S2 Ep. 8 - Slumber Party Mayorssacre
01:05:45 Share

At BlueNile.com, you can find endless ways to make your moments sparkle, from classic and timeless jewelry gifts to creating the custom engagement ring of her dreams, all at prices you won't find at a traditional jeweler. And right now, you can save up to 40% on fine jewelry and 25% on engagement ring settings during the Blue Nile Anniversary Sale. Going on now. Go to BlueNile.com to shop the Blue Nile Anniversary Sale and save up to 40%.

That's BlueNile.com. Dungeons & Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

- Summer's almost here, San Dimas, and you know what that means. It's time for Centrist Vegan Ice Cream. Hi, I'm Rebecca Swallows-Oak-Garcia, substitute government teacher, mother of a very special boy, and founder of Swallows Vegan Ice Cream Parlor, where we love making you smile almost as much as we love bipartisanship. Reach across the aisle for a tasty scoop of our deficit-friendly flavors like Middle of the Road, Status Quo Yo, and new Neoliberal-Politan featuring three types of vanilla. And don't forget our means-tested toppings bar,

where you can make a reasonable amount of incremental changes to your order. Whether you're socially liberal and fiscally conservative, fiscally liberal and socially conservative, or if you just aren't that interested, we're sure to have something that'll make you say, "Wow, the system works!" Maybe that's why San Dimas' very own mayor calls Swallow's Ice Cream Parlor a valued contributor to the committee to re-elect the mayor. Look, my fellow San Demans, let's be reasonable. Does my vegan ice cream have problems? Of course it does.

But the only alternatives are communism and fascism. So come on in for two scoops of compromise at Swallow's Vegan Ice Cream, where both sides are yum. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is the story of four teens searching for their lost dads in a world forever changed after their granddads fucked it up and unleashed an eldritch god. This is them correcting the mistakes of...

the previous generation. These are their stories. These. Doink, doink. Doink, doink. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Lenny Briscoe, the hard, scrabbled cop on the New York Police Department. Hard, scrabbled cop. These partner Ben and Jim and Brad help some self-cribes. Hard, scrabbled cop throwing Zaws down nonstop. Yes. Getting triple word scores. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the

hardscrabble anime teen ranger. Hey, now that's a great spinoff series for the Lord of the Rings movie. Teen Ranger. Aragorn Teen Ranger. Aragorn, Teen Ranger. That's pretty good. I'd watch it. Get on an Amazon. Taylor's rad teen fact for this week. I mentioned previously a little thing called a blankie. Taylor has a blankie. We're getting to the blankie already. I'm in. The blankie is not a blanket. It is in fact a body pillow. Oh,

With two anime ladies on both sides. Oh, my God. So four all together? I'm seeing double. Four anime ladies. Four all together or two all together? Four all together. That's right. But like a different sort of like smorgasbord of moods. So he flips it depending on like, you know, what the ambiance, the aura, the vibe of the room he wants. What do you mean? Because how many vibes can there be? And then it's weird. It seems like one general vibe. Well, would that kind of come?

There's not a four-sided pillow, so it's like, are there four vibes or two vibes? Is like one pillow, like one side, like a happy girl and a sad girl? It's actually a trick body pillow. It's the same on both sides. It's like two faces going. So there's a fire and one of the sides of the body pillow gets burned. Can you take off the cover and turn it inside out and there's eight? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember those pens when you were kids that had like seven pens? Oh, the four colors? And then you press two colors on the opposite side and they get jammed up. You're like, I can't use any of these. There you go.

Are they from an anime? No, Matt. They're just anime girls. Are they OC? What are they? I'm just wondering because then there's the possibility that your mom might do the dub of one of the characters. I'm answering your question. No. Okay, so you know how Hello Kitty is not an anime, right? Like Hello Kitty was like a series. It's not hot. It's not hot. Whoa, speak for yourself, Beth. Some of us like some personality in a girl. Yeah, so it's like Hello Kitty, right? Sanrio is this company that just shits out cutesy characters that fit on keychains.

Obviously in the future, the anime aesthetic is so beloved that you can have Hello Kitty-esque. Fabrio. Yeah. Hello Kitty-esque characters that are unlicensed for any shows, but are characters unto themselves, which by the way, kind of already is the case. You have like Miku, right? Who's like a Vocaloid character that doesn't really have a show that she's a part of. She has a job. She's a singer. She does concerts. She's a person, dude. Yeah.

Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, a schooled at home soccer kid who's a protective paladin of the group. I guess this is kind of more of a grant fact, but a little fact about Lincoln here. This morning he woke up in a sweat because he kind of just like had that usual suspects moment where kind of like everything kind of clicked.

after hear about and he just realized like wait a second yeah he was like wait a second like every time they do like movie nights and they take turns like who picks movies and he's like wait grant's favorite movies were like the wall and maturity and candidate and and american sniper and sniper one and sniper two and sniper three and enemy at the gates like every single movie the entire sniper directed and he's like wait a second like he was really bad at math and like he didn't like to teach me math but like he was really good at like predicting wind and the physics of like

objects dropping as they're going very quickly. You could always tell how far away something was. Yeah, how far away something. He'd be really specific. Whenever he'd look at something far away, it would be very specific yardage. He told me how to throw a baseball with the Coriolis effect. He broke his glasses once and like...

He broke his glasses and Grant could just like literally create optics. He could just carve glass to like be the thing he wants. He's like, well, Dad, you're like really quite the Renaissance man. That's not a thing. And Grant says like, I'm really just good at one thing. He's like, what is that? He's like, oh, nothing. I didn't mean that. I didn't mean anything. You said me and your dad. That's fine.

of an assault rifle finally came in like after years. So to make it about Lincoln though, one of the few things that he was actually well taught in homeschool is that he's not good at math or a lot of things, but he's very good because the guy would use it to like explain like how to like kick like long distance shots like for free kicks. He's very good just like kind of knowing the wind and stuff. Just like estimating distance. Yeah, so he's good

He'd probably be pretty good at basketball too in a windy environment, I guess. In the future, they go, we play basketball. Basketball courts are now four times longer and you play outdoors in the wind. Hey everyone, I'm Will Campos. I play Norm Oak, plain Jane, run of the mill garden variety, ordinary teen. My normal fact for normal this week is that he likes Marvel movies. Oh,

Oh, this hurts. He thinks they're pretty good, but he thinks they're a little too wide. Yeah. That's a good opinion. It's a pretty normal opinion. Right down the middle. I don't think any of the three friends here could find much to say about that opinion one way or the other. Mission accomplished. Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Scary Marlin, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Phew.

She's a really high level warlock. So high level. Just keeps leveling up. Fun fact about Scary. Last year, Scary really wanted to get a tongue ring and her mom said no. So she, to like kind of simulate it, she put a binder clip on the tip of her tongue. Her mom probably had the argument of like, oh, you'll have a Lisper...

You know, one of those problems. Or swallow it. Or like, you know, one of those mom reasons why you can't get things. You're going to damage the back of your teeth. Yeah, or something. But to prove that she could handle it, she put on a binder clip on the tip of her tongue, but ended up cutting the circulation off at the tip of her tongue and had to go to the nurse's office with like a bluish black tongue, which she thought was equally cool until the circulation came back and her tongue was a normal tongue again. She was cool for a minute there. Yeah. I'm Anthony Burcham, your daddy master. Hey, daddy. Hi.

Just more high school memories. The first movie I ever made ever in my whole life was a book project where you had to prove that you read a book by making a little fake movie trailer for the book. And that book was Chuck Palahniuk's Lullaby. And that's the first thing I ever did. And maybe want to make movies with my friends that I would end up making movies with for the rest of my high school career. I can't remember if I've talked about this on the podcast before, but there's an incredible treasure trove of high school project videos on YouTube of specifically this scene from...

Oh my God. It's like a lot of kids have had to do exactly that for that scene from of mice and men. And it's just like, just seeing the sound effect for the gun. It's just, it is literally like a perfect punchline. If you're a teenager, you have to do a video about my submit. There's only one scene. Teachers should know. What are you doing?

And I have a feeling it's probably not a very sensitive depiction. No, probably not. The first video thing I did was an Oswald book, and it was of the old man in the sea. And I was just in my parents' swimming pool on a float like, where's this fish? Fuck, that's really good. That probably still kills shit. Some of you may have noticed that last episode we didn't roll for left-handedness or for whether or not Scary jerked off.

