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But like the rasp level of my voice right now is actually scary. You know, I used to like literally try to hurt myself. I used to try to scratch my throat with things so that I really am dead serious so that I would have a raspy voice because I love them so much. That is the most Brooke coded sentiment I've ever heard. Because Brooke Davis on One Tree Hill has a raspy voice and I wanted to be her so bad. I also used to stick a pen in my cheek to try to get a dimple.
There's absolutely no way. And there's evidence to support it working. I just personally, it didn't work for me. There's evidence. No, don't take my word for that. Do not stick a pen in your cheek. But I also, I was just an idiot. You know, I used to lay, this is a true story. I used to lay on my bed under my light bulb, just naked thinking I was going to get a tan. Yeah.
Stop. Do you remember back in the day on the canceled podcast when you said that you used a magic eraser to take off your spray tans? Yeah. And then Lauren Gray did it and got a chemical. She got chemical burns. Yeah. That's why we never, ever, ever refer to the canceled podcast for any sort of actual advice. At all. Seriously. It's actually terrifying. It really is. Let it be known. I'm like disclaimer right now. Nothing we say is to be taken seriously. At all. Oh my God.
Hi. Hello. How are you? I am better than ever, Tana Marie. How are you? Weirdly also better than ever, but we can unpack that. We can unpack. I know I don't look it. I'm not giving it. I know. You look amazing.
Definitely not giving it. Reddit thinks I'm on meth. The whole thing. I heard about that through the grapevine because you know I've banned myself from Reddit. Lila. You should get you should read up on it. Lila Gibney comes into my room and goes Reddit thinks you're on meth. I go good morning. Your TikToks were kind of giving meth. Yeah they were. I was just drunk as hell at Friendsgiving. But every Friendsgiving is so drunk and like not wholesome.
Like think about the Bryce year. Oh yeah. Like everyone just. I was involved in a physical altercation. We always say Friendsgiving, but we should really just say like purgatory with some stuffing. Yeah. I've never once eaten at Friendsgiving. Like I'm always way too drunk by the time. Well, your green bean casserole looked delicious. Dropped it on the floor. Started sobbing. Had to remake it.
Didn't eat it. No one ate it. Oh, well, it looks good. Well, actually, people ate it, but I didn't. So, you know, absolutely. Well, just landing from a flight to and then like landing from a flight and then making a casserole is just like the weirdest set of two actions. Those are two like really normal things to do. I guess it just didn't feel that way.
Anyway, you came back from Hawaii. What was the deal there? You said you were going to Hawaii. I know there's differing opinions on why you went to Hawaii. One of them is correct and one of them is your version. Wow. It's like Taylor's version. Hawaii. Tana's version. Tell me about Hawaii, Tana's version. I feel like I went there for some answers. Some, you know, questions that just stay up here in my little walnut brain. And I got some answers.
And I had an amazing time. I met the love of my life. I'm actually not kidding.
I think I met my husband. He's downstairs. I don't want to sound corny, but like when you know, you know. Is that weird? Yeah. No, it's not. It's not. But in my entire life, I felt this way meeting someone about like two people ever. Actually, it's not Santana shit. I will not say who they were, but you know who they are. I wonder. I can try to think if I've ever had a moment like that. I don't think I have where I meet someone and I'm like, oh, this is my guy. Because never. I have this list of like what I want in someone's personality, you know? Give it to me. Funny.
Like smart enough to be funny in a smart way. Do you know what I mean? You really can't be that funny if you're not smart or I'm laughing at you. Exactly. And that's just the worst thing in the world. Like...
Passion for life, passion for something, like, you know what I mean? Happy, honest to God, like someone who's just happy and treats me happily. I woke up the other day to him being like, good morning, princess. Like, how did you sleep? Like, what can I get you? Do you need any water? Do you need anything? And I was actually like transcending to parts of my life where I'd wake up and Chris would be like, my Uber's already outside. I want to leave.
Like, you know. Poor Chris. He just gets it every time. I know. Because it's such a catalyst of so many things in my head. And someone tweeted me that the other day. They were like, I wish Tana understood that like no one knows anything about Chris Miles. And I'm like, yes. But like he's a character. He's such a major character in our lives. Yeah, exactly. Like I'm not. Yeah, whatever. So I go to Hawaii and I feel like.
I really wanted to see if I feel like there's more out there away from L.A. Well, I feel like, yes, in Hawaii, there's definitely more out there in Hawaii. Yes, but like actually feeling that, you know what I mean? Like not...
Like, could I live a different life somewhere else as a different person? And like, would I be happy? And is that what I need? You know? And yes, it is. Definitely learned that. Okay. Do you think LA is the problem? I think what LA has done to me is the problem. What about what you've done to LA? Yeah.
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So real. So real. Like we've, it's like a, like I'm having a healthy breakup with LA. Like we, we are better apart. No, I get what you're saying though. You know, when you like, even if I go to like Arizona for a while, I, I, a lot of times I go home and I'm like, I want to stay. Yeah. Cause it's just, people are, I mean, we talked about this so much on the last episode. I know they're over us saying it like, Oh, LA sucks. Yeah. Like it doesn't suck. It's an amazing place to live. It's yeah. It's just the realm of people that,
We are surrounded That we are choosing To surround ourselves Yeah exactly Exactly Yes But knowing that there are Normal people out there Who have Normal Ideations Of Everything Is awesome You know Not that I'm necessarily normal But it's nice to Be refreshed It sucks kind of too Because not that you don't have Like normal friends from home But Vegas is so similar to LA In that it's like
You know, just a million miles an hour. Like, yeah, you can't go there and just like separate. Like I can go home and it's very like slow paced. It's fun. Yeah. Like no. In like a wholesome way. It's the same city just in a desert. You know, that's arguably worse in my opinion. Arguably worse. Like 100%.
It was just being around all the Hawaiians was so interesting because everyone just wakes up every day in Hawaii and they just think to themselves, what do I want to do that's going to make me happy? Like, yeah, that's it. Like, well, that's easy to do in Hawaii. You can wake up and be like, yeah, I could go to the beach. I could eat a coconut. Just living a lifestyle where it's like,
I'm going to be happy all day and I'm going to fit what I like have to do into that, you know, whereas I feel like here it's like I'm going to do what I have to do and I'm going to try to fit happiness into that. You know what confuses me a little? You always say that you're you're not depressed and you've never been depressed, but you kind of sound depressed. I'm so fucking depressed. Yeah, because because I have always felt that way until like now I'm medicated. So now I like I really am happy all day. Yeah, mostly. I know it doesn't seem that way.
But I am like, you know what I mean? I feel like that could be something to exploit, not diagnosing you or anything. No, no, no, no, no. I realized like you're depressed when I said that to you, like,
On the last episode, like I came to that realization probably like a month ago. I was like, damn, I'm I'm depressed and I know why now, you know, like I feel like I've been depressed before, but it's like I didn't know why I wasn't acknowledging that. There's not even always a reason. Yeah. But 100 percent, I know what's like depressing me and like what I like. I made a list. I really I wrote out every single thing in Hawaii of like what I have to do to.
become happy and whole again and well that's good I know that's your first step and that's good my first step spend a little less time here okay you know well that's realistic yeah I know but I get what you're saying though like I was literally just in Cleveland which is like the most random place to be but like walking around and seeing just everyone like regular normal people going to jobs and like
It's cool. Even in New York, I had this like weird out of body realization when I was there. I was just like sitting people watching like at a restaurant. And I was like every single person who's like walking by me is like so different, like dressed so different, like doing whatever the fuck they are doing for themselves, walking to work, like biking, whatever. Just like and everyone here is like constantly putting on a show. Like you sit down at a cafe. Performative. Yeah.
Exactly. Like, and that's the worst thing about LA. It feels like everyone's performing. I just saw a TikTok of somebody who like is just making an absolute scene in the street and you notice just everybody, no one even looks at you in New York because everybody's just minding their own business. Everybody's so focused on what they're doing. Yeah. And it's like, you and I could go to a cafe right now and we would just see...
100 people who look exactly the same well you have to think about like when i go out here if i go shopping or if i go to eat or anything i always just expect that i'm gonna either see someone i know or somebody who knows me like not not that like yeah no i get what you're saying i you know it's like i have to like dress a certain way and stuff just to feel like safe exactly
And then in every other city, you just see normal fucking people being fucking normal. I was just dicking around in the park the whole fucking time in Cleveland. Like that's awesome. That's awesome. And you're not thinking about how do I look dicking around in the park? How am I being perceived dicking around in the park? Don't care. I was line scootering by myself again. Please don't die on the line scooter. I can't lose you like that. Listen, I wanted to go fast.
