S2 Ep. 9 - Debate Me, Cowards
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. FBI Case File 34A-325 Subject Lincoln Lee Wilson

Well, well, well. What do we got here? Who are you guys? How did you get into my house? Lincoln Lee Wilson. Sophomore. Very tall. Soccer player. Well, well, well. You know what, Jim? My adopted kids, all 12 of them, the orphans, they're varsity soccer players too. Three of them are dating. I tried to get them to stop. I'm not comfortable with it. Eh, you know. Kids will be kids. Yeah, I guess they will. But you know what they're not? Fucking criminals. You're right. I'm a criminal. Take me to prison. Those firefighters at EMT. I...

Murder? Uh, no. We really couldn't care less if you dabble in murder. It's fine. Why won't anybody arrest me for my murders? Look, kid, we don't have time for your Catholic guilt. Oh, no, I'm not Catholic. I mean, my dad was raised Catholic. He's not anymore. I mean, I don't, I'm not against it. Shut up. I just want your friend, Taylor Swift. Taylor? Why? Take this bracelet, put it on him, and keep it on him. Oh, no, I mean, this is not his style. I don't think he's going to just put this on. That's your problem.

If you tell him or anyone else what's going on, or anything we've told you here tonight, we'll make sure your other daddy is just as gone and dead as your last one. Brad's dead? Oh, we don't know. We just assumed he was. You'll go into foster care. We'll put Marco in prison. We can do that. We get off on doing that. That's our whole thing. Nobody can stop us. Especially not you. I'm not gonna try. Because you're a kid. You got 48 hours to put the bracelet on him or you can consider yourself an orphan. Again. Let's get out of here.

Oh, hey, Link. Sorry I'm late. I picked up pizza on my way home. Who were you talking to? No one, Dad. Okay. Oh, by the way, sorry. They were out of pineapple today, so all we have is pepperoni. Oh, my baby boy. I know, I know, I know. I'm sad, too. Pineapple's so good on pizza. I love it. This is about the pizza.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is the story of four teens searching for their lost dads in a world forever changed. Yet for that one time, their granddad accidentally unleashed an eldritch god. I'm Benedict Cumberbatch, American man. I'm Freddie Wong, I play Taylor Swift, the block-rockin' samurai sword-wielding, katana-choppin' weeb-teen ranger, ranger of the group.

This week's rad fact, Taylor's the best person on the debate team. He's the best one on the debate team. It's too bad that he's not on this debate, but he slays at debate. Well, you didn't win literally any arguments when we were trying to agree what debate to, like, you weren't good at debating with us. The art of debate, as anybody who has done debate can tell you, has very little to do with your ability to manage your day-to-day life and your actual disagreements with your friends. Debate is about saying...

as many things as possible so that you get as many points on the board as possible so that your opponent can't refute them all. I'm, of course, speaking about a style of debate because I don't know if you guys, did any of you guys do debate in high school? No. I didn't do it, but I was friends with all the debate people. There's ones where you can prep

beforehand. There's ones where, for example, like they give you what the subject is and you have an hour to research it. There is a type of debate that is basically just get as many arguments out as possible. And if your opponent can't refute any one of those, that counts as a point on your side. That's Taylor's specialty, the gish gallop, the say as many things as possible. It's like when they shoot all that chaff off in the dog fight. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That is the debate style that Taylor was a master at. And unfortunately, you have no access to him because he's going to be taken.

and that skill to the FBI. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the stay-at-home sports kid, protective paladin of the group. I don't know. I feel like Link might die or go to prison for this episode. So, like, just some basic facts. His birthday is March 3rd, and

And every year he celebrates his birthday by his dad's take him to Outback Steakhouse, which is the most popular restaurant in America now. Oh, my God. Truly an apocalypse. Yeah. Nobody's under the age of 40 that shows up other than his parents because everybody that goes to the birthdays are just Marcos and he's an old soul. Grant's dad. Yeah. So, you know, he just sits out by many blooming onions as he gets. That's pretty much all he eats.

He gets as many as he wants on his birthday, which means he gets half of one because you can't eat a whole Bloomin' Onion by yourself. It's too much. That'd be wild, yeah. Yeah, that's a lot. That's it. Crikey. I'm expecting presents next year.

Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos, and I play normal oak, plain Jane, humdrum, ordinary garden variety, run-of-the-mill teen. Snoozers. Yawn. Rad fact about normal. If normal seems like he's got a bit more swagger, a bit more pep in his step, it's because he started wearing lifts to bring his height up to 64.6 inches, which is the average height, according to Google, of a 14-year-old.

What is a lift? Lift is like you slip them into your shoes to make yourself a little taller. He was sitting at like 63.7 inches. He's like, I got to normal this up. So he brought himself up to 64.6. It's like that picture of Robert De Niro on the set of The Irishman where he's like his huge boots that make him as tall as him. So how many inches are those lifts? That's like a .9. Okay, so it's like very subtle. Yeah. Okay, okay. Don't they smash the top of your feet into your shoes though? Norm wears flip flops. You can loosen your laces. With lifts. Yeah.

So everyone can see that he's wearing lifts. Yeah. That's such like an archaic rumor to spread about school. Did you know that?

Normal wears lips. Why don't I do this? Because you're a short king and you respect yourself. Yeah. I could be five foot seven and a half. You've seen the fucking surgery you can do, right? Where they just extend your bones. Oh, yeah. They break your bones and they put like external fixators in it. And then your bones allegedly like grow into the space, but only a few inches. And they're kind of fragile giraffe legs at that point. And they can't do it to the one bone that matters.

Yeah. That's right, your spinal cord. That's right, you need another vertebrae. They can't do that. My other dad fact is normal is saving up for the bone thing. Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about Scary.

She knows that black is technically a shade and not a color. You know, she knows that. So if you're wondering what her favorite color is, it is Mole's Breath from Home Depot. That's right. A very, very, very dark shade of gray. Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. My dad fact is that my favorite color is blue because I'm colorblind and blue is the only one I know what I'm getting. Aw. Aw.

You were all hanging out at Taylor's house. You were studying for the big debate against the mayor who has the sauce. The mayor made themselves known to you. This also happened after you all found out that Lincoln had to some extent kind of betrayed all of you, or at least just Taylor.

by putting a wristband on him that the FBI could listen to him through. He gave us friendship bracelets under false pretense, which to me counts as a betrayal. That's actually a bigger betrayal because the FBI thinks that's just following the rule of law. Like the false bracelets is a betrayal. He violates everything that Lance Armstrong and Livestrong bracelets do. Which in hindsight wasn't a lie.

Yeah, he cheated, which means he's actually very much in the spirit of the Lance Armstrong motif. Turns out that the FBI was listening for something. You didn't know what until the mayor grabbed your wrist, spoken to your bracelet, Taylor, and said that Nicholas Foster was nearby, even though he was not. And who is that? A portal opened. Taylor and Link were grabbed and thrown into what seemed to be a very large protective cage.

cell, like a prison cell type thing, like the thing they held the Hulk in in the first Avengers movie. You know what I'm talking about. Then the portal closed. Not before a certain ventriloquist dummy was also hurled through. Yes. Also, a tiny teeny was thrown through in lieu of a gun and the portal closed. And then the mayor kissed one of you on the forehead and said, see you at the debate and then disappeared, left the house. So

You are yanked through the portal by three men in hazmat suits, big yellow hazmat suits. Once the portal is closed, the FBI agent that you saw come to your house, Link, says something into his earpiece. The three hazmat suited men immediately start moving backwards towards the door while still facing you. They are going to leave the cell and lock it behind them. The cell is basically a big flat room.

room that is surrounded on all sides by what looks kind of like glass. And on every side of this cell, you can see machines set up. You can see people holding guns. You can see security cameras. Like Magneto's cell. Very much like Magneto's cell. Or X1, I guess. This is very much an observational sort of thing. They thought that something very dangerous was going to be inside here that they needed to keep an eye on and needed to have countermeasures in case it escaped.

