38: Matt Rife On Why He'll Never Be Cancelled Ep. 38
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Hello and welcome back to the canceled podcast. We have the world's most requested guests today. We really do. The most cancelable guests. This is perfect. So fitting. I'm so excited to dive into everything. Sincerely. You, I think we could easily get Oprah on the podcast.

Possibly. Is she even doing TV anymore? Is she still working? What's she doing? What is Oprah up to? She's on billboards all over Hollywood right now. I keep seeing her face. Is that what it is? Yeah, she posted yesterday for Tina Turner. Well, yeah. Matt Reif is here. And I'm really hoping you get canceled today and not me. And I'm starting that off. Good luck. I wake up every single day. Somebody tried to cancel me. Absolutely. I feel like every time you try to go on a podcast or every time you do go on a podcast, like we say some stupid talk situation. Are we allowed to talk about that?

I mean, you can if you want to. Okay. I don't mind. So you hate women? We won't hate you after that. Yeah. No, I hate cancel culture. I hate more than anything. I don't support anybody who even believes in cancel culture, to be honest. Well, neither do we. We...

- This is called "Cancelled." - It's the perfectly ironic podcast. I think it's brilliant. - Someone was telling me the other day that when they look up, like they were trying to actually look up like things I've been canceled for, but when they look up Tana canceled, the only thing that comes up is the podcast instead of all my, and I didn't, I'm not smart enough to think of that. Like that was not, that was just like a convenient accident. - That's why I did my first special OnlyFans. I labeled it OnlyFans because I knew so many people were Googling if I had an

OnlyFans, so it drove all the traffic to the special. - Wait, that's so smart. I always wondered why you did that. That's so fucking smart. I love to see it. Yeah, I wasn't smart enough to think of that. It was just a really happy accident for me. - God made it happen. - I think that is the coolest thing about being a comedian is like not apologizing, like not caring about canceled culture and just like-- - Dude, you can't. Like the world is full of the most insane people in the entire world and everybody wants to be mad at everything and everyone's feelings hurt or,

Everyone's feelings are always hurt all the time. And I just don't have it in me to care anymore. I just don't. I'm sorry. I have a very select group of people in my life that I do care about their feelings. I'm very selective about who I do give that energy to. If I were to care about 7 billion different people's individual feelings about...

their reaction to my jokes, I'd kill myself. - You'd literally kill yourself. - Yeah, that's insane. It's an impossible task. - I feel that. I think that like for, there was a second in my like YouTube era that I like succumbed to that and I was just apologizing left and right. And I woke up one day and I was like, I don't wanna live like this. There's certain things I guess that I've done at least that I needed to apologize for, you know, like failed conventions and shit.

- Well, of course. - But-- - I mean, yeah, there's moments to recognize that you've made mistakes and that you've learned from those, but after a certain point, like you, as you get older and the more mature you get, you recognize what's okay and not okay and things that you've done in the past that aren't okay. - Absolutely. - But I think as long as you know your intentions are pure and you don't mean anybody any harm in these mistakes, it's everything's-- - Yeah.

It's patchable, I suppose. And there's a difference between actions and jokes. Like you're saying, you know what I mean? Like you do something that's awful. Okay, fine. But like if everything you're saying is a joke and people are like, I just, I'm really trying to transition into that era of just saying whatever the fuck I want and not apologizing. You can't. People are going to find problems in literally every single thing that you say. Absolutely. And you just have to ignore those people. Someone's so mad right now. Those people don't matter. They really offer nothing positive to society. They just don't.

Yeah. But the ones who keep the lights on, thank you. Shout out to them. Shout out to the lights. A lot of extra lights in here, by the way.

So, um, it was so hard to get you on this podcast. No, no, no, no, no. I actually, I respect it. I think it's cool. You're mysterious. You're elusive. You're busy. You're doing busy. The other two are not real, but it adds to it. You know what I mean? It's like, what is Matt Rife doing? Why? He's like, I really just didn't want to go on the podcast. He's just in fucking Toledo. Okay. Vacation hotspot.

How is that touring constantly? It's the biggest blessing ever. It's all as a comedian. It's all you want for your entire career. Like the ultimate goal, all you can ever really ask for is to be booked every single weekend and get to travel the country. If not the world with hopefully your best friends getting to make people laugh. Like that is the dream of every comedian. Anything that goes past that to where like theaters, stadiums, whatever is past that is all just extra. Like as a comedian, that's all you can really ask for is just to be busy. And yeah,

This past month was actually like the 12 year anniversary I started doing stand up. So it was like 11 and a half years of just eating shit. I'm 27. Really? Yeah. Wow. I didn't know that. How do you combat like the loneliness of touring?

Well, luckily now I get to travel with a couple of my best friends. So, and I also just hired one of my other best friends as my tour manager. So I'm, I like surrounding myself with people that I can enjoy being wherever with those people because yeah, I can get lonely. It can be boring. Sometimes you're in not so fun cities or sometimes you have a not so fun show. What's your least favorite city? Atlanta. No.

Everything in my in my being fuck that city why I I've been performing there for About about 11 years. I would say I've just never had a good time in that city this city Here's the thing. I'm not trying to shit on the city as a whole. It just has nothing to offer me I don't find it fun. There's nothing enjoyable about it to me. The crowds there are usually fine

They're not like extravagantly funny. I can't, I'm not like, oh, I can't wait to come back to this city. Some cities I'm like, dude, I'll move here. I could be here for six months, do shows every single night. But no, but it's actually for this, this upcoming tour that we have coming up, we're doing like Augusta and we're doing Athens. I was like, I don't want to go directly to Atlanta anymore.

Yeah, I completely, completely understand. Last time I was in Atlanta for work, I was eating in a Waffle House and we left. First of all, I bring it on myself for that. And we were leaving the Waffle House and these homeless people. No, but it's like 2 a.m. You're in Atlanta. We're not in a good part of Atlanta. And these homeless people start chasing us all the way back to our hotel. And my grown ass manager at the time, like 30 years old, left me in the dust. Like for

for like a mile later like it was just like bye i was supposed to go on were you like carrying leftovers from waffle house or something probably just drop it yeah just give them the food okay but i no i don't think they wanted the food i don't think that was this i guess i don't know but it wasn't giving we're hungry it was giving like come here little girl you know

I'm dying with or without the waffle. Let's be real. Like, you know. But if I'm going to die, it's for the waffle, I think. Absolutely. Shout out to Waffle House. Their waffles are so good. I don't even care if a cockroach made it. You know what I mean? Oh, that's like the dirtiest kitchen you've ever seen. You look back there and it's like eight years worth of cooking utensils that have never been washed or anything. There's always bugs in Waffle House. Have you guys seen the Waffle House, like the girl fighting at Waffle House?

You have to be way more specific. That's like every week. No, there's a video of a girl, like she literally picks up a chair, tosses it across Waffle House. Like hits a little. Again, have to be more specific. Like people put people's hands in irons. It's insanity there. Oh, okay. But that's why you go because you don't know what's going to happen. Yeah, it's like a fun.

a fun exciting like a Cirque du Soleil show with like a meal what's it what's it uh dinner in a show absolutely like medieval times but current yeah just fight into the death while you eat a fucking burnt steak have you ever been to medieval times one time yeah it's kind of it's kind of awesome I need to try the mutton I'm trying to rebrand what is the mutton dude gun to my head the what animal is mutton I'm dying every time is it an animal I think it's a sheep

I think it's the sheep. It's like the stick. I've never heard the word mutton. Yeah. What's a mutton? I know like mutton chops, like the sideburns kind of thing. No, no. So far, so good. Yeah, it's not good for my rebrand, but I need to try the mutton. We should do an episode from Medieval Times. Oh, could you imagine? You guys have to have the gigantic turkey legs and use those as the microphone the entire time. That's what the mutton, that's what I'm referencing. No, that's a turkey leg. But it looks like that. It is? It looks like the exact same thing? It looks like that emoji.

What emoji? You know the emoji. You know the emoji. Which emoji? The turkey leg emoji. Oh, I'm sorry. You are not deep in the emoji game, are you? I'm not. She's deep in the Waffle House altercation game. Wow. Coming to you live from Waffle House. The turkey leg would have been better. So ratchet. For the audio listeners, the set is falling apart at the seams. One second. Anyway, how long are you on tour?

