S3 Ep. 14 - The Bigfoot Contessa
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My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friend's still laughing me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn.com slash results.

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Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy. Dungeons and Dags is brought to you this week by... Alright, everyone. I'm going to say the name and you guys are going to be psyched out of your minds. Dungeons and Dags is brought to you this week by Alienware, baby! Yeah! Alienware!

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Dungeons and Dimes is brought to you this week by StoryWorth. This holiday season, I want to give a gift to my loved ones that make them feel special and unique. The story of me. The story of me. No, no, no. Not the story of you. The story of them. Here's how it works. Each week, StoryWorth emails your loved one a thought-provoking question that you get to help pick. Things like, what's the bravest thing you've ever done? What's the farthest you've ever traveled? How did you get to school each day?

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description.

Good evening, I am Blake Lively of Lively Plumbing. Many of you know me. For many years I have fixed toilets and sinks and pipes in this wonderful town of Peachyville. But starting today, for an extra fee, I will also rescue your pets from the sewer or humanely euthanize your dog. A new service I offer after it happened by accident on my last job.

Just listen to all of these satisfied customers. You killed my dog! Stop asking for a testimonial! Kelsey here to say that Blake is the best plumber in Peachyville. He's fast and professional and discreet. Whatever you flush down your toilet in a frenzy of guilt and shame will stay between you, him, and the God Almighty. I hope. When you go through toilets like my family does, those daily visits from the plumber add up quick.

That's why my husband tells me to call Blake Lively. Because at Lively Plumbing, every tenth toilet you install is free. So call Lively Plumbing today and ask for me, Blake Lively. No job too big, no dog too small, Blake Lively does it all. So if you need a drain on top, or someone to kill your dog, Lively Plumbing's who you call, just put your gal.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies. Not a BDSM podcast. You moron. It's a fucking. That was mean. No, you're right. Hey, thanks for listening. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. We just wanted to say we're sorry. Do you think us saying we're not a BDSM podcast is like the way Pringles can't say their potato chips? Like BDSM came out and said, hey, you guys can't say it. Hey.

We are a BDSM flavored snack product. Yes. This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. Psych. This season, we're playing Call of Cthulhu. Welcome. Did the government decide that? That we're playing Call of Cthulhu? No, the Pringles thing. Like, who said they couldn't? That's true. I'm just saying. I don't know.

ever felt boxed in by that need. Pringles isn't into labels, dude. Yeah. They're into tubes. This is the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes finally fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. My name is Freddie Wong and I play deep thinking plumber Blake Lively. Now, some degree of

Controversy, let's say, around Blake Lively's accent, which I'm settling into, like all good blankets. Like all real accents. Like all real accents. I'm settling into it. Blake, trash.

traces a little bit of Nordic roots, which is where his, you know, sort of Midwestern-y sort of thing comes from. Ah, yes. Ah, yes. Yeah. Which is also why his favorite food is potatoes. Well, you already said potatoes. That was your, like, that was like two facts ago. Was that two facts ago? Yeah. Yeah.

Are you recycling facts? You have this character for three episodes. I want more. Give me more Blake. What's his second favorite food? What's his favorite drink? What's that super stinky fish? You know what I'm talking about? The fermented fish. The fermented fish is super gross. You give them little chunks and it's the only weird skin. Maybe people like it. Sewer strumming. Sewer strumming. And you know what they say? Once you pop, the fun don't stop. Blake Lively loves leaning back.

Getting a big old baked potato and then

Instead of bacon bits, sewer strumming bits. Blake Lively's single. There we go. There we go. There we go. Now it's all. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Now it's all locking into place for Blake. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's happiest, snappiest schoolmarm. And you know what she always says? Learning is a lot like love. They both start with the letter L. And if I don't have it, I feel dead inside. Whoa. Whoa. Wow. She always says that? Yeah.

All the time. Dang, dude. She's got to have it. Learning, that is. Learning. A little known fact about Kelsey. I thought I would continue kind of exploring her relationship with... No, that's not true. It's not exploring her relationship with Blake. She doesn't care about Blake. Way! But just stick it in the plumbing sort of category. Just stick it in the plumbing, huh? Yeah.

That's not what you said last night. I want to get the Avenger. I want to fight. I want to kill Cthulhu. I want to stick it in their only... I want to get these three keys so we can kill Cthulhu, okay? I don't think that's... It's fine. Simple fact. Just let them cook. Kelsey...

spends as little time in the bathroom as possible. She's the opposite of that shit. It's like, as little, like, you would think she'd be a reader in there, but, like, no, she wants to be at her desk. Like, she gets in and out. Dude. She waits till, like, she doesn't go in until she knows it's ready to go. Like, all the way, like, bam. Like, that's how she wants it to go. She doesn't want to work on it in there. Like, she's got too much to do outside.

So she wins this rate of fucking fire. Like, pro-charter pedos ready to launch. And she fucking goes and gets it done. Just detonated on the surface. And gets back to work. So if she's ever been there for more than, like, 30 seconds, you know, like, something's wrong. Like, she's sick. Like, something's wrong. She's in and out. It sounds like she's broken the seat from just, like, the impact of leaping onto an ass first. Yeah, dude.

Dude, did she get a hand wash in there as well? She's like this mountain gymnast off the pole vault or whatever. Did she get a hand wash in there? About 30 seconds. You're supposed to wash your hands. Yeah, she washes her hands. Yeah, but I mean, like, I just, I'm sorry. Her secret's close enough that she washes her hands while she's on the toilet. That's not the point. The point is you're washing your hands after. She's got a whole system. She flushes it with her elbow, and then her hands are already washed. Ha ha ha!

Kelsey. She's ready to go. Will, can you please, please make sure at some point that we find the bathroom that Kelsey. She's gone to the bathroom like 10 times on the show. You just never know because she goes so fast. She's just been here and back. Blake is so impressed by that. Hi, I'm Anthony. I play Francis Farnsworth, a kid with a gun. And my peachy fact is Francis is the opposite. He loves to spend too much time in the bathroom. There it is. He sits there. He takes the dump. He does a courtesy flush, obviously, to get rid of the dump. But then he'll stay there for just hours reading his favorite book.

Serial comic books And uh Just thinking about things And eventually What's a courtesy dump If you're in there Is it just a courtesy To yourself Like if you're at school Hey it's called Be kind to yourself Matt Yeah that's true If you're in a public place Yeah yeah yeah And love yourself Uh you don't need to smell that Yeah but now I have a question About the courtesy flush Yeah wait I heard courtesy dump And I don't think That's like the same I meant to say Courtesy flush I'm sorry Yeah cause that's like Not

a thing. No, it's definitely a thing. It's just not a thing for Francis. And it's also not very courteous. A question about the courtesy flush. Doesn't that also give like a false sense of like, hey, I'm almost done in here. Who cares? I always thought the courtesy, I always thought the courtesy was to the toilet. Like,

The toilet? The toilet! You can only handle so much. You're talking about the risk of clogging. There still might be more to go. Like, let me just get you. Let me just, like, why would you? Sometimes they've been so bad that I have to, like, pinch halfway through and be like, I gotta get rid of this one first. Oh, no. This is where I take the whole thing at once. Oh, no.

Sometimes to complete an objective is good to set up like smaller goals. Yeah, exactly. It's the Kanban method. No, my courtesy flush is like a now you see me magic trick. It's like you didn't smell anything. I thought the courtesy flush was like you. Like if there's other people that can hear you flush and then you try to do like all the noisy part.

I can't believe we all have such radically different ideas of what a courtesy flush is. That's a shame flush. Also, the secret is, if you don't want to make noise, just put down some toilet paper in the water. No, that's not the part that's making the impact. The impact isn't the part that's making the noise. Wait, wait, what's making the noise and not the impact? Your butt! Your butt is making the noise. The sound of your butt makes. The sound of your cheeks, dog. Oh, I don't fart when I do. You don't fart? No. What? Is that not usual?

I literally have, I don't think I've ever farted when I poop. What? I'm converting to veganism. I'm converting. I'm converting. Holy shit. I'm a vegan from now on. I'm a vegan now. Holy shit. What are you talking about? You're fucking, you're fucking the hunt for the red on October. You're silent on October?

You're in the fucking North Atlantic moving underneath radar. No one can detect you, dude. You're straight up sonar fucking invincible in the bathroom. Are you kidding me? Fucking Matt Murdock couldn't find my ass. Are you shitting me, bro? I think you're literally just making it into the CIA right now. I think they just take anybody that can be silent. Oh my God, dude. Could you imagine if Anthony was a sniper? The amount of confirmed kills he would have? He's

so comfortable in the wilderness? He was like, where is he? We haven't heard him. He's in Alpha Sector, but he's been there for 20 days. When they hear him, he's like, he never makes a sound. He never makes a sound. He does courtesy flush, though. It does kind of give him away. Oh my god, Anthony. What was your fact again? That's the hardest. No, it doesn't matter. That's the hardest fact I've ever heard. He goes to the bathroom a long time, so long as his butt cleans itself. Oh god. What? Alright, no, we can't. We're not following that up, Beth. My name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, a

robot, dirty wife, homemaker. No, a robot, homemaker, mother of one beautiful child. Are you reading this off a script? You're looking at your monitor. Yeah, I read it off a script every time. Oh, really? I'm starting to prepare. That's how you lose elections. Anyways, uh...

fun fucking robot facts about fruity it's gonna be hard to top fucking silent but no no it's not good it's it's she doesn't go more than three days without washing her hair because of the oil buildup so there with like oil like like machine oil who knows like but it's a pun right like machine oil yeah but you know it's like you know there's yes yeah

Okay. You're not supposed to wash your hair that often, right? It depends on your hair. That's fair. Yeah. Her hair is oily. Her hair is pretty oily. She's a robot, Freddie. Good job. Why would the robot be lubricating the hair? Interesting. Okay. Hi. I'm Will Campos. I am your Daddy-O Master. Hey, Daddy-O. And my peachy fact this week is that...