If you want to roll perception, I can give you more details. Let's see what the old perception gives me. It's a room. Okay. And I got a 23. You can feel that, A, you were underground. You were far underground. Hold on, hold on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I accidentally opened up my old character. That's what that perception roll was. I can't roll a 23. Now it all makes sense. I got a four. Wait, what? This isn't your house. Well, I'm going to pick up Teenie and put him on my hand.

All right. I'm going to go to Link and I'll go, don't worry, Link, I got this. I will only speak through my lawyer. That's right. It's to me, his lawyer. So while you're doing that, they close the door and lock you inside. Oi, oi, this can't be legal. The FBI agent that you've seen, Link, presses a button on a console and says, uh...

Did he transform so he looks like Link? Somebody run a scan. Where's the fucking... Hey, no scanning without my consent. They press a button and... What the fuck? This red light kind of scans up and down the room. He leaves the fucking intercom on because otherwise it's gonna be a really boring scene. You hear a technician turn and go, it doesn't look like there's any sign of the savior. What?

The devil savior. He goes, God, you see the FBI agent like lose his fucking mind and just like sort of rub his hands over his eyes. I start banging on the window. Oh, hey, hey, wow. So we're not what you're looking for. I kind of point over to Taylor. I didn't tell him anything. How did the mayor? You should look into that. Let me the fuck out of here. Why don't you just go ahead and sit down? I got to think about this. Then he turns to another similarly suited agent, but one that's shorter so that you can immediately tell that they're an inferior agent.

And they both look exactly like Freddy, but one's wearing lifts. One's wearing lifts, yeah. Well, one of two things are going to happen. Either he's going to show up here looking for the fucking kid or I don't know. Do we get rid of him? Do we let the kids go? Yes. Taylor, they're not listening to me. Who was your lawyer? Oh, my lawyer right here. Oh, hello. Hello.

It's me, the lawyer. You see, this way, Link, we can say... No, I mean, but your mom... Like, you must have a lawyer. My mom has an entertainment lawyer who negotiates contracts that's pretty much useless for everything else. We want our phone call. This is illegal, right? Yeah, hey, we got a phone call. Go ahead and roll persuasion. Fine.

Not five. Nine. I cry. They turn off the mic and then you just see them like freaking out. It's safe to say that they're ignoring us. So we're going to have to bust out of here. We're like surrounded, right? We're like in a clear cell. Yes, you in a clear empty cell with no furniture in it. No furniture. Okay. But like there's air, right? Air comes in here. How does air come into the cell? There's a vent you can see above on the top of the cell. So the whole cell is glass. Can we reach it if we stand on each other's shoulders? Why don't you try acrobatics? Hey,

Hey, Link, give me a boost here. Okay. I think they're going to see us, but all right, here. Yes, but what are they going to do about it? I guess open the door. Exactly. We could run. Exactly. I'll take the vent. You go barrel out the front way. Okay. All right. I rolled a 13 plus 114. That's a natural 20. Whoa. All right.

Bad ones before then. What does your natural 20 do? You were climbing up me, right? I think the moment you get to my legs, I just fucking like perfectly shove him straight up into the vent. Okay, great. So you're just already in the vent. How big is this vent? It is man-sized like all good vents. Classic bad guys. Like all good vents. This vent checks out.

Actually, you know what? No, they were smarter. This one's smaller than a man, but it's the perfect size for a teenager. Teen size. Teen size vent. Small enough for a man, strong enough for a woman. So I get yeeted into this vent. Right. And everyone sees you. Oh, no, but do they? Roll perception, Andy. They're arguing about, because they got the

person. You roll stealth. Okay. I'm not rolling. It's not two people, Freddie. It's an entire group of people have guns looking at us. Two plus three, five, five. Yeah. Okay. So they definitely see it as you're climbing through this vent. You hear it.

distant at first. I'm going to hold my breath. And then, okay, great. So roll a constitution. I go, look over here. Don't look up there. And I started doing the whatnot. Four plus three, seven. Okay. I managed to hold my breath perfectly by run out by the time whatever this is gets to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There was no gas. And then you have to take a big breath when the gas gets to you.

And immediately you start crying. It's acidic. It's burning the inside of your lungs. It's not going to kill you, but it's going to take a lot to make you keep crawling through this vent. I'm glad it's you two stuck in this like jail situation because when I heard this, I would have been like, oh no, snakes. That's what I thought it was. Okay.

I thought it was snakes. The FBI was going to release snakes into the vent. Release the snakes. So is he just passed out up there? I think it's like tear gas. It's tear gas. It's like really hurting you. So you can decide to try to keep going or you can go back and get out. What's the penalty if I try to push through? If it gets bad enough, you're going to start taking really bad HP damage and then you might pass out. I think I'm going to press forward. Okay. I assume that the vent is also clear.

Oh, no, no, no. It's a diehard vent that's made out of metal and stuff. Okay, okay, okay. It's not like the X-Men thing where it's like a full 360. Yes, no. Completely empty. And there's just a me inside like a tube 10 feet in the air. Okay, if you want to keep going, go ahead and give me another constitution roll. Come on.

I just don't understand his endgame. 16 plus 3, 19. 19. Okay. So you get just far enough. So you get 19 inches forward before you pass out from pain. So you get just far enough to see that there is a grill in front of you that's pointed downward. Cooks the hamburgers on that. At the outside of the cell that Link is currently in. So Link's in the cell. You manage to move just beyond the bounds of the cell. Okay, fine. I'm going to turn around.

and then face back the way I came because you said it's very small, it's a tight-sized thing. I'm gonna fill my body up so that the gas now vents downwards into that room. They release tear gas into themselves. Oh, that's fun. Oh, so you're gonna block the vent? You're gonna Winnie the Pooh. Yeah, I'm gonna Winnie the Pooh it so that I shoot tear gas into their control room and all those Poindexters won't be able to handle it. That's pretty fun. Yeah, how are you blocking it? Are you just, like, curling up like a ball? It doesn't matter because I rolled a one. Yeah, you pass out.

I tried to do that, but I need to turn around so I'm not facing the vent. And so as I'm trying to like turn around like Austin Powers style inside this vent, I just pass out. I just pass out. You hit yourself on the head really hard as you try to do a quick three-point turn inside of this fucking vent. So like I'm hearing him like crawling above me and then I hear him stop. Yeah, you hear a loud bang and then it stops and then you hear one of the scientists outside go like, oh, I can see his face in the grill. He's like, yeah, he's unconscious. He's good. We're back to Scary and Norm. Oh!

Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh! Did you see that? What's going on? I can't believe I'm stuck here now. They get to go in like the cool like alt universe. I bet they're having the time of their lives. I bet like, I don't know, I bet they're being like interrogated and getting to say cool things like, no, fuck you. And I'm just stuck here. Scary. What do we do? Do we, what? Oh, for like the debate? Well, I don't know.

anything. Like, the guys just left. What's going on? I'm freaking out. So May Hales, who is here, says, okay, okay, I think what you can focus on is trying to win the debate because that's an immediate problem. Who were those guys, Mrs. Hales? She puts up quotation marks. That's the FBI. Why are you putting quotation marks up? What's that about? So are they, like, legit or not? Because they're not really the FBI. They're a shadow organization inside the government. Do they suck like the FBI? They suck worse than the FBI. Oh.

They're called the FBI, but it doesn't stand for Federal Bureau of Investigation. They're the Final Boreanaz Initiative. What?!

