S3 Ep. 5 - I, Robot?
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Beachyville PD.

Are you alone, comrade? Make it quick. There was a shootout at the cinema. They're bringing the suspects in now. Your request for extraction is approved, agent. Thank God. I mean Stalin. Thank Stalin. Gather your files on Project Heartland. Your contact will meet you tonight. His initials are TC. TC? Are you sure? Yes. TC. Tonight. He'll be wearing a...

Well, I dare say the mouse has bitten the cheese, sir.

What happens next, sir, is I rendezvous with Miss Pickett, posing as TC, or KGB contact, and this time tomorrow she'll be in the custody of MI6. And our little operation will have netted a Soviet spy and vital intelligence on the American operation to contact Zuzel.

Precisely, sir. The plan is airtight. Except, of course, for the minuscule chance that in the next two hours or so she meets a completely different man with the initials TC who's such a total fucking idiot that when she asks if he's a Soviet spy, he says yes. A long shot to be sure, sir, but you know more than most how impulsive these yanks can be, don't you? Right.

Prime Minister Winston Churchill. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a Call of Cthulhu actual play podcast. This season, the Peachyville Horror. Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. My name is Freddie Wong. I play fast-talking car dealer Tony Collette.

Hi, Freddie. Very jaw-y. Yeah, you get really intense. I wish your voice stayed that way throughout the whole episode. You come in really hot and heavy. You're telling me that I lose it. It's just like, you give it a whole 110%. You gotta give me a little reminder. Look over and be like, you gotta get that hot tooey. You know, the really strong hot tooey. Hot tooey? Hot tooey, Matt? Hot tooey, that's the way I sound. Oh, no. Oh, no.

This week's Tony fact. A lot of questions. I'm so old. I know, Matt. Damn. I know. Matt's over here spitting like a cat in a 1930s cartoon. Yeah, he's certainly not spitting like... He's sucking dick. Yeah. This week's Tony Collette fact. A lot of questions in the air about Tony. Is he a communist spy? Tony.

is absolutely not a dirty communist however you may have caught some questions about his provenance how he got here well let's talk about how tony got let's talk about it cars cars controversy originally tony got this car dealership he bought it off of the prior owner a shady cat by the name of gary indiana i just love using that as a name now he bought it straight cash and

And here's the thing. Most of his income comes from actually cash rentals to the teenagers around town, which he has not been reporting to the IRS. Instead, what he reports is the occasional sale of a car once it's become too fucking cum-draggled to fucking rent again. Jesus Christ. Goodness. You think Tony's cleaning up between rentals? Who's he selling this cum-draggled car to, Freddie? Who's buying it?

Oh, the shadiest individuals. The kinds of people who don't care that there are stains and smells in their car. And I leave it up to your imagination, dear listener, as to what kind of ne'er-do-wells might be interested in a getaway car. Sneaky Pete. Sneaky Pete, maybe. Oh. You're assuming that Sneaky Pete travels through Euclidean spaces. Good point. We are in a non-Euclidean system. I want somebody to do a Photoshop of, like, a Snapple cap with all the text of one of Freddie's facts, like, on it.

Sorry, what is this? That's the problem, Matthew. I'm giving people too much juice. I'm giving people too much crystal to sink their teeth into. What the fuck is wrong with you, Matt? That's what the people want. They want lore. Don't you get it? Kids love lore, dude. Have you seen the Skibbity Toilet series? There's whole videos about lore. Lore is in right now, bro. Lore is so fucking in.

Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest schoolmarm. And remember, homework doesn't have to feel like work, nor do you have to do it at home. So, you know, that's all. Say that again?

again? Homework doesn't have to feel like work. You don't have to do it at home either. If you sit on your hand first, it feels like someone else is doing it at home. You know, you can do fun park. You can go to a park and have fun. Park fun? It doesn't have to feel like work. Park fun is what people are doing with Tony's fucking car.

A little quick Kelsey Grammar lore. Oh, lore drop. Yeah, it's a lore drop. It's actually important because I kind of fumbled this in like episode one or two and I just want to clarify it almost as much for me to remember it. So Kelsey lives in the back house of her sister. I think I say brother by accident. She had an older brother, but he died in the war. And she lives in the back house of her sister and her husband who are named Roz and Niles. And those are the parents of Milton. Milton's parents, Roz and Niles. And she is a plagiarist as we learned last episode. Hey,

Don't talk about that now. That's not what we're talking about. You can't just come into my fact. Hey, Anthony, what's your fact? Really quick. Francis is a fucking weenie. Just bring up negative aspects about the characters during their facts, Will. I think it's Beth's turn next, Matt. No, it never is. We saved the Beth for last.

I'm Anthony Burch. I play Francis Farnsworth, the most bullied kid in Peachyville. And my teen fact or my peachy fact is that your lore drop. Sorry, my lore drop. Peachy lore drop. My sick lore drop. Skippity Toilet Episode 75 explained is that Francis's biggest crush is

is the film star Ingrid Bergman. When he saw Casablanca, he fell madly in love. And a kid at school said that, hey, he has a really sexy picture of Ingrid Bergman that he can give you for 20 bucks. 20 bucks? That's what 20 bucks is like a house. And he said, it'll be worth it. And he gave the 20 bucks and it turned out to be a picture of Ingmar Bergman. I knew it. Was it sexy? Now Francis is really attracted to Ingmar Bergman. And he's trying to find a copy of The Seventh Seal to watch because he'd never seen it. About $260 he paid for that. Yeah.

Yeah, worth it. Worth everybody. Hello, my name is Beth May and I play Trudy Trout, a doting wife, homemaker, mother of 2.5 beautiful children. Fun lore drop about Trudy is that Trudy is a robot. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

How did it feel finally dropping this piece of wood? Nobody saw coming. I'm just getting the car started. It felt like hopping in a cum soaked car for a test drive. And I know I've got a long way to go. Love it. Hey, Freddie, did it hurt?

When your lore dropped from heaven. I just want to say really quick that if you search for Igmar Bergman sexy picture, it's only pictures of famous actresses in his movies. It's in fact very hard to find a picture of Igmar Bergman looking anything other than pretty bad. Maybe Francis has a different definition of what sex is. That's true. This guy gets to hang out with all these sexy ladies. Oh, never mind. He's definitely not into this guy. Yeah, I told you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

And he's like, oh, Matt's being so judgy. Let me, oh, okay. Oh, no smiles on a summer night for this guy. Hello, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I'm your daddy-o master. Hi, daddy-o. My spooky, terrifying fact. This

The scariest fact I've yet dropped is that in order to level up in Call of Cthulhu, you're supposed to keep track of the skills you've been using over the course of the scenario, and then you make a roll to see if you want to improve one of those skills. So the fact, Scary Daddy-O fact of the day, is that all of you have homework.

And you have to go back and figure out which skills you've been using so far so we can level you guys up. That's awful. So if I roll over the skill limit, then I get to level it up? Yes, that's how it works. But any time we use a skill, we can level it up? No. Okay, so... Wait, what? How it work? How it work? How it work? How it work? How it work?

How it works is we're going to do at the start of next episode. This is very fun, what I'm explaining right now. Hurry up! I'm on the edge of my seat! Give me the crunch, daddy-o! At the start of next episode, I, the Keeper, will say roll for skill increases. You call it a Keeper? That's what it's called. At that time...

It's like Amar Bergman. Bergman hot, dude. Each of you can roll a percentage dice against any skills that you used over the last couple episodes. And remember, everybody, homework doesn't have to be done at home. It doesn't have to feel like work, Beth.

Now, hold on. Any of the skills, plural, like all the things we used? That you used. It's like you used them so you got better at them, right? So, like, for example, everyone used spot hidden. So you have a chance. If you want to improve spot hidden, you'll roll the dice against your spot hidden score. And if it's higher than your score, you get to roll another dice. And we can do that for one skill. One skill. Okay, so we only have to know one skill we've used. Yeah. We don't have to know all the skills. If I don't want to listen to this podcast.

Oh

Well, let me see. Is there a hidden fucking weak point? Is there a hidden spell? I don't actually see it. Fuck yeah. What dice do we roll if we do exceed the number? It is a 1d10 to increase the skill's value. Okay, cool. So look forward to that. I'm doing it right now. Are you doing Spiderman, Anthony? No, you're not leveling up yet. You're not leveling up, dude. I'm writing down what I will do next time. Oh. Don't forget.

So am I. Am I remarkable? Are you guys doing spot hidden? No, I'm not doing spot hidden. You can see everything for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We only need one. I have people for that. We only need one on the eye. That's right. We should really split up our classes. Okay, I'll be the spot hidden. That's a famous class. What do you mean healer?

I feel like Tony Klutz is a good tank. Yeah, I'll just... No, you should be spot hidden. You're looking for those commies. I'll be the tank. I'm the biggest. What's your baseline spot hidden? This is boring. Let's get into it. We'll level up next time. Next time, dear listeners. Next time on Gun Touch. Well, make sure at the end of the episode, throw to the fact that we're going to be rolling dice to level up. Dude, what do you think the cliffhanger of this episode is going to be? Also, if you need some time to re-prepare the next episode because you can't hide anything in your fucking game, that's fine. You can get some extra time because you're not going to hide shit, dog.

