#632 - SUGA SEAN O'MALLEY + JOE LIST
02:14:03 Share

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. If you want to check out any past episode, check out DeathSquad.tv. There you have all the links to all the video and audio of all the past episodes at DeathSquad.tv. If you want to check out Tony and his new tour, he's all over the road right now. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com to check out his tour schedule and everything Golden Pony.

And KillMerch.com is everything Kill Tony for merchandise. Get all the new hats, shirts, and everything else at KillMerch.com. And don't forget, if you're in Austin, Texas, check out my new comedy club, The Sunset Strip. It's at SunsetStripATX.com. The secret shows every single Thursday. Check us out, SunsetStripATX.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, y'all. HelloFresh makes home cooking easy, fun, affordable, and convenient by shipping everything you need to prepare delicious meals right to your door. Get 50% off plus 15% off for the next two months with code 50KTSHOW at HelloFresh.com slash 50KTSHOW.

Hey everybody, Kill Tony live from the HEB Center in Austin, Texas. Saturday, December 30th at 7 p.m. Just went on sale and you have to trust me, tickets are going lightning fast. It's absolutely unbelievable. These will be the first podcasts of Kill Tony ever in an arena. This is a

Two and a half, three times as big as the ACL Live Theater that we did for the 10-year anniversary. We've become an arena act. So check it out. It's going to be crazy. A lot of surprises, a lot of fun, unbelievable guests. It's a big production. This is our version of WrestleMania. Go to Ticketmaster.com. Look up Kel Tony. It's the one with tickets available. We're going back-to-back nights, the 30th and the 31st. HEB Center, live. ♪♪♪

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchclap! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? That's Redman, everybody. Look at him.

This is the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony brought to you by Gel Blaster, The Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Connect Mobile Health, which is an IV drip company. They'll come to you. Use the promo code KILLTONY10 and save 10%. Hall Law Firm, the best DUI lawyers in all of Austin, Texas. For those locals out there that might have some drinks and like to drive. Austin Security Guard Service, the best security guards in the world are here in Austin. CM Smokehouse,

and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, which proudly presents the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band, everybody. Michael Gonzalez gigging in Los Angeles this week, so we are blessed with the prodigy himself, James Atkins on the drums, everybody. The great Paul Diemer on the horns, everyone. The Executioner, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar.

and the backbone of the band, the one and only Dee Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. John Dees is on tour doing arenas with the great Gary Clark Jr. However, we do have a very special treat for y'all, a return of a legendary band member, one of the funniest comedians in the history of the show. Make some noise for standing in on the horns tonight. Make some noise for the great Jetski Jesse Johnson, everybody. ♪

Oh yeah, here she is. Choke Assassin will be mic'd up tonight, chiming in on both the horns and the jokes. So much fun. Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it available for you here right now. ♪♪

UFC fans, this weekend is the weekend. It is indeed the massive rematch between Makachev and Charles Oliveira. We have teamed up with the DraftKings Sportsbook for an exciting new offer. New customers who sign up using promo code KILLTONY, all one word, and bet just $1,000.

on any of this weekend's matches will receive $200 in bonus bets instantly. What an unbelievable deal, Red Band. Stay in on the action and use your $200 in bonus bets on DraftKings Same Fight Podcast.

You can win, you can play, and you're going to have a lot of fun. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. New customers use promo code KILLTONY and bet just $5 on any wager and get $200 in bonus bets instantly. That's promo code KILLTONY, all one word, K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y, or KILLTONY.

Only at DraftKings. Hey, y'all. I have to tell you about this super blend I'm loving called Kachava. It's hands down the best thing I've found to feed my body, the nutrients it craves. Kachava is an all-in-one plant-based super blend made up of superfoods, greens, plant proteins, antioxidants, adaptogens, probiotics. In other words, everything your body craves to feel your best.

And I know what you're thinking. Something this good for me can't possibly taste delicious. That's where Cachava really earns the thousands of five-star reviews. It tastes amazing. It's creamy, smooth, and comes in five delicious flavors. I'll tell you right now, the vanilla and the coconut acai are my favorite, but it also comes in chocolate, chai, and matcha.

Red band? Some folks like to drink it as part of their healthy breakfast or lunch, and others love it as a protein-packed snack before or after a workout. It's perfect for this because it has 25 grams of plant protein per serving. Personally, I like to drink cachiva just laying around on the couch.

It actually, it feels great because I don't like eating too much. So it's great to just have a nice meal real quick that's delicious and gives me all the protein and nutrients I need. No doubt about it. And Cachava is offering our listeners 10% off for a limited time. Just go to cachava.com slash 10%.

Tony spelled K-A-C-H-A-V-A and get 10% off your first order. That's K-A-C-H-A-V-A.com slash Tony.

Hey, y'all. For the smoothest cannabis smoking experience, you got to try a freeze pipe. Freeze pipe makes a unique line of freezable pipes, bubblers, and bongs that cool smoke by hundreds of degrees for icy smooth tokes without the throat burn, chest pain, or coughing attacks. They even have freezable devices built specifically for cooling joints, blunts, and vapes. We use it. We smoke all the time. I'm going to hand it off to Eric.

bed. Yeah, when we were in Ohio, we used to put snow in our pieces. I remember that, yeah. Snow hits. Well, now you don't have to do that because of science. The secret is the detachable glycerine chambers that come on every piece. Pop one of these chambers in the freezer for an hour and as smoke passes through it, it instantly is chilled by over 300 degrees. Simply inhale and relax as freeze pipes, icy glycerin chambers do all the heavy lifting. Speak

and of doing all the heavy lifting. It's me, Tony, again. Shop the smoothest pipes, bubblers, bongs, and dab rigs at everyday great prices by visiting thefreezepipe.com and use code Tony for 10% off your entire order. That's thefreezepipe.com and use code Tony for 10% off. Again, thefreezepipe.com. Use code Tony, 10% off. Shop today and start fighting fire with ice.

Everybody knows that when you get down, it can affect your entire life. Talking with a therapist can help you to become your best self. And finding a therapist has never been easier with Talkspace. We know a lot of people that have used it. A lot of these comedian friends. You know, there's a lot of...

of a seasonal depression happening now that the climate is finally changing here in Texas. We're seeing its results and luckily Talkspace is helping a lot of people. You can sign up online at Talkspace.com and get a personalized match with a provider typically within 48 hours. Red Bandit.

Have virtual sessions with your licensed therapist from the comfort of your home. You can even send messages to your therapist so you don't have to wait for your next session. Talkspace is the number one online therapy platform with licensed therapists and over 40 specialties, including anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and more. Talkspace is secure and private using the latest end-to-end services.

bank-grade encryption technology to store client information and comply with the latest HIPAA regulations. Talkspace is affordable and in-network with most major insurers. Kill Tony listeners. Get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash Tony to get $80 off your first month and support the show. That's Talkspace.com slash Tony.

Hey, y'all. Give yourself a fall adventure with Box of Awesome. 90% of everything that comes in your Box of Awesome is from a small up-and-coming brand, American-made. Each box is valued at around $70, but you only pay a fraction of that price. Getting started is so easy. Just take an awesome quiz at boxofawesome.com, and your answers will help their team pick the right box for you. We've done this. We do this. We love it.

love them. It is absolutely incredible. I like the weekender. I literally have two of these. When I got my first one, I, uh, hit them up and requested a second one. Um, because I left one on the road, but you know, I travel so much that when I say a bag is amazing, I mean it. And this bag is durable, strong, convenient, cool. And, uh, if anybody finds it at a hotel out there in, uh,

Muscaloosa, Missouri. You can give it back to me, please. Redman. There are new boxes released every single month across a ton of different categories. I just got some new hot sauces. I got a bunch of knives from them. It's amazing. It's like a Christmas present once a month. So whether you're into bartending or camping, Box of Awesome has something you'll love. And it's totally free to sign up and you can skip a

month or cancel any time. Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the code KILTONI at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com, code KILTONI for 20% off your first box. boxofawesome.com, code KILTONI. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Yeah!

You know, somehow, someway, during all this chaos of the last few years, moving to Texas and this and that, I truly believe that we have become one of the biggest, best comedy shows in the world. And we are debuting two...

First time guests here tonight. Both of these gentlemen, this is their first time ever being on the panel of this show. One of them is one of the greatest comedians alive today with a brand new special. The other one is the reigning defending UFC bantamweight champion of the world. Ladies and gentlemen, Sugar Sean O'Malley and Joe Lips!

Sugar Sean O'Malley! Show motherfucking list, everybody! This is Kill Toe! Woo! Holy shit!

Joe List. Enough for everybody on YouTube right now. Truly one of the greatest comedians out there today. Fucking doing it Renegade style on YouTube. Fucking showing off. He's the man, one of the guys that we've been meaning to get on this show absolutely forever. Just haven't had the right scheduling and crossed paths correctly. And here we are. Joe, welcome. Thank you. Thanks for having me. I'm excited. Absolutely. Absolutely.

And what do you know? Huge fan of the show and one of the greatest fighters of life today, Sugar Sean O'Malley is here. What a life we live. Sugashop.com for Sugar Sean merch and the Timbo Sugar Show. It's been going on for about five years. I love it. I watched the episode with you and Theo where you kept bullying Theo to talk more about Kill Tony. I love that.

Came out during fight week. It was fucking hilarious. Sugar Sean, welcome to the show. Fuck yeah. Thank you, guys. It's unbelievable. He posts about it every week. It's so cool to be a fan of somebody that's a fan of us. So welcome, Sugar. I was more nervous to make this walkout than when I knocked out Aljo. I was like...

Fuck yeah. We're going to have fun tonight. You guys know how it works. Over 140 people signed up for tonight's show. Bunch of names in this bucket. We're going to get through some of them. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

which interrupts them. After their time is up, I interview them, and they talk to our esteemed panel, and we find out more about them and what makes them different. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Well...

I'm going to pre-pull a name so we can get one of these people from the bar next door, which contains the hundreds of sign-ups while the show takes place. And while we get them, we're going to get one of our regulars up here. I think you know who, everybody. He started on this show...

two and a half years ago was living in his van. Now he literally sells out all over the world every single weekend. He has been getting challenged for his spots a lot. He is going unchallenged tonight. He is up against

Golden Ticket winner Rick Diaz on the New Year's Eve show in which one will be a full-time regular and the other will not be allowed to perform on the show anymore. It's what they wanted. It's the fight that was created last week. I can't believe it. Going unchallenged tonight with a brand new 60 Seconds. Not easy to write a new minute every week. The kid is an autistic Asian prodigy. You guys know the words to his theme song? Get it started. You guys start it.

Hans Kim everybody! Thank you. I have been applying for a job as a makeup artist on BET because I want to get better at drawing blackface. I love Mexicans. Mexico is such a thin, skinny little country that when Mexicans come to America they're like, ooh, am I going to be an East Coast Mexican or a West Coast Mexican?

And then a coyote decides. It's like a Mexican sorting hat. Congratulations, you're in house El Paso.

