#642 - ARI SHAFFIR + MARK NORMAND + SAM TALLENT
02:27:35 Share

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. All our merch can be found for Kill Tony at KillMerch.com. Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.

And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called The Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Kill Tony Band. And the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at sunsetstripatx.com. And now a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, y'all. It is a super duper digital event like nothing we've ever done before. A two-night experience unlike anything in Kill Tony history. Go to killtonylive.com and get your live streaming tickets for the two arena shows. So much insanity is going to happen.

As always, I always keep the guests and anything that I have up my sleeve a complete surprise for you. But if I told you what was going to happen on these two nights, you would be pumped. And plus, you already know, all your favorite regulars and, of course, Rick Diaz versus Hans Kim for eternal regularship on the show. A battle of two absolute autistic devils.

Titans. Who knows what can happen? A lot of special treats, a lot of special guests. It's going to be like the 10-year anniversary show, but on absolute steroids. Super pumped. Get tickets now and support your favorite show in the world. The number one live podcast started with 14 people in a tiny little room. Now we're going global. That's killtonylive.com for the amazing two-night event, December 30th and 31st.

You're going to be sick of your family. Have some laughs. Enjoy two nights of Kill Tony live. Anything can happen. Kill Tony live dot com. Kill Tony live dot com.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Hi!

You did it. You all win here at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Gel Blaster, The Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hull Law Firm, NinjaPartyBus.com, where you can now get shuttles for the December 30th and 31st shows at the HEB Center, sold-out arenas that we're doing, no big deal.

Austin Security Guard Service, killmerch.com, and connectmobilehealth.com, which you can get IV drips. Look at that freshie right there. We all had the mothership Christmas party this week, and full recovery thanks to connectmobilehealth.com. Get an IV drip, use the promo code KILL15, save 15%. How about a hand for the band, everybody? Yeah!

Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deamer on the horns. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys. And this is our good friend Dee Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. Fun show ahead. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. ♪♪

NinjaPartyBuses.com where you can reserve your ride to the arena on the 30th and 31st sold out shows in Austin, Texas for this show. How about that? Do an arena. It's pretty cool, right?

Hey, y'all. This episode of Kill Tony is brought to you by Zippix Toothpicks. Zippix brings you a totally satisfying, convenient, and flavorful way to curb cravings, get a boost of energy, or simply relax at the end of your day. I absolutely love these things. Use them on the airplane all the time and anywhere else where...

I can't smoke cigarettes. I mean, you guys know what it is. Remember when massive vape clouds, ashtrays, and dip spit were awesome? Now there's an easier, cheaper, less messy, and more subtle way to curb your cravings with Zippix toothpicks. The best part about Zippix is that you really can use them anywhere. With two milligrams per pick and some three milligram options, Zippix toothpicks are long-lasting, extremely affordable, and available in six...

Delicious Flavor Choices Red Band. You know, I've been subscribed to Zippix for over a year, like two years. Before they became a sponsor, I've been using Zippix. They are amazing because I love, you know, I suck my thumb still. I love boobs. And it's a part of the oral gratification that my mom somehow transferred to my brain. And it's amazing sucking on these toothpicks with flavors that keep me coming back alive.

to Zippix. Also, if you need a boost of energy, try their Zip Energy B12 and Caffeine Toothpicks. No doubt about it. You guys have seen us use Zippix on the podcast. Now it's time to find out for yourself. Go to ZippixToothpicks.com today and use code KILLTONY10 to get 10% off your order. That's ZippixToothpicks.com. Promo code KILLTONY10. Must be 21 or older to purchase. Zip more. Smoke less with Zippix Toothpicks.

Yeah.

We have these. We love these. Red Band. It's amazing. It feels so good going down. This year, when grandma's asking why you're still single and your weird cousin won't leave you alone, let Freeze Pipe take you away from it all. No doubt about it. American-owned for over seven years. Try our favorite way to light up by visiting thefreezepipe.com today and use code TONY for 10% off your entire order. That's right. Shop holiday sales running until Christmas or use code TONY for 10% off at thefreezepipe.com.

Hey, y'all. When you're partying hard this holiday season, when you need to recover fast, turn to Liquid IV. It's not just for people playing sports and running marathons. It's tiring drinking all that holiday beer, am I right? And that sweet, sweet eggnog, Red Band. Mmm.

You need to stay hydrated. Liquid IV gets you hydrated two times faster than water alone. Just one stick has three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink and eight vitamins and nutrients for everyday wellness. We love it. Red Band. They also have a nice combo pack that has three of their best flavors. Check it out. I love all the flavors, but my favorites are grape. Oh, it's amazing. And the fruit punch.

Liquid IV now even comes in sugar-free. There's no gluten, soy, dairy, or GMOs, and no artificial sweeteners either. Sugar is replaced with an amino acid allulose blend, which has the same taste and texture of table sugar. Ooh, your favorite, table sugar. Grab your Liquid IV Hydration Multiplier sugar-free in bulk nationwide at Costco, where you can get 20% off.

when you go to the liquidiv.com and use code TONY at checkout. That's 20% off anything you order when you shop better hydration today using promo code TONY at liquidiv.com.

Hey, y'all. The holidays are stressful enough. It's time to take something off your plate by putting HelloFresh on it. HelloFresh is America's number one meal kit. They send pre-portioned ingredients with delicious recipes straight to your door. It's way cheaper than takeout, and you won't need to go to the grocery store, wait in long lines, or spend all day trying to decide what to eat. HelloFresh makes it easy with over 45 recipes and more than 100 seasonal add-on items to choose from every week. They're all delicious, and you truly can't make a wrong pick.

We eat them all the time. I absolutely love them. Red Band loves them. Speaking of which, Red Band. Oh, man. I love their fully loaded pork taquitos. You've got to try them out. They're so amazing. One pot chicken sausage and chickpea soup. Mmm.

HelloFresh even has easy breakfast. You can quickly whip up before you run to work and fast 10-minute lunches. Go to HelloFresh.com slash KTShowFree and use code KTShowFree for free breakfast for life. One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. That's free breakfast for life at HelloFresh.com slash KTShowFree with code KTShowFree. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what?

It is a goddamn pleasure. You know, I take the liberty of booking every single one of these shows, and we go in a specific order. Sometimes it's beauty and chaos and this and that. Tonight's one of those nights where it's everything under the fucking sun. I present to you one of the funniest guests in the history of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, a new special coming out December 26th. Truly one of the best guests, one of my favorite comedians in the world. Make some noise for the great and powerful Sam Talent, everybody. Thank you.

Sam Talent is here. Truly one of the best. If he's not already, he's going to be one of your favorite comedians on planet Earth. Learn to love it. Sam motherfucking Talent is back.

Hey, everybody. Thank you for having me back. I had to be here. Make some fucking noise for Sam Tallent one more time. We're in it tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Sam's been on a few of the best episodes we've ever had. The last one was with the amazing Dr. Phil. I'm glad Adam's not here to fuck up everything. Yeah.

By being the funniest guy ever alive. Yeah. Adam Ray's Dr. Phil is so funny. We were talking about it before today's show about how we were just, by halfway through, we were just setting him up and just watching. I forgot to talk. Yeah. We were watching a podcast. I was transfixed. It was like watching an eclipse through a piece of green bottle glass. That was the funniest shit I've ever seen. And I wasn't jealous. It was fine.

The new special, The Toad's Morale, debuts tomorrow on Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast YouTube channel. So make sure you check that out. Please watch it.

Yes. And we're going to have fun tonight. You know how this works. I'm pleased to announce that we actually, you guys will not believe this, but we have a record amount of signups tonight for Austin, Texas, right? As of right now, 218 signups. Ooh, there goes one flying. I bet 14 of them are funny. It's a hobo jungle back there right now. It really is.

People are trading salt for bullets. It's insane. Yeah. No, it's fucking absolutely wild. And mixed amongst those people are geniuses that are just trying to survive. Some of them wait months and sign up every week. And a lot of people who have held a baby's head underwater for more than 30 seconds. Yes. That's the majority. But if I pull one of their names out, they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Oh!

And then I interview them and we find out more about them with our esteemed guest, Sam Talent. And I'm now pre-polling who will be the first comedian out of the bucket. And while we get them from a bar next door, I think we should get the show started with one of our regulars, everybody. I think you know how this goes. Every single week, this guy does a new 60 seconds and an interview to start each episode.

Selling out all over the world. When we found him, he was living in a van doing 10-person open mics. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a wild success story. His name is Hans Kim. Thank you. The ceilings in Brian Red Band's club are so high that that's where I go to fly my drone.

Yeah, sorry. I had to start out like that. Obviously you didn't like that one. I don't think everyone who's patriotic is a loser, but I do think everyone who's a loser is going to be a little bit patriotic. Because if you've got nothing good going on in your life, you're going to be like, well, at least I'm here. Here, here, here, here, here.

But yes, you know, it's very sad to know that Joe Biden is still president. I hate Joe Biden so much that I'm racist against old people. Look at this guy walking around like he's the president. Thank you. All right, Hans Kim, ultra light tonight. I like it. Hell yeah. How we feel, Hans? Great.

Hell yeah. Sam, what'd you think about this sweet performance by Hans Kim? I'm a big fan of Hans offstage. He... Last night, I saw him after the Christmas party here getting choked out by one of the door staff while eight other members of the security team were throwing $1 bills. It looked like the rape of Nanking. I got raped yesterday. Yeah.

By a door guy? Yeah. It's actually funny. I totally forgot about that. You just reminded me that I was watching Hans. How did that start? You told the security guard that you could beat him in what? Was it jujitsu or wrestling? Well, I saw these two animals just going at it. Oh, they were wrestling. Yeah, these two door animals. Well, no, that's not the door guys. The door guys are comedians here. Those were the security staff. Those are the security beasts. Yeah, they were ex-massage agents.

Yeah, literally killers, like black belts and purple belts and blue belts. And then there's you like, I could do that. Yeah. How did you jump in, though? Well, they were just going at it, you know, really upping the aggression level in the room. And I was like, you know, this is just so primitive and we're comedians, we should be higher than this. So I go in to stop them.

You went to break it up? Yeah. Okay. And then one of the guys, Riley, was kind of lipping up to me. And I was like, Riley, don't make me. What did he say that was lipping up?

Well, you know Riley. You know the way that he is. He's just sort of like... I literally don't know Riley. Nobody here knows Riley. You're talking about Riley like he's on a sitcom or something. Okay, honestly, he really didn't do anything wrong. I was looking for a fight. I saw them there. It looked like fun. I wanted to join in, so I just grabbed the body and started going at it.

It did not work out, believe it or not, everybody. I'm trying to figure out what really happened, and it just keeps getting weirder. What else is going on in life, Hans? You know, my girlfriend is stupid, I found out. How stupid is she? She recently asked me if Japan was a country. And I said yes, and she looked it up. She's like, no, it's a nation state.

That's a country, dumb bitch. It's an ethnostate. They only let Japanese people in. The way it should be. Yeah, that's right. Absolutely. Do you like the fact that when you find out things like that, do you respect her more or less? It means it's going to be easier to get what I want out of her. So yes, I do enjoy having an advantage over the people that I love in my life.

What do you want out of it? Your passport back? I just want my green card and I'm out of here. No, I'm just kidding. Have you been doing hard drugs again lately? Just marijuana. No, I haven't been doing hard drugs. No, I'm fine. Why do you say it like a lot of people have been accusing you of doing hard drugs? No, I'm not doing hard drugs, Dad. I have been pretty good about not doing hard drugs. I've been doing mushrooms like once or twice or three times a week.

Anything fun happen when you're on mushrooms? What do you like to do? I was on an airplane. I missed my flight. Had to pay a lot of money. But luckily I'm rich now. I have a lot of money. Hans is out of it right now. Did you bump your head before tonight's set or something? You said you were on an airplane and you missed your flight. How good were those mushrooms? Um...

I love the mushrooms. They're from Nootropics. Check them out. Sorry to bring you into this. Are you plugging things? All right, we're going to get rid of him. There he goes. Hans Kim, everybody's having a panic attack during the interview portion of the show tonight. A rare treat. I've never seen him leave so fast in his entire career on this show. I think Riley choked him a little too long last night. Yeah. That was almost impressive. That was the best I've ever seen him do.

