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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. All our merch can be found for Kill Tony at KillMerch.com. Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.
And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called The Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Kill Tony Band. And the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at sunsetstripatx.com. And now a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
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Hey, y'all. It is a super duper digital event like nothing we've ever done before. A two-night experience unlike anything in Kill Tony history. Go to killtonylive.com and get your live streaming tickets for the two arena shows. So much insanity is going to happen.
As always, I always keep the guests and anything that I have up my sleeve a complete surprise for you. But if I told you what was going to happen on these two nights, you would be pumped. And plus, you already know all your favorite regulars and, of course, Rick Diaz versus Hans Kim for eternal regularship on the show. A battle of two absolute autistic devils.
Titans. Who knows what can happen? A lot of special treats, a lot of special guests. It's going to be like the 10-year anniversary show, but on absolute steroids. Super pumped. Get tickets now and support your favorite show in the world. The number one live podcast started with 14 people in a tiny little room. Now we're going global. That's killtonylive.com for the amazing two-night event, December 30th and 31st.
You're going to be sick of your family. Have some laughs. Enjoy two nights of Kill Tony live. Anything can happen. Kill Tony live dot com. Oh,
Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hetchclay! Who's ready for the best fucking early evening of their lives, huh? Yeah! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Hi!
You did it. You made it, you lucky fucks. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Gel Blaster, The Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Law Firm, NinjaPartyBus.com, where you can now get shuttles for the December 30th and New Year's Eve shows that are happening at the HEB Center.
Austin Security Guard Service, KillMerch.com, and ConnectMobileHealth.com, which gave us all IV drips today. We are fully recovered from the first ever Comedy Mothership Christmas party owned by Joe Rogan, which you can imagine was a hell of a Christmas party. We did it last night. And thanks to ConnectMobileHealth.com, we are fully refreshed. I mean, look at us just glowing up here.
This is the best I've ever seen Red Band look. If you would have known what we were doing at 4 a.m. last night, you would be shocked that we are here and alive. And we're happy to announce that there's a new promo code, KILL15, where you can get 15% off an IV drip. These things fucking work. If you guys have a wild night in Austin, get a fucking IV drip. You feel 130% better, like you had a full night's rest.
And connectmobilehealth.com is your official sponsor of the band tonight, everybody. You heard them, you love them. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Diemer on the horns, the great Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. That's John Dees, the leader of the band on the keys, celebrating three years with us. And this is the backbone, Dee Madness, ladies and gentlemen, on the bass guitar.
A lot of fun stuff about to happen. Before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. We have a retarded guy in the absolute dead center of the room asking me how I am. So this is going to be your chance. Oh, nope. Yeah, you're gone. They already got you. They give a quick diagnosis here, bro. This is a real live show.
I know I do. See you later, pal. Did I mention that IV drips can completely sober you up and make you feel great? Hey, y'all, the holidays can be a lot. They used to leave a lot of people drained, but not this year. This year, a lot of people are enjoying the holidays thanks to the gift of therapy from Talkspace. You know, they are out there helping so many people. You sign up online, you get matched with a provider, typically within 48 hours, and it's all at Talkspace.com.
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Well, well, well. This is one of those episodes we're going with one guest tonight, and this is one of those magical moments in the history of the show. When we started this at the Comedy Store ten and a half years ago, there are certain Comedy Store absolute fucking legends and icons who helped build that club, part of the backbone of that club.
Most of them aren't even fucking alive anymore. But meanwhile, we're able to snag one that not only is alive, he's thriving. One of the best, one of the backbones of the actual comedy store. A paid regular for almost half a fucking century. A fan of Kill Tony. It is a goddamn honor. Ladies and gentlemen, his first time on the show. Make some noise for Howie Mando!
Oh my God! Yeah baby! Oh yeah! Yeah! God damn mother fucking right! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Wow! Wow! Yeah! Wow!
You guys are amazing! This is amazing! You guys are amazing! I just want to say to the people that are watching this, there's a 15 minute set or a 20 minute set of this band before the show even starts. You fucking crush it! This is so fucking amazing! This is so... and it's so much fun to say things like fucking amazing!
Oh yeah. This is like, this is like, you know what it's like? It's like my parents put on AGT and now they went out of town. I could say fuck and I wanted to say, I was going to say how are you, but I don't want to get thrown out because I just got here. God forbid you ask Tony how he's doing. Get the fuck out of here. You're gone. You're gone. Yeah, I know. This is a tough fucking show. This is great.
This is... I was telling you before I came out here, I was telling you that the reason I love this show, and the reason I love this show, not only do I love Tony and Red Band and the band, everybody, but this is... I started in this... I'm old, and this is an early show. To people who were watching, this is an early show because I got an early bird special at a restaurant down the street, and then I'm going to go play bingo. But the thing is that I started in the 70s. That didn't deserve a fucking rim shot. It wasn't a joke. I just...
The truth. What the fuck is wrong with you? But anyway, I told him I started in the 70s and the feeling of this show, when I went to the comedy store in 1977, Richard Pryor would walk on the fucking stage and I'm telling you, jaws would drop and he would shock and there's no such thing as political correctness. It's fucking comedy. And now...
I live in L.A., and it's tough. I can't say what I want to say. And this is the only... You give people a platform to do it right. It's funny. It's raw. It's fuck. You're not recording it. You can say anything on this fucking show except, Tony, how you doing? LAUGHTER
That, you are fucking out of it. We don't stand for that here. I love that you have rules. Yeah. No being nice to me. Can you imagine, there's a guy in the street now. There's a guy in the street. I got thrown out. What'd you do? I said, how are you?
And he threw out, not only me, he threw out the guy I was sitting with. Yeah, they did. He's going, why would you ask him how he is? Yeah. Okay. It's tough. It's a whole different, this is a different ball game. It really is. It is wild out here on these streets in Austin, and we're so honored to have you, Howie Mandel. We're going to have so much fucking fun. I cannot wait.
It is. We're going to find out who's got fucking talent tonight, right? Yes, we are. And you know how it works, Howie. They're talking. You're talking to each other. What are you saying to each other? Get the fuck out of here. They were talking. I saw them talking to each other. I saw it. What were you saying? Those guys what? Killing a fifth. Drinking before. Oh, they were drinking. Drinking a bottle of liquor. We got a fucking telling on them. What the fuck?
I know why he said, how you doing? He was so fucking drunk. He said, how are you? That's the level of drunkness. They were very drunk. I saw the three security people at once zoom in there. We have a very quick, they analyze the situation very quickly. That's the great Mercedes over there, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
What appears to be a hot chick is a fucking former Navy SEAL that will kill you with an index finger. So, you know, very multifaceted staff we have here at the Comedy Mothership. Joe Rogan, in order to get a job here, Rogan watches you kick a heavy bag. So it's not easy to be a security guard here.
Okay, how about a hand? We have the great George Floyd here seating people. He's alive and well. Oh, it's David Jolly. Okay, the legend of the show, David Jolly. I get them all confused sometimes. Anyway, a ton of people signed up for the chance to be on the show. Howie, you know how it works. If I pull a name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
Which interrupts them, interrupts them, and then we talk to them. I interview them. We find out more about them and what they could be talking about or what makes them interesting. And we're going to get right to it. But I'm going to pre-pull a name here. And we're going to get them from the bar next door. We are pre-pulling.
They're not even in the building. They are actually next door. There is a dirty, dirty little bar called Shakespeare's right next door here where we funnel the comedians into. They stand around, they wait. One of the producers runs over out the back door into their back door and yells a name. And one of them gets up excitedly and they double check, make sure it's the right person. Is that a club? Is it a club? It's like a bar. Yeah. So there's people that are in that bar that have nothing to do with Kill Tony. Yeah.
There's a guy sitting at the bar going, I'm just, you're hot, but my name's in a bucket. I can't stay. But I'll just be a minute, and then I'll be back, and maybe later we can...
I like that. And now there's two more guys at Shakespeare's that are like, what the fuck just happened to us next door? We'll take a fifth of liquor, please. Oh, yeah, here they are, the replacement killers. Well, that's them? That's a replacement? You have a seat filler? This is like the Academy Awards. Yeah, it is. It is. You know how fucking lucky you are? You know how lucky you are? Yeah.
You know what it takes to get two seats, center, third row? An idiot with a drink that goes, how you doing? And here you are. They're celebrities. That's Honey Boo Boo and Mama June right there, fresh off of... There's a lot of... It is like the Academy Awards. You'll never know who you see out here. There's a lot of... Wow. A lot of celebrities. Story about your sister.
That's why I had that reference. It's because I saw that. Too soon? Never too soon. Not here. All right. So to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, while we wrangle the comedian from next door, I think you guys know what happens here. You guys are fans of the show, correct? Well, we're going to start it how we always do. You guys know the words to this song? This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim, everybody.
A brand new 60 Seconds from the great Mike Schiff. Hello. A lot of woke people nowadays are saying that you can't be racist to white people. What, so I'm supposed to be nice to them? If I can't be racist to white people, then why do their thin little lips start quivering? And I can see their buttholes pucker up because they have no butt cheeks.
I feel bad for white people. Maybe if they didn't kill all the Native Americans, they wouldn't have to take hip-hop dance classes to feel better about themselves. I love watching Fox News because it makes me look at Mexicans differently. Now when I see a Mexican, I just want to document them. That's my problem with Mexicans. Not enough paperwork involved. Sometimes I'll just hand them a receipt. But yes, a lot of crazy things happening.
I think it's fucked up that gay marriage is legal in Texas, but weed isn't. Sometimes I'll be like, man, I really wish I could smoke a joint, but I guess I'll suck a dick instead. Thank you. There you go, Hans Kim with a little mind eraser of a closer there at the end. One good closer makes us forget that the 55 seconds before that wasn't that strong.
It was like observational comedy without any good observations. White people don't have an ass. Yeah, a little bit. And do all white people have thin lips, Hans? Not you, Tony. That's right, not me, Tony.
