#627 - ROSEANNE + DAVID KOECHNER
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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. All our merch can be found for Kill Tony at KillMerch.com. Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.

And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called The Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Kill Tony Band, and the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at sunsetstripatx.com. And now a brand new episode of Kill Tony. ♪♪

Hey, this is Redman coming to you from the dark, from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff. Who's ready for the best fucking Monday night of their lives, huh? Yippee, everybody. It's Redman, everyone. We do the show together for ten years and three months.

You're at the number one live podcast in the world, everybody. Kill Tony, brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, the Hull Law Firm, which will get you out of any DUI in Austin, Texas. ConnectMobileHealth.com, where you can get IV drips after you get that DUI. Ways to Well, which will get you on a straighter path from DUIs.

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Hey, this is Red Band and my comedy club, The Sunset Strip in Austin, Texas, is now open. The Kill Tony Band has two shows a month now, so come check out their music. And every Thursday, we have The Secret Show. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Shows every night.

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You know, every single week here in Austin, they said we couldn't do it here. They said, who are you going to book? If you move to Austin, who are you going to book? Why would you leave L.A.? And yet, I am convinced that almost every single episode here in Texas is better than anything we ever did in California. I tried to book two of the funniest people in the world, and goddamn,

Damn it, I did it again. Two of the greatest comedic minds of our times. Two of the greatest comedic actors. Two of the greatest comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you David Koechner and Roseanne Barr. David Koechner! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Roseanne motherfucking Barr! The Queen Bee! And King Koechner!

Fuck yes. Roseanne is back. One of the greatest comedians of all time, Roseanne Barr, ladies and gentlemen. First time Kill Tony guest David Koechner right here. Come on.

Roseanne with her new hit podcast, Roseanne World. New episodes dropping every Thursday. DavidKechner.com for tickets. He's on tour. Lexington, Kentucky. Pittsburgh, PA coming up. We have a lot of fun stuff in store. You guys know how it works. A bunch of comedians signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds in front of us in our esteemed panel. After the 60 seconds is up,

We find out more about them, talk to them. I interview them and we find out what's interesting about them. You know their 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which also moved here from LA. And that's the gist of it. You guys ready to start tonight's show?

I pre-pick a name. That one will end up on the edge, so we'll go with that. And while we go wrangle that person, I'm going to bring up your first regular of the night. I mean, an absolute swan song of a story this guy has had. Started here two and a half years ago, living in his van, and then he ended up making it. Now he sells out every single weekend on the road.

he might have a cocaine problem. He dates a girl way out of his league is the word on this street. And lately he's been getting challenged based on his performance. So his regular ship is always up on the line. If he has a rough set, that means the next week after that, uh,

He has to fight for his life. Have a 60-second competition against somebody else. This week is no competition because he did so good last week. So let's see if he can ride the momentum. You guys know how this song goes? You guys want to sing it? ♪♪

Thank you guys. My name is Hans Kim. I'm from New Jersey, so don't worry, Texas. I'm racist too. Yours is more the direct kind of racism. Ours is more tax-based. I love Arabic people, especially when they're in one piece. Sometimes I get a little piecey during historic moments these days.

I love black people. I just like keeping my possessions more. I love Mexicans. I love Home Depot. I think that's an amazing store. 'Cause everything you need to rob a Home Depot is in a Home Depot. If you're buying things at Home Depot, you're not thinking hard enough.

All right, that's my time. Thank you. Absolutely. Hans Kim with a new 60 seconds. Thank you, Tony. Oh, hello, Hans. Hello, Tony. What are you thanking me for? I'm thinking, I hope that was 60 seconds. No, I said, what are you thanking me for? Oh, thanking? Oh, just my entire career. Okay, perfect. Good. Just making sure we're on the same page. I loved the Home Depot joke. That was fun. Thank you, Tony.

Okay.

Take us through your process, Hans. When you're writing a new minute every week, where are you doing it? What's going on? Well, the Home Depot joke I wrote inside of a Home Depot. Funny how that happens, right? Yeah, I was like, man, there's so much. You could build so much stuff here. Like, you could even rob this place. I was building a little cat door for my girlfriend. Ah. A cat door so that the cat can go in and out? Yeah. Did she say that she wanted that or did you just do that yourself?

Hey, babe, I built you a cat door. Your cat's missing. Okay.

Okay. So you're a bit of an environmental comic, so you're influenced by wherever you're standing? Yeah. But the cat didn't make it into the bit this week. No, no cat jokes. Just overall racism, which was... That's fine. But nobody was spared. It was nice. It really was. It was very, very racist. Black people to keep your possessions warm, Arabic in one piece, and Mexican Home Depot joke. But you're challenging people to think, right? That's your point? Yeah, I want them to...

I want them to think about racism. Right, it's ironic, your presentation. At least if you're going to be racist, make it fun. I think you had another punchline and he stepped on it. I think it was a pussy joke on that cat door bit. Am I right? Yes. I knew it. I know how men think. It's all about cat doors and pussy. I knew it.

Roseanne Barr, live in the studio. I love that you were studied and offensive. That's good. It's non-PC. These motherfuckers need to be shook out of their comas. Thank you, Roseanne. You gotta put some Jew jokes in there, though. I tell you, you gotta get the Jews. Right? Am I right? It's just difficult. They're so litigious, the Jews. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

That can go right in there. You can mix that right in there. Hans, what else is going on this week? I've been having a great time with my girlfriend. I stayed in in Austin this week. Just did a bunch of shows at Brian Red Band's club. Thank you, Brian, for having me. Keep going. Come on, tell us something.

I'm hoping you get more spots. Thank you, Brian. Jesus, what a creep. What are you going to build him a fucking cat door? I did a meet and greet after the show and a very old lady grabbed my butt and I was going to grab her butt back but I was like, that's going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt her. That's true. You don't want to get me 92'd.

It's an elderly lady, folks. Elderly lady, me too jokes. All right. I love it. What else, Hans? Give us something good before we let you out of here. I've been playing a little game with my girlfriend called Rape. Well, you've covered all the bases. All the bases. No stone left unturned. He is a molestation away from a full bingo card here tonight.

So what is this game? She's agreed to let you rape her? David? Can anybody play? You're not in my white class.

So explain to us the rules of this game that you and your girlfriend created. So I was like, hey, you want to come cuddle? And she's like, no, because you're going to have sex with me. And I was like, come on. When are we going to have sex then? She's like, tomorrow. I was like, no, not tomorrow. And I started chasing her. Oh, wow. So there was really no rules written on this game. It was more of a not game. More of just a rape. Yeah, it was pretty realistic. Did she say...

The next part is... You all might be called to testify in the future. This is why we lock up phones, everybody. So let me ask you this, and I probably shouldn't because this answer is going to decide whether or not this entire segment gets edited out of the show.

But I'm still curious to know, did your girlfriend at any point of this game say the word no? Yeah. Oh, shit. All right.

How did she handle it afterwards? Were there any tears or anything like that? This is the number one live podcast in the world, people. You're in good hands. Don't worry. Ah! She won. She kept me away. Oh, she won the game of rape. Yeah. Right. Bear mace? Like, what are we talking about? David Koechner. Now we know why she wanted the cat door. Oh, my God.

Oh my god. It's for all the pussy to leave. Oh, okay. There you go. There you go. Hans.

Well, Hans, this is very interesting. The game of rape really, I think, saved your interview. How many of you guys think Hans did good enough to not have to be challenged for his spot next week? That's pretty much everybody in the room. Thank you. This guy with the bandana wants to see you burn. Thank you.

Hans, you're going to go challenge-less next week. My guess is you're going to be lazy and fucking come and stink it up, but we're going to let you off the hook anyway. This game actually has rules to it. But congratulations. Another fun new minute. The great and powerful Hans Kim, everybody. There he goes. I'm going to pre-pick another name, and I'm going to go with the first name that we picked. So...

This is out of the bucket. That means it could be anybody. It could be a first time. It could be a return of someone. It could be a crazy person. It could be the future. It could be a genius. It could be crazy. Anything can happen. 60 seconds and then an interview. We're going to meet them all together. Put your hands together for Jacob Cantor, everybody. Jacob Cantor, first tonight, out of the bucket, on Kill Tony. Thank you.

