40: Whitney Cummings Gender Reveal Ep. 40
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Hello and hi gorgeouses. Thanks for having me. We are so excited to have you. You're our dream guest. Welcome back to the cancelled podcast you guys. I'm sweating. I'm a lot of things are happening to me actually. We're gonna get into that but today we have the beautiful iconic legendary Whitney Cummings on the podcast and and and I'm shitting myself and

No, you didn't shit yourself. You shit in the toilet and it all got where it needed to go. Y'all, I just blew up this bathroom next door. You know what? It didn't smell like, I mean, it didn't, there was no effluvium of, it was fine. It just, when I saw it in the toilet bowl. She saw my shit. There were remnants. Whitney Cummings just saw my shit. I just need you to stop swallowing your gum. Yeah.

Or whatever that was. Or all the cum. Something. Fucking something. No more LA guy cum. They're in ketosis and their cum is just too viscous. If they were in ketosis, I'd be in a better place. Dude, I have this analogy, and it's so disgusting to say, but have you ever been with a guy who has cheeseburger cum? And then there's coconut cum. You gotta stop dating David Dobrik. He'll do anything to promote that burger place. Jesus Christ.

You know, there was a shooting at the Dobrik. Or was that a pizza? He has a pizza place. He has a pizza place. Oh, but I'm thinking of... It was just Jeff. But I'm thinking of Mike. Big Mike. Mike's the burger guy. Wait, was there a Mike's?

Do you think it was staged? There was a shooting at the Doberg Pizza place. Oh. Down the street. That I understand. Yeah. It was definitely just Jeff. From that. He's pissed. But Mike is the one that has the burger place, which is supposed to be really good. Yeah, honestly. Everyone's got a fucking food place going. I almost did Tana's Tacos years ago, and I had all my friends try it, and for the next two days, they were like puking and shitting themselves. I was so unwell. Yeah, that means it was a taco.

That means... No, but there were like hot Cheetos in the tacos. It was just not... And I was like, let's scrap this whole project. I'm going to like kill children. It's not okay. It would be our brand.

Speaking of not killing children. Speaking of child, I haven't killed yet because I spent the last month in Texas, so I couldn't. Yeah, such a trip. Thank you for saying that. You guys are being so sweet. You are pregnant. Yeah. I don't know how this happened. It happened completely naturally. I'm convinced it's a vaccine injury. I don't know how this even happened. Like, I got the Johnson & Johnson a year later. I got pregnant. It's like,

It's a nightmare. They absolutely injected you with Johnson and Johnson sperm. Remember, it was like, well, I guess it was like three years ago now. Another thing, I've lost my memory. I remember it was short-term side effects were blood clots. Yeah. Like long-term side effects getting knocked up by some guy from North Carolina. And if you think about it, a baby is just like a big blood clot, right? Like, oh my God, I'm sorry. I guess it kind of is. It's inside of you. I know you're gagging. It's just this wild thing because I didn't, I just was convinced I was barren or something because all the men on Reddit told me that. Same. Oh,

I'm actually saying I had to get off Reddit. I'm on a Reddit rehab situation right now. Absolutely. I was just telling everyone that yesterday. When you do Reddit, do you have it? Wow. That's big. Thank you. But do you thread Reddit so it's only the subjects you want to see? I look on certain subreddits and like only the ones that like talk horribly about us. Every time I go on there to just get some news or an opinion, I end up seeing a live murder. No.

Oh my god, literally. I'm like, how is this business? Literally. I don't know if that's not the Reddit I'm on. Reddit is so fucking dark. It's wild. I use Reddit as my web MD. Like, am I dying? Literally, my last Google search was like, am I dying from mixing Xanax and NyQuil? Reddit. Like, am I dying? Well, you can go in there to find all the men that want to kill you. Absolutely. And they're all fucking there. It's so insane. Reddit terrifies me. I'm like, dude, please don't take this in the wrong way. This is going to hurt. Yeah.

I'm scared of what you're going to say. By the way, you should have a podcast called Please Don't Take This the Wrong Way. Absolutely. It's just you trying to compliment people. I know, I know. I'm obsessed with you. You know this. And I see, like, you've always been an idol of mine. I see a lot of myself in you and the ways that you are. I would take that the wrong way.

That's a huge compliment. I gotta tell you, I'm a really big fan of you. I love what you do. You're so resilient. Like you get down, you get back up. Sometimes when you get down, you're blowing a dude that you shouldn't be blowing. Absolutely every time. But like you're self-aware and I was mad at you because I was listening to one of your episodes recently and you were beating yourself up and you're very hard on yourself. And I do that too. Both of us, yeah.

But you're kind of like, I make all these bad decisions. This is exactly what you're supposed to be doing right now. That's fair. I think it's like when you grow up in the Internet and all that type of stuff, you know, it's like people scrutinize you at such a young age that you think you have to be an adult. And then you look back and you're like, I was fucking 18. No wonder I was a fucking idiot. Yeah, you're just doing it publicly.

Everybody's doing the exact same thing you're doing. They're just not monetizing it. And they're not, you know, so it's like you win. And I understand that. You know what I mean? I'm just cripplingly self-aware and I'm very self-deprecating. But obviously sometimes you take that too far. No, I like that you do it because you're self-aware. But yeah, I think that for me, it's taken me a long time to figure out the difference between being self-aware and just like hurting myself. Yeah. Or this like death by a thousand cuts to my soul. I'm like, wait a second. I kind of like nailed it this week. Like still shouldn't have dated that guy. But like giving yourself a little more credit.

Absolutely. And I tried to. I tried to. But anyways, there was a point to what I was saying. I didn't know if I ever saw you in a world where you would want to be pregnant or be a mom. You know, this is... I worked hard to make sure people thought that. I mean, I've always... Yeah, I was going to say, I think I've...

I talked about it in, I think it was my HBO special a couple years ago, like freezing my eggs. And I very much feel like I did it just to take the pressure off because there's this thing where, and I was listening to guys talk about dating and guys being trashed and stuff like that. And I was kind of like, what is the rush? Why are they so, are you trying to find the person? Do you want to settle down right now? Even if you walked in the door right now, would you be ready? Yeah.

You know what I mean? I probably wouldn't be, I guess. I'm turning 25 and like two days into my head, I'm like, I should be married. Like, it's so bad. I know. And isn't that terrifying? Is it like socially constructed? Is it pressure? Probably socially constructed for sure. I also always just wanted to be like,

Not always, like the last two years, like you're so dramatic, Tana. Like a young mom or a young married, like young, it just sounds so nice. I guess I'm like, I've been out here for so long, I've done it all, like all of this fucking bullshit. Like I just would love to settle down and be so happy. It's tricky because have you heard of Saturn Returns? What happens when you're 28, basically everything in your life kind of changes around 27, 28. Really? Like the person you're with, you'll break up with them.

This is I'm not like a big astrology person or whatever, but you change so much when you're 30. I mean, so much, you know. And so it's like I mean, not to say that you couldn't and not to say that relationships don't last where people met, you know, at a young age. But but yeah, to me, I just like I really pushed back on that like socially constructed timeline. I just was like, why would I marry someone before I know they're a good father?

That's fair. So for me, it's like, you know, this guy was like, I like what's happening here. I like your genetics. I had a baby. I'm having one with the nicest man I've ever met because I was like, I need a father. I wasn't dating guys that were fathers. We are certainly not dating fathers.

At all. I was dating like daddies, but not fathers. Yeah, absolutely. There's a big difference. And I kind of was in the situation where, and one time I was working with this therapist because I talk a lot, you know, my book and like specials and stuff. It's embarrassing. Oh, I know. I dealt with like love addiction stuff. People don't talk about the internal, you know, medicine cabinet. People don't talk about like how people can be addictive, like toxic relationships, like you want to get out and you just like can't. We try to talk about it as much as we can because we suffer from it bad.

Yeah. But it's like being, you know, are you recreating the, you know, your childhood circumstances? Yeah. There's some familiar chemical cocktail. Absolutely. Are you dating someone that has the negative qualities of your primary caretaker? Absolutely. It's just like they call them Christmas trees, you know? Yeah. It's like I could walk in a party and the most like...

you know, narcissistic, sort of like self-obsessed. He might as well be sucking his own dick in the corner. Chain wallet motherfucker. You know what I mean? Dingley earring. Dingley cross earring. One. One sharp tooth. Absolutely. It's always only one dingley earring. Where's the other one? I hate you. I just want to know that. Justice for the second earring. I hate you.

and he lost it in some hooker's pussy. And so I still say hooker. I'm fine with it. Like, come for me. Is hooker a cancelable word? I just, I know that people are like, it's sex worker. I'm like, all sexes work. So, like, I...

Like, what is that? Makes me a sex volunteer? Like, you have to consider how we all have to change what we say when you pick a new term. It's so crazy. Yeah, fuck that. No, I'll always be a Vegas hooker at heart, so... You know what I mean? I don't know about that one. And so it's like, it took me a long time to figure out that, like, just taking a contrary action with a guy and, like, realizing that...

You know, if I was bored, I would conflate boredom with serenity. And I'd be like, if a guy was like nice to me and good to me, I'd be like, I'm bored. Like I need to create some drama. Like I'm not getting the adrenaline I need. So I had to work on that adrenaline addiction shit too. Literally. And I'd be in relationships where, you know, this therapist said to me once, she was like, I was like, I just think, and she was just like watching me

being stuck in like the worst relationship that I was chemically addicted to. Absolutely. And she was like, okay, cut to five years from now. You on a mantle, in a photo, holding a baby. Is he in the photo? And I was like, oh my God, no. I was like, I would never let him near a baby. What, are you insane? And then I was like, uh.

Like, I date these, like, really emotionally dangerous, irresponsible people. Absolutely. I was already a parent before now. I was raising men. Absolutely. I was already parenting men. Did you grow up in, like, a turbulent household? Yeah. Yeah, and I, like, a therapist once said to me, like, if all you've ever known is the house being on fire, you're more comfortable living in the house on fire. Totally. You know? And I was like, oh my fucking God, literally. Because every time I'm in some stable shit, I'm like, this is so boring. And to be fair, I've also been with some boring ass men. Like, seriously, have you ever laughed or made a joke ever? Yeah, there are men who are boring. But there's...

