59: TANA AND BROOKE ARE FIGHTING OVER THE SAME GUY - Ep. 59
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Welcome to another round of Drawing Board or Miro Board. Today we discuss technical diagramming with systems architect Maya. Let's go. First question. You've spent 10 hours slogging over a sequence diagram that should have taken 5. Drawing Board or Miro Board? Drawing Board.

And if I'm being honest, Miro would probably cut that time down by half. You know, with its AI tools and ready-to-go templates. Next, your diagrams become so bulky, it's more complex than the solar system. But all it takes is a few clicks and... It's Miro. I've used those technical shape packs way too many times. Now, the final question. Everyone's brought in, but you have to make all these tasks all the time.

Hello and welcome back to the canceled... No way! Was that our intro? Yes.

Well, it was going to be until you ruined it. I'm sorry if my energy is low right now. Whenever we shoot at 5.30 p.m., which is always because that's my breakfast time. It's November 1st today and it is 86 degrees today. I could go out there and tan right now. I realize that they're not...

Not kidding about it Beating on us And it's exhausting me Global warming Is that So that's what that is I don't really understand Like why is it this hot In November Every year Or at least for the past few years It's been like one day All of a sudden it's frigid And what's up with that Like the sun's just like See y'all next year I guess She's really showing up And showing out

For her last days So Brooke I haven't seen you At all In like 14 days maybe So two weeks That's two weeks Woohoo Yeah well actually I haven't seen you Since we filmed the last episode Yeah so it's been like A second there A second second there I know I meant to see you That next day Yeah

You had your Halloween party that next day. We talked all about it on the last episode. I was like so excited. Yeah, I talked about how I had no idea how I was going to throw a party sober. Breaking news. I couldn't. I didn't. I mean, what do we get into first? You not attending or me attending, but as Tina, the drunk woman. I guess I think you just tell us about your experience and then I'll explain why I didn't go. I used to like thoroughly enjoy throwing parties.

And this was also just a very different situation Where I was like throwing it for this rich guy Trying to make him happy in his house Where normally it's like my house or my venue I rented out or like whatever But the pressure of hosting Like almost damn near killed me Like it was just a lot It is a lot It's not for everybody Because you invite 300 people and everyone needs something And a lot of things just happened at this party Like people were naked in the pool And like

fighting at the door to get in. And like, I kept having to go to the door and like fight people. And like, it was like, and just like, I don't know you leave. Like, it was just like so much was going on. Overwhelming. Overwhelming. And that's what eventually happened.

Cracked me To have a shot or two Which I don't know If I'm mad at yet Because I feel like I would have had Zero fun sober And I had a lot of fun No I'm not mad at it I just like You know me I love your little sober era Me too And I'm trying I'm not talking shit I got a beer in my hand And I'm about to Like the thing is Is it's just like Fuck like I just did another 60 something days sober And like Again It was awesome I worked so hard Like I was so present Whatever But like

I didn't really have any fun I don't necessarily know If I was like That happy Yeah but you were very productive During that time You did a lot done That you probably wouldn't have 100% You avoided Like the problem is You don't know What you avoided Because it didn't happen Yeah

But like Do you ever like Something horrible happens And you're like Oh my god Had I not been drinking This would not have happened Oh I get what you're saying Like you don't know How much during that 60 days Like probably would have happened Like Oh yeah That you would have just And it is I like noticed that Over the past like How the week That I was drinking Which I'll get into Like how much I do avoid When I am sober You know Cause I am But

But at the same time I feel like I'm living this like mundane boring life of like a 35 year old when I'm sober. Yeah I feel like you just do need to find like a little bit of a happy medium. For sure. Or just happiness. Well I'll get into my whole. I'm in a weird place right now but I did have the best Halloween and we will get into that so. I missed your Halloween party. I did. It's so funny though because like you

You say it with like remorse and like I hope you know like well I've just I I've always been this way like sometimes people can't make things and that doesn't bother me. I know but that does bother me so that's why it bothered me to miss it because it's like I guess I get on people so hard about like missing my things. Yeah. However this particular situation it wasn't like it wasn't like your birthday party or something it was like. Yeah everyone thought it was by the way.

The whole night everyone kept telling me happy birthday And I was like aww Well Tana Ween I guess that's true I knew you were like throwing it for somebody else I knew that like I took a look at the list And it was like 90% people that I don't know It was everyone you knew Like when it was actually there You know this already but I'm not in like You're Dolce'd out I'm having a little bit of a mental hiccup We both are in different ways I am I'm just not like

You know when you can identify a problem And you know what the causes are Like I know That it doesn't help Like my mental For me to be drinking For me to be going out For me to be like doing drugs Whatever Yeah I know that that makes it worse Like a situation that's already bad It makes it worse Yeah So I'm like If I can avoid it

I need to for a second And the Halloween of it all is so like stressful Like I need a costume I need to look amazing I have to like see everyone And take all these photos and talk all night And like you said it's like you know people are running around naked People are struggling to get in the door It's not like I'm just hanging out with all my friends here and drinking It was like it was just an overwhelming situation for me When I was already like mentally like a little off I mean it's performance art literally It wasn't just that too I didn't go out once I haven't Yeah I'm literally going outside in probably two weeks

I get that though. Sometimes you need to take a break for your mental health and I feel like you... I had to. You know, I was like... You guys went crazy. It was guns blazing to everyone. No, it was bad. I was like really... I think you cussed out every single person downstairs six times. I did. And you know what's so horrible about it? I was just saying this like literally right before we started. It's like I didn't choose a target. I decided that I was going to go 100% at every single person in the group at once so that like...

There was nobody on my team. I was just horrible to everybody. You honestly, you didn't fire at me though, but I think you're always firing at me. No. So then you took, you took all of that energy and just put it to everyone else. So I was like, well, this is, everyone's like, oh my God. Like when she cusses you out, what do you do? Like everyone was like coming to me and I was like, oh man, I'm just happy that I get a day off. Yeah. Okay. Wait, to be clear. It's not like I was just like out here cussing everyone out, but I was just really, I was really going like a little.

Yeah And that's And we all go crazy In different ways And I identified it And I was like Whoa what Like I woke up Basically there was Like a situation Where I just went So crazy on everybody In our group chat Like so insane And it was completely Unwarranted It was just out of nowhere I went insane I was I just had popcorn And the next day I was like I woke up in the morning And I was like Oh no

Why did I do that? I was drunk. And that's not why I did that. But it didn't help that I was drunk. So I was like, you know what? I'm not going to drink for a second. That was right before your party. And then I just didn't... I didn't drink or I didn't go out for a few weeks. Understandable completely. Because it's like, I almost feel like through partying, I like...

I realized a lot of things. And like maybe you had like saved yourself from doing that. Like going out again and realizing a bunch of shit that you maybe already knew or having different things manifest or whatever, you know. Yeah. I just have a hard enough time managing it without that. So it's like if I can eliminate one like major contributing factor, I'm gonna. I love the idea of being there for your friends when you can. And then being...

I have always said this, but like being understandable, like being understanding when you can't. You know what I mean? I know, but you see, this is where we're going to disagree. It's because now you have a get out of jail free pass.

Well I think there should be no jail Yeah but you can't miss Like birthdays or weddings I think you I think you can I think it's like hey I know and I think you can't I know and it's bad Because I think it's like Oh my god send some flowers I couldn't make it Like because I understand Like literally you could Miss my wedding And if you were like Listen I'm sick I know but that's what We always disagree on Is because I don't Like since I don't feel that way Or like since you feel that way I understand why you don't Think it's a big deal But like if it is a big deal Like I

For me, when somebody like misses something that I know they know is important to me, it makes me sad. I think if it's like deliberate or purposeful or like. But if it's something avoidable, like sleeping. But just like if someone's going through it like in any fucking way, like I've just always been the type of person where it's like I know everyone has their own life and their own journey and their own shit like that. But that's just how I am. I don't know.

I know But now we're even Agree to disagree I missed your I missed your podcast Launch with Becca Moore And you hung me at the stake Honestly No that was foreshadowing You knew before we knew Right I missed that I almost got hung At the literal stake She told me she was Gonna fuck my crush I was on a plane to Miami I almost killed myself First of all

He was our crush. I was literally crying to Jeff on this one. Why did you do this? Not your crush. He was our crush. He was our crush. I DM'd him first and then I handed him off to you when I realized how passionate you were about it. Now he's no one's. He's literally no one's. He's someone's. Got a boyfriend. Oh wait, girlfriend. Something. Something.

Something. Something for sure. But yeah, I loved it. I loved that role reversal. Honestly, I live for it. I knew I had like a little bit of wiggle room. I knew I could miss the party and you wouldn't be upset. But we did have like an imaginary feud online. Everyone's like, oh, yeah. No, all my comments were like, oh, my God. And the way I was just like, who gives? Like, well, it's funny. I love Brooke. Like, I'll see her again. I just I can't.

I think today, I mean, of course, this changes all the time, but I like I can't even imagine myself going to like a party right now. Maybe like I love to go to events like events like brand events or like things that are like more structured, less Project X. Yeah, I just I don't I'm trying not to go out and like with the intention of just

Getting blacked out Yeah Like I want to go to things That are like Oh I'm going to this It's a work thing And then I'm also gonna drink Yeah I'm in my working era I know I love it I do love to see it You know I love to see that I'm never like that Yeah I'm never I like I'm not money motivated at all Usually And I'm like I get so upset Whatever if I make Whatever if I make Come on I know but I feel so much better about it Especially like these past few weeks I'm like oh my god Like what can I do today Like And I love it I love to see you on your grind I have been the exact opposite You're the best about that But I took Halloween

But that's good. Like, it's still your job. Like, I never... Your job is being an influence bitch. I feel like people... This is gonna be the most out of touch sentence ever. But like, I've always put my foot into like Halloween and like serving the looks and doing... I like put my foot into... Put my foot into that shit. Like, I'm just like, I'm gonna have eight costumes and I'm gonna get full glam and I'm gonna like dress up as all the things people request and like, you know what I mean? Like, give the people the serve they deserve or at least try. And like...