Oh my god. Well, I'm happy you got a little bit of what you were looking for. It looked like you had a lot of fun. You came back with a boyfriend. He's here. Listen to this story, actually. Like, it's actually the cutest story in the world. Well, it's not, but it's Tana coded cute, okay? Boyfriend's name is Makoa. There's other Makoa. Straight up. Oh, no. I'm never going to disrespect him. I have no worry, which is huge for me. That's how you know. Okay.
Other Makoa, Makoa Ho, who we've known forever. He kind of got brought into the friend group by Trevi and had a little situation with Amari and lived in Sherman Oaks with us essentially for two years. And he moved back to Hawaii. Such a fun time. Such a fucking fun time. And he's like Hawaii, like royalty. Yeah, so his dad is famous surfer. The king of pipeline. Derek Ho.
And so he's the president of Hawaii. It was I need to actually tell you some hilarious. The president of Hawaii thought he was. No, no. McCullough was the president of Hawaii because I was like, I thought he was just a really amazing surfer. No, it's just the way that everyone on that island like respects and idolizes his dad, like has created this life for him where he's like famous as fuck there. Essentially, you know, I have to tell you some hilarious anecdotes actually about.
in Hawaii. It was unlike anything I've ever seen in my life. But I get to Hawaii and every time I get there, I always text Makoa and Amber because they're kind of my piece of LA friends who live there and they show you the island and you get to do things the local way and that's awesome and amazing. And I'm beyond grateful for them. Anyways, we sit down at dinner. It's my first night in Hawaii. Makoa was there. He's drunk as hell.
I'm sitting in a wooden chair, right? And it's like all of us. Amber's boyfriend is besties with my husband. Perfect. So they're there. Yeah, it was so cute. We were like double dating all around the island, like being so adorable the entire time. I can't. So I'm just meeting them. Like, you know what I mean? I was like, hi, hi guys. Like we smoke a joint and then we go to dinner. So I'm just meeting the boys. But...
So Makoa Ho's at dinner and he's drunk as fuck. And I'm sitting in this wooden chair and he decides he wants to make it a rocking chair. It's not a rocking chair. It's a stable chair on four legs. DIY. You know? Yep. Comes and gets in the chair like behind me and is trying to like rock us back and forth. And I'm yelling at him. I'm screaming like, stop, stop, Makoa. This is going to end horribly. Like, get the fuck off me. You know what I mean? I put my foot down on the ground. The leg falls.
stabs through my big toe blood everywhere i'm looking at the beautiful waikiki beach i'm gushing blood i start immediately sobbing it's the worst type of pain like scream crying you get used to it though trust me yeah apparently this is a whole thing that i didn't like it is and it's very common and i think i've spoken about this on the podcast before but i do not have either of my big toenails my nail girl was giving me a pedicure covering my toe is completely blue my toe is
Cerulean. That's the beginning. It's going to fall off. She looks me dead in the face and she goes, for sure, your toenail is going to fall off. And you just don't understand how hard it is to grow a new toenail. Oh my God.
I've never had anything like that. It happened to me. Same situation. Blunt force trauma. Okay? Two separate frat parties. All right? Notice I said frat parties. I haven't been in college in fucking eight years. Please don't look me in the face right now and tell me you still have issues with the toenails. It doesn't grow. Like, my toenails won't grow, like, longer than the tiniest little bit. So I have to glue, like, a fake toenail on to them. That's what Shirley told me. To make it a normal-sized toenail. That I'm going to need, like, an acrylic nail tip. Well, your sweet assistant has the same situation going on right now. It's very common. I never know.
knew this no toenails no problem I never knew this would be a part of my journey I did I I saw it coming from you seriously wow that's actually the most horrible thing anyone's ever said to me it's so crazy though honestly because because it happened to me two separate times and it's like I realize it's so easy and it amazes me that anybody has a real toenail it's so I'm holding my breath but weirdly that did make me feel a little better no it's I don't know I don't understand and it's like
Like, it's just they grow in a certain way. It, like, doesn't attach anymore, like, really to the nail bed. Please stop. Okay, okay, enough. I'm going to have to actually just, like, I have to take it day by day. If you are a podiatrist, literally give me a call. No podiatrists probably watch Canceled. I was just going to say, you know there's one podiatrist out there watching Canceled. I just want to know my next steps because I can't live that way forever. What if I'm ever, like, stranded on a desert island and I can't find kiss, press on toe nails? Please, please, please, please fucking stop it.
This is why no one will date me. Toenails gushing blood. I'm screaming, sobbing. I meet this man. I've known him for 15 minutes. He goes and gets a cup of ice water and he's shoving my toe into the ice. Goes and gets me Tylenol. Is sitting there talking to me being like, I've never met a cuter girl with a broken tail. Broken tail. Broken toenail. Here's what I have to say. I know I wasn't cute. You know what I mean? Like I was actually a literal mess. And to like meet that way and like,
have someone like take spends the next two days carrying me around. I couldn't walk like just carrying me all around the island being like, where do you want to go? Where can I carry you to like happy to do it? And I was like, yeah, no one's carrying me anywhere. If you like me with no toenail, you're going to be pleasantly surprised when I not only have a blowout, but I'm not sobbing. Like it was just great to like meet someone at like objectively my worst look.
And then like, yeah, it's only up from here, you know? Yeah. Like my hair is fucking disgusting. I'm pale as hell. I'm covered in bruises now from toe gate. What was this the night that you had your slicked back bun? No. And you know, what's funny is I looked better with that slicked back bun.
No, it really did. I think slick back bun really got me. No, but like how that's what I imagine how ugly I was. I looked better with the bun that you're talking about than I did. Well, you looked amazing. I'm not I'm not. But I don't slick back my hair like it's tape ends and I just put conditioner until something. I remember I have a video of you doing it on a jet one time and I was like, oh, you asked me for if I had any product to use and you used body lotion.
Just lick it back. When my hair gets to that weird point, I swear to God, it's like, give me ranch. Like, I'll use ranch as most. Like, it just gets to a point where it's like, I just don't give a shit and there's no fixing it. You know? Yeah, I get that. It looks great right now. I need to read you a real text from this man. Would live through toe and roach gate again any day, baby. Best.
Bed felt empty last night. Less laughs and less loving on you. Hope you're basking in the sunshine and taking care of yourself today. Will be daydreaming about choking you. Sorry for the last part. However, I couldn't write a better text. Yeah, that's a very tanner coded. That's like using togate, like using my lingo. Yeah, it was all around a really great text question. And I'm not being negative.
Is this love bombing? Can he hear me? I just have to be careful these days because I'm a victim. I know. And so do I. And we actually have like several conversations about that. But I also like, I always say this. I just, sometimes you really just do feel that way. And,
even if he is love bombing me, I can't take away like my connection to him. I've never had like better, deeper conversations. Like I've never like, Oh, you also didn't meet in a situation where it's like, Oh, you can go on one date. Wait a week and go on another date. It's kind of like you, you just were there and then you had to obviously bring him home. Absolutely. Spent, we spent five days together. He doesn't live on that Island first of all. So he flies home to Maui where he lives. And I'm like, I miss you. Like, please come back. Like I can't,
live another day of my life without you flies back from Maui like surprises me like flies back goes home does work comes back I get here same thing I'm like I can't I can't live without you I don't know what to do we'll see what happens well you know what I have high hopes for this situation I love to see you with any man who you know has promise
And he has promised for sure. Very tall, very good looking. I'm so in love. It's actually terrifying me. Yay. Wait, in love? No, not literally. Oh. But like I want to say it. You know, you know when that is like when you like someone so much. Yeah. I always feel that way though and it always puts me in trouble. I think the problem is I never feel that way. Oh. Do you know what I mean? Hmm. No.
