S2 Ep. 6 - Dance Dance Revelations 2ndMix Link Version
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Tonight on the emotional season finale of The Bachelorette, Scary Marlo needed a date to the big dance. I kind of needed to go with someone to the dance because there was going to be like an incursion or whatever and it was kind of like my job to stop them.

But to get to the dance, she's gonna need a date, because this is a no-losers dance. These are the most precious moments of your life. Soon it'll just be a memory, so you gotta find someone you love and date him to death and right away before she leaves you for your brother, Cal.

I've made my decision.

Billy Steescake, will you go to the dance with me? I cannot believe I'm going out with Scary. I've been crushing Hunter so hard since sixth grade gym class. Yeah, I really don't care one way or another who Scary picks, but I've got to find somebody else, so maybe I should just... Yo, so, like, Billy was, like, a little too enthusiastic, if you know what I mean, and I need somebody who's more my speed, so I was thinking, why don't we just go to the dance together? Wait, what? Oh, okay, yeah, that's great. That's it for The Bachelorette. What a lousy...

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is the story of four teens searching for their lost dads in a world forever changed after their granddads accidentally unleashed an eldritch god one whole season ago. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, cool, anime-loving ranger.

Teen. Teen. Taylor's rad fact for this week. Taylor has been trying unsuccessfully, I should note, to get one of his dances sold in the hit game Forknife. Oh my God. Forknife. Love that. You know how like pronunciations of things change over time?

that can happen in video games too so this is like McDonald's becoming Macca's in Australia it's just Fortnite now yeah yeah yeah the burgeoning metaverse economy of Fortnite has allowed it so that that is the quickest way to get rich quick create a dance and sell it to the so what's Taylor's dance what's his move I feel like it's Reese sheathing his blade over and it's like the sheath but it keeps getting tagged for looking inappropriate like this is clearly not what people are using the emoji for there's a bunch of stuff at the

beginning but the finishing move is always it's the look on the cover art which is the two fingers at his eye and a little like salute off of the end of it what's it called what's the name called oh I don't know I don't have a good name the Swifty the Swifty yeah the Swift step the Swift step yeah he's been unable to become rich off of his dances

Like all of us, really. Like all of us. Struggling on that grind. Speak for yourself. I'm loaded from dancing. The Macarena. Beth invented the Macarena. Did you guys have to learn the Macarena? Yes. Why did they make us do that? Could you imagine? The Macarena is a curriculum.

You can still pull it out anywhere right now and people would do it. Yeah, I want to do the Macarena right now. It is the least dance dance that ever existed. I don't know why they made us do it. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, boom, boom. Yeah, arms. Nolz got his hands and his cross. Hey, Macarena. Aye, aye. And then you turn 90 degrees. Yep. And then do it again. And then you do it again. That was the worst 10 seconds of our podcast ever.

Because I was making noises as we acted out the Macarena. We probably caused so many car accidents from people just automatically doing the Macarena in their car. Just they feel the rhythm and the groove and they can't help themselves. My boyfriend was out of town. What else was I supposed to do? Hey, everybody. I'm Matthew Arnold. I play... Hey, Matthew Arnold. That's fun. Has anyone ever done that before? Is that a first for you? No, that's a thing now. That's great.

I play the protective paladin, Lincoln Lee Wilson. The protective paladin. Yeah, the schooled-at-home sports kid. I mean, he does also stay at home. Yeah, he's stayed at home. I'm a stay-at-home student. So one of the times, so... I don't live at the school. So the first thing that Marco and Grant were excited about once Lincoln was old enough to stay at home at night was that they started taking ballroom dance classes together. That's the thing that Marco and Grant like to do.

But then Lincoln kept getting really lonely on Wednesday nights when he was alone. So then after a year or so, he started coming in, but he wasn't really into ballroom dance. But Lincoln is actually a very good modern dancer. He does a little bit of jazz dance as well. But he's got that footwork because he's like, oh, it's good for his first work. He's good. He's like a good dancer. That was me in middle school. I was the guy who would go up to the DJ and be like, can you play Cherry Pop and Daddy's Zoot Suit Riot so I can bust out the jitterbug I learned at Cotillion? Oh, shit. Hell yeah. Yeah.

He's like, do you want me to just not have sex with you right now and skip to the end? Can you still do it, Will? I can kind of do it. I think I've more or less forgotten about it. Can you do the mashed potato? Lincoln's definitely much more into modern dance, like hip hop and a little bit of jazz dance, a little bit of whatnot. Whatnot is actually, it was a famous hip hop song from 2040. And it's just hip gyrations.

It's just simulated standing sex is all it is. One person by themselves clasping an invisible partner, thrusting invisibly. And everyone's like, this is it. The viral dance of the millennium. We have it. All the schools taught their kids how to do it. Instead of sex ed, they taught everyone the whatnot. When you go to a school dance, there's a sign that says no whatnotting.

It's the one dancer nod. It's like grinding back in our day. I remember that. But Lincoln's really good at whatnodding. Now if we need to cause a distraction at the dance, maybe Lincoln will applaud his whatnod.

Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oak, perky, peppy, chipper, cheery, school spirit mascot kid. Got it in one. Nice. Fun fact about Normal this week. I thought I'd reveal how Teeny the Teen came to be the school mascot, which is that there was a contest to name the new school mascot, and the far and away front runner was Demon the Sandemus Demon. It's like the Sandemon was the front runner. So, like, everyone was fucking flipping out. That actually sounds

tight as hell heavy metal demon like people were coming up with summon the demon chants and shit like that Taylor came up with that it all got way out of hand and the school administration was like we're gonna get a lot of blowback on this so Pepperoni Tony fudged the numbers rigged the vote he key swan he yeah he pulled the key swan

And he picked what he thought would be the least problematic, least offensive name on the list, which was Teeny the Teen. And Normal Oak has been a fucking pain in his ass ever since. Oh, wow. So does Normal think that everybody actually likes him? Yes, I think 100% Normal does not understand that people didn't like Teeny the Teen. That's beautiful. Not my mascot. Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Slytherin.

Scary Marlo, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about Scary. You can hear the smile. It sounds fun already. As has been established, she desperately wants to be in like a hardcore heavy metal rock band, but can't play the guitar.

is trying to like secretly worm her way into a guitar lesson from the orchestra teacher. So she decided to start playing the cello because she figured she could fit a guitar in a cello case.

But her parents found out and now they're all like, you can't play the guitar. What parent would deny the guitar? My parents did. Oh, really? Really? Yeah. Like a drum set, I get because it's a drum set. Violin, I get. Sounds like you're killing a cat. But a guitar? Yeah. I eventually won this battle. So, yeah. I'll say I've offered to give, I think, maybe 20 people over the course of my life. Okay, teach me how to play guitar. Not a single one has ever made it past like,

part one, which was just like, do you want practice next week by next week? No, no practice. Okay. Well, you know, it's gonna be hard to learn guitar if you don't want to practice or play it. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm the daddy master. So how often outside of our podcast would you say you've heard the phrase daddy magic? Had you ever heard it before our podcast? Never, never, never heard it. I thought you made that shit up. I did make that shit up as far as I know. I mean, I may not be the first person who made it up, but I just pulled two words out of my head.

So imagine my surprise when I'm watching All Elite Wrestling and a character comes on who his name used to be Matt Lee, and then he gets renamed into Daddy Magic Matt Menard.

And I'm just, I just want to say that if you're listening, I will fucking destroy you. I will power on you. I'll destroy you in real life. Oh shit. Come on to the show. Bro. As of two days ago, AEW has filed for a trademark on the term daddy magic. I swear to God. Uh,

They have the trademark, dude. There's only one way to settle this. Yeah, it's in the ring. We can't do Daddy Magic merch. We can't do hats, shirts, socks, sweatshirts, bandanas, or hooded sweatshirts anymore now. That fucking sucks. Tony Khan, look. Wait, wait, wait. We can actually dispute the trademark filing. Yes, let's do it. That'd be fun to fuck with a guy who literally is a billionaire and his dad is also a billionaire. Yeah. Hmm.

Who cares? Maybe not. I can still box a little bit. I would pay to watch you beat up Tony Khan. Let me roll to die. Oh, yes. Roll to see if you die as a left-handed person, then roll to see if you jerk off. 72. Okay, so you didn't die. And not immortal. What if you get 69? I mean, you roll a, if you get 69, she becomes immortal. I think we've talked about this before, like, outside of the podcast. She becomes immortal. But just so we all know, I looked it up, we know that the left-handed thing, like, left-handed people are more likely to die. It was like a bullshit study from, like, the 90s that we know is not real. But.

but it's fun. But historically, they've been more likely to die because they used to think it was like a weird perversion thing. Yeah, you get, you get. Or maybe in the future, we all hate left-handed people again, so who knows? Yeah, yeah, that comes back around. I've been treated with mostly kindness. Mostly. So roll, yeah, roll a d20, a saving throw for your constitution to see if you jerked off. I thought it was a d10. No, no, no, it's a d20. Okay.

