#633 - KAM PATTERSON + DAVID JOLLY
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. If you want to check out any past episode, check out DeathSquad.tv. There you have all the links to all the video and audio of all the past episodes at DeathSquad.tv. If you want to check out Tony and his new tour, he's all over the road right now. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com to check out his tour schedule and everything Golden Pony.

And killmerch.com is everything Kill Tony for merchandise. Get all the new hats, shirts, and everything else at killmerch.com. And don't forget, if you're in Austin, Texas, check out my new comedy club, The Sunset Strip. It's at sunsetstripatx.com. The secret shows every single Thursday. Check us out, sunsetstripatx.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey,

Hey everybody, Kill Tony live from the HEB Center in Austin, Texas. Saturday, December 30th at 7 p.m. Just went on sale and you have to trust me, tickets are going lightning fast. It's absolutely unbelievable. These will be the first podcasts of Kill Tony ever in an arena. This is two and a half, three times as big as the ACL Live Theater that we did for the 10-year anniversary.

We've become an arena act. So check it out. It's going to be crazy. A lot of surprises, a lot of fun, unbelievable guests. It's a big production. This is our version of WrestleMania. Go to Ticketmaster.com. Look up Kill Tony. It's the one with tickets available. We're going back-to-back nights, the 30th and the 31st. HEB Center, live. ♪♪♪

Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hicks Clay! Who's ready for the best fucking Monday night of their lives, huh? Yeah!

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This feels like a good crowd in here. How many of you are real fans of the show?

Then you probably know, sometimes, you know, I book every single episode of the show myself. And I try to think of what did we do the week before? What did we do two weeks before? Where are we going? What have we done? And on top of having some of the most famous featured Netflix new special comedians, sometimes I like featuring and showing you guys the style of the future and the present.

This is a very special one. If you guys are really fans of the show, I think you're going to be tremendously excited. I always know when it's going to be a really funny episode. The one airing tonight, for example, Dr. Phil, played by Adam Ray and Sam Tallon. I warned people for weeks, that's an episode you're not going to want to miss. I spent 80% of the episode here laughing while trying to host the show at the same time. This is one of those episodes that I think is going to be...

a thing of legends. I could be wrong, who fucking knows, but I very rarely am wrong. This is the central core of what I believe is the future of Kill Tony. Their first time ever as panelists. You're watching history. This is what we would call a Jackie Robinson-like moment. As I present to you, your guests for this evening, their first time sitting on panel of Kill Tony. Their first time not doing a minute.

and instead, sitting here, make some noise for Cam Patterson and David Cohn! Oh my God. Oh shit. Woo! Let's fucking go. We're spending the whole night together.

Can you people give me a gang violence? Gang violence. Oh, shit. Tyler Perry presents Kill Tony. This is unbelievable. Red Band, we are outnumbered on this stage right now. I don't know if you noticed that or not. This is a first. Oh, shit, you're right. Five on three and whatever the fuck Paul Beamer is. What are you? I'm Mexican. Oh, I know.

I didn't know that. You're fired. I fucking love it. Welcome, gentlemen. Let's get a little more juice on these microphones if we can. How about a hand for Keno in the back? He's deep in the darkness. He never gets the respect he deserves back there.

One of the true necessities of the show. Fun fact about him, came over one of the must-hires we demanded from Vulcan Gas Company. He's been working sound on the show forever. Love you, Kino. He's back there. And here we are. Black and Milds are lit.

Black and mild, and I do believe we're about to get black and wild. You better fucking bet it. We're definitely going to be black, that's for sure. This episode is brought to you by Yoohoo Chocolate Drink. And BET, nigga. We deep up here, dog. We're deep up here tonight. Yeah, no, I know. I already tucked my wallet deep into my pocket. And I already took his. Hell yeah. Oh, he's reaching for it, too. He was reaching for it right when you said it.

I fucking love it. We're going to have a lot of fun here. You guys are legends on this show. You know how it works. Everybody gets a minute. Over 177 human beings signed up for the chance to perhaps get pulled out of this bucket. What the fuck is that black string in there? What is that? Oh, it's connected to The Undertaker. One fell out? Oh, okay. Grab it. We'll make that be the first one. Why not? Oh, one fell out there too?

Sweet. That'll be it. So we pre-pulled a name. There's a big bar next door with literally 177 people in it. And whoever signed up in the room is in addition to that 177. So that name goes over there. We pull that person out and they will be waiting behind the stage. And you know how it works. When I pull a name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time's up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which just interrupts them. And then I interview them. We find out more about them potentially. What else they could talk about. What makes them interesting. And they get to talk to my esteemed panel of uneducated comedians.

- Whoa, whoa, I went to college for a year and a half. - You did? - And I read real good. - What college did you go to? - I went to Florida A&M University. It's a black school. - Oh my God. - Yeah. I ain't finished that shit. Don't clap, motherfucker. What the fuck y'all clapping for? My mama mad as hell still. - We know you didn't finish. You said it was a black school. - Damn. - A year and a half, that basically made you a fucking legend there. They probably have statues of you. - My mama, she was proud for a little while.

What were you going for? Computer science, but I barely know. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know you're fucked up when everybody laughs at computer science. I graduated with a 3.5. I'm smart. Wait. I just smoke weed. 3.5 on what, your DUI test? What's happening? Hey, motherfucker. But you ain't shit, Tony. No, I'm smart a little bit.

Just a little bit. Cam, did you go to college? Fuck no. I went to Valencia for a month just to sell weed and then I had left. Hell yeah. That boy can barely read and write, man. Absolutely. Bama, Bama, read and write.

Well, while they go grab that comedian from next door, we do have a comedian to go on first. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy starts every single episode of the show. A legend. You know the whole story. I mean, ups and downs and highs and lows and everything in between.

headlining all around the country, selling out, crushing, having fans come back for more. He's a sensation. He writes a new minute every week. Not easy to do. Getting Tonight Show started. You guys know the song at all? Sing it if you know it. ♪ Pizzle's hot, kid ♪ ♪ Pizzle's hot, kid ♪ Make some noise for Hot Kid! - What's up? Black and mild, more like black and a child.

I think they should introduce a new submission in the UFC where if you can hold down your opponent and pretend to have butt sex with him for 10 seconds, not only do you win the fight, but your opponent now has to retire. Because if you're in a real fight and you get butt fucked...

but you still win the fight, no one's gonna remember that you won the fight. No one's gonna remember you got butt-fucked. And you're probably gonna have to move. It's been a pretty hot summer. As an Asian, I hate it when the temperature matches my test scores. I prefer Mexican test scores. 70 to 72. All right, thank you.

Hans Cam, ladies and gentlemen, with a brand new minute. Black and Child, let's talk about it. Came out, Guns Ablazing. Are you calling Cam a child? He's very youthful and... I appreciate that, my nigga, you know what I'm saying? I just want to say, fuck Rick Diaz, nigga, we're going to kill him. Yeah. It's a little inside baseball, but yes, absolutely. Oh, no, I see what you're saying. Yes, Rick Diaz challenging him

Again and again and again. And he finally got it. You are challenging Rick Diaz in the arena, sold out, HEB Center, New Year's Eve. One of you will be doing a new minute every single week, and the other will be temporarily at least banned from the show. Have you been thinking about this at all? Yeah, I've been saving up and thinking about it and just wondering how I'm going to crush this European with my American might.

Hell yeah. That's right. Hell yeah. Fuck that nigga, man. David Charlie. Hans Kim, I must say. That was a very good minute that you did today. It was very, very entertaining. I thought you were eating pussy.

Black people get to do the most racist stuff. I wish. What I would give. What I would give to just, you know what, I'm going to do blackface one day. That'd be a fun episode. That's a good idea. It's fun. Yeah, that'd be fun. Let's switch it. Your credit score will go down. Next week, you host. You host in whiteface. I'll do blackface. Say you promise. What? Say you promise. No. I'd be pinker than a motherfucker. I'd be...

Hans Kim. I love it. The hot summer, the Asian scores, that all makes sense. That all checks out. Those are good jokes. Rock solid. The UFC butt fuck thing, I mean, I don't know. I don't know.

Where does this come from? What is your writing routine? I guess I probably never asked you that. What's your regimen? Where do you do it? Are you at a desk? Are you at the beach? Are you on a toilet? In the shower? What is it? I'm usually laying down because I have a neck injury. Oh, what's your neck injury? Herniated disc. How did that happen? Doing a little jujitsu.

I'm a bit of a jujitsuero. I'm up to my third stripe on my white belt. Wow. That's incredible. How often do you do that? I have stopped doing it seven years ago. Cam Patterson. You want one with a black belt, nigga? You guys usually shoot first, so...

David Jolly. I thought you got that neck injury off that big-ass head you got. That big guy got the whole world in his head. Yeah, I actually graduated college, so...

That is true. David Jolly is the size of the head of a guy that drops out after a year and a half. You don't have to have a computer science degree to know that you do have a pretty big noggin, though, Hans. It is incredible. So do you do any exercise at all now? No jujitsu for seven years, but what's your exercise routine like? These are all questions I feel like I've never asked you before. As you can tell, I don't exercise too much.

I have a kettlebell, 35 pounds, that I do kettlebell swings with. I'm usually in hotels just doing a foam roller just to do a little prehab so I don't injure myself. I have a punching bag. I've punched for Tim Welch, Sugar Sean's trainer, and he said, that's pretty good. Your punching bag. What's her name again? Sorry.

My girlfriend. I know. Hans, another great minute. Way to get us started again. Anything else I'm missing? Anything you want to talk about? You know, I made my career off of a desperate, sad comedian that tried to take other comedians down. And on December 31st, I'll do the same at H-E-B Arena. Wow, I love it. That's a fucking promo right there.

This is what I'm talking about. It's a shame it's already sold out. That would do it. That would push us over the edge.

Hans, I fucking love you. I'm so proud of you. Like I said, jokes like the hot summer Asian test scores, things like that. The fact that you just keep writing a new minute at this pace, it's incredible. Great stuff. Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you, Tony. Way to get us started. So you see how it goes. That's how it goes when it goes good. Now this bucket is filled with people that it doesn't always go that good.

But then again, we found everybody that you see up here and Hans and everybody else out of this bucket. So the future could be next or it could be an insane person. Make some noise for your next comedian, Eric D. Swalm, everybody. Straight out of the bucket. We're going to meet him all together. Eric Swalm. Hey, y'all.

Does anybody get any weird compliments? I get weird compliments all the time. Someone told me that they like how my voice sounds, which I think is weird, 'cause I feel like I sound like I'm doing an impression of a guy that looks like me on helium. Yeah, dude, I also got told that I got a... Someone told me that she likes how my butt tastes. I got a good-tasting asshole. But she was vegan, so I think she was just protein deficient. You know? I also got told I fuck like a porn star.

Was it all the cameras? Yeah, I don't fucking know. I got-- oh, this one hurt a little bit. I got off stage, and this dude's like, "Hey, man, I didn't think you were gonna be funny." I was like, "Dude, that's a terrible way to call a guy handsome." Yeah, I don't even know-- I don't even know if I write good jokes, man. Like, I'm just pretty sure I'm pretty enough to make dudes feel a little bit gay. Thank you. That's my time.

Okay, Eric D. Swam. Is this your first time on the show, Eric? It is, yeah. Okay, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. Four years. And how long have you looked like Mario Lopez with Down syndrome? Oh, shit. Cut, cut.