I am dating a beautiful white woman, as a lot of you guys know. And thank you. She recently went on a cruise, and I was kind of worried about it, but she showed me this app that shows exactly where in the ocean she's getting fucked by a Jamaican dude. Thank you. Wow. Look at that.

Professional Hans Kim doing exactly 60 seconds. Not a second more. That's right. Saving it. Absolutely. How's it going, Hans? It's going great. I didn't know that if I lost the challenge, I couldn't perform on Kill Tony again. Wow. Well, that must have been fun to find out seconds before I brought you on stage.

That seems to be what the challenge felt like to me. I mean, it was originally him challenging you for regular ship, but it seemed like you had nothing to lose if you lost. So it seems like a fun thing. Are you more nervous now? No, I'm pretty confident. Wow. All right. I guess I believe you. You know, it's interesting if he gets a beat like before, then that person is going to have to battle Rick Diaz.

What are you talking about? Like if he gets challenged next week, like if he gets challenged next week and loses. He's not. Thank you, Red Band. Thank you so much. Let's get back to the show. So did your girl really go on a cruise? Yeah. Okay. Was it really to Jamaica? Yes.

She's so far unmolested. I don't think she's had sex. She's back from the cruise, right? Yes. She just came back. We tried a little fun little game that I like to call anal. Combined it with my other favorite game, rape.

Have you combined the two games yet? Yes. Red band. All right. There goes the far board for the episode. Our relationship has been great. You know, we recently went to a strip club with the great Sean O'Malley. Wow. I love it. How was that? She was mostly in the car.

You left your girlfriend in the car while you went into a strip club with the current UFC champion of the world? Yeah, I left the windows rolled down. Oh my God. How long do you think you were in this strip club with your girl in the car? Probably like an hour. Wow. And then she came out? Yeah, I let her go pee in the bushes.

No, what really happened? Oh, she went in and she drank some water and stared at the strippers and criticized some of them. And then she went right back in the car. Incredible. Hans, now you're famously cheap. Did you spend any money at this strip club whatsoever? I did spend some money, but it was Nick's money, the owner of the Vulcan. Okay, wow. Look at that. Hell yeah, there he is.

Absolutely. How much of Nick's money did you spend? Probably like 50 bucks. Oh, wow. Still cheap, even with other people's money. Incredible. 50 bucks, an unbelievably low amount of money to spend. This was at the Red Rose? Yellow Rose. Okay, perfect. Absolutely the rose preferred by Asians. The Yellow Rose. Let's go back to this anal thing for a second, because this is brand new. Let's switch from yellow to brown here. And, uh...

What's going on? You've been doing that? Is that nice? Do you like that? Does she like that? She doesn't sound like she likes it. Oh, wow. This is pretty much a sexual assault on a podcast right now. What's the sound that she makes that makes you think she doesn't like it? It's like, no, stop. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh my god. No, Hans. Really? Yeah, we cuddle afterwards and talk it out and debrief. Debrief?

Wow. Okay. How does it feel for you? Do you enjoy it? Yeah, it's really tight at where you go in. Yeah, I bet her fucking virgin asshole is really tight. And then once you get in, it's like an empty cavern in there. Oh my God.

An empty cavern. I'm sure she just loves you talking about the inside of her asshole like this. You guys ever seen Hans before? What do you think about Hans? I have seen Hans. I'm a fan of Hans. I mean, now I'm a little off-put by Hans, but I do enjoy his comedy. But it's nice of you to snuggle post-rape. I think rape victims like that from what I've heard.

No, I'm kidding. I know you're kidding. I'm kidding. Hans, you're a fantastic comedian. It's great to see you. Thank you, Joe. Yeah, absolutely. Sugar shot. I fucking love Hans. Are those glasses prescription? Yes. Are they? I'm really autistic. Take them off your eyes. Like when you put them on, they just like open up a little bit more. Is that right?

Wow. Look at that. Oh, Dreamweaver. Is that how they work? Do they just open your eyes up more? It sort of magnifies it a little bit. Oh, that makes sense.

Fucking love you, Hans. Thank you, Sean. It was. It was like when you took the glasses off. It was like the rom-com where the girl takes the glasses off. You become a better looking guy when you take them off. It's actually incredible. And if Red Band was able to do his job properly, I would be able to show you exactly. Why don't you try it again for the audience? It's a different dream weaver.

He did not spell it properly. So again, Red Band just absolutely bad at his job. It's incredible. Ten years and four months never gets any better. This song doesn't exist on here. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah, I can't find it. Dream Weaver on the internet, everybody. It doesn't exist on the internet. It could not be Red Band. It must be the internet, everybody. Whoa!

Oh my god. We went from Sugar Sean to soy sauce. Holy shit. He looks like Sugar Sean O'Mary. We went from UFC to MSG. Look at this. Oh my. Wow. Somehow they didn't seem Asian when they were on Sean. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Absolutely amazing. I feel like I could knock out Aljo right now. Wow. Come on out, Aljo.

Incredible. Maybe you could play a game of anal rape with him or something like that. Oh, you ready? Take them off now. Let's see what happens. There we go. Eight minutes later, we figured it out. Yeah, I know it's two words. That's what happens when the fucking thing doesn't pop up.

Hans, another exact minute for you. You are so fun. Way to get the show started every single week. Amazing stuff. We love you. Hans Kim, everybody. There he goes. We pulled a name out to get it started. I'm going to pull another one while we get through this one. And here we go. This

This is the part of the show where obviously, if you don't know, things get a little bit wild. We've never met a lot of these people before, so it could be a crazy person. It could be the future. This is where we met Hans and Cam and David and the stars of the show.

This could be one of those. And it could be one of the worst humans ever on this show. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted. The opportunity of a lifetime goes to Eric Galagos, everybody. Or Galagos. Eric Galagos. Here's Eric, everyone. Make some noise for Eric, everybody. Yo, what's up, you guys? Holy shit. We made it. Fuck yeah, you guys. Dude, did y'all hear about that alien that Mexico tried to reveal a couple days ago? Did y'all see this shit?

Yeah, nobody gave a fuck about it. Isn't that crazy? Especially around here, everybody was just like, yeah, everybody just knows that's what one of those Sixth Street crackhead looks like whenever it reaches its final form, you know what I mean? Everybody was like, no, that's not an alien. That's one of those final boss crackheads. No, dude, it was crazy, though, because the guy that they got to reveal it

He, uh, apparently he's been accused of revealing fake shit before. Did y'all know this? Yeah, and Prue says he stole it, so, you know, regular Indiana Jones, this guy. You know, all he stole was useless fake shit. Um, anyway, I don't know, though, man. It's crazy. Apparently they said that he, uh, they got x-rays of these aliens, and one of the two of them had eggs inside of it. Yeah, pretty crazy. Just like a Mexican scientist, though, to be like, hmm, interesting. Is it fertile?

Okay, I think that's my timer. I probably rushed that. Jesus Christ. Wow. Eric Gallagos. Thank you, guys. Oh, boy, Eric. Oh, Eric, Eric. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Yikes. What's up, my friend? How long have you been doing stand-up, Eric? Seven months. I started in February. Wow. Disagree. Disagree.

Fuck, dude. Wow. Makes sense you're wearing a NASA shirt because in space no one can hear laughter. Wow. Where have you been doing stand-up comedy exactly? I'm from North Texas. I'm from a town called Amarillo. I just moved here two weeks ago. Amarillo? Yes, sir. Okay. Wow, that's where Matt Muehling's from. He never talks. Yeah, what up, Matt? And he just said, that's where I'm from. Hell yeah. I like your solo album, bro. That was good shit.

Wow, look at that. Look who's trying to make up for not being funny. Oh my goodness. Wow. You like all of our solo stuff, don't you? Uh-huh, yeah. It's wild, man. I actually came in February to see Joe List. Oh, jeez. Yeah. And Kill Tony. That's cool, man. It's cool. Good to see you. It was a good time. Very funny. Fuck! Fuck!

Eric, so you've been doing it seven months up in North Texas. What do you do for a living? What exactly type of delivery driving service do you do for a living?

I was fixing phones in Amarillo. I haven't been working since I moved here. I've just been doing mics. Fixing phones in Amarillo. Is that a country song? I'm pretty sure. And now you do nothing? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, I've just been putting all my time to stand up. I saved a lot before I came here, and I've just been trying to live off of that. You saved a lot fixing phones.

Yeah. Wow. Okay. I've just been trying to live off of it, though. I always like to ask, because people are different with money and this and that. It's an intrusive question, but I love to ask. How much money did you save exactly? I saved like $4,500. So $4,500, you're like, okay, I got this. I'm going to Austin, Texas.

So tell us, explain to these people so that they understand what it's like for an artist. How old are you again? 29. 29 years old, $4,500. How long ago did you come to Austin? It was like at the very end of January, so January like 29. Wow. So how much of the $4,500 do you have left? Like $3,800. Oh my God. Wow. You're like Hans Kim at a strip club.

I'm very frugal. Yeah, I'm very frugal. I've been doing my best. It's easy to survive when you're only spending Nick's money.

So how have you been so frugal? Explain to us how you have only spent $700 since the end of January. No, no, no. That's since I moved here two weeks ago. Oh, two weeks ago. Okay. So what's your living situation like? I have a roommate. Okay. And I live in Southeast Austin. Southeast. So rent's pretty good. Okay. What is rent?

500. Ooh, okay. Split. I mean, that's what I pay. 500 and a handjob? Yeah, yeah. I have to blow them every now and then. Incredible. What else do you do? What else are you into? I like to play a lot of video. I write a lot of music. Sorry, I'm starstruck right now. You write music? Yeah, yeah. I like to play video games. What kind of music do you write?

A lot of different kinds, like rock primarily. Is your music unfunny as well? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Joe List, what do you think about this guy? I think we learned that it's not Hans' glasses that make him funny. Ha ha ha ha ha.

It is true. Both of the comedians so far have clear frames. Only one has jokes. Fuck me. So, Eric, do you perform music at all? I haven't since I've been here, but I do. What type of music do you do? Primarily rock music. You sing or what? Yeah, I sing. How many do you think we should hear Eric sing a song? What type of song do you want? The band can play anything. Can I...

Oh, I need to just sing. What did you think was about to happen here? I thought I was going to sing one of my songs, my bad. Okay, yeah, you want to sing one of your songs and the band will follow along? Is that cool? That's what I just, I just said that. It's my thing. I control everything. Matt, would that be cool, brother? That's not Matt. Stop asking permission for things. Just sing your fucking song. Start singing.

One, two, one, two, three, four. I'll be really quick, I promise. Oh, he wants to play guitar. Oh, you want to play guitar? Okay, all right, okay. Okay, now I get it. All right, cool. Don't clap for that. Don't clap for that. All right, here he goes, making a real thing about it.

He has to play guitar. I don't know what to just sing to. My bad, man. Okay, here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, his Kill Tony music debut. Absolutely terrible at stand-up. Seven months into the game. I'm trying to...

