WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
47:21 Share

This message comes from Capella University. With Capella's FlexPath learning format, you can set your own deadlines and learn on your schedule. A different future is closer than you think with Capella University. Learn more at capella.edu.

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Tim Meadows, making the best of a weather delay at O'Hare by filling in for Bill Curtis. And here's your host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sago. Thank you, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Later on, we're going to be talking to Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller, the stars of the HBO show Somebody Somewhere. But first, I've got to say, what a thrill it is to be standing right next to legendary comedian and actor Tim Meadows. It's such a thrill to have you. So, you know. Thank you. Thank you.

Big thrill for me, Tim. How does it feel for you to take on this job? I got to say, after years of working next to some of the absolute greats, it's really exciting to try something different. If you'd like to enjoy your debut on our show, just give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hi. Hi, who's this? This is Daniel. Hey, Daniel, what are you calling from? I'm calling from Austin, Texas. Austin, Texas. We were just talking, ironically, a moment ago before the show about Austin, Texas, which a place many of us have been and all of us love. And I actually have a question for you that came up. Have, in fact, you been able to keep Austin weird?

I guess. You guess? He doesn't sound very convinced. Yeah, I don't know, man. That's how I feel about it. Well, well, that was a weird answer. Yeah, I guess so. Well, Daniel, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, you can see him at the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas on December 21st and 22nd, and then at the La Jolla Comedy Store on December 27th through the 29th. It's Maz Jobrani. Hey. Hey.

Hello. Hey, weird. How are you? Next, a comedian you can see New Year's Eve at the Burlington Comedy Store in Burlington, Vermont. It's Joyelle Nicole Johnson. Hey, Danny boy. How you doing? Fine. And a comedian who has a new Netflix special called Home Free. It's Tom Papa. Hello. Hello.

So welcome to the show, Daniel. You are going to play the very first edition ever of Who's Tim this time. Tim Meadows filling in for Bill Curtis. He's going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize. Any voice from our show you may choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to go? Absolutely. Okay. Here is your first quote.

If you can spill it, spread it, pump it, or pour it, it should go in a check bag. That was advice from the TSA for all the people who will be traveling next week with food for what? Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, that's right.

The TSA expects this to be the busiest Thanksgiving travel period on record as millions of Americans will journey back home looking for someone to fight with. And the general rule is, as you heard Tim say, solids can go in your carry-on onto the plane. Liquids have to be checked in luggage. This is for safety. When the soup in your checked bag leaks, it can help put out the fire when the lithium battery in there explodes. Are you guys going to be traveling? No.

No. Absolutely not. No, I mean, is it the point to go to someone's house and they've made it and or bring something from the same city or state? Who's flying with gravy? Who's doing this? It is weird. It is a little strange to be flying to Thanksgiving dinner with food

I mean, like, first of all, why are you flying anywhere if you also have to cook? My rule is if I'm putting on an apron, you're getting on a plane, right? It is tricky because you get caught in these traditions. You have to go to the same place year after year. And sometimes they don't make great gravy or other things. So you got to come up with sneaky ways to get yours in there. Ziploc bag in your pocket full of gravy. Good way to do it. Yeah.

That sounds like the uncle who sneaks in some alcohol in a little flask. You got a flask of gravy? What's he doing? Yeah, I get a little Ziploc thing of gravy. I'm like, don't tell your mother. Yeah, and everyone in my family knows I do not cook, so they say, you bring the alcohol, baby. My family is mixed. I'm Iranian. My wife's Indian. So we have Persian food and we have Indian food, and nobody touches the turkey.

Do you actually have a turkey given all that? There's a turkey there. You walk by, he goes, gobble, gobble. We're like, screw you. We got food, man. We got 2,000 years of cuisine. I was about to say the turkey's still alive, but if you're not going to eat him, why not? Let him live. It's also, I should say, because of these rules, it's a great time to be a smuggler because if they find drugs in your body cavity search, you can just say it's stuffing. Yeah.

It's cartel stuffing. All right, Daniel, here is your next quote. It is from Rolling Stone. There's been a Dev Patel contest in San Francisco, a Jack Schlossberg meetup in Central Park,

a Paul Mescal hangout in Dublin, a Harry Styles party in London. So Rolling Stone was talking about this latest popular contest craze that's spreading around the world. What kind of contest specifically?

Sounds like look-alikes. Exactly right. Look-alike contests. The hottest new pastime is celebrity look-alike contests. So recently we had a Timothee Chalamet look-alike contest in New York, a Jeremy Allen White contest in Chicago. People are just flocking to these things.

