70: GETTING REVENGE ON OUR EXES WITH HANNAH BERNER - Ep. 70
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Mike Tirico here with some of the 2024 Team USA athletes. What's your message for the team of tomorrow? To young athletes, never forget why you started doing it in the first place. You have to pursue something that you're passionate about. Win, lose, or draw, I'm always going to be the one having a smile on my face. Finding joy in why you do it keeps you doing it.

Be authentic, be you, and have fun. Joy is powering Team USA during the Olympic and Paralympic Games. Comcast is proud to be bringing that inspiration home for the team of tomorrow. Me and the kids were always messaging. They LOL'd, I ROFL'd. But then I changed phone and the bubbles went green. But where there's a fill, there's a way. And I found a way to share what's in here. I'm tapping my heart. WhatsApp, the place to safely send messages between different devices. Message privately with everyone.

Hello and welcome back to the Cancelled Podcast. I love coming here on your little frat couch. Oh, this couch has seen so much, Hannah. I was just telling her she has like kind of sway boy energy about like with this house where it's kind of like... Lazy boy. We asked her, me and Trevor were like, how many bedrooms does it have? And she goes...

You're like, what do you mean? She sleeps right here. I have many a time. This is a better sleep than most beds. I'll tell you that right now. It is. It's a good, it's a good sleeper couch. It's definitely seen its day. I saw photos of this house the other day. Like I was looking at it on Zillow and I was looking at like the stage. As one does. I don't know. I'm going to wear Zillow obsession. I fucking love Zillow. It is. Fuck TikTok.

zillow is my porn hub dude i go on there just to like look at what i hopefully can buy pet finder i'm scrolling absolutely all day long and i'm waiting for one to speak to me i'm not kidding that's how i found murphy i was on there and one day i saw her and i was like that's my cat that's my cat and i literally sent so many additional emails like i applied for her but then i sent like email after email to sue okay i was like sue this is my cat please i swear to god i will do anything for this cat

And you got Mark. And I got her. And she said, you know what? She said, I was almost going to keep her. But she was like, you were so persistent. A manifestation queen. I've been doing that with like houses in Arlington, Texas. I don't know what the fuck. I didn't go to bed at 4 a.m. last night. I was in Arlington, Texas. And then you start fighting with your friend, like if it's a good enough house for you. And it's like, this is five million dollars. But I'm like,

I don't like what they did with the drapes here. I love when it's $8 million and you're like, I can't do that kitchen now. Not for me. Sometimes rich people are just the worst. I think if you are always looking at inspirational things, like it does become your reality. I swear that's manifestation for me. I like literally same thing with I feel that way about spending money. Like if I spend money like that, I don't necessarily have. It's like inviting new money in.

Oh, whoa. Honestly, that's money manifestation. It is the most LA shit. I'm like, because I'm, because I'm behaving like a rich person when I'm not. And then I'm like, okay, well any day now, I think I do that, but I'm definitely going to end up in a tent. I think you can easy to go bankrupt. It really, no one talks about enough. I don't, people don't, I don't, I don't even want to think about it. To be honest, I could see that happening. I'd like to get rich before losing it all. Bankrupt is iconic. Cause it means that you were rich.

Yeah, see, I don't know if I have to even, that's not my struggle. It's not my journey. Yeah, but the more I spend. Can we just like suck the fart out of your ass for 2.2 seconds? I literally just farted, which is crazy. Oh my God, I love that. You're so comfortable around us. Thank you. I also just love formalizing talking about farting and just farting and stuff. And I think that is what I love about you. That's intimacy, like looking a girl in the eye and being like, I just farted. And then she goes, thank you. And then that's girlhood.

And we're together. This is beautiful. I just wrote it on your beautiful couch because I feel comfortable here. I feel safe. I'm not kidding. I can start crying. Most beautiful thing anyone's ever said. She goes, that's the nicest thing ever. I wish my mom said that to me once. Never did. Definitely. At all. At all. But this is the third podcast you were going on today. No. Fourth. Fourth? What was the fourth one? Which one are we missing? I did Hot Takes earlier.

It's like about Reddit. Am I the asshole? And we go through our people assholes. Oh, I love am I the asshole on Reddit? It's like a subreddit. I'm not allowed on Reddit, but she reads it to me. And then I give opinions. I need like serious parental controls, especially on the tour. I think I'm going to need like, I don't know how to regulate that though.

It's a drug and you have to get off it. And I'm predisposed. Yeah, you can't. I'm not allowed. She's in the rabbit hole. You've been lately. I feel like this might be the height of your Reddit. I had like a full blown, like shameless relapse where I'm just like, I'm not even pretending I'm not on it. And I'm commenting back to people. Her account is like, okay, job, something, something. And she comments back.

She comments back. She signs it Brooke XO. Everything she says. They know. They know. I think that to an extent it can be a tool. I just get worried about getting lost in the sauce. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I keep telling myself too I'm going to stop talking about it and I like for some reason it's just always at the top of my brain. Because you do feel alive but then you also want to die. Yeah. So that's the crack of it all. It makes you feel really good sometimes and then it ruins your life. Yeah for sure. But

Anyway. I think I also just am really bad about like...

like seeing so much misinformation like I would go down the rabbit hole of wanting to like I got on reddit the other day and I like I was just like this isn't true this isn't true this isn't true and then it's like and the way people foresee our relationship is insane they think we are not friends that we hate each other that and like what are like one little thing where it's like I can't believe they so-and-so did this just so-and-so and it's like dude like it's really scary I made a TikTok about this last night but I'm having like a true identity crisis about it because

I know for a fact I'm perceived in a way that it's like literally imaginary, not real. Like the whole like clean girl, like responsible. I'm like, nobody who knows me thinks that about me. So I'm starting to feel like weird about everything. It's like you and I became best friends before the podcast ever happened. Yeah, we don't hate each other. And for me, no, but not even just that. It's like,

For us to become best friends off camera, we've got to be a little bit alike. Like we've got to have common interests. We've got like, you've got to be down with more of the shit. Yeah. I was snorting Latin. No, I'm just kidding. You post these raw YouTube videos. Like it's two people who don't fuck with each other.

You can't make it through an hour. Like at some point you could tell that person's like, oh my. Also, if you're not fighting at all, you're fucking fake. 100%. If you're not giving a, calling a person out, you're fucking fake. Yeah, you're not close enough. But yeah, you guys have amazing chemistry. Do people accuse you and page of hating each other ever?

Noelle, you guys like really don't have the same dynamic. Paige and I had a moment on reality TV where like the storylines looked like we weren't there, whatever. But part of friendships is like you have moments where the friendship gets tested and then you see like how, like I think you guys are stronger because you fight and then you get over it. Yeah, we keep leveling up a bit. Honestly, every fight has brought us like up like a level. In closeness and so much shit. Yeah, female friendship is so great because I mean you can fuck each other but like

You don't want to fuck each other and you're choosing to hang out. That's the ultimate compliment. That's so true. Right? True. We could fuck. You could. We don't. But you know, maybe if tour gets really boring. I'm so down for like a Cincinnati scissor. Are you guys going to fuck on the road? We were just talking about this. She was saying because she's bringing her boyfriend and I personally don't have one. We're bringing Murphy. I'm recruiting.

I kind of love a different guy in each state, in a different area code you go on a date with. I don't know. I've had a, I would love to see you hinge it up. I don't know about that vibe for me. Hinge it up on the road. Do you bring your husband when you tour? Do you bring a husband? Husband sounds so, do you bring a husband? It's so funny. We were talking about this. So formal, weird. We were talking about this the other day that like,

What did you say exactly to her? Well, just the fact that like you have a husband, but really like no one ever talks about it. Paige was like, you don't have a husband. And you like hate it. Like someone's like your husband. You're like, ew, why would you say that? Because like I see you talk about things and you'll be like, when a guy does this, when a guy does this, and I forget like you're fully just like actually married. Because I was 29 single pre-COVID doing all my like dating jokes. You're not 29 right now.

I mean, mentally I am. But then COVID hit and I got married. I got engaged so quick. It all happened so quick that I was like my still my own messy self who happened to be married. But the truth is you're just the same person. You just have like a legal document. And you still have all the same. Like, I think it's fun because you still have all the fun dating stories. Also, I want to live vicariously through girls still dating. And also people think because I'm married, I know shit. And I'm like, I don't know. I do think you know shit.

I'm like, he explained love. Like, this is the rules. I don't know shit. I think you did the right thing with an older man, too. I think that's my vibes right now. He's exhausted. Yeah.

He's so tight. The life in his eyes is just like draining. You said this to me the other day. Like it's something like that. And there was like joy in your eyes. And I was like, she's a fucking murderer. Like you think we're getting into fights? He gets tired two minutes in. He's like, whatever you want. Oh my God. See, that's smart. God, you're brilliant. My boyfriend is like so agile. I'm like that. That's not, that's not the vibes. I think it's me at this point. I'm like, whatever you want. You've lived so many lives. You're like, fuck.

mama needs to work okay whatever you need just talk to my people i'm not kidding that's actually the dynamic i think of mine and mccall's relationship i like you kind of gave me like cigarette mom you know when they were like doing the thing on tiktok about like cigarette moms do you think you'll be a cigarette mom absolutely even if i don't have the cigarette i'm gonna have the thin brows and just disdain hell yeah on lock for sure do you want kids do it oh

I'm honestly not sure because I realized that like you don't have to have kids.

Yeah, you really don't like that's a crazy realization and I'm sure I am and Dolly Parton is Like my religion. Yeah, me too. So it's like and she has a great relationship. Very happy I know in quiet another one where she is like she's married and you just don't know. It's so hot You know, she's been with her husband for literally like 50 years or something like maybe more Yeah, she's like protecting and like no one's ever even seen him before like literally

It's like Blanket Jackson. You know, there's like rumors like I don't know if this is true, but like people say like Dolly Parton without she'll just go out without all her get up and no one has any idea who she is. She's like she has full sleeves. She's like tattoos. Yes. No. Yes. Oh, if I saw Dolly Parton, no makeup sleeved up like cigarette dive bar. But you wouldn't know. Or she'll go through the drive through and like you wouldn't know because like without all her.

I watched your documentary and I fell in love with her. Me too. I've never seen it. Oh my God. Is it insane? You'll cry. On Pet Finder, Murphy's description said- We're referencing Pet Finder as Wikipedia. I'm not kidding because I have a Dolly Parton shrine in my house. Like literally, like I had a big huge- As you should. My old apartment. As you should. Her description said if she were a celebrity, she would be Dolly Parton. And that's why I literally, I sent Sue. I said, Sue? Dolly's everywhere. Yeah.

My cat has like a little thing on her lip. So I said she looks like Cindy Crawford. That's Cindy Crawford was prettier. Do you remember when she's not doing so beautiful? Do you remember when Cindy Crawford was on all those infomercials?

For like all of the skincare products for like 10 years. Get that bag, bitch. Get that bag. There's something I think that is just, I'll always love. Like a beautiful woman, like endorsing, you know what I mean? Like something she does not use and did not need. She goes, as long as it doesn't have to touch my skin, I'll endorse it. Absolutely. Get that fucking shit. But it is like 23 year old influencers being like, this serum has transformed my skin. And I'm like, your skin has barely seen the weather. Yeah.