What you know is all that you are. Don't tell me it's different. Gotta trust and hide to live love. I bleed just like you. Cry when I lost it all too. I felt like nothing was a vice without a doubt.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. No. No, you're wrong. No. No. That was not good. You're wrong. The band is good. Yeah, it's a good band. Don't give me credit. The band is great. What you guys think you liked was the fucking D Madness and James Atkins covering up his shit.

I've lived in Austin long enough to know what the fuck just happened there. Anybody could do that. Sean could have gone up there with a guitar and just literally done exactly that good. That's just the band, a bunch of professional musicians fucking filling in. I heard what you said. What the fuck?

I only spent $700. I heard you, dude. I saw what the fuck was going on there. You ever get any pussy playing music like that? Dude, fuck no, man. Come on, man. I bet. I bet you just get butt raped after playing like that, dude. Just drunk guys at a bar in Amarillo like, I'm gonna fuck this one. This chick's got a goatee, but I don't mind it.

Now that you're 0 for 2, do you want to try painting? This is dope. This is dope. I like the song, honestly. I'm going to push back. I thought that was great. That was fun. Eric Galagos. Am I saying that right? Galagos? Galagos? Yes, sir. Okay, both of them are right. You're leaving with a little Kill Tony joke book.

Made by the great Bones Eye. Congratulations. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Hell yeah. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. There he goes. Eric Gallagos. Very good.

Well, this is exciting. I pulled a name out of the bucket and it's one of the inside people. So this means one of you signed up for the show representing the interior of the Comedy Mothership. A very interesting name. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Bobby Brown Jr. Everybody. Bobby Brown Jr. Here he comes. Look at this. It's really happening. Bobby Brown Jr.

Yeah. All right, I'll get right to it, man. My name is Bobby Brown Jr. I know it's a weird fucking name. All right, no relation. All right, I hate sharing names with celebrities. I think it's fucking trash. People try to blame you for what the last celebrity did, you know? They be like, Bobby, why you kill Whitney with that crack cocaine? I just have to play along with the shit. I be like, obviously I did it because it's my prerogative, nigga. How about that? How about...

Nah. Sharing names with celebrities fucking sucks, man. 'Cause some of them be fucking their reputations up over time. You know, that's why I'm happy that my name aged better than my little brother's, R. Kelly Jr. I said I gotta fix my fucking family, man. You know? Black people been naming their kids after the worst fucking celebrities, ruining their lives. That's why I decided if I have kids, I'm giving them the whitest names I can find. If I have a son, I'm naming that nigga Joel Osteen Brown. Yeah.

That's the name that'll beat the allegations, you know? And pass applications. You can't not hire a nigga whose initials is J-O-B. It's right there on the name, man. Give my nigga a job. Yeah! Bobby Brown Jr. Making his Kill Tony debut. Welcome. Yeah, what's up, Tony? How's it going, my friend? Man, it's going fucking great, man. It's going fucking great. How are you? I'm great. You look fucking great. Thank you. I'll host from here on out.

So welcome to the show. This is your first time on. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years now. Five years. Where at? I'm from Jacksonville, Florida, man. Duval! Oh, shit. There you just threw out a gang sign and nobody knows what you're talking about.

Incredible. Five years in the game, Jacksonville, Florida. How long have you been in Austin? I moved out here like Thursday, so like 12 days, like two weeks ago, man. I'm fucking with it. Look at that. Yeah. A lot of these people fresh, fresh here in Austin, Texas. Everybody's coming here.

to make it. Everybody's signing up for the show. It's incredible what's happening. So Bobby Brown Jr., what is your take on Austin so far? Two weeks in. I fuck with it. This shit hot as hell, though. You know what I mean? Like, I got off the plane and I was trying to call an Uber, but that shit was like, phone is too hot. You gotta wait 10 minutes for this shit to come now. I was mad as fuck, man. I finally got my shit turned back on, but my card declined. So, yeah, I just walked. I love it. That's it.

So Jacksonville's pretty hot, right? Yeah. Nah, man. It's cooler than this shit. Yeah. Yeah. This shit was like 99 degrees last night. Bobby, what do you do for work? How do you make a living? I don't right now, man. I used to be a server. I quit to come out here right now. I'm looking around for work. How much money did you save before you moved here?

I probably have about negative $32. Oh, shit. Yeah. I owe a lot of people back in Jacksonville some money, so. Okay. All right. Negative $32. What else about you? What else? What do you do for fun? What I do for fun, man.

I like smoking weed and shit. You know, I watch TV. Yeah. I don't know. Fucking smoking weed and watching TV. Yeah. I don't know. I try to escape my problems, man. Yeah. Shit like that. That's probably why you have negative $32. Sean dressed like a Iranian rapper right now. What the fuck? That was the goal. Yeah.

So, Bobby Brown Jr., what's your love life like? You seem like a good-looking version of Steve Urkel or something like that. You have your own family matters or anything like that? Nah, I wish. If you got some hoes for me, I'll take them, though. You know what I mean? I'm a great Eskimo brother. I have no extra hoes to get rid of.

I'll be a good Eskimo brother to you, Tony. I do not dispense of the extra hose. No, I will not share. I do not share. I definitely don't share with people like Bobby Brown Jr. Last thing I need is what Hans Kim would describe as a cavernous hole. Oh my God. I like to keep everything compact. Yeah.

You have any special moves in the bedroom, Bobby Brown Jr.? How much pussy do you get solely based on the fact that they think they're fucking Bobby Brown's son? Tell the truth. Be honest. I've pretended to be his son twice. I ain't gonna lie. It happened two times. He killed that shit. It worked two times.

Yeah. Yeah. And did they ever notice that you're not Bobby Brown's son? When did they mostly find out? I mean, when I told them I couldn't pay for the date that we was on, they were like, yeah. Wow. Hell yeah. Yeah.

Joe List. I'm not confident Bobby Brown's son has a lot of money. I don't think that's that crazy. Yeah, that is a good point. Well, I mean, he died like three years ago. Oh, that's right. Yeah, I'm the last living Bobby Brown Jr. at least right now, man. Thank you. Appreciate that.

Hell yeah. It was weird. I got like, when he died, people thought it was me. You know? I got like 700 followers on Instagram that day. Wow. Yeah. It was fucking crazy. Fucking crazy. For real. I swear, that's real shit. I'm not lying.

Do you do that in your act? That killed. Yeah. All right. I'll make sure I throw that in there. Yeah. You should. Yeah. That's a big deal. It feels real. It feels honest. People want to know what really being like Bobby Brown Jr. is like. Yeah. I got plenty more, man. So, you know. You got what? I got plenty more. More stories about this weird ass fucking name. So I'll be around. I live out here now. You got plenty of Moe? He said plenty. Plenty Moe, nigga. You got plenty Moe.

I still don't know. For those of you, by the way, I hear a lot that Tony's hearing's bad, but what you don't see is that in the cleaned up edited version, Red Band turns shit up and clears up the sound that you guys hear on the podcast. I still, after nine times, I still think it's plenty of Mo. I think he's using it in the context like Mo Money, Mo Problems. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Urban stuff. I have several black friends, so I know... I hear you, bro. Oh, man. Several means more than one. Am I correct? Sure.

Well, Bobby Brown Jr., congratulations. You popped your Kill Tony cherry. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. Wow. Red Band still thinks he's Bobby Brown's son. Booking him. Here's a big joke book. Welcome to Kill Tony. That goes to Bobby Brown Jr. All right. Let's do something fun. Oh, shit. He touched me. That was amazing. That was incredible. All right. Let's do something fun. Uh,

we have a golden ticket winner that is ready to do a new minute for us, everybody. This guy has started, what, four weeks ago and is killed every week. He has a very defined style that is different than everybody else. Not the most confident guy. He literally seems like

He doesn't want to be here. He's afraid to do stand-up comedy, but his execution is incredible. Make some noise for one of our new favorites, Rick Diaz, everybody. All right. Okay. This chick told me I have a big dick energy.

Just the energy though. Yeah. Oh my god. My love language is: Nope. Every time I make love, I prefer to turn the lights off. This way I can pretend that I'm with someone. Yeah. I have an embarrassing sex story. I have an embarrassing sex story. Well, she has an embarrassing sex story. I had sex.

When my ex left me, she told me, I know who you are. I know who you really are. And then she left me without telling me who I was. I'll wrap it up there. Rick Diaz.

Oh, my goodness. The more you see him, the funnier he gets. Well, I'll tell you that. Red Band and I pissed our pants with just him walking out, just a look on it. Once you know what you're in for, that's what I've learned about you. You grow on people. Literally. A special character. Joe, this is your first time seeing Rick Diaz? It is. He's like me if my father finger-fucked me as a kid. I mean...

My friends call me the cheaper Joe List.

There you go. All right. How do you make that noise when jokes don't hit? That's incredible. That is an incredible trick you have. So, Rick, you did it again. Big dick energy, embarrassing sex story. Is it true you don't have a big dick? I feel like you would have a fucking absolute goddamn full-size hog. I'm pretty sure you've thought about it a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I have. I have. I have.

The answer is I have no complaints so far. Ooh la la. What does that mean? Oh my goodness gracious. Only because no one's seen it. I can show you later. Oh shit, Rick Diaz. About to show his little Brussels griffin over there. His little Brussels brat. Yeah. He is from Brussels and you have to go back there next week. Yes sir. What are you looking forward to or what are you dreading?

My mom. I'm just joking. It's my job to joke. No, I'm interested in seeing how I'm going to be received by the French clubs that have been ignoring me. So word's gotten out. Rick Diaz is stuck. They're going to suck my nuts when I get back. Whoa! Whoa!

Rick is such a sensitive, like soft appearing guy. And then every once in a while, he's just fucking the animal comes out. There it is. There's an example. Big nut energy, Rick Diaz.

We've seen this before. Now, let me remind you that the last two weeks in a row, he's come out and he's literally said, fuck Hans Kim, I want his entire everything. I want to take Hans Kim's livelihood from him. He spent two weeks saying it until we finally came to the conclusion last week that we will have a main event fucking showdown at New Year's Eve in an arena, the H-E-B Center, already sold out, impossible to get tickets, and...

we have made your dreams come true. You're going to fly back from Brussels and one of you is going to lose your livelihood. How do you feel? It's been a week since you made the challenge and received what you wanted. How does it feel to get what you want? It feels like I'm doing you guys a favor. Yeah, you're right. I put you in position to do that. You took the ball and you ran with it. I'm a little afraid of Korean restaurants at the moment. I think Hans has a contract out on me.

He was pissed. Oh no, he blocked me on Instagram today. Oh my god, he did? Yeah. It's okay. At HEB Arena, I'm gonna eat Korean barbecue. Oh my god. For the longest time, there was Hulk Hogan. And one day, there was a music, and a guy came out running, and that was the Ultimate Warrior. Yeah.