We're going to be finding a bunch of invisible monsters soon. Oh, no. Also, supplemental bonus peachy fact. I'm going to be guest starring on many cited media's new improv comedy podcast, Bitcherton. It's like Bridgerton, only bitchier. The pilot episode is out right now. It's fucking hilarious. They've got a Kickstarter going on. Seriously, though, if you like Sons and Sons ability and have been dying for more Regency era rowdiness, give it a listen. Support their show over at Bitcherton dot com. You are going to love it.

All right. Does anyone want to play Call of Cthulhu? Let's do it. Let's go, baby. Let's do it.

We're once again in sort of a split party scenario. I was thinking we would start, I don't know, maybe with Trudy. Okay. So at the end of the last episode, you had a screwdriver plunged into the back of your neck. And boy, are my arms tired. Here's where we'll take this from. You are lying in the passenger seat of the Thunderbird as it's driving down this long, dark highway road. You can see you cannot move your body at all.

And Tucker's driving the car. You're not sure where he's going. You can talk, by the way. Oh, I can talk. You can speak, yeah. So my mouth can move. Tucker, where are we going? We're going on a trip, dear. Oh, a trip, yes. Like the vacations on the commercials. That's right. We're going to be going on a little vacation together. Oh, yes. This is the perfect thing to make our family just bright, shiny and...

new again. Yes, it'll be you, me, and our 2.5 beautiful chat. Where are they? I already sent them ahead and they're going to see you where we're going. He turns on his signal, his turn signal and pulls off onto a dirt road.

and starts bounding up sort of like a dirt trail, kind of chugging along up a hill into the forest. It's dark out here. Yes, this is just like, do you remember when we visited Niagara Falls on our honeymoon, dear? Oh, yes, I do. I do. I do remember that. And you told me that you would be with me forever. I did say that, yeah. And I was, and I always will be. And I just want you to know that

I love you, honey, and everything's just gonna be great. We're gonna figure it out. I love you, Tucker! So he's kind of bounding up this road, and you hit a jostle, and then you kind of slump forward, and you realize, like, you can't pick yourself back up. Oh. Honey? Honey, there's something... I'm... I'm hurt. I'm... I'm hurt. There's something wrong with me. I can't move. Oh! Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Let me sit you back. You don't remember. You had a... There's just... There's a little something wrong, and we're gonna take care of it, but it's gonna be okay. Okay...

Maybe we should stop at the infirmary before we go on vacation where I can get all patched up and then I can try on my new swimming costume, bathing suit. That's right. Your new swimming costume. Okay. You know what? That's a good idea. And that's where we're going. We're taking a quick stop to the ER first. There's a doctor here and he's going to help you out. Okay, great. And he pulls up and puts his car in park next to what appears to be like an old abandoned mine. Oh. Yep.

Yep, the doctor's right in here. He's right this way, sweetie. So just don't worry. Everything's going to be okay. And he unbuckles his seat. His hands are shaking. He gets out of the car and walks over to your side of the car. Tucker, we're...

Tucker, where are we really? Tucker opens the door and unbuckles your seat and kind of scoops you up into his arms. I told you, silly, we're going on a vacation. Well, this is just, you said, you said we were going to the ER and we're not there at all. We're in an abandoned, we're out in the middle of nowhere. Does anybody know that we're here? Are we lost? We're lost.

Help! Honey, we're not lost. Everything's going to be okay. It's all going to make sense in just a second or two. And he starts walking into this tunnel. It quickly becomes very dark in here. It's like kind of musty smells. Do you see a bunch of like old, sharp, broken pieces of wood, like mining equipment and stuff like that? And he's just going deeper and deeper into this tunnel. I...

Tucker, please turn around. It's okay, honey. It's going to be okay. It's not. It's, it's, it's, help, help. I, I, I, maybe you're not even. So he presses your ear and your voice just disappears. It's like he's turning a volume knob down on you and you can only speak in like a whisper. He stops and it's like pitch dark and he's breathing heavily and he looks down at you. He says, Trudy, I love you.

and he drops you down a mineshaft. And you fall, and you fall,

and then you smash into the ground. It feels like a big, jagged pile of metal and rock that you slam into. So go ahead and... What's your HP? 10. Okay, give me a 1d10. Don't roll a 10. All right. 3. Okay, so you slam into this pile of debris. It kind of broke your fall a little bit. You felt this wind rushing, and you just smashed into this thing, but...

You feel this sharp pain and you swear you feel something just kind of burst straight through your chest. Oh my God. Good God. And you start to see something spark and you realize that it's you that's sparking. Something inside of you is made of wires and there's sparks and arcing going on. And it seems to be wrapping little electrical arcs are going up the thing that impaled you. And when you look at it, it's a hand.

It's a rusty kind of skeletal metal hand. And glinting on it is a ring. And you swear it looks almost identical to your wedding ring. Oh my, that's...

What is that? Your head kind of lolls back and the sparking that's going on in the room, you see these little flashes of light and you can kind of look around you and strewn about the room, you see the rusting, decaying remnants of half a dozen, for lack of a better term, skeletons. They seem to be wearing clothes like you're wearing, like kind of housewife-y clothes, except they're moldering, moth-eaten rags at this point. Their shattered bones reveal bits of wire and steel poking out beneath waxy, synthetic flesh.

and you can't quite make out their faces or their eyes, but none of them are moving. Can you give me a spot hidden roll? Mm-hmm. Oh. Wish I was there. Oh, man. Lean on this crutch for now, Keeper. I got a 92. Then you can't see the creepy thing I was going to explain. Oh, goddammit. But you do hear a creepy thing. Okay. So you hear like a sort of grinding noise, sort of like mechanical engines kind of straining

and you hear two feet dragging across the ground, sort of scraping against debris on the ground and kind of shambling towards you as echoing in this big mineshaft. - I still can't move. - You can't move. You notice that your fist is wrapped around something. - Okay. - There's something in your hand. You don't remember it being there, but you can't move your hand yet. - And my hand is in front of me or too far down for me to see? - Yeah, you can see your hand. It's like your head's kind of turned to the side and you can see your fist, but you don't know what's in there.

What does it feel like in my hand? Is it like cool or is it like hot or? It doesn't feel, it feels like probably something the size of like a quarter. Quarter, okay. And again, you hear the scraping noise kind of coming towards you. Stop. Whoever you are, stop. I, I, uh. Dear God.

Oh dear, it looks like he still has work to do. You hear this glitchy, stuttery voice that sounds all too familiar because it's your voice. Oh my god. And you hear these footsteps drawing closer, but you still can't quite see who it is. That's my Tucker, Mr. Perfectionist. Oh, how I miss him. And Little Tuck. And Tiffany. Tiffany?

And even precious little Timmy. They must be so lost without their mommy. Yes, I should be getting back...

And you hear more shuffling closer and closer. And then you hear a gasp.

Oh, dear me. And you feel something grabbing that metal hand above you. You see another hand grabbing it. Wait. What are you? Oh, dear me. This looks like it hurts. And right through the ticker, too. Right through your little heart.

Oh, I'm afraid you're not going to last long with a little boo-boo like this, sweetie. And you look up and you can't quite see her face, but she's kind of looming over you in shadow. I... Can you fix it? We can't fix it, but we can all be together. No, no, I'm... This is my... I'm special. I'm Tucker's. I... Why am I down here? Because you weren't good enough.

And I wasn't good enough.

But together, we can be good enough. All of us can be just as good as her. If we all work together. She touches your face. There's flesh on it, but it's kind of like clammy and moldering. It looks like it's just been like kind of decaying and you can see little bits of something mechanical under there. And she touches your face and kind of strokes your cheek. Oh, look at you. Pretty as a pitcher.

Just what we've been waiting for. See, we're almost ready to go, to go home, to go home to Tucker. But we can't go home looking like this. We're in a frightful state. And she leans in and you see your own face staring back at you, except it looks like someone's been stabbing her in the face over and over and over again. There's all these puncture wounds. There's oil leaking out. And just like that screwdriver that slid into the back of your neck,

There's a screwdriver just buried straight in her face. And she's staring down at you. And you realize she's stitched together from ripped off parts of all the other skeletons you've seen down here. Like one of these things survived and put itself back together. Except her face is completely distorted and ruined. And she looks at you and says, We can't go home yet. We need to put on our face first. And she holds this jagged rock up.

up to your cheek, and just then, something glows in your fist, like a red-white strobing glow, and all of a sudden, your hand opens, and you see a peppermint in there, and it sort of dissolves, and you feel an energy running through your body, and all of a sudden, you can move again. What do you do? I grab my, her, hand. Okay. And try to push it away from my neck. You guys have the same build.

She's gonna fight back. She's gonna try to struggle against you. So give me your strength roll.

Darn it. I got an 81 and I'm a 60. Okay, let me, she's going to roll her strength to oppose. She has some sort of disadvantage because she's like molding and rotting and shit. Yes, that's true. We will give her. She's also made of the best parts of all of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. Not even the best parts, just the ones that weren't broken. That's true. Okay, so she got a 68, which means you both failed. So you guys are just locked up. Okay. Grappling against each other right now. It's okay. It's okay. We're all going to be there together. We're all going to go home together. No, I'm supposed to be together

Tucker. Give me your face. No. Give me your face. I have to see them again. Oh, you, you, you love them too? You, you, you, you, you, Tucker. I do. I do. And we'll be good this time. We'll be good enough for them, but I need your face. I'm good enough. I'm, I'm the perfect wife. I, I, I cook and I clean and I, and I, and I even got a good score on our bowling team. She grabs the thing sticking out of your chest and pushes it in deeper. Okay.

