304: The Captain
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- Babe. - Yeah, babe. - Wow, wow, wow, wow. We have an exciting episode for you. We are joined by the best cat lady we know, Rikki Lindholm. You know Rikki from Knives Out, The Last House on the Left, Lego Batman, Another Period. Please welcome Rikki to the show.

Hi. Hi. How are you? Hey, hey, hey. I was like, oh, hi. You're in. Where are you right now? Are you in a recording booth? I'm in a closet that was a Christmas present from my husband. He turned it into a recording booth. Holy crap. That's nice. Yeah, it's nice, right?

Yeah. Is that why you sound so much better than we do? Do I? Oh, good. No, it's good. Yeah, this is just, he got like a professional person to come in and make it happen.

Oh my gosh. See, that's why I need a husband. You know what I mean? I literally have been saying that you need a whole husband. I ain't got nothing happening. I'm doing all this stuff by myself. Echoes and everything. Okay, so before we go any further, let's just, I'm going to dive into what's happening in this episode. So here's the deal. Schmidt, who is still dealing with the effects of his double breakup, vows to put an end to Nick and Jess. He concocts a plan.

and informs Jess of a sexual something called the Captain that he insists will help Nick with his penile issues. Meanwhile, Winston is on a mission to get Ferguson laid before his neutering. This goes a bit too far and ends with him starting a cat brothel in his room.

Okay, so this episode is directed by Fred Goss, written by JJ Philbin. Let's dive in. Let's dive in. Before we just we get into the meat of the episode, I just want to ask you, Ricky, do you remember like your New Girl origin story? Like...

I do. Like how this all came to be? Well, it's sort of two parts. I remember I was on the, was it the Warner Brothers? The Warner Brothers. I mix up the lots. The Fox lot. The Fox lot. I was on the Fox lot auditioning for something else and I ran into Liz Merriweather and I was like, oh, what are you doing? And she's like, oh, I'm going to pitch this show.

Like she was talking about she's like, it's this girl with these roommates. She was on the way to the pitch. And then when I saw we saw the billboards and stuff, I'm like, that was it. That's the show with the roommates. And yeah. Yeah. So I ran into her on the way. So there was that. And then one night I was I'd worked that day on something else. And I was in the bathtub and my phone kept ringing. So I was like, hello. And they're like, hey, can you come to New Girl tomorrow morning?

And I was like, oh, yes, yes, yes. I love that show. I'm so excited. So it was just someone must have dropped out. I mean, I don't care. Like, I'll take a recast. I don't care. Somebody must have had some sort of last minute dropout thing. Yeah, I got the part. I remember who it was. Who was it? Yeah, it was Oprah. Oh, my gosh. She's always getting all my parts. She's always. Yeah, she would have been great. You see her in the waiting room.

and you both look at each other and you know. Oprah. She is hilarious. That's what she's known for. Very funny. Sitcom queen. She's good at nothing else. Wow, so like a last minute offer that just came in. Yeah, it was like 8 p.m. And I'm not great with lines, so I was like, I was so glad I'd seen the show a bunch because I didn't have to worry about that, but I was just like going over lines and stuff. And then I went in the next day at like 6 a.m. and just...

Yeah. Started. Yeah. Did you know you were going to have to do a lot of cat handling? They did tell me. They're like, are you allergic to cats and can you work tomorrow? I was like, no and yes. What am I doing? Look at Lamar. He's upset. How interesting. They didn't ask you. How interesting.

No, they did not ask me. They didn't give a damn. In fact, I was taking medication. I was getting scratched up all over the place. I still got scratch marks on my hands from purchasing. They could have given a cat to any of us in the show and they chose. And they just didn't care. Yeah, I had two cats at home. I am a loud cat lady. And

And they gave it to Lamorne. Yeah. And also, you know, I wonder if that's what happened to the original person. Maybe they got the script and they were like, I can't hold a cat. I mean, it does sound like Oprah. Yeah. Yeah. Oprah hates, everybody knows she hates her cats. She hates animals and nature. Yeah. And she's hilarious. She has pet kangaroos. She has pet kangaroos in her homes. But it's not just that. You know what I mean? No cats. Wait, so you were allergic that whole time? I didn't remember that part. No.

The whole time. And there have been multiple episodes where I had to be involved with like, not just one cat, but a number of cats. A gang of cats. There was that one. We had, I guess, like I said, multiple episodes where I'm surrounded by these felines, which I'm allergic to. I mean, that's what this is. It's a cat storyline. Yeah, we're holding cats the entire time. There's like barely a shot of you in the episode not holding a cat right here. I know. I know. And you do have to hold it kind of close to your face for the shot.

So you can't hold it like you normally. I'll tell you. It got to the point where I became such a diva about it. Not a diva, but I was bleeding a lot from the scratches. That they decided to get a fake cat for my close-ups. So whenever it was my close-up and you would just see the top of the cat, it was a fake one. What? Was that in our episode? Or that was later? No, that was later. Oh, okay. Because I was like, I don't remember that at all.

No, no. They would have Ferguson in scenes sometimes with Lamorne and I, and I'm holding Ferguson for no reason that's ever explained in the show. I'm just holding him. They're like, well, Lamorne's eyes are really red and he has scratches all over his head. There's Cece just holding a cat for no reason. Did you guys have an action cat or no?

