105: WHY PAIGE IS FINALLY QUITTING WORKING FOR TANA...
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Stop by a Warby Parker store near you. Hello and welcome back to the Canceled Podcast. Ooh, that one was good. That one's crushing it. Crisp. I felt it in my, never mind. In your ooshie-gooshie? My ooshie. And demonetized immediately. I have like the most insane set of the giggles right now. I'm trying to suppress them. I love when you have the giggles. It makes me have the giggles.

Okay I'm trying to like Have her airdrop them To me right now I need to get the gigs You're gonna get the gigs And the gags I believe in it Okay Okay I just want to apologize To the two of you right now For the first 20 minutes Of this podcast It's going to be about One thing and one thing only And that is Chelsea Handler Oh No please I love you

It's just I have to get all of this off my chest. First of all, I think I'm claircognizant. Huh? What? Like clairvoyant?

But claircognizant? Yes. It's like one step down. It's like baby clairvoyant. Because just things keep happening. And I'm going to get into like really what I'm thinking. I'm starting to think I'm psychic, which might mean I'm like teetering the line of like skits and you need to send me away. Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah. But see, like I knew that helicopter was coming. And I knew you were going to say that. And I knew I was going to miss the joke. Okay. Okay.

I love Chelsea Handler. Right? Like, I love her more than anything in the world. She is my idol. She's always been my idol. I grew up on her. Like, she really is. It's so different than, like, an Adam Sandler or a Justin Bieber to me. Like, it's like, she's my idol. You know what I mean? Yeah, because she's similar to you in a way. Like, you could, like, look up to her in that.

Like I could actually be this. Yes. Like whenever anyone's ever asked me like where I want my career to go normally, I don't really have an answer. But like the closest answer would be Chelsea Handler. Like I love her so much. And I think she just shaped who I am as a person. Like I grew up with Chelsea lately on in the house and that was like,

She just like my personality. I think everything that is my personality that has made me succeed has come from me being shaped by Chelsea Handler. This is all just like, I don't know, like a whole thing. I'm not even like a bookworm, but like Chelsea Handler drops a book. I'm reading it six times. Like I just, I love her so much. I do remember that book phase. Like we're reading that book like front to back six times a week. Like it's just life will be the death of me. It's her best book. But okay. Anyways. And even just lately in life,

Just the past couple weeks I've been more focused on her than like ever Like randomly a couple days ago too Like I sent Jordan a bitmoji And he like responded And he said something about Chelsea Handler And he's always just like compared me to her And like whatever I've been on a lot of calls about my book So I've been like really referencing her Like a lot on these calls lately Like whatever And we're in Vegas I was supposed to fly home on Sunday at 2 p.m. And the night before I texted Paige And I was like hey can you move At 5 a.m.

The night before It was 5am Oh man Sober too It's just crazy But I text you And I'm like Hey can you just Move my flight to later I don't pick my flight And like normally I feel like I will send you Like the flight I want to get on But it was like Giving lotto Like you just picked A fucking flight And like I ended up getting on it Like whatever

And I woke up yesterday before my flight and the first video on my For You page was a video of Chelsea Handler. And like she hasn't been on my For You page in like weeks. And like it was the only TikTok I watched yesterday. Like I was just doing shit all day. And I sat there and I watched that TikTok in full and I just thought to myself, like, God, I really fucking love Chelsea Handler. Okay.

I pack my little shit and I gas it to the airport. And for some reason as well, and like, listen to how out of character this is for me. Okay. This is arguably the most out of character thing literally ever. But all day, I feel like you, I'm like in living in stress that I need to be early to this flight.

Oh yeah that's weird Something's going on Yeah Get her the meds Makoa like Literally said to me He was like This is so out of character For you Like and I'm like I'm rolling all my shit Hours before my flight Like

how out of character is that for me like I I've never seen you do that once literally in my entire four years and it's it's a jet suite so you really only have to be there like 30 minutes before but for some reason I'm just like airport traffic it's stressing me out that never stresses me out I'm like holiday traffic I'm like I have to be so early and so I pull up to this flight and I'm the only person in the jet suite airport I am earlier than absolutely everyone on this flight I'm sitting there I'm twiddling my thumbs staring at the fucking wall like I'm in

jail like and I'm like why like why did I do this to myself you know what I mean and I'm sitting there I'm doing my thing and I'm I can't I'm like I really can't I'm like so flustered about it after like 20 minutes go by a few people shuffle in and I look up and like 10 feet from me

Is Chelsea fucking Handler And she's like She's so close to me She's like Where like Bebe would be Like in that chair No Like from me And I would know That woman anywhere Like McCullough was saying Like he didn't recognize her He doesn't know who she is Like to anyone else It's just kind of like A blonde woman How could you not know Who she is? I didn't even have I know

I didn't even have to look at her face for more than 10 seconds. I was like that. Oh my God. And I don't ever act like this either. Like I literally was like fangirling. Yes. Like I grabbed Makoa. I'm like out of my own body. I'm like, oh my fucking God. Like,

I just, I can't believe it. Like, what are the fucking odds? And like you having changed my flight, I wouldn't have picked that flight. I think that's like, I'm like, maybe I'm the clairvoyant here. I just, I wouldn't have picked that flight. I would have picked a 7 p.m. flight. I would not have picked that flight. And I'm like, what are the fucking odds? And it's like the only flight leaving. So I'm like, we're on the same fucking flight. I'm about to be on the same fucking flight as Chelsea Handler. And I'm like, I'm losing my mind.

And so I'm like, I have to walk outside. Like I can't even like be in the same room as her right now. I need to gather my thoughts. Like I'm not going to be okay. McCall was like, do you want me to come with you? I'm like, no, I literally need to be alone. You're typing up like an Adam Sandler note part two. I literally thought about saying that to her. I swear to God. I was like, I could just repurpose this. I walk outside. I start immediately bawling. Like I'm like, I cannot believe it. Like hysterical. She's like, and my flight's not for another 20.

minutes. I was like, yeah, that's usually when you get there. You're like, and? I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm like, oh my God. And I'm just like coming to the conclusion that like, I can't say anything to her. Like, I don't know what to say. No. Like, I just, I don't, because it's like, like, I love my fans so much and I love that they come up to me, but I also...

Can respect and understand That there are people like that And I don't want to be like Parasocial with Chelsea Handler At all But like She is like Like One of the main reasons I'm such a stan of her Is because she's like That bitch Like she's scary Like she's You know what I mean Yeah And I'm just like

She's so in her zone on her phone and I'm just I'm trying to think of what I'm going to say to her. And then there are there is one more flight. So now I'm like, what if she's on a different flight than me? And this is my only opportunity. And I'm just like, I'm sitting there. I'm trying to figure out what to say. And it's just like she's heard it all before. And like, I just I couldn't.

Think of what to say That like You know what I mean That just But it is so crazy That like the universe Put this thing right In your path And you still didn't Act on it It was like Right there in front of you Yeah and imagine If the universe was like Damn bitch I gave you one shot Yeah like Sitting

five feet away from you it's like dangling the carrot all you have to do is just bite I know but then it's I just genuinely and I don't know her so it's like maybe I'm completely wrong but I just feel like there was anything I would say she would just say thank you and I would walk over and I would sit back down like she doesn't know who I am and it like it just it didn't feel like the moment and I also feel like it's like a Sunday after the holidays in Vegas you're traveling like what if she was just in her own zone right I guess but then it's almost like

More peace of mind for you If you did do it Because it's like Even if you didn't get The reaction from her That you wanted It's like at least I did it At least I said it And if it's that like Oh she doesn't know you It's like she's not gonna Really like she's not Gonna see you again And be like oh that's The girl who talked To me on the flight That's what I'm saying

Like if I ever ran into her again, like that. No, I think that's comforting. It's like, oh, she won't even remember this anyway. Yeah. But I had the interaction gone because I obviously I'm sitting there and I'm playing out how this interaction can go a thousand times over. And like had it gone the negative ways, I'm realizing like if I walked up to Adam Sandler and he told me to fuck off, like I think I could stomach that. Like because it's different. I love his movies more.

I didn't realize that until yesterday. Like, yes, it would hurt and I would make a whole to do on the podcast about it. And like, you know what I mean? But like if Chelsea Handler told me to fuck off, like I would have to quit my job and Hollywood and everything. She means too much to me. I get that. You know what's so crazy? I was just the other night when I was falling asleep. It was probably the same fucking night. I had like a YouTube podcast up and there was this like

therapist and she was talking about in anxiety there's a five second rule right and anything that you want to do you have to act on in five seconds or less because by the time you're over five seconds that's when you start to think about like the what ifs and you start to like trick yourself can I tell you something that would ruin my life laughing

supposed to help so it's like i were to act on something without thinking about i already do that as is but at least no at least a good 20 seconds like no but it's after that five seconds that you start to like do the self-doubting thing so it's like if you had just act acted on it like in that time frame you would have done it not even thought twice about it but the longer that you wait the more you keep like psyching yourself out and like mulling shit over you're right and i

I think that's amazing advice for the average anxious bitch. But like for me, like people would be dead if I lived by that. But anyway, so I just I get to this point where I play out every scenario and I just she's sitting there in the airport and like I just I don't want to do it. Right. And so then I realized the flight starts boarding and she's on my flight. Oh, and I'm like, holy fucking shit. Like I have the opportunity. Like, I don't know. Like maybe I'll say something on this plane, like when we deboard, whatever. Right.

I make myself the last person on this. Like, cause I'm freaking the actual fuck out. I've never felt like this in my entire life, by the way, like over anyone, like even Bieber, like even us being in the same room as Adam at the people's, it was so different. Like I've never felt closer to my fans either because it's like,

Anyone else I'm a fan of, it's very different. Like the things I would say, like I love your work or whatever. Like I really, the things that people come up to me and say is what I would say to her. Like you fucking raised me. Like you made me the person I am. And it's not like I'm a fan of her because of like a great movie. I'm a fan of her because of her and her inner thoughts. I know her fucking dog's names. Like I know everything about her. You know, and it was just, I don't know. And we get on this flight and it is a 20 person flight.

