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From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm the illegitimate son of Bill Curtis, Andy Richter, and here is your host at the Studebaker Theatre at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Andy, and thank you, everybody. Thank you.

It's so great to be here with you. We do have a great show for you lined up. Later on, we're going to be talking to actor and comedian David Alan Greer. But first, can I say what a thrill it is that filling in for Bill Curtis this week, we have a true international grandmaster level sidekick, the one and only Andy Richter. Thank you. Thank you.

So it feels a lot like the smartest dumb kid. So Andy, you of course spent many, many years as Conan O'Brien's co-host. What do you think is the most important rule for being the guy next to the host? Well, let me demonstrate it.

Good one, boss. That's it. That's pretty much it. That's the whole deal. I agree with you. See? So everybody out there, get whatever moral backup you need and give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Emily from Holland, Michigan. Hey, Emily. How are things in Holland? Good.

Beautiful. The tulips are getting ready to bloom early. Of course. Holland is famous for your tulips. That's why they call it that. What do you do there? I was working at an independent used bookstore, but I have four kids, so I took a step back from that. Right. It must have been hard to leave that exciting growth industry. Yeah, totally. Yeah.

Well, Emily, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel we've got for you this week. First up, it's the comedian whose new album, Weaponized Empathy, is out now. You can see him at the Hope and Anchor in Loves Park, March 23rd. It's Adam Burke. Hey. Hi, Emily. Next, he's the host of the Mobituaries podcast and the author of Roctogenarian's late-in-life debuts, comebacks, and triumphs on pre-sale now. It's Mo Rocca.

Hi, Emily. And finally, she's a comedian who will be at the Town Hall in New York City April 19th, and she hosts the weekly comedy podcast Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone. It's Paula Poundstone! How are you?

Emily, we are delighted to have you, and you are going to be the first person ever to play Who's Andy Richter this time. Oh, my goodness. I know. Andy Richter right here filling in for Bill is going to read for you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you will win our prize. Any voice from our show that you might choose for your voicemail. You ready to go? I'm ready to go. Then let's do it. Here is your first quote.

Like many amateur photographers, I do occasionally experiment with editing. That was somebody who got caught releasing a photoshopped picture of herself with her kids this week, if it was her. Who? That's Kate Middleton. It is Kate Middleton. Princess Kate.

Welcome, everyone, to week two of the mystery of the missing princess. On Sunday, in response to everybody wondering where she was, the royal family released a photo of Princess Kate with her kids to calm everybody down, and that, of course, got everybody riled up even more. People immediately realized that is a bad Photoshop job. Things don't line up. Their hands are blurry, and one of her kids is just a headshot of young Sheldon. LAUGHTER

And she accepted the blame. She did. And I'm so glad we live in civilized times because when Anne Boleyn did this with the portrait, with the painted portrait, we know what happened to her. I think it's funny that there are all these conspiracy theories around the royal family. I'm Irish. I think the royal family is a conspiracy theory. That's right. Yeah.

Now, the most common rumor for what's really going on is that Kate is in seclusion because she found out that Prince William, her husband, was having an affair. But come on! Why would you be cagey in Britain with the prince having an affair when the country is literally ruled by King Charles's side piece? LAUGHTER

Former. Former. Thank you. Former. Thank you, Andy, for correcting. How dare you. What is the title of the other woman? Well, this is interesting. The woman with whom he is rumored, and I should say there is no evidence of this, to be having an affair with is the Marchioness of Chumley. Oh, I... And actually... I loved her in Sound of Music. The Marchioness. Yes. And we're going to do this. Panelists, for a thousand points...

Spell Chumley. C-H-O-M-D-L-E-Y. No. All my clothes. No. There's like six more letters. There really is. I feel like I'm closer to Martian-esque. Probably. No, it's pointless. You're never going to get it. It's like 18 random letters. The prince is basically having an affair with a password his computer suggested. Ha!

How much is the Martianess worth? Oh, a fortune in Scrapple. Yes. All right. Your next quote is from Representative Nancy Pelosi. It's an attempt to make TikTok better. Tic-tac-toe. A winner. A winner. That was... Did Andy just malfunction? Somebody did. That was Ms. Pelosi addressing...

