#638 - GREG FITZSIMMONS + DAVE SMITH
02:10:43 Share

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. All our merch can be found for Kill Tony at KillMerch.com. Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.

And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called The Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Kill Tony Band, and the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at sunsetstripatx.com. And now a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Thank you.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchclad! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Hi!

Oh, yeah. You're in it. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Ninja Buses, connectmobilehealth.com, where you can get great

necessary IV drips to recover from your Austin hangovers. Austin Security Guard Service and Hall Law Firm, the best law firm in Austin, Texas. DUI extraordinaires. I've never had to use them, but 100%, they get everybody off their DUIs. It's incredible. And a special shout out to Don Carlos Burritos in San Diego, which fucking the legends, they came to us. That was awesome.

when we did theaters in San Diego this weekend, and it was fucking mind-blowing. There is something about San Diego. They have the burrito. We have Tex-Mex. It's great. We have breakfast tacos. It's amazing. It's a fucking burrito. They got it in San Diego. You can't get a burrito like it here. That's the best one in San Diego. It's so bizarre. And Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey still slightly, almost done, proudly presents the Kill Tony Band, everybody. They're still...

Holding on, I think this is the last week of Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. How about a hand for the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the magnificent Paul Deemer on the horns, the lovely Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, the bold, the beautiful John Dees on the keys, and the backbone, the great Dee Madness right here on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

A very, very fun episode planned for you tonight. Everything is in motion, but before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. You know, after

Yeah.

Red Bam. Freeze Pipe has the best gear in the game, from full-size pieces to attachments. Just pop in your Freeze Pipe into the freezer for an hour for a night of icy cold hits. Be the best host in town and always have a Freeze Pipe ready to go when company arrives this holiday season. Shop.

the smoothest pieces and more at thefreezepipe.com and use code TONY for 10% off your entire order. That's thefreezepipe.com. Code TONY for 10% off your entire order. Shop today and start fighting fire with ice. Hey, y'all. When you're the parent who packs the lunches, chauffeurs the kids, and gets everyone out the door on time, you need a calendar that keeps up with you.

That's right. The Skylight Calendar is a smart touchscreen calendar and organizer for all your chores, groceries, and to-dos. It automatically syncs all of the different digital calendars and events your family uses and shows them all together on one beautiful touchscreen display. Skylight Calendar is the best way to give your family peace of mind to enjoy the things that matter the most.

The Skylight Calendar syncs events from your already existing Google Outlet and Apple calendars at events directly using the touchscreen or with the Skylight mobile app. Color-coded events visually map out your plans for the week while you can coordinate everyone and everything easily. It even turns into a digital photo frame when not in use. If you don't love the Skylight Calendar, you'll receive a full refund with a 120-day money-back guarantee and free returns. Skylight Calendar is a no-brainer.

Look, I got one of these. It wires directly to my phone. I have pictures flowing. It's a big, giant, cool picture frame. It is awesome. It's huge and amazing. And as a special limited time offer for Kill Tony listeners, get $15 off your purchase of a Skylight Calendar when you go to skylightcal.com slash Tony. To get $15 off your purchase of a Skylight Calendar, just go to skylightcal.com slash Tony. That's S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T-C-A-L.com slash Tony.

Tony. Hey, y'all. The lines at the grocery store are already ridiculous, and it isn't even the holiday season yet. It's only going to get worse. Save time and skip those crazy lines with HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. They deliver pre-portioned ingredients and recipes straight to your door so you can get right to cooking. If you need to save even more time, they have 50% off.

minute meals. They get delicious food on the table faster than you can order delivery. You know, my mom just sent me sauce from Youngstown, Ohio, frozen, and it thawed out on the trip here, and I got home the other day, boiled some noodles, threw it on, and I couldn't taste the difference between HelloFresh and my

Spaghetti sauce. What? Red band. With over 45 weekly recipes to choose from and over 100 curated picks from the HelloFresh market, you'll never run out of an incredible food to try. They even have easy breakfast, lunches, and snacks that can be delivered along with your weekly box, so you never have to stress about what to cook or eat.

So go to HelloFresh.com slash KT Show Free and use code KT Show Free for free breakfast for life. One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. That's free breakfast for life at HelloFresh.com slash KT Show Free with code KT Show Free. All one word. That's KT Show Free. HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit.

Hey, y'all. Decorating your home can be overwhelming. Between the pictures your kids draw and generic mountain scene art people keep giving you, it's easy for your house to have no personal style. Displate has you covered. They create awesome metal posters that take just 20 seconds to install and won't damage your walls. Red band. With licensed designs from brands like Star Wars, Marvel, and League of Legends, your house is about to get a serious upgrade. Displate's

also make incredible holiday gifts. You can even submit your own artwork to be turned into a display for something completely personalized. And I'm telling you right now, I know we always say we use the product, blah, blah, blah, blah. I've said this before, but listen to this. My entire place...

covered in display artwork it is seriously the coolest stuff it's metal it's extended from the wall you can do it yourself it comes with everything you need to hang it immediately just pop the included magnet on your walls stick your display to it and you're all set I have cool Tarantino movie artwork very cool quotes and things like it's just awesome save up to 30% off when you click the link in our description and get ready to hang on

art. The discount will be automatically applied to your cart when you click the link or use code Tony when you visit Displate.com. That's Displate.com code Tony or click the link in our show notes. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? You guys are in for a real special treat. These are two of the greatest guests in the show's history. Very, very exciting. Make some noise for the return of the great and powerful Greg Fitzsimmons and Dave Smith, everybody! Thank you!

Fuck yeah. Greg Fitzsimmons, Kill Tony royalty. Greg, you sit next to me. Dave, you sit over there. Greg Fitzsimmons, one of my favorite comedians. Make some fucking noise for Greg Fitzsimmons.

You guys have no idea what you're in for. Dave Smith. Greg Fitzsimmons. This is an exciting, exciting booking for me. I begged Greg to stay. He was here all weekend doing sold-out shows at the Mothership. I begged him to stay, and I'm so glad that he did. And Tony found me on the street. Yeah. And he was begging. I forgot that I booked Dave Smith for this until he showed up.

40 minutes a day. Was anybody here when we plugged in a mic and added a chair? See, there's actual witnesses to that. You can't make it up. The show is totally improvised. I was promised a hot meal if I came in. But Greg, seriously, probably one of the record holders for all-time appearances on this show because we always have so much fun. And the last time you were on, it was the biggest panel we've ever had, like five people plus appearances by Gary Falcon, who looks a lot like Nick Swartzen. Yeah.

And Steve-O did a minute. It was like a crazy, crazy episode. Dave Attell was here. Yeah, Dave Attell, the goat. And the time before that, I just reminded you, is when Hans Kim got fucked in a janitor's closet. That's right. And nobody had heard of him back then, so it was really just the Asian charm working. Yeah, yeah, he was brand new. I'm sorry, quick follow-up question to that. Like, he fucked a chick?

Yeah. All right, if you're not aware of the story and you say he got fucked in a janitor's closet, it just sounds like something way more interesting happened than that. Well, if you know Hans, it's really, he's not a very, he's not the fucking type.

He's expecting the pushback. He's not really. He's a sweet boy. He's a sweet boy. We're going to find out more about him in just a second. But you guys know how this show works. You've both been on multiple times. I've been told 197 people exactly signed up for tonight's show. There's a ton more names than even this in the bucket. I mean, it really, it goes on and on. I mean, you can't even really. Okay, there's one.

But anyway, I pull a name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear.

Which just interrupts their set if they've gone over their time. And that's how it works. Then it's followed up by an interview. We find out more about them. The entire thing is improvised. Anything can happen. Sometimes we find the absolute future of comedy on this show. Sometimes it's absolutely insane people that can't answer questions and the whole thing goes off the tracks. And sometimes both. That is true. Yeah. Many of your regulars. Thank you so much, Dave Smith. Just...

Just adding to it. I already got my hot meal, so I'm cool. All right. So I'm pre-pooling a name here. There's our first bucket pool. And while we go wrangle, that person from the bar next door, what do you think? Should we start the show with something special tonight? Yeah!

I mean, there's only one way to start a show like this, really, and it is with the man who was made a regular two and a half years ago. Boy, oh boy, how time fucking flies. And now he's headlining all over the world. How many of you are big fans of the show? So maybe you guys know the words of this song. You guys want to sing? This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim, everybody. This is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Camp. This is Hans Camp. Hey! What's up guys? Good to be here. Love how cold it is right now, 'cause now we all have Asian dicks. I love how Texans never honk. They'll be like, "Why would I honk at this guy? Just 'cause he's texting at a green light." That's what my gun is for.

It kind of scares me when I tell Texans that I bought a gun for the first time. They're like, good. Let the games begin. I went back to Seattle recently. Very tough to be from Seattle, my hometown, because all of my friends have transitioned and now I have to remember two sets of names. All right, that should be about 60 seconds, right? All right, yeah. 55 seconds from Hans Kim. I love it.

All right, jet lag. Redman waits until the initial applause die out. He waits until you start talking. So whatever you're trying to milk over there, I don't know what's going on, but we got through it. How about one more time for Hans Kim, everybody? Thank you.

Cold Asian dicks, checks out, absolutely. The honking thing is a weird thing here in Texas. That is a thing. I remember when I first got here, I was like at a, I was doing something. I was at a hotel or something and somebody wouldn't move. I was like dropping somebody off and a car wouldn't move and I go beep beep. Exactly, that's the horn on my car. Thank you, Red Band. Thank you.

This show is so stupid. There you go. Okay, thank you. Yes. That's my Corvette engine and my horn. So I start the car and it goes... And then I go... All right. And some lady was like, we don't honk here in Texas. And I'm like, what? And I didn't know how to respond to that. But I've realized since then people really don't honk. Do you guys know about this? This fucking guy said, yeah, quick. Was that you? No.

You born and raised in Texas? Why do you think that is, that it's a Texas thing not to honk? Courtesy. What a bunch of homos. Jesus. Courtesy. How about you, how about you, Curtis, curtisly get the fuck out of my way. Curtiously. Curtisly. What the fuck? Oh, shit. Marijuana. You ever heard of something so crazy? No honking? No, it sounds gay. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It sounds like the only time you really hear the horn is coming off the guy's forehead when he's going down on you.

That is true. You know what that sounds like.

Okay, that is not right. So Hans, how's it going? What else is going on with you? I'm doing good. I fucked a stripper in a broom closet. That is true. The rumor is you got fucked by a stripper in a broom closet. Can you explain so that Dave understands what it's like having sex with Hans? Because Greg said that you got fucked and I kind of agree with that. I agree with Dave as well. I did not consent for a lot of it.

She was very forceful. She's like, this is going to happen. And there's a guy that can watch us while we're doing it too. And I was like, I'm good on the guy. They say you never forget the first time you get pegged. Yeah.