And the ultimate warrior picked up Hulk Hogan and throw him into oblivion. And that's gonna happen on 31st of December. That literally isn't what happened. Actually, that's not the history of the thing. It is as I remember it. No, it's not. You just wrote that yourself. That's not what happened. I like manifesting things, you know.

The Ultimate Warrior is dead and that never happened. Yeah, and he also got fired from WWE. Yeah, for saying that he should be paid as much as Hulk Hogan. Before going on stage. I won't do that. Right. Potentially. Sugar Sean O'Malley, what do you think about this guy? Funny fucking dude. I've always been insecure about my neck, but I feel like... But I'm feeling pretty confident tonight.

Fuck yeah. I love it. At least I'm not insecure about my hair. I don't think he's insecure about his hair. His hair gets me pussy. Yeah. My dick gets me pussy. Does it really though? Rick, does your dick get you pussy? It's the only thing that gets me pussy. How does your dick get you pussy? Tell us. Explain to this room how your dick gets you pussy. I don't need to. Women know.

Women, make some noise if you want to fuck Rick Diaz. Yeah. It's because they're on a date. Ah, it's a fucking gangster right here. Rick, we love you. You come out every week. We're going to miss you when you're in Brussels. Are we not going to see you until New Year's Eve? Oh, you're not going to see me until New Year's Eve unless something happens in the meantime and you want to bring me back. I'll be happy to come back.

And in the meantime, if nothing happens, Hans Kim will have to dodge me the way that my dear Sean O'Malley was dodging Cheeto Era for so long. Oh my God. Oh my God. Why do you do this? Why do you cause problems, Rick? You're supposed to be an innocent, sweet little nerdy boy. You come out, you challenge Hans. You talk shit to the champion of the world.

Well, people were asking me, aren't you afraid of roasting Sean O'Malley? He could kill you. And I was like, I want to die, so who gives a fuck? I love it. Now I want to fuck him. Yeah. You're the second person on this panel that has said this. That is true. Wait, did I say that I wanted to fuck you? No, King Kong done that last time. King Kong did that last time.

Then she didn't fuck me. Of course she did. We know. But Jolest is going to fuck me, I think. Sure. You will be missed. Rick Diaz, your impact here the past month has been absolutely incredible. You're so different than every other golden ticket winner and regular in the history of the show. Very, very...

borderline suicidal character that... These are incredibly kind words if only I gave a fuck. I mean, okay. All right, again, you're an asshole for no reason, but I like it. Personally, I like it. I like it. Joe? We're going to miss you, Rick. Have fun over in Europe. Guys, come on. His last set... I'm going to miss you too, guys. His last set in America. Make some noise for Rick Diaz, everybody. Thank you.

All right, there he goes. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted to the Kill Tony debut of Drew Santana, everybody. Drew Santana. You guys having fun out there, huh? All right, here he is. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Drew Santana. I don't know why people think I'm gay. I don't know why people think I'm gay.

Doesn't matter what I wear. I could be wearing a woman right now, and some of you would still have doubts. I know it. Just sit there right there. So nice to meet you. Dressed like a fucking space cowboy in a gay porn or something. I know. I'm just trying to keep up here. When I was just a wee lad, my stepfather told me, son, every other woman I had been with before your mother had really big tits.

I think he was trying to teach me about sacrifices and making compromises for the ones you love. I've seen a couple of open mic comics square up to fight at open mics, and I gotta say, watching these open mic comics square up to fight is like watching women's basketball. It's disappointing and overall uneventful. Thank you. Disappointing and uneventful.

Drew Santana. Now, you've been on this show before, right? I kind of recognize you. This is my second time on, yes. Second time. And what is that that you're wearing around your shoulders? What the fuck is going on here? It's a posture brace. I have kyphosis in my back. It's not, yeah. What?

It's a posture break. Yeah, it looks like a gay thing, but I got bad posture. You have bad posture, so you have to wear that? You could also hold on to it if you wanted to. Why don't you put it under your shirt? I remember you. You don't answer questions and shit. You're like, I hated you the first time, right? Yeah, I kind of do now again. Yeah, I remember now. I remember immediately. Yeah. Okay, Joe List.

It doesn't look gay to me. It looks like you work at Home Depot to me. Yeah. More like Homo Depot. Am I right? Is there anything you wish you did differently last time you were on the show? I didn't make note of a couple of things. Like being on shrooms, I've been microdosing a little bit. And usually before Kill Tony, I'll take a little bit more than a microdose. And I'm pretty...

Did you do that again? Wow. Unbelievable. People are cheering for the drug mushrooms, not for you, just to make that clear. Yet again, I like to make sure nobody leaves here with any extra confidence that they did not deserve. Deep Madness isn't going pee, by the way. He just hates you. There he goes. A floating pair of sunglasses flies by the side of the room.

Tony, his whole energy is like women's basketball. Yeah, it's true. WNB gay, you know what I mean? All right. But at least he's standing up straight. That's nice. That is true. I would hunch over too if I had everything about you. Is there ever a time where you're very confident and stand up straight like a man?

I try. Not really. No. Oh, you're so annoying. I don't... I'm just going to keep it moving. There he goes again, Drew Santana. Drew, take a break from signing up for a while until you're ready to talk and enunciate and shit. That's not

It felt right felt like his jaw was wired shut. Yeah, he's he was like that last night. I did mushrooms and I forgot to write. Oh hi. Oh oh the fuck out of here.

You know who doesn't forget to write every week? The next comedian, regular, taking over the show by storm, perhaps one of the strongest forces in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the newest regular on Kill Tony, crushing in theaters all around the world with me. Make some noise for Cam Patterson, everybody. Let's go!

I was walking down 6th Street and I seen a crackhead lady and I'm a good person so I wanted to give her money and she was just scratching her pussy like real hard. She was like, "Give me some money nigga." And I was like, "Yeah, of course." So I gave her the money and as soon as I gave her the money she was like, "Come here bitch, give me a hug. Now listen."

I am a good person. And I'm gonna do two things in this instance. Either I could not give her the money and run away or mush the fuck out this bitch, right? So I decided to give her the money and then she went, come here, nigga, give me a hug. So I was like, okay, and I hugged her and then she was rubbing her pussy hand on my back.

And I could smell it. You know what I'm saying? She was like, "Thank you so much for the money, baby. I really appreciate the money." And I wanted to push off the hug, right? But before I could do that, she had a schizophrenic breakdown and forgot who I was. So she was like, "Thank you so much for the--" "Who is you, nigga?" And pushed me off like I was homeless. And that shit turned me on, so I fucked her.

That's how you do it. See? He does it every week. These people run out of a minute when they start. Hell yeah. True gang violence. I saw that shit up there. These niggas are stars. Absolutely. Joe List. Talk to him, dude.

I love you, Joe. You remind me. I like you, nigga. You a good dude, man. I appreciate it. Nice to meet you. I'm a fan of you. Gang shit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Well, I mean, I saw a couple clips and I was like, that's really funny. I don't buy your merch or anything. I get it. I understand. Yeah, yeah. I understand completely, my nigga. You feel me? Why? Mutual respect. Yeah. Cam. I think Cam thinks you're a public defender, by the way. Yeah.

He's trying to keep you on his good side here. He's not? No, no. He's one of the best stand-ups working today. Thank you. I'm not.

I'm not even smart. Rob Markman: For everybody on YouTube right now, Joe List, big special. Cam, you did it again. Camelot Pinto: Precinct. Rob Markman: How fun. What's going on in life? Camelot Pinto: Shit, same old shit. Black people taking pictures with me now, that's pretty cool. Not that I have a problem or not, but it's black people taking pictures with me, it's pretty dope. I really enjoy that shit. That's cool as hell. Rob Markman: It is incredible.

There was an old black man in Chicago. Did I talk about this last week? No, I think somebody told me about it. I can't remember who I tell the stories to and not, but there was an old black guy in Chicago. We were taking a picture in front of the Chicago Theater marquee. We were across the street. Big, giant, iconic marquee.

And he goes, hey, man, you're the fucking rocks guy. Yeah. And he walked right by me, William, David Lucas. Just wanted to say hi to the rocks guy real quick. That shit was crazy. When we was in Kansas City, a dude had seen me. He was like, hey, I don't know who you is, but people know you, nigga. So I'm going to take a picture with me for my son.

My son might know who you is. And my only thought is, what if his son has no idea who I am? And I just got a picture with a random nigga in his phone. You know what I'm saying? That's pretty hilarious. Yeah, 100%. I love it, Cam. You've been killing all over town. We're going to, where are we going this week? Philly. Philly, Virginia. Yeah, Philly, Virginia. Thank you very much. How did you know that?

Oh, it's Yoni. Yeah, it's my tour manager. I thought it was an audience member telling me that I'm in Tysons, Virginia. That nigga's a stalker. Who the fuck said that? Yeah, exactly. That's my number one stalker. Yoni.

I love it. So yeah, we're doing that. Philly and D.C., ever been there before? Hell no. No, you've never been to any of these places? I don't go nowhere, nigga. I stay home for a little minute, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. There was Bobby Brown Jr. who's from Jacksonville. You ever work with him before? He's living on my couch right now, man. Oh, he's on your couch? Yeah, my brother, man. You know what I'm saying? Okay. Yeah, I brought him here. I'm bringing everybody, nigga. Okay. Okay.

I'm bringing the whole state, man. I love it. All right. Come on, nigga. I'll feed you. Follow me, bitch. You know what I mean? Yeah. Everybody, come on. Tony, it is weird. There's a lot of people from Florida that are friends with him that are moving, but every time you go to Florida, you don't really see that funny comic when you're on the road.

Them niggas is hiding, you know what I'm saying? You feel me? But yeah, everybody I know that I'm telling to come, they come and they be funny. But a lot of niggas coming on their own. I didn't tell them to be here. They just garbage, you know what I'm saying? Right. That happens. Yeah, that happens a lot. A lot. I'm in town. I don't know you, bitch. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Cam rocking the official Cam Patterson t-shirt available at killmerch.com. Freshly restocked. You're making a lot of t-shirt money through us right now. That's insane. Actually quite incredible. This is when I was selling drugs, nigga. This is kind of beautiful. Selling a whole different kind of white. And rocks. Yeah, and rocks. Every one of those t-shirts comes with a free rock.

And you can't make it up. We're selling hundreds a week. It's absolutely incredible. People want a plain white tea and they're getting it from Kill Merch for, I do believe, $35. Do you have a new rock this week that we can see? Is there a special rock? I will rush now to clear. I got Black and Miles in my pocket. Oh, shit. Black and Miles. You smoke Black and Miles, though? I don't, typically.

I got that shit for you. Wow, Joe List. Someone's going to be vomiting tonight. Hold on to Black and Mild. Hold on to Black and Mild. Oh, shit. Fuck y'all niggas. Y'all don't get one. Yeah, you hold on to those. Yeah. Oh, shit. We outside. Talk to me, dude. Save your Black and Mild. Save your Black and Mild, sweetheart. I need that back. Nigga, I'm addicted, nigga. He does smoke the hell out of those. You know what? I'm going to bring up something kind of crazy. Uh,

The other night, we were all drinking at Mitzi's, and I walked into the restroom at one point, and I heard like, bleh, bleh, from one of the stalls. And as I'm walking to the urinal and I hear that, I glance through the crack, and I just see a bright white T-shirt. That's all I saw. And I go, Cam, is that you? And he goes, yeah. And I go, you all right? And you said, yeah, I do this all the time. Yeah.

