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My account balance went below zero. And I'm like, what did it? It was a little girl I'm sponsoring in the Philippines for $30. So like what? She didn't eat this much? She ate, but I couldn't. Do you think people who hate Osama bin Laden are jealous of him? Yeah, of course. Of course. Someone sent me a pic. Tell me why at the top it said Facetune. No! Even Joey not asking me on his... Ah! It was a mouse! What?
You were already kind of mad at me. I feel like you took him as like she's weaponizing the jorts. New clip of Matt Rife appearance on Tana Mongeau and Brooke Schofield podcast cancelled resurfaces. Why is that a headline? It does not need to be a headline. I turned to him and I'm like, are you like so f***ing high? Like this is not normal weed. I smoked the cancer back. I hope you didn't take it away from somebody in need like these Ozempic girls.
The Panera charged lemonade killed someone. Oh my God. And I believe it. You were like, I want a Bronco. I was like, perfect. That's a Ford. It's $120,000. He left me at the Red Rock. Yeah. What's your type? I need above 5'10". Cause I gotta be able to respect you. And then I need lower than 6'5". Cause I'm not swinging up. I'm 6'7".
The other night we went to a Mod Sun concert and backstage you were telling a story that was really, really, really funny that I really... Before we get into the Mod Sun concert of it all because I'm sure I'm not going to get off scot-free. Yeah, emphasis on we were at a Mod Sun concert. Let me just let...
Let that sink in guys That was so fun by the way Like I was actually Like I had an amazing Amazing time You know I was so So nervous to go I hadn't like Seen Mod Sun In like three years Yeah And I Listen I'm all I want you guys back together That's my personal opinion I don't know What the audience thinks But I don't know I feel like Sober Tana Sober Mod Sun Wow You know
Tyga and Avril are off somewhere doing something. I don't know what they're talking about. But I had a great time at the show. But backstage, you were talking about something that sent your bank account balance under. Okay, so...
I'm not the most financially responsible person in the world. Natalie can attest. Like, I feel like the second I do a brand deal, I have the money. Yeah. Okay. And I don't. You don't. Yeah. A lot of brand deals that you do, it's like net 90, net 60. Sometimes it's 30 days. Sometimes it's... Is that a litter box? Nope. Sometimes it's 30 days. Sometimes it's 30 days.
Sometimes it's 30 days. Sometimes it's 60. Sometimes it's 90. And so I'll think I have all this money and I spend it like I have it because I know it's coming. Yeah. But then inevitably, like every couple months, I'll text Natalie and I'll say, is anyone going to pay me? Like, I don't have any money left. Yeah. And she'll be like, was something seriously wrong with you? But I realized I really had a problem the other day when my account balance went below zero. Okay. Yeah.
If it was just like a purchase of mine, it would be one thing. But what set you over? I was afraid to even check. I went in to my little Bank of America app and I'm like, what did it? You know, what pushed me over? Netflix, maybe. It was a little girl I'm sponsoring in the Philippines for $30 a month. Like out of the goodness of my heart, I started sponsoring this little girl. It's only a dollar a day. I can't.
but i need a sponsor so like what she didn't eat this month she's she ate but i couldn't wait i'm seriously crying her name is marianne she's 45 pounds and i literally just say gold so marianne had prime rib
Anyway, I'm working on my spending habits. Marianne. Oh, Marianne. Listen, better her than me, okay? I wasn't spending it wisely. Hopefully she is. Would you do anything else? Would you trade this life to be doing anything else? Or what would you be doing if you weren't doing this? Yeah.
Something with sports, I think. Really? I love sports. It was such a prominent part of my life growing up. I love boxing. So maybe something in that world. I love sports and it's something that you can kind of learn at any point in your life. Would you ever hit a crossover? Like a comedian ex-boxer?
Maybe I suppose but I'm not into the whole like influencers fighting each other thing either so And I also I also don't want to neglect I have friends of mine who are professional boxers that I highly respect so I don't want to be that person like there's nothing more annoying than when I meet somebody who doesn't do anything in entertainment and they're like I could do comedy first year I'm not gonna pretend like I said here but oh I'd be an amazing professional boxer because I know people who really do it and I'm nowhere close to that but it's something that I think would be a lot of I think would be a lot of fun and I
I like physical demanding activities, like training and training for a sport or something. That to me is fun and very fulfilling. And it's similar to stand-up in that it's just you. It's only me on stage. It's you versus one person in the ring. It's very self-dependent. I think that's kind of cool and appealing. Who would you fight? I was talking about that last night. Who would I fight? Yeah. If you had to. Who do you hate? Come on. That's the thing. I don't really hate anybody. Here's a very...
humbling experience that I've, sorry, I guess epiphany that I've had recently. Because so many fucking people hate me for really no reason. And it really made me realize that like people only hate somebody they're jealous of. And I've been guilty of hating people. And when I really sat back and thought about it, it was because I was jealous of where that person was in their life. I felt like maybe they got an opportunity that I should have gotten. So now that I'm doing so much better for myself,
I don't have that energy towards anybody. I really don't. Like I'm happy and very lucky to be where I'm at right now. So I don't have like a beef with anybody. If I was gonna fight somebody, it might be like,
i don't know maybe like will smith or something he seemed to have a good right hook right oh my gosh no i love will smith but i'm like hey if a he's in great shape it's a great competition and b he hit chris rock so i was like as part of the comedy community i feel like that's not about that's your guy that was a really really good well-rounded answer i'm trying to wrap my head around do you think people who hate osama bin laden are jealous of him
Yeah, of course of course they're mad that he wasn't the one calling the shots. Everyone wants to be the one with the remote Yeah, that's tough. There's a difference between hating and hating on someone Hating someone I think that person had to have done something to you but hating on is a lot of just jealousy It's it sucks. No a lot of it is for sure
for sure. We've all been there. Everybody's been jealous of somebody. For sure. I'm a jealous person. Oh my God, I'm such a jealous person. I'm not so much anymore. I was trying to watch Brianna Chicken Fry on Theo Vaughn. I literally can't. And it's funny because we just had Jeff on the episode and I was like, have you ever seen Pete Davidson's show? And he's like, I can't watch that because I'm going to fucking kill myself that it's not me. Like, I'm from Staten Island. I want to be funny like this. Who is this? Our friend Jeff Whittak. Okay. And he...
Was just going on and on. And I was like, Jeff, you're such a pussy. Like, watch it, whatever. I can't watch Brianna on Theo because I'm like, I want to be in her shoes so bad. I'm a jealous fucking ass bitch. I feel like he would have you. Just for a podcast. Yes. I'm sure you could get on his podcast. He just had somebody else with way less followers. I forget who it was. I don't. I mean, I would love to, obviously. I am so weird like that. I like, I'm crazy. Like,
I get in my own head. I can have the most successful day, do my job so well, life is going so good, and then I see something like that, and I'm like, I am a failure. And I have to talk myself off a ledge. I'm supposed to do his podcast sometime in the next couple months. I just told you I want to kill myself. I have a question or conversation piece about that, though. His podcast, everyone knows, he'll say the most ridiculous things on his podcast. He's literally said the N-word on his podcast.
I know that's what I was gonna say right nobody goes after him to try to cancel him nobody gets upset because everyone understands it's a joke this is a character this is his comedic character and the deal just doesn't give a fuck well I think he just found the perfect audience like he is uncancellable like they like he can say genuinely anything and that's honest there's a lot of people
That's what I'm trying to find. And that's why I've started to gear my comedy towards being so unapologetic because I want to find the group of people who doesn't get offended by shit. Who's just there. Everyone comes knowing, hey, we're going to hear some Atlanta shit. The same way your group chat and whatever group chat you're in would completely end all of your lives if it ever got leaked.
Right, I want my audience to feel like it's just one giant hangout Yeah and that is a that's a bigger part of the population than people think people who get sensitive and try to cancel everybody for every joke everything that gets said is the tiniest fucking percent of the world's population just the most vocal they're just the loudest and most annoying which is why we have to all get together and in this shit and tell one hey if you're unhappy about a joke and
Fucking cry to yourself. It's not our responsibility to dictate how you feel. I like how passionate you are about this. I think you're going to lead like... It's my entire fucking life. You're going to lead like the Me Too movement for canceled culture.
