#636 - RON WHITE + PAULY SHORE
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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. All our merch can be found for Kill Tony at KillMerch.com. Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.

And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called The Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Kill Tony Band, and the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at sunsetstripatx.com. And now a brand new episode of Kill Tony. ♪ music playing ♪

This is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock! Fuck yeah! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Hey! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Hey!

We're doing it again. It's the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Connect Mobile Health. Get yourself an IV drip when in Austin, Texas.

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Powerful Paul Deemer on the horns, the great Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, the leader of the band John Bees right behind me since the OG days original band member. He found all these guys including the great and powerful Dee Madness right here on the bass guitar.

Very, very exciting stuff. We have a lot to get through tonight. Very action-packed episode. Before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. ♪♪

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You know, the thing is becoming quite its own monster, and I book it out every single week myself based on what you guys have seen lately and what's to come, and I love this episode. These are two absolute veterans of the show, and I mean elder statesmen to the extreme, two of the lords of comedy, two of the all-time greats. Make some noise for Ron White and Pauly Shore. Oh, shit.

The great Ron White! The weasel, Pauly Shore! Oh yeah! Come on in! Come on in! Ron White, Pauly come over here! Pauly Shore, Ron White!

Now, a little fun fact about this amazing esteemed panel is that the great Ron White is the reason why we are all here tonight in Austin, Texas. He started it. He started it. He got Joe here. He got me here. We told everybody else. The rest is history. And the newest resident of Austin, Texas is Pauly Chore. We got another one.

Just got engaged to Drew Barrymore last week.

Breaking news. Drew Barrymore's fiance, Pauly Shore. He's got his new Jam in the Van show hosted by Pauly Shore on YouTube. And it is a hit. I just took some fucking ayahuasca, bro. I need a fucking bucket, dude. You have a fucking bucket, bro? Right in front of you, man. Don't worry about these people. Keep on the names. Most of them are already covered in vomit.

And the great Ron White is back, ladies and gentlemen. He's back on tour. Tatersalad.com. This motherfucker threw a retirement party six months ago. Yeah, what happened? I thought you quit. He threw a retirement party and now he's back on tour. He never stopped working at all. He was working in Austin the entire time. We just threw... I might have a retirement party next week.

Well, just a nod to the mothership. I was just sick of all the travel, man, after 37 years of doing 120 to 140 cities a year. And I hated that so much. I was letting that bleed into stand-up comedy. I just wanted to do it anymore. And when I told Joe that, he was like, fuck you. I'm going to build a club, and we're going to do it every night, and it's going to be a blast, and you're going to find out how much you love it again.

And so the last nine or ten months I've spent performing for the best audiences in the country, which are my friends right here in Austin, Texas, where I live.

What makes you like this particular venue? What makes you like this particular... Oh, okay. You can catch Pauly hosting his new show on YouTube called Jam in the Van. There's a little taste of it right there. Pauly as a host. I wish I already knew the answer. I would just say it. What makes the best... The best... Why do you like this the best venue? For real.

Well, because of, well, there's a few things. Number one, there's two rooms. You can say the word what? There's two rooms. There's a small room in the back and there's a green room upstairs, which is kind of a highly restricted hang. And it's the funnest thing in the world to sit in there and you can come in and do four sets a night if you want to.

But the hang there of just the peers and the tribal part of it is just throwing around ideas for jokes and talking about the business of stand-up comedy and also the future and the past of it and recognizing what's happened before we got here and also putting tons of work into new guys, finding those people that are giving them a microphone. And nobody's done more for that than this young man right here, Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, yeah. Putting a microphone in the hand. And we're doing it tonight.

And he's right. Two rooms. We got Mitzi's named after Pauly's mom. Yeah, can I say something? You don't have to ask if you can say something, Pauly. I don't want to disrespect because I'm moving here, bro. After this performance, they might tell me to dispatch and not come back. No, but for real, the reason why I particularly want to move here to Austin because as a stand-up comic, it is the only club in America where you can actually create your stuff on stage online.

110% without thinking anything behind you is going to happen because as you know this day and age people film shit they put out here for Joe he created such a beautiful thing for everybody so I want to come here and just create comedy and that's what the best part about this place is absolutely in other words phones are locked up you did so much better with that sentence than you did the first one you rocked that sentence man you did

They're the best tenants ever. Yeah, well, it's the venue. The venue is the best venue. What do you think about that?

Well, luckily, you guys have been on this show multiple times, Pauly and Ron, and over 200 human souls signed up for the chance to be on this stage tonight. Absolutely anything can happen. Can I say just one more thing without disrupting? You don't have to ask if you can. It's getting kind of crazy because it's been twice. At this pace, you're going to do this 75 times tonight because you've done it twice in the first four minutes. No, his show started at my mom's club 10 years ago in the Bell.

No one was fucking there. No one was there. No one was around. And he developed it. And it's pretty fucking awesome. So I've known him when he first came out to the comedy store where he was answering phones and looking for like pennies and shit. I was. And dimes. I was looking for pennies. Just to make ends meet. Yeah. No, but...

You got the cat. The cat is 60 seconds, Paulie. Oh, shit. I didn't know. It's a little bit long for him. I thought it was a bull. All right. A bull sound. Anyway, so I pull a name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Which just interrupts them. And then I interview them and I ask them questions. And if you guys have anything that you want to input or any wise sage advice from two of the all-time greats, you guys know how it works, though. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode or what? Yeah.

Here we go, and we shall start it with a bang, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to pre-pull the person that will follow one of our favorite regulars in the history of the show. This guy fresh off of a weekend of sold-out theaters with me. Lots of momentum. Make some noise for the great and powerful Hans Kim, everybody. Hey, what's up, guys?

Sad to hear that the great Matthew Perry died alone in a hot tub. You know, for a guy on a show called Friends, he could have used a couple. Who knew the opening credits were his cry for help?

I recently ghosted a girl because she was too sunburned. Yeah, she got left on read. Women are crazy. We all know this. Women are always into murder documentaries. They like to watch people losing their life.

Men, we're more positive. We like to watch people creating life. Thank you. Hell yeah. Thank you, man.

Welcome again, Hans. Thank you, Tony. That was fun. How do you feel? I feel great. I had a great weekend with you guys. I enjoyed our time together. I think William might have a drinking problem, but other than that, it was great. What do you mean? He likes to drink a lot, and then he pees in little bottles. There's a bathroom right there. He just loves peeing in bottles.

Did he pee in a bottle? He tried to. Wait, what do you mean? When we were in the car going to Sacramento. When I stopped him? You stopped him, yeah. No, yeah, I heard that, yeah. They were way... I was in the front and they were way, way, way in the back of the Sprinter van. I heard William say to Hans, well, what was it exactly? He was like, can I pour some of this in there? Yeah. You were like...

It was only like an hour and a half drive. That's the crazy part. Everybody's afraid. A fun fact is that everyone that tours with me is afraid to say that they have to go pee because I always say that it slows us up. I'm a real fucking piece of shit on the road. Nightmare to deal with. I don't pee. Why are you peeing if I'm not peeing and I'm like the main guy?

Red band as well. Oh, yeah. He's a non-peer. Yeah, I could not pee for like 12 hours. Exactly. It's the podcast way. Welcome to the business. Looks like you've not been peeing for six years. You... What? You're saying the red band's filled with piss? Jesus. Hans. Well, you know he likes yellow things. Whoa. A reference to his Asian girlfriend. That's right.

He's got an Asian girlfriend and he's got a white girlfriend. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. We swap out once in a while, but...

Okay. All right. Jesus Christ. Hans, when you started dating your white girlfriend, was that after you became famous? Yes, of course. And what happened before you were famous? I was sad and lonely. That is true. And who made you famous? Tony Hinchcliffe. That is correct. Okay. All right.

So the left on red thing was a joke. The Matthew Perry friends thing was good. Thank you. Very good. And then, what is it? Women watch murdered... Documentaries and men watch porn. Okay. Do you still watch porn? I watch a lot of it. You do? Yes. You watch it alone? Alone, by myself, with my dick in my hand. Wow, okay, yeah. What's your favorite type of porn? Probably tickling or spanking or...

What's your icon when it says search? What do you search for? I search for Japanese massage shrimp aphrodisiac. Absolutely. Absolutely. I love it, Hans.

Business is a booming for Hans Kim. You have more stuff coming up, right? More dates? I'm in Tacoma next week, which will already be over. But Spokane coming up and then other places. It's on my website. Go check it out. What's your website? BobbyLee.com Jesus, Hans.

So before we were, when we were upstairs, I asked him if he brought his girlfriend to the Warfield show this weekend and you said what? I said no. Because Tony said what? He said not cool, dude. But then Tacoma what? Tacoma, yes. What are you asking him? What are you doing? I ask the questions, you sit back and hit it. What did I say? Hit what?

Hit the button when it goes meow, meow. No, no. Meow. Oh, the bear, right? Again, Pauly's show, which you guys can be some of the first viewers of, I'm sure. It's the Jam in the Van show, hosted by Pauly Shore. You have anything on YouTube you can watch. Why not watch Pauly again? The Jam in the Van show. He's...

I love you, Pauly. I'm just kidding. Don't be sad. No, we're good. All right, good. It's fucking Monday night. We're at Kill Tony in motherfucking Austin, Texas. Yeah. We got still a couple tickets left for the stadium show over the January 1st. Who's we? Who is we, Pauly?

Hans, anything else you want to say? Any more input? I was talking to my British friend and he kept talking about Peter Files. They're not that bad, Peter Files. And I was like, who's Peter Files? And he's like, oh, it's pedophiles. Oh, wow. That's like your left on red joke right there. Wow. What's happening? Hans is getting a little fucking corny without these challenges and shit. Are you ready for Rick Diaz on New Year's Eve? Yes, I'm ready for Rick.

Fuck Rick. Fuck Rick. The biggest battle in Kill Tony history. Hans Kim versus Rick Diaz live on New Year's Eve. Hans, you did it again. You got us started. We got to get to this bucket. Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Here goes Hans Kim, everybody.

I'm gonna pre-pull your second comedian. And your first comedian out of the bucket tonight. You guys probably know how this goes, but we know Hans Kim. Anything can happen at this part. This is where we find new talent. This is where we find no talent right now. Could be anything. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Tony Siciliano. Tony Siciliano. There he is. There he is.

Tony Siciliano. - Hey, what's up, Austin? My full name is Anthony Vincent Siciliano, which is just a long way to say Guido. I'm fully aware that I look like a douche bag. I look like I have a bumper sticker that says Beast Mode, and I still talk about my high school baseball stats.