Is it surprising? I don't know. People come running when they heard there's a park where a bunch of guys who look like Glenn Powell are hanging out? Hot. So this all happens, all started just a month ago when some guy for just joke, I guess, threw a Timothee Chalamet contest, broad daylight, Washington Square Park, New York City. And a lot of people showed up who looked a lot like Timothee Chalamet and Timothee Chalamet showed up.

Which was pretty cool. That made the news. That led to Jeremy Allen White contests here in Chicago and New York, and ones for Dev Patel and Harry Styles in London, as you heard. But...

all those fans were disappointed because just Timothee Chalamet showed up for those two. So, Timothee famously grew up in the Hell's Kitchen building in New York. So I was there last year for a dinner and I'm coming out and my friend was like, Timothee Chalamet grew up in this building. And I was like, isn't it Timothee? And I get out the elevator and I'm like shouting, Timothee, Timothee. And then he walked past me. What? What?

And he like pulled down his hat because just some crazy woman is shouting his name in the lobby. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did you shout it three times? I absolutely did. Because that can conjure him. It did. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Wait, I'm confused. Is he still living there or he just walks around the building now? He's waiting for somebody to recognize him. One of the side benefits of all these contests is it's amazing to see specifically what men think they look like.

No, sir. No, sir. I'm sorry. You don't look like Jeremy Allen White from The Bear. You just smoke cigarettes and your T-shirt is too small. This is very generational, though. You know, like older celebrities, this isn't going to happen. Old people don't want to come out. Even if they look exactly like Jack Klugman, they're not coming out. Here, Daniel, is your last quote.

California King not big enough for you? Meet the Alaska King. That was a headline of the Washington Post about the new trend of people wanting bigger and bigger what? Beds. Yes, beds. Very good. The Alaska King mattresses are really something at nine feet by nine feet. They're great for anyone who loves...

Losing their wife. The bed is equivalent of, quote, two full-size beds jammed together, then you add 28 inches of length...

It's fun in a way that you could discover your spouse is cheating on you while you're in the same bed. And you catch them and they feel terrible and they're like, oh, sorry, we didn't think you could see us, what with the curvature of the earth. We've gone way too far. It's so gross. My grandparents...

slept in a one full-size bed. It was just a little bit larger than a twin. And these were not small people. No. And they slept in that bed for 50 years together, every single night. And let me be clear, they hated each other. LAUGHTER

And their grandparents slept in a drawer together. And they despised each other. Is it possible, Tom, that the reason they hated each other was because they had to fight for space in a tiny bed together? They were exhausted. Maybe if you get one of these Alaska Kings, you don't see your spouse for so long, you begin to miss them. I lose my AirPods on my bed five times a week.

The idea of getting a bigger bed, unless they increase the size of the AirPods, I'm not getting it. Alaska King AirPods. Yeah. Tim, how did Daniel do on our quiz? Wow, I'm keeping score and announcing. That's a lot of work, okay? But Daniel did really well. He got all three questions correct. There you go. Congratulations, Daniel. Thanks for calling. Thank you. Take care. Thank you.

Right now, panel, time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Tom, a man was stopped from boarding a flight in Lima, Peru last week when it was discovered that it's not that he had a pot belly. He had what? A belly filled with pot. No, not filled with pot. Oh, he had a baby there. Not quite a baby. He wasn't kidding when he said he had a stomach bug. Ew. Oh, geez. A bunch of diarrhea? Yeah.

What? I said stomach bug. And I said diarrhea. I know. Bed bugs? Bed bugs?

I'll give it to you. Insects. Hundreds of tarantulas, centipedes, and bullet ants. What? What? Who? Where? What flight? Airport security were suspicious of a man with a, quote, extraordinarily swollen belly, so they gave him a pat-down and discovered he had bags of 450 insects taped to his abdomen. Oh. That's so gross. It's so gross that I was more comfortable with my first answer of diarrhea. So the man...

When they sort of got everything out of the bags and examined it, he had 320 endangered tarantulas, 110 rare centipedes, and nine bullet ants. Bullet ants? Just a Ziploc? Yeah, pretty much. So let me get this straight, just because I'm flying tomorrow. Tarantulas, bullet ants, or gravy? Right.

I like bugs with 16 legs and bugs with lots of eyes. I like spiders that crawl on the floor and eat up all the flies. Coming up, we grant your special request in our Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

This message comes from BetterHelp. It's important to take time to show gratitude towards others, but it's equally important to thank yourself. Life throws a lot of curveballs, and being grateful isn't always easy. Therapy can help remind you of all that you're worthy of and all that you do have. Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Try at betterhelp.com slash NPR today to get 10% off your first month.