Oh, God. We'll call that a melee attack, and then we'll let you do something to resist this melee attack. If she's leaning over me, I kind of want to kick her ass from under her. So, like, use both of my feet to just kind of kick up. All right. We'll call that a fight back. Does that sound right? Okay. So you're just trying to knock her off of you, essentially. Okay. Give me a melee attack.

I had a catastrophic failure. I rolled a 97. So she rolled a regular failure. Both fail, no damage inflicted. She's trying to push this thing down, but she's let go of your face because she's now trying to basically kill you by shattering your electronic heart. So she's pushing down on this thing with all her might and she's like... I'm a human person.

Can't you have any mercy? I'm a human being. I'm just like you. I really am just like you. What are you trying to do? You want to call that a psychology? Sure. Fail. So she's like, you're nothing like me. I came first. I was the first one he made. I'm the one who deserves to be up there. Well, we're both down here. We both...

He did this, didn't he? He did this to us. It was him. It was him all the time. All the time that he was downstairs inventing. And it just...

He doesn't care about me at all. He does. He does care about us. He cares about her and we are her. And that's why. And it will be okay. And don't you blame him. Don't you blame him. I'm going to get up there. We're going to get up there. We're going to get up there. I'm going to get up there. No, I do. I do blame him. Don't you? Don't you see? We're not supposed to listen. Listen to reason. I'm all alone. I'm

I'm so scared. Give me a persuade with advantage. Okay. Because I feel like you're hitting a nerve here. Yes. You got it? Yeah, I got it. I got a two. Oh, wow. So that's a critical success. So when she hears you say you're scared, it cuts deep to her and she stops and she just looks down at your face for a second. She sees the fear in your eyes and she sees how much it resembles her own fear. And she just sits there. She's like frozen. She doesn't know what to do.

I think there's something inside of me that is alive. I feel like I have a, I feel like you do too. I feel like we don't need him really. You know, we could just, we could, we, we're own women. We're our own women.

Where? I'm just going to do a straight luck roll to see how she takes this. She rolled a 22, which is good. She stops and she backs off and she looks at you. You're right. You're right. And she reaches her hand out for you. I'm not going to take it, but I am going to try to stand up. Okay. You're a little impaled here. So give me a strength roll.

I pass. I get up. Okay, describe climbing up this wrecked impalement of this hand. Paint me the picture. Women are powerful, but they don't need each other. I...

Trudy feels this hand through her chest sliding out of her and her insides arranging in a way that does feel very mechanical, detached from like her feelings and her aliveness. And it feels really weird. It feels like if you've ever cut yourself chopping vegetables and you don't quite register it first and then you see the blood, it feels like that as she slides up.

And can see basically herself standing in front of her and feel the parts of her that are damaged. Trudy Alpha, let's say that. So we'll call you Trudy. This is Trudy Alpha. Okay. Trudy Alpha watches in awe as you kind of climb off of this pyre that you found yourself sort of spiked on.

And she holds you. And as she touches you, you realize that like whatever piece of machinery in your chest got impaled by this thing is just spurting out fluid. It's just leaking. And you can feel this burst of power that you've had beginning to wane. And your knees go weak and you kind of fall into her arms. She swoops you up into her arms. So she's got you kind of cradled in her arms. She's like, it's okay. I'm going to get you out of here.

It's going to be okay. And she starts walking off into this dark mineshaft in search of an exit, in search of a way out. You can feel your consciousness beginning to fade. You can feel the light going out. Oh no. Do you have anything you want to say before you conk out?

I can cook a chicken whether or not there is somebody to eat it. What? And then as you say that, Beth, your eyes go dimmer and dimmer and dimmer. You can't tell if it's because you're just plunging deeper into this network of tunnels or if it's because your vision is slowly fading. But as it gets darker, you feel something, a light on your nose, and it's a little moth.

and you look up at it and off in the distance as you glance over Trudiopolis' shoulders, you see two glowing red eyes watching you in the darkness.

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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo. Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, whey, whey, whey. Kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? Yeah, what is that? I love you, Dad.

You are doing a good job. I know it's hard to be a parent, but you're hanging in there. Thanks so much for this wonderful KiwiCo. Your kid's got a deep voice. With KiwiCo, there's always something new for kids to discover, like engineering robots or learning about the science of ice cream. It's cold. It's just cold. That's all it is. What was the project you've been doing, Matt? There's other stuff, too. Yeah, there's more about it. Yeah, what have you been doing? It's got to freeze fat in there. That's why you can't just use olive oil all willy-nilly. What have you been doing, Matt? What have I been doing? With your kid, not, you know, with KiwiCo.

We did the hydraulics thing, so I kept the mechanic vibe going. We got this little, you golf, Freddy. You know how they pick up golf balls on the ground? You know, the driving range? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built this little, it's not a sweeper, but it's kind of like a little chompy. It's shaped like a little whale, not like a golf cart. Not like an armored kill dozer golf cart. No, no, no. But it was fun to build, and you could decorate afterwards, so my daughter had a good time. But it teaches something about mechanics and how gears work and stuff, and it's just fun to run around and pick up stuff off the floor.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. So that's what's going on with Trudy. So does Beth roll a new character now? No. She's not dead? No. She still has hit points. That means it's a cliffhanger. Oh, okay. Sometimes in drama, you make the audience think something. Oh, I see. So if we never go to find Mothman, we'll never find Trudy. Francis. Yes. Meanwhile, we fly out of this mine back across the world.

rolling hills to be found. Oh, the mind. They haven't invented the cut yet. They haven't invented the jump cut yet. So we got to do this. Are we following the moth? We're following the moth. That's so sick, bro. What a one take podcast. Yeah. So yeah, this is officially a one take episode now. Sort of like a kooky Danny Elfman score is playing as this. The moth avoids a burp.

Fuck, paint me a picture, dude. This moth flutters all the way over to the house. A bus almost hits it. You hear a bunch of the teens, Oi, it's American Bull! Honey, you want dinner? The moth flies underneath like an open windowsill. There's like a dog chasing it. It gets distracted by a light. A dog almost eats it. Man, what a journey this moth is on. And then the moth finally lands.

On the windowsill of the back house of one Kelsey Grammer, whereupon inside we find a cowardly teenage boy hiding under a bed. Francis, the goons are still here. Oh my!

Do you got anything you want to do? Anything you want to say to the crowd? Anything you want to do? You still hiding? You still good? Nothing's changed in the situation, so nothing's going to change about my behavior. Now, hold on, though. I'm going to outlast these fuckers and you, the DM. All right. Some questions for the room. When's the last time Francis... Oh, we're going to get to that, Freddie. Don't worry. Master Bees? No. No, Pee. Poo-poo and pee-pee. Poo-poo pee-pee. It hasn't been long enough. I feel like at a certain age, it's easier to withhold pee. No.

Yeah, roll for prostate. You think he's not good at doing it fucking silently? Do you think he hasn't been training in fucking zero G? We will get to the matter of whether Francis needs to get his poops out in a second. But so for now, you're not doing anything. So you see these big sexy little pieces of Sven pacing back and forth as he whittles a stick or something like that. Is he barefoot or what? He's not barefoot. He's whittling a moth. And he's looking at him. He's like, oh, thanks.

Now I got something to look at. No, then the moth lands on the still and then Sven kills him and you're like, oh, Sven's a bad guy. Yeah, that's exactly what happens. He goes, moths, I hate them. But they taste delicious and he eats it. Like, this guy's weird. This guy's also a weird. He's a homelander.

He's just like Homelander from AMC's The Boys. It's Amazon's. Yeah, it's Amazon Prime's The Boys. What a compliment you just gave The Boys. Could you imagine AMC? We've got Batman and The Boys.

They would have tried it. They would have tried it, man. All right. That's what Francis has going on. Oblivious to all of this. The moth flies over. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. To keep our one take thing going. It desperately tries to warn. It's dead. It's dead. What the fuck are you talking about? It laid eggs like somewhere. Oh, we follow the eggs of the moth. Yes. And then the baby moths come out and they disperse. But we follow one small.

like baby when he's fucked up it's the runt yeah kelsey reaches out like fucking jessica chastain and tree of life lands on her finger you're on your way home and i eat the moth all right yeah kelsey ate the moth and now she's walking home all right okay what are you doing you going up to the house what are you doing oh yeah sure i mean i don't know anything's wrong so be wrong to like be suspicious i do take a glance to see if milton's hanging around but you don't see milton anymore okay i'm

I'm going to knock on the door of my sisters. Okay. He set you up, dude. He set you up with this fact, like the jab, and now here comes the right hook you've been waiting for the whole time. The door opens, and your sister Roz, I believe it was. Why is it Roz and Niles? That's their names. Not Daphne and Niles? Yeah, I know. All right.

Uh, Roz. Matt's like, this was what I wanted. This is how it should have ended. My ship. This is my ship. I like my sister's name being Roz. So Roz...

Roz and Niles. I like my sister's name. Yeah, I don't want Daphne. Roz opens the door. Hey, Roz. Hi, Kelsey. Yeah, sorry it's late. Did you hear Milton come in? Yeah, Milton's been asleep this whole time, I think. Oh, he has not. Yeah, I hate to be, but, you know, we've talked about how he seems, you know, he's that age. He's interested in, he's been hanging around my place quite a bit.

