S3 Ep. 2 - Some Like It Hot
01:39:56 Share

This back-to-school season, you can count on Whole Foods Market to do the ingredient homework for you. They ban over 300 food ingredients, like high-fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated fats, and more. That's comforting when getting ready for back-to-school. From snacks to the condiments, their standards are truly best-in-class.

Speaking of, their best-in-class event is happening now, including an unmatched selection of allergy-friendly options without nuts or dairy. Start the school year off right at Whole Foods Market.

Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Anime Ham. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kinds of stuff.

Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. If you need a car, then come to Tony's Cars. We've got Chevy's Porsche and more at Tony's Cars. If you're looking for a steal on

On a pretty set of wheels, come on down and make a deal with Tony's Cars. Cars, cars! I'm Tony Collette of Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars, and I've got an absolute beaut for you today. A lightly used, heavily damaged Edsel Villager. This sweet kitty has it all. Teletouch push button shifting. A giant hole in the windshield. Optional seatbelts pre-uninstalled in the shiny, slick Ford Uzi smack dab in the center of the grille. Yours for $3,000 American dollar bills.

I know what you're thinking. Only three G's. Tony, you're mad. You've got brain damage. You're covered in blood and windshield glass. You should stop selling and start going to the hospital. Well, you listen to me, you son of a bitch.

I didn't dodge sniper fire on Pele Liu just to come home, win a bowling tournament, get drunk, fight my neighbor, crash my Edsel Villager into an all-American family home, fly through the windshield, and watch a big scary bug guy make off with the trophy we need to save a kidnapped little girl and not give you a great deal on a world-class automobile. So come on down to the house I crashed it into and drive off with the

car of your dreams today and be sure to tell me Tony sent ya bidding will now commence on lot 325 one radio advertisement recorded by Tony Collette person of note in the project heartland disaster of 1950 do I hear 300 for this item 250 200 150 this is a very rare item created by Mr. Collette just before the sold to the soaring crested gentleman for 150,000 human teeth

Our next item, Lot 326, one Peachyville Police Department evidence bag filled with burned human flesh recovered from Hal's Trophy World. Ah, that seems to have gotten your blood pumping. Do I have 500?

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. And this season, Dungeons and Daddies presents the Peachyville Horror. A Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. I love how you can tell that this time Will wrote the saga itself. Took two years. Two years. Never got a season two saga. Never gave Anthony any respect. If Anthony wrote it down, I would have looked.

Come on! I want to look at it too! I was endlessly confident that you would eventually grow into it, and you just never did. That's... Anthony? You should know better, Anthony. You should know better. That's on me, I guess. That's on you, bro. That's on you. My name is Freddie Wong. Hi, Freddie. Hello. I'm not used to sitting on this side of the table yet. It's weird. That's true. As you may have heard in the previous episode, Will and Anthony switched positions. Will now occupies the former seat. Anthony! I'm sorry. It's like...

silly. I had a caffeinated beverage before coming here. No more cokes for you before we record. No more soda pops, young lady. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Tony Collette, the fast-talking used car salesman with Riz. Riz. Wait, wait, wait. Just wait, wait. The fast-talking used car salesman. Do you want Will to write that for you, too? I wrote this one myself. I wrote this one myself. With Riz, Fizz, Jazz, and Jizzum.

Okay. Okay. That's right. Yeah, we'll then write that. With Riz, Fizz, Jazz, and Jizzum. Jizzum. Yeah. It's Jizz. Jazz and Jizzum. Is that the 1950s version of Young, Dumb, and Full of Cards? I think it is. This week's peachy fact, for a bit, you know him as Tony Collette, but his trade name, it is Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars, but it's run by...

Tony Collect, because he always collects on his debts. Count on it, bucko. Is it Tony Collette or Tony Collect? That's his stage name, Tony Collect. You know, that's how he's like. Wait, who has debts to him? The people who are renting out his cars. Yeah, he's financing on his cars, you know? This is the era of racking up debt, baby. Debts that will never have to be paid back. Love it.

Love it. By the way, a quick update for our live shows. Milwaukee and New York, we still have tickets available. They're going fast. And Southern California, we added the Father's Day show at the Wiltern. So check out our website, dungeonsanddaggers.com slash live. Okay, I'm done. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest schoolmarm. She doesn't take nonsense from anybody unless they got something to teach her, which at the end of the day, everybody does. So let's sit down and...

Sit down and have a chat, hon. A little peachy fact about Kelsey is that ever since she began teaching, she has taught every single child in Peachyville because there's only one school for a kid from kindergarten to fourth grade, except for there's one family that has three homeschooled kids. Whoa!

And she's looking for them. She thinks they need at least one year to be taught by Kelsey. She's looking for them. She's finding. Every time she's in the supermarket, she's like, oh, I recognize that kid. I know that kid. Where's those three homeschool kids? What's the closest? Do you know what I'm saying? What's the closest? Like Jason Bourne asked. I smell that. A new cologne.

That's a dad I haven't smelled before. I mean, what was the closest call? Maybe you can secret away the kid. One time at a playground, she smelled something. She's like, I've never smelled this kid before. Let's get it. I've never smelled this kid. Go ahead and mark on your character sheet that you can smell kids. Kids smell. Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I play Francis Farnsworth, the most bullied kid in Peachyville. And...

And my peachy fact for this week is that Francis, in an attempt to prove that he is a hero and that he's a courageous masculine man, tried to join the military, but they didn't take him because he has damp joints. What war was he trying to join? I mean, you can join the military when there's not a war on. That's true. Sorry, joining on spec. Damn, dude. There was a war going on in the 50s, though. It was called the Korean War. Do you get turned away because damp joints is pretty rough? How?

I'm Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, doting wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful homeschooled children. You're a Trudy Trout! Oh my God! How does Kelsey not know that she hasn't taught your kids? Hiding in plain sight, dog!

I like that Trudy has just like pointed at two other children. Like those are my kids. I've never seen your children. What a mystery. Um, peachy fact about Trudy is that Trudy actually didn't get her high school diploma because for her final paper, she wrote an essay about how cats domesticated themselves and maybe someday so can women. And, uh, that was frowned upon. Wow.

Wow. Was not accepted. She failed. She is not a high school graduate. I can't tell if that's sexist because obviously or if it's like less sexist because she's saying that women can do it themselves. That's a question you'll have to look deep inside yourself. A real Schrodinger's domesticated cat, that one.

Hi everyone, I'm Will Campos, I'm your daddy-o master. Hey! Goddamn, you look good in those jeans. Matt, there's only so many times you can say it before it's not a joke anymore. It's gonna be a long year. Your peachy fact for me this week is that teeth are the only part of the human body that cannot repair itself.

So if you break those things or someone breaks them for you, that's it. You buy it. You break it. You buy it. Okay. So then just keep that in mind. Yeah. Good to know.

Are you going to break our character's teeth this episode? We'll see. We'll see. That's our intro. I love it. This is now the end of the intro. Now, if it's all right with you, I'd like to start the part of the podcast where we play the game Call of Cthulhu, which is what we do on this show. I love it. I have to warn you, everything you're saying is being recorded. And a lot of people are going to listen to it. So just keep that in mind. Man, even me is talking about your genes. Let's all try to have fun. Let's all respect each other and enjoy a nice 1950s game.

When we last left off, your friend and co-bowling partner, Britannica Blue Girl Detective, had been kidnapped by mysterious men in masks, and they demanded that you bring their bowling trophy to 195 Peachy Canyon Road. Sort of a ransom situation. You raced over to Frances Farnsworth's house in

since he had your trophy. You were attacked by a weird bug man who absconded into the night sky with the trophy and also pretty drunk drove up Ford Edsel into the front door of the house. - Drove, regular drove. - I think we're gonna just start off in media res. You've just seen this thing fly out the window. - This looks bigger than a bat. - It looks like a big moth.

Like some sort of moth man. Beth, you have a moth man sticker on the back of your thing. I do. It's really distracting me because what does it say again? It says moth man is real and he's my boyfriend. Very good. Trudy, men don't fly unless they're in airplanes. It can't be a man and it can't be a bat because it's too big to be a bat. It must be...

You've already covered bats. I've covered bats. Bats are not that big. There are pretty big bats in South America. But that's under S, so you don't know how big they are. I was going to research that, but yeah, I'm not at S yet. And I won't learn about South America until I've learned about sex. All the aspects of sex.

Hopefully on the same vacation. Oh my God. By the way, just as you should DM, I'll tell you that it's now nine o'clock. The due date for this ransom for this trophy is 12 midnight. So you have about three hours to figure out what you want to do. Somebody catch me up. I just got here.

Oh, I'll do it. Yes, what's happened? Britannica Blue was kidnapped by, well, I don't know, but, um. We think the Italians. Mayhaps. So difficult. And we have to bring that trophy that that mothman just took to 195 Peachy Canyon Road. Or else what? Oh, I didn't ask. Oh, they said they were going to kill. And they.

They said that we are being watched and listened to, which is more than I can say at home. They can hear what we're saying now? I'm sorry? They can hear what we're saying now? Maybe, maybe we should talk in code. Come on, Juan. Francis's mother is like, I can also hear everything you're saying right now. Are you, are you serious? Francis, is this true? Uh-huh. Oh my gosh, my poor baby boy.

me boy and she gives you a hug oh good thanks mom but we gotta go get britannica back you know what and she pushes you back i agree this is finally your chance to man up this is your chance to do something brave and bold i've told you once the bombs drop we're gonna need survivors out there okay so you just go with these strange people and you find that girl and you save her and whatever you do don't trust anybody so don't trust these guys excuse me for a second your mom takes you aside francis what do you think of these guys what do you think

Well, the teacher seems pretty trustworthy. Okay. Trudy's definitely hiding something. I've taught you for five years. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm talking to my son. Okay. We'll just talk a little quieter. Okay. I'm in my house that your friends just drove a car through, by the way. Why don't you guys go downstairs and talk to my husband about the car and the situation there? I'm sure he has a lot to discuss with you.

Very sorry, ma'am. But Francis, what do you think? What do you think of these guys? Yeah, I trust Kelsey Grammer, or Mrs. Grammer, sorry. That's Mrs. Grammer, that's right. You treat your teachers with respect. Yeah. But not too much respect. I want you to form your own opinions. I want you to think freely. I want you to grow independent. That sounds difficult.

It is difficult. Life is difficult, Francis. Oh my God. Well, okay. So Mrs. Trout seems like she's hiding something really dark. There's something about her that makes me uncomfortable. I don't know what it is. Okay. And Tony Clegg is clearly just kind of a fuck up. Okay. Well, you stay with Mrs. Grammar and you listen to what she says, but again, form your own conclusions. No.

Listen to what she says. She's an adult, but not all adults are perfect. So half listen? So I want you to listen and I want you to understand, but I don't want you to, you know, just be bossed around by anybody. Okay. Mrs. Grandma, you can't boss me around anymore. You're not my teacher. Well, she's still your teacher and you should treat her with respect. What? I can't. I'm all the way down here. A lovely home. Can I whisper to both Kelsey and Trudy? Mm-hmm. Like,

Kelsey, Trudy. Yeah? I need you to distract this man. I'd like to go riz up Kimon Wan. What? I need you to distract this man. Her husband? Yes. Because you're going to riz? Don't worry about the details. Just work on your salesmanship, you know? Oh, okay. Her husband should be with you. Excuse me? It seems like Toni Collette would like to speak to your wife with you. Well, I actually, Mr. Collette, I'd like to speak with you for a moment, if you don't mind. Could you come down here, please?

Very well. So Ed is taking pictures of your car and he's taking pictures of the damage and like, what is that? What are you making photos for? Copious notes. Well, I'm just getting everything ready for when it comes time to settle up here for the damages done. Of course. Now, um, I see that it seems like you've been drinking. I'm noticing some empty bottles. There's no crime in that.

There isn't a crime. You're right. It's the 1950s and I researched this and there was no law against drunk driving. There's still the matter of that you did crash into my house. Do you have insurance? It's fine if you don't. You're not going to get in trouble for that because it's the 1950s. I have insurance.

