#644 - KIRK FOX
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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Back on my stand-up tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the Fully Grown Tour before this. Vancouver, Portland, and Seattle. You're next. January 25th, 26th, and 27th. And then Los Angeles, California, I do stand-up. Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, New York.

St. Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates. Really excited for you to see it. Taking some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of them. Get tickets now at TonyHinchcliffe.com. This is going to be my last stretch of the stand-up tour for the rest of 2024. It's all just performing in Austin and Kill Tony from there. So hope to see you soon. ♪♪

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Give It Up for Tony Hitchcliffe! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?

Yippee! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. We've been doing this little show for over a decade. It is the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. How you guys feel? Good? Shout out to Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, NinjaBuses.com, Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, and Connect Mobile Health. You can get an IV drip. Use the code KILL15 to save 15%. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? You guys big fans of the show? How many of you have been big fans of the show for a long time?

Well, you guys are in for a treat because this is the return. It's been years pre-pandemic since we had this guy on as a guest. And he is one of the record holders for all-time guest appearances.

and one of the all-time greats, someone who is in more than anything on top of being nominated for an Emmy as an actor and so many great things he's been on, but truly he is one of my favorite comedians on planet Earth and a lot of your favorite comedians' favorite comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of one of my all-time favorites, the great and powerful Kirk Fox, everybody. Huge. Huge.

No, sit here, Kirk. Over here. Fuck yeah. The great Kirk Fox, everybody. Reservation dogs, parks and recs. The new jury duty of Fran Emmett.

But more than anything, one of the fucking real comedians of our era at the Comedy Store. A fucking legend and a legend of Kill Tony. I don't know about that, but it seems important to you, so we'll just... It is. We're going to have a lot of fun. Is this the right mic? I don't want to interrupt you. I know the rules you gave me, but is this the mic you want me on? Okay, no, no. Was that you? Do you do that? Hold on.

Don't press on the thing. Good, man. I don't want any trouble. Just like that. Is that good? We got that? Okay. But that was next to me. You understand why I grabbed it? No, yeah, totally. Okay, so someone fucked up already. It's true. Good. Put that away. To never be used again. Okay. Frame it. We're going to have fun. Kirk, you know how it works. Over 200 souls signed up for the chance to get one minute on this stage here tonight if I pull their name out of the bucket. In their life, right? Souls? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay. That would get scary if it was just... I see death here. In the spotlight. Okay. But yes, you know how it works. They get 60 seconds. I mean, it's been a while, I'll be honest with you. Yeah, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. I know. 60 seconds. I know. We're just getting the kinks out. I'll be done in a second.

And you know that time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up. Then we're also going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just interrupts them. And then I ask them a bunch of questions and we find out more about who we pulled out of the bucket. I'm going to pre-pull right now our first comedian and they have to go across the street to a special bar and get the person. I believe they yell it. What do you yell it through a megaphone, Colt? You do? Yeah. All right. Well, there he goes.

I didn't even know that. I didn't, I've always wondered, like, why would someone just yell the name? So you store them across the street? Is this what happens? Yeah. Yeah, there's a bar. You don't want to keep souls in here, so that's good. You put the, put a new bar. I'm with you, Tony. I take the humans to the bar. We keep the souls here. Okay. I like it. Anyway, I interview them. The whole thing's improvised. It's all crazy. You guys are, you guys know where you're at. You guys ready to have a great fucking show tonight or what?

But while they get that poor, poor person from across the street, we're going to get the show started with a fucking legend of the show, everybody. You know him as a guy that used to live in his fucking van, and now I tell you, he's living his dreams. Ladies and gentlemen, I think you know the words. You guys know the words? Thank you. Thank you.

for that long song. I have been putting dryers all throughout my neighborhood, 'cause I wanna catch a stepmom. I love taking Ubers. You know it's gonna be a good Uber if you can't tell if it's the driver's name or his license plate. I've been thinking about getting the new Cybertruck, 'cause I want a car that tells people not only is my dick small, but I wax my balls as well.

My girlfriend recently told me that I have the best personality of any man she's ever dated, which is sad because I didn't know my dick was that small. All right, thank you. Okay, Hans Kim. Did you say dryers? Was that the first one? Yes, dryers. As in like washing machine? Washing machine. Dryer? Dryers, yes. Because stepmoms use dryers. Yeah, they get stuck in them.

Okay. It's a type of porn that he watches. Brian, I watch American porn, not the Japanese shit that you're into. Yeah, you guys have actually flip-flopped. It's like Tom Hanks and the little boy in the movie Big. You should be liking Japanese porn, and he should for sure like stepmoms caught in dryers, but the world works in mysterious ways. How you doing, Hans Kim? I'm doing fabulously. You know, my girlfriend's still white, and I'm still rich.

Super likable. That could all change, so that's good. That could all change. A few of those... A dryer joke could change everything.

But it's all right. You came out with confidence. I spoke with you downstairs, and you had high hopes. A lot can change, man. You come up two stories, two floors. Yeah, two floors. Each step got you closer to this moment. So I do love you, though. We love you, Hans. What's going on in your life? I recently bought a remote-control airplane, and I got it stuck in a tree.

And so I bought a $150 pole and got it out and got my $200 airplane out with... Yeah, these are the investments that can take you in the other direction pretty quick. It really is a $150 pole for a $200 airplane. Yeah, it's a 30-foot pole. I mean, I still have... I'm not going to return it. I'm going to use it. But you saved money on the tree, right? The Christmas tree? Yeah.

See, I can suck too. I'm just showing you that it's universal. Sure got quiet, they thought something was coming and I was just showing them that it can sometimes not come. Hans, let me ask you something. A 30-foot pole, is that what you needed? Yeah, it was pretty high up there.

poked it out. Does it retract? Yes, it folds in. Folds in. I think, yeah, I think D Madness has one of those over here somewhere. So you think you're going to use it in the future? Are you going to use it to mostly like talk shit? Like I wouldn't touch you with a 30 foot pole and I know because I have a 30 foot pole. Yeah, I mean, my reach is unlimited. I mean, 30 foot, but yeah,

I could touch a lot of things from far away. Well, that's going to help you when you're near the playground next time. I'm only... You need to get a... Yeah.

31-foot restraining orders that they need from you. Did you get the plane out? Yes. Poked it out, fell in the water, dried it out. Wouldn't it have been great if we could do that to the planes during 9-11? Just fucking poke them out real quick so the whole thing didn't... If we just would have gotten rid of that jet fuel. You still can. There's pieces.

I love it. So the plane falls down. Is it still working? Yes, but then I crashed it again and the front wheel caved in, so I'm going to return it and get a new one. Wow. But you'll keep the pole for next time? Yeah. You think Asians are better than normal people at flying airplanes? We're about exponentially worse. The third dimension really sends me in a tail loop.

Start spinning around. Fuck yeah. Those were words I didn't understand. But once again, you were confident in the delivery and fuck, and we'll go with it. Yeah.

Thank you, Kirk. I'm here for you. Did you watch the plane fly into the tree? Yeah, I was controlling it. Right. What's the range on something like that? Probably like a thousand feet. Wow. So you were flying low? Yeah, I was showing off. Can you see up like normal people?

Or do you have special goggles and a camera on the airplane? You don't need to see up when you have a 30-foot pole. Yeah. You can feel. You just feel. I can see up. Yes, Brian, I can see up. If you wouldn't, it would have been a Malaysian airplane. It would have disappeared, everybody. You electronic airplane. You should have watched the news before I came. Electronic airplane jokes. That's a...

Kirk said, you should have watched the news. The Malaysian plane disappeared. I think it was 15 years ago or something like that. No, I mean, I would have had to have started 15 years ago. I'm waiting for this shit coming. Hell yeah. So Malaysia went down. It'll be all right. It disappeared. It'll be okay. Hans, anything else crazy we need to know about you tonight? One of my roommates is not a fan of my kimchi. Oh, man.

Is that your girlfriend? Kimchi. It does smell really bad, though. It stinks. I mean, it's food. If you process it as food, it's like, whatever, that's food. It's okay. Why do you have to make a big deal about it? What did the roommate say? Goddamn, what the hell? Wait.

I am so confused with the race of this roommate. There's a part where I thought it was black and then it got white halfway through. Where's that Chinese motherfucker? I think it's black again. Going back to black. Smells like a foot farted in here. Is that what he said? Yeah, it was pretty poetic. Yeah. Yo, it smelled like a foot farted in here. Like that? Yeah. Right. Goddamn my N-word.

Yep, now I know for a fact that it is indeed a... I just like watching to see where it goes. Oh, it's going farther and farther. It's not getting there. We're almost there. I'm not gonna say it. Fuck yeah. So where did you guys settle on the kimchi battle? He just told me that it's smelly and I was just like, well, you know, I'm a Korean roommate. This is like par for the course. You're lucky I'm not bringing out the ginseng.

That's another Korean thing. Do you have a garage? Yes. You should get a garage refrigerator for the kimchi. Oh, okay. I don't have to go in the garage every time. So what? It's like somebody cooking fish every day. You don't want your whole house to smell like fish. You have to deal with... An Asian, yeah. He has to say it now. I'm not allowed to say it anymore. Can we think? We can think it. Right. Can we bleep it?

Is that what it's called? Yeah. I love it. Hans, every single week you start the show in an amazing fashion. You did it tonight. There goes Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Hans, I love you. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. All right. Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your first bucket bowl. Obviously, this is where shit can be out of control.

Thanks so much for Paul Cyphers, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted of stand-up comedy by a hopeful that was contained in a bar all night. This is Paul Cyphers. I like to take Adderall, but I don't have health care, so I have to buy it off of drug dealers. I got some a few weeks ago. I brought it home. I was like, damn, this is some good shit.

And then three days later, I was like, "Damn, this is some crystal meth." That's what this is. This has been the worst year of my life. I'm glad it's ending. It started off pretty rough. Last year on New Year's Eve, I got hit by the same drunk driver two times. I was sitting in the passenger seat, and my dad punched me in both of my eyes. So that's what I get for trying to kiss him when the ball dropped, you know what I mean?

I'm kind of tired. This morning I saved a woman from a train. I pushed her out of the way and let all those guys fuck me instead. Thank you guys very much. 60 seconds exactly from Paul Cyphers. Fuck yeah. You let all the guys fuck you. Are you gay? No, I'm not. Just in the joke. Well, if you want me to be. Whatever. All right. This guy's down for anything. Tony's lucky, dude. If you want me to be. Well, yeah. Welcome to show business, buddy. Fuck yeah.

All right. Have you been on this show before? I have over at Vulcan and one time at Antone's as well. Okay. Wow, we're going to have to bleep that out. Oh, I'm sorry. No, it's okay. Fuck.

I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five or six years now. All of it in Austin? No, I moved here three years ago from Worcester, Massachusetts. Right. Worcester. That comes up a lot on this show, Worcester, Massachusetts. Yeah, a lot of us are here. Hell yeah. Who's the most famous comedian from there? Doug Stanhope, maybe? Louie, sort of.

Yeah. It's a huge scene out there in Boston. And how, you said five or six years total? Yes. Right. What do you do for work? Right now I'm working at Vulcan as a door guy and a bar back. And,

and then just whatever else I could pick up, shifts on 6th Street, doing that kind of stuff. Yeah, and I just started as a PA here a week or two ago, working for you. So it's been fun. Really? That's amazing. He just started. Thank you. Good stuff, Yoni.

If you're buying Adderall off the street, you're going to find a lot of work out there. What do you do for the show? I got to know. They just brought me on. I'm just running, grab whatever they tell me, teach me what to do. Yeah, just brought me on. But what have you done? I've helped set up chairs. I've done that.

I have given the gel guns to the people when they get off stage and I tell them, "Great job." That's right, from the great people over at Gel Blast. Yeah. That's a great-- And you're getting paid for that? Austin seems like the place to be. Yeah. Thumbs up, you're fucking getting paid? I'd make a fortune.

Wait, we're paying this guy? I have no idea. I don't believe so. Yoni's saying no. Yoni's going like that. My Jew executive producer is literally like...

I love it. Getting paid in experience. Okay. I like that. That's very, very, I mean, that seems to make sense if what you're doing is going, good job, use a gel blaster once every 10 minutes. Seems like pretty much fucking nothing. Yeah, helping with sign-ups and stuff. Yeah. Anything they want to do. Are you sure? Are you sure that you're supposed to be helping? Yeah. This guy's just an invader. Like, I've been...

one of your top Young Rising production assistants. You might know me as the fastest rising producer of chairs moving behind tables and gel blasters being handed out. I'm about to be the president of show business in minutes at this pace. And have you seen his thumb? He's got two. That is a strong thumbs up. I love it. So, Paul, tell us something interesting about your childhood. Oh, my childhood. Uh...

