S3 Ep. 8 – Thing of the Ring
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. ♪♪

Good evening. This is Dickie Bowles on behalf of the Anderson Ice Packing Corporation, purveyor of frozen goods to fine establishments all across the Midwest, welcoming you back to the Battle of the Bunker. Our illegal underground title fight this evening takes place in a vaguely sinister army bunker on the outskirts of Peachyville, Nebraska, where five-time Tri-Cities champion Dakota Johnson...

faces off against Kelsey, the Alpha, and the Omega Grammar in a three-round catchweight mixed gender fight to the finish.

Oh, oh, that sounded like a gunshot. Oh, the third and final round now getting underway. Grammar still nursing a ribs, coming out strong. The two meeting in the middle, training blows, and oh! Grammar is left standing as Johnson falls for the fifth time this fight. It's taking all his effort to stagger back up. He seems to be asking his mother if the spiders were worth it, but Grammar's right there with a huge uppercut. Johnson is down! The ref is holding Grammar back.

That's it! That's it, the fight is over! The crowd cannot believe it!

What an unexpected finish. Grammar dominating that fight from the start, and yes, it does appear that Johnson's prone body is now writhing and swerving as if containing torrents of bestial horror, which guests are now erupting out of him. I struggle to describe what I'm seeing as this massive formless shape takes hold of the referee and consumes him into its inky bomb. What a night for boxing fans here in Peachyville. This is Dickie Bowles signing off as I flee for the exit with the panicked stampeding crowd, but don't touch that dial. Up next, it's Tucker Trout's

World of Science, only on KDS! OH MY GOD, THE PLANE! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Not our honey. No, no, no. We can't make that a thing. No, not a thing. Not a thing. Shut up, Will. Yeah, Will, shut up. Shut up, Will. Hey, Will, your turn. Right now it's Freddie's show. Yeah. It's your show when we introduce you. Wait a minute. Is this the only power Freddie gets to feel these 45 seconds? Matt, you interrupted the last episode. Yeah. Shut up, Matt. Shut up, Matt. I'm sorry, guys. Everyone, shut up. Only Beth and I are sinless.

Yeah. Shut up, Anthony. This is the Peachyville Horror we're doing this season. Hey, Beth was the first one to interrupt. Shut up, Beth. That's right. I have no problem saying shut up to a woman. I'm done. This is the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. My name is Freddie Wong. I play fast-talking used car salesman Tony Punished Collette. This week's Tony fact...

When Tony gave away the car in order to secure his escape... The Ford Fiesta. The Ford Fiesta. This is something that doesn't come through in the audio medium, but I wanted to just paint a picture for those of you playing along in the theater of mind in your own minds. Tony...

made sure to stand in such a way to physically block. Like when he was like, pick any car in the lot. He like leaned against the trailer and like made sure to physically block the view from the cars. He didn't actually want to give away because you know what I mean? What's the prize pig of the lot. Ooh,

That's a good question. I feel like he has a Cadillac. He has a Cadillac that he acquired and he's just been like quietly fixing it up on the side. That's been his project car. Oh, very masculine of him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's also bad at it. He's trying to teach himself all this in a time before you could just look up how to do shit on YouTube. Imagine, imagine, right? 1950s YouTube. Can you fucking imagine guys? Dang. Imagine there's no YouTube.

Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest schoolmarm. And you know what she always says? Hey, stop it. Stop it. You can either learn it now, or you can complain about learning at home later. Jesus Christ, Blake, every day with you. Anyway, so a little fact. A little fact about... Who's Blake? Who's Blake?

Problem child. Perhaps we will run into this Blake. Another little NPC for you to... I'm writing it down. Blake. Problem kid. Problem child. Don't make him sympathetic. Were people named Blake back then? Let's find out, Beth. Yeah, you had Blake Edwards, director of the Pink Panther. Alright, so a little fact about Kelsey. We know that she is now finally writing book C. She's on the C word. She'll get there. And

Though I will say, so every day Kelsey uses lunchtime to work on her encyclopedia and Friday is her favorite day because she's still on one word of B and that's because every Friday she does extra research on burgers and she's going to have every Friday. She just takes a burger day. That entry is about four pages long. And as far as she's concerned, she still has plenty to learn about burgers. And every Friday is a burger day happening on that front. I checked and there's McDonald's. In fact, I think Peachyville had a McDonald's at that point. Oh,

It was nationwide in 1960. If you guys are very good, the podcast will visit McDonald's. Yes! Guys, be good. Will, sorry for interrupting you. As long as you don't derail the plot, maybe we'll get to McDonald's or maybe we'll just go home. I just want one black coffee and then we leave.

Anthony? Oh, it's me. It's you. I didn't realize your fact was Don. I'm sorry. Shut up, Anthony. All right. No, no, I'm sorry. Hi, it's me. Go down a lot? Yeah. Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I play Francis Farnsworth, the most bullied kid in Peachyville. Not anymore. Maybe not anymore. Maybe not once this gets out. Francis's peachy fact is that he has learned how to cry completely silently. What?

Wow. Oh, no. No noise. All stealth. Tactical stealth crying. He's the solid snake of weeping. Do you hear the hydraulics spin up? I feel like somebody should get some sympathy votes after the action of the last episode. I'm just going to say, Francis isn't special. I can do this so easily. Well, he's based off you. Oh, okay. Oh!

I think that's an honor. Here's a question. It's a fucking honor. As someone who's had a good silent cry once or twice in his life, it's not the crying that gets you, it's the sniffle afterwards. What's his sniffle strategy? He just lets that shit go right into his middle lips. Oh,

All that mucus just goes right into the cleft and just stays there until he can get his hands on a hanky. Ironically, he would actually be able to hang out with fat bros because he's learned the same sort of techniques they do for chugging, where just like your... Oh, no! Your stomach gets loose, he just lets all that stuff just go straight down without coping. Just drain it. Just drain straight down in the gutter. My goodness gracious. He's got a good college ahead of him. Save us, Bethany. Yeah, well, I can't. I have probably the worst fact ever. Hi, my name's Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout.

A robot, doting wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful children. Peachy fact about Trudy is that with the exception of shoes, she gets most of her clothes secondhand because she hates reboots. Holy shit. Ugh.

Guys, I remember a couple weeks ago. We came so far. A couple weeks ago, yeah. Beth came to me and she's like, it's so easy. I'm so happy because now I'm just going to do computer puns. I'm going to do computer puns for all my facts.

No, I love it. I love it. I just, I'm, yeah. I'm jealous of it. I wish since fucking Matt went through the five senses. Yeah. Yeah. The five senses was a bigger crime, but reboots is up there. That's my favorite type of pun where it's a pun featuring a word that no one has ever said. It's just not. It's my favorite type of pun and that it's not that. It's my favorite type of pun because to me, the best part is when nobody groans or laughs. It's just.

It's just, yeah. It's specifically, it's a pun with a little bit of gaslighting in it. Just confidence of being like reboots. That's a thing. That's what we call it. When you get an old pair of boots, they're reboots. If you can believe it, I had a worse one that I almost went with. Save that. I want that one next week. It's so bad. Next week. Next week. It's not bad, Beth. It's great. No, it's like, it's truly reprehensible. Is it Trudy Truly? Yeah. Hail and well met. I am William ****.

Campos, your daddy, your master. Yeah, it's my full name. Oh my God. William F.

Wow. You founded America. That's a name of somebody who founded America. That's a name of someone who colonized America. Bleep it out because Freddie's like, you're going to get your legal name out there and you don't want that. I'll caution my compatriots. I feel like your middle name getting found out is relatively simple. Just don't tell us the name of your first pet or the street you grew up on. Or the first car you drove. So my fact is that my first car

My daddy-o fact for you all today is this, is a little quote. Fire is popularly and quite logically held as one of the worst ways to die. It is not quick. The victim takes long seconds and even minutes to succumb as flesh, nerve, muscle, and eventually organs are charred to destruction. Those who have observed such deaths give chilling accounts of the animal-like howls of the dying. And this is from The Flamethrower by Chris McNabb. Damn, I would have guessed it was the perspective of a book from Fahrenheit 451. Yeah.

I kind of fucked me up because I just watched him from all mankind. Astronaut gets shot by a gun and this causes a spark in his suit. So when they lift up his visor, he's burning inside of his suit. And I was like, that's the worst way to go. I could imagine. So I hope there's a fire. You go, you know, to go so far.

Who knows what will happen this week? All right. You all want to enter a chilling spooky tale. Yeah, yeah. Actually, really quick, though. I forgot. I had a second Kelsey fact, which is because she's a really responsible teacher and she doesn't trust the school's infrastructure. She always carries a fire extinguisher with her. Don't buy it. I don't see it on your character sheet, Matt. Damn it. Her parents are alive and she always carries a fire extinguisher.

When last we left you all, Kelsey Grammer had just triumphantly won a boxing match and Francis Farnsworth... Dude, dominated that match. Dominated. Kelsey just beat the snot out of Dakota Johnson and Francis had just blown Shane's leg clean off. Francis did better because eventually Dakota will get back up. Shane ain't getting back up anytime soon. Dakota's not getting back up.