There's you feeling safe, boring, and someone that just like loves you and you don't know what to do with it because it's awkward and uncomfortable and you feel suspicious, whatever. And then there's, you know, there's conflating boredom and serenity. And then there's, yeah, just like boring. Absolutely. Like something bombing. But the dopamine addiction to a toxic relationship is so fucking real. Like the highs and the lows and constantly chasing the high. It took me a long time to realize that. And then I still battle the demons. And at least you're aware of it. How'd you, how'd you?

break it is the question I did a whole year no dating no texting no flirting I'm doing that involuntarily is the problem yeah well but doing it voluntarily if you switch it to that when you realize like how often you use your sexuality to manipulate men or how often you just like flirt fuck yeah

Fuck. It'll get you, dude. And how often you like leave the house and you're like, well, I got to put up. What if I run into my ex? And you're like, what am I doing? Why am I adjusting my tits? Like, why do my bra and underwear match? Why did I contour to go to CBS? Like, why do I think any man cares if my bra and underwear match? This is wild, you know? And so I just found myself like living for male approval and being upset. Even when I was like getting out of a relationship, I was already like,

feeling out new dudes. Marty on Raya. I like that. I feel like I just talked about this how like I do not feel like settled. I feel so like

if I don't have someone to focus on. So it's like, if nobody's there for me to like obsess over, I do not know what to do. Because then you have to be alone with yourself. Yeah. And it's like a straight up addiction. Like what happens to you when you don't have someone to focus on and obsess over? And no one wants to be obsessed over. You know? I mean, you kind of do. It feels good for a second. But if you do it with everybody, it's not because they're special or anything. You just love the feeling of it.

Don't take it personally. And you don't want someone to be doing that to you just because they can't be with themselves either. Yeah. You know what I mean? Dude, it's recently so many people are like, Tana, it would like comments and everything are like, it'd benefit you so much to go on a cleanse for men. And I'm like, but fuck, I'm going to be so...

Like it's, oh my God, I know. And it's like, I know it's coming. It's coming soon. I'm going to have like a long single period. It was really helpful. Like I basically like didn't date, didn't have sex. I mean, I think I masturbated and stuff. Tumblr porn was happening at the time. Oh my God. Which was like, no, rest in peace. Yeah, I know. I missed it. Now it's Reddit. Can I tell you? Oh, I haven't seen Reddit porn. Well, it's just, I think everyone's nudes just go on Reddit. Really? Oh, the murder. Oh yeah. Yeah, you're on murder Reddit. I'm on porn Reddit. Oh my God.

Let's start a business. Seriously. Yeah, so it wasn't like, I don't want to say toxic porn. I have no judgments about porn. It was more tasteful. It was kind of, it wasn't like I'm seeing crazy stuff that was activating me to, desensitizing me to where I needed to act out in any way. It was kind of like black and white, grainy porn.

Yeah. Remember it was on a loop? Yeah. It was always on a loop. Tumblr porn. Tumblr porn was so made for women. Like, if you got on the right threads, you'd find the one. Tumblr in general was made for women in gay men. Dude, 100. Because there would be a long blog entry next to it. And you're more wet from that. I'm like emotionally invested in her. I'm like, oh, I can read all about your trip to Italy? Girl. But there was one...

It was called Italians Do It Better. And it was like just Italians having sex in public in Italy. Like black and white. I'm on my way. It was amazing. We're finding it. I don't know if I was more into the travel element or actually the sex element. And then it seemed like... That gondola is stunning. Yeah.

It was like not distracting whereas most porn I see I'm like that's not assembled properly like that bed doesn't even make sense. I was recently just watching this porn where these people were fucking on this cabin in a train and like they were like you know how train cabins have like bunk beds and they were like she was in like the split across the top bunk See that never has to happen. Ever.

No, and I swear to God, I was just thinking to myself the entire time. I couldn't even get into it. I was like, how the fuck are they doing this? And like, who's next door? That's so crazy. I don't... I get distracted so easy. And then do you ever leave, like, the porn angle and you start thinking about the cameraman? And you're like, what the fuck is he... How is he up there? Is he also in the splits? Like, I...

I always do that. I don't know if it's like the YouTuber in me, but I'm always like, what setting is the camera on? And then Pornhub and all these new ones, they'll go through these phases where, first of all, I think it is so weird that we all jerk off together to the same thing. It's like most popular and everyone's like, what's everyone else? I just want to make sure we're all, it's like a huge orgy. I've never thought about that. It's a global orgy. I've never thought about that. We're all jerking off to her today. Cool. Cool.

so weird to me. I've never fucking thought about that. I'm like, I want to know the least viewed one of the day. That's so smart. And I'm going to be over there. I feel bad for the person who went through all that effort and they're the least viewed one of the day. I know. Pity turns me on. Let me help you. Let me throw you a bone. I want to click on yours like a bunch today. And now that I've like entered the OF world or whatever, I have so many friends that do porn and I'll be going down the timeline and I'm like, I just got coffee with her. I just got coffee

with her I just saw him at the fucking grocery store and then I have to like start over pussy on Sahara Desert again like do you kidding you pussy on Sahara Desert is crazy shit's dry as hell I'm pissed wait that's so weird because yeah I did the OFTV the roast which is like kind of like last time I saw you and I had Angela White on my podcast and I just had Adriana Cechik and I have Riley coming on and I kind of am like

I was like, I need to watch their work before they come on. That's hilarious. But it's a weird thing. Absolutely. Like, do you think you could ever watch one of your friends in a porn? Do you have to tell them? Well, it's like, before I got into this world, like, of course I watched Riley Reid and Lana Rhodes. And then I met them and I'm like, big fan. Can you do butt giggles? I'm trying right now. I don't think I...

I mean, you can squeeze your butthole, but I don't know if there's the same muscle. Like being... Why do you have to look up and to the right when you do it? I'm lying dead in your eyes. I'm like clenching. I didn't want to look you in the eye when I'm squeezing my butthole. Wait, did you just hear my idol? I just have to look at your shit. We're not... I mean, this is... We're falling in love. We are not this close. Like, absolutely agreed. You should not have seen my shit. You're the closest person to me after this. I had an OB once tell me straight up. She was this amazing... I don't know why she's not...

working anymore. But she would, every time I would go in, she would give me some wild advice that I never asked for. She would be like, oh, just FYI, if you're going, I was like, oh, I'm going on a vacation with a guy or something. She'd be like, oh, well, if you're about to have your period and you know it, which it always comes on a vacation, always, always, always for whatever reason. And she goes, just get into a bathtub, put a tampon in, get into a bathtub, soak, pull the tampon out, put a tampon in again, soak in the bathtub, let it butterfly out, take and just keep doing it until there's no blood left.

What the fuck? You can just like get all your period out in one day. And there's also a medication that's a French medication that's not approved over here that can, I don't know if it's spironolactone. It might be. That's a diuretic that I think makes you lose water. I used to take that for my skin. Oh, really? Yeah. They give it, it's like a hormone. They give it to like, Lila was taking it when she was transitioning.

No way. So I don't know. But what is it supposed to? It gets rid of your period in like a day? It stops it. Go ahead. You can take something. I just didn't add for it. Like you can take a pill. If you have like a beach vacation coming up, you can take a pill and it'll delay your period. That's right. That's right. Oh, yes, yes, yes. And I think it's water weight maybe. I'm not sure what it is. I don't know. I'm a doctor. People now are putting like a beauty blender in your vagina and then you can just have sex on your period. Don't do that. Don't do that.

Don't do that. I've seen y'all before. That's a bitch's beauty blender floating around in your purse that just with no bag. And you know I use the same one for my concealer six hours later. Dude, that is 100% where COVID came from. Y'all bitches, beauty blenders. They are doing it for the record. It's not me. Why do you just have a loose beauty blender in your purse? All the porn girls do that apparently. So they put it in. You have sex with the beauty blender. Yeah, because it's like a cosmetic sponge, like the little white triangle ones, I guess. Sure, sure, sure. I'm saying I guess. Like I don't know. I've never done it, but.

I would try it. I would try it, I feel like. Why not? As long as I knew it was safe. Yeah, but then imagine. See, here's the other thing. Are you a tampon girl, a pad girl, or a diva cup girl? A pad girl? A what? A bat girl? No, I'm not a handmaid. A bat? Are women out there still wrapping up dish towels and putting them in their underwear? They are. Sometimes I'm a free bleeder.

Free bleed. I'd rather free bleed than a pad. It's just demeaning to me. I don't know why. There was the stylist, Carla Welch, did these underwear that had. Oh my God, those scare the fuck out of me. A pad in them or something. Are they heavy? You could free bleed in them. I don't know. And then you wash them. I feel like I'd be sagging like a little kid when they like peed their diaper. But otherwise you just want to free bleed?

I mean, I have a theory that like if you if you decide you're not bleeding, you're just not. I do that like three days into the period. I'm like, now we're done. Yeah. And then it's over. And listen, you're with it or you're not with it. OK. If a guy doesn't eat you out, it's I mean, that's bad. Is that what you mean? Or having sex without if a guy doesn't have sex on your period, they're gay. Oh, for sure. And then if they don't eat you out, they're not they're not serious about that protein diet as far as I'm concerned.

Like, you'll drink 19 protein powders a day, but you won't suck my blood? No, literally. Come on. Have you ever met a man who does, like, awful, like, cartel cocaine, and then he's like, won't, like, fuck you on your period, and it's like, nope, you gotta go. You know, it's like, how do you put one thing into your body, but you're afraid of that? Like, you're terrified. I'll blame everyone. You know that about me.

about me. There's a comic, Rich Vaz, he has a funny joke. He goes, I don't mind having sex with a girl on her period. I just pretend like I'm killing her. I love that. I'm like, just pretend like you're murdering me. It's your dream. That's my type. But I had, I was on birth control forever because I used to get these gnarly migraines. Yeah. I'm so glad I went off of it. I feel like now is not the time to be like anti-birth control. It just, for me, it just like made me a little bit crazy. It made me lethargic. I feel like it made me, you know. Oh, I can't imagine. I was on this, the IUD forever and then I went off of it in December or,

And I mean, my period, it was like black tar for like a good month. I don't think a tampon was going to do much. You could go sell that shit in Wilcompton. It was wild, dude. So it took me a second to like get it back and functioning. But yeah, I normally do. Because if I'm performing on stage, I'm like, I have to sew maxi pads into my clothes, into my blazers when I perform so that I don't sweat a lot. Like I'm a stylist. So I use pads for that. But I usually have to use tampons on stage. Yeah.

I was just gonna say, we were talking about the beauty blender, like, taking it out of the puss, and I was like, I'm not that type of person. Like, I'm not going up in there deep and, you know, deep sea diving for, like, so much blood. Remember there was those ones where they still make them that are, are they called OB, where it was just, like, a thing, and it didn't have an applicator. That's what, that's the only thing that's overseas, too. That sounds so scary to me. I don't want anything foreign. Like, I don't know if I can get that out.

And then it's like in your cuticles. No, it's just like... Listen, I'm not like digging around. It's like just a tampon without the applicator. Like you physically... They sell as a string. You just physically... Oh, no, you're right. But some don't. But everywhere overseas, like Australia, I'll never forget the first time I went there and I was like, do you guys have a tampon? And they just hand me this little fucking like gullet. And they're like...

what do you mean? And I'm like, what do you mean? Where's the rest of it? Everywhere overseas, like, they don't have fucking tampons with applicators. Like, when I go, I swear to God, my whole carry-on is just tampons from America. Yeah, yeah, it's a cool thing. Are you doing the Diva Cup? No, that's what I was, no. Okay. The Diva Cup scares the absolute fucking shit out of me. But then everyone who does it is like, so cult Diva Cup. Like, it's like, it's a, it feels like big Megan Fox energy. Oh, yeah. And you know she's giving it to MGK like a fucking tequila shot. Oh,

I mean, no one looks like that without drinking their own period blood. Something's up. If it works, I'll do it. I swear to God. Anything will look like Megan Fox. That's absolutely true. Yeah, I feel like you kind of do. The dysmorphia is so real with y'all. But yeah, every woman I know that has big astrology energy is into the Diva Cup thing. Here's the thing, okay? It's one thing at home, right? You take it out at home. You go over to the sink at home. You dump it out. What happens when you're in a Ralphs?