Not much. I cried during Powder, the Pop Warner football, a lot. My brothers played football for a long time, and I just cried so many times my family told me I shouldn't go back anymore. Do you cry now? Well, my girlfriend just moved all of our stuff out of her apartment and left me a week ago, so I've been crying. I guess you didn't pull her chair out enough.

I mean, I don't know, but I noticed something really interesting. Maybe hold your thought because what I took from that, I don't know if anybody else noticed this, but you didn't say that your girlfriend broke up with you.

You said my girlfriend got her stuff and moved it out a week ago. No, she broke up with me too, yeah. Okay, just making sure that you know that. No, I know. You seemed really hopeful there for a second. The way I analyze that is like, well, she thinks she broke up with me. But no. She took all her shit, but she's just making room for more love. She took all of her shit and her human body, but her soul is with me.

Do you think you could cry for us if we helped? Was there a song in particular that she loved or that she would play a lot? I don't think I could cry here. I'm in a pretty good mood right now. Let me ask you again. Was there a specific song that reminds you of her?

I don't know. Maybe, yeah. I don't know. You don't know? How long were you with her? I mean, I'm sure there's songs that remind me of her. I don't know if they'd make me cry, though, if they played them. That's not what I'm asking you. Let's take the cry thing separately. Let's go with the song Everlong by Foo Fighters. That would make me... What are your thoughts when you think about Everlong from the Foo Fighters? What does it remind you of? A time with her? No, they're not just the lyrics of the song. They're just a sad song in general, I guess. Oh.

Wait, is that it? Can we get a spotlight on Paul? I'll play it too. Keep fucking playing it. Don't stop. Now let's go. Let's go through. Just look out there. Look at the look at the camera. Wait, are you trying to sing? Is that what I mean? I can try. I'm not good at it. Yeah, we go sing.

♪ I've waited here for you ♪ - She might see this. ♪ Ever long ♪ - This could win her back. ♪ Tonight ♪ - Come on, you got this, Paul. ♪ I'll throw myself into ♪ ♪ Out of the red ♪ ♪ Out of her head she sang ♪

You packed your bags, but I'm in love with you. And I wonder... Stop, stop, stop. Stop. Stop. No. No. No.

No, I gotta tell you, wherever she packed up and went off to, she packed up again. She's going farther away. She's going the opposite direction. I don't know. She went to New Jersey. I think she's coming back. There's a chance. She went to New Jersey. That's how shitty it was. Did you guys ever watch football together? Did that ever come into play? No, that never came up. Yeah, just fucking... What was it about Pop Warner that just would break you into tears?

I mean, we skipped over what started it. You didn't like being tackled? Yeah, I was not good at it, very bad at it. Did they tackle you before the game or something? Yeah, just even the Oklahoma drills and stuff just beat the shit out of me, so I was out really young. You asked me something about my childhood, I just had to, like, spin the wheels, pick something. In the right light, you do look like a beautiful woman, though.

She's a strong light, good backlight for you. What's the longest stand-up set you've ever done? 20 minutes. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Whoa, look at that. Paul Cyphers, Miggies. Thank you. You have the joke book already, huh? Yeah, I have two. Okay, well, there you go. Paul Cyphers. You have a small one and a big one? That's amazing. I love that. It's fun to hear the people that have had...

Did I fucking miss a bucket poll? Oh, that was him. Oh, sweet. Perfect. Yep. There's the one that we funneled and the new one goes out. Make some noise for Anthony Papali, everybody. Straight out of the bucket. Anthony Papali. 60 seconds. What's up? Dude, I'm not from Texas, all right? And I'm trying to learn about Texans. And what I've learned about Texans is you guys like your guns, your hunting, your fishing, and...

Just terminating everything out here, really, you know? Except pregnancies. You guys are like, "No, sir, those aren't in season." "No, sir." But I bet you can sell abortion to Texas, you know? You just gotta take it out of Planned Parenthood and then drop it in a Bass Pro Shop, you know what I'm saying? Like, "Every abortion, free box of ammo." You'd have to line out the door, man.

You go in, your girl gets the abortion, you pick up a Salt Life t-shirt, and fucking roll tide, baby, let's go, dude. Have some fun. I don't know how I feel about abortion, though, you know? Like, on one hand, I think it's a woman's right to choose, right? But sometimes, you know, you see a little kid and you're like, oh, look at that guy. He didn't get aborted, you know? But then you remember, he goes to school in America, so you're like, oh, he's got plenty of time. He's got plenty of time to be aborted. That's...

Thank you. Fuck yeah. Anthony Papali. Am I saying that right? Papali? Papali. Papali. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that makes more sense. Papali. Hell yeah. Yeah. You've been on this show before, correct? Yes. Okay. And remind us, what are you again? What's your ethnicity? 100% Italian. Fuck yeah. Always. Seriously, though. I'm an Indian guy. Right, you're an Indian guy. I'm Indian. Yeah.

Perfect. Absolutely perfect. I love it. Got the 100% right. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty Indian. What do you do for work? I just got out of the military, and so I'm kind of figuring out what to do. What'd you do in the military? I was in the Coast Guard, worked on ships, and... Okay. Yeah. I see something in boating, maybe in your future. Maybe. Maybe.

I don't know. What'd you do on the ships? Just like, navigation stuff, worked in public affairs. I gotta be honest, last time I was on here, I said I was in the military, but I didn't say that I did get kicked out of the military. I got kicked out. You got kicked out? I got kicked out, yeah. Wow. The rare Indian misbehavior. An anomaly in these parts. I'm trying to change the image of Indians. We're bad boys. We're fucking...

What exactly does an Indian do to get kicked out of the military? I had a puff of marijuana. You had a puff of marijuana? Yeah, I had a little bit of marijuana. More than a puff? More than a puff, yeah. Why did you say a puff? I don't know. I'm nervous and I'm excited. It's adorable. It's an adorable answer. How old are you, Anthony? I'm 30. 30.

30 years old. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years. Okay. How much have you been here in Austin? About two months. Two months. Yeah. Where'd you move from? I was in like the Orlando area for a while. What were you doing in the Orlando area? Well, I was stationed in Cape Canaveral before I moved here, so Orlando was like the closest big city. All right. Yeah. And you talked a lot about abortion. I did. Yeah. Yeah. A lot. A lot. All the trimesters you talked about abortion. Yeah. All of them, yeah. Yeah.

What is Indian culture and abortion? What are those two things? What's the crossover there? I don't think it exists. I think they just let, like, if you want an abortion, I think you let nature take over, you know? Like in India, you just let a cobra come in or a... I don't know. All right. Or a cow, perhaps. Or a cow. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Those babies don't last that long if a cobra's involved. I know that. Not that long. Yeah.

Where were you raised? California. What part? Bay Area, San Francisco. Okay, and what convenience stores do your parents own? 7-Eleven, Dunkin' Donuts. Seriously, what do your parents do for work? My dad does like education consulting and my mom doesn't do anything. The way you said education, I could hear you're Indian for the first time. Oh, you want me to turn it up a notch? You want me to...

Yes. You guys are so fucking racist. I knew it was going to get a laugh if I did that. Of course. Yeah, it's funny. You buried the lead, my friend. Yeah. Fucking stupid. Yeah. Oh, my dad, he works in education. That's what I heard. That's what it sounded like. It was a real switch. Abortion sounds funnier with that accent. Oh, yeah. Oh, they got that abortion. Yeah. Yeah.

Spot on Indian accent activated. Not bad. It's pretty good, yeah. Right? See, it's good. What'd you do in the Coast Guard, if I could ask? Did you... Ships? But what? I worked on boats. I did, like, navigation stuff. I was on a gun crew. So you're stoned just trying to guide ships? Yeah. Good thing we haven't been at war for a while.

The ships are docked. They're docked. Okay. What's the most Indian thing about your Indian father? What's the most Indian thing about my Indian father? Yeah. The fact that he's Indian. Does he do something super Indian? I don't know. My dad came here when he was like 18. You ever walk in and he's like floating in the living room on a carpet like meditating or something? You're like, Dad, how do you do that? That'd be sick. That's great.

Watch, it's going to be like, I'm not going to know it's going to be Indian Heritage Month or something like that. I'm like, oh God, here we go. I got your back. I'll defend you. So offensive. How dare you say we talk exactly like that? No. My dad is very Americanized. He came here and he fell in love with America, listened to like classic rock. How long was he in India for? 18 years. 18 years. But meanwhile, every other word that you said didn't sound Indian at all.

But you, when you said education, sounded super Indian. I think it just ingrained in me because my dad used to make me just study so hard. When's the last time you talked to your dad? I don't know, like a week maybe? Right. Right.

Let me ask you something. You think that if we called your father... Oh, fuck, dude. ...said hello to him for a second, got a barometer of fucking what he kind of sounds like, right? Because you said he's super Americanized. So my guess is that he might not sound that Indian, right? I don't think so, personally. Me neither. But here's my point. Here's what I want to do. I want to get a little test tube of his fucking natural accent, his American accent. Then I want you to ask him what field he works in.

Because I want to see if his education sounds Indian. Because I bet the fucking, I bet the genie doesn't fall far from the tree. He probably is not going to say the word education just for that. He'll just say consulting. Was he proud that you took all the education, knowledge, and went into the Coast Guard? Fuck no, dude. Are you serious? He was pretty worried. You know?

Indian people come here, they become doctors, engineers, and I was like... Can we call your dad real quick? You want to call him? Yeah, let's call him. That's his phone? Okay. Oh, that is my phone. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah, damn. It happens quick. We take it off of them when they come through the back door. What if he's tech support? You want me to just hold it like that? Yeah, put it on speaker. Make sure your volume's all the way up. And here, I'll actually, I'll hold the phone and you just listen. See if he can reset my phone. LAUGHTER

Don't tell him about the abortion jokes. No, you're here. I didn't pick up. I hope he's okay. It would have been so funny if the answering machine was like, hey guys, sorry I couldn't make it to the phone. Have a big day tomorrow working in... That's what I was shooting for, but I guess they're not going to find out tonight.

Does your dad smoke weed? Sorry, Tony. Yeah, I think he does now. Right. Yeah. When you say now, you mean you think he started long after you left the house and joined the military? You don't think he was smoking the whole time? I think he probably did when he was a teenager and then started once I left the house again. Why are you saying it like it's a hunch? I don't know, dude. I'm not sure. I don't know. I really don't know. Damn. We have so much to talk to this guy about. Something shady.

My dad is shady. My dad, uh... You're not telling us everything. Look, man, I got fucking... So you got kicked out of the Coast Guard, but was it just for weed, or did you... Just weed, honestly. Steal a missile. I'm a good guy. Hey, guys, I'm a good person. I just, like, fucking smoked weed. Right. I love America. Okay, you're starting to sound like a terrorist. There you go. All right. Tony, make a note of his name, and let's keep a track of this guy. Anthony Poponer.

Did you get a little joke book last time you were on? I got the big one last time. Okay, well there you go. Here's a little one. Oh, thank you. Anthony Papali, everybody. Thank you so much. All right. On we go. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Michael White, everybody. Michael White. You guys having fun out there, huh? Here he is, Michael White. Michael White.

- What's up ATX? I'm from Corvus Christi, the city of Salinas. I live two hours away from Mexico, so my white privilege doesn't activate until I enter Hayes County. And there's not a lot of black people in my city for the police to harass. So I'm like the substitute teacher. I lived in the streets for five years 'cause my stepdad didn't like me. Wigga oppression is real. I got my first car when I was 21.

So after sleeping at bus stops and couch hopping in the projects for four years, I was able to live in my car until I got my own apartment. When I didn't have a car or when my car isn't working, I run errands on foot. If I walk far enough, CCPD will run up, illegally search me and check me for warrants and they always say, "It's because you match a description." So if you ever see anyone who still wears tall tees with a do-rag on top of his hat, all crime stoppers.

They been looking for that dude since I was 16 years old. I fucking love it. Michael White. Hell yeah. This is like your eight mile right now, dude. Somebody just told me that on TikTok. Yeah, I love it. When I was live outside. You only had one shot. And let me tell you, you did not miss your chance to blow. That's a good eight mile reference right there.

Okay, so let's just jump right into it. What the fuck? I love it. Where are you from? Corpitos, mira, watcha? Okay, I'm not gonna- Corpus Christi. Okay, Corpus Christi. Yeah, the city of Selena. All right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been there. The lady that Cardi B is trying to be like. Oh shit, don't start any wars here, my friend. We got no beef here.