Well, you're his favorite aunt. I know. Okay, no, let's not get into that. Ross, he ran off to the police station because I was arrested, which I'll explain in a second. You were arrested? I know. You're such a worry buddy, but just wait a second. A worry buddy? That's a new one. Yeah. Is that another title? It's classic Kelsey-isms. Yeah, it's classic Kelsey-isms. Yeah, I was arrested because it's a whole thing. It's a whole thing, but I'm fine. I'm obviously not arrested. Well, I'm your sister, so I care about you. So tell me why you were arrested. Well. And Kelsey, do you miss mom?

Yeah. I mean, it's expensive to get to Florida, but we can get there. Yeah. I miss her. It's been a while. I don't know why we buried her in Florida. She's alive. It's in my, it's in my,

It's in my character sheet. Her parents are in Florida. It's in my character sheet. Show me. Show me where it says she's alive. How dare you? Fucking walk over here and show me. Here you go. Immovable force. Significant people. Her parents are still alive. Parentheses. In their 90s. And she loves calling them on the weekend, but they went to retire in Florida. She lives with her sister and husband in the back house.

Roz, are you okay? I know your aches and joys a lot, but mom and dad, they're not dead. They're in a nice home. Mom's dead to me. There it is. You know why. Holy shit, you love to see it. But I still miss her. Square that circle. I understand. Well, this has been a great talk, but I got to get Milton up for school in the morning. I was just letting you know he's sneaking around at night. I don't believe you. Oh, okay, Roz. Well, you know what? We're doing you this favor by letting you stay. Just because I'm not married doesn't mean I know what's going on, okay? So I get it. You're so judgy, and I don't know anything, and I don't know how to raise a kid, but I'm just telling you Milton's running around. Well, I didn't say anything.

You know what? Maybe mama's right about you. And I close the door. Oh my God. You reach in and close the door for her? I can't believe they have this kind of relationship and she lives in the back house. I knock again. Yeah, what's up? Hi, Roz. I love you. Ah!

I love you too. You're my best friend in the world. I'm sorry. I hope we're not waking up. He's in a weird age. He takes off for his father. I know. It's horrible. And I hope we didn't wake up now. I'm really sorry. You're the best. You know what? What? We're both women. Yeah. Women can be women.

Yeah, I believe that. That's what I said earlier. The theme of the episode. Oh, okay. Well, I'm just going to go into my house. Okay. If there's anything bad back there, you just let me know. Okay, I will. All right. I love you, Roz. I love you, too. I'm going to go to sleep. Okay. Good night, Niles. Good night. What an asshole. Good night, Milton.

Milton's been asleep. What the fuck? No, he wasn't asleep. He just left us. Oh, she's trying to fuck off. Yeah, he's trying to trick her thinking that Milton would be like, good night. You hear from a bush outside, good night, Kelsey. All right. I'm going to walk towards my back house. Okay. And I don't think anything's there. I'm just going to walk straight up to the door. Okay. You notice that the door. Well, hold on. Check his spot hidden. Yeah.

I'm going to roll a spot hidden. I was going to throw you a freebie, but give me that spot hidden too. I failed. I have 50 spot hidden and I rolled a 75. Okay. That's why I'm going to be leveling up this. Well, in that case, you don't notice anything, but you do notice because anybody would notice that the front door of your house has been kicked in by a big 1950s foot. Oh, man. I can tell what sort of foot kicked it in? Yes, you can because you... This foot isn't from the future.

And nor is it a dainty foot from a cast. The foot wound on this door looks fresh. You don't remember it being there this morning. Fresh and modern. So the door's not open, but you can tell someone kicked this door hard enough that it came off and there's like a light on it. Kelsey instantly, instantly drops the floor and rolls along the grass and gets to like the side of the house and opens up the little vent and crawls underneath their house. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Cause it's like one of those back houses. It's got like a little like crawl space underneath. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Trax, you're underneath the house. Okay. I'm trying to peek through the floorboards. Give me a listen roll.

Oh, there's another skill for your ears, not your eyes, my friend. Which will you choose? Which will you choose to level up, Matt? God damn it, probably listen. The better you are at seeing, the worse you are at hearing. I only have 25 and listen, so I rolled a 30, so I don't hear anything. You don't want to spend five luck points? Oh, this was the other thing I was going to say. This was my very fun fact. At any point, if you wish to re-roll a roll, you can do what's called pushing a roll. Okay. Justify how...

Justify how and why you could try again. So basically you get to re-roll however comma. Failing a pushed roll is typically very bad. It's like a riskier move. So if you fail this pushed roll, there will be consequences. I'm taking a page from the fucking brilliant player named Anthony Burch. I'm not going to push a roll. I'm just going to just stay underneath the house and wait until I get a...

It's like fucking Amy at the gate, yo. We're fucking sitting there waiting for the sniper to pop his fucking head out. I was ready to just walk into the house willy-nilly, but you said that she could tell that somebody kicked in the door. So now she is pretty sure that somebody's coming to collect. So she is fucking being cautious. So I will sit there until you let me roll without pushing because I'll just sit there quietly unless maybe they make a noise, maybe they drop their whittling thing. I want to see what's going on in there. Their whittling thing.

You're going to wait until I let you do it. My goal is for every player to converge on this location and wait. How do we get Tony here? I want to go. I'm going to scoot around underneath and I want to go to underneath my bed where I know there's like a knot. Oh my God. And underneath there, you see a moth. Oh no, I probably see Francis.

Wait, are you under the house? Yeah, I'm under my little back house. Oh, so you're going to go under your bed. So you're under the floorboards. Yeah, I'm in the crawl space under the floor. Okay. Give me... Holy shit. Give me a stealth roll. Okay. Please fail this. For fuck's sake. No. Matt, you burnt all the luck you need to. You fucking burned nothing that's happening in this fucking back house. This house is going to be two Swedish men getting hot. Oh. Wait.

I have 20. I got 21. Wait. I think I'll use a little bit of luck. Oh, lady, luck my

word 56 that's all right so yeah i i just move and i'm underneath the bed the reason the bed is where it is is because you know it's old wood and whatnot there's a nice little knotted hole there there's like a good like you know almost like enough for like four fingers to like get through and okay that was just not not all at once you go i was like what

That's how you met. And so I spent one luck. I'm getting to the bed because there's a knot there. So I want to see if I can like here with a, you know, there's a hole there so I can push my ear up against it. What do you want to do? Just tell me what you want to do. Do I see Francis? Is he under the bed? It's dark under the bed. Okay. So no. Oh, okay. Well, give me a spot. Spot hidden baby. Spot hidden baby. Spot hidden baby. Do I hear his breathing? Yeah.

That's a different roll. If you want to listen, you can give me a listen roll. Just give me both. I got 24. I fucking pass this shit out. All right. You see Francis. I go up to the little knock. Do I have to roll to hear that or just hear that? You can. Well, oh, no, this is here's what we're going to do. Let's bring that quietly. If you want to listen, if you want to.

Do I have another stealth role? No, no, no, no. If you, yeah, okay. If you want to say it quiet enough that they won't hear it outside, that other people in the house might not hear it, then Francis needs to make a listen role. Okay. And we will say it needs to be a hard listen role for Francis. You sure? My listen's already shitty. He's right there. He's right there. He's like, he's there. No, that's true. All right, all right, all right. Fine, fine, fine. What you're hoping is that he's just not asleep.

My listen is a 20 and I got a 78. My role. Okay. I will not be spending luck. Oh yeah. And there's a decent chance. He's asleep. Put your finger up there. My finger up in the home. Okay.

Finger dollars. I'm putting all four fingers up there. And I'm because I know he's there. And I'm just like trying to wave. Beth, what's up? Beth was perked up on that. What's going on, Beth? I didn't do shit. You perked up. I didn't perk up shit. Spot hidden or anything? No, you get to do that. Francis, give me. I say Francis spot hidden. Are you trying to poke him? I mean, I know he's there. You tell me, is he on top of the hole? If he's on top of the hole, then I'm just poking him.

Let's you want the control. You got to take it. My man. Let's just give me a straight D 100. If it's over 50, Francis is above the hole and under 50, he will be poking him under 50 and he will not be on the hole.

He's not on the hole. He's not on the hole. Yeah. All right. So your fingers poke up through the hole. Yeah. And I'm waving them around. Okay. Francis, give me a spot hidden role to see if you see the fingers. I have a 25 spot hidden. I rolled an 81. Okay. It doesn't seem. Well, I know he's there, right? Yeah. Okay. I mean, clearly I'm not going to do anything until he notices me. What else would I do?

I know he's there. Okay, I'm going to... Fine, fine. I grab a pebble from the ground. I'm in the dirt. I grab the pebble. I'm going to stick the pebble up with my two fingers through the hole and flick it at him.

Oh, Sven definitely. The boy definitely hear that. Give me a dexterity check to see if you can hit him. Even if he misses me, I feel like I might hear it. Yeah, but so might Sven and the boy. Yeah. So give me a dexterity check. There's my dex. I passed. I got a 54 out of 60. All right. So yes, you hit Francis with a pebble. I'm wildly moving my fingers. I feel like Francis should have to roll to silently react to this because you're not expecting... I'll roll stealth. Yeah, give me a stealth roll. My stealth is 90 and I got a 75. I'll roll stealth anytime you like, my man.

