#631 - KIM CONGDON + JAMAR NEIGHBOORS
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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. If you want to check out any past episode, check out DeathSquad.tv. There you have all the links to all the video and audio of all the past episodes at DeathSquad.tv. If you want to check out Tony and his new tour, he's all over the road right now. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com to check out his tour schedule and everything Golden Pony.

And KillMerch.com is everything Kill Tony for merchandise. Get all the new hats, shirts, and everything else at KillMerch.com. And don't forget, if you're in Austin, Texas, check out my new comedy club, The Sunset Strip. It's at SunsetStripATX.com. The secret shows every single Thursday. Check us out, SunsetStripATX.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey everybody, Kill Tony live from the HEB Center in Austin, Texas. Saturday, December 30th at 7 p.m. Just went on sale and you have to trust me, tickets are going lightning fast. It's absolutely unbelievable. These will be the first podcasts of Kill Tony ever in an arena. This is a

two and a half, three times as big as the ACL Live Theater that we did for the 10-year anniversary. We've become an arena act. So check it out. It's going to be crazy. A lot of surprises, a lot of fun, unbelievable guests. It's a big production. This is our version of WrestleMania. Go to Ticketmaster.com. Look up Kill Tony. It's the one with tickets available. We're going back-to-back nights, the 30th and the 31st. HEB Center, live.

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Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchclan! Who's ready for the best fucking Monday night of their lives, huh? Yay! Make some noise for Redman, everybody. Hi!

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Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on This Week. Of course, no different, two of our favorite guests of all time and the first ever regular in the show's history. Over 10 years ago, she started writing a new minute every single week. Roast Battle Royalty, both stars of Comedy Central's former hit show Roast Battle. Make some noise for Kim Condon and Jamar Neighbors, everybody.

Jamar Nabors. Kim Lights Out Condon. And here we go again. Two people that know this show well have been there since we were in the belly room in front of eight human beings. Now we're about to do back axled out arenas at the end of the year. Kill Tony is. But when you guys started seeing Kill Tony and Kim, when you were on Kill Tony, there was only about 15 people in the room. There was, yeah. I did my first set ever on Kill Tony.

There you go. Tim Congdon. Ten years and three months ago, Jamar Neighbors brought an actual cheeseburger on the show. That's how comfortable he is. We've been friends for 16 and a half years. We were doing open mics together, waiting on sidewalks in the sun. No money, no car. This is just his grill.

Tony, I knew this show when it was just a knife on the table, dawg. That's true. Now we have a gel blaster brought to you by Gel Blaster. Use the promo code KILLTONY.

Save 20% on a jaw blaster at jawblaster.com. It's good shit, man. We're going to have fun tonight. Point is, you guys know how the show works. Maybe most of you out there do as well. Almost 200 human souls are waiting in a bar next door, hoping that maybe, just maybe, they're one of the few names that I pull out of this bucket here tonight. If I do, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear.

And that cuts them off, and then I start an interview process, and they talk to us, my esteemed panel. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Well, well, well, I gotta tell ya, the beginnings of these shows somehow have become one of my favorite ongoing storylines. The great and powerful Hans Kim, one of the great regulars of the show, selling out weekends all over the road, but it's not easy to write a new minute every week. And what we've learned is

is that if he is being challenged for his entire career on the line or his regular ship here on the show, he does much better than he does when he's not being challenged. Last week he got challenged and he dominated another comedian doing a much better 60 seconds, so he gets to stay a regular. The catch is he has no challenge this week and what we've learned is he's not quite always as strong when he's not being challenged.

So if he doesn't do great tonight, he's gonna get challenged next week. Does this make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, you guys ready to start tonight's show? 60 seconds uninterrupted. You guys know the words to the song? This is Hans Kemp. Thank you. Please laugh.

Thank you, sir. I was recently in Nashville and I went to a museum and I learned that in Nashville they used to have this thing called the Negro Building, which I think is horrible. Nowadays we just call it a basketball court. I don't understand these people that are like, "Don't get a tattoo when you're older. It's gonna look ugly."

Who are these people like, man I might not have had any fun when I was a kid but at least I have this pristine 70 year old body. I've never heard anyone be like, man I would totally fuck your grandma but her tattoos are gross. I have been buying a lot of things through Instagram ads. I bought that purple stuff that's supposed to make yellow teeth whiter. Yeah, I've been using it on my skin.

Thank you. Well, it appears as though we have created an unstoppable monster. Thank you, Tony. From beginning to end, the please laugh, you took all the tension in the room and let it rip right from the beginning. And then a very funny joke to close and everything in the middle, the Negro building. Yeah, it's a true thing. It's history, Jamar.

I love it. Why would you have to call out Jamar like that? He was just relaxing. He's chilling. He's enjoying himself on the show. You say Negro three times, Negro juice comes out. His hair was flat before this. He's just mad now. Hans Kim. You are wasist. Oh.

I was waiting for your lips to catch up to your words, so I... You did that set like you were here to avenge your brother's death. You're funny. Thank you, Jamar. I love you, bro.

Hans Kim doing it again. An unbelievable performance. You're wearing a, what is that, Phoenix Suns? Yes. You like the suns? No. Right. Neither does your father. Thank you. Thank you. I'm getting it from all angles. I love it. Thank you. My peers and my coworkers loved that one.

You get it? Yes. My father. Your father's disappointed in you. You talked to your parents recently about your unbelievable success. I mean, he is on the weekend every road or every... on the road every weekend doing fucking sold-out shows. It is incredible. Yeah, he should be proud of me. I don't know. I haven't really talked to him. We don't really talk. Um...

I would love to talk to him more. I think he's a great guy. You don't talk the talk, but do you walk the walk? W-O-K. They're coming in fast, people. Don't get lost. Stupid. Do you talk to your mom? No, I don't talk to anybody, really. Do they text? My mom I text with, but my sisters, I don't think they like my comedy. They think I'm racist.

Really? Yeah. Oasis. Are they like, are your sisters like very progressive? Yeah, they're fucking gay. Do you ever... Wow. Are they literally gay? One of them is probably gay. Wow. Wow.

Okay. Samurai scissors, you know what I'm saying? That's the sound of Asian lesbians eating each other out right there. There it is. There it is. So you don't ever call your family just to say, hi? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We're going to have to edit that one out. We're going to edit that one out. That's an edit point right there.

No? All right, we'll leave it in. Leave it in. God damn it, we'll do it live. What else is going on in your world, Hans Kim? You added shows this weekend in Denver, Colorado. We did a little show and Cam was supposed to be there, but he had to cancel on me. Yeah, he's got to do theaters with me, his actual dear leader. I love that you're trying to hijack my fucking own creations. I think that's why I came up with that

Joke about that building? You're angry, huh? I'm jealous of Cam. Cam! Whoa, he gave the black fist on that one. Let's go in with our senior African-American correspondent, Jamar Neighbors, on this scene. I like how you're squinting and still need glasses. Hell yeah. You are a wasist.

I love it. Tony, it's actually really cool to watch Hans go up. I've seen him from the beginning and honestly it was really bad before. Honestly. Watching you was like watching Hacky Chan. And now you're like jokey Han. Thank you. No, I'm serious. He's selling out theaters. He's bringing MSG to MSG. Yeah. There you go. There it is.

Thank you, Mr. Lowercase T. Whoa, you just... Kim said something and then you acknowledged Jamar 45 seconds earlier. That's incredible. You just thought of that? You were just brewing on Jamar for a while? Yeah, I've been holding that one in. Kim just made fun of you and you go, thanks a lot, Mr. Lowercase T. Man. That was confusing. You got nothing.

Don't slam the mic like that. It's a podcast. People are going, I like the black guy, but he dropped the microphone. Who does he think he is? We have some racist people that love the show. Yeah, he's on stage right now. Sorry about that, Jamar. Can you just do this? Mic drop, meet egg drop. Thank you.

I want you to apologize to all black people right now. Dear black people, I'm sorry that I said Little Mermaid was a shitty movie. I hope you get challenged for your spot. For your little spot. Say sushi's bad. Sushi's bad.

All right. Well, we've evened the scales of everything. Hans, obviously, will go unchallenged next week. Congratulations, Hans. Thank you, Tony. This whole putting pressure on you thing is really, really upping your game. I like it a lot. I think you do, too. I think it makes life a little bit more stressful, but it's not easy. And you're a shining star. Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, guys. There he goes. All right.

We have a bucket full ready to go that we pre-picked a second ago. That's going to be our next one. Actually, no, that's an insider. Somebody tell Liz she's next.

But first, our first bucket pool. This appears to be a new name. Let's see what happens here. These are people that sometimes maybe they've been on once or twice or whatever before, but it's usually new people. We're going to meet them all together. 60 seconds uninterrupted and then an interview going to Ben Williams, everybody. Here we go. Ben Williams. Look at me. I am the captain now. I was told...

That I look like the Somalian pirate that robbed Captain Phillips. I'll take it. You know, I'll take it. It's better than what I seen on the internet yesterday. You know, someone said I look like Chris Crackrock. It was my mom. It was my mom. Don't worry, she's blocked from all social media. But my mom was actually an entertainer. You know, she was a magician. She made my dad disappear.

I know I look like I got a drug addiction, but this is just starvation, you know? Like, I won't sell my body for drugs, but I might blow a guy off a meatball marinara.

Yeah, life is tough, man. Yeah, I'm Ben Williams, man. Yeah, I think I got one. Yeah, I'm Ben Williams. I think I got one more. I try to get in relationships, but I'm too broke. You know, nowadays, you need money for everything. You know, you can't even die. You know? All right, there you go, Ben. That was it. That's the end of the minute. Yeah, you went over. That's a gone. Thank you.

Thank y'all, thank y'all. Ben, you were on last week, right? Yeah, I was on like two weeks ago. Look at you, very, very lucky man. Yeah, man, thank you. You look fantastic. You look like if Jamar was born prematurely. This place is becoming a real Negro building, you know what I'm saying? I am black.

