S2 Ep. 5 - Dance Dance Revelations
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the trumpet! Trumpet! Trumpet! Trumpet! Trumpet! Trumpet!

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. A podcast instead about four teens in a world forever changed by the metaverse, crypto, and an elder god that their grandparents unleashed accidentally. My B. My B. Like my bad. Oh, my B. Oh. Oh, shit. That's some real teen talk. Man, the chemistry today is on fire. My name is Freddie Wong. It is on fire today. I play Taylor Swift, the Rad Ranger. And I'm a...

anime loving cool teen. Who's just scored the red Ranger, but you're the rad Ranger. The rad Ranger. Yeah. Yeah. Who's just scored a date to the upcoming dance, which makes you the green Ranger. That's true. The green Ranger was so fucking dope. So fucking rad. Do you think the green or your smoked weed? Anyway, Taylor's a rad fact for this week. Taylor as a survivalist, as a practitioner of the various weapon arts, uh,

has a thing out for throwing stars. You might think like, oh, he likes anime. He's a survivalist. Certainly he's got some throwing stars. No, no throwing stars. We canonically established that you had throwing stars in like the first episode of the podcast.

Like any good anime, he can change his mind a few episodes later. It doesn't matter, Will. If he has throwing stars, he doesn't use them, Will, because he believes that throwing stars are actually impractical in actual usage. They're limited. There's so many better weapons you can use, but secretly it's because one time Taylor set up a cardboard box in his backyard to practice throwing stars, and he threw it wrong, and he cut his hand. And then ever since then, he's been scaled.

throwing stars. So then as a result to compensate, he's like, throwing stars are actually not. No true warrior uses throwing stars. They're fabrication. Does he have the kukiri? Do you know what I mean? Like what's the little knife that Naruto throws? He could never figure out how to throw that well. So instead he just refuses to throw throwing stars. Anthony, go ahead and put that. I see that you're typing that into the notes. Great. Just establishing some more canonical. No, I'm tweeting at Jason David Frank, the actor who played the Green Ranger and asking if he smoked weed.

Ah, very good, very good, very good. He hasn't posted since February 25th, so I'm not smoking a lot of weed. My hopes are not high. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled-at-home soccer kid who's the petrified paladin. Yeah? Does that, right? Wow. I like that. I mean, your anxiety over it is very in character. Yeah, okay, so there we go. A little rad fact about Lincoln. I know it's not Halloween, but this fact's about Halloween. Lincoln always has the same costume, which is his future self as a great soccer player. Mm-hmm.

on a team. And then he always gets insecure about it. Like he always gets it because his dad's like, yeah, you should really envision your future. And he's like, well, I'm going to be a great soccer player. So it's with his jersey. It's on Chelsea. It's, you know, the year 2050 or whatever it is. But he's always like, I'm not good enough to be a great soccer player. So his dad's costumes every year are his two biggest fans. Oh,

Oh my God. So it's a group costume and they go around and just hype him as he walks around as his future soccer player. I can't top this dad fact. That's the most awesome thing I've ever heard in my life. Can I ask what's the candy rules for Lincoln around Halloween? He gets one candy a night until next Halloween. Oh my God.

So he gets his years of life. He's trying to get that 356. That's the secret number. He's got to get 356 candies. Canonically, there's only 356 days because the Earth has changed its orbit a little bit. What are you talking about? 365 days a year, man. How old are you? Hey, this is the future. No, there's all the days he doesn't have candy for a little bit. Nope, nope.

The weight and the gravitational shift from the doodler has given every month one extra day. So now it's 300. So now it's less days? Less days. Less days.

Whatever I say is right. Whatever the thing is to make my thing make sense. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oak, a perky, chirpy, fucking perky, peppy, chipper, cheery school spirit mascot kid and the Claritin Cleric because he has allergies. Love it. My dad fact about Normal today is that Normal has a big sister named Hero Oak. What? And Hero is a senior. What?

At Video Game High School. What? So you dare. How dare you? You can't do that. The first thing Anthony's going to do is that Video Game High School blows up. He's going to be like, hey, on the news today you find out. All right, well, he does have a big sister named Hero. H-E-R-O, like the character from Much Ado About Nothing. Ah.

Oh, wow. I didn't think we could say anything about video game high school. We didn't think we could do that. Okay. No, you know, I was expecting... We have two of the three other stakeholders in here right now. Yeah, but I'm the one in charge of this universe. Yeah, you can do whatever you want, Anthony. Captain America showed up in Free Guy. Fuck it, baby. There's Hulk. We got Hulk in this one, everyone. I was really hoping you were all going to get really upset and yell at me over it, and then it would be fun that I trolled you into putting video game high school in, but now that it's like I've gotten permission, it's kind of taken the joy out of it. And that's how you parent. Yeah.

It was great too. It's like, it's all the other universes that are canonically in our universe. Like the girl, the dragon tattoo universe. Yeah. That's the only other fictional universe that shares its canon. Read those books. Technically our show takes place in the real world. So any movie that took place in the real world is part of what happened. No, it's just the girl with the dragon tattoo series. Oh,

Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. I guess a better way because you guys all changed. Do you think it's better than our alliteration? She's a wacky warlock. A wacky warlock.

She's a wacky werewolf warlock. She's a woman warlock. She's a warlock of divorce. Warlock. All of those things. Here's a deep cut. Rad facts. First crush that Scary had was on the evil penguin in The Pebble and the Penguin. I think his name is Drake or something. Oh my God.

The sound of this movie's Google search results reaching above two over the last year for the first time in a decade. Don Booth sat up from his nap in a cold sweat. Oh, guess who plays the evil penguin? It's Tim Curry. Tim Curry. Yeah. Okay, that makes sense then. He's just cast on. But he's hot. This is a zaddy penguin for sure. I see that for scary. Yeah. It's weird to see a penguin that has teeth. I'll put that on. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yikes. That's true. They have to wear the cape. And it's his leg day and his whole muscle on top. Oh, man. This is a disgusting film. I feel like I get scary better now, though, honestly. I feel like I do, too. I feel like I just understood her better. I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. So the bad news is today I was late, but the good news is that I got to meet Beth's mom before we started. And I know what you're thinking. I'm not going to talk. I'm not going to make jokes about how I'm going to get to third base with Beth's mom or anything like that. I'm not going to make jokes about that. It's not a joke.

I am gonna talk about how I'm gonna get to second base with that smell. We are gonna do so much over the clothing petting, so much TG-13 groping and caressing.

Last episode, you tracked down a kid named Abe Gould, Lou Bega. So was he actually Lou Bega? He wasn't actually Lou Bega. If your name anagrams to someone else, you just channel that person's energy? Is that what it is? Yeah, I think, I mean, I have my own head of canon for it, but maybe it will be relevant later on. Yeah, he bonded with an acolyte of the doodler and tried to take parts of a bunch of different ladies to make a weird science kind of homunculus like ultra woman for himself to date. You stopped him. You got Erica Drippen's teeth back.