And she is sitting in jet suite planes. It's like, well, you know how it's one row that's singular. So it's like one, it's like one whole row of singular seats. And then there's a tiny little aisle and then there's two seats. So it's like one aisle, two, three. You know what I mean? She is in four a, and I look down at my fucking boarding pass and I am in four B. At this point, I'm like, the universe is pissed off at you because they're like, they're like three.

times in a row literally i've given her this opportunity and she's just blowing it i know like next time you're gonna like spill your drink on her i know i know but and so i sit down in my fucking seat i'm for b i kid you not like you and me are further than like her and i were like this aisle is so small she is literally like this like actually this much space she is in 4a and i'm in four fucking b and i'm just sitting there and i'm like

Thank my biggest flex is that my peripheral vision is so amazing. Like I can see what Aaron's doing right now. Like I'm sitting there and I'm just like watching her in my peripheral. I'm freaking the fuck out and I'm trying to figure out what to say, but she's just, she's sunglasses on. She's on her phone. Like we get up in the air and I would have airdropped something to her.

But see no Because it's like That's so violating But then say it was an accident It's like oh my god I'm so sorry Are you iPhone 42? It's like How did I not So good How did I not think But I wouldn't have done it I honestly wouldn't have And then we take off And it's a night flight So the plane is like Pitch fucking black Right And so I'm like I'm not about to fucking turn to her She's like taking photos Of the sphere And sending it to someone My peripheral was so good I'm so creepy And

I'm just sitting there and I don't go on my phone one time. Like think about how out of character this is. I'm sitting there just holding my breath. I'm honestly going to full transparency. I chewed a fucking Xanax. Like I was losing my- To muster up the courage. I'm sitting there shaking. Chewing is crazy. Shaking. Yeah.

I'm seizing. Like, I'm shaking, trembling. Like, I've never felt like this in my entire life. Makoa's like, are you good? No, I keep crying. Like, I literally keep tearing up. I don't know what to do. I'm losing it. And I sit there the entire flight just staring into the distance trying to figure out what the fuck to say to her. I'm texting Whitney Cummings. I'm like, Whitney, what do I fucking do? But even Whitney was saying, like...

Chelsea is scary. I like, you know what I mean? Like do it. And she's amazing. Like say something, but like, I don't, you might not like get the response that you wanted. Yeah. I do completely understand why you were apprehensive, but also just like, Oh, I wish you did just for like all of us. She doesn't order a drink. She doesn't order food. She's in her own zone. We're in the pitch black. I can't figure out what to fucking say, but I'm like, is this fate? Like I've, I've prayed my whole life for this. Like I really have like,

Like if you told me yesterday, literally if you told me yesterday morning, like you are going to sit down on a flight with Chelsea Handler and say absolutely nothing to her, I would beat the shit. I would beat the...

The ever living fuck I would curb stomp That version of myself I really would Well yeah you were texting me You're like what do I do What do I say I'm like Tana go fucking talk to her Say something I said the same thing That's gonna eat you alive If you don't I just But I couldn't figure out What to say Yeah And she genuinely I felt like I have hours of things to say Or nothing to say Do you know what I mean And it's just like I could She just seemed so At one point You guys at one point

She sneezed. And I'm sitting, swearing. Debating. No, I'm trying to say the words bless you and I'm like. Just barking at her.

I literally just bled a little. I couldn't even muster out bless you. No. Like I couldn't even say bless you. Like, and it's just like, where is 16 year old me that would like go up to like the rock and fucking chest bump him. You would have, you would have asked her to like be a part of TanaCon. 100%. Where is drunk me? Who would have been like, you're my best friend. You're coming to post it. I was hoping.

You want to go to Italy? Come on. Oh, you need to... I almost texted you that. I almost said relapse. No, I literally debated it. Makoa ordered a fucking scotch and coke. And I was... No, I swear to God, I have never been so close to a fucking relapse. Like, I just... And I was just trying... There's so many stories that, like, she's told that, like, are about flights. I'm trying to think of, like... Like, there's this story Chelsea Handler told in one of her books where...

She was flying with her dog across the country for like a holiday. And the dog starts freaking the fuck out on the plane. And so she has dog Xanax to give to the dog. And she gives the dog a dog Xanax. But then she takes the dog Xanax too. And she like goes home for the holiday and the whole holiday weekend. She's with her family and she's just barred out on dog Xanax. And I like, I almost like brought that up. Like what? But I'm like, that's just so creepy. Like I just, I couldn't.

Yeah it's like Of all the Instead of just high You're like Actually I remember That one story You told me She's like Okay super fan freak No literally Like I'm her biggest She's my idol And then Yeah I mean She gets off the plane I'm so sad about it You like act like the sort of No no no I really I really truthfully believe The universe is gonna Bring you back to her But I think it is gonna be You're gonna be Not regret this Cause I feel like It's gonna be in a setting Where it's like We're with Whitney Or something And she'd be like Oh this is

I truly, truly hope one day I can tell her this story. She'll see this. I'm going to send it to her. On her email. I left and I got in that Uber and I literally just uncontrollably sobbed. The entire car ride home, I was like heaving. Like so sad. It's so valid though. Yeah. And I'm really so sad, but I just, I couldn't, I couldn't think of what to say. I like, I didn't know what to say. I also think there's like,

such a part of me that's like I don't want to meet my idols like if I were next to Taylor Swift on a plane I don't even think I would say anything I would do what you did I think I would sit there and just be like holy fuck holy fuck like internally freaking out and I wouldn't say a peep because what you're saying is like you would never have this reaction to anybody and I find so much value in being a fan I love to be a fan I love to feel that and like it's almost like the second you meet somebody like the magic almost goes away I don't think that wouldn't have necessarily happened here but it's like like you said I'd rather just like pretend it never happened

I was saying that to Makoa last night that it's almost like it made me almost never want to meet Adam Sandler. Like it's like it's nice to have that.

like fan girl feeling like whatever you know what I mean I thought I would never have the opportunity to potentially even meet her like it is nice to just have that feeling I don't it just like I think everything happens for a reason and like that you can argue that that was fate and that was my moment but it's just I had to go with my gut and my gut didn't feel like it was like the right time to say anything like and maybe I will die and like regret it there wasn't anything to say and she was just like

So in her own zone And I just didn't want To fucking bother her And like I don't know I just like This is what I will say If you see this bitch again She's not a bitch I love you so much Tulsi If you see this woman again And you don't say something Then You have to just die I just like Yeah

I would kill myself. I really do think the universe is going to bring you back to her. I really do. I think you're going to be a Bravo toast one day and she's going to be there and you're going to have to say something. But even then I would, I was really thinking like, okay, if it's a Whitney's house moment or like a Tim Dillon's house moment or like if it's a moment where it's right, but it's like, I just couldn't,

I don't know. Like, be that person. I don't know how she feels about people coming up to her and especially just during traveling and like... Yeah, that's a tough time. What if it was like, remember when we did the same venue as Jerry Seinfeld on the same night? Yeah. Like, what if it was like that? Maybe. Because then it's like, oh, she knows like you're doing a show and like maybe she's more like, oh, like...

This person probably looks up to you. Everyone that was giving me advice because I was texting everyone. It was so weird. I went to text Jordan and his last text to me was about Chelsea Handler. And I was like, this is so weird. Like I was texting everyone for advice and a lot of people were saying, go up to her and tell her you have a really big podcast and like whatever. And I'm like, I'm not fucking doing that. Like I'm that bitch's son. Like, you know what I mean? Like I'm sunned by Chelsea Handler. Like I'm like, it's like, I wouldn't have this podcast if it wasn't for her. I wouldn't be, I just, I don't know.

The domino effect of it all is so fucking weird. I know. So weird. Like missing the flight, like texting me at 5 a.m. to rebook it. Like what are the odds?

It's so we and like that that being the only video I watched of her that day and like how much I've been talking about her recently I've also like just back to my clear cognizance and then I'll literally like shut the fuck up seriously I've been having this reoccurring dream that I get cast in this movie by this specific network to play a stripper right like in I keep having this dream and I've like never had this dream before and

And I like over and over again, and I've like woken up from it several times. I told McCall, I was like, I keep having this dream. And you know how I feel about acting. I don't act like whatever. And I get this call like a couple days ago asking me to be in a movie essentially by this network that I've been like having this dream about with these like actresses that I love to play a stripper. So fucking crazy. Yeah, you are. I think that's just clairvoyant. This shit happens to you like all

On a minor level too. I feel like just randomly. I like. I'm always dreaming something. And then it like completely happens. Or I'm just thinking about something. And it completely happens. And it's so weird. But like what are the odds. That I'm having this specific ass dream. That I'm cast in this movie. By this specific company. To play this specific role. And then I like. I keep having this dream. And then I get the call. Yeah. That is so crazy. God I want you to get that so bad. I just want to go on record really quickly. And say that I have been having dreams. About Alex Earl getting on Dancing with the Stars. And if you.

If she's on this season Mark my words I said it first We're rebranding the podcast To a psychic podcast I'm not kidding I really like I feel like I'm having premonitions It's so weird

That is crazy. I could completely see her doing that. Oh my God. That's like, I think the reason I'm just sitting here like this is because I'm just so jealous. Like, and I don't want to feel jealous of you, but I love her. Like Chelsea lately, I was literally up all night watching Chelsea lately. Like she's just the fucking best. I've watched her architectural digest like a million times. And that's how I decided like she probably wouldn't like me because she's literally like

She's like my nephews live here I hate them Like It's just that's That being her energy Exactly I just didn't want to be that person And I love that about her That's my favorite thing about her But I just like Oh this little fucking blonde bitch Like sitting next to me on a flight I want to be just like you Like I can see her making so much fun of that You become like her next skit Yeah like oh my Well that would just be an honor Even when we were at the ranch A couple days ago

Someone at the ranch was named Chewy and I went on this whole tangent to you about how Chelsea Handler had a co-host named Chewy for so long. Like I've been talking about her so much more than... I actually referenced her recently too because she has a bit about Bernie's Mountain Dogs and how she has a Bernie's Mountain Dog but she had to buy a used...

Bernice Mountain Dog Because celebrities Are not allowed To have designer dogs Because you have to Adopt a dog Yeah I'm like that's so Relatable because now I have a designer cat And everybody's like Mom shamming me about it Like I can't believe You got a cat from a breeder And I'm like it really It really is Like people really Do get really mad about that They do She was right Yeah Had to get one used I keep bleeding I thought I found a used one But apparently not

I'm bleeding too.