I usually hate whoever I'm talking to. Oh. And I'm usually like. Sorry. Aaron knows that. I'm always telling Aaron how much I hate whatever man I'm with. And I'm always putting out like a bullet point list of like why this person would be good for me, but I don't feel like I'm trying to make myself feel. I just usually like won't even keep them around if I feel that way. Like any guy who I am keeping around, I like really like probably. That's not true. You just lied. I know. Yeah, I know. Sometimes I just say things about myself that aren't true.
don't know though because like i well if you think about it all the guys you can think of i probably really liked them is like is love bombing deliberate like yeah usually it like the it sometimes it can just like happen but usually it's like a narcissist's like strategy to reel you in before they start just being horrible okay so there's a difference between really liking someone yeah sometimes you really don't just like somebody that much like
doing things to almost manipulate someone into thinking, you know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I had one of those. They like you. As I'm staring at a monson piano. It's like, you cussed me out that night. Oh, okay. I understand now. You know. Okay. Yeah. Anytime I've ever been, like, horribly love-bombed, like, it affected me. You know what I mean? But there's a little bit. I love getting love-bombed, though. Like, there's just nothing like it, and I hate it.
It just is like such a shitty feeling after you have been love bombed to all of a sudden not be love bombed because you're like, oh, this man hates me. Like, oh, you can go a week without seeing me. You hate me. It actually it does fuck you up for life. I agree with that completely. Like getting love bombed heavily and then experience. And also so many times in a row. I feel like I've had so many like but it's because I always attract like low key like a narcissist or like or narcissist adjacent. But I am not a narcissist. You always call me that.
A narcissist would die. I'm not. I am not a narcissist. I'm not. Anyway, let's talk about me for a second. For those of you who don't remember, Flaky Flake was the younger guy that I was seeing for a second. Then he ended things with me or something. Because he could never commit to any plan ever. That's why we call him Flaky Flake. We were talking probably six months ago or so. Maybe more.
During that time, he had invited me to something. He invited me to this thing and I was like, it's in November. There's no way you and I are still going to be talking by November. He said, even if we're not... I don't know why I said that, by the way. I willed it into existence. He said, no matter what, I will not revoke your invite. But this is flaky flake. He flaked on things that he made a day ago. So I'm like, why would he ever keep up with that? Sends me a text a couple days ago and he goes...
tonight is the night he goes I got you a ticket why do I have chills like it's beautiful well it is a beautiful story because I've had this bad taste in my mouth about him for all that time because I just did not like how he handled that situation so it's so refreshing I was like oh my god look at him committing to his word I find it like so weirdly cute I think like anything is cute if it's like after all this time you still thought about it you know yeah well I could low-key like I mean I did pressure him into it but like
It's still, you know what? Leave that out. Drafts. I don't, like, I would never talk to him again, but I do want to be his friend. Like, I love him. Yeah. So it's like, now I just feel better about it. And I'm like, okay, you're not flaky flake. No, if I actually had to guess in a month from now, you guys will be like semi-dating again. No. But I love it. We were never dating to begin with. It was just like, I was getting love bumps. Seriously. No. Real. Did you go? Yeah, I went. How was it interacting? It was good. I honestly, like...
I don't want to like say because I don't want to like just emotionally. How was it interacting? No, it was good. It was great to see him. Gave him a hug. We didn't speak that much, but it was just like it was just the thought of it. Like the just the idea, like the full circle. It always like, OK, good job. You kept your word. I will stop talking shit about you on the podcast. And now that brings me to my next question. No, but we can't. I actually haven't seen you in like a minute now. So I have so many like real life questions and updates that I need. But it's like.
A lot of them can't be podcast topics. I've been getting in trouble for talking about people on the podcast. Which is just so sad. You know what they say. We say it all the time. If you don't want me to write bad songs about you, don't do bad things. I haven't even said bad things about anybody on this podcast in a really long time. But apparently some people just don't even want to be on here. Which is crazy. Because there's lots of people who do. It's such...
It's such a real thing though. Like that I never knew when we started this podcast that like people would start treating you really differently because they're like afraid of being on the podcast or they want to be on the podcast. I wish that were the case. I wish that everyone were treating me really well.
For fear of being spoken about. Right. But people just keep treating us like shit. And then they're mad when it's on the fucking podcast. And as much as I want to say, like, listen, I respect your privacy. I'm not going to talk about you on the podcast. That's there's not any longevity there because this is my job. Weirdest job ever. And I love my audience. Absolutely. And I want to share with them everything that I can. Absolutely. I couldn't agree more. It actually like.
I wish that the audience knew the like painstaking feeling that we'll have when like we want to podcast about something but can't like we actually like want to tell y'all every single thing. Well it's because they get a little dangerous over there. They're like a little too good at what they do. And we're a little too not good at what we do.
So real Realest thing I've ever heard You can podcast however About going to Brie and Grace's show I did go to Brie and Grace's show I went to Cleveland Back to the House of Blues Y'all How For those who don't remember The House of Blues Was The vessel In which Jortsgate Occurred
I haven't been back obviously since George's Gate because I actually don't get invited to the House of Blues very often. Yeah, even like it's actually such a weird coincidence. Like you getting invited to their show and it being like specifically there. I also didn't realize that it was at the House of Blues when they'd invited me. Yeah. And I'm like honestly so iconic. So you were back in the George's Gate arena. Back in the George's Gate, yep. I had to do some apologizing because I'm just thinking like that fight, you guys don't understand how loud and like extreme that fight was.
Everyone in that venue heard us. You call me and you just say one sentence. You go, Tana. Brooke. You go, there's a third green room. And the way that that sentence means nothing to anyone else, but we were...
using this house of blues as a literal vessel for our rat race argument where we were running into other rooms chasing each other down hallways screaming crying throwing up and it was funny because we really were like bouncing from green room to green room like one of us it was so nice because if i needed to make like a really dramatic point i could just get up and storm to my green room
Like we're like the city girls or something. It's just so crazy. Like I was having separate green rooms. Yeah, there was a third and it was the biggest one. So I don't know why they were withholding that from us when we were there. I think I know why. Oh, yeah. We would have probably turned it into a boxing ring. Yeah. But it was so nice to be back. It really like now I have only positive memories at the House of Blues. Yeah.
All memories there, I think, like it's the whole story. It's just, it's a beautiful fucking story. It is. I will say I won't, I don't really have that many memories in general from the planned briefing because they are drinkers. Okay. And I thought I could hang. I could not hang. I just, drinking with them is weirdly like getting hazed.
Yeah well it's like If the thing is It wasn't like They were encouraging it It was like I had this like Imaginary pressure on me Yeah exactly Exactly It's like a mental thing Cause you're like I have to keep up Yeah and like They can do it So why can't I I know why Yep Because you can't Speak English anymore
It was really bad. I was apparently taking, you know, Southern Comfort shots, chasing them with pirate water. I probably had five pirate waters, which is like enough to kill somebody. A pirate water equates to like a four loco. Alcohol percentage wise, more liquor wise. You know it's bad because Brie texted me and she was like, yeah, you were fucking blacked out. I actually could not believe
fathom the palpable anxiety I would have if I woke up to Brianna Chicken Fry being like, you were blacked out last night. You're telling me... That's actually literally happened to me. When I tell you, I started getting tagged in videos of us at a bar I didn't even know we went to. I'm on the bar. I'm on the bar doing this. And the song is like...
No, a country song. And I'm like, it was just it was all bad news. And Turks. She actually made me feel like I'd never drink a day in my life. Like, you know, good at it. Yeah. Like she's not hung over. Always funny. Like I know. And they can hang. It's hilarious. I don't know. I had a full sized ketchup bottle in my pocket when I woke up. What? Fuck. How does that happen?
What? You don't watch my TikToks, do you? You're a fake friend. I watch every single one of your TikToks. I have not seen that. I'm not kidding. I woke up full-sized. Apparently... What did you get it from? Well, let me go ahead and tell you. I was wearing a puffer vest. I was wearing my aloe puffer vest. You're on fire today, by the way. And...
Grace took it upon herself to play a little pranky on me and put a full-size ketchup bottle in my hood. And I was so blacked out it made it all the way home before I noticed. In my hood. Was I not being like pulled? I'm just imagining you like in the Uber. Yeah, like Zach Bryan's like, why is there a ketchup in her? I was humiliated.