I might have to. I believe in you. Not just water down the Me Too. I just think it's ridiculous. Yeah, let's not water down the Me Too movement, you know, but whatever. It's just such a prominent part of my life. Every day I wake up, it's something new. I think it all comes down to your intent. I think you can joke. There is not a single topic in the entire world you cannot make a joke about if it's done correctly.
it's always awesome to talk about sobriety and health for people. Yeah, the dark part of influencing are those people who do like get into those kind of states and stuff like that. Like, why do they fall off and the reasons why and if they get into, because like she's another one who always seemed, I don't know much about her, but I always thought she was kind of like goody, you know? And so when you hear that stuff, you're like, oh my God, you know, it's kind of, it's kind of dark, but yeah, my only beef with Joey is he never asked me if I would escape the night and we were like close friends. I was like, okay,
literally did like 10 seasons with like random people i was so it's funny because i like i was surprised he even wanted me on let alone like twice because i'm so canceled like he should have put you on that's what i'm saying i'm like a different type of cancel where like i told you like even you're canceled you guys canceled me off the podcast like my episode is the only one that got deleted and i was like i am like i was telling her that we never did that we didn't do that it's off it was off i would never delete an episode of the podcast ever you just deleted it i thought
Oh, I thought something in production happened. Then that's the ultimate cancellation. Didn't they like kick you off of YouTube or something? Me? No. I've never been kicked off. Maybe off of your eyes' channel. No. I mean, it's fine. I wanted it out because I wasn't there. Yeah, right. I honestly don't.
honestly don't care but I always think there was a time when people like really don't want to be social it's again it swings I don't care I've always wanted to and always will be associated with you and I would just never delete anything period yeah it's wild it was a YouTube thing I think it might have gotten sent like in our group chat or something but it was like an actual like YouTube notification YouTube deleted it or if there was something in it maybe I don't know what the episode it was yeah I would never delete my most viewed podcast episode it was the most viewed episode oh my god random hopefully this one is just as viewed I know honestly
I like don't care either. I mean, I do. I, you know, I do care. I say I don't care, but I'm like, even Joey not asking me on a, I thought it was a mouse. Trisha, what do you mean? Oh my God. What do you mean you thought that was a mouse? Holy shit. That's the biggest mouse I've ever seen. Scary.
your house has a mouse problems we've had mouses in some houses we had a mouse called crawled across hunters like laying down body in one of our houses mice are you rats are ugly um right rats are crazy with their long tails we i mean we live in the mountains so we get mice too it's like not a big deal they freak me the out they freak me out i fucking what do you do with them do you guys release them or drown them or what do you do i don't even want to say what happened last time we had a mouse it's not i would get cancelled for that
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Have you heard about the 2018 study that showed half of prenatal vitamins tested had unacceptable levels of heavy metals? No? Well, now you have. I'm Kat, mother of three and founder of Ritual, the company making traceability the new standard in the supplement industry. I remember staring at my prenatal vitamins and finding all these things I was trying to avoid. High amounts of heavy metals, synthetic colorants, and unnecessary ingredients.
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But don't just take my word for it. Trace for yourself with 25% off at ritual.com slash prenatal. Tana, you're going to die. And I've never told anyone. We're never having a guest on ever the fuck again, by the way. Tana, you're going to die and I can't even tell you. I'll tell you who this is about when we're not on the pod. Or bleep it. I recently opened a photo. Someone sent me a dick pic, okay, which I don't solicit often, but when I do...
She does. I do. She does. And I have seen this one a million times before. Okay. But this time something, I don't know. I clicked it. Tell me why at the top it said Facetune in the title. I swear on my life. No. I swear to God. This man Facetuned his dick. And he didn't even bother to change the title before sending it. Tell me right the fuck now bleep it, but I have to know.
- Swear to God. - I have such secondhand embarrassment, I could throw up. - What's so crazy about it is I saw it and I was embarrassed for myself. Oh my God. And I immediately just like, I never thought about that man again. - What did you respond to that photo though? - Well, the thing is that was so long ago. It was like me revisiting the photo way later. - Why? Were you just horny? - No, I just wanted to be reminded.
That actually like is making me short of breath. Like when I get bad secondhand embarrassment, I like actually have a little mini panty. Is that not the craziest thing you've ever heard?
that's penny central i was gonna never tell you but honestly i hate this man now so it's like whatever i've been waiting to tell you that i didn't think i ever would i don't know why it just like really felt like i had to keep it to myself forever but you like doing that like you like letting someone know that like you kept a secret for a while it does make it like funnier but if it happened to you like it's for some reason it feels embarrassing to me and not to him i agree because i like
That's so bad. And just knowing that like, you Facetuned your dick. He Facetuned his dick pic. And then he, and like, honest to God. And just knowing that the man has Facetune on his phone, like is enough for me to literally never want him to look at me ever again. Facetune's one of those things that's just for the girls. It's for a woman. And I use Facetune and I will never ever deny it. I use so much of it. But if a man uses Facetune, we have to call the police. 100%. 100%. I would rather a man do so many things. Yeah.
Like so many things. I would rather send a video of you, of him like fucking himself in the ass. Well, what's crazy is I got so many, like he would send so many videos. Earlier today, I did the most single embarrassing possible thing you can ever do. This entire episode is actually just a list of my 13 reasons. And I'm just going to fucking kill myself after. Okay. I swear to God.
Earlier today, I was texting Mr. Third Leg. Yeah, I don't even know what you call him. Tripod? I was texting Tripod. That's his new name. That's his name. I was texting Tripod and I got a Jersey Mike's giant sub. It's a two foot long. And I had just shown Brooke this man's apparatus. Yes.
And Brooke looks over at me and she goes, you should send a photo of your hand holding the sub to the guy and say, thinking of you. I sent it to the wrong man. I,
that text to the wrong man and i wish so badly i could tell the podcast who the wrong man is just not the right person to send it to at all but hilarious you honestly though that's like it was best case scenario because it's like okay it's just a photo of a sandwich at least you didn't send him like a tit pic that's true that is really really true i mean and to be fair the guy that i accidentally sent it to responded like oh my god i love jersey mike i know he was with the shit it's
but i was like you have no idea who this is meant for and why you know that's so crazy i'm not a sexster anymore i feel like i'm reformed i haven't seen you really since um we were on tour because i went to new york and we'll get into all of that in a little bit but um i got back yesterday it was the first time i've seen you since our literal
biggest fight we've ever had. It's like actually really crazy and I guess they'll like probably see it whenever like the tour footage comes out. So the thing is is we're shooting a tour documentary right now so not only did we have our biggest possible fight ever but it was on camera.
And that's a little crazy Honestly I'm like ashamed Of how this went down Me too It was like really Like a little Like it's embarrassing It's We're really Think like screaming Slamming Running Crying Like whole night It was like Oh my god Like we both Like think everybody At the House of Blues Like turning around And being like What the fuck Is going on in there
Yeah, like we had a WWE Smackdown proper in a green room at the House of Blues in Cleveland. I will say, I think it solved, like I think it did what it needed to do. We always do this, dude. And that's how I know that we're insane. First of all, we get in this, I just, words can't express how big of a fight this truly was. And an hour later, you come to my hotel room and you're like, look at this TikTok. And everyone was like, you'll see, it's like too much to really explain, but like,
the like catalyst of all of this was like some comments that I made about Tana's jorts that she was wearing. The fight was a real fight about real... And it was not about jorts at all, but like I kept throwing little jorts jabs in there. Like we were like, you know, we just got into it about some discrepancies of touring and
People don't realize how hard it is to tour together as well. It is. Like with anyone. It's literally like a relationship. Like you and I have to both have our standpoints on how we want to travel and how we want to do the show and how we want to do everything and kind of hit a 50/50 compromise in order to make everything work. And obviously there are bumps in the road with that and we're learning how to navigate those so we can tour forever. So yeah, we were fighting about some like real shit. I was using the jorts to like get my anger out about like something else.