I don't know what just happened exactly. But now we go to the bucket, so it's going to be interesting. We have to build momentum out of a bucket pool here. Let's see what happens. Anything can happen. Blah, blah, blah. You get it. Anybody can sign up. Let's see what happens here. Tony Cruz, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Tony Cruz. How's everybody doing? Woo!

Sometimes when I masturbate, I stick a skittle up my ass so I can feel the rainbow. I know I look like a Billy Ray Cyrus or Miley Cyrus had a baby. Yeah, guys, I'm a southern Targaryen. I got a blowjob from a retard. I call that Radiohead. She sucked it so good, I fell asleep afterwards. It was some real ZZ Top.

Slowpoke. Slowpoke.

There he is, Tony Cruz everybody.

Unbelievable, because I mean, he's got the look, the cadence, the delivery, and you're just, he's got nothing behind it. You should be so much more funnier than you are. Yeah. Usually the material has to catch up to the stage presence, but not tonight. Absolutely. Yeah. When it does, I mean, it is fucking rock stardom for you, sir. Thank you, sir. I mean, listen to you. You're so cool. I'm a huge fan, dude. I'm a huge fan. I'm actually a huge fan of you.

What? I'm giving you a pretty big compliment here. I think you've got it all figured out except for material. Yeah.

It's actually quite a bit. It's like a lot of the battle. You didn't like the radio hit? I literally didn't get it. I wanted to get it. Radio was like a retarded black guy who was the water boy. And the band. It's the movie and the band. I did not know that. We understood it was the band. Thank you, Tony. That came through. The punchline is what didn't translate. It was the radio part. Why would the radio be retarded? Because the gentleman in the movie had... What movie? Radio.

What the fuck movie is this? Is this a coordinated attack? Am I being pranked or something? Radio, you fucking idiot.

It was in 2002. 2002 movie? And you guys are losing your minds over it right now? I've never fucking heard of this. Cuba Gooding Jr. Why would this be a sport comedy with fucking... It was not a comedy. No. It was a very serious biopic. It was a true story.

It says sport comedy. I think it doesn't hold up, so it's funny now to see. It's mentally disabled, so they know what it is. It was about the only black guy to not make a football team. That's what it was about. Really? Yeah. Cuba Gooding Jr. was the retarded guy? Yeah, yeah. Okay, lady, shut the fuck up. We found radio's biggest fan over here. He speaks in a very condescending tone. Yes. Shut up.

I liked a lot when he got to like 45 seconds and he was like, looked at us like, oh God, I have to do another joke. And then he went into the Pokemon material. Man, I love Pokemon, dude. I grew up playing that shit. I got more to that joke. I'm just saying. There's more? Oh my God. Do you do all 151? We're getting there. I'm still tagging that one. Uh-huh.

I thought she was a jinx, but she was a Mr. Mind. You're not going to believe this, radio fans, but I know nothing about Pokemon as well. I mean, I'm really out of the loop during this, and I have no references I can make right now.

Love you too, man. Hell yeah. So tell us about you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Been doing it just came over a year. Okay. All of it here in Austin? Nah, man. I started in Dallas. I'm from a small town called Sulphur Springs. So it's northeast Texas. If y'all know where that's at. You appear as though you were raised around a lot of sulfur, so that makes sense. I get the vibe. Yeah, you smell like the night before Easter. I mean, yeah.

It's a small town. It's a good town. A little known fact about my town. Every fact is a little known fact about your town. You're going to love this, Tony. I'm literally finding out about Sulphur. You can say anything. You're going to love this. They have glass bathrooms in their downtown and it's mirrored on the outside but you can see everything around you.

So then there's also like a place where kids splash around. So during the daytime, if you're a pervert, you can... Anyways, it's... Yeah. If you were a pervert. I like that disclaimer you put on there. That's kind of what we think it's there for. You know, I'm just... Anyways. I hope I don't get killed saying this. Did you say that was a fun fact? What?

The old glass bathrooms. Not a lot of people know we got glass bathrooms downtown. So basically, I'm looking women right in the eyes while taking a monster shit. Do you know what I'm saying? Because I'm using the public downtown bathrooms for sure. I do love my hometown. It's a good, it's a cool place, man. What else is cool about it? How many black people live there? I bet he knows exactly the amount.

Sulphur Springs doesn't sound like a very welcoming place. It is segregated. It's still got... MLK still has a black side, and then, you know, yeah. What was that last part going to be there? And then there's Mexicans. The old Cesar Chavez street. They're everywhere, man. Each neighborhood makes it quite clear what you can expect. Yeah.

And then you got your good old George Washington boulevards. You know what I'm saying, Mabel? Where I like to be. Anyway... Don't forget about the Jew corridor. Ha ha ha!

That's really popping off this time of year. I've had Mark Coleman on my podcast. I have a podcast, too. Okay. Shut up. What? What name did you just drop? Mark Coleman. Mark the Hammer Coleman. Yeah. Okay. Oh. Real segue into your podcast there. Very smooth transition. Almost completely unnoticeable. Seems like you had no intention of trying to do that if you got pulled out of the bucket here. I'm glad you took your hat off during your set so we know the hair's not attached to it.

What do you do for a living looking and talking like you do? Toad taster. This man can lick a toad and tell you exactly how old he is. I do. I do have a foot fetish. Yeah, I do have a foot fetish. I've been married for... Me and my wife have been together for 11 years. We've been married four years. But yeah, when you've been together that long, you have to get into feet and stuff, so...

Not if she's still tight. Didn't I ask you what you did for a living? This guy is answering questions that aren't being asked. I'm sorry. I started thinking about feet. Sorry. Go ahead. You know money?

What do you do for a job? How do you get it? Oh, yeah. Man, I had a good job during COVID. I was essential, so I made a lot of money during that period. So I've been living off the savings. You were a what? Essential, an essential employee, so yeah. Of what? What were you doing? Manufacturing. Yes, sir. I don't believe anything you're saying. What were you? Crystal meth? No, I think he was making the virus.

I got paid a lot of money, you know. Yeah. I kept Silver Springs running, brother. That crank powered our goddamn city. How are we going to keep the black people from going to the good target unless we're all gacked out? Yeah.

What type of situation were you raised in? Is it like a trailer? Is it like a lot of farmland trailer? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. And were your parents together when you were a kid? Yeah, they were together. And then my mom passed right before COVID. So she didn't have to experience that bullshit. But yeah, man, it was great, man. I'd rather be dead than have to wear a fucking mask. Fuck that. I'm glad my mother did not have to look people in the eye.

That's why I moved to the city after COVID because, man, in my small town, we didn't give a fuck. And nothing changed. Nothing at all? Nothing. Did people talk about how nothing had changed there a lot? No. Everybody was kind of... I mean, everybody else... We saw everybody else changing and we're like, why do they want to do that for, you know? So you were raised in a trailer. Let me ask you this before I let you go because this is a long interview. What's three plus two? Pfft.

Fuck. Why you gonna put me on the spot like that, man? Fuck that, dude. Fuck that. I want to know Tony Cruz, if that really is your name, because you don't seem like a Tony nor a Cruz. Uh...

But I want to know, what is, in your life, raised in a trailer, Sulphur Springs, segregated, what's the white trashiest thing you've ever done or been part of? Like, in your life, if there's one thing that you remember, like, doing or being part of out there in Sulphur Springs, or perhaps any time after that. I'm half Mexican. That was earlier. Then there was another question. The question was... I mean...

That's anyways. What do you think the trashiest thing you ever did? I can't like brown trash. Forget white trash. What's the brown trash? What I'm trying to say is like being half Mexican is great, man. It's cool. Have you ever answered a question before? Yeah. You know what? I'm going to go back to three plus two. I want to see if you have this. I was trying to, I was hoping saying half Mexican would make them laugh, you know, talking shit about Mexico. Why would that make them laugh? No.

My bad jokes, I guess. I don't know. You're very likable, Tony. Let me rephrase the question. You answered honestly. What's the trailer trashiest thing about your childhood or your upbringing?

And then you get to go after this. Just answer honestly. I used to, when I was young, me and my friends would break out of the trailer house. And then at 3 o'clock in the morning, we would go down neighborhoods and see if anybody left their doors unlocked. And then we would grab their guns and their rent money and all that shit and then take it with us. You answered that one perfectly, my friend. There we go. There we go.

Very good. People are amazed at your ability to answer an honest question. That was also alleged. No, but yeah. That's what we, I mean, dude, I grew up poor, you know. So you would rob the other trailers? You're like a reverse? No, no, no. We would go to the nice neighborhood. Okay. They normally don't, they leave their shit unlocked, so we would just, well, you can't do that now. There's a ring cameras. Yeah, you can't do that now. Right. White trash, you know, burglary. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually pretty open-minded of you. Right.

Well, Tony, congratulations. Fun stuff. Here's a little joke book, my friend. Make some noise for Tony Cruz, everybody. Is that an awe for a little joke book? Did I hear an awe out there? Someone with emotions that likes expressing them? Aww. Yeah, let's keep it moving. You guys having fun yet? Yeah.

All right, I have good news for you guys. This next bucket pool has an I in parentheses next to it, which means they are inside of the room. They are one of you. So that's usually like a first timer or something like that. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ashley Seta, everybody. Ashley Seta. Ashley! There she comes, I do believe. Right from the middle of the room. There she is! Ashley! Ashley!

Taking a very long time. You're going the absolute wrong direction. There you go. Hey, don't grope her while she's walking through the crowd. Literally almost walked into a wall and backwards. She went away from the stage and that way. Literally couldn't go a worse direction. Give you preps. There she is. Fuck yeah. How many of you like it when people do good on this show? Wow.

How many of you like it when people do bad on this show? Oh. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ashley Setta, everybody. - Holy shit, y'all. It has been a week. My sister got her PhD earlier this week and I'm on Kill Tony, so I think that we can all imagine who my mom is probably the most proud of.

So, you know, going on with disappointing the parents stories. Let me tell you some embarrassing shit that's happened to me in my life. Let's go. Cross country runners. I hope there's a couple of y'all out there. Hope you guys are good. All right. We got one. I'm assuming everybody else did beer runs. I feel that. All right. I ran cross country in high school. That was a hot minute ago.

I was fucking awful. I was so bad. They made me run varsity one time, and the only time. And, you know, I'm running, and they have a golf cart behind you, and it is just tailgating my fucking ankles, man. And I'm like, oh, my God, this shit is real. I am the slowest person alive. I am.

Okay, Ashley Sata. Holy shit. You went for it. No preparation whatsoever. That minute went so fast. Yeah. He made D cover his ears. He only has four senses. I didn't even hear a meow. You know what I mean? God damn. Right. God damn. Okay. Where are you from? Sulphur Springs? I'm from Austin, Texas. Whoa. Everybody's pissed that you're from Austin. I'm like, God damn it.

Wow, representing Austin, Texas. I'm guessing this is your first time attempting stand-up comedy. Yeah. Good. That's a good answer. How do you think it went? Probably not that great, but that's all good. So Ashley, what made you want to try this tonight? Basically, why not?

I highly doubted I highly doubted I would be chosen and you guys fucking did it I have some answers for you on the why not see it's very rarely that I get asked a question on this show and I'm proud to answer the why not the why nots would be that people that have prepared or wanted to do this for years or perhaps even months

sign up for the show, and then you come up here like if JonBenet survived her murder, trying to put on a pageant type of, let me tell y'all some embarrassing stories about me. This is like a bad pageant. It's like one of those Purina dog pageants or whatever. Like a...

It's like, oh, look at this one. This one's a stand-up comedian dog, everybody. Look, there's a microphone in front of it. I've heard a lot of comics try and ask the crowd a question to start a bit. I don't know if there's a more alienating question to ask a comedy crowd than who does cross-country. Read the room, Ash. Come on. These people barely have feet. They got the sugar syndrome. You're just up here bragging in your cool sweater. Come on, Ash.

Oh, you like that sweater? Oh, yeah. Game respects game. This is so us. Girl, stop.