A nine plus three. Okay, you barely made it. You just had to beat a 10. Man. How strong is that knife now? Four, five, five, 44, I think. No, I think it's five. 5d4 damage. Well, don't stab my dad with it.

The last we left are in four intrepid teens. You were at the dance. You had picked up Hermione Unworthy. And just before you stepped in, Taylor decided he would go with Margarita Pizza because Erica Drippins was at the popular kids dance. And upon stepping inside and hearing Pepperoni Tony explain that all the kids need to get together and kiss because his marriage is dissolving. You saw a Larkin Sparrow on the dance floor. Dead? Oh,

Uncle Ark, what are you doing here? Oh my God, I'm so glad you're okay. I write up to them. They're sort of dancing. What kind of dance moves? They're doing the Fortnite dances from our era. Oh my God. Okay, that checks out. I literally, like my stomach torqued itself, like in my own belly.

They're T-posing, they're doing all the good Fortnite shit. Are the kids loving it? Like, are they surrounded by kids like, oh, these two dads are cool? Or is everybody moving away from them? Sorry, what I meant to say was, there is a vast ocean of nothing on the dance floor. And in the middle, there's an island of two grown-ass men. Flossing? Flossing. Oh, God! Pepperoni Tony's like, whatever, there's two of them, this is fine, this is great.

You could be more like them. They see you coming and they stop flossing and they go, hey, oh, it's normal. Normal, normal. Hey, dad's here. Dad's here. Give me a hug. I hug my dad. I was so scared. What happened to you? No, you don't. Your arms go through him. Like he's not even there. What?

And he goes, oh, right, right. It's sorry. It's projecting. I'm projecting. And Lark goes, look, normal. You have to listen to me. Where we are, it's doing stuff to our heads. We tried to, oh, man, I want to dance. No, no, no. Okay, so we're using a lot of magic to try to project and try to talk to you. There are some things we had to tell you. Okay, what was it? What are you doing? Okay, okay. What are those dance moves? I'll ask later. What's going on? Sparrow goes, first of all, I love you. I love you.

I love you too, dad. I love you so much. Everything I love about you is so good. Everything about you is so good, except I would love it if you could be less weird.

And Lark's like, stop that, stop that, you're being mean. You're being mean. And he goes, no, I'm just, it's from the heart. I just think he's too weird and he's never going to be happy and it freaks me out and it kind of disappoints me and I'm a little disappointed. Hey, only I'm allowed to call him weird. Oh, you have friends. You have friends. That's great. Oh, yeah, the other, yeah, yeah. Oh, ah, I remember what I wanted to say. You should come and save us. And to save us, you just need daddy magic.

Yeah. Did you see the door? I did. That's a door for you. It changes as you get older and longer. We sure this guy's telling the truth. Roll inside if you watched it. I'm going to roll inside as well. Your uncle seems drunk. That's my dad. The other one's my uncle. Did you get into mom's stuff again? No, it's the place where we are. It is having an effect. I got a 13 in his current state. A 10 would have been sufficient. So you can tell that as far as you know, he's telling the truth.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just this place. It really, really ruins your mind. And it kind of like eats away at what you are and messes with you unless you do something to stop it. So I took precautions and had a little drink. Yeah.

And Lark is like, I didn't. I'm beginning to forget a lot. I told your dad some things I shouldn't, me having sex with his wife when they were engaged and all that kind of stuff. And Sparrow's like, I knew when it happened and it was fine. It was too awkward to talk about, so I just let it slide, man. It's not a big... Ah, oh, okay. So we did a lot of research into daddy magic, which is apparently now a trademark. And it's...

It clouded the search results as we looked into it. Yeah. The way you get it is it's a combination of your desires, R-E-me, and my desires, R-E-you. Unless Lark's your dad or something. Lark's like, I'm not his dad. It was a different time. It was not during the pregnancy. And Sparrow's like, okay, that would have been fine. I still would have loved you. Still would have loved you, you little weirdo, weirdo, stinky boy. Dad, can you, Dad, what is, where are you? What the hell's going on? Yes. So we're in another, we're on another plane. A plane? Yes.

- No, no, no, we were trying to fight the doodler and do some stuff, but we got trapped here and so that's bad. But the daddy magic, the closer we get to each other's desires and stuff, that's how strong your daddy magic gets. So if you can get really full of daddy magic by being, you know, not super weird, then you can come rescue us. Tonight, there's gonna be incursion here, right? So that's why we came here. We knew there'd be an incursion. I could siphon some of the magic to project ourselves in here and talk to you.

So if you just act like super cool and normal at this dance and you like have a fun date that goes normal and is not weird and you take off that mascot suit and maybe like wear deodorant, I think everything will be cool and I'll be proud of you. And then, yeah. Whoa. You're not proud of me?

No, I mean, I love you a lot. I don't know. Proud is like, I want to show you to people and be like, this is my son. And I definitely don't want to do that. And Lark's like, oh my God. But no, he doesn't. I mean, he means what he's saying. He doesn't mean to mean what he's... Lark starts hitting himself. Why are you being such a dick? It's doing stuff to us. It's the drunkenness and also it's this place that we're in. He wouldn't be saying that if he was just sloshing home. Well, he'd be thinking it though, right? I mean...

Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, Dad, I'll do it. It's fine. I'm sorry. It's fine. But you don't have to, though, Lark says. Well, I mean, I kind of do. No, no, because you don't have to come and save us. I want you to enact Code Purple. Did you hear? There's this thing. No, I know what fucking Code Purple is. We're way over our heads.

heads here. I'll tell you what I know about Code Purple. Each of us dads was only supposed to know one aspect of it so that if any of us got caught then like the doodler wouldn't find out what it is and also Grant was saying that there was something about like it's too psychically damaging for everyone to know all of it all at once or something. Is Grant there or are other dads there? Yes, absolutely. Grant's there. He misses you a lot. We all split up to go to different incursion points and we're all hiding near different incursion points.

which weirdly it turns out is in your school. Like one of them's like near your drama area and one of them's been like the band room and stuff. But like, it's in a weird version of it, like over here. So like, it's like, you ever see Stranger Things? It's really old show. It doesn't matter. But the thing is like, oh God, I'm getting Code Purple. There is a machine somewhere in the archives at Daddy's called the amplifier. You need to find that. And then whatever Code Purple is, the amplifier is a really important part of it.

You can go to the drama club and then there was a couple other ones I can't remember where there are these incursions that are going to happen. And then you'll be able to see, you know, one of these pairs of dads and we can tell you about our piece of the code purple puzzle. And then you can also maybe, you know, close the incursion and get a bunch of daddy magic that way. So it's up to you whether you want to come and rescue us or if you want to enact code purple or maybe both. Like, I don't know, but...

For me, I'm cool dying. You should not come in here. I think you would die. You should stay. Stay safe. Don't ever expose yourself to any danger whatsoever. We signed up for this. Your mom's a great person. She'll be able to be a good single mother. It's your turn to talk now. What's going on? I'm here. I'm at the dance with my friends.

We're trying to save you guys and now I'm here and save us? Don't save us? What do you want? Sparrow says, I want you to come and save us because I want to see my boy again. And Lark says, and I want you to not do that. I want you to do Code Purple. I'm sorry, kid. I'm sorry, kid. Thank you for, okay, fine. I'll figure it out. I love you so much. I like you so much. Not proud of you, but I love you. What's going on? And Lark's like, no, we have to get out of here. We told them what they need to go. Let's go. I'm so sorry. He'll apologize for that later. If we see you again, I hope we don't. But like, yeah, you have a good life.

There's a Glock under my desk. Yeah, bye. They start to slowly fade away. Is there anything you want to say to them before that happens? The last thing you hear before they fade away entirely is Sparrow going, are you mad at me?

And then they fade away entirely. Taylor like kind of saunters by. I was just getting punched. What'd I miss? All right. Just, just give me a second guys. I just give me a second. And I walk off to the bathroom on the way to the bathroom. You see a Hermitian worthy is standing up against the wall, leaning up against the wall, reading like a pamphlet or something. Like maybe it's like a book with a cover. No, that's not true. I go to her. Hey, Hermie, dude, look, man, look, your date's having a horrible time. Go do something. He goes, Oh, I have to continue my role. Do I?

Well, OK. He said, give us space. But like in movies, like when somebody says it doesn't apply to me, it doesn't apply to the person on data. That's usually like, all right, I will. He cracks his neck. He goes, I will continue the method. And he rolls up this thing and puts it in his pocket and he heads into the bathroom. We get a quick glimpse of what if you want to roll perception or insight.

11. Ooh, I got an 18. Okay, so Taylor, you saw that it's a script to the play. Scary, you see that it is an adaptation of the ancient classic film. You can see on the cover, you see a guy like jumping down stairs or something like that. And he's got his like back arch and his head's in the air. And on the bottom, you see the play adaptation of Joker based on the film by Todd Phillips. I hate it so much. I hate it so much.