If the whole earth's history was condensed to a 24-hour period, human beings would have been around for three seconds. And if all of human history was 24 hours, it would have only been 14 minutes since the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Wow. It really makes you think. It really puts everything in perspective. It really puts everything in perspective. I cannot believe we ruined our beautiful, gorgeous Earth, our home planet, in three sentences. It's got to be some kind of record. Do you guys want to... I want to kill Cthulhu. Fight, fight, fight. Kill Cthulhu. Fight, fight, fight. Kill Cthulhu. We have to start off with a little bit of housekeeping. Oh, God. I remember...

that I forgot to lock the door. Oh no, the housekeeping is coming in to make you remember that you guys got some items. You got stuff and I just haven't been using the stuff that I've been giving you. When did we get stuff? So I just want to remind you of some of the stuff that you guys have. So Beth Mothman gave Trudy a fun deck of cards and if you draw a card you have to make a sanity roll and you get a little cryptic hint about what the future may behold. We can only use that once but we can use it

more whole deck of cards man he uses it 52 times Francis you of course have a rifle however you also for completing the riddles and quizzes of my puzzle dungeon in the project heartland main building received a mego electric gun

Which was the thing that was zapping you guys when you failed your quiz answer. So you've got this weird bulbous rock that can zap people. And we hid behind the door for that. Previously on Peachyville Horror. Beth, you have another little treat, which is that you got a cool Geiger counter that detects when spooky paranormal stuff is happening. And things have been beeping like crazy. Yeah, we're sitting there being like, who forgot to change the batteries? What do I have? What does Kelsey have? Kelsey got a book of magic spells.

Spells. That was her item she got for escaping the Project Heartland. I like books. I want it. There's a whole bunch of fun rules you can learn to read spells and learn how to do spells. You got that going? What do I have? Blake, you have a cat. Oh, yeah. No, mine requires more questions. So, like, do you have a list of the spells? What we will do is at some point, if you get a couple of weeks to sit down and really familiarize yourself with this book or a couple of days or whatever, just you get some Kelsey time alone with this book.

You do some sanity rolls, and then you get to pick a certain number of spells based on how well you do. And I'll just let you go hog wild with spells from the back of the book. Whoa. But every time I want to learn a spell, I have to do a sanity roll? You, like, study the book. Okay. And depending on, like, how long you study the book for and under what conditions, like, you make a sanity roll. Okay. And then you also get, like, tasty treats from that.

So I just want to put that all out there. No, that's good. I should have been using this. I'm excited. When we last left you guys, you had narrowly escaped a spooky encounter with Trudy's erstwhile robot spider daughter, Tiffany. We fought a T-Rex. You fought a T-Rex. That's cool.

You were overlooking a lush valley with a sort of Bronze Age civilization in the distance, a big old stinky swamp that had mucked up from where Blake Lively had dropped his kids off at the pool, by which I mean where he used his old poop pond, and a big temple, a big ziggurat-style temple with a statue of a key, and there was a sort of religious ritual going on when you were spotted by one of these tiny figures in the distance. And I do have to perform a second bit of housekeeping here, which was that...

I said that the guy looked at you and screamed, Outlanders! However, I don't think he would speak English. So what we're going to do is all of the NPC dialogue until you find a way to communicate with them is going to be Peanut's voice. So he goes, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah! I think he's an Outlanders. How far away are we? We're pretty far, right? You're like...

I'm so bad at measuring distance. Can they run to us? It's a two minute sprint up this. Shoot as many of them as I can. You only have like 12 bullets or whatever. You have 10 bullets. They'll be in a line. You hear a scream go up from the crowd of people as the high priest says this, and you see them fleeing away from the temple towards this village off in the distance.

And then you see 10 armored warriors sort of like burst into action. Three of them stay behind to guard this temple. The other seven and the high priest hop onto these strange mounts and start charging up the hill towards you in sort of like a phalanx formation. Quick question. When you say strange mounts, like horses? Kelsey, obviously having done a really good job on her A encyclopedia, knows a lot about ancient civilizations. So I want to roll no. I'm just trying to get a sense, like, does anything feel weird? Like, does she look at this like, oh my God, we're in...

ancient times, or she looks at it and she's like, oh, they have, like, robot mounts instead or something. Give me a rope. Rope me something.

oh i got 69 but my no is uh 70 nice so passed all right because he always passes with a 69 69 it's always not as great as she thinks it's gonna be when she's like a nice little thing that before the real action started there's like a fun little diversion a little side activity oh and

Oh, I know what your asshole smells like now. That's fun. It's like the appetizer. That's like, we didn't really need that before the meal. It's like the bread and olive oil. You don't want to fill up on it either. All right.

Oh, fuck. Oh, that's good. With your 69, nice. This all looks, again, like if you had to classify this in a sort of civilization epic, this seems like a sort of Bronze Age civilization that you're looking at. However, it doesn't read as any historical culture or civilization that you're familiar with. How conveniently non-problematic.

It's completely new and different than anything you've seen. Although in terms of the technology, you would read it as about that same time period. But yeah, it doesn't seem like I can't really clock. You can't glock it. Yeah, glock it. Francis could glock it. Francis. Yeah. You have two guns. I do. You maybe protect us with the two guns. Yeah, I was thinking so. And show them.

The power of modern technology. Yeah, I was going to use the electric on. I'm really showing the power of making things. I'm Thor. Very good. God of thunder. This is a plan. So they stop coming at us. I bellow out.

Because they don't speak English, so why would I even yell anything at them? Chilling. And then I'm going to shoot the ground in front of them with the electric gun. So it's like, again, it looks like a big spiky rock with a little electrodes pointing off of it. It's not really for human anatomy. It's jury rigged so that a human can kind of fire it. You fire it at the ground in front of them, and this pulse of lightning zaps out of this thing and hits the ground.

And just a big chunk of dirt flies up in front of them. They skid to a halt on their mounts. A couple of them dive off. You see the high priest, like, rear up. Now that they're a little closer, Freddie, you were asking about their mounts. And they're like, they're not...

Horses, they've got like six legs, but they kind of look like horses. They look like a sort of like if evolution had gone a different weird way. A six-legged spider horse is kind of what you're looking at here. A centa horse. A centa horse, if you will. And then you realize as these guys get closer, they're quite big as well. They're like big and covered in hair. They look kind of Sasquatch-y. Do they know about Sasquatches in the Midwest at this point? How...

Wong has Bigfoot been real. I feel like it was a 60s thing. Oh, the modern version of the story gained popularity in the 1950s. No shit. The British explorer David Thompson is sometimes credited with the first discovery of Bigfoot in 1811. Noted liar, David Thompson.

So the horses are like the horses in John Carter from Mars, which have six legs. Oh, do they? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. They look like that. Matt, the only human being alive who saw that movie. A princess of Mars. So yes, you see Bigfoots on spider horses in ceremonial garb dive off of their mounts and sort of like raise their hands in the air like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Trudy. Trudy. What? I think they're scared of new technology. I think Trudy's our leader. Show me your brain. Wait, what? You could be like a god to them or something. Huh?

And it's not problematic because it's not based on any other race. I mean, she's almost a god to me as far as I'm concerned. She's like a robot. All women are goddesses. Well, yes, I will approach, but not too closely. And then I will press the mole on my neck that reveals my robot inner workings. Okay. This will really flip their gourd. You do that as you step forward. The moment she does that, by the way, Kelsey wants to look straight at the brain and go...

I can't look at it without this happening. And then she falls to the ground and pretends to like start shivering. Francis doesn't do that. Then they'll be scared of Shuri's power. They'll think that like it kills them. Well, no, then they'll think that we're lying because it's not happening to them. Oh, fine. Kelsey just stands there. Describe how you're doing this. What are you trying to do? Very much has the feeling of like,

Hey, check this out. Holy shit. I think the move is for the rest of us to kneel in deference. So I kneel in deference. That's a good idea. Yeah, that's what I meant to do. I kneel. Just these old joints. First, you guys give me a performance roll for your kneeling and how impressed you are. I should be really good at kneeling because I work under the sink. There is no performance. Is there not? Give me a persuade roll.

My persuade is 10, and I got a 94. Okay, so that's not good. My persuade is 55, and I got a 52. Okay. My persuade is 10, and I got a 53. Hey, Matt. You guys just have 10 persuade. Well, I'm not persuasive. What do you want? Some people are not persuasive. You ever walk around looking to see a guy? I'm stealthy. Beth, give me a persuasion roll.

And I was going to give you advantage for how impressive this bit of technology is. But based on how terrible your cohorts did in trying to kneel to you, they're kind of throwing off the vibe by like not seeming that impressed. So give me just a normal straight ahead persuade roll. I got a 44 and my persuade is 30. Okay. In that case, I'm going to say that they turn aggressive once again. Like for a second. Oh, come on. You just got shot at.

shot at. Yeah, shoot the ground again, motherfuckers. I could do this all day. It's electric. Sort of emboldened. They're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And they're just freaked out by what's going on. They're getting jittery. They're getting panicky. And one of them is going to throw a spear at you, Francis. That's sexist. They don't like to see a woman in power. They're throwing it at me. No, but they didn't respect Trudy, Francis. You shot at them. It's coming at me. Yeah, well, because you're shooting at them. Stop talking to me and pay attention to the spear coming at you. What if...

Blake, you said that there was a death trap here. Trudy, he's got to focus on the spear. It's flying at him. No, he's really far away. You've got a couple more seconds. Sorry. Hold on. It's quite the wind up. He's really going to put his whole body into this one. You can see the way he gyrates and twists around. It's like apocalypto. Yes, now he's dragging the foot and spinning and torquing. Whoa, you better be careful. Oh, wow, Blake, you should narrate the Olympics if they ever put them on the television. Give me one second.

