HTDE: Maury Povich and Sleeping Between the Pretties
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Telling someone something they do not want to hear. Speaking of not wanting to hear things, if you in fact do not want to hear how to do everything in the Wait Wait feed, hey, you came here for limericks and poop jokes, you don't want this useful advice, well, not to worry.

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And I just want to say, before we get to the episode, the question they ask Maury Povich for help with, I could have told them how to do it. I have some experience here. Anyway, enjoy the show. Hey, Billy, what can we help you with? Well, there's been a sort of an ongoing thing between me and my wife now for 29 years, going on almost 30, about how to make the bed. When you have printed sheets...

Do the printed top sheet, does it go printed side up or printed side down? Yeah. Okay, so you and your wife, who's on which side? She is the one who thinks the printed side of the top sheet should go down on the bed.

so that you're sleeping between the pretties, as she's always told me. Between the pretties. And I'm the one who the printed side should be up on both sheets just because they match that way. So, okay. So you said you, this, this has been a debate, a crisis in your marriage for 29 years?

Correct. Wow. Well, first of all, congratulations. 29 years. That's no small thing. I appreciate that. Especially with tensions running high as they are. Billy, we're going to do our best to save your marriage and

and get an answer to this question. I would be most appreciative. All right, I think we have the perfect person to decide this for us. I feel like there is an objective right answer here. Grant, what's the best way to identify you? A lot of people just say that I'm Grant Howard, former butler to King Charles and Queen Camilla, normally. That is Grant Howard, the former butler to King Charles, and

And we figure if anybody would know the proper way to make a bed, it is Grant. So Grant, what's the verdict? So basically, the first thing you do is the actual first sheet would go on the bed and it would all get tucked in and you do the hospital corners, nice crisp hospital corners. And then what you'd have is a knit sheet. And that would be quite, as your listener, his wife was saying, it'd be the other way around. It would be with the pattern down and just to be really precise,

Exactly this. And the pillowcases would always make sure you'd always have the opening towards each other so they'd all be facing into the bed. And that's how you'd make your perfect bed, technically. Wow. So I'm just going to say by royal decree, Billy's wife is correct. Yeah, she's absolutely right. And he's completely wrong on this one. Well, I feel like we should just clarify though, Grant, specifically, King Charles sleeps between the pretties.

I can't confirm or deny that, but if he has had it done the way that I was taught, then he would sleep in between the pretties. I have to ask, does King Charles sleep in a king-sized bed? His bed's just a... I can't really give the details of it, but it's just a normal bed. If I can say that. Yeah.

Let me say this though, Grant, because I may do you one better. It's a normal bed for him. He's a king. Therefore, it's a king-sized bed. Uh-huh. Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's very good. That's very good. Yeah, a king goes in a king-sized bed. That would be the perfect scenario. Can I ask this question? So when you make your bed, do you, Grant, sleep between the pretties?

Oh yes, yeah 100%. Thinking about his sleep and that part of his life, does the king have an alarm clock? I don't know, but on saying that, Queen Elizabeth, and he now has this, so this is pretty cool. What I do know for a fact is that every morning, in the morning, they have a piper playing bagpipes outside their window. Really? Yeah.

So that's the alarm clock, basically. So you have a piper outside playing bagpipes in the morning. That's the alarm clock. Could she snooze?

I don't think you could shut the window and tell bagpipes to stop. I think it would just gone for five or ten minutes. Wow. What song does the bagpiper play? I'm actually not, I don't really know. I think it's just a Scottish, probably a lament or something, or a piece of Scottish music. Let's be honest, they all sound the same, don't they Grant? Well, I'm Scottish and that's what I was thinking. I wouldn't be able to tell. I don't know.

It all does kind of sound similar, especially when you've had a few whiskies. Well, Grant, thank you so much for helping Billy. My pleasure. Helping save Billy's marriage. Well, hopefully we've saved his marriage.