So cross country, I missed it because I was bored out of my mind. Cross country, you said that you do that? Oh, hell no. I actually would not even run at this point if it was to run from a murderer. You seem more of like a shot put kind of girl, right? Why is that a groaning thing? Why are you groaning at that?

Brock Lesnar's daughter, everybody. Those genetics are strong. Oh, yeah. I've actually grown more into the sport of watching football and drinking beer while I do it. But, yeah, back in the day, I was off a lot of kind of... Not really. I think the only thing you've ever run away from is an abusive relationship. No, you stayed. Oh, no, I don't...

That's brave. I am the abuser, so... Oh, God. Yikes, buddy. Let's go. Stop it. I'm just kidding. Quiet, girl. What do you do to them? Your stand-up act? Basically. Ear beatings? I'd lock the door from the outside. You must listen to some embarrassing things about me. She should have to do her act in that glass toilet in Sulphur Springs.

As long as I'm not the ones outside of that window, I'm fine with it. Like, I'd rather be in that. I don't want to be the one being looked at. Thank you. Okay. So what do you think? She's good at riffing, too. Yeah, I know. What do you think the funniest thing you've ever done is? Has anyone ever told you, like, Ashley, you're so funny? Like that? Yeah.

Has there been like a time or is this just you're just really just shooting for it? This is like the half court shot at a professional game. Like we're going to let this person shoot and if they do anything at all, we'll all be surprised. I mean, I think the funniest thing I've ever done is be right here with you guys. Wow. It's funny. Like you talk, you talk, you sound like a hot chick and I'm watching.

the words. Do you guys kind of hear it? Like, the fucking greatest thing I've ever done, and I'm just like, it's not matching the fucking... I'm just kidding. You're great. It's okay. There's a groany audience tonight. Let me tell you something. I'm blaming the awkwardness of this interview on y'all. Here's a little joke book, Ashley. Whoa, good catch. Look at that. She's built like a catcher. Good work, Ashley. Good work.

Catcher, shot put extraordinaire. We should talk about that more, though. Don't sign up if you don't want to be a comedian. Don't waste people's time because it's not funny for any of us. I think it goes without saying, but yeah, definitely don't sign up if you're retarded. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Trey Campbell or Cam Burke or something like that. Trey is next on Kill Tony. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Make some noise for Trey, everybody. Woo!

Hey everybody, I'm Trey Campbell. I'm on the autism spectrum. I'm the same as everyone else, I just got more vaccines. Thank you. It's so crazy, a lot of older women come up to me, they're like, oh my god, that's so cool, you're on the autism spectrum. So is my son. I'm like, does that mean we're not fucking? Who wants to fuck their kids, am I right? Any Lizzo fans in here?

It's crazy, there's allegations going around that she made her backup dancers eat fruit out of a sex worker's vagina. And I think those allegations are unfounded because we all know Lizzo doesn't know anything about fruit, am I right? Lizzo is my dream threesome, so... There's two of Lizzo. I'm so excited to be here!

As a kid, I would always carry around a wire coat hanger and they would be like, Trey, why do you have a wire coat hanger? And I'd always say, I've had this since I was in the womb, y'all.

Holy shit, look at this. I mean, where do we begin? Trey Campbell. How you doing, Tony? Wow. I've been looking for a new William Montgomery, and I think we found him, ladies and gentlemen. Well, I'm drunk enough, so... I'm still drinking. William's sober now. You're adorable, huh? Do you only come around during the Christmas times? Looks like Santa. I'm the elf on the shelf. That's a fucking sturdy shelf, bro. That's...

That's a steel shelf. It's dope, you know? We look like we showed up for the same casting call. I know. What?

Let's hope we're not on the casting couch. No, no. Oh my goodness. How you doing, Tony? Good. It's good to see you again. Were you on in LA? I was on at Vulcan. You invited me. I invited you. You said me and William would do our thing. I saw you on the street. I told you to come do a thing with William and then you did. What was he doing on the street biting the heads off a chicken? Laughter

What were you doing on that? I don't remember exactly. Probably trying to find Adderall. You're an Adderall addict, huh? Correct. It's not working.

That is so interesting. What do you like to do after having Adderall? You know, I like to watch old NBA highlights. I like to watch the Chicago Bulls take on the Atlanta Hawks. This is the second person in a row that does not sound like what they look like. Is anybody with me on this? Ron White gave me acid a few days ago. Either I'm having fucking flashbacks to that or these people do not. Why do you sound like that? I think it's because of a lack of testosterone. Laughter

She's nodding. You don't want a sexy woman with bangs nodding at that joke. Look at you. You're adorable. Thank you, Tony. How old are you? I'm 28. Whoa. I know, it's crazy.

That's a tough 28. What has happened to you? Why do you think you age so much? You think I aged? Thank you. I've been trying to look older, so... Well, there you go. It's like you absorb the voice of the kids you molest. I was the one getting molested. All right. That's an upbeat note. That's funny, though. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. I mean... That must have been a horny pedophile. LAUGHTER

You know, you take what you can get. You're telling me. He's like, I'll settle for this 13-year-old that looks 50. I'm so glad you think I look old. I've always been told I look young. By who, Dee? Because he's blind. That's funny.

Thank you, Trey. You're welcome. It is incredible. I mean, you are a spitting image. 28 years old and he looks like the mayor of Munchkinland. It is incredible.

Well, you know, it's been annexed, so I can't... That didn't work. I shouldn't have told that. Okay. What do you do for work? What arcade games do you collect the quarters out of, exactly? He sucks them out. It's funny. I work at the Secret Group in Houston. Oh, yeah. We love that place. Old school fucking territory. And you live in Houston? Correct. Right. And...

Are you gay? No. You just sound like that? Yeah, you know how it is. I do know exactly how it is. I literally know how that is. Yeah. Yes. Everyone knows that I know what that is like. But I still have to ask. So what's your... Have you been getting laid by girls at all? I got this one woman. We went on a date to DeVita Dialysis. We just...

You guys got dialysis together? Yeah, she had dialysis, not me. I'm going to get dialysis in the future if you look at me. But no, we went to DeVita and then we went to... You say DeVita like it's a fine Italian steakhouse. LAUGHTER

We went to DaVita. The restaurant? No, the dialysis clinic. It was crazy. I had a great time. Tell us why you had a great time. What was so crazy about it? She just kind of told me about her dead parents the whole time. We just kind of chilled. She's a romantic. I took some Concerta before I went. It was great. It's basically like Adderall, but it's different. What's the difference between that and Adderall? Health insurance. Yeah.

Nah, he hit the nail on the head. It is health insurance. Nice yes and, Trey. That was good, yes. I feel like your sexuality is trains. It is true. That is funny. I do love trains, honestly. You do? No shit, brother. When I was a kid and I discovered porn, I saw there was a train category, and I was like, dope. Thomas the Tank Engine's fucking another female train, but it wasn't. It was a boy train? Nah, I think so.

Wow. Thomas the Train Engine fucking a female train. I've never heard of a female train before. I don't think there are any. Right. Actually, I think there was one on stage right before you. Oh, come on. Shut up. Shut up. Oh, we came to kill Tony DeGroon. Don't make fun of women, but keep calling this kid retarded. It's fine. Who cares? Yeah.

It is. It is incredible, this look. It looks like you're down to clown and clown to downs at the same time. I am a recovering juggalo. What does that mean to you? I used to be a juggalo, but now I've kind of left that life behind. Right. Too much Faygo for you. As you can tell. Yes. You have a race car on your shirt and a Chevy hat. What car do you drive? I drive a Chevy Cruze. It's also a house. Wow.

And your name's... Oh, that was Tony Cruise. You're Trey Campbell. That's right. I was going to make a Cruise Cruise connection there, but there was none. You look like a Japanese animator drew an American. I would do like a Japanese accent, but I don't know if that's... Let's hear it. Oh! No, no. Okay. That's...

Not this crowd, okay? Wait, do some more. I want to hear some more. Are you sure, Tony? Yeah. All right. I brought dishonor to my... This is stupid. Wow. I should not have done this. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a wizard, but like a cheese wizard? Nah, this would be the first time. Okay. I can't tell if you're real. I can't either. Oh, shit. Shit.

How long are you visiting Austin for? I can come back anytime. There you go. I would love to have you back on The Secret Show whenever you can. Thank you, Red Band. There you go. Trey Campbell, everybody. We're having fun here. Adorable.

All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jonathan Candy, everybody. Jonathan Cando, perhaps, or Canly Jonathan. Here's Jonathan, everybody. What's up? Hello, everybody. Sorry I'm a little nervous. I'll start it off. When I was like around 12, I was trying to look up some stuff on the internet. You're not supposed to.

But I was trying to look up something more relatable to me. So, like in the description it says like, you know, 18 year old, 19 year old. But I'm like 12, so I tried to type in 12 year old girl. Nothing came up, but, so I tried 13 year old. Nothing came up still. My final offer, I tried 11 year old. Nothing came up, but, so I had to settle for adult tits.

But looking back, that's actually a good thing that that wasn't there. And I didn't know, but I had to go to the dark web for that. But I didn't know at that time. But anyway, did anybody see in the news recently, like a few... I was 12. I was 12. Um...

I guess we'll do the meow. That's cool. Okay, there you go. Rolling with the meow. Is it Jonathan Candy? Cando. Cando? Cando. Well, you can't do comedy. Sorry. It's adorable. How long have you been trying stand-up for?

This is my first real set. Right. Right. Okay. Okay. The premise is good. Yeah. Everything else was bad. See, it was a reverse from Tony Cruz. What else is in the news, you know? That's what I'm wondering, too, man.

I can tell you real quick. I got it. No, please don't. You got what? The joke? What is it? Go ahead. Like a few months ago, there was a woman in the news that was... She was arrested for trying to hire a hitman for her son. Yeah. But there was two problems with that. She went to rentahitman.com. Also, the second problem, the real problem, the son was only three years old. So...

Oh, Dee Madness is leaving this show for good. It's incredible. No, no, don't do it. Why didn't she just leave the sun in the hot car like an adult? Okay, so you're more like a shock and awe. What do you do for work? I'm a truck driver. No, you're not. You're a truck driver? A timid, young truck driver?

How old are you? 29. Oh, okay. Man, a lot of, uh... All right. I'm glad we let him finish that joke. That was it. She should have... Don't... Yeah, we... She would have got away with it. Yeah, she definitely would have got away with it, yes.

I've heard a lot of pedophile jokes, and usually they're funny. It's really hard to biff a pedophile joke. It really is. I feel like I was molested after that. So, Jonathan, let's talk about your real life. What are you passionate about? I haven't seen you smile yet. You seem like a security concern. I'm just nervous. I think his diaper's full of piss and shit right now. That's okay. Two racing shirts in a row, by the way. Very bizarre. I don't know what's going on here, exactly. What is this?

No shit, asshole. It's not fun when you say it. Oh, wait a second. Wait a second. Ladies and gentlemen, I recognize that voice. No way. Is that who I think it is? Wait a second. What the heck? Ladies and gentlemen, my big brother, one of the greatest comedians on planet Earth. I do believe that is Ari Shaffir and Mark Norman. It appears as though...

We are under an invasion of sorts. Home sweet home. As a typical Israeli just going over other people's property with...

Some Palestinians being pushed out of the way. It's Ari Shabir and Mark Norman. Fuck yeah. It wasn't easy. I had to sneak him out of a Hamas bunker. We got him here. This is in honor of the 25,000 Palestinians who were killed in Lebanon.

Fuck yes. Harvard hates this guy. Genocide. It's okay. You interrupted this kid's panic attack. Oh, shit. Oh, hell yeah. There we go. Oh, yeah. Let's fucking go. No, no, no. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Merry Christmas to you. We just got demonetized. Oh, we got a blur for that. We got a blur for that. Woo! Woo!

Amazing. Hell yeah. Circumcised. Two with a thump. I love it. Who knew he was circumcised? His serial number was on his dick. Is that a defined penis head or you have a yarmulke at the tip of your penis? That thing was incredible. Boy.

