S2 Ep. 49 - Halo Reach
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This back-to-school season, you can count on Whole Foods Market to do the ingredient homework for you. They ban over 300 food ingredients, like high-fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated fats, and more. That's comforting when getting ready for back-to-school. From snacks to the condiments, their standards are truly best-in-class.

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Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Anime Ham. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kinds of stuff.

Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. I should really bathe. I gotta. That's what people say. That's what people say. My dad thinks I'm a clown. I don't wear a frown. A frown. Cause I keep losing. No one stop bruising. But it's like God is true. I'm mine singing. It'll be a way cake.

So I'm just gonna take, take, take, take, take an L, take an L, and the world is up in flames, flames, flames, flames, flames, and I'm the one to blame, blame, blame, blame. So I'm just gonna take, take, take, take an L, take an L, take an L, and the world is up in flames, flames, flames, flames, flames, and I'm the one to blame, blame, blame, blame.

♪♪

Take an L. Take an L.

And the world is up in flames, flames, flames, flames, flames. And I'm the one to blame, blame, blame, blame, blame. So I'm just gonna take, take, take, take, take, take an L, a take an L.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a podcast about four teens using the game of Dungeons and Dragons to tell a story about... Wait, they're not using the game of Dungeons and Dragons. We are! We are. Playing these four teens to tell a story of four teens from our world sent back to another dimension, back to our world again, to fix the world that their grandparents messed up. My name's Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the tiefling rogue of the group. First

First of all, happy new year, everybody. 2024. We're not recording this in 2024. We're recording this in 2023. We're in the past. But you listening in the future, what is it like over there? Oh, wow. Congrats on time person of the year. Thank you so much. Yeah. I didn't want to bring it up because it'd be self-aggrandizing, but that's not. Thank you, Beth.

Wait, is it that they do it's you again? Do you remember when they did that? No, it was Taylor Swift. It's Taylor Swift. Oh, it is? Yeah. Wow. I didn't know that. Taylor Swift was... Wait, but it's not... Oh, it is this year. It's not next year, but it was the this year is the... I don't know where we are, Will. I remember how time works now. Go ahead. Yeah, they did do the you, right? They did the you. They did you one time. I remember looking at it and being like, yeah, but they gave it to Hitler too. Yeah, they did. So I didn't feel good about myself after that.

I would never accept an award that Hitler won. What are you crazy? I threw that Time Magazine in the trash. You can't tie me into this. Time Magazine and ChatGPT do not have consent to use my image or likeness in your magazine or large language learning model. Share this with 10 people or else you're going to get chatted. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift. Hi, Freddie. Taylor, in fact, Taylor was the runner up for Teen High's Teenage

Teen of the Year. Who won? I bet you normal stuff's the ball. Oh, margarita pizza won. Margarita pizza won. That's fair. Valid. Taylor was a close second because he placed third at the... You remember? Okay. You know competitive cup stacking? I'm deciding that Taylor Swift did cup stacking. He placed second at the school because he placed third at cup stacking? Yeah, which is the best anyone from Teen Hyatt did. How about one of two? He medaled! Medaled!

Matt, he meddled. Oh, I thought you meant like it was a school competition. No, no, no. The schools don't have the competition. It's outside. The kid in second place got canceled. Yes.

State. State. State. State. That's why he got canceled. Did he do cup stacking? No, I didn't. I didn't. I did it for a little bit. You did cup stacking? He looked so cool in the commercial. Matt, you did cups. Matt. I'm going to get five cups right now. For those of you who don't know, they sold that at Target. I know. I know. It was just cups. But the commercials were like...

The same kids that drink like fucking like Capri Sun and shit would then like pop up and then be like, yo, cup stack. And they'd turn their caps backwards and then like stack cups up and down. And you're like, I want that. So Matt, like the epitome of cool to you was somebody who drank Capri Sun. Yeah, yeah. I was in third grade once. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

So Taylor's a competitive cup stacker. And he's not, he's okay. He's okay. I mean, certain state is better than okay for me. No, it was like a prelim prelim. You know what I mean? So he did it where they gave out medals, dude. No, no, no. That's what Taylor said. He came back to school. He was like, I meddled. And like, you mean he got third place? Like, yes, but my medals at home, it's getting polished at the, he just means that he meddled in the competition by cheating. Yeah.

I'm metal by three stacks cups. And because of that, it's like those cards that are all connected. But they're about to disqualify him. But then they're like, well, the problem is then there was only the whole episode. Here's what they met. You were right, though. You're right. Is that is that they would have disqualified him. But here's the problem. There would have only been one other kid. It's not a popular sport in the future.

The end. This story brought to you by Freddie Wong. Dreamweaver. One anecdote too long. If y'all want to know, there might be a little weird energy this episode. This is Daddy's Nights. Daddy's Nights. We're recording this late. Welcome to Daddy's Nights. In a long time. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled-at-home soccer kid who became a protective paladin to his spouse. Did he drop boss kicks? He's dropping them right now. He's not feeling like a boss right now. But...

there was a time when he felt like a boss. So we've talked about that. Lincoln's only real social network that he liked was next door. And I remember this. Yeah. So Grant and Marco both agreed that like he can't always use his free time for soccer. Like they did have to also teach him the arts and stuff. So he had to come up with something. So Lincoln got really into painting and sculpting. Of course, all he did was paint and sculpt.

soccer players and his own foot and stuff like that. And he decided to start selling that stuff on next door, but he didn't want to mix business with pleasure. So he set up his own little like secondary account called, called foot King. And he would sell, he would sell art.