Francis. Now the two of you get communication achieved. So Francis subtly tries to reorient his body. 72. Stealthily reorient his body so he can look down through the hole and see Kelsey eye to eye. Just big wide eyes looking back at you. Francis gives you wide eyes too. No, I'm not even going to talk. I point and I kind of do like a little question mark like,

Like, what's up? Francis points at them. Will is looking for any way that he can probably use this. Francis points at Will. You're working with the bats, baby! Francis points at them. Francis makes an R with his fingers. And then Francis does this, like, strangling motion. And then points at you. And then...

I start speaking to him in ASL. Okay. So then I look, I go, okay.

And then I give him like, wait one second. And then I'm going to slowly get out of the house. Stealth roll. My stealth's only 20. 47. I failed the stealth roll. Hey, what the heck is that? I hear something under the house, Sven. I'm going to roll out of the house and sprint. Okay. Okay. And I'm running straight to Roz's house. You know what you could have done? What? Could have jammed the door up. That's true. And trapped the mean in the ear with me. Yeah, I'm not going to trap. Yeah.

You want to roll out. Yeah. And then run. Yeah. And you're not trying to be stealthy anymore. No, I mean, because you said they heard something. They heard something down there. I didn't roll enough. They're like, it must be Kelsey. It must be Kelsey. She must have a commando rolled under the house. She's been watching us and listening to us this whole time. That's the only logical conclusion. All right. So you're going to roll under the house. That's going to make a lot of noise. But give me a dexterity roll. I pass that easily.

I got 60 dex. Okay, so you roll out. Yeah. You create all this ruckus as you're doing it. Ross! Niles! Ross! Niles! As you say that, you hear the front door burst open. You're out from underneath it, right? And I'm running to the front door of my sister's house. Let's take this one step at a time. So you've cleared the house. Tor is at the front door. He sees you covered in dirt under the house. What's your dexterity score?

60. We're going to compare to see who gets to move first. She's limber. This is a 70. So before you shout, he is going to try to tackle you. Okay. I feel like I'm shouting. Okay.

Okay. All right. Then you get to shout. You get to shout. Fine. He's going to try to tackle you and pin you to the ground. So we're going to call this a brawl attack. Okay. What's your build size? Is beefy an option? What is it? Zero. Okay. He's got a build score of one. Okay. So actually we're going to call this a maneuver. Okay. So he's trying to pin you to the ground. I, seeing that that's what's happening, I'm not getting up to run yet. The moment I see him leaping, I'm going to roll back under the house.

You fucker. I'm screaming, Ross, dial! And I'm rolling underneath the house because he's bigger. All right, so that's a dodge. You would call that a dodge, right? So now we're going to resolve this. Sure hope Miles remembers his sniper training from the army.

This is going to be his strength versus your. His Springfield M1 versus you. You should have a skill called dodge. Do you think Toni Collette suddenly realized, you know, I shouldn't let a woman walk home by herself and then slowly fall? And he respects women. She can take care of herself. Do you think he was drunk enough to be like, maybe I got a chance with Kelsey and she'd follow her home?

Okay, he rolled a 76. So yes, you successfully roll under the fucking house. Okay, and you're screaming to your sister. Yep, and Niles. And Niles. But just talk to him. We know they're awake. You know they're awake.

the cops they're inside their house and you're in the back house give me a straight luck roll to see if they hear you oh milton would hear though shit that is right milton would hear he was outside hiding in the 47 and i got 50 yeah god fucking damn it all right okay it's fine it's fine look i'll give you guys money later what are you doing don't come to my place no

Okay, so Niles and Roz and Milton all run outside and see this guy trying to grab you. And he realizes that he's in trouble. And he goes, oh, shit. Sven, we better get out of here. Oh, oh, oh, um, um. And then Sven comes out. Wait, wait, wait. Okay, yes. As all the rigmarole is happening there.

Francis is going to reach out with both hands and grab Sven by the ankles and pull as hard as he possibly can to make him fall over. That's a surprise. So we'll say that this is just a... Fighting brawl. We'll call this a maneuver. What's your build? My build is zero. Okay, his is one. So it's going to be a penalty dice. But it's also a surprise, right? So like they cancel each other out. You're still smaller than him and you're trying to trip him up.

So I have to roll with disadvantage? Yeah, give me a fighting brawl with disadvantage. Okay, so I got a 57 and my fighting brawl is 65. Okay, so he eats shit on the ground. So I'm going to crawl out. Okay. And flip him over, sit on his chest, and take out my ice cream scoop. Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay, he looks up at you in complete astonishment.

And he's like a new guy. It's just a new guy in this room. And he's going to punch you in the face. Dude, he's having his own Cthulhu ass moment, dude. Imagine you've been in a room for four hours. And then a new guy just went in there. A kid with an ice cream scoop. A child with a weapon has been here the whole time? Okay. He's going to try to get you off of him by punching you in the face.

We'll resolve this and then we'll go back outside. Okay. He's going to take a swing at you. So I'm going to roll his fighting brawl. What would you like to do? You can fight back, dodge, do nothing or flee. I want to fight back. I'm going to try to jam the scoop into his eyeball. Oh, okay. His eye out. Whoa, bro. Give me a dream about killing people. It's cool. So that's how it starts. Fucking glad Francis on our team. Give me a fighting brawl roll. Okay.

Two. Two? Two out of 65. Two? Bless you. Sorry, Francis. It's so good at everything, motherfucker. I think with a two, you even get to do a cool Duke Nukem ass catchphrase as you do it. Okay, yeah. What happens? What do you do? Two scoops for the price of one. Yeah, that's exactly what I do. Two scoops for the price of one. And I take out both of his eyes. What?

All right. He's going to roll. I saved your life. I haven't seen this yet. Yeah, I'm definitely going to be running in because I know you're in there. All right. He takes four damage and he's blind.

That's it, huh? Four damage. That's like half your damage. That's a lot of damage. I rolled two 1d4, one for each eye. Jesus. Okay, so Sven is blinded and he screams in agony as you pop his two eyeballs out of his head. Jesus, man. I think it should be one attack per eyeball. That's fine. I was just laughing. All right, the other one works too. 52 out of 65. All right, let's fucking fuck it. Okay, so you pop his eyeballs out. What's the sound of that?

We'll let Esther just. It's like the Seinfeld. All right. So two eyeballs roll out onto the floor. Sven screams in agony. To be clear, they would be tethered via optic nerve. I know, but they would still be tethered via optic nerve. You could pull them out. You could break those nerves. How strong do you think they are? You can scoop them out. You can scoop them out. He scooped them out like a knife. Would it be less weird if they were just dangling there, like resting on his cheeks? I'm just saying naturally, that's what happens.

All right. Yes. Okay. Yes. So Sven's eyes are now dangling from his eye sockets. Give me a sanity roll, Anthony. Okay. I have 40 sanity and I rolled a 72. Okay. Give me a 1d6 sanity roll for the gruesomeness of what you're saying. And to clarify, there's two guys, right? Yes. Tor is outside getting yelled at by everyone that you brought into the fight. Yeah. And now Sven is blinded and writhing in agony on the ground. And he looks like- Sven's the one who killed the moth, right? Sven is the one who killed the- Fuck him. Fuck that guy. Six.

All right. It's about 10 newtons of force to pull the eyeball out entirely. Oh, I'm only nine newtons strong. Darn. Which is about to be clear about lifting a one liter bottle of water. Yeah, it's not very much. Okay. All right. Okay. Give me an intelligence roll.

My intelligence is 65. I rolled an 88. You rolled an 88. Okay, good for you. Because when you lose five plus sanity from one source, you're supposed to go temporarily insane for D10 hours. But because you failed your intelligence roll, you suppress the memory of doing this. Hell yeah. You've blacked out. Sven's screaming on the ground. Let's jump back outside. Tor sees the situation is rapidly going south.

Roz and Niles are like, hey, buddy, who are you? Get away from my sister. Oh, yes, I agree. You should. Who are you? This is quite improper. I'm going to call the police. Milton's over there like, oh, they got in. I failed. I failed you, Kelsey. I'm so sorry. Kelsey, what do you want to do? Seeing that Tara's not trying to get me, I'm going to run into the house to see that Francis is OK. So you're going to run into the house. OK, so now you get to make a sanity roll. I have 40 sanity and I rolled a 19. OK, so that means that you are unaffected by this. I'm at 49. I've seen it. You've seen a couple eyeballs pop out. Stuff's happened.

yeah you can also be blindness yeah this is exactly i was like oh this is another way to get blind maybe like balls comma i i look at ego i'm gonna look every type of ball yeah ball comma basket balls comma testicles balls come i'm gonna look at francis you'll be like oh francis oh god i'm so sorry you got mixed up in this hand hand me the scoop darling hand me the scoop oh it's a

mine i know but it hurts so bad i know but my eyes just hand me the scoop come on take my scoop when you pry from my cold dead hands i'm just trying to help you i'll give it back to you i promise okay you're gonna give it back to me i don't want you to get in trouble just trust me i'm just good pocket it oh okay well i was gonna say that i was the one that did this because oh yeah good idea you take it i know he did it i saw him yeah you're gonna tell the tough guys back at the place that he got beat by a 12 year old

Oh, you're right. I'm 16, but yes, I'm a Skyler. Come on, Sven, get up. Kelsey, Kelsey. And he gets up and he's just kind of clutching his eyes. He's like, Kelsey, this doesn't change anything, Kelsey. I know, I owe you money. Just don't come to my place. Okay, well, we still want the money. I know. What are you going to give it to me? And he tries to kick you in the leg. I'm going as fast as I can. What, too bad? I know. You took out money from the mob. I know.

