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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com.
And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunsetstripatx.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Back on my stand-up tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the Fully Grown Tour before this.
Vancouver, Portland, and Seattle. You're next. January 25th, 26th, and 27th. And then Los Angeles, California. I do stand up. Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston,
St. Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates. Really excited for you to see it. Taking some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of them. Get tickets now at TonyHinchcliffe.com. This is going to be my last stretch of the stand-up tour for the rest of 2024. It's all just performing in Austin and Kill Tony from there. So hope to see you soon. ♪♪
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up and Tony! It's great! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Ah, that sounds fucking great. I'm going to hand it over to the great Redman, everybody. Ah!
This is Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the motherfucking world. And you're at it. Brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, NinjaBuses.com, Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, and Connect Mobile Health, where you can get an IV drip right now. Save 15% using the code KILL15.
How we doing tonight? You guys happy? Fuck yeah. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land? That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The great Paul Diemer on the horns. Matthew, the madman of Michigan mewling, ladies and gentlemen. John Dees on the motherfucking keys. And this, of course, is the great and powerful Dee Madness here on the bass guitar.
How about one more time for the special appearance you guys got to see by the great Tal Wilkenfeld. And here we go. A lot of fun stuff ahead. Before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. ♪
Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.
if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...
With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday only on Peacock. We're going to have fun tonight. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode? That's what I'm talking about.
We have a lot of the best guests in the world on this show, and some of them I introduced to y'all before they are tremendously fucking famous. These are two guys that the entire world will know of. And if you don't already, they've been on this show multiple times, but these guys are about to blow the fuck up. Two guys that are a huge part of the Austin comedy scene.
On all the shows, almost all the shows that we do around here with Rogan and Segura and Tim Dillon and Shane Gillis and everybody, make some noise for two of the best in the world, two of my top young rising comedians, favorite rising comedians on planet Earth. It's Derek Poston and Asana Maad, ladies and gentlemen. Some book of noise for our guests. Derek Poston.
You know him. He does arenas with Andrew Schultz, the greatest son of mine. Survived the 9-11 hijackings, a rare survivor. He was flying one of the planes and hit the eject button at the last second. Not a lot of people know that. He parachuted, he paraglided out of there. Didn't have a parachute. He paraglided out of the plane.
Tell them about that. You were very young at the time. You know, Indian people, we achieve early. How old were you during 9-11? Old enough to do it. Okay, I love it. I'll tell you that right now.
Right now. The great Derek Poston, famous for arenas with Schultz, the flagrant podcast with Andrew Schultz, a huge member of the Schultz clan. How did you get to start working with Andrew Schultz? How does that go down exactly? I tell these people just the types of things that I fucking do. Ha ha ha!
Tony hooked it up. Tony hooked it up. He texted me and said, hey, bro, all you got to do is suck Andrew Schultz's dick one time, dog, and you on the tour. He set it up, though, bro. This is the big OG. He's the reason I'm doing a lot of the shit I'm doing. So I'm very thankful. Schultz texted me and said, who do you think would be a good feature for me in Austin, Texas? I said, I got exactly the guy. They fell in love and they worked together ever since. He famously talked about how you love trannies on the show.
Still do. Happily married. Still do. Absolutely. He just got married. How about a hand for that, everybody? But you guys have done this show multiple times. You know how it works. A ton of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview and we talk to them. We find out more about them. The entire thing is crazy. Anything can happen and we're all going to live it here together in the moment. Yeah.
Are you guys ready for this shit? I'm gonna pre-pull a name. We're gonna get them from the bar across the street. Sweet little, dirty little, poor choices. A brand new...
from our good friend Nick, who famously owned Vulcan Gas Company. He's got a new bar. Really small ceilings. They just started to take over. They are much lower ceilings than Sunset. Could be the second best comedy club on the street in no time whatsoever. They are a microphone away from having the second best comedy club on the street. Woo! Poor choices. That's right across the street. Our good friends own it. How about a hand for Nick and Kirk?
up here in the house.
So while we go wrangle whoever that was that I just pulled out of the bucket, we're gonna get one of our absolute historical regulars up here, a fucking legend of the game, an absolute Korean thug, if you will. Ladies and gentlemen, we found him absolutely doing nothing but open mics, making zero dollars a month doing stand-up comedy. Now he's got the Rolex, he's got the white girlfriend, he's got it all going for him. He's rich, he sells out all over the world now. This is Hans Kim.
This is Hans Pan. Thank you. I have a Bangladeshi roommate and sometimes he cooks food so smelly I have to take a shit with the door open. Just to get rid of the smell.
I have been sending a lot of Ozempic to the Palestinians in Gaza. So it's easier for them to dodge the bombs. And if they do get hit, there's less mess to clean up. I hate it when ugly people act like them dating is the same thing as when hot people date like me. It's like the difference between the NFL and Major League Soccer. It's like, yeah, you're playing on the same field, but no one wants to see what you're doing.
Alright, thank you. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Yeah. Thank you. Fantastic, Hans. How are you? Good, I'm good. That was great. Good set. Thank you so much. That means so much to me, Tony. Jesus Christ, this guy is the most autistic fucking robot. How do you have both? How is it possible that you're autistic and robot-like? I just am Asian.
I think this is what Asians are like. Hello. Hello, indeed. I love it. So how much of that's real? Because we heard...
recently that a roommate complained about the smell of your kimchi and now you're complaining about the smell of your roommate's food. It's totally made up. I don't even know where I came up with that shit. I think it was from a long time ago and I looked through my notes and I was like, oh shit, yeah. I could do that. That joke on Kill Tony. So full disclosure, I am the Bangladeshi roommate that he's talking about.
This thing stinks! No, first of all, first of all, I don't cook. Second of all, bro, this motherfucker is the worst roommate when it comes to food I have ever seen in my entire life. This guy once cooked ribs and then left the state. I'm talking about put the ribs...
in the oven, set it to 45 minutes, and then caught a plane to go to a weekend somewhere else. Just left for a rip. This is amazing. Only recently did we get to talk with Hans' father, Hans, on every single week, and now we are finding out the roommate perspective of Hans Kemp. Now, we know famously Red Band has it right here in front of me. This is my actual first time seeing it. I've only heard of how he has a camelback horse
hanging above his bed with a tube so that he can lay in bed and just feed himself like some kind of fucking Korean hamster or some shit like that. And it is absolutely unbelievable. I mean, you have your pillows are hanging out of the pillowcase and you have the tag side of the pillow hanging out of the hole. You know, you're supposed to put that on the inside, Hans. So that's my girlfriend's bed. Ooh.
Wow, she should know this. I used her bed as a thing, so now everyone thinks that's my bed. They're commenting about how poor I am. Yeah. It's the tag. It does look very shitty. There's like shit on the walls. So it turns out your white girlfriend is like one of the dirty whites. I can say that. I'm a white guy. I like to think of her... If it was another race, I'd have Derek say it.
Okay, all right. Maybe we were all thinking of something else. She's a dirty white. She's distracted. She's busy being hot and pretty, and it's, I think, a lot of my job to clean up after her. Really? Is that true? Guy that leaves ribs and leaves state?
Yeah, I mean, I clean up her little whippets that she does. I have come home before and there's just been a box of empty canisters. Hold on a second, because this is brand new. This is unbelievable that we always find out something new about you.
How, your girlfriend has a serious whippet addiction? Yeah, like I'll bring it up as a joke. Like, yeah, that's what the whippet queen would say. And she's like, why'd you have to bring it up? I have to go get whippets now. It's fucked up. Does she do them every day? No, she does them like when her friend is around her. She has a specific friend that they do whippets together? Yeah. Yeah.
That's nice. She's been on Kill Tony before, the friend. Okay. She's Ratchet. Okay. Very good. She's the one that had the police thing around her ankle, the ankle thing. I kind of remember who gives a shit. Okay. I don't need to know his girlfriend's friend. Who gives a fuck? All right. So have you ever talked to your girlfriend about not hanging out with this Ratchet Whippet queen?
Uh, no, I think she's pretty nice, you know? I think whippets are just what the kids are doing these days. When you say the kids, how old is your girlfriend again? 25. Very good. Very good. Okay. What is she like when she's on the whippets? Does she do anything in particular? She's like... Does she ever make that noise when you're inside of her? Never. I had a feeling. Ooh, whippet. Ooh, whippet good. Ha ha ha.
All right. I love it. So she does a lot of whip. It's a box of empty canisters. Oh, yeah. Next to some chicken McNuggets. That's what they had left us with. Absolute trash. Hey, what can I say? I love America. Hans, amazing. Every interview we find out more and more about you. Really, really good set. Fun times tonight. Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you, Tony. Come on, Hans Kim. Make some bucket noise for Hans Kim, everyone. Oh.