He could sell all the cool art he was doing of like paintings and sculptures. Never sold anything. Got a few interesting messages that made Grant and Marco take him off next door. You know, Link's actually a pretty good painter is what I'm saying at the end of the day. But only feet. But only feet. Well, soccer poses. You know what's funny? Close-up shots of feet kicking soccer balls. A lot of artists will study like the hands. So you'll see like, you know, their hands. And then his is just like big old nubby toes. It's like studying a samurai sword. It's like his weapon.

No, it's not. I need to know. I need to be able to draw my foot from memory. Yeah, like the back of my foot. I'm so interested in what the next door messages might have been. Every time I go on next door, it's like, what was that noise? Has anybody seen that?

I've been like, Foot King here, a few new pieces, you know, if you want to buy them, that's cool. Just a couple dollars a piece just to help me get my next soccer ball. I have a soccer ball at my house. Why don't you come over alone to my house with a soccer ball? I'll get you a soccer ball. And you put them up. Yeah. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oak. He's a perky, peppy, chipper, cheery school spirit mascot. Not the last two episodes, that's for sure. But, you know, we'll see how this episode goes.

Downy Debra, dummy, doofus, depressed, ruined the world kid. Fun fact about normal this week, continuing with the hot glue gun motif from last week, we learned about normal's high quality trigger discipline and his instinctual knowledge of the hot glue gun. I also would like to take this opportunity to reveal that normal always keeps that thing on him.

This whole time. He's been strapped with a hot glue gun. But I'm plugged in, so it's just a glue gun. It's a cold glue gun. A battery-powered one. That's called the safety. Yeah, he's got it. The cord is wrapped up. He's ready to plug it into an outlet and get to glue town on a moment's notice. Well, not a moment. It's about four minutes to heat up. About four minutes notice. Like Chow Yun-Fat's friend in The Killer, he always keeps one glue gun stick in the chamber for either his enemy or himself.

Wow. I love it. Either for his enemies' crafts or his own crafts. Yeah.

Hi, I play, I don't play anybody. Wait, okay. Hi, I'm Beth May. First of all, that's important information. And then I play Scary Marlow, who's a goth punk seeker of darkness. He's not like the other warlocks. Fun New Year's fact about Scary is that she doesn't have a New Year's resolution because she looked up the definition of a resolution, which is a firm decision to do or not to do something. Okay.

and decided it was too resolute, you know? It's like too firm. There's like not enough wiggle room. So cool. Because she wants to be able to maybe do something and maybe not do something. So, yeah, the idea of resolving to do something is, yeah, pretty childish, honestly. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hey, dad. Sup, daddy-o. Sup, daddy-o.

this episode set in 1955 those cool cats my death fact is uh long time listeners will know my quest to write for the most unsung art forms in human expression video games comics porn and wrestling and I've done video games and comics and I just need to do porn and wrestling and a porn site reached out um yes that's

right. Yes. I'll reach around if you will. They didn't like my writing but they loved my dick. Yeah, it turns out my dad's fact is I'm quitting to do porn. Wait, can you imagine watching so much porn that a porn site reaches out?

Dude, you gotta calm down. You gotta stop. These alleys make money while you do this. You're drinking water, right? But yeah, they reached out and if everything goes well, then I will write a porn for Say Uncle and I'll let everybody know when it comes up. Can I ask you what? They sent me a care package in the meantime. What was in that care package? One was a book of porn, which was great. Wait, a book of porn? A book of porn?

Yeah, I know. It was just a bunch of really tasteful photos. There was books of porn before. Yeah, of dudes railing each other. They care about each other. Just picturing Gaston being like, there's no pictures. They,

They sent me a bunch of lovely things in terms of like, it was like lube condoms, like all the normal sex stuff. But then they also included electrolytes, which I feel is extra thoughtful. Yeah. Lemonade in there. Yeah. Okay. Anthony, can I ask, are you in terms of like scenario? Do you have any thoughts? Are you going to just like, I've already written the script. Ooh, I've just been waiting. I wrote it on spec. I've just been waiting for somebody to come to me. I mean, come on.

Did you happen to write anybody you know into it? Oh, parts?

You know that Anthony's move on the script is that he'll just put in placeholder names that are just too big to know. I know, it just knows. Matt Arnold. We're watching, it's going to be like Matt Arnold walks into the door. Yeah, use our names, dog. Please don't. I won't. They did actually say like, we did the Dungeons and Dragons scene once and people were really upset because we rolled D6s instead of D20s. So make sure you do that. Yeah, don't take me out of that. Come on. How about some fucking respect for the craft? Huh? Come on.

How about a little bit of research? You meant that they had rolled a six, so it wasn't as good of a cum shot as it was. Oh no, it's out of focus! You just invented something really good. Because we've all been like, oh, I kind of rolled a seven on that. Yeah, that was a mid-eight roll. I've never critical failed. I have.

When we last left the group, you had basically gotten all the daddy magic that you needed to send dude back to their home dimension. And we won. And you won and everything was fine. Except as normal was talking to Sparrow, it turned out that Sparrow was once again, Willie in disguise. Willie put the collar on a dude that said, do whatever Willie Stampler says. Normal then in attempting to take dude to a plane where Willie could not get used. What was it? Plane jump.