Literally nonstop. I'm on my own tour right now and then we have our giant Live Nation tour starting in September through May of next year. Yeah. What's... I'm trying to think. But we're playing like places I could have only dreamed of playing. Not only do I get to go to Australia in January, which I've never been. You're gonna go to Australia? Never been. The fans in Australia, like the people are so like feral, insane energy. I feel like you're gonna thrive so hard off there.

I've heard they're like a great comedy audience. Absolutely. Like one of the best in the world. Heckling on 10, which you obviously live for kind of. Do you like it or you don't like it? I don't like it. That's not part of the show. People really think that's like the thing to do at the show, which is insane. It's like, it's, it's up to me. If I want to talk to you, I'll talk to you. A lot of the times I will want to talk to you, but it's like, you can't force it on somebody. That's insane. That's like the most,

That is the most selfish, entitled thing ever. Somebody did a video recently where they were mad that I had to reschedule the comedy club shows in their city 'cause I had to do a theater instead because I'm just getting so worn down from doing like 10 shows a weekend. I've had to move some cities to bigger venues. And this woman was upset about that, understandably so. I have all the empathy in the world. I hate letting people down. I hate that they work so hard to get these tickets and now I have to reschedule. I understand that fully and it sucks.

But then the main thing she was mad about, the thing that pissed me off,

She was like, "I got tickets to your show and I was coming to like, I was gonna yell out, I was gonna get your attention, I was gonna make you roast me. Like, I was gonna get your attention no matter what." I'm like, that's the most entitled fucking thing anyone has ever said. You wouldn't go to a concert, you wouldn't go to like, you wouldn't go see Hamilton on Broadway in the middle of his speech be like, "Hey, hey, hey, roast me real quick." He'd be like, "Bitch, shut up. Thomas Jefferson is black, okay? Can we just enjoy what the show is?"

it's so insane people think it's really how it works there even the reason i ask you that though is because some of your greatest comedy work does kind of come but that's why they do it they see those videos and then they think like oh i want to be a little video yeah and i get that but i've said this exact statement so many times that like that's not how it work be patient and also i don't want to talk to everybody you also can't do crowd work with everybody yeah most people are not interesting and not funny yeah so it's like it's usually the people who want the

most attention doing that have nothing to offer. It's always the best things was when it's spontaneous to everybody, myself included. When I talked to a random look, totally nonchalant person in the front row and they have some crazy story about how they were in a sex cult for 12 years where you're like the most unexpected stuff is the best stuff. Don't force it. That's just annoying. Yeah. But I understand the confusion. And yeah, and I try to explain the reason I post crowd work on social media is so that I'm not wasting material.

Stand-up is about building an hour-long show that you take on tour and then once you've perfected it to the best of your ability, you film it as a special.

If I'm posting my material on social media and then you come see me live, you're going to see the same jokes. That's not fair to you. I don't want to give you a show that you already kind of know half of. Yeah, that's fair. So did you just start over? Cause you just said, yeah, yeah. And we're shooting my next one in September. Sure. Next special. Yeah. Yeah. That's exciting. At the dollar theater in DC. Do you switch it up or do you do like the same set every time now? Yeah. Right now I'm kind of working on the same set. Um, but it's like, it's one of those things that,

a lot of the time only comics will know this. I can do the same set 20 times because I'm working on making that same

The best it can be so like I'm fine-tuning little tiny idiosyncrasy things like you could watch me do the same set 20 times in a row and you might not notice a single difference that each time I'm changing the inflection on One word in the entire bit to get it perfect exactly It is probably so minuscule you and the audience members probably have no idea whatsoever But you do have to do that. You have to keep doing the same stuff to make it Perfect

- Absolutely. - But that's why I like doing crowd work. Even I get tired of working on the same jokes. Like it gets exhausting. It's just, it's memorizing a script over and over and over again. And yeah, you are changing it, but sometimes you want some spontaneity and you know, kind of just see what happens. - Gay son or thought daughter? - Ooh. Gay son. - Tana Marie. - Gay son for sure. - Why? - Okay. - Do you think women should drive? - Do I think, one question at a time? Jesus Christ. - Wait, why no thought daughter?

i don't know it doesn't seem as fun gay son seems so much more fun like they're gonna be a good dancer that's a generalization yeah i feel like i feel like they've been life of the party my son could be drunk at 2 p.m on a friday like i just i really i really root for gay son yeah there's so many fun aspects of the thought daughter i can't think of the pros you can't think of the pros she could be a good dancer she could have a podcast

That's our whole house. It's just gay sons and thought daughters. No one has a father. No one has a fucking father. Same. I also don't have a father. This is perfect. I feel like that's, it kind of makes for a funny comedian. It's the key to success. Absolutely. You have to have some trauma. Whenever I meet somebody like a totally intact family, I'm like, what's your deal? Yeah. They're not funny. Where is it? Yeah. Where's the trauma? Who hurts you? I need to know. It scares me. It really does scare me. As you, you also, you accredit trauma to kind of your sense of humor and whatever, but you also talk about your glow up a lot.

Which I just became aware of because I was asking people to ask you questions. Everyone's like, how about talk about his glow up? It's brutal. It was life changing and even I don't understand it. Were you a little ugo? Yes. Up until like not even that long ago. If you look at pictures of me at like 19, completely different looking person. Did you go to like drhubsapien.com?

down the street? Literally not a single fucking thing. I just kept getting older, I guess. Really? And it's so funny. The only thing I've ever done is my teeth. I got veneers, obviously, because my teeth were fucked when I was a kid. But it's so fucking funny to me. Like, it's people's number one, like, online insult is like, well, at least I don't have plastic surgery. It's like, cool. Neither do I. I've had people who

like claim to be actual plastic surgeons and be like, oh no, he's had this, he's had this filler, he's had all this. I'm like, cool. So you're not only lying, but you're wrong at your job. And they're, but they're also kind of gassing you. Yeah. I'm like, thanks. Some people pay for this. That's so crazy. You look like the after. I'm about to go in and show a pic of Matt Rife and be like, give me that cheek filler. You're welcome. You know what I mean? Shout out to Dr. G-O-D. Matt said on a podcast, he doesn't like lip filler.

I don't mind lip fillers. Just don't go over top. Like, don't be so ridiculous about it. I have had eras of my life where my lips were 60% of my face. No, fully. Like the girl from Shark Tale. Oh my God. If I look back at an old photo, I'm like, who let that happen? We were talking about this, I think on this podcast. It was like from the front. I was like, yes, they're so juicy. But you have a side profile.

And it just, in my head, there was no side. Like, there was a face here and a face here and there was no side profile. And it was like, from the side, my lips could have, like, gotten something from the fridge. See, I don't mind. Just don't go overboard. Because also, like, I have gigantic lips. So it'd be nice if your lips match mine. You know, I don't feel like I'm eating your face. I do think kissing a girl with lip filler feels different than kissing a girl without lip filler. You can, like, feel it. There's probably, like, a...

softness difference, I suppose? Yeah, like I feel like it's like, yeah, you can do it. It's just harder. I think it depends on how recently they got it done, right? Because is that how it works? Like it's harder. There's also different fillers. Like if you have like Juvederm, it's going to be like rock hard. Oh, I didn't even know there were different ones. I thought somebody just took a fucking tire pump. Have you ever fucked up your lip filler by like hooking up with someone right after getting it? No. I have. Dead man. I have.

I definitely have. I'll never forget. One of the first times I got lip filler, I sucked dick that night. And it was just like, there was like an indent. There was like a dick print. Well, they tell you, they specifically tell you not to do it. They tell you not to suck any dick afterwards? I had to do it for the culture, though. Because it's like, it moves around. It's still soft for a while. So it can end up like up here. This is like deflated right here. And it's just all pushed to the corners. No, Fully, how do you explain that when you go to fix it? You're like, sorry. Let me try.