I've always had so much fun with it but last year like we always talk about this Paige and I especially but like everyone is where it's like the worst month of the year is October because it's like my whole normal life and like job and then it's like every single day on top of that it's like I'm in a glam chair for five hours and then I'm shooting for fucking three and then I'm making content for another two and then I'm going out at to an event you should just start in March I really I

Fucking should And last October I was like I swear to God November 1st And that's today Is the day where I can First like finally breathe again Like I'm like Okay I don't have I don't have a thousand things To do today On top of the thousand things I have to do today And I never want to be like It's so hard But like I'm done Yeah you do gotta be careful These days I see what they're doing At Charlie Online What?

Oh, like just like you're bitching about your job at all. Definitely not allowed to say being an influencer is hard, but it is like you are doing a lot. I just take on like way too much. And then October is always like the height of that. It's the thing. You can only do so much in a day. Exactly. And it's like I try to have three days in a fucking day all of October. And it's like November 1st is always the day where I'm like, oh, my God, I made it through that. Well, happy November, sister. Thank God. I swear to God, my whole team served. Everyone was like, happy Halloween.

Like not excited about Halloween Like happy it's done Ugh But you were so good Your Christina look Was everything Next year I'm being Like Dr. Phil one time

I'm being like Adam Sandler one time. I loved Quen... Quen? Quenlyn Blackwell as Mr. Clean. Her fucking... All of her looks. Like, she did... Oh, my God. She was amazing. She was everything. Everyone. That's the thing, too, is I used to feel like not as many people did it. Like, there were the certain influencers who, like, took Halloween, like, super seriously, and I loved to, like, be a part of that. And now it's, like...

But it's your whole timeline every day of the month and the competition and the comparison in your head. And then I fucked up. I didn't even do one costume. No, we were Ronald. Yeah. But like, and we were the shining, but both of those situations were like, I showed up here and you were like, put this on. Absolutely. Forcing you. But next year, I swear to God, I'm being Adam Sandler one time. And hopefully I'm married with kids. Like I, this was my last like Halloween in LA. And I think that's why I was like, okay, I'm going to drink and I'm going to like have a lot of fun. And I'm going to do this. Like I,

always get it out baby but it's the last time i think it can still be fun i think we're just you're growing up i don't think next year it's gonna be an influencer party for you and i was happy to like do it this year and know it was like my last hurrah well what was it like was it like besides the naked people and the people trying to get in was it fun it was really fun like because i think everyone comes outside and you see everyone you haven't seen and everyone's dressed up and just so much fun you have all these nights with people that you haven't seen in a long time and everyone's dressed up crazy i'm like

I did have a lot of fun. I wrote down a lot of old LA party stories that I want to tell from like over the years today in my notes. Because like the other night at the end of it, Chris and I were talking about like, we missed this party fire. Roman was throwing a party. They were like, Soulja Boyz is performing. It's Y2K themed. It's at like Hyde rented out, right? And Lila was like, we've literally lived that exact night like 30 times. And then Chris and I got into this whole deep talk of like, I think that's why it's no longer exciting because you could literally...

Get a randomizer. Like, random celebrity, random event, random event. Like, Justin Bieber is doing this at this place. Like, I've lived that night. And you've done it, yeah. And it's like, we were just talking about every single night ever has possibly happened. And it's like, maybe that is why it's more exciting for these newer TikTokers. Because it's like... It is that. I remember when I first got here, it was like, oh my god, Tyga's gonna be there. That's crazy. I watched Tyga perform six times last week. Dude, I'm not kidding. I saw Tyga at the grocery store performing six times.

If I hear Rack City live One more time I made it a whole series On my close friends Like just every time I was at a party this week I would just be like There he is again Dude he's like Mariah Carey He is in his Halloween bag Every year And I respect it Because they pay him so fat It's like why wouldn't you You know what I mean But

But it is just like, it's just not as exciting anymore. It's still like, I recognize that it's cool, but I don't need it anymore. I don't feel, I have no fun. I know his set list. I remember I used to, especially when I first got here, I used to feel like every time I had an opportunity like that, I was like, oh my God, I'm never going to get to do this again. And now I sleep sound at night thinking like, that will happen next week. I think what really just threw me through a loop was Amari's birthday is always like,

It's October 22nd. Oh, yeah. I skipped that, too. And it's always... Yeah, you were out here skipping shit. Well, you did. To be fair, you did start... I was in fucking side. You started Armageddon right before his birthday, so I don't think you were like, let me go on a trip with all these people. No, but I already wasn't going before I did that. I think that's why I felt so comfortable doing it right then. You were like, I can cuss everyone out. I'm not going. We went to...

For Amari's birthday In the middle Of Halloween Like normally For his birthday He like Wants a party Or like

Is down to do a trip like earlier that month or like I've surprised him with like a Rolex or like just different shit. And this year he's like, oh, I really want to do is go to Vegas near my birthday. Just a little something. And like our mom was graduating college as well. Yeah. Congrats, Debs. Congrats, Debbie. My mother, she just graduated college on the but on the 27th. And she was like, if you guys miss this, you're fucking dead. You know what I mean? You wouldn't sleep through that.

Because it's important to her Yeah But I would have gotten like beat Well I guess it's the same thing With you really I am Debbie I was like we have to go there For her graduation anyway So if you want to go to Vegas So bad Let's do a Vegas trip Yeah let's do it And let's do it all But throwing that In the middle of Halloween Like a Vegas trip

Was pretty crazy I've never had a Vegas trip like this one We worked with So actually Your manager Mr. Greg Goodfreid New manager y'all He manages the D'Amelio's He's a great friend of mine He set me up with My manager Seth They're best friends

And so I've known Greg forever And I text Greg And I was like Hey like I know this is a shot in the dark But like could I ever have Like the D'Amelio contact Like the Kardashian contact At Resorts World Like can they like take care of us Like that And he was like sure Like here it is Like what do you want That's so amazing Good to know I get right I get on the phone with Resorts World And I'm like yeah Like it's my best friend's birthday Like if you guys just wanted To take care of us In exchange for some content Like I would love to work out A deal with you Like blah blah blah I'm negotiating this deal And I'm fully ready for them To be like

Here's a one king room You guys can have A free dinner Like just anything Would have helped right And they're like Perfect Mrs. Mojo They give us The biggest penthouse At resorts world Butler service Oh you got that DeMillo treatment Like Rolls Royces and shit Picking us up From the jet It did look so amazing Like I've never had A trip like that Cause I'm always the one Like it's just on my dime Usually or like We work with like An off brand And it was the most

They were treating Amari I swear to God Like Barack Obama Landed there As they should Like As they should I've never seen And it was so much fun It looked a lot of fun But again So overwhelming So

The most overwhelming Absolutely ever And you were back to drinking By this point Well yeah And that was just one of those things Again where I felt like I had no choice Because everyone was so There's always a choice But I get what you're saying That's true There is always a choice And I haven't learned that But it really isn't Like when that many people around you Are drunk That was like my thing Is like I know if I'm around it I'm gonna do it Like I'm throwing a party In the suite What I'm just supposed to sit there With my

I don't know And I guess I could And I have You could And a lot of people do But I Yeah Like I just said Fashion week sober I know I can But for me this one Just felt like nope I'm just gonna send it You know what I mean Remember how on one Of the last episodes I told you that

I was slowly putting my feet in the water of deciding to get back with my ex. You did tell me that. You know what's so funny? I commented on your TikTok the other day of him. I didn't even know that was him. I thought that was a different one of your exes. Who did you think it was? That Josh guy. Oh, really? Yeah, he looked like him. So I was like, wait, I didn't even know you dated him. No, it was Kevin. I was like Kevin. I love Kevin. You commented like I didn't even know you dated him. And I was like...

bro i know i'm stupid but not that stupid some but so he flew out here and came to my halloween party and then we went back to vegas together are you dating him no are you dating any of your exes no but i missed him and like i i don't have faith in myself necessarily to go home for the holidays and not i really you know what i get it

I had a dream about one of my exes last night. Oh, I talked to Flinky Flake. I've been seeing him be so famous. He's being so famous right now. He's been all over my timeline being so famous. I know. What did you guys say to each other? I ran into his mom. So I was like, hey, run into your mom. There's nothing more I love than a mom. And honestly, it was like healing because I don't know if you guys remember how Flinky Flake's situation ended off, but I was like, you're a fucking weirdo. See you later. And I felt bad about it for a while because I really liked him.

And so I was like, hey, Ren and Iram. And he was like, oh, my God. So good to hear from you. I hope I run into you soon. And he said I can beat his date to his premiere that's coming up, which is imaginary because there's a sag strike going on. But I took it. I was like, thank you. That's what's scary is the feeling of any type of feeling of like,

The type of person You can pick up at all Where you left off at Like I love that like Yeah Like Chris and I Could never pick up Where we left off at There's none of that Well you don't want to Pick anything Any of those pieces up Yeah at all At all All that glass Like at all But I'm saying like Like with Kevin It's like There's no bad blood Yeah there wasn't really Any like Anything horrible That happened Where it's like Wait

Like we had our little red rock sitch. Jump back in. We got over it. I felt like we were both in the wrong. And like the only thing that keeps us from being together is long distance. So when we're together, it's like we just act like we're dating and then we just go home and then we're like, wait, you know, that's the worst. I had to. Or the best. Depending on who's asking. I...

Another thing I just have to vent about That's so insane Oh I'm scared Is I made that TikTok About Jet Guy And we've talked about Jet Guy On the podcast Yeah wait So he Does he know How often we talk about him Like we had a whole One thing that's weird Is I attract two kinds of guys Right

Where like certain ones will like bring it up and be like you talk about me on the podcast or like I you know I saw this clip of you talking about whatever on the podcast and then other guys that I know because I hear through the grapevine that they watch the podcast or I've talked about them way too much and I just know the like effects of that like they're getting messages or like whatever like I know they see it but they just act completely oblivious.