An action cat? I did a sitcom pilot once. It didn't get picked up, but there was a cat as part of the storyline. And they had two sort of identical looking cats. And one was the sleepy cat and the action cat. Like a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen cat? Yeah. We'd be holding Ashley for all the nice parts. And then they would swap out the cat. They'd be like, action cat. And this cat would come in when it had to do choreography, like move across the room.

We did that with your kids sometimes on the show, Hannah. Really? What? Action kids? Oh, because there's twins. Oh, right. There were twins. Yeah. There were twins. Yeah. Yeah.

Ferguson was a solo act. So if Ferguson was not in the mood to work that day, guess what? We were punting and we were doing something else. Because once he started yawning, oh my God, once he started yawning, then the cat wranglers would go, he's tired, he must go to sleep. And they would just take him away. And I was like, I'm tired. Don't nobody come and carry me off. Like, I'm tired, I'm allergic, I'm covered in stretcher, I can't breathe. Everyone's like, oh, we do not care.

We do. Yeah. And I saw Ferguson's paycheck. Did you really? You did for real. Ferguson was making. Ricky and I were like. We're like, is it more than us? We're like, please. I bet cats make more than women, don't they? Cats, yes. So there was the men on the show, then there was the cats, and then there was the women on the show. That makes sense. That's how much they pay. Ferguson was making $212,000 an episode. Whoa. That makes sense.

The facts, by the way, the facts on the Oprah. We got Oprah in here. This is all real. The world's richest cat. Yeah. Okay, we got to dive into this episode, you guys. We have to get in because I, for some reason, when I said I was called the captain, I thought it was like the episode we shot on the boat. On the boat, no. That would make sense. Right? No. And then I was like, wait a minute. It doesn't seem like they're going to end up on the Queen Mary. What's happening here? And then I learned what the captain was and then I felt traumatized. Yeah. Yeah.

All right, let me kick it off. Okay, so post-sex, right? Nick rolls over in bed and pours water all over his face, as one does after a night of action. And Jess says she wants to film it, but she doesn't want to film it because then that would just be pornography. Now, have you had...

these this is a disgusting maybe like ricky and i was like don't ask keep going why are you asking this question well because i'm like when i watched it i was like when i watched it i was like man that don't happen that don't happen i'm getting up what doesn't happen ah you were good oh so are you oh my gosh let's talk about how great we were after doing it i think only in sort of like one night situations if they seem insecure yeah

And you want them to like still be your friend. You're like, yeah, that was because it's you put it in the past. You're like, that was awesome. You're sort of tying it up with that. I think that's that. Yeah. Wow. That was so great. Now that that's over. That was amazing. You know,

Right? You tie it up with a compliment. No, I agree. I 100% agree. Now, Jess suggests that maybe they take a break from sex and talk about their childhoods. You know, really get into each other's heads. Nick says he's going to go banana it before round two instead of talking about his feelings. I don't know what that meant until I realized what that meant. He's just going to go load up on some potassium. Just say you're going to give it a banana. You don't need to create a cute little way of saying it. That's the new girl way, though.

It is. You gotta have a cute little, yeah, little cute, there's cute little things everywhere. Right? Yeah, it is true. That was their whole thing. The misdirect in language. I feel like it was a big thing on New Girl. You're like, what? They wrote that line where you had to go, is it? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, 100%. He's gonna just go eat a banana. Now, meanwhile, Schmidt, he's in the living room. He doesn't understand how Nick and Jess are so loud because they are apparently very, very loud. He can't get it because Nick's body is oh so soft that it should absorb sound. So rude. Winston tells Schmidt that being dumped by two women on the same day has to be a record. And...

Schmidt pledges that he is going to put an end to Nick and Jess. Now, we talked about this in the last episode. This is a very sinister version of Max. He's on a mission. Very weird, weird Schmidt. He really is such a good actor that you still feel sorry for him. You can still sympathize with him. If he was a slightly worse actor, the crowd would turn against him and they'd be like, he needs to just apologize and change and be boring. But Max can pull it off.

I know that was the whole there was so many articles written around season three of if it was anyone else, it would like sink a series because you just made one of the most beloved characters like so intentionally cruel. And just kept going with it. And nothing to do with them. He's not like they'd be better off apart. He's like, I would be better if they're apart. Yeah. If you're apart. Yeah. And really is like a menace about it. Tries to ruin their sex life. That is dark.

Has anyone tried to do that to you? Ruin your relationship? Break someone up? Not that I know of. Possibly, but not that I'm aware of. I think someone did that to me once. Really? Yeah, I haven't confronted them about it yet, but I will. Was it recent? No, no, it was a few years ago. But for real? Yeah. You think somebody got involved and changed someone's mind? Over the years, you start to realize certain things and you go, hold on.

- Was it you this entire time? It's like that movie, "Wicker Park." - That is so sad. - You ever see that movie, "Wicker Park" with Josh Hartnett and Rose Byrne and-- - No. - Oh my gosh. Anyway, I don't wanna get into that 'cause we're talking about "New Girl," not "Wicker Park."

But I've seen usual suspects. It's very like, oh, that was you. Oh, you know, the same as your breakup. Yes, 100 percent. We broke up at Kaiser Permanente. Anyway. OK, so so Winston suggests to Schmidt that he should invest in one of his survival kits because.

He goes into his bag and he's got a blindfold. He's got a bell wrapped around a ribbon so they can hear when he's coming. That's so stupid. Unbelievable.