Regarding the latter, the next time Scary chooses to use the Kellogg knife, or I guess the first time, we'll roll for every episode that we did not roll for jerking off. That's also just more dramatically interesting. Regarding the left-handed dying thing. We got a complaint from the national left-handed. Of which I am the president.

Yeah, so Beth specifically didn't want us doing that anymore. No, it's not Beth. It was just like, eh. Well, can we do one more? Let's just do one more that just covers for the rest. Sure. Okay. Just do a hundred rolls right now. Actually, I'll roll a D100. It's the future. We finally fixed things. They made everybody right-handed. Today, today, today, Scary gets her surgery to become right-handed like everybody should be. To become a righty. So this is...

This is the last thing she has to roll to see if she dies or not. So let's say... If she dies in surgery. So what episode is this? Eighth? This is episode eight. Okay, so assuming that we get to 68.5 episodes, that means I'll roll 60 more times on the D100. And if any of them have zero, zero next to each other, that means Scary dies at some point. Oh, wait. Actually, what's really good is if she dies on that episode. So you know what episode Scary has to die on.

51, 52, 53. What happened? This is the worst. I'm sorry, Beth. I'm sorry I dragged you into this. Please kill the only woman on your podcast. I beg you. So what I was looking for was any time where there are two zeros next to one another. And there was a zero next to a nine. Oh.

So you were one away from having died in four episodes. Oh, wow. So now we know that you're not going to die any time in the next 60 episodes, hypothetically. At least not of being left-handed. But a couple close calls, you said. A couple close calls. Not from being left-handed. Not from being left-handed. Because you're right-handed now. I leave that character position to you. You're going down the path I can't follow. No, you will be lefty and proud forever. Yes. Yes.

Last episode, you found Grant. Grant was not having a great time, but he told Link that he wanted Link to not be anything like him. That's the way that he can make his dad happy is by not loving him and by not being anything like him. And also the current government teacher who is Normal's mom, Mrs. Swallows-Oak-Garcia.

told you that the mayor is coming to the school for a visit. And shortly thereafter, Agent Mayhales, your number two, showed up in a Never Been Kissed style, pretending to be a teen outfit, pulled you all aside and said that you're going to have to kill the mayor because the mayor is on the sauce. Or sorry, the mayor has the sauce. On the sauce means drunk.

So she said we have to kill the mayor. Yes. So because you cast charm on Mrs. Swallow's dash Garcia, you don't have to go back inside, but you can hear her from inside going. I actually thought it'd be a really interesting thing to have the mayor here to explain debate to all of you. Our mayor is generally known as one of the best debaters in the state. She was president of her debate team in high school. And I thought it'd be kind of fun to do a mock debate between a group of, say, four of you and

The mayor, when she showed up. Can we stop talking about bears, right? Miss Hale, you said kill the bears, correct? I'm like panicked. I'm looking at you. You said kill the bears right now. Yes. Can we all go to the bathroom immediately, please? Is Scary going with you? Sure, I'll go. We all need to go right now. All right, well, as long as Scary's with you, she's cool, so I trust her around all of you. Also my son. I also trust my son. No, thanks, Mom. I appreciate that. We all drink water at the same time in the morning. I know what that's like. Okay, so...

Please. It's a whole thing we do. Can we please go? I'll wait to tell you everything about the mayor until you get back from the bathroom. Don't worry. We look at the rest of the kids. You're welcome for the break. Everybody, just act normal. And can we go into our work? You mean Daddy's headquarters? Yeah, please. Okay. What's going on, bud? Everybody, just act real.

really cool and go down into the work. Okay, please. Link's being weird. I'm going to do a sense motive on Link. Yeah, give me some insight. I start walking desperately waving everybody to come with me. So what's your insight roll? I got a one. Who knows what's going on in Link's mind? No way of knowing. What a mysterious man. I'm following along. Are you guys all following? I decide to follow Link.

Matt has an impish smile on his face. Scary? Are you following Link? Yeah, I mean, as long as we get close to those doors again, I think good things are coming my way. If we have, like, I know there's, like, girl problems, but I got, like, boy problems. A private space where nobody could hear us, like, where our dads maybe talked about secrets. Like, any place where, like, my parents or, like, you know, gossips wouldn't hear about it. Just, like, any really quiet place. May Hale says, like, there's a bathroom at Daddy's HQ. But, like, we're, like...

There's a gross bathroom at Daddy's. I guess it's underground, so it'd be hard to hear things, like bad cell reception, all that stuff. Yeah, we are underground right now. So you zoom back to Daddy's HQ, you show up next to the vending machine, and she goes, yeah, I'll just lead you to the bathroom, sure. And there's a lock on the door on the inside. I know you guys love those.

Buddy, what's going on here? Hey guys, so this is going to sound weird. I got growth on my back. I'm a little worried, so I just really want to talk to all of you about this. Do you want me to pop it? And I say, so whatever you do, don't react to how gross this growth is, okay? Okay. On the piece of paper, I write down- Why are you writing stuff on a piece of paper? Guys, I'm drawing a growth. I'm drawing the growth. Why don't you just show us the growth? I got to draw.

Hold on. Something's going on. Something's going on, Norm. Okay, I'm showing you the growth. You're right. I should be showing you the growth, but instead I take a piece of paper and I write, the FBI are listening. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

What? I knew they were. I know. It's really gross, right? Oh, my God. That's why, I mean, killing bears is one thing, but, like, this growth is pretty messed up. Just, Link, what does the FBI stand for to you? The FBI stands?

I don't think they can help this growth. I need to go to a doctor, not the FBI. And then I write, I'm sorry. And I have tears in my eyes. I'm looking at all of you. I look at you, Taylor. I say, your yellow bracelet was given to me by... As you say that. No, I'm writing it. Sure.

But they heard you say FBI. Once I get a sense that something is afoot, I will aid my friends by saying, listen, I know how guys' minds work. It stands for female body inspector. Okay, roll a deception with advantage. So that the FBI handler who's listening on this. Ooh, 17 first roll. Ah!

The handler's like, I've never heard that one before. Hey, Chuck, you hear this shit? Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, check this out. Female bodies. So I write on the paper, how can we help? I write, act like you saw a really gross growth. That's metal as fuck. I'm pointing at my bracelet like, you, this, this.

Yeah, I'm sorry. It was just really scary. And the growth was really oozing and gross. And I was afraid if my one dad saw the growth, I would lose both of my dads because one dad thought the growth was so gross he left. And the other dad might be taken away because he did a bad job taking care of me. I write, is the bracelet cursed? I write, I don't know how technology works. It's his though. Just his bracelet. Just this one?

What? It's just Taylor's bracelet? I'm going to try and take it off. I write, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. I'm like scribbling don't super quickly. I touch it and I cast remove curse, which is a third level abjuration. I feel like it's not a curse curse. Okay. So it didn't work. Unfortunately, no. Where did this bracelet come from? Remember he just gave it to us? Remember when you specifically, Will Campo said...

Matt, if there's a fucking wire in this bracelet and this is some FBI sting plot and you fucking serpent code our asses, I'm going to be furious.

God damn it. So for the audience, the time we did that, like two days later, the FBI just came up. Anthony gave me an email. I'm not going to say what, but explaining what the FBI did to link. Wow. So I'm going to write audio video question mark. I shrug and I say, Oh, all I know is that, you know, I'm not really into hunting. And like, I know we got to kill some bears, but I'm going to be careful about talking about killing. I'm going to sink and I'm going to turn on the water.

And then run it over the bracelets the whole time. Hey, I assume they can't hear me over this. Who? You're talking about bears? You're fine. Look, it's water. You can't no wait. Okay, I know whether or not they can hear you. But I'm turning on both faucets. Oh, well, then they definitely can't hear. Two faucets? That definitely destroys the might of the FBI. What does Miss Hale do during all this? She's outside. She's waiting outside for you. Oh, I want her to come in and see all this. Okay, so she's there and she's like...

It's fine. You can say whatever you want. I'm running it underwater. Okay. Turn on that Dyson air hand washing thing. Oh, I press a button and turn on the Dyson air blade. Okay. Anyway, so. But it's a motion sensor, so each of us need to keep going. Yeah. Normal is waving his hand through the sensor over and over again. All right. So this should be enough to allow us to speak freely.

