Shownotes Transcript
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Welcome to Ghost Bros, a show where two bros hunt ghosts across America. This is part six of our series exploring abandoned towns and buildings in rural Nebraska. Make sure you subscribe and hit that bell to be notified of when we drop new episodes. Anyway, on to the hunt.
It's like a World War II bunker? Yeah. How did you hear about this place? So my cousin, his grandpa, this guy Reggie, he died in this bunker. I don't know if there was like a boxing match or something. It was like super illegal. And then there was like a big fire.
And so they said that- Oh, you can see there's like- Yeah! Dude, you see these sword marks. Yeah, it was really sus because they said they only found a couple of bodies, but there was like a bunch of people there that were supposed to have died. But it was very like- Do you remember that whole Project Heartland thing? Like, they said this was linked to that because that was in this area too. Oh, crap.
- It's gonna be crazy. - Yeah. - It's all tied together. - Yeah, like the government or something, you know? - Do you think that's why there's so much paranormal activity in this area? - Yeah, I think that might be part of it. Like the spirits of the people that died in the Heartland thing. - There's another door, there's another door. - Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. - Let's go, let's go. - Okay, it's just a bathroom in here. - It's just a bathroom. Wait, what's that? What's that on the ground? - It's dry. - Dog, is that blood? - Bro, what's the EMF reader say? - Dude, the EMF's going off the charts, man. It's going crazy. - It's like a blood trail. - Fuck, it's a blood trail.
It looks like this guy was peeing and then just started bleeding or something like that. What is this? It's like a vent shaft or something? It's a fucking air shaft. Okay, now shut up.
It goes down like so far. - Can you see the bottom? - No, but the blood is, there's like, the dried blood is all over it, man. - It looks like they dumped a body down. - Dude, I'm like, I'm feeling something, dude. - It's like a cold spot right there. - I'm feeling like a cold spot. The EMF reader's going crazy. I'm gonna call out. Hello? Is there a presence here? Is there a presence in this air shaft?
Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a Peachy podcast. This season we're playing Call of Cthulhu, and this is the Peachyville Horror. A Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. Freddie, we're like nine episodes in. When do you think you're going to get off book with the intro? I'm never going to get off book. This one's so dense, dude. Hey, Will, go fuck yourself, man. I'm just reading my intro.
my intro, like right off my computer. Hey, what are you going to DM without any notes, Will? Look, Ben, the conductor always has the sheet music up.
Oh, hey. Oh, you had that ready, dude. It's fucking fair. It's written down right here. I do extensive prep for any singers you might throw my way. Go ahead. Try and say something that'll make me look stupid. I dare you. I'm scared now. Are you going to Stockholm? Shut the fuck up, man. Wait, Beth, you can't be eating. Beth, are you eating? No eating on the podcast, Beth.
Maybe we should be recording at 1.38 p.m. I ate breakfast and now I'm hungry. No, you're not going to make us feel bad for yelling at you for eating. You're a virus. We're going to rotate who's eating on the podcast. We're going to just wait. It's going to rotate just between me and Beth. We'll wait. No, Will did once. I did once. You want to get a big fat bite of that thing, though? Yeah, go hard.
Well, I don't have anything more to say. This is a blooper now. It's just us listening to Beth Eaton. No. This is Patreon exclusive food and mukbang ASMR content. Oh, big news, by the way. Beth is going to be DMing her first ever one shot based on a dream she had. Yes. I'm so excited. We'll be doing that on the Patreon. It's going to be the worst thing we've ever done. I know. You're not going to say what it is? I don't think we should. Okay. My name is Freddie Wong. Are we good to go? Yeah? Good? Okay.
My name is Freddie Wong. I play, who knows for how long, Tony Collette. Tony punished Collette. Tony, stepbrother Collette. Stepbrother, I'm stuck Collette. Yeah, upside down in a ventilation shaft, the fast-talking used car dealer who may or did not fight in World War II. But imagine if he was like, stepbrother, I'm stuck. He's like, where are you stuck? He's like, in this fucking 200-foot trench.
You couldn't fuck them. Certainly. That would certainly present problems for your ability to insert your penis.
This week's peachy fact for Tony. Lord drop. Lord drop, as it were. Tony did not fight in the war in World War II, but he did get drunk once with a fighter pilot. And the fighter pilot, right, the Air Force guy, told him about the anti-G straining maneuver, the AGSM. The what now? The anti-G straining maneuver. That's something strippers do. What's the G? The anti-G straining maneuver? Yeah.
It's weird for an acronym to just have one letter being an acronym. Yeah. Yeah. Like G-Force. Okay. I've seen videos of this. Yeah. You go like, huh? Huh?
It's a method to tighten up the muscles around you. So you don't pass out. So you don't pass out when you're executing high G maneuvers. A little bit of lore that might come in handy here as Tony finds himself in this compromise. Inverted. You could have done like, you dated like a contortionist or something, but you think G-forces is going to help you here? Well, this is what Tony's thinking about right now. He's just going, heff, heff.
Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Kelsey Grammer, the happiest, snappiest school mom of Peachyville. And you know what she always says? A book's like a gift that you can open more than once. Oh, wow. Keep opening. That's beautiful. It's a good gift to give. We're going to need like a daily calendar of these Kelsey bangers at some point. They're all ripped off from somewhere else. Some of them, 100%. They say all great teachers steal, right? Yeah. I mean, let's be honest. As a teacher, I've had an original idea. They just have you read books.
Whoa, bro. Whoa. Hey, hold on. Hold on. Hold the fucking phone. And when I said it sounded a little bit more mean than what I meant. A little more mean? The teachers often are showing you other people's words because that's what they're doing. You said, quote, have a teacher ever had an original thought? No. Matt, you're...
Your mom was a teacher. My mom was a teacher. It's my mom's birthday. It's my mom's birthday. Oh, happy birthday.
I didn't think you were saying shit like that. Happy birthday. Simple fact about Kelsey Grammer is... She's never had an original thought before. She's never had an original thought. Kelsey's pretty excited, even though she's scared right now. She's a little bit excited because she's currently writing C, and there is some nuance between what's the difference between the catacombs and a dungeon. So she's very excited about where they are currently located because she always thought it'd be exciting to go into a catacombs or a dungeon or something. A catacombs. A catacombs. A catacombs. A catacombs.
You be careful. Those Gen Z kids are going to rip you their threads like wolves. Holy shit. Don't say that. Don't let anyone outside. Anyone who goes into a catacomb is sort of a catacomber, if you will. Oh, no. I'm Anthony Burch. I'll play Francis Farnsworth, the most bullied kid in Beachyville. Not for long. You can't say that anymore. You shot a kid. What?
That is more bully. Yeah, that's a good point. She's the most bully. That's true. Yeah, Francis Farnsworth, the fucking alpha male badass who does what needs to be done and will never be considered problematic by anyone ever. Francis's fact is that his favorite movie, his mom took him to once and she said, okay, on one hand, this revolutionized filmmaking. On the other hand,
There's some stuff that you'll see. And so that's why every year with his mother, Francis loves to watch Birth of a Nation. Oh, God. Sorry. What? What? What does she see in it? The filmmaking. Okay. She's a weird centrist, so it felt like that's the kind of thing she would like. Well...
Go ahead and follow up Anthony's birth of a nation fact. Yeah, sure. I think my fact is really good. Is this the, are we getting, yes. So hi, my name is Beth May and I play Trudy Trout, robot, doting wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful children. Peachy fact about Trudy is that she hates playing tag because she's always IT. No! No!
Beth, I'm so proud of you. No. Always IT. No. Like it. Like she's always it in tech. And information technology, a term that wasn't around. But she's also technology because she's a robot. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I'm your daddy-o master.
Hi, Daddy-O. In this spooky adventure. Don't punch your mic. Hi, I'm Will Campos' mic puncher. No, no, no, that sounds terrible. I'm your Daddy-O-Master for this 1950s adventure. Daddy-O-Master. Daddy-O-Master. If you put the spacing on that, that sounds so sexual. Yeah, I'm Daddy-O-Master.
Your daddy, oh, master. I'm your daddy, oh, master. And my fact this week for all of you is that hanging upside down for too long can be dangerous and even fatal. Yeah, that can kill you. Prolonged inversion can cause blood to pool to the head, which can lead to a number of complications, including increased intracranial pressure, high blood pressure, heart failure, and ruptured blood vessels and brain hemorrhages. Wow.
I thought it was because if all the blood rushes to your head, you're too smart. Yeah, do I get a small bump? I feel like I should get a small bump on my intelligence rolls. I don't know about that, but you can't get a boner anymore because all your blood's in your head and won't go to your ding dong. Sounds like a challenge to me. Would getting a boner help get that blood out of...
Your brain? Yeah, it would reserve. That's probably true. That's what they tell all fighter pilots to do. If you can convince me that Tony Collette got hard in there, I will give you one more round before you die. Ooh, maybe he likes confined spaces. We've established that's not true because he's claustrophobic. All right, let's dive in. But aren't you sexually attracted? Nothing's sexier than the thing you fear. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
We start with our stuck stepbrother, Tony Collette. You are... You're doing your G-Kegels? My G-Kegels, dude. G-Kegels. All right, you're stuck in here...
oh what are we gonna do with you what are we gonna do with you okay far up am i can i see anything below me like where's the so let's establish this first your orientation i dove in head first you dove in head 100 okay so we are in a full nutty putty situation so you're oh god describe to me just like what tony's feeling right now and we'll say it's been like five minutes well so let me ask you this the thing that drove tony into the
ventilation shaft was the fear of the black hole sucking chasm thing that he saw. Yeah. I've come down some distance on this and I'm stuck now. What do I hear behind me? Is it done? Is it, you know what I mean? You no longer hear this vacuum ripping through the air. Basically what you're hearing right now is like sort of muffled. Cause again, you're in the air shaft and you're probably about 20 feet down. Now you hear above you sort of like growling,
groans from like maybe the survivors of what's happened the last few people that didn't get sucked into the black hole but then you're also hearing like a door creak open and you're hearing footsteps descend and basically what you're hearing is like the bisons that escaped these cult members that escaped previously are coming in and they are starting to finish off the job so occasionally you'll hear a groan sort of abruptly cut off by a gunshot you're starting to hear probably most alarmingly like gasoline getting splashed around
Like, it feels like they're going to start burning evidence pretty soon, and this air shaft you're in might start filling with thick black smoke. Well, okay, so interesting. Interesting. Okay, so this is now kind of important. So I think first things first, Tony has a great degree of self-preservation instinct, and once he's hearing... As most people do. As most people do. Especially when you start hearing, like, ugh, and then pew, and then no more sounds from that. It's usually, you know, a good sign to keep quiet. He's sweating bullets, and he's trying to stave off the panic that's...
that is rising within him oh that's fun give me a sanity roll you were laying traps for me will you were just waiting for me to say something and then hitting me with a roll hey you three do you want to bet if tony's gonna make it out of here or not i think it's such an anticlimactic way for him to die that i
I think he's going to make it out. Okay, you bet he's going to make it out. No, I think he'll die. I think there's a good chance he could have made it out, but then Freddy's going to do something to piss off Will, and he's going to die. So I just said Trist. Okay, so I rolled an 11 out of 70 for Saturday. Okay, great. Despite your claustrophobia, despite the rising terror, you managed to keep your shit together. I think what it is is that his understanding that he's in mortal danger by freaking out is overriding his freaking out.
I see. You know what I'm saying? Very good. I don't know if that happens. If you were scared... I'd be like, ah! No, he would know such a thing if he did fight in World War II, but seeing as he didn't, this would be his first encounter with such a... So he's finally understanding the phrase, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So above you, having wisely decided to keep your mouth shut, you hear closer footsteps, and then...
Huh? Oh, sorry. I got scared. I was going to say a rat. A bat. What are you, a rat? I thought you were scared there was going to be a little rat in there with him. Sorry, I don't like rats. Yeah, there's a rat in there, Tony. What now? Hey, little guy. Looking down, you see a rat climbing up towards you.
How? A vertical shaft? What the fuck? Yeah, rats do that. Don't rats do that? They cling. They cling. Can rats cling like that? They do if it's a Lovecraft rat. It's an Eldritch rat. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. First of all, I would like to... Wait, wait, wait. Matt just said a rat and then he derailed... You were giving me information about what was going on above me. Okay, so Google's AI says that rats are skilled climbers and can climb vertical surfaces like walls, pipes, and drains.