I pre-pull a name and I go to the name that we pulled before. This is our first bucket pull of the night. So essentially we meet these people together. Sometimes they've been on before. We're all gonna figure it out together. The whole thing's crazy and improvised. You guys ready for it? Make some noise for Camilo D. Camilo or Camilo D. I think crystal collecting is just rock collecting for bitches.
I think tarot cards are just poker night for dumb bitches. I think astrology is stargazing for stupid ass bitches. I don't know if you guys can tell by those jokes, but I'm a virgin. At least I consider myself a virgin because I only fuck with white women. Because I know that as soon as I touch a Latina, she's going to have a litter of five. And I can't jump another border. Thank you. Okay, 40 gay seconds from Camilo D. Thank you.
Unbelievable. Oh, dude. I know what it's like, bro. Trust me. I get it, dude. I get it, bro. It's happened to me a billion times. Oh, my God. You go by D because that's what you love? Ah.
Oh, dude, that was a fucking Freudian slip. I feel like he just had a nightmare that you've had. Yeah. You call it a nightmare. It's a wet dream to me. Hey, yo, bitches be stupid. Women retarded. I be fucking dudes. I mean women. Fucking shit, man. I fucked up, dude.
Yeah, that's not my nightmare, bro. That's his nightmare, what just happened. Tonight, you're gonna wake up in the morning like, fuck! You were a fucking goddamn fucking syllable away from survival there. You were a woo away. Woo man. Woo man. That's my second language, man. Hey, I be fucking dooms!
Oh shit, dude. I fucked up, dude. Dog, I said I was fucking dudes. That's the only part anybody's gonna fucking remember, dog. Yo, I said the fucking astrology's stupid. Crystals is stupid. And then I accidentally said I fucked dudes. I fucked up, dog. I fucked up, dude. I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up.
Is it Camillo? Camillo? Camillo, yeah. Camillo. Camillo D. How long you been on stand-up? Two years. Two years. All of it here in Austin? Yes, sir. What do you do for work? I'm an electrician. Electrician. Hell yeah. You ever gone on a call and you go in somebody's place and it's a fucking just dude in his shorts? He's like, yeah, I need some help over here. You don't remember me? Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.
I do. I remember it well. I remember it well. It was a magical moment. Put his little rocket in my socket, you know what I mean? The electricity was flowing. Okay, Jesus Christ, Red Band.
You don't remember me? And then I saved it, dude. I got the fucking guy. Dude, it was fucking huge, dude. Like, at first, me being gay was bad, and then I turned it around like I do with dudes. I took the opportunity, and I fucked it in the ass. Fuck.
How old are you, Camilo? I'm about to turn 26. 26. What do you do for fun in this crazy world when you're not doing stand-up comedy? For fun, stand-up, soccer. Soccer? Fuck yeah. Damn, you are gay. Yeah, dude, I mean, I suck at... So you like balls on your feet and your hands. That's great. You like them on your face.
Absolutely. I bet when you're hanging out with dudes it gets a little messy. Soccer reference. Shut up. Relax. What else about you, Camille? What would we be surprised to know about you?
I'm training for the half marathon here in Austin. You're training for the what? Half marathon. Okay. All right. Well, I'm running a lot. Drinking half a drink tonight. What the fuck does that mean? That's what I'm doing right now. Why are you training for a real marathon? That's too much. Why don't you just do it and then finish halfway? Just stop. Then brag to your friends about how you did it. That's a good idea. Hell yeah, dude. Absolutely.
So a half marathon, do they just give you like a fucking half a medal if you finish that or something? Like a half a trophy? I get half a dick. Wait, what? Hold on. Now he's gay again. I'm gay again. Look, I was super gay and then I flipped it on Tony and then I was gay again, dude. It's like a trilogy. It's fucking Return of the Jedi but it's me being gay, dude. I fucking...
I fucking fucked up again, dude. - All right. I love it. So what is your love life actually like when you're out there with the women? - Nothing right now, it's dead. - Nothing right now, it's dead? - Yeah. - You're fucking a dead chick. - Yeah. - Okay. But seriously, like the last time you were with a woman, you're 26, you're Latino. I mean, you are ready to breed. So let's talk about it. - I'm a little late actually. - What? - I'm a little late on breeding.
You're a what? Late. Right. Yes, absolutely. Okay, so let's go to my question. What's going on? Last time you got laid, what happened there? What happened? I don't know. No, I'm kidding, man. I know you're kidding. I always know when you're joking because the room goes completely silent. Oh.
So like when was it? About ballpark, how long ago? Three years. Oh shit. You basically are a virgin. If a Latino goes two years or more without getting laid, they are re-virginized. Not a lot of people know that. When's the last time you saw, speaking of virgins, when's the last time you saw Virgin Mary in like toast or something like that? That happens to your people a lot. You're like, oh she, God's talking to me or something like that. Alright. Alright.
Maybe toast is in the right. In your tortilla. Tortilla. There you go. Tostada. Tostada. Absolutely. Tostada is a couple dude salads from what I understand. All right, Camille D. Here's a little joke book. Thank you. Fun times. Welcome. There he goes. On to the next one.
Dude! Dude, I fucked up dude! There was that one good part! I could hear you do that all night. Make some noise for your next comedian, ZZ everyone! ZZ, we believe. Okay, come on, one more time for ZZ everyone! What's up? Okay, is the minute started? Okay. Hi!
I grew up in Iraq. I moved to the US in 2017. In my culture we have a saying when you want someone to leave and never come back to throw seven rocks behind them. Rocks. Rocks. Not bombs. Rocks. One, two, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. No, seven, not eight. Seven. So the day when I was moving I turned to my family and said
demolish the house behind me. Rumor has it they found weapon of mass destruction beneath it. I don't know this is bullshit! I just turned 37. Why are you fucking laughing? I'm allowed to brag about turning 37. I look fucking fly. My mom wants me to settle down and like find a good guy and marriage. She doesn't know I live in Austin.
There you go. It's easy, everybody. Jesus Christ. No, that's not how it works. Easy. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. The man is talking, Iraqi woman. No, that's not how the show works. Please.
You know better than anybody. I know your fucking father would never let you. Only talk if I ask you a question. No, stop talking. Don't fucking... Stop. You're gonna ruin this for everybody like you did fucking our economy.
You Iraqi fucking people. It's absolutely incredible. Here's your hackiest joke ever. You couldn't have bombed any harder, but Iraqi people don't really bomb. Turns out, like, the actual Iraqis... Okay, very good. That's great. Don't talk. Yes, sir. Like most Iraqis, you had no weapons of destruction here tonight. Absolutely incredible. You suck at this. Thank you so much! How long have you been attempting...
Don't talk unless I ask you a question. You're fucking unbearable. Relax. Only answer questions and answer them honestly. Okay? Sure. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three months. Uh-huh. All here in Austin, Texas? Yeah. This is where you live? Yeah. What do you do for a living? I work at UTI. UTI? Yeah.
Is that the only Uti you know? You look like it. Yeah, I look like I have a urinary tract infection every morning. You look like you've never been to college. Okay, very good. Yes, good one. Never come back, Zeezy. Can somebody throw a shoe at her? Uti Austin, Uti Austin. What did you say? Zeezy, you are unbearable. Stop talking. Have you ever seen this show before? No, only on YouTube shorts. Right, okay. All right.
You said to respond honestly. I am honest. ZZ, you are unbearable. Oh, my God. What do you do at UT? My mom would agree. Okay, there she goes. ZZ, everybody, you're the worst. There you go. Very good. Never sign up again. You're unbearable. No goodbye, no joke book, no nothing. No words. How about a big boo for ZZ, everybody? Come on. You can boo louder than that. Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. Yeah.
Alright, got another bucket pool here. Anything can happen. Let's see if a good... This seems like the name of a good old American girl, huh? Make some noise for Corinne Alia, everybody. Here we go. Corinne Alia. Do you guys ever realize that God doesn't answer prayers because he keeps killing all the wrong people? Yeah, I figured that out recently because my dad is still alive. Oh!
Yeah, I have daddy issues in case you can't tell. He didn't leave or anything. I just fucking hate that guy. You know? But it's okay. It's okay because he still follows me really close on OnlyFans. Yeah, he'll leave comments under my stuff. He'll be like, I miss you, sweetheart. You have your mother's tits. Please return my calls. Love, Dad. You guys, in case you guys didn't know this, women in comedy aren't actually funny. We're not. It's because
We aren't having the shit beat out of us anymore like the good old days, you know? At least the Middle East is doing one fucking thing right. Making women funny again. That's it. Thanks. Fuck yeah. Corinna Leah.
That last joke would have hit a lot harder if that Middle Eastern bitch didn't eat it right before you. I gotta tell you. She ruined you. That was incredible. They missed one. There's one not getting beat hard enough out there.
