#629 - RIC FLAIR - SHANE GILLIS - ARI SHAFFIR - MARK NORMAND - LUIS J GOMEZ - ZAC AMICO
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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. All our merch can be found for Kill Tony at KillMerch.com. Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.

And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called The Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Kill Tony Band, and the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at sunsetstripatx.com. And now a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, everybody. Kill Tony live from the HEB Center in Austin, Texas. Saturday, December 30th at 7 p.m. Just went on sale, and you have to trust me. Tickets are going lightning fast. It's absolutely unbelievable. These will be the first podcasts of Kill Tony ever in an arena. This is just...

two and a half, three times as big as the ACL Live Theater that we did for the 10-year anniversary. We've become an arena act. So check it out. It's going to be crazy. A lot of surprises, a lot of fun, unbelievable guests. It's a big production. This is our version of WrestleMania. Go to Ticketmaster.com. Look up Kill Tony. It's the one with tickets available. We're going back-to-back nights, the 30th and the 31st. HEB Center, live.

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I wanna hear you play that beat one more time. Get y'all on the key. I don't even know. I didn't clap with me, though. Y'all gonna clap with me? Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. One, two, three. Yeah!

Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hitchclap! Hey, Nina this time. Who's ready for the best Monday night of their lives? Hey!

Oh yeah, this is the fucking one. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Oh shit, we're here. Kill Tony, live from the mothership. What a fucking life this is. Unbelievable. Number one live podcast in the world brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Law Firm, Connect Mobile Health.

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New York, New York as well. TonyHinchClub.com for tickets. We'll see you soon. Hey, this is Red Band and my comedy club, The Sunset Strip in Austin, Texas is now open. The Kill Tony Band has two shows a month now. So come check out their music. And every Thursday we have The Secret Show. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Shows every night.

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Every single week, I have one or two, maybe three of the funniest, coolest guests on planet Earth on this show. I'm going to bring out one to start, and as the night goes on, more will come out. And the first human being that I'm bringing up is not just any normal human being at all. In fact, he is your favorite artist's favorite artist. He is your hero's hero.

Literally, a childhood dream of mine and probably every man in this room. And if it's not one of yours, then you're probably not a real fucking man in the first place. I present to you, team time champion of the world. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the nature boy, Rick Bland. Yeah!

Rick fucking Flair, ladies and gentlemen. This is the life. The legend, the nature boy, the necklaces, the Rolex, the sunglasses, the Gucci shoes. It's all real. He is here. One more time for the nature boy, Rick Flair.

Actually, alligator shoes. I love it. And Rolex wearing and diamond ring wearing. That really is. There are diamonds inside of the Rolex. Absolutely. Tomorrow morning, private jet flying. That's right. Rick said, take me out in Austin. Let's have some fun. He did. Holy shit. I don't think I've had a vodka cranberry in about 20 years.

But I said, I'll have what he's having. And I do believe we had about 17 vodka cranberries last night. Yeah, we did. And I've already had 12 of the day. We started at 2.30 p.m. and went all the way through. Yeah. And the only problem with all that shit is I went home alone. I mean, damn, not the nature boy. I mean...

Sympathy, please. But he didn't fall asleep a lot. What is... I did not fall asleep. I don't fall asleep. I just can't... What is the song the guy wrote, the country western guy? I can't do what I once did. What's his name? Toby. My good friend Toby Keith.

I can't do what I once did all night long, but I can do what I once did once. But it doesn't resemble the same. 74, kids. Give me a break. 74 years old. 16 times. My new gig is, in light of all, and this is a very serious comment, we've lost a lot of troopers.

This is like a Hall of Fame year this year for tragedy. Superstar Billy Graham, Aaron Sheik, Terry Funk, what else am I missing? Bray Wyatt. Bray Wyatt. Last week, Bray Wyatt. So, I mean, that is a sad thing to say, but we've lost a Hall of Fame to tragedy and age and health and everything else. So I'm very conscious about that. But you know what? I'm not changing my lifestyle.

Because, no, I'm not going to. I'm going to, like, chase you down. You can tell me no all night long, but I'll be up. And if you want evidence, I got a picture. No, seriously. Why would I slow down? We're dying to the left and to the right. Not tonight. After is the best medicine. We're going to add a few more years.

I brought some backup with me. There are comedians that are going to be trickling in joining this panel throughout the night. Let's start with a couple of my favorites from New York. Make some noise for Luis J. Gomez and Zac Amico, everybody. Hey, Luis J. Gomez, Zac Amico. Fuck yeah. Welcome. Get on in here. Make yourselves at home. I love it.

You guys know how it works. Everybody does. A bunch of comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. We're going to get through some of these names here tonight. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do it. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Since you're the man, is there any possibility I could have a cold beer? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Can we get Ric Flair a Lone Star up here? I don't get you right now in a Starbucks. That wasn't you last night.

Uh-uh, no, no, no. So why about a cold beer now? Let's do a bucket of beers up here for the great Ric Flair. I'm surprised we had to have him ask for that. That's incredible. Yoni's been having fun lately, so he's a little bit... You know the 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And then we interview them. We talk to them. We're going to find some talent here tonight. We're going to find a lot of non-talent here tonight. Well, we're going to find some talent for sure. Ric Flair is here. We're going to watch stand-up comedy. We're going to get it started. We have a regular on this show, Ric. He writes and performs a new 60 Seconds. I'm funny as shit. Yeah, you are. You are. We're going to get more from Ric Flair coming up right around the corner. You know what? Let's get some more panelists up here. I'm going to bring up some guests.

Make some noise for Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, and Ari Shaffir, everybody. Ari Shaffir. Mark Norman. Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim!

Ari Shaffir is here ladies and gentlemen the first of the Protect Our Parks guys. Did you come solo? Are they all here? Where are they? Why are they upstairs? Because they're pissing like f*cking faggots while I'm here entertaining you!

Ari Shaffir has arrived. I don't know if we're going to get to one bucket pool tonight, folks. This might be the first episode of Kill Tony that is just humans on a stage. This is the great Ari Shaffir. This is the nature boy, Ric Flair. So they went pee. All right.

Fucking wild. Ari, how you doing? How was the episode today? Pretty good. I don't have a fucking Modelo in front of me, though. Yeah, it's coming. There's a bucket, right? Oh, it's right by your feet. Right there. Nice. Ari, tell us more. What drugs did you guys do or what did you do today? Smelling salts? Mushrooms? Just booze and we sucked each other's dicks like real men. You know what I'm talking about? What's up, Austin? What's up, Austin?

Fucking awesome. I love it. Are they ready? We got eyes on our other guests. All right, ladies and gentlemen, Shane Gillis and Mark Norman. There we go. Shane, sit right there. Here, I'll put your bag right between us. It's perfect. Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh yeah. Welcome to one of the greatest sausage festivals ever put together in human history. The Last Supper of Sausage. Mark Norman, his special Don't Be Yourself on Netflix. Shane Gillis, special Netflix. Beautiful Dogs out tonight at midnight. His first Netflix special hour and he's with you.

This is the fucking crew. This is the dream team. Ari Shafir Jew, killing it on YouTube. Up to millions and millions and millions. What is it, eight, nine million? Something crazy. Huge amount of people. So this is it. Dream team. Everything is ready. You guys ready to watch 60 Seconds of stand-up comedy? Yeah.

And then our entire esteemed panel talks to us, talks to them and us all at the same time. It's crazy. Let's get it started with a regular. He writes and performs a brand new 60 Seconds every week. You know him. You love him. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kemp. What's up? Holy shit.

I love Texas because people in Texas, they don't give a fuck. If COVID was spread through farts, there'd be Texans walking around with their buttholes exposed. You're not going to put a muzzle on my butthole. It's a Texas butthole. I love Texas more than New York. New York is very similar to Asia. You know, we both shove Asians on subways. In New York, you guys just wait until after the train leaves. But yes, love Texas.

Love, uh, you know, being Asian. Very difficult to be Asian. A lot of black people make fun of us for having small penises. But at least when I have sex, it doesn't look like a poop coming out of a vagina. Thank you! Wow. A poop coming out of a vagina. Let's start with our poop out of a vagina specialist, Ari Shafir. Yeah.

I've shitted many vaginas. Can I just say, I assume he's not being challenged this week? He is not being challenged this week. But he is definitely almost without a doubt. Mark Norman? Can I just say that I like the Hawaiian shirt because that set reminded me of Maui. Because it sucked.