And then that adds to the anxiety too Because it's like I didn't even want to be anywhere near that man I'm a super fan Tell me about Zach Bryan I didn't know he was coming When I saw that on your story I was gagged I didn't either And I'm like supporting her As the sweetest Yeah he's amazing He's like I mean he's so sweet to her And like
It was nice to meet him and stuff, but sometimes, you know how I am about that. Like, sometimes I don't want to meet people I really love. And he was, it's not that I'm disappointed by it or anything, but I'd love to keep the magic alive. Like, I'd love still feeling like there are celebrities that I don't know and they're out of my reach. Like, I want to be such a fan from you from afar, just watching you sing something in the orange and knowing, living with peace. Me too. Knowing that you don't know anything about me. I went ahead and told him that you made me miss the first half of his concert. First half is crazy. Did I? We missed the first half. And I told him and he says that.
It wasn't even that good. I'm just kidding. Do you know that like, that was one of my favorite nights of my whole life ever. Like with you. And imagine how fun it would have been. Had we been to the whole show. Right. Right. I'm just, I double the fun. I'm just so happy. His revival thing is at the end. Like if we missed that, I'd kill myself. He's amazing. But it was cool. Cause he like, he was like hyping Brie up. He's like, Oh my God, you're doing the house of blues. Like, this is so amazing. I'm so jealous. I'm like,
You're doing stadiums. But we just played the forum. But we played SoFi. Does he drink like they do? Like, could he keep up? Wait, not SoFi. I don't know, because again, I wasn't there. I bet he could. So fucking funny. It's actually like... I was not there. It's incredible. I wanted to be there so bad. I know I wish you'd come, but...
It was kind of fun. Like, like I was just underwater. I just loved, like I was having so much fun just walking around Cleveland by myself. And like, I went to like a random bar, had sat for four hours with a random old lady and we just drank the little night away. Okay. And I, I just, I didn't want to drink anymore, but she was so nice and stuff. So I was like, I kept drinking. Then I go to pay.
The guy next to us had paid for me and her and he paid two rounds in advance. So her and I both had to have two more drinks blacked out with her. And she was so fun. How old was she? She was probably like, it took a picture with her. She was probably like, like 60 something. She wasn't that old, but like, but you and I both get really weird about old people. Yeah. I also was sitting there like actually sobbing because I started looking at all these pictures of me and my cousin.
And I was, like, sobbing. She was like, are you okay? That's probably why that guy paid for my drinks. Oh, you can't even see her, but you can see her, like, little hand. Was she wearing a beret? Yeah. How kind. I don't know. I love her. What the fuck? No, it was fun. And I love doing things by myself. Like, I felt like I was just having fun doing things by myself. I never get to do that here for fear of, like, running. I don't know. Yeah. No, and it just feels so main character. Mm-hmm. Like, you're just at a random bar in Cleveland, like, drinking with this. And it was cold, so I got to wear my little, like, hat. Oh.
Stop. And you love to wear a hat. I fucking love a hat. Brooke Schofield is happiest when she gets to wear a hat. Yeah, or I'm wearing a hat because I need more happiness. I almost died. Where? Me on the last podcast. I almost died. Different story. Fuck. I'm actually not kidding. This is like up there with how like, like dumb ways to die of like things I've done where it's like, what? You know, my fear of bugs.
You know how bad... I do. I heard you killed a cockroach. Oh, I'll get there. I'll get there. But... And I'm saying this with, like, my whole chest, okay? I would rather play a round of Russian roulette than allow bugs to crawl all over me. Like, if it was, like, Fear Factor and cockroaches all over you or play a round of Russian roulette. I'm picking the roulette every time. Okay. And that's just my truth. Like, my fear of bugs is so...
The terrible. A little phobia situation. You know, there could be a fly and I like scream and I freak the fuck out. And I like, I feel this feeling that nothing else makes me feel like where it's like, I have to die right now or get this bug away from me. Like it's insane. Right. I'm walking through the grass in Hawaii with Ty Collins and Makoa and Paige. And I look down at the grass and I look at Ty Collins foot and
There are like 17 cockroaches just all around his feet, up his, on his legs, on his feet. Like, and they're huge. Like they're Hawaiian cockroaches. Like there's something in their protein powder. Like they're huge. They're the size of fucking, like a chihuahua. Not kidding. Okay. And I look down at my foot. Uh oh. And I see. A cockroach. 37 of them.
Oh, no. Crawling on my foot. Oh, my... Look at... Do you see my goosebumps right now? Like, actually, just think about it. The hair on my arm standing up. Oh, no. I don't really love cockroaches either. I don't think anyone likes cockroaches. I just don't understand why they have to exist. But then I realized I am a literal cockroach. So it's like... No, I have a question, though. Do you... Will you...
Do you like ladybugs? I used to as a kid. See, because I always think about this, how sad it is that I would immediately pick up a ladybug, but if that same bug just didn't have spots, I'd be like, ew! I also always think about how as a kid I'd pick up a ladybug and now I would never, and I get all existential and weirdly sad about that. I've been watching, oh God, you have...
To watch this. It's. No. I need to finish this story. Oh I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I have to tell you this. Sorry. I have ADD. No. There's. Oncoming traffic. Across. Directly from this grass patch. Well that's one way to get rid of a cockroach. Is to get hit by a car. I run into oncoming traffic. I just start sprinting and screaming. I run into oncoming traffic. Like. Like not. And like fast oncoming traffic. But see another thing. Speaking of oncoming traffic. I.
Yeah, how do you explain, like, yeah, I got hit by a car running from a bug. This car going 100 miles a fucking hour, like, slams on the brakes and stops. Paige and Ty and Makoa are screaming. You're horrible. You could have caused a pileup. Like, screaming like I died. And then I'm just standing in front of this car, looking the driver dead in their eyes.
Like, I'm so sorry. You're so lucky, but you could have really hurt somebody. Yeah. I'm glad you're okay. Horrible scenario. Like, I just hate that my immediate reaction when there's a bug is like, get out.
So it was like, I know I kind of get that. I'm not like a bug girl. I don't really like bugs. But then I like I just saw this video that made me like literally sick to my stomach. It was like this little baby girl. She's probably like four. And it's like all these videos of her outside, like picking up bugs and snakes. And she's just like so innocent. And she just has no concept of like what's gross and stuff. And it's so sweet. And that's what I was going to tell you is I've been watching.
There's I didn't even know if you knew about this because I didn't and it's been going on for a long time as Pamela Anderson has a show. Watch the whole thing. Pamela's Garden of Eden. You're my soulmate. Oh my God. I had no idea it even existed and I've been obsessed with it like watching her out like tending to all her like vegetables and stuff. I'm like, you know, she's not getting mad if there's a bug on her foot.
And she's like just such a beautiful, perfect angel. You know I like keep up with everything she does. Yeah. Like I knew the second that show dropped, I went to my room. I had no idea. I watched like so many of it on the plane yesterday. It actually like...
Was one of the like weird catalysts of like me understanding that there's more joy like out there. Yeah, because she could have the most glamorous like amazing life ever that she wants here. And instead she chooses to live in Vancouver Island on a beach. She wrote this Instagram caption yesterday. Not kidding. Made me cry.
She's so pure. I can't believe we both were watching that because it's like every time I've told anyone about the show, everyone's like, what are you talking about? Or doesn't care. And it like disheartens me so much. And I just love watching her make her like a little tomato sauce. She's like, I'm putting roses in it. Her mom's like, why? How cute it is that she just like married her contractor.
That like Was helping her build the house And then she'll put on Like her glitter playboy shoes And he'll be like Like living with all the memories Imagine that guy Telling his family Like yeah I'm marrying Pamela Anderson They're like sure Ha ha
She wrote yesterday, I am most at home with my animals on the ocean with a light softness thrown about reading, writing and dreaming. See, but that just shows, you know, people go so far out of their way, like everybody in the world who isn't here. Well, at least like in my experience, like how I was before I moved here. I thought like fame and fortune and Hollywood and all that was like the best.
All anybody could ever want. Be all end all. And she is a perfect example. Like you, you can have all of that and it's not. And it's so inspiring and motivating to me. Like seeing someone like actually just be like, fuck this. It's sucking the life out of me, but I can, I can memorialize it and you know, romanticize it and have love for that era. But that's not who I want to be anymore. She's still so fabulous. She still has, you know, every designer, everything like, yeah, but yeah,
I would love that like the things that make her happy like she's pulling weeds and she's fucking Pamela Anderson. It's absolutely the goal. And like I am so inspired by it. And that's funny that you've been watching that because same. I think maybe one day you could be pulling weeds. I want to be. I'm not kidding. My little Hawaiian boyfriend lives on like an actual farm like chickens and goats in Maui. Love like Bretman. Yeah, exactly. Just wakes up like feeds his chickens, smokes a joint.