She's absent for this episode because she's currently getting them all put back in. She's too popular for us. She's too popular for you, frankly. Not for Taylor. Not for Taylor. And then, yeah, that night, a couple of FBI guys came to Link's house. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. They wanted to know why he went to the police. The non-linear storytelling of this season is a lot like Pulp Fiction. It's really fascinating. Yeah. Yeah. We pick up at school. It's Friday. The dance is tonight. And while all of you are in your separate classes...

Your badges vibrate and you get a message saying that you need to meet in the gross bathroom. And you immediately know what that is because there's one bathroom on campus that has never worked. All the stalls are clogged and horrible and it's stinky and nobody ever goes in there. And Pepperoni Tony keeps saying he's going to fix it and he never does. Lincoln has not been into any of the bathrooms. He thinks they're all... Is Lincoln still pissing outside? No, he holds it and he thinks all the public bathrooms are gross. So he's like, the gross bathroom. So Lincoln is going to enter and look around in every bathroom. Yeah.

Normal on his way from wood shop covered in splinters sees Link walking around and says, Link, no, the gross one's over here. That's not the gross one. Is this the girls' bathroom? Don't go in the girls' bathroom. That's illegal. Oh, hey. Hi, Taylor. Wait, what? You need me to go in the girls' bathroom? Is that the gross one? Yeah. Well, I just assumed the girls' one was really nice. No. What do you get up to in there? Oh, man. Could you talk a little bit about it? We just put tampons everywhere.

Wait, what? Yeah, no, girls' bathrooms are completely disgusting. Well, now you got me wondering which bathroom is the gross bathroom. I text back my badge and I ask, what bathroom do you mean? She says girls' bathroom near the field. Wait, but we can't go in that one.

I think if Scary writes us all a note and we all go in with Scary, we can go into the girls' bathroom. Okay. That's what an ally looks like. Please forgive these freaks as they come into the girls' bathroom. It's super necessary. I tape it on my shirt. I tape that on my shirt. Okay, let's go. So inside this- Oh my God. Oh my God. I mean-

I mean, it's not that dirty. It's like nobody's used it in a really long time. It doesn't smell great. Like, it feels like the toilet's probably clogged a long time ago, but it's not like the shit's still in it or anything like that. All the stall doors are open and May Hales steps out from one of them and goes, hey, come here. We got a job. Agent Hales. Yeah.

Yeah. She's also covered in blood. Whoa. Oh, my God. So this is what happens in the girls' bathroom. Yeah. Look, okay, so I found out a bunch of stuff. Okay, lay it on us. Long and short of it is that you need to get to the dance tonight. You need to be there tonight when it happens. Oh, I don't think that'll be much of a problem at all. Okay, as you say that, the announcement's starting. You hear Vice Principal Pepperoni Tony saying, VPPT. As I...

As a reminder, there's no going stag to the dance. You have to have a date. We're not allowing no losers at the dance. You have to have a date and you gotta kiss them. That's the rule. No losers. Pepperoni Tony out. And Mayhale goes, oh, yikes. Well, that's a you problem. I tortured that weird monster you brought in. You what? I got some information from him. I tortured him. Oh,

Okay. What, is that not? I mean, it's too late now. You can't untorture a goblin, but. Oh, well, I mean, you're my boss. So do you want me to like not do that in the future? In the future. Run it up past us, I think. You were situationally okay with torturing people. I just, I can't. Look, lady, I'm 14. What do you want from me? I don't know. You're my boss. I mean, it's fair. Okay, it's fair. I didn't even get any permission from torturers.

Oh, good. What a relief. Yeah, yeah. I just asked him and then he didn't give me anything useful after I tortured him. It was waste time. Just don't do that anymore. Okay. Or if you are going to do it, don't tell us about it. That feels worse. That feels way more worse. No, I'm saying don't do it. But if you do...

We're kids. We can't hear these things. There's lots of things adults do that they don't tell us about. So let's keep that relationship between the adults and us teens, okay? Okay. But don't do it. I won't. She says, winking at you. No, that sounds like you're going to do it, though. But you said that I could.

And just not to tell you, and I'm not winking. I didn't say you could. I'm not going to torture somebody. Look, don't. But if you do. If I did. If you do. But I wouldn't. But you won't. Leave a note in this bathroom. And then if we want to know, we'll check the bathroom. How about that? Okay.

Yeah, I can do that. Okay, okay, that makes sense. But yeah, don't. I won't, she says, taking out a notepad, writing, I tortured that thing you found, and then putting the stick-it note on the door. That one doesn't count because you already told us about that one and I flushed it down the toilet. All right, well, it doesn't work at all. It's one o'clock.

It just stays red. Now I tortured that guy just sitting in the toilet. The important thing is the place that he came out in was a school, which like was obvious because that's where you found him in that kindergarten. And he said that the creature that he was with said that it, quote, didn't want to start a run mid-session. So then they went to the kindergarten. So I use that info and I narrow the search to high schools and I found a big energy reading under yours that's been building up over time to an incursion tonight.

These incursion holes, they match up with a different name I saw repeated in your dad's files. What was that? Oh, yeah, I don't want to, but like somebody named Nicholas, he said that if you go and close a hole, you would get a lot of, it would be a glorious thing. You would get a lot of glory. I don't get it. Oh, oh, thank God. It doesn't matter. Great. I was thought you were going to connect on that. We're going to have to keep saying glory hole, but no, no. What's a cool name? No, no. They're incursion holes. That's way cooler. Glory holes. Glory holes.

Glory Hole sounds pretty cool to me. I feel like a soccer would be cooler rather than kicking it in the net. You kick it in the Glory Hole. No, you can't. Hey, Scary, what do you think about Glory Hole as the name of a band? Taylor, that's the coolest name I've ever heard. Print up some merch and distribute it. I think it's going to be a real hit. This is why I didn't have kids. Oh, fuck. This sucks. That's great. We'll just cancel the dance. That's great. Nobody has to stress out about going. Yeah. We can't cancel the dance. We cannot cancel.

anything to cancel the dance i need to be clear that this dance is happening motherfuckers why taylor what taylor let me break it down for you here's what's gonna happen you're gonna go you think you're going out with erica drippings i am you're gonna say hey erica do you want a slow dance and she's gonna say maybe later and then that's gonna have a couple times and then the dance is gonna be over i clearly remember her saying no she did not i mean she didn't say the words no but all the words she said put together she furrowed her brow and nodded

That's a yes. Be that as it may. Scary, does she say yes or no? Recording D&Dads right now. Would you go out? Are you texting Elise? Whoa, wait, Scary. Scary, you got Erica's number? Scary, you got Erica's number? I don't know why you have to worry about this. Beads of sweat gathering on Taylor's forehead. I texted Elise. Risky text sent. Uh-oh. Shh.