So my name is Jacob a little bit about me I'm an uber driver and I've discovered this whole population of people that I didn't know was very entertaining until just recently and that's MAGA Asians as in Asians that love Trump a little too much okay I picked up a MAGA Asian coming back from a George Strait concert all right I was like I was trying to get a tip so I was like I love Dwight Yoakam you know

And I was like, who do you like? And she was like, I don't like Garth Brooks. I used to like him, I don't like him anymore. And I was like, why don't you like Garth Brooks? And she said, and I quote, he performed at incest criminal Joe Biden inauguration. Joe Biden child molester criminal family.

And at this point, I knew I was getting a tip, 'cause I was like, "Build the wall, I hate Mexicans, "vaccines cause autism." And they're like, "I don't know if vaccines cause autism, "but my brother got vaccinated. "He learned the piano in like two days." I blacked out throughout the process. I was just spewing a lot of nonsense, but she said at one point, "Cunning fox Anthony Fauci slapped the Wuhan lab." Thank you, guys. - Jacob Cantor.

Welcome to the show. This is your first time, correct? Yes, sir. Absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Six years. Six years. Where at? I started in College Station, did some sets in Houston, graduated from college, went to Boston, was there, actually came back for a friend's wedding, got arrested with weed, probation, COVID, and then I moved to Dallas to do stand-up. Which you cannot eat three and a half grams of marijuana, at least in the time it takes for a cop to get to your window.

And that arrest was here in Texas? Yes, all three. Yeah, that makes sense. They don't like weed and they don't like boys that look like girls soccer players either. So you're in double trouble.

Jacob Cantor, welcome to the show. What do you do for a living? I'm a supervisor at Whole Foods in uptown Dallas. Oh, wow. 20% discount for all interested females. Oh, my goodness. Wow. So interesting. You're a lesbian. Very good. I love it. I love it.

Bet you put a lot of those cucumbers to use. Oh, yeah. I check them out all the time, and I just give them a little wink as they go by. Hell, yeah. You spell Whole Foods H-O-L-E. Yes, that's right. What year is it? Say again? I said, what year is it? It's 2023. Ah, wow. I thought I went back in time or something. Okay.

Do you always do impressions in your act? Yes. Because you're quite a dip. Yeah, sometimes. I like, we'll drop them for a little bit, but this joke kind of, it all came together. It called for it. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Because that's what she sounded like. Like, I'm not being a piece of shit. Right, you're not being racist at all. She sounded like that. Yeah. Yeah. You gave yourself license to do it. You set it up. You told us clearly. Right. More or less. Yeah, yeah. Was she Asian? She was very Asian. Oh, okay. Yeah, I was going to say, it'd be crazy if she wasn't Asian and that's just what you think women sound like. Yeah.

She was very Asian. Did you do a blood test? How could you tell? I mean, just look at the eyes. Right. So you're from America, I take it. East Texas. Yeah. Yeah.

I love it. So Whole Foods, Jacob, giving produce discounts to the ladies. What's your love life like, Jacob? Single. Very unfortunately single. How long have you been single for? A while. A few months. A few months? That's not that long. What's a few months? Hundreds and hundreds of them? A few hundred months. I've just been single for a little tiny touch my whole life. Roseanne? Do you do other dialects?

Other voices? That is a fucking great question, Roseanne Barr. I bet you do. Let's go through your entire racist impression. No, I'm just asking one, because I bet you can do another one, huh? Like another group of humans or like a person? Did you just call them humans? Like another group of humans. Are you talking about human beings? Yeah, human beings. I'm parched. Sorry. Okay.

Can you do Jews? Yeah. Are you a Jew? No, but my last name sounds Jewish, so I claim it sometimes. So you can't do a Jewish accent? I'm not a real Jew. No, I could do a Jewish accent. I don't know.

Let's hear it. All right, here he is. Come on, let's hear it. You might know him from his amazing Asian accent. It's kind of like the Asians. Here he is, Jacob Cantor. Is there any AC in this train? Oh, my goodness. So far, the show, 10 out of 10 on racism points tonight. David Kegner might have to cancel his flight back to Los Angeles.

You're a Texan now, David. Were you a conductor on that second piece? Because you're an Uber driver. Were you the train conductor the second time? No. And some customer's complaining to you? Yeah, I mean... I know it just got hot in there for them. In the train, it was really bad. For them? For them.

I always think of, like, I have a joke, like, it's like Jews in a train car is like Nordstrom Racks that you can shoplift from in Dallas. There's always room for one more. I'm sorry I'm doing this. I just, just a word of advice. I got Roseanne to laugh, yes. Just a word of advice. Never put Jews in a train car. I'm sorry. I enjoyed it. I did. Thank you.

You got two choices, laugh or cry. You know, cry, you cry alone like a stupid bitch. Laugh and everybody laughs with you. Roseanne Barr, my second mother. My sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet mother. Jacob, it's been a long time since you've had a girlfriend, it seems. How did the last relationship end?

I would say probably pretty negatively. I wouldn't even call it a relationship. It was just like a multi-week fling that left me probably hurt maybe a little bit. So how did a multi-week fling hurt you? Well, I don't know. It's just you like someone. It's okay. Tell us the real truth. It's all good. Just tell us what happened. Tell us the truth so we can laugh at it.

Roseanne, you weren't supposed to give away what we were going to do. So, no, I was romantically involved with this woman, and I had been on probation for those marijuana arrests. Ah, yes. And COVID, and I dove headfirst like an idiot and scared her away. She was moving anyway, so it wasn't that bad. I'm good. When you say you dove headfirst, give us an example of what you did.

I mean, I was just like, I just made sure that person knew that I liked them a lot. Can you give us an example of how you did that? I didn't do anything embarrassing. I did like probably cry. There's probably a crying phone call at one point. It was like complete gone dignity. I've been rebuilding ever since. Okay. Do you remember what you cried at? Probably like one day after she broke up with me, she was like posting pictures in a thong on Snapchat and I was like, okay, it's over.

Yeah, you can't follow girls you like on Snapchat. Let's be real, real. Let's be real, real. I asked this to all the guy comics. Did she beat your ass? No. She ever beat you in the game of rape? There's a few times I didn't want it.

Oh, wow. Truth comes out. Wasn't this just only a couple weeks you were with him? Because, you know, a lot of these young girls are beating the guy's ass these days, you know? Yeah, I know, yeah. It's the chemicals in the water.

That's what I think too. Jacob, let me ask you something. Is this really you? Are you like politically this way? Do you feel the way that you actually talk or do you do a different act when you're in like the Upper East Coast or something? No, I don't do a different act. My jokes are my jokes. You either like them or you don't. Right. No, but I'm saying politically. But that's not my point. This is just a recent joke that I really like that I wanted to do on Kill Tony.

I just started to hear your Texas accent for the first time when you were talking about how your jokes are your jokes. You're like pathological with jokes, huh? They come all the time. You can't stop them, right? Exactly. Yeah, I can see that. Is this a new relationship that's budding right now?

I think I'm seeing sparks. Maybe you can give Roseanne a ride home on your big wheel after this. I got pegs. I got pegs. Jacob Cantor, your first time on Kill Tony. I like your style. Here's a big joke book.

Great stuff. There he goes. Jacob Cantor, everyone. Jacob R. Cantor on Instagram. And like that, the show has begun. He leaves with a gel blaster and a big joke book from the great Bones Eye. The joke books are for sale at killmerch.com. I pulled another name out of the bucket. We're going to meet them all together now, just like we just did with Jacob. His name is Heath Wambolt, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted.

From Heath Wambled, everyone. Oh, shit. It's about to fucking go down. Heath, up there, buddy. Heath. I'm scared. Heath. Heath. I'm scared. Hold on. Heath. Over here, Heath. Go to the microphone. 60 seconds starting now for Heath Wambled.

Hi, how are you everybody? I've never done anything like this except for karaoke. I signed up at the mothership next door. I rode my Harley down here that's out front, that yellow-black one everybody probably saw. From Plainville, North Attleboro, Mass., which for a better geographical location is next to Foxborough, New England Patriot Country. Woo!

I figured down in Austin, you know. So I am riding to benefit Sergeant Travis Mills, quadruple amputee for the Army. He's got a place up in Rome, Maine for a veterans retreat, so my ride is to benefit him. If you look him up on GoFundMe, you'll see his page up there, and you'll see this mug with my Harley glasses, and out in front of the retreat in Rome, Maine, I brought my bike up in Laconia, and I'm trying to do something selfishly unselfish to...