Four years. All of it here in Austin? No, I came from Reno, Nevada. Okay, Reno, Nevada. That's where you've been doing it, huh? Yeah. The smallest big city or whatever? Don't bullshit like that. I mean, you would know. You live there. That's what they call it. It's like a really comfortable place. You can drink the water and shit. I don't know. Is this where you were born and raised? Yeah. Okay. What do you do for a living? I serve sushi out here.

Yeah, I moved to Austin. I was like homeless for a couple weeks. Uh-huh. Yeah, so that was fun. So when did you move to Austin exactly? About a month ago. About a month ago. When it was like two weeks of 100 degree weather. And you were homeless for a couple weeks. Tell us about that. Before you moved here, you didn't look for a place or anything like that? Oh, no, I did. And I thought I had a job too. But I got out here and didn't communicate.

So what do you mean? Like I showed up to the pizza place that I had that I was working at in Reno's like corporate and showed up to the door and they're like, we don't have a job for you. And yeah, I just got fucked over that way. So, yeah. So bad planning is really what it was. OK. And how about the living situation? Why was that? Oh, yeah. Just the same deal. Like I didn't communicate with the guys like we rented the place out.

So I got down here and that was the same deal. When you say you didn't communicate with the people, does that mean that you confirmed at one point that you had a job in a place and then you just didn't follow up? I think that's really what happened. I just expected that they remembered me. Okay. Are you on drugs? Constantly, yeah. Marijuana? Just marijuana, yeah. Right, but lots of it. Yeah. Enough to not communicate with both...

Home and work. Yeah. I was expecting to be homeless, I guess, to be honest. So it sounds like you were going to be what? Serving pizzas? Selling pizzas? Serving pizzas. Serving pizzas, and now you're serving sushi. Yeah. How did that happen? That sounds like a lucky upgrade. Oh, a lot of Indeed. I just used, I saw the sign in downtown. They probably rule it getting people jobs out here.

Okay. So what's your... Cam Patterson, what's going on here? Hey, this nigga born and fucked, dog. Oh, no shit. I know. I know. I'm telling you. I try with these people sometimes. You have no idea how hard this job is. Ten years and four months of doing it every single week, and someone like this comes up, and you're like, yeah, Reno, Nevada, that's what they say.

I didn't communicate. I didn't communicate properly. David Jolly. You must have wrote that shit in the car. What's up? That was your set. You wrote it in the car? No. Oh, you've been doing that for a while? I've tested that for a little while, yeah. Well, you tested it at a crack house? Very popular crack houses, yeah. Damn, that was a bad decision, bro. You should have bought a better one.

Right, real people show up to this. Yep. Yeah. Yes, they do. That's what you got to kind of plan for is real people.

So tell us something interesting about you. We have you right now as one of the most boring people in the show's history. Probably one of the most interesting people in Reno, I bet. You're probably the fucking Dave Chappelle of Reno. No. I was just the most handsome guy out there. Why do you keep on saying that? Sorry. Do you know that you're not good looking? You're as good looking as you are funny. Oh, good. Which ain't much.

David Jolly. Hey, you the most handsome motherfucker with Down syndrome I ever seen in my goddamn life. I ain't gonna lie. You got that one, brother. It's true. You have like a sloth-like head shape. You have cauliflower hair a little bit. You used to wrestle? Jiu-jitsu, yeah. Ah, jiu-jitsu. Yeah. Okay. I have a friend, Hans Kim, that would beat the shit out of you.

What kind of belt do you have? It's a purple one. Ah, a purple one. Like my panel's favorite drink. You gotta believe it. Absolutely. You're making my friends thirsty. Stop talking about purple.

Tell us the most interesting thing about you, Eric, because right now we're struggling for fucking anything right now. Give us a fun fact about your life, something that makes you different. So my ex, her and I broke up to do comedy in different cities. Like, she moved to L.A. because she's a dumb bitch. And, yeah, I moved out to Austin because, like, Texas, I'm racist and gay. But...

I know, sorry, but my ex... Oh, here we go. Eric.

I mean, I gave you a wide open fucking... You could have just taken the ball and ran it any direction. You just called a girl a bitch and you called yourself gay for the fourth time in fucking five minutes. She actually has your number. Okay. She knew you from the comedy store, yeah. Okay. Yeah, so I guess you used to call her out by name and I didn't know... You seem to remember people really well. I don't understand what you're talking about. What is going on here?

What do you mean? I just thought that was interesting that I was dating someone that was talking to you to the point where, you know, like...

What? She got your number. All right. Are you sure she had my number? Are you positive of this? No, but I thought that would be fun. That sounds more like everything else about you. Nothing seems to be. She was pretty convinced that you gave her your real number. Like you'd leave the bathroom and be like, hey, Fiona. Wait, what? What did you just say? I'd leave the bathroom and what? Oh, you'd see her leaving the bathroom and greet her like you actually knew her. She's funny. Rate her?

I can't understand what you're physically saying. Take a breath. So I would see her leaving the bathroom of the comedy store? You would be walking out of the bathroom. She'd be with a group of comedians and you would be like, hey, Fiona. She's a comedian. Yes. Okay. Now this is starting to make sense. Right. Okay. She was a comedian in L.A. for how long?

seven years. Right. I was a comedian in LA for 15 years. Yeah. You see. So you say like...

Oh, I just thought you tend to remember people, I've noticed. I don't know her name, and it sounds like you guys broke up. I don't think you should be talking about this right now. I think everything you've done up here has been a massive failure. Am I friends with her? No, it's just I thought it would be an interesting story, and I was wrong. You've been wrong about a lot here, Eric D. Swamp. So I'm not friends with her, but she thinks she has my number. Yeah, the whole idea was that she could...

text you or whatever. Why would she text? What was the idea of her texting me? I don't, you know, the more you ask, the less I know. You fucking suck, dude. In like every way. What do you think is going to happen here in Austin for you? Oh, shit. God damn. Not a goddamn thing, says Daniel Watson. Ah.

And that's the third string drummer of Kill Tony telling you that. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Whoa. No, Daniel, don't put the sticks down, Daniel. But you just got roasted by the fucking, by our fucking Zach Wilson. What's his name at the checks? Zach Wilson. Just play the drums, bitch. Zach Wilson. Zach Wilson.

It takes two quarterbacks being injured for Daniel to even. All right. Okay. Okey dokey. So, Eric D. Swam. I mean, everything here was a failure. Your set, your interview. We tried to get anything out of you whatsoever. It seems like you have anger issues, confidence issues, and a bad sense of humor. You make bad

decisions in every single way possible. You could have done almost anything tonight and been funnier. It's incredible how unfunny you were. I feel like if we tried to do this five to ten more times, we couldn't even reenact how unfunny you were tonight. It's an absolute anomaly, and I do this every week, and you've amazed me here tonight. You will not walk with any size joke book.

There he goes, Eric D. Swamp. No gel blaster, no joke book. If you don't have a decent minute and you contribute nothing to the interview, you leave with nothing. And millions of people get to watch that happen. Yeah. Hell yeah.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Anything can happen. This looks like a good name. I've been doing this a long time. I know when it's a good name. Might be funny, might be completely insane, but I know for a fact it's gonna be better than Eric D. Swamp. Whose girlfriend I probably fucked at some point. Make some noise to hear this. Probably fucked her a lot better than he ever did too.

Make some noise for your next comedian, Mr. Mars Martian, everybody. Mr. Mars Martian. Oh, shit. Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mr. Mars Martian. Make some noise for him one more time. Come on. Well, holy fucking cowbunga, nigga. We did it. Here we are.

So my internal dialogue is fucked up and that's not fun. You know what I mean? I'll be standing in the mirror like, snap out of it, you fucking nitwit idiot bitch. You understand? Cut the dog shit, clown. I got this Xbox Live lobby in my frontal lobe and I can't stop the chatter. I just casually roast myself into oblivion. Yeah, make myself feel bad. You know what I mean? Hurt my own feelings. Yeah. I talk shit till I cry. I talk shit in the mirror till I cry. You know

you know what i mean i'm a bully yeah my internal dialogue is up but uh i don't believe in therapy yeah these soy boys out here getting boy therapy the i look like ain't no boy oh soy i say we got a bunch of yeah i don't know never mind it's all good yeah turn my audi into a upper any doctor like what's what are we doing here understand i don't know it's a lot of fun

Anyway, I don't have anything against any soy boy pussy boys. I just want to put that out there. Yeah, that's enough. That's enough. That is indeed enough. Mr. Mars Martian. Holy shit. Where do I even begin with you? A thousand times better than the last comedian and still god awful at the same time.

How long have you been doing stand-up, Mr. Mars Martian, if that really is your name? It's the Mr. Mars Martian. About six months straight, nonstop, yeah, having fun. Six months straight, nonstop, having fun. Yeah. I like it. Absolutely. Has anyone ever told you that you look like the bloated corpse of the current White House press secretary? That's a first.

But I do know I look like every lookalike that's ever looked like this motherfucker. You look like if The Weeknd never took a weekend off. Whoa, is that a Vince McMahon shirt you're wearing? I fucking love that. That's cool as fuck. D-Man is having nothing to do with this. He can't even see you and yet he's seen enough. Mr. Mars Martian. Where do we begin with this guy, David Jolly? I don't know what the fuck just happened.

That nigga gonna ask it or something. Cam Patterson. I've known Morris about four months now, and I don't know if he can say nigga yet. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what he is, but I don't know if it's a nigga. You know what I'm saying? And I want to talk real bad about him. I think he gonna kill me in my sleep, so I'm just gonna stop talking. It's a new breed. It's the cowabunga nigga. It's the new style. That's not a real thing, nigga. You can't make up styles of nigga, bro. What the fuck? Jeez.

Cowabunga? Nigga don't say cowabunga. Cowabunga, nigga. What are you, a teenage mutant... Nigga turtle? Gang violence. That's organized crime right there. Cam knows when I point at him, it can only mean one word and one word only. That's funny. Teenage mutant N-word turtle. That's what I see. It's not as funny.

Do it again. Okay, so let's talk about it. Six months in the game nonstop or four months? What did you say? Six months nonstop. Six months. What do you do for work exactly? I used to automate data centers. What does that mean? Until banks started collapsing, I used to automate data centers for a bank. I used to be a software engineer. Okay. Yeah. The blackest thing about you is that I didn't understand a word you just said. So what...

Something data centers? Yeah, I used to do software automation. Okay, all right. That's like a nine-to-five type of job. Yeah, corporate gig, yeah. Okay. Do you use a pillow at night, or do you just lay your head down on that hair? Because it seems like it would be really soft and nice. It seems like it would be pretty cool. I bet you do have a pillow. I'm going to move on. What do you like to do for fun, Mr. Mars Martian? Anything creative. I'm...

make music, make jokes. What kind of music do you make? Oh boy, it's like jazz, kind of death metal slam type of shit. Jazz, death metal, slam. That is a wide range, my friend. He just keep making shit up, though. He just making shit up. I do rap, just smooth shit. You know what I'm talking about. You know how that shit go. David Jolly. I love to hear that shit.