Support for NPR and the following message come from GoodRx. Did you know GoodRx offers 20 popular diabetes medications for under $20? Check GoodRx before heading to the pharmacy and get up to 80% off your prescriptions. GoodRx is free and easy to use. Search any medication, get your coupon, and start saving, even if you have insurance or Medicare. GoodRx can beat your copay. See how much you can save on diabetes and everyday prescriptions now.

at goodrx.com slash wait. This message comes from Capital One, offering commercial solutions you can bank on. Now more than ever, your business faces unique challenges and opportunities. That's why Capital One offers a comprehensive suite of financial services

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Tim Meadows.

We're playing this week with Joelle Nicole Johnson, Tom Papa, and Maz Jabrani. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Tim. Thank you.

Right now it's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff, the listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game in the air or check out the pinned post on our Instagram page at WaitWaitNPR. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Camille from Baltimore, Maryland. Hey, how are things in Baltimore, the Queen City? I love it there. Things are great in Baltimore. Yeah, that's good. What do you do there?

Ooh, I love to go see concerts. I like to cook and be anywhere near or on the water. And you can do that. There being a lot of water available in Baltimore. Exactly, exactly. Well, welcome to the show, Camille. You're going to play the game in which you have to tell truth from fiction. Tim, what is Camille's topic? No brown M&M's.

So we all love hearing about those fun tour riders, whether it's Van Halen's no brown M&Ms or Tim Meadows' Peter Sagal do not look me in the eye. This week we heard about a VIP who made a very unusual demand. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the real one and you'll win the weight waiter of your choice in your voicemail. Are you ready to play? I'm so ready. Okay, well, so are we. First, let's hear from Tom Papa.

While some may think that the demands of rock stars can be extravagant, a famous Italian opera singer may put them all to shame. The legendary alto Josephine Giglio credits her longevity to creating a tropical backstage environment that keeps her voice in shape and theater staff pulling out their hair.

The dressing rooms must be kept at 85% humidity, generated by plants, misting machines, and 12 heavy-breathing howler monkeys from the Peruvian rainforest. Two hours before showtime, anyone over 5 feet 2 inches tall has to leave the backstage area so as not to directly inhale any of Josephine's perfect air. The monkeys, who average 3 feet in height, are welcome to stay.

Finally, after her vocal warm-ups in this perfectly tropical air, Josephine's private chef caps things off by serving her red wine and meatballs, because after all, she is an Italian diva. An Italian diva in her...

Contract demands a tropical environment complete with monkeys backstage. Your next story of ridiculous requests comes from Joyelle Nicole Johnson. Most couples bond over things they adore, but Amir Rahman and Melody Merchant bonded over unadulterated hate. It was their second date that one of Forbes Pakistan's richest couples discovered they hated other people's mouths.

He asked me out to a restaurant and I confessed my disgust. Thinking the relationship would be over then and there, Merchant was amazed to find that her new beau shared the same idiosyncrasy. Anything mouth-based is off the table, which is a lot more stuff than you think.

So they do what any other rich couple would do. They throw money at the problem. They've hired a bodyguard whose sole job it is to get all mouths away from them. Whenever they go out, all mouths must stay closed. While they both know this behavior is ridiculous, when asked if they would ever seek therapy, Merchant bluntly stated, why? I have money, my man, and a bodyguard. When you have those things, you do what you want. A very wealthy couple.

Insists that they never see the mouths of anyone ever around them. Your last story of a peculiar plea comes from Maz Jobrani. Slipping on a banana peel might be funny to you, but to Sweden's gender equality minister, Paulina Brandberg, it is terrifying. Why? Because she is afraid of bananas.

In fact, she is so afraid that her staff has to, quote, banana-proof any areas she might be present in so that she doesn't have to face her banana-phobia. Who knows what causes this banana-phobia in Minister Paulina? Now, I don't want to make any assumptions, but maybe as a child, she had a pet monkey, and that monkey's name was Bjorn, who doesn't go, hoo-hoo-hoo, but has a Swedish accent and goes, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. LAUGHTER Yeah! APPLAUSE

And maybe the monkey went bananas. Seriously, it's a medical term for when monkeys eat too many bananas. And maybe to this day, whenever Paulina sees a banana, it reminds her of Baby Bjorn. And the feeling she gets can best be summarized by the 80s pop band Banana Rama. It's a cruel, cruel summer. Leaving me here on my own, it's a cruel, cruel summer. Now you're gone. You're not the only one. APPLAUSE

All right. So this week we heard about someone who has an odd demand for pretty much when they leave the house. Was it from Tom Papa, an opera singer, an Italian one who demands an absolutely tropical jungle-like environment in her dressing room to preserve her voice? From Joyelle Nicole Johnson, a wealthy couple from Pakistan who insists that whenever they go out, no one ever display their oral cavity.

or from Maz Jobrani, a Swedish government minister who is so terrified of bananas that her own staff has to make sure that none will appear wherever she goes? Which of these is the real story of an unusual condition? I'm going to go with the prime minister afraid of bananas. You're going to go with the Swedish minister afraid of bananas. That was from Maz Jobrani. Well, to bring you the correct answer, we spoke to an expert on this area.