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Like do you think She was looking at you She's for sure Seen you before Probably No And she was so in her own zone I don't even think She looked at me once Like me and my peripheral Like and just I don't think She looked at me one time Like cause if we made Eye contact too Maybe that would've been Like a something Yeah maybe you would've Like I think I literally If we made eye contact Probably would've been like You know Yeah I sometimes do that To people If I see them And I love them I'm just like

Yeah throw like a Like so then it's like You didn't bother them But they like You acknowledge them And they probably feel good about it Yeah like I would have It just Did she didn't look up We didn't make eye contact God sent Chelsea Handler To Tana on a flight And sent me Chris D'Elia On a flight Like I'm just hurt

What did I do? Don't answer that. Have we ever talked about that? Like we flew on the same flight as Chris D'Elia and we're all sitting there holding Snapchat to our head. And it says like, we're canceled too. I had a sign that was like, meet me in the bathroom in five. I forgot. We were all on that flight just fucking with Chris D'Elia. But that was weird because like we were all going to like somewhere so random.

Yeah it was like It was like Milwaukee And it's like What is he doing And it was like We were flying out of like Texas It's like what is he doing Going from Texas to Milwaukee Probably the same thing we are I just thought about Another premonition That happened to me in Vegas That I need to talk about Because I've been meaning To tell you about this So I've You guys can cut me off At any point No I'm loving it

I love this movie. I'm serious. So I've been in Vegas a lot, right? This was not this past year, but it was the trip before that. I went and played in another celebrity poker tournament. Played like ass, by the way. Might need a new fucking hobby. I'm serious. Like it was one of those where I felt like an athlete and I walked around and I was like, bad game out there on the field. Like it wasn't even like luck. You're just like the water boy now. It wasn't, yeah. It wasn't bad luck. Like it was dead ass luck.

Bench me Like my Like bad choices Letting Bryce Hall Whoop me too Like just tail between my legs Anyways We're at the tournament right And like a lot of people Go and don't play Like it's just open bar And like fucking Wagyu on plates Shit Okay You never told me that That's why everyone Comes and watches me Like my friends Aren't that supportive Like you know what I mean Like they're supportive But they come Maybe that's why your mom came Right Like to get the fucking Open bar and some food I'm not kidding And so um

Yeah, everyone just like goes and vibes like there's a lot of people not playing. And every time there is this guy there, right? And he kind of looks like a little baby mini Conor McGregor, okay? Little redhead, like weird dude, right? And people get blacked out because of the open bar. And he's always, this guy is just hammered.

Right. And he's always in a loop. Every time I see him, every single time he comes up to me and he tells me that he too went to Green Valley High School. Right. And then every single time I tell him, I'm like, oh, my God, like when did we go at the same time? Right. Like big high school. Like maybe we went and I just didn't know you. And then he tells me that he graduates 2010. And then every single time I tell him that I was in diapers.

You know what I mean When he was in high school Like we literally Didn't even fucking go At the same time At all And it's like we have this And then he's in a loop So he keeps telling me that Every single time And every single time We had the same conversation Where I'm like I didn't go I didn't go at the same time As you Go Gators No you know what You're supposed to do This is like talking To a person with dementia You practice different answers Until you get to this Like quickest result You start telling him You did not go to Green Valley He knows I did

He knows I did because he leads with it, right? And then every single time he asks me for a selfie and then I take the selfie and then he goes over to Amari and then he asks Amari if he can take a selfie with me even though he just took a selfie with me. And then Amari tells him like, sure, she's down for a photo. And then I take the second selfie every single time. And then he tries to introduce me and Amari every single time. Wait, are you saying this man is so hammered that he's like, he keeps doing this? Yes. I respect it. And honestly...

We've all been there. That's very true of me. But this happens every time as well. So it happens in a loop a million times, but it also happens every time. Every poker tournament. What's impressive is his consistency. For some reason. So I'll always take the selfie like a million times, but I get like a really bad vibe from this guy. Like really bad vibe. Like scary or just unsettling? I don't like nothing more. Like just a really bad vibe.

And for some reason this last time it was like way fucking worse. Like and he goes to ask me for the third selfie and every time normally I play into it and I just like I take the photo and I like whatever right. And for some reason in my mind this time my brain was just telling me like get the fuck away from this guy get the

Fuck away from this guy Now now now And you know how I am Yeah When like Yeah When I get one of those thoughts Like I act on it Almost too hard Like I grab my shit And immediately just Like mid him trying to do it I like run away I grab my shit I leave celebrity poker I leave Makoa behind I leave everyone I like run out of there Like I don't say bye to everyone Like normally I exit And say bye I say thank you Like whatever right

I leave immediately. That's just what my brain tells me to do. And I go to my room and like, I'm going to bleep the person's name I'm about to say, but like 20 minutes go by and I get a FaceTime call from all of my friends and everyone is freaking the fuck out. Okay. Everyone is freaking the fuck out. And apparently right after I left, he walks over to me.

And does the same exact thing. And then she like takes the photo. And then he asks her again. And she like doesn't want to take the photo. And he punches her in the stomach. He decks her in the fucking stomach. Like keeled over. Punches her in the fucking stomach. What? And like...

you're lying no i swear to god on the bible i swear to actual punches her in the stomach yeah the celebrity poker they call the cops they're asking if she wants to press charges like this whole fucking thing i have chills right now like i and i like knew something bad was going to happen and like that would have been me if it wasn't like you know what i mean god how crazy isn't that so weird who is he where did he come from no one knows

Like, no one knows. Does he have a connection to anybody? Is he playing in the tournament? No one knows. What the fuck? No one knows. That's so weird. How fucking weird is that? And then, of course, she's just being so funny. She doesn't care at all. She goes back to play poker. She thinks it's Conor McGregor. She's on this whole fucking tangent telling everyone that Conor McGregor punched her in the stomach. Mmm. Mmm. Dinner. Good eats. You're like, my compliments to the chef. Wait, what's on your hair?

What is that? It's like a dole sticker. It says 107788. Do you think that means something? Maybe. Hold on to it just in case. I have to hold on to this.

Because now what if something happens? See, I don't know if I'm schizo or if I'm psychic. I don't know what's going on. But that's crazy. You are clairvoyant. Honestly, can you tell me what's happening for me next? I just don't know how to explain that. I like get these feelings that like something's going to happen and then it happens. Do you think it's like, is it chicken and the egg? Is it like something bad happens because you think it's going to happen? Like maybe like.

I don't know. You like weirdly like manifest it? You know what's weird? Me and Tana were like having this whole conversation in my car the other day. And I was telling her that before I worked for her, before I even moved to LA, I knew who she was. I wasn't like a crazy big fan, but I was like, I'm going to work for Tana. And I knew it. It wasn't like a big thing. And I just like knew in my bones. I was like, I know I'm going to know her. And then sure as shit, we were talking about like,

The domino effect and everything that happened that led up to me working for her. But it was so wild. Like moving to L.A., I didn't have a job, car, suitcase, like nothing, no money. And then I end up getting paired up with my random roommates. I didn't know them. My roommate just so happened to know Kyla, like because she worked for Lana Rhodes. Like the series of events that led us together was so wild.

insane that it's like I I have to believe that it's fate because it can't be coincidence yeah I agree with that completely I really do it's so weird like even just like I would have had to

Jake who's brothers with Logan who's friends with Mike who was dating Lana Rhodes meet Lana Rhodes who would then know Olivia to then know you like how weird is that like the just the domino effect of my life my roommates were completely random I had never met them in my entire life that's and it just so happened I met my roommate Emily through my friend Nikki who I met out here like the series of events was just

Too crazy I like that though That makes it like More special It's like It does Like being Like with Being with a partner Aww

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I'm like, what? Like, what?

You're like, girl, more than okay. No, I'm like, yippee. No, I'm kidding. Yippee is crazy. No, but it's not. It is yippee. Because it's like, how long is she going to pack a suitcase for Vegas? That's what people don't understand is it's like, of course, all of the

They see the Just like the good They don't see like The dirty work Like they So much like Heavy just like work Yeah I've been telling everyone Like I think the average Lifespan for an assistant Is like a year To a year and a half I've Doubled it Like I've doubled that I've been February will be Four years of working for her Which is I remember you free Oh that's cute Which is just like I'm getting past My expiration date And like I've been talking To her about this Like we've been talking Like we know we need To hire someone new And it's like

Nothing, there is literally nothing bad. Everything's good. We're also like starting a company together. And like, I also think that there's like a world where you do like,

Like working with brands and shit But like you're done ordering blue vapes And I respect it I was saying to T too I was like it literally has nothing to do with you Kris Jenner could come knock on my door And be like I want you to be my assistant I'd be like I'm tapped out Like I'm just getting to the point Where it's like I want to

Have my own like time And like life back Because it's like Being an assistant My life revolves around her I'm with her every single day It's like I prioritize her And that's just the name Of the game of like Being an assistant Yeah you have to You're literally getting paid To run someone else's life Yeah And like that's tough I'm Tana 2.0 And then like I've just had moments Where like I step back And I'm like wait I just want to like Put more time into myself And be able to like Do my own things Mm-hmm

And I love you so much That you deserve that Like holding anyone hostage In something that's No longer fitting for them Especially someone That you love so much I love you Like You don't want to do it Well and I was saying Like I love her so much I would never leave her High and dry And just like Okay I'm quitting bye Like I want to make sure

She's set And she has someone That she can trust And is good To film my shoot You know what I think Needs to happen I think Yeah that's the problem Is they are Like it's like Such a It can't just be anybody Because we had so much Fun with you But I feel like We should all be sitting Like on a little panel And doing the interview process Like they have to do A little dance They have to Tell us how they would React in like

A, B, and C situations. Yeah. I don't think anyone will. That's why I was crying. I wasn't crying because I don't think I'll have a great new assistant. I think that the A, B, and C of the job can be done by a lot of people with experience. I think Kyla was an amazing assistant. I think Natalie was an amazing. Also two of my best friends still. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I don't think anyone will, I mean, obviously you're my best friend and my soulmate. I don't think anyone will ever have Paige's personality. Like the, Makoa always talks about this, like genuinely like the levity that you bring to like hard situations and the humor. Like that's why I was crying. Cause it's like, I'm going to be an hour long car rides with someone who is just