I shake my head and I plead and I write down, please, they will take Marco. God fucking damn it. What the fuck do you want me to do? All right. We have to remove a growth. Yeah. It's a big growth. It's going to be pretty hard to remove. And I personally have never removed a growth before. So that's new.

And maybe the growth is just, you know, with us now and we still have to kill bears, but maybe, I don't know. I just don't want to get arrested for hunting when we're not supposed to be hunting. But at the same time, the bears are the mayor. Oh, not the growth. I mean, the bear, we have to kill a bear growth. Yes. I write bear equals mayor.

And I write code word and like smiley face like cool, we're cool now. Since like growth is wigging you out so much, Norm, maybe we should have a whole list of words like growth that don't really mean the growth so that we don't have to say like-

What the growth is because you're so grossed out by it or whatever, like a pussy. And so like, yeah, let's all like do this for norm guys so that we can like talk freely, but like not, you know. Yeah, I'm tired of these code words. Yeah, the word growth really grosses me out. What if we call the growth like something that is happy, like the mayor?

So when we talk about the growth, we just say the mayor. Okay. Okay. So you got the mayor on your back. And we got to get rid of him. And you need to remove the mayor. So regarding mayor removal, there are many options potentially. I know there's some items we have around that it could maybe help. Will any of these items cause me to, for example, lose functionality in, let's say, my primary jerk in it?

So let's, yeah, so that was what I was going to ask you. I don't know if we have anything necessarily that works on the kind of growth that you have. Okay, then I'm out of ideas. I'm sorry to throw this all on you about my gross growth. I know it's just mad and it's not cool to see this stuff. Yeah, I really jacked up, fucker. Could we maybe smash and break the growth? And they may not necessarily interpret that as something that happened intentionally. Maybe if we make it seem like I accidentally lost my growth.

My mayor. Wait a second. Wait a second. Mayor. If the mayor on your back is listening to us.

Wouldn't it maybe be better if we like told a bunch of fake stuff to the mayor? The mayor would think everything was okay, but really, you know, we would be doing other stuff, but the mayor wouldn't know about it. The fake thing is that we're all going on a hunting trip to kill a bear, right? Far, far away. I see what you're saying. Maybe the mayor is a problem we solve for later, but we're just aware of it.

While we're trying to kill the bear, which I'm already scared about doing because I don't want to kill anything. Taylor as a ranger wants to roll an insight check into this technology as somebody who has, you know, played around with hidden cameras and like GPS trackers and magnetic shit as a gadget kid. Insights about sensing motive in other people. I feel like this might be more of an arcana. Let's say arcana.

Technology, essentially. Yes. Eight plus two, ten. Okay. So with a ten, you can tell that it definitely has microphone in it in some way. It has the ability to do something not ideal. You can't tell exactly what it is. When either removal is attempted or if it's triggered remotely. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay. When removal is attempted. So, oh my God. If they can tell that you attempt to remove it, then they could possibly, assuming they're monitoring it at that moment, could trigger it.

It took a lifetime to find the person you want to marry. Finding the perfect engagement ring is a lot easier. At BlueNile.com, you can find or design the ring you've always dreamed of with help from Blue Nile's jewelry experts who are on hand 24-7 to answer questions and the ease and convenience of shopping online. For a limited time, get $50 off your purchase of $500 or more with code LISTEN at BlueNile.com.

That's $50 off with code LISTEN at BlueNile.com.

That's true. Say goodbye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills, and unexpected overages. Oh, we could do a Deadpool Wolverine-like theme for this one. Mint Mobile's here to rescue, just like Deadpool rescued Wolverine from the timeline that he was in with premium wireless plans. Who rescued who? Starting at 15 bucks a month. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text. You know who talks an unlimited amount is the Merc with the Mouth in Deadpool 3. Delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Bub.

Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts into anywhere in the multiverse you might choose to go. Ditch overpriced wireless plans with Mint Mobile's deal and get three months of premium wireless service for $15 a month. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash dungeons. That's mintmobile.com slash dungeons. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash dungeons.

$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. C-Mint Mobile for details.

Dungeons and Dragons brought to you this week by Rocket Money. Rocket Money cancels subscriptions for you, and they also negotiate lower bills. Like, this is a thing you pay for, but guess what? It saves you money. That's how it works. How much do you think you're overpaying in subscriptions every month? Too much. 74% of people have subscriptions they've straight up forgotten about.

Like me. You know what I'm going to do is I'm going to start doing like the guy in Memento and I'm just going to tattoo all my subscriptions on my body and that way I'll remember. Yeah, it's like I got one on my chest that says YouTube TV and it says never trust this guy. There's just a big one on my chest that says John G signed me up for Adobe Cloud. John G didn't have a Roku. Ha ha.

Most Americans think they spend about $62 a month on subscriptions. But guess what? The real number? Closer to $300. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. With Rocket Money, you have full control over all of your subscriptions and a clear view of your expenses. You can see all of your subscriptions in one place. And if you see something you don't want, you just tap it. You cancel it. Tap it a few times. It's gone. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

I love also that the dashboard shows you... That was me tapping all of you guys. I want you out of my life. I'm cutting you out. Aww. I love how the dashboard also shows this month's spending compared to last month so you can track month to month how much you're spending. You can see those habits and they'll help you create a custom budget to help keep your spending on track. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. It's just like those when you deposit a check in a bank. You know what I mean? You just take a picture. That really feels crazy.

Take a picture of a check and that's how it works? I know, that was wild when that first time I saw it. I felt like I was in the future. I was like, do I take a picture of a $20 bill and now I have $20 more in my account? Yeah, Rocket Money. No, Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved the total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features. So stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com. That's rocketmoney.com. That's rocketmoney.com.

I have an idea, folks. And I text my mom. The FBI doesn't tap phones at all. Well, I text my mom and I say, hey, can my friends come over for dinner? So you get a text back being like, yeah, absolutely. Smiley emoji. I text back, what's cooking, mom? So she texts back, I have to do a job for your favorite anime today, so I'll be home kind of late. So I was thinking I would just order pizza and have it ready for you when you got off school. What a nice point.

Fuck! What's wrong? My mom's not going to be home. Here's what I was thinking. I still have it underneath the thing, right? Still under the water. So I think I'm cool enough to have figured this out, so I'm going to act like they're not hearing me. It's like, listen, we can talk all we want. I'm effectively masking their auditory capability. The moment you say they probably don't hear, I tackle you and I cover your mouth. Okay, so you roll strength, see if you can tackle him in time. I got 14 plus 3. Ooh, 17. Damn it. All right, so you tackle him to the ground and you put your hand over his mouth. What the fuck? Whoa, whoa,

What's going on? What are you doing? I was like, write it down. We could talk like we're writing it down. Don't speak like that. Because if they know, they'll take Marko. Can you bring like one of those rolls of butcher paper in here? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we have those. Presentational roll of butcher paper. Yeah, yeah. I got a lot of shit to clean up. And then I roll your sleeve over your bracelets. So if there is a camera or something, they're not seeing what we're writing. Okay.

So she comes back with a big old thing of butcher paper and a bunch of Sharpies. And now we continue our conversation, but it's all written now. It's all written. Hear that, Anthony? None of this is talking. The following is a transcript of the events that transpired. Yeah. I mean, if you guys ever did need to talk, I could like sing one of my songs into Taylor's wrist so that like really loud so that they like wouldn't really hear over. Cause like one, they'd probably be like, I tackled you and I covered you around the moment she said they wouldn't really hear. I was like, tackle. Yeah.

Do it again. Roll your athletics and you roll acrobatics. I got a five. Okay. Again. Luke, stop tackling people. Get it together, man. Just write. The following is a transcript, Anthony. I write on the piece of paper. Guys, I just had an idea.

Have any of you seen that old movie Enemy of the State with Will Smith in it? No. Lincoln writes is one of Grant's favorite and as he's writing it, the paper gets wet because you see tears dropping on the ink.

the movie they visit a guy who lives in like a metal cage I think and the cage jams the signal from the government bad guys it's like a Faraday cage a Freeman cage or a Faraday cage a King Faraday cage I look judgmentally at Miss Hale being like I thought that's what this would be I so I

This is the bathroom, she says. I draw a picture of Taylor's hand with the thing, with the bracelet on it. And then I draw a picture of a cast over his hand. And then I draw like a little diagram that's like we wrap chicken wire and metal around the inside of the cast. And we put it on Taylor's hand so that it's jamming the signal. But it looks just like a normal cast, like he just broke his arm.