No? Don't be judgmental. There you go. Honking of the horn. So I don't think I remember that part. She invited a guy to come into the broom closet with you? That's her boyfriend. That's a lot. That's a tight squeeze. Not her vagina, but the closet. Anybody that would fuck you, it's probably like throwing a fucking ramen noodle into a bowl. You know what I mean? A lot of extra space there.

What is your dick to vagina ratio, Hans? I don't think I've asked you that. I have one dick and I'm a huge pussy. There you go. There you go. Perfect. I love it. What else is going on? Enough about the past. What about this week, Hans? I went to the Renaissance Festival with my girlfriend. LAUGHTER

Those of you that don't know, there is an awesome human being that comes to every show and it's fun to hear what he laughs at. It's not necessarily punchline type of stuff, but our friend Chief here, when you said, I went to a renaissance, but he just started cracking up. It's like he can foresee what's about to happen.

Tell us more about you at this Renaissance Festival, Hans. How did you fit in? I've never seen an Asian person at a... I've never gone to a Renaissance Festival, but I've never imagined an Asian person being there. What are you doing there? Are you just dressed up like Genghis Khan or something like that? Just mauling people? What's happening? I was just trying to fit in, wearing my Western clothing, my peasant European white clothes.

White passing clothes. Uh-huh. And I had a great time. Drank a lot of mead. They have straws and mead. I was just sipping it, and then I got really fucked up on the white man's juice. Ah, back to the broom closet we go. The white man's juice. What would the Asian man's juice be?

Probably sake or soju or maybe even just like, you know, ox milk. Soju? Is that what... Soju? What is that? Is that when somebody doesn't leave a tip at a restaurant? Hey, hey, hey. Tony's first soju joke, everybody. Soju. Soju. 5% soju. Soju.

That's really sake. What was the third one? Ox juice? What did you say? Ox milk. Ox milk. What the fuck is ox milk? The milk of an ox. I think that's bull sperm, isn't it? I've been milking the males on accident. How do you milk an ox? Can you show us how you milk an ox? You're Asian. Ugh.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Holy shit, Hansy boy. My dear, dear Hans Kim is a wild animal. How's your relationship going? My girlfriend is great. She is starting fewer fights with me now. I know we never plan any of these interviews, so I don't want to get you in trouble, but can you give us an example of what a fight was this week? Well...

Maybe he was bringing her to a renaissance fair where they're known to rape the women. I was actually on this show. I actually said that I wanted to have a threesome with her friend. And she really didn't think that was a cool thing to say. That'll do it. Yeah. So did it last long? Do your fights last long? Do you solve them quickly? We solve them pretty quickly. I usually try to end it with a little sex. I feel like that helps.

That's true. That's true. Okay. You guys have a lot of sex. Am I correct? Yeah, we had a lot of sex. But I took her to Tacoma this weekend and we didn't really have that much sex. We only had one and a half sex. Oh, one and a half sex. Explain to us and the people listening around the world, what counts for half a sex? That's when I...

cuddle her and then with this hand I jerk off onto her. Oh, wow. Ooh, the old cuddle and puddle. The old fucking... The old fucking ox milk over here. The old fucking... The old fucking... All right, guys.

Hans, so much fun. Way to get tonight's show started. Is there anything I'm missing? Anything you want to say? I had a great time at the Renaissance Festival. What, did they let you in for free? They're like, just give us a shout out, dude. You're good. Come on in.

Come on in, bro. We need some promos at the Renaissance Fest. A shout out to every Renaissance Festival. You'll never hear that on like a black radio station where they actually give shout outs. Like, yo, yo, yo, shout out to my fucking Uncle Charles and the Renaissance Festival on Martin Luther King Drive. Did you do stand up at the festival? No, I was just a peasant.

Just walking around. You weren't the court jester. No. I wish. That was some white guy. Yeah. Amazing. Was there a court jester? Yeah, there was a whole show. They were swallowing swords and, you know, doing all that stuff. Enough about your girlfriend. It's nice. All right. We love you, Hans. Way to get it started. There he goes. Thank you, Tony. A new minute from the legendary regular Hans Kim. Thank you.

Okay, here we go. Let's keep it moving here. That's another name. And so we go to the bucket. I mean, this is where shit gets crazy. This is where anything can happen. Maybe it's... I think you guys get it. You're all fans of the show, right? All right, we'll try to whisper in the person's ear next to you. Catch them up. This is where things are a little bit off the rails. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut. A minute, one minute uninterrupted going to Zach Vandergrift, everybody. Zach Vandergrift.

Stand or Grit. And here we go. What's happening, Comedy Mothership? Not energetic at all. All righty. This lady. Nice to be here. Just got back from hunting. Very nice. All right. No hunters here. Okay. I'm just trying to meet a lady, you know, a lady that'll rub my back and I'll wipe off hers. I like a good joke.

I am trying to hit it off with the ladies. Last time I hit it off with a lady was at our friend's funeral. And not to brag, but his casket was the only thing that closed. RIP, man. I'm here in middle school, they try to guess my race. You know, they deserve that. They deserve these jokes. Try to guess my race, they go, "Are you mainly Mexican or mainly Middle Eastern?" "I'm mainly Caucasian." Okay.

Hispanic and Native American. They go, Native American? What tribe? These surviving ones? What do you want me to say? Windstar? 20% Hard Rock Casino? Thank you. My name is Zach Vandergrift. Okie dokie. Zach Vandergrift.

All right. Yes, sir. An interesting minute. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years in February throughout the week. Two years in February throughout the week. What does that mean to you? Just more than once a week. Have you ever done stand-up outside of the week? I've done it...

No, not that I know of, no. Well, yeah, everybody does it throughout the week. I'm interested to know why you threw that in there. Two years throughout the week. Sometimes you got to say things that other people can understand in different ways, and I didn't say it the right way. Too highbrow.

For me. I notice that you keep doing that. You keep saying too highbrow, this and that. Oh, you guys have low energy. I've been hunting. Whoa, no hunting fans. You're surprised that people aren't reacting to things that they shouldn't react to. That's very true. That's very true. Do you do that a lot? I try to get a reaction out of my dad all the time, and he does not...

It kind of worked. It's a little bit. You and your dad don't have a relationship? No, we have a great relationship, but I don't have a great relationship with my mom, so I just say dad and throw my dad under the bus. What do you mean? Weird choice, Brian. That is nice. My mom left and came back twice.

So that's the kind of relationship we have. But I love my mom. I love everybody in my family. I don't care if you hate or... All right, all right. We're not your fucking therapists. Jesus Christ. Jesus. Holy shit. God damn. What made her come back? If I was your mom, I would have stayed gone. I know. But she brought a stepdad back the first time. I guess she's trying to show off or something. I don't know. Was this sometime throughout the week? Yeah, this was, you know...

This is when I learned when a week was, yeah. Right. I started to learn after you left. Go ahead. How old are you? 24 now. And where are you from? Fort Worth. Fort Worth. Born and raised? Born and raised. You still live there? Still live there. What do you do for work? During the week. Oh, wow. Well, I mean... During the week. During... During... I work at a... Holy shit. No, wait. Pause for laughter. I know you don't know what that is, but...

When they laugh, you gotta let them laugh. It's something you're not used to, but you accidentally said something funny there. Yeah. I mean, it's unbelievable.

I don't know if that's just Fort Worth or you're just straight up retardation. I mean, that was fucking incredible. Yeah. It wasn't on purpose. No, not at all. Wow. Wow. That's incredible. But to answer your question, I work at a call center and then on Saturdays I change tires. Oh, okay. Yeah, Bruce.

Why do you only work one day a week changing tires? Because I got a better job at a call center, and I still love the job telling jokes in the back with the boys versus an office. Right, absolutely. On Saturdays, you're... Tire changer. Right, so you're tiring. Yeah, tiring. That's what I thought when I first heard your jokes. I'm like, this guy is tiring. And now to find out that you're tiring as well. It's incredible. Double tiring. Yeah.

I'm tired of you. Damn. Oh, damn. Hell yeah. Okay, tell us something interesting about your life, Zach Vandergrift. Your name does not match your look at all. Not at all. Vandergrift is a known name at DF. Vandergrift Honda and the dealership and all this stuff, and they always ask me if I'm related, and I got to break the news to them a little too brown for the Vandergrifts over there. And so there's not, you know, something interesting about my life here, you know. Uh...

But my dad owns a club, and so he's a swinger. He owns a swinger club. Ooh. And so I thought that was normal and then found out that's not normal. Right. Moms don't go and come back and then leave. Yeah. And then, yeah, that's my stepmom and my dad. Yeah.

I have a stepmom. Okay. Yeah. So your dad has a full-time lady? Full-time lady, then I'm assuming side ladies as well. Yes. Throughout his career. Your dad sounds awesome. Yeah. I guess the apple falls pretty far from the tree here. The pineapple. Pineapple, there you go. Even he is making fun of what you're saying over here. Shout out to Club Eden.

All right. Club Eden. Yeah. Wow. So does your mom bring her new guy to that club to swing? Good question. My mom, she's not, I have a stepdad. Oh, Jesus Christ. It is unbelievable. Holy shit. And that's in Fort Worth too? Your dad's club? My dad's club is in Oklahoma City, Fort Worth, and San Antonio. Whoa, he's got a chain. Yeah.

Dude, I feel like I'm watching a movie where I have to lean into the person I came with and go, are you following what's happening there? Is that the same guy from the bank heist? I think we'll find out later. It doesn't make sense right now. I'm sure they're going to tie it all together here. And you have to lean in and a little back to let the people out of the aisle that are leaving the movie.

Amazing, Zach Vandergrift. This is really, really incredible. And it's called Club Eden? Eden. Club Eden. Okay. Well, you were Eden-ing on stage today. Yeah, I did. That was pretty incredible. Yeah, dude. Worse than my hunting trip. What's the... Did you do, like... Is that a good minute? Do you have a better joke than any of the ones that you did here? Or are you like, I'm going to try some new stuff on Kill Time? That was going to be more the better half, the better minute there.

And then I said, so I was thinking of doing some other things, and now I'm going to go back home and take a hard look in the mirror here with a joke book. A hard look. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, you died harder than your friend in that joke earlier. Yeah, I did, dude. R.I.P., man. Yeah.

I don't think the mirror is what you need to look at. I think a pen and paper might actually be better than a mirror. For sure. Absolutely incredible. You're a good-looking guy, though. What's your love life like? Non-existent. Wow, wow. Women really do look for personality. It's incredible. I guess so, yeah. You're a good-looking guy. If someone looked like that and was funny, you could fuck the world.

Definitely. I got no confidence to fuck the world. That is incredible. Last time you hooked up with a chick, what was that like? Thanksgiving Eve. Wait a second. That's like tomorrow. What are you talking about? Holy shit. We got Mexican and the arcade games and stuff.

