#645- LOUIS KATZ
02:04:12 Share

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Back on my stand-up tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the Fully Grown Tour before this. Vancouver, Portland, and Seattle. You're next. January 25th, 26th, and 27th. And then Los Angeles, California, I do stand-up. Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, New York.

St. Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates. Really excited for you to see it. Taking some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of them. Get tickets now at TonyHinchcliffe.com. This is going to be my last stretch of the stand-up tour for the rest of 2024. It's all just performing in Austin and Kill Tony from there. So hope to see you soon. ♪♪♪

Hey, this is Red Rampage coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?

Fuck yeah. Thanks so much for Red Band, everybody. Live in the flesh. The real deal. This is Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, NinjaBuses.com, Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, and Connect Mobile Health, where you can get an IV drip by using the promo code KILL15 and save 15% and become fully hydrated. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, everybody? Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Thank you.

Paul Deemer on the horns with a new Coca-Cola sponsorship. That is the madman Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. The great John Dees on the keys. And indeed, the backbone, Dee Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. Very exciting stuff ahead. Before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

a few shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday only on Peacock. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? We're going to have a lot of fun. You know, we've had a lot of, we have debuted a lot of guests on this show. I remember when it was Shane Gillis' first time. I remember Tim Dillon's first time.

I remember Adam Ray's first time. A lot of the greatest guests in our history. It all starts with one appearance. This is this guy's first time on as a guest. One of the top young rising comedians out of New York has a brand new special out on YouTube. Makes some noise for the great Louis Katz, everybody. It's Louis, everyone. Not that Louis. It's another Louis. It's Louis Katz. Sit here, Louis. Slide on down. Fuck yeah.

Louis Katz. His new special, Present Tense at Louis Katz Comedy on YouTube. Welcome to the show, Louis. Thanks for having me. You know what? I did do it once before, but it was like 12 people in the comedy store. Really? Yeah, a long, long time ago. Oh, shit. I had no idea about that. Sorry. We're gonna, let's take it from the top. You want it? No, I'm kidding.

Wow, that's amazing. Who else was on that episode? - It was me and Fulcheron. - Okay, wow, all right. Okay, well, here we are. Now this is big. - This is a whole nother, there was no ban, this is a whole nother thing. - It's a whole nother fucking thing altogether. It turns out this is the number one live podcast in the world. But Louis, you might remember how it works. An absolute buttload. We did the measurements. It was a buttload of comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage tonight.

You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I ask them a bunch of questions and we find out more about them and anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised. You guys ready to have some fucking fun tonight, huh? Yeah.

So I go into the bucket and I pre-pull a name and they go get them from next door and we're going to start the show. Believe it or not, this might blow your fucking mind. We're going to start the show with one of our regulars, everybody. This guy, uh,

blatantly lived in a van and barely had any money. He never hooked up with girls when we first met him. Two and a half years later, he's an international superstar, wears a Rolex, drives fast cars, has a hot white girlfriend. Ladies and gentlemen, you guys know the words? Sing it. Hans Kim, everybody! This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. Thank you.

What's up? I don't know if you guys have noticed, but the space between my eyebrows and my eyes is very large. You know, right here. And my eyes start right there. I'm one of the few people that can express anger and surprise with aviator sunglasses on. It almost got me a role on Top Gun 2. No goose. Damn Russians. Thank you.

I think that the penis is the superior peeing mechanism. The only side effects are rape and murder. But other than that, the penis is superior. Do not give a fuck about polar bears. Sorry, polar bears. I don't give a fuck about you. Sorry you evolved the camouflage against something that melts. Try the sky or water next time.

Some helpful tips for the polar bears. All right, thank you. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus. Fuck you guys. Oh, shit. He's mad, folks. We got a mad Hans Kim here doing jokes for the polar bears to the polar bears. That's a first.

You have a lot of polar bears in your fan base, Hans? - A lot of white gay men, so. - Okay, so let's go back to this peeing mechanism, penis peeing mechanism thing, because that's where I got confused. I don't know about anybody else.

Let's go back. What are you saying? Penis is a perfect mechanism for peeing? Yes. But it's bad for rape and for murder? It's bad because the side effects include rape and murder. Getting raped and being murdered? No, it causes rape and murder. Okay.

But why would a penis cause murder? Because it has testosterone and evil juices. You think that's where the testosterone goes? You think it goes to your penis from your brain and puts off chemicals in your penis? I'm sure it couldn't help. I mean, if you have murderous thoughts, try chopping your dick off.

I think it's actually, I think chopping your dick off might cause more murderous thoughts. I think it's the balls, the testicles, which would hold the, which would be the main, I think cutting off your penis would force you to not be able to cum, so then your balls would have even more. Does this make sense at all? Is there a trans person here who could help with this? I don't know.

I believe Hans thinks cum comes from your penis, everybody. This is what we're finding out right now. Well, the penis causes murder, you know? Like, lots of men, you know, get rageful because they have a penis and they want to stick it in things. So if you don't have a penis, then you don't want to murder as much. How many murders have you done? 17. Wow. All on stage. Hell yeah. Just not in front of this audience. Interesting. Has your penis ever led you to want to actually kill somebody?

It has. I don't know how much I should reveal. But yes, I have had murderous thoughts. You know, haven't we all?

I don't know how much I should reveal. It's one of the scariest things I've ever heard you say every week for two and a half years we've been doing this, and that's pretty frightening. What can you... Why don't we just reveal everything, and then we'll edit out if you've actually murdered somebody. Hans is extremely honest, for those of you that don't follow the show closely. He cannot lie. He's like a George... Who was it that didn't lie? George Washington. Johnny Appleseed. Mm.

Oh, the stripper thinks it was Abe Lincoln. It was. It was Abe Lincoln. Oh my goodness, you are. The Red Rose girls would never get that right. That's a true yellow rose. Abe Lincoln. Oh yeah, tip of the bucket hat to us. Absolutely. Hell yeah. You want to know us, go with the boa. You know what I'm saying? Okay.

So when I was in high school, my dad wouldn't let me watch TV on the weekdays, and I punched a hole in the wall, and I burned up a bunch of papers in the toilet, in the bathroom, in the sink. So that was my... And then I cut my hand also. I cut little cuts in my hand. You were a little cutter? Yeah, I was just trying it out. Did you end up getting attention from your parents from the cutting? Yeah, it was just... They were kind of like...

pitying me. They thought I was pathetic. Right. Yeah. Cutting yourself isn't a sign that you're a murderer. It's a sign that you might shop at Hot Topic or something like that. But that doesn't make you a murderer. Thank God. It just means I'm a pussy. I was implying that, but you said it. Yes. So the hole in the wall, how did you punch a hole in the wall?

Oh, yes. Variation. Variation on the punch. And the papers in the sink, what made you do that? I think I just wanted to watch something burn. I think I was actually trying to forge my parents' signature on our band's timesheet for saying I practiced the trumpet and I was trying to forge their signature and I messed up so I burned up a bunch of them.

But it was pretty thrilling for me. Wow. What was the worst punishment you ever got from your parents? You seem like a very rebellious Korean boy. The TV thing was pretty harsh in my opinion. No TV on the weekdays. Another thing that they did to me was, you know, when I was a little boy, my dad brought me upstairs and he hit my calf with like a stick.

He had a special stick? Yeah. Was it from outside or was it something else? It was like from a TV antenna or something. And he was like, see, I need to hit you. This is for your own good. Here, I'll hit myself. And he hit himself. And then he's like, okay, now I get to hit you. And I was like, this is so weird. This is like even worse than if you just beat me. Yeah, Louie. Sounds vaguely sexual, I would say. Kind of hot. Yeah.

You have a ball gag in during this? I don't want to hear you cry. Put the ball gag in your mouth. I hit me and then I hit you. You've been a bad boy.

you're so much more masculine when you're Korean. It's really impressive. I have a fully grown Korean man deep inside me. Not the first time. Anyway. All right, Hans. Well, you got tonight's show started. You fucking did it again. Anything else you want to say? You seem like you have fucking something on your mind. Seems like you have unfinished business up here. Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

I don't know. You guys must not think about polar bears as much as I do. But yes, I'll come back and I got some new bits that I'm trying to work on. I love it. Hans, everything's good. You have one of the hardest jobs in fucking stand-up. William has a bunch of amazing trademark things he can do. Cam is still in his first...

six months of doing it. He's burning through material, writing new material and this and that. You've been doing this for two and a half years. It's not easy to do what you do. Don't take it hard on yourself, but you did kind of bomb tonight. But don't take it that hard on yourself. It's the craziest thing in fucking...

comedy history to have to do a new minute every week with millions of people watching. Literally, people don't make it a minute into most of the specials that go out nowadays like on fucking Netflix and shit. Wow, both of the band members just said it's true at the same time. Just to let you know how spot on I am. How spot on I am.

Fuck yeah. But yeah, it's crazy what you do. Louis? Yeah, don't be so hard on yourself. Just go back home and get back to cutting yourself. Yeah, you did pretty good. All that I ask is ten Hail Marys and five self-whips with an antenna. There he goes. Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. Did I pull a second name out yet? That's first. Second. Ooh, that's inside. Look at that.

Oh, that's inside. Go let him know that he's up second. That's incredible. All right, your first comedian tonight out of the bucket. We're going to meet them all together. I think you guys know how this works. This is where we found everybody. Anything can happen. Everybody has a chance. Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Austin Young, everybody. Austin Young. Austin Young.

What's going on guys? What's up? You guys drinking tonight? Dude, I fucking love drinking. I drink a lot of beer. Love Bud Light. Fucking love it, dude. Just want to say, as a man with a dick and tits, it's so great to finally have a beer that makes me feel seen. I fucking... Hell yeah. Yeah.

I love drinking, dude. I can't smoke weed. I'm too dumb regularly, and I get even dumber when I'm high. I got really high, and I was at this park. I was walking, and there was this Indian family ahead of me. And when I say Indian, I mean, you know. There's two types. But it was these guys. And I was listening to them talk. They were speaking Hindi and then English and then back to Hindi. I was so high, I was like, wait, can I understand them? I was like, wait, can I understand them?

And then I started listening to some more and they were speaking Hindi and then English and then they just kept speaking English and I slowly started to realize that they were speaking English the whole time. Thank you guys. That's my time. Thank you. Austin Young with his Kill Tony debut. Am I correct? This is your first time? Look at you. You're adorable. You look like if Kevin James ate Kevin James.

That's right. It's amazing. You got an applause break with your very first joke. We got word in immediately that Hans was so mad he lit papers on fire in the sink. Currently one of the sinks has papers burning in it.

But you're wearing a fire department shirt. Do you work at the fire department? I do not. This is my brother's station here, so I'm just repping his station here in Matlashay, Florida. Stolen valor. All right. Very good. Yep, that's right. Thought you were a goddamn hero. No, I'm a truck driver, and I shovel horse shit on the side. I love it. Yeah, that makes sense. The only 9-11 you're part of is when you look at the number on the scale. Yeah, that's right. I'm a big boy. You are a big, big boy.