Scary writes, let's not waste time with hypotheticals. And then she crosses it out because she spelled it wrong. And then she's trying to spell hypotheticals. Hypno, hypnotheatrical, hypnothatrix. What are you writing? The fact that you wrote out, what are you writing? Yeah, it's arrows to it. It's like confused face. What are you writing? Also, you'll notice that Taylor's handwriting is like,

anime lettering. You know what I'm saying? It's like you're reading a manga that's perfectly written. And Taylor writes from right to left. Ha!

So you're smearing it as you fucking go. Link is writing. He goes, yeah, that's a good idea, but we got to make it. The FBI will know if it's fake if we put a cast on. So like, I think. Well, I guess I just need to break my arm. I think you have to break your arm because they'll know if we fake a doctor report too. The FBI knows everything. You have to break your arm and then convince them to let you keep the thing on your cast. I'm sorry. Mays like by that logic, couldn't we just remove the whole arm and

And the problem is solved at the end. No. I go, Miss Taylor, you're not being a lot of help. I'm the idea woman. It's not a lot of help. I write in the corner, like, ideas. And, like, one is break Taylor's arm. Two is remove Taylor's arm? Question mark? And points her finger at you, winks and nods. Like, you got it.

And then Mayhill underneath it puts a little thumbs up with a one next to it like it's on Discord. Yeah, plus one. And she's looking at the rest of you like, anybody get a plus two? I vote for break arm. And I look and write sorry. As long as we keep up writing and all the code words, then we don't really need to worry about the fact that they're tracking us. Because they were tracking Tony Soprano forever and they didn't even get him at the end, I don't think, if that's how you interpret the finale. Normal snaps his fingers. He's waving frantically. He writes, step one.

Break Taylor's arm. Step two, get cast on Taylor's arm with Faraday implements. Step three, Link uses his magic to heal Taylor's arm so it's not broken. So it's fine. And then we've got the perfect cover. Everyone thinks his arm's broken. It's not broken. We've got the cast. The growth on your back isn't listening anymore. And we can go kill the mayor. I mean...

You wrote out, I mean. I mean, wait, no, it's fine that I wrote it. Taylor asks, written down, asks, what does the FBI know about me? And then I write everything you've done in the last four days or however many days it's been since this happened. Oh, fuck. Oh, no. That means they've heard me jerk off 67 times. Taylor now sweating profusely. This is my idea for Taylor. What if Taylor gets into ventriloquism?

So there's a big ventriloquist dummy on his arm. And then it's wrapped. It was like never been more excited for an idea in his life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So then we can wrap the dummy and I write, you could be teeny because normal doesn't want to be teeny anymore. I'm not teeny. You could be, you could take the teeny mask underneath. He shakes his head. He goes, no, no, no, no, no, no. If you'll allow me normal,

goes to his locker which they have lockers i'm assuming now at the at the headquarters where he was keeping some of his extra we have we have he goes to his cubby and he pulls out a dummy of teeny the teen because before he abandoned his pursuit of being a mascot he was working on a routine where teeny would have a little routine a routine a routine with uh with tiny his tiny teeny

Oh my God. And he was going to do a little banter about it at the talent show. So he was going to dress up as TNT and the mascot. And then the mascot would have a smaller version of itself as a ventriloquist. Yeah. Right. It's pretty funny. I mean, it's not, it's whatever, but since I don't want it anymore, you can have it. So then I asked Ms. Hale, I write, is there like technology we could put in this ventriloquist? I mean, as long as he has it on his hand, we can talk freely. Okay. So she's going to Google, uh,

I'll say it can't be on all the time because the FBI would get suspicious, but I like the idea that we have this. So Mayhales Googles what I just Googled, which is a website called Backyard Brains, Neuroscience for Everyone. And basically there's, yeah, you can very easily make a Faraday cage out of, you know, chicken wire and some basic stuff that you could buy anywhere. So Mayhales writes down like, yeah, I mean, we could probably make one that fits inside Tiny Teeny. Okay, yeah, let's do that. Let's do that.

Okay. The whole time, as you guys have been solving that, Link's like on the far end of the paper, you've seen like Link's been writing like a whole thing. And he like kind of waves to you all. And there's like a big picture and he's drawn like the four of you like all holding hands. And he's written, once again, I just want to say I'm very sorry.

I haven't had any friends my age or any friends at all. I love my family more than anything. I would do anything to protect them. But in doing so, I did the one thing I thought I would never do. And I ashamed myself and I betrayed myself and my family and the dads I love. I betrayed my family because you are all my family now. I am sorry. Taylor, please forgive me. I love you. Taylor narrows his eyes as Tiny Teeny's being like lowered onto his arm. He's like...

You owe me for this one. Normal writes in the corner, hey, I'm so glad you reached out. I'm actually at capacity slash helping someone else who's in crisis deal with some personal stuff. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Normal gives you a big hug. It's all right. We're both going through a lot of stuff right now, man. We'll figure it out. Yeah. I write out, Link, bro, you got to lighten up. And that's coming from me. Being like really down and depressed and like cool is only cool when I do it. The quality of the Faraday cage you build. I feel like anybody can roll survival or...

Science class. Nature. That's me. Survival. Nature. All that shit. We should just do rolls to see what grades we get in classes. We should. We should have a report card. I had a whole mechanic for grades and studying and stuff that was for a different kind of season. Is anybody going to help me with this? I'll help. Basically, you're going to get advantage on this roll. Okay, so my first roll was an 11. Okay. Second roll.

14 total. 14 total. You got another 11 on that D&D Beyond It? Bro! Damn. Roll a meat dice. Roll a meat space die. No. No? Fair enough. Come back to the flesh, please. Okay. So I have a 14 on the Faraday caginess of the ventriloquist dummy. And we're going to just go forward from there. No, can we do one actually, one more cool thing? So I read a book for research a while ago. Wow, I'm Norm. I read. This isn't Norm. This is Will. I did a whole thing about the NSA. Wow, I'm Will. I read. I read.

And they fucking at their headquarters to keep people from surveilling them. There's a gap in the walls and they pipe classical music into the walls. That's cool as hell. To like block people from listening. So if we just put like a little MP3 player in there that was playing music on loop, it might also help. Oh, it's just Hatsune Miku. Normal snaps and he pulls out his anagram generator mini. No, it's my music. Will made a good joke that nobody heard. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He said anagram generator mini. It's fine.

There we go. And I put my marching band playlist on loop and I give a wistful sigh as I hear what to normal is the music of what like a Scottish Highlander, the sound of bagpipes is in terms of driving you into a blood frenzy. He hears it for a second and something stirs deep with him inside him and he shakes it off and he stuffs it into teeny. And he's like, so now at all times when I'm walking around very faintly,

as a passive perception needs to be pretty high. You can hear cover band. Normal tearfully realizes that with Taylor now endorsing Teeny the Teen, Teeny the Teen's cachet at this school is going to fucking skyrocket even harder. Yeah, I want to cut the school and like the doors open up and it's the slow-mo walking down the hallway shot and it's like that slow, long pass like, who's that? And it's Taylor with a ventriloquist dummy. Roll performance, I guess? Roll fucking cool.

- 17. - 17, all right. So yeah, exactly what you said you just did happens.

even though it's still a class. So just the kids that are skipping class and walking around on the campus. Who are the taste changers? Some befuddled algorithm master at Amazon is like, why the fuck are ventriloquist dummy orders skyrocketing in San Dimas, California? That's the thing where Taylor does like an A over there, but then the dummy's going like A to someone else on the other side of the room. Just to clarify, we don't know for certain, obviously, if this is working. Correct. You have no way of knowing. Just to talk about killing the mayor now.

Now that we can talk about killing the mayor, right? Well, I guess it's as good of a time as any to talk about this. I guess we'll test this out if this is working. FBI...