The very serious move in the House of Representatives to do what? To TikTok this week. Oh, to ban it. Yes, to ban it. This week, the House of Representatives voted to ban TikTok unless the Chinese company that owns it sells it to Americans. Quote, we can't let TikTok steal our personal information, said one congresswoman immediately after entering her social security number to get 10% off her Sephora order.

I like if TikTok went away, if people just kept doing TikTok things, but just like giving opinions to the roofs of their car. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Toward the end of the week.

Former Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin announced that he was putting a group of financiers together to buy TikTok from the Chinese instead of banning it, which is never going to work. It's going to be like banning it because no one is going to go on it once it's called Mnuchin-mnash. Emily, here is your last quote.

I'd rather die hot than live ugly. Hashtag YOLO. Hashtag sunbed. That was one of the many, many people now reviving a beauty trend from a while ago. What is the old but hot new way to look hot? Oh my gosh, it's tanning beds again. It is tanning. Tanning is back. Yes. Yes.

It is, and it's so frustrating because I had finally perfected my raised underground look. Hashtag tanning has 4 billion views on TikTok. All the celebs at the Oscars showed up with fresh tans. With Oppenheimer's big wins at the ceremony, everybody wants that. I had a front row seat at the Trinity test.

Since we're talking about the Oscars, I just wanted to try something. Who am I being? Is it Joe Biden? No. Is it Kitty Eilish? It's a cat singing the Barbie song. Oh. I thought for sure it was that lady who did the response to the State of the Union song.

Kitty Brit? Kitty Brit? Yeah. Kitty Brit. You know who would really like that? TikTok. Mo has different animals singing different Oscar-nominated songs. I'm just Ken as a llama, please. Andy, how did Emily do in our quiz? Emily was betting $1,000. She got three for three.

Emily, thank you so much for joining us and congratulations. Thank you guys for having me. And for your prize, we're sending you Mo Rocca's album. Mo, can I suggest that your version of the cat singing that song should be called What Was I Spayed For? That's great. I love that. La la la. La la la la la.

Right now, panel, time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Mo, please listen to Andy as he quotes a world leader from a transcript that was released this week. Vroom, vroom. Who was that? Oh, I know who that is. That is Kim Jong-un on a big wheel.

And do not laugh at him or you'll be dead. That's true. No, it was not. Yes, it was not. So it's a world leader. It's a world leader. Who loves cars. Who loves cars. Although he loves trains more, so you would have expected him to go choo-choo. Who loves trains? He's a famous train enthusiast, especially from the train ride. Joe Biden. Joe Biden, yes. Yes. This week, the DOJ...

released the transcript of President Biden's interviews with the special counsel. And everybody was just too busy arguing about his memory to focus on what's really important

The president likes to make vroom-vroom noises when talking about his Corvette. Is that for the sight impaired? Well, we don't know, but let us... Okay, you don't know that. You know that he made vroom-vroom noises when talking about his Corvette this time. You don't know that every time he talks about his Corvette, he makes a vroom-vroom noise. Sometimes he makes a screech noise. Yeah.

Wait till you hear the whole quote. Yeah, exactly. So we understand, Paula, your skepticism. So here now is the entire context for that, the whole excerpt from the transcript. They said I couldn't drive it outside the driveway. It's a long driveway. So I'd get it to the bottom of the driveway, tack it up to about four grand. Vroom, vroom. You think I'm kidding. I'm not. To which the special counsel replied...

I believe you. Mr. Biden also talked about the time when he was a lawyer and represented a guy who had lost a testicle. Andy, can you give us the sound effect for that? Yeah.

Coming up, our panelists are delightful in our bluff to listener game. Bell, 1-triple-8, wait, wait to play. We'll be back in a minute with more Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

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Simply safe. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Andy Richter, filling in for Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Mo Rocca, Adam Burke, and Paula Poundstone. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theatre in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Andy. You're welcome. Thank you.

Right now, it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff, the listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Or you can check out the pinned post on our Instagram page at WaitWaitNPR. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Barry. I'm calling from just up the road here in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Yeah, just up the road in Kenosha over the border in Wisconsin. Thank you.