Funny shit, man. Hey, I support black people. Funny shit. You going far. I have nothing negative to say about you. Except for your fingernails look real dirty. He look like he go like this a lot. He looks like if Tiger lived in the woods.

My favorite thing about Ben's set was the cowboy from Fort Worth laughing the entire time and not at his jokes, just laughing. I don't think you've ever seen anything quite like this before, have you, cowboy? He's just cracking up. Very suspicious amount of laughter. He was on the set up, so he just came out and he started laughing just like that. Great mustache, man. Thank you. Yeah, that's great. Hell yeah, absolutely. Kim Congdon.

Yeah, that was really great. You had a great set. You look like the guy from Black Panther now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What conda dentist are you going to? I can tell he lives in Texas because of his buckies. Woo!

Kim Congdon's lived here one week already busting out the Buc-ee's jokes. You gotta love it. He looks like that Mexican alien they found the other day. Whoa, whoa, Red Band. Red Band? My God, when Red Band starts roasting, you know you're ugly. Holy shit. But he's Uncle Ben, so you have to call Rice on him. Oh my God.

You look like you're going to be a very successful black man, very in the future, god damn it. You look like you got me-tuned for visual harassment. You look like Denzel was in Aladdin Washington. You're so fun to make fun of.

Do you enjoy it? Are you having fun? Yeah, it's great, man. I'm having a good time. I love you guys. So remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for about six months now. Where did you start? I started in Texas City. Where? In Texas City. Texas City? Yeah. It's like 15 miles from where I'm from. Okay, where are you from? I'm from Galveston. Okay, Galveston, Texas. Oh, for people that know her, yeah. Okay, yeah, okay. Oh, shit. Sounds like a...

Galveston, Texas. Famously where Robert Durst put a body out on the water thinking that it was going to go towards the ocean. Yeah, this is the body. It was discovered in black trash bags. We're not far off from Okie Dokie. Where are your parents from, Ben? They're from Galveston. Oh, okay. Where are their parents from?

Okay, you're good. What do you do for work, Ben? I love that when you're laughing, you look like you're crying. It is incredible. You look like the Crip Keeper. The Crip Keeper? That's a black gang? You guys don't know. Jamar laughed. It's funny. The Crip Keeper. There's bloods and there's crips. Not cripped.

I've never called anybody the Crypt Keeper. I mean, I'm stuck with fucking cowboys out here not even knowing what the fuck's funny about my fucking Crypt Keeper jokes. Yeah. Well, um...

Like I said last time, I'm a comic, man. What? I'm a comedian. Okay. That's what I do, man. I've just really been following my goals. Yeah, they laughing. But no, I've really been following... Hey, hey, don't laugh, bitch. No, you can laugh. That's what my mom did. It was okay. It was okay. But yeah, that's what I've just been doing, is working hard to do this, man. Thank God. But how do you make money?

Oh, man. Believe it or not, I work for this dude that sell art on the side of the street. So I've just been selling art with him. You sell art on the side of the street? Yeah, on the side of the street. There you go, man. I'm going to make $50 off of that. Yeah, yeah. Put that in my bag. Yeah.

Jamar ramping up to give away a picture of himself that he painted. Here you go, man. This is for all black people. Very successful, man. You're going to be very successful, man. Wow. Goddamn right, man. Wow. All right. Y'all going to see me outside selling this for $50. You got $50. You don't give me my goddamn picture back? I do take cash out. I do take bail. He looked like when he put on lotion to make him looser. All right. Makes him looser? Yeah.

Make me looser. Oh, shit. Ben, what's your living situation? By yourself? Oh, no, I'm not by myself. I got different people that have been supporting me and supporting my dreams and stuff like that. I love it. Who are these people? Who are these people? Shout out to Celia. She was also here. Shout out. Shout out. Okay. Y'all familiar with her episode, Made Me Cry. Shout out to Celia. Yeah.

My boy Caleb. You know, I've just been couch surfing for now, to be honest. Okay. Yeah. Couch surfing, indeed. Uh-huh. He's saying indeed. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Oh, like I say, I do music, and I enjoy movies, and just going out, man. Just going out to the Barton Springs and just enjoying life. Yeah. What do you do at Barton Springs? Swim on the free side. Yeah.

I can't believe you think he swims. I was about to say that. I was going to say, ha-ha, she thinks I can swim. I'll put my feet in the water. This motherfucker's got fucking floaties. You know, I was actually a lifeguard, and I couldn't swim. Is that true? Oh, my God.

Ben, you are absolutely adorable. You got a big joke book last time? Yes, sir. A big one? Yeah. Good for you. Fun times. Congratulations. You're walking out with a piece of art. You got a gel blaster last time you were on? Yes, I did. What'd you do with the gel blaster? I still have it. You still have it? Yeah. You haven't sold it? No. He just wants a meal, dog. For sure. I love your style, Ben. I got something.

Whoa, look at that. Bitch, give me my sandwich. Hold on now. I'm gonna eat that. Ben, congratulations. A good minute. Thank you so much. There he goes. Ben Williams, everybody. Thank you.

Welcome to another round of Boardroom or Miro Board. Today we talk retrospectives with Agile coach Maria. Let's go. First question. You've spent two hours in a team retro, but the only input you've heard is Dave's. Boardroom or Miro Board? Boardroom. In Miro, Dave can't hog the space because everyone can add thoughts anonymously, online at the same time. Correct.

Next, you need the team to act on feedback fast. So you turn all those retro notes into Jira tasks. Miro all the way. And I can assign those tasks to teammates. You're nailing this. Now, you see hundreds of sticky notes from the retro. A real mess. But you organize them into five themes in just seconds. Miro!

I basically get back an entire hour when I use its AI tools for clustering. And she's done it. For a limited time, visit miro.com slash retro now for a free business plan trial to unlock advanced retro tools like private mode, voting, and two-way jira syncing. That's miro.com slash retro now.

Well, when I pulled this next name out, it stopped me right in my tracks because she is a Kill Tony famous. Not only did we watch this young lady, but I have watched this young lady grow over the years here in Austin, Texas. But she's an employee of the mothership now, and she's opening for me in one of her hometowns of Philly, PA in two weeks.

We know her, we love her. This is a brand new minute from Mothership Royalty. Liz Splatt, everybody. Here she is. Yeah. What the fuck? Talking to my homegirl earlier, talking about girly things, and she referred to her vagina as a flower.

Which is kind of weird, right? Because I guess I don't know about you guys, but I've never seen a flower get beat the fuck up like that. You know what I'm saying? Do you guys fuck? I would never call my vagina a flower. That would not work for me at all. I would maybe call my shit the Venus flytrap. Because when dudes get in it, they start bugging. You know what I'm saying? Ladies! On guns!

I'm not afraid to talk about it. Actually, I was having sex the other day with this dude and not to brag, but we broke my bed. Okay, you guys over here figured out I had a pretty shitty bed. What's exciting is two weeks later, this dude bought me a new bed. I know. I was like, okay, can we fuck on the stove? I got one more.

Can we fuck on my credit? Is that possible? Liz Splat. Tony! Amazing. That better be nice, Kim. Whatever you're writing down, it better be a compliment about how skinny I am these days. I was writing down that you look like you lift guys' legs over their head. That was nice, dude. Thank you, bro. Thank you. And honest. That is amazing. So you broke the bed. Yeah. What happened when he got on it? What?

Gershw, Tony! Gershw! Size, you dick! Did you say bus size? Gershw! We absolutely love Liz Splat. She has been a true local legend for years. I mean, a part of the...

Real crop of fucking little monsters being created here in Austin. Boss, mothership, employee, lots of spots here at this club, which has a lot of spots to give out and a lot of people getting work, getting better. So that's amazing. You're one of the people that I was really rooting for to get a job here. And you did and you're thriving. Thank you.

Yes, I mean, thank you. Yeah. I feel like I'm thriving. This is the best month of my life. Yeah. Best month of my life. What else is going on? Tell us more, Liz. I went to the Drake concert earlier this month. It was lit as hell. I was wearing a matching... I was with a group of friends, and we were wearing matching Nike Techs and Air Force Ones. Drake looked directly in my eyes and sang to me. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm pregnant or not.

Oh my goodness. Pray for me. Pray that it's yes. I'd be clutch. Looks like he might be. Oh, shut up. Sure, we're friends. We drink together at the bar at the end of the night. I mean, she's been around rappers, but not the music. Yeah. These kinds of rappers right here. You my damn sandwich?

My sandwich. Jamar, very protective of his sandwich. Something to keep an eye on throughout the episode. Jamar appreciates my shape. You're damn right. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, baby. I knew I could count on that. I like Splat, man. She look like her gynecologist is a dildo with a GoPro on her tip. I like that. You gotta love it. Splat is also what happens when Jamar fucks her.

It's like a wet sound. Anyway. Yeah, because this pussy be mad wet. Hell yeah. You know what? Turn it into a compliment. You know what? I'm with it. Let's go. I know that, Jamar. Why? Because you fat and white? Huh? Yes. Yes.

That's all we've established about me so far is that I'm fat and I'm white. And you're hilarious. That is true. That is true. That is true. You look like Charlize Theron went method again. I don't get that reference. If you saw the movie, you know. She looks like Charlize in the Chocolate Factory. I like that.

I like that. Liz, what is your love life like? Is that a black guy that you broke the bed with? No, actually, it's non-existent right now. It's just a non-existent love life. In fact, I didn't want to break it to you earlier, but I never broke the bed with a guy. It never happened. I thought it'd be a funny joke. I lied to you all. And you believed it. Now look at you. Just begging to break a bed with me. Yours truly.

Tony's going to go home and unscrew some of my screws in the bed just to make it real for me. Those are the only things getting screwed in that bed. I just said that. Just funny because he made it funnier. Well, you said the screw thing. I applied it to him. Totally. Look, it crushed. They love you. At least something will have a good frame. Oh, it's mean because I'm a woman saying it to her.