Well, I got news for you. I love that shit. So Mr. Mars Martian, what do you do? You sing? What do you do? You play an instrument? Oh, I got keys. I got drum pads. I got several guitars, different tunings and all that type of shit. You sing? I'd rather not play the bingo and be forced to sing and dance all of a sudden type of deal. I can sing. I can dance. You made it an and dance thing. You made it an and dance thing. I just did all the bingo. What do you think? I got tap shoes in your size or something like that? Bring them out. I got wrestling shoes on. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so you'd rather not sing. You can't really... You named a bunch of instruments that aren't on the stage all at once. He didn't really say drums. He said drum pads. Drum pad, drum pad. Yeah, yeah, it's a little different. Yeah, it's a little not drums. Okay. What are you best at? What's the thing that you're best at in this world, Mr. Mars Marshall? Oh, uh... Shit, nigga. Nothing. Nothing at all. Pop quiz. Pop quiz.

Just being myself. Who could be me better than me? That's it, nigga. Okay, what's your love life like? I had a very fulfilling seven-year relationship that's over now. Yeah. When did that end? A couple years ago, about two years ago, yeah. Well, you killed that bitch. Killed her and took her hair. Yeah. You can't weave me. Wow.

So it ended two years ago. Have you moved on? Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. So what's your love life like now? Right now, I'm just pursuing the arts. I'm trying to be fulfilled by being creative, being myself, just trying to get as much shit on there. Look, I ain't gay no more. Yeah, is that what you want? Hey, that mean he beat that dick with two hands, boy. I know that big guy that got that burn mark on his head.

He looks in the mirror and just squints his eyes like, oh, look at that hot bitch. My goodness gracious. So like the last girl you were with, what was that like? You're talking about comics. I really not talk about that. Whoopi Goldberg? Comics? Yeah, you can not. Never mind. What? What?

Yeah, I have no... You fucked the last guy's girlfriend, too? Shoot. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

So as a comedian, how'd that go? Describe it to us. Oh, it's just you try to keep it a one-night stand type of deal. We're all talking too emotionally unstable. You can't, you know what I mean? It's not a pursuant thing. It's just a horny thing in the moment. That's all. So what happened? You did an open mic. Then what happens? You get off stage. Then what happens? No one knows who it is. You can literally talk about this right now. You're in an interview on a live podcast. Yeah, yeah. It's okay.

I'm more of a real life interaction type of person, so I prefer to stay out of the DMs and the swiping and all that stuff. So yeah, if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. So yeah. So what happened? You do an open mic, you get off stage, you go up to her, she comes up to you. What happens? Oh, I mean... Did anything really happen? You making this up? I'm trying to be discreet.

He don't wanna talk about it 'cause he killed her. She's dead! She's no longer alive, bro! I don't know if you saw his set, but he is far from killing, this fucking guy. I'm gonna keep you on the spot here. So you're at an open mic, right? She's there, right? Or is it online? What happened?

So we get a lot of people. We get a lot of transients in and out of town all the time. A lot of people from other states come here. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Over here. Over here. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Stop looking out into absolute stranger's eyes and getting confused. It's always a fresh pool of comedians in and out of town. Okay. So then what happened? You better start answering the fucking question.

All right, so, I mean, they were staying at a place that was only two blocks up. They lured me back to the den with mushrooms. We did mushrooms. We hung out. We hit a bunch of mics, but then they had the place to go back to, and so that's where we went type of deal. I mean, what do you want? David Jolly. Oh, that bitch dead. She definitely dead. Okay, all right, guys. She killed that bitch. That whole dead. He killed her. That whole dead. She dead as fuck. He the Rainy Street nigga, too. I'm telling you, man. Look at his eyes.

Some mushrooms. She had a place to go back to. What's your living situation? I live out... Do I dox myself? I live out by Mansfield Dam. Kind of far, like 30 minutes from here. I didn't ask exactly where. I mean, like, do you have roommates? Do you live by yourself? No, I'm a homeowner in Austin, Texas. A homeowner. How were you able to do that?

I used to be a software engineer for a Fortune 100. Okay, and you saved up your money. You bought real estate. Yeah, yeah. See, that's an interesting fun fact about you. That's actually fucking shocking. Ha, ha, ha! That you're a homeowner. I mean, incredible. What are we talking about? One bedroom, one bath? What do we got? I don't know. It's on an acre by the lake. It's kind of cool. You don't know how many bedrooms? Oh, how many bedrooms? Yeah. Oh, I got two. I got two bedrooms. Ha, ha, ha!

I got two bedrooms. Jesus Christ. What are they serving up at this bar they're keeping everybody at? Oh, my God. Fucking wild. Okay, Mr. Mars Martian. Anything else? Any other special skills or talents or anything we should know about about you?

I've been in Austin for like six years. I'm originally from Compton, California. Oh, okay. All right. Okay, there's a few fans of Compton here. The majority of them being at the table with me. What do you think about the fact that they just finally arrested Tupac's murderer?

So he's the last one of four that were still, everybody else is dead except for him. It's kind of one of those double jeopardy kind of deals, I guess you could say. Yeah. He killed Tupac too. This nigga's a murderer, dog. I don't think I get it. Mr. Mars Martian, I got good news for you. You're walking out of here with a small Kill Tony joke book. You got it? There you go. Boom. There he goes. Mr. Mars Martian.

This is a fun episode so far. You're getting to find out the strength of the bucket here tonight. It is pretty wild. Pretty sure any of you could do better than the people that have been doing this for months. It's kind of wild. Pretty crazy. They overthink it. Ladies and gentlemen. Okay. Jesus. All right. Yes. D Madness is back, everybody. Big pops for the return of D Madness.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. We're going to keep it moving along. Make some noise for your next comedian straight out of the bucket. This is definitely a new name. Make some noise for Gexy or Jesse or G-E-G-S-I. Gexy. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Make some noise for Gexy, everybody. Hey, I'm Gessie. Can I take... So this is my first time in Austin, actually. I came from the Seattles. I flew in here to attend my cousin's wedding.

And I think they're going to be really furious when they know that I'm here instead of writing my vows. But anyways, in unrelated news, I was trying out some yoga this morning. And it's not that I'm bad at it, it's just that whenever I do it, I kind of feel like a poser.

But it's all good because I'm a pretty good guy and stuff except for I used to be super addicted to showering but I'm clean now. And I also can like rap and stuff so...

Hey, Tony. Hey, Tony. I think that your jokes are cool and you're real and not a phony. And if I was... There you go. The West Hollywood Bear. That's Jesse, everybody. Hell yeah. Hi, Jesse. Hey, Tony. How are you? The best set of the night out of the bucket pools. Incredible. Incredible. Absolutely unbelievable performance.

Great. Jesse, how long have you been doing stand-up? This is my second time ever. Really? Wow. That is incredible. I'm actually here with a bachelor crew, and so we kind of all signed up. Really? So it's like a bachelor party from Seattle. Your friend's really getting married? He's really getting married, I hope. Yeah. And so we're kind of letting it rip, but...

Jesus, finally, somebody with anything up here. Oh my God. You see, everybody else just tries to be cool. They don't realize that to be cool, you have to be funny first and then cool second. Everybody's trying to fucking, this ain't cool at all. It's funny though. And by being funny, it's cool. So it is cool. You see what I'm saying? You look like you have cancer. I gotta knock, I gotta get that out of the way.

I gotta knock that out. But you don't, right? I don't think so. Right. We're gonna get you checked out. We're gonna get you an IV drip from the great people over at Connect Mobile Health. Use the promo code KILTEN. I'd be down to get checked out. I'm also single. Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely. Do you have kids?

I don't have kids. How'd you get those dad jokes, though? Like, those jokes were really cheesy as hell. Like, did you write them or did you read them off of, like, Laffy Taffy or something like that? I don't eat Laffy Taffys, but I didn't necessarily write them. I just thought of them. And that's kind of how I did it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Which one do you think, which one was the one that offended you? They didn't offend me, they were just really cheesy. Which one was the cheesiest? All of them, every single one. The one about coming in from Seattle, I had to write the vowels, that was cheesy? No, no, no, the jokes. The actual jokes. Right, so that got a big laugh. So the yoga one, the poser? Yeah. That sounds exactly like a dad joke. You know, like, hey, I did yoga, the posing, or whatever. laughter

writing extraordinaire Brian Redband with his input on the writing of jokes, everybody. There's a...

Perhaps we can get your input on... You don't agree with that? You don't agree with that? Not really, no. You thought those were hard-hitting jokes? No, no, no. I just think he's obviously a one-liner comedian, and those are different. You could almost say that about any one-liner comedian. You could say Mitch Hedberg kind of did dad jokes, but they're funny. Sure, sure, sure. Okay, you know what, Red Bear? We're just going to keep moving on with the show.

Critiquing the material isn't really your best feature of the show. All right, I'm wrong, you know. I'm sorry. Play like a rooster sound of something. There you go. Very good. Thank you. Back to the comedy part of the comedy show. Jesse, tell us more about you and your life. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the Mothership? So cool. Best staff on planet Earth.

The great Carrie Mitchell picked all these amazing people. We have the best fucking crew here. Shout out to Tracy and Chica and the service. Everybody's just amazing here.

Tell us more about your actual life, you weird motherfucker. Well, my actual life is just like this, but a little different. I usually will be climbing trees or making wedding raps. Wedding raps? Like raps about a wedding?

- Yeah. - Okay. - Like, at weddings. - You have really good timing and stage presence. Where do you think you get that from? How do you have such an interestingly present sense of humor? - Timing, timing, timing. Well, one time my friend told me that when I swing my golf club that I have pretty good tempo. - Yes, that's a big deal in golf. - I think my golfing translates to here. - Absolutely, it absolutely does. I agree with that.

So a wedding rap. Can you give us an example of what a wedding rap sounds like? If my good friend gave you a beat, the great Daniel Watson. Here we go. Make sure you really enunciate into that microphone, okay? So we can hear you. Right, right. Because once the band starts playing, it gets a little loud. So go ahead. We want to hear you rap. Here we go. We had to come to the wedding. I hope everyone's ready. Hope you brought your confetti. Because the party's going on and I'm making up this song. Because we're getting married and also taking rips from bongs.

It's a fun wedding, right? Because it's a fun wedding where crazy silly stuff happens like a guy who they think has cancer is rapping. Talk to him, Jesse! Talk to him!

I want to send one to the cool bros and the cool girls and the ones who like cool flows. Cause every time that the cool's in the room, cool knows. And I think you see that with your cool hose. You got it? Did you get it? Fuck yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. The crowd goes wild. The crowd goes wild. Strobe lights have been activated.

Unbelievable, Jesse. I mean, can you believe this fucking guy? We got a white rapper. Hey, he good too, but this is the first time in show history y'all had three serial killers in the fucking row. That's magical. That'd be with Rado, Jesse. You hear me? Yeah, that'd be with Rado. You look like you were touched as a child. You know what I mean? No cereal box was safe. More dad jokes. Yeah.

Absolutely. The mentioning of serial killers on the show has been prolific this episode. If you were going to murder somebody, how would you do it? I made a video about this already. Okay, so I think what I would probably do is leave them in a room with a mouse and then

And then that way, they have to fight to see who survives. And whoever I'm killing, I think, wouldn't be the type of person that would want to kill a mouse. And so it would just go the other way. Fuck yeah. Jesse, I absolutely love your style. I cannot bring myself to believe that this is only your second time on stage. You're being serious? I'm being serious. I tried it once, and, uh...