What? We got Mexican food. She wasn't Mexican. We got Mexican food. Uh-huh. And then we went to play arcade games, went to a bar, and then, you know. Okay, dude, that makes total sense, but what you said to us was Mexicans in the arcade stuff. Yeah. How were we supposed to deduce from that what that could possibly mean? Yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely correct. Absolutely. That's probably how my dates go. They're not nice enough to tell me what I'm doing wrong. Dude, for the record, I agree with Tony. I think this guy could get tons of pussy if he wanted to. I think it was wrong what you guys did on Israel, but I do think that it's true. I think you could get laid all the time, dude. You just need confidence. I have a question about how come Israel just didn't take over? No, no, no, no, no, no.

There's no questions from you, my friend. Sorry. So you ended up going to the arcade with this. I got a question back for you. How did that whole country get founded? What's the history of that? That was bad on my part. Horrible first date questions. So before I let you go, I want to know, how did the arcade lead to you getting laid? How does that happen?

It's funny because your mom was like, I've got to pack, man. And then she left you. Gotcha. Packed, man. Yep. And then packed away. There it is. Right when you think I'm bombing, I fucking sneak one in.

I just hit a bar afterwards, and then from the bar, I asked if you wanted to go back to my place from the bar, which is my grandma's, not really my place. Right. Yeah, this is enough. Zach Vandergrift. I'm going to give you a little joke book, though. You could write something in it on your long drive back to Fort Worth. Thank you. There he goes, everybody. Zach Vandergrift, the Kill Tony debut. Thank you.

of Zach Vandergrift. And back to the bucket we go. This is the real deal here tonight, Greg. We're in the storm. Make some noise for Talha Usman, everybody. Talha Usman is next on Kill Tony. Come on, one more time for Talha, everybody. There's a guy at work. laughter

He's trying to convert me to Christianity Dude got me two books, he got me a Bible and then the second one read seeking Allah but finding Jesus It was really awkward I had to explain to the guy that I'm a Hindu Which really I'm not But I wanted to see if he would go back and get another book

Seeking Bhagwan but finding Jesus. That's my time, thanks. Wow, okay.

You spent all your time doing that Allah joke. That's incredible. That was amazing. Very, very slow. Do you normally start that slow? Generally, yes. Why? It just kind of gives us the time to settle down a little bit. Okay. More like, him, don't. Take a second. Yeah, that was absolutely incredible. So how long have you been doing stand-up? Been doing stand-up for three years. Three years. Where at? First year in Dallas, and then the rest of the year.

What's the rest? The rest? In Austin? You said, wait, three years? Three years, first in Dallas. Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay. And what do you do for a living? What call center do you work at? It's very weird because the last guy looks like he would work in a call center and I bet your job is something that the last guy looks like he would do. Am I correct? What do you do? I do cold calling.

You really do. I really do. Oh my goodness. When people answer the phone, is there like a 30 second pause before you say anything? A lot of hangups on this guy. You really do cold calling. What kind of calls are you colding?

Yeah, so I'm trying to sell computers and servers. Wow, that is so you. That is you. That is like everything that your people do. Do you sometimes give people physicals and doctor checkups or anything like that? I refer them to the right people. Right, okay. So what ethnicity are you exactly? I'm Pakistani. What is it? I'm Pakistani. Pakistani. Pakistani is what white people call it, but you call it Pak. Like Tupac. Like Tupac. Tupacistani. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, it sounds cooler. Have you ever thought about calling it too Pakistani? Well, there's the two of us. All right. Talha, what do you like to do for fun? Tell us more about your life. Yeah, so I like to do this for fun. I like to do stand-up for fun. We got that part knocked out. You can see the joy on your face. Yeah.

And then on the weekends, I like to go out and talk to strangers while they're out of their mind. And I'm just like, what's going on with you? You just walk up to strangers and you say that? I don't say that. I just say hello, like a cold call. Where at? Where do you do this at? You know, we're at West 6, E6, wherever that's at. So on 6th Street, you walk around and you go, what's going on with you? What's going on with you? Does that work? For the most part, no. Okay.

You do that to both girls and boys? Just girls. Just girls? Yeah. Okay. And it works sometimes? Like, the percentage is fairly low, but it has worked. You seem like you know the exact percentage. What is that percentage? Yeah, so I've been doing this for a couple of years now. Maybe two, two and a half. And then I think I've had about two or three successes here. Okay, okay, okay. Wait, hold on. I'm sorry. What's a...

What's a success? Success is you approach someone, you talk, you like them, you get their number. Did you say court someone? Approach someone. Oh, okay. Maybe that too. And then eventually, you know, they hang out with you and then eventually she invites you back to her place and it's a good situation. Invites you back to her place? Is that what you just said? Wow. What's your living situation where you wouldn't take them back to...

Their place. What type of dwelling do you live in? Yeah, so I got my own place now. That's a good situation. I got a little studio. But before this, I was... Is it underneath a hospital? Is it... Dude, I swear to God, when he walked on stage, I went, I fucking burned my Hamas joke on the last guy. I knew I should have held it in the can. Yeah. It is incredible.

By the way, with that shirt, if I squint really hard, will I see Ringo Starr's face or something? It's a magic shirt.

Yeah, that is an incredible, incredible shirt. Where do you get, do you do your own styling? Yes, I do my own styling. Where did you get something like that from? Where do you get that from? Yeah, so actually I got this from Sweden. A friend gifted it to me. So, yeah, that's where I got this from. Where did you meet this friend? I met this friend in college when I started doing the random people thing, you know, when I would go approach. I told him the first time I did it. What's up with you? Yeah.

Right, yeah. Okay. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you do when this all goes perfectly well for you? No, generally my special move is just to pretend like I didn't... D, he's straight. What the fuck are you plugging your ears for? You can't just pick and choose. You're homophobic, goddammit. Your character is that you're homophobic. I'm allowed. Wait, why are you plugging your ears for this guy? I want to know.

Why? I just didn't want to hear that last part. Why? He gets nervous, I think. I think he gets nervous. I don't get it. Dee is an interesting, interesting character. Visual people are very interesting, too. Oh, shit. He just called us the V word, everybody. The visual people. Oh, my goodness. What type of hatred? Did you hear the hatred behind it?

Did he just coin us cisgenders of fucking seeing? And by the way, when he plugs his ears, that's the equivalent of one of you plugging your ears and closing your eyes at the same time. Like, he's like a nose plug away from having no fucking idea what's going on right now. I gotta do this right here anyway, so I'm just the same guy. Turn around. How'd you know I was turned around? That's fucking crazy. Have you been fooling us this whole fucking time? You think I'm turned around right now? All right.

All right. Talha. Wait, I had one quick. There's a game I like to play with the guests sometimes where I ask your last name and then Tony gives you what your nickname was in eighth grade. What was your last name? Usman. What? Usman. All right. What's your first name? Talha. Talha Usman. Maybe go with the first name. It's a little easier. Yeah, I think I would go with the first name on that. And what is it again?

It's Talha Usman. Usman! Jesus Christ, what the fuck is that? You don't hear it, Talhead? You don't hear Talhead Usman? It's Talha. Come on. You got it. I like that. I think we should reverse the rules. I'll ask the name and you do what their nickname was. Has anyone ever called you Talhead Usman?

That's amazing. That's actually amazing. It's sitting right there. I can't believe I didn't fucking think of it. Especially, I'm not even in eighth grade anymore and I saw it. My nickname was Taliban. That makes sense. That was hot at the time. Yeah. It was.

There's Al-Qaeda names we could call you, but... All right, you're leaving with a little joke book. There you go, my friend. Talha Usman, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, we're going to do something special here before we go to our regular...

We're gonna do something real special here. This is a very very exciting moment because we have a golden ticket winner that's here tonight ladies and gentlemen and This might be in my very humble opinion one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show This will mark his third ever appearance on the show and his second ever

as a scheduled golden ticket winner. I do believe you are watching the future when I introduce to you 21 year old Cordis, ladies and gentlemen. - I just got off tour this weekend with Tony. Yeah, it was fun. Could have been better. Told me we were going to Disney World, but it's fine.

Took me on a private plane too and I think I prefer Delta. The jet was nice but I would have liked coach more than flying in Tony's carry-on. When we got to our hotel it didn't take more than 30 minutes until some creep was hitting on me with a belt while he squeezed my nutsack until I said uncle.

It was my idea, actually. Thank you, guys. Wow. Exactly one minute. Bing, bing, boom. Keith Cordes.

Talking about this weekend here on a Monday. Best weekend of my life, Tony. You're the man. Fuck yeah. Heath was a very last minute addition to the show. I think I found out on Wednesday that William, who had an operation on his skin cancer last week, had a little bit of a problem, had to go back under the knife, wasn't able to make the weekend. Ah!

And I tried to figure out who would be a great, perfect replacement for him. And I figured, why not give the new guy a short set to get things started? And Heath absolutely took the ball and fucking ran with it. Three sold-out theaters, two in San Diego, one in the round in Phoenix, Arizona. Constant improvement each show. More comfortable, more relaxed.

And he's a fucking grower, believe it or not. Amazing stuff. Yeah, growing is also when you get better at something, not just fatter or taller or anything like that. Red Band's like, what? What's growing? What's growing?

Yeah, fucking amazing adjustments were made. Moved the closer to the opener, took his time. It was actually incredible to watch. It's fun to bring people with you that listen and can fucking make the adjustments, and you get to watch them have that kind of fun. First show to third show, tell the people what I'm talking about. Can you kind of explain in your own words? Yeah, yeah.

It started off pretty strong every single time, but those first two shows, it always ended weak. And by the third one, it was all the way up, baby. That's right. That's right. Didn't you give him some advice, though? And he took the advice and went with it? Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Advice went well.

Tony gets it. Yep. And what else? What were some other highlights of the trip for you? He taught me how to make a girl squirt on the plane. That's right. That's right. Papa Tony out here doing the fucking Lord's work. That's right. The ladies are clapping. That's right. Would you like to show everybody what I did? Like this. And then you speed it up.

You're gonna have to go faster than that, son. Still working on it. The general technique was right, but... Oh, we got some squirt music going here. Hey! There you go. There you go. That's right. The old Tickle Me Elmo. Sesame squirt, everybody. How adorable. This is the most... This is the cutest episode of Blues Clues I've ever seen.

How do we make someone squirt? Wow. That is hilarious. That could be your new gang sign or something like that. What's up? Heath Cordes represent. That's right. Raise the roof. The old top of the morning to you. The old fucking... Alright. What else? What else stood out to you this weekend, Heath?

Big-ass grown-up fucking gigs. Yeah, I got to sleep in a king-size bed. That was cool. I didn't need any of it. That is amazing. You were. You were in king-size rooms, really nice hotels. Did you do anything weird in the hotels? Nothing particularly weird, but I did the normal and I whacked off. Hell yeah.

I picture you doing some Home Alone 2 style shit where you throw on the robe and some fucking slippers, start ordering too much ice cream at the end of the night. I don't know why I pictured you fucking misbehaving out there. I'm a good boy, Tony. You know that. Trump made a cameo for some reason. Yeah.