Really big straw. Really big straw. It was paper. It was paper straw. So we're okay. Giant life-size boba I was drinking through a fucking straw. I don't even know. That's a nightmare. To be honest with you. I was just watching you on Whitney Cummings. You did really good. Oh, I love her. Well, thank you. A lot of people thought there was tension. Sexual tension? Yeah. No, she's just so lovely. She actually called me this morning, actually. She is. I would literally. I would do anything to be with her. Like, she is like, I'm in love with her, I think.

She's so sweet and she's so funny and everything. And what I love about her is like she, as she said, one of the things I love about her is like she's not only is she wildly successful and a woman, but like she's also like she's also hot. Like she's very she's very attractive, which is not only frowned upon for comedy in general, but like as a girl, especially like like female comics get shit on all the time for like you have to dress down. Nobody's gonna think you're funny if they also like want to fuck you.

and the fact that she has accomplished so much while being so hot yeah it's like she's kind of a pioneer has she always been hot or was she did she have like a I think she's been hot for a long time her and Eliza Schlesinger are both phenomenal comics and like very attractive that is special it's like hard to be taken seriously I feel like of course yeah but their skill set like far out matches it like they're they've like they've earned it through their comedy chops like I don't feel like either of them like sold out or anything like

They didn't play into like, I have to be hot to get the opportunities that I'm doing. They're phenomenal. And they're both so sweet. I feel that. Do you ever feel oppressed, sexualized? Yeah, it's super fucking annoying. I have people yell out at shows all the time. It's like 70% of shows, somebody, no, I would say 90% of shows, girls will yell out, like, take your shirt off, take your pants off, take your belt off, do the one-handed belt thing from TikTok, all that shit. How did you get yourself into that? Like, where did that start?

There was a bit in my last special, Matthew Stephen Reif, now on YouTube, where I take my belt. Actually, I think I just posted a TikTok of that clip today where it's like I'm just playing a fuckboy character in this bit about girls having guy friends. And I just I was taking my belt off with one hand.

I didn't even know that was like a seductive thing to do. It was just, I'm holding a microphone with one hand. So no, I didn't. I didn't know that was like, it doesn't look sexy to me. Everybody can take their fucking belt off in one hand. How can you not? I hate to break this to you. I don't, I don't can, can you write? That's not like, like Aaron, do you take your belt off with one hand? Yeah.

Right? Oh, really? A bra is far more complicated. You know, I can't even do it with two. I'm like in front of a guy like Rubik's cubing their belt.

I think it's smooth. I don't think it's sexy. I wouldn't like lose my shit over it. I don't know. It just became, so it was that bit that I was doing live. And then I had one crowd work clip where I did the same kind of act out in a different situation. And I think that clip kind of went viral. And then everyone started like reposting edits of that clip. And then those all went viral and just became a ridiculous thing. Yeah. I don't think I could see a video of you on my for you page for like an entire year without that.

without the search bar saying matt rife and it would have nothing to do i could be talking about my dead dad and they're like matt rife takes his belt off with one hand dad hangs himself with it like it was it was all over the place for something that had nothing to do with it it was so funny yeah that is so yes i i get sexualized okay fuck there you go you're welcome my bad don't be sorry at all seriously i would enjoy it if

like people were sexualizing me that much, I feel like. - I'd be like, oh my God, me? - No, if you want to be respected in a different field, you can't have that. And that's honestly- - Oh, I feel like that makes us more respected in our particular field. - Yeah. - Yes. You see, you get that benefit. - It keeps the lights on. - I'm like trying so hard not to have that be a part of me. - Would you ever make an OnlyFans? - I'm trying. - No, you're not. - Yes, I am. Look how I'm dressed. - Okay. - I'm liking the mat hat. - I'm like, put a few pounds on. I'm like, if you really wanted to be ugly, you could. Well, nevermind.

I think that was a compliment. Would you ever make an OnlyFans? Like for real? I have one. I worked with, I did a comedy show for them like around this time last year and part of the contract was like I had to set up an OnlyFans account and like just post sporadically over like three months. Oh, is it like Whitney's OnlyFans where you're putting like your comedy on it? Yeah. No, we want to see. No,

No, I'm not going to sell my body on OnlyFans. Never? No. Boring. Ari kills me. No, I'm saving. When the dick pic finally does get released, it's going to be strategically timed. Thank God. Absolutely. Absolutely. Are you planning a leak to get ahead of things? No, I think I'm just waiting for when I actually do get canceled so I can be like, listen guys. I write a giant apology on the photo, but it's just over my dick pic the entire time. Honestly, kind of fucking genius. I'm not going to lie. I would always have that in my back pocket if I was a guy.

Like, oh, if like I have a bad scandal, at least I can divert with it. - Yeah, but what if you had like a little chode? - I still. - Then it's a short apology. - Still, yeah. - Yeah, sorry. - I'm sorry. - Yeah, it's just, I'm sorry. My bad. - Honestly, hilarious. I would live and breathe for it. - Not a bad backup plan. - I really wouldn't. - No, I wouldn't do an OnlyFans. When I started it though, like even just for the comedy thing,

I instantly understood it. I was like, I understand how so many people make so much money on here. Like if I did everything I got DM asked for during that three month period, you're chitting your holes, dude. Oh, there'd be so much money though. I totally understand why some people were like, Oh, I'll try it out. And they're like, Oh, I'm just going to do this from now on. Yeah. Are people like really specific with their asks?

Yeah, and it's 100% gay dudes. What's the weirdest thing someone's ever asked you to do? Weirdest thing? I mean, there was never like that weird of stuff. It was just a lot of, can I see your dick? Oh. A lot of that. Like, slap it around, stuff like that.

I mean, they were offering like tens of thousands of dollars, but I was like, just. - You know, you'd send your kids to college. - Tens of thousands of dollars, you wouldn't show someone your dick? - Just can't do it. - That's ridiculous. - Good for you. - I know. - Good for you. - I would do it for five. - I feel like when you were receiving. - Five dollars? - Yeah, if I had a dick, I feel like I would just be waving it around all the time. That's true. - Just a dick in general? - Yeah, any kind. - There's so many benefits. If I woke up with a penis tomorrow, I wouldn't even fucking question it. - What's the first thing that you would do? - I would just be like, this is so sick, thank God.

It's not all that. But not like me with a penis. I just, I guess as a boy. Wait, if you woke up tomorrow with a vagina, what would you do? I'd start an OnlyFans. Of course. It's an investment immediately. It's the first thing I would do. He'd be so financially responsible. What about you? I'd let the homies hit for sure. I have it.

would you what huh no you guys were talking go ahead what would you guys say i'd let the homies hit i think oh you think so i think so like that's that's what for your boys right yeah yeah my boy my boy brandon's been on a dry spell for like four months i feel like we get along well if i had a dick with you like if i woke up tomorrow with a dick yeah

just so I could know. - Really? - But would I know it's you or would it be like... - Yeah, no, no, no, yeah. - No, you know, it's everything about her, but she just has a dick. - No, 'cause at that point I could just let you fuck me with like a strap on. - No, but that's not as physical of a connection. - Oh, right, yeah. - She wants to enter you on a spiritual level. - I would let you do it if you wanted to. - Would you pull out? - I would let you do it. - No. - No! - Oh my God. No, but not to get you pregnant. Like take the plan B, duh. But I just wanna know. - Duh. - I just wanna know what that feels like. Could you imagine you getting me pregnant?

And the mental illness that, oh my God. I think our kid would just come out the womb and kill itself. Yeah. No worries. Free abortion. Honestly, kind of crazy. Wow. I wonder if that's ever happened. Good God.

This is an episode for sure. You guys need to flush this idea out more. I'm very interested. You guys are going to have so much fan fiction written about you guys now. Well, honestly, if anyone out there is watching us and loves us, please. I think you do. I think they would definitely fantasize over this. People write fan fiction about you for sure. Not that I know of. I tried to look you up on Reddit to see if anyone, I'm like a huge Reddit person. Oh, that can't be good. No, no one says anything bad about you on Reddit, which is how I know you're a comedian and not an influencer. Because influencers cook.

Yeah, but people hate comedians now too. Like they really, they really do on Reddit. I don't think, well, thank God. Reddit is a powerful community. I feel like it's going back now to like where it used to be like everything's so offensive. I feel like someone like everything's so woke now that people are getting like, the pendulum's definitely swinging back. People are getting so put off to it. Cause it's like, like that's so annoying that everyone's so offended. Now everyone's getting to be offensive again.

