#637 - STEVEO + ADRIENNE IAPALUCCI
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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. All our merch can be found for Kill Tony at KillMerch.com. Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.

And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called The Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Kill Tony Band, and the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at sunsetstripatx.com. And now a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Fuck yes! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody! Ah!

Oh, yeah, you're in it now. It's the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, Connect Mobile Health, Get an IV Drip.

ninjabus.com, Hull Law Firm, and a special shout out to the best golf clubs in the world, sub-70s. I mean, un-fucking-believable how great these golf clubs are. If anybody knows anything about golf, you know that this is a crazy promotion because they're literally the best golf clubs in the world, sub-70s. Did you just get those golf clubs? I did, I did. I just got the golf clubs.

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You know, having a band on a live podcast is something that only we started almost a decade ago with the great, you know, there's been such an evolution, Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, so many greats. And another special treat, joining us tonight, the return of one of the greatest band members of all time, make some noise for the great and powerful Jetski Jesse Johnson, everybody. Oh, shit.

Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Chesky's very funny. And when she says something funny, everybody goes vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. I think you guys get it. It's pretty easy. Before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. ♪♪

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Oh, it's beautiful. Here, taste it. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code KILLTONY at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code, you guessed it, KILLTONY. You guys ready to start tonight's show? No. No, you got to do better than that. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? There it is. There it is. There it is.

Ladies and gentlemen, I love tonight's guests. Make some noise for two of my favorite comedians on planet Earth, Steve-O and Adrian Iapolucci! Oh, shit, motherfuckers! Oh, yeah! Steve-O! Adrian Iapolucci! Oh, yeah!

Oh, fuck yeah! Back in the cockpit again with the great Steve-O. Bucket List, the newest special. Worldwide digital premiere tomorrow night, November 14th. Welcome, Steve-O. Thank you.

You were just kidding about Dr. Drew. It's a lookalike. Yeah, it is a lookalike. I was like, if that fucking asshole is here, man. You have a history with Dr. Drew? I love Dr. Drew. He's my bro. I got a joke about him in my new bucket list special.

Oh, you do? Yeah, I reached out to him. I said, hey, Dr. Drew, I found this guy who's willing to put a four-inch needle into my spine and inject a drug into my spinal cavity to render me paralyzed while I'm in a full sprint. And Drew said, wow, do I hate that idea. Yeah.

For those of you that don't know, Steve-O is fucking doing his own goddamn tricks and fucking, I don't even know what we call it, Steve-O shit to a whole new fucking level. I watched the intro to this, uh,

to this special. It's multimedia comedy special. Multimedia comedy special. Yes, absolutely. It's more special than a normal special. It's fucking so special. It's so special I might give it a golden ticket to perform every time. We have a bunch of handicapped people that win golden tickets. Can I tell them about how it starts? Dude, go for it. So fucking he's... I mean, how do I even describe it? Bill Burr is...

I wanted to make it an elaborate big deal opening sequence. We always want to do that. So I thought...

It's got to be how I get to the theater. Maybe I can start out on a rooftop where a huge helicopter hovers above me, drops a rope ladder. I grab the rope ladder and the helicopter just flies off with me hanging on by my bare hands and it dunks me into a lake and then I'm all wet and then through the electrical wires and then I drop off the rope ladder onto the roof of the moving tour bus which delivers me to the theater.

and Bill Burr is flying the helicopter the entire time. So it's fucking epic as hell. Make some noise for her first time on the panel here on Kill Tony, the great Adrienne Iapolucci, everybody. The dark queen of New York comedy, taping her special at the Comedy Cellar December 3rd and 4th. Epic times this weekend here hanging out. Adrienne, how you doing?

I'm good. I love it. I'm so excited all these people know who I am. Yes, this is a true debut, an introduction to the Kill Tony universe. We're going to have fun tonight. Over 200 innocent souls signed up for the chance to hopefully get their name pulled out of this bucket.

That is how things are going. They are stuffed into a bar next door, waiting, hopefully, hoping, hoping that someone comes over and yells their name. They run through the back to the backstage area where they wait nervously. And then I call them up. They get 60 seconds of stand-up time uninterrupted. You know their time is up near the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them. We find out more about them with our esteem panel. You guys ready to start the fucking show?

Well, you guys know how it works. I'm going to pre-pull a name out of this bucket and we're going to grab them. While that is happening, I'm going to introduce your first comedian doing a minute tonight. He's a regular on the show.

And he has been for now, what, two and a half years? Went from living in his van to absolutely being a superstar. Sells out every single weekend, adding shows to his sold-out headlining weekends. The kid is a full, bona fide, successful comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, this is another brand-new minute from the great Hans Kim, everybody. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

Thank you! Thank you guys! I recently went to a strip club in Atlanta or as I like to call it a black box theater. And my girlfriend got mad at me because I followed all the strippers on Instagram.

She doesn't like it when I follow Instagram models. She makes me unfollow them, which I think is the wrong move because now I don't get to watch them grow old and ugly. They stay young and fresh in my mind forever. Unlike her. Hey, if I'm supposed to call midgets little people, then what am I supposed to call Mexicans? All right, thank you.

Wow. Another new minute from Hans. Pam, everybody. Absolutely doing it again. Red Band and I both very impressed at your unfollow Instagram joke. Thank you, Tony. I maybe should have saved that one for later. But, you know, I'm glad that I did it. You're talking about your upcoming arena battle? My upcoming battle, yes. Rick Diaz? Against Rick Diaz. But no, I'm glad that I did it. Got it out of my system. My girlfriend will watch it one week from now.

And it should be fine. Does she get mad at you for all the stuff you say on here? I blocked Kill Tony on her YouTube. Did you really? Yeah, it doesn't show up anymore. Wow. And you think she doesn't have a way of going and finding it? I don't think she wants to go out of her way to be sad.

Very interesting, but she knew you before she met you. She knew what she was getting into. She was attracted to you from this show. Yes. And now she can't handle it. Yeah, you know, like Patrice O'Neal said, the fisher, you get the fish, and then the fish is like, why do you have a fishing pole? Wait, what? What? I think Patrice O'Neal probably said it a little better than that. My goodness.

Way to misquote one of the greats. Alright, alright. Should've stayed alive. Whoa, yikes. Wow. So let's talk about this Atlanta strip club a little bit. What happened there? Did you get a lap dance? It was a totally made up story just to do some racism. Wow, look at that. Just to do some racism, everybody. Not just to do some racist jokes.

He's being very honest. Just to do some racism. Not to do racial jokes, not to do jokes, to do racism. I love it. This is the Hans Kim we've grown to know and love. Yes. Truly racist because he can get away with it. Yes. I mean, I'm not racist. I just enjoy it a little too much. But if you're attracted to children but you don't fuck children, you're not a pedophile. No.

This is another, there's a lot of fucking, a lot of TikTok clips coming out of this set tonight. Holy shit. Wow. Did George Carlin once say that? What great comedian, what great comedian's legacy are you tarnishing now? Oh my God. This is incredible, Hans. Absolutely amazing.

What do you guys think about Hans Kim? Any words of wisdom from Steve-O or Adrian? Can you explain the racist joke? I just didn't get it.

The black box, I mean, a box is a slang term for pussy. Right. And then a black box theater is like a theatrical venue. It's like a place where you watch Shakespeare and to juxtapose that. It's where people perform when they start stand-up if they're not already worldwide famous, Steve-O. All right. If they're not a giant movie star and you start an art forum, you perform in a black box theater. So...

That was a great joke. Thank you. That is true. That is true. I showed my work. I'm an Asian. I do math. I love it. I absolutely love it. Adrian, any thoughts on Hans Kim?

I like that you figured out a way to think about fucking kids. Without fucking kids. Thank you. You really are Asian. It is true. It is true. We all look like kids over there. That's true. What did you just say?

We all what? We all look like children over there. Oh, okay. And also here. Yeah, everywhere we go. Amazing. Hans Kim, you did it again. You got the show started. You're a legend. Not an easy job to do and you do it every fucking week. Hans Kim, everybody. There he goes. Alright. I'm going to pull another name.

to wrangle while this person makes their, what I believe has to be their Kill Tony debut. Make some noise for Out of the Bucket. Now this is the part where anything can happen. You guys kind of maybe get it, but we're about to meet this person together. Make some noise for Tyler Randall, everybody. Tyler Randall. An opportunity of a lifetime for Tyler Randall. Hey, my name's Tyler. I'm just kidding. Young Commie Daddy. Ha ha ha ha!

Have y'all ever choked on a dick? Well, I have not. Because I don't have a gag reflex. Anyways, so my best friend had a baby. And then an abortion. And then a baby. Then an abortion. And I think she's finally done having kids now. But for a while there, her and God were just sending each other babies.

So I started college again recently and I'm a millennial but most of my classmates are Gen Z. And now listen, I'm not saying I condone school shootings, but I understand why they happen.

And I know I look like a spoiled rich white kid, but just like all of my black friends, my dad wasn't around. So there's one thing me and my friend had in common. Well, and we both called each other the N-words. They're really two things. I'm joking, I'm joking. Okay, you can finish it. What was the end of that? I don't actually have a black friend. Ah, there you go. Okay, very funny, Tyler Randall.

Very funny. Unbelievable. No gag reflex, huh? If you want to find out after the show. You know what? I think we just found our newest regular, everybody. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. All right. You had George Michael loaded up already? Wow, amazing. This is my dear son I've never told anybody about. The apple doesn't fall far from the gay tree with you. Okay, that's enough. Jesus, we work into the sound effects. Hot Fingers Red Band over here. So Tyler, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Um, I started in March. March. Okay. Fairly new. A few months of standup. Okay. What made you want to start? Um, stage fright. I wanted to get over it. I've kind of like always wanted a career in entertainment. So I was like, Oh, what better way than like exposure therapy? Okay. Very nice. Um,

- Clearly facing fears is a thing. You must also be afraid of getting AIDS. It appears as though you jumped right into the getting AIDS. - Because I said I would blow you? - I don't think that's how you get AIDS, by the way. Pretty sure you need an open wound inside of your butthole for that one. But who's paying attention, you know what I mean?

You know so much. That's true. I study the art form very closely. So you started in March. When you say you wanted a life in entertainment, so you decided to face stage fright first, what type of entertainment are you talking about? Well, I started taking voice lessons like probably five years ago and acting lessons and then comedy and improv, so...

