113: Valentine's Day
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Ring, ring, ring, ring. May I please speak with Zoe? Oh, hello, Lamorne. Let's patch in Hannah. God, I forgot what it was like working with you guys. Welcome to our show. Welcome to our show.

Hi everybody. Hey. I'm apologizing right now off the bat. I am sick today. It is not COVID. It is the flu. Yeah. But I'm doing this anyway. I'm not with anybody. Not exposing anybody. Just in my house with my microphone. Well, explain how I got sick. How did you get sick? You got me sick. I didn't get you sick. I saw you out, Zoe. We were at the club. I saw you out.

No. That's how you know it's a lie from the beginning. Damn, Zoe, you're going to get me sick. That's your own damn sickness. That's in your head. I do. I do have a sick mind. I just have to say, Zoe, you look...

- You look very cute. We are recording pretty early in the morning and you're wearing a red shirt with some cute sleeves and I'm like- - Thank you, oh my God, thank you. I was like- - You look lovely. - Thank you. - Killing with the shoulders, them shoulder pads. - You said I look like Dracula, which I don't know. I've never seen Dracula wear puff sleeves, but- - Dracula's known for those puff sleeves. That was his go-to, that and killing. - Fashion on point. - Was it now?

We're talking today about the Valentine's Day episode, and I have to say, I have been waiting on this. Have you? Yeah. 113. 113, written by Leslie Wake Webster. Yes. And directed by Tucker Gates. On this week's episode, Schmidt declares that every time we sleep with the same person, we die just a little.

And now Jess is on an adventure to get her, well, what she likes to call her dirty twirly on. That's not what I call it. I call it. She horny. She's trying to smash. Meanwhile, Winston is trying to get back in Shelby's good graces. However, Shelby, well, she's having a little trouble trusting Winston. I'm not sure why he's the most trustworthy person in the loft. Maybe it's for good reason. Maybe it's not. So here's what she does. She invites him to a girl's night. What?

He ain't too sure about this, but luckily, sincerity and sangria is always sexy. When Winston can hang with her homies, with her little friends, Shelby can envision a possible future with him.

Meanwhile, Nick is attempting to have his first romantic Valentine's Day since the big breakup. But unfortunately, Julia cannot leave work. After rescheduling the reservation multiple times, Nick gets a little testy. He tells Julia's assistant, played by the wonderful Clark Duke, the entire story of why he dropped out of law school. And oh my goodness, the assistant gets inspired. He quits immediately. Now, at the club, Jess finds a...

She finds a good looking guy. Some people might call him a hot dude, a hot guy, hot butt, hot in the pants. OK, cute in the face. She finds him. His name is Oliver. Right. She just wants to bang him and leave him. She on some weird stuff this episode. But the date quickly goes wrong when Schmidt refuses to leave. Then the sexy guy, hot butt, hot in the face. His ex shows up.

Cece comes to save the day, but her boyfriend, he high on shrooms, y'all. He out of his damn mind. He bursts into the house and he makes out with Hotface's ex. What a mess. It's a whole sloppy mess going on in this house. The house is filthy, too. It looks disgusting. Anyway, after Jess video chats with Oliver's mother, she returns home. Schmidt tells her to just sleep with a friend and not overthink it.

Grabbing a giant box of condoms, Jess considers, you guessed it, Schmidt. What? Luckily, Nick catches her and she thinks better of her actions. But Cece didn't. And now back to our show. So just so you, you guys might not know this, but I reached out to Leslie O'Brien and asked if she had any specific memories. And she had many.

Oh. And she sent a little voice note, which I thought maybe we could all listen to together. That'd be great. And, you know, start to unpack this story.

Hannah, play it. Roll the clip.

So when we were writing things for the Julia character, no one knew anything for her to do except depositions. So every time Julia had business, it was like, she's got to get some depositions done. And I remember the actress asking us, like, can I do something other than depositions? And I was on set and I was like, no, I'm sorry. That's the only term I know. The other memory is that the sea story involving Shelby and Winston originally was a little...

a little more risque than it ended up being. Originally, the idea was that Shelby and Winston had sex and Winston thought he'd done a great job and he gets up to go to the restroom. And when he comes back from, I guess, taking a shower or something, he discovers that Shelby is

finishing things off for herself, that she hadn't had an orgasm and she was taking matters into her own hands. And then he's super bothered by that, even though she's like, "No, it was fine. I just didn't get there and I wanted to get there on my own." Been there. A lot of us thought it was really funny and I think Liz just thought it was really gross and I think Dave and Brett might have thought it sold out the character of Winston in a way that was unredeemable. So it turned into "Winston gets invited to girls night."

The last thing I remember is that we shot the pieces at Oliver's house and at the park late at night. Those scenes were both meant to be late at night and actually were filmed late at night and everyone was exhausted. And I think one of the ADs maybe got trapped in a porta potty at the park where we had Kyle on the swing. I remember there was a text chain about her being like, hey, I'm trying to get out of here. Can someone please let me out of the porta potty?

