S2 Ep. 52 - Dood Riddance (Time of Your Life)
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Where have all the cat girls gone? Where's the co-wife's son, Dorette, to help us kill Willie? Isn't there an actor, a star of stage and screen? Made just right to fleece and a charm and took with me.

I'm hitting a micro hero on a cell phone tonight And I hope that she's up and I hope that she's down And I hope that she's ready to fight Hermes I'm hoping that a new Hermes can help Fredo tonight And he's gotta be cute and he's gotta be cool So we gotta bear him just right, bear him just right

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies. A Pitbull podcast. Yeah, boy. That's not Pitbull. He doesn't say that. No, he doesn't say that. He says, like, we're bringing it, we're bringing it, we're bringing it back. Is this safe to Google? Let's bring it, bring it, bring it back to the beginning of the intro and you can do it over again. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies. Not a BDSM podcast. Not a Pitbull fan cast either. A Madam Web podcast. A Madam Web fan cast. His web connects us all. Wait, the next few minutes of the podcast are not funny. I just saw the future. Oh, my God. What?

Wind it back. You could go down that path. You can change it, Matt. You can change it. You can do it all. This is a D&D podcast about four teens from our world and Mr. Worldwide. And Mr. Worldwide. And together they all got to save the world. Like, you know.

You know? My name is Freddie Wong. 52 episodes in, that's where Freddie's limit is. That's where he landed. My name is Taylor Swift. I play Taylor Swift. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the tiefling rogue. Sorry, you got a different energy. This is Dungeons and Daddies 8.

a.m. The Zoo Crew is coming. Oh, Zoo Crew. I love that. Nice and daddy Zoo Crew. Freddie and the gang. Freddie and the gang checking in as Taylor Swift. Seedy sides all day. Classic rock. Level 13 tiefling. It's brilliant enough for me that when I got my coffee, I didn't make the joke like, still haven't had my coffee yet. The barista looked at me as I was saying gibberish to them. We're like, ha,

You haven't had your coffee yet. That's how early it is. It's like a Folgers commercial, and we're just waiting for the incest. It's 10 a.m., which is what we call it. No, don't say what time it is. It's 10 a.m., a.k.a. a podcaster's 6 a.m. Yeah, there we go. It's 4 a.m. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the tiefling rogue of the group. Nice. This week's Taylor fact. We've seen everyone's personal heavens. Taylor's personal heaven. It's not spaghetti. It's Tsukumen Ramen. What?

Which means that it's just a hot soup. You know what I mean? It's like a sauna. Does Sukkoman ramen still hit the same way as spaghetti in heaven? Do you decide the heaven rules? If you're Asian, yeah. Is there Asian heaven, Anthony? Well, we established there's Italian heaven. That's true. That's a good fucking point. That's the good fucking point. That's the good fucking point.

That's the good of the fucking point. I know who's going to Italian heaven when they die. Listen, listen. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Technically, as any... I like the idea that all the other races have one heaven, but just Italy and Asia have separate. Did we say Italian heaven as hell?

But let me say this. As any Chinese person will be happy to tell you, or at least any Chinese mom will be happy to tell you, where do you think the Italians got the noodles? Oh, here we go. Was that a thing? I didn't know that. Marco Polo brought it back, right? Marco Polo, the original Mr. Pitbull, brought it back. The original Mr. Worldwide. He was studying spiders in the Amazon before he died. This is like a running joke in Chinese culture specifically, which is like, growing up, my mom would always be like, well, the Chinese invented that. We invented gunpowder. We invented firework.

It was just like this whole, like, you know, proud of our history sort of thing. But then I remember one time my mom took it a step too far because I was having a pizza and she's like, you know, pizza, the Chinese invented that. I'm like, what, what are you talking about? I've eaten Chinese food my whole life, mom. You never made pizza. And she's like this, the Xiaobing, the like scallion pancakes. Oh, I was like, mom, that's a stretch. This is not pizza. Like, I know it's like a thing that's round and a little doughy, but that's not pizza, mom.

Anyway. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled-at-home soccer kid who became the protective paladin of the group. I guess he's imaginary now. I'm not sure. He's in a prison cell. He's got portals from one room to another. Really quick fact, because I want to get into it. I want to get into the game. I want to fight Willie Stampler. It's a really quick fact. Sorry, what? Really quick fact. I want to fight Willie Stampler. Was I gibberish too much? Was it too hard to understand? Somebody had their coffee. I don't have my coffee. Okay. Sorry.

Son of a bitch here. Lincoln's favorite dessert.

It's applesauce. Oh, no. That's the most homeschool thing you've ever said. That's the most homeschool, yeah. Wait, wait. I hear you, though, because if a fruit cup can be a dessert, then I feel like applesauce. A fruit cup cannot be dessert. A fruit cup's not a fruit cup. Cakes are just a little too much. Like, they don't need them. Applesauce is great. Applesauce is great. It's soft. There's a lot of sugar in applesauce. If that's not a dessert, then Link doesn't know what is. Real quick, real quick.

Real quick, those of us without kids, when's the last time you had applesauce? More recently than is acceptable. If you've had pork recently and you haven't had applesauce, then you don't fucking know what you're doing with it. That's the wildest combination. Have you ever had it? I don't know why America decided that was a thing. It's delicious. Hey, straight up, lamb with fucking mint jelly? What the fuck is that? Like applesauce with pork is where it's at. Today on 1950s Recipes...

Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normally Lee Oaks, Wallace Garcia, the unworthy. I dip that bacon in applesauce. Bacon applesauce. I haven't tried that yet. Marlowe, Stampler, the Wilson Swift. Normal fact about normal this week. Normal still has four baby teeth.

What? Yeah. Like in a collection? No, he has them in his mouth still. He's got like, I think two of his front two teeth are still baby teeth and he's got like two molars in the back he's still working on. Oh, he's getting pretty loose though. Oh no.

Oh, no. Did any of you have like late baby teeth? I just did. But like, I remember in like high school, like I had teeth that was loose. I was like, oh my God, I'm losing my teeth. Like it was so late. I'm like, there's no way these are still baby teeth. So like I lost them. Like, I guess I just don't brush my teeth well, but they were still baby teeth. When I was doing my extensive research on this fact, you know, I do a lot of research on character as normal. Leo Swallows Garcia. I discovered that the oldest baby teeth have a record holder was Joyce Whalen, who in 2015 was at the ripe old age of 87.

Whoa. When she had her last baby tooth fall out. Did she die? Was she like Samson when he got his haircut? The moment the teeth came out, did she just fucking die? The poets are going crazy over that fact. At 87, losing my baby teeth. That's the title. Poor sale, baby teeth never lost. Okay. My name is Beth May and I play Scary Marlon, a godfather.

Pothpunk's seeker of darkness who's not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about scary is that one time her mom threatened to... I thought you were going somewhere with that one. No. One time she was in the Amazon looking for spiders. One time her mom, who died in the Amazon researching spiders. No. One time...

Her mom threatened to take Scary to a chiropractor for an attitude adjustment. But Scary was like, fine, take me, take me there. And then now she has some neck pain because she keeps getting her neck adjusted, but the muscles around the neck are not being strengthened. And so she slouches. It's a real problem. And now all the chiropractors are going to come for me, but not in the good way. Yeah.

Beth May, chiropractor fucker. All right. They don't have a... Now all the chiropractors will come for her. Chiropractor, I hardly know her. My mother was fucking chiropractors at the end of some of her years. I'm Anthony Burch, I'm your dad. Hey, dad. I love my dad. My dad wrote a porno.

What? Yeah. Oh, he did. He did. He sure did. Oh, we should start a podcast called that. Yeah. Where it's just you and we watch your porn with you. I can't imagine anything worse. My dad factored in that this might be the last episode. But it might. It might be. It might. I don't know for sure, but it might be. This is like the weirdest form of dramatic suspense I've ever heard. I know. Can you imagine like in a Hitchcock movie, like Hitchcock showed up and was like, this could be the last 10 minutes of the movie. What? What?