It's so dumb. And meanwhile, Jess and Nick, they lie about going to have sex in the bathroom and they can't lie, obviously. And it's giddy. This is a strange moment for me because I used to have roommates. It was me and I lived with three different women. And this is right around. It's like right soon after or soon before I booked New Girl. I think I told you about this, Hannah. And there were times I had one rule when they moved in. I said, I just don't want to hear it.

And I don't want to see no dudes in my kitchen with their shirts off. They could be in the kitchen. I just don't want to see, you know what I mean? Post-coital chest. I don't want to see it. That's a fair ask. Yeah. And the amount of times that not only did I hear it, but did I see post-coital chest post-coital?

in my kitchen. You set rules and boundaries and they were like, cool. Yep. No problem. Moved in. And then they immediately were like, I ain't doing any of that shit. Go out there and make me a sandwich. Make it.

I know. How did this happen? Now, normally, you know, cause I'm like, Oh, I don't care. You know, like if it happens, I'm going to address it. But one time it happened and this man must've been a bodybuilder and he was just in my refrigerator. He's like, Hey bro. I was like, what, who, who are you? And he's like, Oh man, I'm just a friend. And he's like, you mind if I, I was like, yeah, do your thing. And he just walks by. I'm talking out of breath, sobbing,

Sweaty. With vitamin water in his hand. Not out of breath. I was like, I moved out. Did you? That was it. That was like the final straw for you. I was like, listen, if we can't follow simple rules, you guys. That's really easy. Put a shirt on. That's so easy. Yeah. Or maybe their plan worked.

Oh, 100%. They're trying to get me gone. Like, work yourself up. Pretend you're out of breath. Go out there. This is rent controlled. We want him gone. Yeah. Puff up your chest. It's going to be great. I want that second bedroom. Now, they have this conversation. Yeah, they have this conversation about what Winston's got going on. Ferguson needs to be neutered.

And so he needs to get himself laid. Right. Like he wants him to get laid before. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a little you know what I mean? Is that I don't I don't have cats. You know what I mean? Is that like a real conversation or a thought before you go and neuter? No. You just go you get neutered.

No, I mean, this is a man, Winston, who thinks he's got to spell out the word vet in front of the cat. He's not all there, okay? He went V-E-T. Well, just because the cats can understand. I didn't understand the logic in that because cats understand what we're saying when you give them commands, when you say things like,

True. True. You go, boo! They run. You know what I mean? Yeah. I hope they don't give a boo to any cats. What are you doing to these cats? No wonder they're scratching you. Get them out of here. They're always in my backyard, the strays. I don't know.

So Nick and Jess say they need to throw a cat bachelor party to get him laid. They're laughing. But of course, Winston. He's not kidding. He's down. This is the greatest idea I've ever heard. Oh, yeah. One hundred percent. And just then Schmidt walks in with a sheet cake, a massive cake, just in typical New Girl fashion.

One of the roommates stopped and had a cake made to celebrate Nick and Jess's one month anniversary. But Nick and Jess obviously don't trust him. Now, Nick says after Schmidt watched the Titanic, he started the Billy Zane fan club, the Zaniacs. And that infuriates Jess. Mm hmm.

And then Nick walks into Schmidt's room. Schmidt reminds him that usually one month into a relationship, Nick is panicky and he's overthinking. You know, he's distant, he's nervous, he's sweaty, he's overthinking and he's also overthinking. And then... - That was a great Max and Jay scene. - Yeah. - Where he's just like stirring him and stirring him. - He's stirring him. And which is a real thing. When you get into a person's head,

The results that happen on New Girl are sometimes, you know, reflected in real life. That can happen if you get into your head. Sometimes it just don't. It never happened to me.

Never happened to me. I just heard about it in an article that this happens to men sometimes. They can't perform the way they want to perform. And so far, it seems as if Schmidt's, his plan to break them up is slowly working. Because when Nick's in bed with Jess, like I said, it doesn't quite go the way

he wants it to go and she tries everything which is uh what'd you say uh that's the way she wants it to go oh yes yes it is really riding that line i'm like wow they got away with a lot on network tv there was like the head going down i'm like oh i didn't know we could do that that's yeah

And they were honest on that show. There was a lot of standards and practices like that were there all the time because I feel like that was also like Liz has a cheeky sense of humor, right? So she likes to kind of push it. And I was surprised how much we got away with in this episode too. I was like, wow. Yeah. Oh yeah. It was so funny though. Yeah. What did she say? The reverse psychology method. I'm not attracted to you. I don't think you're sexy. I think you're fat. Cut.

Cut to her all blue, Papa Smurf blue face. Then she punches him in the face. That was funny. So two episodes, the episode prior, he gets punched in his penis twice by Cece. And then this episode, Jess punches him in the face.

Now, the funniest part of that moment is the next morning they're still awake and she goes, well, the sun finally came. Well, at least the sun man managed to get up. Brutal. Brutal. I'm like, what's your approach now? Just to destroy this man into a thousand pieces. Yeah. Okay. Now we jump into some Ricky action here. Yeah, we get to meet Ricky.

Um, Ricky and fatty and fatty. Yeah. What was that? Where did that come from? I don't know, but it was really, yeah, it was just one of those things where I just kind of looked at the lines, stayed up and then kind of came. It was like, I was, I felt like I was filming six minutes after I got the job. It was just very fast. Oh yeah. They're like, here you are in your pet store. Here's a cat. His name's fatty. Yeah. No question. Anything. Yeah. It was really, um,

So at the pet shop, Winston's asking the workers if the cat that they have is slutty. Winston's so stupid. He starts a conversation with a woman customer there who is picking up her cat. Who is slutty. Who is? Yeah, she's ready. I didn't say it. I'm just using that lingo.