It looks like he's got some time before the spirit's thrown. So what were you saying, Trudy? Yeah, what was that? He's taking a quick break, apparently. Don't worry, we'll be here whenever you're ready to throw a spirit at us. He's holding up his hand to aim. It's going through the air in slow motion right now while I look up what I need to roll from who? Trudy, I'm sorry for interrupting you. It sounded like you had a question for Blake there. Yes. You had mentioned a death trap here that you had put...

kind of close to your excrement swamp, and I was wondering if maybe we could lead this group. Ah, yes. The death trap is very specific. It is a line of rope across at head height. You can see that the death trap is no longer there, but it's been... And someone has taken it down. What the fuck? Millions of years between the time of the dinosaurs and what's going on now. I just tied that. What the fuck? There's a trip. Oh, so it's gone now.

It's gone. And there wasn't a tumble here before either, right? No, I was talking about the slow time thing, remember? Okay, yeah. So there's a lot changed since then. So yeah, I don't think a line was going to do much for us. My poop pond's still there. If I don't get killed by the spear that's coming at me, I think maybe we could try diplomacy? I feel like I can dodge it, though. It's going to move really slow. Yes, be careful. Make sure you stretch before you do any physical activity. I believe in you, Francis. I think you're going to catch this. Yeah, I think...

Francis, you have two options here. You can clutch or dodge. Hey, Francis, you know, rather than just sitting here being worried about the spear coming, let's do a little practice. I'm going to throw some stuff at you and you do a little catch, okay? All right. I'll throw a stick at Francis. Yeah. Oh, all right. That's close. Focus. Don't be looking at me. I'm looking at the stick. Okay, follow it as it goes. Imagine the stick is going much slower. Yeah. Don't look at where the stick is, but where you think the stick is going to be. Oh, that's hard. Yeah, ready? Oh.

right in the face. Oh, man. Okay. Let's do one more. That's what practice is for. One for two. All right, here we go. You thought I was going to throw it, but I did. You never know. I got it in my teeth. All right. I got it in my teeth. He's throwing a spear at you. Does he get mad because he's practiced? Absolutely not.

He's going to make a throw roll, which you can counter by dodging if you would like to, or you can just, I don't know, get hit if you want. Seems like a pretty clear answer there. So give me a dodge roll to oppose his throw. I got a five. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. It's like the only cool part of the Northman or whatever that movie that we saw that we ate. Where he catches the spear. Where he catches it and throws it back.

Okay, so five out of what? Five out of 30. It's hard not to be happy when you're a student. That's a super duper success, right? Yes. Describe the dodge to me. Paint me the picture. So I see this thing coming at me as I have for the last 20 minutes. I see the arc.

Almost as if it's visible. Almost as like it's a grenade reticle in a video game where you can see where the grenade's going to land. And I gingerly step to where it's about to get at the parabola. And as it comes down, I open my mouth. The apex. I open my mouth and it comes down. I go from the side and I just bite down real hard right before it hits the ground. And it just shaves off like a good centimeter of my teeth. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

And then keeps going and then hits the ground. Oh, no. But my teeth are still technically on the very end of it. So I kind of caught it in my teeth technically. Okay. So you now have one spear. We'll start a combat round. Blake, why don't you start us off? I'm going to grab the spear and use it as my weapon. Okay.

And then I want to do the thing where I, like, sweep the spear in a big wide arc to keep him back. Like, ugh. I mean, they're pretty far away from us still, right? They're still charging up this hill. We'll give them one good full sprint round to get up to you guys. Oh, well, I'm going to hold my turn and let the guy with the electric gun take another shot. Francis, this is your cue. Francis, it is now your turn. All right. We will call that a surprise round. You, by failing the persuade roll, have triggered their fight or flight, and they've decided to fight you.

I tried to be nice. You all saw, right? I tried to do diplomacy. Yes, you have done enough diplomacy. In the eyes of the international court, this is justified. Yes. Oh, shit.

I got a nine out of 38. Oh, boy. A nine out of 38. That's a super, not a super duper, unfortunately. Okay. But I'm going to shoot the first guy that's coming up right in the square in the chest. Bro, do you think it chains? You know, you hit one and the next nearest three people also get hit. Like District 9 where it's like, whoa, that gun did some crazier shit than I thought it would. I love it in movies when guns do crazy shit.

Men in Black was one of the best movies. Do you need some noisy cricket? Dude, in terms of guns, I did crazy shit. Men in Black is on top. Men in Black is on top, dude. I walked into that movie being like, this will be a movie about aliens. Little did I know it was about guns. Fucking sick ass guns. Every time I see a gun come out of a movie, I lean back and go, show me what you got. Let me see something new. Let me see something new.

Only two moves have ever satisfied me. Men in Black and Fifth Element. So I have the rules for the electric gun up. It's a little more complicated than I thought. Jury rig for human use. The weapon fires uncertainly. Roll 1d6 while attempting to fire. The weapon only fires on a result of 1d2. And then we'll give you your firearm skill for it. So it looks like that first one was free. But it does a bunch of... I rolled a 1! Oh, you rolled a 1! Okay, great. A bunch of bluish sparks fly out of this thing. Is this the guy that threw the spear at you? Is that who you're aiming at? Yeah.

Okay, so he rolled a 69, so you nailed it. This is a nice episode. Bro, two episodes, two rolls? Roll a 1d10 for your damage. I got a nine. Okay, so he takes nine damage. Does his head explode? No, but he's not looking good at all. He's got a scorched head. After I shoot him in the chest, I want to put out my hands in a placating gesture, like, calm down, calm down, like,

like waving them down, like stop. Well, I think that's offensive. You shouldn't tell people to calm down. Calm down. So he needs to make a constitution roll or he's going to fall unconscious. He passes his constitution roll. Darn. So he stays upright and just reels from this damage. Give me another persuade roll with advantage to try to calm him down. Oh, cool. Nope.

Kelsey, it's your turn. The temple has like a big structure of the key on top of it. Yes. And it's green key. Yes. Kelsey is going to pull out her notepad. She always used to write notes for all of her encyclopedia knowledge. Her accoutrement. Yes. She is going to wave her hands to me like, wait, wait, we don't want to fight. We just need. And I'm going to take out my pen. I'm going to draw a picture of the key. I'm like drawing the key and I point at it.

and point at the temple and point at trudy's brain and point at me and point at the book and point at the temple and point at judy's brain and then point at the guy do like an x sign like we don't want to shoot he that weird brain robot no shoot we're okay i like this give me a persuade roll

30. Okay. Yes. That's great. Having been zapped by this nasty gun and seen that it's nearly killed one of their Bigfoot compatriots, the high priest Sasquatch sort of like parses what you're saying. And then when you point to the key and then point to Trudy's brain and point to the gun, like his eyes go wide. And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He frantically waves to his guys. And then he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I can listen to these guys all day. The guy steps forward, like the main priest steps forward to you, Matt. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he points to himself. He points to the key. Whoa, whoa, whoa. And he points to you and points to Trudy like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes, Trudy.

Trudy. That's Trudy. Trudy. And I pointed at the top. Key. Key. And they all go key, key, key, key, key, key, key. Trudy.

Plus key is good. And I do a little dance. Like, good. And they all go, oh, wah, wah, wah. Yeah. The high priest comes up to you and he, like, gives you, like. Keep your iron sights on him, Francis. Huh? I keeps one in the chamber in case you ponder. He's, like, seven feet tall. He's, like, towering over you. And he does this, like, little bow. Like, this little bow. I'm like, wah, wah. Huh?

Ah, yeah. I bow back. Yes, we bow back. Yes. And then he stands up and goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he points to this city in the distance. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. You're from there. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why aren't you there right now?

Big questions. Big questions. Francis, you need to use the pointing and gesturing. Oh, the pointing. Oh, okay. Also, Francis, you notice that like the way this seems to be sizing up is that like the big priest seems like, oh, Kelsey, you must be the me of your group.

Yes. And then the Bigfoot that you shot at, Francis, she comes up and she's glowering at you and she's like, oh, you must be the me of this group, like the badass. And she like folds her arms and glares at you like, hmm. Yeah, except I don't get shot in the chest like an idiot. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I point to the- Is she cute? What?

I mean, yeah, sure. For Bigfoots, yeah, absolutely. And he born in a storm. When they point... He's been gone for like a day. Yeah, but I gave up on Carly. I'm on the market again. Oh, you're a free man. You weren't dating Carly. You weren't dating Carly. You just tried to murder her boyfriend. That's not the same as dating somebody, Francis. What?

Francis, Francis, we have, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The high priest points to the city. Okay. Then I pointed to the city. I go, what is that called? We, and I point to all of us and I point out like as if there was a city behind me and I go, America.

America, you, city. America. What? Shining city on a hill. What's yours called? Wa-wa-wa-wa. You can't really understand it. Okay. Wa-wa-wa-wa. But he's a wa-wa-wa-wa. And he motions for you to follow them to the city. Heads on the swivel. I point to the city, and I give a big thumbs up. Like, oh, that looks really cool. Before we go to the city, can we go to, and I point to the temple, and I point to the key. I go, key first? Yes.

He points to the temple. Yeah. We all point to the temple. We all point to the temple. All right. Yeah. He leads you down the valley towards the temple. Dungeons and Dags is brought to you this week by Rocket Money. Houston. Blast off. Houston, we have a problem, and that's too many subscriptions that I don't know about because I like to put my credit card number into sites. And not only...