Sorry, Cardi. All right. So let's talk about it, Michael. I have so much, by the way. I literally am so excited about this. I don't even know where to begin. So are you aware that you have a screen mask tucked into some type of sideways baseball cap or something like that? You know what you're dressed like right now? Oh, yeah. Laundry day. I had to wear your mama muscle shirt. Strong ass bitch. Oh.

I love you. Have you done stand-up comedy before? I've actually... I've been a performer since I was 13 as a musician and a battle rapper, but I've always been funny in my raps, and people always leave comments on my rap battles saying, you're not a rapper, you're a stand-up comedian. And it took me forever to swallow my pride and start doing stand-up comedy because I felt like people were discrediting my rap skills, and I would...

discredited myself too if I fell into that and just started doing it, but I was like, fuck it, whatever. You know what I mean? They were right. No, I love it. So how many times, how often have you tried stand-up then? I just started like a year and a half ago. That's when I started doing it. And you're doing a lot of it in Corpus Christi. Yeah, yeah. And I upload it to my TikTok and shit. I'm one of those type of comedians. I don't repeat, I don't go to open mics and repeat the same shit every week. I record it.

upload it, and then I come up with a new one, upload it, you know? - So you just have a ton of really bad shit.

You have a ton of shitty content. If you make me a regular, I'll always have something new. Well, no. Stop it. Yeah, okay. Crazy people trying to sabotage. Fucking do it. You haters. I love it, man. Now, is this your look, if I could ask? Is this kind of your style? Or is this just for tonight? Look around. Does anybody else look like me?

No, it is a completely original. Okay, this is my style. Yeah, I claim it. Is that Wayne Bryant? Right here on the Kill Tony show. It's trademarked. So Drake can't steal this shit. You think Drake has been stealing some of your swagger, style? Oh, man, he put hair clips on his head. Man, I used to put hair clips on my fucking head. Now I can't do it no more.

You can't, 'cause Drake did it. Yeah, I call them, they were my, I put, I call them puto clips. I used to put them on 'cause I'm a puto. My acronym is players undermining their ops. Puto power! You say you swallow a lot of pride, right? You swallow a lot of pride? Yo! Yo! You swallow pride? Yo!

Oh, shit. The manic episode is beginning right in front of us. This is crazy. I'm having flashbacks. His clothes are so loose, you can't tell if he's swallowing it. It is unbelievable. Who knows? This time next week, Drake might be dressed like Rick Moranis shrunk him. This is incredible. I do think the cops are doing the right thing. Yeah. You do fit a description. Let me ask you this, Michael White. What do you do for work?

All right, so I'm one of the most known artists in my city. So I used my rap fame to start a spaghetti delivering service out of my kitchen. 'Cause my ex-girlfriend from Italy taught me how to make the best spaghetti.

You know what I'm saying? That's his opener. He needs that to be the opener. Like a delivery app? I'm the spaghetti plug in my... Nah, Facebook is the app. No, but here's the thing, though. I only do it when I need to pay a bill. And when I don't need to pay a bill, I spend my time on my career. That's why I'm always broke, begging my TikTok for money to eat. Okay.

Okay, hold on. Stick with me here. Stick with me here. So when you need some money, are you joking or are you serious? You make a bunch of spaghetti and people pay you for it around Corpus Christi? Yeah. Hey, man, we love food. I almost made it through that whole thing with that laugh. We love food in Corpus. Gives him a CD and a bowl of spaghetti. We love food in Corpus. Out of his trunk that he sleeps on. Bro, you know how easy it is to sell food in Corpus? Everybody sells food. Tell us about it.

I say, "Oh, man, while I'm cooking, I meet my quota." Like, I'm right there messaging my cousin while I'm cooking. You know what I'm talking about? - So how much spaghetti are we talking about? You sell it in what kind of containers are you putting-- - My quota is 14 plates in a night. Which is $10 a plate, $5 a gas. - Hold on, hold on. Michael, stick with me over here. Michael, over here. Michael, Michael, over here. Stick with me here, okay?

What do you put the spaghetti on when you deliver it to people? Is it a plate with tin foil? Is it a Gladlock container? To-go boxes. Oh, like styrofoam folding to-go boxes. Yeah, yeah. So you invested in the styrofoam boxes. Yeah. So the most you do is 14 or the minimum you do is 14? Yeah, I do about 14. That's what I do. But you could do more. Yeah.

- It's kind of like-- - I know the word. - You know, 'cause my re-up cost like 55 bucks to do-- - It's like one of my favorite interviews ever for some reason. - So it's like, you making more money than selling a 50 pack of Coke, you know what I'm saying? - Okay, hold on, this was my next question. How much are you selling each container of spaghetti for? - It's $10 each, and then $5 for the gas fee. - So you make $140 a night,

Working very hard making and delivering this spaghetti. And meanwhile, you were talking about it like you're cooking Coke, like you're Scarface. You're making all the money. The re-up is $55, so the rest is profit. The biscuit?

What? Did you say biscuit? I said the re-up is $55 and the rest of it is profit. Oh, the rest of it. The rest of it. Do people come to your house for the plate? No, no. You go out there in the world and just... I deliver it. You just go out there and shine. The way you say that you deliver makes me think that your house might not be the greatest conditions for somebody to come eat spaghetti at. Can you describe your place for us? Is it a studio? It's like an efficiency size. But here's the thing, you know,

That's not Amore by Dean Martin. Welcome. Hey, come on in. It's Michael Weitz. Who wants some fucking spaghetti? Come on. He's one of the nicest guys. He'd give you the wife beater off his head. You're going to love this guy's fucking spaghetti. It's so good. Don't judge the size of his clothes. Dude.

Don't judge a man. Everything bigger than Texas. I honestly want to try this fucking spaghetti. Let me ask you this. Can you give us an example of how you make it? Well, my ex from Italy, she taught me how to make it. I know, but what do you remember? I'm not going to tell the whole world my recipe. Leave a couple key ingredients out. Give us the backbone of your sauce.

I don't know how to do that without snitching on myself. That's like... Come on, dude. It's fucking tomato sauce. Go ahead. Give us a little. Just start rattling off your quantities. Well, I mean, I... No one's here to steal your spaghetti recipe. I mean, well, okay. The basics is tomato sauce, hamburger meat,

Hold on. And then the rest is me making it live. I'm going to fucking die here. Wait, wait. Why did your ex leave you? Why would she leave you? Why would your fucking ex leave a guy making spaghetti? Is she a waitress? No, I love her, man. She was crazy. Yeah, man.

I got two scars on my face because of her, yeah. What did she do? She forked you? Making spaghetti? You know how women are, man. They don't know how to lose a conversation. What'd she do to your face? Man, she would be talking and if I happened to be winning, just nails come out of nowhere. Did she have to call you chef? Unbelievable.

Okay, but seriously though, you said tomato sauce and hamburger. Tony, why do you look like you sing the Star Spangled Banner, the old version? I don't know why I look like that. Why?

I don't know, but I feel like if I wanted you to suck my dick, you wouldn't do it because you're racist. Holy shit. That is, there was, there's a lot to unpack in such a short, use the good economy of words there. I don't know which part to figure out first. He confused you with food talk. Yeah. Unbelievable. That was a slow burn. I'm sorry. I'm hangry. I need some spaghetti.

How much spaghetti do you eat? Is that pretty much your whole thing? Like I said, I only do it when I need to pay a bill. When I don't need to pay bills, I focus on my career as an entertainer. That's why I'm always broke. You should make 15 plates and keep one for yourself. And I beg my TikTok for money to feed me.

You are such a fucking interesting person to me, but I do want to hear some of this rapping before you leave. What kind of... All right. Tell them what kind of beat you want or whatever. Look at Michael. All right. I'll do my song, my ADHD. Make the beat like this. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

All right.

All right, do the fucking thing. I don't smoke a dream, but I don't be knocking people that do. I'm just saying, wee, my 80AD is all I need. Look at me, my 80AD. My 80AD is all I need. I don't smoke a dream, but I don't be knocking people that do. I'm just saying, wee, my 80AD is all I need. Look at.

♪ Me, my ADHD, my ADHD is all I need ♪ ♪ Getting ready to hit the club with my partner ♪ ♪ So they can get their drink on ♪ ♪ And I'm the designated driver so I gotta get my thing on ♪ ♪ I ain't even tripping though ♪ ♪ I don't even be drinking bro ♪ ♪ I just love spitting flows ♪ ♪ Making money and hitting on my sober motherfucker ♪ ♪ But I be acting like I'm on it ♪ ♪ Got my ADHD on full speed ♪ ♪ Supersunners hand me an unsweet tea ♪ ♪ So I can add my own sugar ♪ ♪ Go live in the paint bouncing off the wall ♪

♪ Like a Ruger, full of ricochet like Tim C ♪ ♪ Whole love, man, everybody in the club ♪ ♪ Thank you, I'm on XO ♪ ♪ When it's just me off up the street ♪ ♪ I'm naturally ghetto ♪ ♪ Or maybe come on and have me take a rid of it ♪ ♪ Since I was five ♪ ♪ 'Til I was old enough to not take it no more ♪ ♪ Now I'm allowed to be five ♪ ♪ Now I'm allowed to go live ♪ ♪ And live in my childhood one more time ♪

All right, wow. That was actually fuckin' pretty goddamn interesting.

But I want to be a stand-up comedian, so... - No, it's not gonna work out, buddy. You're a hell of an interview, and that was fantastic. You're set. Absolutely god-awful, let there be no question. However, I find you so entertaining, you still get a big joke book and a big gel blaster. So there he goes, Michael White, everybody. The Kill Tony debut of Michael White, proof that anybody can fucking get pulled out of the bucket.

We have very low standards here on Kill Time. That turned around, man. Literally, the people that walk the line of absolute... Anything can happen. But the recipe, not bad. Simple. Basically, sauce, hamburger meat, and magic. Like, what? Hamburger meat. I love the words. The words hamburger meat say so much about what that sauce has to be like. They didn't call it beef.

Specifically, hamburger meat. He knows what works, man. You never know what we'll find out of the bucket. We once found this guy out of the bucket. Now he's a goddamn superstar. One of our best regulars ever. Make some noise for the great Cam Patterson. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

And that nigga dead dog I killed him. Dead as hell man. Alright, let's get into the joke.

I went surfing for the first time a couple days ago. I did not like it 'cause I can't swim that good. Well, I can swim very good for a black guy, you know what I'm saying? I can dog and pat my ass off, but y'all motherfuckers got me beat, you know what I'm saying? And the dude I was surfing with, he was gay, or maybe y'all thought he was gay. He was gay as hell, dawg, you know what I'm saying? And we was in the ocean, and I thought he wanted to fuck me, so I was scared. He just kept saying, like, nice shit, like, "Oh, you look so good in that wetsuit. You look like a real good swimmer." I'm like, "You trying to fuck me, sir? This is terrifying."

And then at one point we seen like this beautiful ass sunset. The sunset was beautiful, dawg. Like it was nice. And then I looked at him, he looked at me and then we kissed. Now I'm playing, listen. No, I'm joking, no. I saw that beautiful ass sunset, bro. I'm like, damn, but this shit is beautiful. And he looked at me, he was like, it is beautiful. It kind of looked like heaven. And I was like, yeah, it do. And he went, if heaven was a real thing, and I got scared.

'Cause I don't want to be in the ocean with no atheist thinking that's crazy. You feel what I'm saying? You don't even believe in miracles, bitch. That's insane. Like, I'm dying, and I'm like, "Oh, God, help me." Nobody's coming to save you, never. Nobody finna save you. I done my time.

Fuck yeah, Cam Patterson, the new minute 22 seconds. For real? Yeah. Oh, the do-rag shit. That nigga, I like that nigga, man. He cool. That was... I probably got hepatitis or something now with this goddamn do-rag on my head. Worth it for that laugh. Worth it for that laugh, my friend.

That was very surprising, especially since he thought Drake was going to steal from him. It took a matter of seconds for Cam Patterson of all people to... Give me a do-rag, nigga. I don't know. I don't think that's a... That's a don't-rag. That's what that is. This shit not safe. I'll tell you that, man. It's a brown spot on it. Yeah. That is something wild. That's like an old pilgrim thing or some shit.

So wild. Did you really learn how to surf? Yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah. I went surfing in Malibu for the Cam of the White shit. Okay. Hell yeah. Wow. That shit was dope. I got up on the board. I stood up and shit. That nigga really was. I think that nigga was trying to fuck me. That was pretty scary. Yeah. Hell yeah.

