S2 Ep. 53 - Urination (Friends Forever)
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Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Anime Ham. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kinds of stuff.

Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. This long, muscular tube runs from the epidermis into the pelvic cavity. So, in conclusion...

If you'll pardon the pun, there is a vast difference between cum and pee-pee, even though they both come out of your pee-pee. Jessica, I have repeatedly asked you not to call it cum. But yeah, let's all give a hand for Jessica's great presentation. Thank you. Normal's group here, they haven't been at school for like six months. So I guess I have no choice but to mark them all down for a zero. Oh!

We're here. We're here. We're here. We only got a couple of seconds. We're fighting Willy at the zoo. We gotta go. Okay. All right. We're ready. Oh, I brought you an apple, Teach. Where did you come from? It's a long story, but we're here for our presentation. Just take the apple. We only got a couple minutes.

We're taking a break from killing God in heaven to give our presentation. Norm, I'll take it away. You're the leader, bro. Here are some facts about piss, starting with Lincoln. Oh, I would just like you to know that the pee that comes out of everybody is the same no matter what it looks like down there. Pee is just another way that we're all the same despite our differences.

the universal liquid in all of our bodies. Thank you so much, Lincoln. Does anybody else have anything to add? Yeah, we're not done. That was just the first one, teacher. We got four great facts for you. Oh, God. And each one after that is going to be even better. Taylor, your turn. I have found through rigorous internal testing...

that my mind control over my Kegel muscles have allowed me to hold and extract urine at will at any point. I've been saving it up for about 30 straight days, only letting out a little bit as new stuff comes on top. You haven't peed in 30 days? No, I have. All the new piss comes in, and then a little bit of old piss comes out. So I've been holding my bladder in a state of fullness, proving that it is possible to have mind over piss control.

Thank you. With that in mind, it's fascist to make us ask for permission to go to the bathroom. We should be able to get up and go whenever we want, even if we don't want, because sometimes I pee when I don't want to. I'm like, it's busy. Yeah. Yeah. And speaking of mind over matter, I have learned that many things can affect your ability to retain urine. For example, did you know that when you see your mom die, you pee a little bit? That's all our time. We got to go. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. About four teens from our world sent back to our world to fix the mistakes. To kill the man who killed Normal's mom. And to kill God himself, who is Willie Stampler. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the...

Oh my, it's like the last episode. The tiefling. I changed it. I want to make sure I got it right for this. You changed it like half a year ago. I only remember tiefling, which is the least important part of it. That's the most important part. Hey, don't let a tiefling hear you say that. Oh, touchy-matchy. Uh,

Cut that out of the podcast. Shit. Hey, Esther, please, please, please, please. Please, please, please, please, please. Please have a family, please. I don't want to be the main character of tiefling Twitter. This week's Taylor teen fact. I should have been calling those from the beginning as Taylor takes to the skies, right? Pulling Immelman's inverse loops.

and getting an aerial recon of the battleground. You may be wondering, well, like, hold on. He's got a pork pie hat. How's that pork pie hat staying on? He staples it to his head like Indiana Jones. Wow. Wait, how does Indiana Jones staple to his head? Harrison Ford famously stapled the Indiana Jones hat

to his head. Wait, like for real? He put a staple to his head and stapled the hat to his head. Why did he just use like, did he not ask a woman? I don't know. That's the most man thing I've ever heard. It's like women have been wearing hats for thousands of years and there's many ways to attach them to your hair and your head. He's like, how do you do this? He's like, shut up. He just stapled it to his head. Bring me my Stanley. Get the grip guy to bring me a Stanley's

I've got 180 on liking him as a person. He stapled a hat to his head and then refused to do a fight scene and shot the guy with the sword and then he crashed his blade into a mountain. He's Harrison Ford. Okay, now here's the thing though. Just a woman walking out like, here's some bobby pins. Oh.

All right, I'm ready. I got it. Okay, but here's the thing. Freddie Wong wants to step in really quick and say, I doubt that story. I do too. There's literally video evidence of him doing it. Oh, really? Is there? Yeah. It's probably AI generated. Yeah, it's AI generated. I think Freddie doesn't believe anything. No, but hear me out. Hear me out. Hear me out. Because I think when we hear that, we think the staples puncture his scalp and wrap around the thing. I think it just wrapped around his hair.

At the roots. I don't think it actually punctured his scalp. Because there would be blood. Because there would be blood. Yeah, a little bit of blood. Not from a head wound. Yeah, but a fedora's made of felt, dude. The fedora would soak up the blood. So you have a bloody fedora. Yeah, that's like a bandage. I don't buy it. You don't buy it. But Taylor does do it. But Taylor does do it, and he goes all the way, baby. Is Taylor going to crash Rogue immediately the way Harrison Ford crashes every airplane he ever flew in?

No. Get off my dog. I'm going to move on. We really do not need to know whether or not this story is true or not. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled at home soccer kid who became the protective paladin of this group. I guess he didn't protect them too well because somebody just died on there and having trying to kill God. He didn't become the protective paladin of anyone's parents. Yeah, he didn't do anything. A little fact, maybe last fact. The protective paladin of your parents. So as we all know, this is kind of multi. This is a lot of facts are going to get all at once.

once. Wow. That's just dumping his reserve because this might be the last episode. No, it's really just one fact. You've just been greening this whole time. No, no. Now it's time to release. So obviously Lincoln's favorite book is the Garfield Fat Pack number three. It's the best of the Garfields. Oh my God. Hold on, hold on. Let me see my... I mean, that'd be issues. That'd be, you know, trades as they're called now. Four or five. I mean, seven, eight, nine. For those of you following along at home, this is the one where he's hugging... Fat Cat three pack? Garfield three pack? This is the one where he is hugging the pillow at the thing.

So then... Okay. Of his three books, Garfield sits around the house, Garfield tips the scales, and Garfield loses his feet, which is his favorite. Wait, Garfield loses his feet? Does he have diabetes? No, he just can't see his feet because of his big old tongue. Oh! That was dark. His feet get cut off because he has diabetes, Frank. We can't riff on this. This isn't the fact yet. That was just the lead up to the fact. All right, hit me with the fact. Then his least favorite thing in order to try to like... You can't say Garfield fat cat three pack and not expect us to riff on that.

Then Grant Wanda was trying to bond with Link and be like, oh, kids on the internet and looking at some memes. And he found Garfield without Garfield.

Which, for those of you who don't know, Garfield minus Garfield, which is just Garfield, they remove Garfield, and then John just looks like a sad, insane person. And Link started reading that, and it made him really sad, and that's actually the reason he decided to finally ask his dad to get out of homeschool. He was just watching John walk around. He saw Grant and Marco both occasionally just walking around alone, and he was like, I'm the Garfield that's not here. What is life without Garfield? Garfield's out there somewhere. I gotta go. So...

Did Luke find his Garfield on this adventure? I say he found three Garfields on this adventure. That's right. I'm not counting her. He fucked you all as three Garfields. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normally Lee Oaks, Swallows, Garcia, Marlo. Marlo, I keep saying Marlo. Marlo's in there. Marlo, Swiftly, the Unworthy. Real simple normal fact this week. Normal's going to kill Willie Stamper this episode. Oh, that's cool. It's going to happen. Babe Ruth calling his shot.

Sorry. I can see Beth's face is like, she just transports to another place for a moment after that. Whenever Lin-Manuel Miranda's voice gets stuck in my head, that's what happens. I just get a little silly. So I'm Beth May and I play Scary Marlboro.

Gothpunk Seeker of Darkness. Not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about Scary this episode. Because she's in this life or death battle, unfortunately, she's going to miss her creative writing final. So she sent a quick email to her teacher, Mr. Stacy, that says...

as follows. It's in verse, by the way, because she was specializing in poetry for her final. You can choose prose or poetry. She chose poetry. Dear Mr. Stacy, I cannot come to class today. I had the grim choice to save the world or save poetry. If you even care, I chose a world that never chose me. Go teens. Sincerely,

Scary Marlowe. Does every poem have to end with sincerely and then the name of the poem? Yeah, because that's going to be the theme of her chapbook is sincerely. Sincerely scary Marlowe. Sincerely scary Marlowe. I thought you meant all poems. No, actually, if you don't work your period and the date into the poem, you get an F, though. You didn't write your name at the top. That's not been relevant ever. Do you know what I mean? Because every legal document I've signed, they don't write it at the top. That's true, Freddie. Yeah.

You got them again, dude. It's at the bottom. The one that killed me was like only blue or black ink. It's like people don't care if you write in red ink. It's fine. It fucking doesn't matter. That used to be for copying, I think. Wow. The whole you have to use the color ink thing used to be like because you'd Xerox something. Oh, that's interesting. To have a colorblind man say he doesn't care if we use red ink. Not everybody's as strong as me. That's brave. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hi, dad. Hi, dad. My dad fact for this week is that maybe this won't be the last episode.

Oh, I'm just going to zag on you and say maybe we have one more after this one. But we're on like the one or two. We're definitely one or two. It definitely feels like we're rounding third. I think this will probably be the last one. I think it's edging this podcast. I'm doing it, baby. Also, like, then it could be a surprise when it ends. Like, if we knew it was the end, then we'd be building up to it. But like, now that we don't know. It's like the Walking Dead. There's a fucking master right there. That's a magician. The whole show is just going to cut off mid-sentence like the Sopranos. Oh, shit. That'd be good.

So when we last left you, the final battle was upon us. Willie Stampler had collected all of your parents and angry that you had managed to send dude back to their home realm, said that he is going to spend the rest of eternity torturing your parents. And if you try to stop him, he's going to start killing your parents. And to prove that he was serious, he killed Rebecca Swallows Oak Garcia. And your plan...

such as it was, was to fill the teeny the teen head with water and piss. Okay, wait, wait. Just to make us look a little better, it's mostly just water. One member of the party added a little dribble of piss. The team did not decide to fill it with water. We've heard the saying of like a plate of spaghetti with a little piece of shit on it and just play with shit.

By the way, I hate to break it to you, Matt. Piss is, in fact, mostly water. Sure. You know what I mean? What you described, a container full of water and a little piss, that's also the same as a container full of piss. It was Taylor's way. You've never been in the Atlantic Ocean. You've been in a container of water with a little piss in it. Wow. Taylor's... I remember I saw one episode of the... It ended up being very bad, Masters of Air. You know, it's like...

Glad we're coming for Masters of Air. Yeah. You just get a quick cutaway. Austin Butler was about to do an episode of the podcast and now he's out. Austin Butler couldn't come because he's still in the air. He can't get out of the air. He won't get down. And he's still doing Elvis voice up there. He's still doing Elvis voice in the air. Oh no, his plane still hasn't landed. He hasn't seen all the tweets yet.

I was just saying, you know, they, you know, they roll old messages on bombs being like, hello to Hitler.

You know? Yes. Yes. I'm just saying that like, wouldn't have been more effective. Oh, did we write something on the side of the teeny, the teen head? Like I'm saying Taylor wrote something with the fucking liquid coming out of his penis. Okay. Well, I guess we'll never know what that was. This machine pees on fascists.

So yeah, your plan was to get the teen of the teen head, which is sort of one way enclosed like a sparklets water jug onto his head and then take the throne of God. You just saw him kill Rebecca. He snapped her into nothingness by using a disintegrate spell. Now, what are you going to do? Normal's going to attack. Okay. Normal's going in. Oh no.

Normal's rolling initiative. I feel like from up top you hear like, this is Javelin 1 coming at you from the... Wait, Normal, what are you doing? Yeah, Normal is enraged and Normal is going to kill Willy Stampler. Okay, okay. Wait, we gotta stick to the plan. Normal says nothing. He just screams in rage and charges. Okay. I'll give you a stealth round on it. That's cool.

I got a natural 20, by the way. Okay, great. Are we rolling initiative, Anthony? Let's say yeah, why not? Will brought enough initiative for the whole class. All right, rolling initiative. Anthony, 16 plus 4. 19. Javelin 1 is rocking 20 initiative. That's 2-0 initiative coming from the sky. Whoa, I got 22. Jesus. I got 19. That's 20 as well? Yeah. I believe that his name should be Rogue One if we're going to do it. Rogue One. Yeah, I like it. Rogue One. Rogue One from the sky.

They're going, that's like that Star Wars movie is not my favorite. I prefer not to reference it on this podcast. No, I was trying to think of a way of making fun of Taylor saying he's the worst member of the team and Rogue One's the worst movie of Star Wars, but I couldn't quite get something funny. But now you all know I don't like the movie and I don't like Freddy.

Just so everybody remembers, Willie has one. HP? Oh, sick. Fucking sick. Willie has one legendary resistance left. So whenever he wants to, he can just say, no, that didn't happen. And we don't know how he killed Rebecca. I'll say that you could tell that he used disintegrate. Okay. So that's a spell. He snapped his fingers. A big green laser came out of his fingers, just like the way that he killed Doug back in season one. Okay, there we go. Well, we weren't there, but yeah, okay. And then that's a spell. So that was every action theoretically he could disintegrate.

Now, just for me not being D&D pro, despite the fact that I'm a D&D pro, does disintegrate like instant kill or is it like an HP thing? It's an HP thing. But it still may instantly kill one of us. It could kill one of you. The main thing about disintegrate is that if it reduces your hit points to zero, you don't go into death saves. Your body gets disintegrated. So that's how much damage disintegrate does. You can. I don't think I should tell you. Okay.

Because he's God, I'm giving him a lot more spell slots. Okay. A little bit more even. I figure God doesn't have spell slots. Yeah. Though that would explain why he's lacking on miracles lately. God ran out of spell slots. Just give him a rest. Wow. Wow. That's what Sunday's for. That's his short rest to recover his spell slots. God.