Shane Gillis, you look terrible. All right, all right. Oh, sorry. Here you go, Ari. Hey, Tony, who's this faggot with the dream? Yeah, it's true, man. You missed a real flat line. This is his first time ever being in front of a real audience. I don't know. You don't know?

Do you have any idea? I did decent. Bad when Ari's genitalia gets a bit of reaction. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever seen an old guy's dick before? I didn't look. What? This is Kill Tony.

SheathUnderwear.com SheathUnderwear.com SheathUnderwear, the absolute best. We all wear them 100% of the time. Use promo code Chubby. Smells good. SheathUnderwear. Too bad D Madness missed that. He could have heard that, Dick. Oh, hey. Is that the blind guy? We lost our second blind guy. There he goes.

We're losing all the blinds out here. That's what we call them now. I love it. Ari, this is this guy's first time on stage. What do you have? Any advice? Did you see the absolute shit show before you got up here? He was the only tiny dick on stage. Yeah, true. How tall are you? Five, six, five, seven on a good day. On a good day. Why do you think Hamas rapes were qualified?

The leaders are pussies. Wait, what did you just say? They can't man up and fight. I heard the N word there. You heard what you wanted to hear, Tony. I think I did. All right, so...

John, what's going on? What did we miss? We missed a committee. How did it go? Very bad, but he's a nice kid. It was his first time. What's your name, buddy? That's great. First time's awesome. Jonathan. Big fan of y'all. Appreciate y'all's time. Thank you. I loved you in the Lego movie. Thank you. You're welcome. I'm in the Batman one. Okay.

Jonathan, craziest thing about your life? Did you ever have any childhood trauma or save anybody's life? Do you have any special skills or talents? You've seen the show before, correct? You're in the interview portion of it right now. What would you say if you could talk to yourself after this set? Did you ever play an arcade game and it turned you big? I love Mario, yeah. That's my first system in 1964. My best thing about me, I think, I can get songs stuck in people's head. Okay. All right. All right.

Jokes are forgettable, but let's try it. Do it. Get a song stuck in our head. Okay. My life's a stereo. Oh, no. Is this from the movie Radio? Get out of here. There he goes. Jonathan can't do it. Hey, Jonathan. There he goes. All right.

Jonathan's first time on stage. Good work, Jonathan. Jonathan! All right, before we get to this next bucket pool, we have a golden ticket winner who's ready to debut another minute. He has cerebral palsy. Make some noise for the return of a legend, Martin Phillips, everybody. Martin Phillips is here. Hilarious. Hilarious.

Hey, what's up? I'm cool, okay? It's not the joke. It's... Stop laughing. It's cold outside. I like the cold weather because I like wearing my bronze fur jacket. I also enjoy wearing a fur jacket because I pimp on the side. That's...

Then I sign on, so it's pimping season. But right now, for my birthday, my mom got me a card, and she wrote "Happy Birthday" in quotation marks. So I was like, "Is it my birthday? Is there..." So when I wrote her back, I wrote, "I love you. See you soon."

Wow.

Golden Ticket Defender, Martin Phillips, doing it again, an extremely strong minute.

An unbelievable performance. I've been backstage. The penis, I guess. Oh, yeah. The penis. Yes, absolutely. You did miss something else that leans hard to the right like you. Mine leans to the left. Mine's to the left. I think yours squiggles all around, if I had to guess. Yeah. A helicopter. He's got that fucking... He's got that Michael J. Cox. You know what I'm saying? That thing's fucking...

Hell yeah, dude. I noticed in your set, I do believe you have the word pimping confused with limping. It's limping season for you. Absolutely. You have a natural pimp walk. Speaking of pimps, D Madness is back.

Say pimp three times. Pimp juice comes out of it. Do you have CP? I have muscular dystrophy. I meant child pornography. You look like you have a bunch. I think God got you, brother. You look like you fell down this stairway to heaven.

I like the glasses. At the last minute, God was like, also, bad eyesight. We're all made in his image. God's always cold. God's always cold.

I'll be going out, yeah, when kids ask me why I'm shaking, that's what I say. I'm like, I'm cold, sorry. And then sometimes they're like, oh, take my jacket. And I'm just like, oh, God, no. Like, it's not working. And I'm like, I'm really cold.

I don't think you should be having one-on-ones with children. I'm a substitute teacher. I should have said that. You're a teacher? Substitute. I'm not a real teacher. Substitute teacher. That's got to be a lot of fun. It's fine. Special ed? Yeah. For some reason, every time. I don't know.

He's calling you a hack. Shake hack.

So, Martin, what else has been going on? You've been here in Austin, or are you just visiting? What's going on? I live here in South Austin. I've seen you before, right? You've done the show before? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We met before. Yeah. Yeah, we're closed on, but, you know, it's cool. Where'd you grow up? Inside of a microwave? Yeah, yeah. A washing machine. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Washing machine. I love it. Hey, look at this idiot.

Wait, we're making fun of the special needs guy. What are you doing, Ari? Come on. I don't know. That's almost self-conscious. It's Martin's make-a-wish. This is like my eighth make-a-wish. We're the first seven for stillness. Bro.

For a moment of calm. I think you age out in Make-A-Wish. Have you tried anything for that? I've seen some videos where they get people with certain things high. Sorry, are you talking about Make-A-Wish? Because you have to be dying and not dying. Can't you just say that you're dying? It seems like if you came in and you're like, I'm dying, I believe you. I give you the fucking wish.

They're getting like a doctor's note to be like, hey, he's going to die. He's got to meet Mickey before he dies. That's it, yeah. Have you ever tried anything, though, like ketamine or anything to calm this down? Oh, I've gotten weed before. What's street crack? Have you ever tried street crack? Oh, not street crack. Not any hard drugs. Yeah, I bet the cracks in streets actually cause quite the problem for you. Yeah. I'll fit in with the homeless, I guess.

Have you tried duct tape? Just encasing your body in it? Cocoon Man. Velcro. Velcro is easier to get it break free from. How long have you been doing comedy? Oh, shit. I think I saw your special on Twitch. Yes.

That wasn't hacky, okay? That was a good joke. Have you tried things that normal people do and looked funny doing them? Bro, they eat fucking everything. Yeah.

Did you play any sports growing up or anything like that? I did. In college, I was on the club baseball team. How about hula hoop? You seem like you'd be good at hula hoop. I can't do it. You can't do it? Yeah, I swear to God. I don't know if anyone has a hula hoop here. No, we don't have one, Michael. I don't fit in them, so I've never tried them.

Sam just calls that a belt. You fuck hard? What's your story? You have any special moves in the bedroom? They must love it when you're inside of them. Yeah, you're a human vibrator. I've heard that before. Thank you.

Yeah, you know, just do my thing. What is that thing? You know, the regular thing. Oh, hey, you know. What are some of your favorite things to do? Like, is there a specific position or thing that your favorite thing in the bedroom for you? I just like being there, you know? Sure.

I'm happy to be there. Presence is your favorite position. The position of present. I had this forward. Hell yeah, dude. Have you thought about having kids?

I mean, right now, I mean, I've not had really quite any at the moment. I feel like you could raise kids, but never above your own head. Yeah, I will. I do have nieces and nephews, but I will be honest. They're scared of you. I didn't hold them too much when they were babies, but now...

You can throw them around in school. Yeah. We have fun now. How old are you, buddy? I'm 32. Okay, cool. What do you do for a living? Substitute teacher. Oh, no, that's right. You said that. Yeah, my bad, my bad, my bad. Wait, what does he do? Substitute teacher. Oh, substitute teacher. I knew that. I knew that. Sorry. I sound like I look like, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

Martin, another unbelievable performance. Congratulations. Set of the night without a doubt. Killer. Funny. Martin Phillips. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Anything can happen. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Melissa Diaz. Melissa Diaz. Who likes Mexicans?

So it was my dad's birthday the other day and it's pretty hard to shop for dads. They always have everything they need. So whenever his birthday comes around, I just give him flowers. People think it's weird, but you know, what else am I supposed to put on his grave? I was like, look, all right, he's dead, but at least now he's more emotionally available. So that's pretty cool. You know, he used to run marathons when he was alive. Now he can't run away when I want to talk about my feelings. So it's pretty cool.

We scattered his ashes off of Queens Harbor in New York. Not by choice, that's just where the plane exploded. But it was a beautiful ceremony. And what's crazy is that it did happen, it was a plane crash. It happened two months after 9/11. Isn't that crazy? And so nobody gave a shit, basically, that a bunch of Dominicans just floated in Queens. You know what I mean? That's just... But it's weird to be jealous of 9/11, okay?

Every year I'm just bitching about it like some mistress bitching about her boyfriend's housewife. What does she have that I don't have? An inside job? Bitch. Wow. What a sack. Holy shit. Melissa Dia. Unbelievable. Good job. Have you been on this show before? Yeah.

Yes. Fuck yeah. Well, welcome back. First time at the mothership, though. This is great. Where's the other one? Absolutely. And a fantastic, fantastic set. Thank you. Good, confident, solid. Good job. Thank you. Mexican. Mexican.

Right? Indeed. They're coming for our stage time. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years now at this point. Eight years. Most of it in New York? Mm-hmm. And do you live here now? I do. I've been here for about two years. Love it. Oh, shit. What do you love about Austin, Texas? Yeah, it's a nice sky. Nice sky. Yeah, we do have a sky here. Yeah. It is wild. Do you miss the rats? Um...

Just my uncles, but that's it. Everybody else is fine. What about the Jews? You miss them? Yes. You already asked her about the rats. I do actually miss the Jews. And your dad was really in that plane crash. Yeah, it was Flight 587. It was a...

2001. It happened two months after 9-11. It was crazy. I remember that. I'm interested in giant commercial plane crashes. Oh, you are? Very interesting that you are interested in that. That's fucking weird. No, it's a big thing. I'm forgetting the name of the fucking channel. It's very, very interesting. It's funny because in Europe they thought 9-11 was November 9th.

So they thought it was about her. Yeah, reverse. Calendar joke. I got that. Thank you. An autistic guy in the back high-fiving someone else. Finally. He's just rocking and nodding. Did your dad call you from the phone on the plane? Let's roll. He didn't call me when he was alive. Why would he call me on the plane? That's funny.

Sucks when a shitty dad dies. It's really conflicting. No, he was okay. He did the best he could. All right. Yeah. As a rapist fucking wife eater, he did pretty good. I was a piece of shit also. I was a piece of shit teenager, so it was also on me. He did call me before he got on the flight. Really? Oh, really? Yeah, but I was too high, so I said, can I call you back?

He was high, too, for a second. Yeah, he was. Then it all came crashing down. So, wow. What does your mom do? Was she in your life? Yes. She's an art therapist, sort of, but she's not licensed as a teacher, so now she's just working with mentally challenged adults. Right. The last guy that was up here. Yeah. Yeah.

Just keeps having the kids drop plane crashes. Yeah. What was your dad doing? Did your mom almost go on that trip? Where was he traveling to? No, they were divorced. This was crazy because he's Puerto Rican. He was on a flight to the Dominican Republic, but everything about his death was just very Dominican. Once he died, we found out he had a secret family in DR. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Sort of. He'd just gotten married, and she had kids, and it was just a whole thing we just didn't even know about. Wow.

Damn. Can I ask you a question? So you're a comic out here now eight years, nine years. What do you say? I think you're eight years, nine, but yeah. Okay. Where do you go up? What is your normal spots here? How do you get up?

I just kind of do mics, a lot of mics. I'm very introverted, so I'm not good at the whole network-y thing. So I just kind of get up. And then I've been getting booked because of it. Do a lot of mics? Mic who? You know, it's kind of funny. She got married at Skank Fest this year. What? Oh, I just got married downstairs in the little chapel. Aww.

All our friends were there. Where's your little job at Skankfest? On the first floor. Like down the street? Yeah, he does comedy. Who's funnier, you or him?

Did he sign up tonight? No. Oh. I would have loved to have that whole moment, but no. Absolutely. Did Zach Amico eat the whole cake? Zach Amico. He did not make it down there, so no. Yeah, there were stairs involved. Yeah. There were stairs, so he didn't go, so we got to eat our cake. The big fat guy. Yeah. Huge. Melissa, fantastic set. Thank you. Funny, funny set. Yeah, that was great. Absolutely. I'd love to have you back on The Secret Show Thursday. I would love to do it. Thank you.