Boy, I love it. So what do you do for work? I'm a truck driver and I shovel horse shit. Shovel horse shit? Yeah. Wow. How often do you shovel horse shit? Like every weekend. Every weekend. How many hours on a weekend do you... Just depends how much they eat. Right. This guy has a job from another time. Yeah.

People still live there. That's incredible. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Do you have to find the horse? No, no. It's a horse boarding spot, so then I just shovel horse shit. When you say shoveling horse shit, is it like real horse shit or is it like Hans' polar bear joke from earlier? No.

Nah, it's real horse shit. They're thoroughbreds. Dressage and shit. It's pretty cool. Okay, thoroughbred is another bread that you love. Yeah. I prefer sourdough, honestly, but I don't mind. Absolutely. I like your style. So you live in Florida? Yes. What part? I'm from Fort Myers originally. Okay. Anybody? And you drive trucks all around the country or what? I used to. Now I'm local.

Now you're local. Yeah. What are you doing? You delivering stuff? Yeah, I deliver parts, car parts. Okay. For GM. So that's pretty cool, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Absolutely. And what do you do for fun? This. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing it for four years. Four years? All of it in Fort Myers? All over Florida. And then I just moved here about...

a year ago. You moved to Austin? Yes, sir. Amazing. And your name is Austin Young? Yes, I know. And you're new to Austin? Yes. And you're Austin Young? Yes, sir. Okay. Easy to remember. Yeah, absolutely. Until you've been here a while. I know, yeah.

Okay, so other than stand-up comedy, what do you do for fun? You seem like you have some hobbies. You have one of those little miniature train sets or something like that? Put on a special hat, take it very seriously. Trains are pretty dope. I watch a lot of movies and shit. Are you allowed to watch movies on the weekdays? Sometimes. If I'm really good, my parents will let me. It's pretty dope. Yeah.

But yeah, I'm a boring guy, dude. How old are you? I am almost 30. Okay. Why'd you laugh when you answered that? Because people just think I'm so young. Right. Yeah, I thought you were 11. I have that sweet baby face. I have a sweet baby face. You do. Very, very sweet. And by sweet, I mean diabetic. That's right. So...

Austin, do you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy? If I stand up too fast, I get dizzy. That's perfect.

Full applause break by the crew. Look at that. I love it. The Kill Tony team loves that response. We love honesty here. A little fun fact about killing in the interview is just be honest. If you're honest, it automatically works. And you are. We believe that you get dizzy. Have you ever passed out or anything like that? No, I ain't no bitch. Whoa, whoa.

Jeez Louise. I mean, it's a medical condition, but I... It is, and all those people that faint are bitches. Wow. That's absolutely... Just power through it. Just grab a wall. You'll be good. You think Tony Soprano was a bitch? I do. Oh my God. Wow. That's... On sight. On sight. Guess who's standing though?

Oh, wow. He's dead, right? Yeah, he was... But he died older than you will ever be. So it's kind of a catch Tony 2 over there, you know what I mean? Rest in peace, the great James Gandolfini, one of the best television actors of all time. Anyway, what would we be surprised to know about you, Austin Youngs? A little fun fact about your life. Fun fact? I don't know, dude. I don't have many fun facts. Uh...

I'm a boring dude. Fuck. Is your brother that's a firefighter more fit than you? Of course, obviously. Well, I mean, I don't know. He could be the guy that catches everybody when they come down the pole or something like that. He could be the guy in charge of feeding the Dalmatian or something. I'd eat all the Dalmatian's food. That's not good responsibility. He could lie on the ground when they jump out the window and they just land on him. Yeah.

I love it. Austin, what's your love life like? My love life? Too great. I get so much pussy. It's insane. I can't stop getting laid. It's a real problem. Are you being sarcastic? No, dude. I fucking... Are you being sarcastic now? No, dude. How about now? No, no. You said... Remember when I said the honest part from earlier? I know. That's why I'm being honest, Tony. Okay. Where do you get all this pussy from, you fat fuck? Tinder.

Just tender, dude. Really? Yeah. So you really do get a ton of pussy. I do, all right. And by a ton of pussy, I mean one of the girls you hook up with at a time. Yeah. Because they're heavily overweight. Yeah. You reverse catfish them? I do. They're never ready. And they catfish you? They do. It's just always a double catfish every hookup you have. You're like, yeah, I'm disappointed and so are you. Let's fuck.

Just a couple cute Snorlaxes, just fucking, it's pretty cool. I love it. So you really get them off Tinder. Like, their most recent hookup, when was that? Last week. Explain to us how that goes down. This is a one-night stand. Oh, shit. My family's watching this. They never even knew that I had sex before. You are correct. Everyone thinks you're a virgin. I know, that's so crazy. I'm not going to believe it until I actually get through this story. I'm still not convinced. Ah, fuck.

She was in an open relationship deal, so she just came over and... Hold on. Slow it down. So someone messages you on Tinder, you swipe. How does this work? Take it from the beginning. I just keep swiping until I run out of swipes, and then I just see what the Lord blessed me with. So that's usually how I go. It's called trolling for bottom feeders. That's what that is. That's right.

Right. So what happens? You invite her over? Yeah, so she came over. It smells like horse shit in here. She came. Oh, we have some audio from your living room right now. Because you're shoveling the horses that live with you. Yeah.

So she comes over. What happens first? She comes over. She wanted to smoke some weed, and I haven't smoked in a while. Ooh. Hell yeah. You get really dizzy when you stand up on that. Let's just say I didn't stand up that day. I just stayed on the seated. And I got too high, and then I really couldn't stand her, and I wanted her to leave. What was so annoying about this lady? Oh, she's going to hear this. Fuck.

No one cares. You don't have to say that before every question. What was your school like? Well, my teachers might be listening, but... Jesus, fucking answer the question. She just wouldn't shut the fuck up. I was trying to... We were watching a movie. I was into the movie. I liked it. What was the movie? Oh, my God. What?

Answer the questions. It was Storks. It's a cute-ass movie on Netflix. Oh, my God. It's animated. It's adorable. Did you say cute-ass movie? It's a cute movie. Oh, my God. She said she wanted to watch stuff in animated. I said, let's watch Storks. It's the cutest fucking movie ever. You denied pussy for cartoons? What the fuck? No, I still got the pussy. All right. Storker and porker. You know what I mean? That's what I always say. I know what's going on.

Hell yeah. Absolutely. So about how long through Storks do you make your move? I didn't. I was too high. And then she kind of made the first move and I just let it happen. And then it's like she just tried to go again. And I'm like, I'll be honest, I'm way too high and I'm very sleepy. Do you watch Storks a lot? No. No.

How many times do you think you've watched it? That was my second time. So that's why I was like, I really liked it the first time I watched it. And I was like really looking forward to seeing it again. And this bitch wouldn't shut the fuck up. So it's an adorable movie. Right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So then what happens?

She's like, I can go if you want. And then what'd you say? Yes. Okay. No, before that, the sex part, like what happens first? She blew me. Okay. So what is it? You're good. You guys are sitting on a couch. Yeah. Okay. And she just starts doing that. Yeah. Okay. It's pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you have to like scoot down so your belly isn't over your junk? How does that work when you're morbidly obese? You've seen Peter Griffin when he was naked, right? No. Okay. You never watched Family Guy? Not all of us fuck the animated shit, dude. You can watch it and not fuck. Can you get hard without a cartoon on in the background? No. Okay.

It's got to be on, dude. Okay, so she's blowing you and then what happens? I cum so hard. Oh, so that's it. I mean, what do you think? She was blowing me. That's what happens. So no sex, nothing for her. You throw one of those meaty fingers in there or anything? Look at those fucking hangers you got. Look at those fucking trucker hands, dude. You got that fucking... You got that muscle milk running through you.

Yeah, there it is. Is that what it sounds like when you cum? Here, do it again. That's my impression of you cumming. It's pretty spot on, Tony. Hell yeah. All right, Austin. Well, welcome to the show. Congratulations. Great set. Here's a big joke book for a big man. Thank you, guys. Austin Young, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

All right, this is very cool. We know this guy. He's on the inside because we know this guy. We love this guy. He was a fucking makeshift random fucking friend that we made very, very early on. He was...

Really just working security and hanging out with us and smoking a bunch of weed for a few months. And then he started doing stand-up himself. He's been on the show a couple times. He works a lot. So I'm excited to see a brand new minute from our friend Hank Garza, ladies and gentlemen. Big Hank. Big Hank Garza. Come on, make some noise for Hank, everybody. I get it. You're thinking, hey, Beaner Ray Cyrus, tell us a joke in Espanol. Well, here you go.

I believe anything could be a cum rag if you have enough regret. I grew up in South Texas. We did things a little different, that's right. We weren't exposed to white wine like the rest of y'all.

When somebody asked me, "Hank, what's your favorite white wine?" I'd say, "You're in America! Speak English!" Do y'all like impressions? Here you go. My dick! Where's my dick? That is somebody that got a sex change, but then got Alzheimer's later in life, sir. One more. One more. All right, here we go. One more. I need somebody to act stupid retarded. You right there. Do it. The future, ladies and gentlemen, and golden ticket winner.

Thank you. That's my time. All right, Hank Garza. Hank Garza coming out angry. Look at him smiling now, but he comes out like who the fuck likes impressions out here?

So angry. It's very, very, very aggressive comedy. My bad. What do you think happened there? Like, look at you. This is who you really are. Look how happy you are. Why do you think you're scary when you're trying to be funny and funny when you're not? I don't know, man. It just comes out. That's just how it comes. That's the interpretation. Maybe nerves. Yeah, maybe nerves.

And you're implying that we only have retarded golden ticket winners here on the show? I mean, the record speaks for itself. But you know none of them are retarded, right? You know cerebral palsy and being retarded are two different things. It's still the Special Olympics, so... Okay, well, okay. It's pretty incredible because, I mean, the one guy that is retarded, Jared Nathan, kills all the time. And he doesn't come out like...

Como Sedice running Stimpy. But meanwhile, you're trying to take digs at mentally challenged people.

Came out swinging, dude. What do you expect, man? You should try it like Mello sometime. The same jokes. I bet it would work so much better. Yeah. Do you perform like that when you're doing like the shows out in Timbuktu or whatever? No. As you can tell from the vest that he's wearing, he's a true Texan. He's got a hard nipple or something. It's my glasses. I don't wear glasses on stage. Thank you, Red Band, for your observations.

So, Hank, tell us, how's it been going? How long have you been doing stand-up now? A year and a half. A year and a half. And you're a big man, been doing it a year and a half. How's that going for you? Not bad. I mean, it could be best. It could be better, but, I mean, it's all on me. Just out here fucking grinding. Yeah.

That's it, dude. I mean... Yeah. No, I get it. And what else is going on in life? Tell us more about... It's fucking falling apart, dude. What the fuck you want me to say? Anybody else going through some shit? Holy shit. Tell us about it, Aang. I'm scared. What are you willing to talk about here? I'm going through addiction. I'm trying to get my family back. What the fuck, dude? I'm trying to get this comedy together, trying to make y'all laugh. That's how it's going, dog. That's how it's fucking going. So you wonder why somebody comes out here just swinging. It's Ed and Nami. Yeah.