Are you talking shit about my body because I have a, I have a belly bite. I have a butt. I have a bug bite on my belly. Whoa. Wait. Aw. Okay, let me see. Take, take it off. Let me see. Take the bug. Oh shit. Whoa. Can you only zoom in? I've never seen a bandaid on a bug bite before. This should be interesting. Whoa. That is infected, ladies and gentlemen. Damn. D-Madness. I have a dollar for you. Oh.

She's a genius. You're not giving my band-aids. That was beautiful. I've waited 13 years to do a band-aids trick. That was so beautiful, Tyler.

Tony. I loved that. We've only been doing this show 10 years. That's the crazy part. Liz, so much fun. You are an absolute force to think of how this, like you taking over during this interview to see your confidence and the difference in only two years from moving down from Dallas, you know, a place where, you know, kind of had its own thing. You took a

chance. You gambled on yourself. You gambled on Austin. You're like two totally different people. You're the rock star that we always saw. And I do it again, bitch! I'll have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Hell yeah! Thank you so much, brother! Believe me when I tell you, this is the future right here. Liz Splatt, everybody. There she goes. See y'all in Philly!

Part of the crop of unbelievable employees here. You know, the system that the great Adam Egan brought over from the Comedy Store, picking some of the finest talent in the city to work here, to work around their elders, to learn things as they go, to pick up on...

good habits and things to do and what not to do. And another one of the employees here at the Mothership just spent another weekend doing theaters with me on the road. The man is a force of nature. He's probably the most famous regular on the show somehow, and only a mere fucking three months. A freak. Ladies and gentlemen, this is truly the future. You know who it is. The one and only Cam Patterson, everybody. Thank you.

Ay, y'all fuck with Target? Say, "Yeah." Fuck Target, nigga. 'Cause they fired me 'cause I was stealing shit. Was I stealing shit? Of course. The reason they fired me was like, "Cam, you just a little too urban for the cash register."

What the fuck does that even mean? They're like, Cam, you can't be telling white people have a good day, my nigga, when they check out. I had no idea that was a problem. I thought y'all loved when I called y'all niggas, dog. Ain't that right, my nigga, in the cowboy hat? Talk to him, nigga. Hell yeah. Can I ask you a serious question? It's a real serious question. It's me and you. I'm asking a serious question.

If you want to say n***a right now for the next 15 seconds, listen, just me and you, cowboy hat n***a. If you want to say it, you a genius. That was a trap. I was going to kill you. I did that exact same joke in Alabama. It did not go like that. Thank you all so much. Boom. Talk to me, man.

Monster. Come on, man. My man, Cam motherfucking Patterson. I was scared to ask this nigga. I was terrified, dog. I was like, he might say it. He might say that shit, dog. Not say it. I thought he was going to scream it. I waited for this shit my whole life. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God.

I love it. What an unbelievable minute. Absolutely incredible. Doing it again. Coming off a strong, fun fucking weekend on the road. I mean, this guy is absolutely killing in these theaters. Making the adjustments in this weird art form, a small room and even a big room like this is so different than a massive theater. It changes your timing, your pacing, and you've always done

Good, but to see you make adjustments to get stronger, it's fucking crazy. Thank you. It's been cool to fuck, like, you know what I'm saying? Running through that shit like that. Yeah. And it's tough. We had a tough weekend to travel this fucking weekend. We fell asleep in the airport together, nigga. Yeah, we did. Cam and I slept fucking feet to feet, long ways like that. That's some project babies, nigga. Our flight got delayed for four hours.

It was. And we woke up and we had Yoni and Christy had put blankets on us. Airport. We got a good family. They get paid the big bucks for gang violence. Yeah. It was perhaps I woke up. I fucking looked up and Cam's laying there all tucked in at this blanket, the half a smile on his face out like a light. And I'm like, this is the least amount of gang violence I've ever seen from this guy.

Whatever this is, this adorable sleeping kid is the opposite of gang violence. I was dreaming about not getting shot at, nigga. I was so happy. Nigga, this shit is beautiful, nigga. My life is so different now. From drive-bys to sleep-ins. I love it. Oh, yeah, talk to him.

I bought me a belt. You feel me? Yep. Yeah, yeah. But I don't wear pants, so I put it on right here. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. I'm a fucking genius. And I'm irresponsible with money. You know what I'm saying? That's the problem. You like my belt hat, nigga? He loves the fact that it's around your neck. That's for sure. Hey, if he didn't like that, I would have whipped him with it. Reparations. You know what I'm saying? Oh, hell yeah.

Oh, shit. He just reached for something. He reached for something. He was about to give you some money. He was about to give us some money, man. Yeah, yeah, us. Yeah, nigga, me and Jamal, you owe us a Fort Akerson and a mule, nigga. You know what I mean? Hey, nigga, you whoop him with that, nigga. I whoop him with this shit.

Oh my. Cam, you're one of my favorite comics. I have nothing negative to say about you. I think you're fucking brilliant. I got one question. Did you kill King Von? Nah, man. Cam's fucking brilliant, man. Absolutely. What else is going on, Cam? Anything else in your normal life? That show we did in Annapolis, a dude had stopped me and he was like, hey, my girlfriend could suck a great dick.

And I thought it was like a joke. And I was like, ha ha, that's cool. You know what I'm saying? And then she was like, nah, I can suck a dick. And then I was like, what? And then she was like, I can. And he said, you want to give her a test drive or something? Yes! She sucked my dick. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Dick number! Black power! Black power!

This dude just came. He was about to come and then they said Black Power. He went soft. We watched him go through the whole process there. So could she? She could. It was great. Phenomenal. Like go at it, go at it.

Oh, shit. She ain't had no teeth, nigga. Whoa. Unbelievable. I'm jealous of you. Yeah, she's white. Yeah, she's white as shit. You know what I mean? The best. Y'all get it. Wow. Absolutely. Cam Patterson living his best life out there thriving, getting toothless blowjobs. Where'd you go to have the blowjobs? In the green room. Tony ain't no... Wow. There's a...

There's a few green rooms in these theaters, thank God. Was it still green when you were done with her? Yo, why the hell, brother? Why the hell? Clear, whatever color your cum is. If it's yellow, you got gonorrhea, my nigga, you know what I'm saying? So fun. So much fun to do the road with. What else did we do?

We ate good. We had fun. Yeah, yeah. You take real good care of me, dog. This is some of the best shit I've experienced in my life. You feel me? Yep. We watched the game. The Colorado game. We did. Holy shit. That was crazy. Shout out Colorado. Them boys snout. Shout out Deion Sanders, nigga. Hell yeah. They get it. Talk to them. That shit was wild. That shit was crazy. Prime time. It's unbelievable. Typical. A black man trying to sell the nuggets. Nope. I didn't get it. You almost got me, kid.

I wish I knew sports better. That's Denver. What? I thought it was the Denver Nuggets. Fuck you guys. Cam Patterson, an absolute force of nature. And we love to see it. You're a huge part of the squad. Make some noise for Cam Patterson, everybody. Hell yeah. Cam. One more time for Cam Patterson. Woo!

Alright, we're moving along smoothly. Back to the bucket we go. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for your next comedian. DK. Two letters. D and K. Here we go. DK, everybody. Here he is, DK. Make some noise for DK, everyone. So, I lived with a woman recently.

And I get asked, did it change your opinion on anything? And I go, yeah, it did. I now think Chris Benoit was a hero. For those of you not in on the joke, it's not that bad. Chris Benoit just killed his wife and family. You know, funny thing about that. I was reading the Bible recently. And in the Bible, it says that women were so beautiful that the angels fell down to heaven to bed them. Did you guys know this?

Yeah, I noticed after reading the chapter several times that it mentioned nothing else. It stopped there. So, that was... I'm so sorry about that, guys. Crispin was not a hero. I think women are perfect. I just actually decided that right now. All right, that'll be it for me. Thanks. Wow. Crispin, what the fuck did you think was gonna happen there? That was scary. Oh.

Yeah, I was like, what Jordan Peele movie is this? I was about to get out.

Look at you. You are adorable. Are you dressed for your first day of second grade right now? What's happening? Yeah, that's how it feels. I'm definitely nervous like it's my second day of second grade. Wow. Look at you. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, I have. Okay. It's my second time. How did the first time go? It went good, but I don't think you end up liking me. I was drunk from my interview. Oh, okay. Yeah. What did we talk about? Did you watch it? Yeah, I did. I did.

You asked me what I did, and I told you I was a neurosurgeon, and you did not find that funny. Because you're not a neurosurgeon. Yes. Right. Yes. Why would you say that if you weren't a neurosurgeon? I was making bad decisions that day, clearly. Okay. What do you do for work? So I manage gaming accounts online. I run a small business online. I was working at a hotel at the time, but I no longer do that. I make enough income managing accounts, so...

Yeah, that's what I do. I do that in comedy. All right. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, DK? About two years now. Two years. And that is your second minute. Do you have jokes that are really good and you just haven't done them? Yeah. That was a new one. How many of you want to hear a good DK joke? Really?

Here we go. We're going to give you a chance here. We're going to let you reload a little bit because Chris Benoit, a little bit of an old reference, kind of inside baseball, pro wrestling reference from, I mean, that tragedy was probably, what, 10, 11, 12 years ago or something. So here we go. Let's reload. Two years in the game. DK, your best quick little joke here. And here we go. Bonus round joke for DK. Drunk the first time he was on this show and now...

Just had a rough minute here. So this, we're about to actually find out. Two years in the game, and all he does is work from home and do stand-up comedy. Here we go with his best joke, DK. It's good. So, I don't know if you guys remember this, but being a young, immature man, anybody could fuck up your reality just by telling you something was gay. You'd be doing something harmless, like, I don't know, coloring. Pretty gay. But...