It was a tragedy, Hans. It was a tragedy. I mean, usually you're so funny. What the fuck just happened there? I don't know. I like those jokes. Maybe it's too... You've been getting some white pussy. Yeah. You're getting soft, dude. I... Getting comfortable, content with that white pussy. We

We have seen this before. He gets challenged. He fights for his life. 15 punchlines in 60 seconds almost every time. He crushes people that want to take his job from him. He gets challenged for his regular ship on the regular now. And then he has a really, really, really good set, so I don't challenge him the next week. And then he has a good set the next week, and then this happens. So now you're going to be challenged next week for your spot. Hans Kim, how

How does that make you feel? Good. Really? It does? You're excited about your life being on the line? It's not even just like a thing on a podcast. Your life will be over if you lose this. This is my only thing I have. Please don't take this away from me. It's not up to me. It's up to the audience. We always let the audience decide. Hey Hans, let's recreate this iconic photograph. Oh.

Rick Flair, you just watched one of our future stars, one of the regular people that have built a career on this show, have a really, really, really, really, really rough set. Do you have any words of advice? You're the GOAT. You've had a rough night of work before, right? I have, but I'm not that rough. LAUGHTER

Hans, you're in the position. Who do you think you're going to get challenged by next week? I apologize, sir. No, you don't have to apologize on this show. You're not a POW camp. That's the personal.

Hans Kim, you will be challenged next week. Prepare another great 60 seconds. Your life is on the line. You could no longer be a regular in seven days. I will, Tony. I owe you everything, and this is a big opportunity for me. This is even sadder. Jesus Christ, dude. Stop droppling, dude. Stand up for yourself. Spin this fucking face. Respect that shit. Woo! Woo!

I consider myself the ruckiest man. Hans Kim, next week you're challenged. I'm supporting you, I'm just telling the truth. Absolutely. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Hans Kim. There he goes, everybody. The show has begun. I pulled a name out of the bucket.

I'm gonna get another one on deck here. Let's do it. Your first comedian out of the bucket. That means anything can happen. We're gonna meet this person all together. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Daniel Shepard, everybody. Daniel Shepard, our first bucket poll of the night. I've been having a lot of makeup sex lately with myself.

I had to take a break from porn, but there was no point. That was my true calling. Nothing would work for me anymore, though. I had to try NoFap. I was at the point where I was looking at a lot of shit-covered feet and whatnot. It was the only thing that got the ticker going, you know, guys? But you know what's better than porn is the bra section at Walmart.

The new iPhones these days, you can just crop the fat girl out really easily. Save it for later. Plenty of fat girl advertisements at Target, especially like the big plus size mannequins. Yeah, I feel like, yeah. Come with me to Target sometime. Oh, yeah. Fat chicks. 60 seconds. Jesus Christ. I'm stupid. Better than last time.

There it is. That's a minute right there. That's how long. It's not good when you say 60 seconds. Woof at 43 seconds. Better than last time. What the fuck happened last time? I'm glad you don't remember. Oh yeah, I got kicked off stage. Oh you did? Why? What did you do? I guess I was like being a dick and talking too much. Oh yeah, I could see how that would be.

Alright. How long have you been doing stand-up, Daniel Shepard? I'm on my fourth year now. Fourth year? Holy shit, dude. Why are you doing this? Still haven't mastered the minute. Year four, you're like, God damn, this is a long set.

Ten seconds a year. Wow. Daniel, what's like the funniest thing you've ever said or done in your entire life? The joke that I did last time was my Netflix joke about my aunt. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Trust me. That ain't it.

My aunt actually got murdered and I would do the Netflix joke about seeing her on there. Four years of being a stand-up comedian, you said that this 45 seconds and then breathing heavily afterwards was your best minute on the show.

And I asked you what the funniest thing you've ever said or done in your entire life was, and you're going back to this Netflix joke that you did the first time that was worse than this one? No, I fumbled it pretty badly last time, I will say, but that was one of my old reliables. Okay, let's hear it. How many of you think we should hear his old reliable joke? Woo!

Four years in the game. I have another old reliable. No, no, no, no. Do the one that we're talking about. Do the stupid dead aunt. Okay. Dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt. Here it is. The old reliable joke that he can always count on that he flubbed last time. Here he is, Daniel Shepard. So I was Netflix and chilling with a girl one night. And all of a sudden my family was crying on TV because my aunt had been murdered 30 years ago.

I really fucked this joke up. But wait, you are reliable. Holy shit. You got bro. You got no sweat, but I wish I was your aunt. She's got more Netflix credits than I do, but she had to be on the confession killer.

Does he normally get left laughter now like at shows? Yeah, no, he does not. You're lying. You're lying, bro. Your forehead. You got an any forehead that is fucking David Lucas. Who killed your it? Um, illegal. It was your boring fucking set. If you watch the show, yeah,

I killed her reputation. I know it wasn't you, because whoever did it could kill. Let's go. He's got a dead fucking aunt. What a dumbass, dude. My aunt's alive, dude. My aunt fucking rules. I love my aunt. Daniel, what would we have to do to convince you to stop doing stand-up comedy here tonight?

How do we turn this into a retirement party for you? Because this is... It's a real retirement. Don't want some people. They don't... Did he fall asleep? Oh, sorry. No, he's on his phone. He's on his phone. He's like fun Joe Biden. He's scrolling...

It's literally... He's scrolling the Breitbart app. Deezers these days on their phone, am I right, guys? Shut up, Daniel. You're not part of this thing. We just saw one of the worst performances ever in the history of the show. Ric Flair, any advice for Daniel Shepard? Oh, fuck, that's Ric Flair. God damn it. Fuck. God damn it. Like you would have done good if you knew? No. No.

That would have been worse. God damn it. What'd he say? What'd you think? That was your dead aunt? There's something kinky about all your heroes denouncing you, though. You know? I mean, ugh. I'm getting off on this. Thank you. You're incredible. Thank you. Hey. No, no. Hey, guys. Guys. I didn't even mean to say woo that first time. I'm just inspired. Whoa. Whoa.

I want people to understand something. I'm here having fun, but as long as it's fun, it's fun. When it becomes something that I'm not comfortable with and saying something bad, I don't do that. And the minute it goes that way, I'm out of here. Like sideways as a pussy. No.

What's that? That was fun. That was fun. That's fun. That's fun. That was my turn to be humorous, but I will never, ever embarrass anybody or humiliate anybody. If that happens on this show, I'm out of here. You're not going to do that. We're going to do that for you. You're the good cop. Daniel just embarrassed himself. I'm not the good cop.

I respect these people. Do you guys get it? You shouldn't. You have paid my... You have paid... You have made me who I am today. I'm not here to fuck anybody up. I laugh. The minute someone says something disrespectful to me or to you, I'm out of here.

We're not going to be disrespectful to you. We will make fun of these people that sign up for the show. No, I'm in service. No, we make fun of them. No, you guys are so nice. Look at me. Why can't you accept the word you're nice people? Yeah, you know what? It's not... Do you know how many people are bullied and hurt by comments? No, you get it?

It's like a... Social media has made the world crazy. I probably should have sent you an episode to watch before we make fun of people. Thank you, Ric Flair. It's good. I don't make fun of people. You don't have to. I'm ready to leave in one minute, guys. No, don't leave. I love you. I am. Don't leave, Ric. No, hang on. You know why I'm uncomfortable with the format?

I appreciate the opportunity. No, come on, Rick. I will never, ever. Yo, you did so bad, Rick Flair. Damn, dude. Oh, my God. Hey, hey. Hey, there is no humor in the world that makes fun of people.

Guess what? I apologize. I'm not one of them. No, you're good. You don't have to. No, I'm not apologizing. I'm an unusually horrible golden man. I will have fun, but I won't make fun. Beautiful. We got you covered. We've had this happen before. Good cop back. You're the good cop.

Daniel Shepard is the bad comedian, and we are the bad cops. Daniel, unbelievable performance tonight. Best of luck to you in the future. There he goes, Daniel Shepard. Four years in the game. I mean, you can't even make it up. 45 seconds of material.

What a night. All right, another bucket pool coming at you. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Ben Williams, everybody. Make some noise for Ben Williams, everyone. Come on, one more time for Ben Williams, everybody. Here we go. Sorry, I'm doing my Miss McConnell impression.

I'm Ben Williams, man. I hope I'm funny. I know I'm ugly. I'm ugly, I'm broke, and would you guess I'm single? Now, I actually was in a relationship with a lady. She was 60 years old. You know?