And finally, there was a scene that was at the end that we cut. And it was Shelby and Winston and Nick and Jess at a diner. And I can't remember why they were at a diner. And it was a conversation where...

Jess sort of tells Winston and Shelby about her night and it didn't make a whole lot of sense. And I remember Zoe asking like, why am I telling Shelby about that? I almost, you know, had a thing with Schmidt. I barely know her. And again, I was like, I don't know. We're just, it's written on the page. So we're doing it. Um, and we did shoot it, but it didn't get in the episode probably for a good reason. Okay. Hope that's helpful. Um, that's all I got for you. Bye.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Wow, that's very... That's interesting stuff. That would never...

get past the network, that first storyline with you and Shelby, that never would, that just, not a storyline made for networking. - So let me tell you, here's the problem. Okay, you go to Liz in between and you tell her personal stories about your life and then all of a sudden they wanna write these stories. I think that is utter BS that they would go into my diary and write stories of my sex life. That is not okay. That is not appropriate.

It's a TV show, not a documentary. I know. This is fiction, not fact. I mean, nah, nah, never happened.

Never happened. But also, by the way, it's not like they made a slight adjustment to go from that risque storyline. They just went like a full 180. It's like, we're going to do pedicures. It's a girl's night. With a bunch of people. Pores cleared. Yeah. That was an interesting part of the...

I guess the Winston journey, remember we talk about all these different traits that this character had or different emotional levels to him and figuring out who he was when he was back from Latvia. I found it interesting, you know, even in wardrobe, he was always in athletic wear as if he were, in fact, when I walk out of the, when Winston walks out of the door out of the loft with Schmidt,

He's wearing a track suit, but he's got a gym bag with both a basketball and a baseball bat. And I just thought, where is he going? Hitting all the courts. I know. He's multi-talented. Yeah. And then we find out later he's not talented at all. Well, that's much later. Guys, this episode starts with...

The cold open's not in the kitchen or like the loft kind of open concept area. It's with Julia and Nick, right? It's a lot of PDA, which made me think about like, where do we stand? The whole point, I think, is that the PDA is meant to be annoying the single people, right? Yeah.

and that Jess is single and Schmidt is single and they're annoyed by all the lovey-dovey couples.

And Nick is with Julia in the beginning, so you kind of see that first. Yeah, and Winston on the phone with Shelby. Do you think that is annoying? You see them in the bedroom first, right? You see Nick and Julia in the bedroom, and they're talking about how excited they are about Valentine's Day in kind of an ironic way, but also actually excited. And then we have the scene in the kitchen where Schmidt and Jess are observing...

Winston on the phone, Nick and Julia. - I thought it was reversed. - You're not in there, Cece, but you are in a relationship. But I will say this, some of the language, I just remember now when I was watching this episode,

that this got into like territory that I found a bit like hard to say some of the stuff like I was like I found it a little like cringy like dirty twirls I was like how do I make this work like I think I think it it bumped me a little bit and I know they were trying to make Jess like both this like

Well, it's hard because they started off with Jess as a person who can't say the word penis. And then this was the episode where I was like, wait, what? Because all of a sudden they're like, well, she's now she wants to have a one night stand. Here's the I wrote three things down watching it because I had the same thought.

One was the Dirty Twirls, Little Jess, and One Night Sex. Yeah, One Night Sex. Yeah, One Night Sex is kind of funny. And Little Jess? Little Jess, I laughed, but I also just remember being like, ugh. There was stuff that I was just like, I don't know. I don't know how. There were a bunch of things where I was like, this is...

And this is like, we had amazing writers and like, you know, but they're inevitably, and I've never, I'd never done a TV show this for this long, you know, before I did like, you know, multiple episodes of TV shows, but yeah.

inevitably there's going to be stuff where you're like I know it's my job to make stuff work but this is like I don't have an angle on this so you don't spray little Jess before you walk out the house I'm not even going to gratify that here's the thing that was it wasn't like a little spritz it was like 50 spritzes where I was like someone's going to pass out the idea was like that

she's like spraying and then walking into it. Like, you know, they do at perfume stores. Like, um, but yeah, I mean, look, uh, the dirty twirls. I don't know why the dirty twirls was really like, I was like, who, wait, what is that even? And I was like, is that like, but I don't know how you go from someone who can't say the word penis to being this person in this episode. That was what I was like. Um,

I was confused. But it was a really fun episode and super funny and lots of great stuff happening, of course. But it definitely was a challenging one for me because I think the Jess version of like,

Horny was hard to play. It's interesting right now in retrospect to watch how season one, they really were trying to just figure out who all these characters were. And then you're watching things, you're like, that does not apply.

Not at all. That is not who that character ended up being a hundred episodes in, and that kind of got discarded. Winston probably at the forefront of that. Winston is always at the forefront of that. Whenever I describe my character for folks, whether it's press or whatever I'm doing, I forget about the earlier seasons. I genuinely do. I only think about season three, four, five, six, and on. But I am...