So yeah, when we last left you, you were about to fight Willie Stampler. You had summoned the doodler to your side. You had summoned Hermie the Unworthy, or at least a facsimile of him to your side, to pretend to be Willie Stampler to tell the doodler to take off their collar and go back to their home dimension. As you were doing that, Willie kicked up in the door and said, wait, and that's where we left off.

So he's going to say one thing and then we're going to roll initiative. Oh shit. So he's going in hard. Can I take a little long rest before we do that? Sure can't. So there you can wish it. You wish to be right here in heaven. Yeah. Can

Can we all wish for a long rest? Yeah, can we all wish to be level 20? Yeah, if you all want to fall asleep. Can we all wish to be level 20? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We're fucking playing here, okay? I'm not stopping. I'm not no-butting. What was the thing we ate? Twizzlers. Twizzlers! Twizzlers gave us a full rest and we ate them. Okay. Thanks, man. Link's like, I wish I had some applesauce. Okay. Okay.

All right. So on your- Link is eating applesauce right now. Once we are rolling initiative, you can eat a Twizzler on your level. Or applesauce. I hate to be interrupting a lot, but I do have one more important- You do not. I do not. This is literally what you live for. This is why you play D&D. Okay, but this is an important question. As a manufactured wish, does Link have wishes now? What do you mean? Oh, that's a good point. Oh, because he's in the room? Yeah, sure. Great, because I think we did that last episode. Dude, just like the genie in Aladdin.

He doesn't have wishes. That's why it's important to know. Yeah, that's sort of the whole plot of Aladdin. LAUGHTER

That'd be an insane ending. Hey, GD, you could wish. Wait, what? That he just did. Yeah, okay, great. Okay. No more interruptions, I promise. No, it's fine. You can interrupt as much as you want. I'm not being very funny today, so you should interrupt more. Willie says, if you keep doing what you're doing, I'm going to spend the rest of my life torturing your families. What if we kill you, though? Then you can't do that. Mercedes O. Garcia shoots him in the head. Yeah, I think Taylor would be like, this one, this one! And then the bullet pings off of his head. What the fuck? And he goes...

I'm God? Oh, shit. That's right. He is God. Oh. Finally, Taylor thinks to himself, my chance to find and kill God. What I've been dreaming about my entire life. And in this way, Taylor's overall character arc is fulfilled. How do we know whether dude believes which Willie? I'm going to have a roll. Oh. Scary looks at Hermie and is like, say something meaner. Say something meaner than that. Okay. Hermie goes, okay.

None of these people actually like you. They're just around you because of what you can do for them. Oh no, scary. What are you doing? You're super powerful. You have the abilities of a God. That's why they care about you. Not because of who you are. Do you think they'd be spending any time around you at all if you were just another teen? You think they'd actually enjoy your presence? And dude goes, uh, uh.

So I'm going to have them roll. And I was going to say that on one to 10, they believe that Hermie is Willie on an 11 through 20. They believe that Willie is Willie, but because you encourage them to be even meaner on a one through 15, they are going to believe that Hermie is Willie. Okay. All right. So I'm rolling a D 20. Now they got a four.

So that's good for us. That's good. That's good for us. Not for their self-esteem. Not for their self-esteem. No. Are we tracking that? The self-esteem HP? No. Everybody roll initiative right now. So we're going to go into initiative order knowing that the doula believes that Hermie is the real Willis Dambler. Seven plus four, 11 for our hero, Taylor Swift. 18 for Lincoln Lee Wilson.

One plus two, three. Normal got a 19. We told dude to just go home, right? Yes. Yeah. We told them to rip off the collar and go home. So it's Willie's turn. Wait, which Willie? The real Willie. Damn. Stampler. And yes, technically the Hermie doppelganger is named Willie. I think for clarity's sake, we can just say Hermie. Okay. Hermie two. Hermie two. Hermie. Oh, no. Here's what it is. You just do a portmanteau of Willie and Hermie. So Hermie.

Genius. So Willie is going to try to grab dude by the neck by holding on the collar. Kind of like the bad guy in Madame Web, right? Yeah. He does a lot of neck holding. Sorry, we just saw the movie. Oh, you also saw Madame Web. I like that you said Madame Web. I thought it was Madame Web. Madame Web is a spider that owns other prostitute spiders. Oh.

Okay. An 11. Dude is going to resist with an 18. So dude is going to slap his hand away. Hell yeah. And Willie goes, okay, that's not a problem. And he's going to use his move and he's going to leave the room. Oh God. And he's going to slam the door. We guys, we won.

I don't think we won. I know. We still need to stop him. Dude, what did you do? So it is normal's turn. Okay, you guys, send dude back home. Dude, goodbye. I love you. I'm so proud of the crazy, amazing journey we've been on together, and this is going to be a really tearful goodbye for me. But I believe in you, and I want you to be happy and be at home. So go ahead, go home, and know that we all love you. But I'm going to go. I just...

He needs to at least make sure he's not doing something effed up and I'm up next, so I'm gonna go. Normal, normal, normal, normal. Yeah, what's up? Just a quick sidebar. It does seem that if we're going to be fighting a god, that having our one friend who is a god not be here, we're fucked if we try and fight real, Willy. I am going to do an arcana roll to see what I know about fighting gods. Go for it. Oh, so you want to talk to Taylor. I got a 10. So with a 10, you can tell that...

the reason that Willie didn't take any damage from the gun that was shot at him, the gun that was shot at him, the bullet that was shot at him at his face by Mercedes is that whoever God is, is immune to the things that heaven creates. Yeah.

so we can still jack him up you still jack him up normal style all right i'm pretty sure i can still jack him up normal style that's just your way of saying like are you just self-inserting your name in there is that like normal style like normal style that's what i mean oh yeah i got it like both ways actually because i'm normal and because i'm you know i'm gonna do it my way okay and i run out the door after willie okay the door is locked go ahead and give me a strength check anthony

Can I use my, I have a feat, an ill-advised feat that I took. Most feet are ill-advised. I have a feat called charger.

When you use the dash action, use a bonus action to make a melee weapon attack or shove a creature. In this case, I'd like to say the door. If you move at least 10 feet in a straight line before using this bonus action, you either gain a plus five to the damage roll or push the target up to 10 feet away. Look, I'm basically like, can I get like some kind of sauce to charge this door and try to blast it open? If it weren't for the arcana roll, I would say that you have a bonus action left. I feel like the arcana roll was your bonus action. Okay, all right. I'm just going to try to just ram through this door then. Okay. All right, so what is that? That's a strength check. Oh!

I got an 11. An 11. The door buckles, but it holds. Oh! I fall onto the ground. Do I get to do anything else this turn? You can, like, cry in pain and, like, roll around. Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,

so it is link's turn link seeing what normal did decides to do the same and runs to the other side of the room and then in his mind's eye imagines the door as a defender of like chelsea or something like straight up like in the path of him as he's going towards the goal as he's running he's running full speed and i don't know how long the room is but as long enough for as he's running he's saying to dude

dude we love you don't listen to what willie i mean do listen to what her me do listen to what willie said about you being like bad and stuff and that you gotta leave home but like know that the four of us don't think that like we love you okay and then i run full speed now anthony before matt makes his role does he actually summon a burly defender from chelsea by imagining this in this room right now

right now i see no reason not to oh okay who would that be matt i don't know i don't fake fan i don't know any chelsea players david beckham yeah it's david beckham because this is an alternate timeline and in this timeline david beckham hasn't retired he's playing at the age of 50 he's a defender now in the he still looks fucking good he still looks good looks great i roll strength yep

That's a five. All right. So door doesn't even buckle. Somehow normal hitting it with his big old dome did more damage to the door than you did. David Beckham from Chelsea just slaps you down with his hand. He's not supposed to dramatically falls on the ground pointing to his ankle. Oh, and he's looking around like, come on. Mercedes takes out a yellow card to me. Well, come on. It's faking. I watched it happen. You're faking.