What do you do there? I wish I had like a fancy or impressive job like a lot of your past contestants, but I work at a bank. That's great. And I just want to point out to you, we never check. Yeah, you could have been a trapeze artist. You could have been anything you want. So let's take that again. Just give it a second of thought. I'm going to ask you. Here we go. Ready? Barry, what do you do there in Kenosha?

I defuse bombs for the local bomb squad. There you go, Barry! Barry, it's great to have you with us. You're going to play our game in which you have to tell truth from fiction. Andy, what is Barry's topic? Today's Bluff, brought to you by the letter D.

So the letter D can have many meanings. For example, it's both the country code for Denmark and the grade I got on my European country codes test. But this week we heard a story about the letter D having another even more important meaning. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one that's telling you the truth and you'll win our prize, the weight weighter of your choice in your voicemail. You ready to go? I am ready. All right. First, let's hear from Adam Burke.

You may be familiar with the popular role-playing board game Dungeons & Dragons, often shortened to D&D. So when superfan and self-professed gaming geek Roland Carver from Rochester, Minneapolis, heard of a D&D convention in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, he thought nothing of plunking down his admission fee and making the four-hour drive to roll some D20s and defeat some orcs.

What Carver did not know, however, was that in this particular situation, D&D stood for Doms and Daddies. When I showed up, everyone was wearing leather masks and metal buckles, and I thought nothing of it. It just looked like regular cosplay to me. It wasn't until he checked in and saw an itinerary for the weekend that he realized that this particular conference focused on a different, more adult-orientated kind of fantasy role-play.

While the activities on offer were not necessarily his cup of tea, Carver decided to make the best of the situation. I got to know some of the guys on their downtime, lovely guys, even got some of them interested in D&D, my D&D, that is. A D&D enthusiast ends up at a conference and discovers it was...

A different kind of dungeon. Your next dubious ditty comes from Mo'raka. When the owners of vegan market Sinti Snacks received a shipment of donuts from vegan bakery The Savory Fig, they smelled a rat, which is especially distressing if you're a vegan.

One of the donuts was pink frosted and festooned with orange and pink sprinkles in the shape of the letter D. At first, they were dazzled until they realized they'd been deceived. For the D they strongly suspected stood for Dunkin'. "'These are definitely not Dunkin' Donuts,' Savory Fig replied. They insisted the sprinkles were vegan and gluten-free."

But in a scene out of CSI Vegan, the Stengels ended up using a gluten test kit on the donut. Their distraught conclusion, quote, at the very least, this donut contains substantial amounts of gluten. Needless to say, all donuts from that supplier were taken off the shelves of Cindy Snacks. Even worse for the beleaguered bakery, Dunkin' Donuts, as it turns out, does not have a return policy. A vegan bakery gets caught.

Slipping in some Dunkin' products because of the telltale D sprinkles on them. Your last divisive diegesis comes from Paula Poundstone. Just as Enrico Hernandez at Inkheart Tattoo Parlor daubed the left bicep of his client Paul Klee, where he had moments ago tattooed a capital D. The first letter of Deanne, the love of 36-year-old Klee's life,

Clay received a text. It was from Deanne. She broke up with him. She didn't want to see him ever again.

"The dude was crushed," says Hernandez. "I felt terrible charging him for the D, but I got a family to feed." But Hernandez wanted to help Clay find his new D. "I made Tuesday nights at Inkheart discount tattoo nights for women whose names began with the letter D." And Clay was my assistant. However, after six months, Mr. Clay remains single.

I really appreciate Enrico's help, but I think I need to open up to different letters, says Clay. I did get a dachshund. Let me show you my tattoo. All right, one of these stories which we found in the news centered on the letter D. Was it from Adam Burke, a D&D game enthusiast, finding his way to a convention about an entirely different kind of D&D?

From Mo Rocca, the story of how a vegan donut supposedly was busted as non-vegan because of the little D's it had on his sprinkles. Or from Paula Poundstone, a heartbroken man who has spent his time looking for a woman with a D name to match the tattoo on his body. Which of these is the real story of a D in the week's news? For the first time since I've ever listened to this show, I'm going to go with Mo Rocca's story. Really? Really.

Who knew this day would come that you would suspect Mo Rocca, of all people, of telling the truth? You've chosen Mo's story of the Dunkin' Donuts scandal. Well, we actually spoke to the reporter who covered the real story.