Yes, that's right. Well, before he'll get those photos developed, you can repair the car or replace the car entirely. It will take ages for him to develop those photos. I was hoping you would say that you were volunteering to say you were driving. Oh,

Is that what I should do? I can't help but interrupt. I did see you crashing into my house and launch straight up the stairs. All right, just give it to me straight, Ed. Well, I feel like we've established duty of care. It's your car. It says Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars in big letters on the side. That's just for promotional purposes. I think we've established breach of duty in that you were drunk vis-a-vis the liquor bottles in this car. Those were old liquor bottles.

Causation being the damages done to my house by the car flying into it. So I think we have enough here for a lawsuit. As you know, I am Ed Farnsworth, the number one automotive collision king of PGville. So I just want you to know that you'll be served tomorrow morning. But other than that, you know, your house is my house. And I heard this sounds like there's something going on with a missing girl.

Yeah, that's what we need to take care of. So if you two men are done doing that, we should really get... Francis! Yeah? And so that's what I'm saying is you can't trust anybody, but you need to trust adults. Do you understand? Okay, I know. So trust them, but don't trust them. I'm so proud of you, Francis. Okay!

Okay, let's go rescue this girl. Yeah, are you coming with us? Well, I guess no. I'm going to stay here. Someone's got to help your dad clean up the house. And, you know, don't worry about tonight. We'll sleep in the- Jim, why not come along? Oh, you're up here now. He's leaning against the door. What are you doing here? He's leaning against the door. I was having a private conversation with my mom. I heard the gist of it. It's all right. She can come along. Why don't you come along? Accompany the man. Well, uh-

why don't you... Crazy. What a crazy evening. Yes. It would make me feel a little bit safer if my mom was around. Give me a persuasion roll to convince your mom to come with you. Can I help that with a charm roll? You can try. Kim Bowne. What a pretty name. Hey, Trudy. How are your little kids doing with the homework I gave them? Oh, the homework. Oh,

Yes. The work that they do at home. Yes. My husband works from home, you see. Mm-hmm. In his laboratory. Describe your eldest again. What did you say she looked like? Oh, little Tuck. Yeah. Well, he's smaller than Tucker. Uh-huh.

He's got two eyes and a chin. They've been under my nose this whole time. So I don't have any points in Persuade, so the default is 10%, and I rolled a 51. Okay, so that's a failure.

Freddie, do you want to help out? I'd like to charm. Okay. Listen, this is my only chance. Anthony makes fun of me and my mom all the time. It's my one chance. Anthony is the one who brought his mom into the story. Hey, you can fuck my mom. I'm completely fine with you fucking my mom. Honestly, I bet she's really good at it.

Why is everybody quiet now? I just said my mom's probably good at sex. It just seems like she has that vibe. It's fine. She should be happy. She deserves it. My charm is at 25. I rolled a sultry 21. Wow. Okay. So what do you say to Rizab Kamonwan? Hot. Hot tonight. What the fuck? Let the man cook! Let the man cook!

I, uh, opened up a window for you across the front of your house. Thank you. You were referring to the hole you drove through the front door? Pretty crazy, right? Uh, you know what? You know what, son? I think I better come along. I think I better come along. I think I better do. Just, I, I,

I think I better come along. And she grabs the shotgun and racks it. Thanks, Mom. We have an important decision to make. Are we to replicate the missing trophy that the big thing took, or are we supposed to get it back from the big thing? I don't know if we can replicate it in three hours. No, but we can do... I have a husband who...

I do. Yeah, no, I think your idea of replicating is not bad. We could do, you know, like those Westerns where they like exchange like hostages or whatever we can make. It doesn't have to look perfect. Just has to look a little bit like a trophy. Put it on the ground. We step back. We say, bring us the girl. She walks across towards us all dramatic like.

And then we get her and then we run away as they go and pick up the trophy. And yes, yes, I like that. It's a fraud. Do I bowl? Yeah. Does it look like I bowl? I don't. I play golf. I'm a scratch golfer though. Do you have any trophies? You know, I do have a trophy right here. It's not for bowling. It is the trophy I got from the Bar Association of Nebraska for being the number one most litigious auto accident attorney ever.

Of all time. It doesn't look like a cup with two handles. Never mind. However, you're free to look at it if you want. And he hands you the trophy. How close does it look to the other trophy? Here's the thing. The top of it is completely different. Okay. But the bottom is identical. Oh, no, it's a great trophy. Can we borrow it? Can you borrow my trophy? What do you need my trophy for? Well, to save a girl's life. Oh, well, in that case, you can borrow my trophy. Oh, thank you so much, sir. You could also, you know, like there's only one trophy place in town.

Howl's Trophy World. I bet the other guy got his made at Howl's Trophy World. Oh, okay. Why don't you just go see Howl? Well, it feels like late at night and it feels like we have a trophy.

That's true, you have a trophy. Matt has no fucking interest in side quests. So a girl's life is at stake. Of course, we all know how. It's your adventure. You do you. And he gives you the trophy. All right, great. The top is different, though. The top is a gold maquette of a lawyer with a little suitcase. And he's pointing like objection. Do you know what I mean? I step aside and I just slam the trophy on the curb to break the top off. Oh.

Well, far away from everybody. I was like, I'm going to go outside. We're all ready. Let's go save, you know, let's get going. Everybody, it's almost midnight. I walk outside. It feels like Ed gets to do a spot hidden role. I mean, no, you told her. Ed's like, look, you said you're going to save a little girl's life with it. The real trophy is this. I slipped. Oh, gosh. I'll glue this in the morning. I'm sorry, Ed. That's okay, little missy. Oh, you know, you know how us teachers are. Yep. Always great. Always saving. Always saving.

Teachers be slipping. That's what we always say. Smashing trophies. Just to clarify, what I thought you had said, this is what I thought you meant, which is that the trophy looks identical to the bowling one. No. And then it's like somebody stuck...

A lawyer on top of the bowling one. On top of the cup, Matt? What you're saying is that we're missing the top half. Yes. Which is bowling. You have the base of a trophy from Hal's Trophy World. Okay, explain to me what the bowling one looked like. The bowling one was like a cup. Do you know like a loving cup? Like one of those two-handled cups? And this one's a loving cup with a lawyer on top. No! You said the bowling cup.

I did a very good job. He said the bottom half was identical. The bottom half is like the pedestal that the cup is on. And it says best bowler. And it says number one auto accident attorney. Oh, six years running Nebraska bar. And this girl's life being in our hands is really, I'm sorry. We actually don't need this trophy. Um, and it was like, yeah,

really sorry. We could just find a cup. Well, it just gave us a really good store. We should go to open. Are they open at nine?

Are they open at 9 o'clock? I don't know. I don't work there. You could go to Tower of Fear. I know that personally. Let's go to his house. We're going to keep your trophy just in case we need to use it. And let's get out of here. We've already done a lot. It's 9 o'clock. It's past everybody's bedtime. You guys go to sleep. I'm going to call them on the phone and see if they're open. 1-800-BIRTH.

I mean, yeah. Ball? Because they have trophies for ball games.

Yeah, for ball. Remember that trophy you got for ball in high school? 1-800-BALL? What was the name of the store? 1-800-BALL-BAT? No, it called ball. That's what the trophy is. Judy calls 1-800-BALL. 1-800-BALL, the first 1950s sex line. What's your request? We talk about testicles. We talk about... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. About big beach ball-sized muscles. My name's Hank Thaddeus, and I'm the phone sex guy. I'm starting phone sex in the 1950s. Oh!

And you just called 1-800-BALL. This call will be 25 cents a minute. 25 cents a minute? Oh, um... That's a lot, right? Well, what do you do? You're gonna bang from my mom! And what do you do with the muscles? Uh, I kind of just look at myself in the mirror and flex them. That's what I'm doing right now. Oh, oh my! Is Ed open or not?

And are you open? No. Can I talk to this man? No. Oh, my God.

I'm always open for business. I'm Hank Thaddeus, and that's my name. Trudy turns beet red and gets really warm and then hangs up immediately. They're open! Let's just go! Let's just go! Yeah, well, let's head over. Excuse me while I back this car out. No damage apparently. I lean over. I want to whisper to Trudy. I go, hey, Trudy, if you ever want to call that number but don't want the bill to go to your house, you can always just come over to my place. Oh!

You know, it just seemed like you really needed that phone call. Well, well. Just be careful. That's all I'm saying. Don't call that number at your house. I won't. Okay. The number is, the only number I can remember is 195 Peachy Canyon Road. Okay.

Everyone pile in. Pile in. All right. So I got these two pieces of trophy. What are we doing with this? We're going to Trophy World. We're going to forge a new trophy. Okay. Yes. Or I suppose buy the exact same base as it seems to be a fairly common base.

Planning for your next trip? Elevate your travel style with Quince. Quince has all the jet-setting essentials you'll want for your next getaway, like European linen, premium luggage options, buttery soft Italian leather bags, and so much more. And it's all priced at 50 to 80% less than similar brands.

Plus, Quince only works with factories that use safe and ethical manufacturing practices. Pack your bags with high-quality essentials you'll be wearing for vacations to come with Quince. Go to quince.com slash pack for free shipping and 365-day returns.

Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Chime. Ding dong. It's expensive. Ding dong, motherfucker. Chime's at your fucking door. We're here. Open the fuck up. This is Chime. Open up. Open up. I'm getting swatted by Chime. Swatted with savings. The Chime checking account helps you reach your financial goals while still enjoying your summer. Take back your finances with features like fee-free overdraft with up to $200 with SpotMe or getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit.

Chime is one of the financial institutions with a little sense of community because they got a lot of referral features. So you can get temporarily increased overdraft limits with boosts from friends. You can give your friends boosts. You get fee-free overdrafts of the $200 your next deposit applies to your balance. Get spotted with debit card purchases and cash withdrawals. No monthly fees or maintenance fees. Over 60,000 fee-free ATMs. To date, Chime has spotted members over $20 billion. Eligible members get complimentary boosts to temporarily increase a friend's spot me limit.

And when you give a boost, they could boost you back. It's just like mutual boosting, dog. It's called docking. Set up direct deposit into your Chime account. After a qualifying direct deposit of $200 or more, Chime will notify you to enroll in SpotMe. And then when you get an activated debit card, Chime will spot you up to your limit when you exceed your balance. Chime never charges fees or interest for using SpotMe. And your next direct deposit is applied to your negative balance. Live it up this summer and make progress towards your financial goals with Chime. Open up your account in minutes at Chime.com slash daddies. That's Chime.com slash daddies. Chime. Feels like Prague.

grass here we go Freddie Wong coming down the pipe with the bank and a fucking whatever the little thing the disclaimer here he goes banking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp Bank NA or Strive Bank NA members FDIC spot me eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply boosts are available to eligible Chime members enrolled in spot me and are subject to monthly limits terms and conditions apply go to chime.com such disclosures for details

Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo. Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, whey, whey, whey. Kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? Yeah, what is that? I love you, Dad.

You are doing a good job. I know it's hard to be a parent, but you're hanging in there. Not guaranteed. Thanks so much for this wonderful KiwiCo you got me. Your kid's got a deep voice. With KiwiCo, there's always something new for kids to discover, like engineering robots or learning about the science of ice cream. It's cold. It's just cold. That's all it is. What was the project you've been doing, Matt? There's other stuff, too. Yeah, there's more about it. Yeah, what have you been doing? It's got to freeze fat in there. That's why you can't just use olive oil all willy-nilly. What have you been doing, Matt? What have I been doing? With your kid, not, you know, with KiwiCo.

We did the hydraulics thing, so I kept the mechanic vibe going. We got this little... You golf, Freddy. You know how they pick up golf balls on the ground? You know, at the driving range? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built this little... It's not a sweeper, but it's kind of like a little chompy... It looks like a little whale, not like a golf cart. Not like an armored killdozer golf cart. No, no, no. But it was fun to build, and you could decorate afterwards, so my daughter had a good time. But it teaches something about mechanics and how gears work and stuff, and it's just fun to run around and pick up stuff off the floor.

Get 50% off your first month on any crate line at KiwiCo.com with promo code DADDIES.

That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. There are so many fucking clues in this house.