I love working out, just not at Planet Fitness, you know? Because they give away free pizza on Mondays. That's like the opposite of what I'm trying to do, right? That's like if I went to church on Sunday and did a bump of Coke with my priest on the way out. Are you guys aware of all these awareness months? Like, you know, women's, you know, health, cancer, all these things, right? Do you guys know September is National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month? Me either, right? Did the obese children have a say in this? Because as an alumni of childhood obesity...

I was aware I was fat every month. I was trying to fly under the radar, right? The metaphorical radar, of course, right? Like, if it was a real radar, they'd be like, what's that fat kid doing under the radar? That's my time. Thank you guys so much. Yes. Tony Siciliano. Welcome to the show, Tony. How are you? I'm great. How are you doing, man? Fantastic. Did that jacket come with your name? Yeah.

And the crucifix and wife beater. I love it. Absolutely. So Tony, where do you live? So I'm from Florida. Visiting Austin, yeah. Okay. How long have you been... Yes, the sweet sound of Florida music, everybody.

All right. So how long are you visiting for? So this is my fifth week in Austin. Uh-huh. 0 for 5 so far. So this is the first night I've got on. This is great. You've signed up every week is what you're saying. Well, except for the weeks we weren't here. But yes, basically, yeah. He looks familiar to me, actually. Yeah? Like I've seen him before, yeah. Yeah? Where have you seen him? I'll tell you where. Where have you seen him? He was at a Palestine rally in Washington last night. You're fucking a liar. That's not how you speak, you cocksucker. Yeah.

These guys are all coming up with new Italian names now. Exactly. Three weeks ago, he was Muhammad. Now he's Tony Siciliano. Hey, what's up?

Hey, it's me, Tony. Hey, I need a good fake Italian name. How about first one? Tony Siciliano. You think that's too much? No, no. Sounds totally normal. My middle name is Vincent, and that's the most stereotypical fucking shit, right? It's like my parents put names in a bucket, and we're just like, yep, these are the ones, right? Yeah. That was awful. That was fucking great. Yeah. It's like it's short for Guido or something. There we go. Awesome.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Almost three years now. And what do you do for a living in Florida? Air-conditioned repair? You hate the job? I just started a new job, like a new business. Okay, what was the old job that you're afraid to mention? Software sales. Oh, what a dork. Yeah, exactly. Okay, what's the new job? I'm selling, like, political shirts for the election coming up. Okay, can you pitch some of the shirts? Yeah, yeah, so I... You are a douche. Ha ha ha!

Yeah. So it's called Right Shirt Official. It's just a shirt, a red shirt with white letters that says right on it.

I have another business. Yeah. Let's just keep going through all your bad business ideas. Those are terrible. That's called Left Shirt Official, and it's blue shirts with white letters that say left. So I'm just trying to capitalize on this game right now. Yeah. Capitalize on the game. Absolutely. Are they selling at all? Nope. I have zero sales so far. Yeah, but it's a dream. It's doing almost as good as comedy. Right. Right.

Right. What's your love life like, Tony Siciliano? I have a girlfriend. Okay. How long you been with her? A little over two years. Okay. What does she do? She's also in the software industry. Oh, okay. She takes care of customers after we have them, basically. I sell them. She takes care of them. Right. Yeah.

All right. One cool fact about her, she's from Ukraine, actually. She was born there. Okay. Why is that a fucking fun fact? It's been an interesting fact. Do you get a male or women order bride type situation? Yeah, yeah. Because I've seen on the internet you can get Ukrainian women for very cheap, I'm just saying. And they're hot as fuck. It was a good deal. She moved here when she was nine, actually. She's ten now. But it's fine.

Oh, you son of a bitch. Look, you snuck one in there. You snuck one in there. Can I say something about him? Say it, baby. What podcast are you used to doing? Hey, Joe, can I say something? Like, what are you talking about? Chinese. Fucking say it. Chinese, I think you're likable. Okay. You think I'm likable? I'll do Chinese and that you're likable. I look Chinese.

No, I just think you're likable. Oh, thanks. So you have that going for you. So that's good. Thanks, Paul. I appreciate it. I like you too. All right. Easy breezy. Is that a rubber ducky? Okay. So Tony, do you have any special skills or talents? I'm really good at ordering food for the table at an Italian restaurant. Okay. That's something I'm good at. That's easy. Yeah. Yeah. I like to travel a lot. So I'm good at doing. Uh-huh.

You live with the Ukrainian girl? I do. Do you have a hard time getting your own space? Does she hold strong and not let you... Do you have to negotiate? Isn't that like a woman thing? You get like 20% of the center of the bed.

I've been trying to blow my way through that space, but it's not going well. You blew pretty hard tonight, my friend. Is she mad about the Israeli-Palestinian war because it's got first billing now over the Ukrainian-Russian war? Yeah. She's the undercard now.

The main event is much more exciting. Ukrainian doesn't have an iron dome or anything like that. They just fucking take the missiles straight to the heart. Just fucking no defense whatsoever. Just tinfoil up there. All right, well. Tony Siciliano. I still can't believe how Italian your name is. What's your dad's name? Peter. Peter Siciliano. Peter Siciliano.

Angelo Middle. Does that help a little bit? Okay. What kind of penis are we working with? Italians are famous for... No bad reviews. So there we go. Well, yeah, but a little tiny Ukrainian pussy. I mean, that's like no challenge. Is it an innie or an outie?

After I cold plunge, it's an innie, but mostly it's an outie. But you have foreskin on it? No, no. It's been circumcised. I didn't know that was innie or outie, but yeah, no, it's an outie. I'm snipped. Yeah, yeah. That's a Catholic thing. I think they do that at a church or something. There you go. As they should. Yeah. Yeah.

It's the way to do it. Thank you, Dad. Thank you, Peter. Yeah, Peter. So when your girl goes down on it, she doesn't have to fold it down, right? Okay, Pauly. Pauly, I don't think you need too many more follow-up questions for the circumcised thing.

Is it coming out tonight? So it's like, let me ask you one more. There's like extra skin. Or no, extra skin. Are you circumcised, Pauly? Do we have to explain this to you? No, yeah, Pauly had the, they do the whole rabbi suck off thing with you, right? You guys get the rabbi suck off? I don't know. I'm not Jewish anymore. I got, what's it called when you get converted? I'm deconverted. Yeah. We had to, we told them, if you want to move to Texas. They sewed it back on? Yeah.

This show doesn't need me. There he is. Hey, I thought you came out and did a solid job. That's got to be nerve-fucking-racking to walk on this stage in front of this crowd of people. But you did it. You stared them down. You held the mic in the right spot. You've been doing it three years, so I'd say you're moving along at a pace.

pretty decent play. Not easy to follow Hans Kim. You're leaving here with a gel blaster and a big Kill Tony joke book. Tony Siciliano, everybody. Getting the show started. All right. We got another bucket pool coming at you. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Micah Brown, everybody. Micah Brown is next on Kill Tony. Here's Micah Brown, the Kill Tony debut, I do believe, of Micah Brown. What's up, guys?

I know I look like Rasputin and Mr. Rogers had a baby, dude. But I've been thinking about becoming a vegetarian. I thought of the perfect loophole to become a vegetarian. Anything can be a vegetable if you hit it in the head hard enough. So on my way here, guys...

I got mugged by a single father, dude. Nothing is more intimidating when a gun's in your face when the gunman's also holding a baby, dude. You know for a fact, this guy's not shooting blanks, dude. All right, hell yeah. Micah Brown. Welcome to the show, Micah. When I first saw you, I'm like, what's up with this Rasputin Mr. Rogers guy? And then you said that.

So, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Talk right into the tip of that microphone. You're not on the streets anymore. So how long have you been doing stand-up? I started in 2018. 2018, okay. So you've been doing it about five years. Yeah. Right. Where'd you start at? Dallas. Dallas. And by the looks of things, you were around a barrel fire and you started making your friends laugh? Yeah.

Pretty much. You look unbelievably homeless. I mean, that specifically, like that jacket. It's almost like, and I see it's a Patagonia. Like, it probably had a little price tag on it and whatnot. But I mean, my God, you ordered like the... I stole it. I stole it. You stole it from Patagonia? Yeah. You steal a lot?

Are you homeless? Because I kind of focused on the jacket, but I completely missed your face and head. I mean, you have a complete homeless head. The jacket comes in second place to your extremely homeless head. You also have a homeless left arm, it seems. Oh, it works. Okay, it was just...

The way that it was hanging there, it appeared to be homeless as well. But I think if he had an extreme makeover and cut his hair and put him in a nice suit and tie, I think he'd be beautiful looking. I clean up. I clean up. When I have a girlfriend or something, I clean up. Pauly Shore has an anti-homeless filter in his head. He can see who would be better not homeless. Are you homeless?

I've slept in my truck and I live with my mom, so almost. Slept in your truck and you live with your mom, so you pull the truck into the garage and then, how does that work? My mom lives in Mansfield, so when I'm in Austin. Is it Charles Manson field? Because of what you look like? Yeah. All right. So what's your mom like? She's wonderful. She has a lot of dudes coming in and out of there?

Not since I showed up, you know? Since who? Since I showed up. Right. Cockblock McGee over here. I get that. What kind of truck are you sleeping in? F-150? It's a Tahoe. Ooh, okay. It's like driving around a...

You know, a one-bedroom apartment. Yeah, if you sleep in it, yeah, I guess any car is a one-bedroom apartment if you sleep in it. A lot of people on this stage have slept in their car before, isn't it? That is true. So there's nothing wrong with that. I haven't been one of them. No. That is true. Well, it's not over yet, Paul Ian. I don't know. God bless you.

It's beautiful. Oh, my God. I would just like to say this. To walk out on stage and ask this crowd, who's already been in front of several comics and an amazing fucking band...

"How you doing?" It's kind of a death move because the first line was pretty good. If you'd have just walked straight to that microphone and stared him down and with confidence just said that first joke. The second joke was great. I don't even remember what it was, but yeah, the vegetable one, that was a great joke. The vegetable one, you should open with that fucking joke. Yeah. Yeah. But just stare him down. You don't need to ask him any questions about themselves. "How are you doing?" You're going to do that joke anyway.

So just walk out, stare them down, do the joke. And, you know, five years, seems like you'd know that, but... Thank you. You know...

Right? You figure that out. But still, you know, I think that if you just take that little piece of advice and run with it, you'll do fine and have a good time. Thank you so much. Great advice. Get to it. No needless questions. Why don't we give him one more try just to pretend we didn't see that part? No. No, Paul. And let him open with the vegetable choke. I'm going to run the whole thing and then you can do your stuff on the Jam in the Van show on

On YouTube, everybody. Hosted by Pauly Shore. Where anything Pauly wants to happen can happen. The possibilities are endless. Do you have a pigeon chest?