Do Asian people have thicker lips than white people? Is that a thing? I hope so. It's very sad how thin your lips are. No, I don't really notice lips that much. I didn't understand the answer. Me neither. I would like to buy a vowel. LAUGHTER
Yeah, I think white people are great. I was just poking fun. I make fun of everyone. Yeah, but you're making shit up. You're really funny. I'm a fan of yours. I've watched you on the show and I love the closing joke. It's just that as a comedian who's been in it, if you're going to do observational comedy, you can't just make shit up. Well, don't you think it's a stereotype that white people have thin lips? I don't think that. I mean, if we're comparing it to... Lisa Renna once said to me, she said...
Howie, if you're gonna make jokes... See, I made a reference and I got as much laughter as you did. So maybe it's not your fault. Maybe it's the room. I often blame the room. This time it's not so much the room. So thin lips, Mexicans documented. You give them a... what did you say? A receipt? Yeah, I just want to give them paperwork. Because it's a document. Yeah.
Okay. But the last one, remember the last one? Yeah. Everyone loved that one. They really did. Let's focus on that. You should open with that and closed with it. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Just one joke all the way through.
People can't get enough of sucking dicks. Quit while you're ahead. No pun intended. It is true. Stop doing that, Michael. So...
Enough with the set, Hans. Tell us about what's going on in your real life. That's always the most interesting thing about you. Let's find out what's going on this week. I've been having a great real life. I've been to Appleton, Wisconsin recently, which doesn't sound as cool. Oh, a lot of thin lips up there. A lot of the thin-lipped people, if you know what I mean. Yeah.
A lot of the people with those barely-can-see-them lips. The whites. Were you at a cheese festival? I was actually pursuing my career. That's kind of where my career is at right now, is Appleton. Comedy? Yes, comedic. Appleton, you did comedy? Yes, Skyline Comedy Club. Was it in a tower? It was pretty high up, like third floor.
Or the skyline. The skyline of Wisconsin. Yeah, the skyline of Wisconsin. Not that high. How'd it go? It went fantastically. Did you do any of this material there? I tried to avoid any of the material I did here tonight, but I did a lot of old stuff, which, you know, talking about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Ooh, topical. Very good. No better time than 2023. LAUGHTER
But I went up there, I'd be like, is there any black people in the audience? And sometimes there'd be no one, no black people there. I'd be like, good, a perfect audience. Right. Yeah, that makes sense. But if there was a black audience, I'd be like, oh, Wisconsin is so gerrymandered, that table just became a congressional district.
Okay, so it's probably better if there were no black people. Because one of them is a really good joke and the other one is about gerrymandering, everybody. I know I love a good gerrymandering joke every once in a while. You know those thin lips, they love gerrymandering. Yes, indeed. The old thin-lipped whites.
I love it. Okay, how's your relationship going this week? My girlfriend's great. We recently started doing acro yoga. You know, it's very stressful. What is that? It's like where I balance her on my foot and try not to get my toes in her pussy.
Wouldn't that be called pussyfooting? Don't pussyfoot around me. I try not to pussyfoot around my girlfriend. Did you have a toe in the pussy yet? That's interesting that that was the first thing that you referenced. Was there a toe in the pussy and did you do it on purpose? Yes. Whoa. What's the difference between an athlete's foot and chlamydia? It's the same thing. I got chlamydia on my foot right now.
But yes, it's great. The way he could just take a concept and run with it. It's amazing. I got chlamydia on my...
Just stop. You just stop. Sorry about that. Don't apologize for me. Yeah, no apologies, Hans. Anything else we should know about? I know about your family. I've watched you before. Your father lives overseas, right? Yes. He's Korean and overseas. He's in Korea? Yes. Yes. Do you talk to him? I haven't in about six months. Why? Uh.
It's just a little awkward. So do you want to cut can we call him now? Yeah, can we call mr. Kim? Oh Yeah, oh I love this idea Howie. Thank you. Where is it? Where what time is it where he is? It's probably around 6:00 a.m. Or that's good. Good morning. We'll leave him a voicemail He speaks English, right? Yes a little bit
This is Hans Dad. This is Hans Dad. This is Hans Dad. This is Hans Dad. This is Hans Dad. Would this be considered outsourcing comedy? I think so. I don't know. This is...
Is it ringing? Do you have it on speakerphone? Yeah. Put it on speaker. This is a Korean ring. Are you serious? No way. What you just said or is there a sound? Turn it up. This is a cacao talk. Hold on. Everybody stop. Are you on speaker? Yes.
Hello, Mr. Kim. It's Tony of Kill Tony. Hello? Hello? Hello?
Do you think white people have thin lips? I just want to see if it's a family thing. Sorry, I don't understand. Oh. White people. Do you know what white people... White people? Hello? Hello? Hi. This is amazing. Mr. Kim, it's Tony. Have you ever watched Hans do comedy before?
Sorry, I cannot hear you. Is this really what your dad sounds like? What does this guy do for a living? He's a mathematician. He's a mathematician. Give me the phone. What was that? Say that again. I'm a mathematician. Yes, very good. And you know Hans is a comedian, right? Yes, I know. Have you ever watched him on the hit show Kill Tony before?
Interesting, you know your son is wildly successful, correct? Yes, are you proud of him? Wow, the crowd goes wild. That was the correct answer, Mr. Kim.
Can I call you Mr. Kim? Yes. Do you know any of his jokes? Do you know his jokes?
Yeah, I heard some of them. I want him to tell you just the closing joke from tonight. Tell your father that joke. Do the joke. Hans is going to do a joke. This went over well. You should be very proud. This is your son now telling you the closing joke from tonight. And feel free to laugh right into the phone if you think it's funny. And don't laugh if you think it's not funny. Go ahead. So...
I'm sorry, I don't understand that joke. Explain it to him.
Well, yeah, it's because you can suck a dick, but you can't smoke weed. How do you say penis in Korean? Gochu. Gochu. You can't smoke marijuana, but you could lick gochu. Funny? What?
I don't know what the coach is. Penis. Penis. Dick. Dick. There's the line. That's what we were looking for. Look how we bring the world together. I didn't know you can speak Korean. Yeah, we can talk Korean. Ko-choo to you, buddy.
It's so nice. It's beautiful the way you bring father and son together. This is incredible. This is the first time we've talked to you. We've heard so much about you before. Hans is an absolute star. Are you proud of him for having a white American girlfriend?
With thin lips. He's okay with sucking dick. Your girlfriend. I'm not so happy about it. I don't mind. Not especially. I think if he has a girlfriend, that's fine. That's good. But fight or other things are not important.
Oh, other things are more important. Race is not important. Race is not important. Wow. Just the gochu. Race is very important to Hans. He must get his racism from his mother. How do you say, how do you say, how do you say vagina? I actually didn't learn that one. Sir, how do you say vagina? How do you say vagina in Korean?
Uh, "Jung-goo"? "Jung-goo"? So your son puts his foot in her "kun-jo"? "Jung-ga"? Sorry. He puts his "ku-jo" in her... Just to... I want him to know that she's very open.
To your culture, so he knows she's accepting. A woman who lets you put her foot in her cucho is an accepting person. Before we let you go, Mr. Kim, one last question. Do you know any jokes? Do you have a short joke that you'd like to do for the first time in Kill Tony history? We have you here on speakerphone. Do you know any jokes?
One joke. Here's what I'm gonna say. You tell the joke, you say the joke in Korean,
and talk slowly and then your son will translate it into English for us. Yes. This is so weird. Kill Tony is closed caption. It is amazing. You do the joke in Korean and Hans is going to translate it for us. Martin Luther King Day joke has to be good. I hope it ends in the N word. Let's go. Go. Hans went to library
on Martin Luther King's day and the library is closed. So he cannot learn about Martin Luther King. - Can you translate louder? - It should be open on Martin Luther King's day. And instead of that,
The library shouldn't be closed. Why can I translate? Hitler's birthday. Wow. The whole crowd became Asian. That was actually good. That was better than your son's first 50 seconds of his set tonight. Thank you, sir. Mr. Kim, thank you so much for talking to us. Thanks.
Your son is absolutely killing it. He's a star. He has a full-time career. He's absolutely a stud. You raised a great boy. Thank you so much. What? I'm gonna pay for my interview? Gotta go. See you later, buddy.
Oh, shit. Man, that guy knows how to get me to hang up real quick. He started doing the math. Yeah, exactly. A true mathematician. Am I going to get a pay for my interview? My lips started to quiver. I could barely tell they're so thin. Hans, what a great way to start the show. You did it again. Thank you, Tony. You beautiful, beautiful boy. Come on. The legend Hans Kim. Thank you.
Going up against Rick Diaz for permanent regularship on New Year's Eve. The stream is on sale now. Killtonylive.com. Our first bucket pool has been pulled. We're pre-pooling the second one. This person got dragged out of the bar next door. It looks like a new name. Make some noise for Dayton Bissett, everybody. Hi. Hi.
My name's Dayton and I don't understand why because my parents aren't from Ohio. They're from Oklahoma. So I asked my dad where my name came from and he was like, well, I was Dayton your mom. Which honestly that makes a lot of sense because my brother's name is Buttfuck.
He was a miracle. I started comedy around the same time Louis got canceled for jerking off in front of women. And I was like, fuck, that's why I got into this. Yeah.
Actually, I'm not really sure why I started comedy. I think it's just because I've always been a big fan of it, you know? Like, when I was 10, I wrote Robin Williams a letter. It just said, kill yourself. He didn't respond. All right. Dayton Bissette.
I love it. Welcome to the show. Hi, hello. This is your first time here, correct? Yeah. I love it. And Austin, too, first time. Okay, welcome. Wow, where are you from? I live in New York now, but I'm from Kansas City. Wow, you have that kind of laid-back, kind of comfortable attitude that I like. Thank you. You don't seem laid-back. You seem like really nervous and uncomfortable. I was just being facetious, but it's funny.
You are so fucking funny. You really are. Have you done stand-up before? Yeah, I'm about five years in. Five years. How long have you been in New York? Just a year. Right. And how long have you been in Austin? I just got, like, I drove 12 hours last night from Kansas City. Really? Yeah. You drove 12 hours?