And there are other women in that bathroom at that sink. And you're fisting yourself. That are bleeding from other places. So many other places. But you walk out with it in your hand. You gotta do it in the sink. Well, you could do it... You dump it in the toilet, but then you're supposed to rinse it in the sink.

Where strangers are fucking there. I feel like that's the least spooky shit that happens in a Ralph's bathroom. I know, I was just gonna say, it's like I'd suck dick in a Ralph's bathroom. What the fuck am I worried about a diva cup, you know? But also, by the way, I mean, period blood isn't like other blood. It's kind of viscous. It's kind of...

I've always said that. It's actually like the percent of actual blood that's in period blood is like 10% or something. Really? I just made that up. It's mostly like lava. It's not just blood. It's mostly just other fluids and a little bit of blood. Oh my god. Yeah. This feels like it needs a Google. But I would like to see someone pour it out. It's like sludge a lot of the times. Because it's a uterine lining. This is where you get... No, this is...

No, this comes out of my own pussy every month. I can't stop thinking about the Diva Cup pour. It has nothing to do with the blood itself. Obviously, that comes out of me. The Diva Cup pour triggers me for some reason. What is your main thing that grosses you out? Honestly, maybe it's just literally imagining someone. You know the list of things that are weirdly embarrassing but that aren't? Yeah. Give me an example. Pulling a suitcase, not on all fours, but on only two wheels. Yeah.

Oh, dude, that is so, dude, I can't even look at you. When I tour with comics and they show up with like that shit, I'm just like, I can't even, this is hard to watch. Absolutely. That's just how I feel the poor. Pulling a suitcase over gravel, you're like, oh. Oh my God, it's so amazing. There are things that, and this is when I think it's important for women to admit when they're sexist, even if it's, because biology is sexist. One time I was madly in love with this guy. Oh.

Madly in love. We were in New York. Oh, God. And you know, like, around, like, I don't know what area, Tribeca or something, there's a cobblestone sort of... And he, like, tripped and fell. Like, it wasn't... It wasn't like a full... It was like he kind of caught it, but I just... My body, like, I just instantly fell out of love with him. It was... It was awful. I just was like, you're not a father. You can't provide for... It was like a...

So next time you have a guy that you, like, are toxic attracted to, just take him, like, downtown. Take him to Ireland or a cobbly place. No, I had a... My ex... Or, like...

twisted his little ankle on the curb. Oh, buddy! It was a little before he twisted it. On the curb. It was your big name. On the curb at the Grove. Oh, buddy. In the Grove Paramedics. Oh! Was it one of those things where they go and, like, bounce up? Or you kind of, like, or did he go down? No, he was down. That's the problem. He sat. He was on the ground. Why do I feel like this was in front of me?

Build-A-Bear. It was outside of the Cheesecake Factory, which is so much worse. I literally was like, get up now. The Grove paramedics had to come. Be a man. Walk out with your one leg. Drag your little limb foot out. And they were wrapping it up, icing it. I swear to God, I was like, get up right now. If my femur was broken, I would be up on my feet because that's so humiliating. He would never leave a tear of his foot amputated. Carry it out with your hands. And that's a me problem.

That's like the equivalent of a man watching you give birth and watching your pussy tear in 12 places. As soon as a guy starts to go down, you've got to get out of there. Get out. For them. I don't think I could ever have anybody watch me give birth.

Are you going to have like a little viewing party? Are you going to have... Are you going to lie to me and get on my OnlyFans? I don't know. I mean, there's this kind of like... A lot of people, women I know, they're like, just do a planned cesarean. I'm like... Like LA, people are just so not... It's either like plan your cesarean or have it in a bathtub. Like there's no in between with people. We're not doing like just...

What the fuck is a cesarean? I'm like, I want... A C-section. Oh, okay. Like, I don't know yet. This is all very new. I didn't know that I was pregnant until almost 11 weeks, which is the biggest dumb whore move of my life. Me, though. Well, you took the pregnancy test. We saw it on your podcast, and it had the little book. Yes, when Matt Reif was on. Yeah. Great. And so I was, like, taking them because I was just, like, feeling weird. I was, like, so lethargic. And I was like, I guess going off birth control. As soon as I went off birth control, I all of a sudden had all this energy. Yeah.

And I felt like almost like a manic, like this renewed sense of like, because when you're on birth control, it tells your body you're pregnant, you know? So you start getting hypervigilant. A really important thing is neither of you are on birth control. Never. Okay. Interesting. Interesting. Because when you're on birth control, you, uh, your olfactory gland, like you smell men differently. So they always say that if you're on birth control and you're in a relationship before you get engaged or married, you should go off birth control for a year and see if it's still a match. Yeah. Cause you'll be all of a sudden not attracted to your partner anymore. Yeah.

It's like maybe like a pheromone thing. I don't know. Yes. Yes. So it's like when you're pregnant, you're going to be attracted to a different type of man than if you're not pregnant. Oh, that's so scary to me. Like, wait, I like bald men. Like, bald men are hot. I'm super into bald. Really? There was a study about it. I haven't tried it. But cradling his little head sounds fun. I'm like a basketball, like, like palming a basketball ball.

Y'all are monsters. I mean, you're kind of monsters. Shining and using it as a mirror? I'm not doing a restaurant, I'm doing my lip glider in there.

There was a... Sing a selfie in it. What was it? It was like a... She's using it as a ring light. Honey, there was a study that was like about men being hotter to women when they're bald more because it's like so against type. Like it's just punk rock to do. Yeah, it's kind of like cunt. Now that I think about it, I fuck Howie Mandel. It's kind of like a woman like buzzing her head. It's very like, wow. Who? What?

Hold on. We just went like so many different directions. I am so interested in both things you're saying. Like when a girl buzzes her head, it's like, wow, like that's amazing. And then they're just like so hot because it's like that's crazy that you went against the norm. Exactly. So maybe like same thing with men. It's like, wow, you don't give a fuck what people think.

But it's like Usually bald is not an option Usually it's like You go bald when you have to It's very like alpha Yeah But like Jason Statham The Rock There was like big bald energy There's some sexy bald people I was just saying I'd fuck Howie Mandel

Okay, see, that's... But I shouldn't say that. We should go back to that. Oh, my God, Howie. I'm about to go on his podcast again. He's about to get a restraining order. He's very germaphobic. He wouldn't go near... No offense. No, she is not dirty. No, I swear to God, the first time I met him, he was like... I feel like normally he's like six feet from people. He was like 12 feet from me. He's in a different room. Abso-fucking-lutely. And I know he hates to cough, and I'm just like... I'm such a smoker, so I cough a lot, like innately, and I was like holding it in, like tears streaming down my face. I was like, he's going to kick me out.

Video it, put it on OnlyFans. Guys love when women cry. They really do. That's a big red flag. No way, though. Wait, you're telling me there is a sector of people on OnlyFans that just would, like, jack off to a video of me crying? I will, I 100%. I could do that kind of OnlyFans. I cry, like, at least three times a day. Oh, my God. Oh, dude, you are sitting on a pot of gold. You are. Holy fuck. Need to step it up. I one time was, like, crying about something to a guy, and I saw him secretly taking pictures. Swear to God.

And I was like, let me see your phone. And he was like, I just want to make sure I never make you feel this way again. So I was going to take these photos to remind myself. And you see, I would have believed him. That's like where I would have been. And that's when I stopped dating actors. That's when it was over. I was like, oh, right. You wear makeup and you win prizes for how good you are at pretending and lying. Oops. Actors do terrify me.

Really? Have you dated actors? No. Like, I kind of avoid them at all costs. I mean, it's like I have actors, friends, you know, but they lie for a living. They're great at lying and people pay them lots of money for how good they are at swindling you. It took me a long time to realize charm is a red flag. It honestly is. Ugh, but I love it. Yeah, but then I love musicians so it's like, get a fucking girl. Oh, God. You might as well do magicians. I don't mind.

I'm musicians. Are you insane? We were just talking about fucking a musician or a magician. The other day, this guy was showing me a card trick and I swear to God, I was wet. That's weird. Oh, by the way, I hope you're talking about credit cards. Could you imagine? Could you imagine like you're fucking a guy? He was like, is this your card? And I was like, want to go upstairs? Didn't even my card. He wasn't even good at it.

I swear to God, this just happened. By the way, where? Were you at the Magic Castle? I might as well have been. I love the Magic Castle. I love the Magic Castle. Did you hear about the one that committed suicide? The magician that was found in the closet? Ta-da. What? I've never been there. It's wild. Maybe I can find a boyfriend there. Wait, you should ask your magician boyfriend. Who's that? He's actually my ex-boyfriend's best friend, so I'm going to help. Who was the magician? My ex-boyfriend's best friend. Okay, is there a new crop of magicians coming?

And he's definitely probably like a drug dealer on the side and just does that shit. Yeah, yeah. Like a community, like the same way like comedians are. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of. Yes. Like they're big. Like they actually have all these like, almost like not a union, but because you're not allowed to...

I'm just picturing them all in a room, just opening up a book and it catches on fire. Do you know that? I wonder if they're competitive about it. I know. The way that comedians are always doing bits with each other, they're always like, and so why is your wife's number in my phone? Because you're not allowed to give each other the secrets away or whatever, so they have all these meetings to like,

make sure that doesn't happen. Like a secret underground. Like I have the biggest dick absolutely ever and I no longer want a magician imagining them all in a room like someone's taking a rabbit out of a hat and shit. Like that's awful. But you know what a stud is? Yeah, why do you have a rabbit in your pocket? That's literally a full life thing. One time, David Blaine is, he's hot. Like chew more glass, daddy. He's so hot but he scared me so bad. One time I swear to, he came, sorry, I'm sorry to cut you off. Please, someone has to. He was at my workplace and I said to somebody, he was so far away from me, he was probably like

300 feet away from me. And I said, I was like, he's kind of sexy. He came over to me literally like 30 minutes later and he goes, I heard what you said.

How did you hear what I said? How the fuck did you hear what I said? I swear to God. But he might not have and just said it and just put you in a spiral. Maybe he just could tell. He could probably see it in my eyes. Well, it's funny too. You said something. Like either way, it's going to make you frazzled. Yeah. It's funny too because like he really probably uses that to his advantage all the time. Like I would. Shit. Like everyone already thinks you're like this supernatural force. Like you could really fucking trip people up with that. Dude, that is so genius. To go up to anyone you're in a world and just be like, I heard what you said. Like everyone's going to freak out. Yeah, absolutely. Well,

Honestly, it wasn't even that crazy now that I think about it. I've been thinking to myself, like, how did he know? Oh, no, no, dude. So I was at an event that he was at. I'm totally fine telling the story. I was at an event that he was at.