Yes, I do. How do you know? Whoa, how did you know that? He just like put his hand over his eyes and was like, do you have a pigeon chest? What kind of crazy talent is that? Because I saw that his chest is concave, bro. It goes in? Yeah. It's got an inning. Hey, man, you're paying too much attention to me. Yeah, that's weird. You want to see me with my shirt off? Yes, please. I thought you'd never ask. What?

Well, I mean, we might as well now. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay, we've done this before. Lay down on your back. I'm going to see how many tries it takes me to make a little joke book inside of your chest. This is a little fun game I like to play. I never get to shoot things inside of people's chests, so, you know, win in Rome. All right, here we go. Looks like you were shot with a cannonball, dude. Right in the chest. Oh! Two! Two! Two!

Not easy. Not easy. I'll take one of those back. I'll let you hold on to that one. Grab that microphone again. You ever get a girl back to your Tahoe? Absolutely not. Really? I could never tell my mom about that. Because you kind of seem like you could, like a drunk girl, it seems like you could probably confuse them into thinking you're hot.

- Yeah. - 'Cause you're kind of-- - I have before. - You look like you're either extremely poor or extremely rich. It could go either way, depending on where you are. - I'll tell you later. - Okey-dokey. All right, well, you got a little joke book. We're gonna keep it moving along. There goes Micah Brown, everybody. The Kill Tony debut of Micah Brown. All right.

We got a lot of bucket holes to get through tonight, but let's do something special right now. The young man that I'm about to bring to the stage is an absolute fucking monster, everybody. I mean, started in June, took the show over by storm. Immediately on his first scheduled appearance on this show went super viral with his famous, I'm not retarded, but I like rocks.

I present to you one of the great regulars of the history of the show, the great Cam Patterson, everybody. Y'all believe in soulmates? I believe in soulmates, man. I believe in it, but what would y'all do if y'all soulmate was ugly? 'Cause my soulmate, she got like a great heart, nigga.

Her heart wound with the best heart I ever seen in my life, but her eyes too far apart. I was fucking with Sif Mice Edge for two years. Nobody told me shit, you know what I'm saying? I was doing a show one time, right after the guy, I said, "Hey man, what would you do if your soul mate was ugly?" And he was like, "I would just cut my eyes out." That's true love. I just cheated the whole time.

Absolutely incredible. Love it. All the way. Beautiful. You did it again. Come on, man. How's it going, Cam? Good, man. I'm fucking... Life is great. You feel me? Oh, yeah. I can't even ask for nothing better. I'm just so happy. Absolutely. I'm happy as shit, man. Absolutely. Rocking the extra comfortable look tonight. Sweatpants, slides. Come on, now. We outside, man. Same shit every day. We grinding. You feel me? Yep. We grinding. We grinding.

We grindin'. Yeah, you get it. White man talk to me. Oh, hell yeah. Look at how white that guy is. He went for the fist bump afterwards and everything. The old fuckin' beaver paws over there. Look at you. You got excited. You see his nose? Oh, yeah. His nose. Why your nose so crooked, nigga? That shit crazy. Hell yeah. I'd imagine he's probably gotten punched in it from seeing how he high-fives. Probably scares some people.

Hell yeah. Look at that fucking dork. It's amazing. You know how to spot him. You always have a good white eye. Oh, he white as fuck. Yeah. That's probably an instinctual thing. You guys are like on the lookout for the whiter people, right? Your daddy on a boat for sure. Oh, yeah. Does your dad own a boat? For sure. He does. Oh, my God. It's unbelievable. Unbelievable. Yeah.

He's got it. The kid has got it. He doesn't like boats. Probably high as fuck, man. Ayahuasca was a bad idea.

So Cam, you're killing it. Where were you at this weekend? Chicago I did, Chicago I did. How'd that go? Man, that shit was crazy, bro. Yeah, Hannibal Buress came to the show, and he did some time after me, so we talked for like a little minute, you know what I'm saying? It was crazy. I mean, it was dope as fuck, bro. I love it. Did you tuck your necklace in when you were down there? Oh, nah, nah, nah. I was at the comic club the whole time. I won't go around no street, nigga. They can do it, they can do it, you know what I'm saying? Good.

I'm a comedian, I don't do no street shit, I don't stay far away from it, you feel what I'm saying? Very good. I does comedy. Tony, we should do a time lapse of Cam every week to see how big his necklace grows. Oh, that bitch finna grow now. Hey, haha. Can I get money too? No, this bitch getting bigger, best believe that. I'm finna get me a bigger one soon, I swear to God I am. My mom bought me this, this is all she could afford. I'm finna buy me a, ooh.

Yo, you fit and have beautiful skin, bro. Thank you, man. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? He said he fit and have some beautiful skin. He what? Probably just see my aura right now. He don't even see a person no more. Wait, you have a normal chest?

Two nipples. Can we see your body, bro? Take your shirt off. Ladies, you want to see a sexy body? Yo, Chinese, he just started black.com. What's up? Oh, shit. You want me to strip up here and shit? This is crazy. No, I'm not going to let Cam do that. I ain't stripping for the white man, Pauly. That's fucked up, though. We in Texas now, nigga. It's not California, no boo. Yeah. Yeah.

That's how you get jobs in LA. Take your shirt off. You wanna be on the Jam in the Van show? What's your favorite thing about the venue? Oh, shit.

Cam, everything else is good in life? You're a star. Yeah, everything else is good. Man, my dad still go with me everywhere we go. You know what I'm saying? It's cool to be able to do the road with him. You know, my dad like 97, so it's good to get on the road with him. He what? He's not 97. I just like saying he old. He's 64, so it's good for him to be like...

But it's cool that he gets to call me and see what's going on. He's the only person that believes in it in the beginning. So, they tend to be on the road every week. It's kind of dope for me. Your dad's cool as hell. Yeah, yeah. I talk to him on the phone once a week. Oh, yeah. Having Cam under my wing, it's the first time I've had like a, it's basically like having an elite college athlete. Like his dad calls. He's like, all right, so we got this offer for this show. What do you think we should do here? This agent, this manager, this, I just get constant. It's like, I'm part, part,

I'm part of the fathership. Every time he call you, he go be like, fuck it, I'm just gonna ask Tony, fuck you, nigga. I'm just gonna call Tony, fuck you. Tony don't know what the fuck going on, bitch. Tony don't know how to answer. So now that you're famous, you have siblings? I got siblings. I got four of them.

I've been had them, I've already had them before. I had them before people knew who I was. So you have some family members that you didn't get along with before now that you're famous, now they're on your dick or what? Oh, no, I got a lot of family members that I just didn't know a lot that always come around now. Now they're coming around? Yeah, but I mean, that's what happens, you know what I'm saying? Shit start popping out. They be like, hey nigga, let me borrow $30 or something. You know what I'm saying? That's how it starts. It starts with 30. Yeah, now that...

Let me get $30,000, bitch. You got it, nigga. So let me ask you this, because since Hans Kim made it and all of a sudden he's dating a white girl, are you made it now you're dating a white chick? Nah, nah, yeah. They still kind of scare me, but I fuck them for sure. You know what I mean? I fuck them for sure. Smart. No settling down for a while, Cam. Don't put yourself through that. If your heart tells you that you really like somebody, your heart is wrong. Just keep...

- Just keep waving at him. You're 24? - 24, yeah. - He's beautiful. - This is scary. First he was like, "Take your shirt off, now you beautiful, nigga." I love it. Cam, you're a star, we love you, you did it again. Another new minute from Cam Patterson.

Tough act to follow. Yeah. The man, the myth, the legend. One more time for Cam Patterson, everybody. All right. Very exciting stuff. Your next...

bucket pool is on the inside in inside this room so if one of you signed up you have a chance right now make some noise for Evan Lightnacker everybody Evan Lightnacker. We got Ivan out there? Ivan is coming. Evan Lightnacker we having fun out there huh?

How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? You guys are evil. Here's Evan Lightnacker, everybody. One more time for Evan, everybody. This is fucking crazy. So I live in a small town in northern Michigan, and I happen to go to the grocery store like five times a week. I'm always going to the grocery store. I never know what I want to eat.

So the other day I was at the grocery store and I was fucking high as shit. And I'm walking around, I'm like in the freezer section, and I hear, "Evan, please come to customer service." I'm like... I'm thinking, "Fuckin' my pockets?" I'm like, "Did I steal something? What am I doing?" So I go up to customer service. I go, "Hey, what's up?" And they're like, "What's going on?" "Well, you guys just called me to come up here."

And the guy looks down at his name tag and looks up to me and his name tag says Evan. I'm just like, oh, Jesus fucking Christ. So I was that high. Thank you. Thank you. That's wild, dude. That's a relief. That's fucking crazy. Oh, my God. I'm so glad that's over, man. Oh, I got so uncomfortable the whole time that was going on. I felt bad for you and your lack of preparation and...

This was like your first guess, right? And it was a horrible guess that that might be the way to go about doing this. Dude. It was terrifying. It was terrifying. I bet it was. I bet it was. Yeah, it was terrifying. What? Up here? Or at the grocery store? No, being at the grocery store. And they said, Evan, come to customer service. Evan, do you know that that's like a normal thing? Like you told like a normal story that could happen to anybody on any given day?

Like if I was at a grocery store and somebody said, Tony, come to the front, I would assume they were talking about Tony Siciliano from earlier tonight. Like, I mean, it's not that big of a deal. It's a very small town. So I just assumed, oh, well, you know, I know some of the greeters. I know the customer service people. Evan, come to the counter. I'm just like... But you didn't know Evan. You didn't know the Evan that worked there. You're correct. You're correct. You know everybody. It's such a small town. What was the funny part?

I don't know. Even if all those things are true, what was supposed to be funny? What made you pick that story? I don't know. I'm freaking out because Ron Wright's right here. I can't imagine the jokes that you didn't do in lieu of that. One time I was driving and my check engine light came on. I went to the oil change place and they said I needed an oil change. They changed my oil. And the guy's name was Evan.

Yeah. You suck, dude. I know. No, I'm kidding. So that's your first time ever doing stand-up, correct? Wait, what was that? Wait, wait, wait. I was going to say, of course, then I just said, yeah. Oh, okay. I got to tell you, I like you, though. Thank you. I do. I like you, too. I've liked you since, you know, I was, I don't know, probably 12 years old.

Oh, man. Now I feel horrible about all the shit I said. And for what I was thinking right now. I grew up with you. I went and saw you with my dad in Kansas City at the Midland Theater. That's bad parenting. Yeah. It was fantastic. Thank you. So, Evan, you're in northern Michigan. What made you sign up tonight? What made you want to do this?