What are you talking about? What are your thoughts on the new, like, 12-year-old drunk elephant girls? Oh, my God. This... I love a sassy little bitch. I do. But, like, the fact that it's always on the internet, it just makes me so scared at a young age. Like, remember those Facebook videos you would leave on your friends' walls? Uh-huh. Like, that's... For that to be around, that would be insane. Yeah. And that's...

Just how people can track that. Like, that girl's going to apply for a job one day. Yeah, and are her parents, like, regulating? Or she'll just be a huge fucking influencer and never have to have a job ever. Yeah, those are the most dangerous people you know. But all of them would bully the fuck out of me. I know that. I'm fucking terrified. Yeah, I'm sucking in every time I walk past a 13-year-old. She pushed me into a locker. That is the vibes, for sure. I was really... We talked about this a little bit, but I was really against the whole, like...

you know, retinol serum on a 13 year old and like that whole obsession. And the internet of it all does scare me. Like I'm always wanting something new and all this, the beauty standards and blah, blah, blah. But when I was 13, I was like,

you know oh I had different I was sucking dick behind a Chili's like I hate when you talk about 13 year old you sucking dick I don't think I was actually sucking dick at 13 okay it's it's more of a mindset it's a metaphor it's just a vibe no also like Chili's is just such a funny word to say airport Chili's you were sucking dick behind a airport Chili's is next level fucked up airport Chili's might be my heaven on earth

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Welcome to another round of Drawing Board or Miro Board. Today we discuss technical diagramming with systems architect Maya. Let's go. First question. You've spent 10 hours slogging over a sequence diagram that should have taken 5. Drawing Board or Miro Board? Drawing Board.

And if I'm being honest, Miro would probably cut that time down by half. You know, with its AI tools and ready-to-go templates. Next, your diagrams become so bulky, it's more complex than the solar system. But all it takes is a few clicks and... It's Miro. I've used those technical shape packs way too many times. Now, the final question. Everyone's brought in, but you have to make all these tasks all the time.

I'm starving. I couldn't disagree more. I'm starving.

I'm not, everything else is rock bottom in comparison to airport Chili's. The only joy you've ever had was at an airport Chili's. You know what's crazy? I'm not kidding. Growing up, I thought that like, I truly thought Chili's was like fine dining. No, I'm not kidding at all. Like if we got to go to Chili's, that was like, I agree. I was like, oh my God, my family goes to dinner. But

But now I'm choosing chilies over fine dining. I thought a guy was my soulmate for a year because he had a chili statue. The most versatile menu behind fucking Cheesecake Factory. If you could only eat at one restaurant for the rest of your life, what would you choose? A Mexican restaurant. That's not a restaurant. That's a genre. That's a genre. That's a genre. That's a culture. Um...

No, like a hole in the wall Mexican restaurant. Like any of them. Okay. That has like enchiladas. You are not destined for a long life. Anyway. What's yours? I feel like you want me to ask. I want you to ask so bad. First of all, the only time I ever ask a question is because I want to be asked myself. She said that. She goes, anyone? She's cake factory.

They have the most versatile menu that has ever existed. You could order literally just grilled chicken and fucking collard greens. Do they put calories next to it? They do. I don't fuck with that. They do. But why would you have to look at the menu? You can order anything you could possibly think of off the top of your head. It's like it's a small world kind of how you go through all the cultures. You do. It is. That's exactly what it is. I do.

- I do think putting the calories by shit is like homophobic. - Should be illegal. - It's like gaslighting, it's gatekeeping, girl bossing. - It's triggering. I feel like Demi Lovato when she walked into that yogurt shop. Dude, that shit was so crazy. - It was an intense time for everyone.

For them. I get where she was coming from, to be honest. Just like whenever there's a small business involved, leave them alone is my rule. That's such a good fucking rule. Like if there's a small... You support small businesses regardless. You walk in and they punch you in the face and you go, I fucking support women in the arts.

Even though women work here. I love small businesses. You burn the place to the ground because you love the small businesses. I agree with that 100%. Absolutely. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind because I could just see me getting like rogue even on tour. You know what I mean? I'm just having a bad day. I'm in a weird waffle shop. Why did I say waffle shop? There's not such thing as waffle shops. I'm tired.

We're so fucking tired. But I'm so excited for your tour because this like. You're like thinking as you go. You're like, I'm so excited for your tour because. She's got her brain on. No, I'm so excited because I feel like this wasn't your plan initially. And it was like that.

I don't know how this happened. She's like, I don't know how this happened. Wait. I love a natural, like, you found yourself. I should be a big sucker. Like, I never wanted to be a stand-up comedian. I just found myself there one day. I love that about you. But that's what I, like, you guys naturally are performers. And you did it in a lot of different forms. Also, like, your TikTok performance is, like, right now. Absolutely. And, like, who can talk to the camera?

that long and keep people's attention i have to go over a minute or i'm not making any money oh is that why sometimes i'll have to like milk and if i'm at 48 seconds i'm like fuck i have to start over you know you're writing slower you're writing an essay and you have to hit like a thousand words or like the discussion post where i'm like i loved what you said yeah literally exactly like that

Trisha Paytas really put me onto that. Like she was like, you got to go over a minute. Like that's, that's where the big bucks are at. And now I'll get her a TikTok of hers on my for you page. And she'll start it with like 20 seconds of silence. And I'm like, you go girl. I watch it all. But I will never ever, ever scroll past something that she like posts. You know, I've never met Trish.

Oh, she would love you. Hannah burner and Trisha Paytas would feed. That's girlhood. That's girlhood. But you know what? It's not meant to be yet. I haven't hit that realm yet. And I don't, you know, it'll happen. Trisha Paytas is like ayahuasca. Like you don't go looking for it. It's like when it, like when it comes to you, that's like, do you know what I mean? Wait, have you done ayahuasca? Fuck no. I'm not, dude, my chiropractor, this is the most LA story I've ever heard. I was

I was at my chiropractor the other day and he's like cracking me. He also cracks Beyonce, which is just so funny. Like his realm of clients. I want to crack Beyonce. He was telling me about, you know, what Bay's spine was doing. And then he's cracking me. And he was telling me. He's telling me. He's lying. Remind me I have a story about that. You should see Bay's A3. It's fucked up. Wait, I love chiropractory actually. So much. It's weirdly sexual. It kind of turns me on. I'm not going to hold you. Not my...

We're good. It's a release. But he was telling me about how he was in an ayahuasca experience and everyone around him started puking and shitting themselves and eating it because they wanted the ayahuasca to go back in their body. Oh, I don't like that. No, I know. Yeah, that's culty. We have a friend who, sorry, who dated a girl who did ayahuasca. And then now like literally people go looking for her and find her in like the middle of the alley.

like waving sticks. I'm not stable enough for ayahuasca. Not kidding at all. And she was brilliant. She was like a biochem major. She was my, I was her assistant in, in my sorority. When I was younger, one of my older cool friends told me a story about taking acid and how it like repeats on her. Like every now and then she's like back in the trip. Can't you like crack your back and all of a sudden you're tripping again? I got so scared by that. I'm like, I'm not smoking a cigarette. I don't take any drugs. Like I took, you know what my ayahuasca is?

Melatonin. That shit is my ayahuasca. I can't even take it. I feel like I have to crawl out of my skin if I take melatonin. No one warns you. They just like give it away. Melatonins are so scary. Yeah. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. I see my dead grandma frequently in my melatonin dreams. Why do I always see my dead grandpa? My grandpa lives in my dream. Every night my grandpa's in my dream. And he's my best friend. No one's visiting me. And I love him. That was the saddest thing I've heard in so long.

It's okay. Do you have people who've passed? Plenty. She goes, no one cares. No one's even checking in. Not even a nightmare. I get all weird and existential. Maybe you just don't remember your dreams. Oh, I remember them so vividly. I can't take melatonin anymore though. I'm trying to get you out of this. Melatonin's too. I've moved on to bigger and better things. No, I'm like not over my grandpa's death. If we're being honest.

Podcast four of the day. You're like, yo. I'm running out of topics. Can we talk about my dead grandpa? Yeah. No, but then my husband. Who? You're like confusing the two. I'm like, wait. Not to brag, but both his parents are dead. So I can't complain about my grandpa being dead because he goes, oh.

but you have both your parents. Why don't you stop being so selfish? And I'm like, I had a relationship just like that. Like my grandpa used to love tea. Like, you know, he's one drink tea. And I saw tea and I was like, reminds me of my grandpa. And he goes, at least your parents are alive. And I'm like, I just want to fucking moan for my grandpa. Clinton. That did happen. That did happen to her. No, but he was pretending they were. Oh my God. You know the story anyway. Well, I'm really sorry about your good grandpa.

You know what? You can talk to me about it. I'm happy to listen to you anytime. My parents are alive. Do you think your grandma's watching you? Can I say something horrible? Do you ever like... I have flashes of dead people I know whenever I'm masturbating. Wait. Can I say something? Same. Wait, I'm not kidding. This is serious and I don't know why no one's taking me seriously. I

Because I think about it. I'm not kidding. I won't do it without something covering me. Because if somebody is watching over me, all they can see is my face. Wait, so you masturbate under covers? Yeah. Like with a flashlight? Well, my face can be out. But that's all they're seeing. But you pretend you're not masturbating? Yeah. I'm conscious of the faces I'm making. Because...

I do that sometimes too. Grandma could be there. I do that. I'm not kidding. I'm serious. I'm not joking. Like I feel really seen in her. I think about. I believe in mediums. I believe in ghosts and stuff. So I'm like, if I, what if she wants to check in on me? She shows up in my room and she's like, Oh God. But what about having sex? That's a performance art. I'm like, that's woman in the arts. Yeah.

And one and two and three and four. No kidding. Sex sometimes can feel like an eight count. You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I get that. You have a whole bit on that, don't you? Oh, I do. I do. Five, six, seven, eight. And how riding, like, I have a whole thing about the rhythm. Talk to me. And how...

Oh, when you both get like off. You're both off. Or she said when like you're both accidentally going the same way and nothing's even entering. Yeah, and he hasn't been in you for like three seconds, three minutes and you're just like, that is so good. And then you could potentially snap his dick if things go awry. I love that you looked the only man in the room dead in the eye when you said that. That was so fucked up that I did that. I actually was looking at the camera and he happened to be there, but

We're connected on that. Can I ask him a question? Am I allowed to talk to the man? Yes, you are. What are dicks made out of? I think it's just like blood and tissue, right? Something like that. I think that's accurate. I asked a guy last night and he said meat and I gagged on stage. I don't like thinking about the fact that we are literally made of meat. Armie Hammer. Was he really a fucking cannibal? Yeah, I think. I don't know. I heard he chews tampons.

He'd choose tampons. I don't know. I've had a long day. I feel like I would sell my tampons for money if things went awry. I think I agree with that fully. Do you ever take out a tampon? Yes. Oh, no, I don't like it. And you're like... Yes, it was funny. Yeah. And it...