It is Hermes' turn. Hermes is going to go, yeah, you piece of shit. You're nothing. You're absolutely nothing. Everything that you are, everything that you are, this entire world is pain. And the only truth is that pain doesn't go away. Pain stays with you for the rest of your existence. And all this world wants for you is pain. And dude goes, okay, I believe you can stop now. Link's just nodding like he's right. This is Drew. It is Taylor's turn. Taylor's going to close his eyes.

And be like, I wish Hero Oak were here. Arms to the teeth with... I'm so sorry, Anthony. I'm going to require you to scroll through a thing real quick. That's okay. Look for anything. Just do a find. Just wanted to say you're a great DM. Anthony, Anthony. You're a great friend. Can you do a search in that? And then just look for the word God.

You can just imagine any weapon you want. Like that's the rules. You're outsourcing your creativity to our fan base. Doesn't Taylor have like an anime sword? Is there a sword that kills God in anime? There's gotta be a God killer sword in anime. Plus remember, literally the first thing he told us was that anything conjured up by heaven, Willie's immune to. So whatever version of the weapon. I would like to take a back step and then ask real quick. I do have a sword, right? You do. You have a sword that's I think specifically good at killing gods. If I remember correctly. It could turn into like any anime sword you want. Yeah.

to say the catchphrase. Yes, you have to say the catchphrase of the character and it turns into a sword from an anime or JRPG. Taylor reaches behind him and does the thing where you like thumb the sword out. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. I've never heard that described on this podcast before. I've never heard someone talk about popping the samurai sword out of the blade before. I don't understand what that is. Are you mocking me, Will? But also, but also as he does so, he goes, I wish Hero were here to see this. Boo!

Oh, God. Hero. God's not here. That's what this is for. Hero. Taylor looks over his right shoulder behind to her in profile because that's where she pops up. She's in front of you, but you still look up. She's in front of me, but I still turn my head around 180. I 180 so that I can position myself correctly for the following maneuver, which is to turn my head over the right shoulder. She's out of focus. It rack focuses to her. Yeah, but I say my line first, which is

Would you like to come with me and kill God? She says, no. Not even a little bit. I fucking hate you. Again, she can't leave the room, Taylor, because you brought her here. Is that how that works? Yeah. So I can't leave the room? No, I mean, no, I don't think so. Don't leave the room. Oh. So then Taylor now digesting that continues his line, which is there's a two-part line goes, watch close. You're about to learn how someone can kill God.

I'm waiting. Taylor takes a step and he goes, and he kicks the door down. All right, roll strength check. Please fail. I'm begging you, gods of dice, please make this man fail. Natural one. No! You kick the door so hard that you fall back on your ass and you break the sword in half. No! No! This was unimportant!

Shit, guys. Okay. Hero, you have to stay now. Look, we need your help. It's like, oh, God. Three of us. Let's take it three of us. Hero, please. Can you please open the door?

door please we can't get through the door to get to god i'm not the chosen one you're the chosen one you have to open the door because you're chosen to do it all right i'm gonna roll okay so here actually shows up in the exactly here in the initiative yeah you can look at it man dnd beyond heard anthony i like to think that by the way that dnd beyond is is granted microphone permissions and they're listening for key phrases when you're playing good to be like all right

You want to fucking go hard on that? All right. So, here goes, Jesus Christ, I have to do everything myself. She tries the doorknob. Yeah, she just opens the door. Oh, my God.

She rolled a 16. The door is open. She goes, cool. Chosen one job done. I've opened the door for you. Hero, thank you. I give her a big hug. You're welcome. I love you. Okay. Good talk. I pat her on the back. She's not done. Like, Hero, we still need your help. She walks out the room. Okay, let's just test. Okay, if I leave, like, you guys wish me back. I don't think we should. Oh, God. You're gone. Oh.

Oh, man. I wish for Link to come back. Boop. He's back. Hey, guys. Yeah, I went back to the cell. But you vomit because it was so nauseating. Oh, God. Twice in a row. Oh, no. It's slightly more visual. You vomit, too, because it's funny. It's a comedy podcast. Okay, so yeah. So me and Hero are, like, stuck here. So can you guys bring God back here? We'll try. Okay. I'm going to try to bring him back. Or... On my turn. Okay. All right. So it is Dude's turn. So Dude goes...

Because I don't really have any friends. I think Willie was right. I think Willie was right, though, about you just kept me around for my powers and stuff. No, no, no. He did. Willie did. Willie did. He's a jerk. We want to help you get home because you miss home, right? Home's where the heart is. And that's where your heart is then.

And why would you listen to a stupid adult? You know, we're teens. We do want them to listen to, I mean, but... Oh, yeah, I mean... Yeah, why would I listen to you then? You told Willie to say the mean thing and then he said the mean thing and it was true. I just said that to... I just... I didn't mean to...

Has dude taken off the bracelets? Dude's hand is on the bracelet. It's okay, dude. Take the bracelet off and then we can explain everything. Dude takes the bracelet off.

and it magically disintegrates in their hand and they are now free potentially of the control of willie stampler real or imagined dude we love you we had to do that just to get you to take it off because the thing said you could only listen to willie and we had to convince you that it was willie but it was all a big goof it was all a sight you're just a big baby it's not that's not none of it's your fault you're just trying your best and like i mean go home i guess or not but like yeah you're you're loved you're you're okay everybody roll persuasion

Ooh. 10 plus 2, 12. I got 24. I say that, dude. Life is not a waste of time. Time is not a waste of life! So let's not waste any time. Get wasted and have the time of our lives, dude! I got 7. No, I mean, maybe dude's right. Maybe we should have, like...

told them this when the collar was still on, you know, if we really believed in them or whatever. But I mean, like, you know, but the collar was like, you know, but okay, that's the past and right now is now, right? And we're sorry and... Dude, I know it's so hard being a teenager, you know, but I think it'll get better maybe. What makes you say that? Your parents are miserable. Yeah. Well,

Well, a lot of people are miserable and a lot of people are like, you know, suffering or whatever or have regrets. But I'm not. I was, but I'm not. And I know I'm not you and you're not me, but I'm just saying like maybe you can come back from feeling like this. So what did you roll when you rolled persuasion? A 12. 12. Okay. I kind of see what you're saying. I think...

I believe normal, though. Normal makes a lot of sense. Yes, normal always makes sense. Say more. Yeah, normal is always right. Say more things, normal. Yeah. Look, dude, you're right. You're right. Our parents screwed up and they made a lot of mistakes. But a lot of that was because they loved us. They're just trying every day to make the world a better place. And that's all we're trying to do.

And I don't know what the future is going to hold. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what's going to happen in five minutes when we go fight Willie, but we're doing this because we want to make the world better. And that's from love. And I got to believe that that kind of love can make the world a better place in the long run. There's no guarantees, but you got to get up and you got to keep trying every single day. Yeah. I mean, they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but right now

We're in heaven. Yeah. Yeah. And dude, if we didn't care about you, like we're about to go fight God and you're really powerful and you know, we would want you to come with us, but it's not your fight, man. So that's why like we care about you. We'd rather you just do what you want to do and go home or stay here, whatever you want to do. Like we just care about you. Like we don't, we don't want to use you for anything. Like all these fucking parents and everybody else has, I

has done for us. I mean, I hope you believe us, but I hope you just do what makes you happy, man. Like Link said, the choice is yours. You're our friend and we don't tell our friends what to do. We try to help them do what they want to do. So dude, the choice is yours. Dude is going to roll. One through 10, dude is going to leave. 11 through 20, dude is going to stick with you and try to fight Willy. Dude got a natural one. So dude says,

I know things have been hard for all of us. And I know that your parents haven't been the best parents and your friends haven't been the best friends. And I've done a lot of bad things. But I think ultimately, I did more harm than good here. And I don't know if I should stick around. But I do know that, you know, you guys, you've made me better.