Whatever happens. How do you afford all these lessons? What do you do for a living? I do hair. I've been doing hair for almost 12 years. Okay. All right. What type of, what's your specialty? Balayage. So if anybody needs balayage, come see me. Wow. That is, somehow that is the gayest thing you've said up here. I have no idea what that means, but that was, that was gayer than admitting you don't have a gag reflex.

I don't know what made me ask your specialty either, but like, that was fucking a balayage. Is that like Napoleon Dynamite style? What is that? A little input from Red Band there. It's just like a color that blends down from your natural into like blonde on the, it's like her hair. Oh, you have a little balayage. Are you talking about roots? Okay, another one from Red Band. No, roots, that's usually like...

Okay, Redman, very active early on in the episode. Here we go. Okay, so Tyler, let's talk about it. You make all this money doing hair, so you're kind of like a wildly successful hairstylist. I guess so. I'm kind of, I'm ready for something else. I've been doing it for a while, so. Okay, where do you see all this going? You've started in March. Here you are on Kill Tony. What else? What are some big goals for you?

- I wanna move to New York. - Where do you live now? - I live here. - How long have you lived here? - Eight years. - Where are you originally from? - I'm from West Texas, a little town called Brownwood. - West Texas, so. Oh wow, this lady's from Brownwood. Wow, this is incredible. Wow, you were born in Brownwood. Brownwood is also what he has after he ass fucks somebody. Yeah, that's how you do it.

That is how it's done. This is Kill Tony. Have you ever thought about that before? Brownwood in your chocolatey deck? It's what I call my Indian friend. Oh. Okay. All right. So, Tyler, very, very interesting. Steva, what do you think about this kid? He said that he admitted that he doesn't have a gag reflex. It was not an admission. That was a...

Okay.

what I want to know is what do you charge for a for a balayage you can buy me a drink next door after this show like when you do somebody's hair you know my lady she'll get her hair done and it'll be like some outrageously expensive shit so it's usually between like three to six hundred

600 and that is for cutting? Yeah, like balayage cut color, yeah. Balayage. It's what I do. Oh my goodness, look at you. Now let me ask you this, what do your West Texas parents think about having someone so incredibly gay for a son? Yeah.

Are they like tough Texans? Because I'm looking at this lady right here and she looks disappointed in you and she's not even related to you. No, they're supportive surprisingly, but yeah, they both own a ton of guns and...

Yeah, they're like small town Trump people like probably most of this crowd. Yeah, absolutely. Or big town Trump people like most of this crowd. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. Because a good economy and no wars was a good thing. Anyway, I mean, no, I'm kidding. Totally joking, guys. No, let's not get political. Shut up. Anyway, 2024. Anyway, Steve-O. Can't.

Can you, uh, could you do an impersonation of a not gay guy? Ooh, good fucking question! I love it. I've been doing one for 30 years. Shut up, it's not that funny. It's hilarious. Let me see if I can do one. Um... No, no, no, you cannot. No!

God damn, that was perfect comedy right there. Oh my God. That um was incredible. I was just going to say, my name's Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a...

If anybody wants a balayage after the show...

Have you ever done a double balayage before? Are you asking for you and Steven? Everything you say, it's just you're trying to fuck me. You're trying to fuck me here, Tyler. I'm busted. You can buy me a drink after the show. No way. No way. No way. I haven't paid for a drink in Austin since I got here. It's not happening. It's not happening tonight. What is your drink? Semen.

Come on. Come on. It's too easy sometimes. Splash of blood. I'll have a cum teeny, please. I don't remember what I ordered at Mitzi's last time I came to the show, but they had some really good drinks there. One in the Mitzi, two in the shitsy. You know what I'm saying, dude? Abso-fucking-lutely. Absolutely. You're a wild boy.

So let me ask you this. No gag reflex. Can you show us with your hands the length and width of the largest penis that you've ever consumed? Like this microphone. Was it shaped kind of cone-like like that? Lady, shut the fuck up for the rest of the night. Control your whatever that fucking thing is. Just a big long brown shaft. Okay. Was it a black guy?

When you say brown, it could be multiple things. Long Brown Shaft is also his Indian friend. Hi-yi-yi-yi-ya. Hi-yi-yi-yi-ya. I am Long Brown Shaft. Hell yeah. Some of that chief beef, you know what I'm saying? Some of that fucking comanche, you know what I mean? Some of that fucking...

Some of that fucking Brown River. Okay, well, all right, that's enough. Anything else crazy we should know about you, Tyler, before letting you go? Adrian, what do you think about this guy? What do you think about your little brother here? I think he's great. I love you, too. If you want to stay in comedy or show business, what you need to do to take it to the next level is transition. LAUGHTER

You have the joke, so you're so funny already, that would really put you over the edge. It is true. I wish Jessica Rabbit for Halloween. That's a good start. Oh, shit. Jessica Rabbit put the carrot in the wrong hole, you know what I'm saying? Rabbit joke. Then you really make your parents proud.

It is true. Being a normal gay guy is so 10 years ago. It's time to up it to the next level. You could kind of have a Rhea Perlman look to you. You could pull off something like that. A little bit of an old reference, but Red Band loves it.

Tyler, I'm going to give you a big joke book. You could shove this anywhere you want, in your mouth, your butt, anything you want to do with it. There you go. And he can catch it. He caught it. Much like monkey pox, he caught it. Make some noise for Tyler Randall, everybody. He's also leaving here with a gel blaster. You don't want to know where that's going to end up. His butt. It's another stuff up his butt joke.

All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Kojak, everybody. It's Kojak. I'm Tyler's black friend. Hey, I'm black and I'm gay. I know I look like David Goggins if his sole motivation was to suck a marathon of cock. Who's going to carry the cocks? And my log.

Instead of killing them with kindness, show them how well you suck seed. Stay hard. Don't stop sucking dick when you're tired. Stop sucking dick when you're done. Stay hard. I woke up this morning and ran 15 miles. A gay demon chased me for the first two. He got tired. I didn't. Stay hard. I'm black and I'm gay. I'll leave you guys with this. I'm black and I'm gay. Hey, I didn't get HIV. I stole HIV.

My name is Kojak. You guys are great. Kojak, ladies and gentlemen, and this episode is extra gay to start here. This is absolutely incredible. It's amazing. Two for two out of the bucket pools. D Madness is in hell right now, everybody. For those of you that don't know, D Madness is our senior homophobic correspondent. He is blind and...

He has only one type of person he doesn't like and it appears to be the gay men. Is that fair to say, Dee? I'm dead. That was amazing.

Oh, that was amazing. Imagine how homophobic he'd be if he could see some of these faggots over here. I'm pretty sure he smells your guys' dicks is the problem. That's why I answered the question the right way. That's right, D Madness. Absolutely. You can do no wrong, D. You're absolutely... How about a hand for D Madness, everybody? The man, the myth, the legend.

So Kojak, you've been on this show before, correct? That's right, that's right. How did it go last time? What happened? It went good. I got a handjob at the lake from Nephew Laser. Nephew Laser. Yeah, so it was a twink with a mullet. Oh, there was another kid with a mullet on the show. And you said he looked like Uncle Laser. It was Uncle Laser. Gotcha, gotcha. Okay. And he gave you a handjob after the show? No, at the lake.

Right, but that was after the taping that you were on? Yeah, that's right. Okay, I'm just trying to understand what you're saying here. And he was on the same episode as you? Yeah. Okay. Did you tell him that you were going to talk about him giving a handjob to you? Well, no. Look at that. You guys just throw each other under the buses all the time.

absolutely back of the bus there you go right absolutely all right i'm still black okay kojak we got you you're black and you're gay we're pretty much get it at this point uh how has your life changed since you were on this show you've only been on once before how long ago was that that was about four months ago okay so what's gone on since then oh it's great i've been getting shows people know me they call me they say hey you're black and you're gay and i'm like yeah that's me thank you that's really your branding that's your thing

There's only one, baby. Wow. Yeah, there's a lot more than one. But it is incredible. It is incredible. He literally wears anal beads around his neck. It is amazing. It takes a specific type of gay man to rock the anal beads. Red band. Last episode, you were doing the black and gay thing after every joke. Also, is that your whole, like...

15 minutes is just doing the black and gay stuff or do you have any material that's not about you? No, I did mostly David Goggin stuff. But how long of a set can you do? I've done like 20 minutes before. Okay. All right. I've done a few shows. Okay. Absolutely, Kojak. Do you have any other special skills or talents that we haven't talked about before? No, but I was thinking that when I was 14...

It's the first time I ever went to a stripper bar. A stripper bar? Yeah. A strip club? At 14, yeah. You're talking about a strip club? An actual stripper bar at 14, yeah. What's a stripper bar to you? Is he a narc? What does that mean exactly? Where are you from? I'm from Philly. Philly. And you went to a stripper bar? In West Philly. Okay. In the back of a liquor store. The back of a liquor store. When I was 14. There's strippers and it's a bar. Yeah, it was pretty ghetto. Not a club. Not a club. Was there a pole?

No, no pole. No pole? Was there a stage? Yeah, two nasty bitches on stage. All right. Heineken bottles. Is that when you became gay? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 14-year-olds should not be seeing that. So what happened there? It was like a club full of like, imagine like a club full of David Jollies and like two 14-year-old boys and go ahead, boy, go in there, get up there. And he pushed us to the stage to the front and

The ladies were doing stuff. I don't know. They were putting Heineken bottles in each other's vagina. And I don't know. It kind of scarred me. And so I don't know nature versus nurture. I don't know if I was born gay or if that just scarred me. Did you feel gay before that? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That makes sense.

That kind of really stamped it on there. Right. Okay, what's the gayest thing you've ever done? You're so excited to be gay and black. I'm going to ask what the blackest thing you've ever done is after this, but we'll start with gay. Gayest thing you've ever done before. Really think about it. Take a second to think about it. I played catch on a nude beach with my boyfriend in front of a couple hundred people. Okay, what type of catch...

What type of catch were you playing? Balls. That's pretty gay. Handball, football. We throw the football around. Okay. Butt naked football throwing. Trying to reclaim our youth, baby. Okay. So football is the most gay thing you've ever done? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I get a feeling throwing a football is also the blackest thing you've ever done. I don't even think I need to ask the second question. But let's go with it anyway. What do you think the blackest thing you've ever done is?