But he knows He knows I know he knows I'm friends with his sister I'm friends with his friends I know he knows I think he loves it Because when we The first time we ever talked about him He posted immediately Yeah Like he knows But I made that one TikTok About how he like Booked me the jet And we were like Supposed to go on the date And then after that I kind of got in my own head Because I was like He's 21 Yeah

I'm not And it ends there Honestly Literally That's a full sentence Like I'm Dolce'd out He's 21 You are Dolce'd the fuck out I don't need all that Right But everyone thought From my TikTok That I was like Dating him Well yeah We fucked up though Cause we kept saying Like she's dating this guy But it's like No she's just She's going on dates With this guy The same way I'm Going on dates with Exactly though And then like Yeah we haven't gone On a date since Like made out But like there was I don't know I'm Dolce'd out of that one I think he is too I went to Vegas I went to Vegas

I brought his sister. Oh, no. I wonder who he is. Right. He was supposed to go, too, and then bailed, like, in the final, like, hour. Well, thank God. How would you have had your ex? Well, I was just going to play a fun game of... Juggling? Yeah, which you know I love to do. You're so versatile. But...

Yeah and then he bailed So then I was like Oh perfect He bailed Who does he think he is Yeah he bailed Last minute On the Vegas trip And I was like Wait here I am Still booking my own jets Like whatever He's just 21 And I'm ending that And want to clarify That I'm not You know 21 is too young For you Absolutely 22 is too young for me Absolutely

Speaking of juggling acts, I invited all of my boyfriends to my Halloween party. Yeah, what was it like? Did any of them interact? All of them interacted. Oh, that's... Do you think they knew or do you think like... Do you think they have a good track? Everyone knew. Everyone knew.

Like, I could just tell there was, like, a mental consensus of these men knowing, like, I'm competing for her time. I was matching with Josh McGregor. Like, we had a matching costume. So, like, you... That is so... Like, that was planned. It wasn't like he showed up. That's, like, the funniest thing to do, knowing damn well that you have eight other boyfriends coming, is matching with a man that you are currently hooking up with. Talking to, not... You know, we haven't hooked up in a while, but... BFFR. So, we matched, then...

Kevin flew out here and like we went together and like whatever Chris came you went with somebody you weren't matching and matched with somebody else you are already you just God you are so far ahead of the game jail time but like so fun so then and then the homeowner was also matching me because I like was trying to like you know what I mean like

Make him feel like The belle of the ball And Honestly sway Chris came Chris was just fucking With all of them What did Chris go as? Didn't dress up once He didn't have to Yeah exactly Like just the The Balenciaga full fits Give The ski mask That he just wears To the grocery store Every Everywhere he goes It's insane

And it's so funny because I think after everything, every time as friends, but still, I just ended up like going to Chris's and like leaving with Chris. And what do we say about that audience? I had something happen to me. What happened to you when you went home with Chris? Does anything good ever happen when you go to go home with Chris? This all goes back to that one podcast episode. Well, you know, you guys wait. What? No, come on. Let me think. You can never be friends. Wait.

Well, that was at a time where I believe we can be friends. But it's like I can't expend my time to like watching someone else to like make sure they're being who I want them to be. Like type of shit, you know? And I've just been hanging out with Chris a lot. And I love to hang out with Chris still. But in certain settings, you know? Certain settings are okay. Our friendship is great now. And I think it always will be. Like from this point forward. Because we both have gotten to the point where it's like,

Literally, I was making out with Kevin all night. We're not jealous. I know what he does. We're friends and we're cool. But when I start to spend too much time and in the wee hours and at the very Chris-style events with all the friends, that's when it's like, okay, you can't do that. And I had an experience at an event with...

a bunch of Chris's friends and shit and just a bunch of people I know in that like realm and I'm not gonna talk about this now I'm not kidding I might have to save it for like my book one day like I think it's that dark I don't think it's like a podcast topic at all it's like really dark and sad oh I had an experience there that was so it changed my whole life

This was like five days ago. It was the night I was Christina. At least you looked amazing, but... I looked gorgeous, and I had a great night and a fun night. A major like perspective shifter. I think I saw a dark side that I haven't... Not of him or of a person. A dark side of... Yeah, that's honestly important. Yeah, of LA and of just a bunch of shit. And I saw a part of myself that I feel like I hadn't seen since like 2019. Like just...

A bunch of really accidental dark shit happened to me. Like, accidentally some dark ass shit happened to me. It shifted my whole perspective. It made every dark thought I've been having for the last six months, like, come forward. Like, I think I needed it. Um, I, well, maybe. I think that over the past six months, I've been having all these thoughts of, like, reasons why I might necessarily not be the happiest. Right.

When I'm sober, like why am I so bored and miserable? Like I want to move to New York. Like I want to move away. Like just all these like bullet pointed, like small, just intricacies of my brain that are dark that I'm kind of just navigating through life with normally just with a normal brain and normal thoughts and normal everything. And I feel like they all came forward and I had this like ego death. I cried for 18 hours straight.

Like actually 18. I've never cried like that in my entire life. I'm like, you know I have. Like for sure. Where I was just like, I have to change so many things. Okay, so maybe it was like a...

Blessing in disguise But still just like It was so scary That I wish it never happened But I wouldn't change The effects of it happening Like I have Like It just And it just made me Look at everything Like I have the most fun Halloween week Literally ever Like and I I had a great time But like I know This is no longer my life

And so many of the things I do. I feel like you just, do you just like feel unfulfilled? Like nothing is just exciting in this lifestyle any longer because I've done it all and I've seen it all. And even work-wise, like I'm just doing so many things that I hate.

Feel like I have to do To like be Tana To like Maintain an image I feel like it's the natural Trajectory of like a celebrity It's like it literally Always happens exactly like that It's all exciting And like you know Glittery and gold And then You realize like It's nothing special And all of a sudden You start feeling like Super dated And you realize like There are these certain Five people Or these certain five things That do fulfill me But like everything else Is just like noise And like again Like I've just been doing this For ten years And I feel like

Like there's just nothing I can't

See or do that hasn't already happened And like I need to do more things That are new That fulfill and excite me Yeah maybe you're just in like a major rut That's how I feel You don't have to outsource so far as to like move cities I feel like you could just literally completely Like from here shift your life Into something different I don't think I ever could and I think that's the problem here I think I would always see this Like the same people I would always be like Dragged into the same world It's so crazy though because there are like Fucking like

Alternate realities Like right where we are Right now Like people experience LA Completely differently Like some people Explain LA in a way That's like I do not live that I do not see that Those are not the people I'm around It's so strange And I agree with that But I think that I am Too far deep As Tana In this world

And maybe I don't even necessarily Yeah it's not like You could all of a sudden Like pop out on the west side And like just be like a Like and I don't even Necessarily mean like my I mean other people's Perception of me here as well Like it's just Always gonna be a certain way Because of the life I've built here for 10 years You know what I mean And I just feel like I need like

New stimuli Like somewhere else I need new things To stimulate me And motivate me And I And I've I said this in the last episode This A lot of this came forward Like I am I'm so motherfucking Dolchayed out On like The drama The fact that we're just Unironically saying that Every five Like we're in a completely Serious conversation And you're dolchayed out I'm dolchayed the fuck out Of drama

Like everyone's just drama and fighting and group chats and everyone's just always fighting. No, it's fine. Like I can't help it. It's, it's every, it's everyone else's. That can be their journey or like even just, I have friends call me like, you'll never believe what just happened at this. And I'm like, I want, I want to shatter this phone. Yeah. Like I just like, I want new conversations. I want new, I get that though. I feel like that's kind of where some of my like frustration, it's like not frustration, but I feel like I've been kind of resentful of that. Like,

You know when you get so exhausted of like the way your life is and stuff that you start blaming everybody else for it. I feel like that's part of the reason I've been like lashing out on people so hard is like

When shit happens in the group chat And when like things happen in the friend group I'm like god I hate this Like yeah And I just freak out and I get so mad I can't be mad at like It's my own fault Yeah I can't be mad at other people Because they still want to live a life I no longer want to live Yeah but that's what I think the problem is I get like so mad at myself Because I'm like what am I doing And it's not like It's nothing against our friends or anything But I like I'm also older than like the rest of the group So I feel like a certain sense of like

What the fuck am I doing? I also think it's like certain people possess more self-awareness than other people, more crippling self-awareness. I don't even necessarily mean like you're just more self-aware than other people, but some people crippling self-awareness is almost like while it can be your superpower, it can also be

Your worst enemy. You know what I mean? Just being so aware of like how awful certain things are in certain situations are like, you know, you might see like other people doing things like I am. This is so annoying. But you're like, what the fuck? You know? Yeah. I know that at one point in my life, I'll be like married and have kids and there'll be battles there, you know, and drama there and hardships there and fighting and shit like that. But right now I'm just like, I don't have the capacity for anything.

any like negativity or drama like and it's like I I need like peace I need to feel peace and again that's always how I feel at the end of October because it's the least peaceful month of my year so I really get like that but like yeah it's just a year in general too like you just lived fucking 10 months straight I feel like it and not that it like resets at the new year but it is just like I also feel like I've never had a year like this year where like every year I feel like for the

My whole life, really. Like, up until now, like, yes, there's been hardships throughout the year, but it felt like a roller coaster. And I felt like there'd be certain moments where I'd have hardships and I'd learn. And then I'd just be coasting and, like, enjoying things. And then, like, hardships and I'd learn coasting and enjoying things. Like, whatever. And I feel like this year, like, every single day, I have not stopped learning shit about, like, myself and the way I want to live. And, like, all these hard lessons, hard pills to swallow. Like...

hard. Like, I just feel like I haven't had like a break from that feeling this whole year. You're like, got to take a second process. Like, I don't know. I get like that where it's like, okay, that's enough. I like, give me a second to think about it. And that's exactly how I felt at this like dark, bad moment that I keep referencing is I feel like all of those lessons and feelings I've felt and thoughts I've thought and things I've learned this year, like all came to a head. And I was like, whoa, like I'll kill myself if I don't.