He exploded into a tentacle creature. Yeah, he's not okay. Yeah, so at the apex of your triumph, a horrific, amorphous black goo monster exploded from the body of Dakota Johnson and rose up and gobbled the referee up in one horrific, huge bite. And everybody started screaming and freaking out. Saw a bunch of cultists running for the exit. And we will now...

begin combat. How did we identify them as cultists again? I guess you just saw 15 guys running for the exit. You just saw a bunch of guys running for the exit that looked like they were working there. They all had the same uniform. It said like cult of Zazuba. It's Bison. How did you know Zazuba? Zazu? What's his name? Zuzel. Zazu is the bird from the lane. Okay.

First things first, Anthony, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that Britannica Blue gave you the schematics for the bunker, right? Yes. And we were told that there's a door underneath the ring. I have a present for you, sir. Will is walking across the room and handing Anthony a piece of paper. Just says you're gay on it. Will! Will! This is in the 90s. That's not funny, Will. Okay.

Okay, cool. I got a little map. It's a fun MS Paint map slash high-tech schematic of the area that you're in. You know what would have been a good consequence for his horrible actions is you should have taken a thing of ketchup and just like splatter it randomly and then see if half of his map is gone. Oh, wow. You committed, Anthony. No. He didn't do anything wrong. He's fine. I can see it a little bit from where I am, and it looks like a drawing of a basketball key or a boobie. Oh, well. That's something I can't unsee now. Wait, let me see. Let me see. Hold on. A boob? Let me see a boob.

Oh my God! Only one? When it's this big, you only need one, baby. Anthony, do you want to describe the map for our listening audience at home? Sure. So it's primarily a large circle. The top and bottom of the circle are split into two little slices, basically, that are rooms. On the bottom of the map, to the south, there's a supply closet and a locker room. To the top, there's a bathroom and another locker room. And coming out of the bathroom is a ventilation shaft.

In the very middle of the circle is a C. An areola. Yes, the areola. There is a hatch to the lower levels marked C. And then going to the left, going to nine o'clock is a long protrusion, which is a stairway that leads to a stairway door, which leads to the surface. So if we go down the... We can either try to escape through the stairway out to the surface, or we can try to get down...

which is where I think we're closer to, is the hatch. Yeah, unless the tentacle creature is like standing on top of the hatch. He is. There's also a ventilation shaft near the north bathroom that we could probably get out from. We have to go past Shane. So we don't know what's underneath the ring yet. You do not know what's underneath the ring. BB did not go there. BB left. You guys very wisely sent BB away. Gotta take care of the children. Everybody give me your dexterity scores. 25. A roll or just a number? No, give me just your score. My score is 60. 60 also. 25. Ooh, 60, 60, 25, 25. Okay.

Okay. Why are we so not dexterous? I'm a woman and you suck. Matt and Anthony, play one round of rock, paper, scissors right now. Okay. I'm going to do rock. I'm going to do paper. Okay.

Holy shit. They both did exactly what you said. So Francis will go first. We're not liars. Chelsea will go second. Trudy and Tony, same thing. Okay. I guess I'll do... I guess I'll do rock as well. Fucking idiot. I'm going to do rock. Okay. Ready? On shoot? On shoot, bitch.

You can't call a woman a bitch. Point of order. We're doing that again without the B word, please. If you are a real ally, you just give it to me, Will. You know what? Beth gets it. Beth wins. And the three of us are near the ring, but then Francis is like up in the... I'm in the stands, basically. I escaped from the bathroom into the throng of people in the stands. Just like Jason Bourne, Francis walked out of the bathroom and has merged into the crowd. Yeah, Francis is in the crowd right now.

All right, so the form of spawn is going to go first. As I said, it just swallowed whole the referee slash announcer. Now there's nobody to tell him that's illegal. Yeah, and you can kind of like see something twitching inside this thing. It looks like this guy is fighting to get out. You can hear some muffled screams. I guess, Kelsey, you're probably the one standing closest to me. I mean, yeah, I was trying to help the guy when I thought he had a medical issue.

Okay. And then I think I ended by Sam turning and running or whatever. Kelsey, get out of there. There's no longer a ref. This is an unsanctioned fight. Oh, no. Again, this thing, it's this pulsating blob and then tendrils will kind of shift and morph out of it depending on what it's trying to do at any given time. Just like Venom, dude? Venom?

Bit of a symbiote going on. So this thing reaches a big old tentacle and it's just going to try to smack you out of the way. Okay. Oh, good. It senses a threat near it, essentially. Oh, yeah. I am a threat. It gobbled up the memories of Dakota Johnson and remembered what you did to it. So it's going to try to just stun you a little bit right now. And we're on like a raised ring, right? Yes. If I want to pull off the Kelsey's signature of diving off the stage and then rolling underneath the stage like I did the house, is that just going to be a dodge? That's the move.

That's the move. We'll call that two moves. One to dive off of the stage. That'll be your dodge. Okay. And then on your turn, you can make them. I roll underneath those. Yeah. Now, since the bell hasn't rung for the end of the fight,

Do I still technically have the two advantages I have? That was for the fight. But I got the fight. Absolutely not. He's still in the ring. Fight's over. Fight's over. But he's been trained. No, no, no. You were crowned the winner of the fight, Matthew. I didn't hear the bell. I didn't hear the bell. There's no, hold on, point of order. There's no bell at the end of the fight after the guy got knocked out, Matt. But I just feel like the adrenaline is. I just feel like. Ding, the bell went. Ding.

I just feel like the adrenaline I got for the advantage. The guy running away hits a bell on the way out. No, this is scary. This is why you don't get advantage. Everybody give me a sanity roll for seeing this horrible fucked up thing. Fair enough. That makes sense. I don't know. I've seen some pretty crazy shit today. 20 out of 40. I'm fine. I'll pass as well.

- Trace and I got shut down because Beth was looking at penises from cats and ducks last episode. So let me reconnect. - 99 out of 70. This is some freaky shit. - Man, you got high sanity. - Turns out getting it chipped out by the horrors of World War II didn't have to happen to him because he was here. - Yeah. - Trudy says, "Tony,

Think of all the other things you've seen that are more horrible than this and don't worry about this. Don't you understand? Oh, you weren't here for this. A 35 for 40, so pass the sanity check. Everyone who did pass, you take one sanity point of damage. Okay, Freddy, give me a 1d10. Five. Damn. Okay.

Give me an intelligence roll. You want to fail this because it is better for you to not understand what you are seeing than to see it. 53 out of 65. I did good. Okay. So you took five Sandy. How much Sandy do you have now? I have 70, but do I take five Sandy? All right, so Freddie, you are now temporarily insane for 1D10 hours. Can you give me an entice roll of 1D10? Natural 10. What?

You know what? That feels fitting. You had a lot go on in the past few hours. I feel like I finally snapped. Man, I haven't even needed to. It's like you're just unlucky on your own. You truly got cursed. Okay, all right. Upshot, first instance of mythos-related insanity. You get five points to your Cthulhu mythos score. Who the fuck is that? It means you can learn spells at some point. Yo, I can become a caster, dude!

I hate to break it to you, but you're insane. There's a monster and all three of us are panicked. You are not going to live through this. Imagine the Gandalf moment when Tony comes back 17 years later. I like the thing that there's form. What is it called? A formless. Formless spawn. Formless spawn. I feel like I looked at you and like said, like, you're, you're a cat. And like, you're fucking intelligent. Just napping. Insane. This is how insanity works. If you rolled really bad one, you could have gone indefinitely insane, which you did not do. Regardless, there are two rounds of this.

In phase one, you're going to have a bout of madness. Character loses all self-control. Keeper may take control of the character or dictate actions to the player. Okay. So during this initial bout, give me another D10 and we're going to see how long this bout of temporary insanity. You got a natural 10, I thought. No, that was on how long he's going to be overall insane. Oh.

10 hours. But his initial bout of madness, this is all very ableist and fucked up. I'm sorry. This is just how this is. This is like, Matt, you can be high for a long time, but it's when you first hit that. Yeah. This is like, this is when you're spiraling. Yeah. You can be high, but if you're high right now, you're going to be high forever. If you're listening, that's right. Listener. And you're high. You're high, right? Forever. Hey, Hey, Hey, Frank, you're going to be high forever. Hey, Frank,

Everyone knows it too, dude. You're going to die high laughing at you, Frank. Do they were legally liable if there was a man named Frank who was high that hurt himself if we said that? I don't

I don't think so. Frank, you can fly. Okay, so Freddie, I've decided as the all-wise and all-knowing daddy-o-master, and you role-play this however you want, but knowing that Tony Collette is deep down a coward for the next two rounds, you are running for the stairs. Or you are pushing yourself, because you're in your wheelchair, right? Yeah, yeah. So you are taking off for the stairs. Okay. And that's how we will do that, and then we will come back to you in two rounds for the ongoing role-play effects of all of this. Okay, cool. For the next ten hours. But

Buckle up, listener. Oh, also, if you suffer even another single point of sanity to loss during that phase, it will result in another immediate bout of madness. Oh, okay. Okay, so right now you're just running for the exit. So just be cool. Everyone, be cool. You guys mind if I play like this from now on? That's fine.

that's fine with binoculars matt has found my binoculars and is using them now it's a haunting vision he's just sitting here in the corner of the room just looking at everyone with the binocular matt jesus is like looking at that bug-eyed guy from the fucking del toro movie matt what are your thoughts here um it just feels like i'm closer to all of you it's nice that's usually so far what oh excuse i can actually see what the face beth

Beth is making. Maybe you just need a stronger prescription. Like, you could split the difference here. I don't think you need this. And you have nice skin. All right. I don't think Matt should have these binoculars anymore. So Tony screams. Wee!