Okay. Let's hope that's good. I hope my dad's still at home. So I don't want to kill the bear. I don't know if you heard. My dad, this just feels really violent. And the mayor's like, did you guys vote? I mean, obviously we don't vote, but like, he's not a bad guy. Like, I don't know. It's a bad woman. A bad, oh. Even worse. I'm sorry. You're right. Well, I thought that she had the sauce. Yeah, she's got the sauce. She's got the sauce. Do we know if the sauce can be cured or do you just got to like die?

Yeah, it is cured by the icy embrace of death. Do we have any money left? Do we have any of those warbucks left? I believe you have one. Ask the whale. Let's ask the whale if we can desauce someone. Okay. And also, yeah, Miss Hale, you said kill the mayor. Like, it's not as important to, like, kill the mayor. We just gotta, like, make the mayor not sauce. No, I'm taking what she's saying. She's saying we gotta kill this motherfucker.

She can clarify. She's right there. Yeah, I'm right here. Yeah, I mean, yes, I guess technically if you could find a way to de-sauce her, that's also fine. But it just feels like a bullet to the head is pretty de-sauce-y. My dad seems to be going through stuff. And the last thing he said was to not be like him. And I guess he's killed a lot of people.

And he said not to kill people. Yeah, yeah. Don't laugh about that. Sorry, right. Sorry. He's just really good at it. I mean, like, you don't have to be the one that actually kills her. Like, one of us can, like, step up. History is full of good people not doing enough to stop evil. I can't just sit here and let you guys kill. Yeah, exactly. Join the rest of them and be fine.

That's the whole point of that saying, Link. I think normal's got the right idea. Let's ask the whale. Yeah, let's ask the whale. Okay, so you head down to Jimmy Whale's tank. You put your last Daddy Warbuck inside. The krill comes out. The krill comes out and he goes... Mr. Whale, is there any way to desauce somebody that's not killing them? Specifically the mayor. Specifically the mayor, I guess, if that's knowledge that you're capable of having. The whale says... I do not specifically know of the mayor, but I know that...

If you can reverse the desire or mania or obsession that allowed the doodler to take root inside them, it will no longer consider them a viable host. So we got to fix someone. We got to win the debate with them. And then if we don't, I mean, we might have to kill her. But like win the debate to such a degree that the mayor...

totally let's go of whatever fucked up thing that they got. But how hard could it be to win a debate with a politician? You know, if they're wrong, you just point out why they're wrong. And then, you know, you want, so we got to destroy them. So we should go on YouTube and type. So may destroy somebody in a debate and see what we can learn. Yeah.

about proper debating skills. We like to run an insight check on YouTube for how to destroy someone in a debate and what that entails. Yeah, go ahead. Roll insight.

15 plus 2, 17 debate. Okay. Let's say hypothetically we needed to destroy. Yes, exactly. So it turns out if you type destroys debate into YouTube, the first one you get is actually Ben Shapiro being destroyed by Andrew Neal from the BBC. That's still helpful. So let's say that whatever roles you have during debate, you have advantage on the first like, this is actually a pretty short little clip. It's like,

A minute. You have 90 seconds. So within the first 90 seconds of the debate, you have advantage on all of your rolls for dunking on the mayor for whatever debate topic you choose. As you come back. Oh, that was a lot of pee we all did. So Normal's mother goes, oh, you're finally back. So yeah, I was going to say, did anybody want to volunteer to debate the mayor? Nobody did. We will. Oh, okay. Fantastic. Me and my buddy Tiny here. Right, Tiny? Why, yes. We would like to take on the mayor. Teeny. Teeny.

That's right, folks. Teeny's back and handheld. It's like we're in a tiny, teeny wonderland. Wait till they all go. One kid goes, yo, was that you in the suit during the whatnot? Oh, yeah, yeah. They definitely assume that. Yeah. Was that you? That was way too cool to be normal, right? And I raise an eyebrow and I go, I'll

I'll never tell. And they go, oh, he's so cool. Oh, shit. It was definitely him as Teenie because he was so cool. Even though he was like, oh, Zit Juice got all over me. Like, he was there. Yeah, everybody saw me in the Gundam costume. Oh, yeah, they did, didn't they? That's how much they want to believe. Yeah, that's true. The rumor mill just goes, you know? So the teacher says, you can come up with any debate topic that you like as a favor from the mayor because she's so confident she can beat you in any sort of debate situation. Wait, wait, wait. How is she?

she thought it would be fun to like teach you about debate and like school you on any topic is it one child or she's debating four children she's making four children simultaneously okay like a chess master yeah you guys ever do taekwondo no in my taekwondo class the last thing they would do like all the kids would fight one black belt guy no shit yeah no they did this yeah it would be like the matrix burly brawl but it would be like a

It was literally like the how many eight-year-olds can you take in a fight thing. But like full contact sparring? I mean, it was like a big goofy thing. It wasn't a whole thing. And they're black belts. They can just easily dispatch a kid without fucking hurting them. They just push them aside. Strip ball black belts are experts. So they know how to. You can just buy black belts and just use it as an excuse for beating up kids.

So we can pick the debate topic. What should we debate? Yeah, when do we have to let you know what we're debating? You don't have to let me know ever. We were just going to start class tomorrow. You'll tell me and the rest of the class and the mayor what the topic is. She's going to do unprepared? She's that good. Extemp, dude. Yeah. Okay, so I feel like this is at the sleepover. Yeah, yeah. So at the sleepover. We've already done like never have I ever. Is Marco okay being home alone without Grandin?

Well, did you check in with him? Well, of course I checked in with him. Then, yeah, he's fucking psyched that you made friends already. You were homeschooling. You're already going to a sleepover after like four days. He's overjoyed. Nice. He says, love you, my son. And the FBI didn't take him. No, he's still at home. He's still answering your text. Okay, that's all I wanted to know. I mean, as far as you know, unless somebody's pretending to be him on the fucking phone. I love you, son.

Yeah, son isn't bad. Ask him how wolfy he is. I like that you like soccer. You are good at soccer. Your husband, brackets, fine name of husband, is doing well. Ding dong, the pizza's here. Oh!

Oh, pizza's here. Mom, can you get that? She's not home. Mom's not home. She told you that over the phone. That's right. She ordered this. Normal opens the door. You see a 17-year-old girl with a ponytail, and she's wearing a top hat, and she has a shirt on that says, like, Cheesy's Pizza.

And underneath that shirt, you can see a very, very anatomically incorrect picture of an anime girl with long red hair who's like turning into a bear. And it says brave on it. And she goes, oh, my God, normal. What are you doing here? Hero, what are you doing here? My job. I can tell she's threatened by me.

Do you know the pizza delivery person? Is this your sister? Guys, this is my sister, Hero. Hi, guys. Hey, Mr. Conner. As she sees you, Taylor. Taylor, what are you wearing? Probably like my casual at-home jammies. What do those look like? It's like jammies that have like a vague tuxedo cut kind of going. What?

Oh my God. What's on the jammies though? Just silk. Not everything's anime with Taylor. Sometimes he just goes for style. It's just very comfortable, expensive, silk pajamas that have like a little tuxedo design. And then the right, like on the breast pocket, there's like a very, like very sophisticated embroidery of an anime character. But no, it's fine. It's just anime.

My plans for what happens with things doesn't have to tasteful. Tuxedo mask like Rose. Okay. Okay. Embroidered. So she looks over your shoulder and sees Taylor in the tuxedo mask outfit. Somebody's still on Sailor Moon. Newly much. Excuse me. One second, Norm. I'm not tipping. Yeah, that's fine. Well, give us our pizza and get out of here, hero. Okay, fine. And she hands you the pizza and she holds her hand out for a tip anyway. Here's a tip.

be a better older sister god slam the door in her face i'm sorry that was mean uh i don't have any money she's done and she walks away she goes back to her cheesy pizza car and you can see as she drives away that there's a tuxedo mask bumper sticker on her car and you remember that that's her favorite character man tuxedo mask is hot though link is already on like the app to give her five stars and said she did a great job even though the customers were rude even though the customers were rude

Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by Bespoke Post. Hey, Summer. Bespoke, my heart. I fucking love Bespoke Post. Bespoke. It's summertime. And they got a new premium lineup of Box of Awesome Collections. Oh, my God. Okay, so, like, you know in Dune they have the Box of Pain? Yeah. That's, like, the opposite.

of the box of awesome. Oh my God. I put my hand in and what do I get? You get pleasure. Whether you want to drink or eat more awesome, dress and travel more awesome, or explore more awesome, the box of awesome has it covered. Go to boxofawesome.com. Take that quiz. Your answers help them pick the right box of awesome for you. Free to join. New items every month. The only quiz you can't fail. What's your favorite beach book?

post dude hey can i tell you about the one i just got bro i just got a whiskey nosing kit it's like you could burn stuff and get your nose up to date with whiskey dude i got i didn't just get a fucking gift i got opportunity they gave me the reason finally a fucking reason to buy two

fucking watches because I got, check this out, I got a little drawer that's got two little poles on it to hold watches and then an acrylic cover to protect those watches. The mahogany. And I got it. I was like, this is the most beautiful fucking thing I've ever seen. I don't have watches. I need watches. Was it in black or mahogany? It was black.