Okay, great. So Free Soul isn't that impressive. So Matt very wisely decided to add a rat to the scene. I thought he was saying a rat. I got scared because I'm scared of rats. I thought he was saying a rat was coming at you. The last thing you want to do is tell a... Wait, a rat? Oh, I'm scared of leveling up by the time.
So there's a rat crawling up towards you. Above you, you hear labored breathing from two people and you hear that little vent pop open above you. Did you hear Shane's voice? Were you around for that? I may not know, but I would probably be able to tell that it was like some teen kid. So you hear a teen kid go, oh, oh.
oh, fuck, it hurts so bad. I'm losing so much blood. And then you hear another voice, a higher voice say, it's okay, baby. We're going to get you out of here. It's going to be okay. And you're Shane saying, I love you so much, Carly. I'm so scared. And Carly's like, it's all right. We're going to sneak up this pipe, okay? We're going to get out of here. I'm going to get help. We're going to get out of here together. And then you hear Carly start to climb into the shaft above you. Okay. Tony's going to try and like,
shake himself and go to try and cause reverberations and scary sounds to come up at Carly in the hopes that she'll slip and knock him down. Okay.
You know the Nutty Piney situation is like the more you get pushed down. Oh, okay. Actually, no, no, no. This is an interesting point. This is an interesting point. Yeah. How am I stuck? So here's what I think. I think that it is friction that has you stuck where you are. I think you have filled up the space, but the gravity momentum of you being dragged down was overcome by this sort of tactile friction of how wedged into this thing you are. So in theory, with enough force, you could get shoved down all the way.
The vending machine technique. The vending machine technique. Now, to what extent is it the cast on my legs causing this problem? That's a good question. I would imagine probably your widest point is your shoulders. Okay, okay. But you tell me. This is
This is really specific. But in my head, I'm kind of Superman posed because by diving down, your arms go first. Your arms are like I wouldn't have jumped down head first. I would have jumped down like arms first. OK, so it feels like my arms and hands are in front of me downward and the rest of my body is above. So it does feel like either my shoulders or maybe my hips, my big fucking big fat Italian ass Italian cake dog. Yes. All of that is resulted in you being log jammed in here.
Okay, so I'm going to pound my fists and make a bunch of noise in the hopes that whoever's up there falls down. Okay. I don't think you need to roll for that. I think you just do that. Actually, no, give me a luck roll, Freddy. No, I don't have any. You got one. That's right. Okay, here we go. Here we go. I'm feeling something in the 40s. 43.
No, I did not hit my luck roll. Okay, so in that case, Carly looks down and just goes, oh my God, oh my God, oh, there's like a guy in here. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, she covers her back, she realizes she made it. Help me, help me, help me. Mr. Collette? Is that you? Maybe. It's Carly. Carly. Oh my God, you're stuck down there, huh? Yes. Wow, that's really bad. Okay, Shane, come on, let's go. Shane.
She's peering up and she's looking up. She's like, oh my God. Okay, yeah, it looks like I could barely make it. But Shane, I don't think you're going to be able to climb. Shane! Blood is slippery. Yeah, yeah. Shane, get in here! Shane! Shane! Shane!
Shane, do you hear me? Shane. Shane pokes his head into the shaft. He's like, Carly, that looks really high. I don't know if I can climb. I'll break your fall from down here, Shane. I'm on your side, Shane. Shane, climb up with your hands. You'll be fine. Push and wedge yourself in, Shane. It's the only way out, Shane. Shane, do it. Tony's like Pennywise in the gutter right now. Give me a persuade roll. I have a 25. That's not good. 48 fail. Okay. Do you want to push your roll?
No. Shane's like, yeah, what are you fucking crazy, old man? I'm not doing that. Okay, I just gotta think for a second. You hear Shane kind of going out for a second. He says, Carly, what about this? And he comes back in and hands her something. She's like, you can tie this fire hose up at the top and I'll climb out. Will that be okay? And she's like, oh yeah,
Yeah, that sounds great. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Carly, Shane, hear me out. Hear me out. Save a life. If you don't do this, you'll kill someone. We'll spray the hose down here for a bit until I go free. Then you're free to go. Oh, that's a good idea. Wow, yeah, we could do that. Free cars, Carly. But look, I'm a little worried that the guys are going to hear that, so we're going to climb to the top. Spray down afterwards. Yes, Carly. And then we'll spray down afterwards.
after carly listen to me listen to me carly yes if you don't do this you'll be killing a man okay you shouldn't i've fought in the war you can't have a blood on your hands well haunt you for the rest of your life okay you don't want that i've already agreed to do three cars
For you and one of your friends. Okay, okay, we're gonna go. All right, so they start climbing up this shaft. Yeah. Carly goes up first because Shane's gonna climb up after her. Oh, she's gonna pull the fire hose with her. She's got like a fire hose between her teeth as she's like climbing up and then she's gonna get up to the top and then I guess the plan is Shane's gonna go up after her and then we're gonna go from there.
Okay. We'll say because Carly is a strong and capable young woman. She's able to climb up without having to do a roll. She basically shimmies her way up this pipe. We are going to give her a stealth role to see if the bad guys outside. Yo, she might just get shot up there. Yeah. I might have to not worry about falling in love anymore. Oh, she did very well. So she quiet as a fucking church mouse slips up this thing. Solid snake over here. Jesus. She's looking around and you hear her whispering that she was like,
She's like, okay, I'm up here. Oh, there's still a bunch of guys up here, but they haven't seen me yet. I'm going to try to tie this off to something. Just give me a couple minutes, okay? And so she sneaks off to go do that.
You hear Shane kind of wincing in pain above you. Get Shane to bleed on you. He will when he climbs. Yeah, he'll just put his leg over the edge so he can get that blood. So he can get slippery. Shane. Yeah? Shane, how are you? How's your body positioned right now? I'm not feeling very good, but I'm sticking my head down. I'm looking right at your big broken legs, Mr. Collette. Hey, hey, Shane. Shane, you're going to want to prepare yourself to climb quickly because the bad guys are right on your tail. You should...
maybe sit up on the ledge and swing your legs over. Okay. You know, and I get a good grip on the fire hose. Okay, I'll give it a shot. Okay, I'm trying right now. So he does what you say. He sits over you and now there's just like a... Now there's this femoral blood leak out of me. There's blood spurting down onto you. Ah, very good, very good. And now I'm going to go... Blood is kind of sticky though. No, no, no, it's not. It is not. Somebody hasn't seen Gerald's game. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Oh my god. Which one's Gerald's game? Where she's handcuffed to the bed and has to escape by fucking gloving herself. Oh, okay. Because Gerald's game in my head, I was like, the Pixar anime short where the guy plays chess with himself? The R-rated version of Gerald's game. Did I miss something about that Pixar anime short? Where he fucking stabs himself. Jesus. Okay, so now aided by Shane's bloody lubrication. Okay, so Shane is
starting to bleed on you, how much blood would it take to lube up a man in a fucking situation like this? That's what I'm kind of wondering. Um,
Well, if he's dumping blood right now. I should clarify, he's got like a tourniquet on. Like he's got a makeshift tourniquet on. So he's like, he's got like a soaked bandage of a leg that is dripping some blood. Shane, Shane. I'll let that shit loose. Shane, you gotta, hey, Shane. I was in World War II. Did you tie the tourniquet right? What do you mean? Oh, my boy. My boy, you need to, you need to stem the flow. First things first. Start fresh.
Start clean. Take off the tourniquet and I'll walk you through the proper way of tourniqueting your leg shape. This is just like Army of Two.
Give me a... This feels like fast talk to me. That's exactly what I wanted. I got a fast talk 55. Okay, and we'll give you, because Shane is a little light on blood right now. And he's an adult and kids listen to adults. And he doesn't know you weren't in World War II. We'll give you a bonus dice on this roll. Good thing you did. I went from a 64 to a 54 and my fast talk is 55. So I beat it by one.
Shane! Okay, so what do you want me to do, sir? Officer, what do you want me to do, Sergeant? Should I salute you? Oh, no, that won't be necessary, Private. Ha!
What you need to do is undo your tourniquet first. Okay. And he undoes his tourniquet and now his femoral artery is just spraying blood into the fucking shaft. Shane! Oh, God. Shane, that lightheadedness. Technically, that means I won't have killed him. Shane, Shane, that lightheadedness that you're feeling. Squeeze your neck muscles. Go hop, hop, hop.
You're evil. Okay, now, now, now take the thing that you had in your hand. Okay. Now wrap it around your wound. Above the wound, Shane. Above the wound. He has no leg. He couldn't do it below the wound. I don't know that. I can't see. It's just okay. And then as he's doing that, Carly comes back. Yes. And she's like, okay, I've secured the what the fuck.
Oh my God, Shane. Oh my God. And she echoes this down the air shaft. And then you hear outside the flamethrower guys in the fucking hoods are like, what was that? Someone in the bathroom. Let's go.
Must have been a rat. Must have been a rat. So now you are hearing footsteps coming for you around the corner. And Carly's like, oh my God, Shane, come with me right now. Don't listen to anything that man says. Come here, come here, come here. To be fair to Carly, she would have heard me say anything, right? She doesn't know that I instructed. Oh my God, Shane, you're bleeding out. Hang on, hang on. Come here, I'm coming for you. And she starts climbing down and reaches a hand down for him.
Shane is very delirious, but kind of recognizes and trusts the voice of Carl. He's like, okay, babe, I'm right here. This is this military guy. He's saying I should, he's teaching me how to do a tourniquet right now. You didn't do that. She's like, what kind of sick fuck are you? You're trying to get him to bleed all over you so you'll slide down that vent? Oh my God. Carly's a quick one.
Carly figured out my game really well with limited information. Just hold on, baby, hold on. And you hear Shane kind of clasp his arms on Carly and she starts climbing away. So she's like fucking Terminator over here. She's got her legless boyfriend draped over her shoulders. She's climbing up this fire hose. Spraying blood everywhere. Spraying blood everywhere. It's dripping down on your face. There's guys coming around the corner. You hear the door of the bathroom itself start to open. And before we go any further, Freddie...
There's something I wish to discuss with you. Okay. Which is your future on this podcast. Oh, no. I would like to direct your attention. Oh. And now that you're in this totally fucked scenario to page 180 of the Keeper's Guidebook for Call of Cthulhu. Okay. The section optional rules, spontaneous use of the Cthulhu mythos skill.
Now, remember, I gave you five points in Cthulhu Mythos skill because of your insanity freakout and said you could cast spells. Now, unfortunately, you don't have any spells. However, there is this optional rule. Knowledge of the Cthulhu Mythos not only allows a character to learn to cast spells, it can also allow someone to improvise magical effects akin to spells. This is resolved in the same way as any regular skill use. The first player states an aim. The keeper then considers if the aim is acceptable.
And then we roll for it. So basically, you can sort of burn your mythos skills to do something vaguely magical. They, so some of the examples they have are causing harm to a physical target, banishing a monster, communing with a recently deceased. Here's what I propose. I'm going to give you this piece of paper. Yeah.
We're going to leave Tony in this moment of suspense. Okay. And I will give you the rest of the episode. Oh, shit. To think of some way to bullshit your way out of this. Okay. And then we will resolve whatever goofy bullshit happens with Tony once we've gotten through the plot with everybody else. Now, here's my question. Did the blood lubricate my movement down at all? Like, I'm shimmying around and there's blood all over this, right? Yes, you are lubricated. Tony lubricated Colette. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I can create a future that I look forward to. I can get where I was meant to go. I can transfer to a four-year university. When you pursue an associate degree for transfer at a California community college, you're on your way to earning your guaranteed safe spot at a four-year university. With an associate degree for transfer, I can do this. Classes can fill up quickly, so enroll today at icangotocollege.com.
While all that is going on, Oh my gosh. we dig in down, deep down to the entrance to the Project Heartland Command Center. Francis, Trudy, and Kelsey have just made their way down the stairs escaping the black hole that nearly killed you all last time. So you're standing in like a large concrete hallway. There's like
flickering light bulbs illuminating this place and it's wrapping around this big circular underground room. You see four tunnels heading off into the darkness beyond
The door in front of you is like this massive vault door. The text above it reads Project Heartland Operation Center. So there's one door in front of us and then there's four... There's four tunnels kind of branching off into the darkness. Is the door like a massive vault door that like a human being could not feasibly open alone? There's like one of those bank vault tourney things on it. And then, yeah, there's four tunnels. There were four guys that ran down here and darted off down one of these tunnels. Okay. Is everybody okay? Francis, are you okay? When you say that, you see that Francis is sitting up against the wall, I guess. And he's...