So I've been a fan for, I've been listening for, I mean, probably 10 years. Right. We saw you guys in Lawrence, Kansas. Gotcha. But what made you want to do this show? I don't know. Yeah, what you just did. I'm just such a big fucking fan. Right. You're such a big fan. When did you think that you were going to, did you come to Austin knowing that you were going to sign up? So my best friend who was in my wedding, he's right out there.

Yeah. His girlfriend got him tickets for us to come to here. Okay. Yeah. Where's the wedding? In Texas? No, not... No, no, no. Jesus Christ. I think... What are you, writing new bits up here right now? I'm sorry.

Okay. No, so my best friend from growing up, he lives in Montana, and his girlfriend got tickets for us to come here for his birthday. Today's his birthday. Right. Okay. Did he sign up? Yeah, he did. He did? What's his name? Spencer Ryan. Spencer Ryan, come up here. It's your birthday. You're getting married. Let's see what happens here.

Spencer Ryan. You stay right there, you son of a bitch. I'm staying right here. Put the mic in the mic stand. And Pauly doesn't think you're very good looking. Yeah. Does he get one of these at least or no? Well, I'll decide when that happens. He gets a half of one. A half of one, bro. All right. Here he is. Making his Kill Tony debut. The birthday boy. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Let's see what he prepared here tonight. One more time for... What's his name again? Evan. Evan.

Spencer. Spencer. Spencer, everybody. They dress exactly the fucking same, dude. All right. It's awesome. Here he is, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Spencer, everybody. Here we go. So I was looking at a recipe for traditional German coleslaw the other day. It had bacon in it. And I thought, damn, that's an interesting way to tell the Jews they're not welcome at your barbecue. So like...

Maybe Hitler went a little too far. He could have just made all the German food way more delicious, and they kind of would have left. Like, oh, maybe you'd feel more comfortable at another barbecue. Maybe in Hollywood or New York, far from here, please leave. That's what I came up with. 57 seconds. We see who wears the funny pants in this friendship.

Oh my goodness. Wow. Absolutely incredible. So Spencer, welcome to the show. Talk right into the tip of that microphone. Okay. How's it going? Pretty nervous. Yeah. Dream come true. That was your first time on stage too. Yeah. And it went really well for you. I like to think so, yeah. Most importantly, it went really- You're fucking murdered, dude. Yeah. You're fucking murdered. You came up there and fucking murdered. Thank you. Thank you.

After your friend drank a cup of his own warm sperm up here. Yeah, it's absolutely incredible. I knew it was going to go that way. Oh, you did? What are you, a fucking psychic? Yeah. Well, then you should have known that your 60 seconds was going to go that way, too, and written something different. So, Spencer, what do you do for a living?

I'm a brewer and a volunteer firefighter. Hell yeah, look at you, an American hero, everybody. Jesus Christ. That first responder shows up with booze. Wow. Is that firefighting, huh? Volunteer firefighting. So what kind of things do you do? Is that where you found your friend? Did someone say that a pussy was stuck in a tree?

No, we've been friends forever, but no, we do a lot of stuff. There's car wrecks and house fires and all that kind of stuff. You know that a lot of the firefighters are going to Israel right now? Did you know that? Pass on that. Yeah. I don't know if you heard his material, but I don't think he's going to fight for Israel. Yeah.

He said pass before I even fucking said the word Israel. Wow. I don't think I'm fucking moving to Austin. Fuck this place. I'm going back to California where it canters and shit, dude. These guys are from Michigan, so you're getting married? Yeah.

No, I was his best man at his wedding. Oh. Yeah, fucking Evan can't explain anything. You look like a couple, kind of, don't you? A little bit? I live in Montana now. This was a trip to meet each other somewhere other than where we live. Shut up, Evan. I'm over you. I'm talking to Spencer now. Spencer's the guy out of the two of you. So, Spencer, here you are. How long have you been in Austin? Four days. And how much longer do you have here?

We're leaving tomorrow morning. Okay, leaving tomorrow morning. So this was it. This was your big Kill Tony trip. Here you guys both are on the stage. And you guys came together, just the two of you? Our girlfriends are here. Did your girlfriends sign up? No. Oh, okay. Wife and girlfriend, yeah. Oh, Evan corrected him to say wife and girlfriend, everybody. You don't want to get in trouble. What a pussy you are, dude. It is unbelievable. It is just incredible.

What do you think his chest looks like underneath all that pollen? What's going on in Montana, bro? Yeah, good question. Yeah, what's going on? It's cold and snowy. Same thing as Austin, getting a lot of people just moving in. From California? Yeah, Washington, California. There's no comedy clubs in Montana. I tried to book myself up there. No, but there's a couple open mics, but I've never even thought about going to one. Ever been to Montana?

It's a state. Well, Montana has, what's the biggest city there? Billings. Billings and Bozeman now is having a scene. Are there any black people there?

Not many, no. Oh, dude. Not cool. Every time I've ever visited him... Uh-oh, uh-oh. Here comes the senior hilarious correspondent stepping in. He's got something for the black people in Montana reference. And here we go. Every time I've been to Montana, I gotta tell ya. Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.

Well, they ain't in the grocery stores I go to. Whoa! My goodness, I gotta tell you about the black people in Montana. Am I right? There are none. Oh, here he goes. This is why I was shaking when I came up here, because I knew this was going to happen. Okay.

All right. Okay, very good. But no, the first time I visited him in Montana, we were walking down in front of this brewery, and there was a black gentleman walking across the street, and Spencer went, ooh, a unicorn. Oh, dude. Wow. I didn't make that up. It was a lot funnier when Spencer did it, though. I guarantee you that. We got to bring Cam out here. He's got to represent, bro. No, no, no, no, no. I don't want Cam near these guys. They'll fuck up.

Oh shit, there's one. There's one. Funny, amazing eclipse happening right now. You never see black people and he never sees white people, so. Interesting. Take your microphone, Pauly. Say something cool, bro. Jesus. All right. Oh my God. All right.

These are some white motherfuckers. They really are. We like you. Evan, this is for you. And Spencer. Oh, you suck, dude. No, no, Pauly. He's not allowed. You don't do anything. You don't do anything. That's an easy way to remember. Thank you. Enjoy yourself. There they go. Spencer and Evan, everybody. The Bill and Ted for hillbillies.

The J and should be silent Bob. There they go. Uh-huh. No, no, no. Back to the bucket we go. This looks like a fun name. I'm excited to see this. Make some noise for K-Won Moses. The Kill Tony debut of K-Won Moses, everybody. Here he is. Make some noise for K-Won, everybody. White people, how y'all doing? Doing all right? Goddamn. I just got pulled over. It's bright as fuck up here. Okay.

Let's get right to it. Who's in the relationship? Round of applause for everybody in the relationship. Yes, it's a great crowd, but you can still hear suicide in that clap. Anyway, I just want to give y'all some advice. I ain't got a lot of time specifically for the fellas. So I want to say constantly work on improving yourself. Make sure you're focused on being better than who you were yesterday, specifically with your oral sex abilities. Make sure you're constantly improving your pussy-pleasing performance because these lesbians, they're coming for your job.

They're coming for your job like a thief in the night. They have the work ethic of an illegal Mexican, okay? They will do it twice as good for half the pay, is what I'm trying to tell you. Make sure you're putting your back into this shit. I don't care how good you think you're doing it. It is a stud who drives a Ford F-150 who's looking to take your position. You know what I'm saying? It was like, I'm not trying to rag on the lesbians. You know what I'm saying? It's like, keep your friends close, enemies closer, is what I'm trying to tell you. You know what I'm saying? These lesbians, they have distinct advantage. They can put their dicks on the charger. You know what I'm saying?

We in Tesla. We in Austin. They can charge their dick like a Tesla. You know what I'm saying? They have distinct advantage. So make sure you're doing what you're supposed to do. You know what I'm saying? And I'll say, my name is Kiwan Moses. Thank y'all so much. Kiwan Moses, ladies and gentlemen. Fucking great. Loved it. Thank you. The cat was a little quiet there, so you got to go long. That's fun. Kiwan, welcome to the show. Your first time on, correct?

Yes, sir. Popping my cherry. I'm sorry. Yes, sir. Absolutely. I always considered you like the white Bernie Mac, by the way. Okay. That's a big compliment. Ron White's a bad motherfucker, Ron White. I'll take that. What did you consider me? Tony, go ask the questions. We're good, dude. I'm going to wait. I'm going to wait for an answer. He's the white soldier boy. Oh, shit. Yeah.

In the army now. In the army now. Okay. Kiwan Moses. So welcome to the show. You're very calm, cool, loved your material, loved everything. Fantastic. Can totally tell you're one of the good ones. Thank you. Shut up. Shut up. He's wearing khakis. Shut up. Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah. I'm safe. I'm safe, whites.

Have you ever been to Montana? There's a good question. That's a really good question. No, but I do advise people to go there because they say the AIDS ratio are really low out there. You know what I mean? So go out there and just raw dog in Helena, Montana. There you go. Absolutely. It's the opposite of Atlanta. You know what I mean? Kiwan, where do you live? I live here. Okay. How long have you lived here? Since Memorial Day of this past year. Okay. Memorial Day. Shout out to the troops. Yep.

What do you do for a living? I'm an underwriter, credit analyst during the day. I was going to say enterprise rental cars. Yeah, yeah. I really was. That's the whitest outfit I've ever seen anybody wear, by the way. Hey, man, I got to make them feel comfortable. You know what I'm saying? That's what I thought you were trying to do. You know what I'm saying? You don't have to try that fucking hard, dude. You know what I'm saying?

Hell yeah. Kiwan Moses talking about pleasing women with oral sex. Do you have any tricks in your oral sex game? Yes, to kind of like loop your tongue. Oh, shit. Wait a second. Can we get a spotlight and some sexual music here? Let's go. Mama, we made it. Um...

Loop your tongue, loop your tongue and suck it. Saliva, suck it, and keep rotating, keep rotating. And if her legs start to convulse to like she's crushing your head, that means you're doing it right. Wow, very good. Very rarely do I get a scientific answer. That is very good. Is that right? I didn't know black guys ate pussy. Trying to make a change. I started high school when Obama first was elected, so I'm all about...

So I'm all about making a change amongst Negroes. You know what I'm saying? I got good credit. I know my father and I eat pussy. I'm killing it. Wow. Holy shit. I'm killing it. Oh my goodness. My father ain't shit, but I know the nigga. You know what I mean? Wow. I love it. I love it. Break down all the stereotypes. Killing it. You swim? Yeah.

I have a life jacket, Tony. That was a dirty, dirty, oh, it's a dirty motherfucker. Is your life jacket bulletproof as well? I got a lot of questions. Answer us. Do you swim or what? Talk to me, motherfucker. I don't swim well. He answered. I swim through DMs. Swim through money. You know what I mean? I don't swim that well in water. But I have a life jacket. I do pretty good at that. Absolutely. What do you do for fun?