Okay. So normal, you run straight at Willie. How many rounds till I get to Willie? I'm going to say if you dash, you'll get to him in one round. Okay. If you run normally, you will be normally, huh? You will not be within striking distance. He is on the throne of God, surrounded by 10 angels that are floating around him. If you sprint past the angels, you will take opportunity attacks from at least three of them. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Can I ask something? Yeah. Um, I,

I don't know how this works mechanic wise, but I feel like seeing Rebecca die and now having seen multiple parents die or get injured in some way, I feel like he's sensed normal. Like he's definitely not going to try to stop normal. I think he knows that normal is just going to go as a reaction or like a bonus before that. Can I just like put my hand on normal as he runs away from me so I can,

protect him from good and evil? No, I think normal's emotions have gotten the best of him and he's probably not going to wait for you to do that. Well, he wouldn't wait for me. I was saying, can I say like I roll something to be like, I saw his fist clench and I knew he's about to sprint away. Give me your dexterity roll. See if you can slap him quick enough. See,

16 means, okay, yeah. I say, go forth, my brother. And I touch him. So, protection from good and evil, I cast on normal as he's running. So, all this means is that certain types of creatures, these are aberrations, celestials, elementals, fae, friends, undead. I mean, the idea is that I feel like Willie Stample would definitely be like a fiend or an undead. Yeah, let's go with fiend. He's an angel, angelic, whatever. Angelic, cool.

The main thing is that disadvantage attacks against the target, and the target also can't be charmed, frightened, or possessed by them. All right, I'm going to cast Blindness Deafness on how many angels are surrounding him? Ten. Ten. Okay, well, I can't blind all of them, so I'm going to just target Willy. Okay. So it's a constitution saving throw of 16. He gets a 13. So he is blinded and deafened? He is either blinded or deafened. Does he get to choose, or do you choose?

I choose. Did he look at Rebecca before he killed her? Yes. Let me check to make absolutely sure that holy shit. Are we cross referencing the tomes dog consult the tomes just once in my life? I want to consult a tome on something. So I always get this wrong. Visual is V. It's not verbal, right? Or it is verbal. V is verbal. Okay. In that case, he doesn't have to look at her to do it. He doesn't have to look at her.

Yeah, according to the components here. I'm still going to blind him. All right, cool. Sorry, really quick, just to clarify. Disagreed, definitely. Yes, the components are verbal, but it says a target you can see within range. Okay, there we go. Aha! Thanks, Gary. He automatically fails any ability check that requires sight. Okay. And attack rolls against him have advantage, and his attack rolls have disadvantage. Woo!

How long does that last? For one minute. But he can do a saving throw. Immediately, his eyes go completely blank white. Oh, just like Madam Web at the end of Madam Web. He goes full on Madam Web. Spoilers for Madam Web, guys. Oh, no, he can see the future now. Well, let's be considerate of everybody who will see Madam Web, who hasn't seen Madam Web yet. So he goes, fuck, and immediately points in normal direction, goes, kill him. Kill him first.

And now it is Scary's turn. Fuck, I got rid of that math suggestion spell that worked so well before.

What creature is the closest to normal? There are three angels flanking normal right now. One's in front of him and above him. One's to the left of him. One's to the right of him. Beth, you asked that like a riddle giver. What creature? What man out of a beast be flanking my friend? The answer is man. That's the closest to normal because that's what we perceive. Like humans are the most normal to us. Yeah, good point.

Dang. I'm going to cast charm person on the angel that's above normal. And I say, this guy just took a long rest, just like Jesus. Yeah.

And so he has to roll, I'm presuming, some sort of wisdom saving throw. Yeah, it's a wisdom 15. Natural one. So one of the angels is now charmed to you. It will not harm you nor normal. Is that your turn? Are you going to move closer to Willie? I'm going to move closer to Norm. So you are now right up against Norm's butt. There is a angel on either side of you. Okay. It is now Taylor's turn. Okay, let's see. I'm up in the air. I'm riding Rogue One.

I have this jar of piss along with me. Hey, boy. Good boy. How distracted is Willie right now?

I would say he's medium distracted. He can't see shit, but he knows that you all are coming for him. His detention is certainly focused on normal and scary. If I did like a low swoop and tried to like dunk the piss thing on his head. You could probably get away with that. Now, would I get any advantages on that? I would say that he's probably thrashing around, freak it out. So I'll give you a plus three to the role. And that would be what? Acrobatics? Athletics? What would the role be, you think?

acrobatics. Okay, cool. Because it's taking dexterity to toss that shit onto his head properly. Okay, so in that case, I'm going to go rogue.

I clench my thighs really hard around Rogue, so I'm holding place. Invert, maneuver. And then Rogue does a... I say, Rogue, roll over, boy. Oh, yeah, there you go. Oh, yeah, that too. And Rogue 180. So now I'm hanging upside down. My powerful thighs are holding me in place. And we're dive bombing towards Willie. I'm going to try and slam the head. Wow, we're going right in. The piss head onto Willie's head. Give me a roll.

Nine plus 12, 21. Okay, that'll do it. Plus 3, 24. Jesus Christ. Okay, so the head goes easily onto Willie Stampler's head. Drink piss, motherfuckers!

And suddenly he is now submerged in piss. And so he's going to have disadvantage on literally everything he does because he is in his least favorite position in the world, which is being underwater. He is still on the throne of God. He has not moved yet, but he's in a really bad spot. Oh, shit. It is now Willie's turn. Willie is going to try to hurriedly take off the helmet as quickly as he can. Now, is there anything that we did to kind of make sure that there was a good suction seal on it?

We used a lot of glue gun on it. Yeah. A lot of glue. A lot of hot glue. So he is going to try to wrench it off of his head. He gets an eight, which is not going to be enough. So it is still on his head. He is going to make it slippery. He is now going to cast wall of fire around himself. I don't think we need to play jazz ball for this because I've already proven. It doesn't sound like wall of fire. You know what? Actually,

It says it needs a verbal component to this. And he's underwater. You can talk underwater. Matt, shut the fuck up! I'm just saying. What are you doing? Matt convinced me. Matt convinced me. God damn it! Wall of fire. That just did it. So he surrounds himself with a wall up to 60 feet long, 20 feet high, and one foot thick. Surrounding... Sorry.

I'm sorry. Surrounding the throne of God. This is a family podcast. It is surrounding the throne of God, and he is now completely encircled by flames, and he is now going to make a saving throw for his blindness, and he passes. Yeah, but ain't nothing to see in there. Oh, dude. Now he can see the piss. But what is the psychological damage of being like, I have cured my blindness with a spell, and then he opens his eyes, and it's still dark.

Right? Because there's no light coming in. Well, no, I guess there's a light from the teen to teen eyes. Oh, yeah. But it's all like weird and blurry, dude. Sure. I mean, he's not he's not in a great space. If that's what you want to know. Like, he's not feeling amazing. Link, it is your turn. OK, so just to clarify where we're all at. Yeah, there are angels around Willie. Willie now has this thing on his head. And we're just trying to kill Willie at this point, right? Yeah. We're trying to take the throne of God. What's the status of the parents? Are they being tortured still or now?

They're still being tortured. They are wracked with pain, unable to do anything other than convulse on the ground and scream in torment. Okay. Link is going to see all of his friends in danger, Willie there, and he's going to use his fourth level conjuration and cast Guardian of Faith.

And a giant large spectral guardian appears that hovers for the duration in an unoccupied space of your choice that you can see within range. So I'm essentially casting this massive creature that is glimmering. You can't quite understand and see what it is, but it has a sword and a shield. And any creature hostile to them moves within 10 feet of it for the first time on its turn must do a dexterity saving throw or they take 20 damage.

The guardian vanishes when it has dealt a total of 60 damage. What if it's like the spectral figure of like the real teeny, the teen? That's what I was thinking was that was a big teeny. Oh my God.

In order to support Will. So yes, that is what you see. You see this glimmering shadow with holding a sword and a shield. And as it slowly comes into focus, its big head starts, appears. And you realize it is like a 30 foot tall Teeny the Teen. And you were plopping this where approximately? Between Willy and the parents. So between Willy and the parents is also between Willy, Normal, and Scary. And they're sort of the rest of you. So imagine like it's you, then Normal and Scary, and two angels.

Then eight more angels, one of which is charmed.

And then your guardian to team you the team, then a wall of fire. And on the inside of the wall of fire is Willie and the throne of God. Great. And then I'm going to use my movement to just sprint over to Grant and Marco. And I guess I can do anything else action wise by just running. You can get free action if you want to say something. Is there free action to like check like Arcana or anything like that? Yeah, sure. Yeah. So I'm going to run over to them like, Dad, Dad, Dad, are you OK? They're just too busy. They're gritting their teeth. They're clenching their teeth. I just want to roll Arcana if I can get a sense of like if there's anything like that.

Natural 20. Natural 20. Like, you know, are they attached to any magic chains? Well, all the good rolls coming out the play. Finally, saved him for the end. So you can tell that he is modified using his godlike power as a harm spell that is constantly tormenting them. So harm is a spell that can never take you below one HP, can never actually kill you, but it racks your body with intense, intense pain. And so all the parents are currently undergoing an ongoing concentration harm spell. Is he concentrating on it? Yeah, but he's God. Okay.

Okay, so he can concentrate on more than one thing. So I guess if I might ask with my natural 20, the real question I want is like, is there any way to stop the spell other than kill Willy? It doesn't seem like it. Okay, there we go. That's all we need to know. Now it's the angel's turn. Dude, his calves flex. Yeah, dude. There's nine angels that are actually active. So I'm going to roll my dice nine times and then tell you what happens. That's a lot of angels. So seven of the angels managed to make what I would presume to be successful attacks. Three of them are going to go for normal attacks.

Three of them are going to go for scary. So just to be one is going to go for. Yeah. So any attack on normal has disadvantage because he has protection from good and evil. Okay. Normal. What's your AC? It says 12. I don't know if that's with my armor. I'm 12 too. Yeah. If you're magic cast that you didn't have low AC. So unfortunately they rolled really well, even with their disadvantage. So three of them are going to grab norm with their eyelashes. Yeah.

One of them is going to start pulling normal into its eye. And I'm going to say with the other two, it just happens. So you are pulled into the eye. Give me a constitution saving throw. Constitution saving throw. Okay. That's a natural one. All right. So you're going to take 5d10 damage. Oh, mama mia. Okay. Don't worry. There's a chance it could just be five damage. So you feel the nothingness inside the eye of the angel begin to decay you and erode you from within. That's 24 damage. Not too bad.

Okay. Am I trapped in the eyeball now? Currently, you're in the eyeball. Yeah. If you want to do anything, you have to get out of the eyeball. Okay. We rested before this battle, right? Yes. We're a four. Yeah. We twizzled. We twizzled. Now, three of them are going to do the same thing to Scary. So, Scary, go ahead and give me a constitution saving throw. Six. All right. So, you're going to take 5d10 damage as well. Okay. Don't worry, Beth. It could just be five damage. 35. The last remaining angel is going to attack Link, and it gets a natural 20. Okay.

So you get slurped up into its eyeball pretty much instantly. And go ahead and again, give me a constitution saving throw with disadvantage. Is it crit? Because it's based around constitution saving throw rather than like doing direct damage. I'm going to say. Okay, well, let's wait for my second roll. My first roll is a three.

I didn't do worse than a three. So I got three. Okay. So take 5d 10 damage. And Taylor goes, fleet does the flying mobile infantry does the dying. Am I right? He says that to himself. Yeah. To himself. The one who's flying. You don't think this pilot is a starship troopers. They're like, Hey, got a good deal. Well,

Like you, you look down, there's bugs everywhere. Taylor's saying the same thing. Just usually that's something that I think the grunts on the ground are griping. Not the guys in the fly. They're not that smug. No, they say it differently. You know, those helicopter pilots in the NAMM, they'd always look at me like, ah, fucking idiots. Yeah. Hell yeah, we up here. You,

You and me, Rogue. We're doing the flying. So this is where I'm sucked up into an angel. Am I sucked up into an angel? Yes, all three of you are. All three of us got sucked up into an angel. All three? All three of you. They rolled really well. Did my guardian swing at any of them? Did any of the angels? They're going to end their turn and then they will get swung at. Nice. What's your damage you took? Oh, I took 26. 26 damage. Okay. Taylor checking in. Full health still. Right. So it is a dexterity saving throw, you said? Dexterity saving throw.

Okay. So one of them is going to pass. Pass is just half damage. So they either get 20 damage or 10 damage. Okay. That's radiant damage if that matters. It does not. Are they bloodied? Again, it's not a thing in D&D 5e. Do they look hurt? Yeah, they do. Yeah.

Yeah. Do they maybe have blood on them as a result of being hurt? Teenie's fucking them up. Yeah. Teenie's swinging around its sword. But it's like, it's really hard. Yeah. He's got a sword and a shield. It's a spectral guardian. He's got a sword and a shield. And the shield probably has like teen high. Actually, the shield has a coat of arms that, you know, a lot of coat of arms have like those four sections. It's each of us. And we're all like putting our fists into the center. What's your symbol on the coat of arms? I mean, it's just Link. It's holding a soccer ball. Oh, it's you. Yeah.

You know, most of the time, coat of arms don't. Yeah, but it's my coat of arms. So it's you. And then normal is also with teeny the teen heads. It's like teens holding it. Oh, so recursion because it's normal with the shield. Yeah. And then like on that shield, it just hit it like it. If you look at it for too long, you take psychic damage because it just keeps going. And then scary. It looks all cool and moody. And she has got a poetry book that she's writing in, but the poetry book has a soccer sticker

Taylor looks like a fucking anime star with his sword and he's doing the backwards like he's looking back at it. Oh, dude, the versus pose? On either side of him are silhouettes of just two of the hottest looking anime. What's that one? Go on, Matt. Oh, I was going to say a babe and a dude. Like two, just a hot babe to the left and a hot dude to the right. What do you think I was going to say? I don't know. I thought you were going to say something like

Just the hottest anime girls ever with titties out, big bazonkas. That's what I was going to say. The number of times Matt has said titties on this podcast. What's that one silhouette like soccer brand where it's just like two ladies? What? Am I hallucinating something? I'll get back to you. Hold on. Keep going, everyone. Actually, no. Taylor is just asleep in a bed holding a body pillow. Kappa. Taylor's crest is just darkness. It's just dark. Kappa. The logo of Kappa.