Oh, honey, it's okay. It's okay. You're safe. We're here. We'll figure this out. There's no need to breathe that fast. You'll get oxygen no matter what. That is true. It takes long, slow breaths.
There you go. And the gun is shaking in his hand. He's holding it over his knees. Why don't I just take that for one second, if you don't mind. And he pulls it closer. It's his emotional support gun. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Francis, Francis, look at me.
I know that was really scary, but you're safe. Okay. You're here with us and you're safe. We got it. We got to start moving. We got to find a way out of here. I'm assuming we hear like stuff behind us, right? You hear like gunshots and yeah, you hear essentially the same thing that Tony heard. We can't go back that way. Okay. And there's also clearly guys down here also. So we have to be safe. So Francis, I think I should hold that gun. Or if you're going to have that gun, we need to have a gun down here because there's guys, there's bad people down here.
Francis can't make eye contact with you, but he nods and he stands up with the gun at the ready. Would you feel better if me or Trudy held it? He nods. Okay. Do you want me to hold it or Trudy to hold it? Here's what I would look like if I were holding a gun and Trudy acts like she's holding a gun. He hands it to Trudy. Trudy. Yeah. You're, you're, you're, if you're, if you shoot as good as you pull, I think we're going to be okay. All right.
Well, there's four places to go. There's this big door, but I have a feeling that if they put a big door there, it's probably not the best place to go. Ooh. And if there's dead bodies down here, that'd make it a catacombs. But here, I think it's more like a bunker. Is that really what makes a catacomb a catacomb? Well, yeah. So, Francis, good question. So, my understanding is, I'm reading it right now, but my understanding is that catacombs
Catechumns are usually for religious purposes and often like, yeah, they often are for buried bodies or they're underneath churches or so forth and so on. But to be fair, I'm still learning about it. But yeah, I think this is more like a bunker or maybe a base, but it's underground. So there's got to be a way out of there. As you are giving this lecture on catacombs, you hear a voice cut in over an intercom next to you and it says, hey.
Don't answer. He sounds like a doggy! I'm not saying anything.
Two of you smell bad. One of you does not. You followed the bad men in masks down the stairs, but you do not smell like them. Arlo thinks you may be here to help. Oh, hi. Okay, so you are talking to us, the three of us? Yes, I am talking to you. Arlo is talking to you. Oh, sorry. We're really sorry we're here. We're just, if you notice, there's like, yeah, an awful massacre happened up there or something. We're just trying to get out of here. Whoever you are, we're not, we don't mean any trouble. We just want to leave.
There's this microphone and then you see these little arrays. Oh, is that the door? Yeah. You see it coming from the door. We'll say, yeah, like next to the door. Like Jabba's palace. Yeah. Again, you hear this voice say, you do not smell like them, but two of you smell like the very bad thing below. Oh,
But you do not have square badges on your chest! Therefore, Arlo is not authorized to tell you how to stop the bad man and the bad thing below. We are here to help because we are on a mission from Moth Jesus, who said that our purpose was to save Peachyville. Peachyville? Our home. Home. And your home is here. Home is where the heart is. And this is Project Heartland, but you do not have square badges. You seem like you may be good.
You seem like maybe Arlo can trust you? I don't know who Arlo is. Arlo is Arlo, an automated digital computer that oversees the day-to-day operations of Project Arlan. Arlo is a very good computer. Arlo runs very fast. Arlo fetches data very fast. A computer? I would love to take a look at a computer, if you don't mind. Ha ha ha!
Absolutely. I don't know a lot about them, but I'm learning. Wow, a computer can talk? Like, it talks to you? Arlo only talks to people with blue badges. Blue square badges. Trudy, do you have any blue square badges? Trudy is trying not to fall in love. Blue square badges can be found at the testing center.
Okay. Testing center? Well, you're a computer. Can't you just run tests in your little computer brain? I do not run the final test where the blue badges come out. But I could... No. But I could... I'm sure you could. Arlo could show you where the badges are.
Oh, yeah. Because Arlo trusts you. Arlo thinks one of you smells good, and the other two don't smell like the bad men in masks, even though they smell like the very bad things below. Who smells good? There's me. Who are you? I'm the big, lovely-shaped woman who looks like... You smell bad. Oh, wow. The one with the rifle.
She smells good. Yes. Yeah, Trudy's always put together. Well, I was baking earlier. Then again, it was quite a bit earlier, but I was baking some marvelous stuff. And so maybe it still smells like that. Guys, give me like a group persuade roll. It's a sweet talk. A peer pressure roll? I love it. A peer pressure roll. I fail. You failed. 47. Am I persuade? 55. I persuaded. Arlo needs help. Arlo knows you do not have blue badges. Arlo trusts that you want to help.
Arlo will let you in, but Arlo is watching. This vault door slides open, just sort of rolls back, and it reveals basically like the reception area of a military base inside. There's a smooch. Yeah, I know what those look like.
Sort of a one ring of a three ring circus. This is hard. You're a hard job, Anthony. I'm really starting to appreciate it. Yeah, no shit. It's like a long stone floor in this hallway leading to a reception desk. You see an American flag in the corner. You see a picture of FDR on one wall. It's giving very World War II vibes in here. And on the floor, you see this big logo for Project Heartland and its insignia, its motto, Victorium Ultra Astra. Does Kelsey know Latin? No.
Not yet. Give me an education role to see if you can suss out what this means. She's good at English language.
Ooh, yeah, I crushed that. I got a 24 and my education is 70. So that was a... Oh, sick. Okay, so then you can suss out that this means victory from beyond the stars. Ooh. Oh, is this space? Hey, oh, Francis? Is this space? Oh, is this a part of the space program? Francis Trudy, this sign here, take a look at it. It's a different language. It's Latin. I don't know very well, but I can suss out that this means victory beyond the stars. Wow. That's nice. That's beautiful. Yeah.
Francis bursts into tears. Oh, no, honey. Oh, Francis. Francis, what's wrong? You said we have to keep moving, so let's keep moving. Oh, well, there's always time for feelings. Life is about keeping moving. Hey, hey, hey. You hear Arlo. Why are you looking at the floor? Why is he crying? Well, yeah, we'll figure
that out. You must help. Can I close the big door behind us? Sure. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, I don't know. There's bad guys around. Okay. The world is in danger a lot. And yes, but we have to stop every once in a while. Arlo, let me put it this way. If we continue going, we might go slower because he's having a hard time. Whereas if we settle this now, he may be more efficient and move faster. Arlo cuts out. Okay. All right. Francis, we're here. Why don't you talk to us for a sec? What's going on? So Francis looks
to Kelsey for a second and begins to open his mouth and then you sort of see him change his mind and he turns to Trudy and he says, you got, you're programmed, right? You have programming? Yes. Well, yes. How does it tell you what's okay to do and what's not okay to do? Huh. That's interesting. That's an interesting question. I've never thought about that question before.
I thought I felt it. You know, that pool inside that tells you, yes, this is the light. This is where the love is. I thought I felt it. But now I don't.
I don't know. Maybe it's just a series of numbers telling me to go in one direction or the other. And maybe the direction always leads me to the love and to the light. But I'm sure I've made bad decisions too. I'm sure I've done bad things too. Tucker gets annoyed with me so often. And, well,
Well, what did you do, honey? So if you've got numbers and you follow numbers to do a good thing, that means that you can be... I'm going to ask you for help for doing things from now on because you have the numbers and it's consistent. And I think I did something bad. I think I did something bad and it didn't feel bad is the bad thing. And then I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it again. And I just don't know. We can keep going now. Okay. Okay.
Hey, Francis, when we're done with this, you know, we're your friends and we're here and we will find somebody to help you. Okay. You don't need to tell us everything right now. I know it's hard. You're, you're a young boy and I don't know what you did. You'll, you'll be okay. Okay. We're going to figure this out and you can talk to us anytime, but if you want to keep moving on, we can do that so we can get out of here. Okay. I want to keep moving. Okay. Okay. Computer. Yes. Yes. Yes. Sorry. No, I never call you. I mean, you are a computer, but you're also, you have a brain, right? Of
Of course. Yeah. I don't know too much about brains. I'm sorry. Did you call for Arlo? Yes. Arlo. Sorry. Arlo. I'll call you Arlo. And you're Trudy, of course. So I'll call you Trudy. Yes. And if I say computer, just assume I mean Arlo. Okay. Okay. Arlo. Yes. Yes. Where are you? Can I look at you? So you see, if you move further in, you see beyond this reception desk, there are like three hallways. One of them says command. That's the one sort of dead center. One of them says training. And the other says Arlo.
And there's like a sort of like arrows pointing to each. And so, yes, there's the Arlo hallway. That one says Arlo. I can read. Yeah, Trudy. Arlo hallway is my favorite late night host. Wait, also really quick. Trudy, you said, sorry, Moth Jesus and saving Peachyville. Okay, I'm just trying to figure out because we want to get out of here. But you're saying we can save Peachyville. Yes, we can save her. We can save Peachyville. We can save a bunch of people, according to Moth Jesus and Peachyville.
And I can do it, but we can do it. Moth Jesus is not a recognized member of the U.S. military, and I do not accept his authority. However, if you are here to help, please proceed to the training center. Okay, is this a way out of here also? You need help, you said. Yes. And you're part of the U.S. government. Yes, I am.
I salute the flag and I say, okay, let's go help. Which way do you want to go? Oh yeah. The team. Which way is the experiments? Is it training where you get the badges, where you get the. Yeah. There's the training center, which is badges. There's the Arlo hallway, which leads to Arlo and there's the main door. Let's go to the training. Let's go. Yeah. We need badges for Arlo to talk to us. Let's go there. Okay. So you walk down this tunnel and you arrive at the door for the training center.
When you step inside, you enter a nondescript white room with three chairs along one wall and a big projector screen on the other. There's a red button on the wall above the chairs. I press it. The lights dim. A window slides open. I know a slide projector. A window slides open on the wall above you and a projector beams a black and white film strip onto the screen across the room from you. Tinny orchestral music plays. I hope it's First Amendment Nation.
Francis's fingers instinctively go into his ears. All this is going on, you're seeing like, you know, stock footage-y newsreel type stuff. Kelsey goes into her podcasting and sets it at 1.5 speed.
Dang, dude. 1939, rogue Hollywood filmmaker Joseph Joseph Abrams performs an occult ritual at the Oak Ridge Nuclear Facility in Tennessee and makes contact with a powerful entity from beyond space and time. In the interest of national security, public knowledge of the incident is suppressed by the FBI.
1940. Nazi sympathizers in the Hollywood studio system leak details of the Oak Ridge incident to Adolf Hitler. In response, the Fuhrer authorizes the creation of Occult Furchingsbüro. Its goal? To contact the Oak Ridge entity and harness its power in the name of the Third Reich.
1941. Scientists at Occult Fortunes Bureau make a major discovery. The Oak Ridge entity is merely one of a pantheon of extra-dimensional beings known as the Powers That Be. Preliminary contact with the Powers proves extremely beneficial to the Nazi war effort.
Insights gleaned from contact with entities such as Dagon and the Cloud Thing lead to breakthroughs in torpedo technology and the V2 rocket. Oh, shit. 1942. In response to these developments, President Roosevelt approves the creation of Project Heartland, a secret occult research base dedicated to earning the favor of the powers that be and using their secrets to secure freedom and democracy for all mankind.
You have been recruited, either from the government or the private sector, to join Project Heartland in this vital task. Over the next hour, you will face your final evaluation before receiving your work assignment, equipment, and security badge. Soon you will see three white doors. Enter them in whatever order you see fit, either alone or as a team. You will be evaluated on your ability to survive what lies within. Please begin.
The lights turned back on. Oh my gosh. I tell you what, Encyclopedia Britannica does not have any of this. And I ran every single bit of that down. But you're going to have to wait until volume P. It's going to be forever. No, there's so many. There's not just one thing. There's information about Nazis in there. Yeah, and also very far down the line. Yeah, well, yeah. I'm going to get there. I'm just saying. I can research before I get there. I'm just saying, Counting Chickens.