Yeah, when I drink, sometimes that be hitting my stomach wrong. I got to go, you know what I'm saying, throw up before I throw up on you, you know what I'm saying? I got to get out of the way, you feel me? But then the black in my eyes, sometimes this shit be getting in, you know what I'm saying? I swallow that shit on accident. Yeah. I got to, you know what I'm saying, evacuate the system, you feel me? Yep. You've been hanging out with white girls too much, man. Nah, for real.

Yeah, Red Band, as you can tell, never throws up. I never throw up. He just holds on to everything that he eats and drinks like a bear before hibernation. I love sodium. I believe morbid obesity is what it's called. But anyway, Cam, you did it again. Another amazing minute. So much fun. There he goes, Cam Patterson, everybody. Okay. Okay.

Back to the bucket we go. We're having fun tonight. We're getting through it. It's a fun one. Still more special treats to go. We're going to get one bucket full and then we have another fun thing that's about to happen. But first, 60 seconds uninterrupted to our first female of the night. Make some noise for Helena Ann Charlotte, everybody. Helena Ann Charlotte. One more time for Helena, everybody. Come on. Hi.

So, I'm gonna throw up. You know these apps that you can get on your phone to help you manage your time and get more productive? I downloaded five of them and I'm still not doing anything with my life. I don't understand. Maybe it's because they were free. I've never received an unsolicited dick pic in my life. And as a grown woman, it kinda hurts.

It's not that I necessarily want one, but I would like to be able to complain about it. Men have always been so respectful to me. How am I supposed to relate to the female condition? I find it a little bit transphobic when they put free tampons in women's bathroom.

It's like a reminder for trans women that there will never be real women. Helena Ann Charlotte. Welcome to the show, Helena. Thank you. Incredible performance. Thank you. You sound a lot like Rick Diaz. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like a month ago. It's my fourth time. Really? Wow. Very good for a month in. One of the better sets of the night.

Which is incredible for both being a month in and being a female. Thank you. So what made you want to start a month ago? What inspired you to start stand-up comedy? I always loved stand-up, but I'm really shy and recently I was

Realizing that I'm getting old, so I kicked myself in the butt. Okay. I was like, maybe I should start now, you know, before I die. Yeah, absolutely. No doubt about it. It is good to start before you die. It is one of the main things you have to do. What is that accent? French. Ah, French. How long did you live in France? All my life.

But I've been living in Canada for 12 years now. Ah, Canada. Yeah. The old gateway drug to France. Where in Canada? Montreal? Yeah, of course. Of course. Frenchy French land. Mini France. Sorry? Mini France. Mini France, yeah. Yes. Do you have many friends? Sure. I feel like that's what you thought I said, so I'm just going to ask. Okay.

What do you do for a living up in Montreal? Not much. I do crappy jobs because on the side I like to do my stuff, like creative things and stuff like that. What kind of creative things? You make like Easter baskets and things like that? No, like comics. You draw comics? Yeah. Like comic strips? Yeah.

Okay. Stuff like that. Very cool. You draw your shirt? Yes. Oh, that's you. You did that. Small font. Matches your tits. Oh! Come on. Come on. Oh, well. Hell yeah. So what's your love life like up in Montreal? You seem like a Montreal 8 or 9 or something like that.

Thank you. Austin 4, but I'm on tree all night. I think she's hot. Oh, Sugar Sean thinks she's hot. Look at that. Look at that. I came with my boyfriend, actually. Boo this woman. Is it Bobby Brown Jr.? No. What does your boyfriend do? He's in crypto. He's a nerd. Wow. Okay.

And, okay, Jill List, what do you think about this lady? I thought it was great. I mean, it took a little while and then there was some great jokes. I can't figure out your shirt, though. Is it a joke? I'm not... It's supposed to be funny. Yeah. Well...

That's what I'm struggling with, I think. It's okay. It says, where did you get this shirt? Cool. And then the person with the shirt that says, very cool, says, I can't tell you. Can you explain why that's funny to us? Oh, my God. See, there's a problem. It's like, you know those hipster people who don't want to tell you where they got their beautiful things? I don't know. I thought it was funny. Right. I bet that kills in France. Yeah, it does. It does.

It does. Very funny. Red band. So let me ask you this. Your boyfriend, he's also French-Canadian?

He's from Morocco, but he moved in Montreal when he was like three or four. Okay. How long have you two been together? Almost five years now. Five years. Wow. How do you keep things spicy in the bedroom? What do you guys do? What's the trick? I don't know if he's going to want me to talk about what we do in the bathroom. Oh, he beats you. He beats you.

It's a secret, but it's working. Yeah. What do you guys do for fun? We have a lot of friends. We hang out and we drink and, you know, normal people stuff. Normal people stuff. Is there anything wild about you that we would be surprised to know? Any special skills or talents or anything that you've done? Nothing wild about me.

What? Nothing wild about me. Nothing wild about you. I don't think so. I box. I do boxing. Oh, you do boxing. Why don't you put the mic in the mic stand? Show us a little shadow boxing. Here we go. Here we go. Show us a little form. Come on. Put the mic in the mic stand. I'm not very good at it. It's okay. Just show us. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Uh-oh. Whoa. Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, that was terrible. I was hoping to see her box. Yeah, it is incredible. Full bush for sure on this one is my guess. No doubt about it. I mean, it looks like a fucking... Is that true? No, you don't have to answer that. Red band...

I made a joke, you made it frightening. When you ask, it's scary. French-Canadian. Yeah, there you go. You're just saying words at this point. Before I let you go, what would be something that would surprise us about you? You seem so shy, so unassuming. Boxing is one thing, but what else? There must be something. French-Canadian from Montreal. Montreal.

the home of the former biggest comedy festival Montreal Comedy Fest which is now an absolute corporate hack fest you know this right yeah good okie dokie nothing better than shy people on Kill Tony somehow for the first time ever Bones Eye made like a rainbow colored Kill Tony big joke book and I feel like you're just liberal enough to appreciate that no but thank you there you go

Oh, almost had it. French Canadians, not good at much. There she goes, Helena Anne Charlotte, everybody. All right. DL?

Ready? Yeah. Great. You guys are in for a special treat. The young man that you're about to see, famously one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, retired at the 10-year anniversary. Now when we get to see him, it's a special treat when he wants to show off a brand new minute. One of the greatest roasters in the history of Kill Tony. This

is a special appearance by Kill Tony legend, the great and powerful David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. Having sex with skinny white women is like eating plain Greek yogurt. It's like, I don't want to eat this shit, but I'm hungry as fuck.

It's like, you ain't got no honey or no granola, nigga. I hang with Rogan, but I don't believe in aliens. Because why no niggas ain't never seen them? Why aliens don't come to the hood, you know what I'm saying? Because they know niggas will steal their spaceship, you know?

The niggas will be all at the moon like, "What's the Bluetooth, dawg?" All right, that's my time, man. Thank you. - Unbelievable. You see that? It really stands out on this episode, 'cause you just put on a little bit of a clinic. You took your time, which not many people did tonight. You enunciated, which not many people did tonight. You wrote, which almost nobody did tonight.

And you had a great premise. Aliens don't go to the hood.

A four-pronged attack, which we have rarely seen this episode. That's what stand-up comedy is all about. David Lucas, fresh off of taping his debut special this weekend here at the Mothership. I walked in the back of the room on Saturday night and he was absolutely smashing, riffing on his toes, which is not easy to do for a guy like you. Tony, shut up. I'm sure your feet are holding on by...

the threads down there. I mean, I cannot even imagine what those fucking hooves must look like that you're dealing with. You have the jacket of Jay Leno and you're shaped like one of his cars. David, what's going on? You're breathing heavy over there. Oh, shit, he's loading up. Tony look like he get the Heimlich maneuver for fun. That is true. I actually do. Sugar Sean, you look like you sell camels with no hump, nigga. LAUGHTER

David Lucas, one of the roast gods of the history of Kill Tony. Dearly missed. Thank you, man. Thank you. I ain't going. Absolutely. So what else is going on? That's it. I started this new fucking medicine. I got an infection. That shit fucking me up. What kind of infection do you have? Don't worry about it. Oh, shit. Is it yeast?

Did you get a yeast infection from eating so much bread? You know what's crazy for like the last... I stopped when I filmed my special because that shit was giving me so much anxiety. Like when we was at the marinas, I'm like, what is wrong with me? I'm like, oh, it's that medicine.

Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I can't tell you what it is. I can tell you're acting different right now for sure. I know, bro. So look, I'm on antibiotics. I'm on fucking allergy medicine and tequila, nigga. That's a fucking... Oh, shit, dude. That's some UFC shit, nigga. I feel like I should dye my hair like this, nigga. Oh, my goodness. You are following in Patrice O'Neal's footsteps at an incredible rate. You following in Andy Dick's footsteps, nigga. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Why'd you laugh? I'm my own security guy. Laugh. You just covered up his mouth like that. I saw that, you son of a bitch. I just caught him covering his mouth so that I didn't see him laughing. Look at a tough guy over here. God, you're supposed to be keeping me safe. Joe Liz looked like a healthy Nick Diaz. Oh, Rick Diaz. Oh, Rick Diaz, yeah. He looks nothing like a healthy Nick Diaz.

Who is Nick Diaz? Nick Diaz is a fighter. Nate Diaz is older brother. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Rick Diaz. Yeah. Why you put that white shit on? You and Tony matching? Yeah. Y'all look like y'all about to baptize some fags. Sugar Shane, you look like Post Malone therapist, nigga. Damn. Damn.

I'm still me, even on medicine, nigga. This is incredible to see. You still have it over here roasting sugar like you're making s'mores or something like that. Absolutely incredible. It's weird to see you in this kind of-- I mean, I almost said shape, but you've always been the same shape. I'm actually 18 pounds down, bitch. 18 pounds down. That is incredible. Red band, what? He said that's .05 of your body weight.

It's incredible. Red band actually with a good roast joke over there. This is incredible. Fat people roasting fat people here on this show. That's funny. Unbelievable. David checking his caloric intake on his phone. Nah, man, I got a text message from RuPaul. The nigga said you gotta film in five minutes. They filming Drag Race at Anton's. Whatever that shit called.

You're so funny. Thank you, dog. We miss you dearly on this show. I miss y'all, man. Appreciate y'all, man. Get back in good health. Come back again. Plug some shit.

Tacoma, October 12th through the 15th. Tempe, October 20th through the 21st. I'm bringing Cam. Gonzales, Louisiana, October 26th through the 27th. New Orleans, October 29th. I see y'all. I love y'all. Peace. Yeah. The great and powerful David Lucas, everybody. We love him.