Destroy the family court system because it is a horrible system. All right, Heath Wambled. I'm going to cut you off right there. A very special case of me only giving 60 seconds. I'll be the West Hollywood bear on this one. Holy shit, dude. Not a joke. You just came here to plug a fucking thing?

What's it for? Triple amputee? What did you say? Quadruple amputee. Apologies. He's a quadruple amputee. Got it. That was the answer to the question. Quadruple amputee and you're riding a motorcycle to raise money for him. So you're doing something that literally a quadruple amputee can't even do.

In order to raise money for a quadruple amputee. This quadruple amputee is a badass hero. Do you have a sidecar for this guy or anything? You're just calling him every day like, dude, had a great time. Another 2,000 miles today. How's bed? Unbelievable, Heath.

I mean, what a setup. Quadruple amputee, that's a kill Tony first. I've been waiting ten years and three months to do my quadruple amputee jokes, for Christ's sake.

Holy shit. I'm glad I could be here to service that. There you go. Absolutely. Look at you. I mean, you look like a guy that's riding a motorcycle across the country to raise money for a quadruple amputee. It is unbelievable. What do we got here? Okay, the work boots. You look like every member of the fucking...

and village people mash together. Hey, I'm a carpenter and a tree climber. There you go. You're a what? A carpenter and a tree climber. Okay. All right. You're a tree climber. Yeah, rope, saddle, chainsaws, hanging from cranes. Wow. Have you ever killed anybody? Who do you think he's chasing up the tree the whole time with a chainsaw? I love it. I should say how many.

I bet you killed a lot of people. Were you in the armed services yourself? Were you in the hairy armed services? Those are incredible.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right. Oh, my goodness. It's all here except for here. All right. I get it. So a tree climber, a motorcycle driver, a what else? A fundraiser. What else? Bass player for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Mr. Flea, the legend. Hey, Mr. Flea. Get him in the water.

It's me. Oh, you must be talking about Mr. Flea. I got my sock on. Don't you rock a sock like Mr. Flea rocks a sock? What?

Come on, everybody knows Red Hot Chili Peppers rocked the sock in the concert, right? I thought you said you have a shotgun. That's what I thought he said. You heard that too? I was like, all right, here's my cat of the converter. I'm giving it to you. I love it. So tell us more about your life, Heath. Terrible 60 seconds, but my guess is you're going to be the interview of the night. I, uh...

I have lived an amazing life. It's been a lot of fun. I found these... I only got the confidence to do anything like this because I was doing a remodel. Well, actually, the terrain race found these underwears from Hanes. Hold on. Let's slow it down a second. You were doing a pre-model? I...

A remodel. A remodel. I'm from Guilford, New Hampshire on Lake Winnipesaukee, so I was like trapped in this house alone like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Right, except on meth. He wasn't on meth in The Shining. No, unfortunately I've been sober for too long to do that again. Okay, what made you go sober?

I lost my family. Threw myself into a tree and now here I am 10 years later, rebuilt, reestablished, fighting the family court system, raising money for a quadruple amputee and our armed services. Okay, all right, Jesus Christ. Totally sober except for the doctor prescribed Adderall.

This is natural, believe it or not. When you say you threw yourself into a tree, you were driving a car at the time? Yes, sir. Okay, when you hit the tree, did you start climbing it immediately? No, but it did set me up one. That was my next drive into sobriety. Five months later, I was at Tree Check in Foxborough, Mass. What are the odds? One tree closes, another one opens. Oh, my God, Heath. What a character you fucking are. Listen, now, honestly,

Now, I want to know about these family courts you're trying, because I'm all up in that with you. Destroying the family courts, those dirty bastards. So my mom, my bike is named after my mom, Madonna Marie. Wait, you named your motorcycle after your mom? After my mama, yeah. That's so sweet. Wow. So my personality, being able to get up here and all that, comes from my mama. She was about 4'10", and she was just a spark of life. Her favorite part of life was...

The Boston accent they're picking on back there. Okay. Guys. Oh, guys. I mean, Michael. Jesus Christ. You think Heath isn't ADD if you had to guess? Is he not ADD? Okay. Heath, stick with this show up here. The musicians get a little rowdy sometimes. They got a big raise recently and started misbehaving immediately afterwards. Very backwards. There's no such thing as nervous energy, right? Okay.

Heath, stick with me up here. You're actually pretty good at this, by the way. You're getting better as time goes on. You're very comfortable up here. So let's talk about some interesting shit. The family court system. Okie dokie, Roseanne. Thank you. We're going to try to stay on some kind of track here. I got it. I promise, Roseanne.

So stick with me here, Heath. What are some things that you do that would surprise the people here? You've already talked about all the good deeds and everything, but let's talk about the dark side of Heath Wambolt for a second. In court, I'm a bit of a savage. I've called out the judge. I told her I was going to make her famous along with the lawyers. What do you wear to court? All right, so...

So I used to go looking like a lawyer, but I always have to wear my boots. Right. Because then I feel like I'm at work. But you're supposed to respect the system. Yeah. Until the system fucks you, and then fuck the system. Because we are the people, we are the government. You got it. So fuck them. Right? This is my fucking children. You're saying all of Roseanne's safe words tonight. I'm telling you.

I like Jews. Whoa. No one believes you. Hey, I'm part Jew, brother. Wait, what? If you're Christian, you're part Jew. That's right. How does that work without it? That's right. You have to be. If you're Christian, you've got to believe in Judaism. He's telling the truth. Amen. Amen.

I love her. Do you want to go for a ride on my bike, Miss Fuzzy? Wow. You know, back when I had any kind of womanhood in my body, I would have said yes. But, you know, they got me on the testosterone now. But I can help you feel like a 42-year-old woman again.

I'm 42, so I can help you feel like a 42-year-old. You're 42? You're 42? I'm 42. I'll be 43 in November. You're younger than my son. Oh, my God. You're only three years older than me.

That's fucked up, dude. What the fuck have you done? What have you seen? Where else did you ride your motorcycle through hell? Well, he says he got sober, so I guess he was all messed up on drugs and shit for a while. I love cocaine, but it's not real anymore. And that led one thing into the other with the drinking. And the drinking, that's just a demon. You talk a lot, don't you?

Nowadays, yeah. I used to be a shy boy. Yeah, I bet you do. You know you talk a lot when your best friend is a quadruple amputee. It's like you just can't get out of the situation. It's like, fuck. I've actually never got to be the one. What I would give for just one fucking leg right now so that I could get the fuck out of here. Ah!

I wish I lost my ears. So I never actually got to meet Sergeant Travis Mills. I just came up with the idea to raise money for him to promote my cause of the family court. So I figured if I could do something selfishly unselfish...

I would get noticed. Absolutely. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a full-grown sea monkey before? I got the gorilla patch for a reason. He's got a patch or a tattoo for everything that I've called him, by the way. You think I'm a sea monkey? That's a sea monkey.

I was part of the Sea Monkeys. It was a San Francisco motorcycle gang. And my daughter drew the tag. Okay. All right. There we go. You are every channel on fucking A&E smashed together. I love it. Every show on A&E. Channel. Fuck. 1980. We were legends, man.

What? I was born in 1980. We're legends. Okay. You hang out with other people from 1980 and talk about it? Yes, we do. All right. You haven't joined the club on Facebook yet or Instagram or any of the Twits or anything like that? I have no idea what you just said. What the fuck? You are such an interesting human being, Heath. I find it so annoying that you didn't prepare a single joke, but God damn it, I'm telling you. Well, that's where I was going with these boxer briefs.

You into nicotine at all? You use nicotine products of any kind ever? No, sir. Never, right? A lot of marijuana. My mouth is getting all cottony right now. Okay. I'm going to give you one of these small joke books with a nuclear bomb on the back. Thank you, sir. Appreciate it. Because you're a great interviewer. And what's the website where people can donate to the quadruple amputee? So it's under Staff Souser. Travis Mills on GoFundMe. You can find me, Mr. Heath Womble. Now, we're not giving you the money, you weirdo. We're talking about the quadruple amputee. Yes.

Come on. Donate money to the quadruple amputee. What's the website? It'll cost you an arm and a leg. He's got a commercial on Facebook. Follow Travis Mills on Facebook. Travis Mills. There's so many Travis Mills. You're the worst. Staff Sergeant Travis Mills and Staff Sergeant Travis Mills Foundation. Whatever. If you can decipher that, then you win. All right. There he goes. Heath Wambolt, everybody. There he goes. Thank you.