And I agree with whatever you're about to say. And you're just kind of like, good job. When it's intact and you're just like, that's a solid one. Or it's like fully full, but it's kind of like pretty red. And you're like, damn, I did a good job with that one. No. I'm 10 out of 10. I'm like, when you take out a tampon and there's barely any blood and it's coming out and it feels like...

You know, and then you're like, that was a bad job. Do you ever put your tampon in slightly at the wrong angle and it just ruins your entire day? The entire day. And what are you going to do? Pull it out? I did that for three years of my life, I think. Oh, my God. You know that I used to think you were supposed to leave the applicator in. That's sadder than whatever you said earlier. That shit was fucked up.

I'm not kidding. I'm actually not kidding. I remember when I very first started my period and I was getting tampons, I was just putting them in wrong. But so then, you know, you like when you put it in wrong. But I thought that I just had the heaviest flow and the widest set vagina money could buy. So I kept going up in sizes. So I kept going up in sizes until I was like ultra. But I was like a virgin. And I was like, maybe that's why when I lost my virginity, it didn't hurt. And I'm still talking. Please stop me. Anyway. Yeah.

I used pads until, why do I feel like we're just going around saying, was it embarrassing? Are we going to want to cut this whole thing? We're like, let's see who has the most fucked up story. No, I used pads until I was 18 because my mom told me to. I honestly, I get behind that. I don't like the pad at all. I think it was like a thing from like moms, they use pads. And then I was in college one day and I got my period freshman year. And I was like, does anyone have a pad? And they were like,

And then my friend was like, we have a tampon. And I was like, and she was like, do you need me to do it? And I was like, it's probably better for you. Tampons are like so bad for you. But I know someone who got toxic shock and lost her legs. A pad is dehumanizing to me. I'm sorry. Plural. She lost her what? Legs. From toxic shock. It happens. They have to amputate. Is it because she left it in too long? She like, she started feeling sick and then literally like someone found her like days later and she was like, and then...

You really hit the Stephen Hawking there. Sorry for the demo. But yeah, she had to have empty air legs. I don't really actually know what the middle steps were. How's she doing now? She's a spokeswoman. She is. She really is. She says no tampons. I'm a free bleeder personally. Not always. Well, I do that thing where like after three days, I'm like...

We're good. The same thing I was saying, like, it's like I can manifest it ending and I really think it works. Yeah. It's like when it's raining outside and you don't want to use the umbrella and you're just like, can you stop? Welcome to another round of boardroom or Miro board. Today we talk retrospectives with agile coach Maria.

Let's go. First question. You've spent two hours in a team retro, but the only input you've heard is Dave's. Boardroom or mirror board? Boardroom. In Miro, Dave can't hog the space because everyone can add thoughts anonymously, online at the same time. Correct.

Next, you need the team to act on feedback fast. So you turn all those retro notes into Jira tasks. Miro all the way. And I can assign those tasks to teammates. You're nailing this. Now, you see hundreds of sticky notes from the retro. A real mess. But you organize them into five themes in just seconds. Miro, I basically get back an entire hour when I use its AI tools for clustering.

And she's done it. For a limited time, visit miro.com slash retro now for a free business plan trial to unlock advanced retro tools like private mode, voting, and two-way jira syncing. That's miro.com slash retro now. Welcome to another round of Drawing Board or Miro Board.

Today, we discuss technical diagramming with systems architect Maya. Let's go. First question. You've spent 10 hours slogging over a sequence diagram that should have taken five. Drawing board or Miro board? Drawing board. And if I'm being honest, Miro would probably cut that time down by half. You know, with its AI tools and ready-to-go templates,

Next. Your diagrams become so bulky, it's more complex than the solar system. But all it takes is a few clicks and... It's Miro. I've used those technical shape packs way too many times. Now, the final question. Everyone's brought in, but you have to make all these tasks all the time.

I'm just not going to use an umbrella so it stops. 100%. It doesn't work, but... Yeah, blood on the ankles. But like...

I'm not putting in a tampon after day three. And that's just, why does blood on the ankle sound like a fucking like Post Malone album? I kind of like it. You heard it here first. That should be your next. Oh, I'm like very invested in your music career. That's so fucking unfortunate for me. That should be your next. Like if you had like an Olivia Rodrigo moment where you're like. Bold of you to assume. Blood.

I can't sing. I think you slay it. Yeah, I don't. No, nobody hears it. You have a good voice. I think we all don't sing. If I could undo one thing from my... No, there's so many actual other things I should probably undo. So one of the things... People love it. That's my favorite thing about all our tour announcements now is everyone's using her songs on it. So when I repost it, it's like... Who fucking said something to make you feel less than about that? Hannah, are you deaf? No.

The music, Hannah. I don't know if I've listened to it. No, I'm just kidding. I thought it was so... You were young and it was a cool, fun thing to do. I think it was a fun time. Hefner?

oh that's a oh you're gonna have you heard it yes i wish i did like weird porn like at this point other than music like i it just wasn't it just wasn't for me i wanted a bag and i chased that bag and it oh so someone kind of pushed you into it to make money i kind of saw this was i started britney spurs of youtube yeah i've been linking a conservator or something um

It was during the time of the YouTube. There was a YouTube diss track era where everyone was doing that. Oh, I remember that. So then I entered that and then just kept doing it because I like saw the success of it. And it's just you just you just can't undo it. I don't know. I did reality TV. We can't judge. What did you do on reality television? Oh, no, I just was on Bravo. Like you want to try different ways to entertain. And then sometimes you're like.

I feel uncomfy or like I don't think people What was the show? It was called Summer House I'm educated It's okay I'm a real fan No I prefer when people don't Me Watch it Yeah but also like I'm gonna watch it all tonight I do like reality TV I did like reality TV but I don't I did I also had a reality TV stint and it's not for me

I think that once you produce your own content and you're so right, you're like liberated in that. You don't ever want to have someone else. I do have a producer mind where I'm like, yeah, I'm like, let's make this a good show. Let's make this fun. What do you need? And then you're not focusing on like how people can fuck you. Yeah. And they will every time. And if you're an outgoing woman and you talk enough, they have so much to use in so many directions. They can go with whatever you've said. Yeah. It's so easy. Like in 30 minutes, how many sarcastic jokes am I going to make? That can be just delivered as real. Exactly.

I've talked about this like a lot on the, I've talked about this just a lot, but on my MTV show, they would often use shit. I would say on the mic, but like in the bathroom during the cutaway. So it would be like a drone shot of Hollywood. So much shit. It was crazy. And some of it were wild lines that I'd send months later. Yeah. I didn't know there was a context to. Yeah. And you just, you don't think it's drama. And then you're getting all this drama for a wild line. You sent in a bathroom 10 months later. Can you say fuck this?

and then they put it after like abortion. You just feel dumb. Yeah, you feel so dumb. And then you're like, this is awesome. This is sick. No, they once had me send like a where's someone, like asking where someone is because he came late to the house and then they played it a hundred times in one episode and everyone's like, Hannah's obsessed with him. Shut up. I thought you were going to say he was dead. But like, I didn't even flirt with the guy and then Twitter was all like, Hannah's obsessed with him. I'm like, why would they say that? And then I watched it and I was like,

You dumb bitch. That's evil. You dumb little bitch. And then you have like a breakdown because of it. And if you keep shooting reality shows, then you're like mentally unhinged. And then they like, it's such a. Well, then you get stuck. Yeah. But that's why honestly TikTok saved my life. And Zillow. Because TikTok, I was able to just, I was, I just wanted to create content that was myself. And if people hated it, I was like, fine. But the algorithm's so fun. Like it finds people that like fuck with you. Yeah. I would say it's like the girls who laugh really loud and don't care.

That's like who I want to fuck with. That was so sweet. It is sweet. TikTok is my favorite platform. I mean...

absolutely you're both like my entire fyp so i feel like i'm hanging out with you all the time i'm so sorry it's so nice i mean it's both contrasting energy she's always like in a plain room yeah i just sit in my bed all day long done where you're my makeup is not done you're in the middle of the ocean somewhere hair extension on my face in a private jet somewhere it's it together it's honestly it's perfect thank you

I'm obsessed with your TikTok. I don't know if I've ever actually told you this, but I watch every single one. I like I wanted to do a deep dive on your TikTok on the podcast. I don't think go through every single one and make her watch it and be like, what was the motive behind this? But you just have so many good takes on there that I think we should delve deeper into.

Can we go back to masturbation for a second? I need to get something off my chest. I was about to say that too. Sometimes do you ever feel like you need to masturbate, but you don't want to? Yeah. Yeah. Like it's like an itch. Like an itch you don't want to scratch. And I always, I like feel like that more often than not.

Like I'm not like so turned on that I like need to. It's just more like, oh my God. Okay. It's like you need to go work out so you can like go on with your day. Yeah. Or it's like an everything shower, you know, like you can only put it off for so long and then you like you have to do it. I do think we're better people when we masturbate. We don't go too long without it. Yeah. Sometimes I get scared because you know how like sometimes when you do like certain drugs or something, I know you don't do any drugs, but well, neither do I. I mean, but like you can have like too much.

like serotonin or whatever it is and then you like borrow it and then after that you're like super depressed I feel like if you masturbate too much you're gonna be depressed after and you're like walking with a limp the next day yeah no I need to finish my thought though oh so frequently I don't masturbate to like porn I just will like answer my emails

See, that's where something bad can happen. Or like scroll on TikTok. But then I'll get like an Alex Earl video and I'm like, this is weird. I'm not masturbating to Alex Earl. No, that's not consistent. You can get a weird kink doing that because you'll see something. And then the only way you're able to come is like when your accountant sends you like a W9. Like something bad can happen with that.

Yeah, that's dangerous territory. Or just like to a show. Because you don't want to get too, you're saying you don't want to get so turned on that it becomes like a whole shebang. You just want to do it. Well, no, sometimes it's like, yeah, like I am and then that's like fun and whatever. But sometimes it's just like, I feel like you're my vagina, like the alarm's going off. Sometimes I have trouble. And I just have to like turn the alarm off. I think it's like an OCD thing, but sometimes I have trouble stopping.

You ever like, cause you could have multiple orgasms and you're just like, do we just keep going? Run this back. I agree with that. Cause you can keep going as long as you, cause it's like, it's, you know, it's exciting. And then sometimes I'm like,

what are we doing i just came 30 times no i get that and you don't even want to come anymore you're just like i can though yeah but i think that's like comforting i should probably talk to a therapist about that i guess same that's why i struggle with therapies like i would just simply never say that to a therapist i would get too scared you're the page page i i she says she doesn't but i know she lies to a therapist oh i 100 do and then i'm like i'm wasting all my money where i will like i'm

I will say so. I will. I will say everything because I'm like, let's make this productive. Therapists can't tell anyone. So I know. I know. But I do like for some reason, it's just like it's crazy because it's like I'm right now I'm talking about it. And like, you know, people are listening. But like, God forbid, I tell one lady who's sitting in an office.