So Mercedes is going to see three children get slurped up by these eyes. And Mercedes is going to run forward and try to grab normal and pull him out. So she's going to reach inside with her arm and try to root around and see if she can grab normal's arm. A rebirthing of sorts. Wow. Of sorts. Of sorts.

So she gets a six. I mean, she's not normal's mom. I know. She got a six? She got a six. Okay. So she's going to root around in there and find nothing, unfortunately. Pulls another kid out? He's like, who the fuck are you? Oh, I forgot. We also have Chugs Macrame is around. Oh my God, that's right. We forgot about Chugs. Yeah, but he's just crunching the numbers. He's like, well, that's zero kids on the battlefield. Yeah. Chugs is actually giving everyone their damage points. They're like, yes, you've taken 32 damage. I did not even know

even known what that's me meant until just now yeah chugs has a big old scoreboard like i do and it's just writing down how much damage everybody's taken going i believe in you guys you still have a lot of action economy over this dude

Hermie is going to look around and go, oh, God. Oh, geez, Louise. What do I do? Get it together, man. OK, what do I do? What do you want me to do? Oh, does he still look like Willie Stampler? He does. You should start ordering those angels around. Try to confuse those angels. Yeah, he can try, but he's not on the throne of God. So we'll see how well he does. That one angel I cast Charmed Person on should be more amenable to being yelled at. That's true. OK, so he'll target your Charmed Angel.

And they go, hey, dickless. Hey, you piece of shit. Hey, you motherfucker. Dang, really going after the angels is like one sore spot. That's true. I have no dick. I'm a celestial being. The only mother I have is faith.

You drag Willie Stampler out of that fucking fire, motherfucker. Wait, no, shit. He's like, wait, you're Willie Stampler. You're, but okay. And the angel comes and grabs Hermie by the arm and goes, no!

No, no, no, no, no. And starts dragging him towards the fire. He's like, I guess you want to be on the other side of this fire, huh? And starts dragging Hermie toward the fire. Wait, but that means Hermie could get on the throne. That's true. Yeah, Hermie's going to the other side. We could use this to our advantage. Poor Hermie can't go 10 seconds without getting burned by something. Oh, God. It really should be more Two-Face, let's joke her. Yeah. So it's Chug's macrame's turn. He's just going, uh...

You can count on me. Roll, Andy, roll for it, please. Roll something. He rolled a natural one. What do you want him to have failed to do? Oh, dude, he's not fucking deducting for taxes. He's not depreciating our damage for amortization over the next seven years. With a natural one, he looks at it as a counting and he realizes... He wrote a letter, not a number. Oh, no. He's looking at it as a counting and he realizes he didn't carry a one somewhere. He's like, 10 pages. He goes, oh, no. Oh, no.

Better call in the forensic accountant, Ben Affleck, from the movie The Accountant.

You ever see that one? I saw that one. Man, that was a wild movie. I don't think he's a, is he really an accountant or is that like, is he a accountant? He's a forensic accountant who can like look at numbers and know where it's wrong and he can shoot a gun. It's like that. I don't know, guys. All right, we are back up to the top of initial normal. It's normal's turn. All right, normal wants to do something a little silly. I want to see if normal is currently within the cozy confines of an angel's eye. Oh, think demonic thoughts. Here's what I'm thinking. Normal's parents are out of the house now, so it's going to be a little silly. Nothing.

I have a spell called magic circle. Okay. You create a 10 foot radius, 20 foot tall cylinder of magical energy, glowing runes intersect with the floor or other surface. Choose one or more of the following types of creatures, celestials, elementals, fae fiends, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The creature can't willingly enter the circle by non-magical means. If the creature tries to use teleportation or interplay, it makes blah, blah,

So here's my thing. It's basically like an angel banisher, right? If I'm inside an angel when I cast Magic Circle, what happens to the angel? I think it stays where it is because it can't enter or exit, which would mean it defaults to just like not moving. So I think it froze into place. He's not going to boing, boing, boing.

He's not going to like yeet you out of his body. Is that what you're hoping? No, what I was hoping is that like, it's a barrier, right? So it's like, I was hoping for like an ant man goes up Thanos's butt and gets big scenario. Like that the circle expands from me. And now basically it has swallowed a 10 foot wide circle, which is bigger than it. And then it can't go in that circle. So it explodes. That was what I was hoping to do. Ooh,

That sounds cool, so I say yes. Okay, well then, that's what I do. So I cast Magic Circle on the inside of the Celestial. Okay. It does have a saving throw. Wait, actually, I guess a saving throw is 16, but it's just a thing I do. Well, it didn't get a 16 either way with the saving throw. Okay, all right. I'm going to go ahead and cast that. Right, so the Magic Circle expands and expands and expands, and you can see...

I guess only Mercedes can see this angel swelling around its midsection until it pops and purple juice goes everywhere. And suddenly normal is just standing there covered in angel goo. Okay. So I land and I can still move, right? Yeah. You got to move. How far am I from Willie? You are a full move from Willie. Okay. He's got fire around him and he does have fire surrounding him. Also normal is like super like wet with angel goo. So that's true. We got to get this boy.

No, my point is like, yeah, you could like run through it. Does that help? Oh, it has a fire retardant possibilities. Or it says angel goose. It's the most flammable substance. Angel goose is the most flammable.

So it's 9d8 when you enter. And then if you end your turn within there, it's another 9d8. If I'm stuck in the wall or past the wall? If you're stuck in the wall. Okay. So can I get through the wall? Oh, wait. Okay. Sorry. Let me read this aloud. One side of the wall deals 5d8 fire damage to each creature that ends its turn within 10 feet of that side or inside the wall. I'm going to say that the inside wall is the attacky wall.

One of these walls is going to actually do active damage to you if you're 10 feet near it. And that's the wall on the inside that is near Willie's standpoint. Willie's in the middle of it and not within 10 feet of any of those sides. But basically, you're gonna have to take two moves to get through the fire or a dash on it. You know, I can't dash right now, which can't. So I could get up to the edge of the fire this turn. Yes. OK, I'm going to do that. OK, I'm going to go up as close as I can without getting burnt. OK, great. And is angel juice like water where it stops fire or is it flammable? There's only one way to find out, I guess.

okay we can roll yeah we'll roll when when you enter the fire we'll see what happens like touch your finger to the fire to like see how it goes flick a little angel goo at it yeah i feel like you do that as a free action you want to do a little flick a little angel goo at it all right one through ten it is the most flammable substance known to man it is gasoline 11 through 20 it is not flammable 11 so you are covered in gasoline right no you're not covered in gasoline you're safe you're good

It is just like jello. It's just wet and sticky, and it's not a big deal. Is it going to help me absorb damage when I jump through? No. Oh. You only got an 11. If you got a 19 or a 20, then yes. Fair enough, fair enough, fair enough, fair enough. It's fair. It's not very much. I think that's fair. All right, it is Scary's turn. Scary, you are also within the eye of an angel. I'm going to cast. The eyes of an angel. Oh, yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna cast Vampiric Touch. I'm gonna roll for this bad boy. So I got a 20. So the touch of your shadow-wreathed hand can siphon life force from others to heal your wounds. Make a melee spell attack against a creature within your reach. On a hit, the target takes 3d6 necrotic damage and you regain hit points equal to half the amount of necrotic damage dealt. The

This damage increases by 1d6 for each slot level above the third. So on my sheet, it says 5d6. Okay. So I'm going to roll that. Do it. 16. Okay. So I get eight health points back. Mm-hmm. Hit points. Kill me. Kill me gently. With his words? Yes. What does that do to the angel I am inside? So the angel you are inside shrivels up like a grape left in the sun. What happens to a dream deferred, you know? Bro. Bro.

My Hughes homies. He signed it at the bottom too. Sincerely. You see the aperture of its pupil beginning to close as it shrivels up and dies. And so you have a move to try to dive out of there before it shields up entirely with you inside of it. Okay. So what should I roll to dive? Acrobatics. I'm going to do that. Fuck. 10. Okay. So with the 10, you're half in half out like Winnie the Pooh. Oh,

Which side is outside? Would she jump butt first? I'm just checking. I would assume it's Scary's head and arms and stuff.

A rebirthing of sorts. Stop saying that. Hey, I'm reborn, so that's kind of like a long rest, right? So the angel, his body deflates around your lower half and it falls to the ground. Oh, so floating, she'd look like Lakitu up there. Like an upside down Lakitu. Falls to the ground and you are stuck within its angelic muck. Ugh.

I hate that. Taylor, it is your turn. All right. Taylor playing a different video game entirely. All right. So Taylor flying over the battlefields, making the assessment. How many angels left? There are all of them. No, it's just you. Yeah. Exploded one. So there's nine, right? There's seven that are actively trying to harm you. And there's one that is charmed. And

And pulling Hermie towards the fire. But then a normal killed one. Normal killed one and scary just killed one. The only person who's like completely still inside of an angel is Link, I guess. And real quick, who are we trying to get on the throne? I don't think you care. Anybody. Anybody can get on the throne. I mean, yeah. Wait, what was the plan actually? Was it Hermie? It was scary. We were saying get scary on the throne. I mean, yeah, the plan was like put thing on Willy's head, question mark, question mark, question mark, profit. Like was going to happen. So we've achieved most of the plan. Guys, we're doing so well.

Yeah, because we think somebody needs to be on the throne to probably kill God. So I think, I'm going to say a pretty wild string of words here, so just hear me out. Okay. I would like Rogue to unload a pouch of piss. You know, like those firefighting airplanes? Yes. Like that, onto the wall of flame. Oh, I love that. Scary says, Rogue, go outside?

Let's roll to see how good his bladder is right now. Well, but here's the thing, right? Like, is it about control or is it about volume? Well, it's like how full or his body is my thinking. I think it's pretty full because we take care of our dogs. I'm going to roll from one to 20. And just depending on what number we get, that's how full his bladder is.

Okay. 11. So pretty good. Halfway full. Halfway full. So the piss comes down and we'll have him targeted as well. And he got another 11. Can Taylor help aim? Oh, no. He is my five.

It's like in the show Masters of Air when someone has to go under the belly of the plane. You know what I'm saying? I think it was like in Call of Duty when he switched from the big gun to the mini gun in the C-130 and he got to like fucking run that line. Taylor's sitting there like looking at the thing and there's like the bomb computer, you know? Okay, so you managed to grab the member and spray it down. Can I do something that's not on my turn that's not a spell or anything like that? If it's cool. Okay. Scary horse.

holds out her hand but it's like closed so it looks like maybe there's a tree inside and Rogue might start salivating because of it. So you're saying Rogue is pissing and salivating on top of the thing. I don't know why I said salivating like a scientist. Can I roll animal handling to help aim? Sure.

Wait, can we get- You're quite literally animal handling. Can we get Chugs McGee, or what's his name? Chugs Macrame. Why did he do it? Did Chugs Macrame calculate the fucking aim Coriolis effect ratio to first? It doesn't matter. That's why you don't keep selling what he gave it to you, Freddie. What did you roll? I rolled a natural one. So you just get pissed all over you? I don't feel it.

All the piss just hits you square in the fucking face. Does he have to roll to hold onto Rogue? Yeah, roll to hold onto Rogue. He had a good bladder. Whatever. I don't even care. We really missed the opportunity to have someone hold up two flares like in The Rock to target the piss. Let me just check one thing. What's my proficiency level?

So I'm gonna guess that you were falling from that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Your fingers slip from the wet fur underneath Rogue, and you plummet downward. Gandalf style. Yeah, like it cuts. Dude, it cuts, and it's like such a wide shot, and the whole theater's like quiet. Like, wow, that's a wide shot. That's the widest shot I've ever seen in a movie. Gandalf falling with a Balrog is just Gandalf, and he just dropped off, and he's covered in piss. Just him dropping. All right, let me look up falling damage. We can see how much damage you're going to take. What the hell?

In heaven, dog. Well, yeah, he's got to take, we've got some time to try to like save him. And I've done like 12 blade poses in the entire show. So like, come on. How far do you fall? Remember the turn is six seconds. So how far is six seconds? How far do you fall? Yeah. That's a good question. How far can you fall in six seconds from a zero? You fall a rate of 500 feet per round. So that's enough to fall down pretty badly. 500 feet. Oh, that's, you fell down pretty bad.

pretty badly. All right. So you take the max damage. You're going to take 20 D6 of damage. Let me ask. Let me ask. Let me ask. Let me ask. As I'm falling, as I'm falling, is there any world where I can try and like Karam off of an angel? It's not like the airspace is clear, Anthony. It's like there's stuff in the air. Give me a straight D20 roll. We'll see if something happens. You rolled a natural. Just see if I can mitigate.

14. Okay, so the 14, nothing happens. If you said 15 or higher, you would have bounced off of one of the angels and at least done some damage to it. But no, you just piss scream all the way down. Now, where does he land in the battlefield? So you were trying to piss on the fire. Oh, God. Can I try to help him a tiny bit? Can I just give one suggestion, please? Please delete me.

say a little bit of big guardian teeny the teen like try to do something no like wait he sees a threat coming in and attack no he sees now he's done he looks at the shit goes oh and he sees the guy in the body pillow and he looks up he sees the same guy fall he goes hmm he's like that must be my friend i believe your guardian is powerful enough as it is without the ability to pluck people out of the air like the iron giant

Father said I couldn't play D&D. All right, so how much damage do I take? You take 20d6. 20d6? Could just be 20 hitch points. Does he land in the fire? Yes. 20d6?