He is in weird form tonight. He better not die. That's how it happens. Stand-up comedy, we watch people die all the time. You guys having fun out there? Pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go, 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Ben Williams, everybody. Ben Williams. Do you believe this is a new... Oh, no, we know Ben. It's the return of Ben Williams. We've seen him before. 60 seconds from Ben Williams.

How's everybody doing? At this point, I'm thinking somebody looking in the mirror and saying my name three times. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Yeah, I know I'm ugly, you know. Yeah. Like, I knew I was ugly. I knew I was ugly when I went to the haunted house and they thought I worked there. I jumped out. Hey, why you not at your post, man? It's 9 o'clock.

Yeah, man. So, dating is tough, you know. So, if any women in the audience want to donate me some pussy, I would greatly appreciate it, you know. It's been so long, I don't know what one looks like anymore, you know. But I'm bad at one-night stands, you know. It always ends badly for me, you know. The last one-night stand I had, it didn't end well because I ended up catching feelings and she ended up catching the STD.

Don't worry, after two weeks it went away. It went away. I recently had a loss. My grandma died. So I've been taking it hard. Like, I've really been taking it hard. So now I'm sad and my ass hurts. But yeah, man.

Yeah, life's been rough, man. There you go. Ben Williams doing more than a minute. Yeah, more than a minute. You're a lucky guy. I do believe this is your third bucket pool in four weeks. Yeah, I'm very grateful. Thank you. That is. It's not as nothing to do with me. You literally know a bunch of pieces of paper and I pull a name out. You're very, very lucky is my point. Why do you think you're so lucky? Why do you think when I pull a piece of paper out, why do you think destiny keeps calling your name?

Do you think it's overcompensating for the face that it gave you? Yes. We've roasted you every which fucking direction the last four weeks. It is incredible. It looks like you're wearing fake Halloween teeth tonight. It seems like it gets a little bit worse every week. You're like... I know, right? It is incredible. You really are. You said that you're ugly, but let me tell you, I could not agree more.

James... James Atkins. James Atkins on the drums has been laughing since you got on stage. Awesome. Not at anything that you said, but he caught a glimpse of your face. Yeah. That's my goal, just to walk on stage and everybody laugh for like 30 minutes at my face and I still get paid and just go off, just walk out to sunset. It is incredible. He's gonna go far, Tony. He's got a lot of teeth in the game.

I mean, it is wild. Do your parents look like you? It is amazing. I mean, it is incredible. It is unbelievable. Yeah, they're going to add my picture to the definition of ugly in the Western Dictionary. You look like if Tyler Perry made an E.T. film. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I guess we would call it B-E-T. Oh, B-E-T. That's awesome. Except you probably don't have a home that you could phone to, you know what I mean? And it's if E.T. rode a stolen bicycle.

My goodness gracious. So remind us, tell us about your life a little bit. What's been going on? Oh yeah, man, I've just been doing a lot of stand-up. I've been actually doing this for six months, guys. And I've just been just grinding hard doing this and just trying to perfect my craft and stuff like that. I'm from Galveston, and if you guys don't know what that's said, I say it's a mission between Gilligan's Island and The Walking Dead. But it's an awesome place. What does your dentist do for a living? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

He actually retired. So he was like, oh, I quit. He said to me, I can't do nothing with this. Like, fuck it. My goodness. Well, it's really good you moved out here. You're really going to cut your teeth out here. Joe List, what do you think about this guy? I actually think his teeth are better than mine, honestly. I guess you guys haven't seen my teeth, but if you had. His teeth are much, much worse than yours. No, I know. I just, you know, I felt sad for him.

Do you really ever... What's your love life really like? The last time you were with a girl, what happened? Oh, man, it's been over a year. That wasn't a bit. She actually was 60 years old. Hold on a second. I was trying to be nice when I met her. I was just walking across the street, and she was like, oh, you're so nice. I ain't had none in a while. And I was like, okay. So I walk up to the door, and she says again, she's like,

I ain't had none in a while and I still wasn't gonna do it and she was like, "Hey, you drink?" I was like, "I do." She said, "You smoke weed?" "I do." She's like, "You pop Xanax?" I was like, "Oh, I love this bitch." So it was like... Oh my goodness. Wow. With teeth like that, I'm not surprised you caught a cougar, you know what I mean?

I mean, those things are absolutely aggressive. It is incredible. Is there something that, can you do like tricks? Can you like eat foods really fast or something like that? I mean, I don't know. You know, I probably bite real hard. It's my go-to move in a fight. Yeah. All right. All right. You've been on the show a lot. We've interviewed you a lot. You got up again. Congratulations. We're going to keep moving forward. There he goes, Ben Williams, everybody. Appreciate y'all. Bye.

Okay. I pulled another name out of the bucket, but before we get to that, we have yet another special treat for you. I have been promising this guy a spot at redemption for a while. He has been asking for it. The last time we saw him, he challenged Hans, and Hans bodied him.

15 punchlines to zero. The guy prides himself, formerly at least, on being a storyteller that tries to squeeze a story into a minute. But I'm telling you, he's always been much funnier offstage. He doesn't show it

a lot on his social media, but the guy is funny in real life. He swears that he's ready to kill for a minute on this show. You've seen him many times. Another shot at redemption. This is a brand new minute from Uncle Lazer, everybody. Here we go. The new underdog, it sounds like, Uncle Lazer.

First off, fuck Christian mingle. Okay? All right? You should just call it catfish by the Catholic. Okay? It's a crock of shit. All right? Right? Them women out there aren't Christians. They're whores. Absolute whores. You know what I'm saying? Look, I get on there to find a nice young lady with some structure, give me a little balance, a little accountability. Right? Someone will get mad at me when I'm doing cocaine in the garage at 730 in the morning on a Tuesday building a go-kart. You know what I'm saying? Right?

But instead, I get a bitch that's got eight kids and nine baby daddies, you know what I'm saying? Listen, I went to public school. That math don't add up, you know what I'm talking about? And she just had a baby three weeks prior to the date, okay? Y'all ever been inside a pussy that just gave birth? Incredible.

That pussy was wallered out. Right? It looked like a fucking mud flap on the back of an 18-wheeler just blowing around in the breeze. Right? It looked like fucking chewed up bubble gum fucking under the park bench pussy. It ain't quite got the flavor, but it's chewed up just nice. You know what I'm talking about? Chewed up just nice. Because I'm going to be honest with y'all real quick. I'm going to be honest with y'all.

Tight pussy. Go ahead. Finish it. Tight pussy makes me claustrophobic. Uncle Lazer, look at that. Well, well, well. I didn't get the fucking meow. You talked over it. It's good. I didn't hear it either. I was questioning it as well. I'm with you, but you're a loud, projecting guy. And that was, by the way, without a doubt, the best set you've ever had on this show. Thank you, baby. Thank you, baby.

It is part of your storyline. It was incredible. You came out guns a-blazin' early on on the show, and you would get drunk before the show. Coked out. And then you started doing vast amounts of cocaine before your sets. Fast. And then you would drink more and then do more cocaine. Your answer to everything... Was cocaine. Was cocaine. Fair. And now, tell the people, what's your cocaine situation now? Three days sober of it. Right, three days. Yeah!

Until tonight. It's my birthday. It is his birthday, everybody. It's a Coke night. It's a Coke night. I still have David Lucas ahead of you on my death pole as of tonight. He is sluggish seeming. You might want to give him a little bump of something. Wake his ass up a little bit. It's fine, dude. My goodness. Can I say something real quick? Oh, shit. Here we go. A heartfelt moment with Uncle Lazer. Sean O'Malley.

Listen, I got a good head of lettuce, right? Look at me, you know what I'm saying? But look at you. Look, I fuck, but you fuck on the first date. You fuck on the car ride to Chili's. You know what I'm talking about? I like that kind of shit. All right, Uncle Lazer wants to fuck Sugar Sean O'Malley. Sugar, what do you want to say about that? I would love to do cocaine with you, brother. Yeah, look at that. Happy birthday to you.

Hey, it's a nice day for a white wedding. You know what I'm talking about? Sugar Sean, meet Booga Sugar Sean. This is on the laser. Joe List, what do you think about this? I think neither of you should do cocaine together. Wait till I'm off the premise if you could. Joe List is the fentanyl test strip of this panel here tonight.

Uncle Lazer's birthday. How old are you? 33 years young, baby. Wow. 33 years young. What a baby. Your stand-up is sharp. Tell us, what's your regimen been? How have you been working this out? How were you able to finally summon a bunch of punchlines in 60 seconds? Well, I've been doing the hooked on phonics, right? So I learned how to write just a tad bit. Turns out writing makes a world of a difference. You just can't come up here and wing it. You know what I'm saying? Right.

'cause I'm a piece of shit, that's on me. You know what I'm saying? But yeah, I just took a bunch of mushrooms, like a Hero Dose, like eight grams, went and talked to Jesus, and we had us a time.

And really what it was, my daddy called me and goes, yo, you're fucking up, boy. That little Asian boy buried your ass. You know what I'm saying? He said, you went up on that man's show with that goofy haircut and you were all drunk. You spilled your bag of cocaine on the ground. He said, that's not the boy I raised. He said, you need to get better or you got to go back to them oil fields. And I was like, well, let me learn how to read and write. You know what I'm saying? Right. Right.

Right, that makes sense. And so you've been practicing. You've actually been headlining your own shows. You're taking a very, very interestingly 2023 approach. You're taking your internet fame to sell tickets and you're kind of rushing to headline, but that's learning quick, right? Yeah, I mean, look, because of all that bullshit, I skipped the open mic stage, which...

I really wish I wouldn't because instead of bombing in front of 10 people, I'm bombing in front of 200 people at the secret show. You know what I'm saying? So you kind of have to learn. So it's all adjustments. Like, now I'm starting to understand the format and the art and the foundation of structure and shit and, like, actually getting a laugh instead of being a fucking maniac for a laugh. You know what I'm saying? So, like, it...

And look, look, I'm nowhere where I want to be. You know what I'm saying? I don't think I'm the best by any means, but I'm starting to learn and start to have appreciation for the actual art form of what's going on. You know what I'm saying? Right. And it's very interesting because you have a different path. Everybody has a very different path. Nothing is a straight line. And if it was a straight line, you would snort it. I already did. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. Yeah.

Well, my friend, this is a fairy tale fucking story. Joe List, anything else for Uncle Lazer? No, that was touching. Even when you're being genuine, it sounds like a wrestling promo, and I appreciate that. Yeah.

I love what happened here tonight. I've always thought you were this funny, and every time before this, you've come out and completely disappointed me. And so for this to happen tonight, it's the fucking start of a new era. Keep your goddamn... Well, have fun tonight, but after that, get back to fucking what you're doing. I appreciate you giving me the opportunity, man. It don't go unwanted. I appreciate it. It is not...

easy and the internet will hate me for it, but I continue to believe that you're going to show these people the spirit that's inside. Roseanne said it best when she first saw you. She said that there's a fucking little boy. No, she said the opposite. She said that she sees a fucking...

little country boy underneath all those tattoos and the fucking distraction haircut and all this shit that you have, all this character-y stuff. There's a real guy in there, and you showed it tonight. There he is, Uncle Lazer. Happy birthday, buddy. Yeah. Here, here's some Zippix toothpicks, Uncle Lazer. Happy birthday from Zippix.