I thought maybe I could do this again, you know? And then next thing you know, I made it to the big deals. Big stages. Yeah, you did. And you did very good at the big deals. You're leaving with a big Keltoni joke book. You're leaving with a gel blaster. Give him the biggest gel blaster we got back there. Holy shit. What is this? It's a joke book.

You can write in it. You can write raps. You can write whatever you want in it. You can write your manifesto in there. Anything you want. Absolutely. I really like that. Maybe that'll help with my jokes to be less corny. They're not that bad. Don't take Redman's critiques. Not exactly fucking Mark Twain over here we're dealing with. But anyways...

You know, maybe being corny is a part of my thing. So either way, I just went with it and I loved your guys' vibes. Yep, yep. For real, the sounds that you made like really conjured up some feelings in me that just really make me want to get afterlife and I hope that other people feel that too, you know? I fucking like this guy.

You know what? I think we found the new host of Blue's Clues, everybody. I'm gonna talk to the people over at Nickelodeon. We're gonna get Jesse a job at Blue's Clues. How about one more time for the great Jesse, everybody? A man who will not take leave for an answer. I don't believe he's ever going to go. There he goes, everybody. Jesse. I believe he's waiting to get teleported to some other place. Are we having fun out there, huh?

Well, I got news for you. The guy, the regular that usually goes up in the middle of the show is sitting right here having a blast with me. So in his place we do have a returning golden ticket winner. This guy won his golden ticket a long time ago in the middle of North Carolina on the road at least half a decade ago.

Yeah, uh-huh. Maybe DC also is from North Carolina or something like that. It doesn't matter. Who gives a fuck? The point is, he's very, very funny. He's here with another new minute. Make some noise for the return of the great Martin Phillips, everybody. Here we go. Martin Phillips. Legend of the game here at Kill Tony. Thank you.

Brought to you by Zippix, Zip more, smoke less. One more time for the great Martin Phillips everybody. Sounds good, cool, okay. I read if you had a sex dream about somebody you know, it means you trust that person. So I learned that I trust too many people. I'm too trustworthy, you know what I mean?

I have really big hands, trying to use my hands. As an adult, there are piano hands. I don't know how to play the piano. However, my hand jobs are ridiculous. It's as elegant as the piano. I only play in forte, you know? You should see my double crescendo.

I live here in Texas. It's hot as fuck. But people say it's a dry heat, you know? But you know where else there is humidity? The fucking sun. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Fuck yeah. Martin Phillips. That...

is how you do it. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. That is the difference between a golden ticket winner and a bucket pool. That was fantastic. Indeed, I must agree with my panel. We are on a run. I do believe this is four serial killers in a row. I was going to say that. This is my crowd. My people here tonight. Absolutely. Absolutely.

I feel like you would leave the most evidence out of the hall of the rest of the serial killers. There's some sideways footprints leading back to... Everybody he tried to kill get away, nigga. They all make it home safely. Oh, shit. Look.

Martin Phillips, thriving here in Austin, Texas. Did you... Oh, you don't want some black and mild? Yeah, yeah.

I did it before the show, guys. Oh, I love it. Absolutely. He's a goddamn liar, dude. It's cool. Martin, so you moved here to Austin, right? Yes, I live in South Austin. Represent. Absolutely. Absolutely. David Jolly. Hey, when you were swinging your damn arms around, I thought you were going to hit me with one of them motherfuckers. It's a battle word. Yeah, watch yourself. That's why I did the pockets. I can't.

I ain't got no insurance, motherfucker.

He was just swinging them bitches. They were going crazy with that little bitch, you know what I mean? And it's the best day ever, nigga. If I were to put David Jolly and Martin Phillips next to each other and ask you guys which one went to college for computer science, I do believe zero people would get it correct. This is an unbelievable anomaly. Well, man...

Martin Phillips. So...

Remind us all, how do you make a living exactly? I'm a substitute teacher. Oh, wow. Okay. Down here, yeah. I've been a career-long substitute teacher. I love it. Yeah. I love it. So you strategically are only a substitute teacher. So you only teach when another teacher can't make it. Yeah. Do you push the cart?

the cart with the TV in yourself or do you use that as like a walker? Both. Right. Everyone says that but it's not 1995. Right. They have projectors. Oh, okay. Yeah, they upgrade it. No schools. I guess depends on what district you're in. Right. Exactly.

Exactly. Indeed. The Philadelphia school district does not have any projectors or televisions left right now. They have been looted, everybody. They're looking for certain types of people to get them back. We don't live in Philly, nigga. That's why you got away with it. But I danced and took that shit, nigga. If I would have seen you in a 7'2 teacher when I was a high school boy, I would have had a field day with your ass, boy.

God had a fella, "Ooh, this nigga retarded. Hell yeah! You can have a good day, bitch!" "We can do it. Hey, nigga, do what you want!" Do you have that issue? Do you have that problem? There are certain schools I don't go to.

Fuck yes. Fuck yes, Martin Phillips. Wow. Wow.

I love it. David Jolly. How many fights you done broke up? Zero. One time, there was a fight in the police bathroom and there was a teacher came in and was like, we need a male to go in there to break up the fight. And I was the only male. I was fucking behind my shoulder like... So,

So I'm a complete pussy. I don't break up. And I thought if I broke it up, they would start kicking my ass. Damn it! Hell yeah, I love you, Martin. You're a good dude, man. You all right with me, Martin?

Oh god, you are a funny motherfucker, Martin Phillips. This is great. This is great. So when the kids misbehave, is there something? Do you have something loaded up that you say or do to try to regain control? Well, yeah, no. Usually, you know it's going to be a bad class in the office. It's like, here's our number. Call us if anything happens.

And sometimes I'm like, okay, I'm going to call the number, but I don't want to call the number. And they call my fucking blood, but then I'm like, oh, fuck, I can't even call. Then I call, and there's no fucking answer. And I'm like, fuck. So then...

Sometimes other teachers pick up and they go and yell at the class. And I'm just like a bitch in the corner. And it's like, thank you. And I'm just like, thank you, mister. I fucking love it. Yeah.

What's the worst thing somebody ever told you in class? Actually, people were pretty nice to me. I don't know what they say behind my back, but to my face, it's all been pretty good. So, I didn't know this, but it was a special ed class. Is it every class? Yeah, I was like, I'm not a student, okay? I didn't know that.

Seriously, I'm the teacher. But what they actually didn't tell me was, they said, if you need to get a point across, write it on the board. I didn't think about it. I get there, it was a deaf class. I had no idea. I had no idea. I was just talking my head off. They were just staring at me. I was like...

okay. Then the interpreter showed up. I was like, oh, okay. I was like, wait for the bell, guys. I was like, oh, you probably never heard that bell. Martin, you're a fucking stone cold assassin. You might be...

You might be a substitute teacher, but you are a first string fucking comedian, my friend. I'm so glad that you moved to Austin, Texas, took a fucking chance, gambled on yourself. I think you're exactly right where you belong. And we love you here, of course. You're a legend in Kill Tony folklore and continue to be. So thank you for being you. Make some noise for the great Martin Phillips, everybody. There he goes. We found him.

Out of the bucket, on the road. You believe it, the bucket pools we get here in Austin, the comedy capital of the world. And meanwhile, we found people like that five years ago in the middle of nowhere. Another bucket pool here for Austin. So we're going to meet another one right now. We are on a run of serial killers like never before. Let's see what happens. Make some noise for Carlos Cisneros, everybody. Carlos Cisneros.

Yo, so I got this friend that spends way too much time on the internet and he swears that we all got AIDS from the COVID-19 vaccine. But joke's on him 'cause I already got that shit back in 2007, bro. The old fashioned way. Raw dog and whores! At the morgue. Oh, I like how that dude just fucking cringed a little bit. If it makes you feel any better, the whores were not dead.

Some of them may have been underage though. It only gets worse, it only gets worse. But relax, I don't know if you guys are fact checkers. You can't get AIDS from kids, guys. I don't know if that's something you've heard. Try that in a small town. You thought you were all cool and shit. At least I did. I'm from a small town. Something you don't want to try in a small town? Dating apps. All of them, bro. Everybody's on there. Everybody you know. My mom, my sister.

It's my time. My name is Carlos Cisneros. Thank you very much. Oh my goodness. Carlos Cisneros. Oh my goodness. You're not fooling me, dude. You're not fooling me. You were up earlier. You tucked your afro under your bandana. Oh my goodness. This is real me. Oh my goodness. This nigga bald as fuck.

This is incredible. So, Carlos, let's talk about it. Do you really have AIDS? I don't really have AIDS. Okay. All right. Cool. I wrote a lot of jokes during the pandemic, and that was the first one that I felt was actually any good, and I ran with it. Okay. All right. Cam? I don't know if you heard, but D-Man is going, please stop, nigga. Damn, nigga.

Please. Sometimes D Madness just can't contain himself. He hates bad comedy more than anybody. Plugs his ears, makes a bunch of noises. Fucking... He... Yeah. You're doing good. You're doing good. D, you're lucky you're blind. You don't want to see what's going on here right now. No, I know. I feel it. David Jolly.

I can't believe you came out here on national television and did that bullshit. Hey, TV's dead, man. Hey, you ain't got no fucking friends, or you should get rid of all them motherfuckers. That shit was terrible. It was real bad. Carlos, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? I did a few months before the pandemic, and then a few months after. No, like four months. A few months before, a few months after. Okay. And what do you do for a living?

I'm a respiratory therapist. Respiratory therapist. Sure. So what exactly does you do? Breathing machines at a hospital. Okay. That's your specialty. That's my specialty. How long you been doing that for? 16 years. Right. So respiratory. And I get the feeling that's not the only sucking and blowing that you do, huh? No.

Are you gay, Carlos? I am not. Really? Whoa! Oh my God, you just move around and talk like that? I'm in the club of the Kill Tony, you know? The what? The Kill Tony Club. No, you're not. All right, my bad. What is that? He gave me that stare down too, like, nah. Okay, so you have a cowboy hat there with a bunch of signatures on it. What is that? It is a...

I've been traveling to Austin for quite some time, even before the whole Rogan click moved over here. I'm a musician, so I've been getting signatures from the crowd and whoever. All right, what kind of music do you do? Let me guess, death metal, jazz? I would say like a Jimi Hendrix, Chili Peppers. You play guitar? I play guitar. You sing? I sing. You sing and you play guitar? I do, sir. And you don't have AIDS? And I'm not gay. You sure you don't have AIDS? I do.

You positive? I'm sure. Are you better at music than you are at comedy? I probably am. You probably? Most definitely am. Okay. How long have you been playing music for? Since 1999. 1999. Matt Muehling, what do you think? You want to hear what this guy can do? Matt Muehling's willing to fucking let it happen. Let's see what happens here. Oh, man.

Carlos. Oh yeah, we got a little bit of a... What's going on? We got a lot of luck going on, huh? We got a lot of chords. It's a tight stage. The stage was originally supposed to be custom built around this production, but...

No one communicated with us when building it. So that was kind of a thing. It was a decision by a little bit of upper management. Budget cuts. Yes, not communicate with us. Literally an unlimited budget. But they built it very small. Are you going to be able to do that? ♪

Used to spend my nights out in the ballroom. Lickin' was the only love I'd known.

But you rescued me from reaching for the bottom. And brought me back from being too far gone. You're as smooth as Tennessee whiskey. You're as sweet as strawberry wine. You're as warm

Welcome to the club, baby! You son of a bitch. Carlos. This is one of these guys that came up here and bombed just to show us how good he is at music.