The sprinkles that were on this donut were in the shape of a D and were very tiny and clean and looked a lot like the Dunkin' Donuts logo. That was Emily Heil, a food reporter for the Washington Post who covered the real story of how a D did someone dirty. Congratulations, Barry. You got it right.

Mo was, in fact, perhaps for the first time ever telling the truth. He earns a point, and you win our prize, the voice of anyone you might choose for your voicemail. Congratulations. Oh, thank you. I'm so happy. Oh, you sound very happy. Congratulations, and good luck in your career diffusing explosives. Take care. I'll take all the work I can get. Thank you so much. Bye-bye.

And now the game we call Not My Job. David Alan Greer trained to be a serious theater actor, and he became one, starring on Broadway at the age of 25. But then a few years later, he got cast in a sketch show called In Living Color and instantly became known as one of the funniest men on the planet. He is now starring in a new movie out this weekend, The American Society of Magical Negroes. And we are delighted to talk to him now, David Alan Greer. Welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you.

It's great to be here. It's so great to have you. I should say, I had the Oscars on last Sunday, and I noticed you were there. What did you win? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing but the joy of being there. Right. You were the announcer at the Oscars. Was that an intimidating job? No. You have to press a button and talk, and if you mispronounce the name, they have a phonetic...

chart next to everyone's name. And you know, the Oscars is an international competition. So as the nominees were read, I was praying to my Lord and savior, please let the winner not be bullish. Golly. Please let it be John Smith. We, I asked this question of a lot of the performers we have on the show and

And I can usually guess the answer. In your case, I simply can't. When you walk down the street, you've done so many things for so many years in so many different genres. What are you most often recognized for? In living color, yeah, absolutely. Hands down. Yeah.

And I, until this weekend, I started looking into it because I had myself known you from that and all the comedy stuff you've done since then. I did not know that you were like a serious theater guy. So how did a serious theater guy, yes, you're stroking your beard in a very serious way. How does he end up like blowing up on this hilarious sketch show? You know, what happened was I met a comedian, an actor named Robert Townsend when we did Soldier Story.

And I went out to L.A. He introduced me to Keenan Ivory Wayans and the die was cast. But I was dissuaded by my agents. Nobody wanted me to do it. I didn't listen to them. And the rest was history. There you go, man. You said a moment ago about being up for a role and your agent telling you not to do it.

What's interesting about David Alan Greer is if you look for stories about David Alan Greer, they will often be about the roles you did not get. For example, you auditioned for the part of George in Seinfeld. Yes. I read with Jerry Seinfeld. I read this episode and I thought, well, this isn't funny. Jerry can't act and it will never go anywhere. Right.

Yet again, I was right on all counts. It's horrible. Don't ask me. If I tell you to go somewhere, go the other way. You were also almost in Forrest Gump, right? Oh, yeah. Now, this is even better. My manager sent me the script Forrest Gump. I read it, and I was like, I am not... If I'm going to play a mentally challenged character...

I'm not going to be the mentally challenged sidekick. I need to be the mentally challenged lead. No, I will not audition. They kept sending the script. They kept calling. I said, no, I will not go in. About a year later, my manager and I were in New York City for something else. And she took me to the movies. And as the movie started, it was Forrest Gump.

And I was weeping within seven minutes. And I turned to her and I said, why didn't you? And she said, shut up. I sent you the script three times. So yet again, I closed the wrong door. Oh my gosh. I have to ask you about this new movie you're in. It's called The...

The American Society of Magical Neros. And to summarize quickly, it's a comic riff on that idea of the magical Negro. And I think I better let you explain it.

Well, the whole trope, Magical Negro trope, was invented or coined by Spike Lee back in the 90s. And the Magical Negro is like the black character who really has no backstory, no family, no friends. He is just there to serve the rest of the white cast. And this particular character knows everything. Right. I'm usually like, you know, I can start that rocket.

all you need is a new capacitor. You know, that kind of stuff. You know, driving Miss Daisy, you know, those kind of things. And these are the roles I auditioned for because those are the roles that were juicy and these actors, we get nominated and stuff. Of course, I was not magical Negro material back then. Ah, it's a shame. You are now. I have to ask, this is because you, again, I don't know if people know this, Tony Award winning actor, right? Yeah.