You know Do you have any idea Like what the change is I know you said You might want to like Go somewhere for a sec I think that right now Like my Move Is sending myself Out of LA For like two weeks And not working Like turning Like I feel like that's gonna be Sorry to cut you off But like the major thing Is like you haven't Had a second Like cause even when you Like you know Or just at home all day Like

I feel like you always feel like you have to be doing something. And I was talking about this at length with Chris is that I live with such a crippling guilt of if I'm not doing enough. Like even if I sleep all day, the second I'm awake, I'm like, okay, I have a hundred unread texts. I need to answer every single one and put all of this on the books. And you know what I mean? Book all this stuff out. I need my whole month booked out. I need to feel like I'm doing enough in the press to maintain my career. I feel like I need to be, you know what I mean? Like making sure this podcast is doing absolutely everything it can on, on,

Realms I guess You know I need to put like Everything into everything I'm doing And I feel this No matter how good I'm doing Like I can walk off A sold out tour And I'm like That wasn't enough Like why didn't Why do you Yeah but I feel like Two weeks like

Is not gonna Affect your momentum At all Like two weeks Like if anything It might help you Because I feel like You'll have like a new energy And be more Yeah it's not momentum It's like And I think this comes from My like childhood And having no money Like even just the Beginning of my career And the beginning of all of this I like have always felt this Like fire under me Like I can't just like Sit still and do nothing Or like not make money Or not work hard Or like not Be constantly trying to Level up the shit I'm doing

Career wise Because I always felt like You are so good about that Like I had no money And like I had to I wonder if that is What it is though Because I feel like

Like I that it affected me exactly the opposite way. I almost feel like no like I place not enough value in money and I want I'm working on being better about that money. It's like I feel like a failure in every way. I feel well. I feel like you probably also you've been so successful that it's probably like a high that you get off of like every time you like accomplish something. I think maybe I haven't like quite accomplished enough for me to start like getting high on that. But although that's fair, I am starting. I feel like now to be like, oh my God, like

I did this and it's so good. It makes me want to keep doing it. But that's awesome. That's like, I'm like, I did this, but I'm still like, I'll always just like live with this like insane guilt that I'm not doing enough and it's not enough. And then it's not like, you know what? But it's only a battle I have with me and myself that I never like vocalize. Like I haven't had five days off of like literally like actually off of my life and being Tana.

In as long as I can like... Yeah, you need to do that. Like I need to turn my phone off. You need to not tell anyone. You need to disappear. I need to turn my phone off. I don't want to hear about... And that's the thing too is it's like I also just came to this realization where it's like I take on everyone's problems. And I know that I'm that type of person. It's not that. You kind of like are the...

I don't know You're like our person Like I feel like You're like our son That's really nice But like And I'm I've always been that friend My friends are my family Like I want to give everyone The best advice I want to be there for everyone I want to help everyone

In every way I can. But not even just my immediate circle. It's like... Then there's like the second immediate circle where everyone feels that way. And it's like... I feel like when anyone is like, oh my God, I'm going through so much. I'm so depressed. They come to me like... It's draining though for your energy. It's like... Like, oh my God, I'm going through this in my career. How do I handle it? I know you've been through it. Like, it's just...

Or it's just the people where it's like, I feel like I've done everything to get you to where you are. Like, I've been every rung of your ladder to get you to the top of your career, but you don't give a fuck if I'm having a bad day. You expect me to be there and turn it on. Like, everyone just...

Like you know And it's not that I feel like used up I know people love me But it's like I'm I just am I'm dulcet out You're dulcet the fuck out dude And I finally like This event made me really Hit the catalyst Of all these emotions And realize and learn that Well I kind of I like it I like the idea of you Just like literally Going off the grid Taking two weeks Three weeks Yeah To just fuck around Like go somewhere And don't say anything Maybe bring like Paige or something So you don't die Yeah And it's also like Real like

Real companies Because that's what it is Like a real company Takes like a holiday Like I don't Like I never had Like and it's just like Like they're like I'm out of office Until January 1st Like I want to be Out of fucking office Like Well you yeah You need to start Treating it like a real job Like I wish What sucks too Is like you can't It doesn't suck It's a privilege But like

You can't just like Clock in Clock out It's not like at fucking You know 5pm everyday You're just done for the day It's like you're The way Your job works It's just not like that And so much of it is like

Like I'll randomly get a text For like a huge opportunity And then it's like Can you be there tomorrow? Can you do this? Can you do that? You know? Like even just now I'm trying to book these Yeah but people do get burnout Like that's the problem It's like you really do You don't realize Because it's like It seems like one little bit At a time But like All of a sudden you're like Okay I just took on 12 little things And now all of a sudden Yeah

I lost so much. And I've been burnt out before and this one just feels different. Like it feels like different emotions towards the burnout. But like, yeah, and I don't know how to do it. I think I'll still feel guilty when I take the time off. Just now I'm trying to book my two weeks away and I got offered two of the biggest magazine covers of my life. And I'm like... Huge slay. But like, you know, what I was just saying with the FOMO, it's like...

Those opportunities Will come again Like it's not It's not gonna be Like the last I feel you I think Hollywood Just conditions you To believe like Especially as a woman Like with your youth Yeah you've got like A little bit of a Shelf life going on But you're not You're not a model You're a personality Thank god I hope they love me When I'm wrinkled So long as you don't Croak You don't do anything So

I woke up the other day, not kidding you, to 40 people sending me reels, TikToks, texts, everything. The Panera Charged Lemonade killed someone. Oh my god, and I believe it. The Panera Charged Lemonade killed someone. That's one of those situations, like the Lime Scooter thing, like if I die that way, you better lie. Lie, lie, lie. So there's 400 milligrams of caffeine in a regular-sized Panera Charged Lemonade. The problem is nobody knows the, like...

And they put it on the labels and shit. Yeah, measurement. Well, it's like if someone asked me what I am in centimeters, like I don't fucking know how many centimeters I am. 100%. You can tell me how much caffeine is in something. I don't fucking know what that means. And just the same thing is like you drink a can of Red Bull and you know exactly how much like that's going to do to you. Whereas at Panera, you're just filling up that cup and it tastes, it doesn't taste like an energy drink, whatever. I was like addicted to these. You know, me, you and Bebe had a day where we all went...

Like Drifting I remember that day so vividly And they did tell me When I got it They were like Just so you know Like That's a lot of caffeine I'm like Oh please And then I was Cracked the fuck out I drink so much caffeine I remember all three of us Were in the car And we were like Are we gonna die right now Like it's like

Like BB was like Gonna throw up out the window Or it was you Like we all thought We were literally gonna die And then the difference In the three of us Is y'all never drink them again I drink them every day For the next three months Yeah Although I am a caffeine fiend I drink like three Celsius a day Yeah Like And it's But it's honestly Starting to make me sick So like I'll never forget this day I had at Wyndham Where I was drinking them The charged lemonade And I'd also taken My Adderall that day

And I drank like a giant. That. Charged lemonade. And I Google. Two of them I think. And I Google the caffeine intake. Like that you can have for the day. And it's like 400 milligrams. And I'd had like 800 in Adderall. And I was like laying on the floor. And I was like. Do I go to the hospital right now? And then I stopped drinking the charged lemonades. Because I was like. That is scary. But it is. It is crazy. Like people die like from less. Yes. Yes. But like. I think. As much as I love the occasional Fuji apple charged lemonade. Yeah.

take them off the shelf panera yeah that's the thing i it's it really worked like what what came over them where they were like i have to get yeah but it's like i feel like they would still be good if they weren't that they didn't have crack in them like why'd they even have to put the crack in it i've been sworn off panera charged lemonade and i think everyone should be but i just can't believe it you know what i hope they get their money i hope oh my god not only do i want broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl for life

Absolutely. I want billions. If you could... Wait, did you see what's going on with the new McDonald's terms and conditions? No. Hilarious that you have seen that though. On the McDonald's app, it now like they have you accept new terms and conditions. And if you accept...

Okay why Well because they keep getting sued For what Various different reasons Like I mean I'm sure it's happened like For a bunch of different I remember Like the supersize me energy No do you remember that documentary About that girl Well this is like so unrelated But like that girl who had the coffee And they spilled it in her lap And she got third degree burns And she sued them for like millions Yes Remember the finger in the Wendy's chili Yeah was that real

Like the thumb? I don't know. My parents were so wildly afraid of that. I'll never forget it. I was like, again, pay the electric bill. But anyway, if you accept the terms and conditions, like most people don't read them. No one fucking reads the terms and conditions. You're signing a contract, essentially. Yeah. Basically, they are not liable for anything, like anything. You can't sue them, essentially, for anything. And you can't like you you wave your right to a jury or like an actual trial. And you have to just like there's like one person who can decide. Yeah. Yeah.

And so you're like, why are we ordering McDonald's through the app and signing the terms and conditions? Like, why? Why don't we just go through the drive through so that just in case we need to hit that lawsuit? Because this is the this is that we're in a tech era. That's true. We are. We are. But that is weird. Like, why is any fast food chain making me accept terms and conditions for anything at all? I mean, but that's like burying me with a Big Mac, you know. Do you like Arby's?

It's actually funny because I just, after my mom graduated, all she wanted was an Arby's milkshake. She apparently loves them. And dad loves the beef and cheddar. So I ordered them Arby's. I was like, let me get you a meal since you're always cooking me a meal. And I thought about you. It's so far. And I, you know what? I don't know why I'm writing so hard for Arby's. I haven't had it in years. I haven't had it since I was in high school. Roast beef really does just like remind me of pussy. Girl, I eat pussy.