Someone like your older cousin or your older friend would come around and they just look down and they go, that's gay. And you go, okay, well, I guess Spider-Man doesn't need all his colors anymore. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. All right.

Two years in the game. And he's black. Jamar, you've had a real theme tonight of backing the people with the coloring book jokes, if you know what I mean. Again, I am black. And here we go to our senior African-American correspondent on the scene reporting live, Jamar Nabors.

This nigga look like if Shig Knight was a social studies teacher. Thank you. I'm Jabari Malachi-Navis, Compton, California, 1986. Woo! We're partying back to kill Tony. And we're back in studio here. He looks like The Weeknd if it was a Monday. Keep going! You are kind of a nerdy black guy. Tell us how you ended up this way. It's the glasses. Were you mostly...

Uh, your parents are still together? Uh, no. When did they separate? Um, so, this is, you guys might have already guessed this, but my dad left. There you go. And my mother was on drugs. Hey, I feel you, player. Me too. And now if you guessed them both...

I guess you're fucking psychic. Yeah, totally psychic. Uh, let me guess. You're, you still don't talk to your father? Oh, I actually do. Oh, uh, I'm not an actual psychic. Uh, what does he do for work? Uh,

He's running from parole right now. Running from parole. For some reason, I thought he was going to say running for Congress or something like that. Running for governor. No, running from parole. Well, luckily you didn't say this on a huge podcast. Yeah. Oh, I don't know where he is. Yo, for all the niggas that are watching this show, man, I got nothing to do with none of this shit, man. I just showed up. And this is what happened. I love Kill Tony.

Jamar also running. Go ahead. No, you go. He looks like he works HR for the Bloods. Yeah. Oh, shit. That killed so hard, someone just broke a beer bottle over their head. Unbelievable. Doesn't get any better than this. Middle of Austin. He looked like somebody wore his skin and then gave it back to him dirty. You're the only one on the panel that could have made that joke. All right.

That's why I said it. That was a good one. I love it. This is incredible. So you make all your money from home on a laptop computer. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy? What else? Tell us more about you. I go out to bars, clubs. I do a lot of reading. What do you do there? What do you do when you go out to these bars and clubs? I dance. I socialize. You dance? Yeah. How many of you want to see DK dance right now? Oh!

Come on, give me a little something here, John Deese. Give me a little something to dance. Nigga, you better not tap dance either. That's actually what I was going to go to do. That's immediately what I was going for. A little dance music. Here we go. One, two, three, four. DK. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. You want the Statue of Liberty?

I want to make sure that everybody knows what I'm doing, so I wanted to do a fist pump. Okay. All right. Show us how you dance at the clubs, DK. That's not club music, though. All right. Here's a little club music for you. The best damn band in the land. It's John Deez on the keys.

Alright, oh shit, he's doing the young pedophile shuffle here. Oh my goodness. It's like Bill Cosby shit. There it is. You give me two-step music, I'm a two-step. Okay, what kind of music do you want? You have any eight-step music? Give me hip-hop, like club music, yeah. Give me something that gets sturdy, too. Sturdy? Yeah, something that gets sturdy, too.

Alright. I'm 25. I'm not 40. Wow. Like, this is the point that I'm trying to make. Very picky. Play that one. This is the point that I'm trying to make. There, dance to that, motherfucker. If you give me white music, I'm going to have to do white dances. Can you do a white dance? Hit that again. Hit that one more time for me. Let's get him to dance it.

All right, I hate you. That's not how you guys dance? I hate you again. Not drunk. No, it's been a good time, though, Tony. I appreciate you having me. Indeed. Congratulations. You ended up with a little joke book last time, or I gave you nothing? You gave me a little joke book last time. Okay, well, there you go. Write something in it. All right. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, DK. You guys have a good one. The bucket is real.

Anything can happen on this show. Sometimes the bucket gives us people twice that have zero jokes.

and sometimes the bucket gives us greatness. Your next comedian is the most recent golden ticket winner in the show's history. Fresh off of winning it three weeks ago, he's done a spot every week since then. I must warn you, he's a special, special creature. The guy is like if I had no confidence. It's almost like he's sick

It's almost like he doesn't want to be here at all. He has a very defined, self-deprecating style. Make some noise for him. I love him. It's another new minute by the great Rick Diaz, everybody. All right. I've been trying to get rid of my toxic masculinity. I really miss COVID. I miss COVID. During COVID, people were staying six feet away from me.

which was closer than before. I wouldn't hurt a fly if I tried. I tried. Yeah. Does anybody here have a sexual bucket list? I can help. I don't have a sexual bucket list. I have a sexual bucket and it's full of tears from Hans Kim.

Thank you very much. I've been sad man, Rick. Rick Diaz. Wow. Another amazing minute from Rick Diaz. Very defined style.

Again, calling out Hans Kim. I love that you want to take his job. You literally are a golden ticket winner. You get to be on the show anytime you want. But you would think that... You would never guess, right? I don't even live here. He doesn't live here. And he literally wants to take Hans Kim's job from him. That's what foreigners do. They take Americans' jobs. Why was there a hawk there?

What did the hawk have to do with anything? Just taking his jobs. All right. Oh, okay. America. Okay. Thank you very much. I actually didn't know. So, Rick, how's Kim Congdon? What do you think about this guy? I feel like he still spells boobs on a calculator. I do. I feel like you're... With a lot of fives at the end. I feel like your dick smells like a book.

My dick smells like a magazine. I'm really happy to see you. I saw your set at Sunset Strip the other night. Oh, thank you. Yeah, it was okay. That's it. I'm calling immigration. Only one of us can be here. Holy shit. Rick taking shots at the throne over here. Look at you. The ball's on you.

Their Spanish balls are huge. They are, right? You look like you shake when you have sex with a woman. But they like it. Yeah. Hey, I'm going to leave him alone. I'm going to leave him alone. Yeah. Unbelievable. Rick Diaz, a force of nature. Do you have any, Jamar, go ahead. Oh, hey, I'm a huge fan of you.

Thank you. I had one on lock for you. I won't say it. Fuck it, nigga. You look like Mr. Burns came out the woods and became an alien. Run that shit. Look at the way he rolls with things. It is unbelievable. That is what it is all about. Rick Diaz putting on an improv clinic here. I'm really sorry you had your paw on all of those chains.

I won. I'm afraid of you, but not because you're black. Because I'm afraid that my shoes might get stuck on all that Velcro. Oh shit. Man, why you wearing Woody from Toy Story pants, motherfucker? Because I can fit in them. This is incredible. This is the greatest argument between a criminal and a public defender I've ever seen in my entire life. So are you still trying to protect Hans Kim?

Michael settle down over there Jesus Christ Battle drums really? I don't care about the regular spot If he dies, he dies

So wait a second. You literally are leaving the United States of America next week. Yes, sir. And you have one more Monday left in town. One more Monday to take a man's job. What is this? It doesn't make any sense, though. If you win, you won't be here. Would you stay? He has a job working with the EU. Oh.

That's what I said when he came out here. I was like, P-E-U. That's not what you're going to say later tonight. I'm going to be saying someone won. Listen, Hans Kim is selling out theaters all over the country. I did an open mic at a pizzeria.

I feel like, fuck it. That's why I'm doing it. I don't give a shit where this takes me. I'll see what happens when it happens. But Hans Kim was doing an open mic in pizzerias just two years ago. Yeah, me too. Two years ago, I was doing open mics to an empty crowd in a strip club in Bangkok.

Very specific. So what do you want? What exactly do you want? If you became a regular, you'd have to go back to Brussels. You can't afford to fly me. You want me to fly you every week from Brussels to Austin? I'll fly myself if you can't afford it. What are you talking about? Oh my God. This guy's unbelievable. I am going to fuck him. Oh my God.

Fuck him, Kim. We finally found a way to keep him in Europe. He's gonna need that free healthcare after you're done with him. Kidding, I'm kidding. Shut up. And the unemployment benefits.

So Rick, seriously, explain to us what the battle plan would be if you beat Hans Kim for regular ship. If Hans Kim beats me because he brings his A shit and he gets his act together and he beats me, we'll see what happens. If I beat him... What do you want? I'll give him an honest rematch at New Year's Eve in that arena. Oh my God. Listen to this. I fucking love this idea. Now you've sold me on it.

Now there's a little storyline. There's a little punch to it. You know what? He had a great set tonight, but absolutely Hans, sorry, bro. Next week, your final week in town, 60 seconds versus 60 seconds for the regular ship. It will be Rick Diaz versus Hans Kim to start next week's show. And if Rick wins...

Hans stays the regular. But they battle on New Year's Eve in front of over 8,000 people at the H-E-B Center. What if Hans wins and he loses his golden ticket? Whoa. Wow. Red band with...

You only get that one out of every 300 times he talks, folks. I don't know how many of you are real fans of the show, but the king of bad ideas just showed that every once in a while he can dust off a good one. How does that sound to you? Will you put your golden ticket up on the line? Yes!

Now, let me remind you, if you lose, that means you don't get to go on every Kill Tony that you want. But if you win, then you battle again, and if you beat him on New Year's Eve, you're the new regular, and he's gone. So you become a new regular. This gives you a chance to go back to Brussels, put a ribbon on things, and...

Look at this guy. Natural showbiz fucking star. Soaking it in. Building anticipation. Calling off the band. And here we go. If I lose... Shut up, you idiots. Shut up, you fucking trash people. If I lose...

It's okay, I got the golden ticket, nobody can take that away from me. If I lose it, I don't give a shit, but I want a chance to recapture that golden ticket at New Year's Eve.

Okay. I get it. I love it. It sounds like two great fucking showdowns to me. Next week, Rick Diaz versus Hans Kim to start the show. But if you fail to get the golden ticket on New Year's Eve, you're never allowed to be on Kill Tony ever again. No, no, you're done. There you go. Right back to bad ideas. There he is, everybody. You can set it to a fucking clock. This is like the retarded UFC. Yeah, it is.