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How many of these big boys are around? So you got like, you have a red new of seven big foots surrounding you. Okay, we're dead if we fuck this up. As you're marching down this hill, you see the three big foots that were guarding this temple like look a little surprised, but then they realize something important must be happening. So they're like, and like the main guy is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. They immediately snap to attention and like,

Step aside as you approach the entrance to this temple. As we're approaching them, there's like one little snotty Bigfoot who's trying to get them to break character. You know what I mean? Like throwing little pebbles at them. The guy's like kissing them on the cheek. Kissing them on the cheek. Trying to break character. He's got a big old hat. Yeah. Trudy, can I ask you? Yes. You have a little second here as you guys are heading towards this temple. Can I ask you maybe a little rude question? I'm just trying to, I don't know how much you've kind of examined or know how your robot self works. I was actually wondering the same thing.

if I have a translation app in me. Oh, that's even better. I didn't even think about that. Yeah, are you looking for... How do you look, Trudy? Well, I touch a different mole on my body and see what happens. Okay. Have any of the other moles done anything? Well...

I don't know. How many moles do you have? I'm one of the mole-iest people I know. She's like Lindsey Graham. Give me a no roll to see if I can just try to access your memories of yourself and just to know your own body to know if this is something that you have the capability of doing. This is the equivalent of getting system information in Windows.

I got a 46 and my education is 65. Oh, okay. Then you know all the models of graphics card. Yes. Okay, so... Trudy just typed in DX Diagon to run. Love it. You sort of like have this vague memory of when you were being installed into your body. Vague half memories of consciousness that have slipped past you since the months, I guess, since you were built. But you have this vague sense of like having...

this ability programmed into you to understand other like almost like the original treaty was able to communicate to you psychically there's a sort of latent ability like that to understand the communication of others that tucker had programmed into you and it's there's some way to activate it it's one of the many how many moles are on your body she's one of the most people in the world give me a d100

How many moles? 97. Whoa! So one of your 97 moles will activate this ability. All right, boys, let's press the moles. Pressing the moles.

I look for any irregular, maybe like cancerous moles that I might have. By the way, the average number of moles on a person, 10 to 40. Okay. I definitely have a lot. How many of your moles can you reach? I guess it's mostly just like any mole in your back. She's got friends with her, though. So every mole is reachable with friends. You have 97. I'm going to write down a number. Okay.

And if you roll the number, you can activate by hook or by crook your ability to universal translate. Remember a moment when you and Tucker were making love and he's like, whatever you do, Trudy, don't ever touch this mole on your own body. I don't think he ever said that. Don't touch this mole on your own body. I don't think he ever said that when we were silent in bed with the lights off under the covers after having both showered and then showering afterwards. Did he say it between his first and second pump before he ended? Ha ha ha!

Roll a 97-sided dice, I guess. Okay. You just re-roll if it's a 98, 99, or 100. Yeah, just re-roll if it's a 98, 99, or 100. 60. No, that is not the number. God damn it. And we'll let you just, anytime you want to call for it. You should let me guess what number it was. All right, I'll give you one more guess. Guess.

71. No, it's not 71. Damn it. But what did 71 do? I was going to say 64 like the Nintendo 64. It was not 64 either. So far, none of them have done anything. It's good that you're exploring. You should. You should learn your body. That's an important thing for us women to do. I was also just going to think, when we get to this key, do you have any part of your body? Again, I'm trying to be polite. Do you have a keyhole? I have a pocket. Okay. Well, I guess that works. We're just like...

I just more want to convince them that the key is yours. It belongs to you. So, I don't know. Your brain opens up. I was wondering if there's a slot. That way, when we get there, you'll be like, oh, hey, that's mine. I dropped that. That's mine. Give it to me. I don't see any pockets on these big feet, so maybe if she puts it in her pocket, they'll still think the same thing. I just think they're not going to take it.

It'll perfectly match the hue of the key. I just think they won't just give it to us. I was just trying to think like, you know. Yeah, it seems very important. How do you go to Lost and Found and you gotta prove they asked for your ID? So like, it's just like, you know, it's just like. As you approach. Actually, some places don't ask for your ID. Okay. Now you find out that Kelsey goes to Lost and Found and gets stuff. And just says stuff.

Well, most places ask for your ID, but if you stole your encyclopedias, you can plate your eyes. I lost my credit card. If you're a six-year-old teacher, honestly, they don't even ask. You just say, hey, I think I lost some stuff at this restaurant. Can I just get the loss of found? And they'll let you take anything, guys. As you approach the temple, the guards step aside. You step into an inner chamber, and it's got like a sort of pylons.

high stone vaulted ceiling. Spot hidden for key. Go ahead. I missed. Okay, you don't see a key. Well, this is lovely. I'll have to meet your interior decorator. The priest is like, whoa,

And so you see this mural wrapped around this chamber and like the priest is showing you this mural kind of. Oh, this is the story of your history. Oh, how would he know? Kelsey, how did he recognize what you said? Holy shit. He can speak English. He can hear it. He just can't say it.

Whoa. He can't. Yeah, don't just react to that. So we understand this sentence as well. I don't know how to get out of this. Be careful about what we say now. I think they can understand us. Yes. They own the English, eh? He sort of shows you this mural, and the mural depicts the cultural history of these people. Long ago, two tribes lived in harmony. Oh, my God. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Anything you would like to be excused by?

Is there another podcast you'd like to go to? Would you like to go to the principal's office, Anthony? Anthony's just fucking jamming the A button on his controller. Like, let me play this. Just give me the sword. Give me the sword. Hold down the A button. Skip. When do I shoot? Pause. Skip cutscene. Skip cutscene. Anthony, if you would like to play your Steam Deck while I'm explaining this important plot information, go ahead. I'm excited about these two tribes. Long ago, two tribes lived in harmony. Francis, pay attention. I am. Okay.

autism. I can play games and listen at the same time, I think. One tribe, a tribe called Quest. One from the plains and one from the swamp. And he says like, like when he's pointing at the swamp. He does not like the swamp people. Oh, you're the plains. I think these are plains guys. Until one day, a brave hero of the plains named... Do we have that document that does the user submitted names? I'm pretty sure somebody submitted link. Matt Arnold submitted link. Ha!

from the planes of Hyrule submitted. Hey, look at this user submission. This looks like a pretty cool guy. What did he write? He wrote like,

This was sent to us by Kiva. Thank you, Kiva. The name is Huxley Fiasco. So a Bigfoot named Huxley Fiasco discovered a pod in the ground, some strange thing in the ground with a key inside. Key! And the people of the plains deemed it a gift from the gods above, and that someday they would discover a door in the sky that this key belongs to that would allow them to ascend to another world.

The people of the plains worked nobly towards this goal, but they were betrayed by the greedy people of the swamp who coveted the key. They attacked the people of the plains, stole the key, and have hoarded it ever since. Oh, so it's not here. So some people have it. Give me a spot, hit, and roll. Kelsey? Oh, yeah, don't worry. I just want to see how good of a success that was. That was a super success. It was a 26 out of 55. Excellent. Okay, then you can tell that this mural has been painted over.

It seems like this temple has changed hands a couple of times. And so this story you are seeing might not be the whole story.

Unreliable narrator, dude. Perhaps if one were to take a closer look, but you'd have to do so under the, you're in the room with the Bigfoots right now. Can I just get really close to the picture? Sure. I mean, I want a closer look. Well, take out your reading glasses. Oh, you're right. My reading glasses. I take out my reading glasses. These things really double my spot-hidden skill.

My spotting skill is now 100. I take my reading glasses and I get real close. As you do that, the high priest gets a little suspicious of you. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I put my finger up like the classic teacher librarian finger. Like, shh, just wait. I'm thinking. Lean forward. Give me an intimidate.

I got 19, but my intimidated is 15. Yeah. I feel like you can push your role and risk the consequences. I'll use for luck for a shush. That,

That feels like a good thing to do. I got 53 luck. I shushed. Okay, so you shush him. And yes, with your inner librarian authority, you remind him of his Bigfoot mother, who he's very scared of. And he kind of backs off for a second. He's like, he's really turned on for a second. He hides his job. And thus therapy is born. Psychology begins. Psychology begins. So that's what it's like in their family.

Yeah, he has this confused look on his face as he's both aroused and intimidated by you. And then he backs off because he is also weighing, like, do I want to offend this higher up in this new group of people or not? So he backs away and lets you get a closer look. As you approach, you can kind of make out, like, what's been etched over and what's been painted over as you look at the mural. And you can tell that in a different, older version of the story...

He was gifted to the people of Grism Swamp by the gods below and stolen by a cruel villain named Huxley. What was it? Huxley Fiasco. And in this version, they're called Suxley Fiasco. Oh, wow.

It was stolen by Suxley Fiasco from the people of the plains, so the people of the swamp launched a cunning raid to steal the key back and have held it ever since. They've been plumbing the depths trying to find the door below that the key goes to so they can descend to a new world and join their gods, all while the people of the plains try to steal their key back. Ah, Trudy, if you look closer, there's another version that says, essentially both of them think the other is the bad guy, but I think in either story, the swamp people have the key.

Give me one more spot hidden, everybody. Not a spot hidden. Give me a no roll. No. 51 and my no is 70. Pass. I got an 11. 63 and my no is 28. Failed. Francis failed. Francis failed. Okay, so you two- We're both ogling your cool gun.

Let me hear a little bit of that. Yeah, I keep my finger off the trigger. It's a good trigger discipline. I don't understand. You say you pull trigger, but one third of the time it only shoots. Yeah, one third of the time is pretty good. If I was a batter in big leagues, 300 is pretty good. Other two out of three times. Yeah, it misses. But I'm getting up nice and close, so that's not even an issue. We just pulled the trigger again. You killed my dog!

No, now listen. You have a gun. I do. And I have a memory of my beloved dog. I will stand over here. I will stand over here, please. Keep it cool, bitch. Yeah, I curse now. You're such a cool teen. Thank you. Finally, somebody gets me. Are you maybe number one most popular kid in class? You know what? Yes. Wow. Now, Francis, we don't tell lies in this temple.