What's probably happened is that this person had a banana, saw a banana, ate a banana during some negative experience. That was Professor Mark Sheffield, a neurobiologist at the University of Chicago, talking about the possible origins of the banana phobia suffered by the Norwegian minister. Congratulations, you got it right. Thank you.

Thank you. We picked Maz's story. He was telling the truth. That means he gets a point, but more to the point, you win our prize, the voice of anyone you might choose. Thank you very much. Thank you. Take care. Thank you.

And now the game where we ask famous people about obscure things. It's called Not My Job. HBO's Somebody Somewhere is not like their other shows. There are no dragons or gangsters or billionaires, just a bunch of normal people trying to get by in Manhattan, Kansas. And it's become immensely popular because won't it be so cool when a dragon finally does show up? The two stars of the show, Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller, join us now. Bridget and Jeff, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Thank you. So let's start here. I just started watching the show and I devoured a season or so, and I've been trying to explain what it is and why it's so popular. Well, I mean, it's not getting those House of Dragons numbers. I know, it's like so popular. So popular. I don't know. You know, it's a slice of life. It's about friendship. It's...

You know, it's about making each other, lifting each other up, and, you know, we're not afraid of a fart joke. You know, I don't know if I can say that on NPR. I don't know. Our show is all fart jokes. Really? I know. You and I have the same formula. Bridget, since you are from Manhattan, Kansas, and it is a show set in Manhattan, Kansas about a woman from Manhattan, Kansas, I'm assuming that everything we see in the show actually happened, right? Right.

Oh, yeah, pretty much. Give or take six. Wait, I was going to... I can't talk like this. I was going to say something naughty. I'm going to leave. LAUGHTER

And Jeff, I'm told that your character that you play is awfully close to your real life experience. Is that the case? Yeah. We both love Vitamixes and we're both, you know, middle-aged homosexuals with asymmetrical faces. That's true. Was meant to be, Peter. It was meant to be. Right, right, right.

And I know, Bridget, there are a lot of your friends from the New York scene in the show, including your own dog. Yeah, that's right. In season three, there's a dog. She's a beautiful Pomeranian who plays a rescue dog, and she's actually a rescue in real life. Thank you so much. You are an angel. Yeah.

What's that? Is she there with you now in your home where we find you? Yeah, she's, I gave her a little sleeping assistance in the other room. I understand.

She wouldn't bother. Perhaps a big bottle of Chardonnay. That's right. Was this whole show just a plot to get your dog into the union? It occurs to me, Bridget, that I don't know of any other major piece of entertainment set in Manhattan, Kansas, so you must be like a queen there because you have done for Manhattan, Kansas, what, say, Game of Thrones did for King's Landing. You put it on the map. That's right.

You know, they actually did a Bridget Everett Day for me a couple years ago. So if anybody ever wants to go to Mad Night in Kansas, I think it's March 5th every year. They make a little Bridget Everett donut and a Bridget Everett beer. Wait a minute. It's not just... Wait a minute. Hold on. I mean, it's not just like they had a day for you when you showed up for...

There is an actual day on the calendar every year. The kids get off school. Oh, what are you doing for Bridget every day? That's right. As a great LL Cool J says, dreams don't have deadlines. So that's amazing. So this is the third and last season of Somebody Somewhere, which is sad. But I think four episodes are out now. I did want to ask you this, though, because the show is, the characters you play are broadly similar to you. They have similar styles, maybe in similar backgrounds.

Would you both love to play someone next or soon who is nothing like you? And if so, what kind of character would that be? I'm waiting for the train wreck spinoff for me and Tim Meadows to do like some sort of rom-com that gets a little freaky at the taco bar. I don't know. How about you, Jeff? Do you have any idea? Like if you said, oh my God, somebody somewhere, what a huge hit. You can write your own ticket. You can play anything you want. What do you want to do?

Well, I've been playing a lot of serial killers lately. And that's nice to be someone who you know. Exactly. I thought for a second you were kidding, but are you not kidding? Have you been playing a lot of serial killers? I have been playing a lot of serial killers.

I imagine that's kind of a mixed blessing because you get steady work, right? Serial killer is always popular. But at the same time, what is it about you, you think, that makes them think, hmm, serial killer, psychopath, sex criminal. You know, I just got a face for murder. I do.

