#634 - YANNIS PAPPAS + RYAN SICKLER + MIKE FEENEY
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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. All our merch can be found for Kill Tony at KillMerch.com. Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.

And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called The Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Kill Tony Band, and the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at sunsetstripatx.com. And now a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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Hey everybody, Kill Tony live from the HEB Center in Austin, Texas. Saturday, December 30th at 7 p.m. Just went on sale and you have to trust me, tickets are going lightning fast. It's absolutely unbelievable. These will be the first podcasts of Kill Tony ever in an arena. This is a

Two and a half, three times as big as the ACL Live Theater that we did for the 10-year anniversary. We've become an arena act. So check it out. It's going to be crazy. A lot of surprises, a lot of fun, unbelievable guests. It's a big production. This is our version of WrestleMania. Go to Ticketmaster.com. Look up Kel Tony. It's the one with tickets available. We're going back-to-back nights, the 30th and the 31st. HEB Center, live.

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchclap! You guys ready for the best fucking night of your lives tonight or what? Fuck yeah! How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? We've been doing this a long time now. We're gonna have a lot of fucking fun tonight. A lot of fun stuff.

This is Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Gel Blaster, The Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hull Law Firm, Connect Mobile Health, reuse the promo code KILL10, save 10% on an IV drip. You might need it tomorrow. Austin Pools, get a custom-made pool. Fastest pool maker in Austin. CM Smokehouse, Zippix Toothpicks, the great Bones Eye, who makes all the joke books and is right now stuffing my first black buck that I hunted during our vacation. You hunted? Yeah, I hunted. Wow.

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And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. That is indeed the great and powerful Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Muehling on the electric, Sean Bees on the keys, Paul Deemer on the horns, and the great D Madness on bass.

And the great and powerful Terrell Shaheed joining the band tonight. We love it. Monster. We love it when he's joining us. A lot of these, all of these guys are the best musicians in Austin, Texas. You can see them, follow them on social media, and catch them all throughout the week. Before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. ♪♪

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Three guests tonight. Three of the best in the world. Three of my favorites. Make some fucking noise for Giannis Pappas, Ryan Sickler, and Mike Feeney, everybody. Oh, yeah. Back to our roots. Three comedians, two New Yorkers, and L.A.'s finest, Ryan Sickler, Mike Feeney, Giannis Pappas.

Fuck yes. Giannis Pappas of the Giannis Pappas Hour doing Portland January 11th and Vancouver January 12th. And of course Toronto March 23rd. Giannis, welcome back. Good to be back. What's up, Austin? How you guys doing? Yeah! Yeah!

Giannis just had a wildly successful weekend here at the Comedy Mothership. And this is Mike Feeney's first time at the club. How about a hand for Mike Feeney, everybody? Thank you.

Beautiful. Me, if I didn't smoke two packs of cigarettes a day. Good looking boy. How are you, Mike? I'm great, man. This is exciting. Happy to be back doing the show again. I love it. I love it. Welcome back. And first time at the mothership. First time for Ryan, too, right? Oh, you've been here. I've been here. That's right. You had a fucking bad back last time. This is the first place I performed after I almost died in January. That's right. It was. He's alive and well. Alive and motherfucking well, y'all. Woo!

Mike Feeney's special. Here for Kill Tony in Austin, Texas at the Mothership. Mike Feeney's special comes out Friday. It's available now. If you're watching now, it's at YouTube.com slash Mike Feeney. Ryan Sickler's special is on YouTube. YouTube slash Ryan Sickler, Lefty's son. He also, of course, has the hit podcast, Honeydew, which I've had...

a few of my favorite ever appearances on. Thanks to your father. Thanks to my father. The one gift he gave me were unbelievably ridiculous stories to tell on your podcast. Thank you for abandoning me, Dad. I don't know why I looked up there. He's still alive. That's just sad.

And yes, like I said, Mike Feeney's huge new special comes out this Friday, A Night at the Comedy Cellar, where he's shot in all four rooms, self-produced, self-directed, self-edited. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. You guys have all done this show before. You know how it works. An absolute buttload of people signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage. We're only going to get through fucking hopefully as many as we can tonight.

But they get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy time. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And then I interview them and we find out more about them, more stuff that they could possibly talk about since it's a little bit of a walk from the bar next door. We are going to pre-select our first bucket pull so that they could get ready and behind the curtain. But first, I think we should start the show with, really, I think the guy that's the greatest show starter in the history of the show. You guys know anything about the show that you're at? No!

Well, you might know the words. You guys know the words to this guy's intro song? All right, sing it if you know it. Make some noise for Hans Kim, everybody! Thank you, guys. So there was an eclipse recently. I love eclipses because I don't even have to wear the glasses.

My eyes are always in eclipse mode. I just have to side-eye it. Israel is fighting Palestine again. Winner has to fight Russia. Loser has to marry Jada Pinkett Smith. And be backup dancers for Lizzo. Suck that banana, Palestine.

All right, thank you. There you go. 50 seconds of new material from Hans Kim getting out 10 seconds early after a two-week break. Sorry about that, Tony. I am saving up for the H-E-B show. It's going to be a great one. Tune in. Yes. For those of you that don't know, it is indeed happening. The first ever true...

main event comedy battle in the history of Kill Tony for an already sold out show it will be Hans Kim versus Golden Ticket winner Rick Diaz and they have decided they've put it all up on the line one will be a full time regular of the show the other will not be a snake in Europe yeah

Oh my goodness. I absolutely love this. You guys have an internet beef and everything. You guys are promoting this fight better than like Dylan Danis and Logan Paul did. It's incredible. Update the people if they don't know what's been happening on the internet between you two. So on the internet, Rick Diaz has been a little bitch and he has about, you know,

You know, one tenth of the followers that I have and I blocked him so I don't know what the fuck he's doing. I have been killing it. I have McVader on my side making me posters. I got random people just giving me posters of Rick Diaz like getting fucked in the ass and shit. I've been wildly successful. I've been making money off of YouTube off that clip.

wildly successful. And you are. You're selling out everywhere you go, adding shows to these comedy club dates. Incredible to think that only, what, three years ago, sleeping in the van? Yeah, not doing anything with my life, being a real Rick Diaz. Now, this is a huge advantage that you have over him. While he's in Brussels...

doing his day job. You get to come here every Monday and just talk shit. Yeah. Oops. You fucked up, bitch. Hans, oh my goodness. Repping the fucking KT Friends and Family 10-year anniversary jacket. You busted it out a little bit early on a 78-degree day. A little bit early.

I love it. Well, like you, it was also made in China. No, I'm kidding. He's Korean, everybody. He's Korean. Have you talked to your parents lately? No, I sent them $1,000 to my mom and that keeps her happy. Wait, you're supporting your parents? Don't they live in Seattle? Yeah, in San Francisco. Same thing.

Why are you sending your mom money? Just to be like, thanks for raising me. Here's like a little loan repayment. You know, I'm repaying her back for raising me. That's nice. That is nice. But you should stop that.

How old are you? 34. Yeah, 34 is a little bit too late to be given a thousand bucks here and there. Well, three years ago I was in a van. I didn't really give her anything. Was she giving you money? Was she supporting you? Yeah, she let me live in her house for five years. She left for Korea. I was alone in this beautiful condo for three years just doing open mics. And that really helped my comedy career. So I just want to repay the investment she made in my stock. Thank you.

Wow. Look at that. A thousand bucks covers that, I'd say, huh? Free living for three years in a condo. Crazy. Here's a thousand bucks. We're even. Send another thousand bucks to San Francisco. They need it right now. Yeah.

Yeah, they really do. What's their situation? Are they rich? Your parents rich? Yeah, my sisters live together. My mom lives with them. You know, she lives in Oakland, California. She recently had a bag stolen from her at a Costco. And can I just do you mind? Yeah, because I thought you said, are you rich? And then I heard him say, yeah.

Then I heard them say, "My sisters live together." And I don't know any rich motherfucking sisters that live together. You know what I'm saying? You said their mom lives with them too? - Yeah. - That ain't rich. That sounds like, you know, communal. - Yeah. - They gotta send a portion back to North Korea. - Everybody pitch in, you know what I mean?

So your sisters live together. What's your dad like? My dad is kind of like... What is that? He's a Korean Santa Claus.

What does that mean, how you just described your dad? He's like lovable. He's sort of like a sitcom dad. He's like, oh, dad, always, you know, doing things that are socially awkward. Like what? Can you give us an example? No. I think raising him. Have you thought about sending your dad a thousand bucks? No. No.

Why is that? My dad is rich. My dad is doing great. He... Is he an engineer? He is a mathematician. Oh, God. Lemon nose. Those guys are always the life of the party. Yeah. He's always, like, farting, like, bubbly farts. Wait a second. What does that mean? Bubbly farts? Like, wet farts? Yeah, very wet farts. Okay. Pfft.

Red band. Jesus Christ. We have a... I mean, we have a... Literally, we're three minutes into the episode and you're busting out your fart board already.

Okay. My dad is great. My mom and him are sort of separated. He lives in Korea alone. Your dad lives in Korea alone? Yeah. What do you think he's doing over there exactly? I hope having lots of sex. Right. I don't know what he's doing. He has a three-bedroom apartment to himself. Everybody else lives together. Your dad's like, fuck all of you. I got plenty of room and nobody's welcome here.

He really is Korean Santa Claus. He is rich. He's got ho-ho-hos. He's a rich asshole. I fucking love it. A rich mathematician in Korea. There's a room for everybody in Korea and nobody's allowed to go. Oh, it's so good, dude. It's amazing. Does your mom have a job? Yeah, she tutors children in math. Oh, my God.

This is the most unbelievable stereotype that I've ever heard. Mathematician and your mom really tutors math? Yeah. If you tell me she can't drive, I'm going to lose my fucking mind. She can drive. She can? Yeah.

Really? How about your sisters? They can drive, but I don't know what they're up to, actually. Yeah, we just got a live feed from their driveway. That's just the driveway, so imagine what's going on when they pull all the way out. Speaking of pulling all the way out...

Your dad, does he have any other kids with any other women? No, it's just us, hopefully. Hopefully. No one would know if he did, right? Yeah. Maybe he sends them away and uses those rooms. No, he seems like he's pretty content. He's got that surgery on his eyes to make them bigger. No way. Yeah. Did he for real? Yeah, he said it was for medical reasons. What medical reasons? Because his eyes were too small. What?

So he literally got the eye opening. They have an eye opening. What do they do? Trim away your eyelids or something? Your eyes really are closed. I mean, it is kind of crazy. I know we've been working together for years, and this is a weird time for me to bring it up, but holy shit. Yeah, this is me. Wow.

My goodness. Have you ever thought about getting the surgery? Yes, I would love to get the surgery. How much does it cost? I don't know. Not that much. $10,000? Can you look up the anti-Asian surgery or whatever it's called? The fucking...

