S2 Ep. 51 - Cool Hand Linc
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That's BlueNile.com. Dungeons & Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Anime Ham. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? Do you know it, Peter? You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kinds

Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

What's in a name? In ancient Egypt, they believe that knowing the name of someone gave you power over them. Last time, we made the clutch move to run a little experiment to put that concept to the test. We took a simple piss wizard, changed his name to Willie Stampler, and the results were mind blowing. Literally.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. You moron. What do you think you're doing? That's a little hard out the gate. Sometimes I feel a little spicy, guys. Oh, sorry. He's just feeling spicy so he can say mean things.

Watch out. He's feeling spicy. He's really weaponizing that therapy language. He might rear-end you in a car. Is spicy therapy language now? I saw a TikTok ad. I almost threw my phone across the room because it said... Oh, my God. Neuro-spicy. Are you feeling... Is your brain feeling a little spicy as like their way of describing like, hey, you might be... You might be... Is he, you know...

This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. It's a spicy Dungeons and Dragons podcast. That's what we are. We're a spicy Dungeons and Dragons. Spicy brains are here to play Dungeons and Dragons. Four spicy brains and Freddy are here to play. As best we can. This is a story of four teens from our world who are from our world originally. Hey guys, if this podcast was a spice, it'd be human like coming. Do you know what I mean?

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like cumin, but C-U-M-I-N. Cumin does sound like human and cum. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny, I guess. Okay. Shaking the rust off. Yeah. Gotta shake loose. Gotta... Go ahead, Freddie. Stick and move. Stick and move. Four teens from our world who need to fix our world after all their grandparents jacked it up. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift.

the... It's been a bit. I need to look at my character sheet. The tiefling rogue, once former ranger, now roguish in his complexion and sensibilities. His complexion? What's wrong with that? What is a roguish complexion? Careful. It's like one eyebrow is permanently like, yeah, you know? Oh, he's got DreamWorks face. DreamWorks face. The whole time Taylor's had DreamWorks face? And a pork pie hat. Will, get it right. I've never heard the term DreamWorks face. That's really good. I love it and I hate it so much. That's perfect.

Taylor's teen fact for this week. I'm going to do one more real life thing, which is probably the biggest difference between the Taylor Swift we all know and love and the Taylor Swift the musical world all knows and loves is that I'm not sick of hearing about our Taylor Swift. Our Taylor Swift would never hop on a plane back from Japan. I don't care if it's the Super Bowl. He's in Japan, baby. It's anime central. He's not coming back here for nothing. No matter

No matter who he's going out with. No matter how important a big game is. Taylor's staying there, right in Akihabara, and hitting up all the maid cafes and an occasional cat cafe. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. Hi, Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson Oaks Garcia Malo Swift. Malo? Love it. The little guy from Super Mario RPG. Yes.

Yes. That's what I was thinking. I just beat that game a bit ago. Anyways, really quick. I want to get into the game, especially since I'm just stuck in a room and I don't have anything to do with this episode. Quick fact about Lincoln. He only has one poster on his wall that is not a soccer poster or one thing hung up on his wall. It's not a soccer poster. And it is his graduation certificate from his school, which is just he won best son and best student award from the two principals.

They're both principals of the school. They share principals, yes. Co-principals. One of them is the dean of discipline and the other one is the dean of academics. Co-principal sounds like a scientific theory. I think that means you've got to introduce yourself next. I think Larry just snuck his way up the order. How did that happen? What a boss clutch move, right? Fine.

Okay. Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Scary Marlow, who's currently playing Larry the Science Kid. Yeah. Go, Larry. That's what the kids say every time he shows up in school. Can I catch a ride with you later, Larry? Larry doesn't go to school. He already knows all of it. That's true. Why would he go to school? He just sits outside. Larry's got some pretty fucked up opinions on the public education system. Larry's just got to be on his phone scrolling through.

He doesn't have time for school. Okay, but scary. Larry's like, charter schools gives parents choice.

Fun fact about scary today, because it's raining, the scary doesn't use an umbrella ever. Checks out. Yeah, she doesn't. Does she deflect her face up a little bit so whatever mascara gets that sort of gothy smear going on? Do you know what I mean? Sure will. Come in and do my fact better than me. Yeah.

My first day back at work with the boys. Keep up.

Okay, Will, introduce yourself. It's time for Will Campos to say hello. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normal Lee Oak Swallows, Garcia Malo, Mario Master Chief. Fun fact about normal. I can't imagine your last name was Mario Master Chief when you went to school. God, all bitches. All the fucking bitches, dog. Freddie Wong, present. Matthew Arnold, present. Will Master Chief Mario?

Fun fact about normal this week is that the Oak Garcia family, four generations now, starting with Henry, is the one thing they can all agree on is that they're a 60 frames a second smooth motion TV family. Yes, dog! Fucking Oaks Craig that shit. True motion, dog! True motion all the way! It looks more like real life! Yes, dog! Give me that dynamic HDR, dog! The white point is setting based on the ambient light of the room, dude! Ha!

fucking 400 milliseconds of processing time to the goddamn image. I mean, Henry and the gang and normal, they don't know any of that. They just are like, it looks kind of fun. It looks kind of smooth. They watch a lot of nature docs too. They watch a lot of nature. Nature docs, you know, whenever the occasional sports game comes on, but mostly they love like really old, like,

classic movies like Charlie Chaplin movies cranked up to 120 frames a second and then Normals posts on social media like on Pinterest his favorite media platform whenever it's like Thanksgiving he posts a tip that's like hey guys like here's your tip if you're going over to your friend's house like here's how you change their TV settings to crank the smooth motion all the way up so it looks even better they'll thank you for it movies looking a little choppy follow these tips this Thanksgiving did you know they used to shoot movies only 24 frames a second

Thanks to interpolative technology, you can watch it as any frames you want. Oh, that's so sick. I kind of get it. It's like, you know, we used to have horses carrying us around, and now we've got, you know, a lot of horsepower. So why not kick it up? That's true. Okay, Mr. Beast. Okay, if he did a video that was a 200 horsepower car versus a 200 horsepower car. He probably has. He probably has done that video while saving like 100 puppies. There's probably seven seconds in one.

The horses are all powered by Mr. Beast's chocolate. By Mr. Beast's 200 horsepower car or carried by 200 orphaned horses that I will pay for afterwards. Oh no, I'm such a good little boy. Bye bye chocolate bars.

It's like he's here. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hi, dad. Hey, dad. Only Will cares about saying hi to his dad after all this time. I can't say anything. Okay. Hi. Hi, dad. So porn update. Yeah. That's why we didn't say hi, dad. Because we knew you were going to talk about your porn, dad. Yeah, that's fair. Dad embarrasses us with his porn. Porn update. Your mom found it. Mom's in it.

They're going to start shooting in March. So we've got a date. How long are they going to do? Yeah, they're going to be shooting. They're going to do pickups. They're going to be shooting. The fun thing is that I sent off a script and they sent the script back. And the whole premise of this story is a guy is playing like Street Fighter against somebody. And then he gets teabagged over and over again. He's like, all right, I'm going to track this guy down and teabag him for real in real life. And then they do and they start having sex. And then they start having sex.

And then brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. In the script, I was like, well, surely whatever video game they play is going to be like off screen. You're going to hear sounds like you're not going to spend any money to actually put video games on screen because that's insane. And they're like, no, we have a 2D animation guy. We're going to like try and animate a little like fight scene for the teabag.

And I was like, oh, that's so cool. And then they didn't tell me this, but I looked through the script and there was like a description of like, here's what the 2D fighting game should look like. One of these characters should look like this guy. And it was a fan art picture of Willie Stampler. And instead of the other one, she looked like this guy. And it was a picture of me. What?

So apparently when this comes out, there's a not insignificant chance that I will be getting virtually teabagged in a porno by Willie Stampler in a porno that I wrote. So keep an eye out for that. Do they know that you're Willie Stampler or do they just happen to find? No, they know. I think they're fans of the show. This is sayuncle.com, by the way. That was my promise that I should talk about the website. It will be on. Hey, real quick, Anthony, you and me, just man to man real quick. Anthony, do you agree that

there's some heights that writers have never reached and you're sitting atop that. Oh yeah. No. Oh yeah. Absolutely. Like, do you think Shakespeare was like, yes, barely. I got teabagged in this play. Like, fuck no, dude. Can I ask you, how does it feel? What is the view like from up there? I mean, if it comes out and I'm in there, it's going to be so good. Are they inviting you to set? They offered that. And I said, absolutely not. Let me see this. It's the same. It comes out. It's a hit. It's a hit.