And just starts frantically wheeling his wheelchair towards the exit, which is also where the rest of the crowd is starting to go. What does Fred Dale do? Kill him. Oh, yeah, we should give Fred Dale a sanity roll. That's a good point. He also failed his sanity roll. So he's going to take 1d10 of sanity and got a two. So he's fine. He just sees you and he's like, you're his boss. So he sees that you're trying to go away. So he's just going to grab your wheelchair and help you run out the door.

So the two of you are going that way. Okay, cool. So there's a stampede for the exit and there's just a big bum rush for the door right now. The formless spawn is now going to go, as I said, and he's going to take a swing at Matt or at Kelsey rather. And then you can choose. I'm trying to dodge. You're going to try to dodge it. Give me a dodge roll.

32. And my dodge is 32. So you got a success. Just barely. Just barely. Right on the nose, baby. Tie goes to the roller. My dex is 60, so I don't know why my half dex is 32, but... You probably put some points in it as a bonus. Oh, I guess that would make sense. He got a normal success as well. And in that case with a dodge, you win. Okay. This thing sweeps like a reaper's scythe, this big...

flailing thick tentacle that just oozing blackness and just straight at your head. How do you dodge out? I feel like I was just running and I slipped on some of the like viscous fluid on the floor and the thing missed, like just went over my head and then taking that chance. I just like quickly scramble and roll off the stage.

Okay, so you splat a couple feet down onto the ground, which again, you see everybody frantically scrambling out of the way. From down there, you also see Dakota Johnson's fight team, which was Dr. Mann and Dakota Fanning, and I think two other guys all ducking under the curtain.

of this. So they're also, they're underneath. They're making a break for the door as well. Okay. They're like not hiding under there. They seem like they're going towards the center of the ring. They're making their move for under the ring. And then since I probably like turned around and ran back, like, am I running towards where Trudy and yes, you're running. If you want to, because Tony Collette's running away. What's Trudy? Trudy's on the platform where the boxing match was held, but I think she's going to try to sneak under the ring. Okay. So you're going where I am. Okay.

after the formula spawn, the cultists go. So yes, on their move, you see four of these guys duck under the curtain, the skirt of the boxing ring, way off at the stairs leading out of the bunker. You see another group of cultists slipping out the door and slamming it shut behind them. What I know as the one exit, more or less, other than under the ring.

Okay. Francis, it is now your turn. Would it be possible to shoot and move on my turn? I believe so. You need to start shooting this formless thing. He's in a safe position as he will ever be. And he's on a platform raised up above everybody. And I'm beneath him. So my shot is only going to go up, which means it lowers the chances of hitting somebody innocent. Francis is just living every single Call of Duty player's dream. Just shooting their bully and then shoot a big monster. Save a couple of women.

Normally, if you're shooting before you move, you get a plus 50 to dex for using a readied firearm. Like if you've like taken aim. Are you moving and then shooting? Are you moving while shooting? My thought is to shoot at a distance and then move up. All right. Give me a firearms roll. And again, I think you still have two of your little advantage. Okay. So yeah, give me a firearms roll with an advantage dice.

I got an eight out of 25. Okay, great. That training paying off, dog. You hear a deafening boom as another blast from this car 98 rips through the air. Oh, before that happened, I went down. So other people around me knew to get down. Oh, that's right. Actually...

Shit. All right, well, I'll give it to you. I should have been factoring that there's a bunch of people running around you and one of them might've gotten shot because you're aiming up, but you did a really good shot. So, okay. So yes, the bullet sails through the air. People dive out of your way. They're barely listening to you as they're screaming and scrambling for the exit. And you see the bullet sink straight into this formless spawn and it appears to do absolutely nothing. Oh, I don't roll damage? You can roll damage if you want.

Okay, I got 11 damage. Okay, it does nothing. All right, great. Basically, you just see the bullet hit this thing, and then it just sinks into the black goo that makes up its heaving, writhing mass. Cool. I just saw Kelsey try to go under the ring, and I feel like I got to protect Kelsey, so I'm going to go under the ring. Ooh, so you're going against the flow of traffic. What's your move score? 8.

We'll say this round you can get to Kelsey, but you cannot get under the skirt of the thing yet. Okay. So Francis has just run up to you. Okay. So you're at me? Yeah. Oh, okay. Give me a spot hidden check. Damn, I'm too good at spot hidden. I'm going to see 39. Yes, I pass. Okay. So I'm going back to Dexter in my brain when Dexter is doing that blood spatter analysis and he's

Dexter's sitting in that white room with a weird mannequin full of blood, and he shoots the mannequin in the back of the knee, and a bunch of blood explodes. Would there be blood on Dexter? I think it's realistic to think that there is blood, and you picked him up by the scruff. Oh, yes, yes. There would be blood on my legs. Yeah, his legs are covered in blood. Oh, my God. Francis, are you okay? Are you hurt? There's blood all over you. Yeah, you should...

You should see the other guy. What? Okay. Okay. Trudy. Trudy. I'm going to look at my Trudy. Goddamn. I'm just going to fucking leave you. You don't care about me. Fred Dale is pushing Tony with the rest of the stampede. We're going to get you out of here, Mr. Collette. And I see that they're going to close the door. They've just slammed the door. Okay. Okay. Can I. Where I'm going? Yes. Can I use my move? Can I use my move to pull Trudy down? I want to pull her off the stage.

She says she's standing up on the ring or the platform. The cut man wouldn't be like on the platform, right? The cut man would be like, I think at the end of the fight. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. She's up there. You can, as your action, do it basically a non resisted maneuver to bring her down. That's what I want to do. I want to like grab her by the mat Arnold to pick up the other characters and move them where you want. She won't be eaten by this thing. That doesn't take comment. So yes, I'm going to go Trudy down and I'm going to like pull your feet to like bring you down.

uh robot how much you weigh yeah i was actually about to say this entire time she goes on a scale she's like 500 pounds that's a lot uh do you feel like trudy is like 500 pounds do you feel like she's like super heavy or does that not make any sense it doesn't make any sense just describe you picking up trudy and i think i'm literally just like grabbing her by the legs and like

sliding her like I'm like pulling the legs up or anything just five years down. You've seen it in a tag team match. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just like the guys on the other side they pull and they take the legs out. She might hurt her butt but I think it's worth it. Oh my butt. It's worth it to not get fucking swiped by this like creature. So you've yoinked her off the stage. Close the door. There's no exit. We gotta get the hatch. I saw there's cultists or somebody went down there. Let's go. Before you do that I have one more favor to ask you. Oh okay. What do you think is the most important part of learning to read?

Oh, Trudy. Okay. Well, sure. Let's talk about this. The most important part about learning to read. Yes. Well, reading is a window to the entire world. Like even if you're just stuck in a small. Even worlds I can't understand or conceive of. Yeah. And you can't possibly know everything. So like if you know something that you want to share with other people, the best way to do that is write it down. So like, do, do, do.

Why are you asking me this? We gotta go. How about reading the fucking room? I'm gonna move towards the hatch. Okay, so you're gonna go under the curtain? Yes. All right, as you go under the curtain, you see the last of the cultists slipping down a set of stairs, and he locks eyes. It's Dr. Man, he locks eyes with you, and then he slams the latch shut. Okay. Trudy, it's now your turn. Okay, Trudy takes out the book that Mothman gave her. Mm-hmm. Let's fucking go. And opens it, and is like, so...

Would I sound out these words or are they not words? Or should I just piece them together letter by letter? Okay, so as you open the book, you realize that it's hollowed out in the middle. You know, like a naughty boy hiding his secret stash. It's kind of carved out in the middle. No kid has done that, though.

though. I mean, maybe I did that. Yeah. You carved a book out the shit. Yeah. I put my Game Boy Advance in there. Wait, what? That's dope as fuck. Yeah. Wait, what did you do? I think I told Sophie I put my Game Boy Advance in my Latin book. I had an extra Latin textbook. I carved it out. We put the Game Boy Advance in there. Well, you like strip took a knife and

carved out. That's sick. And then we passed the Game Boy Advance around during line class and played Advance Wars. So we'd take a turn and then pass the book and then take a turn and pass the book. Holy shit. And then a fucking shitty kid who we didn't let play, to be fair, raised his hand and told us, he was like, excuse me, I think Matt and his friends are playing video games in the book. What a shithead. The moment he raised his hand, I knew what he was doing, so I switched out my textbook with my other textbook. And then my teacher was like, okay, Matt, come up, show me the book. And I played it like, oh man, you caught me. And I was like...

And I looked at the guy and I was like, thanks, Alex, and whatnot. And then she opened the book and it was just a normal textbook. She's like, Alex, what are you talking about? What are you doing? And I was like, you motherfucker trying to fucking knock on us because we're playing Game Boy Advance? Asshole.