Some things happen with you with a lady that's 60 years old. Like she's riding your dick and you hear her knees pop. She's asking you questions like, did you pee today? I swear, the first time we had sex, she got me $20 in a peppermint.

But you gotta leave her. She's asking you if you did your chores and shit. And I'm like, hey, no more vodka and sure for you, lady. I come from Galveston, and if you don't know where that's at, man, I like to say it's a mixture between the Gilligan's Island and the Walking Dead. Thank you, man. I'm Ben Williams. There you go. That was good. Ben Williams.

Absolutely incredible. Jokes. Amazing. Ben, welcome. First time on the show, correct? Yes, sir. Hell yeah. How long you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for about five months now. Five months. Already ten times funnier than a guy that's been doing it for four years. Unbelievable. I love it. I love the John Cena shirt. Is that because if you lean against a black wall, we can't see you? Yes. Yes, sir. You and the police.

What do you do for work, Ben? Oh, man, I've just been doing this, man, full time, man. For four months? No, not for four months. Ben is homeless. I've been here, yeah. For a solid month, I've been here. Since you quit your job as a receiver for the Minnesota Vikings? Oh, yeah. You weren't great in Captain Phillips. I'm the captain now. Oh, man.

Ben, you're so likable. Tell us more about you. What do you do for fun? What else are you into? Oh, I'm into music. I was actually a rapper before this. Oh, shit. Really? Let's hear a bar. Drop a bar, dog. Here we go. Giving us a little bit of a sample of his rap. This is the Kill Tony debut of Ben Williams, everybody. Hey, okay.

Okay. All right. Okay.

Wow, Ben Williams. One of those magical moments. Yeah. What's the name of that song? Is it... That's the hit new song. In a friendly way.

You got Lakers colors on. You're good, man. Oh, thank you, man. You a legend, Rick. Thank you. I appreciate that. My favorite wrestler. You're wearing the Lakers colors, brother. Yeah, man. That's my favorite team. Not LSU, thank God, because they got their ass kicked last night. Yeah! Yeah!

For sure. You're a Laker, brother. Yeah, man. That's my favorite team. Huh? That's my favorite team. How about LeBron? The greatest of all time. Sorry, guys. I know. Not going to argue. Not going to argue. I know Michael. I love him to death. But goddamn, LeBron is something actually, brother. Guys. 21 years in the league. And he refuses. He refuses. He refuses.

To get older. I love that because I do too. Ben, give me an answer here. Wildest night of your life sexually. You're here with the legend, Ric Flair. This is my second time asking you. The wildest time of my life, man, had to be with an older chick. She was 30, man. I was, at the time, I was probably 19. And she taught me things that I'll probably still know to this day. It was fucking crazy. Like what? What?

What you're saying is that... Oh, that was my first time. That was my first time doing... You had premature ejaculation. Yeah. What did she teach you, man? That was my first time doing anal. Yeah. Oh. What'd you say? And my first time experiencing a squirtle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she...

And she was squirting out of her ass. That's not a good sign. Hey, has she ever been the same? No, I haven't been the same. I don't know. Oh, my God. What kind of a recto exam is that? Ben, you're getting a big joke book. Congratulations. You did it. Here you go. It's coming at you, Ben. Here it comes.

There it is. Ben Williamson making his, Ben Williams making his Kill Tony debut. On to the next one we go. We have a, is our golden ticket winner ready? Right? Yes? Are you checking on that? You're milking it. You're really milking it. Yes, absolutely. There you go. You're going that way, Ben. You keep milking it, though. Yep. There you go.

Okay. Is that a yes? Okay, perfect. Ladies and gentlemen, this person you're about to see, you haven't seen before unless you were here last week. This is the newest golden ticket winner of the Kill Tony Universe. His second time ever on the show. The first time the Protect Our Parks boys get to see him. Make some noise for Rick Diaz, everybody. Rick Diaz. Rick Diaz at 213, 219.

Alright, okay. I took the bus the other day and it was full. So I sat on a priority seat and nobody said anything. Yeah, that's it. I took an online personality test. I failed. Yeah. I look like Rick and Morty. When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend.

I called him "dad". I never asked for consent. I never asked for consent. I beg for consent. This one time after a show, a lady came up to me and she got really close to me and she whispered right in my ear, she whispered "I want to dominate you". And I was like "Lady, it's gonna happen organically?"

My safe word is yes. Thank you very much. Rick Diaz does it again. On brand. Self-deprecating. Welcome to the world of Rick Diaz, Ari Shaffir. As a UMD graduate, I love a fellow Terrapin. He said he looked like a turtle. That's what I'm saying. That was the joke, dumbasses. You got too heady on it? When I was a kid, I got bit by a turtle. I was slow.

This is what he does. Somehow he manages a way to... He responds in joke. That rules. Yes, he does. Did it all last week as well. It rules. Rick, how has your week been? You got here last week. You immediately got on the show. You won a golden ticket. So it's been a great first week in Austin.

It's been an amazing week. I've done a bunch of shows thanks to you, and I haven't made a single dollar, so... And that's why Tony is my Jew of the Week. Yes. Yes, indeed. I didn't give you money after the show on Friday? No. Really? Or that story later? Yes. I didn't hit you up. I thought I got you. I didn't? Hey, whoa. Oh, you definitely didn't. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa.

Don't feel bad. I got money for you. I got money for you. I'll tell my mom I don't feel bad. Let's see if that works. I don't know what happened. I'm sending the wire instructions tomorrow. Rick, what else this week before I let you go? Yeah, some friends took me hunting. Oh, yeah. As the bait. You are so funny. It is unbelievable. You have such an incredible, distinct voice of weakness.

That's what my mother says. You guys are a machine. He's a fucking machine. There he goes, Rick Diaz, everybody. Another great performance by Rick Diaz. Hell yeah. On to the next one we go. I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket pull. Guy Peart, everybody. P-E-A-R-T.

Guy Piazzi. Here he is. Here's Guy everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Guy. Before I get my set started, I like to rile everybody up. So if I can get all the white people in the crowd to repeat after me and say, ah. Everybody else repeat after me and say, ooh. That's segregation. I fucking love that shit.

My name really is Guy. My mom decided to name me Guy, so that's what everybody calls me now. They call me Guy. My friends, family, co-workers, everybody. Except my mom sometimes when she takes her pain pills and malt liquor, she really loves to call me gay. But no, I think it's pretty hard dating. I struggle with dating.

I've tried everything you're supposed to try my age. I've tried the dating apps. I've tried going out to the bars on the weekends. I've even, you know, tried getting an OnlyFans, but none of it seems to work, and I'm getting to that point to where I actually don't believe that there's anybody out there dumb enough to name their fucking daughter girl, because I would have married that bitch. All right, that's my time. All right. Definitely a lot of oohs and ahhs during that set. Fuck, huh? Yeah. Fuck. Son of a bitch. You had one...

You had one shot, dude. This was it. I know. I know. Guy, this is your first time on the show. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing it about three years. Where at? Fuck! I started in... Fuck. I started in New Orleans, and then when COVID hit, I moved up to Dallas, so... Okay. New Orleans, the home of Mark Norman. Worse than Katrina. Woo! Woo!

What made you pick Dallas as your next destination? I know, I know. No, I went through Katrina when I was six, actually. You what? I went through Hurricane Katrina when I was six. Okay, that's not the question I asked you at all. What made you move to Dallas? He wanted to blend in with the big D-minus.

All right. Okay. I was in the National Guard for six years, and I didn't get the COVID vaccine, so they kicked me out, and I just started over in Dallas. What made you pick Dallas?

Well, I got into being a stockbroker when they sent me home from the army. I had $300 to my name. So I traded in the stock market and I made about $10,000 and I just kind of got a new start in Dallas. Okay. Wait, wait. Now I'm interested. What did you do exactly? So, okay. So you had $300. Yeah. And you got $10,000. All right, let's talk. Get him a chair real quick. If I say anything more, I'm going to have to charge you for financial advice, Ari. Oh!

Whoa. That's fighting words for a Jew. This is like the Wolfstein of Wall Street over here. This is incredible. Guy, what do you do for fun? You seem like a real bag of vanilla dough. Yeah, I'm a real big bag of vanilla dough. I'm a wrestling coach for a high school in Dallas, and I do jiu-jitsu as well. Okay. I'm thinking if I could just commentate on one of these upcoming stage performances,

cage fights, I could, you know, kind of be like Joe Rogan. Yeah, you totally have the personality for it. Ugh. Yeah. No, it's great. Have you ever commentated on anything before? No, no, I haven't commentated on anything before and based on how this is going. Oh my God, this is so fucking boring. Holy shit. Ric Flair, can you please tell us a story? A little bit of a...