It was mahogany. You got the mahogany drop. And that fucking decided what sort of watches I bought. And I don't want to say how much I spent on watches, but it was thousands. But it was fucking worth it to make this beautiful case. The display case, dude. You can't have that case and not let it fucking do what it was born to do. You can't let that beautiful fucking piece of boutique furniture just sit there on your fucking counter without watches on it. My God.

It's incredible. I don't think I'll ever wear those watches, but I'm looking at them every day. When you become a member, you have access to stellar discounts across a plethora of products. We're talking about 30% off or more sometimes. Plus, with each Box of Awesome, you're supporting small businesses. 90% of everything that comes in your Box of Awesome is from a small up-and-coming brand. Free to sign up, skip a month, or cancel any time. Get 15% off your first box when you sign up at BoxOfAwesome.com and enter the code DUNGEONS at checkout. That's BoxOfAwesome.com, code DUNGEONS for 15% off your first box. BoxOfAwesome.com, code DUNGEONS.

Dungeons and Dimes is brought to you this week by Blue Nile. Blue Nile. You saw me standing alone. Blue Nile. Dulcet tones over there. The road to getting engaged can be long and full of memories or can be short and thrilling or anything in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring, straightforward path. As the Nazgul flies. Doesn't...

All you got to do is head over to BlueNile.com. On BlueNile.com, you can get a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can imagine at a price you won't find at a traditional jeweler. Blue Nile's the original online jeweler since 1999. Dog since Pets.com, dude. The Pets era. Since the Pets.com era. But they survived because they were committed to ensuring. You know why? Because Blue Nile wasn't out there posting up Super Bowl ads, burning through all their liquid capital. They're too busy ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry.

Their diamond price guarantee means that in most cases they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. And in most cases it can be delivered overnight. Blue Nile offers a 100% satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns so you can make sure your ring is the one ring. Here's how you know they're killers over at Blue Niles.

They started in 1999, one of the greatest years in video game history of all time. And they were able to focus and make a company while games like Heroes of Might and Magic 3, System Shock 2, Final Fantasy 8, Age of Empires Dose, dude. All these games were coming out and they were still made. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater Beth...

It was coming out that year. Okay, now I'm interested. Because you want that love to last forever. Unlike video games, you get guaranteed service. Like my love of EverQuest and Driver. And Repair. Which came out in 1999. For life. The greatest year of my life. Right now, get 30% off select lab-grown diamonds at BlueNile.com. Plus, use code DUNGEONS to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more. That's $50 off with code DUNGEONS at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Planescape Torment. That game rules.

They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

Sleep Number does that. You want to sleep cooler while they like to feel warm? Sleep Number does that too. J.D. Power ranks Sleep Number number one in customer satisfaction with mattresses purchased in-store. And now, during Sleep Number's biggest sale of the year, save 50% on the Sleep Number limited edition smart bed, plus special financing for a limited time. For J.D. Power 2023 award information, visit jdpower.com slash awards. Only at a Sleep Number store or sleepnumber.com.

See store for details. You wanted to investigate her campaign. 14 Hawaiian pizzas. All right, let's look into this mayor. Maybe there's a way to like get her to admit that she's like driven by the sauce. Like a debate topic. Like, do I like the sauce or something? We need to figure out what's going on with the mayor to understand, you know, what to do. We need to find her greatest weakness.

Yes. What is she obsessed with? That's what we got to figure out. And then we'll debate her about that. We'll convince her. Pull up the campaign website. Go ahead and roll investigation. All of us? This is like all of us on Google? Yeah, why not? Depending on how good we roll, it's going to be the type of website we're looking at. Yes. Well, I got 13 plus 2, 15. Okay. Fucking, I got a 4. 7 plus 4, 11. I'm looking at like the social media feed, which is not run by the mayor. It's clearly run by an intern trying to do that. You're on just your poetry site or whatever, just working on your... I'm literally on like...

ever note like writing lyrics I got a two so I am watching the show Mayor of Easttown interesting she's so complex we should talk to her about vaping it seems like she has a problem it's Mayor Norm it's Mayor not Mayor okay I'm now listening to the music of John Mayer so I'm the only one who's actually investigating yes I'm typing very loudly like passive aggressively as everybody's doing other things listen this is just the group project experience let's be honest yep

Okay, so you find a critical article about the mayor that mentions basically her biography and her backstory. And the author, who is from sort of a right-wing website, says that basically her mother was mayor of a larger town, not Sam Demas, in her childhood. And her mother died halfway into her first term from a car accident. And that everything she's been doing has been out of a pathetic, misguided attempt to get her mother's attention.

love and that she needs to stop worrying about her dead mother and start worrying about real mothers in this town whom she has treated with the utmost disrespect by all of her policies and then starts just getting like overly angry. What if, hear me out,

The topic is, should Mother's Day continue to be a holiday? Oh, that's pretty good. That's sick. Well, that's how we get into the mom stuff. Or we do. Maybe this is too messed up. Maybe we take the side that car crashes that kill moms are bad, which means that she has to be forced to argue that it's OK for there to be less moms on Earth due to car crashes. I think that'd be really hard for her to argue that side. Hmm. Maybe that's too niche.

Maybe the Mother's Day thing's better. Dang, low blow. Like, it's like, moms shouldn't be allowed to do things. Like, tell you what to do. But we would argue that moms are awesome and should have a holiday and they're great, which, again, would mean that she would have to argue the opposite. That mothers don't deserve that. Which is like, that's a clear win because moms are great. I mean, I don't have one, but like, I mean, if they're anything like dads. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so the debate is Mother's Day. Should we keep having it? Yeah. We say our position is that we should because moms are good. Yes. And then her position is that Mother's Day should not be a holiday. Mother's Day should not be a holiday. Let's see her try to argue her way. And then we can basically use that to get into like

why it's like okay that her mom died is there a goal to get her to like cry on stage or something i don't know it seems better than killing her so yeah no i agree i'm just trying to figure out how are we gonna kill her um

Do you have a gun? Well, no, I have this ATM machine. I've got a knife. Oh. It's a pretty sick-ass knife. I look at Scarlett's eyes and I'm like, could you do that? Could you kill her? Absolutely. Your DNA is going to be all over this knife. You're also going to be doing it in front of your entire class. How else would I get a cred of being, like, the medalist chick ever? May hails with her hands up and says, yeah, no, that's a fair point. Also, I'm here. You want to be the medalist chick ever?

No. We have access to the machine, right? The ATM-sized machine with a single red button that, when pressed, will cause thousands of portals to open up from which thousands of assassins from every conceivable time period will blast the button presser into oblivion. And May says, I did buy a trolley thingy. A hand truck. A hand truck. I bought a hand truck if we need to move it somewhere. What if... Okay, hear me out. What if we could somehow provoke the mayor into hitting this button? Like, what could we...

put as a label on this pedestal that this mayor had no choice but to press the button. I've got an idea. Yeah. So, like, what if we say that that's the button that you push when you're done arguing? So it's like, if you're... Oh, God. Oh, God.

Whenever you think that you've like really pwned your opponent and you're like, man, I'm done. Like suck on that. Like you just push the button and we can have like a fake button that we push. Okay. It sounds like we're really going down the rabbit hole. Not a plan B, but like a straight up let's murder her. And not to have a debate here, but like, can we just like not have a plan B on murder? Not to be that guy. We could murder her if we not. It's a, you know, it's a democracy. Here's what I would propose. Okay. What if we have a debate?