Anthony Burch, your website. You have a website. I do. For your professional sort of stuff. Anthony Burch shot pizza, by the way. I know this. I'm just looking at it right now. This is stuff I've worked on. The first thing I see appears to be God of War. You can replace that top image. Oh, yeah, I might as well. Like a money shot. I don't know if I'll do the top image, but it'll be hidden in there in the somewhere in the middle of that page. Ah, very good. That is the promise I make to you. Just making a picture of the video game. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah.

With a little... Nothing. Never mind. What, Beth? What was your dirty mind? With a little cum stain on the screen. Thank you. I just wanted to know what you were thinking. Ha ha ha!

So when we last left you, a couple things had happened. One, Link had gotten thrown into one of the private rooms that Willy has been trying to sequester away people that are too powerful to fight. He went to horny jail. I thought the room was like a prison. Private room sounds weird. Yeah, private room sounds like it's a strip club. Sorry, prison. He threw them into heaven prison. But not with the other people who are in private. No, he's alone in his own cell. Solitary confinement. Matt.

Is this a What Dreams May Come scenario where you're prisoned in heaven? Is this whole universe unto itself, dog? Dude, What Dreams May Come would be a great name for a porno. No, there is a porno. It's called What Dreams May Come. That's great. That's really good. Can I ever tell you the best porno title? What? Which is you do an Apocalypse Now porno and you call it A Cock of My Lips Now.

It's still a war movie. Yeah, it's still a war movie. Mahalo. That smell. It smells like victory. What the fuck are we talking about? The two things that happened. Explain the things that happened. Yes. Link got thrown into heaven prison. It's the same sort of prison that Willy was in. So it's like a time prison. Yes, it is a demiplane. Okay. Larry, the science kid, is still by Willy's side. And Normal and Tay

Taylor went to basically enact two parts of a two prongs plan. One of which was to get Mercedes O Garcia to come and help them because Willie in his sexism did not realize that Mercedes and the other moms might be a threat.

And the other part of which was to get a person named Vincent Spellfeather to change his name to Willie Stampler so that he could be the one to take control of the doodler. Upon hearing that this person's name was Willie Stampler, Mercedes then shot him in the head and killed him. So what do we think happens next? A group of friends. Okay, so I think we pick up that scene. Let's play imagination together. Let's play that scene right now.

What the fuck are you doing, Willie Stampler? Mom, good work. You can't, because normal didn't know the plan. This plane was all, it's like, holy shit, grandma, you just took out Willie Stampler. I guess he's in disguise or something. You see Taylor take off his pork pie hat and just kind of scratch his head a little bit and just sigh. And you know the Pablo Escobar waiting meme? Yeah. Where it's just him like sitting.

Taylor enacts every one of those poses. And she like stands off to the side, hands behind his back, just kind of looking off. Norm is tapping you on the shoulder. So he's dead now, right? So like, is he going to turn back into himself? Is this like a spell? Like how, what's what? That really sucks, lady. What was that? What was that all about? This was my guy. This was a guy that were pretending to be. Well, I said, well, this is going to be the move that we really use. We use his name because it's the name. It's not the dude. The fuck? Mercedes goes, oh.

Well, you should have said something other than this is Willie Stample. I mean, I... Well, first of all... Hey, lady! Hey, hey, hey! You're blaming me for what you did! Hey, that's why Abuelito you're talking to, mister! So you just cool it, alright?

There's a lot going on. There's a lot going on, Taylor. And I know you and me, we've had our, we've got our frictions in the past. I'll fight your Appalita right here. I'll fight you right now. I'll fight your Appalita right here. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And she puts a hand on both of your shoulders and she says, she takes a hand away from your shoulder and she says, let's just calm down. Let's talk this through. What is going on right now? Huh?

Okay, so, and then normal whispers in her ear so we can speed run through him re-expositing the plot of the entire show. And she goes, oh, that sounds fucked up. But I mean, like, what are you trying to do? This was my master plan because we knew that...

only reacts and obeys Willie Stampler. And my plan was to find someone and then change their name to Willie Stampler and I'm due to obey this person. There'll be a duel of two gods controlling this demigod with the same name. Now it's ruined because you shot him in the head! I acknowledge that it was a mistake, but I didn't know it was a mistake and so I choose to forgive myself for doing that. Oh!

I think that's beautiful. That's okay. I forgive you too, Grandma. Taylor? No. Taylor? No. Taylor? No. You were my player. She did shoot and ask questions later. That's a rough thing to forgive yourself. The question was answered and you're not in the scene, Link. You're an old car. My Abilene is perfect. Your Abilene and I have beef. That's right, lady. You and me, we got beef now. What the fuck are we going to do? So as you're talking, you hear a...

It's slowly getting louder and louder. And as you hear that noise get louder and louder, you see the shadow of several angels flapping their eyelashes coming towards you. They haven't seen you yet, but they are coming towards you direction. Oh shit. Yeah. They're coming for the body. First room. We get in here. We've opened the random door. Okay. And get inside to hide in someone's heaven. Yes. Okay. So you get inside.

You know what? It's exactly like the wet dream become heaven. It's like a really beautiful field. Anthony, it is what dreams make up. You did say wet dreams. Did I say wet dreams? You did say wet dreams. Okay, I said what I said then, I guess. You walk into a horrible, horrible, horrible orgy and immediately Mercedes goes, no, and covers both of your eyes with her hands. What's going on? I didn't see anything. Don't listen. Don't smell. Hold your breath. Someone hit the lights in here. Don't smell? No.

Normal plugs his ears and his nose at the same time. So she opens the door crack so you can see what's going on. And you can see the angels fly down, grab the body, and then begin to drag it away. And Mercedes goes, that's what they do to anybody who dies in heaven. They get taken to the timeout zone. Wild, wild angels couldn't drag me away.

It wasn't funny, but it was stuck in my head. Sorry, that was like a song that played at the same time. Someone's ringtone or something. What did you say, lady? Did her bell just go off or did I just lose my mind? No, Matt did something. You smell toast. So she says that's what happens when somebody gets killed up in heaven is they just go in the timeout chamber and then they come back eventually. That's where a lot of... And they play Wild.

Time out chamber. What's a time out? It's like a hyperbaric chamber. It's like a demi-plane. There's a plane called the time out chamber where time moves differently as gravity. What's gravity like in this time out chamber? This hyperbaric chamber, this training chamber. I don't know if time moves differently there. I just know it's a demi-plane on the other side of the paperwork's ocean where a lot of

whenever somebody needs time out because they're dead or because they've done something wrong and they need to think about it, that's generally what a Demi-Planet is. So it's like Purgatory. I remember learning about that when I played that video game about the levels of hell and heaven. They made a sequel called Dante's Purgatory.

I think, man, it's just, it's just, it's been so long since I've seen you, grandma. I'm just, I'm just so emotional. I don't know what's going on. I only, you guys just go grab another person. Just go grab another piece of paper. I could just do this again. Is there anyone in this room? Lady? She turns and she goes, there was a lot of people in this room. We need the paper. Excuse me. Is anyone here named Willie Stampler? Okay. I guess not.

All the Willie Stamplers were killed. Yes. He went King Harry on the Willie Stamplers. No, it's going to be impossible because then we got to go back all the way back to the ocean. We got to find another piece of paper. Then we've got to go do this whole thing again. Also, where are your friends? Where's Link? Where's Scary? That's a good idea. Where are they? I don't know where Link is. I don't know where Scary is. All I know is it's up to me, you, and my Abuelita to save the world right now. So you better forgive her. I'm just saying there might be one more of your clan that we can invoke here. Do you have a phone?

Do I have a phone? Does this dial? Taylor gropes for like a phone in this orgy room. There's a phone in here. Do not start reaching around. Do not start. Keep your hands on the outside line. I want a phone. Mercedes reaches into her coat pocket, brings out a phone and hands it to you. Slow down, lady. You just said you want a phone and then you got a phone. Yeah, I'm in a heaven. So if I'm in a personal heaven, you sort of get whatever you want.

Pause everyone real quick. Uh, player huddle really quick. Okay. What's guys like? What do we want? We're in heaven. Then we get whatever we want. Just give us, you just get a Willie Stampler. I did specifically say while you're in a personal heaven. Yeah. Yeah. We are. Oh, like so once you leave that heaven, like it disappears. Oh,

But wait a second. If we could get Willy into one of these heavens. Uh-huh. Isn't Willy in his own personal heaven right now, though, if you think about it? No, he came out of it. No, he's in real out of it. Interesting. Many layers of metacognition here. Yes, I'd like to dial an outside line. Okay, here we go. Press nine. Nine.

Okay. And then I dial Hero Oaks by memory. So she can tell even before, just from the sound of your inward breath on the other end of the phone, she can touch it. What's her caller ID say? Hey, real quick. What's your caller ID say? Just curious.