It is. It's the UFC took the SAT. That's what's going on here. You ready, Rick? You got it? Next week, minute versus minute. I mean, Hans Kim had five punchlines tonight. Yeah. My last joke tonight had five punchlines. Wow. Look at that. I don't give a fuck.

I came here having nothing. Where's Hans? Is Hans up there? I came here having nothing. If I leave with nothing, I'm good with that. Where's Hans at? We got eyes on Hans? This is hilarious. Hey. I want to see this face off. I'm going for a deal. Yes, maybe you can. It's okay. We have a scale back there. Can we get the scale? We'll let these guys weigh in. Give me a scale. Give me Hans, Kim.

By the way, it's 70.7 degrees Fahrenheit in the room, if anybody was wondering. 49% humidity. I still appreciate it. What do we got? Oh, shit. And he is not smiling, by the way. He is not smiling. Get in there, Yoni. All the way in. Straight across. Oh, my God. Oh, shit.

Oh my God. Hans, holy shit, everybody. Wow, look at this. Hans, step up to the microphone. Michael, relax, Jesus Christ. This fucking guy's on goddamn testosterone over there. Relax, dude. Oh my God. Let me tell you guys something.

fucking, all entertainment aside, Hans absolutely hates the fact that I challenge him on his regular ship. It bothers him tremendously, but he does see the results week after week after week of the pressure. It's how diamonds are created, and here you go. You have this Rick Diaz who for two weeks in a row keeps dropping your... For no reason. laughter

There's nothing funnier if you know him than a mad Hans Kim, by the way. What you're seeing is real. He's not an actor. Do you see that smile? How would you like it if someone came to your job and was like, hey, I could do better at your job. I challenge you.

A guy that I invited into my home, he played Catan with me and my girlfriend. I did a podcast with him. And these are what Europeans are like. Don't turn into this. You are American. You have a backbone and a spine. Oh, my God. I love the nerd-off you guys are having. It is incredible. I invited him to my house to play Catan. I let him use my retainer when he went to sleep that night.

I swear to God. I gave him a 20% off LensCrafters coupon. I let him borrow my fucking calculator. He needed it to do a math problem. Computer modulators. This is really going to Dungeons and Drag on. Hey, that is true. I hope Rick Diaz wins because he's less wasist. Oh, shit. When you come to a dork in the road...

Hans Kim, what do you think about this challenge? Now, I don't know if you caught it, but here's what's on the line. Rick Diaz versus you next week. Basically, whoever wins, nothing happens. But there's going to be a rematch on New Year's Eve in an arena.

in which either you win and you take Rick's golden ticket from him. Technically, this is like in pro wrestling when someone has both the heavyweight championship and basically the intercontinental championship at the exact same time. You would have a golden ticket, which would mean nothing to you other than the fact that you took it from some European that thought he could take your job. Woo!

Let me remind you, Hans, that you are beloved on this show and every single time, I believe you're what? Six and O all time in challenges. - Except by the record. - Why is it padded? - Padded. - Why is it padded? Explain to us why. I love that you two hate each other. - How long have you been doing it? - Four years. - Oh my God. Hans, how long have you been doing it? - 10. - Oh shit.

Look how pissed he is. Some of you might not be able to see it. Maybe you need to know Hans a little bit better like I do. But that is his fucking furious face. Right now he's smiling, but you're going to see it. It's going to go right back to it. Watch Rick say something. Say something, Rick. Say anything. Anything at all. That is weird. It's weird because he's kind of smiling. Most people, if they're smiling a little bit, you're like, oh, that person's all right.

Han smiles a little bit right before he's about to kill somebody. He's playing that rape game. All right. Okay. Red band, a little bit less. Put the mic down. Put the mic down. Let's focus on the sound effects or something.

So Hans Kim, you have a chance to take Rick's golden ticket from him. Why don't we just skip next week and announce it for New Year's Eve and we'll take care of business then. How about that? Does that sound good? Yes. Okay. Yes, sir. Wow. Hans is extra excited about this. Golden ticket versus regular ship. Wow. Wow.

We have a scale there. Why don't you stand on the scale for no reason whatsoever. We have an actual scale. 177.6 pounds. And here we go. Rick Diaz is gonna... There you go. Rick Diaz is gonna stand on the scale. This is incredible.

It's not picking up anything. No, it's 146.4, a weigh-in for no reason. New Year's Eve, regular ship versus golden ticket winner for basically citizenship. Kill Tony, giving immigrants of all different shapes and sizes a chance at making it big in show business.

Rick tightening the mic stand just tight enough. There he goes. Rick Diaz, everybody. Which one did I... That one was... Okay. Wow. Storyline, folks. New Year's Eve.

I had no idea. That could go either way. The thing is, is Rick, you know, we've seen less new minutes from him. And with four years, he probably has a lot of minutes of good material up his sleeve. But,

But Hans, really good at writing topical jokes and beloved by this crowd that literally watched him go from absolutely broke to a success story. So like the fans of Kill Tony are deeply invested in Hans's success. And plus, he's an American and Rick Diaz is a filthy fucking Euro. You know what I mean? It's tough to beat.

I would say Hans is a minus 100 favorite there or something like that. Okay, your next comedian straight out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here. You guys having fun still? All right, this is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted going to Jordan J., everyone. Here we go, Jordan J. Jordan J. is next on Kill Tony. Should be coming out any second. Here comes Jordan J., everyone.

He's inside? Okay. Here is Jordan J. Hell yeah. How y'all doing? Y'all doing good? Hell yeah. I'm glad to be here, man. Just moved to Austin, man. It's really diverse down here, man. I'm biracial. My daddy black. My mama white. Growing up, sometimes she was black and blue.

It's all good though. I don't judge my parents, man, 'cause I figured out I want kids, you know? Just not right now. Not right now. They doing stuff I can't get behind. Like if I have a daughter, she gotta stay a girl. I'm not transphobic. I'm just selfish. Did you know it costs $100,000 to change from female to male? Yeah, so if anybody in that house getting a new dick,

It's gonna be me. Well, I like buying her the new Benz. I'm still walking around with the same old hoopty. I get to know when she can have the hand-me-down. Y'all been great. That's my time. Jordan James.

Flexing, one of my favorite things about the show is when there's someone, I remember you from shows at Vulcan, right? And even maybe the place before that? No, it was just Vulcan. No, Vulcan. That was my first time. Anyway, that was your first time on the show? Yeah, this is my second time here. Right, second time on the show is right now. Second time on the show, yes sir. And the first time did not go that well whatsoever. No, it did, it went great. It did? Yeah, yeah, I got a big joke book, big, yeah. This went better? Yeah.

This was great. This was even better, I think. You said both went great. Which one? If you had to pick one to go better, which one would you say? I'll say this one. Hell yeah, 'Cause We In The Mothership. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was right with everything that I was saying the entire time. It was the episode Hans Kim Got His Tattoo. Okay. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like Chucky grew up in Compton. Shout out to Compton. You look like Rolanda Rose if she took the vaccine.

Whoa. Keep going, keep going. Oh, shit. Oh my goodness. You look like Carrot Top and Blackface. Keep going, keep going. Yeah, yeah, you trying to fuck? Whoa. Keep going. Whoa, whoa. You look like Blake Griffin if he drove a Kia. Oh, shit. She got a bite of the cheeseburger.

That means Jamar loved that joke. That is absolutely incredible. If Blake Griffin drove a Kia. Jordan J., remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Two and a half years now. And where are you from? Dallas. And how long have you been here? Two weeks. You moved here two weeks ago? Yeah, man. Okay. How does it feel? What's changed? Shit a lot, bro. Like, the pussy down here crazy. Yeah.

It really, it really, it really is. I mean, I have to, and I'm just saying, like, the level of beauty in the women in Austin is crazy, and I kind of forgot about it until I've been, not you, ladies back there. I saw you earlier. Don't make noise for yourself.

But no, it's crazy. I was just in Kansas City on Friday, Indianapolis on Saturday. You see thousands of people at once at a time in a day and then another city the next day. And then you come to the Austin, literally the fucking airport, and you're like, oh, that's right. It's a whole different thing here. The hottest people in Kansas City and Indianapolis are monsters here. Monsters. Disgusting.

Impossible to look at. And this guy just got hard again. Okay. Jordan J., tell us about your love life. Are you closing with these Austinites? Yeah, man. It's been kind of crazy, though, lately, man. Because I like sex and shit. But I figured out I like to...

Take showers before sex and then put my underwear on anyways. Hold on a second here. Let's get this order of events correctly here. So you know you're about to have sex with a girl. She's at your place. And you're like, I'm going to jump in a shower by yourself or with her? No, man. Solo got to wash the nuts good. You got to wash your nuts good. Yes. Okay. And then you put underwear on? Yes. Regardless, even though if you're just about to jump right into it, you go underwear back on? Yeah. It's the feeling of taking them off.

I get that. You know what I'm talking about? And if you shower beforehand, you get to take them off twice. Yeah, it's the pull down. Like when your dick hard as fuck and that elastic band run across that dick. Yeah. Whoa, this guy's interested all of a sudden. This guy has said nothing all night till now. That guy's got a fucking huge cock on him. That's what's happening there. Wow. The secret's out, dude. What's up, dude? You on property?

Hell yeah. Hey, hey, hey, she for sale. Oh, shit. Not for you. Oh, my goodness. This is incredible. Wow. And you're kind of like, what would we consider you? You're somehow a white mom, black dad, and you came out kind of red. Yeah. Yeah.

It's weird because if you move the words around in ginger, you can get... You get... Hey, hey, hey. Hold on. Let's check in with our senior African-American correspondent here. Hey, I'm Jamar Malik. I'm from California. If you switch gender around, there needs to be two G-I-N-G... Oh, hell no. Yo, going back to Tony Hinchcliffe.