I feel like a new standard for what's okay and not okay got kind of defined in like the cancel culture area and the Me Too movements and all of that. Like we all as a society went, okay, these things are not going to be acceptable anymore. This is like a new set of societal rules.

and we know not to do that now i feel like the rest of the world was like cool we know that now can we move the on but people trying to cancel people every single day still people are just like over it and it waters it down it's so unfortunate like people people do deserve to face consequences for a lot of really shitty actions but that all gets completely pushed to the wayside because somebody gets offended over a joke it's like if you're giving the exact same punishment to somebody who is in like a physically domestic violence relationship as somebody who tells a joke you don't like

How are the same consequences? How is that fair? I've never thought about it like that. No, it's completely as long as you never apologize. You'll never have to. Like, I feel like Theo Vaughn would never apologize. I would never say whatever you want. No, absolutely not. You can't. If you give them if you give them a little bit of wiggle room, they're going to expect you to apologize for everything they don't like. And how privileged are you to think you never have to hear anything you don't like in your entire life? That's fucking insane. When someone's intention was just to make you go, ha ha ha.

Like the most pure, joyful feeling you can have. And you didn't like it. Fucking move on. Who would have thought we'd have Matt Rive on council talking about the Me Too movement and shit? I know. So he does like women. I love women. Okay. When they're in the kitchen. Yeah, obviously. Cooking up crack or whatever. I don't know whatever you guys do in there. I don't know. I mean. Do you guys cook? I cook so much. I just am always cooking. What?

So many things. Just honestly. So not at all. Got it. Just ratchet shit. Like anything I'm making is ratchet. Like mac and cheese. Mac and cheese is not ratchet. Yes, it is. It's delicious. I hate macaroni and cheese. But it's still ratchet. No, the other day I was like. Like some Velveeta mac.

I was trying to cook a little like buffalo chicken wrap, the ones that we made, and I couldn't find a spatula and I was just flipping it in the butter with my hands on the skillet, like burning my I know a piece of my acrylic was like in the fucking wrap. It's like versatile. It's as good as it gets. But I'm really trying to rebrand seriously.

I'm trying to domestic. She's going through a Sophia Richie rebrand. She wants to be like a old money. What did Sophia Richie do? What did Sophia Richie do is so valid. See, he's not on Sophia Richie. Just assuming everyone knows. Like assuming Matt writes for you. Okay, you're right. You're right.

So she basically. Is Lana Richie's daughter? Yes. Good job. But right now she's going through like a major rebrand because she like married old money and she's just like. Who'd she marry? She married Elliot Grange. I thought she was dating like Scott Disick or something like that. Yeah, so she was dating Scott Disick. She was in her Fashion Nova jumpsuit. She was shaking ass at Vegas Beach Club. She was mobbing around with Scott.

Which is like this vibe. And then all of a sudden she has a little hiatus and she comes back in a fucking tweed blazer. Fucking kitten heels on. Gets married in the south of France in like a hundred million dollar wedding. In her hand. God damn. And it's a full rebrand and it's so believable. Like we were talking about this in the last episode. You look at her and you think she's always been like this. How old is she?

She's younger than me. She's 20. Yeah. She's probably, I think she's 24. Oh, she'll be back. She'll be back to the streets for sure. If so. At 25. Yeah. Okay. If so, I could not, I, I, oh my God, I would like,

I would kill myself for her. No, I feel like she's never stepping foot in a club. She's gotta stay there. I hope so. That seems like a much healthier lifestyle. Yeah, I guess that's true. I haven't even really thought about it in that regard. Yeah, long term. But I was just staring at myself the other day in the mirror, just like, eyelash falling off, glued to my cheek, like, hair just dreaded, like...

disgusting like Billie Eilish style like jumpsuit like fake Gucci print energy and I'm just looking at myself and I'm like what the fuck are you attracting with this like why doesn't anybody want me yeah like dead ass like spray tan crusting off and it's like I want like a

like a finance bro energy. Like I want like a sexy, sexy rich man. And it's like, and I'm walking around like, why don't they want me? There's like buffalo sauce down my fucking hoodie. Like it's just bad. And I'm trying and just everything I say is just, you know what I mean? But the,

the cooking of it all. Like I just want, I want to wholesome-ify myself and it's... Wholesome-ify? Yeah. I think that's a word. It is now. Realistically, like when would you want to be married? Like in what time period would you want to be like... Tomorrow!

Let's be serious. No, I opened my fucking timeline today. Bella Thorne's engaged for the third fucking time. Is she still with the Italian guy? No. What? No. What happened? A lot. We don't know. I'm so happy I don't pay attention to pop culture. I'm so happy. A lot. And I'm just like, you know, Bella and I are very similar people. Just the way we act.

- Energy wise. - High G, sorry. - Yeah, well nine, we both probably shower the same amount. Like, you know what I mean? - Is it a lot or a little? - And it's just like, she's doing it. And it's like, I'm not. And it's like, they're cute. Ring's big. - What do you think it is you're doing wrong? - Everything. And it's just like, I really, I want it. - And I know I'm not ready to engage. - Someone wants to marry you, but he has like a face tat. - Face tats, yeah. It says Waffle House down his neck.

And what sucks is innately I'm attracted to that. Like, I'm fighting demons to not end up with that. We should get hypnotherapy.

Do you fucking think that would work? Do you think that would work? Against like trashy fuckboys? Maybe. Yeah, like I want a hypnotist to be like, no more dangly cross earrings. And I want to be like, I hate those. But I can't get that. But also like I want it in my face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I want to see it dangling over me. Like a little chandelier. Oh my God. Do you ever just see a man with like a cross? No one. I'm not. No one's going to relate. Cut the thought. I'm rebranding.

I'm like, never. Shout out to JC. Yeah. God love him. Put it away. I'm just really trying to rebrand. You know? Me too. And it's not working. When do you want to be married by? Now. Really? No, like 30. Wait, how old am I? 30 is good. 30.

31. I want a kid by like 33. I've always thought I was going to be like an older mom though. I have old parents. When do things start to get dicey for women having kids? When does that start to kick in? I don't know. I think for us it's probably like dicey already. I'm definitely infertile. You think so? You know what I mean? I don't know. It's just like...

What have I taken more of in life? Vitamins or Plan B? Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, you're not supposed to take more than one Plan B a year and she takes... A year? You're not supposed to take more than one? It fucks your body up so bad. Okay, then pretty much everyone I know is infertile then. Except for you. Huh. I don't think anyone's taking it at that rate. I do. I do.

and she doesn't take it that often for the record i'm not me like no it's like every morning it's like zinc magnesium and plants absolutely yeah i think maybe like 40 i probably realistically take it like 47 i've i've heard or i've heard like 33 34. it means like okay you're you're trying to get into the cup i thought that was too early as well i just wasn't sure yeah who someone just had a kid at like 50. someone definitely well yeah somebody yeah it's like when it's poweltro she like only drinks bones

Yeah, but that kid's going to

be in lunch first, you know? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, I mean, I want to adopt or like get a little surrogate sit so I could definitely freeze my eggs and like do all that. Like that scares me. I don't know if I want to, I don't know if I want to freeze my child before it gets made. Like freezing the ingredients. You don't know when you like freeze your eggs. You don't know if any of them are going to be viable. So you can freeze all your eggs. Think you're good to go. And then you can go to like inject them. I just learned that on the Kardashians.

it's like my main source of education like what's better like fresh fish or like frozen cod that's been shipped across the country for after years fresh fish is a crazy yeah it's like eating sushi in like wyoming yeah it's like it had to get it took so much time okay but here's the thing you know sometimes you refreeze food and you pop it in the air fryer and that shit's better than it

it was yeah but you're not put a baby in an air fryer okay well i'm pretty sure is what plan b does actually you're speaking for yourself here okay how old do you want to be when you have kids or get married do you want to have kids i definitely want to have kids i think married around yeah around the same time like 31 something like that oh your time clock is ticking no i've got like three or four years i'll be okay just just

Throw my hat in the ring. I personally want to tomorrow, but I know none of that's going to happen for me. Seriously. I feel like if it did, imagine your wedding. How fun that would be. Imagine my child. That's what I'm excited for. I have a feeling you're going to end up with a child like me, like a fucking loser. Not like a loser, but like...