Demi plane. What was it called? Plane shift. Plane shift. Demi plane is to Will like darkness is to Freddie. I'm always trying to get people new planes and it's never worked out once. Never once has the plane shift boded well for me. So yes, he plane shifted Willie and dude and Lincoln and himself to heaven because Willie can't get to heaven. And then right after doing that, normal realized he got to heaven because I brought him there.

So Willie ran into heaven, closed the door behind him, and heaven went dark. Say normal might be the chosen one. Never said what he was chosen for. Yeah, that's true. Could have been chosen to fuck everything up. That's true. So I guess... Are we the four horsemen of the apocalypse? The party is currently split. Taylor and Scary are on old earth in Oakvale with Henry, Larkin, Sparrow. Link and Normal are in heaven in line to a now closed heaven.

What are you going to do? Where do we want to start? Matt, should we start? Feels like you two got to start. You're in heaven, dog. All right. Who should start, me or you, Matt? Oh, no. Daddy's nice is bad.

Oh, oh, this is bad. Oh, oh, no. Oh, okay, okay, okay. All right, Anthony, so it's dark, you were saying? Heaven went dark. The gates of heaven went dark. Like, you didn't think there were lights inside heaven, but suddenly when the gates closed, all the clouds, the big white clouds that you saw above heaven turned into storm clouds, and lightning starts striking, and everything seems a little bit darker and wrong because somebody who was not supposed to get into heaven got into heaven. Angels!

Yeah. Angels, help! I'm going to call the fucking cops, bro. Yeah. You got a dolphin and everything, bro. Oh, they were all stuck inside, though. Flippy and Flapper and whatever they were called. What were their names, Matt? Flippy, Flapper, Blowhole, Porpy. Porpy? Blowhole? Porpy and Blowhole, they're cops. I need to go and rewrite my script.

You see an angel arise from within heaven, but as it gets closer, you notice something is wrong with it. It's, you know, it's a big burning eye with like wings coming off of it. It's burning now. Yeah. Well, I mean, they were always burning, you know, biblically accurate angels were always kind of on fire. They were burning red, but with clear eyes now. Actually, yeah. You know, the way clear eyes works where they show you the little like weird red tendrils in your eyes.

It's got those, but those tendrils are purple. So the eye is all fucked up as it approaches you and it's like flying through the air in this kind of a sickly way. And it hovers in front of you. Actually, normal. Last time I asked a question, it ate me. And I don't know if we should. Oh, okay. Okay. There's a bad guy in heaven. Hey, yeah. Hey. Call the big guy. Yeah. Oh, it's got doodle eyes. Do we do it? Oh.

I'm going to do an arcana roll to see if I can clock whether this means that God is also under the possession of the duthor. I got an eight. You got an eight? No way of knowing. Okay, well, okay. The angel blinks over both of you at the same time. You for a moment are sharing the infinite darkness that is at the inside of the angel's pupil, and you feel the wetness on your waist as it blinks on top of you. Link, is this what it was like last time? Yeah, but it's less lonely. That's nice.

Well, because it was just like it was internal darkness, but like you're here now, so that's cool. Okay, well, that's... I mean, not cool, it's scary. I mean, yeah, but like that's nice that there's two of us and we're up here. As you're getting blinked on, you hear the sound of a door opening and slamming in the direction of the door to heaven. And the angel opens its eye and removes itself from your bodies. And you can see now that all the dolphins that were in the accounting area have been kicked out of heaven. And they're all going, kick, kick, kick.

Porphy. Flopper. Grillmaster. Gilmaster. Keep going. Grillmaster. Grillmaster. Gilly. Grillmaster.

I was like, Link, okay, those are your dolphin buddies, right? Okay, maybe they can like, okay, look, we just need to regroup. I know that this is kind of my fault, and the first time was kind of my fault, and you guys gave me a very nice speech last time about how it wasn't my fault, but it feels like this is definitely my fault, so I kind of want to fix it. Okay, it's all here. We'll talk. Chester's the head of them. Chester, what went down in there? Does anybody have to speak with animals? Huh? Yeah. Do you?

I mean, I speak with these animals. They're my boys. You know what? Fine. Luke, what are they saying? So you may remember that when you were in heaven briefly, there was a throne, an empty throne that you never investigated in any way. God. Willie is sat upon the throne and is now in charge of heaven. So he's basically God.

He's got dude at his side and he kicked out all the dolphins and he's corrupted all the angels. So now they're basically doing his bidding. But you're all safe. Julia got out. Julian, your wife.

Julia, my favorite dolphin. Yeah. Yeah. Julie got out. Here she is. Hey, what's going on? He's told me so much about you. Porpy has. Or Chester. Chester. Chester has. Porpy. Porpy also told me a lot about you. Porpy's a friend with benefits. Things are real weird up here in heaven. Yeah. Dolphins don't like they. Yeah. You think dolphins get married? They're dolphins. Their marriage is like not like some people's, but

But not a lot of people. Normal's like, why did you look at me when you said that? I'm talking to you. I don't know. We're in a five-person marriage, Link. Oh, yeah. Who are we to be throwing shit at our doctor? No, I'm not throwing judge. I was explaining. I was explaining. I don't judge. I've never judged Chester. Oh, I just realized you're all widows and widowers. Yeah, well. Widows and widowers is the sequel to Dungeons and Dragons. Okay, okay. So he's God. So he's God. So Willy's God. Do we... Can you ask the dolphins? Dolphins, like...