What? I don't know who that is, but I- Sit down. I can tell you all about it. They're really, really obsessed with demons. Not doodler stuff. Not like what we're doing trying to save the world. They're really obsessed with demons and hell dimensions and all that kind of stuff. Oh, that sounds metal as fuck. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, but not the way they do. They're being like narcs about it. They're not like pro demons. They're like, er, demons. Are our friends, are they going to be okay? Are they going to kill them with lady-

what's going on? As long as none of them have any like demon DNA in them, they'll be totally fine. Oh, okay. That's probably not a, I mean, all right. I don't know, Norm. Like I get like vibes from Link. He's so tall. Oh, oh,

I gotta sit down and then Norm just sits down on the floor and starts rubbing his temples. This has been a lot. This is a lot. This is a lot to ask of a 14 year old. May says, I know, I know it's a lot. What I would recommend is that you just get as good a night's sleep as you can. I'll head into Wrighton's dungeon. I'll pick some locks. I'll see if I can find some items that can help me find them. You just need to have a good day at school tomorrow for your debate. Are you fucking kidding me?

I don't this. I'm trying to be calm. I'm trying to be the adult. But what else can you do? I don't know where they are. You don't know where they are. You need to worry about the mayor because if you can't, there's going to be an incursion point. There's demon guys running around. We almost got killed by the mayor and we still got to do our homework tonight. That's what you're telling me.

I mean, I don't think we need to do like homework, homework, but if you could take point on the debate, like I'd really appreciate it. But May's got a point. Like we should get a good night's rest or whatever. I could tell you a bedtime story if you want. Oh, that'd be great. As weird as this sounds scary. I think that might actually calm me down. It's just, you know, it's been a lot lately. No, I totally get it. I totally get it. Okay. So once upon a time. I crawl into a Taylor's bed.

You huddled one of his body pillows? Yeah. There were like these four kids, right? Okay. And they were living in a town in like Maine, right? Keep going. This is helping. So like this...

They weren't very popular, but they became, like, best friends or whatever. But, like, that summer, like, a lot of kids were going missing. And, like, they didn't know, like, what was causing it. But eventually, it turned out to be this evil clown that, like, could personalize whatever each kid was super scared of. So, like, what are you scared of? Clowns?

Fuck, that's perfect. So, you know, for you, if this thing were real, like... But it's not, right? No, it's not. I mean, it could be, like, look at all the crazy stuff. Maybe it's, like, do I think about it? It makes it real. Yeah, that's kind of like what happens in the story, too. Oh, my God. So they think that they get rid of it, right? But no way. They grow up, and they have, like, kids, and they think that their lives are cool. But no, it follows them, like...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then you hear a computerized voice go, Taylor no longer detected. And then the lights in the room dim down and like purple lights and pink lights turn on and like smooth jazz anime covers start to play. And you're like...

Hello, ladies. Wait, when you're not there? It appears that the man, Taylor, has stepped out and has given you the run of his room. That's probably something it would say. To make us feel at home, right? That happens every time you leave the room. If there's people in there, if my Alexa detects that there's people in there and I'm not there, then clearly... Taylor's mom is very rich. So your mom's cleaning...

Or your mom just goes to your room for any reason. Please make yourself comfortable. Your mom learned not to stay in your room for more than 35 seconds at a time if you're not in there. Please make yourselves comfortable. There's a monster energy drink to your left. And then the lights turn on to highlight that energy drink fridge. Please avail yourself of the many Ramunes inside. You know what? Scary. That story wasn't as scary as this. I'm going home. I'm going home.

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Help. This can't be legal. My friend, is he okay? Also, what? Where's my dad? Is my dad okay? They press the button down and the FBI agent who came to your home says, do either of you have a way of summoning Foster? Foster? Yes. Nicholas Foster. His dad. So you really don't know shit about shit. Okay, great. This is going to be a waste of time. Press the pusher button. One of the fucking walls of the vent just like comes out a little bit and on a pneumatic arm. Okay.

towards you and just slowly pushes you back the way you came to the vent. I go to catch Taylor when he slips out. Like a crane game. Your ass just falls down through the, yeah, like a loose turd. Just falls out through the vent that you came from. And when you land, the shock of landing kind of wakes you back. I catch him very gently. Okay. Aww. Yeah. And I put him down and I go, sleep well. Sleep well, my prince. My prince.

Okay, if you want to be not conscious for this dialogue scene. No, I'm back. I'm back up. Wake up! I slap you. What are you doing? Did he buy anything up there? We got to get out of here. I almost made it. I almost made it. Hey, that was a good toss. Are you on the cheer team? You totally could be on the cheer team. Open fields, that's where I live. This is, I'm getting so claustrophobic. I hate this. I'm just like, I started running. I'm like running around like an animal, like around a circle, just freaking out. I start pounding. You're going to have the death of a kid on your hands in five seconds. I swear to God, I can't handle it.

to kill me take me off I'm gonna no I couldn't I would never do that looks like it's up to me and I'm gonna get link in the rear naked choking bag if you don't let us out I'm killing this kid and his blood will be on your hands so the FBI agent like like raises the fingers if he had an idea and then you do that and his finger like goes limp and he goes ah um I was gonna say if you don't do

Do something. We're going to kill your friend, but you're going to kill him. So. Wait. So. That's right. Link, this is the secret of debate. You always got to keep them guessing. I push him off me. Yeah. Okay. Fuck this. We'll kill both of you. What? If you don't stop us. If you want to roll insight, you can try this. Stop you? I mean. 13 plus 2, 15. God.

I don't know what you're saying. You don't know what he's saying, but Taylor, you can see that when he says stop us, he's looking directly at you, Taylor. What the fuck do you want me to do, dude? Whatever it takes to prevent this from happening and the ceiling tiles above you unfurl and you see a couple of like space age looking ass little laser turrets. They point at you through the glass. That is...

pure heat that is going to pass through unharming the cell that you're in, but it will vaporize you in about three to five seconds after I hit this button. So if you feel like, I don't know, calling for someone who might help you or unleashing a power that maybe you didn't know you had, you've got 10 seconds. Can we take a quick timeout? I feel like there's often a misunderstanding between adults and

us children. But like you did happen to realize when you took us out, there was a elected official like in our room, weird and dangerous. Like don't you think maybe that would be better than us two idiots that just were just what the weird person in the room? Did they have a demonic energy? I mean, yeah, that's one word for it. Yeah. Frigging she was wild. Was she on fire? No. Okay. Not demonic energy then. Okay. Waste of my time. Okay. 10. Um,

Nine. Miss Hale. Miss Hale. Please help. I'll die.

I'm working for a secret organization called Daddy's. I'm ratting the whole thing out. I don't want to work there anymore. I just want to find my dad. You want to take us to Corral? I'll rat them all out. These people are all... Our dads are gone. They made us do this against our will. They made us do this against our will. They're kidnapping children. That's right. They're forcing us to do things that they were meant to do. I have nothing to do with this. I swear to God. I just want to watch anime. I fucking play with my swords, okay, man? Our boss kills people, and now the FBI is killing...

- I know exactly what she looks like. I have every information you need on her. She, you put her away. I don't care. I don't care. I'll give you her number right here. These are all the things that she gave us. - My dad kills for her livinies. - Okay, both of you roll, 'cause you're not lying. You're just giving everybody up. So I guess roll persuasion with advantage.

Oh, thank God. 18. I got 19. Okay. I'm a hugging tailor. Here's what it is, Matt. We're both hugging each other and then over each other's shoulders, we're just screaming about how we're going to rat our friends out. So the agent cocks their head and presses a button and the turrets retract back into the ceiling. He goes, so you guys really don't know anything, huh? About anything?