But like a mom, don't do that. Like that type. He's like smacking the cigarette out of your hand. I think the reason that I became the way I am is because my mom was just like you. Like I feel like I was always like, you can't steal that. Dude, but I feel like I'm just going to condition my kid to be okay with it because it's like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, oh, you want that toy? No, you think so. Let me ask you this. Would you let your kids be influencers?

- Yeah, I mean, I would let my kids do whatever they wanted, like follow your dreams energy. But I won't let my kid be a nepo baby brat. Like that, no matter how much money I have. - I don't have to worry about that. - I'm like my kid won't have money. - Shaq has the same kind of philosophy. He always tells his kids, he was like, he's like, listen, we're not rich, I'm rich. Like I try to make it as possible. - As Miles O'Neal's walking around with like a fucking- - No, no, no, but like they, I feel like he's pretty like, I mean, he has like-

He has like a billion dollars. But he is very humble. Like he's a fucking sweetie sweetheart. Very humble. He did raise his kids to be like good people. Yeah, I feel like that's something that scares me so much. We were actually talking about this the other day. We were riding around in Ari's brand new Porsche. And he was like, Tana, I feel like you are going to give your kids like everything they want. But it's like, I'm

No. It's like, they have to experience, like... I like parents that, like, make their kids have jobs. I have a lot of friends who, like, grow up with a lot of money, but, like, they have to work or they don't get an allowance. They don't get, like, what... Like, they still have nice things and stuff, but it's, like, not for nothing. - They also need you to... - No, but you have to work for it a little bit. Yeah. Experience a couple weeks of, like, only eating ramen and learning how to dap that shit up and make it fire.

Like, it can't just be, like, a Wagyu lifestyle. Like, there's gotta be... No, they have to miss out on some experiences, too. I can't tell you how many times there'd be, like, a school event that all my friends are going to, and, like, it'd be, like, a $5 entry for you, and my mom would be like, I don't have $5 to give you right now, and I would lose my shit and be like, how are you gonna deprive me of this experience? Do you guys ever think about, like...

the amount of trauma it takes for like someone to be funny or like be an entertaining person like don't you feel like you have to give your kids some kind of something to like like trauma to spunk them up a bit like i'm afraid them up a bit i get scared of that like what if i what if my kids grow up in like a healthy environment and then they're like fucking losers i mean it can be it can be verbally taught i think i think like sarcasm is a is a very

Lost it's teachable and I think it's very lost in this day and age like yeah think about when people think about like shaming for example What people think what people consider bullying now like roasting right? Yeah, my friends would tear me to fucking pieces over an outfit or whether I looked a certain way I had a fucking pimple on my face or whatever it may be if I got fat or I was too skinny or whatever it may be like that is part of a friendship and social

I guess awareness and maneuverability like you have to you have to develop that skill set as a how to take a joke Take criticism and know that not everybody's being serious all the time. I'm gonna roast my kid to death Nobody's gonna bully my kid more than me I was actually talking about this the other day like I almost like I think that a really good way to just get the ball rolling on that it's to just give your kid a fucking awful name I

Well, like what's up? What's it? What's an example of an awful name? Cedric. No, that's a rich ass name. Yeah. And it's a very proper name. Actually. I'm trying to think. I don't know. What's an awful name? I feel. Gertrude. Well, you know, grandma, grandma names are coming back. Like, what if I have a baby right now and named it like Gladys?

That's what I'm saying. Like Gladys, that's setting her up to get like necked in school one time. And that's good. She'll be funnier. Or like, what's the bitch who named her kid Apple? No. Apple. Gwyneth Paltrow. God, I'm talking all kinds of shit about that girl. That's true. That's a soft, adorable name. That's funny as fuck. You know he was off like a perk 30. Like...

So many. It's so fucking insane. Like, just name your kid Curtin. Like, Michael, what? Top Sheep. Why did he name his kid Blanket? Duvet is actually kind of cute. Duvet is a fancy name. Like, names that are, like, mean something, but they're, like, actually pretty names. Chlamydia. Chlamydia. Like, that's a beautiful fucking name. How do people get chlamydia from koalas? Do you have to be scratched? Is that what it is? Do they have to bite you? You can't get a problem? Yes, you can. You can.

They all carry clothes. Well, maybe they have it and it's non-transferable. Do otters have anything? Because I love otters. I love otters, but I don't like the sound they make. What? The little chirp? No, it's not a chirp. Yes, it is. It's so cute. My dream situation is to have a house with like a giant wing of the house. It's like a giant indoor pool. And that's just where the otters live. I love that. That's their side of the house. I'm like, how fun would that be? I don't need to swim in the pool. That's their pool. I mean, I'm going to get in a hobby.

obviously swim with the otters, but like it's their space just dedicated to their home. It's like some Hugh Hefner shit. Then you have like everything at the Playboy Mansion, but then like, did he, but then he was like peacocks and all that shit. Well, that's kind of cute. Where do you think, where do you think you'll settle down in life?

location wise oh um somewhere with otters it's between two places probably um just outside washington dc like like virginia alexandria area or pacific northwest oregon wow i love oregon love it i'm gonna be there in july like it's been such a stressful month for me and i have been so deep in like fantasy mode of like just moving to fucking like nebraska like the sticks

Like, I want to feel like a Noah Kahn. You say that until you get there and you go, oh, I have to live on such a big compound because there's nothing else to do once I leave this house. It sounds so amazing. But can't you? If you're all the way there, it's like, what can you afford? Like a castle? Yeah, you probably could there actually. Imagine my own little version of like Neverland Ranch without the kiddos. All right. You know? Not a bad idea. I would, I feel like,

What if, like, imagine Tana on a farm. Like, that's what I'm just... I can definitely see that. That could be the rebrand as well. Like, Simple Life. Absolutely. That's what I was trying to think of. I almost called it Sweet Life. How fun. Like, how fucking... It's just... Oh, my God. I can't stop it. I feel like it sounds good to me in theory. Like, it's my dream. Like, I'm like, oh, I want to be a farm wife. But then...

I'm like after like a couple days of it I'd be like yeah I've only ever known a big screen no it's too barren no I would love that's why I love the Pacific Northwest is because it's like full of forests forests I feel like you never really get used to because it's so like you can get lost in that yeah I feel like I would get lost it's a completely different scenery forests freak me the fuck out really I really do I'm definitely supposed to live in the woods for sure really for sure like cabin in the woods definitely like I would definitely like I would do like lumberjack shit for fun like that would be fun for me

Have you seen that dude on TikTok who just splits wood? Yes, and everyone wants to fuck this motherfucker. I feel like you could really have a viral situation with that. I feel like everyone would want to see you with a hat. Somebody set it up. Somebody bring me a fucking log. You really should just, honestly, if you ever, like, I know you're sick of people sexualizing you, but it would be really funny if you went down just the rogue bit of doing the most random shit for people to sexualize like that. Just like opening soda cans or jars of pickles and shit like that. Like knitting in a hot way, you know? Oh.

- Oh, that would be cute actually. - Yeah. - That's not a bad idea. - You could really flip the script maybe. Get your power back. - New publicist. - Yeah. She's good at it. - Imagine me as Matt Ripe's publicist. I would ruin your fucking life. - Yeah, for sure. Well, this is a great first step. Love it. - Yeah, 100%. - Love it. I'm so game. - We're happy to have you here. What are you doing the rest of your day? You were only free at this time. - I've got a friend's birthday tonight and I've got a show tonight and then I'm gonna try to make it to a friend's concert. Are you guys familiar with Anise?