Tell me you used the big bath towel just as a fuck you to the staff. No, I never did. I didn't even think about it. I dipped into the candies and stuff. I got all the candy.

Where was their candy at? Oh, in the hotel. Okay, well, I'm going to be getting that call from my business manager. Thank you, Tony. Didn't really tell you you could do that, but that's okay. Have you told him about moving items off that thing that counts the prices? You're a naughty little boy, aren't you? Yeah.

Kind of a little misbehavior, huh? I take you on private jets. I get you fancy hotel rooms, but that's just not enough, is it? Just had to get some candy. It's like Adam and Eve over here. I'm sorry, Tony. If Adam was the size of an atom. Stupid. Got him. All right. Heath, what else? Anything else we should know about? You're a fucking cold-blooded assassin. No, nothing I can think of.

You absolutely killed, dude. It's fucking incredible. And it's so much fun to be on the road with people that are appreciative and gracious and having a fucking blast and wowed by everything. And we're definitely going to do a lot more of those. You surprised me with how great you did. So I'm very excited. Fuck yeah. Make some noise for him. Golden ticket winner, Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Yeah.

And now, with no hesitation, aww, some Home Alone music. Hey, Christmas is right around the corner, everybody. It's a...

What's the guy say? What's the bird? What's the bird? It's a fucking... Hey, Tony, before you call this... What's the thing from the toy store? It's a turtle dove. Keep playing. Play the fucking music. That's a turtle dove. And if you have the other half of a turtle dove, that means you have a best friend for life. Ha!

All right, we're going to get right into it. Ladies and gentlemen, shock and awe. From the man that started those shows at the theaters to the man that brought me up in those theaters, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed Cam Patterson. ♪♪

So I'm getting used to white culture now since I'm around so many of y'all and uh I used a bidet for the first time I didn't like it. Y'all gotta put water in your ass. You gotta put water, fuck you with that goddamn water nigga.

I was taking the shit, right? I had the fresh shit. I was trying to use the bidet and I couldn't figure out the buttons on it. So I was just doing this for a minute and then water just started shooting in my ass. And it didn't stop for two minutes. And I couldn't just get up and let the water go everywhere. I was going to fuck up the bathroom.

So the toilet molested me. And it was one of them smart AI toilets. I was like, nigga, take the water, nigga! Take the water! I told that joke to my cousin. He was like, you've been around too many white people. That joke is gay. And that was my time. Unbelievable. Hilarious.

Was this the bidet in the green room up there? No, you told me I can't shit in there ever again. Was this one up there? Oh, yeah, it was. It was? Was it today? No, it wasn't today. I saw fucking water. There was an obnoxious amount. It was today. It was? It was today.

That is so funny. It's crazy that you could take material and just fucking be doing it in front of whatever, however a million people are going to end up seeing this. But right before we came down to start the show, I went pee. And for the first time ever, you know, and there is, there's a fucking, it's a Joe Rogan strength bidet, by the way, to let you know. Like, this is his club and that is his bidet. There's literally a button called defecate. Yeah.

which is like red. It's red and it has like a red X over it for some reason. I didn't press that one. That one was scary. That one was terrifying. I'm not even kidding. There's a button called defecate, which I don't have on my bidet at all. It's like a fucking Rogan strength bidet. And anyway, but there's like, there's a wall right across from the toilet.

It's so real. Like, this is all fucking... It's like Joe needs a spitting bat kick to the asshole. And it is all over. He is in big trouble. It just says things as it's cleaning your ass. When you clean Rogan's ass, three people have to watch it and go, oh! And here we go, the start of the fifth round.

Holy shit. But anyway, there's literally a fucking puddle. And I thought to myself, cause I'm like, I look at this place as my home too. I thought to myself, I'm like, man, I, I need to, I need to mention to somebody that that needs to be cleaned up because I don't want the fucking kill Tony crew being blamed for anything. And to find out that it's you and you're just out here confessing it to the world.

Not only did you take it, but you fucking, you turned it straight into material. I saw your fucking butt puddle up there. The toilet tried to touch me, man. That shit was crazy. That is hilarious. That shit was fucked up, man. A forced molestation by Rogan's toilet. That is absolutely incredible. In comedy mothership court, you can go, okay, listen, in my client's defense...

the bit was hilarious. Yeah. Talk to me. I was going to say, it worked. Yeah, yeah. So you were trying to get up, and that's how that water got there, and you're like, fuck. Yeah, I realized I can't get up or it's going to go everywhere else. So I had to just sit there and just take the water in my ass for a minute.

Because the bidet wouldn't fucking stop, bro. It just kept fucking... Why'd it go for that long, bro? Oh, yeah. Why you need water in your ass for that long? It was a long time, bro. You just got to let it happen, dude. No, no, fuck you don't! See, here's the thing. Here's the thing. Next time you do it, you have to relax. It's like a cold plunge or something like that. Like...

Like, if you tighten up, you're just wasting everything. You have to relax and really let it just fucking... You have to let it go up there. You have to fucking let it... You wouldn't say that, Tony. You have to let it breathe. Oh, it's amazing. I'm a huge bidet guy. Huge. It's what goes up my ass. A lot of people have wondered, is it dicks? Is it fingers? It's water. It's water.

That's it. The secret to life. Water. We're made of it. The earth is made of it. Straight up my ass. I love it. Can't get enough of it. In fact, I was telling my crew earlier, because we just got back from the road yesterday, and my favorite thing when I get back on the road is going to my fucking toilet and

pressing fucking buttons. Buttons are scary. Them scary buttons. You could take a second shit. You don't know about the second shit. You got scared. You got scared. You thought it was gay. You thought it was gay. Shit touched me. It touched you? It touched me, though. Oh, my God. It touched me. You were touched by an angel. Yeah.

Water is life, my friend. It usually jiggles a second shit, like if you keep it going. I can't even imagine how many shits Red Band can take. It gets the corners. Yeah, corners. He has an octagon for an asshole. Are you ready? Greg Fitzsimmons, what do you think about all this bidet talk? Well...

I had a cold water bidet. That one's probably got the heat on it. Yeah. I didn't try to press that, but I think it was like lukewarm or some shit. No, you got heat. Lukewarm's good. Trust me. You know when it's cold. I disagree. My asshole's pretty hot after a good dump, and I like the cold water. It's like getting ass raped by a popsicle. It just cools everything down.

I enjoy that. I don't. See, I had at one point, when I got my new place, there wasn't an electrical outlet in that area, so I had to have a cold bidet for a while, and every time I did it, I was like one of the villains from Home Alone, where I'm just sitting there like...

I still let it happen, but it shocked me every time. It was crazy every time. There was no getting used to it. Home Alone references. It never gets old. All right. Great stuff. Brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey.

Cam, anything else we need to talk about? You had your first jet rides this weekend. Yeah, that's true. This nigga just farted in my ear, you know? The old Deamer squeamer over there.

Nah, that shit was crazy, but I really enjoyed that shit, bro. That shit was dope. I was telling all my homeboys, like, nigga, we should buy one of these and do legal things with it. That is so interestingly urban of you to be ready to buy a private jet already. You're like, I've opened up nine theaters. Time to go halfsies on a jet.

See how I called it? I was talking for the future. Right. For the future, yeah. We're going to do legal things with it because there's no TSA there. That's right. Yeah. Absolutely. 100% legal things. 100%. Totally legal. 100% legal things. No one's checking for anything. Nothing at all. At all. At all. You walk straight through there. You walk straight through there. With 12 pounds of whatever you want. That's right. 12 pounds. I know because I carried Heath in my fucking... Yeah. So...

I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get this straight. So your plan is to get so successful that you can buy a private jet and then start selling drugs. I didn't say that at all. That wasn't said at all. You made it already, dude. You're so good at this. Look at me. I didn't say that at all. That was not what I said at all. For the record, you didn't say that. I said nothing like that ever. You don't know what those pounds are filled with, sir. I could like candy a lot.

You don't know that. All right, case dismissed. 100%. Very good. Very good. Let him go. He's getting too close to me. Let him go. Not guilty. Thank you so much. I love it. Absolutely amazing.

Unbelievable from, you know, having an incident up in the restroom to bringing it on stage in another fantastic interview. The great and powerful. Oh, wait, my mama here. What's up, mama? Oh, yeah, that's right. Mama Patterson in the house tonight. I love you.

Yeah, she's the best. We got her up on the fucking super duper VIP balcony up there. And all moms care about is that you wash your ass, right? That's right. Goddamn right. Hell yeah. That's right. And don't be gay. Don't be gay, 100%. Well, you can be gay.

That's right. I love gay people. I'm Cam Patterson. That's right. There he goes, Cam Patterson. On his way to buy a jet. The best. My man. The great. The powerful. Cam Patterson. All right. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. This looks like another new name.

60 seconds uninterrupted make some noise for Leila Inglis everybody Leila Inglis Leila Hi guys Hi, my name is Leila I think the only thing sadder than rape is attempted rape

Because then not only are you a piece of shit, but you're a failure too. I know I sound like a girl that might do eeny, meeny, miny, moe to decide what kind of gas to put in my car. And I do. Today I got diesel. When I first started my period, I treated pads like diapers. I know.

I thought we could just let anything go in them. Thank you, guys. Fuck yeah. Leila Inglis. Welcome to the show, Leila. That was great. Thank you. Hell yeah. That was funny for a boy.

That was amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up? It's been exactly a year now. Oh, this guy's going to jerk off. Look at this fucking guy. Mr. Obvious over here. Moving his chair. Excuse me. Oh, just got to pee out of nowhere. Fuck. Oh, fuck. Got to pee. So about a year. Where at?

Well, I started exactly a year ago in Austin last November. Okay. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, go ahead. I live in Ohio. I'm from Dayton, Ohio. Dayton, Ohio. Okay. That's right. Go Buckeyes, the new number one team in college football. Boy, oh boy, look who's making a run for it. And Michigan this week, who's no longer allowed to steal signs. Isn't that incredible?

Gotta talk our shit. It's so fun. Anyway, what made you come to Austin to start and then go back to Dayton? Is that where you lived before? Yeah, I was born and raised in Dayton, but I was so scared to do it around people I knew. So I was like, if I come to Austin, I don't know anybody. So if I bomb, it doesn't matter. Hell yeah. And now here you are on the most watched comedy show in the universe. So everybody in Dayton that has the internet can see it. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah.

Good thing you just realized that now. Oh, yeah. I did eeny, meeny, miny, moe between this or another open mic. Hell yeah. Wow. Solid callback. Absolutely. You know, Tony, I could tell it's 64.9 degrees in this room right now.

It literally is 64.9 degrees in the room. I was on at Vulcan when you guys were at Vulcan and I wore the same tank top but blue and he made a comment about my tits. Oh, that's hilarious. I didn't even know what you were referencing, by the way. I'm so used to you just fucking bombing that I didn't even know you were mentioning her nipples. You are a blatant sexual harasser, Red Bandit.