Yeah, you're gonna take 20d6 from falling and then you're gonna take an additional... Oh my god. Anthony, come on. Have a heart, my man. Additional what? I'm looking it up, my dude. 20d6? 10d8. 10d8 for falling into the fire. 30 dice? Yeah.

What's right how much HP do you have I'm 107 are so I'm losing design I've loaded up I've 10 da and 20 d6 to everyone. I'm now clicking roll on this fucking website DDB I can suck. Oh my god. My computer's chugging for the amount of time it showed up on screen 118 damage So you hit the ground

I'm going to go ahead and say no. I mean, you didn't put out the fire. I'm not going to lie. Does the being covered in piss mitigate any of the fire damage? No. I don't think it does. This is like gasoline. I think if he were capable of just running through at speed, yes. But I think because he's falling directly into it and landing it, I'm going to say no. So that's all his health. So he's in death saves. So you are now in death saves and in fire.

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Let's say just really quick. It's a good learning moment here, which is we do sometimes forget that as we keep asking Anthony for more things, we roll dice that we could roll badly. And sometimes we roll them and know when to fold them. Sometimes when we get a mediocre result, we just go with it. It's important to remember that not all things that happen are good things. You have to know when to hold them. Know when to fold them.

If he does die, by the way. What a way to go. Why be the chosen one and just get covered in this and fall into your death and fire having done literally nothing. I mean, what the hell did I do? I got my one objective. My primary objective. What did you do? You little fucker. You little fucker.

Now, how close am I to Willie, though? So you are now basically a single move away from Willie if you could get conscious. If you could move. Yeah. Were every bone in your body not broken, you would probably be fine. Thankfully, Willie's vision is based on movement. Why did I just roll something? I didn't mean to do that. You were rolling to see how funny that joke was and you got a natural one.

Will. That's brutal. Will. We're on the same team. Look at my eyes. Beth looks hurt. Beth looks. How could you? How could you say that? Wow. You know, we all take. I just also shook. You know what? No, Beth, it's fair. No, don't interrupt me. We all take shots on this podcast.

You know, and sometimes you got to know when to fold them and know when to hold them. And that maybe was a little miss for me, but that doesn't mean that I am not a human being. Damn dog. Beth, I just want to say.

I'm sorry. I respect you. Oh, no. Obama wills out. Let me be clear. I think you're very funny. I think you're a good member of the podcast. Whatever. Let's move on. God damn it. The next thing is going to be another YouTube apology. All right. It's Willie's turn. Willie is going to try to wrench the head off of his head. He gets a 16. A lot of people wrenching the head off their head, though. Who up wrenching the head off their head? All right.

So he manages to goon his head off and he's going to throw it onto the fucking ground and go, and he's like kind of crying through the shock of what just happened to him. Trying to wrench the head off of him was his turn and he's not going to move. So he's going to just kill, kill him, kill him. Fuck, fuck. Oh, kill them? Does your baby want us to kill them? Is that what happened? I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the angels.

Link, it is your turn. Okay, so I'm inside this angel. Uh-huh. Because I had the benefit of being third, so I was listening to all the cool ways that you guys got out of your angels. Unfortunately, I don't have any of those cool ways. You get them feet, you kick. Huh? You fucking punch them. You're inside. Their eye is open right now, so you can try to make a dexterity saving throw to get out or strength check to wrench the eye open more. Okay, I'm going to try to wrench the eye open. Oh, you go through the iris, right? You go through the pupil. Ooh, okay. Yeah, I'm just going to try to wrench it open then. Okay, give me a strength check. You know, if you fly through a zone of darkness, the pupil would dilate and you'd probably fall right out.

13. 13. Okay, so with a 13, you managed to rip open the iris and the cornea a little bit. The tears form along the edges of the pupil, even as the pupil, which is really sharp, begins to cut into your hands and blood starts going down your palms. Oh my God. Can I do that? I was trying to kick through since I'm like a soccer boy and then I'm like the opposite of scary, so like I'm Winnie Boo, but the other way. Sure. Okay.

So you're like, you're like my feet are dangling. I like I did like a power kick down through the trying to kick through the iris. So now I'm like, you're halfway out and your feet are dangling and kicking in the air. Like stepbrother. I'm like power kicking. You know, like when you're swinging, like you do swing, you know, you swing forward and then you kick your butt. That's how I told Dorothy, you know, swing forward, kick your butt, swing forward, kick your butt. I'm kicking my butt as hard as I can. So I'm like kicking the.

Oh, swinging. Like a swing set. I'm just kicking. I'm just frantically kicking the eyeball. Okay. You're gyroscopically throwing off. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do. The center of gravity by constantly moving. I'll say...

I'll be generous because one of you just died. Not dead yet. Not dead yet. Not dead yet. We'll say that you kicking down was your action and that you still have a move if you want to try to fully squeeze yourself out of this thing. Oh, with my legs out, I'm going to press my ankles like up against my butt. I'm going to try to kick while on the inside I'm like grabbing. I'm like trying to, you know, stretch open. Try to stretch that eyeball open. Give me a dexterity saving throw.

That's a 19. Wow. Okay. So you right out of the iris of the angel. How high up are these angels? Not high up enough to do a tremendous amount of damage. You're going to take 2d8 damage from the fall. Okay. But you are now free of the angel's interference. I'm what they would call in an older edition bloodied. Yes.

Now it is the angel's turn. So the angels, it's going to be their turn. The angel that is dragging Hermie towards the fire is going to continue dragging Hermie towards the fire. And Hermie is going to try to resist and he's going to fail. Is that dragging him attack or not? I would say, let's say yes. Okay. Then I'm going to, as a reaction,

Cast protection. When I see a creature attacking another target other than me within five feet, I don't know where I am in relation to everybody else. Let's say you're within five feet. But yeah, then it's just a disadvantage on the dragging roll. Okay. So it still managed to drag him, unfortunately. So it's going to drag him towards the fire. Uh-oh. And Hermie is going to start taking damage on his turn. Oh no.

He could save me, though. He could. He could. Yeah. If he doesn't die in the process. Let this new Hermie remember what tight fucking bonds of friendship he once had. Yeah. He's got all the memories of the real Hermie. Sure. Nice. Now there's seven other angels that are going to do some stuff. Oh, no. Three are going to. Beth, I'm so sorry. I was mean to you. I'm still I'm stewing in anxiety over here. It's so out of pocket. I feel bad. I feel like Freddie could have gotten away with it.

joke. I feel like I just, I can't do roasts. I'm not good at roasts. I was like, oh, this could be funny. And now I'm like, oh man, like a fucking, like, I just feel weird. I feel bad. No, well, it's fine. No, I don't want to make me my emotions. Your problem. You know, I'm just going to stare at the wall for a while. You're also going to get attacked by three angels. All right.

Your AC is 12, you said? Me? Yes. It's clearly lower than that. My AC is 12. Okay. My emotional AC when I feel bad is way lower than that, though. So two of the angels are going to grab you. One's going to grab you by the arm. One's going to grab you by the leg, and they're just going to start pulling in opposite directions. Oh, no. Like the T-Rexes in Lost World. Yeah. Yeah.

Their mission is based on move. So go ahead and take another 5d10 of damage. 5d10 for normal? 29 damage. Normal is also 4th edition blood. Another 3 are going to aim for scary. Because scary is collapse, they're going to get advantage on their attack rolls. They're just going to try to slash at scary with their eyelashes. That's 3 hits. So you're going to take 3d10 damage.

And then you're going to add 15 to that. So they do 1d10 plus 5 for their slashy slashies. Plus 15 is 35. So they slash you and a big scar opens up right along your cheek. Just splits your cheek right open. I'm like, metal. Yeah, it's going to be cool as hell for the second album cover. And the final one's going to go after Link. What's your AC? 13. Okay, rolled an 18.

So it is going to try to grab you and try to shove you right back into his eyeball. How did you have such low AC? I think you have armor. 14 is not the lowest in the world. 13. I might. Oh, 13 is. There's probably a world where I probably should like have armor and stuff equipped. But, you know, hey, we. So it's so it's grabbed you. It's managed to grab you. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait. I played here. Give me a second. Is there anything I can do? I don't know. Is there? Oh, shit, yeah. I have scale mail. I just didn't have it equipped. My AC is supposed to be 16. Is it really? Yeah. Oh, well. That's insane. Oh, shit. I got... Whoa. Whoa. I got super armor.

And I just have equipment. It says I can kill anybody I want to at any time. How weird. So it attacked, it grabbed you around one leg and it's going to try to shove you into its mouth. When it was three of them, it just happened automatically. But this guy, he's going to have to try because he's alone. So go ahead and give me an opposed athletics role link.

Link, having just gone through a rebirth of sorts, has no interest in jumping back into the womb. And rolls a natural 20. Right. No problem. And defies the idea of a creator and says, no womb for me. And he punches the... I got natural 20s. I'm going to do what I want. I punch the angel straight in his iris. And I say, see you later. And we got it.

I'm so glad you narrated that. You're welcome. The angel is going to take a detent of damage from your punch and your pun. That's fair. Takes one damage, unfortunately. One damage. Yeah. I rolled a one on a detent. Goddamn. Now it is Mercedes' turn. What would you like Mercedes to do? I want...

decide for you there are many things she could potentially be doing right probably saving Taylor yeah that's probably priority one is this yeah I mean I can save Taylor on my turn fell into the flames or healing anybody like yeah I can jump and save Taylor but like what character is Mercedes I think I have it right here what Joe crystals does she have so Mercedes O'Garcia is a bard which means she has access to healing words so she's gonna run over she's gonna grab Taylor as a fire in the process she's gonna take some damage I

A bard? Of course Mercedes has a big acoustic guitar. Okay, so she takes a fair amount of damage from grabbing Taylor, but she's going to yank him out of the fire and cast Healing Word on him as a bonus action. Sing some Joan Baez, probably. There you go. So you are going to get 26 HP back, Fred B.D., and you are no longer in the fire. Hell yeah, dog. That was her ninth level spell slot, by the way. Oh, wow. Don't expect a sexy heal like that again.

just a slightly less sexy one that was 94 plus four she's a ninth level how what level is she 20 mamma mia turns out those jo crystals you know i'm saying oh hermy manages to successfully wrench his arm away from the angel that is trying to fuck with him and he's not getting dragged towards the fire anymore and he goes once again what do i do so the piss did not do anything to the fire i missed it missed with your natural one do you want her me to piss on the fire it's

No. We're going for more piss based. What class is Hermie? What can Hermie do other than act? Other than act, well. Damn dog, you know, actors can do other things. I'm not, that's what I'm asking. What can they do? You lie about his special skills on his headshot. I do not give Hermie a proper character sheet. Okay, so he's just like a familiar, like an NPC. Normal turns to Hermie and says, Hermie,

Hermie to Willie, whatever your name is, get out of here. This isn't your fight. This is our fight. You've done enough. And then Taylor kind of goes, no, we do need your help. Like, don't listen to that guy. We need as much help as possible. You leave that boy alone. Go live your life. He's not a boy. He's a buildup bear. Remember, like he's here to help us. Could Hermie command the charmed angel to pick one of us up and drop us into the...

center of the thing. I don't see why not. Okay. But Willie's still on it, right? Well, he's still in there and he doesn't have that mask around his head anymore. I do. I have a spell that it would be really good to get off on Willie real quick. You want to get off on? You want to get off on Willie? Yes. What I said. So, uh, Hermie is going to go, you get my boyfriend and you put him right in that fire, not in the fire. Sorry. In the middle of the fire, but like on the other side of the fire, put him where Willie is. And so the angel goes over to you, grabs you by the leg with its lash and

Chugs macrame and just sits there and counts his little beans and is a happy little accountant. Chugs got an abacus. Chugs has an abacus. Wow. Link's just seeing, you know, Chugs crunching numbers, which is what Marco has to do with all the bills and knows it's a tough job. Turns around and says, Chugs, you're an essential member of the team. And he gives him a thumbs up.

Chug starts crying. It is now normal's turn again. So normal, you get not only your normal move, you are going to get an additional airborne move from the angel that has you within its grasp. So you get two moves and an action. I get two moves and an action. Okay, so I'm going to move with the angel over the flames. Okay. And then my second move is going to be to safely land on the other side. Okay. And then my action is going to be that I'm going to cast a spell called Hallow. Okay. Okay.

Okay. You touch a point and infuse an area around it with holy or unholy power. The area can have a radius of up to 60 feet. First, Celestials, Elementals, Fae, Fiends, and Undead creatures can't enter the area, nor can such creatures, Charm, Frightener, Possessed creatures within it. So basically, I'm going to cast this right at Willy's feet so that his angels can't come to his aid. Okay. Second, I get to add an extra effect effect.

to the area of the spell. Some of these effects apply to creatures in the area. You can designate whether the effect applies to all creatures, creatures that follow a specific deity or leader, creatures of a specific sort. Now, could I say, I don't know if this is too cheap. You seem like you're in Smooth Anthony mode over here, so I feel a little scared. Are you Smooth? No, Harry Anthony's the scared one. Smooth Anthony goes with the flag. Was Smooth Anthony the good one or the bad one? Smooth Anthony is good. One of them tells the truth, one of them only tells lies. Okay, well...

I have to get naked to find out. It only affects people that follow a specific deity. Wouldn't one say that Willie worships himself? I would say so. I'd say that's fair. Okay. Then this is going to affect everyone, including Willie that worships Willie Stampler. And the effect I'm going to choose is silence. So no sound can emanate from within the area and no sound can reach it. Oh, actually, that applies to everybody. I think some of these you can target specifically. So,

So, yeah, I'm going to cast silence basically because I know that to kill people with disintegrate has a verbal component. So I'm trying to finally verbal matters. Yes. When a creature that would be affected enters the spells area for the first time or starts to turn there, it can make a charisma saving throw. If it succeeds, it can ignore the extra effect. So I guess he does have a chance to save on this. OK, I'll have him roll. It's a charisma saving throw of 16. Four.