But that's the funny game in this episode is I'm trying to get my cat laid and you are... Because you don't know the ways of Winston. He's a perfect stranger. You think he's trying to get himself laid with you. And I think it's going really well. Yeah. I'm like, wow, this guy... Okay, let's skip everything. Let's get right to it. I was... Showed him the wine. Yeah. I think at one point when you... I forget the exact line when your character says you should bring wine and he's like, I don't think they...

I love when you're like, do you have all your parts? I'm like, mm-hmm. Like, what is he talking about? I'm like, yeah, I guess I do. You know what it is, though? I feel like everyone's been in that scenario, right? When you're like out in the dating world and someone says something that you don't quite understand, but you're like, mm.

Absolutely. Sure. Love that. But you don't know really what's going on, but you're just hoping that was like a non sequitur thing. And then it will just keep moving down this very obvious path. This happened recently to me. This happened recently. Yeah. I was on a work trip, went on what I thought was a date with a lovely young lady. And it turns out it wasn't quite a date. I mean, based off of our interactions,

and our text messages of what was happening, I thought it was a date, and it turns out, not so much. And I didn't realize that until like 3:30 in the morning. 3:30 in the morning, it was like, wait, what?

Oh, this is like an informational Hank for you. Thank you. Informational Hank. I'm just going to give you advice. Informational Hank. You don't do informational Hanks late at night. Those are like Zooms at 11. Yeah. Hit me up for coffee.

I remember having a date where it was definitely a date, but I wasn't sure what he was talking about. He kept going, well, people like us. And he kept saying, well, people like you and me. And he kept having, and I was like, I didn't know what he was talking about. And then he was like, and this was not that. He's trying to recruit you to a white nationalist group? No, no. It wasn't like that, but he was like, it was like not that long. It was like 2018 or something.

And he's like, well, he's like, you said you're an actor, right? He's like, people like us, like we just will never get work. Well, it'll never happen for us. And I was like, oh, OK. And he's like, yeah, you're like, oh, I want to be in comedy. Well, you know, people like us, you know, just doesn't work out. And I was like, oh, and then I couldn't correct him. I couldn't be like it worked out for me. You know, I was like, I had to be like, yep.

Losers like us. It's just the world against us. And then I just played along with the fact that nothing was going right for either of us the rest of the date. And then I just went home. I was like, wow, that was a terrible date. That was an odd approach. We'll never be a success. Let's link up together. I'll also do no research on who I'm going on a date with. Didn't Google me nothing. We just like met. He was like Sandy. He like came right from the beach and sat down like. Sandy! Whew.

He's like, well, people like us. And I was like, wow, this is a really weird date. You leave, there's a massive billboard of you on the outside. Turn your head. Don't look that way. That's for people not like us. Yeah. It was really weird though. But you can't correct someone. You can't be like, it's going okay for me. You just have to be like, no. Absolutely not. We're going to go on a quick little break here. But when we come back, Hannah,

No, we're not. We're not going to play a guessing game. But when we come back, we're going to talk about the remainder of this episode. We're going to talk about the captain. We're getting to the captain. Okay. So what we're going to have to do with these outlines is erase where's the bear, Hannah. Because I know you're so excited to just ask me. Every time. Because you're. Okay. You know what? Let's talk about it right now on the podcast for one second. Okay. Because here's the thing. I know we're not supposed to talk about the bear because I'm doing my own bear thing. But I just want to say Chicago brown bear. Okay.

Chicago brown bear? Was that a picture of a... Ricky, sorry. He does say Chicago brown bear in the episode. Thank you so much! Do you have bear merch? Where's the bear merch? I think I'm going to earn my own bear merch when we do that final episode. And I think people are going to buy it. It is a big fan theory that there is a bear in every episode. Lamorne says no, I say yes. It was taking up so much time of the podcast. I heard that episode and there's definitely a brown bear in this one.

Thank you so much. All right. We'll see you after the break. Okay. Well, you got lucky.

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This month, I'm diving into earning cash back in the health and beauty category. As someone who's always searching for the best sun protection, it's amazing to get cash back while shopping for the products I love. Those impulse buys feel even more rewarding. Download the new PayPal app, then sign up to pay smart in-store and online with the PayPal debit card. Don't just pay, PayPal.

Terms and limits apply. See paypal.com slash rewards pal. Cash back earned as points redeemable for cash and other options on up to $1,000 spend per month. The PayPal debit MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank N.A., pursuant to license by MasterCard International Incorporated and may be used everywhere MasterCard is accepted. And we are back. We're back at the loft. Nick and Jess, they eat cereal in silence. Jess says she talked to her mom and dad about this. Ha ha ha.

His non-working member. That's the one thing you don't do is tell anybody. But I could imagine for all those guys that it happened to that the significant other that they're laying with has told multiple people. You think? Yeah, I don't think...

People are keeping that to themselves. Really? Yeah. I just, I don't know. There's something about it. It's a funny thing. I think you're telling us more about you than the rest of the world. That's something I would keep to myself, except if it was like an ongoing problem, I might consult my best friend and be like, it's been three months. If there was like a real problem, but if

but if it was like one time, I don't think I would tell anyone. It feels like that's like a breach of the trust circle. - Guys, relax. It was one time after I was drinking. I was out late. It was late. I was tired. I had work that day. Relax, you guys. - Relax. - But she told her parents, big no-no.