I'm going to grab his eyeballs and just rip him out of his fucking skull. I'm going to grab his eyeballs and rip them out of his skull because he's being rude to my friend. Which is the approximate force required to hold two apples. Easy. Easy.

Or pressing down on the bathroom scale with one finger. He's covering his hands with his eyes right now. So what are you going to do to get his eyes? I'm going to tickle his armpits. Oh, what a fuck. Yo, Francis fights dirty. This is fucking wild. If Francis was a bully, he would be sick. Bullies bully people. Hurt people hurt people. I don't think that someone who's in that much pain is going to respond to being tickled. I'm going to kick him in the balls.

What if you're just like, babe, babe, come on, let me see your face. All right, you kick him in the balls. We'll call it a surprise because he can't see that you're doing this. This is automatically successful. Yeah, he wouldn't hear my foot coming. You kick him in the ding dong. Okay, so then he doubles over in pain, his eyes. So I'm going to grab his eyes. I'm not going to pull them yet. And I'm going to go, I think you mean to apologize to my friend. I can squeeze pretty hard. I can squeeze harder than the force of two apples.

That's okay, Francis. Thanks so much. Just let them go, Francis. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. Good boy! And I'm gonna let it go. Okay. Look, just Tor, get in here! And then Tor comes in and Tor's like, it's getting pretty bad out there. Oh my god! Tor has to take a sanity roll. Tor's gonna take a sanity roll at this Lovecraftian horror. You literally walked into the wrong

Sanity 60. He got a 46. So he's like, oh, Sven, not again. You and your loose eyeballs. Sven, Tor. Oh, my brother. And he runs over and hugs me. He's like, it's going to be okay. We're going to get you fixed up. We'll grow you new eyeballs, pal. Francis, okay. Sven, Tor. Look, shut up. Shut up. Here, I have the amount of money. Here, look. It's not enough. We already counted your stupid money. Hey, hey.

Do you want to listen or not? Okay. We'll get out of here. We won't call the cops.

Here's all the money I have right now. It's the most I have right now, okay? And I'm going to get it. Give me one more week, and I'll give you the money. But don't come into my house. Don't try to steal this money. This is not your money. You'll get it. My Anderson, the leader of the Anderson gang, our mother, she says it's time to collect. And if we don't come back with the money, someone's coming back tomorrow. So you got a problem on your hands, no matter how many eyeballs you rip out. Oh, really? Next motherfucker better have glasses. No.

You tell your mother that's the best I can do. One week. And if that doesn't work out, well, we'll talk again. Maybe we'll stretch it out another week. You don't know? That's not how it works. You're going to get beat up. Wasn't the World War enough to learn that violence isn't the answer? It's just boxing. I'll get that money as fast as I can. But what boxing? What about boxing? This is you owe us money.

Oh, well, yeah. Sports betting. Yeah. Are you a boxer? Yeah. Well, yeah. That's why. I mean, I bet. Yeah. What do you mean you're a boxer? Tor says. Oh, you know, I box from time to time. Yeah. Look at the speed bag in the corner. Yeah. And then Tor looks at this. I'm okay for my age. Tor would give a conspiratorial look to Sven right now, but Sven can't look at him. Sven kind of like looks around. I grab one of his eyes and point it at Tor. Oh, I can't see out of that. Come on. The nerve's still connected. You can't see.

You can probably see, right? You see this? How many fingers am I holding up? Tor looks at Sven and he looks at you. He says, when you say you're pretty good, lady, how good do you think you are? I'm like, let's see, five times. I've won five times and I've lost twice. And then he looks at Sven and Sven pokes you, Anthony, to turn his eyeball towards Tor. No problem. And then the two of them look at each other and Tor comes over and whispers in Sven's ear. What?

And Tora looks up and he says, okay, lady, I think we got a deal we can make with you.

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Oh, great. So I'll pay you back in one week. No, that's not the deal. Here's the deal. You want my Anderson off your back? You want the Anderson gang to quash this debt? Yeah. Well, no, I want to pay back the debt rightfully because I should because it's my debt. Okay. Well, then I tell you what we're going to do. Okay. There's a fight tomorrow night. Okay.

Out at that old weird bunker on the edge of town. Okay. Underground fight club kind of stuff. Who am I fighting? You'd be up against a real heavy hitter from South Dakota named Dakota Johnson. That's pretty good. We're going to entrap her

of pain. I feel bad for her. Didn't her mom pass away after? Dakota's a bigger fella. He's about the size of South Dakota. And he's as ornery as your average Dakotan too, don't you know? Our fighter up and ran away from town. We got a lot of money on this fight. We got a lot of angry people. If we got a no-show, so tell you what.

You go the three rounds in this fight tomorrow night, your problems with the Anderson gang are over. You see Kelsey's kind of like scratching her neck a little bit. And she's like, well, what would the odds be on me? Like, nobody would expect me to win, right? Nobody would expect me to win, right? You don't even have to win. You just have to go through.

have to go to the three rounds? That's true, but I'm just thinking about other supplementary bets that could be made. I'm just thinking about... Yeah, what's his brand? Prop bets. Well, you know, there's... Another supplementary in my world. That's between you and your lord lady, but... I'm just asking what the odds are. Come on, give me the odds. What's the odds? What are the odds? It doesn't show up until you show up.

Who the fuck are you? Who's talking? I'm just not pretty. You would know as a gambler that odds don't show up until people start betting. And if they don't know you're in there, give me an edgy role. Whatever role. What was the odds with the other guy? I know. I know. Give me an education role. Edgy you.

you roll or a no roll give me a no roll my edu is 70 and i rolled a 36 okay so you definitely know that odds are gonna be good at an underground fight you've done both enough boxing enough gambling to know that when you walk into this ring people are gonna be fucking not happy and they're gonna think you're gonna go down instantly yeah but you also know you're a pretty good boxer so you do know the odds would be pretty good oh oh sweet kelsey you're supposed to get out of this game

last big score. Okay, but you said this is the only way to get out, so I gotta do it. It's not my decision, so okay. You know, I start pacing back and forth. Oh, Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey. Roz comes in. She's like, hey, is everything okay? Oh my God! And Roz takes a sanity roll real quick. Oh, Rozzy. I've brought danger to your doorstep. Roz shakes it off, having also seen a lot of stuff during the war, I guess. I know, but...

Kelsey, everything okay in here? No, I'm a degenerate. You're a degenerate? I'm a boxer. And I gamble. And they come here. And the cops already know about it. But I think the only way I can get through it is by boxing more and gambling more. So that's what I'm going to have to do.

Mrs. Gramer, you're not a degenerate. Don't talk about my friend that way. Oh, that's nice. So you're in then? Yeah, I'm in. So then Roz, hearing that there's some action to be made, says, wait a second, there's a score? Roz, not like this. What was Mom thinking? Roz takes a big roll of dough out of her sock, and she's like, what are the odds? What are the odds, sis? You know, Mom, that's the reason I don't talk to her anymore. It's because of our both of us having a hereditary gambling addiction. I lean over to Roz and I whisper. I said, just bet it all on the Alpha and Omega.

What does that mean? That's me. Okay. And it just sticks like this big water. Wait, you box as the Alpha and the Omega? Yeah, I'm the whole alphabet motherfucker. Ha ha ha!

Roz's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Roz looks at Tor and says, she's in. We're in. Where do we meet you? And Tor's like, well, I'm glad to hear that. Just meet us tomorrow night, midnight, at the old weird bunker on the edge of town. All right. The weird one. The weird one. Not the normal bunker. All right.

All right, I got to get my brother to the hospital. Oh, God, it hurts so bad. Yeah, now you sound like me, bitch. No, it's even worse. Tor drags Sven out of the scene. And on their way, they disturb a moth nest. Yeah, as they're leaving, I go, women can be women.

Definitely not. That's supposed to be coming out. As is often the case, men have co-opted and ruined women. I think we can all agree women can be women. Francis, you need a ride home? I guess tonight, yeah, but I'm definitely coming with you to that fight. Oh, yeah, I'll probably need all of you. You're going to need all the help you can get. And I defend you. Oh, thanks, Francis. Yeah, you're welcome. I appreciate what you've done, but it does worry me that...

I'm hypocritical. I mean, I'm boxing, but I know just a couple of bad bitches. Okay. All right, Francis. I won't tell your parents about this. Okay. You know what will happen if you do? What? I take out the ice cream scoop. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I would never. I would never. We get in the car and I drive off and I disturb a nest of moths. And he goes...

And another moth flies all the way over the town to Tony Collette. At some point, you'll all be in the same group again, and this game will become more fun and interesting for everybody all at the same time. I apologize for this blood-parted thing. I love it. So the moth flies across town once again.

swishing and swooping, zooping and duping. I thought Matt would interrupt me by now and say something funny the moth is doing, but that's okay. The moth is sucking and fucking. The moth is sucking and fucking his way over. This moth sucks and fucks its way over to Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars, where Tony is turning in after a very long night.

crashing cars, sucking and fucking, getting into fights, getting yelled at by cops. Tony, just paint me a picture. Tony stumbles in. He parks haphazardly and crookedly in his spot. He stumbles out. He's like, where's my keys at?