- Interesting. And you were able to stand up on the board on the wave? - Yeah, I'm like athletic as fuck, dog. I can really do almost anything, you know what I'm saying? - How were you when you didn't have a surfboard to hold onto? - What you mean? - Like, you're swimming out there? - Well, I drowned four times. But on the surfboard, nigga, I was fine, you understand me? I was really good. Hell yeah. - So it was your instructor that had the crush on you? - I'm pretty sure it was Gay, yeah, most definitely. Yeah, yeah.

Was he like holding you by your waist, helping you get on the thing and stuff? Nah, but he was saying weird shit like, "You look great in that wetsuit." And my ass was out. I was like, "Nigga, it's not. It's a bodysuit. Nigga, leave me alone, bro. This is scary. That's terrifying, dog." That's the shit I say to a bad bitch. But it was a wetsuit. It wasn't just you, right? Nah, it wasn't just the wetsuit. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah.

I'm confused now. They laugh, I'm very confused. What just happened? They laugh, I'm like, wait a minute, what do you mean? Brother, what are you talking about? With regards to what?

What else is going on in your world, Cam? Oh, we just did new shows in Florida. We're back home. That's it. That was epic. Massive, massive venues in Florida with a lot of your family. Yeah, a lot of my family came. My best friend came. My brother came. I got to meet one of your real best friends from the streets. I mean, full-on ankle bracelet probation. I mean, straight up...

Sometimes just taking off and running when he saw the security people at the theater. - But they with us, they with us. All right, that's cool. - Yeah, but it was fun. Tell us about it. Anything else? - It was cool. Nah, I mean, that was it. We hung out a lot, you understand?

Was his dad there? Oh, of course his dad was there. Did you talk about the spelling thing from a couple episodes ago? Oh, you know what? We didn't get a chance to. We were so busy. There was so much going on. He actually, his dad had soul food waiting for us in the green room. You missed out, man. We had a good dinner with my uncle. I understand how you guys ate more after that. We had a whole dinner. Nigga, that shit was crazy. We were waiting on you.

They ain't want to start eating until you got there. And I was like, man, he not having it. I told them to eat without me there. The UFC was starting. I couldn't eat a second dinner in three hours with a bunch of black people. But

Bunch of surfers, man. Yeah, you know, those big surfing athletic types. If y'all want to cancel Tony, my family love that nigga, man, with the camera. They love Tony, nigga. Hell yeah. Absolutely. I did feel bad missing the fucking thing, but two Kill Tony fans were fighting at main events in the UFC this past weekend. Unfortunately, it did not turn out so well.

Thank you, Cam. You're the man. Rock and roll. Fuck yeah. Cam Patterson. You guys having fun out there? How many of you like it when people do good on this show? How many of you like it when people do bad on this show? Wow. Ruthless. Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket. Justin Landers, everybody. Justin Landers. How's everybody doing tonight? Good.

You know, my wife, she makes and sells a lot of miniatures, so we got boxes of these things around the house. And the other day I was off digging in one and I found this little bitty Lone Ranger mask. And immediately I thought, we're taking this in the bedroom, we're going to do some role playing. And at first I thought I'd just strap it on my dick and call him the armless bandit, you know. He just runs around stealing the pussy. But instead, I put it on my wife's vagina...

And I'll be damned if that thing didn't look like the Hamburglar. So I shoved a french fry in it and now she won't role play anymore. Now when I told my wife that joke, she goes, "You better not tell that shit on stage." And I go, "Why not?" She goes, "Cause I don't want a bunch of people thinking my pussy looks like a hamburger." I thought, "Well, they all kind of look like hamburgers. Some of them are double meat with lip lettuce."

I'll tell you what, I'll take mine with no pickles. She goes, I'll tell you what, you can take your no pickles and go fuck yourself. My name is Justin Landers. Thank y'all for playing along. All right, Justin Landers with a minute. Fuck yeah. Hello, Justin. How long you been doing stand-up? A year. A year. Where at?

What trailer park exactly are you doing? Washington State's where I started. Washington State, out there in the fucking real country. The Greenlands. Euphrates? Euphrates? No, we were from Centralia is where I came from. Centralia. Fuck yeah. How big were the audiences that you were performing? It's the Worcester of the North. Yeah. They were probably 30, 40 people. 30 or 40 people. I love it.

And was that the type of material you were doing? Talking about the miniatures and whatnot? Yeah. What is exactly like a miniature, like collective item? No, like miniatures, like dollhouse. Yeah, talk right into the tip of that. She makes like dollhouse furniture, food for dollhouses. So we just got these boxes of miniatures. All right. And you're still up there in the country of Washington? No, we live in Bastrop now. Okay. What are you doing for work?

I'm a welder fabricator. Okay, hell yeah. With miniatures or bigger houses? Because if they're small, you got to go bigger. Just let your wife know that that's where the money is. That's just soldering when it's that small. So you're out there welding. What else about you? What do you do for fun?

Well, anymore, I haul my son around to rodeos. He rides bulls, and I did that for about 15 years. How old's your son? 16. 16. And how long did you ride bulls for? I rode bulls for about 15 years. Wow. Look at that. Anything crazy? Big ones or little? Little. Big ones. Some miniature bulls? Yeah. They've got them. You've got to stay on eight minutes. Yeah. Yeah.

Then you just fall off out of boredom. We're going to the no-deo. All right. All right. So what are your goals with stand-up comedy? What do you think is going on here? What do you see yourself doing? Well, I started because I was 46. My son, he's 16. He's got a couple more years of school, and I was wondering what the hell I was going to do with myself, so...

I wrote a few jokes and started hitting some open mics and it worked out a little bit. Got to start opening a few shows and got about eight minutes worth of material that's pretty solid. All right. That's about where I'm at. I love that. How's the crystal meth blab going?

Have you ever tried to... What's the most hillbilly thing about you? Because I know what people from eastern Washington are like. We have some friends, the great and powerful Davey Wester, who has cerebral palsy and always has a big lip of tobacco, and it's leaking out of his... How are you? He's one of the paid regulars at the comedy store, and I could see a little bit of him in you. I see that maybe it was a grandfather or someone really close in your generation

genealogy fucked a family member. That's what they do there. Tell the people that I'm not making this up. That is what it's like. It's basically, as you can tell, Billy Bob Thornton here looks like one of the fucking half a devil's reject. There you go. Like the purgatory reject or something like that. Damn.

So what's something white trash about you? Something white trash about me? Well, I've lived in trailer parks. I sound like this. That's one of the big ones for sure. And I've been poor and broke most of my life, so there you go. Hell yeah. I love it. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Not since your rodeo days are behind you. Oh, anymore? I just...

hang out with my wife and my kids mostly how long you been with your wife 17 years wow what is it how do you how do you stay uh erect while fucking her after 17 years

Is there something you imagine? Is there something about her that drives you crazy? I'm interested. No, she still works for me. She's all good. She works for you. So the role play, that was just something you were trying? Yeah. That wasn't... Well, I seen the mask. Yeah, do something, right? Do you ever put your... Are you ever so sick of fucking your wife that you use the welder's mask when you're fucking her? No, but I put on a pair of chaps before, so... Whoa. Hey, that's a normal Wednesday night for me. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Dude, you might get some more noises out of her if you brought a blowtorch into the bedroom. Yeah, yeah. That's a big Washington angle. Yeah. Oh, here she is right now. His lovely wife. There she is. Thank you. Thank you. All right, Justin. Well, hell yeah. We have another one, right? I feel like there's something more, though. I feel like there's something I'm missing about you here.

You ever almost die or save anybody's life or anything like that? Yeah, I've almost died several times. Yeah, let's hear about some of those. That's what I'm kind of wanting to... They were all bull riding stuff. I got jerked down so hard one time when a bull hit me on the end of the chin, the back of my head, slapped the middle of my back. Hold on, I'm hard as a rock right now. You have to slow down. You almost made me cum in my pants just then. I'm sorry, because on this show, I'm gay, everybody. I'm moving on for miniatures.

You remind me of me if I did something really bad once. You look like I could have gone that angle. Yep, 100%. That was you trying crystal meth one time. Parks and Rec or meth? Parks and Rec or Parks and Meth? Parks and Meth. Meth in a park.

You ever do a crazy drug? You seem like you maybe have skipped the hard stuff and just gone straight to sniffing like a normally legal substance. I've tried a little bit of everything, but anymore I narrow it down to hallucinogens and weed like everybody else. I've got a lot of fans out there. I love it. So is glue involved with miniatures? No.

Miniatures, no glue? No, not for me. No Elmers or just Elmer, a neighbor? Just testers model glue, huh? Rubber cement? Not for me. Keyboard cleaner? Computer keyboard cleaner? These are all really white trash drugs you're throwing at me, huh? Goddamn. Look, I don't know what led us to even go down that road. Yeah.

Fentanyl? You ever do any fentanyl? No. I don't know if I'm trying to ask for no fentanyl. You ever drink water? Mm-hmm. Seems like you're like strictly Mountain Dew or something like that is the energy that I'm like, like you have. Is your boy winning? Does he do good out there? Yeah, he does alright. Do you take a piece of it? Take a piece of it. A piece of the money? If he's making money? I don't take his money. A piece of the belt buckle? No.

Yeah, I got one of his vocals. Oh, shit. Wow. Look at that. There it was. That was the moment where I came in my pants, everybody. All right, Justin. Fun times. Here's a little joke book. Thank you. Justin Landers, everybody. You gave him the miniature. Yeah, he's getting a miniature, Kirk said. A miniature joke book.

Alright, this looks like a new name. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Frank Awasika. Frank Awasika. Or Awasika. So, when I was younger, I used to have a lot of trouble talking to pretty girls. To my uncle, he told me, they're just living, breathing, shitting human beings, just like you. But now every time I talk to a woman, I picture them taking a shit. laughter laughter

Why do y'all eat so much corn? If you couldn't tell by that ass joke, I am a virgin. Yup, vaginas have a long history of ducking me. I was a C-section. Yeah, I joke about it now, but I'll tell you what, that one hurts me the most. I was trying to get into that pussy for like nine months. All that and the doctor just cock-blocked me, bro.

He pulled me out of there and he was like, I was like, "Man, what the heck?" And he was like, "Man, I had to get you out of there. "Your head is huge and she's been pushing for like 72 hours. "And there's corn all over my operating table." - Okay, Frank Awosika. By far one of the funniest floating pink hats we've ever had on the show before. Absolutely incredible. I've never seen a pink hat do an entire 60 second set like that before. That was amazing.

Frank, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up? A few years now. Okay, where at? Mostly here in Austin. Here in Austin. Is this where you were born and raised? No. I was born and raised in Houston, Texas. Houston, Texas. Hell yeah. A lot of fans of Houston here. Are you really a virgin? Yes and no. Can you give us an explanation on exactly what you mean? Okay. Okay.

At this time I'm writing the joke. Whenever people ask me that question, I kind of sideways it, right? Because the term "virgin" is a social construct, I guess you could say. So whenever you guys ask me about it, you're talking about like, "Oh, has he been in some punani?" But whenever I say I'm a virgin, I'm talking about alcohol. Like I don't drink alcohol. Wait, what?

I'm a virgin to alcohol. At least when I wrote that joke. Yeah, that's... Wait, what? What the fuck just happened? Yeah, that's crazy. You admitted to a totally different thing that had nothing to do with the C-section. So have you been inside of a woman or a man or anything before? Are you a virgin? No.

These are real personal questions you're asking me, Tony. Hell yeah. I don't know what show you thought you signed up for, but you're in it. It's not all corn and games. Yeah. Exactly. This is the real deal. I mean, you mentioned it. You talked about it during your set. So I'm just going back to try to figure out what else we could talk about. I've been in some pussy, yeah. Hell yeah. How old are you? I'm 26. 26 years old. What do you do for work?

Now fuck pussy. Well, uh... There's many twists and turns. I recently had a change of occupations, and right now my main source of income is poker. Poker? Yeah. Okay. But it's also my main source of debt, so... What are we talking about? How much do you spend, or how many hours do you spend playing poker? Uh, too much, too much. Uh, maybe like...

Seven, eight hours a day. A day? So you're online? Most of the time. Right. So, wow. Even talking to him, he doesn't want to tell you what he has. Yeah. I don't like to...

Give out personal information. You're keeping your cards very close to your chest. That's good for comedy. You're going to go places. Yeah. Hold it all in and make up shit. Make them guess. Make them figure out my joke on the river. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. So tell us more about you. What can you talk about, Frank Awosika? What do you do for fun? Tell us more about Frank.