You tried to pull the old trick on me, huh? I apologize, sir. It's funny, your lisp still happens when you're singing. That's because I'm a little faded right now, sir. What are you faded on? Shiner Buck. Have you been sipping on some thister? It's funny, like I started cracking up. You sound great, but there's a blatant lisp. Like, you're a sweet.

Tennessee whiskey. Strawberry wine. There's so many S's in the song that you chose. It's incredible. It was only two chords. That's all I can remember at the moment. My goodness. Somebody get this guy a sasparilla, will ya? Suckin' and suckin'. My goodness, I love it. David Jolly. Suckin' and suckin' that. That was good. So good.

I love it. Well, do you have like music gigs coming up or something like that? I'm trying to get it all started up right now. I think you would kill on Thick Street. Some of these bars have people not as good as you in the daytime, late at night. We could use they could use someone like you. You like playing music. I love it. You live for it.

Tell them to come to the gallery on Thursday. Oh, you just got invited to a gig. Matt Muehling invited you to the gallery on Thursday. Gang violence. The homies. At the gallery at Continental. Yep.

Every Thursday. Every Thursday at what time? 10.30. 10.30 p.m. every Thursday with the homies. Look at that. 10.30 p.m. every Thursday. You can come up, have a jam with them. How does that sound? That sounds awesome. I don't know if you know this, but the gallery that they're talking about, the second floor of the world-famous Continental Club, is literally one of the best music venues in the city. Does this excite you at all? It does.

It does, but I'm only here until Wednesday. Oh, well, then, breaking news, God hates you. This just in. We're getting word from... You know what? Wait, is that Wednesday? Wednesday night. Are you here Wednesday night? We got breaking news again. He can come tonight. Hold on. This just in. Hold on one second. We're getting it. Trying to help him out.

This just in, God hates you. Okay, what are you doing tonight? Getting drunk. Hey, all right. Nothing. Let me ask you this. Do you think that your drinking ever hinders your performance as a musician? It does not. Well, I heard a little bit of murmurs. You want him to come to one song with you guys tonight?

You get to go to the Continental Gallery tonight and do a song at one of the best music venues. I'm honestly shocked. I'm honored. I'm honestly shocked. But these guys are really smart at marketing. They just got all their week of tour dates out there. Really good. They worked their way backwards. Ask him if he's available December 21st at San Antonio. One night only.

San Antonio? Is it really that bad? Congratulations, Carlos. Terrible comedy, great music. Congratulations. There he goes, Carlos Cisneros. And we keep moving on.

All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens next. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Nicholas Cantu. Nicholas Cantu. Cantu. Here we go. Nicholas Cantu, everybody. I look like this because I shook hands with a Mediterranean man at IHOP and the spirit of Guinea Dago flowed from his body to mine.

So that explains the drip. But I think that IHOP was a portal to hell, man, because I was sitting outside having a cigarette. This guy comes up. He's like, what's up, man? My name is... And I'm like, oh, I'm Nicholas. And I must have had some silly fucking pancakes that night because I introduced myself as a young billionaire Latinx trap star. And he goes, oh, word, I am a gang lieutenant for the Pyrus.

That was a gang I thought only existed in Chief Keef lyrics. So this guy goes on. He's like, guess what I have in my pocket right now, man? I'm already shaking hands with Jesus and Muhammad. I'm checked out. And he pulls out a fucking M87 frag grenade. It's the fucking waffle on the shrapnels and peppers, dudes, like eggs. I thought I was cooked. And this fucking guy, man, he's like, yeah, dude, I was in a chase. Threw it in the guy's car. Drove off. Boom. Didn't look back.

I met my fucking GTA Online character that night and fucking he had some bomb waffles inside and a waffle bomb outside. I was fucking done. True story. I bet it is.

It doesn't sound made up at all. It was on Cesar Chavez. Okay. For real. Okay, relax. I almost had my life threatened by Piru, dude. Oh, you just hit yourself in the face with a microphone. Better that than the grenade, man. Okay, Nicholas. All right.

Okay, let's just jump right into it. Have you been on this show before? No, this is my first time. How you doing, guys? How's it going? They don't like you. I get it. They don't like you. They think I'm lying. My dad was a liar. He stole $10,000 from me. Relax. We're going to get to the interview part here in a second. I'm going to let my panel digest what they just saw. Let's go, Cam. I thought she was a lesbian lady the whole time. What's this?

I can't believe y'all got this many serial killers on this motherfucker in the fucking road. Y'all have another one? You a damn serial killer, motherfucker. You kill people. I know the truth. Yeah, for sure. I don't know about this one. I don't know. Nicholas, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? I tried for three years from like 12 to 15, and then this is my first time in five. This is your first time in five years trying it? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, all right. Seems like it. You seem kind of out of touch with the audience. How old are you? I'm 21. 21 years old. Okay. I'm good, man. Thank you. Barely old enough to smoke a black and mild. I had to stop smoking. 21 years old. You still live with your parents? No, I moved out like a month ago. You moved out from your parents' place a month ago. And where is that at? Is that in Austin? San Antonio. San Antonio. What did you say? San Antonio.

San Antonio, Texas. Yeah.

Matt tried to broast you over here. Matt Muehling talks one every four episodes. I got a good one. He's got you. So Nicholas, 21 years old, a month out of living with your parents. You live in Austin now? No, San Antonio. So you still live in San Antonio but no longer with your parents. What's your living situation? Is there a treehouse in the backyard or something like that? I got a treehouse. I got a Thomas the Tank Engine table. It's all fucking lit. No. It's an apartment. Two-bedroom.

Two bedroom. By yourself? Yeah. How do you pay for that? I'm an actor. Okay. What have you been in that we would recognize you from? You watch that Seth Rogen Ninja Turtles movie? Oh, God. No. Yes. Really? I know you did, Cam. I was Leonardo. I was the blue guy. Oh, fuck. Yeah, bro. Don't dab me up yet, nigga. Oh, man.

Well, you got to see a backflip. That was you for real? Yeah, bro. Yeah. Seth Rogen, Ice Cube, Maya Rudolph, all those fucking guys. Oh, for real? Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah. We're getting a sequel. I'm going to rob your ass, nigga. This is beautiful. You got money, bitch. Hell yeah, dog.

That was a good movie. Huh? Do what they were saying. Do what they were saying in the movie. Do the line. Oh, dude, it's just my voice. What do you want me to say? What do you want me to say? There he is. No, this is true. Are y'all IMDBing me right now? Yeah, you're right at the top of the cast. I did not know it was this serious. Bro, that's crazy, bro. Hell yeah. Thank you, man. You're a horrible comedian, but you're an actor. Thank you. Thank you. I try. I got to find one thing and stick to it. Hell.

I really enjoyed that movie. Thank you. I appreciate it, man. Look at you. The Walking Dead. You were in The Unicorn, The Good Place, Skull Island. Wow. You have an unbelievable resume. I started when I was seven. We haven't seen this in a while. Remember in L.A., we used to have unfunny actors on all the time.

It's been forever since we've had an absolutely untalented actor. This is what actors are like, everybody. They're eccentric. They are completely out of touch, but...

Casting directors find them charming. If you're in a room alone with them during the day and you're uncaffeinated and bored, someone like this comes in and you're like, well, they've got it. They get big things from just sitting around. But the people making those decisions are boring and untalented themselves.

It's a machine. This is what it's like when they're in front of real people. This is how completely uncomfortable and weird it is. I was homeschooled too. It's bad for me, bro. And I think I'm autistic. All child actors were homeschooled. Autistic homeschooled actor. You're not really autistic. I think so. What's the test like? Just because you're homeschooled and weren't socializing around people, that doesn't automatically make you autistic. Do you know what stimming is, Tony? What? Stimming. You know what that is? I'm not exactly sure how I would spell what you're saying, but do you? Do you know what the spelling would be?

S-T-I-M-M-I-N-G. It's kind of like ticks with people with Tourette's. They just kind of like spurg out for a second. Yeah, I don't know if you saw. We had Martin Phillips up here earlier. I'm pretty sure he's stimming all around the building right now.

That's stimming, my friend. Whatever you have. I don't know what he's moving on, but I play air drums as my stim. Okay. And I play real drums also. You play real drums? Yeah. Did y'all just let the last guy play guitar? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so crazy. How long have you played drums for? Had a stint when I was six. What did you say?

When you were six? When I was six, I played like one lesson and they tried to teach me Billie Jean and I couldn't get the timing down and I quit. And then I started back up again at 15. At 15. And you've been playing since you were 15? Yeah, pretty much consistently. Okay.

You're like punk blast beats. I don't know if you know this. Are you a fan of the show? Do you know where you're at right now? Because on this show, if someone says they can play drums, we have a historical event called a Mexican Drum Off. Unfortunately, Michael Gonzalez isn't here tonight. You could be Mexican. Okay, John Dees actually has a great idea because it isn't a true Mexican Drum Off because it turns out tonight we have a...

A nigga playing the drums.

It's come full circle. Tonight we might have an actual teenage mutant winning the drum competition.

But John Dees came up with an even better idea. What do we got? Normally, it would be drum solo versus drum solo to become the new drummer of the show. I can get hired? Like I mentioned earlier, Daniel Watson isn't the full-time drummer of the show, so we cannot give away Michael Gonzalez's job.

Without a proper fire. But John D's brilliant, brilliant band leader that he is here with us since our first episodes in Austin, Texas. He has actually decided the entire band, and we've gone through a process together of creating the beautiful, beautiful symphony that happens here. Came up with a great idea, which is instead of you competing in a drum solo battle with the great Daniel Watson, instead, since it was such a challenge to you as a kid...

We want to see if you can now do the Billie Jean thing that you couldn't do before. Alright, for sure. So, Daniel, if you don't mind sharing your... No, no, no, don't beat him to it. We know you can do it, asshole. It's fucking... These Austin musicians are just show-offs. We know you can do it, professional musician. We want to see if this fucking little Stranger Things tweaker can do it.

I'm geeking hard in the upside down. That's what it is. I'm geeking in the upside down. That's the alternate universe shit they got going on. Wow. Casting directors love this shit. Okay. Let's let him step in. Make some noise for Daniel Watson sharing his drugs.

Daniel Watson literally has drumsticks tattooed on his arm. I mean, it is unbelievable. Okay, here we go. Trying the Billie Jean. You guys, how does that start? Does it start with drums or does it start with you guys? Starts with drums. You ready for this? The tempo's gotta be right. Deez literally just said the tempo has got to be right. Ladies and gentlemen, how old were you when you couldn't do it?

Six years old, that microphone's not on. Six years old, we got Red Band hitting black and milds over here. All right, okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is it. Billie Jean, he couldn't do it when he was six. He's 21 years old, 15 years almost to the day in which he couldn't play Billie Jean. And here we are, live, on the number one live podcast in the world, all the pressure in the world. Was the last time you attempted this when you were six?

Yes, indeed, was the answer that he said on the unavailable microphone. He still is hoping and praying that it's on. That talks to the band. Test, test, one, two. Ladies and gentlemen, here it is. Billie Jean with Nicholas Cantu. One, two, a one, two, three, four. Seems a little slow.

David Jolly on the vocals. Billy G is not my lover. Whoa. Oh, my God. Okay. Drums brought to you by Adderall. I think he failed at that, though. That was a little bit slow. Am I right? It was. The tempo was good. It was draggy. It was a little swing. You think it was good? I'm talking to Daniel Watson.