Is he done? Is he okay? Like, is he, is it pretty much over? So as you ask that, a horde of angels arise out of heaven's gates and they spread across the sky. Armies of angels, hundreds, hundreds of angels spread across the sky and you can see them blink and portals appear in front of their eyes and they go through the portals and you can't tell to where. But they, seemingly armies of angels are heading all across the multiverse and Porpoise goes, no, no,

he's going to get rid of anybody who might pose a threat to him. No, I'm done talking to you, Chester. You never gave straight answers. Julia, you always talk straight. I always talk straight. I'm the straight talk express. That's what they call me. What happened to the actual big, like, is the other God dead? God left a long time ago. What? We never knew to where. Who was running the place? Nobody. The inmates were running the asylum. You know, humans were just doing human stuff and we were doing our best to keep together. But like the good humans were doing it.

Oh no. Cause we know good humans are just sitting around in the spaghetti bathtubs and shit and hanging out in their own personal heavens. It's, it's been up to the clerks and all the, you know, the faculty, which is us. We were the ones keeping the wheels turning. We were greasing the bureaucracy and now we're gone. So it's just going to be whatever the hell Willie feels like doing. So nobody, nobody can get into heaven now because the gates are completely locked. Where are you all going to go? I don't know. Do you have a place we could crash? I mean, we got like a lot of water below.

I can't I can't if we wait here eight hours I can cast plane shift again and bring eight of you back and I suppose I could just sort of slowly bring back all the dolphins yeah or can we go through like the portals like we gotta get back to to Taylor and scary so as you say that we'll cut back to Taylor and scary hey scary this is just a fact I was just thinking about did you

know that dolphins don't have gills, so if you name the dolphin Gilly, it makes no sense. Anyway. Well, nobody would ever name a dolphin Gilly. I know. I know. I know. That's silly. It's silly. Gilly. Fuck me. Okay. We've got to find a way to either get... Where did they go? Lark. Sparrow. Yes. Yes. Now is the time. This is truly...

dire situation. So Sparrow is- Arm me with the greatest sword you have. So Sparrow's coming up to you holding the back of his head, which has a big old bump on it because Willy knocked him out to take his visage. Oh, dude, are you okay? He goes, no, I'm not okay. My son's missing. My son's in heaven now and with the most dangerous man in the world. Okay, you don't have to snap at me. Sorry, I'm not. It's just nervousness runs in the family and this is how I express anxiety. We've officially got- This is Henry, by the way. We've officially got a crisis on our hands, so the first thing I'm going to need you all to do is breathe.

Oh, is this guy fucking serious? Yes, I am, young lady. I'm quite serious. It's important to center your juices. Lark goes, Jesus Christ, enough with the breathing. We need to come up with a plan. Yes, I agree. We can plan once we're able to clear our minds. Thank you, young man. Boy, this kid's got a good head on his shoulders. Sparrow goes, the mere fact that you said that proves that you don't know what you're talking about. Well, that's your opinion, and once again, it's wrong, but...

I forget whose fault is it that like this guy's out again? That would be his kind of normal's fault, unfortunately, but I feel like he's going through a lot right now. So we should, you know, we need to respect the journey that normal's on. That was meant to be a dig at you guys because I thought you guys killed him. But then, you know, here he is again.

Actually, I guess it's my fault that he's out. So never mind anyways. Well, we can, it's okay. We all have our part to play in this and we all have our part to play in fixing it. So I think actually one of the things that Lark was right about is that we should figure out what we're doing. The sky opens up.

and a dozen angels with purple... What would you even call them? Lightning-strikey, both-y things? Sclera. Sclera. With purple sclera. Wait, sorry, I don't even know why. Yes, the white outer layer. Yeah, with sclera-dyed purple and horrible descend on Oakvale, blinking with horrifying intent, and one of them heads straight for Henry.

and tries to engulf him with its pupil. I cast Protection from Good and Evil. Okay. Covers your bases, really. So the spell ends, one willing creature you touch is protected against certain types of creatures, aberrations, celestials, elementals, fae, fiends, and undead. Okay, so you use that on one person? Yeah, I'll use it on Henry. Okay. The angel tries to absorb Henry through its eye, just like it's absorbed other people, but the second it comes up against Henry, it gets repelled by some sort of other natural force. Like two magnets.

Like two magnets repelling against each other. He can't do anything. But two more angels come down and target Lark and Sparrow. And they... Why are they going after you guys? I don't know. That's a good question. Lark and Sparrow are going to roll dexterity to see if they can dodge. All right. So Lark saves, but Sparrow does not. So Sparrow gets slurped up into the eye of an angel. And Lark goes, Brother!

and holds his arm out for Sparrow and tries to hold on as hard as he can. But the angel begins to lift up and Lark is still holding on to Sparrow's arm as they begin to lift upward. Okay, can I do something? Yes. Okay, I need to figure out what I want to do. It's a big angel. It's flying into the air right now? Yeah, the one that has Lark and Sparrow is flying upwards. Do we get the idea that it's going towards heaven? Yeah, well recognized. I mean, should we just go with it?

You know? Oh, yeah. I guess we could, right? This might be our transport in. Yeah, wait, yes!

That's great. All right, everybody, hang on. And I'm going to cast reverse gravity. Oh, what? On everyone. Well, actually, this spell reverses gravity in a 50-foot radius, 100-foot high cylinder centered on a point within range. I'm assuming that the angel's directly above us. I'm going to cast reverse gravity to yeet us all up to the angel so we can grab onto it. Okay, so that yeets you up to the angel. Go ahead and give me a dexterity roll or athletics or acrobatics to grab onto Lark.