So, uh, Hermie the Unworthy, who this entire time was just method acting to practice for his lead role in Joker, pushes open the door to the bathroom. And what are you doing, Normal? Normal is, uh, taking off the mascot head and I've set it down on the sink. Great. And I'm staring at myself in the mirror. He goes, ooh, having a, uh, moment of self-reflection. Do you want to be alone or should I come?

Comfort you. To be honest, the role that I'm preparing for, he never gets the date that he wants, so I don't actually have to do this part, but you look like you might need some... What do you mean? What role? What are you talking about? The way that I behaved to you previously at the school with the moves on Scary that I put, all that unsavory business. That is part of my method acting process. He is going to become the Joker. Oh, Scary! Scary's here! Yes, Scary followed me in. I'm going to become the Joker. Yes, correct.

So you're an actor? I like to consider myself a truther. That means a different thing now. But he also doesn't believe 9-11. But I also don't believe 9-11 wasn't an inside job. But no, yes, I search for the truth in things and I bring them to the stage. Well, I guess to get my dad back, I got to act like a more normal person.

tonight. And I don't really know how to do that. I just kind of do me. If you were preparing for a role as just a high school kid that their dad was proud of them, what would that look like? So he temples his fingers and begins to pace back and forth like he's Laurence Olivier. And he says...

ideally one would draw from one's own experience of normal people one has met or normal people they are. But as you were not normal and as judging by the way that your pants just behave, your pants are not normal. It's acceptable in certain situations to go to pop culture. So when you think of particular characters, you thought, ah, that's a normal character. That's a normal person with normal desires. What comes to mind for you? Uh,

Um, well, I guess like probably those people in the background of other movies, you know, like extras, right? So, you know, where you're like, oh, you know, you're watching a movie and you're seeing the kid work through their stuff and you see like another kid in the background, like reading and you're like, oh, I wonder what his story is like. Probably not as interesting as movies, not about him. So, so he gets really close to you and he puts his hands on his knees as he goes into like a squat pose and he goes, that's good.

That's good. Follow that. Follow that. What is, would you say, the most normal extra you've ever seen? Think of them in your mind palace. What were they doing? Let's see. Like, I don't know, doing school stuff like drinking from drinking fountains or, you know. That's it. He snaps. That's it. That's your, we call this business. What you do with your hands, what you do with your face, what you do with your body, that's how you get into the character. So what I want to see from you normal is I want to see you with those drinking fountains.

I want to see you in that background. I want to see you being the best extra you can possibly be. For if normality is what you seek, there's nothing more normal than drinking water from a water fountain. Okay, but I'm going to need some help getting a new outfit together. Right. I'm not really wearing much under here. Hey, buddy, are you doing okay? I mean...

I'm okay. I'm just not going to think about it later. I'm just trying to get my dad back. I mean, my dads don't drink, but sometimes they have a little too much soda pop and they get a little bubbly. And sometimes they say things that they don't always mean. Look, man, I don't know that many kids, but you're like...

You don't mean normal. Look, my dad has a cool book. I bought copies for you all. But, you know, it's how to be a good teenage boy. I'll get, you know, it'll still apply for you, scary. But anyways, one of the pages says, be proud of how you look and what you are wearing and who you are. And I think I think you're you're not normal. You're just well, you are normal because that's you. That's your name. You already are normal. Your dad's just he's just a little bubbly. Don't worry about it. But if we don't do the thing where normal looks like, you know, the other meaning in normal, then like, what are we going to do?

I don't know. I appreciate it, Link. You could be a good mascot because that was a great pep talk. Oh, thanks. I think I got to try this out, right, to get him back. I don't want to be doing this anymore. So here's what I'm thinking. We did a big clothing drive and there's a bunch of clothes. Oh, oh, oh, normal, normal, normal, please. You're not talking to some...

audience member you are talking to and he rips the front of his suit off and it comes off like because it's tearaway tuxedo and he has another tuxedo on underneath it he goes you're talking to a thespian and we have actors don't wear tearaway clothes I am that kind of actor that's true

And he hands you the tearaway tuxedo and he goes, I always come with a change of clothes and perhaps- A quick change. A quick change. Always come with a tearaway tuxedo. You gotta bring looks with you if you're an actor. Of course. This tuxedo is a slightly different color of off black. It's like slightly lighter. It would be my honor to be your costumier for this production. Oh my goodness. Okay. Yeah. All right, guys. I'm gonna-

We need to protect the mascot costume. That's number one, though, because Chaparral could be anywhere. They could have agents anywhere in this building. Oh, I got an idea. I got an idea. Yeah, what do you think? Let's put this mascot costume in this stall, and then we'll take one of our anagram machines and just play back a voice memo of someone pooping real hard. That sounds great. I could just wear it.

because that could help you too because I feel like if they see me in the mascot outfit they'll be like oh that's normal and then they'll see you a normal kid they're like that's some normal kid but if they don't see the mascot outfit they're gonna be like hey that's normal but not in his mascot outfit that's not normal and then he won't be normal so like do you see what I'm saying it's like that thing where people are like oh I want to hang out with like shorter friends so I seem taller but instead it's just like I'm gonna have a friend be in a mascot costume so I seem more

normal like you so everybody's like oh that must be normal and then they'll see some new kid like that kid's really normal looking do that for me bro well i'm doing it for my dad because i really want to save him but i'm doing it for you too well i that would be great yeah um just okay uh she's a little smelly and i'm gonna go clean it she okay uh she pulls to the left

So, you know, you, you, you, you, you know, start compensate while you're walking, but that would be great. Cause then I'll know that it's safe. And then I'll just try to blend into the background with a Hermie and we'll go from there. And hopefully that'll be enough to get my dad back. So just to, since I'm going to put this thing on, what are we doing? So you, you,

act normal and then we're what's happening so uh as you say that you hear a loud boom in the cafeteria and they just move walls depending and you hear pepperoni tony go oh like joe what's going on here oh they must have hit the drop you got away from me hey you get up wow

And you don't know what happened, but that's what you heard. Uh-oh. The incursion's happening. We need to get out there. Let's go out there and see what caused that boom. Let's do it as normally as possible. I'm just going to... Yeah, that sounds great. Hermes says, I want to see a normal walk. Give me a normal walk to that door, normal. All right, I'm going to make an athletics roll. Yeah. You can also do acrobatics if you wish. He's dropped the dice off of his table. This is not a good sign. That's automatic disadvantage. Shit.

It's on the other side of the... Here's what happened here. I got a die for you. He's dropped the dice and it's fallen into one of my Pelican cases full of audio cables and now Will is unable to find it. So you roll with this advantage. 15 and a 19. Wow.

So you do a pretty normal looking walk. Normal usually has like, I remember when I was a kid, my dad would give me a hard time because I waddled when I walked. Like I did like sort of a jaunty side to side thing. Oh wow. And so normal is just like, like it looks a little bit like. You're cross country skiing. It's like the T-1000 is cross country skiing. It's essentially a scene from Bambi. Like you get up, you're like,

And Hermes flower. He's like trying to push you from the right directions. What's that movie? Forrest Gump. How am I doing guys? Does this look okay? Wow. Does it look remarkable at all? Mad swag, my man. I mean, what are you doing? It looks completely not. It's happening. There's a suit up. Yeah. I put the thing on my head. Okay. Roll constitution check.

I got a seven. You vomit into it. You didn't clean it before you. Oh, yeah. Sounds wet in there. It's it wasn't before. Sounds wetter in there. Guys, I feel sick. Look, look, what do you want? You're killing. I pull it off and I got vomit all over my face and I'm trying to wash my face and I put it back on. I got a real constitution again. No, it's fine. I mean, you're used to it now. I got to. I threw up again. OK. Yeah, you want to.

19. It took me three tries, but now I get it. I'm like, you know, normal doesn't smell so bad in here. Why doesn't he do it a few times? Yeah, only because you've coated it in your own scent, which you're used to. Mine's the smell of their own brew, you know? Yeah, now normal's going to have to roll the next time he puts it on. This is the most disgusting costume. So I look at him and say, now, Link, when you wear that costume, you are a representative of this school. You need to be pride personified. You need to be school spirit personified. Can you do that? Ah.

I will do my best. Well, that's number one. That's the first lesson of being a cool team is doing your best. You're already on your way. And I give him a pat on the back. All right. All right.

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When you exit the restroom, you see that...

The dance floor looks actually kind of similar to what it was before because you didn't see a lot of people dancing. It was empty. But now they're up against the walls. Their bodies. No, they're up against the wall freaking out, the people at the dance. And right up near the stage where Pepperoni Tony was talking, you expected to see a hole. They said it was a glory hole. But these incursion points, they're not quite holes. It's more like a big...

this like big white pustulating kind of dome that looks more than a little like just massive acne. And from the top of her head, where the zit juice would come out. Where would? It's not currently happening, but instead of that, there is a writhing black tentacle that has opened up and has wrapped itself around Pepperoni Tony's neck.