You give me precious back, you give me precious. All of a sudden I have a premonition of what the big surprise climax of Somebody Somewhere is going to be. Well, Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller, this is really fun, and we...

have asked you here to play a game that this time we're calling Nobody Nowhere. So, obviously, since your show was called Somebody Somewhere, we thought we'd ask you about Nobody Nowhere. That is three questions about places where it's hard to find anybody. Tim, who are Bridget and Jeff playing for? Jack Powers of Las Vegas, Nevada. Okay. Jack.

Come on, Vegas. Come on. Now, you guys, as we do this, you're allowed to argue. You're allowed to team up. You're allowed to play this however you want. Here we go. Here's your first question. The loneliest and most desolate place on Earth is Antarctica, an entire continent whose population never exceeds about 5,000 people. Despite that, one scientist who was there in December of 2013 managed to do what?

A, convince the band Coldplay to come there and do a show, naturally. B, match with someone on Tinder. Or C, organize the first ever Freezing Man Festival. I think it's C. You too, I think it's C. I'm so glad you put it that way. Wait a minute, so you're saying Freezing Man Festival.

The audience is objecting. I was going to pull the trigger, but the audience is shouting no, no, no. Audience, what do you think it is? They always know. They think it's B. Okay, let's do B then. We've got to do a predict. They always know. Okay, let's go B. They don't always know, but they did this time. That's good. Woo!

A scientist was sitting there and he's like, what the hell? And he turned on Tinder and he swiped right on this woman who was camping on the ice about 45 minutes away by helicopter. And they did meet up, but they say nothing came of it that time. So as far as we know, the first Tinder hookup has not happened yet on Anarchy. What a pits ending to a great story. I'm so sorry.

All right, here's your next question. Now, the loneliest place that anybody has ever been that we know of is the moon. Only 12 people have ever visited the moon. Now, the first astronaut to do it after Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin was Pete Kemp.

What were Pete Conrad's first words after stepping off the lunar lander onto the surface of the moon? Was it A, one small step for a man, one giant step for mankind, suck it, Neil. B, so where can I get a drink around here that's not recycled urine? Or C, whoopee!

You're messing with us, right? Right. This guy sounds like an... I kind of am, but one of them is real. Well, he said one of those things as he stepped out of the pit. Oh, this man is wild. I love him. I love, I love, like, TT. I like, I think, I think it's the TT. He drinks the TT, the TT one. The TT one? I don't know. I feel like it's Whoopi. It's definitely not the first one because people didn't say suck it in the 70s, but...

So you're going to go with two different answers. Bridget, you're going to take the recycled urine. And Jeff, whoopee. Yeah, we're diverging in two different woods. Jeff is the winner. Jeff is correct. Whoopee! All right. Jeff has already won. He got two right. Let's see if Bridget can catch up. Your last question.

In 1993... I went to Arizona State. Give me a break. I went to Texas Lutheran College. I think we're on the same plane. In a famous incident in 1993, a French man's car broke down far out in the Moroccan desert.

And he was so far out, there was no way for him to get back. So to save his own life, he stripped down the car and he built a motorcycle from the parts and drove it back to civilization. And when he got there, what happened? A, his wife said, oh, were you gone? B, he was ticketed for riding an illegal vehicle. Or C, at the celebration of his miraculous return, he died when a popped champagne cork punctured his head.

If it's not C, it's got to be C. Bridget, you can't die from that. That's a fun answer. That's a fun answer. Come on, you've got to do better. You can die from that, and I'm willing to give it a shot. All right, Bridget wants to go with he died ironically from the popped champagne cork. What do you think, Jeff? I think it's the ticket. You think he got a ticket? I think it's the ticket. Once again, Jeff is correct. Wow.

So Tim, how did Bridget and Jeff do on our quiz? Jeff got all three questions correct. Yeah. It's a record. It's a record. It's a record. It's never happened before. Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller are stars of Somebody Somewhere on HBO and Max. Season three is out now. Catch it. It is remarkable and heartwarming and funny. And every now and then, Bridget says something very dirty. Bridget and Jeff, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you.

Awesome to have you. In just a minute, a wine that could make a sommelier rethink every single one of their life choices in our listener limerick challenge game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us in the air. We'll be back in a minute with more Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

This message comes from our sponsor, Grainger. This is the story of the one. As a maintenance engineer, he hears things differently. To the untrained ear, everything on his shop floor might sound fine, but he can hear gears grinding or a belt slipping. So he steps in to fix the problem at hand before it gets out of hand. And he knows Grainger's got the right product he needs to get the job done, which is music to his ears.

Call, click Grainger.com, or just stop by. Grainger, for the ones who get it done.