I mean, I am probably the most popular. Assuming they know that I shot a kid. Yeah, you were the most bullied until you shot a kid. They're definitely talking about me now. Yeah, they're talking about you. I got them talking. Press is good press. Hey, a win is a win. Francis, I have a question for you. Yeah? What do you think is going to happen when we get back?

I think Shane Silva Sr. is going to kill me. I think he's going to find me. He's going to pretend that I did. I have drugs on me and he's going to shoot me in the fucking head. So I'm going to try to kill him first. And I would love any help with that. Okay. Well, you're clear eyed about it. Wow. This kid's going through a lot. While that's going on, the two of you notice there is a star chart on the ceiling above you, like these constellations. And.

And you kind of realize as you're looking at them, and maybe A for astronomy. Oh, she knows everything about astronomy. You know everything about astronomy. And Trudy's a robot, so ipso facto. You realize that this spot you are standing on is like, these people think that this is the exact center of their universe. Mm-hmm.

They're like, this is the center of the whole of existence. Okay, as you're taking in these sights, the high priest is looking a little antsy, and he really wants to get you over to his city. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He points to not his watch. They don't have watches, but he points to his arm, and that's the symbol for let's hurry up in this world. And on his arm is a small sundial. Yes, he has a wrist sundial. Well, that's not going to work inside. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're holding it outside and it's pointed. He's like, I hear you just really quick. This painting does a show the door that they want to go to. Like, is that how we learned that? Yes. Okay, great. Cause then I point at that door and I go, Oh, that door. That's where we're from. Oh yeah. So you, they all dropped to their knees. So then I say,

All of you. And I point at all of them. And then I do a motion of like, go to war. And I go point at Swap. Swap, get key and bring it here. And I sit down and wait. Kelsey, I don't think you get to judge me anymore. The Bigfoot is like, whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, we'll go to the city. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's like, we should go to the city. Okay. This is like when you skip the cut scene and then another cut scene starts. And you're like, ah, two in a row. Okay.

Right? It's another city. No, no, no. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But, you know, it's like another city. He has more information for us, guys. Will is broken. We're off to the city! The city of the Blaine's people. So the high chief is like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he claps his hands three times. And the three guards give up their cool horse spider mounts. Hell yeah. Or four of them, because there's four of you, give up their mounts so that the four of you can ride these cool as I... And this is easy as fuck. Well, shouldn't Marbles get his own...

Malt? Yes. Oh, you show them marbles? Yeah, marbles pop. Hey, marbles, maybe not now. Fucking chill.

Okay, so then the cat goes back away at us. They're looking like unnerved at you. Marbles, I just want you to know that I've been thinking about you. And again, I am so, so sorry. Oh, God. Marbles still hates you for using marbles as a weapon to kill your robot daughter. I just don't think that it should be forever.

that Marbles feels that way. Trudy, I can take him. What do you mean? Like, I can hold on to him until he forgets about the trauma that you inflicted on him. How? No, no, no. Marbles meows skeptically like that's never gonna happen. Marbles is living in my skull, Hedlm. Yeah, maybe something will happen to Marbles and then you and me will be even. No, I don't think that should happen either. Hey, what the fuck is this?

Okay. I'm joking. I'm joking. I never do that. Trudy. I love all of God's creatures. Yes, yes, Blake. Trudy. Kelsey, Trudy. Is Francis always like this? Well, he's a youth, a teenager, and they can be so hard-headed. And, you know, just kind of a... But, you know, he's growing up and he's learning and he's...

and he's a work in progress. We all are. Isn't that, that's just the age old question with violent kids is, is that just, were they always like that? Or is that something pushed into it? Is it just boys being boys? We don't know with Francis. He's gone through a lot. So,

So we'll say all of this. You guys can continue the conversation. This is a, you are riding through the countryside on your spider horse. Oh yeah. We were good at it. Yeah. I was like, I can make you roll, but I don't want to think about like, you know, why just, they're fine. They're easy to ride. They're extra stable. Yeah. They got more legs. Right. And they're very obedient. The two legs are just coming out of either side of them and like perpendicular to the ground. So it's like, in case they fell over, it's just balanced. Yeah. It's like, it's like training wheels. Well, it's nice as they can break a horse leg and not get put down because they got five other legs. Oh,

Oh, wow. Think about it. Wait, spiders have eight legs. They have eight legs. Yeah, they can break all sorts of those fuckers. Spiders can break four legs and still have four legs. I shoot every spider the second it gets injured. You shoot every spider?

Yeah. So, yes, you go through these rolling plains towards this village. It's quite nice. It's quite pretty. There are sort of telltale signs that the area has kind of fallen on hard times. You see wounded people being tended to, a lot of Bigfoots missing limbs. Like, they've been through a couple of battles here, you know? You make your way through these statched-roofed huts, this little village that surrounds a big, like, almost like a Viking, you know, longhouse, like a Viking log.

and you enter and there's like two like sigils of a key on the door as they swing open. Really key pilled. They're really key pilled around. Oh, I had a bunch of fun details about that. Like they all have mohawks and then you realize that they've styled their hair to look like the riches of a key. That's cool. I was like, that's kind of fun, right? Kind of fun world building kind of stuff. We got some of that going on. Hey guys, look at their hair. It looks just like keys.

You roll in. Who's first? Who comes in first? On horseback. Oh, well, you've dismounted from your horses. I come in on horseback. All right. You ride your spider horse straight through the front doors. Yes. And they swing open. And guess what? What? This is a little treat for the person who opened the door. They look...

Just like Strider when he fucking opens that door. Do you know what I mean? What if he was riding a horse? What if he was on a horse in addition to being all sexy when he comes to Rohan? It looks like that. What if the horse pushed it open? And the horse looks sexy. Oh, that's true. Actually, yes, the horse pushed it open. The horse looks really sexy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this really sexy spider horse tassels its dirty Viggo Martensen hair.

and then lands and then reveals you. And you see at the end of this hall, a queen sitting on her throne, this Bigfoot queen. And her name is Anthony Hitme. Her name is... Where can I submit my name? Where's the submission form? I want to submit. This is from Charlene Lamphere.

And the name is Scarlet Fury. Scarlet Fury Fiasco. Key finder of the Plains people. Queen Scarlet starts at first as you barge through the door, but then the high priest quickly comes up and is like, Everyone's a titter as he introduces you. Everyone's a titter. And you, I assume, dismount. The queen rises. Sort of, she's looking regal and intimidating and...

Impressed, but also she's got to show her dominance. Kelsey, I point at me. Trudy? Trudy, I experience Scarlet Fury once a month. Wait, he programmed that in? It seems cruel, doesn't it? Yeah, what the fuck? What the fuck? Is that just so he can be like, oh, are you on that time of the month? What an asshole. So the queen...

steps up to you and eyes you. What were you saying, Kelsey? Did you say something? Oh, I just said my name and Trudy introduced herself. Oh, then Trudy may, yes, yes. Blake, reading the room, bows to the queen. I bow too. Most regally. She walks around you, kind of eyeing you suspiciously. She sort of strokes her chin, like thinking, whoa, whoa, whoa. Flex my forearms. And then she looks at one of the sort of members of her court. It was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And then he runs out. You hear like some struggling and scuffling. And he comes back in with a chained up human man in a lab coat. And he's got like big goofy glasses. And he's like a little nerdy looking guy. And he's like, whoa, whoa, just hang on. And he sees me. He's like, oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. Other humans. Oh, thank God. I was thinking, wait, what are you doing?

Who are you? Who are you? Identify yourself and do I know this man's toilet? Tucker Trout sent us. And then the queen is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, to the guy. He's like, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, you can speak. Yeah, I can speak. I'm part of Project Heartlander. You guys were... Did you leave the door open? Tell me you left the door open. Tell me we can get out of here. Did we leave it open?

I can't remember. The T-Rex left it. Yeah, I don't think we closed it. I don't think we closed it. And there's been a real problem with containment. But we need the key. And we're here to rescue you. Okay. Who are they, by the way? Who are you?

Who are you? Well, let's start here. I just told them that I'm going to be explaining something to you guys real quick so that we understand each other. Give me a couple minutes before they get suspicious. Meanwhile, the queen's like in the...

Far away, Matter Bay 2. When you say that, Will, the queen's like, whoa, another cut scene from this. Shut up. From their perspective, they have to wait. From their perspective, they also think Will's story is different. No, no, no. Now they have to wait for this guy to explain to us. All right, Tim. Man, new man. All the Bigfoots take out their Steam decks.

New man, what is your name? My name is Jenkins. I work in the Project Heartland Research Division. I came in this morning, Sunday morning. I was just trying to catch up on work. Don't tell Tucker I'm in here, okay? I mean, we won't. How long you been in here? Oh, I mean, I came in this morning, but time works differently here. I've been trapped here for weeks. I got captured. Okay, well, yeah, you seem like a very bad guy. Do you get- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm just saying he's a bad guy. I know, but he doesn't know that we know that. Oh. Hey, he's a bad guy. What do you mean? I think my face, it's hard to hide how I feel. Wait a second. And he looks at you, Trudy, and he's like, Mrs. Trout? Yes. If you're nasty. But if you're here, then, oh, something's gone bad. Something's gone really wrong, hasn't it? What? What's that? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, I'm in a lot of trouble. Tucker really said that I should expand my horizons and maybe clean some of the laboratories.

And so I wound up in here. So silly. Just a classic woman mistake. Okay. Well, I don't believe you, but look, we're all in a pretty bad situation here. Okay. It sounds like we're pretty cool. They think we're like, I guess we could have you killed. Do you know where the key is? That's what we need. The key is with the swamp people. They're on the other side of the world. Yeah. We already knew that. Kill this guy. Can you translate that? Yeah. What's the key?