And as you see this, PT! Get away from him, you zin! All right, get inspiration. You get to use that for later. As you say that, the tentacle kind of detaches from the incursion point, which stays where it is. And it...

finishes wrapping itself around Pepperoni Tony's neck, and it snakes its way up to his lips, and it starts applying itself to his lips like lipstick. And every single time it applies itself, it gets a little bit shorter and a little bit shorter, like it's dissolving itself as it goes into his lips. And his lips are getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger, and they're the size of his head now, and bigger and bigger, and he falls over because they're not the size of his torso, and his lips kind of split open because they're a little bit chapped. And from the splits in his lips, some tentacles pop,

come out. His legs are still around though, which is weird. He still has his slacks on in his legs. Is Margarita watching this? Margarita is watching this and Margarita goes, ah! You're embarrassing me. Dad! Dad! Not in front of my friend! She's beginning to completely lose her shit. Scary is walking over and unsheathing her knife thing, but she's trying to act like a normal teen too, so she's just like,

Oh my god, gross! Um, ew! Um, I sure wish that I, uh, had a hot car. Vroom, vroom! So somebody near you goes like, that girl sounds really normal. I don't know.

I thought that scary chick was weird. Turns out she's just like us. Turns out she's just like all of us. Did you hear what she said about hot car? I want a hot car. I want a hot car. I just talked about hot cars all the time. Gonna drive it since it's so hot. This weird lip creature that once was Pepperoni Tony looks out onto the dance floor and with Pepperoni Tony's voice, it opens its lips, but its teeth are still the same size. They're just really small in the back of its fucking mouth. And it goes...

Everyone. Two of its tentacles that are coming from its lip, they lash out and they just grab two random kids that you haven't seen before and that don't have names. Honestly, the kind of people Nora wants to be. Jeffrey! The one nice guy from Varsity Soccer. Jeffrey and Cool Chris. Jeffrey and Cool Chris, two of them.

It's Jeffrey, Cool Chris, and Sean, three of the 12 varsity soccer players. And they go, whoa, whoa, whoa, what do we have here? And then three of the tentacles grab him, and you hear Pepper and Etoni's voice from this monster going, now kiss. And it pushes the three of them together, their mouths together, and it goes, yeah.

And then the tentacles start like spewing out this like adhesive liquid, this red adhesive liquid that like globs onto their faces and the guys try to start pushing away. Not because they're like, we were going to kiss anyway, but we don't like being forced to do that. And they try to tear their heads away. But the sticky substance has kept them adhered to each other. And they go...

Chris, Sean, and Jeff are the coolest couple in school. Yeah, they're the coolest tribe in school. They kind of fall over because they can't keep their balance. They go, oh, oh. And the tentacles start hovering over the crowd because it's not specifically against you yet. I think everybody should be allowed to get an action unless you take an action that's directly harmful to the thing. And then we go into initiative.

Is there like a microphone? Yes, it is exactly what Tony Pepperoni was using. So it's right next to him. It's knocked over now. I was on a stand so he could do stand up. He's type five if he wanted to, but you can go and get it. I pull it off the stand because I'm doing a type five. So about that tentacle, huh? Pretty wild. All of you should just run.

Please run. And then Taylor, almost on cue, pulls the fire alarm. Yeah. Run. His signature move. Scary out. And I drop the mic. Okay, so Taylor, in order to pull the fire alarm, you'll have to do like a dexterity check to see if you can do it quickly enough before the thing notices you're trying to do that. Scary, if you succeed a performance roll, then Taylor will get advantage on that attempt. Okay. Natural one. Dang. Ooh.

The mic was not on. Gives you a little electric shock. We still heard you scurrying. That was pretty funny. Are you a comic? Yeah, the only person who heard you was Lincoln, which is worse than nobody hearing you. Nobody ever listens to me. It's like nobody can even hear me at all. Okay, so now if you want to do a check to it.

pull the fire alarm without getting spotted. It could be stealth. It could be like acrobatics like you're trying to run over there and do it. Seven plus one, eight. Eight. Okay, so as your hand reaches out toward the fire alarm. That's exactly what it is. My hand goes for it and then you see the fire alarm and the camera whips in and then you see five bulky Gundam fingers jamming against it. I'm like, ah, dang it. Ah, dang it.

Yeah, you can't make a fist. And not only that, Pepperoni Tony sees that you're trying to do it and he slaps the fire alarm off the fucking wall. Like one of his tentacles just goes into the wall. It's fake and it's just glued there. Yeah, yeah. It was never a real fire alarm. All right. Now, Normal and Link, are there any things you would like to do that are not directly offensive? I was just going to do, I have an idea for a weapon and a mechanic for it. Sure. I was going to open up my gym bag because I always have my gym bag with me. And I was going to switch to my cleats.

And I was thinking what I could do with cleats is like my unarmed attack. It's like bonus damage, but I always have to roll a athletics check because if it's not on grass, it's slippery and I might fall. That's fantastic. So I get like bonus damage, but I have to do like an athletics check. And if I feel that's great. Now you are wearing teeny the teens, big floppy feet.

I feel like mascots, usually they're floppy and they don't actually go around your feet because then you'd be standing on... Oh, so it's just like a fake... Like bell-bottoms type thing. It's a fake floppy foot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a floppy foot. So yes, I take off my dress shoes and I put on my cleats. Okay, great. And then I think normal unarmed damage is like a D4. You're wearing your dress cleats.

Normal no damage is a d4. We'll say it's a 2d4, but you have to roll athletics and not fall over. Awesome. Okay. While you're doing that, Normal looks at Pepperoni Tony, ruining yet another school event with his personal life problems. Keep at home, Pepperoni. He feels his love for this school surging through him. He feels the school spirit inside him, and his eyes glow white, and he says, drop, Pepperoni.

and I cast command. You speak a one-word command to a creature you can see within range. The target must succeed on a wisdom saving throw to follow the command on its next turn. And that is a wisdom 12. He's a VP. Do we think VPs get plus or minus? Is it wise to be vice principal of school? It depends on the school district and the politics. Do you know what I mean? Because sometimes you get a bonus up or down, man.

He got a 10, so he fails. So he drops? Drop means drop what you're holding. So he drops the kids. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Whatever their fucking names were, the three. Cool Chris, Sean, and Jeffrey. All right. Thank you. Let me write that down. By the end of this season, we'll have all the 12 names. Cool Chris is K's. K-O-O-L. Yeah. K-R-I-S. Yeah. Cool Chris. He's a 90s white boy hip hop star. His name is Cool Chris, and he's here to say he really loves Jeff. In a major way. And Sean.

Oh, no. Sean did it. I love them boys, Sean and Jeff for Ray. Yes. Yes.

He's got the gift. He is the one. Everyone's taking a turn. Cool Chris, Sean, and Jeffrey are still adhered to each other because of this goo, but they're just on the ground sort of like rolling around just like, so now everybody please roll initiative. Yeah. Ooh, yikes. Pepper and Tony got a natural 20. You know, sometimes going first isn't the best. Yeah, you know. How do I have initiative plus three? 15 plus one, 16. Six plus three, that's nine.

I got plus two initiative, so I got four total. A whopping four. Nice. I got a seven. Ladder. Low boys. Low rollers. Low rollers. Roller.

a little lower. So Pepperoni Tony goes first because Normal and Taylor were the two people to do something that's closest to like offensive toward him. You can see the lips kind of turn in your direction of both of you being, you know, like a Rolling Stones concert.

For the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Yeah, the Rocky Horror... That's what I was trying to think of. The Big Club. There we go. He is going to latch out with two tentacles and with one of them he's going to grab Normal and with one of them he's going to grab Taylor. Taylor would like to use his...

cosplay Gundam shield that he has to try and block. So it is made of cardboard, so I'll give you a plus one to your roll. It's not cardboard. It's probably a mixture of resin and carbon fiber. You get a plus two. But it's definitely a cosplay shield and not like a shield. Okay, so I'm going to roll just a d20 to see if he grabs you or not, and then you'll have to beat that roll. Is that an attack? No, I'm not considering it an attack. Okay, so it's not. It's like a grapple. So we got a 12.

All right. It's fair. A fair roll. So both of you please roll dexterity saving throws or something to avoid this.

Three plus one plus two is a six. All right, you did not beat it. So it just blows through my shield. I'm like, no, my shield! Yeah, it blows a hole in your fucking shield. It's ruined. I got an eight or a 10, rather. What did he roll? He rolled a 12. Okay, so here's what I think happens is normal attempts a front handspring to dodge out of it, but since he's not in the costume, his weight balance is off. Even more than it normally is because you can only halfway do one to begin with. So you just land up flat on your back. I just fucking turf it straight into the tentacle. Great. So both tentacles grab you, and he goes...