Like last night. Yeah, I left at like 6 p.m., got in at like around 5 a.m. Wow, look at you. Where are you staying while you're here? I'm staying with my pal. Okay. So you went straight there at 5 a.m., took a little nap, woke up. Yeah. You've been in the bar next door waiting. Yes. And you got pulled out. Yes. Amazing. Hell yeah. Absolutely incredible. Hell yeah. You're really funny. Thank you.
You're really funny. I'm telling you, you got a future in this. I was expecting when you came out, you were so, you seemed a little fucked up. No, but it doesn't, you don't give the impression like, I got this. But that's what's beautiful about you, that you keep that. Stay, no matter how comfortable you get, stay uncomfortable.
No, because I like your discomfort. Does that make any sense? Yeah. Yeah, I love it. And you have a good look. You have the little star power. You look like Logan Paul with leukemia. It's very good. It's very good. What do you do for a living that you had to drive 12 hours instead of buying a flight? I mean...
I've been living since I moved to New York just off stand-up. Oh, boy. But it's not... I mean, going... I've got to get a job when I get back. Yeah. What are you going to do? What type of job are you going to look for? I don't know. Just something that they don't rely on me for. What have you...
What have you done before? What is your experience? You could be an Ozempic salesman. Yeah, absolutely. I was a lifeguard for like five years. A lifeguard? Yeah. If I was fucking drowning and I saw you, I wouldn't even yell help. I would just let... Fuck it. Can you help? Nah, fuck it. I saw two kids die. Yeah. Did you? I'm not kidding, yeah. You saw two kids die? Yeah. Really? Yeah. At the same time? Why are you laughing? I don't know.
You were the fucking lifeguard and you watched two kids die? No, I wasn't involved. I did CPR. I know you weren't involved. That was the problem. No one thinks you were holding their heads down.
You watched that while you were lifeguarding? The first one was in 2019. I was on the top of a water slide and it happened. And God forbid you should slide down. How are you going to get down there to the drowning kid? I'm on top of the slide. It was at the wave pool and a kid was under for a long time and he was like... How do you know he was under for a long time? Because you were fucking watching. Yeah.
You are not good at guarding life. Whoa, that's number two. I'm going to go into comedy. Two drownings is a lot for a lifeguard. You might be one of the worst lifeguards I've ever heard of. Yeah, the manager of the water park I worked at when the ambulance was still in the park, he made me go up to the family and offer them Dippin' Dots.
Are you fucking serious? That's not a joke at all. Yeah, no. Don't you think they've seen enough dots dip? Oh my God. They lost their child? They didn't know yet. So you're going to surprise them. They're going to go, look, we got free dipping dots. Right. We got free dipping dots. Wait, let me finish. Yeah.
So is that true? Do you offer them Dippin' Dots? Yeah, a little family. And then who broke the news to them that their child had died? I don't know. I was gone at that point. You're just the Dippin' Dots guy. Yeah, exactly. Here's some Dippin' Dots. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible. What do you do for fun when you're not being terrible at being a lifeguard and doing stand-up?
I sit in my bed and stare at the ceiling, overthink everything. I don't know. I don't have enough money to have fun. Wouldn't it be easier to lie on the bed to stare at the ceiling? If you're sitting on the bed, you just... I think that's harder than that. My neck does hurt. It's a 90-degree angle. That's why two kids drown, because he just sits there like this. Water is down there. I hear a lot of splashing. What am I going to do? I'm at the top of the fucking slide. How am I supposed to... I just keep hearing, help, help.
Oh, here's the dipping duck truck. So, are you in a lesbian relationship at some point? Yeah.
Yeah, I am. Yeah, you are. Where'd you meet that girl at? I met her in Kansas City. She's a comic. And then you drove 15 hours. Is she here with you? No, she's not. Are you in a relationship? Yeah. How do you know? You didn't know that the kid was drowning. How do you know that you're with somebody? It could just be in my head. How long have you been going out?
About a year. About a year. And do you think you're going to take it to the next level? Like, will you have sex? Hopefully. How far have you gotten so far? How many fingers? Just the one. There you go. Do you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy? No. Zero. Um...
Yeah, no. Nothing at all? I can build Legos pretty good. Wow. Yeah. That's a closer for the ladies. Yeah, you are your own cock blocker. It's incredible. All right, Dayton. Well, you did what you had to do. You came up. You had a good minute, right? Hell yeah. Did you guys like him? I like him. This is a big joke book.
Take one of those. That's from the great Bones Eye. Hell yeah. And you did it. Way to get it started right out of the bucket. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. By the way, a little fun fact. I've been made aware. For those of you interested, we have breaking news. Breaking news. Just in case anybody's interested, the two guys that got kicked out started a fight with a security guard outside, and they have both been arrested, ladies and gentlemen. So there you go. See? See?
What appears to be... It appears to be that we're tough here. Like, oh, how are you? But how are you is a very telling, troubling thing. I know, but when you're sitting in the cell and the guy goes, what are you in for? I asked Tony. I said, how are you? And then it all went downhill from there. He's in the fucking chair. That's...
It's like not real. How'd you get in here? How are you? How are you doing? Amazing. How are you doing? You didn't even yell anything. Pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun yet? All right. Here comes another one. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Ty Marion, everybody. Ty Marion is next live on Kill Tony. Thank you.
My little brother is half Mexican, a professional clown, and a gay. But none of those are what's really annoying about him. What is is he feels like he's gotta be included in everything. He's a little cholo, bozo, homo with fomo. You know? Yolo. I think my best friend, I think my best friend's starting to go crazy. He just recently bought one of those lifelike sex dolls.
He knows what I'm talking about. The other day, I went to his house, and when I walked in, he was crying. He was holding a pair of these underwear. He was screaming at that doll, "Whose underwear are these?" And, man, when I saw this, as his friend, I knew I had to be supportive, especially 'cause those are my favorite underwear.
My dad is trans, but it's cool 'cause I never see him. Y'all know what it's like having a transparent, transparent,
Thank you. - Ty Marion, okay. I get it, you kinda have a little trademark. You're like a little pun wordsmith. - He's a wordsmith. - Yeah. - You got funny words and you put words together. - It's English. - What? They're English? - I know. - Majority case you didn't understand. - No, I know, the bozo with the FOMO and the transparent. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Good. You don't have the face of a guy that would be a wordsmith.
No, more like a blacksmith, probably. Yeah, there you go. You just did it again, you son of a bitch. Look at you. You're a little trickster over there.
I love it. You've been on this show before. You have a face that's kind of memorable, like a melting pumpkin or something like that. Thanks. Yeah. You made fun of it. Everybody actually made fun of it. Y'all made fun of it last time I was on. You made fun of my complexion. What did I say? Something just being dark looking and weird looking. You remember. You remember. Come on. It was better than that.
There's got to be a word for what he said. No, you just said basically, essentially it made it sound like I was brown, round, and had downs. Is everything that you kept saying. That sounds like one of your jokes. That's his thing. Hell yeah. That's his thing. You're like the new Nipsey Russell. Nobody knows who Nipsey Russell is. No. But he was a guy in the 80s, I guess, that rhymed. Yes. Yeah, so you're kind of more of a poet than a comedian. Like a poet. Yeah. The other day I called the W word, the wigger,
I don't know. But the guy, yeah, I know. I don't know. He said it with the ER and I was really offended. I was so. Somebody called you that? Yeah. What did you do right before that to where they would call you that? We were just talking and I guess apparently sometimes my cadence or my voice sometimes comes off a little thuggish. Yeah.
No, just lethargic. Just lethargic. It's kind of like I don't give a shit. I took one too many Quaaludes. Whatever the... You just seem like really... Like you just woke up. It wasn't one too many. I think it was the right amount of Quaaludes. Just perfect. Just floating right now. Are you high? A little bit, yeah. High on marijuana. Yeah, I did some edibles earlier. Okay. Monday. Absolutely. Yeah.
Ty, what else about you? What can we talk about that we didn't find out about you last time you were on the show? Any fun facts about Ty Marion that would surprise us? I used to play music before anybody makes me drum off or anything like that. I literally used to press play on buttons, play music. I used to be a DJ in the San Antonio area in the early to mid-2000s.
Tour, did some of that stuff for a while. That was fun. Why'd you leave it? I had the wrong people surrounding me. They were more interested in getting their dick sucked every night than helping me get to that next level. Even though I was opening for big names, doing hundreds of people, thousand people in the crowd, they were more concerned about who they were going home with that night. And now you're surrounded with all the right people. You know you're alone. You're alone. Yeah. And you...
That's who you should be surrounded with. Yeah, I just figured out at this point, fuck them. I put it all on me. I'm going to bet on myself and I'm going to do it with comedy now. Right. You never got to take your DJing to the next level and that kind of bothers you. I mean, not... Nothing rhymes with DJ. Right. Well, he never got to DJ in his PJs on a PJ. Actually... Yeah. You know what that sound means. Actually, you had something.
No, I did BJ one time. I PJs. You got a BJ and a PJ. I actually did get a BJ. I got caught by the owner of the club one time while I was in the booth mixing it. And the only thing I was told was, hurry up.
See me in the office afterwards and I was given a high five. So it was a pretty good day for me. You were able to. Wait, but you left everybody else you were working with because all they wanted was their dick sucked. But you got fired for getting your dick sucked. Exactly. See, they wanted what they couldn't have. And I'm having it. And so they were just jealous. You were able to get hard while exposed to an entire audience? There's like a, like you guys are sitting there, you're in a booth. You can't really see anything below here. Right.
And so there was a conveniently little cut out area she sat down on. Did you have like a face where it looked like you were getting a BJ? Was it like... Yeah. Was it like that? Yeah. She was waiting for the drop too, if you know what I mean. Oh yeah, absolutely. That little fucking dead mouse in her mouth. It's not little, come on. It's average.
Just like you. Very good. I love it. What's your love life like now? You have a girlfriend? No girlfriend. Really dedicating a lot of time to comedy, so it's more like just one night stands, random hookups. I love it. Any crazy one night stands lately? What's a one night stand with Ty Marion like?