Wow. I don't want to end up being your comrade tonight, so I'm a little bit nervous about what I'm going to say next here. Louie, you ever seen anything quite this scary before in your life? No, not that... No, it's pretty scary. I mean, during the act, I thought it was scary. You should say that you're Mexican. I didn't know you were Mexican when you came out, so that joke kind of went over my head. Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't know. You could be Arab, which would be scarier to me, but I...

Why don't you talk about the addiction and the stuff that you're going through instead of making someone else do an impression for you? That is a good question. Why don't you talk about the serious stuff going on in your life? Do you have jokes about that? No, not yet. It's just, no, I don't have any jokes. I don't think it's that funny. Right. It seems like we do. It's pretty hilarious to us. Oh, I bet.

Amazing. So you're trying to get your family back. What happened to your family? Did they get deported? Yeah, man. They got here before. They weren't dreamers. No, I mean, you know, just some stuff happens with the family and sometimes, you know, daddy just has to step away. That's it. That's what my dad did. Yeah.

No, I'm around, though, but yeah. It's a little complicated, but you know. Okay. All right. Any other- Ten years of marriage, dude. I mean, you're going to have your ups and downs, though. Jesus Christ. You are- Are you sure? The addiction problems that you mentioned, did you perhaps do a little bit of blow before coming up here tonight? No, no, no. No, no.

Any special skills or talents other than comedy? I sang last time. I don't know. I do a lot of yoga, but I'm not about to flex my ass. Don't do yoga. What did you sing last time? Like a Mexican song? Yeah, mariachi. I was a mariachi. All right, do it again real quick. Let's get some fucking energy in the room. I think a lot of the audience is scared right now. One, two, one, two, three, four. It's a ring of fire, everybody.

I fell into a bird's- Okay, stop, stop, stop. Yeah, I sing in Spanish. I sing in Espanol. Holy shit. I love it. Well, Hank, you already have joke books, fun times. Congratulations. Next time, smile. I'm telling you, it's going to be 100% different.

How about a hand for Hank Garza, everybody? Wow. Over two for our insiders tonight. Hans and Hank. It's going to be an angry green room right now. A lot of tension in there. Austin Young is out there having the time of his life. So let's go back to the bucket again. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for your next poll. 60 seconds for Tim Harris, everybody. Tim Harris. Tim Harris.

I like to keep up with the space news. I stay really in tuned. There's a... I learned recently there's a hole in the sun size of 60 Earths. But don't freak out. NASA released an update. A new celestial body is coming from outer space. It's going to fill the hole. They're naming it the Uncle. Yeah, so don't fret. I would have liked to...

I would have liked to grow up in ancient Greece, I think. Like, growing up in the U.S. is cool, but ancient Greece would be cooler. Like, you just get to sit around thinking about thinking, having orgies with your friends, fucking boys. It's just a freer society, and they got to look at the stars and shit. And speaking of fucking boys, I grew up Catholic, and... Yeah, it...

It's always odd to me that priests, they pray, but they're predators. I don't know. It always confused me. Thank you. Okay.

Tim Harris

A dog kennel? Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. Fucking hanging with dogs all day, dude. Fuck yeah. Yeah, dude. You're like a real stoner. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You look like you sleep on a surfboard. Fuck.

How long have you worked at a dog kennel? I got two weeks in. You're two weeks in. I'm two weeks in. What's the longest you've ever had a job? Because you said that like you were very proud of yourself. Year and a half. I got two weeks under my belt, Tony. Unbelievable.

What do you do at the dog kennel? Dude, I clean up shit. Everybody here shoveling shit. Very interesting. Everybody here shoveling absolute shit. There you go. There's your one fart sound for the episode brought to you by Red Band, everybody. Okay, so you're shoveling shit. Louie?

I just, it was crazy. You talked about like the stars. You talked about Greek history. It's a lot of nerdy topics, but you also seem kind of dumb at the same time. And it's such a weird, like who calls it the space news? That seems... I'm into Star Wars. I am pretty dumb. Okay, all right. The space news. Gotta keep up with the space news. Where do you get your space news from? Shit, dude. TikTok? Fuck yeah, dude. Absolutely. TikTok all the way, dude.

Hell yeah. So you're a big Star Wars fan. I am. That's why you have that Luke Skywalker haircut. I love it. Absolutely. You have a, did you have a dad in your life? I did. Yeah, he's good. I still do. Right. Yeah. He actually just started getting into gaming recently. Okay. And it's nice because my mom always used to get fucking pissed at me and now she's yelling like, dad, get down to dinner. And he's like, one second. Like I'm in a multiplayer lobby.

Your mom doesn't play games at all? No, she does not. You think that if she knew that some of the controllers vibrate that she might? I think so, yeah. Right, because your mom's a horny bitch? I once... Did you know that? Did you know that? Did you know that, Tim? Did you know that about your mom? No. Did you know she's a horny bitch? No. I think you did. I think you did, Tim. I think you had a little bit of an idea. Okay. Okay.

So how old are you? I'm 25. 25 years old. Been doing it seriously for three months. What else are you up to? What are 25-year-old stoner fucking nerd dorks up to? I was doing like trail work. So I was living all around the US. Did that for two years. Trail work? Yeah. What do you mean by that? So just like...

swinging like tools at the ground just making trails you made trails yeah like prison labor you know but but you did it just on your own dude yeah so you're just ruining parks yeah no no they love us they love us who's us the the trail workers the trail makers yeah workers but you weren't really working what were you getting paid not well

But they paid you? Yeah. Okay. Where were you making trails at? Mammoth Caves, Kentucky, Florida. Speaking of Mammoth Caves, how's your mom's vagina? You know what I'm saying? What's up, dude? Fuck yeah, horny bitch.

I normally don't make fun of people's moms like this, but there's something about you that makes me want to do it. Go in. You seem like you're easy to bully. I am. I've been bullied for three hours straight in the lobby. What have they been saying to you? They've been like, I'm going to rape you. Wow. This is what it's like if you listeners around the world have ever wondered, what's it like waiting and hoping to get pulled out of Killtonia's...

People built like Hank saying, I'm going to rape you. Do you keep them in a jail cell? Why is there so much rape? Wow, yeah. It is a fucking, you know, it's one of my productions. So, I mean, bug rape comes along. Oh, this guy's got to go jerk off real quick. Look at this guy. All this talk about bug rape. Anyway, what would we be surprised to know about you, Tim Harris? I got one ball. Whoa.

Gross. Look at that. Wow, the biggest applause break you got here today. I'll take it. I'll take what I can get. How did you end up with one ball? It just got twisted. It got twisted when I was young.

Wow. Yeah. Were you sleeping? Were you doing an athletic thing? No, I was a baby. It was just like... You were a baby? Yeah, I was a baby. Like a true baby? Like a true baby. Like an infant? I just had two big balls. Like, yeah. I was a little baby. Yeah, like an infant. Less than six months. Wow. And I was still a sperm donor. What do you mean? One ball. You're a sperm donor? Yeah. How often do you do that? Dude, I'm retired now. They retired me.

They put your number up on the ceiling and lower it? Number one for how many balls you have? No, they did. I did it for like a year and then one day I came in and they were like, we have enough. Yeah. They're like, you're high as shit and you have one ball, you fucking weirdo. Get out of here. You broke fuck.

Hell yeah. Okay, what's your love life like? You swinging that fucking ball around, dude? You out there fucking making trails, dude? You out there fucking working the kennel, dude? Fucking making those dogs bark? The most action I've gotten was getting threatened to be raped. Pretty recently. Look at that.

You live in Austin? I do, yeah. Right. How long have you lived here? I moved in August. Okay, so you haven't been with a girl since moving here. No, I hooked up with a girl about a month ago. Okay, what happened there? I...

I came over. One of the first things I told her, I told her I wanted to be a stand-up comedian and she laughed in my face. So that was refreshing. - Everyone's pulling. - Yeah, I hit it. - What? - Everyone's pulling him, like the women, like every single person. - Yeah, you let her fucking talk to you like that, dude? - Dude, I'm a bitch, Tony. - Leave it to you to drop the ball. - Got me. Fuck, dude.

Okay. So, all right. Interesting. Very interesting. What scares you, Tim Harris? Bees. Ooh, very fast answer there. Yeah. Absolutely. What happens? Were you like the kid from, what's that Macaulay Culkin movie? Go Girl? My Girl. My Girl.

I don't know what happened in that movie. You young bitch. Yeah. It's legendary, dude. Macaulay Culkin got stung by bees and died. Oh, shit. That's like my worst nightmare. So, no, I stepped on a ground hornet nest. Oh, there it is. Look out. All right. Interesting. So what do you think is going to happen here with the stand-up comedy stuff?

What's the goal? The goal, honestly, right now is just to get paid for a show at some point. I don't feel good about the time that I've spent doing it, but I'd like to go ahead of that. Right. Well, you've started. It takes a fucking... It takes a lot of ball to... But you got the ball rolling, so it's very good for you. Excited for New Year's Eve to drop the ball again? Yeah.

Yeah, I'll have my fingers crossed. It was. It was a ball-dropping performance here tonight. Here is, much like your ball sack, a tiny, tiny joke book. There you go. Tim Harris, everybody. Thank you. All right. Let's get to that. Let's do one more of these. All right. Make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Back to the bucket from Ivory Jones, everybody. Ivory Jones. Ivory Jones.

Ooh, make some noise for Ivory Jones, everyone. Hey, I'm Ivory Jones, out here looking like a fucking Cypress Hill roadie right now, all right? I know what I fucking look like, y'all. I look like the Hobbit from The Hood, like Bilbo Baggins, but if you only sold weed and mixtapes out the shire, all right? Now, everybody's always telling me, Ivory, you got to wear pants on stage. Real comics wear pants on stage, Ivory.

I'm four foot tall with a 48 inch waist. They don't make this goddamn pant size, okay? Any of y'all out there finds a 4826 for sale, you buy them shits, mail them to me, I'll cash out your ass money. Shit, man, you imagine some Asian sweatshop worker at the end of her shift, that 4826 coming down the line. Who does full? Humpty Dumpty? I'm just trying to tell y'all I'm too tall to be a dwarf. I'm not quite tall enough to be a real person.

I could be the Andre the Giant of midget wrestling tomorrow, though, Tony. All right? Let's fucking go. All right. I agree, James.

Taking the note that we gave Hank. Coming out, a lot of smiles. Seemed like a happy guy. I waited a long time to be here, man. I appreciate it. I love it. I like your style. You put the low in cholo. I'm not really Mexican, but I got a lot of jokes about that because everybody thinks I'm Mexican, bro. How are you not Mexican? I don't fucking know either, bro. You look like you could have gone under the wall. Come on.