I know everything about daddies. I'll show you the headquarters. There's all kinds of weird shit going on. We know quite a bit. It's just, I don't know what you're talking about. We're just, we're just trying to save our dads and we're trying to stop this weird stuff from happening because people are dying. They say, what do you know about code purple? Uh, we've heard, we've heard of it. What do you know? We don't know anything about it. They said, don't do it. That's the thing that they told us. They said, don't do it. Okay. Are you going to kill us? Uh,

That remains to be. And then at that moment, you see a red klaxon going off behind him and it sort of fills the room with red light. Somebody punches their way through the door and you can see that there's a long hallway leading to what looks like an elevator that the doors are just closing up. And this person's running hurriedly. You can hear the guy go, what, what's going on? And they say, he's here. He's coming. The savior demon's here. He's fucking here. And they go, oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. And fear, like all the blood drains from this agent's face. And he goes, uh,

Okay. Okay. If you want to get out of this alive, if you want any of us to get out of this alive, you're going to work with us. You're going to do what we tell you to do. Right? Right, kids? Right? Yeah, you're the FBI. We're kids. Yeah. Roll insight real quick. Four. 15 plus two, seven. When Link says you're the FBI, you see the lead agent like snicker for a second. And he goes, okay. Like all their shirts, like these look like they bought them on Venice. The laser turrets come back out. He makes a bunch of like hand gestures at all the men with guns and

all of them kick the doors open and leave them open and they all point down the hallway towards the elevator and you can see even from this distance the fucking elevator has like you know it's it's got a long way to go you can see the little like okay so they're all looking away from us they're all looking away okay i think these might just boost me back up there bro yeah let's fucking get out of here dude roll stealth with advantage

Oh, natural 20 plus three. Wow. Okay. So you managed to done it once. Yes. Yeah. I'm not going to make you roll for the athletes because you know, you know how each other's bodies feel. So you managed to stealthily and quickly get right back up the vent. They've switched off the gas since they pushed you all the way to the back and they don't notice you there. So you can again move forward pretty easily to the grill that overlooks the spot that all of the guards are at. Half of them would notice you when you drop down and the other half wouldn't or you could keep climbing a

around in the vents and see what else you could find. We're looking for fresh air, right? Can I just be in there? Do I have to roll? Let's like, it's a two man. Like you, cause you boosted him. Oh yeah. Yeah. I feel like he's got a role. He has to roll athletics to pull you up. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I'm very tall. So it's not as hard for me to reach the top two plus one, three. Okay.

So you, with your weak little anime arms. I got a two. Okay. I sprained my ankle when I jumped. You land and it hurts real, real bad. Can you try one more time with, if you hold Teeny up for extra length? That's what it was. He jumps and he misses. All right. And I feel like there should be a penalty on this next one, but then the next one, I'll hold Teeny's hand and then Teeny's arm will go out to his. And that gives us the extra six inches to maybe grab on. Oh,

Okay. I will make a strength check for Teenie to see how well Norm constructed Teenie to be the X Factor. I feel like that's because you made him. I think it might be intelligence. Like, how well did you craft this thing? Uh-oh.

That's a 19. Okay, so yes, using Tiny Teeny will undo the penalty I was going to give you for jumping with a busted ankle. Tiny is secretly made out of a bit of the actual foam from the actual Teeny head. He's like birthed from the flesh of Teeny himself. Yeah, it's like how the Norse believe that Earth was made out of Ymir's blood after they murdered him. Very similar thing. I guess I'm trying to decide between trying to just jump up again and join you, which obviously I would want to do, or just like trying to make it so that they don't know you're gone. Or we could do a three-way party split. Ha ha!

Has any D&D podcast ever dared attempt the three-way party split? That feels like the Daffy Duck, like, I can only do it once. Once again, you roll athletics, Freddie. You roll acrobatics, Matt. And then, because he's using teeny, I won't give you a penalty for your fucked up ankle. Okay. 12 plus 1, 13. I got a 9. You managed to grab him by the hand, but his legs are dangling. And now roll stealth with disadvantage.

Five. Five. Okay, so they see that you're dangling out of there. So somebody goes, the kids are trying to get out of the thing. Should we with the gas? Should we with the gas? And I'm going to roll to see. Should we with the gas? Should we with the gas? He fails his wisdom throw and he goes, don't worry about the fucking kids. The fucking white whale's coming down here now. Fucking let them go. Who gives a shit? Let's say with that, you are now inside the vent with your boy. And if you're up to the grill where you can see down sort of into the other area, you hear bing and

and some elevator doors open and suddenly you can feel the heat of the room that you're in increase by about 10 degrees. Like even in the fucking vents. Now that I'm beginning to understand what Grant was, one of the many subtle sniper skills he taught me, which is knowing the air directions. I look my finger and I just want to get a sense of it. It will help me like get through the vent, like the right way towards the central air. Yeah. So what you can feel is that basically the vents that you're in actually get rolled nature, roll survivals.

I got a four. I mean, I wasn't paying attention. Do it with advantage because your dad's a sniper. Oh, cool. So this time I got a three, though. Okay, even better. I'm fucking changing my dice. You know that air comes from outside. Okay, well... I got confident. I think it's this way. I point straight at it. Yeah, we're going to continue crawling through the events. You can either go straight on and sort of in the direction toward that hallway or you can turn to the right. Taylor, you're a survivalist, man. What the...

Where do we go? This is probably a central air system. And if they got HVAC guys pulling it along, then the straightest route is going to lead to wherever the central stuff is coming from. That's going to lead to the elevator shaft in front of us. Well, that's a demon. I know, but we're underground. The demon will go here. We'll go over whatever the hell's down there. So I think we go straight through. I hate to do this, but how well does Taylor know? Because none of us knew elevators existed a week ago. Oh, shit. You're right. Suddenly this guy's acting like an exorcist.

I just found out. I feel like the moment he found out about elevators, he's done nothing but research elevators in the two weeks. He checked all the conspiracy boards and everything he could find about up-down rooms. Fair enough. Roll perception to see if you can hear what's going on in the cut scene that's going on beneath you. 16. I got a 15. Okay, so you can both hear Taylor slightly better. The conversation that's going down there. It kind of echoes in the vent. Yeah, it kind of echoes up through the vent, like the beginning of Metal Gear Solid. You hear a...

that strikes you as ever so slightly familiar, Taylor, saying, where

Where is he? You hear a bunch of shouting voices. You hear a bunch of shouting voices and people shouting for him to get down on the ground to turn off his flame, to fucking get his hands behind his back. You hear this rhythmic stepping forward because his footsteps don't sound like anybody else's because it's almost like, you know, when like you toss a little bit of water onto a really hot pan and it just sizzles like that. It's like every footstep he's taking, you can hear that and you can feel some of that heat coming up in this vent, even though you can't see him at this point. And he goes, where is he?

You hear the FBI agent, the FBI in quotation marks agent in the back going like, he's safe for now. If you want to go ahead and make sure that he stays that way, you feel free to go ahead and step inside the suite that we've prepared for you, my boy. And you hear the hot guy voice saying, I don't think that's going to happen. Can I roll divine sense? Sure. What does that do? It lets me detect if something's good and evil. So I can make a sense of if I sense like evil. So you can feel that evil.

That's not behind total coverage. Just making it out there for the rules lawyers. Are we in total cover inside this? Who cares? I do not give a shit. Okay. So you can sense.

the FBI agent that came to your house and threatened to kidnap your father is evil. Cool. You can feel that the FBI agent that's working under him that's slightly shorter is also evil. More evil. Well, shorter evil. It's in a smaller area. It's more than nerve endings. More condensed. Yeah, he's got fucking Napoleon syndrome. So if he got that much power, he'd be way worse. And then the hot person that's talking and walking forward is both good and evil. That makes him hotter. Damn it. Yeah, sorry. Um...

You hear plumes of flame exploding. You can feel the heat radiating through this metal vent, and it's actually beginning to hurt and burn your hands. Do we hear a Wilhelm scream? Yes, you do. You hear one Wilhelm scream. And you hear that other scream that's like... Like the fucking Starcraft Academy scream? Yeah. Also, if you went back and listened to it again, you can hear way low in the mix the Howard Dean scream, but it's not...

It's not like in Breaking Bad where it's so obvious it takes you out of the scene and you hear blood hitting the fucking ground and you hear sizzling and things boiling and burning. That could just be coffee. That could just be coffee, Link. Let's go. And you are getting closer and closer to the elevator and you hear that same hot voice say, where the hell is Taylor? I look at Taylor. I'm fucking crawling faster, dude. Are you kidding? So you make it to the vent.