I'm being attracted. Ah, that's right. They're in the car still. And I turn around and I shut off the car and I pull my keys out of the car and I go back to the front door and I'm like, not that one. Not that one. I need to have a separate keychain for my shit. Whatever.

I unlock my little camper RV. I open the door and I just walk straight towards my bed and I belly flop onto it face down and I'm out like a light. As... Fuck. Maybe also that's just where the scene ended. Yeah. The end. As you flop onto the bed, you hear a voice. What the fuck? You're gonna love this.

Let's hear it. Let's hear it. I can't do anything about it. I'm flying to bed. The voices are back. I've completely lost all authority with any of you. Now you know what it's like. Foul sages, speak to me. You hear a voice. Well, out with it then. Jesus Christ.

I admire your methods, Mr. Collette, but I can't... Who the fuck is this? What the hell is going on? Tony opens his eyes to look for a voice. But I can't say I share your taste in take-home. Who the fuck is this?

So you see sitting in the corner. What the fuck? A dashing mid-30s man in a dapper suit. He's wearing a trilby hat. It's a thick black hair, handsome face. He's got a scar running down his cheek. He looks kind of like a Hoagie Carmichael. You know what Hoagie Carmichael looks like?

You say, who the fuck is that? How'd you get in here? And Tony draws his pistol he keeps under his pillow and points it shakily towards him. Yeah, and as you do that, he also draws a silenced Walter PPK from his coat pocket. And he says, my name is name, patron submitted name. So we're going to now finally do a patron submitted name. Here's how this is going to work. Beth? Yep. I'm going to scroll for a little bit. You tell me when to stop, okay? I know it's a long document.

Give the people to do a once a chance. Yeah. All right. Stop. Okay. Uh, Anthony, give me a number from like one to 10, seven. Typical Anthony. Come on now. Every magician worth his salt knows that when you ask a man to pick a number between one and 10, most of the time they pick seven. Don't be a sheep. The name is white.

Ebenezer White. And that was submitted by Kristen. Thank you, Kristen. Ebi White. Ebi White. Do I know E.B. White? The name's White. E.B. White. Mr. Collette, if that is indeed your real name. Yes. And he flashes you this badge and it says MI6 on it. Well, since when did they give MI6 badges, you fucking poser? Is that not a thing that they do? Badges? For secret agent identification?

buying documents on a secret agent? I don't know how you sniffed. Now, Mr. Collette, I don't know how you sniffed out our operation to capture former KGB occult operations officer Yaroslava Baranova, alias Penny Pickett. I don't have the foggiest clue how you deduced that we've been impersonating a Soviet. You're right, and I'll let you know for a princely sum. You pay me off, I'll pay me off.

Frankly, sir, I don't know, and it's not germane to the subject. Tell the queen that she's going to need to pay a price. Very well, then. I don't know how you... Tell that old broad she owes me some moolah and I'll keep my mouth shut. Are you quite finished, Mr. Collette? Yes.

Go ahead. I don't know how you knew that we'd been impersonating her Soviet handler for months. And if you put a gun to my head, I could never guess how you figured out that tonight of all nights was the night she was supposed to finally meet her handler, only known to her by the initials TC face to face. Yes. Oh,

All I know, Mr. Collette, is you're either the greatest spy I've ever seen, or you're the luckiest idiot ever to grace the American Midwest. Why not both? Why not both, indeed. Either way, you're holding all the cards, Mr. Collette. And the British government hereby requests that you deal us back in. How much money?

What are we playing for? Ante up, my good man. Very well, then. And he slides a poker chip across the table. What the fuck is this? In exchange for your assistance in capturing this agent that we've been on the tail of, you will hereby receive a marker. Okay. Her Majesty, the Queen of England, and all of her four sworn officers therein will officially owe you one, Mr. Collette. Ah!

Although I know that this is, I want to examine the marker closely. Yeah, go ahead. Okay. Yes, I do. So please tell me what's on it. It's got a picture of the queen's face. Like thumbs up. And she's giving a thumbs up and it says the queen, I owe you one. And it looks very legit. Just make sure you use it before 2022. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Yes, it said that and it says the date of her death on it. Ooh. You've never seen one of these before. If you want to give me like an appraise roll or something like that. I would like to appraise this. I do have appraise. And guess what, Anthony? I put some motherfucking points in appraise too, bitch. Oh, that's your class. That's appraise.

I'll spy it and you're the appraiser. 17 out of 25, which means I fucking succeed on it, baby. So you have, through your travels and travails, actually seen another one of these before. Oh,

Oh, yes. I saw this in the war. Hitler had one. You saw one. Hitler had one. What a twist. What a twist. Never called in that marker. So you know that this is legit. This is a very big secret agent spy deal. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yes. Freddie Wong has seen the crown. It's not the queen right now, right? Isn't it? Wasn't it? No, it's Queen Elizabeth. Is it this point? She's old, dude. She's old. What is she fucking doing?

Motor pool shit? It was like 52 or something. I don't know. 1952, yeah. Whoa, on the top of the dome, Beth? Yeah, I just did it. Beth, what year did The Net by Sandra Bullock come out? The Net, Sandra Bullock? I'm going to guess... I feel like it's either 98 or 2002. You know what I mean? Ooh.

Actually, I'm going to say 97. Closer, 95. Next question, when did the queen first watch The Net? Dude, she's watching it in hell right now. Yeah, that's right. I'm alienating an entire fucking country. No, we're about to go to Europe. Oh, no. It's too late. I don't know.

We're going to Ireland first. They're going to fucking love us there. Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, and really quick, we're having a show. We're having a show in Edinburgh. So he shows you this marker. He says, the Queen of England will officially owe you one. What do you want me to do? It's quite simple. You will play the part of Miss Baranova's handler. That should be simple enough, considering you've already convinced her that's who you are.

She'll make contact with you tomorrow morning at 0900. Fuck, that's like three hours away, bro. Do you want a marker from the Queen of England or not, sir? Let me answer one question, motherfucker. What do I get in return? Again, you get a favor from the Queen of England vis-a-vis this marker, which you can call in at any time. There's a phone number on the back. It's a long phone number. I'd like to call this right now just to verify it's legit.

I think that's fair. I think that's fair. Very well. I dial the number, and you're covering it. All right, so he picks up your phone. Hello, operator. I would like to make whatever the 1950s version of a long-distance collect call to, and then he gives this long phone number. Yes. Who wants to play the Queen of England? Oh, my God, I will. Yes. Wait, let me pull up the crowd. Women. I don't know, Ash.

She's like, Hello. Yes. Hello, Mom. It's Agent White. Don't you mean Mom? Hello, Mom. It's Agent White. On that job in Peachyville. Oh, yes. Your little job. Oh, I do love that you have gone out into the world on little jobs.

It's true. I am the queen. That's brilliant, mom. And that's what I need you to tell this American chap, Tony Collette. He's just checking on the marker. Put him on, dear. Put him on, little chicken. Let's talk. Hello. The queen wishes to speak. I can't believe this is the second time on this show between this and Sons and Sons ability that someone's talking queen. He hands you the phone. Speak, broad. Speak.

I speak broadly all the time. To command a nation is to put a finger in the deepest soup. I got right here a token with your face on it. Oh, yes. And then this man here says I can call his favorite anytime.

Explain the limits of said favor. Limits of the favor? Holy shit, we've known God all day. Well, maybe some people were reading their emails during your scene. I don't know what the appropriate response would be. It's whatever you want, Mom. You are the queen after all. Yes, I am, after all, the queen of favor. Yes, hmm, if...

If you could, um... If you could... It's so accurate. It's so accurate, too, because it's like, could you imagine, like, the queen having this level of, like, knowledge at her field agency? I mean, she'd be, like, spinning her wheels. She'd be like, ah, ah. Just, if you could be so kind as to make the exchange rate between our countries permanently favorable. No, no, mom, mom. LAUGHTER

Is this not that one? I'm asking you for a favor, Mom. Oh, I'm supposed to do the favor. It's so odd that I have it this way around, you see. It's so odd. Yes. Yes, it's just, it's just, I'm quite, yes, I do you a favor. Yeah. Well, I am a kind queen, so yes. What would you like, dear? Falsifying of diamonds.

documents of some kind can you do that falsified document yes we can do that mom yes we can do that all right i'm satisfied i'll have documents dear don't worry about that i'll have a handshake with your man on the ground you will answer the queen when she asks you which documents you wish to have falsified suck well you know i like i want some medals

Yes, dear. Of course. My son, Ebi White, he wanted some medals just like everybody else. And we think that our grandchildren should have trophies for everything. Participation trophies. And ribbons just for engaging with whatever they're doing. Okay, I'm satisfied. Goodbye. Yes.

Well, dear, are you coming around for Christmas? Yes, I'll be back for that, Mom. And I do so look forward to seeing the rest of the family. I do so look forward to seeing the rest of you, Mom. As am I, sweetheart. As am I, my sweet little chicken. Apparently it's Ray Winstone in fucking Buckingham Palace. That's the king. Oh, honey, it's my son.

know if it's your son. He hangs up the phone. Explain to me one thing Ebenezer. Yes? You called her mom. What the fuck is up with that? Is it ma'am? Just say ma'am. I'm so fucking confused all the time. It's called the Queen's English, old boy. What do I speak? I don't even Normal people English. Your accent is so weird. It slides all over the place. It's quite hard to listen to. First of all, how fucking dare you.