No! What? Clues? Clues! We know we're paying. No, it's too late. You're going to Trophy World. Yeah, everyone piles this. Andy, did you know there's clues? No, I didn't. What do you mean? We know where they are. They're going to be there at midnight. We just got to get the trophy. Yeah, hey, hold on. Farnsworth, you know your house well. No, it's too late. You've turned around to Trophy World. Hey, Farnsworth, tell me about all the clues in your house.

Like, what the hell is up with your house? My hair's full of clues. Does Francis' mom have any clues? Yeah, mom, did you get anything from the wreckage of that weird Mothman that fucked me up? You know, maybe someone would have seen a way to go find Mothman, but we'll never know because we're on our way to house. I didn't have a man following the Mothman. That shit freaked me out. That was crazy. That was crazy. That was a monster. That was a living monster. Do you understand?

You know how crazy it is to chase a living monster. Tony, Tony, Tony, we have a child with us. Let's calm down on the monster talk. We have a trophy. Okay. I'm sorry, Kim Wan. I've lost my cool there for a second. So all of you and Kim Wan Wan and her shotgun hop into your Ford Edsel, which only took, I think, four points of damage or three points of damage last time. So we'll say it still drives. And you head into town. You can have right now, just get a lot of photographic evidence and then you can claim that she was driving it when it crashed.

What do you think Tony's doing, baby? What do you think Tony's doing? Okay.

Oh, come on. Why don't you try? Come on, why don't you try to get your hands around the wheel of this large American automobile? I think I'm okay, Patrick. Give it a shot. I'll work the pedals, you work the wheel, baby. I'm just going to keep this shotgun pointed at the back of your seat. Stop trying to fuck my mom. I'm not trying to fuck your mom. Is he still drunk? Yeah, well, that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. I notice there's no seatbelts in this car.

They're optional. This way you can slide around.

I really feel those turns. Whoa! Shake this out. I pull a right turn. Oh! That's right, baby. That's what they used to do. You know how people get like Teslas and they set to like ludicrous mode and everyone's like, oh, it's like being in a roller coaster. Back in the 50s, they just took 90 degree turns. That's all it took, baby. Are you under the impression that cars couldn't turn right until the 1950s? Well, like, you know, like we could slide around, pick bench seats. Ha ha ha!

All right, all right, all right. You make your way to town. Shakily. Shakily to town. Some swerves along the way. We'll say it's now 10 o'clock. Tony, you know what? You're all right. Kelsey's really enjoying this ride. Turn more. Oh, no problem. That's what this wheel does, Kelsey.

Kelsey, would you like to try this thing? Give me my camera. Someone give me my camera. Well, Tony, no. I would love to try, but not if you're going to photograph me for evidence for your crime. That's a fair shake. You're a straight shooter. You arrive at Hal's Trophy World. It's closed. It's very closed. Open up. Your kids better be doing homework.

Terminator as Marv? George and Julie, come on, open up for your teacher. Kids are terrified of this woman, right? Like, could you imagine? It'd be like you're about to go to bed and you hear her voice out your window. It's like Night of the Hunter where her shadow's just on the wall. Could you imagine that? Oh my God.

These kids are getting their times tables. She's got like math and English tattooed on her knuckles. I'm going to roll spot hidden to see if there's a secret key somewhere. Oh, I love that. Give me a spot hidden. Oh, no. I got a 79 and my skill is at 50. Okay. So you don't find anything. I don't see shit. You don't find anything, but you do see, despite the fact that the door is locked and the windows are like boarded up, there is a car out back. Oh, my God.

And you can see like a crack of light coming in from inside. Can Kelsey roll history to remember if she did notice any clues a few hours ago at the house? You fucking cheater! Fuck!

Yeah, go ahead. Give me a history roll and I'll give you a clue. You know, it's really for Will because he works so hard on the clues. I don't know. I failed. So there's a car here. There's a car here, but the place is locked up. I pound on the door. Toodaloo. I mean, hello. Wait.

Hello, Will's Advice. You're good, Trudy. Your first Will's Advice, Trudy. Yeah, you did fine. So the door cracks open an inch, and you see a man on the other side. You can't quite see his face, and he's like, what do you want? Who is this? Oh, we just need a trophy. Who am I talking to? Emergency! It's an emergency! Fellow Chamber of Commerce member Tony Collette. Tony Collette! Here. Oh, are you guys guttural scream? Yeah. Oh, you better come in. Quick, quick, quick. What? Is his face going to be all...

scary when we stay in the light? Is he going to do something to her teeth? So he opens the door. There's nothing wrong with his face. Okay. Hair looks a little wet. Oh. With what? So he lets you all in. Come in, come in, come in. I'm going to stay here at the door though. Okay, that's fine. I

As he opens the door, at the back, you see a trophy basically identical. Oh, cool. Oh, can we have that? No, no, no, no. You guys got to come in quick. They're looking for you. Who are we looking for? Everybody. Everybody's looking for you. They're everywhere. Haven't you seen them? No.

Haven't you seen them outside your houses? Oh my God, they're going to fucking get in. Okay, let's go. Oh, fine. We go in. So inside you see this store. There's trophies everywhere of all shapes and sizes. We could really fuck up a generation by giving them a lot of these. I've got this new one. It's called a participation trophy. Your kids are going to love it.

He's like, how do I sell trophies to stupid kids who can't win anything? That's a mark we're missing out on. Fonzo, don't you feel like you could have used some of these and you would have helped? The problem is that we only give one trophy per event. So he's like, okay, come in. Go ahead and close this door. Fonzo's trying not to be intimidated by all this excellence. So, you guys won the trophy. You're my mom. Yeah, we won. You, but I'm also kind of negging you in the attempt to... You can't fuck my mom by negging me. That's not transitive. Francis, do you think you should be talking about your mom like that when she's here?

Who's she? I said there's a four-man team. Who the hell is this? This is my mom. Why is your mom with you? I'm here to protect him, sir. Because sometimes I get scared. Okay. I guess you can come in, too, as long as you guys are all together. You're all part of, you know, Gutterall Scream. That's good. Yes. Look, you won the trophy. Yeah. You've seen the trophy. But we lost it to a giant monster. I heard about the monster. And the monster didn't even leave any clues as to how we could find him. There's no trace. No.

I've been thinking really hard about what we saw, but it's just mostly a car crash is what I remember. It's almost scary how quiet it was. I remember that trophy. What did you see when you looked at it?

Uh, it's not my face. Kind of weird. Hmm. I'll be honest. Ever since I've turned 40, every time I look in the mirror, it's always a little, it's a little different than I remember. I saw myself smiling. Yeah. Well, that's never happened. But like in a fucked up way. How about you, Trudy? Oh, yes. I remember that. Well, let me tell you, you should have seen the original like I did. The original? Well, the original before I had to cover it up for Mr. Friedman, the bowling alley owner, of course. Okay. The original what? The original of the trophy. The cup. We had a fake trophy?

Fake trophy? We had a fake trophy? It was there. We just had to cover it with a little bit of gold lacquer to keep it from people. You see, Mr. Friedman, he gives me little trinkets now and then to cover up so that he can pass them along to the powers that be without the ones who watch watching. That's how we're able to move them around. That was kind of what happened. They were supposed to get the trophy because under the trophy is the cup. And the cup is very important. And it seems like you guys got it. Now everything's out of control. Everything's a mess. But don't worry because...

I saw things in that cup, man. And you don't want any part of that. Just let me tell you. You don't want any part of what was in that cup. Team, this man is speaking like my cousin Susie after Little Botany. Yeah, I was about to say, Tony, you found more. I'm not at sea yet, but this does feel like, is this a communist? He will run. We should shoot this man. Use your shotgun.

Mom, don't shoot him. You got bad vibes. As you guys are talking, you notice something, which is a smell in the air, which is like a harsh chemical smell. Trudy would know chemicals used to clean a house with very well. Oh, yes. You recognize turpentine. Oh. And you recognize paint thinner. Oh. And you know from holding them up to the stove to read the instructions that both of them are very flammable. Oh. And this place seems to be reeking of them. Hmm.

interesting and right as that realization comes to you you hear the deadbolt slideshow no remember I said I was standing next to the door you say okay well you hear the deadbolt slideshow next to you next to the door I'm telling you I saw I saw something very bad I saw something bad

in that cup. It's going to happen. It's going to happen right here. I saw the bison screaming and brave Zuzel rising in the light of Adothi and I saw the maggot whore groaning as she read from the book of many eyes and I saw the best minds of Peachy Bell destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical, naked. But you will be spared. You will be spared. You will be spared and I will be spared.

by the flame and he sparks up a Zippo that's now in his hand. And you realize that his hair is wet with the same paint thinner that he's been dousing his place in. The moment, being a lover of cigarettes, the moment she finds a Zippo, she wants to try to grab it. Okay, go for it. Is that dex? That's an opposed dexterity roll. So he's going to roll his dexterity. I rolled a 98. Oof.

I think a 98 is a fumble. A fumble in a trophy shop. Instead of grabbing his Zippo, she just pulled out her own Zippo and lit. And just hold it and be like, I got it. Oh no. And he says, no, no, no, no, no. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's everything's going to be okay. Everything's going to be fine. You slipped in the gasoline easily. That's your fumbles. You went for his thing. You slipped on the floor because you're actually standing in a huge puddle of paint, which is now splashed onto your clothes.

We said, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. I just want you all to close your eyes and just be ready to embrace the flame. Mom, maybe shoot this guy. What are you crazy? If I shoot him, he's going to drop the zip on this whole place is going to go up. Oh yeah. Maybe not. Plus the spark from the gun. Kelsey's being very quiet and Kelsey is trying to like slip underneath him. Hoping that if he drops it, she can catch it. Okay, good, good, good. I like that. And Tony would like to try and fast talk him by pulling out his Zippo. Okay.

Go ahead. What do you say? Has he sparked up his Zippo? He sparked it up. I sparked up mine. I'm like, ah, yeah, right there you go. Zippo lighter. One of America's best. Yes. One of America's best. And we must protect this country of ours. But what you should be really caring about is the new Zippo. Have you seen the new one? New expanded features. The post-World War II update. What is it? What is it? Oh, my goodness. What are you talking about? First and foremost, it's the Naphtalong.

Why not bother with clean kerosene? Greater burn, greater efficiency. It no longer imparts a taste on the cigar. He's trying to sell him his Zippo, which is like, ah, this is the new version. This is where I stand with this, the Ike version. Give me a fast talk roll. My fast talk, which I put a lot in, was 55. I rolled a 56. Oh, no.

now i will remind you guys you have the same way that we did in mountains of dadness you have a stat called luck uh oh that's right so it's a luck roll but you can also spend a luck point to nudge a dice roll a point oh i want to do that you can do as much as you can if you want like 65 so i could use like a ton to like grab the zip over yes we are saying that that is a thing that okay very good i'm

I'm going to nudge it down one to just be a narrow success. So yeah, he is distracted by Tony Collette's fast talking Zippo sale. Like as he's looking at your thing, he's like, oh my God, I almost burned this place down with a shitty Zippo. Like, well, oh my God, that would have been so embarrassing. You're looking for length of burn,

My man, how long can that one last? What? 45, 50 seconds. That's right. Your Zippo is much better than this one. Well, show me how it works. Show me how it works. While he's distracted by the Zippo, Francis would like to try to sneak past him and grab the other trophy that looks identical to the one that we're trying to get. Okay. Smart, smart, smart.

Give me a stealth roll. I got 90 into stealth. Okay. I rolled a 73, so it's a success. Nice. Yeah, you've made it over to the trophy and you've successfully grabbed it from the wall. I'm going to try to sneak back towards the door. Okay. Are there any other exits in there? You see there's a back room. There's a back room. And what was the god he said?

Zazu? It was... Wait, that's the guy from Lion King. Yeah. You heard him say Brave Zuzel. Brave Zuzel. Z-H-O-U-Z-E-L. Z-H. Well, you don't know how he said it. This is a non-Euclidean terrifying language. This is only us humans trying to say the true name. Do you know what I mean? Matt was like, oh, A or B? A or B, maybe? That's my secret power.