Oh, it says heaven. Oh, wow. Well, it looks like my reputation. Did you really change your outgoing call ID to heaven? That's the worst Riz I've ever seen. Looks like my reputation precedes me, hero. What are you up to today? What are you doing? I was going to go to a track meet. Track meet? Yeah, I have a track meet today. Were you competing or something? No.

Yeah, no, I'm not just going to go to the wash. What are you doing? Hero, it's time to do your sister. He comes like, let me fucking cook, bitch. Just me and the guys are just hanging out. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out. I don't know, save the world or anything like that. Save the world? No, I don't feel like doing that. The two things I don't like doing as established is hanging out with you and saving the world. So no, I think I'm pretty good going to my track meet. We're all playing against you.

Uh, Chaparral. Oh, the big one. Taylor, ask her, like, isn't the world all fucked up down there? Are there angels running around? What's going on? They're still doing track meets when all the world's all crazy and jacked up down there. I mean, there was, like, things falling through the sky and, like, they took some people and then, but now they're gone. It seems okay now. A fifth grader named Willie Stampler just exploded. Yeah, so yeah. A couple of fifth graders just appeared.

taylor like what are you what are you doing trying to recruit your cool hero come help us it's normal we're stuck in heaven we need your help everything's going bad up here i get real persuasion why didn't i get a single person i don't know who can say that is a 24 jesus is there something specific you say that makes her go like oh this is for real shit you said if i needed help you'd come and i need help we need help this is the big willie samplers in charge of heaven i'm up here with grandma we're

We're all on our own. I'm scared. And I could use a hand too. Hero, look, like this is the moment, okay? I know that you've had this whole destiny that you wanted to shirk off, but like if there's ever a chosen one moment, this is it. And I know I'm not it. I'm the whole stupid reason we're in this freaking mess. I'm the whole reason he's up here. So it's gotta be you, right? Like you're the chosen one. And please, I need your help. I can't do this on my own. We can't do this without you. And also, I just want to know, I could also be the chosen one too. And you may be a compatriot, a chosen compatriot. But-

So here it goes.

You know what? I think you got a point. I've been promised, and it's time to come and collect. It's time for the chickens to come home to the roost. It's time for Hero to go Hero time. It's time for... And then you hear a smash on the other end of the phone, and she goes, Oh, shit. And you hear the wet flapping of eyelids going faster and faster and faster, and she goes, They're coming for... Shit, they're coming for... Normal, Normal, it's on you now. Normal, shit, shit. I'm so sorry, Normal. It's got to be you.

Wild, wild angels. Can I have some things to say to the hero? Can I get the phone back? I shove the phone into your chest. Anyway, whatever that was all about. The call you answered. I can't even remember what those things say anymore. It's been so long.

That was like an AI reimagining of that from like the depths of your subconscious. Yeah. That's weird. Okay. Well, that's one option gone because I inspired her to self-actualize, I guess. And then that, you know, kind of proved that she was a threat to Willie, I guess must be what happened there. All right. Okay. Well, she's coming though, right? First things first, Mercedes says, why don't we take a deep breath?

What do we have in terms of allies? What friends do we have up here that we can maybe combine forces with? Because the three of us, I mean, I do. I get to exhale my breath. Yes. Sorry. Yes. Exhale, please. So right. I breathe on my own terms, lady. Anyway, continue. OK, so right now it's me and Taylor and Link is somewhere and scary somewhere. And I guess heroes on her way to heaven. If we can figure out which angel is taking her. Excellent.

Excellent. The secondary plan is working so far so good. Do we want to take this opportunity to maybe cut to Larry and Willie? Yeah, you cut to Larry and Willie. You hear the sounds of outrageous laughter. Yeah.

You can't ask cheeseburger, my dude. Oh, no! Dude, check out this one. It's so good. It says, think twice, and it's a picture of a cat. It's a picture of a cat, and it says, bro, I didn't even think once. That's pretty fucking good. Oh, shit, that's good. Is this what I've been missing? Oh, man. Oh, man. Yeah, there are many scientific principles that you've been missing out on by not going to ICan'tAskCheeseburger.com. Oh, man, and in heaven, it's still active. Oh, man.

Oh, I hate the Brady team. They have all the websites. I hate the Brady team. I think it's still active in real life here too, baby. Well, in heaven, they also have pets.com and all the other fun websites for my youth. Man, they named this cat after the Pringles guy because it's got a little mustache. She's still up for adoption. I would never adopt that cat. So as you two are looking at cool dang memes on iknesscheeseburger.com, an angel floats up to Willie and blinks once and he goes, oh, you did. You got her. Great. And he blinks again. He goes, so that's so

So it's basically everybody? Everybody that could possibly fuck with me is now dealt with. Well, that's boring. Now I'm bored. Oh, I'm so sorry you're bored, man. Let me try to pull up another meme. Or we could talk scientific principles. Let's see. Some examples include the laws of thermodynamics, the theory of evolution, obviously. Larry, for the last time, I don't want to hear about the laws of thermodynamics.

I appreciate it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that you're around with me. I love that you're by my side and that you really get me in a way that I don't think a lot of people do. But you got to fucking can it on the science stuff. It's not cool. Nobody gives a shit about science. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, of course. Yes. So actually, here's a thought. Yeah, what's up? Law of thermodynamics says energy can't be created or destroyed, right? Yes. That's exactly what it says. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

So what if... You don't really get it, man. Yeah, no, I'm fucking smart as shit. So what if, and I'm just spitballing here, what if we could break that rule? What if we just started destroying stuff just to sort of see what would happen?

That could be fun. You ever like stomp ants when you were a kid or like, you know, with magnifying glass, like set ants on fire or just stomp a roach and see the pfft that it makes when you step on it? So you're talking about like killing small animals as a child? Yeah. Like, I mean, everybody, it's like a thing. It's a phase you go through. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, a phase, more like a lifestyle. Yeah.

Okay, sure, yeah. I mean, yeah. I still squash bugs and shit, yeah. Yeah, so it'd be cool if we had, like, a giant ice cube that we could destroy or something. That'd be so gnarly, my man. Well, I'm thinking, like, Earth. Like, the realm that we all came from. Like, because it's just a bunch of assholes. Like, everybody there fucking sucks. Everybody's just so fucking stupid and so hypocritical and so selfish and just mean and shit. And, like, what if we...

What if we had just like ended that? Because I'm also getting a lot of like, and then another angel comes up holding a bunch of paperwork in its eyelashes. And he goes, and they keep fucking bugging me about letting people into heaven. And like people keep dying, coming to heaven. And that just seems like a fucking pain in the ass. So like, what if no more people come into heaven? Cause no more people, you know what? I think you convinced me with the thermodynamics thing. I think that's a good idea. You're really smart kid, Larry. I am. Yeah. Okay. With that in mind, angels, I guess just, uh,

Go nuts? Um... Get rowdy? Well, I think we should start with the theorem of arms icy, you know? What's arms icy? I'm scary as an anagram, bitch. Oh no! Circle of death.

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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo. Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, way, way, way. Kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? Yeah, what is that? I love you, Dad.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com, promo code daddies. A sphere of negative energy ripples out in a 60-foot sphere within range. Each creature in that area must take a constitution saving throw. A target takes 8d6 necrotic damage on a failed save. Constitution 15. 15? Yeah. Dude's within that circle, too. Fuck me. And I'm alone. Why did I do this? You got a natural 1. Yes! What about dude? So dude is going to get...

Nine so both of them fail. That's what about scary. Well scary is not in the sphere Presumably unless you put it on yourself - that would be wild. I don't think I do yeah, but I'm aiming for the Angels as well Okay, maybe I do have to be in it Let's say that you're surrounded by eight angels and that Willie is next to three of them So if they fail they will just get blipped out of existence by the circle of death. So

So that's a fail. It's another fail. And the succeed. Now there are six angels remaining nearby. Because I'm casting this at the seventh level, the damage increases by 2d6 for each slot level above the six. So how many d6s is that altogether? 10d6. So 38. So the circle of death envelops Willy and he screams out in pain. The first time you've ever heard him express any sort of pain. Unfortunately, the same thing happens to the doodler and the dude does sound

in not a good way. Roll separately for the doodler. Fuck, 41. Ooh. Why did I do this? I'm such a silly girl. So the doodler doubles over in pain, clutching their chest, and Willie does the same, and he looks at you with clear eyes for the first time, seeing not Larry the Science Kid, but Scary Marlow. No affiliation to science whatsoever. Yeah, I don't even know jack shit about science. Ha ha!

The only chemical I know is my chemical romance. That's a joke by Will Campos. So he looks at you and after a brief flicker of the most rage you've ever seen on a human face, he starts smiling. And he goes like, you got me.