Boom. Secret joke. Do you already have one of these? Yes. There you go. Melissa Diaz. All right. Thank you. On to the next one. What a great set. How about one more time for Melissa Diaz, everybody? There you go. All right. Okay. We're keeping it flying through. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian. Ari, get a drink. Ari, she's married. Make some noise for your next comedian, Trenton Tebow, everybody. Trenton Tebow. All right.

Well, my girlfriend broke up with me recently, and that sucks. It sucks because I have the same taste in women as black guys. So that kind of kills my self-confidence. Because that's the last group of guys I really want to compete against. Like, if it was just me and Asian dudes and the thick, overweight white women, that'd be a dream come true.

Listen, I have a type and it's a type 2. A little bit about me. I'm fat, ugly, straight. So basically I'm two-thirds of a trans woman. That's a good joke. I'm like a natural trans though. Like I was born with a dick and then I grew tits. I'm a...

Fuck yeah. Trenton Tebow. Way to pull it out. Rock solid. Oh, no. Boo. The people booing Ari's pants going back on. A sad moment in history. If you're here, who's working at Bucky's? If you're here, who's killing all the nurses? Yeah. Yeah.

I'm actually, I work at Popeyes as a diversity hire. Do you really work at Popeyes? That's not bad. He's the only pink employee. Yeah.

What do you do for work? I actually do work at a restaurant, and then I also build handmade swim baits for a lure company. Swim baits? Yeah. What is a swim bait? It looks like a fish. It's overpriced. They're like $115 to $400 for a fishing lure. And it looks like they're swimming. It goes like that. Yeah, basically. Right. I know all about this shit because I'm a man. I build them. You build them. Context clues. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, so you're like a real true country fucking bumpkin, am I right? You would be exactly correct. It takes a real fucking middle of nowhere gagoots to make fishing lures. So I want to find out more about this treacherous lifestyle of yours. Hold on, we have to let this man with full blown aids get to the restroom real quick. I don't want you guys to see this specimen. Get him his AZT. Yeah, it's bloody urine for sure coming out. Okay, so go ahead. Spots.

Tell us about your trashy childhood. It's a lot better than what you think it would be, honestly, by listening to me. Was your dad Theo Vaughn? No, Theo Vaughn's successful. He looks like Theo Vaughn Dutch. My mom spent a little time in Louisiana, so he might be. Where'd you grow up? I grew up about three hours north of here, west of Fort Worth. Okay.

Yeah. Enter Wells, Texas. Ooh, you ever heard of Sulphur Springs? Is that where Cars is? Yes, I have. That's where they shot some of the movie Radio. So, Trenton, tell us more about you. What do you like to do for fun? What are some interesting things about Trenton? I'm pretty boring. I like to fish a lot, and that's about it. Come on, you pet animals too hard? LAUGHTER

Yeah, I really don't have much of a life. I've been hitting the bars lately since my girlfriend left me. How long were you with her for? I'm sorry? How long were you with her for? I was with her for like two and a half years. What happened there? I have no idea. She just decided to leave me on September 11th. September 11th? Oh my goodness. Did she at least say Allah Allah Akbar first?

No, she didn't. Not a big history buff. At least you'll never forget. You will remember now. That's a good point, Sam. Don't play the Jewish music during that joke. We know who really did 9-11. Only we could have. Such a coordinated attack. Yeah, take some intelligence.

All right, so she broke up with you on 9-11. Where was this? Was this at your place? Was it at a restaurant? It was over the phone. Bitch. I know, that's what I'm saying. Really? I'm guessing it was over speakerphone on the bus.

Sorry. Two and a half years. Two and a half years over the phone. What did she say to you when she broke up with you? Just tell us what she actually said. I'm tired of your hell raising, Trenton. Yeah. You spend so much time at that catfish pit. You come home with all types of dog food between your fingers. Yeah. Then you want to put it in my hole? No more of that, brother. Yeah. I don't want any kibbles in my bits. I'm going to Jackson.

Basically, I told her we weren't going to get married, so she said, "I can't do this anymore." Told her you're not going to get married. Yeah, that's exactly right. That's crazy. She was hoping to marry you. So is it weird not talking to your sister again? So why didn't you want to get married?

A former relationship really ruined that for me. Tell us what happened there. I was just with another chick for like five years and real pressured into getting married and just fell out of love with her. And it ended up, every relationship ends up going bad for you because they want to marry you. Yeah, basically that's kind of how it goes. Wow. Good catch, buddy. That's flattering. What, do you have like a forked cock or something? Yeah. It's webbed. It's not impressive at all.

What is it about you then, buddy? So now you're single. You think you're going to be able to lure in someone else? Or are you going to be a masturbator forever? Fish bait jokes, folks. They won't be floating around all night.

I was actually about to link up with a 55-year-old cougar the other day. She was fishing too? Yeah. Cat fishing? Then I missed the hint and didn't follow her back to her hotel room. What was the hint? Hey, you want to go fuck kids? Hey, I got menopaused in about 20 minutes. Yeah.

She was basically like, oh, I'm tired after she was done playing with my hair and all that. Playing with your hair? She's like, your face is the same color as my pussy. And then like three days later, I was hanging out at the same bar and I went home with some gal and it turned out to be her niece. Wow. Hell yeah. So then you're just hard as a rock. Yeah.

Then what happened? You banged the niece? Yeah, I slept with the niece, so now the aunt's out of the picture. That's probably for the best. That's how it goes. How old's the niece? 17. 27. Okay. You fuck with condoms or no condoms? I have condoms now. What kind of condoms? Do they have a special kind for billy goats? Since what? Since I'm just trying to fuck around now. What happened before?

I was in long-term relationships, so I figured it'd be a lot better. You blast. I'm sorry? You blast. Fuck yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I was supposed to open up for a cam in Fort Worth, and I got hit by a semi on my way there. You got hit by a semi? Were you in your car? I was in a truck, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Really? Yes. What happened? I was sitting in traffic on I-20, and we stopped, and this semi didn't...

And it turned into a six-car pileup. What? And I was on my way, actually, to Hyena's together. And then Tracy Morgan rushed you and you fucking... Yeah, did you get paid? Did you get the lawsuit? We're working on it. Hell yeah. Nice. Yeah. I'm guessing you don't have the best lawyers. Yeah. Well, Your Honor, I stopped and they didn't. I rest my case, I think. Objection.

That doesn't go here. The truck driver was Ukrainian. Oh, so they definitely want you to pay for it. So now I'm... Yeah, they were probably rushing to get wherever they were going. I was on the fence before, but now I'm for sure pro-Russian. It must have been a sturdy fence. You're one to talk. Oh!

I do like, I look like you from the future here to warn you. Make good decisions, all right? Working on it. Hell yeah. I love it. Trenton, a very, very fun performance. Congratulations. There's a big joke book, dude. There you go, bud. Thank you. Fill it up. Fill it up with jokes. Yeah.

Let's do it, ladies and gentlemen. Before we get back to the bucket, here's one of the great regulars of our history, a fucking force. Make some noise for the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. I hit that guy in the semi-truck. I didn't want to open for him. I did that, nigga.

I went surfing for the first time last week. I didn't like it. The nigga that would teach me how to surf, he was gay. That was weird. You feel what I'm saying? And not because he was gay. We were just all out in the ocean. But I said, he could have raped me or something. I don't know. I don't swim good. So it was a bad time. I will tell you this. All I saw was like a sunset. We just saw like a beautiful sunset. And it looked so dope. And then he looked at me. And no, we did not kiss, white man. He just...

He just looked at me and he was like, "Yo, that's so beautiful." And I was like, "Bro, it is beautiful. It's beautiful as fuck." It was dope. It was a good thing to see. I was like, "Man, that shit is dope, bro." He says, "Kinda look like heaven, right?" And I said, "Yeah." And then he went, "If heaven was real, wait a minute. I don't believe we're in the middle of the ocean with a fucking atheist, dickhead, what the fuck? He don't believe in miracles. That's crazy, bro. That's insane. That's wild as fuck." Yeah, that's my minute. That's it. - Oh, yeah, there you go.

Cam Patterson. You really can't swim good? I swim alright, but it's not the best. I'm not one of the best swimmers of all time. That means he's the best black swimmer of all time. Because your pockets are full of rocks. That's the problem. That's the issue. All the rocks in my goddamn pocket.

That shit was fun, though. Surfing was cool. I liked it, though. Where'd you go surfing? I went to Malibu. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah, that shit was dope. Yeah, yeah, that shit was cool, yeah. Okay. I stood up. You stood up? I got up there. That's fun, huh? Wow. Yeah, yeah. That's incredible. And, uh...

For how long? How long were you up there? I was up there for like three, four seconds. You know what I'm saying? It felt like forever though. What were you doing in Malibu? Were you taking a break from looting? Malibu is an odd place. I was scoping out some spots. You know what I'm saying?

I wanted to rob, but everything was burned down. It sucked. Were they burned down in Malibu? That shit burned down? Yeah, a lot of it. Damn. Really? Oh, no, I'm thinking of Maui. I'm sorry. I'm wrong. Big difference. I'm wrong. I was like, that shit look beautiful in all of them. I'm wrong. That's crazy. Ari has sundowner's syndrome.

Sundowner sitting straight. I'm just happy I'm out here after you pulled your dick out. That was cool. I know. I was backstabbed. Like, thank God I ain't got to see that shit. I got a lady friend here. She seen your whole dick, man. Damn. I was texting like, I'm sorry. Usually this shit don't happen all the time. I apologize. I kept this off to make it look good. It's mostly balls. It's really mostly balls. It's a lot of balls. It's like a...

Mostly balls. You got any new marbles lately? Marbles? What do you mean marbles? You repping any new marbles? You like marbles? Yeah, I love marbles. Marbles are cool. You ever seen Marble Racer? Yeah. That shit dope. You ever seen Marble Racer? Uh-uh. Oh, yeah, yeah. Marble Racer. Marble Racing, dude. Yeah. I thought you were talking about a cousin or something. Marble Racing. I don't know.

What else is going on, Cam? What else is going on in life? You surfed. Yeah. What else did you do in L.A.? Anything crazy? Almost all. Uh-oh. He thought of something. Oh, shit. Bro, me and Lazer was supposed to fuck some porn stars. Uh-huh.

Sounds like a... Yeah, crazy, right? So listen, porn stars come to the show. I'm thinking, oh, it's a done deal. They want to fuck. One of the bitches showing her titties to laser at the bar. This was insane, right? So we get back to the B&B and the bitches drive past me. So I'm an optimistic young man. I go, what they finna do? They finna go park? And...

He was like, nah. I was like, what you mean, nah? What happened? It was four bitches in the car, porn stars, and Uncle Lazy. I said, what happened? And he said, the main porn star bitch got a text message from her dad, and her dad said he was finna kill herself, that he was finna kill himself. And her whole demeanor changed. She ain't wanna fuck no more. I want y'all to know something. I hope that nigga is dead. I hope he did it, dog. There you go. I hope he fucking did it.

Your daughter is a porn star, fuck. Now you lost already, dog. It's over.

She was like, I'm going to go fuck a black guy. He's like, that's it. The porn I was okay with. This is where I draw the line. It's interesting. Things are really out of order here. Normally the dad kills himself and then they become a porn star. This is like the chicken or the egg or something like that. He waited. He was like, damn, I can save her. She was like, she's going to fuck laser or something. You want to roll with Major Lazer? Yeah.

Uncle Lazer. Uncle Lazer. Sorry. Not Major Lazer. Big difference. Different Lazer. Who is Major Lazer? Who is that? Techno. Techno nigga? No, Major Lazer is like a, like he's just rock. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Barely. But yeah, that shit was fun. That's cool. Yeah, yeah. Wild. Have you ever been with a porn star before? Ah. Come on, James Dean? Where the camera at? But I would like to be. Ah. There you go. Yeah.