Uh-oh. What'd she say, Scary? Oh, that was to a different text. I'm sorry. All right, we'll figure it out later. Oh, it says my post base is on the way. Also, that and, like, weirdly, there are sort of tunnels, and she points into the stall, and instead of a toilet there, there's just this big kind of platform. Not to freak you out, but this is another form of Upy Downy machine. And she presses the button, and it shoots downward. And she goes, yeah, I went around looking after I finished killing the little thing that you brought me. Did you kill the dude? What?

Oh, oh, so you're upset that I killed it after torturing it? Would it be better if I didn't kill it after torturing it? If we didn't want you to tell us about torturing, why would you think you'd want us- You know what? I'll take that. I also won't, winking, kill-

Anyone after I winking, don't torture them. Miss Hales, this is going to come up on your performance review. And then as you look at Taylor, he's got thumbs up. So anyway, if you ever want to get to daddy's HQ or any of your homes or the school really quickly, there are these tunnels that connect to all of them. So there's fast travel tunnels. Hey, that's a good way. That's a good way to put it. Yeah, I guess there's fast travel. OK, how do we close these holes? OK, so yeah, that I

I don't know. You gotta find something to plug the glory hole, right? But basically, like, the glory... We gotta jam something into the glory hole. No, yeah, you... The thing I didn't kill told me that it only actually appears in space when it's spitting something out into our world, the incursion point. So I guess you just have to sit around, wait around for that thing to sort of open, and then maybe you can close it. Did you get any idea as to where in our school such a thing, a portal, might open up? It's gonna be in the cafeteria, which you're using for the dance, right?

And also, you managed to stop the on-the-sauce person from killing anybody, and you did it without, this time, killing anybody else. So you get... The horse was injured. Well, I mean, no horse can really be injured as long as they live in your heart. Okay. So yeah, you get 10 Daddy Warbucks for that.

And she hands them to you. For some reason, these are like almost all Will. Daddy Will Bucks. Daddy Will Bucks. I wanted to give you these. And she upgrades your badges. She taps them with a little digital stick. And it says, Daddy's, you know, and then your name. And it says level two because you all leveled up. Yay! Yay!

Is this like growing up? We got stronger? God, not really. Like growing up, like you think you're stronger and then you get a little bit stronger than that. And you realize like, I actually wasn't, I was actually weak. Like it's not a straight line. It's not. I love, I have a lot of stuff going on. I can cast speak with animal without expending a spell slot now. That's going to be so fun for.

Anybody who might have to voice those animals? Yeah. We wouldn't have the FBI help us or anything, right? Because none of you guys had the FBI. Right? What do you mean? What about the FBI? You had the FBI show up last night. Me neither. I mean, no. Roll deception with disadvantage, Link. I got a natural 20. With disadvantage. So that's a shame that that doesn't mean anything unless you roll another natural 20. I stopped listening once you...

15. 15. Okay, so everybody roll a perception or insight, rather. I know that he's lying to me. I got an 18. I believe him. Got a natural one. Taylor is clueless. The FBI stopped my torrent network of fine animes, but little did they know that all I had to do was include my traffic. Making sure that nobody, yeah, it's just good that we haven't gotten in trouble yet. That's great. Normal texts link a question mark.

That Bezos energy. But I leave it at that for now. I text him back. I say, I'm right here. And I look at him. I text back, dot, dot, dot, question mark, question mark. Does normal text you guys while he's with you? No.

Norm, what's up? What happened with the FBI, man? That's what I just said. Nothing happened with the FBI. That's why I brought it up. Norm, lay off him, all right? Yeah, Norm, like, why are you so suspicious, man? I just get a vibe that Link isn't being entirely honest with us. You're being hella among us right now. I'm not trying to be among us. I'm not saying anyone is suspicious. If something happened with the FBI, I'd tell you. I did tell you when the FBI came over to my house. FBI came over to my house.

Remember a couple years ago when we prank called the president? The president! Well, the FBI showed up. Those were good times. Yeah, man, I miss that. I was sharing a lot of Disney animes and, well, you know, the local newspaper tells the sordid tale of that one. Cut to Family Guy style, a front page of a newspaper. Local teen...

raided by FBI and you see a younger Taylor in the doorway like screaming and being held back by his mom as like the FBI just is like smashing his computers it is so deeply emotionally crushing to me that you refer to a jump cut to a flashback as you know like in Family Guy so Mayhale says like okay well if the FBI did like we don't fuck with the FBI like they're bad they're bad what we're not a big

Big fans of the FBI here at Daddy's. How about the police? No, I mean, the police just don't listen. Firefighters? Yeah, firefighters are fine. Okay. Ambulance drivers? So I'm going to head back to HQ and not clean up a lot of not blood. They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number smart bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

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So we have to find a way to shut down this hole. More than that, you need dates. I mean, there's four of us, so we just pair up. Why don't we just go out with each other? Yeah, just pair up. I'm taken. Well, we haven't figured that out yet. You're not taken. Has she responded? No. I'm just saying, like, if I'm going... Either I'm going out with Erica or...

I need to make sure that I'm available in case she says yes to that text message. I am reserved. Taylor, for our dads, we got to stop this thing, which means we need dates. Otherwise, we're losers. I will not besmirch the good name of my date by committing to another date without confirmation. There's a knock on the bathroom door on the outside. We're busy. We're busy. Yeah, this is our clubhouse. Wait, it could be somebody we could date. Oh, hey. Hello? So you open the door and it's Hermie the Unworthy and he goes, hello. Hello.

Hello, scary. It might well be perhaps someone, perhaps that you could perhaps date maybe. I just noticed you were in the scary bathroom, the gross bathroom for a while. I thought something may have happened. I just wanted to check to make sure you were safe. I am a very considerate man, as you can see by my checking on you. I just know that you're doing fine. So I'm going to...

Just gonna, I guess, unless you had something you want to ask me, I guess I could just give you the space that you require because I'm a good, because I understand, I accept, I respect the agency of a woman. I think I need some...

Yeah. I'd love to give you what you need. I'm dealing with a lot right now and I think I just need some space. Some space. Yeah. Yeah. Happy to give you some space. I can, I can like, like wait outside for, and we can talk. Yeah. We're all really like, we got a lot of stuff. We're taking a long time in here, man. If you could just give us. Oh, there's many people in there. Yeah. All friends, right? Just friends. Just, just friends. Yeah. All friends. Perfect. Hermie, go away. Okay. Okay. Okay. My kitten's got claws. Okay.

And Hermie steps away by walking backwards but still maintaining eye contact. Oh, no. All right, so no one's going out with Hermie. That's for sure. Okay, fine. Taylor, we'll figure you out in a second. But, like, right? I mean... Well, all right. How do you get a date? It's not a real date. So can you just go with normal or whatever? Or, like, go with me and then the other one will find one? No. Okay. Okay. Okay, well...