This is How to Do Everything. I'm Ian. And I'm Mike. On today's show, how to remember to change your toothbrush. Or your toilet brush. Even some things that are not brushes. But first... Hey Jack, what can we do for you? Well, I had this...

long ago, problem that cropped up about how to tell someone that their fly is open. This came up when I was in graduate school. I happened to be in a class that was about medieval theology, and it was taught by a priest. And he came in to lecture one day, and not only was his fly open, but some of his shirt tail was hanging out of it.

And I had this visceral recollection of

all the students kind of looking at each other and "What should we do? Should we say something? How do we bring this to his attention?" And of course, we did nothing. And at the end of the lecture, the priest remarked that he had never had a class that had been so enthralled with the topic of Original Sin before. So Jack, in that class, and I imagine, how long was it, like an hour long?

And was the lecturer, the priest, behind a lectern or just all out in front, no coverage? I seem to remember that there was a lectern, but he was clearly visible. Yeah. So we're going to try and find somebody to help you. In the meantime, I think Mike and I would like to absolve you of the guilt for the weather.

Thank you. Telling somebody they have their zipper down, that is bad news. It's embarrassing news. We have just got somebody on the line with a great deal of experience delivering bad news. Hello. Hello, Maury? Yes. Maury Povich, you've told maybe more people embarrassing news recently.

than anybody else in the world. Do you have any advice for Jack? What we should do when we need to tell somebody their zipper's down? Well, I have an alternative solution. In the most polite way, I would look at the professor and

And I would just stare slightly below his belt, hoping that he would say, is there something wrong? And I would just point down there, make him look at it, and then he would be on his own. And if that did not work...

I would be a little more forceful. I would say, sir, can you turn around? I'm going to go over there and just look at me. No one else. And when it comes to your open zipper, professor, zip it. Just very direct.

Yeah, that is direct. Well, as you know, on my show, it's always been when it comes to the case of six-month-old Samantha, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? You are the father, or you're not the father. That's another case where maybe zip it would have been the best advice. Am I right, Maury? Yeah. Would have told the guy zip it before other things happened.

Are you, in your personal life outside of the show, are you good at being direct with people, telling people things maybe that would be hard to say? Unfortunately, around most of the people who know me, that's correct. I mean, it's just...

Do you have any moments in your life when you look back, Maury, that are like Jack's where you were facing a situation and you had one choice, you could do the right thing. And then you're like, I don't think I can do that. And then you've lived to regret it.

I'll give you one example. I used to be a sportscaster, and I used to cover the then Washington Redskins football team. And I was a sportscaster for a long time, and for a while, about for 10 years. And I went to the coach of the Washington Redskins one time, and it was in the locker room, and there was this bottle of pills. I mean, it could have been salt pills, who knows? And I said, Coach, what are these pills?

that maybe they're uppers or downers or whatever. And the coach looked at me and said, Maury, are you with us or against us? That's when I decided to get out of the sportscasting business and go into news. Wow. Nobody would ever in news say things like that about whether you're with us or against us. Oh, that's great. Yeah.

Well, I think I'm thinking that for for somebody like Jack or any of our listeners who might be might come upon somebody with their zipper down, it would be helpful to have Maury Povich telling them their zippers down. Could could you just just record? I don't know if you want to speak directly to the person with their zipper down. OK, so, sir, I'm looking at you, sir.

Sir, would you do me a favor and just turn away from anybody who's watching you right now? Because I want to tell you something. Sir, when it comes to your open zipper, zip it.

That was riveting. Thank you, Maury. That's terrific. I want to tell you something. You don't think that's happened to me? And now that I'm in my ninth decade, guess what? It happens more often. Do you have a memory of somebody telling you that, that your zipper was down? No, it's not that. Yeah, you know, my wife has told me that on occasion. That's the only person I can remember. Yeah.

Well, let me ask you this. When your wife, who is legendary journalist Connie Chung, tells you that your zipper is down, what does she say? She says, Mari, zip it up, please. Well, Maury Povich, thank you so much for helping us out. I appreciate it, gentlemen. Thank you.