That was amazing. That was good stuff. Corinne, Aaliyah? Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Have you been on this show before? No, I've never been on. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? Five months. Five months. All of it here in Austin? Yes. This is where you're from? No. Where are you from? I'm originally from Louisiana. Okay. Yeah. All right. What's your ethnicity? I am a weirdo.
Weird ethnicity. I'm actually Kajistani. It's a word that my friend coined. I'm actually half Pakistani and I'm half Cajun. Yeah, my mom's family's from Louisiana and my dad's Pakistani. Wow, Ahsan's heart is a rocker. Pretty sure he wants to pack your sani. I was going to say, that food must make you shit something fierce. That's crazy, dude.
shrimp and hummus you know what I mean the old fucking the old fucking alright there's not much you can do with Pakistani and Cajun it's a hard combo so your mom is the Pakistani no my dad okay and he found your white like Cajun mother uh huh in Louisiana what does your dad do for a living
I don't know. I haven't talked to him in years. How many years? Like five. Really? Five years not talking to your dad? The last time you guys talked, what was the context of that? What was that like? I don't even remember, to be honest. Okay, that doesn't make any sense. Red band. Sick. So stupid.
Yes. His dad tried to fuck her is what Red Van's implying. For those of you that are in seventh grade and have an absolutely moronic sense of humor during a serious part of an interview. So you said that you wanted your dad to be murdered in your 60 seconds, and you're saying that you haven't talked to him in years, but you don't remember any of the trauma that he instilled upon you exactly? Oh, he definitely did traumatize me as a child. Let's talk about it. No, just like when I was growing up, just emotionally just...
ignored me and was absent. Dude is a dad. Yeah. Good. Good. Okay. How long have you lived in Austin? I've moved here at the end of January. And how's it going for you? How do you like it? I really like it out here. Yeah. Yeah. What do you like to do? What do you do for fun? Um, I fight. You fight? I do Muay Thai. Oh, shit. Okay. There goes Red Band's chances of a successful rape. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
Alright, okie dokie. Hell yeah. You do Muay Thai, he does more Thai food than anybody else. He does Pad Thai. Those are the only pads? Alright, okay. Very fun, Corinne. So what else is going on? Other than Muay Thai, what else do you do for fun?
When a girl like Corinne wants to let her hair down, that sweet, sweet, young Howard Stern hair that you have. Yeah. How do you do it? Yeah, I look like Borat if you were trans. Hell yeah. All right. But what else when you want to get crazy? Like what's a wild night for Corinne Aaliyah? I don't know. I don't go out. I don't drink or party or anything like that like everybody else. Because your dad told you you better not.
Exactly. Precisely. All right. Are you dating somebody? I am. Okay. What does he do? He's around. He's, um... My God, is it Michael Gonzalez? No. Holy shit. My God, he seems to be close. Red band? No. Okay. So that's off limits, it seems. It's still pretty new, so... All right. Okay, uh...
You've seen the show before. What else do you think is an interesting thing that you could talk about right now before we let you go? Yeah, yeah, something really interesting about me. Or anything that's ever happened in your life. Maybe you almost died or saved somebody's life. Yeah, I actually lost my virginity to a pedophile. Amazing. You're dead! No, not my dad. Not my dad. No. No.
Okay, this is great. This is exactly the type of interview I love. Yeah. Things just took a turn here. So when you say you lost your virginity to a pedophile, what do you mean exactly? Go ahead. Oh, he was my church pastor at the time. Wow. How old were you? 16 going to 17. Hell yeah. How old was he?
He was at least in his 30s. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, God. It just took another turn. A lot of these interviews go from hero to villain to fucking... Okay, that's kind of depressing. Is he in jail now? He did go to jail. Right. He got out. I don't know what... I have no clue what happened to him after. Yeah, usually. Was it a Catholic church? Surprisingly, no. What kind was it? Non-denominational.
hippies. That one. We all know how we feel about those non-denominationals. You know what I mean? Right. But it's a church, so they probably hired him right back afterwards. Let's face it. Probably. Okay. And how did that make you... Was that traumatizing for you? Yeah, significantly. Did your dad make you feel bad about it? Did he find out about it? He doesn't know about it. Oh, okay. Do you think your dad's going to watch this set?
I don't know. I don't know if he's into comedy. Is stand-up comedy one of those things? Like, do you sometimes think about your dad when you think about getting good at this and getting better and perhaps being, you know... How old are you? 25. Right. So you're starting young. You have a lot of time to get really good at this. Is your dad one of those things where you're like, I'm gonna fucking show him this stupid asshole Pakistani piece of shit? Yeah. Yeah.
You think about this, right? Yeah. Because that's the thing. We don't really talk about that. But when you're starting, there's people. Maybe a girl that broke your heart or the dad that wasn't in your life or teachers that did this. There's images in your head where you're like, I'm going to fucking show these people. But your dad's your number one? Pretty much. I write a lot of jokes about it, and I think it's funny. You close with your mom? Yeah. And do you talk with her? Is she still with your dad? No. Okay. How long ago did they separate?
Like when I was very, very little. Right. And I lived with my mom most of my life in Louisiana. So you and your mom just talk shit about him? Yes. And she's seen several of my sets and she laughs. She thinks it's funny. I love it. That's so great to have a supportive mom. Absolutely. So he Pakistanied his bags and left? Yeah. Just left a little trail of sand right out the door.
Absolutely. Hell yeah. All right. Well, amazing, amazing stuff. Great interview. Thanks. Here, have a big joke book. Have one of these. It's for your files. Put it in your files. Your pedophiles. All right. Pulled another name out of the book. You guys having fun out there? Yeah.
Make some noise for our next bucket pool, Spencer Michael, ladies and gentlemen. Spencer Michael. Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Spencer Michael. My wife says that I can be emotionally insensitive. Like the other day she calls me up and she goes, honey, I've got some terrible news. Uncle Dave was in a car accident. They had to cut him out. It's really bad. I'm like, oh my God, Uncle Dave, is he okay? She goes, we don't know.
Well, what happened? She goes, we don't know. I'm like, well, how'd you find out? She goes, well, his daughter called us. His daughter? Babe, my Uncle Dave is gay. He doesn't have a daughter. Oh, do you mean your Uncle Dave? Shit, baby, why didn't you say that? I was worried. Anyway, he's dead now, so it doesn't matter. But...
So I can be worried, though. Like, when my mom got breast cancer a few years ago, I was terrified. But she ended up being okay. She had a double mastectomy, though. And I didn't know this, but part of the process of the reconstruction is they suck out some of that tummy fat and they pop it up top, create two new boobs. She thought it was cool because she got a boob job and a tummy tuck at the same time. I thought it was cool because now it's not that weird when I check out her tits. It's just her fucking stomach. Thank you, all.
All right. Spencer Michael, this is your first time on the show, right? It is, it is. Has anybody ever told you that you look like if someone sucked all of the blood out of Anthony Jezelnik?
You'd be the first, Tony. There you go. Welcome, welcome. Thank you. Spencer, you're wearing the lucky Italian pepper there. I am, yes. I'm not that Italian myself, but I married into basically a mob family. Okay. Is that where you got the jacket, the t-shirt, the pants? Absolutely, the whole thing now. Absolutely. If I don't look the part, I stand out. How old are you? I'm 28. You're only 28? You got married? How long were you with this girl? Ah.
I've been with her for 10 years now. Married for five years. 10 years. So you were 18. 18 years old. Is that the girl that you lost your virginity to? No. Oh, does she know that? Yes, she does. Were you the guy that she lost her virginity to? Yes, I was. Just me. No one else. You believe that? You are not the godfather.
Spencer, how long have you been doing stand-up? Stand-up for about a month now. Okay, only a month. Adorable. You started here in Austin? This is where you live? Yep, that is correct. Okay, what do you do for work? I market pharmaceutical drugs. Wow, what a piece of shit you are. Yeah, the old Pfizer-Mizer. Absolutely, yeah. Who got the jab, everybody? It's like a young... Yeah, good. No, they're not here because they died, you faggot. Oh.
He's like a young Bushimi. It looks like the sloth from Ice Age. That's what he looks like. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. D-Madness is going to watch Ice Age real quick. He's going to be right back. He's like, I don't get it. Show me that shit real quick. Let me feel the... All right.
Okay, so you're 28 years old. You've been in the same relationship for 10 years. One month in a stand-up. What made you want to start stand-up? It's a little bit more fun than marketing drugs for the bad guys. Yeah, but you still have to do that to make a living. Exactly. I got a kid now, so I can't walk away from it too quickly. So what exactly do you do? I'm on the relationship side. So basically, I'm just a friendly voice on the other side of the phone so that the company that I work for can market more and more drugs for the people that make them.