Everybody knows that going with your friend is like more embarrassing than even a friend. Yeah. Oh, you better watch it, though. Yeah. Because. Yeah. Here's what I propose. As you can see, while you were talking, I lied about the FBI. I can't lie to my friends. I can't say anything more about it. OK, just trust me. OK, they came to my house. That's all. Let's talk about game dates. I want to give you a high five right now. School spirit. High five.

for opening up and trusting us. I don't know if I have a lot to do that. They said a lot of confusing stuff to me, so I'm just going to stay low and I'll talk to you guys more when I can. Let's just get these dates, okay? All right. Well, as you can see, I've constructed construction paper flyers advertising each one of us and our various qualities, and there's these little tabs here, so I figured we could put these on the community announcement bulletin board and then anyone that wants to date us can just grab

one and then we'll pick one. My first step was I was just going to go through, we have the list, so I was just going to go see everybody who said no to me being a pervert. I was going to hit them up first. That's a great excuse. That's a good way to narrow it down. Unfortunately, it does look like, everybody actually said I was a pervert except for Erica, and I don't want to get on Taylor's thing, but I was like, maybe I'll just ask her. What if she winds up going with someone else, then you and Taylor can go together? I said let's pair

off that's fine i think that it's fair i mean listen that won't happen you should have another backup because i'm going with erica okay but you will go with me if erica for some reason gets sick okay so unavailable on the record day normal then we all got dates and you can just pretend to kiss norm yeah if we go to this dance together you can't wear the mascot outfit

Are you serious? I'm serious. Norm, you need to find a woman who loves you for who you are. All right, let me go look. And if I can't find anybody, then we can talk about it. Okay. I go and I put a construction paper bulletin on the community announcements that says, like, it's me, normal. You know, the guy in the mascot costume. Would you like to go on a date with Teenie the Teen and talk about school spirit and have a fun time? If so...

Rip one of these things off and put it in my locker with your name on it. Really quick, Beth, can you send me Elise's number? Are you going to? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are you going to text Elise? That's really good. Oh, fuck. No, Beth. Wait, I got to. No, fuck. You don't have her number. I'm going to text. Yeah, God damn.

I need to know if my dates going with another person both texture We don't get to see what we each other say, but we both write our messages then we hit send at the same time But we don't hit you have to hit send at the same time Okay, so I have my text message done you have yours ready yeah, I've already sent it dude what oh

No, okay, on three. One, two, three. Sorry. Son of a bitch, you can't, you fucking. What are you doing, Taylor? I'm just asking. It's not a big deal. Do you want to read our texts? Okay, yeah, I'll go first. Yeah, read your texts aloud. What are you saying? What are you saying, Taylor? I said, hey, Erica, this is your boy, T-Swift. Just checking in on what time to pick you up for the dance. Smiley face emoji, lady dancing emoji, thumbs up emoji, three sunglasses emojis, and the avocado.

I just wrote, hey, Erica, it's Link. Hope your teeth are better. Sorry about my hand in your mouth. But glad it all worked out. Anyways, I just need to know if you're going to dance with Taylor. Not a big deal. Just your answer. We'll decide if I need to find another date. Have a great day. Oh, my God. Have a great day. Oh, my God. I literally just texted Elise, like, recording D and Dads right now. Would you go out with Freddie's character?

Have a great day and keep being your best self. Best link. It's a real Wolverine Cyclops situation. Oh my God. We're both fighting for Taylor. No,

No, I mean, for her, that's her choice. No, her choice is Taylor or not. I'm not asking to go with her. I'm asking if she's going with Taylor or not. Well, you did. You didn't listen. It definitely sounds like... I'm going to need to find another date that you're going with. Wait, is Red like I was asking her out? I was trying to say that if Taylor... Well, no, because you said like that she needs to... Yeah, I was just saying, oh, okay. Not cool. I was trying to do you a solid, like, I didn't want to tell her that you also promised me to go on the date. I was just saying, hey, just to be clear, just to be clear... Roll a d20 to see if your phone dies. Ha ha ha ha ha.

I need to roll to see if I die. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Roll your D100. Just to be clear, I'm not asking you out. It's that if you don't go with Taylor, I'm going with him. I got a 59. I'm still alive. Still alive. What am I rolling? The masturbation? Wisdom saving throw.

A 10. So I think you say it's 34 right now at this point, I think? I think so, yeah. Holy shit. It pays to not masturbate, kids. I don't know what to tell you. You did put up an advertisement. I put up a construction paper advertisement. So I feel like that's a persuasion roll with disadvantage. Because a piece of paper is doing the persuading for you. And your reputation is probably not amazing. My reputation has preceded me.

Well, I got a 10. So I guess one person should answer then. So Hermie the Unworthy shows up and goes, hello, normal. I see you require companionship to the dance. Is it like meat under the tree outside? Like where are we to do these like interviews and auditions? In the note, I said like take the green tab and slip it into my locker. So I feel like what happens is I open the locker. I see the green tab. I close it and Hermie the Unworthy is on the other side.

Oh, hey, Hermione, what's up, dude? Don't visit your locker very much, I see. I mean, yeah, I've just kind of been waiting. You know, I've been a little nervous that no one was going to answer, but someone did. Isn't this crazy?

Yes. Isn't it? You answered, didn't you? A gentleman never tells. But that's specifically the point was- Yes, I guess it was me. Yes. Hello, hello. Do you want to go to the dance with me, Hermie? The question is, do you want to go to the dance with me? I mean, like, you know, it would have been kind of mean for me to put this out there and then not say yes to the one answer. So if you want to go, like, I just, you know, if this is like some weird thing about scary though, because like we're probably going to go together. So if this is just an excuse to hang out with scary, I'm kind of not into that. If you're suggesting-

That I would want to hang out with a man who refuses to take off a mascot costume just solely to increase my own cachet by seeming so much more attractive by comparison in a formal situation. If you're implying that I have some sort of machinations that you are merely a gear in the larger cog and machinery of. That is what I'm implying. I guess that's what I'm asking you. Frankly, that's offensive. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. To think that I could be so...

Devious. All right. Does he make a persuasion check? Why don't you roll insight? Okay.

Oh, no. I got a seven. He could be telling the truth. He could be lying. Who knows? Well, you know, Hermie, maybe I misjudged you. Perhaps you did. Maybe you can make up to me at the dance. Okay. Or maybe you could have been scared to make up for me at the dance. Or maybe it's just you. Maybe I'd be happy either way. I don't. Or maybe there's only one way I'd be happy. I feel like you should have to make another persuasion check. You have to make another insight check.

All right, I got the 19 now. All right, come on now. You got greedy, man. You got greedy. I can't, I can't. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know, but you're a nice guy. You know. Of course I'm a nice guy. I mean, you're not, but if you learn to be a nice guy, but you get some nice girl or guy or fella or lady or whoever would like you. So just maybe try to not be so much of a creep in the future. So make a dexterity saving throw. Okay.

I got a 19. Okay, so he tries to shove you into your locker. You see it coming a mile away. I step out of the way. Okay, so he just puts his hand forward and then steps forward trying to shove you in the locker. You step out of the way. His hand hits the locker, and then he very swiftly turns as if he's just leaning against the locker, and he goes, look. God damn, he's smooth. Let me be real with you. In the words of Jane Austen, you have no prospects, nor do I.