Come on, Heath. Get out of here. Stop touching people. Heath, get the fuck out of here. Get out of here. Jesus fucking Christ. I swear to God, he hugs one more person on this stage. He's going to be a quadruple. All right. Okay. I got, I pulled a name. Let's get this person up here. You guys, how many of you are really big fans of the show? All caught up in everything.

Then you are in for a special treat. This is our newest regular who's taken everything over by storm. I just put him in his first huge theaters this past weekend, and he destroyed in San Antonio, Texas, in the beautiful Chicago Theater in Chicago, Illinois. He is really, really, really special. Make some noise. A brand-new minute from the great Cam Patterson, everybody. ♪♪

What's up nigga, how y'all doing? That nigga was not 42 dawg. Ain't no fucking way. Like y'all know I bite people for real. And the only reason I bite people is because I got a little sister and she not, my little sister is 6'2", 280.

That's a big bitch, dog. You know what I'm saying? Like, when I was a little kid, she would always beat the fuck out of me, like, every day. You know what I'm saying? She would always beat me up. And my biggest fear is that she come in when they go, "Cameron, my boyfriend just hit me. Come do something about it."

And I was back home a couple weeks ago, and she called me, and she was like, "Cam, my boyfriend just hit. "I need you to come handle him." And I was like, "Bitch, call the police." I can't help you, you fucking slut. I can't help you. But that's my little sister, and I love her, so, you know what I'm saying? I went over there, right? I went to the house, and I was like, "Fuck, nigga." That's what I said. I'm scared. I'm like, "Fuck, nigga."

"How did you beat this bitch?" Thank y'all so much. - There you have it. Every single week, another brand new minute. Another unbelievable set. - White lady, white bitch. - Filling the room with charm and charisma. - What's up, light-skinned lady? What's up with you? - That is indeed a light-skinned lady.

You're always quick to find the light-skinned lady in the room. They the bestest, you know what I'm saying? The light-skinned are the bestest? I love it. You want to rock, bitch? She's about to get one. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, my goodness. Look how giggly she is. She's blushing. I didn't realize the ultimate pickup line was, you want to rock, bitch? Holy shit.

Cam Patterson taking over by Storm, rocking the brand new, I see the tag. That is the brand new Cam Patterson shirt going, selling quickly at killmerch.com. Comes with a free rock, I'm not kidding. Thank you.

Literally does. Out here making moves, making big fucking everythings. Biggest shows of your life this weekend. Tell us about it. Man, that shit was crazy. Like, you know what I'm saying? It was insane, bro. My dad came to the Chicago one. And after we like, this is some real shit, don't laugh. I'm being a real serious motherfucker right now. My dad came and I started crying. You know what I'm saying? Because it was a lot for me. You feel me? So thank you for that. Hell yeah. I love that. I love it. I love it.

Still a real nigga though. He was really crying because his dad took his paycheck that I gave him. I watched it happen. That's how it works. That's how it works in their culture.

I love it. It was amazing. You came out to a huge, huge, a huge pop. And the crowd went absolutely crazy. You were going up in the middle of these lineups. William was getting it started and then you. And I think they were really surprised to see you. But it's crazy because you've only been on this show for two months. It's crazy how literally famous you've gotten in such a short period of time. How else is that affecting your life? Oh, shit. I'm everywhere.

I've been fucking like crazy dog. I've just been fucking. Are you being careful? You taking precautions? God, my condom baby. God, your condom. God, my condom baby.

David Peckner. God intends to repopulate the world, so you might want to be careful. God puts holes in condoms. And we're in Texas, sir. We'll be fine. You're going to keep that baby. She wants to be the only one, though. She might want to be the only one. That's cool for right now. Cam has an amazing abortion policy. If a girl gets pregnant, he just throws a rock at her.

I'm going to stone that bitch, nigga. Gang violence has been called on the field. That is a 15-yard penalty to keep it down. The year is 2023. Am I right, sir? It's still... Yeah. Yep. We're doing it. So, Cam, what else is going on? Anything else we should know about? Your life is... Business is booming. When we met you, you were... What were you doing? You were a golf cart... Golf cart nigga. Right. Yeah.

That is correct. And then you are now a what? I'm a goddamn stare. I'm a kid Tony nigga. I'm a stare nigga. I work at the, you know what I'm saying? I just do a lot of shit with nigga in it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. A lot of nigga things. You know what I'm saying? Robbing people. You know what I'm saying? I'm a good person now. This is beautiful. I'm from the fucking light-skinned beats. I'm having a good time. Yeah. That's good. Yeah.

Roseanne Barr, you've seen Cam Patterson before, correct? Well, yeah. You told me you've got to watch this kid. Remember who was up there? Well, that was the other joint. And you go, hey, you've got to watch this kid. He has it. And so I went over and leaned over the balcony, and I told you this. I told you, oh, you do. You've got it, and you own the stage. You've got it all. And I love watching you. And you are here again tonight. Thank you. That means a lot to me. Thank you so much. Thank you. You're welcome.

Cam, it's pretty wild. You did your first two theaters this past weekend, and you did so good in Chicago that up on the rooftop bar that we were at afterwards, I confirm that you'll be on this weekend in Charlotte and Atlanta, Georgia. So it goes on and on. He's been added, literally added, even though I already have two openers full-time on the road. Everybody's doing...

shorter sets and I'm going with three openers just to blow people's fucking minds and give them the best show possible and you did that. That wasn't originally going to be my plan but you cemented yourself in that spot from doing so good. So congratulations and you did it again here again tonight. It's an unbelievable story folks. How loud can this place get for the future? Cam Patterson. Yeah. There you go. It goes on and on.

Can't understand how we last so long Okay pulled another name out of the bucket make some noise for Angelo Diona this is out of the bucket We're gonna meet them all together Angelo Diona Wow, I can't believe I'm here not because I got picked I flew spirit, so I can't believe I made it Spirit does things a little differently like the in-flight entertainment is only fans

I saw the tag hanging out one of the flight attendant uniforms. It was from Party City. They're limping down the aisle with the drink cart. It's disgusting. I asked one of them, "What do you guys have to drink?" She goes, "Hose water." I was like, "That sounds kind of good, actually. I could go for a hose water."

Nostalgic nostalgia! Most airlines, you hear the pilot make an announcement, it sounds like "boop!" We're starting our descent to Austin. On Spirit it sounds like "boop!" Hey, we better land this bitch. Thank you. Okay, Angelo Diona.

Okay. Welcome, Angelo. Thank you. You've got to be one of the funniest funeral directors we've ever had on the show. Incredible. Business is booming. Corpses coming in left and right. That's right. I love it. Okay. Welcome, Angelo. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. Okay. First time ever. There's the goat of the first time. Popping his cherry here.

in front of a million plus viewers and listeners. How does it feel? How do you think that it went? It went pretty good. I thought it was going to go pretty good. It went pretty good. Okay. You thought your expectations were set at pretty good, and you hit pretty good.

Okay. Did you really fly Spirit on your way here? I did, actually. Where did you fly in from? From L.A. From L.A.? Yeah. So you could have started in L.A. What made you fly all the way from the supposed entertainment capital of the world to Austin, Texas to start stand-up comedy here? Why would you do that when L.A. is such a big deal? Just a...

Go ahead, Angelo. Answer the question so that everyone can hear. I'm a big fan of the show. I just want to do something scary, and this seemed like the place to do it. If you wanted to do something scary, have you thought about turning the lights slightly down and looking at yourself in the mirror? That's you. That's his alarm clock and his phone ringer. Oh, whoa. You laughed into the microphone there, Angelo.

Do you have any dark special powers or do you just look like that? No, I just look like this. Okay. Do you ever have to like shave horns down or anything? Do they grow out? No. Okay. Do you ever sometimes wake up and next to your bed there's a pitchfork and you don't know why?

Perhaps you find yourself attracted to standing on the fire when you're near the campfire. Okay, I'm just doing it because David's laughing so hard. No one else in the room is even laughing, but I'm just going to keep doing devil jokes until he stops laughing. Here's a liquid death if you want that. Instead of thirster, the purified drinking water.

Oh, here's another one. So this is your first time ever doing stand-up at all? Yes, sir. You've never been in front of a crowd doing this at all? No. Wow, okay. That was pretty good. You actually knew what to do. You knew to take the mic out and start. Oh, yeah. Now, did you write this set on the way? Because you were clearly inspired by Spirit Airlines. No, I just knew I was going to fly Spirit. Okay. So you had weeks. I had a week. Okay. Okay.