Or the angel itself. One of its eyelashes, potentially. Natural one. Oh, no. Will, is it a natural one? It is indeed a natural one. Do we just witness the death of Henry as he flies into space? Yeah, Henry goes all the way past the angel.

Up and up and up and up until he reaches 100 feet in the air. You know, this is an interesting physics question because hear me out. He'll reach 100 feet in the air. The momentum that he has from that fall will shoot him straight up at which point then he'll come to a stop and then come straight back down at which point the gravity will reverse and he'll just kind of ping pong back and forth. He'll just go all the way to space. So I can full on, well, because it's a 100 foot cylinder so it stops at 100 feet. Yes, but the momentum will

pull them up another exact hundred feet. Oh yeah, sure. Another hundred feet. Sorry, what? Yeah, so like if the gravity reversed for you, right? You would fall upwards. A hundred feet. A hundred feet. And that's acceleration. But then the moment you hit that threshold, gravity now starts pulling down on you, but you're, you know, so you're going a hundred feet faster. Well, no, the acceleration you would get from traveling a hundred feet, which is, you know, 9.8 meters per second per second.

But then you'd be subject to the exact same force, so you just kind of come right back down to where you started. And then you just go back and forth. So he doesn't take any falling damage is what you're saying? Hold on, hold on. The Spiderman versus Spiderman in a 50-footer high cylinder. All creatures that aren't somehow anchored to the ground fall upward and reach the top of the area. Falling upward or jumping, as Matt would say. Imagine it's like one of those Mario levels where they have like a grassy. Here's my question. What happens after you go to the top of the cylinder? It doesn't say.

How long does it say the spell lasts? The spell lasts for one minute. Okay. Here's what I'm saying. You would go up through the 100 foot point, you go past it, and you'd fall, and you'd fall through it again, and you'd just kind of slowly, you'd just come to a gentle stop. You would get to the top of the invisible cylinder and just kind of float on that. And if you get sucked up to the top, then you bonk your head, and in your bonked up concussive state, then you can't fucking concentrate.

My point is that you would come right back to where you started. I like that. With a negative one, I do think it breaks concentration. Okay. So you're going to go 100 feet straight up. The momentum's going to carry you another 50 feet, let's say. Okay. Well, I can give you the answer. Is this how Mercedes died? No.

Too soon, Matthew, too soon. And then you're going to fall 150 feet. And I've looked up fall damage in D&D 5e. And it is 1d6 for every 10 feet fallen. So Henry has a roll 15d6. And that's how much damage he takes. Before any of that happens, Henry turns into a bird. No, no.

That was your turn. You broke your concentration. Yeah, you have to do another turn once I'm falling, Anthony. No, you don't. A turn is six seconds. You did the whole thing. And now it's you're falling. Fine. Fine. Well, fine. All right. How much was it? So it's 15 D6 dice. That's something that save you, man. I wish Mercedes hadn't drank that charged lemonade.

Wait, were we talking about that on the podcast? No. I'm sorry. All right. That's 49 damage. Not too bad. You're fine. Yeah, it's fine. He's like level 20, right? All right. Henry crashes straight back into the ground and says, well...

I'm out of ideas, boys. So the angels continue to float upward with Larkin Sparrow. Should have turned. Wait, I cast it in an area, though. Yeah. Did you want it to affect everybody? Yeah, because it was like, oh, everyone's going to crap on. Okay, everybody can try. But if you fail, you're all going to take 15 D6 damage. What? Okay, so what am I rolling?

So you're rolling dexterity, acrobatics, or athletics to see if you can grab onto Lark as you are rocketed upwards. 10 plus 13, 23. Okay, you're fine. You grab onto Lark's ankle very easily. I even do a cool flip with a 23, I bet. Sure, why not? I bet. You should have to roll again for the flip. I know! I'm sick of the blade poses and the flips and all of the unchallenged styling. Natural one! I'm mad! Natural one on the flip. No!

I hurt Lark. I break his ankle. Yeah, you break Lark's ankle as you try to rip his shoe off and pull his ankle out of its socket. And then the upper part of his body is inside the angel's eye, right? Yeah. So you just hear... Oh, no, that's Sparrow's up there. Oh, okay. Well, who... Was Lark up there? Lark is holding onto his arm, which is, like, barely out of the pupil of the... Oh, I see. I got an eight. Okay, so with an eight, you're gonna fall down just like Henry did, and you're gonna take 15d6 damage. Okay. Wait, can... Wait...

Friday, do you have any way to like help somebody like with reaction? Now, to be fair, they have not done anything. Yeah. They haven't, you haven't taken your action. So I feel like they should get a chance to do something. I'm going to say that trying to grab onto Lark or Sparrow is not a full action. I'll say that's a bonus action. So you still have your full action to take. Like one of you must have like a deck savey type, like reaction. There's one very memorable spell that we've talked about a lot. That would probably help a lot. Is it darkness? No, no,

Oh, I can yell really loudly. Hang on! Jump farther! Jump higher, scary! Oh, I know what spell he's talking about. He's talking about spider climb. I am. Spiders can't fly in the air. I used up my fucking spell slots. I literally only have one spell I can use and it's circle of death.