This message comes from Capella University. Learning doesn't have to get in the way of life. With Capella's game-changing FlexPath learning format, you can set your own deadlines and learn on your own schedule. That means you don't have to put your life on hold to earn your degree. Instead, enjoy learning your way and pursue your educational and career goals without missing a beat.

A different future is closer than you think with Capella University. Learn more at capella.edu. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Tim Meadows filling in for Bill Curtis. Thank you. We're playing this week with Tom Papa, Maz Jabrani, and Joelle Nicole Johnson. Woo!

And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Yes, thank you. Tim, thanks everybody. In just a minute, Tim Meadows brings you our first ever listener Timerick Challenge. Ooh. Ooh.

If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. But right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Tom, this week a high tribunal in Britain ruled that calling someone what is a form of illegal harassment? Calling someone an American? No. That may be coming. Can I have a hint? Sure. Finally, some male pattern justice.

Oh, calling him bald? Yes! Finally! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! No, I'm kidding. So yes, according to a court in Great Britain, bald is now a formal offense. A man named Tony Finn, a longtime employee of the British Bung Company...

sued after his supervisor called him a, quote, stupid, bald C-word. Yeah. And to be clear, being called a C-word, he's fine with it. Totally fine. But bald was going too far. He sued. And this week, a high tribunal ruled that using bald as an insult is sexual harassment because...

Only men tend to be bald. So, again, all this is true. All three members of the tribunal that made this ruling were themselves bald. Oh, they stacked the court. Why else do you think they all wear those wigs in Britain? What if they flip it, though, and you have to start wearing a brassiere on your head and cover it up? If this is a big sexual problem...

I don't want you flaunting it around the office. Wrap that thing up. You pick up your hat, and you're like, they go, you're flashing me. You're like, officer, my eyes are down here. Maz, last week, a group of fishermen working in their boat off the coast of Norway must have celebrated when they caught what in their net?

They celebrated when they caught, was it something valuable? It was very valuable and very large. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Gold? No. No.

Give me a hint. I'll give a hint. According to fishing regulations, they got to keep it, but they have to throw the missiles back because they're over the allowed size. Oh, gosh. It was a nuclear thing? Like a submarine? A nuclear submarine, yes. Specifically, they caught the USS Virginia, a 19,000-ton nuclear-powered attack submarine armed with cruise missiles. Although, of course, when they got back, the fishermen said it was really a 50,000-ton sub armed with ICBMs.

This small fishing boat lowered their net looking for one more haul before heading back into port, and all of a sudden they found themselves being towed very fast out to sea. While down in the submarine, they were all asking each other, have we been down here too long, or am I really hearing the distant sounds of screaming and Norwegian?

You know your military is not good when a net catches you. That's right. Hold on, Captain. There's a worm on a hook over there. Let's go investigate. From now on, all the submarines in the Sixth Fleet are going to be equipped with scissors.

Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. You can also see us most weeks at the Studebaker Theatre right here in Chicago, Illinois. They love it. You will too. Thank you.

And come see us on the road at Carnegie Hall in New York City on December 12th. Tickets at nprpresents.org. Also, check out our sister podcast, How to Do Everything this week, how to handle it if your cousin comes to Thanksgiving dressed as a furry. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Kristen calling from Virginia Beach, Virginia. Virginia Beach, Virginia. I've been there. It's in Virginia. What do you do there? Well, I'm a hairstylist and I am an all-star cheerleading coach. You're an all-star cheerleading coach. You want to let us know that you are a very good one.

Well, my kids are very good. Of course. I have noticed in my very limited exposure to cheerleading that it's gotten really athletic. Incredibly athletic. Does it ever get dangerous? Do you ever worry for your kids? Oh, all the time. But I'm a good coach, so they're pretty safe.

We have established that. Okay. Well, welcome to the show, Kristen. Tim Meadows, filling in for Bill Curtis, is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly into the limericks, you will be a winner. Ready to go? I am. Here is your first limerick. To Pizza Hut's wine, I won't say no. It's from fruits of a vine stalk that they grow.

No.

I don't know. Neither does anyone at this particular juncture. So, Tim, why don't we do that again? Okay. Here we go. I'm not a limerick. Never in Detroit has limericks ever been taught or read. And I'm willing to allow someone who's better. Like, if you have an Irish person in the room, they want to come off for you. Okay, here we go. To Pizza Hut's wine, I won't say no.

It's from fruits of a vine stock that they grow like basil notes chased a crust forward taste in wine that is made from... Pesto? I truly don't know. That's not an unreasonable guess. They grow... Tomatoes. Tomatoes, yeah. Yeah.