Now, and he spits the tentacles again, emit this red fluid that drips down onto both of you and he squishes you together. Now, here's my question. Can Taylor, as this is happening and seeing that there's going to be goo on his face, activate his visor so his Gundam mask comes down and covers his face? You should have said it was already down for 8th of November.

No, but I wouldn't do it. Roll a sleight of hand roll. See if you're quick enough. Iron Man that shit?

Natural one. Natural one plus one. It closes on your tongue. No, no, your tongue's just out. No, you know what it is? It's that this small amount of vigor and stress in this environment is just collapsing his costume around him. It just shatters off of you. It starts cracking around like you're fucking Iron Man getting pulled out of his fucking suit. It just cracks all over it. The tentacles squeeze a little bit tighter and then it...

like Mega Man. And the fucking suit just shatters off of you entirely. I saved up one whole week's allowance for this. And then, yeah, you could both get squashed together face to face. And like, he didn't even get you at the right height. So you're like noses in Taylor's mouth. I suck it. Yeah. Sounds like a teenager's first kiss. All right. Yeah, pretty much. Um, this red liquid, like what's like his consistency.

It's like a jelly. It looks like, like, like strawberry jelly. It's not like you just got hit and call a duty. You know, it's like, Oh, it's like alien goo from the movie alien and aliens and alien three and alien resurrection. But it's red. No, cause that's like acidic.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I just meant like consistency. Oh, the goo that they leave, the not acid stuff. Yes. Okay, yeah, it's kind of like that. Okay, I'm just trying to... Again, I'm just trying to say something that's relatively neutral and not that gross like strawberry jelly. Okay, yeah, just... But also Prometheus and Covenant, too. Oh, that's true. Yeah, don't forget. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Predator 2. That's true. I think there's a different consistency in Alien vs. Predator 2. Predator 2, Predator 1. Whoever wins, we lose. That's a great tagline. Predators by Shane Black or Robert Rodriguez. The Predator by Shane Black. Oh, they definitely in the future they have a thing. It's to catch a predator and it's just the same show. That's true.

It's the same show, but to spice it up, Chris Hansen comes out in an alien costume. Zia Moore's like, why don't you have a seat? Yeah, and then as you sit down... I saw this text message sent to LV426 saying, you are...

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but all the eggs on LV-426 are underage, aren't they? It's just a big buff man sitting in an apartment, like strapped and shirtless, and then like a predator opens the door. You are one ugly motherfucker. I would never have sex with you. And with his second action, you're going to hear a voice that is not Pepperoni Tony. It's come from that lip, and it goes, We would speak.

Speak! And you see something begin to crawl out of the mouth of Pepperoni Tony. You actually see a lot of little things. They look like doubled up worms at first, like two worms stuck together, until you realize they're tiny pairs of lips that are squirming and wriggling. Oh, no! And they're bright white, and they are starting to crawl along the floor towards the kids. Now it is Taylor's turn. Taylor, unfortunately, you are... Okay, so I'm grappled, right? You are stuck to normal right now, and you can try to break free with a DC 16 strength check. Ooh, that's...

Can I do a DC draw my sword cane and do a cool slash check? Give me a sleight of hand roll to see if you can reach it. Because it also dripped down your body, so your fronts are stuck together too. 12 plus one, 13? 13. Something wriggles free maybe, not totally. Yes, yes. Let's say you managed to unstick one arm. There's nothing in it, and especially now that you don't have the Gundam suit on, but your arm is free at least, and maybe next turn you can grab your sword. Mm-hmm.

Is there anything else you'd like to do on this turn? Like a free action, you know, looking at stuff, talking at stuff? I like the idea that I'm getting tossed around a little bit. We should have got to the cook and dance! All right, Lincoln, it is your turn. We weren't invited!

okay so there's just like a big human size like six foot tall lip crashing things you're not invited to and there's like two tentacles and they're holding normal and taylor yes and then there's also tons of tiny lips coming out of the floor yeah we'll say there's 30 of these like kind of cockroach size squirming worm lip things heading towards the kids oh no kids

I mean, the kids are probably naturally running away at this point. Yes, the kids are running and screaming and trying to get out. Sorry, I should have explained. Oh my God, now the fire alarm's gone? Now we gotta go. This dance is weird. Yeah, no, the kids are already trying to scream and get out of the cafeteria, but also in their panic, some of them are like running up against the wrong doors. The kids are like smooshing up against each other. As if, by the way, as if the sight of two adults doing Fortnite dances wouldn't have cleared that room out an hour ago.

I'm going to do Divine Smite, which is cool. It is pretty cool. It says melee weapon, but I'm just going to say like your cleats are a melee weapon. Yeah, it's my melee weapon. So I'm going to leap in the air and like ground. Essentially, I'm doing a ground pound because when you do a melee weapon attack, you can expend one spell slot. Beth, it's a video game. It's a video game. Beth, it's a video game. Ground pound. Like Mario does a ground pound, you know? I'm Princess Peach. When you hit a melee weapon. Yoshi does a ground pound whenever he wants. All the time. Yeah.

You can expend one spell slot to deal 2d8 extra radiant damage to the target plus 1d8 for each spell higher than first plus 1d8 against undead or fiends. Point being is like, it feels like it does damage to everybody around the damage point. Are they undead or fiends? What are fiends? Fiend is like demon people and they're not. That would be like, you know. So I could only just squish one of them? You're trying to do an AoE? AoE around them. It didn't sound like that was AoE. Is it AoE? It's extra radiant damage to the target plus 1d8 for each spell. That's a lot of damage to one target, it sounds.

So you can do that to Pepperoni Tony if you wanted to, but if you're just doing it on one worm, you're going to annihilate one worm. I'm going to try to bicycle kick. I'm going to do a cool bicycle kick in the air against the tentacle holding normal. Okay. What does AOE stand for? Because I thought of a sexual way thing. What is your version? I'll tell you the real one first. It's area of effect. So instead of a shot, it's a grenade. What is your thing? Anal or a worm. Okay.

What was the E? Ejaculate. Still the wrong order to do at least the first two. That's a shirt. We can make a shirt of that. You can't take that from us, Tony Khan. WLB is not taking that one anytime soon. Yeah, I'll still use Divine Smite on that, though, because it feels like it's more powerful. Yes, for sure. So first I'm going to roll Athletics to see if I slip. Okay.

I got an 11. In future, it will be 12, but I want you to do a cool thing. Okay. So I'll do 2d8 extra radiant damage. I'd normally do 2d4 and then 2d8. So first is 4. So then 4 now plus 2d8.

I double rolled one on the 2D8. Oh, no. So I got six. I got six. You got a six. Yeah. You hate to see it. One of your spikes goes like into it and sort of cuts clean through, but then it kind of heals back up a little bit. Like it hurt, but it's not...

You didn't do anything. You did. I should have just let you fucking whiff. It would have been a better day for all of us if you had. It would have been cooler to whiff. Careful, Link. He's got self-healing regenerative abilities. Now it is Normal's turn. I am stuck to Taylor and like my lips are on his forehead or something like that. Aww.

Eyeball. Basically imagine that you two stood together, somebody put glue on the front of both of you, and then just went boop. Okay, so it's like I'm on his cheekbone or something like that. Yes, basically, yes. Oh, we communicate just as we talk, the vibrations. Yeah, like those bone-conducting headphones that people have. But it's that. It sounds like, hey, whoa, sounds like you're in my head. Hey, can you hear this? But I realized because all of my spells have V for verbal as a condition, I can't cast any spells while I'm stuck to your fucking head.

So I'm going to try to wriggle off of, I guess I'll try to do that strength check. No, here's what you should do. What? You're the mascot, right? Do the worm. The worm will let you unstick. Oh, yes, that's great. Yeah, that's fantastic. I'll give you advantage for the strength check because that's a really good idea. I go, hang on, Taylor, I'm going to do the worm. Wait, wait, wait, wait. And then I'd start doing the worm to bust out of here. Oh, that's great because my acrobatics is higher than my strength. So I'd like to use an acrobatics role. Sure.

Ooh, I got a 20. Oh, a natural 20 or a dirty 20? No, 18 plus 2. Great. You managed to worm, which I assume means that the back of Taylor's head is like, ow, ow. Are we vertical? Because maybe it's like a vertical worm. Oh, if it's a vertical worm, that's better. It's a new move. Normal's been practicing in secret. The vertical worm. Great. People said it wasn't even possible. The V-worm. The V-worm. The V-worm.

Okay, great. So yeah, you like do the V-worm and you can feel the- This feels so weird. The crack, crack, crack of this gel that it was beginning to harden is now shattering as you do it and-

And now the two of you are separated. I love the idea that I have a normal outline now on my, like everything else is right there. The edges of it have the sticky stuff, but now I have like the outline of another person on your. Okay. So you are now free. Does that count as my movement or my action? Let's say that's a movement. Okay. In that case, I am going to cast guiding bolts, a flash of light streaks towards a creature of your choice within range pepperoni. Tony, it's a ranged spell attack.