Hell yeah, man. Hell yeah. I like it. What are you then? Irish, Italian, Mexican and Texan, sir. Wait, hold on. Seriously, what are you? Irish, Italian and Native American. Yeah. My great-grandmother's full-blood Indian. Right. Right. And then what kind of Irish? How much Irish did your parents... Short, fat people that drink a lot. I don't really know. On my grandfather's side, though, they are Irish. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Okay. For sure. For sure. Short round people. Not seeing it at all whatsoever. I look Mexican, bro. I know. I get it every day. Okay. What type of shit do you shovel for work? Man, I tell you, no one's ever fucking answered it like this, man. I breed reticulated pythons for a living. Rare morphology of such.

Make a full-time career selling snakes on the internet, man. Whoa, you sell snakes on the internet. And hot sauce that I make and grow the peppers for. All from the same bathtub. This is incredible. I sell mini pigs at the back of an El Camino on Saturday sometimes, sir. Out the back of an El Camino and you swear you're not Mexican. I swear to fucking Christ, bro. No.

orange is just pigs for sale. Absolutely incredible. Hell yeah, definitely. Oh yeah. Okay, so how much money do you make selling snakes? Man, you know, on a good year, sixty to seventy thousand dollars is pretty average. Sixteen to sixty to seventy thousand dollars a year is a pretty good average income. It costs a lot to do what I do too. So half of that goes back into feeding, housing, heating, keeping all these guys alive. How many tiny mice do you have in your house?

That was an entire business I ran for a very long time. They kind of priced me out of it. The feed keeps going. Everything keeps fucking going up. To feed the mice. Right, exactly, exactly. So now I sell pigs to supply my rodents for my other animals. Something feeds something all the way down the fucking chain, man. I get the feeling you're eating all of it. Yay!

My smoker stays busy, sir. Absolutely. Louie, what do you think about this? I think your house must smell really bad. I smoke enough weed to keep it fucking under wraps, bro. Does someone live there with you? No, I'm single currently, but I have had people that have lived there with me in the past, absolutely. In the snake zone. In the snake zone, for sure. It's a weird little niche, man, but I made my world in it. Right.

Right. So, my goodness. Do snakes ever bite you? Oh, that's part of the game, bro. For sure. For sure. I almost died in my living room from a snake bite once upon a time, man. From a python. From a very large python. Or just a pie. No, yeah. No, from a very large python that I was being like middleman transporting. It had to be with me for about a week. I was sending it out to its new owner. I had my leg on top of this box it was going into, and it was bigger than the box. So, when it flexed,

I went in the box with it. It came out with me, and its whole bottom jaw had the back in. It looks like a bear got me in the back of my knees. Oh, yeah, it does. You know what I mean? Is that fat? Yeah, that is fat. That was all just flopping out of there, bro. It was rough. 137 stitches, man. I had to tie a hoodie tourniquet around it. We tried to super glue it back in my living room because I don't do doctors, bro. The old hoodie tourniquet known as a lockbox.

lot of Irish people end up with a hoodie tourniquet. It's a miracle. I'm alive, bro. I like it. How old are you? Thirty eight years old man. Okay, we're close to death. Yeah, well, I guess we are, sir. Oh no, I was talking about you for sure. For thirty eight years old. Where do you live? Elmo, Texas man, which is like forty five minutes east of Dallas. I work the D of W comedy scene though.

Okay. Absolutely. All right. So you're selling snakes. Very interesting. And hot sauce and pigs. What else do you need? How do you make the hot sauce? I grow all the hottest peppers in the world, and they're the top nine. So we're into that excessive heat stuff. And there's a really weird niche market for that, too. Those really excessive hot peppers bring high-end dollar amounts, man. Ten peppers on the internet go for like $20, bro. How much do you make a year doing that?

Probably another 20 grand or so a year just hustling hot sauce. Another 20 grand and what was the third job you have? Selling pigs and farm animals as well. And how much do you make a year selling pigs? 10, 15 grand a year maybe. So you're about 100 grand a year just fucking hustling. That's about what I do, man. Wow, look at that. What do you like to spend some of this money on? Oh.

You know, it's crazy. I just put it all back into my businesses. Honestly, I never spend a dollar hardly on anything other than rolling my other business and continue to grow everything. It all started in a 10 by 10 bedroom with some snakes, and now I own a farm kind of so like it just keeps kind of snowballing man. Oh, look at that. The Texas economy, the booming Texas economy respects that the American dream. Hell yeah, hot sauce, right? Or the Mexican dream? The Mexican dream.

Right. Okay. So what else would we be surprised to know about you, Ivory? Jane? Oh, man. Ivory Jones, man. I've had a pretty wild-ass life, man. I was a rapper for a while, man. Really? You were a rapper? I know. It's crazy, dude. Oh, shit. The Notorious P.I.G. Y'all just had Michael White on the other day. He's an old friend of mine that I knew from the rap game, and now we kind of re-met each other through this stuff, so...

You're the spaghetti guy. Wait, wait, hold on. Stop, stop, stop. I've known the spaghetti guy 10 years. Stop, stop. Shut the fuck up, Irie. I'm so sorry.

What do you how do you know the spaghetti guy through the DFW used to have a battle league group there and he was like the king of battle league. Did you ever go against him? No, no, no, no, no. I was never a battle leaguer. I just kind of roll with those guys. I made music in the same realm. All right, ask for a beat. We want to hear you rap. You guys want to hear this fucking guy rap? I've rapped with team madness. Okay, no one cares. Fucking rap now, you retard. Let's do it. I've done it before. Hell yeah.

Here we go. Yeah, here we go indeed. Ivory Jones, everybody.

I didn't understand a single fucking word. Anybody can do that. Yeah, man. Yeah, man.

Slow it down. We want to hear what the fuck you're saying. This is a show for wordsmiths. So now we're going to really slow it down even more. Okay. Slower. There we go. Let's see if you really got it. Bring the thunder, get lost in the storm. No, louder. Fucking project. Bring the thunder, get lost in the storm. A day in my life is like watching a porn. It's been this way since the day I was born.

It's only got worse since I started up tour. Blunt in the morning, that's just the norm. Purple pouring till we store it. Turn your girlfriend into a whore and then we out. Talking to bum in my dick in the mouth. Licking a trout. Okay, stop. Digging around. Stop. Stop. Not bad. Not bad.

Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. I like your style, Ivor. You have a real good attitude. Louie? Yeah, you definitely like M&Ms. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. You ate mile. Yeah.

Hell yeah. Goodness. Hell yeah. My goodness gracious. That is absolutely unbelievable, Ivy. You're such an interesting character. Yeah, there's only one, bro. That is true. That is true. I've never seen a 4628 before in my life or whatever it was. Yes, sir. I like your style, man. Welcome to the show. Here's a big joke book. There you go. Ivy Jones, everybody. All right. All right.

Got a special treat for y'all. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. An absolute fucking phenom. A sensation, if you will. This is a brand new minute from the one and the only Cam Patterson, everybody. Hell yeah. So I'm living my dream right now, man. This shit, the best shit ever happened to me.

I'm doing a lot of shit I wish I could have did as a kid. Like I almost got to be able to fuck a porn star a couple days ago. I didn't and I blame Uncle Lazer fully for that bullshit. We was in LA and there were three porn stars came to the show and they wanted to fuck like immediately. They was like, "We gonna suck y'all dicks long we get back to the house." So all you had to do was get the bitches back to the house. That's it. All you had to do was get the bitches back to the house.

I was finna get the condoms and the liquor, and then I was gonna get the bitches at the house, right? We get to the house, and Uncle Lazer there is there with no bitches. No hoes at all. It's Uncle Lazer in a deep-ass voice, and Dick Hark, he probably exited for no reason.

So now he's just ready to fuck something. He just hard as shit, three niggas. It's me, him, and three other dudes around, right? No bitches. So I see the bitches drive off, and I'm naive. I'm a young guy. I said, oh, shit. Are they finna go park? He was like, no, they're leaving. They're getting out of here. And I'm like, why are they leaving? And he went, well, the porn star, we was in the car. We was kissing. That's crazy. This bitch suck dick for a living. That's insane, right?

Like, we was in the car and we was kissing, we was kissing a lot and stuff like that. You know what I'm saying? And out of nowhere, she got a text from her dad and he said that he was finna kill himself. And her whole demeanor changed. And I want to tell y'all something, man. I hope that nigga is dead. I hope he is fucking dead, dawg. That's my time.

I love it. I fucking love it. That story originally came out in one of the interviews that we did, which I love to see you turning that into actual material. Incredible. How about another hand for the great Cam Patterson? Rocking the vintage Cowboys starter jacket. That thing is one of a kind.

I mean, how the fucking zipper is still on that thing. That's like priceless. This shit ripped on the inside for real like a motherfucker. Of course, it would have to be. I mean, they only made those in the fucking very early 90s, right? I'm pretty sure Jolly is up there trying to buy it from me or steal it, whatever he trying to do. Right, steal it. Let me hold that bit for a second. I wear that size too. Yeah. I can fit that size like a motherfucker. Ha, ha, ha.

Did you have a starter jacket in the early 90s? Of course. The Raiders? Multiple starter jackets. Buckeyes. Yeah, I was a Dolphins fan growing up. Me too. Yeah. I want to get a magic one. If anybody got a magic one, you want to send me. You know what I'm saying? Fuck with the nigga. Where the camera at? I have no idea what you just said. I understood more of Ivory Jones' first rap than I understood of what you just said. That nigga wasn't even saying words, bud.

That's crazy.

That's what I heard, too. Would you say we should get matching starter jackets? We should get matching starter jackets. That'd be hard. I like that idea. Yeah, yeah. Gang violence. That shit'd be hard. Yeah, yeah. Gang violence. Absolutely. What else is going on in your world, Cam Patterson? No, you know, just right minutes, trying to, you know what I'm saying, get it done. I'm, uh, that's about it, though. Trying to stay on top of shit, you know what I'm saying? Yep. A lot of pressure, so we got to keep, you know what I'm saying, going. It is a lot of pressure. A lot of eyes watching, a lot of judgmental fucks out there. Yeah, yeah, fuck them. We'll kill them later. Absolutely. You know what I'm saying?

We'll kill them niggas later, dog. Why'd you look right at me when you said that? I don't know why you looked right in my eyes and said that. I like you, Lou. You a good nigga, huh, man? Hell yeah. You a good nigga. I love you, dog. We locked in. But the other niggas, they can die. You know what I mean? We can kill them. Yeah, we'll kill them. We're going to kill them together as a team, right? Me and you, Lou. Hell yeah. You just agreed to killing the other N-words? Damn, Lou, you racist.

What the fuck are you agreeing to? It sounds like a fun thing we could do together. You're not wrong. It's going to be fun. We're going to have a good time. That's the way to get people to watch your special. Get canceled. Worked for you. Hell yeah, it did. Big time. So I love it, Cam. Where did you get that jacket from? It was in Milwaukee. And they had like a little thrift shop in the back of one of the shitty shows I went to. And I was like, oh hell yeah, I'm going to cop this shit. It was like $40. Yeah, you stole it.

You looted it? No, it was like $40. Right. It was. It was, and I wore it out. It would have been $40 if you would have bought it. That's the tag that you had to rip off, said $40. I just wore it out. I been had this shit. We talking about stupid, dumbass. I came in with this goddamn jacket, dummy. I love it. So much fun, Cam, as always. Now, you talked about...