Oh, I make a good baked macaroni and cheese. Ooh. Blackened cheese. Oh, shit. For Thanksgiving. Wow. Look at that. You want to come over? Nope. Nope. I'm getting all the action. I'm going to stick to my craft. It's a mac and cheese joke right there. Fucking out of nowhere. You got to. Sometimes you. All right. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Okay, Kojak, man, so much gay on this stage so far. You guys have anything for Kojak? Any thoughts or anything? If you didn't tell us that you were gay, I never would have guessed. Yeah, bro, I'm straight as fuck, bro. I'm straight as fuck, bro. Is that it? The other guy couldn't get straight either. I'm straight as fuck, bro. You don't have any kind of an affect or anything like that. It's maybe not right, but...

Could you do an impersonation of a gay guy? That's a good question. That's a good question. Oh, shit. Do not put that in your mouth. I saw the gay wheels turn in there. Gay wheels. Transformers.

Like, oh my God. Like, hey. I don't know if I was born gay or like, I don't know. I imagine if I was born gay, I'd be like in the womb and they would cut me open. I'm like, ew, get me out of here. It stinks in here. All right, that's terrible. I know. Adrienne, you have anything for Koja? I actually like the gay thing you just did better than your joke. Oh. I guess I'll play up to the stereotypes. I really liked...

Don't stop sucking dick when you're tired. Stop when you're done. That was fantastic. That's a good question. Keep that. Stay hard. There he goes, Kojak, everybody. Last time you were on, you got a little joke book? There you go. Use it. All right, I'm going to bring somebody up here to take all the gay out of the stage real quick. We're just going to sage it with an extremely straight man.

Ladies and gentlemen, yes, the good old straight saging of a man that loves a vagina very much. He is an absolute star, famous with children and adults all around the world. Make some noise for the viral sensation. Kill Tony regular. This is Cam Patterson, everybody. ♪♪

It's been gay as fuck so far nigga, goddamn. A lot of people know me now for the guy that likes rocks and that's cool. But every time I do a set somebody yells it out. So if you yell it out before I get to say it, I'ma tell you something. This was real shit. I will stone the fuck out your ass.

I'm tired of hearing it and leaving me the fuck alone about it, okay? Like, real shit, now that I got it out of the way, I can go on with my set. I was walking down the street today, and a cop had seen me, and I was jaywalking. That's my favorite crime to commit. And I was jaywalking, and the cop had seen me. He was like, hey, what's your name? I was like, what? He was like, what is your name? And listen, me and cops don't get along, so I was getting ready to run away, because I was terrified. He kept going, what is your name? And I was like, what the fuck do you want?

And then he went, do you like rocks? And I was like, you should have started with that, bitch. And I was like, yeah, I do like rocks. And then he was like, you got something in your pocket? I said, yes. And then he arrested me. That's my time. Thank you guys so much. Boom. Exactly one minute. Cam Patterson, I love it. Talking about...

Rocks. Yeah. It works. It works. What you're famous for, might as well fucking stretch it out a bit. I don't want to talk about that shit, nigga. Absolutely. Yeah, I got a big one. This shit is huge. Somebody gave me this shit. Whoa. Boom. Damn, I met a guy 10 minutes ago that could swallow that. That nigga would get held up. Yeah, dude. It's bad. You might have to keep that rock away from D Madness. He might try to throw it at him or something like that.

End up hitting an innocent, innocent audience member. So Cam, that's fun. How's life going? Tell us about it. Good, bro. I got clothes now. Yeah. You see, I got clothes and shit. Nigga, I'm wearing clothes and shit, and I got shoes on. Yeah, man.

I'm getting money for the first time in my life. I don't know what to do with it. I'm just buying dumb shit. I'm having a good time, man. This is pretty cool. That is what it's all about. You're making money. Might as well spend it. I do remember, I do believe it was only about three or four months ago, you're up here in a plain white t-shirt, sweatpants and slides saying, I'm never going to change. And here you are. It took no time at all.

decked out, polo, full-bodied suit, complete with tennis shoes, like a fully grown adult. I got that first theater take. I'm like, nah, I'm done. This is over. Yep. We do live that life. We are getting on a jet this week to go to Phoenix and San Diego. Living jet life with our wild Texas friends. Hell yeah. I can't wait. Yep. I'm going to send dumb video to my homeboy like, nigga, we in a jet. Fuck, nigga, we doing it.

We living life right now, bitch. Fuck you. That's not, you know what I'm saying? I'm having a good time. And it is going to be your first jet ride. What are your expectations in this type of a situation? I just hope we land. That's all it is. All I hope is that we land. That is the most important part. There is no doubt about it. And you bring me two white bitches on the jet. That's what I want.

That's all I ask. Two white bitches. Yep. Well, there will be two white bitch types with you. I don't know. I don't know. Does William and Hans count? Hans ain't even white. That nigga Chinese, Vietnamese, and some other shit. Yeah.

He's neither one of those things. Korean! He's no me's, that's right. There you go, I'm a genius, fuck you. That's right. I know what my nigga Hines is. A killer. Fuck Rick Diaz. Yeah. The crowd...

The crowd goes wild. The war between Hans and Rick Diaz is reigning supreme. People are taking sides. Nobody is on Rick Diaz's side. He's in Brussels right now having to just absorb all of this. Yeah, he'll bit. You guys have seen Cam Patterson before? The sensation? Stebo, Adrian, any thoughts on Cam Patterson?

Did you just do some racism? Yes, I did. I did a little bit of it, a little bit of it. Yeah, I thought so. I think you're a really good looking guy, great energy, you know. Thank you, I like your teeth. Thanks, man. Hell yeah. Oh, fuck. That bitch is cool as hell, yeah. Yeah. I'm going to put it right here.

Hell yeah. How much do those teeth cost? Oh my God, which set? The ones you just took out. Damn, you got more? You got different ones? Yeah, I've been through teeth. I got...

It's a fucking disaster, man. My whole body is a fucking disaster. I can only imagine. You do wild shit, nigga. Yeah. You're like the most extreme white man of all time, dawg. You know that, right? Oh, thanks, man. Yeah. This is true.

Thanks, man. And you have not seen Extreme until you see Bucket List making its worldwide digital premiere tomorrow. Absolutely wild. But seriously, how much do you think just on teeth alone, if you had to guess, how many balayages could you buy? Wow, with all the money I made stapling my balayage to my leg. LAUGHTER

Talk about your balls. Yeah. Oh.

He did that. Yeah, drop in the bucket, baby. That's crazy, nigga. So what are you going to Phoenix for? With him. With him, yeah. You're going on the Fully Grown tour? Yeah. That's where he goes to go do racism? Yeah. We all go to go do racism. I lock up phones and we do some racism in different cities. People pay money for it and it's working out just fine.

We have added shows to the 2024 stretch in Portland and Boston. Very, very liberal cities it seems. So very excited of having very, very different jokes in their cities. It's going to be fun. Absolutely. 100%. Congrats, man. I like that. Thank you so much. It's been a trip, bro. I really enjoyed it. Thank y'all so much and all that shit. Tony...

I get to see Seasons for the first time because of Tony. That shit was crazy, nigga. That's true. Real shit. I see like the leaves change. I ain't never seen that shit before, dog. He was. It was pretty wild. Philly, Youngstown, Cincinnati. Yeah, yeah. That shit was cool as fuck, bro. Yeah. Your life is dope. You're going to see New York City December 1st. That's going to be fucking a snowy little winter wonderland. Have you been around snow? I ain't never seen snow. Oh, shit. You've never seen snow before? Uh-uh. Wow.

You're gonna love it. It is? Yeah. Am I? Black people love snow. Yeah. You can't drown in the snow. Yeah. You can stand on it and throw it. Yeah. This nigga D-Man said, I've never seen snow. Yeah. It's true.

That is true. You feel it, though. Cam, you're an absolute star. You're fucking unbelievable. Your trajectory is wild. Perhaps one of the strongest regulars in the history of the show. We fucking love you. Love you, man. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. He's done it again. Thank you.

All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise. We're going to meet them all together. Brent Reid, everybody. Brent Reid is next on Kill Tony. Brent Reid. Hey. I just moved here from Alabama, which surprises people because I look like Rachel Maddow's bitmoji.

Hell yeah. Called my dad today. I was like, hey man, how's it going? He goes, brother, if I was any better, I'd be twins. Can someone here explain to me what the fuck that means? My favorite one growing up, redneck dad's talking riddles. My favorite one growing up, he'd be working on something, I'd give him advice. He'd go, Brent, I'm the one fucking this pig, you're the one holding it down. You ever heard that one? I was like, all right, well, I'm six. He just taught me bestiality, non-consensual sex, and metaphor, all in one swoop.

Getting adjusted. I'm getting adjusted to Austin. Had my first tarot card reading. Anybody here worship the devil? Yeah, tarot card readings are fun because sometimes you get tired of hearing about why you're sad from a licensed therapist, you know? Sometimes you need to hear it from a charismatic 19-year-old witch. Somebody with some real credibility. My girlfriend's into that stuff. She's into tarot. She's into astrology. I'm more realistic. I'm into things like professional wrestling.

I think I'm running out of time. I was talking to a lady recently. She told me skinny guys have big dicks. You guys ever heard that? That's how I found out. All right. Well, fuck me. All right. There you go. What was that joke going to be?

Hey. What was that joke going to be? Oh, we're at a wrestling match. She says, she leans over, she goes, hey, you know this shit is fake, right? I go, hey, you know astrology is fake. It ends with a line. She says... This was a long setup, dude. It was too much. Forget it, forget it. I don't even want to know. It's a good bit. No, no, no, it is. It was too long. I don't think it is. I don't think it is, yeah. I'll just... All right.

That's fair. How's it going? So welcome, Brent. First time on the show? Second. Okay. When was the other one? Like six months ago. Here? Yeah. Right. How did that go? About the same. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And you moved here since then or have you been here? Yeah, I've been here for eight months. Eight months. And what made you move here exactly? Comedy. Yeah. I did comedy for four years in Huntsville.

And then in Alabama and then moved here to further pursue it. It's been going better than it is right now. Right. Absolutely. I love it. Lady, this fucking bitch in the front, you are absolutely the worst. You have to stop making that noise. It's driving me absolutely fucking insane. Yay!