Never gonna be as Fucking funny as you You know We're also the same Where like if we're In a shitty situation And we're both miserable We're going to use humor Every single time To cope through it Yeah Like we're cracking Our best jokes When we are like Peak misery I agree And that's a hard Trait to find For sure Like it's just

Yeah. It is so funny. We were like, I'm excited for you to spread your wings and fly. Exactly. I fly to my house. Seriously. I'm bored. Yeah. I'll have time. I'll be over every day. No, but guys, I'm not dying. Like I'm not going anywhere. I'm always going to be around. Your TikToks right now are like, I'm getting like really insecure and not, I'm not kidding because it's like, I've never,

Never met someone Funnier than you Like the things That you think about No like I'm like How did she How did that come To her brain Ever It would have gone Everywhere but in here But some of like My best work I feel like doesn't get The recognition it deserves And it's always like My stupid TikToks Like I'm not even Thinking twice about You killed me with The Trojan horse The other day I'm like

That was like my best work. I got like three likes. Too smart for the room. No, you know what? And just wait. They'll notice you eventually. Like, I feel like they're going to come back and be like, this is the funniest person I've ever seen. You taught me about the Trojan horse. I didn't know anything about the Trojan horse until you. I didn't know it was the size of a 7-Eleven. Oh, I think I was like being a little facetious. Oh, it's not. It was big, though. So again, that's the problem with me. I was like, oh, my God, a 7-Eleven? Yeah.

And they, so they all just got in and they were like, yeah, we got to hide. Yeah. They like, and then we're going to pop out. The Greeks and the Trojans. I don't even want to bore everyone. Greeks and Trojans. Basically, Greeks get in big horse statue as like war peace offering. Trojans are like, fuck. Yeah, bring the horse in. They bring the horse into the city. And then at night, the Greeks all hop out of the horse and like kill everyone and win the war. Like that's so cool. That.

Canceled podcast history lesson. We do this all the time and never even one time have we been correct about anything. Oh, I'm probably so wrong. I was like editing the podcast last night and Makoa was in fucking tears at us trying to talk about people on the moon. Like I'm done. Oh, I know. I thought I thought I slayed. I was like, I was really trying to like spit facts at Tana. And I said, like Lance Armstrong landed on the moon. Who is the guy who literally had like the yellow? He had like testicular cancer. Yeah, he was the cyclist. Mm hmm.

And I don't know why I referenced the testicular cancer before the cycling. Cycling. No, but it was important. Like that was his claim to fame. Well, it was like, I just remember the yellow bracelets. That was like such a big deal. The guy with the ball cancer. Like he's literally like a fucking athlete. And like such an amazing one too. Yeah.

Holy fuck. I can't stop with my ball obsession, by the way. I've been begging Makoa to let me acrylic paint his balls as like pumpkins or something. Like I love balls. I know I just, I wrote it down to talk about again. I talked about it last week, but it's like Greg posted on his story last night. He's like, this is what I do for work. And it's just a video of us being like, yeah, I got teabagged this morning.

I think balls scare me I love them I just want to do this I love them so much when I'm really sad like from side to side you know what I'm saying like oh like what's that like like a little you know what I'm saying like a little stress ball yes like a stress ball I love balls I'm not gonna do it again but I'm just serious if I like paint McCullough's balls though everyone will be hearing about it what are you gonna paint him into well I'm just I'm adding that to like I'm

My new bit is like Things I want But he won't let me do I'm asking for For Christmas As a part of my Christmas gift Like I'm gonna put Mascara on him I'm gonna paint his balls Like I'm so He should make you Like a coupon book And like you You can use like Today I get to Tie your balls in a knot And paint them as a globe Like actually I'm not sure how fun Yeah that would be cool Did you Have you guys Well you're You'll appreciate this Did you know That if you were to Flatten out the earth And then draw a little Outline around it It makes a cat Wait I didn't know that I didn't know that

Wait, but I do love that. Uh-huh. I love that. That's cute. I have something that I'm dealing with right now that I can't tell if I can tell it without sounding like just an asshole. Okay? Story of my life. I have this girl that I was friends with in seventh grade. Okay? I went to like a K through eight school for only one year, seventh grade. And she was my friend. She was two years older than me. Like we hung out all the time, whatever, like really close at the time, but

One year Literally never saw her again Ever Okay Years later She's in prison with my mom Starts writing me letters About how like My mom's her prison mom It's like a It's a thing Whatever Years after that She's in prison with my sister Which is just a coincidence Like that I can't even believe That that's true But it is

She's like pregnant in prison with my sister. My sister's telling me all about her. And it's like just like a strange thing. I've never heard from this girl again. That's like a book title. What's that? What's that book writer who wrote like it ends with us? Colleen Hoover. Very Colleen Hoover. Pregnant in prison with my sister. Right. But she so I never saw her again. That was like that's all I knew of hers that she like ended up getting really badly into drugs, went to prison a bunch of times, whatever. And recently, well, like 2022, she started messaging me crazy on Facebook asking me for money. And I was like,

First of all, don't have any. Second of all, what do you mean? I haven't seen you since. You're also tapped out on your list of donors. Yeah, I'm good on my supporting of others. Thank you. Yeah. But she's like asking me for money. And so I'm just like ignoring her, obviously, because I'm like, what? I don't want to say no, but also like I haven't even seen you since seventh grade. Yeah, the Brooke-O-Wish Foundation is getting out of hand. And you guys, I'm not kidding. Now at this point, she sent me probably like

a hundred messages in a row like novels like you haven't even met my daughter yet I can't believe it she's five and you haven't even met her yet why would I have met her you know what I mean like I haven't I've only I haven't seen you since seventh grade and so then she reaches out she reaches out to my sister and sends my sister a novel and she's like Brooke will not talk to me now I don't know what what I did to her what is going on and stuff but in my head I'm like it's just like kind of like making me feel really weird like I don't want to you know what I mean like why would I yeah and

It's so bad. She's sending the line. She's sending my sister novels. She's sending me like, like the craziest voice memos like ever. And it's, they're so eerie. Like the sound of her voice. I almost like, I feel like it's mean to play, play it, but we can like warp it. We can like warp it. Cause I want to hear. Well, since you won't answer, I guess I'll just say happy birthday this way, bitch.

Like, it sounds like I'm joking. Like...

And it's so And it's just like It's so much Like it just like Never stops And she sent my sister All of those She kind of sounds like She's on drugs But it also If she's not It's just really creepy It's giving like Nora from iCarly She for sure is But then I'm sitting next to Bebe last night And she goes Do you know this person Turns over her phone And she's sending Bebe novels No Like I know Brooke's Your best friend Like she was my best friend Growing up And now she won't Talk to me and stuff And I'm like I haven't even seen you In 15 years Like

It's just like it's it's scaring me and I know it's like she probably just wants to talk or whatever but it's like like it's the entitlement like you haven't even met my daughter like no no no but it's like there's a psychological term for that like you know what I mean like where like you guys met in seventh grade but now she has this crazy attachment because she's seeing you online like it's that's there's a screw yeah and she's like I'm just trying to be a good sister like I'm just like really weirded out by and I'm like

Wait. I just feel like you're the type who's eventually going to like send her money or something. And I swear to God, if you come back here and you tell me that you cut that bitch a check, I'm going to square up on you. Like, do not respond. No, not this time. But like, oh God. You're going to like make plans to hang with her. Really unsettling. I've had my fair share of a stalker. But like even just like your neighbor, like you have such a weird thing with like,

that like have met you that do the weirdest shit. Like, yeah. And I have like a weird blind trust thing. Like, I don't know why I have like the opposite of what you have where I'm like, I'm never really hesitant. I don't know. I'm never afraid of people like doing me wrong or anything for some reason, even though like I have a lot of reason to believe they will. And I wish I had like any sort of like survival instinct at all. Like maybe you should avoid this person. But instead I'm like,

Can't block her like you're like what's the worst she can do yeah it's just awful strange yeah that's terrifying my list of topics is so funny it says it says her name and then it says mom shaming pap smear mouse ate a carrot bottom of my feet are cracked boob job what do any of these things mean talk to me about your pap smear my pap smear I wanted to talk about my pap smear and this is why okay because I just turned 28 a couple days ago and it

It was I am ashamed to admit this was my first ever pap smear which we are supposed to get them at 21 I was gonna say you're like damn near 10 years late I know well ask your friend here if she's sad about it she's the last to me right now this was your story I know but I'm just it's only because I don't want anybody out here any of the canceled girlies to get cervical cancer okay if you think about it Makoa's in there paping and smearing yeah he's pap smearing you um

But everybody made me so afraid of it. And everyone's like, it's painful. Like you can feel them scraping inside. I'm not even kidding. I hadn't. Maybe this says something about me, but I had no clue. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That she even pap smeared me. The clamp, the metal clamp. She didn't clamp me. No, no, no, no, no. They all. Yeah. When they stick the thing in and they crank your vag open, they go.

How open? I don't know. Open enough to like get in there. I've actually been trying to get looser. That's a whole thing. No, mine was like a, just a little, I'm pretty sure she just like stuck a swab in there. No, so what they do, they put the clamp in and then they open it and then they take the swab and scrape your cervix. I feel like I would have noticed that. Maybe you just got pap swabbed. No, I, cause I asked her, I mean, I paid for a pap smear and then I like, I had to get my blood drawn and it's a whole thing. Apparently my, like I have all sorts of issues, but it's because I thought I had a ovarian cyst.

and I'm still pretty convinced but I gotta get off WebMD yeah I know yeah oh my god but it wasn't hard what my point is stop telling people it's hard because you should go get one immediately oh no but I'm gonna be honest with the people I hate getting get it done but oh my god I hate it something about like the guy now and like the reproductive I just feel like we're at a point where we can be lightheaded my little legs were up I was

At the pink ceiling I was having It was so It was so sly Honestly I just feel like We're at the point Where there's gotta be At home kits Like we've got 23andme Like why can't we have There are There's like STD There's STD tests You can do at home And stuff I thought about that But then it's like I want to know Right in the moment I always go to this place Like same day health Because it's like They tell me the same day Like give me a Three times mirror A pair of Tweezerman tweezers And a cotton swab And I got this shit Like I I

I think it's kind of like take your best guess. Like you can pretty much infer like what's going on down there. Paige, you're going to love this. What? Oh, shut up. It's literally Murph. It looks just like her. That is Murph in his pocket. In the pocket. In the pocket. I want to get a second one. Name it Pork Chop. Okay, just be careful. Do not pick one up at the Grove. No, I would never. People still think I made that up.