Not the dick lengthening one. Korean eyelid surgery price. My girlfriend wants it too. Oh my God, it really is. $3,100. Oh, I could get that. In Korea, it's only $1,500. You could visit dad, have an eye-opening experience. This is incredible. He's got room for you. He's got two rooms for you.

Amazing, Hans. Well, so much fun. Way to start the episode. You did it again. You're so much fun. Living legend. The great, the powerful Hans Kim. He makes it look easy. I know. I know. It's wild. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. All right. Your first bucket full of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Now, if you don't know, this is where stuff, you know, maybe this is your first time at the show. Maybe you have orange hair and glasses. You know, uh...

This is the part where things can get a little weird, because we don't know these people. We meet them all together, they get a minute, and then we try to figure out what the fuck is going on with their lives. So make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night, Michael Hines, everybody. Michael Hines, and I pre-pulled. How's it going, everyone? Woo! Yeah. I like to keep my cock a little stanky, you know? Mostly because the girls I'm fucking don't wash their fucking box, so I'm trying to return the favor.

If I'm hitting it from the back and I'm catching a little back draft, man, you know, I want her to smell it from the front. Clean it off for me. Come here. Reach underneath. Have a treat. Disgusting. No, but I do like dating handicapped girls. I like dating handicapped women. Mostly because parking near 6th Street is a bitch. But I am partial to the autistic women because they're not typically talkers.

But I will peruse the terminal ward for the occasional babe, you know. You don't get that awkward phone call like, how come you didn't call me back? It just sort of takes care of itself. But you do have to keep a toilet plunger in the back seat because those girls don't have any hair and those broads are rail thin so there's nothing to grab. You gotta be able to... Thank you, that's been my time. Holy shit.

Where do we begin? Oh my god. Michael Hines, welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yes, sir. I would remember you. I saw you last Wednesday right after I got kicked out of the "Queek in the Cave." The "Queek in the Cave"? What kind of speech impediment do you have? Is that from eating stinky pussy? What is that exactly?

I got kicked out of the quake in the quave. Oh my goodness. You have a little bit of a speech impediment, huh? You know, mostly when I'm nervous. You sound like what Hans Kim's eyes look like. It's like something blocking your fucking something. So holy shit. All right, Michael, let's just jump right into it. Dirty dick to return the favor for the dirty pussies that you get so much of somehow, obviously. How much pussy are you getting?

When I first got to Austin, I fucked like five girls in a row, but one of them had a pregnancy scare, and I'm like, I'm not fucking any more girls that I'd be embarrassed to bring home. So that was it. It's been dry for a while. I've never been convinced someone's had sex less than you. It's the lack of sideburns is what's making me feel like... No sideburns, no pussy. That's kind of the rule. It is interesting. It is...

Interesting. There's a lot at the top, nothing on the sides. It is... I got a haircut yesterday. It was down to here up until like yesterday. Okay. And you're like, clean it up, but not really. Leave something weird at the top. Well, I had a comic cut it, so... You what? I had a comic cut it. Oh, okay. That's brilliant.

The honest? That's his credit. He had a comic cut his hair. You look like Dexter. When my hair was longer, I used to get Jeffrey Dahmer a lot, so I had to change the glasses out. I had the same ones. Ah, okay. I don't think you'd be confused with a killer. Yeah.

Yeah. And according to you, you've dealt with more stinky body parts than him. Let's talk about this again. Five girls in a row, Michael Hines. I find that just absolutely impossible to believe. So let's talk about it for a second. Where did you find these five girls? How did that happen? When I moved to Austin, I had sex with five girls in a row, you said. So let's just jump right into it. I want to know where you're finding these fucking absolute, you know...

You know, chicks with no fucking standards. Thank you. Yes, Matt Muehling. Thank you. We took a couple weeks off. I'm a little bit slow right now. A little dusty. Go ahead. Well, I met them all on Tinder and, you know, they were... I'm a veteran and so I wanted a girl to take... You're a veteran? Yeah.

Really? Yeah, well, I needed someone to take with me to IHOP and Applebee's to get all the free meals for Veterans Day. So I had to hop on to Tinder. And, you know, she was a dog, but you gotta take what you can get. You know, beggars can't be choosers. Hold on. Hold on. D-Madness is telling him to stop.

So, if you're a veteran, you get a free meal at IHOP and Applebee's? On Veterans Day. On Veterans Day. Not Memorial Day. We're the ones that fucking dodged that shit, dude. They don't honor us on Memorial Day. Okay, what branch of the military were you in? The Marine Corps. You were in the Marines? What the fuck?

What exactly did you do? I was an air crew. You were what? Air crew. Air crew. I worked on the helicopters. I was supposed to be a door gunner, but I was in California the whole time, so I never really did anything all that cool.

You worked on helicopters. Oh my God. They make it pretty idiot-proof. They have like computers. It's like Lego pieces. You see the screw go in and it's like two sentence summaries of what you have to do. They make it pretty easy. How'd you get on? How'd they let you in then?

I know, man. You served our country with that Karen haircut? For real? It was a little shorter then. You know who he looks like, though? You might know his name. You look like the little elf from the Rudolph movie I watched with my daughter. Oh, my God. The one who wants to be the dentist.

- Oh my God, he does. - Who the fuck wants to be the dentist? That's who you look like. - 100%. - I got a fucking bobblehead of you at home. The Christmas I put out for my daughter. It's solar and it just goes like this and it's you, the one that wants to be the dentist. No shit. - Unbelievable. It is true. You do look like a pitcher for every women's softball team. This is unbelievable. Michael, so how long have you been doing standup?

Like seven months now. What do you do for a living? I'm on unemployment right now, rocking the system, baby. Oh, the taxpayers love to hear that. Hey, guys. Yeah. So let's go back to this one more time. Five girls in a row. But meanwhile, the day that you get Applebee's and IHOP, that's only one day. So you're saying that you went on Tindo to...

to take these girls out for your free meals, but that's only one day. Did you go to IHOP for lunch and Applebee's for dinner? Well, you know, most of them I didn't really want to take out. The first girl kind of looked like the Buc-ee's mascot. Dude, you look like the Buc-ee's mascot. What are you talking about? The second one was like, she was like trailer trash. She was missing, like not all the way, but meth has eaten away a good percentage of the front teeth. And we know you've always wanted to be a dentist. Exactly.

You're perfect for her. There was one really good looking one. Like, I don't know what she was thinking or maybe my pictures are a little deceiving. She thought you were a hot lesbian. She was like a Brazilian girl and she was like a foot taller than me. I only brought her to my house. We had a good time. I brought her home and then she was like, listen, you're really cool, but we're done. So what happened when you took her to your house?

This hot Brazilian chick. Right now, my bed's on the floor, but at the time, I was renting a place with a really high bed frame, so it worked out because I could actually bend her over that. I couldn't quite get up there. That doesn't make sense. That would be the opposite. She liked how tall it was. She was able to kind of show off. She was like an Amazonian queen, dude. It was pretty cool. Why do you think she had sex with you?

I don't know. I guess because Tinder didn't add the height part yet, but now it's pretty much over, dude. I put 5'9", and I'm kind of lying. Oh, yeah. You're definitely lying. 5'8", and a half, maybe. I don't know. 5'7"? 5'7". Yeah, you're getting closer. I'm sticking with 5'8", and I'm going to take it to the grave. Shut up, Michael. Sorry. What do you do for fun?

Tell us something interesting about your life, the history of your life, real quick before we let you go. I used to be a jujitsu instructor for like six years. Uh-huh. And kickboxing. I don't really do it so much in Austin because I don't have a lot of money anymore. But I used to do it for fun. Now I just kind of take my dog out for walks and do comedy. Oh, shit. Oh, my God.

There isn't a single thing that you've said that matches your face and body and personality and voice and hair. But almost everything you've said matches those shorts. My mom got them for me. We had to take a family photo and I didn't have any nice khakis. Oh my God. Well, Michael, congratulations. You know, I believe him.

We have people of all different shapes and sizes on this show, and congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket first. Michael, here's a little joke book for you. There he goes. Michael Hines, everybody. He's leaving here with a gel blaster. The great people over at Gel Blaster. Your next bucket pool, this looks like another new name. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Halima Abshir, everybody. Halima Abshir. We're going to meet them...

Straight out. Here's Halim, everybody. What's going on, guys? My name is Halim. I look like a transitioning boy all the time. I have a resting political discussion face. I look like a walking Twitter argument. Like, most people just assume that I voted for Biden. I've never voted, ever. You know what I did in the last primary? I just watched Steve Harvey.

Yeah, I just laid on my couch going, what yo ass say? Yo ass is going to hell. I love Steve. I think he should be our next president. Vice President Herschel Walker. You're not with me? President Trump. Vice President Herschel Walker. That's the America that I want to see. Secretary of State, Kanye. All right. Has that been a minute? 52 seconds. Okay, I guess she is done. Halima Abshir, everybody. Thank you.

Oh, yeah. Welcome. Hey. Very funny. Resting political face. Hilarious. How long you been doing stand-up? Four and a half years. Four and a half years. Where at? Columbus. Columbus, Ohio. Yeah. Beautiful. That is the hometown of Brian Redman. That is indeed where we all went to college. Yeah.

You were born and raised there? Yeah. Ethiopian? Somali. Oh, Somali. Okay. Very cool. Yeah. I was on the show back in 2019. In Columbus? Yeah. Okay. And it was like you were really young. It was like your first or second time or something? I was like eight months in. I was like 20. Yeah. Awesome. I do remember you. Awesome. Red Band always remembers the young ladies no matter what.

I was heavy back then too. I was like 220. Wow. How'd you lose the weight? Just calories and calories out. There you go. That's how you do it, Red Band. There you go. I ate two chocolate croissants yesterday. I don't give a fuck. I ate two chocolate croissants yesterday. Oh shit. It's all about math, baby. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Okay. Have you ever had any other kind of croissants? Or do you stick with your own kind? Ha ha!

What do you do for a living? I'm a barista. I was fired yesterday. Whoa, very cool. Yeah, I was overqualified for the job. I worked in like specialty coffee for like four years because of stand-up and then got fired yesterday. Okay. And that's why you took the croissants. Well, I was very glad I did when I got the call. I was like, man, I really deserve this one.