Are you cool? Can you not make that fuck? It's horrible. You got it? I don't care if you don't enjoy yourself for the rest of the night. You need to shut the fuck up. You're horrible. If you do it again, we're switching you out and you should know better. You come here all the time and you brought this fucking freak with you. It's so annoying. This is a live show. It's annoying. You guys are in the front. It's fucking horrible. You're so annoying.

You're terrible. It's so rare that I hate someone in the audience so much, but you have figured out a way to fucking penetrate everything that I hate about an audience. It's unbelievable. I know her, actually. Really? Yeah, she's friends with my friend Heath. Oh, Heath Cordis. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Heath lives on my couch. Heath lives on your couch? Yes. This is incredible. And you've seen her on the couch with Heath? Yeah. Wow. Actually. Okay. Boy, oh, boy. Yeah.

Truth comes out. Has this all been in the past three weeks when you got famous? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Right. She was never there before. No. And now here she is in the front row making a bunch of racket. Boy, you were quick to fucking figure out, huh? What a slut. Hell, yeah. Oh, yeah. Look at those fucking itty bitty titties right there. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Perfect size for Heath. That is true. That's a mouthful for Heath.

Okay. Just moving along smoothly here. Yeah, let's do it. I think we have her quieted down for the rest of the fucking night. It's going to be perfect. So that's awesome. Brent Reed, what do you do for a living? I work at the airport making pizzas. At the Austin airport? Yeah, Austin airport, baby. Salvation Pete. I shouldn't have said that. There you go. So via 313 you work at. It's at gate 11. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

We're committing now. Fuck it. That's a left turn from TSA though, right? Not a lot of people make it down there. Yeah, not a lot. Yeah, yeah. Left out of TSA. Oh yeah, I just had it. Oh yeah. Red Band buys an airplane ticket just to go there and then leaves. Takes it to go. I get a wheelchair. That's right. A real chair. I love it. So Brent, what do you do for fun around here? I,

I do a lot of comedy. I'm not doing a lot. I've been depressed and not doing a lot outside of comedy. I do comedy and go to work. When you say you're depressed, what exactly does that mean? What are your symptoms? Just being sad and playing video games all the time. How can you be sad when you have sweet little Heath Cordes on your couch? No, he's the best. He's the sweetest boy. Yeah. Man. Yeah. Yeah.

No, he's the best. You're right. He is a son. Getting home from work and having him. Yesterday, I got home from work, and he was on the couch. He goes, hey, a nice lady from Australia sent me a picture of her titties today. And I was like... I love the updates that I get from Heath. I was like, that is a nice lady. That's nice of her. It is amazing. Everyone's rooting for him tremendously. Heath is a monster. So where did... You met Heath in Alabama? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I met him in Alabama. We weren't close until a couple months ago. He stayed on my couch very...

to visit, and then he came and moved on our couch. We weren't close before that. He's only been 21 for like two seconds, so he wasn't allowed to get into a lot of the shows and stuff. Right. Amazing. But he would crush every time at like a coffee shop or whatever when I saw him. Yeah. He was great. Yeah. I love it. Do you guys write together? Do you guys hang out? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, we write together. We hang out. We smoke weed.

Touch buds. I love it. It's good. I love it. Have you taken advantage of having... Do people think like your father and son when you guys are hanging out? All the time. I think that our neighbors think I'm fucking them. They're from Alabama. Yeah. That's it. Father and son. We're not actually related. I'm not attracted to them. But yeah. Yeah, take advantage. What's your type? What are you attracted to? I like...

My cousin? Good one, sister. I like a... A lot of chatty, heckling women in the audience tonight. What's happening out there? What's going on? Oh, shit. Go ahead. You do your thing. No, it's okay. I think they'll get it. I think it's because you gave two a mic up here, so now everybody thinks they can do it. Cool glasses. If the women in the room behave themselves for the rest of the show...

I'll do an ad next week for equal pay. How about that? How does everyone feel about that? Is that good? Is that a deal? Fucking...

Steve-O. I was really waiting for your answer to the question of what you're into, because if you said you were gay, I would totally believe you. Yeah. Surprisingly not gay, I think I would do well if I was a gay man. Not a gay man. If I'm with a white woman, I like a pale lady with tattoos. But I was with my first Hispanic lady recently. That was fun. How did that go? Cool butt. Just the best butt.

Yeah. Wow, that's rare. Hispanic women, cool butts. No? Rare? No, it's usually square. Square butt. Nothing. Red band. Again, extra Red Bull or something before tonight's show. That's a lot of contributions tonight. Square butt white women jokes. SpongeBob SquarePants is what I usually call Mexican women. Oh, SpongeBob SquareButt. That's fun. That's good. Is skinny guys have big dicks? Is that a thing?

I heard that once and wrote a joke about it. Have you guys ever heard that? Skinny guys have big dicks? No? Got a yes here, got a mean no from over there. It must be a no because you would have said I have a big dick. Yeah. Well, the joke is we don't have to talk about it. It wasn't funny. Why don't you do the end of the fucking joke instead of the beginning, the middle, the middle, and the middle of it?

Skinny guys have big dicks. That's how I found out that I gotta gain some weight. I'm supposed to be fat. I didn't realize this whole time my skinny body was writing checks. My little wiener couldn't cash. There you go. See that end part? That end part. You don't need any of that fucking middle, dude. Yeah, yeah. Try it tomorrow night. Go to whatever fucking coffee shop you're headlining and fucking cut

all that shit out and see if it works. I should have done that first and just opened with that joke. I got nervous. I wasn't even planning on doing the part. I don't even know how you make that joke as long as you made it originally. It was a different joke, I think. I think I blended two together. I'm fucking up bad. It's okay. What do you think the white trashiest most Alabama thing about you is? My dad. Tell us more about this guy. I have a blue collar construction worker dad.

You know, which surprises people because I look like this. What did you get last time? A small joke book? Yeah, small. We're doing small again? Nope. All right. There he goes, everybody. Brent Reid, everyone. Fun times. We're going to keep it moving along. We got another bucket full coming. Make some noise for Nathan Daniel, everybody. Our next comedian is Nathan Daniel. Nathan Daniel.

Make some noise for Nathan, everybody. Come on. Wow, what a great night! Man, you know, it was tough for me growing up being a fat kid, you know? It wasn't really necessarily the name-calling or constantly getting picked on and all that. It was really hard to get kidnapped. And being in Florida, I was around theme parks. I lived a mile from Busch Gardens.

Not once did a car pull over. It sucked. But in high school, I got the name Chris Farley, you know? Because I was just fat, funny, and high on cocaine all the time. But don't worry, I really wasn't. I have ADHD, so I'm constantly just hyper, and I just used that as the excuse. But I did get a drug addiction, and I found out coke and meth put me to sleep. So that was a real problem. But you guys like dark humor? Yeah.

How much time do I got? You guys like dark jokes? All right, true fact, okay? All right, that's all we got. Okay, there you go. Nathan Daniel on a very special either gay or boring white guy episode of Kill Tony. And you're not gay. You know all about gay, right, Tony? There you go. We've already done all those jokes. You're 40 minutes late. My name just got pulled.

Okay, Nathan. Again, this is very, very good. Welcome to the show. Maybe take a breath, Nathan. Take a breath. You've been on this show before, correct? Yeah, yeah. How did that go for you? Horrible. Horrible. How do you think this one went compared to that one? Horrible. Right. It's pretty bad. Now, how do your other sets go? Here, I...

I haven't really been able to get sets here. How long have you been doing, not here, not here at the mothership. No, no, at Austin. Why have you not been able to do sets? Because I live all the way up in Waco. Okay. All right. That makes sense. Waco makes sense because your sets are indeed a house fire. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So what's the best joke you've ever written in your entire life? How long have you been trying stand-up?

I literally just started last year and I was 15 sets in Seattle and that was doing really well. And so I was like, I had a traumatic life scare. I was about to die. Tell us about that. Now I'm interested. Yeah. So four months ago, I was actually 320 pounds. I lost 120 pounds. How did you lose the weight?

Just literally just stopped eating, smoked a shitload of weed, and played video games. Okay. What was your ailment? What? What was the ailment? Fatty liver. Fatty liver. Is that from drinking a lot? No, I don't drink. That's the funny thing. It's just because I ate so unhealthy and I didn't drink water or anything. I was just like, fuck it.

Dota's got water, Gatorade, Powerade. It's good for you, right? Who does this sound like, RedBat? Well, I suggest Liquid IV. They have these new... Yeah, I just started doing Liquid IV since I've been listening to Kill Tony. Promo, Kill Tony. Oh, wow. Thank you. What a great ad read. I always like to get the least funny person to promote products on the show. Thank you. I do believe we just lost a sponsor. Thank you so much.

I'm sorry. I try to do what I can. But it's better than what we had on earlier, a lot of liquid HIV. Am I correct? Yeah. My goodness. Okay.

So here we are. You've been on this show before. What did we learn from the interviews on your last time? What were the most interesting things about you? Dude, I was so high that I was like, it looked like I was just bawling my eyes out. Were you kind of unbearable? Did I get rid of you pretty early? Probably, yeah. I'm going to do that again. I'm going to do that again right now. Did I give you a little joke book last time? Yeah. I did? All right, there you go. You already got one. There he goes. Nathan Daniel, everybody. Thank you.

Pulled a name. But you know what? Let's do something again. We're about to clean up this mess again. Before I saged the gay away, this time I'm saging the boring white guy away. Ladies and gentlemen, we have the return of one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. In fact...

I can honestly say right now that he was discovered on this show for America's Got Talent and he is indeed an AGT finalist. This is the return of the legend, Aaron Belisle everybody! The man, the myth, the legend, Toronto, Canada's own

Made it all the way through AGT to the finals, selling tickets. His life has completely changed. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for the great, the powerful, Aaron Belisle, everybody. I might be retarded, but I don't like rocks. Ha ha!

I collect straws. Just got back from Canada and I'm so glad to be here in Texas. The land of the free and the home of the plastic fucking straws. Breathe through this straw bitch. Because of my disability, I need a plastic straw to survive. But now the Canadian government is banning them. So I've been dehydrated since 2020. Look at my arm. It looks like someone put a watch on a piece of beef jerky.