The only chance we have of getting the people that we want is to be at that dance, wait for their inevitable heartbreak at the end of whichever knuckle-dragging buffoon they decide to go with because you know as well as I that girls love to go with assholes. So I just wait for that asshole to break her heart. You can wait for some asshole to break somebody, I don't know, whatever you're interested in. And then who's there to pick up those pieces? Who's there to reassemble that broken, broken woman into something that will make out with me? That's me. Oh my God. And that's going to be you.

You know what? I'm going to reassemble your broken pieces, Hermie Unworthy. And I'm going to show you that maybe it's time to just have a good time with someone and not have to worry about all that stuff. So you know what? I will go out with you because, frankly, I think someone needs to keep an eye on you. Perfect. So, yeah, that sounds good. You got a date. Perfect. All according to plan. At least text him back. So Taylor takes one look at his phone and goes, hey.

and puts it away and says, I'm all spoken for. I'm sorry, Link. That's okay. I just want to make sure. You're going to need to find someone, but I'm more than happy to help you out. Yeah. Link would not give this away to the rest of the crew because he respects Taylor, but I do want to just shout out Elise's role playing via text, which is Elise sent back, Link, how did you get this number?

Yes, I'm going with Taylor. Their mom is rich. Let me read you. I would not say that to you. I look at you. I can't give you a sad look like, oh, I'll read that. I'll read Lisa's text back to me. Her response was, do you have money, a car? And then I responded, yes, my mom is rich and I have a self-driving car. She will loan me guaranteed. And then her response was,

Okay, fine. But don't tell anyone. I reserve the right to change my mind. And we enter separately. And then my response back, which I haven't heard back from him is,

So, like, do you need a ride, though? Great. She never texted me back. True role-playing genius. Guys, I got a date with Hermie the Unworthy. I think I can fix him. He just needs some school spirit. He just needs to realize that because he goes to this school, he's a number one teen who can believe in himself. Link, okay, if I go on, like, one speed date,

and then I don't like him, maybe we should go out. I'm just saying. Oh, okay. That's fine with me. Guys, I gotta admit, I've been homeschooled and like, this is really confused because like I've never been on a dance before and I was like, are we trying to do it to like get to the dance? Are we trying to define love and both of them

Scary to me. You're not helping the case here, man. I just wanted to get there, so I was going to go out and be a chaperone or something. But I'm cool with going with you, Scary, if you don't like the boy or whoever you're going to go talk. Go on your date. You're on a date now. That's cool. I don't care. Oh, this is great because I actually went ahead. I got carried up in the moment, and I did put up a construction paper flyer for you, Scary. Oh, my God. So there should be some options waiting for you in your locker. She opens her locker. So I rolled a d20 to see how many responses you got, and I rolled a 19. Oh.

Wow. So Kellogg's Pop-Tart locker situation. Yeah, you have your pick of the litter of all the school's most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes. Make sure to see all 19 so that Anthony has to role play all 19 tweens. I was actually thinking about doing literally exactly that. If we wanted to do speed dating where I do 19 different personalities and voices. Or we could round robin them. Oh, that's true. We could round robin. Oh, that's pretty good. Okay. So Anthony, here's what I want. I want you to Discord Matt, Will, myself. We'll all come in with different personalities.

Names, though. I want names. You throw me names. So I just grabbed 19 names from our Patreon forum where people can submit names, and I just plugged them into our Discord so we can do a round robin of speed dating. You go first, Will, and then it'll go to me. All right. So Becca Cornstarch walks up to Terry in her marching band uniform and says, Hi, Scary. I saw your note, and I thought it was so nice. Next.

Dick Spencer, Australian. Dick Spencer's the name. Dick Pleasure is the game. Oh, I don't have a dick.

You don't. Oh, well, fuck you then. Next. Hey, it's me, Billy Steves Cake. Just been, we were coming back from the weight room and I just saw, you know, I was working out my quads. It's a leg day. You're never skipping. I mean, I saw you have a thing up and you're looking for a date. So I was thinking, you know, you and me. What do you say? Tell me about your favorite music. Oh,

It's just a lot of like classic rock, like 30 Seconds to Mars. Paramore. Paramore. Oh. Like... Panic at the Disco. Panic at the Disco. Led Zeppelin 2. Led Zeppelin 2. The second Led Zeppelin. Sounds like you're in the really gritty stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever it takes to get that pump. You know what I mean? I think I've found my... No! Not this guy! No!

Not this fucking guy! At least hear what Matt's gonna do with Yarn the Untangler. Oh, there's this dude behind me who's just been like... Yarn the Untangler comes sprinting to the table. Is your name scary? Yeah. Have you... Has the date been taken yet? Has the date been taken yet? Bro, I think... What? I aren't going, bro. Oh. Wait, is this... This is the right place though, right? Yes, this is the right place. Oh, fuck!

Okay. Fuck. All right. He runs back. He leaves. On the way back. He clearly does not go to the school, by the way. Oh my God. He just runs off campus. Don't know who this person is.

Hey, Link, I think, yeah, I think I'll go with you. Wait, what? Oh. Yeah, that's great. Classic teenager move of saying yes to somebody and just going with someone else. Yeah. Cut to the weight room where Billy Steves Cake is lifting weights with all of his bros. We'll roll quick D20 to see how well he does on this bench.

Billy's Cheesecake. Steasecake. Not Cheesecake. Billy's Cheesecake. Billy's Cheesecake rolled a natural 20. Oh, my God. So Billy's Cheesecake's a weight spotter. Ken Hippogriffy Jr. is like, so how did it go with Scary, bro? Bro, totally locked in. You know what I'm saying? Just like these reps. Great. That's cool. All right. A tear falls from Ken Hippogriffy Jr.'s face. Man, I really would have loved to go on a date with Serenity Mousepad, though. Oh, my God.

Okay, well, yeah, that's cool. I mean, that's great. Again, this is just for the mission. I'm glad we figured this all out, right? It's just for the mission. We all got dates. You're going with, who are you going with? Hermione the Unworthy, I think. He just needs friends. He just needs a positive, you know? We know that the dance is happening in the cafeteria, right? Yeah, I think so. That's where the incursion is going to be. So we want to be Johnny on the spot, you know, right there. We need to pre-prep the cafeteria with weapons ready.

tools, anything we might need because we don't know what we're gonna face everybody. That's true. So Taylor just sits down on one of the toilets and flushes it. Nothing happens. How do we get? Isn't this the secret room? How do we get? One of them was just doesn't have a toilet there. It's just a platform. It's an upy downy. But it's not like a fun like it looks like a toilet and then when you sit on the toilet it sucks you down. I've changed my mind. That's more fun. So there's a toilet that when you sit on it it sucks you down into a tube. There's no pooping for this toilet. Like out of order.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. Good idea. Yeah. Big old no pooping, please sign. And no peeing, too. Wait, wait. No. Okay. Wait a second. I don't know about you guys, but I feel like if you tell teenagers not to do something. Oh, shit. Okay. We should put no pooping on all the other toilets. That's true. And that will for sure make it most likely that this is the one toilet nobody would poop in. Link, you've got to, you know, for a kid who's been homeschooled, you really understand the mind.