You know what I mean? Like I was using the joy, like they were disguised as jort comments, but really I was just fucking furious at you. This all just sounds so fucking stupid. We're like, we're so grown and then it's like grow up, like hearing this. But we always try to kind of coordinate our outfits. Yeah.
for shows and just so it's like you know because we can't have really different styles sometimes she'll come down in like a fucking floor-length gown and I'll be wearing like a tank top and jeans and like you couldn't have told me exactly so we had a show where I was giving like Nessa Barrett core like for love and lemons dress like big leather boots and you were like in jeans and like a corset or something yeah so I was like hmm maybe we like talk about it next time right and so
I had shown you my jorts a couple of cities. I can't even say the word like I never I'm never going to say I'm never saying the word jorts again. But I'd shown you my jorts a couple of cities prior and you were like, Oh my God, like I have jorts too. We could match. And I call you from my hotel room and I didn't know she was mad at me for like something else. So I call I FaceTime you and I'm like, Should I wear my jorts? I don't give a fuck about your jorts. I'm going to drag you by your jorts downstairs. And then that was jorts comment one.
And then I shit you not, for the rest of the day, I think you made 45 comments about my jorts. Okay, but like, here's the thing. I didn't think it was like, I thought they were like lighthearted, but since you, like you were already kind of mad at me, I feel like you took them as like, okay, this is like, she's weaponizing the jorts. And...
And in my head, I was like, okay, this is like a lighthearted way to like, like fizzle out like the other aspect of this fight. Like, I swear to God, we'd be at the meet and greet and someone would be like, every time anyone said anything to you, to me, you'd be like, and she's in her jorts. But when it finally, when it finally like, like came to like be an actual fight, Tana's like, and you can't shut the fuck up about the jorts. I'm like, I haven't said shit about the jorts. I'm like, I haven't said anything about those jorts. And then I go in my TikTok drafts.
And I had been making like a day in the life TikTok. When I tell you every single clip, I reference the Jorts in some way. And this is just in the TikTok. Like at a certain point, you stopped calling me by my name. You started just calling me like Jorts is over there. Jorts McGee. Like Jorts McGee. I changed your name on my phone to Jorts McGee. And I don't,
think i've ever ever ever been the type of person to get mad over some shit like that because we always talk about that like we have certain we always make fun of each other like lip flip haha yeah we love to make fun of each other and we always talk about in our friend group and i wear jords we'll have a little bit you know what i mean like at someone and then they get so mad about it so it's like funnier to just keep fucking with them yeah so i'm i'm very much the type where it's like fuck with me i'm never gonna get mad and that was the first time i felt like lila like i feel like lila's the type yeah like how she's so sensitive over like like stuff that
totally a joke and I literally was like if you bring up my fucking jorts one more I can and I can never wear them again like you actually changed my outlook I loved the jorts it was never about the jorts but I just I'm like you guys just stay tuned and you'll understand yeah you will see in the doc what our actual fight was about but we had a heart to heart yesterday and we worked out the little um kinks in the jorts laughing
New clip of Matt Rife appearance on Tana Mongeau and Brooke Schofield podcast canceled resurfaces. Why is that a headline? It does not need to be a headline. I want no part in this. Why does our name come before his? Like, why? Like, let him, like, do, like, you know. I've been seeing it all go down, okay? And almost every single video that I see, there's at least one clip of us. Yeah. And it, like...
I'm like, whoa. Can I be honest with you, though? After we shot that podcast, I remember looking at you like a week after it went live. And I was like, damn, I thought a lot more of that would be like heavily clipped in regards to the way it's being heavily clipped now. And it kind of just went under the radar and we like moved on. Things always do that, you know, when they're like just like no one picks up on it for a while. And then all of a sudden. I will say the one that's going extremely viral is one of my favorite lines that I've ever communicated.
contributed to the Canceled Podcast. You slayed that. I mean, that was hilarious. Well, genuinely, everyone hates you because they're jealous. Everyone hates anyone they hate because they're jealous. Like, I saw a top comment on one of those going viral, and the girl was like, I hate my dad. I'm pretty sure I'm not jealous of him. Like, to say that all hatred derives from jealousy is a crazy take. Crazy, yeah. Kind of a crazy take. So I had to ask. People who hate Osama bin Laden are jealous of him? You know, I just wanted to know. Probably not. Thank God I took the Trump hat off, because that's getting clipped. Although...
Yeah, I don't know. I have always really enjoyed TikToks, clips, podcasts, anything of psychoanalyzation of people. And the pendulum swings both ways because at the same time, I hate to see when people psychoanalyze me online and it's so incorrect or it's correct as fuck. I think that's what bothers me is like when it's happening to me, like that episode, for example, like the Matt Reif episode.
I couldn't I never was able to rewatch it. I couldn't read the comments because they were so horrible about me about me being like a pick me and saying all these things about my personality that like literally aren't true. I couldn't read them. Yeah. And it's so frustrating to read. And what's crazy is now it's like surfacing and all of the hate is like to Matt.
And the comments are like, Brooke new in the moment. Brooke is like, Brooke completely new. Yeah, but I'm like, but at the time, it's just perception. Like people can perceive things however they want and then they can make a fucking video that goes so viral and it makes good points, but it doesn't mean it's accurate. And I,
Again, I'm terrified. But that's always what I say. The pendulum swings. That's a perfect example. The comments were horrible to you on that episode. And now all the comments are... Now the comments are like, Brooke was fine. Yeah. Yeah. And that's, again, why you can't base your worth in that. And he'll be just fine. So it's just... But it's pretty crazy. He will be just fine. A doctor on TikTok, which I'm assuming the doctor was just like grabbing for views. I don't think he actually gave plastic surgery to Matt Rife. But he made a TikTok like when your client...
got a new jawline but now he's getting cancelled like whatever hilarious to jump on the train I mean not hilarious but like I get jumping on the train and just being like this is an opportunity for views absolutely we're all grinding here everyone wants to be like Dr. Miami like in you know all these plastic surgeons want to like yeah
get those views like that. So I'm assuming that's all that was. But the lawsuit that would have gone down if he were actually the one, you know what I mean? Yeah. Matt Rife commented on his TikTok and was like lying about like medical shit is illegal, blah, blah, blah. And all the comments back to Matt Rife were like, so now who can take a joke? One thing about Matt Rife is he is going to fight with somebody in a comment section. And I get it.
Yeah, I do it and I have to stop myself from doing it because it's like it is it's so hard because I always look back on it. I'm like, why the fuck did you say that? That's so embarrassing. But in the moment, it's like it's so hard to see people like.
But you never once have had your brand be like, I'm not going to fight with you in a comment section. You know, like the way you are on this podcast, the way you are in life, you give I'm going to fight with you in a comment section. 100%. Like he's online saying like, I don't give a fuck about what anyone says about me. And then you're fighting in a comment section. It's like the negating what you directly want your brand to be, I think is what's hurting. It is kind of hard to have this whole thing about like, you know, it's all a joke. It's all a joke. Yeah. And then...
I would just love to see him double down and, I guess, joke on this. You know what I mean? He is. Did you see his story? Yeah. What were your thoughts? The helmets. I thought that was exactly what he should do. Like, if you want to be a controversial comedian and make jokes that people are going to hate, then continue to double down when they hate them. To be honest, he said it on our episode. You never...
Ever apologize for a joke. Okay. Because once you do it once, it's first of all, you're like admitting fault where there wasn't any necessarily. Like if you really truly were joking, it's a joke. Yeah. Whether or not people thought it was funny is up in the air. Yeah. But like, and there's obviously so much to be said about building a female fan base and
who you might have some disdain for because they might like you for the reasons that you don't want to be liked for. So then making jokes against women because of the disdain that you have for that, so on and so forth. I've watched too many psychoanalyses. Yeah, you have. You have. But I just want to say, if anybody wants to give me a platform to make fucking $25 million in a year because of what I look like, I would love it. And I...