So...
the company that you're not making friends I can tell it's your advertising that the drugs by the huge pharmaceutical companies are good basically and you're coming up with ideas for that or you're really just the relation really just on the relation side I'll give them some ideas but I'm not like well what's one of your ideas that you've given a pharmaceutical company I mean I have a couple I signed an NDA for but one was to show more diversity they really seem to like that one a lot
That's you causing that, huh? Oh, absolutely, yeah. You've got to have a Mexican, a black, a white, and at least one woman, and you'll be able to sell some drugs. Wow, incredible. You're the scum of the earth. Now you sound like my mom. Okay, anyway. The girl you're with is Italian. What do you notice about Italian culture that you're not used to? What are some things that stand out to you?
Gotta give them more room to talk. You can't stand too close or you're gonna get smacked in the head. That's a pretty big one. That's true. You get that a lot. She's got like three uncles that aren't related to her. So that was weird for me. She's got like Uncle Tony, Andy, and Vinny. Yep. They're cool guys, but yeah, they're not blood related at all. That is true. A fun fact is that Italians have uncles, black people have cousins. For those of you keeping track, it is a cultural thing. Don't ask too many questions. I might get slapped. You know what I mean?
Yeah, I bet they bully you a lot. You have a vitamin D deficiency. That's the first I'm hearing of it. Have you, did you get vaccinated yourself? I don't normally, I mean, fucking everybody, the fucking, oh, they got political. They think it's, they're putting the chicken after the egg or something like that. I moved here because of this. I did, I did regret it, but I did get it, yeah.
Did you get a booster? I did get a booster too. Did you get two boosters? Just the one. I came to my senses a little bit later. How did it make you feel? Did you feel good? You got COVID immediately afterwards? Oh, immediately. It was like three months later. Yeah, it's almost crazy. It really came down, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
How did it treat you, though? You must have been, since you were vaccinated, you must have been just done with it immediately. Not at all. It was like three weeks of coughing. Three weeks after being vaccinated. It's amazing because it's so safe and effective. Yeah, it was amazing. Right. I mean, it's crazy because you see all the stats and everything that the big companies pay for, but it almost seems like fucking anybody you talk to in real life has the same fucking story. It's kind of crazy, right? Absolutely. And you sling that as a profession. Yeah.
Similar shit, but you're... You sleep at night. Not well. Right. Very good. Just making sure. Now I like you. Very good. Way to own it. Okay, so Spencer, what do you do for fun? I play music. I'm a drummer. Really? You're a drummer? Oh, well, well, well. I got news for you, my friend. I don't know if you know this. Are you a fan of the show? Yeah. You know how this works?
We have a historical segment called A Mexican Drum Off, ladies and gentlemen, where you have a chance right now, even though you're only a month into comedy and we don't even know your drum skills whatsoever, but for the sake of history, we have a segment where you can become the full-time drummer of
the show. If you beat Michael Gonzalez in a drum solo battle, which the audience, not even us, can't even make it up, but you guys get to decide who the better drummer was on this night. And if you win, you're the new full-time drummer. You get to leave your job as a piece of shit.
Fucking big drug company fucking advertising relations guy. And you get to be the new drummer on Kill Tony every single episode. We're talking fucking arenas. We have arenas. Arenas. We're an arena act. You can be in arenas with your fucking Italian Halloween costume. Just living your dreams.
And by the way, how it works is Michael Gonzalez would have to become a drug-slinging guy and he would be fucking your ultra Italian wife. That's another thing. You have to completely switch lives. So ladies and gentlemen, this will be a drum solo. Get back there. This is Spencer Michael. It's been a long time since we've had one of these. Very controversial.
this segment because a lot of people have said in the past that this or that, that people have done good or bad, but we're gonna find out. Spencer, how do you feel back there? You confident? You feel good? All right, here we go. This is a Mexican drum off. This is Spencer Michael, everybody. All right, put a ribbon on it, Michael. Bring it home. That's your big finishing move there. All right, come on, Michael. Play the fucking drums. I could beat you right now, but I'm not going to.
I'm not going to. No, I'm not going to. Ladies and gentlemen, defending his throne, Michael Gonzalez, everybody. You know I would, but I'm not going to do that. I want to be entertained. This is Michael's throne, Michael's job to lose. This is Michael Gonzalez. This is Michael Gonzalez.
Wow. Jeez Louise. A brutal murder is taking place here today. Yeah, good job dude.
Spencer Michael how do you feel like that went oh I think I know who won how many of you have Spencer Michael winning and being the new full-time drummer of kill Tony there's one retard in the room how many of you have Michael Gonzalez keeping his job
You tried, Spencer. You gave it your all. Ahsan? It was just nice to see the pharmaceutical drug pusher get his shit kicked in. That was nice. Bro, I felt like Michael did that for America. That's how I felt. God bless you, Michael. For sure.
But, my friend, since your drum solo was so low energy, I'm going to give you some energy plus caffeine toothpicks from our friends over at ZipX. And here, my friend, is indeed a month in, a little joke book for you to get started. You're going to give Michael his drumsticks back? You're going to let him keep them? Oh, you got a souvenir. You'll always remember the night you got fucking absolutely demolished. Hell yeah. Have a great night. Spencer Michael, ladies and gentlemen.
Alright, we're gonna keep it moving here. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Blake Alexander. Make some noise everybody. Blake Alexander. These people wait all night for this. Make some noise for Blake Alexander. Hey, hey. I appreciate you. Nice to see you. Family dynamics are interesting. Mom and Dad are very different creatures.
If you really piss mom off, she might ground you or go cry in her room. If you really piss dad off, he might kill the whole family. What Michael Jackson did to those kids is bad. But wouldn't it be so much worse to get molested by some nobody? I don't know about you folks, but I would let Caitlyn Jenner go down on me. I would, for sure.
Because then I would have bragging rights for the rest of my life. Like, oh yeah? Well, I got head from one of the Jenner girls. People would be like, really? Which one? Nah, don't worry about it. I appreciate you. Thank you, folks. There you go. Okay, Blake Alexander. Solid set.
How's it going, Blake? Doing wonderful, brother. First time on the show? Second time. Okay. Welcome back. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. All of it here in Texas? No, I started in Colorado right around the beginning of the pandemic. How long have you been in Austin? About two years now, coming up. Okay. What do you do for a living? I'm a bartender on 6th Street. Bartender on 6th Street. Okay. Just starting to remember that. West 6th or this side of 6th? This side of 6th. Interesting. The boundary is dirty. You look a little well-tuned.
too put together to be on this side of 6th Street. Hell yeah. I creep. I'm a degenerate. Okay, tell us more about that. Yeah, I mean, I got sober recently, like five months sober of alcohol, so that was, you know, beer's big for me. I definitely like, yeah, I appreciate you, of course. Not projecting, please. Everyone drink, enjoy it. If you can't enjoy it, please do. Like, again, having a couple cocktails, what a beautiful part of life if you can do that and not also almost kill yourself on a monthly, weekly basis.
How terrible did your drinking get? I mean, at a level...
A lot of crazy, yeah, just a lot of crazy shit. I completely black out. Give us a quantity. Like, when would you start? What would you drink? I would, I just, I go into the plan. I'm like, yeah, maybe have a couple shots and, you know, and then, but mostly kind of just keep the beers and keep the, like, individual drink cocktails. But once I get a couple of shots in, it's like the demon just, you know. And what types of things would happen when the demon? Yeah, so I like to, yeah, I would do, like, again, I would love to get sex work, but
Yeah, like... You would order prostitutes. Well, I didn't like actually fucking the prostitutes. That made me feel dirty. So I had to... What the fuck? What kind of blackout drunk are you, dude? Hey, yo, get over here. I want to talk with you. Yeah.
My fucking dad was so mean to me. Yeah, yeah. No, I definitely went there probably a couple dozen times or maybe a dozen or something. But I really settled on a massage and a hand job. That's like for me the sweet spot. Uh-huh. Like a legit massage? Yeah. I mean, that's what's amazing about the service that exists. Yeah.
Asian massage parlors, but also private dealers online. It's unbelievable. Just an hour massage. I recommend everyone. So an hour-long full-body massage? Just get a massage for your own health care, and you'll feel amazing. Thank you. Yes, we all get our advice from dirty 6th Street bartenders. Thank you. Hey, massage is self-care. That's objective. Right.
Getting massages is good for mental health. Thank you. No, again, you'll feel good. But handjob is the greatest thing to top off a massage. You know you can do that to yourself? I prefer not. I've had plenty of experience with that. I enjoy the novelty. Has anyone ever given you a better handjob than you? Never.
An old Asian woman at a massage parlor. Really? Oh, yeah, son. Hey, dog. I get you. I'm a low one out here. Wow. It's like not even close. It's like not even close. They're the Usain Boltz of giving handjobs, dog. You don't even know. Damn, that is so interesting. You can't give yourself a forehand handjob.