Into the mind of a teenager so yeah you do that you get you get sucked through like a pneumatic tube But it's man-sized it doesn't No you do not get Santa Claus you just get sucked through pneumatic tube all the way back to Daddy's HQ and you pop out in front of the big old vending machine Wow

This form of travel is remarkably convenient. Okay, guys, here's my thought. I'm really curious about those keys. I think we should try one of those keys out on the Obsidian Door. How much are they? Ten bucks. I think they're ten each. We got ten? Let's do it. Yeah, let's use one of the keys and blow it on the Obsidian Door. I really want to see. I feel like maybe we'll get some clues about our dad behind this thing. So you spend your ten bucks. You get a jeweled key. And when it touches your hand, you feel that you are closer than you've ever been to extreme power. Wow. Actually, if anybody wants to roll Archon...

I rolled a 16 arcana plus one, 17. Oh, wow. Okay. Did you just get taller? Maybe. You seem like, doesn't she like, she's got like a glow. You get a vague sense that whatever is behind this door, you feel like you'll level up a couple times at least if you go into this fucking door. Whoa. Whoa. Like everybody who opens it? Yep. There's four locks on it, right? What happens to the key? Does it get like locked in there? Do you want to try it on the lock? Yeah, I mean. Yeah, we have one of the keys, right? Yes, you have one of the keys. What's it look like? So it looks like.

Ooh. Looks like this. Wow. It's like a legit old ass like antique shop key. Anthony, where did you get that? Etsy. Oh. Oh shit, for real? Okay. I don't know why I did though. I'm looking at it now and I'm realizing...

You didn't need this. Did you get four of them? You didn't. I did. Okay, well, that's great. And I don't know why I did that. Well, give it to Beth. And she probably feels really cool now holding that key. And we're all going to want that. Yeah. And I want a key too. So we're going to keep playing the game. So we all get keys. It's like gameplay. I love it. Thank you, Matt. Should I put it in the door? Should I wait until we all get the keys? I don't know. Let's just see what happens when we put in the door, I guess. Okay. Okay. So you put it in the door. Yep. And you turn it. So scary is you turn the key in the lock to

two things happen. Firstly, you feel a great deal of power infused into your body. Unlocking a door.

No. I did it. Yeah, you just feel a lot of energy coming through it and you level up. Wait, she levels up? Yes. Yes, just scary. And the second thing that happens is you hear a voice echoing in your head and it says one word and it's a voice that is not really familiar to you yet somehow feels familiar in a nonspecific kind of sense. Okay. Like the movie trailer guy. Yeah, like the movie trailer guy. Like no one knows his name. Tom Lofton, team, back from the dead. You hear the word

- Oh my God! - What? - Holy shit! - What? - Wait, did we hear that? - No, no, no, it was just in Scary's head. - Okay, but we heard it. Like Matthew Arnold heard it. - I can't say you didn't. You're in the room with me and you made a noise. - So Lincoln doesn't give a shit. - No, Lincoln doesn't give a shit.

Now you learn about what the opposite of dramatic irony is, where you have to pretend that your character doesn't care. It's like I'm in a J.J. Abrams movie and someone just told me their name was Khan. Yeah, exactly. Scary. That's such a weird duck, Will. Scary, what like? Scary. What happened? You have a glow about you. You looked like you heard something in your head just now. Oh, no.

Man, did I. What did you hear? Wait, you did hear something? You look more powerful now, too. Yeah, well, that's the thing. I think I heard. Yeah? No, I couldn't be.

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See store for details. We're going to be late for the dance. The dance is tonight, right? The dance is tonight. I promised Erica that I'd pick her up. I got to go. I've rented a limo and everything. Can I come along to pick up my date in the limo too? Is that all right? All right. I've upgraded the limo to a bus. Okay. So you stop by Erica's house. The bus is attempting a three-point turn in this cul-de-sac. You know what I mean? Sure.

Yeah, you knock on the door and Dr. Drippins answers the door. Dr. Drippins DDS. DDS opens the door. I look in the driveway and I note the four Lexus convertibles that they have because fucking orthodontists make bank like nobody's fucking business. Correct. He's got a car and he's got like one of those big like plastic teeth on like a spring that goes back and forth. Like a Django and Jane? Yeah. What? He's got Christoph Waltz's giant spring. In the future dentist come to you.

Can I ask what's his novelty license plate that he would have on his Lexus convertible as an orthodontist? Oh, it's brace yourself with all the vowels gone. Fuck, that's good. That's so good. That's on the top of the dome? Fuck, Anthony's like, that's in the game. Holy shit. Brace yourself. Fuck, that's good. Hello, Mr. Trippins. I said doctor. I'm sorry. And that's a woman you're speaking to. On internet. That's a dick.

We're recording this on International Women's Day. I said, Dr. Drippins opens the door. Go back to the fucking tape. Anthony, I do believe that Elise, a woman, in the last episode said that her father was a dentist. She didn't say that her mother wasn't also a dentist. They could have met in dentistry school. I think I see the dad, also a doctor, in the kitchen doing dishes while her mother, also a doctor, answers the door. I can't give this child a retainer.

This is my son. Oh, hello, Dr. Griffins. I'm here to pick up Erica for the dance. It's tonight. Oh, Erica's waiting for you at the dance. She already headed out. I'm sorry. I thought... Oh, just a little... Oh, you know, crossed wires, as it were. Yes, popular kids, they meet at the dance rather than before. Oh, gosh. Well, I guess I'll just...

I go back to the bus. I guess Erica's already there, guys. All right. Well, the next house is Hermie Unworthy. Oh, by the way, how is everybody dressed? I want to know how everyone's dressed for the dance. Oh, let's see. Normal has the mascot outfit. He's in his formal wear this evening. So it's like a big oversized tuxedo t-shirt and like black extra size jumbo shorts. So that's what normal's got on.

Scary is wearing a gorgeous dress. Black, obviously. None of that high heel shit. She's wearing sneakers. Also gorgeous. And then also black. Taylor's dressed as an RX-78 Gundam.

All right, I'm going to Google that one. Self-made? Yes. Like vacuum form. It's like with the shoulder pads out to the fucking nines. He has to walk sideways through every door. What a chill mom Dr. Drippen's DDS is who has not mentioned or remarked on a robot coming to pick up her daughter before the dance at all.

The moment he closed the door, the two doctors laughed. Yeah, yeah. You immediately hear them just being like, oh, well, it looks like Erica lied to another child. Lincoln, since he recently had a growth spurt, all of his nice clothes don't fit anymore. So the nicest thing he has is his soccer jersey. So he's wearing that. In his hand, he's got a couple presents for everybody. First, he's like...