What was your other, what was your original plan before the spirit ride? And we know that you do work with a lot of spirits. Hell yeah, Paul Diemer on the horns. Okay, so what was your original set going to be about before the plane ride from hell? It's funny, I used to work in a nursing home. Ah.

Yes. It was about the nursing home. Okay, tell us what was one of those jokes going to be. Let's see if you made the right choice. I didn't write the joke yet. It was just the story of this nursing home. How long did you work in the nursing home for? Two weeks. Two weeks? Oh boy, you just couldn't wait, could you? Just walked in, right, with a thick syringe. Ha ha ha!

They were on to you that quick, huh? So what happened? Why only two weeks? I was fired. For what? There's a machine that lifts people up out of a wheelchair and you can put them in bed. Like a quadruple amputee machine? That's actually what it's called. The old potato picker-upper? Ha ha!

I lifted a guy out of the wheelchair and it takes him like five feet in the air. I actually need one of these because I want to raise myself up when I do a bad joke. I think that might be what I need is a wheelchair picker-upper. Okay, go ahead. But I didn't know how to put it down, so I took him out of the wheelchair. Oh, and you just left him there? You shut off the lights and you left? What?

He was telling me a story as I had him over the bed. Uh-huh. And I couldn't get the button to lower him. Okay, okay. And then what happened? You can't get the button to work, so you fucked him. You got him lifted five feet up in the air. Perfect oral sex height for you. Right. It's called milking, remember? Yeah. And then he... What? What the fuck? Put your microphone away. You're weirdo.

Now finish what happened to him. He actually fell asleep while he was in the thing. Wow. And they're like horizontal. They look like the shittiest magician ever. Oh, yeah. He has risen. Right. And he fell asleep and I thought this is the perfect exit. So I walked out. Well...

Falling asleep is the best type of falling someone in that position can do. You gotta look at the positives there. So what did your boss say? She came to me and she said, you were the last with this. Hold on, we just lost Lenny Kravitz to cocaine addiction. There he goes. What? What?

She knew I was the last person to take him to his room, so she came to me after she walked into his room. So she took me to his room, and he was still up there asleep. So then I thought, I don't know how to lower it. I'm not a bad person. She knows how to lower it. She left him there to show me. To show you how fucked up what you did was. Right, but I didn't know how to lower it. You didn't ask anybody? You didn't think about calling a supervisor and going, hey, I'm having a little trouble finding the lower button here.

Nah. That's fucked up. Yeah, that is fucked up. That's really fucked up. So now we know, if we know you're this fucked up at work, tell us, Angelo, what type of fucked up shit do you do when you're not working? I play a lot of video games. I'm like ranked in Madden. I play online. Madden, huh? Oh my goodness. You know who else is Madden? The guy that you left up on a thing. He's mad and scared. Yeah.

Okay. Let's keep going. Your personal life. Video games are boring. Let's go. What else? What's your love life like? Is there any girls out there that you... Or boys or whatever you're into? It's girls, but no. How come? I'm busy. Too busy, huh? Too busy to do what we were put on the planet to do, huh?

Too busy playing Madden, huh? I think Cam's got it covered. Yeah, exactly. Luckily there's Cam making up for all the girls that you're too busy for, Angelo. All right, there you go. You did it, Angelo. Your first time ever on this show. You're leaving with a medium-sized joke book handcrafted by Bones Eye. There he goes, everybody. Angelo Diona. No, I don't believe this.

But maybe, who knows what gonna happen. I literally, I'm not fucking around. I don't think this is the actual person, but I'm gonna say the name anyway, out of the bucket. Make some noise for Alex Jones, everyone. Alex Jones. - What's up everybody? My name is Alex Jones. It fucking sucks. It is so bad. Imagine trying to get a loan.

Being named Alex Jones. I tried to coach my kids' football team. We're having it. But I don't have a ton in common with the actual Alex Jones, except for the fact I'm going through a vicious divorce right now. And the worst thing, my wife cheated on me, yada yada. And just like a lot of people, when I found out, I found out going through her phone. I was like, fuck, dude. Oh my god. She's texting Elliot. Who the fuck is...

Elliot's a trans man. Anybody that's keeping score, that's a girl that takes mustache fills. So anyway, I'm like, fuck dude, this is terrible. So what can I do? How can I reconcile this? Obviously, the marriage is over. It's horrible. I'm fucking destroyed. The only way I can get okay with this situation is if I fuck Elliot. Absolutely. Alex Jones. Yes, sir.

Hello, Alex. So that really is your name, huh? That is my name. And that's what you go by. Do you make dinner reservations under that name? It is wild. It is wild. Do you ever think about using a different name?

I've thought about it, but it feels fake. Right. You know, it's not me. Have you ever met the actual Alex Jones? I have not, but my mother has. What was your mother's relationship with Alex Jones? So my mom, she sent me a picture. I was like, oh shit, that's fucking Alex Jones. Wait.

Are they on the Capitol steps? Wait, what the fuck? Oh, wow.

My mom is Karen Jones. Oh, Karen Jones from the show. Oh my God. Legend of the game. Capital Stormer. Yes, yes, yes. And a huge fan of Roseanne. A record holder for one of the longest interviews in the history of the show at 26 Minutes. Karen Jones, who stormed the actual Capitol. Allegedly. Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly. It's okay. Roseanne was there. She led everybody at the...

Roseanne was the tour guide. All right, come on everybody, let's go! It's all right, I'm Roseanne, they'll let us in.

I love it. Okay, Alex Jones, the son of a woman that stormed the Capitol named Alex Jones. For those of you with your Republican bingo cards, you must be close at this point. This is unbelievable. So what do you do for work, Alex? So I was in sales my whole life, got really lucky, and I was an early employee at Zoom. And so I randomly...

All right, all right. That's enough. I fucking love it. It sounds like an unauthorized documentary to me. Yeah.

Is there a GoFundMe attached to this? No money, no money. We're going to end up suing him if he makes a penny. What are your thoughts on the family court system, sir? It's funny. I interviewed that guy right before the show and we got deep. I mean, obviously. I have pretty strong opinions. I'm just going through a divorce. Let's talk about this divorce. Hey, did your wife beat your ass? No. No.

No, no, not yet. Alex, let's talk about this divorce. Is what you said true? Is it true that your wife cheated with a trans man? Yeah, it's crazy. So tell us more. How did you find out Elliot was trans? Did you really fuck her? No, the goal is to eventually fuck her, to reconcile my feelings. You did fuck her?

No, no, no. He didn't. That's your goal. Yeah, yeah. That's my goal. Stick with me here, Alex Jones. How did you find out that Elliot was trans? You really went through your wife's... No, I mean, the second... Let's start even sooner. What made you go through your wife's phone in the first place? You had your suspicions? I mean, I think we all know.

We don't, or else I wouldn't have asked the question. Let's take this one step at a time. I'll ask the question, then you answer it. Yes, sir. Okay, what made you go through her phone in the first place? I had suspicions in general. I had a few dreams that she had cheated on me. Whoa, are you sure you're not the trans man? Holy shit.

So I found out because my fucking horoscope said so. I was looking at my minerals and I realized something's in retrograde. Is my wife cheating on me? Oh my goodness. Mom, I think my wife's cheating on me. Oh my goodness.

But yeah, I saw a text come through on a Friday night from Elliot. I knew who Elliot was because Elliot manages the bakery that we take our family to every Sunday. It's like a family tradition. The baker's giving your wife a yeast infection? That's incredible. That is unbelievable. Holy shit. Oh my goodness gracious. She was pumpering your nickel? No.

The baker was... Holy shit. So what do you get from this bakery? I mean, I know what your wife gets. She gets her cakes pounded, everybody. Oh, no. Hell yeah. That's a baker's dozen.

Oh, yeah. Tell us more. What would you go to the bakery for? We have three beautiful kids. We would order breakfast, coffee, the whole spread. Oh, yeah. But then also going through a credit card. Speaking of the whole spread, how's your ex-wife? Biscuits. Biscuits.

Biscuits has been called on the field. That is the word of the day. So if you look under your chair, you might find a ball. And if you have a ball, you just won $7 million. Biscuits has been said. People are scrambling around the room looking for their ball, for those of you listening to the podcast. Okay.