It was Anise the rapper on Instagram. He blew up rounds. You know Chance was pissed. Is he not a rapper anymore? No, he kind of transitioned over to like just overall music. He is a great rapper, but he has a great voice and his music is just so like soulful and pleasant to listen to. I found him on Instagram reels around like beginning of last year. And he had like

i don't know maybe 100 000 followers so he was just like singing in his car he was delivering for like dominoes or something like that and he would just sing in between uh in between deliveries and i saw him he was so talented and seemed so cool so i followed him hit him up and ever since then he's gotten like he he's been like co-signed by justin bieber he shouted him out like scooter braun all that stuff apple music spotify like he's making such great waves makes amazing music so shout out to my boy anise go check him

I'm out. He actually just released an album. It's beautiful, actually. Wait, I'll have to listen to it. It's like some sad shit. No, it's not sad. It's beautiful, actually. It's like just good vibes music. It really is. Wow, I love that. I'm bad. I only like sad music. Yeah, we're kind of on our sad music kick. Oh, I do love some sad rap. I'm like, sad rap? Yeah, I have an ex tattoo. Oh, that counts. Juice WRLD. Love them. Absolutely. Love that. Yeah. I read the other day. I hope I'm wrong about this. Has it been five years since he passed away?

I think that feels like kind of right. Fuck. Dude, time is like...

i always feel like time is flying but lately it's like terrifying me yeah like i feel like i'm gonna be 50 tomorrow uh how old are you now 24. oh my god such a baby that's no i it's not i feel like i'm about i feel like my eggs are running out i literally feel like if i don't have a kid tomorrow now that you've said something no you've got at least 10 more years healthy 46 wait how old am i oh 36 36 i think is still safe oh my god i was so nervous

I think I'm still fine. I believed myself for a second. I was like, oh my God. I think your eggs are going to be fine. Okay, we're good. You have plenty of time left. I'm going to be just fine. I kind of want to look at some fan questions because people are very excited. I want you to say something. We have like a little more. You need to say something. Like something you would have said on Stiff Socks. Get you canceled. We need a viral. Not doing it. Here's the thing. What's your least favorite race? That was my question. The amazing. She stole that. The amazing. Yeah.

I think it's just scary that you can like blow up so big and now all of a sudden every little thing that you've done like years ago is going to come back. Oh, it's so fun. People want you to die.

It's I just found success in something I've been working 12 years in and people like nah fuck that already got to get rid of them It's it's nothing but sad fucking pathetic people. It's so it's something you definitely you know If you want to succeed in this space, you just have to accept but it's it's definitely a hard pill to swallow Of course, but that's why I think you have to there's like such a fine line of being who you are and being publicly

uh respected I think yeah like there's a certain image you want to portray to like make everybody like you but in the reality of like you're gonna slip up you're gonna say things people don't like you're gonna say things that people take out of context and it's really out of your control so I think it's up to you to just kind of be the best person you can be and say look if you see if these people don't get me and they want to make up who they think I am in their head by all means I'm not going to take time out of my day to change

a couple hundred people's minds. It's insane. - And finding acceptance in that is really all you need to find your peace in what you do. - Yeah, why do you care so fucking much about what you think about me? If you don't like me, go away. - You're not right. - Yeah. - It's so easy. - Do you feel like you portray a different persona online than you do in real life?

Online or on stage? Because I think it's two different answers. Online, I would say... Do you mean like things that I post or you mean like podcast presences? Maybe like podcast presence. It's a bit of both. It depends on the podcast. It depends on the situation because I'm a comedian. I'm a comedian. It's like I'm going to make jokes about things. Yeah. So it's...

I understand it can be confusing sometimes. People might not know if I'm joking or not, but also just fucking, just assume I am. Just do that. Assume I'm joking first. Yeah. How about that? Yeah. I mean, I'm definitely, I think it depends on the subject we're talking about. Like if it's something like cancel culture or defending relationships or something like that, then it's like, yeah, I'm going to be myself. I'm going to be upfront about how I feel about certain things. But ultimately, like I just, I'm just here to have a good time. What's your gas station order? My gas station order? Ooh. Yeah.

I have a Tesla. I haven't been in a gas station in so long. Really, really subtle flex. You know your gas station order. I don't. You walk in a 7-Eleven. What's talking to you? I'm a pastry kind of guy. So maybe a donut. Maybe like some ho-hos or something like that. Oh, wow. Zebra cakes maybe. Fudge rounds. Cosmic brownie. A honey bun. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I was trying to go through the fucking fan questions. Go for it. No, that was like literally.

That was one of them? That was one of them. That's hilarious. No, but it's 90% things that I'm physically just not inclined to ask you. You know what I mean? You can ask and I can pass. No, you would pass for sure. Yeah, you'd pass. Fire away. But a lot of people want to know if you've ever fucked a fan. I've never fucked a fan. Yeah. Would you ever fuck a fan? Have you ever dated a fan? I don't think so. I mean, it's...

i don't know i don't you're in atlanta georgia you've been there for three nights you're first of all that would never happen if they'll drive me out of atlanta i'll whoever absolutely anybody yeah uh i don't i don't i don't it's a weird question because i don't really consider people like

Like just because you come to a show doesn't mean you're like. No, don't get all fucking weird and humble on this. No, because like you're still a fucking person. You know what I mean? I don't. Unless you're coming up to me and you're like, oh my God. Oh my God. Like that's like fan energy. You know what I mean? But like an attendee of one of your shows. Have you ever been like stopped by the Marriott down the street after? No.

Do you stay in nice hotels or do you not? It depends. It depends on if I treat myself, I guess. But on average on tour, are you more likely to be at a Marriott Bonvoy 30 minutes out? Yeah, more likely. We just kind of realized that. We did a show in Phoenix and we're going to do a canceled tour. And we were like, let's stay at the W, blah, blah, blah. We come back and I'm like, okay, I think I spent...

We spent probably more than we made on like a nice ass room and I have to humble back down. I couldn't care less. Like my, my tour routine is so boring and not exciting. Like people think because I have a massive fan base, that's a very popular question. Like, well, I'm sure you folks, so many girls on the road. Yeah.

I really don't. I literally go, I'll do two shows, now it's 1:00 a.m. when I leave the comedy club, I have to go home, probably edit for an hour, send it to my other editor to go over something, send it back to me. By that time I'm so high and tired that I'm like, I'm good.

Yeah, I have to I have to work I'm I'm in such a very blessed position right now to be as busy as I am I just want to focus on that. That's like you're I feel like you are the outlier though I feel like most male touring acts at some point get kind of lost in the sauce and Understandable and I get it. I totally get especially when you're not used to getting that kind of attention, dude. I

And I can't imagine. I feel like that's the big difference, though. I feel like a lot of comics are, like, maybe they're not as, like, conventionally attractive. So, like, them being popular and stuff is, like, what gets the girl in the room. Yeah. Oh, that makes sense. Whereas, like, I don't think you really struggle, maybe. I'm saying it right now, like, the only reason that I think that I have maybe never fucked a fan...

You fucked a fan. I mean, maybe like inadvertently, you know what I mean? Maybe they were low key, but it's because we don't have a guy fan base. Like we're going to do a show to 90% women and like the 10% boyfriends that got dragged at gunpoint to come. Wow. We have the exact same audience. That's crazy. Wow. That's great. So there's not much to work with, but if I walked out and it was a crowd of sexy sexies,

Like sexy men. Oh, that's true. You have a full female audience too, mostly, right? Yeah. Are you ever like... It's slowly starting to even out a little bit. Like around like August, September of last year when things started like to kind of pop off, it was like 90% women, 10% guys. Now we're closer to probably a...

at least like a 75, 25, I would say. It's getting a little bit better. Yeah. Cause you, you never quite know. Same for you guys with guy. Like if you have guy fans, straight guy fans, you have to wonder a little bit. Do they like me? Because what I'm talking about in the content I'm creating, do they just want to fuck me? Absolutely. So it's like whenever I have a guy fan, I know it's genuine. Like they, they appreciate my comedy. I don't have to question it at all. Yeah. And that to me, it, it, it feeds,

The I guess confidence and that you need to be able to perform. Absolutely. Yeah, I agree 100% That's that is one thing that I feel very lucky but I'm also but I'm also so thankful for having a female fan base because no but nobody supports harder than female fan bases If they believe in you like they will they will help push. Yeah, I love that. I do I agree with that 100% It's like the boy band effect

But they also turn on you faster than anybody else. So that's kind of the middle ground that I'm trying to even it out a little bit. He hates you. No, I love women. I just want them to not yell out to take off my pants during the show. That's all I want. That's so fair. Never again. The belt thing. You know what I mean? Well, you made a sign. It was different. Yeah.