I forget watching this episode. I totally forgot. I can usually watch an episode and know what scene is coming next because I've seen them already. This episode, for some reason, was like I had never seen it.

Like I was going through it. Like I forgot about shooting that scene when I knocked on Shelby's door and then I opened up and there's people in there. I go, when did I meet these people? I do not remember this day on set at all. I do not have a drug problem. I do not have a drinking problem.

Well, some stuff you remember less than I do. I do remember shooting this episode, but it's definitely like one that I was like, oh, this didn't stick in my mind. Definitely like the details of this episode didn't stick in my mind really well. Okay, so after we establish it... Can I just ask the one question? Because it's how this whole thing opens, right? With the PDA, which I think begs the question, if you're single...

Or if you're not single, if PDA, when you see it happening around you by a super lovey dovey couple, is it genuinely annoying or is it that thing where you kind of just wish you had it? No, I don't think it's annoying unless people are like really crazy all over each other and they're like not paying attention. They're not like being like.

present like normal people like it's nice when people like i i don't know i think it's nice but it's like weird when people are like come like if you're at a dinner with people and they're just like all over each other and you're like okay can you like can we be present here like like like i'm okay with looking at i'm okay i'm okay with people you know with pda

don't type in PDA in World Star Hip Hop like if you go to World Star Hip Hop and then type in PDA there's a lot of stuff that happens on the New York subway that you do not that's kind of PDA that's inappropriate people hugging and holding hands and you know little kissing here and there that's cool you know but like when it's loud and you can hear sounds no we don't want to do that it's an audio issue

We're trying to stay on track. I think we just said to- What happened next in the episode? Clark Duke all of a sudden makes some very inappropriate comments. Yes. Wait, we haven't even gotten there yet. Wait, wait, wait. Isn't that what happens next? No, no, no. No, because we haven't established yet that Nick goes to pick up Julia at her place of work for their Valentine's Day.

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. He meets Clark there and walks him up. He says some very inappropriate things. He does. But but we should tell them first what happens. Right. Tell me that Nick goes to pick up Julia at her place of work, like I just said, and he finds Clark Duke, who is a like a an intern intern.

- Yes. - Who's working for Julia. - The hilarious Clark Duke, everybody. - Hilarious Clark Duke. I will say, did you find, like some of the stuff Julia's saying is pretty inappropriate on the phone?

There's some racist kind of stuff. I mean, maybe we should cut this, but... This is a very racist episode. It was very problematic for me, I thought. What were they? Because I didn't clock what she was saying on the phone. I don't know if I want to repeat it. I'm not going to repeat it, but it was she's on the phone to somebody in China and there's like a lot of stuff that's like, oh my gosh. Yeah. Really leaning into...

Yeah. I don't know whether we want to address this or not, but I will say... There's that moment where I was like, that's not okay. And then... Then there was another moment that was not okay with you and Schmidt. There's another moment that happens with Schmidt and I at the bar where he talks to me in an Indian accent, which is...

Super racist. And then I say to him, you know what? I should leave because I don't want you to have to be around Kyle who's going to get a little racist. When Schmidt was just a little racist to my face. That was a weird moment of like... And then at the end too, Kyle's on the swing and he's like...

Yeah. He says, but here's the thing. When Kyle says the thing that's a little racist, I've already said this guy gets racist. That's one thing. But it's very weird when Schmidt talks to me in an Indian accent and then I look at him. Does he call you a baby? Like he's like. But he just says it in talking to someone. He calls you a baby too. Yeah, it's very strange. He infantilizes you. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it's weird. It's a very weird moment. But the fact that my response to it is like, oh, that's cute. I got to go. This guy's going to get racist. Was the moment where I was like, hold up. So I think the lesson we learned in this moment is that Cece loves racist white men. Woo, Cece.

Whoa. Yeah. Who knew that was a character trait? Cause you tried to date coach and didn't work out and you went straight back to the racist. You tried to date Chevrang. It didn't work out. And you went straight back to the racist. You know, CC, you got some issues. Um, so yes, they, they,

Nick gets to Julia's office. They're supposed to have a Valentine's Day date. And when he gets there, to his surprise, he is greeted by Clark Duke. Yeah. By the way, he says some super inappropriate things about Julia. But it reads to me the thing I thought about. It reads to me like the I carried a watermelon moment.

from Dirty Dancing when he then finds out that he's not talking to like a bike messenger. He's talking to Julia's boyfriend. He's been outed and that moment of like pure humiliation when you're like, I thought this was something very different and now I feel so awkward. It just reminded me of that. I had a story like that and I'm sorry to sidetrack, but I had a terrible story like that. Terrible, terrible story. I used to host back in the day for BET.

And I was I had to interview this artist and she she we were at a rolling escape bowling alley bowling alley in Atlanta, maybe. And I had to interview a few artists, but one in particular was this young, young rapper. And she a lot of folks didn't know who she was yet. She had only put out a mixtape and she was so dope. But I I'd never seen what she looked like.