Well, he's got no charisma. Well, he's quiet. He's got no riz. He's rizzless and quiet. Scary, it's your turn. So I'm still halfway in The Deceased Angel, right? Mm-hmm. That's the next poetry book. Yeah, definitely. So I'm going to use my movement, maybe, to kick out of the corpse of the angel. Sure, kip up out of it. It's going to be a kick up, you know? Because it's going to be half kip up, but mostly just kicking. Yeah, yeah.

You see how I've cleverly meshed the words together. You were trying for a kip up a while ago, weren't you? Yeah, it was like my New Year's resolution like three years ago and I'm like too old to do it. You're never too old to kip up. I was too old like when I was not even 30 yet. That was disastrous. Dude, one day you do your last kip up and you don't even realize it. So, you know, you spend your 20s doing kip ups, you spend your 30s trying to kip up. Damn. Damn.

Well, um... We'll roll a natural one on that joke. Stop recording. Oh, fuck. That's so good. Okay. Okay. This is why you guys are the best in the biz. I'll tell you that right now. What am I going to roll? I would say athletics. Okay. That's what he did for me. And he

You get out easily. You slide through. Nice. Quick little slide tackle. And now where am I in position to our players here? So there are three.

three angels near you so you'll take some opportunity attacks if you want to run past them and then there is a big wall of fire and on the other end of that wall of fire are willie and normal and then next to you kind of close to you within running range is link well i just long rested so i've got fiendish resistance to fire oh cool so i'm going to run towards that fire and therefore willie and hermie

Okay, so you're going to get three opportunity attacks from the Bados. What's your AC? I'm going to do Mage Armor on myself. I'm going to do that. Okay, what does that turn your AC into? Target's base AC becomes 13 plus his Dexterity modifier. My Dexterity is...

Plus two. So 15. 15. Okay. So only two of them hit you then. So you're going to take 2d10 plus 10. Okie dokie. So 22 damage. 22 damage. But you are now right next to the wall of fire and also Hermie actually and Mercedes and Taylor, Normal and Willie. Well, Normal's inside. Yes. But you're close to them. Who's inside? Who's outside? Just Normal? Normal and Willie are the only ones inside. I told you guys Normal's going to kill Willie this episode. Damn, though.

Call his shot. Taylor, it is your turn. Rogue, my steed! Rogue swoops down. Wait, we all want to jump on Rogue. Don't take Rogue away. Don't jump on the train and leave us all behind. Rogue, we must pick up all of us. Okay. And so I think that's my whole action move feels like it's going to be gathering everyone up. I just want to let everyone know. Well, you fell off of Rogue. Yeah, and now I'm back, baby. Rogue flew down. So I'm going to say within six seconds, Rogue can fly down. Oh, I see. Okay.

But I don't think within that same six seconds you can pick everybody up. Well, let me ask you this. Who's right around me, right? Certainly Mercedes. Mercedes is right next to you. And then... I'll use my turn to run into Rogue. And now Scary is right next to you as well. Now, I will remind you all that while this silence thing is up around Willy, he cannot cast any spells, but no spells can be cast that have verbal components within that area. I don't need a spell to hit him.

That's true. Or kick him. Yeah, yeah. Here's what I'm wanting to do, folks. I want to use a rogue to, one, we could drop people off inside. Or, here's the thing, if we get up high enough,

I could then jump out and then just aim for the throne. Because here's my thinking. Yes, it'll hurt. It'll kill if you fall. But in that moment, you'll be on the throne of God. Right? So you could just negate your damage because you're a god when you're on it. Right? You have a faceplant against the throne of God as hard as you can. A faceplant where God's been fucking depositing his farts.

And then in that moment, you become God rogue. And I can jump onto rogue on my turn and fly us over there. And, you know, we don't have to be a hundred feet in the air to drop you on the throne. But there's a timing thing. It's a timing because there's a Willie there.

Yeah, but we... Yeah, the timing is it's my turn. Like, you can do it on your turn. No, but I'm saying if I'm in the air... Here's what I'm saying. If I'm in the air, I can modulate based on how much airspace I... You know, I can either go like... Freddy, I can drop you on the throne. You don't have... Is there... Give me one... Here. Give me one reason you need to be 600 feet above the throne as opposed to five feet above the throne. No, because...

Because if someone's on the throne, I can time... You know when Tom Cruise, it's like, I gotta fall faster and he goes straight? Yeah. He's trying to land on the toilet in the bathroom in Mission Impossible 5. What are you talking about?

Just saying like, yes, Matt, if you were falling onto the toilet and someone was on the toilet and you were like, wait, I want that guy to get off the toilet before I land. You would go like, Ooh, and like stick your body out. Will perceives my tactics perfectly. How tall are the ceilings in your bathrooms though? There,

is no ceiling here. We're in heaven. So you're saying when you're trying to play miniature golf and there's a little thing like a little windmill, you're like, oh, the farther away from this, the easier it is to time. Just get right next

next to it and then wait and then leap you can leap at any moment you want if you're right you're proposing is that rogue patrols overhead on overwatch and then taylor just jumps i take rogue i fly right over the throne which is where you want to go and then from a safe distance you can jump the timing becomes when you jump because you know exactly when you land on the chair but then you're right next to fucking you're right next to willie you can get fucked up

Your plan worked perfectly the last time too. I'll do whatever you want. No, Matt, because then you're right next to Willie. Willie can't do anything. Willie's doing nothing. But if he's there on the throne. He's nonverbal. You know what? It's your turn. You do as you wish. I'll do as I wish on my turn. I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to help you. I'm using my whole turn to help you. I'm just trying to help you.

Link and Taylor have a psychic match as we debate this out. We're going to fight in our brains so we don't have to fight in real life. Let's do it. Let's do it. Straight up. Okay. How do you want to do it? Okay, let's roll initiative, bitch. Let's go. What is that? You guys have a sub fight? I was saying just roll a straight D20 so you can tie it or do rock, paper, scissors. I'll rock, paper, scissors. Okay. You fucking idiot.

Look, if you win, I will drop you from 600 feet if you want. Wait a second. You guys have to do a rock, paper, scissors in your mind. Yeah. So just write down on a piece of paper whether you're rock or scissors. And then you can show them to each other. That's how it works, too, in the real life. You can also just play rock, paper, scissors. It's pretty much the same thing. Fine.

No, I like that we write it. Sure. Sure. No, let them play it in their mind and tell each other what they got after one of them says it. I got rock. Oh, I got paper. Yeah. Actually, if you're playing in your mind, you have to guess whether. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Here's how we're going to do this. Here's how we're going to do this. You guys are going to fight in your mind. You have to guess what the other person is going to put. And I cannot tell you how the game works. I cannot tell you just how much this is absolutely nothing. This.

This is the least something that has ever been done on this podcast. You got it? What did he do? On three. Three, two, one. Paper! No! Matt just turned around a picture of a pair of scissors on Amazon! And he bought it! And makes a shipping! No, I bought it!

Buy the scissors, Matt. These are $42 scissors. Too bad. You're buying them. Buy the scissors or it's not real. My wife's going to wonder why there's a $42 scissors. Hey, Matt, look at me. Buy the scissors or none of it's real. Buy the scissors, you fucking loser. I'm fucking buying the scissors and I'm also typing a reimbursement invoice that I'm saying daddy's right now.

So now that we know that Matt's going to be the one to get what he wants, what are you doing on your turn, Taylor? I'm collecting everyone. Matt and I had a duel in our minds, and now we're all on Rogue. It's me and Mercedes. Okay. And then on my turn, I'm going to jump on Rogue and fly Rogue close to the throne as opposed to 600 feet up above. And I'm going to tell Mercedes, I'm like, listen, lady, just because my homie good boy here is picking me up doesn't mean we still don't have peace.

She just saved your life. Yeah, I literally just brought you back from the dead. I guess we're even. And I hold out for a predator high five. She sighs and does it. Fuck yeah, dude. All right. It's Willie's turn. You got good grip, old lady. He is going to drop concentration, causing the big wall of fire to dissipate. Oh, shit, yes. He's going to spend a full move, moving away from normal and out of the sphere of silence.

So normal, that means you get an opportunity attack on him. Great. Did we ever determine who has the big sword that has advantage on authority figures? I do. You do. Okay. Well, that would have been... All right. I'm coming in hot, dude. Here, Freddy will throw it to you, but first we've got to get 600 feet up in the air so he can land right when he needs it to land.

All right. I am going to attack him with ages ago. It was like, Oh, normal probably has like a cheer baton or something. So that's my mace that I'm hitting. I got a 21. Okay. And I do four damage to him. Is he bloodied? Did he die for damage? 118 remaining. Fuck shit. Thanks for telling us just so you know, I'm not cheating. So he's going to take that opportunity to attack.

You're going to hit him with a baton. He's going to go out. But it's dead silence. It's dead silence. You don't hear it. You see him wince a little bit. He's going to move outside of the... Saw him wince. He's going to move outside the sphere of silence. What's his move speed? It's the same as everybody else's. A 30 or whatever. Yeah, I believe it's 30. Yes, he can just clear it unless he dashes. I put it at his feet, so the radius of the circle would be 30 feet. He's going to be able to move and do an action is what you're telling me? Yes. Okay. So he's going to move...

He's going to look at if he forces a raid against him and he's going to decide that he doesn't care who he kills. He's going to roll a die. Oh, wait, what? He's killing him. God damn it. Wait. He vaporizes Hermie. Oh, no, he killed a stuffed animal. Oh, no.

Okay. Okay. You're telling me Normals watched his mom and Hermie die again within like fucking 10 seconds of each other? Yep. Pretty much. It's not real Hermie. It was real to me. I feel bad for laughing, but come on. Let's be honest. Of all the people that could have died, that was the least impactful. That's the funniest one. Yeah. Chugs McGee would bet you. Chugs has been through so much. Yeah. What is Chugs saying to this? Chugs goes, minus one. Link, it is your turn. Link.

Also realizing that his AC has been down because he hasn't been equipping his shield and stuff. He's going to pick up one of the severed wings of the angel that explode, that normal explode. And he holds it up like a shield. So now he's got an angel wing shield. Great. Yeah. And he's going to leap on to Rogue. And then he's going to stare at, having seen Hermie explode. Oh, did I just know? Having seen Hermie explode. He disintegrated, if that's any better. Okay. Okay.

He's going to leap onto Rogue. He goes, go Rogue. And he looks at Taylor. He's like, it's time to get on your throne, my king. And he's charging Rogue at the throne of God. Oh, Willie's off the throne. Yeah, Willie's off the throne. Willie's off the throne now. Is that a full move? I mean, how close are we to the throne? I feel like it's a full move. Okay, so then you go before Willie though, right, Freddie? Yeah, I do. Hell yeah. Sure does. I would say for my action though, I'm going to cast protection from evil and good on Taylor. Okay. Protection from evil and good? It's just, I mean, all angels roll disadvantage on you. Oh.

And I think it would count as God himself, Willie, as well. But does God fall into this binary? It is a concentration, so that does mean you would be dropping it on me. Yes, I think that is okay for right now.

He's about to go on the throne. I've spreaded my love around. When a guy breaks concentration and casts it on someone else, it's called spreading your love around. I rolled over and I'm concentrating on Taylor. Sorry, that was wrong. So the plan is in action. You are in motion. Rogue is speeding towards the throne of God.

It is now the angels turn. The angels are going to see this big, adorable, good boy speeding towards the throne of God. They're going to immediately drop what they're doing and they're going to all try to attack Rogue. Oh my God. All but one of them hits. So that's six angels, one of whom crits against Rogue. So they are going to roll one, two, three, four, five, six, seven D10s plus 60. Taylor looks at Norma and says, this is why you get 600 feet up into the air, you fucking idiot. Yeah.

Okay. Link looks away, not being able to meet Taylor's eyes. Link looks down at his new $42 pair of scissors. Okay, so the angels slash out with their eyelashes and six of these things just and for a second you think it's fine and then all of a sudden you begin to see blood seep out of a bunch of different cuts on Rogue. Oh no.

And Rogue makes a heartbreaking noise as it collapses down to the ground. Its momentum still carrying it forward next to the throne of God. Rogue is now out of commission. Oh, no. Is Rogue dead or is Rogue just like beat up? You'll have to check Rogue to find out. Oh, God. So it's Mercedes' turn. What do you want Mercedes to do? Make sure Rogue's okay. Okay. No, no. Oh.

Ice cold. Let's be practical. Damn, dude. This adventure really changed Link. We got to kill him. That's like, make sure Hermes is dead again. Just make sure. What should Mercedes do? At this point, we're right at the throne.

So anything that just stops Willie from fucking doing more spells, like that's what it should be. So she's a bard. Does she have any shut up spells? She does. There we go. She's going to cast Otto's Irresistible Dance. Yeah, my moves. Yes.

So he was within 30 feet, so he's just within range. Choose one creature you can see within range. The target begins a comic dance in place, shuffling, tapping its feet, and capering for the duration. Creatures can't be charmed or immune to this spell. Throw the granny! Do the TikTok dance! Do the TikTok dance! The TikTok dance! A dancing creature must use all of its movement to dance without leaving its space and has disadvantage on dexterity saving throws and attack rolls. While the target is affected by the spell, other creatures have advantage on attack rolls against it. Hell yeah. Its attack slash save is wisdom 18. Follow the gritty. So he only rolled a four, but he's

But he's going to use his last legendary resistance to stop dancing. She's going to go, dance for me, bitch. And he's going to go, no. He will use his last legendary resistance to resist a glitty. For all my TikTok heads out there, yeah, I'm on the app. So it's Mercedes' turn. Hermie doesn't have a turn because he's dead. No! Chugs Macrame does a quick prayer for Hermie because he doesn't know that that kid is not real. Chugs, what spells you got? Wow, a mathematician and a man of God. Chugs, what are the odds of bringing him back? Chugs.