Yeah. When they fired you, were you like, Sama leave? Sama leave. That's a good pun. Sama leave? That's a good pun. All right. It kind of worked. I liked it. Thank you. And you're Somali, so your vote is the one that counts. So what did you do to get fired exactly? Giving discounts to regulars. Ooh. Yeah, which is a part of the purpose of the building. It's... Yeah.

one of those Berkshire Hathaway type things. Okay. They're just like, oh, they paid us to like open up a coffee shop here and everyone that lives here gets 15% off. I was going to ask you, what were you giving them? 15% or were you giving them like 65? Oh, I was giving them 15. And they fired you for that? Yeah. Oh, well, fuck them then. Yeah, that's okay. That's a latte to take in. Other good pun. Let's go, dude. Puns for the wit. Puns for the wit. It's

The ten year, ten and a half year anniversary of that joke being made on this show, everybody. Brian Redband bringing it back.

Oh, my God. So they fired you for something that is a normal thing that you're supposed to do. Did you say that to your manager when they tried to fire you? It was just a phone. I knew when I got the phone call I was going to be fired for something. I don't know why. I just expect bad shit to happen all the time. That is so weird because normally someone like you is the person that doesn't get fired even if they did their job right. I know.

I was stealing hoodies from them. Nowadays, they need people like you. They must have some trans person they have to hire at the coffee shop because they're like next in there. Here's the problem. I make latte art every single time. Every time. I'm a killer at it. All the non-binaries oversteam. It's ugly. It's foam. Right. Bitch, that's a cappuccino. That's a gigantic cappuccino, you fat fuck. Right. Right.

Right. Absolutely. So I need a nine to five or something. Yeah. What are you going to do? What's your method of survival? You live here now? I'm good for like November. Good till November. All right. One of my favorite Wyclef Jean songs. You could always hijack ships.

That is true. That's out there. Go to Somalia, bomb a little bit, make a little cash, come back. Make them coffee. Go down there and make them coffee. I am the cappuccino now. So...

What are your skills? What could we possibly hire you for? If there's a lot of, you know, the economy here in Austin's booming. How long have you lived here? Like two months. Okay. I'm a people person. I could small talk. People person. I bake bread. I could cook well. Okay. Like I'll cook the shit out of vegetables. I mean, any which way. Beurre Blanc. All types of sauces. Dark roux, light roux, whatever you want. Okay.

Why'd you say the dark one first? Because I don't... It's a real theme here with you. Chocolate croissants. It's Austin. Black coffee. I don't see a lot of black people anymore, so I have to think of black people to feel like I'm black. Now you know how Dee Madness feels. Thanks, Tom. You're welcome, Dee. Okay. What else other than cooking? Give us another skill or talent.

I'm trying to figure out. I was getting like $500 a month from standup before I moved here. That was a skill. How were you doing that? Good.

Just, you know, like Thursday. No, all over Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana. Okay. You know, driving. Yeah, that's probably not going to happen. Yeah, it's not. I don't know. Yeah. Is there anybody hiring out there? Any business owners hiring? Clap your hands. Come on. Who needs vegetables cooked? I've done sales. I've done sales. Who needs the shit cooked out of their vegetables? Somebody out there needs it. I've tutored math. Not right now. Always switching gears. All right, Hans's mom.

We see what's going on over here. I did go to Kumon for like 10 years. You went to what? Kumon. What's that? It's like some math learning place. It's just extra homework. Okay. That's just what it is. It's a lot of Asian people gathering to make their kids do more homework. That's... Wow. Some people make...

Damn, that's interesting. They didn't have that in Youngstown. Right? Yeah, definitely not. You are correct. Quite the opposite. Okay, well, I guess we're not going to find you a job. One more time, any business owners out there? Clap your hands. Wow, no one...

No one looking for a Somali barista that gives away discounts to people that should get them. This is a real, that's a real glimpse of Texas, everybody. For those of you watching on the internet, there are guaranteed so many business owners here right now. What do you do for a living, sir? I'm an accountant. You just lied. Did you hear that pause?

I don't have any employees. It started with the first alphabetical fake job you could come up with. I am an aardvark. I mean an accountant. Um...

Holy shit. That's what I love about Texas. You don't get extra points for affirmative action. That is true. We don't need you guys. That is true. Love it. I'm looking at our sponsors here. I can't work for Connect Mobile Health because they're nurses. You can't work for Austin Pools because you can't swim. I can swim.

Tony, what does that mean? ♪ It means no worries ♪ Okay, now that's racist, Red Band. That is wrong. Well, Halima, sign up for the show again. You're very, very funny. You're leaving here with a big joke book, cool as fuck with an alien on it, mothership theme, the bones, the eye of the great Bones Eye. Halima, it's coming at ya.

Halima. All right, I'll hand it to you. There you go. Hell yeah. Great stuff, Halima. How about one more time for Halima Abshir, everybody? That's what it's all about. Thank you.

Okay, now this is very exciting. I pulled your third name out of the bucket and there is an I next to it in parentheses, which means this bucket pool is inside of the room, ladies and gentlemen. This is one of you representing you, the audience. Usually it's a first timer. Let's see what happens here. Ladies and gentlemen.

Miguel Gonzalez, everybody. How about that? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. We met this guy during the commercial break. Oh, my God. We're in trouble now. Hey, what up, everybody? Opening line. Hey, what's up, y'all? Hey! I could do his entire 60 seconds right now. Yeah, let's get Mike Feeney another drink, whatever he's having. Hell yeah.

Alright, one more time for your very own Miguel Gonzales! Alright everybody, so I nicknamed my booty hole Shrek, 'cause I stay having swamp ass. Just like Shrek, he doesn't want anyone in his swamp. But just like Donkey, my lady refuses to listen and tries to stick her finger in there. But we all know in the end though, Shrek ultimately loves Donkey's company. And there's even sweet sequels. That is it. Alright.

Dude, what the fuck? More, more, more, more. That is it. What the fuck was that? 20 seconds of your butthole Shrek hybrid jokes? Yeah. Written on a full-length napkin? Yeah. Where were you when you wrote that? I was at work, like...

I don't know, when we buy tickets, like 20, like two months ago? Two months ago you wrote that, you wrote 20 seconds of material two months ago and you're like, with the laughter, this will be good. In my head. This will be 60 seconds for sure, yo. These people have no idea how funny Shrek and buttholes are combined. Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, so... Wait, what? Paul, what'd you just say to this guy? I'm a pro.

Oh, yeah. Put the microphone up to your mouth. Yeah. So when I wrote this, I had it like I was going to say it slower, but I'm up here. I'm nervous. And I just ran right through it. That was never going to be a minute. You actually sped through that. Yeah, that would have never been. Yeah. Very nervous being up here.

I can't imagine how wet your ass must be right now. I mean, knowing the little bit that we know about you and the situation that you're in right now. This Texas weather has been bad. Yeah, that's crazy because it is autumn right now. Yeah.

No doubt about it. Where do you live, Miguel? 40 minutes outside of Los Angeles. You performed at the Ontario Improv. Yes. Ontario is the answer. Okay, very good. When I say Ontario, it's always Canada. No one thinks you're Canadian. Canada. Canada. Canada. Canada. Canada. Canada. Canada.

Write that into that act. Canadia. Write that on that act. I'll buy you another couple seconds. Hey, I'm from Canadia. Canadia. I had to jump the wall to get here. My parents did.

Your what? My parents did. Your parents did. Absolutely. Yeah. Did they ever tell you that story? Honestly, they didn't jump it. They drove right across. Oh, okay. Beautiful. Shout out to the Border Patrol. Yes, thank you. Thank you so much. Which, coincidentally, that's my cousin, Border Patrol. Your cousin's in the Border Patrol. What do your parents think about that?

They don't really care. Right. He let them in. He opened the door. Exactly. Exactly. He's the door guy. Yeah. Yeah. What do you do for work, Miguel? I drive big rigs. You what? Drive big rigs. Okay. Yeah. All right. That's where that swamp ass is coming from. Exactly. Exactly. So you wrote that two months ago. Yeah. And you've kept it on that napkin the entire time. No, I wrote this in the hotel.

Okay. But it's been in my head since, yeah, those two months. You had it memorized. Kind of. And in the hotel, you're like, give me a napkin.

Well, I knew I was going to completely forget it. So I was like, I'm going to need to write this down. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What do you do for fun? Tell us a fun fact about your life, Miguel. I used to play hockey, but I love going to like concerts. Wait, you used to play hockey? I used to play hockey. No fucking way. Just like adult league though. Not professional, obviously. Oh, definitely. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Obviously. This guy gives us a bunch of information we don't need. Ontario, you'll never believe it. California, not Canada. Yeah.

Yes, I played hockey, not professionally. Yeah, obviously. Wow, unbelievable. Goalie? No, forward. Okay. And you played hockey. Hockey, yes. How did that go for you? How did you learn hockey? Through a friend. He just kind of... I went to go watch him, and then it was cool watching him. He told me to just buy all my gear, so I did. That is so weird. Normally Mexicans hate ice.

Yeah. That's great. Yes, it was. Absolutely. So other than hockey, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that?

No, just hockey. What's your love life like? Girlfriend's over there. Is that the orange hair woman? That's her. Wow, orange hair. Wow, look at that. Yeah. Very interesting. Did she prepare material for this? No, no chance, right? Absolutely not. No. So did you run that Shrek material by her? Not really, but kind of my

brother but no she's saying no aggressively actually not really no so you didn't know that when he got up here he was going to point right at you and tell everybody you play with his swampy ass you didn't you didn't sign off on that oh that was new to you too oh look at that we're all in this together yeah how about that oh yeah i like that how long have you two been together

Well, 15 years. Wow. Look at that. You guys have kids? No, no, no. Why do you say it like that? Because I don't want kids. We don't want kids at all. You said it like you're from Ontario, Canada. No, no kids. We don't want any. None. Okay. What do you do? You have a pull-out method?

Plan B. Plan B? You just have her taking a bunch of Plan B? Well, no. I mean, pull out for the most part, but when I do, yeah. Dude, what kind of Mexican are you? You play hockey and you don't want kids. What is that? Never heard of that in my life.

That is incredible. Opposite of a Mexican. I guess shit talked a lot for that, trust me. This Plan B thing is so interesting to me because I don't hear that very often. That's not like a normal thing that, hey, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Plan B. How many times do you think you've had this poor woman take Plan B? At least once a month. Once a month? There's got to be like... This weekend, literally this weekend.

He's going like, "Cut it out." Have you guys-- have you ever heard of birth control? - Yeah. - She was on it, but she took it-- You could take it less than once a month. She was on it, but she just got off of it. - Wow. - This poor lady. She's over there going, "Shut the fuck up." - This is incredible. - Shut up. No, not at all.

This is unbelievable. You get this Plan B from just a local drugstore or do you get it illegally sent in from Mexico? Costco, Planned Parenthood. What is it? Costco and Planned Parenthood. Costco? Yeah, it's illegal here. You get it in bulk? He needs it in bulk, yeah. He needs it in bulk. This motherfucker...