Picking him up at the Grove? Yeah, they think I secretly bought him from a breeder and pretended I stumbled upon him. Which I, Loki get. Like, I get why you would think that. But buying a cat at the Grove is so you. Like, I can't express that. I have a question, though. And, like, I got, you know, people get really mad at you. Like, people are mad at me for buying a Bengal. But nobody gets mad at people for buying golden retrievers. And that's a dog from a breeder and, like, a purebred dog. That's true. I guess it just doesn't give, like,

You're right Like designer cats Usually they're like Unethical breeders and stuff So I understand it for sure Yeah I wanted to eat a Chihuahua so bad But I know I would get cooked So I'm just hoping one day I stumble upon one Well I really did stumble upon one But now it's funny Because the breeders They made me think Oh this is a once in a lifetime opportunity This is the last one He's so small He's so calm Lies

That's crazy. You see like 10 more at the Grove tomorrow. I'm pretty sure he was like sedated. No, there was one at the Grove the very next day. And I'm like, oh my God, I got absolutely got. I got got. But then it's funny because they follow me on, or I get their TikToks all day. Their account is foreign bangles. Stop. And I'm not kidding. Like, like Mouse used to be a trapper. Like there's like videos of him, like on top of Lamborghinis and stuff, like with his little, I'm like, I'm like, oh fuck. Like they, they honestly ate me up. Like I want a hundred percent. This was not a good idea. Yeah.

He's so cute. And he almost dies every day. Have you been... Should we talk about Butterball Turkey Gate? What's that? You don't know about Butterball Turkey Gate? No. What happened? The employees are fucking the turkeys. Workers at the Butterball Turkey Factory got caught up dicking down the turkeys. Essaying the turkeys. Why is that not even like the... Like I almost am like...

Yeah No Men Yeah Like honestly yeah I think that's what it is Like it's like that You say Oh a man got caught Fucking a turkey And I'm like Sounds about right That's so fair No offense Erin

I'm not fucking turkeys. I know, but you're a man. They're fucking turkeys. They're fucking couch cushions. Honestly, I'm not going to lie. You told me that you fucked a couch cushion. I'm not fucking turkeys, though. It was a throw pillow, actually, but you burnt a hole in it. Nobody here forgot about that.

yeah but turkeys is crazy dude i was like telling all my guys i draw the line the turkeys is definitely where i fucking draw the line and that's like it's dead so what is that what do they call that no no no like the live turkey oh what i thought they were fucking the the the butter balls like the wait you can't fuck a live tur no no they they like this is sad i don't want to say finger but like yeah i don't want to say finger but like yeah

Well what do you gain from that? Oh that's awful It's disgusting And they're like abusive with them They're like Wait that's so sad Oh that's awful Yeah no The turkeys are like Gobbling around Like it's not bad enough That they're gonna be Fucking laid out on somebody's table A couple days from then But you know what? Oh it's way less funny It was never funny But like

Yeah I don't know Immediate retraction And apology But there's one thing Cause I brought it up To my guy friends At Friendsgiving And they were like Like I was talking About them fucking The turkeys And a few people Were like Like a few people Chimed in to say That they could see How that could feel good I really want all men To be honest And like tell me The weirdest thing You've put your dick in With you know Within reason Within reason

Yeah Nothing crazy If I had a dick though Like remember those fucking things Yeah what's the first thing You would put your dick in If you had one Those water things Like the early 2000s That's what I think of When I'm thinking about balls Yeah You know what I'm talking about When it like And it just keeps going Or like Just like yeah Like Vaseline Like a big tub of Vaseline That's like too thick Like that's yeah It's not enough I need more speed Yeah Yeah Speed for accuracy Yeah

Apparently that happened in 2006. Oh. What, the turkeys? Yeah, the whole thing. Oh, and it's just now catching virality? Yeah. That'll happen. Also, no one comment on my bangs. I'm getting a lot of comments being like, what did you do? Queen cut your hair at 3 a.m.? Yes. Oh my God, did you cut that with the lights off? Yes. So glad we cleared that up. I love your bangs so much. And when you told me that people were up in arms about it, I couldn't believe it. Also, imagine being up in arms about somebody else's haircut. Yeah.

I mean, they're kind of out. I love them. No, I think it's giving like Angelina Jolie and... Girl Interrupted? Is that it? Yeah. No, it reminds me of the little girl from Pulp Fiction. I thought you were going to say Monsters, Inc. Like Boo. She's also not a little girl. Oh, yeah. Winona? No. Is that who's in Pulp Fiction? Uma Thurman. You know, how do I mix them up always? Who? Boo from Monsters, Inc. and Uma Thurman? Yes. Is that not the craziest thing?

They're kind of a slight I want to go shorter I know you want a micro You could pull it off 100% I just That's one of those things Me all of a sudden Up in arms over somebody else's hair Some people don't get it though Here's the thing though You know what scares me And that's how I feel About a lot of things I want to do Like bleached brows Even me being brunette I genuinely feel like I would have to be like Tanned with makeup At all times Like would you like Microbangs off the wake up

Hell no You would have to style that every day Yeah and that's like I could never keep that up One time I parted my hair With scissors by mistake Broke Amber What? And it did It like straight Like it gave me a little mohawk Like one time I filled in my eyebrows With a chainsaw Like what's up? Well it was like It didn't seem like If I was not gonna do this Like why would it cut my hair?

It does. You're welcome. Oh my God. Don't part your hair with the fucking kitchen scissors. But I made like a little, a little mohawk down my head and I would wake up every morning and it would just be standing straight up. I feel like that's what would happen to me with micro bangs. Well,

Well, I know. I was so scared these shits were going to like... As someone who has micro banks, now that I think about it, due to my bleaching, they do stand straight up quite frequently. Yeah, I'd have to like slick it down. Yeah. People are really up in arms that I won't go brunette because I'm like growing out my roots right now. But do you ever... Oh, it would just be so good. It would be so good. I have seen the fan edits on TikTok of like you with brown hair kind of eats. And it always like whenever a blonde goes brunette, I'm like...

Oh my god That's so cool Paige Lorenz Just went brunette And she looks amazing I'm like not opposed to it I think I'm gonna have A wig week Where I try out Different browns You did that And you hated it And it was like so You looked perfect The only thing I will say It's like you losing your blonde Is like Ariana Losing the ponytail That's true It is like It is so like you And like We would stop having Like such a Like a

A contrasting contrasting I just think it really is even with the edits like I don't think I look bad brunette when I'm tan and glam but I think that when I'm like just bopping around like hair sticking up like whatever like my blonde almost saves me do you know that's the exact reason I didn't want to be blonde anymore because when I didn't have makeup on but I also have like a different complexion than you but I looked so washed out because I was like I was the opposite I like looked better blonde without makeup

Really? Because... Okay, well, this is what I compare it to. Have you ever taken a photo standing in front of a white wall versus a black wall? Like...

you're standing against the white wall you're gonna like i feel like you see every imperfection on your face and stuff against a black wall your eyes look like so bright and your skin looks perfect and everything like that's what i feel about darker hair it's like the contrast i look mousy i look like life sucked out of me but the reason i that's true for me is because i have like freckles and like i'm my i'm low-key like pink i have like a gingery complexion i'm very yellow just different yeah you would think pale

I don't know. Like the black hair? Black hair? Oh, no. But also, like, I just know, like, everybody know that I do know the difference between the color on my hands and the color on my face. That's, yeah. I just want to talk about something really quick. I do have a tattoo on my hand that says Nerby, and I meant for it to be...

you know what this is page's fault because paige and i like paige wanted to get tattoos one day randomly we're walking down the street in new york and she's like let's stop inside this tattoo shop she gets the most perfect flawless gorgeous crisp tattoo it cancels out the big fat honker on my back

And I get my first tattoo ever, which I should get... I decide to get on the most visible area of my body. No, the red ink, though, is why I'm scared. Really, I love... I do not regret anything about the red ink. No, but you just can't remove red ink. Oh, that's perfect. Okay, Nerby. Anyway, it says Nerby. Fully loaded. It says Nerby in like...

and what's what's crazy about this sorry fully loaded just like what's used to my eyes go ahead nervy let me tell you what happened too it's like at this the girl who did it was so nice and honestly i love it so much it's perfect but she she told us after the fact after she had she had tattooed murphy on me and bb she told us yeah i'm still training i'm an apprentice

No that's Diabolical workout A swinger That's something You need First of all If you're not Going to disclose it Before you give me The tattoo Don't disclose it after You know what I mean Like that's just reckless That is really Really really really really That's why I went like this I was like But in the moment I was like Oh it for sure Says Murphy under there My guy literally Sat me down on the table Whipped out his iPad Put on Rick and Morty I go oh I'm about to Get the best tattoo In my life It was so loud too I was like What's going on in there Meanwhile I'm like Deet

Yeah that looks right Like no it doesn't It's like one of those It's kind of like Laurel or Yanny It's just It was like All my comments too Were like girl Like That's not quite right And I was like You guys are just A bunch of haters And I'm looking at her I'm like fuck I was looking out for you It's giving gold dress Or blue dress though Because if I squint My left eye I see Murphy If I squint my right eye I see Nerby Anyway I love my cats Nerby and Mouse The Y is fading It's just going to be Nerf I know Nerb

You could maybe have someone Just like retrace that I'm going to I think I'm going to But I just am afraid Of making it like blown out But I honestly Like what's worse Like

Having it just like barely visible and it says NERBY or like having it be dark I've never gotten a good tattoo in my life I'll tell you that much Every single one of my tattoos is either A. Not what I wanted Or B. Like I wish someone actually dragged me out of the parlor by my scalp I think going into it you just have to like accept that though But it was my first and only tattoo I'm ever gonna get in my entire life So like Set your expectations low Both of these tattoos for my dead people I like really wanted to be thin Like this