Zero. Or undefined. Okay, now it's normal starting again. How much of Hermey is left? He disintegrated. He's done. He's gone. He's gone. He's not even real Hermey. He's gone. He's still a person? I mean...

How's everyone doing HP wise? 26. 48. 31. My ideal measurements. I really love those measurements. Can I give Chugs another thumbs up? Chugs, it's so great that we're able to accurately to the digit track our health. He's doing the like Sherlock like mind palace thing where he's just like moving his hands and stuff and numbers are floating all around him and you can see the HP that everybody has remaining. We could have used Chugs so many times on this adventure. I can't do shit in here. Man.

Magic wise, because all my spells are verbal. I believe normal's first words this episode were, I want to kill Willie. That's true. That's true. I'm going to kill Willie. I'm going to. I'm going to. True to my word. All right. Normal will throw caution into the wind. I'm going to charge after Willie Stampler to get out of the hallow.

Yeah. You have no difficulty doing that. There's nobody near you. So no opportunity to attacks. And then I am going to cast conjure celestial. No, I should heal up. No, but he's mad real journey. I am the fucking cleric. Oh, normal. So torn up whether he should heal his friends or just try to fucking hurt this guy. You guys will be fine. I'm going to cast conjure celestial. You summon a celestial challenge rating four or lower, which appears in an unoccupied space that you can see within range. And it's friendly for the duration. Oh,

Okay, so I'm going to summon a Coatl, C-O-U-A-T-L. This is a medium celestial. It's basically like a big ass snake dragon with big feathery wings. It appears right in front of Willy. Should I roll initiative for him? Yeah. Roll initiative for the celestial. Okay. Okay.

His initiative is 10. Okie dokie. Normal is speechless, just glowers at Willy with rage and hate and fury in his eyes as he summons this massive worm dragon thing to fucking bite his head off. Cool. Dope. Scarlet is your turn. Am I within range to cast something at Willy? Yeah.

Okay, for my action, I'm going to cast Finger of Death. You send negative energy coursing through a creature that you can see within range, causing it searing pain. The target must take a constitution saving throw. 15. Fuck. It's probably going to take half damage or something, right? It takes 7d8 plus 30 necrotic damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful one. And...

I am going to use my special action, Hurl Through Hell. When you hit a creature with an attack, you can use this feature to instantly transport the target through the lower planes. Whoa! Wait, what? At the end of your next turn, the target returns to the space it previously occupied or the nearest unoccupied space. I can use this once for long rest.

Oh, shit. If the target is not a fiend, unfortunately, Willy, I think, is. It takes 10d10 psychic damage. Jesus. Okay. That's a strong-ass spell. So first I'm going to resolve the 78 damage. Divided by 2, right? Divided by 2. So he got 34 damage. Divided by 2 is 17. And then he's going to take an additional 30 on top of that. So that's 47 damage to Willy Stampler. And then he gets kicked down to hell.

Is David Love sitting down there ready to fuck him up? Those are the B word plates. And you know the first thing he says when he gets there. Son of a bitch. And he gets sucked down even deeper into the big throne of skulls in which you fought the 12 soccer players. The well, well, well. They're all down there and they say that. Yeah, they're all down there. They all, well, well, well. Who's this? And you don't see what happens down there. Oh, God. Well, he's going to be like, you boys want to join? So that was my action. I mean.

I'm going to use my movement to go towards the throne. Okay. You are within range of the throne. Next turn, you can sit down on it. Okay. Taylor, your turn. No, but scary, I wanted to sit on the throne of God. Oh, yeah. Wait, what if we all sat on the throne of God together as a married quadruple? Well, I was saying that I think if one of us sits on the throne, we're all sitting on the throne because we're legally one soul. But we're all right here right now, right? So we can all just sit down. I mean...

Yeah. No, you guys are all in this fear right now. You can't talk to each other because the silence is still there. Yeah, okay. Love surpasses normal language. We're glancing at each other. Normal can't hear anything that you're saying. You just saw Willie disappear in front of him and I was like fucking clawing at the ground trying to figure out where this guy is so we can kill him. Far away is normal from us.

Like one walking. Yeah. And you go before Willie. Yes. So if we all hold our turn, we could all go next turn before Willie, right? If I gesture to normal, uh, come hither and it pointed at the chair and it put the four fingers up being like all four of us in the chair. Does normal understand what he is saying? Uh,

do we all want to go on the chair together or does taylor want to go by himself i feel like taylor has at least the sense to you know go in with the okay yeah all right that's scary dog normal is gonna make an intelligence roll uh i got an 18 so i do understand what you say you know the opposite of that would be there was a concert where i think it was like usher was singing and he had like a sign language interpreter and just completely misread this person as a fan on stage just like gesturing so he kept going to be like get off the

Looking to his security being like, "Why isn't anybody getting this guy on the stage?" And meanwhile this sign language guy is just like, still signing and you're like, "I'm just doing my job!"

Just do what you've been doing to do. It's one of the most supremely awkward videos. Maybe Groggo and normal singing too is like I also point at the throne and point at you and do like a like you're gonna get big and strong and then kill Willy when he comes back. Normal goes to sit on the throne as well. Okay. Okay. So I think we all hold our turns to go sit on the throne together. On normal's turn. On normal's turn. Okay. Wait. Is there a term for this

quadruple like that has its own single initiative like Zordos or wait. Zordos? You created a megazord? A marriage megazord? A marriage zord, yeah. Yeah, so your marriage zord will have normal. Please excuse my dear aunt zord. Your marriage zord will have the same initiative as normal. So through the quadril goes and is like, uh. I don't know.

normal shrugs to the guadal like i guess he could fight the angels right there's more angels he could yeah he's gonna also the big team by the way i didn't say last time but i feel like the angels are within the big team of the team yes they are that's just it's just like you know king kong's on the empire state but they got the little planes they get attacked it only has 60 hp so like does it attack them yeah every turn is if they end next to it yeah okay yeah this is currently taylor's turn technically i think i'm gonna hold turn yeah i'm gonna hold

I'm gonna hold my turn. Okay. Yeah, dog. So it is now Willie's turn. He's down in hell with the 12, uh, soccer players. Well, well, well,

He's going to use dominate monster. You attempt to beguile a creature that you can see within range. It must succeed on a wisdom saving throw. Be charmed by you for the duration. They got a natural one on their saving throw. So yeah, 12 bullying soccer players go well, well, well, and are going to switch to his side. They are charmed. It's a telepathic link and you can issue commands on them whenever he wants to. All right.

All right, it's Link's turn now. Oh, I'm going to hold my turn until... Normal's turn. I guess you control the quaddle. What does the quaddle do? The quaddle is going to attack these angels. Okay, do you have like a stat block for the quaddle? Yes, I do. I have a whole thing. Okay, thank you. So it is going to take a bite at one of them. Okay. And it goes, it's not a Tuma. It's not a Tuma. Oh, like Quatto from Total Recall? Pretty good, right? Yeah. Thanks.

Shit. It got a 10. So with a 10, it is going to sink its teeth into the angel, but it's not going to sink them hard enough or deep enough to breach the carapace, the angelic carapace of the angel. But it's got him toothed at the very least. Toothed. So the angels are going to go. They're going to spend their turn trying to...

Get close to the throne of God only to be repelled by your sphere of takesies-backsies, basically. And they are going to off of it and waste their turn trying to do that. It's Mercedes' turn. What would you like Mercedes to do? Mercedes should see if Rogue is okay. Mercedes checks on Rogue. Rogue is breathing shallowly, but is still alive. I can communicate telepathically with Rogue according to this fine familiar spell. So I am just like, Rogue, hang in there, man. We're going to get you some help. Oh.

Can she cure? Does she have cure wounds or anything like that? Yeah, she has another healing world spell she can do on him. Oh, she can't because it's silent in here. Fuck. So she's going to try to deadlift rogue. Yeah, yank rogue as much as she can. Fireman carry him out of the zone. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.

She is a 16. So I feel like she manages to just halt like she does the thing where you like dive and then like use the momentum of your dive to like get them up on your shoulders. What is that? Have you not seen this? Oh my God. She's going to fireman carry rogue out of the sphere of silence. And then she's going to cast healing word on him. And you watch as the cuts all begin to seal back up and rogue sort of toddles up onto his feet. So it was fine.

All right. Now it is the marriage zords turn. Yes. Marriage zord. I think we got link hands. We all link hands. We got clasp. Everyone runs to jump onto the chair at the same time. Are we all just trying to get like one butt cheek on this chair? It's like you're all sitting down on the bench. I feel like it's a dump truck. You think God's got a

Dump truck. You think the fucking throne is like big enough for it's just like a I've got a BBL with no recovery time. Yeah, I feel like God's like probably like at least 20 feet tall. Just double a human. God's like a Mrs. Incredible is what you're saying. I just think God's big. Please, Elastigirl, don't define her by her husband. Yeah, man, I'm just taking L's left. God got the J and the T, baby.

Yeah, I think we all sit down, like, you know, at the same time. Wait, hold on. We all got to look at each other real quick. What are we going to do once we get on to this? This is unimaginable power. That's true. We're all like, let's kill Willie. But also, there's a lot of other things that we could do. Like ace our finals. I mean, kill Willie. Yeah. Oh, that's good. Actually, yeah, we should. Let's all agree, though, that...

We'll all ace our finals. We're not going to tell on each other for it is cheating. Right. Scary. Yeah. I feel like we didn't have time to study because we've been saving the world. It's fair. Yeah. So also one more thing. I don't want to pay taxes anymore.

Fuck out. Link wishes to become a sovereign citizen. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Link. Link, you're like 17, man. You've been paying taxes? It's the one thing, since I don't do dishes, that's the one thing I do for my dad. You have to pay your dad's taxes? It's not that big. I mean, I don't pay them. I just fill them out. It's not big. It's pretty easy. You do pay taxes? Yeah. Chugs! Chugs! Chugs! Is that okay for a kid to do their parents' taxes for them? Chugs.

Chugs is crying with joy at the idea that somebody has had a similar upbringing to him. We can't ask Chugs. Hold on. That's beautiful. That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Forget about it. Okay, hold on. Jesus. So we all sit on the throne. Okay, so the throne cracks under your weight. You can feel it beginning to disintegrate under your weight. A, you get all your spell slots back. B, you can feel that you have control over the angels and you can say one word to them to make them do something. And...

you can feel that the throne is collapsing underneath you from the weight of all the marriage and love that you have for one another. But you can do one thing as gods before it cracks entirely.

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Oh, what can we do? Okay, but that's one thing. Okay. Yeah, that's one thing. Hold on real quick. Killing him is not enough.

Could we bring my mom back? Remember, not killing him is the mistake that our parents made. But Norma does want his mom back. Can we assume that for the sake of argument, we're in a sort of Evangelion-esque white zone of Venice to have this conversation? You're in the ultimate teen huddle. This is just like the end of The It, right? Yes. The It? My favorite Stephen King novel, The It. She gave me The It. She dresses the clown. What are we going to do? Norma lost his mom.

True. Let's take a look. Take a look at what? Just the overall shit that we're in. You'll recall earlier in our adventure that we're talking about re-merging the worlds again. As you know, everything's kind of shit-ass out of fucking whack.

We're not on Earth. Earth is not here. There's a whole bunch of displaced people. There's that. We'll put that to the side for a second. On the other hand, we have a litany of deaths in our group. True. And then we want to kill Willy. But maybe we can kill him and torture him and then kill him. You know what I mean? Or do we become...

the thing that we've always tried to do. What are you talking about? I'm just thinking about it. Normal's freaking out. Normal has no idea what to do because it's like Terry died and my mom died and so many people died and we could just undo all that. We could just go back to before any of this happened but then maybe

maybe it would just happen again and we'd be caught in some sort of horrible loop or something like that. Now it's not. Yeah, because I was thinking, like, what if Willy was never born? But, like, maybe then we wouldn't be... Yeah, like, because then if he wasn't born, then, like, none of us would... That really makes you think... That would change way too much. That would change everything. That really makes you think. Guys, I...

I don't think we can undo like what's happened has happened. We have to live with what's happened. We have to worry about what we have to do. Too many consequences. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like this is the only shot. Norm, I wouldn't say no to you if that's what you want. I mean, there's four of us, but I feel like we have to save everybody else. We have to worry about what's left. And I wonder if this is the only chance we have to kill Willie. I think so. We have the power of a God. Or like make a new world. Or make a new world.

It does feel pretty wild if like we were chosen to be God. And then the first thing we did as God was kill somebody, even if they're like pretty bad. I mean, this is the first and last thing you did. The only thing, but I don't know, man. Like, I don't know if anyone's supposed to have this much power. I don't know if anyone's supposed to be able to do this much, you know? But Willie has the power now. Yeah, I know. I get stopping. Willie seems like the most clear cut thing to do. But like, fuck, man, it's my mom. And she just died in front of me.

What if, like, we wish that, like, Willy was just a kid? Like, powerless, like us. We just took away his power. And then we'd kill a kid? No, we don't have to kill him. No, we could just make him, like, start him over, I guess. Or, like, lose...

I guess that's killing him in a different way. Yeah. Hmm. I feel like the dog that's caught the car. Yeah. Now that I have the power of God and infinite time to contemplate my decisions, this is tough work. Hmm.

What if we use it to create God? A new God? A new God, right? What happened to God? What happened to the old God? And we bestow upon... They said he left for some reason. How do we know that the same situation won't happen again and we just say all over again, the God's gone?

Well, we got that. And I text all my friends. It's like, man, you know, I just I spent so long hating my parents for all the choices they made. And now it's like, OK, what choice are you going to make? And I'm like, I don't know. You don't know. You just have to make a choice. Then you have to see what happens as a result of it, I guess. You know, as Sondheim says, the choice may have been mistaking, but choosing was not.