So basically, so yes, this is this old leather bound tome and it's covered in these strange arcane runes. I mean, you would know they were magic runes if you knew how to read, but you don't. So all words are strange arcane runes to you. And then the pages themselves all seem to be scribbles of these weird glyphs and stuff like that as well until you get to this hollowed out part in the middle and a deck of cards falls out of this thing.

written in curse well you don't know what there's something written on the front of it as well but there's an old deck of cards and there seems to be a sort of poem or something written on it so trudy can't read i have a proposal for you yes could i roll like a cult and see if i could access the original trudy's knowledge i love that what's your um edu skill 65 yeah okay um

All right. From now on, the next time someone makes that roll, everyone has to do a sanity roll. Oh, no. Hey! Hey! Next time we do the edgy, I hardly know you joke, we're doing a sanity roll. We'll call it a hard education roll. And if you fail, there might be a sanity roll. Okay. Okay, I got a 12. Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, this is great. All right. Describe to me the memory you see of the original Trudy Trout that reminds you that you know how to read. True.

Fruity Trout is 10 years old in school. It's like three days after Trudy has been introduced to the concept of reading. She sees the word F-I-

S-H on the whiteboard and everybody's trying to sound it out, but the S-H sound is kind of tricky for everybody, but it clicks in her head. Trout, fish, fish. And she raises her hand and she says fish. And she loves reading and she loves just like connecting to a word and immediately having that knowledge and that wonder. And then she flashes back to robot current Trudy and she looks at the deck of cards.

So you see on the deck of cards a poem written in a sort of old cursive-y hand. And it says, Oh, okay.

Um, Kelsey. Yeah. So this is a book. I know that. I know that, obviously. And that's a deck of cards. Yes. And based on my I'm learning about cards now, and that doesn't look like a normal deck of cards. It's a magic deck, maybe. And so all we have to do is think of a question that will maybe the answer will be how to defeat this little blob, this big blob guy. And then all we have to do is ask three questions and maybe it will tell us.

Well, that's a good question. Just ask how you defeat it then. Quick. Both of you can tell that there is a sort of dark and malign aura to this deck of cards. It's giving you the same vibe that you were able to stifle down when you saw this horrible void shape thriving around. Like there's something cursed and unknowable about this deck.

this deck. You feel like the more cards you draw from this thing, the worse and worse effect on your sanity. Are there many things involved with this deck? There are. So it's got the vibe of like, if I asked to like how to get world peace, it would say kill everybody. Like it's got that sort of dark vibes. No, it has the vibe of like, it feels like if you drew one card, you may have to do a 1d4 sanity.

And it feels like the second one might be a harder standard to check with more damage. So if Trudy asks a question, like each card pulled gives you more information? Yes, it's going to give you information about the situation that you currently find yourself in. And you don't even have three questions, just one question. Yeah, you can stop if you want to, but it'll only give you up to three. Each of you can draw one card per turn.

round. Just a quick joke for Anthony. Anthony, it's like the hint system in The Seventh Guest. Fuck yeah it is. Fuck yeah it is, bro!

My bro always got me. My bro, bro. Not everybody got me, but my bro always got me. Seventh guest ass in system, dog. I say we go for this because we find ourselves in a very dire situation. Ask a question. How do we get out of here safely? Maybe. Oh, don't do the maybe. Oh, okay.

How do we get out of here safely and promptly? And certainly. Yes. And I draw a card. Give me a sanity roll. First things first. And I don't need to take one. It's just her because she's asking questions. I pass. You pass. Okay, great. You pull this card out and it looks blank and then two words form on it. And it says salvation below. Salvation? It says get good. It also says you're gay. That's weird. Okay.

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Now we're moving on to Tony, who is in his first, we'll call it your second round. I'll be nice to you. We'll call this your second round of mad flight. You've reached basically this crush up the stairs. You're about halfway through this panicked mob. Well, no, actually. So here's the thing, though. I think I would have gotten to the stairs and no further because my legs are all jacked. Remember, Fred Dale is pushing you. Yeah, but he ain't pushing me upstairs. Fred Dale gets down in front of you and says, Mr. Cliff.

you want me to carry you up the stairs? Should we go up the stairs? We're trying to escape, right? There's a bunch of people up the stairs in front of you that are slammed up against the door. And there's like, there's another crowd rushing towards you. Okay. So Tony here in his temporary insanity and his cat like reflexes.

Knows that as a cat, you don't ever want to be trapped. This is my cat all the time. Always looking for the exits, dude. My cat, real Jason Bourne. Your cat is literally asleep. On my computer, chilling. She deserves it, Beth.

But when women rest, when she's skittish, she's always looking for the exits. Right. So I think that like instinctually, I would understand if Tony with his cat, like sort of, you know, past would feel the ongoing rush of people coming from behind and like, look for a sideway, like not go towards the big crowd. Right. That feels like that's scary in both. Okay. Here's what we'll do. I like that. Yeah. I'll let you run away from this crush, you know, because I like that. But you will gain a phobia, which is claustrophobia.

Okay, that makes sense. Which will play with your character going forward. Yeah, I did that. Is that you're claustrophobic. So in this moment, like, your fear of running up the stair, you're still trying to get the hell out of here, but your claustrophobia overrides your desire to get up these stairs. Yeah, so I'm going to squirt off to the side. Okay, are you... What a wonderful choice of words. So Fred is still holding the wheelchair. So what are you going to do? I'm going to go... And then, like...

Is this like, this is your temporary insanity? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is very good. What? What? What? And I'm like looking and pointing and gesturing towards either to the left or the right. Let's roll a coin. Left one to the right. Oh, okay. So you're pointing towards the bathroom.

Okay, yeah. All right, so Fred is going to just basically turn you around and wheel you towards the bathroom. Like a Tron light cycle taking a turn on a dime. Yep. And we will say you're going to use your full movement with Fred and you make it to the door of the bathroom. Can we say that while you're in this repressed cat state, you're also remembering all the training from your two assassin dads and you're going, like, born identity. Like, how do I know this? How do I know where all the exits are? Yeah.

Sure. Okay. In which case, I'd like to know where the exits are. The stairs. There's the stairs, but wasn't there like a hatch? Yeah, underneath the green. Yeah, but you didn't see the ventilation thing. The ventilation thing. Your assassino dads would have told you. Whenever air can come out, it means you can go in. Look for where air comes out. That means the body can go in. That's what I tell you. Okay. All right. Thanks, dad. Give me a no roll as well.

Five, a brilliant success. Okay, so not only do you- An empowering success. Not only do you and your sort of mad fancy remember your assassino father telling you about climbing through air ducts. My assassino paisano. Your assassino paisano. You also are able to logically deduce that it would make sense for someone to put a bathroom by a ventilation shaft so that stinky fart smell can go out.

So you begin to suspect that there's probably a ventilation shaft in the bathroom. So I think we bust into the bathroom, right? You're at the bathroom door. We'll say that. Okay. All right, we're back at the top of the order. The formless spawn reacting from this bullet sort of turns its eyes, trying to look for who shot it. And then it also sort of writhes and shudders and...

and it vomits up the reprobate. And this guy's corpse looks like it's 100 years old. It's just desiccated and withered. It's like something was trying to just merge with this thing, and it couldn't do it or rejected it for some reason. And so you basically just see this human being that looks like beef jerky covered in black goo. Hell yeah.

It's the formalist being that makes you old. And you hear an unearthly growl somewhere between rage and frustration as it starts swishing around like it's trying to find something. Three tentacles shoot out of it all at once.

It's scanning about the room and it's going to one by one grab people. So the first person it sees is Reggie Regular Pine, the Chipper Cherry School Spirit mascot teen of PGVille High School, who is panicking and really sad that his dad isn't proud of him. And the monster is just going to shoot out a tentacle and try to wrap itself around him. And he rolled a 21. So, yes, like a boa constrictor, it basically twists around him and raises him into the air.

Trudy, what do you think's going on up there? I imagine, and this is just... I imagine that everything is coming to an end worldwide. And we have reached absolutely the end of Peachyville and it's up to us to save it. And so I don't think there's...

think things are going very well up there okay it also rolled a 35 which means it's also grabbed spooky middleton beatnik seeker of darkness is also caught and writhing in this tentacle as this thing's bringing two people closer towards it and you're seeing tendrils kind of like grope around and feel on the faces of these screaming teenagers and then the monster seems dissatisfied with them and throws them across the room and it sort of sense seems to turn you see it like

pulsing almost like it's sniffing the air and then it locks in on francis and francis it's gonna make a grab for you of course it is it sees the blood on your legs and this smoking rifle in your hands it's something you get the sense that somehow you intrigue it like somehow it recognizes drawn to you it recognizes you for the alpha that you are my man it is going to try to grab you we'll call this a maneuver what is your build size my build size is zero

Are you going to try to dodge, fight back, or maneuver away from this thing? So what is the difference between dodging and maneuvering away? Maneuver would be like he tries to grab you and you try to grab it. It's so much bigger than you that that's not going to be possible. I'm just going to dodge then. Okay, so you're going to go for a dodge. Give me a dodge roll. No. No.

All right. So it got a regular success. So it basically grabs you and raises you into the air. And in one turn, it is probably going to try to swallow you. Okay. Now it's the cultists' turn. As we said, four of the cultists have disappeared down this shaft and slammed this door shut behind them up at the top of the stairs. Again, there's this crush of people slamming against the door.

screaming, pounding, begging to get out. You hear a slot in the door slide open. You know how some big heavy doors have an open little window latch on it? This portal opens, and the barrel of a flamethrower sticks into the door. Face-to-face with this massive crush of people, and there is just this roar as a massive jet of flame just sprays directly down onto this huge crowd. Just burning out everybody that's trying to leave? Yeah. And you hear just...