And and this is I don't want this to come out the wrong way. So it will. I don't I don't. It's already there. I do apologize to listeners who might find this. I'm not trying to be offensive. But what I am saying is a guy who she who was with her. I thought he maybe he was because he was holding her stuff and helping her get set up and prepped and glammed and all that stuff like that. He was kind of doing everything.

And we're standing there talking, and for the first time, she was built differently. You know, she had some butt cheeks that I'd never seen before. And I just went, whoa. And I was standing right next to him, because she was wearing like a one-piece catsuit. And I just went, oh. And I looked at him, and he went, I know, right? And I said, whoa. And he was like, I know. And it was Nicki Minaj.

And I interview her at the end. Him and I are talking again. I realized this is her boyfriend. And I went, ah, shit. But he kind of egged it on. He encouraged it. It just shocked me. It just shocked me. That's all. That's all I'm trying to say. I was blown away. You were blown away? Blown away. You know. Shout out to Nicki Minaj. Hi. Hi. Hey. Hey.

I think everybody's got that I carried a watermelon moment. We were just like, yo, look at this. You was carrying a watermelon. There you go.

I knew that was coming. It's like, I set it up. I was like, you set it up. And then I was like, oh my God, Lamorne's going to say something about two watermelons. Wait for it. There we go. I used to have this teacher that was from Kentucky. And I'll never forget, by the way, this guy should be like fully fired. But I remember walking into class with a friend of mine who also

Had a figure on her. But we were in maybe first year high school. And I'll never forget it. It's funny the things that like live in your head permanently, like unlike this episode for you, Lamorne, like this comment from like 100 years ago. Under his breath, he went. Don't say it.

Just like two pigs wrestling in a guinea sack. No. Whoa. A teacher said that? A teacher. This teacher from Kentucky. I was like, I feel like I was in grade nine. He also told us, he sat down, he's like, I'm going to help you ladies out there in the world because you're going to get out in the world one day. And this is the advice he gave us. Keep your eyes open and your legs closed. Oh, man. That's what he said.

And yet he's making comments about her body. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, probably. You know, it's like his own two demons wrestling inside him. He's like, I would like to warn you away from me. How about you stop objectifying high school students? That's right. That's right. It's a scary world out there. We'll mind our own business. Thank you. Happy Valentine's Day, you guys. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. We'll be right back with more Clark Duke.

Da, da, da!

And his catchphrases are part of our culture, but...

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that I've said like in my head for like 16 years. Wild. Listen to Miss Spelling on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Cheaters and Backstabbers. I'm Shadi Diaz. And I'm Kate Robards. And we are New York City stand-up comedians and best friends. And we love a good cheating and backstabbing story. Welcome.

So this is a series where our guests reveal their most shocking cheating stories. Join us as we learn how to avoid getting our hearts broken or our backs slashed. Listen to Cheaters and Backstabbers on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. I'm Angie Martinez. Check out my podcast where I talk to some of the biggest athletes, musicians, actors in the world. We go beyond the headlines and the soundbites to have real conversations about real life, death, love, and everything in between.

This life right here, just finding myself, just this relaxation, this not feeling stressed, this not feeling pressed. This is what I'm most proud of. I'm proud of Mary because I've been through hell and some horrible things. That feeling that I had of inadequacy is gone. You're going to die being you. So you got to constantly work on who you are to make sure that the stars align correctly.

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I called him.

I called him. And you recorded. Did you tell him you're recording? No, I didn't tell him I was recording the conversation. That's illegal. He flew to Las Vegas to make sure it was legal to record without. Yes. Did you do it on a subway? I did. Exactly. But we have this recording. Okay. Hopefully he'll sign off on it later. So listen to it. You might have to. Did you get the email, Zoe? I did. We'll listen to it and we'll see.

Hey, Clark Duke here. I'm going to try to recount my New Girl memories off the top of my head without any real planning, but hopefully in chronological order. So here goes. I think I had met Liz Merriweather socially before the show ever came out because we had...

mutual friend and Max Winkler. And I also remember before the show ever came out that my agent had sent me the New Girl pilot and I read it and thought it was really fantastic writing. But I had just wrapped like five years on the show called Greek and I was so burned out because truthfully, because it was so long ago now, it doesn't matter. I was really unhappy on that show and I tried to get off of it for years and they would not let me out of the contract. So that contract really

Scared me off of even like considering like a series regular role for a long time like like five plus years Until I did the show called I'm Dying Up Here full disclosure I have no clue if anybody actually like had me in mind for New Girl or if my agent was just sending it to me to read and Audition or whatever but all of that is to say I was aware of the show and I was a fan of the pilot even though I'm pretty sure I had not actually watched the show when I did my guest spot episode and

As for my recollections of filming my actual episode that I did of New Girl, I think all my scenes were just with Jake and Lizzie Kaplan, both of whom I knew already from real life. So it was a pretty fun and stress-free environment for me. Lizzie I knew from Hot Tub Time Machine, and I knew Jake from Clark and Michael. Anybody that doesn't know, Clark and Michael was my thesis film in college, and then me and Michael Cera ended up selling it to CBS and doing a web series together.

in like 2007, which is approximately 30 years ahead of its time because people still had like DSL internet. But anyway, Jake had done an episode of that and I thought he was legit one of the funnier people I'd ever met. So yeah, overall, I mean, it was super fun. You know, guest spots are great because...