Fuck yeah! Another new minute.

Plus Plus by Aaron Belisle. Now, I actually know for a fact this is true about you. You do drink every drink out of a straw, even if it's in a can, even if it's in a bottle. We've hung out. Actually, Aaron is one of my favorite people to hang out with, a little fun fact, in Austin, because I understand everything that he's saying because he just sits next to me and shows me shit, and then I laugh, and I'm like, fuck yeah, dude. It's like a friend that has subtitles. It's amazing. Yeah.

I don't have to say what. I know everything he's saying. He writes it. He kills. He's fun to hang out with. And you do drink everything out of a straw. How's life, Aaron? Tell us about whatever you want. Oh, here we go. I had to make cuts in my life. There was too much. So I sold my house in Canada. And now I'm a real Austin comic. Homeless.

Now, I guess I forgot to mention, that is indeed true. I signed some papers. I do believe Roseanne, Ron White, everybody signed papers. And indeed, how about this? Aaron Belisle is an American citizen, everybody. Took a while. It took a while. It took a while.

Those feisty Canadians have a real problem letting go of their few talented people, but we fucking got another one here.

Tony and RedBan have helped me more than anyone probably ever will. From Kill Tony I went to America's Got Talent to be a finalist and get my comedy visa and I won exactly what I wanted. I came to Kill Tony and asked for 30k and a green card and guess what? I'm getting that and I paid for it with money I earned through my content after Kill Tony and in return Tony only asked me for one thing. Tony was all like "Pick up my balls with your fucking hook hand."

What the fuck? That was retarded AI. I can't believe you recorded me asking for the one thing that I wanted. Oh, there's more? And I'm like, well, all right, but Red Band needs to hold me upside down like a cake stand. That is true, and it was worth it. I'm into weird shit. Hell yeah.

Aaron, what else is going on? What else is happening? The great, the powerful Aaron Belisle speaks through a phone, gets more laughs than most of the people do that have a fucking voice. America's Got Talent was great for the most part. It got me the visa I needed. I'm starting a tour. And best of all, I got a free psychiatrist when my audio got cut in the finals and they thought I might kill myself. AGT hooked that up.

Oh my God. That is so evil fucking. I guess the finale there was audio problems. Like he got fucked. He pretty much lost the whole thing because of audio problems with the sound people there at AGT. Unbelievable. That is absolutely... I have a gag order so I can't tell you whether I saw Howie's head or Simon's cock. Wow. I love it. There was a guy earlier that has a no gag order.

He didn't have a gag reflex. Aaron Belial cooking up something over there. Let's see what happens next. So America's Got Talent was a fun experience. For some reason, they tried to dress me in a green fucking pantsuit for the finals. I look like Ellen DeGeneres' retarded niece.

They do that, man. I'm telling you, TV is weird. They do weird things. It's all very bizarre. They try to make you look bad. If you don't do everything yourself, it's a weird fucking thing. I watched this ever since the first thing that I worked on, the first roast, the first show on Comedy Central. They do weird shit. They try to make people kind of look bad. Yeah? Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely.

You been getting any fucking pussy from all this action? What's going on over here? You fucking reverse finger blasting somebody or something? - Every night. - Yeah, absolutely. Okay, that's good. And you're living your dreams. Literally your first episode here, there was some jerk-off attorney in the front row, Harvard Law degree. That guy ended up doing nothing, right? Made a bunch of promises, strung you along for a while.

which stringing you along is an interesting thing to do since you're built like a puppet. Here we go. He was a fucking idiot. Worse than this girl. Yeah. It's crazy. He was sitting right there, right in fucking seat one center. It was just nothing worse than when there's just a complete asshole in the main seat there. Yeah. Did you and Steve-O plan to dress up together as lesbian lovers? Oh.

Oh, come on. Come on. We actually got dressed by the AGT people for this show. I love it. Aaron. Oh, he's got some. Look at this. He's cracking himself up over here. This is going to hurt my feelings. Here we go. I have to wait for it. This is the worst part. I have to set him up. Okay, Aaron. Anything else? I tried to buy it just to show you, but they said no.

Oh, they said you weren't allowed to buy it because they knew you were going to make fun of it. Oh, those assholes. Oh my God. It's amazing. It's amazing.

Howie is like the voice of reason on that show. I mean, it is wild. Everything else seems kind of like there's no real, you know, like comedy lovers. It's all like they just want to be mesmerized by goofy shit. And Howie is like the senior representative of comedy there. Did you guys... Howie was so, so, so, so supportive backstage, man.

Did you have to type each so or did you copy and paste that? So, so, so, so. I thought he short-circuited for a second. How he was so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so. Fuck yeah, dude. Steve-O, what do you think about the great Aaron Belisle here? You emanate joy, dude. Like, just the smile, it's great. It, uh...

And the way your mouth is so wide open all the time. Like, are you sure you're not gay? Sean D's playing music while Aaron types is definitely my new favorite thing ever.

Some typing music here. Hey, two, one, two, three, four. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, he's stopping him. He's got pockets full of straws, this motherfucker. Cancel. I have no gag reflex. Can I be in one of the Insane Clown Posse videos? Wait, what? Sure. Oh.

You're bringing your rap career back, right? That's right. I fucking started rapping again. I wrote this great song called I Love My Woman, But. Except one week a month, my girl is a cunt. Well, this got awkward. Fuck yeah.

Absolutely. Absolutely. You said you have no gag reflex. I must say that is so, so, so, so, so gay. The great Adrian Iapolucci is probably your first time seeing an Aaron Belial. What are your thoughts? I think I saw you yesterday. You had a dog with you, right? Where is he? Oh, shit. Look at the wheels turning here, folks. Oh, boy. Oh, geez. He's at home.

Okay, there you go. So you only need him sometimes. Oh, shit. Oh, boy. Oh, there he goes. I only bring him out for votes in TV. That makes sense. That's right. I love it. Very funny. I love it. He brings... Okay, there you go. Very good. Yeah, I can't do it.

I might look retarded, but I'm smart. I don't know exactly what's wrong with you. Am I allowed to ask? Cerebral palsy that has affected his voice box. Oh, okay. Got it. So what's the dog for? Just the votes. Are you asking him or the guy that brought an actual dog out to the show tonight? You fucking idiot.

What is this guy, bussing tables? Dude, get out of here. Come on, bro. We could do that later. This is a fucking taping, dude. Save it for the stand-up shows, bro. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the Mothership? We're constantly evolving the show as we go. Doing as little work as possible. Yeah, we're going to contain her to the backs. This guy's going to grab her purse. See how quickly that happens? Yeah, it's fucking magical. That's how that works. Very sly. Almost nobody noticed whatsoever. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. Yeah. You should try and pet that girl. I have the dog for peanut butter tricks and stuff, and he gets me beer and bitches. That is true. Absolutely. Aaron, we absolutely love you. How long are you in town for? Oh, hell yeah. It seems like for the rest of eternity is the answer here. Wednesday, I start my tour. Okay. Okay.

And then what about the 30th and 31st of December? Are you going to be around? Do you want to do an arena show? There you go. Okay, perfect. Baby Boy's first arena. But most importantly, more importantly than that, Red Band? Check out his website for his tour dates. He's traveling all over around the United States. That is true. AaronBelisle.com

Oh, shit. I'm going to be at Tacoma and Spokane Comedy Club Thanksgiving weekend. Hell yeah. After the show, I'll be teaching people how to read. And in December, you can find me in Hawaii handing out plastic straws to turtles. In January, I'm going to be in Florida. After my shows, I'll be doing my new job, helping fishermen get their nets back onto the boat. Find tickets at newcomedian.com. Okay. Awesome. Fuck yeah. Aaron Belisle, everybody. There he goes. Thank you.

The return of Aaron Belisle ramping up to his first ever set in an arena, everybody. All right, back to the bucket we go. I know this next comedian, a very, very, very talented local comedian here in Austin, Texas. Make some noise. This is a brand new minute from the very funny Colton Dowling, everybody. Colton Dowling is back on Kill Tony.

Oh, I love you too, but mostly men. Sorry, another gay guy. I am, no, it's fine. You're gay too. And no, it's fine. I am what you call have to be sober. I liked Bud Light and cocaine too much. I liked Bud Light, but I loved cocaine, you know, used to do a lot. Not a lot, just enough to drive home safely, you know.

But I know I used to love buying into the little bags that already come in. I put the straw right in there, right? And I'd call it Capri Sunning because I'm fun and I'm from the 90s, guys. Yeah, no, I used to love doing cocaine around my dad, though, because they would make his politics make a little bit more sense. I'm like, yeah, poor people would have more money if they had more money to add.

Business ideas and such and such. You know, I'm socially liberal when it comes to cocaine. I like to do a liberal amount of cocaine. But I am fiscally conservative when it comes to cocaine. I'm like, who the fuck is going to pay for all this cocaine, you guys? Where's it in the budget, you guys? Mexico's going to pay for this cocaine. Building!

Oh, snort it all. Do, do, do, do, do. Okay. Thank you, guys. Fuck yes. Colton Cowling. Very, very, very punchy set. Lots of jokes in there. I fucking love it. Thank you. That is the Austin flex right there. A lot of jokes in one minute. A lot of punchlines. I fucking love it.

Absolutely incredible. It brought the energy of cocaine to a set, guys. It's like painting, but with words. It was just incredible to hear a gay guy talk about something other than being gay or their skin color. It is hard. You can get it every single day. When it's on the table, anal...

I love it. So let's talk about this, Colton. So when did you stop doing cocaine? About two years ago, yeah. I had to go to rehab. They locked me up. It was pretty fun. How long were you in rehab for? 40 days. So 40 days, and they put you in there with a bunch of other people that are trying to stay off stuff. What's that like? Yeah.

It's fine, but the meth heads are a whole different level of like they need to be there. Yeah. You know, because they're on Suboxone. They'll be like picking up rocks and like trying to paint them. I think Cam's one of those people. Sorry. It's a dumb. Okay. No, we like it though. Yeah. Yeah. There was one girl that was just in there for being sad. Yeah.

Oh, shit. I was like, bitch, do drugs. Yeah, that's incredible. Do something, you know. Yeah, at least do the drugs. Get sad afterwards. It's like, what did you try? Did you try anything or were you just sad? She was in rehab for sadness. Did she get better? She made me sad, so I stopped talking to her. Yeah. Yeah.