The vent opens just on top of the elevator. We take a quick second to marvel at the fact that you can carve a shaft out of it all. It's incredible. Yeah, it's very scary. Incredible. If you look up, you immediately get overwhelmed with a sense of vertigo. You've only been in one up-down room and you've never been in an up-down room shaft. But even if you had, even if you were a veteran of up-down room shafts, this would have been the tallest up-down room shaft you've ever seen. You cannot see its terminus point.

It goes on for so fucking high up and so fucking far. That's good. It means your chance of getting Emilio Estevez in Mission Impossible is super low. You'll have a lot of time to see that shit coming. Come on, Tyler. It's just like ropes in gym. I mean, I'm at my gym at home, but you guys do that too. I start climbing. No, wait, wait, wait. I'm already like 10 feet. I'm like, wait, wait. I'm just going to press the button. We just go in here and press the button. You're going inside the elevator? Yeah. Oh, okay. I'll stay up. No, that's just scary. I'll go in. I go in. Yeah, so I want to kick...

the top of it down and like press the button on the elevator for you know whatever the top floor is okay so you kick the little thing that is presumably in the ceiling of every elevator that allows people to do this is it by the way i've looked yeah i've never i've actually never seen one yeah me neither but it's here that's a full-on movie invention isn't it no i've seen i've seen one before in the wild really maybe i'm a full-on movie invention but i i've definitely seen like people working on elevators from the top oh cool you've been in an elevator and you've

No, not when I've been in it. I've seen like people working on shafts before. I've seen people working on shafts before too. I've seen people working on shafts to the internet. That's just so funny.

Yeah, you kick open the vent and you drop down into the elevator shaft. And just as you're about to press the button, the doors open and you see one of the scientists that you saw outside your cell has been like tapping on the up button as fast as he can. And as it opens, you can see behind him bodies that are cut in half, their wounds cauterized by a flaming sword. Some real Sephiroth in Shinra HQ energy. It's very similar. This is very similar to Sephiroth in Shinra HQ. Yeah.

And if Hero was here, she'd be like, oh, it's just like the ninja in Metal Gear Solid 1. You see a big, bright flame near the cell that you used to be in. Then you think maybe a fire's gone wild or something like that. But then the scientist who just pressed the button to open your door goes like, oh, Jesus, it's the kid. And I fucking Sparta kick his ass backwards. This little fucking nerd is going to get the full brunt of a this is Sparta heel kick on.

Sure. Give me an attack with advantage, an unarmed attack with advantage. Zephyr, strike! At the same time, I'm pressing the close door button. Those don't do anything, so it means nothing. Ha ha ha!

Still pressing it faster. You know what? It makes you feel better. Heal one HP. 19 plus 3, 22, baby. This is Sparta. This guy's so fucking hard. He goes back like three feet and lands directly on his back, which is a really nice reveal for that fire that you're looking at to all of a sudden get sucked back into one person. And you see somebody that looks kind of like they might sort of in certain circumstances be

be related to you. You see a man with one arm, with flaming hair. What? With flaming hair. Oh my God. With piercing eyes, with a beard that has not been shaved in some time, but in a way that's cool rather than gross. Oh, damn it. He is wearing a leather jacket, but not like the kind of like, oh, I do motorcycles, like a cool, like a tattoo.

Like a cool one? Like a tasteful one? In his remaining hand, he's holding a flaming sword. Hold on. Insight, what kind of sword? Go ahead and roll insight. Or go roll perception. With advantage. I mean, because that's all that Taylor has eyes for. Let's go. 13 plus 2, 15. With a 15, you can tell that this is a perfect...

Somehow, it should be a recreation, because it doesn't make any sense that they would have the real thing. Right. But it seems to be... Hanzo... A full-on Hattori Hanzo... Hanzo... Satana... Steel? And as you say that...

his demon eyes. So he's doing the thing where his head's down, but his eyes look up. Oh, yeah. That shit. And he locks eyes with you. And then he starts T-1000 running straight at you. I had to press it this whole time. Okay, so the doors slowly close as this figure starts running at you. And then he throws the sword as hard as he can toward the center of where the doors will close.

and I'm gonna have him roll. So the sword flies through the air in slow motion, and as it approaches the open elevator door, you see this man yell, "Taylor, down!" And you have a moment to do one thing. - I mean, I guess I'm gonna hit the floor. - Yeah, hit the floor too. - Cool. The sword is long enough.

It's like one of those big fucking like Uchigunata like fucking swords. Uchikatana. Uchikatana, thank you. That the hilt of it just barely is long enough that even with the blade of the sword embedded in the back of the elevator, the doors can't close fully around the hilt of it. So they blink and they begin to blink open. I've seen this on the internet too. If we were in handcuffs, we could do a cool thing where we use the sword to get rid of our handcuffs.

During that run, I tied my hands and then when I get there, I go, oh, perfect. I reach behind my back and I use the sword to do my hand. So you have one action basically before he is fully in the elevator with you. It's levered in, right? So can I just like lift it up so that it clears the doors? Yeah, sure. Because I'm still freaking out. Yeah, you're still freaking out, but the sword is kind of also made of fire. So go ahead and give me a strength check to see like, can you lever it up just enough that it gets. But guess what? A feature of me.

I have hellish resistance. I have resistance to fire damage without knowing it. Oh, I wonder why that is. I wonder why that is. No, you don't, but I'm doing it. What am I using? I feel like you're using a strength check to see if you can move the sword, the hilt of the sword, just sort of like angle it a little bit up so that it's out of the way of the closing door. Push it deeper into the elevator. Or you could do that. That's totally cool. Oh, yeah. 10 plus 3, 13. That'll do it. You can feel that even though this blade is hotter than hot, in the words of Ruby Rod, it is hot, hot, hot.

You can feel like this entire elevator now feels like an oven that you are just sort of trapped inside. But to you, it's not that bad. It actually feels kind of comforting in a weird way. Like it's warm, like it's a nice blanket being put around your shoulders on a cold winter's day. And you manage to angle the sword up just in time for the doors to once again close as this figure is trying to close the distance between you. And he goes, wait, wait.

and the doors close. Oh my God, is this Nick Foster that's Taylor's dad? I'm just kidding.

So as we're going up in the elevator. Yes. Then there's only two buttons. There's the very bottom and the very top. Am I like, is it on fire? Yes, it is on fire. Am I dying? Why would you be dying? Because you said it was super hot, but it was comfortable for him. Yeah. Okay. You know, when you open an oven or step outside in Arizona and you just get that like, woof of like hot air. It's just that. But you're not going to die from it. It's just very, the way you describe it was like, he's invincible too. Okay. You say you,

No, your dad. Is that your dad? He looked kind of like me, didn't he? Yeah, but like dangerous, like real bad. I mean, I mean, like cool, like you. Maybe that's what you look like when you get older. I did take a 23andMe test. I did say it have non-human DNA. What? This all checks out. Man, you're lucky your dad's here. I start pressing down. No.

That's your dad. And I felt he was like good, but like also evil. But like, I don't know. He didn't seem angry at us. And I don't know what's up there. Well, he can take the elevator. We got to figure out what the hell's going on. And I'm not. I don't know. I don't think you turn an up down room around after it started going up. You can't.

So the up-down room goes on for another 15 minutes. Oh my God. We quickly run out of things to talk about. Yeah, they should play music in these. I think it would be like a cool, smooth, like, lot of soprano saxophone. I feel like it really helped kind of make this go a little bit faster. Eventually, the elevator shutters to a stop.