Talk to me. I'm a handsome young black man with a medium-sized dick. Come fuck with a nigga. There you go. Hell yeah. Johnny Sins, turn up. Cam, who's your favorite pornography star? My favorite porn star? Who? Jeremy. Who the fuck is that, nigga? This is some guy in jail. He's one of the greats. He was like our Cosby. For real? Yeah. Raping bitches? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Nigga, that's crazy. Why are we dapping up to this? That's crazy. That's insane. You have to do it back, though. That's right. You got on like, fuck, I don't want to do this one. Not this one. Yeah. Solving racism with rape. Hey, that's crazy. Rapism. Oh, no. I like Pinky. She got fat. Pinky was cool. Then she got fat in here. Pinky. Pinky. Yeah, you know Pinky. You know Pinky. This guy know Pinky. Everybody know Pinky. Nigga, he get it.

So she a big bitch, not a big bitch. I mean, I love big bitches. That's my fucking problem. I love all types of women. I love all women. All women are dope.

Oh, yeah. We can confirm Pinky got a little thick. Pinky got big as fuck. Oh, wow. Look at Pinky. God damn. It's right there. Holy shit. See, look at this. Red Band already had that pulled up. That was weird. It's his home page. PinkyXXX.com. Is that an African-American lady? Yeah.

Yes. One of those sunglasses, fucking the D-Madnesses. Well, they make everything white. It's better. They're called gentrifiers. Damn. Pinky got old, too. That's rough. Wow, yeah. She's good. She looks like David Lucas. I don't know. That's a bad idea. Cam, you did it again. Another amazing performance. So much fun. There goes the great Cam Patterson, everybody. There you go, Cammy.

Go see Cam live. It's very funny. He really is. Check the dates. We're about to be in Florida this weekend. Cam Carter. One more time for Cam Patterson, everybody. All right, back to the bucket we go. 60 seconds goes to Nick Mume or Mummy or Mumma. Nick Mumma. M-U-M-M-E. Hey, Mumma. What the fuck is going on?

Shows were so much fun when I was growing up, you know? Like, I remember there was a show called "Pimp My Ride" where like, they would get a mom with three kids. We're like, all she had was a crippling mortgage, you know, with just her car. The guy would walk out and be like, "Man, we heard you didn't have any money. That sucks. Anyway, we turned the back of your car into a hot tub." Also, they turned your windshield into a flat screen TV. Don't ask me why. Yeah.

The girl I'm seeing has really high standards, but I have really low standards. So when we do stuff in the bedroom, the bag goes on my head. Yeah, that's all I'm going to do. Nice. Power move. 53 seconds from Nick. Is it mum? Mume? Mummy. Motherfucker's got Muppet mouth. Hell yeah. You're very nervous. Wait, what? You're very nervous. Kind of. Yeah. You shake a lot. I kind of need a piss.

Nick, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy for? I want to say it's right around three years now. Three years. And what do you do for work other than put body parts into your refrigerator? And fuck Miss Piggy. Mostly just work with dogs. Yeah. What do you do with dogs? You work with black guys? Pretty much just watch them.

Wait, what? Nothing. Keep going. Wait, what is exactly what I thought, Nick? Keep going. What do you do with dogs exactly? Just watch them. It's like a daycare. Like peanut butter off of what? You make them fight.

No, it's kind of like a daycare thing where they just like fuck around and I just sit there and watch them pretty much. So people, you knock on their door and then they answer the door and then you go, hello, I'm here to watch your dogs. I wish it was that easy. No, they come to us and they just drop them off and we just... Right. Yeah. Dude, why do you sound that way? Did you go deaf this morning? Yeah. Wait, what? Your voice is ridiculous.

Your voice sounds like AI generated it. I'm a human being? Maybe. Great question. What is that accent? Where are you from? What did you witness as a child? I'm from here. You're from Austin, Texas? I mean, not Austin, but from Texas. Yeah. Okay. And why do you think you don't notice that you have a little bit of a twang, if you will?

I mean, I don't pay attention to it, honestly. What? Like, I don't pay attention to it. You don't pay attention to your own voice? Uh, no. Would you if you sounded that way?

So interesting. Nobody's ever mentioned this to you? Do you sound kind of... Me? What is that? I don't know what that is, but I love it for this. What was that? To be quite honest, I've never thought of it before in my life.

Funny you should ask him from here. I love that song. I'd say of all the people I've met in my life, your Adam's apple is top seven. Okay. You got a whole orchard in your throat. That is true. Man, he didn't budge on that one. Now I see it. The Adam's apple is aggressive. Pronounced. Does your dad sound like you?

No, not at all. Not at all. So the Adam's apple falls far from the tree on this one. Very far. Son, I'm sorry I never said I loved you. What does your mom sound like?

You have been frozen in carbonite. So... They sound like RFK Jr. Soon the effects will wear off. You're temporarily blind. Don't make the mistakes I made. Don't stand the risk of smoking. All right, in feet, how close can you get to kids? Oh, my God.

All right, here's what we're going to do. We're going to show you pictures of children on Red Band's iPad, and Ari is going to continue to tap your penis, and we're going to try to get you from one to ten on firmness. Let's tie a bell to his dick. Don't Google kids, Red Band. Don't do it. Yeah, don't go pinky and then hot kids.

It's true. You can't go pink at Hot Kids. It's okay. Everybody signs a special piece of paper. We can technically molest people up here. I can't get hard anyway. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, this guy's going to choke the shit out of a puppy. What do you do to let some anger out when you have to kill some energy? What do you do? What are some guilty pleasures of yourself? You ever killed a foreigner? I mostly play games, jack off, watch movies. Yeah, what do you jack off to exactly?

Mostly just big tip porn. Man, big tip. No harm, no foul on that. Yeah.

Victimless crime. You have a girlfriend? No. Do you have a victim? Who did that? Someone you're stalking do you hope to make a girlfriend? I'm going to keep asking questions and I'm going to have Sam answer for you. It's a lot more interesting. Have you had a girlfriend before? No.

I wouldn't call it a girlfriend. Well, I mean, if you wouldn't call it a girlfriend, I mean, what would you consider it? A barista that didn't know I was there.

I had my hand inside of her, though. Dark Cucks. Amazing. Why does he make you sound like a henchman from the Venture Brothers? I thought he was doing pretty good, honestly. Wait, who said that? Me or you? Ha ha ha ha ha.

That is a spot-on impression of Sam Tallent's impression of you. What's your goal? What do you want to do in life? I want to make a mask of a human face. Oh, God.

How'd you lose your virginity? She wasn't awake, but I was more awake than I've ever been. I didn't know I could be that awake.

Oh, my God. That is incredible. How do you feel about Jews? I think that it's an act of genocide.

He said that, not me. Absolutely amazing, Nick Mummy. What an interesting force you are. Other than stand-up comedy, is there anything you could ever picture yourself doing? You seem like you're hell-bent on this.

Probably work in the movies doing something. What kind of job in movies could you possibly do? Muppets take Austin. We just got to get into Mothership and that's gravy after that. I want to be the first felt guest on Joe Rogan. Oh, shit. All right.

Oh, God. I could keep you up here and have Sam answer for you forever, but I guess I have to keep it moving. Yeah, you want to say something to the world? Yeah, come on. A final message. It could be anything in the world. Uh, fuck you. Oh, come on. Oh, yeah. Uh,

Nick, here's a big joke book. Congratulations, my friend. Hell yeah. He's gonna go practice blinking in the back.

I bet that guy rules at Thundersticks. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise. 60 seconds for Caleb Silvers, everybody. Caleb Silvers. And here we go. It might be Jewish. So I don't know if you guys can tell by looking at me, but I don't get laid very often, you know?

Kind of sucks. Hashtag me too. More like hashtag what about me? Jesus Christ. I wake up every morning praying today is the day somebody at work finally slaps me on the ass. But not once. Not once. I'm gay, so you don't have to worry about me getting all pissed off about nobody wanting to fuck me. The difference is straight guys who can't get laid look in the mirror and say, I don't know why nobody wants to fuck me. And then they shoot up a food court. Gay guys, on the other hand, look in the mirror and say,

Yeah, I wouldn't fuck you either. You're disgusting. Your breath stinks, your personality sucks, and your mother is a cunt. And then we just spend the rest of the night crying alone in the shower. Is that 60 seconds? Jesus Christ. No. No? Oh, fuck. It's 51 seconds. 51 seconds. My favorite part of that was the few of you that pretended to relate to gay culture. That chuckled at his fucking thing about the showers.

I loved you in Making a Murderer. It was fantastic. That was my best part. Hell yeah. But you're gay? Yeah. Oh, no. Really? You don't seem gay at all. You don't seem gay. You want a beer? Sure, thank you. You don't seem gay. You must be the fucker. Generally, yeah. Always top, never bottom. You might want this one.

Fuck yeah. Sam Talen's new special, The Toad's Morale, December 26th. Watch my special. It comes out tomorrow. It's on Matt and Shane's secret podcast YouTube channel. Make sure you watch.

So how old were you when you realized you were gay? It seems like an hour ago or something. Always, yeah. Really? Yeah, I came out really young. He kind of sounds Muppety as well. Am I crazy? No, it sounds exactly the same. Yeah. It's just nerves, I guess. Yeah. Is there some sort of gay welcoming committee that tells you not to talk like that? No. No, I wish there were. Yeah, it's interesting. Two Muppets in a row, and you're the one that actually likes a hand up your ass. Yeah.

That's right. Thank you, band. I didn't know you guys had that locked and loaded. So can I ask you a question? Please. Do you only give the penis or do you receive it? Did you not hear my bit? I never get laid. Fuck. But if you did... In a perfect world. Yeah, in a perfect world, yeah, I'm more of a top. Nice. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

It was a little scary for me. Why is it scary for you? For the same reason that it's scary for everybody? Probably, yeah. Well, tonight we all got fucked in the ass. I don't have the balls to really go all the way. It's Hanukkah. You're a top. Ari, spin him. Gatel. Yeah. Puts the men in menorah. All right. So what's the gayest thing you've ever done?

Probably have sex with a man. But I mean like... I don't know. Put my penis inside a dude. He ate dick up here tonight. Yeah.

I dressed up like a girl one time for Halloween. Okay. Were you Amy Schumer? No, no. I wish, yeah. No, I tripped down the stairs and broke my leg in my heels. So it was a... I said I'd never do that shit again. That turned me straighter. Right, right. Yeah, women's bones break easily. You really committed to character there. Oh, shit. Have you ever been with a woman? No. No? Really? You should try it. It's pretty fucking cool. Is it?

They have a pussy. There's no shit in there. Yeah. What? Yeah, it's a self-lubricating hole. Yeah, I get it. It's more of the guy attached to it. I would fuck a dude with a vagina before I would fuck a girl with a dick. Does that make sense? So you're a hero. Yeah, basically. So it's really not about...

No. Genitalia. No, no. It's really about like man face is what you're into. Basically, yeah. Is there a specific type? You like manly men? I like them all. Can I ask a question? I like twinks. I like everything. Can I ask a question? Yeah. Rank them. Mark. Mark, obviously. Obviously. Okay. Obviously. Okay. For sure. Obviously. Mark's obviously not. Okay. Now the real dust. Tony's second clutch. Fuck. Thank you. Thank you. I'm in a different world.

Because you ran into him at a bar recently? No. Okay, go ahead. Maybe. Go ahead. We rank the rest of us, too. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, let's go. Yeah, you're Red Band. No, not on my worst day, probably. Damn! Wow. Wow. Not on your worst day. No. This guy... Was I last or was Red Band last?

Sam, I'm sorry, buddy. Wow, you would fuck Red Bam before Sam? I would fuck Red Bam first, yeah. Oh, you have it all out of order, dude. But I look like a trans woman. That's true. If you had a pussy, you would be first. All right. Does that make sense? Like an actual pussy or a fake man pussy? No, like an actual...

Born a chick, turned into a dude. That's hot. Wait a minute. Hold on. He's got some great pussy. D-Madness is about to pass out for hatred right now. Famously homophobic D-Madness just yelled stop in the middle of all this. Just because I'm blind doesn't mean I can throw up off an image. Got a little too real for D. Don't.