Amazing. Colton, do you have any tricks? Do you still drink at all? I am on my first relapse. When did that start? I went on a month-long honeymoon to Europe.

And I wasn't going to be sober in Europe. You know, they have good wine and awful people. So you drink around them. So you got married? Yes. Nice. Two years married to a swamp man from Louisiana. I love it. Absolutely. Sugar cane fields. Talks fucking stupid, but we like him, you know? Yeah. And how's that going? He's moving to Minneapolis. Yeah.

So you guys are separating? He's going to go for a little bit. But I grew up, my dad was in the army, so if somebody just leaves for a little bit, they'll come back, probably. Yeah, totally. Yeah.

Yeah, gay guys never cheat on each other at all. Oh, no, we cheat on each other now. Oh, okay. Awesome. So you guys kind of have like an open gay marriage. It's an open but very gay marriage, yeah. We both cook, can you imagine? Wow, that actually sounds lovely. That's amazing. Just have a couple dudes hanging out, cooking and butt fucking. Yeah. Yeah.

Sounds like fun. It is fun. We also wear boots sometimes. Whoa. Boots only? Just the boots? Yeah, so that we can knock them, you know. Okay. That's just a traditional in us, though, you know. Got to keep marriage traditional by knocking boots. He knows what I'm talking about. Hell yeah. This guy can't even make eye contact with you. This guy's such a real Texan. He's just like... Yeah. He won't look at my eyes, but he will look at my dick. It's crazy. Yeah.

You can tell the homophobic people never look at the gay guys. D Madness doesn't look to your direction once. Look at this. It's absolutely incredible. D cannot believe it. Can you believe this, D? Three gay men tonight. We're going to get you a napkin to dab your forehead when you say it.

Colton, what else has been going on? I like your style, man. You've always done good, but this set was incredible. You're seeing what's been almost three years of you being here in Austin, right? Yeah. The key is not doing coke. It really helps you remember your jokes. Yeah.

I don't know. I have fun. We got a podcast called Some of This Is Bad. You would hate it. Who's got a podcast? You and your husband? Me and Dylan Carlino. I think you know Dylan. You know Dylan. Everybody knows Dylan. You know Dylan. You guys know Dylan? Colton, relax. You got really gay there for a second. Jesus Christ.

So what do you guys talk about? What's your podcast about? It's just gay sex. You guys would hate it. Okay, there you go. Absolutely. It's fun. We got a dog. We're doing fun things. I don't have any skills. Got a gaydar. I don't have anything. I came unprepared other than jokes. You know what? That's all that fucking matters. A very strong minute, Colton. Very much fun. Here's some Zippix toothpicks to hold you over during your

And if you're around Thursday, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. I'd love that. You ever get one of these before, Colton? Do you already have one of these? I have not. If you haven't, here you go. There you go. Absolutely. And you get a gel blaster, too. Thank you.

Colton Dowling with a real minute of comedy. How about that? It's amazing what can happen here on Kill Tony. Oh, I didn't even fucking talk to you guys. I'm sorry about that. I jumped right over our esteem panel. All right, your next bucket pool, a minute uninterrupted from Jason Fern, everybody. Jason Fern. I do believe this is a Kill Tony debut right here. I don't know if you can tell by looking at me, but I grew up poor.

Like so poor at off-brand monopoly. Do you know how broke you have to be for your fake money to be fake? Three weeks out of high school, I joined the military. I was a sensor operator on an MQ-1 predator drone. Then after the military, I worked for Subway. Both mascots are predators. On the way here, I got in a car wreck. Thanks.

Called up insurance, and it turns out that Nationwide is on Frank's side. I'll wrap it up there. Jason Fern, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the show, Jason. This is your first time, correct? Yes, sir. I can tell. I haven't seen you before. Hi. Hello. You're like, clothes and your hair, everything's kind of like wrinkly and fucked up. I'm working 58 hours, Tony. Okay, what do you do? I'm an iron worker. Okay. Yep. All right, so you're...

For a guy with a wrinkly shirt, you think you wouldn't be in the iron business, but kind of interesting. Kind of interesting. Have you ever thought about using one of the many irons that you work with? Only when I'm going on a hot date, Tony.

What? Only when I'm going on a hot date. Whoa, okay. When's the last time you were on a hot date? Last Monday. Okay. Who'd you go on a hot date with? Some random chick on Bumble. Okay. And where'd you go? What did you do exactly? Shakespeare's. Wow. Big evening over at Shakespeare's, the club next to the club where we contain everybody. Was it...

During an episode of Kill Tony? Yes, sir. So you killed two birds with one stone. Goddamn right. You went on a date, and how did that go? It went well. She went back to my place, had some fun, you know? What kind of fun did you have? She was on birth control, so... Whoa, look at that. Oh, my goodness gracious. Just...

Just busting loads inside of women that you just met. Yes, sir. Absolutely. Very good. Very good. When did she tell you she was on birth control? I asked twice, once before, once after, and I texted to confirm after. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Plan A, Plan B, and Plan B. All right. Fucking amazing. Absolutely. Steve-O, what do you think about all this? She asked after.

That's awesome. Yeah. You sure, right? Did you see her take it? The IUD, so... You saw it? Yeah, felt it. Hell yeah. So you're a skinny guy. Yeah. Fucking Steve-O. Absolutely. Yes, sir.

Yep. Work in the old pipe and iron industry. Look at you. So what exactly do you do? Do you know the famous photo of the guys sitting on the beam in New York City? That's my job. Okay. The thing that climbs columns and Joe Rogan freaks out about. Right. Yeah. Steve-o shit. Yeah. I could die one day. Yeah. But you're like latched on something, right? Yeah, safety. Yeah. Yeah.

You seem like an unsafe guy. A little bit, Tony. You ever have any close calls? You ever forget to latch yourself or whatever? No, I always latch off, but I did go in the hole. I mean, it's falling off the building. That was a fun... Wow. When you went in the hole, did you come inside of it, too? Yeah.

All right. Okay. Wow. Red Band forcing a fart noise into that. For those of you keeping track of Red Band's immaturity, that made no sense whatsoever there. He does get to hit the fart board once an episode, and he did it during a come inside of a hole joke. That was a fart sound effect. For those of you that are...

have the dumbest sense of humor is congratulations. You must be laughing your ass off right now at the fart noise inside of a cream pie joke, everybody. All right. Jason, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? I'm a pilot. What? Pilot license. Okay. What are you flying? Just single engine Cessnas. Okay. Very good. How often do you do that? That was back in college and I haven't flown since. So, yeah. A long time ago.

For a guy with fake Monopoly money growing up so poor, going to college and flying planes. The GI Bill helped with that. I liked your jokes. Thank you. I thought that for the first time I killed Tony, that was absolutely fucking fantastic. Thank you, Siva. Adrian, any thoughts on this guy? What do you think about him? I can tell you're in the military. Yeah.

You seem like you're ready to kill yourself. I love hard work.

What's the craziest thing you saw when you were in the military? I was stationed a little bit north of Vegas and I saw some lights in the sky. That's all I can probably say. Just some normal lights? Some trippy, fast-moving... I can't. You can't talk about it? I wouldn't assume so on a very live podcast. Okay, my buddy Kyle, the UFO conspiracy theorist, is hard as a rock right now.

That is incredible. I fucking knew it, dude. I fucking knew it, bro. You hear how he fucking stopped himself, dude? I'm going to hear it tonight. All right, Jason, anything else crazy about you that we should know about your life or history or anything? Your first time on Kill Tony, your entire life is on the table right now. Anything can happen. I fell out of a two-story window when I was 15 months old.

That's cool. Oh my goodness. How did that happen? Was Eric Clapton babysitting you? Two story window at 15 months and you survived that shit. That is fucking incredible. How does that happen? Who's watching you? My older brothers. Wow.

Wow. Yeah, I got up on the couch. The screen was open. It was Texas, Nacogdoches. Shit gets hot out here. Screen was cracked, and apparently I looked through, landed.

Concrete. Steve-O's coming up with ideas for his next special. I was just thinking that in car crashes, they say that drunk people and babies do best. Yeah. And that sort of checks out. Yeah. It's true. There was a very, very famous plane crash. I can't remember what it was called, but 200, I think, some people, a ballpark around there, died in some little fucking...

No, that was a different one, I think. Lockerbie. I thought that was a bombing. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, could be. But anyway, yeah, a little baby survived from fucking an obnoxious height.

That's like you. Yeah. You're like that baby. You think you suffered any brain damage from that fall? Oh, definitely. Yeah. Do you remember it at all? No, right? 15 months now. Do your brothers remember it? I don't know. I don't ask them. It's weird that happened to you as a kid and now you do that for a job, though. That's kind of weird. It's like you're not afraid of heights or something. Nope. All right. This is a big joke book, my friend. Congratulations. Thank you.

Here's some Zippix energy toothpicks. Zip more, smoke less. There you go. Yeah, Stevo. I want to know, are you going to see that girl again? No, she gave terrible head, Stevo. Whoa. Damn, terrible head. Incredible. What an analysis. You would think that a girl that would let you come inside of her on the first hang would get a second date.

I can't imagine how terrible that blow job must have been. Yeah, well, once this comes out, dude, who won't he be able to get? Make some noise for your next bucket full. Bill Carroll, everybody. Bill Carroll. Here he is, everybody. Make some noise one more time for Bill Carroll, everyone. All right, right, right. What's up, y'all? How's everyone doing?

What's up, Steve-o? Yeah, so I lose stuff all the time. I lose my wallet, my keys. I'm the kind of guy who's got his passport out with him when he goes to the bar. I recently bought an AirTag for my girlfriend's clitoris. Caught it running errands last time we were having sex. It's hanging out with its friend, the G-Spot, who I haven't met yet. The other day, I saw a sign. I was driving. I saw a sign. It said, Free Palestine.

Read the sign "Free Palestine." I didn't even know it was for sale. Not bad. Hey, I'm a cisgender male. I'm getting tired of being a cisgender male. So I'm changing my gender to "g-male." And my pronouns are "send" and "receive." If you don't accept me for who I am, I will archive you.