I've never had like a really profound therapist, though. I had the worst therapist. I like cycled through so many when I was like in my little episode. There's so many bad therapists out there. One therapist literally told me, she goes, I think you just need to get a new boyfriend. I was like, well, that's how I got here. So yeah, I think I do. I told my therapist literally for like weeks, like all about my childhood. And she looks me dead in the fucking face this time.

And she tells me, I feel like you just need to hug your inner child. No shit, Sharon. This isn't a Pinterest board. Yeah, it was just, it was so, like, that was actually genuinely her only takeaway to me. And I was like, who licensed you? Also, as someone who I, like, ruminate a lot, sometimes I don't need to continue talking about the issue. I actually have to, like...

like go for a hot girl walk like that's better than me yeah i need to put you to rest and i do you need to talk about stuff like i'll do something for three months and then i stopped therapy for a bit because i was like i don't need to repeat this shit yeah like you're not even thinking about it but now all of a sudden you're in therapy and you are thinking about it it's a couple hundred dollars so you're like fuck i need to and then you're like creating problems where there aren't problems well now i need therapy because i'm broke because i'm doing therapy but

But you're getting those TikToks out. That's true. That helps. She has a 10 minute TikTok. It's just like...

I'm like so but you're so right it is a cycle like I at one point was just talking to my therapist about how I'm too busy and I don't say no to things and I'm like I literally don't have time like I'm stressed because I should be doing work right now and I have to do this therapy session and then I was like she's like you have to have boundaries with people and I'm like okay I think we should stop these and she was like no not that kind of thing and I had this weird like is this is she testing me but I was literally needed therapy because I was stressed that I didn't have enough time

And therapy was taking up all my time. Yeah, that's how I started to feel after a while. It's because I didn't feel like I was making progress. I would be down for it to take up all my time if I felt like I was

True Learning profound shit Dude You definitely need waves of it Chelsea Handler wrote this book I love all her books Called Life Will Be the Death of Me I love it Such a good book The only book I've ever read It was so good And the entire book is about her sessions with her psychiatrist And I was like I need this person I need this psychiatrist Whatever And I go to reach out to him And Chelsea Handler made him so famous now that he's just doing seminars And I'm like God

Damn it. That was the most L.A. shit, though, to be like, I'm reaching out to that guy. He probably lives like a couple blocks away. Or it's like Jonah Hill. He came out with that thing with the therapist. Yeah, that was crazy. And everyone was crazy about it. And then like two months later, everyone's like, Jonah Hill's a monster. Yeah, and he probably needs a better therapist even, honestly. I don't think you should be buddies with your therapist. That's giving...

There's a problem. Absolutely. 100% agree. And I would be that therapist. I'd want everyone to like me. I'd be like, I'm like fun. I'm like the cool therapist. Hey, fucking pop those pills. Fucking keep gas. I go like, I want to tell anyone. I would love to be a therapist. I carrying people's drama. Yeah, I would. Being a therapist would be so fun because I love to like psychoanalyze and all that shit. That's what I feel about what you guys can do on your tour. Like I do crowd work because I'm nosy. Yeah. Like I know, like I love my jokes, but then sometimes I'm on the road and I'm like, let's fuck around. I'm like,

how did you two meet? Why are you wearing that shit? Like, it's actually very fast. Cause where else can you walk up to random people and just ask them anything? It's so true. We don't utilize like that enough with our crowd work. Like just asking them fucking anything. I know we need to honestly. But it's hard when you're in, when you're in big theaters to navigate the crowd. So I'm a little nervous about that. Cause I know we've done only literally like one theater, I think. And now this new tour is like almost all theaters. Yeah.

And it is a different energy because it's they're not right there. And I feel like you're on a Broadway play. Yeah, because the stage is so big. It's just yeah, it's not as intimate feeling and you it is different. But you'll get used to it very quick. She was the only theater show. She was like literally like pink, like in the crowd like this. It was crazy. I got bold. I was in fucking seat like thirty five B like sitting on the stage like.

Yeah. We didn't, we didn't have a rhythm. Everyone's like, Brooke didn't say one word. Fuck. It's like Paige famously doesn't ever stand up during the show. And I'm all over the fucking stage. Just like skipping, doing the worm. That's so funny. And Paige is in her perfect outfit. She's just like me for real. That's so us. I'm like angry pacing, like,

gut out like not like no posture i'm so fucking bloated by the second show dude i yeah absolutely every single time i like i'm bad with that i need to fix my posture i could literally i could be as tiny as a needle but i camera from every fucking angle the amount of stories that i get tagged in i'm like oh my god i have to well everyone tags you walking out and you realize that's the moment you you have to be like you're so right i need to get better at that and it

It's also like my outfit choices. I think this tour, I'm going to take it easy. Like I don't need nobody's tie up fishnet, eyelet, lace dress with stirrups. Well, it's like it was so many shows. So I just started getting lazy with it. And it was like a tank top and jeans. But then I'm like, why the fuck? Why am I in front of thousands of people in a fucking T-shirt and jeans? No, but because the outfits are different when you're performing. And that's why I think if you think about women in comedy, like,

historically it's the worst fashion because either you're like i don't distract with the crazy outfit i want to be comfortable on stage i want to be able to walk around and fashion doesn't always mix but then you don't want to be in a fucking sequined blazer like every female comic yeah so you're in i deal with that all the time and people will make fun of my outfits and i'll be like i put on a blazer because i was fucking bloated and i didn't want to wear the dress i'm wearing these shoes because my feet were killing me because i've been on tour for three weeks who fucking cares they're not on stage

it's true but i'm just it is i want to find something that like girls feel comfortable with so you kind of find like a steve jobs type thing that's why i said that like my uniform i was wearing like a tube top with cargos in different colors for a while i did have an amazon dress that page made me burn a black dress that i wore every fuck and she was like you can't wear that anymore that is so us coded i do though i have like a uniform like i'll wear different variations of the exact

same outfit always because it works because I'm like and you don't know what you're gonna be in the mood for that night like you know you plan an outfit and then the night comes and you're like I'm not wearing that tonight yeah at all I'm not in an orange mood and everyone's staring at your crotch the whole time when you're in stand up why would you say that when you're standing up no I'm like oh no I had to I thought I've never had you fucking savage

no when you're doing stand-up i just feel like your pussy is like in everyone's mouth well so like i that's why i'll wear like a baggy pant or like a skirt i don't want to be yeah you can't be camel toed up i mean i don't mind a camel so if you own it cannot okay camel toes really like it has such a negative rap to it camel toes got a bad rep yeah why don't guys think it's hot yeah why doesn't everyone think it's hot i'm into a camel yeah we like the gray sweat pant like dick print

Exactly. Yeah. What does camel toe mean that you have like a certain shaped pussy? Oh, here we go again. Trigger warning. Oh, Matt Rafe is so mad right now. No, he loves a camel toe because honestly, I think it's the innies that struggle with that. With the camel toes? Yeah. Oh,

Welcome to another round of Drawing Board or Miro Board. Today, we talk brainstorms with UX designer Brian. Let's go. First question. You thought you'd see everyone's idea in the team brainstorm, but you've got a grand total of one. Drawing Board or Miro Board? Drawing Board. In Miro, the team can add ideas now or later. And with Privacy Mode, we can keep them anonymous until they're good to share. Correct.

And

Welcome to another round of Boardroom or Miroboard. Today we talk retrospectives with Agile coach Maria.

Let's go. First question. You've spent two hours in a team retro, but the only input you've heard is Dave's. Boardroom or mirror board? Boardroom. In Miro, Dave can't hog the space because everyone can add thoughts anonymously, online at the same time. Correct.

Next, you need the team to act on feedback fast. So you turn all those retro notes into Jira tasks. Miro all the way. And I can assign those tasks to teammates. You're nailing this. Now, you see hundreds of sticky notes from the retro. A real mess. But you organize them into five themes in just seconds. Miro, I basically get back an entire hour when I use its AI tools for clustering.

And she's done it. For a limited time, visit miro.com slash retro now for a free business plan trial to unlock advanced retro tools like private mode, voting, and two-way jira syncing. That's miro.com slash retro now. Also...

Khloe Kardashian was like kind of the queen of the camel toe. She's famously known for her big fat, she says it, her big fat camel toe situation. Every time I comment on a Kardashian, I get no brand deals from them. No, she loved it. She was like, she owned it. That was like her brand for a little. No more of that for me. Do you know yesterday, or when I went on Howie Mandel's

shit the other day. He was asking me all about that. The Matt Rife like vagina situation. I was like imagining myself 10 years old watching Deal or No Deal. And I was like, how even though is that talking about my vagina right now? And I was like just trying to explain the lore to him and I don't think I could get through. Yeah, I got tagged. Was that like a note from his producer that he like didn't fully read through? I think he was genuinely curious which makes it even further. He did it on another podcast too. I was like, this is kind of, I just, I just,

Just choose to ignore the... Honestly, that was one of those things that you said, like what we've done today where you say it just being funny and like it becomes something that follows you. No, you're sorry. You never know. People are commenting like, howdy. People are like, beef curtains. I'm like...

What? That's wild shit. Like you're picking it up off the floor. I know, like I can tie it in a knot and it's fine. You know what? If I could. Amazing. Tying a pussy in a knot would be sick as hell. I know. Also, like, let's not walk around acting like we have, like, we don't all have uneven pussies. I say this every single time, but it's just like genitals are weird in general. And I don't know how we've gotten to a point where we...

are like critiquing genitals. Like who cares? Yeah. But then I, you know, I accidentally became this like spokesperson for the community. It's a true accident. But you know what? People don't talk about it. And I think there's probably girls who have been shamed for it before. And then they see you and they're like, she's so confident and beautiful and amazing. And I wish I had a pussy like Brooke. Well, it was just crazy. Cause I've never like, I, that was not a joke. Some of the, I didn't even talk about it.

I did get a good amount of DMs from girls being like, oh my God, I was so embarrassed about it. But I truly have never been. I've never even thought about that. Some of the hottest people like Audi vaginas are just as hot as any vagina. Because it's like flowers. And sometimes people want like a beautiful flower. I couldn't agree more. I don't understand. I had like I was going somewhere with this. Now I'm just thinking about your vagina. Well, I'm so glad. So are way too many people, to be honest. It's hot. You have a good puss.

- Yeah, it's great, honestly. I think about like, now I'm thinking like I should leak my nudes, not kidding. 'Cause I'm like, I need people to know it doesn't dangle to my knees.

But like honestly, but then I'm like, now that I'm this spokesperson, I'm like, you know what? Maybe it does dangle to my knees. And if it did, slay. Do you know Jon Hamm, how he has that photo of like his dick while he's walking? There's like a paparazzi photo and his dick looks huge. That's how I envision you do a paparazzi photo with just like two long cucumbers down your leg. Just a flap on each side. On both sides.

Oh no. No. How do we get here? How do we get here? You're talking about Howie Mandel? I don't know, but it's way too many minutes on my vagina by now. I think you should just go sit down on Howie Mandel's podcast, miniskirt, open your legs and say deal or no deal, motherfucker.

That's just me. Well, he was just trying to understand why there was drama around it. Yeah, I think he was just really confused about the whole situation. Yeah, lost. And it's like, Howie Mantel doesn't age, though, by the way. And I forget that he's almost 70. What? Probably because he's never touched anything. I know. He put his arm around my shoulder and I farted. He did?