Would never complain even one time. Seriously. Yeah. Mine's linked below. I'm just kidding. I don't know. I don't like.
it's so confusing to me because I see some of this stuff. I'm like, well, shit. Matt Rife has been nothing but nice to me ever, you know? So I'm not going to like sit here and like, like I'm going to crack jokes at anyone. Same with Colleen and the ukulele. Same with everything. This is called the canceled podcast. If somebody's getting canceled, we're talking about it every single time. And that's my point. Like I'm just, I'm weighing in on it. And funny shit is always going to be funny to me no matter what, even when I've been getting canceled, like you'll send me a tick tock and you'll be like, this is fucking hilarious. Like,
To be able to laugh at the way that the internet pendulum swings and the shit that people say, I think, is the only way to really keep your sanity in the shop. There is also a difference between the people who are joking about it and the people who are literally trying to ruin his life. But that comes with fame and that $25 million check. Yeah, I guess you're right. It's kind of a fair trade-off. It's just, I hate... Unless somebody truly has done something really fucking horrible, I really don't like to see someone get canceled. Ironically, the title of Matt Rife's episode is...
Matt Rife on why he will never be canceled. But to be fair, there's still some validity to that because if it doesn't affect him and he continues to keep making his jokes, then he never will be canceled. And I respect that more than anything. Be a cockroach. That's me. I think he... Listen, the guy's been doing comedy for like 15 years. He's gonna just...
keep at it he's doing just fine there are millions of people who are still gonna love matt rife no matter what yeah go fuck off to a beach for a month and turn your phone off and for sure with your 25 million dollars honestly i'm coming yeah real real and i don't think he i don't know yeah
He's fine. It's helping the episode though. You look at Matt Rife canceled. It's like the first thing that's popped up. Oh shit. I didn't even think about that. Like every time we have someone on and then if they get canceled, they'll search their name like Matt Rife canceled. Do you know what I mean? Like they're just looking up his cancellation. But because he was on canceled, our episode is like... I don't know if you've seen the Joe Rogan, Theo Vaughn clip where he's like talking about like monster energy and he's like, that makes you want to beat your way for something. Like a domestic violence joke also. Just goes to show like...
It really just does depend. On your demographic. Yeah. And the way you've garnered it. Because Theo Vaughn fans are mostly men. And people, like, you know, people just want, like, are already ready. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, no one wants to cancel Theo Vaughn. He could fucking kill someone and everyone would be like, that person deserved to die. And I'd be one of them, honestly. People want Matt Reif. Yeah. Out of here. Tana bought me a car for my birthday. I...
This is going to be the most out of touch sentence ever. But buying someone a car is the most stressful thing ever. Like, I was so happy to just get it to you. I...
It's just that, like, that's the fucking craziest thing. I literally... It's so funny. Like, I'd been planning to get you the car for so long. And Ari Aguirre is a real one for this. Like, he helped me for months, like, seed to you, like, what you'd exactly want. Like, you wouldn't even know. 100%. But it's because I was truly, like, I was really wanting to buy it. So I was looking into all of them and I was talking to him about it so actively. And I swear to God, this was, like, the first...
like time I've really had no idea about something but even in the final hours of getting it I was like does she want a soft top or a hard top we were debating between two like he was still just seeding it into you for so long and it's so funny because like birthday gate happened everyone's like oh my god she doesn't care and I'm like I'm literally I'm doing everything to show her that I care like you know what I mean birthday gate was satisfying as fuck
Real. I'm just kidding. Just after like, you know. The stress of trying to do it and keep it a secret from you was so hard. And you're always asking like someone else for it. You're like joking to someone else like, buy me a Bronco, buy me a Bronco. Yeah, so then like literally the night before it happened, we were all at dinner and this guy called me and he's like a guy with a lot of money and he's just like a friend of ours. And I like joked to him. I was literally like, what are you going to get me for my birthday? I want a green Bronco. I'm grabbing Makoa's leg under the table. Swear to God, looking at Makoa being like,
If this billionaire buys her a Bronco right now after all of my peril, I'll literally actually jump off a cliff. I told him after and he goes, oh, so should I return mine? First of all, literally, thank you so much. You know, like I've been sobbing about it for...
So I sent you another picture the other day. I literally drove. I'm not kidding. I drove around for probably six hours the other day just sobbing. And I have like a thing. BB knows. I have like a specific drive that I do like all the time. Okay. Since I moved here, I'll drive all the way up Sunset, all the way up Benedict Canyon and then down. And...
I like it's specific because it feels magical because you have all the billboards. It feels like very L.A. Yeah. And like that's where I like sit and think like, what do I want my life to look like? And I do it always, like literally since I was since I moved here. Don't make me cry right now. No, but something about. Because I'm getting chills and you're like two seconds from making me cry. No, I'm not kidding. I do it all the time. I'll sob. But I was driving in my little new car and I was like.
I was so worried too because your reactions are like one of like five, you know? Oh, you cried. Stop. I always sob. And I was so scared you were going to be like, what the fuck? Return this. Like, fuck you. I'm not accepting this. I wanted to, but honestly. And I was having Ari like seed to you as well. Just like, oh my God, what if someone got you a big gift? Like, how would you react? Like randomly like months ago. But you know what's funny is I told every friend because I had a feeling that you were going to get me a big gift.
And I told Ari, I told BB, I told everybody, if she thinks about it, don't let her. Oh, I didn't think about it at all. I was trying to swipe from day one. It was just finding that Bronco is actually so hard. Like I made Paige dedicate her life. Like they're rare as fuck. Well, that's what's crazy. It's like. I also, I'm just going to tell you the truth. You were like, I want a Bronco. I was like, perfect. That's a Ford. It's going to be so cheap. I thought it was a $30,000 car.
It's $120,000. Holy shit. Oh my God. When they told me it after taxes, I damn near passed out. And I was like, we gotta get her the Bronco. But just the $90,000 difference in what I anticipated was hilarious to me. Because Ford. Don't tell me that. No, no, no. But like think about a Ford Focus. No, a Bronco is like a... A Bronco can climb a tree. Like you would not believe...
You would not believe what this car can do. I took it to the ranch this weekend for my birthday. It's like lit. It can do everything. Brooke's going to be up a tree soon. And I'm terrified. We're going to be in the car. Me and you will be pissed. No, I'm not kidding. When I went home, it's actually so sweet because my dad and my grandpa were like so excited about it.
And they like, we sat for hours and watched every YouTube video on every single little detail of the car. It was so cute. That's the cutest thing I've ever heard. And my grandpa ordered me, it was so cute. He ordered me like a little dash cam. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry.
So as you know, especially in my sober era, this happened in my sober era. This was before I went to Cabo. I was still sober. I was doing really, really good. I was with my sober little boyfriend. Now he's gone. And that's, I think, another reason why I'm being a little more insane. Because he's like, wait, why am I not be able to think about who it is? Oh, oh, oh, duh. And he's gone. So I... Where is he? Oh, I didn't know that.
And so I was just smoking weed with him. I was being like so good. And as you know, I smoke like a decent amount of weed. And I feel like I don't really smoke like crazy gas. Like I do definitely smoke some like crazy gas. Team Bryce on God. Fuck. Bryce just followed me back. Yeah, I don't smoke like crazy, crazy weed. But if I do, if I take a hit of it, like I'm still fine, you know, because I smoke so much like normal weed that I've like built up like a tolerance, you know? Yeah.
And I'm smoking with this guy and I take like five hits of the joint, right? Which is like not a lot at all. Something in me tells me after hitting this that I should like ask him, like how strong is this? Like, you know what I mean? Like blah, blah, blah. Like, am I going to be so high? And he's like, it's really, really strong weight. Blah, blah, blah. Right?
Eight minutes go by, I shit you not, and I am seeing the hat man in the fucking corner, okay? Like, I'm seeing, God, I'm so high. Like, focusing on your breathing high. Like, you can't, like, do anything, like, whatever. And I'm kind of laughing. Like, it's not terrible. I'm not, it's not like a, You're not, like, panicked. I'm not, like, panicked.