For, if I'm not mistaken, the Tony came for the second go-around with the Soldiers play. Yes. When you were in that original cast of a Soldiers play on Broadway with the esteemed actor Adolf Caesar, he gave you your nickname. He absolutely did give me my nickname. He came in the dressing room and he looked at me and said, Dang it.

That's your name, boy. And he went and sat down and put his makeup on. And it stuck from there on through. Did he do that to everyone? Did he turn to, like, you know, Francis in the corner and say, you're Denzel. And there he is. No. No, Peter. He never did that to anyone but me because I'm special. You are. And you have been known as Dag ever since, right? Yes, absolutely. Right. Yes. Okay. Okay.

Well, David Allen Greer, we've asked you here to play a game we're calling Dag Meet the Wags. Ooh, okay. You, of course, as we established, are known as Dag, so we thought we'd ask you about famous wags. That's the term that the British press came up with to describe the wives' and girlfriends' wag of famous athletes.

Answer two of these three questions right, you'll win our prize for one of our listeners. The voice of anyone from the show they might choose on their voicemail. Andy, who is our DAG playing for? Per Mooney of Bloomington, Indiana. May I just say, Per Mooney, you about to win. There. That's confidence. I like that.

So, if there was any sort of original wag, it was Victoria Beckham, who, of course, married soccer star David Beckham back in 1999. Before that, she was wildly successful, of course, as one of the Spice Girls, but she was slightly less successful in what other job? A, as being one of the McCormick Spice Girls, who handed out three samples...

I'm going to go with my gut. My final answer is C. You're right. That's what it was. That's correct. She was, in fact, a roller skating sperm. Ha ha!

Alright, here's your next question. Pop star Sierra is married to NFL star Russell Wilson, but she was performing to sold-out crowds for years before they met. And even that didn't go well for her, like at one show where what happened? A. Someone in the crowd started tackling other people to get to the front, and that man was Russell Wilson. B. There was a problem with a wardrobe change, so Sierra was forced to do half the concert in three dresses stacked on top of each other.

or C. She signed an autograph for someone in the audience without realizing they were actually legal documents and she had just been served. All right, I'm going to eliminate the first option because that sounds out of character for Russell Wilson. Do you know Russell Wilson? Not at all. That's why I know him. Yeah, exactly.

So give me a hint, man. I'm going to say probably B. You're going to say B? No, it was C. It was C. She got served. Here, could you sign this autograph? And she signed it to my biggest fan, I guess. You know, and it turns out she was being served with legal papers. So, all right, you have one more chance, but it's fine because if you get this, you win. Colleen Rooney.

the wife of English soccer legend Wayne Rooney and she was involved in the greatest WAG scandal of all time Happened in 2019 she accused another WAG of leaking stories about her Colleen to the press and the other one sued Colleen for libel It went to trial this whole thing inspired which of these a a television series called Vardy v Rooney a courtroom drama a

B, a BBC documentary called Wagaspiracy. Or C, a West End play called Wagatha. Wow. I'm going to go with A. You're going to go with A, a television series called Vardy v. Rooney, a courtroom drama. You're right because they were all real. Oh, great. Okay, cool. Yes. Andy, how did David Alan Greer do in our quiz? Well, he won. He got two out of three and that's all you need, David. You did it.

I'm a winner. You are. David Alan Greer is a Tony-winning actor whose new movie, The American Society of Magical Negroes, is out now. David Alan Greer, thank you so much for joining us. I'm a big fan. Oh, we are fans of yours. Thank you so much, David. Take care. In just a minute, Andy knows if you really washed your hands in our Listener Lumerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us in the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

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Hey, it's Peter. So remember last month when I was practically begging you for your pledge to support our show through Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Plus and that we were looking for 401 new supporters? Well, we didn't do it. We got 490 of you to join up. Just like everybody who works here at NPR, apparently all of you were trained to overachieve.

And now, here's your reward. We just released the first part of a series of special bonus episodes where you can hear me convince my friend and colleague, Emma Choi, that Chicago has way better food than just deep dish pizza. So please, enjoy listening to our culinary adventure. And if you haven't signed up yet, well, head over to plus.npr.org slash waitwait to get access.