So how do I do that? Oh, here it is. Here it is. Plus four spell attack. Great. So I just make an attack roll. You roll a d20. You add a four to it. All right. I got a 20. Jesus. Okay. So what happens to him? He takes four d6 radiant damage. And the next attack roll made against this target before the end of my next turn has advantage.

thanks to the mystical dim light glittering on the target until then. She's Louise, okay. Which for our purposes, we will say it takes the form of four arrows around him like a lock-on target in a 3D action adventure movie. Fantastic. When you strafe, you circle around him. Yeah, quick, lock on with your next attack. Scary, it is your turn. Okay, I'm going to cast True Strike on Tony Pepperoni. You point a finger at a target in range. Your magic grants you a brief insight into the target's defenses.

On your next turn, you gain advantage on your first attack roll against the target, provided that this spell hasn't ended. Jeez Louise. The next two attacks against Pepperoni Tony are going to get advantage. What insight does she get into his defenses? That he's really insecure about how much his wife loves him. Mainly stuff he already knew. He's insecure about dying alone because all of his dad and his grandparents have all died alone. And, you know, hurt people hurt people.

It is now Pepperoni Turney's turn again, and for one of his actions, he's little wormies. There's a couple of girls that are trying to get out through one of the emergency exits that's just for some reason stuck because this is a shitty, horrible school. This school is like a school dog trap. There's even a teacher there trying to open the door and it won't budge. The voice goes, man.

move and the lips move toward and they crawl up the legs of these kids and the teacher and they like go up under their clothes and they climb up their chest they're like the fucking scarabs from mummy except except with clothes not skin with not skin and then it gets to the lips and then it becomes like the scarabs from the money and it goes they get onto the lips and then they attach themselves with a loud like crunch almost like you could see these like like these little barbs come out of the sides of these these white lips

And then you see almost like veins begin to like appear from the lips moving upward throughout the heads of these two girls and this older teacher. And simultaneously they go stuck still and they put their hands down and they look into the sky and they go. No!

And then for his other action, he sees that you two have broken up and he goes, no, I said kiss. And he is going to use his tentacles to attack twice. And he's going to aim at, because he saw that normal did the vert, the vertiworm.

The vertical worm. The worm. He's going to try to attack you two times with his tentacles, just a slap across the chops. I'm going to cast in reaction protection while wielding a shield, which Lincoln never goes anywhere without shin guards because those bad boys, it's like a piano player protecting their hands. You got to protect your shin at all costs. It's like a piano player protecting their shins. Yeah.

Everyone's got shits. He puts those shin guards on his forearms, you know, like cool shields. And he's going to do protection. Ninja style, Don! Ninja style. Dude, I did that so hard. I was like, I need a Sub-Zero costume. So you can use your reaction to impose disadvantage on an attack roll. Disadvantage. Okay, cool. So the first one will get disadvantage.

That's a 16 for the first roll. Four for the second roll. So the first tentacle attack, you dodge it expertly as it zooms towards your head. The second attack roll is, what's your AC? 18. 18, oh wow. 18? That's really high. Is that too high? That's way high. Mine's 11, dog. Mine's 12. While I was figuring out his armor class, I'll say I want to take back that I did not take my shin guards off and put them on my arm.

That's stupid. I assume you just used your shingles. I actually deflected it with my leg. So yeah, that first one, I like kicked the tentacle away. You know that move Sammo Hung does? You know what I'm talking about? That like sweep, that crescent kick sweep. Yes. Okay. I have scale mail, which is plus four. Cause remember that Lark armored my... But you're not wearing that right now. Shit. That's right. You're just wearing normal. No, normally I have a scale mail and a shield. Okay.

which gives me another plus two. Yeah, which you have none of those things right now. But I do not have those right now. Wait, so normally when you're geared up, you have an AC of 20? I guess I probably don't have a shield because I don't know what shield normal would have other than maybe a backpack full of heavy weapons. I mean, the mascot outfit's really fluffy. But that would be the scale mail. That's the scale mail. I'm cool with the scale mail, but yeah, the shield doesn't make sense. So you're right. So minus four is 12. Cool. Wait, so you have plus four, Matt.

No, I'm 13. No, but you're wearing the mascot costume right now. Yes. You do. That's correct. Cool, my age is 17 now. For the first time outside of your mascot uniform in very, very long, I hope this doesn't dissuade you from ever taking it off again because the tentacle hits you really fucking hard in the head and it is going to do...

What? How many dice? 11 damage. Oh, all right. Are you in death saving? No, I have four health left. Whoa. Wow. Okay. And yeah, there were going to be two of those going for you. I told you I wasn't safe outside of the costume. All right. Taylor, it is your turn. I flop as normally as I can to the ground, like the way a normal kid would when they get pushed to the head by a tentacle. Roll performance. I got a 10. Hmm.

You look like somebody who's in a high school play where they do the crumple thing where you don't take any, where it doesn't hurt, where you kind of like fall. Have you guys ever fallen on stage? Yeah, so you do like almost like an S. Yeah, you make an S with yourself as you hit the ground. And as you open your eyes on the ground, you can see Hermit the Unworthy just kind of going...

You also see Link, who's a master at knowing. I was about to say, I was like, you fall like a soccer player. Don't buy it. Don't buy it. What the fuck is Hermie doing during this fight? Hermie is watching a great interest. I'm a study of human behavior. But more than that, I would like to be a study of whatever this is. This is truly fascinating. He opens the door on one of the rooms and helps people out because he's a nice guy now.

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See store for details. Taylor's going to try the move again. He's going to try and draw his concealed sword cane. You can just do that because you're free now. I know. So I'm going to do a cool swipe on it. I guess I have a short sword. I think that's what we're calling it. Sure. So I will do a hit to DC. That is a...

Five plus three. I've been rolling so bad this season. Five plus three, eight sword shard to hit. So yeah, the sword shard sinks into the... Don't mock me. Oh, did I say it wrong too? Did we both say it wrong? You said sword shard. Oh, whoops. We're buddies now. Buddies. Jinx poke, you owe me a coke. Oh wait, you have advantage. Do I? Yeah. Oh yes, that's right. Because of what normal did. Oh, okay. All right. So roll again. Sword shard, the sword shard.

short sword short sword Harrison Ford wielded a short sword in the swarthy shores of Swarthmore that's a good one that's pretty good did you just make that up that's off the top of the fucking thing that's a real tongue twister Harrison Ford used a short sword I honestly thought you got it from like a British sketch comedy show or something no no no that's Hermes warm up that's his vocal warm up Harrison Ford was a swart sword aw darn Hermes you'll get it next time

All right, that was a 16 plus three, 19. That'll do it. So yeah, you cut off one of the tentacles. One of the ends of the tentacles just comes off. What's the damage? Hold on. Slow the fucking roll. I do the swipe and then I sheathe it back in. I stand there and then behind me it goes...

Yeah. And then, you know, the blood sprays up everywhere and I'm like, heh, looks, whatever. How much damage did you do? Damage, 1d6 plus 3, oh, 7 damage. All right. And then I'd like to very quickly scurry behind Link because I know he's a big buff boy. Very tall. Well, speaking of a very tall, very buff Link, it's Link's turn. How much did he get hit for? A normal got hit for 11 damage. Yeah, I have 4 health left. I'm going to do lay on hand, so I'm going to put Teeny the Teen's big old mascot head right in front of your face. I'm going to say, hey, buddy. Teeny the Teen, baby. What a horrifying vision. Teeny the Teen.

This is the last thing you're going to see before you die. Maybe on me, but really, he's in you. And I put my hand on you, and I do lay on hands, and I use all 10 to heal you 10. Great. So you heal me 10? Okay, so normal has like...

Such a specific bullet. Do you know like the fucking shot of mercy that they use in all the Overwatch stuff where she's all haloed in the background? Yes, yes. It's like that. Yes. And Normal's eyes go wide. And like you can see the gold. You can see Teeny the Teen's eyes reflected in Normal's eyes. The first time we've seen Teeny the Teen talk to him. Yes, it's the first time I've gotten a pep talk from someone else. In your dying moments, yeah. So I take 10 hit points.

I'm now going to roll 1d4 psychic damage because I'm like, Link is a better team. Oh, that's great. I think it's 2d4. 2d4? Yeah. He means a lot to you as a character. Like, teeny that is. I took eight psychic. Oh my god! So you see me, you see it all play out on my face. You see Norval's eyes get really big and wide and hopeful and then like it just falls to this kind of agonizing grief and I look a little better than I started. I'm like, thanks, teeny. Ugh.

That's fantastic. So you're at six HP now? Delightful. Glad I used all my Leon hands for those two HP. All right, normal. It's your turn. Okay, rattled by that and remembering that I'm supposed to be a normal kid right now, which means I probably shouldn't do any freaky spell stuff because that's weird. My dad probably would be proud of me if I did that.