No, the furthest thing. Take one sanity point for hearing the letter Z. The furthest thing. The furthest thing from the letter A. Z is like... Every time you hear something in a Z, you're like, there's so much knowledge left. I'm so far from understanding the true nature of things. Every time she hears a Z word, she goes like, I'm never going to finish this encyclopedia. I'm going to die before I do. Give me a sanity roll. Oh, I got a one. All right, great. So sane, babe. She believes in reincarnation. She goes, that's just another life. I'll get to Z. It's okay. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Write down beliefs and reincarnation on your character sheet. That might come back later. What's Trudy doing? I think Trudy is going to check that door to the other room. Are you going to try to sneak over there? What are you trying to do? Yeah, I will try to stealthily go over there. Okay, great. Give me a stealth roll. God damn it, I failed. Uh-oh. What happens while you're going over there? How do you give yourself away? I think Trudy's just like,

I hope I don't get caught. And Hal sees you sneaking towards him and says, no, no, you stay away from him. You're all trying to trick me. I know it. No, you almost had me with your fast talk, but I see your friends are all sneaking around me. So you know what? I don't care about those friends. He drops the Zippo. Oh, no. Right underneath him. Give me a dexterity roll and hope you do well. It's landing on you and you're soaked in gasoline right now, basically. I got luck. Okay.

My dexterity is 60, and I got a 63. Okay. So I'm going to nudge it. Three points. Three points. I'm going to do four points. Okay. Now remember, your luck is permanently lowered now. Yeah, yeah. I got a 65 luck. Okay, great. So there we go. All right. I got 61 luck. Oh, no. So you catch it with your two fingers. No, no, no. I use another point of luck, Will. I got plenty of fucking luck. Yeah, dog! Assert dominance, man! I got a fear $50!

other one why not keep talking i'll use more i'll just kill your character faster that's fine 58 buddy i'm down to 58 you really show them all right hell yeah freddie tell me how you catch this extra luckily oh extra luckily you know what since it's that lucky kelsey the moment i fell she went oh no and she like thought about her death that she just put her hands up to protect herself but her hands haven't touched the gasoline yet or anything it just lands in her hands oh that's really

Trudy looks over to one of the trophies and it's like that pose exactly. She's like, oh. LAUGHTER

You go insane. That's a saddy check. It lands hinged cap first, so it just like closes up. Yeah, it closes. Oh, okay. It's quick and it's closed. The second you hear the hinge cap close, come on, Juan, because she hasn't gone yet. She is going to crack him across the face with the back of the shotgun like a baseball bat. Okay. Baseball bat. That's a B. Like a baseball bat. Yeah. Ooh.

She takes a swing and he ducks under it and he sees your Zippo, which is still open, Freddy. And he dives to tackle you. Can I toss it to him and then bluff him, then deck him across the face? I'm trying to like throw him off. Why don't you just deck him? All right. I could just deck him. It's up to you. No, no, no. But we'll call this a maneuver, essentially. Don't give the man fire, please. This is cool. I mean, like, I'm not.

No, but me as a person who will be first. Don't give him the ladder, please. Your options are when you are attacked is you can either fight back, you can dodge, or you can do a combat maneuver where you essentially try to maneuver them around. So this isn't really a maneuver, but we'll call it like a psychological maneuver. Here's what I was thinking. As he comes in, I'll be like, huh. And I like...

Take my very chrome Zippo and I try to flash his eyes with it, you know, with the glare of a lamp. You know, there's just a pinprick source. That tiny bit is the difference between life and death in a hand to hand combat scenarios. The USMC teaches this to all the Marines who are stationed in L.A.

the Pacific. They know. That's how we won the Korean War was a bunch of Marines just shining lights into people's eyes. Any advantage you can get in the moment, in the heat of battle, can be the difference between life and death. So you are trying to shine your shiny chrome Zippo so that he like is dazed for a second. So that he blinks and then I can judo him around towards the back room. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to call this a judo flip.

What's your build size? My build size is one. All right, so he's smaller than you. He's a trimpy little man. He wants your Zippo. He's trying to grapple you. So are you going to try to fight him, dodge him back, or do you want to do an opposed maneuver? I'll do an opposed maneuver. Okay, great. And you're bigger than him, so he gets a disadvantage dice. So he fails his maneuver. So you're trying to flip him? Yeah, I'm trying to basically grab his arm and spin him around towards the back room. Let's call that a strength roll.

66 off of 70. I succeed. He fails to grab your Zippo. Just describe how you throw. Yeah, so he comes at me with his arms outstretched from my Zippo. Ha ha, you want this? You want this? And I grab his outstretched arm and I just sort of spin around like over here, over here, over here, over here. And then I lead him like careening towards because there's like a back room, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we all have a stuff, right? And like maybe I throw the Zippo in towards the back. What?

Why do you have to give him the Zippo? I'm literally covered in gasoline. That's your problem, man. You can throw the Zippo on your next turn. So you essentially yeet him towards the back. Correct. All right. Which means that he has just crash landed at your feet, Trudy. Hi, Hal. I was just wondering, you want to do all of this for Zahul, right?

No, no, no. You misunderstand completely. I'm trying to save us from him by purging us in fire. Because what's going to come is so much worse than this. You don't understand. None of you understand what's about to happen. You're going to wish that you let me burn you. You're going to wish that you died. No, I understand completely. And I recommend that you try Mama's Little Helper. Just a few drugs I had around the house that helped me relax.

after a long day of hustling after my kiddos and cleaning the home. Please try this. It will make you feel so much better and everything will light on fire so fast, so fast, so fast. Okay. And she extends her hand where there's a, I think the 19- A gun.

I think the 1950s version of Valium is like Librium or something. Yeah. Everything I know from that is just a nightmare. Whatever Trudy's definitely been using on her kids to make them go to sleep at night. Oh, no. And you want to do a psychology roll to get him to... Take it. Okay. Yeah. All right, give me a psychology roll. Okay, I think I will.

Yes. I got a 28 and my psychology is 40. Wow. Okay. So he's like, yes, sleep, sleep. You're saying this will be like, oh, an eternal sleep, an eternal sleep. Sure. Yes. That sounds, you know, I was really. You might have a little headache in eternity, but that's all part of the process. Okay. So we all take them. We all take them. You take it and then we'll take it after you.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. I will, I will. Oh, yes. Oh, this is so much better than burning. Thank you so much. Of course. And he pops this pill and is like, so when do I sleep? When do I sleep forever? How long does that take? It should be any moment now. Okay, well, you guys are going to take them now too, right? Where are the rest of them? Lock him back there! Can I take them?

Lock the door. Is he distracted? Can I punch him? I want to sucker punch him in the back of the head. You want to sucker punch him in the back of the head. While Trudy's doing this. Yes, the fire's all around us, but I noticed a certain fire in your eyes. I try to catch Trudy's eyes and be like, keep distracting him. All right. Well, now call this a separate role. We'll call this a Trudy is going to do a, I guess this would be fast talk as well, or charm, whatever you want to use. I'll do charm. Okay.

Oh, frick yes. I got a 16 and my charm is 55. Okay, wow. All right, great. Well, what do you say to him? As I was saying, there's a certain fire in your eyes. You must be such a strong, muscly man.

man. I wonder if you have any experience with 1-800-BALL. 1-800-BALL. I mean, I don't know that number. I don't know what you're talking about, but I often, you know, sometimes I look at the big muscly man on the trophies and I'm like, I wish I could look like that. And I don't. You look like that in my eyes, handsome. You say what? What? I would never say something to a man that wasn't my husband, but if I did,

Maybe I would say it to you. Oh, you have a husband. Okay, forget it. Sorry. I just thought that. Yeah, go ahead. So then Kelsey brings her arm back. If you cross cut your encyclopedia, you see what happens when you punch somebody in the back of the head? Question mark. Is that her brain damage? Is that the article? Yeah. And she fucking cracks her knuckles and she swings and sucker punches him in the back of the head using brawl, I'm assuming, right? Yes, that's brawl because he's distracted. This is an automatic hit. Okay. Give me a dex just to show if you don't fumble. Like, I'll give it to you.

Or give me your fighting brawl. Yeah, my brawl's strong because she's been boxing. She has a 65 on brawl. Holy shit. She's really good at teaching and boxing. That's sick. I'm going to use some of my luck.

No, dear. Oh, no. Oh, no. He talks such big games. Using it all now. I'm going to use four points. It wasn't that far off. Four points of luck. So you're now down to 53. I'm at 54. Okay. Well, you want me to be at 53? I'll be at 53 if you want, Will. No, stop it. What are you doing, Matt? No.

We're doing like 20 episodes of this. Why are you all suicidal? Freddy's trying to give him the lighter. You're trying to get rid of your luck. Try not to use luck on this. Fine, I don't use luck on this. No, use your luck. Now I'm all worried. I missed the punch. But you said it automatically. I want the rules. Now you want the rules. All I said was that if you fucked up, you wouldn't fumble. Okay, okay. So yes, you hit him in the back of the head. Roll for damage. 1d3. So three. Three damage. Yeah, you crack him in the back of the head and he spins around. He's like, why do I keep falling?

keep falling for this? Why do I keep... I know I had Trudy to punch him in the back of the head. I roll...

spanking. I have a spanking set. He has turned. He has turned. All right. We'll do the spanking and I want to give Anthony a turn because it's been a minute and we really should have done fucking initiative but oh well. He's not expecting that. Oh, I fail my spanking roll. Oh, okay. Yeah, you swatted his butt but he just nimbly He likes it. He likes it.

This is what he wasn't getting from 1-800-BALLS. No! I'm so confused! What is everyone's deck score? We'll do it in that. 25. 60. 60 also. Holy shit! So here's the scene as it now stands. Francis and Tony are by the door with Kamon Wan, and they have the trophy.

Meanwhile, the two of you, Kelsey and Trudy, are just giving him an Abbott and Costello routine, spanking and punching him repeatedly in the back of the head by the back of the room. He's loving it. And he is both aroused and enraged and confused and disoriented, and he really wants to light you all on fire. What's this God's name? We'll be like, ooh, this is... The Owls of Gahool.

It's the owls, yes. It's the owls. What's the name? No, I'm not telling you. Zubla Blah. Zuzel. Zuzel. Zuzel's slapping you. What? Zuzel's giving it to you, honey. I don't like Zuzel. I'm trying to save us from Zuzel. I couldn't have been clearer. You sure you don't like Zuzel? I spank his butt.

Francis, what would you like to do? Francis is going to just try to wrench open the door. Yeah, he just deadbolted it. He didn't like do anything to it. So yes, you can open the door. Okay, so I open the door and I just run outside. I go, guys, just run. It's fine. Your mom's like, oh yeah, what are we doing? And then she comes with you and then stands by the door ready to blast this guy. Yeah, you can shoot him from outside. Yeah, that's great. Because then we won't burn anything. This is what I'm saying, Francis. These people, like, I want you to learn from them. But I also want you to learn that sometimes you can't learn from people. Do you know what I mean?

No. Okay. So it is now Tony's turn. I judoed him towards the back. Yes, you're by the door as well. So Tony's going to be like, shoot him. Shoot him. Just shoot him. Shoot him now. Shoot him now. Shoot. Shoot the gun. Shoot the gun, Kimoji. Shoot the guy. Shoot him. Shoot him now. Sorry. Are you leaving? Yes, I'm leaving. Okay.

All right. Wait for us. Shoot him! Shoot him! It's a shotgun! There's three of them right there. I'm going to hit all of them. Don't you know what guns are? You do what you have to do! You do what you have to do! You're so stupid! You do what you have to do! Shoot him! Shoot him! I can't believe I wanted to fuck you for like half a second, but I don't anymore. No, no, no!

What about that? Am I persuasive? She's not going to shoot us. Oh. Because the two of them are right in there, too, right now. So she's like, no, I'm not going to shoot right now. If he comes out the door, I will shoot him, okay? Does that make you happy? Until he goes, oh, oh my god! Okay, so the two of you, everyone has abandoned you, and you're now, both of you in a room soaked in- I'm deck 60, right? Yes. Do I get to go now? It's top of the turnover, so it's Hal's turn now. Oh. So Hal's like, no, no, no, no, this isn't how it's supposed to go! And he is- Is getting very sleepy.

How would we roll for like sleeping pill? Constitution. Okay. Yes. We'll give him a constitution roll. If he fails his constitution roll, then he will have disadvantage on his actions going forward.