When you lose the debate, you press the button. But hear me out. Hear me out. So if we win the debate, we convinced her that we won and we don't need to kill her, right? Wait, so no, it should be if you lose the debate, you have to press the button. And then if we win the debate, it's all good. She will have to then we have to press the button, but we won't because she's not.

I mean, she doesn't have the sauce anymore, right? So we don't have to press it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

I agree. Norm, no. I think you're totally on with Norm. Like, if she wins, then we haven't convinced her, and she has to push the button anyway because she won. If she wins, then we lost, and she has to push the button. So anybody who wins the debate pushes the button. That's what I said. Yeah.

No, you said the loosey-sloosey. I'm pretty sure I know what I said, guys. But then if we win, we just won't press the button. No, we don't press it. Then we just don't press it. We can have, like, another button. Yeah, we press a different button. We can just be sore winners. Here's what it is. Here's what it is. We cover the bed and soul in a cloth at the beginning of class. Should we lose, we'll whip it off saying this is the teeny-to-teen high tradition that we're starting. If we win, the cover stays on and nobody is the wiser. How did that happen? Okay.

We present the bud and we say, if you were to press this, would you kill... Would you kill one person to save your dad? And we...

And we make her argue that is a good moral trait. Because then if she wins... We do a flashback to fucking Link's house and there's just a DVD copy of the box on the fucking next to the TV. If she wins, she's made the argument that she should help suppress the bud. And then it's fine. May says, um... Does that make me feel like the vibe's off? Yeah, it's been out for a while since I betrayed us all. I'm sorry. No, maybe it's just me. I don't know. Anyway, sorry, keep going. Explain! Hold up. I just feel like... I don't know, I feel weird. I don't know. Do you feel weird?

You feel like you have the sauce or something? No, not like I have the sauce. I don't know. There's something about you. Are you lactose intolerant? Other than the fact that I'm like a grown woman doing a sleepover. Are you lactose intolerant? I am, but that's not... Ladies, six days ago, I was playing in cheer routines and trying to do a front handspring, and now I'm with four people trying to figure out how to murder the mayor while being normal

enough for my dad to love me. So yeah, the vibes off. I'm rolling perception. I'm going to roll. I'm going to roll inside as well. I'm not. I'm in my house. Inside or perception? Oh, I'm going to do inside because I got plus four. I'm going to do with sense vibes inside. I got 19 on.

I got a 19 too. I got a natural 20. And you all rolled insight. Insight. Okay, so you can tell that Mayhales is being honest. Something feels unnerving to her and she cannot quite put words to it or put her finger on it. Fuck. Shit. So she's just being honest about it. Good news. But she's embarrassed now, so she's like, never mind. If we rolled perception, would we have a better chance of finding that out? You could roll and see. I rolled perception too.

Can I roll Arcana to understand the rules of Dungeons and Dragons? Yeah, I got 13. As they exist in your mercurial brain, Anthony. 11 plus one. 12. I got a seven. Okay, with a seven.

You're not alone in this room. I'm going to do divine sense. Okay. As an action, I can detect good and evil until the end of your next turn. You can sense anything affected by the hollow spell or know the location of any celestial fiend undead within 60 feet. That's not behind cover. You're going to use this feature one time. So do I notice anything good or evil or of that sort? There's something evil underneath Taylor's bed.

link pulls out a piece of paper i sent something evil under taylor's bed and then i'm like is that maybe the vibe you're feeling taylor pulls down his sick katana off the wall and like puts it in a ready position i have the kellogg knife at the ready normal is going to just hide behind link

And peek his head out from behind Link and say, how evil? What are you feeling, bro? Link feeling bad about betraying his friends is going to slowly look under the bed. So as you lower your head down, pulling up the skirt of the bed. I'm as far away from the bed as possible. Oh, so you're not using the stick. I'm going to lay on the floor essentially so I can look across the floor. Okay, great. As you do that, I like kind of lean. I'm like falling with you behind you to stay hidden behind you. You're like spooning. I'm like on your back like a backpack.

basically. Like Yoda. Yeah, like Yoda and Luke. As you lower down, you see initially nothing until two lids open and you see two massively bugged out eyes.

and a big smile. Oh, God. And slowly, a hand wraps itself around the side of the bed and pulls a little bit. Nope. And pulls itself into the light. The first thing you notice is how big the smile she's wearing is. It almost seems to take up most of her face. And her skin on her face looks pulled taut completely. Is it a politician's smile? It is.

inspiration. You get inspiration. Because she's also wearing a pantsuit. And her hair feels like it's pulled back and in a ponytail that looks like it's also pulling back the skin on her face. Like you can almost see her bones. Not that they're poking out of the skin or anything, but almost like they're about to come through. And she goes, Hey!

uh taylor's gonna stab first okay just gonna run in and stab he has the katana right yeah he does we recognize what she looks like you said you've been doing research on her so yeah this is the mayor and i go zephyr strike okay what does that do again i move like the wind the fucking wind anthony my movement doesn't provoke opportunity attacks it's a it's a cast 1d8 additional damage on the weapon that

Okay, so make a weapon attack. Wait, can I cast guidance on you? What does that do? Give him like an extra thing? You touch one willing creature. The target can roll a d4 and add the number roll to an ability check of your choice. That's a good spell. I guess if you have to do an ability check it works. Oh, sorry. No, that could be helpful because we don't know what the mayor's going to do. She might do something that makes them have to do a check. There we go. Three plus three, six. Fuck.

does she look creepier than she did in the midges like yeah she looks all the time she doesn't like she didn't look like that all the time that's how she got nominated like it seems like whatever happened to her has happened fairly recently it looks like a more desiccated version of the woman the otherwise confident woman that you saw i cast that for strike which gives me advantage on one weapon attack roll so i can try again on that weapon attack roll i think so sure

8 plus 3, 11. 11 is not going to do it. So you stab downward. How do you stab? Are you jumping onto the bed and stabbing yourself? I'm basically running straight towards the bed, and then I'm drawing it in the run, and then jumping onto the bed and just poking it straight down. Oh, I can kill Bill? Do you know what I mean? The anime part? Yeah. And just like in the anime part, the blade goes down, but just right in front of her face instead of actually hitting her. And she just reaches forward with her tongue and just...

and pushes on it with her tongue, pushes on the blade. The strength of her tongue just moves it out of the wood and knocks it loose a little bit. Normal steps bravely forward and says, I have a button you need to press. So she goes, I heard what you said about the button. I was listening. This is what you call research on your opposition. Ha ha ha!

So now I'm not going to be fucking bullshit. That's how you win. That's how I'm so good at debates. Okay, Beth, did you want to do something? I cast my cantrip true strike, which you point a finger at a target in range. Your magic grants you a brief insight into the target's defenses. On your next turn, you gain advantage on your first attack roll against the target. Well, I'll tell you her AC is 14. Okay. Okay, so that was your action. What did May Hales do? Oh, May Hales is just like, uh, what do I do? What do you want me to do? You're supposed to order me around. Fight, fight her. Or debate her. Whatever seems to make more sense right now.

Yeah.

Use your best judgment. We don't want to micromanage. She's like, I think we should get a big money out of politics. And the mayor goes, I agree. And Mae's like, okay, I don't know what to do now. I don't know what to do. She pulls herself out and stands up and she is far taller than you expected. She's far taller and more slim and more slender than you saw on the website. She's like a slender man politician. She looks like somebody put her into a taffy pole and she's just like stuck that way. And she goes,

There's no need for violence. This can be solved in the marketplace of ideas, and I just wanted to know what your ideas were. And now that I know you're planning to say some hurtful things potentially about my mother, that's very good to know. We weren't going to, though. You heard us, right? We were changing our mind. We were thinking about killing. Yeah, but I'm not going to press that button now, so that's too bad for you. It doesn't do anything. You want to try it? Roll deception with disadvantage. Shoot.

She goes, no, I don't think I will. I think I'm good. Can't we bring money into this? Money is a big politic thing, right? I just agreed we should get money out of big politics. I suppose I'll just see you tomorrow at the debate so that whatever I do to you will be in front of all of your friends and your mother.

normal. You want to agree on a debate topic? Yeah, what do you want? Anything you want. We were just blue sky. That's why we got to that weird spot. That wasn't what we were going to end on was the whole, you know, your mom things. Look, I'm sure as mayor, you...

have to float a lot of ideas, right? And I'm sure your mayor team, they must say stuff, you know, like you're just throwing ideas out there about what to do. And some of those ideas might be pretty bad, but that's where you know where the line is. So that's all we were doing. We were just trying to blue sky, figure out where the line is. And you know what the line is? We're not going to make you press a button.