I thought it was a shrinkage joke for him. And people always ask, like, if you're in Texas, why do you wear jackets and coats and whatnot? It's because we keep the studio cool because fucking laughter and humidity builds up in here, so you have to. And we have an actual thermometer that we keep here all the time, and it literally is 64.9 degrees. You can confirm. 69!

In the front row. I so didn't get Brian's comment that I thought she was being narcissistic when she made it all about her tits. Right. I was like, that's not what he was talking about. Right. She's a smart chick. She knows what's up. Yeah. Yeah.

That's right. I sound really smart, too. Yeah, absolutely. So, Layla, what do you do for a living in Dayton? What keeps you in Dayton, Ohio? I work at the Dayton Funny Bone. Wow, what do you do there? I serve. Okay. I'm a server. Thank you for your service. Thank you. Why do you stay in Dayton?

Well, that's... Because I don't have a lot of money, and it costs a lot to live here. And I'm not like one of the people that are okay with being in their car.

Right. Have you ever thought about saving a few thousand dollars and starting here and then you could serve here in a better economy and less taxes and then... I have. My brother got a house here. You what? My brother got a house here so I could live with him. But I don't know. A lot has been happening in Ohio. I know Austin is so much cooler than Ohio but I'm getting a lot of opportunity out there. Well, don't you think you would get a lot of opportunity where there's more opportunities? Yes.

Hey, Antarctica's great. I've been having a lot of opportunities here. You're right. Maybe I should do eeny, meeny, miny, moe about it. That's probably a better idea than nothing at all. Eeny, meeny, moe. Austin or slowly dying.

Dayton is actually one of the worst places in Ohio. It is. It's horrible. Yes, it really is. A lot of people don't know this. People think Ohio is like a farm city because it sounds like Iowa and shit. It's like people get it confused. Ohio has a lot of major cities, and one of the worst ones, maybe the seventh or eighth best one, is Dayton.

Yeah, I'm the only other girl that does comedy there. Right. There's two of us. Right, absolutely. Dude, I mean, look, I thought you were great tonight, but if you're telling me in an entire city there's two female comedians, the odds that one of them would be funny is so low. Yeah.

And the fact that you are funny is pretty incredible. Yeah. No? No, yeah. I'm just saying. I'm sure you guys don't know about the odds of female comedians being funny. No, that's exactly what I was thinking. These opportunities that you're getting, do they tend to be mostly from male comedians that want to hang out with you?

Well, I like to think it's not, but I guess it probably is. Well, I mean, it's... You're funny, so we got that out of the way. Like, at least you have one funny minute. We know that for sure, but...

I'm asking you, when you get the things that they offer you, these opportunities, do they tend to make a move on you in some kind of way? Yes. And I've learned that if comics ask, hey, do you want to write? It means like, hey, do you want to fuck? That is correct. Yeah. Amateurs. No one just wants to randomly write with people. Yeah. That also applies to every question a dude asks. Right. Yes. Yes.

And in any industry, exactly. If you work at a gas station and someone's like, hey, do you want to drink coffee and talk about stuff tomorrow? They don't really want to talk to you. They want to do things with you. Because boys and girls, they do things. That would happen here too, right?

Yeah, that would happen. Yeah, that would happen on top of other things. There's just no escaping it, I guess. That's true. That's true. You could buy a coat. Yeah. That is true. That is indeed. That's how Redman covers up his tits, so...

I did it to see if you would make a comment about it. You did. You did. That's incredible. Lawsuit incoming. I'm gay. There you go.

Layla, I want to know more about you. Tell us some interesting fun facts about your life or anything like that. I have weird talents. I can talk with my mouth closed. It's not like ventriloquism. My cheeks get puffy. It's something. Let's see it. Absolutely. How many of you want to see that, huh? Yeah.

Okay, I've never done it into a microphone, so hopefully it's okay. Hey, guys, what's up? What's going on? Whoa, that's amazing. Oh, my goodness. Do you have a bit about that? You have to have a bit about that. I've been trying to make a bit about it. I'm not sure exactly how to work it out, though. Can you try? Can I just hear you say, don't come in my mouth while you do it? Yeah.

We can meet at a coffee shop and write about it. Okay. All right. Yeah. It'll be Red Band's first time writing in eight years, so it's going to be pretty exciting. Can you actually write with Red Band, please? That'll be good for them. Oh.

Layla, what else? Other than the talking with the mouth full of cheeks thing, what else are you into? What do you do for fun? I like to frolic outside. Ah, okay. Kind of a hippie. Yeah, you smoke a lot of pot? Yeah, but never before stand-up. I can't remember any of my jokes if I do. Right. I only tried it one time, and I was like, I'm not as quick, so I don't do it before stand-up. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

And have you thought about doing other things in order to make enough money to get out of Dayton, Ohio? Yeah, I actually saved up a couple thousand to move here, but then just so much opportunity in Dayton. What type of opportunities are you fucking talking about? Just so many guys want to write with her, Tony. Yeah.

Yeah, what are these opportunities? Well, I actually just got hired to be on a little sketch comedy show. Okay. So... Is it called Saturday Night Live? No. Right. So what the fuck are you talking about?

What little sketch comedy show is being filmed in Dayton, Ohio? It's called Slapstick Comedy. It's actually out of Columbus, Ohio. Yeah, no one knows about it. We're getting closer to Cleveland. There you go. Very good. Thank you, Red Band, for the pointless sound effect. Thank you. Look up the fucking thing. Jesus Christ. Slapstick Comedy in Columbus, Ohio. I don't think they have anything out yet. So what are you... You realize this is like the writing thing, right? Okay, I guess

They're going to slap their stick against you is what's happening. Yeah, it's come do some sketch with us. It's a slapstick. It's a red band. Pull up the fucking thing.

Oh, there's nothing. There's absolutely nothing is the verdict. So there really is nothing on the internet. So you're starting a sketch group in Dayton, Ohio. All right. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to move. You got me. Okay. All right. What are you scared of? Well, I'm afraid because it's going really well in Ohio. I'm afraid it won't work.

Oh my god, alright, so here's the first step. Listen, it's not going that good in Ohio, alright? It's really not. Okay, okay, I'll stop saying that, I'll stop saying that. I'm afraid if I come here, maybe it won't go well. But I can't let fear get in my way, I guess.

That is true. Hey, Tony? Yes, Redman? I have breaking news. I found Slapstick Comedy. They have 58 subscribers. That's not the thing. It is. That's not the right thing. Is that it? Can you see that? Yeah. Go back to the fucking main page, Redman. Is that the thing? Yeah, Misha. Oh, that's Misha. 91 views one year ago.

It is the promo video for Slapstick Comedy. 91 views in one year. Tony, you're wrong. You're going to have to ride this thing out. Yeah. It's a no-brainer. You got to see where this is going. Absolutely. Mo' money, eeny, miney, mo' problems. You know what I mean? It's an absolute no-brainer. This could be the gateway to doing improv in Toledo.

Great Ohio joke. Oh my goodness. Who knows? If you can make it here, you can make it and chill a coffee. Sainsville! Wow. My goodness. Wow. How long are you in town for? Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. You are disgusting. You know that?

I leave. I'll be here until next Wednesday. Well, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Oh my God. It's literally, it's becoming a punchline.

It used to be like an opportunity for people. She had a great set. She's from Ohio. She did have a great set. You're right. Thank you. You're from Ohio. You had a great set. You're leaving with a big joke book. There you go. Thank you guys so much. Ohio. She's got those Ohio hands. Good catcher. Marvin Harrison Jr. Future Heisman Trophy winner. Oh, shit. I forgot to pull a name. No, he's got the day off. Shit. Shit.

We're a bucket full behind I didn't pull one. Oh Jesus Christ, there you go. Take that one

All right, we got another bucket full. You guys having fun out there? Make some noise for your next comedian. This looks like a new one. Filiberto Gomez, everybody. Here we go. Filiberto. Oh, shit. Oh, gang signs and the horns. Filiberto Gomez, everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up, guys? I recently got sober from Xanax.

Woo! Yeah, well, not because I wanted to. My drug dealer, he overdosed and he died. And like, it was intentional and everything. So like, if he knew he was going out like that, he couldn't have going out of business though? Selfish if you ask me. Like, he knew he had social anxiety. He's just going to leave me hanging like that? How am I going to find another drug dealer?

I got slightly better news than that. My girlfriend recently cheated on me. She cheated on me in rehab, so I guess she was getting better. Just better dick. Yeah. And I should have got suspicious when she would call and talk about AA. She would say things like, things are getting really deep with AA. Things are really opening up with AA. At this point, AA was just code word for African-American.

Hell yeah. My name's Filiberto. I thought it was obvious I was Mexican, but that's my time. Appreciate y'all. Thank y'all. All right, Filiberto. Okay. So wait, she went to rehab and was cheating on you? Yeah, yeah. She found a rehab boyfriend and everything and ran off with him for sure. All right. What was she on? She was an alcoholic. She was an alcoholic. Yeah, yeah. Okay, and that's all true? All true. Okay. Absolutely. So someone was filling herberto. Okay.

Unfortunately, yep. So, Filiberto, where are you from? I'm from deep, deep South Texas. Deep, deep South? Yeah, from the border town. Because people think South Texas, they think of San Antonio or Corpus, but I'm from a border town down in the Rio Grande Valley. Right, the Rio Grande Valley. Michael Gonzalez, our chief super Mexican correspondent here with another layer of questions.

If you're wondering how south he is, he's from Mexico. He was actually at a wedding that I was in. Wow, that is the most Mexican shit ever. Amy and CJ?

I was in that wedding. CJ's one of my best friends. Even Michael Gonzalez's mind is blown right now. Shout out to AJ and CJ when y'all see this. I love y'all, man. I love y'all. This is more Mexican than being inside of a pinata right now, everybody. This is absolutely incredible. Don't hit me. Please don't hit me. Please don't hit me. I got candy in me. Obviously, I'm fat. Oh my goodness. Hell yeah. This is absolutely incredible. Oh, look. Another blind guy. Here he is. Out of nowhere. Oh. All right. All right.

You would think that the guy that helps the blind guy wouldn't wear sunglasses like a blind guy. It's like there's double blind guys. Like we should be able to tell them apart. Like, oh, that's the one that helps the blind guy. It kind of looks like D is helping him right now. It looks like D is guiding him out. I wonder if they can see each other. Oh, Filiberto's riffing everybody. Here we go. Oh, shit. It's just part of the riff festival. Yeah.

I love it. What do you do for work, Filiberto? So I sell pest products to pest control companies. It's really easy. It's like the McDonald's version of pest control. Pest control is what you're saying? Yeah, pest control. I sell pest products to pest control companies. Although with that jacket, you could work filling potholes on a night crew. Yeah, hell yeah. That is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll fuck with that. That is true. It is an aggressively orange jacket. It's my lucky jacket because I put the jacket on for the first time and I got on the mothership last night. So I was like, hey, maybe it worked out.