I knew you got me. I got you. I could have cheeseburger, my man. Fuck you. Yeah. All right. So let's roll initiative real quick. Oh, what did you think was going to happen? I just did a natural 20. That's good. That means I have

Is there running in D&D like in other RPGs? Can you run from a fight? Yeah, you can dash. You can disengage and run away. How do you do that? I've also used up all my spell slots. Yeah, so run. Yeah, okay. Well, we don't know. He might roll higher than a 20. No, he did not. He got a six. So you get to go first.

I'm gonna bail. What are my options for escaping this hell heaven we're in? So you can disengage as an action, which allows you to not get opportunity attacks as you run away, but it means you only get to move your normal running speed. Or you can dash as an action, which means you get to run double your running speed, but you do take an opportunity attack. I'm gonna dash. Okay.

So he's going to try to attack you as you bounce. Dude, yeah, fucking kite him to us. Yeah, this is great. Yeah, exactly. Run him to Mercedes. Okay, so he's going to... The warrior. Try to cantrip you with a firebolt. My own spell against me. So that's a 28 to hit. Oh, shit. And it's going to do 4d10 damage to you. Okay. So it's going to be 9 damage to you. Oh, okay. Shitty roll. Yeah, pretty shitty roll. He throws a firebolt at you and he goes, scary!

It kind of just singes your shoulder as you run, but it doesn't stop your gait at all. And you managed to run with some speed. You had like some cheap shitty jeans, but now they're all like scuffed up and burn and look like designer jeans are purposely scuffed up and burn. Nice. Pretty cool. Burned jeans. Yeah, dog. I don't, I don't. That's cool. Man, I got such a deal on these burned jeans.

So that's a new thing. So what direction are you? They're burned. What direction are you running? Are you running towards the personal heavens or are you running towards the ocean of paperwork? The personal heavens. Yeah. That's where they are. Okay. But you wouldn't know that, but it's okay. Yeah. Okay. So Willie is going to take us in theory, more places to hide there. Yes. Yes. So Willie's going to, I would ever hide, but just in case I would only run away. So Willie is going to take his turn at the same time as the angels. And he's going to say, get after her, get hurt, please.

Please. Oh, no. What did you really scare? What did you do to me? So the angels are going to descend on you and they are going to spend their turns dashing to you, but they're not fast enough to catch you. You ran like 60 feet and then they ran 60 feet in the right behind you, but they don't have an action anymore to do. That's right. I spent my teenage years going to an X rated Sonic drive through. So I'm really fast. I got to go fast. Well, he goes, dude, stop her.

And dude goes, oh, it hurts. It hurts real bad. And was like, for fuck's sake, stop. Somebody get somebody stop her. And he points at his angels and he sends them after you. And so they dash towards you and they're right on your tail. All six of them. But they are not close enough to do anything. Scary running in heaven with like six angels behind. There's a pretty cool album cover for an album.

Wild angels. Yeah, if he called wild angels, couldn't drag me away. He's going to cast Wall of Fire. Uh-oh. Fucking warlock on warlock.

Over here. Warlock action. Yeah. So he makes the wall 60 feet long, 20 feet high, and it's 120 feet away from him, and you ran 60 feet. It does feel like... A Jezebel situation? Anthony should have to... It does feel like... Play America's favorite national pastime. No, because he'll be good at it. Oh, it took me to Jezebel. Oh, sad. It's not there anymore. Oh.

Now you just have to learn something, Anthony. Arcade. All right. All right. You should get enough to be either six angels and a scary. That's at least seven balls. That's seven. You got to get to seven. Yeah. I thought you were a gamer, Anthony. I thought you wrote Borderlands 2. I watched you dive into hell with me. Anthony, I played enough games to know that you could probably do this.

That's level one completed. Wow, Anthony is already speeding up. Oh, no! Oh, that's not good at all. Wait, did you jump to level 100? No, I got to level two and then immediately lost two lives. Oh. I'm a yes. I'm against Anthony. Ooh, that's not good. Ooh.

Will, give us the play-by-play. Give us the shoutcast. He's on level two. All right, so Anthony seems to be closing his way through the jazz ball match. Let's see what he's got. He's into a tight corner now. There's a lot of cross play between the balls. This reminds me of the Johnson-Caprizo

Kapritsky game of 1997. He, of course, was a 12-year-old boy who was very good at jazz ball. Hey, Will, quick question from the... Oh, classic isolation strategy. Anthony's got one horizontal ball going. We're up to four balls now. Yeah, Freddie, go ahead. Quick question here from the field here. Is Anthony utilizing a split binary approach, or is he doing a one-off? Anthony started out with what we call the Herdsman approach, where you try to corral all the balls into one square, but now he's split out. He's moving on to level three. Where's he at in terms of lives? We're now at a full...

five balls are up in the field. This is where the balls really do start to get a lot of crosstalk with each other, where we see balls bouncing off of each other. It makes the lines a lot harder to predict. Oh, and he's down. He's just lost one. He's working himself into a tough corner right now. We've got four balls bouncing in one area, increasingly small

Risky play from Mr. Birch, but what can we say? And he's down to four lives. This could be it, folks. Anthony is not doing good. He's in a complicated situation. The arrangement of the grid has made a lot of unpredictable bouncing in here in this last corner, and my constant droning in his ear can't be helping that much. Now, Will, this version of Jezbo does appear to have ball-to-ball physics. Is that affecting his gameplay at all? That seems to be, but you know what? He's made it to level five.

He's got seven lives. I think he could go all the way here. How many balls are in level five? Oh, and he's closing in. He's closing in. Area cleared 46%. Level five does indeed have seven balls. This is it. This is it. If he can pull this off, then we can move on with the podcast.

Now I'm just legitimately interested to see if Anthony can do this. This is sweaty palms, sweaty palms. It's looking tricky for Anthony right now. He did it! He did it! God, sorry. Anthony's just too good at video games. Anthony, tell the truth.

Here. When you watched Nick Arcade... Oh, my God. That's the only thing I ever wanted to do as a child was be on Nick Arcade. Could you imagine being like, I could fucking kill... Oh, yeah. Every single time you watched Nick Arcade and the kids just couldn't understand their relationship of space versus them and the green screen, you're like, I could do this better. Every single kid who watches that is like, these kids are buffoons. I would kill this. I would annihilate it. I didn't. I didn't.

I bet you could though. All right. So unfortunately, because I fucking rule at Jez Ball, Willie does indeed create a wall of fire in front of you that is 60 feet long, 20 feet high, and one foot thick. So we never talked about this, but you could hypothetically just run through it. Yeah, I was about to say, how much damage does it do? Does 10d8 damage. Okay, how much health do you have, Beth? 62. Okay. So it could kill you. Very unlikely though.

I'm going to walk through the fire, as Buffy says. Oh, I mean run. Run. Oh, run through the fire. That's not what Buffy said, though. No, Buffy doesn't say that. She should have ran. Yeah. Ciri says, Buffy the Vampire Slayer should have ran through the fire. Oh, God. All right, you take 37 damage. Woo!

Alive. The fire burns away at your skin and your flesh and you begin to smell something that smells unfortunately kind of good and you realize it's your own skin. Oh, God. Your pants just increased another $200 in perceived value. I'm definitely going to hit Poshmark when this is all over. All right. The angels are not going to follow you. She was a liar, liar. And now...

Her pants are on fire. Her pants are on fire. Self-fulfilling prophecy. That's what that means. Makes you think. Yeah. All right. One of the angels just incinerates in the fire. Ooh. Another angel incinerates in the fire. There's only four left now. It's like an asteroid-like space chase, and the fucking TIE fighters are exploding. The third one's going to go, it's going to scream to a halt like a Looney Tune, and then try to go over the wall. Like the A-Wing? Yes, exactly. Exactly.

That's our two. Too late! Those guys dive out of the way. No, they turn around for the shield. It doesn't fire forward, fire back. It doesn't fire forward, fire back. Too late! You basically take down all but three of, you don't take it down, situationally, three of them survive. Yeah, the fuck I did. I fucking took them down. They couldn't make it through the fire like I could. So only three of the angels managed to survive and they are pursuing you, but now Willie has stupidly cut himself off from you so he can't pursue you either. Throws his hat off on the ground and jumps on it. He falls on it.

And could he just run to the fire too? Or dismiss the spell? If he wasn't a coward. He's definitely a big coward. He could dismiss the spell. That's true. You know, he just does a cool bad guy thing where he's like, whatever. He goes, what do I care? I'm not going to chase her. I'm going to destroy Earth. So he just goes, find her! And the audio of him just saying that echoes and then you follow the echo to cut back to normal and... Should have been more specific, my dude. There are a lot of women in heaven. Should we go to Link? Link's in a hole. Link's in a hole. Do we not?