Does whatever little like work things he has to do in the day. Goes and surfs all day. Make sure that wherever he is, he's watching the sunset and repeats. That's a real life that someone has. That's my weekend life right now. I've been at that ranch every weekend riding horses. I wish we could talk about that. I'm in a rancher. But I won't even open my mouth. That's just another podcast topic that I so badly wish we could have. I know, but it's so fun. Yeah, and you have to keep going. And if we podcast about it, you're not going back to that ranch.
Right? No. I've been horseback riding. I've been playing with the goats. It's so fun.
I brought Ari. Ari can rip it on a horse. Ari's fast. No, he's not. Yes, he is. I have so many videos. He's like, he's so good. He's the only one like if a horse needed to be galloped, they would put Ari on it because I'm not galloping yet as you could probably imagine. Do you know I was in actual literal tears at Ari on that horse in Chrome Hearts and Converse? It was so funny. He was amazing. Ari was the funniest person I've ever met in Hawaii.
like ever like yeah ari was like please bring me and i'm like all right i'm just trying to express to you like this isn't gonna be a tana trip this is gonna be a tennis trip you know and those are two very different things you know and he's like no please i want to go i want to be peaceful i want to whatever like and i'm like ari i know you like the back of my hand you're gonna get there and all i'm gonna want to do is be underwater and you're gonna be miserable like without
You know, or he's bougie and that's fine. I love that about him. But I was just like, you know, he's like, no, please bring me, please bring me. I'm like, fine. Come to Hawaii, right? We get there and the first day,
That I'm just underwater, floating, flopping. You know me and the way I run into a pool. Doing the whole thing. It's such an interesting thing about you. Sorry to cut you off, but like you really will just fucking live underwater. It's my happiness. In the ocean too, which is crazy because it's like you're afraid of bugs, but like not. Not sharks. I was swimming, actually was passing by me like at like midnight in Hawaii. I believe it. I've seen you like just.
out as far as you can be in the middle of the night i'm like okay i'm i'm so unafraid of the ocean i think it's weirdly i do think it's a zodiac thing and i'm not a zodiac person but i'm a cancer and i'm a triple cancer like all like my rising my whatever yeah so i'm a triple water sign so i think that's why water brings me so much peace maybe i don't know um
So I'm flopping in the ocean and Ari looks at me and he goes, I'm going to go get some merch. He goes to get some Hawaii merch, right? Comes back with a Chrome Hearts bag. Like couldn't flop in the ocean at all. Had to go to Chrome Hearts. That's hilarious. Buys a Chrome Hearts trip that says Honolulu and he goes...
And then 24 hours later, he Irish exits Hawaii. That's so iconic. It's so Ari Coden. He told me he Irish exited, though, because everybody was blacked out. He was just unhappy to like. I don't know. I saw pageantized TikToks. But you know, Ari, that's not like he doesn't want to like rot on a beach all day while people surf. Like it's not his like. You know who does? Me. You know, absolutely. Let's go now. But tells everyone in the room.
I have to go to the bathroom. Gets on hinge. Makes a random stranger on hinge. That's dangerous. Pick him up.
from the Ritz Carlton and drive him to the airport. First of all, imagine your first date is just an airport drive. Make that one make sense. Like imagine the awkward small talk like Uber. I kind of love that. Kits on an immediate flight home. That's really dangerous. Do not try this at home. Although I trust people in Hawaii. Weirdly. Yeah. Like everyone just has that like comfort. I feel like it's too small a community for anybody to be really crazy. Yeah. And people out there just actually like love extending. Yeah. Everything's very like here.
favors yeah yeah but just how fucking funny do you know the only person he said goodbye to was my man i got his instagram i was like are you yeah he's got that personality on him i need a new man no i don't yeah what's going on nothing much we just can't podcast about it no like really like nothing why do you have a cheeseburger in your purse did she just pull that out of her purse
Yes, she fucking did. The ketchup in the hood, the cheeseburger in the bag. Can I have a bite? Yeah. What the hell else do we have to talk about? Let me see. Oh, I had another like synchronicity weird like coincidence situation happen to me. I haven't told you about yet. I went to this concert. I went to the Zach Brown or wait, no, Zach Brown band concert. Oh,
And his opener was this guy, Marcus King. Okay. And he's so fucking amazing. Like I've had a few artists like ever that I see live and I'm like, Oh my God. Like this is my new hyper fix. Like this is my favorite person ever. He's so talented. And, um,
I was obsessed. I go home. I send my dad every video because I'm like, you're going to think this guy is so amazing, whatever. And I make a TikTok about him. I was like talking about him and I like went on this huge like deep dive. He's married. He has like the cutest little wife. They're like the most fabulous. Stop. No, I'm scared. Like, you know how sometimes you eat McDonald's and you like eat a bite and you're like someone's toes in that? No. My toenails. That was that bite.
Like I feel like I got some like gillet. Anyway, I pipe it. They're like this like super fabulous like Southern couple. I'm obsessed them. So I make a tick talk about them and I'm like talking about them and I'm saying like all of this and I draft it. I don't post it because I'm like, this is creepy. I'm being creepy.
I've never obviously like I didn't see them talk to them or anything. I just like watch them from afar. All of a sudden I start getting like tagged over and over and over again in this girl's TikTok. And they're like, oh, my God, you look exactly like Brooke Schofield. I go to her profile and it's her. It's his wife.
I was like, how weird is that? She comments back and she goes, oh my God, I think I saw that girl at my husband's show the other day. - I have chills. - Yeah, and I was like, what the fuck? And I commented back, I was like, yes, I was there. And so I screen recorded the TikTok that I made about them. 'Cause you could see the date, I had made it days ago. And I was like, I'm obsessed with his wife.
And blah, blah, blah. And I was just like, what are the odds? Like no one's ever, ever tagged me in one of her things. But now all of a sudden thousands of people are like telling me I look like her and I've never seen her before. And I just love them so much. But then, then I tell her, I go, I, it's been so long since I've had an artist that I like love that much. It's like the last person was Chris Stapleton. I was like, I loved Chris Stapleton like the same way. Remember you were trying to get me to stay in some city. Right. Yes. Because I wanted to see him so bad. So then I'm like, I tell her that whatever we're talking about,
Couple days later, Chris Stapleton announces his tour. Opening for him is Marcus King. You're actually going to levitate at that show. I think she probably thought that I knew that when I was telling her that. She probably like assumed that I knew. But I had no idea. I didn't even like connect those two in any way. That's actually crazy.
So anyway, we have to go see that. Yes, we do. And if you have not... Oh my God, you would love this guy. He is the most talented person I've ever seen in my entire life. Marcus King. Oh, no. He's... Do you know what made me the happiest girl in the world? By the way, that I just have to like give flowers to really quick on this podcast. Noah Kahan and Jelly Roll being nominated for Grammy. Like new... Yeah, really amazing. Well deserved. Did you see Jelly Roll...
Jelly Roll's acceptance speech at the CMAs. Yes. So amazing. They're the cutest fucking couple in the world, Bunny and Jelly Roll. I know. You know that that's like my actual goals. I know. Me too. Did you see Trisha said that she wants to be the third host on Cancelled? No, she fucking didn't. Yeah, she did. She said, I wish I could just be the third host on Cancelled. I said, what?
Patricia, we're begging. We should actually have a moment with Trisha where we do like five episodes in a row. I think so. Or we should at least like try to have her at least once a month or something. Like people love her so much and I love to talk to her. She's my favorite person to talk to actually literally on this planet. It's crazy. We should have had her today. Literally. She went out of her way, her and Oscar to get the San Diego sweaters.
What's so funny is I wore, so I ordered a pink onesie to wear on Trisha's podcast. And when it came in, it was not up to Trisha standard. Okay. It was like too nude. It wasn't even hardly pink. So I was like, oh, got to scrap it. Yeah. And I'm like, I felt like Katie Heron in Mean Girls. I did not have one pink thing except for this one random tourist shop sweatshirt. What a great analogy, by the way. Oh, we got them.
Yeah. And so that was the only thing I had. But it's so funny. You're just Ari Aguirre. It's Chrome Hearts. No, but like Patricia loves it so much. And she had somebody in San Diego go to that gift shop and get them for her an Oscar. Yes. So that they can cosplay. They got the mini of her with the bottega earrings and the slick tear. But it just first of all, it feels like literally a make a wish. Like, I can't believe.