This one is by Romeo Lacoste. And imagine that too. I'm just like, he gives me the tattoo and then he gets so caught up and I'm like, oh, great. What do you do? I wanted it to be like almost as thin as your Murphy, like a doodle of a four leaf clover, like done with a pen, like thin. And then he gives me the Pixar stamp. Oh, he shaded you up.

like and then it's like even just this i wanted like a thin little building yeah like are you fucking like it literally looks like a fucking stock image stamp of a fucking four leaf clover okay that's a good point at least mine's got some thin lines yeah like i can't pointing in the wrong direction right is it too late to talk about zach bryan like is it just dead and gone it is because this episode comes out in three weeks probably i just can i make fun of him for one thing very quickly yeah wait did you see the the

What? That was horrifying Oh him on stage All my exes hate me And my friends all Piss me off Yeah Like no But imagine that dead ass Like in a silent kitchen At night Like that yell From that little Fucking toad gremlin I would be so scared She should have Drop kicked him She's tall

I just, wow. No, abuse is never right. This UFC fighter named David Onama went out to fight and then after his fight, Bree's at this fight to talk about clear cognizance, talk about coincidences. After his fight, they ask him like what he's so excited to do next. And he's like, I'm so excited to see Zach Bryan here in this arena, right? And then he starts getting cooked up.

because it's like during all of this shit, right? So then he comes out in an interview. Sorry, my lip is flipped. I'm not, I can't, my flipped lip doesn't allow me full. I'm discouraged. He comes out in an interview and he says that Zach Bryan's team paid him to fucking say that after the fight. Let me, he's so messy, like including the contract, some sort of like non-disclosure. Like he's fucking this up left and right, but honestly, everything.

So it's first of all so funny and so embarrassing How fucking embarrassing But imagine being free and watching that clip from the podcast Him being like well yeah you paid me to do it I would be fucking cracking up No I would jack off to that But it's just like how fucking embarrassing Like you had your tea And like think it's like

You need so much more Than a UFC fighter Saying that right now You need like Maybe a Times Square billboard Like I don't even know Like it's just like There's no marketing ploy That can help And then getting caught up Like that is just so Fucking embarrassing That is so embarrassing He's like I don't even know Who that is And then he says In the same podcast He's like I love Morgan Wallen though Woo

And knowing Zach Ryan's up in arms over Morgan. You know what I had, what theory I had almost though, like, and I know I'm probably making this up, but how funny would this be if he actually like wasn't paid by Zach Brian at all, but Dave Portnoy like gave him a bunch of money to say that.

Oh like to say that That's amazing That's yeah Cause the Morgan Wallen thing I'm like Dave has to be behind this That would be like Genius level It's insane That's what I would do If I had Dave Portnoy money I would be doing shit like that Like just the most Petty things ever 100% Did you see me in Dumois? No What? Paige had her big Dumois debut Oh yes Who was Who were you with? The big Des Mois Butte Oh my gosh Des Mois Butte

Okay, so I went with my roommate Olivia, right? And Thomas, their old tour manager, was like, I'm going to be... I love two camera. I just had to clarify for the people. He's like, I'm going to be on tour with Declan McKenna, who's opening for Sabrina. So if you guys want to come to the concert, let me know. I'll get you tickets. I can't believe I didn't take advantage of that. Well, I thought he was like just being nice. I thought it was one of those things like, oh my God, yeah, totally. And then I was like, you know what? Fuck it. Let me text him, see what it's about.

I texted him the day before I went and I was like, hey, can I get tickets? And he was like, absolutely. Pick them up at Will Call tomorrow. You're all set. I'm like, fuck yeah. Amazing. He gave me two tickets. I was going to bring tea. And then she's like not the biggest carpenter. No, that is not what happened at all. In Home Depot. I love Sabrina Carpenter literally so much. Jesus was a carpenter. Yeah, but tell me why my defense almost makes me sound worse. I'm like, I just didn't want to get mobbed. That's cool.

No real I'm like But James Charles was there Was he there Amongst the normies Oh damn I don't know Just every time I go to a concert I feel like I need to bring security People do weird shit to me I feel like everybody's Dressed up as Sabrina I feel like you could've Honestly just slayed it Like all you had to do Was put a bang on And everyone would've been like Oh my god I have a Juno outfit I want it to go bad too Wait really I thought you were saying Like oh take someone Who like appreciates it more No my social battery Was just on zero And like I don't like Going in a place where I know I might meet a lot of people Who support me And I can't like give them

Okay fair fair Sorry scratch that Tana is a carpenter I'm a carpenter I am a carpenter So Huge carpenter actually Okay What's your favorite Have you ever tried this one? Huge carpenter Well what do you want me to do? It's this one? She got in trouble for this one Wait oh yeah that one was crazy Can you do your baby crack thing? Really quick? No Oh yeah your baby craze Please

Please will you do it for the podcast one time? They can't see it. There's nowhere I can go there where they can see it. Right here. I'll move the couch. I'm like, have you ever tried this one? For every time you wouldn't bark. That's insane. I made up for every time you wouldn't bark. Fuck, I wish I could do that. Okay, anyways, anyways. Oh my gosh. Okay, so anywho.

um thomas is like yeah get your tickets tomorrow i bring olivia because tana doesn't go so we get there we go to will call pick up our tickets and they're in an envelope we open the envelope and there's a guest pass all access this that and the other and a kia forum club pass love i'm like oh my goodness i love the forum club had i known that i probably would have gone oh yeah i can't imagine the people who were in the forum club at sabrina oh i'll get there sister perfect

So I text Thomas. I'm like, oh my God, thank you so much. This is insane. Blah, blah, blah. I'm like, where are you? Like, we're in this section. Come meet up with us. So he comes, he says, hi. He's like, yeah, you guys are all access. If you want to go backstage, you literally could. You would just have to come with me. I'm like, what the fuck? Crazy. But he was like, no, right, right. Same. So he was like, but most importantly, after the show, you have to come to the forum club because like, that's where everyone goes after tea. So me, Olivia said, work. So clock it.

me Olivia sit watch the whole show I fucking love that little Polly pocket she's she's so cute and so small everything oh my god she's perfect so like literal cute aggression yeah I literally just said I want to kick her down the street I don't even know where that came from

I just love her. No, I was literally about to say I want to put her as an air freshener in the car. It's like, what? Literally put her in my fucking shoe. So her show ends. Me and Olivia go to the club, Forum Club. And we're sitting there at the bar. We get a glass of wine. And Olivia goes, Paige, don't look right now, but right behind you is John Mayer. I would literally shit myself. I'm not kidding. I go, you're joking. You're joking. She goes, no, I'm not kidding. Three feet behind you is John Mayer.

Gravity is working. I am not kidding. I go like this. He's from me to that camera stand. I'm like freaking out internally. I'm like, oh my God, I need this man. Sorry, Taylor. Dear John is off the table in this moment. I was just going to ask you how you're getting away with this as a Swifty. Taylor, I love you, girl. But like, let's be so fucking serious for three seconds.

You know that shit tastes like that. Honestly, I went and saw him last year for his solo tour. I know it tastes like an Oreo McFlurry. Thank you. I know it tastes like an Oreo fucking McFlurry. So... What? His dick. Yeah. So I'm like over here conspiring. I'm like, oh my God. Olivia's like, we have to say something. I'm like, no, we don't. No, we don't. I had like the Chelsea Handler moment. She's like, we have to go. Hi. I'm like, no. He's another one that I would probably never approach just because he'd be like...

I'm not kidding he'd be like okay word No but like that's embarrassing because then he would never have sex with me I thought you were going to go down a different path I don't want to have sex with Chelsea Handler continue Actually yes I do He'd be like okay this weird fucking fan no I have to play it cool I have to be like you know mystery girl So anyway me and Olivia like Waltz around the forum club we're like getting drinks Blah blah blah Cara Delevingne's in there A bunch of people like I don't know actors and actresses Like I'm not familiar with like in Vampire Diaries And what have you So

So Olivia and I circle back. We're like, we have to see John again. We walk over. He's gone to my dismay. I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. I'm like, there's nothing left here for us. Right. So we're walking out. Nothing left to live for. At all. So we're walking out. And like, as we're walking out of like the side exit, this guy and like this girl cut in front of us and they're like walking up the stairs. As soon as we open up the doors and go outside, it's flashes galore. Just flashes going off. And I'm like, are you just mogging? Like that's immediate. Yeah.

That's the best trope Back of a paparazzi shot Slaying But I didn't think anything of it Because I didn't even think we were in the shot I thought we were far enough away from this guy That we weren't even in it

So this guy's getting popped. Me and Olivia are walking back to my car and I'm like, oh my God, we should have done like Kim Kardashian style. Like we should have left at the same time John Mayer left. Like we should have been in the background of a fucking paparazzi picture. Oh, like when she made it look like she was at Britney's hotel room? Yes. Yes. I was like, that's some shit Kim K would have done. I'm like, God damn it. We could have been like in the background of one of those pictures. Oh, well. I would have 100% done that and then I would have never...

Never addressed it On the podcast And just let everybody Think I was dating John Mayer I'm embarrassing So here I am Oh Not me No me as well So I'm not kidding I go to sleep that night I wake up in the morning To like a grillion Tags on Instagram Of Paige and Dumoine I'm like what the fuck I open it up I'm scrolling Scrolling scrolling I'm the last picture I'm in the background Of the paparazzi

Wait, who was it? No one that I know. Okay. It wasn't John, but... Dude. I love... But he's hot. He's so fucking hot. Yeah, I wonder who it was, but I love that. I love DuMois. One time they wrote about me, and I, like, I wanted to, like, literally leak that it was about me. Because I was, like, I was just so excited about it. And they were so right. But it was so cute, too, because, like, all, like, our little fans were in the comments going, the star among the stars, like, tagging me. I was like, wait.

How cute. People were eating you up for the merch shoot too. It was insane. I felt like an evil mastermind. The day of, I knew that would happen. And then seeing everyone eating you up for it. You ate down though. Those photos of you are so sickening. Paige won't post them unless I pay her. You shouldn't. No, I don't. Well, she brought it up. Stand your ground. She goes, what if I pay you to post as a deal? And then she retracted. She goes, actually, never mind. But I do want to give her code Paige and then just see like...