It was terrible. Okay, Daniel, jump in there. Show us how it's done. Just give us... Let's do Billie Jean, and I want David Jolly to sing it. Nicholas, come back up front here. Come back up front, you weird little shit. Look at this guy. 74... Have a seat, Nicholas. Have a seat next to Cam. Yeah, you guys are old classmates together. Have a seat. Cam used to cheat off your tests.

Look at this, absolutely adorable, 74 pounds, Nicholas Cantu, definitely born prematurely. This is Billie Jean in the right tempo, in the right timing, Daniel Watson back on drums, a one, a two, a one, two, three, four. Billie Jean is not my lover. She's just another. I am the one.

Oh, y'all don't know it either. Woo!

My God. Has he heard this show? This show is out of control. Killed it, man. Killed it. Yeah. It was short, but it was sweet. David was about to pull your hair to get you out of this seat. Wow, David, that was horrible. Why did you nominate yourself to do that? You don't even know the words to that. At all. It started way early. It sounded like a good idea at first. You know what I mean? I should have Googled them bitches right quick.

My goodness. You ever sing like that again, I'm calling your probation officer, I swear to God. That'll definitely get me violated. Speaking of getting violated, let's talk to molestation victim Nicholas Cantu again.

I missed Weinstein, bro. I'm so mad. Nicholas, are you working on anything else? What else do you have coming? I mean, you literally have a crazy resume. You've been a child actor since what age? Since seven. Seven years old. Are your parents tough on you? I grew up with a single mom, San Antonio. My dad, again, he stole $10,000 from me. He also hit me for the first time this summer. So it spurred me to get this tattoo, and then I got another one up here.

Okay. So, yeah, real child actor shit going on in my life. I'm playing it by the book. Okay, let me ask you this because now we're getting into interesting territory. Single mom. This is what I should have talked about. Okay, yes, absolutely. This is what you should talk about. The things that make you different and interesting and specifically you is exactly what stand-up comedy is all about. So, as single mom, do you have brothers or sisters? Two brothers. I'm the middle kid. Okay. Are they actors as well? No, no, they don't fuck with that shit. But actually.

Acting is something that you wanted to do? Yeah, man. I watched Diary of a Wimpy Kid movie when I was like maybe six. What was it? The Diary of a Wimpy Kid movie based on those books. Okay. They had a little book that detailed how they made the movie and I read that shit and I was like, that looks like something fun. See, this all makes you so much more likable and endearing now that you're talking about your real self.

So single mom. Okay, next big question coming out. You got hit by your dad first time this year. Why did that happen? So he wanted $3,000 to fix the sprinklers in the front of the house. I'm Mexican, so we can let that one slide. You're Mexican too? You and Paul Deamer are secret Mexicans we're finding out. Mexicans in disguise. This is how they're getting over the border nowadays. Seeming white. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. We don't even have to climb or do nothing. It is Mexican to want to fix the sprinklers in your front yard. Yeah, yeah, I know. He couldn't do them himself. So he wanted $3,000, but I own the house, and he needs to let me or my mom, who is the property manager, know that he's going to do the repair. But I caught him by chance because I FaceTimed him, and he was like, oh, yeah, the sprinklers are broken, by the way. I was like, were you going to tell me? He was like...

Yeah. So I sat down with them. I just talked to my therapist. She said, set the boundary. Don't fucking... I don't know. Follow-up quick question. How long have you had the therapist for? About a year. About a year. Okay, good. So she said not to fucking, like, falter on my...

Right. Take a stand. And so I stood up to my dad and it was scary because he had stolen 3,000 from me forging a check and then the 10,000 through my credit card and then it was like I was just so fucked up over that and then I finally had the strength to confront him and he was acting like a middle schooler. Like, if you think I'm 70 pounds, like really fucking little guy, he's 5'6", he

dresses like a tech developer and he is just not, like he said that he would get into fights as a kid. He started with shoving and I like barely moved and then he put his hands on my neck and it was like maybe I had a weighted blanket on, you know, something like that. And then he slaps me twice across the face because I called him. Open hand slap? Back hand. Oh.

Very interesting. That hurts. It would have hurt if he wasn't 60 pounds sopping wet with rain boots on. Wow, look at that. Look at this. The flyweight division going at each other here.

He just sent me a message today over email. So what did he say? Sorry about that? No. Can I borrow more money? He said, I have an ego. He was like, don't let the ego get in the way of the relationship between you and your dad. Splinter tell you that. Yeah, you're like, motherfucker, I'm Leonardo. Yeah, I got Ninja Turtle shit, dude. But yeah, that's what happened. So then I left.

Wow. I left the house and then I went to New York and Chicago. I saw my friends and I was fucking... Spending that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle money. Dude, I was actually like going through a manic episode and I think I spent maybe $20,000 on clothes. This is all from that. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. I love it. David Jolly also has spent $20,000 of your dollars on clothes. That's dope. You got the Apple Pay.

Hey, what's your favorite drug? My favorite drug? I don't know the fuck with drugs, man. I just like cigarettes. That's it. I used to smoke weed, but ever since I stopped, it turned me into like a superhuman because I'm like...

much more on my feet. I feel like I'm going to be a better actor because of it. And also, I freestyle now. I don't even know how that happened. You freestyle? Oh, please, please, please. Tell Daniel what kind of beat you want. I need a beat. I know this has been a crazy talent show all night. Let's get some outcast equipment type shit. People are going to hate that I've had you up here for 18 minutes. They're going to be like, drumming, acting, stand-up, fucking, this guy needs to do this. This guy's mediocre at everything. Yeah, I know.

I'm a jack of all trades. Oh, shit. John Deese is giving you the beat. You're in trouble now. Let's see how fucking... Give me three words. I'll incorporate them into the freestyle. Okay. Dildos, donuts, and drama. Dildos, donuts, and drama. Okay. Here we go. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Come on. We got some keys and some drums. All right. Here we go.

Hey, I'm on kill Tony today, and I got some dildos in my ass that I'm trying to give away I got a trap to do

♪ I got some money to make ♪ ♪ Baker needs the cookies made ♪ ♪ But it's not made without the dough, bro ♪ ♪ Hey, it's a dildo ♪ ♪ Trying to sell my dildos ♪ ♪ The drama is really real though ♪ ♪ But I ain't get it like that ♪ ♪ I'm a real hoe ♪ ♪ Come on, I'm an actor ♪ ♪ Leonardo, that's a factor ♪ ♪ Got the shit and I got the bands ♪ ♪ And I got the shit and I'm with a live band ♪ ♪ Hey, where's the bass at? ♪ ♪ I need some bass ♪ ♪ I need something to ride all the way in this race ♪ ♪ Let's get it fast ♪ ♪ Come on, baby, I'ma hit your ass ♪ ♪ What, what, what, what, what ♪ ♪ What was that last word? ♪

I already hit that. Donuts, okay. Donuts, oh yeah. We got voodoo down the street and I'm fucking gay. Hey, my girlfriend just broke up with me. Trying to get with a trans bae so she can take me to Chardonnay. Come on now. Everybody knows I got the real flow. I'm a real go. I got a dildo. I got a donut. They're gonna fit together. Like some Legos, get it together. Come on, man. Don't you see the tether? I'm trying to pull you out of the fucking mud pit. We're stuck in it.

We're stuck in it. Fuck yeah. And that's it. So if I was high, if I was high, I would not be in this. Strangely enough, my favorite music performance of the night. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. I don't think, and it's taken 20 minutes for it to happen, but very rarely do I go from absolutely, completely disliking somebody to slowly finding them more and more charming. Yes.

I like your style, but remember what made it work for you. It's talking about you. That was a bit for something established. Your life. You don't have to. The mistake that so many actors make, and trust me,

We did this show in Los Angeles for fucking what? Seven, eight, whatever. Nine years, basically. We've dealt with so many actors trying to take a shortcut to get famous. You're already a very successful actor. The mistake that the actors make is they try to act

like a comedian. It wasn't until you really started telling your story that at least I found you to be interesting. 100%. I appreciate that, Tony. It's been a real pleasure, man. I've been a fan of the show for a while. It's cool. Very cool. I'm very glad that I'm up here. Next time you write for stand-up, write that shit. Write about your dad. Write about being a child actor. People aren't going to be

turned off by you saying you're a child actor, it might take a second for you to win them back over, but once they realize that you're being honest and real, it's going to be good for you. For sure. I appreciate that advice, man. Serious. Did you ever act? Were you ever an actor? I mean, it's easy for me. He's just got it like that. Catch me on Judd Apatow's HBO's Crashing. Okay. No one knows about it. TV's dead.

So true, that's why I'm running a YouTube channel now. He's gonna catch it. He's 21. You fucking kidding me? I'm nimble, I'm quick. You kidding me? His dad's throwing hands at him. You think he's not gonna catch a fucking joke book? He's got this shit. Look at... What is this?

Red Band. Oh my God. I should have put the mic up. This goes to the highlight reel of Red Band being right about something. For those of you that have been fans of the show for a long time, you know that that highlight reel is about 12 seconds long. And this is going to be 18 seconds long now. I'm staking my claim. God damn, man. Whiffed it.

Nicholas, I want you to continue to sign up for this show and you figured out the trick here. Write about you. Write about stuff that only you can talk about. Your perspective. And fucking do it. You got a gel blaster? Go shoot your little father with it if he tries to fuck with you again. There goes Nicholas Cantu. And the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie? It's actually really good. Check out the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie. He's literally listed above John Cena on the fucking IMDB boards.

Kind of crazy. That's right. Take it easy, y'all. Have a great night. Thanks for having me. Nicholas Cantu, everybody. 21 years old. He's probably going to be famous, more famous than all of us for the rest of our lives. Literally has a crazy resume. People like that act forever. He's going to be an actor forever. He's probably going to play like Little Batman one day or something.

Batman babies. What did I do here? Is this the next one? Did I drop a name? Oh, okay. You guys having fun out there? All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise. We've spent way too much time with fucking Nicholas Cantu.

But if you tell me your father just hit you for the first time 13 minutes into your interview, you kind of get an extended interview. Smart move. Very strategic. That kid knows how to work show business. That's why he's been an actor since he was, what did he say, six? Seven. Make some noise for your next comedian, Spencer Boone, everybody. Here we go. Spencer Boone.

You guys having fun out there, huh? Seems like we're losing some energy. You guys all wish you were child actors? You guys okay? Make some noise one more time, good and loud, for Spencer Boone, everybody. I found out recently that baptisms involve water. Growing up, I always thought they were locked doors and secrets kept. I don't know if you ever had a chance to gargle on a good old God-sent glizzy.

Who knew holy water was so viscous? Salty. I don't know. Afterwards, they give you a book with a cross on it and your name on the inside. You get to keep that for forever, like a memento to a crime. My parents hate that joke. Always have to tell them a grown man did not force himself on me as a child. That shit was totally consensual. But Deacon Dave was a looker. 20 bucks is 20 bucks. Like...

Pokemon cards aren't free and I'm trying to collect holographics. You know what I'm saying? Makes it hard to go back to singing Jesus Loves Little Children. You know what I mean? Alright, thank you guys.