Kill this guy in Wawa. Well, I'm not going to trade. Are you kidding me? Who is this? Who are you? That's Francis. Where's Nightmare? Wait, wait, wait. I have an idea. Francis, Francis. How do you say, this man is our friend. We need to save this guy. Oh, that's good. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, that's great. Because, yeah, they think you're. What did you tell them? You don't need to worry about that, Jenkins. You need to worry about what you're going. They think we're from the bottom door.

And we had some cool technology. We shot some stuff. Tree showed the brain and we pointed at the picture and said we were from the sky. Oh my God. Okay. And Jenkins, let me just be the first to say Tucker is very disappointed in you because of your time card is going to be very over time. But he doesn't even know I'm here. How does he know I'm here? How are you going to fill out your time card? Genius. Oh, geez. Oh, gee. Look, let's just regroup at the bunker and we can figure it out there. Okay. Okay. But first tell me how to say the thing that we asked you to say. No.

Oh, okay. Well, do we want to save him? Well, no, because here was my plan. My cunning plan is you can then say that and then wink at them and now they'll know you're not being serious and kill him. We might as well save him if there's security measures. You guys should definitely save me. We'll save you, but I have a question. Did you work for Project

Carly or not? No, we don't. We have part of the X unit. I do. She doesn't. We're a ragtag crew. Look, I'm in a lot of trouble. I need to get out of here. I am on your side. Jenkins, you're doing a lot of talking for someone that needs something from us. So just wait one second. I have a question. My name's Kelsey. You should know me. I'm the teacher in Beachyville.

So respect it, okay? Yeah, hi, Mrs. Grammar. Okay, quick question. You don't remember me, Jenkins? I don't. You taught me in high school. I only remember my favorite students. So here's the thing. What? Have you met the swamp people? I haven't met the swamp people, no. Do you get a sense that they're pretty similar to these people? No, they're way different. They came out of, like, the environment got contaminated in that swamp, and, like, they evolved. It's not the typical thing that we see when we run these experiments. What's the typical thing you see?

Oh, you guys really don't know anything about why you're here, do you? I'm from a different department. We are part of the X unit. Yeah. We know why we're here. We do black ops. Do you know what this place is? Do you understand what's going on here? I assume it's an experiment to see how society emerges over long periods of time. Like, you fuck with variables and shit and see what happens. Francis, that is good critical thinking. Ha ha ha!

Am I right? Yeah, that was great. You always have such a hard time when you read those paragraphs and you had to summarize them. But you, I didn't even catch that. You're not far off. Really? I did. So what we're in right now, and again, I need to wrap this up because they're looking a little suspicious. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. Say something to me. Like, sound angry. What if I don't believe that you're...

appeasing them what if i believe that you're not going to help us well you only have me to trust unless there's some mole on your body i'm gonna press another mole guess a number i'm gonna guess i am going to guess before she guesses this is important have you decided are there other numbers she could say that do other things and there absolutely should be yeah all right the three of you discord me a number and something it does on trudy okay that's fun

And Beth, you can do one too. I don't want to say that Trudy doesn't have control over a robot here. Somebody else guess a number and I'll tell you what it does. Because I can't provide the number. Oh sure, yes. You're right. Text me the thing. Freddy. What? There's a mole that makes me calm. I'm going to be pissed off. I've sent mine. Okay.

Yes, it was my plan to make Trudy like R2-D2, who just keeps getting more and more things added to him. With the Swiss army knife of plot robot. I'm going to guess the number 31. Nope, nothing. Fuck. That one's just cancer. When you say make him look angry, I'm going to slap Jenkins. Oh!

And then like turn to the three of them and be like, yeah, right. I'm in charge. Guys, just pretend it's cool that I slapped him. That was pretty cool. So cool. And I look at the chief. I go, you know, I got to take. And the chief's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Us CEOs know. Yeah.

Let's LinkedIn CEOs know that make it work-life balance. All right, Jengits, we're going to save you. I want you to understand the situation you're in now, which is you no longer work for Project Heartland. You work for me. Okay, great. I love that. And what we're doing is great. And we're going to get three keys because we're saving Peachyville from whatever you guys were doing.

Well, okay. Agree to disagree, but okay. Okay, that's fine. For now, we're on the same side. Great. I would love to learn more about what you think Project Heartland is because I'm a teacher and I should not close my mind to you. You're right. I was being a little closed-minded, so I would love to learn your perspective. I pressed mole 17. You pressed nothing on mole 17. Fuck.

Jenkins like looks at you. Crazy of them numbered. I said, go ahead. Tell them that you are my assistant and I need you back. Cause I can't do it without you. Okay. And he goes to them and says, I gave a thumbs up and you give a thumbs up and they're like,

And then they like cut Jenkins's ropes go and they shove him to you guys. He's like, oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Look, this isn't a safe place for us to talk. Let's go to the secret hideout and I can explain everything to you there. Okay. I don't like this. It's a secret from who? It's a secret from everyone here. It's just the observation bunker inside the chamber. Okay, cool. Cool. Will they let us walk over there? And then he turns to the chief and is like, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

And the chief like looks suspicious. Like the chief like wants you to stay. No. He wants you to stay in like Jenkins is replacing himself with us. He's like the chief is like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like gestures to the food. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I mean, it would be rude not to.

Yes, it's culturally important. Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, Tr

Queen Scarlet looks at you and like also presses like her body on like this. She thinks this is some sort of salute that you're doing. Yes. Okay. Jenkins, just tell them that because they seem like they're a little suspicious. Just tell them that it's been so long. And in our tribe, we all need to get to know each other. And we all need to get the food. Physically again for a little bit of privacy. And then we'll be back after I've done my lovemaking. And that in our culture, we get the food to go. And we'll be back for the food. So they're not suspicious. Yes, but now it's cold.

jenkins is like and he explains all of that to her he does like some gestures to like simulate love making like let's eat while he watches yeah so then he does some eating stuff and they're like whoa whoa whoa whoa and then she's like whoa whoa and then she looks at these objects that you have with you the mego electric gun your spell book this detector wand the deck of cards

And she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. She's sort of sheepishly, but like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And then she takes this crown off of her head, like this beautiful helm. Mine? I give her the electric gun and I take the crown.

And she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And then she points like number 46 on her body again. And then, you know, sort of just bids you farewell and gives you your food. And like, you know, sort of gestures like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Jenkins is like, the queen says that she's very looking forward to seeing you tomorrow to discuss how together you can crush the swamp people, retrieve the key, and reach the door in the sky. Cool. Great. Well, maybe we all want the same thing. Yeah. Okay. It seems like all of our...

Interests are aligned. Objectives are aligned. Yes, very good. Jenkins, lead the way through this secret. No funny moves, Jenkins. Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by AuraFrame. We made it past Black Friday. Finally. Thank goodness. Oh, did you forget? Did you need gifts? AuraFrame's here to save you. The number one digital photo frame by Wirecutter. According to Wirecutter, AuraFrames are incredibly smart and easy to use. You can upload unlimited photos and videos directly from your phone to the frame.

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So you guys are watching Jenkins like a hawk. As you write up. I want to roll psychology on Jenkins. Okay, give me a roll. And there's the vines that Freddie used before, right? That was 10 million years ago. Are there vines in this place?

Are there vines where? What are you talking about? Where we are. Are there vines? Hey, Jenkins, ask them for a rope. I fail my psychology role. I got a super duper success on my psychology role. Okay, great. So you can tell that Jenkins is just as paranoid about you guys as you are about him. Great. There's a mutual sense of distrust. It's a real scorpion in the frog situation here. I want to tie Jenkins' hands behind his back and he can lead us to the secret headquarters like he's a dog.

He's walking in front of us and he's on my leash. Okay. So it's about two days track to the, this is very far. I mean, it's a big world. It's a big world in here. You head to the mountains to the West. There's these like big, scary looking spooky mountains. And,

and you hear these whispering winds in the tunnels. Hey, Jacob, since we're driving really far. Yeah, we can talk pretty quickly after leaving the kingdom, right? This is, I need to, it's just, what's in there? No, this is bullshit. You want us to be in a special room so you can talk to us? We can talk here. No, it makes me feel like there's something in the room you want. Yeah, to, like, fuck us over. Like, it's not to talk to us. Like, if you want to talk to us, you can talk to us now. Okay. Explain what's in the room, you motherfucker. As the kid...

pointed out and I never got your name by the way I mean I did too yeah you didn't you don't even know his name god damn Francis you're so cool as Francis wisely observed this place god damn what did you tell him this place you guys seem familiar I mean like I'm seeing you got the electric gun you got the book you guys have all completed Project Heartland Orientation yeah they got the badges too right and you got the badges so you guys have completed orientation yeah we worked for

You already told me that you didn't, but that's fine. All I need to know. We completed orientation, but it was a while ago. Okay. Well, you remember when you had to shove that dimensional shambler into the stasis chamber? Yes. Yeah. This is a really big stasis chamber. That's why time works differently here. Every second out there is like a thousand years in here. Time is standing still in here. That's good. What that allows us to do, we're the research department.

Rather than having to spend our time researching technology, we can grow entire civilizations in here. And over the course of a day, they'll evolve past our wildest dreams and then destroy themselves. And we can just take their technology. I smack him. Oh, yeah.

What? Are you an idiot? One of these civilizations is going to evolve enough that they have a technology to realize where they are, and then they'll come and kill all of us. They've tried that, and whenever they do, whenever they get close, we press a little button, and we flood the entire world and kill them all. Yeah, no, I think they're going to get there. What's that button look like? Well, it's back in the master control room. We can't access it from here. I slap him again. It's like, you are just killing people. So now you're just telling me you're killing entire civilizations of people for your little games. It's funny to me that in Project Heartland, the...