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See store for details. The next day, dawn breaks. The crimson sky goes from black to red in almost an instant the way that it does every morning. Ew. Oh, that's the worst thing yet. That's so unsettling. Yeah. It sucks. It's just like the sun turns on? Kind of, yeah. Wow. The black sun still burns angrily in the sky as you head back to school for your debate. Man, it sucks getting to school before sun on. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

I hit on Scary by her locker before class. What's up? I'm feeling bright-eyed and bushy. I mean, actually, I'm feeling dark and, like, scary. Good. This seems like good that you're being... So, I can't remember. We left it off last night. You told me to go get a good night's sleep, so I...

figured you probably thought of what we should do for the debate, right? No, I took that monster energy that Taylor had in his room and I stayed up watching like death metal, like behind the scenes videos. It's just death metal AMVs that automatically played from the projector. Yes. Okay. Okay. Well, I stayed at Taylor's house. You stayed at Taylor's house. You're like, well, this is pretty cool. Anime might have something going on here. What are we, what are we going to do? What are we going to, how are we going to debate her? My stepdad, Terry. Yeah.

He always says, like, be kind because you never know what somebody's been through. Okay. I think that we take that logic and we use it to be like, hell, I mean, like, you know, just like sometimes I really piss Terry off by being like, I know you are, but what am I? Even when he didn't say anything. So just like, I think if we like.

annoy the shit out of this mayor, then she won't want to be mayor anymore. Plus, it's like, it's kind of weird that they have, like, kids debating a mayor. Like, what's the audience for the debate? Is it kids? Is it adults? That's a whole other thing. It is kids. You could use that in your favor. Yeah, nobody wants, like, to be around a fucking adult. I think we got this, you know? Okay. Okay. Let's do it. Your debate topic should be teens are cool and then...

teens are not cool and everyone's gonna fucking hate her okay you enter the government classroom and as always Norm's mom is there and she goes aha

The debate can finally begin because the mayor is already standing there at a podium that looks like it's made of like a fucking like oak. It's just you look all fucked up and weird still. Yeah, still no one is reacting to that. No, they're just like, oh, wow, it's the mayor. It's impressive that somebody so important is in this classroom. Delightful. You're getting the sense maybe the more that you talk to other people and the more that you talk to the firefighters and try to explain what went on in the kindergarten, that maybe people can't quite see the same things that you do, or maybe they don't want to see the same thing.

that you do. I have an idea. Yeah, go ahead. Wait, just follow my lead. Okay. I give you a thumbs up. I give you a thumbs up too. I give you a second thumbs up. Stop it at that. Your mom gestures at your podium opposite the mayor. She goes, oh, just the two of you today. That's fine. That's fine.

So, as is so often the case, we will go ahead and start by picking the topic and then picking a side for that topic. So whoever gets to pick the topic first, then gets to pick the other person gets to pick the side. Shit. Now that fucks up my plan. So the mayor says, I will allow you to pick whichever you wish. Maybe we make her pick the topic we

Yeah, let's do that. Scarlett, you really chill. I feel like we're getting along. Like, you know, every time it's the four of us, there's a lot of arguing, but it feels like you and I are in sync here. I think that we're totally in sync. Yeah, sure. So you two are talking and one of the students, a young girl named Skylar, turns to another student and goes, is it just me or am I getting like, are they like vibes coming from those two? No. Skylar nods knowingly to herself. Okay. You're like six. Why are you in high school? I'm really smart.

I passed all my SATs and my SATs. Okay, okay, I passed all my SATs too. I passed all my SATs, my scary ass test. Skylar cocks her head and goes, she goes, with that improv, I don't know if you did. You know what, Miss Mayor, we're going to let you pick and then we'll pick the side. Okay. The topic is, which has more influence over our personalities? Nature or...

Or nurture? Nature or nurture? What do you think? Well, I mean, nature's pretty badass. Like, we got that red sky and shit like that. And nurture just kind of sounds kind of dumb and, like, icky. I guess nature, because, like, I'm nothing like my parents at all. Okay. And I'm trying to not be like myself, which is how my dad raised me to be.

But I'm finding that kind of hard. So that would be nature, too. Yeah. We're going to say nature. We'll pick nature. Okay. I will be nurture. Okay. Damn, I feel like we just kind of handed her, like, the easy one. Like, lots of people are going to be like, oh, I love nurture. Oh, well, we'll just have to convince these stupidos that we're going to write. Stupidos. Okay. So what's going to happen is you get to go first, if you wish.

If not, I can go first. We're each going to get 90 seconds to speak. Oh, shit. And then we'll switch. And we'll do that, let's say, three times, trying to, you know, deal with the other person's counter-argument. And this is Anthony. If you want to roll for persuasion, then the quality of your arguments will be taken better by the class. She points at the class. She says, the class is going to be the ones to decide the winner. And the class, they don't know me very well, and they don't know you very well. So it'll just be based perfectly on the content of the argument.

of the words that we say. So that's fair. Some kids have signs that are like, nurture, danger. You guys should just bribe them in your last round. Just make a few for us, we promise to, and then just talk about how you're going to buy everyone McDonald's or something. So would you like to go first? Was there something last episode where we were like, if we win, there's no incursion? What was the... Specifically, you were trying to find a way to get...

the mayor to not be on the sauce anymore. In order to do that, you needed to make her give up the thing that made her connect with the doodler in the first place, which was, to your understanding, her desire to make her dead mother proud by running for and achieving office, essentially. If you win the debate, May Hales is in the back holding a sign that's just saying all this. If you win the debate, it will weaken her enough to the point where maybe one of us and then an arrow pointing at her, May Hales, can kill her and stop the incursion.

And then Mayer's like, what does that say on the sign? And Mayhills folds it up really quickly. Man, old people can't read far away for shit. So would you like to go first or would you like me to go first? Should we toss a coin? We could absolutely toss a coin. I'm going to toss a coin and you're going to call heads or tails in the air. Okay. Heads, right? I don't know. Tails is cooler though. Say what it is. What do you want? Tails. It's heads. Shit. Fuck. So that means I get to choose who goes first and I will choose that you go first. God damn it. Okay.

All right. When you are ready, say start, and I will give you 90 seconds. Okay. Do you want to go first? Ladies first? Okay, go for it. You can also talk together. You're one cohesive entity. Well, I mean, like, we'll be interrupting each other, talking over each other. We've got a lot to say. That's fair. Because we're going to fucking kick ass at this fucking debate. That's fair. That's great. That's great. Okay. You have to say start to start. I forget which side we're on, dude. Oh, my God. We're nature. We're nature. Okay. Nature. Okay. Start. Start.

So my stepdad, Terry Jr., got the same fucking name I do. Pretty ridiculous, right? And so, yeah, you know the truth now. My name's not Scary, it's Terry. It's Teresa technically, but I've always gone by Terry. Until my stupid stepdad moved in and his name was Terry. And, you know, he got that from his father or whatever, or his stepdad or whatever. He had daddy issues, like, hardcore. Yeah.

But I don't because I don't consider him my dad. That's right. Whoever out there who like really was my dad, like that's who I am. And no amount of fucking nurture or lack thereof can change me. That's right. I came out the womb ready to fucking fight and be who I am. And nothing's going to fucking change me or change anything. And that's true of all you guys. You guys are great just the way you are unless you're totally fucking stupid.

Nobody's gonna fucking change you by being like, oh, I'll nurture you or whatever. That's fucking bullshit. Go ahead. Follow

Follow me up, fucking Norm. Yeah. You have 24 seconds left. Yeah. And you know what? Nature's really cool. That's like mother nature, right? And we all come from mother nature. We come from the earth and we're beautiful children of the earth, not of each other. You're saying your parents make you who you are? That sucks. My dad sucks. I'll say it. He's like, I don't want you to be the way you are. You gotta be a different way. Our dads suck. Our dads suck.

Our dad sucked! Our dad sucked! Our dad sucked! That's time. That's time. Okay. Wow. Some really cogent arguments put forth there for me to rebut. How did the class react to our dad suck as a chant? I heard a whole class chanting to it. I got a 16 plus.

That's so wild that we both got 16. Wow, this is insane. Plus one. 16 plus two and 18. 17 and an 18. So yes, some of the kids in the class start chanting, our dads suck. The ones who hate their dads. The ones who hate their dads.

Which is about half of them. There's that one kid who's just like, I quite enjoy the presence of my father. My father has a dealership and he's going to give it to me upon his passing. I would never say it in a word. I can't handle what's going on at school today. Now it's going to be the mayor's turn. She's going to clear her throat and say...