And thank you, thank you for everyone supporting our work. We also love getting pats on the head for doing a good job. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Andy Richter, filling in for Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Adam Burke, Mo Rocca, and Paula Poundstone. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Andy! In just a minute...

Mr. Andy Richter becomes Andy Limerichter in our listener Limerick challenge game. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Paula, you are familiar, of course, as we all are, with self-checkout lanes at the grocery store. Well, some...

Well, some other outfit is now trying out the self-service kiosk option. Who is it? Oh, heart surgery. No, I'll give you a hint. Would you? Going through this might involve having to wand yourself. To wand yourself. Oh. Ouch. Yeah, really. Okay, it's not going through the TSA. It is, Paula. Oh, I don't want to do that.

So you go through and you go, wait a minute. Oh my God. I don't understand. Oh, look at the, look at the size of that shampoo bottle. What was I thinking?

And when we do this to ourselves, how authentic do we have to be? Do we have to go on break halfway through the procedure? Exactly, yeah. The TSA has begun installing a test self-service security section at the Las Vegas airport. It's a pretty simple system. It's just a single captcha, a little box that you check that says, I am not a terrorist. Wow.

So, right now, again, only at the Las Vegas airport, passengers will follow instructions on a screen. They'll load their luggage into one scanning machine, and then they'll put themselves in another scanning machine. And then if all goes well, the door opens, and you can make your way to your flight. If it doesn't, a trap door opens in the ground, and you are recycled. Adam, according to experts in the Washington Post, it is important to every day lovingly gaze into the eyes of your what? Bank balance? No. No.

Can I get a clue? Yes, it's sort of a warm gaze above a cold nose. Oh, are you supposed to like look your dog in the eyes? Yes, you're supposed to look deep into the eyes of your dog. If you're looking to take your relationship with your dog to the next level, first of all, you are under arrest.

Secondly, experts say looking deep into their eyes every day is very good for the both of you. For humans, the gaze releases positive chemicals in the brain, those old endorphins, it's very good. While the dog is thinking, this is super weird. Why don't you just sniff my butt? Okay.

Who doesn't look at their dog in the eyes every day? Because if you don't look at your dog in the eyes, how can you say, aboosh, aboosh, aboosh, who's a good aboosh, aboosh, aboosh? That's true. Some people are so distracted, we say that while looking into the phone. It's just sad.

All right. Now, for all of you out there who loved our game, have all of the doors stayed on all the planes this week, it's time for a new game that we're calling, have all the pilots stayed awake while flying the planes this week? So, Mo, welcome to the new game. Did all the pilots stay awake while flying the planes this week?

No. No, that's right, they didn't. Officials say that a flight traveling between two cities in Indonesia veered off course before both the pilots woke up and managed to land it safely. They were like, I had this dream, I was flying. Oh my God. Oh my God.

You know how when you're at the airport, when you're at the gate, sometimes when people have toddlers or little kids, you know, they'll be chasing them around. To tire them out. To tire them out. Never do that with the pilot. Never. Just don't.

- Don't do it. - No. - Yeah. - If we are worried about these pilots falling asleep, will there soon be an option where we get to fly the plane ourselves? - Sure, why not? - After we've already security screened ourselves? - According to an official report, the pilot fell asleep shortly after they reached cruising altitude, and then the co-pilot, who was supposed to be sort of covering for him, fell asleep about an hour later.

in his defense, he looked so peaceful, I didn't want to wake him. Yeah, it was the story. It was a story that the flight attendant read to them. Yeah. And the warm milk. Never choose that as your in-flight beverage. Now is not the time for sleep and wake.

Hi.

Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. This is Ann Wilsak from Englewood, Colorado. Hey, Englewood, Colorado. What do you do there? I am a political consultant. You are? I've always wondered this about political consultants. What exactly do you do? I work on the research side. So I work with, do some polling and...

That's about all I can say. Right. Oh, that's very secret. That's all you can say at this time. Yes. Well, and welcome to the show. Andy Richter right here, filling in for Bill, is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly into the limericks, you'll be a winner. Here is your first limerick. You claim hand soap was amply applied, that your hands were well-washed and then dried.