You are here with Ric Flair. You are a wrestling coach. How does it feel to have a performance like that in front of Ric Flair? Fuck! No, hey. Actually, to be honest with you, I respect that very much. My son was a great amateur wrestler.

And um, this is why I'm gonna make this This is why, come here guys This is why I'm leaving after I say this No, no, no, stop, stop, no, no No, no I have more respect for people that take their time to support any youthful athletic event My son was a great amateur wrestler

He died of a heroin overdose in 2013. I don't hear that. I'm over that. But anybody that could take time away from their life to support kids and make them better, because I can tell you right now, from personal experience, and because I believe it in my heart. You ever had Asian pussy? Pssst!

I guess that's funny. What are the ages of the people that you're coaching, Guy? It's high school age, so ninth grade. Rick, don't leave. Are you really leaving, Rick? Don't do it. Thank you for all the respect. We lost Rick Flair, everybody. I love you, Rick. Thanks for doing this. I'll see you afterwards. No, you're good. You're good. We love you. Make some noise for Rick Flair, everybody. Come on. Thank you all for all the respect.

I will never sign up to make fun of people that donate their time. I won't. I swear to God, I respect you all and thank you for coming out. I can have fun, but I will never make fun of time of people that donate their personal time to making children better. Rick Flair, everybody. The legend. The nature boy.

Come here Shane. Get your sweet ass over here. Come on. The great Ric Flair. Can you make sure he gets wherever he needs to be. Yeah. Which one of you motherfuckers played that music? It was, that was John Deese over there. That was the guy that was, that was the guy that was late. Which one of you monsters? Late.

Alright, okay, thank you. Sit down. Sit the fuck down. Jesus Christ. Tony, Ric Flair has a point. This show is demeaning. It really is. It really is. I tried to warn him. I warned him. I warned him seven beers ago, which was the problem. I should have warned him right before. The nature boy, there's no nature in either.

You need to go next, motherfucker. I got one minute. I got one minute. I'm working on hard. This show is chaos. Guy, what's the... What do you do for fun?

Tell us anything about you that's not boring. Give us something interesting that we would be surprised to know about you, guy. Yeah, I do jujitsu. We already know that guy. Jesus fucking Christ. There goes the black guy now, too. There we go. Everybody's slowly leaving. This is like a reverse Royal Rumble. There goes Ric Flair in the number one spot. A black athlete in the number two. Every 60 seconds, another person leaves.

We have a young Roman Reigns here ready to go at any point. Okay. Tony's mad at me. Come on up. No, I'm not. Let's not make that the theme. We have a format on this show. I wasn't making fun of Ric Flair that much. I feel like we were mild. No,

You're the one who ruined it. That's a fucking thing. I didn't ruin it. The piano guy ruined it. Piano guy definitely ruined it. Piano guy ruined it. Let's move forward. We move forward here. I'm the host. We're moving forward. That's a legend to mock him to his face like that awesomely. I don't lie. Yeah, he was just talking about his dead son. Oh my God. We are torching bridges here today.

I think that podcast is never going to be rescheduled at this pace. His son died in 2013 of being awesome. Okie dokie. Guy, you will always be known as the guy that was on this stage when Ric Flair left. There was a lot of moments where it almost happened. Good job, Guy.

Don't make a big deal about coaching kids in wrestling next time. That really fucked everything up. Here's a little joke book. There you go. Guy hurt everybody. Oh, my God. All right.

We're moving forward, onward, and upward. We have another regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen. This guy is an absolute fucking shooting star. Took over for David Lucas two months ago and somehow is making one of the biggest impacts in the history of the show. This is a new 60 Seconds from Cam Patterson, everybody. ♪♪

So my life been crazy, so I got a therapist. Thank you white women Thank y'all for inventing that shit. I really needed one. Uh, can you like just yell in the mirror like you a fuck nigga you gon' die that don't help. That don't help at all. Don't help at all. So I got a therapist but we don't get shit done cuz she pretty. So I just be lying to this bitch. Like she like what's your biggest problem? My dick too big. That's a

That's a big issue for me. What weighs down a lot? My dick weighs me down. That's pretty cool. You know how weird it is to put gas in a... It's real hard to put fucking gas in a Bugatti, bitch. You know what I'm saying? That's damn near impossible. There you go. Cam Patterson. Gas in a Bugatti. Shane? What are you, keeping rocks in your fucking brain, too? What?

You told him, Shay. Nigga, that shit hurt, bitch. My bad, my bad. You're the man. You're the man. You complain? Hey, wait a minute. Bring Ric Flair back. My feelings hurt, nigga. Like, bring Ric back. Nigga, I can feel it, bitch. You piece of shit. My bad, my bad, my bad. Nah, nah. I'm a robin, yo, bitch ass. Nigga. I'm playing. That's a joke. Jay, shut up. Compared to fucking Ric Flair, he sounds like Neil deGrasse Tyson up here. This nigga fat. What up? Ha, ha, ha.

Who let the fat nigga talk? No, what's going on, man? This is bullshit. I don't need roast people. That's all I got. What's up, nigga? How you doing? Hey, what's shaking? What's up? I can't believe it. We got one of the BLM looters here. This is nice. What'd you say, nigga? We got one of the BLM looters here. Nah, wrong answer. Dang. I'll get your hat.

Give me a hat. This is what? Whitest meet blackest. Blackest meet whitest. This is incredible. Let me get your hat. No, no, I don't think so. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Keeping the hat. Cam Patterson. Another new minute from Cam. Ari, this is your first time seeing Cam Patterson. Not my first time. It's my second time. Cam crushes it, man. I know his uncle. We've hung out. We've drank together. Oh, yeah. You're an employee here now? Yeah. That's fucking cool. Didn't know that until last night. That was fucking awesome. Yeah, it's dope. I fuck with it a lot. You look familiar. Oh, shit. She's not a guest. She's on his phone. Oh, my God. Very attractive. How you look? What's up, boyfriend?

Your dad's here to pick you up. Wait, she met you before. All right. Hey, I'm talking to bitches. Yeah. Let me talk to bitches right now, man. I want to talk to the hoes. Be patient, man. He's a cock blocker and an artery blocker, this fucking guy.

Hold on a second because I'm interested in this. Did you learn nothing from Ric Flair? We're nice to each other up here, cocksucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. She did agree that you guys have met. What were you about to say there? Put the mic in front of her mouth so it gets on the podcast. We met in Chicago. Whoa. Whoa.

You liked one of my friends. It wasn't me. Wow. She's not here. Who gives a fuck about her? I like both of you bitches. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You good? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I apologize. I'm good to see you. It's okay. Good to see you again. Hell yeah. You were at the Chicago Theater?

Unbelievable. Look at that. You were at the Chicago theater. What the fuck was he doing? He was seeing Hamilton. He was selling bootleg t-shirts outside of it. I was. He actually sells rocks after his show. Gets them at no cost. No actual rocks. Look at that. Oh, nice. Nice.

I want to throw it out to the crowd, but I feel like it's going to be a lawsuit. Yeah, don't do that. That's a good move. Just skip it off of three chicks' heads. This guy gets all the goddamn souvenirs. All right, Cam, anything else crazy happen this week before we get you up and out of here? What else is going on in this world? He tried to steal Mark Norman's hat. I did. I tried. Keep it to me. Keep in the hat.

Nice. I ain't been doing shit to stand up. You know what I'm saying? Trying to work on these new minutes and shit like that. I love it. Hell yeah. Okay. White bitches. Is that still a thing? Oh, yeah. I'm a little white bitches. Yep. Okay. In that case, everything is happening right on schedule. Okay. Thank you, Beetlejuice. I love that. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, we got a little back here. Come on. Save it in three times. Look out. Jesus fucking Christ.

All right. Cam, another fun minute. Congratulations. There you go. Cam Patterson, everybody. On to the next one we go. Back to the bucket holes. Back to the chaos. The machine is running and it's fully operational. Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Egan Robinson, everybody. Egan Robinson. Egan Robinson. Here he is. Egan, everybody. Egan Robinson.

together for Egan Robbins. Thank you. Thanks. So I get spine surgery last year. Just kind of a bummer. But I think the worst part about having had a spine surgery in my 20s is that now girls blow my back out during sex. You know? Like my leg will start shaking and she's like, did you just finish? No. That's my sciatica acting up. But I am done. Okay.