Eat pussy. Okay. Is there a specific kind of pussy that you like? White, Latina? Clean. Ah, good answer. And eating pussy and stand-up comedy. But there is only one pussy I eat. Shout out my baby. I love you. Oh, wow. How long have you been with her?

About a year now with a Latina, so we need to hurry this up. Okay. Can I... I'm sorry. I'm just playing. I'm just playing. Can I have Keno give me the spotlight because I want to show you how I eat pussy. Okay. Absolutely. Let's do it. Here he is. Pauly Shore eating pussy. I've ate enough fucking...

Hey, listen, stop fucking playing the drums for a second. Let me say something. Stop fucking around. I don't know if you guys, yo, I don't know if you ever heard of the actor Leonardo DiCaprio. Can I give it up for Leonardo DiCaprio, please? And I'm not kidding. He said this to me once. We were at a club and he looked over at me and he says to me, and I'm not... What are you doing here?

Who said that? Chinese, who said that? Motherfuckers. I'll throw a microphone in someone's fucking head. Like it's Limp Bizkit 1999. I don't give a fuck. Listen. He looked at me and he said, Who are you? Is this a make-a-wish? Make-a-wish.

What are you dying for? Chinese. Listen, if they had their fucking phones, they could Google, Pauly Short teaches Leonardo DiCaprio how to eat pussy, and then they'll tell you to fuck off. Because you'll see that on the internet. Let me finish my sentence. He says to me, Leonardo says to me, he goes, dude, you look like you eat pussy really good. I'm just saying that. There's no joke. I said, why do you say that? He goes, it just seems like you do. And I'll tell you how I do it. That's a way of saying that he thinks you have a small penis. That's what I do.

So you go like this, like this, and you go... Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness. You taught Gilbert Grape... You taught Gilbert Grape how to eat pussy?

He just said he looks like I know how to eat pussy. That's all he said. I know. I know. I was doing a joke, Pauly. It's a thing that we do on comedy. That's all he said the whole night? You look like you know how to eat pussy. When you go home, Google it and you'll see it and then tweet at Tony and say he's right and show him a screenshot of it. And then I remember the next thing Leonardo DiCaprio said was security. Security.

I love it. So Kiwan, where did you meet your lovely Latina at? Facebook dating. Wow. Okay. And then their first date. What was that like? What are the plans? First date was the living room. Straight to the living room. I don't have time. Life is short. Wow. Your living room or hers? My living room. Okay. So there's no kids around. That's good. No children. Right. So she goes to your living room and what happens?

I asked for a hug. Next thing I know, ass was being thrown. Wow. Okay. My beard connects. What can I say? Wow. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Yeah. I'm sorry, but it's real. Why are you not fucking right now, though? Like, what are you doing right now? She's on her period. Go make a mess. I'm sorry. Okay.

That's got things to do. You know what I'm saying? My last name is Moses. I've been parting red seas all my life. Oh, shit. But we're committed now. I ain't got to put up with that shit no more. Right, right. I don't have to prove that I love her. Yeah, you don't want to deal with that Cholula coming over you. Yeah, it is what it is. Plus, you like ketchup with your carpet, right, bro?

There you go. Much lighter reference than my Cholula one. More of an American-ized pussy. I just had to treat him like how I do our in-laws when they speak to me in Spanish. I'd be like, si, si. Yeah, I got you. I got you. All right. Kiwan, a very fun set. Your Kill Tony debut. You're very cool. Come back. Sign up again. Thank you. Kiwan Moses, everybody. Thank you so much. K-Mojo. All right.

Okay, this is a very very exciting moment in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, the young man that you're about to see, this is his first ever, ever scheduled appearance on the show after winning a golden ticket.

Two weeks ago. I do believe that this is one of the most promising figures that we've ever found out of the bucket in the history of this show. And you are here for his first scheduled appearance. An absolute fucking sensation. I'm excited to see his second ever appearance on the show. Make some noise for Heath Cornish, everybody! ♪

The Make-A-Wish has arrived! Guys, I just moved to Austin. I'm very excited about it. But there are a couple times I've gotten confused here. Like one time I was walking down 6th Street and there was this guy on his phone talking to an Instagram Live. And he saw me and he goes, "Yo! Look at that vapin' baby!"

And he goes, "Hey, little baby, blow some clouds." So I blew some clouds. I entertained the man. And then he saw my tattoos and he wanted me to show those off. So I show him this one right here and I show him this one. And then I showed him my penis in the alley. He tricked me.

I ran into this other guy walking across 7th, broke his legs with my car. Thank you guys. Fuck yes. Absolutely. Fucking amazing. Heath Cordes. C-O-R-T-E-S. Yes, sir. An absolute fucking sensation. You've been on the show only once before your episode aired,

week ago and we have we've seen a crazy amount of growth how has your life changed in the past week it's been very exciting I'm addicted to my phone now but other than that it's been I'm cool I'm friends with a lot of cool people now that's fun everyone from high school is very jealous yeah finally yeah

Finally. Finally, they're all jealous of you. Yeah. Hell yeah. And finally, they're looking up to you. Exactly. That's what it was all about. Fuck those guys. This all happened to Tony not about 10 years ago. It's true. It's true. Now who's getting all the pussy? Oh, oh.

I saw you scamming on women at the bar the other night after the show, dude. Can you hook me up, Ron, please? Yeah. Please? I got you covered, man. So, Heath, it is true. The last time you were on the show, I offered a very beautiful woman lifetime tickets to kill Tony if she fucked your brains out. Do you have any updates for us on your sex life the past week since you've become... It never happened, Tony. It never happened. It never happened. Wow.

I know. So can we say... Bitches. I didn't tell her the other side of that. She's banned forever from buying. This is a high pressure situation. It's a real live show. Anything can happen. They're actually very nice ladies, but no sex. But they were nice. I think there's a girl tonight that'll probably suck your dick. Heck yeah. Yeah, she has short hair and is wearing a red and black flannel. Hell yeah.

No, Pauly don't. No, come on Pauly. Oh, come on. You're over 18, right? Yeah, absolutely. Here he goes. Sucking his dick. Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my god. Must see TV here. Only on Kill Tony.

Oh my god. What the fuck? This is going to be such a great fucking teaser clip for the episode. Oh my god.

Like, what the fuck is going on? You've got to love Heath. Doesn't just take the blowjob, immediately grabs the back of the head. Unbelievable. You know what's fucked up is he probably would let me suck his dick. Fucking weird, bro. Of course I would. That's the story. For the story alone, absolutely. My goodness. What?

Wow. How tall are you, Heath? 4'11". 4'11", but I got to tell you, you grabbed Pauly's head like you were 4'12". Yeah. I got to just say. I love it. Really?

Wow. So what else has been going on this week? I went to a rave last Sunday. That's the type of shit you do when you get famous. Yeah. My roommates posted a countdown for the last episode drop. And on the countdown it said six days until Heath loses his virginity. And one girl responded to it and said that she wanted me to go to a rave with her. So I think I'm about to get laid.

And then I get cock-blocked by some fat guy named Otto who's crashing on the couch at the hotel. Oh, no. It was the worst. I hate that guy. Yeah. Fuck that guy. Fuck Otto. God damn it. Otto. Damn. That's the name of a true cock-blocker. Right. Yeah. Otto. O-T-T-O. Never trust him. Bots, roll out. Yeah.

So Heath, what else is going on? You been eating your Lunchables? What's happening here? I eat like fish sticks and mac and cheese almost every day. It's the best. I love it. Breakfast of champions. It takes like 12 minutes to prepare. Do you have a sippy cup? Yeah. Occasionally I spill stuff. I have to. Well, we like you. Yeah. You can be part of our team. What team are you talking about?

You said before I came on stage we were all part of a team here. Now we're not part of a team. Yeah, that's over in like 45 minutes or so. Expired. You said he could be part of our team.

Oh my goodness. So 411, you're famous now. You're one of the kings of Austin. The crown prince of the 6th street. What else is going on? Are your friends cool? Are they cooler? They're cool as hell. I love my friends. They're the best. Have you noticed any people getting jealous?

Not really. They seem happy for the most part. Okay, good. Do you want to be on my jam in the van show? Yeah, I'd love to be on your jam in the van show. What did I tell you about inviting people that look like this into vans, Pauly? Hey, you want to jam in the van with me? I already almost sucked his dick, dude. Come on.

Can you do that Fortnite dance where it's like, you know, it looks like the hands going? I can do the floss. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. Yeah. Oh, shit. Wow. Look at that, Pauly. Oh, my goodness. Pauly's hard as a rock right now. My mating call for Pauly. Oh, he's jerking off. Spanking the weasel.

Heath, you did it again. Another amazing minute. We fucking love you. Golden ticket winner. Live in his first arena December 30th here in Austin, Texas. Gonna be on some really fun shows coming up. Heath Bordas, everybody. Alright. Back to the bucket we go. Back to the bucket, which is where we found Heath. It's where we found Cam. Where we found everybody. Your next comedian goes by the name of I Am X. I Am X.

I am X. Is that a real name? I am X. Okay. Oh, yes. Absolutely. I am X, everybody. Yes, go right ahead. Holy shit. Make some noise for I am X, everybody. Hey, how's it going? I am X. One minute started. My name is Paige. I'm an open book. I have a Polly Pocket full of confidence.

That I always go home with the funny guy because I'm a chuckle fucker. I can't help it. My pussy's so tight like prom night. I need a cunt double. I'm the filthy MILF. Do you like my MILF muscles? I've been bench pressing a Fender Stratocaster. I'm in Rhythm House. Yeah, this one's for London. I like blokes named Blake and Crystal Med. Alcohol's bad, kids. They tried to make me go to rehab. I said no, no, no.

My ex-husband, his two or three favorite things are Tito's Vodka, Pickleball, and re-drumming the accidental country girl. He didn't go down on me once in 12 years, said he was going to do it after the Razorbacks won or after he took out the trash. Neither one ever happened. But he is the number one Pickleball pro of Arkansas, and now I'm raising Stewie from Family Guy. All right. The bear came out quick on that one. I am X.

Welcome to the show, IMX. Thank you so much. Okay, do you know where you're at right now? Yeah. Have you seen the show before? Well, I tried not to watch it because I didn't want to copy anybody, but I probably should have seen an episode or three. I've been watching my television a long time ago because I've been listening to Phish.

Okay. The band or the animal? I don't know about the animal. You don't know what that is? I'm from Arkansas. Right, yeah. We don't have fish in Arkansas. Everybody knows that. Okay. So, I am X. I am X, yes. The branding is incredible on that, by the way. Thank you. I appreciate it. So, what do you... What the fuck? What?

Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? Two years. Two years ago, you did it once? Uh-huh. Yeah, no. For the last couple of years, I've been doing it. Where have you been doing it at exactly? My mom's garage, mostly. And the joint in Little Rock.

I did so well that they slashed three or four of my tires after my set. I looked like Eileen Wuornos. I had a bee sting and my eye piercings popped out. I'm sure that's what it was that made them want to do that.

Okay. So what do you do for a living exactly? Well, I'm divorced, unemployed, and I got evicted. So I'm trying, I want to be a stand-up comic. Hold on a second here. Let's go one step at a time. Divorced. How long were you married for? Seven years. But with Betty Crocker for 12. What's that mean? My gay ex-husband, that's what I call him, Betty Crocker. Oh.

Is he really gay or did you make him that way? I think stage purposes, he's always going to be gay. Real life, I think he's asexual. I bet he is around you. Oh, there's that wacky sound. So... That's the fentanyl. And that was his idea? His idea to get married? The divorce. The divorce.

He kicked me out on my birthday. Right. But he's the number one pickleball pro of Arkansas. We heard that. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm banned from Walmart, Lowe's, and Sam's for life because I divorced a mogul. This just gets sadder and sadder and sadder. I love it. There it is again. I love it. Your birthday. I love you. Oh, shit. Look at this. All of you, pause.

This is one of my favorite scenes from Devil's Rejects right now happening. Does she want me to suck? Tell me I love you. No, no, no. So, I am X. Why are you banned from those places? Lowe's, Walmart? It's a persona problem from what the psychiatrist told me. But I'm a nurse. I'm an unemployed nurse. So, they're either trying to make me work at the psych facility or be admitted. Okay.

What type of... I've been bossing surgeons around for a while, for like 14 years as a travel nurse. Surgeons? What do you mean when you say you boss them around? Are they real? I was an operating room nurse for 14 years before I gave birth to Stewie from Family Guy. Hold on. Okay. Stop. Stop.

Were you really in an operating room at some point? Yeah, yeah. I mean, they weren't operating on me, yes. I did craniotomies in Boulder and Denver. They taught me how to do transplants and then I did a lot of sex change surgeries in San Francisco. Really? Are you making jokes or is that serious? No, that's for real. You guys can look me up. And then what happened?

Uh, Betty Crocker. I made it with Sasquatch. He's 6'4 and 280, and then I gave birth to Stewie from Family Guy. You said that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Okay, shut up. Hold on. Sure, yeah. How much material do you have written on those ripped up loose leaf papers that you have? Is that all jokes? What is that?

It's notes from my doctor that say I should stay in a safe place in a biodome. No, but I had a flip phone that I did put in the bin, and so I did have a couple good human trafficking jokes and talking about 90s nostalgia. All right. You guys have good security here, right? Yeah. Only the best, Paul. The very best. Austin Security Guard Service, the best in the world.

She's cool, though. She's cool. She reminds me of some wild babe from the Midwest, dude. The Midwest is a wild place. Are you from the Midwest? I'm from Little Rock, Arkansas. Okay, hold on. Okay, whatever. So what are you on right now?

Just tell the truth. Don't try to be funny or talk about fucking Stewie or whatever bullshit. What am I on? What exactly are you on? Like, what did you do today? Any pills? No, I just took the one prescription that the doctor gave me. What's that prescription? Lexapro. Yeah, there it is. Absolutely. Oh, okay. Get rid of that. Very good.

Okay. All right. Honestly, I think you're very, very promising. I think you have a chance. Really? No. Okay. Can you catch this? I'm going to throw this just short of you there to avoid all lawsuits. There you go. I love you. All right. Awesome. Okay. There she goes. I am X, everybody. Thank you.

There you go. Absolutely. This place is fucking wild. Is she going to stay in the episode or do you cut that part out? No, she'll stay in. She'll stay in. She answered just enough questions. You can shorten it, right? No, no, no. We won't do that. No. We'll keep it. Keep it as it is. Now, some of the things that you've said tonight, on the other hand, we're going to do some deep, deep, deep trimming. Just a little...

Nip and tuck. No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. How about a hand for the great Pauly Shore and Ron Weiderman? Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Alex Reyes, everybody. Alex Reyes. This kind of sounds familiar. Yeah, I think he's been on before. One more time for Alex, everybody. When I started doing comedy, I was in a really bad place. El Paso, Texas.

El Paso has one of the largest landfills in this country. It's called New Mexico. There was a mass shooting at a Walmart in El Paso. 15 people died. 11 of them volunteered. Thank you guys. - 38 seconds of Alex Reyes. - Oh, wow. - Do you have anything else you wanted to say?

Right.

Okay. How about one more time for Alex Reyes, everybody? You've been on this show before, right? I remember you. I was here on my birthday. Okay. When's your birthday, Alex? It was in July. Wow. Okay. July 24th. How did that go for you? It went amazing, man. Yeah. I had an amazing set. I got a big book, a big gun. Yep. Absolutely. It's a gel blaster, by the way. It's a gel blaster.

shooting device. Absolutely. Have you used it? No, I'm going to mount it with the big book and a picture of me here. Okay. Maybe, I don't know. All right. Give me some thoughts. It's Mental Health Awareness Day. Is there a gas leak out back? All right. So, Alex, remind us, what do you do for a living? I go door to door. I set appointments for homeowners looking to go solar. Okay. Okay.

What are you on today? I'm on love, guys. Come on. One of the most boring drugs available. I gave him something about a half hour ago. You did? What was it? The bad jokes that he did? Ha ha ha.

I thought his jokes were good for 38 seconds, then I got sad that they didn't continue. Why didn't you continue? I thought that was a whole minute. My timing is way off. Mijo, you had more time. Gracias, senor. Gracias. You are one of the funniest Mexican grandmothers we've ever had on this show, Alex.

So, okay. You go door to door, ba-ba-ba-ba. How long have you lived in Austin? I live in San Antonio. Okay. Absolutely. I'm from Laredo. I'm from a border town. Huh? All right. Brownsville. No, Laredo. Brownsville's got some good beans, dude. Whoa. I don't think you're allowed to call them that anymore.

okay Alex anything else crazy or interesting about your life that we should know about you or on the show a few months ago maybe you thought of something since then in which you're like hey at that interview part maybe I should after the show I went to Burning Man okay that's it alright yeah you're right is that it that's the end of the story you went there and that's it I had an amazing time everybody was crying okay yeah okay oh it got flooded that's right

Okay. All right. There he goes, everybody. Alex Reyes, everyone. There you go, buddy. Man. Legit. He doesn't get a book, right? He already got one, Paulie. I got that part.

Yeah, no, we got you. There he goes, everybody. One of the rare lesbian fortune tellers in the industry of fortune telling. All right. Pull another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for John Nameke, everybody. John Nameke. John Nameke. Here's the Phil Tony debut, I do believe, of John Nameke. What's up, guys? I started kickboxing. Learning how to fight is supposed to build confidence.

I'm just curious when that confidence is supposed to come. Because right now I just feel like I'm paying to get my ass kicked. I can't fight for shit. Ironically, my favorite shirt to wear to the gym is a tank top that says Iron Mike Tyson on it. I think if I wear it, I'm going to somehow channel some of Mike Tyson's greatness through that shirt and have a better workout. I just put it on. I'm like, who's like Mike? I'm like Mike. But in reality, the only thing I have in common with Mike Tyson is the gap in my teeth.

When I was a kid, I asked for braces. My parents said, "No, John, we want you to have at least one thing in common with Mike Tyson." That makes sense. Well, Mike Tyson went to prison for rape when he was 26. I'm only 25. I'd rather buy a tiger. I'd rather buy a tiger. All right, that's my set. All right, John Nemecke.

That was kind of like Mike Dyson. I was wishing someone would bite my ear off during that performance. John, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? For the last year. For the last year. Where at? I'm from Cleveland, Ohio. Oh, Cleveland, Ohio. You still live there? Yes. How long are you in Austin for?

Probably another week. How long have you been here? One week. What have you done that's fun? Tell people listening around the world how you've enjoyed Austin, Texas this week. I've been hanging out in Barton Springs and just smoking weed with my friends. All right. Very good. What do you do for a living in Cleveland? I just work a waiting job. I got out of the Navy last year. I'm just kind of chilling before I go back to school. Another reason I'm here, I want to look at the campus.

The campus. Oh, the campus. Yes, absolutely. Okay, so where are you waiting tables at? A Korean restaurant. Ah, okay. There you go. Following in the footsteps of Hans Kim's sisters. What did you do in the Navy? I worked on F-18's engines. F-18's engines. So you know how to work an engine on an F-18? Yeah.

Not well. Right. Somehow, I.M.X. thinks she's done the same job before. That's the crazy part. She's done one of the many things on her insanely long resume of insanity. Okay. What's your love life like, John? Just someone that I'm kind of hanging out with at the moment. Not like a...

title or anything. - And we have a little bit of a theme on tonight's show. Do you have any special tricks to eating pussy? - Not really, I just kinda get down there. I don't know, I don't, nothing special, I just. - Jesus Christ, that sounds like the worst pussy eater I've ever heard in my life. - Yo, does this guy, does this dude remind you of Richard Branson's retarded son? - Yeah, absolutely. - Fuck yeah, bro, right?

That's my time. Good night, ladies and gentlemen. I've done a lot of fucking jokes here, bro. Do we get paid for this shit? No. Fuck, dude. No, no. This is like your gigs in Montana. No pay.

And if you could sell shirts for us after the show. It's like if Richard Branson was a virgin instead of own virgin. So, John, did I ask you special skills or talents other than being a stand-up comedian? No, you did not, but I can scuba dive. I'm a dive master. Oh, a dive master. A dive master that can't eat pussy. Unbelievable. No, it's not. A muff dive master, that's for sure.

Okay, so what do you think about the people on the submarine? Okie dokie. Wow. So John, what scares you? What are you afraid of? You've been in the Navy, you've done stand-up comedy, you've done some scary things in your life. What are you afraid of? Being boring during this interview, but I bet you're scared of being intimate with a boy. And I think it's time that you face your fears.

Uh oh. Uh oh, look at this. Whoa! Oh my, whoa! Look at that. He was gonna do it. - He was gonna do it. - Oh my goodness gracious. Thank God D Madness has no idea what's going on right now. He would have left five minutes ago. It's funny because he's homophobic. Just kidding, D's not homophobic.

He loves the game so much. No. All right. John, anything else about your life that we would find interesting or compelling at all? A fun fact about you. I travel quite a bit. I spent like the last three months in South America and I kind of speak Spanish a little bit. Well, I got good news for you. You can travel right now, my friend. Your time here is done. There's a small joke book for you. There he goes. Thank you. John Nameki, everybody. Is he? Is he over there? E.C.?