I like to play... What do I like to do for fun? Hold on. Last time you asked me this question, right? Oh, you've been on this show before? Yeah. Oh, you have a big joke book. Wow. How do I not remember you? What's under the pink hat? He won that in a poker game. I like to play basketball. What? What? I like to play basketball. Why'd you look at your... He wrote it down to remember that.

Wait, let me see what I like to play. Fucking basketball. I'm a basketball player, my friend. Frank, you're an interesting character. Yeah, I try to be. So I asked you what you do, but I feel like we got off track. You switched occupations. What is it now? Poker. And what was it then? You said you switched occupations. Well, I didn't switch. I got into LMS at my last job. I got into a bit of an altercation. Okay, tell us about that. Okay.

So, all right. So it's not that serious. It's a wee bit of a... Just tell us the story. We'll decide if it's serious and everything else. What happened? Where were you at? What kind of job was this? I'm waiting these tables, right? A waiter at a restaurant. A middle-aged woman comes in. She has short hair, a business suit. Karen. Karen. You could say that. She looks kind of like Jamie Lee Curtis, but imagine she always had a rock in her shoe. Oh, God.

Yeah, she comes in and she, everything's all right, right? She's wearing a suit. I'm like, all right, you can have a seat. And everything's normal. It's business casual. And she orders a lobster and great choice because the tip on that is like $8 at the time. So, you know, I'm already liking her. The tip on that is like $8. And then, okay, long story short, I get her the food. Never thought I'd miss miniatures. All right.

- Fuck. - Long story, okay. So we get her the food, right? And not even 10 minutes goes by and-- - Oh, it's gone by. - Not even 10 minutes goes by and then she's like, "Excuse me, right, I have to go." She's like, "I'd like to check." And I was like, "Oh, I hope everything's okay." She's like, "Yeah, no, I just have to get out of here." - Damn it. Yeah, keep going.

So... She's like, yeah, no, no, I just have to get out of here. And I was like, okay, well, I can get you a doggy bag. She's like, no, no, no, it's okay, I'm not going to finish it. You call it a doggy bag or a to-go box? Doggy bag. Okay, all right, you're going down treacherous territories. Here, go ahead. And she goes, no, no, no, it's okay, I would just like to check. So I slapped her across the face. What?

Really? I said you gotta get your shit together, Sharon. You can't be wasting all this food. There's starving kids in Africa. Okay, so you're like joking right now? Yeah, I'm joking right now. Okay, so what really happened? I didn't work. I was not a waiter. I worked at a... Oh, God. All right, there he goes. Frank Awosika, everybody. Not his best night. Hell yeah, it's all good. It's all good. It's all good. It happens to everybody. Frank Awosika, everybody. There he goes. All right.

Absolutely. There goes Frank, everyone. Yikes. Maybe it's low blood sugar. These people tend to get diabetes and whatnot, so it could be anything. Let's not judge a book by its cover. I feel I just got diabetes. It could be a medical event or something like that. That's all just bizarre. Can you imagine playing poker with him? Everyone would just fold. It's so easy. If you're in the interview part of this show, all you have to do is answer the questions honestly, and you can end up looking good, but...

Yikes. Whatever that was. All right. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. You guys said you like it when people do bad, so I don't feel bad for you guys at all. Your next bucket poll, anything can happen. This looks like a new name. One word name. We love those. Make some noise for Chen, everybody. Let's see what happens with Chen. The Kill Tony debut, I do believe, of Chen. It is indeed Chen, everybody. Come on. Make some noise for Chen, everyone. Come on.

Hello, hello. So Christmas is upon us. It's a season for gifts and well, Jesus too, right? And so then you have to think about the different kind of gifts that we get and well,

The one gift that always irked me was something like the gift of life, because the person who mentions it usually follows it up with what you owe them. You know, when you go to church, they talk about the gift of life. When you go visit your mom, she's like, I gave you the gift of life, so you owe me.

But the thing with these kind of gifts is like, I didn't ask for it. I'm just given it. And by the time I'm already here, it's already too late. So, I don't know. So gifts are these kind of things.

Okay. Chen, everybody. Absolutely. All right. Let's talk about it, Chen. Fuck yeah. I love it. You are a, are you an Asian woman? What's going on here exactly? I don't know exactly. I don't know what they are right now. Oh man. What's going on, Chen? I'm just kidding. How are you? You okay?

Is this your first time doing stand-up? No, I actually... Oh, okay. Well, first time doing stand-up, but this is not my first mic. Right. Yes. And about the previous question, I'm actually trans, but the thing is, I'm not like one of those that force people to call me like pronouns because I think that's just wrong. Which direction are you going in, trans? I don't even know where you started and where you're going. Okay.

I don't know if that's a rude question. Quite honestly, this is Kill Tony and I can say whatever I want. So I have no regrets here. But I'm really, you're, you're, you're, I really have no, it could go either way right now. The pronoun now would be a crapshoot, right?

I'm actually going for male to female. Okay, male to female. Beautiful, beautiful. I love it. It's stunning. No, it's great. No, you're very pretty. It is. It's amazing. Well, you're on the right track. Red band is two shots of tequila away from fucking the shit out of you. I mean, the beer goggles are really helping around this scene, actually. I love it. So...

Chen, that's great. This is all good to find out. I love it. So when did you realize that you were a woman or feel like you were a woman? When did that start? How old are you? Right now I'm 32 actually. 32. So when does it start for you? When I was young, I... Well, it's not... So... Okay, okay, okay. Okay.

This is one of those really weird ones because when you look at people who became trans a lot of times it's people who Strongly want to be a woman when they first started out, but I'm not like that It's more like

First of all, I'm okay with being a boy but I don't want to be a man. You're okay with being a boy but you don't want to be a man? Yes. Are you sure you're on the right track? Well, and also, I don't have the desire to dominate things either. In fact, I'm actually submissive, but that's another topic. Ooh, Red Band. Look how excited Red Band is.

Submissive? And, um... And, um... Well... And I also like cute and soft things. You like what? I like cute and soft things too. Okay. I'm right here. Hell yeah. And I think we're all about as soft as it gets right now. And personally, you're close enough. Well, thank you. That means a lot to me. Mm-hmm.

So what are we at here? You thinking about turning your egg roll into a rice bowl? What's going on here? What are we talking about? Let's get into the... Well, look, look. The first time I came to Kill Tony was when I was... September 4th, actually. Of this year? Of this year, yes. You were on the show? No, I was in the audience. Oh, I was going to say, your transition's going really well because I do not remember you at all.

September 4th, you were in the audience. Yes, and it captivated me, and I'm here for the violence. So don't go easy on me. Okay, all right. I was told this before by a former opener in Dallas. You're a passive who wants it hard. And I'm also submissive, and I like paying, so, you know. Okay, back to submissive. You're really pushing this. You're basically using the show as a dating app right now.

I love it. So you started your set with Hello, Hello. Is that a trademark, do you think, moving forward? Well, not yet, but if it is something that I'm subconsciously doing, I might as well make it. Okay. Now you're wearing a Dungeons and Dragons hoodie. So let's just jump right into that. Are you a pro player?

Actually, no. Someone's very upset about that. They had very high expectations for your Dungeons & Dragons. However, I do play Dungeons & Dragons online, and I also played older games. You also play a little Dungeons & Fagons, you know what I'm saying? I can promise you Dungeons, but not so much Dragons. Right, I bet there is indeed the old brown dungeon over there. Very submissive, if you will. I'd love to see your avatar.

What are you, a cleric or what are you? I'm actually a druid. Oh, wow. Redman is all about it. So, yeah, you got quirky spells. I like nature things, but I mix in fire and holy at the same time. Wow. I mean, I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. It's unbelievable. Wow.

It's very interesting. Do you also play Magic the Gathering? Actually, that one I do play. Yes, wow, we are shocked. Wow, I do believe the crowd goes wild in absolute shock and horror. Nobody saw it coming. You do? Actually, Tony, I do. I love the dramatic pause there.

Wow, tell us more. Rattle off some more nerd things about you. It's very interesting. Well, I play World of Warcraft with my friends. Oh my god, hit it again. Hit it again. Hit it again. Tell us something else. Hard mode? Actually... Do you play in expert mode? Expert mode? Do you play most games in expert mode?

- No. - Oh, well, actually I am surprised at that one. - Because I'm actually more American than Asian, so if you have expectations of me carrying the whole party-- - What kind of American are you, Native American? I'm not exactly sure. All right. - Believe it or not, I'm actually born from Wuhan. - Oh. - Which is unfortunate. - Wow, and I think you're gonna end up in a laboratory. - I saw that, I saw that.

I can tell. I spent a month there. There's many things to talk about, but...

Oh, we have time. Yeah. No, we do. You're going to have an extra long interview here, no doubt about it. Very compelling story. So tell us more about this transitioning adventure. What are some things you do to be more, if you're becoming more ladylike or some goals for you or whatever? Are you basically just saying anyone can fuck you at any time in your asshole? Well, I am bi, so, you know, but...

How often do you hook up with women? And when you do, do you consider that like a lesbian relationship? Do you have them like eat out where your balls are?

I don't know. These are my questions. Welcome to Texas. This is figuring out trans in Texas. So Tony. Trans Texas Tony. Triple T. So actually I've only been with one woman before. One woman. I like how you used plural there. I don't believe you. I've only been with one woman. Did it identify as multiple women?

No, she was an exchange student. You really are goddamn American. Look at that, pounding out an exchange student. She got her citizenship and I guess I wasn't as successful as she wanted, so it didn't work out. That makes sense. So you put your wiener in her pee-pee hole? No, she's a girl. Right, but I'm saying you put your penis in her vagina? Used to, yeah.

I've already forgotten what direction you're going in. Right. Which way is the transition? You used to, but now you don't. Why don't you? You can't. I don't think having sex with your ex-wife's vagina is part of the alimony. So it was your wife? She was my wife at one point. This is great. We're figuring out a riddle while doing an interview at the same time. Well, Tony...

The reason why I don't put the penis in the vagina is because it's my ex-wife. Oh, look who's back. Famous homophobe, D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Just in time for your worst nightmare, D. We've been missing your scoffs and earplugs for minutes over here. You're going to love this one, D. Let's just say we got a she madness trying to turn into a he madness or some shit like that.

The other way, but yes. Have you practiced your woman voice yet? I actually looked into it today. Let's hear it. How many of you want to hear a little bit of... All right. Here she is. Chen, everybody. Oh, I'm more American than I am Asian.

I went to a laundry the other day and I'm like, oh, this is so much fun because I'm a lady. I love being lady. I'm going to cook spaghetti better than the other guy. I sell lo mein noodle out of my pants. All right. I'm sorry. We'll edit that out. Don't cancel me. No, no, no. It's fine. It's pretty funny. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And...

Look, look, I actually haven't been practicing my woman voice. Oh. Let's hear it, though. Let's hear what you think. Come on, let's just try a little bit. I can do it. It doesn't work because it only works... I was born of a dog. I am a woman. Ladylike. I'm a druid. No, Tony. I'm trying to...

Tony, my women voice only, right now my women voice only comes out when I have sex, so. Oh, shit. So I can't really. Michael, shove your helmet up his ass real quick. Guess what I came back for? D Madness is officially freaking out. That's if you're wondering. He doesn't have a mic on, so I'll keep you guys posted. You might still be.

You know? It's true. It's true. Tony. Okay, so Chen, so your lady voice only happens when you're having sex? Yes, unfortunately. Okay. But what else is happening? What are some things you do? Do you get dressed up as a woman? Do you have dresses and stuff? Not publicly, because I don't want to make people uncomfortable.

You don't want to make people uncomfortable. I'm like a really considerate trans person. Yeah, but you're really pretty. Let me ask you this. Hold on a second because you just said something really interesting. You just said you're a considerate trans. Yes. Right? So are you saying that other trans people are inconsiderate for being so blatant and overly annoying about their stance on everything?

You think that they're being inconsiderate? You, with your powerful voice in the absolute field? Well, the way I see it is that until I become passable, I'm not going to push myself on people. Okay. Yeah. And why do you think so many other unpassable people try? Hey, I'm here. This is the interview. Idiot meets trans person live. Well...

Egg roll into a rice ball? No. No.