Like we talked about in the interview before, you talked about this. So you were making out with a porn star. No, no, no. I was not making out with a porn star. No, I don't kiss porn stars. Who was making out with a porn star? Uncle Lazer was kissing a porn star. Right, right. In the backseat of a car with other porn stars. That's what he was doing. Right. He fucked up the mission. It's amazing because Uncle Lazer...

asked to be on this show and then I caught up with you guys in the green room for a second and you said is it cool if we go back to back so we're about to catch Uncle Lazer and then we're going to ask him about this and then can you come back out during his interview? Louie, anything else for Cam? It just sounds like Uncle Lazer really let you down and if you can't depend on a guy named Uncle Lazer, who can you depend on? That is true. That's what I said, man. Yep.

Okay, how about one more time for the great Cam Patterson, everybody? And like that, I think you know what's coming next. Back to back. Let's find out the other side of the story here as I present to you another new minute from Kill Tony friend of the show, Uncle Laser, everybody. Here he is.

Oh, shit. Oh, he's putting a zen in. Uh-oh. Very serious. Very Big Hank energies out here. - First off, Cam's the mother-- - One more time, Bronco Laser, everybody. One more time, Bronco Laser. Cam's motherfucking lying, first off. But I'll do my joke first here. Listen, I just saw my ex-girlfriend, Kim Musch, who took her out to the Olive Garden, right? She said, "Come out. I'm better now." That was a trap. She had no way out, right?

She said, "She's into this new hobby, domestic violence." She assaulted me with her eggplant parm in the middle of that fucking restaurant and then called me the N-word. Yeah, aggressive. Yeah, that's what I said too, right? My wiener's not that big. And my credit score's good, you know what I'm saying? Relax, right? But domestic violence is a weird thing. Look, I know I look like I hit women, but I don't. You can't hit 'em, they fall weird.

They fall like newborn deer, you know what I'm saying? And there's no winner for a man in domestic violence now, right? You hit a woman, you're going to jail. But if you get taken advantage of in that fucking Olive Garden, you're a faggot. She got a pussy like a snapping turtle. So did I learn my lesson? No. Am I gonna see her again? Probably. She jerked me off in the shower with a rubber glove.

Behind, like a stranger. You ever jerked off that frog in the science project? That's what I'm talking about. I'm Uncle Lazer. Thank y'all so much. There you go. Why the rubber glove? Very interesting. It's really not a rubber glove. She had one of them exfoliating gloves like women do on their skin and shit, and she put a little lotion on that and just beat me off from behind like a stranger would. It was fucking incredible. Is that true?

No, I wish I was telling jokes. I'm just telling stories, man. Okay, Uncle Laser. Louie? That would fuck up your dick. Yeah, that would hurt. I used to jerk off with Anna Freeze so it'd last longer. You had an auntie named Freeze? Slam! I love how people keep reacting to my jokes. Slam! You got it. He got me.

It's not the same.

You would prefer it with the exfoliating hand mitt? It's like a pot mitt kind of, right? Yeah, it's like a construction worker. So it's like a glove. The fingers go in the glove. It's a whole ass glove you put on your hand, Tony, yes. I'm asking you though, is it like a mitten or is it like a finger? You don't know the exfoliating glove? Exfoliating? I don't know that word. You know what I'm fucking talking about. Exfoliating. Exfoliating, yeah, with an F. Yeah.

Ex-poly-ate and glove. Ex-poly-ate. So are her fingers in each individual finger, or is it like... Well, she's got two of them on, right? One jerking me, and the other one, she picks me up like a bowling ball from the asshole. All right, all right. Whoa, relax. Here he goes. He's lasering up, folks. He's lasering up. Lasering up. Oh, to your left. To your left. Go back. Okay, go back. Okay. There you go. There it is, Red Band. Okay.

Worth it. Wouldn't be able to do it without you, Red Band. Always on the ball. But those gloves and mittens, they're rough. They hurt. Why would you even think that would be good? You like what you like. Relax, guys. I've been beating off since nine. You know what I'm saying? I'm tethered. A lot of shocking things in your set, I noticed. Do you have a good credit score? No.

I did. I'm about to file for bankruptcy and kill myself. But yes, I used to have a good credit score. How did you used to? What happened? Well, I was an old filfer. I made a lot of money. I had a house. I paid my bills on time. And now... Now what? You know, hey. I'm here. Right. And you're really thinking about filing bankruptcy? No, no, no. Just scrubbing it all the way like an exfoliating handcloth? It's not... Just go home and do it.

Then we'll circle back to this. You're welcome, buddy. No way. No fucking way. Your dick's fucked up, dude. It's got a big vein in the middle of it. It looks like a ribbed condom all the time.

D Madness knows what I'm talking about. I heard him back there. I know him. Come on, dude. I know you got a big old hog back there. You're throwing poles. There's no doubt about it. That's why you play bass, baby. We all know D Madness as a fucking absolute goddamn fucking... He's smuggling something. Oh, dude. He don't put his bass in his case. He carries his dick around in it. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. 100%. He carries his dick in his... Can we get in this Cam shit? Because Cam's lying. All right. He's lying, dude. Okay, the coke is kicking in. No. Uncle Egg...

Can we do this shit already? Come on, I got something in my head I want to do. Can we bring out that goddamn exfoliator? Cam, get my exfoliator. Make some noise for Cam Patterson. Here he is, everybody. He knows how to take his time. He's a show business master. Look at this. Oh, that's what the seat was for. All right, first off, let me put this in perspective for y'all. Cam, is that mic on? Touchdown. Okay, sweet. Put it into perfective for us. Come on, put it into perfective.

Come on, let me just put it in this perspective. Come on, here we go. I'm gonna dirt deck them. Come on, a little bit of that. They took my exfoliating gloves to TSA. And look, I get out to L.A., Cam's like, come on, we're doing Hollywood improvs. Enough TSA. Let's talk BET. Cam's out here. Let's go. Get to your story. Damn, Tony, you're singing them, baby! Wow, who would have guessed? Uh...

Nah, but we get out to L.A., right, and we do the Hollywood Improv and shit, and the second night, Cam's like, yo, I got these, like, four porn stars here. And I'm like, all right, bet. You know what I'm saying? I'm a good woman. No big deal. And Cam's on stage. Like, Tim and I come out of the bathroom. They're, like, sitting at the bar. Like, oh, come up to us. Take your time. Jesus Christ. What the? Fucking enunciate, you goddamn trash ball.

Jesus Christ. We need to hear the story for it to be effective. All right, so I'm sitting at the bar with these porn stars. There you go. And we're hanging out. We take a couple shots. Look, I'm a good wingman. Like, I'm good at this shit. I've been doing it. And I was like, let's go. Like, I want to see LA a little bit. Let's go to the fucking comedy store and shit. Cam's like, no, we're going to the house, the Airbnb, right now. I've never heard Cam talk like that before. All right, but you ain't never seen him press with porn stars, press them against the wall. And he said, I'm kissing him in the truck. And I was, right? Yeah.

That's crazy. No, but you were fucking balls deep in that bitch with them fucking little bullshit fingers you got, dude. Oh, shit. That's why your knuckles all fucked up. Show the camera, dude. Oh, shit. You know what I'm saying, dude? That's not ash. That's ass. No, that's ass. That's ass that won't wash off. You know what I'm talking about?

And so, look, I was like, Cam, look, we're going to need liquor and we're going to need condoms. And I don't ever wear condoms now, but I know we probably should, right? So, Cam, go get the condoms and the liquor. Who needs condoms when you're exfoliating your dick all the time? It's for them, not me. Your dick is indestructible, nigga. It's all starting to make sense now.

And so he goes and gets that, and I ride back with him. And look, me and old girl, yeah, we're in front seat making out. Look, I mean, it's a great old time, right? We pull up to the house. In about three minutes, pull up to the house. I seen her on her phone typing a fucking paragraph. I go, that can't be good, right? And then we get there. We park. I said, all right, let's ride up here. She's like, guys, and granted, they drove two hours to come to this show. So they're not right down the road. And she's like, I don't want to be here anymore. My dad just texted me. He said he's about to commit suicide.

And everybody goes, "Oh." - Right. - And I look at the other girls, I'm like, "Well, y'all's daddy ain't gonna commit suicide. "Y'all wanna come in? "Like, what's up?" You know? So then they're like, "No, we gotta go." And I'm like, "Thanks for the ride home." You know? And I'm walking up and I'm like, "I gotta tell Cam and all his partners "what just went down. "They're gonna think I did this, all right?"

Now look, these women are porn stars. They're not Academy Award winning actresses. They didn't plan this, all right? She genuinely had disbelief on her face and her friends were being good friends. But I walk up to Cam and tell him the situation. He goes...

"Man, fuck that motherfucker, man." You know, like when black people get mad, they throw their hands down, they walk away, and then they're like, "Fuck that motherfucker, man. I hope he dies," right? And I didn't take ecstasy, I took a Cialis, bro, 'cause I was like, "Crap, did you say Cialis?" I thought you said ecstasy. But yeah, dude. But then she gave him a shirt.

the next day and I just got to ride home. So, I mean, who won here? You know what I'm saying? Nobody, nigga. We didn't fuck porn stars. We lost. We all lost. Don't blame that on me. So you had pre-taken a Cialis. So you are basically, what are you guys, riding home together and your heart is a rock?

I always take one. I take one every day when I work out and stuff. You get a great pump. You know what I'm saying? So, like, I got that thing on me. You know what I'm saying? But, like, yeah, I took it just because what if? You know? I felt like it was a pretty win-win. Louis? Did you try and comfort her with a boner? Because that doesn't work if you're just rubbing your

No, I was just jerking off in the backseat, just waiting in there. Do you think her dad was going to kill himself because he accidentally jacked off to her porn? No, you know what I think it was? I think it was... He wasn't worried about the three black guys that were going to gangbang her, dude. He was more worried about...

Her fucking Uncle Lazer. That's what it was. That's what it was. Right. Sure. Sure it was. You didn't try any pickup lines with your boner, though? You weren't like, man, I'm as stiff as your dad's going to be in a few hours. Yeah.

I can picture you doing some real creepy, dirty talk. Yeah, I'm just like, look. All it's going to take is one shot to my head for this not to take on the whole world. I mean, at the end of it. The ad might kill himself, but I'm going to kill that pussy. At the end of it, I was just like, look, it's already hard. It's not going to exfoliate itself. You know what I'm saying? Cam? He was just eating pizza with a hard dick. Sad. Hey, no, hold on now. Hold on now. It's hard to have...

is in the room. We could eat sad as fuck, dog. It was sad, bro. You know what was sad? Anybody order extra sausage? No, no, no, no. You know what was sad? This motherfucker gets pepperoni and olives, extra olives. Black olives. That's a tasty treat. That shit tastes like Chernobyl. That shit was terrible.