Typically, just because I don't want them to know where I live, I always ask to go to their house. It's not like I live at home or I'm embarrassed in my place, but typically the bar that I go to to hook up with, it's a block and a half from where I live. So I'm not trying to walk over there and then walk them home and then have to walk them back to their car. You know what I mean? There's a lot of walking. Uber home. Wow. I'm telling you, people are going to watch this and you're going to get so much pussy. Yeah.
No, because that's what women want. They want a man. I'm not going to... No, you'd be surprised. I would be. It would actually be surprising. I'm looking at the face on the women and they're going, oh, look who I'm with. Why can't I have him? She's looking at me going, who the fuck is this guy? And sweetheart, guess what? When I woke up this morning and rolled over in bed, I also said, who the fuck is this guy? I have a drinking problem, okay? So... Absolutely. Absolutely.
Wow. If you drink a lot, may I recommend connectmobilehealth.com. Kill 15. Get an IV drip. Appreciate it. Get fully recovered. Absolutely. Okay. That was seamless. Yeah. That was amazing. He's good at that. That was integrated. Smooth, yeah. Yeah. I'm getting a blowjob right now. You can't even tell. You cannot even tell. It's all happening. Little Heath is underneath the table right now. Sweet, sweet boy. Okay. Okay.
I thought I was tickling my nuts. Tony, somebody told me I was supposed to ask you how you're doing, but I guess that'll get me pulled out of here. Get the fuck out of here! You're going to prison, buddy. Get the fuck off the stage! Order in the court. I love it. You already have a big joke book? Yes, sir. Well, here's some Zippix nicotine toothpicks. Enjoy those, my friend. There goes Ty Marion, everybody.
Let's do one of the regulars, ladies and gentlemen. We've come to that part of the show where one of the stars is going to do a brand new 60 seconds. And when I say a star, I mean this motherfucker Burns Bright. This is indeed one of the greatest to ever do it. 60 seconds, brand new for Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen, live in the flesh. Here we go. Thank you.
This one a little serious. This one real dear to my heart and shit. Before I started doing comedy, I was like a real dear dope boy. That's all I did every day. I used to hang out with one of my best friends and he would be with me every day. All we would do was just sell drugs all the time and that's it. One day he was like, "Bro, you so fucking funny."
"You should try stand-up comedy." And I was like, "Nah, nigga, that's gay." That's what I said. Like, that's gay as hell. And then he was like, "Nah, bro, you so funny, you'd probably blow up and never talk to a nigga again. That's how funny you could be." And fast forward to two years later, we were still doing the same shit we were doing, and I decided, you know what, bro, I'ma do stand-up. And he worked with me every day.
Every single day for the first three months, he recorded my first set on stage. He was my rock, dog, my best friend. And a couple weeks ago, I did the biggest video I ever did in my life with Tony. And I had him on FaceTime the whole time. He saw the whole show. And when I got on stage, he was crying. You know what I'm saying? He was so proud of me. And then I started crying because I knew I was never going to talk to that nigga again. laughter
The great Cam Patterson doing it again. I love you. I love you. I'm telling you, I love you. I collect rocks now. I like the way they feel. Oh, my God. I got one of his. You have no idea. I love this guy. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
But you're amazing. You really are amazing and that was beautiful. And you know, that is when I said that I came out and I watched Richard Pryor. Richard Pryor is my god as far as comedy. And he was the first guy that took, that I realized, took real stories, not jokes, not making out. He took real stories in a tough life and who he was and he could make you laugh and he could make you cry.
And the beauty of you telling a story like this, and I was looking at people's faces, and you were telling an incredible, you're a great storyteller. And you were, it was really coming from the heart, because that's probably your real life, and what you came from. And then to turn that around, and make people laugh, you are fucking brilliant. And you are, you are like Richard Pryor to me. And you are, I love you. I'm not kidding. And you've been doing it for such a short time, and to
find your way and to be so articulate as far as being able to just tug at somebody's heartstrings and turn it and twist it. You know, I was telling Tony at the beginning, when you go look at theater, they have comedy and tragedy. The two masks are together. And those two masks, comedy and tragedy, are very close. And when you can take reality and make people...
who are crying smile, you are a magician and you buddy are a magician. I love you. I really do. Amazing. - That should mean a lot to me though. - I love it.
Spot on analysis. I mean, that is exactly how I feel. Can I keep this? Oh, my God. Thank you. It's amazing. You know, he sells rocks. You want to talk about fucking not only is he hysterical, but perhaps one of the most amazing, brilliant merchandising minds of the universe. Dude. So like when he goes on the road, he literally his dad.
or he'll, if his dad's in the same city, he'll bring a box of rocks. Literal fucking, fucking rocks. - Box of rocks. - And I mean-- - Like rocks? - Like rocks. - You gave me concrete. This is not a rock, right? - Nah, it's like, I like to do, 'cause it's a little, you know what I'm saying? It's like this shit right here. - What? - I fuck with this part right here, the little tip part. That shit hard. - Oh, he's got the G spot. - What are you doing? What are you doing?
I feel like I take it back. No give him his rock back. Yeah, what's that rock? What do you do to it? Oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
But I mean, he literally sells rocks to people and they cannot wait to buy these rocks. And if he runs out of rocks to sell in front of the thousands of people in line, he can literally go outside and be like, here's one. 20 bucks. Oh, and I've read some stories like every age, right? You told me like older people and kids, kids.
come up to you and they love rocks, right? And they want to buy rocks and they want you to give them rocks, right? And I heard a story and maybe you don't want me to bring it up but he went to a public swimming pool and he sold two kids tons of rocks. Whoa, don't tell them about that. Whoa, I'm down. Whoa, whoa, whoa. And they went swimming. They didn't want anybody to have and they both drowned. Yeah. But wait, wait.
Their family got Dippin' Dots. It ended up being a good story in the end. As long as you get Dippin' Dots, it solves all problems. You can always make another baby. Dippin' Dots, it's a rare treat. Yeah, it's the best.
- Hell yeah. - Ice cream of the future, my nigga, you know what I'm saying? - You've had Dippin' Dots before? - I fuck with Dippin' Dots. - Oh yeah, you're from Orlando. You had Dippin' Dots as fucking everywhere down there. - Dippin' Dots is hard, nigga. - Yeah? - Yeah, I like Dippin' Dots. - You sold hard drugs and Dippin' Dots? - Oh, I did all that shit. I did everything. - Really? - Nah, just hard drugs, but not Dippin' Dots. - You won't admit to Dippin' Dots. - I sold crap, but not Dippin' Dots. That's gay, you know what I'm saying? - All Crippin', no Dippin'. You know what I'm saying?
No doubt about it. No dots, all thoughts. Talk to her. We'll be outside, man. Hell yeah. Gang violence. Gang violence. Gang violence. Hey, you call Hans dad. You want to call my dad? Let's do it. Absolutely. It's a special... You know what's going to be weird? You know what's going to be weird? I'm going to freak out. It's the same guy. Uh, hello? Uh, I do not understand it.
That should be great. I'm Martin Luther King today. I do not understand that translation. Where is he? He in Orlando. He's in Orlando. He back home, is it? Hold on, let me see. Do you have a girlfriend? Yes, I do.
Yes and no. Yeah, I got a wife and shit, but I still be fucking. But I love her though. She knows who she is. She knows who she is. She's the wife, but not the one you're fucking. Yeah, I love her though. She hates that I talk about this all the time. Why would she hate it? Why would she hate it? As long as you say you love you, I love you, you can go out and fuck anything you want. Hey, what's up, dad? I'd rather talk to his wife.
Breaking stereotypes. He's calling his father, everybody. His father picked up. Dad, you on Kill Tony right now. Can you turn it all the way up on the side there? How's it going, Mr. Patterson? You're on with Tony Hinchcliffe live on Kill Tony with the great Howie Mandel.
Oh my goodness, y'all done made my day, man. Well I gotta tell you, your son made my day. Your son is fucking brilliant. Your son is a superstar. Well, thank you. Thank you. You proud of him? Oh man, I'm more than proud. When you get that shit from me, Nosey. He seems more proud of himself than he is of you. He came for my balls, stupid! He came for my dick! Do you know, what do you think of his wife?
Cam said that he has a wife on this show here just a moment ago. That wouldn't surprise me. That wouldn't surprise him. Oh, because he doesn't fuck her. He fucks everybody else, but he has a wife. She knows who she is. You don't. Mr. Patterson, you know, this is an improvised segment, but I just thought of what I think is a good question. Is there anything that, like,
from Cam's childhood that he might not want you to tell us. Oh, that's fucked up. That was a quick turn. Wait, how old? To go to the can. Don't tell people that. He's not potty trained. He's not potty trained. No, no, that's not what he said. Go again. Hold on. Say it again. Are you potty trained? I can piss real good. Give us one.
All right, hold on. Here it is. Here's the embarrassing thing. Go ahead. Say it again, Mr. Patterson. Yeah, it took Cameron until he was 12 years old to count to 10. I might be retarded.
How high can you count now? I get real high now. You can count really high? Oh, come on, huh? How high can you count? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty. I'm done. I'm done. That's it. All right. Eighteen. That's it. He's got as far as he can go. Oh, my goodness gracious. He a dick for that, man. That's fucked up, bro. He can't spell good. Tell him to spell firefighter.
Spell firefighter. He can't spell good. All right, so the word on the streets, Mr. Patterson, is that you're not a very good speller. So without Googling, we're going to give you a word, and right off the bat, you have to spell it for us. Are you ready? No hell no. Yeah, he know he can't fucking spell. That's where I get it from, man. He's the winner of the Kill Tony spelling seat.
It's not a spelling B, it's a spelling C. Thank you, you get it. Just for one. Oh my goodness. Wow. That's what the dictionary is for, Tony. That's what the dictionary is. Dog. Go dog. Dog. Quickly. Dog. Spell dog. Dog. Dog. Dog.
Are you saying dark as in dark ass? No. No, I wasn't saying dark ass. I love that that's the reference that he used. Dark as in dark ass. Someone's been called dark ass before. Someone's ass is a couple shades darker than the rest of his body. Dark ass. Dog. Like a puppy. Dog. Are you saying dog? Yes. Dog. Dog.