Yeah, see what kind of sales you get. I was like, imagine just like 200 bucks. Imagine I just buy a bunch with CodePage. Well, and then give her the, obviously give her the discount that CodePage brings. You know, it's a, that would be a good. Oh, yeah. See, I was saying like, I was going to make her look good by buying a bunch of shares with, um, I love coders with CodePage, but then the money just comes back to me anyway. Wait, that's kind of cool. I'm not going to lie. Cancel merch is on sale, by the way. Just letting you guys know. And it's so cool.

And so amazing and Sabrina Carpenter Ward I saw her it's so cute and the only reason Why I'm not wearing it is because it's sold Out you ate with that it's Totally not go buy it just really quickly I want to give Everybody the boob job update that they did not Ask for at all in any way shape or form I was wondering yeah I also was wondering My implants first of all so Happy with them they are slang I love them They're huge I got to see them a bunch during Our merch and honestly a lot of people Well actually just a lot of comments that Are like they're huge they don't fit her body

I never went for something that was going to fit my body. That was never my intent. I wanted fucking knockers and I got them and I love them, but I just found out because they're under the muscle. I don't know what possessed me to do some pushups in front of the mirror the other day. Oh,

That's such a weird thing to be doing yourself. They go literally behind me. Like both of them just separate all the way. I have to see. Like I fear you're going to have to do a naked push up at my house. It's so crazy. You know like the SpongeBob SquarePants movie where like David Hasselhoff is in the water and his pecs go like this and separate?

I can like flex them And they like go like apart And I was having Such a hard time Not doing it Like I was taking photos The other night At the gladiator premiere And I had my like It was so cold So I was like shivering And my boobs were just like That boob drop would scare me so much It's the only plastic surgery That scares me Because like the implant in you But I'm so happy I just have these big boobs on Speaking of plastic surgery Thank you

And I know We have a divided nation here And you are on the right Side of history I was so excited I thought you were gonna say Like speaking of movies Wicked Oh man We can do that Oh my Oz No I wanna hear I wanna hear I want whatever Oh

Lindsay Lohan is smoking I want that pack I want it so fucking bad there's so much talk about like what it could possibly be I'm like I sometimes I'm like is she just hydrated all of a sudden like what no it's the substance no no no I think she got a lip lift right you know when they like make a little cut right here and they like lift your lip up again a little it's both blabulous

It's for sure both bluffs. I need a bluff so bad, an upper bluff so bad, and I'm going to get that, like, tomorrow, and everybody just mind your business when I have stitches on my face. Shut up. Wait, what's the bluff do? Like, you don't need it. You would never need it because you have so much eyelid, but notice how I have, like, all this eyelid fat, and I have no, like...

Is it up here? Upper bleph. This. Like, you take off this extra, like, fat of your eyelid. Oh. And the fat under your eye. But you don't have fat there. You see, I am, like, look at this. Like, if I look this way, you can't. I could never do a winged eyeliner because my eyes, like, overlap. Lower bleph is for any loose skin here. And then, like, a facelift, obviously. Yeah. I, yo, I'm a dropout. But give me something like this. And I am putting my fucking...

Foot into the research I saw a video for the other day With a ponytail It doesn't look like she got a bunch of plastic surgery It looks like baby Lindsay Lohan It looks like when she was 21 Chase Olsteen from Minnetonka High School

What? That's some girl I went to school with. Oh my God, it looks so good. Yeah, I think she just looks beautiful. Her and Christina Aguilera had to have gone to the same doctor. I'm trying so hard to find what doctor it is. And I... Tana Marie, you are so gorgeous. You don't need anything. But I just... Yeah, you're being ridiculous. It's so ridiculous. Everyone sees new Christina Aguilera and thinks it's you. Yeah. My nasolabial folds are going... And you know I talk about this all the fucking time. She does. Can I tell you something ridiculous?

I'm sorry to cut you off, but...

When I was in seventh grade, I never ever was insecure about my body until this girl around me kept hauling herself fat. And now I didn't even know what a nasolabial fold was until she started saying it. And now all of a sudden I'm self-conscious about my nasolabial folds. What the fuck even is that? It's like your smile lines, essentially. But some people's fat like moves here, migrated filler, whatever. I'm telling you, when views get really fucking low, I'm writing it off as a fucking tax write off. And I am hiding myself.

The house down boots. I am coming back. Substance fucking galore with a new face. I'm sorry. You are literally like, if you touch your face, I'm not, it's not even that. I don't think I'm so stunning. I just like, I thought Lindsay Lohan was stunning before. You know what I mean? I think I'm stunning now, but that shit is next fucking level. I need more.

I'm not gonna lie. I need it. It's so good. You have such a beautiful little face and you shouldn't touch it. Well, you do, of course. Maintain your character. But I will support you in anything that you do because I got surgery. I'll maintain my character. I'll keep these fucking bottom teeth a little yellow till the day I die. I will continue to say awful things like he fucked me with a toothbrush. But if you see my nasolabial folds lifted to mercury, mind your own business. I...

And I've been wanting Whatever this is And now seeing it everywhere Like I You know I can't shut the fuck up About my nasal labial folds It really is all she talks about I've never ever looked at your face And thought like Oh That little Whatever that is Like I don't even know What you're talking about On your face Yeah I've never once been like Oh my god Her nasal labial folds Are raging today Well I just want nasal labial

No more folds. And I can't lie to you guys. I'm going to smoke whatever the fuck Christina and Lindsay smoke. Wait, so you want that to just be flat? Yeah, I want... Look at this. Look at this. And you can... I don't... You can lie to me all the fuck you want, okay? My mind is made the fuck up. No, she's done this and there is a difference. Okay? Okay? Well, I want the viewers to see too. I mean... I mean, let's ask the audience. You got me there. Wait...

Like I need it Like you don't need it And no one would ever Notice that No but see I got you there I want it I need it I started noticing Like the little puppet I started getting Like the puppet line You guys are so Self critical I know We're being ridiculous And we're being a really Bad influence on our Audience right now And I recognize That I'm so dysmorphic But here's what I'm going to say Like

My life, like my entire 16, 17 years before I got my nose job, every single time I turned to the side, it was what I was thinking about. I got a nose job and it put those thoughts to bed and I am now...

And like, I'm just a completely different person. I was so much more confident immediately after they put that hammer on it. Right. And I'm not saying that anyone should go out and get plastic surgeries like they're a venti ice latte. And I think that it is such a personal decision. I don't think there's a blanket statement. You know what I mean? I don't think I think it is better to be against them and embrace who you are and be unique and not feed into the beauty standard anymore.

and societal obsession and whatever. But I also think that if something consumes you and you want to change it, that you live one fucking life, that you live one life. And like, it can be fun to do those things. And it's also like,

Fun. I get what you're saying. I completely get what you're saying. I felt the same way about my arms. Like it was something I was so self-conscious about and like maybe nobody else would notice it. But for me, it made me feel so much better that I just like, I get it. If it's like, if you get one or two procedures done, it's something that like really is plaguing you and bothering you and it's going to change your life for the better. I understand. But when it's like Christina Aguilera level where it's like, who the fuck is that? But she always has looked amazing. Like,

When your whole job is also based on getting paid. Like she is, they both will now probably book 10 times more roles and that's fucked up to say. I know, but like that's the whole thing. I think I'm kind of,

Against Doing all of that Because women should be able To age gracefully Sometimes I look at people Though and I'm like But then I'm about to give The worst example ever I'm like Sometimes I love it When people age gracefully And then I was gonna use Angelina Jolie As an example Pamela Anderson And I'm like It's just not comparable Yeah

It's just I don't know I think that if I was a bookkeeper I probably wouldn't as much be as you know what I mean but like I don't know Well it's hard too when so many people are like critical like not to make it like dark but like how many people are like commenting on how we look on the internet Yeah now everyone's commenting on my neck for like ass kissing that's been my one of the week everyone's saying I'm such an ass kisser and like that I'm just and I kind of am I actually have to like it's hard to differentiate between

Because it's like we will have people on that I'm not like close with and I'm just gassing them. But I just love to gas people up. I really do. Yeah, that's not a bad. That's not a crime. But also like I do understand that then when I'm gassing up people I love that are close to me, it holds less weight. And I can understand people like saying that. But I just like love to...

I don't know. Trust me. You don't show your affection. Yeah, that's not... I'm very words of affirmation. If that's the worst thing they're saying about you this week, you're slang. I'm just so words of affirmation coded. It's my love language and I always want to make people feel special. Yeah. But here I am. You are so good at that. I wish... That's like my number one thing I would wish I was better at. It's because like... I don't know why I sometimes feel weird like giving people words of affirmation. I even... It's been like...

Just like everyone keeps coming at me for like the way I talk to Trisha. But it's like I've said this off camera a lot too. I feel like even Trisha with like the live shows. How she was living under this genuine belief that she couldn't sell out a live show. It was eating away at me. Because it's like I wish that you saw you the way that like your fans do. And people who love and adore you. And just like what you know what I mean. Like so I do always gas her up more. Yeah. But it's like.

So many of those people Saying that I do that Would also do that If they had the chance For someone that they love You know I also think it's sweet And we were saying this Like a few days ago But I'm starting to like Do this thing where If I have a positive Thought about someone I'm not gonna like Hold it in anymore Like I'm gonna tell them And I think also

think it's nice to like be on the receiving end and hear that. Me too. I remember I had a girl come at me in high school for it. She was like, you're literally, you kiss up to every single person. Like you're always like complimenting people. Like, and I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with saying nice things to people? Like just like things like, Oh my God, you're like, your hair's amazing. Or like your body's amazing or something. And I'm so like that off camera. I think that's the thing is like that people maybe don't realize is like,

like even just if I'm checking out somewhere, if I like something on the person checking me out, whether it's something they're wearing, their nails, their hair, I'm going to tell them. I think that, because I can just remember so many times in my life where people have said things to me and like I carried that positive compliment with me and maybe it was the only one that I received.