I'm fine telling the story. I have umbrella insurance. So I basically am at this like this like it's like a celebrity celebrities hire magicians and whatever and could afford to have him come. Illuminati party. Yeah. I do like sleight of hand magic. It's David Blaine. You're like huh. Yeah. So I did send it. I guess I tweeted something making fun of him like a

Story of my life. I don't know. I don't remember what it was. I never thought I'd run into him. I never thought he'd be like reading my tweet. He came up to me and I was like, hey, what's up? And he was like, I saw that tweet. Oh, shit. And I was like...

oh my god I don't remember what it was but I was like I'm so sorry that was so rude and then I had my phone on me and he was like because I just I want to see some like I want you to eat some bugs let's go I was like how did I screw myself like and then so he was like oh is that the new iPhone and I was like yeah and he grabbed my iPhone and he was like oops and he was like is this a new one and I was like I'm so sorry like I can take the tweet down whatever I was saying and

Then he gave me his phone back and then did some bullshit, whatever. Put like a knife through his neck or something. And then I'm on the ride home and I get a call, David Blaine. And it's like you put his shit, just like by holding it. He held it, I mean, two seconds. I know that when you throw someone off and they're scared and they're in their fight or flight mode,

Everything seems like it's going, like, slower. So I don't know exactly how long he had because I was so distracted. But, like, you never gave him your passcode. It wasn't unlocked. Like, he just, like, did it. I don't know if he, like, bumped, like, something or, like... I feel like there were apps back then where you could just bump your contact really quickly. I don't know what he did. But he called me and then... I mean, he could have got my number from the... I don't know. And then... It wasn't even like he was, like, flirting super hard with me, but he sent me these videos of him training a crow to...

identify cards like crows are like really crazy smart and it was like the hottest thing I'd ever seen I was like this Harry Potter motherfucker like getting crows to pick up cards and like and they picked the right card I'm like you're a magician this crow is smarter than your new boyfriend

Matter of fact, crows are smarter than every man I've ever dated. They're gangsters. Absolutely. I have crows at my house for security. So did you fuck David Blaine? I didn't. Maybe. You tell me. You shut up. What if I just find a video of my phone and I was fucking? Someone needs to, yeah, maybe you did and you didn't know. Someone has to do it just to know what it's like because he's so abnormal just in regular life. I need to know what he's like. Oh, imagine he just looks at you from across the room and goes like, his nose starts bleeding. You're coming six ways. Like, like,

Oh my God. You just start crying. Yeah, absolutely. You actually look like the model that he dated. Do you know Josie Moran? She's got skincare lines now. She's beautiful. She's stunning. I mean, she's like stunning and they dated for a long time. I can't imagine. Who's the other really hot one? Criss Angel?

Oh my God. And remember when Holly Madison finally left Hugh Hefner for, and her like next boyfriend was Chris Angel. Oh my God. She's such an icon. Like, and it was such an upgrade. She moved to Vegas and Chris Angel had a residency and then she got a residency, like two hotels down. And it was like Holly. What was she doing? It was like Holly's peep show. It was like a burlesque show or something. But imagine you finally leave the, imagine being with Hugh Hefner and you're in the Playboy mansion locked behind those fucking gates with the peacocks and the, seems like they all did well. No, it,

Sorry, I'm so toxic. I Googled Josie Moran and then I Googled Josie Moran Young. I just have to admit that I can't live with myself. I mean, not exactly. You know what I mean? Oh my God, thank you.

- Thank you, that's literally the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. - She does this argan oil primer that I love. - It's so good. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's so good. - She's a good one. But yeah, I feel like I didn't really watch those Playboy, they seemed funny and cute, I don't know. - They were, but then it came out later, it wasn't that cute or funny. - Well, I also, I have a whole, I have a couple things on my podcast that are the only reason I feel like I keep doing them is my little, I have a bee in my bonnet about Shirley Temple,

and Marilyn Monroe, you know that Hugh Hefner bought the plot above

above her in the mausoleum so that he could be buried face down so that he would always be on top of Marilyn Monroe, like on top of her. And I'm like, let somebody, I think somebody get her bones out of there. That's so fucking weird. Who fucking does that? And I'm not even like, I feel like Marilyn Monroe, like people just, there's other women that have had things hard too, you know, but it just is like, even in death, like the woman can't catch a break. Yeah, dude. She just like has this fucking dusty ass bones like above her. Like what a bummer. Oh my God.

And he bought it like right away so that he could be buried on top of her. That's so fucking weird. What do you do? Who do you call about that? Like you don't. Is this a Yelp thing? I don't know. How do you prevent that from happening? We need someone like so funny, like a funny ass guy to bury himself on top of Hugh Hefner. Like Jeffrey Stock. Fuck.

I was going to say Burt Kreischer. But Jeffree Star. I don't think he would fit into the locker. Jeffree Star is so fucking awful. Someone that's just like butt fucking him in death because he had them do his body face down. Do you want to be buried? I don't want to be buried. What do you want to be? Cremated. I don't even care, honestly, as long as you don't put me in a hole. I really want my friends to smoke me or snort me. Like a line of me or like you put me. So I wouldn't mind being cremated. It sucks.

Some things you just shouldn't. Yeah, but would you have to test it for fentanyl? Yes. You have to do the testing stress. You shouldn't be able to waterboard that information out of me. Don't tell people that. Have you ever cremated anyone or had to do it?

No. Oh, I don't know. I just had to do it. My mom passed and I... Cremating is not... No one prepares you for... It shows up in a box. Oh my God. Like a FedEx box. Like a two-day prime. It's like when you order counterfeit makeup by accident on Amazon. Absolutely. And it's like wonky packaging. You're like, this isn't MAC. Like pink eye. I opened it and then I was trying to put it in different urns. And there's like... It's not...

It's not just ashes. There's like, I was like, is that a button? Like, I don't, there's little parcels of other things in there. No fucking way. Yeah, it's not. And you don't, it's like crunchy. It's so. It's like when you make a smoothie and you don't blend the fruit all the way and there's chunks and you're drinking it. Did you just compare her mother to a smoothie? Yes, I did put her in the blender to try to get it.

smoother food processor I'm so sorry for your loss we do not apologize we didn't know is it an organ is that I don't know that's crazy it's wild I never knew that it doesn't come out as smooth as you would think it would in the movies you know or maybe it was the place I did it it was in Tarzana so maybe I just should have spent a little more money I don't know I did it at Smoothie King is that weird I had a paid partnership

With Jamba Juice. Instead of, yeah. Can you add a protein boost to my mom, please? People end up doing that. It's also, like, not that much. Well, it's, like, eight pounds, but then when you're... I want to be eight pounds. Yeah, exactly.

I knew she would die being thrilled that she was only eight pounds. But yeah, it's like a weird one. Like how we started. I was born eight pounds. I'm like, I was tiny. I was five pounds. I was so tiny and thin. But then I was in that little fucking toaster oven forever. What? Fuck. Like I wasn't premature or whatever. Wait, are you scared to give birth? Terrified. Yeah. Terrified. I never, I always thought I would adopt. Like if I had a kid, I mean. Same. Well, because I was always like having your own kids. Like isn't it like getting a dog from a breeder?

Like, it's just, there's kids that need homes. Like, I always thought I would adopt. Like, I, although I was very, like, regimented, I was always like, I'm never going to get married before 35. Like, I'll think about it at 35. I'll start even considering that idea. That's how I feel. I'm like, I want to,

Don't sign any contracts with the state of California right now. Honestly, you're changing my mind. I've done a lot of bad deals in my day and I have never seen a worse one than the marriage deal in California. But you can also have a party and get a ring and that kind of stuff without getting the government involved. At least right now. Then you have to get some crazy prenup and that's always kind of awkward. Have you done a will?

No, and I really need to. Because you could also do, why? No, not that I'm going to die soon. I just always think about it. I have big plans this weekend in Vegas. No, I just need to and I haven't because it's so morbid. And like, what if my mind changes, you know? You can change it. What if I have a really good day and I'm like, damn, you can have my Peppa Pig collection. I know, the week before your will, I'm going to be like, doing all kinds of things, bringing you breakfast. But I can't.

But I can totally, can you let me know when you do this? It would be survival, survivor battle of the fittest. Everyone would be waiting on me hand in butt. Like, it'd be bad. It's a good thing to put out there just to let everybody know. But I think that you can do that, which is something that sort of like helps, you know, clarify some of it. But it's kind of a, and I haven't completed it or anything, but it's a kind of like oddly enlightening experience because you get real about like, oh, these are my, who my real friends are. Yeah. Who would I trust with my dog? Like, who would I trust with my, this? Like who, and then I kind of like,

get corny about it. I'm like, I love the idea of leaving a bunch of money to just like the guy at Trader Joe's who's been so nice to me for like six years. Aw, wait. We might do that. I feel like someone, I just saw someone who left all their money to their dog. Well, that's dumb. That's a dumb idiot. That's a dumb idiot. You would do that with your cat. I would and she deserves it. But it's not going to your cat and you know it. Like,

Like, where is it going, though? To whoever takes care of the cat. So then that would have to be your favorite friend. I guess then that would be the person at Trader Joe's who was really nice to me. Yeah, no, the Trader Joe's guy's not getting what my dog would get. But I don't... Like, what does that mean when they're like, Elizabeth Taylor left all her money to her shih tzu? I think it just means that they don't like their kids enough to give it to them. I think it's kind of like a fuck you to everyone who doesn't deserve the money. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Hmm. Yeah, I don't...

Yeah, that is an act of violence. That is an act of emotional violence. Damn, and that's some shit I would absolutely do. Taylor Swift doesn't use a kid. If I just hated my fucking kid, I'm leaving everything to a Peppa Pig stuffed animal.

I feel like I'm going to be left with like debt. Like fuck off. My kid's an asshole. I don't think kids should get a bunch of money. I mean, I think that's like just setting a kid up. Yeah, are you going to have a nepo baby? Because I've seen your house, bitch. You know what? I was walking around there like, oh shit. Like we should probably like. Like the bathroom is in the fifth wing. Okay, Whitney. I mean, when you came over, I had found out. I was telling her like truly two hours before.

And I was like, yeah, I was like running around. Like people had brought all these mushrooms over. I just found out I was pregnant and I was like, oh, my OnlyFans career is about to start. I just found out I'm pregnant. Like this is over for me. But I don't know. I don't plan on, I would rather all my money kind of be spent.

By the time I die My goal would be By the time I'm like 60, 70, 80 That I spend all my money And die with like $10 Yeah honestly I feel the same way Entirely Unless there's people I really want to leave it to But I mean while you're alive Like with your kid Like are you gonna Like you know 16th birthday Are they getting a Maserati Or a Hooptie No no no no no

they're getting a new pair of shoes to walk their ass to whatever school they pay for themselves. I'm a Southern bitch when it comes to like, I'll pinch a kid, dude. I'll pinch someone else's kid. Absolutely. If your kid is acting up in the grocery store, like I just, I feel like there's an epidemic of people who need to get knocked out more.