I'm just saying like like do you know what I mean? Okay, um, you could check out my sitch if you want. I think it gives like I feel like turkey Forest pig damn Fish fillet, um Isabella was dating this like rich ass guy who would like every day order a fish fillet and then order caviar and then put the caviar on the mcdonald's fish fillet Yeah, that's an egg for sure like super like just one or the other please Okay

We were just talking about how the times are changing. You know, we're in a tech era. Whatever, right? The tech era has nothing to do with it. I was just trying to segue, but it wasn't working. You suck. Can I tell you something that used to happen? Something that used to happen when I was in high school.

And there's a good chance this also, your school used to do this. And I'm praying they did so we can really like dive into it. And I don't remember the exact name of it, but I saw a TikTok about it the other day. And again, like my entire childhood is suppressed. So this was the first time I thought about it since it ever happened. I was like, oh my God, that happened, right? My school used to do this thing. And I don't remember the name of it. It was called like Jaws of Life or like Fight for Life or like something like that. Okay, right?

And it was because drunk driving was like so Yes Did your school fucking do this? Yes but it wasn't Oh god what was it called? Can we Are you talking about when they have the helicopter come in Someone has to be a fake dead person Yes but can I Can we just tell the class really quick For people who don't know this And you correct me of what happened at your school Right? Okay

So this program would come in to stop. Their goal was to stop DUIs or to at least instill kind of a fear and awareness in the youth about driving drunk. And they would come into the school. And the first thing they would do is they would hand select like seven or eight students from the school. And they would really ensure to pick people like one popular kid, one band kid, one athlete, one...

Like cheerleader One nerdy girl One You know what I mean Fucking loser No I'm just kidding It was so funny That you gave Everybody like a sport Or a thing And then one person Was just a fucking loser I'm kidding I'm kidding My school was really bad About that Like really segregated Like that Like super like Popular non-popular And it sucked Really? And I hated that I was always like Friends with everyone But just They would pick Seven or eight Very different people And

They would take their phones and then they would make them sign like a thing, like saying like, I will not communicate with anyone at all throughout any, like nothing, like not even the people in my house, whatever. The parents would have to come in and write an obituary for their kid. Like my son died on drunk driving. Like it's essentially like my kid is dead and their parents would have to like sign away that like everyone's going to have the idea that their kid is dead. And then they would go put the like seven kids in like

Or like make sure they were just to where no one could contact them like at all right. And then they'd put their tombstones in the front of the school. And everyone would have to leave flowers. And write letters like they were dead. And like you really felt like your friends were dead. Like it was like.

They made it, like, so real, and they would, like, be warning, taping off the school, and, like, bringing in, like, close friends of the friends for interviews, and, like, doing all these things that would lead up to this event, where in front of the school one day, in front of the tombstones, they would... And it was such a big budget, like, production. Like, it was, like, could the school lunches be better? I don't know why they spent so much money on this. But, like...

Where they would simulate A fake car crash And they would bring in All the students And they would cover them In prosthetics With gore and blood Like everywhere Like bad And then they'd have Helicopters in And fly them out In body bags And then like Bring them back in caskets And you'd have to have A funeral at the school Like for your friends And everyone would be sobbing It's crazy It's a universal experience And they've been doing it For years Because I was actually Just watching a show Where they did it And it was The show came out Like 15 years ago Did this happen In your high school?

I think it only happened... Did you go to a big high school? Mm-hmm. I think it only happens at, like, big high schools. Because whenever I talk to people who, like, went to, like, a smaller... Well, yeah, they did not have a budget for that at, like, anyone's small school. But, like, it was, like, a huge thing out in the stadium. Like, it was big. I loved it. Not that I didn't love it. But it was, like... But it was cool. It was, like... It was, like, a field trip. I was, like, oh, my God. I never felt like it was cool. Oh. It's pretty weird. Like, I was, like, this is, like... And I...

And well, ours wasn't as extreme. Like no one. We didn't actually think that people were dead. They just like brought us out there as if it was like like a lockdown or something. We all went out into the field and then they did the helicopters and the crash and the blood and all that. But like the tombstones, the obituaries. I think they were doing. I think honestly, someone at your school was probably like, let's really drag this one out. And honestly, you probably had more.

Vegas is like A pretty big drunk driving place too Yeah I feel like it never stopped people At least the people I knew And the people I went to school with Like it was just this weird big thing Where your friends were dead And it traumatized everyone For like a week And it was like super sad I don't know if they could have Gotten away with that at my school So many people died at my high school That it was like really Really Really alarming Tana In my graduating class alone We had a kid who was Stomping

who died sledding okay sledding hit a tree died my friend ridge died he had leukemia and he was like fighting for so long and we were all like it was a huge thing like a community-wide thing with our school and everything he beat it

like six months later of a heart attack. Didn't even die of cancer. Another kid got struck by lightning. I am not fucking kidding, Tana. Another kid, a kid, it was one of my biggest fears. Weirdly. No, this one's the craziest one. A kid. One of them was in my grade. It was a boy and a girl. I can't remember which one is in my grade. One was a grade below us. Their dad was diagnosed with like a brain tumor and he died

Like, it was like this... Like, a neuro... Whatever. I don't know. Drove him crazy. Okay? Drove the dad crazy? Yes. Shot his wife. Shot both of his kids. Put them in the car. Drove out into the middle of the desert. Drank gasoline. Lit the whole car on fire. Okay? So, so many... Oh, and then...

Day before the last day of school, a kid brought a gun to school and shot himself with all of us there. How does your school have a budget? No, it was just, it was so many people died. Like our graduation was so eerie because it was like that we would do like moment of silences for everyone who in our class who died. No one talked for an hour. And it was like, it was a huge thing. You can look it up like as text. It was like such a huge thing at my high school where it was like, what the fuck is going on? Like everybody is dying. I have chills on my literal face. That's crazy. It was so crazy. Like,

Oh my god And we like Obviously couldn't go to school For a second after Like this thing happened And we were on It was like a whole thing But yeah I don't think They would have gotten away With the whole tombstone thing Because it was like We've seen enough Yeah that's fair We didn't have a lot of deaths At my high school We had like one or two And then everyone just died After high school Like that Like so many That's what I think What sucks about Vegas Is like so many drug overdoses And like fucked up shit Arizona's like that A lot too More like

I think Vegas has to be the worst. Yeah. Sorry, that was dark. I have so many more morbid topics. I don't know what's going on. I have a question for you. And I honestly think I already know your answer. Okay. Because you, I feel like you don't really care about this stuff as much. But I have this like thing that I'm trying to work through right now, which is my like delusional self-importance.

No, you. No. Well, this is what makes me sad. It's happened to me twice now. It just happened like this past weekend. I'm kidding. You are important. One of my... No, but like... Like, I understand where I'm wrong in this situation, but I'm still like... It still hurts me. Like...

I have had now two of my like longest best friends get married and I'm not invited to either. I wasn't invited to either of their weddings. And like, it makes perfect sense because I haven't seen these people, you know, in years and I don't talk to them and stuff. But in my head, I'm like, they were at my wedding.

You know what I mean? So when I'm not ready... They were at your... What? No, I'm saying like they would be at my wedding. Okay, I was like, whoa. Both of these people were like... Their families were so good to me that it was like I just loved their families so much. And since I don't have like a big family, I've always imagined my wedding being like all my friends' little families there. Yeah. And so I like... They've always been... Like both of these families have always been at my wedding. Neither of them invited me. One of them just got married this last weekend and I was like, oh my God, now another family bites the dust. I have...

It's okay. We'll find new ones. We'll find you new ones. But you know what I mean? Like, and I, I know weddings are so personal too. And like, I know it's hard for people like weddings. No, I get it. I get it completely from their end because it's like, Oh, I haven't even seen you or talked to you in years. But I think because I'm, I place so much value in like the family of it all. Cause I'm like, Oh, these are my little families. So do I, I get it. I think,

A lot of that feeling comes from like having no family and placing so much of your family value into... Yeah. What isn't technically family. You know what I mean? I have a few like friends, families like that where they took so much care of me as kids and we've fallen out over time. Yeah. But it's like, well, in my head, I'm like, oh, well, they're family. You don't have to talk to them every year. But they got married and I'm like...

Oh my god The wedding And now I can't invite them To my wedding Because that's embarrassing Yeah you cannot invite them To your wedding Honestly fuck them Honestly fuck them I know but it's like No fuck them I know that I'm wrong In this situation Because I know that If I were to get married I don't think you're wrong Or if I were to get married Like well it's like If someone doesn't want you At their wedding They don't want you At their fucking wedding Yeah but I don't think I don't like I completely validate The way you feel I think I would feel the same way But I was like And the worst part about it Is we have a group chat Like it was like Me and my three best friends Like my three girl best friends In a group chat That we had all of high school And I was like

And all of them were invited except for me. They're texting in the group chat pictures of it. I'm like, y'all knew I wasn't invited. What the fuck are you texting in the group chat for? You're there. Like, why do you even have to text?

When I go home for the holidays I have a lot of friends That'll like do shit like that And then they'll be like I didn't invite you to the baby shower Because like you're You're so famous now Like just the way like hometown people Like will say shit to you Like do you think it's some Like maybe something of that sort That they think your life Is just so like ostracized Like far away from their life Yeah I get a lot of that Especially with randomly My college friends They'll be like Oh we didn't think you would want to come It's like of course I would want to come And it's like that was my childhood Of course I would want to come Yeah That's like upset me too Like That just happens though I feel like even just moving to L.A.

It did. Like so much changed. I left obviously a year before I was done. So like that's my senior year. All my best, like best, best, closest friends who I like was, you know, like I was so close with all my friends in college. They had a whole year without me, like where I was just gone. So they like, like went on and forgot about me. So they would do stuff like,

My roommate, my college roommate, my roommate the entire time I was in college, she was still to this day, she's like my favorite person alive. She got married and like, I went to her wedding and I was like, does she even fucking like me? Like,

It's just people just like... I think the second you set foot moving here, people just view you... Even like Ari. Ari's not in the scene. We talk about him a lot and he's a part of a character of our content, but he doesn't make content. He's not trying to be famous. He's just living in LA. You know what I mean? And I feel like people from his...