The objective is to put a pin in the powers that be, so to speak. To control these otherworldly creatures that are scary and big, and yet you would do a vile thing like be the powers that be for this other civilization. Yeah. It shocks me. Man's the real monster. Well, here's one to shock you. Where do you think all the technology that created all those moles came from? My moles? Ha ha ha.

Yeah, mole number 47. You don't even know what that one does. Mole number 32. You don't know any of these. I hate number 32. I click it. You're...

your eyes go into party mode like a Tesla. And you just blink like red and green. That's like Christmas party, Trudy. Yeah, you didn't even know they did that? That's from like 20 civilizations ago. As Kelsey sees that, Kelsey just looks like, you killed an entire civilization. I look at Trudy who just has a party pose. For that, we are at war. We are trying to help. You see Francis is dancing. He's like, what is that?

We are trying to help humanity survive in a vast, terrifying cosmos. Okay? We're practically on the verge of destroying ourselves. I don't know if you guys have looked around lately, but the doomsday clock is two minutes to midnight. The second the atomic bomb came out, we were able to annihilate ourselves. I get it. You think you're smart and you're interesting. You're not. You're just a shitty, horrible, horrible person. Well, Jenkins, I want to know. We don't hear anything from you anymore. Jenkins, I have a question for you.

How many experiments have you run? Oh, gee, since I got here two weeks ago, about, well, let's see, we can do like four or five a day. Have any of these experiments yielded anything actually likely to save us? Look at our pioneering work in robotics. I mean, you're looking at it right here. I'm seeing party mode and that's it. You're seeing party mode and that's it? This whole robot here, everything going on.

under the hood. If you're playing civilization, I'd have to look up the serial number. It was before my time. But my point is that we are able to research incredible technologies that are going to help save the human race after Zuzel's war with the powers that be. And I know it's ugly work, but it's work that somebody's got to do. And that's what Mr. Jenkins right here is going to do. OK, we hear that excuse a lot. That's fine.

Jenkins? You're a Nazi, aren't you? This is an operation paper. I'm not. How dare you? How dare you? I'm as American as apple pie, sir. Yeah, okay. Well, that's fine. You're an American Nazi. Show us where this place is then. Just go ahead and lead us and don't talk anymore, please. Jenkins leads you to this bunker that's hidden in these mountains and you hear like a whispering sound through the wind and it sounds almost like someone's speaking to you and you can't quite make it out and as you draw closer and closer to the place he's taking to, it sounds like

It's pretty spooky. You get closer and closer and closer. Hey, everybody. It's pretty.

Shave and a haircut. Guys, do you hear the wind shave and a haircut? Let's think a minute before we say T-W-L-B-I-T-S. It takes you into this narrow slot canyon. And at the back end of the slot canyon, there's wind whipping around and blasting. And the sound is getting louder and louder and louder. And there's this tiny crack. And you realize the sound is coming through this hole. And you hear, shave and a haircut. Shave and a haircut. Hey.

And then Jenkins steps up to the hole. I'm holding his leash tight. Just, okay, just relax. I'm not. And he whispers into the hole, two bits. And then a door slides open. And this was the cool secret password that we had to figure out. Whatever.

Basically, you're rumbling and this rock wall facade slides away, revealing a bunker inside. Like a sort of World War II meets Fallout shelter type bunker. Jenkins, who was saying shave and a haircut? Is there somebody in there? No, that's just our security countermeasure. Like these people don't obviously know what shave and a haircut means. And this is, you know, so we can find the secret bunker. And then that's the password. It does feel like if you wanted to hide this place, you shouldn't have the door make sounds. Well...

It's fair. 400 fucking simulations, Ron. It hasn't been a problem yet, so, you know, I guess that's just, you know. It's spooky. They think it's spooky. They stay away because it's the spooky ghost mountain where things are cursed. A couple of people have gone to the door a little early and you just gassed them out of embarrassment. What are these bones over here? Shut up. Don't worry about that. Don't shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Wait, actually, I never asked.

How many of these places do you have? Is this the only one? Well, fuck you. I'm not telling you shit. And then he walks inside. Pistol whip him. Yeah, I pull him back really hard on the leash. He falls down. You answer the boy. Do you want to get out of here or not? Yes. You don't have any leverage here, my man. Do you know how to get out of the chamber once you're inside? We can figure it out. You know how to talk. Considering the security would say two bits, I'm pretty sure we're on top of this shit. Jenkins, you know how to talk with a swollen lip? All right, all right.

Maybe the foreigners will just live here. How about that? And you can live here with us. This is the only place. This is the only control room inside the experiment. Now, do you want to come in and see or not? Yeah. Yeah, I just wanted to answer Francis's question about how many of these there are. Okay, well, I did. How many? I just said there's one. You said one. I didn't hear because I was screaming. Ha ha ha!

All people with T-shirts should know that you can only use your mouth and ears. I'm doing my best to not lose it on this serial killer, genocidal, horrible human being that is part of our community and I can't believe is a part of it. And I'm doing my best. There's more of them than you think. There's a lot. We're going to stop them.

And I haven't even gone to the point. I haven't even told him that he's deadly responsible for that whole boxing match that we watched a ton of our fellow citizens die. So, okay. Jenkins, I would just advise you. I seem like I'm a nice person and I don't believe violence is the answer, but I'm just saying if you,

I'm close. Oh, I'm close. Okay. I'm close. Okay. Okay. So Jenkins leads you inside. He closes the door. Okay. And he shows you this bunker. So there's beds. There's a place for you to sleep. There's a pantry full of food. Like you get the sense that people spend a lot of time. Yeah, we get it. We know what bunker is Jenkins. We're not idiots.

He's also presumably gesturing like with his chin. Those are beds. That's a kitchen. He takes you to the control room. I just want to make sure that I am keeping him tight. So there's no way he's pressing any buttons. His hands are tied behind his back. You got a gun trained on him and he's pointing to things with his nose. And not like his nose at near any control panel. Here's what you see. So you see a video monitor that shows you a video feed of the control room outside.

outside back in project heartland. And on this monitor, you see Tucker when Tucker is moving so slowly, you couldn't even tell that he's moving because again, time is flowing much slower out there than it is in here. But you see Tucker is in the middle of flipping open a case. And inside this case is a syringe.

And you remember that he was talking about how he wanted to go fix Timmy. You also remember Trudy, then your memories as original Trudy. You remember the last thing you felt before going unconscious was a syringe like this sliding into your

Oh, my God. We've got to get out. We've got to get out of here. Well, we've got a lot of time, Trudy. Yeah, we basically have millions of years. I think we could literally live our entire lives, and then we would come out and be like a few more seconds there. I don't care. I just want to get out of here. No, I'm with you, Trudy. We're going to save your kid. Your kid is also in slow-mo. No, I just want you to know that we can. We have time to find a way to save him. We're going to do this, okay? So...

If you got stuck in here by accident, how did you form all this computer stuff? This has always been here. This is a part of how we run the simulation. If we want to granularly adjust, this room is another stasis chamber. This is a chamber within a chamber. So we have much more precise control over the flow of our time versus the chamber that we're in. What would happen if you put a third chamber in this chamber? And is there an exit here? So I was just getting to that.

The only way to open the exit doors for safety reasons is from the control chamber outside. And I can see from this control panel that right now we are locked in here. So even if somebody was like, oh, I got to go open the door, they move so slowly they would die before they open the door. That does seem to be the situation that we're in. That's not great. However, there is a way. They're actually the swamp people in the Bigfoots. That's what I call them. I call them the swamp guys in the Bigfoots. That's kind of just what I've been calling them. You guys call them whatever you want.

That's the least offensive thing you've done. So you can call it whatever you want. It's not going to change your opinion of you.

They both weirdly have developed this obsession with the key, and I don't know why Director Trout put the key in here. He does weird shit in here on Sundays. He's got his own research going on. That's what I think, anyway. That's why he doesn't want anybody in here. I just came in to sneak in to do some work, but it seems like he's running his own experiments off the company records. You snuck in to do work? Why did you have to sneak in to do work? Well, I had a lot of work to catch up on, and this was a great place to catch up on it because you get a lot of time to do it. A Nazi's work is never done. Hey! Hey!

Hey! Jenkins. Yes? You haven't answered the question about the third chamber. Ha ha ha!

I don't. I guess that would be crazy if someone did that. Put that file away for future expansion. Okay. That's a great idea. Are you interested in joining Project Heartland? You seem like you've got a good mind on you. Overtime pay seems a little bit shitty. Okay, never mind. So how can we get out of here? So weirdly, both of these societies, in their own goofy way, they're actually not that far off from the truth, which is that at the

At the top of this chamber is a flood hatch. That's how we flood the chamber. It connects to the Peachyville storm drain system. And at the start of every simulation, it opens up and floods the area with water. So there really is a hole at the top of the sky. And there really is a drain that corresponds to that hole.

way beneath the Earth. What if we're in one of the simulations? Have you ever thought about that? Oh, totally. So we're already in the third chamber inside the chamber. And maybe that's where the story of Noah came from. Kelsey, Kelsey, don't think about it. I've read stories about this. Don't think about it. That's where Noah came from. You guys, somebody started flooding the chamber and they said, we can't do that. They stopped it. That's us. And then our society did enough technology that we've made chambers in our thing. But we're still...

still just in a simulation at any second. She's chamber tripping. This happens to everyone the first time they go in the chamber. One of these assholes could just flood us at any second. Oh my God. The very same thing you said about the time dilation means that won't happen for millions of years as far as we can tell. Kind of makes what we're doing seem not as

bad right because it could be happening to us no that's not how moron because somebody does something to you doesn't mean you failed kindergarten so exactly how do we get to the sky and jenkins nods vigorously that's the question how do we get to the sky or how do we get to the bottom of the earth

Because that's where the drain that the flood water goes into. Oh, top or bottom. Top or bottom. Do you want to be a top or do you want to be a bottom? That's the question I'm asking you. It feels like it's going to be easier to go down than fly. It does feel like they haven't figured out flight yet. They haven't figured out flight, but it's way, way down there. And they haven't figured out the kind of drilling you would need to either.