You got on at the open mic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. How'd that go? It went amazing, bro. I felt like it was my best set of all time. Like I was in the pocket the whole time. It felt good. That's fun. Yeah. That's exciting. And you just came here randomly. You, you still live down South. No, no. I've been in Austin for about 80 years. Um,

but I've only been doing comedy for about a month and a half. A month and a half. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exciting. What a fun weekend for you. Yeah, last night, randomly at the open mic, that's all random drawn and you, uh, you got picked out of the bucket here today. Yeah. All right. I think all this good luck is coming from, uh,

Wait, did you just wink at me? I think I did. Why did you wink at me like that? I don't know. I just felt the vibe. I don't know. I just felt the vibe. Maybe we were on the top of the level. I don't know. I don't know. Wait, what? Dude. I don't know. Tony, this guy got picked out of two buckets in a row. He's fucking shooting his shot right now. Yeah, bro. What the fuck? Let's fucking make this happen. It wasn't a natural reaction. I'm sorry. I thought we were on a subconscious type of level or something.

Tony, we all saw it. You were coming out of this, dude. Oh, no. Oops. Oops. Was it an accidental wink or was it real? It was like subconscious. I don't know. I didn't do it on purpose. Well, I guess I did. I guess the universe was like, whoop. Look right at you. You know what I mean? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Shout out CJ and Amy. I love y'all.

What the fuck is going on here? A lot of things. A lot of things are going on, Tony. All right. What do you do for work, Filiberto? He just asked you, but I'll tell you again. Oh, pest control. That's right. Pest control. Yeah, it's all good. It's all good. I love you. So what kind of pest are you controlling? Dude, that wig got Tony rattled. Okay, David, with another... What? Same question again. Yes. Okay, thank you. I don't know what's going on right now. I have no idea. I think we're vibing. Yeah, I just think we're vibing. I'm...

I think we're vibing. I think that's what's going on. You're a random bucket pool. I don't really... There's tons of names. Look at this. It could have been fucking anybody. I don't know what the fuck you're winking at, dude. I'm sorry. It's creepy. Don't be creepy, Filiberto. I'm sorry. That's my number one trait. Are you kind of gay? Is that what's happening? I don't know. Maybe. Have you ever done anything with a guy before? No, not yet. Right. What's the gayest thing you've ever done? Oh.

Let's be honest, in middle school, me and my homies used to like jack each other off. Shout out CJ. Shout out CJ, bro. That's a lifelong friend, baby. That's what you know. That's what you know, baby. That's what you know, we're real friends. I'm sorry, Amy. Amy, this was before you met you. This was way before you met you. Bro, hey, you're not best friends until you fucked around with your best friends. It was middle school. It was middle school, baby.

CJ is about to blow his fucking brains out. This is incredible. CJ has seven days of life left. That's your dog. Wait, you know CJ from the wedding? Oh, shit.

Wait a second, this is all crazy. This is like Mexican Jerry Springer up here. Holy shit. We are finding out there is a lot going on. Wait, you know CJ, Michael? Do you have it? Filiberto, shut the fuck up. Time to shut up. You have CJ's number? So CJ's wife is my sister's best friend. I don't care.

Wait, do you have... Hold on. Let's see how many... Let's see. Dude, that's a... Call them. Dave, hold on. Call your sister. Sister's best friend. Right. Call your sister and have her call the best friend. Let's patch them in. I mean, that was what? In middle school, like 13, 15 years ago? Filiberto, shut the fuck up. Okay. Shut up. Okay, okay, okay. Until I ask you a question, shut up. Okay, okay. This is all gonna happen. We have to get...

Put the mic up. Deemer, you got it. Put the mic up there. Can you send it to me? Just send it. Can you send it to me? Send it to me really quick. As soon as you can. These Mexicans never stop fucking. It's unbelievable. Can you send me CJ's number? Yeah. Yeah.

I think Heath's up there doing the fucking... Heath's out there on the loose right now. We gotta fucking... Oh my god. El Squirtle. Hold on. I'll send it to you. Oh my goodness. We are so close for CJ. Can we bring back the Indian guy for the ultimate cold call? Oh my god.

Just a long pause. Hello, CJ. Oh, my God. Oh, look at Filiberto regretting his decision tremendously. I got it. I got it. Oh, my God. I got it. Hold on, Michael. Hold on.

Hold on, okay. All right, hold on. Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Everybody stop. Hold on a second. Here we go. This is the part where we have to... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't hit it. Did you already hit it? Okay. That mic isn't on the pod, right? Is it on the podcast or not? It is. It is? It is now. But you're sure that's on the track for the pod? Yes. You're 100% sure? Okay. All right. You know what to do, Michael. Here we go. This is Eddie. Right up to the butt of that phone. Woo. Woo.

Here we go. Kino on the lighting. Filiberto, take a half a step this way. Hello? Hi, Amy. This is Mikey. Hey, Mikey. Hey, is CJ around you? No, he's at work. He'll be here in a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where does CJ work? 20 minutes. No.

It's okay. We can bleep it. You're on KT right now. Can you send me CJ's number? Yeah, I'll send you CJ's number. Do you want to write it down? I'm busy right now. I can't write it down. Can you just text it to me? Hold on one second, though. Before you go... Hold on, Amy. Tony's got a question for you. Hi, Amy. It's Tony Hinchcliffe. You're on Kill Tony right now. How are you?

I'm doing good. So let me get this right. You're CJ's wife. Is that correct? That's correct. Okay. I'm going to have my friend here describe his penis to you. And then I want you to confirm if that's correct. This is Filiberto. Hey, Amy. It's Toon. You know me as Toon, right? What? I can't really hear. You know me as Toon? Toon? To what? Filiberto. Toon. Toon. Talking to the phone.

What do you think the mic's going to do right now? Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave. It's Tune. Tune from your wedding. Tim? Tune, T-O-O-N. Oh, okay, yeah. All right, so CJ's dick's kind of small, right? I can't hear. He can't speak properly. This was a middle school, so maybe he grew. Yeah. Wait, everybody's dick is small in middle school, right?

Hold on. Let's call CJ. We're going to call CJ. Thank you, Amy. I'm sorry. Couldn't be of more help. No, you did great, Amy. You did great. This is like who wants to be a millionaire where the person doesn't know the answer. Can you describe? Here's the question. Can you describe? Yeah, can you get that music out there? We'll wait a second. Red Band doesn't know how to spell millionaire. All right, she's texting me his number right now.

No, come on. Come on. Come on, Red Band. It's M-I-L-L-I-O. Is his dick small? Music. You have to get the theme music, not the fucking show. Oh, yeah. All right. All right. I got it. And here we go. Keep it going. Keep it going. Keep it up.

Who wants to be a middle school jerk-off gag? I'm not gay. All right, here we go. This is perfect. You ready? Yes. And we are phoning a friend right now, everybody. All right, lower it.

Hello? What's up, CJ? This is Mikey. This is Bree's brother. What's up? How you doing, man? Good, good, good. Good, good. All right. So I have your homie here, Toon. I got this. Mike, tell him he's on with me. So check this out. You're on KT right now. Tony's got a couple questions for you. Well, I'm at work right now. I get off in like 10 minutes. No, no, no, no, no. It's okay. You can take this question. You have 30 seconds. I can't hear you. You got 30 seconds?

Yeah, 30 seconds. All right, perfect. Okay, so, you know what? Yeah, give me the phone. Deemer, give me the phone. Okay, can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you, yeah. Okay, so, if you answer this question honestly and correctly, I'm going to Venmo you $500. Okay?

But if you lie or answer it incorrectly, you get nothing. Do you understand? Yes. So we have pulled out of the bucket your friend, Filiberto. Do you remember Filiberto from middle school? Oh yeah, I remember. Hold on. Hold on. Got that Kung Fu grip. What the fuck? What the fuck?

Hold on, I'm sorry to bother you while you're at work. You have 20 more seconds? - Yes, what happened? - Okay, so, all right, so here is the question. When you were in middle school, you and Filiberto did something to one another. This is your chance to win $500 if you answer honestly.

What did you and Filiberto do to one another that's kind of naughty that you might not want out in public, but you can get $500 Venmoed to your account this evening right now if you tell the truth. And now is your time to answer. I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't know.

Hurt, hurt, hurt. I have no idea. All right. Okay, okay. So I'm going to give you four options, all right? We're going to make this a multiple choice question. I'm going to still... Normally, I would hang up the phone and keep my $500 and spend it on a...

bidet water or something like that. But I'm going to give you one more chance. We're going to make this multiple choice. You have another minute. Make it quick. Okay, here we go. That's right. We have to make it quick. So the multiple choice options are did you and Filiberto, when you were in middle school, comb each other's hair, brush each other's teeth, jerk each other off, or make each other breakfast every day for a year? It was brush each other's teeth. Oh!

He hung up! That's my boy, bro. That's my lifelong best friend. That's my lifelong best friend. I love that guy. Oh my god. And I am $500 richer. Holy shit. This show. Oh, he's calling back! Hit the fucking music!

Oh my God. Give me that who wants to be a millionaire. Blitz writes a voicemail. Okay, we calling him back? Okay, let's call him back again. $200 if he answers honestly now. He's not going to answer. He has a serious job, Filiberto says. Is it a hand job? You son of a bitch. A serious job.

Oh my goodness. How many of you think we should call him back in 10 minutes? All right. Filiberto, you hang out out back. We're going to bring you back at the end of tonight's episode and we're going to see if Michael, you know... Wait, what's his name again? CJ. You know CJ. Is this like a devastating blow for him? I mean, he has a government job. Okay. All right. Well...

Wait, hold on. That shit might get you promoted today. Yeah, that is true. That is true. He has an open mind and a closed hand. Let me ask you this, Filiberto. Whatever you want. Who do you think gave the better hand job, you or him? I think he did. I came faster. Whoa, very good. Okay. And when he would do that, where would you come? Would you just keep... Where was your standing position? I'd be like, I'm about to come, and I'd be like...

You'd run? You'd run away? I didn't want to come on him. It wasn't gay. Oh, now you're trying to cover your bases. You're like, oh, I'm going to come. We're helping each other out, bro. Bros getting each other's bros back. Yeah, it wasn't gay. It wasn't gay. Yeah, it's not gay if you go cum in the corner. Wow, I can't believe he went with we brushed each other's teeth.

That is absolutely incredible. Of all the responses, you would think maybe the breakfast every day for a year. I mean, I did kind of like, I kind of, I was pretty good at disguising the gave each other hand job. Like I like said it fast and went. Did anyone else catch the point when Tony went, I'll give you four options and he went, make it quick. Like, yeah. Like he felt the walls closing in on him.

Unbelievable. Well, Filiberto, I will tell you this. We're going to let CJ... Oh, you're not going to offer him a show on The Secret Show? Jesus Christ. You were a fantastic interview, Filiberto. Being honest and sharing things about your real life is everything that the interview on this show is all about. Thank you.