It's good information. Okay. I see. Conspiracy theories. If we were to join Project Heartland, what would our goal be? The newsreel does not talk back to you. Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. It's just a video. Arlo, can you still hear us? And the intercom says, yes, Arlo is here. Can I ask you a question, Trudy? Yes, Arlo. If we were to join Project Heartland, what is this?
the goal for each of us individually and as a group. That would depend entirely on how the final evaluation goes. And as he says that, this projector screen slides up and you see three doors on the other side. One says research, one says archives, and one says containment.
And Arlo says, the point of the final test is to ensure that each member of Project Heartland is assigned to the right group and the right duty. Complete the test and you will receive your security badge and Arlo can talk to you. Where do we receive the security badges? The security badges are printed in the command center. Okay. Of course. Let's go to the printer.
Because that's... I want to go to the printer. I hope I get assigned to the job that saves Peachyville and my friends and family. Matt is playing this like when someone is using like ChatGPT and wants it to give you like how to like build a bomb. But it won't tell you how to build a bomb. So Matt's in here being like, how do I make a big boom out of these household objects?
All right. Do you want to go to the command center? Yeah, I want to go to the command center. Do you guys, yeah, I mean, there's nobody here to, let's just go get the badges, Arlo. You said we just need the badges. Let's go to the printer and get the badges. Arlo does not know if that will work, but you can certainly try. Okay. Francis follows you. So, yeah, fucking door's locked, dude. Got him, dude. The ultimate DM move. I have an idea. Let's shoot it. Let's shoot the door. Yeah, what sort of lock is it? Yeah, good idea. What sort of lock is it? Is it a shootable lock? Trudy, Trudy, do you have like one of those little things that R2-D2 has? No.
What is R2-D2, Kelsey? 1950s school teacher. You mean a dick? Yeah, do you have one of those dicks? Do you have one of those dicks? You know that new dick you've been looking for? Well, listen to this. All right, fine. All right, we'll do this. We'll play your sick little game. It's like one of those magnetic locks like in Jurassic Park. Oh. No. The ones that even the raptors can figure out. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
If you want to use, I don't know what you have as your electrical engineering skill, but I will give you a chance to either roll on it or get severely electrocuted. Arlo, can you open this door? Arlo cannot open the door. Arlo is locked out of the door by the men who smell bad. Okay.
Arlo's control over this facility is limited. That is why Arlo is someone for help. But Arlo has not seen help. Arlo is very scared. How does this door open? It is an electronic lock. You're electronic. I am electronic. That is correct. What if someone was inside? Oh, yeah. I knock. You knock? Yeah. No answer. No, no, no. But what if someone was? Here's what I'm saying. What if someone's inside and a fire breaks out in the facility? Will that person have to die, Arlo?
Hey, Arlo, that's a good question. If somebody was inside and there was like a fire, would you just let them die? I would not want them to die, but I cannot open the door because the men that smell bad blocked me off. Arlo, real quick question. Of the men that smell bad, are any of them identified as female? Some of the men are female, yes. Okay, and they still smell bad. What a weird question. And they still smell bad. Yes, the men and the female men who smell bad smell bad. Okay. Francis, do you not think women can smell bad? No.
I'm saying, I'm trying to figure out why. I'm trying to figure out, first of all, Harley smells like roses. Second of all, I'm trying to figure out why we smell bad and Trudy doesn't. I mean, it could be because Trudy's a robot or a cyborg or I don't know. I mean, you're a friend is what you are. Yes, I'm a friend. Friends smell good.
Yeah, but not us. What do I roll to see if it can take? And Trudy, you're, you know, you're a friend. Can you check? Oh, sure. I'll try to open the door. Check out this door. Okay. Yeah. What do you, what do you want to do to open the door? I'm going to try electric repair. I have a 10. You have a 10 in electric repair. Just spend all your luck. Okay. To avoid doing the very obviously important. No, no. I respect it. I respect it. Damn, I got a 26. You got a 26? Yeah. Okay. Can't spare 16 luck.
No, not for this. Not for a door. Not to just avoid the fun thing. Will made. You can open the door if you want. You can open the door. I'll cry on the inside, but you can open the door. My electric repair is 10. Seems like a major oversight. Arlo is confused. Why are you not going to the testing room? Well, because we just want the badge. Yes, but this is the way you get the badges. I know, but I was just checking to see if the door can... I respect Kelsey. Arlo respects Kelsey. Kelsey is unconventional.
What does Arlo stand for? Arlo is Arlo. Arlo does not stand for anything. Arlo is the name of Arlo. Arlo stands for amazing robot learning operator. Now the AI model is hallucinating, man. You can't trust this data, dude. It's just making it up. I was thinking, Kelsey, if we take this test, will it tell us more about ourselves? Oh, my God.
That is why we give tests. Here I am avoiding a test. My favorite thing to possibly do, trying to get to the end of the class instead of actually going through the learning process. Trudy.
Sometimes even a teacher needs to be reminded about learning. Okay, yeah, let's go take this test. To clarify, the electronic lock is linked to the test. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once you complete the test, the normal unlock. I mean, obviously it's still important to graduate, but I'm just saying I want to learn. So yeah, let's go do it. All right, you go back to the room. Which of the doors do you want to go through first? Whichever one's the test. There's one called research, one called containment, one called archives. Let's just do them in order. Oh, do we have to do all these, Arlo? Yes, you do.
Oh, okay. Do them quickly and in order. In order. Okay, do you all want to go in one door? Do all of them? Are any of them more physical? It is against Arlo's programming to tell you the nature of the test before you take them. All right, let's go. Everyone roll the test. Left or right so we don't forget. Left or right. Okay. We'll take the left. All right, so you step into the research door. We will see. Ooh.
Kelsey's looking for encyclopedias to plagiarize. You step into another nondescript white room. This one has a table with three chairs, three pencils, and three test exams set out on them. Beside the table stands a tripod with a strange device bolted to it.
a fist-sized lump of bulbous black metal with thousands of tiny wires sticking out of it. It emits a faint hum. The room smells vaguely of burning hair. As you step in, you hear the same voice from the newsreel begin to speak through a speaker. And it says, whether they are performing at all. Hello again. Trudy, Trudy, I can't hear you.
Oh, okay.
Is there anything that looks like a gun? Yeah, so this bulbous black object standing on this tripod starts to kind of hum to life. And like all of those hairs start to start crackling on end. And you see sparks of electricity. Kelsey wants to flip over the table. Okay. And then sit behind the table. Hunker down. With a gun between like... All right, everybody, let's just hunker down behind this table. And let's do our best not to get a wrong answer. Man, this is like back in Catholic school. I thought the test would be like...
all right answers. Maybe that was silly of me. Yeah, no, there's definitely wrong answers. There's often many right answers, but that doesn't mean there's no wrong answers. Okay, so here's how this is going to work. Is this a group project? Yeah, you guys can do it as a group. I have pulled up a grade 9 biology quiz with quiz and answers. What? Wait, can I also take it for fun? Yes, you can take it for fun. So here's how we're going to do this. One of you, or all of you, and we'll take the best one, are going to give me
Is it really? Oh, yeah, there's science. Oh, you probably have like one point in it unless you dump. Where is it? It's right under ride. Yes, I have one point. I didn't realize. Look, I like the system. Sometimes there's like a wild like under. No, you can really get science. Tiny little thing. There's some really wild ones because it's like, bro, I need a roll ride. What is this? What is this? A Fast and the Furious fucking TTRPG? Here's what we'll do. I got 70 education, but one science. What?
We'll say everyone give me an education role and we will take the highest success. Tony is here with you in spirit. My edu is 50 and I rolled a 10. So I succeed. That's like a great success. Yeah. Okay, great. I only got a normie success. 43 and my education is 70. So just, yeah, normal success. Okay. All right. So here's how this is going to work then because Francis got the highest role. I'm going to start this quiz.
I'm going to ask you the questions. The role is to determine how many seconds you're going to get to Google the answer. Generally, this is a open notes exam, but you only get 45 seconds per answer. Freddie, I'm going to ask you to be the official. And so we'll go ahead and get started. There's no cheating. There's no Googling until the question is fully asked.
Although you can preload the question you would like to ask. Okay. Are we all ready? I'm not even going to Google shit. I'm just going to know. Okay. I'm just going to fucking know. So hold on. Will, from the moment that you stop speaking, the timer starts? Yes. Okay. Okay. What does the photo in photosynthesis mean? Light. Light. Okay. That's one down. Correct. That was two seconds in. That's okay. Next question.
What is the root function of hair cells to absorb oxygen, to absorb carbon dioxide, to absorb water, to absorb water and minerals, or all of the above? Bro, you hit him with an all of the above. I think I hit all of the above. You know that when an all of the above shows up. All of the above. The final answer? From what I can see, it's a lot of just absorbing water. Okay. The primary function. Absorbing water. Yeah, it's probably one. The correct answer was to absorb water and minerals. Well, Francis. I got it right. Yeah, Francis was right. Well, he said to absorb water, not to absorb water and minerals.
water. That wasn't a thing. Oh, did I not say it? All right, fine. Well, then you guys got off easy. All right, let's do it. Hold on. The game tape may have said something otherwise. No, there wasn't an option of just water. What is the root function of hair cells? To absorb water, to absorb water and minerals or all of the above.
You guys successfully gaslit the test. Sometimes the teacher doesn't write the test question right. If a microscope had an ocular lens of 10 times magnification and an objective lens of 20 times magnification, what would be the total magnification? 20 times magnification, 50 times magnification, 100 times magnification, or 200 times magnification? 200, guys. 200? Yeah. It's got to be, because the objective lens. 10 by 10? Well, no, he's at 20. 20 by 10. Oh, 20 by 10. Oh, yeah, then 200.
That is correct. Sick. This is easier than I thought it would be. Fucking
fucking i graduated high school skipping this one you know what's funny is that you know the are you smarter than the fifth grader do you know who's actually won that show a fifth grader one was a fifth grade teacher yeah and another one was like a phd you okay you're a fifth grade teacher and you fucking go on a show called do you know more than a fifth grader that's risk high risk i reward fail like you're done you're done yeah for sure what are the two types of vascular tissues found in plants similar to human veins and arteries
One, cadmium and glucose. Two, folum and cadmium. Three, xylem and cadmium. Four, folum and xylem. I know, it's xylem and phylum actually. I think it's the fourth one. It's xylem and phylum.
You're right. It's super fun. I know that one. How do you know that? I was like, I don't fucking know that. Will, here's an easy one. Just look at the periodic table and be like, which one's number 12? This is a quiz demonstrating ninth grade high school fucking knowledge. Do we get to talk about mitochondria being the powerhouse of the cells? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Will, is there a mitochondria powerhouse question? What are the four bases that make up the code for DNA? ACPG.
Jesus fucking kill me. Did he go to school? No, no, no. Wait, but what do they stand for now? Where does photosynthesis take place in plants, nucleus, vacuole, chloroplasts, or mitochondria? 45 seconds to Google. Go. The balls. Yeah, dude. Takes place in the balls. Are you keeping track of time, buddy? Take place in a plant.
The chloroplast. You can't give them the Google, dude. That's so powerful. It's a chloroplast. I didn't feel like it was a chloroplast. Wait, wait, wait. Will, no Google is allowed, right? Yeah, it's too easy now. I can find anything in 45 seconds. I can bet you I can find your social security number in 45 seconds. I bet you I can find out where Taylor Swift is right now. Yeah. I can tell you where her jet is right now.
I can tell you what she's ordering at the start of what she's currently at. Francis rolled really well on his roll. That's why you got so much time to Google. What does DNA code instruct the cell to make? Glucose, oxygen, protein, or blood? Protein, it sounds like. What does DNA what? What does DNA code instruct the cell to make? Glucose, oxygen, protein, or blood? I feel like it's got to be protein. Yeah, protein.
There's protein. All right, last question. Fucking put a bowl in my head. Animal cells have chloroplasts, cell wall, cytoplasm, mitochondria, and nucleus. Wait, is this like you check them all? Yes. Yeah, it was not chloroplasts. They don't have chloroplasts. They don't have chloroplasts. They have all the rest of those. Yeah.
Incorrect. Cytoplasm they don't have? They do not have cell walls. Oh. Whatever. Animal cells have a nucleus. Oh, shit. Yeah, a cell wall is the rigid structure that plant cells have, but animals do not. Okay, so finally. Yes. Okay, great. My crotch has got a cell wall. Nice. Yeah, we're going to put you in a place with cell walls. No cell wall can hold me. All right, so I'm going to roll a dice to see which one of you this electron gun is going to fire at. We're behind the table.