We're not continuing. I'm spasming. That's my safe phrase. But yeah, I've been dating. We got drinks with this girl recently. And afterwards, we went back to my place. What up? Eventually, we started making out. But in the middle of it, she cut me off to tell me, I just want you to know, I don't fuck on the first date. And so then I said, well, what about the last date? We're never...

Good to see each other again. There you go. 60 seconds of stand-up comedy from beginning to end from Egan Robinson. An actual performance. Unbelievable. How are you, Egan? I'm doing well. How are you? Fantastic. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four and a half years. Where at? I was in L.A. for four years, and then I moved here in April. Love it. What made you move here? I just...

I didn't like the scene in LA that much. Tell us why you didn't like it. A lot of these people that watch this show are diehard stand-up comedy fans. Not enough 90s grunge? Not enough 90s grunge. And then, just being where I'm at in my career, there weren't a lot of shows to get. It felt very transactional. You would only get booked on something if you had a TV credit. Did it feel like the world was a vampire? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it felt like a Smashing Pumpkins song. Did you spend a lot of time standing outside of a convenience store with your silent friend? I mean, two people talked at once during that. Did Jeremy speak in class today? I don't get that reference. Sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. What do you do for fun, Egan? Um...

Nothing that interesting. I mean, I watch anime, I work out, I read books. You watch anime and work out? You're just describing a school shooter.

Hey, you look like you're going to shoot up a frat. I was in one, but they got out without shooting anyone, so that's good. Hell yeah, bro. You watch anime and you work out. That is the weirdest fucking combination I've ever heard. It's weirdly like that's a lot of the guys you'll see in the gym now are like anime dorks that are also jacked.

Dude, you go to a gay gym. I do don't go to Gold's. You work out at a bathhouse. 24-hour shitness.

Ric Flair really fucked up the rhythm of this room. Jesus Christ. We can all agree now that it's gone, it's so much better now, isn't it? No. No, it's not. It was so much better when Ric Flair was here telling weird stories. Yes. Yes, it was. Ric Flair sucks. Ric Flair sucks. Okay.

Thank you guys. Come on! It's good. His son got out easy. I'm so disappointed in how much he sucks. I wanted to love him. I wanted to love him. We all wanted it. Everyone here was like, ah, fuck it, don't meet your heroes, you know? Hi, Lewis! This is the, uh...

on this podcast. Yippee! Egan, tell us something crazy about your life. It's about these people out of the bucket. Something crazy going on right now. I haven't come in 56 days. Whoa! Someone's about to fucking whatever a buffalo. I could explode. I could explode.

That was not a joke at your expense. So who's gonna shampoo a buffalo? You remember when Ric Flair... Oh, right, right, right. You ever had Asian pussy? No.

What is the purpose of this lack of cum? It's called semen retention. I've been retaining my semen. It's like my life energy, so I've been trying to conserve it. What a fag. Thank you. He wants more cum inside of him. I mean, I haven't... You gotta get that shit out. Lewis J. Gomez. I...

It's evil! Get it out! That is hilarious. You gotta get cum out of you at all times, dude. Cum inside is gay. It is pretty gay. I'm full of cum, technically. It is really gay. I mean, yeah. You have 57 days worth of cum inside of you. It is incredible. What are you planning on doing with all of this cum?

shooting it on a guy's back? Just, I don't know, just... I'm gonna keep going. I'm gonna keep retaining. Why? Just ad nauseum. Thank you. Yeah, thanks. Why? What's your point on that? I also recently been going to, like, going to church a lot more, and... Oh, no. Jesus Christ. You're saving it for them? So it's like, masturbation is like a sin, so I'm trying not to sin as much as I can. What kind of church? Catholic? I go to Catholic church, yeah. Oh, that's...

Let's go, dude. Fuck all you motherfucking Greeks. How dare you cast stones at my man right now. How dare you, dude. He's following the fucking light, dude. The one true God. Catholic God. Catholic God, you fucking southern weird freaks. Real shit. Let's go, dude. Save that jizz, dude. God fucks that jizz.

Makes perfect sense. Jesus has been waiting to come for a long time, too. You guys keep talking like this, he might show up. And my guess is if he does, he'll be 24 beers deep and talk about how you're not allowed to make fun of people. That's what Micah did. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.

What did your god do today? God damn it. Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. He's the testifying, crucifying. Egan, congratulations. That was a good set. You're getting a big joke book from Bones Eye. You're getting a Joe Blaster. Egan, over here. Here it comes. Egan. There you go. Egan.

Egan, Egan, Egan. Wow. What did we learn today? Is that if you don't come for over 50 days, you can't catch anything. Pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys hanging in there, huh? Make some noise for your next bucket pull, Brendan McKamey. Brendan McKamey. You have to put your hands together. All these people wait all night for this. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.

I just got into e-commerce. I'm an OnlyFans manager for big bitches called Weight Watchers. All our proceeds go to their pantry. I think Lizzo should change her name to Big O. That bitch is fat as fuck. I see a lot of depressed lesbians. I have a solution. They just need some dick. I heard White Man Can't Jump is making a sequel.

It's rumored to be called "Black People Can't Swim." I noticed the one community that isn't going trans is the autistic community. Like, even the retards are smart enough not to cut their own fucking dicks off. That is a minute. That is a full minute from Brendan McKamey, everybody. Congratulations, Brendan.

Rock solid set. It's crazy. It's crazy the difference between you and the last guy is just the power of Christ. I mean the power of Christ. That's what we're all here for. You fell into the way of the darkness talking about retards cutting their dicks off, dude. Sinful, sinful shit, dude. This is Jesus' misbehaving son out here just trying to disappoint his father.

Brendan, how old are you? 22. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four months. Four months, 22. Look at that. One of the best sets of the night, the youngest of the night, and tied for the newest of the night. That's incredible, Brendan. You start here in Austin?

I actually work at the Addison Improv. I started there. Oh, nice. Yeah, great comedy club. Dude, four months, 22 years old. Those were really legitimately good jokes. You were fucking comfortable, dude. All these other guys were trembling up there. It was great. I'm really impressed, dude. That was legitimately dope. Definitely nervous as fuck. Very good.

Yeah, you're very good. You see it better than fucking Hans Kim? Yeah, fuck Hans Kim. Dude, he should challenge Hans Kim, dude. Way better than Hans Kim. Dude, fuck Hans Kim. This is the next guy. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans Kim. Fuck Hans

Two months. Okay, Brendan, what do you do for fun? What else other than stand-up comedy and working in Addison? Tweak for meth? No, I'm actually in recovery. I have like a year and five months. Nailed it. Okay.

Sure, you're about to move to Austin and relax. You're in five months, five months. What was your big drug year in five months? What's your big drug? Percocets. Percocets, you fucking fruit. That's the guy that routines has come. That's nuts.

Okay, let's do this one beat at a time here. How many Percocets did you get up to? How bad did it get? I was only taking like three a day. It wasn't that bad. The worst it ever got was 15 a day. Whoa! That's impressive. That was a fun fucking day though, right? Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah.

That was a good day, dude. 15 perks. The only part that I actually enjoyed was getting them and then doing them, driving home and listening to music. But other than that, it was shit. Yeah, that shit rules, dude. That's the best thing in the world. What's your perk playlist? These guys can do it. Uh...

This guy's gonna relapse you mentally right now. Yeah, anything by Juice WRLD. -Any by what? -Juice WRLD. Juicy WRLD? Juicy WRLD. Juicy WRLD. Juicy WRLD. You fuckin' old idiot. Wait, you listen to Juice WRLD and took Perksy? -Yes, sir. -That's very funny. I still see air shadows in my--

I can't replace you. I'm California sober. I still smoke. There you go. Oh, wow. Okay. There you go. I mean... I write this confidence. Yeah, this is... It's all happening right in front of our eyes right now. Nah, fuck that. I'm never going back. So what are you addicted to now, Brendan? What else? Uh...

Just a lot of open mics. I play Fortnite. I got a girlfriend. That kind of all sucks compared to Perks, right? Yeah. All that shit sounds shitty compared to Perks and Juice WRLD. Nah. Starting comedy was way better than the Perks. No way. Comedy sucks, dude. I wish I was doing Perks and listening to Juice WRLD right now. Fuck it. Who's got Perks in here? Me and Shane.