I've always said you could just completely tell the difference between someone who's never been punched in the face or told to shut the fuck up and people who have. Correct. So I think Mike Tyson said it. Mike Tyson was like, the biggest problem with today is people can talk shit without getting punched in the face. Absolutely. And he'd be the one to say it. Can I tell you, back to my favorite word, my mom, I grew up, I'll call it calm, addiction, all kinds of stuff. A lot of like neglect. I was alone a lot. Us too.

Yeah, yeah, of course. Same, same. I know, I'm like, at this point. She's like, no, you too? Yeah, I know. I was just gonna say, you guys, where are you from? Arizona. Oh, where? Phoenix. Okay, nice. I didn't know that. I'm there. Okay, I love it there. And so, I remember my mom, she was always running around, divorced, crushed her, like crushed her. Like, there's nothing worse than watching your mom, like, cry.

Like, she was very emotional, a lot of things. And she was, like, dating new guys. And, I mean, dating, it's so weird when you see your parents through as being an adult. Yeah. And you're just kind of like, as a kid, you're like, get your shit together. Yeah. And you're like, oh, you were kind of just like a hot mess. That's so weird to think because you were, like, responsible for my survival. Yeah. It's mind-blowing. And so she started dating new guys. And I was like, my sister and I were running around on the street being...

Nightmares, what else would we do given the circumstances? And I stole some money from her purse. And she was like, did you steal money from her purse or whatever? And I was like, well, you're going to make it back because you're a fucking hooker. I was like 11 when I said this to her face. And she smacked me so hard. I hit a wall and went down. And I remember as I was going down, I literally thought to myself, I was like, thank God.

Like, thank God she finally stood up to thank God she finally parented me. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, you know, structure. They want like smacked you right into a comedy. And I'm going to open mics. But also I see these these parents that want to be friends with their kids. I'm like, this isn't your friend. Yeah. There needs to be some authority.

And the gentle parenting of it all. Like, I'm weirdly on gentle parenting TikTok. I think it's because I just can't stop watching the whole video in, like, awe. Like, you know what I mean? Like, there are kids, like, throwing a toy across the plane and, like, well, how do you feel today, Echo? Don't fucking do that. What?

- Yeah, but why does your kid have toys on the plane? Why does your kid have so much shit? Why does your kid have so much shit from China in here? There's a great book called "Hunt, Gather, Parent" which actually reading it regardless helps even if you're not having a kid. They're just gonna do what you do. Your kid is just a reflection of you. So if you're throwing shit around the house when you get mad and if you don't have self control,

where else are they going to get it? Yeah. Except from just watching what you do. And also like letting them, a big thing is like not telling them to do chores like at a very early age because they want to do what you do. You know when you see kids wanting to do things their parents do? Yeah, little kids are like trying to sweep the floor. Yeah, exactly. And parents are like, no, no, you go up

play I'll do this that teaches them like oh that's not my job it's my job to play yeah and it's like even if it makes a bigger mess you're supposed to just like let them do whatever you're doing like let them help so that it just becomes second nature you're such a good mom I'm so excited for you that's so wild you are though you're gonna have like I feel like you're gonna have a hundred kids oh my I want it honestly I'm so because then they're gonna watch each other fuck also I feel like not watch each other fuck watch each other comma fuck

- That is a, I feel like-- - Just had to clarify that one. - Punctuation is key. - Incest is big on pornhub these days. - It's weird-- - It's the biggest thing. - Porn will restore-- - I'm paranoid of porn. - It will restore hope in my heart one day and then it will shatter me the next day. So one day you're like, MILF porn is number one and you're like,

Men want to watch women with stretch marks and, you know, hemorrhoids and vagina and anus being the same hole with dark nipples. Milk porn, like it's so, that's encouraging. It's big. And then the next day it'll just be like teenage incest. You're like, oh God, we're back. Oh God.

Oh God, we're back. Like baby doll fucking. Oh no. It's so awful. It is so fucking awful. Did you guys have fun at my house? Did you get like, because I feel like there were people there that maybe, uh oh. No, oh no, no, no. Continue, continue. I had the best time ever. She was sober at the time. So I drank for both of us.

I had the time of my fucking... Your house is like Disneyland. Guys, I just want to let you know, we show up to her house. We walk in. I think it's you sitting there. I walk in. I'm like, oh my God, Whitney. It's just a life-size doll of her sitting there to greet you. Two feet later, people are throwing axes, axe throwing. People are riding a bull. There's a petting zoo, bitch. There's ponies. Why do you have a petting zoo? Like, it just...

Absolutely the most incredible, beautiful house. And I had so much fun. Can we make sure they know what the life-size doll of me is so I don't just seem like a malignant narcissist? I don't know, but she's got a lazy eye. Dude, her pussy's lazy too. But her tits are huge. Yeah, this is a sex robot that I got made for my fourth special. What? I didn't know this. Yeah, so it's a functioning sex robot. What? And it moves, it talks. Has anyone fucked it?

No one's fucked it, but Chelsea Lynn was the first to finger it. And I think Adriana Cechik was at my house the other day, and I think she touched it a little bit. But no one's actually had sex with it yet. You need to let your man have sex with it and then hit the reviews. It's very cumbersome. I mean, it's hard to move around. That's the main thing about the sex robots right now. That's literally me in life. I was going to say.

I'm way harder to move around as a bottom. My performance in bed. Why do I feel like that's not true? No, it's true. Really? I say it to be funny, but it's also like, that's my... I like it down there. The guy that I'm into... The guy that I'm into? Baby, you're pregnant.

That was bad. But that's going to be me. Everyone makes fun of me that I'm going to be at the altar like, I mean, I guess forever. I think I do. But I think that's more normal than being like, this is the only one. This is my soulmate. That's toxic and weird. For sure. For today, I'm so into you. Let's take this one day at a time. Let's see. I love you so much. I wanted to squeeze your little fucking hand around. I love you. I just am like, I'm

not I don't know dude every day I get I reserve the right to change my mind I don't know what to tell you pop the fuck off and that's like so settling I feel like because then it's like you feel like you could get out anytime so it's like not that you would need to but it's like that's why you can stay in it because you feel like you can breathe yeah and you don't feel suffocated it's taken me so long to take pressure off of things it's my nature to put pressure on things I need to be the best at this I need this to be perfect I need this relationship to be perfect like no would you want someone putting that pressure on you

You haven't called me. I've been staring at the phone. You haven't texted me back in 20 minutes. Like we do that to other people. We wouldn't want that done to us. So for me, if I'm going to go, this is my man forever, he's going to annoy the fuck out of me. But if I just go, this is my man for now, I'm like, love this guy. You know? So it's like, I feel like that one day at a time, at least for me, approach is why it could last for a long time. But I'm like, I don't know you, man. Like you're with someone for two years. You're like, I don't know you.

So true. You know, I know the person you pretended to be for the first six months. So valid. And then we all, I hope you keep growing and changing. So I don't know who you're going to be in six months. I don't know who I'm going to be in six months. That's so valid. That's the problem with people who get like married and stuff young. It's like if I married somebody two years ago, I don't like the version of myself that I was two years ago. I'm like disturbed by.

Yeah, because then we're like, that guy was such an asshole. It's like, but who was I at the time, too? I was kind of suffocating. I was the fridge attracting, like, asshole magnets. Like, I was being awful. Yeah, so it's like we were just two assholes in the wind. Like, who cares? We did a whoopsie. Two assholes in the wind. I call it, like, a whoopsie. Like, we just did a whoopsie. You know? I've done some major whoopsies. It's just, what's wrong with that? So many things. I love a good whoopsie, though. But you're really making me feel better. I feel like I'm going to call you, like,

please. And then when someone comes along, who's like, great, you'll actually have someone to compare them to, you know? And they'll be fine with me being just stationary in the bed. I'm

I'm transitioning into my stationary in bed era. It's just like, why? I did it the other night for like the first time ever. Normally I'm like a Cirque du Soleil act and I have so much fun doing it. I will put some work in if he deserves it. Yeah, no, but I had so much fun. But they never do. I gotta tell you, there's something, I find it very hot when something is like very traditional. I know that is like, whatever, a bad feminist, come at me, fine. But I'm

I'm so alpha in my work life that in my relationships, I like to be very beta. I like to be like big, mad, mad energy. And this dude, like a couple, and I think part of the reason I got pregnant is one of the first guys I really was able to have like wild orgasms with because that's what actually helps you get pregnant.

I'm good to go. We don't need birth control. And you can't get up and... If you get up and leave right away after sex, it's going to... I would have to lie there. His kink is making you have an orgasm. I love that. Best type of man. Which is North Carolina. I don't know what to tell you. It's a backwood hillbilly. I love North Carolina, though. I love hillbillies. And by the way, also, I think people have this...

I don't know, bullshit judgment about gamers. Like gamers. He's a gamer. He's a nerd. He's like a school shooter. He did shoot up the club, but he's a gamer. I just said that to someone the other day. I said, shoot up my club. That's, by the way, when you're friends with comedians, literally when I announced today I was pregnant, 90% of like, who shot up the club? I'm like, Jesus, guys. You're 60. And I'm like, what are we doing? But there is also this, he is very into gaming. There's this like,

You're training to have valor. It's like these Star Wars nerds and these Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings guys. What are the other ones?

Vikings I don't know I just like They cause they look Utterly Vacant expressions Like I lost them Like at Video games Like what are the ones Where they're in Ireland Black Ops 3 Call of Duty Super Mario World Wii Fit I don't fucking know Nintendo But like Tekken And Shit What are Help I saw my

Shit. I don't believe you. Um, there's another one. Uh,

I don't know, but it's all about like valor and like getting the girl and protecting the princess in the castle. And he like, it's kind of training you for that. You know, little fingers are going wild. Yeah. Shit. That's carpal tunnel. And I remember like, like when we first hooked up, like I was kind of like, Oh, let me pull out all the stops. You know, this is the beginning. This is where I'm going to, you know, and I remember like trying to get on top of him and he just like rolled me back. Oh, like it just was like a full roll. I was like,

I was like, what?

And then every time flash at all. And he wasn't even like, it was just so fast. I was like, okay. And then I was like, I'll try again in a minute. And then I like tried to get back and he just took my shoulders and like put me back down. And I just was like, what does he do? Like, this is how I, you know, they're out there. And he was just like, and then I was like, okay, maybe I don't, I don't know. Maybe the lighting is weird. Maybe that's bad anyway. And then I went down. This is so embarrassing. I am so excited. He,

I was like, okay. And he was just doing such a great job. I was just so proud of him and proud of myself for allowing this to happen. He...