Hey, if you have a question for us, whatever it is, get it to us at howtoatnpr.org. We look at all our emails, we read all our reviews, and they're so great. Everybody has nothing but positive things to say about us. Join the crowd at howtoatnpr.org.

It sounds like you're being sarcastic, but I actually haven't seen anything bad. No, I wasn't being sarcastic. Did it sound like I was being sarcastic? You did. You sounded like you were pointedly talking to somebody who had given us a bad review. Hina? I'm here. Did Mike sound sarcastic to you? I think he sounded a little sarcastic. Whether or not Mike is being sarcastic, I feel like he was. Get us your questions at howtoatnpr.org. And remember, we love you. We do. We do.

That sounded sincere, right?

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This message comes from NPR sponsor Shopify, the global commerce platform that helps you sell and show up exactly the way you want to. Customize your online store to your style. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash NPR. Hey Brent, what can we help you with? My question is, how often should I replace my toothbrush? Okay. Every six months or so I go to the dentist and they give me a new toothbrush. And I was told I should replace it

Sure.

Brent, let me ask you this question. How are your teeth? What kind of condition are your teeth in? Oh, thank you for asking. Well, thanks to decades of my mother and father paying for dentists and orthodontists, I'm okay teeth-wise. I have a mild case of gingivitis, which I'm trying to get rid of. Okay. Yeah. I think there's also a kind of secondary problem with this question, which is like,

If we were to figure out, get the authority that says it's every three and a half months, I'm maybe not necessarily going to put that in my calendar. I'm not going to have the date of, I'm not going to remember when I got the toothbrush. And I think about like with replacing your smoke alarm, your smoke detector, there's that thing when you set your clocks forward or back for daylight savings, you

replace your batteries in your smoke detector so that's like you just have this reminder that is part of culture yeah so i think it would be helpful for something like this to also have like whenever this thing happens replace your toothbrush i wonder if we get if we're going to be able to track down something like that too and possibly get rid of the mild case of gingivitis i appreciate that thank you i wish you good luck

All right, Brent, we have a solution. We've done a little bit of research and we have that sort of mnemonic guide like the smoke detectors that will help you remember when to replace your toothbrush, but also some other household items when we can replace those. And Hina, our producer, is joining us. Hi, guys. Hey, Hina. So, Brent, here we go.

Here's a little music. Okay. Okay, Brent, you should replace your toothbrush every three months. And because you're unlikely to remember every three months,

You need to replace your toothbrush every time somebody named Thrawn is born in America. Thrawn? There are four Thrawns, that's T-H-R-O-N, like Ron, but with a T-H in front of it. T-H-R-O-N, like the word Throne minus E. Yes, or the word Throne minus W. Two things can be true. Keep your eye on the demographic data. Every time you see someone named Thrawn born, go,

go ahead and toss out your toothbrush and get a new one. Okay. That's a good one. What else can we use? Mascara. It's important to replace mascara for your eye health. And you should do that every two to four months. What? And according to one source, that's typically how often the average person gets sick. So every time you get sick,

Replace your mascara. Can I ask you, Hina, do you wear mascara? I'm currently sick, and I've never replaced my mascara. I think I've had it... It might be why you're sick. I think I've had it since I was like 15 years old. The same one? The same one. No, I think, yeah. Are you sick with pink eye by any chance? No. No.

I'm not. Huh. Okay. So I think every time you get sick, replace your mascara. And I think we need to go get Hina some new mascara. Some new mascara. That's a good idea. And some Dayquil. Okay. Surge protectors need to be replaced every three to five years because they lose their surge protection. While they still work as an outlet, they lose their surge protection capability. Really?

So what you want to do, that's the same cadence as whenever the USDA publishes new data on llama farming. Okay. So keep your eye on the USDA website. Whenever you see new data on llama farming or mink farming, you're going to want to replace your surge protector.

So a surge protector is the whole thing, the whole purpose of it. It's going to save you from overloading of the electrical circuit, right? That's yes. And that just kind of on its own breaks down sometime between three and five years. If you're at five years...