It's something like this. It's actually really hard to be a guy, if you think about it. I've been saying that my whole life. I've been really struggling with it. Yeah, go on. Now you're talking. So, I know it was hard to be a guy, but I didn't have the words for it until I saw this channel called HoMath on YouTube. It's actually pretty good. Okay, tell us more. Go on. HoMath? HoMath. Yes, it's a...

it's good stuff. And he mentioned that so for when, and this is almost too simple, but for guys, guys value looks, value like personality, and then maybe share some hobbies, right? But what

But for women, when they look at guys, your ability to provide goes on the nice value, but your ability to be mean but also be dominating goes on the bad boy scale. So for a man to be desirable, they both have to have the ability to provide, but they also have to have the ability to dominate and also make her feel, I guess, wanted, I guess.

Yeah, and I was thinking the same thing. That's me fucking, you're right on. And it's one of those things where once you become trans, where you look at the world from both the men's perspective and the women's. Okay, I'm going to be honest with you. I almost said dude, but I stopped myself.

I got so ADHD during your explanation of that that I literally started thinking about the song ADHD from the guy that makes spaghetti out of his, what he called industrial-sized apartment, which I'm pretty sure is a fucking janitor's closet. Okay. I love it. Any other fun facts about Chen that we should know? Well, there are actually plenty. My...

So when I was in the audience, like everyone here, I made a promise that I wanted to be good on stage because I saw the basses here. Oh my God. No, no, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Oh my God. What is about to happen right now? Because, look...

Look, comedy is the antitoxin to social media if you really think about it. Because if you look at social media, people are like having fantastic lives all the time, right? But in comedy, people bomb a lot of times. So you realize that life is not as good as social media, but it's also not as bad as

you know, stand-up comedy. Transitioning is complicated. Yeah, it really is. It really is. But...

Well, Chen, a very, very interesting interview. I'm going to give you a big joke book because I like the interview. Thank you. Fun stuff. Here you go. Ooh, catches like a man. Shit. There goes Chen, everybody. You're going to get a jail blaster as well. Absolutely. She bows. I'm going to be honest.

I don't know if you guys noticed that, there's a little Asian left in her. All right, we're going back to the bucket. Make some noise for Sam Castillo, everybody. Sam Castillo. Just got out of a long relationship. It's hard to move on, you know? It's hard to forget her, 'cause she's from India, so all my clothes still smell like her food. Yeah.

It's a very loving home, but you know, it's rough. I remember when I met her family, everyone in her family were arranged marriages. And they told us, "If you guys get married, you're gonna be the first ever love marriage in our family." I said, "Same for mine." Now I'm dating again. I'm a recovering drug addict. Dating sober is difficult. Sex is sober is difficult, 'cause you actually have to like, be there, you know?

You can't just phone it in drunk. It took me two and a half hours to come the other night, and this girl was like, "Oh my God, you have so much stamina." I was like, "No, I just don't love you." It's difficult. This girl was like, "I get addiction. I'm addicted to spin class." I was like, "I've never stolen from my family to ride a bike that goes nowhere." Yeah, that... All right, thank you. Guys, give it up for Sam Castillo.

Hi. Hey. Welcome to the show. Where is everybody? Sam, how long have you been doing comedy for? About five years. Five years here in Austin, Texas? Yeah, I started here. Cool. What was your first car? My first car? It was a GMC truck. Wow. Did you get a hand-me-down or did you save up for it? Yeah, it was a hand-me-down.

what do you think about this guy? You know, it's interesting. So Indian food. Indian food. Yikes. You suck, dude. No, I'm kidding. I didn't see anything. How did it go? Do it again. One, two, three, four. No? Okay. Holy shit. What the fuck are you, dude? What?

What did I miss? How do you think it went if you had to update me? I got two, a double bag of IV drip today from our good friends over at Connect Mobile Health. Went for the double bag. And it turns out you get one of those and drink and drink water. Sometimes you just, I had to make a choice. Either I pee or I pee my pants. I have a feeling I would not have peed my pants by the sound of the audience during your set though.

So you're recovering from what? What's your drug? Oh, one of my drugs of choice? You said you're a pill addict. Yeah. What was it? Pills. I was addicted to everything pill-wise. Mainly benzos. They had pills on the Shire? Yeah. I was addicted to Xanax was the main one. I was also a coke addict. I was also an alcoholic. Nice. Tell us about your wildest night. Wildest one? Uh...

I just got a public intoxication two days after getting a minor in possession. It was like my first week here. That was when I was... The minor possession, you were with a young girl? Yeah. Yeah. A miniature, as we call them? Yeah. Are you transitioning? I just got done. Your hair is transitioning for sure. What was the last comic? Went from a Bilbo to a Frodo. All right.

I love it. What do you do for work? I'm a line cook. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? About like five years. Five years. All of it in Austin? Yeah. Okay. How's it going for you? It's going pretty good. What was your best joke tonight? Do it again. Best joke tonight was, let's see. When you're sober, you actually have to have sober sex with somebody. It's difficult to like, you have to be there. You can't just fake it drunk.

The other day I had sex, it took me two hours to come, and this girl was like, "Wow, you have a lot of stamina." I just told her, "No, I just don't love you." - I liked it better the first time. - Well, I'm sorry. - Did it get a laugh the first time? Okay. - Thank you guys. - Oh, thank you.

Thanks for being there for me. How old are you? I just turned 30. What do you do for fun? I just started boxing. It's a lot of fun. All right, put the mic in the mic stand. Let's get a spotlight and let's see a little bit about boxing. You got some boxing for me, Matt Muehling? All right, look out that way. Don't look at me in box. All right, here he goes. He's boxing. Oh, shit. Wow. Absolutely terrible. All right.

Horrific. You have to get your right hand up. You don't remember them telling you that? Whoa, you almost hit yourself there. Oh, shit. You're beating the shit out of yourself. Whoa.

Oh my God. Oh, you're literally the worst boxer I've ever seen. I mean, literally. I'm like three weeks in. Have you started? I'm like three weeks into it. Wow. At a gym? At a boxing gym? Yeah. You go to a boxing gym for the last three weeks and that's where you're at right now? That's what you came out with.

I'm like boxing no one. It's fundamentally the weakest boxing I've ever seen. I know. And you're paying for that? To get your hands up. Yeah, that looks like a free lesson. Do you have any idea how many times you would have gotten hit in the face by anybody using that form in any, not only boxing, but even any fight whatsoever? Yeah, I would have been fucked up. Yeah. I know a guy that makes spaghetti would have beat the shit out of you, dude.

That's all I'm going to say about that. Biggest fun fact about your life that we would find interesting? Your entire life, 30 years. I'm an identical twin. Is he a drug addict also? No, no, he's a naval officer. How do you think you guys ended up so different? Just our parents who really pushed us in different life paths, you know? Give us an example of what you mean by that.

My dad's just like a... He had to go to quote-ordered anger management therapy. He was just a real crazy guy. I was like his therapist. He just kind of like... Do you get angry now too sometimes? Now 30 years old, you think you have a little spark of that in your... Yeah, I work on it. Yeah, what's the last time you got really angry? Can you tell us about that? Did you hit someone? I'm going to show you. Fuckin' day. Fuckin' day.

Do you have any idea how much lower I can keep my hands? You fight like the Notre Dame logo. Sucker and Suckatash. Do you want a piece of this? Huh? All right. The fuck was my last question? Oh, last time I got really angry? Yeah, come on. Tell us about it. I had a bit of road rage. I have a bit of a road rage problem. But I mean a specific time. A good angry time.

I like, oh, I guess I fist fought my dad recently. Well, a couple of weeks, months ago. Fist bumped? Fist fought. Okay, let's talk about that. Shit, man. Please. So how does it start? Take us from the very beginning. Uh,

My dad was just like, just give me a hard time about my life. Like what? What is he saying? Try to be specific. It doesn't have to be funny. I had gotten out of a relationship. He's like, you got a roommate at 30. You're breaking even when you feature on the road. You're a loser. I'm like, yeah, I know. What does your dad do? He's a superintendent for construction sites. So he builds high rises. Right. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. So he's talking shit to you about being an artist. Are you making a little bit of money at all? I'm paying about half my bills with comedy. So no. Do you live with them? No. Right. You live on your own. I got a roommate right now. Right. Yeah. Okay. So he started... Boxing instructor? What's that? Is your roommate a boxing instructor? No, no. So he pays the rent? He's a therapist. Okay. Okay.

So, your dad is telling you that you're just breaking even, featuring on the road, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you say what? You never chased your dreams, dad. Well, he was a failed actor, so I told him you're a failed fucking actor. Oh, by the way. If you guys don't know, because I know there's some Texans here, maybe you don't know this, but if you're a failed actor, there is nothing worse in the world than being called a failed actor.

It's an unbelievable thing. A failed actor is a rare, rare bird because they have to depend on other people to hire them for a specific thing. And a failed actor with a failed son, I mean, fuck. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That's when it starts adding up. You just fuck. Yeah.

And you have to realize... And you guys fought. I would have liked to have seen that fight. Oh, yeah. We're getting to it. We're almost there. But let me just tell you, let me just tell you, because I know this, but like failed actors have a thing where like they go their whole lives so they'll see, you know, fucking movies with great actors and they go, they think to themselves, I could have done that. What kind of look does he have?

He's got like a jet black mustache. I'm half Mexican, so he's just got like full hairy forearms. He looks like El Chapo. He's very chubby. Oh, okay. Very chubby. And he really tried to act for a while. He tried hard? Yeah, he was like a stage actor. Like was a thespian and whatnot. Went to college for it. And now he's a construction superintendent and you're chasing your dreams. Yeah. It's okay. So you called him a failed actor and then he lunges at you?

He told me I was gonna die alone. Ooh, I love that one. That's actually one of my favorite insults to use on my children that I hate. Yeah. I'm kidding. I don't have kids, but I would. If you were my kid, I would say that. Thank you.

Okay. He says you're going to die alone. And then what do you say to him? I just was smart. I said, just go. I'm going to fucking die with roommates. You know? It's even worse. That's amazing. I like that. I love it. You just talk harder. You talk deeper shit about how sad it is. I'm going to die with fucking roommates. Yeah. Cold ramen noodles on my lap, bro. With a fucking empty Pop-Tart wrapper at my feet. Missed.

Missing one sock for some reason. That's how I'm gonna die. All right, so then what happens? And so then... He's like, put down your dukes. And then my mom starts to, like, cry, and so we... Oh, hell yeah. So then we, like, get a few swings in, we stop, and we stop. But no one connected, right?

Just body shots, for sure. Even though your head fully exposed. I mean, absolutely incredible. So when was this fight? It was a few months ago. Right, so you're like, fuck this. Dad got the best of me. I'm going to the boxing gym. Fuck.

I'll be ready next time. You and your dad have a rocky relationship. We're good now, kind of. The one that made me push into boxing was I fist fought my brother and he knocked over the Christmas tree. And so that's why I started boxing. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.

So you fought your brother. I also fought my brother. Your twin brother? Yeah. Oh, my God. A battle of the titans. He can really fuck me up. Yeah. Yeah. He went into the Navy and you went into the fucking... Nothing. Right. Wow. Did he knock over the tree trying to hit you? Yeah, he was pretty drunk. And he spun around and knocked over the tree. Fuck. All right, Sam. Well, I honestly have no idea what happened during your set. I'm sorry.

I went pee for the first time in absolute years during somebody's set. But you're still getting a little joke book. There he goes, Sam Castillo, everybody. I don't think I can do the double bag of the IV anymore before a show. - You need a little pee bag under the table. - I think we need a pee bag. Yoni, order pee bags. - Yoni! - "Thy shall piss in thy throne from here on out, for I almost soiled my shorts on this day."

All right. Back to the show. And we're back. Hello, everybody. All right. Red band saying this should be the last bucket pool of the night. We started a little late. I don't know. Make some noise for 60 seconds uninterrupted from Bill Rhodes, everybody. Bill Rhodes. Shorten the shit, baby. We'll just take this up here.

Good evening, everybody. I am Bill Rhodes, the foul-mouthed teacher. I am actually a teacher, which is kind of fucked up because as a college student, I was absolutely horrible.

If you pull up my high school transcripts, you can see that this young lady right here is not the only one with 34 C's in this room. Before I became a teacher, I worked in the prison system for a long time. I was a riot team commander, a captain, and I felt like I needed something more dangerous, something more exciting in my life, so I started teaching middle school.

The more I worked with inmates and students, I realized there's a lot of parallels, right? So constantly I heard just constantly bitching about like the cafeteria food, how horrible it was. I was constantly telling them to walk on the right side of the hallway. And the only way to get fired is to fight one or fuck one, right? And even then I feel like I'd just get shipped to another campus. Thank you. I'm Bill Rhodes. That's my time.