So does that mean we should just do what we do? What would Stephen Sondheim do? Wait, wait, we might have a solution. I might have a solution. I may have a salt. I may have a salt. Okay, Willie's going to be back in just a second, right? Yeah. Bring your mom back in the same space that Willie is. Telefrag Willie with your mom. But then how do we know that wouldn't telefrag my mom with Willie? Well, because she's showing up after. The moment we see Willie, the moment Willie shows up,

We bring your mom back into the same space. But again, that just creates a horrible Willie mom fusion. Mom will die too. Yeah. That doesn't, I don't want to just use my mom as a missile to blow up somebody. That was my solve. All right. That's what I got. Somebody builds a bigger mom. Yeah, that's true. If your mom is like spatially in all dimensions, like, you know, larger than Willie, then she wins.

Maybe I was being selfish because like maybe it's not fair because like we've all been losing people. And, you know, I think we should just save. I don't know. Let's just save your. No, let's bring your mom back. Can we bring back everyone he killed? Like how many? Does that count? Just out of character. Yes, you can. What if we just bring them all back? In the same space that he's in. You're right. If one person can telephrag him, then imagine an entire crowd of people. We could bring them all back, but then we got to kill him ourselves.

Yeah. That's what I vote we do. It mitigates the most harm from what he's done, but then it puts it on us, you know? 100%. Yeah, if we can bring more people back, we should bring... That means my mom. That means... Well, I guess he didn't... It means Hermie 2, not Hermie 1. Hermie 2, but not Hermie 1 because the FBI killed Hermie. But all the Willie Stamplers that he killed. All the Willie Stamplers. Those guys had nothing to do with anything. I mean, I'm sure some of them... Okay, so then one of them can be in the same space that he is. They're already dead, right? So, like...

I think we could kill this son of a bitch and put him in the ground, which means to me, I think we should use this moment to undo the harm that he's done. Now, what if we phrased in that vague way? Think about this for a second. If we just said to undo all the harm that Willie Stampler has done, I

I feel like we want to be pretty specific with our wish. That's all I'm going to say. It feels like who determines what harm is, though, right? Like, that's open-ended. That could go sideways on us. Maybe learn, like, the world, like, you can't get rid of all harm. I'm not saying that the harm was good, but it made people who they are, like, as part of us. Like, you can't just undo everything, like, Willie did. I was just thinking that, too. I get that. I return to my telefrag. I worry that if everybody was back, then I wouldn't.

feel the way I feel now. I mean, I know that's selfish, but... I'm not saying we undo the things that he did. I'm not saying that we change the course of events. I'm saying we use a new event to bring all the people that died by his hand back to life. Okay. Like Buffy, season five, and she's really happy after that, right? I didn't watch the rest of it. It's season six. Season six. She's coming back in season six, but she dies in season five, right? Yeah. Yeah, okay. I mean, like, I've seen what heaven is like. This isn't great up here. But if it isn't, oh, no.

We seem so simple, but now you're getting into it. Because if it's not great up here, then it's like, eventually we're going to die and it's going to be horrible. Then like, what are we? Okay. So just to clarify, it's not like we're undoing that he killed them. We're bringing them back from the dead. Yes. Okay. This seems like such a fucking...

That's normal's vote. Okay. Normal raises his hand and says, that's what I want to do. I'll second that with the caveat that one. No telefragging. Why not? Taylor, if you really want to telefrag the moment we're done, we can ask Mercedes who has a turn before Willie to put like a rock there or something and see if that works. If it was that easy to kill him, I'm sure there's plenty of things we can put in there. Oh, fine. She'll hold a rock at head height.

Where he was. Okay? Is that good enough for you? That's fine. Okay, I like that. What do you think, Scary? You also lost a parent. Also, I think they might drop the charges vis-a-vis Tony Pepperoni if Tony comes back, you know? Well, I mean, I killed Tony, so Willie didn't have anything to do with it. No, he did. He stabbed him, dude. Oh, yeah. Well, it feels like I did. Well, not to be clear, this will not absolve you of that guilt. This is just bringing the people back. Okay.

Okay, let's do that. I'm with all you. Mercedes, please go grab a rock and hold it at approximately head height where he was. Thank you. Mercedes goes, no problem. I bring rocks with me. She's got those crystals. Oh, put it in the biggest J.O. crystal you got. She grabs the biggest, horniest J.O. crystal that she has. She walks approximately to where Willie was, holds her fist out at roughly his head height, estimating.

Just then the magical energies of heaven swirl around you as your godly power begins to take actual physical form and Rebecca Swallows Oak Garcia appears in front of you. Confused, looking around and going, no, no, what's going on? And then you see Tony Pepperoni appear and go, I was, I was in, I was like five feet, I was five floors away and now I'm here. What did you, what did you tell me what you're here for? Uh oh. Um,

And then Terry, who previously was in hell from being dead, Willie got him, started torturing him here. So he basically loses the whole being dead thing. Everyone has an aspect of being dead. He had the vibe of being dead. He has his Facebook profile. I'm alive now. In a relationship with life. Yeah. Terry feels something changed within him as well. And now that you're on the throne, Willie's harm spell that he was enacting on all your parents stops as well.

And they look up and they see their children sitting on the throne of God, using all the power in the world to make a decision out of love, not out of hate or fear. And you feel an immense sense of pride, normal from Larkin Sparrow and Sparrow can't help it. He turns into a love wolf for the first time in 20, 30 years. Sparrow just goes and Lark says,

I'm so, so, so proud of you. And the wolf nods. Normal tearfully nods back to the wolf. The wolf nods back and knowing that a hug is not coming.

That's why we're like far away from each other. Oh, okay. You can run. Sure, you're kind of far away. No, no, no, no. Normal nods, normal nods. You still got complicated feelings here. You think you can get off that easy? Marco and Grant look at you, Link, and a tear goes down Grant's eye as he says, uh,

You did better than I could have, kid. I run straight to Marco and Grant and I hug Marco. And then I turn to Grant and I look at him. Nods and says, boss kicks. And I kind of open my arms out for like a hug. And I say, I need you as my dad again. I know you're broken, but I'm broken now. And it's your job. That's your job. That's what it means to be a dad. So I just don't hug me if you're not going to.

If you're not going to try, I need you. He pulls you into the tightest, closest hug. I hug him. He just cries and cries and cries. Taylor, your mom and Nick amble over to you and Nick looks at you and he goes, I guess I was wrong. I guess you are always a loser and will always be a loser. No, I meant about your friends. Like your friends came through for you.

That's what I was. Sounds like a loser talking. Mom. Yes, honey. Mom. Get me high. Oh, my perfect son. Love you so much. Over the course of this adventure, I've learned a lot. And I think I may even have a little lesson for you. And that's this.

We are perfect. Nothing we did is wrong. At no point should we ever change. Absolutely. You are flawless in my eyes, Mom. You're flawless, too. You're the best. You're the best. You're everything. You always will be the best. I love you so much. This adventure has proved that the Swifts, the Taylor Swift, and the Cassandra Swifts of the world are unstoppable, flawless beings. Nick's like, yeah, we're good. Nope, not this one. This guy is a little dirt bucket.

What a loser. Sandra's like, stay out of this. Mom, cool people say what? What? Yeah. Yeah.

Scary pets, rogue. Your mom, Veronica, and your biological dad come up to you and your biological dad says, uh, while you're on the thing, could you maybe? No. Uh. Shut up. I want to talk to my mom. Okay. And he walks away. And my dad. And Terry turns and he's already, tears are already running down his cheeks when he hears you say the word dad in his direction. And he walks up and, uh, just pulls you into a hug. Veronica,

Veronica says, Scary, I can't believe you did it. You saved us. Mom, if you want to, you could call me Terry sometimes. Just for a little bit. Okay. If you want. Okay, Terry. No, I felt wrong. Scary, right?

And because you wished everybody back into existence who really killed, that means that Glenn Close also comes back as a mortal version of himself. Wait, like a non-demon version? Yeah, I guess he's just like alive again. Like a pre-Power Word Kill season one Glenn Close? So like old Silver Fox though. Silver Fox. Yes. Oh, he has like a little streak of silver in his hair now. I don't know what that means, but okay. He goes, whoa.

What's this streak of silver in my hair? That's what he's focused on? That's the first thing he notices. Whoa. Ow. What is that in here? How does he notice? Where is he? He knows where the people are. He's dangling over his fucking eye. Cool as fuck, Beth. Okay. He goes, whoa.

Look at all these people. I don't know anybody because I'm coming back, like, canonically, right? He's coming back before... He didn't, like, lose his memory. He's just alive again. He's just alive again is the idea. He's fine. He's back. He's fine. He's lost his demon powers. I don't have a demon power anymore. Well, now that I'm back in corporeal form, there's a chili cheese dog I've been meaning to eat.

I'll be seeing you later. Your son and your grandson are like, okay. You guys want gum? Love you. Actually, yeah, it would be nice to go. Hey, son, let's get chili cheese dogs together. I don't know my grandson. Well, would you like to? Let's find out over chili cheese dogs. Go.

God, what a piece of shit. And then Taylor goes, fuck you guys. You guys all suck shit. You guys suck shit and I don't care and I'm cool with my mom. You guys go eat your junk food, your Sonic foods, and I'll be here with my mom. Mom hugs. Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.

Okay. You see Hero Oak Garcia Swallows approach and go, I escaped from the jail that the angels put me in. I was going to see if you guys need help, but apparently you've got everything solved. I guess you were the chosen one after all. You kind of did most of the work. I mean, we'll call it 50-50. You know, good job, sis. I didn't do anything. Hermie, the unworthy, walks up to Normal and he says, when I was back in

Being dead in Goof Realm, I asked my dad for something and I found it. And he unfurls a piece of paper that says prophecy at the top. And it says the child of Sparrow and Lark will be the chosen one. The first child of Sparrow or Lark will be the chosen one. Oh, Sparrow or Lark. Yeah, Sparrow or Lark. Hey, that oar's doing a lot of heavy lifting in that prophecy. It looks really official and looks really ancient. And Sparrow goes, yeah, how did you find that? And he goes, Sparrow and Lark. Who says Sparrow and Lark? You say Lark and Sparrow. Sparrow, Lark, S-L.

This prophecy was made by my dad. Wait a second, it was just BS the whole time? I think he just thought it would be funny. Oh, well, okay. I mean, that's kind of, you know, my whole, all right, okay. This kind of just, it feels like that caused a lot of problems for our family. It's like good vibes now, though. Yeah, it's good vibes now. It's going to be whatever you want to. Good vibes only.

It was mean to you, but it's a pretty good scam, all things considered, right, Normal? Maybe give him a thumbs up for that one. Hermione's like, come on, let's see a smile. Normal snatches the paper and lights it on fire. Fair enough. And lets it go into the wind. Hero.

playfully knocks you on the shoulder and says, proud of you. Fuck prophecies. Peace out. Fuck prophecies. Peace out. Yeah. Are you going? No, I just thought it would be, I didn't want to say fuck prophecies and have our conversation end that way. Okay. Well, I'm sticking around. Okay. Well, what are you doing later? I just, I guess I'll go home. I don't know what we're doing for dinner. You know what? I'll cook. Wow. Can we, I just, I don't remember the last time you cooked. What are you going to cook?

- Tapas. - Tapas? That's an entire category of like small plate appetizers. I don't- - That's what I do. That's my style. - You cook tapas? - It takes a really long time. It's really hard. That's why I don't cook very often. That's why it's a big deal that I'm doing it. I'm making tapas when we get home. - Wow, hey guys, Hiro's making tapas tonight. - I'm not making tapas for everybody. I'm making it for our small family. - I mean, we're all family now. - Yeah. - Yeah, genetically Hiro. - Hiro, you kind of have to make it for the rest of my family if we're gonna make tapas. - Fine. - It's all small plates though. So you guys probably won't get that many. - Okay.

And Hermie says, I know I'm not your Hermie, but I feel all the stuff that he felt. And in the end, he really did care about you a lot.

Well, I really cared about him a lot. And since you're like, kind of, you know, you helped us out a lot. And, you know, I don't, you're just, you're your own guy. I don't want you to, you know, I don't want you to feel like you have to be him or anything. You're your own Hermie. So, you know, I don't want to, I don't want to like, you know, just, I guess I would just say, you know, if you're ever, then that would, you know, if you're like, then that would be cool. I couldn't put it better myself. Yeah.

Hermie knocks you playfully on the shoulder, just like your sister did, and walks away. Did you want to go out sometime? He turns and he goes, I'll think about it. And he smiles back to himself as he turns away as he keeps walking. I'll take it. And you know that it's only a few seconds until Willie Stampler comes back.

We're just staring at the fish. Norl quickly casts Mass Healing Word on the entire group. Everyone gets 23 health points back. Great. Leek remembering his hours of Monster Hunter. He's just dragging TNT boxes and just putting them all around. And in that moment, as the families are reunited...

As prophecies have been revealed as bullshit. We do command all the angels to circle around the spot in case our telephrag doesn't work. That makes sense. I got a lot of money. It's our signal. Unleash hell. Mercedes nods at you with quiet approval. Get a good grip on it, lady. She brings in Lark and Sparrow for hugs and kisses each of them on the head. And maybe get their hands to help hold that in place. Sparrow starts crying, saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. After Lark says the same thing. She says it's OK. Yeah.

And then, yeah, they do the thing that you asked. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Every single person present holds their turn. Willie back into existence with 12 soccer players that go, well, well, well, well, well, there are a lot of you. Holy shit. Uh, maybe, maybe not. Maybe fuck this.

And the soccer players like put up their hands and sort of try to back away from Willie. And then Link goes, well, well, well, look who's, I'm not gonna bully you guys. Anyways, it's just,

Just shoes on the other foot now. I'm... Wait, but what happened to Willie? I'm not scared of you. So Willie looks around and sees all of them. But his head's on the rock, Anthony. We were holding the J.O. crystal. All right, we're going to roll. We're going to roll. Yeah, yeah, because nothing... See if you're telephoning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. First, does Willie's head explode? All right. One through ten, he's fine. Eleven through twenty, his head explodes.