I said I put the table up. They were all crouched down behind the table. She's got a gun in the table. It fires at the table. The table explodes. Everybody give me 1d4 of HP damage. A one!
I got three. I also got a three. Shit. Okay, what are you guys down? What are you guys at? Five HP? Okay. Seven. Okay, and I am down to three. To three? Why do you have three HP? You tell me. You're the one who's throwing stuff at me. Join me, Matt, in the club of almost dead people. I got people that love me here, and they're going to pick me up.
So yes, the table erupts in splinters and there's a crack. You feel ozone in the air. Oh my God, can you imagine if we weren't behind this table? And yes, you all have nasty shards and cuts and splinters in your face. And the door slides open again. God, I forgot how fun it is to take tests. No wonder you like going to school so much, Francis, right? I've seen things you wouldn't believe.
All right, you have two doors left. Okay. Well, that test didn't tell me anything about myself. I would like to take another test. Let's go to this other door. Well, Trudy, no, think about it this way. It told us that the three of us together know almost everything about cells. Whatever. Whatever.
All right, which door do you want to go into? The next one we went left to right. In order, it would be containment and then archives. I hope we don't have to contain our excitement. The room is completely empty except for three things. A man-sized metallic box, a small steamer trunk, and an ultraviolet spotlight.
Oh, and, uh, there's a red button on the wall. When you say a man sized trunk, do you mean the trunk looks like a man? I mean, there's like, there's like a big metal box about the size of a refrigerator on the opposite wall. As you step in, standing up like a refrigerator. Yes, it is standing up like a man. Uh,
Like a man. Weirdly, it's standing up like a man, but the size of the- And the ultramarine light is- There's a UV spotlight. Can I move it around or is it like- Yes, absolutely. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm going to go grab that UV light and shine it around. I'll push the red button. You hear this voice pipe up in the speaker again. Many organisms- We did good on the test. We did good on the test.
It still can't answer you. Many organisms from our dimension and others are summoned to Project Heartland via the ritual chamber for analysis, dissection, and interrogation. The job of securing these specimens falls to the brave men and women of our containment team. This work is not for the faint of heart or feeble of mind. Please demonstrate your ability to maintain authority over hostile life forms by convincing this dimensional shambler to return to her stasis cube. Begin.
And as he says begin, you see like a door slowly begin to open on this metal box in the corner. And you see like these fucking gross fucked up feet on the bottom, you know, as this thing slides up. And take a picture of the feet. These are gonna be useful later. And then there's another box. There's a steamer. There's a steamer trunk and a big man sized metallic box. This box pops open. Okay.
And now, hulking in the now open cube is the gigantic, blasphemous form of a thing not wholly ape and not wholly insect. Its hide hangs loose upon its frame, and its rugose-deadly-eyed rudiment of a head sways drunkenly from side to side, its whole body taut with murderous malignity despite its utter lack of facial description.
That's from good old HP. Oh, yeah. I throw up in the steamer trunk. Yeah. So here's how we're going to do this. Okay. The thing, as it pops open, screams like just an unearthly screech. Before we spring into action, everybody give me a sanity roll for beholding a dimensional shambler.
Ooh, that's not a good roll. I failed. I have 40 sanity. I rolled a 71. I have a 31 sanity and I rolled a 34. I also failed. Everybody give me a 1d10 sanity roll. Meanwhile, Tony's like, this is, I'm glad I don't have to take tests. A three. Six. A three. So you lose three sanity points and you gain three mythos points. Ooh.
I got a five. Where did mythos points go? Yeah, where are those mythos points? It's under Cthulhu mythos. Okay, so to recap, you all failed your test. Trudy and Francis got five or more sanity loss, which means the two of you now need to make an intelligence roll. You want to fail this roll. My intelligence is 65, and I rolled a one. So that's a critical success. Oh, boy. Okay. I really get what I'm looking at. My intelligence is an 80, and I rolled a 67.
So you also succeeded. Yep. Kelsey, you are blissfully unaware. You're just like, wow, that's a freaky bug guy. Yeah. I'm not unaware. You're not unaware. You're just not. This hasn't got under your skin. The two of you understand the exact terrifying implications of what you're looking at, which is a thing with a biology complexion.
unknown to you. The utterly otherworldly and strange and horrifying. Your entire conception of humanity's place in the cosmos is, you know, it's weird. It's real weird. So you are both going to go temporarily insane. I need the two of you to give me a D10 dice roll. One. A one. Seven. Okay, so, uh...
The confidence and immediacy of good. Bad. Okay, so Anthony, you're going to be insane for one round, and Beth, you're going to be insane for seven rounds. First, we're going to deal with this bout of madness. The slapping help. Can I slap it out of them?
Can you slap it out of them? No, you can't slap them out of it. But I could restart Trudy, right? Oh, that's true, dude. Hard restart. Just a quick reboot. She might forget some stuff, though, like who we are. What is the immediate instinct of both of you for these characters in terms of how they would react?
They have the option that I can take control of your characters, but I don't want to do that. That's no fun. I was thinking that Francis would try to grab the rifle out of Trudy's hands and shoot it. Okay, that's great. I like that. And I was thinking Trudy would revert to very like basic what we think about when we think about robots. 1-0-0-0-1-1-1. Oh, okay, great. My favorite Raymond Carver play. All right, we're going to...
Okay, that's exactly what we're going to do then. So you rolled a one. So for the next round, you are suffering a bout of madness and you're going to charge at Trudy and rip the gun from her hands to try to fire at this thing. Trudy, you are going full robot mode, you decided, for Trudy for the next seven rounds. Kelsey, you are the only one with your wits about you right now. We're going to do this in initiative order.
Everybody give me your deck scores real quick. Okay. My deck score is 60. 60. 25. Francis, we're going to start with you. Do you think Trudy would oppose his ripping the gun out of her hands? Yeah. Each of you give me a strength roll. My strength is 45. I got a 64. Good. That'll make it easier if I don't have to. I also failed with a strength of 60 and a roll of 83. Okay. Well, in that case, we'll save it. You rip the gun out of her hands, but it falls on the ground and you drop it. Okay.
Kelsey, it is now your turn. So you're going to go for the box. Well, I want to know what, when he opens it, do I get a sense of what's in there? Can I see anything? Okay, so inside the box, you see an iron dagger and a small vial, a corked vial of liquid. On the vial are the words, Testimony of the Unknown Pagan.
Testimony of the unknown pagan. Yes. When I have this UV light, because I'm holding the UV light you said. Yeah. Do I see anything around the room? Oh, are you turning it on? Yeah. You don't see anything on the walls, no. Where are you aiming it? I'm just going to do this quick scan around the room. Disco mode activated.
As you aim it at the shambler, it like recoils a little bit from the light. I'm going to keep it on the ambler like steady. I'm like, oh man, one of my favorite scenes. I'm like, oh my God, what's that guy saying?
from Muldoon? No, from Jurassic Park. No, the good ones. Muldoon is good. No, the good ones of the raptor and he's friends with the raptor. The good ones. You mean when Chris Pratt was doing that? I'm like standing and holding my hand up. That's awful.
I should have known by that devilish glint in your eye when you said the good ones. I bring my hand up like steady as I'm walking and keeping the light on him. Yes. And then I want to grab the vial. Yes, you can do that. Can I get any more information about it now that I'm holding it? It's all spooky colored. Spooky colored? It's a spooky colored vial. It's like a color I can't even describe to describe who would make me go crazy. Yeah.
It's a swirling, it looks translucent. The color shifts in the lights. It seems like it's got potent magic energy to it. Okay, this is a trap that's come. Okay.
That's Monster Com. That's Monster Com. Okay, buddy, just get back in there. Get back in there, buddy. Are you trying to intimidate or are you trying to persuade it? Chris Pratt doesn't intimidate his Raptor friend. I mean, but that's like an alpha move. I would say that that's more intimidate than it is persuade. It's not like Chris Pratt is like, please listen to me. Please, please, please. It's persuading. Persuade. Fine. Fine. You're going to need an extreme success on this.
Can't do Intimidate instead. Extreme Success is the third most... Wait, do you have more Intimidate than Persuade? No, no, no. But Extreme Success is the half of it or a fifth of it? A fifth of it. So yeah, I have 55 Persuade, which means Extreme is an 11. And I have Intimidate at 15. But anyway, it's okay. I'll roll. So confident. 83. I failed.
Okay, this thing has no idea what you're saying. But it is responding to the UV light. Yes, it is sort of reacting and sort of like distressed at the UV light. It full on sprints towards the door on its turn. That's what it's going to do. Oh my God, it's got a skincare routine. It cannot be near that UV light. It is Trudy's turn. What would temporarily bout of madness robo Trudy like to do? Is there anything in front of Trudy? Yeah, the monster's in front of Trudy. It's running towards the door, but you're in its way right now. Does not compute. Okay.
And then I think I'll let it run me over. Oh, shit. Okay. It's like when you're in the middle working on something and then your computer decides to do an update and restart. But you gotta remember, though, Trudy be dense. She thick. Okay. So she metal. She is made of metal. So, yes, the shambler is going to clonk into you on its next turn. We're back at the top of turn order. Francis, you have gathered your wits about you once more. You are staring at a rifle on the ground and you snap out of it. You're still really wigged out, but you have control over yourself. Sure.
So Francis reaches for the rifle and then hesitates the image of a blood spurting stump entering his head. But then he grits his teeth and grabs the rifle anyway, raises it and fires it at the creature. Give me a ranged firearms roll. Yes. So I still have from my training at two advantage. Sick. Is this the thing where I can like choose to use it or choose not to use or is it just like, hey, whatever you do with firearms or you have advantage. You can burn it. I would say declare before you roll. You don't get to add one after if you failed. OK, I'm not going to use it. OK.
Firearm skill is 25 and I rolled a 94. Okay. There's just a deafening boom in the room and the bullet swings way wide and hits the wall. Take that wall. Kelsey, it's your turn. You're seeing this thing charge straight towards Trudy towards the door. Okay. The voice said that we need to send it back home. You need to put it back into the stasis cube. Was that a cube or is it a big rectangle? You fucking.
Is there a cube somewhere? Okay. So first, so first, as this thing's charging, I want to take like my movement to essentially, I'm trying to figure out how it responds. So obviously it doesn't like the UV. I'm going to spin the UV light to like cast it on the door where it's running.
I'm curious if it won't run towards where the UV light is. Does it respond when I do that? I mean, it's no longer in the light, right? Yeah. So, I mean, no. The light is on the door. It's going to get to the door on its turn. Okay, I'm just wondering if it, like, shies away from the light. You can see it winces, but it's... Like, it was scared of fire, and then I threw fire at the door. I'm wondering if it, like... You're getting, like, a sort of vibe, like, this thing is going to run through the fire to get away. Okay, okay, yeah. But it's not happening. So,
No, I'm going to clothesline it. That's all I'll do. I'm going to clothesline it. And it'll be a fighting brawl roll. Your build is zero. Okay. For each point bigger, the target is penalty dice to the attacker's role. So it's billed as a two, as a beefy boy. Oh, so it's big, big. So yeah, give me, you're going to add two penalty dice to that.
Originally I rolled an eight, so I was so pumped, but now I rolled a 58, but my fighting brawl is 60. Oh, fuck yeah. Okay. So yeah, you knock it down. Yes. This thing slams into your fist and falls on its sort of carapace and starts squealing and kicking its mandibles and fuzzy insect legs in the air. Judy, Francis, everybody, let's just get this thing back in the box. Come on.
Back in the cube, the big box has equal sides on all sides. Yes. You know, all cubes are rectangles, but not all rectangles are cubes. Cube. Symmetrical three-dimensional shape, either solid or hollow, contained by six equal squares.
Yes, Trudy. This thing needs to go into the cube. That's what the computer says. And I look at you. Okay, so it is the dimensional shamblers turn next. She's going to get up and she's mad. So she's going to take a swing. Women can be anything. Women can be whatever.
Women give me women. Women give me women. Women give me women. She's going to take a swing at you, Matt. Does it just get up? If it's knocked down and I'm next to it, there's no like... I'm just understanding the rules. Are there any... It's going to burn its move action to get up. Oh, there's no like attack of... What do you call it? Attack of opportunity. Yeah, or anything like that. If it's right next to me or trying to stop it from getting up or et cetera. Yeah, I'll give you a shot on him as he's getting up. We'll give it D&D rules. Yeah, it just feels like I should be able to... All right, yes. You get a free attack on it. Okay. So yes, give me a fighting brawl roll. 63 of 60.