A forehand hand job. Yeah, at a level. Two girls. It's just like saying an upside down... Two girls. You're just two girls in the room, like at a level. There's just fun little creations. Four hands at once. Yeah, yeah. Or maybe working the balls, again, stimulating. It seems like there's more than just that going on. I don't think you have the dick that would take four hands. No, I mean, I'm not literally saying I have a forehand dick. So what do you have, like, someone rubbing your thigh or something like that? No, there's two balls and...
So they have one hand on each ball? Is that what you're implying? I mean, they get creative. They literally try to suck on the nipples. I'd be like, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, don't do that. Like you're not my girlfriend. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm blacked out drunk. Stay away from these nips. Oh, bro.
No, no, no. I'm paying you. I make the rules. That's an amazing thing, though, at a level, the sure thing of it. That's what is kind of addicting. Other than sucking on the nips, what else have they tried to do that you've stopped them? They try to suck. They try to escalate. And you don't want that. I go, no. No. No mouth. No mouth. No.
No. Hand only. Hand only. Yeah. Why is that? Why would you... Teeth... Sorry. Their teeth are what? Rotting out of their mouth. Oh, Jesus. These are... No, not all of them. These are low budget. The one that tried to blow me, again, if she had a nice set of teeth, it might have been a different story. Wow. He's just poor. Yeah. How much were you paying for these? I haven't only... It's not only these gross, like, mangled women. There's... Again, there's a range. There's...
Before I quit drinking, kind of why I quit drinking, part of it was I went and signed up for two open mics and then got blackout drunk and then ended up going and getting this Brazilian. It's private. You don't go to a salon. Yeah, did you give her a handjob? Those Brazilians are wild. The opportunity presented itself, I may have. But no, she was a real woman. In-call or out-call? In-call. Oh.
Yeah, he is. So they come. It's amazing. It's a beautiful thing not to blow up their, you know. All the dirt balls were wondering, in-call or out-call. Yeah, no, it was a very comfortable in-call. Airbnb, safe, but I had trouble, yeah. It was this horrible thing, like, they're so beautiful. It's unbelievable almost how beautiful they are. And I'm like, wow, are you really doing this? You were drunk. No, no, no.
You see the pictures when you, you know, if you do your research. You're doing sober research. Drunk integration, drunk execution. So have you gotten one of these girls since you've been sober?
No, no. Even though the pictures of them are so beautiful. No, it is. Trust me, I still stand by a couple of these. Quote, unbelievable. A couple. One could not believe how beautiful these available women are to come over and give a handjob. For the price, I would say unbelievable. What was the price? What's the price of a Brazilian? It was for a 30 minute, 150. What's the price of an Asian for an hour? What? Sorry. What's the price of an Asian for an hour? Oh, $1.
120 for a massage plus a handjob. What's the price for an Asian for a half an hour? I didn't go. I was indulgent. I always go with 60 minutes. You always go with the 60 minutes. I like the massage. I love the massage. So 60 minute 120, but 30 minute handjob from a Brazilian, 150. And they don't do massages. They'll just straight to the dick. They will not rub a shoulder. For 30 minutes, they give you like 10 minutes of a shoulder massage. So it's like, yeah, it's pretty much right to business. But again, it's still kind of cute. Yeah.
By the way, the massages he's talking about, his price range, are not real massages. It's just a girl doing this to your... Disgusting. I don't even like you. We're here for business purposes only. I'm a loyal, loyal boy. That's all this is. He knows the value.
So, Blake, anything else crazy we'd be surprised to know about you? Last time you were on the show, you probably weren't sober, right? This is why I don't recognize you. You're like one of those dogs that got rescued and you're all cleaned up now. Like a different shade and shape and everything. Yeah, maybe a little bit. Definitely probably a little bit healthier, but...
Yeah, no, I mean, I'm chilling. I'm, yeah, less crazy sex work and addiction and waking up, you know, 4 a.m. at a random gas station, you know. Sure. Lost phone and shit. So, yeah, trying to live, trying to enjoy this miracle of life. And last time you were on, you got a little joke book? No, I got a big joke book. Okay, well, there you go. Enjoy it. Keep it going. Blake Alexander, everybody. I appreciate you. Have a good night. I love you all. Thank you. We're flying through them tonight.
Another bucket pool. We're flying through them. Make some noise for Samantha Blumenthal, everybody. Samantha Blumenthal. Here we go. Hey, guys. I was a rhythmic gymnast for 12 years. Just wanted to show you that. In case anything I say bombs, you still know I'm talented. Thank you. Last night, this guy told me I had a resting astrology face. And I don't get it.
Guys, just think that I just kind of like know everything about zodiac signs and crystals. I don't understand. You know, I don't know things about that, but I do believe in minerals. Mineral fucking dumb.
I'm so sorry. I think this is because of my dad. When I was growing up, my dad fucked my best friend, Diana Rae. Yeah, you can look her up on Facebook. She's really fucking hot. I want to be really clear. I love my dad. And he's not a pedophile. No, no. It's worse. He's a bar mitzvah DJ. Yeah.
My friends tell me all the time, they're like, Sam, you have daddy issues. I'm like, how do I have daddy issues? I don't even fucking talk to him. There you go. Samantha Blumenthal doing all of her time. Hello. How are you? I'm doing well. How are you? Great. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two months. Two months. Yeah. Okay. Thanks. Yeah. Very fun. Thank you. Thank you.
Resting astrology, men are all dumb. I don't know if you know this, but we found out earlier that women that are into astrology and stuff are fucking dumb bitches. According to a Mexican gay guy that was on earlier. Okay.
So you're two months in. You live here in Austin? I do live in Austin, yeah. I moved here four and a half years ago. From? Chicago. Chicago, absolutely. Good move. Get out of there. Especially this time of the year. An absolutely miserable fucking place. Especially for a little Jewish girl. Thank you, yeah. Oh, it's so cold I can't even walk. Right? Glasses.
Okay, I'll be honest. I have an autoimmune condition, and now I'm going to sound... You have a what? An autoimmune condition. Okay. It's called cold urticaria. Ooh. So I get hives. Cold urticaria. Isn't that one of your cousins? Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's because you're black. All right, go ahead. I get hives in really cold temperatures, so that's why I moved to Austin. Okay. Yeah. Hell yeah. Well, we're going to see those hives when Red Band puts you in his freezer tonight. All right.
Okay, Samantha, what do you do for work? I'm a dietician. I help people heal their relationship with food and body image. Let's talk about that. What are some ways that you can heal a relationship with food and body image? What are some of your secrets? I think one of the biggest things that I help with is kind of navigating emotional eating.
So any emotional eaters out in the crowd? Are you listening to this? This is your part. I'm not an emotional eater, Tony. She could save your life. This is your chance to really turn things around. Yeah. You're playing that for you. No, look over here. Keep it up. Keep it up. Keep it up. Lean over here. Let's listen to her. Put the mic down. Let's just listen to her. Go ahead. Keep that up. So if you feel that you're eating from an emotional place, there's two questions we can ask ourselves.
The first one, what am I feeling? The second, what do I need? Because we only know what we need when we know how we feel. New material and lower ceilings. Everybody eats so much tonight because he's so fat. He's a little piggy. Oh, we got a little piggy on the soundboard tonight. All right.
I like that. And you've been able to help people. Yes, I have. You're good at it? I am good. I just quit my job, though. I was there for four and a half years. You don't do that now. I don't do it anymore. You got sick of those fat, sad fucks. Yes, I did. Enough is enough. I'll be working as a dietician again somewhere else, but I have three months before I start that. In-call, out-call, what are we talking about? Red band. Red band. Being a naughty boy, red band.
Okay. What do your parents know that you're doing this? Your Jewish parents still together? No, they're not. I mean, my dad fucked my friend. Oh.
Oh, wow. That is interesting. Usually Jewish fathers are very centered, balanced. How do you think that went down? Do you know why they ended up fucking? Do you know, like, was your friend like a little dirty slut? She was a dirty little whore. How old was she when she fucked your dad? Yeah, there was more to that. Was she of age? She was 19 years old. Right, right. Yeah, your dad was patient. Yeah. Yeah.
I would imagine. I mean, you don't just start liking your daughter's best friend at 19. You're kind of eyeballing them at the pool a little bit. Slip and slide.
You better fix yourself. Floaty's sliding off. Let me help you there. Did he DJ her bat mitzvah? So she was a bar mitzvah. She was one of his dancers. She was what? So make some noise if you've been to a bar mitzvah. Okay. What are we doing here? Sorry. Let's just get into it. Answer my question. I'm so sorry. Make some noise if you've done some yiddish shit. What the fuck? Come on. Stick with the thing here.
Make some noise if you like saving money! Make some noise if you like over-retaliating in a war with a- barely a competitor! Who loves destroying civilian lives? Make some noise! Uh... You're in a little truth chamber tonight. Yeah, no, I feel that. I feel that. Oh, God. Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, jeez.