So I channel my anger at this kind of like humiliating moment and I just fucking run at Pepperoni Tony. Pepperoni Tony. I'm going to swing. Now he's Puckeroni Tony. Puckeroni Tony. God damn it. I'm just going to run. I don't have any weapons though. You can improvise a weapon from something that might be at a dance. What does Pepperoni Tony's wife do for a living? She is a lawyer. Pizza lawyer.

Yeah, she's Papa John's personal lawyer. Papa John is in an iron lung still. Papa John is alive. Being kept alive. Fucking white sauce being pumped into his face. He's an Alfredo. He's like the emperor from Warhammer 40K. They have to sacrifice 100 pizzas every day to keep him going. 100 franchisees, dude. They pull these...

It's considered a great honor to get to be sacrificed to Papa John. I'm just going to run up and start punching him with my two fists. Okay. Give me an attack roll. What is an unarmed strike? What is that? It's probably two. It should be in your actions. It should be in your thing as an unarmed strike bonus, like next to your ranged attack bonus. All right. I got a 20 for my hit. That'll do it. Roll damage.

It just says two bludgeoning damage. You did two damage to him. Nothing to be ashamed of. You punched a big set of lips. Your fist just goes into one of the big lips and it like, and he goes, oh. Scary, it's your turn. I...

Go closer to Pepperoni Tony and I say, Hey, Tony, your wife helped me out with some like free law stuff the other day. She said I had a keen legal mind. When's the last time she said anything to you? Oh my God. Holy shit, we have the strongest weapon in the team, girl. Okay, okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. That's amazing and you'll get an advantage for it because that's definitely an attack of like psychic damage or something. But, but,

We're going to have to do a roll to see how scary found that information out. That his wife's a lawyer. Lincoln would know. Ooh, yeah, that's true. You could use a bonus action to ask Lincoln something. Yeah, you know what? That's what it is. The way you asked me, you actually asked Lincoln. So do that instead. Hey, Link, what does Pepperoni Tony's wife do for a living? Uh...

I forget. She said, yeah, I don't know. She's a lawyer. She's a lawyer. She's a lawyer. She's a really cool pizza lawyer. A pizza lawyer. Interesting. She finally adjudicated the great debate of whether pepper really belongs on pizza. Chuck E. Cheese Esquire. Yeah, her name's Charles.

Like the girl from Pushing Daisies. So you can go ahead and roll an attack, and then it's going to have advantage because of your spell last time, and because of how brutal this was, it's going to do double damage. Is this like a spell? Is this like Dissonant Whispers or something? Yeah, I don't know. Are you doing a regular attack or a spell? I was planning on stabbing him. This is the definition of an unarmed strike is what it is. I just wanted to get him a little off guard. No, that's great. That's definitely worth double damage. Fuck my life. Well, you have advantage, first of all. Okay, okay.

Beth is burying her hands. Oh my God. I got a three is my best role. Kill me. I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. So you try to do that. You try to stab at pepperoni Tony and he grabs your hand and he goes, my wife not talking to me was one of the happiest moments of my life. I only realized what I'd lost just recently. Maybe that's why she, wait, maybe that's why she slept with my husband, my brother. Cause I stopped talking to her.

shit, I'm learning a lot. Fuck you! And then he's gonna, he's gonna once again, so it's his turn now. So you're next to him with your knife out and Normal's next to him having just punched him. And so...

Another tentacle is going to come out of another new split in his lips. He's going to try to grab both of you. He goes, stinky boy and goth girl. Ah, the match made in heaven. Yes! And he's going to roll. Okay, so that's for one of you. So he rolled a 13 on grabbing scary. So can you roll evasion or dexterity saving throw or something? Try to avoid that.

I rolled another one. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Okay, so he immediately grabs you around the stomach. And then normal, give me a roll. You're trying to beat a 17. Dexterity signature? Yeah. Oof. I got a, wait, I'm going to burn my advantage. Yeah, do it. Or my inspiration, rather.

17 is what I got to be? Unfortunately. Got a 21. Nice. Okay. So what do you do to evade or block or deflect this tentacle as it comes at you? Normal is still like just fucking reeling from fucking seeing his dad, you know, tell him that he's not proud of him to seeing Link be a better teeny the teen than him. And he just thinks, oh, what's the most normal teenager thing I could do right now? And he just rolls his eyes and flops dramatically onto the ground. I wish I was dead.

And the tentacle goes straight over you as you hit the ground. And he goes, I only got one! One's not enough! Wormies to me! And the two little girls and the teacher run toward Puckeroni Tony, and they just start punching at Scary, who is restrained. So they're each going to do an attack.

I'm going to use my cool shin guard shield to at least try to give one of them a... Who's the strongest? I'll do disadvantage on the strongest. Probably the teacher. Definitely the adult. Okay, so yeah, disadvantage on the adult. Okay, so the first girl... What's your AC, Scary? 12. So the first girl misses completely. She just goes like, eh, and slaps at you, but it doesn't hurt at all. The second one crits and does 14 damage. Oh my gosh. What? Oh no, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Seven damage. Sorry. And then the adult is going to attack with disadvantage. Okay.

And he whiffs entirely. He just goes, he tries to throw a punch, but he's like the English teacher. So he's never done that before in his life. Um, and, he just, he just whiffs on you. If you make fun of English teachers, we're going to lose like half of our audience.

I only said that because I was going to be an English teacher, so I assumed that's... I assumed all of them were like me. Oh, you would have been an interesting English teacher. Interesting is a good word for saying a very short period of time I would be an English teacher. I would be fired very quickly, I assume. How? Nobody's ever had it worse than me. All right, it's Pepperoni Tony's turn. This should be a moment where, like, the stakes get higher. Like, something more should happen. Okay, so what he does. So Pepperoni Tony, with his final action that I'm just giving him right now...

He's got a VP action. Yeah, he's got a VP action. He could have been taken previously, but he forgot to. And now he remembered. So he uses his vice principal action to pull the anti-fire alarm. It's like he realized he left like a cupcake in the teacher's lounge. Like, oh, is that extra little spice at the end of the day? Yeah. You know what? Yeah. He left a cupcake in the teacher's lounge on the stove and left the stove on. And we all know what's in there. Anything can be in the teacher's lounge.

And why did he leave a cupcake on the seat? I like my cupcakes when they're hot. A little crispy on the outside. What am I, a poor person? I'm not going to use a microwave. I'm the vice principal. I deserve a stone cupcake every now and again. Cupcake's like, I like my ex-wife. On a stone. And not talking to me. I'm silent in my brother's mouth. Oh my God. So he says that, and in that moment, the cupcake explodes in the teacher's lounge. So does her brother. Oh no.

And he actually did this the very first turn of the fight. And the fire has been slowly creeping towards the cafeteria, like working its way from the teacher's lounge to the cafeteria. And now the fire has gotten to the cafeteria. And now the rafters, the roof of the cafeteria is on fire. And this entire cafeteria is. Yes, exactly. You get an inspiration as well because that was something people said in my high school. Yay. Would you say that this fire has gone from the window to the walls?

Like this other dance song. I've never heard that song before. What? I'm joking. I'm joking. But you just had inspiration, so I'm not doing it again. So the fun. You were so funny. I know.

So the roof is on fire. And in three more turns, this cafeteria is going to burn down. I would like to say that I've been playing this character wrong. I am now going to cast Zephyr Strike. And that's the way I cast it by saying Zephyr Strike. Okay. What is that? Moves me like the wind.

My movement doesn't provoke opportunity attacks. We don't do that fucking bullshit on this podcast. Once before the spell ends, I can give myself advantage on one weapon attack roll. The attack deals an extra 1d8 force on a hit. And then whether or not I hit or miss, my walking speed goes up by 30 feet, so I'm just a little faster. Great. So you can definitely blink to him in that one move then. Yeah, same thing. I'm doing another one of these cool sword draw moves. So I did 17. That'll hit him. And I also forgot that I have, as a ranger...

a fighting style called dueling, which is I'm wielding a melee weapon in one hand and no other weapons. So I get a gain plus two bonus damage rolls. So I'm burning that thing that I just did for the advantage on the 17. So I'm going to hit it with a plus two and then a plus one D eight. Okay. So rule all that and tell me how much damage. Three plus two plus five, 10 damage. Describe what you do with your sword and I'll describe what happens to pepperoni Tony. So I go, this is going to require a more powerful jutsu. Okay.

Fuck, I really like Taylor. Fuck. This is, by the way, this is what's going to happen. So Taylor right now kind of has a voice like this. When his voice drops, he's going to sound a little bit more like an anime voice. Oh my God. What do you think, guys? I don't know.

But not yet. Not yet. You have that to look forward to. That's like, God, that's like being on a train and you know the tracks are out three miles down the road, but also the brakes are broken and there's nothing you can do. You can just fucking wait for the fucking pain to come. Try to hold your anticipation in, everybody. Oh, it's awful. Oh, I'm sorry.