The regulars are usually just exhausted and just grinding it out week after week, so they're pretty happy to have a new person to play around with. I remember riffing and improv-ing a lot because Jake and Lizzie are both great at that. And just having a great time and Jake and everybody going, oh, we've got to have you back, blah, blah, blah, and all that shit everybody says. But I think the whole thing was like a half-day tops or maybe just like a couple hours of

I ended up becoming friends with you and Max years later, but I don't think I even saw or met either one of y'all that day. But you may remember this and I don't. And I have never met Zoe to this day. Oh, and to bring it full circle, me and Lizzie Kaplan are currently starring together on a show on Netflix called Inside Job, which everybody should check out. That'll be my one cheap plug here. All right, that's all I got.

Wait, I lied. I have one more anecdote, which is that I'm pretty sure that was the only time I've ever actually filmed anything on the Fox lot over on Pico. So that's a pretty cool personal history for me. Checking that one off the list. All right. That's now. Now it's officially all I got.

it's so funny that he was just like friends with everybody and got to hang out i still haven't met clark duke and um he was really funny on the show yeah i met him either that was a strange thing about you when you shoot these episodes there are full guest stars moments things shot that you'd people you never met things you never saw like one of i remember watching this episode for the first time

and being so shocked by the cockfight in Mexico that Jake does. I was like, when was this shot? And when did they have the budget to send him to Mexico? I was shocked. That was a funny cutaway, though, because I was surprised. Yeah. One of the funniest cutaways, I think, in New Girl was that. It was just so unexpected. Told you so much about that character, especially when he lays down just to talk about

to the chicken. Also made you question, like, does he remember things correctly? That's right. Exactly. He calls him Freddy. It's one of my favorite cutaways. Okay. Freddy, it's been a rough couple years. So, where are we? So, we meet Clark Duke. We're in there with Julia. It turns out Nick thought this date was going to go one way, but...

She's busy. She's a lawyer and she's got depositions. Lots of depositions. That's what lawyers do. They do depositions. Depositions and they talk to China. So it doesn't go. Yeah. And I mean, disrespectful how she was talking to China.

On the phone. Yeah. Also like lots of texts. She kept saying like what you text me wasn't okay. And I'm like, what is the nature of this hold up that's keeping you here all night? I feel like you could deal with this tomorrow. Are you just like blowing Nick off? Yeah, I don't like it one bit. I don't like it one bit. I'm already not liking her for him. Yeah. Okay. So we go over to this little...

The bar. Which we shot at the W Hotel in Westwood. Do you guys remember that? I wasn't there. I didn't remember where we shot it. I think it's still there. It's the W Hotel in Westwood. I think it's like on Gailey or something like that. Near UCLA. Yeah, I know it. I don't remember. And it was funny because we were like shooting it at night.

at a real bar, I mean, we were shooting it at night at a real bar that, you know, we cleared it out, like we, I think, you know, had it for the night for the show, but it's still like they filled it up with people. Kind of felt like we really were at a bar, which was funny.

You know, it's always interesting when that happens, how much money is spent on shutting an actual bar down. Get out. We have to hire people that look kind of like you to be here. Well, it was probably like a Wednesday night, though. You know what I mean? It was not like... But imagine being that old dude who just loves going to the bar on business. But it's in a hotel. You pay to be at the hotel. I know. You want to go down and have a drink, and they're like, nah.

They probably have two bars, guys. They probably have another bar. Maybe. I don't know. They probably have a rooftop bar too or something. You're going to Google it now? Do those four people have a place to go have a drink? I believe they have. You know what? I actually believe that we shut off part of the bar and that they probably had the other part open. Probably. Probably.

So Jess is there to see if she can have a one night stand, which means she can have zero emotional connection. Otherwise, it'll be a two, three, four night stand. Two year relationship. That's right. Exactly. So someone you find sexually attractive but are not interested in sex.

In any other way. Right. And she first is talking to this guy, but it seems like she has an emotional connection. And Cece and Schmidt are like, no, you're already too connected to him. He was too sweet. He was from Oregon. Yeah. He had too many points of connection. Yes. She meets Ryan Quantin.

What's his character? I mean, what's the character's name? Yes. Oliver. Ron Quanton from True Blood, everybody. A bunch of other stuff. And she has zero emotional connection to him. He really loves tacos. Yeah. He loves lunch. Yeah.