We love our sponsors. We love our sponsors. Oh, boy. It's all jokes. It's a comedy show. Jewish people would never do any of those things. It's a clown horn. All right. You guys would never do that to Palestine.
All right. I think there's, I mean, there's like, there's more interesting things about me than my dad. No, it's cool. Let's stick with your dad. Stick with your dad. Fucking your best friend. You brought it up. Party. You're a minute. I'm just doing my job here. We can get to those other interesting things. You're a great interview. You're very present. Unbelievable for two months in. I'm serious. You're fucking great. Thank you. But let's get back to the dad for a little bit. Then we'll find out more about you. So what did you leave out of the story? Um, what I leave out of the story? Uh,
Well, I mean, it was like, you technically are a woman once you turn 13. She was 19, so mazel tov, dad. She's basically a fucking cougar at that point. Right, exactly. A juger. Yeah, a juger. A jaguar, I don't know. Yeah. What do you think?
Okay. Yeah. So you said there's more interesting things about you. Let's talk about it. Yeah. So I am a contortionist. I was a rhythmic gymnast for 12 years. I'd love to show you guys something. Absolutely. Absolutely. In call or out call? All right. Okay. Here we go. For those of you just listening to the podcast, she is on her hands. Holy shit. She is... Oh, my goodness. That is incredible. Wow. Wow.
Unbelievable. Oh, my God. I saw her matzo and her balls. Would you like to go? I was on our national team when I was in seventh grade. Love that. Yeah. I love that. That is incredible. Thank you. And you have to, like, stretch a lot for that? I do, yeah. I stretch a lot for that. I was...
I mean, I stopped. I have pretty bad back problems, but obviously. Oh yeah, Red Band also has back problems. You're basically a contortionist, Red Band. Yeah, he can sit at a 90 degree angle or lay down. It's unbelievable the fucking range on this guy. Sleeping or eating. That's right, that's right.
Unbelievable. Thank you. So let me ask you this, because this is what every dude is thinking in the room right now, dude, is what's the craziest contortion position you've ever had sex in? Has anyone ever fucked you, like, whatever that was, like, froggy style or whatever the fuck? Froggy style. Fucking upside fucking doggy. No, I don't know. I get pretty tired. I just like laying on my back. Yeah, Jewish girl. Come on.
That's a fucking Jewish girl. She's more Jewish than contortionist. All the guys that saw her contort that are like, fucking, I'm going to fucking do some crazy shit with that one. And she's just like, are you done yet? Are you done yet? So I tried to do crazy shit with my ex, but I found out that he was cheating on me. I saw videos on his computer. He was sucking dick while wearing my clothes.
No way. Oh my God. That's why I started stand-up. That's crazy. I don't remember dating you at all. Just kidding. I'm not gay at all. Wow. So what were you doing on his computer? That was the first time I've ever snooped because my intuition was screaming at me.
Hell yeah. Yeah, and I opened up his computer and it was in a file labeled sus. And
Oh, this is such a great interview. Thank you. That is unbelievable. Yeah, it was really traumatic. And funny. Sauce. S-U-S. It really said that? Yeah, and I didn't even have to open anything. Like, I opened the computer, and it was just up. Like, you know when, like, you have, like, a virus, and it's just like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. It was just, like, video of him sucking dick. Video, video, video, video, video. And I'm like...
Holy fucking shit. You suck dick better than I do. Right. Obviously, Jewish girl. Jewish women are known for that. What types of articles of clothing of yours was he wearing? Just a few of my favorite shirts. Pants like this. Right, like girly stuff. Girly stuff. And I don't want to shame his kinks, but he fucking cheated on me. And it's like, fuck that. It's okay, I'm over it.
Right. That's amazing. Do you think you're a little bit perhaps prude? Like you were not satisfying him? I mean, it seems like he's pretty much gay, though. I just didn't have a dick, you know? Right. So is he like happily gay now? I don't know. Is he out of your closet? That's a fucking smart one. That's a smart one. Smart and funny. That checks all the fucking boxes right there. He came out of your closet.
That's great. Unbelievable. Who writes this shit? Okay.
But is he like totally gay now? I have no idea. Like I had to just disconnect myself from that. Yeah. For myself, you know? Right. Did you at least send yourself the videos? Oh, I have. I recorded it. Because I'm like, if he gets home and I'm like, what the fuck is this? And he's like, I don't know what you're fucking talking about. I'd be like, well, look, you know? Right. I still have it. Do you masturbate to it? Yeah, I masturbate to it every night, you know? Yeah. No, I don't.
I don't. So have you been with another man since that happened? I have, yeah. Okay, are you currently in a relationship? I am not. Right, so you're just dating? I'm just, yeah. Is it mostly just Jewish guys? Never. Was he a Jewish guy? No. What was he? Not religious. Just a goy? Yeah, he was Mexican and Egyptian.
Wow. Mexican and Egyptian. Two different types of brown. Yeah. And brown is what he was into. Yeah. The assholes of men. Exactly. I saw that, yeah. All right. Well, an amazing, amazing time. I'm going to give you a big joke book, which is almost unprecedented for two months in. But you're a fucking great interviewer.
Fun times. There you go. Absolutely. There she goes. Samantha Blumenthal. Yeah. Okay. Another bucket pool. We're getting through it tonight. Make some noise for Holden DeShazo. Holden DeShazo or perhaps DeShazza. Yo, what's up? If I look young up here, y'all are all correct. I'm 16.
Yeah, yeah. I was born 16 years ago and I haven't been in pussy since, you know? This isn't my first time doing comedy though. The first time I did it, it was in front of a crowd of like 14, 15 people, which was cool to be doing stand-up, much less in front of the same size crowd as the WNBA playoffs. Know what I mean? My mom actually said she was going to wash my mouth out with soap for like saying all these bad words and stuff. Like, I don't know who she thinks she's talking to. You know what I mean? Because I'm Gen Z. We did the fucking Tide Pod Challenge. You know what I mean? No.
Like, dial soap ain't gonna do shit. That's like giving an opioid addict Tylenol. Like, that shit just doesn't work out. You know what I mean? Actually, speaking of drugs, I did get busted for smoking weed recently. It's weird I got caught, though. I ran out of weed, and I did what any 16-year-old would do. I went into my mom's room, topped Jordan her dresser. I busted into her stash of weed. I smoked all of it, and I only got caught when we realized we had the same dealer. And we both left disappointed because my grandma sold all of it. Thank you, guys. That's my time. What the fuck?
What the fuck? This is unbelievable. You're a very, very, very, very, very funny 16-year-old. That's incredible. Appreciate it. 16. Yes, sir. For real. Yeah. Unbelievable. I'm not faking like Heath Cordes. I'm real. No, Heath's real. Heath's real. I checked that motherfucker's ID night one. I did not believe it. But no, he is 21 and looks younger than you. It is crazy. Yeah, it's crazy. So, wow. How long have you been doing stand-up?
It'll be a year this month. And you do a lot of it? You put a lot of work into it? Yes, sir. I've been doing a lot of open mics. I'm from Houston. That's where you live? Yes, sir. I've been hitting up Secret Group, all that stuff. I love it. I love it. We love it over there. We love everything about Houston. It's a very, very, very fun place. So a year in stand-up and you're still in high school? I'm actually homeschooled now. Okay. Yeah. All right. To do this.
Is everybody that just drops out of school, did they just say they're homeschooled? Is that like a thing? I mean, I don't do a lot of school for homeschool, but I mean, there's a lot less school shootings, so that's good. That is true. That is true. People like you staying at home. It's just home shootings. That's it.
So this is absolutely incredible. 16 years old, you have definitive punchline setups. Is this something you've always wanted to do? What made you want to start doing this a year ago? It was weird. So like September of last year, I went to go see Bill Burr at Toyota Center. Yeah, shout out Bill Burr. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. And I was like, man, that's cool. I could do this. Yeah. And I was like... That's exactly...
Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly how I felt when Dane Cook's Vicious Circle came out in 2004. Tell us about it. So then you start, you go to your first open mic. Yeah. At 15? I was 15. It was weird because I called around and I was like, hey, I'm 15, will y'all let me in? And they said, fuck no. So...
I told my mom, they said yes, and we just showed up to the club. Right. For those of you listening from around the world, there's a very interesting fun fact about Texas is they have an unbelievable amount of really cool laws for performers. You can smoke whatever you want. You can do whatever you want as long as you're on a stage performing of some kind. And also anyone under 21 in the state of Texas is allowed in any
bar or club whatsoever as long as an actual parent is with you. Do you have an actual parent with you tonight? I do. Shout out my mom's here. Hell yeah. Where's she at? Is she hiding out? Is your mom shy? Is your mom shy or is she cool? Oh, she's cool. Should we bring her out here? Should we say hi to her? You want to bring her up real quick? We can. We can. Hell yeah. Let's do it. What's up? Come on up here. Join your boy. It's my mama.