And you taught me that what I was doing, I didn't have to be doing so much anymore. And I didn't have to be a bad girl and I didn't have to be hurting everybody all the time. And I just, I just want you to know that I appreciate that a lot. I guess I should still go though, because I do kind of screw things up more than I, more than I don't, but yeah,

I think you all could do a lot better than I did because I have faith in you. Some people, they worship me like a god, but I kind of feel like I worship you guys sometimes because you went through so much together and you don't like each other in a lot of ways, but you really love each other in a lot of other ways. And you're married and you're friends and you're a complicated group of people. And I just want you to know that I do believe in you.

A lot. Thanks, dude. Hey, dude, I just hope you forgive yourself. There's, you know, like you said, there's been rough times, but like, you know, it's like my dad always says, sometimes life gives you apples. You just gotta make applesauce out of it. And dude, it's okay to worship yourself every now and then, you know? I want you guys to know that people spend a long time trying to deal with me.

Trying to like control me or get rid of me or any stuff like that. And I just want you to know that you guys are the first people to actually treat me like a person and actually end the cycle. So like your grandparents set something into motion and then your parents made it worse, but you, you finished it.

And I think you should be psyched about that. I give dude a big hug. Hell yeah, my man. Bring it in. Big hug. Group hug. Group hug. Can I hug you? Can we get a big group hug before you go, dude? Yeah, big group hug, please. We love you, dude. Anytime you want to come back and, I don't know, hang out, if that's something you can do, just come over. I don't think so. I think once I'm gone, I'm gone. Okay, well, in that case, we'll see you in our dreams, pal. All right. Z-Crest out. And they think of home.

And they think of the dimension that they came from, a dimension of chaos and darkness and confusion and love and fear and anger. And before your eyes, they begin to fade away. And as they do, they wave at you and they say, I know you can do this. I think you all are going to be all right. And with that, dude twinkles away and is out of existence, as far as you know.

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The universe rumbles around you as somewhere, Willy shakes with rage. With Dude gone, he's lost the ability to travel between the realms, and with it, the power to destroy all of existence. He's still God, and he can still control the angels in heaven, but his nascent dreams of world destruction are over. I hope they're doing okay. Yeah, me too! I mean, it is what it is. They're gone, so now we gotta... Okay, we gotta figure out the task at hand. Like, Willy's gonna kill everybody, or torture everybody, or whatever. Like, we gotta get out. Can I test something? Oh, yeah. Never

Never mind. You guys don't need me. We don't need to test if I can help or not. What do you want to do? Link, what do you mean we don't need you? Okay, well, then give me something to put in my mouth. What? I'm sorry, what? Just give me something. Anything. I take some gum out of my pocket. All right. I put it in my mouth and I run out the door. The gum was not wrapped. Oh, that's okay. I just put it in my mouth and I run out the door. It was not fresh either. So the gum originated from normal, which means that when Link runs out...

He disappears, but gum's suspended in midair for a split second and then falls to the ground. I wish Link back in the room. Okay, what did that prove? There's no gum in my mouth. Okay, I wish for gum. Okay. Can I get a piece of gum? You get a piece of gum. I put that gum in my mouth and I run out the door. The gum disappears along with you. God. Okay, I wish Link back again. All right. I was just trying to see if I could bring something back to my cell. More and more nauseous every time. I was just wondering if I could bring something. Wait a second. I was trying to find a way to escape it, like if I could bring something back to the cell. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second.

What did the inside of your room look like? Just a big empty cell. Was there like a door? Was there a lock? No, there's just like four like kicking walls like around it. What is a kicking wall? What do you mean? It's like it's a big flat surface that you can kick a ball on. But that's just a wall. What makes it a kicking wall? What makes it? Yeah. Well, you can kick a ball at it. Well, OK. OK. All right.

Anthony, I seem to remember there was a keyhole or something. There was a, yeah, there was a door and a keyhole. I have to kick it. One of the walls have a target for you to kick a ball. Oh yeah. Yeah. There's a small target on one, the, on the opening wall. Maybe when you go back, here's something I give link a paper clip from my pocket. Okay. It won't go back with, it won't go back. Oh, that's right. Cause it won't. Cause you'll leave the room. All right. It won't keep it. All right. I could draw it.

The shape of the keyhole in blood on my body. Well, that'll come back, right? Yeah, let's not get to that. I don't think. I was just trying to think of what comes back with me. What about a fingernail? Oh, okay.

Okay. You got long nails? Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Wait, question. Mercedes says, Oh yeah. Mercedes, can you help us? Where do you want him to be? Like we're trying to get him out of the door so that he can help us fight. Willie, do you have any like crystals that could do that? I have a lot of crystals that you don't want to see me use. Why not?

Those are the crystals from Joe, right? Yeah. Joe gave you those crystals. I don't understand what the big deal is. Joe is an adult only friend. You'll learn about Joe, I'd say in a couple of years, you'll probably learn a whole lot about Joe. Man, I'm not going to know who Joe is until I'm 70. You already know. Okay, well, I'm not going to be the one to break that innocence. But I'm just wondering if you could wish to teleport yourself where Link, if you could break him out from there. Wait, wait, wait, yes. What if our wish is to teleport...

And then we'll lose all the effects of this room the moment we're out. But we can teleport to just outside Link's cell. Wait, I have another idea too. Okay, cool. What if I teleport onto the throne of God? What would that do? Could you become God? I don't know. What if we also imagined a boulder so big that God couldn't move it? Oh, I had a thought. Yeah. What is it, Grandma? Leaving this room takes objects from you, but it can't take knowledge.

from you that's true yeah i wish for the knowledge for how to open the door can we okay great so now you know how to pick locks oh now you know how to pick magical locks now you have to go back there because i don't know how to pick the lock

Link. What? You could do the... I wish for Link to know how to pick a magical lock. Now Link knows how to pick magical locks. Now Link has the spell knock. That's pretty cool. You guys know how to pick locks? I know how to pick locks. I wish for the knowledge of history of defeating gods in the past and throughout history. So you get a vision of two time-traveling lesbians stabbing a god to death on his throne. One of them garroting him while the other one stabs him in the face. You have an image of

Like Gnome Chompski being like, actually, we don't really need God anymore. And then God having a heart attack and falling over and dying. And you have histories of all the Greek and Roman gods fighting each other and killing one another using Mortal Kombat back in the day. Is that how they fought? It's straight up 2D, like Mortal Kombat style? Yep. Like a tournament? Immortal Kombat. Shao Kahn oversaw a tournament between the Greek gods? Fuck yeah, dude.

Okay, guys, I know how to pick a lock. Just wish me back if you don't hear from me in a second. Taylor also wishes to be fluent in Japanese. I also wish for the pilot program for a B-12 helicopter hurry. You all get it. Everything you can dream. We're all useful information we could possibly have. Ha ha ha ha!

I want to know both everything they teach you at Harvard Business School and everything they don't teach you at Harvard Business School. I want to get a PhD from Harvard and from the streets. I want to learn the subtle art of not giving a fuck.

So all of you self-actualize and when you exit this room, you're going to be complete characters who have finished your arcs entirely. Yay! So that's one less thing we have to worry about. I look at my three friends and I just give them a knowing nod like, we've learned a lot on this journey. I just nod. Link!

Yeah. Goodbye. Bye. I wish for Link to get out of here. Oh, so Link returns to Link's cell. And I do a lock picking game, like the best one from all video games. Convince me that you have something on your personal already that would allow you to help start picking a lock. Okay. Yeah. I fucking only use one of my fucking shin guards. I fucking take out the plastic from my shin guard. Or a ball pump has the little needle at the end. Yeah. Link always carries a ball pump with him too. Yeah.