Every day is a gift. Your computer is about to explode. Yeah. Wow. I had no idea. And I'm sure I've never done that. A lot of people don't realize you have to replace your plastic cutting boards. Oh, God. This makes sense to me. Hina, how old is your cutting board? Oh, since I was in college. I just use the same cutting board. Scale-wise, I don't think that actually is that crazy. Let's be honest. That's like...

Six years, maybe? That's still okay. From the beginning of college? Alright, so you need to replace your plastic cutting board every two years. Okay. And the best mnemonic for that is...

There are 28 Barry Manilow fan clubs in the country. Okay. But every two years, those 28 clubs get together and have a convention, which Barry Manilow attends. Really? So keep your eye on that calendar. Whenever the Barry Manilow fan club convention meets, you're going to want to throw out your cutting board and get a new one. Do they have a name? Like Jimmy Buffett fans are called Parrot Heads. I'm looking it up. I'm looking it up.

Yeah, that's right. Oh, okay. Wow. I'm glad you asked because... Yeah. Fanalo. They're called Fanalo. I thought you were about to say they were called Berrykudas. Okay, here's a good one. A lot of people don't realize, and this is serious, you have to replace your sunscreen. Sunscreen goes bad and loses its effectiveness every three years.

Okay. So what you want to do to remember that is subscribe to Model Railroader magazine. Okay. And every time Rod Stewart appears on the cover, you're going to want to replace your sunscreen because Rod Stewart appears on the cover of Model Railroader magazine every three years. Wow. Good for you, Rod. That's fantastic. I mean, it's crazy to me that Rod Stewart, the guy who's saying, if you think I'm sexy...

is that deep into model railroad cars. Do you not think model railroad cars are sexy? I don't. All right. To each their own. The rest of that line, if you think I'm sexy, well, that's where you're wrong, bud. All right, Brent. Thanks to Ian's hard work, I think we've now saved you and your mouth from any future catastrophes related to your old toothbrush. Well, that does it for this week's show.

What'd you learn, Ian? Well, I learned that whatever bed a king is sleeping in, by definition, becomes a king-sized bed. So even if it's a tiny cot, maybe for some reason he's sleeping in a twin bunk bed, it's like Air Force One. Whatever plane the president is on, even if it's not the official Air Force One, if the president of the United States is on a plane, you have to call that Air Force One. It becomes Air Force One. Wow. Wow.

Let me ask you this question. What if there was a king who was a twin, who had a brother? Does that bed that he's sleeping in become a twin bed? If the king sleeps on the floor, does then the entire world become a king-sized bed? And then are we, as the human race, all in bed together? Yeah.

Well, I learned that the queen doesn't have an alarm clock. Instead, she has a bagpiper outside her window. Do you think if you had the option for an alarm clock that was a musician playing outside, what would you choose? Queen has a bagpiper. What would you have? I think it would be very interesting to wake up to have a harpist out there. Somebody with a harp. Yeah. Because they would make the sound that we typically associate with beginning a dream to wake me up.

So I would lose my grip on reality because I would never know what was a dream and what was real. And I would slowly become disconnected to the rest of humanity, losing my mind.

How to Do Everything is produced by Hina Srivastava. Technical direction from Lorna White. Our intern is Kelly Cook. Keep smelling, Kelly. Get us your questions at howtoatnpr.org. I'm Ian. And I'm Mike. Thanks. Billy, we have a verdict. We've gone out into the world. We've done some research, and we're ready to tell you

who's right, you or your wife? Well, she's here with me, so... Oh, she is. We'll see how this goes. What's your wife's name? Karen. Karen, okay. Hi, Karen. Hi, how are y'all? All right, so according to the royal butler, the proper way to sleep is between the pretties. Yes. Oh, good. Congratulations, Karen. Yay. And

And Billy, how do you feel now? I have a feeling there's a little bit of humble pie in my future. Well, we hope we wish you all many excellent nights of sleep and a peaceful marriage in the future. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Bye-bye.

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