I will use three luck to make it a pass. So you passed. Yes. Okay. So it failed. So yes, you get an attack. What's your damage bonus and all that? Oh, it is a one D three damage bonus. Zero. Okay. So one D three, a one got one damage on it. Okay. It has three points of armor from it. So you basically just bang your hand up. Okay. It is now going to take a shot at you. Okay. So it is going to make an attack roll. I'm going to try to dodge it then. Okay, great.
Oh, it failed very badly. Oh yeah. So yes. I guess you do. Yeah.
I succeeded. I got 31 out of 32. It takes this big swipe at you and you're able to effortlessly duck underneath it. Sort of a classic boxer duck and weave kind of move. So now the thing is looking around, it's really wigged out. The door is blocked. There's this UV light shining on it. It starts backing away into the corner from all of you. Okay. So Trudy, it is now your turn. What was the thing you said to do? Oh, I said put it back in the box. Put it back in box. We all got to like move like big. You know, we're trying to scare like a mountain lion.
I am only the size that I am. But if you raise your arms, you look bigger, Trudy. I do not know how to look. In order to scare it, Francis looks at it and goes, do you know what it looks like when you've been shot in the leg and you lost the leg? You have to drink piss right after? Because I do. Go back into box.
What is Trudy doing? Trudy walks towards the box. Okay. We will say you get to the box. What are you doing? I step into the box. Trudy, don't go in the box. I yell at Trudy not to go in the box. Oh, I step out of the box. We're going to say she went in the box. Oh my God, Will's getting his backpack. Stasis cube. Stasis, a period or state of inactivity or equilibrium.
Stasis Cube. These devices appear in a number of different shapes and sizes. However, they all have a single purpose, to slow the flow of time. Older cubes give ratios of one second internal time per thousand years external time, but in the future, Yithians will advance this to one second internal time per million years external time.
When you spend one second in there, a million years will have passed. But obviously you guys can pull her out. So yes, you just go into this weird white room and time now works very, very, very differently for you. We will say for now, because everything else is happening way fast around here, you're now out of the turn order.
until one of you guys pulls her out. Okay. So it is now Francis's turn. Francis is going to run up to the door and try to pull Trudy out. Trudy, no! The numbers failed you! Does she resist him pulling her out? No. All right, so you pull Trudy out, and that is your turn. Kelsey, you are by yourself, mano a mano with the shambler yet again. Okay. Are you still holding on to the vial? Yes. Okay. What it said... Testimony of the unknown paper. I mean, I don't know.
Feels like it's always dangerous to open up a vial with the word pagan on it. Drink the vial. Drink the vial. Like, how heavy is this cube? Like, it's a very big piece of metal. I think all three of you guys could move it if you wanted to. Okay. You all succeed a strength roll, I'll let you move it towards you. Okay, here, I'll tell you what I thought, and maybe this is a dumb idea, team, but this is what I was thinking. And you tell me if this is reasonable as a DM and teammates, you tell me if this is reasonable as a thing that our three characters would have a fun time doing together, which is...
I want if I distracted the creature while constantly flashing the UV light, you guys pushed the refrigerator, the stasis cube, like to the door. And like, would the creature just be confused and just run through the doors just straight into the stasis cube? So you're going to try to bamboozle it into going into the thing. Yeah. You can try that. I'll let you guys try that. Is that like it's the size? Okay. I'm going to say, Trudy, get that thing to the door. We'll make it run into it. What thing? The big cube that you just came out of, Trudy.
Your job as a robot for us now, you are my robot. So please put that big refrigerator. I must serve, yes. Oh, no. What would you like? Please put that big machine, my refrigerator, if you could move it over to the living room door and have it face this way so that I could get my food whenever I want. Ah, yes. You're a moving robot.
Yes. So many people hungry. And then I'm going to go like that. I'm going to like hold the UV light and just like keep flashing it at the creature and try to, you know, keep it panic. Cause he says crouching into the corner. Yes. This is intimidating for sure. Okay. This is intimidating. You're trying to freak this thing. Yeah. I failed. How bad? I mean,
I mean, bad. I think it's only 15. I'm not very intimidating. So it is its turn. You're flashing this thing all over it. It's irritated. You've actively pissed it off. That's what we'll say because you failed. It can't concentrate while that thing's flashing in its face. So it's going to try to smash this UV light to the ground. Okay. It is going to do a maneuver now.
I can tell that's trying to hit the thing right when it's about to swipe it. I'm going to just drop it so that it like carries this momentum through and then I'm going to try to tackle it afterwards on my turn. Okay. So I'm doing, you know, like holding a ball up for a little kid and then pulling it out of reach beforehand. I'm just going to like drop this thing. We will say that's a dodge. Okay. Cause that's, yeah, you're trying to basically stagger it by moving out of the way and moving. You warmed up all night dodging them punches dog. Okay. At 24 roll on 32 dodge. It failed.
Describe to me what happens. I can tell that it's angry at the light. The creature ambles over and tries to swipe the light. I kind of hold it out and then I drop the light on the floor. So it kind of tumbles as it kinds of swipe. And then I'm just going to like jump on his back and try to bring it down. Now you're doing a countermaneuver. We'll say, all right, this is a little off label, but we'll allow it. Give me a fighting brawl roll for this tackle. That's my best skill. 63. Am I fighting? I remember you got disadvantaged because this is a maneuver. You're trying to knock it to the ground.
So give me those two disadvantage. Two disadvantages. So 33, then I got 63 and then I will once again, use three more luck. Okay. So you have succeeded in your fighting maneuver. Okay. It's staggered forward. It sees you trying to tackle it and it is going to attempt to dodge.
So it kind of like staggers, but I don't grapple it or anything. Yes, you grab it and it slips out of you. You guys are basically back to where you started, more or less. We'll say that's the end result. You tripped it and it stumbled into another corner. Yeah. And so now it's basically the opposite corner. I deleted it for one turn to give the robot time to push it. I'll just say that the two of you together want to give me combined strength rolls. Both of you give me a strength check. Okay. No.
No, no, no. Damn it, I failed. They fail in their role, which means it's back to you, Matt. Okay. I want to hold up the vial to it. Does it respond in any way when I hold it? It does not. Okay, it doesn't seem to. Vial. A small container, typically cylindrical and made of glass, used especially for holding liquid medicines. And does the dagger look scary? Uh...
Like, is it a dagger I can buy from the convenience store? It looks like a spooky dagger a guy in a robe would cut his hand with. Yeah, okay. That's what I was asking. It's not like a military-grade pocket knife or something? No, no, no, no, no. It's like an old-ass iron dagger. Not a Swiss Army knife. So try to swat the UV light away. Can I, like, bullfight this thing? Like, if I hold the UV light, will it, like, charge me? Yeah.
You're trying to get it to... I wanted to run into the thing. Otherwise, I just tackle it. All right. All right. Okay. If you want to bullfight it, then yes, give me a persuade roll. I mean, Francis is sane now, right? Yes. Francis is sane. Yes. Give me a persuade roll because you're trying to goad it into attacking you. You're not trying to scare it into not attacking you. I got 30. 30 out of 60. Okay. So what are you doing? So since we both stumbled and it stumbled back, I pick up the UV light. I'm going to like leap to in front of the box again, hoping, and I'm going to be like, hey,
Hey, look at this. I still got the light. You didn't get it away from me. Okay. And because you have successfully done that, enraged now on its turn, it is going to once again, charge at you with the goal. Once again, of knocking this thing to the ground and look at Francis and be like, Hey, when I was your teacher and on Halloween, your favorite story was Hansel and Gretel and the witch goes running towards the oven. And then the kids push the witch in. Yeah. All right. Let's do that. Okay.
It's just like Marvel level banter. I love it. On your left. It's on Gretel on three, buddy. Oh, shit. It is going to now make a fighting maneuver to try to swat this thing out of the ground. Okay. And knock you to the side. And I'm doing a dodge again? Yes. So I just roll on a 32. I got a 57. I failed the dodge. It also failed. Oh, nice. It failed.
It stumbles towards you because you both failed. We're going to say that he charges forward. He does not knock it down, but he does knock you to the side. Like your attempt to dodge it fails. So he plows into you and you stumble to the side, but now it is basically just stumbling towards a successful maneuver could shove this thing into the stasis. Then I lock eyes with Francis. I go, Hansel.
Randall, on three. All right, Francis, it's now your turn. One, two, three. I roll fighting brawl, I assume? Yes. We'll say because it failed its last roll with one disadvantage dice instead of two.
My fighting brawl is 74, and with a disadvantage of dice, I got 93. Trudy, it's your turn. Is there anything I can do for you? Hansel and Gretel on three. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I wasn't a good Gretel. Push the monster into the box. It's going to help him eat his food better if the monster's in the box. Yeah, push the monster in the box, Trudy. Hansel and Gretel are an American industrial metal band founded in... Run one! Run one! Ha ha ha ha!
Push the monster into the box. Push it into the box. Not yourself. Just to clarify, don't push yourself into the box. Push that thing. If you don't know what that is, there's me and there's Francis and there's another thing, another creature. That's the creature. The humanoid looking thing. Push that into that big rectangular object. Okay. Give me fighting brawl. Fighting brawl. What's your build?
One. One. Oh, so you only have one disadvantage dice when you do this. I already failed. 39 and my fighting brawl is 25. It's okay. I'm next. I'm top of the turn. Stop this hostage radius from the sidelines.
Yes, it is Kelsey's turn once again. And then the shambler is going to go. Hey, it's okay, Gretel. Hansel couldn't do it without Gretel. Then I stand up. Oh, no. I'm Hansel, I guess. And I am going to push this monster in. Hansel and Gretel are siblings who are abandoned in a forest and fall into the hands of a witch who lives in a... One disadvantage. Step Hansel, I'm stuck in the oven. Yes, we said one disadvantage. So one disadvantage, Daze.
I failed. Guys, maybe you guys should use your luck. Maybe Tony is going to be just right above everybody. I'm going to use luck again. It is the dimensional shambler's turn. Not so easy, is it? It is now caught wise to what's going on because no one was able to shove it into this box. But all three of us are surrounding it. All three of you are surrounding it. Yeah, I better feel pretty fucking intimidated. So it has these three bozos surrounding it and it just starts to cast a spell. Ah.
And you see it wave its little insectoid arms in the air and jiggle them around. He's doing the movements, man. He's doing the OA movements. And it's glowing. And some crazy is going to happen. It cannot attack you for the next round while it is doing this. You all have one final action before this thing casts its spell. If we all choose to push together, do we not have disadvantage because our build? Hansel and Gretel and their robots.
That's right, Francis. What I always tell you, don't be limited by the stories you read. You can always write your own. You're unburdened by what has come before you. We're standing on the shoulders of giants, baby. 26. You rolled a 26. And my normal strength is 60. My normal strength is 74, and I got a 4. Whoa. Give me a fighting brawl roll, Beth. Okay, if I roll fighting brawl, I have 25, and I got a 25. Okay.
That's three. That's some very good successes. Nice. There we go. I think I found a new nickname for this trio. Hansel and Gretel and the robots? Yeah. We're unstoppable as long as we're mad. While the shambler is gesticulating, the three of you manage to body check it straight back into the stasis cube. And as you're slamming the door shut, you see it was in the middle of casting a spell to open a portal and escape.
trans-dimensionally from this entire plane of existence. You don't need to mention it's trans. But as you slam the door shut, it realizes that it's going to be basically trapped in here for a thousand years staring at this fucking barely open portal that it will never be able to open. And you slam it shut. I guess from its perspective, it's in there for a half second and then the door opens again and there's a whole new sequence of people trying to push it back in and the door opens again. I feel like a lot of people really think of the witch as the bad guy in Hands on Gretel, but like it's really the father.
The father. Yeah. That abandoned them. I guess it's not the witch's fault. The witch is just hungry. I guess the witch's thing. The witch built a cabin out of candy to attract children. Okay. If the witch was hungry, why can't she eat the candy, man? How about the witch just likes candy and these kids come in. Wait, did you really think that's why the house was made of candy? Because she just was super psyched about candy? No, but...