So yes, he's like, this is good. I can still save you. I can still save the two women. I can still protect you. And he is going to fumble around and he finds a box of matches in his pocket and he's going to try to strike one. Well, this guy has flammable things all over him.

He succeeds on his role, so he's now sparked another match. Are you sure he's not a little itchy? It's a side effect. Of what? Of the Tregalizer from the 50s. And he scratches himself a little bit because he's a little itchy. And the match catches on to his fucking face.

I blow it out. Okay, you're going to blow it out? Yeah. Okay. Damn, the match is one weakness, dude. Damn, dog. She has a Zippo still. Yeah, that's right. They marketed the Zippo as the one that wouldn't go out in the wind. We're going to call this an attack roll, and he's going to get a chance to dodge your little puff. I want to use my English language. You want to use your English language? I'm a teacher. I got to go. Yeah. You're going to shush him. Yeah. So you want to use your English skill to...

I feel like I teach you I got good shush to blow out the match. And he's disadvantage and sleepy and he pulled out the match and lit it? You tell me what you want me to do. This is a sort of off-label use of the English skill to go shush.

This is because you have a really high English skill. I'm not fighting him. I'm pulling it out and I saw him being the light. That's true. I'm not fighting. That's using the mouth. All right, give me a constitution roll. There's a lot of fumes in here. Because you're going to breathe in to blow. I got 58 and my constitution is 60. Not exactly easy, but I passed. All right, what do you do? What is your move? You can also move if you would like. Oh, I say shame on you. And then I walk away.

Like a fucking teacher. Just chill as fuck. Trudy, what would you like to do? He's fumbling in his pocket for another match right now. I'm going to run. You both make it out the door. I assume you all pile into the car. And we slam the door. You slam the door. On him. Okay. As you're running towards the car, you hear him say, you'll be sorry. You'll all be sorry. You'll wish you'd burned. And you're like,

And then you hear a match strike and you watch as a glow fills the air from inside of Hal's trophy world. And you hear a blood curdling scream followed by laughing, followed by silence as the entire building begins to burn behind you.

Dojo's Dice is brought to you this week by MeUndies. Yar! It's that time of year again when you want breathable, quick-dry, moisture-wicking, anti-odor technology around your gooch. Love it. You want it bad, and MeUndies has got it for you. Something for every guy this summer. Their fabric is breathable and comfortable, especially the ball caddy with its special pouch to help you avoid bat-winging. Bat-winging is when your testicles spread out across your sweaty thighs, by the way.

Any funny ball stories? They're asking us to tell everyone about our balls. Funny ball stories? I mean, one time I adjusted my pants and my balls squeezed together and hurt a lot. And I don't think that would have happened if I had a ball caddy. I've been packing a 100% MeUndies rig in my EDC. You carry your balls. Your balls are your everyday carry. That's right. I guess that's true. I am carrying them around every day. It's been great. On the tour bus, I haven't had to change my underwear once. No, that's not true.

I, you know, I tried to make a ball caddy for my non-MeUndies underwear, and now my nuts just hang out of my underwear. Oh, no. Fabric is breathable, stretchy, and comfy, making it ideal for all-day wear. And then, by the way, if you want even more breathable and summer-proof stuff, they got the Move Me line with Breathe fabric. Whoa, new, whoa, burying the lead. New MeUndies fabric drop, moisture-wicking, anti-odor technologies, the Breathe fabric.

responsibly sourced from sustainably sourced materials and with partners that care for their workers. Most people don't know that you breathe through your dick, so it's important to be able to breathe through your underwear. If you're not happy with your first pair of MeUndies, it's on them. It's a little hole down there. It sucks up air. That's why I pass out every time I have sex. Every time, this is like when David Blaine was in that box and they were like, how's he breathing in there? He's breathing

They didn't notice his dick was peeking out of the box. Just a little mushroom tipped up against the top of the box. There was a little hole they cut for his dick to breathe. It's a secret Kegel technique you have to learn to be able to draw in air through the tip of your penis. Summer's coming. Be prepared with MeUndies. Get 20% off your first order, plus free shipping at MeUndies.com slash dungeons. That's MeUndies.com slash dungeons for 20% off, plus free shipping. MeUndies. Comfort from the outside. In.

Tony Collette lights his cigarette right in time with it. He goes, I beat that guy and I got in a car accident earlier. Kelsey pulls out her cigarette and leans forward wanting you to light her cigarette. Why are you guys so calm? We just watched a man die. We're not calm. This is what adults do when we're not calm. You take one of these. You know what? You're old enough. You should be smoking too, son. How many are you doing a day? Mommy, is it okay if I take a cigarette? I've repeatedly asked you not to call me mommy anymore.

And the whole point is for you to start making your own decisions, Francis. Yeah, give it. Let me light up. Here you go. Is this your first cigarette? Yeah. Give me a disadvantaged constitution roll. My constitution is 25. I got a 58. You are now nauseous, and you are going to have disadvantage on your constitution checks for the rest of the night. Great. You handled that pretty well. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, somebody needs an extra cigarette. I'll take another one. The second one goes down smoother. Yeah, give me one. I got two cigarettes in my mouth. I'm like, oh yeah, I see the appeal. Clapping them on his back. Well, come on, Juan, just nods. Sage is like, that's my boy. Wow, I hope Hal's okay.

It seemed like it was a pleasure to burn. Wow. Oh, wow. I should write that down. I guess we should just drive to... We gotta go to... Yeah, the... Peachy Canyon Road. 195 Peachy Canyon Road. Yeah. Okay. Where the hell is that? Just use the...

I guess we'll just get on Peachy Canyon Road. Let's get on... Yeah, not so smart with your fucking map quest now! Google maps! We used to have to look at maps to get places! I get on Peachy Canyon Road, and I turn south.

Okay. How are the numbers? Are they going up or down? It's right next to Bob's Big Boy Burgers. Freddie, give me a luck roll. A luck roll, you say? Well, with a 70 luck, that should be no problem. 79. I miss it. Ah, shit. It's the wrong way. I'm pulling a U-turn. Everyone, hold on. Everyone slides to the right side of the car. I really should buy one of these. Okay. Are the numbers going the right way now? How much does one of these cost? Oh.

Well, I have a number of financing plans that I could get you under. How much are you making? Well, that's rude. And if you want to rent? No, I only like to own. Tony's the worst fucking salesman of all time. But I'm a teacher. It's just, you know, my neighbors and my friends are all just right next door and the school's just behind my house. Well, this one here is $2,200. Ooh, that's all the money I've ever made in my entire life. Am I to believe that women with jobs make money? I don't.

I have everything now. Oh, Trini, you can make money. I make money. All right. What? 125. 125. I think we're here. $125? All right. No, 195. Oh, hold on. We have a little bit of ways to go. I want to die. You pull up to 195 Peachy Canyon Road. This one's it. Oh, my God. Okay, Will, some feedback for you. It should have been 195 Peachy Canyon Drive, so it rhymed. 195 Peachy Canyon Drive. It's 195 Peachy Canyon Drive. And guess what, Beth?

It's also the location of the Peachyplex Drive-In

theater. Holy shit. Holy shit. What's playing? Video game high school. You'll never guess what's playing. Why the marquee reads forefathers in fantasy land. Oh, starring Spencer Tracy is Daryl Wilson. Jared Jimmy Stewart is Henry Oak. Marlon Brando is Ron Stampler. And who else but Mickey Rooney is Glenn Close. Mickey Rooney. He makes me feel all sorts of things. Mickey Rooney. What did I say?

I mean to catch this picture. I could teach him a thing or two. I'll tell you what. I heard this one's good and the sequel's not quite up to snuff. If Mickey's in it, I'll see you. You pull up to the drive-in movie theater. Oh, Mickey. Now let me ask you this. Are we pulling into it? Do we have any? Hey, Trudy, did we have any instructions? Anything to follow? To bring the trophy. Well, we have the trophy. Or at least a reasonable facsimile of it.

I think they'll find us if they've been watching us this whole time. Oh, they've been watching us all time. How could they have been watching us this whole time? I don't know. How did a big moth creature break into my room and almost kill me? That's such a good point. It was a bat, I think. It was too big to be a bat. I fought it. You're right. The worst rule of scientific discovery is I got to accept what I saw. It was a big monster. You're right, Francis. It was a big monster. Oh, thank you. Yeah, okay. Feels very valid.

I'll need to hear that from an authority figure. Yeah, well, you know what? Don't let it get to your head, though. And remember, just because an authority figure said it doesn't mean that it's true. No, Mom. But it might be. You're a straight shooter, Kimono Juan. I don't want you to talk to me. Nobody's fucking my mom tonight. Except for my dad. Language. Sorry. Nobody's making love to my mom tonight. Don't curse your mother that way. Excuse me. That's my son.

And you are not his father. Yeah, back off. Okay, all right. As you pull up, there's like a ticket taker that I spent a while since I've been to a drive-thru, but we're going to say it's a drive-thru ticket taker. A drive-in. Yeah, at the drive-in. So he just drove straight through the movie. Wow. How are they going to make money on this? Even in a second, he gets me going. Mickey.

Take me home. I'm going to be alone. One glass of Mickey. Good thing we came in on a Mickey scene.

One car worth of tickets, please. Very well, sir. It's like the squeaky. Oh, hey, I kind of sound like, hey, what's up, Francis? Hey, man. You keeping it real? Yeah, dude, you know. We out here, man. Sticky Rick, who's the second most bullied kid in school. You know, at least I got someone to look down on. Does he see Francis smoking a cigarette? He's like, oh, no. Whoa, whoa, Francis. Yeah, I'm cool now.

I got one cigarette on either side of my mouth. I'm twice as cool. I gotta rethink some things. Enjoy the movie. Tune in to 89.3 FM to listen along to the film. And he gets this nervous look and he like kind of looks around shiftily to Bush's and he's like, I have this free collector's popcorn bucket, compliments of the house. And he shoves it to you. Is it the dune? Is it a fuckable? Is it a fucking fuckable?

It's a Ford Edsel car pussy themed 1950s collectible. Sticky Rick always takes care of me, my man. This is why we're tight. Why is he called Sticky Rick? You have a condition. Yeah, don't be mean. Give me a spot hidden check. Yeah, I want to look at this pop. Oh, you don't need it if you're going to actually look at it. Also, I'm going to be like, Rick, first off, you keep it with your homework.

Oh, you know it, Miss Grammar. Yeah, just double check. And I check all the kids. I do all my homework. That's why I'm the second most or maybe the first most bullied kid in school now. I always tell you, do enough homework to keep me satisfied, but not too much so that kids make fun of you. You kind of learn that balance, Dickie Rick. It's just, it's been tough. B, that's what you want. A B and A B.

Unless you're an astronaut, that's going to get you beat. Wait, astronaut? Or a space man. You're right. We're looking for BB. She supposedly was brought here by some people. Any cars extra loud? Yes, any smooth, curved cars are extra loud. Cars are shaking because their hands are moving so much. A little shifty on the way in.

Slow. I'd say that. Weak cards. I'd say, you know, I can't say that I noticed anything, but just enjoy your popcorn. Enjoy your popcorn and maybe look at your popcorn. Okay. Enjoy the movie. Oh, thanks. While Tony Collette does a scan for a shifty Italian automobile. We're going to get sued by the Italian consulate. Oh, no. What are they going to do? Oh, no. No more spaghetti. We're going to join up with Hitler.

Oh, no. No more F1 cars and fucking... Oh, no, and Ferrari. I saw that movie. That guy sucks.

That's all I got. All I know is that there's two movies. There was Ford versus Ferrari. Ford won, and then there was Ferrari, and Ferrari sucked. He got his bad. I like the movie, by the way, but he was sucked. I say, no, it's all share the popcorn, so I'm going to split the popcorn in five ways. Probably means I'm going to see if there's anything inside the popcorn bucket. Okay, so written on the side of the bucket under the dune pussy, let's say. Oh, I usually don't see this in the mirror. Huh? Sorry.