I can't believe it. That's exactly how I feel every time I'm like around her. Like it feels so make a wish coded. I'm like, why are you doing this? I love that it's a sweatshirt that I like accidentally had to wear. And she's like, I love it. I love it too. It's my favorite. She's the cutest human being alive. Do you want to know actually one of my dream canceled guests? Who? Oh,
Holly Madison. Oh, me too. So much. And she comments on all her stuff. She's like, I know she would come on. I just haven't gotten around to doing it right. And you were talking about weird coincidences, actually. And it's so random. But we're having Meghan Trainor on tomorrow.
Yeah. And I'm so fucking excited. I hope she brings her kid. I love her so fucking much. She's like the funniest person alive. I never thought that Meghan Trainor would have like the dark sense of humor she does and that she texts me like hilarious shit. Like obviously she's so intelligent in order to have the crew she has but like I didn't sometimes that doesn't always translate into darkness like dark humor and like I love her. I love that. I love that she's coming on but
I originally was trying to have Holly Madison on tomorrow and I was like I meant to reach out and then I just the Megan stuff happened so I was like perfect like I'll reach out to Holly eventually right and I'm having a conversation about this with Paige in Hawaii right and
And this woman randomly comes up to me. Her son's girlfriend was like a fan of the podcast. So she's like, I don't know what the fuck you do, but my kid won't like shut the hell up about like whatever it is. So do I. So I don't even fucking know you, but my kid does. Yeah. And so I like meet her daughter and like whatever. But then I start bonding with her like so heavily. And she's so like just lives the dream life that we were just talking about. So bunny jelly roll coated. Like she's just like this.
Like she's probably in her 40s, but like hair extensions on 10, like just showed up to this resort in Hawaii, like staying with her kids, like sexy girl tattoos, like, you know, like so 2000s coated tattoos. Like so, you know what I mean? Big ass titties. Like I just I bond more with like.
a fucking like blonde milf than like most people ever because it's like you're doing exactly what I want to be doing you know and her husband's like low-key beat and she's like well what do you do he's swiping you know and I just start talking to her and bonding with her I'm sure she loves him she does she does she was telling me she looks at me in the eyes and she goes this morning I was shaving his chest with a razor and it dies that's gonna be you at 40 you want to see look you're looking into your future right now
And but anyways, I'm like talking to her for like like 15 minutes right after I have this Holly conversation. And I go, you're so playboy coded like and that's my favorite type of person, like someone that you can just tell has been to the playboy mansion, whatever. And I was just saying that like I had no idea where she was from or in the middle of Hawaii, whatever. She goes, I live in Santa Clarita now. I used to live in Los Angeles. I was a playboy bunny. Look at this photo of me and Holly Madison.
After I had this whole conversation about fucking Holly Madison. Oh my God, how funny. And she was just telling me all these fucking bat shit stories about the Playboy Mansion. And you know, I've like, I know every, like I've never been to that house and I can like paint the floor plan. It just makes me so sad that we'll never get to go there. I know like it wasn't, it's not like this glamorous place. We probably wouldn't have wanted to go there, but it just looked so like, I always wanted to. It was definitely horrible in all the ways that LA is still horrible, just in that time.
You know? Yeah. Is there like a... Oh, well, no. I almost said like Dan Bilzerian is like... Like those are the same people who would have probably gone to... Yes. Anyone who goes to a Dan Bilzerian party would have gone to a Playboy party back in the day for sure. But you're just talking about the Playboy Mansion, yeah? Yes. That was like the first time I ever saw like a woman's tits. Like my mom would like watch. Amari's like, I don't like that. But that's why also you're...
Our mother is my best friend. Like she'd her watching the girls next door. She loved it. I've unpacked like the playboy theories with her for like not kidding. Thousands of hours of my life. Like yeah the girls next door and like sex in the city. And that's why you ended up liking me.
You've never seen Sex in the City No I haven't Oh I don't even want you to watch it Because you will move to New York She's never seen Sex in the City I That is like That'll cure everything Everything I know about life And love and friendship And relationships Is from Sex in the City That'll cure everything It's like your depressed little fixie You're like watch Sex in the City No seriously It's like
I need to. I'm not kidding. Same thing with Grey's Anatomy. Like, I almost feel like those, like, I learned so much from the relationships in those shows that I almost feel like I lived them. And, like, Gossip Girl. Gossip Girl, for sure. Yeah, but Sex and the City is, like, grown-up Gossip Girl. Yes, yes. It's so funny. Like, I'm like, Dexter changed my life. No, no, no. And you're like, my favorite show in the entire world. No, but you will live for that show. You will love Samantha, oh, my God, so much. You will hate Charlotte because she's just like me.
I don't hate you so I don't think I'll hate Charlie. Do you want to know just a random hilarious anecdote that I have to share with you? Yeah. Amari was just talking about you know growing up with his mom watching Playboy and I was like that's why you like me right? Do you know that the first time I ever realized I was a whore
Was in a real conversation with Amari Stewart. Oh my god. I was talking about this like two days ago actually. That's so funny. Were you? Yeah. Like I was like with Isabella I believe. Yeah. We were talking about how I was like do you remember like in high school like when Tana just like straight up just tell the story. So essentially one day like I'm spending every day in Amari's house like I do. You know. And we would just spend hours like rotting in his room talking shit. And that thing really changed. And we're in high school.
We're in high school. And I'm talking about one of the guys that I'm hooking up with at the time. Keep in mind, in the past week, I had just gotten eaten out by someone on your track team in your closet. In my closet while I'm in the room. But luckily, that honestly was a great closet to do it in. It was like a walk-in closet. But imagine me just sitting in my bed just being so annoyed. I remember you telling me that story. Her being like...
And I'm like trying to turn on my TV, but obviously I don't have the most luxurious fucking TV. It won't go loud enough. Horrible. Horrible story. We should not be doing that at 15. Vegas. Vegas. I think it was like the first time I saw a condom too, because I'm using a condom and I was like, what the fuck? I'd never actually seen those. Yeah.
Anyways, and I'm just sitting in Amari's bed and I'm talking shit and I look at him and I go, do you think I'm a whore? He looks at me deadpan and goes, yeah. And I never ever like had the thought
Like I never realized. And I was screaming like so offended. I was like, you know what I mean? And it was just beyond offended. I'm not kidding. Cause I'd never known. I thought the second story of my house was going to collapse. Like it was going to become a one story. She was so offended, but I didn't care. You had to have an inkling or you wouldn't have asked. I was like, it doesn't affect me at all. I don't give a fuck. I love you regardless. Yes. You're a whore. And mind you, mind you, she's also getting picked up by boys. Like,
At like fucking midnight. Like I think she would sleep at mine sometimes just so she could get dick and like she'd get picked up in these cars and just like go fuck him like down the street in the neighborhood. There was one time. There was one time. Whoa, whoa. There was one time scaring the shit out of me. She had this guy come pick her up so she could fuck him in his Range Rover. Oh, Lost by Virginia. He's amazing. We love you, Logan. He comes and picks her up.
his friend is with him his friend is walking around my neighborhood just doing laps and i was like do you want to just come inside he came inside and just chilled with me like like well like it was just us just on the sidelines while they're just doing the deed somewhere down like at the neighborhood park oh my god it was that like transactional you were 15 i might have been like i don't know whatever
15, 16, 17. I didn't have sex until, well, actually, no, I did. I know. I know. We've walked very different paths. Well, no, it's just like, I can't believe that that, like, none of my friends, I don't think really either. Everyone was having sex. Everyone. I, like, lost my virginity late in my friend group. I just feel like mine were, but it was like everyone had had sex with, like, one person. Vegas, horrible place. I've only had sex with two guys. Do you know what I used to? Me too. Me three. Do you know what I used to do?
I would get picked up by guys in high school to like hook up with them. Like, and they'd be with their friends and they'd be like, oh my God, bring a friend. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, like, you know, like, like a guy's with his guy friend and he's like, like bring a friend, whatever. I would tell guys that I was with my girlfriend, Amari. I'd be like, yeah, me and Amari, like she's just upstairs. Me every time I invite Ari anywhere. I'm like, Ari's coming.