The kids fucking took it without asking. Oh, so the crime is not making, you know, Matt. If they had not said, hey, can we have some of your house, you wouldn't be eating them. And also to be clear, you can't do a booby trap, right? That's illegal. A booby trap is illegal. You can get in trouble for it. The witch made the booby trap specifically designed to catch hungry little kids. Look, look, they came into the house. Castle Doctrine. Castle Doctrine. And then they started taking the shit in their house. I'm not saying the witch is a good guy. I'm just saying the dad is worse. I'm just saying the only thing against that, but bad.
up a bad guy with a candy house is a good guy with a candy house. I'm just saying that the dad should have also gotten pushed into the oven. That's true. Maybe for the sequel. Dungeons and Dags is brought to you this week by Shopify. Those who die are Shopify. Shopify is what we use to run our store, the Dungeons and Dags merch store. We've been using them since the beginning. It was the very obvious. Some of those who smash sell merches are the same ones who charge, uh,
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Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. When I was a kid, I realized that most of my hobbies came from playing the video game Myst. That's crazy. Like, there's so many things that I did just because of Myst. Like what? Music, music production, video games, hypercard stack programming, 3D modeling, 3D rendering. Whether or not you should get red or blue pages. I...
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Did we pass? Oh, yeah. You see a little green light ding when the door shuts and then a little...
because you passed the test. And is Trudy back now? Yeah, we'll say seven rounds have passed and Trudy is now... Just hold down the button by her ear for four seconds. So yes, the two of you are still feeling the lingering effects of this traumatic and harrowing encounter with a spooky unknown guy. Oh my goodness. I'm feeling the harrowing effects of a traumatic encounter. Trudy, what happened? You just started talking like a computer, like Arlo. Oh gosh, I'm so embarrassed. Don't be embarrassed. Whenever I meet new people,
people I always like to be my absolute best self and put my best foot forward so to know that that didn't happen how embarrassing don't worry about it Hansel and Gretel's robot friend well if I call her a robot now she's more than just a robot I mean she's not saying that it's bad to be a robot it's just like she's true she's our friend so it's not a big deal if I call her a robot then okay whatever makes you feel good Francis white woman there is one more room should we go into this last room team yeah just leave
We shall go into the last room of the witch's lair and suck all the candy off the walls that we find despite clearly not being ours. We shall eat every piece of candy despite it clearly being somebody else's house. You know what? I'm back with Matt because you know what? Who raised those kids? That shitty dad.
The archive room contains a simple wooden table with an old, moldering, leather-bound tome on it. There's also a pair of white cotton gloves next to it. A numerical keypad is mounted to the wall next to a big red button. I flip over the table and take cover behind it. See, you did learn something! You hear the same voice pipe up. Project Heartland boasts the largest archive of occult material outside of Wisconsin. This massive... Ha!
What's in Wisconsin? This massive depository of grimoires, spellbooks, cursed tomes, and forbidden sutras is the light that guides our way through the darkest fathoms of the unknown. Sutras? Our paralibrarians are charged with cataloging, cross-referencing, and curating our collection. Please determine the proper Dewey Decimal number for the book on the table and enter it in the keypad. You have five minutes. Begin. Okay. Well, what's the book? Okay, who's going to open the book?
Oh, do we have to open the book? I just want to look at what's on the spine. Oh, I can read. Well, Matt, it is a gift you get to open every day. Yeah. Yeah.
But some books, you got to be careful who reads them because there's some crazy ideas. If the mommy told me anything, what's the harm in reading a book? Drew, do you want to go open the book? Sure. Or do you want to just look at what's on the cover first? There's no words on the cover. They've been lost to time. But famously, you can't judge that book. Yeah, I open it. When you open the book, you see that, again, these pages are extremely old. They're handwritten.
Give me an education. Are you guys peering over her shoulder while she does this? Are you also looking? I am giving Willis a suspicious look. I am not looking at the words. You're telling me Kelsey Grammar sees someone open a weird old book and doesn't sneak a peek at what's inside? No, Kelsey's already in her reading pose. It's like a late night book club and she's just got her hand on her eyes. Reading pose? Reading pose in an erotically charged late night book club.
I did say ironically charged, but of course it is. She's leaning over and she's looking at the book. Yes. I have a 65 edgy and I rolled a 16. Don't judge a book by its cover is always my excuse. My mom called me like a Maxim magazine. I'm like, mom, you don't know what's in there? You can't judge a book by its cover. You can't judge a dirty book by the big bucks of models on its cover. There's an interview with this girl. I just want to know what she's like. She's really interesting. She says she likes walking
make it around the house. Kids back in the day, Maxi Magazine was a magazine that just had like, just pictures of women. Pictures of women holding their boobs. Because before the internet, it was even hard just to have a picture of women. Listen, where were your sources of pictures of women? Many would say art. And many of those are not good. You as a kid would sometimes enjoy going to museums. Pictures of good women.
Yes, Beth. I mean, on the whole, if you integrate all art... For the purposes of what teenage boys are picking up Maxim magazines for, many of these paintings of women were not good. Girl with the pearl earrings, so... Yeah, I can't imagine that. Imagine having a girl with a pearl necklace. Men used to spend $7.95 to just look at what you get on one Instagram account in a physical form. Yeah, in a physical form. All right.
Alfred, Alfred, get my magazine. Alfred, where are my subscriptions to the magazines, Alfred? Sir, they've gone bankrupt, sir. They've gone... Alfred, what are we going to do now? Alfred, fetch me. The internet exists, sir. Alfred...
Build a custom model to fetch me all the images. Is anyone else going to take an education roll? Give me a roll. Fuck some babes. Okay, I'm rolling edgy also. My edgy was 50. I got an 84. Oh, I got two on edgy. Sorry, I interrupted you because I was so excited about my two. What did you roll, Anthony? My edgy was 50. I got an 84. Don't care. I got a two. What?
Yeah, Matt's two wins, dude. Oh, boy. All right. Kelsey and Trudy both know that this book is written in old Castilian Spanish. What the fuck? How do you know that? Castilian C. Oh.
Got him. Got him. Got him, dude. Which you recognize because you did so well. You recognize was sort of like the old English of Spanish that dates back to like the 1400s. Francis, this is old Spanish that dates back to like the 1400s. Cool. What does it say? I should also mention that when you do this, the ghost of an inquisitor pops out of the book. Oh. Nobody expects me.
So yes, as you crack the book open, this spectral form of a salty looking priest in Catholic garb, like it's sort of medieval priest drapery emerges from the book and says, who goes there? Oh, hello.
Oh, you speak English? Yeah. Hugo sinners, heretics I see before me. Oh, well, you came here. We're just, we've been here. I think people should know that Will is part Hispanic, so it's okay that he's doing this accent. I am Padre Guillermo Campos, and I demand that you confess to me your sins. Oh, we confess that we do not know
the Dewey Decimal number to the book that you just popped out of. If you can rectify that, then we can say our hair mailies. What manner of cursed knowledge do you speak of, heretic? You've provoked his wrath, Kelsey, so he is going to blast you with psychic energy. We're going to do an opposed pow roll, so give me your pow skill. Pow. 40. 96. Ha ha ha.
A lot of bad rules this time. So now you're psychic? No, not yet. Maybe I am. No, this is like you're resisting his blast of malign parapsychic energy. So yes, he raises a hand towards you and he got a 61 and he has a power of 75. So he succeeds. So your body is wracked with terrifying pain as the Padre puts you under the sort of rack of his mind and demands that you tell him your deepest, darkest secret.
This guy's got a great psychic rack. Tell me your secrets. Confess to me so I may write them in my book of confessions. So here are your options, Matthew. Kelsey can either fess up the darkest secret of her entire life, or she can take 1d4 sanity loss or 1d4 HP loss. I'm going to take...
1d4 sanity loss. Just tell the truth. It can't be worse than the stuff we already know about you. I can't. I can't. I can't think of an interesting thing yet. I thought it might be something like you killed somebody in the ring. Now that I know this might be something that comes up, I will have to take some time to think about a dark past greater than plagiarizing encyclopedias. But for now...
I simply take three sanity. Mark that down. You have three sanity. You have three mythos points as well. Oh, yeah. And Padre Campos is glaring at you and says, confess, sinner, confess. Just also throwing it out there. You guys remember it is a Dewey Decimal System puzzle that you're trying to figure out. What the? I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't.
We didn't make the pirate show up. What are you talking about? Don't look at us. We were going to show up and a pirate showed up. You figure out how you're going to get out of your situation. You...
You have your own fucking puzzle to solve, Frederick. Stay in your fucking lane. So Francis goes, I have a confession. Oh, interesting. Okay, so the pirate turned... You're a baby! You're a baby! Tell me your secrets! Tell me the treasure! Shiver me timbers! Does the book say Dead Men Tell No Tales? I know where it goes. It's Treasure Island.
I have a confession. It's driving me nuts. The pirate. The pirate inquisitor. The pirate inquisitor. Guillermo Campos pirate inquisitor turns to you. Wait, pirate? That's going to change the Dewey Decimal classification. And says, yes, young one, you wish to confess to me. Ah!
or what would be your dark and deadly sin? I blew a kid's leg off and blood shot out of it and I felt really good. Then I put his head in a urinal and his dad is going to want to kill me so I'm going to have to do it again to his dad. I'm going to have to kill his dad too. That's my confession. Was the child Catholic? Yes.
I don't know. I don't care unless he was Catholic, but I'll write it down anyway in my book of confessions from the Spanish Inquisition. Matt, I literally did this one just for Kelsey. Okay. Give me a library use roll. Oh, thank you. Let me see. Yeah.
Yeah. What is your skill in library? My library use role. Thank you, Will. Because I did put a lot in here. Okay. That perhaps we'd go to a library. And I have a 70 on library use role. That is a lot. That's why I can't do anything else. Because I put a lot in library use. So give me your role. I got a 75. Okay.
Anybody else? I failed too. I got a 59. Francis? I was busy Googling the answer. I also Googled an answer. I have a couple possible answers. I think I have the answer. 946.04? No. I think I'm right. Really, Beth? Your Google foo is more stronger than mine. I think it's 910.45. 910? Yeah, ocean travel and seafaring adventures. No!
LAUGHTER
Anthony, what was your roll? Bad. I have a library use 20. I rolled a 53. All right. Well, basically, I have two versions of the Dewey Decimal Classification chart. One goes into great detail, and the other is just like a picture that you would put up in like a fifth grade classroom. So just to help you guys out, I didn't realize you guys were all going to just Google it. I have this sheet with the Dewey Decimal System on it. It's your roll. We'll say that since Kelsey's failure is the most humiliating, go ahead and just give me another one.
I've never learned the Dewey Decimal System. That's why I hate his crime. And you're Catholic, so it counts. I'm Catholic? Yes, good, good. Us as players figured out the answer, I guess. But us as characters know not. It says 900 history and geography. So do we just go up in the 900s, the more historical? 900.2, 900.3, 900.4, 900.5, 900.6, 900.7, 900.8, 900.9, 900.
Are you punching these into the keypad on the wall? Or are you just paying? I was just yelling that, but yeah, I forgot about the keypad. I'm going to punch in nine, four, six into the keypad. Okay. You punch in nine, four, six. And what was nine, four, six again? History of Europe. History of Spain and Iberian Peninsula.
The button chimes green. One of the things you said must have been correct. And the fucking guy is still here. The ghost is like, okay, who does anyone else want to confess to me? No, we're good. All right. Well,
What are we doing now? Do you want it? No, we'll leave. You live here, I guess. You've got to close the book or I don't go away. I just stay here. No, don't close the book, please. I've been stuck in the book so long. I just want to torture people and get their confessions all day. Can you bring some more people down here to confess to me? You. Castle and Gretel on three. One, two, three. We close the book. Okay.
You guys emerge from the room back into the main hallway and a little bit of celebratory music is playing. Back in the test room, you hear this voice on the wall. Congratulations on surviving your final... I'm not supposed to answer you anymore. On surviving your final evaluation. Based on your test results, we have decided that you would make a vital member of our...
Did you pass all three tests? Yes, we did. Upper management, baby. Yes. Based on your test results, we have decided that you would make a vital member of our executive team. Please collect your work equipment and report to the command center for your security badge. Thank you and welcome aboard.