Zip more, smoke less from Zippix. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. We still having fun out there, huh? It's a good crowd. I like you guys. I like this audience tonight.

Very rarely do I love an audience. I like you guys. All right, we're gonna meet this person all together. It's Zeke Houllette. Zeke Houllay, perhaps. Zeke Houllette. Here's Zeke, everybody. Come on, one more time for Zeke, everyone. Let's go. How y'all doing? Stuff, uh... I watch a decent amount of anime. Y'all watch anime?

Yeah, yeah. I also grew up in a small white town so I got called gay a lot for watching. Joke's on them. I got to college. That's the only thing I had in common with my black friends. It's true. It's a true fact. Like if you guys didn't know this, anime is like the I Write Sins Not Tragedies by Panic! At The Disco of television. Thoroughly enjoyed by weird white dudes and black guys.

Right? Like you might not believe me about the anime thing, but I tested it on my cousin for the song. You know, like I started him off easy. Started him off with some Green Day. He was like, "Turn this wack shit off, dude." I was like, "What, you don't like Green Day? What's going on?" He was like, "Nah, my girlfriend listens to this shit all the time." I do know one song, though. I already had that shit cued, okay? Like, you ever seen Celebrity Lip Sync Battle?

Remember when Snoop Dogg does Don't Stop Believin'? All the right lyrics, wrong choreography. Jesus Christ, Zeke. Oh, boy. Oh, fuck it. Nope, too late now. I know it. Relax. Here we go. We're going to get into it. Have you been on this show before? Uh-huh. About a month or two ago. Right. Okay. How did that go? Better? No. No. The bit went better.

Like my bit got a decent amount more laughs. It was a different bit though. Yes. Yeah. Right. And then the interview, the end of it, I got shit on a little bit. Why? What happened? I went after Cam's uncle. Uh-huh. So you asked me what the craziest thing that I've ever done is. Uh-huh. Wasn't a great story. Uh-huh. And it took a while. Have you thought of a better one since then? Yeah. Okay. Go ahead.

I mean, just a decent amount of crazy. Like, I've gotten multiple guns pointed on me on the road because I think I'm better than everyone in Austin at driving. You do? Yeah. Uh-huh. Because, like, I'm pretty sure that people in Austin forget two things when they're on the road. Uh-huh. When the next exit is and what a turn signal even is. Oh, you suck, dude. It's the worst day of my life. So let's talk about it.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Just a little over a year right now. A little over a year. What made you want to start this?

I got kicked off the wrestling team. You got kicked off the wrestling team? Uh-huh. An adult wrestling team? College. College? Yeah. Okay. Why'd they kick you off? I missed a COVID test. Okay. All right. Wow. They didn't like it. My goodness, it gets less and less interesting the more questions I ask. Every time. Okay. Sugar Sean, what do you think about this? I was just going to ask, how are your eyes smaller than Hans Kim's? It is incredible. Incredible.

It is incredible. And you have a smaller forehead than Uncle Laser. It's wild. You look like a baby gay werewolf of some kind. That's fair. It's incredible.

So what are your parents like? I'm trying to figure out more about you so that you have anything funny to talk about in the universe. My parents, my dad used to race downhill mountain biking professionally and my mom was just with him that entire time. Wow, your career is going downhill as well. This is incredible. Joe List, what do you think about this? I thought it was fascinating. First of all, why did the chicken cross the road? To get on the worst shirt of all time?

Oh, yeah. There it is. What I thought was fascinating was you're wearing chickens on your shirt, and then you also kind of flapped your elbows during your set. Is that on purpose? It is, and then you laid an egg up here. I used to wrestle. I keep my elbows in, and then they come out sometimes. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. No, I thought it was good. I thought the crowd sucked. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Do things go better for you other times, other places, Zeke, or do you just love the punishment of that? They usually go better. Okay. So much personality. I don't even know what to do with it all.

That's about it, yeah. What's your love life like, Zeke? I've been single for about three years. Wow. When's the last time you kissed a girl? Last time I kissed a girl? Last time I had sex was like a year ago. That's a total different question. Well, I don't remember every time I kiss a girl. I don't remember every time I kissed a girl. How about, can you take a guess when the last time you kissed a girl is, Zeke? I'd probably say about three or four months ago. Okay.

Okay, where was that? What was that situation? Just like at a bar, drunk. Okay. All right, Zeke. Any special skills or talents? I can do a backflip right now. No, you can't. No, no, no, you can't. There's stuff behind you, so you definitely can't. You definitely do not have room to do it, Zeke. You do not.

Are you telling me no? Are you saying that you can do a backflip literally in this space? You're the one that knows your capabilities. I'm saying I'll do a backflip or I'll fail it and it'll be pretty funny probably. No, no, no, no, no, no. It won't be funny. It won't be funny. Part of my job is to protect Joe Rogan in keeping hundreds of millions of dollars. That's fair. He also said he could do a minute of stand-up comedy. Oh!

Brum brum brum brum brum brum brum brum jet ski I'll tell you what you could do a backflip in the alleyway and hit the road Jack there goes Zeke Houlé everybody there goes Zeke I don't know I don't know I just don't know what time did we start

I feel like I should pull, but everybody's at the bar. Everybody's at the bar next door, so maybe I'll do something I never have done before. Maybe I'll pull until I get someone from the inside. How does that sound? All right, let's see what happens here. Let's see if we got anybody. It's very, wait a second. Wait, I bet this guy's here. Let's, this would be a fun thing to go to. Uh,

Make some noise. He's got to be around somewhere. If not, we'll find him. He's got to be here. Make some noise for David Jolly, everybody. Kill Tony. Legend of the game. Famously Cam Patterson's uncle. Very, very funny. Very fucking funny guy. We got to get him up here.

Let's see what happens here. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? We got 'em. Ladies and gentlemen, the creator of the term gang violence.

Cam Patterson's uncle. The man that brought Cam Patterson to Austin, Texas. This is Kill Tony instant legend, David Jolly, everybody. How y'all doing, white people in Puerto Rico? Since I've been living here in Austin, like, we got homeless people in Orlando, but in Austin, they got homeless people.

Like, these motherfuckers professionals, you know what I mean? It's like every time you see the homeless people, you always see them with a dog. And all I can think is, where the fuck they getting all these homeless dogs from? It's like as soon as you become a professional homeless person, they assign you a dog or something. Like, this is Tyler. He is 45 years old. Not in dog years. This bitch is 45 years old. And it's crazy, man, because I'm an empathetic person. You see him, you know what I mean? The guy has his sign.

His sign says, hey man, me and Tyler are extremely hungry. If you could, anything helps. That's when I look him in his eyes and I say, I know you fucking lying. You ain't that hungry. You ain't ate that dog yet. Tell me you fucking hungry. Got all this protein you walking around here with. I ain't never worried about that because Hans Kim, my friend, he don't have to. All right. David motherfucking Jolly. TAC, what up? Hell yeah. Game!

Hey, we here now. Legend of the game, David Jolly, Orlando, Florida, all the way to Austin, Texas. Famously. I'm on Austin right now. I'm finna get me some boots and a belt buckle. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Absolutely. We'll do a Richard Pryor, Gene Wilder type of... Hell yeah, you with it? That shit would be beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think it'd be beautiful? What'd you say, white man?

He don't know what the fuck going on. He don't care to me. He eyes here, right? These little Texas kids are scared to death of David Jolly. They've never seen anything like it. They don't know what the fuck I'm saying, right? They just see that gold tooth. They just get hypnotized.

That's incredible. Have you always had that? Is that new? What, the goatee? Yeah. Them bitches been there, man. These bitches ragging his head. Hell yeah. You know what the fuck going on. Hell yeah. Now that nigga on ketamine. He's definitely on ketamine. Yeah. Hell yeah. What up, Brian?

How you doing, buddy? What up, Kenfolk? Yeah, yeah, that my partner there, man. That red band. You feel me? What's up with you, Kenfolk? Hell yeah. What's up, Joe? Hey, it's a dude named Goron. Look just like you, but he just bomb all the time. He a comic from Orlando. He sounds hot. Yeah. Whatever you into. Ain't you like Russian or some shit? Am I Russian? Oh, no. My bad. That's racist as fuck. I'm sorry.

Goran like Russian or he like a Viking or some of that crazy European shit. You know what I mean? Me? No, Goran. I'm sorry. Oh, I thought you said me. No, no. My bad. I'm sorry. No, I'm not offended. Let me relax. My bad. You're good. You're doing just fine. I had to run all the way from upstairs. It's fucking crazy. Yeah, I know. We had one of the police officers chase you so that you felled at home. No, that just happened. It just happened. He was like, wait, wait, what the fuck going on?

Yeah, exactly. It's like, get on the fucking ground! Then somebody yelled out, hey, he's one of the good ones. Yeah.

So I was all right. Let me say that. I had a stamp of approval. You feel me? David Jolly is absolutely beloved here at the Mothership. You get a lot of spots. You're in the little boy working it out all the time. Guess what happened? Yeah. I'm a motherfucking door guy now. You got hired? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Welcome to Joe Rogan's Comedy Club. Wow.

Holy shit. There are no background checks here whatsoever. Oh,

No. My God. I was like, you sure, motherfucker? You're psyching me out right here. I thought it was a psych. No take backs. You're like, okay, no take backs. I thought it was a fucking psych. I'm like, these bitches psyching me out. I know what's going on. They're like, you're a door guy now. Don't let people in that look like this and they show a picture of you. Yeah, yeah. And then I'm the motherfucker patting them down and shit. That's crazy, man. I love it.

God is good. That's incredible. How long have you been working here? This sounds like a joke. I cannot picture you working here. Why? You're the oldest store guy by 20 years at least. Well, you're about right. You know.

I didn't realize we had a new rehabilitation system here at the mothership. My name's Tony Hinchclap, you fucking asshole. Uh-oh, he's getting mad. He's turning on me. I'm fucking with you. You know you're my brother, man. Shit, you're about to lose your job, homie. Damn, you gonna give me five? I'm kidding. I love you. God damn, Tony. I love you being the door guy here. That is absolutely hilarious. What a diversity program we have.

It was through my probation officer. Joe got to be the quota, so that's why I'm... You know what I'm talking about? No. Oh, shit. This is beautiful, man. What's your living situation, David Jolly? Oh, I live... I ain't going to tell y'all where I live at. I mean, I wasn't asking for your address or anything. Well, yeah. No, I stay like... I got some roommates. Some other cats from Orlando came. Yeah.

and we all rent a room. I was staying way out there on the east side with valleys and shit. I was like, this shit too far, you know what I mean? Right. But no, I don't stay too far from here, you know what I mean? I just got a lot. We moving and grooving, you feel me, TAC? Absolutely. Absolutely. Moving on up. Yeah, yeah. Okay. What's your love life like, David Jolly? When we first met you, you were talking about how you were getting your dick sucked from behind. Hey, I'm...