I said I usually only see this in the mirror.

fuck that's good all right what do i see what i see right on the bucket it says 107.5 fm instead of 89.3 fm because normally you have to tune into the radio so you're getting too conflicted rick i'm confused what's one of these fm radios are we supposed to listen to get me killed just go away just go away and do what it says on the popcorn i'm so scared the men were so scary stop talking to me just do what they said please please i don't want to die even if

most okay okay okay drive forward i'm the one driving yeah all right stop okay so good trudy okay so you guys are at the movie theater they have like little designated parking spots and you just pull into an empty spot like freddie you're driving yeah i'm gonna pull into the stop oh this is the smoocher spot this is for all the kids doing heavy petting instead of watching the movies we don't

want to be here. And I take a quick inventory of how many cars are being used in my car. You see a couple of Tony's cars, cars, cars that are a little fogged up and kind of maybe moving back and forth a little bit. I'm going to charge a little extra for the cleaning fee for those ones. They're just touching the cars. You're cleaning the cars. Deans are petting the cars.

Like, I don't get it. Are we supposed to pet it harder? I heard the term heavy petting, and that was as far as I got. Turn it to the radio station. 107 something. 107.5 FM. I remember numbers now. After forgetting a number last time. You're doing great, Trudy. Trudy, you recognize the same voice that you heard on the phone. A man's voice. Say...

Finally, you're here. Okay, great. Listen. What did we miss? If you're talking, this is a one-way radio. We don't have the ability to communicate with you. Oh, that's right. Here's what we want you to do. You put the trophy in the popcorn bucket. You put the bucket on the ground. One of us will come get the bucket, and then we give you the girl. I wrote on the window, where's Bebe? Oh, my God. What are you doing? Where's Bebe? We're not. We can't. Look, lady.

Give us the popcorn. This is a BS deal. We need proof of life. Yeah. Okay, give me a listen roll. I failed. I fail as well. With my military training, I use one luck to get to a 50, which gives me a pass. I failed. I got a 41 and 25. I've honed my ears. Tony. Yes. With your military training, in the faint background, you hear a...

you hear a tapping, like a light tapping, but it sounds too rhythmic. And you can almost swear that it sounds like Morse code. Morse code. Do you actually know Morse code? Me real life, Freddie? Tony, does Tony Collette know Morse code?

They teach you that in the military? Let me think. Hold on. Let me just check something. I think they do. Critical skill taught to Millie personnel in various branches. Yes, Morse code was an essential skill. Especially in communications, but yeah, it seems like a pretty good, important thing to have. So we'll say you know Morse code? Yeah, I picked it up a little bit. Give me an intelligence roll. All right, yeah, yeah. To see if you can decode the message. 14. Oh, shit. That is not a fifth of 65. It is one away from a fifth. Okay, but very good roll. Basically, you're hearing like, it's BB. I'm in trouble.

Trunk.

Just looped over and over again. And then meanwhile, the voices are saying like, listen, fucking forget it. You came out here. We will show you once we get the trophy. Biebs is trying to communicate with us. What, how? With Morse code, a series of dits and dashes to communicate simple messages. Wait, is she here nearby? I'm hearing it on the radio, but listen to this. This person, they have to be within low band FM radio range. And that's a trunk. That means that they're in a car and they're around here somewhere. We should just fast forward.

Just fan out and look for the car. Stealth mission. How many cars are in here? The average. Okay, what do you got? I start beeping in Morse code. Beeping the horn and I beep back.

Kick light. Okay. I like that. I like that. So immediately everyone's like, Hey, shut the fuck up. What are you doing? Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Give me a break. You can hear it in your cars. You fucking idiots. They just dropped the pyramid. They dropped the pyramid. Just turn it up. Just turn it up in your car. These Ray Harryhausen special effects are just great. Apple juice. What do we think of next? The average drive-in movie theater can hold 1000 cars. Oh,

Okay. Yeah, but this is a small town. This is a small town. We'll say it's like 200 cars. You got two minutes. Put the trophy out there. Two minutes or what? Two minutes or we kill the girl. We don't really need the trophy. We don't need the trophy. We should just drop the trophy and go look for her. I don't trust them to actually bring her in. No, but if they find out it's not the real trophy, then they'll kill her and then we won't have the trophy. Yeah, but they won't know that until they get the trophy. And get it back to them because as we know, they can't communicate with two-way radios. We'll just bring the girl at the same time and we'll give you the trophy when you give us the girl. Oh, okay.

I can get out of the car and run around and then see if there are any lights. Sorry, okay. Do you mind really quickly? One of our ladies has ladies issues, so she's just going to the bathroom. I have to pee so bad. I don't want to hear about lady issues. Okay, fine. One of you can pee, but I better start seeing that trophy move into that popcorn bucket. All right, listen, Trudy, when you're out there, look for a kicked out taillight. Okay. That will be the car.

That BB is in. Right? Okay. It won't be any of my cars because they're all in great repair. What's the plan? What is everyone doing? Sounds like, Beth, you're going to be sneaking out. And then if we can find out what car has the lights kicked out, then we'll decide what to do next. So you're doing that. T-Mobile, load that shotgun. I mean, all of us are just sitting in the car waiting to find out. Yes. Load that gun. Don't tell me what to do. Rack it and crack it.

We'll say that you're in the middle of driving. There was a spot like dead center. Yeah. The bathrooms are at the back. So you can scan the cars on your way back and you will be able to see like the back half of the cars. Do the voices sound familiar? Do they sound like kids? They don't sound like kids. Okay. And they don't sound Italian. Hmm.

So you never know. That's true. That's racist. Well, you can't always tell an Italian by the voice. Yes, you're right. I'm the one. I'm the one. Yeah, well, come on. Do they sound like men? They do sound like men. Okay. Yes. I'm going to be like, oh, sorry. Oh, gosh, I'm having women's issues too. And I'm going to crawl the car and like...

pretend like I'm throwing up. Okay. Just give us one sec. Just, oh, you know us. You don't have to go to the front bathroom with that issue. You're so disoriented. Yes. By the,

Right by the screen where you see all the front cars. All right. They're now officially suspicious of what's going on in this car. So I'm going to show the trophy out the window just to show that we have it. Proof of life. All right. Somebody's like, ooh. Okay. Again, all we need you to do is put the trophy in the popcorn bucket. That's all we need you to do is put it on the ground. I would love to do that. Everything's coming out from both sides. So it's just wait. Ugh. Ugh.

So you're going to the front? I'm just letting them understand that they just need to wait for a fucking minute. All these two women take care of themselves and they'll get the trophy. We're dealing with women. Yeah, Trudy's going off and this other woman's throwing up right now. You just hear like a groan of frustration. Oh my God. Okay. We'll wait for you to be done puking. But the second she gets back to the car. Trudy, on your way back, give me a spot hidden role. Is there an advantage there? Because she gets to take time. We bought time for her here. Doesn't freaking matter because I got an 11.

Okay, excellent. You see towards the back, like a black town car with one light kicked out. And then sure enough, inside, you see four guys that are all wearing Halloween masks because they also are trying to conceal their identity right now. Oh, you know what we could do, Anthony? What? We could stick the trophy out of the window, right? And they'll see it.

And then the next thing they see is a gun right up to the bottom of the trophy. We can hold the trophy hostage. They want it. They said the cup is important, right? Yeah. Trudy races back covered in pee.

Okay. There is a black town car where people are wearing Halloween masks. And here's the kicker. The back light is kicked out. Did you get a parking code?

It was a number underneath the car. A number. Oh, yes. I've been so good at remembering numbers lately. It's spot number 46. It's spot number 46. Very good.

well done Judy and I blow the car into gear and I pop it yeah yeah well fucking take care of yourself and we speed off directly towards you're going to ram this car from the front that could hurt BB hold on BB yeah I'm I'm I'm as I'm doing this as I'm doing this I'm doing whatever I'm just take the trophy and then get out and then they can come after me and

And then while they're at me, you can get Trudy. That's very smart. I pull off to the side really quick and then I kick you out with the trophy. I'm holding it and I put it in the popcorn bucket. I go, I've got it. It's right here. And I'm standing between some cars so they can't just drive up to me. They're going to have to get out to get to me. And I'm speeding off. What?

Help! This man's kidnapped me and Trudy. We don't know what's going on. The two men are deciding everything. What's happening? Just so I understand this. Essentially, you've pushed...

France is out of the car with the trophy. Yeah. He's now holding the trophy. Because he told me that they were going to chase after him. Okay. And things seem to be in chaos. They just care about the trophy. Yes. If he goes off and he runs, they're going to file out of that car. We know exactly where they're coming from. I would pull like in front of the car or something. So they don't just like decide to drive after him. Well,

him. Well, no, he's in between cars. I'm in between cars. Like, sure. I guess they could drive up and get out. In the same way that you're driving. You want them to get out of the car and chase him, right? Here's what we're going to do. There's four of them in the car. So two of them, Frankenstein and Wolfman. Okay. Jump out of the back and they spot Francis and they're going to charge at

Monsters like the Mothman. Meanwhile, the guys in the car are going to see that you're pulling some sort of crazy maneuver and they're going to back out of their spot to stop your car by ramming it. Right. Just to make sure because they're like some sort of funny shenanigan is going on here. Yes.

Okay. So you've peeled out and you're now circling around to them. Right. So now they're backing out and they're basically. So BB's still in the car. Yes. BB's still in the car. Okay. So they've now backed out around and they're basically going to be coming straight at you the way that you're coming. So the two of you guys are in a high stakes game of chicken right now. Yes. Okay. Be careful with my mom.

So yes, Kimon Wong is going to stand up with her shotgun and racket. Can you take out the driver, Kimon? I don't know, but we'll see. And she squints an eye and aims it at the driver. And then meanwhile, the driver of the car, the mummy, is gripping the steering wheel. And Dracula, he sticks out the window with a... A counter heater! A Colt .45. And he's aiming at you, Freddy. Well, I'll duck. Ha!

I'll just get low in these low bench seats. I got many cubic inches of American muscle between me and that. All right. So you guys are hurtling towards each other. Meanwhile, Anthony will say that you now see Wolfman and Frankenstein running towards you. Oh, geez. Kelsey hands Tony her Colt 1911. I already have one. I hand you mine. Nice. Two.

I have two guns. And then I want to roll out of the car. If they chase after Francis, I was going to hop out of the car and chase after them. Oh, I see. Okay, interesting. Okay, I like that. Who's chasing who? Second sucker punch. Okay. I still haven't gotten enough information. What happens to me?

Trudy, what are you doing? I think I'm going to put the door slightly ajar so that if it looks like we're actually going to crash into this other car, I can roll out seconds before. Okay, great. All right, so you're prepped to dive out in the event of a crash. Kelsey, you're jumping out of the car. Yes. So we will go ahead and take care of that first. Give me a dexterity roll. We'll say this is a hard maneuver because jumping out of a moving car seems like- How does that work? It's half yours, so you have to beat a 30. Okay, a three. Okay.

All right. So describe how you dive out of this car as it's pulling back. Balletic grace. She just literally casually walks out of the car and lights a cigarette and starts walking after Francis. Like in a Bollywood movie? She's just like walking at normal speed. So now she's out of the car. Here's what it is. I'm doing this cool, like big slide maneuver around the corner. And it's just, you just time it up so that it's like the car is basically stationary and you just get out and the car peels off.

Beautiful. Yeah, I just walk out of the car. Just perfect timing. Walk out of the car. Okay, so you're out of the car. You're now in the chase scene. And I look at the car to my left and I go, I teach you, dude. You should be ashamed of yourself. You don't know who we are. We're in masks. No, not this. This other car. You're surrounded by people that you teach. There's 200 cars of just people. There's all these other cars around you. Oh, so this is another car with like- Yeah, as I walked out and I'm approaching Francis, I look to the car to the left and I see- It's Handjob Alley over here. Yeah, I'm like, I taught you to.