A thousand screams. The smell of charred flesh. Everybody give me another sanity roll. See, that's what I was talking about. You hear the most horrible thing you've ever heard in your life. Wow, Mr. Collette, you really knew where to go. I got a one. Oh, wow. I got a 17. I failed my sanity. I got 58. Freddie? Tony Collette, 56. No problem. Kelsey, give me a 1d6. I don't have a d6. I'm just going to roll until I get a 1 through 6 on my d10. I got a four. All right, so you take four points of sanity. Okay. Yeah.

As this jet of flame comes streaking down the main stairwell, you hear screaming. The first four rows of people are just basically incinerated. And then you're also now starting to see flaming people just doused in fire, climbing over each other, trying to get back down.

down and in a round or two this fire is probably gonna be spreading through the room okay so we're now at the top of your turn order Francis it's your turn what would you like to do okay well what are my options it's holding me the tentacle presumably is made of the same shit as the rest of the things and it's also like I can get my gun out it's like Francis Francis like venom like venom can you bite it could I that seems like a bad idea like so many options well I still got my ice cream scoop so firstly I'm gonna scream it's got

It's got me. Can you hold turns if we're the same initiative? You can hold your turn. I'll let you hold your turn if you want. Okay, well, I'll say that and then hold my turn. Okay. That way then I can go, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, so yes, it's your turn. Maybe it's like two characters dying at once. And you hear Francis screaming above you. I imagine I saw like his feet again since it was all like tight, like...

Yeah, you know, true. And underneath Francis was right there. I was waiting for him to go underneath the stairs. Then we start talking about reading. And then Francis got, you guys got to focus down there. I see Francis' feet get shot up in the sky. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to use my move to move out. Okay. I'm going to ignore the crisping people to the left of me. I'm going to look up and see that indeed Francis is held by this creature.

How high is he being held? Can I leap and grab like his feet? If you use your move action and give me a Dex roll to jump up and grab him. Yes, you can grab his feet. I'm going to like climb the ropes and do a fucking like. Give me an intelligence roll real quick.

I failed. I got 75 out of 70. Okay, never mind. Oh, is that good? Because it was, it was bad. It's fine. I don't want to do what I'm doing anymore. Okay. What am I rolling for the move for the maneuver? Give me a dexterity roll for the jump.

Okay, that I passed with flying colors. I got a 16 out of 60. Okay, so great. We'll say that you are now hanging onto his legs. Francis, on your turn, I will give you advantage on a skill roll of your choice to try to wriggle out of his thing. For a 16 out of 60, and depending, since I said I climbed the ropes...

Can I do like, I like leaped out and like, I'm trying to keep my feet like on the ropes. Sure. Yeah. You can be trying to catch the ropes. You've wrapped your foot around the rope. Okay, great. I'm like stretched between the rope and holding Francis. Yes. That'll make it a little easier because he's got more resistance trying to. And then hopefully maybe Trudy can like grab my legs or something. Okay.

It's Francis's turn if he wants. He does. Okay, go for it. So can I just do like a straight dexterity check? Because I feel like I'm just wriggling. Like I'm trying to. Yeah, let's do a dexterity check. This thing's got you pretty tight. We'll call it a hard dexterity check, but we will say that you've got an advantage dice. If Trudy grabs my legs, would it be even better for Francis? It would be, but. So I got a 33. So I'm going to spend three luck points to make it a 30, which is a success for my hard check.

Okay, great. So yes, you wriggle out of this thing and you both go slamming onto the ground. Cool. And it roars in eldritch rage at having its Corey slip through its fingers. So it is pissed. My name's not Corey. Okay, so now Trudy, it is your turn. Trudy beckons Francis and Kelsey back under the skirt of the boxing ring.

Quick question. Yes. At my old boxing gym, the space under the ring was used for storage. Is there stuff under there? I love that. Yes, there is. What do you want under there? Another flamethrower. Another flamethrower. There is not. There would be boxing stuff. Boxing stuff. What would have been under the gym? We had extra rope.

We had headgear and then like bags, heavy bags. And if they ever did professional wrestling in this bunker, there would also be steel chairs and a bunch of tacks. Yeah, razors for blading yourself. Baseball bats with barbed wire around them. All right, there's no baseball bats with barbed wire, but I will let you have whatever you feel like would be reasonably under a boxing ring. Rope sounds useful. I'll throw that out there. Yeah, I was about to say it was boring, but can you just like pull us? Pull me by my feet like down?

Yeah. Well, you guys have fallen onto the ground. Oh, we fell backwards? Yeah, you wriggled out. It's great if you're going to make it easy for us. I was thinking since I was attached on the rope when he wiggled out, we just fell flat down onto the ring. Like, my feet, like, almost at the edge of the ring and Francis is in the middle of the ring. Like, we're like a snake. Oh, sure. That's fine. Yeah, that's better. Okay, great. Yeah, you guys are on top of the ring. Make it hard for yourselves. That's fine. Sorry. Thanks, Matt. Sorry. Great job, Matt. Teacher, you forgot to give us homework.

Trudy, give me an intelligence roll. I saved you, Anthony. Imagine how much tragic it's going to be when you kill me. I pass. Okay, so you realize and maybe even feel that the deck of cards could give you a hint about how to fight this monster. Okay. If you are willing to pay the price. I'm absolutely willing to pay the price. I'm

wondering if Trudy would just let her friends be on the mat like that, though. I'll say you can either use a move action plus an action to drag Kelsey off the ring and Francis towards the edge of the ring, or you can read the book. I think that Trudy... Help! ...so enamored by her reconnection with the written word...

It's just like, oh, well, let's see. They'll probably be fine. I just need to know the next thing. So I pull out a card. Give me a sanity roll. This is going to be a hard sanity roll. All right. Ooh, I pass. Wow, I'm rolling so good. Sick. Okay, in that case, you draw a card and three more words appear on this card. The Beast of Flame. And then you see like a spooky drawing of like a crazy ogre monster on fire. So it either wants flames or...

So there's going to be a change coming for you, either negative or positive. LAUGHTER

Oh, shit. But I also grab rope and I have rope. Yeah, you've got the rope. Yes, I'll give you the rope. Sorry, Anthony. I didn't want us to fall outside the ring because I thought Beth was going to grab us and pull us. Yeah. Yeah, that's kind of where, you know, the actor and the character kind of diverge. You put our lives in Beth's hands. Yeah. The one who played Ron. You know, yeah. It's just two roads. I respect that. I respect that. Yeah. Okay, so Freddie. Yeah.

I think Fred Dale gets the can get me get inside this bathroom. All right. So you guys burst into the bathroom. You now have control over your character again, although you are in a jumpy state. Okay. And you are suffering the adverse effects of claustrophobia. Is this the same bathroom that the. Yes, it is. There's only one bathroom. So yes, it's a, you know, forward thinking gender neutral bathroom. Anyone can piss in here. It doesn't matter. Okay.

As you burst in the door, Fred Dale is going to take a dexterity throw. Okay, so he does not eat shit on the huge pool of blood on the ground. I like the thing that he slides a distance with me. Like, you ever get a shopping cart and you just get it going and then you like coast?

Yes, you guys coast into the room in like a sort of Tom Cruise in that one movie. Risky business. Risky business kind of way. So you are now in the bathroom. And is there anyone here? You see that this pool of blood drags off towards a bathroom stall. Oh. Alright, well, I'm not bothered by that. I won't look for any exits. On the far wall, you see a

a grate about the size of like this AC shaft up here. Like you could just wriggle through it. For the audience, that's about two and a half feet by three feet. Just so you get it. It's about like a little larger than a PS5 size hole in the wall. Yeah. Okay. Except this vent has more games.

Damn, dude. Oh, shit, dude. Going for Sony, dude. My boss. My former boss. Dude, you think the president of Sony felt that? He woke up staring across the bay and was like, hmm.

I'm too busy laying off everybody at Bungie. We'll say Fred has used his move to get you guys into the room, but you can use your move and the two of you together can get to this thing if you would like to. Yeah, I think the move here is going to be to frantically point at him and then like, you know, try and rip the grave. You can talk like a normal person again, by the way. So yes, he wheels you over to this vent in the wall. Give me a strength check to rip it off the wall.

44 out of 70, a regular success. Is that where you want to go, Mr. Collette? What's that, boy? Little Timmy fell down the well? And I ripped the grate open. Okay, so good news. You ripped this grate open. If you stick your head inside, you see a long, narrow shaft that seems to jut up towards the night sky above you, or short ways above you, and a little grate on top of it. And then you see, like, another, like,

All of this is meaningless because I stick my head in there and then immediately pull my head out and go, ugh! Exactly what I was going to say. That's the good news is you found an exit. The bad news is you're terrified of cramped spaces. But hold on, there are rules for your phobias? You're a policeman. You're a policeman. There are rules for policemen. For phobias, actions other than fighting or fleeing may only be made with one penalty die. So basically, anything you're going to try to do in this narrow shaft, you're going to have a penalty die. You have to fight the phobia for it. Yeah.

it. You have to fight the fear. I also remember, I remind you that your legs are broken. There's another, another humdinger here. No, this is not an exit. I mean, it is in theory. You could go up or down. Yeah. But like, I just think realistically me dragging my whole ass in there, my legs are in a cast.