Or maybe it just You know what I mean And it's like I'm never gonna Fucking stop doing that And it's crazy That now that's like A thing Yeah there's just No harm in giving Someone a compliment Or just like saying How you feel If it's positive And it's also like People have seen me So many times Like if I hate a bitch Standing on coming At their neck So it's like You know I just I stand on What I believe But I do think that I can teeter the line Of that Like when we have

When I go on people's podcasts Or have guests And it's like You don't know this person You are just kissing their ass But I just want To make people feel comfortable And I think if someone Is good at something They should know I think if someone There are much worse qualities to have I think you You should keep it moving And keep doing it I love it Like keep ass kissing Okay Right I like it It's cute Fuck

That wasn't my topic Kraft Mac and Cheese Gate Was my other topic Yeah what's that mean? They released a gluten free Easy Mac Okay In the cups And I've been getting it I love it I think it's so similar To Kraft Mac and Cheese But it's gluten free I love intaking less gluten Always have But I don't do it enough Whatever Apparently a lot of people Have been getting them Without the cheese packets

just the cup oh i'd be oh so it's literally just water and mac yes no cheese yeah like no cheese and this girl comes online saying i bought it there's no cheese and then she keeps going to other stores and buying it and keeps getting ones with no cheese but then craft comments on her tiktok gaslighting the shit out of her like we see no problems over here no and like their their tiktok bio is so funny hold on i forget what it was

What do you mean craft? Like what do you mean craft? You had the one opportunity to like send her a bunch and like have a positive PR move like someone over there. That's crazy. I'm trying to see if they changed their bio. I cried. Yeah their bio is vibes and cheese and everyone's cooking them like just vibes. Just vibes now. Like

I got mac and cheese or I mean uh McDonald's pancakes the other day and they didn't give me butter or syrup and I actually cried I was like what am I supposed to do with these right you know what the worst thing in the world is oh my fucking god every time I order like a chipotle burrito bowl and I put add utensils and I don't get the fucking black plastic fork it's good same thing with panda express if I have to eat panda express with a metal fork it doesn't taste like panda express and I really mean that I really fucking mean that there's just something so like

Amazing about like the Chipotle plastic fork And I'm just really sad every time I don't get it You know what I hate? You know what I'm Oh, I'm sorry I was just gonna start beef with Chipotle Go ahead, no, start your beef with Chipotle Fuck you, Chipotle I'm just kidding, I love Chipotle literally more than life But I stopped, I'm boycotting And they're really suffering Because of how much I'm not ordering Chipotle What'd they do, girl? Because they will not You cannot order a side of salad dressing Wow

On Postmates or any food delivery apps. I join you. I join you in this movement. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The vinaigrette. Chipotle, I'm begging. The vinaigrette. Oh. I would do anything. Like, the thing is, I sometimes, like, I've tried to order a salad with no lettuce. Because it's like, I want a burrito bowl with the salad dressing. Like, just let me. I'll pay $11 for it. Bro. Mm-hmm.

I have oh my gosh I have a picture in my phone I'll fucking insert it literally on instead of my name on the order I go please add vinaigrette like every single addition I could have made on the app I'm going please add vinaigrette I always like you have to time it out perfectly right because it has to like you have to be assigned a driver and they have to literally physically be in the restaurant and then you have to message them and say please I'm begging I'll do anything get two sides of vinaigrette and sometimes they forget it can you buy bottles of it?

No because it's like It's definitely made like That day In house It's so fresh It's so delicious That is ass That's like really ass But it's like You guys would make So much more money If you just like Like I would buy So much of it I'm just I need to stop Raising in general Like I'm really Teetering the line Of needing to Delete the app Because it's like

Dude, last night I hit this joint and I think it's going to be a regular joint and I smoked the cancer pack. I'm high as balls having existential conversations with myself in my head. I'm like apologizing to Makoa for breathing too loud. Like it's just weird shit. And I'm obsessed with this new place. You guys have to try it. It's called Junior Cookies. Oh, it's.

I saw your review. Love that. I didn't like it at first and then I kept ordering it. Again, delete the app. So fuck crumble. I think they're so much better than crumble. The flavors are just insane. Like Kit Kat, tiramisu, Oreo cheesecake, creme brulee. Flavor creme brulee is my favorite. I'm like wagging my tail.

I love that you can bang it. No, they have a raspberry lemon cheesecake one. They're insane in their mini, but it's like fucking $40 for like eight mini cookies. It's insane. But yesterday I opened that up. I don't even want them. But do you know when you click something and it says like one minute until closing? I ordered these eight cookies for $40 in less than 30 seconds. Eight cookies, $40, less than 30 seconds. The second I order them, I get less high 10 minutes later. I'm like, I didn't need those. I ate all eight cookies.

Didn't even share them with Makoba. Didn't even share them with Makoba. Oh, poor thing. Couldn't say bless you to Chelsea Handler. You were literally BoJack with the apple fritters. I just, I seriously need to delete that fucking app. Like the fact that I can just have like birria tacos at 3 a.m. in 15 minutes or less is some fucked up shit. It's really probably one of the, it's the most amazing and the worst thing that's ever happened in the last five years. No,

No I ordered them so fast I didn't even tip And I'm like so I hated Oh my god did you know Did you see what was going on though Like the whole city was gridlocked last night And I felt so bad I ordered I wanted to Oh my god Don't tell me this No I wanted to have Jamaican cookies Or not Jamaican cookies Jamaican food last night Like because I was so excited I had just watched Like a whole documentary on it So I was like I have to order Jamaican food I called around Asked everybody what the best Jamaican food was in town And it was like this place on like Crenshaw Which is like far from my house I did Yeah

and i ordered it i ordered beef cakes i ordered like all all these like exciting things and i was so excited for it and for whatever reason there was the 92nd annual which by the way i i thought it was the 92nd annual or holiday parade in hollywood okay i thought they meant not like it was 90 seconds long like it was a quick little 90 seconds i thought it was a

And it took the whole fucking night. So every single street around my apartment was closed off. So this Jamaican food came 40 minutes across town, except it actually took two hours. And when the guy, his little photo, you know how sometimes they use photos that aren't actually them? This was the cutest little old man in his photo. And I was feeling so guilty. I'm like, I cannot believe this guy has spent the last two hours of his life delivering this one order. Okay? Okay.

And when he finally gets upstairs to my apartment, he says that his car is four blocks away and he had to park four blocks away and walk. So I just, I tipped him $100. Okay. Well, why did she have to say that after I said I forgot to tip? Like, oh my God. I'm like, I take so much pride in tipping well because I think it's like Uber Eats drivers live off of tips. And my fat ass was so stoned that I was going so fast to get out of the one minute thing that I didn't tip and it ate me up. You can go in, you can go in after.

after and tip them again like now you could do it right now wait yeah oh you can do it right now that makes me so happy i'm literally doing it right now like i i it was keeping me up all night i didn't fuck i really have to like get something off my chest that's so fucking embarrassing speaking of like cookies and crumble and whatnot um i had like you can tell i had like a crumble problem like fuck you i had like a little bit of a crumble issue going on but like i'm not kidding it was like every week the new flavors would come out i'm like i gotta fucking try them obviously it got to the point where

I would get so embarrassed. Wait, what? I tried to change my tip and something went wrong. I would get so embarrassed. Sergio, I'm so sorry. I would like, sorry, make it like a thinking of you, like grumble orders like so that they didn't think you were just ordering. My roommates would see it. I'm like, I don't know. Tori sent me cookies again. Like, like, that's the funniest thing I've actually ever heard. Thinking of you. Now I'm going to send you grumble cookies. Happy birthday.

Secret admirer. Yeah. And it's like from page to page. Like, okay. What's your favorite crumble cookie? Oh my God. The pink, the OG. Oh my God. When Kylie Jenner did her crumble, crumble collab, that was the first time I ever tried it. And I ate like, it was so good, but it was like they had delivered them separately. And so every time I've tried to recreate that experience by trying to order again, it's never the same. It's like Kylie herself fucking like put her foot into those cookies. Damn.

Now I want cookies. I'm trying... I'm really like... It happens when you stop drinking, though. You like crave sugar. I don't know why that is, but I'm just like so sugar. I was eating creme brulee off my chest all five days this week. Like Resorts World having 24-hour room service. I couldn't stop. Oh, dangerous. I need to like maybe have more electrolytes or something. Yeah, well, I feel like I'm always craving something salty. Unfortunately, I have like the world's biggest sweet tooth. Oh, I need to stop. Need a creme brulee. It's... Someone told me yesterday, it's like... Like...

Like I said, like, should I choose the happy option or the healthy option? They said the happy option is the healthy option. Oh, but I've had way too many happy options. Okay. Well, nevermind. Forget what I said. No,

No like that's beautiful but like I'm so sorry like kale is not the happy option. No I'm saying the happy option like it's healthier to choose the happy option. Like choose the grosser thing because it's better to be happy than to be healthy. Oh I'm so glass half full. I thought it was like an almond mom saying like the happy option is the healthy option. Oh no. No it's like choose the pizza. Yeah. Oh my god. Okay.

I also just want to go back on my like Lindsay Lohan conversation really quick and just say that like clearly I'm fucked up in the head dude okay like

Just really like I thought it's not blanket advice to anybody else. Like I'm just I'm letting the people honestly know that like I am looking into it. I'm going to wait some time. Like I don't think at 26. Listen, ultimately, it's do what makes you happy. I just think it's sad that there is like a beauty standard that's set in place now that women think they have to like attain by doing like 20 plus surgeries. I think if we all just stop them, it's like what about like four?

Yeah we can rock and roll Yeah and sometimes People say like Oh you'll get carried away And you'll never be able to stop But I like I'm like I slay I like I did exactly What I needed to do And I could I could be content forever Until of course My upper blepharoplasty Fucking hell Should we move on Over to the Patreon? Oh yeah We're cooking But we love you guys So fucking much I mean We love you

And Paigeie we love you so much I missed having you on this couch I love you guys It's good to be back I'm in a place where like Our guests I think Are only gonna be Close friends Or just Maybe comedians Moving forward Like I just think That we're not interviewers And I need to remember that Like not that it's not fun To interview people But

I just I'm just It's easy to just like Chop it up about bullshit About crumble cookies And upper bluffs We love you guys so much I hope you're having A happy holidays Thank you to everybody Who bought the merch And is supporting us It just like is so so so sweet And we love you guys Yeah I don't know That's it Thank you we love you Love you guys Chelsea Handler I love you