Previous life in Vegas Even treat him like that Like they're like Oh I didn't think You'd want to come Like you're all famous Now in LA But it's like I had to start Begging people I was like Listen I want to come I'm the same way I'm going I'm like And I'm so careful About not like Denying an invite now Because I'm like I don't want them To stop inviting me Because I want to always Be like go back To my college friends things Yeah I feel like I feel like

All of the weddings I've been... Unless it's like someone in this space. Well, like Ashley Hunter's best friend. Like I remember she was like, are you sure you want to come? Miranda even. Like, are you sure you want... What do these people think we're doing? Everything. Ever. All at once. It upsets me because I'm like, what? Like...

I don't understand I really just don't understand I feel like people just think I'm too busy for their weddings And I'm like I love love I love a wedding So it's like you know Yeah Well you You like I understand You know what I mean But like we live like You know But even We're sitting on this couch Yeah Like they probably like see it And they're like you know I get it Ugh I remember at that wedding though It was my best fucking friend Okay She's my best friend I would literally do anything for her And I set her and her husband up Okay Okay

Tell me why. I think, I can't remember if I told this story or not. You've told me this a little bit in life. I told you how like pissed I was about it. I don't think I ever told this story on the podcast, but you guys, this was like such a major thing for me. This dumb...

Who I was so close with in college. I looked up to her so much. I actually do think maybe I haven't told the story. But she made me... I sat down at that wedding and she literally goes, are you kidding? I go, what? She goes, don't you think it makes a little more sense for me to sit a little closer to her than you? And I go...

You mean my roommate of fucking four years who's marrying a man I literally set her up with? No, it doesn't make any more fucking sense, you stupid fucking rat. And wasn't she like so rude to you the rest of the trip? No, before, prior to that, she had said something. I was wearing like an outfit. I was wearing like a two piece set and I was like, oh, like, I was like, I feel weird in this outfit because it was like kind of revealing. And it was, it was like nothing, nothing wedding related. But we were just all like,

They're already Yeah You know And I said something And she was like She was like Oh you feel weird in that outfit I go What's that supposed to mean She goes Your literal job Is to post your tits online I go Wait that's Actually not my job at all People tell me that every day But my job is really not that It's my job that In fact This is my job Like And so I got so And she said it in front of everybody And it was like Just comment after comment That was just like that Where I was like Wait what And it pissed me off so You want me to hit her Oh my god

Let me know It sucks though Because like she was She was someone I've always like Just looked up to so much Because she's so fucking smart And like just good at everything Yeah

But you're smart and good at everything and a horrible fucking person. Yeah, but it just like, oh my God. And embarrassing me in front of everybody when I already felt uncomfortable. Like I'm at my own fucking longest best friend's wedding and you're making me feel out of place. It was the weirdest, strangest situation. And she apologized and stuff, but I still think about it constantly. And every single time we get to post anything for this podcast, I think of her because she was so dismissive about my job. Like, oh, you just post your tits online. Then I'm like, yeah, fuck you.

100 I think people just like Like she probably was like Wanted to be married Was jealous And sad to be there Alone and single Like and then seeing you thriving And then still coming And accepted by the friends No but it's just like I would never Definitely was just threatened I can't imagine someone Sitting down and being like Why would you sit there At a fucking wedding Like oh you can't see her Yeah Like she's my And it's not

Some stranger She is my She's been my best friend For years And this also just Isn't like Adele Live in Vegas Like it's not like There's like I need row 1A Like it's like As long as you're there You're there I didn't even fucking Put my stuff down Someone said Oh sit next to me So I was like Oh yeah I will And she was like Absolutely not I just started Hysterically sobbing too And I had to leave I left the wedding Because I was like

I don't I don't want to make this day about me but I was like hysterical you say that and I that's like why I I'm so cautious at weddings especially of like ensuring there's no drama even if I see other drama I'm like everyone let's have a good time or like it's so common for people to start like because

Because everyone takes everything so personally And I was like that And they make shit about themselves though And it's like dude This is the one damn day We're celebrating these two people in love Like just shut the fuck up And like show face Yeah but that's why I had to leave Because I was making it about me Because I was like All of a sudden I was like wait what the fuck Well because someone was a c**k

And was also making it about her own drama. Yeah, because I was, you know, I was, it was a destination wedding. I was already all the way fucking like across the world for this stupid, not stupid wedding, but I was across the world for this wedding. I was included in nothing but the wedding. So I was like already like, oh, like this is sad. I, you know. Yeah. I'm like not in this group anymore. And then she was like, yeah, you can't sit there. I was like, you fucking whore.

And you're sitting there with the emotion of like, I have a different life now and I'm not fully in this group. So I already feel a little like sad and outsider. Half of it was like what I already felt about myself. Yeah. So I was like already insecure about those things. Awful. Completely reinforced all of it. Like to my face in front of everybody, I was like, I hate your guts. Just awful. Yep. Absolutely awful. And you know what? Fuck you. And. Do you remember the n***a?

In LA Sure do Again this goes back To what I was saying earlier Just I've seen Absolutely everything In Los Angeles And I made this whole list Of a bunch of things Like this that I eventually I could do a whole podcast about But this one was so crazy To me right So we would always Go to this mansion In LA And we would go

One of the biggest houses So beautiful Beautiful Best view in all of LA Like biggest Lot of house Like most stunning house Like I know a crazy celebrity Used to live there I can't remember which one But it was like Crazy And then this company Took over the house Right And they would always Throw parties there And let people Throw parties there But on top of that They would run A whole business Out of it

Under the same name that we're bleeping. Out of this house where they were a podcast agency. Amari and Tara's World and Badzak had a podcast under their agency. A bunch of people I know did. And would go there to shoot and work and whatever. But there was always the owner of the house, right? And we'll call him Bill. And Bill was probably...

Almost 60. Maybe like 50 actually. And he would be at every single party. This is where 24 Karat Golden's birthday was. Like the night I ruined my life. The word that I hate people. I love them night. Like the worst night of my life. And he would always be there at every party. And he would be like. He would make friends with all the like stars. And different people that would come through. And like everyone was just like Bill. But he was just like the weird old guy that was there. And like owned the company. And also lived in the house and whatever. And like.

You don't know this? Oh, you don't... Do you not know this story? Like, how the house ended? So, wasn't he, like, stealing money from people? So much worse than that, though. Oh. So, like...

This went on for probably two years. Like I probably attended hundreds of events and parties and work things there and knew this guy and he was always very weird. Like even in my like drug eras was always like, do you want Coke? Do you want this? Do you want that? Like even that like night of like the 24 karat golden night, like a lot of the shit that I in took, I think kind of directly came from Bill and just like,

Why are you 50? And he had kids, but they would never be there. And no one understood. It was like, why are you doing this? Like, why are you giving drugs to all these young Hollywood people? Always like name a celebrity. They've been there. They've done drugs with Bill. Like it was like that, you know? But then in the daytime, people would just come and do their podcast and their work out of there, which was such a weird like combination of things. I've never seen anything like that really in L.A. Like and then one day there was a party there one night and like

helicopters and like SWAT show up and it's like

They were just writing it off Like oh they shut down a party Like everyone go Like the police are here Like whatever Helicopters and SWAT Don't like Yeah SWAT doesn't come to parties SWAT doesn't shut down a house party Absolutely literally ever You know what I mean And then I just started hearing All these rumors Through the grapevine About Bill And like the things he was doing And then it was like Okay he Embezzled all this money And stole all this money To create the podcast network That everyone was under And he did all these illegal things So he's like Why would you embezzle money Just to make a podcast network

That also embarrassing to so many other things Well Not me Not me in business I've known other people who have done that Anyways

And so but then the rumors just kept getting like weirder. It was like, oh, like, I think he's like getting caught up for some more shit because now he's like not there anymore. And he lived there. And then like we'd go there and he'd just be nowhere to be found. He wouldn't be there. But like parties and shit would still be happening. I'm like, whatever, blah, blah, blah. And then we hear a rumor one day that he got caught up with some like

Like some weird, really fucked up shit, right? I hate when that happens. And I don't know what had happened. Like a couple days go by and they're throwing a party there. And people just kept going because I don't think people were associating like... A lot of people didn't know that like the house was his or like... Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Whatever. He built a bunker under the house. He built a bunker under the house. And eventually one day the SWAT came.

And the police came and they like found him in the bunker under the house and he got charged with all this shit. He's in jail for life. Like that was an era of our life. Like going to that house, like knowing this man. He was a bunker. To hide? To hide. Not a very good hiding place. Under your own house.

like they they what do you mean they found him swat looks in the bunker like what the fuck do you mean you built a bunker and so many people went crazy there like i won't say his name but like an artist i knew like they gave him like a bunch of like acid and like ayahuasca and weird shit there i believe it you know i'm talking about um they're not who's still fine not but i don't know either it's

Oh my god And he went insane And he was like He went insane And he started like Posting his own balls On the internet And saying like Fucked up shit online Like we're like Oh my god And was the nicest Like they drugged him there Like all this Oh my god That was horrible It was just like Such a like Illuminati ass house And I'm like Chris and I were talking About that the other day Like that was just something Everyone brushed over It's so crazy Because we really Like I've only been here Like six years And so I've lived like Seven lives during that time

It really is so interesting. I'm moving to Wisconsin. Like you said, hide earlier. And like literally like I got like the shivers because I'm like, I can't imagine stepping foot into hide now. But I lived there. I loved it. I think certain people are meant to just be in L.A. forever. And even Trisha came on our pod and was talking about like people moving out of L.A., kind of canceling themselves and making jokes that like Jeffrey moving away. But like suddenly I'm moving to Wyoming and getting yaks. Like you chose peace. No, I was happy he had his yaks until he started eating them.