Yet, as we have seen, they remain far from clean. The machine we use proves that you... Lied. Lied, yes. I thought it was died. No, it's lied. That's what I thought. According to the CDC, restaurant workers properly wash their hands only one in three times. Oh.

We've got to fire that little sign. In order to combat the problem, restaurants are now installing high-tech hand-washing lie detectors. They shine a special light on your hands which illuminates areas of contamination. It's a departure from the old hand-washing lie detector. You touch your eye and then see if 24 hours later it turns pink.

Can we get a machine? Can we use the same principle and get a machine for like these lying ass kids who claim to have brushed their teeth and they clearly haven't? There is a machine. It goes like this. All right. Here is your next limerick. For your face, this thick cream is too hyper. It's most useful to soothe a rough wiper. Well, yes, it's for cheeks, but for those with wet leaks...

It is meant for the rash from a diaper. Yes, a TikTok video went viral this week with a dermatologist claiming that diaper cream applied to the face is a great way to reduce inflammation and to let everyone know you have finally snapped. Her video shows herself smearing thick white diaper cream on her face, and it really makes you think, I need to call Congress to make sure we never lose TikTok. LAUGHTER

She says that she stumbled upon this treatment when she had a skin condition shortly after having a baby, explaining, quote, I had a lot of diaper cream at home, so it was accessible, unquote. Because you always want to trust the doctor whose answer to how do I treat this problem is, what do you have around you right now? Smear it on your face. Whatever it is. I don't care. It'll work. All right. Never mind. Never mind.

All right, and here is your last limerick. When my winning votes we're done recounting, some real sweet public works I'll be mounting. So look out below, cause sweet cocoa will flow. I am building a chocolate fountain. Fountain, yes. That's correct. The premier...

of the Australian province of Tasmania, Jeremy Rockliffe, promised that if the people re-elect him, he will build them a huge chocolate fountain. What a Tasmanian angel.

He is going to create a beautiful, magical thing that will be ruined by the first dog that reaches it. And he's just like, I mean, those things are filthy. Well, he's going to build a big one in public. Like the Golden Corral. Yes. You know, he claims. People stick all sorts of things in there. I've got a piece about this. It's true.

It's true. And then they rub it on their face. Andy. Yes? How did Anne do on our quiz? She did three for three. That's perfect. Congratulations, Anne. Thank you. Fantastic. Well done, Anne. Thank you. Thank you. Ooh, I like chocolate because it makes me feel so good inside. Ooh, I like chocolate because it makes me feel so fine. Oh, yeah. We share the chocolat.

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Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Andy, can you please give us the scores? Mo and Adam are neck and neck. They're tied for the lead at three each. Paul has only got two. Oh!

Wow. Here we go, Paula. You're in third place. You're up first. The clock will start when they begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, both Trump and Biden won enough delegates to secure their respective nominations for blank. President of the United States. Yes, president. This week, dollar store chain blank announced they were closing over 1,000 stores.

Dollar store chain blank? Yes. I thought that was the chain dollar store. No, family dollar or dollar tree. According to the Consumer Price Index, though inflation is slowing, blank prices are still on the rise. Food. Yes, grocery prices. This week, Paul Alexander, the Dallas man who lived most of his life in an iron blank, passed away at 78. Lung.

Yes, right. After it was revealed that the U.S. Army was a major sponsor of the event, over 100 bands pulled out of this year's blank. South by Southwest. That's right. This week, Harrison Ford complained that the theme song to Indiana Jones follows him everywhere. It was even playing when he blanked. When he... During his MRI, they had it on the... You were so close when he got his colonoscopy. Oh, wow.

According to Ford... Is that the right song? Let's just say it was. Okay. According to Ford, quote, when I had my last colonoscopy, they were playing the Indiana Jones theme in the operating room speakers. Even worse was the moment when halfway through the procedure, a giant boulder came rolling out and everybody had to run for their lives. LAUGHTER

Andy. Yes. How did Paula do in our quiz? Paula got four correct. That's two points apiece, so that means eight if I'm doing my math correctly. She had two before, so that's a total of ten. She is currently in the lead. There you are, Paula. Very good. All right. I am arbitrarily going to choose Adam to go next. Fill in the blank, Adam. On Tuesday, the Biden administration announced a new $300 million weapons package for blank. Of Ukraine? Right. On Friday, the New York Times published the 1,000th blank puzzle.