- Yeah. - That was respectful. - Yeah, that's fair. - That was quiet. - That was really funny. - And you put in arts and crafts time. I appreciate that. - Would you do anything else? Would you trade this life to be doing anything else? - Or what would you be doing if you weren't doing this? - Yeah.

Something with sports, I think. Really? I love sports. It was such a prominent part of my life growing up. I love boxing. So maybe something in that world. I love sports and it's something that you can kind of learn at any point in your life. Would you ever hit a crossover? Like a comedian ex-boxer?

Maybe I suppose but I'm not into the whole like influencers fighting each other thing either so And I also I also don't want to neglect I have friends of mine who are professional boxers that I highly respect so I don't want to be that person like there's nothing more annoying than when I meet somebody who doesn't do anything in entertainment and they're like I could do comedy first year I'm not gonna pretend like I said here but oh I'd be an amazing professional boxer because I know people who really do it and I'm nowhere close to that but it's something that I think would be a lot of I think it'd be a lot of fun and

And I like physical demanding activities, like training and like training for a sport or something. That to me is fun and very fulfilling. And it's similar to stand up in that it's just you. It's only me on stage versus like it's you versus one person in the ring. It's very self-dependent. And I think that's kind of cool and appealing. I was talking about that last night. Who would I fight? Yeah. If you had to. Who do you hate? Come on. That's the thing. I don't really hate anybody. Here's a very...

humbling experience that I've sorry, I guess epiphany that I've had recently and that because so many fucking people hate me for really no reason and it really made me realize that like people only hate somebody they're jealous of and I've been I've been guilty of hating people and when I really sat back and thought about it was because I was jealous of where that person was in their life I thought like maybe they got an opportunity that I should have gotten so now that I'm doing so much better for myself. I

I don't have that energy towards anybody. I really don't. Like I'm happy and very lucky to be where I'm at right now. So I don't have like a beef with anybody. If I was gonna fight somebody, it might be like,

i don't know maybe like will smith or something he seemed to have a good right hook right oh my gosh yeah i mean i just think no i love will smith but i'm like hey if a he's in great shape it's a great competition and b he hit chris rock so i was like as part of the comedy community i feel like that's not about your guy that was a really really good well-rounded answer i'm trying to wrap my head around do you think people who hate osama bin laden are jealous of him

Yeah, of course, of course, they're mad that he wasn't the one calling the shots. Everyone wants to be the one with the remote Yeah, that's tough. There's a difference between hating and hating on someone. Yeah, no hating someone I think that person had to have done something to you but hating on is a lot of just jealousy It's it sucks. No a lot of it is for sure

for sure. We've all been there. Everybody's been jealous of somebody. For sure. I'm a jealous person. Oh my God, I'm such a jealous person. I'm not so much anymore. I was trying to watch Brianna Chicken Fry on Theo Vaughn. I literally can't. And it's funny because we just had Jeff on the episode and I was like, have you ever seen Pete Davidson's show? And he's like, I can't watch that because I'm gonna fucking kill myself that it's not me. Like, I'm from Staten Island. I wanna be funny like this. Who is this? Our friend Jeff. Okay. And he...

was just going on and on and i was like jeff you're such a pussy like watch it whatever i can't watch brianna on theo because i'm like i i want to be in her shoes so bad i'm a jealous fucking ass bitch like i feel like he would have you for a podcast yes i'm sure you could get on his podcast he just had somebody else with way less followers i forget who it was i don't i mean i would love to obviously i am so weird like that i like i i'm crazy like

I get in my own head. I can have the most successful day, do my job so well. Life is going so good. And then I see something like that and I'm like, I am a failure. And I have to talk myself off a ledge. I'm supposed to do his podcast sometime in the next couple months. I just told you I want to kill myself. I have a question or conversation piece about that though. Like his podcast, everyone knows, he'll say the most ridiculous things on his podcast. He's literally said the N word on his podcast.

multiple times right nobody goes after him to try to cancel him nobody gets upset because everyone understands it's a joke this is a character this is his comedic character and the deal just doesn't give a fuck well I think he just found the perfect audience like he is uncancellable like they like he can say genuinely anything and that's honest there's a lot of people

That's what I'm trying to find. And that's why I've started to gear my comedy towards being so unapologetic because I want to find the group of people who doesn't get offended by shit. Who's just there. Everyone comes knowing, hey, we're going to hear some Atlanta shit. The same way your group chat and whatever group chat you're in would completely end all of your lives if it ever got leaked.

Right, I want my audience to feel like it's just one giant hangout Yeah and that is a that's a bigger part of the population than people think people who get sensitive and try to cancel everybody for every joke everything that gets said is the tiniest fucking percent of the world's population just the most vocal they're just the loudest and most annoying which is why we have to all get together and in this shit and tell one hey if you're unhappy about a joke and

fucking cry to yourself. It's not our responsibility to dictate how you feel. I like how passionate you are about this. I think you're gonna lead like- It's my entire fucking life. You're gonna lead like the Me Too movement for canceled culture.

I might have to. I believe in you. Not just water down the Me Too. I just think it's ridiculous. Yeah, let's not water down the Me Too movement, you know, but whatever. It's just such a prominent part of my life. Every day I wake up, it's something new. I think it all comes down to your intent. I think you can joke. There is not a single topic in the entire world you cannot make a joke about if it's done correctly. Can I ask you a random question? Sure. I've been doing that the whole podcast, Gas Station Order, Gay Son, Thought Daughter. Shoot. I feel like one of the biggest things you do with your crowd work is asking people their icks.

I used to be. Yeah. Perfect. I see a lot. So we're releasing a whole red flag special in like two weeks. We did an entire crowd work show in Miami. Oh, that's fine. December of this past year. Miami. Two people are the most amount of ridiculous red flags. I'm excited. So what was your question? I want to know your ex. I want to know your red flag. I want to know your ex, not your red flags. And I want you to get like,

Super, yeah, super, super like itemized with it. You're not going to like my response. No, I love it. I'm going to have to, it's not, I don't really have any specific ones. Like I hate to see a man chase a ping pong ball. Like I want something like that. How does he pick it up? I don't know. He just starts a new game. He should never have put himself in that position. He shouldn't have lost. He shouldn't have missed. You're right. 100%. What? Should have hit it back. Every single time. Like I don't want to see a man hiccup.

Hiccups are for the girls only. I'm sorry. Like you've got to have one.

- Lifestyle is the biggest turn off for me, honestly. Like I don't, I have no interest to be with a girl who's at the club every night. - That was such a woke answer. - I hate the club. - No, it's not a woke answer. It's just not, it's not the lifestyle for me. - But lifestyle, obviously you wanna be with someone where you like, I want, I just, I wanna hear, you know what I mean? Like do you hate to see a girl like struggle to open a jar? - I don't mind that at all. I'm glad she needs me. - Like help her. - Yeah, 'cause that makes me feel needed. That's not an ick at all. A morning person?

It's a big for me. Please do. You can be a morning person, but don't make me start my day with you. Yeah, that's insane because I'm a terrible sleeper and I usually don't get to sleep to like four or five in the morning. I have crippling insomnia. I saw you talking about that on Whitney. So bad. Yeah. So somebody who's like, no, I wake up at 9 a.m. So don't you want to like start your day with me? Yeah. So like selfish to me. 9 a.m. is my 6 a.m.

Sincerely. If I'm up at 9 a.m., I'm like, oh, I'm going to get so much accomplished. I'm up before everybody. Absolutely. Absolutely. And it's just like such a normal time. Have you always had really bad insomnia? Yeah, I think so. Have you found anything to fix it?

I smoke before bed. That's the only thing that gives me like a chance of getting some sleep. But no, melatonin, like magnesium, none of that Xanax. No, even Xanax. I can't sleep on. Really? I know it like was helping me with my insomnia for a little bit. And now I'm just up off the Xanax, like on hinge saying wild. I've only taken it a couple of times. I just I don't I don't want to take anything I can possibly get addicted to. You have an addictive personality?