Bill Rose. Okay. Hi, Bill. How are you? Hey, Tony. How are you? Great. So you're really a middle school teacher? Unfortunately, yes. Fuck yeah. Are you one of those, like, what's that show? Like, Scared to Death or something like that? Scared to Straight. Yeah, Scared to Straight. Get your fucking shirt together. Constantly. What? Constantly. Okay. Okay.

I love it. Where are you doing this middle school teaching at? In a little big town called Hutto, Texas. I'll probably get fired for saying that. Thank you. Go Hippos.

There you go. You know hippos, right? You guys are the hippos? Yeah, that's correct. How the fuck did you know that? That's where I live. For real? Yeah, like I literally, I live more in Huda than... You live in the home of the hippos? Yeah. You're a hippo that has a home in the home of the hippos? Don't tell anybody I was here, please. I mean, it's on the internet.

I love it. Okay, Bill Rhodes, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? About two and a half months. Okay. What made you want to start doing this? I have to entertain seventh graders constantly, so I figure if I could...

I don't know. I feel like I could juggle on a unicycle, and sometimes kids don't get it, so I had to step up my game and do something better to get the attention of people, specifically kids. Could you juggle on a unicycle? God, no. I'm bad as fuck. I have no coordination whatsoever. Right. Can I say one thing to any man? Yeah, absolutely. Parallel.

It's one word, one word, right? Are you an English teacher? I am a history teacher. Okay. I'm just letting you know, you know, parallel. Let me tell you where the history of the word parallel comes from. You said a para- a para-lel. Correct.

Incorrect. Say it again. Parallel. Parallel. Parallel. Parallel. I'm not a math teacher. It wouldn't be math either. We're going down. We're going down a lonely road here. I'm not a gym teacher, Tony. I love it. Okay. I'm not an intelligent teacher. Okay.

Slightly smarter than a middle schooler. C's get degrees. What? C's get degrees. C's get degrees. Okay. Absolutely. Mediocrity all the way. I love it. Is that where you're from, Bill?

I'm from Taylor Thrall in that area close to Hutto. Do you have like a motorcycle or something like that? Why do you look like... I kind of look like someone from Sons of Anarchy butt fuck someone from Duck Dynasty in a Walmart bathroom. There you go. But no. Sure. I feel like most of your students will end up in prison. And I would be the first person to send them money for ramen noodles.

I love my kids. Okay, hold on here, Bill. Let's slow it down. What is your secret double life? Because there's definitely something going on. You have like a leather mask that you wear on weekends or something like that? I'm boring as shit. I'm boring. I have three kids that I had custody of for most of my life and recently remarried. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's just slow it down. You said that you have three kids who you had custody of most of your life. You still have custody of them? I do. Oh, okay. Okay.

Mom had like the internet and did other things. What do you mean? She left. And what did she do? Left me with three kids. I don't care. Right. You didn't follow up at all? No. My kids are with me. Right. Do you know where she is? She is, I don't know, wherever some guy on the internet was from. Right. How do you know she left you for some guy on the internet? She told you that? Kind of. Right. Tell us more.

When I worked at a prison, I worked long nights all the time, and I came home, and one day she just decided she didn't want to be there anymore. Did she leave a letter or something? No, she was there. She told you in person? Yeah, she was like, I'm out like a fat kid in dodgeball. She said that? Yeah, for real. Were you already a middle school teacher when she said that? I was a high school teacher at that time. Okay.

And you were once the fat kid playing dodgeball, weren't you? I am still the fat kid playing dodgeball. Right. Absolutely. Okay, so how old are your kids? My youngest is 15. My boys are... It's my daughter. If I can have one, that's it. And my boys are 19 and 20. Wow, 19 and 20. Are they built like accountant beefcakes as well? My younger son is. He looks like he didn't have a mom like he fell right out of my ass. Oh, okay. Okay.

He looks like he didn't have a mom, you said? Yeah, for real. He didn't. There you go. She left pretty quick. How did you overcompensate for them not having a mom? Did you do some, like, Mrs. Doubtfire shit at all? I bought a Jeep Wrangler. Okay. No, I used to take my daughter to get, like, pedicures, manicures, stuff like that. And, uh...

Just, you know. You're a good daddy. He stepped up. Look at that. He stepped up. That lady said. Was that Chen? Is Chen sitting back out there? It's Chen. Yeah, well, I'd be concerned because if Chen's doing his woman's voice, you know what that means. Oh, my goodness. It smells like a Wuhan lab leak back there.

All right. Bill Rhodes. Wow. Interesting. So what's your love life like now? What are you into? I'm coming up on my fourth year of marriage. Oh, congratulations. You found a second wife. I did. And my wife, she had never been married, no kids. So my daughter finally has somebody to not hate in the house. Interesting. Do you keep your new wife off the internet? I actually wasn't big on the internet until I met her.

Okay. And then what changed? I became a teacher.

I don't know. I worked in the prison system for a long time. I just didn't have time. And when I became a teacher, I had... What did you do in the prison system? I was a riot team commander. Like, I beat people up for a living. You catch a lot of guys butt raping other men in prison? I actually did. Yeah. You didn't? I did. You did? Actually, yeah. Can you explain to the people what that's like? So... Slowly. Slowly. Red band, hand lotion. When a daddy and a daddy love each other very much. No. That's parallel. Yeah. Parallel. Parallel-le-le-le.

No, I mean, I walked into the barbershop and saw one guy, you know. Doing what? Doing his hair? Yeah. He was getting his wang mouthified. Like, they were earning barber credit. What was that? They were earning barber credit. Okay. It's prison talk, sorry. All right. They call it barber credit, not blowjob credit. It was a blowjob. He was sucking his dick for haircuts.

That's where the money is. Craziest thing you've seen happen as a middle school teacher. Why all this thing that surprised you that you've seen these rabble-rousing kids nowadays up to in the classroom? I had a kid for an entire year fake that he had Tourette's Syndrome. Oh, shit. And he would, like, yell shit out. Gene!

That's going to be the fucking smartest kid you ever taught. Oh, yeah, that's genius. I have Tourette's syndrome. I used to have the little twitches and stuff, so I fell in love with this kid. I'm like, oh, you know, I'm going to be... Oh, my God. Hold on. Stop. Slow down. What are his tics?

So his tics are like, boy, Ann sure has some big titties. And these are people in the classroom. I have that tic. In the classroom. Oh my God, he's a genius. Are you aware that he's a genius? I didn't know until after spring break when I called his mom. And she was like, what Tourette syndrome? It works in a barbershop now.

Oh my God, this kid's gonna be the president of the United States one day. That's hilarious. He'll be the next old, white, rich, racist rapist in the White House. Oh my God. So he would just say things that he wanted to... He would just say things that he wanted to... Say. Say. Yeah, and he pretended like it was a medical condition. And not only did he not get in trouble, but you're like, it's okay. You're all good, buddy.

It's okay, Bailey. I'm the dumbass that didn't call mom. Oh, my God. Was he doing it? Did you end up talking with teachers about it, or were you too embarrassed? Were you the only one that fell for it? I was his advocate. I was like, I have turrets in two guys. You have to give him a chance. And he was like, let me suck on them titties.

That's awesome. Oh my god. I'm honestly jealous of this kid that I didn't think of that when I was in middle school. I tried to get him moved to honors. It really is. I'm serious. That's a fucking sign of intelligence. How were the titties though? Be honest. You're like, okay. They were seventh grade. I'm not allowed to say. Right. All right. Tell me after.

You would be. You would be the most ruthless. If there was a video game of pedophiles, you would be the final boss. There's no doubt about it. It's like, oh, you got to deal with Mr. Rhodes, the middle school teacher. Come here, kid. I'm going to fuck the shit out of you. Oh, yeah. 15 years working in prison, then he went to an elementary school. You think you're going to get through my prison riot experience?

Does it hurt when I touch you there? Oh, there you go. Look, he jumps right in with the son of a bitch. All right, Bill Rhodes. Fun times, my friend. You're chasing a wild dream. We're going to bleep the fucking school system that you mentioned. That's all right. I'm trying to get fired. I need something else. Okay, well, then we will leave it in. Just be you, man. You're on track.

Thanks, Mom. There he goes. Thank you, guys. Bill Rhodes, everybody. Bill Rhodes, the foul-mouthed teacher. All right, there you go. Take one of those. Oh, no, you dropped it. Now you got to keep it here. Oh! Here.

- Instinct, instinct. - I'm just kidding. Here you go. Bill Rhodes, everybody. There goes Bill Rhodes. Bill Rhodes. There you go. - Sorry, I got Tourette's, man. - Genius kid. That kid that made up the Tourette's is gonna be here in fucking 14 years killing at 21 years old. Mark my fucking words. All right.

Make some noise for your final bucket pool of the night. Tanner Tuttle, everybody. Tanner Tuttle. Very interesting name. Let's see what happens here. Tanner Tuttle. Hey. So growing up, I had druggy parents. I don't know if anyone else grew up with drug addicts or anything. It kind of gives it away, though, when they come to a comedy club, because they don't clap like this. They clap like this. So it really, really sticks out. So.

But also like when I was born, I was a healthy sized baby. I was eight pounds, 15 and a half ounces, right? Decent sized baby. My parents still tried to fight the nurse and the doctor in that room. My mom's waving a shiver. I'm like, that baby was supposed to be a full nine pounds. Where the fuck's that other half ounce at? They're my druggies. All right. Hell yeah. Cool.

It's like, I get it. Like, it sounds bad, but it's like growing up, I always had a roof over my head. We had food on the table every night. We were super proper when we would eat, too. Like, everything had to be in the right order, okay? Your forks on the left, your knife and burnt spoons to the right. All right, that's my time. Thank you, guys. All right, Tanner Tuttle. Hi, Tanner. Hi, Tanner.

Hello. Where are you from? Las Vegas, originally Cedar City, Utah. Okay. Now you live in Vegas. Yes. How long have you lived in Vegas? Four years. What do you do for work there? I work at a comedy club. Okay. What do you do at the comedy club? Manager. So just whatever they need me to do that day. Wow. You manage a comedy club. Right. You look like the corpse of Kurt Cobain. That's incredible. Unbelievable. It just looks like anyone's welcome there.

Yeah, I guess so. What do you do for fun living in Las Vegas when you're not working? Oh, man. I like, you know, go to the gym and stuff like that. I enjoy bowling a lot, playing basketball. I don't believe you. Just like little activities. Really? Really? You do those things? Yeah. I bet you're great at basketball, huh? Master of none, I guess. Like, okay. All right. You have a good, like, two-step finger roll layup? Dude, I'm more of like a rebounder, box out. Again, I don't believe you. Dude, guys. Yeah.

If I asked you to box out right now, it would end up like the boxer said he could box earlier. Slow motion, very bad form. Just like that? It was worse than that. All right. Even you had a very much higher... He had no idea that the face might be a good thing to protect in a fist fight. He's been boxing for three weeks. Anyway, Tanner Tuttle, what are you on? Adderall? Negative. I'm a little nervous and stuff, just drinking tequila. Okay. No uppers whatsoever? Negative. Negative.

Negative. Negative. Wouldn't do it in a million fucking years, no chance at all. I mean, you heard about my parents. Nah, I've watched them be druggies. I was like, nah, I ain't doing that. Right. That makes sense. Not doing drugs. Booze is my thing, right? That's your thought? Yeah. Booze and weed. Booze, even if it's from the audience, it doesn't matter. Yeah. Um,

How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Five years. Yeah. Wow. And you love it? Yeah. Oh, absolutely. And you don't want to say the club in Vegas that you're the manager of? I enjoy it. Would it hurt you or help you to say it? That I don't know. Let's skip it then. All right. Tell us something interesting about your life that we'd be surprised to know other than your parents were drug addicts. I did. Fuck.

I bought a house when I was 21. How'd you do that? Dude, I have no idea, honestly. It was in 2011. I just needed to buy a house. I was tired of paying rent. So I was like, yo, can I buy this house? And they were like, yeah, your credit score is good enough. So I bought a house on my own at 21. What was the down payment? None. What was the monthly payment? Oh, dude, 540, if that, a month. So this was 2011, the market crash. I paid 70 grand for the house.

How old were you when you lost... That's why I moved to Vegas. No, I actually just sold it this past summer, so... Wow. How much did you sell it for? Like...

180, 190. Cause it was to my friend. So I like, was like, you're helping me out. Help me like, let's do a little deal and stuff. So I ended up profiting like, I think like 35, 40 K or something like that. So like now it's like, I want to take that money and travel and do comedy more places than just Vegas and that kind of stuff. Did you look homeless before you sold the house? Okay. A hundred percent. Incredible. So like, I,

I did this because I grew the beard and everyone's like, yeah, you look good. I'm like, I look good looking trashy? And they're like, yes, man. I'm like, okay. If everyone else seems to like it, I'll keep it going. I don't like it. You want me to go back and shave it? I don't know what you looked like before, though. Maybe we could shave half and then do a side-by-side. All right. Anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go, Tanner Tuttle? Oh, man.