Oh my God, don't tell Matt. He'll never have you back. I didn't know what to do. Speaking of vaginas, I do have to say I like speaking on stage to make people feel less alone about stuff. So I started this speaking of bald men, this bit about bald men and how I'm jealous of their beautiful bald head.

because I wish my pussy was that smooth. I have like really bad ingrown hairs for a long time because I was a tennis player and it would just like rub. Then I have like dark Italian hair and it just was like a night. I would go to the beach and I would be embarrassed. Yeah. We're back to us just saying things that are going to hurt. But like I want to normalize

Like razor burn. And then like ingrowns, like an ingrown hair. What is that? You have one job. Be a fucking hair. Yeah. And then it decides to like. I agree with that. Unabombed down. Yeah. And then people are shaving. And then I started angry tweezing.

Like if I get an ingrown hair, I'll just end it. It hurts so bad and I'm like screaming over my puss. And people don't talk about it enough. But I do recommend laser except once I got my perineum burned. What the heck is a perineum? It's like between the booty. Should you just call it fucking gooch or a perineum? I thought it was a perineum for a while, which is actually a flower. Like your pussy. I'm never going to escape this.

No, I talk about my uneven labia a lot. I talked about it on Trevor's pod. Now I want to like pull mine out and measure. Like guys, like men. You know what's really funny? Did you hate them? She just goes, anywho.

When we were downstairs and you started talking to me, and then when you were just talking to Aaron, I had the same thought that I like you so much because I'm a girl. But if I was a man, I would be like, I just know you rip men like a new one frequently. Like you, you probably, you might be the president of humbling men. You might really be the president. That's the nicest thing anyone ever said about me. But you know what it is? I think it's because I do love men. Yeah.

And it's like, I'm not just out here being mean. I just, I love really curious about what's going on. I like to build them up and break them down and build them up. And I, it's a kink for me. I think it's also like when I notice myself loving men too much, I have to like run that back. And like, you know what I mean? Like,

And I think humor is such like a male kind of thing because that's like we get guys from being beautiful and guys get girls from being funny and smart or whatever. So when I can out funny a guy, it like changes the power dynamic. And I think I like that. Oh, you're like big dick in him. I kind of like that. But then I also like being like, but I also can be like.

nice sometimes you know so it's like you can't put i don't want people to be able to put me in a box so the second he's like annoyed then i say something that like makes him be like oh she's cool all they need is a little validation the men at my shows they're starting to like enjoy it too much because they like attention yeah so it's a backfiring a little like more men are showing up to my shows so i have to figure something out what kind of ideas do you think you have like mostly female or is it like kind of mixed it is crazy how can i'll go from fayetteville arkansas

to like seattle washington and i'll have the same type of crowd it's crazy what is it it's all just like i'm biased but it's just like really cool smart good-looking women and boyfriends scattered throughout and like one zaddy that got lost i love one older man that got lost it's the same every show and the girls are just like the best i hope that it's the algorithm do you get do you ever get the like bitter dragged boyfriends

Those are the ones, those are my favorites. Yeah. They show up and then I win them over. But I like threw torture. Yeah. We got, I got a little too comfortable, like really shitting on the dragged boyfriends that I know there were a couple of shows where they left like pissed. Yeah.

yeah because you want them to still be in on the joke then that's like the the weird thing with crowd work because it is funny to just be me even in general podcasting like i try to not use being mean as my humor i know that's something i had to unlearn easy to be mean and get likes especially talking about other celebrities just being like yeah they fucking suck like yeah they look fucking stupid so i'm

And I think because I've gotten that attention myself where people be mean to me. So I'm like, oh, I don't want to do that to people. So it's kind of like... Well, I've had times where I'm at a stand-up show or something and someone gets like,

like called out and made fun of and there's no nothing positive about it and then I just feel so awkward after that because I'm like oh my god that person probably feels like so embarrassed and horrible then you're just a bully on stage yeah and like everyone's laughing because they're not getting bullied and that's not the vibe I want but I think I would die if I like paid to go see somebody and then they just were mean to me and nothing else

No, it's horrible. Like I look at people and just be like, you look fucking stupid and you look fucking stupid. But that's like actually like hack to me. I agree with you 100%. And I've had to really like dial back on that. I think I had an era where that was like it because it is it's low hanging fruit and people were doing it to me. And yeah, but my problem I think is like

If I went to a show of my favorite comedian, he cooked me up and down. Like, I would love it. Like, I do have a weird mean kid. Yeah, I guess if like Theo Vaughn called me like fugly, I'd be like, oh my God, I want to fuck you so bad. Well, because it's how they do it. Because you already like them. Yeah. But if it's just like a random person being fucking douchey. Yeah, true. You're like, fuck you. Yeah, you're like, oh, fuck yourself. That's true. Yeah. And crowd work is a lot of like, yeah, asking questions and...

It's contextual. It matters who it's coming from and why. Yeah. I have the mic, so I'm in control. So it's fun. When you tour with Giggly Squad, do you guys do like crowd work then? We do sometimes, but we have this thing like we'll bring dudes on stage. Talk to me. We need help. We'll bring dudes on stage. We just steal her whole show. I will. I highly recommend bringing guys on stage because they don't want to necessarily be there. So it's like fun. Yeah.

And everybody's like, they're too excited to be there. It like ruins it. That's a fun bit. If we brought one of the boyfriends on the stage at the end and was like, what did you learn? That's funny. That is funny. So we'll do, I do some like hand on the street shit with the guys. And then we do do Q and a, cause a show is not a Ted talk. Yeah. Like it's actually a dance. It's really an experience between them and you. Like they're so part of the show too. So yeah, it's like,

You want to put yourself in everyone's shoes. And also like I get bored with myself talking too much. Yeah. And that's the point. Like if they wanted to just watch the podcast, they could just watch the podcast. It's a party. So it's like, yeah, what keeps the energy up? And that's how we try to like get the show measured. So wherever there's like low energy, be like, OK, let's switch this. So it stays like high energy.

and you would just have, have, and like, if you have fun, they have fun. You're two sons. It's so funny. Cause we've asked everyone under the sun for advice, people who tour people who, whatever. And everyone's like, just go out there and kill it. You're the only person who's actually like not sending us into this world tour blind. And,

And I appreciate you so much. Just be yourself. I'm like, who? First of all, don't know who that is. That's a loaded, loaded question. Yeah, wait, what? Because it's so different than a live show. So different than a podcast. Yeah, it's completely different. But also when you remember that, like, oh,

We don't... People don't get to see you physically and it's such like a rush and it's so fun. Then you're kind of like, we're all here just like partying. Yeah. And keeping it up and having a good time. I know I shouldn't be like so nervous, but like... Because we literally already did it. You've been doing it. But I think it's just like so scary because this one feels so much bigger. It does feel bigger and it's...

I don't think it's necessarily... At least for me. That I'm feeling nervous. It's pressure. Like, when people pay to come sit down and watch you, like, I want to give them the best show. That's exactly what it is. I just feel, like, guilt almost. Like, if somebody leaves and they're, like, unhappy with it, I'm like, oh, my God. Yeah. Especially when you put your all into it. But also, like...

you guys did not trick anyone to buy tickets. That's what I try to tell myself. Like you didn't force people. This is not a multi-level marketing scheme. You didn't twist their arm. They wanted to see you and you're going to give them your best. And a lot of that's like the mindset you have to have. And you have to remember that it's, especially on Reddit and especially like on Twitter and like all that shit. It's crazy.

cool. It's attention grabbing to say, I went here and had a bad experience. Yeah. And even if you absolutely give it your all, you do the entire time on stage, you're telling shit that's not on the podcast. You're telling your deepest, darkest secret. There's going to be someone. Yeah. Occasionally that, you know, wants the attention of, you know, and I'm not saying that's every case, but.

But there's also the thing with if you have that mentality, it's like stand up. Sometimes they say like, don't focus on the one person that looks like their arms are crossed. They don't want to be there. You can't go in being like, who's the one person who wants to shit on me on Reddit? Yeah. You have to go in with the mentality of like, I hope as many people have fun and I can't control. Yeah. Yeah. Little things. I'm like, you know what? I need to just get off. No, for sure. Well, you know, your mental health and you know. I know, but.

You know, they say it's like a car crash. Like you want to stop your car and look at it. Yeah. Like, did you need to? Especially if you're not the one in the car. Do you ever have a hole in your underwear and your vagina is like kind of hanging out of it? Like, no, not me. Mine doesn't hang anywhere. Yeah. Hang was crazy after that whole talk. But what if you could what if you got it? You YouTube the labiaplasty.

I could. But I don't even think mine's there yet. Like, I think it's like, I think, well, cause you, I think, I think it's like your vagina ages. Yeah. What if I've just been like me? Like just, I just want to be attention. I, I know a couple of girls who have gotten it, but like, I think you have to, it has to be like really out for you to, no one has to get that. What do they do? They cut. They literally cut it off. We know a girl. You don't care about the girls. You know a girl.

I feel like it looks like... I know who you're talking about, actually. But I just... It's like, why? Charcuterie board then after? Like, I don't... Yeah, well, they just... I'm just envisioning prosciutto. They just turned it into a tiny little coin slot butt crack. I would want to, like, keep the rest as, like, an earring or something. Put it on an earring. I saw this girl on TikTok take her boyfriend's, like, dread and make it a keychain. And I've been begging my boyfriend to do that and he won't say yes. Your boyfriend doesn't have dread. No, but, like, his curls. Like, I want to, like...

He's had braids before. Cut it off. Braids are not. Wait, OK. Just no, just just. Oh, I like that because then if you break up, you could voodoo him.

Yeah. Are you into that? Like witchcraft? Like would you like? I support it. I support it. I stand with the witches for sure. I think that shit is so cool. One more thing about pussies is that things are trendy. Like what if like next year it's like every porn star is the girl with like Audis in different ways. Our like favorite porn star, like one of our good friends. Literally, I'm not kidding. You could put a side by side and it's identical. And I'm like, why doesn't anyone say anything about hers?

Because Audis are beautiful. Yeah, that's what I think. She has the best vagina ever. I don't have any friends who are porn stars. Really? Yeah, they're not in New York. Aw, man. Yes, they are. But the New York ones are so grunge and different. And she's on *** too. Yeah, is she? Yeah. I love that. Yeah. She's a fan of the podcast. I need to miss ***. What's her name? ***.

And she's like, she's got huge natural tits. She's literally perfect. She's the hottest person alive. She's the perfect person. I'm in love with her. And she made a pocket pussy. Like, she like literally took a mold of her vagina. That's what you have to do. So honestly, buy hers. That's what you have to do. I would love to do that. I would love to just do the mold of it all. I don't want to sell one. Maybe I do have to do that so that I can like kind of clear my name, honestly. I would love nothing more than to mold your puss. I think I'm going to do that. Maybe for tour merch.