And Justin Schmidt, he exits the room and he lets Jess know that if she's having a Nick problem.

of like, it wasn't a made up excuse. You had to move your car. It was like 8 a.m. The street cleaners are coming. You're parked on this side and not on that side. You have to run down. You have to get in your car with everybody else who's moving their car. And now you're just like running around the like little block trying to find a spot to put your freaking car.

And that you got to look at the time and be like, when do I have to move my car again? And it was a real thing. And it was such an LA bit of writing that I loved so deeply because this show is like, you know, she chose to set it here so she could shoot LA for LA, Liz. And so I was, I just loved that little bit because I remember, it took me back to that. You know, like, you mean you don't, you never, well, that's true. You were playing at Hollywood, you had a parkade. That's true. I've always had a parkade. But you haven't,

It's a parkade. A parkade. It's so Canadian of you. I've never heard of that. It sounds like that butter substitute, parquet, from the 80s. A parkade. It's a parkade. I've never heard of a parkade. That place in Ontario.

- Just smear a little parkade on it. - Yeah, no, I've never, a parking garage, sure, a parking lot, absolutely. I've never had to park on the street. - You have never like stayed at a friend's house and stayed overnight and then in the morning had to like move your car?

I'm not moving my car, I'm leaving. They all had parking garages too. That's true. I'm not moving my car, I'm leaving. Like I'm fleeing this person's apartment. 8 AM, gotta go, bye bye. All right, I took me back. I don't know, made me laugh so hard. I just remember that being like, oh God, I gotta move my car. Sucked. Now Schmidt, he exits the room, he lets Jess know that if she's having a Nick problem, that he could help her out. Now remember, he is playing mind games. This man is manipulating the both of them.

She doesn't necessarily see it coming. He tells her that his diploma was in communications, you know, but that he and his heart majored in Nicholas studies, which gets her, you know what I mean? It gets her. She got got.

But then she didn't she didn't told the man's best friend that he's not their arch nemesis right now. Yeah. Like I don't know. Like he has declared himself as such. Yeah, 100 percent. And so what he does is is he he tells her that the only thing that can get Nick going is a little little dance move in the bedroom called the captain dance.

Dan's move is putting it lightly. It seems to be way more involved. I like how every time he gets to the specifics, he blends the smoothie. Wild gesturing happens. Oh, yeah. So I can only imagine it was pretty disgusting because at the end you have to like... And then the line, how comfortable are you with racial... Ma'am? I swear, I was just like...

What a line. What a thing. So let's your imagination do all the work. Let's all the viewers imaginations figure out what the captain is. For all the viewers and listeners out there, please put in the comments what you think the captain is and have you tried it?

No, thank you. Yes. No, I don't think so. Send it to Lamorin specifically. Yes. I will definitely respond. Oh wait, the dolphin sounds when he's like, you have no time to learn all the dolphin sounds.

And then when they start and she gets in the room and the lights go out and then she makes whatever that sound is. I was. Oh, yeah. Now, meanwhile, there's also a bam chicka wow wow situation happening with the two of you. Yeah. Winston's got some some R&B playing and some some catnip on his hand.

And then you come in, right? I'm ready. You're ready. Again, you're ready, but he is like, okay, what are we doing with these cats? Where do we stand while they have sex? I'm like, what? The cats don't drink. I like the fact that Winston is so fully oblivious. He has now mentioned several times about like, I'm alone. I'm alone. I'm the fifth wheel. And now when you watch this interaction he has, you go like,

you've probably had lots of opportunities to be with people. He's just like, how can you be this blind? This woman is in your bedroom. She is ready and willing. She's gorgeous. And I remember, I remember asking like, do I really make it that obvious? And they're like, yep. I'm like, okay. I'm like, am I downplaying it? They're like, do not. Do not. He's really that dumb. Yeah.

Is he really that dumb? He's really that dumb. Yeah. People always ask me, they go, when was the moment that you realized your character was that dumb? And I always tell them it's this season. This season, uh,

I mean, just pure stupidity. Well, in this episode, it's kind of a three-way dumb off between you and Jake and Zoe. It's like they're believing this captain thing. Oh, yeah. All three of them are. Captain happening. Yeah, 100%. So then, obviously, nothing's happening in this room. But in Nick's room, Jess says they need to talk.

She says that she was uncomfortable. This is post-captain. This is post-captain. So here they are post-captain. It looked, to be honest with you, it looked like it went well.

That's what I thought too when they're both relying there. I was like, looks like this was actually like a good time for them. Yeah. But as we learned, they always say when it was. So they didn't, you know, in the opening, they're like, that was very good. That was this time. The silence. That's true. We were like, oh, this was like a good thing. You're right. They didn't sit there and like give handshakes afterwards. Suspect.

Well, she lets him know that she was uncomfortable with it. And she wants to know how does the captain normally go? And he tells her,

What the hell's wrong with you? I've never done that before in my life. And he only did it because he thought she wanted to do it. And Jess says she only did it because Schmidt told her it was Nick's favorite thing to do. And then that's when like, you know, the cat's out of the bag. I mean, that's like a usual suspects moment where she like all of a sudden goes, bump, bump, bump, bump, connects the whole thing. And she goes raging out of the room. Oh, 100%. To find Schmidt who is delighted. Yeah.