I love lunch. We would have had something in common. Guys, I like lunch. Yeah. I'm not a lunch guy, but you know, that's not, that's none of my business. You couldn't have hooked up with him then. I couldn't have. And I wouldn't have, honestly. T-shirt too tight. Too tight. Too tight T. Well, he was very, very funny and such a nice guy. He's extremely nice guy. He wrote me a thank you note. Really? Uh-huh. It was so nice. Yeah. Yeah.

A handwritten thank you note. So this is the person that she decides is going to be the guy. This is going to be the guy she's going to go with. And it's a bit strange, right? Because you get Schmidt to give you a ride because you need a ride, but then you want to kick him out and say...

And so you'll take a cab home. Yeah, that's part of the story that I was having a little trouble suspending my disbelief. I'm like, I need you to drive me here. Now you need to get out. Why won't you leave? And then he's like, there are youths in the street. Youths. Just wait in the car. Yeah. And they're watching Planet of the Apes. I think so. Yeah. Yeah.

And then his ex-girlfriend walks in. And all hell breaks loose. Also very funny. Played by Mel, right? Mel M. Stevens, is that right? Yeah. Yeah, she's very funny. She's extremely funny. She's like a real accomplished comedy actress. Yeah. Comedian. That was... To me...

When I when I when I was watching this episode, I thought because again, I forgot a lot of it. I said, oh, this is about to get crazy. And it did. So she walks in. There's a disagreement. There's a back and forth, like a little fight. Her, Jess, Oliver. And then, you know, and she's like wondering what the hell is going on. And then and then.

Cece walks in next. Right. Because Jess has said, get Schmidt out of here. And so I show up to get Schmidt out. And so this is the reason why this episode sticks so strongly in my head because of this scene. So it's written in the script that then Schmidt, when I get into like fisticuffs with the ex-boyfriend,

who's being straight up disrespectful, that Schmitz throws Cece over his shoulder and like walks her out, right? And I said to Max, um...

I don't think you're going to be able to like lift me like dead weight, lift me and put you put me over your shoulder. So what can I do in the moment to help? Like, do you want me to just kind of like not like no one will be able to see it? Like, but do you want me to like jump a little bit to help you as you go to go up so we can like team this out? And he, Max looked

So offended. He's like, I got it. I can lift you over my shoulder. And I was like, no, I think you might need a little help. How can I help you? Anyway, we he was deep in CrossFit at that time. That's right. So he but he was genuinely like saw this as an affront. And so then they called action.

And I think he overcompensated a little bit and took it a half step too far and threw me over his shoulder with such force that I landed, my ribcage landed on his shoulder and it knocked the wind out of me. Oh my God. So I couldn't breathe. You know that feeling? Yeah. And so he picked me up and he slammed me into his shoulder and I was like,

And I couldn't breathe. And I was super scared because I couldn't catch my breath. And he's saying his lines and marching out the house and puts me down with like a look of pride. Like, see, I told you. And I'm like, I broke a rib. And I finally got like the air back into my body. And I was like, okay, okay, great. I was like,

Because we had to do it again and again, right? That's the nature of television. I was like, I believe you. No, Max would do that off camera. Please be gentle. Max would do that with me and Jake all the time. You almost killed me.

So, yes, he can lift the dead weight and put it over his shoulder. But that's the reason why. It's like one of those like trauma responses of Valentine's Day episode, the one where I nearly died. That's what I remember. In this moment, it was a very old school kind of slapsticky. I'm sure the word you wouldn't call it violent.

vaudevillian would you with all the entrances exits and the confusions and the who's that well who's that I don't know who's this person it's called um farcical like a french farce yeah like a french farce yeah people slamming bedroom doors hey who are you and now you're here oh

It reminded me of this play. I think it was called, was it called Noises Off? Noises Off. Yes. It reminded me of Noises Off. Yes. A lot of doors opening and closing and then you think it's going to blow up to this thing and it kind of does. He walks out with you. Jess throws a glow stick out of the door to get the other racist out. Jess throws a glow stick out the door to get your, what's his name again? Kyle. Kyle. Kyle out of the door. My apologies, Steven.

And then the thing that shocked me the most was after all that, Jess was like, ooh, finally. And just goes back on the couch. She's like, I have a plan. I'm not letting you maniacs derail me. She was sticking to the plan. Yeah. It was a commitment. Which is really interesting. Very interesting. The other moment that I was like, what is Cece's nonchalance when her boyfriend is

starts making out with a strange girl and just goes, hey, you're going home with me and are going to sleep with me tonight. So can we leave? And I was like, immediately after he peed himself. I was like, Cece needs to get some self-respect. He pees himself and then starts making out with another woman. And I'm like, you're mine. She's like,

still saying that he's going home with her i mean at that point i think the p point you'd be like you know what i'm gonna save you home in a cab that's right you're a bit far gone so how did you get here this wouldn't count as consent well one p is when one is on shrooms i've never done shrooms but i'm assuming that is a response

To listen on the side effects. The psilocybin reaction. So guys, the takeaway is don't do shrooms. You'll pee your pants. You'll pee your pants. And cheat on your girlfriend. And cheat on your girlfriend. And you're not even going to remember it. Mind you, Cece does a little plot twist at the end of her own. So I can't really, you know, put her on some moral high ground here. Yeah.