Hey, so I got this. And I was like, wait, that's stupid because like, we're not really going on a date. So I got everybody a corsage. Can we just all. Oh, that's really nice. Yeah. So scary. Here's one for you, but I also got for everybody else. I thought I should do this before we pick up Hermie. Cause I didn't get him any, anything. Oh, okay. I see there's a rose garden in his house. I'll just rip one of his mother's prize roses out of the garden and give it to him. That seems like that'd be fine. Right? I love the normal nose. That's a prize roses. Oh, wow. You're going to rip one of those prize roses, but they went every year. What are you doing? Oh,

Is that bad? Are you not supposed to do that? Go ahead. Do it. I use my lines and I just want to say I feel like

I didn't go to school before, and I know it's been a little... I've been a little bit maybe grumpy, maybe haven't been the best, and I just want to say I really... I'm glad that we're friends now, and I feel like you guys are my friends. So I got you all a little something for the dance to kind of show that we're a team, and I got everybody cool bracelets. So, like, can you... Yeah, they're just like... It's not going to fit over my gun. It might not fit over my costume. I, like, kind of shimmy my arm out to, like, put it out. I was trying to get them to, like, be, like, a thing, but, like, they're just yellow bands, and I just wrote your names on them. Oh, this is so cool!

Cool. Oh, my God. It's like we're a super team. This is great. And then Taylor kind of like struts over and you hear like as the actuator motors like it's just not just cardboard. This is like got motors in it. Or is he making that noise in his mouth? Hard to say. You know what? I want to say I believe in you. So I also got one for Erica, too, if she wants to see him also. Taylor puts his Gundam hand on your shoulder and says, you know what, Link?

For the biggest pervert loser in school, you're pretty cool. Cool. Well, thank you. Okay. Well, I don't know what you said. I think you're pretty cool. Oh, thanks. You want me to put them on? Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I want to go on the record as saying that I was the first one to think you were pretty cool. Oh, thanks. Wow. This is really... And you know, maybe that means, you know, I'll be the first one of all of us to think Henry Unworthy's a cool guy. I gotta say, like... No. Every minute before this dance, I was crying with my dad because I miss my other dad, but this is really feeling good right now. So I've got to...

I'm with you all. That's some very powerful high school energy coming into that. Okay, so do you guys put the bracelets on? Yes. What buffs do we get? Friendship. Friendship, I guess. Matt, if there's a fucking wire in this bracelet, this is some FBI sting pot, and you fucking serpent code our asses, I'm going to be furious.

What kind of house does Hermie live in? He lives in a decently suburban house with a very large SUV in the driveway that makes you think like, oh, that dad is compensating for something. And it must run in the family. What does his customized place say, Anthony? Oh, it says, uh... Do no Herm. Do no Herm. Do no Herm is way better. Do no Herm. Do no Herm.

Also a doctor. Yeah, he's also a doctor. A lot of doctors in San Dimas. Okay, so yeah. Normal gets us like, okay guys, just, you know, like I'll go in, I'll lay the groundwork once again with Hermie to be cool. And yeah, we'll go from there. Okay. Taylor holds his hand out. Hold on, wait before you go. Okay.

I'm just going to scan in my targeting computer. Does it find any? I want to say I got a 15 on my check to see whether he's actually a GM. Yeah, I'll roll if he's got a computer in there. I mean, you can roll whatever you want. Freddy's the one who's going to have to answer because I don't know what the fuck he did. It's basically I've repurposed Google Glass 2.0.

They tried it again. It was just as bad. But it's just as bad. So it's like, if I squint, I can kind of see my email. Yeah, exactly. And it's like really small still. Wish me luck. I'm a little nervous. I don't know why. I've never done something like this before. Go get him, buddy. Do you need us to be near? Matt definitely gestured patting Norma on the butt when he said go get him, buddy. Just so everyone's aware. Go get him.

So normal steps out of the van and walks up to the front door and looks at the roses, but thinks better of ripping one out of the garden and rings the doorbell. Hermie, the unworthy opens the door and he's wearing a tuxedo. He's fucking dressed to the nines, like frankly overdressed for a school dance. And he goes, congratulations, tiger. This is a good day.

This is your lucky... Was that MJ line? Yeah. Face it, Tiger. You just hit the jackpot. You just hit the jackpot. And he just strolls past you toward the bus. Could you imagine to have that much confidence in high school?

Even Taylor is intimidated by this amount of comedy. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Taylor like kind of scoots out of the way, moves his shield out of the way. We all just had a really nice friendship bonding moment. So, you know, just if you could be cool, that'd be great. He turns over his shoulder and he goes, I can't not be cool. I'm Hermione the Unworthy. And he like saunters up into the bus. Real quick, real quick. Teen huddle really quick. What the fuck happened to Hermione?

What's going on? Like, did I miss something? Norm, you said you invited Hermie. That's not Hermie, right? Is that Hermie? Yeah, I think it's Hermie. Everyone, you all remember Hermie from school? Hey, Hermie. He waves, but just with two fingers. What the fuck is going on?

Hey, well, welcome to Taylor's bus. Yeah, it's a cool bus. Thanks for picking me up. We going or not? We're going to have a quick group chat. Just the bracelet holders here, okay? The bracelet holders. Wow, you guys are real cool. All right, cool. Yeah, and that's fine. I'll just be on my phone, on my Zoom. This is... Damn. We'll talk to you later.

Hey, Hermie doesn't know about the whole, like, this is more for me just putting my own mental kind of energy here. Like, we're here to, like, stop something. This isn't actually a dance. I'm going to stop having fun. Okay, I'm just talking to myself. But, like, that's just, right? Mission, mission, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The mission comes first. The mission, for sure, comes first, right? Two or three slow dances and then the mission. Can we let Hermie know? I don't know if he'll understand. Okay.

Yeah. He's not going to get it. Yeah. We're all like crime fighters. We're all like, you know, kind of part of an organization that fights evil monsters that have infected this world. And we're looking for our lost dads. What do you think about that? He steps off the bus. What? He goes, uh, that's weird. You're being weird. Oh,

What did I say? Wait, Hermie, no, you gotta come. Hermie, no, wait, I gotta get to the dance. I gotta save the world. Well, you could do that on your own because that sounds weird. I'm in a bus full of crazy people. I'm Hermie the Unworthy, not Hermie the Unliving. I don't want to get murdered by you. That was a joke. We're just razzing you. Welcome to the bus. It's just our little zany put-on we do when we pick people up. It's pretty lame that you fell for it. Roll persuasion. I got a 17. Wow, okay. So with three, he goes...

Yeah, I knew you were joking with me. Come on. You think I was joking back on you? Oh, wow. I wasn't going to leave you high and dry. You can't get into the dance without a date. Wagons roll, baby. And he punches the top of the bus. The bus driver's like, hey, fucking lay off. He's like, please don't do that. Sorry, man. Sorry. What DVD is the bus driver playing for us? Homeward Bound 2. Oh.