Can you read on that? Yeah. I mean, you're the DM. You decide. You're the DM, but that seems like a coin flip. Seems like, I don't know, just a J-O. Here's what I'm saying. Here's what I argue. Here's what I argue. The power of the J-O crystal, which has been absorbing J-O energy this entire time, right?

Mercedes has just been jerking off the entire time. I'm just saying, over years and years and years, it's probably picking up latent J-O energy anywhere it is. You know what it's doing? It's like a Wi-Fi scanner just going around picking up. It's vibrating with the Kellogg knife that hasn't been used to masturbate. I'm like...

months and months and months, the two of them and magnetize together. Yeah, so here's what I'm saying. It's not about how strong a crystal is. It's just about where it is. Yeah, I know, but I'm saying like maybe, right? Maybe there's like a little bit of just a little bit of a plus one. Because it's not just a rock. It's not just a rock. If it was a rock, I'd get it. If it was a rock, if it was a crystal, then people would be jacked off

around will i literally think it should be like if it's one out of 20 that's kind of what i was like we should be like i'll give you a two out of 20 then okay if it's one or two it's only a 10 chance of willie 10 explodes yes okay okay let's do it let's do it fuck a one or a two willie's head explodes i wrote natural we're all real dice we're all real that's fuck you real real dice

I want to see it because this could be the most consequential role. Originally, did Anthony give us a 50% chance? And then you talked your way into a two? No, I was saying it was a plus two. Yeah, but now it's a one and a two is what we got. No, I agree with that. I think this is more. I think there's a three dimensional space that it could be in, right?

So unfortunately, Mercedes's hand with the J.O. crystal is displaced from where it was. Her hand just moves to the side very suddenly. And Willie finds himself standing there. Hit him with a rock. Throw the J.O. crystal at him. Everybody's spells go off at once. He is like Sonny Corleone in The Godfather. He is fucking obliterated by fireballs.

Bullets, concussions to the head, slashes from the lashes of the angels. J.O. Crystal's being thrown at him. Yeah, J.O. Crystal just jammed him in the back of his skull over and over and over again. And he falls down to the ground. So much more violent. Extremely. So much more violent this way. Fucking end of Lady Vengeance here. Yeah, pretty much. And he looks up at all of you. It's like the Kill Bill shot, like down on the ground, everybody's standing over you, staring at you. As blood is beginning to gurgle up, as he begins to drown in his own blood.

He looks up at you and he says, let's just piss in his open mouth. I've been saving this one up for a while. Yeah, I will waterboard you with my own test. Let's win with some dignity. No, that's what he did. Dignity is for you. The Swifts have never been about dignity.

out and then like and then like glenn comes through he's like this kid's the fucking coolest kid yeah now that willie's dead the cells are open all the dads from season one can come back and just piss it we're all just pissing on his corpse yeah he drowned he drowned in blood and piss taylor can piss on the corpse into his open mouth drowning his open mouth with my piss yes he has no final words he gets no benediction whatsoever you just really push yeah

taste of his own taste of mine his own medicine he never peed on anybody laughing

He did a lot of things, but he never peed on anybody. Oh, and like Link leans over as like you're still peeing in his mouth. I'm like, Taylor, you can stop. He's he's Phil Bulls. I think he's dead. You can stop. No, no. Link, you ever try stopping midstream? It takes far strong. Oh, well, yeah, I don't have that kind of strength, my man. I can only do what I think is right at any given time, which in this case is unload. I'm loading my time and holding this all day. Holy shit.

Woo! I mean, you... Never mind. Never mind. What?

You peed a little into the, you know, the helmet. Yeah, you already peed. You peed a little bit. As Taylor pisses on the corpse of Willie Stampler. I mean, it was responsible. Yeah, get your last licks in here because his mouth is full, but, you know, his ears are still working. He locks eyes with you, Scary. Okay. As he's drowning in the piss. You'll die right away when someone pisses in your mouth, Link. Everyone knows that.

I stare at him with a blank expression. His eyes roll back into his head as he begins to convulse from his lungs filling with piss and blood. What a way to go. I look up at Grant. I'm like, yeah, see, this is one of the things I'm going to need help processing. Grant tries to cover your eyes with his hand and then he tries to cover his own eyes with his hand and Marco covers both your eyes with their hands. And yeah, with that, Willie Sampler is finally dead. And

When you came into this, you may have thought that there was no way you were going to win, that there was no way that you could defeat God, that you were going to fail like you have so often failed in your lives. And there are a lot of days where you will fail. There are a lot of days where things won't go your way. There are a lot of days when you won't be enough, but not today. The sun sets over Teen High as the students file out and the lights stay on because tonight is reunion night. It's been 20 years since

Since you graduated from teen high. Thank God we graduated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's an assumption. He was touching. He was touching go. Somebody is at the front with all the name tags waiting for you all to come in. Who comes in first? Yeah, well, sorry. It's the person at the front holding all the name tags is Lincoln Lee Wilson, the coach, the soccer coach of teen high. Just being like, all right, all right. Hey, kids. Yeah, all right. Wow, voice hasn't changed one bit. Clean up.

All right, good job. Hey, hey, you do that, you ain't gonna, you're not gonna be the forward. Come on, come on, Jerry. All right. Hey, who's up? Who's coming in? Oh, give me a second. I'm just trying to figure. I see you, Norm.

Normal Oak, who's now... How old are we now? 34? Yeah, around there. Oh my God. I'm not even 34. Normal, who's just kind of been like nervous to come back. He's been kind of like lurking kind of behind a telephone pole, like pretending to check his phone. And he just kind of winces and he walks up and he says...

hey hey link how's it going man it's good to see you yeah how's it going dude oh you know it's been going okay it's been going okay but i'm back baby well yeah i mean it's reunion so yeah you said okay like you're like you're like it's going okay okay like you said a few times like makes me think it's like more like okay it's like the medium but it feels like a little bit lower on the medium end it's like what's going on my dude i don't know i just got a lot i've got a lot of emotions coming back here i think you know like this uh it's

This place was such a big, you know, like the whole, it's just such a big part of my life. And, um, wow. It's just all hitting me. It's been 20 years. I missed you, man. Oh, I missed you. Anyway, let's go in. Let's get some punch. Are you, what do you want? What do I do? Hey, if you, I don't mean to put you to work right away, but like, and I kind of glanced over and you see like this, like dweeby kid is like struggling to put on his teeny suit. I'm like,

I'm like, you're the best there ever was, but so like, I don't mean to put you to work right away, but if you want to like go talk to Jerry over there, I was just giving him a hard time. He's also forward, but like, I don't know. He's yeah. I'll go talk to him. All right. Because it won't fit on my stupid head. This thing is so...

Here's the trick, kid. You gotta let your hair get nice and greasy. That's the only way it's so straight. Oh my god! What's your name? Jerry. Hey, Jerry. How long have you been the mascot, man? Just this year, after the previous mascot died. The previous mascot died? Oh, I just feel like kind of like, I was like, yeah, that's rough.

Dude, and then it's just like, you see newspapers, like, scandal at T&I. Well, I'll tell you what, man. Like, you know, it's a feeling like nothing else, running out on the field and hearing everybody cheer. But just remember, dude, and I put a hand on his shoulder, it's just a costume. And I pat him on the shoulder and I walk inside.

Inside, you see somebody getting down on the dance floor, just absolutely laying it all on the line. She's going to be real sore the next day, but right now it's tonight, and she turns around and she's like, fuck, I forgot my name tag. Hey, Link! Here you go, honey. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

Babe, I told you to give me my name tag before I went in. Babe, everybody knows who you are. You don't need a name tag. You do your signature on the dance floor. You don't need a name tag. Oh, I love you. I love you. Camera pans over and there's the 12 soccer players all gathered around. They're angels. They're demons. Well, no, but they're also the 12 soccer players. They're also graduates of your school. Oh, yeah, I guess so. Anyway, after...

After I dropped out of... Let me get the Taylor older voice. Anyway, after I dropped out of college, Harvard, I got this Apple Vision Pro and my startup's been killing it. And Taylor is in a full suit and wearing the Apple Vision Pro. Hey, Taylor! When did you get out, man?

Well, it was a year ago, but the parole officer told me I could make an exception for this, but you know, and he pulls his leg up, and he has three ankle monitors on him.

You know, can't go too far from the radius. It's a lot like a dog collar. Well, what they don't know won't hurt them, unlike some people. Ha ha. Hold on. I'm getting a text message. And Taylor just sort of stares off into space, pinching his hands. Okay. Anyway, that's just my startup. Have you heard about this thing? NFTs. Oh, God.

And at the DJ booth, you see somebody that looks very much like Joaquin Phoenix as the Joker on the ones and twos looking out on the dance floor at all of his friends. Let me get a picture of you. I'm just rolling a video right now. What do you want to say? Retro costume. I was going to say this next song is by an alumni of the school, Scary Marlowe. And he puts on a song from Butthole Ricochet.

I think it's Worst Thing in the World is Hope. Okay, so Worst Thing in the World is Hope is playing the Tiesto mix, obviously. The DJ Tiesto remix. The Pitbull version, dude. Hell yes. The Worst Thing in the Mister Worldwide is Hope. LAUGHTER

Jerry, take over. I throw Jerry to the front where I do the tickets. Jerry's like, okay, no problem. And I run down the dance floor and I start dancing. I put my arm around Link and I say, our son's pretty great, huh? The best. Let's embarrass the shit out of him. And I start dancing crazy. Jerry's like, okay, I see what you're saying. Jerry's like, mom, dad.

This is embarrassing enough with me in this thing. You're doing great, honey. I know. I got some good advice. Keep dancing. I'm recording this in spatial 3D video, so I'll send you later. I'll send you the link, but I'm just going to move around and just stare at you. No more screen time. Let me see your eyes and let's dance. Well, no, you see, it scans my face.

so these are my eyes. And we pull you into the dance. Yeah! And then as Taylor gets pulled in, he like stumbles a little bit, which then goes into a perfect pop-lock sequence. And he's like, yo, I learned this in prison! And he's like finger-tutting shit. And meanwhile, somewhere, somewhere out there in the universe, Glenn's like, kiddo has had it in him.

Normal is kind of lingering over by the punch bowl. He looks up at there's a little in memoriam thing for Tony Pepperoni, the dean who has since passed on. From old age. From old age. After getting fired for being racist. He got canceled to death. Normal takes a sip of his punch and kind of like, you know, does a little sort of cheers to Tony and sets it down. And he looks at his friends dancing and it's like a really...

It's a hard emotion for him, like seeing them happy because it's hard for him to be happy right now. But he chugs the rest of the drink and slams down and he walks onto the floor. And for the first time in a while, just lets himself go. Hey, the chosen ones here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So as you dance the night away, remembering the good and the bad, the heroic and the not so heroic, you for a split second, see a non-binary purple person who just waves at you.

And dude waves goodbye one last time. And then the season ends. Wait, hold on, dude. Get over here. Dude. We need. Oh, he does the lasso. He does the lasso. Do the lasso. Roll for the lasso. The effectiveness of the lasso is very powerful. Dude's like, I'm not supposed to do this, but okay. All right. And I lasso them over. All right. Dude comes in and starts dancing as well. Okay. All right, you guys. Dude, I never thought we'd get out of high school alive. But here we are. Is there something?

♪

My name is Matthew Arnold, and I played Lincoln Lee Wilson. I'm Anthony Burch, and I was the Daddy Master. I'm Will Campos, and I played Norma Loke. I'm Beth May, and I played Scary Marlow. My name is Freddie Wong, and I played Taylor Swift. My name's Maxton Waller, and I wrote the theme song, On My Way.

I'm Brian Fernandez. I'm the content producer. I'm Ashley Nicolette, and I'm the community manager. I'm Courtney Terry, and I'm the community coordinator. I'm Cindy Denton, and I'm the merch manager. I'm Esther Ellis, and I'm the lead editor. I'm Travis Reeves, and I'm the assistant editor. I'm Robin, and I do the episode transcript.

Thank you so much for listening to Season 2 of Dungeons & Daddies. As we gear up for a brand new season, we're going to be giving you a sneak peek behind the curtain of our Patreon in the upcoming weeks. Just like for Season 1, we'll be making public our season wrap-up episode of Teen Talk, our behind-the-scenes after-show where we answer listener questions and talk about each episode as we release them. You'll get keen, cunning insight into our creative process and what goes through our twisted minds each episode, so look forward to that.

After that, we're going to give you a look at our debut episode of Kingdom Dad Monster, an ongoing Patreon-exclusive miniseries where we play Matt's very expensive copy of the cult classic board game Kingdom Death Monster. This miniseries has been a total surprise hit amongst the Patreon crowd, and we're very excited to share with you the bizarre permadeath universe of Kingdom Death Monster.

And then after that, we'll be kicking off a new season. So make sure you stick around, stay tuned. And if you are so inclined, support the show directly on our Patreon. That's going to be at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Become a champion of independent creators such as ourselves and join people like James Cook, Colin Ressler, Justin Kelly, David F., Hannah Anderson, LGDX, Chris Powers, Nathaniel Miske, Kianelli, Jamie Frazier, Tyler Barhorse, Zeb, Joey Swanson, Ethan Kautz,

Green Ghoul Guy, Melina Zavalos, Anton Kreis, Deanna, SerenaEcho87, Carl Stephenson, and Perishable Fruit. Stay tuned to what's coming up at DungeonsAndDaddies.com and you'll find all of our social links and our merch shop there as well. Thank you again for supporting us and listening to Season 2. We hope you've enjoyed yourself as much as we have and we will see you April 9th for more Dungeons & Daddies. I just like, I just, like, it was just, just, it was, it was too much piss.