Pizza Hut is now selling tomato wine, a wine made from tomatoes infused with basil that is supposed to taste like pizza. It is a wine that experts describe as technically non-toxic. How is it different from a Bloody Mary? Good point. It's not as good. Yeah, I think I'm about to say, yeah. All right, here's your next limerick. All right, hold your heads. Here we go.

Listen closely as the brother reads the lyrics. Once, an asteroid belt was our thing, and our skies had big rocks on the wing. They just kept flying around till they crashed to the ground. Just like Saturn, the Earth had a... Ring. Ring, yes, there you go. Your brother did it. Now we're cruising. This is fun.

That's right. According to a groundbreaking new geological study, at one point, God liked us, so he put a ring on us. 460 million years ago, the earth was struck by a series of meteorites all along the equator, so scientists now hypothesize that the rocks were not just like randomly striking the earth, but instead dropping down from a ring around the earth. It's fascinating what we didn't know about the past, right? Now we know. Someday, far in the future, scientists will discover that the earth used to have land.

Because we're dying. What are the benefits of having a ring? It just looks good? Yeah, pretty much. I mean, Saturn's pretty sexy, right? So we had a ring back in the day. Saturn is really hot, right? Man, the number of times in grade school where I was like, they were like, will you focus? And I'm like, I am. Yeah.

He's in an erotic reverie, ladies and gentlemen. Here is your last limerick. Airline comfort is crossing a line. When they sleep, I have no space to dine. They lean back and I'm hoping my laptop won't open. I vote to ban seats that...

Reclined. Yes! There you go. This is like church in here. This is awesome. According to a new survey, 41% of airline passengers say they want airlines to ban reclining seats on flights completely. Thank you.

Which means, of course, that the other 59% of passengers are monsters. It is very offensive when someone just comes back and you're in that little tiny space and you're collapsing your skeleton in like a praying mantis and eating pretzels. It's like, bam, I'm here now with my bald head in your lap. That's not cool. What if they add the beep, the river, beep?

So you're reversing and the person knows it's happening. Yeah. Tim, how did Kristen do in our quiz? It's a good question. You know, I was focusing so much on... I'm going to give her 800 points. There you go. I'm sure that's close. Thank you.

within a margin of error. Congratulations. You've set a record on our show. Well done. Thank you so much for playing, Kristen. Take care. Thank you, guys. Happy Thanksgiving. Bye-bye. You too. ♪

This message comes from Mattress Firm. You deserve a mattress that will give you the rest you need to feel your best. If aches and pains are keeping you up at night, Mattress Firm can help you find the right bed from their selection of high-quality, pressure-relieving mattresses. Plus, if you see a lower price somewhere else, Mattress Firm will match it. Get matched at Mattress Firm's Black Friday sale and sleep at night. Restrictions apply. See mattressfirm.com or store for details.

This message comes from NPR sponsor, Viking. Committed to exploring the world in comfort. Journey through the heart of Europe on an elegant Viking longship with thoughtful service, destination-focused dining, and cultural enrichment on board and on shore. And every Viking voyage is all-inclusive with no children and no casinos. Discover more at viking.com. This message comes from Bluehost. Need a website fast? Bluehost.

Bluehost's AI gives you custom WordPress sites in minutes and built-in marketing tools with 24-7 support to keep your website growing. Go to Bluehost.com now to launch yours today.

Now onto our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is worth two points. Tim, can you give us the scores? Tom has three points. Maz has three points. Joelle has two. All right, very good.

So here we go. That means, Joelle, you are in second place behind the guys, so you're up first. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, blank withdrew as Trump's pick for Attorney General. Matt Gaetz. Yes.

On Monday, budget airline blank filed for bankruptcy. Ew, spirit. Yes, this week, Rafael Nadal officially retired from professional blank. Tennis. Right, tennis. On Thursday, the CDC confirmed the first U.S. case of the new strain of blank pox. Ooh, monkey? Yeah, mpox, as they call it. After dozens of monkeys escaped a research facility in South Carolina this week, reports now say that blank...

That they can fly. No, almost. That there are also feral emu on the loose in South Carolina. Was I supposed to know the answer to that? Well... Okay.

This week, the daughters of civil rights leader Blank sued the CIA over his assassination. Bernice King? Martin Luther King? Malcolm X? I was Malcolm X, yes. I'll give it to you. On Wednesday, Lady Gaga and Post Malone were named as headliners of 2025's Blankella Festival. Coach? Coachella. This week, authorities in Argentina caught a man trying to swim smuggled cigarettes across the border from Paraguay disguised as Blank. Tarantulas. No, he was disguised as a giant aquatic plant.