Freya, you have nothing? I have nothing. I could set something on fire with hellish rebuke. You know what I'll say? I'll give you the option. If you let go of Lark, you can grab onto Scary and then it'll have the damage between both of you instead of all of it hitting Scary. But these angels are heading back to heaven. Yeah. Supposedly, Scary and they want to get back to heaven. Yeah, so I go, Scary! I'll see you in heaven! Ha ha ha ha!

All right, so go ahead and roll 15d6, I guess, Beth. They're like a belt or something. Oh, since he grabbed Duncan, he tried to grab her. That's what I was going to say. You can let go, try to grab her, and then take the deal. Oh, no, no, like, you know, if you were hanging out with him. If he hadn't done a natural one on his flip, he would have been able to. Will, why do you have to get mad at him for flipping? Beth, shut up! Why didn't Anthony let me turn into a bird?

I say no once in six years of podcasting, and this is what happens. So, wait, is my, is my, am I okay? You have to roll 15d6. I roll 15d6, okay. Roll a die. 44 damage. Okay, cool. So, what does that do to you? It damaged me 44. Fair enough. But you're not dead.

I'm not dead. I'm okay. We're on fire right now, dude. This is that fucking season one heat. You know what I mean? I've come around on Dungeons and Daddies nights. The chemistry. Those fucking riffs. We're on fire, ladies and gentlemen. We're back. The scary's like, ow.

And he's like, well, young lady, it looks like it's just you and me on this side of the adventure. The angel goes upward with Lark, Sparrow, and Taylor hanging onto it. Did you guys hear me flap? That's the last thing you hear as it opens a portal and then goes through the portal. God damn it. And I didn't even take my other action that I had. What were you going to do? You said you'll have circle of death. I don't know. I don't have any spells. Think of something.

Yeah, well, come back and get you. Okay, so back in heaven, you see several portals coming from hell, and you see a bunch of angels leaving hell, flying a little bit lower to the ground than they did when they were flying away. And you can also see one open up from old earth and...

specifically Oakvale, and you see Lark and Sparrow and Taylor dangling from the sky. So I'm going to have the angel rolled and see if it notices you. Taylor specifically. Oh, that he's hanging on. Yeah, but he's got a little boogie. And Lark, right? Two boogies.

He's got two boogies. Okay, so he rolled 12, which I'm going to say is enough that he can tell he's got boogies coming out of his eye. I got boogies on my six. Before it hovers over the gates of heaven, past the gates of heaven, it's going to try to shake itself back and forth to, like, throw you off. All right, so it's going to get 11, which means that Lark has to hold on, and he got a two. So Lark loses his grip forever.

For a second. And that's enough time for Lark and Taylor to plummet down towards the clouds that surround heaven. Do I have any? I was like, I'm coming towards us. Yeah, I'll say you get one reaction. Yeah, they're plummeting towards you. I'm so pissed that normal doesn't have reverse gravity. I was thinking I could use my cunning action where I can take a bonus action to hide and I want to hide inside.

Did you do like a Naruto run up link? Do you like in the movies when like the really spry guy runs up the guy? Yeah, I'd like to use... It would be a very difficult acrobatics check. Wait, wait, wait. I'm on the brink. I want to use Lark. I want to catch you like a sweet prince. But you might catch Lark instead. Lark is falling, right? I don't care about Lark. You are falling because you are attached to Lark. But as he falls, I want to climb up his body.

Like a ladder. Like Devil May Cry style. Like Devil May Cry style and grab. Okay, as I said, it's going to be a difficult acrobatics check. So go ahead and roll. Okay.

Thank you for the sound. 9 plus 13, 22. Wow. That's a big number. I guess you do it. I was going to say 20 and then it turns out 22 is higher than 20. So you manage to successfully climb up Lark and jump and hold on to Sparrow's outstretched arm. Lark! See you in heaven! So Lark flummoxed towards... Link was like going away for Taylor and then he sees Taylor get up there and Link just goes, and just turns away. And Lark...

So now normal Lark and you split the party in a different way. Now there's a three way split now. Yeah. Taylor, jump down. What are you doing up there? The angel is taking me to heaven, like into heaven. Yeah. It is now going into heaven over heaven and it is going to descend into heaven. And I'm just holding onto a hand. You were just holding on to Sparrow's hand. Do you think Sparrow noticed that the hand changed? Uh,

Yeah, I think your hand is probably smaller and more greasy than Lark's. Yeah, Sparrow felt Lark let go. He was like, no, Lark, don't let go. And then he got another hand. He's like, ooh, ooh, good. You got it back. I caught him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what he thinks. Okay, good, good, good. We're scary. It's like Peter Parker saving Gwen Stacy. He's like, I did it. I got him. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Uncle Lark! I rush up to Lark. Lark gets to his feet. He goes, normal. You're okay. You're okay. You're okay. You're okay. We're scary. You're okay. Okay, good. We're scary. Where's Henry? Where's Dad? They're back on Oakvale. Why did you take scary? I didn't have much of a choice. I went after Sparrow. I tried to save Sparrow. Wait, Sparrow's dad's in that eyeball?

eyeball no no dad's back in oakvale my dad not your dad yes your dad is in that eyeball okay okay all right okay so you just what's happening down there you just left a kid down there what was his name clementine it wasn't clementine the dolphin c name um oh chester chester come on so chester come on come on sorry that i'm not a studied student of your fucking dolphin deep lore

Your fucking Warhammer 40K wiki level web of relationships between Chester and his wife Lydia and their polyamorous friend Horby. Fucking disrespect to the fucking queen of the heaven dolphins. Hey, Anthony, this is like rolling a D6 in a D&D themed porno, okay? Yeah.