I mean, it's a shovel. Neither of these civilizations. Neither of these civilizations have really figured out how to reach the top or bottom of the chamber. And they're not going to question Jenkins. Has it happened in the past? Again, it's happened in the past. How did they get there? Once societies evolve? Yes, I get it. They figure out rocket ships. They get to the. Yes. Yes. But that's my point right now. Every society eventually masters their environment enough to be able to dig and

And to be able to get up high. You said it's really far down. How far down is it? It's like. If we were to like dig like normal human beings and somehow make peace with both tribes and have all of us dig together, how long would it take us to get to the thing? The problem isn't you're dealing with bedrock. You're dealing with, it's not just soil all the way down. You need heavy duty machinery. The type of stuff. Maybe I have a mole that lets me fly. Oh, press one. Press mole number two. Mole number two. Um.

Mole number two. Is that a number? You shit your pants. Oh, nothing happened. Oh, you want to press another one then?

I'm not going to press another one for a while. Why do they program you to shit? We need to figure out either up or down. So, yes. The problem is they're not going to evolve this kind of technology for it could be thousands of years. Yeah, we can't live that long. I get it. So what do you want us to do, Jenkins? And he points you back to the control panel. He says, that knob right there.

controls the time dilation in this chamber. So we can fast forward this. We can fast forward thousands of years. Which budget is fast forward? Is there a bath

Oh, sounds like someone needs to know where the facilities are. Maybe if you guys had enrushed me. I pissed with him. Ow, ow, ow, ow. No, no need to do that. I was just wondering where the bathroom is. It's that way. It's his mouth. Actually, we have word jaggings. Where do you sleep? Where do I sleep? Yeah, that's the bathroom. That's where the shit goes, baby.

It's barracks. You're all going to smell it if you go in the whatever. Go wherever you want. I don't care. I don't like you people. If I break this thing, the time will go forward. So yes, there's this knob and it controls the flow of time in this room versus the chamber that it's in. And then there's also a clock to let you know how many years and seconds are passing in a room.

You guys want to do a little test? We can, like, make a sign that says, like, we're gods in here. We need a big drill. And then put it out front and then fast forward, like, a thousand years. And see how long it takes for a drill to show up. They don't understand English, so you're going to have to figure that out. Are you just giving problems or do you have a solution? You just throw feedback. Also, you speak wah-wah-wah. That's true. I do speak wah-wah-wah. That's great. I can go out and tell them. What do you want me to tell them? No, I want you to write that we need a big drill. Okay. Okay.

Make a big drill and that will make us gods happy and we will give you bountiful food and whatnot. Kelsey? Yeah. He's not going to write that. Hmm. It's probably true. We can do pictograms. Oh, yeah. Pictograms. There we go. We figured out how to go fix. They'll be able to figure out the pictograms. Okay.

We draw that. We draw a cool picture of us inside here shaving two bits. We're gods that will shave your two bits if you don't give us a picture. Don't drill us. Francis crosses all that out. I like this. Draw me this image.

Hey, Francis, you're going to draw a picture of his image? Here, I got a pen right here. I don't think I've ever seen Anthony draw something. I'm terrible at drawing. I think you would probably be better. No. No? Hey, you know what? I want to see it. That's the one who's so keen on this pictograph idea. Anyway, here's my pen. No, Anthony said pictograph. I was going to have Jenkins write it. That's true. While he's doing that, Kelsey writes the alphabet.

And then starts writing as many words as possible and like basic ideas of grammar syntax. She writes an encyclopedia. She writes, well, this is more about the language. And then I throw it outside and I fast forward a thousand years. I check and I'm like, do people speak English now? Francis, we can just make them speak English. Here's the idea. Why don't you start drawing? Yeah.

Well, I still did the fast for a thousand years. All right. Your thing makes sense, too. Well, we'll see what happens. Maybe it worked or not. If we go fast farther enough, they will develop usury. And as a result, interest-bearing accounts. So what we could do is eventually put our money in the interest-bearing accounts and become billionaires. There's a commonality between all of your characters, aren't there, Frank? Yeah.

I understand, but that's actually not a bad idea. But let's just do this first. Let's just check. I leave my head out. Anybody speak English? I shout out into the woods. Wait, wait, wait. I shout out into the woods. Wait, how does that work? If your head's out in that timeline and your body's in this timeline, do you come back and your head is like a million years old? It's turned off. Yeah, we can pause. All right, all right. This game's out of control.

What is the first thing you guys do? The first thing... Are you trying to teach them English? He's drawing a really complicated picture. Kelsey can more quickly draw the alphabet and some basic grammar ideas, draw a picture of a cat and play with a cat, and I threw that out there, and then I just wanted to check, well, you know... Do you trust Jenkins to help you with this? No, I don't even know Jenkins. Fuck you. All right, so Jenkins knows their language, so it would probably be able to help you. Yeah, but I don't trust Jenkins. Okay, all right. Well...

Francis is drawing. Fast forward a thousand years. Keep going, Francis. You're doing a great job. Thank you. This is just a little test to see what's up. And I open the door and I lean out and I just scream, anybody out there? All right, you open the door. Anybody out here? You step outside. Is the book on? The first thing's first. It's the alphabet I put out, God. So you just threw it onto the ground? Yeah, but I made it look pretty.

Like, somebody would pick it up. Like, if you saw it, it would pick it up. No one followed you here. No one goes into the mountains, as I explained, because it's spooky. So, no, your book just eroded into dust. Oh, okay. Did you look around to see what anything else that had happened in the civilization a thousand years ago? No, I went back. Francis, that was actually, that was useful because here's a little thing we got to do. We got to make sure whatever you draw, one, weatherproof, because mine just disappeared into dust. Oh, we'll make it into a paper airplane and throw it forward.

where somebody can reach it. That's the second, maybe not paper true, but that's the second thing you said is absolutely right. We should put it a little bit farther away than where we are now because it seems like even in a thousand years nobody came this way. So Jenkins, I was wrong. Your whole shaving haircut thing did work in a thousand years. Nobody came up here. So fuck me, I was wrong. I know, I can't admit when I was wrong. That's a pretty good plan.

How's the crime going, Francis? Francis, you're really going... I think I'm doing it, actually. Oh, Francis, let's see what you got. Examining... I think it's pretty good. It's unfortunately pretty good. Can I see? All right, I'll just show it to you guys and then pass it over to Beth and Beth will describe it. Pretty good. Thank you. Pretty good. Well, looking over your shoulder, Francis, I can see that...

It's more for human audience. Like, I was thinking more about a human brain. That's how my art connects with people. Oh, I see. This is us. You are wearing a crown and your stick figure. And there are two stick figures with long hair. That's Kelsey and myself. I have short hair, but that's okay. How are they going to know you're a girl if I don't give you long hair? That's fair. And with limited art skills. Two more stick figures.

Kitty stick figure and it's right next to me That's Kelsey actually And then our little box that we're in is glowing and then the people outside have Shovels and they're going down down down to a big

smiley face in the ground and it's glowing and it's smiling. I think this is perfect, Francis. Marvelous work. Now we just need to put this in the right hand. We have to put it on stone, I think. We should chisel it into stone. Okay. Yeah, Jenkins, it's good that you said okay because that's going to be your job. I feel like a chisel or something. And we're going to lead him outside. Oh,

We will supervise. Yeah. The four of us will be supervisors. We go until we can't hear the spooky sounds anymore. We go down into the mountain range. We find a nice little piece of granite that's overlooking the valley. Cool. Let's start chiseling. All right. And don't fuck it up. This is a great drawing. So, you know, replicate it. It's been a thousand years, right? Yes. As you emerge from the mountain, you gaze out at what once was the peaceful Bronze Age valley of this society.

And before you, you see something completely different. It's La Cienega and the oil. You see like a smog filled, sprawling urban hellscape. You see like, if you knew what steampunk was, this would look extremely steampunk, like a futuristic Victorian world in front of you. This looks so cool. I might make it my entire personality.

Trudy, I know you're married, but have you considered multiple partners? Hey, Francis, I think you need to update the picture of the shovel. You see like zeppelins in the sky.

Floating around. Well, let's just get on a zeppelin and go up to the top. You see zeppelins floating around in the sky. You see trolleys zipping that way and that. There's sparks of electricity that seem to be flowing through this entire landscape. And you remember that before you got into this time dilation chamber, you gave one item to Scarlet Fury Fiasco, the leader of this tribe. You gave her the Mego Electric guy. And it would appear that they've spent a thousand years studying it.

the big foots of the plains and the plains are plains no more. As you peer out into the city, you not only see that they have taken over this entire region, but they seem to have captured the swamp people, the ones who wanted to dig down into the earth to begin with. Like you see these big green creature from the Black Lagoon kind of looking guys being ruled over as a sort of proletarian underclass in this crazy metropolis-esque world. Let's get on a Zeppelin. Yeah, let's just go buy a Zeppelin ticket. As you gaze out at this world,

Two Bigfoots in like clockwork armor are on patrol and then they spot you and say, "Outlanders!" And I point at my crown and I say, "It's me, your god!" They fire a laser rifle at you. Goddamnit! ♪ The fear of the broken sky ♪ ♪ Was to feel that sword in us ♪ ♪ Twisted ♪ ♪ That I can see as a hole in the stars ♪

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars. Too far, too far away. But I'll stay.

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Well, yeah, you don't want to have sex on your period. I personally don't. I don't know why that was like a test match. I was like, what is Anthony going to say in response? What's Anthony going to say to that? What's his answer to me? Anthony, that freak. I've done period sex. It's fine. Real gangsters run red lights. What? What?