I can handle that. All right, here we go. Wow. I can hear your thumbs typing. Why are you Googling dog right now? Come on, we're all waiting on you, Pop. All right, dog. That's easy, man. I can take that one. That's no problem. It's been ten fucking minutes. It's already a problem.
He's flying through the pages of the dictionary right now. He's looking up D-A-W-G and he's like, where the fuck is this goddamn word? It starts with a D like in dark ass. All right. So here it is. Spell dog. Are you saying dog? You can spell dog, man. You're making us look bad on national TV.
Well that's barking? Yes, the woo woo. Alright, cat.
Be careful what you wish for. Here we go. The word in which you will spell is the word nicotine. Come on, man.
You were bragging about how easy dog is. Pretending like I'm being the best. Is he high? Did you sell something to your pop? Give me nicotine. Give me nicotine. Okay, how about cigarette? As in... Give me nicotine in a sentence. Okay. Use nicotine in a sentence? Use nicotine in a sentence. Here it is. Here's a sentence. My dark-ass friend smoked a nicotine-filled cigarette. With his dog. Woof, woof.
All right. Here you go. Mr. Patterson spelling nicotine. I believe in you, Pop. I believe in you. Mr. Patterson got a pass on that one. Pass. All right. So we're passing. Pass. P-A-S-T. Pass. Okay. P-A-S-T. He's passed on that one. P-A-S-T. He passed on that one. All right.
Okay, I actually like this. Welcome to another episode of Spelling BET, everybody. Here we are. Here's your next word. All right, here we go. I'm not letting him off the hook this easily. I'm going to make him try to spell something. Your next word, since you passed on the last one, is guitar. Oh, that's easy, man. You got that. I don't think it's easy.
He hasn't spelled a goddamn thing yet. He tried to make the noise of a dog and went, woof, woof, woof. Guitar. Guitar. Like Matt Muehling plays the electric guitar. Oh, okay. That's nice. That's nice. No, that's not a... That's an example. He wasn't giving you a fucking fact.
That's nice. I like. He plays guitar. That's nice. That's a good thing that he does that. I'm glad he play guitar. That's good for that boy. Hell yeah. That's dope. You got to keep playing that guitar. He play it real well. I like him. Without looking it up, this is your chance. Spell the word guitar.
You know what's weird? We had an easier time commuting with a guy from Korea. Hans' father doesn't speak a fucking word of English and we communicated with him. Your dad's in fucking Orlando. I just love the attitude that he has. Like, come on, man. Dog's too easy. Yeah. Guitar, I gotta pass. I gotta pass. P-A-S-T.
Use nicotine in a sentence. Oh, man, that's funny. Wow. You know, the reason he couldn't count to ten until he was twelve is your fucking fault. This is just too much fun. So I'm going to give you one last word. Dipping dots. Leather. Spell the word leather. Oh, dad, that's easy as fuck. We got this. You're messing them up when you tell them it's easy. Easy as fuck. Nothing is easy. Leather. Go ahead.
All those words you gave me is very, very easy. I'm a very good speller. Am I on the TV? Am I on the show for real?
Yes. Yes. I got bad news for you. You are, and you've spelled nothing so far. You have my picture up there. You showed my picture. We will put it in. Does he ever text you anything? Do you know what the fuck he's saying? Never makes sense. He's got to spell. I can spell rock. I can spell rock. He can spell rock. Spell rock. Oh, rock. Yeah, go ahead. He could spell rock, but not now.
Come on. Give us leather. Come on. It's a real challenge. Go ahead. Leather. You got this. Bones Eye makes leather joke books. Go ahead. It's your turn. You're going to spell it. It starts with an L. Here you go. I can't spell that, Tony. Come on. Come on. Please just try. Please. We just want to see how you would spell it.
Wow.
This is hilarious. It really is. It's just a father and son. The father's like, my son couldn't count. And you're like, motherfucker cannot spell. You want to throw me under the bus. We got to get Hans out here and dial up his father and put the two phones together. His father talking to your father.
Oh, shit. That'd be funny, too. They would get together like black on rice. All right, Mr. Patterson, we're going to let you off the hook on this one. Clearly, you cannot spell anything. Wait, you're playing basketball? Watch it.
Can you spell basketball? I hope he's a family member there. He's just not staring at young kids. That one's easy too. Go ahead. Spell it. If it's easy, spell it real quick. Let me tell you, it's so easy. The fleck, the fleck, the fleck. You know what I'm saying? You're never going to get him. You ain't going to get him. He's not going to spell shit for you. He's too smart for us.
He's got us over a barrel. He's not going to spend a cent for you. Yeah. All right, Mr. Patterson, we love you. We're going to go. G-O-O-D-B-Y-E. Goodbye, Mr. Patterson. I don't think I would ask that. All right, Cam. Very, very fun times. Very fun set. I love the idea. Great stuff. Another new minute from the great Cam Patterson, everybody. There he goes. Fuck yeah.
All right, we're going to keep it moving along. Another bucket pool. We're having a lot of fun here. Make some noise for your next person. Brand new, 60 seconds, and it looks like a new name. Will Loden, everybody. Will Loden or Loden? Here we go. All right. All right, yeah. I don't know if you can tell from all this, but I clearly front porch sit a lot. I got me two lazy boys that I scotch-guarded the shit out of. Yeah.
I'll light up a Winston and watch the world go by. I love it. I saw the cutest dog the other day. Cutest little dog. He's a little Welsh Corgi. And he had a bandana on. And his name was Winston Churchill. Oh my God, he was so cute.
I just started petting him. I go, hey, who was the Secretary of Her Majesty's Navy in 1920? You were. Yes, you were. Yes, you were. Who said we would fight the Nazis on the beaches? We would fight them on the seas. We would fight them everywhere. You did. You're such a good boy. You're such a good boy. Who had an affair with Margaret Thatcher at the end of his life? You did. You're so good. You're so good. You did a lot of great things at Yalta, too. Hey!
You left 20,000 men to die in a botched mission during World War I. You did, Winston Churchill. You're a bad dog, Winston. You're a bad dog. I just read a book on Winston Churchill and I wanted to tell you all my facts, you know. I did that after I did it. All right, there you go. Going past your time.
Will Loden. Welcome to the show, Will. Have you been on before? Yeah, like two years ago when y'all were at the Vulcan. Yeah, you kind of look familiar. I wouldn't forget a face and body like yours. Your crowds are mean, man. What do you mean? They're not mean. They'll sit down. They worry right away. They'll go, how are you? Don't be friendly. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
This is a friendly crowd. They said I look like Gandalf if he ate all the hobbits. That is true. I stand by that. You do. You do. You do indeed. What's a book? You have a book. Yeah, I had the one from last time. So, yeah. Oh, one of these little. Oh, OK. You got a big one. Looks like a little one in your hand. But yeah, it's a big one.
Absolutely. So you live here in Austin? No, I stay in Houston. Okay. Andy Huggins opened for you last night. Last night? Yeah, he's a goddamn treasure. He's amazing. Yeah, we started out together. Really? Yeah, at the Comedy Store. Do you know who Andy Huggins is? He's a local Houston comic, and he opened it. I was there last night. I played last night. So it's a history lesson followed by some reminiscing. That's nice. There we go, yeah. You seem like a nice, friendly guy, but it was just...
Sometimes it feels different on the inside. And then it comes out. And it feels just like I'm yelling random things. So you understand. 100%.
100%. You want to critique it? Oh, I shortened it up for the one minute. That's what I was thinking. I was thinking when you were doing that, I wish this would go on for another... This seems like there's something missing. Like he shortened it. It's too short. Why stop there? Right. When you got to it, I'm like, this is not the end. This is not the beginning of the end, but it may very well be the end of the beginning. Right.
It's a Winston Churchill quote. Yeah, there we go. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Wow. I'm into a lot of World War II memorabilia, if you know what I mean. Just kidding. All right. So, Will, what do you do for work? You're a big boy. Yeah, I do drywall during the day. Yeah, I do drywall. When you say you do drywall. Yeah, I hold it up so the Mexicans can do it. There you go.
Because when a guy your size says, I do drywall, I would imagine you'd drill a little glory hole in it and you're doing it. No, I'm too tall for that. What's the point of the glory hole if I can just look over, you know? Wow, that's a good point. Oh, you're right. Can't glory holes be... I've never partaken in one, but the size of the wall... How high is a wall that has a glory hole in it? I mean, it varies county to county, you know, and...
State to state. If you say Texas, let's just say Texas. Right there. See the glory holes right around here? Dick to floor? I don't know.
No. Okay. The history lesson continues for me. Yeah. Drywall's a very hard job. I did it once for one day in Youngstown, Ohio because it was a very well-paying job. I remember hearing that it was like $45 an hour or something like that. And I'm like, oh, I'm going to fucking do that. And it was... I lasted one day. It was...
An excruciatingly impossible job. Do you get on the stilts? Sometimes, yeah, but I usually let Jorge do that. I stay close to the ground and I'll just move all the heavy shit. But yeah, I've been on the stilts when you do like 10, 15 foot ceilings and yeah, it's rough. Right. Or you do the taping. That's taping, right? Floating and taping, yeah. A lot of that. There you go. There you go, big dog. Yeah, it is. I know about building.
I know a little bit about it. I know that if you build like five houses, you get a hotel. Yeah. That is true. So what else about you, Will? Tell us something interesting about your life. You're into drywall. You've been doing stand-up in Houston. Give us a fun fact about Will that we would be surprised to know. The last two girls I dated dumped me. And one of them was German. Well, try doing one at a time. Right.
One of them was German and one of them was Jewish, so there's something they can agree on. Ah, that's why the Winston Churchill research begins. Oh my God. What was the difference between the German and the Jewish dump? The Jewish girl was very, very forward about everything. She was like, hey, I'm done with this. And then the German girl was like, I'm going back to Berlin. Fuck Houston. And I was like, that makes sense.
So the Jewish girl was forward. I'm done with this. And the German girl was, she just wanted to get so fucking far from you. She's not as direct. Right. That's exactly. I don't understand the opposite. Yeah. Yeah. It is very, very tricky. Did they give you a reason why they didn't like you anymore? I'm a drunk. I don't know. There's a lot of that. There's, yeah, I was just getting hammered a lot, I think.