That's, it's incredible. I think it's a process. You know, like Georgia O'Keeffe would do paintings of flowers and it was like, really cool. That's really gonna say Georgia O'Keeffe. What a reference. Should I have, should I commission it? You should have a commission art and that would be like, f***ing D. So down to paint that. I support vagina. Have you guys ever had a seizure? Either one of you? No, my friend did. She like, loved attention. Like a big me. Yeah.

That's something I would have faked as a kid for attention. No, I mean, she actually did love attention, but afterwards it was, you know, it was so scary. It was like a, I think she was taking a certain,

that was mixing with the wrong thing and it was like so dangerous. - Oh, that's terrifying. I had a dog that had seizures. I know that's not the same thing. - Like multiple times? - Oh, all the time. It was so sad. - Your dog was an attention seeker? - She was. - She's like, "I'm hungry." - What happened? Like it would just look like someone was like zapping? - No, she just would all of a sudden just like seize it. It was so sad. - Oh, baby. - Rip. - Hazel. - We inherited her from my dead grandpa.

Speaking of rip of dogs, I was talking about this yesterday and it just like, it came to my mind. I haven't talked about it in a long time. Do you know that I had a childhood dog? Her name was Lily and she was so cute. She was a shit too. She was such a slay. She was there for like all of my life. And then she was such a fucking slay. Lily, that bitch. I can make her sing and she'd go, um, and she got like a cold or like some sickness that is like,

very much like you take it to the vet and it's like fine like a cream or like a like you know what i mean i don't remember what it was oh and your dad put him down my dad just went and put the dog down and came home with like groceries like yeah i got milk i got eggs and i put the dog down i was talking about that yesterday and i was like that is so that's all your problems i was just gonna say like i was thinking about that yesterday i was like that had to have fucked me up more than i'm like do you ever think about that like i feel like shit didn't fuck me up

Like genuinely. I'm like, I feel like I was really sad at the time. Obviously I like stopped and like revolted. And like, I've shit that happened to me. That's fucked up. And I'm like, you didn't fuck me up. Me too. But then something like much like smaller, if you're like really thinking about it will like tear my life apart.

And then is that, is it manifested? Like I had no issue with my parents. Like literally one week situation will fuck you up so much more than a four year relationship. That's so true. Like a man tells me to chill and I'm scream crying, but it's really about like Lily and that's the thing. I think a lot of like what we, cause I was like that too. I was always like, people would be like, you're not affected. I'm like, I really wasn't. But then now it's like reflected in like the way that I act and, and handle situations. Or like real trauma. You like create good coping mechanisms. Yeah.

Wait, this is adorable. Coping mechanisms. It's like Bigfoot and a little girl. So you're not basing. You're not like dealing with this straight on and you know how to deal with it. So when little things happen, you're not getting coping mechanisms. Yeah. I just saw a really traumatizing documentary. What was it? It's called Chowchilla. It's actually not a good documentary. Chowchilla? Chowchilla. Did you see it? It's like when all the bitches after Coachella that were starving to death.

Sorry. The documentary people have to watch is Mother of God. What's the one where she turns silver? Mother God. It's really fucking good. This woman leads a cult through the spirit of Robin Williams. I would fall every time. You have to watch

Mother God. I'm watching it tonight. And then American Nightmare just came out on Netflix, which is about kidnapping. I just watched that. It's really fucking good. I just watched that. Because Gone Girl is like one of my favorite movies, which says so much about me. But it is an amazing movie. Such a good movie. This is the documentary. What documentary was I recommending? Chowchilla. Oh, Chowchilla. It talks about these children that got kidnapped at a young age.

And they ended up getting found, but they ended up using these kids as research of like what childhood trauma actually does to you. And they try to say the kidnappers shouldn't be arrested for the rest of their life because there was no physical harm. And they basically followed these children. They were like six years old when this happened. And it shows them like at 45 with like serious addiction problems and like suicide and all this stuff.

Because of a six-year-old kidnapping. That was super traumatic, but they tried to argue like none of the kids got hurt. How interesting. Have you seen like the things where people get kidnapped and then they want to stay with the people who kidnapped because it's like that's all they know. That's their parent.

No, but not even in like a, well, yeah, I guess kind of. But I've seen like someone who got kidnapped, but the parent just raised the kid like completely normally. As a good, amazing parent, the kid was in sports, everything. Like they just couldn't have their own kids. I saw that. And then like when the parents found him, the kid's like, this is my mom. Like I'm staying. It's also a coping mechanism. So you don't have to admit like the fuckery that went down. God, imagine how, have you seen three identical strangers? Yeah.

No, but I need to watch it. It's so interesting. Have you? It's like literally three triplets who like randomly find each other in like later in life. And it turns out that they were all separated at birth. Like,

into different families of different socioeconomic like backgrounds stances so that they can they could measure like how differently they grow up but they all had exactly the same quality same hobbies same everything yeah like a social experiment yeah but the kids all ended up going to this or two of them ended up at the same college and they like ran into each other and were like you look just like me and then it was on the news and then the third one was like

There I am. And so there were three of them and it was like a whole thing, but they all like had a lot of trauma. And the birth parents did that as an experiment? Well, the mom had given them up and she didn't know that they were separated.

And so it was the agency that she had like given the kids like they decided to do that. And they had they'd they'd come in like months apart and like ask the kids questions and stuff as like an experiment. But nobody knew. Oh, my God. It's so crazy. You guys have to watch. I'm not sleeping. Having three kids and being like, actually, never mind. Yeah. I'm not pregnant. And like like it was like I think it was like a one night stand. And then it's three. Oh, my. Oh, my God.

Anyway, so yeah, I don't know if I want to have kids. Completely understandable. Well, you have a lot of time. No, I think I am going to have kids. I would love for, I just think it's like, our kid is going to be so fucking sarcastic and annoying. Like we joke, our kid's going to be a monster. Yeah. Like, so that's, but like in the cutest way, but like, yeah, you always have a little responsibility. What'd you say? Did you talk back to mom? I know I'm going to get like a Northwest, like my, my own punishment.

You know what I mean? Like my own humbling. No, I'm going to get a Northwest too. Yeah, I will. Yeah, I will. But it's my it's our learning journey. What does Kim say? She's my lesson. Yeah, exactly. If my mom called me a lesson, I'd ruin her.

No, I know. That's a, like, you can't say that. And then the other two are not less than she's like, and they're perfect. Well, but I mean, I know she's like shy as my little princess. Think about how Northwest is like, sup ugly. Like, that's why I'm less than I'd be lying to get some other shit. We don't speak to people like that, Northie. Shut up, bitch. I love her.

She's like emphysema is acting up today. I don't have emphysema. I just I'm sorry. You just like saying emphysema. I love saying emphysema. It's fun. I like saying emphysema too. You guys. I've got to stop saying words. I've got to stop saying words that I don't know on this podcast. We should do word of the week where we learn a word and its actual definition. I'm with that. And then we use it in a sentence properly. It's just like there. Yeah. I used to have like a screensaver that was like that and I was learning a lot.

It's good. The good old days. Now it's just Reddit notification. I know. I'm not stimulated enough. I think I would be a lot smarter if I just put my time into things that mattered. Dude. Couldn't agree more. She goes, tomorrow I'm reading the dictionary. Like at night how I just like I get like so high I'm on a nebula and then I play like cut the rope for like two hours. They say getting high adds to your anxiety. I'm sorry. That was so fucked up to say. But I'm trying to spread the word of Jesus. I...

Wonder. I don't know. I mean, maybe it does. For sure it does. Sometimes. That's just what I heard. I don't know. I get panicked. I get paranoid. It does make me really anxious, but some people get like so used to it and then it starts being like...

It's strange how it can have like the complete opposite effect. Like some people do it for anxiety and some people it gives anxiety. Yeah. Yeah. For me, I like really, it depends on the strain. And I know that sounds like such a, it depends on the strain. She told me, she goes, yeah. And I was like smoking flour. And I was like, what did you just say? She was like, she's like flour. And she's like, everyone says that. Nobody says that. It's like when you're actually smoking like actual weed, it's called flour. Everyone says that Brooke. Yeah. Maybe in your circle. Yeah.

I fear she ate. I fear she ate. She was like, this too.

She ate, I fear. You're not wrong. You're not wrong about that. That's what the kids are saying, bro. I'm really, I've noticed, I've always noticed this. We've talked about this a lot and I'm going to just sound like a broken record if I don't really act on it. But like you are who you surround yourself with. And lately I just. We're learning. We've been eliminating people. Yeah. Like America's Next Top Model. I'm like, I have nine idiots before me and only eight of you will make it to the next. No, Paige and I always talk like getting older is,

You have just fewer friends each year in the most like beautiful way. Yeah. And it's it's great. Because your energy is everything. You know, I thought about it the other day because I was thinking like if I were to get married right now, who would my bridesmaids be? And I'm I can tell I haven't met a couple of them yet.

No, I love it for you. You know what I mean? I think girls try to have more girlfriends because they think if I, they don't have a boyfriend, like if I get married tomorrow, I need enough bridesmaids. It doesn't fucking matter. At all. I'd have two before I have some bitch up there that I don't want. No, literally.

but I know I can tell like in my head there's like three empty slots that I still need to fill and then you're gonna pity give one to someone no no I think I just I can tell like I know that like some well if you think about it like I have friends like right now that I've met only in the past couple years and I can't imagine my life without them think about how many people you're gonna meet like next year the year after that that are like forever you're you're right like when it's like that's how it is with relationships like you meet someone you're like I fuck with you and that's how it is with friends you just like immediately know yeah um

I was thinking the other day, like my boyfriend said something about like, had I met him like a long time ago and I was really thinking to myself, like how do you, I wouldn't want you to meet me two years ago. Like, I don't like, I care about you so much that I, you know what I mean? Like I want to protect you from my former self. Not kidding at all. Like you would have hated me. And, and I just, I, you deserve better than whoever that was. And like the same thing with friends almost. Like, I feel like, yeah,

You know, like I had friends for certain eras of life. Yeah, there are friends that are literally ready. I'm not four phases. Well, I think in your 20s, you have your party friends, which like that fucking fades real quick. Yeah, we're phasing those ones out now. Because then when you need them, they're not there for you. And then that's the most, the bigger friend groups have the most drama because you all feed off of the good gossip. And then you should have seen our group chat this morning.

morning like that's some but that's like your 20s that shit is fun i love i'm like i'm in my elderly 30s but like it's true and and you think that you're weird if you don't have a lot of friends it's a thing it's like oh people like me i have a lot of friends and then you realize oh more friends is not necessarily good yeah and then that whole like rap shit like keep my circle small like i fuck with that like i identify with whatever drake says like i think that shit is

He is my Oprah. I get that. I forget who said it to me one time, but someone said travel light through life. Like it was as applied to like literally having too many physical things. Yeah. But I feel like it that way about friends. Especially when you're a chaser, like when you're a dream chaser, the more people who are in your ear about shit is sometimes so negative. And like, yeah, it can be. It's like, yeah, because I'm also easily like I listen. Yeah.

too much and you know deep down like also that's your 20s actually taylor thompson has a funny joke like you don't have a gut like you're still skinny and you don't you so you have nothing to listen to in your 20s but like you start to get a gut and then you start like you listen to your gut and you start feeling psychic and shit like you start being like i knew that person was off

I knew that wasn't going to work. And then your 30s, you cut the, well, your 20s, you're researching. Yeah. Your 20s. Oh my God, I can't wait to do some stupid shit and be like, I was researching. That's what I called dating. I was researching. It's so real. I was researching hockey players. I was researching. I was researching barbacks. I was really researching chlamydia. For real. Everyone gets it. Normalize. Normalize chlamydia. Do you know Tana's the only one in the room who hasn't had chlamydia?