The man had been swimming across the river that forms the border between Paraguay and Argentina with 200 packs of cigarettes covered with leaves and artificial plants. And authorities were like, wait a minute. Plants don't usually have arms. Tim, how did Joyelle do on our quiz? Well, I'm happy to tell you Joyelle got six right. And she now has 12 points. And she is in the lead. There you go.

I have 14 points. 14 points. Did I say 12? I meant 14. There you go. Maz, I'm going to arbitrarily pick you to go next. Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, President Biden authorized blanks use of American-supplied long-range missiles. Ukraine. Right. On Monday, the Manhattan DA agreed to postpone blanks hush money sentencing. Trump's. Right. This week, the U.S. formally proposed a partial breakup of search giant blank. Google. Right. In order to avoid space debris, the blank was forced to adjust its orbit on Wednesday.

The blank. The space station. Right. This week, an art collector paid $6.5 million for a banana duct-taped to a wall and then blanked. He ate it? Yes. What? Dozens of people were sick into this week after eating carrots contaminated with blank. E. coli. Right. For the first time, wildlife officials suggested that giraffes be added to the blank list. Endangered species. Right. This week, a woman who was baffled at how her puppy escaped its crate every night set up a camera and discovered blank.

The puppy was escaping the crate every night, discovered that it wasn't a puppy, it was a monkey.

and was using his arms to get out of the crate. No. She discovered that her other dog was unlocking the crate and letting the puppy out as soon as the coast was clear. The woman caught her other dog on camera walking up to the puppy's crate and using his teeth and paws to unlock it. The woman has since gotten a more secure cage and is confident the puppy will not escape any longer, but...

why is that other dog bringing in a birthday cake? It's not the puppy's birthday. Tim, how did Maz do on our quiz? I'm happy to tell you that Maz got seven right. He now has 14 points, but he has 17 points total, and he is now in the lead. There you are. There you go, 17. Yes! Here's the tough one, Tim. How many, then, does Tom Papa need to win? Seven to tie, eight to win. Nice! Come on!

Hail Pat. Hail Pat. All right. Here we go, Tom. This is for the game. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, the International Criminal Court issued an arrest warrant for blank. Netanyahu. Netanyahu, right. On Tuesday, Donald Trump picked WWE's Linda McMahon as his secretary of blank. Education. Right. This week, Australia's government introduced a bill to limit kids under 16 from using blank. Social media. Right. This week, MIT announced it would offer free blank for families earning less than $200,000 a year.

College. Well, free tuition. On Tuesday, private space company blank scrapped their latest booster catch attempt. SpaceX. Right. On Thursday, cryptocurrency blank hit an all-time high. Bitcoin. Right. Last week, a man in the UK who had his phone stolen by thieves was able to easily chase them down because blank. Because find my iPhone. No, because he happened to be four-time Olympic gold medalist runner Mo Farah. Hilarious. Amazing.

Mo Farah, one of the greatest middle-distance runners who has ever lived, was out for a jog when the thieves snatched his phone, but I have a feeling they instantly regretted it after they heard the four-time Olympic champion mutter, finally. That is cool. Tim, did Tom Papa do well enough to win? This math is difficult. Tom got six right, 12 more. He had 15 total.

But it doesn't beat Ma's because Ma's got 17 portals. He's the winner. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict after giant mattresses what will be the next innovation in sleep. But first, let me tell you all that. Wait, wait, don't tell me. It's a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircare Productions. Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Godeker writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our tour manager is Shana Donald. Thanks to the staff and crew at the studio.

Thank you.

thing in sleep after big mattresses. Maz Jobrani. Now that the beds are so big, Starbucks will build a store in your bed so you can have a cappuccino and then take a nappuccino. Joanne Nicole Johnson. The eternal sunshine mattress. Wake up refreshed not knowing what happened the day before. And Tom Papa. The San Francisco Sleep Center where guests can go to sleep in pods and wake up in four years when this is all over.

And if any of that happens, panel, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you so much, Tim Meadow. Thanks also to Maz Jobrani, Joyelle Nicole Johnson, Tom Papa. Thanks to our fabulous audience who joined us here in Chicago at the Studebaker Theater. And thanks to all of you for listening wherever you might find yourself. I'm Peter Sagal, and we'll see you next week. This is NPR.

Thank you.

Claude helps engineers ship products faster, marketers craft compelling campaigns, and sales teams personalize outreach at scale. From brainstorming to execution, Claude thinks like a teammate, not a tool. Empower every person in your organization with AI that's both powerful and protected. Your data stays yours by default. Anthropic never trains its models on your company conversations and content.

Join leading enterprises already working smarter with Claude. Transform your organization's productivity and visit anthropic.com slash enterprise.