I'm going to need at least 12 to 24 of them. Costco has plan B for real. Oh, that membership just went up like a motherfucker in this room. They take it up with a forklift on a pallet. I don't know what the hell's going on with this plan B, but goddamn. You asked for the Mexican size. Plan Bean. Plan Bean.

Miguel, any other fun facts about you before we let you go? No. How does it feel up here? It is... I can't even dream of this. I can't... I don't know. This is just wild to me. Yeah. You know what? You know what? You know what? Your performance was so good. I'm going to let you come inside of your girlfriend here. Okay.

Here's a little joke book. There you go. You're going to be taking Plan C tonight, girl. You're going to be taking Plan C. There he goes. One more time for the inside zone, Miguel Gonzalez, everybody. He was heckling during the commercial break that we took, by the way. A little fun fact. And it's always fun to see how...

those that heckle end up doing on stage when they get up here. And that was a perfect example. 20 seconds of absolute fucking sludgy, wet underwear material by Miguel Gonzalez. And you never know who you're going to get out of the bucket. We found your next comedian out of the bucket just a few months ago. And...

Immediately, he was the fastest ever comedian from bucket pool to regular after only one performance. His next performance, his first time as a regular, was at the 10-year anniversary show where he famously said that he's not retarded, but he loves rocks, which over...

I believe 500 million people have heard about since then. He's an absolute sensation. We fucking love him. Here's a brand new minute from the future. Cam Patterson, everybody. I love you too, bitch. So I don't get money now, and that's pretty cool. You know what I'm saying? I get money pretty cool, but I got to pay taxes.

So you know what that mean, right? I'm going to jail. When I had a regular job, right, they would take the money out for me and then give me more money back at the end of the year. That's beautiful. Now that I'm a comedian, they give me all the money. Tell Uncle Sam, come get that shit back in blood, nigga. Fuck you. You know that?

What's crazy about my life right now is that I gotta start reading YouTube comments because I get a lot of good ones, you know what I'm saying? Y'all look great, but some of the mean ones, them bitches hurt, dog. Like, I had a really good comment, and right under it was a really bad one. A really good comment said, "I think Cameron Patterson's a young star. He's gonna be great in comedy." And then he also said, "I also think he's gonna be a great father." Real shit. "I also think he's gonna be a great father when he has kids." And the comment right under it said, "I completely disagree."

I'm a time camp and I appreciate y'all. Amazing. That is how it is done. A brand new minute, hot and ready for Cam Patterson. What's up with the body? Come on, man. Game body, nigga. We outside, nigga. What's up, man? What's up? What's up with you, baby? Super white. How you doing, brother? Come on, man.

This the whitest nigga on earth, bro. That's beautiful. - We're the opposites, bro. - No, 100%. Hell yeah. Damn, I like you a good dude, bro. - Thanks, man. - You drive a Subaru? - No. - You know what, though? He could help you with those taxes. - Most definitely. - He could help you with those taxes. - I know a guy, I know a guy. - We got an accountant over here in the crowd, too. Right there, right there. Doesn't own the business, though. Doesn't own it. - You don't own the business? My dog needs your help. Fuck, nigga, where was you at?

I will listen to it. I love it. So you don't have an accountant yet? Nah, nah, nah. What's the name of your firm, Mr. Real Accountant Guy? Oh, you don't have a firm. Oh. Ah, who would have guessed? What the fuck? He does drive a Subaru. His friend just threw him under the bus. He just shit himself. Oh no, oh shit. Oh God.

Cam Patterson with another fantastic minute. And it's true. You are making money now. You're doing it. I know for a fact that you were just in L.A. all week taking meetings with all the biggest agencies in the world. I mean, really big deal. They are all literally right now.

Competing. Lying to Cam Patterson about what they can do for him. It was funny because I always wanted to be an athlete when I was a kid, so I just acted like I was on a recruitment visa. Like, y'all want me to play for USC? No problem. I can do that. Most definitely. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It is a lot like that. So tell us about it. How was it? It was cool. I mean, it was cool. Everybody talking to me and shit. It was real nice. I just did Phoenix with David. Nice. That was dope. I fought the bodybuilder later.

Oh, you did? Yeah, that was pretty fucking crazy, though. Yeah, tell us about it. It was scary because I didn't know if she was a lady for real at first. So I had to go to her Instagram and scroll through some pictures, you know what I'm saying, and find out what she was before. And she was a lady, 100%. But like 30 seconds in, we were fucking, she was like, she was like, I was fucking a missionary. And she thought I was trying to choke her, but I was just feeling for her Adam's apple. Couldn't.

That's a smart move. It's a smart move. Yeah. That's a good move. Because if you get out 30 seconds in, my nigga, you good. That's not gay. That's not gay at all, 30 seconds in. You do a whole minute, you gay as fuck. You know what I mean? She was indeed a lady, and I liked it. I had a good time.

Wow. Shout out to you, you know what I'm saying? You was a dope lady. So she was very strong. She was strong as shit. She was strong as fuck. Did she use any of this strength in the bed with you? She picked me up. Nigga, she picked me up, bro. And she's funny. I was like, we having a good time. I was really enjoying myself, you know what I'm saying? I like strong bitches now. They cool. Strong bitches are cool, yeah.

Oh, Mr. Scrum Vincit. Oh my God. I forgot how much I love hosting the show. You weren't even going to mention the fact that she picked you up had I not asked that question. Not at all. I wouldn't put it in that shit. That's embarrassing. What part was it? Were you like... We were in Missionary, dog. She was on her fucking back.

She just bench pressed you. Oh, I'm back! She bench pressed you. I'm trying to see it. I'm trying to see it. You look like Superman up there. I was having so much of a good... I was like, this is pretty dope, dog. This gonna be pretty cool, man. Wait, can I ask? I really have serious questions. When we say strong, you say bodybuilder. Is she yoked? Did she have boobs or did she have all muscle? No, she had boobs. Have you seen The Rock?

Like The Rock? Yeah, that's it. That was kiddish. A lady, she looked like that, that jack? Yeah. She wasn't that big, but you know what I'm saying? Yeah, but she was yoked. She was up there, bro. She was up there, bro. She had got that. What's this right here? Traps. Oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness. I seen that at the show and I just seen her titties. All I saw were titties. I was like, oh, them titties are perfect. Now, were they real? Yeah, they were fake titties. Fake titties. Yeah, the bodybuilders tend to have the fake titties. Could you feel like the pec muscle underneath there? Nah, I was sucking on them bitches, I'll tell you that much. Absolutely. Got some muscle milk coming out of that. Getting that protein for the day. Little baby Cam getting big.

24 grams, dude. I love it. So did she spend the night at your hotel? Oh, she got the fuck out of there. She was the game plan. Right. She was the game plan. I fought with her, though. Shout out to you, you know what I'm saying? Did it feel different? Oh, it was pussy. It was dead pussy. Just regular pussy. Was it tighter? Was it muscular? Nah, nah, nah. It was pussy. I know pussy. Yeah. I know pussy. Yeah. Did you go down on her at all? Fuck no. Nah, she would have killed me, nigga. Like the fuck?

- Brushing her head, yeah. - Nigga, she would've murdered me, dog. - Like those video of the women that squeeze the watermelon between their thighs? - She would've done-- - I would've came back with brain damage, nigga. - Yeah, dog.

Oh my goodness. Unbelievable. So you and David Lucas did Phoenix together. Yeah, we sold it out. You guys went out black to black. That's fun. And what was that? Stand Up Live? Nah, the Tip Improv. Okay. Another one of the best comedy clubs in the country. Yeah, that shit was dope. I really enjoyed it. Not better than this. This is the best place in the world. You feel what I'm saying? Yeah. It was definitely dope though. It was a good time. Good time.

We're going to have fun this week. Philly. Yeah, my mama coming. Oh, I love it. To Philly? Yeah, it's her first time seeing me do a theater. Oh, amazing. Does she live in Philly? No, no, no. She's based out of Philly, so she's going to be there. Nice. That's great. I love it. I always love meeting your family members. There's always a lot of them that come to the shows. Yeah.

My dad got 12 brothers and sisters, dog, so they live everywhere. Yeah. So he like, come on, your cousin got a car. I ain't seen a nigga since I was three. You feel what I'm saying? Yeah. You don't know me, nigga. But it's cool. I fuck with it. Does your mom have a lot of siblings, too? Nah. She's a flight attendant, huh? Very interesting. Has she always done that your whole life? Whole life, yeah. So she's...

busy a lot, gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. And what's your relationship like with her? Oh, she's my mama. We locked in, you feel me? Right. She a white lady at heart, but we locked in. Now, that's interesting. That's very interesting. When you say she's a white lady at heart, what exactly do you mean by that? Talk like a white lady, you feel me? Ooh. Yeah. Okay. I don't know how this happened with me, but, you know, talk just like a white lady, but I love it. We locked in. That's my mama, you feel me saying? Hey, mama, we on TV.

Aww, how sweet. Or ask David Jolly to say, "National television, bitch!"

I love that. That is so cool. So she's going to be there in Philly and then we go to Youngstown and then Cincinnati. Yeah, yeah. Very fun. Very exciting stuff. What else is going on? Anything else you have coming up that you want to plug? Shit, I'm doing the Hollywood Improv, the Viva 28th. That'd be cool. Hell yes, that'd be dope. Awesome. Awesome. And the shirts are flying.

Wow, that shit look demonic. I left it where it was. It's just a random pale heckler in the audience asking Cam if he still has his rock, everybody. There he is. Shut the fuck up. I'll stone your ass, nigga. Oh, he does have rocks on him. There they are. There they are, the very famous rocks. Absolutely. A whole pocket full of them. Yeah, this one's from Alaska. Where you from? Alaska.

Where I'm from. Buddy, where I'm from, where people have rocks in their pockets, they're trying to kill themselves. That's usually how that goes. They walk right into the river with rocks in their pockets. What the fuck? For real? It weighs you down. Oh, that's terrifying. Yeah, yeah. You don't have to worry about it, I feel like. Yeah. Cam, do you know how to swim? Yeah, I can swim. Hell yeah. Yeah, perfect. When I was a kid, my mom used to throw me into the water and let me drown. Oh, she really is a white lady. Yeah.

Cam, you're a fucking superstar. I mean, it's unbelievable the caliber of comedy that you do every week. So fucking fun. Unbelievable. The man, the myth, the legend. There he is. We're going to have more fun later. Make some noise one more time for Cam Patterson, everybody. Come on. All right.

Okay, I do believe this guy's been on the show a few times back in the day. He's back. Here's a new minute from Connor Nutt, everybody. Connor Nutt. Here we go. Here he is. Make some noise for Connor, everyone. Oh, shit! What's up, mothership? Hell yeah. I'm in a good mood. I had a one-night stand this weekend, and yeah.