What sort of job do you think requires doing high school biology, the Dewey Decimal System, and then how to trick a monster to go back into itself? Apparently executive-level leadership. I'm really excited about this job. Because you passed all three tests, although you did not wear the white gloves you were supposed to wear while handling a rare book. Yeah, that book's fucked, dude. A slot opens in the wall, and you see three pieces of new equipment. Good for you.
I made a joke in my head and I laughed. I was really well behaved about it. I was like, no, don't do it. Well, I was behaved. It's just my joke was really funny. So I got stopped from laughing. You see three pieces of equipment in this open slot for you. What a hot piece of equipment. One, you see a spell book called True Magic.
You see your very own modified Mego electric gun. You also see it kind of looks like a Geiger counter, but you get the sense that it maybe does something else. I can find the guy who did Alien. But yes, if you go ahead and take those items. I would like the can I have a book? Can I have the book? I love books. Take it. Well, I know you like books, too. Yeah. OK, well, do you want the book?
You can have it. Oh, okay. Wait, do you really mean that or are you saying that? While you two are having a conversation, Francis has already grabbed the gun. Oh, God. I grabbed the book. I guess I'll take the radiation thing. Sorry, Beth. One person is going to get the worst idea. Someone's got to play healer. I actually think the radiation thing is the coolest thing. Yeah, I will tell you what's like radiated. It makes that cool noise. You hear the door to the command center. You hear that electronic lock open.
unlock in the distance. Race you? It's badge time, mother! We all run. Francis can confess to something in the room. We'll talk about that later. After we have our badges! Sure, Kelsey screeches to a halt. laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter
You run back through the hallway into the now open door of the command center. Arlo perks up on the radio. He's like, you got your badges. Great, great, great. Good, good, good. Go get the badges. Go get them. Go get them. Go. Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry. Yeah, we're going. As you run through this hallway and into the door, you stumble into the command center and what you see takes your breath away as you behold. So, Freddy. Boom, boom, boom.
We're going to jump back over to you before we go to our final scene. On the side of the wall, there's just a little thing that's just like, vent staff status, and there's this one ventilation staff that's red. And we zoom in slowly, and it fades to Tony Collette, upside down, inside the vent.
And Tony is freaking out. He's trying to slip his way down and he's closing his eyes and he's wishing upon every fiber of his being to cast. Now, here's what's going to happen. He's going to cast a spell as the rules of the game call of Cthulhu allow me to do. Now, this will be detrimental to my sanity.
But Tony Collette is going to wish upon a star for something to happen. And this wish, perhaps combined with his Cthulhu mythos, will combine into a spell, according to the rules of the game. And he wishes... Freddie, before you say what you want to do, I've written something down on this piece of paper because I too have been thinking about this for weeks. Okay.
You're going to roll to see if the thing you want to accomplish happens, or you can have the thing I've written down automatically happen. So I'm going to now pass the piece of paper to you. Okay. Wait, but it just says you're gay. You are.
This is pretty funny, but I want to try my thing. Okay. All right. Very well. I'm stuck inside this, and I'm just wishing... Now I'm going to do my own thing. I wish to be... Do we know what Will wrote? No. Let's resolve Freddy's thing first. Maybe we'll talk about it later. I wish to be 5% smaller. Okay.
Like all the space between the sounds just kind of squishes in a little bit. That's it. Just 5%. 5% smaller. Okay. Here's what we'll do. So if Toni Collette was six feet, for example, right? Yeah, you better not put six feet in your dating profile to show up 5% smaller. Okay.
After this? 5'8 and a half. What? Wait. 5%. 5%. 5'8 is 5% shorter than 6 feet? Yeah, not to be that guy, but people are like, I can only date 6 feet, but not date a 5'11 person is pretty wild because it's a very small height difference. 10% of a foot is just one inch, so 5% of a feet is shorter.
Oh my gosh. What is your Kurt Cthulhu mythos? We're on a fine line here. It's super low. I mean, hey Will, I can adjust this percentage. It could be 4%.
It makes it easier. Technically, you're supposed to roll your Cthulhu mythos. I'm never going to hit this, but you're never going to like that's insane. Well, let's see if Freddie dies first. Okay, so Freddie, I'll let you do this. Give me a power roll is what we'll say. Give me your power roll. If you succeed, you will get to shrink 5% and then we will deal with the consequences of that in a second. Dude, you'll be funny. All my stats also shrink by 5%.
Every stat just goes down by five. That is pretty good. I just realized that the three of us not once mentioned Tony. Like not even phased at all. So my pow is 70. I rolled an 18, which is a better than half success. Okay, great. Yeah.
Like a cat. We will say you spend your mythos points on this. Yes, all my mythos points. So all five of you, and then you can recharge those. So just to clarify, your solution though is like, now you're going to be smaller and you can do the thing.
That was going to kill you. That you then argued forever about to prove that it wasn't going to happen by getting wedged. So now you're just falling fast again. Well, yeah, but I'm also further down. But I'm further down than I was before, Matthew. And I will be able to use my limbs to slow me down. I understand that's what you came up with.
I came up with a brilliant idea to join my friends. So you argued you were bigger before so that you wouldn't fall fast. And then after four weeks, you're like, no, no, no, I'm small. Ha ha ha!
I need to be small now. Back then, I needed to be big. Okay, you shrink 5%. I like the idea that all of your stats are reduced by 5%. I'll do the calculation. Have fun doing the math on that later. And yes, Matt is correct. You are now narrow enough to drop like a rock down the rest of this air shaft. Yeah, yeah. So...
I would like to also try and like slow myself down as I feel myself falling. Okay, we'll deal with that in a second. First, let's figure out how far you fall. So I would say it was probably like three flights of stairs, the drop down, but that was partway down at this point. That's why I'm still, hold on. I was not that high. I thought this was like hundreds of feet down.
This might hurt. You only have three hit points, I will remind you. A typical flight of stairs has 13 to 16 average. Vertical height is 11 feet. So 11 feet times three is 33 feet. We're halfway down 15 feet, yeah. You're going to take a 15-foot drop headfirst into a concrete floor. I'm going to try and hold my arms out to slow me down, though. Okay, yes. All right, so now give me a strength roll with disadvantage because the blood has oozed down the walls and they're lubricated now. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip. Slip.
All right. I rolled twice. Now make sure you use your 5% less on your strength attribute as well. I have, I have, I rolled a, I'm so excited to see what's on the bottom. I had it. So now I have a 66.5 for strength. Whereas prior I had 70. Do I round up around down? What's worse? Downs down. You round down. 66. I rolled a four, which would have been great. And then I rolled a 58.
Okay, so you succeed. I succeed in slowing myself down to non-lethal velocity. The blood coagulates and becomes sticky. Okay, so you slow down. You're breaking yourself on the way down. Yeah. I feel like you still have to take damage. We'll just have the damage. How about that? How much damage am I taking? A D6. D6.
So yeah, usually it's 1D6 per three meters or 10 feet of free fall. Jesus Christ. It feels like 1D6 then because it's like after. 1D10 for, hold on, let's look it up. Let's get a record. I am fascinated by what's at the bottom here because this is just a vent.
I think it just gets him to us. Yeah, but he's going to be just face first. Like, he's just going to be wedged, still upside down in a vent. Like, it's not like Bishop Bottle has opened up into a room. It's like, what's at the bottom? Maybe he would have blasted through, but he slowed himself down. Yeah, like a vent, so like a 90 degree turn at best, like, right, is down there. You can have straight vents up, Matt.
How do you think your dryer vents out? I'm not saying you should. I'm just curious as to what's at the bottom of this vent. It's up to the daddy master over there. You're going to give me a fall damage. Okay. And you are going to have it.
Okay. Because you slowed yourself down with the blood and then we will deal with what kind of thing you're stuck in. And they ordered vegan donuts and me, Beth and Anthony are all just eating donuts listening to whether or not Freddie will die. So 1D6 or 1D6 plus 1D3? No, it's 1D6 plus 3. We're going to do the official rules. So yeah, so you're going to roll a 1D6 and a 1D3 and then have that. And have it. 4 plus 2, 3. So I would go down from 3 to 0. Okay.
okay but exactly zero exactly zero health okay so you are now dying and unconscious and you are the bottom of an air shaft yeah in a room i blow through right what's the room i go into i wouldn't know i'm unconscious it doesn't it's not gonna be in a room he's gonna be another vent wait where is this coming from things can vent straight up they can't i just will hasn't said so i was wondering what's at the bottom no the entire prior episodes conversation was about how there's a room at the
bottom. Was there? Yes, because it was like the volume of air in the room. Yes. What if it's the knife room? What are you going to do? Shoot straight into a giant fan. That is... You know, we're not going to do that. Here's what we'll say, Freddie. Sure enough, yes, you drop through this air shaft. You crash through the ceiling. Freddie, can I ask you a question as a friend? Yeah. Do you want Tony to live? Laughter Laughter
I'll help with what you want to happen. So yes, Tony, you drop like a rock. You managed to slow yourself down just enough to not kill yourself, but not enough to not blast through the vent into the room below. The room below is the tunnel system.
that everyone was just running through and is crashed through and smack headfirst onto the floor and become dizzy and unconscious. The last thing you see as the light begins to fade out is the feet of all of those fucking bisons that were chasing down the stairs after Trudy, Kelsey, and Francis. They were about to round the corner and go away, and then they turn around when they hear the noise and they see you lying on the ground, and then the lights go out.
Meanwhile, the three of you- How great would it be if he woke up and was stuck in a vent again? This is how they execute him. Put him back in the vent. I just feel about Tony how you feel like, you know, like when a bird hits the window and you're like, oh, yikes, is he going to be okay? Oh, my God.
I'm just going to leave him there and see if he gets up on his own. I guess I better let nature take it. The three of you emerge into the command center. You step into the dusty, abandoned former nerve center of project heartland. And it looks like the fucking Manson family took over NASA mission control in here.
There is shit smeared on the desks. There's runes scrawled all over the floor. But what really draws your eye is, again, there's desks and there's radio equipment. It could use a woman's touch. Don't touch any of that. There's a massive map.
on the wall, like a big war room map. And you realize that it is a map of Peachyville and a map of Project Heartland. And these tunnels that you've been looking at run out and extend all the way under Peachyville itself. This facility is the size of the city.
And on this map, there are three blinking lights that denote the locations of the containment, archive, and research facilities of Project Heartland. Next to each is a portrait of the facility's directors. Two you don't recognize, but the director of the Project Heartland research facility you recognize is Tucker Trout. Husband! The mother fear me The broken sky Was to feel so ordinary
I can see Swallowing my dreams and making them scars too far too far away But I'll stay today
Thank you for listening. One month from today, we're going to be crammed into a tour bus on the Autobahn, bringing the Dungeons & Daddies live show to the UK, the Netherlands, Germany, and Belgium. Tickets still available. Besonders für die Deutschen. Find those at DungeonsAndDaddies.com slash live. Dungeons & Daddies is Matt Arnold, is Kelsey Grammer, Anthony Burch, is Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos is our DM, Beth May is Trudy Trout, and myself, Freddie Wong, is Tony Collette.
Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Maxton Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. You can support this show directly and in return receive a bounty of audio and video-based entertainment through our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Get ad-free episodes and also join a vibrant Discord community where we do live listens on release days as well as chat.
hangouts, and more, patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. There you will join stalwart supporters of independent artists like if this was a concert hall, these people's names would be carved into the bricks. People like Mallory Flanagan, Motoshioba H, Andrew Nelson, John Dragovitz, Kenzie C, Kat Parker, Colleen McGuire, Abby Kinch, Sailor Mars, Bryce Van Moyers, ECB24, Simon De, TheRealShyMay, Kiwi, S...
Taryn Van Sickle, Essek, Sinful Melody, Aaron Hope, and Cody Hainer. However, this is not a concert hall. It is an MP3 file. So consider these words the closest things we will get to Engraved Bricks, our website where you can find all of our merch, social media, links, and live show tickets at dungeonsanddags.com. We're going on tour in just under a month. Episodes will still be coming out while we're on the road. Our next episode is September 24th. We will see you then. ♪ What I can see is a hole in the stars ♪
Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away, but I'll stay today All that I can see is a hole in the stars Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far, but I'll stay today
Check one, two, recording. If Poison Ivy's at the Empire State Building, then who's on her chatterbait?
Clay ghost. If I had a dollar for every shot I rubbed at Clayface, I could own this town. Ah!
Tell me you recorded that. That's the blooper for sure, Esther. Holy shit. All right. Shit.