You know? Give me a spot. I actually feel like a vent would be a great place to escape if your legs were in a cast. Yeah, you can just pull. Yeah, but like, bro, I'm not even claustrophobic and even the thought of going into this already, I'm a little bit. Freddie Wong is a little bit like, ugh, I didn't want to be there. You know what? I'll give it to you. There is a fire hose on the wall. Oh, okay. It's like one of those emergency fire hoses that you could wheel out is what this thing has. It could also maybe be used as a rope if you wanted to use it as a rope to, I don't know, safely descend somewhere. Just putting that out there.

Oh! I'm going to unfurl this rope. Nice. This fire thing and shove it down the vent shaft. Okay. And then point solemnly at Fred Dale to have him go first and go down. Oh, you want him to go first? Yeah. Okay, great. That's very generous of you. I'm too scaled. So Fred Dale's going to take a look at them. Oh!

about this, Mr. Collette? It looks pretty freaky. Give me a role to convince him. Use whatever skill you want. Hold on. So you're saying that I can talk now, right? Yes, you can talk. But, but, but in deference to my character, give me a second to calibrate this. Tony Collette. I want to close up a best face when Freddy does whatever he's about to do. Matt is putting on the binoculars. Tony Collette goes, Tony saw some people go down under there. Woo woo.

That's what you made us wait for? I'm trying to combine cat boy voice with collect. I couldn't even see best reaction because she hit her face so quickly from shame of what you just did. What do you mean you saw some people go down under there? There was a secret entrance down here.

Quickly, Fred! I like how this started with Fred saying, it's deference to my character. Let me really think about this. You have to get down there. Give me a persuasion. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Tony does the thing where he does two finger guns and he points them inwards and touches the tips of his index fingers together. Give me a disadvantage. I want him to die. Penalty die? You're about to roll and then you added, you made it worse.

I don't like you guys. Persuade. I don't have very good persuade anyway. So 96. No, it didn't work. Okay. 96. He looks at you like, oh, I've lost all ability to trust you. You're on your own, man. And he runs out of the room. Oh, he's good. You're fired for it.

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After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan. So we're back at the top of the turn order, which means it's time for the formless spawn to make its move. Could it hold its turn until it's our turn? It sure isn't going to do that. And it's even more pissed and more determined than ever to have another snack. Francis, it's going to make another move to grab you once again. Cool. Maybe.

what are you gonna dodge what's your plan dodge as it is looking down at you it starts to writhe around a little bit more kind of desperately and you see it spasm and shudder and you see like one of its um tentacles starts to like twitch really quickly and almost against its will start to shrink and writhe back into its body like it's losing some sort of control over itself it's okay guys his tentacle is writhing yeah i fucked up real bad okay um it is gonna pick you up again it got a very good roll on

on its head. So it snatches Francis back up. I'm still holding him by his feet. Okay, so you're still holding onto its feet, which means you are now both rising into the air again. Actually, you know what? It's annoyed by you, Matt. It's going to make an... It gets two attacks? Yeah, it gets two attacks. It absolutely gets two attacks. It's going to just try to swat you away. You're like a little turd clinging onto its sandwich here. So it's going to make an attack roll against you. My goal is just that I just want to hang on. So what do I roll?

Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, I don't care. I'm just going to take the hit. You're just going to take the hit. So you're... I'm not dodging anything. I'm just not going to let go of Francis. What's your HP, Matt? My HP is 12. This thing hits like a Mac fucking truck. I mean, is my other option to dodge it? If you let go... Okay. You'll get to dodge it without a penalty dice. If you continue to hold on to Francis, you will get a penalty dice to your dodge.

I mean, Kelsey wouldn't let go of Francis, so you tell me what I do. He's just going to hit you. Yeah. My goal is to not let go of Francis. It's going to do the damage that it does, I guess. I love you, Kelsey. He's going to do 2d6. Don't worry, I'm not going to let go. So that's six damage. Okay. Plus another 2d6 is its damage bonus. So another two. So it does eight damage to you. Damn. That's a hit. Which is a major wound. Okay. So give me a constitution roll to see if you fall unconscious. Okay.

I pass. I got a 46 out of 60. So it basically just swipes at you with all its might with another one of its tendrils and just smacks you like a pinata. That's my student. Yes. You eat this monster hit from this guy and you basically fly up like almost eye level with Francis. Okay. So now the two of you are now for a split second making eye contact with him. And now you're swinging around basically on the bottom of his legs. Okay. And which now means Francis, you still have another advantage dexterity role. If you want to slip out of him, I'll just dodge again.

I succeeded. Okay, great. You guys crash out of this thing's grip once more. So you guys are both slammed onto the ground. And so Francis, you now have a move action. I'm going to try to pull Kelsey as best I can under the ring apron. That's what I was going to do on my move too. I feel like the two of us like,

Almost like, all right. Yeah. You guys just, we'll give you a combined move here. What are you guys trying to do? I'm doing like the reverse wheelbarrow type thing. Like I'm literally still holding your feet and I just started sprinting. I like run and then like dive through the ropes and drop the floor and start trying to roll underneath. Fantastic. You guys are all now underneath the skirt of the ring. This thing is above you. You can hear the wood creaking and straining and it knows that you've gone under there. So it's probably going to do something nasty pretty quick, but you also see this door in front of you. Yeah.

you. I hope you're reading good stuff down here. I was. I was as a matter of fact. Friends, are you okay? Yeah, I'm a little shaken, but I'm good. Okay. Well, it says salvation below the beast of flame. Oh, you choose now to get into Christianity. What's that?

What's that, dear? Nothing. Have any of you seen Tony? Oh. Oh, no. Well, surely he must have gone for an exit. Yeah, I'm sure he found a way to run away from the danger when other people do the job for him. Well, I hope he's not dead. Oh, well, I think that we should see.

seek the salvation below and try to open this door in front of us. Alright, you guys can try to open the door. So it's basically one of those little spinning latches. It's like one of those, but this thing is huge and it's old and it's hard as fuck. It's like a big rusty heavy ass door. It's got a

Yeah, and you gotta like crank it around. We got cultists, right? Yeah. Opening it. Yeah, but there were four of them. I've got an idea. Okay. So I could tie the rope around this little knob and then the three of us could try to pull the door open. That is physics. That's great.

Okay. So you guys can all do that together on her turn. Here's how this is going to work. Since it is three of you together doing this, it's going to be a hard success. Okay. To pull this door all the way open. It would normally be impossible for one person. Two people would be an extreme success, et cetera, et cetera. So if you had all four of you, if someone had to run away, it would just be a normal dice roll. Okay. You can each do this on your turn if you guys spend a whole turn doing it. But only one person is going to roll at a time. Okay.

Who's got the highest strength skill? Mine is 45. Yours is 45? Mine is 40. 40. And what's your strength? 60. Okay, great. So yes, give me a strength roll. And you're trying to beat a 30. Since we're doing this as a group, can we contribute our luck to the roll or something if it fails? Sure. Not that I'm necessarily going to do that.

I'm trying to beat a 30 and I got a 61. Okay. So we are now back at the top of the turn. We're back into it. The formless spawn. You guys wouldn't see this, but you hear it groaning and it's starting to sound a bit more panicked and a bit more desperate as it's twitching and convulsing and seeming to lose control of itself. You hear this thunderous boom as one of its tentacles just flails and just soars

slams into the wood on top of you and you hear this big crack so it's going to use one of its actions to make an attack roll to try to bust through the wood itself and break and drop down on you guys for you guys such a big chance for tony to do like a jurassic park hey over here

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a little worried about, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh's gonna do it. Yeah, I thought maybe you were too obsessed with that voice. You weren't thinking about saving your buds. Tony is punished, Colette, right now. Why? You hear this deafening crack, and you see the wood begin to shake and splinter above you, and the wood is starting to strain and buckle. As it groans, it looks like it's about to cave in. And you also see another tentacle slithering under the skirt towards you guys, and...

So it does not find you, but it is groping around trying to find a leg to grab onto. It is now Francis's turn. I wish I'd brought Shane's leg with me so I could hand it Shane's leg. See, now my idea from last time doesn't seem so crazy anymore. But you could give the tentacle something that's shaped like, I don't know, is there like practice dummies or punching bags? Oh yeah, like a punching bag. I'll get it. What's the big one? A heavy bag. Okay, you're going to give it like a sparring bag. Yeah, I'll roll a heavy sparring bag.

If you do this, it will mean you don't get to use your turn to do another attempt to open the door. That's okay. Okay. Be buying us time. You drag this heavy speed bag over and yeah, the tentacle feels it and wraps around it and just jinx it out like faster than you've ever seen. And then you hear the rage and disappointment in this thing as it realizes that it's been bamboozled and it's going to try to hit extra hard. Catch it. Kelsey now.