Okay. So, let me ask you this. Did Elliot the trans baker, can't make it up, do you think Elliot had the operation? Did she turn her vagina into what I call a quadruple amputee?

No, she did not. But she did remove her top half. Remove the top. So it's basically you with no dick. Yeah. No, like five to 103 pounds, little tiny thin mustache. Wow. So what do you think it is? Do you think your wife just wanted to be the big spoon for a change? Yeah, honestly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think honestly, she saw the Barbie movie.

And it was like, I knew it was over. I was like, fuck. You shut the fuck up. I swear to God. You shut the fuck up. I swear to fucking God. And that's not part of your fucking joke? I mean, it's my first time. That's the funniest thing you've said in seven minutes and 46 seconds. That's a good line. That is a good joke. The shit that's real is the good stuff.

So you're having dreams that she's cheating on you. She's fucking opening up to the baker a little bit more than usual, right? Trying to fill her donut holes and whatnot. Yep, yep, yep. And all of a sudden, you notice that she goes to see the Barbie movie twice. Yes, sir. And then that's when you fucking... And then I saw a text come through from Elliot, and boom, boom, boom. It was like the math. What was the text in which you knew, like...

She's fucking Elliot. Well, it was one of those things. Open the phone and there were hundreds and hundreds and hundreds. So I just searched my name and it was just like shit talking, laughing, fucking all the worst fucking thing. It was the craziest thing. I swear to God. So how long ago exactly did this happen? What happened? It happened.

I found out in March. And then, you know, we got kids. I'm trying to fix this shit, so we try. But Swiggy is having a seizure over there. Okay. Thank you, Swiggy. Relax over there, buddy. Thank you. There you go. So one could say this is relatively fresh. Yeah. It's a fresh baked story. It's hot and fresh. Hot and ready. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Have you been with a woman since...

your wife has left you in anyway. So, yes. Okay. I have. What did you do? You hooked up with a trans man. Yeah, no. No, what happened? I don't know. You know, you get crushed and then you immediately be like, oh, fuck, I suck. I'm like horrible. And they're like, wait, let me put myself out in the market and find out what happens. Get in a dating app.

Turns out there's a sea of divorced fucking 35-year-old nurses with three kids. So, like, my demographic, there was a lot to choose from. Right. Yeah. A lot. There's even a 42-year-old hairy dude in a motorcycle vest. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

There's a lot going on out there. No, but I met a great girl, you know, but yeah, I'm just starting to date a little bit and just try to like, you know, get through it. So how's dating going? It's been a long time for you? Is it a little awkward? You're out there just going, yeah, so my name's Alex Jones. It sucks. It sucks.

You just doing your material to these girls? No, no. I mean, it's going well. Yeah, it's fun. And yeah, I like to talk. And I always bring up Kill Tony and just like kind of the comedy scene because it is a fun thing that's going on. You seem like such a sweet, good man. I am. It's crazy. My goodness. What's like the toughest thing about you? What's like a manly thing about you, Alex Jones, other than your name?

I was captain of my college football team. Okay. But, I mean, so was Bruce Jenner. I mean, you know what I mean? Come on, you got to do better than that. Yeah, yeah, that's true. The toughest thing about me... Right now, the toughest thing about you. The toughest thing about me, I mean... Have you had your testosterone levels checked lately? Yeah, dude, I'm off the fucking charts. High? Yeah, high. Wow. Have you had your estrogen levels checked? Funny you should mention, I'm the new Guinness World Record holder for highest...

Bread man? We can give you some. We have a lot. Do you have a sponsor? Yeah. If your levels were off, we could hook you up with our friends over at Ways Too Well, the number two being in the middle. You're insisting that your testosterone is high.

I mean, I'm always willing to get a little higher. But no, I mean, it is, yeah. Okay, toughest thing about you right now. Let's talk about it. Yeah, I mean, the toughest thing is the shit I'm going through. Just like the mental toughness and the stuff you have to deal with. Like, we fucking told our kids on Sunday. Oh my God. You mean like yesterday or a week ago? Literally yesterday. Hold on. Yesterday. Fucking yesterday. So let me ask you this. Did you tell them that...

Mommy's leaving Daddy for the baker that's a trans man. Yeah. Did you say that? What'd you say? That was my next question. Well, no, so, you know, she's like, well, you know, we need to talk. Mommy and Daddy are getting divorced and blah, blah, blah. And while she's talking, I'm like behind her, I'm like, what the fuck? You know, they're like, why? Because my son, he gets it. He's smart. He's nine. He was like...

This is fucked up. No, go ahead. This is great. This is what we call a great podcast. Yeah, exactly. So, I mean, it sounded like he had a gun to his head begging for his life. Please don't do this. Please don't do this. Why are you doing this? Oh, no. Is he the oldest or the youngest? The oldest. Yeah, nine. So it's what? Nine, seven? Nine, five, and three, four, five. Oh, that whore.

Yeah, it really is. That is exactly what I have this down to. She's nothing but a dirty whore. I mean, if you're gonna leave a good guy for the trans baker, you gotta wait a bit if you have kids that young. You gotta let it roast in the oven a little longer. It's not your fault. You just chose the wrong person, a dirty whore.

And now she's an even dirtier whore. She's dirtier than ever right now. That's true. Because of the... Flour? Baked... Let's go potty. I was trying to think of... Yes. The flour. There's just white powder everywhere. And that's also... I do believe white powder is also what comes out of a trans woman's vagina when she comes to you. Let's go potty. Yeah, yeah.

Wow, this is a wild, wild story. Alex, this is your first time on the show, huh? Yes, sir. You know, the set was okay, but the interview, again, I find so amazing. You did so good, so honest, and we found some new jokes for you in there. That's what the show's all about. Alex Jones, ladies and gentlemen, his Kill Tony debut, the son of Karen Jones. Another name has been pulled out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there, huh? Yeah.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Kevin Willard, everybody. Here we go, 60 seconds for Kevin Willard. Yeah. One more time for Kevin Willard, everybody. Come on. Both of my parents are deaf, which is why they never heard my cries for help.

And as they often told me, their hearing aids don't pick up on little bitch frequencies. They would tell me that all the time. One fun thing about having deaf parents though is I could play a little trick. My dad and I would be in an argument. He'd be like, "What the fuck? You're failing out of high school." And I'd be like, "Okay, okay, I'll try harder, you fucking piece of shit, asshole." One time I did that, something weird happened though. He was yelling at me. I turned around. I was like, "Fuck you, piece of shit."

And he was like, "What was that?" I was like, "Uh-huh, I caught you, you fucking liar." Like, I thought I just caught him pretending to be deaf my whole life. And he was like, "No, no, no, there's a mirror behind you." "When you were turned around, I read your lips in the reflection." So I turned around. There was no mirror there. I turned back around. My dad was gone. That was the last time I saw my father. But I heard he was a good guy. I'm not really sure. Okay.

Kevin Willard. Welcome. You've been on this show before. Yeah, a couple times. A couple times. Yeah. Yep. How did this one go compared to the other times? It felt a little better. Yeah? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, that was a solid set. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four and a half years. And remind us, what do you do for work? I work over at a place called Vulcan.

gas company. Absolutely. The original landing spot of Kill Tony here in Austin, Texas. There was no other venue that we went to whatsoever at all for any period of time. Deleted from the history books forever. Any other venue whatsoever. So, Kevin Willard, how have things been? What's changed since the last time we saw you?

What have we covered in your interviews? Remind me of what... It's a shame I went through all my funeral director devil jokes already because you might be the scariest one. Yeah, you did that both times. You gotta laugh both times. Oh, I actually did do that. Okie dokie. Come on.

We talked about my deaf parents. We talked about my criminal history. What was that? We talked about how I've always, throughout my life, had a crush on Roseanne Barr. We talked about... Oh, wow. We said stuff like that. Amazing. Well, it's funny you mention that because Roseanne was just telling me that she wants to hook up with the AIDS-ridden corpse of Tom Hanks. So...

I think that you have a chance here. Because that's what you look like. So perhaps you could live some of her fantasies out on you. I love it. Tom Hanks is a good looking guy. Even if he has AIDS, I'd smash myself. Wow. Look at that. One in the Hanks, two in the Spanx. That's what I always say. One in the gump, two in the plump. You know what I'm saying? All right. Here we go. Kevin Willard, what's changed since the last time we saw you?