Well, actually, I've never asked Aaron. You fucking prude ass bitch. And the problem is that we know it's not even that it's not. I think that you know what? I think I haven't had minuscule STDs. And one day I'm just going to get hit with a honker and I'm going to magic Johnson my way to the canceled podcast.

it could it's okay do you think kind of like your um um audi vagina thing that magic johnson one day was just like i have aids and then like you know what i mean like it just like like like do you think you just compare it to having no no but how he's like the spokesperson for aids like you did no did like do you think oh like i just became like the audi um like do you think magic johnson knew that he was gonna be like

mr aids like forever is he mr aids i didn't even know he had aids what i don't even know what he does he played basketball yeah yeah can we just promise that not even one more time it comes back to my audi vagina no she did i know but we were done and you brought it no i brought up chlamydia i think i'm not gonna stop pointing fingers i'm not gonna we're gonna wait i brought up chlamydia i'm just kidding

Anywho. I promise you. Anywho is my word at the desk. I love it. That's how you transition everything. I don't know. I have a lot of like little grandma sayings that I've been saying lately. Like she, I'll be like. You always have. You always have said ready spaghetti to me and I love that about you. I got it from my grandma. My grandma always said like little, well, grandma things. Yeah. But I love when you say things like that. I think it's really cute. It's wholesome. Yeah. Can I just say, I think, and I might be going out on a limb here, yo, but this is-

Okay, keep going. I don't know. I just say shit. I think this is my favorite episode of the Canceled Podcast to date. I honestly really love it. I think it's because, like you said, when we walked in, it was just like so delirious. So we're all so tired. But I've literally described it as like, you know, a long day and you're like, I'm not going to talk to anyone. Then your friend FaceTimes you and you're like,

Okay, and then three hours go by and you're like, okay, that was really fun. Yeah, I agree 100%. That's the vibes right now and I love it. Like we've never touched feet on the pod. No, you guys are like connected. You know what was so sweet was when she tied her shoe and then she came back. I didn't see that. I feel like it's like when a couple gets a threesome for them to like spice up their own relationship. That's what just happened. That's what this is. You're my favorite guest. You really are. Stop. I love you guys so much. I love you because we had no reason like...

to connect and it just happened. No, we had a reason. Are you kidding? I saw you posting your cat. We had no reason. That's literally how we, like, I'm not kidding. I think I DM'd you and I was like, I love your cat or something. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's sweet. Not kidding. I don't know. I don't know. You just showed up one day and I was like, I hope she never leaves. Oh,

Like not getting at all. And then I've just been like following you guys on social media. Just be like, oh, those are my best friends are in LA. I'm not actually kidding. I feel the same way about you. You're such a big inspiration. I just everything you say, I swear to God, you are my Gandhi. You are really trying to be like comedy adjacent these days. I want to be just like you, Hannah Burner. I want to wear your shoes. I fuck with you guys so much because you're like, you're both comedically so good. You really are. That is so nice. And you're so funny and you're so yourselves. And I love your friendship and I love you.

I just love you. I really do. And like genuinely, I appreciate how much you've always acknowledged us in comedy and stuff, because I think that's where we want to go completely. Like, yeah, I love all the influencer shit and whatever. But like that's I hope I'm doing stand up when I'm like 50. And that's why I like someone. Eventually, I already told her I want her to be my little coach because I keep talking about my thing is, though, it feels so different to me than like what we're already doing. So it isn't that it is so different.

It's so different. It's but it's also intimidating with like the traditional space. But like, yeah, you guys are the the next like comedy creators like Whitney Cummings. And I were literally talking about this. She's like this next generation of like hilarious YouTuber podcasting. Like that's the next generation. And for women like you're not going to comedy clubs at midnight every night. Like that's not.

It's just like weird dynamics. But I feel like comics like don't take that seriously. I feel like they resent it kind of because it's like I had to do all this. Except for the two of you though. Well, no, but then when then you eventually do get on stage, but you're selling and you're doing your hour and you figure it at the end of the day, it's not about who respects you. It's is the audience laughing? Yeah. It's so true. They decide if you're good or not. That's so true. And also comedy. Let's stop taking it so seriously. Yeah, true. It's just like it's if it made someone laugh and it made them forget about their problems for a second, like I'm happy. Yeah.

you're so smart we're in such a fucking corn hole no you're perfect no i loved it how long have you been in la not like like this week 36 hours 36 hours for how long have you been in la no just this trip this trip this trip i got in on like late monday so tuesday went

No, it got on late Tuesday. So Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and I leave tomorrow at 7 a.m. to go to Reno. Oh my God. Reno is such a sad place. I know. Oh my God. It's a casino. I'm doing a casino gig. Yeah. And then I'm going to Lake Tahoe for the first time. That's fun. Lake Tahoe is beautiful. And I'm going to Aspen for the first time for shows. Oh, wait, how fun. Lake Tahoe and Aspen are beyond fun. I literally booked it so my husband would come because he likes to ski, which is...

Don't get me started about skiing. Talk about it. Can I? Yes. I would love for you to talk about skiing. I have so many thoughts. And I'm an athlete. I'm a division one athlete. Skiing, and I didn't grow up skiing. I didn't grow up skiing. Just breadcrumbing. I don't understand the art of skiing. Because first of all, you can't win at it. What are we doing? Then you're just going down an icy hill, possibly to die, and then

You don't even get a gold medal. You just have to do it again. And you're freezing. You feel the same way about snowboarding, obviously, then, yeah. Yeah, and skateboarders have like a... Skateboarders have an attitude problem.

Skateboarders are like, what are you overcompensating for? Yeah. I'm always like, don't skateboard towards me. The only board I want coming towards me is a charcuterie board. So I don't fuck with skiing and it's freezing. Yeah. And then like the...

I can't tell if you guys are on my side or not yet. No, I'm fully on your side. I've never even seen snow. I've never agreed with something more in my entire life. I'll get into it. But I just feel like the girls are getting tricked because like the aesthetic and then the guys will be like, oh, let's go on a trip skiing. And then you go, you, it's fucked. I broke my hand skiing last year. Well, yeah, that's what I was going to say is there's too many like people who snapped their femur for me to feel like that's something I want to do. It's not worth the high of like going down the mountain is not worth like what could happen. And it looks so safe. It looks.

It looks so fun and cute, but also it's fucking freezing. And then if you're scared of heights, you have to get on these like... And you just jump off. You don't... It like brings you back down. But like there's just so many things that for someone who likes that shit, I totally get it. But I feel like the average person rolls up like, let's do a ski weekend. And then they're like in their nightmare. Yeah. No, no. I will never ski. I don't need my legs on two separate things like that as well. I think it's just something I want to be good at to be good at. Like, well, maybe that's like...

the need for validation but I like I want like a man to think I'm good at snowboarding no that's what I did my husband like you should stop pretending to like things for men when you're married I didn't I'm learning he goes he made me do lessons in the morning then I get lunch and then I have to show him what I learned no

And I love this shit. This is my king. Cause I'm like, I'm athletic. Like love me daddy. And then I just was like, this is not fun for me. And I can't do it anymore. And you're like a bitch by the end of that day. I cried the whole time. Yeah. I cried the whole time. Then I'm never going. Cause I trust your judgment. No, for sure. But you should go and like, yeah, get hot chocolate. Maybe do a bunny hill. You don't have to. And also this is the fucked up thing about skiing. To control the skis, you have to lean forward.

down towards the hill so but you naturally want to lean back because you're scared and that's how you fall and then the most fucked up thing with skiing look at me just trying to cancel skiing right now you're doing it the most fucked up thing is that there's no way to safely fall like you know yeah that's why everyone breaks their little legs like snowboarding can be on like your butt exact so like skiing once you hit a curve or something bad happens you're

You leave it to God. You just hope that you fall the right way. Like I fell on my hands and I broke my hand. You, you,

you just hope you don't hit a fucking tree. And snow seems so sweet. And then you're bringing your hand on snow. And then we were adjusting the trees. Why would we, who was like, you know what would make us more fun? Having trees there that people could just concuss themselves into. Yeah, no, absolutely not. You will never see me on a pair of skis. Bears? Didn't like Gwyneth Paltrow or someone like hurt someone on a ski? Yeah. That's funny. But it was iconic. Yeah, didn't she like run someone over and then she like sued, wait, what was that? He sued her for like hitting him a little. But yeah,

Everyone's skiing together. So we're all fighting for our life and trying not to hit each other. Suing someone for that is so mean. It's just crazy. But I will say like if I got hit on skis and it was like Steve Jobs or something, I'd be like...

this scratch is gonna get infected 100 absolutely we'll call that the ipod nano scratch like that's insane that is i i feel that i think the snow is so stupid i will just say you'll never see me i will die and you will never see me on a pair of skis or any of that and i want to let you know that your gut is right and i

And I know that. Dude, so I'm dating this guy right now that all he does is, like, he's the most athletic person I've ever met. Snowboard, surfboard, skateboard. And he's like, babe, try it. And I'm like, no, no, no. You're going to surf and I'm going to park my ass in the sand. I'm going to watch. You're going to snowboard. I'm going to have a hot chocolate and watch. You have boundaries. Because I'm a people person. I'll be like, I'll learn and do with you. Because I want to be a fun girlfriend. No, I want to try everything. But I just get hurt and I cry. And then it's everyone's problem. And it's like, I know I'm not going to be. You make it up.