But I am a little like, it's definitely one of those highs where it's like, will this ever end? Also, I get scared in those situations because I'm like, is this going to get worse? No, and it did. And it did. Did it just start? Yeah, and it had just started. So for the next hour, I just get progressively higher and higher and higher. I would definitely compare it to taking like a fuck ton of mushrooms or something worse, honestly. Oh, no.
And I turned to him and I'm like, are you like so fucking high? Like this is not normal weed to me, like whatever. And he turns to me and he tells me that his friend runs an organization where they bring this specific weed to people with cancer to ease their fucking cancer pain. I smoked the cancer back. Oh my God. I hope you didn't take it away from somebody in need like these Ozempic girls.
I didn't. First of all, this wasn't even my weed. Second of all, I think they gift it to people as well. They've just thought it was- Wait, but it's like, it's that strong? It's taking cancer away? Apparently. Why am I having this tear in my eye? I'm so good at cancer now. We're not laughing at cancer. Look at that chemo. Look at that chemo kush. That chemo kush. This is not funny. We're gonna- I'm crying. Get canceled.
Obviously I don't think anyone should have cancer. What is it, a choice? What the fuck? No, I'm just saying cancer is bad and sad. Cancer sucks. That doesn't change the fact that I smoked the cancer pack. Yeah. That's it. That's all. That's the whole story.
the panera charged lemonade killed someone oh my god and i believe it the panera charge lemonade killed someone that's one of those situations like like the lime scooter thing like if i die that way you better lie lie lie lie so there's 400 milligrams of caffeine in a regular size panera charge lemonade the problem is nobody knows the like like the and they put it on the labels and yeah measurement well it's like
It's like if someone's like asked me what I am in centimeters, like I don't fucking know how many centimeters I am. You can tell me how much caffeine is in something. I don't fucking know what that means. And just the same thing is like you drink a can of Red Bull and you know exactly how much like that's going to do to you. Whereas at Panera, you're just filling up that cup and it tastes it doesn't taste like an energy drink, whatever. I was like addicted to these. You know, me, you and Bibi had a day where we all went.
Like thrifting I remember that day so vividly And they did tell me When I got it They were like Just so you know Like that's a lot of caffeine I'm like oh please And then I was Cracked the fuck out I drink so much caffeine I remember all three of us Were in the car And we were like Are we gonna die right now Like it's like
Like BB was like gonna throw up out the window or it was you like we all thought we were literally gonna die And then the difference in the three of us is y'all never drink them again I drink them every day for the next three months Yeah although I am a caffeine fiend I drink like three celsius a day Yeah like and it's but it's honestly starting to make me sick so like I'll never forget this day I had a windum where I was drinking them the charged lemonade and I'd also taken my Adderall that day
And I drank like a giant charged lemonade. And I Google two of them, I think. And I Google the caffeine intake like that you can have for the day. And it's like 400 milligrams. And I'd have like 800 in Adderall. And I was like laying on the floor and I was like, do I go to the hospital right now? And then I stopped drinking the charged lemonades because I was like. That is scary. But it is. It is crazy. Like people die like from less. Yes. Yes. But like I think as much as I love the occasional Fuji apple charged lemonade, like.
take them off the shelf panera yeah that's the thing it's is it really worth like what what came over them where they were like i have to get yeah but it's like i feel like they would still be good if they weren't that they didn't have crack in them like why'd they even have to put the crack in it i've been sworn off panera charged lemonade and i think everyone should be but i just can't believe it you know what i hope they get their money i hope oh my god not only do i want broccoli cheddar soup and a bread bowl for life absolutely i want billions
yeah what's your type myself just shorter but they could have hair okay i need above 5 10. okay because i got to be able to respect you and then i need lower than six five because i'm not swinging up i'm six seven that is really tall that's a nice range i'm a little upset about that's you know seven is everything dude i like last year i made this tick tock basically saying like
a guy under six foot is your friend. Like, what do you call it? And like, it went up. People always say that to me now, like when they see me, like whatever. And then I just catch myself with these like five, seven in heaven ass men. You do have a pretty consistent, she's very consistent with the five sevens. Did I always follow up? Five seven? No, probably like five nine, five ten. Maybe five nine. Five ten is pushing it for sure. Yeah, five ten is kind of pushing it. And they've always got a little slouch too. Every time I've...
you think it's the drugs or you think like i just go for like it's a combination of a few things dude i always fall in love with the short kings like i almost think that what they're lacking in the height like got squeezed into their brain like they're funnier or something i don't know what you have to be well you've dated look smart
I have to go to Vegas. And that morning my ex calls me and he's like, I can't wait to see you tonight. Like you land tonight, blah, blah, blah. Yay. And I'm just resending. I'm hungover wildly. So I'm like, let me take a shot. Wild again, point being that's, we don't know if, you know, she wasn't good there. And I go to Vegas and I land and we all were supposed to go out that night. Like his friend group and I, like Isabella, like,
hangs out with his best friend as well. It's been like a double date sitch for a long time. So we're like all trying to link up, go to the club, like whole nine. And I'm texting him and I'm like, hey, I landed, blah, blah, blah. And early in the day, he's like, let me know, like I'll pick you up, like what time, like we're that cool. And then he just goes completely ghost the second I get in Vegas that whole night. And I'm like, this is weird.
It's hurting my feelings a little bit. It's a little strange. But also, my hangover from the canceled night before and then continuing through the day had finally hit. So I was like, it's fine. I'll stay in tonight. Tomorrow's Easter Sunday. I'll let everyone else go to the club. My ex isn't going to be there. Why would I go? Yes.
Absolutely. Which is a terribly toxic mindset, but it's true. And I wake up the next day and it's Easter Sunday. It's so sweet, whatever. And I'm vibing Easter baskets all night. My ex texts me. He says, sorry, I fell asleep last night, blah, blah, blah.
don't believe it first of all second of all happy easter sunday i'm about to wrap up with my family let's link up and we always would link up on holidays like he would come over to amari's house and like say hi to like my family you know what i mean like whole nine like that's kind of what i expected the vibe to be at least from like how he said whatever i respond like an hour and a half later i'm like perfect like let me know when you're done like come by no response for like six hours
And I'm like, this is weird. I'm also leaving. I'm also leaving the next day. Yeah. So it's like minimal time. And it's so weird if we had just broken up. And then the next time I'm in Vegas, you don't like make the time to see me. Like it like weirded me out, you know, hours and hours go by. And finally I text him. I'm like, OK, like word. Like I'm going to go do shit with my friends then. Like if you're not going to answer, whatever. He FaceTimes me in his bed. He's like, sorry, I just woke up from a nap. Come link up with me. I don't like how many times he said link.
I don't even I might that might be like a team Bryce on God thing like I where I'm just saying the word link too much like the same same energy which is feels very impersonal like if my anyone I physically dated yeah I don't let's link I don't mean I would think I would die I don't think those were like his specific okay that's good he's like I just woke up from an app let's do something night blah blah blah so I get
All ready. Cause I'm like, so I'm like, you know, I have to look so good. Spend hours getting ready, whatever, not answering me again. His best friend texts Ashley. Cause Ashley was kind of vibing with his best friend and was like, Hey, sends a photo of my ex and him. So he's with,
Like they're all best friends. Yeah. Sends a photo of my ex with him and was like, hey, Ashley, come hang out. Like Tana's ex is here. Like let's all link. Let's all hang out. And I'm like, did I really just catch a third party invite? Yeah. And that's the worst. You never want to go if like that person in particular didn't invite you. 100%. And it's just like, it's so weird how you've been like so excited to see me. And then the second I get there, it's like.
weird you know yeah and all of a sudden you're overthinking probably like do i like does he want me there yeah and then so i'm like hitting all my friends i'm being like do i even go like does he want me there what do i do and of course my friends like go go and like i love his friends so i was like i'll just go like i'll just whatever but in my head the entire and it's an like it's like an hour car ride like basically his entire friend group is in like summerlin in las vegas and we're in henderson which means it takes it's across the city the strip is in the middle
Like it takes so fucking long to get there. It's not my side of town. I'm only going to like see this man. We drive like 55 minutes to his side of town, to his friend's house for my third party invite to go see him to like whatever, you know what I mean? And the whole car ride, I'm like, should I even be doing this? This is ridiculous. But you've said you wanted to, and I want to talk like I want to. Yeah.