That shit was... Cam, that's why they didn't come. They didn't use all these bullshit-ass fucking pizzas, man. That's the pizza I get when I'm sad. That's my sad pizza. That's your sad pizza? Hey, that's my hard pizza, dude. That's what I'm hard rockin' me, dude. Pepperoni and olive.

The old sad pizza. But anyways, if they ever come back to Austin. What? No, I mean, they might be coming back to Austin. I think they're coming soon. I know. Do you remember their porn names? Yeah, Ava Stone. Yeah. Ava Stone. Let's look this up. Red Band's already on it. He's better than me. Who would have got that? That's her. Tony. No, not that. That's her. That's her. Tony, that's her. That's her.

That's her. That wasn't planned either. That's her. What are you talking about? Everybody relax. Cam, you're about to... That's Michael Jordan. What is that? That's really... Oh my God. Wait a second. How planned was it? This wasn't planned. You're wearing a porn star shirt underneath a Michael Jordan shirt? She sent it to him. She sent it to you? Is she like a fan of the show or something? Yeah, she's a fan of the show. We can all fuck up!

That's crazy. Red band, you suck. That's her sucking a dick. That's her.

Wait, that's her right there? Yeah, that's her, bro. Oh, Jesus. Look, her knees are all beat up. Oh, Jesus Christ. That could have been you, Cam. Holy shit. Wait a second. Is that a pepperoni and olive pizza in the background? God, I wish we could show that. That's incredible. He fucked it up. I didn't do that, man. It looks like Cam would be a real front runner here.

And she was on you that night? Dude, so bad. Which one were you going to end up with? I don't remember her name. Bella Blue or some shit. Bella Storm or some shit. Ooh, Bella something. Let's look up. I actually have it on my phone. I looked her up because I was very sad that she left. But it's been a while back, so...

Let's not do that. An actual storm named Bella came up that's hitting Florida right now. That's not even a joke. Is that it? Oh, yeah. That's it. Yeah, maybe. Okay. All right. We just got to get through this ad real quick. Just skipping five, four, three, two, one.

Do you want real girls in your area? Proof Redman actually doesn't have a membership to all these things like we thought. They're huge. Oh, theyarehuge.com. Okay. Stop playing your fucking guitar for a second. That's not her. Okay. Wait, that's not her? That's not her. Who is that? How do you guys know? It's just the back of her head. Oh, because you saw her leaving. That's all you know is the back of her head.

Absolutely incredible. You boys are out of control, but I really like you two together. There's a lot of chemistry with fucking Cam and fucking Uncle Razor. Extremely white meets extremely black in a battle of the titans. No gray area to be found. I wonder if her dad died, though. Oh, that nigga is dead. You saw it in the papers? That nigga, man.

Well, it looks like she was buried under six feet in one of these videos, so it looks like the apple doesn't fall far from the fucking tree. We dodged a bullet, though. No, we didn't. I wanted to get shot by that bullet. I wanted that bullet to shoot me. I wanted that bullet. I feel like these porn stars had the same talk on their sad drive home. I bet they think they dodged a bullet. What are you talking about, man? I'm a Tinder lover. Okay. Okay.

All right. You guys are great. Fantastic stuff. Cam Patterson and Uncle Laser, everybody. Uncle Laser and Cousin Cam. The real rabble rousers. All right. Okay. Another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there? It's fun being at Kill Tony Live, isn't it?

Half-ass audience. Make some noise for your next bucket bowl. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Spencer Franco, everybody. Here we go. Spencer Franco. We're going to meet him all together. One more time for Spencer, everybody. What's up, Austin? It's great to be here on the low-budget version of American Idol for comics. I, uh...

Sorry, we're just talking out here. I, like many of the comics you've seen here tonight, decided to go into comedy in the mental health wing of a hospital. And while I was there, it was a lot of fun. I had a blast. I formed a band with my fellow inmates. I mean patients. We formed a band, called ourselves the Looney Tunes. We're just getting silly, don't worry. And it was great. It was great, except it might have lengthened our stay there because we would practice.

but we didn't have any instruments. So we'd just be like, "Mark, I'm getting too much reverb. Turn it down, bud." Psychiatrist walks in. There's no one here named Mark. More lithium. All right. - Yeah, dude. Low budget fucking show, huh?

And zero laughs for a minute. You diss the show and then just absolutely flatline for an entire minute. Worst set of the night here on the low-budget American Idol for comedians. Incredible. Louie? Hey, I gotta get my YouTube shorts on now. Hey, I gotta get my... Shut the fuck up.

Consider me the Simon Cowell of this low budget American Idol for comics. You piece of shit. Louie Katz. Yeah, that's a no for me, dog. I love it. Let's talk about it, Spencer. Absolutely horribly god-awful. How long you been doing stand-up comedy?

A month. A month? All of it here in Austin? Is this where you're from? No, I'm from Baltimore, Maryland. Okay, so you're just visiting? Yeah. For how long? Tonight. When did you get here? Not tonight. Good one, though. I got here yesterday. What just happened? Someone in the back said, tonight. Oh. Okay, you heard that because it's so silent when you're on stage. It's incredible. It's incredible.

So when did you get here? Easy question. Let's try again. When did you get here? I got here Sunday. Okay. It's hard because I got to Texas on Saturday. Okay. And then I'm stupid as fuck. All right. When do you leave? Tonight. Don't worry. Yeah. You leave tonight? For where? Where are you going tonight? Are you getting a red eye out of Austin, direct to Baltimore? No, I'm just...

Driving as far away from this embarrassment as I can. - Aww. - That's good. - Come on. It was fucking unbelievably great what you did here tonight. Why would you be so ashamed of yourself? What made you sign up for this show a month in with absolutely no talent whatsoever? - 'Cause I used to be a big fan, you know? - You used to be, I like it.

I like it. Absolutely. What do you think it's going to be like watching the show now, knowing that on this night, on this episode, people are going to say Spencer didn't do that great. He blew it. It's going to be like I'm finally understanding my father with how disappointed it is. Is your father really disappointed in you? Maybe. I don't know. What do you mean maybe you don't know? I mean, I don't talk to him that much.

Okay. So yes. Does he not talk to you? Is it his choice or your choice? Mutual. Yeah. Well, if he sees this, he might try to kill himself, which basically makes you a porn star from what I understand. It's great. Spencer, what's interesting about you? You're supposedly a former fan of the show, so you've seen it before. You know how this interview portion works. Yeah. What about you, Spencer? Yeah.

Where do you fit in to the historical interviews that have happened on this show? What's interesting about you? I've worked with kids with autism for the last four years. Yeah, I've worked with a kid with autism for two and a half years, Hans Kim.

Okay, so you drove here from Baltimore. I drove here from Salt Lake City, Utah. You flew into Salt Lake City. I lived in Salt Lake City for the last three years, and I just recently bought a place outside of Baltimore again. That's where I grew up. And then I moved to Salt Lake, didn't like it, so I'm moving back. Why don't you like Salt Lake? Um, it's...

You know how Austin is like weird? Guys, can you please stop yelling shit at this retard that's on stage? Literally, he can't help but to repeat back everything he hears because he has zero performance ability whatsoever. Yeah. That's just low-budget American Idol talk I'm doing here. You know what I mean? I know. I love it, dude. Don't worry. Yeah, no, it's good. Austin's weird in like a fun artistic way. Utah's weird in a fun autistic way. You know? Like...

Obviously, you know, basically me. So is stand-up something that you really want to do? It was, for sure. You're saying that after this, it's over? You might retire? No, no, of course not. I'm not giving up. Of course. But yeah, I love performing in general. I did a lot of improv comedy. You did? Yeah. A lot? Yeah. Okay, what can you improvise right now for us? I did...

I used to do improvised music. Do it! Okay, like what? What would you do in the music? Can you explain to me what you would do when you say you'd improvise music? What does that mean? It means I'd ask people for a suggestion. And then you would sing a song about that suggestion? And then I usually have musicians with me. They would do that. Okay, perfect. Ask for a suggestion. Yes, sir. Any suggestions? Improv? What? Santa Claus. Santa Claus? Hamas? Hamas.

Hamas and Santa Claus. Hamas and Santa Claus. Hamas and Santa Claus. Let's figure it out. Hit that real quick. This is indeed low-budget American Idol improv live on Kill Tony. One of the great bombing sets of the night, and he's going to bring it all together by spontaneously making a song about Hamas and Santa Claus. This...

It is Kill Tony American Idol, low budget edition, live from Austin, Texas. It's a long intro song. Oh, here it comes. And here we go. It's Spencer Franco, everybody. ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ I'm thinking Saint Nick ♪ ♪ He's really slick ♪

He looks good and bad and baby gets me dead But if there's one thing on my Christmas list Is that he'd go meet Moss at being bliss Flying with him, Moss, making them so gleeful

♪ Flying with Hamas, it'll bomb worse than this ♪ ♪ And we'll ♪ ♪ Flying with us and they will be so much fun ♪ ♪ Israel is ready 'cause the Christians have won ♪ ♪ Thank you, Baba ♪ ♪ Thank you, Saint James ♪ ♪ That's the one present I needed from you, Baba ♪ ♪ Don't worry, I'll keep Mrs. Claus nice and warm ♪

Hanukkah's done but we still got that fire going. Oh, and with Hamas, cause when it's all done.

Here, Uncle Tony, we have lots of fun. Wow. That's amazing. Wow. Look at that. You really fucking turned it around, buddy. You got a little something in there. A little fucking brain in there, deep. Obviously a lot more comfortable than improv. Only a month into stand-up. There's a little fucking something in there. Congratulations. Here's a little joke book.

That was a great ending. You fucking turned it around. I saved your ass. I put you in position to win. Get the fuck out of here. Spencer Franco. This guy's got to go jerk off real quick. This is all I say every time somebody goes to the bathroom. She's got to jerk off. He's got to jerk off. All right. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Anything can happen, obviously. It's Lexi Esposito, everybody. This looks like a new name.

Here's Lexi Esposito, everyone. Hello. I'm from Florida. We're Ron DeSantis' band, the word gay, but only because he prefers the term faggot instead. So he told me he liked. I love being in Austin. I moved from Orlando. And I love being in Austin because when I walk to my car alone in Austin, I meet great people. They give me free drugs. It's wonderful.

I walk to my car in Orlando, though. I get followed by a black man jacking off. But I wasn't even mad, because I never thought a black man would masturbate to me.

I'm like this little guinea white girl, you know? Huge compliment. I had to get a color TV, though, moving in, just to make sure the neighbors know I'm not racist, hanging up my blackout curtains. So silly. Thank you, guys. Lexi Esposito.

Fun. Welcome to the show. Is this your first time on? My second time. Okay. It's been a couple years. Welcome back. Was this the black guy that was jerking off to you by any chance? I can now see why he would be the one to jerk off to you. That makes sense. It's all coming together now. He's like, look at that big ass bitch over there. Those fat tits and the beautiful face.

I love it. I love it. No, I can relate to you, Lexi, because I, too, am a white, flat-chested lesbian. So this is incredible. You said you were gay. Is that correct? No. I felt like I heard that. Maybe I just like you're just you just exude that energy. What? Ron DeSantis banned the word gay. Ron DeSantis what? Banned the word gay from Florida. Did he? Like the use of it. Did he? Yeah. Did he really, though?