The big boy? Is he around? Grab him, we'll do that too. Alright, last bucket pool of the night. Shut up. Alright, put your hands together for Aaron McPherson, everybody. Aaron McPherson. This will be your final bucket pool of the night. Okay, here we go. The Coltoni debut of Aaron McPherson. Make some noise for Aaron, everybody. Howdy, niggas.

See, I appreciate that. It's my favorite pastime. I like going into rooms crowded full of white folks and just shouting out "nigga" a bunch. Just be like, "Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga." And if you didn't laugh, fuck you, man. You make me nervous. We all got them friends that just be like, "God's got me in any situation." They be like, "Hey, man, fuck that test. God's got me." We all right, get some semi-serious shit, be like, "Hey, man, fuck that shit. I'm going in raw tonight."

God's got me. But then you know you got some serious shit for real, you be like, hey man, fuck paying them taxes. God's got me. Man, God came down with the quickness and was like, I ain't got shit. Uncle Sam got your black ass, nigga. Thanks, man. Fuck yeah. Aaron McPherson. I like it. Welcome to the show, Aaron. How long you been doing stand-up? About five years now. Five years. Where at?

Out of Kansas. I came on here once before. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, you were on earlier tonight. I just had a fro. Oh, well, the mighty have fallen. I don't know what happened, but... When was that? When were you on the show? Whatever the month, I think March, the first month I was here. Okay. Yeah, I had a fro, though, then. Okay. Why'd you get rid of the fro? Man, because I came about some money, so I can get a haircut now.

Okay, how'd you come about some money? Where was this great looting at? So when you had an afro, did you have a pic in it and cruise around with the pic too? Because that's a good look, bro. Yeah, man, I had one, man. That's tight. Okay, thank you. Where'd you come across the money? Huh? The question that I asked a minute ago that you avoided. Man, I was out there selling some beer, you know. I'm not selling no beer no more, though. But yeah, that's what I was doing. I came across somebody selling some beer.

Beer? Beer? You were selling beer? Yeah, that's the code word. What does that mean exactly? Come on, tell the truth. It's more interesting if you tell the truth. No one's ever been arrested in the history of the show other than the guy that murdered his girlfriend afterwards. I was selling myself, man. What? I was selling myself. What do you mean? Oh, you're being a, like a, you know what I mean? Let me answer the question. Really. Yeah, man. They called me, you know...

You know, I'm Deuce Bigelow, the American Negro gigolo. Oh my goodness. So what type of money are we talking about? What is a menu of Aaron McPherson look like? What is the menu? Dick. Right. Okay, so what's the amount of money for dick? So you know about a good cool 200 or something, man. I'm cheap. Right. Okay. Was that the only thing on the menu? Just dick?

Of course, man. Shit. But I mean, again, what's like the range? Oh, food, man. You know, I got food, too. I'll make some food for you. Okay, dick in a sandwich. What do you got? Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. So, come on. Like, what's the price range here exactly? What's the price range? All right, I'm setting it right now since I'm on this. It's about $750. $750? Yeah, for some dick and some chicken.

For a second I thought it was going to be actual $7.50 like you would give two quarters and change. What about if you put a piece of chicken on your dick? Like, you know, biscuit type shit. That is true. I can make it do what it do. It's true. The old chicken dick biscuit. Put your dick up on the motherfucking counter. Let's see this shit. We might make you some money tonight, bro. We're going to find out exactly what this dick should be worth.

Okay, so you came across money being a gigolo. Yeah. All right, what else do you do? You seem like a busy man. What else do I do? You seem like you have a lot of side hustles, like stuff is in the trunk of your car right now for sale. You know...

Dee, don't laugh like that. Come on. He can't even see you, but he knows what you look like. He knows. Dee is cracking up. He's not used to me saying that someone does stuff in the trunk of their car. Just be working. Just be, you know, hunting and shit. What? Just be working. Hunting. Oh. Yeah, man. Just chilling. I don't know. Smoking some weed. You seem like you have a lot of secrets. Yeah.

Maybe, man. I don't know. Okay. All right. No, I do got secrets, though. Yeah? Can you tell us one? Can you tell us one of your secrets? Tell me one of your secrets. All right. Hey, there's some bitches in Winfield. I was fucking, and they mans like to get cucked. So I was fucking bitches in front of their niggas. Oh, okay. And they pay you for that? That's, yeah. Yeah.

Okay. What was it, like an internship or something like that? Wow. So what do the guys do when they're watching you bang their women? Shit, I don't know. I ain't looking at them niggas, man. That's a really good point. That was the correct answer. That was a trick, and you did not take the bait whatsoever. Okay.

I ain't looking at them N-words was the correct answer. That was exactly what I had written down here. You didn't have to phone a friend or anything for that one. You absolutely nailed it. Okay. Were they fully clothed though, right? No gay shit's going on there. Yeah, none of that gay shit. Right. Then I'm leaving, bro. No, you gotta stay, Pauly. No gay shit. No gay shit. No gay shit. D-Madness is rules. Um...

Aaron, tell us one more fun fact about your life or something that you've done. Any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy? You seem like the kind of guy that has like a fucking magic trick or something like that. Let me think, man. What do I do special, man? Shit, I make bitches cum. Okay, which brings me to my final point. There's been kind of a theme on tonight's show.

Oh, damn. Damn. It's been kind of a theme where each person that comes on stage has shared one of their tricks of eating pussy. Can you share with us an eating pussy trick from Aaron McPherson? All right. I'm waiting for this moment. Hey, you sit there and you take that thing and you bust it open. Oh, all the way open. Holy shit. Look at that. Wait, are those the legs or the pussy? It's a big woman. My goodness.

Are you stuffing a turkey? What's going on here exactly? You bust that thing open, man, and then you stick your head through there and just be like... Whoa. You did that shit, though? Like that? Yeah, man. Hey, man, I even got a gang sign, man. You know, just involves two fingers and...

Whoa. Oh my goodness. Absolutely. I'll see you backstage, bro. Aaron, you got a joke book last time you were on? Yes, sir. A big one? Yes, sir. There you go. You did it again. Congratulations. You're going to leave here with a gel blaster. Thanks so much for Aaron McPherson, everybody. Yeah.

All right, so one more little special treat. A golden ticket winner out of Houston, Texas that moved here. We're going to watch his new minute together, fighting the good fight. Not easy out here on these streets for a lot of comedians. You know, new guns coming around every corner and this and that. This is one of the oldest golden ticket winners, believe it or not, five years ago in Houston, Texas. Make some noise for him with a new minute. This is Enrique Chacon, everybody. ♪

Yo, yo, yo, what's up motherfuckers? Fuck yeah, man, I got a problem sweating, dude. Like, I sweat so much, man, I identify as a Baptist preacher, dog. During the summer, I identify as brisket, bitch. It's wild, man, like, have you ever sweat so hard at the mall that people think you're crying, dog? I was just at the mall trying to find some Vans dripping, dude. And the security officers approached me like, sir, sir, are you having a mental health crisis?

And I was like, "No, officer, just a regular health crisis." So yeah, man, like, I sweat so much, I'm afraid to have missionary sex with my girl 'cause I really think she's gonna drown down there, dude. You know, sometimes when I fuck her with a big, soaked T-shirt, I almost feel like I'm waterboarding her. Like, is this really the best dick you ever had? So yeah, man, dude, whenever me and my girl fuck, dude, we don't go to pound town, yo. We go to Schlitterbahn, you know what I'm saying?

Well, yeah, man. That's been my time, bro. Appreciate y'all. Boom. Exactly a minute. Enrique Chacon. He's done it again.

likable, adorable, sweet, sweet thing, Enrique Chacon. How's life? Pretty fucking good so far, Tony. I recently recorded a training video for Shipley's Donuts, dog. Wait, what did you do for the donuts? I did a training video. You know how if you get a job, you got to watch that training video? I did that, but with donuts, baby. Oh, my God. Are you training people how to eat the donuts? Yeah.

Oh, don't get me wrong, dog. I did a lot of that, too, bro. Hey, come on, Tony. Don't do that to me. Yeah, come on. I did a lot of that, too, shit, dude. Oh, my goodness. I was standing in front of literally the shittiest Shipley's Donuts, bro. Ghetto and shit. Homeless guy outside. And it's just me and a camera. And I'm just like, would you like some donut holes with that? Pretty much that. Wow. All right. Very good. So you're not at Bucky's anymore? Oh, I'm still at Bucky's, dude, but...

So that's where I saw you, right? Oh, yeah. We were going to some little town and we stopped at a Bucky's and I'd never been in one before and I walked in and it was there. You were waving behind the cash register. You guys got in trouble for that, right? Yeah, no, no. We didn't get in trouble, bro. But Ron White walked up to me. He's just like, can I get a job application? Yeah.

And I told him, dude, he was white enough and he was good enough to be a manager, bro. Straight to manager. Imagine that. I was thinking too about brisket. But congratulations, man. It's been fun to watch you grow as a young comic on this day. It's been a lot of fun. You're doing a great job. It's also been fun to watch your comedy get better and evolve. We got to do both. We got to watch you grow and evolve as a comedian. Thank you.

Shipley's did pay me by the dozen, baby. That shit was fucking... At the end of it, they were like, take as many boxes as you want, bro. Fuck, dudes. Oh, damn. How many donuts do you think you ate? I don't know, dude. Maybe like 24. Oh, shit. You know it's bad when Red Band's like, Jesus. Oh, Red Band, come on. That's a lot of donuts, dude.

Wow. 24 donuts. Just sweating bullets over a box of donuts. It was so uncomfortable at first because they gave me the thinnest shirt, dude. So the whole time I was recording, my nipples were so hard, bro. Oh, yeah. Pauly knows. I ain't showing you my tits, Pauly. No, no, we're good. So what's up with your tie thing? That looks like you're Indian. You're not Mexican, bro. No, this is a cowboy choker, bro.

Well, everything's a choker on you. That top button is holding on for dear life right now. Look at that fucking thing. It's sweating. I see your top button has its own beads of sweat on it right now from holding it all together. So is that true? You fuck your girl and you sweat a lot then too, right? Sweat a lot, bro. Bring a towel and everything. We're both wet. A towel. So she's just covered in sweat. Yeah. Fucking unbelievable. Yeah.

Absolutely incredible. Now there's been a theme tonight. I don't know if you know this, but I want to know, do you have any tricks to eating donuts?