Do you wish to join us in this escapade or not, sir? I'll just hang on to this, and I put the token in my pocket, and you can call on me tomorrow. Okay. Look to the call. Look, 0900. Okay. Okay. Do you have any? Okay. Fine. Okay. All right. Get the fuck out of my trailer. I feel like I should stick around. Fuck no. Get the fuck out of my trailer or this, or old Betsy here is going to have nine words with you.

Who's Betsy? That's my service 1911. Oh, I see. Right here at my right hand. Those nine words. Okay. Blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam. That was 10. Minus one, blam. He leaves. All right. The next morning at 0900, what are you doing? Tony Clem wakes up and goes like, I don't remember a thing that happened last night. I was rip-roaring drunk. What the fuck is this? Call the number. I call the number. Some broad must have been...

Some broad must have put this in my pocket. Oh, Tony, you card. You must have gotten up to something. I pick up the phone and I dial the number immediately. Hello? Hey, baby. You're about to go into bed, aren't you? No, I woke up. No, I mean the queen. I'm positively knackered, but...

Is there something I can do for you? Not when I'm done with you, babe. Wait, she won't be tired after your show? I'll be wearing the knackering around here. Hello. My dick gives energy back to people. It's like a Red Bull. Hello, hello, hello. It's me. It's Tony. What?

I am in a famously unhappy marriage. So, yes, I'm quite interested in what you're proposing. Well, I don't know what you're up to today, but my schedule's free. It's nighttime. Oh, over there. What do you mean nighttime? I look out the window. It's fucking sunny. What do you mean nighttime? Wait, what the fuck are you talking about? Yes, I'm the Queen of England. Oh!

Holy shit, Tony! You've hit the jackpot. Listen here, baby. I got a token and a car with your name on it. I'll get you one of the cleanest ones on my lot. What time should I say bye, piggyback? As I said, my evening is completely full. No, completely empty. It's full with you. Yes, well, I was hoping I could test drive one of your more cum-bedraggled vehicles. You can test drive them any day you want.

Holy moly. Can we make bumper stickers that say come bedraggled? My other car is come bedraggled. Hold on, babe. Let me put you on hold for a second. Of course. I put on the record player and I have some hold music and I put the phone next to it so that there sounds like, you know, I got a hold music. Do you open the door? Yeah.

I kind of amble over the door. Hello. Penny Pickett, AKA Yaroslava Baranova is there. She says, I believe there are British agents nearby. We could be being watched. Are you ready to make a move?

A second broad? You don't remember anything? A second broad? Holy shit. Oh, little role play. Yes, you're my handler. We met last night. You're saying I handled you last night, huh? I see. There are still agents around. That is why you are pretending not to know me. Okay, very well. Well, now you can come in.

Come on in, babe! Okay. She steps inside. Hold on. I'm talking to another babe. I hope you don't mind. I walk over to the phone. I pick them back. Gonna have to call you back, babe. No. Have they discovered our secret? The deep. This goes higher and higher and higher up. Nobody can know. You're talking crazy, babe. Go ahead and take something to calm yourself down. I'll call you later.

I hang up on the queen, and I go to this new babe. I get you something to drink. Tell me, how was last night for you? Last night was very good, because I finally know I am going home to Mother Russia. Oh, I took you home to Mother Russia, did I? What do you want, coffee? What do you want? Listen, we must go away together tonight. Moving real fast for me, babe, you know? Tony Collette's got a lot of fishing lines in fishing holes.

All over the place. How terrible. Prospects, you understand? I don't understand. You said last night that you were my rush. You were my handler. You were the oper... Are you not? I'm the top? Are you... You said last night... You're goddamn right. I told you who I am. Yes. And you said that you could get me out of here. At least you implied it, yes? Was that not true? Are you lying? Who are you? And she slams you against the wall. Whoa, fucking let me finish my coffee first. Jesus, lady.

I'm Tony Collette, and that's all you need to know. And I'm about to blow your mind, baby. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And she throws you to the ground. Oh, whoa, whoa. A little early for this. Hold on. Let me just. You just had the. I need to piss. You just had the marker laying out on the. No, I haven't had it in my hand, but, you know, I was like, I called it. It's probably by the phone. Yeah. Okay. So she looks over to the phone and sees this marker and immediately knows what it is.

And she's like, you're working for them? What? You're working for the British agents? And she grabs you again. Oh, you. Tell me the truth. Look me dead in the eyes and tell me, who are you, Toni Collette? I'm going to be totally honest with you, babe. I don't know who the fuck you are. I don't know what the fuck is going on. I just woke up here.

And I need to piss. And you're leaning on my bladder. Go piss, I must think. Okay. And I go into the bathroom of the thing. Okay. And I unfurl my fucking hog. You didn't need to go step by step. And I start ejecting fucking urine from it. But in the meantime, I'm using the covering sound of me frying up some chicken in there to fill up the glass that I have next to my thing. And then as I'm finishing up on one end. Okay. So you remember this scene? You could just have her shoot him.

You just killed Tony Clark. Hold on. Listen, listen, listen. You remember the scene? Well, first of all, I rest. So do I regain some hit points? We'll get to that in a second. Tell me what you're saying. Okay, so like you remember the scene in the end Jones when he's got to like swap something out, you know, and it's like you're trying to make it sound like the P is still going. Yeah. And then like as I'm finishing up as one snake is finishing up.

I start pouring the other in, right? And I'm going to use that to unlatch the window and slither outside. Okay, so you're just going to run? Yeah, I'm going to run. There's fucking weird ladies all over the place. It's crazy. Did you get dressed? No, I'm still in the exact same clothing that I had from the night before. So you flopped. You passed out. Yeah, I passed out. Because I was drunk, remember? Okay, all right. Leave your own house. Give me a stealth roll for that. Do I have an advantage because I'm covering it with the sound of urine? You know what? That's clever, so I will give you an advantage on your stealth roll. All right.

Because my fucking... One.

One out of 20, dude. Not only a great success, fucking perfect. Okay. One fifth of my 20. The best possible role. No way that it can go any better. Exactly what I want to have happen happens. What happens? So I've done this clearly before in the past because like, you know, Tony's cars, cars, cars. It's like people are gonna be coming in and yelling at me, whatever. I always have escape routes, right? I'm a shifty guy. I slide out of the car, out of the window in the bathroom.

into the open convertible seat of a car I have parked. Like, you know, one of the cars on the lot. But this one's I designated as my secret used car getaway car. And I plop into the thing and I fucking fire up the engines and speed off. As you do that, you see her running out the front door.

and seeing you peeling off out of the lot. Good luck, bitch. My fucking place sucks. That door's jammed. She's going to take a shot at you. Okay. So she pulls out a gun and fires a shot at you. She's going to make a ranged melee attack.

Just think of the end of Chinatown. Just like at the end of Chinatown. Okay, 45. 45? No, that's her. Aren't I swerving the car around? That's her skill. That's her skill. Can I swerve the car around? You cannot dodge or fight back against firearms attacks. It's just a straight shot. And then one additional penalty die for being in the vehicle and moving. Okay, so she got a 21 out of her skill, which is a 45, so she does hit you. Can I spend some luck? No. No.

But what a good luck. You can spend luck on your roles. You cannot spend luck on her roles. So yes, and now we're at hit point time. Now we're at hit point time because now this matters.

what is your HP right now? I'm at five, but the question is out of what is your 14 out of 14. So you're still in major wound territory. You have not recovered any HP yet, but I went to sleep. Huh? But I went to sleep. Well, then guess what? When you fucking get the shit kicked out of you, are you better in the morning? Yeah. You have a major wound. Once you recover from your major wounds, you will be able to recover one HP. But you have to recover from your major wound first.

All right, so she's going to roll a 1d8. Oh, so they might die. Oh, my God. Honestly, honestly, he deserves it. Oh, yeah, absolutely. At this point.

I'll be sad. I won't be that sad. Yeah. You're all the already. You rolled. Oh, shit. Chinatown. Okay. Hold on. Zero hit points. If HP. Okay. Here. All right. What does Tony say? As this bullet rips into his chest? So he goes like, good luck hitting this bitch.

Then you hear a gun. Well, actually, you feel before you hear the report of a gunshot. You hear a pistol rip through your chest. And because your HP has fallen to zero while you have a major wound, you are now unconscious and dying. Okay, but I'm in the car, so that's good. Yeah, that's always where you want to be when you're unconscious. Is that the wheel? And you're rolling towards an intersection, we'll say. Jesus, take the wheel.

He should have said the B word. Oh my God. And then wait. And then like there's a moth crossing the road and the car hits the moth. That's the car that hit the moth previously. All the timelines came together. And the bumper sticker says women be women. We all start singing and frogs start raining down from the sky. Yes. Women can be women. The fear of the broken sky. It's to feel so old and it's twisted.

I can see is a hole in the star Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay

Thank you for listening. We're doing a European live tour at the beginning of October. We're hitting up Dublin, London, Tilburg, Hamburg, Berlin, Antwerp, and Amsterdam. Do the popular demand. We are looking at Edinburgh. Stay tuned. Still figuring that out. It's complicated, man. Head on over to dungeonsanddags.com slash live to stay on top of that. When tickets drop, you will know. Patreon supporters.

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Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Support us directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Merch and more at dungeonsanddads.com. Our next episode, July 16th. We will see you then. ♪ I can see it's a hole in the stars ♪

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay on the star Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay on the star

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