Don't let the rainbow sunglasses fool you. He is homophobic. Have you ever been to a glory hole? What? Have you ever done a glory hole? No. Oh, you should try it. Do you know of one? Oh, yeah, for sure. I would. Yeah, come to the back of the room. Give me the address. Okay. I'll try anything. What about rest stops? Is that real? I don't know. What about adult bookstores? Don't know. What about churches? I'm the worst gay guy ever, okay? Fuck. Literally. Have you ever hooked up anywhere other than a bedroom with a man?

Uh, yeah. Where? In a hammock. That's good because if you miss his ass, there's a bunch of holes. Yeah, that's true.

Get the nice little swing action going. That's good. Interesting. How do you end up having sex in a hammock? I live in a hammock. You live in a hammock? What? What? Yeah. What should lead with that? I should have, yeah. That's kind of boring. Sounds relaxing. What do you mean? Where do you live in a hammock? Into Rainy Street. I probably shouldn't tell that. Yeah, I've been there a while. Wait, wait, wait. Where in Rainy Street? That's just... Stop it.

Well, I can't stay there now. What do you want him to describe the tree, Ari? Yeah, there's two trees. Just on Rainy Street, you set up a hammock? Yeah. And you're out there? Yeah.

I've heard of Elf on a Shelf, but homo in a hammock. My credit sucks. Wow. It's crazy because there was supposedly a serial killer murdering young men down by Rainy Street. I was hoping he would kill me for a while. That was sort of the point. But he's like, I'll hang out down there, take my chances. All right. Whatever. Well, you've been on this show before, right? No. No? No. Interesting. Okay. He's pretty good in the post.

What? He's pretty good after the stand-up. Okay. If Ari thinks so, then here's a big joke book. There you go. He could catch it as well as monkey pox at any given moment. All right. We're just flying through it tonight. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Trevor Michaud, everybody. Trevor Michaud. Here we go. Trevor Michaud. Hello, everybody. How are we doing tonight? Having a good time? Real quick, I want to jump right into it. I'm raised by a single mother. Anybody else?

Well, both is better. Relax. Having both parents is better. I wonder if anybody can just tell that I'm raised by a single mom. I sit when I pee probably more than I should. And my car definitely hits curbs on the daily. My rims look like granite at this point. I also love gossip. I don't know about you guys. When it's time to watch the football game at my friend's house, I find myself in the kitchen with the ladies. Also wondering why Heather got so fat.

I'm not allowed in the garage anymore. A friend asked me for a 5/8 wrench and I came out with 13 pieces of metal. I'm like, is this one of them? I'm not really a man, actually. And I'm not allowed in the garage anymore, which is fine. They call it a man cave in the Midwest. Yeah, it's ridiculous. Your wife gave you the shittiest piece of land in your property, said go in there. You need heat to even exist there. Thank God.

You'll never find me hanging out in a garage unless I'm hanging out in a garage. Thanks so much. I'm Trevor Michaud. All right. I can see why your dad left. Thank God. There you go. Trevor Michaud. That was tough because he doesn't look like a mutant like the rest of the people who bombed. I dress too nice to do so bad. I'm sorry. Well, it won't stop. I dress too nice to do so bad. You're unlikable.

Trevor, how old are you? 26. What do you do for a living? I work in warehouses. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like two and a half years. Where at? In Phoenix, I started. Where?

In like, you know. What places? Phoenix, like the clubs. Yeah. Devil's Advocate, that outside bar across from Tempe. Okay. I'll go. I would get up every once in a while at the House of Comedy on the triple threat shows. That was cool, I guess. Nice. But when the pandemic, yeah, nobody cares. When the pandemic hit, I just stopped. And rightfully so. Dude, you don't have to do this.

So I've been told. Yeah, like you've got a big bright life ahead of you if you don't do this. Do you think in the two and a half years that you've been doing it, would you say that that minute is your best minute or are you trying like a new minute or something like that? Oh man, I don't know. Do you want me to try another one? Why don't you just do your best joke? Your fastest, best, shortest, good joke. Take a breath though. Two and a half years in the game, your absolute best joke. Or you can do one of Mark's too. Oh no, don't do mine.

All right. You guys big Googlers? Yeah, huge. Crowd goes wild. I love Google. Hell yeah. You do Google. You do Google. He likes Netanyahu. All right. Instead of asking the Google thing, just go into your bed. Right. So I was on the internet finding cool things because this is a great setup, and I came across the term heteropaternal superfecundation. Does anyone know what that is? A lot of questions. Yeah.

I'll say it once again. Heteropaternal superfecundation. This is the miracle which when a woman has sex with more than one man in a short enough period of time, she can become pregnant with twins fathered by both the men. And my question is why such a long name when you could call her a whore? Ah, it's the noise that the audience made. Don't know if that was audible to the podcast listeners. It was a hard ah.

All right. You can get like a fucking degree in web design in like 18 months. You said single mom. Is that true? Yeah. Your dad's nowhere in the picture? He is later. Eventually. Is he rich? God, no. No. Is your mom rich? No.

Really? I know. Like I said, this is my girlfriend. I got a new girlfriend, and she got me clothes. How clothes are they? I love how cool you think. You keep referencing these clothes. I love how cool you think you look. It's pretty amazing. You're dressed like a foster kid on his birthday. Yeah. It is not that cool. You look like a casting director who's like, guy trying to be cool. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So what is the coolest thing about you, Trevor? I'm from Wisconsin.

Okay. Again. That's what a lot of rappers say. Where in Wisconsin? Racine, Wisconsin. Okay, I've never heard of that. Very cool. What's the least cool thing about you, Trevor? This right now, for sure. What else? Well, in maybe two weeks from now. Could you recognize you were bombing? Yeah. Okay, cool. That's nice. It was crazy. I did like jumping jacks back there. It was the dumbest thing in the world to do. Self-confidence.

is not real. With you? Yeah. Right. When do you feel confident? Within the realm of Wisconsin, normally. Yeah. Yeah, you're like one of the kings of Wisconsin. If I'm around a lot of cows, I'd do okay.

Enough about your girlfriend. Anything else interesting about you or your life at all? Literally anything worthwhile to listen to. You ever go tipping? Kyle Tippin? No, sir. I thought you meant tip-ups. I thought you were a big ice fishing fan. That was my mistake. Let's go back to the much broader question before I throw this little joke book at you. Anything interesting about your life at all? Uh...

I went to Mark Ruffalo's grandma's funeral and he didn't go. There you go, my friend. Congratulations. There he goes, everybody. Trevor Misho. Wow. Looks like the hanging himself might come to a full prophecy here. Be careful what you manifest, ladies and gentlemen. Don't write things down if you don't want them to happen.

Okay, I'm gonna do something kind of fun right now. I was upstairs before the show. Sam said that he noticed a funny comedian was here. Adam, the talent coordinator here, at the same time walked by and said that I just saw a great guy.

It's a hot tip because I busted his balls about, who was it? Was it Heath or fucking someone like that recently? And I said, they never tell me when anybody's good. I always send everybody to them. So this is the first time that I'm going to get to see somebody that my friends have told me is funny. And he's from Estonia and isn't in town for long. So I've never literally seen him before. But funny people have told me he's funny. We're going to give him a shot. Make some noise for Ari Matty, everybody. Here we go.

Ari Matti making his Kill Tony debut. Estonia. Yes, hello America. Number one still. As the lovely Tony said, I am from Estonia. People always ask you stupid questions when you're from Estonia. The one I get the most is, is it part of Russia? And now for the past year I've had to be like, we'll see.

Whose side am I on? The winners! I mean, if Russia does decide to attack us next, I hope it's in the next two weeks, cause I am here. Estonia? I've never heard of it! Go cowboys! I've been trying to get some pussy.

It's very difficult, because I'm gay. No. It's very difficult when you're an Eastern European, you know, because I don't have that confidence, you know, that personality. Every time I go into bars, I mean, especially here, I've been here for three days, fucking impossible. Every dude here has a thing, they have a hat. I went to bars here, I'm just in the corner with my creepy Eastern European energy. LAUGHTER

I come up to you, I sound like a vampire. I'm interested in pussy. Ah, ah.

Thank you, America. Steel number one. Fuck yeah. All right, Matty. Amazing. We let you go there because it was so fun. Finally a funny Ari on this show. Motherfucker. How dare you? The Wisconsin guy just killed himself. He hung himself with string cheese.

Great work, Ari. Thank you. Ari, welcome to the show. Fantastic fucking performance. How long have you been doing stand-up? Nine years. Hell yeah. All of it, obviously, in Estonia? Mostly, yes. It's a good hotbed of comedy, though, right? Nobody knows that. Sorry? It's a hotbed of comedy. Sorry, what? It's a hotbed of comedy. Hotbed of comedy? Yeah. What's that? I mean, like, every time in Edinburgh, they're like, there's gigs in Estonia, you should go check it out. There are gigs in Estonia, you should. Better than people know. Yeah, yeah. The very funny Samuel did. I did him, man. It was great, yeah.

you should go. Yeah, I'd like to. I think Ari wants to share a hot bed with you, you know what I'm saying? Anything for a visa, my friend. I don't give a fuck about what, all I give a fuck about is what passport you have. I'm with you, buddy. Tax break's a tax break. Gay, straight, I don't give a fuck. Hell yeah.

I'm okay, thank you very much. More of a vodka man myself. Ari, you are absolutely hilarious. Thank you. Tell us about your life. Like, how'd you end up like this? What do you mean, like this? You mean so handsome? Well, you see, Estonia was raped by many nations. That's what happens. I mean, if you look at the UK, not so good. Um...

Baby blue eyes? The Vikings. He doesn't need help. It's great. It is amazing. It is incredible what can happen if someone is funny on this show. It's like a whole different show. It's like a fucking all the way through comedy show.

I did a show in Estonia and they were buying me shots of vodka on stage and they were from like regional different drinks from the region. And the third shot was a shot of Ukrainian vodka and I shot it and then I said, wow, you can really taste the cowardice. Yeah. And then this guy in the front row was like, what do you mean? What do you mean Ukraine is not coward? What?

And then I had to do like 30 more minutes. It was tough. The Ukrainian vodka. Incredible. Amazing. So what is... Thank you, Tony. Thanks for the savor there, buddy. Amazing. Um,

So let me ask you, what is different from Estonian comedians to American comedians? How's the culture different there? Bilingual, you know, multiple languages. We travel, you know, we know stuff. Intellectual people. Super. Yeah. Everybody in Estonia? No.

Me and three other guys. Number one comedian in Estonia out of four. What is Estonia known for? What's it famous for? Skype. Use that little app. Not that much anymore. It was big for a while until FaceTime happened. Zoom took our shit. Yeah.

Where's Zoom from? China. Yeah. Yes. Hey, here's a question about Estonia. Where's like an underrated place to go? Tartu. Yes, exactly. What's going on there? Students. All the middle schools are in Tartu. Great little university town. Very cute. Very lovely. Tartu, me too. Everybody has a sauna. Everybody has a sauna. I had my sauna before I had my bed. Okay.

And yeah, everybody has a sauna. Amazing. And due to Joe Rogan, that has boosted our economy. Yeah, absolutely. I have a new one on the way right now. Elias? Yeah, very excited about it. Sweaty with the boys. Do you get... Well, I mean, that's one way of putting it. I was planning on mostly doing it by myself, but I guess you just invited yourself over, so...

You have one that you control with your phone or do you do the wood burning? Fuck the phone. No, no. Traditional. You have rocks. You throw water on them and it hurts but you take it like a man.

How do you heat the rocks? Electricity? I have an electrical one in my apartment, yeah. You have a what? An electrical one. Ah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. But the wooden one is the traditional one, yeah, where you can, like, burn alive, you know? But how do you heat the rocks on the traditional one?

Like when you put wood under, you see, and fire. Right, got it. Yes, I was just making sure because I kept asking about the wood. You should write in your face, dude. Hell yeah, dude. I just got fucking roasted. Roasted in the sauna territory.

I love it. And what is your love life like? Are you single? It's tough. I don't know if you know this, but there's a guy that is single. He's on a hammock on Rainy Street. So while you're in town, feel free to just buttfuck the shit out of him. Sorry, D Madness. He's mad at me now. No! You can be gay in this country still. Yeah, you're allowed. I know, it's crazy. I mean, what a world! Yeah.