Yep. And just starts out of the room screaming. She's going to kill Schmidt, which she should because actually they should be, in my opinion, they should be mad at themselves for the man told them, I am going to do everything to break you up. And then they just start listening to everything that he's saying. Like he brought a cake. It must not be true. It's 100%. 100%. Yeah. Now, what's the spyglass? Yeah.

I don't know what it was, but I don't want to know. Please don't DM me anything. I don't want to know what that is. The captain goes a long way, man. I don't know. Has anybody ever looked that up? Have you ever looked? Joelle, have we looked up if anyone's tried this? What are you talking about right now? New Girl fans are aggressive. It's a dangerous Google. There has to be a porn of the captain. There has to be.

There has to exist. It's rule 32, right? That's what it's called? Yeah. If it exists, there's a porn version of it. Yes. So there's definitely a Captain Porn. Has to be. Oh my gosh. I can only... Oh boy. I wonder if Jake actually acted in that. Summer's off. Oh my gosh. That is nothing. I'm just like, I hope not. Because it sounds like it's terrifying. Minimum fan fiction. Yeah.

New Grand Theft Action of the Captain. Absolutely. We're going to find out. But I will not Google that. My algorithm. No. No. Is there any wholesome ones that are just cute? Or are they all dirty? Wait, when did the I'm the Captain Now movie come out?

Was it before? Were we ahead of the curve or is this a reference to who gets to be the captain? I bet it was right around that time. Yeah, was it the same? Because New Girl was also really good at that. If something was like really popular in the zeitgeist, it just like somehow weave it into the show. Oh, yeah. One hundred percent. Hey. All right. Where's that guy? He won the Oscar.

Where did he go? Wait, he won, right? He did. I am the cup to know. Yeah. I think I've seen him in a few other movies since then. But, you know, sometimes one role is perfect for you. You know, you get that lightning in the bottle right there. You know what I mean? So Schmidt then says, well, job done. Bye. Enjoy your breakup. And this is a beautiful moment in the Nick Jess relationship because they go like, no, let's that's that's worth. That's a stay with this.

We're just going to go right in and open up with our feelings. And that's really like this huge growth moment for like the Nick character to sit there and to choose the feelings. It was very sweet. It was legitimately gave me a chill. I was like, oh, that's so, yeah, that was very nice. I thought that was sweet. Yeah. That was dumb. Yes, it was very sweet. I thought that was dumb. Dumb as hell. Yeah.

Maybe that's why I'm single and y'all married. Maybe that's why I'm over-raised. He talks about that story where he saw the zebra named Gavin at the zoo had a baby and he cried and then he got a penny to commemorate it and then he lost the penny and he cried. I thought it was just really sweet and then they kind of find their way through this moment and they don't let Schmidt defeat them and then they make out and they're just like, we're back on and Schmidt, you see Schmidt fully now, crack. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Because that's it. He's out of ideas. He physically tries to break them up. That's right. He physically forces himself in between them. Asks, why would you just break up? And Schmidt, obviously, he's hearing noises coming from out. I mean, Winston, he's hearing noises coming from outside of his room and he gets pissed off. It causes Ferguson to get up and walk away from the other cat. And he's still...

- And all this, he's still dumb. - No big moment of growth for Winston here. - No. - No. - Nope. Let's see. - He wins the dumb off ultimately 'cause the other two come out of it, but you do not. You do not stop me. I leave and you just let me. You're like, "Meh." - That moment where you had to like piece it together as a character though, Ricky, I thought was so great because I honestly, you know how like sometimes people in a scene will just like,

say what they see. But truly, if you were just realizing that this man, that you brought a bottle of wine, right? Sat in his bedroom, had zero interest in you, and you were just there to watch your cats have

have sex, you would be so astounded. You would say very little. Yeah. Like it would be so shocking. I thought you just did like this incredible job of conveying, of putting out like how it all came together in the brain and being like, bye. And I decided my care. I decided that my character had had like, this was like the eighth bad date she had, where she was just like, well, cool. Like this might as well happen. Goodbye. You know, I was also like, yeah. So it wouldn't be too sad. You know what I love about our loft?

Every guest star ends up in the bathroom at some point. There's always a moment of like, they happen to be there for some reason. Like there was no reason. That to me is probably more prevalent than the bear. That a guest star must...

inside of our weird bathroom. Because it's hard to shoot in. It's really small. They have to move walls. Very tiny. Yeah, that's like... You have all these big rooms. It also always felt gross because of the urinals, even though they're just...

I once remember seeing somebody from like our crew, like sitting on one of the urinals, like eating a sandwich at lunchtime. But they're just, you know, cause they're not you. It's fine. It's a seat, I guess. Sure. But I was just like, it's just makes me feel gross. This bathroom always just makes me feel gross, which is a shout out to the great department that built it. You can have those real feelings.

Schmidt then starts to just pound birth control like a lunatic going full wheel so that they can't have sex because he's like taking their birth control. And he's never heard of condoms. He lives in a world where condoms do not exist. Well, he cuts up the condoms and I think he knows that like Nick's character is so broke that's probably like a lot of his money. He's like, I took all the condoms. You're done. Goodbye. I love

the fact that after even after even after she she is it's like the confusion is there that oh she wanted to sleep with winston winston realizes this and when he's upset he's still not upset about that he's upset that ferguson didn't get not even a second is he like should i go see no this woman's in my apartment wanting to sleep with me should i go five seconds out of my way no no just let that go forever yeah yeah

So now we have a loft meeting. Funny. Yeah, loft meeting. He feels, Schmidt thinks he feels the effect of the birth control pills. They've taken immediate effect and now he's feeling all of these like feminine aches and pains. Yeah, with his blanket around his body. But he realizes something now. He can't break them up. He's got to deal with it. That's what Jess does. You got to just deal with it. Right. You got to face it. And then Winston says a very iconic line about a cat brothel.