Spelling bee champion Tony Hinchcliffe. Fucking call him albino. Yeah. Yeah, man. Albino indeed. So does the carpet match the drapes? Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, I know. No, yeah. It's weird 'cause it like, it go through like when the seasons change, like it go from-- - Right, yeah. This is actually, we have a chart of what your pubes, Jamar, turn your head sideways. We have a chart, this is how it starts. And as the seasons go on, it gets dark and then red again and then dark and red again.

This is January through February and then March gets a little April, May and then June for some reason we go dark again. Winter is where everything dies. And July to October here and then a little something special for Christmas and New Year's at the end there. Shout out to June team. Red band's going to have to go in and fix every time you drop that mic.

Then look at him, look at him. Oh shit. Was he about to play the Lion King shit? Yeah, that's what happens. That's Red Band's version of the N-word. When he gets mad at a black person, he hits that sound effect. I thought it was Jesse Jackson.

I love it. So let me ask you something, Jordan, because we don't get that too many light-skinned black guys on this show. Do you look up to other light-skinned people? Yeah, hell yeah. Who are some of your favorites? Drake. Wow. I think that's about it, man. Steph Curry? Colin Kaepernick?

- Y'all folk calling. - You do? - Yeah, 'cause he good at pissing white people off. - Yeah, yeah he is. We don't like him. - Yeah.

This guy definitely doesn't like him. Hell yeah. All right. Well, fun times, Jordan. You already have a big joke book. You have a gel blaster. Business is booming for you. Jordan, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Hell yeah, man. Thank you. We're also going to leave here with some Zippix toothpicks as you walk off backstage. I don't have any up here, but Zippix. Smoke more.

Smoke glass, zip more. Zippix toothpicks. Don't smoke more. Don't do that. Don't smoke more. Use Zippix toothpicks. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. We having fun out there tonight, huh? It's a fun episode. I like it like this. It's just the machine is rolling. Everything is fully operational. How about another hand for my amazing guests, Jamar Neighbors and Kim Congan. We're having fun here. This is so much fun!

Make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Chad Dixon. Chad Dixon is next on Kill Tony. Here he is. Make some noise for Chad, everybody. These people wait all night for this. Make some noise for Chad Dixon, everyone. Hell yeah. Back-to-back gingers. What a treat for you all. Oh, my gosh. My name is Chad. I actually come from a long line of shitty names.

Yeah. My grandfather's name was Gaylord. True story. My father's name was also Gaylord. It took a while to crack the code. I heard recently that dogs can smell lung cancer on your breath. I'd hate to see the prostate exam. Oh, my God. This is our German shepherd, Milo. He's gonna be smelling your asshole today. Uh...

Boy, he likes it. What'd you sit in? Peanut butter, buddy? What'd you? I'm just kidding. You got cancer. I hate this part, guys. My girlfriend just broke up with me. Like three years ago. Thank you. That's been tough. It's been a tough year. She had the perfect body, you know, perfect body for pass blocking in the NFL. You know what I'm saying? Just calling them out.

Okay. Chad Dixon, everybody. Hell yeah, Chad. Thank you. My goodness gracious. Welcome to the show, Chad. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been in Austin for two years. I did it before COVID. I don't know. Everyone has their starting date. They're like October 20th. I don't really know. A ballpark? I'd say three. Three years. Okay. All of it here in Austin. Two in Austin. Where'd you move from?

Syracuse, New York. Whoa. Upstate New York explains a lot about the lack of punchlines in your material. We had the whole process. Bad audiences. Who's the best comedian out of upstate New York ever? Rick James has been called on the field. John Deese has nominated Rick James as the funniest comedian. Chad, what do you do for work? What exactly type of inspections do you do for a living?

You seem like an inspector. I do no inspecting, actually. I'm an eighth grade science teacher. Whoa. Not with that mustache. Yeah. Do they know you come from a long line of faggots? Because you said gay lords. All right, fuck. Happy king. That's what it means. Happy king. You know what I'm saying? You look like you sniffed the seats at Chuck E. Cheese.

Is that really what I look like? Do I look like I sniffed this? Low key. Yeah. All right. Not now. That's fair. Yeah, you do have some pedophile energies. Do you like teach one of the, let me guess, you coach one of the girls sports at the school that you teach science at? Am I correct? Soccer. I teach the girls volleyball too. No, I don't. This is what I do after work. What? What?

I do open mic comedy after work. I don't... No extracurricular activities for you? Zero. You're not the... Anything? A lot of school teachers, 8th grade science teachers, for example, will be the softball coach or something like that? Yeah, we've got like two sports teams, so I think they're pretty well covered. They've got like rifle and they've got... You watch them with binoculars from out of your window? Okay. Chad, what do you do for fun? How old are you?

How old do you think I am? 72. 38. 33, so I'm glad 38. That seemed like a real guess. 33, whatever. I gave an actual guess for those of you that might have missed it, everybody. He wanted to genuinely be right about this on a comedy show. Five years, plus or minus. We teach about plus or minus five in science. You know, that's kind of the thing. Error. So when she's like, I'm only 15, you're like... Aw, hell no.

Hey, hey, got that. Big pedophile crowd here. Big. It wasn't until you got on the stage. It's a mustache, dog. Yeah. He look like he glued nerds candy on his asshole to attract his type. It's standing apart. Nerds and turds. Nerds and turds.

I mean, I tried to dress up. I don't know what else to wear. Do you always dress like that? Do you always dress like a guy that has a few beers all by himself at the end of an empty bar? I mean... Kind of like this. I would go to that bar. If these were the worst people, I would go to that bar. Okay. All right. No problem.

No problems here. I don't know where we're hanging out. You've seen the show, right? I have. I love it. Chad, what do you do for fun? Other than open mics and stand-up comedy and teaching eighth grade, you seem like you're good at something, like roller skating. You'd be abnormally good at roller skating or skating backwards while seamlessly turning and stuff. I have a feeling you're really good at something. I bet I'm good at everything I do. Maybe we could all... Okay, you let the jokes about comedy, but...

What? Okay. You're good at everything that you do. The question was, what is it that you do? All right. Well, I mean, it changes. It changes. I've been getting into swimming lately. I mean, is that... In 15-year-old pussy. Yeah. Kim has decided you are officially a pedophile. I'm sorry, dude. Thank you for that. Appreciate that. Thank you. Ha ha.

So swimming, what kind of swimming are you doing? We're going to Barton Springs. We're freestyling. Whoa. We're going for about two minutes hard and then about eight minutes of survival. Hard because there was a 15-year-old there. This is fun. Yeah. No, it is. This is your 15 minutes of fame. Whoa. What do we got for that one?

15 minutes more like pedophile am I right way to take the ball and run with it like you do when you're at a playground with 15 year olds that chase you back to your bed just lean into it you gotta lean into it this is my path now guys we had a clean rap sheet before this but hey it is incredible it is incredible what kind of car do you drive

2018 4Runner, and that was after I've had multiple vehicles stolen from Austin. Give it up to Austin police not finding those vehicles. What vehicles were stolen exactly? One of your dates leave on one of your big wheels? Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. They've got something for that. He do look like Pee Wee Herman in A.A.

Oh, boy. Do we still want to know the vehicles? Does anyone care really about my vehicle? Yeah, what are the vehicles? We want to know. First vehicle I ever bought, Jeep Wrangler. A Barbie Jeep Wrangler. Yeah. The Jeep ain't the only thing. That ain't the only... All right, what else? A Jeep Wrangler. Uh...

And then a vehicle my girlfriend hurt, our Tacoma got stolen. So big, big Toyota crowd. So I hit pretty hard here. I know. How about a Voyager? Any Voyagers? I don't know what a Voyager is. I don't. I had a Hyundai Accent for a while. It's a van. Whoa. No, he's like, no.

Do you know why everybody thinks you're a pedophile? If you had to guess, why would you guess? Why would you guess that that is the running joke on you? Should I talk my shirt in? Should I untalk it? Damn, look who's about to get some 28-year-old pussy tonight. If you count two 14-year-olds as 28, am I right? Still a pedophile. Still a pedophile.

Chad Dixon. Kids. Dixon. Chad Dixon. You get it? Little girls. Ha ha ha ha.

Take the mustache off, Chad. Let's see if that helps. How many of you think you should take off his mustache? Thank you. All right. Chad, fun times. You're a pedophile. We love you. I'll tell you what. The set was terrible, but I like the way that you handled the interview so much. Chad, look over here. Look over here. I like the way you handled the interview so much that I'm going to give you a real Texas leather joke book by the great Bonesaw. Hell yeah. I can tell there's...

I look in those eyes and I see there's something there. And what is there? A pedophile! There he goes. You're gonna leave with a gel blaster. Now let me remind you, the people that you shoot with this, make sure they're wearing goggles at the time. He looked like when he'd get hard, his dick point to the nearest 10-year-old. He puts the compass.

I think 45 jokes was enough about the whole panel. I think we've... There he goes, everybody. Oh, we're just kidding around. Yeah. We kid. We're like you. We kid. There he goes. Chad Dixon. Chad Dixon, everybody. Kim said it. Kim said it. There he goes, everybody. He's leaving. Chad Dixon. Chad Dixon comedy, everybody.

All right, what are we doing? We started late, right? All right, we have another golden ticket winner. We're gonna fly through it real quick. This guy, famously from Houston, Texas, moved to Austin, Texas, got a job working at a Buc-ee's. This is a brand new minute from Enrique Chacon, everybody. Here he is. Yo, yo, yo, what's up, motherfuckers? Yeah!

Hell yeah, man. I have a problem. I've been trying to look more like a man recently. So I've been wearing boots and buying shit at the tractor supplier. I even got a new haircut, man. And honestly, I just ended up looking like Kim Jong-un's sister, bro.

Y'all keep laughing, and I'm gonna call my brother, bro. Everybody in this room is gonna starve. My girl's 6'1", half black, half white, right? I'm 5'7" with heels on. I swear to God, it feels like I'm strengthening my bloodline up in this bitch, dude. My kids won't know the pain of being 5'7", man. But if their dicks get bigger than mine, they're gonna know the pain of not having a father.