You know, I spend a lot of time at home staring at the wall, jerking off, watching reruns of a show called Roseanne. Okay, Kevin. You pander, you fuck. No, it really is a good show.

Yeah. It's a hell of a program. I watch a lot of reruns of that. How old are you? 49. Come on, Kevin. No, sorry. Shut up, broadband. 36. Okay. 36 years old. Wow. Yeah. Why'd you say wow like that? I don't know. All right. I'm 24. I'm 24.

Are you... What's going on here, Kevin? Are you okay? You freaking out a little bit? What's happening, right? Why are you saying different numbers? My heart's beating fast. I'm an age... I was born at a certain time, and then years went by, and now I'm the age that I am now. Okay. Kevin, is there anything interesting about your life right now whatsoever? You're really failing at this interview part. It was a decent 60 seconds, but... No, I don't know. Sometimes... You come out here, and, you know, it's not like the way you would expect it to be, uh...

your face is redder than I would have imagined it would have been. Right, okay. Anything else? We've done this show. I'm asking you about you. Okie dokie, there he goes, everybody. Kevin Willard, a decent 60 seconds. And then perhaps a little baby stroke. Perhaps a sign of a triple or quadruple vaccination there.

People have a little bit of a slow live rate when they got that Moderna running through them. I pulled names out of the bucket until we found a lady. Is that cool? We haven't had a female comedian up tonight. The greatest female stand-up comedian of all time sitting here. Is it okay if we get a lady up here, huh? Make some noise for your next comedian. It is Celia Contreras.

Here we go. A new 60 seconds from Celia Contreras. Oh, we know Celia. Make some noise one more time for Celia, everybody. All right, before we get into the actual jokes, I just want to say if you're out there and have a disability, don't let it stop you from being the type of person you want to be. Thank you. My mom's colorblind and she's still racist as hell. Thank you.

I got in trouble when I was a kid 'cause I read a poster that said it's never too late to do the right thing. So I was inspired, I went home and tried to kill my sister with a coat hanger. I don't trust people who go to wine tasting parties. Something about people who pay to spit out alcohol, it offends me as a Catholic and an alcoholic.

Especially if you're atheist, because if you can't swallow the blood of your enemies, what fucking good are you? I ask you motherfuckers a question. Un-fucking-believable. Perhaps the set of the night, right down the barrel.

I believe you were just on, what, a week or two ago, right? Three weeks ago. Three weeks ago. The episode dropped tonight. I love it. Read all the charming comments in the live chat. It's fun to make a drinking game every time they say I look like a refrigerator or Dora the Explorer. That's right. That's right. I love it. Okay. Holy shit, I just realized who you are. Yeah, that's Roseanne Barr. This is the great David Koechner here. Hi. Hi.

Hi, David. I don't know who you are. I am so sorry. Oh, Jesus Christ. Celia. Celia, yes, you do. Do you want me to lie? No, you do. Take your hat off. David, take your hat off for a second. There you go, you son of a bitch. I will watch your shit when I get home tonight. Oh, my God. I've already seen it. You've already seen it. Are you going to watch Hot Tub Time Machine? Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh my god. I'm a fucking idiot. Alright. I'm a fucking idiot. My bad. What's that? I'm an idiot now. It's okay. Now you know? And you're also built like a hot tub and a time machine so it's pretty wild.

Celia, every single time you've ever been on this show, you've killed for the minute. You roll with all the jokes that happen to you and with you up on this stage incredibly well. Much better than all the boys. You answer the questions better than fucking all these other people. Always direct. How do you think you ended up? You're such what seems to be a pure stand-up comedian. How do you think you ended up this way?

I actually wanted to do stand-up when I was a little girl after I saw George Lopez, Why Are You Crying? with my family. And my mom said, honey, you can be anything in the world, but make sure you're a mother and a wife. And you can be president of the United States, but you can't be a stand-up comedian because women aren't funny. Wow. Wow.

And you're like, so fuck it, I'm going to be a refrigerator. Hey, the person on the live chat was correct. There it is. Take a shot. Take a shot. So then what happened? Tell us more. Is this something that you, did you believe your mom when she told you that? Yeah, I started looking into marine biology because I love killer whales. Wow. Hell yeah. Absolutely. And I would guess that they love you too. I think so.

I think you're great. I think you are great. Your writing is fantastic. You got it all, girl. It is unbelievable. I want to see you get even meaner.

I love that you got the dark negative attitude. God, I love that so much. I'd love to see you tear a few people's asses wide open. I do do roast battles periodically. Oh, cool. Awesome. You can hold your own.

No doubt about it. Celia, what else is going on in life? An unbelievable set, incredible story. Tell us more. What's up to date? You were on three weeks ago. Anything change? A good friend of mine passed away, and I haven't been handling it well, so I've just been, like, over-drinking. Mm-hmm.

Like more than I usually do. And I am a fucking lush. I need y'all to know that. Which, by the way, let me tell you, I can back this up. The first time we ever met her, she did a minute on a Kill Tony in Phoenix, Arizona. She blew my mind away so incredible through the set, through the interview, that I gave her a guest spot on my stand-up show the next night. Sold out stand-up live comedy club in Phoenix, Arizona, which is a 600, 700 seat room. It's a huge space.

And you killed again. And I always have a bottle of Crown Royal in every green room. It's my own bottle that's always waiting for me. And you drank it. No, you drank it. Do you remember drinking it? Like this. Like, glurp, glurp, glurp, glurp, glurp. And I'm like, you got that. That's all you, dude. You

You fucking enjoy it. And she just kept drinking. She was drinking it like it was fucking apple juice. There was no like after. There was no like anything. In my defense, like at the time I was living at the homeless shelter. Wow. And like I wasn't going to go back that night because I got the spot so I was going to sleep on the street. So I was partially downing it so it would be easier. I totally get that. Hey, have you ever beat a guy's ass? Yes. Oh, fuck.

Oh, I knew you had. I knew you had. What's the biggest thing you ever threw at a guy? Biggest thing? Herself. Yeah, I guess myself followed by a guitar at one time and the first Xbox, the big bulky one. So not the 360, the one that still had the X shape on it.

Celia, how much time do you think you have total if you had to do your best but longest but at that rate? My best longest, unfortunately, is only 20 minutes. I'm trying to get better. Perfect. You're from Phoenix, right? Born and raised? Born and raised in Flagstaff, Arizona. Do you have family there? Is your mom there? Both my parents are deceased. God damn it. Son of a bitch. I know. I was mad too.

But you have family still near the Phoenix area? I have some siblings there, yeah. Okay. November 18th, I'm doing the Celebrity Theater in Phoenix, Arizona. November 18th. That is a massive, one of the biggest theaters in your hometown. Would you like to do a guest spot on that show? Yeah.

This bitch is about to turn me down. I can tell. I already know. She's such a comedian. Look at her pretending like she wants to. Sorry, no, I really do want to. I just need to figure out my finances and shit. No, I'm going to fly you out and pay you to do a guest spot. And I'm going to put you in a hotel. A separate hotel room, by the way. You're not staying with me. Aaron! Aaron!

And I know you just moved here. I would love to have on The Secret Show Thursday.

Wow. A theater in your hometown. And anybody you want to put on the guest list, you can. I want all those people that told you that you're not going to be a stand-up comedian to watch you. Luckily, I know your mom and your dad will be watching you from the best seats possible. Side stage, because they can sit wherever they want. Holy shit. You want to tell her that?

You should tell her. You should fucking tell her that. I'm going on tour in October to Florida to do six dates. You want to open for me? This is Kill Tony. Live. Anything can happen. Wait, is this real? Are you guys going to pour pig blood on me? No. Well, we're going to do that too. I'll pay you. Luckily, you're already filled with it. I'm paying you too.

Yeah, I'll pay you. Okay. Everyone's going to love you. I love you. You're great. Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching the live story of Celia Contreras, everybody. Woo! Celia, congratulations. Amazing. Thank you.

It's all happening, folks. I mean, there's only one way to end a show like this. I mean, absolutely incredible. Storyline evening, unbelievable guests, unbelievably compelling bucket pools. Shit, even Red Band didn't fuck up once the whole show.

Something's in the air tonight. I'm tearing up from that last one. Wow, Red Band, by the way, actually has tears in his eyes. But the story of Celia Contreras, he can relate to an overweight woman making it in show business. Ladies and gentlemen, to end tonight's show, I present to you the man who has the record for most appearances on this show, the most interviews on this show, the most killings in the history of this show.