I was like slay with the yaks and then he started fucking eating them. Damn you killed Ronald the yak and now he's jerky. Yeah how are you gonna like it's like if tomorrow is like hey you want a bite of my sandwich it's murder. Like that's horrible. Insane. I want to get a second cat so bad but unfortunately I'm about to leave on a worldwide comedy tour. I'm a comedian. Spread the word. Okay like hours. No.

I'm gonna do stand-up comedy. What do you think? I love... Do you know what's funny? I went to a Trevor Wallace show the other night and I thought this to myself. You went to a Trevor Wallace show without telling me? That is betrayal. That is betrayal. I just told you. Well, I told you on the last episode. Remember I told you? I was like...

i think i i don't know i'm rebranding my head he's in australia now it's fine he's gone literally but no i said that you didn't know i said this i said this roll the clip you said you had a dream about him him and i said i saw him on giggly squad and i have a crush on him no you stole him back no no no no no on that episode roll the clip i told you we'd been texting you said yeah he was also mine first he was never yours and you gave

I made out with him first. You would have kept him. I made out with him first. You gave him to me. I went on a date. Not a date. Made out with him first. Made out with him first. We watched Pawn Stars. Yeah, and I went on a proper date. So maybe he respects you more, but he was still mine first. I can't believe we're fighting over Trevor Wallace right now. I'm like, I'm literally red. No one's ending up with him. Like, what are we saying? I'm not even kidding. I really have had like, I've been like sad about Trevor recently. Yeah.

I feel like he's the one that got away. It's so funny because I kind of like, he's just so funny. Like, I'm realizing I need a funny guy. He is, and I should have appreciated him more. But I left him at a show if it makes you feel any better. I can't believe you secretly, that's how I know you knew you were doing something wrong is you didn't even tell me. Bible? Bible, not at all. Like, I was out drinking with Ari, and then Trevor was like, oh, like, we were already texting. And then he was like, oh, I have a show in 30 minutes. And I was like, oh, I'll pull up. But then I left before he got off stage, and I think he was like, why would you do that? I don't know.

We get a joint custody. We already have joint custody. We've done the same. We've done the same amount of hooking up with him. No. Once you hand him off to me, it's like you can't take him back. It's not fair. That's like if tomorrow I was like, I want the jet guy back.

You could have him back No but not even like Not even ask for him It's like if all of a sudden I was like oh yeah Actually I just hung out With him last night And you were like Wait what the fuck See but we're just weird For sharing men I should have never Let you go on the damn date With Trevor You're right This is not normal Behavior for people At all Trevor call one of us

it's just aaron he's like i'm done with this that was never supposed to be a podcast topic but here we are i miss you trevor call me seriously i don't even have trevor's number so honestly you win no whatever i just dm him even when we went on the date he like dm he dm'd me here i'm like can you text me like be for real been there we have devin lee carlson and billy eilish love that although i did just run into devin and i was shrooming

I was streaming at SZA and I literally thought I saw an angel. I walked out like I was like going to the bathroom by myself and I walked out and I saw Devin and I like I struggle a lot with this not being able to differentiate between like whether I'm a fan of somebody or they're my friend. Yeah. Because like sometimes I just like have I met you or am I just obsessed with you? 100% same. And so I just like I wasn't going to say anything to her but then she's like oh my god you've been my whole for you page. I was like

And I was shrooming so hard that I was like... A literal angel just spoke to me. Yeah, and then I don't even know if I spoke back to her. So the people probably know if you listen to Canceled, you know. Definitely Carlson.

Owner of Wildflower Cases, sister of Sidney Carlson. Fashion icon. Dated Jesse Rutherford, bandmate. Neighborhood. Of the neighborhood. I don't know. Is he the singer? He's the lead singer of the neighborhood. Okay, sorry. Super hot. They dated for like seven years. Eight years, I think. And then they broke up and then he immediately started dating Billie Eilish. I don't know how immediate it was, but he did, yeah. In my head, it was two days, but it was probably literally years. Yeah.

And they started dating And the internet was obviously Kind of up in arms about that Because their age gap And like blah blah blah And Billy was like Oh this man We're together forever Whatever Billy ends up breaking up With Mr. Neighborhood And no one has ever seen Devin Lee Carlson And Billy interact And the other night But they were They were already friends Really They were friends before Billy started dating him So that's why I was like When they started dating I was like oh

I believe that Because Devin's like Such a cool girl Like I feel like I can see her Just being over it And I'm such a Devin Vlog watcher And she'll be like On a plane And she'll be like Listening to Billie Eilish I'm like slaying But so the other night They went out to What I think was A Halloween party Why don't we get Invited to those And I actually have A fun story about The one time I went To Halloween party I saw someone do heroin But Okay

And that's why I'll never be invited back for saying that right now. But the way you said his first like full name. Yeah, maybe. Maybe you believe his name. They went to his party and they were like seen leaving holding hands. Devin and Billy. And that's so girl coded. Like there's just something I love about it is there's no camaraderie like quite like

Like you know When you befriend somebody Who you've dated the same guy Sometimes I don't Like it as much I've made a TikTok About this before But like have you ever Had a girl come up to you And be like Oh my god we both dated Like so and so And they're a weird bitch

About it yeah it will but sometimes Like it depends on how I feel about the situation Like after me and DC ended Or Mr. DC ended I talked about it on the Podcast and I got like probably 60 DMs Of girls being like oh my god same And I wanted to die Well the hey girly of it all and like that It was at the same time of it all is like what like That happened to me with Maude like where Maude was like

Not even just the same time But if I still care about a situation Like I don't want to hear about you hooking up Like I don't want to bond over that But so long as I'm over it Like Alyssa Violet was my therapist for years Like that was like how our friendship like really came about Like there are certain people that like You know like that you can like Yeah no I had like my last relationship I had to reach out to his ex and just be like So what the fuck was that? What happened? That's fair Okay I have a story from Halloweek

Okay. It's about a celebrity. Their brand online is very clean. Like, you know what I mean? They're just, all their fans are like very young and what they do is like, you know, their whole brand is very modest, very clean, like very whatever. Like they probably wouldn't even love to like be seen in some shit with me. Right. Inside of Hollywood, like people who know this person know that they're like the exact opposite of their brand, like bad, like a lot of drugs, like a lot of like really dark shit, like

I'll just always see them at like 9 a.m. at an after party, like doing crazy drugs and like, what are you doing at the party at nine? Probably following Chris miles there. If we're going to, no, but, um, valid. Um,

I've just seen them do some like really dark shit right but then like I'll see them sober and they're really nice like I don't think they're like a bad I think they're a troubled dark person a lot of the time and I think that a lot of people know that but people still love them you know and it's Halloween week and we're playing it's like after a party and a bunch of people and I including this person are playing a game of never have I ever right and I

The weird thing about this person is every year they dress up as the same thing and not online. They're posting online dressed up as, you know what I mean? Normal shit. And then every single year of Halloween week, I see them out dressed in the same costume as the same thing. Can I tell you what it is? What is it? Jeffrey Dahmer. I don't think anyone...

Should dress as Jeffrey Dahmer more than once Pushing it You really like Jeffrey Dahmer Why? Three times Are you paying an homage? Like it No one should dress as Jeffrey Dahmer more than one time That's all I know to say Yeah No one should ever be Like imagine just every year Someone's Ted Bundy Imagine every year I was Charles Manson Like that's weird Every year is weird Every year is so And to like stop Like you're not posting that Like that's just the vibe Low key be that You know

And we're playing Never Have I Ever in a circle of like 15 people. And this person was already saying like weird shit all night, like just very dark, weird shit, you know? And then everyone's playing this very innocent game of, you know, never have I ever done Molly. Me, that's like the most innocent thing ever. Like never have I ever done Molly, never have I ever skydived, never have I ever whatever. And every time it would get around to this person dressed as Jeffrey Dahmer, they would be like,

It's not funny. Never have I ever had thoughts about killing the person that I was in love with. Oh. And then like it go all around again and it'd be like, never have I ever been cheated on. Never have I ever done mushrooms. Never have I ever graduated college. And then it would get back around to him and he'd go, never have I ever killed an animal.

Jeffree Star is like, fuck them yaks.

And it just kept going and eventually the game ended like they didn't physically get to like murder but they got like as close as you could possibly get to murder. Oh he's got a dark mind. I wonder what he's going through. But who does that? Who lets that go through Never Have I Ever dressed as Jeffrey Dahmer? Like who lets that out? I mean him apparently. What the fuck? And just imagine sitting there like as like a bunny. Do you think he has anxiety? Like if I said some shit like that I would be still thinking about it to this day.

Never have I ever killed an animal. Did anyone else put a finger down? No. Me dressed as a bunny scared for my life. Rip. My favorite Halloween costume. I'll tell you what it is. It was that whole group that dressed up as you, Trisha, James. Is that it? And Jeffrey. And Jeffrey.

It was Antonio Garza and friends. It was so good. What I admired about it was like the thought and like effort they put into all the TikToks were crazy. Like the sounds like they had to have made those sounds. As, as, um,

Like driving off in the car Like perfect transition I was like Jesus Christ They did make the sounds They had to have They had to have made the sounds They've never heard the sounds In my life Wait can we find it It's so good The kid who dressed up as Me Did multiple looks Like there was Hefner There was Mugshot It was so good Like all of it It was so And the TikToks Were getting like 15 million views I was like damn Like I'm me Can I get something And

Like, fuck. It was so good. It was so good. I loved Ice Spice's Betty Boop. She was cute as Betty Boop. She was so cute and sexy as Betty Boop. You know, I sent her my party and she was like, should I come? Where is it? Didn't come. I was so excited. I spent the whole night like, Ice.