Yeah, you got me. You got me. Chester goes, which translates to you, Link, as this is what I said was going to happen. Willie is trying to get rid of all the people who might pose a threat to him. Okay, well, wait, so why is he bringing Taylor in there? Lark's like, Taylor just jumped up and joined us. I don't think they were going for Taylor. I don't think. Wait, this is a classic. This is really bad, right?

This is just like when the lacrosse team was like, we're going to steal signs from all the other lacrosse teams. We're going to learn all their moves, right? But then like, it didn't work because all they did was piss off all the other teams and then everyone had it out for us. All Willie is doing right now is bringing everyone that has a grudge against Willie closer to him, which means everyone we need to help stop Willie, and I point dramatically to heaven, is on the other side of those gates.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com, promo code daddies. Taylor, what are you going to do? So are we in heaven now? The eye is descending into heaven. Okay, so obviously I'm going to, I'm looking for, because we're moving, I'm looking for a place I can like drop off, do a good roll. I can't believe Taylor got himself into like a fucking Melgar solid mission in heaven by himself. It's so upsetting. So as you descend, you see that you're descending near the throne.

of God, which Willie is currently sitting on. And to his right is dude chained up in the collar. And to his left is your mom, Cassandra, who is just on her knees looking like, yeah, kind of like, not like sexually like that. She's not like I'm talking about the poster. Yeah. Yeah. Can I, can I see if there's a way for us to talk to, if you have a message or something, I'm sure you can text me. Can I propose my idea of how we do?

normal i think we can talk to taylor yeah what do you think what how because we're we're married and love lasts all the way to death so if we sit down and pray and talk to our spouse i think they'll hear us i didn't believe in this but this is what uncle daryl don't we have like a walkie talkie i think we have that we left that in hell okay i nailed down and i go dear sweet taylor my husband if you could hear me give me a sign roll a d20

At 12. So you hear the voice of Willie inside your head going, I'm God now. You just prayed to me, idiot. This is why I didn't send any angels for you because you guys are chuckle fucks. We're coming. We're going to kill you. Click. Don't do that. You can talk to Willie if you do that. No, you do? Yeah. Dear Willie, frick you, man. Frick off.

P.S. You suck and stink and are bad, and I don't like you very much, and I don't respect you. The following God's voice mailbox is full. No! Damn! Could God create a mailbox so small even he couldn't check it? Yeah, yeah. Back to Melgarzal, sorry. Yes, back to Taylor. So as you descend, you see... Hold on, so just a quick question. So when you get up into heaven, sorry, this is a little bit of heaven lore that I'm trying to just understand, a little Christ-ta.

I don't think that has anything to do with your name. It has nothing to do with what's happening now, Freddie. Okay, but like your name is like recorded somewhere, right? Yes, that's what all the dolphins were taking care of in the paperwork ocean. Okay, here's my idea. I'm just going to say my idea here really quick. I'd like to make a soft landing in the paperwork ocean. Okay, go ahead and roll acrobatics. Don't want to be by the throne at all, you know.

You know. Okay, so you're going to try to avoid getting here. You're going to have to perform a halo jump to get into this soft paperwork ocean. Oh, do you remember that last time we had talked, Link told you all that Chester had talked about how there's a passage from the paper area straight to the throne room.

So that he could give his to God. I mean, that is the way I designed the map. So it's not cheating. Hell yeah. I called it. Okay. You know, it's like there are a lot of videos coming out now of like divers from China who are really good at diving. This is a natural 20 plus 13. You got a natural 20? Natural 20 on this acrobatics. Wow. Okay. Yeah. So describe what happens. So I go and I do the basically the dive from GoldenEye from the dam off the dam. And then when I go into the water, it's just like a single piece of paper just goes.

Yes. So you are completely unseen by any of the angels that are coming in. You drown and you are within the ocean of paperwork. Now, here's my question. What would I need to roll slash? Is my 20 good enough to get me? I want to find my name.

Of course. It's literally an ocean, so it's like the size of the Pacific Ocean. It would take you some time to find your name. It would take at least a couple of perfect natural 20 rolls. Okay, okay. So like way, way out of line here. Yeah. If you had an unlimited amount of time and way more people you could find your name. I have to know why you want to find your name, though. I have to know. Yeah, so there's no dolphins here, though, right? No, there's no dolphins to help you. They all got kicked out. If there were dolphins here, they could find it easily. With echolocation. Ah.

Wait, okay, I will say, I don't know how we'd make this work, but I have a spell called locate object, but I'm on the other side. You're on the wrong side. And if you pray to me, if you pray, Willie will hear what you say. Well, before you help him, before you help him, find out what it is he's trying to do. Yeah. Yeah.

You've played this long enough. I agree. No, I trust Freddie. I feel bad because I made him fucking roll for that flip and it ruined everything. It didn't ruin everything. He's in heaven now. He's in heaven. Oh, yeah, he is. Yeah, fuck you, Freddie. Here's my thought.

The bracelet says, listen to whatever Willie Stampler says. If I found my name in heaven's log books and changed it to Willie Stampler, I could give commands to dude. How would you...