Kill Tony Hall of Famer, Memphis Strangler, Vanilla Gorilla, The Big Red Machine. This is William motherfucking Montgomery, everybody. Let's go. The weather channels get Jim Cantore refused to cover Hurricane Hillary in California because he said most people who talk about Hillary end up missing or dead.

The California hurricane Hillary has been rough. I think Hillary killed 26 people and the storm killed four. But seriously, Hillary has only killed four people so far, but half of those will be reported as suicides or freak plane crash accidents. Imagine you love eating ants so much they make that your official name. They're like, hey, I know what we should call them. Have you seen what they eat? That's all they eat.

I'm talking about a naneater. Okay, okay. I'm writing a children's book about a white upper-class male athlete who gets teased by the other third graders for having a large penis. It's called The David Koechner Story. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Wow, the great William Montgomery, everybody, doing it again. Thank you.

Add on to his statistic the most new minutes in the history of the show. An absolute freak of nature, starting out all these theater shows, did the biggest pop you can possibly imagine. Yeah, it's super exciting. I mean, in Chicago, after the fucking show, I was still riding off of the high, and I think Tony was too, because I was, again, I was not going to keep doing this, but Tony and I ended up strangling three fucking homeless people.

In Chicago, it was exciting seeing how pumped Tony got. I mean, he and I were so pumped, strangling the life out of these two Filipino dudes. It is really true. The Chicago Theater, one of the oldest, most iconic, famous theaters in the country, after you do a set like that up there, there is no real way to feel any more satisfaction. There's no more serotonin or dopamine left other than murdering people. Yeah, just strangling life.

the life out of Filipino people. Oh, well, I mean, I don't think we had to give away the race of our innocent homeless victims, William. Yeah, sorry. It's not always Filipinos. Sometimes it's other people. Okay.

William Montgomery with another rock-solid set. Those Hurricane Hillary jokes are absolutely hilarious. Thank you. Yeah, it's happening now. Yeah, I start getting worried about telling that Hillary stuff because she is going to come after me. I've been getting these weird phone calls. I mean, I'm literally starting to get nervous that they're going to pin a couple of those fucking stranglings on me back from Memphis.

from this past weekend in Chicago. I mean, it was two, like, hairy Filipino dudes. I think they're gonna fuckin' get that on me, so I had to be super careful. But yeah, I was thinking about those Hillary jokes today about the hurricane. - William Montgomery, one of the great comedians and improvisers of the history of the show. You're up here with both

of stand-up and improvising and comedic acting. So, do you have any questions or anything for these legends of the game? Yeah, David. Is it true...

you do in fact have a big penis and you were starting to play football in the third grade. Is that a true... Sure. For the purposes of this yes ending, this bit, yes. Okay. It got in the way and I was made fun of. Where was that? Minneapolis? Minneapolis? Or Missouri. Missouri, okay. It's an MI, so you're right there. Yeah. MI, yeah. That was...

been so exciting and also kind of weird. Also very traumatic, but you know, that which doesn't kill us, right? Exactly, exactly. For sure. Roseanne, is that true that you played a lot of women's basketball and you have big areolas and they were making fun of your areolas on the team? They did. They called her Areola Jordan.

So stupid. It's absolutely true. Back in the day. Okay, okay. And Roseanne, we gotta smoke some more weed again. Maybe tonight. I said it's Viet Cong weed. Because we strangled a couple of fucking Viet Cong people after we smoked it.

me want to dig a tunnel with a spoon and then shoot down helicopters with a straw.

Well, maybe someday. I would love to do that with you. Maybe someday. I'd love it. That was some good shit. That was good. Maybe tonight after the show we can do that again. Oh, boy. I'd rather join to my own this real good California weed. By the way, Roseanne, I'm going to tell you something that William is not going to tell you because he's never been given this compliment that you just gave him before. But that weed that you smoked, without any question at all, was actually my weed. William just handed you the blunt.

So you thought it was William's weed and you gave him credit for it on your podcast, but no big deal. It was mine. Tony, you promised you weren't going to tell her that, dude. If you want some real Viet Cong weed, John Deese has the craziest of it all. There you go.

You can have it now that the episode is ending, Roseanne. Yeah, you're about to be on another fucking planet, dude. Roseanne, can I get a hug? Or not. Oh, shit. The queen bee, Roseanne Bach. You know what I think? You know what I think, William? Texas needs to make this shit legal.

You're goddamn right. You're goddamn right. Yeah, what the fuck's going on, Governor Abbott? Get out of your wheelchair and sign it into law! Yeah, he's mad because he can't get any higher. Right. Isn't that crazy? It's just crazy that it's not legal in Texas. It is crazy. I hate it. Because it's the freedom state, right? Yeah.

Yeah. And a party state. That's all they do out here is drink and party, float the river, and they're scared of weed? What the fuck? Everybody's grandparents smoke pot out here. That's why it's so fun. Everybody's getting high with their grandparents and their parents. You know what I think, Roseanne? Now that you took a hit of that weed, and there's just no other way to put a ribbon on an episode like this. No, no, no. You know what I think we should do? What? We have the best band in the land here. I think you should take us away with a song. Well, but I can't remember no words now.

You can't? I can't remember any words. You want me to pull it up on the... Okay, should I sing Stairway to Heaven? Let's do that. You guys know Stairway to Heaven? Or my favorite song, Get Up, Stand Up. How many of you think Stairway to Heaven? How many of you think Get Up, Stand Up? Okay. Do you know the words to that? No. Okay, I'll look up those words. But I just love that song because it's so right now.

We're sick and tired of your isms, schisms. Say, die and go to heaven in Jesus' name. Yeah. We know. Okay, yeah. Hold on. They're going to get it cooking for a second here.

Get up. Hold on. Hold on. Wait. Let them. They're going to tune up for this. You guys have fun here tonight, huh? Thank you to Shell Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Firm, ConnectMobileHealth.com, Ways to Well, CM Smokehouse, KillMerch.com, and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe. Everyone needs to sing it with me. You all know it, right?

This is all about now. This is what we're going through right now. We're all here in this moment. Only us are here. Phones are locked up. You guys feel the energy at all? Yeah. Stand up for your rights. Get up. Stand up. Don't give up the fight. You...

That's not the word. God damn it, those are not the words. Listen, you follow me. You bitches follow me now because I got the words. Okay. Get up, stand up. Stand up for your rights. Get up, stand up. Stand up for your rights. Get up, stand up.

Stand up for your right. Get up. Don't give up the fight. Preacher man, don't tell me heaven is under the earth. I know you don't know life is truly worth it.

He says all that glitters is gold. But half that story has never been told. So now you see the light. Hey, you stand up for your right. Get up, stand up. Stand up for your right. Get up, stand up. Don't give up the fight. Get up, stand up.

Yay! Stand up for your rights. Get up, stand up. Don't give up the fight. Most people think great God will come from the sky. Take away everything and make everybody feel high. But if you know what life is worth for yours on earth, then now you see the light.

Hey, you stand up for your right. Yeah, get up, stand up, stand up for your right. Oh, get up, stand up, don't give up the fight. Life is your right. Get up, stand up, stand up for your right. Get up, stand up, don't give up the fight.

Listen to this. Listen. Listen to these words. Bob Marley. Listen. We're sick and tired of your isms, schisms. Say you've got to die and go to heaven in Jesus' name, Lord. We know and we understand. Almighty God is a living woman. You can fool some people sometimes. But you can fool all the people all the time. Now we see the light.

Make some noise for David Koechner! How loud can this place get for the great and powerful Roseanne Barr? How about the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery? Michael Gonzalez on the drums!

Paul Deamer on the horns, Matt Muehling on the electric, John Dees on the keys, Dee Madness on the bass. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in and it is indeed amazing. Roseanne and David Koechner live drawn during the episode. It's amazing. And the great Chris Rogers drew David Jolly tonight, everybody. Local artist. The arena has sold out on New Year's Eve.

The band plays Wednesday, this Wednesday at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. I'm on tour all around the country for the rest of the year. Very exciting stuff. Tickets at TonyHinchcliffe.com for those that remain. Congratulations again to Celia Contreras. What an episode. The rest is history. We'll see you guys next week. Guys, check out the SunsetStripATX.com. Good night, everybody. Thank you very much. Love you.

Good night. Thank you.

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