And they would be so excited. Like, damn, she sounds foreign. She sounds exotic. Amari sounds like a bad bitch. I'd get into the car, braces, looking like a fucking peanut. And they're like, what? I'm like, hi, guys. I would scam men into thinking Amari was like my girlfriend that we would all like double date with. Well...
You have such a good personality. We just wanted to ride. Not kidding. It's so crazy that we lived a life without Uber. Like, think about how I am as a person and how poor I was, right? Think about the shit I would do for a ride. You remember? Yeah. There was one time I'm sitting outside of my house. I get home from school. There was this guy that, like, we just knew we could get him to take us anywhere. Not kidding. Right?
But in that era. I lied my balls off to this guy. I'm like, I'm locked outside of my house. I just got home from school. Like, will you take me to Tana's? Like, we'd make the most elaborate stories up about, like, why we needed a ride. Like, we were like, he's locked out. He doesn't know what to do. His parents are not coming home. Literally at all. I made him already sit outside on his lawn. Oh, my God. Kimmy got him. So he actually thought he was locked out. Mind you, my mother's been working from home since I was, like, seven. Like, she was inside.
I could get in easily. Imagine she opens the door and you're like... You're ruining the bit, bitch.
What are you going to do? Take me? I always wanted to hang out with guys who were way older. Now I look back on it and I'm like, why the fuck were they seniors hanging out with freshmen? And they were always the biggest losers and you thought they were cool because they were seniors. Now you look back on it and you're like, oh, wow. Every man I ever knew in that city. And just smoking in the back of some random dusty dude's car. Do you know? That was her favorite pastime. Mine too. I was such a stoner. We'd take a bong around.
Like in the back of the car. Why are you ripping a six foot bong in the back of the car? Dude, we had a place. We had a place called Hanger Park. And there was police everywhere. And we would just fucking smoke. Everything bad that's ever happened to me happened in Hanger Park in Tempe, Arizona. So just so you know.
Don't go there. The smoke. I can actually do a whole podcast about like the smoking when I was young stories. Me too. That's why I don't smoke now. Cause I'm like, no, but the way I was like, yeah, numb. Thank God. Um, do you want to know something horrible? I actually did. Um, while we're on the topic of rides and gas money, I want to formally apologize to a girl named Sierra Hall.
You still owe her like 15 bucks to this day. And she will never let it go. I would always tell people, like, can you please pick me up from my house and drive me here? I'll give you gas money.
And then they'd pick me up and they'd drive me somewhere. And then I'd say, I don't have my wallet. I owe you. Oh. How horrible. Horrible. But I had to get... Like, I'd have to get to, like, work. And my parents weren't going to take me. And I, like, you know? Yeah. Like, or just different. School, even. And, um...
Although, you know, for one ride, what's that in gas? Like $3? But at the time, like $3 was everything. And I feel like when you're just like new to like driving and like you're like a high schooler and stuff, like any amount of gas money is just amazing. Unless you have like rich ass parents that just don't give a fuck. Like, you know, like I feel like. Yeah, like we'd be scrounging for like a dime to literally put. I'm not kidding. Like I remember with Monique, we would just like.
oh actually put 75 cents on the tank oh yeah you remember i know you remember being on dashes always on dashes she was your gas tank was never actually full one time and we do the most up for gas money hitting bottle runs on dashes can we even dash away what's a dash basically like the car like your gas gets to the the little dashes oh well
It's like your reserve gas tank. Like there's no gas in your car. Like I can't even read how many miles. You know, that's still to this day, no matter what I never ever, this is like the, the like low key pour in me. I will never fill up my tank. It's actually ever. I will never put in more than like $20 at a time. And it just makes it so much more difficult. And it's like, I have to spend the money regardless. In fact, it's making it way harder. Like,
It's so much easier to just do it, but I'm always like, no, I'll just put a little in. I remember the day that I found out my parents smoke weed. Like I didn't know for like a long time. I remember that too. Looking back, duh. But like I found it like in a kitchen cabinet and I was like, I have hit the jackpot on these fucking idiots. Are you kidding me? Imagine if I had the thought, I was like. We would rob them. Rob them and be like blasted. No, so I would take their weed and I would sell it.
Because it's like what I shouldn't know you smoke weed Like at the time I was like Yeah what are they going to come to you and say where's my weed Yeah not at all So I knew I hit the jackpot And then I would specifically hit up the rich kids And tell them like I have the best weed ever Didn't you like sell someone oregano once Yes Not once Multiple times Oh my god The drug dealer The fact that I was like actually like Horrible But I would hit up the rich kids
And I would tell them like, I have the most gas weed ever, whatever. Weed is no, at the time was normally like 10 bucks a gram. Right. And I would sell it to these rich, like dumb kids who just wanted to get high for like 40 bucks a gram. And it'd be my parents weed. And then I would like hit the jackpot on gas money. That's honestly so smart. Gas money at McDonald's.
No, it was always Del Taco because you know Del Taco, it used to be, I don't know if it is, like was like historically the cheapest. Yes. And it's still so good. Like two tacos. Like I lived at Taco Bell. I would walk, we would walk to Taco Bell. It's so crazy. We walked everywhere in Arizona and it's like Vegas. It's fucking 130 degrees outside. Walked everywhere. And all of it's like track homes. It's literally exactly the same as Vegas. You would just be walking all through the neighborhood. Would you walk barefoot and like,
Like I callous the whole bottom of your foot because of how hot it was or is that I think it was just like a natural progression of any person who lives there your feet are fucking I think I have a forever like people who bring their little dogs out and I had one of those piggy banks that like count the money like as the coins go in it can like read how much like the coin is or whatever I had one of those and like we would bust it open
All the time. We'd bust open my fucking little piggy bank because we'd see how much was like... It would digitally read you how much money is in it or whatever. And we'd just like take all the coins and walk to McDonald's because it was like... You just had to walk to this little park in my neighborhood. And like it was just so funny because like back in the day, like Hot and Spicy was like $1.08. I know. What happened to that? Is it...
McDonald's still have a dollar menu? They're like three something now, which is crazy. So crazy. And it's crazy the way that you'd actually feel like you came up if you found a quarter. Yeah. Like I'd put pennies together for my food every day. Like if you found a quarter, you were like, I'm fucking loaded. And we would like show up like with just coins to this McDonald's. We got banned from there for a period of time. I paid for everything in coins for like three years of my life. McDonald's on value per day. Oh my God.
oh i miss it i would what if i wish we could all go back and like make each other like live each other's lives for like i always think about that honestly or like if we just all were friends like if all of us we have a big friend group now like if we were all friends in high school like what would have been no i would have hated you guys in high school and vice versa like imagine like it's like oh brooks nudes leaked like that's the point though that like
I would have been fucking... It just wouldn't have happened. I didn't take a nude until last year. The concept of all of us at an assembly together. Do you know what's fucked? Even in college, I feel like we wouldn't have been friends. Not that I wouldn't have liked you guys, but just so different. We would have danced together or something. You lived somewhere where there was...
Like socially there were goodie kids and bad kids, right? Like in Las Vegas that doesn't happen. Everyone's just a bad kid. Do you know what I mean? I just don't really think we had that many. Like we were the bad kids and we weren't even bad. Exactly.
But everyone's actually horrible in Vegas. Like, I was, like, the rebellious, like, in the rebellious group, and we weren't really doing anything that bad except for drinking. Like, did you guys ever hit, like, bottle runs? No, we weren't stealing. Oh. At all? Someone was. It just wasn't me. Uh-huh. But that's what I mean. There's, like, social hierarchies in the regard that, like, you would judge someone that would steal. Yeah, it was the random seniors who were hanging out with the freshmen. Those were the people who were going to steal. Yeah. Everyone was stealing. Did you guys have fake IDs, like, in high school? Like, no.
Absolutely not. I didn't have a fake ID until... I never had a fake ID. My first fake ID, I had braces in the picture. I tried to and I lost it. I had such a good fake ID, I lost it the first day. So I was like, fuck this. My first boyfriend ever somewhere, that's what he did for his side hustle. He would make fake IDs and I'd just be posing against a wall. My first fake was New York. I remember the first time I used it, the guy goes... He just knows it's fake because first of all, it's like fucking... Do you actually know...