I like that. Yeah. I like that. And just so that my cool ideas also use as I get the needle, but then I also break the plastic and the shin guard into a bunch of sharp shards. I think we did say you used both your shin guards last time to cast freedom of movement twice. Fine. Yeah, sorry. You made a big deal out of it, too. You're right. You're right. You're right. Okay, I take the ball pump and I chew it and bend it with my strong baby teeth that I haven't lost yet. Hey, what? What?

And I pick the lock. So the door opens onto a 300 foot sheer drop into an ocean of paperwork. Um, you stop yourself, you stop yourself from falling down, but you are now free of the room and you can see a bunch of rooms next to you, the room of your dad and all the other people. And, but the lock pick breaks. Okay, good.

I work alone. So I want to share a clip and it's just the paper balloon. Tommy Lee Jones is behind you telling you not to jump. I go, this one's for my flippy boys and I do a perfect dolphin jump. Okay. A dolphin dive. A dolphin dive. I just look like all the best characters from Assassin's Creed and I fly down. Feels like an athletics check.

To what? Not fall? Like he's going to fall. It's just a big ocean of paper. You look stupid if you fail. You gotta dive the right way or you break your neck or something. Okay, yeah. If you do this wrong, you'll break your neck. Yeah, let's risk our character breaking their neck diving into a motion of paper. I'm just trying to juice it up a little bit, baby. I got 20. Nice. 13 plus 7. Perfect dive. Nary a splash of paper up as you penetrate the surface of the ocean. Hey, Daryl, did you hear that splash? He finally is believed.

What? What? He made it. I think that's Link. Was he going to help us out? Nah. I guess not. I heard the lock break. Oh, well, fuck. They're telling their own story now. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, Ron, you're here too? Yeah. Guys, I think one of the things we need to learn as grandparents is sometimes, you know, like our time is done. Yeah, that's a good point. You know, and we should carry that forward in all of our things. Like if we're like voting for policies, we should think about things that will help the younger generation, not us. Like our time's done. Darryl, you really learned a lot. Yeah, I'm just saying like it's their time. Like we should just sit here and retire. That just reminds me that I should keep talking about environmentalism no matter how annoying people find it because eventually they'll wear

down and let them. And Dane goes, oh my god. See, Anthony, even the original dads can not be funny sometimes. Link is just doing the Gattaca swimming, just swimming. Oh, dad.

Just hoping. No, he just feels instinctually. Also, one of the things he did was he wished for all the knowledge of the map of heaven. So you know how to swim back to shore. Yeah, I know how to swim back to shore. You don't leave any for the way back. So I'm going. I guess we're running to go confront Willy, right? Is that the plan? Yeah. We're back in the room. We're like, okay, I think it worked. Link's gone. We got to meet up with him. I...

really quick is it shitty if I wish for like a long rest or something I just can't do any spells yeah we got Twizzlers don't worry about it I'm about to ask for a lot more than a Twizzler thank you

As I'm swimming full speed across this ocean to our rendezvous point that we planned ahead of time, can I do a roll for something? You have to ask me something more specific than that. I'm not going to give you. I'm going each by inch, you know, for the door. Give me your fucking role. No, I mean, I'll tell you what I'm going to roll for. I want as I'm swimming, I want to be glancing through the papers. And what I'm looking for is just any name that feels like a warrior.

I just want to gather as many. An army of warriors? They don't have their name? Like, I just want to be swimming and just grabbing papers of people that feel strong. Like, I'm like, yeah, that'll be a good person because then we'll get all their information. We can just gather like as much of an army as we can. What's this? Madame Web? Madame Web? Yeah, you can roll for that. Sure. Go ahead and roll. What am I rolling? Just a straight D20 roll or an Arcana roll up to you. Got it.

I got 10. All right. So with a 10, you find Madame. What was that? The dolphins. You know, I got the whole thing. No, I know. But they taught me how to swim really fast and look for powerful names. That's their job. Their job is to swim really fast and look for powerful names. Their job is to sort the papers in heaven. Which implies that like,

Flippy and Chester are the pinnacle of names in their opinion, which they might be.

I got a 10. So you got a 10, which means that the name that you see is Chugs McCray. I got one person. Sorry, it's not even that cool. It's Chugs Macrame. Macrame. Which was sent to us by Ox McCray. Thank you, Ox. I'm glancing. I'm looking left and right. I'm like, look at all these names. Just shaking my head. Not, not this, not this. And I see the same again. Chugs Macrame. I just fucking like, I don't even slow down to grab it. I just go straight into my mouth. I'm just like gripping it like a fucking like knife and a pirate. I'm like, this is the person that we're fucking bringing with us.

Okay. I wish for a Twizzler. Normal looking at Taylor and Scary and his mom says, we're about to go fight God. This may be the last snack break we have as a group. Ooh, snacks. And I just want to say,

I just, I wish Link was here, but I just want to say you guys are great. And it's just, it's been a pleasure. And I hold my Twizzler up like a cool sword, like the three musketeers. And I say to the team, let's touch tips. Let's touch tips. Go teens. Go teens. Yeah. Go teens. Go teens. Go teens. Mercedes says, actually, orange slices are much healthier snack if you want to. Shut up. You're not a teen. Okay. Jesus. Jesus.

Is the Twizzler a long rest or a short rest? Long rest. Yay. I needed that. I was half HP. So after you awaken from your Twizzler coma, let's say that that's enough time for... Oh, do we actually pass out? I think you pass out for a little while. Let's say that's enough time for... What are in these Twizzlers? For Link to have slammed... No, you're going to be at the shore. Yeah, I was going to say for you to reach the shore. You guys are waiting at the shore. You're just waving. He's like, where is he?

Wait, there. It's like it's first. You just see the fucking ripples from the waves and you don't even know what you're comprehending. Something's coming, guys. Look on the horizon. It's just like a spray of paperwork. Yes. You see this wave and like it's been like I'll say like nine to heaven hours because I've been swimming across the whole ocean. You see the fucking spray of paper and Link comes leaping out now completely nude and

and bloody with thousands and thousands of paper cuts. Oh, no. He's just, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Okay. Shit.

Oh, fuck. I was just swimming through endless just names, just every person who's ever lived just lives and dreams and hopes. And, you know, at the end of the day, like, everybody's like, let's just do our best. I'm just saying, like, we've all... That's all you got? Yeah, it's just, guys, it's just... I feel like I've been so hard on myself. It's like everybody's like... At the end of the day, we're all just paper and the wind getting kicked by the foot of a really strong 6'3 soccer player. So, like...

It's fine. It's just fine. I don't know. I felt like before I was like, we're all just dust and I was like all miserable about it. And I still kind of am, but like also at the same time, maybe that's just what, anyways, I just had a lot. I just had a really big experience. So you're saying that you're long swim through every name of human existence. Everyone who's lived, breathed, and died on Earth.

on this earth has given you great profound insight. Did you find any weapons that could kill God? No, but I did find this one. We were on the same page, Kelly. I knew what you were thinking. Literally. Let's get an army of warriors. And as I was swimming, I was looking through, I found some names that seemed pretty strong, but not that strong. But then I was like, you know what's better than an army of warriors? One strong warrior. So here he is. I got the perfect one. Pretty sure.

And I hold up. What's his name again? Chugs Macrame. Chugs Macrame. Holy shit. His name is radiant off of this list. My guy can barely look at it. How did you find such a powerful treasure, Link? Well, the dolphins taught me how to swim in water and also look for strong warriors.

It says occupation accountant. There's going to be an accountant in the books of heaven today, my friends. Link, I'm really proud of you. It seems like you really used that time wall to reflect. And so for that, you can put this sticker right next to your Toctopus sticker. And I hand you a sticker that says 100.