Oh, hell yeah. Your mom does smoke weed. Look at those red eyes. Oh, shit. Busted. You guys smoke pot together sometimes? Hell yeah. Oh, hell yeah, dude. How come I didn't get to smoke pot with any of my high school teachers? This is crazy. Being homeschooled's the shit. Yeah, dude, it's cool. This is incredible. Mrs. DeShazo, am I saying that right? Mrs. DeShazo, are you super proud? Your kid seems to be on an absolute fast track to being a wild success. Woo!
Talk right into the tip of that microphone there. Yes, I'm super proud. It's crazy, and I cannot even believe that we're standing right here. Yeah, yeah. This is it. Hell yeah. This is really fucking cool. So, Holden, this is amazing. You... Jesus, I don't even know exactly what to ask a 16-year-old. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yeah, well, I was actually, I was trying to get on the mic here, and they wouldn't let me in. Right. And I ran into Cam Patterson. Shout out, Cam. Cool guy. One of the coolest motherfuckers I've ever met. He really is. And he got me on the Vulcan regular show over there. I did that, and then got invited back. I did that tonight, and then signed up for the second show, and here I am. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. How cool is this? There's basically nothing that can really stop you.
From this point from being a professional comedian starting at 16 is something that I only really only know of Eddie Murphy and Dave Chappelle Two of people that are recognized as two of the obviously all-time greats so What what do you do for fun at 16 years old when you're not doing stand-up comedy? What do you do you banging chicks yet? Yes, right in front of your mom you got it. She's plugging her. She's plugging her ears. Oh
I'll say I can't say anything like that. Mamma Mia! Right. Yeah, good job. He's banging, dude. Holden's holding. I love it. You ever bang a chick with your mom, like, in the same house as you? In the same house? No, no, no, but my ex-girlfriend tried to fuck me while she went to Walgreens, and I thought she was coming home soon, so I panicked, and I threw that bitch on the couch. Right. Yeah.
But mom wasn't home yet. No, she wasn't home, but I was scared she was going to come home and find Will come. Right. Exactly. Went from all greens to blue balls. Look at that. Incredible. Incredible. Holden, what else would we be surprised to know about you? This is a 16-year-old living in Houston. Surprised to know about me. The homo. Fat Pat.
Little. Hell yeah. I'll be listening to Mike Jones and all that shit. Right. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. 100%. Back then, hoes didn't want you. Now you're hot hoes all on you. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Just the streets. I have a lot of black friends. This guy's going to jerk off real quick. He's a big Mike Jones fan. Yeah. Look at this awkward moment.
Fuck yeah, dude. It's weird he's going to jerk off now there's a kid on stage. That's kind of crazy. That is true. You just got housed by a 16-year-old, by the way, sir.
Oh my goodness. Oh shit, you're a little fucking gangster, dude. 16 years old. How much time do you think you've accumulated? If you were to say you're comfortable and confident in the length of a set that you've accumulated in a year of doing this, how long would you say that that set is? I just did it, I don't know, like...
I just did a 45-minute set on my own. Hell yeah. Wow. I did it on my own. I figured it was just a free show I wanted to do at a bar that I had performed at before.
And, you know, I did it. That's how you do it. You got to throw yourself to the wolves. I tried to do an hour in fucking Youngstown, Ohio, less than a year after starting. In retrospect, it was unbelievably terrible. But one day you're going to look back at that set and remember, Mom, were you at that big 45-minute long set? How do you think he did? Talk into the mic. He did great. Like, you know, I wasn't really a big fan of this comedy thing to start with. Yeah. And...
And so it's taken me a little while to kind of get a little more comfortable with it. Right. And I was a little nervous about a 45-minute set because I thought, well, that's a really long time to have to talk about. Yeah, that's like 1% of his entire life. I know, right? But he killed it. He did great. He did. He killed it. That is amazing. Hold it and take the mic back. Where's dad at? He's not in the picture?
Oh, he's at home. Oh, okay. He supports you too? He does, he does, 100%. He might be, right now, as far as we've learned tonight, your dad might be banging your best friend right now. Possibly. It's possible. Holden, you know, you're a fucking anomaly, dude. I absolutely see a ton of amazing stuff happening in your future life.
No. Michael? I don't know. I don't know. Say what? You want to do a Holden? You want to do a minute in an arena on December 30th? Fuck yeah! Okay. Okay. Then you will. 16-year-old Holden DeShazo, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll see you at the HEB Center on December 30th. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. There he goes, holding his shades, though. Here, have some nicotine toothpicks. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Here's a big joke book, though, that matches your hat and your jacket. Ready for it? There you go. Ooh. That's why I never played baseball before. Yeah. Yeah, who needs to play baseball? Who needs to play baseball? There he goes, holding his shades, though, everybody.
He's going to be performing in an arena at the age of 16 years old, so that's interesting. Oh, wow, it's getting late, huh? What time did we start this? Oh, okay. Really? The ballpark of the actual start time? All right, last bucket pool of the night. Let's do it. Make some noise for Dave Harriman, everybody. Dave Harriman. What's up, Austin, Texas? Have y'all ever smoked crack in a bush?
My ex-wife said no more crack in the house. So I found a nice big thorn bush in my neighbor's backyard. And I made it my little crack bush. She tried to bring me out dinner and shit. But you know the crack kind of kills the fucking appetite, all right? I do go to AA meetings still. Not sober, all right? I do go for the crowd time, all right? I'm just saying you can hit about five meetings a day. That gives you about five minutes of sharing time. I'm just saying you knock out some sets, all right?
And if you want to double up, you hit a couple of NA meetings while you're at it. I'm not gay. I'm just wearing my gay shirt. I'm not gay, but my boyfriend did give me pulmonary edema, which is fluid on the lungs. Okay, ladies? All right. Um...
I am a proud EBT. I'm a proud EBT member, okay? I've had my card since 2006. And the seventh of every month, I do hold my EBT card up and I say, hallelujah, another 250. All right, thank y'all. Fuck yeah. Dave Harriman.
How's it going, Dave? How are you? What's up, Tony? How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. Have you been on the show before? First time. This is your first time? Yes. Absolutely. Cool. Four years. Where at? Charlotte, North Carolina. Charlotte, North Carolina. Okay. And how did you get fluid on the lungs? Oh, the cum. The jizz. Is that true? No, it's not true. It's actually, I OD'd and I had pulmonary edema. Okay. What did you OD on? My own throw-up.
What? Yeah, you asphyxiate on yourself. So you were drunk, you threw up, and choked on your own vomit. I wasn't drunk. You were sober? No, I was doing heroin. Okay, there we go. So you OD'd on heroin. There we go. We finally got there, everybody. What am I, a fucking cop or something? I don't know. Are you? I don't know. I'm fine. It was just my vomit. What? All right. How long have you been doing heroin? I quit about three years ago.
You still think about it every day? You think about it every day? You want some? Nah. You want some? I know a 16-year-old with a hookup. All right. I'll take the acid or the 16-year-olds. No, I'm just kidding. Are you really sober now, or you just don't do heroin? Well, I drink. Right. How often do you drink? All the time. All the time. All the time? Not periodically. Every morning. Every morning. Okay. What do you do for work? I work at Hooters.
What? Holy shit. Unicorn. You're one of the weirdest Hooters waitress I've ever seen. Just imagine the disappointed table. It's like, what the fuck? I'll take the fucking wings. Jesus Christ. You actually know Billy Ray. I actually took his job on accident. Who the fuck is Billy Ray? The fat guy.
No? You got to fight at Hooters? No? Okay, all right. How would I know a guy named Billy Ray at Hooters? I don't know. I'm sorry. Are you serious? He's been on the show before. So there's a comedian named Billy Ray that worked at Hooters? Yeah, that's right. I don't know. All right, never mind. Sorry. We've been doing this a long time. My bad. What did Billy Ray do at Hooters? Was he a cop? He beat somebody up and then got arrested and then I went and checked on him. How long ago was he on the show if you had to guess? About a month ago.
Oh my god. We talked about this. Do you remember talking about it? I don't remember any of this. Really? I don't think he talked about that. Did he tell you that he talked about it? Did you see it? I saw the show, yeah. Okay. Yeah, you definitely did. You definitely did. Things move fast here. There's not enough energy in the world. Oh.
Oh, I know that guy, yeah. He's had a few jobs, that fucking guy. I think he works at a pizza place here on 6th Street now. Okay, so what do you do with the Hooters? I manage. You're the manager of the Hooters. I'm the hourly manager, yes. Something for the guys to look at when their erections are out of control. You just, the old erection destroyer over here. An erection denier, if you will. Hey, I like that. That was good.