My girl took me to the black club for the first time and it was tight, man. A cool black dude approached me. He was like, hey man, that's all you. And I was like, yeah, that's all me. And he was like, man, can you handle all? And I couldn't. Because once the twerk music started playing, I didn't know what to do behind her. So I was just raising my hands up in the air. Later, somebody told me that I looked like the inflatable tube man at the club. Thank you.

Enrique Chacon. Appreciate you. With his adorable energies. Self-deprecation. Unbelievable. You did it again. Kim Congdon, what do you think about this sweet boy? You're fucking amazing. You look like Carbloads Mencia. What the fuck? Damn. You look like your mom's only fan is Hurricane Maria. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's because my mom gets wet. Hell yeah. Make some noise for Kim's mom's wet pussy. Oh.

That's right. I put that so I could send it to her. Kim came out of that thing like it was a water slide at six feet. No, I like Roy Z. O'Donnell. Fuck, dude. You are adorable, Enrique. You are something else. How's life been going for you? Tell us about it. Pretty good, Tony. I finally got health insurance, bro. Absolutely. Thank you, dog. Look at this.

What the fuck I'm talking about, man? I can finally get some glasses, man. Hell yeah, man. What are you doing with your health insurance? Glasses? I'm gonna get a physical finally, dude. A physical? Holy shit. I got bad news for you, dude. You're not gonna be happy. You're sweating right now. That is not good for a physical. It's dope, Tony. Having that insurance card, it almost makes me feel like a citizen, man. This motherfucker get heartburned, they gotta call the fire department.

Fuck, Javar. Fuck you, Javar. How a fat nigga wearing skinny jeans? This is crazy. Man, shut up. That is a thing. You look like a high-topic security guard. Shut the fuck up. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Give him a bite of your burger. Give him a bite of your burger. Hell yeah.

He's been eyeballing it since he got up here. He deserves it. It's the only way I could kill him. I can't do it with jokes. His voice sounds like he's talking through a walkie-talkie real loud. It looks like breathing makes him run out of breath. Got some hoes, bro. I'm going to buy me a fucking Peloton after this.

I love it. I mean, incredible. What type of exercise do you do? What is the most... You're watching it. It is incredible. He's wiping sweat from his face. He's not old enough to be this sweaty at all. I feel like a Baptist preacher right now, bro. Fucking...

I gotta do what I gotta do. How old are you, Enrique? Oh, I just turned 27. 27 years old. And as, I mean, obviously very high blood pressure.

And there is a lot going on here. 27, you're adorable. You're super likable. But, I mean, it seems like you're in terrible shape. Literally, I'm going to go back to, again, what type of working out do you do in real life? What's the most that you do? Is it really coming up these stairs at the mothership? No.

What is it? It's partly that. So recently I rescued two goats, right? You know, from the slaughterhouse. You rescued two goats from the slaughterhouse? Two goats from the slaughterhouse, bro. Okay. He likes them tartar. You wrestled two goats at a what? The slaughterhouse. I rescued them, two of them, you know, they're beautiful goats. So I just, I think that's the most thing I do. I just like scoop their shit up, you know, tend to them, feed them.

The slo... What? Where do you keep these goats? I have a... So me and my girl got a big-ass property, right? So I was tired of doing yard work, Tony. I was, man. Uh-huh. So I decided to get some fucking goats, you know? And the goats eat the grass. They do everything. You see these fucking assholes, no? Yeah. Wow. Damn. God was at the front. You've been called the N-word by a black guy and an asshole by a Mexican tonight. Welcome to Austin. Welcome to Austin.

Welcome! You don't see that out in Fort Worth. So I picked up one of the goats, right? And before the guy gave it to me, he was like, man, I gotta let you know this goat is a hermaphrodite. And he was like, do you want him? And I was like, yeah, man, I don't want to sound homophobic, you know? Yeah. So I gotta she him at home. Damn. Wow. Incredible. What is it? What's it like?

Does it have balls, a vagina? What's going on? I don't know. I haven't molested it yet, bro. You want to know? We can do it together, Tony. Hell yeah. It's a throat goat. Hell yeah. Not bad. All right. Stupid. Stupid. Had to do it. Damn. Enrique. Wow. So how's work at Bucky's going? Everybody knows you work at Bucky's. Sometimes you're the mascot.

Oh, actually, not anymore. You're looking at the new cigarette manager at Bucky's, dog. Whoa, you got bumped up. That's all I do, count cigarettes. Hell yeah. Talk to representatives, bro. I love it. Gets my blood pressure going, dude. Yeah, absolutely. Making the big bucks. I love it. And that's a big raise, right? Oh, yeah, it's a bigger raise. Amazing.

Hence the health insurance. Oh, that's how you got it. Incredible. Use the health insurance, Enrique. Use it. Cash in on that. I am telling you, maybe we're going to have the same primary care position, dude. You never know. What? I think he's dying right now. You are sweating profusely. I've never seen a wet front before. I'm done. I'm done.

It's not a slur if you make it up yourself. I'm also with Kim's mom, you know? Yes. Yes. All right. Yep. He look like he stutter like this. Ba-da-pa-pa-pa. Goddamn. Absolutely. Goddamn, you got me again. You guys keep making fun of me.

I love it. What were you doing at a slaughterhouse? And I think it's pronounced waffle house. All right. He was writing bad jokes. He was getting beat up by Rocky, nigga, when he was training for Cooper Lang. Rocky Road, maybe. Damn. All right. Enrique, you're adorable. We love you. Golden ticket winner from Houston. Now lives in Austin. Enrique Chacon. Have a good night.

Red Band wanted to end the show, but I pulled one more name out of the bucket. Is that okay? Your final bucket poll of the night. Let's see what happens here. 60 seconds uninterrupted. This looks like a new name to me. Let's all meet them together. John Stork, everybody. John Stork.

Oh, hell yeah. One more time for John Stork, everybody. Come on, your final bucket poll of the night. Kill Tony, giving anyone a chance at 60 seconds. Here he is, John Stork. I wasn't the most promising child scholastically. I remember thinking there was a letter in the alphabet called Elemento. For over 10 years, my main gig was being a busker.

For those of you who don't know, busker is a fancy word for street performer. And street performer is a fancy word for someone who never graduated from high school. I'm just playing. I never went to high school. I was homeschooled. Went to public school from kindergarten through fifth grade. Then my parents pulled me out because I was weird and didn't fit in. So homeschooling really helped with that.

Sometimes I wish my dad had just pulled out. Fuck yeah. John Stork, everybody. 60 seconds. And then some. I love it. That was very funny. Thank you. How's it going? How long have you been doing stand-up? About two years, solidly, now. Two years.

Preparing to be a stay-at-home husband, I guess. A stay-at-home husband. What type of street performing were you doing? I did an act with acrobatics and fire and handstands. Wow. That kind of jazz. That sounds amazing. What made you stop that? Were you making good money? I was doing okay. I was living in Key West full-time, and this hippie kid came in named Benjamin and tried to do a fire show, and he lit himself on fire. Wow.

and a tourist lady too, and his response was to push her into the ocean, but she couldn't swim. Nobody died, but the city of Key West said no more fires. - Right. That sounds like an actual fire fest. Amazing. - I wasn't there that night. - What I would give for video of that. Light a lady on fire, throw her in the ocean, she can't swim. - Yup. - Damn. - Do you have video of that?

No. I don't know if anyone captured it. If it was captured, I think it was confiscated for legal purposes. Right. Incredible. And then after that, you went in disguise. You started dressing like the Babadook. Okay. Stay-at-home husband. This is really something that's happening? Where'd you meet this little lady at, and what kind of hula hoops of fire does she do for a living?

She sells insurance, so very different from what I was doing, but she was on vacation in Key West is how we met. Nice. And she was like, I want the Lucky Charms guy. She's like, I've always wanted to fuck the mascot of Notre Dame. He looked like a magician that only pulled heroin out the hat.

Nigga, what you want? I got everything. I got the fit and all shit. I got the lay shit. I don't know. Stay-at-home husband. And that's in Key West? That's where you live still? No, we live in San Antonio. No, that's where she was living. So that's where we moved. That's sad as fuck. I feel...

San Antonio, not a ton of art there. No, I was trying to busk on the pearl and they kicked me out. There was a guy earlier that tried to busk on a kid. You know what I mean? 15-year-old to be specific. He was trying to busk enough. Oh, D, shut up. D Madness in the motherfucking house giving a lot of funny commentary that you guys don't always get to hear. A lot of oh my gods. Sorry.

All right. So, John Stork, is there any chance you could do like a trick or something if you're such a busker? I mean, Elon Busk over here. You're in Austin now. Can we get some busking music? Do you guys know any good busking? Oh, hey. Oh, here we go. Oh, shit. Hey, let's fucking busk, baby. Whoa. Oh, shit. Wow.

Oh, my goodness. Very impressive. Jamar Neighbors has turned into the Baba Dark.

I'm live from Compton, California, and we're going to check in with our senior African-American correspondent. Oh, wait, he took the hat off. Hey, what's going on, man? I'm from Compton, California. Hey, what's going on? I'm from Compton, California. Jamar Malik, our neighbor is here. This nigga looked like he ripped his jeans trying to look for a vein. Going back to kill Tony. Back to you, Tony. And we are back in the studio. John, have you ever done any drugs? Well...

John, I like your style and I like it a lot. We're going to put a ribbon on this episode. You're going to leave here with a gel blaster and a big joke book. Congratulations. Sign up again sometime. Only an hour drive from San Antonio.