Okay, Spencer Boone. Hell yeah, buddy. Welcome, welcome. This is your first time on the show? Yes, sir. How long have you been doing stand-up? Coming up on four years. Four years. All of it here in Austin? No, I've been here for a couple months, but I'm from Virginia. From Virginia. What part of Virginia? Charlottesville. Okay. I'm from a county over from that in Orange. Okay. How far is that from Tyson's? Oh, probably just an hour and a half. Okay. Something like that, yeah. I was just there on Saturday night. I saw, yeah. Yeah, it was fun.

Sold out 2,300 people, but who's counting? You know what I mean? Anyway, so what made you move to Austin, Texas?

this show, the comedy scene, being able to get up more than, in a week and a half, I get up more than two months at my old place. Absolutely. A mic a week. A fun fact is that it's the same way, you hear that about Virginia right now, but it's the exact same thing going on in Los Angeles, in New York. The veterans that

have a foothold there in those cities aren't going anywhere. They're scared to death to leave those places. So they have those spots. So like a Jetski Johnson or a Weinshank or a Kim Congdon, these people that are trying to come up on these scenes come here and they can do 13 spots in three or four days. Whereas in LA, you're leaving a Vales, but they have you know, fucking...

Tons of actors. People that they have to get on stage, you know what I mean? It has to be an eclectic crew in these blue cities now. And you, look at you. You don't fall into any diversity whatsoever. No. Hot topic manager? You know what's interesting about you? Hmm. Is that you seem like you would be an actual fan of death metal jazz music. A hundred percent, yeah. Yeah.

What do you do for work, Spencer? Right now I'm looking for more work. Do little part-time stuff. Like part-time gigs on like an app or I do a thing where I check parking lots but I don't write tickets. I just kind of scan them. You scan what? The parking lot? I get paid to scan license plates through an app. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Interesting. So, yeah, go ahead. And you fine? You the one that fine niggas? I can if I want to but most of the time I don't. Hey nigga, fuck you, man. What? What?

Yeah, because they caught my ass for $400 in the city. Oh, no, this ain't nothing like that. It's only select parking lots, and they have like 40 signs that say, hey, pay to park here. You think I'm going to pay? So it's kind of on them. I ain't paying for shit, nigga. I love your set, good set. I hate what you do. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of it. If I see somebody sleeping in their car, I'm not going to write them a fucking ticket. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not a dick. You hear that, David Jolly? Yeah.

Hey, fuck you, Tony. Fuck you, asshole. I got a goddamn residence, motherfucker. You kissed my ass. A residence. That is such the words of someone that fucking doesn't. I ain't got... I don't have a fucking car. I'm asleep in the motherfucker, you know what I mean?

Yes, yes. Describe your residence more to us, David Jolly. Come on. It's a full bedroom. Full bedroom? Yeah. All right, let me shut the fuck up before I say something. I'm going to just be quiet right now. That's the best medicine.

Oh, God. You fucking crack me up, David Jolly. Just a reminder, David Jolly has the new Gang Violence shirt available at BonesEye.com. A new podcast called I Know You Fucking Lion. A very long title. That is the actual title. I Know You Fucking Lion. I said, that's the name of your podcast? He said, I-K-Y-F-L. I'm like, okay. Everyone's going to totally remember that.

I know you fucking lying. And the Gang Violence Tour taking place now. Not to be confused with the new Cam Patterson shirt selling out everywhere at killmerch.com. Comes with a free rock. And his new YouTube show, Cam and the Whites. Am I saying that right? Hell yeah, Cam and the Whites. Cam and the Whites, where Cam talks with white people about...

Both white people shit and compares it to black people shit. No, no, no. I do white people shit. Like, I went rock climbing a couple days ago because y'all like that. Hell yeah. And you do it, and they get to see the perspective of a... Of a nigga. Amazing. We've got to have an N-word count on this episode, I think, tonight. There's a lot of niggas being said right now, I'll tell you that. David Jolly, will you contribute to the count, please? Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga. Nigga, nigga.

That sounds like a hospital after somebody dies for the people on YouTube, by the way. There's just a bee. Yeah. I love it. So, Spencer, tell us something more interesting about your life. Some fun facts about you that make you different or stand out. I used to be over 420 pounds. Whoa. Yeah.

You got up to 420, you smoked pot, and then you're like, I gotta get my life together. The scale stopped at 420. There was a week where I wasn't registering. Oh, shit. Damn. So what happened? How did you do it? Explain to Red Band how you lost the weight. How much did you gain? Apparently I've been dying for a long time. Not just from the overweightness, but like...

At the age of 30, I found out that I had celiac disease, lactose intolerance, and an allergy to meat from a tick bite called alpha-gal. There you go.

The old tick bite. Yeah. We know about this. So basically they took away all my bread, meat, and cheese. So like all my daily coping mechanisms I just wasn't allowed to have anymore. Oh my goodness. This is Red Band's worst nightmare. Yeah. It's not great. It's not great. So wait. They took away your what? What can you not eat right now? Gluten.

Dairy or mammal meat. So I can have like chicken and fish. Breaking news. God hates you. That was Cam Patterson on the assist there. That was written by Cam Patterson that moment of the show. It's okay. It's very good. So what do you eat now? Chicken, seafood, fruits, vegetables, stuff like that. So you're black now. What? That's racist.

Red Band, what the fuck? That's so stupid. You know, I had a grill with my girl around there, so fuck you, Red Band. What the hell, nigga? That was Racism, brought to you by Red Band, everybody.

I love it. So, okay. So you must be losing weight constantly eating that clean, right? I did for the longest time. At one point I lost 160 pounds. Wow, that is me. That's a whole me. That is my entire fucking body. I've put some weight back on being in Texas because I eat shit I shouldn't. Like what? Like Terry Blacks. It's good. Not to be confused with our panel, Scary Blacks. Oh, yeah.

Thank you. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Some ashes flying in the air. I thought it was my cigarette. It was David's hand. Hey, fuck you, Tony. Fuck you, you piece of shit. Fuck you. You asshole. That's why you're going bald at the top, mother fucker. By the way, before people complain on the internet, we're all friends here. So when I point to say the N-word or he says, fuck you, Tony, we're friends, internet. Fuck you.

These fucking people are going to be babies. You're going to kill Tony after this, dude. That nigga changed my life, bitch. Goddamn right.

Mine too. Yep, absolutely. 100% out here changing the lives of the blacks. You like the NAACP? What? You like a white NAACP by yourself? I am. I am the white NAACP. The NAACP. Not to be confused with I-K-Y-F-L, which is the new podcast by David Jolly. Yeah!

I love it. You're a cool guy, Spencer Boone. I'm going to give you some Zippix nicotine toothpicks. These are cinnamon. These are going to help curb your appetite. I'm going to tuck it inside of a large Kill Tony joke book. And...

And you're leaving with a brand new state-of-the-art gel blaster. I'm going to toss this at you. One of the running things of the show is will the person catch it? I believe you will. He'll catch it. Okay. We know. Everybody catches it. Poor Nicholas Cantu tried the one-handed catch after freestyling about dildos, donuts, and drama. He had extra confidence, okay?

Congratulations. Welcome to Austin, Texas. I love that people are moving here from the middle of nowhere and both coasts to chase their dreams. Spencer Boone, everybody. There he goes. All right. We're running into overtime here. This is a late-running show. You guys have energy left? I pulled one last name out of the bucket. Okay. I like this. Good. Good crowds the last two weeks, I must say.

All right, final bucket poll of the night goes by the name of Billy Ray Griffin, everybody. Three names. Here we go. Billy Ray Griffin to close the show out of the bucket polls. Billy Ray Griffin. Okay, here he is. One more time for Billy Ray Griffin, everybody. So I got some really good news. I just found out my brother's off the spectrum. Yeah, can I get a round of applause, guys? Come on. Oh, he's not retarded. He just doesn't have internet.

I think they should come up with an all trans boy band and name them New Kids on the Cock. So my mom's name is Patty with an I. If she didn't do dishes, my dad called her Patty with a black eye. She left them. Now she's Patty with a black eye. Unlike my mom, I'm glad that joke hit. So I just recently got out of jail. Yeah, man, I got arrested because I got in a crazy fight. When I got out, my friend was like, hey, man, they got a thing in Texas called mutual combat.

If you say that, you won't get any trouble. Well, I fucked up because I yelled Mortal Kombat. All right, guys, I'm Billy Ray Griffin. Billy Ray Griffin with 58 seconds. Thank you.

Okay. Let's talk about it. I remember you, Billy Ray. You were on an episode with Adam Ray, and he bought you a hotel when you first moved here. You didn't have a place to sleep that night. And what else? We tried to get you a job or something like that? Yeah, I got a job. I got hired. And I did that for a little bit. Then I was working at a restaurant recently, and I got arrested. What did you get arrested for, Billy Ray? I was...

dude put his hands on me and like he poked me in the face he poked you in the face what part of the face like this aggressive yeah i'm like no we can't even fucking imagine we eat it now yeah so he did that and then like he's swinging on me bro he started swinging on you after the poke after that well i called his mom a bitch but hold on a second

Hold on. At exactly which moment did you call his mom a bitch? After he poked me on the face. Right, so there's a poke on the face, yo, your mom's a bitch, and then fists. And then fists. And was he landing punches? He swing on me. And he did the hockey move, too. What's that? Like, he put my shirt over my face. Oh, shit. It's not like he kicked your ass. No, girl.

I had to get him. So the reason... Hey, once that head go over the shoulder, bitch, it's over. You hear me? So I was afraid.

So I grabbed whatever I could, and what I grabbed was a beer glass, a beer bottle, and I'm busting the forehead. A beer bottle over the forehead. Indeed, that will get you in jail. That is what we call assault with a deadly weapon, believe it. Well, they lowered it to a misdemeanor. They lowered it to a misdemeanor. Okay, I'm going to go with my senior law correspondent, David Jolly, here on the...

If you haven't seen his rap sheet, it reads like the Holy Bible. Hey, they ain't do no background check. That's all I'm going to say.

And by the sounds of things, that sound like bullshit. Yeah, bro. I believe you, though. You know you my dog, Billy Ray. Yeah, dude. David, if you were his public defender in this case, look out there right down the barrel, a camera one, and like it's the judge, and try to get him off. Here he goes. David Jolly, the world's worst public defender. Dear your honor, you can look my motherfucking defender right in the eyes and see he retarded as hell. Yeah.

I love sluts. He is a goddamn retard. Let him off now. Come on. They gonna cut his goddamn check off. ESC, baby. Hey, you shut the fuck up. I'm trying to get you off. My defendant is a goddamn retard. A goddamn retard.

This is the greatest show on planet Earth. Doesn't make any sense. That nigga guilty. He did the shit. And it was a black dude. They let him go, but they arrested me. It was a black guy? Yeah. Oh my God. Why was he mad he let him go?

I don't know. I was surprised. How many times did... What? I didn't say nothing. I'm taking it back. I love you. He should have got arrested. Bro, it was gang violence. You were just mad he hit you with that shirt move. He got me good. I ain't gonna let him fade me. Did he fuck you up bad? No, he just got my lip a little bit. I fucked him up. That sounds like a motherfucking lie, bitch. No, I swear to God, Google it.

You on Google? You on Google. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. You on the Google? How black was this guy on a scale from Mars Martian to David Jolly? What are we talking about here? Are you pointing at the bucket? Holy shit. Oh my god. Wait, is that just because your shirt was over your head? It was complete darkness.