I got the awesome compliment. I woke up in her bed the next morning. She was like, Connor, gotta be honest with you. Last night, that was really impressive. You're the first man to make me have an orgasm from missionary position. And y'all, I gotta be honest, that shit fixed 90% of my mental health issues, guys. It's all sunshine and rainbows up here, dude. Ladies, if your man's going through a hard time, just say that, you know? Even if you're lying, we're not gonna follow up. You're good. Yeah. Yeah.

I was so happy. I left her place. First thing I did when I got home is I took the toaster out of my bathtub. And then I called my therapist and told him he's fired. He never told me shit half that dope, dude. It's just good to have a nice, like, positive hookup. Like, one-night stands are always a bad idea. A few weeks ago, I tried the same thing. Took home this girl for raspy voice. Thought it'd be all right. No, it felt like I was fucking Steve-O from Jackass.

All right, that's my time. I'll thank you guys. Why? Why did it feel like you were Steve-O from Jackass? She had a really raspy voice. I kind of, the joke ends with, I was trying to be sexy with her. I was hitting it from behind. I was like, hey, you like that? And she just turned around and went, yeah, dude. Kind of felt like fucking her like that. All right, that's a...

I guess that's a Steve-O impression. All right, Connor. Welcome. Welcome to the show. How are you? I'm good. How are you, Tony? Good. How long have you been doing stand-up for? Two and a half years now. Two and a half years. All of it here in Austin? Yes, sir. How's it been going for you? Been going great, man. Yeah. What's going on with it? Tell us some highlights. Let's see. I'm hosting for Craig Gass this weekend. I've got sort of my own show this year. I've been doing that monthly at Roscoe's on the east side. Okay.

Roscoe's? Yes, sir. Is that a chicken and waffles place? No. It's behind Via 313. It's the new club in town. Okay. Another new comedy club. Yes, sir. Amazing. Okay. How do you make your money, Connor? I work at a local boot store on South Congress. Boot store? Yes, sir.

Okay. Is it Allen's? It's down the block. It's called Heritage. Oh, I love Heritage boots. I'm a regular customer there. Do you know that? Yes. Kimber talks about you. That's right. Kimber's the shit. That's actually where I got my wallet as well. Look at this. Custom made. There's a skull and a dollar sign on a coffin and it's red on the inside. Oh, it's filled with credit cards and cash. Anyway, so let's talk about it, Connor. How's Austin treating you? What do you do with him?

What do you do for fun? I go to a lot of concerts here. Okay. Yeah. All right. Just saw Avenged Sevenfold. A lot of metal and rock shows, so I saw Avenged Sevenfold. Yeah, it's cool. Oh, wow. A lot of Avenged Sevenfold fans that have wet asses. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, like the coolest thing I'd say like I've gotten from like working, I used to work at Vulcan if you remember. Yeah. I just got to see Kiss there a year ago for Formula One. It was like a private show so I got paid to see that. That was awesome. Amazing. Yeah. Amazing. Okay, so tell us something exciting about your life. You still have all the energy of a glass of water. So we're trying to figure out. Yeah, I don't know. I just do a lot of, go to a lot of fun events. Like I just went to like the Stroh's game in Houston yesterday

We're getting our ass kicked right now. We're not going to the World Series. Let's talk about this, Connor. You're talking about a bunch of things that get natural applause breaks from the audience. Hey, I like breathing oxygen. Anybody else? Gotta support the troops. Anybody like pasta?

Who likes to fuck? Yeah. Don Barrett. So, okay. But what I'm asking is like, what's something personal to you? Like something interesting about you, Connor? I can play the guitar. I'd spent a lot of my life doing that. You can play the guitar? Yes, sir. Really? Can you really play the guitar? Yes, sir. What do you do when you play the guitar? Do you sing? No, I'm not a very good singer. So like if, let's say that there's a girl that you really liked and there was a guitar plugged in, you would just play the guitar? Mm-hmm.

And he wouldn't sing? No, I mean, I don't sing very well, no. Like, for her, I would never perform sing, but if it was around for a girl, maybe. If this song was in the right key. Are you really good at guitar? I can play some difficult songs, yes. Really? Yes. Matt, what do you think? Do you think this guy could play a difficult song? He's what?

Okay, all right. Matt says Connor's a homie. How many of you want to hear Connor play guitar here in the live music capital of the world? Let's see what happens here. It can't be less interesting. Right, exactly. Anything is better than him answering questions. In a one-word answer. Yeah, he's got six strings to deal with here.

So let's see what happens here. His last name is Nut, everybody. N-U-T-T. Can't make that up. It is without a doubt the funniest thing about him. And here he goes. He has the hair of a guy that can play guitar. He has the build of a guy that can play guitar. ♪

I'm not impressed. You gotta do better than that. Okay, there you go. Finger it. Finger it, you faggot. It seems like he was losing at Guitar Hero. Yeah, it's like if this was Guitar Hero, it would be like... And the crowd would be like...

You suck. Like, you're missing so many keys. It's incredible. But you know what I mean? It's okay. It's all right. I mean, you gave it your all, I think. It could be your all. There's Ds. The band tried to back you up. They tried to protect you. So, Connor, here we are. We're finding out all the things that you're not good at. Um...

Is there anything else that you think you're good at that you're not good at? Let's go through the whole rigmarole here. Can you kinda jump rope? Kinda jump rope. I'll start jumping this mic stand. What do you think your third biggest talent is? I almost said comedy. Wow. What's first then? Uh, gosh, man. This is a good question. I'm kind of freezing. Okay.

Selling boots. Selling boots, man. Yeah. Indeed. Well, I think what we learned here is that those boots are made for walking. Yeah.

There he goes, Connor Nutt. You've gotten a joke book before, right? - No, this is my first time. - Never? All right, here you go, my friend. Boom, Connor Nutt, everybody. And the beat goes on. Did we get them yet? Oh, there it is, that's sweet. All right, this looks like an interesting name. Let's see what happens. Are you guys still having fun out there, huh? Anything can happen, you know?

Our next regular, a golden ticket winner, could be right around the corner. Or you end up with a con or not. You know what I mean? Anything can happen. All right, your next comedian out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Gent Jones, everyone. Gent Jones. Here we go. The beat goes on with Gent Jones. Yes. Yes.

This is my very first time on Kill Tony, and I'm excited to be here. I ain't gonna lie, I didn't expect to get called. I had my mind set to set my alarm. Like, let me see how long they take in between me and the next guy so I can go step outside. That didn't happen. I got called up right away. I'm like, oh shit, this is it. This is fucking it. Thank you. Let's talk about the elephant in the room. I got a disability on my left side, as you can see.

It's crazy how it happened. Happened in middle school. I feel like I was a threat and God was like, "Give that nigga kryptonite." I was fucking Superman. I was a menace. He knew I was gonna be a menace. So with that, it makes dating hard because I can't defend my girl for getting into a scrap because when that shit happen and we get jumped, we getting jumped. I got a strong right, but a weak left. Once they catch that baby, that's it. You better run and get home. If you can't, call 911. They may come looking for me, depending on your description.

But tell them, "No, officer. The phone call was made for me." It is them over there. You know, they non-binary nowadays. Green hair and tattoos. But yeah, that's my time, y'all. I'm Jen Jones.

Okay, Gent Jones. So what exactly is the restriction there? What is that? What happened to you? I had a brain tumor in middle school. Going into, I think it was eighth or seventh grade. Right. Shit was crazy. I was about to play sports, get on basketball. Then I'm like, fuck, plans have changed.

Oh my goodness. So were you able to, what's the restriction? Can you lift it up? What is it? Does it just kind of stay stiff like that? Let me throw something at you. I'm stiff because I'm on stage, but I work at the fucking airport. I throw bags. Wait, you met me? What'd you say? I said it's stiff now because I'm on stage and I work at the airport. So that gives you an answer. I can throw bags. You throw bags at the airport? I work for American Airlines, so. Oh, that's why my bags end up going missing all the time. Oh no, sorry, sorry.

If my job is watching this, I place your bags until the plane will care. Oh my goodness. That is incredible. Every other bag. Oh yeah, every other bag getting it. But if it's Tony's bag, special treatment.

Holy shit. So when you get nervous, it kind of stiffens up? That's the crazy thing, bro. It stiffens up all the fucking time. I can't even spit game without it stiffening up. I got to come up with something. Wow. So if a police officer's like, put your fucking hands up right now. Officer, this is the best I can do. I'll tell you one funny story. I got pulled over by the cops with my friends one time. We said, open your hand.

Sir, I can't. Yeah. Do you try to explain it as fast as you can? I had a brain tumor when I was seven. Please don't fucking shoot me. Oh, every time. Because they don't want to hear it. Right. While I'm talking, they place me in the car. I'm like, all right, here's the story. Yeah. Unbelievable. So, wow. Because you look like Chappelle Lacey with MS. That's what you look like. That would be even funnier if I knew who that was. It kind of does, though.

You don't know Chappelle Lacey? I'm a little too young for you, man. That's okay. You got to look him up. That's all right. You don't have to know everybody. You're a comedian, so you got to be a student of the game. Go look up Chappelle Lacey. He's great. I studied Daisy Pell, Cal Williams, Richard Pryor, Patrice O'Neal, God bless his soul. Yeah. There's more than four, but...

Oh, my bad. There's Bill. Some curms. You should look up some curms. You guys, there's Bill Burr, too. He's hilarious. I love Bill Burr. One white guy. Trust me, you're going to like Chappelle Lacey. I'm going to look him up just for you. You look just like him. Thank you. That's not racist. You're very similar to him. Is it the receding hairline? Is that what it is? No, I don't think he has a receding hair. Look, you have soft eyes. You have a nice smile. Wow.

All right? Soft eyes. You got soft eyes and a nice smile. Ladies, take notes. You look like a kind soul. You look like a kind soul. I'm the guy you can bring home to your parents. Right. But I also worry that get you fired up, this arm right here could be a fucking death hammer. Yeah. You know what I mean? You know what's crazy? You know when puberty hit, you tried to masturbate? I tried to do something with my left. It didn't go as planned. Ha ha!

Are you a lefty? It's like doing it with a stranger. I ain't gonna lie. Can you write? Are you a lefty or are you a righty? I was trying to be dual. What do they call it? Ambidextrous. Yeah, I was trying to do that when I was younger. And then God took you down for trying to do that. He's like, hey, hey, hey. I don't do miracles. I take the colors too. It's all good. Can you jerk off with that hand? I can place it on an object and attempt to jerk off. Yeah.

What's your love life like? Do you have a girlfriend? Just good boy. I have tried dating. It doesn't go as planned, especially when they don't know if my dick can work. I got to explain that to them all the time. Right. You're like, I have two stiff things. That's okay. Well, it can get stiff, but you know. But I always explain with this twig and two berries, I can still pop cherries, so...