Make some noise for John Stork, everybody. There he goes. We got one last one up there. Leaving with a gel blaster, some Zippix toothpicks, and a Bones Eye Kill Tony joke book. And I'm telling you, these things get fucking cooler and cooler every week. It's actually unbelievable. Handcrafted by Bones Eye. They're available at killmerch.com, our unbelievably successful website.

merch store with a lot of cool shit on it, including the currently sold out, restocking Cam Patterson plain white tee that has a tiny red Kill Tony tag at the bottom left corner and comes with a free rock. Alright. You guys ready to put a ribbon on this show or what? How many of you have been fans of the show for a long time? Well, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

The man with the record for the most appearances all time on the show, the most interviews all time on the show. The one, the only, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Sarsaparilla Thrilla in Manila, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody.

I actually have some very exciting news. I've started a church. The good news is gay people are allowed. The bad news, they got it tied 25%.

Isn't it weird how every time I Google search Ron Paul, a SWAT team hog ties me and FedExes me to Guantanamo Bay? Three buddies went to check into a La Quinta Inn in Nashville this past week and ended up managing the hotel for hours after they discovered no one was working there. I actually have a confession. I was actually selling the employee Xanax bars out of room 217 and they all blacked out.

I ain't never gonna stop selling ZNS bars out of room 272. It has come out that comedian Hasan Minhaj has been lying about being the victim of racism for years to remain relevant. From a white girl dumping him in high school to people sending him anthrax. Now I'm starting to question whether he was actually raped by Russell Brand. Okay, that's my time. Thank God. One minute, nine seconds for the veteran comedian.

of not only the show, but obviously the Civil War, William Montgomery. Absolutely incredible. You did it again. Love the joke at the end, making fun of two comedians at once. Jamar and I started stand-up with Hasan Minhaj. Do you remember that? Yeah, he used to pull up at Marty's and shit. Marty's is a...

Yeah, it was barely a comedy club. It was really some dude's living room that really wanted, I don't know, what do you think? He inherited money or something like that? All I know is he raped bitches on that couch, and that wasn't good. He did? Marty? Probably. He remember Hasan Minhaj. I paid $5 to get raped on that couch. Yeah, I was there. I watched it. I jacked off to it on everything. I remember Hasan Minhaj. What do you remember about Hasan Minhaj, though? I'm curious. No, no, no, real shit, like,

Ayo, he was a hard worker. He did pull up with new jokes every time and shit like that. That's all I fucking remember. But he was a hard worker, so I'm fucked up about you shitting on him. Well, you're going to have to deal with that. And I... The saddest part is that we can clearly hear the microphone dropping.

And I have to, I just want to say something, though. Red Band, I know today is like your Christmas. It's National Cheeseburger Day. Oh, wow. Look at that. Unbelievable. Eat it, bitch! Pshh!

Not a damn chance. Wow. Red band using an inside inside reference. Shout out to not a damn chance burgers. One of our local favorites here in Austin, Texas. I actually, even though the owner keeps inviting my friends that visit from New York and LA to have to go to the place instead of bringing them here. It drives me absolutely crazy, but he does it. Shout out to Philip. Everybody who's here tonight. This is the kind of power I possess is to make my friends feel awkward about doing shit that annoys me on a show.

Yeah, card I use rarely, but when I do, very effective. Not a damn chance burgers is literally one of the best burgers in the world. Has to be. He's won multiple Michelin stars. If he gave Michelin stars in Austin, I think he would win one here, but you know what I found out? They don't do that. It's only in New York and LA. Isn't that right, Phillip?

More than those two, but not here. How about a hand for my friend Phillip? Literally one of the best chefs on planet Earth. Sushi by scratch. Restaurants. Best sushi in the world. It's the best sushi in the world. The burgers are so good that I think they're fucking too good. I sleep deeply after the burgers. I can't work after eating one of his burgers, so I have to eat it at the end of the night.

Tony, I actually-- you brought up Marty's. When I moved to L.A., I was doing the open mics at Marty's, and I remember one night, I was high as fuck on cocaine and I think Bud Ice's, and I held my breath in that place for two and a half fucking minutes. Yeah, that's just what I remember about Marty's. I held my breath two and a half minutes or-- well. I also remember you from the movie "Scary Movies" with the little hands. The nigga with the little hands. Trying to-- trying to-- 'Cause of my little hands.

Is there anything you want to say to Jamar after what he just said to you, William? No, I have to hold my tongue right now. I mean, I have to. No, man, because I got another one lined up, so it may be a good response to yours. Jamar. Roast God William Montgomery loading up right now. Famous for his incredible roast skills.

Oh, shit. There's the corpse of JonBenet Ramsey taking a pee break right now. I fucked her. I better be nice. Put a bra on, bitch. Holy shit. I saw your titty. Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness. Yikes. Keep your bitch in check, dude. What the fuck? Killer has to put a bra on, dude. What the fuck? That is true. And you should probably put one on as well, sir.

Incredible. William, what else is going on this week? Tell us about your actual life. Oh, man. What? Why are you already fucking laughing, you fucking idiot? I haven't even said anything. He's mad at who appears to be white Spike Lee sitting in the front row here. Spike your drink, Lee. William, what about you? What about your life? You just acknowledged a random person in the front row when I asked about you. Yeah.

Tony, I'm super excited about the end of the week. I'm finally going to the water park in between here and San Antonio. What is that place called? I can't. There's a Schlitterbahn. Finally going to Schlitterbahn.

But you're cancer. Like, like, aren't you not supposed to be in the sun? Red band bringing up skin cancer. Here we go. Comedy Lord Red Band bringing up Williams. I actually have to, I have to go back to the dermatologist. I think I have fucking skin cancer now right by my nose. Uh,

Why are you laughing, you fucking idiot? I'm not even kidding. So I hope I look really cool with a big scar on my face because I'm about to have a big scar when they have to remove it. So I've been dealing with that, Tony. I mean, I'm trying to have fun. I'm trying to have a really good time at Schlitterbahn at the end of the week. But all I can think about... Kim Congdon. I think you have comedy cancer. Whoa. Wait, that's a good thing, right? Kim taking a shot at one of the most beloved characters in the history of the show, the

This is incredible. This is the moment we've all been waiting for. William eyeballing her, looking her up and down. Anything can happen right now. I think you got cancer in your butt, bitch. What do you mean I can't roast people, Tony? And Jamar, I think you have cancer all over your skin, dude. What's going on? William Montgomery beard is red because he combed it with the comb he killed a prostitute with.

Okay, I guess my guests are done for the night. Your job here is done. You know, I've been hearing though on the road with you, Tony, that William's just been destroying every single one of your shows, though, like he's been like killing it. Yeah, he's yeah, he's one of the top young rising comedians in the world. We wouldn't have it any other way. You look like it retired.

Oh my goodness. Oh, look at the wheels turning over here. Oh my... You're like George Washington's toilet. Oh, Shamar. George Washington's toilet. Oh my God. All right.

William, tell us a little bit more before we get out of here. Let's put a ribbon on this. Tell us something that you're passionate about this week. Well, I did bring our sweet little dog here tonight. I've been really passionate about her. I've been getting on...

Reddit a bunch recently. I haven't been on the Kill Tony one in about two months because of all the fucking faggots on that. But other than that, I have been looking at a bunch of the Watch People Die subreddit. Man, I saw the worst one last night of these two pit bulls literally eating this man alive over in England somewhere. And you see all the other old people just kind of standing around trying to kick at the dog. But this guy's eating, getting eaten by a dog. And I'm just really excited about my dog being here tonight. So...

Someone was eating a dog. Yeah, I mean, the dog was eating a human? Yeah, two pit bulls were eating some old British man. Oh my goodness. I watched it over and over for about 30 minutes, and then I couldn't go to sleep, and I've been having nightmares, and it's just been a really rough week, Tony. I apologize, I'm not saying a lot. Jamar, stop taking your dogs to England. Okie dokie. Sorry. So much fun.

William, any last words? Anything that you're passionate about, perhaps? Anything you want to yell about? Yeah, I mean, I've been still listening to a bunch of True, the rap artist I've been listening to the past month a lot, so I just kind of want to end this with a Hootie Hoo! Hootie Hoo! Hootie Hoo!

Who do you have? I have a sweet little dog. It's been four months. It's been four months. William, just sing that. I got a sweet little dog yesterday. Yesterday. Yesterday.

I got a sweet little dog. What's the reverb? Yesterday. Yesterday. I got a sweet little dog.

♪ Yesterday ♪ ♪ Yesterday ♪ - All right. - Okay, thank you! William Montgomery, everybody. We did it again. Fun episode. New Year's Eve.

Rick Diaz versus Hans Kemp in a fucking arena. We figured that out here tonight. Golden Ticket versus Regular Ship. One of them will not be able to be on the show every time after New Year's Eve 2024.

The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in an amazing painting of Jamar Neighbors and Kim Congdon. Those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com. The local artist Chris Rogers has been painting over there all night. Cam Patterson. How about one more time for my guests? People that I've been doing stand-up with since they started. Jamar Neighbors. Anything you guys want to plug real quick? Jamar Neighbors.

Hey, watch Rod and Luther King Jr. on YouTube. That's my comedy special. Watch this full season two and one on Hulu and I'll be at Skank Fest the 28th through the 1st.

Started on Kill Tony. Was the first regular in the show's history. This girl was writing a new minute every week before anybody was watching over 10 years ago. Kim Congdon, everybody. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Check out my podcast, This Bitch with Sarah Weinshank, my solo podcast, The Kim Congdon Takeover, kimcongdon.com for show dates. Thank you, guys. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band, the great Michael Kinsella.

Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Deamer on the horns, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Pease on the keys, and the great D Madness on the bass guitar. We did it again. Another very, very fun episode. SunsetstripATX.com. Love you guys.

Yes, absolutely. Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Law Firm, Connect Mobile Health, Austin Security Guard Service, CM Smokehouse, and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. Live audience, thank you guys so much. We love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Some exclusive Kill Tony merch available on your way out if you want it. Thank y'all. We love you. Good night, everybody. Make some noise one more time for the mothership in yourselves. Let's get the fuck out of here.

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