I want to check in on Link in the hole. Link, what's your hole look like? I mean, you tell me. I don't choose a prisoner. I'm going to choose a cell. Yeah, it's a six by six by six cell. Oh, so he has to hunch over because he's so tall. Yeah, I'm so tall. Oh, no. I don't hunch over. I'm doing like a... No, there's a diagonal he could be in. I've been sewing. It's just fucking like the hypotenuse. Yeah, yeah. There's a vector in there where you're good, dog. I've tried to sew a soccer ball based off of like scraps of my own clothes and shoes and stuff. What? How long have you been doing that?

you been in there? It feels like a long time for me and I'm kicking the ball kind of like, you know, like in the great escape when he's throwing the baseball door. Am I right? Yeah. So through the tiny keyhole at the front of the demiplane door, you can see the body of, no, I don't look through the hole. I'm just sitting there. Wait, what do I see? If you wanted to look, you would see somebody that you don't recognize, but who is Vincent Spellfeather. In fact, his corpse getting pulled along and getting dragged into its own demiplane as well. Oh, I just go up another dead one.

And I kick the ball. I'm just kicking the ball. I'm just like, I love my parents. I love my spouses. But love's not real, so I feel nothing. And I kick the ball again. That's it. So you hear a knocking on the Demi Plane wall next to you. Yeah. And it's Daryl Wilson on the other side. It's who? It's Daryl Wilson on the other side knocking. Hey, who's knocking? Hey, it's Daryl, dude. Who's that? Is that Link?

Yeah, I'm here. I'm assuming you're next to me, Grandpa? Yeah, what's going on? Just mostly just singing to myself about how love's not real. I made a soccer ball. Wait, what? You made a soccer ball? I've been here for like years. I've made a finger puppet of Carol once. I just talked to her for a bit. How did you make a soccer ball? Well...

Like, I started kind of stripping my clothes into, like, thin strips. Made kind of, like, the fluffy part with my socks. Started, like, sewing it. It looks more like a volleyball than a soccer ball, but it works pretty good. Oh, man! If you're in here, you're going to make me a football, huh? I don't know if I can make a football. Well...

Well, buddy, I'm glad if I'm going to be in here for eternity, at least I'm next to you. So Daryl would have seen that every time somebody dies or gets put into timeout. This is where they come. It's an area on the other side of the ocean of paperwork.

Oh, so this is the timeout room. You're in the timeout zone. But we all have our own rooms. You all have your own rooms in the timeout zone, correct. But there is a keyhole and a lock. Unfortunately, there's no way for us to know any of this. Right, but at least you know that. Hey, bud, if it makes... Hey, don't give up yet. If it makes you feel any better, when people die, they also come here. Well, I don't...

Don't really know how that information is supposed to help. You're just telling me that sometimes more people show up here? Look, man, that's all the information I got. I'm just like... You also see that the angels are the ones who hold the keys to get people in and out of their little den of plans. Yeah, just calm down for a second. You're such a bummer. Give me a moment to give you all the information, okay?

The angels, the angels also have like, they bring the keys and stuff. I'm just saying like, we gotta be on the lookout. Like I get that you made a soccer ball. That's really honestly, I'm jealous. I got nothing to do here, but like we should be on the lookout. There's a key hole in our door. Let's not give up, buddy. Like we gotta, we got a whole world to save. Like we gotta make your dad's proud of my kid proud. You know, we gotta, we gotta do this. Just, just hang in there. All right. Like, like let's, you know, let's not give up. Like, let's just keep talking and let's really like get a game plan. Keep, keep your eyes open. Like to even look through that key hole.

well no i was just playing soccer and then i saw a dead body i was like i don't want to look why did i look through there in the first place i was gonna keep playing soccer oh but okay well god you gave up a lot well yeah oh gave up a lot where you mad at me i was just like i'm a kid trying i did pretty good got to heaven try to fight god that's pretty good and i lost so i'm here like what do you want from me do my best look if the door opens up there's a way to help i'll help

Oh, buddy. Jesus. Okay. Look, look. Eyes on the prize, right? Like, this is a soccer game. Don't fucking say it's a soccer game to get me excited about doing this. Okay. Look. Look. Just keep your eye on the ball and look through a keyhole. Your friends are going to come help us. Just don't give up. Fine. I won't give up. Okay. Fine.

okay stop just let me play okay you want me to like keep score oh yeah that's a good idea yeah every time you hear a bounce count for me all right and then link starts kicking here darryl go one two and that's it hey hey darryl is that darryl over there oh my god yep that's yep glenn it's still yeah i've been here today still darryl how's it going bud you still not talking to me no no i mean hey do you know that like uh links links in the other room hey link

Do you want me to telephone over to you? Oh, Hey, what Daryl? That's not me. Um, Glenn's on the other side of me. He wants to say hi. So he said, hi, what does he say? Just wait. Uh, what is, what is, what is, no, I don't, don't know him like at all. Like absolutely not. So I guess, did you lose count? How many, how many did I kick?

All right. Yeah, yeah, Link said hi, Glenn. Oh, great, great. Can we recruit him into my plan to get out of here? Oh, yeah, that sounds great. Remind me of the plan again, bud. Well, it's very simple, you see. We all pretend that we're sick, and then the angels, when they come to let us out, we bop them in the snoot, and then we get out after they come to let us out. But all of us need to pretend like we're sick, but I don't know why I'm the only one sitting here, and you never joined me in on this, so, like...

I just feel like you're not in on the plan and you know, you're not really coming up with any good ones on your own. No, that's fair. Okay. Hey, but know what? I did think that maybe the angels didn't care if we were sick. Cause I've been here before. I've been in prison before. Did you get out that way? Did they care? I did prison. I broke out. Okay. Should we try? Yes. What do you, like how sick do we have to pretend? Pretty bad. Cause it's angels. Otherwise they're not going to come open the fucking door. People get sick in heaven. That's a lot of people get sick and they get to heaven.

I'm just saying that the Angels are going to check it out. We got to do a distraction and maybe the Angels open the door for us. All right. Okay. Well, I'll start. Let me tell Link. Oh, you tell Link. Link. What? There better be a number I hear next. 32. 33. Can you just pause for a second? Yeah. Okay. What? Hey, so Glenn. Yeah. Okay. So Glenn. That's me. He can't hear you, Glenn. So Glenn, he's going to. I know he can't hear me.

He thinks that we pretend to be sick. Maybe the angels will open the door up. Darryl, tell him to say blasphemous shit, too. And say just really bad stuff about like blasphemous, blasphemous stuff. Really? Do we say blasphemous stuff about God and, you know, Christ and and that stuff? Just say and then be sick. I guess you need to do both those things.

Um, how about I just listen to you guys do it and if it works, I'll, I'll join in. Hey, is he in? Daryl, is he in? Yeah, he's in. Glad just you start and I'll, I'll go. He's, he's the topper, man. He's gonna, he's gonna give it his all. He's a young guy. He'll do his best. Okay. Weird, weird way to refer to. Okay. All right. Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ! Oh, man! I feel so sick! Oh, my butt feels worse than God is! Jesus Christ! And I hate God! Oh, no!

Everything's coming out. Both of you rolled a deception with disadvantage. All three of them, I believe. Oh, no, it's just the two of you right now. Yeah, Link's not going to do it until he finds out that it works. All right, so hold on. Actually, I need to change to my other character. Disadvantage! Yeah, because they can't see you and also the sick prisoner routine is the oldest trick in the book. I got natural one. Oh, God. You shit yourself. Yeah. Oh, Glenn! Oh!

Don't worry, Daryl. I have a shitload of this. Oh, well, here's the thing. Here's my argument, which is that, you know, you're old 17 plus 1734. Well, with disadvantage, disadvantage. But then the next one was 18 plus 1735 plus 17. That's a fucking little fucker, dude. Oh, wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. I was fucking rolling for a link. No, no link. Roll for Daryl. Yeah, yeah.

Also, Daryl has minus one deception. He's such a good boy. He can't lie. Next to them, you hear, oh gosh, I hope they're okay over there. Anyways, I gotta continue my new song. Oh my god.

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. You hear Henry playing a harmonica somehow. Like, yeah, it's getting better and better, Ron. It really goes to show how art can help in adversity, you know? Because I don't know if we're ever getting out of here. It sounds like someone's really sick up there. Unfortunately, we're too far away from you to know who it is. Oh, my butt. All right, so Glenn, you see through the keyhole one of the angels float near you and gaze into the keyhole at you. Are you there? Yeah.

Jesus Christ was an antichrist.