This is getting sad. Let's bring this one up. What do you do when you drink a lot? I'm fine. I just drink a lot of Jaeger and start spouting off theories. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you after drinking? Jail. Tell us about that. How did you end up there? How are you? Uh...
Were you in jail? Yeah. How long? Just a couple days. It was in Mississippi. That's where I'm from. Okay. Do you have a good cell story, a good jail story? I mean...
I got to throw the gang sign in jail once. That was nice. Yeah. I walked in. They were processing me out of jail. And so there were a bunch of guys who were there for an extended period of time. And I got picked up in March. And so they were all wearing winter clothes. So they'd been there for a long time. Right. And I walked in. I was dressed...
Kind of like this, but my hair was up real big. And they were like, look at this motherfucker right here. Look at this motherfucker right here. You like this? You like this? And I go, I don't know what that means, but thank you. And then they were like, nah, just kidding, man. Man, I'm telling long stories. Yeah. You know, but there is a niche for boring prison stories. Yeah, exactly. Like bedtime prison stories for kids. Like it's boring, nothing really bad happens. And then we ate shitty sandwiches and moon pies, you know? Yeah.
Just bad prison stories. When I watch the show, I'm a huge fan of the show. This is where I fast forward. Right, 100%. But I'm here. I can't fast forward. Nope, we cannot. But we can move along. There goes Will Loden, everybody. He already has a big joke book. We're on to the next bucket pool. There goes Will, everybody. And like that, we're moving along. I agree with Howie. That is the live way of fast forwarding.
Make some noise for your next comedian straight out of the bucket, Tom Robinson, everybody. Tom Robinson is on the inside. Timing is everything. Tom Robinson.
Oh, okay, yeah, I guess T-O-N-I. Robinson, that is Tony. Tony. You read Tony wrong? But look, no, it looks connected. No, T-O-N-I, it's Tony. Tony is a tough name for you to pronounce. But the N's connected to the I. Is that a girl? Is that a woman? Female, I believe. All right, here's Tony Robinson. Wow. Hi, how are you? Why do Republicans want to go to heaven?
Don't they know it's a gun-free zone? Why do vegans want to go to heaven? Don't they know it's the land of milk and honey, aka the land of murder? And we're not changing into the land of oat milk and agave. We asked Jesus and he said, no, where there's agave, there's usually a gay. And so we're not doing that. I have been more woke since I saw you guys last. I got a black guy's number and I didn't have to buy drugs. I didn't know you could do that. That was so cool.
We've only been on one date, but I came prepared, brought a mini-sized ranch dressing with me in case he needed it. And then we got to a puddle. I made sure I put my coat down so he didn't drown. He's really liked me for it. I want to maybe date a Jewish guy, though. I've heard they're super freaky. I mean, apparently they're all going to raves. And you know that people who go to raves are way more into shit. Anyways, and...
Also, their grandparents, super freaky. I've heard they used to get in groups of up to 40 and take really big showers and go so hard not one could walk out. Thank you. Hell yeah, Tony Robinson. Welcome, welcome. You've been on this show before. Yes, I've been here before. I know the layout. Always close with the Holocaust. I didn't move the stand. There you go, show me. There you go. Thank you. No big deal, Tony. Over here, over here. There you go. She falls in love with band members quick. Did you see that?
He wasn't here last time. Okay. Yeah, I was joking, but I'm here. He's here to give me rim shots. I love it. Yeah. So, Tony, how's it been going since the last time we saw you? Really good. Tell us more. Yeah, I've been going up as much as I can and posting shit on Instagram. I don't know. Doing good. Yeah.
Yeah, it's been helping my DMs have been a little better. I've been trying to be more woke, like I told you guys. I'm trying to be less East Texas, become a little more accepting and know about more cultures. Swiped on an Amir, didn't know where he was from, but it wasn't from here, so I thought that was okay. It didn't go too well, though. And I talked to a black guy for real. That was real. He asked me why I was the first one that...
He's the first one I messaged and I lie but it was really because he was like the shiniest one I'd ever seen. Like he was... Wait a second. He was like so well oiled. He was just like... Like I was the ashy one, you know? And like I have less money than him.
I'm the one with less education. He's been to college. I have a criminal record. You do? I'm the one with fake nails. What's your criminal record? It was actually so lame. I got caught smoking weed at a state park. Did you go to jail? Yeah, for real. What's up? There he is right now, everybody. Look how shiny. Very well moisturized. The madness. Thank you.
I had an idea for a show with him that I've been thinking about. What? I think you should call it like Double D Madness. And he gets to like feel people's tits and judge their gender and bra size based off just feeling. I think there should be spin-offs for this show. I think you have a lot of potential. Did you think of this idea after smoking weed in a state park? Yeah. Okay.
Actually, in my room. You know what the thing is? I'm watching you. In my room. You have some concepts, and then you lose faith in the middle of your concept. Oh, I liked everything I said. I'm so sorry. No, but you go, I'm going to have a double D show with him, and then he comes out, and then, you know, I had to grab kids and stuff like that. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm an East Texas woman, so I came from a place where women can't usually be on stage, have opinions, speak loudly. It is hard for me.
Paul Deamer. I hope that was you. I didn't pull your finger. We're not ready.
Paul Diemer playing what we're all thinking. I love it. So, Tony, have you been doing stand-up other places? Yeah, but this is only my sixth time. Sixth time ever on stage. Well, I've been going up since I was last on here every chance I get. But, I mean, I come here every other weekend. And, yeah, but I work most – I'm only off Sunday and Mondays. What do you do? I bartend. Like at an establishment? Yes, it's a real home. Okay.
It's real. Yeah. Okay. Are you on medicine or something? No. I stopped it. You stopped it an hour ago. No. This is actually pretty good for me. I had a problem with edibles for a while. After I got on the show, got real confident, kept going, open mics, kept trying, took a bunch of edibles.
blacked out, fucked up an open mic real hard since then. Now I'm actually just sober. There's no space between any of the words. Yeah, I know. That's a East Texas thing for me. It's all one word. Mr. Patterson wouldn't be able to spell anything you're saying right now.
Right? Not at all. That was very fun to watch. Is this an East Texas thing? I don't know. I don't know. Is anybody here from East Texas? No. The Texans behind us are going hard no. No. They're saying no. Whatever. This is just a Tony Robinson thing. Okay. All right. Well, I'm thrilled to be here. Well, I wish we could say the same. So we're going to keep it moving along. There goes Tony Robinson. You got up again. You have a little joke book.
Keeping it moving along, ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Zach Butkovich. Zach Butkovich looks like a new name. I'm diabetic. Yeah, but a lot of people tell me I don't look diabetic, and that doesn't help. But, you know, it's not that bad, actually, because I'm a type 1 diabetic. So that means I can eat whatever I want. I just have to take insulin before every meal. So if I'm ever feeling depressed, I just won't.
Yeah, don't worry. It's not sad. I don't have to, like, buy a gun or swan dive off a bridge. I'll just go to Golden Corral. Let the chocolate fountain do all the work. Yeah, like, I'll just be at my birthday party blowing my candles out. Everyone will be like, what'd you wish for? You'll see. Yeah, I still remember whenever I got diagnosed with diabetes. I walked in to the doctor's office and he said, uh, Mr. Buckovich, we...
Just got your blood work back. And we can't sugarcoat this. All right, guys. I'm Zach Buttovich. Thank you very much. It's like...
If Theo Vaughn had a life-threatening disease and didn't want to do comedy anymore, this is exactly what it would be like. Yeah, this is your first time on the show, right, Zach? Absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up? It was three years in October. Where at? St. Louis. St. Louis. And what do you do for a living? Right now, I stock and order wood molding at Home Depot's.
Wow. Okay. That's way more applause than I would have gave to that job. Wow. All right. And what's your love life like? What are you stalking there? Hopefully women. You're not sure? Well, like the things I'm stalking, hopefully it's women. No, my love life, it's all right. You know, it's like hit or miss, but I get a lot off charm sometimes. Off what? Off charm. Is that a nap? Yeah, yeah. That's...
Absolutely. At Home Depot, is that where you meet them? Yeah, yeah. You show them your wood? Yeah, I have like a language coach. They're teaching me how to speak Spanish. Give us a little example of some of the Spanish. Oh, muy bien. Oh.
It's amazing. It's amazing. It's like, yeah. We're not very far in yet. You sound like you were born there. Thank you. Thank you. I'm talking about at Home Depot. Oh. Just as much of a compliment, Howie. Thank you. Just as much of a compliment. It is a compliment. I appreciate that. No, no. It's what I do. Thank you. It's what I do. So are you healthy? Are you doing okay? Yeah. You know, I'm trying to keep my blood sugar in order.
Right. Yeah, I went to Round Rock Donuts yesterday, though. That didn't help. But I'm having a good time. Doing my best. Without a punchline. Yeah. I thought we were just having an awesome time. I went to Round Rock Donuts the other day and... Eat a donut. Yep. Yeah. That's the end. Good day. There's a real hole in your donut joke there. Cool.
So, what did you get from the donut place? I got like a box yesterday. Uh-huh. Got some cream bish marks. Some fucking, one of those things with the eclairs. Got some eclairs. Yes.
Yes. It was Moibian. Just a list of fucking donuts. Yeah, you're really like country for St. Louis, aren't you? Yeah, I'm like technically from like southern Illinois on the Illinois side of the border. Because you're coming off really east Texas to me. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. I don't know what that means. Feeling home.
I love it. I love it. Yeah, so you got donuts, a lot of donuts. So is this a true story? Was it an act? Absolutely a true story. No, I mean, like you're committing, you're trying to, like you said, like, I don't want to say the word. I don't want to trigger anybody. No, I shot some insulin before I ate the donuts. Oh, good. Yeah. Good. Yeah. It's good to hear you're in good shape. All right.