I love that. Lincoln's already crying. Can we turn that off? Okay. As you approach the dance, you can already hear from inside the dance, Darude Sandstorm. Darude Sandstorm. But over that, you can hear the voice of Vice Principal Tony Pepperoni. Singing over Darude Sandstorm. Singing over Darude Sandstorm. What would you sing over Darude Sandstorm? Pepperoni, Tony going, so good to see so many dates, so many couples out.

You got to treasure these moments while you can be a teenager. Try to keep the population of San Dimas down. He's a weirdo. You grow up and your wife wants to talk to your Calzone Mickey brother. Holy shit! It all happened!

It all makes sense now. It's the most important thing to be with. I met my lovely wife in high school. I thought we'd be together forever. Holy shit. But you never know. Things change. But hold on to this moment with everything you have. It doesn't get any better than this. Just dance together. Just keep dancing. Oh, my God. So you hear him saying that. The vice principal is like pushing him away. He is the vice principal. The real principal is like, is in the corner just like. The real principal. The real principal. So top ten things to never say to a vice principal. Ha, ha, ha.

Holy shit, if the principal dies, I get to be principal. We shouldn't be in the same car together. So yeah, and then you enter the dance and you see a lot of people dancing to Rude Sandstorm. I go, hey, what song is this? And then everyone is contractually obligated by law says to Rude Sandstorm and reply to me. They do that. But there's an uneven number of you because there's five of you. I'm looking around for Erica and I'm going to roll perception. Yeah, roll perception. Investigation to see where Erica is.

11. So with 11, you don't see her. I've rolled 11, I think, every episode. Yeah. Interesting. What a fun thing to have be your thing. That's so fun. Yeah, no, you don't see her. She's not here. That's weird. Where's Erica, man? You got her number, right? Why don't you hit her up? Hit them digits. Yeah, I text her. W-Y-A, question mark. Kissy face emoji. And then like the four eyeballs.

So here's the problem. I can respond for Erica, but it's no way that whatever I say is gonna be funnier than what Elise would say. So I'm gonna say that your phone dies. Oh no, I forgot to charge it. Wait, my charger's on the bus. The bus is turned away. Can we look around for like, is there any of Erica's friends? Can we like see? Margarita Pizza is crying in the corner alone with her finger reattached. Yeah, because you reattached. She cut it off again. You wanna ask? Hey Margarita, where's Erica?

Hey, what's going on? Are you okay? It's hard to see through this helmet. Hold on. She goes, my fucking dad is telling everyone about the problems that we're having at home with my mom. She had with his brother, the Calzone, Tony. They're both named Tony.

I just, my date abandoned me and I can't get into the dance. Wait, who was your date? Stinko Bartleby. Stinko? Stinko's a straight shooter. Yeah. What the fuck happened? What?

I think, you know what I think? Oh God. Oh no. It finally happened. The popular kids, they have a separate dance that they go to. It's not really a dance. They just like go to a park and they hang out. I think he must've gone with somebody else. Maybe with Erica or something. They didn't tell me where to go. Cause I'm not cool enough. Cause somebody chopped my finger off and I was gross about it. Your finger looks really good now though. Yeah. You can't really tell.

Thank you. Can you play the piano? Well, you didn't before. Oh, you're funny. That's funny. Hey, I sense a... We're down a person. Do you want to come with us to the dance? You're telling me Erica's not hearing a separate cooler person dance? It seems like it's probably where Erica is. Does somebody want to roll a persuasion or something to make her join your group? It seems like...

Life's dealt you a rough blow. And, you know, at times like these, you know, it's really important that we all help each other out, you know, and that we all come together as classmates and as friends. That's what I believe in as one of the core values of this school is, you know, camaraderie. I got an eight. She goes, yeah.

Oh, God. Oh, you know what? I'm not crying anymore. Yeah. Congratulations. You snapped me out of it. This sucks. I'm just going to go home. I'm just going to go home. Hey, you can just go to the party. Nobody's going to stop you. No, yeah. Come on. Stay at the party. It'll be way cooler. I got a 16. Wait, you're going to this party, Scary? Yeah. Oh. I just figured you'd be too cool to go to a party because you're the cool, like, the rebel kid. If you're going to the party, it must be like...

fine actually um yeah i'm not you're not going to date so we can both not go to scary we have to go there's gonna be a thing here that's gonna encourage it scary we have to go scary he points out the bracelet we're you know okay yeah no i mean it's not cool that i'm doing it but it is what i have to do it's kind of like uh

birth obligation right to save the world kind of thing. Pretty lame. Scary like totally like threw away the vice principal's lunch. This was her punishment. She's not doing it because she wants to do it. She's got to do it. I got to do it. Yeah. I got a 17. Okay. So you're here as punishment.

Well, that's kind of cool. That's kind of anti-authority, which is sort of my thing with my dad being the vice principal. You know what? You could go to the dance and hear me out ironically. What? Like as a joke on how dumb it is. Like with a robot. Like with a robot. Like imagine if you went to a dance with a robot. Oh my God. That would be so cringe. An RX-78. But in such a based way. All right. Well, which one of you is my date? RX-70. Me. Me.

I raised my shield. Yeah, that would be pretty ironic. Walk up to your dad and tell him, I'm marrying this man. Yes, that's what we're doing. That's why we're doing this. And she grabs you by your fucking gloved robot Gundam hand and she marches you into the fucking dance just as her dad is going like, oh good, I thought I saw five people there. I was going to get angry about it. Asynchronous. I was going to say, that better be a polycule. You better all be loving each other.

Oh, thank God, six people. And then you get on the dance floor and you see Larkin Sparrow are dancing. Larkin Sparrow? Yeah, Larkin Sparrow, adult Larkin Sparrow Oak are dancing. Wait, my dad and my uncle are? They're dancing in the middle of the dance floor and they turn to you, Norma, and they go, hey, Norma, what's up, man? Party down. Oh my God, what are you guys doing here? I'll explain next episode. What?

Not today, no, not today.

We'll see you next time.

All caps. All caps.

Dana Scarborough, Aaron Krelstein, Ryan Malloy, The Cobalt Dragon, Kellen Kremens, Caleb Holt, Brittany B, Adam Botterill, Shepor, Stephen Cooper, Billy Whitehouse, and King Hades. Directly support this show and get ad-free episodes at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads and get tons of bonus content. Did you know there are entire mini campaigns you are missing out on? We did a Call of Cthulhu prequel campaign called At the Mountains of Dadness, a Star Wars campaign called Gungans and Daddies, All That Jizz,

And soon we'll be doing our next stretch goal, a Regency RPG we are calling Sons and Sons Ability. Check it out. There are hours and hours of extra audio and video for you to enjoy. Stuff that has to do with the podcast, stuff that has to do with the story, all sorts of bonus content at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Our merch is available at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our Twitter, dungeonsanddads. Subreddit, dungeonsanddaddies. The next episode is coming out Tuesday, April 5th. We will see you then. With myself.

Is Leonardo the Ninja Turtle here? Yeah, yes it is. Wow. Every Italian at this school has the most offensive fucking name. Did somebody say my name?