I mean, no. You watch MSNBC? Is that what happened? You catching the mainstream news or something? But I could. Right. But you know we didn't really do that. No. Right, because you can't do that.

Okay. All right. Okey dokey. So Lexi, you moved from Orlando to Austin. Yeah. When did you do that? Two months ago, three months ago. Two months ago. How long have you been doing standup? This is my sixth time. Your sixth time ever in your life? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Wow. Where else have you done it? Just a bunch of open mics? I wanted to start here. So yeah.

I'm getting out when I can because I work nights. Was your first time on the show? It was. I had no idea I was going to do stand-up. How did that go? Remind me. It was terrible because I was so high. I had an out-of-body experience. I had the mic out here. Okay. All right. Dee, you're throwing people off a little bit, Dee. All right. He's asking his own separate questions, everybody.

I love it. Okay, so Lexi, let's talk about it. What did we talk about on your last interview? What did I find out about you that was interesting that people might remember you by at all? You are absolutely unmemorable. I know. No one remembers you. Well, you said I was too nice to do comedy.

What? You said I was too nice to do comedy. I said that? Yeah. I still think that. I know, but I just want to keep doing it. Okay, no, I love it. I'm just kidding. No one is too nice to do comedy. Okay, what else did I say that stood out to you? You remember anything else?

No is a fine answer as well. No. Okay. So tell us, what could we have talked about? Have you thought about that interview since then about your life that would be interesting to people? I do. I sing. I love music. You do? I do. You sing. What type of things do you sing? Well, go-to is what's up for non-blondes. Oh, so you do karaoke. I mean, that's when I can only get out. Yeah.

That's what you mean you can get out. Yeah. Right. Okay. You guys know that one? Yeah. One, two, one, two, three, four. Oh, wow. Right into it. That's enough. People love her, but... Hell yeah. I think we have another lesbian here in the front. Yeah.

Oh, shit. Look at this fucking guy. Sorry, sir. What? All right. Okay. Here we are with fucking female Waldo over here. So, Lexi, what else about you? What do you do for fun? What are some things that would surprise us about you? I walk my dog. I feel like your dog walks you. She does. Right. Absolutely. You're a beta. Yeah.

You're a beta bitch. Beta bitch, baby. Hell yeah. So your dog walks, you, what else? Oh, listen to music. I'm trying to... I just work. What do you do for work? I do room service at a hotel down here. Okay. Like, hello, here's your thing. So nice talking with you. Okay, do you get good tips doing that? You ever see anything weird? No, I just...

I have to take the beating of like, oh my god, sorry I didn't get your dark chocolate covered strawberries, you know? Right. Just picky people. Uh-huh. People that want what they ordered. They paid for it. Yeah. Paid a lot of money for it. Chocolate covered strawberries at the hotel have to be at least $20, right?

Yeah. Fucking yes. I know for a fact because I live that type of baller lifestyle so I actually know that was a trick question. I get chocolate covered strawberries at every hotel I stay at.

That's good. Hell yeah. The boys insist on it. Absolutely. 100%. I put one in my ass and have my buddies use exfoliating gloves on my hard throbbing cock. Anyway. Nice and dark. All right, Lexi. You got a little joke book last time you were on? I did. Well, there you go. Thank you. I appreciate your time. Absolutely. Adorable. Very sweet. Lexi Esposito, everybody. Thank you.

One of these days. Lexi, let me ask you something. Hold on. Stop, stop, stop. Let me ask you something. Anything traumatizing or terrible ever happen to you in your life? Because you seem so sweet and innocent that I feel like it's going to take... You got a DUI? Yeah. Okay. All right. How drunk were you? 0.09. 0.09. Barely over the legal age. That's legal. Just drunk enough to be like, ooh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I can't believe the most interesting thing about you is not interesting. That is crazy. I mean, there was a pregnant girl. There was a pregnant girl what? In my car, like, while this is all happening for some reason. Uh-huh. Why? Why was there a pregnant girl in your car? I wasn't aware until I picked up. They're like, oh, hey, this girl's coming. She's pregnant. I'm like, oh.

That's weird, but okay. Why were you driving a pregnant woman? What does that mean? Why were you driving a pregnant woman? Were you Ubering people? No, it was just like, you know, when you're in a group of friends and everyone wants to go out, but no one's going to drive. So I drove, and I was told that there was a pregnant girl. There she goes, everybody. Alexia Esposito, everyone. Jesus Christ. I barely got a DUI once.

That's what you need. You need some trauma in your life, Lexi. You need a dead parent or something. Someone kill one of her parents. We're going to change her entire comedy career. All right. Last bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Busco Jones, everybody. Your final bucket pool of the night. Busco Jones, everyone. So they say hindsight's 20-20.

Right? And being 40 now, I can't say anything, but I agree. Because if I would have known at 20 that at 40 I'd be here doing this, still waiting tables, married with children, living in my hometown, I would have taken my drug dealing career so much more seriously. Right? I mean, because selling drugs is easy. It's like the hoeing of being a dude. You know, you don't have a lot to do. Everybody loves drugs. Comedians love drugs. Service industry workers love drugs. Americans, we love fucking drugs. Right?

Why do we love drugs? Same reason we love Mexicans. They fucking work. Highly fucking effective. It's hard to know what to trust these days, but I'm finding myself being really happy and trusting in convenience store branding. Like Buc-ee's, right? It's like a wonderful world of, like, convenient capitalism with its mascot. Quick trip and race track, real quick, real fast. 7-Eleven, you're gonna be waiting 7 to 11 minutes, right? Makes me really want to go to a come-and-go.

I've been Busco Jones. Thank you very much. Busco. Am I saying that right? Yeah, Busco. Okay, so it's Busco. B-U-S-C-O. I've never heard of that name. What is that? It means I look for in Spanish. It's a nickname I got. It means you look what? I look for. It's like the... You look for it or forward? I look... Literally, I mean, Buscar. Now I double don't know what the fuck. You're interrupting him answering a question. He's not.

I'm not. Yeah, he's not saying his own name correctly. Michael is correcting a man saying his first name, a fully grown man. How do you say it, Michael?

Buscar. Busco is the personal, like, I look for. Yo Busco. Yo Busco. I still don't know. Are you saying forward or for it? For it. For. For. Just for. I look for. For. That's so stupid. To search. Oh, Yoni is aggressively answering the question out of nowhere. Is it a Jewish word or something? Why are you so aggressive about this? To search. To search.

It was middle school. It was a nickname. It was a joke. Yeah, it's a nickname. Thank you. D Madness, following up with questions tonight, somebody slipped Adderall into his fucking drink. A lot of fucking talking back here tonight from D Madness during a live podcast. No big deal whatsoever. Doesn't affect anything at all talking throughout a podcast.

but I'll turn a blind eye to it. Anyway, so Buscaro, let's get back to you. Okie dokie. Thank you, D. Thank you so much. We're moving forward starting now. Thank you. So Busco. Yes,

Yes, sir. What do you do for work? I manage a small restaurant. I'm a real estate broker. Okay. That's an interesting combination. Do you sell real estate? Yeah, I've been a broker for 15 years. You do good at it? I've done, yeah. Why do you manage a small restaurant? Long story short, I worked there 15 years ago when my daughter was born. Rolled in there about a year ago. Owner was slammed. She offered me a job on the spot.

Real estate had just kind of changed, slowed down. So I was like, fuck it. I'll do it three nights a week. You know, get a little cardio. I need it. Right. It seems like you're getting high on your own supply there at the restaurant. It's a good imposter. Do you think you eat more than you burn calories at the restaurant? I'm an emotional eater. So yeah, I do stress. Stress eat pizza. What stresses you out? What makes you want to eat a lot? Entitled people that live in neighborhoods that are very wealthy and get mad at their pizza is like seven minutes late.

You serve chocolate covered strawberries at this joint? No, we will for Valentine's, I bet though. I'll suggest that. Yeah, absolutely. I like your voice very much. Thank you. Back into it. Back into the wonderful world.

I've seen many a piece of... I could do that, yes, very easily. Do it. You're already doing it, dude. Thank you. Thank you. Try it. Okay. Very interesting. And how long have you been on stand-up? About five, seven years. Five, seven years. My goodness. Just a hobby. You take it seriously, you think? No, I got kids and shit. No. No.

I see strokes, but balls. All right, whatever. Stop. No, I don't take it too seriously. I enjoy the something to do to get the fuck out of the house. Arr! Arr! Arr!

Okay. What's your love life like? Let's go. You seem completely unfuckable. Very true. Very true. Very true. I'm married. I'm married. Yeah. So it's, it's, we're married. We're very, we're in the night. I've been a wonderful girl. Yeah. All right.

Yeah, she's great. Yeah, she's great. Right. Is she? Yeah, we've been friends forever. Louie, what do you think about this? I like your assassination-themed sweatshirt. Thank you. America's greatest hits. Jesus. Was your 9-11-themed shirt in the wash or what the fuck? I didn't have my Tower 7 one on me. I apologize. I apologize.

Wow. That is incredible. I didn't even notice that. What made you buy that hoodie? I actually had them made. You had that custom made? Yeah. Wow. I'm from Dallas. We kill the president in our city, and it's great. Very interesting. Buscarro.

To search. For a laugh, right? Interesting. You need to search for more punchlines. Thank you, Zorro. For sure. For sure. Um,

Um, man, very, very, very interesting. So what made you want to do this? What makes you want to do stand up? That's a long story short. I was doing really well in real estate about seven years ago. I wanted to get out of the house as I was breaking up or splitting up with my first baby mother. I got into promoting comedy in Dallas because there's a lot of great local comedians that were up there. And that was really how I wanted to start.

I did a festival. A few comedians kind of fucked me over. How did they fuck you over? They just basically took the festival and just took off with it. Right. Because I said mean shit online. We know how that goes. What did you say online? I honestly don't remember because it wasn't anything mean. I was just making jokes I think is funny. And as an unfuckable 40-something-year-old white dude, I don't resonate with the 20-somethings.

Believe me. You don't? Not very easily. They didn't realize I was just fucking with them, and they took it personally. Anyway, since then, I've just kind of been doing it as open mics, just going to open mics and just trying. I had a very bad stage fright. What do you think the funniest thing you've ever done is in your life? In my life? Yeah, in your entire life. I mean, I got some great reviews on Yelp at our restaurant.

I told some people the other day that this isn't Olive Garden. If you want something done real fast, you need to go to fuck there. And they posted a Yelp review. I'm a lot funnier at the restaurant. Yeah, like what have you done at the restaurant? When you're in the moment and somebody's busting your balls about not, they have to catch a flight and you came into a small hole-in-the-wall restaurant with 10 tables and you're being an asshole. What did they say that was like an asshole thing?

That we're going to catch a flight and you are taking too long and you only have so many tables. Why aren't you? Why isn't this happening faster? So how long do you think it took after they ordered their entrees for them to get them? They got the fuck out after right after that because I told him it was going to be about 10 or 15 minutes.