Um, Wordle. Yes, following several emergency landings across multiple airlines, criticism of blank increased. Boeing. Right. On Tuesday, Swedish police forcibly removed climate activist blank from the entrance of parliament. Greta Thunberg. Right. Before he appeared nude on stage at the Oscars, covering himself with an envelope, panicked ABC executives demanded the producers get John Cena blank.

A smaller card? No, in fact the opposite, a bigger envelope. On Monday, Airbnb announced they were banning renters from installing blanks inside their rental units.

Ring cameras? Yeah, security cameras. On Sunday, Oppenheimer won Best Picture at the 2024 Blanks. Oh, Oscars. Yes. Saying, quote, it's a lot more fun to do this than to sit home and count my money, an Australian billionaire announced plans to rebuild blank. The recently torn down chocolate fountain. No. The Titanic. Oh, man.

Mining magnate Clive Palmer says he'll start building the Titanic 2 this year, spending millions on the replica before filling it with his rich friends and going to sea. It's going to be a lot of work for the rest of us, but if we all start saving now, we'll have enough money to build a replica iceberg the day they set sail. Andy, how did...

Adam, do one of our quiz. Adam did very well. He surged to the front by getting six right for a total of 12 points. Add that to the three he had before. He's at 15. Wow. Yes. Now...

If you really want to stoke up the drama, let me just say, Mo needs six to tie, seven to win. All right then, Mo, this is for the game. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, a judge in Florida rejected one of Trump's motions to dismiss the case over his handling of blanks. Of documents. Right. On Thursday, senior White House officials met with Arab leaders in Chicago to discuss the war in blank.

In Gaza. Right. Following a contentious interview on X, Elon Musk cancelled his contract with former CNN host blank. Don Lemon. Right. This week, a police helicopter in California was prevented from taking off because the pilot discovered blank on it. Because he discovered on the helicopter on it? He discovered that there was a person sunbathing on the propeller. No, 10,000 bees. Oh, wow.

SpaceX. To help him shock corn.

Goats can't go more than 12 hours without being milked, so a farmer stuck with those goats and enlisted a bunch of helpful strangers to help him out. It was a heartwarming scene. The farmer rushed into a nearby feed store and asked the manager, "Will you help me milk my goat?" To which the manager responded, "I'm calling the police." And he did Modu well enough to win.

I'm afraid he did not. He got four right for a total of eight points. Add that to the three he had before. That's 11. It does not beat Adam's 15. Adam is our winner. Whoa! Coming up, our panelists predict now that tanning is back, what will be the next surprising new beauty trend. But first, let me tell you that...

Wait, wait, don't tell me. It's a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord, Philip Godeka, Retzar Lemricks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our tour manager is Shane O'Donnell. Thanks to the staff and crew at the Studio Baker Theatre in Chicago. B.J. Liederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by

Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, and Lillian Wellington King. Special thanks this week to Blythe Roberson and Monica Hickey. Thanks to Our Flowers and Baskets. You know what you did. And a warm welcome to our new senior vice intern,

Colin Campbell. Our boy with worms in his hair is Peter Gwynn. Our vibe curator is Emma Choi. Our technical director is Lorna White. And special thanks to Gary Yak. Our CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Sherlock. The executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mr. Michael Danforth. Now panel, what will be the next surprising beauty trend? Mo Rocca. It's a surprise. It's a drug that makes you look like Mo Rocca. Introducing Mozempic.

Adam Burke. Guys, three words. Brazilian nut lift. And Paula Poundstone. Okay, you know how women now have the eyelash extensions that are out to here, right? Now they're going to hang ornaments on them.

And if any of that happens, panel, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you so much, Andy Richter. Thanks to Paula Brownstone, Adam Burke, Mo Rocca. Thanks to our fabulous audience here at the Studebaker Theatre. Thanks to everybody listening out there in the wider world. I'm Peter Sagal, and we'll be back with Bill Curtis next week. This is NPR.

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