Now, does the way this works, since all three of us are pulling it, I can just use Trudy's strength. Wait, I've got an idea. It's not working. Wait, I've got a different idea. Okay, what's your dex? My dex is 60. Oh, shit, that's good. Okay, surely there are people who have been drinking here, right? Okay, I take a bottle of hard alcohol that I find and I take my handkerchief and I take my lighter and I

I hand it to Kelsey. Okay. Just throw it at the beast. The beast of flame. That's right. Chemistry starts with a C. So I know that fire plus handkerchief is fire. Handkerchief on fire plus alcohol is bigger fire. And sure, I'm going to throw it. Some kind of.

cocktail if you is there any hole above us yet in the floor that it's been like no you're gonna have to go out and throw it okay this is the way i don't want to get up because i'm lazy so i'm gonna try to explain this with words rather than showing you will also some audio also as an audio medium for the sake of the audience i'm gonna explain it with words as well i'm going to lay on my back our audience is what

As opposed to the live audience watching right now. She gets on her back and she scoots until just her shoulders are out from underneath the ring. Yeah, it gives you a lot of leverage for throwing. It's not much of an aim. Like, I'm just going to throw it up. Okay. Yeah. All right. And hopefully at an angle. I mean, I'll do it in person. This is a very easy throw. I just want to say this for anybody here who has ever thrown anything. This is about the easiest throw you can do. Matt, I want to see the throw. Okay. Matt is getting up. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. There's no room in here for this. No, I'm not. I just want him to demonstrate. One second.

All right, so Matt is getting under the table with a cat toy, which my cat now is... Matt is basically sticking... Matt is just lightly throwing a ball over the table. Yeah, yeah.

No one can hear you, Matt. No one can hear you, Matt. They're hearing me walk over to them. Now I just know that happened because they hear the sound of me walking towards the mic. Okay. Give me your deck score. Yes. You're just trying to hit the trunk of it. You're just trying to hit like... I'm just trying to throw it up and land it somewhere in the middle of the... Because this thing's like huge, right? It's pretty much taking up the entire... Boxing rings are made of canvas, which is flammable. Oh, that's fun. We didn't think about that, did we? Yeah, we're right under it. We better go fast.

I got 81. Can I make a quick suggestion? Don't call me that. That was the best idea. I still think it was a good idea, but I'm sorry I rolled bad. Give me a luck roll. Oh, okay.

I failed. Oh, no. By how much? Quite a bit. 74. I needed a 57. It feels like if you had critical failed, it would have landed on your face. It lands. It shatters. The ring itself is ablaze. The thing itself did not catch on fire. You missed it completely. But the whole ring's on fire. But you do hear it scream. It's freaked out by this fire. It seems like this fire can probably hurt it, as was foretold in the prophecy. Okay. But it is now burning, and it's going to be easier for it to smash through this thing, which is the next thing it's going to try to do.

Trudy. Okay. I hope that was worth it, Trudy. I could have just straight up opened the thing. That's okay. Well, let's all pull on this rope again and try to get a 30. You wrench the door open. Yay.

And it pops open. You're able to all push it over. There's smoke billowing in now from the flames. You hear this thing above you rearing up for one last strike. Beth, you have a move left, so you can get down the stairs, but the two of you are going to have to move on your next turn, I believe. Into the garbage chute, fly boy. So,

All of that is going on. You guys are about to make it out the door. Tony, what are you doing? Tony has slid up to the bathroom door opening. Can you describe to me what happens to Fred Dale? I think he's just stunned, stupefied by what he's seeing. He's just, he sees burning corpses all around him. He's run out and stopped. Yes, the air is heavy with thick smoke. He has no idea what to do. He just sort of panicked. And it's like a freeze response. He's just babbling incoherently to himself. And I see now Kelsey peek half her body out.

maybe overthrow, but throws the thing off. Yes, if you want to have seen what happened. And then Tony goes, must save friends. Must save friends. So Tony's going to grab the... You gobble fart right now. Oh, here's a thing by the way. Far buckle. So Tony's going to grab the fire hose. Okay. And undo what we just did. And roll it, because this is all he saw. He's like, friends under there, going to get burned by Bat Monster. And then he's going to roll out.

with the fire hose in his lap. Okay. Heroically, I might add, up to the ring and point the fire hose at this monstrosity, this cavalcade of flame and tentacles. So you do that. Yeah. I want to turn on the fire hose full blast at the ring. The blowback just pushes your wheelchair. Yes, I know. Exactly. Out of range. Out of range of the monster.

But the monster would definitely get hit by water or like hear this or whatever. Okay, so a jet of water erupts from this thing. First, give me a dexterity roll to hold on to it. Dex 25. Boy, oh boy. I got to say 27 out of 25. Oh, you should push some luck. Do you have two luck? No, I don't have any luck. Do you want to push the roll? No. No.

Were you aiming for the fire? Were you aiming for it? Tony knows that you aim for the base of the flame. You measure from the base of the flame. You measure from the very base of the flame. So since you were aiming for the flame, we will say you miss the flame and hit the monster, which does nothing. And then yes, the force of this thing pushes you straight back into the bathroom. But now the fire hose is out there and just spraying water around wildly. And now this fire hose is out there flopping water around wildly. Okay.

It hits Fred in the face and knocks him unconscious. Fucking idiot. You are now back in the bathroom by the base of the fire hose thing where the ventilation shaft is. Now, here's the question. Does Kelsey see this heroic move? Kelsey, give me a spot hidden. Hidden? No, she's pretty busy. So yeah, let's give Kelsey a spot hidden to see if she saw this noble sacrifice that you made. For sure. I failed. Okay, so no, she does not. I wasn't paying attention. It's not like it would have made things better for you if you had seen it. You just see rolling out like a moron and then getting blast

But she would have heard Tony go, Tony, help, when? Yeah, I know it's important for Tony to know that if Kelsey thinks better of him. But absolutely, as far as I'm concerned, the only thing I know of Tony is that Tony ran away. The last thing you see as you rocket back into the bathroom you were just wheeling yourself out of is that she absolutely did not see you and probably just thinks you abandoned them. Okay, so we're back to- True heroism is a doing without seeing. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This is a true Matt Arnold quote. Say that again. What is heroism? True heroism is a doing without a seeing.

Tony's in cat mode. All cats have dyslexia. The formless spawn enraged... How's the reaction to all this water? The formless spawn enraged by everything that's going on around it. Its quarry has slipped through its fingers. It's pounding desperately on the ground. It gets distracted by this jet of water. It seems to be convulsing faster and faster. It's twerking. It's twerking faster and faster than you've ever seen anything twerk before. It's dumb. It's like...

All right, go ahead.

It's got me a little hot and bothered there with that. Faster than anything I've ever seen before? My God. It raises its dummy thick cheeks up into the air to thunderously clap down on the burning ring around it to break through and get to you guys. And right as it does that, something inside it just sort of gives way and it begins to shrink incredibly quickly. Like its tentacles are spinning around and swirling into a little ball. That happens to a lot of guys. Yeah.

More and more compact. It's getting denser and denser and smaller and smaller. And reality seems to warp around it for a second as it shudders. And then all of a sudden it collapses into itself. And there's just a hole in space and time. Right where this thing has been banished back to wherever it came from. And a massive vacuum of...

of wind and gravity and energy just starts sucking everything into this room up into this black hole, basically, that's floating in the middle of the air. Trudy is down the stairs. The two of you are making your way down when the entire ring above you gets lifted into the air and you see it just basically get crushed into nothing

nothingness. Like twisters. Like a twister. Everything in the room now is getting sucked into this black hole. There's a deafening roar of wind. You are seeing screaming people and flaming corpses all getting hurtled towards this thing. The newly unconscious Fred Dale just drifts like, almost like that

Plastic bag in American Beauty. Fred just sort of drifts and floats. The entire fabric of who is, was, and would ever be Fred Dale wraps around this ball and just gets strung out into like a strand of spaghetti. Kelsey's going to videotape it in case she wants to hit on somebody later. If you feel it. Film it. Film it.

Okay, so that's its turn. We'll deal one by one with the consequences of this. Francis, what would you like to do? You have one action before this thing starts lifting you into the air. I'm going to throw myself down the stairs. Okay, great. You dive down the stairs. It's like a spiral staircase. So give me a dexterity roll to see if you take any damage. Okay.

That's a 14 out of 60. Okay, great. So you land with the lithe grace of a cat on one flight of stairs down the spiral staircase. I've been thrown down stairs before. You can still sense the air around you sucking up like a wind tunnel, and you can sense that you might get lifted in the air. Do you want to grab onto it?

anything. Is the rope down here? Did you take the rope with you? Sure, I took the rope and I rolled it up like a cowboy does around my shoulder. What I like to do is tie the rope around the banister and then try to throw the other end up to Kelsey. Oh, I like that. Okay, great. Trudy's like, no, this is my rope. Give me another dex roll for the rope.

That's a 73 out of 60. So it sort of... I will spend the requisite 13 luck points. Okay, great. Kelsey, this rope sails beautifully up to your feet. It's like sort of flapping in the air. Like he throws it half the way and then the vacuum takes it the rest. And again, you can feel yourself like you're about to start lifting into the air. I'm looking towards the hatch. Okay, yeah, yeah. And happy that one of my favorite students thought of me and threw a rope. I'm going to run towards the hatch and grab the rope and leap down. All right, great.

right great so you're grabbing onto the rope i'm gonna try to close the hatch behind me okay that is going to be an extreme difficulty to do that because it's thrown open and now it's like oh it's like super it's like crazy heavy yeah uh yeah i'm just gonna dive down try to run give me a dexterity roll

I got 44, 60. As you dive down the stairs, you feel, it's almost like you're being pulled by two spots of gravity, the gravity of the earth and the gravity of this black hole. The gravity of this black hole seems to be expanding outward. As you leap, it's like you're right at the edge of it. You can feel yourself going one way and then a little bit the other, and you just clear the grasp of this thing so that you are yanked by the gravity of the earth down these stairs and you stick the landing right next to Francis.