Oh my goodness. D Madness just said, imagine that on my complete darkness line. The little things you guys miss out there. It's incredible. Yeah, I was pissed off. I missed four Kill Tony episodes. I could sign up for it.

Yeah, my birthday's New Year's. I was about to be mad if I missed New Year's because that's my birthday's New Year's Day. Okay, you're planning on going to the sold-out H-E-B Center show and signing up? You bought tickets. You're going to be on the inside. Yep, and I'm going to sign up for it, so that's going to be cool. Yep, absolutely. That would be a New Year's Eve treat. You in an arena. Yeah.

That bitch wanna be silent as hell, boy. Shit. We're gonna hear the popcorn popping during your set. It's gonna be exciting. So Billy Ray, you've been working hard at Sam. How long were you in jail for? 22 days. 22 days. So explain to us some highlights and some lowlights to jail. What surprised you? I got to do comedy in jail. That too. Wait, what? I did stand up in jail. I did comedy. I told jokes. You did? Yeah. Okay. Okay.

So you fucked yourself in the ass. That's incredible. How did that go? David Jolly, how do you think it went? Hey, when you bombed in jail, did they beat your ass? I didn't bomb in jail. Oh, you ain't bombing jail? No. They liked it? Yeah, man. There's nothing else for them to be entertained by, so they're like, that is the best thing in the world. Yeah. Did you get a standing ovation? I mean, yeah, they were standing. Oh.

Okay, so that was the highlight. What was your least enjoyable moment at jail before we get you off the hook here? The food sucked. Uh-huh, right. The food was bad. Can you explain to us your least favorite meal in jail? Cornbread, like stale cornbread. David Jolly's mouth is watering right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like cornbread, motherfucker. I know you like cornbread. I might go get me something after this. That is exactly what my joke implied, is that you love cornbread. I fucking love it. And I like collard greens, and I like hot sauce. Okay, well, things we all knew for $1,000. Let me guess, you like the Wu-Tang Clan as well? Yeah, I don't. No, I'm from the South, man. Fuck Wu-Tang. Okay. Whoa, whoa, my bad. I'm sorry. There ain't no one to fuck with. I'm sorry.

Who's this man? Yeah, that fucked up. I don't think Wu-Tang is the clan you need to be worried about, David Jolly. Oh. All right. Billy Ray Griffin, there you go. You got a joke book before? I got a little one. You got a little one, and that is how it will remain. We are going to give you some Zippix toothpicks, though. Congratulations. There he goes, Billy Ray Griffin. Uh-oh.

There he goes, everybody. Billy Ray Griffin. And I do believe... Oh, shit, look at this guy squeezing his way through to the restroom. Someone's about to take a massive shit. That is incredible. Unbelievable. How did he get through there like that? That is amazing. I didn't know that was even possible. I've heard of a walkway. That was a waddle way. Okay. Okay.

Well, it appears to be that that's it. We thank you guys. Oh, but wait. Indeed, there's only one way to end a show like this.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the reigning, defending, Kill Tony Hall of Famer. Record holder for everything he's ever done. Most sets, most minutes, most interviews, everything. Slaying in theaters all around the country, opening for me today.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody.

Let me hear y'all make some noise if you stand at the gate to personally shake hands with and thank every Sky Medallion Gold member. It's a shout out to Delta. Okay, let's keep it going. Joe Biden recently made a huge gaffe when he referred to LL Cool J as a talented rapper.

A lady is suing Disney World after water was forced inside her vagina on a water slide. The good news is she stands to make a lot of money. The bad news is it was Red Band's mom. Red Band, what was her old ass doing at Typhoon Lagoon? California Senator Dianne Feinstein died two years ago.

No, but apparently she actually had some dirt on Hillary Clinton. Okay. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Exactly one minute, by the way. The master of the craft. The undefeated, undisputed...

Champion of Kill Tony. Digging deep into his ear right now. Yeah, my ear has been itching all night inside of my ear hole. Why do you think that is? I don't know. I've gotten this new listening device saying, Tony, this is a true story. I have found these people. They just moved into the apartment complex where I live. And I'm pretty sure they're drug dealers. I have been looking out of my window literally eight hours at a time during the day and I

I confronted one of the girls the other morning. She had these horrible sores all over her legs. And I go up and I'm like, oh, what, did you just move here? What's going on? And she said, yeah, my ex-boyfriend is really abusive. And I was like, are you sure you fucking live here? And she said, you need to leave. Why are you acting so animated talking to me? So it kind of pissed me off that a literal crazy person called my fucking ass out for being crazy. I'm not fucking...

It took a hit to my confidence when that happened. But other than that, I've been doing all right. For those of you that may have not understood that story...

William is the type of neighbor that does indeed look out of his window a lot. He's kind of like a 75-year-old man trapped in the body of whatever the fuck that is. He writes letters to the manager about his neighbors. And he did. That is an actual... William has been... A lot of what you hear, believe it or not, is real with William Montgomery. Including the part about Red Band's mom.

Yeah, her pussy was bleeding. But this is real. William did talk to this lady, and then you complained to the manager of your building, and then what happened? I told the manager that they were walking in their apartment with a bunch of bags with TJ Maxx on the bags. I think it was all stolen goods, and then I was thinking afterwards, I'm sure the lady is thinking I'm just...

Fucking person making fun of TJ Maxx. I'm not. I love TJ Maxx. But yeah, I'm having second thoughts. I should have deleted the email. I shouldn't have sent it. What's so funny, Red Band? Cam Patterson. Y'all just moved in, bro. You don't got to worry about it, dog. You're going to be fine. Hey, man, fuck you. I don't live over there. I live in a real piece of shit.

Yeah, I live okay. Yeah, it's no, these scary looking white people. I'm sure people thought I was talking about some blacks or whatever. They weren't black? No, I'm kidding. What, they were Puerto Ricans? Uh, Filipinos, I think. So...

You look out your window a lot. You're keeping an eye on everything. Has there been more suspicious behavior that we haven't heard about? We got back, well, you got back Sunday from the road. Yeah, there's this anorexic girl. I'm always watching her walking around. She is horribly skinny, and the ambulance came to her apartment a couple days ago before we left to go to Virginia, so I think she might have died. I don't know. LAUGHTER

I was looking at Adam and they rolled her out with a sheet over her head. So I do think she died. She was really skinny. Very rarely do they, uh, very rarely do paramedics, um, put a sheet over a living person's head. So I think she died. Extremely, extremely rare. Yeah. Unless the person's just very sleepy. Yeah, it could have been that, but I think she died. You don't want to bother them with the bright lights of the outside. What is that Uber?

Okay. What else is going on, William? Somebody died. The drug dealers. What else is going on? I finally have some shows, Tony, where I'm doing some rare headlining sets. Whoa, headlining. And I think I'm now saying it too late. It's coming up in Vegas and then San Diego and Memphis before that. So we'll see how it goes. Are you going to name the dates of these shows? I should have written it down on my note card. Okay.

Honestly, fucking... Do you have any idea what month they're in? Yeah, October. I think the San Diego one is the last weekend of October and the fucking Vegas one is the week before that. So we'll see. We'll see if I can do more than 20 minutes. A master promoter, William Montgomery. Yeah, we'll see if I can do 20 minutes, over 20 minutes. That's all I've been doing. What's funny, fucking idiot? Catch him doing the same 20-minute set three times in a row in Vegas and...

I'll have a lot of fun, you'll have a lot of fun, and if you show up, yeah, I'm probably just doing 20 minutes, so people need to get ready for a 20-minute headlining set. Can you give them a little taste of, like, can you do one joke that you do in your 20-minute set? Oh, I get all that damn, oh! That's a book I'm working on about the only black lady on the Titanic. Oh!

See? Yeah. That was good. That shit crushes in theaters. We're having a lot of fun. I kick him out there first to get the party started in these theaters, and he fucking does. It's been a lot of fun. Yeah. Somebody died during David Lucas' set, or all both. They were having a heart attack, I think. It was wild. There was a guy during David Lucas' performance at the Capital One Hall that in the front row,

who was having a heart attack during David Lucas' set. A literal heart attack during David's set. Someone had a heart attack and it wasn't David Lucas. It is unbelievably incredible. What do you think, David Jolly? That's real gang violence right there, boy. Lucas out here killing motherfuckers with jokes. That guy's okay, by the way. William, let me ask you a question. What would you do if two people moved into your apartment building that looked like my esteemed panel here?

I'd come over there with some cookies that I had freshly baked and try to just make friends because I might, if I'm being very honest with you, I'd probably be a little bit nervous. It's been nice being around y'all and around y'all. I'm not normally around a bunch of black people, but it's been a pleasure. So I'd probably go over there and try to make friends. Is there anything that you're passionate about this week?

Ooh, what am I not passionate about this week? I saw the new Saw 10 movie last night. That was a lot of fun. Saw 10? Saw 10. I spent $75 on the popcorn bucket and Saw cup. So that was exciting.

And the popcorn really wasn't all that good. And it was a giant bucket, but I forced myself to eat it. And Tony, I'm really excited, actually, about the fucking bidet up in the green room bathroom right now. Oh, shit. There is a new bidet. There's a new bidet up there, and I feel sorry for the motherfucker that has to clean it, because I pissed all over it. And I'm not going to stop pissing all over the fucking...

I don't know who has to clean that shit up every night, but I'm gonna be peeing on it every fucking night.

You're going to pee on the bidet? Yes, just on the seat and the bidet, just all parts of it. I don't know if you've noticed, it's coming out a long ways. It seems like a weird construction on that thing. I don't know. It is a little misshapen. I'm not exactly sure who is in charge of lining up the bidet with the toilet here in the green room. It's a different color, too. It's also a different color than the toilet. The toilet is black. The bidet is white.

What is a bidet? A bidet is... That's the Buddha hole cleaner. When they shoot the water, you Buddha hole. That is exactly how a doctor... Oh, he's pissing on that shit. Nigga, that shit gay. You know what I'm saying? I love gay people. Cam Patterson, charming as hell. You should do a show called Cam and the Gays. Oh, shit. Had to be hard, hell yeah. Oh, shit. I know... What was that?

What was that? What was that supposed to be? The beginning of the Cam and the Gays theme song. Oh. Here we go. Here it is. The theme song to Cam and the Gays. Cam and the Gays. And then it's just right being on the show. William, we love you. You did it again. William Montgomery, everybody.

Cam Patterson, the shirt, available at killmerch.com. Cam and the whites at Cam Patterson on YouTube. Gang violence shirts from David Jolly at bonsai.com. Bonsai books also available at killmerch.com. Selling like crazy. The drawing from the great Ryan J. Ebel is in featuring David Jolly and Cam Patterson. Oh!

And it is cool as hell. They don't normally see drawings of them unless it's a police sketch, so this is very exciting. Thank you to ZipX Toothpicks, making the best nicotine toothpicks on planet Earth. Thank you to Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hull Law Firm, Connect, Mobile Health.

Ninjabus.com, Austin Security Guard Service, and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. How about a hand for the great Daniel Watson on the drums, everybody? Paul Deamer on the horn. Dean Madness on the bass. John Dees on the keys. And Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. Check out.

Check out the Kill Tony band every other Wednesday and Secret Show every Thursday at thesunsetstripatx.com. Yes, no doubt about it. How about one more time for the great Cam Patterson and David Jolly, everybody? We did it again. We love you guys. Some official Kill Tony merch for sale on your way out, available only here, not online. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody.

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