- I can convince myself that I'm reliant on it, yeah. - Yeah. - I mean, I'm already that way with weed for sure. I mean, I won't even try to go to bed without weed. If I don't have weed to help me fall asleep, I'm like, I'm so fucked. There's not a chance. - What do you do when you travel to the out of country places? - I bring my pen with me still. - Really? - Yeah. - The time difference, does that affect you?

if you're in a place that i mean that definitely doesn't help i mean i've gone to multiple sleep doctors which is not a real thing for sure yeah um and every single one of them is like no you don't need prescribing anything you need a consistent sleep schedule like you don't understand that's never gonna happen not really sometimes i don't get off stage till 1am yeah then i have to

unwind till 4 a.m. and sometimes I have a flight at 5 a.m. so I have to be up at 4 a.m. to then I can't sleep on planes either so now I'm awake continuously through that night through the morning land do three more shows and now I'm on East Coast time zone and I'm getting off stage at 2 a.m. I would be on that stage like fuck you all

- Oh, it's, yeah, I'm dead a lot of the time, which is why-- - You're just gonna snap on a heck of a run. - Yeah, I don't know how you can still be sad. I'd be so horrible. - A lot of the times, that's kind of the fun thing about my job, though, is multiple times I'll be through, I'm getting my name called to walk on stage in front of a room full of a thousand people who wanted to see me.

And I'm just like, ah, dude, I don't want to do this at all right now. But then you get out there and you start having fun and you hit that adrenaline rush and you are actually enjoying yourself. But then that fucks you in return because that adrenaline rush keeps you up longer afterwards. Oh, absolutely. I've been like...

shaky, exhausted before where I'm like, dude, I can barely stand up and you go on stage, it completely goes away and then afterwards you're like, I have so much energy. But you know you don't. Your cortisol levels go so high that they like stay so high for a minute. Your cortisol? Cortisol is like what you release when you feel an extreme amount of adrenaline. Oh, I thought that's what they put in your lips. No, Juvederm.

Don't pretend you don't know. I didn't know. Do you think that that lifestyle is sustainable or do you think you're going to eventually crash and have to move to Wyoming? I think there's better ways to... I would definitely move to Wyoming. I love it there. I think it's sustainable with certain altercations to the lifestyle. I'm getting a tour bus in the fall because we're doing a gigantic theater run. It's way better. So that's going to be better. I'll be able to...

have a consistent bed that's mine every night and i can get off stage and immediately lay down i have to go back to a different hotel room unpack a bunch of stuff yes exactly so stuff like that i can stay in a nicer hotel i can i can take a more expensive direct flight rather than having to take two connections because that's all i can afford to get there so yeah i think

With things getting bigger and better, it'll open me up to a healthier version of that lifestyle. But unfortunately, that's kind of just how it is. You say all I can afford. Are you making, what are you making? How much money do you make? I'm going to buy my mom a house in September. I'll say that. I'm very excited about that. You're so good. That was like the most wholesome thing.

way to answer that and I loved it. That's, I'm very excited about that and she's very excited about it as well. I got her a car for Christmas and that was kind of like the first thing I ever did with any kind of money that I had. That's sweet. That's really fucking sweet. Thank you. I love that. Well, it's, you know, it's my property so it's still an investment or whatever. Yeah, absolutely. Genius. You know, it's so funny. So after I like,

I had called her on the phone one day talking about kind of things that are going on and money came up in the conversation and it was a very happy conversation obviously. And my mom was like, wow, so proud of you. And I was like, yeah, you know, I can't wait to buy you a house. That way you don't have to worry about any bills. You already have a car. Like you're good. You can just live your life now. And she was like, oh, you know, thank you so much. Blah, blah, blah. Week goes by. She calls me and she goes, did you get the link that I sent you?

- She sent you a fucking Zillow link? - She goes, I emailed you a Zillow link. I go, let me check it out. It was for a nine bedroom, $3 million house. I was like, are you out of your fucking mind? - No, but me. - I go, you don't even know nine people. Who's gonna live in this house? - If I can't milk the shit out of my kids one day like that, damn, I didn't know. - Look, I already spoiled my mom. I got her a dog. I got her a car. I'm getting her a house. I was like, nine bedrooms? - Well, I mean, are you,

you know, you don't have two parents to spoil. I sure don't. So like, it's all going into one. I'm not going to have any if she keeps it up. I swear to God. It's...

I couldn't believe it. I mean, I love that she shoots for the stars, but my mom is the most simple person. Like she, she has no hobbies, no interests. I'm like, you don't need all of this extravagant stuff. Cause you're not going to use it. You're not going to. Just wait till you start finding her new hobbies. My mom calls me the other day. She goes, or she texts me. She goes, would you want to sponsor my gardening? I go, no.

I don't really want to sponsor anything that I'm not already sponsoring. Sponsor. Sponsors. No, she responds. She goes, okay, dirty look. I'm like. She gave you side eye. Yeah, no, full dirty look. I'm like.

Have you not taken enough? She's not gardening. She's not gardening. The woman is not gardening. She might be growing something. Growing weed, yeah. Yeah, but it ain't lavender, you know. I do think I'll spoil my mom more, though, because, like, my grandpa just passed away after this past Thanksgiving. And that was, like, my best friend in the world. And, like, I had all these –

all these things I wanted to do for him. I wanted to get him like the Harley Davidson motorcycle of his dreams. He'd never really been to like any states across the country and never been out of the country. So I wanted to take him to like go see some of his favorite bands. I wanted to take him on like a world tour to show him all these kinds of things. And I never got to do that. So I think my mom will reap the benefits of like wanting to spoil somebody while I can. Yeah. And my sister will probably get some of that as well. She's about to have her second kid. I saw your grandpa, your bit about

you got him like a flashlight for Christmas or something like that. - Yeah, two of them. - And that was like, it's one of my favorite bits of yours. It's incredible how much you like loved him. - Thank you, thank you. - Have you seen the new special? - I don't think so. - That is the new one. - Oh, is it? - Mm-hmm. - I don't know. - I went to a show of yours and saw it. - I'm glad you guys did your research. - I went to a show of yours and saw it. - I've seen the special. - Yeah.

oh you saw what it came out actually i'm a true fan yeah you really are how sweet i think i may have done that bit at the show you came to like the first one i think um my mom actually was having to like clean out his house before they could sell it after he passed away and she found this giant box in the top of his closet like all these old porn magazines and new fear vhs's and cassette tapes and she was like i'm like nervous to even throw it away and i was like do not

dare throw it away. Oh, that's yours. She's going to send it to me and I want to do an unboxing video on YouTube. That's so incredible. Did you find the flashlight in your house next to your office? No, the flashlight was gone. You've got to put it in a glass case. The flashlight was gone, unfortunately. You guys should go with me.

You know they should have cremated him with it because he really did and they cremated him with like funny things like he had a flip phone for Up until like the last year of his life. They cremated him with his flip phone Like apparently you can do that like very special small items you can do that. Oh, I want to be cremated with I'm being cremated with this in my hand 100% I'm so sick of you

I don't even think it'll burn. Metal? If it's hot enough. I don't know how hot it has to be. I think it has to be really hot. How hot do you have to be to melt a body? Fahrenheit 251. Is that really the answer? Oh, no. Fahrenheit 451. That's books. They burn books. Oh. In Fahrenheit. You didn't read that. You had to have read that in school. Ari keeps reading books that are like that. Like Fahrenheit 451. Like Tom Sawyer. Do you ever ask someone their favorite book and they're like Huckleberry Finn? And you're like...

Yeah, like you did not read that on purpose. I do love The Outsiders. I'm trying to think of what the last book was that I read. Not a reader? I am, but very weird things. I love like Stephen King books and I love history books. So like the most fiction and the most true. Okay. Yeah. I'm like, I love history. Nerd. Well, Matt...

Tana. Thank you so much for coming on this episode of Cancelled. I think that you successfully weaved and dodged through everything. They'll find something. I don't think we can cancel you for anything on this episode, which makes me so sad. No, I'm sure they'll take something. Honestly, no. I'm about to get in the edit and chop and screw a bunch of words you said together. Like, I love Chris Brown. I'm buying him a house. He said he hates Asian people. You guys are the worst.