You and Shane are doing perks tonight. I've never done them, but I'll do them with you, dude. Wow. Fuck yeah. A year and five months down the drain. Thanks to Christian Shane Gillis here. Follower of God. I do love God, dude. Shut up. God invented perks.

That is true. On the eighth day. That's why he was sleeping, dude. He rusted. Brandon, tell us about this girlfriend. Where'd you find her at? So I actually worked at Hyena's Dallas Comic Club. And she worked at the place right next door. She worked at the movie theater.

Oh yes. The Angelica. You worked at the Mockingbird Lane Hyenas. Yeah. How long did you work there for? Like a year. Okay. What made you move to Addison Improv? I got fired.

What did you get fired for by the great Randy, the very famous club owner Randy, very famous in Dallas? So I relapsed, but I checked myself into a rehab or a mental or not mental institution, but like a place to get clean, a detox center. Yeah. And then I told my manager and he was like, OK, do your thing. And when I got out, I didn't have a job.

Oh, that's fucked up. Damn. That's cold. You can't relapse on Percocet anymore. You can still keep your job. Okay.

Fucking Democrats, dude. Yeah, it is. It's literally the most fireable offense. That's his version of the story. You know there was so much more to it. Right before he checked himself in, he stole $3,000 from his business. He kept stealing everybody's Percocet. That does bring up a great point. How did you acquire all these Percocets? And what was the worst thing you ever did to get some?

A hush goes over the crowd. Honestly, I didn't do anything bad. I was responsible and paid for my own drugs. I did this thing called Favor. Are you talking about the delivery driving app? So I did Favor.

That's not what I was expecting. I thought you were going to suck some dicks or something. You went to rehab, dude? You had to work in a job was the worst thing you've done? Yeah. Jesus Christ, dude. Ric Flair's son would be really disappointed in you right now. Oh, my God.

You son of a bitch. Take a Zippix toothpick and put it in your mouth and shut the fuck up, Luis De Gomez. Zippix toothpicks. Zip more, smoke less. His son died of heroin. That might be a good point, actually. You should try these Zippix toothpicks to keep you sober. Have some of those. That's a good thing. We have to give those out. They're coated with heroin. Hell yeah. Have you tried other drugs?

I did coke, but I didn't like it. You think coke? No, I said I did coke, but I didn't like it. Oh, you did coke. Okay. I had a little Xan phase. Okay. Show her a little Xan. I'm sorry, Grandma, but I did take Xans from you. I'm sorry. Is she here? No, no. Oh, all right. She's dead? Yeah, she walked off the podcast a half an hour ago. Shh.

There he is. Zack Amico. The Zack Amico Midnight Spook Show. Brendan, congratulations. You had a really good set. This is a big joke book from Boneside. You're leaving with a gel blaster official sponsor of Kill Tony. There goes Brendan McKamey, everybody. All right, well, here we go. On and on we go.

Big swings for your next bucket poll. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Avery Carpenter. Avery Carpenter. Here he is, Avery Carpenter. Alright, what's up? Man, I just had the weirdest interaction. I was taking a piss next door at the bar, and this guy next to me at the urinal, he looks over, he goes, "Hey man, that's a nice stream you got there. That's a strong stream. Must have got a big ol' wiener on you, huh?"

"What's got a big ol' hog on you, huh?" I was like, "Thanks, but no. It's uh... Secret is, I think it's just a tiny pee hole. Yeah. It's like a pressure washer down there, you know? I remember one time this girl asked me to pee on her. I was like, "Are you sure?" "It's gonna break skin." Yeah. If R. Kelly had my dick, he'd be in jail for war crimes. But like a minor one, you know?

Yeah, man, I've been trying to date. Dating's tough. This girl just told me I fuck like a youth pastor. I said, no way. My youth pastor used to tell me the same thing. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Avery Carpenter. Hey, Mark, how weird is it seeing someone do your cadence right to you? Yes! He did well. I love you, Mark. You can catch him streaming everywhere.

Avery Carpenter, your Kill Tony debut, right? Yep. First time. Thank you for having me. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. Two years. Where at? All here. All here. I'm from Atlanta, but I moved out here and started here pretty much. Oh, my God. Now I can't unhear the Mark Norman. Holy shit. Yeah, I know. I don't hear it. That's how I talk. I don't know. Hey, hey, hey. Comedy.

That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I talk. That's how I

Did I change it? Yeah. What'd you get fired for? Well, I just got fired from my other job. Man, don't y'all be hating when y'alls get fired. Try this. I got fired on Juneteenth. Uh-oh. Yeah. N-word? Yeah, I said, my black ass, you fucking... What the fuck? Hold on, give me one of these. Comedy. Comedy? I see it.

I love it. The Kill Tony debut of Shark Norman. Avery, what do you do for fun? You seem like a real fucking bore. Oh, what the hell? I have a crippling gambling addiction. Sports gambling. What type of sports are you gambling on? Football mainly. Baseball. Yeah. Okay. Are you good at it? Pretty sick. I'm okay. I'm about even. I don't lose money, but...

It's pretty good. Every gambler says yeah, I'm down right now, but hey, I'm going to win it back. What's your love life like? What kind of pillow did you draw something on that you sleep next to?

It's bad, as you can imagine. Yeah, it's not good. Do you guys have any advice, maybe? All right, never mind. Change everything. Okay. Do you go on dates? Yeah, sometimes. What was your last date like? I went on a date with this Latino chick. Latino? From what? Latino. It's right next, bigot. Very nervous.

How was she? Bad. Horrible. She, uh... Oh, racist. She... Met her. It was on Bumble. No means no. Also in Spanish. Bumble, I show up... I show up horrible teeth. Her teeth are just jagged. They're like shark's teeth. They're everywhere. Okay. And then what happened? And then we had sushi...

And we didn't connect and I drove her home and left. That was it. What was the last thing that you said to her? This is getting weird. I gotta rethink my whole image. You ever think about stabbing Mark?

So be the number one. No, I love Mark. Drinking his blood and consuming him. If you killed him, you'd be the most important thing in his entire life. Would I get his powers? Yeah, but you ever think about that? Like, if somebody you like, you're like, if I kill you, I'm the most important thing that ever happened to you. So I should kill you. You'd be the last part of his Wikipedia. Yeah.

Mark, would you put your hat and glasses on him real quick? No. Come on, Mark. No, no, no. I don't think that's going to do it. Well, it might. You guys are close. Am I that bad?

You're killing it. I love you. You got a great delivery. You're a big fan of Mark Norman. Yeah, sure. I'm a big fan of all you guys, honestly. That's cool. That's very good. But let's face it. Mark. Hold on. What's Lewis's middle initial? J. Wow. Damn. You get J for fucking juice layer, bitch. Whoa.

I thought you were going to say two words. It's two words, so it doesn't really make sense. What's the creepiest thing you've ever done, Avery? The creepiest thing? Yeah, come on. Just be honest with us for a second here. Did you kill the guy from two ago and change into another shirt? Okay, there you go. How about the question I asked you? Avery, creepiest thing about you or that you've ever done? One time I was in New Orleans and I look out my hotel window

There's a couple across. Is this one of Mark Norman stories? No. Okay, go ahead. There's a couple across in the other hotel and they're just having sex. I watched the whole thing. I watched for probably 20 minutes. That was me.

I watched the whole thing. But they wanted you to watch. That's why the window was open. Yeah, exactly. I think they wanted you to watch. That's not that creepy. That's what you were supposed to do. That's the shirt of a guy who watches people fuck in a hotel. That is true. It does. It looks like you just grabbed the curtains and wrapped them around you and walked out. New Balance is the official sneaker of a guy who watches people through a hotel. You guys both wearing New Balances? No, these are Car Hoos. They're what? They're Car Hoo. Car Hoo. Yeah, it's some...

Some European shit. Okie dokie. Avery, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. Fun times. Here you go. That's a medium joke book. Oh, there you go. That was your one chance. It goes to whoever in the audience gets it now, folks. There he goes. Here's another one. There you go. Shane Gillis. I'll be right back. Going P. Big man, small bladder. You guys having fun out there still? Yeah!

It's been a long night. Should we keep going? Yeah! Alright, we're gonna get our first female comedian up here. It took me a long time to pull for this, everybody. Put your hands together for the one and the only Stephanie Cargill, everybody.