Wouldn't have been here today. Right. This whole show is getting so fucking sad. It's weird. It really is. We were really, we were riding high there. I was so excited and I was going to tell everybody, oh, you got to see me on Kill Tony. It's funny. You'll laugh. People got arrested. We talked to fathers. And then we took this downturn. Yeah, the first 70% was amazing. Yeah, it's like a diabetes telethon. We'll take your pledges if you want.
It's hard to follow a black father spelling bee when he passes on every word. Oh, that one's easy. Okay, well then spell it. I'm going to pass. It's really hard to follow that. But here we are. Come on, give us something of your entire life. You're in it right now. Give us something. What do you think people would find so interesting about you? Well, I don't... It seems like you have something prepared for this.
No, I'm trying to think. My dad died when I was nine. That may be uplifting. So let's call him. Let's phone him. Yeah. Phone him. Let's talk to him. He still currently spells as many words as Mr. Patterson does. I was on a high school school board. Okay. Yeah. I got elected as a high school school board member. Yeah. Well, we're bored right now. This was last week. This was last week.
No, it was not last week. It was like five years ago. I was like 19, I think. I know, I was trying to make a joke. Because you're older, the joke was because you'd be on the school board when you were a kid, right? Sure. Absolutely. But you're not a kid anymore, so I said it was last week to try to get a laugh, and now I know how you felt during your minute. How did your dad die when you were nine?
Died in a car accident. A single car accident? No, there was actually one of his buddies was in the car with him that had, like his son was around my age and he lived. But his buddy died as well? No, like my dad died, his buddy lived. The buddy lived and the son lived? Yes. And was your dad driving? Yes. Was it his fault? No.
I don't know. I wasn't there. Are you turning this comedy around? Who knows? Any second it could happen. Let's find out. We could turn this around, but his dad didn't do that with the car. Okie dokie. Yeah, I don't know whose fault it was. There we go. We're trying here. We are trying. In honor of your... Do you realize this is the third death in this show? Two kids drowned and his father died.
In honor of your father's car accident, we are going to, from our friends over at Eddie B's, we're going to buy you a T-bone steak. Wow. Covered in maple syrup. Yeah. Delicious. Okay. This is your first time on the show. Absolutely. This is a little joke book. There you go. There you go. Zach Butkovich, everybody. Thank you.
All right, we're flying through it. This is indeed your final bucket pool of the night, and it's a good-looking name. Anything can happen here. This is either going to be insanity or insanity. Make some noise for Uncle Alphonse, everybody. I have a feeling about this one. First time, Uncle Alphonse. Yep, here we go. Ooh, that was good.
So where my acid droppers at? So at least some people gonna relate. So I took some a couple weeks ago, right? I felt the urge to just try something new. So I had some Kool-Aid and I was like, let's throw some Tabasco in this. Let's get that spicy Kool-Aid going. The acid kicked in. The urge came in and I just ran around for the next two hours just, oh, laid.
Thank you. That was the acid droppers laughing. So I like to eat really fancy. I like to eat, like, really good. And something I started doing is, like, judging people based upon forks at the table. So everybody wants to be the dinner fork. Four prongs, strong, big, ready to eat. You know what I'm saying? But then...
You got your salad forks. The people that are like, you're crisp with, but there are only three prongs. Then you got your oyster forks. Two prongs. But the worst of them all? Your spork ass. You think it's a multi- There you go. That is where it ends. Turns out nobody gives a fork about your jokes. Ah!
This is incredible. If you would have told me just by looking at you who on the stage tonight was a lifeguard in which two people perished, I'd have you all day. You look like a lifeguard that literally absolutely just enjoys watching people die.
This is incredible. You look like if Lucifer took a vacation to Hawaii or something like that. This is absolutely amazing. You look like something that Snoop Dogg considered himself. Like Snoop Lion or something. You look like you're both gay and reggae.
I like that. It is absolutely incredible. You look like a magician that went through a fucking... Like his clothes caught on fire and you were stuck finding something to wear. And then you put together this off of things that you found on the street. This is absolutely incredible. It is. You look like the ghost underneath Willie Nelson's bed.
It is absolutely frightening. It is unbelievable. Yeah, okay. Howie. Howie. I can't do that. He can do that. Give me the best. Keep going. Get that rose. If Wednesday was Thursday. This is amazing. No, don't do that. I have my own. I'm trying to figure... You are the most confusing thing I've ever seen in...
When you say you took acid last week, do you mean an hour ago? Yeah. It's still hitting. It is. It is. Do you do your own braiding? I do. Yeah. How long does that take you? Um...
Five minutes. I got them pretty quick. I'm fast. I mean, what is time if you're on acid? You know what I mean? Staring at forks. You got the salad fork. You got the main fork. You got the spork. You got all the different forks. And if you like what I do, next week I'm back with spoons. I got a whole spoon shtick that is gonna kill. How long have you been trying stand-up comedy?
So, collectively two years over ten years? Collectively two years over ten years. Call Hans' father. He's a mathematician. He's been doing two years over ten years. You spread it out. You've done two years of comedy over ten years.
You know, I come back and forth. I'm back and forth. You know, I'm trying to make sure I'm there. And then you're gone. You have a bomb where Tony just keeps on the roastings. And then you're like, shit, I guess I got to take a break. Right. Oh, you're going to take a break. No, no, no. No, this went well. This went well. The whole fork thing. Did you see how engaged? As long as you're giving me love, then I'll take it. No, who doesn't love forks? It's my first time here. I'm nervous. So, Alphonse, where were you born? Were you born in a cloud of vape smoke? What is this exactly? Where...
Where are you from exactly? Where does someone like you come from? Born in Florida, Orlando. Orlando? Beach time. I'm beach bombing it. You lived underneath one of Cam's rocks for a while. He's a spelling tutor in Orlando. Oh, Cam's rock. Wait, hold on. Cam's rock. What are you reaching for right now? Oh, a rock. Look at that. That is incredible. That's actually his testicle. He just ripped it off. Yeah.
I believe that's just one of Alphonse's kidney stones that he's pulling out right now. I only got one, so I hope this didn't come out of it. You only have one kidney? Well, you sold the other one for weed? I wish. They'll give me more money for the acid and the weed. What happened to your other kidney? God fucked me over, I guess. Tell us about it.
Explain to us. Yeah, no, so I was born without it. Apparently the cords are there, but some of it has like some missing parts too. You're missing parts in your kidney and your... I'm missing a lot of parts. I'm missing a lot of parts, baby. Yeah, this is incredible. Are you married? I notice you're wearing a ring. Are you married? Nah. Nah, no married, no married. Do you have a girlfriend? Nah. Are you dating? I do. Yeah? How's that going?
I mean, it seems pretty good. It seems pretty good. Sorry, I'm nervous as hell, but yes, it's been good. Just to judge how you gauge. If I hit it out there on camera right now, I'd be like, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What? I believe what he's trying to say is he's a rapist. It smelled like chloroform. What? It smelled like chloroform. Okay, very good, Uncle Alphonse. You're welcome.
Wow, it went from being a joke to actually being scary. What's your writing process? When you were writing those fork jokes, where exactly does that come from? How do you know of an oyster fork? Because I go and eat and I use them. He said he likes to go to fancy places and eat. What? I can't tell. You're a fancy eater. You're a foodie. I'm a huge foodie. I know. You go to the best, the finest. Five-star restaurants. Five stars. Over a thousand reviews, you know.
I could tell. Where you headed after this? What is the restaurant of choice tonight? So I did actually Alexandra Steakhouse. Yeah, something like that. It was great. It was good. No one's heard of that. There's a hundred steakhouses in Austin. No one's heard of Alexander's. Anyone? Alexander's? Nope. Zero percent. Was it crowded? It was pretty good, yeah.
Yeah, it's not real. It was. It was part of the acid. You know what it was? It was you alone and there's mirrors on the walls and you're going, look at everybody. Look at that. Everybody's braided and eating steak. Yeah. Alexander's Steakhouse with the famous golden arches. Tripping your balls off. What's the significance of the mustache on your calf?
Good question. So I actually have a few of them. Mustaches. You've got one on your face. Yep, one on my face, one on my finger, one on my calf. So for the mustaches, it's honestly just something that I started when I was younger. I had a few friends that committed suicide. So I created it. I know, I know, I know.
So I started a little group and it was basically just kind of like a gentleman's thing where a bunch of people came together as men. We're able to talk the shit out. I know. It's this bucket. Sometimes, I mean, you live by the sword, you die by the sword. This is like a fucking bucket list.
What this is. This is absolutely... I heard they're way better than the first fucking episode. No, it's great. Is it? No, you guys are having fun, right? Is it even that bad? These people love the chaos. It's part of the beauty of an unproduced show. I've never seen so much death in one comedy show. I know. So every time somebody dies, you put a fucking mustache on your... Every time. Every time. Well, I'm missing one. I gotta get another one, you know? Somebody just died recently? Yeah, just died. And where is his mustache going? Or are these...
European women. Are they European women that have died? Maybe I'll just make the eyebrows connect. I can't imagine what your pubes must look like. Very curly. Are they waxed like that? Do you do that? It's got to be presentable. Uncle Alphonse, congratulations. Here's a small joke book. Here's some Zippix toothpicks. Can you catch these? There you go. Extra hard when you're on acid. There he goes, Uncle Alphonse.
All right. Now we're going to do something special right here, ladies and gentlemen. Of course, the great William Montgomery always closes the shows, but he could not make this one. I know. I know. Very disappointing. However, we do have a very special treat. Golden ticket winner is here and...
very famous from America's Got Talent. So this is a very special crossover moment where him and Howie are going to be reunited. Make some noise for Kill Tony legend Aaron Belisle, everybody. Here we go. Hell yeah. Beautiful. Come on, keep it going for Aaron Belisle, everybody. You know what the fuck is up. Hell yeah, baby.
Here he is, Aaron Belial. Some parts of AGT were really weird. I don't know if Terry Crews was nervous or confused, but he kept hanging his big black microphone in front of my mouth.
I knew this was gonna happen, but I didn't think my BBC story would happen live on America's Got Talent. What do you want me to do? Moan into it. Put it in my mouth.
I'm just glad he didn't fuck me into a wheelchair. They're gonna cut this entire segment, aren't they?