Nurture. We are nothing without nurture. Scary or Terry, whatever she might wish to call herself. She has a lot of anger in her, and I don't believe that's because of her biology. I don't believe that's because who she is when she came out of the womb. She told you herself she was Terry until her stepfather showed up, and then she became Terry Jr. Jr. She's scary. Oh, yeah, dude. Hit the mark. The nature of her, that she was a kind person,

open person who used to play varsity soccer. She changed into a much more morose person because of the nurture that she got from her father that she didn't understand how to handle, stepfather one might say. And this one, this tiny little normal boy, you know that he was teeny the teen. He was born to be teeny the teen in a sense, but what was stronger than what was in his blood? It was

the desire for the love of his family and his friends. And so he abandoned what he wanted truly in his own heart to become normal. And what you see before you is a boy who is so very terrified of his own identity, so terrified of what his own DNA is, that he allowed himself to nurture himself into becoming something perverse and other.

And that is the most negative element of nurture. The best parts of nurture, kindness, love, the things that we all can give freely to one another, that is what makes all of us so kind and so loving and so great. And that is why I love all of you. I yield the rest of my time. You have two extra seconds if you want it.

I feel like we got off easy. Yeah, we got off easy, dude. So, first of all, did anyone laugh when I farted? That's number one. Okay. Do I roll for that? Yes. I'm trying to undermine her performance. Yes. Just give me a charisma roll. Scary's jaw is on the floor, by the way. Scary has changed sides. I got a...

Five. You got a five. When you did your mouth fart, one person, Kayla was like, but everybody else was actually kind of enraptured by what the mayor was saying. And so the mayor has also wrote for the quality of her persuasive role. And I'm not going to tell you what it is.

So you have one minute for a rebuttal to everything that I just said. I cast Vicious Mockery. Okay, what does that do? You unleash a string of insults laced with subtle enchantments at a creature you can see within range. If the target can hear you, it must succeed on a wisdom-saving throw or take 1d4 psychic damage and have disadvantage on the next attack roll it makes before the end of its turn. Whoa.

Okay, so she definitely failed her wisdom saving throw. So before the timer even started, what did you say to the mayor? You can talk about me and my stepdad all you want, but you're never going to impress your mom or who used to be your mom. She's not your mom anymore. Oh my God. Damn, dude. Do not fuck with teen girls and like, holy shit. So she takes a D, I'm going to go ahead and advantage that. She takes two D4 of psychic damage and you see one of her eyelids just go.

Like it just twitches just a little bit. Her smile does not falter, but you got through to her. If she's going to ever throw an attack at you, she's going to do so disadvantage, which actually I feel like for the purposes of this, the next thing she says to you when she rolls for persuasion, she's going to be doing it at disadvantage because she's going to be a little bit more heated. Yeah.

So now you have a minute to rebut the things that she said. I take a stand. Okay. And I say, our love for our families is a part of who we are, not a part of what we became because of them. And it is destructive.

Yes, you are right. My desire to love my family causes me to do all sorts of crazy stuff. That is an inborn desire. The same way your inborn desire to make your mom happy was given to you by your mom. And it has led you down all sorts of dark, destructive paths in your life. And that's because of who you are as a person, not because of who...

who you were raised to be. We hold these truths to be self-evident. Scary, put them in a body bag. We're born with this fucking rage inside of us. You can all feel it, right? Everybody in this room is angry and that's something we didn't even know was a part of us. Not anything that was tampered with by our parents or whatever. We were born with this. We got a...

That was good. All right. Now both of you roll persuasion. 21. Three. Hey, you know what? Okay. On top of Will's though, that's 25 altogether. Yeah. It's not bad. Or 24. It's 24. Yeah. Yep. There we go. It's not. Good thing you're not in math class. Now she is going to rebut your rebut and she is going to get a full minute to do so. So she...

arches her back, which is uncomfortable to look at and uncomfortable to hear because you hear the pop of every single vertebrae. And the number of pops you hear, there shouldn't be that many vertebrae in a human body. And she temples her fingers together and she takes a big breath in through her nose and a big breath out through her mouth. And she says, I loved my mother. She was cruel. She was harsh. She emotionally abused me every day.

Before she died, I thought, I will do anything it takes to ruin her. I will do anything it takes to make her disgusted by me, to live my own life. But when she got into that car accident, I died.

realized in that moment from the nurturing that I received from my father, from my mother's mother, from my family, that I needed to do better, that I needed to be better. I was born with that very anger that you speak of burning inside of me. But what changed me? What moved all that anger aside? It was love. It was nurturing from my community, from my family. I'm a much different, much kinder, much more loving person now, despite my nature, not because of it. Three things.

two is that it we get another one uh you're gonna get another one all right a minute or 30 seconds uh the next one's gonna be 30 seconds okay that went really bad this isn't going well scary you gotta play the crowd mrs uh swallows uh dash oak dash garcia comes in she goes okay so this final one we're gonna do final statements it's not to each other it's it's just to the crowd and uh

If there's anything, kids in the crowd, you want to yell out to really get the best out of the debaters, feel free. So you might have some questions coming at you in the moment, and it's going to be 45 seconds. You're going to get a whole 45 seconds. So it's you up first, my lovely son. But I'm not biased. I'm not voting in the debate, so no big deal. Both of you make great points, by the way. Say start, and I'll hit the timer. Just promise them pizza, dude. Yeah, I can go first if you want. Go first. You go first. I'm panicking. Start.

I don't fucking know who my real dad is. I have no fucking idea. But, like, he was a lot cooler and a whole lot more beastly than fucking this new guy, right? And I know that I'm the way I am because of him. And so wherever he is, if he ever wants to come back or whatever, that'd be, like, totally cool because I'm really cool because of him. And also, if you vote for us... How do you know that if you've never known your dad? Because I'm so cool and because nature wins and because if you vote for me, I'll give you free pizza. Oh! Woo!

I rip off my shirt.

My Jimmy Buffett shirt. Okay. And I take off my stupid hat. Okay. And I wipe the fucking mascara off my face and pull my socks off and rip off my soccer shorts from in my tighty whities. And then I grab a dry erase marker off the table and I put a big T on my chest. I say, I am teeny the fucking teen. And no one can take that from me because that's who I am. Not who my dad wants me to be. Not who my mom wants me to be. It's who I am. God damn it.

Now let's do the whatnot. And I try to do the whatnot. The what? The whatnot. The what? The what? The whatnot. All right, roll your D20s for persuasion or performance. Those are both very performative and persuasive. I got a 14. Okay. I got a 19 plus one. Wow. Okay. So with a 14, with the doing the whatnot, like you get the class to do the whatnot. They're doing the whatnot and your mom is like, oh,

Oh, no, come on. I mean, I'm personally in favor of kids expressing themselves however they want to. But like, I'll get in trouble. So, oh, come on. No more than what? OK, that's a little that's a little graphic. That's a little. Please stop. OK, OK. Everybody sit down, sit down, sit down. And every kind of calms down, settles down. But the whatnot excited them. You saw a lot of ears prick up at free pizza. This is what debating really is. It's not what you know, it's who you can buy. And now for 45 seconds, the mayor is going to get her rebuttal.

So the mayor cricks her neck to the left, cricks her neck to the right. When she cricks her neck, her neck like goes under the line of her shoulder as she does it. It's just like a little too far in both directions, a little too far. She puts her hands together almost in prayer and then sort of gestures at the group and she is going to start. First of all, free pizza for a year if I win. Second of all, I'm very rich. Third of all,

All of us have anger, have fear, have all these negative things that we believe define us, that we can't explain where they came from. They're just seemingly who we are as if they'll never change. But I want to tell each and every one of you, every child in this room, every teenager, every teen, every adult, she says, mentioning to the teacher.