She's from the inside, actually. I forgot to mention. Oh, this could be her right here. There's a little I next to their name. So it's one of your own people. Usually it's pretty interesting when they're on the inside. It means that they're here randomly. Usually a first-timer. Anything can happen. You get it. Make some noise for Stephanie Cargill, everybody. There she is. Come on in. It's all right.

Hey! Alright, man. Alright. Here we go. Well, I have six kids. Two of them are biological. The other four think that I'm Satan or just the bitch that's been fucking their dad for the last seven years. Yeah, I know. I mean, it is what it is, right? So, I am divorced. I married a red-headed man to have red-headed babies.

Nobody was more disappointed than me at the birth of my children. I had two normal pretty babies. So disappointed that I divorced him six months after the birth of my youngest. Yeah, I mean, you know. So I worked for an online boutique. I do a little bit of everything, shipping, receiving. So I got a new position. I was very excited to go home and tell him about my new position.

He got home, and I told him I get to be the new fit model. And he looked at me with the stupidest fucking look, and he said, why? You're not fit. So I had to explain to this 320-pound fat fuck of a man that I love very much that a fit model is basically somebody who tries on clothes. Okie dokie. Stephanie Cargill. Am I saying that right, or is it Gargill? Gargill or Cargill? Cargill. Cargill. Talk right into the tip of that mic, Stephanie. It's first time doing it. Yes.

What? I said it's pronounced gargoyle. Okay. This is the lady Ric Flair was going to fuck tonight. All right. Maybe. He said I'd be rich if he died on top of me. I think he would die if you were on top of him, Stephanie.

So let's talk about it. This is your first time trying stand-up comedy? It is. Absolutely. If you would have said fucking four years, I was going to blow my brains out. It was absolutely horrendous, even for a first-time appearance, but somehow you are still one of the funniest females in all of comedy right now. It is incredible. It's amazing. She's the marvelous Mrs. Meh. So let's get into it. What made you want to start here tonight? Well, um...

We just got into your show a little while back. I'm all about full experience all the way. So let's fucking do it. Okay. All right. Who's we? My boyfriend. Oh. Did he prepare a minute too? He actually did. Really? What's his name? Justin. Justin. Hedrick. Justin Hedrick. How much better do you think he'd be than you? He signed up under that name? Yes. Okay. You guys think we should get our boyfriend up here? Yeah.

- Mixed the noise, 60 seconds uninterrupted for Justin Hendrick, everybody. Let's see who's better tonight. Oh shit, look at this guy. Oh wow, he's a big boy. - Stay up here, Stephanie. Look at this sweet little brother-sister combination we have here. Here he is. Oh shit. - Here we go. - Justin Hendrick, everybody.

Alright, probably not gonna be much better than her. You can do it. I didn't realize how old 40 is until I got super excited the other day about a new flavor of Tums. I'm also not great with online dating. I got catfished three times by the same motherfucker. That Chris Hansen's a tricky bitch. My old age has also made me stubborn.

Like, if I go to shake your hand and I'm ready to dab and you want to shake... I'm just going to fucking do it. You're going to have to change your ways. Unless it's a black guy. I'm not fucking that up again. I've lost three drug dealers for shaking hands like a narc. Victoria's Secret has a Down syndrome model now. Won't be long before they spread off into the porn world. Titles like...

Face down. Ass up. Faces down. God damn it, I fucked it up. I fucked it up. I'm nervous. I'm super nervous. That's great. Justin, you did it. You killed for a minute. It's unbelievable. Super nervous.

Unbelievable. What a twist. You did everything right. You lowered the bar as soon as you got up here saying you're probably not going to do much better than her, which was absolutely fucking terrible. Yeah, terrible. And you tricked us all because you had stuff prepared. You just got let it out of your system. You seem like a natural entertainer. This is your first time? First time to even speak into a microphone. Wow.

Oh, man. David, that's your girlfriend or your wife? This is my old lady, yeah. Your lady. Do you think she was more proud of you or ashamed of herself? She's proud of me, I guarantee it. Okay.

She only did this, honestly, she only did it because we've seen the show so much and we know how it happens. Sometimes. She got me up here. Right. No doubt about it. It did work out. I'm proud of her for that. I'll say, you were great. You fucking killed it. You should never do this again. That was crazy. I mean, on a whole other level, that was fucking nuts. And,

I had more tags. I had more tags for the retarded. You fucked up your last joke. You were nervous. It was a funny joke. Even though you fucked it up, it was still a funny idea and it was all good. I thought you were fucking great, dude. Great stuff. Thank you. Let him hear it. Really funny. And also, also, you can do better than her. I got to be honest with you. Oh, come on. What are you kidding? She's one of the top fortune tellers in Austin. What are you talking about?

Dude, you're so fucking funny, and I just want to thank you both for wearing the outfits you're going to wear for your courtroom wedding. Same for you. You're looking good. I'm glad I'm not the fattest guy on stage, I gotta tell you. Don't forget, Red Van's here. He's fat. That's true.

Well, Shane left too, so. I love it. Did you say that you're 40 years old? I'm 40 years old. You're 40? Holy shit. You look younger than that Randy Moss kid. I look older. What about the black guy who said he was 30? You guys won't blow the fuck. I thought that guy was 80 years old. That was crazy. That was an old jazz musician. Why do you think you look older than 40? What happened in your life? What have you seen? Drugs. Drugs. What kind of drugs? Drugs early on.

What do you like? What kind of drugs? What's your drug of choice? I'll put it like this. I've never done crack. That's about it. All right. Okay. Everything else. Everything else. Percocets? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's pussy shit. You asked him the worst thing he ever did for Percocets or for drugs. What's the worst you ever did? Well, I robbed a drug dealer with a BB gun multiple times. That's the worst thing? I thought you were going to say her. That's the best thing. All right. All right.

She does things most people won't, so we're good. Oh, hey. Oh, my goodness. What do you mean? She does you? Well, plenty have. I have four kids, and she came in and accepted me, my kids. Yeah, but when you say she does things other women don't do, what are you talking about? I mean, we saw her eat ass for 60 seconds straight up here. Oh, my God.

What are you talking about when you say... Yep, that's it. Oh, that's it. There he is, Shane Gillis, everybody. Shane, how do you think this guy did? I actually was... I ate a cheeseburger in the green room. I was really strongly considering not coming back. You got enough guys out here. Yeah. But I saw it. You were killing everybody. All the comics in the green room were laughing at you and thought you were very funny.

Cold Stone Steve Austin everybody trying to figure out what to do with you did you only prepare a minute is that all that you have to your name

That I remembered enough to get through. I have a couple more that I did for last time. Fort Worth. Fort Worth, Texas. So this is a trip for you. Yeah, we're here for a couple days. We made the trip in January and signed up, didn't get on. But today you did. Today I did. I'll tell you what. Why don't you guys come back in five weeks, five weeks from today, and we'll throw you on the guest list for both of you. And come with another minute, and we'll see you in another minute in five weeks. Yeah.

Catch this. The Kill Tony debut of Stephanie Cargill and her future ex-husband Justin Hendrick, everybody. Well, this is one of the weirder episodes in a very fucking long time. Yeah!

Rick Flair. I think there's only one way to put a ribbon on an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and that is with the man who's done more new minutes than anybody ever in the history of the show. More interviews than anybody ever in the history of the show. You know him, the Vanilla Gorilla.

The Cerebral Assassin. The Memphis Strangler. The Big Red Machine. This is indeed William Montgomery. Oh, shit. Yeah, Ric Flair left because he didn't want to have to tangle with these two-inch salamanders.

And also, no shit, you were divorced, bitch. Oh, my God. What was going on with that woman? Happy Labor Day, ladies. Actually, sorry, I forget men can go into labor as well now. So happy Labor Day, boo! Global warming is a really big topic in Congress right now. The Republicans are in favor of it because they hope it will keep Mitch McConnell from freezing up again.

Mitch McConnell played golf with John Fetterman yesterday. They quit keeping score after multiple strokes. I mean, what's going on, America? Term limits? Age limits? What about stroke limits? There's a new hurricane developing in the mid-Atlantic called Hurricane Muhammad. Forecasters say it's hard to predict the storm's path, but you can expect it to hit tall buildings. Mostly of the twin variety. Okay.

It's my time. Thank you all so much. William lights out Montgomery. William, I'm really sorry about Jenny Buffett, dude. Well, thank you. Yeah, I've been a parent had for fucking 20 years now. I mean, I pretty much grew up in the faith, so it was sad when he left this earth a couple days ago. Just have a beard off already.