We're like on the edge of the bed and I was like, oh, let me... I'll go down on him. Like, let me just, you know... Is it the baby now that you're trying to send to yourself? No, you know what? I heard that YouTube gets like... Shit gets taken down if you... No, I don't give a fuck. You're Whitney Cummings. I don't know what to tell you, you know? And so then I go down and he literally comes down with me. He was like, oh, no, no, no, no. Like, it was almost like, oh, honey, like, don't... Like, I don't... Like, don't do... Like...

have some self respect this actually just happened to me I swear to god like this guy was like no it's all about you I don't care

And I was like, but I'm so fucking good at sucking dick. I just want to show you. I'm so talented. Please. But he probably doesn't want to come fast either. Cause like, you'll probably, you know, and then, and then fine. And then I was like, what is happening? Like, he's like, I just want to fuck you. Like stop being the top, stopping the man, you know? And then one time I was able to go like, okay, like let me suck his dick today.

This is so bad. I literally, you know, you go, like, you just go to gag on it to get some spit. Absolutely. And he just went, um, I'm actually not into women hurting themselves. What?

And that would be a hard battle for me. I don't want to hurt myself. Because he was just like, I just am not into hurting women. That's just not my thing. What a sweet boy. That is so, I'm like, that is so. What a sweet guy. He was like horrified. Because I was just like, tears. And he was just like, um. That's okay. He looked like

It looked like he just witnessed a horrible crime. Like, he just was like, he's like, I'm just not into that. I don't want to tell you. No way. That gives me so much hope in humanity. I would have to stop fucking and sit down and like have a six hour conversation. It's like, dead ass. And it made me so insecure because I was like, well, these are all the moves that I do that make me

You probably had to rethink everything. Yeah. And then I felt like, I was like, oh, now I have to like focus and be present and come because that's what he's into. And I like, I never put that first for myself, you know? Yeah. And it was just like, it was, it's mind blowing. Yeah. Wait, how cool that your last name is literally Cummings.

It's awesome. And now I'm great. It's like, you know when people have just like convenient last names like Alicia Keys? Oh yeah, that's so good and quick for you. JP Sacks. Like, wow. But it's also, you know that your last name apparently is what your ancestors used to do for a living. So it was like Taylor. They were Taylors. Like Tanner. Tanner. Like what the fuck were my ancestors doing? Yeah.

Oh my god. Yeah. It's from Pigeonborn Hub. Yeah, because also naming a kid, you have to like get into all of like what it means. There's so few names that go with Cummings. Oh my god, have you started thinking about names? I've been trying, but it's kind of hard. Do you know gender? I feel like you're going to be funny with your name. This is LA. The baby will tell me what gender it is.

That's so true. Are there genders? I don't know. I do know the gender, but I don't. Should I say it? No, you don't. Well, you don't have to. Yes, you should say it. Yeah, it's a boy. I knew it. How did you know? I knew it. I was in the shower today and I go, Whitney's a boy mom. I can tell. You are such a boy mom. Oh, my God. You are such a boy mom. Oh, my God. This is crazy for allowing us to have this. I know. It's fine. It's okay. Are you sure?

Are you sure? You can sue later. No, no, no. Seriously. No, I honestly like. I passed her like a check under the table. I'm so excited. I knew it. I just knew it. I hate myself for when I found out about it because she texted me because I missed her call. And we were both sitting waiting and we were waiting, waiting. And it said boy. And I was like, yeah. Like I, we have it on video of me being so excited. I was like, okay, I need to look into that. What was that?

But I think I just like I was so worried if it was a girl that I was like going to project my shit onto her. I don't know. And like, yeah, no, I would have been good with a girl, too. But I just for some reason I see you with a boy. I do think there's something about and this is not science at all. But I see that like like also a podcast. Yeah. Not science. Like hear me out that a lot of guys I know that have been really.

that are like womanizers. Not that there's anything wrong with that. You know, if it's consensual and it's like whatever, like sleep with as many girls as you want to. Like, I don't think that's going to make your life better. I think like, I see these guys are like addicted to porn and just like putting up numbers for sport and they're miserable and they're anxious because I think that like after all the sexual harassment stuff, there's always like, okay, I slept with this. Like what are the chances one of these girls isn't going to like,

you know, need a retirement plan or like the paranoia that sets in and just like the, it didn't work. Like I see these guys in their forties that like put up all these numbers and they're just like, like lonely and unsatisfied and like desensitized, you know? So anyway, where am I going with this? We love you, Mike and your burgers. Um, I love Mike's. I love, he was at, I love that guy. I love him. Yeah. Um, I mean, I haven't dated him, so I don't know, but, um, I, I,

Like that's the be all end all tan of you've literally dated people who look like coloring books. Like continue. Sorry.

Like the school desk. Like the face tattoos. Little doodles all over his face. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh. I love face tattoos. What's wrong with a face tattoo? It's someone that you're not afraid of commitment. I guess that's true. If someone with a face tattoo doesn't commit to you, that's bad. Good God. Next time anyone shits on me for gravitating towards face tattoos, that is all I'll ever say. I didn't mean to tell you. He's not afraid of commitment. Yeah. I mean, that is like no red flags there. I feel like there's got to be an easier way. Okay.

I mean, he's probably got deadness, but, like, you know, all comes clean in the wash. I don't even remember what I was talking about. Wait, we're talking about why you were happy it was a boy. Oh, I...

I just, I guess I just, I don't, oh, I think that a lot of my guy friends that like put up all these, they're getting girls. Mm-hmm. Like three girls in a row. And then they have to protect the girls. This is karma. This is so karmic. Yeah. That you now have to have a daughter. Yeah. And then I see like women that kind of have a little more, I'm kind of more of like, I have some masculine energy, tend to have boys. Yeah. I don't know. It's interesting. It is true. I just think you are going to be such a good fucking boy mom for sure. Dude, the craziest part about it, maybe, I don't know, is that right when, uh,

I started dating a girl too. Wait. And then just when I was like, I think I'm gay. And then I was like, shit, I'm pregnant. Yeah.

Not gay, but just like, you are me, though. That would happen to me. That would just so happen to me. Having to tell the girl you're dating you're pregnant is a raw phone call. Crazy. So what happens? It's, you know... Like, were you in... So many questions. Trust me, I don't have any answers. Me. So the guy that... Your baby daddy. You guys were not exclusive. He loves Star Wars. We call him Lord Vader. Lord Vader. And were you guys...

My mom had just died. A lot was going on. I didn't know him that well. So I was like, this whole thing of, we just met, we're together. I was like, I can't do that anymore. I can't overdose on people anymore. I know how that ends. Let's just pace this out. Even if you are the guy. So you're kind of dating other people. This whole thing where you're exclusive right away. My thing is that if you meet someone that you are obsessed with, you're like, keep dating other people. Just keep doing it, even if it's just for practice. We were just saying that. Keep it open. Keep it open.

You never know. Don't hurt anybody. Don't sleep with anyone just for no reason or whatever. But like, if just keep texting other people, just like take the pressure off, you know, have something to compare it to. Like, don't put all your eggs in one. So I was just kind of like, I really like you. I also have a crush on this other person. Like, I'm not ready to make a decision yet. Yeah. And I just, I was premature. Yeah. I'm big on now. I don't know yet. Are you still going to date the girl? No, I don't think so. Well,

I don't think so. You know I'd be the type of girl to date a pregnant woman. Honestly, what are you doing later? The dating women, it's a lot of voice memos. It's so many voice memos. It's a lot of eight minute voice memos. And if it stops, you have to go all the way back to the beginning. Until they fix that, I can't date women. Wait, no, they did. They just fixed it. Yeah. Can you unsend a text yet? Until you can unsend a text, I can't date women. Yeah, you can't. Really? But it says...

Someone unsent the text. I need all these updates. That's even worse than the text. Yeah, it is, but... I have such a fear of changing. I just can't update my phone. Like, I have none of these updates. I have the updates. Like, I need them. I love it. You're still just saying ducking out there. Yeah, absolutely. Like, why? Like, get the update, you freak bitch. Every time there is an update, things do go a little sideways, though. And that's kind of like in my life, honestly. You know what I mean? Totally understandable. I feel like your life is going...

Well, no, that was a graph. That was a graph that was going up and just it has little sideways. It was the guy on the gravel with the suit. Ultimately going up. Absolutely. I think it is, honestly. Someone was asking me this like the other day. They were like, you know, like, do you feel like everything is a success for you now? And I was like, I don't want it that way. Like, I think you need failures to humble you and teach you things and little divots in the graph to like...

become a better person. If you're just like this, you're going to be an awful raging... When Kevin Hart, when that Oscars thing happened, we were like, oh, I love this guy. Thank God. You know what I mean? It was just like, win, win, win. And then he turned that, you know, speed bump into a win, of course. But it's like...

I just think that people respond more to people's humanity. - Absolutely. - You know? And for lack of a better word, they're not imperfections, but most people are just like, "Why am I watching a perfect person be perfect all the time?" - 100%. - It's just like boring, you know? - My favorite people are the people that like fuck up. It took me a while to learn that. Like during the first couple scandals and little divots, I was like, this is-- - Why would it be a fuck up if you only knew not to do it because you did it in the first-- How do you learn from mistakes if you don't make mistakes? - 100%. - You know? - Yeah. - That's what drove me insane about that girl that was the editor of Vogue

who are Teen Vogue and then she got fired because she sent some tweets when she was like 16. Yeah, we all sent some dump. We all sent dump. Oh, I would be. We all would be. And then the women that worked under her like, you know, colluded to fire her and it's like, who better to run Teen Vogue than someone that made that mistake? Yeah, right. So then they can give people advice. You know, it just like drives me nuts when someone's just like out because they made a mistake. But like, you're just like, I think it's what makes you more and more endearing. What's your main kryptonite with a guy? Like, what's your main like, I can't get V-necks.

Oh, I think we have to... Well, I don't know. I don't know what it is. He just keeps pointing to a screen, sort of... You have, like, ten minutes left.

I like that you have like a hard out. No, we never do. Honestly, do you know that we've never, ever, ever shot this podcast in a studio? Like we either shot in our own studio, we'd shoot for my house, but I'm moving right now and I could not. She was like, Whitney cannot see the house in this state. Like we just moved in. I swear to God, there's like fucking cardboard cutouts hanging from the ceiling and like fucking shit all over the floor. I had Pierce Hilton in my house during the pandemic when it was under construction. It was a nightmare. I regret it every day of my life.