And then they left. And then I told them if they wanted something faster, next time they should go to Olive Garden because if they want fast service, you should go to a fast service place. That's the funniest thing you've ever done in your entire life. No, that's just recently. That's just recently. I was class clown four years in a row.

At a very unfunny high school. A very unfunny small school. Here's a small joke, but get out of here. There goes Busco Jones. Second Jones of the night, I do believe, right? Was there Ivory? Yeah, Ivory Jones. My goodness. My goodness, what a night we've had so far. Everyone have fun tonight?

Well, as you may know, there's only one way to end an episode like this. It's with the Hall of Famer, the guy that's done it more than absolutely anybody ever in this show's history. It's been five years of him gracing our stages all around the country.

all around everywhere. Sold out shows his entire career. Every single show he's ever done has been a sold out Kill Tony. He's only known us during the great era of thriving and he's a big part of it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Memphis Strangler, the Tijuana Tarantula, the Raleigh Rodeo Riot, the Bulgarian Ball Pops,

hammer. The Big Red Machine. This is indeed William Montgomery, everybody. That dude needs to keep the fucking Olive Garden jokes in the restaurant. Dumbass. What the fuck was he thinking? Also, y'all will be happy to know the idiot who couldn't really sing that well who called this show a low-rent American Idol. I literally killed him out of

And the thing back there after the fuck, what a fucking pussy that idiot was. Holy shit. You were nice to him. Oh, and also it has been super tense in the green room. Hans Kim won't even look at, I don't know what happened up here tonight, but he's pacing around up there. He's not making eye contact with anybody. Last week, an 85 year old man stabbed his wife to death for messing up his pancakes. So what's the fucking problem with that?

Stupid old bitch can't be messed up. I can't get pancakes, fuck. I saw a fat woman described as a plus-size influencer, and I couldn't help but wonder, what is she influencing people to do? Buy more candy? Which couch is her best to sleep on?

It's like, we get it, bitch. You're not moving a lot. Okay, that's my time, Tony. Thank you. William Montgomery.

hell yeah absolutely fantastic a minute 20 seconds you did it again hilarious the whole way through absolutely the standard setter of the show looking fantastic the red to blue ratio everything is unbelievable you have the head of a fucking star I've said it a million times I'll say it again you are built for comedy

You are built to be the machine that you are. Oh, he's eyeballing the people in the front row. Yeah, oh my God. What is wrong with your fucking bitch's stomach, man? What is going on? My God. Are you a fucking influencer that I was talking about, bitch? What are you saying, William? What are you saying? The girl's laughing. I don't know what... I'm not seeing... I have a bad angle. Stand up. Can you stand up? What is happening? What is going on?

Oh my goodness. What is that? No, I'm really asking. Why does your stomach look like that? A what? Baby? She has a baby hidden underneath her shirt. Baby? Do you know where babies come from, William? Have you ever seen a pregnant woman? I always heard the mailman delivers it to your house and...

That's what I always believed, Tony, that there's a stork and a mailman. Wow, second stork reference tonight. This is unbelievable. I bet nobody that would have been, if you bet a dollar in Vegas that there'd be two stork references this episode, you could have won $3,000.

billion dollars here. This is the first episode, maybe the second ever in which one stork was ever mentioned. And here we are, our second stork reference of the night. Did you know, were you aware that there was a stork reference earlier? Yeah, yeah, I heard the first stork reference. You've been watching the show. And I have been, yes, I was watching the show. Meanwhile, a perfect opportunity fell on your plate right then to use a second stork reference. But when you come to a stork in the road...

Okay, so... Have you never seen a pregnant woman before? You were absolutely shocked. I'm not even kidding. This is incredible. Saudi Arabian guy who we know, he comes to a lot of episodes. Is that your baby in there? It is? You flew your plane into her tower? What? Little Muhammad. Hell yeah. All right. You gave her your Allah Akbar or whatever? What are you, Muslim as well?

Yeah, what are you? Mexican? Ah! Uh-oh. Uh-oh. We got a fucking jihad taco over here. Oh my goodness. So when's the baby going to come out? February 10th. Okay. Look at that. Absolutely. Maybe it can happen here on Kill Tony. At least there'll be one good delivery tonight. You want to blow some more of that smoke in her face? Just let it... Yeah. Fuck your baby. Do you have a name for it yet? Is it really going to be Mohammed? No.

Mexican girl, you're letting this guy take full fucking control over here? Wow, that is incredible. Oh, really? Five middle names? Oh, wow. Leave it to a fucking Saudi Arabian to have extra baggage. Just going to have to check these fucking names. All right. So it won't be... That's a long name to have on the no-fly list. That's incredible. Wow. So what are a la the names?

Yeah, yeah, somebody shot up with testosterone today. What are the names? Put the mic in front of his mouth, William. I want to hear this. Here, take that one. Garcia. Oh my God.

If there was one more name there, I think Indiana Jones was about to pop up out of nowhere to fucking... Yeah. Hell yeah. Very good, Deamer. Quick on the Indiana Jones on the trombone. All right.

Oh, look at the daydream happening. He's rock solid statue. I have had the worst day, Tony. I went to an enterprise car lot at the airport. And again, I had to get that new credit card that only felons can get because I have no credit history. So I had to get this. And damned if the rental car that I got for the next week...

It wasn't like, I swear to God, it was like $23 over my credit card limit. So I had to have a whole two-hour nightmare right before this.

Trying to talk to the Discover people. Trying to talk to the Bank of America people. You started your first credit, your first card is a Discover card? Yeah, that's what I was, I've, I've. What's funny about that, Redman? That's weird as fuck. That's weird as fuck, William. Yeah, I have a fucking Discover card. You didn't start with like a, like a, like a, well, your bank? I couldn't.

What is your bank? I actually, when I told you all the other day that I didn't have any debt, I actually have a shit ton of debt. In the fifth grade, I took out all these loans. I had this one friend that was selling a shit, making a shit ton of money on these magazine sales, so I took out like $30,000 in loans, Tony, in the fifth grade.

And I'm still paying that shit back. I mean, it's ballooned to $300,000. You took out a $30,000 loan and then started buying magazines? To try to help with, to alleviate the debt that I was just, I was hemorrhaging money. I mean, it was horrible. I'm buying all these magazines. My mom's getting pissed. I have...

a bunch of mad magazines. I'm not even allowed to look at mad magazines. And my mom's like, William, what are you doing with all these mad magazines in your fucking bedroom? You're not even allowed to look at these things. I'm like, mom, I'm hemorrhaging money right now. I have $30,000 worth of fucking stock of mad magazine. Nobody's buying mad magazine, Tony. I mean, this is mid nineties. Nobody's looking at mad magazine anymore. People were buying it. It was hot. Well, I couldn't find the people. Trust me. I was looking, uh,

But yeah, God. I love it. I love it. So what kind of car did you end up renting? A Volvo. Safest kind of car there is. Oh, you like safety. Yeah, I like safety. I don't know. William is a...

Very, very lives in fear. A little fun fact about William. This part is one of the true sides of William Montgomery. He doesn't talk about it on stage, but he literally is truly one of the most scared people that we know. Refuses to fly on private jets. Yeah, I'd rather fly commercial. There's no way you could get me on another private jet. Right. Scares the shit out of me. They crash.

It's crazy. I have to yell up here, I think, y'all, if I'm really kind of getting down to it right now after this very mediocre set. I think I yell up here because I am really, as Tony has said, I'm the biggest coward you've ever met. That's why I look out of my apartment windows all...

literally 24/7. I'm constantly scanning the fucking grounds of the parking lot. I'm the biggest pussy you've ever met, I swear to God. And then I have to, I think, compensate up here when I fucking, I have to yell up here, I have to compensate. "Hey sir, you wanna look at me when I'm fucking talking, you fucking idiot?" And I got scared when I was talking about the plus size model and then I look down here and you're kinda plus size, ah!

But no, I was really scared about that. I come out here and I'm thinking, God, I have this plus-size joke, and I look down and... Are you looking at the pregnant woman again? I am. What are you looking at? And I'm kidding, ma'am. Oh my goodness, you're talking to that woman? Yeah. William, what the fuck is wrong with you tonight? She's morbidly obese, if you can't see her. Oh my God, she is not. I'm kidding! I'm kidding!

You stop it. What are you scared of right now? Why are you calling women... I feel bad and she has a sad look on her face. I made a mistake. Oh my God, William. I feel genuinely bad right now. It was scary when you did it to the pregnant woman. It's a whole different thing when you're doing it to innocent bystanders.

Well, I was gonna take it out on somebody. I was waiting at the fucking Enterprise car lot two hours earlier, so I was sure as shit gonna take it out on somebody. So I'm sorry it was y'all. Y'all look like wonderful people. I'm sorry it was y'all. I've been fucking on edge this whole day ever since the Enterprise. Maybe you can make it up to them. Maybe you can do, like, a little private meet and greet with the two of them after the show right over here in the corner, huh? How about that? Yeah, my gosh, if y'all want to. Yeah, I'd love to.

William in rare form tonight. Barry, have you been eating your Kellogg's All Brand Fiber Buns? I didn't eat them today. I can tell. I can tell. You are low on fiber. Oh, he's analyzing the guests. Why do you think that's funny? Why did you think that was funny? Here he goes. We've seen this before. I don't know which parts are funny. I'm just laughing, man.

This is not the energies of someone that has a Volvo. You're still looking at the guest. We've seen this before. Sometimes he just eyeballs the guest. Makes them very uncomfortable. Who do I look at, Tony? I don't look at it anymore! But I wish I did!

William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. We did it again. Another episode of Kill Tony. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It's amazing. RyanJEbelt.com. Let's look at some local art from the local Chris Rogers. Ooh, a William Montgomery South Park hybrid. I love it.

How about a hand for the great Louis Katz, everybody? LouisKatz.com for tickets. Catch him in Colorado Springs, February 23rd, 24th, this weekend at the Creek and the Cave, Sacramento, January 18th to 20th, and his new special, Present Time.

Tense is out now at Louie Katz Comedy on YouTube. He's Louie Katz Comedy on everything. That's L-O-U-I-S-K-A-T-Z. One more time for Louie Katz, everyone. Thank you. Fantastic. Thanks for having me. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Deamer on the horns, Steve Madness on the bass, John Dees on the keys, and the madman, Mewling on the electric guitar.

Thank you to Jal Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, NinjaBuses.com, Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, and Connect Mobile Health. Get a fucking IV drip. Don't be an idiot. Rehydrate. Kill 15. Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. SunsetStripATX.com. Thank you. We love you guys. Good night, everybody. Have some Zip-X Toothpicks. Who wants some Zip-X? Oh, the Asian guy. How about the pregnant lady? You want some? There you go. There you go. All right.

How about you guys over here? Oh my goodness. Oh my god. I think I just killed somebody. Here you go. Alright. Good night everybody. Thank you. We love you. Good night. Thank you. You guys gotta get the fuck out of here now. Some exclusive Kill Tony merch for sale in the lobby. God bless America. Good night everyone. ... ...

so