You know, whatever. I get there and I see him and we're drinking and he's like, not really drinking. And also every day of 75 Hard, he's like, day 76 with me, like with me, make promise, babe, like blah, blah, blah, promise you're drinking with me. So then the second I see you, you don't want to drink that much with me and you're being kind of like,
Weird. And his energy is just weird and off. Like he keeps like pretending to like fake fight me and shit. And he's like, or like you can tell he's like a little annoyed. And then he has this bright idea that we all should go gamble at this casino called the Red Rock in Vegas. I don't go to the Red Rock.
I'm not a Summerlin girl. I'm a Henderson girl. I go to Green Valley Parkway or I go to the Strip. I go to the Palms. I go wherever. I have been to the Red Rock like four times. I don't go there. I can't stress it enough that I don't go there. And he's like, let's go.
So my ex wants to go gamble at the Red Rock and it's like 3 a.m. at this point as well. And I'm like, OK, I'm only going there to see you. Right. So then everyone piles into this one car and it's just me and my ex standing in the street and we're like, OK, we're not going to pile on this car. So we order an SUV and it's just us two. We get in the SUV. We're like playing old songs. He's like, I miss you. I love you. How are you? I miss you. It's this whole moment. I cry. I cry. Maybe I'm drunk.
But I cry nonetheless. You know, I'm just I'm just saying. And in the car, he's like, let's hang out later. Let's actually talk later. I missed you. Like, I want to catch up, you know, and I'm like happy because I'm like, OK, then I can go home later. Like, did you mean like the next day or later? Six a.m. But I'm like, he's like, I have an early morning, but like, I want to talk to you. I know you leave tomorrow. And in my head, I'm like, this is good. I came here, obviously, for Easter Sunday, but we broke up over the phone. The last time I was here was for Valentine's Day. And we were like.
perfectly happy i'm excited like some sense of like closure and like you know what i mean you can still do your whole like i'm gonna marry you a bit but like at least we're on cool terms and we can hang out and you want to and like even though you suck the whole weekend like whatever blah blah so i'm going to the red rock for you and then we're gonna hang out after right i get to the red rock
And we're gambling And then this is just Where the dumb decisions Come in I probably blow Like a thousand dollars Just like Off rip at the table Ridiculous Like I'm just being dumb But I'm like I want to gamble Next to my ex Who's like Spending money And I want to like Keep up And like You know what I mean I'm not going to ask him For money Because we're not dating Like to gamble So I'm just going to like Match his energy Like whatever We're vibing He's like I'm excited To hang out later He's talking to me He's being like Do I come to Coachella Like
Blah blah blah And it's exciting me Because I'm like I missed you Like it's not like We broke up Because you suck Yeah that's It's a different Kind of breakup Because you didn't Really want to break up It was just like How are you going To make it work Exactly so I'm like Excited we could still Be friends and like Hang out and whatever We're gambling I get up and I'm like I'm going to go To the bathroom Right I go to the bathroom Did he escape 10 minutes in the bathroom 10 minutes However fucking long Oh
I come back out with Ashley Schwann. She went with me. All of his friends are there standing there in a circle like this at me. He left me.
At the Red Rock He left And all of his friends Have no explanation They're like We have no idea Why he left We have no idea He just stormed out of here He just ran out Blah blah blah I don't know why All of his friends Are being like He's such a fucking asshole Like I'm so sorry Like why the fuck Would he do that Like I don't know Why he did that There's just no explanation He just left Everyone's blowing him up He's not answering at all I tried to text Phones off
shut left me at the red rock and shut his phone off horrible that's really horrible do you think do you think he like literally the second she got in the bathroom or like the second you got in the bathroom he ran or do you think that he waited a few minutes and then he was like hmm I won I have never had so many fucked up things happen to me that I've aired out on the canceled podcast I have never been like left at the blank let the red rock are
Kidding me. Oh my, I start scream crying. In the Red Rock, I start, obviously I'm fucked up. Rightfully so. It's 5 a.m. I don't want to be there. His friends are all around me. You never wanted to be there. I never wanted to be there. His friends are all around me. It's so goddamn embarrassing in my opinion. It's ridiculous. I would have been in bed asleep. Well, because now you're sobbing at the Red Rock and all his friends can see you. Wait, sorry. No.
I know. So I just leave. I leave sobbing tail between my legs. My friends take me. I go home, whatever. I text him. I say, you're dead to me. I literally, I wish you the perfect worst. You're dead to me. Blah, blah, blah. Doesn't deliver. Obviously his phone's off. I wake up the next day to a novella three part series on how he's not sure what this is anymore because I can't stop posting this boy on my Snapchat. About, oh, you don't leave at the Red Rock. Don't even sit there and justify that. Eat
It's so fine if you feel that way. Communicate that to me. Even, don't, don't, don't count down me like it's New Year's Eve. Three more days, two more days, one more day. Tell me you're fucking mad forever ago or that you don't want to be with me or that you don't want to be cool with me forever ago. Don't invite me to like hang out and talk and have closure and be cool that night. Yeah, I agree. I think that you should have, I think you should have led with that because I mean, devil's advocate, listen, I'm always in your corner. I'm always going to be on your team. No one should be left at the Red Rock. No one should be left.
But I will say like before you guys had even broken up, you were talking about being single on podcasts and stuff. And then now you have like, I'm not saying we should be together. I know, but I'm just, I'm just saying like maybe from his, his end, he was like, she kind of plagued me. I'm going to,
I'm going to do a little in a reverse. And little does he know, I'm just a codependent piece of shit, you know? I understand completely the frustration, like the things he was saying in his message were like valid, you know? But be consistent. If you're mad about that and you're already like feeling some type of way about it, lead with that. Don't get all the way to the red rock before you decide that that's a deal breaker. And don't make me drive all the way to some... I guess he didn't make me drive all the way to some... I talked him down there. But like don't... You understand what I'm trying to say. I totally do. He was completely in the wrong and you did nothing. I'm...
I'm not saying that. No, I'm serious. It was just the way it was handled. And whatever. I don't even know. So I sobbed the whole day home. So did you, like, would you respond like, it's nothing with the guy on Snapchat or what? No, no. I was just like, I feel you completely, but there's no fucking way in the world you should handle that. Like a fucking child like that. Like, you're awful. That's so embarrassing. And then he's like, you don't deserve this, Jenna. I love you. I still want to marry you. Pfft.
Suck my fucking dick. Sent me a country song like two nights ago all about like the love of his life. I was like, you left me at the Red Rock. You left me at the Red Rock. It's really bad. Yeah, so that was the story. What was the country song? The country song was. I'm really eager to know. Do you remember when the guy sent me a B.O.B. song? Yeah. Dude. I'm not fucking kidding. A man sent me a song one time and said that this reminds me of you and it was a B.O.B. song. And this was a month ago. Oh.
She played it. It was the most embarrassing. It was such a sweet song. It was In Case You Didn't Know by Brett Young. That's cute. In case you didn't know. It's not cute when you got left at the Red Rock. Baby, I'm crazy. At all. Is that the song? I just can't even actually believe it.
trisha paytas's response to colleen ballinger's apology fuck colleen oh my god like i when we were laughing about it like on the last episode i kept saying i didn't really like know enough i know i don't know i think it was after our episode or after we filmed our episode when all the trisha stuff started happening but i was distraught because i love trisha who the fuck does that to someone
Miranda Sings. If I found out like you did that to me. Yeah. Imagine I was like just like sending your like nudes to some random person being like I just don't even want to say the thing she was saying but like
Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew. And especially like someone you collaborate with and like work with. Was she not scared? Imagine like Jeff did that to you. If I knew that I had ever had an interaction with that or like that about somebody, don't get into business with that person. Don't like, don't be friends with that person. Like, did she not have like guilt? Did she not have like impending doom? Like eventually she's going to find out about this? I would. Clearly I can do a lot of things that aren't good.