- I love all of y'all, bro. I love this show. - Your interview was so good that you're getting a big joke book and some Zippix toothpicks and a gel blaster and a can of liquid death on us. There you go. Oh, shit. It's hard to throw it with the Zippix. I tried to keep the Zippix in there. I failed. - We're done? - That was my bad. That was my bad throw, by the way. - I was ready for it, but not really. - I know. Lord knows you are. You're always ready to take a load at any given point.

All right, there he goes. Filiberto Gomez. Good job tonight, Filiberto. There he goes. Filiberto Gomez. Yeah, you're gonna get that on the way out. Yep. Man, he really wanted that gel blaster. This guy loves blasting gel, you know what I mean? Holy shit.

What an amazing time, huh? Damn. This is a real live show. Anything can happen. The phone call is a legendary part of this. Who wants to be a millionaire? Music really made it. How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? It's not easy. It's not easy, me breathing down your neck, spelling the word millionaire for you. You know, save a spot on next week's show for CJ, because he's going to need a job. Ha ha ha!

I feel like that's going to be cut out. Yeah, we might just have to bleep the word CJ. All right. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Andy Garcia, everybody. Andy Garcia. Andy Garcia. Here he is, everyone.

Holy shit, this is fucking crazy, dude. Already this year, there's already over 200 cases of teachers banging students, which is pretty fucking sick. The only thing that's slightly concerning about that is that out of all the years I had gone to school, I had never heard of a single one of my teachers that wanted to fuck me.

And I'm not saying that I didn't have a chance of hooking up with a teacher back then, but my chances were way higher when I was 16. Just saying, dude. The crazy thing about that, though, is like,

I don't know, man. I'm not saying that it wasn't a possibility for me. I was failing chemistry pretty bad. But every guy that ever banged his teacher went exactly like how that porn was supposed to go. Kid comes in after school trying to get some extra credit, worried about his financial and his educational career, and then boom, he's getting a handjob from his teacher.

I'm just saying, man. I don't know. That could have been me. I probably missed an opportunity, but fuck it. That's my time. I'm Guacamole Sad Boy. Thank you so much. Okay. Wow.

Andy Garcia getting absolute zero laughs throughout that set. I mean, that is incredible. Holy shit. This is insane. It's a shutout. It really is. It was bad, dude. Absolutely incredible. Our version of a no-hitter and no-laugher.

Absolute zero. I mean, nothing based on cadence alone, nothing based on the moments, the windows that you opened and opportunities. It is hard to follow a guy throwing his best friend under the bus for giving him a hand job. Yeah. But there's no reason why your teachers would want to fuck you. And there was really nothing funny anywhere in between and or around the middle there. How long have you been doing stand-up, Andy? About four months. Okay. That's a good answer for a set like that. That's not bad. That's good.

Yeah, this is pretty harsh, man. I'm not gonna... I drank a little bit before this, didn't think I was gonna get called. What did you drink before this? Rumpelmints. Oh, yeah. You gotta be careful. I don't have a good relationship with my dad, I'm sorry. Yeah, but you gotta save Rumpelmints. You gotta save those nasty, cheap liquors for after the show. Yeah. Rumpelmints, not a sponsor of Kill Tony whatsoever, as you could tell.

Absolutely incredible. It was insane, yeah. But this has been fucking... This is weird coming up here because you're sitting in a room of 75 other dudes. I know. We know what's happening. You're sitting in a room. You're waiting. And then someone says, it's you. And then here you are. Holy shit. Do you do this a lot with unbelievable opportunities that you're given in life? No. No.

No, I don't. What's another amazing opportunity that you've had in life? You ever have a chance to completely change your life like this? No, I didn't. No. This is it. Here I am. This is literally the biggest. How old are you? I am 31 years old. 31. So you're even older than you look. It's been a long time. And this is it. What do you do for a living? I actually, I bartend. I'm,

Bar manage and stuff like that. Okay. Bar manage. Rumpelmints is the choice of industry people. Industry people love Rumpelmints. One of the best bar backs in the world here at the Mothership is a Rumpelmints guy, the great and powerful Hayden, a very fun guy to drink with, the owner of Vulcan, Nick, is a Rumpelmints guy. It's a very big six-street drink.

uh disgusting to people that have been drinking since they were 21. when did you start drinking uh probably when normal like 18 19 normal people okay but when did rumplements start just a few years ago probably like mid-20s 25 right yeah no one should rumplements it's a backwards thing um very interesting very interesting what do you do for fun

Uh, I don't really do much, man. I bartend. I fucking come down here to 6th Street. I live in Austin. All the same bullshit. I coach boxing and kickboxing. Okay. All right. Are you good at boxing? I'm a good coach, yeah. I am a good coach. I never wanted to fight. Okay. Have you gotten into any fights on 6th Street? Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah, I mean, it's 6th Street. Hell yeah. It's fucking pretty easy to do. Yeah. How many fights have you been in, Tony, on 6th Street? Zero. Me too. Yeah. No.

I broke up a girl fight on a Wednesday when I was managing the library. Did you guys see the midget that got arrested this weekend? It's a pretty big deal. I saw it on fucking Instagram. I showed Yoni. I'm like, is this fucking Austin? And it was. It was. I'm like, there's so much shit that happens here that I can't believe it when I see it on the internet. I'm like starstruck. I'm like, is that fucking around the corner from us?

It's like everything happens here. It's so exciting. And then there's you. Yeah, there's me. All right, Andy. Is there anything about your entire life that we would find interesting? Fuck. That's the fact that I fucked this up heavy. Come on, you can still turn this around. You ever jerk off a friend in middle school? Dude.

Surprisingly, I did it. And that makes me feel like I'm just a shitty friend. I've never even thought about jerking off one of my friends, dude. Really? Never thought about it? Not even once while I was sober. All right, Tony, I'm out. You got anything else? How about when you were younger? Did you do anything gay when you were younger? Anything at all? Remember, honesty is the best policy. The only thing, I did want to play soccer, and my dad said that was gay. But other than that... Oh, there you go. All right, well.

That was that. That's pretty much it. Well, you had a good dad. Yeah. Yeah. Is he around? Has he been around your whole life, your dad? Yes. And your mom's also been around? My mom's also been around, too. You see, this proves the theory about people that have both moms and dads and their lives being unfunny. Yeah. It is incredible. It's a thing. Did you know that? It makes a lot more sense. I need more hardship in my life. Right. Yeah.

I'm not a recovering addict or anything, so I got really nothing going for me. Four months. What do you think the best joke you've written is? Did you do it in that minute? Is that it? Is that your best minute that you think you have? No, dude, because there's a lot of... Okay, can we hear your best joke? How many you want to hear his best joke?

You still have a chance here. Andy, do not give up. You still have a chance. I'm trying to save you here. Man, dude, here we go. This is it. Four months in the game. Not long at all. Very hard to have one good joke in four months. But here he goes, giving it to us now. This is Andy Garcia. Okay. Fuck.

Well, me and my girlfriend were super high the other day. We're watching 50 First Dates, classic movie. And my thing is that we need to stop romanticizing movies because like any girl who watches 50 First Dates with her man, they're going to ask you the most obvious question. Would you do that for me? Would you make me fall in love with you if I lost my memory?

Probably not, to be honest with you. It's really hard to be that honest because I don't feel like ruining the rest of my day, but I'm not going to say that. I'm going to be like, yeah, of course I would make you fall in love with me even though I have a full-time job. I love starting a video game over after I just beat it. All right. Wait, you know who's funnier than you? Go ahead, hit me. Andy Garcia. The dramatic actor, Andy Garcia. The actual actor.

Absolutely. Is it weird having the name of someone talented? Yes, it is. Yeah. Yeah. It sure is. Yeah. Okay. Do you like your job? Do you like working at a bar? No. No. What do you want to do? Man, well, I was going to say comedy, but this isn't going fucking... That is correct. Yeah. Probably just keep doing bartending until I have a better performance than this.

You're 31. You're four months in. Hard to start at 31. Is there any job other than bartending or comedy that you would like to have? Probably go back to just selling weed. You know what I mean? It is less gay than soccer.

That is true. I'm really scrambling on how to give this little storyline a happy ending here, Andy. You're really leaving me with nothing at all. No options whatsoever. Every opportunity that I've given you from the second that I called your name, you have completely floundered. I know, dude. It's pretty insane. Do you have any other special skills or talents other than boxing coach? Man, no. Did you teach yourself how to box? No, that's

It comes from my dad. Oh, your dad taught you how to box. So your father was very close with you your whole life. Yeah, like most Hispanic fathers teaching their son how to box. Michael, did your Hispanic... Michael, very talented artist.

Michael saying no, his dad did not teach him how to box. What did your dad teach you, Michael? He taught me how to shoot guns. Shoot guns. Do you know how to shoot guns? That'd be the second thing your Hispanic father would teach you as well. Right. Okay. Shoot guns. All right. Well, if you can shoot a gun, you don't need to learn how to box, do you?

There you go. Cheat code. Absolutely. That is true. Oh, man. When he was teaching you how to shoot the gun, was he showing you this way? It was the last thing he taught me, yeah. Right. Okay, Andy, you're going to go with a little joke book here. Can you catch this, Mr. Rumpelmintz? Oh.

And some Z Energy B12 and caffeine toothpicks. Peppermint watermelon flavored from Zippix toothpicks. You're going to get these sober up a little bit. Get your life together. Sign up again sometime, Andy. Sign up again. Do better. This could be the beginning of a cool story. You could be like, wow, you don't remember? The last time I was on, I was the worst of all time. Could be a good story. No, we can't call CJ back, right? We shouldn't. Michael's

Let's do it one more time. Let's get it. Give me the who wants to be a millionaire music. Where's Filiberto? Is he still here? Is he long gone? Yeah, go grab him. Oh, yeah. You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you? CJ's off of work. It should be fun. Do you have your phone? I know. For some reason, Michael was the only musician playing music during that part. It's very bizarre. The only person whose phone I needed. All these guys...

All these guys tremendously overpaid by the way. This is the one of the most expensive bands. One of the most expensive. They are. If you call them out for how well you pay them, they get very mad for some reason. All right, relax. D Jesus. Oh my God. Oh my goodness. D is very snappy tonight. He's not. He's done. He's a fucking sticking with that tooth brushing story.

Well, you can give me a little bass drum because I am indeed about to do the unthinkable, ladies and gentlemen. I present to you, I mean, how do you close a show like this? It's incredible. I was worried that this part of the show wouldn't even possibly be here tonight. Coming off of two operations, accidently.

actual, legitimate, fully verified skin cancer. And yet here he is, a man of the people. Here for you, as he has been, more sets than anyone ever in the history of this show. The only living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. The Tijuana Tarantula, the Vanilla Gorilla, the New Orleans Saint, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is indeed William Montgomery.