I can still slang, but I never got that close to an opportunity to put it down. So I just, you know, wait impatiently till my time comes. Absolutely. You're a virgin? Is that what you're saying? You openly admit you're a virgin. You don't want to even know that story. Yeah, we do. Yes, we do. That's the only thing I want to know. What are you talking about? Lead with that. Well, since we on live, I'll put it like this. I got some sympathy pussy. Okay, let's talk about it. Go ahead.

It was an older woman at a bar. Older woman at a bar. I was struggling, spitting. I was struggling and spitting game. Yeah. She didn't care to know my name. And I was... One thing led to another. And child, that's how I met your mother. Unbelievable.

My goodness. No, I wrapped it up so I don't have a kid unless it's in a condom. How much older was she? How old are you? I ain't gonna lie, the next age. But she was up to... Like 60s? Oh, no, no, no. She wasn't grand, but she was up to... I was like... 50s? Yeah, probably. Yeah.

Sorry, mom and dad. Have you ever, you have any other like hobbies or anything like that? I like editing photos and videos in my spare time like I did today. If you worked with videos, I would guess that you'd be one of the tripods that hold up. You know what's crazy? I said I like editing videos, but I can't hold a camera for shit if you already know why. But yeah, I do have a camera though.

I thought you said I can't hold a candle. You better not with that motherfucker. That's what I thought you said. I'm like, what? That's funny. I can blow it out. I can blow out a candle. Yeah, I do make birthday wishes. Thank goodness. What else are you into? What else do you do for fun? I like to go on walks all the time. Oh, yes. Three mile walks if possible. I'm trying to lose weight. This is my come up period. It's my winter arc as we call it on TikTok.

I'm trying to get my body in shape, so when summer hit, I could sling that dick. Right, right. That's the goal. I don't think that's the only thing you need to sling for. Hey, I set myself up for that one.

I love it, Jen. Very, very interesting. How long have you been doing stand-up again? I've been doing it on and off for quite a while, but I actually took it seriously when I came here to Austin. When was that? Like last year. I was like, fuck it, I'm sorry, don't stand up again. I was scared to do it because, you know, Council Culture got big, everybody getting attacked left and right, Twitter was fucking huge. Well, if anybody's going to tell you, it's not the left and the right, it's the right that they would attack with you. Yeah, it's the right and the right. I will tell you. It's the right.

The moment Elon Musk took over Twitter, I'm like, "Oh shit, it's my chance." I went for it. - Yep, 'cause no one knows about hating the left wing more than you. - Trust me, I know. They never had my back.

- Jen Jones, welcome to Kill Tony. Honestly, normally I'd give you a little joke book, but I just wanna see if you can catch this. - Don't do that! - You guys ready? - Jen Jones! - Yeah! The place goes wild. The energy here is amazing. One more time for Jen Jones, everybody.

Give him a hand, perhaps a left hand. He needs one really badly. Yeah, of course. Gent Jones, everybody. Come on. One more time for Gent, everyone. All right, we're getting through it here.

This is an interesting name. I bet this person's funny. I could totally be wrong, but it's a funny name I've never heard of before. I would know it if I've seen it. Make some noise. Let's all watch for the first time together. 60 seconds from Dewey Rice. Dewey Rice. Jeff Jones to Dewey Rice. How's it going, everybody? So...

I've come to realize I am way too good at desensitizing myself to stuff. Everybody is these days with all the beheading videos and porn or whatever, but I do it with real life situations, like jacking off in my car. I had to live in my car for six months, and it is disgusting how quick I became okay with that. It was really just one day of me being like, oh, should I do it? What's going on? And then I just squeezed one onto the floor. LAUGHTER

I rubbed it in like I was putting out a cigarette. And I was like, "Oh, it's that easy. It's that easy." I also got really good at pissing in bottles. I let those bake sometimes. But yeah, anyways, for work, I do Uber Eats. I deliver food. Yeah. Remember that. Next time you order food, I've got cum-caked carpets and a wine cellar of piss. And they let me deliver y'all's food. So, yeah.

And he, real quick, cop pulls over a lady, a white lady, and he's like, ah, he's filling out his report. What are you, Caucasian? She says, nah, I'm vagina white. That's a bad joke. Wow, there you go. Gross 60 seconds followed by a 10 second fucking bad joke. Yeah.

Hell yeah. One more time for Dewey Rice. His arrival on Killed Tony. Welcome. This is the world's largest 11-year-old boy. This is incredible. You'd be surprised how much I get that. I bet. Actually, you would be surprised. You look like a giant, giant child. It's unbelievable. I can picture you like we're walking around in a diaper all mad for some reason. Dewey, how old are you? I'm

I'm sorry? How old are you? 23. 23 years old. What's it like being a 23-year-old nowadays? It's not fun, man. Tell me about it. Well, it's not fun for me. I recently got arrested. I'm going through a bunch of stuff, but I'm good now. Dude, I'm going DoorDash from now on. I'm never going fucking Uber Eats. Yeah, shit. Costco memberships went up, and fucking Uber Eats went down. Yeah.

My goodness. So what type of trouble with the law did you get in? What is it, jaywalking? One for an awful people's food. What do you mean? He probably got caught. Did you get caught? Say what? No. I broke up with my girlfriend and packed up all this shit that I had and was going to take it to my mom's house. My headlight was out and I got pulled over and everything I own happens to include a gun, some weed, and a bunch of Adderall. So...

Oh my God. So hold on a second. So your headlight is out. What gave the officer probable cause to search your car? My car smelled like weed. Bad. Bad. Bad. He said bad. Bad.

Wow. Really bad. And you're still employed by Uber Eats? Yeah, I was employed. Not after this. Right. Yeah, exactly. You have literally... Technically, I use my buddy's, my roommate's Uber Eats account, so... Oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, my God. I am employed by DoorDash, though, and that was before I got arrested, so it still carries on. So you don't know your dad at all, right? That's what I'm getting. No, I do, but we got some problems, you know? Oh, for sure. For sure. Yeah. Okay.

What kind of problems do you have with your daddy? Other than him being tremendously disappointed. I shouldn't say that. We reconnected recently, but he disowned me for about five years because of weed. But now he does shrooms and smokes weed, so it's weird. You should disown him. Yeah, I should. Yeah.

You should be like, Dad, you were a pussy back then. He was a pussy. Dad, I don't know where the camera's at. Dad, if you're watching. Oh, there he goes. He's leaving you again right now. There he goes. There he is. He's out. Got his back to you and everything. Hell yeah. What's your love life like? You have a boyish presence to you? Nah, since I broke up with, we were, I broke up with my girlfriend. We were dating for about four years, maybe five. And, uh,

Yeah, since then... What made you break up with her? She didn't want to move into the car with you? Yeah. What made you dash to the door to get away? We had a bunch of problems with each other. It was kind of a mutual thing. I initiated it, but it was mutual. It was very tight. It was not good. Uh...

Yeah. Red band is assuming domestic violence. Something like that. Not on my part, but yeah. Are you okay? Huh? Are you okay?

Like physically right now, your nose is sweating. I've never seen anybody's nose sweat. It is true. I am seeing the glisten. Only his nose is sweating. Only his nose is sweating. Very interesting. Do you snort the Adderall? I've done that before, but no. I haven't done Adderall since I've got arrested. I haven't done any drugs since I've got arrested for legal reasons. Look who's backtracking on this manifesto performance that he's putting on.

I haven't done any drugs and I don't really come in my car and I don't piss in bottles. I step outside of the car and piss like an animal. For legal reasons, everything he said is true. You know, you do have a very, like, I feel like you could walk into a play right now and be Huck Finn. You know what I mean?

Am I wrong about that? Does he not look like he can stand on a ramp? Dude, the Birkenstocks are fucking crazy. What percentage of comedians come out rocking shorts and open-toed shoes? Don't do that with comedy. Look at that. It was raining today, man. You had scabs on your feet, dude. There's scabs on your feet.

Yeah. Put socks and shoes on. It's raining, man. I have one good pair of shoes. I'm not going to wear that while it's raining. This is the time to wear them. What are you talking about? With millions of people. I've been coming here for like three months and I've not got a call. I was not expecting it, but like, yeah. You were in Austin for three months? I've been in Austin for like four or five years, but I've been coming here for three months. What do you mean here? To.

I've been trying to sign up for Kill Tony. And this was the set you had prepared months ago? Not months. No, this is just like now. Sure, yeah, that checks out. Do you think you did all your best jokes? Do you have a better joke than the ones that you did? I've got some more. I don't know if they're better. I got some more. How many do you think we should hear one more joke from? Let's hear one more joke. Okay, so...

I used to work at this pizza place, right? The owner, he was a super weird guy, really fucking weird. I come in one day and he's like, "Hey, Dewey, I got this new slow cooker. Come check it out." And I'd never heard of a pizza place using a slow cooker. So I go in the back and there's just a kid with Down syndrome fucking pounding on some pizza dough. And I was like, "Jesus Christ, Josh."

Jesus fucking Christ. Oh, some people like it. I mean, what? Jude Law. Jude Law loves it. Look at Jude Law in the audience just hanging out. You just noticed that right now. Absolutely incredible. Okay. Wow. How about... That's a sentence, all right, you know? Yeah.

Slow cooker. And the person was slow. Very slow. His name was Josh. He gave him a name. That wasn't actually his name. Wow. He's a real person that was inspired by a real person? Yeah. Yeah. He was. Yeah. Right what you know, bro. Right what you know.

Oh hey, look who it is everybody! Austin's newest resident, the great Shane Gillis everyone. I believe that was him. Yeah! There he is. He hates your Birkenstocks dude. That's what happens. You say Down Syndrome three times, Down Syndrome Beetlejuice pops out of nowhere.

The best stand-up comedian in the world right now, Shane Dillis. The newest resident of Austin, Texas. Fuck yeah.

Dewey, congratulations on having your first appearance on Kill Tony. Since you're off all the hard stuff, we're going to give you a big bag of Zippix nicotine toothpicks. Zip more, smoke less. I smoke a lot of cigarettes. There you go. And here's a little joke book. Andrew Lehman with a gel blaster as well. There he goes. Dewey Rice, everybody. Thank you, guys. There he goes. Dewey.

Do we have any better jokes than that? He do not. All right. All right. We're going to go to the bucket one last time. We're in it. You guys still having fun out there? All right. Your final bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Heath Cordes, everybody. Here we go. We're going to finish it strong. 60 seconds uninterrupted by Heath Cordes, everyone. Here we go. Here comes Heath Cordes.

Oh shit, okay. Fuck yes. Make some fucking noise for Heath Cornes. I feel like... I feel like I'm the opposite of a pedophile. I'm 21 years old, but on the outside, I'm just a little boy.