Like where are you? Can I call you Ice? I loved Northwest as Kanye So good I wish like everyone saying They wish he Or we could see his reaction I really would love to see his reaction Yeah it like made me just feel something I don't know Kim is such a good mom And I know everyone says that But it is like Filming a TikTok where your daughter dresses up As a person you're co-parenting with Yeah That's hard I was just like so in one of those families Where it was like I fucking hate your dad I hope he dies You know But you know Kim's not like that Yeah Again that's crazy Imagine

Imagine your parents never say a bad word about each other in front of you. Yeah, and just like... Yeah, no. Can't. Can't. I don't. I went on Twitter and I asked for costumes we should review.

Let's see if there's anything. Trisha and Mo... I will say Trisha won Halloween. As the idol was so good. Did you see she just dressed up yesterday as Addison Rae? Addison Rae reading that? That's the thing is she loves like a niche meme. One thing about me though, I'm an Addison Rae super fan. She was not reading that book. You can't walk and read. The same people that... There was this girl who posted her like in the ocean reading. I'm like...

That... You can't do that. So the paparazzi that shoots her is my favorite paparazzi in the world. I always talk about this Bobby because he is... He's one of the most talented paparazzis. Like, some of the most iconic shots of all time are Bobby. And...

But his personality, like we became really good friends and he is like so funny, so honest. Like he'd like come and shoot me and he'd like tell me like, guess who just fucking called me? They're so fucking rude. Like look at this person's manager and what they're saying. Like just like an open book and post it all online. Oh yeah, I remember when he ate Kendall the fuck up. Like he will literally be like, he doesn't like Haley and Kendall. So he'll like get paid to like get called to shoot them and then be like, Nepo baby called me again. Like doesn't, like...

Doesn't give a fuck Like calls out everyone He shoots Addison And he only does Set up shots Like he Like he'll occasionally Be outside of a restaurant But it's like Even last time Yeah he's not like Waiting for somebody He's got He's got Every time I see him And he pops me now Like I don't We don't work together In the sense that I call him anymore But like I'll see him out Like I'll be leaving a restaurant And he'll be like Oh let me shoot you Like I'm right here And then he'll tell me Like so and so Called me here tonight Like it's like He only does called shots So that's so funny

To do a Bobby photo Walking reading a book That's iconic I mean she's just I love her The Britney promo Her street style Like everything about her Is so camp I love her Her paparazzi shots Are so young Britney Spears But like You can't walk and read I've never walked Well I've never read Or walked actually so Maybe she can Maybe she's an intellectual Trisha Paytas And Moses S. Travis And Taylor I regret that I didn't do that I wish I made Jeff do that

It would have been funny. Almost instead of Barbie and Ken. It would have just been like a needle in a haystack of a million Taylor and Jeffs. We were the Halloween store Barbie and Ken. Good point. Like at that point, you know what I mean? I want to do a couple's costume maybe next year. Right. Because that's what that was. I ship you and Jeff so hard right now. I told you this before we started, but I don't know why I'm in this era of like I literally, I truly believe you guys are in love and I can't be convinced otherwise. I keep...

getting tagged obviously always in the fan edits of Jeff and I and I go to click on the comments and every single time it's you as a top comment commenting ship I'm like you know us like what do you do one thing about me is when I'm online I'm online like I am not I'm a fan you know what I mean I'm just with the people and you can let me just behave however I want to I ship and I I

I was going to say I appreciate that, but I don't. Why? Well, we almost podcasted about this last time, and then I was like, no, cut that, because it's just such a long, annoying conversation to me, but...

I think it's so mentally damaging to be severely shipped with someone. Yeah. I think God, somebody else talked about this one time, but it's like almost like you start to like look at it and it's like, wait, are we looking at each other that way? Like it makes you like completely reassess your reality with someone. And I, that's how I feel about our relationship. I read the comments and I'm like, shit, do I hate her? But I mean, that's, that's what it is. Exactly. It's like comments can just change your perception, but like,

The shipping shit Like I think fucks with you more Because it's like That's friendship you know Like if they want to comment On our friendship We can I don't know Like just after like The Jake wedding era It's made me so cautious Of like When I notice That the whole internet Ships me with someone Like to not let that affect My relationship with them You know Okay fine No but then I see these edits And I'm like Wait that is a beautiful couple Not even that I'm just like It does It just makes you like Reassess so many conversations And memories And it's like

No, but like the way they edit this shit though, I'm like, they could convince me that I'm like head over heels in love with like Ari. Yeah, that's fair. That is just like the laughs and like the looks at each other in the slow-mo with the songs. I'm like, wait. And it's just, it's just, yeah. And then we'll like feed into, it's just this whole thing to navigate. I'm just saying it wouldn't be the worst. I love Jeff more than life itself. And there's so many like characteristics of him that I do feel like that, like,

Like, oh my God, I love this about him so much, you know? But then there's so many differences in the two of us that I feel like it's like, I don't know if it would ever work, you know? So I enjoy our friendship. That's fair. Yeah. I'm never getting married. I'm still hanging out with Sailor Steve. You were on the boat last night. I wasn't on the boat. He was at my house. And he has, I have been to his house. Like, he has a house and we've been going to the house. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

But do you like him more? He's not homeless, which no biggie. Do you like him more? I don't know. I'm really like my ankles are out and it's making my feet look huge. No, I can't tell how I feel about the situation because it's like I don't not like him, but it's like I just don't I can't see us ever dating. So it's just like, well, it's hard. But I like he's just so hot.

So I'm like, I don't want to stop hanging out with him. And like, I want to fall in love so bad. Me too. Really bad. But I like it needs to be someone like this guy's not someone I can picture like meant like merging into my life in any way. Like I can't picture him like coming to one of our shows or like hanging out with like the friends. I guess you did meet him. But like, yeah, but I get what you're saying. It's like it would have to be these like weird little like.

random instances. It's not like our lives could ever... Yeah, he doesn't easily fit into my life and I don't think he would ever have any interest in that, which I don't like. That is actually such a big part of being in love. I think I've only ever been in love with people where I felt like our lives could... Yeah, well, my last relationship, he didn't want to be around anybody I cared about ever. In fact, if I would go to dinner with you, I would like literally get fucking...

It's ripped apart. Yeah. Yeah. I've only literally ever, ever like fallen in love with people where I feel like. But you're so good at like just immediately being like, OK, yeah, you're going to come to this because it's like I feel like you're running the show. But so I always like just go with whatever they want to do. But so many people come and I'd be like, you suck here. I don't love you. Yeah. You know, like it's like the people who would get along with my friends and I would love their friends and.

I don't know. I've been in love twice in my life. That also sounds like it's like fucking like so much. Maybe three times. I don't know. We're iffy on Monson. But I'm at the point where like I'm scared I'm never going to be in love again the ways that I have. Not the ways that I have been because I guess they were toxic. But like, you know, like will I ever love as hard as I've been in love before? Yes, of course. And you like you always feel that way. I just was watching or reading something about this. I think about like emotional permanence where like

I think it's an ADHD thing actually where you like can't imagine like feeling any differently than you do in the current moment. So like when you're in love, you can't imagine not being in love. Oh, well, I got that. But like in the opposite, like for example, like when I'm like really sad, I can't imagine being happy. And when I'm really happy, I can't imagine not being that happy. But that's like how I think you feel with love. No, with ADHD of anything, it's like your mind's everywhere. I don't know.

I think that's I've also only been in love with people that I felt like as I'm everywhere They're a constant I don't know Chris also just fucked me up dude Like sometimes I just wish I never fell in love with Chris Miles I don't know I think it taught you a lot I think if it weren't him it was gonna be somebody else Like someone else that was so wrong for you Like to teach you the lessons you needed to learn But not even I just think I'll never meet someone that understands me Knows me Gets me Like he does That's as funny as he is You will You will Even to this day Well maybe not as funny as he is You gotta listen

Let's be realistic. And just like the shit I can tell him, like the shit we can talk about. He gives me the best advice anyone's ever given me, which is crazy for a Balenciaga fucking SoundCloud idiot. I know. The public perception of Chris is so different than who Chris actually is. And it's like, I think I'll always wish everyone I date has his personality. Yeah, that's tough.

That's honestly Blessing though You're lucky you have Somebody like that That you can look back on But it's not like What we're gonna go get married Like I can't No but like God I look back And I'm like God I pray to God I never meet a man Like that one ever again But it's so scary To be like I'm never gonna meet Someone with a personality As much as I love yours But that's not

Reasonable That's like Like you know It's just been like Five Four or five years of it now Where I felt that way For four years So I'm just like Fuck will I ever I don't know The other day I was like saying How I don't I don't think I could ever have kids Because there's no way I could love them As much as my cat And I feel like That's like Like Chris is your cat And you're gonna end up Having a kid Yeah

We end on that. Like you're going to end up loving. Like it's. You just don't know yet. I know. It's going to be better. The way we were supposed to be rating celebrity Halloween costumes. Why doesn't Hasbulla dress up? I don't think he has to. Halloween's is like an American thing. Oh, it's Halloween's only an American thing. For the most part. Dixie as the Queen of Hearts was super hot. Dixie is super hot. Dixie's so hot. That's my sister. I'm a D'Amelio. Seriously. Seriously.

Stassi baby and Jaden ate eight eight boots okay whatever fuck it honestly we don't need to do all that it would only be funny with arian pictures on the screen and I'm too lazy to do all that yeah you know what I mean this has been a good episode yeah we got a long one yeah we got a long one in here I'm trying to think I wanted to talk about Sam and Colby's conjuring series have you seen it I don't even know who Sam and Colby are what the fuck okay honestly I

Should we be done with this episode? Yeah, we have to do a whole other one, sister. Honestly, that's so true. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of the Canceled Podcast. When you're done, go watch Sam and Colby's Conjuring series. It changed everything for me. I love them. They're my dream guests right now. Are they the ones who do Escape the Night? No. But they try to escape a night all the time. Can we go on Escape the Night? It's coming back. Let me make a call. We love you guys. We love you guys. Bye, Canceled Podcast.