*applause*

That dude's dad should have taught himself how to shoot himself in the fucking head. What the fuck? So I'm very excited to be here tonight after having cancer removed from my face twice last week, but I think y'all would like to know the doctor said I may be the best pound-for-pound cancer fighter he's ever seen.

The good news, he said that there's a cure. The bad news, it's cocaine. So I'm back, baby! I just found out that Barry Manilow came out as gay. Did y'all know this? I'm so pissed because I'm gonna have to throw away all of my shirtless Barry Manilow posters into the trash. Okay, I stumbled on that one a little bit. I saw, I had cancer ripped out of my face a couple days ago. I'm not doing good right now.

But I did, I saw a condom commercial last night. That industry must be in shambles. Zoomers don't have sex. Straight people realized you can't get AIDS if you're straight. Gays are on PrEP. You know, condom companies about to be saying, we'll make your dick bigger, promise. And if that doesn't work, they're going to start saying, ladies, if he doesn't use a Trojan, he's a rapist. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. All right. There we go.

The great, the powerful William Montgomery. I love that cardigan. You have a real sturdy look tonight. Thank you so much. Again, I had a 50-50 shot at living or dying before the surgeries. Y'all don't know this, but I had a 50-50 shot.

So after I came out on the other side, I think I'm going to get into sweaters. So I got this sweater today. I literally got, I swear to God, life is too fucking short. I'm going to start getting nice fucking sweaters. I was on my death's bed. Tony, I literally saw the light on Tuesday and Thursday. Tuesday and Thursday. That is true. So we had the operation last Tuesday. I get a call on Wednesday saying he couldn't sleep from the pain the night before, and the doctors called back.

saying that they looked at what they took out and they didn't get all of it and they had to go back in and do another operation for...

for the cancer. They had to get more out of you. So you weren't able to make it this weekend. Tell us more. So did they put you out for these? Yeah, no, Tony, when I said I saw the light earlier, my heart literally stopped. Redheaded people need more anesthesia. They pump me with too much anesthesia. I do remember hearing doctors kind of yelling off to the side, but yeah, no, I was dead.

I was clinically dead for a couple of minutes, Tony. It seems like they would use a local anesthesia for that. No, they put me all the way up there. I can see the stitches. It's about a one inch, inch and a half wound. It was really bad. You should have seen how big the hole they cut out of my face. I mean, Tony, it was brutal. I was on Advil liquid gels the whole fucking...

I love Advil liquid gels now. Oh, you do?

Yeah, no, they really held my face. I couldn't eat. I couldn't talk. I was eating SpaghettiOs out the frame. I could not stop eating SpaghettiOs. You were eating them out the frame? Yeah, out the frame. I'd pop one can open. I'd be done. I'd be like, oh, I'm sick of this shit. I fucking died for a couple minutes. Nothing is guaranteed. I'd pop open another can, fucking eating those motherfuckers out the frame, Tony. I mean, one after the other.

Popping cans of fucking those. Eating Cheerios. I'm into circular foods now. Wow. That is absolutely incredible. A donut? Do you have a donut? Oh, I love donuts, Tony. You do? You eat them? You believe me, bitch? Why are you looking at me like that? I can't stand donuts, bitch! No, but I'm...

I'm pre-diabetic. The guy at the place who was able to tell me I found out I was pre-diabetic, so I cannot eat donuts. The look of shock on this poor girl's face. She looked to her left and her right when you were so blatantly looking directly at her. Yeah, she's been throwing me off all fucking night. Right when I came out here, I couldn't put my finger on what the problem was, but I knew there was a problem right there. Oh, my.

My goodness, this is incredible. She seems like she's a fan of yours, William. You're being ruthless. No, I don't think so. Right off the bat, right when I fucking, I was getting weird fucking, what's in your purse, bitch? I mean, why are you fucking holding it like this? I had skin cancer removed! She has a gun! That would be kind of funny if that really was a gun. Wow. Wow.

The presence of the great William Montgomery. Again, the sweater to the beard and hair. I mean, you are a stunning specimen tonight, I must say. I think that skin cancer did you pretty good. Thank you, and I think I'm going to have a really cool scar. I'll be able to have a battle scar after this. So excited about that. Things are looking up. Hopefully, I think I'll see y'all Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving should be nice. Yes, we're going to give thanks together indeed. Have some Advil liquid gels and...

Are there any circular Thanksgiving Day foods that you're looking forward to having? That's a tough question. I already tried to think of some. Red Band says cranberry. Cranberry Jell-O. Yeah, Red Band with it. It's Red Band. Whatever, Cindy Crawford. Wow, he called you Cindy Crawford. He called you a supermodel.

Thanks, dude. Thanks, bitch. But yeah, I don't know. Pumpkin pies, different kinds of pies. Yeah, I'll just be doing all kinds of stuff. Maybe some sweet potato pie. Maybe some apple pie. Maybe some... You like sweet potato pie, D? Wow, look at that one. We found something that D loves. I love that. Good to know. You know what? I'm going to bring you a sweet potato pie next week.

I got 500 extra dollars that I didn't... All because somebody brushed each other's teeth for a whole year. It's the same motion. Same motion. Little foam at the end. Except one you spit at the end. After all we've been through.

William, anything else going on in your life? No. What, Redman? I don't know. I don't know why. How's the little doggie? He's amped up tonight. Yeah, he's been throwing the show off all night. I've been watching it. We gave him an opportunity to talk about anything. Redman wants to know about the little doggie. We are 10 minutes away from you two hanging out at a bar together, but...

I guess we'll ask right now, how's the little doggy? Little doggy's doing good, y'all. If y'all are wondering, Gator's wonderful. We've been kissing each other. We've been hugging each other. We've been giving each other butterfly kisses. Ooh. You know. You want a small dog, do the math on that one, Tony. Wow. That sounds out the frame. Yeah.

Did you make that up? I've never heard that before. I've been eating SpaghettiOs out the frame. Yes, I made that up on the fly. I think, honestly, getting the surgery, seeing the light earlier in the week, I think it has made me smarter. I think it has made me...

I've been having these weird psychic abilities. I had this one dream I had, very vivid, on Thanksgiving. Us three are together and we're all having a really good time. And then just at one point, I swear to God, it was last night, this very vivid dream. We're all there and Red Band just grabs his heart and he falls over. Wow. Wow.

I swear to God, I didn't even want to bring that up. Ever since I was put under, I've been getting these very vivid dreams. They're all about you, Red Band. I mean, one is you falling down some stairs. That's crazy. I think you were having my, those are my actual dreams. I dream of that when I'm awake and not seeing a light at all. I dream of him one day grabbing in between those sweet tits. Oh, gosh.

No, it was a lot more dramatic, dude. I mean, you were dying in these fucking dreams. Did he turn the color that he is right now? Am I green? Yeah, he looked blue, like a little booge. Wow. So what else did you learn when seeing the afterlife? What else?

I want to go to heaven. I think where I went was heaven. I used to be a waiter in Applebee's. I was walking through this Applebee's with a tray filled with drinks and food, just wearing my gear, having fun, seeing different relatives at the different tables.

And then somebody, I don't even know who it is, puts their leg out and I trip and fall with all of the drinks. And that's where I kind of came to and I was hearing all the doctors screaming and crying about like, who even is this guy? Why is he's getting skin cancer cut off of his face? Why have we put him under? He's dying now. It's just this very weird screaming. And I'm...

Just trying to let it float. But yeah, I mean, it was so bad. But yeah, I've just been a bunch of dreams of Red Band dying again at Thanksgiving. There's one at Christmas where he actually gets shot by somebody when he's leaving some venues. But yeah, but then happy ones, me and Red Band's mom getting married. I've been having a lot of those. Yeah.

I think maybe in April, dude, we're going to tie the knot. You didn't know this, but your mom and I have been speaking. I was feeling really bad about all the mom jokes, but we actually hit it off when we started talking. And we're going to tell your ass in maybe April, but we're going to go forward with the relationship, Red Band. And I've been having dreams of the wedding day and you officiate and you look like a bitch, but you look pretty cool.

But you look pretty cool and you get us, you marry us, Red Band. She would never date a ginger cancer fuck like you, man. He would never, he would never marry a ginger cancer somebody. God, you sound like a monster.

They would never get with me. Well, we've already gotten together, bitch. What did you do with Red Band's mom? Describe to everybody. Describe to the people. Hold on. Let it happen. Yeah, I yelled who do you right when I got in her fucking place and then she just spreads those things wide open. And I get out a cucumber.

Wait, what? Yeah, and then I put it in her pussy. Yeah, it makes a noise like that. And then what do you do? Put it in her butt, dude. Oh, really? No, stop distracting him with buttons. Put a fucking cucumber in her butt. Oh, put fucking lemon lime starburst in her pussy. You put a starburst in her pussy? Yeah, after I stuck on it. What flavor? What flavor?

Red. Cherry. Pink one, man. Wow. My goodness. And then how does it end? How does sex with Red Band's mom end? I'm done with your ass, bitch! I'm kidding, Red. Wait, you're kidding? I ain't never kidding about fucking your mom, Red Bull!

We did it again. William, anything you want to promote or plug or anything? You're one of the biggest people on Cameo right now. Yeah, please, I can help divorce people. I can help marry people. I can help get long lost loves together. It's like a Craigslist, Miss Connections. I basically turned it into like a Craigslist. Where the fuck are y'all going? Oh, they're sneaking out. But yeah, Rosemont, Chicago in the middle of December.

William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes, the living legend. Guys, Greg Fitzsimmons, San Francisco.

November 30th, December 1st and 2nd. He's in Fort Worth, December 15th, 16th and 17th. He's at the Den Theater in Chicago the 13th of January. San Francisco, Fort Worth, Chicago. The website is? FitzDog.com FitzDog.com That's F-I-T-Z D-O-G.com One of my favorite comedians of all time. Make some noise for Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody. Woo!

Dave Smith on YouTube. 30 Minutes with Dave Smith. The new special is out. I do believe he is...

the future president of the United States of America. Make some noise for Dave Smith, everybody. A lot of common sense. If you're into politics and fucking humor, follow his shit. Very, very, very smart man. A lot of fun stuff happening. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. It is absolutely incredible. The drawing from Chris Rogers, local artist. Look at that, a new Cam Patterson. Oh, shit. Oh.

We might have to give that one to Mama tonight. How about a hand for Mrs. Cam Patterson up in the balcony tonight? Thank you.

Thank you to Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, NinjaBuses.com, Connect Mobile Health, Austin Security Guard Service, Hall Law Firm, Don Carlos Burritos. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Diemer on the horns, Matt Muehling on the electric, John Deese on the keys, and D Madness on the bass guitar. We did it again. Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, SunsetStripATX.com. I love you guys. We love you. New York City.

I'm with you December 1st. Two shows at the Town Hall. Florida, mid-December, Clearwater, and some other places. TonyHinchcliffe.com for very few tickets remaining for those shows. I love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Some exclusive Kill Tony merch for sale on your way out. Thank you. Go enjoy Austin, Texas.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

*Squish*