Will is not a fan of this voice. Beth doesn't look like she's a fan of this voice. You'll find out from our listeners how much of a fan of the voice they are, and then that will either have no effect whatsoever or deeply convince you to keep doing it. All right, so yeah, so what happens is now when I do the sword, I unsheathe the sword entirely, and I do like a cool like...

spinny move thing, like a figure eight. And then as I'm doing that, there's like cool, like lines and wind and stuff and everything. I do the same move. I basically just run forward slash. And I, uh, you know, push forward on it. And like, I hold the pose of course, because you have to hold a pose.

That does hella damage, dude! All right. Once again, looks like I'm the one dealing damage for this crew. So the 10 points of damage that you do to him, you make the slash and nothing happens. Like, you've waved your sword a lot and then it's nothing.

And then you see a line. I'm unfazed, by the way. I'm unfazed. Of course, of course. You're not even looking at him. My life is my soul. No, just wait, just wait. Wait, scary. Keep watching. Scary, keep watching. Hold, hold, hold. Keep watching, scary. You see a line appear on his lips, a little red line that gets a little bit thicker. It starts to fill with a liquid, and then another line, and another line, and crisscross, crisscross, crisscross, crisscross. And much like that guy at the beginning of the first Resident Evil movie, the lips turn into just little cubes. They just...

down as you completely cut up his lips. He had exactly 10 HP left. You did enough damage to beat him. You've defeated him. And all that remains is the rest of Pepperoni Tony minus his lip. It just doesn't have lips now. He has two big bloody wounds where his lips used to be. Is Resident Evil the one with the scary dogs? Yes. I don't watch that because I don't like scary dogs. I don't like dogs being scary. No, that's totally fair. There's also, there are many other reasons not to watch the first Resident Evil movie, but.

He is now out of it. All you have to deal with is these two teenage girls and the teacher who have lipwormies on them. The other little lip cockroaches are like dead or something? Yeah, the kids have been stomping on them and stuff. They're still good. Yeah, there's, yeah, fuck it. The kids stomped them all except for those three because he only spent that action to use them. And then Taylor spins around, stands up straight and goes, call me Chapstick because I cut the shit out of those lips. That's kind of the opposite of what Chapstick does. Chapstick has a lot of fiberglass in it or something. I just know that you have to use bird's bees.

And no, seriously, look it up. Everyone says chapstick's bad for you. I don't want to know this. Is it not bad for you? Is it not bad for you? I've heard this. I'm addicted to it, so I, yeah, I just, yeah, I don't know. This is not stuff I wanted to know about. That one-liner was off the top of the dome, but it may not be factually correct. That was just doing my best. It is Link's turn now. Okay, so I mean, I guess I'll tack the lips on the teacher. Okay. I'll do an unarmed strike. I try to kick this teacher in the face.

Yeah, well, you know, yeah, I'm going to do a targeted kick. Oh, you got to do that kick like Guile does in Street Fighter. Does that full backflip? Yeah, no, I got three, though. That's not what Guile does. I kick her in the head instead of the lips. Yeah, you just kick her in the face. What teacher is it?

You were doing it for the teacher? Yeah. The English teacher. Yeah. We came up with a name earlier today, Beth and all of us, which was Nicholas Nipple Bust. Oh, yeah. Nicholas Nipple Bust, please. Okay, cool. So Mr. Nipple Bust takes some cleats to the side of his face, and it hurts him. He's not great. So the fire is still progressing down the roof. Windows, walls, et cetera. Yeah, it's down the windows to the walls to the sweat pores down. To the flames, drips down the walls. During this ball. Yeah.

The three lip-possessed people, they're still looking upward, and they say in these weird, shrieky, simultaneous voices, they go... And then the lips just wilt up like a dry leaf, just kind of like... They lose all their moisture, and they crinkle up, and they fall off of the people, and the people are essentially back to normal. Like, they've just...

killed themselves essentially not the people but the lips so now everyone is dead everyone's dead not dead sorry all the fight is over pepperoni's like what the fuck was that what was that oh that's terrible that was absolutely terrible are his lips still fucked up yeah so it all i mean but that's what it would sound like if you didn't use your lips when you talked anyway um but uh yeah so the only very careful to voice a non-lift yeah i know what i'm doing um but the only thing that remains is the big incursion pimple i've seen some videos on what to do with this i mean yeah well

Well, normally it seems like your thing, right? So you should. Yeah. You need to lance it before, like, you pop it. Yeah, we need to lance it. What about this knife? We should disinfect the knife first. Anybody got, like, a Clorox wipe or whatever? I think I can do something, but everyone's got to close their eyes and not look because it's, like, not a normal thing to do. DJ, DJ, turn the music back on, please. The DJ presses a button and, um... What is it? Outlawed dance?

The outlaw dance. The dance that we said they weren't allowed to do. Oh, the what not? The what not. He plays everybody what not. I go, teeny the teen here is about to do the what not. And then Lincoln starts blowing off his what not skills. So everybody will look at him instead of. You're defiling. Yeah, Pepperoni Tony sees it and goes, Pepperoni Tony hates it, which makes it normal. He's looking at you and the teeny the teen costume goes, normal, that is an attention. We do not want not here. Make a performance roll for the what not. Oh.

You stepped in the wrong fucking zone. I said, I get plus your own performance, but I got rolled a 19. So you're actually pretty good at the whatnot. Yeah. Everybody thinks that normal has had sex before. So the crowd's going crazy. Normal seeing the fucking link just basically outclass him.

in every part everyone's not doing the whatnot everyone is loving this view yeah they actually like uh uh he pulls down the sign that says no whatnot he's like

tearing it up using the two halves. So I did another 2d8 psychic damage. So I'm down to three health. Normal just staggers and then he just takes the knife from Scary. Well, I don't know if I'm letting you take it. Just let me do it. Just let me do it. Okay. Okay.

All right, here you go. And then Normal channels all of his frustration and failure and anger and resentment into one Herculean blow as he jumps up in the air and goes, and stabs the knife into the zip. Everything goes quiet.

And we zoom in on the fucking, the knife point as it gets closer and closer. And the second it makes the tiniest little pinprick, a fucking atom from the knife touches the top of this bulbous, tight, like putrescent, undulating head of a pimple. It pops and goes...

And the entire inside of this cafeteria gets coated in this white and gray substance. People are like pushed up against the wall. I want to say that Taylor was taking like a selfie and like pointing behind him to text to Erica being like, you missed out on the real cool thing. Yeah, and you can see the juice coming at you.

And yeah, it's like at the end of fucking Ghostbusters where everybody's covered in the Stay Profit Marshmallow Man. And yeah, it's dripping from the ceilings and stuff like that. But thankfully, that means it's actually put out the fire, all this juice. And so everyone's going, eh, screaming. They're screaming. It's so weird. They hate it and stuff like that. What is normal feeling right now? What's normal look like? Just numbness. Just complete emptiness. Then you barely even notice. Hermione the Unworthy puts his hand on your shoulder and he goes, well, normal. You popped a zit.

You got humiliated, and you didn't have fun at your first dance. That sounds pretty normal to me. Oh! Our days whisked away, but is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. You should tell myself it'll be a lie, so we sleep at night. That no one knows me better than myself.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today For tomorrow makes the day can't change We gotta pick ourselves up Not today, just sorrow Come back tomorrow

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlowe. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Taylor Swift. Theme song is On My Way by Maxton Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. We are supported by our Patreon, which you can find at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Who are some of the people who support us? It's funny that you ask.

People like Sydney Bloom, Cole White, Nathan Hughes, Ian McVicker, Manaconda, Colin Graves, The Bog Witch, X-Amy, X-Amy? Travis Ridgeway, Tess Aiden, Tabitha McDonald, Brian Jennewine, Kayla Lane Doolittle, Anna Banana,

I have no idea what that's going to be like, but...

If our other two mini campaigns are any indication, it'll be very funny. We also have a few new merch items on our merch store. Folks have been asking for patches, so we now have patches of our most popular designs, including a Scam Likely patch and a You Are Enough As You Are patch. We also have a great Season 1 tote bag, which features an incredible illustration full of the characters, dads, and NPCs of Season 1. Scary Marlowe fans, rejoice, as there's now a Scorpion slut shirt. And finally, there's a D20-looking bottle opener thing designed by me, yours truly.

All in all, some very cool and different stuff for you to look at. So check that out at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com where you can find all of our merch. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our Twitter, Dungeons and Dads. Our subreddit, Dungeons and Daddies. Our next episode is coming out Tuesday, April 19th. We will see you then. We gotta pick ourselves up and say Today, no, not today Before tomorrow makes me can't change And say, not today, no, not today Just sorrow, act tomorrow

Like, I didn't know what my principal's wife did. You didn't? Everyone did, right guys? I'm not falling for that!