- Yeah, last up. Is that the sound? - Yeah. - Okay, cool. - Is that the sound? - Thank you, thanks y'all. - Yes, it is indeed the sound. Phil Carroll, I do believe this is your first time on the show, correct? - Yeah, first time doing standup. - Wow, congratulations. There it is, the goat of the first time. Phil Carroll, one of the surviving members of the Murdoch family. Congratulations. Unbelievable, look at you, you doofy normal white guy.

Look at you, just plain as it gets. Just a fucking normal old white guy. Absolutely. Parents are still together? No, sir. Really? When did they break up? My senior year of college. Okay, yeah, that's pretty late. That kind of explains it. The younger you are when your parents break up normally makes you funnier.

Yeah, sorry about that. Yeah, no, it's okay. But it is your first time. I liked your set. You put an air tag on the clitoris, but you seem like you would never be able to find that. My guess is that the air tag is on the belly button of the girl that you were talking about. Yeah, I think it's out of battery. Uh-huh. Yep. Okay. Okay.

Bill, how old are you? 31. 31 years old. That is incredible. You are very young looking. You drink a lot of water, don't you? Yes, sir. You drink tons. Tell us how much water. Tell the audience how much water you drink. Like a liter or two a day. Definitely one of the most interesting things about you is your water intake. I can tell already it is absolutely incredible. What else is a normal day for a guy like you look like? You eat oatmeal for breakfast? You eat the same breakfast every day?

No, I work at a factory. Oh, what kind of factory is it? We manufacture space parts, like rockets and things like that. Fuck. All right. For the Challenger or what exactly?

- The what? - Nothing. - Sorry. - No reason you should know what a challenger reference is. School is in session. So how long have you been doing that? - Two years, but yeah. - What was that sound by the way? - It was for school. - What did you do? But that wasn't what happened. That was like a magical thing. - Oh, what was that? 'Cause one of the teachers was in the, it was a challenger joke. - Oh boy.

But I kind of heard like a "bring, boof" like that. No? Maybe it was, maybe Dee's hit a key or something like that. Okay, over here buddy. Stop looking at Dee Madness. He's trying to fucking read Dee Madness' lips over here.

So Bill Carroll, what's interesting about you? Tell us something. You seem like a real fucking normie. I think I present normie. I think behind closed doors maybe. I like this. Let's hear about closed doors Bill Carroll. How many of you want to hear about closed doors Bill Carroll? Yeah.

Let's hear about the wild side of a mild man. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, I think some of my coworkers are maybe watching this. Oh, boy. I mean, I hope nobody sees this. Hey, whoa, look out. I'm not getting in a hot tub for a while. Whoa. I got to tell you, I have a pretty wild life behind closed doors, Tony. Once those doors close, I chug extra water. Yes.

Tell us about your wild side, Bill Carroll. I think the stand-up part's kind of odd. I think I'm thinking about, I have like 10 years working, and I'm thinking about just quitting probably. But it's very ill-advised. What's your plan to do if you quit? You know, it's just like a, there isn't a plan. I think that's the thing. I think I'm at my wit's end and thinking. I'll tell you what, Tony. I am on my wit's end.

This factory job has me by the balls. I'm telling you, we're taking a walk on the wild side with Bill Carroll here. - I do jujitsu and comedy basically, so yeah. - 'Cause the YouTube will copyright strike us, just play what he's playing. Okay. Okay, again, this is the wild side of Bill Carroll. This is a segment we've never done before.

Completely improvised in the moment. Tell us more about the wild side of Bill Carroll. Come on, really, really just share with us the honest truth. Behind closed doors, what goes on? Sometimes I sleep for 12 hours a night. Whoa, 12 hours of sleep a night. Whoa. Wild, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, give us a little bit more. We want more. Who wants more wild, huh? Oh, my goodness. We got a liter of water and 12 hours of sleep so far.

You can't even make it out. I don't think I've heard of anything less wild. But let's go. The wild side of Bill Carroll. Come on, Bill. You got this in you. Sometimes I'll stick a finger in a girl. Whoa. A solitary finger.

Whoa, I nailed it. Okay. I accidentally guessed the next wildest thing. All right, come on. Let's go one level wilder, Bill. Oh, he's struggling here. 12 hours of sleep, he starts scratching his head. Here we go. Come on, Bill. Wildest thing you've ever done in your life. The music is getting louder and louder, Bill. I got nothing. I want to give you guys something. I got nothing. All right, all right. Stop the music. Stop the music. Stop the music. Stop the music.

Come on, Bill. There must be something wild about you. Come on, Bill. Think about it. You can do it, man. He's trying to take suggestions from the audience now. This has turned into a Price is Right episode. Have you ever gotten a... Adrian, what do you think about this? I feel like lacrosse player. Yeah. Lacrosse adjacent. My friends played lacrosse. I played soccer. Oh. But you guys all raped the same girls. Oh.

Yes. Yes. Are you in a relationship? Yes, sir. Whoa. Tell us about it. Her name is Selena. Whoa. That sounds wild for you. See, that would have been the wildest thing about you. Yeah, I should have mentioned that. We accidentally found that out. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah.

But I'm guessing, believe it or not, and that's what I was thinking too, so here we go. I'm going to take a wild guess here, and I'm going to guess that she's not actually Latina, but that she is a white girl named Selena. Am I correct? Nice. No, actually. She is Latina. She, um, well, she... No sense there. She claims she's half Asian, half white, uh,

This is actually not a joke. Her dad's name is Rico Suarez. I might have the last name wrong. I swear to God. But she's Filipino and in Los Angeles it just kind of blends in. You don't know if this is... It's crazy. It's unreal. Well, if his set didn't end the relationship... Absolutely incredible. Have you ever done anything other than missionary position with her?

Ever. Actually, I rarely do the missionary. It's too much for me. What do you mean? Everybody stop. Do not hit a fucking button for a second. Just get your stupid hand off of the fucking board. Wait, what is too much? The eye contact? The eye contact is intense. I think it's the thrusting part that I don't like. Is anyone with me? I feel like...

Wait. Yeah. I get it, dude. It's a lot of fucking work, man. Yeah. That is so funny, dude. This is like your brand. You're like in it, dude. This is like you. Like you would never would have talked about that on stage, right? Well, yeah. I don't think enough people are talking about this. You might be the first. Right? Like...

That's hilarious. You have a little something in you there. Thank you. There's a little fucking glimpse. So, no missionary.

What's your go-to? I try missionary. I do a couple of the things for good measure. Hold on a second. I'm about to die from the inside out. Not even of laughter. I'm just going to faint or something. Like someone that's on one of those rides at a festival. I'm just going to fucking...

Die right now. Internal combustion is on the table right now. Because this is, what are the things that you try if missionary is too extreme? My guess is like, my guess is like through a glory hole or something like that.

Yeah, there's a sheet involved. Orthodox Jewish approach. Oh my goodness. Absolutely incredible. So what are the things that you actually try? Let's just keep covering the truth here because truth is funnier than fiction with you, my friend. That's what we're finding out. There's no joke. I'm slowly falling in love with this guy.

You're amazing. It's getting good. You're getting more comfortable up here and sharing the truth. So what are the things that you try that are not missionary? Because missionary is too extreme. Eye contact, overload. What's the longest you've ever lasted? Seven, eight, nine seconds? The missionary, I really don't... I think you count thrusts. I won't do more than... Like, more than seven, and I'm, like, kind of, like... Right. You know? I'm, like, pinching myself, you know, trying to distract myself. But then...

This is true. The average... I'm sorry, Selena. Is she here? No, no, no. She comes tonight at 5 a.m. And she had no idea I was doing this. Wow, she's going to come for the first time ever. That's incredible. Wow. She comes at 5 a.m., you come at 5.01. That's incredible. She's taking a red eye.

Indeed. From Los Angeles. Yes, sir. You're going to pick her up? Yeah, I got an alarm set. Wow. You're goddamn right. I'm going to drink a liter of water and get as many hours of sleep as I can. I want to be well rested for this before I get my Chevy Wagoneer and go pick her up. Wait, I have a question. Do those pants have elastic? No.

Yes. Oh, wow. Is the zipper also too extreme? The zipper, strangely, I don't know who decided this, but it's like a... Oh, he just came, everybody. He just came, everyone. He came in his pants. He touched his own zipper and busted a nut.

It's like a stunt zipper, though. Have you seen this? It's a fake zipper. There's no zipper there. Who needs that? So you just pull down the whole thing. Yeah, below the butt. Wow, that's incredible. Oh, you don't even pee missionary position. Looking at the urinal is too extreme. He pees sitting down, everybody. Absolutely incredible. Absolutely fucking amazing. You are the mild child.

Bill Carroll. Even your name. Even your fucking name. Need a stage name, maybe. Is your stage name? If you have any. Why? It's bland. How about old basic Bill? Maybe. I like him too. Red Band just said, I like him. He's great. No, all right.

It is true. He is very green. You are very green. Is this something that you've always wanted to do, stand-up comedy? How did you end up here? Yeah, yeah, actually. I think it's something in denial about a little bit because the parents would not like this at all. So I did... I ran for president of my high school and used the whole spiel as a...

I'm sorry. I used the whole spiel as a stand-up bit. So it was like 800 students and just did this whole joke of a speech. What did you do there? What was the funniest part of your speech? For real? It's not funny. It's not going to work tonight. But if you guys want to hear it...

Nothing that you thought was going to be funny tonight worked. And the stuff that I brought out of you worked. So maybe this will work. Just give us a little tidbit. The idea was, I was like, hey, listen, I'm not going to be like these other candidates. No, not me. I'm going to really shake things up around here.

That's why I'm installing vibrating desks in all the classrooms. Thank you. There you go. You were right. The stuff that wasn't supposed to be funny was funny, and your funny parts weren't funny. Intuition is shot. I like what happened here tonight, Bill. I like this. This was a rock-solid first appearance. Everything from the... It got better and better as it went on.

And you have a thing. You have a thing that sets you apart. There were a lot of fucking, a lot of boring white guys up on this stage tonight. And for a first timer, you actually have a thing. You're not like anybody else. I think you keep writing. This is something you want to do? Yes, sir. Right. Okay. Keep signing up, dude. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. Hell yeah. You like going to arenas? Yes.