But I could never in a million years imagine myself doing that. When I was younger, I would do things like online and stuff that were like probably horrible. And also just, yeah, you're a grown ass woman. You're sending that to your young fans. Yeah, she was so much older than is like excusable for something like that. Not that there's any age that it is excusable, but like. Maybe a 14 year old. If she was like 12 or something, I'd be like, okay, like she didn't know better. But like what?
What? Like she was older than I am right now doing that. Yes. I think so. Yeah. She's like 30 something and this wasn't like like Trisha's only had an OnlyFans for like so long. I just feel for Trisha it makes me sad. I want her to know she does have like a friend and
You or me or other people. I love her so much. And I feel like she can't catch a break. She's always getting dragged into stuff even when she's not. Do you know that they were starting a podcast together? Yeah, that's why I said get into business with somebody. Because I saw that and I thought that they had already started it. I thought for some reason that they... They'd filmed like four episodes, I think. And were posting together as this shit came out. If I was Trisha, I would kill her. Me too. But I feel like Trisha's grown. She's busy. She's being a mother and she's being a healed individual. And everybody...
Oh my god, it makes me so upset. I'm like, as another highly emotional person, leave her alone. Yeah. Fuck Colleen Ballinger. Justice for Trisha. Fuck Colleen. I actually need to unfollow her. It's been my new thing, like unfollowing people live. Can you still follow her? I just forgot. I never followed her, Trisha. I'm gonna literally cry. No, I'm not worth tears. I swear to God.
No, this is a good thing. I love you. I'm Josh. I love you too. Nice to meet you. My God. You did it. Josh, we did it. I've been having a panic attack all day. I'm like, I loved you in Alzheimer's. That's so nice. Oh my gosh. I've said it on every episode since I've seen it. Josh Peck is here every day.
everybody on the canceled podcast we love to see it oh my god just no applause we're in a silent room Josh how are you I'm so happy to see you I'm so happy to see you Brooke she has been so on to me all day it's actually crazy no cause I'm like I'm never on time for the podcast and all day I'm like we have to start at 530 she was giving me
major like fishy vibes like she's like she's like are we gonna be ready for 5:30 I'm like you don't care about that's tough at all and then we told her that our friend Ryan was coming but it's like all this planning for Ryan like we would just never do that I know but then I was like she must really have a crush on Ryan cuz like she even put shoes on cuz she didn't want the bottom of her feet to be black it was for you but who's Ryan just our friend like he's just our little friend but
I surprised you with the conversation. That is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. I'm like, it's so nice to meet you. It's such an honor to meet you. I don't understand, but I really appreciate it. Well, I mean, you should understand. I always sound like a man.
But like the rasp level of my voice right now is actually scary. You know, I used to like literally try to hurt myself. I used to try to scratch my throat with things so that I really am dead serious so that I would have a raspy voice because I love them so much. That is the most Brooke coded sentiment I've ever heard. Because Brooke Davis on One Tree Hill has a raspy voice and I wanted to be her so bad. I also used to stick a pen in my cheek to try to get a dimple.
There's absolutely no way. And there's evidence to support it working. I just personally, it didn't work for me. There's evidence. No, don't take my word for that. Do not stick a pen in your cheek. But I also, I was just an idiot. You know, I used to lay, this is a true story. I used to lay on my bed under my light bulb, just naked thinking I was going to get a tan. Yeah.
Do you remember back in the day on the canceled podcast when you said that you used a magic eraser to take off your spray tans? Yeah. And then Lauren Gray did it and got a chemical. She got chemical burns. Yeah. That's why we never, ever, ever refer to the canceled podcast for any sort of actual advice. At all. Seriously. It's actually terrifying. It really is. Let it be known. I'm like disclaimer right now. Nothing we say is to be taken seriously. At all. Oh my God.
Essentially, I went on this date with this hinge man. It was a super good date. He seemed like a super good guy. What he did for a living was really funny. He plays monsters in scary movies because he's 6'8". And it's like that no one does that. So it was really funny. We talk about it like whatever. And actually the night of the White Fox event as well. So I just we shot that episode the day of the White Fox event. And I had just gone out with him on a date the night prior. Right. And the next day he was like, I would love to see you tonight. Right.
And I was like, okay, I have this event. Like, I'll let you know, like, you know what I'm doing after. Like, we can hang out. Like, maybe. Like, if not, you know. Like, I'll let you know. And then he goes, can I come with you? And I go, I find it very weird that when you go on one date with someone, them inviting them. Like, you know what I mean? It's a bold ask, for sure. I wouldn't do it. But you're also 34. I wouldn't be like, yeah, can I come? You're also 34. Like...
I also have to like do my thing at these events like take photos all night like post for white box like stand up at the DJ booth and like get my little shit like work like network kiss babies I know that that sounds so like corny but it's like I was paid to be there like I was paid to be there for a reason like to and I don't want to like babysit this like six eight horror movie man all night like I want to like be able to just do my thing and I say like
I don't know. Like, let's meet up after. And he's like, why not? Like, I can talk to people too. I'm like, so what? You're going to talk to like all like, like you're going to talk to Georgia. You do not want to have Diablo all night. Like you're 34. Like I find that to be kind of strange, you know? And so I was like, maybe I'll see you later. And so after the white box event,
went by, we ended up going to this after party, right? -TW, after party. -You and I went to different things. You went to Dyka's house and I went to this place called Off Sunset. Wait, I actually went to Off Sunset too. Oh, okay, okay. So I stayed there. And I was there on a vibe, on my little after party vibe. I just got my bag. I just didn't work with my favorite fucking company. Things are great.
And so he's texting me and he's like, "What are you doing?" And I'm like, "Oh, I'm just still at this afternoon hanging out with my friends." Like, I know it's like 1:15 a.m. Like, it's kind of late, but if you wanted to like watch a movie later, hang out, like, I could potentially be down, but like,
you know like I'm gonna be here for a second like blah blah blah and he's like it's okay like I'm tired I'm in for like I'm either in for the night or I'm down to watch a movie in a little bit if you're done soon like blah blah blah and I'm like okay perfect and he goes where are you and I'm like you're like none of your fucking business well no I answer him just because I like he it's just conversational I'm like I'm at all I don't like where this is going he's like where are you and I'm like oh I'm at off sunset like just vibing with my friends like I'll tell you when I'm done tell me this man did not show up
Five, five, not one, not two, not three, not four, but five minutes go by and he texts me and says, "I'm outside. Come get in my car, I'm outside." - Insane. - I live five minutes away, I'm outside. And I go, "What do you mean you're outside?"
and he's like i'm outside like come get and i go did i not just tell you i'm with my friends i'm having fun like who said pick me up i like and i i think that's so crazy i think it's one thing if it's like your boyfriend like fine yeah it's your boyfriend it's fine go get in the car or tell your boyfriend to come in do do your thing show up wherever i am or even if we're like have been dating for like a month we went on one date the day before why the are you outside don't be outside and so then
He's like, I'm outside. And I'm like, that is, I literally responded, that is not what I meant. I just wanted to watch a movie, blah, blah, blah. And then he's like, I'm not some type of booty call. Like, I want to see you. I'm like, what do you mean? Either way, I'd be seeing you at 2 a.m. You already had these plans tonight. Yeah. And it's not. These potential plans.