Oh, sorry, Teach. Yeah, you should be both. Oh, bye. I keep walking. So Kelsey Bollywood walks out of this car and now you are in this pursuit with Frankenstein and Wolfman, the two guys who got out of the car. Yeah. Okay, so we are going to do

a Call of Cthulhu chase scene, which I'm very excited about. There's a whole set of rules for this. Is this our second? Huh? I never forget your first. I think we did a chase scene in episode two. Anthony, do you remember? I think we did. All right. Well, this is my first chase scene that I'm running. I can compare you to my two lovers. Yeah. Compare us on Reddit. Will our old dad

dad. You used to let us get away with it. We have chase scenes at home. So chase scenes are all about move actions. Matt, you have the lowest move rating at six. Kelsey is a six, which makes her an LA three. Kelsey can pull anybody in LA. Yeah, I bet. Especially because there's not much in LA, right? At this point in the 19th century. Actually, that's true. It was sort of a blossoming Megapolis at that point. Yeah, it was like Hollywood. I played LA noir. Yeah, that's true. Cars and

And it was like agent Cole Phelps would suspect you of being a sexy femme fatale. Okay. So Matt, your move rating is six. Okay. Both Frankenstein, Wolfman and Francis Farnsworth have an eight. So what this means is that you basically do the difference between the two. So Matt, you have one move action per round and the cultists and Anthony have two.

Okay. So you can use a move action to move from one location of the chase to the next. You are one location behind them. So you guys are at the edge of the lot. Okay. They're in the middle of the lot. Okay. And Anthony is one ahead where the car originally started. Okay. So Anthony, you've got these two guys hot on your trail. You see them coming for your car. They're sort of like slipping and sliding around all these big, you know, sort of steamed up, gently rocking Thunderbirds that teams are making out in. What do you do? I want to do a hood slide and just keep running. Excellent. Yeah.

You're leading the chase. You're the head of the train. So what direction do you want to go? There's the big screen in front of you. Towards the front. Towards the front, towards the screen. Like a moth to a flame. Like a mothman to a flame. There's a very fun thing to determine if you get a hard or difficult or extreme or a clean shot. A fun thing to determine if we get hard? If you get hard. Nice.

So I rolled a 76, which means that there is going to be a hazard along the way. Somebody's getting fresh with this gal and she slaps him in the face and steps out of the car and the door swings in front of you. It's just like a premium rush. Yes. So you have a premium rush moment as you see through the window and see this girl slap this guy in the face and step out. And now this door is swung open right in front of you. How do you want to negotiate that? I would say.

I'm going to try to juke to the right and just hope that I can squeeze between the space between the open door and the next car. Okay, so give me a dexterity roll for that. I'll call that a regular skill check. Okay.

My dexterity roll is 60 and I got zero, zero. Okay. So that's an extreme. Describe to me the way that you beautifully parkour around this. I'm like the fucking T 1000. Like it looks like there's no way somebody can make it through that fucking space. It's too skinny. And I go, it just rise my arms up in the trophy. And as this girl is getting angry at her boyfriend for getting too fresh at her, I go, Oh,

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And I squeeze right by and I go, you should treat it with more respect. And I keep running. Oh, you got to do the thing where there's another guy and a cigarette falls off his lips because he's like, he's the one as he slips through the thing like the warden in Terminator 2. Yeah. So yes, you expertly slide by the two people in the car like, who's that?

And then as they're looking at that, these two cultists are hot on your trail and come plowing through the door as well. So they are also going to make a dexterity roll to see if they can get out of the way in time. Now, if they're masked up, is that going to be harder for them to see compared to, you know? Yes, but...

But no. Yes, but no. Yes, I guess. Sure. You know what? That's fair. I can give them a disadvantage dice. I keep forgetting their masks and that they're not actually werewolves. That's keeping it in your pants. Okay. Oh, shit. Okay. They got a 95 on there. Nice. So it's just like a classic slapstick scene. Like the boy and the girl both stick their head out the window like, who's that cool guy who just slipped past this car? And then Frankenstein and Wolfman just crash into them behind them. We're going to do a 1d3 to see if they have any movement points left for this round. Okay.

1d3. And you hear the werewolf guy go, ow. So they got a three divided by four. They can't move. They plow into this thing. And we'll also give them one fourth of a d12 damage for this minor injury. Now, the minor injury, is that a teenager injury or is that just minors and that you're hitting?

Shut up. I don't know why I got so aggressive about that. I'm sorry, Freddie. Okay. So Matt, now it is your turn. So shuffling on her bunions, just moving slower than everybody else. I'm going to knowing you can close the gap. We get advantages if we know 1950 stuff. So I'm just making rules right now. So knowing that, knowing things,

new rule being played. Knowing that in the early 1950s, golf had expanded from a wealthy luxury item to a popular middle class. It's like what kids did, like Shake Shack. Teens flip hard for golf, like Shake Shack. Yeah, very popular. And since we're at a drive-in, which is where there's a lot of land, it would make sense that the drive-in is next to a golf course. So I believe, being the teacher that I am and knowing what the kids like to do, they often go to the golf course and then they have a nice dinner and then they go to the drive-in afterwards. So I look at... What the fuck?

So I look at the abundance of golf clubs just poking out of the trunks of all these cars in the backseat, and I grab the first nine iron. In fact, there's so many golf clubs in all these cars. I'm about to grab a wood, and I'm like, no, no, no, the car up. I'm going to grab the nine iron. There's a lot of teenagers sporting wood in this park. You can make me do a spot hit or whatever, but I like to pull a golf club out of one of these many cars that have golf clubs.

Give me a luck roll. Let's do that. A luck roll? How does that work? Well, if it goes, can we please have him roll 1d12 to determine the exact club that he pulled? And then we scale the damage based on the length of the club. Yes, actually, that's what we're going to do. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Am I rolling against my luck? You're rolling your luck as your skill, which is why you shouldn't be blowing your luck points like a sailor on leave. Yeah, yeah. But, like, if I got a 2... That's very good. You got very lucky. That's, like, super 2 of 65. All right, yes, you got incredibly lucky. I pulled a gun. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Why does Gini have a 9mm pistol? No, it's, you know what it is? No, no, my guy won, I guess. I would have pulled a gun. No, I was just like, I was going to give it to you. I was going to say, it's like, you know how like gangsters, they would have like, it looks like golf clubs, but it's actually a Tommy gun with like a driver on the end? So yes, that's what happens, Matt. You pull a Thompson M45 machine gun out,

with a nine iron on the end of it. Submachine gun. Submachine gun out of this golf thing. You finally found the Italian. This mafioso was sitting in this car. It's like, ah, my gat. Oh no. I look at the gun. I'm like, this is a little too much for a situation. I look at the driver. I'm like,

You shouldn't be having this at a theater. And I toss and I grab a golf club and I run after it. You got one of those decoy golf clubs. Okay, sure. A golf club. I can catch up to them? You'll caught up to them. Okay. Matt casually throwing away. I just want to shoot them. I'm just telling you that there's going to be a point in this campaign where I'm like, damn, I wish we could use a 30, a 25 round magazine. Give me one more luck roll.

23. The gangster does fall in love with you. Oh. He watches you walk away with that golf club and that confidence. What a beautiful woman. Get it right, buddy. That's it.

That truly is a spicy meatball. I give him a little shake as I walk. I know he's watching. Was he in the car by himself? Yeah, he was just going to a movie before he was going to go whack a guy. Before he was going to go whack. The guy he's going to kill is in the car with him. Oh my God, and they're making out. They're making out. A kiss before dying. As he's kissing, he reaches in the back to grab his Tommy gun and finds nothing.

It does cost a move action to attack. Okay. So you are not going to be able to attack them this time. Okay, but I want to be quiet. I don't want them to know. Okay, I approached. You have approached. And yes, they are reeling on the ground, having collided with this door. Okay. And the two teens are yelling at them and dumping popcorn on them. And you're creeping up now with a nine iron. We'll let you do a stealth roll next turn to see how that goes. Nice. Anthony.

you are now farther towards the screen. You look back, you see this two car pile up of monsters and teenagers, and you see Kelsey Grammer sneaking up behind them with a golf club. What do you do? I go, oh, it looks like Kelsey Grammer's going to need some help. I know exactly what to do. And I'm going to keep running. Are you bringing the trophy with you? Yeah. We rolled an 89 on the hazard barrier dice roller, which means there's a hard barrier in front of you. So I'm trying to think of like what a difficult barrier. We already made that joke, Freddie. I'm sorry.

You want one joke? Do one. Like a school bus. A school bus. Yes, a school bus pulls up. Oh, I wish I had a sat in the back. I can't see anything. The local kids all the time in the world to do all the other stuff. Just the driver can watch the movie. Everybody else is like, oh, man. Can you turn sideways? Yeah, so this was the part.

The kids in the break-in watch and the kids in the back are getting hand jobs, but us in the middle... Us in the middle just staring at the emergency exit. The local middle school cinema club chartered a school bus to go to this movie...

And then after seeing how offensive forefathers and fantasy world is, the drivers decided to leave because defended their noble Puritan values. And so they pull out of the spot. And now you have a eight foot tall school bus in front of you. So this is a barrier, which means you can't just blow through it. You're going to have to get over or under it. I'll say you have to get over it. The clearance is too low for you. Well, then I'll get over it. I guess I'll try to climb over the hood. Give me a climb roll. It's not going to go well.

52 and my climb is 20. Describe to me how you failed to climb up this thing. I try to rest my foot on the tire, but the tire is moving. So I go, oh my God. And it almost pulls me under and breaks my ankle, but it doesn't quite. And I fall straight onto my ass and drop the trophy. Finally, a show that kids stay in the middle and they all point and laugh at you. Hey, look at that, Miss.

or let's shoot spilwas at him. All the kids who weren't able to see the movie are now laughing at you. Give me a luck roll. 52 and my luck is 85. Okay, then in that case, the trophy does not break when you fall to the ground. Wait, if the trophy breaks, is it like the one wing? Do we win? The one wing. The one wing. The one wing. The one wing. Clodo. Clodo, I need the one wing. Someone folds it into Mount Doom. You bow to no one. You can't do a u-woo of no one. Why did I say that? No one. My plashes. All the lines I can think of don't happen.

have any argument at all why you fool fools even you can't man he really uwu proofed that except for the uwu kai all right so you have one move action left you can either try to summit this thing once more although it will be harder because now you have a bunch of kids throwing popcorn at you so i might give you disadvantage on the climb roll or you can charge back into the fray or try to go another direction it

If they're blocking me in the front, I'm just going to try to take a hard 90-degree turn right and just start running. Okay, so... Tron moves? Yeah, I'm a Tron bike. We can do that from now on. Every time I take a right turn or left turn in, my car will be like, Tron! Just like in Tron, to avoid an enemy. A hard 90-degree turn will save you every time. But be careful. Keep going to the first stop sign. You're going to take a left Tron.

You're going to drive 100 meters and take a right Tron. One Tron remaining. Unfortunately, you got a 94 on the hazard table for your second move action. It's just a second school bus. Yeah, it's essentially what you realize is the reason the first school bus stopped is that another school bus is also trying to leave and they're having like one of those New Yorker arguments. Guys, it's the bowling club. They're here to make fun of us Simba kids. It's like a London double-decker bus of exchange shooting. Ha ha ha!

We drove this bus all the way from foggy London town. Don't worry, it will come out in our neck of the woods in five months. Jesus.

We always get movies later. Owing to the Atlantic Ocean. Just for my own understanding, just to clarify, these are kids from London that flew here for a movie? Yes, Matt. Is that so hard to believe? After World War II, America was doing this victory lap where they're like, any Allied country's kids can come see how a real country won World War II. Bring your buses.

BYOB. All right, give me a climb roll rather than climb over this double-decker bus. Okay, well, my climb is 20 and I rolled a 19. All right, paint me a picture. Can you roll not to fall in love with every person with a nice British accent in their bus? Yeah, I'll roll luck.

I do fall in love with all of them. Nothing for accents. I hoist the trophy onto my shirt on my back, like a backpack, but it's just resting against the belt loop of my pants. And I just like start climbing up the side of the double-decker bus and hearing like, hello, hello, hello, oh, oh, crikey, blimey. And every single handhold I get, I fall in love with a new person. Yeah.

And eventually I make it to the top and I look down on my domain and I see if anybody's still chasing me. Okay, great. Someone in the back goes like, down in front, you're blocking the screen. All right, so the cultists have now picked themselves up. They are going to charge after you. So they make it over there and they too are going to try to climb this bus to get at you. Tell the British kids that those are Italians chasing you.

Yes. They got 33 on their climb roll. So yes, like two pirates shimmying up a flag. They put their knives in their mouths and they start climbing up after you and they make it up on top of this bus and they are going to attack you. Bye, Anthony. Farnsworth had a good run. Have these villains ever hit a child before?