Which makes me laugh. There is no way I have a cat brothel going on in my room and I'm the only normal person in this loft. Oh my gosh. Very new girl moment. And then, so then Schmidt goes in, I guess, leaves a letter. We don't know what it says and slides it under Cece's door. She gets it, reads it and trashes it. And he sees that. It's a gum receptacle. Yeah. That's right. She puts her gum in it. She's like, I don't like this gum.

That's gross. What a asshole Cece is to Schmidt in this moment. You can't let it go. I can't let it go. I can't let it go because you clearly have moved on quickly. I'm like, who is this man? Who is this?

Who is this man? But you know, they set this up in season one that Cece and Schmidt have the same thing where physical intimacy is easy. Emotional intimacy is really hard for them. And they're built the same way. And I think that's why you kind of see that. And that's also why, like, especially for him, like he's a unique character for someone to fall madly in love with. And I think that that's why they connect so much because they get each other on that level.

This ending though, between Jess and Nick, where they talk about the best month of their life. And this is so wonderful in the relationship. And now they're going to go hook up again, but now Nick won't stop talking about his feelings. Reminds me of when Bruce Willis did his character on friends. Do you remember this with Jennifer Aniston? And she works so hard to get him to like open up about his feelings. And then he just won't get off the couch and just stops crying. He starts crying about everything, about his dog, his puppy Edwin. He's like,

And she's like, oh no, what have I done? You know what's funny about this? Right before then, when she comes in the room, he surprises her with this soundproofed room that he took egg cartons. Oh yeah, with the egg crates. Yeah, yeah. They needed, Ricky, they needed your husband. I know, they did. Yeah.

Full circle moment. Whoever he hired to do this, yeah. Oh my God. He yells and then immediately Winston comes in. What's wrong? I heard yelling because the soundproofing just does not work. But also how come he couldn't afford condoms, but he could afford soundproofing? It feels like he went through, here's what it looked like to me. It felt like he just found stuff from like the recycling bin downstairs, the egg cartons. And then it looks like he got, cause she did a lot of sewing.

Like it just looked like it was like random fabrics. And I think it was like stapled or taped to the wall. Like it doesn't, it feels like, yeah, it feels like a very Nick Miller. No, it doesn't look like this. He needed a whole husband. That's what he needed. Yeah. My favorite part is with Jess on Buttons Her Shirt while Nick continues to talk about his feelings. He feels like he can see her in 3D. He's feeling all the feelings. Yeah, bro. Everyone sees it 3D. Yeah.

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If you're just tuning in, we are covering episode 304, and we are here with Rikki Lindholm. Hi.

We're about to do a little thing called the mess around. We're all going to mess around with each other, not the way you're probably thinking, not like this episode. Nobody's thinking about it. Yeah, stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about it, Hannah. Get it out of your head. We're not going to captain. Okay, so we talked about this a little bit because the first question is, what do we think the captain actually entail? We didn't get into specifics.

But we can. The dolphin sounds have thrown me off. Like, I can't even begin to imagine the weirdness if you have to turn the lights off and then act like a dolphin. Like, I'm already out. Like, I don't have that much weirdness in my brain to, like, to kind of build on what else could be involved. I think I know what it is. I think I do, too. What do you think it is? Oh. It's like, you got horizontal. So, you know, she's like this. Or, yeah, or he's like this. And he's laying face up. And then she's here. And then she's.

dolphins her way down and they dock. But what about the spyglass? What's the spyglass then? Well, because when she's up there first, she's got to go back and find where she's the docking port. You know what I mean? And then she's the connector, if you will. And then she's got to figure out how to properly line it up and dock.

Like a dolphin. But they do it like dolphins. You know what I mean? Yeah. And every once in a while they yell out a racial slur. I don't know why they do that. I don't know. I don't know. The clean yourself up immediately part feels very strange. Yeah. I feel like because you got to clean yourself up, it's such a slippery slope that one could perform the captain at Diddy's house, but anywhere else they don't have the proper amount of baby oil. Yeah.

You can't do that anywhere else. I think it's all a distraction technique. I think she, like, distracts him with weird stuff. Like, the way you're supposed to, like, if you get, you know, cornered by a predator, you're supposed to say something bizarre to, like, throw them off for a second so you can get away. She, like, distracts him by doing all this weird thing, making weird noises. And then she uses a finger and then, like, doctor, like, gets it out. And then before he even knows it happened, he's already cured. And they can go back to normal. That's what I think.

she pulls something out of him yeah her yeah what do you think yes yes I don't know how dirty this podcast is she pulls the thing she's supposed to pull out of him yeah oh she put anal beads inside of him no her fingers she does like oh my god Lamorne I didn't know what she was talking about she digitally inserts she does a doctor's she does a a

while she's distracting him. She's the doctor captain. Yes. It's like what you do to a bull or a cow. What? Got it. I've never been inside of a bull or a cow. The captain at the farm. Oh my God. That's what I feel. Now I'm really excited to see what Reddit has to say about the captain.