Because there's tickets for sale for the first show. Very few tickets left for December 30th. They're definitely going to sell out. I don't even need to promote it, but they are for sale. I think they start at like $55, $65 a ticket. Bring Selena along with you. Great, yes. All right, you know what? And by the way, since it was your first time and I liked your interview, I'm going to give you a big joke book. Why don't you start writing? Thank you. Get your shit together. There's the mild child, Bill Carroll, everybody. Thank you.

Wow. The missionary position being too extreme might be one of my favorite things of the entire night. That guy's accidentally funny.

Alright, I'll tell you who's not a mild child, and that's one of the wildest children that have ever come onto the show, from the show. Living Kill Tony Hall of Fame member. You know him, you love him. I could go on and on. The Tijuana Tarantula, the St. Louis Suffocator, the Memphis Strangler.

the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the great and powerful William Montgomery, everybody. Thank you.

What's the difference between a skinhead neo-Nazi and a free Palestine activist? I was going to say shampoo preference, but I'm pretty sure neither party uses it.

So I shazammed a song at the coffee shop yesterday that started off kind of good and then come to find out it was Harry Styles. Red Band looks like the kind of guy who bets parlays on eSports. Hey, Red Band, what's over under on the number of Elder Scrolls I can stuff up my asshole? Two, okay.

Donald Trump's sister Marianne is dead at 86. In a surprising twist, she had to help Donald get into college. In an unsurprising twist, she was pumped for Apex when getting nominated for a 24 Grammy Award. She loved Apex when he's playing at her funeral Friday in Manhattan. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. William Montgomery. Hell yeah.

Is that true? They got nominated for a Grammy? Yes, Aphex Twent is nominated for his second ever Grammy. I'm super pumped. He and I, actually, Tony, since I've been talking about him a lot, we're actually in communication now. We've gotten to be buddies. Aphex Twent and I have gotten to be buddies.

So yeah, he's taking me to the Grammys. I'm super pumped. I'm going to be at the 2024 Grammys with Apex Twin. Wow, this is huge. It's insane, yeah. You're going to walk the red carpet with Apex Twin. I am. He loves the jokes I tell about him. We've gotten to be really good friends over the past six months, I would say. Not a lot of people know that, but yeah, Apex Twin and I are very dear friends now, so pretty pumped about all that. Absolutely incredible. Fresh off of a multi-millionaire

million dollar deal with Dude Wipes. How's that going? It's very exciting. My life has changed. I installed a escalator at my house. So things are looking up. I was getting tired of taking the stairs. They asked if I... Are you sure not an elevator? And I said, no, I want an escalator. They're saying...

They're telling me it's $250,000. I'm saying I don't give a fuck. I'm not taking the stairs. I'm scared of elevators. Install an escalator. So I have an escalator installed at my house, Tony. So I want to thank you for that. That is absolutely incredible. That is amazing. I happen to know for a fact that you live in a one-bedroom apartment. So...

That is one story. And so the fact that you bought a $250,000 escalator is fucking just a frivolous spending of money. It's to get up to my apartment. Oh, that is true. It is on the second floor. You got me. Yep. Touche. Yeah, it's for my apartment. As they say.

Okay. Yeah, very exciting. I go under the knife tomorrow. I have surgery tomorrow. Explain to us more about what you're doing under the knife. Who's even laughing at that? It's very true. It's very... I'm very scared. Yeah, they're cutting off more skin cancer off of my face, so I have to go...

Under the Knife tomorrow. They're saying it's a 50-50 shot of surviving the treatment tomorrow. So if this is it, Tony, I've had a wonderful time. I'm excited. Steve-O, Miss Pellucci, Lala Pellucci, it's so nice you've been here as well. It's probably my last. I love your stuff, Miss Lala Pellucci, but...

It's nice y'all can be here, share the stage with me on potentially my last night ever on Kill Tony again. It's a 50-50 shot. Wow, and that's tomorrow. It's tomorrow at 2.30. 2.30, and there's a 50-50 chance of survival? Correct, that I might not even make it. I have a weird blood type, so it's because of my blood type. If something happens and I lose blood, they don't have any of that blood type here in Austin. So it is going to be the end of the line for me, Tony. What is the blood type that you are?

It's like a A, it's like a AC. HIV. HIV. Whoa, HIV Red Band says. What are your thoughts about Red Band? Well, what my thoughts are about Red Band is I texted you something at 1.30 today, you fucking idiot, and you never responded. You always respond to my text messages, Red Band. I was legitimately pissed. Two hours before he wakes up.

1.30 p.m. You have to wait until about 3.45. Maybe that was it. Yeah, he's a lazy fucking piece of shit. So that's probably the reason. And you look as worse as ever tonight. What are you drinking? Diet Coke. Diet Coke. I'm sure. How much whiskey is in that, dude? Your drinking is out of control these days. You have to fucking stop. Wow, I'm sorry. What did you text him and ask him? Yeah. That's a great question. What did you text him? Yeah, see how that goes.

Wait, what? Nothing. Actually, when I texted him, it's kind of, I was. You're going to die. Ooh. That's a good. Just say it. Yeah. Cameron, stay in your lane. Cameron, please stay in your lane. Wait, what does that mean? You think I'm black? What is your name? Cameron Lollapaloochee, what is your name? Yeah, that's it. Okay, that's it.

William, what are you doing? I don't know. I mean, she's saying something. I'm going under the fucking knife tomorrow, bitch. I don't need this weird. It doesn't matter. It's none of your concern what I texted Red Band. I want to know, William. Yes, none of my kids. It's none of... William, I want to know. Stop looking at Adrian Iapolucci like that. Look at me. Look at me. Look up here. William. Yeah. William. Sometimes William misbehaves with the guests. Is he actually mad? Is he actually mad? No, no. This is it. Oh, my God.

That's so funny you say you said all night bitch my god William William stop it William stop no, it's like a pitbull. He's normally very well-behaved very good I can die tomorrow At the wrong blood type

This is one of the rare times that I forgot to warn the new guest about William Montgomery. This is normally... It just installed an escalator in my apartment, man! And

It was 300,000. It wasn't even 250. It was 300,000. A little fun fact that I never talk about is I always give every guest the same very quick. It's a 30-second speech. Here's a little behind-the-scenes kill Tony for you people. I give the guests the same speech. You guys remember back there when I go, there's one thing I'm forgetting. I can't fucking remember what it is. It's always, we never interrupt the 60 seconds. If you look at me and you seem like you have something, I'll set you up.

I ask the questions. Don't feel like you need to ask the questions. And the one thing I forgot is, William's fucking crazy. And I literally forgot that tonight. I'm sorry, Adrian. I take that. No, that's... He's nuts. It's totally okay. He's gonna die. So...

I'm going to remember this scene tomorrow as I'm dying. Just everybody laughing at the fucking... What a nightmare I'm in right now. Oh, my God. Come on. You really think your heart's going to stop tomorrow? They're giving me a 50-50 shot. You think your heart's going to stop tomorrow? I don't think my heart's ever going to stop! William!

Lights Out Montgomery has done it again. An absolute fucking shooting star. Tour dates available everywhere. The cameo's blowing up. Dude wipes endorsement. Absolute... What's the name of the company? What's the company that makes the basic shit?

Kirkland. Kirkland's signature. Kirkland's looking up. Adidas. I'm back with Adidas. I'm talking with Nike as well. I'm going to be one of the first people to ever be sponsored by Adidas and Nike at the same time. That's true. Adidas, Nike. I'm talking with Reebok too. I mean, I might try to make it three. Wow.

Wow, that would be crazy if they all agreed to sign you tomorrow while you're dying. That would be amazing, wouldn't it? Oh, we hear that's the Grim Reaper has arrived. Grim Reaper, right? But yeah, I'll be in Rosemont, Illinois, middle of December, so... Maybe. Maybe, she said. What did you say? I said maybe, you might die. No.

There is nothing funnier to end a chaotic fucking interview than... By the way, I'm going to be at the Zanies by the Chicago airport. The Rosemont Zanies. Nothing... Close to nothing. Close to nothing.

I'll be there. Yeah, laugh it up. That's where I'm going to be. Trust me, I didn't want to go, but they're making me. What are the dates that you're at the Rosemont Zanies? I think 16th and 15th, 16th. The 15th, 16th, and what? What?

I think it's just sad. Of what? November? December.

Oh my God. You know what's so funny about that? I used to do that fucking gig and they would always book me in the fucking middle of December. I mean, it is the absolutely... You have never had a more cold, bitter gig than Rosemond Zaney's in the middle of December. It is amazing. It's one of those things. And you know what? It's fucking great because it goes to show that you're on some fucking trajectory. You have to...

Don't clap it, Dad. Don't fucking clap it, Dad. What the fuck? My point is, I've done Rosemond Zanies in the middle of December, and you should be hoping for death tomorrow. How loud can this place get for the legend, William? Thank you.

The drawing is in from Ryan J. Ebell. While everybody else sat there, he drew tonight's episode. That's Steve-O and Adrian Iapolucci. Check out Steve-O's new special, Bucket List, the worldwide digital premiere tomorrow, the 14th of November. If you're listening to this on the podcast, it's already out, so check it out right now. Let him see the fucking Kill Tony bump in real action on this beautiful Monday night. And how about one more time for Steve-O, everybody? Woo!

And... And...

How about one more time for the Kill Tony panel debut of Adrienne Iapolucci, everybody. The Comedy Cellar, December 3rd and 4th, taping a huge special, The Dark Queen of New York, Catcher on the Road with Ari Shaffir and Louis C.K. and a lot of your favorite comedians. Thank you to Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, Connect, Bova Health, NinjaBuses.com, and Hull Law Firm, Sub 70s Golf Clubs,

How about one more hand for the amazing staff here at the Mothership? Mercedes is back. The team is in full effect. How about a hand for local artist Chris Rogers with his drawing of Uh-Oh. Wow, that's about to be worth a lot more money tomorrow night. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deamer on the horns.

Madness on bass guitar, Matt Muehling on the electric, John Neese on the keys, and the great return, as always, of royalty, Jetski Jesse Johnson, ladies and gentlemen. Guys, check out my comedy club, The Sunset Strip, here in Austin, Texas, sunsetstripatx.com. We love you guys so much. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

So much fun! It was amazing! It was so great! So great! Perfect! Couldn't have gone any better that whole day! Because it's like a reveal! And I really do say bye to William!

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