Absolutely. That's one thing about me. If I get her, I'm, I am not keeping it to myself. All of our days are ruined. Everyone's day is ruined. Like completely every scene. And it's like, and I'm just going to be such a mean, I get really mean when I'm doing something that someone's teaching me to do that. I don't want to do that. You're making, and everyone, you should have seen me putting on her on a horse the other week. I get, I get really mean. I'm serious. I like I, the last time I showed her ice skate, I like made three people cry. Yeah.

i'm not that's not a joke you turned into simon cowell i worse like because it's like i think people have this complex with me where i'm like no i don't want to do that and they like beg me to do it and then they think they're gonna win me over and i'm so stubborn that i'm like fuck you i'm gonna make this hell for you yeah you wanted to fucking try to prove a point absolutely the fuck not i think at that point she starts being bad on purpose just to like be right even if she's having fun she's like i fucking hate this i honestly like i'm not even

gonna disagree with you I just think that like when I say no I don't want to do some shit and someone gets me to do it unless it's like some chill shit you know like painting but like if it's like when the physicality comes into it like can we paint more I know I bought watercolor paints no one wants to do it you didn't ask everyone sounds like

I brought it up the other night. Nobody asked me to watercolor paint. No one asked me. I asked you. I want to learn to play tennis. Maybe you'll be my tennis coach. Oh, I'll teach you guys tennis. Tennis is sick. I've been watching Breakpoint on Netflix. So good. I'm so into it. Tennis is ****. I can't be on tennis. Tennis is so **** on the ground. Which is so annoying because when I was a tennis player, it wasn't ****.

really it wasn't cool we needed like somebody to play tennis is just not fun because like if you suck at it it's just like what's the fun in this no but i love teaching people because then i feel like you're indebted to me forever because i gave you a talent that is exactly you feel connected to someone like no other like if i can get you to understand how to do something and then you have fun with it then you look at me and you go she's a god yeah i fully i also come from a family of teachers so i love teaching people yeah my grandpa who died he's a he was a gym teacher

and like a chill one i never had a good gym teacher he was that kind of gym teacher in movies that was like getting kids out of jail putting them on the basketball team in brooklyn new york in the 70s and getting them to like graduate school and like have confidence in himself like he was that guy i really got chills no literally i'll cry talking about him i hope you know that your grandpa just moved me and if that makes you grandpa jerry shut up jerry

My husband would be so mad at me right now. What's the Hannah stop? He's like, so you go on canceled and you talk about your grandpa the whole fucking time. We need to get down to the husband. Do you think he's jealous of your grandpa? Do you think like deep down it's like the love and adoration and like missing him? He's like, you only like one older man. Yeah. And it's me.

Do you think maybe that's why you wanted an older man to emulate? Maybe you were filling a void. Possibly. I wanted an older man because I, like, respected his mind. Yeah. That's really true. And, like, peanut brains are just, like, you get bored with them eventually. That's true. I haven't respected, like, pretty much, like, the last 10 people I've been with. But you know what? Yeah.

Sometimes that's like to protect yourself because if you respect them, that means that you have to be like vulnerable. I agree. Yeah. And you might not want to do that. Yeah. You're not ready. Yeah. I don't think so. You're protecting your heart. Every time I've ever respected someone, I got so much trauma out of that shit that it was like, God damn. No.

I know. That's why I would go for emotionally unavailable guys because I was emotionally unavailable. And that was fun for a while. I'm in my first relationship where I respect someone in a long time. And it is scary. It's scary. It's like you care about their opinion. Yeah. You ask for their advice. Yeah. And you want to be like so good that it's like that scary too. You feel empathy towards them. Oh my God. All this shit is crazy. Unhealthy. Who would have thought? I agree. Empathy is crazy.

not in her it's bad laughing

You know what we should do? Next time we do Canceled, we all take a melatonin. Oh my God. Do you know I almost pitched that we like smoke weed or something before this episode. Imagine if we all did like mushrooms or something. Like how much we already have laughed. Because it's like late. It's like, I mean, East Coast time. I'm still in East Coast time. It's like 1 a.m. for me. No, it's 10.51 p.m. Oh wow. This is us partying. Not kidding. And I love that. I love that. If we had been in a bar right now, we would not have connected like this. At all.

I am so I'm finally fully out of my party phase. And it's like the first couple of times I went sober too, I was still trying to do those things.

things and it was like but like be sober at those things and i was like this is not a perfect way for you transition to be sober because you're gonna get a crazy high from performing and you do feel like you're socializing you're like let's get cute let's play some pre-game music go out see people you'll get that high yeah i'm bad at the the social keeping my battery as batteried without drinking obviously but yeah i'm still like working through that and it's like

I said this, like, I know that whenever I'm sober, it makes me realize the shit I don't like. And it's really nice to just cut it out. And like that, like, I'm just saying no left and right to shit. Fuck your birthday. Fuck your fucking. Birthdays are made up. Trigger warning. Trigger warning. No, the parties, like the partying, the party. Oh, yeah. Also, you're not. Don't.

tell yourself you have FOMO because like you've already done it. You've had that night a hundred times. And also when you have a boyfriend, it's different. No, but that, even that I've realized that completely. We've talked about that a lot. FOMO went away. I'm like, I, there's, I always think like I will have the chance to do this again. Do you know what I remember in my twenties, those moments where you don't want to go out and you force yourself to go out your thirties. That's like not a thing.

Yeah. I'm like, I'm good at not doing it now because when I get there, I'm like, I should have stayed home. And now I just, I believe myself. Yeah. I'm like, you're not going to have fun there. Go to bed. Yeah. Yeah. But it is just like, yeah, listening to what you want to do.

you're literally tony robbins listen to what you want to do period if you did a ted talk i think it would be the most amazing thing should i do a fake ted talk that you should actually makes no sense but really confidently and see who's like this is people do that a lot of people i think that's just every you know how many people like yeah how many motivational speakers just like fucking make things up and everybody's like yes

Like, you could just take a Pinterest thing, be good looking, and, like, market it the right way. And people are like... And just filler words. They are a guru. They are a filler word. You just have to be, like, a little charismatic. Honestly, it was between...

like life coach ripoff and stand-up comedian. I'm glad I took that path. Yeah, that's fair. That's really, really fun. Because anyone, or cult leader, a little bit of charm and humor, you could be a cult leader. I'm starting to think that a cult leader is like my future. I told her, I feel like I would fall into a cult really easily. Like the sense of community. I agree with you. That was so beautiful. No, I really mean it. I would fall for a cult because I...

I like am trusting, but I don't like too many group activities. So I'd be like, actually, I don't like holding hands. That's why I would fall for a couple. Do you think there's ones with like less responsibility?

I would never fall for a cult because I'm actually like really close with my mom. And like the second thing they do is they say, you can't talk to your parents. And I'd have to call my mom and be like, hey, they said I can't talk to you. And she'd be like, absolutely not. I'd be like, my mom says I can't talk to her. My mom said I can't come. My mom said that but she would save me from the cult. Like I'd get in and my mom would have to show up and be like,

I'm gonna save my daughter and she'll be like Hannah what the fuck was that and I was like I got confused the guy was tall I don't know fuck you're so funny you're so good I can't believe this is your fourth podcast

Yeah, you slept. You just sat here and absolutely devoured. You just came here, took a shit on this couch. You're about to fucking leave. Your hand will fucking burn. It's the chemistry. It's the energy that you guys provide to this space. But I know you were this good. You do this to everyone. That is one thing I know. You make everyone feel as at home as we feel with you, don't you? No. I want everyone to like me, but I don't like them back the way I like you guys. But I just... What? What?

was that fucked up no i love no no no i don't like anyone but well yeah i do you're a cat yeah she just thought of one person she was actually my grandpa i don't really have that many people i don't like but when i don't like someone everyone knows about it and i make it everybody's problem like poor girl she has like three friends that i like despise and i can't ever let her hear the end of it it's okay is there like a legit reason they did something never that okay

So she doesn't have to pick sides. It's a vibe. It's a vibe I get. It's me trusting my gut. Okay. So they don't have beef with you. No. Well, no. Yeah. No. But you and your heart of hearts...

know that they're destined for it. Do you think they're going to be wrong for her eventually? Like she'll find it eventually. Well, because one of them just fell off for her and I'm like, yes. Oh, but you're saying this like they didn't just fall off for you a couple months before me. It's not like it's been like a year gap. No, I've hated this girl forever. Oh my God. Yeah, we have to get drinks and like the fuck do you want to listen to me? I want social security numbers. I want all that shit. Oh, I'm so fucking down. I will air out everyone. Because I don't know anything about

the LA peoples but I think also like I even all like the influencers or people I could tell you hey I'm really trying to transition out of that like I like I want my friends to be in comedy I want my friends to be people who can give me business advice that I want I want all of that like I'm mostly like normal friends these days and I'm loving it absolutely yeah that's good yeah like just the whole influencer scary no more talent yeah except for you

yeah and like talent's a strong word talent is a fucking strong word yeah it's a strong word that i use on you thank you babe i love you you guys just heard it a little it's hot we did she gave me a look up and i said hey have you ever been lesbian no it's just so insane it's so surprising to me for some reason no because i'm so gay like i'm the straightest gay girl ever ever i'm just like i'm i've

I've just always... All I care about is walking around and dudes. That's just... I can't help it. And I feel like I'm going to die and never know what's like to hook up with a girl. It gunned to my head as Hannah Burner munched box. Why would I say munched box? Nobody knows. I know. And I'm an athlete. I've had best friends who were gay. I love the gay community. You do give me pretty gay energy. I'm going to be honest. I mean, definitely, I think...

masculine what's it called characteristics yeah but no I just never like emotionally cared about

about a girl or like had a crush on a girl. But I, I mean, I want all the girlies to love me. Yeah. But like, I love what you're saying. That's like, it's like a horrible thing. It's like, it's like, it's not cool to not be gay. I think, yeah. Like in New York City, it's like, you're straight. Don't tell people that. Yeah. Don't. Yeah. But yeah, I like, I love lesbians because I think that they've paved the way for straight women.

in stand-up in politics in so many things because they don't care what that's so true it's kind of it was kind of like a medium for sure and i think i am i am ellen i'm just kidding but she did still like push the boundaries for stuff and i think yeah just kidding it's not a coincidence i'm in stand-up and i have male characteristics to myself because it

it took kind of, yeah. I mean, it was an entirely fuck in a way, male dominated industry until, I mean, and it still is in so many ways, but like, I feel like the last, what, like six, seven years is like the most that you could even say. I like to say that I, my kink is disrupting male spaces. That's put that on a shirt. So I don't even know what that truly means, but that's what I want to do. I don't know what I'm going to start saying. It sounded fun. I'm going to just start saying that. And like, I just like going to places that women aren't welcome and being like,

What's up? I agree with that. And then like it works out like it's not a it's just like pushing the boundaries a little. I agree. Because women can do a lot of cool things. And all men should die. You're so inspirational. That sounded sarcastic, but it wasn't. I love you guys. We love you. One more thing. Do you eat long lip pussies?

I'm going to kill myself. Cut out every long labia joke, all the callbacks, and that'll be great. Just joking. I'm owning it. It's my Magic Johnson needs. There has to be some kind of cute merch that says something like long lips. We're trying. Well, my tagline was God left the tag on when he was saying it negatively, and we kind of want to reclaim it and make some merch. Is he going to sue us? Honestly, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to talk to you. What the fuck? Just bleep it. God, we can't stop talking about it. Just bleep it. Bleep his name. That's funny. That's funny if that, just that whole sentiment right there. It's so clear, but we bleep it. That's funny. Can we start calling him Mr. DC again? Yeah, we honestly should. Hannah Burner.

I love you so much. I love you. Thank you for even like being willing to come here at 10 p.m. No, this was so fun. And you're my favorite person ever. Because I'm not going to see you guys till May unless you come to New York. Or you come to some shows. Or I come to shows. We should try to find some crossover. Or we vacate.

We go on vacation. Yeah. Not kidding. I would absolutely. Would you pick me up? Yeah. Okay. Right on the way. And we'll go skiing. I jump on the ladder. We got to let you go. Seriously. Poor thing has been on four podcasts. She loves me. Poor thing. You're the cutest old lady. You're my grandpa reincarnated. And that's why you love her. Thank you, Hannah Burner. We love you.