Maybe we should ask JJ. Hey, JJ, what did you mean by the captain? JJ Philbin wrote this, right? JJ Philbin wrote this episode directed by Fred Goss. Super funny humans. I'm sure there were discussions. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Of what it could be. 100%. That's a fun one. All right. And what do we think Schmidt wrote in the letter to Cece? How grown do we think Schmidt is? Do you think he took some accountability? Did he say he was really sorry? Do you think he could like...

He probably just said something like, can we please talk or something? Something like that. He's not going to express his feelings in the actual card. He's like, hey, this is a gesture. I would love to sit down and explain myself. And then she was just like, no, Jared is leaving my apartment right now. I think he wrote down exactly what Jared said.

Jake's what's his character oh my gosh I'm blanking total mom branded oh Nick what Nick said I think he wrote down what Nick said thinking oh that works talking about the zoo he just wrote that down and was like does that work for me I think he took his story oh interesting what if he wrote down a very detailed instructional manual on the captain laughing

I know your love language. Let's fix this in the bedroom. These are all very valid pitches, I feel like, for what a Schmidt character would do. Because who knows? He's making some wild choices this season. Oh, 100%. Hey, Ricky, what shirt are you wearing? Oh, I don't know. Same as you. Yay! Yay!

Isn't it crazy that we had Taylor Swift on this episode? I mean, she was Taylor Swift still at the time, but she wasn't like Taylor Swift. On the show. She wasn't in this episode. Oh, well, yes. Sorry. On the show. I got excited. I remember seeing her on CSI and I was like, she had like a kind of small part. Yeah. It was like right near. It was kind of Romeo and Juliet era. It was like she still had like very dark hair and she, you know, she was like a victim in a motel.

No way. What? Yeah, she used to do... I had no idea. You know when singers have sort of like one hit and they'll give them like a couple lines on something? Like it's like that. Get out of town. I want to find that for sure now. I thought that her being on New Girl was like her like TV...

I need to, you know, I need to get a hit. Put me on, put me on one of your albums so I can get a hit. And then I can go. Do you want to be, I'm literally recording an album like in this. He's such a good singer, Ricky. He's like genuinely a phenomenal singer. I'm not, don't let her lie to you, but please go watch Saturday night. It's a theaters now. I can't wait to see it. Do you know, I have not seen a movie since my son was born except on a plane.

Really? Yeah, it's been two and a half years since I've seen a movie, except if I'm on a plane. Are you going to go to the theater to watch this one? Yes. You can leave your kids in the car. It's fine. Yes, that's a famously responsible thing to do with your children. And then to announce it loudly on a podcast. Yeah. Well, thank you very much for being with us today. Thank you for having me. It was so fun. Thank you. And thank you for my shirt. I love it.

Oh, absolutely. And please, Hannah and I both will be on the album. You just got to say the word, say when and where, and we will be there. You don't want me on the album. I would love that. Hannah got songs. Hannah got hits. Are you really going to play? Don't you dare play this right now. I'm not playing anything. Hannah, what are you talking about? Hannah, I'm not. I can see you. Hannah, you got to stop this. Hannah, you got to stop this. I told him I sang a song.

for a Disney show that they sprung on me last second. They're like, "You have to sing." I was like, "I can't. I genuinely am not a singer. I can't sing. Like, I can't even pretend. You know, like, I don't have that thing. And I'm not trying to be humble. I know where my talents lie. It's not there." And then I had to sing the song. What was the song called again?

It was called, it was from the Mira soundtrack and it's "If I Were a Goat." "If I Were a Goat." Oh, I remember that song. "If I Were a Goat." Honestly, Ricky, it's truly this embarrassing thing and now Lamorne loves it. Okay, so this is his favorite thing now to play. It's so good.

Lots of auto-tune, you weren't wrong. They were like, let's help this child. They should have played this when you won the Emmy. Was your walk-on song that would have been the greatest moment of my life? I would have just been like, I'm leaving the world now. Everything has been accomplished. Where were you?

Ricky needed to be there to sit there and whisper to someone's ear, do this, you'll love it. His favorite song. It was in the show, I swear. You don't remember that? Oh my gosh. Well, where can all the folks find you? Oh, yeah. Instagram, Ricky Lindholm, same TikTok, YouTube, all the same. I've got a bunch of songs coming out soon. And I have a show that's touring now called Dead Inside. It's a one-woman show about infertility. It is a comedy, though. Oh, wow.

But I've been touring. I just did it at Edinburgh. Now I'm touring it. Yeah, I'm doing a solo musical. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's about the long journey to have my son. Wow. Well, Grammy, Tony, all those things. Yeah, that's right. You got race. Yeah. Yeah. It's exciting. Let us know when it's here in L.A. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you for this. Thank you for joining. Thank you for having me.

Of course. Thank you so much for listening. Be sure to follow us on IG, The Mess Around Pod. And head to our website, TheMessAroundPod.com. You can get your hands on these cute shirts we're wearing this episode. Yes, Elaine and Chevy forever. Forever, ever. We'll be back next week with episode 305, The Box.

excited that was the mess around this has been an iHeartMedia production our executive producer is Joelle Monique our engineer and editor is Mia Taylor additional production from Daniel Goodman Wendy Heisler and Kyle Chevron our theme song was written and composed by Ronald Jukebox Jackson so we're gonna catch you next time