Satan is the true, real God. Real intimidation. Billy Sandler's God now, I don't think this angel cares. Natural one plus 17. No, no, natural one? Yeah. Plus 17? Oh, what a tragedy. The only situation in which you would not have been able to succeed pretty much happened. Where does that leave us now? Open the door! No. Do it! No. The angel floats away, ignoring you. Come back here! Once again, because I feel like this is the 50th time you've probably tried to do this. Daryl.

It didn't work again. I know you keep getting bad. I don't do it, but like we've, we've done it a lot. I'm just saying that if I could use a little teamwork, how did link do? He did as well as you did, bud.

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Back to the episode. Back to Norma and Taylor. Okay. You see Scary running through a fucking wall of fire towards you. Holy shit. Is that Larry the science kid? No, no, no. It's me, Scary. Scary, get in here quick. Okay, so what's going on? Hide in here with us. Close your eyes and plug your ears. Okay. And your nose. Oh, okay.

Oh, God. Mercedes goes like, can you guys stop for a second? And then the orgy stops. She goes, you can talk to each other. Everyone get a little water. Everyone take a quick breather. They all flip the tables over and it's like they're sitting in a library now because it's like a speakeasy. They're like, whoa, the feds are here. We better stop fucking. They just start playing Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, they go back to playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Scary! Oh my god! You're okay! Well, okay is kind of a relative term. I cast third level cure wounds. Bellissima. Alright, you get 23 health points back. Yay! Health points? Wow, alright, good, good, good! Wow, what's going on? Okay, so, I just, like, tried to fight Willy, I guess. But I was- Solo?! I just kind of rushed into it, and he said something that really pissed me off. Okay. He's gonna try to, you know-

And the world. Okay. That sounds bad. But I know he has a weakness, sort of. You found a weakness? No, I mean, I got him to write in this journal and he said that he's really scared of being submerged in water. Okay, we can use that. Okay.

Yeah, if there's a way to get him maybe into the ocean of paper that I don't know about, so why would I be talking about it? You know, I mean, we were there. You saw it on the way in. Also, it's not water, though, right? Yeah, it's not water, no. Well, that's not a problem. I could cast a spell and make it look like water.

So wait, you're saying Willy's chasing you right now. Willy's on the hunt for you right now. He's behind his own wall of fire like a chump. Okay, we can use that. Did you see me coming through the wall of fire? It was pretty cool. You look cool. You look great. I'm just so happy you're alive. I'm sorry I didn't compliment you. And these jeans are totally going to go on Poshmark after this. Excellent. Excellent. I love it. Oh, this is my grandma, by the way. Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm Mercedes. You are? I'm scary. I'm scary.

It's really nice to meet you, Scary. So real quick question here. We know we have a weakness now. Do we have anything other than this weakness and a gun? What's going on with dude? Is dude okay? Oh, fuck. I might have. I definitely. I hurt dude.

Okay. So dude's probably pretty pissed. Are they mad at you? Well, I don't really care if they're mad at. Wow. That's actually the first time I've cared if somebody's not mad at me. Wow. I'm glad for the growth, but it does seem like that's maybe a problem. Yeah. But dude is still under Willie's control, right? Yeah. And we're still, look, the whole point, the whole reason we're up here. How have you guys been doing? Oh, oh, oh my.

Like, I mean, with the plan. Oh, yeah, with the plan. Taylor's in Pablo Escobar pose again in the corner, just staring out the window, quietly, hands folded behind him. There have been some setbacks. There have been some hiccups. But I think now that everyone's together, we can for sure come up with something really good. So here's what I'm thinking. We'll deal with the Willie thing later. Let's think about dude. Let's focus on dude. What do we, Anthony, do we ever learn what we actually need to do with the daddy magic juice to, like, send dude home? I don't think you did, but, like, it will be, like, an arcana roll or something like that. Something simple, because you already have everything you have. To go ahead and make that arcana.

on a roll. Go ahead. I got an 11. We're in heaven, right? Mm-hmm. We've just established that we can- Get whatever you want in a room. We can pull anything we want out of a room. Mm-hmm. I pull out a leaf and call Aaron O'Neill. What is it? Aaron! Hey, it's, uh, what's up? It's normal. Um, we got all the stuff. We got the daddy magic juice and we're trying to kind of fix this whole horrible Willie situation by sending dude to home. So what do we do? Why isn't the line moving? Are you still in line outside? Of course I am. Oh.

Oh, well, it's pretty bad in here. Can you get us in? Can you tell the bouncer to let us in? Do you have an invite? Look, Aaron, I just, Mrs. O'Neill, Miss O'Neill, is there a Mr. O'Neill? There's Vince. Oh, yeah. Okay. I never really caught what the deal was with the two of you. It's complicated. Okay. Well, we can talk about that later. I'm sure.

I'm sure you saw Heaven Go Dark and you've been seeing all sorts of crazy angels and bad stuff happen. Things are really bad in here and I think we can help out. It would help out a lot if we sent Dude home. So what do we do now? Well, all they got to do is drink all that daddy magic you got and then they got to think about going home real hard and they got to be surrounded by people that they care about. Okay, that sounds easy enough. Thanks. Hey, thanks. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me get a leaf. I hand you the leaf. Mmm. It's on the L.

Mrs. O'Neill, is there a Mr. involved? We just went over this. We just went over this. I'm Vince. Ah, Vince. Anyway, listen, things are pretty jacked up in heaven right now. What we could use is a diversion on multiple fronts. You're saying the line hasn't moved outside, right? Correct. Can you and your trees perhaps incite a riot at the gates of heaven? I guess we could. Say there's only 10 spots left. Tell everyone there's like straight up only 10 spots left in heaven. And

And only the baddest of the bad are getting in. It's like Battle Royale rules, but y'all got to get in. That's not a bad idea, I guess. Enact Operation Black Friday. Imagine it's a Walmart and it's Black Friday and all the deals are inside. Let me ask you this, my friend friend. What is in it for old Aaron O'Neill? You want to get to heaven or not? You got to live forever, kid. No, I died because you took the sun. You killed me. You killed me.

You killed me and all of my friends. Have you forgotten that? Don't you want revenge? Well, come and get it, loser. Hang up on her.

Okay. Perhaps I was made to be an anime villain and not a hero. Something for me to think about. So just to clarify the way the heaven works, can't you guys just say you want Link? Yeah, we can. Oh, you could? Yeah. Okay. Just wondering. It's funny, Matt, because it's weird. We can have anything we want. And all the friends are out. Before he's a whole Linky boy. I guess Link would leave once they left the room. Yeah, Link would disappear once they left the room. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on.

Let's give Link a call. Hey, wait, wait, wait. We can get anything we want here. Let's put in a call to Link. I guess you're right. I want a Leaf that talks to my friend Link. Hello? Oh, hey, Norm. What? How am I seeing you? Hey, how are you hearing me? How can you talk to me? I'm talking on a Leaf. We're in a private room. How? How? It's heaven magic, dude. So how does that work, though?

Like what? You can get whatever you want? In your personal heaven, I guess. You could have gotten me, but you just got a leaf instead. All right. I want Link to show up in the personal heaven room. Link's like mid kick. You seem like he's like trying to kick something, but the ball's not there anymore because they didn't transfer with him. He just goes, oh. I wish Link's ball was here too. Oh my God. What the fuck is that?

Like, it smells like, Oh, thanks, Carrie. You really give me. That's nice. Wait, I'm here. Yeah. Just, I guess you can't leave this room. Sorry. I was sarcastic to you. I was like, I thought you were real. I thought you were just like, I was already, I thought I was already going through my demons. Like, are you thinking, you know,

I thought I was going to be in there forever. So I was like, oh, here comes another version of Norm that I'm disappointing and talking to about. But I guess you're real, so I'm here now. That's cool. We're trying to make it so you live a nice, long life where you can contemplate your demons whenever you want. But right now, that's kind of at risk. Well, shoot. Scary. There's another kid here, like Larry. He was there when I was like... Oh, Larry. Yeah. So what are we doing? How do we get...

So I have a confession, Link. Yeah. I was Larry. Well, no, that can't be true because you're scary. And I saw Larry. I know. You know a lot about science and like you're good at a lot of things. I don't know. Something just came over me and I watched you as you got sent to prison and I didn't do anything about it. Because I thought that...

You know, we have a bigger plan. No, that's good. Okay. Well, wow. Scary. That was really impressive. I do. You tricked me. So, okay. Real quick. Normal is going to on the slide, make a perception check on link to see if like this is a real link or this is some sort of link simul crumb.