Estonia has so many women, how do you decide which one to rape? Jesus. Mr. Ari Shafir. Sorry, he's a Jew in Christmas. He's upset. Mr. Muzzin.

Also, Estonia famously pro-Nazis. Oh, really? Yes. We killed the Jews before the Nazis even got there. We didn't want to start off on the wrong foot. Is that true? It is, yeah. Wow. How did you kill them? You sonned them? Stay in there. Yeah. Stay in there. We're going to just burn a little extra wood. Put a spoon in the door like you're not going anywhere. Yeah.

Okay, I love it. Well, it's fun to have you. Anything you want to plug or anything like that? My visa, my K-1. I watch 90 Day Fiancé. I learn a lot. Right. You need to find a gay one for your K-1.

Maybe they'll use a little A1. Who knows? Nice. Nice. So where can people find you or anything like that before you go? If you Google Estonian comedian, the only one that comes up. Okay. Amazing. Arimati, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. Thank you. Amazing performance. Thank you. Have a good night. Absolutely amazing.

And like that, we've come to the finish line. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. The longest standing regular in the history of the show. Oh, no. Coming off of taking a week off of shows right now. He's fresh. He is filled with bran bits. He has been very high fiber on this guy. Some people call him the Tijuana Tarantula. Others have called him the Memphis Tarantula.

Strangler. You know what I call him? What? My favorite comic. Ooh, Sam Talen's favorite comic, the Vanilla Gorilla, ladies and gentlemen. The Bronx Bomber. The Harlem Globetrotter. The Detroit Dixie Tale. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Man, I can't hear shit anymore! That is an out-of-work dynamite salesman. A masked man is leading the race to become president of Ghana, and it made me think Hillary should have just worn a mask. Last week, have you seen that bitch lately? She looking rough! Okay.

Remember that show, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Yeah, so what was the fucking answer? That is an out-of-work dynamite salesman. Hunter Biden has been indicted in California because apparently he spent $872,000 on porn, hookers, and sex clubs. Hey, Red Band, any explanation for the $42,000 checks sent to your mom? laughter

Come on. You're going to take that? Give a sound effect. But seriously, what exactly is a sex club? Seems like it would be a lot easier to just use your fists. Okay, that's my time. Yeah. William Montgomery. That wasn't bad. William, do you know that jacket's inside out, bro?

Oh, wow. Yeah, I wore it on purpose like this tonight. It is inside out. Very interesting look. What made you do that? Just freezing cold outside, and it adds extra protection if the orange side is out. That's what the guy who sold it to me said. He's like, if the orange side is out, it stays warmer if the green part is... So that's what I'm doing.

Amazing. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. I didn't get the last joke about the fist. Just like a sex club, like you use it to like, I don't know, put it on a girl's fucking pussy or something, but you can just use your fist. I get it now. My bad. No, no, all right. No, I get it now. I was wrong. I get it.

I love it. The great Trey Campbell was up here earlier looking a lot like you. You remember him? He was, yes. We were actually snorting Adderall out of my car before the show. He has a really bad fever right now. That's why he was so red. Broderick.

Yeah, y'all are all probably sick up here. I was horrified. He looked like he had cholera. Yeah, he's sick as shit right now. But we were snorting the Adderall, so I'm sick as shit right now. And, oh, God. You're a straw, did you? How's your health been in real life? It's been good. I heard you have inoperable cancer.

Well, I had a 50% chance of living and they took it off. I'm better now. What was the other 50%? That I was going to fucking die a coward. No, yeah, I don't know what the other 50%. They would never tell me.

I was asking. I was like, what, to live or to die? I was like, what's the other 50%? 50% live, 50% who knows? Yes, that's what they gave me, so that's worse than death. Can you guys just touch beards and get it over with? I just kind of... Ari, last time you sucked my dick, I saw your fucking dick earlier, dude. Holy shit, Ari, it's so nice to see you again. Yeah, can we...

Oh, can we put our beards together a little? Yeah. And some homeless guy just got his own fentanyl. Hell yeah. A real meeting of the minds here.

Shafir and Montgomery. William, do you have big Christmas plans? I know you guys love Christmas. Going back to Memphis, well, tomorrow I have to fly to New York City and I'm going to be there at 1 p.m. I have to do this thing for Dr. Squatch. And I'll be honest, I'm wearing this fucking orange tonight because I think my angle on the show I have to do is that I'm looking for Dr. Squatch and I'm killing Dr. Squatch and...

No, actually, Tony, I don't know what my angle's going to be yet, so we're going to figure it out. Interesting. You're doing a corporate gig for the soap Dr. Squatch? For Dr. Squatch, yeah. What the fuck is Dr. Squatch? What does that mean? Yeah, explain the situation. Well, it's weirdly enough they asked me because it's the type of soap that caused my skin cancer, so they're going to be in for a big surprise tomorrow night at this fucking show. Wait a minute. I had pinpointed it to fucking Dr. Squatch. I was using them several years before I started getting skin cancer. What?

It's their fucking fault. Dr. Squatch gave me fucking skin cancer. So they're gonna be in for a really big surprise tomorrow night, Tony. Wait. Corporate headquarters!

A little fun fact, because sometimes the line between truth and fiction with William is very blurry. He literally, I happen to know for a fact, because he mentioned it to me on the backside of things in a green room or wherever it was. He goes, hey, I wanted to get your advice on something. I got offered this huge corporate gig with Dr. Squatch. And I asked him, I go, what are they paying you? And he goes, $10.

Long story short, I'll just tell you guys, he goes, hire. And I named another number, and he goes, hire. And I named another number, and he goes, hire. So literally, you're watching him burn money in front of you right now. He's literally saying that the company that he's paying him, I was just saying. And I'm going to be at their headquarters tomorrow in New York City. Tony. I know it caused my cancer.

And I had a 50% chance of living, Ari, and I don't know what the fuck the other percent chance was that I was going to go to fucking corporate of fucking Dr. Squatch and lay down the fucking law. You should hold this episode back. The cymbal crash was lighter on that one. Yeah, the band is hilarious.

So is this something you're planning on doing at this corporate gig that Dr. Squatch is paying you for to say that it gave you skin cancer? Yeah, I mean, this is a perfect opportunity. Are you gambling on the fact that every single member of the Dr. Squatch corporate team in New York City... Oh yeah, no, Tony, they're all going to be there. I already know. But are you gambling on the fact that they're

all Kill Tony fans and are like, oh, you don't know that's William. He's wild. I'm gambling on the fact that they caused my fucking skin cancer. I had a 50% chance at living on this earth with all y'all and...

But yeah, no. So we'll see. I'm pissed off. We're going to see. Tony, I'd hold this episode back for about three weeks. What? I'd hold this back by about three weeks before you release it. Yeah, cash the check tomorrow, Willie. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah, get it and cash it. I'm not even going to try to get the check. I can't really go into details exactly what is going down in New York City tomorrow. Hey, William. Did you take the mystery box? I took the mystery box.

How's the fiber intake going? We've heard a lot about your fiber lately. What's the name of the cereal that you eat record amounts of? Kellogg's All Brand Buds. The boxes are $8 a box. I recently went to the grocery store. I was starving. It was like 2 in the morning. I've been starving recently at like 2 in the morning. I don't know if you'll ever just get so hungry at like 2 in the morning, but I was starving the other...

couple Tuesdays ago and man I was just fucking walking around in there those boxes are like seven uh seven or eight dollars but I don't know if y'all have ever just been so starving at like fucking like 12 like yeah like 2 a.m fucking Tuesday night you're just like starving yeah like uh it seems like you were really hungry in this place yeah it's like you go to a fucking grocery store and you can't even see the food you're like where's the food

Because you're... Because you're starving. Right. How long before that was your most recent meal? It seems like you were very hungry. I'm on this new diet, Tony. It's called the mole-complicative something diet. It's basically where you go one day where you eat, one day where you don't eat, two days where you don't eat, one...

Two days where you eat. It goes up from there. You're getting up to, I don't know, a couple weeks where you're not eating. Then you're eating for a couple weeks. And during that couple weeks, you've got to really eat. Because you're going to be starving. The Estonia guy must be so confused. This is what you guys do at comedy clubs. Why? Why don't I eat jokes? Okay.

William, interesting. And have you done any puzzles or anything to pass the time lately? You famously talked about a puzzle a couple weeks ago, and then you posted a picture, you sent it to me at least, of this puzzle.

puzzle that you described on the oh thank you Ari podcasting guru Ari Shafir everybody just a little favor from Ari so what have you been doing to pass the time lately William been doing puzzles yeah another thousand pieces in the works can you describe this puzzle for us

So it's sort of, it's like a sandcastle, Tony, and it's a funny puzzle where half of the sandcastle, half of the puzzle is in the daytime, half of the puzzle is in the nighttime, Tony. So there's like scenes where the moon is glistening on the sandcastle. Keep going, keep going. There's sandcastles everywhere. Go up the shirt, go up the shirt.

There's sandcastles everywhere. It's glistening. It's like half of it's night, half of it's daytime. People don't even know if there's sand traps. There's all kinds of sand, Tony. And then there's also... Matt Reif, one hand in the belt up. There's boogie boarders. There's a bunch of boogie boarders out in the ocean. Oh, you found it! It's a decent...

It's going to be four more weeks of spring. Sam, I have a really long torso. It's not what y'all think.

But yeah, no, I think the thing I like most about this puzzle, half is daytime, half is nighttime. There's a little cabana off to one of the sides, and the nighttime part, there's a cabana. And there's drinks and all kinds of stuff just glistening in the cabana, so it's been hard finding all the drinks and finding all the snacks. Oh, man.

Anything else, William, before we let you go? That was like a Sam Harris podcast. Yeah, what just happened right there? I literally tried to think about the puzzle, but Ari, I couldn't. You got groped. Kill Tony, the pro molestation podcast. The Grinch stole your dick. Wild. Wild.

It's like, isn't it interesting if he was gay, that would have been worse. That would have been like a sexual assault. Yeah, but this was just a good old-fashioned horseplay. Yeah, it really was. It was just tomfoolery. Yeah.

A little bit of that locker room jive. You know what I'm saying? A little bit of that knockery. I'm just going to be thinking about that fucking tomorrow night at the headquarters of Dr. Squatch when I'm fucking... I swear, I'm going to be so fast in that place. I'm going to be moving swiftly. And yeah, I mean, everybody's in there. I feel like your roller quarters is about to get some head. You know what I'm saying? Make sure you eat before you get on that plane tomorrow because you might end up being absolutely...

And Tony, I ain't ever gonna start eating! I'm on the part of the diet plan where I'm not eating. Set up for starving, but yes, you went with the other branding thing there. Starving. The starving thing was really working for you. I figured I'd feed it to you. I figured I'd try to feed you a line since you were... So hungry. I was starving. William lights out Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. The legend of the show.

We did it again. ConnectMobileHealth.com. Use the promo code KILT15. Get a fucking IV drip. NinjaPartyBus.com with shuttles going to the arenas on December 30th and 31st. KillMerch.com. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in. Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Law Firm.

Sam Tallent's new special. Make some fucking noise for Sam Tallent. I tried to warn you people. The Toad's Morale of December 26th on Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast YouTube channel. Mark Norman.

Make some noise for the great Mark Norman. Plug something, Mark. Say something. Hey, marknormancomedy.com. Go to special YouTube, Netflix podcast. Our dear big brother and dark lord, Ari Shafir, has graced us. Ari, give it to him. Thank you. I'd like to promote that Danny Brown and Billy Strange should do a duet together. Pro Hamas. Fuck yeah. From the river to the sea. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

Matt Muehling on the electric, John Deese on the keys, D Madness on the bass guitar, Paul Deemer on the horns, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The drawing from your local artist, Chris Rogers is in. It's a new William Montgomery.

These are available for sale in the lobby with some brand new exclusive Kill Tony merchandise or Red Band. Check out the Sunset Strip at sunsetstripatx.com. Merry Christmas. We love you. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Merry Christmas, y'all. Two, three, four. ... ... ... ...

Oh