He just talked about bottle runs. Do you actually know what that consists of? Don't you like go in, stick it in your pants, YMCA run? Yes, but like our friend group, and I'm still friends with all these people to this day. That's what's like actually horrifying. There were bottle runs and there were cart runs. No, okay. I actually have to tell you about bottle runs and cart runs really quickly. So bottle runs...
There's a bunch of different ways to do a bottle run. Essentially, you could walk in and discreetly steal it in your pants and then leave, whatever. But our friend group got to a point where everyone would just get out of the car. Someone would be driving, waiting like a fucking hit and run. Waiting to pick you back up. Waiting right in the driveway of the store. And ten of us piled into one car would all charge in the store like...
I've done it. Running at full speed. And everyone in the store knew you were stealing. But there's a policy called... Oh, where they can't chase you. Yeah, there's a no-chase policy. Don't they have that at Sephora? Yes. Don't try it. Or it will also doesn't have it. Oh, shit. Anyway...
Everyone would just run in and everyone would know knocking shit over in the store, like causing distractions, shoving bottles, shoving bottles. And then you just run back to the car. All the workers would know. That's so crazy. What about the next time you went in for like a rotisserie? No, you wouldn't go. That would happen to me because I used to hit these bottle runs. You wouldn't go to that grocery store for like two weeks. I used to hit these bottle runs and like I would always get sent in because I looked the most innocent.
And like I would wear like... I remember I would always wear like my big pants, my rock revivals. The rock revivals slayed for bottle runs because they were too big for me and like I would always wear like a big t-shirt and it's like...
my like go-to was always a handle of Smirnoff and a bottle of Bacardi Dragonberry. Didn't you shatter a bottle one time? Was that you? Yes. And it slid down my leg. Like it's cause the pants were a little too big. Yeah. It slid down. And then I'm like, Oh, it was so bad. But I remember the very first time I ever hit one like that, which she was talking about where you just charge in. Like, cause I thought that I was just going to go in, be innocent, whatever. But I'm with a bunch of boys. We left this bonfire. We needed more alcohol. And I'm like, okay, we're all just going to go and do it discreetly.
And I'm like walking in. No, they come charging past me. I was like, oh, we're doing this. Oh, we're like doing this. Like we're robbing the store. And we robbed this fucking store. Bonfire went amazing. But then like there was a period of time after like I would go to the Smiths a lot like with my mom. Oh, no. In the daytime. The whole time you're like. Normal. No, exactly. And like this man, there was this one specific worker that remembered me. So like he would look at,
me and just stare me down with the dirtiest fucking awful look. And it's like, Debra's like buying like chicken and like fucking cream of mushroom soup and like, just like, you know, never step foot in there again. And I'm standing there and it's like, what are you going to do now? Like, I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm here with my mom. You had the cool. I feel like we had the reason we didn't even have to do any of that shit because we had certain moms in high school that would just
Supply our alcohol Like Oh Debra had no idea For the longest time Like she Ours would like Fully like We moms who would make Like special Like mixed drinks And stuff for us All the parties Were always at like That one particular house Ari lived a life like that Like there was a rich Side of Vegas that did that But like we were all Like fucking poor
Deborah's parents were buying alcohol for her. There wasn't anything rich about it. It was just like, well, like having the money. Having the money to like, oh. Deborah's fun now, but she used to be so fucking strict. Like, it was like scary. Like, I don't even know how she would like, like she would sneak out and like, it would be like fine because she's like,
Whatever. Yeah, that's not my kid. But it's like, Amari, you are not walking out that goddamn door with her. My grandparents had my... And then you'd walk out the goddamn door. No, I'd sneak out. My grandparents had both. It was my uncle and my dad, obviously, growing up and stuff. So they didn't know how to be authoritative at all. They were just like, whatever, do whatever you want. So I did. I remember vividly, honestly, the scariest. And also this bitch right here was so fucking awful.
for this one. It was one of the times where we were like, oh, Amari, for an exotic bitch, like, whatever. We sneak out and then we get to, like, this guy's house. Debra's calling me nonstop and I'm like, guys, panicking, like, I'm like, I don't know what to do. This is, like, my second time sneaking out. Like, she's gonna, like, actually, like, lynch me. Like, I'm really fucking scared. I don't remember the story and I'm scared. We have to, like, turn around. They have to take me home because she's like, get the fuck home now. And Tana and Monique are sleeping over and we get back to my house and
And Debra's just like standing outside, like on the porch, like ready to like whoop my ass. And I'm looking at them and I'm like, guys, like you're sleeping over like,
come with me. And like, I'm scared. Like, I'm going to get in less trouble. And they're like, we're afraid of her. No, like, like have fun. I'm like, guys, no, please come. And they're like, no, we're going to get dick. I have to tell you, dick is crazy. Begging. I have to tell you about cart runs really quick. So we were just talking about the,
you know familiar to us the no chase policy certain stores have no chase policies target has a chase policy never steal from target anyways um also caught the fuck up there they did it the wind to you where they like wait until they have enough to really charge yes yeah and they ban you from target for life and like yeah you just can't be banned and they have like a whole actual security room like yeah target and walmart don't steal from they got me i would do a full heidi montag style surgery transformation target's the only place i've ever gotten like caught up stealing at like it was bad
So you'd find the grocery store with a no chase policy, right? Ours was food for less on Valley Verde in Las Vegas. Love it. And it's so funny too. You're robbing food for less. For food for less. Still couldn't afford the less. It's like when Lila used to go in and like fucking sweep Goodwill. Not kidding you. I could tell you to this day where the alcohol is in that store. So you walk in with a cart full.
And you fill the cart like you're grocery shopping. Like, you take your fucking time. Oh, Fawn does that. Yeah. And then you just run out of the store with the entire cart. She's the OG cart runner. Yeah, Fawn started that. Seriously. It's real. Or did that. Because the second you get through those golden gates, the doors, you're fine. And you just leave with your entire cart of food. It was always, like, the best. The thing is, though, you know what? I've had times where I'm, like, at the grocery store and I'll see someone, like, stuffing their backpack. But it's like, if you're stealing food, you need it. Like, you need it.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, you can't really get on someone for stealing food. And it's like, these are billion dollar corporations. It's like, fuck you. You can spare some fucking money. Exactly. I've always said, never steal from a small business, even though I definitely did when I was horrible back in the day. But like, now, like, I understand that's immoral. Yeah. But like, I would rob a store if I would, like, if I didn't have the money. Cart runs were like the best, like, for like spring break prep. It was like, oh.
okay, we're going to Newport, baby. We're coming with like fucking 13 handles of Smirnoff. And no one's paying. Have I told the story of me getting caught stealing from PacSun? I think so. On this podcast. Didn't you work there? I ended up getting hired by the person who caught me stealing. We worked there at the same time. How Vegas coded this out?
And did she know or no? Yeah. Oh, well, she probably really like trusted you after that. We worked there at the same time together and never were allowed to like work together. Like we never had a shift together because I've had so many friends like that because I just can't behave myself. And she would get fired every year on Black Friday. And I'm like, you know, it's Black Friday. And honestly, I was like excited because I was like, oh, my God, Black Friday. We're going to finally get to work together.
Well, because they would tell me I have to work a Black Friday shift and I would be like, no, I'm going out stealing. Mama's busy. Like, you know? And they'd fire me and then just rehire me. I'd be working and like, they're like, where's Tana? Like, we know that's your bestie. And I was like, I don't know. Like, I was literally at her house earlier in the day. Like, I just know she's not coming to work. And then also, like, I'm like outside, like, greeting people as they enter the store and I see her like ducking and dodging, running, like, store to store, like, bags. And I would hook up with my shift manager so that I could pick my shifts. Shift manager.
She sure did. Genius. I'm not kidding. I think he was 25 and I was 16. Not genius. Shout out, Ray. Genius or resourceful. Not at all. But I'm not kidding. He would put me up on the counter by the cash register. Okay, sorry. It's so funny because she would tell me the stories about this and I'm like, this was happening in our store. You're like leaned up against that counter. I'm like folding t-shirts and fuck. I'm at work folding t-shirts. We're getting fucked.
I don't know Are we working in the same store? He was honestly so hot Miss him Kidding Well that has been This has been so fun Yep This has been an episode Brooke you have been on fire The entire time You're the funniest person I've ever met And I love you so so so dearly And I'm happy to be back On this couch Unpacking Trauma and life Love you so much Amari thank you for joining us That was so random That was so random I just randomly joined But I love you guys We love you
Goodbye.