Good job. Oh, 100. Good job. 100. Good job sticker. That's because you did a good job. Thanks, guys. That's really cool. So next time you feel like you're not doing a good job, you look back and you'd be like, I know how to do a good job. Hey, guys, speaking of doing a good job or a bad job, now I'm looking at this guy as an accountant. I think I did bad. No, you did good.

No, we don't know. I feel like we shouldn't bring this. Hey, we can write it off. I feel like we shouldn't bring this port. That's pretty good, Scary. Thanks. I feel like we shouldn't drag this poor innocent man into this fight against God. Grandma, and I hand Mercedes O. Garcia. Yeah, we already got Great Warrior. I found her. It's Mercedes. I found, first of all, I found Great Warrior. Grandma, we're going to go confront Willie. Can you look and see if this Chugs guy is legit? And if he is, bring him back. And if not, come back and help us. Sure. That's a good call. Hey.

You know what? I made a mistake. Not a problem, grandson. Okay. It happens. Yeah. Right? It happens. It happens. Yeah. And you move forward. Move forward. All right. Let's go kill God. Shit happens. Or Willie. Let's stop calling him God. That gives him power. Fuck that guy. Let's go kill Willie. What a dumb name. Okay, but really quick. What a dumb name, Will. Will.

What an idiot. Seems like somebody might be some cool guys with that name. Cool guys. You know, Willie Nelson. You know, Willy Wonka. Willy Wonka killed kids. Nothing cooler than that. Nothing cooler than that. Okay. Wait, before we go, guys.

Have we taken like four seconds to think about how the fuck we expect to kill God? Yeah, I took nine hours thinking about it. Okay, and then you came up with an accountant, but like us, guys, what's the strategy here? Well, I think somebody's got to become God.

I think we've got to get one of us on that throne. I got it. Wait. Good call. Because you can sneak onto it. They always say to kill monsters lest you become monsters, but they never said if you're going to kill God, don't become God because obviously that would be pretty cool to become God. So I think you're right. You become God to kill God. So it's a battle not with monsters lest you become a monster, which means to battle a monster, you've got to become a monster. That's true. So that sounds like we need to run a diversionary tactic to get one of us, me, on the throne of God. And if you're on the throne, we're all on the throne because we're married. That's true.

That's true. That's true. We all have one soul, I think. I don't know how it works. According to heaven, under the eyes of God, we are united as one. Guys, that was all a trick, by the way. I did find the most powerful warriors, and I hold up our marriage certificate from heaven. Oh, my God.

How's he going to get this framed? That reminds me. We forgot once again about Hermie. Is he still with us? What's going on with Hermie? Like, will he stay with Hermie too? You didn't ask for him from heaven. You cast him as a spell, so he is still with you. And he goes, no, I'm used to this by now. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. Is he still thinking he's like Willy? You need to get out of that character. No, no. I shook that free ones dude left. Oh, man. What a throw. What the fuck?

You're not method of Hermes right now. Okay. Maybe we could use Hermes to gaslight Willy into thinking he's Hermes and he's forgotten. What? Do you know what I mean? Hermes. I mean, Willy. Hermes and Willy. I'm Hermes. Hermes and Willy. Do you think you could act so hard you could convince someone else that you were them and they were you and you had gone too deep?

No. Yeah. Normally. Yeah. Yeah. Normal. That seems pretty fucking wild. I'm sorry. I believe in my friend. No, I know. It's just in the situations where it's like, oh, don't shoot the real one. Which one's the real one? Like the person knows who they are. It's like the other people don't. I don't know. You know, when that happened to me. That's true. That's true. Hey, it was a good idea. Just like an accountant was, you know, maybe an idea. Normal. Normal. You don't have to. You don't have to feel bad for that. We can all make stupid ideas.

Well, I still think it was a good idea. It just seemed like the world wasn't ready for it. It was a good idea. Yeah. There we go. Just not right for the moment. That's fair. The right idea at the wrong time. Well, wait. Hermie can still, like, I've got a stupid idea. I'll have a stupid idea to make you feel better. Yeah, it's okay to have stupid ideas. That's what this is. Yeah. What if we got Hermie to, like, suffocate Willie while pretending to be a body of water? Because Willie's real stupid.

I don't think I can pretend to be bodies of water. That's small actor brain thinking. Don't some of you have spells for creating and destroying water or something? Or you could just like... No, that's normal. Normal, you're right. Your idea wasn't stupid. Like scary, like, because the water thing is you're saying that he is scared of water. Yeah. So that does seem useful. He doesn't want to be submerged in water. He doesn't want to be submerged in water. Because he's a little baby, he doesn't want to swim.

Is there a large body of water in heaven? I mean, besides the paper? That doesn't really count, though, right? Well, can we change the paper into water? Do we have a spell to do that? So I have a spell called create or destroy water. I can create up to 10 gallons.

okay doesn't seem like enough to submerge a fully grown man mercedes says i don't know that seems like a lot if you could keep his head still yeah yeah right if you can somehow get the head it's enough to submerge your head like a swirly or a waterboarding scenario wasn't somebody talking that like there was swimming pools or something in heaven taylor was telling us about his friend that you know no offense that mrs uh oaks garcia shot um that beat a lot in pools the

He filled several pools with swimming. We could teleport him to the piss pool, but here's the problem is that once we get him in there, he's in a room where then he can also imagine whatever he wants. Yeah, no, we need water here. Ten gallons is something. I wonder, do we have like a multiplying spell? No, we need to hold the ten gallons in something. Okay. So, but fortunately, I think...

My teeny the teen head would hold that much water if we sealed it up. Oh, trapping him in a head of water. This sounds like a job. That's like medieval shit. For hot glue. And then I plug in my glue gun to heat it up to seal. Sorry, there's no outlet to have him. Hey, I have a glue gun that has an internal store battery. Oh.

So that you can turn it on. Please, you think I rock a glue gun that doesn't have an internal store battery? I am shocked. I thought you were about to say that we should hold the piss in our bladders. No, no, I was thinking that. And then drown him in our bladders? Yeah. In our bladders. We waterboard Willie with our own piss. We train him to be a surgeon. He cuts us open. Surprise, there's piss. Surprise, there's piss in your...

Okay, so Normal draws his cordless glue gun and I would like to seal the Teen High helmet. Now, I don't know if I actually have it with me anymore. We've been pretty fast and loose about whether I have this thing. Here's what you probably have is you probably have a travel-sized deployable collapsible helmet. Oh, yes. I've got the Mark V with me. Like the one in the suitcase

fucking iron man too. I take out my suitcase iron man teen to teen outfit and I take the head and I caulk it with glue to try to seal it as water tight as I can. I love the idea. Here's how it works is that it's one of those ones where the head like collapses into a flat thing and you go and it like pops out in the open. Perfect. So it is now basically the neck stump has been closed? No it's just I wanted like the eyes and like there's a mask for me to breathe in so I sealed all that up with glue and then I test whether or not it can hold 10 gallons of water.

Okay. Hand-held water weighs a lot. Yeah, we would do like a... I don't know where we'd get this in heaven. Like almost like a silicone seal so you could like sink your head in. Yeah, yeah. And then it would like seal it around his head. Or we hold him upside down in the water. Is there a way to get him upside down? But it'd be good if we could just like slam it on his head. Yes, that's true. Oh, you know what we could do is a little bit of paper mache because we got all that paper. Oh, yeah. No, it's true. Deteriously, the best thing to hold water in is paper. We're going to seal it up with glue.

I think, and I also think that, uh, Taylor has like cosplay arts and crafts skills. Normal. I've always wanted to make something with you in the cosplay sense. Really? Yes. Okay. All right. Cause I've always thought the costume could have some, you know, improvement. Well, let's not, let's not say things we can't take back. Yeah. What we'd like to do is fashion a, basically like a perfect, like neck seal around this thing, like a sparklets jug.

you could essentially, like, with one quick move, tip it over onto his head, and he would be, like, the base of the sparklet's jug. And we only need it for a second, right? Because we're just trying to distract him to get onto the throne of God, at which point one of us ascends to God. I mean, yeah, but if we drown him so much, the better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does anybody have, like, a Jansport backpack or anything? Do we have any, like, better materials? Any old teens got a Jansport? Yeah, I do. I don't know why I asked if anybody else did that.

