Key Insights
Why is defensiveness a common reaction in conversations?
Defensiveness is a natural response to perceived threats or challenges, triggered by the body's fight or flight mechanism.
How can letting someone's words 'fall to the ground' help in managing defensiveness?
By imagining others' words as falling and deciding whether to respond, you give yourself time to choose a calm, non-defensive reaction.
Why is starting sentences with 'you' more likely to provoke defensiveness?
Starting with 'you' implies judgment or instruction, which triggers a defensive response as it challenges autonomy.
What phrases can help reduce defensive reactions in conversations?
Phrases like 'I agree this is worth discussing,' 'that's helpful for me to know,' and 'I've learned that this is important to you' can de-escalate tension.
How can managers avoid triggering defensiveness in their employees?
Managers should avoid using 'you need to' and 'why,' and instead use 'can we' and 'what' or 'how' to frame feedback more collaboratively.
Why is it important to avoid starting sentences with 'why' when giving feedback?
Starting with 'why' questions autonomy, making the recipient feel they need to justify their actions, which can lead to defensiveness.
How can shifting the focus from a person to an object help in giving constructive feedback?
Criticizing an inanimate object (like a proposal) instead of the person can make feedback feel less personal and more collaborative.
Chapters
- Defensiveness is a natural reaction triggered by perceived threats.
- Strategies include letting others' words 'fall to the ground' and avoiding starting sentences with 'you'.
- Using phrases like 'I agree' and 'that's helpful to know' can reduce defensive responses.
Shownotes Transcript