I did the naked roast at Skank Fest the past two years. Ah. And stuff like that. Okay, what did people say about your junk on the naked roast? From what I heard from everyone else, I was the biggest one. Wow. That's what I heard. God works in mysterious ways. My guess is it was mostly pubes. No, I cleaned up for it. Wow. I cleaned up for it, trust me. Then this past year, everyone was like, he was the only one that looked trim. And I'm like, okay, why is everyone looking? But...

Right. All right, Tanner Tuttle. Well, thank you very much for coming on. Here's one of these. We've got to keep it moving. We're running into overtime. Only one person left for this. Only one person can do the job that needs to be done in this very moment.

Kill Tony Hall of Famer, one of the legends of the game, the Parliament of Portland, the Memphis Strangler, the Tijuana Tarantula, the Harlem Globetrotter, the Bronx Bomber, the Geriatric Juggler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is indeed the one and the only William Montgomery.

Southwest Airlines is giving free extra seats to fat people who can't fit in a regular seat. If you're so morbidly obese that your fat ass can't fit in a Seagull airline seat, you don't need to be getting on an airplane, you need to be getting on a Stairmaster.

with your fat ass. But seriously, you don't need to be getting on an airplane. I'm sure there's a cheesecake factory within driving distance of your house, fat ass. Apparently Matthew Perry died because he ate too much ketamine. Shit, I ain't ever gonna eat another carrot again.

Last week in Ukraine, a man walked into a meeting room with 100 people, pulled the pin on three grenades, and rolled them into the crowd, killing everyone. Only person I've seen bomb worse than that is Red Band during his stand-up. He killed 100 people! Dumbass! That's a bunch! Okay, that's my time. Thank you. One minute, 18 seconds.

From the great red god, William Montgomery. Very fun, William. The extra seats on an airplane stairmaster. That's what messed up. Honestly, if you're fat, though, don't get on the stairmaster. That's what destroyed my sciatic nerve. Is that true? Yeah, that's why I had to stop working out. I haven't worked out in probably eight months. I'm starting to get numb in my arm. Who was...

Laughing at that. Yeah, no, it's been eight months. I need to... Good job, dumbass. But I need to start working out again. Did somebody tell you that not working out would help you with your sciatic nerve?

No, it just was hurting so bad. I mean, I have to sleep on my stomach at night. If I sleep on my back, which my sciatic nerve is hurting, it gives me sleep paralysis. I have to sleep on my tummy at night. Can you explain to us what happens when a guy like William Montgomery gets sleep paralysis? Step by step, go right ahead and take us through it. So you're sleeping, you're laying on your back. Where do you normally keep your hands when you're sleeping on your back? Yeah.

No, just by my sides, kind of, yeah, on either side. And then what happens? Oh, yeah. Frightening. Like, go ahead, frightening. Yeah, no, but I'm laying on my back, and I just kind of wake up, and something is wrong because I cannot move anything, and I'm just opening up my eyes, and I just see this, like, thing in front of me. Can you describe the thing? It's like...

Remember the creature from the Black Lagoon? Who could forget that? It looks like the creature from the Black Lagoon. No, I can't even really describe what it does. It's literally just a shadow figure. Oh, great job, dumbass. I'm having the fucking set of my life up here right now, man! Holy shit! What I was just saying was about to really take off, dumbass. That's all your fault. Oh.

Oh, he's pointing at the lady next to him. The guy, uh... Wow, they're all throwing that poor lady under the bus. But I think it was the guy on the... Oh, okay. They're just some drunk Texas people. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. All right, so William, back at it. Ketamine carrots, love it. Hooty Hoo from the get, absolutely love it. Hooty Hoo, I was doing a bunch of that in, uh...

In Chicago, I was there this past weekend. And if a joke didn't land, which was, I don't know, 75% of them, it really wasn't a good percentage for me this past weekend. I would just do a hooty-hoo and everybody would respond and it would really help me out moving forward. So yeah, I was at like 75% just bombing. Just nobody...

Which really was kind of a mess to my pride a little bit. I was thinking I was making some strides with this whole stand-up thing, and I swear to God, only like 25% of the shit I'm saying... Can you do one of the jokes that didn't go so well for you? Can you give us an example of one of the jokes that were bombing during your headlining set? Seven sold-out shows...

at a 75% bomb ratio. It's very interesting. So one of them that I thought was going to go well was, so I got high the other day and thought blood was coming out of my ears. It was. It was.

These people seem to love that. It's not a fully formed joke at all, but your fans love that. That didn't go well in Chicago? Let me ask you this. Could you hear a paper cup fall during your show in Chicago like we heard here tonight? No, I couldn't. I haven't been around people that rude before. I mean, that's so fucking rude. I mean, come on.

It's literally my five year fucking anniversary tonight for being a regular on this show. That is true. So you fucked that up, sir! Five fucking years of this shit, sir, and you fuck it up. How do you feel, sir? Are you okay knowing that you ruined his five year anniversary of being on this show? Really? Wow. Are you a fan of the show? Do you know where you're at? Did you sign up? Right.

You're thinking about it? You think you have anything you could possibly do that would be funny? If I told you to come up here, you think you could do something funny? What's your name? What's your name, sir? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't come over here. What's your name? Carter what? Carter Shankle? I don't believe you, but...

Okay. Okay. Forget it, Carter. Sit back down. Creepazoid. This guy's going to come up here just to molest me. I'm not having it. Carter Shangle. Fuck yeah, dude. What time did you start drinking today, Carter? Right. Okay. What did you have tonight? How many?

At least five. There you go. The lady next to you was guessing five the entire time. Five an hour, that's healthy. Yeah. That's what America's bred on. Heir to the shankle fortune right there. Fucking shankles, man. Absolutely. You know. The shanklins. Fuck yeah. Yeah, the shanklins. Tennis, bowling, vomit.

William, what else is going on in your life? You do any puzzles or anything lately? Yeah, I started a brand new one. It's a hammock scene in like a snowy meadow, I think in Switzerland, but there's a hammock set up between two big old pine trees. There's birds on the pine trees. There's frisbees caught up in the trees. It's...

There's running shoes, a bunch of different colored pairs of running shoes at the base of both of the trees. So that's been a real hard part of the puzzle, Tony. Just figuring out which tree the running shoes are underneath because they're two pretty similar looking, pretty giant trees. And then this freaking, this hammock in between the trees. I mean, when you're dealing with rope and stuff in a puzzle, it's,

so incredibly difficult. I swear to God, Tony, I'll be looking at the fucking pieces in front of me for like five or six hours before I even touch one. It's literally, this was taking me forever. I'm scared to touch the pieces. Wow. Wow. Soothing, man. Listening to you talk, I just fucked you. I miss Shankle. Old Carter Shankle over there. All right. You want to do a Joe Carter Shankle? What do you think? William, what do you think about this?

William, I'm gonna let you decide, 'cause you're fucking in control right now. It's your time. No, we know you're not a comedian with pre-pan jokes, you fucking drunk idiot. I wanted to see how stupid you could make yourself look up here. Yeah, get your ass up here, Mr. Shankle! Oh, shit, Carter Shanklin, everybody! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Oh shit, he's taking the shortest fucking... Oh my god, he took the drunk path. He took the old drunk staircase of the sky right there. You're very red. Carter Shanklin, ladies and gentlemen. I like that. Come on, make some noise for Carter, everybody! Alright, Carter, do something. Put the mic right up to your mouth. Look out there and say something funny. Look out there and do it. It's like I'm your arms.

Yeah, hold the microphone, William. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me help you guys or else he's going to have three arms. Let William hold the microphone. Okay. Put your arms behind your back. Okay. Here we go. Okay. All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise for Carter Shanklets with William Buck.

recovery arms for the first time in the history of this realm. We're up for an Emmy, by the way. - Geez, I didn't even have to stand in line today. - Make sure you wave to the people, Carter. Wave to the people, okay. No, Carter, put your-- - No, no, no. Sorry, sorry. - This is how they should give DUI tests. All right, sir, for this next one, I'm gonna put my arm, I need you to put your arms behind your back. I'm gonna be your arms.

How many fingers is he holding up, Carter? Looks like two. The question is, where are the other fingers? Whoa. Well, your fingers are on my dick, dude. Holy shit. Wait a second. Where'd that second head come from? Wait, go back, go back, go back. Yeah. Go back to them, Keno.

Say something funny to the people, Carter. Well, the guy behind me is the one that's controlling this all. Nuh-uh. No, he's just your arms, dude. What are you talking about? The guy behind me is taking over power of my brain. He's certainly taken over a few things. Oh, Carter, look at you, the natural. Why are you doing that weird thing with your left arm, Carter? Oh, well, close that, please. Whoa.

Oh, all right. This is getting weird. Oh, that feels better. William, do something with your left arm. If you're going to do it, you have to, like, do it. You're not supposed to just leave your arms in front. Oh, it's got all sorts of stuff on it. Try to react to what he's doing with his arms, Carter. Well, uh, geez. Hold on a minute. I'm almost there. Okay, that was a horrible idea. I liked it. No, it was great.

That was great. That was very funny. All right, Carter. Mercedes is going to help you down. How about a hand for the great and powerful Mercedes, everybody? She's got you, buddy. Don't try anything stupid, Carter. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus. Did you guys feel that? You know he's strong when you make that. The whole ground shook there. Carter scared the fuck out of me. Oh, yeah. For sure. He's got shit in the basement. He's got...

Yeah. He's a serial killer. When Shank is in your last name, you know you have a fucking long line of... Oh, Jesus Christ. All right. Yeah, my dick was touching his butt the whole time. That's what he's talking about. Bitch! You got the best to him. You got the best to that guy, William. That's the butt. All right. Your DNA is going to be on a crime scene now. Just so you know.

What else is going on, William? Have you been eating your Kellogg's fiber buds? Yeah, I ate some today. It had been a couple days. I didn't bring any to Chicago, but yeah, I ate some. What's...

Who's doing that? You didn't bring your Kellogg's All Fiber? You don't take them on the road with you? No, I try, but TSA last time, they took me into a room after. They thought something was up with the buds. I've been drinking, Kirk. I've been eating a bunch of Kellogg's Auburn Buds, and yet TSA got me in one of their places in Chicago. Did you pre-mix it with milk or something like that? Why would they confiscate a box of cereal?

I guess trying to figure that one out. I mean, it really messed up my entire trip. I was trapped in Chicago for... Is there anything you're passionate about right now in life? Anything new? Anything has you fired up a little bit, perhaps? I wish there was.

Yeah, I've been having a real downer time recently, so I pray to the Lord above, Tony, that in the coming days I'll be able to cheer about something, but Tony, the past week, there's been nothing to cheer about. I mean, everything's falling apart. What about your massive victory making Carter Shanklin look stupid up here?

Do what? Does that fire you up, the fact that you made Carter look a little bit stupid? Yeah, I mean, I actually really loved making Carter Shanklin happy up here. I mean, it was the first time he had ever been on a... I loved making Carter Shanklin happy. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. I hated it! Oh, shit. It was a horrible mistake! Wow. Wow.

Are you ever going to stop? I'm never going to stop loving Carter Shea Flute. All right. There he goes, William Montgomery, everybody. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel is in, and it is fucking more awesome than ever. Make it loud for the great and powerful Kirk Fox, ladies and gentlemen. Reservation Dogs, Parks and Rec, Jury Duty, out now.

Check it out on Amazon. Fucking unbelievable comedian. See him any chance you get. He's still based out of L.A., but one of the highly recruited now people to, we're trying to get him out here. How many of you think Kirk should move to Austin, Texas? Yeah!

If Earl Shanklin's got a room, I'll stay there. I think Carter Shanklin's got a fucking outhouse for you, my friend. Look at that. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Fuck. If you like the sound of guys that both pee and vomit at 5 a.m. in the middle of the night, Carter Shanklin. One more time for the great Kirk Fox, everybody. Thank you.

Now about one more time for the best damn band in the land. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Deamer on the horns, Dee Madness on the bass, John Dees on the keys, and the great Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. Thank you to Jelblaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, NinjaBuses.com, Hull Law Firm, Awesome Security Guard Service, and Connect Mobile Health. Red Band? Check out the secret show at thesunsetstripatx.com. I love you guys. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

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