You gotta eat them from the back, Tony. Hey, oh. The old chocolate eclair. Rocky Road donut, baby. Oh, hell yeah. Some of that maple glaze. Lick your fingers afterwards, dude. Oh, absolutely. Hold your breath. Hair claw. Absolutely. Enrique, we love you. There he goes. Golden ticket winner. Enrique Chacon, everybody. Thank you so much, y'all. Follow me at Enrique Comedy. Love y'all. Hell yeah. Hey, see me at Bucky's or at a donut place.

There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. I spent the entire weekend with this man.

doing sold-out theaters, absolutely on the top of his game. I mean, absolutely incredible to see. He has the record for all-time appearances on the show and interviews on the show, the only living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Some people call him the Tijuana Tarantula, the San Francisco Buttermilk Biscuit, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine. Lights out, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

An Alaskan Airlines pilot high on mushrooms tried to shut off the plane's engines mid-flight a couple weeks ago before being subdued, proving that mushrooms are totally safe because even if you try to crash a plane, you can't crash a plane. Woo!

Webster's Dictionary just added the word girl boss. Just know this, ladies, if I ever call you a girl boss, I respect you just as much as a normal boss. But seriously, if you're called girl boss, you're probably called raging bitch by everyone else in your life. But seriously, I'm still waiting for the FBI to indict 3-6 Mafia on RICO charges.

This is what they do for mafia people? Okay, let's see. Funny how some of the same people posted about climate change also sharing horoscope memes. Climate change is real, it's science. Also, I'm Sagittarius, so you know I be judging real quick this month. Okay, that's my time, thank you. Wow, he did it again.

Ladies and gentlemen, like only he can coming in at the end every week showing everybody how it's done in his own defined style. The wild stylings of William Montgomery. So nice to be here tonight. I think everybody will be happy to know Tony and I went to a Russian bathhouse in San Francisco on Saturday morning and we saw one another's penises for the first time. We did.

We did. Archimedes Banya. Shout out. I think that's the name. Yeah, Archimedes Banya. Fucking greatest place I've ever been to in my entire life. And that was just for the dicks. But it was also... Yeah, there were penises everywhere. State of the art shit. True old school Russian throwback. It's the only thing about San Francisco that it's amazing right now. Because that place is literally a fucking...

I mean, it's like a hellscape right now. I mean, there were people doing math, shooting up stuff, drinking stuff. I mean, so many people in wheelchairs and obnoxious and homeless people in wheelchairs. It was like there was a wheelchair basketball game going on, but there was no basketball, just people going in the streets and back and forward. And it was fucking crazy. I don't know what's going on there, but nobody's walking anymore.

They've literally just gotten all the, they all have wheelchairs now and they are rolling around. It was crippled people fucking everywhere in San Francisco and crippled people already give me the creeps sometimes. I mean, it was a nightmare. More human shit on a sidewalk than I've seen in three years in a weekend. Uh, yeah, they don't even remember when they used, they used to go to like alleyways and stuff. They used to have some fucking pride.

Now they literally, they just stand up out of the wheelchair, straight up, and then next to the wheelchair they take a shit, and then they get back in the wheelchair, and they fucking roll away from the scene of the crime. It's kind of like Red Band's mom's house. There's just shit. I mean, she's getting older. Y'all know that bitch be old these days, and I mean, she is shitting fucking everywhere in that motherfucker. Look at the wheels turning over here.

So what was Tony's dick like? Like, what would you review it? Yeah, talk about my dick a little bit. We put our penises beside each other. We had to get to the bottom of whose penis is bigger. Tony's penis was bigger than mine by, I don't know, four or five inches. It was... I mean, he had this huge penis down there. I was honestly, I was blushing when I saw it. When we go inside of the... And by the way, that was after I got out of the cold plunge. Yeah, I was shocked. I mean, that... Oh, man. Oh, man.

So William, what's up? Oh, good question. Did I mention that Pauly has the jam in the van shell on YouTube? William, so you peed in the bottle, correct?

On the way to Sacramento? Yes or fucking no. I like it when you guys talk at the same time. That's the best thing for the show. If you guys could do that more often, that'd be great. No, I couldn't pee in the bottle. Tony wouldn't let me pee in the bottle, but we did stop at an In-N-Out pretty soon after that, but I was horrified. I mean, I had to pee so fucking bad. The reason why I knew you had to pee, because that was the same day. We were in San Fran. We went to this dial.

fucking sweat house from the heavens. I mean, levels and levels of different crazy fucking saunas. So we were drinking an obnoxious amount of water. And even though it's funny that twice in this episode, this comes up, I never have to pee, but I had to pee so bad. So when I heard from the back of the van, like, Hey, you done with that bottle? Can I see that bottle? Can you like pour some of this in that bottle? I knew what the fuck was going on. So I turn around and go, William, are you about to piss in that bottle?

And somehow Hans looked more guilty than you. But I knew what was going on. So I did. I had the first ever...

in our touring history. Tony, do you want to tell the people who peed longer? Because that was a bit of a competition we had. We did not have a dick-sized competition in the bathhouse, but we actually did have a pee time-length competition in the In-N-Out bathroom, and I was pretty sure that I was going to win, but my giant pee hole cost me a real problem on this one. It popped out. Yeah, I was just pissing like a horse, and in the stall next to me, I just hear this little...

Yeah, I don't give a fuck! That's how I peed! And I peed for literally like three fucking minutes. It was crazy. Your pee hole, I mean, absolutely tiny. There's just no way to describe it other than it is God's sense of humor.

Yeah, it's really small. Also, who has a small TT hole? Red band's mom. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. I said TT hole, bitch! Wow. Hers isn't that small because of cancer, though. Whoa. Yeah, I have skin cancer. Why would you bring that up, dumbass? I have to go under the fucking knife in two weeks. Wow, you have to go under the knife. Red band's going under the fork. All right.

Because he likes food. And his mom's under the table because her bitch ass is drunk all the time. There's shit everywhere. She's peeing all over the fucking place. She's drunk under tables. She's the one who gave me herpes, by the way. Tony asked me. We did look at each other's penises. I have herpes on my penis right now. He's like, where'd you get that? I was like, you know, red-ass mom, bitch. This is all true, William. Oh my, oh.

Oh, it's all true. Stop talking about it. In the 1990s, when Mom's Jokes came out, my mom told me, like, don't worry about it, son. I know all the people in the playground are talking about me being a whore with a small pee hole and all this shit. And it doesn't bother me anymore, William. You were at a playground at one point? I mean...

It was the McDonald's playground. I got stuck in one of the tubes. There you go. A little self-deprecation from Redman. Look at that. Spun it around on himself. Wow. You were in a tube eating a little Big Mac. All right.

William, anything else going on in life? What else is happening? Nothing. Just after the cancer diagnosis, I've been playing. You don't want to hear this, Tony, but I'm going to be honest with you tonight. I've been back on the video games. Back on Diablo 4. I'm a motherfucking level 92 sorcerer right now. Oh my goodness. Okay, I was expecting more applause for that. I shouldn't have said that. Okay. Ah!

But yeah, just doing that. An incredible weekend in the theaters, mixing in new material. Everybody was amazed. Very, very exciting stuff. It was wonderful. Felt great. It's been a real pleasure. Okay. Kind of sounded like a lie, but I know you mean it. It's been a real pleasure, Tony. Yeah, get ready, dumbass! Fuck! I love going out with your ass, Tony! It's been a ton of fun, man!

You know it's been a ton of fun! And we did look at each other's penises at the fucking thing. And my balls, too. You didn't mention my balls at all. I actually didn't see his balls. They're very small. I mean, it's a big... I'm kidding! You son of a bitch.

What did I tell you? I said we could do the show on Monday. You tell everybody. What did Hans Kim do when you guys went to the bathhouse? He was there, too. No, he was there. What did that dick look like? Oh, dude, you don't want to know. It just looked like a pussy, right? No, no. Mostly pubes. A lot of pubes. What do you mean? Like a pussy. Just looked like a pussy. Yeah, I think it's called an inverted penis what he has. Basically, you could only see kind of the tip of it coming out of the hole. Like a little Vietnamese soldier sneaking through the bushes. Yes. Yes.

How's this pee hole though? I don't know. We didn't, we were, Hans wasn't in the pee competition. No. I thought I was going to beat William, but yeah, I had a bigger flow. William, you're absolutely unbelievable. The way that you come in every single week and absolutely drop the hammer. It's insane. I just love you. Everybody loves you. Love you too. Thank you. You got anything coming up? You want to promote or anything?

Just get me on that Cameo app, please. Here we go. Get the Cameos. There goes William Montgomery, everybody. How about one more time for the great Ron White, everyone? He's on tour at tatersalad.com. Pauly Shore, jamming the band show with Pauly Shore.

Drew Barrymore's Beyonce. And tour dates, of course. He's always on the road, killing it. Shout out to Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Connect Mobile Health, the IB Drip Company, Connect Mobile Health, Austin Security Guard Service, NinjaBuses.com, Hull Law Firm, and AustinPools.com.

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. We have a drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt that we're going to show on YouTube. He's here live in the flesh. Look at that. That's the actual Ryan J. E-Belt over there. He's been drawing every episode since the start of the show. And we also have a drawing from local artist Chris Rogers is also here. Oh, shit. Look at that. He's...

Of course, Ryan's is every episode of the show. I have them scattered throughout my place. RyanJEBelt.com. Of course, all the Kill Tony books from RyanJEBelt.com. All right, here to take us out tonight, Red Band, anything else? Check out the secret show every Thursday, Sunset Strip, ATX.com. And we have a special treat for you. Some amazing artists from around the globe come to Austin, Texas. We are graced by the amazing presence of...

of the Dunwells tonight. Check them out on Spotify and everywhere where music is available. Amazing, amazing musicians. This is their hit new debut, All Time High. Make some noise for the Dunwells, everybody. They're here, live in the flesh, all the way from England. Here to sing a little song for you. And here we go. This is the Dunwells. Enjoy yourselves, everyone. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much.

I'm not waiting for the sun. What's the point in sticking around? We have better days to come. I'm not waiting for that green light. And whatever comes my way, I'll keep dancing in the rain. Good things come to those who go for it. What am I waiting for? Life is an open door. Living it up, living it up. Oh!

Nothing but blue skies, sun in my eyes I'm living for the good times, living it up Cause I'm on an all-time high, high, high On an all-time high, high, high Turning bitter into sweet And I'll keep making lemonade What a lovely rainy day I'm not waiting for that green light Do-do-do-do-do-do

I'm living it up, living it up Another blue sky, sun in my eyes I'm living for the good times Living it up, oh Cause I'm on an old time high, high I'm on an old time high, high, high I'm tied up here in life with a journey

Cause the day is all we have Oh, I'm living it up Oh, living it up Oh, living it up Another blue sky, sun in my eyes I'm looking for the good times, living it up Cause I'm on an old time high I'm on an old time high

I'm on an ocean high