No, I'm saying like you had you had your own thing going on and you had like that was yeah already And like either way I'd be seeing you at 2 a.m. At my house. What's the difference? You just want me to go with you now? Also, that's fucking weird. Like what do you mean? And then he starts texting me all these texts and he's like
i packed a bag with my toothbrush you're really gonna do this to me who the wait hold i swear to god scary i know no i know i know i packed a bag with my toothbrush you're really gonna do this to me like what do you mean come outside right now i'm outside and i'm like love you so much i'm not coming out you do not love him so much no at all literally at all but i'm just saying i didn't say that but i'm just saying like
you're hot and i had fun but like i'm not coming outside so fucking weird do not show up where i am do not pack a bag what is wrong with you absolutely what the actual fuck is wrong with you so then he sends me i kid you not 25 texts in a row like just gray scrolling like like so what are we doing like all just all this random ass shit like
I don't even know and I just ghost him and I continue on my night and I go home and I go to bed well I didn't go to bed but I won't tell you what I did yet that's for a different podcast anyways um I'm like we're already at an hour and boy do we have stuff to say this is gonna be a two-hour podcast you guys wanted no guest episodes so and sorry Aaron I'll pay you over time but anyways I go home I go to bed I wake up the next day and he texts me and he goes
Sorry I did all that last night. Like I was really tired. Was he drunk driving? No. No. I don't believe him. I hate to be so offensive but that would almost be better. Like he's sober. He doesn't drink. And you're doing that sober which is also just mind. I need hypnotherapy. I almost said
No, no, no. Like he doesn't drink. Like that is a good thing. I don't know why I'm like, love a sober. I love a sober guy. Shut up. I'm done yet again. I love a sober guy. Like that's not, no, but, and so I was like,
First of all, in my head, it's like you were really tired. That's why you stopped me down. You know how easy it is to get tired? That is not normal tired behavior. I was really tired. That's not tired behavior. Ted Bundy didn't go on the stand in court and say, oh, I was really tired. Sorry, I was sleepy. I was going to say kill yourself. And if anyone's watching in the video version, I actually just had to like choke my, like stop myself from saying that. I know you didn't mean it. I have a problem with saying that too lightly. Anyways, I think we should bring it back.
Sorry. No. Yeah, honestly, fucking kill yourself. Anyways, um, it's just our I call him. And he's like, What do you mean? I couldn't come to your little event? Like, what's your job like getting bottle service bought for you and people film it?
And I'm like, "What's your job? Being a fucking slender man?" A monster! And also, like, yeah, that's my job. I'm sorry. That's... Yeah, I guess... Yes, that's what I do for a living. You know how, like, how exciting that is? Like, that gets to be your job? Thank you. I just don't even understand. It's like a club appearance. It's not that uncommon of a thing in today's date that someone's job is a club appearance.
it i it just made no sense to me whatever if he's been on a date with you he should have like at least a superficial understanding of what you do and what you're about he did and so it was like what is so and and why would i want you there like where are your social cues to the extent of understanding that like why would i want someone i've been on one date with to be on my arm while i have 50 cameras on me like i don't why would i want that that's giving me um
Bloodsucker fame fucker, but doesn't even like dry like a goddamn vampire and you'd think that but it's like you can just tell he's on a Clouches here. He still has no idea what I do Like it's just condescending towards it. Whatever. Well, that's what I would and so we get in this whole thing sir And and on the phone he goes he goes that strike one. I know you're gonna make it up to me and I go bitch
i'm sorry you don't know who the fuck you just went on a date with clearly if that's strike one with you you should turn around and run can i tell you what you did wrong it should not have even gotten to this point in conversation i would have blocked that man but before he had the chance to say well and to be clear no i wouldn't have but a normal person would have i'm gonna screenshot these photos to insert into the podcast but i'm gonna show you right now
He is, we get off this call and I'm getting on a plane. Oh, this doesn't end. And I'm getting on a plane to Vegas, right? After this whole call of me being like, you don't know who you're dating if that's strike one. And if that's strike one to you, I also have no respect for that. Like you wanted to come to something you were uninvited to and then you showed up somewhere you were uninvited to try to pick me up and I didn't want to get in your car because it's fucking weird. I literally made him
meet me at our day first of all you're giving me serial killer yeah and i told him on our first date i met you he was trying to pick me up for our first date i said i met you here because i don't trust people that i meet like off rip like that you know yeah and so it's like if you don't know tana is very particular like she will not get paranoid uber by herself like no you're safe like you're safe i have blind trust there is a level of paranoia but like i mean i have blind trust in everybody and that's how you get like murdered and trafficked or something
You are very smart about that. You're not going to meet somebody the first time, like in a private setting. Like you're very, very good about that. Or the first five times, especially if you're from Hinge. It's one thing. We have mutual friends. Cool. That's true. Like I've never met a stranger. Like weird. And so we get off this whole call of a fight. Do you want to see the photos he texted me? I'm about to insert them. I swear to God, we have this whole call. We have this whole call. Okay. I hang up. I get on my flight to Vegas. I'm on my flight to Vegas.
What am I seeing? Meat at a grocery store. Like look at it. I don't know. Who sent me a photo of meat at a grocery store? Meat. Meat. Wait, what? Meat. Look, look, look. Meat photo. Like a literal... Wait, hold on. It says pork bung. Why do you send me... I don't know. Wait. Meat at a grocery store.
And then this little English muffin. And I'm not going to say his name. Let's say his name was Zach. Let's say his name was Zach. I go, Zach what? No, it can't be Zach. We did too much Zach content on this podcast. Just Brad. Oh, Brad. I go, I'm a Brad. Josh, Jeff, we've done it all.
Sends me more food. There's no context? No context. I go, you just told me that was my first strike and that my job is silly and then you sent me deli store meats. I would have responded and said the T-bone is strike three. Absolutely. You're a scary guy. So then just keeps blowing me up like all these great texts and I'm just being like, sorry, I'm busy, blah, blah, blah.
And the other night goes by. This is the end of the story. I just have to get to this because only a serial killer would do this. Listen, I'm loving this story. Only a serial killer would fucking do this. I also just want to put it out there. He called me this morning so many times when I do not disturb was off. I was in bed with other boyfriend and I go, what the fuck? Anyways. Um,
He texts me out of the blue while I'm at the club the other night for new potential boyfriend Suter's birthday. You're so good. And I'm with new potential boyfriend Suter and I'm at the club for his birthday for a little bit. And the Hinge guy texts me and says, and he's texted me like seven gray texts before this. And he says, I think there's an echo in here, which is a very funny thing to say. Hilarious. Honestly. And I'm not going to lie. I'm going to use it. So.
zach brad whatever cc yeah whatever your name is like thank you so much honestly for that joke and i said oh do you ha ha ha and he goes i've never blindly texted so much someone so much in my life like i don't know if this girl's feeling me or not i need a heat check blah blah blah she's not feeling you you sent her meat yeah and stalked me down i go you're funny i truly appreciate it
He goes all this shit like this whole conversation like do you appreciate it blah blah blah I'm just like clowning him back and then he goes where are you though? Well if I did not learn my lesson and I go I'm not at off sunset but how funny. You should have told him like a really funny place. Oh wait for it Brooke. God you're good.
You're my fucking soulmate for that. He goes, I love that. Where are you though? I'm at home in my underwear. I'm not showing up. If you have to tell someone that you've been on one date with that, you're not going to show up to where they are. You're a fucking murderer. That is, if there were a color redder than red. Murderer. Murderer. And I go, I'm at Disneyland.
He's like Anaheim, 48 minutes. Fuck off. I said, I'm on Magic Mountain wearing a poncho. Meet me under the castle.
You are hilarious. And it just kept going. And he was like clowning me. And then he texted me randomly and said, I bet you're super close to my house. And I go, actually, I'm on Space Mountain. You're like Matterhorn is amazing. Yeah. Don't know. What a fucking creeper. Anyway, I'm never getting on him. So then he sent me like 17 texts. His last one just says, Tan, my integrity wanes.
with like a little sad emoji. I mean, he sounds like he's an intellectual. Very smart guy. Like what's Wayne's? Smart friend. Like I know what Wayne's means, but like I would never use it in a sentence. No, and also was just like, no, texting me is so smart. And that's what sucks is I love a smart guy being like, how's your clandestine suave? Me too, but like we were talking about like overlooking things. That is not overlookable. That is a block your number. I never see you again. I actually should block him. I should do it right now.