Simulacrum. Simulacrum. Just like still in the cell. This is just like, yeah, to make you feel happy in heaven. I got a 24. Oh, 24. Oh yeah. No, this is the real link. Link, it really is you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I poke you. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Look, number one, Willie's going to be easier to deal with if we can send dude home. That's the whole reason we're here. We're trying to help dude. We're trying to help dude get out. And what does it take to send dude home? We have to get. And how do we do that without sending Willie with them? Well, why don't we just wish for dude to be here? Yeah.

And then we can force-feed dude all the stuff that we need to do. Because this is someone's heaven. Who owns this heaven? Oh my god, that's a good idea! The look on Anthony's face right now is very good. We can't force dude to do anything because they have the... Wait, I have... I think I have an idea. I think I have a way we could do this. It's a little crazy, but hear me out. Good idea, but if we do tell Doodler to be here, like, if they ever go back to Willie, they'll have to tell Willie where we were. So, I have a plan. Okay.

This is going to be tough. This is going to be tough for me. It's going to be less tough for you, Link, because you never liked it that much anyway. I don't like who? I have a spell called Planar Ally. By the way, when you look up again, Link is just holding the World Cup.

Well. Don't make a big deal about it. So tell me if this sounds kosher. So I've done this spell before. This is how we summon Santa Claus. You besiege an otherworldly entity for aid. The being must be known to you a god, primordial, demon prince, or some other being of cosmic power. That entity sends a celestial, an elemental, or fiend loyal to it to aid you, making the creature appear in range. So here's what I'm thinking, guys. A cosmically powerful otherworldly entity. To me, that sounds like scam likely.

And Scam Likely, the last time Link, you and I talked to him, said that if we wanted, he could make a new version of Hermie the Unworthy. Okay. And if there's anyone that could impersonate Willy so good that dude would think it was Willy and then would do what Willy wants.

and drink the Daddy Magic juice, it would be Hermie the Unworthy. I mean, yeah, he's a really good actor. Yeah. And he's dead. It would be cool if he wasn't dead. I mean, this would be a new copy. This wouldn't be our Hermie. Are you sure you're not just doing this because you feel like, you know, grief or guilty? It's 60-50, Scary. I'm doing it.

Wait, okay, well, I was all cool with it when it was like... Yeah, it's 110%. I'm not sure, but do you know what I mean? So it won't be Hermie? It won't be our Hermie, but it'll be a Hermie. Oh, God. Can we just get another actor then? Well, no, I like the idea, but now I'm worried. Hermie was

the greatest actor. He was the greatest actor of our generation. Of our generation, of any generation. We need the best, which means we need Hermie, which means I'm going to have to go through a whole lot of the stages of grief real quickly. Okay. But, you know, we just, we got to keep our heads down. We got to keep moving. I always say when it's somebody else's idea, like the details, it's theirs. So that's the saying. You do always say that, Lane. I always say that.

It's the coach, whoever's idea. So yeah, I mean, yeah, we need a good actor. I mean, wait, I didn't dislike her. I'm married to him. Like I loved him. That's what matters. Okay. Let's see. I get this for 10 minutes. It's instantaneous. We should get Hermie here first and then have dude show up.

Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Or maybe dude show up. I still don't know if we need dude to show up. Dude will only do whatever Willie Stampler says. So Hermie as Willie, just so everyone's on the same page. Yeah. Hermie 2.0. Yeah. As Willie Stampler will tell dude to drink this magic potion and dude will go back to their home surrounded by everyone that they love, which is all of us. Now does that count as the magic? But how do we get that Willie doesn't follow? Huh? So wherever dude goes, Willie's probably going to go. And does a disguise trick a magic spell?

But like, like the spell says you have to do what Willie says. Like, so if some random person comes and says, my name is Willie Stampler and I've convinced you to be Willie Stampler. Well, you see, what you have to do is notarize this document. The heaven thing was like, is officially Willie Stampler. Yes, we'll change Hermie 2.0. Well, hereby be known. You will ask. Okay. All right. I got it. I cast planar ally.

You might be in hell, you might be in heaven. Scam likely is here to turn things up to 11. God, I love Scam. It's Normal Oak. Hi, do you remember me? I do. Okay. And Link, remember, I met you too. You don't remember me? No, not ringing any bells. Sorry. Drawing a complete line. Wait, you remember when Normal was there, right? Yes. And was there somebody with Normal? Like a vague shape in my memory. Okay, so you do remember me. Kind of just a blur. Okay. Mr. Likely. Is there Mrs. Likely?

There's an everyone likely. Wow. Okay. Everyone? Everyone in Goof Room has had a piece of the scam. Okay. Okay. So Mr. Likely, the last time we talked, you seemed really broken up as I was about the death of your son, Hermione the Unworthy. But,

you also said that like you could make a new one if we needed one. Yeah, easy peasy, lemon squeezy. So I'm wondering if you could make and send us vis-a-vis the spell I've just cast planar ally, a version of your son, Hermie the unworthy with all of the fabulous acting talent that he had, but, but name him Willie Stampler. Oh,

Oh, it's a scam. But importantly, we're on the same side of the scam. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. All right. You were one step ahead of me there, but yeah. And can you be trained on like, like more old fashioned movies, like just less Joker. What is it? Don't link. What are you doing?

He wouldn't be Hermione the Unworthy if he didn't love the Joker. That's fine. Unless he wanted to come in doing multi-tasking. Change one hair on that boy's head other than his name. And can he have some cool like action moves or like some powerful things to maybe, you know. Yeah, like if there was like, let's say a scale from let's say one to 20 for when this Hermione the Unworthy subversion should come out. Let's...

put him in more towards the 20s. Actually, I think just as a friend, normal, like I do actually think it's important that he's a little bit, because like I know you're saying it's not to bring him back, but like you got to be reminded. This is the same way he was. This is like a Build-A-Bear situation. Like he's just a thing.

We're just bringing. So actually, can you like a few different? Yeah. Like, like, what do you mean by that, Matt? Like, it's just, we're going to put the outfit that we want on him and he's going to look like we want him to look because it's for a purpose. It's not a person I need you. Otherwise I'm worried that you're going to like, you know, he's not coming back. That's just a risk. We're going to have to take my man. You can, if I get in too deep, you know, then just hand me that talk to put sticker. I had, you still have the talk to us, right?

Yeah, of course. Well, you just stick that talk to Chris on me and I'll talk to you. I wouldn't be able to talk to you if I wasn't holding it. Four, three, two, one. Here comes a fake version of my son. Boop. Hermie the Unworthy appears in front of you in full Joker regalia, unscarred from the last time you saw him. Well, but scarred in the same way Joker is scarred.

Yeah, Scar, like, emotionally, like, his twisted sort of take on the world. And you definitely were wondering how he got him, you know? But the first thing he does is he grabs Normal and does the, like, D-Day guy kissing the girl, like, famous image. Normal's going to make... Sorry, sorry, sorry. Like the mask? Sorry, not D-Day, V-Day. They didn't smooch everyone on...

D-Day. No, D-Day. D. D for victory. Like, that was it. That's a deleted scene from Saving Private Ryan that you don't want to see. Can you imagine how much history would change if they found, like, a picture of two soldiers smooching on D-Day? That'd be sick as fuck. That'd be so beautiful. Yeah. Normal's going to make a wisdom saving throw with disadvantage. I like that.

All right. Normal got a 16. Ooh. Okay. So normal. Holding it together. Normal is holding it together enough to know that he should slow down where his emotions are going right now. Normal kisses back with fury and passion and goes to like kind of grab the back of Hermes head and then says, no, I can't. No. No. I,

Hi, it's nice to see you too. Hi. Hello. Hi. Long time no see. Hey, what's up? My man. What's up? Just a Build-A-Bear, remember. Hi, Remy. Just a very charming Build-A-Bear. Could a Build-A-Bear do this? And then he doesn't do anything.

Oh my God. That's genius. Normal's going to roll a 20 in psychic damage. That's exactly what Build-A-Bears do, buddy. Nothing. Normal took 14 psychic damage from that. Mr. Hermie, Mr. The Unworthy. Who's Hermie? Oh yeah, this is Willie Stamps.

Mr. Stampler. I'm Willie Stampler. Mr. Stampler. That's right. Mr. Stampler. Mr. Stampler. It's nice to it's nice to meet you. We need you to we are hiring you for an acting job. Do you think you're up for it? Oh, I'm always up for an acting job. We need you to somehow he's behind you. We need you to impersonate that Willie Stampler. The other one. Well, I haven't seen too much of him.

in this form. So how are you going to train me on what I need to do to research? How are we going to train this Hermie AI on the data of Willie Stampler so that we can conceivably... That's a good question. We didn't go through that part of the plan. Hold on, hold on. I wish for an actor's breakdown three-ring binder of the character of Willie Stampler as written by Meryl Streep.