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There's one thing I just want to go back to the bar and talk about that Schmidt names his top five books, which I was like, surprise Schmidt reads his top five books. I just am curious what you guys think of this. Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. Machiavelli's The Prince. Freak by John Leguizamo.

Any Vampire Diaries script from the first season and the Phantom Tollbooth or Phantom T by Norton Juster. Okay, what do you think? I was most surprised by Freak by John Leguizamo.

I want to say out of all these books, that might be the only one that I read. I think it's also just a funny character thing, too, to be like right here off the tippy top. My five favorite books. Bam. Right. I feel like that's not something. Probably five only books is what I'm thinking. That'd be funny. These are my five favorite and only books I've ever read in my life. But I can guarantee you, you two have a top five favorite books. Yeah.

Sure. Yeah. The reason why I put it, the reason why I say it that way is because I definitely do not. I'm like, I, I read, but when I say it's so little, I read different things, not just straight up books. Um, it's I'll read for a purpose. Like I have to read this book for a thing or I have to, you know what I mean? Uh, or someone suggested something and they're really strongly passionate about it. Then I'll do it. But,

I have friends who know when the new whoever is coming out. Oh, such and such just released a new book. I go, this ain't a Kanye album. How would I know? I don't... So I used to read fiction. I don't read a lot of fiction. And I usually...

take in books on like Audible. Because I just, that's the easiest. Having, you know, two kids, I'm like, I feel like I'm always like having to multitask. I can't just like sit down with a book and, you know, I have very little time for that. So I can listen in the car, you know, so I usually take in books like that.

I feel like I only have one way of reading a book. What I'm realizing now is if you hand me a book, I'm like, oh, it'd be interesting if I start to read it and put it down because life happens. Chances of me picking that book up again are almost zero.

But if I pick up the book and start reading it again, if it's something for work or whatever, I will read the book. It doesn't matter if it's 500 pages that day. Just speed read. I figured that out in college how to do it, how to just like read as fast as I can, like skim contextualize, pull it all in as fast as possible and absorb it. It's a really weird skill. Like, I mean, I wear glasses and it's hard. I can't like I will fall asleep.

If I'm just looking at words for that long, like that's part of the reason why I listen on. I listen to books because it's just like I I can, but I get really tired reading. So with my eyes. Yeah. But just thank God for like being able to listen to books, guys. I listen to all my books on iHeart.

I don't know. I have no idea. Okay. So we've established you two are smart. Can we just talk about this last moment of the episode where Jess like goes to Schmidt's room with her box of a hundred condoms? Before that, before that, before that, I want to talk about that hug.

At the end, when you come in, you guys hug. That was weird. It was weird. You know, and he says, what is it? Ylang-ylang?

Fun fact, you guys, that's real. That's a gem I just dropped on you that you didn't know. Well, here's what's weird is that in the story of the 50, they make Schmidt put $50 in the jar for trying to make a move on Jess. Yes. But then Jess goes to Schmidt's room with a box of 100,000 colored condoms. That's right. And...

Almost knocks on it. You should have put a dollar in the jar per condom. That's a hundred buckaroos. A hundred dollars in the one per condom. Yeah. Yeah. At least just, you know, so I, you know, I, I, uh, but that was a very funny moment. I didn't think.

That's the thing, because it happened once and it was on Schmidt's side and now it's happened from Jess on the other side. So that's a reciprocated feeling, folks. Plot twist on plot twist, guys. So you never see it coming. And I think they hinted at it a couple of times throughout the episode that that could be where this is going. In the beginning, you two decide to go off onto this adventure yourselves, being the two single folks, right? Yeah.

And then that moment where the hug happens, it looked as if it was about to be a story of the 50 thing again, where Schmidt was about to move in on you, but he didn't. And he walks away and then you go and move in on him, but you're stopped.

By Nick. A good friend. Good friend, Nick. But I think that this was the writers trying to, I think they always kind of had Cece and Schmidt in mind and Nick and Jess. And that they were trying to kind of get people off that by having Jess kind of go there, I think.

And that was also part of having Julia in the mix because they didn't want Nick and Jess to get together right away in any way because it would make people stop watching. Right. Maybe. I don't know. A little red herring. Yeah. Yes, a red herring.

Also, just one other thing I noticed, which I was like, what? We talked about the flip phone, remember, early on that Nick has and we're like, what, like dates the show? We're like, maybe that's a Nick character thing. But Winnie the Bish...

has a flip phone in this. So I'm like, it just does date the show. That is something that does. Well, that and Nikki being like Valentine's Day 2008. And I was like, note to self, if you want an evergreen show, just don't mention specific dates. Also, like who was taking a cab?