And that's because for me growing up, puberty was a lot like my father: absent. And so I get asked about my age all the time. "How old are you?" "How old are you?" "No, I'm not selling you fentanyl. How old are you?" And it gets annoying having to answer this question all the time. So over the years, I've started to have fun with it. And I sometimes tell people that I was never born.

and that I have been present through all of what has been and what will be. See, I came into existence before the earth and stars and I will be here on the day they fall because I'm ageless. But yet old enough

To fuck your mother. Thank you guys. Holy shit. Oh my God. This is what this show is all about. Some people fucking, this is what drives me crazy. People say, I hear this rumor all the time that this bucket is rigged.

And then I go, one last bucket, but let's see what happens. And this fucking monster comes out. This is unbelievable. Holy shit. You are built for this. You are a fucking, you are the fucking Lamborghini of comedians. I mean, holy shit. Wow. You're a star. There's nothing that's going to possibly stop you. Holy shit.

You're really 21? Yes sir, I am. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Two years. Two years in October. Oh my god. Oh fuck. This is crazy. Wow. Alright. Where do we begin?

You live here in Austin? I did, I just moved here a couple months ago. And you did it for stand-up comedy? Yeah, I did. To be at the epicenter of stand-up. Yes, sir. Oh my God, wow. Wow. And where did you move from? Alabama, baby. Wow, Alabama, fuck yeah. So all it takes is a nephew fucking an aunt for this to happen. Oh my God, well, this is wild.

Heath Cordes. Am I saying that right? Cordes. The white version. I love it. I'll never say it wrong again. Heath Cordes. Absolutely incredible. Everything is bigger in Texas except for you. Except for me, man. My God. How much material do you think you have two years in like that? I mean, obviously, that's your best minute. We let you go extra long. Red Band had his finger over the bear. I told him to...

grow a fucking set of balls. We're going to let you do whatever you want. So you got to do like a minute 35 or something like that because nothing, literally nothing can stop you. Thank you. Are your parents two-year-olds? Thank you, Red Band. Really good. Really good. I was really waiting for you to jump in and put some intellectual humor into this moment. Thank you. Do-do-do-do-do-do.

You fucking nothing burger. All right, tripod Tony. Jesus Christ. The tripod joke was great. It's just inside baseball. There's a lot of cameramen around the country laughing at that joke. Everyone knows a tripod holds a camera. It's black and it has three legs. That guy had one arm and two legs. The tripod joke was very smart. Didn't hit with his dumb audience, but there's people around the world dying right now still laughing at the tripod joke. They're not even over it yet.

They pause and they're still laughing. They're running around the house laughing at my fucking tripod joke. Okay, so holy shit. Heath Cordes. A star is born. So, I mean, oh my God.

So let me just get through some real questions that I think that the world would want to know about you. So are you, like, still growing? Dude, hopefully. Fingers crossed, man. Fingers crossed.

So like do you have like one of those things where like you go against your kitchen wall and like do that shit or something like that? Yeah man I still got one. It hasn't changed since he was seven. Every now and then I'll put on my shoes just so I feel better about myself. Get a couple inches. How tall are you?

I tell people five, you know, 411. On a bad day, 411. And when's the last time? How long have you been 411? Like since middle school, man. Damn. You haven't grown since middle school? No, not really. Has your dick? You were going to say no! You were going to say no! You were going to say no!

- Oh my God. - You know what? This kid came out. He did a pump fake on that note. Did you see that?

We realized a million chicks. He ran the light, but the only one to crush was something after running the light, number one. You got a standing O. My mom is six foot tall. I want to watch you fuck her. Yeah. I would want to watch you eat a pussy standing. That's what I'd want to watch. He could eat my mom's pussy standing up. Let's do it right now. Let's do it. Mrs. Sickler, come out here. I'm going to FaceTime her. Come on.

She ain't coming out. I cannot imagine how bad her back must be. Okay, so let's talk about your love life a little bit more here, Heath. What's going on with it? Do any women believe you at all whatsoever? No way. I gave up on that, man. I don't deal with it anymore. You're a fetish. You're going to find... I mean, you're about to be famous as fucking shit, so you're going to be just fine. Yeah, that was...

One of these gold-digging fucking sugar babies is gonna fucking absolutely devour you. Were you on Jared Fogle's hard drive? If it pays, you know, I'll do it. Oh my God. It's like Ozempic Andy Milonakis. Does anybody remember that guy? Oh my God. Thank you, just this guy.

Who weirdly looks like Andy Milonakis. Wow, it really does. Let's get back into it. Yeah, go ahead, Ryan. Do older men pick up on you?

Yeah, surprisingly. Not surprisingly. Not surprisingly at all, unfortunately. Yeah, OnlyFans, if this doesn't work out, that's an option. Dude, older dudes are coming at you? Yeah. Like, what do they say to you? Just creepy stuff. Not much. And then when you say, I'm 21, they're like, oh, I'm out of here. Yeah, they're out of it. Yeah, they don't want that. Yeah, they don't want that. Yeah, there goes that boner, that pedo boner. Yeah. Oh, my God. You're a bucket list for a lot of people. Yeah.

It's crazy. Every 10 seconds that goes on, I have seven more questions. So we're in a real crazy situation right now. This might be literally the greatest bucket pool of all time. You are such a fucking... And you know what's crazy? Is that if you came out here and you bombed, it would have been okay and good too. But you are literally a natural comedian. You're completely present.

You are in the moment, calm, cool, collected, no sweaty nose, no sweaty asshole. It's like you've done this a billion times. This is absolutely incredible. Did you know that signing up for this show, you'd be a hit as long as you got pulled out of the bucket? Have you signed up before? This is like, I think my 12th time of signing up. Wow. I...

I got here July. I visited. Someone put me on the open mic for Mothership, and I got a call back, and instantly I knew that I have to move here. I have to do it. So Adam knows you. You know Adam.

Fucking great. Holy shit. Yeah, I've done seven crew shows so far. Amazing. Fuck yeah. Absolutely amazing. I can't believe we had no idea about you. Nobody ever tells us anything. When we find something, we're like, here you go on a silver platter. No one ever gives us a hot tip. Like, hey, there's the fucking freak of nature of comedies arrived. Thanks. I guess hopefully one day we'll pull them out of a fucking bucket.

Go to fucking thousands of fucking stupid fucking normie bomb-ass bombers. Jesus fucking Christ. Can someone give us a hot tip once in a while? We share everybody with the world. We had Dewey for 20 minutes. Yeah, we had to deal with fucking Dewey. Jesus Christ.

I guess we finally found what came out of the car carpet of Dewey's car. It's a Heath Cordis. From a Ford Taurus. So I assume you eat free at most restaurants and stuff? Dude, Denny's I can eat for like three bucks. It's amazing. Awesome, dude. It's amazing. Do you take the glasses off and just kind of talk? Take them off. Let's see what you look like with your glasses off. Oh, Dream Weaver.

I believe we can make it through the night. Get your ass home, too. Get the fuck out of here, man. This guy's a fucking stud. There you go. Okay, question that I'm going to hustle into. What's it like? Do you drink? Have you had a drink yet? What is that process like with the bartender?

Losing his fucking mind. So obviously I get ID'd anywhere I go. Usually though, once I give them my ID, they're cool about it. There was this one bar down 6th Street. I gave them my ID. They said, fuck it. And they just kicked me out immediately. Oh, right. Did they try to take the ID? Because sometimes... I wish they did. I wish they did. I would have called the cops on those motherfuckers. I was ready. I was ready, man. Yeah. I was ready. Yeah. Yeah.

That's a no-brainer. That's a win-win lawsuit, lawsuit city. You're just ready. What is like the official...

What is like the official thing? What's the curse that's been placed on you? What is it called? The curse? I have no idea. Doctors can't even figure it out. You don't know? They don't know? No, I had shitty doctors, dude. I have no idea. You've never gone to another set of doctors? Yeah, you went to an Alabama... He was going to Alabama doctors. A.K.A. the dentist. Exactly. A.K.A. they don't have dentists in Alabama. Exactly. It was the gym teacher.

I don't know, kid. You're fucked up. So you have no idea why this is happening? No, dude. He's normal looking in Alabama. That's all I know, really. That's wild. And you've never, like, tried to look into it? Yeah, not enough time. Not enough. You're just like, I got a baby face. That works for me. I'm all set. Let me tell you something. I found an angle. I found an angle.

Yes, you certainly did. You better stay like this because if you build your whole hour around looking like this and then you grow up normal, you're fucked up. He just becomes 6'2 in three months? Yeah, he has the most painful growth spurt of all time. He just spends three months like, oh! Oh! Fuck! Suck it!

Wow. Do you have siblings? I do. Are you the only one with the pituitary issues? Yeah, they're all normal. They're normal. Your parents don't have this? I mean, they're short, but not like... How short? Not this short, you know? They're like normal short. Fuck normal. They're all boring is what you're saying. Yeah, you're the most interesting one. Yeah. Well, my family. Well, needless to say, without a doubt...

Normally, this is the part of the show where it would end and we would move on and go to obviously the guy that closes all the shows, but you are a freak of nature and I want to see more of you. And even though you've only been doing it two years, I do believe that without a doubt, even though we have a lot of them here and we have to rotate them in and fit them in when we can, there's no doubt about it.

he poured us is and has to be the newest golden ticket winner on

And I'm calling it right now just so there's no confusion and traffic doesn't get clunked up for the people that are and doing this and aren't doing that and are on this lineup or on that lineup. On December 30th at the HEB Center, you will be performing in your first arena. Fuck.

And I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. The Secret Show. Oh, my God, can you believe it? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And also The Secret Show. Wait a second. The Secret Show? Yes, it's Thursday. Oh, you're going to use him to sell tickets? No. And Arena and The Secret Show? We don't do that.

Oh my God. Yeah, thank you guys so much. Oh my God. Heath, you're a fucking freak of nature. Absolutely. Whatever you want. Here's a big joke book. There you go. Coming at you. Absolutely. Thank you.

The newest Golden Ticket winner. This is, it's crazy. We have too many of them. It's really becoming an issue. We might need to start taping two a week and putting out two a week or something like that. We should write him an F&C note for Mrs. Golden Bar. Unbelievable. Welcome. Hang out. Let's hang out afterwards. I gotta meet you.

I'm going to fuck the shit out of him, everybody. It's unbelievable. It is just unbelievable. I am going to throw him around like the bodybuilder did to Cam Patterson. That was unbelievable. We're going to have double bottom gay sex. It's going to be incredible. Can you imagine him on To Catch a Predator or something like that? He would be great. He would be great. We have many more questions and many more opportunities to ask them.

Heath Cordes just making Kill Tony history yet again. How crazy is it that he has no idea what happened to him or why that is? It's unbelievable. That would be my sole question in life.