You're not the circumstances you were given. They influence you a great deal, but you can be more with better circumstances, with better friends, with hope, with thinking, with meditation, with learning. You can be more than you were. You are more than you think you are. You have everything that you need to be perfect because you already are perfect. I yield my time. That's nature. You just said nature. If you already are perfect, then that was your nature. It doesn't matter. That's not going on the transcript. Um,

All right. So she rolls her persuasion and a couple of the kids of the class are crying. It seemed to go really well. So because this is a D&D podcast, sort of, there need to be some dice rolling. So some dice rolling is going to happen. That got you some debate points.

The majority of your debate points are going to come from me transcribing everything that we said within the confines of those spans of time during the debate. And I'm going to show it to some friends of mine that have never listened to a single episode of Dungeons and Daddies. Well, that's fucked up. And they're your friends? Yeah, and I'm not going to tell them which one is me and which one is you.

They are going to read through those transcripts and they're going to vote for one side or the other. Okay. And then I'm going to roll additional dice based on who gets the most votes and stuff like that. And then the next time we sit down to record, I will know who won the debate. But in the fiction of the story, Mrs. Swallows-Oak-Garcia says, what a lovely debate. Both sides made incredible...

I'm undecided. I love the idea of pizza just once. I also love the idea of pizza for the rest of the year. Both of those are equally good for some reason. But I just want to say thank you so much, Mrs. Mayor, Madam Mayor. And she goes, oh, just mayor is perfectly fine. And I want to thank my beautiful son, Nor, or is it teeny now?

Don't talk to me, mom. And I walk out of the room. Ooh, Hermie was right. Kitten does have claws. But Scary also. Scary walks out of the room too. Okay, cool. So I guess classes, well, I can't dismiss it. We still have like another hour in the class, but the mayor goes, how about that pizza? And the kids go, yay!

And pizza gets brought in. We got to kill the mayor. Yeah, we got to kill the mayor. It's actually a huge relief, Norm, because I was never going to be able to afford that pizza. Yeah, I wasn't going to ask because that felt like a campaign promise, so I wasn't going to follow up on that, but I'm glad they didn't either. That seemed like that could have really derailed us. I do want to do one thing. I would also like to cast Detect Good, Even, and Evil to see if I can sense how close we are to this encouraging going off. You cast Detect Good, Even, and Evil

Detect good and evil. And you sense the obvious that the mayor is evil. And you sense a lingering evil sort of bubbling up underneath the government classroom. Go ahead and give me an arcana roll as well. Can I roll two? Yeah, go ahead. I got a 14. 18. 18. Okay, cool. Both of you can sense that there is a bubbling bit of evil incursion juice under the surface of the government room. And if...

the mayor wins, then you actually roll pretty high. So you can tell that she's going to convince a lot of the people in that classroom to basically become followers of her and to preach her gospel, so to speak, and to spread her word throughout the school, throughout the city, throughout the world. If you won the debate and she loses, then...

Some of that energy is going to come out. She might be able to convince one or two people, but she's going to be much weaker if it comes down to killing her, in a sense. Yeah, we got to kill the mayor. Fudge. Okay, so we're going to jump back to the final Boreanaz initiative headquarters. You have a bunch of machine guns pointed at you. Taylor just said, are you guys going down? And then I'm going to follow up by saying like, because something's in there that's killing everyone. Ah!

I'm gonna run out screaming. Oh We run great okay, and I got my hands above me like when the Muppets freaked out yeah, yeah, freaking out persuasion or Deception or performance whichever you like that would be a 17 plus 2 19 19 18 so both of you got pretty good deception rolls so the FBI agents allow you to run past them and You hear like a rocket

is screaming up through the bottom of the elevator shaft. You can hear it behind you. There's an explosion as something punches through the bottom of the elevator shaft and gunfire fills the air. You go damn near death in this moment as explosions pop off from all

I assume you hit the deck or at least- We're just still running. We're just trying to get out of here. Okay. Don't look back. Don't look back. Just keep going, Link. Go, go, go. A comet, like a comet of fire, zooms over your heads, lands in front of you. The surviving gunman turned to point at it. So you're between the comet and them. The fire goes down again and you see it's this person that's been chasing you. This person that called you son. He says, Taylor. What? Don't trust anyone. And he tosses you. Oh.

Anthony's pulling something out again from his bag of tricks. So he tosses you this item. What do I see flying through the air? You see a ring flying through the air. Yeah, you see a small ring flying through the air. It's the ring of swapping. As a bonus action, the wearer can choose to swap places with a creature they see within 100 feet. That creature that is swapped with now wears the ring of swapping. That's by Eric...

Thank you. Thank you. Wait, is it like you switch bodies or switch places? You place it, but the ring has stayed in the same place. So the ring now becomes on their finger. Okay, cool. As he throws that at you and he says, don't let them use it. Make sure they don't get to use it. At that moment, more gunfire erupts near him and it tears off one of his flaming wings and

And he sort of goes down to one knee and he raises a sword. They're moving around you now shooting at him or whatever. And then electrical bolts shoot into him, into his chest. And then they freeze him and he begins to like convulse and stuff like that. He says, you have to stop them. Stop them. But you also see an open car in the parking lot behind him. Basically, you're in the lobby of the FBI. The Matrix Lobby. The Matrix Lobby.

And beyond the glass double doors at the other end of the room, you can see a bunch of cars. But at the very least, it's outside and it's not in this room. So he is racked with electricity. The bolts are just irritating him more than anything. But the electricity seems to be the thing that's making him not move. And he goes, if they take me...

Your grandfathers are dead. Can we get to the car and then like drive it back to him? Oh, is he completely surrounded? The men with the guns all move around you, kind of pushing you to the sides. You're up against the wall now, and they're now in a circle around him. The fire that's coming out of his body is getting a little bit dimmer and dimmer and dimmer. And it seems like they're waiting for it to sort of go all the way out before they fully capture him. OK, Taylor, I'm so sorry. I put you in this situation. We just get to the car, get to the car. Don't tell me twice. I think we're going to rush.

Okay. To one of the cars outside. Great. You pretty easily find that a couple of the cars are, because it's the future, they're just like ID-centric push-buttony cards that if you have somebody's ID, you can start them up. And...

Go ahead and roll perception or investigation. Natural one, baby. Plus two, that's an 18. Okay, so with an 18, I feel like you saw some IDs splatted on the ground as you were running through, and you probably grabbed... Oh, here's what it was. When I did the Sparta kick, the scientist's ID badge flew off his neck. I love that. So you pick that up. Yes, so you have that scientist's ID badge, and yeah, you can start up any of these cars. They are like four-door sedans. He drives the pussy wagon. Yeah, he drives the pussy wagon.

Yes. There are four four-door sedans and then one perfect one-to-one recreation of the pussy wagon from Kill Bill. You got to drive. Okay. Okay. I slip in. I say, I know your dad just said don't trust anybody, but you got to trust me. And I hold my hand out. Give me the ring. Okay. I take the ring and I look at his dad. I say, say hi to your dad for me. And I switch places with him. Whoa. Oh my God. And the moment I appear there, I go, don't shoot. I'm just a kid. I don't know what's going on.

They open fire. Oh, what?

We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today For tomorrow makes the city can't change We gotta pick ourselves up today, no, not today Just sorrow, tomorrow

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlow. And Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Maxton Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

Special thanks to Eric Sapolsky and Skylar for providing names and items we used in this episode. Some of the other fine patrons who support our show are people with the names of Christian Nickdow, Eileen C, Dylan Cook, Nathan Lai, Big Decimal, Trishy, Cuddle Squad, Maggie Ryan, Sarah Crabtree, Lauren Gold, Sean Bernveld, Serana, Slimy Sparrow and Tin Lark, Harold Winchester,

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Here's a little excerpt, just so you can judge for yourself how funny it is. I fear she is in some ways correct. My toes are much dexterous, far much more so than any of my sisters, and it has long been a source of some embarrassment, but also one may in their heart yearn to believe perhaps endearing and amusement? Endearing?

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