That's what I'm saying. I would regret it every day for the rest of my life if you walked in and the first thing you saw was my box full of Peppa Pig shit. And I have to stop referencing her, seriously. What is that? I'll give you stuff for your kid. I'll teach you. Wait, no. It's a boy. Well, actually, boys can like Peppa. Boys can like Peppa. Look, yeah. Get progressive. Oh, my God. I'm so excited. I'm shocked you don't have pigs. I have pigs. I'm shocked you don't have pigs. I would love a pig. But they get really big, right? Yeah, they get huge. And that's... Remember...

in LA when everyone was like I have a teacup pig and then like a year later everyone was getting rid of their big pigs shout out Logan Paul yeah that's when I first met Logan Paul actually because I was rescuing pigs from that thing and I got a bunch of them and it fucks up their legs and they get all sick and whatever but yeah there's no such thing as a three pound pig

At all. At all. But I think everyone, it was like a trend and then everyone had these big pigs and had to figure it out. I still know a couple of people who kept the pigs and have their, like Ricky Dillon still has his big pig. They're awesome. They're so emotional. Ariana Grande has a pig. Who? Ariana Grande. Oh yeah. Yeah. Do you know the same? No. I thought you did. I thought I did too. I started it and then I forgot. It's like Pig Davidson. Can I tell, real quick.

Remember when he was dating all these hot, famous women and everyone was like, "He's got a big dick. He's got such a fat dick." Have you seen it? No, I've never seen it. I thought that's where you were going. I was really excited. I'm not trying to do... Imagine if it was the other way. Imagine if people were like, "Tana's got a tiny pussy." And all these famous men were just dating. That would be so weird. That is so crazy. It is so fucking weird. The way that it's normalized to say who's hung like a horse and who's not. Yeah, but then we also do it. I know.

Should we stop? That's not always better. No, I should stop that. No, it isn't. Like, oh great, I'm gonna go get a UTI from this fucking guy. Yeah, but I just think it's weird when women do predatory shit like that. And we're like, yes, girl, go. I think I did it on this fucking podcast. I need to stop. Yeah, we should stop. You didn't do that. You didn't do that at all. This was like...

like many women that were like he has a big deck and then it was just like they were all just like fucking him it was like his dad died in 9-11 guys give him a this is a lot god love him you know honestly that doesn't stop that is true or not I don't know I just thought it was wild I just thought it was wild we're like Jon Hamm has a big deck and we're just like showing pictures of it's like it's not tits it's not like this is if someone's like look how tiny Emma Stone's pussy is look at her bathing suit what are you doing when you put it that way I know

Oh my God. Let's make a pact right now. No. Or dick talk. There's no, there's nothing. No. Not because you're condemning us. I'm in agreeance with you. But you just, you just get like. That was like a humbling. I just think this is why men kill us. Like we need a big dick. Like dick, give me that dick.

Men are trash. You know that Ted Bundy did this interview right before he died. I saw it on my TikTok the other day where he was accrediting like so much of his objectification to women and killing them to his addiction to porn and was saying that all of the like serial killers like in his like where he was at like in so many people he like apparently knew apparently they have like somewhere they meet. I don't know. Like the magicians.

Like, we're accrediting it to, like, their obsession with porn. But back then it was, like, magazines. Yeah, I don't know. And maybe he just made that shit up and it was his last scapegoat. Is that why he fucked them when they died? Because he wanted them to be still like they were in the magazine? Yeah, like, I don't know. Oh, my God. It's like, I just want to... I'm your girl. There was... Who was it? There's a comic named...

Ted Bundy would fuck you awake and wouldn't know the difference. And you would be like, he's so sweet with his little nice collection. It's like he didn't mean to fucking slit my throat. Those are your last words. I think that's a good thing. I don't know. There's also this thing where like, I mean, a lot of women were like obsessed. It is weird that he gets a new documentary every year.

Like he's still Yeah like we have it Run out of Ted Bundy facts Yeah Absolutely David is gonna be Playing him next It's also cause it was Like handsome He was handsome But what he would do Is he would Like charm you Like he would Like charm you He would put on a fake cast And be like oh can you Help me to my car There's a great book Called The Gift of Fear Which you guys have to read If you haven't read it Oh my god I will Right now It's all about like I need to read it Because I have blind trust In everybody I would like

fully like go inside someone's band. Getting the Love You Want, read that, horrible name, great book. I'm so paranoid though that I really wouldn't. Like I'd be like, fuck you and your cast. Yeah, she's really good about that. She won't get in an Uber by herself. That's fine. But you've probably had some bad, terrible experiences that's made me just so paranoid towards the whole fucking world. But I think All Men Are Murderers, like,

Until I get to know you. They are. And tough, rude, and innocent. Literally 100%. I saw this TikTok that was like, men should all have to start in jail and earn their way out. Like, that's... I couldn't agree more. Like, oh my God. I feel like you earned that, honestly, though. Do you have dogs or just pipas? You don't have any dogs? I don't have any dogs because I can't... Why do the hottest...

Women I know not have dogs at their house for security. Because I'm just never, ever home. I'll pick a security guard at the house over a dog for now. That's fine. They sleep 20 hours a day. You can have someone, like... I just want to be a good dog parent. And I love my team so much. Like, I might as well be Paige's dog already. Okay. Like, she doesn't need to have me being like, oh my God, like, like, Smoochie just shit out everywhere. Can you help me figure it out, Paige, please? You'll train it. You're not... I was saying.

One day. Some people shouldn't be parents. I think it'll be my good prep for a kid, like, one day. And when I have the time, when I'm home, like, we're about to go on tour, all that type of shit. Okay, because y'all are touring. I wanted to talk to you so much about, can we extend here like an Airbnb? Oh, like an Airbnb. Which one of you is the one?

See and imagine I had a dog pages The money person Oh Like we have to rent this place out I have such bad misophonia I know I'm like My ADD is so low Oh I'm in a misophonia Support group on Facebook Really Yeah

So you have misophonia? Yeah, well, I have like certain random triggers. Like some things don't bother me, but like... It's wild that your own nails don't bother you. I know. Well, that's why I did that. Yeah. But like my nails bother... We went to a comedy show recently and I swear to God, this girl was like the whole time... But it wasn't that bad. It was the misophonia acting up. No. It was just stunning.

Well, what comedy show were you texting during? All of them. Go to a funnier show. Who was on stage where I was really... Pauly Shore was on stage and I was like, you know what? I'm going to text my fucking manager back right now. Like, come on. Like, he wasn't... He was...

He was not. Okay, don't be mean. He's an icon. He's an icon. But if you didn't know him from him being super famous, like I can. Yeah. No, no, no. He's totally an icon. I know he was funny or not because he was texting the whole time. Oh, wow. No, there was just a couple. There was just a couple jokes. And I was like,

Where, where, where? You at the Comedy Store? Um, where were we? Why don't you text me and ask me what, were you seeing a friend? But we were at the store. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We ended up seeing Andrew Santino. Is that his name? Yeah, yeah. He's my buddy. Yeah, he was on Dave. Yeah. And I didn't know he did stand-up until that night. And he was so fucking funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's great. He was incredible. Do you know that, should we just break this story now? Uh-oh. Because it's bad. Yeah, like we, yeah. We went with this guy. And I've always thought this guy was like a very...

very perfect, well-rounded guy for a musician. But he's like a hottie. Just like, you know. He's a great guy overall. And I'd always said this about him. I was like, there's something about him that's never given me an ick. Cool, collected. That's never given me anything. Something about him where you've never...

I'd never seen him fall on cobblestone and it bothered me. He could have probably fallen on cobblestone and I would have been like, that's endearing. But you're dating? No, no, no, no. Okay. But just this, this is my headspace, okay? And we sit down at the comedy show. Oh no. And I find out that this man that I've known for a while, that I have always thought, you know, great guy, whatever. I find out he's a motherfucking heckler. He's a dick. And true, we were sick. And true.

And may I say, a lot of times, entertainers, when they go see entertainers, they can't handle it. And I... Like, whenever... Oh, like, he needed, like, whenever famous... I should turn his way or something. When famous musicians come and see stand-up, a lot of times, they have to, like, be like, we can't hear your mic! And you're like, we got this, sir. We got it. Thank you, this guy. Like, it's always like... It was just the craziest thing. He couldn't handle nothing. And, like, I knew... Tana was, like, grabbing my leg under the table, and we were like, oh...

this is it. This is the thing. I think it's bad. And I needed it. I needed this man to be humbled in my head. I needed him to be humanized. Off the pedestal, yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. That actually couldn't be worse. I'm not kidding. It couldn't be worse. I can't imagine something that would be less attractive You know you are entering a space where the contract is someone speaks in your silence.

Like that's, you knew this. You walked in here. You've had plenty of time to emotionally prepare for this. Like if you don't want to laugh, totally fine. And just where's the like awareness in the regard, like you're a musician. Like if you were having an emotional moment at your show, would you want someone to be like, fuck yeah, I love your pants, dude. Like no. It was like that. It was that bad. It was literally like, oh, positive heckling? No.

It was. It was positive heckling. It was positive heckling. But still, like, just shut up. But, like, on such a delay, too. Like, let's say someone made a joke and it ended with, like, car. Like, six minutes later, he'd be like, ha ha, car, dude! And I would be sitting, oh my god, I wanted to crawl into my own skin and die. I've never seen anything like it in my entire life. That's a true nightmare. It really was. That's a true nightmare. It's, like, someone that has to participate and, like, be a part of the show. But also, there is... It makes me want to cry. By the way, that is...

I've never been in that situation because I would normally be on stage, but if I was with you guys, I'd be like, you've got to go. No, I have a major thing about that. I don't like people even talking in movies and stuff. I ended up being the one who got kicked out that night, though. I'm going to be honest. How fun is that? She's mad at me for my little thumbs on the screen. I'm such a boner. At any show, I'm always literally shut up. You're the crew that's the problem. No, we were. Well, I...

Anything we go to, I'm always like, please be quiet. I follow every rule. I'm very like, I'm just like that. I'm talking like, no parking sign. And you park there for two minutes and she's like bawling, you know? But we had gone to see, what's his name, Andrew? Yeah. And I like, as he was walking off stage, I just like took a little picture of him. They kicked me out so fast. I was literally like. Just like, I'm famous. No, but like, I've seen so many people. She went out there and pulled a car. So many comedians like repost like people posting them. I'm like, I didn't think it was like that popular.

strict of a rule, they kicked me out. This was at the comedy store? Yeah, I had to talk my way back in. I was like, please. He invited us. Oh yeah, I was gonna say, yeah, it's like, I mean, Andrew would have kicked you out if you didn't post about him. You know what I mean? Literally, comics were on stage, like, we're like, you're gonna post this, right? It's not like I was filming a bit or something, I literally just snapped a pic. Honestly, I just wanted a guy to know that I was there and think,

who's she there with? Maybe that's why the guy kicked you out. He's like, you need to pull it together. He knew what I was doing. You can tell I had the wrong intentions. A selfie of you looking hot with Andrew in the background, like we know what this is, bitch. Take it down. You're so rude. You're embarrassing yourself. Has that ever worked? No. Actually, that's not true. I feel like men are so simple. I know exactly what to post if I want each individual one to respond. But then once you get it,

have you lost respect for them in any capacity or once they do are you like well now I know why that's kind of how I am I'm like gotcha bitch I just feel like so satisfied I'm like god you're so stupid that's yeah but then yeah then you're kind of like ugh like you that like you took that bait like how can I yeah but well you know I'm almost there yeah

It happens naturally. I was like that too. It happens naturally. Like there's a certain point where you're just kind of like you've worked too hard and you respect yourself too much that it's just like not appealing anymore. You know, it's like if you've ever like eaten a food so much that you just like can never look at it again. Yeah, absolutely. It kind of just like happens naturally. I mean, I did active like reoccurring

rewiring and like love addiction stuff but I also just sort of like I realized that the hottest thing to me is respect and being wanted for real and I was like oh god when I'm because when you're like manipulating someone into liking you you'll always know that that's why they're there yeah on some level damn you know what I mean and then you're kind of like because and then you're more and more insecure where you're like well where have you been and da da da because I'm only keeping you because I was able to like build this house of ours I will never ever ever forget that

It's a bummer when you're like, did I just orchestrate all this? Like, am I just like the master of ceremonies? And I never think that I'm like, hey, orchestrated this. That's crazy. That like made this happen. Like, did I just like put a spell on you and just like take advantage of your way? Like, oh God. Something is so wrong with me. I'm not even kidding. The very last episode we did, I was talking about putting a spell on a guy to get him to like me. Oh my God.