Yes, absolutely. Okay. I just want to make sure. Yeah. I feel like if it was their first time, they need a disadvantage because it's not everybody can do that. Matt, it's the 50s. The first guy is going to try to grab this trophy from you and rip it away. So we're going to call this a fighting maneuver. What would you like to do in response to he's basically grabbing for this thing? He's going to pull it off. Let him take it. Okay, great. Oh, no.

Not that. The second guy is going to grab you. And so he's also going to try to do a fighting maneuver. And he's just trying to grab you by the scruff and like get up in your face. Like Batman Begins, where are the other drugs go in style? Oh, wow. Are you going to try to shimmy away? What do you want to do? I'll try to jump off the other end of the bus. Ooh, I like that. Oh, wow. We'll say you're dodging by jumping off the bus. Okay. So if you succeed with this, you will both escape and we'll give you a dexterity roll to stick the landing.

So my dodge is 30 and I got a 93. Okay. Okay, so that's a no. He got a 38. So he grabs you and pulls you right in the face and says, who are you working for? Wouldn't you like to know?

I would like to know. That's why I'm asking. The school. The school? What school? What are you talking? You're coming with me, pal. And he sticks a knife up against your, not into you, but like up against your ribs. And he's now trying to force you to go down through the double-decker bus with him. But wait, aren't all those scenes like, our boyfriend's getting capped. Help.

That's helping. All right, Andy, give me a luck roll to see if the British kids fell in love with you. My luck is 85. I got a 34. All right. Oh, so when you say a double-decker bus, is it like an open bus at the top? Yeah, like in Austin Powers or like a tour bus. Like a Hollywood sightseeing bus. Like when Will Smith lands on one in Men in Black and he's like, it's just women and black people in New York. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. So a Hollywood, like a tour bus. A tour bus, yes. Not like a double-decker because it's like, how are they on the roof going in? Okay, so like all the kids are around with them. Yes, like in Spider-Man 2, they all basically are like,

Oi, if you want to get to him, you're going to have to get through us, mate. Post 9-11 patriotism. Let's pause there. Matt, what are you doing? I guess I use my one move to get to the bus. We'll say the chase has ended because Anthony has been caught. So you are now at the bus. The three of you are at the bus. Guy number two. What I want to do is sneak up on them. I want to go to the bottom of the staircase and just raise the golf club, you know, like Testin Samurai's in Seven Samurai.

I'm just waiting for them to come down the staircase and whack him on the head. So in that case, we'll say you succeed on the stealth role. They can't see you. And plus, all the teenagers are in love with Anthony. So assuming you give them like a coy little shush. Oh, yeah. I mean, I radiate teacher energy. Like I get there and I hold the golf club up and I look at all the kids. I don't mean it's shush. I just give them a look. All right. And they all quiet down. Wolfman has got Anthony with a knife. Frankenstein is going to brandish their steel pipe to try to scare off.

The teens. So we're going to give them an intimidate roll. Oi, that don't intimidate us. We invented steel. And then fucking NPCs don't get locked. So they fail. Realizing that the situation has gotten out of hand for the two of them. These two guys look at each other and they're like, let's get the hell out of here. These British kids are going to kick the shit out of us. And they jump off the bus. I sit there just still holding my thing waiting. Okay. So you guys are out of danger unless you want to pursue them.

No. Yeah, you see them land and take off running into the woods. Okay, I'm going to run up the stairs to find Francis. Okay, yes. Francis, what happened? Are you okay? There's a bunch of beautiful British people just like waving, like fanning me. I'm like, it was so hard. I was so scared. Okay, where's the trophy? Leave me. What? I'm fine. Oh, okay. Okay, so yes, having successfully led these two guys away from the chase and split their numbers in half, we'll now jump back over to this showdown between these two big...

big 50s steel cars hurtling towards each other. What do you want? I want Kimon Wan to take out the driver. And then what? Then you'll ram the car to the side or something like that? Were you going to try to knock them off the road or are you just trying to crash into them? I think if she takes out the driver, then I will give it a glancing blow so that it like, God, that's not going to end up well for anybody in that car. I will remind you, Freddie, that you have four hit points. Yeah, I know.

but my car, I have a car. I know, but remember what happened last time you crashed this car. You went flying out of it. I'm not going to crash it head on. Also, there's no windshield anymore because I flew out of it last time. Okay, I'm just warning, like, this is not Dungeons and Dragons. You have four hit points. Like, you could very easily die. I'm not trying to hit them. I'm just trying to drive by them and have Kimon shoot the guy. So you're going to chicken out.

Oh, absolutely. I'm going to chicken out. All right. So what you want to do is basically swerve. Yes. At the last minute. Oh, yeah. So that she can get a shot on the driver. Yeah. Straight through the windshield because she doesn't have to lean out. There's no windshield anymore. Okay. Great, great, great, great, great. I do think as a team, we should be worried about Freddie's playing fast and loose with our wives.

Why do you think I got out of the car? I'm like, I'm like a step away from like, let's just kill those characters. Throwing matches when I'm on fire. He's driving a car with four inputs. We got out, didn't we? Only because we stopped you from lighting the thing on fire. I'm moving really safe here. Now it's good to know. I've had something to drink earlier. Come on.

They're going to do the same thing, but the opposite way. Okay. Yeah. You and come on. One are having this conversation. Like we're going to swerve and then you're going to turn and fire over my head at the car and then take out the driver. And then the two of them is like, all right, Dracula, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to swerve. And then you're going to pop up and take out that fucking driver, Tony Collette. You're going to just blow his head clean off. Right. And then we're going to fucking get out of here. We're going to resolve those. And then we're also going to do Trudy. You're jumping out of the car.

Well, the car's not going to hit anymore. We're not going to crash. Trudy is doing the internal calculus of the probability of a head-on collision and deciding when the swerve happens. But Trudy would hear us saying, like, we're not going to hit them. We're going to swerve and shoot. Oh, I hope they're not going to hit them and that they're going to swerve and shoot. Yeah, she's going to stay in the car. She's going to look around for a seatbelt and then be like, oh. Trudy, can you do something maybe to distract them or give us an advantage in this upcoming moment? Yeah, yell some psychology out the window. Yeah.

Yeah, what a quick, quick, easy psychological axe. You don't know which way they're going to turn. That's what this basically comes to. Do you remember in Pearl Harbor when Josh Hartnett and Ben Affleck, they got to break the planes the right way. And it's always this like, well, you turn left. I'm going to turn left like one of those. This is an incredibly important question. So essentially, you're saying the mummy is in the front seat, right? Yes. So you don't know which way he's going to turn. He doesn't know which way you're going to turn. Is he Italian?

You can't tell he's in a mummy costume. There's a one in four chance that this one's the Italian. I don't know where that's coming from, but... You said one of them was Italian. No, I never said that. He never did. He actually specifically said, none of them sound Italian. Oh, never mind. But I was going to say, that's one thing up in the air if you wanted to influence their thinking in some way, Beth. Trudy sticks her head out the window and is like, just keep going straight. Okay, give me a charm roll for that, I guess. It's probably going to be pretty good because of my role playing.

I do not pass it. Okay. We should definitely swerve to either the left or right. I just can't tell which yet. Freddie, I'm going to write down which way they're swerving. Yeah, okay. You write down the way you're swerving, and then we're going to see if you guys crash into each other or not. You want the same. Yes. On the count of three. You're just going to say it, and I'm going to say it. Okay, ready? One, two, three. I break hard. Oh.

They just break. I know these fucking idiots are going to try to go all swirly. Dude, I just fucking stopped. They're going to turn right in front of me. Open shot. That was very good. Clean shot. All right. The mummy swerves his car to the right.

You slam on your brakes, giving Kimon Wong a clean shot with her shotgun on the driver. She is now going to make an attack roll with her shotgun. Fuck yeah, dude. And this is pretty point blank. And there is the other guy in the front seat also? Yes, he is. I'm saying that shotgun blast is going through. Yeah, no, actually shotguns that will do some damage to him as well. That was like a kid's version of rock, paper, scissors. I know. Rock, paper, and you're like, fire! Fire! Isn't rock, paper, scissors the kid's version of rock, paper, scissors? No. No.

Adults play by the rules. I've never won against Dorothy. Really? Oh, man. Because she never says rock, paper, or scissors. She said super rock. Super rock. I'm like, super rock? What does that mean? She's like, all of them. And then I'm like, okay, well, then I'm super paper. She goes, no, no, no, there's no super paper. Oh, she got you there, man. But then she did super paper. I was like, why did you do super paper? And she said, girls can do super paper. Oh.

Damn. That's what we call it. If you disagree with it, you're not an ally. Holy shit. She got you, dude. No dessert that night, though. She fucking won that. She got an extreme success with this shotgun blast. Yeah, she did. Go, mom! So, boom! This massive blast rips out from this shotgun and just pellets full.

straight through the window going, oh boy, you can't tell if these guys are dead or not, but there's just a spray of blood inside this car. And it happened right when the pyramid hit the ground so nobody heard it. Yeah!

Yes, it was time with a big explosion in the movie when the pyramid hits the ground. A pyramid with a 60-foot square base burst from the middle. Who's playing wizard voice skills and it's stuffing? Oh, Peter Lorre, for sure. Dude, all the teens in the car stop making out. They go, Daryl! Daryl! Daryl! Daryl!

Okay, so the car just basically rolls to a stop and like kind of off to the side of the road and just kind of bumps into a trash can. Hey, buddy, you're blocking our view! That's one of the kids. Trudy gets out of the car and goes to look at the trunk. You pop open the trunk. Inside, you see Britannica Blue, your loyal 12-year-old friend, Bebe, and she is just like petrified. And you realize like despite all her gumption and moxie, this is still a scared 12-year-old girl who just had an insane brush with death. So she hops out of there. She jumps into your arms like, Trudy, oh my God, oh my God, it was

God, it was so scary. Oh, my God. And she's just crying into your shoulder. Oh, baby, I'll hug you now. Oh, I was so scared. There was so much shouting and shooting. What happened? There, there. A trunk is a strange place for a girl. They threw me in here and then I heard something. Oh, my God. Is that blood? And she's looking out at the front of the car. Oh, I guess we hit an accident.

Oh, no. Is that the two of them? Those are the guys that took me? Yes. Okay. Okay, this is really bad. What? Oh, hi. Hi, Mr. Collette. Oh, thank you for saving me. Oh, so I managed to steal something from one of those guys. I don't know if you're going to like it. Stealing is wrong, but what did you take? Well, it's funny that you say stealing is a crime because, and she pulls out a wallet, and she opens it up, and it's got a police badge in it. Oh, God.

Because one of those guys is for sure a cop. Oh my God. And then as she opens that badge, you hear the wail of police sirens flashing and you see a police car, sirens blazing, bounding into the drive-in movie theater. The fear of the broken sky. Close to eyes twisted in. What I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay today

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammer. Anthony Burch as Francis Farnsworth. Will Campos as our DM. Beth May as Trudy Trout. And myself, Freddie Wong as Tony Collette. Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Maxson Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Support season three of Dungeons and Daddies directly at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads.com.

You'll get hours of additional shows and content, and you'll be in the fine company of folks like Mackenzie Meyer, Justin Barker, Amy Ernst, Leroy Brandon, Tamara Hall, Matthew Hall, Dismay Dream, Low Poly Geo, Handsome Mr. B, Kate Riker, JB, Sam Watts, Sean Doherty,

We'll be right back.

We end on June 16th on Father's Day right back here in Los Angeles, and we're going to be playing the Wiltern Theater, which is an insane venue for us to play. So get your tickets now, dungeonsanddaddies.com slash live. That's the website. You can find our merch and social media links there. Thank you so much for listening. This show will be continuing as we tour, and the next episode is coming at you June 4th. Hope to see you on the road. I can't see a thunderstorm So easy making them scar Too far, too far But I'll stay

How do you do a 1D3? D6. D6 half it. Or D12 and fourth it. You know what, Matt? I'm going to do a D12 and fourth it. Dude, Matt's coming in so sixth grade math filled right now. Dude, Matt just learned his fraction.