Anything interesting about your life, Dave? I just recently moved here about five months ago. I sold my girlfriend's house and took the money and I moved down here. Did you bring her with you? No. What do you mean? This is like a fucking riddle or something? What's going on here? I sold my girlfriend's house and came here without her to figure it out.
You have 30 minutes or else the doors will not unlock. Come on, dude. Answer the fucking questions. Jesus fucking Christ. I was a realtor back home and I sold my girl's house and I spent the money and moved down here. Without telling her. Have you talked to her since then? Yes. And what does she say about that? Well, she flew me out to Myrtle Beach. Uh-huh. And? For an AA conference. Uh-huh. And then what happened? We fucked. We fucked.
Right. And hung out all weekend. Uh-huh. Was she letting you keep the money from her house? Yeah. Why? Because I was a realtor. I got the commission. The commission. So she got all the money? Oh, she got all the money, yeah. Right. So you're just like trying to trick us or something like that. I guess. Yeah, stupid. Sorry. There was literally a 16-year-old and a little Jewish girl that had better interviews than you tonight. I don't know.
The trick is honesty here. What do you guys think about this piece of heroin-filled trash? I'm not asking you. I'm not asking you. I think you might need to restart, dog. I think it's time to take you out.
Nigga, you a crackhead. That was crazy. You sold your girl's house behind your back. I'll tell you what, we're doing an arena on December 30th, and if you want to shoot up heroin in the parking lot, you have full permission. Thank you. Full permission to tie one off. Appreciate that. We're going to keep it moving along. There goes Dave Harriman, everybody. Here's a little joke, bud. Last name was Harriman? Harriman. Not heroin.
But it should be heroin because it looks like he's still on it. Imagine how much heroin you have to do that after three years of sobriety you look like you just shot up.
All right, ladies and gentlemen. Well, I'm going to be honest with you. William Montgomery is out tonight, everybody. I know. I know. A devastating blow. A devastating blow indeed. But he had a little bit of an emergency and could not make it. However, if you recognize the music coming from behind me, we do have another one of the regulars here. An absolute fucking sensation who destroys. I mean, this guy's been doing theaters with me all around the world, and I fucking love working with him.
This is a brand new minute again from the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. So, I fucked a bodybuilding bitch three weeks ago. And let me tell you how it happened though. I was on Tinder. It was 3 o'clock in the morning. You know at 3 o'clock in the morning you want to fuck something real bad. So I was just swiping like a motherfucker. I was just sending out hair marys like a bitch, right?
And at one swipe, I just seen some big-ass titties. I was like, "Mm." So I just went, "I want to suck your titties." And she responded, "Well, come suck 'em then." Touchdown! So... So I get to the crib, right? And I don't see big-ass titties. I see Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in the wind. So now I am terrified. I'm scared as shit. So when I get out of the house, I lock myself in the bathroom, and I start doing research, right? I want to make sure she really a lady, right?
I'm in and I'm scrolling and shit and I found out she was born related. So I'm like, oh cool, we can fuck now. But I don't know if y'all know this or not, but if you ever fucking a girl you think might be a dude, your research never stops. So 30 seconds in, we fucking the missionary, right? And she think I'm trying to choke her. But I'm feeling for Adam's apple. Cause bitch, you ain't finna get me, stupid. Dumbass. I will tell you this, though. At one point, at one point we were fucking, I felt so safe in her strong ass arms.
I just let myself go. I felt free. I felt so free. And we were fucking, and at one point she bitch pressed me out of her pussy. And I just went, whee! I was having a great time. I think I'm about to go. Fuck yes. An absolute fucking anomaly. Our sweet, sweet monster, Cam Patterson.
What I love about what just happened here is that we've heard about this, the premise through an interview, and maybe even you dabbled in it on stage on the show before. But what I love about what you did here is you showed us what the product has become over time of that
bit that is absolutely amazing I see I've actually seen you do that in theaters and it absolutely fucking destroys it's amazing to see you just be able to kick out brand new unbelievable minutes I mean clearly this set of the night
D-Madness can't even contain what he saw here tonight. So Cam, fantastic work. That is amazing. You're out there just living life. Living your life and this shit turns into material. Nah, it's the best shit. It's tough, you know what I'm saying? But if you're on a pedestal like this, you gotta keep pushing. So I'm trying to push these bitches out. You feel me? Absolutely. It is a high pressure situation. You're absolutely killing it.
Ahsan and Derek, you get to see and work with Cam all the time here at the mothership. What do you have to say about them? Well, usually when Cam and I talk, it's usually talking about how we can make the joke better. And
an angle you have there that you didn't use is that you could give her a voice. Like a really deep voice. You know, like, you know, you make her calm and she goes, thank you, brother, or something like that. You know what I mean? Like, bro, if you give her the character, there's more ways, more routes for you to go. Yeah, I'm almost there. I'm gonna do it. Hell yeah. That's a good punch up right there. Bro, I knew you were retarded the day I met you, my nigga. He's so funny. I took him to see Oppenheimer when it came out. Oppenheimer, him! Yeah!
And then we got out of the theater, I said, "Cam, what'd you think of the movie?" He said, "Man, that motherfucker got bitches." I was like, "Wow. What a review of Oppenheimer." He did! Y'all said bitches, dog! Bro, he was fucking the whole movie! They were like, "Yo, I want you to know he made these bombs, but also he got bitches." Like, I don't know, y'all know this or not, but he was fucking these hoes. For sure. Crazy!
Y'all niggas hate scientists? Well, this scientist got bitches. That shit is crazy. It's insane, bro. Absolutely. Amazing. What else is going on, Cam? Anything else we should know? I almost cried back there because you got my young boy on. What's his name? You know that 16-year-old? That's my little nigga, bro. Okay. How do you know him? From the streets? You guys went to homeschool together? What is this? Nah, one day after Kiel Tony. You guys on the same grade right now? Yeah. Shut up.
Cam didn't learn how to count to 10 until he was 12. So shut up. I'm allowed to make these jokes. I'm friends with his dad. Yeah. And my dad can't read, so be quiet. Yeah. That's true. My whole family fucked up a little bit. Alright?
Tony changed my fucking life. Fuck you groaning bitches, okay? That is true. That is true. So how do you know Holden Deshaise though? Nah, I was out there one day after one of the shows and shit, and he was just around. I fucked with his energy. He told me he was sitting there doing comedy. And these niggas done putting it on. You done putting it on, you know what I'm saying? So...
What I learned, you don't put me on like in such a big, you know what I'm saying? So I learned like being here is like, you know, you pass it forward. And I ain't never seen him do stand up ever, but I fuck with his energy, you know what I'm saying? How he talk and shit. I'm like, man, come do the record show on Tuesday. He came out, he couldn't, his mom didn't want him to come out. So I gave him $250 just to come back because he live in Houston. You know what I'm saying? So I gave him $250 to come back because these niggas put me on. Y'all put me on. I see. I think I remember you telling me about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's crazy. Love to hear it. That's amazing. I had no idea, but I think I remember that because I think I remember telling you you shouldn't give somebody $250. Yeah, he was like, don't do that. That's dumb as fuck. I did, right? I think I remember that. That's fucking retarded. I was drunk. I was drunk. It was late, but I remember. I was drunk when I gave it to him. I was like, here you go, $250. You come back and you have a good show, okay? Here you go, $250. That's amazing. I was drunk as shit.
Amazing. That made me trip a little bit, man. I like talking to him, he hit me up all the time about advice and shit, and I just tell him to keep doing you. That's how small the world is, and how small Austin is, and how crazy... Animal fuck his mom. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Her pussy's gonna be as red as her eyes are after you're done with her.
- Yeah, I'm gonna do that. I got ulterior motives, I'm sorry. - Oh my goodness gracious. - Nah, I don't know, but you're a good dude. - In call or out call? - Huh? - I love it. Cam, you're an absolute legend and you will be performing with Holden DeShazo at the H-E-B Center. There you go. Fun times. There he goes, the great and powerful Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen.
How loud can this place get for our great guests, Derek Poston and Hasan Ahmad? They have a brand new podcast out called The Solid Show, available everywhere. YouTube, Spotify, iTunes, everywhere. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel is in, and it's unbelievable. Let's see the drawing from the great local artist Chris Rogers. Oh, shit! Cam Patterson with White Bitches!
Unbelievable. This South Park series he's been doing is absolutely mind-boggling. How loud can this place get? One more final time for the best damn band in the land. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, retaining, winning the Mexican Drum Off tonight. The great Paul Diemer on the horns. Dee Mendis on the bass guitar, everybody. John Dees on the keys. And the Memphis Mutator, Matt Muehling, everybody, on the electric guitar.
Red band. Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club next door with the blood all over the place. Go to sunsetscriptats.com. Son of a bitch. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night.
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*Squish*
*Dog barks*