Sure. Why not? I would say you could use the fabric of a backpack to be the hole or whatever. Yeah, we're going to just try to scrounge miscellaneous fabrics. I've got a bunch of patches on my jeans because they were all shredded and I was like, oh, I'll patch them up. I was thinking those burned jeans look pretty cool. Yeah, thanks. Did you burn them yourself or do you buy them like that? Well,

Well, you know, some mysteries are better left. I bought them like that. That's cool. Give me a roll to see how well you can construct this. What would that be like survival? Yeah, I think so. It's like science lab roll. Science lab roll. Yeah, this is like high school science. I feel like fourth edition half-life. Oh, being the science guy. I rolled a 19. Great. So you make a human sparklets jug so that once that thing goes on somebody's head, it will submerge them entirely in water, but it will, in the meantime, leak no water.

Great. Okay, so we step back like, whew, can't believe we got that perfectly watertight with the available goods around us. The available goods and services. ♪

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10 gallons of water weighs 83 pounds. Okay. Good to know. Yeah. I could lift that easily. I bet you could. You're strong and capable. Oh, thank you. We have step one. While we were doing this, did Mercedes maybe scout out to meet our good friend Gooch McWeatherfin or whatever his name was? Chugs Macrame. Chugs Macrame. Yeah. Chugs implies that this person knows his way around water. Okay.

Yeah, he does a lot about water. He goes, yes, I'm an accountant and an Olympics pool swimmer. I love to swim in my spare time. Hi, I'm Chugs Macrame. And he holds out his hand. How much of a warrior does Chugs Macrame look like? He looks like...

An Olympian. An Olympian. Like, was he on the hundred? Oh, it's several minutes. I go real slow. It slows down the race. I like to do some light cardio every so often. Well, Chugs, Mr. Chugs, I swam through all... He's wearing glasses. He's got a big old mustache. He looks extremely intimidating. I swam through all the names of heaven. Wowee. And I... Yeah. Yeah.

I was looking for the strongest warrior and I grabbed your name and I told my friends that you were the strongest warrior. Did I make a mistake? I think that was very flattering. I think I'm a great warrior when it comes to number crunching. When it comes to number crunching. Hey, we never know. Bring him in. Do you want to fight God with us? Oh, do I? I would love to.

I would love to be there for your final battle. Chugs heads, join the party. Chugs joins the party. Chugs, you're in. Chugs is a level 20 accountant. Yeah. Anything that requires math. Anything that requires math, numbers, or swimming. Chugs is the one who tells us that 10 gallons weighs 83 pounds. Hey, Chugs, how much does 10 gallons weigh? 83 pounds. Wow, okay. That's going to require at least two people to carry. You didn't even ask him 10 gallons of what. He knew. He knew we were talking about water. He's smart. He listens to his clients. Of course.

10 gallons. Well, cool. We got Chugs. We got Mercedes. Hey, Chugs, I have a lot of freelance work coming in. Should I be doing those as 1099s or is it worth starting an S-Corp? Definitely start an S-Corp and then do a lot of things that are not quite legal to make your tax income seem less than it is. Chugs. Chugs is like, there's a difference between tax avoidance and tax fraud. Like, I knew Chugs was a warrior. Oh,

All right, Chugs. All right, Chugs, you're in. I guess the plan now is we attack Willie. Yeah. I think we just attack the throne of God. And if Willie doesn't show up, then great. Then we just hop on it. But assuming Willie does show up. Assuming Willie's there, which we have to assume. Yeah. He'd be an idiot not to be. Okay. We'll throw this on his head. Well, I guess he is now, then. I had other plans. Is there a roof over heaven?

No. Is there a roof over the room? It's like the thing you say with your high will.

I was just going to say, I was just going to say, if there's some way to get someone above, like hanging above, we could cast spider climb on someone. We could get a spider boy above with the head. And then all they have to do is drop down onto Willie with the head. Could we like commandeer an angel? Well, I could use my familiar. I've got one. You got a familiar? What's a familiar? Yeah, scary whistles.

I can't whistle, so it's just imagine there's the... Yeah, it sounds like that. Scary's such a good whistler. Thanks. And you see Rogue come back. What? Yep. And he's like Puff the Magic Dragon. Not Puff the Magic Dragon. Peach Dragon? He's like the Neverending Story Falcor.

He's huge, but he can get small if he wants. What's a familiar? What do you mean? Where did this guy come from? Where did this good boy come from? Wait, do we all get pets in heaven? Like two sentences. What's the whole deal with this? Two sentences.

Taylor, what's your run? I'm just saying, summarize it for anyone who might be, you know, like, a little bit lost. I'm curious what's going on. Yeah, sure. So when Ron looked at me right before he went into jail or whatever, he gave me the Find Familiar spell. And I said it in that episode. You did. You did. Troll the tape. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

And so Ron whistles. Because I have Pact of the Chain, I have the Find Familiar spell. I'm not going to use it, but I have a familiar now. Wait, so you're like a pet? This is yours? He's like a pet, but he's so much more than that. I feel like I'm not. Okay. I feel like this could have come in handy before now. Okay, sure. I was just.

Okay, I'm kind of scared of dogs, okay? Oh, that's okay. Rogue's a good boy. Yeah, he is a good boy. I mean, he did murder like 100 people in front of us. Yeah, that's, yeah. Yeah, he's still got blood on all of his fur and stuff. But you know what they say, it's always the owner, not the dog. So it probably was Ron's fault. He's okay to not be on a leash.

So he's friendly. Oh, maybe too friendly. So this is great. This is good. Broken fly. Broken fly. So we can like airdrop this. Yes. One of us will be on rogue. We'll dive off and airdrop onto Willie. The sparklets junk. You won't even see it coming because the rest of us are keeping him busy on the ground. And then while all that's going on, I'll stealth in and get onto the throne of vultures.

God. Taylor makes a sneaky play for heaven. I think Scary wanted to go on the throne. No, it's okay. I don't want that. Here's my point. I'm going to do a set. I think you two should rock, paper, scissors it. I'm saying we should all try. That's true. I'd like to roll an insight on whether Taylor wants the throne a little too bad. Please do. Taylor, you have to tell the truth.

Is this Borbier? Yes, yes. This is 100%. But what could I do once I'm on that? I could remake the world. I could remake the world. Hey, Taylor, I feel like maybe, like, I just...

you know, being God's a lot of responsibility. Yeah. And I feel like maybe like, you wouldn't have as much time to watch anime. Yes. Fucking dumbest shit I've ever heard. God, Taylor is the best. Taylor, Taylor. Yes. Don't listen to these idiots. Yeah. You're the best and the strongest of us. I wink at the other dude. You got to take the right approach.

Yeah, no, you should definitely do the throne of God because you're the strongest and the best warrior of us. Obviously, obviously. Oh, man, I just really worried that I'm going to mess up the hardest part of the job, honestly, which is this airdrop, this final strike against Willy, this massive anime...

Can you remind, like, it's just such a big, I'm trying to think about it. I'm going to be flying on a flying dog with a weapon crafted in heaven. I'm going to leap and put it on the head of God. And I just, is there any anime? Because it sounds like such an anime thing. When you look down, Taylor's hand is already on top of your hand in a comforting, like, hey, man, just chill. And then his other hand, he's zipping up his flies, like, added a little bit of piss to the head box. Oh, well, that...

Gave it a little bit of Taylor juice. I was one. Oh, yeah. Juice this one up before the final ride. I wasn't concerned about the level of liquid. Don't worry, Link. I made that little Taylor spice. Link, we need you to do the big drop. Come here, Rogue. And Taylor's not, like, covered in blood. Rogue, you and me. He was covered in blood. Because he nuzzled Rogue. Oh, and Rogue's covered in blood. That's what I meant. Okay, I believe him.