Well, he won't. And also, Ari, you were so sweet to suck on my penis last time. That is true. We had our first sucked penis. I have not forgotten it, buddy. Neither have I. Oh, my God. What are you doing after the show? I think we found out who's been selling everybody Percocets. Stay with me. Sometimes at night, I imagine that it was your real dick, dude.

Yeah, well, it wasn't, but maybe we can make that happen tonight. What did your parents say when they saw the episode with Ari sucking your dick? My mom said, William, I always knew you were a homosexual. It's fine. Why did you not come out to us earlier? So it was weird. It was a very weird conversation in the Montgomery household, and I had just recently watched Little Man with Marlon Wayans. What kind of surgery did they do on his ass?

He was like a little baby. Did you ever see that? Little Man? Yeah, Marlon Wayans is like this robber, but he's this little boy. I was just wondering. I asked my mom that when she's like, William, are you gay? And I was like, bitch, you ever seen Little Man? But yeah. What made you watch Little Man? I don't know. How did you end up watching an old Marlon Wayans movie like that? Looked it up. He thought it was going to be child pornography. Right.

He thought I was gonna be in child pornography. Shut the fuck up, dude! You've been throwing me off this whole fucking time. I've been watching your fucking scary ass sitting back there the whole time. Don't come at me tonight. Fucking, I swear to God I was gonna go after Ric Flair. So you don't fuck me up right now, dude. Fucking my ass off! Shut the fuck up!

He's an unstoppable force. Every time he yells something like that, the band goes along with him. It is absolutely incredible. He has that power. He literally has the power to control the band with his passion. Yeah, I mean, I discovered a little man on IMDb! It's a great movie website. IMDb! When you get really passionate, even the horn plays a little bit and everything.

Yeah, I ate this really good chocolate pie earlier. With some vanilla ice cream. Okay. Where'd you eat chocolate pie and vanilla ice cream at? At Perkins. I flew back to Memphis yesterday and I ate at Perkins and it's really good. I mean, it's as good as it's ever been. I highly recommend going to Perkins if you're in the Mid-South area.

Very interesting. So you went to Perkins last night, or you went to Memphis last night to go to Perkins? Yes. And then you went to Perkins today. And then I went last night, then I went today, then I honestly went twice earlier today. I got a couple different pies.

What else did you have at Perkins? What do you love about Perkins? Man, you know I love them cheeseburgers! Also, their pancakes are pretty good. They have pretty good fruit cups. I love their grits! And just a Coke or a Coca-Cola or something. They had a Coca-Cola? What the fuck is going on? Hold on, what are you talking about, Mark? Woo!

This is how it works! Oh, okay. You've been scaring me all night along with your fucking ass, dude. How am I supposed to perform? It's like a fucking circus up here! It is. It's like I'm in a Barnum and Bailey's right now. Uh-oh. What is happening? What have you set up? Something's happening.

We've never seen this before. This is very interesting. It seems as though he's put them into their own rhythm. He's holding it on. This is like when Mario gets a star in Super Mario World or something like that. It's the William Montgomery version of turboing up right now.

We've never seen this. For those of you just listening to the podcast, he's staring the audience in the eyes while slowly, a slight bounce. I'm looking at you, man! Oh, shit. Oh, no.

That's it. That's fucking it. Wow, that was terrifying. What was that song called, William? That's what plays in his head at Perkins. Was that cowboy music? Was that cowboy music? Well, I know it's not going to be Four Horsemen. No, it's not cowboy music! It's called dance music.

It's a dance and music. Yeah, dancing music. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. All right. William, anything else before we let you go? I also saw a movie called Bubble Boy this past week. Tell us about Bubble Boy. That's a good one. Yeah, he lives in the bubble. Tell us about Bubble Boy. Yes, it's horrible kidney disease. And can they turn it funny?

No, they're pretty much looking for somebody with the right blood type. They're in this weird, like, Jamaican country or something, and they're looking for this antidote, something about his blood, and they're looking, and this guy's just in a bubble the whole time, and it gets really badly sunburned because the sun just shines in through that bubble, and he's looking for a kidney, and he can't find that kidney, but you don't know till the very end if he finds a kidney or not, and this whole time...

He's in this bubble getting sunburned. We gotta get Ric Flair back. Yeah. Look, any bubble that respects the youth and takes care of boys or girls of any kind, I won't take part of a show that insults that. I don't know what the fuck we're doing here, but I'm about to leave. I'm about to leave.

If there's one thing you know about Eric Flair, he does not make fun of people who donate their time. It is pretty wild. That's the one thing you know about Rick Flair. The whole show is making fun of people who are donating their time. And his son died of heroin. Okay, that has nothing to do with anything, William. I didn't know that. I didn't realize his son died. Fucking Christ. What does that have to do with anything? It doesn't have anything to do with anything.

anything to do with anything. He just became this very sympathetic character to me. Before that, I was like, he's really drunk, and then that happened, and it's like, damn, your son died. I feel like my saying wouldn't be, woo, if my son had died of heroin. Okay, that was before. Woo. That was before. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo.

Hopefully he's not still here. Is he hearing all this? 1,000%. He's right upstairs watching this. Oh, God. William, any last words? It's been so nice to be here tonight. Go to Perkins if y'all find yourself near a Perkins in the middle of the night. What should they order at Perkins? Tell these people. Some burgers and fries! What else? Some chocolate milk! What else? Some syrup! What else?

So spaghetti! Oh, shit. Shut up, bitch! Someone's yelling out their favorite dish at Perkins. What was it? Go ahead. No, it's crazy. What? Be louder. Oh, Jesus. Wow. We found a retard match. I love spaghetti. I love spaghetti. Jesus Christ. Oh, God. How are those ribs over there?

How the ribs over there are Perkins. They don't have ribs there. They don't. Oh, come on, Ari. Austin, Texas, dude. The greatest comedy scene in the world. It is true. Shane, why don't you tell them... Shane, why don't you tell them... What the fuck is that supposed to be? I like your shit. You know I like your shit. Don't make me fucking turn on you, dude.

Don't make me turn on your fucking ass. I don't live anywhere near a Perkins, dude. I'm on edge. Shane actually is moving here to Austin, Texas. Yeah.

Another one joins the fray. William was one of the first people to move here right alongside of everyone in early, early, early 2021. And now you make $40,000 a week on a cameo. A little fun fact. Cameo, cameo. I've married a couple of people this week. There were a couple of breakups. I had to put a dog down. I had to teach the person how to put a dog down. I said, put that motherfucker in a bag. Go to a fucking bridge.

Throw that motherfucker off the bridge. It's like a 30 minute cameo. So if you need me to kill anybody, I can walk you through how to maybe strangle somebody or... William Montgomery, we love you. Thank you so much. There you go, William Montgomery. We get it again. The show was absolutely insane. The drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt is in.

Zach Amico, The Zach Amico Midnight Spook Show. Louis J. Gomez, 30 Minutes with Louis J. Gomez. Ari Shafir, Jew, is out there on YouTube. On Netflix, Mark Norman, Don't Be Yourself. Killing it.

Shane Gillis at midnight. Beautiful dogs, everybody, on Netflix. You guys have homework to do. Every single one of you that's ever seen an episode of the show has to go click on it. Fucking let it roll. Get him his views. It's going to be good for comedy on Netflix. I'm excited that they fucking have hilarious people back on there again. And how about one more time for Ric Flair, who is probably...

Never coming back, never working with me, not answering my text messages ever again. We had one good day yesterday, we got drunk.

Maybe I should have told him a little bit more about the show. And I guess that one's on me. Guys, check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. We've got the Kill Tony Band twice a month now. The band plays. It's just the band. Yeah, the band. And every Thursday is the secret show. There you go. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? D-Madness on the bass. Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

matt mulling on the electric john b's on the keys paul deemer on the horns here's the drawing from chris rogers local artist what is it this week oh hans kim look at that

Huge announcement coming next week. The biggest announcement in the history of Kill Tony. The arena on New Year's Eve has sold out here in Austin, Texas. Another announcement coming next week. You can never possibly imagine what that announcement would be. But the arena on New Year's Eve is sold out. Announcement next week. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

One, two, three! Yeah! Just be for me. One, two, three! Let me be right! One, two! Let me be right! Let me be right! Let me be right! Get fired! Son of a gun!

Two, three, four. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Eight, nine, four, one. One, two, three. Woo, woo, woo. Live with me, right. Jet fire. Go to five. Live with me, right. Jet fire. Son of a gun. Give us a groove, Mikey. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.