Maybe. Oh my God. You are so smart. Well, then it's like, instead of trying to make someone like you, what if I go like, oh, what if I like myself enough to just gravitate someone that deserves me? I have a thing though. I almost feel like it's not even like an insecurity thing because I'm like, I like myself a lot, but I'm like, why don't you? Yeah. It's hard. I agree. I agree with that. There's people that like don't, that order vanilla ice cream and that's all they order. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

That's really interesting. It's like, and I don't mean this, I've had this too, where it's like a narcissistic injury, where I'm like, I'm the best. Well, not even to be that way, but I'm like, I am very secure. I feel like I really like myself. It's not like a, because I get comments all the time on the podcast that are like, Brooke is so insecure. And I'm like, I'm really not, but it's just confusing to me. Yeah. Because I'm like, you. Because I'm like, you. Like, who is that sexy, sexy girl? Okay, first of all, that's a bit. But if someone.

But if someone does like you, are you kind of, does it bore you or it's kind of repelled, repellent to you? Kind of. I don't know. I love like a love bombing. Like I love a guy who's like really likes me. Yeah. Yeah.

But that never ends well. But is that addiction or is it? When someone's just using you as a drug, that's sort of like, when is this going to? You're right. You know? You are so fucking nice. I know, I know. Have you ever written a book on like dating and love advice? I did. I wrote a book. It's called. I'm literally buying it right after this. Yeah, I wrote about all the love addiction stuff, eating disorder stuff, all this sort of stuff. Oh my God, I didn't even know. I'm checking all my boxes. Yeah, the body dysmorphia stuff. It's called I'm Fine and Other Lies. That was like a couple years ago. It came out the day of the Vegas shooting. Oh my God.

So I was literally in hair Putting on for my hometown Literally Talk about stealing attention I was in hair and makeup in New York About to go on the Today Show And it's like

It was like 50 people. I mean, it was like. Oh, no, I know. Literally, we're like body count. We're like, OK, I'm not going to go on the station. I'm like, you guys, my eating disorder. It's like I've had a hard time with guys. And so it was like it was just you work so hard for something. And then the day it comes out, it's like something wild. And so it's like a week. Everything was down. And I'm just kind of like, I'm not going to do another press tour. Like on my podcast, we like do little sections like about the book where we do these quizzes. That's another thing I have in the book out.

line like things to do on the first date with guys these like word association games like these Freudian subconscious games I'm reading it tomorrow I love that shit we love this stuff she was just saying she does that do it like a word association game like just you can get like the standard Jungian one J-U-N-G it's the psychoanalysis guy and it's just like all these crazy words and you can just be like hanging out having a couple drinks and be like let's play word association and I did it one time with this guy that I met on Mariah already red flag I know he was the one without a man bun and

It was like the only one. It's really benign. Damn, every guy I've met on Riot, they got a man. The V-necks go so deep. And so it would be like, you know, blue, water, sex. It's just like random. It's like funny. And then I said, wife. And he just, I was like, blah, wife. And he just went, cunt. And I was like,

Like it's just oh and then on another guy it was marriage like it's buried in it you know it's like blueberries ocean you know eyeballs da da da and it was like marriage and he was like absolutely not I remember like it was yesterday Oh my god that's crazy I didn't have to ask you didn't have to lie like cool like that's all and then there's this other one I love where you ask someone their favorite animal their favorite article of clothing their favorite body of water and it's like it's a really good insight into people

Oh my god I'm gonna go buy two copies One for you One for me No we should literally read it Like on the plane tomorrow But I'll text you like the The quiz too So you don't have to Absolutely do And then you're gonna You guys will do my podcast soon I I was just gonna say I literally wanna talk to you For the rest of my life I could talk to her For six and a half hours I have so many questions I wanna ask you But I feel like I don't wanna

No, I could talk to you for literally hours and hours and hours. Like you were the best fucking human. I idolized you growing up. I never thought I'd live in a world where I'm like sitting here and you're on our fucking podcast. We were saying it the whole way here. We're like, can you believe it? Like, come on. You're just such an idol. Inspiration. Fucking icon living. I can't believe you even took the time. And you're like announcing baby shit on our, what's life? What is, I don't, I love you. I do not identify as a mother.

any capacity I am still just like trying to figure this out but be careful like the last thing I'll say is I was with I do like equine therapy that what's really helped me I think the most is like working with prey animals you figure out your own energy you figure out like what you're needy for you know what your your vibe you give off like I used to walk into rooms like hey cunts and people like she's kind of bitchy I'm like I'm bitchy why do people think I'm bitch

I just didn't understand how I came off because I grew up in such a pugnacious, violent home. I was like that for a long time too. And I always thought I had to defend myself. I was bullied. I was in a lot of raps. So I would kind of just play too much. Mom brand.

Oh, my God. Oh, I'm with my a gala instructor. It's like equine therapy. You work with horses. You just cry and cry and cry because when we work with regular therapists, you're like, I would lie to my therapist. I'm sorry. Like, yeah, I do. Better hope. I love you. But I would like find myself manipulating and trying to whatever or trying to win the who had at the worst contest, etc. And she said to me, I was like, it's so weird that I'm pregnant. She was like, five years ago, you told me you're going to get pregnant at 40. You're like at 40. I'm just going to get pregnant. And I was like, that's.

I did. You're right. Like I had such a, I was the vision board bitch. I was the like writing list. This is what's going to happen to me at 35. This is what's going to happen to me at 38. This is going to happen to me at 40. And I would like speak it and I would mean it. Yeah. Be careful. And shit happens. And it just like, I was like, Oh, that's right. Cause I was like, I'm not going to think about a kid till I'm 40. As soon as I'm 40, I'm gonna have a kid, whether I'm with someone, whether I'm not with someone I'll adopt, I'll use my eggs, like whatever it is, whatever the universe wants. I'm not infertile. We have,

We have so much more time than we think. Like, people are... Like, I had this thing in my head. Like, after 30, you can never... I have friends getting pregnant at 44. Jada Jackson just had a kid at, like, 71. Yeah, Kourtney Kardashian's pregnant at 44. My mom had me at, like, almost 40. She's 44. Wow. That's wild. So it's like, if you can freeze your eggs, great. You know, not everybody can. But freezing my eggs really helped me not settle earlier. Yeah. Like, I would just be like, nah, like, I'm not... Like, the sense of security. We should freeze our eggs. It'd be a funny vlog, at least. Yeah, dude, it's hilarious. Dude, dude. I think about selling mine sometimes. Yeah, and then...

Why? Are we hard up on cash? No, honestly. You're going on tour. Take that money. Don't freeze your eyes. When you freeze your eyes, you have to take the syringe with you. Like I had to go on tour. You put it in a cooler bag. It's like a whole thing. And you have to like shoot yourself up. I have friends who have done it like a billion times. It sold embryos.

She sold her eggs. Oh, sorry. I sold eggs. But I don't know. It just seems like a giving thing to do. Like somebody can't have a baby. Now that there's 23andMe, it doesn't feel like the cash grab it used to be. Yeah, that's true. I feel like it's just more like, oh, some people can't have kids. Oh, yeah, that's cool. That's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like I have them. I might never use them. But just knowing I had them made me not settle for Ed Hardy bedazzled shirt guy. You know what I mean? Still working on it. Tattoo that says breathe guy.

Oh my god, they're the worst and they always have a palm tree somewhere too and there's always the circle around the arm that means nothing. Why did you need that? Like just draw it on Sharpie. What, barbed wire on your ankle? Like what was this? Yeah, and there's always lover somewhere. You have tattoos. And they're all terrible. Are they? Oh my god, yeah. Well, not all of them. I'm lasering young as fuck off my ass right now that Bella Thorne wrote when we were dating and I got when I was like 17. Well, Ma's son was at my party.

- With me. - What's that? - We went together. - Oh, he went with you? What? Didn't realize that you were near each other during the party. - Really?

Not real. Honestly, I feel like I would see you and I would just like run away from him. Like just so that you didn't like put it together. Because I remember being like, are they going to say like, should I? And I was like, I'm not going to micromanage. I'm not going to caretake because I like didn't put it together because his sister had told me or something about like, and I was like, oh, yeah. And I didn't, it didn't cross my mind. And then I was there and I'm like, always like the people pleaser. Want to make sure nobody. We drove together. So what? We all came. It was. Yeah.

Because he's over the axe throwing and then you were, I don't know, with the chickens or some shit. So I was just kind of like, oh, I was like, maybe they won't run into each other, you know? Not that I know anything about what actually. Yeah. No, we were bopping around together. We're super cool now. We're super bopping. Because I remember being like, do I need to let her know? And then I'm like, this is not,

They're adults. Yeah. No, yeah. We were super adults about it. He's a sweetie. He really is. He loves you so much. I did his movie with Machine Gun. Do you know that that was shot in my old house? And I swear to God, at the time, I had just broken up with Maude. And I was like, this is such a fucking dick of me. Why the fuck are you shooting a fucking movie in my old fucking house? I was feral. I had to watch the movie. Why is Megan Fox walking around in my house in a bikini? You'd be like, fuck off! Fuck off!

Oh, what a cast. And Whitney Cummings in the goddamn movie knows I love you. I was like, did you fucking... Oh my God, whatever. I watched the entire movie. You were amazing in it. I was watching it out of anger towards Maude at the time because we had just broken up. But then I was like, Whitney's so funny. You were so funny. Oh, come on. You carried that. And then there was something about you guys' tour that we... Let's talk about it. I don't remember what it was, but if you want to talk about your tour. I mean, we just have tour dates coming soon. And to be honest, we were going to...

delve into a whole thing where we wanted your advice on the show but I just feel like at this point let's do it on your podcast oh perfect perfect perfect I love that I don't want to like first of all my lash is coming off my pussy sweating like you know what I mean I mean I am fully swung he's gonna charge us $700 my water is broken I have given birth and I just love you I love you let's go we'll do this we'll pick this up another time I worship the ground you walk on thanks everyone we love you thank you so much