You're right, Link. I am the strongest warrior of you all. And it is only fitting that to the strongest go spoil the war. Scary. You'll be the one to make a break for the throne. But after you're done, I just want like five to ten seconds on the throne. That's cool. Thanks. Anyway, I'll handle Rogue if you will let me. Well, he's my familiar, so I don't know how that would work. But how's that going to work? Well, you two, maybe you both fly on Rogue.

And you airdrop onto Willy and you airdrop onto the throne. I just give Rogue basic obedience, you know, like commands or, you know, really requests. You like sit, stay, fly, that kind of thing. And as long as he can hear me, maybe he'll do it. There we go. That makes sense to me.

And then the rest of us will fight Willy while Gary tries to get on the throne. I mean, I guess we all will try to get on the throne, but we'll prioritize. Like, that's the play, though. We're doing like a play. What could go wrong? This is a real fucking Hail Mary pass, but don't worry. When you got Captain Taylor on the helm, there's only one way this can go. Tits up, baby. That's not. That means bad. That's the bad way. I've been saying that my whole life. You shouldn't say it either. It's rude.

This is a weird, just aggressive thing to say. This explains quite a lot. All right. Before we do this. Yes. Chugs, crunch the numbers. What's our odds of success? But also never tell us. He's already got the really long manual calculator. We have to go. Ch-ching.

like and pull the lever and it keeps making his paper go up. Chuck appears to be an accountant from a different era. He's from the 1920s. Oh, God. And he goes, looks like you can make five cents on every dollar. I don't know if I would say that this is the most profitable enterprise I've ever seen, but I believe in you kids. Oh, wow. Okay, your voice changed. Because I'm from the 1920s now. I just realized that.

Once he goes into accounting mode, he just becomes a different person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you've heard accounted voice. It sounds like this. Chugs, you're all right. I know. So, Chugs, what are you going to do during the fight? I've got to crunch the numbers, I guess. I don't know. What the fuck do you want me to do? We need you to do a little less crunching the numbers and a little more crunching them bones. Yeah. All right. I guess I'll dig deep into my swimming and accounting background and put up my dukes and see if I can fight against the heavenly host of God. Hey!

Hey, bud. Well, let's add to, we asked you, we asked you, we asked you if you wanted to come and fight God. And you said, yeah. It's like, if you don't, you don't have to, but like, you know, if you're in, you're in now, here's the thing. Hermie. Hmm.

Somebody say my name? Hermitoo. We gotta remind ourselves every five seconds. Still Hermitoo, baby, where it counts. Hermitoo. I still don't know where it counts. He says patting himself on the head. Hermitoo. What? Perhaps the most difficult role. You'll need to convince Willie that I am down there.

Not flying. Oh, that's good. You really think he's going to notice if you're not around? Yes. My outsized presence. Taylor doesn't hear any of that. My outsized presence will be sorely missed. That sort of cocky swagger. He'll clock in immediately. Do you think you have what it takes? Yeah, I think Hermes should act exactly like Taylor Swift. Gee, I don't know. Suddenly he's behind you and goes, can I? He looks like you now. My God. What a looker.

Yeah, you don't see anything. Look at yourself sometimes. Gosh, I gotta say, this is really impressive. Just the pecs, the aesthetic, the pork pie. What's going on? Now I'm seeing myself. What's going on? Now I'm seeing myself. I kind of just want to... What's going on? Turn around real quick. Let me see what I look like. Oh, wow. What's going on? Hey, this is Steve. I'd love to watch you leave. You're both leaving Joe. Who is Joe? All right, let's go. Let's go. This is too much. Let's go.

Step one, separate Taylor and Ernie. And then step two, we fight God. Okay, so I'm going to say that as you approach the throne of God, you can get to a place where you can see what's going on, but they can't see you just for the sake of... We sneak up. Yeah, you sneak up. I think it starts with Taylor in the sky as high up as you can. That's true. I gave Taylor a little tiny mirror so we can do a little... Signal mirror. We did a little signal mirror to each other. So we look up in the sky, you see nothing, but you see a little flash that's like...

It's like the little Team Rocket lens flare coming at you in perfect Morse code, which Taylor studied once. So Taylor, you see and then translate to Morse code for the rest of the group. Willie is pacing back and forth in front of the throne of God. His hair is disheveled. He looks unhinged. For all the world, looks like a man who has lost what mattered most to him, which was power. You see 10 angels floating around him. You also see a bunch of other humanoid figures next to him. And when you squint,

you realize arrayed around him are all of your parents. Grant, Marco, the rest of them. Even Scary's biological dad is here. And you hear Willie say, your fucking kids ruined everything. And I'm not going to take it out on them because that's too fucking easy.

What I'm going to do instead is he snaps his fingers and all of your parents start to writhe in agony on the ground. They start to scream. They start to squeal. Tears run down their faces. He's doing something to them that is hurting them very badly. And he looks up into the sky. He screams. He says, you took dude from me. You took my only ability to be a God. He took the one thing that mattered the most to me. So I'm going to take the one thing that matters the most from you.

I'm going to spend the rest of my fucking eternal life up in heaven torturing your parents. And if I see a single one of you, they're going to die. So you either get to live the rest of your life knowing that I'm torturing your parents and it's your fault for taking away dude, or you get to try and attack me and do whatever stupid plan you've got planned. And I'm going to kill them right in front of you. So it's up to you kids. And just to prove I'm serious.

Okay, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to write down 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. I think there's roughly 10 people that are all of your parents. And I'm going to roll a d10 right now. And then he's going to kill one of them at random. Wait, like, so Marco, like, all of our parents? All of your parents. Okay. Wait, like, really, really, like, for real killing them? Yeah.

Okay, so he is going to snap his fingers and one of your parents is going to be dead, permanently dead, not in heaven, not in hell, just nothing and nowhere. And that parent is Normal's mom. So Rebecca disappears entirely. Mom! And he goes, your move. Our days whisked away, but is there something more to say? Know that no one knows us better than ourselves.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlowe and myself, Freddie Wong, is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing, including the intro for this week's episode. Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Our show is supported by a Patreon, and our Patreon contains names like Ilana Grossman, Wally Clark, Annie,

Crystal Denton, Simon Schoenbeck, Michael Munford, Georgia Bowers, SJB, Corey Gassett, Patrick Tanner, Riley Wesson, Maddie Christensen, Nancy Chansey, Rasmus Ehrentoft, Ali, Ivy Gore, Nathan Dowie, Ridley, Grace Perrine, and Michael B. Keene. Can you feel it? We're getting close to the end of season two, but don't fear, there's plenty of content for you to consume on our Patreon. That's at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. On it, you will find all sorts of bonus episodes, bonus one-shots, our

our after show talking dad for season one and teen talk for season two i can hardly recommend our numerous one-shot mini series some of which are tied into the story of this show like at the mountains of dadness which is played in the call of cthulhu system and others of which have nothing to do with the show such as all that jizz a star wars one it's a it's a star wars mini series and it's

It's horny as hell, dog. Find that and more at our Patreon, patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Merch shop is back, so head on over to our website at dungeonsanddads.com. Click on the link to the store at the top. Get yourself a deck of daddy things, which is back in stock. The Odyssey dice set and numerous items of apparel. Our next episode is coming at you March 26th. We will see you then. ♪ We gotta pick ourselves up today, no not today ♪ ♪ Before tomorrow makes the UK change ♪

Why does Bugs Bunny tunnel? That doesn't make any sense. He's a rabbit. But rabbits don't... Yes, they do. They have burrows, dude. He doesn't just live in like a Greek opera all the time. Okay, I'm just saying the Looney Tunes show. Shut up. Bugs Bunny's house is a craftsman home. Okay, okay.