And we're not going to be mean about your mom. And, you know, thank you for your feedback. That's good for us to know. What's a thing that you would want to debate that, I don't know, you'd be bad at? Yeah. Okay. How about this? How about this?

I will tell you and I'm telling you the truth and any of you can look into my eyes. She says, some rumble still skin shit. Her eyes getting too big like they pop out even more. She goes, you can look into my eyes and know that I'm telling you the truth. I'm not going to hurt any of you right now but I need to show you something to show you what I'm very bad at debating. Okay. I'm not going to hurt anyone. All right.

All right. Can we roll to like believer? You can roll insight. This whole time. With advantage because her eyes are so big. Okay. This whole time, Taylor is trying to find the Glock that he sent home, but he can't underneath the pile of all the Gundam packages. So it's just package after package. God damn it. Oh, that's what that was. 15. I got a fucking seven. You roll to find the gun, dude. Yeah, roll to find it. You don't have to not find it. I got a 22. I know, but I'm saying that I probably have disadvantage because it's underneath a pile of other boxes.

Sure, why not? Yeah, yeah. Roll investigation. 12. 12. So with a 12, you find it, but it's still completely sealed up in its box. No, wait, no, it's not. You put it in a box. No, no, no, no. I would have put it in a box and taped the fuck out of it. Okay, yeah, you find the taped up box. Okay, so with your 22, normally, you can tell she is telling...

Not the whole truth, but the truth. She's not going to actively attack anyone. She's not going to harm anybody's HP. She's not going to do anything that's going to result in anybody losing HP indirectly. Normal's like, it's cool, guys. I got this. I've seen some pretty crazy stuff in my day. You know, like a lot of wild YouTube videos and stuff. I think I can handle this. What do you want to show me? I just want to show you something. I'm very bad at debating. So the position that you're going to take is that he's not here and

And the position that I'm going to take is, and she reaches over and rips Tiny Teeny off of Taylor's arm. And she goes, Nicholas Foster is right here right now. And in that moment, your bracelet activates. Your back arches in pain as the bracelet begins to put electricity through you. And behind you, you can't see it, but everybody on the other side of you can. An outline of a rectangle and glowing white light appears behind you. And once the lines connect, it

It turns into a window with a bright shining light that almost makes everybody blind that looks at it. It's hard to look at directly. But you see hands in yellow hazmat suits reach out of it and grab you around the shoulders and the legs and the stomach. And they pull you, Taylor. What? I died before him. Yeah. Okay, go ahead and make an athletics check. I would have during this time. I found the Glock package and I'm like, probably have opened it. I feel like I want to do a roll to try and open the package for the gun.

Okay, but you'll make it with disadvantage because you're in pain. 13 plus 3, 16 for athletics. Okay, cool. You grab onto his ankle. I got a 9 plus 5, 14. Kill me. I got a 5.

10 on trying to get the gun out. Okay, so you don't manage to get the gun out. There's one last sticky piece of tape and you're trying to use your fingernail to get at it, but it's just a little bit too scary. You hold on to Link, who is holding on to the ankle of Taylor Swift. You feel a very strong yank. And in this moment, Link, you know that

It's a lot of adult men pulling back on Taylor and you're not going to be strong enough to prevent him from going in, but you have a choice and that choice is you can hold on and go with him or you can let go. Can I roll perception? Can I see like who's grabbing him or anything? Yeah. Perception works perfectly fine for that. That's a natural 20. Wow. What do I see on the other side of the portal? On the other side of the portal, you see three men in hazmat suits who are currently holding on to Taylor behind

Behind them, you can see what looks to be transparent, but purely by the thickness and the metallicness of the door that separates it. Two big old glass walls that seem to be like rounded at the signs. And then beyond that, you see the FBI agents that came to your home and told you that if you didn't put this bracelet on Taylor, that they were going to kill your dad or not kill him, but get rid of him in some way. You see them sitting there with their arms crossed.

with a bunch of scientists who are looking at a bunch of different monitors and stuff. With your natural 20, you can tell that this seems to be some sort of prison or observation cell. I look at Taylor. Don't let go, you son of a bitch! Who I betrayed. I'm going to hang on to Taylor as they pull. I'm not going to let go.

OK, but as I'm being pulled, I'm going to look at Norm and scary. I'm going to say tell my dad to run. Wait, I'm not letting go. OK, are you going to try to jump in with him? I guess they're pulling Link in pretty hard, but you have like a not amazing grip on Link's leg. It is the most natural thing physically for him to just sort of come out of your hand. So if you want to actually follow them and you're going to have to jump for it.

And normally you could hypothetically make the same choice, but you're further away from the... Well, yeah, I got a five, so I feel like I biffed it on the ground. Yeah, so you'd have to sort of get up and run and jump, and it might be, you know, harder. It might be a higher difficulty roll for you to make the leap through the thing. Yeah, I'll give it a shot. Okay, go ahead and roll acrobatics or athletics. A natural one.

You push him further. As far as Lincoln knows, you literally pushed him into the portal intentionally. Norman, what are you going to do? Normal locks eyes with Link and Taylor and sees Scary and realizes he doesn't want to abandon Scary in the room with the fucked up monster. And then...

And then he looks and he sees the only sigil of hope that he knows of in the world on the ground. And it's that dummy of teeny the teen. And he grabs it and he gives it a kiss on the forehead and he throws it through the portal and says, go teens. And then Taylor's like, give us the gun. No, not that one.

Not that one! Not that one! Oh, shit, the gun! They just pulled you and Taylor in, and the portal closes behind you, but Tiny Teeny manages to go through the portal with you as it closes. The mayor's still in here? The mayor's still here. I say, your mama's so dead, her driver's license is a junkyard. She leans down, and she kisses you on the forehead, Iscariot, and she goes, I'll see you at the debate.

Not today, no, not today.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlow. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Maxson Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashton Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. Jimmy Wong and Sapphire Liu handle our merch. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

By the way, we are available on Amazon Music as another podcast platform that you can listen to us on. We are supported by the coolest Patreon in the game. And some of these fine patrons are folks like Kevin O'Connor, Ya Boy Tim Tam, Kaylee Warren, Nicole Nielsen, Epic Asia, Phineas Lemaire, Brian Kinney, Nicole Nielsen, Battle Dad, Robert Pedroza, The Sea Roth, Nicole Nielsen, Alexis Gillenwater, Minette the Magnificent Magic Harp, Matt Higgins, Alex DeSanmartino, Asreal, As It Gets, and Jake Leffler.

You too can directly support the show and get ad-free episodes at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. It's a very special week for the Patreon because this week we're going to be releasing episode one of Sons and Sons Ability, our Regency Romance one-shot mini campaign where we all play as eligible bachelorettes looking to score a hubbo in Regency-era England. Jane Austen, eat your heart out. This was a Patreon stretch goal, and here's a little sneak peek of what I think might be the funniest thing we've ever done. I think what we should do is we all on the count of three...

the name of the most eligible bachelor we are all going to be going for. And we are bound to that choice, no matter what. False wits. One, two, three. Call it anybody who will have me. LAUGHTER

As a reminder, every patron at every level gets access to this as well as our other one-shot mini campaigns. So if you're looking for some very funny and very entertaining self-contained tabletop campaigns, I highly recommend you check out At the Mountains of Dadness and Gungans and Daddies, All That Jizz. And that is just a fraction of what every patron gets access to. Stuff like The Rock's Rock EP, a geologically themed rap

album done in character by henry oak stuff like talking dad or this season is called teen talk where we answer listener questions and dive into the record process of every episode you don't want to miss out on these and at this point there are hours upon hours of extra content available on our patreon and you support this podcast directly by joining up so yeah

Give it a shot. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. There are other ways, of course, to support this show. Our merch is at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Twitter, give us a follow, Dungeons and Dads. Our subreddit is Dungeons and Daddies. We're spinning up a TikTok now like all the cool cats. That's going to be DNDadsPodcast. Our next episode comes out May 17th. We will see you all then.

Typical group project vibes. Two people just straight up peacing you out, peacing out the night before it's due, and then two people have to do the whole thing on their own.