What the fuck is going on? 24-7 until a doctor was like, it's like reverse Jack or whatever it is. You know, like that would be unbelievable. A naturally built comedian. He's owning it. He's fully aware of it. Totally funny. Totally calm. Are you crying?

Are you crying about this? Oh my goodness, she is. Like, are you overwhelmed or are you just... Overwhelmed. Look at that. She's weeping about this man. Yep. Boy, man, thing, whatever. I don't know. You're proud. Do you know him?

Okay. All right. Maybe a little less vodka sodas, but yeah, that's amazing. How about you fuck him? Will you fuck him? This woman. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. The friend seems to think it's possible. Can we get a compliment? Will you at least go on a date with him? She's going on a date with him.

Oh my God, the lights are going crazy. Keno on the lights. He knows when the party's going. This kid's gonna kill himself tonight. It's never getting better than this. Oh no, oh no. I think it just started for Heath Cordes and that's what's amazing, you know? Here you go, you're built for it. You moved from Alabama. What did he say? 12 signups, moved in July.

Believe it or not, your next comedian, a fun fact about him, I don't know if I've even mentioned this on the show before, but he once signed up for every week for nine months in a row before getting pulled out of the bucket for his very first time. Since then, he is the only living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame, the regular with the most appearances, the most interviews. Nine months. He kept trying week after week after week after week, and now he's done it more than anybody.

the Memphis Strangler, the Tijuana Tarantula, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody! Shit, last night in the hotel room with him, I was with him, he told me he was 14, so that kind of... I feel a little ripped off about that. Uh...

Yeah, he said he was fucking 14. I believed it. He looks 14. Okay. So I just finished another installment of Where's Waldo? And I'm starting to think he doesn't exist. John Fetterman, the Pennsylvania senator who wears sweats and has trouble forming complete sentences, said America is in sending its best and brightest to Washington. That's like Satan saying people should be nicer to one another. Holy shit.

What's the difference between John Fetterman and Red Band? John Fetterman actually has an excuse. He had a stroke, Red Band. That's what that was. I recently tried menthol condoms, and I've got to tell y'all, they don't taste like you'd expect, but the fiberglass does tickle my pussy. When it comes to Israel and Hamas, I just hope both sides have fun.

Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Wow. Wow. Wow. Holy shit. What an episode. What a night. You coming in with another fucking absolute monstrosity of a minute. Doing it more than anybody. Not easy to do. William Montgomery. It's so nice to be here. I had my first headlining week this past week and in Vegas. It was wonderful. Thank you.

Did 50 fucking minutes. 50 minutes. I didn't think I could do that. And if y'all could tell my voice, I wish I could yell tonight, but I'm probably not because I didn't even have my voice at all yesterday.

So I'm going to have to figure that one out, Tony. I think doing three hours worth of comedy is not going to work with my voice. So I might, I don't know what even I'm going to fucking do. It gets stronger. We'll see. And then, Tony, I swear to God, I want to read a text message. So on Saturday night, the second, the next two shows, literally at eight, when I'm walking into the club, I received this text message from my father, Larry, saying,

It says, let's tell William tomorrow so he won't worry about it during his shows. I swear to God. And then I immediately text him, what? And then he calls me. My grandfather died, Rusty Vance. So rest in peace, Rusty Vance. Rest in peace, Rusty Vance. But it was a nightmare.

See, I want to yell so much right now, you fucking pussy, but I literally, it would hurt so bad. Why would you do that? It's Rusty Vance. Did he die from AIDS? Did he die from AIDS? God, you sound crazier and crazier by the fucking week, dude. Dude,

Did he die of it? God, your voice. But yeah, no, it was fun. And then I get up there and I have to have my notebook for these longer sets and I immediately spill a cup of water on my notebook. You've done that before. You actually did that at the

world famous Chicago theater. You went up before me and there was fucking water all over the floor. Yeah, spilled the water. Why did you just say wow and fucking clap? You look like a slut, bitch. Holy shit. Hey, she's got a date with a 15-year-old later, okay? With that 14-year-old. We hope she's a slut. We hope. We're going to get a follow-up to that date and you'll be a legend. If you fuck him, I will tell you this. If you fuck him,

And I'm serious. If you fuck him, you have a ticket to kill Tony for the rest of your life. I'm a genius. She said, let's go. If you don't, she will. So, you know.

And I want to be there. I want to be allowed to watch. That has to be a part of the contract. I have to watch him fuck your fucking nasty looking ass, bitch. Oh my goodness. William, you're being very rude. I'm sorry. Red Band pissed me off earlier. It's my fucking dead grandfather. And let me try out some of the crowd work I did using that information. Yeah, Rusty Vance, my grandfather died. Can anybody guess how old he was? 69! 69!

Can anybody guess how old Rusty was? If somebody... Somebody guesses it, we can say, when I hear the right... Shit, I don't know how old his old ass was. So that's, that guy, that was about 10 minutes worth of crowd work doing that. Shit.

That's how you did 50 minutes. Yes, yes. I did 15 to 20 of that, just standing, staring forward, hearing all these numbers. That is so funny. For those of you that don't know, a little fun fact about William is that

You know, a little behind the scenes, which I think is good for the people that have been following you for half a decade on this show. A very interesting thing is while he writes so many unbelievable minutes on the show, he has a slight problem interjecting those minutes into his longer, normal, stand-alone stand-up set. He gets his balls busted a lot about doing, you know, the same 15, the same 20, whatever, even though he has this plethora, more than anyone

publicly in the world has blatantly jokes that work. He puts them out all the time on the show. But can you explain to the people why you have a little bit of trouble? I know it's a serious side. I don't know. I mean, I get so when I'm opening up for you, Tony, I get so in my head. You put so much pressure on me. I feel like I'm going to fucking explode most of the time. So I'm like, okay, I have to keep on doing these jokes. Tony, I did say one joke that you told me not to say before, but I had to in Vegas. What was the one?

Chris Angel's greatest trick is how he made himself disappear. Yeah, it's so stupid. And I did a couple Rick Moranis jokes, but no, I was interjecting a lot more. Tony hates the Rick Moranis jokes. I think they're wonderful. Oh, you mean the guy that's been a recluse for 25 years? You think that...

Dude, I don't know what it is. There's like, and I've seen you for years now, man. There's just like a darkness that around you that like, it makes me truly uncomfortable. Like, I feel like you have... Well, at least there's something around my fucking ass. I don't even know what to think when I look at your fucking ass. Don't comment.

You have... I've been doing this shit for five fucking years, dumbass. I said I wasn't going to fucking stream. Don't come at me like that. You got nothing around your stupid fucking ass. I want you to say, you have, like, look at me.

Energy. You have a screaming look at me. Yeah, it's a terrifying... Cool. I take that as a compliment, dumbass. What the fuck? When it eventually comes out... Don't come at me like that, you fucking idiot. When it eventually comes out that this guy has murdered a lot of people, we are all culpable. We're all not going to be surprised. Not surprised. Shut the fuck up, dumbass. I promised I wouldn't fucking yell tonight, but I can't help it when I look in your stupid fucking eyes, dude. My eyes?

I have a dark energy on my fucking ass. You've got nothing, dumbass. This is dark. This is very dark. This is very dark. Oh, what? This is dark. This is dark. This is dark. Don't come at me, motherfucker. What do you mean I got a dark energy? My fucking grandfather died a couple days ago, dumbass. And I've been playing with the Ouija board, so maybe that's why my energy's dark. There you go. There you go.

I have like four spirits in my apartment, so sorry for coming after your ass. I get nervous. I haven't slept in three fucking days. You hugged me before this. Huh? You hugged me before this. Yeah, I put a curse on you. You can't hug somebody who's before me in the dark. You hugged me. Yeah, well, good luck trying to pee later. I don't understand you, man. Well, I don't understand you either, so we're in the same boat, then.

Should we hug? Yeah, do you want to hug? Wow, this is a very special moment, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness. Now if Israel and Palestine could just do that. Yeah. That's the reason his grandfather died. Wait, what? Jesus Christ. Did you hear that, William? What did he say? He said you're going to be on the secret show tonight.

You win the big prize right down the street. The ceiling's too high. Everyone doesn't do well there. It's not built for comedy. Lucky you and White Webster. Wait, so what did you say, Redman? Please.

I said you won a spot on the secret show. Congratulations. No, he said the hug thing and then he goes, for no reason, he goes, that's the reason your grandfather died. What's the reason, Red Bean? AIDS! See, it doesn't work out how you think it's going to work out sometimes, doesn't it? You were thinking people are going to laugh at AIDS. Nobody fucking laughed, dumbass.

My fucking grandfather died. Why do you fucking... I'm sorry about your grandfather, honestly. Thank you. Like, with, like, the medicine recently in the AIDS community that would have helped him. So doubling down on the AIDS shit, you dumbass. You know what? Secret show Thursday?

I think Red Band was doing those jokes so that he could have a moment of silence for your grandfather. William, you know, I mean, it's fucking crazy, but I'll say it. A lot of these times, and I mentioned this to Red Band after Heath Cordes' performance, I go, it's so weird how so often, I mean, statistically, because I remember specifically...

Oh, God. Who the fuck was it? It was... Oh, Aaron Belisle. We kept pulling out of the bucket all night long. And then the final bucket pull. I go, the final bucket pull of the night. We have enough time for one more. It was him. And all these times, you have to go up after fucking... Yeah, I'm horrified. I was horrified. It's so...

So interesting. And meanwhile, you blast through, you make it look easy, and you've done it more than anybody, and you fucking did it again tonight, fresh off of the death of your grandfather. Let's see how loud this place can get for literally the goat of the show, William Montgomery, everybody. And we did it again. Did you guys have fucking fun tonight, huh? How about one more time for the great Giannis Papas, everybody? Portland, January 11th. Vancouver, January 12th.

March 23rd, the Giannis Papas Hour, available everywhere. One more time for the great Mike Feeney. His huge special is out right now. YouTube.com slash Mike Feeney. That's F-E-E-N-E-Y. And it is called A Night at the Comedy Cellar. He performs in all four rooms.

And that is amazing. One more time for the great Ryan Sickler, everybody, of the Honeydew Podcast. YouTube slash Ryan Sickler, his special lefty son, is right there. Shout out to Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Law Firm, Connect Mobile Health, Austin Security Guard Service, Austin Pools, CM Smokehouse, Zippix, Bones Eye, and NinjaBuses.com. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Thank you.

Terrell Shaheed on the horns. Paul Deamer on the horns. The great Dee Madness on the bass guitar. John Dees on the keys. And Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in, and it is unbelievably awesome. Some exclusive Kill Tony merch available online.

on your way out. SunsetstripATX.com. Love you. Yes, indeed. And we love you guys. So good to be back. So good to be home. We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Rock and roll. Good night. ... ... ...

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