- Hey, I'm with the same girl. - You're with the same girl? - Yeah, yeah. - Oh my God. - Hey, but if you single and you a white woman with good credit, she don't live here, so you know. She understand, you know, we gotta eat out here on these streets. You feel me? You feel me? - Oh, hell yeah. - You feel me? Hell yeah. - Absolutely. Absolutely.

David Jolly. My goodness. Joe, have you ever seen anyone quite like this before? No, this is really something. I also feel you. And you're like magnanimous. It's really, it's like picking me up. It's good energy. I really, I feel lifted up. That's why me and Tony are best friends. Yeah. And now you're friends with Joe. I do believe his amount of black friends just doubled in front of our eyes.

Lock that shit in. Lock that shit in. Oh, you guys got a real handshake. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Hey, you can go to any barbecue now. You just got to get on that shit there. They're going to let you right in that bitch. My goodness. I put out a vibe of someone that's never met black people, but I swear to God, I know many, many black people. How many black friends you got?

He can count them motherfuckers. You know their names? Jamal, Deontay. Several, several. I lived in Harlem for one year. Oh, hell yeah. It's a lot of colors over there. He's cool. He's cool. He's been smoking your index finger for about 10 minutes. That is about the same color. That's your thumb, David. That's your thumb. Your index finger is your pointy finger.

Man, same thing, man. You know what the fuck I'm talking about. It's literally not the same thing. It is the opposite of the same thing. That was so stupid. It is a different thing. A thumb and an index finger. I know. He's been swinging your index finger. David's like, let's see.

I cannot believe I did it on national television. Television? It's fucking crazy, man. My mama did not raise me like this. It is the World Wide Web. Same thing, baby. National television. That's like saying the thumb is an index finger. It's the same damn thing. Yeah.

You're too old for this shit. He is too old for this shit. He's like, I can't believe I did this on Johnny Carson. Gang violence, baby. Gang violence, baby. Make some fucking noise for David Jolly, everybody. Hey, hey.

Can I do the secret show? Can I do the secret show? Of course you can, my friend. There you go. David Jolly. He's in it. Absolutely. Making sure he gets some work out of this. The great David Jolly. Absolutely. We love you, David Jolly. Follow him at Mr. D Jolly on Instagram and Twitter.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have come to that hour of the night where there's only one move left to do. Who better to have here than two fresh panelists that have never been here for the force of nature that's about to take this stage? Kill Tony Hall of Famer, the only living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame, up there with the great Michael Leighton and great Michael Lehrer.

A lot of people call him the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. He's a man of many names. This is indeed the Big Red Machine, the one, the only, the great, the powerful, William Montgomery, everybody. First off, Red Band happy Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur!

I'd ask if you fasted today, but I think we all already know the answer to that. Holy shit. Also, Sean, I just have to say you've seen much nicer than Richard Pizping when he was on the show. That's kind of a deep cut. Okay, let's keep going. Uh...

If you paid me $500,000 to claim Russell Brand raped me, he'd now be up to five accusers. I'm not saying those women were paid off. I'm just saying I can probably figure out a time the two of us were in remotely the same time zone. Russell Brand announced he is taking time away from comedy and will reappear in two years as the starting quarterback of the Cleveland Browns.

Also, I just watched Snakes on a Plane, so I'd like to say enough is enough. I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. William Montgomery. Wow. Look at this iconic moment.

This is basically, I mean, you're basically the same person. How did you know he was wearing green shorts, by the way? Look at this. Sean, so nice to see you. This is incredible. So nice to see you. Yeah. Yeah, Sean, I did this because I know you're getting very famous now. I was wondering if you needed a body double. That's why I came out here like this. Seriously, if you need a body double. Oh, no, no, stop. Yeah. Oh, no, no, stop.

Cool, yeah. Thank you so much. Oh, shit. Here we go. I'm tired of these fucking snakes on this motherfucking planet! Wow. This is... Quit looking at my dick!

It is very aggressive. I mean, there is a lot going on. We have so much to talk about right now. William Montgomery, famously the record holder for appearances and interviews on this show, and we are literally seeing more of him than we've ever seen before. For those of you that are just listening to the podcast, let me update you. He is indeed basically shirtless and almost pantless. He has an...

absolutely inordinate amount of dick on the front. I mean, there is something in there. And if y'all were wondering, it is actually very cold backstage, okay? Shut up, bitch! Holy shit. And I think we finally found out why he doesn't wipe his ass. It turns out he doesn't have one. It is incredible. William, turn around and show these people your...

That is... Wow. If y'all don't think I've been practicing my twerking, you'd be wrong. I mean, check this out. Oh, my God. That is just loose underwear bouncing. For those of you thinking you're seeing twerking right now, he is shaking the loose underwear where his ass should...

Okay, okay, okay. I don't know what I'm doing. This place is fucking wild right now. And then, William, let's talk about all that fucking... What is that in the front of your pants? Do you have something in there? Yeah.

Please tell me that's like a sock or something. Do you have two dicks? Yeah. It looks like there's stuff going on in there. I have to be honest with you. I have two dicks and three testicles. Wow. That is incredible. It's like a coconut shrimp or something. What is that? Coconut shrimp or something. Holy shit! Fucking bitch!

What the fuck is that? You have his mouth watering at the thought of a coconut shrimp right now. William Montgomery showing off today a perfect body next to Sugar Sean. You guys look like a before and after for exercise. Yeah.

This is absolutely incredible. You... You... Oh, my God! What is that? There's something in my stomach! Oh, my God! It's trying to get out. This is incredible. Wow. My goodness. You look like... You look like the stepdad that turned Sugar Sean into an elite athlete.

This is absolutely amazing. Your stomach is doing something outrageous. What is that? How do you do that? It's called a front twerk. I started... Joe Liss, please explain to us what you think is going on up here. You look like never been to the gym, the Anvil Neidhart.

I almost did a spit take. That was very, very good. Those of you that know Jim the Anvil Neidhart will laugh very hard at that. I guess nobody knows who he is. He was a wrestler 48 years ago. He had a beard. Wore sunglasses, giant red beard. Not quite as misshapen as you.

This is incredible, William. Explain to us how you get a body like that. I do 75 sit-ups a day. I do 200 push-ups a day. I'm doing 200 pull-ups a day. I'm doing 75 burpees outside. I mean, it's been so hot. I do a bunch of side straddle hops. I'm doing...

What else? I'm doing bench press, barbells. What else? I have a Stairmaster. I have a... What was that fucking noise? What the fuck is back there? But yeah, no, Tony, I've been working out super hard. Uh...

But yes, Sean, I mean, I swear to God, man, if you need some sort of security or anything like that, I would be more than willing to help. Just let me know. Maybe after the show we can talk about it. Yeah, for sure. Cool. Can you perhaps put the mic in the mic stand and show us what you would do if someone tried to attack Sugar Sean? Can you give us a little of that fight? Yeah, here he is. Joe, do you want to stand up? Okay. Joe. Wait.

All right. Don't hurt anybody. Don't touch anybody. Whoa. That was... Wow. Looks like someone may have found a new gig here tonight. Joe, how does it feel? Well, that was scary because I could see Sean on the other side of him, so that was kind of terrifying. Now...

For the folks at home, though, your body is not that bad. We're making jokes. That's a pretty... That's, you know, that's not horrible. Especially those knees. Look at those knees. Yeah. Red band taking shots. Yeah, red band. Well, his mom also kind of likes my body because I was in Ohio last week. Beating that shit up! I don't give a fuck, Red Band!

But yeah, I don't know if y'all have seen Snakes on a Plane. I saw it for the first time this past week, and that's crazy. They let loose a bunch of snakes on a motherfucking plane. The Big Red Machine showing us today exactly why he has that name. After we found out here today that he has two dicks and three testicles. It is incredible. It was a very expensive surgery I did.

Oh, there you go. You do have hemorrhoids. How have your hemorrhoids been? They're actually better. Some good Samaritan sent me a box here filled with Preparation H wipes. So whoever did that, I genuinely appreciate it. I was at Mitzi's when the package arrived. He literally got a giant box of Preparation H wipes. Yeah, I was thinking maybe it was a big box of money or something, but it was fucking asshole wipes. But thank you, whoever did that. I really appreciate it. Yeah.

Oh, wow. It wasn't you. Who keeps on fucking doing that, you dumbass? What are you going to do to that person who keeps yelling? I'm going to fucking meet you outside with Sean, and we're going to start cutting you from the ground.

I don't even know what that means. Cutting it from the ground up. What does that mean? But yeah, we'll probably kill you fucking dumbass. An absolute monster. He did it again. Another new minute. Repping Sugar Sean O'Malley. Make some noise for the great and powerful William Montgomery, everybody. The drawing is in from Ryan J. Ebelt. It's another fucking absolutely awesome one.

Let's check out the local artist, Chris Rogers. Oh, yes, that's right. That is in homage of our number one loyal audience. Remember the great Chief Turnbull right over here. Comes every single week. Those are his pets.

How cool is that? From fucking all the way back at that first club that we were at here, to Vulcan, to here, one of our favorite people. How about a hand for Chief, everybody? I do believe it's his birthday. Sharing a birthday with Uncle Lazer. Happy birthday. How loud can this place get for the reigning defending UFC phantomweight champion of the world, Sugar Shaw O'Malley?

And make some noise for one of my favorite comedians, the great and powerful Joe List, everyone! Enough for everybody out on YouTube right now. Go watch her right after this. Go to sugarshop.com, S-U-G-A shop.com, or .co, I'm sorry, sugarshop.co, and check out the Timbo Sugar Show everywhere. Thank you to Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Connect Mobile Health,

Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, CM Smokehouse, Waze 2 Well, Waze the number two and well, Not a Damn Chance Burger, CM Smokehouse, and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey.

And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. Check out everything Jetski Johnson. Make sure you follow her on social media. We love her. Legend of the game. That's the great James Atkins on the drums. Paul Deamer on the horns. D Madness on the bass. Matt Muehling on the electric. One more time for Jetski here on the horns. Paul Deamer also on the horns.

Exclusive Kill Tony merch for sale on your way out. And don't forget, Nether Hour is playing at Vulcan tonight. Check out the secret show every single Thursday in the Kill Tony band twice a month at thesunsetstripatx.com. Very few tickets remaining for our first ever show in an arena. The newly added show to the sold out show, December 30th. A lot of fun things happening there.

that night as well as the next night, obviously, as Kill Tony makes history in its own hometown of Austin, Texas. We fucking love you guys. Thank you so much, everybody. We did it. One more time for my guests, huh? Sugar Sean O'Malley and Joe Liz. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Don't cry. Don't cry, you guys.

*Drumming*

so