- Well, at that time people were taking cabs. - Yeah. - But didn't like-- - Uber wasn't around until like-- - Yeah, people, yeah, there's no Uber. - 2012, 2013, maybe. - Uber, I remember hearing about, I think I went to the White House Correspondents Dinner in 2013 or something and I sat next to the CEO of Uber and I was like, "What's Uber?"

- You think that girls are gonna get into a stranger's car and let it take them home?

Well, it was first it was it was at first it was, you know, it was limos like it was just off. It was off duty, you know, like town cars and limos and, you know, livery drivers who were, you know, like on their off hours wanted to pick up some extra work because and it started because I guess it was really, really hard to catch a cab in San Francisco. Oh, yeah.

Oh, hey, wait, where's the bear? Where's the bear?

Oh, well, that's Mr. Clark Duke. Mr. Clark Duke has a little teddy bear. It's all part of the V-Day package. He had a little teddy bear? That's right. It's part of the V-Day package. This is like a literal bear. There's no stretch happening here. It's not someone's bear feet. I ain't reaching on this one. There's a lot of bear chest in this one. That's true. Stephen Amell definitely had a bear chest. Don't nod your head like that.

Y'all can't see what she's doing. She's nodding her head. I'm just saying he had a bear chest, but I don't have to reach for that in terms of the bear game, Lamorne. Slow your roll. You got to slow down. This is a family-friendly podcast. Walk it back. Walk it back. It's a literal bear. One thing I want to talk about, two things...

about this Valentine's Day episodes. Things don't turn out always the way that you are hoping. Now, Lamorne, in your storyline, in Winston's storyline, he thinks he's going on a little romantic date with his girlfriend, Shelby. And when he gets there, she has all her friends there, and they're doing a girl's night in.

Plus Winston. And when Nick goes to pick up Julia, she's like still working and he ends up kind of spending a lot of time with Clark Duke's character. So how do you guys deal with being, you know, change of plans or things turning out not exactly as you planned on a big holiday like Valentine's Day? Do you react well? Are you flexible? Can you roll with the punches?

I do not like a plan. I'm not a planner. Oh, you don't like any plan? I'm not like a big planner. I kind of like to see how the night goes. So this is kind of like a super fun evening to me, the way it just kind of, she's like just going in there being like, let's see, who do I end up with? How is this going to happen? That's definitely a vibe that I can get with. Yeah. For me, it takes the pressure off of me.

Yeah. If there is if there's a plan, there's too much pressure because if it doesn't go according to plan and you feel like you if the night is failing, even though maybe your partner doesn't know that. So it takes the pressure off me. Also, for me, I've been avoiding Valentine's Day for a long time. Number one breakup day. Yeah. Day before Valentine's Day. I don't know if I'm cheap or it's just coincidence. I'm always single on Valentine's Day.

But usually then begs the question of the nature of the relationship of the person if you're celebrating with them. So if you've all been casual and now it's Valentine's Day, you're spending it together, all of a sudden it could take on some new deeper meaning that you weren't ready to go to yet. That's right. So you got to evaluate. Right. And also there's always that thing where it's like, you know, you have a person kind of show some affection, right?

And it's more than the other person. Or the imbalance. You know, and there's an imbalance. Yeah, exactly. Like, that's awkward, too. Like, you know. Because if you didn't get something, if you didn't get a gift and the other person did, it lets you know right away. Mm-hmm.

This is awkward. Well, also, here's the thing about Valentine's Day. It's true. It's like Mother's Day brunch and Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve. Everybody's going out that day. And they all want to have a nice meal. And at that specific time...

So all restaurants are serving like prefix menus, which I hate. Like I hate a prefix. Like I want to like choose from the menu. I don't want a prefix. I want a number four. With a side of peas. Yeah. Right. With a side of fries. But no, I mean like prefix. And then it's always like you get there and it's like your table's not ready or whatever it is. It's like I don't.

I don't love like a dinner with like 15 people at a restaurant or like, you know, an occasion that's like a big, ends up being like a big hassle. Like, you know, you go to like a movie with a bunch of friends and then somehow everybody's like, let's all go out to dinner. Like, and then like, where should we go? And then no one can decide where to go. And then you finally decide and then you get there. There's like not enough tables. Like that, just like, I'd rather just go home and eat, you know,

or something.

What are you about to do, Zoe? I'm about to go home and crack open this big bag of bread. Big bag of bread. Valentine's Day. Jonathan, did you hear that? Go to the bakery. All she wants is toast. I like to go out to dinner, but I'd also be like, we could also celebrate on February 16th. Get the reso we want. I usually make dinner, though. I'll make dinner for Jonathan on Valentine's Day. Oh, no.

It's a smarter move. That's nice. Then he can take you out on a night where there's a full menu. Exactly. You can get the number four and the five. With two sides of fries. Well, guys, thank you. No, thank you. Thank you for sharing in this moment. Thanks for joining us. We hope you enjoyed this episode. Welcome to our show. Like and subscribe.

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