Mine, yeah, Meryl Streep. It's long. It's detailed. It is erudite. It is full of all the details that a would-be actor, aspiring actor would want to know about their craft, specifically vis-a-vis being Willie Stample. Which Meryl Streep is this? Is this renowned star of stage in 1920's Silver Screen Meryl Streep from Mountain to Death? Yeah, yeah, from Mountain to Death. So there's probably some anecdotes in there about his various liaisons with beautiful

women there's a lot of just glamour shots of Meryl Streep in the folder that are seemingly apropos of nothing I also wish for the hyperbaric time chamber that Goku trains in so that Willie Stampler William here I wish for the TikTok that Larry and Willie made while they were on break

And on Scary's phone, you see Willie doing a dance to Savage by Megan Thee Stallion, right? That's who it's by? Sure. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Lincoln in full Liverpool gear with his best friend right forward of Liverpool is like, guys, can we pay attention? Both of them fondling the World Cup between them. Guys, can we pay attention and let Hermie just work on the acting? Of course. Of course.

Yes. So there's a TikTok video of Willie dancing. So silly, totally cringe, not based AF at all to a popular TikTok trend video. And you can hear Larry being like, Oh,

Dude, you are nailing it. Is Larry the one operating the camera? Yeah. You're like a cop the way you protect and serve, my man. You do that trend, too, where it's like, here, record me. But the phone is flipping on the other side and you see the person recording and they're smiling the whole time. Just like, wow. Yes. And Larry's like, I love this. Hell yeah. He's like, God, I feel so young. Oh, man. Fuck yes, sir.

And I just love being with my buddy. My best man at my future wedding. When I get married to the one I love. Okay, I won't ever. Handcuffs. Cuffs like a cock, just like I said. I don't know how I feel about the cop stuff, but yeah, all right. Oh, man. Willie would love the cops.

Okay. Well, gotta wrap up the video now. Where do I press the button? I'm young. I'm hip. I know where to press the buttons. I press all the buttons of the ladies. That's me, Larry. I'm going to miss you so much if you ever leave. What a TikTok. This has four views. So we do all that.

As you finish watching that TikTok, you look back up and it's like Willie Stampler standing next to you. You didn't even need Meryl Streep after that. I dive to make sure Mercedes doesn't shoot me. Your gun is out already. She goes, Grandma, no, I believe that. Oh, right, right, right. Sorry. Reflex.

And she like mirrors her eyes. She holsters the gun, but she keeps her eyes nice and narrow. Can I roll to make sure that this is Hermie Willie Sampler and not Willie Willie Sampler? Yeah, let's do that. Dang, dude, that convincing, huh? I'm just a little scared. Perception or insight, up to you. Let's see which one I'm better at.

They're equally bad. So I'm going to roll perception. That's a 10. So with a 10, it's about an even chance that this is the real one versus the fake one. Cool. Yeah, let's go ahead with this plan. It's the real one. I know. Trust me. I know. I know. I want it to be the real one too. I'm just...

I'm just saying, you know, scary. It's him. Yeah. The only way. Yeah. Okay. Normal would know. Cause he really, you know, they really locked tongues and he loves. Yeah. I know. We don't keep the way I figured kissing him would feel like. So I'm pretty sure it's him. It's pretty much exactly what happened to my imagination. No. Yeah. It was like, since he changed, you probably kiss him. Maybe somebody else should kiss him. That'd be weird. That would be weird. Nobody else kissed Hermes. So we've, nobody else knows how it feels. You could kiss him again, just to make sure it's still him. Uh,

That's okay. He looks like an old man now. That was a test, buddy. Good job. Build-A-Bear, right? Don't think about it. No more kissing. No more kissing.

Good job. Good job, normal. I give the daddy juice jar of our memories to Willie Stampler. To fake Willie Stampler. Willie Scampler. Willie Scampler. That's great. I give it to Willie Scampler and I say, okay, Mr. Scampler. You get inspiration for that, Beth. Yay. Here's your motivation. In a couple of seconds, a eldritch teenager named Dude is going to come into this room and we need you to tell Dude to drink this and think of home. Hmm.

what's my motivation? That's your motivation is that you're an actor and you want to act that. The director for the agent. By the way, did I just solve directing? You might have solved directing, dog. I think it's almost word for word what Hitchcock said to the Lady and the Birds when she asked him. Hermes, you've seen like... Tippi Hedren. Tippi Hedren, yeah. Willie Samuels is like cruel jerk, right? So just like...

You're really angry at dude and you hated your home because there's nothing worse than you're a shitty kid and your shitty wife. So when you think of the worst place you've ever sent a bad guy to, it would be their home. And you're really disappointed in dude there because he just did something you didn't like. So when he comes here, you just angrily tell them to go home.

This is, by the way, the difference between a director and a writer giving notes to an actor. Just Matt's like, here's this whole thing that you're playing. I'm like, do the script. Say the words I told you to say. It's perfect as is. I don't know why you have questions. So Willie Scampley goes,

Yeah, I think I can do that. Not a problem. All right. I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of fucking shit. All right. Bring him in. Dude, that was sick. No no's for Anthony. I say I bring dude here. I wish dude was here. I sure wish dude was here. Boop.

Dude appears and goes, huh? Hey, dude. What's going on? It's okay. We're going to send you home. But we brought Willie Stampler with us because he had something he wanted to tell you. Okay. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to have Hermie roll deception or performance to see if he's going to convince our boy. So we got a 16. So Willie Stampler is going to say, all right, piece of shit. Drink this because you suck so bad. And think about going home because home sucks. And that's where you deserve to go because you're the fucking worst.

And dude goes, okay, did I not do a good job? You did a terrible fucking job. You did awful, awful, awful job. And you made me really disappointed. It's like when you have friends house and they start fighting with their parents. Should I say something? You suck. All my hopes were on you and you completely fucked it up. So yeah, drink it. I don't want to ever see you again. Oh no. It seems like a bummer note to leave our friend on. We all love you though. Just so to be clear, we're all just- They don't fucking matter. And-

Willie, why don't you tell dude that after they finish drinking that liquid, they can take off the cuffs that are making them follow your every order? Oh, yeah. And take out those cuffs. We're supposed to turn you into something cool and make you more than you are. But instead, they just prove that you're nothing. So go ahead and take those cuffs off right after you drink all that jizz or whatever the fuck that is. And dude goes, okay, I guess. Sorry.

And dude is going to... And dude drinks the daddy magic that you've spent so very long collecting. And dude immediately begins to glow purple with otherworldly energies, the likes of which you've only sort of glimpsed out the corner of your eye as you love your parents and as your parents have loved you. And his daddy magic has infused every waking moment of your lives. And dude is going to reach up to the collar around their neck.

And dude begins to pull. And at that moment, the door to the heaven kicks open and Willie Stampler, not scamper, but Stampler is there breathing hard and heavy. And he goes, wait, you know, that no one knows us better than us. You should tell us it'll be okay.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. For tomorrow, makes the only change. We gotta pick ourselves up today, no, not today. Just so we can act tomorrow.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlowe. And myself, Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Els is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

This show is supported by our Patreon, and that Patreon is full of members with cool names like: Lara Janeka, Katherine Vanya, Travis Dart, B. Weiderweif, Brian Timm, Kristen A. Drake, Carter Milius, Gargoyle B, Chris Winnick, Optimus TW20, Sam Rogerson, Louise Rapson, Midnight Ranger.

Rachel, Ethan Aumet, Joe Pierce, Alexandra, Jacob Cleary, Anuvang Suksavath, and David and Hannah Bath. Big news, our merch shop is back. We've partnered once again with DFTBA to be our merch fulfillment provider. So head on over to store.dungeonsofdice.com and browse our fine wares available once again. And some good news for you as well. Both the Deck of Daddy things and the Season 1 dice set are back in stock. These have been hot ticket items in the past. Now is your chance to get your hands on them.

The great folks over at DFTBA, as well as Brian, Ashley, Courtney, Cindy, and Danny, our developer, they busted ass getting everything back. So big ups, big round of applause for these heroes. Once again, if you were affected by our previous merch provider going bankrupt during Black Friday, we recommend that you dispute that previous charge. And if you still have issues or questions, just hit us up at community at dungeonsanddags.com and we'll do our best to get you sorted. You can find our website as well as all the links to all our stuff at dungeonsanddags.com. And you can find our next episode in the future, March 12th. We will see you then.

We gotta pick ourselves today. No, not today. For tomorrow makes me can't change. Say, not today. No, not today. Need to sorrow. Not tomorrow. Popular dance trends compilation. What was the one that really popped off like a couple of years ago? The Harlem Shake. That was quite a couple of years ago. I can ask cheeseburger levels of outdated. TikTok dance.