Last 45 minutes, I think. Yeah, it's going to be a tight edit. How about one more time for the great Aaron Belisle, ladies and gentlemen. Terry Crews has a great sense of humor. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, I had a great time working at AGT while it was happening. And I loved you when you were on it. But that was... You're great. You're great. You're always great. But...
I don't want to get in. I like the job. Yeah, no doubt. So there were three deaths, four deaths. Or five. That guy had the mustaches all over him. The two kids. The suicide. That guy lost his father. All his friends committed suicide. And you just killed my fucking career. The good news is you can be a guest on Kill Tony anytime you want. We'll have you here. Doesn't quite pay as well at all.
Don't worry, they can cut the entire show. No, they won't. This is fun. This is actually a lot of fun. And you are great. And you know what's great? He is the true consummate professional. I don't know that people know this, but he's got a lot of technology that has to work. And in the semifinals, number one, I said to you, I came backstage and I said to you, I knew you before you were on our show from Kill Tony. And I loved you and I was a fan. And you showed up and I knew you. And on network TV, you can't do that.
You can't do. You can't suck off. You can't. But I said, I like that you're dirty and edgy and all that. And then on the semifinals, I don't know if you know that there was a technical problem and you picked it up like that. He said that he got a call. I don't know if you ever watch it. If you watch it on YouTube, he said he had another call coming in, but his speaker fucked up. His phone fucked up on the last one, on the last one.
Yeah. Thank you so much for always finding me after the AGT shows and being so supportive. I remember after the finals, I was so mad that I started crying like a bitch and you found me and hugged me. Okay. I did. It's got to be so weird when someone's... Because I felt bad about... I thought it would be funny if I dismantled the speaker. And when it happened, I had to go back and say I'm sorry. Yeah. Which is a lot for you because I got COVID and two pink eyes.
Oh my goodness. Welcome to an episode of Kill Howie, everybody. So, is everybody you know alive? Or have you had any deaths in your circle recently? Oh no. Uh-oh. Here we go. They're all alive. That's good, but he's typing more. Good night! Unfortunately. What? What?
Unfortunately, is that what he said? Unfortunately. He hates his family. Yeah, it is true. They are Canadian. They are. We're from the same town. Yeah. We're Canadians. Which is, if you don't understand our culture, it's kind of like East Texas. Do you guys want to call my dad? He can't spell either. What does your dad do? What does your dad do? Disability.
He specializes in it? Does he really? He specializes in disability? No. I saw your parents. He didn't... You're a liar. He's on disability. Oh, he's on disability. Wow, runs in the family. And nobody runs in that family, it seems. You met my stepdad. Oh, that wasn't your... He said he was...
And your stepdad's a fucking liar. Yeah. Those goddamn stepdads always trying to claim that they're the actual dad. That's what happens. It's a fucking nightmare. That is real hell. Do you want us to call him? Is he funny? Can he... You make that decision. I don't want to make that decision. He's funny. Okay, let's call him. Wait, you have a second phone?
Oh shit. Why did you have two phones? This is where we find out Aaron Belial is a cocaine dealer, ladies and gentlemen. Why did you have that on AGT, man? All right, here we go. Calling dad. John Belial. Joe. Joe. It's Joe Belial. Joe! Hello, Joe. How you doing? I can hardly hear you. I know. As you can tell, even though I'm calling from Aaron's phone, I'm not Aaron because I don't sound like a robot.
This is Tony from Kill Tony. Your son's on Kill Tony right now. It's a special episode where we're calling dads. You're live on the air with Howie Mandel and a million plus people watching. Well, I feel real bad for all of you because you've got to listen to him. Well, most of the set that he just performed, we weren't listening. He was just sucking somebody off. My dad's a prick.
That's what he was sucking off. Well, he just tells us because it'll never be as big as his dad's. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I've seen it. It isn't that big. Whoa. He just said that yours isn't that big. Dad, what do you have to say about that? Well, that means he's got nothing. Okay.
But he's saying that you're not satisfying his mother. A pardon? Hello?
I didn't hear you. Sorry. Oh, he was insinuating that you're not satisfying his mother sexually. What exactly... Were you drinking or doing any drugs when you made Aaron? Oh, no. It was just mushrooms. This all makes sense. And we stayed in the woods for a long time. We had a husky, and that's why when he talks, it's...
Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Dad, we got to keep it moving. Thank you so much for talking to us. Your son is absolutely killing it. Congratulations. We'll talk again soon. Love you. Bye-bye. Thank you. That's amazing. That is amazing. Hell yeah. That is incredible. The great Joe Belisle. Aaron, any parting words? No.
I'm gonna be all over Florida in January. Shows are gonna sell out. So get tickets on mutecomedian.com. I'm gonna wrestle an alligator on stage with my strong hand. There you go, mutecomedian.com. Oh, there's something else. America's Got Talent really let me down. I still haven't gotten my citizenship. So, Howie, I was just wondering if maybe, would it be cool if I fuck your daughter? Oh!
Oh my goodness, he couldn't do that one on AGT. You know what's good? That is... You know why that... She's in the room. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. You might have a chance, Aaron. We're in town doing my podcast. Don't worry, Howie. I'll wash my hands first. All right. Oh!
Fuck my daughter. There you go. He gets to fuck his daughter. There goes Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
And we've gone into overtime. We have a second show that we're doing tonight, a second taping. We were very, very happy to squeeze Howie in and do two tapings tonight. This was absolutely awesome. But before we do, we have one more special treat. Even though I've had to pee for an hour and a half, we're going to extend the episode just a little bit longer. You guys like special treats, right? Woo!
One last thing. Another golden ticket winner. Ladies and gentlemen, this is another new minute from Kill Tony icon Heath Cordes, everybody. Here he is, live in the flesh. One last performance. 21 years old. Heath Cordes, 21.
Dating's kind of hard for me, 'cause I'm like a Delta pin at a smoke shop. The people who like me prefer the illegal ones. But I still try to have fun with it, and the only picture I have on Tinder right now is of me and Cam. That way, if girls ask, "Which one are you?" I can say, "I'm the black guy."
And I had this one girl reply with, "I'm not really into black guys. Do you have the white one's number?" And I think she was trying to flirt, but being the charming black man that I was, I was offended. What she said was rude and hurtful and shallow. So I sent her a message, and I was like, "Shh. I'm actually super white. Can you come over right now, please?"
Thank you guys. Boom. Exactly a minute in and out. The future. Keith Cordes has arrived. 21 years old. Got stuck looking 11 at some point. Yes, sir. Hell yeah. What does your hat say? I'm coming out with it right now. Old enough to fuck. Oh, shit. I love it.
New Heath Cordes merch. Explain your condition to Howie so that he understands exactly what we're dealing with. How do you... Explain your condition to me? Oh, yeah, you're a germophobe, my bad. Why do I have to touch you to know your condition? I never washed my hands, so you made the right call. That's a condition. That really is. Yeah. I don't think there's anything wrong with him. He doesn't look a little young to you? Isn't that... We're in Florida. You're not from Florida, right? No, I'm not. I'm from Alabama. There's something wrong with me, for sure. Okay.
You're funny. Thank you, Howie. I think you're funny. Thank you. Yes, sir. What is the... What the fuck are you talking about? What do you call it? Your pituitary gland? Pituitary shit. That's what I call it. Pituitary shit. Are you a good swimmer? Not really. Okay. Yeah. I suck at everything athletically, really. Okay. Yeah. What about T-ball? T-ball? I'd
I'd smash him, T-Ball. Hell yeah. How long have you been doing this? Two years. Two years. You're really good. Thank you. Where do you live? Do you live here now? I do, yeah. Oh, wow. I think that you should do something on television. I would love to do a prank show with this guy. Yeah. Let's do it, Allie. I want to get your number and figure out how to get in touch with him. Yeah, I'd love that, man. Yeah, Allie. I love it.
Because I love, I think, listen. This is a great idea. If you're going to have an issue in life, the issue should be you look like a good-looking young kid, you know? Yeah. That's not a horrible issue. You're okay, right? You're okay with it? No, I'm having fun with it. Do you date, really? I'm trying, yeah. You like older women? Yeah, I'd be down. What's the oldest woman you've ever been with? I've never been with a single woman, Howie. Yeah. Howie, how old's your daughter again? Yeah.
Oh my goodness. Oh my God. It is incredible. The most fucked up menage I've ever thought of. Yeah. Sorry, Jackie. Well, okay. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to, uh, everything in the future with you. Um, Heath and, and I think that's a brilliant idea. Uh,
Yeah, I have a license. So do you get pulled over? I've never been pulled over because I look like a baby. What the fuck is wrong with the cops? I know. This is what happens when you defund the police. It's just fucking nine-year-olds out there zipping around in a Corvette. They don't give a fuck. And you're old enough to. Yeah. Yeah. Does that hat work for you? You haven't been with a woman? Not yet, but we're going to make this hat a reality soon. Absolutely.
Are you on any of the dating apps, really? No, not really. Really? No. No. So how are you trying to make it a reality? Where do you go to meet women? They come in my DMs, but they're all out of state. That's the problem. Oh. Yeah. And what do you ask for, like a play date? Yeah. I'd be down. Tea party? Heath, you're a monster. We got to put a ribbon on this episode. Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
Guys, how loud can this place get for the great and powerful Howie Mandel, everybody? Howie Mandel does stuff. His podcast's on the internet. I'm taping an episode tomorrow. We're going to have a lot of fun. Thank you so much. This is the best. You made a dream come true. I'm truly a fan. Oh, my God. We're so happy to have you. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? You guys are great.
Check out Howie Mandel does stuff, Jel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Law Firm, NinjaPartyBus.com, Austin Security Guard Service, KillMerch.com, ConnectMobileHealth.com. Use the promo code KILL15. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebalt is in. How about one more time for Matt Muehling on the guitar, John Dees on the keys, Dee Madness on the bass, Paul Deemer on the horns, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Let's see the drawing from local artist Chris Rogers. It's a new Cam Patterson.
Check out the Sunset Strip, ATX.com. There you go. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Good night.