It's almost like an explosion of gravity coming towards you. So the next turn, you guys are gonna have to run like hell to get away from this thing. Okay. Tony, you're back in the truck again. Nice. You're back in the car again. Now, how much of this did I see? Is the doors like opening? So yes, we'll see. The first thing that happens on your turn is that the door to the bathroom is ripped clean open and the wall of the bathroom is not far behind. So yes, you can sort of peer through the door and see that everything is getting sucked into a horrifying vortex. Tony helped friends.

He so didn't. He did nothing. Tony, work here is done. No, it's not a sacrifice. You're not doing anything. Just live. Go down the vent. So Tony's going to go down the vent believing that he's done everything that he's been able to do and has done a big part. Can't wait to tell Kelsey about this waiter. Okay. What's happened to Tony? Tony's temporarily

Right. You're right. So he's going to suck it up and do his best to roll the penalty die and just dive down. Oh, he's going down. Yeah. Okay, great. And he's also going to say, well, this is now Tony back in his mind a little bit. Well, don't need to pay Fred this week.

What a horrible man. Wow. What a horrible, horrible man. Tony is the perfect example of how insanity isn't always palatable for other people. You know, it's not always the nice, cute, sad in your room kind of insanity. Sometimes it's really wild. And sometimes you alienate everybody. Well, no one knows this. Here's what we're going to do. We're here. Yeah.

Are you just diving or are you going to try to like, cause it's like narrow enough that you could kind of try to shimmy your way down. Here's my thought. This is going to sound very strange, but based on the description of this thing, I was thinking that Tony takes up a pretty big percentage of this pipe. Okay. Right. Okay. Have you ever dropped like a BB down a tube or a barrel? No.

And the air cushioning. All the time. And the air. How else do you relax? Well, here's what it is. The air cushioning slows the descent of the BB. So my thought is the air cushioning plus the fact that there's now a vacuum above Tony means that if I dive straight down, I'll just descend at a gentle rate all the way down.

So you're trying to fill up the entire tube. Me, I'm already a big portion of the tube. Okay. Tony's body. So there's a little bit of air escaping. Right. What's compounded is that there's a vacuum above it now. Oh, because there's air that's getting sucked out above it. So what's happening is I'm essentially diving into a cushion of air that will slowly descend me all the way down gently to the bottom. I can prove it.

of this to you. I know. I understand what you're saying. I understand what you're saying. And if you take a BB and there's a barrel. I understand. Shut up. If you're shimmying down to not just plummet, it's three strength checks on the way down. Regular strength checks to go down or one hard strength check to go up. But it sounds like you're going down. Yeah.

I was going to give you a penalty dice for your claustrophobia, but you make this powerful point about vacuums and science and all of that. So it's just going to be three regular strength checks to make it down without losing your grip. With each one, you'll get closer to the bottom and any fall damage you take would be less. But you only have three hit points, so you could still die at any given moment.

But like, I don't like this because I'm taking up so much space. It's like worst case scenario. I just go, and then I'm stopped. I mean, if you want to be a real asshole about science, it's like, you're not perfect sphere. Like that works because the ball is exactly the same shape. It's not just like a, yes, correct. But there is an effect. If the wind, okay. If the wind, we're not doing this man or let him do it. If the wind is enough to pull a door off, Matt,

There's a black hole in the room above. It's pulling the walls apart. The physics of it. How do you shy away, William? How do you shy away from it? Freddie's talking in character right now. No, you do. Guess a number and roll it. All right, baby. Dig deep. 59. 34. Okay. Tony Collette.

into this hole and it works amazingly well. Yeah, nice. Sure enough, you were descending like a feather floating ever so softly because as you said, there's a vacuum and a black hole above you and there's a nice cushion of air and you begin to descend ever so slowly and then about halfway down, you just start to descend a little more slowly and then a little more slowly. Yeah.

And you're like, gee whiz, gee whiz, this is a little more narrow than I thought it was. Boy, and I'm a little bit beefier and fatter than I think. Freddie, have you ever seen, have you ever read the Enigma of the Amigara Fault? Yes. Okay, so you are now stuck 40 feet underground in a bunker and just an air shaft and no one knows you're here.

And no step sibling can save you now. And because there's an air cushion above you, you have no way of scooching yourself down and no way of going forward. And you're claustrophobic. I'd like to use a strength roll. Oh, God. This is like, have you heard the Nutty Putty Cave situation? Yeah. Oh, my God. All right, Freddie, give me. That's what this is. You're in a Nutty Putty Cave situation. You are completely stuck in an air shaft. And that's where we'll leave your character this week. No! Anybody else? All right, so Trudy.

You're down at the bottom of this stairwell. You see a door in front of you. And I know that Francis and Kelsey are safe. Yeah, you just saw them land on the stairs in front of you and they're sort of scrambling and picking themselves back up. Okay. I open the door. Uh, it's locked. Is there a

combination lock, a keyhole. Give me just like a no roll on this door. All right. Do you know this door? This is a door. I got a 24 out of 65. You feel like probably given the time you have the best way to get through this would be to bash it open. It's not like the door of the bunker. It's a wooden door. It's like a fire door or something really hard. Oh, cool.

Quick, Kelsey, pass me one of your gloves. I see that you're stuck in front of this door and I'm running full speed. I'm just going to run into the door. Okay. I got a better idea. I'm just going to take my speed from running down the stairs. I'm going to put my shoulder and I'm just going to charge into it. It's still tied to me. I run to try to catch up to make sure I don't get dragged behind me. All right. Do you guys want to do like a combined human bowling ball to get through this door or something like that? Like a three-stooge just trying to get into a locked room. Okay, great. Move all the way, Trudy. If you guys are all going to smash into this thing together, we'll use Trudy's strength

Give me like an athletics roll for your speed coming through the door. Nice. So then we'll call it a combo roll. We'll use your strength, Trudy, and we'll use, if you give me a successful athletics roll, she'll get advantage on it. I don't think there's athletics. There is no athletics. Size maybe? If it's just pure weight? Yes. We'll use your size and your strength. So give me a size roll. Give me a strength roll.

Goddamn, dude. I pass. I got a 55 out of 65. And I got a 40 out of 60. 40 out of 60. The door blasts open and the two of you and Francis all stumble inside. And just then, as you do that, you hear above you this vortex of sound stop as this black hole collapses in on itself completely and silence fills the air. Close the door, Francis. Close the door. You sure? It sounds like it's calm now. Like, we can just leave. Yeah,

We can just leave. And as Francis says that you look up into the room that you're in and you find yourself at the nexus point of like a

a vast network of branching tunnels and rooms stretching out in seemingly every direction. And as you look up, there's a flickering light bulb above you sort of buzzing and flashing. You hear footsteps pounding off down the distance. The four cultists you saw run down here are somewhere off in the darkness. But above you, written in big block letters on the brick wall in front of you are the words, Operation Center Project Heartland.

Do we hear a faint muffling of somebody? Let's find out. Freddie, give me a luck roll. Too far, too far away. I stay

Thanks so much for listening. Europeans, we're doing some live shows in October this year, going to the UK, Germany, Belgium, and the Netherlands. Find tickets and tour dates at dungeonsanddags.com slash live. What am I saying?

You guys are all on vacation right now. Do you know this? Europe just takes a month off every year and they're like, fine. Their economy is fine. We got to get on that level, America. Come on. Dungeons and Dags is Matt Arnold. It's Kelsey Grammer. Anthony Burch is Francis Farnsworth. Will Campos is our DM. Beth May is Trudy Trout. Myself, Freddie Wong is Tony Collette. Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashton Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

You can support the show directly and get hours of additional bonus content at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. What kind of bonus content you might ask? Well, for example, Matt and Beth, they do a show called The Christerion Collection, an additional podcast where a recovering Catholic, that's Matt, and an ex-Episcopalian, that's Beth, watch Christian movies. And most recently, they watched Terrence Malick's A Hidden Life.

which is like an actually good movie. And like Matt and Beth are both film people. They have tremendous insight into both the filmmaking and the religious aspects of the movie. I listen in when they record, and it's honestly one of the highlights of my week, just getting to hear them pontificate and just chat about Christian movies. Most of the time, the movies aren't good. But this one, this one, it's a good movie. What can I say? It's a great podcast. Check it out. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. And when you support us directly, you'll also join the likes of fine folks like Darcher, Squid, Bradley Hancock,

Thank you so much for listening. You can support us directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. You can find our merch at dungeonsanddads.com as well as all the links to our stuff. Live show tickets, dungeonsanddads.com slash live. And our next episode's coming at you August 27th. We'll see you then.

♪ All that I can see is a hole in the stars ♪ ♪ Swallowing my dreams and making them scars ♪ ♪ Too far, too far away, but I'll stay ♪ ♪ All that I can see is a hole in the stars ♪ ♪ Swallowing my dreams and making them scars ♪ ♪ Too far, too far, but I'll stay ♪

I thought you got like phobias and stuff like that. Here's what's strange. No one's ever been able to explain this. I'm afraid of pickles. Are you a cat? Yeah. Well, yeah. Oh, yeah, you are a cat. Yeah, you are. That's funny. I'm afraid of pickles, but I was too far ahead for my co-host to understand the joke.