Then never mind. How would I change my name in the books of heaven? I figure I cross it out. I put a new name in and I initial it like a legal document. I would make you roll Arcana for it, but I like that idea. Yeah. Okay. They have to get confirmed. It's got to be notarized. Can you change your confirmation? That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. Well, you throw hoops in front of you, but this is just, this is what I'm thinking, which is like, Hey, that's a loophole. Yeah. I like the game. That was, that was really Stampler rounding up every other guy named Willie Stampler. Yeah.

Every other Willie Stampler has been so it's off screen. So you're not knowing what's happening, but yes, there is a plan for every other Willie Stampler. Your parents are dead. Made sure to get rid of them. This is a guy being like, you want a ticket for, Oh God. An angel just sucks him up right in front of him. His family's crying and shit. God. Okay. Mr. And Mrs. Stampler has been three days. You have to put some name on this baby's birth certificate.

Well, honey, we should name it after my dad or your dad. Let's do your dad, babe. Willie. Oh, no. There's one guy who goes like, but I got my bill. So how long does protection for good and evil last? Up to 10 minutes. Concentration. Okay. So I think we should cut back to you and Henry for a minute just because. Yeah. Henry has 10 minutes to figure out what to do before this thing is going to absorb him anyway. Okay.

Well, my grandson and both my sons are in heaven right now. Young lady, I always like to hear, and Henry just kind of sits down on the ground next to you, and he's like, I always like to hear what the younger generation thinks. Oh, my God. You know, what do you think we should do? Okay, well, you know, normally I don't really care what olds think, but, like...

How did you kill this guy? Oh, Willie. Well, we kind of didn't. I mean, he was like, we tricked him and we put him in a little room and we closed the door. It was sort of the most peaceful way of doing it, you know? And it worked for a really long time. I don't know who let him out, though. Yeah, about that.

Uh, maybe you should have killed him is, is, uh, is my point there. Okay. Well, that's very wise, you know? Well, I don't know if it's wise. I think, you know, I'm again, it's very based of you. It's very, it's either based or cringed. I don't know which one that is. It's either cringed or it's based. So, all right. Okay. Well, let's see what we have at our disposal. I got about 10 minutes here until that thing comes back for me. So we should figure out a way to get you young lady up there with your friends. I mean, if those angels are doing Willie's bidding, uh,

Maybe we can just ask him. Ask him what? Well, I have this like hat and he told me not to contact him anymore with it, but I used to be kind of like, you know, connected to him or whatever. So like I could just be like, take me to heaven and maybe he'll say yes. Ah, that seems so like to take you into heaven, to take you.

OK, I don't I don't love that plan. I got to say it seems risky, but I guess we're in a pretty risky situation. Yeah, I guess it might be worth a try. And then maybe you get the rest of I don't know. I don't know what we should do. Hey, Dad, what do you think we should do? Oh, you're quite the pickle, aren't you, son?

Well, if I was you, I probably would have killed him, as you mentioned before. Scary. So good hindsight on that there. I think if you try to talk to him in your sleep, probably nothing bad would happen. It's not like he can like psychically control you or whatever, because he would have done that before if he had the opportunity. So you can at least try to talk to him if you think you can convince him of something. But I don't know. The first thing you probably need to do is regroup with your friends because, you know, a house divided against itself cannot stand. Right.

I made that up. I was on the set. Henry, by the way, I want to roll an insight check on Barry because I noticed something last episode and I want to see if I'm right. That's a 13. So with the 13, you can tell that he is still under the control of the... I said it was a bracelet. I was wrong. It was an earrings. I forgot that you put earrings into him that basically said that he can't... It was a very detailed and loophole... Yes, the whole time you want me to bracelet thing. So he is...

Still honor bound to go by that, but he is bumping right up against the boundaries of what he can get away with in terms of what he considers to be helpful. Sending you back in time to see Code Purple, he considered to be helpful to your relationship as a family, for example. This is too meta. I noticed something, but I don't think Henry noticed it. So I don't know if I can say it or not.

Well, what is that character? I was reviewing the game tape and every time we were talking to Barry, Anthony would say that man with the long beard, but he never said that it was Barry. So I feel like there might be a switcheroo going on there, but I don't know how to probe this out. There's not a switcheroo. Okay. All right. But I like what you're thinking. I'm going to roll an insight on Anthony. Anthony, if he's lying. Nice. Got it. 11.

So if we do nothing, the angels are going to take Henry into heaven. Yes. And then I'll just hold on. And I'll just be by myself here talking to myself. That's true. Young lady, I can bring you into heaven. You know, that's probably the best way we could kind of do what they did. Do you have like a spell or anything that could help you like be attached to me? No.

No, but I have these... Sometimes I play backup keeper, so I have these gloves that are pretty adhesive. Okay, okay. We can work with that. We can work with that. And we'll use some sap from that tree. And I run over to get the stickiest sap I can find from a tree so that Scary can glue her hands to...

Henry's Birkenstocks so that she can go to heaven with Henry. That can happen. I would also like to remind you that you have items that you got in the past from Daddy's HQ, at least one of which I think could probably be helpful at this point. Okay, what was the item? What was it? Who remembers? I'm the last person to look at. There was the Lego sword? There was. Oh shit, we left the Lego sword.

Oh, the boots. What are the boots? The boots of levitation. Oh, well, gee whiz, that would have been helpful about five minutes ago. What size are they? I also see we have zine of truth. Ask Anthony to explain, please. That was your note? That was your note? Yeah, that's what I wrote down, yeah. Great. Well, yeah, put the boot on. Okay, I put them on. I suit up. I guess we're just going to wait.

This is balls pounding. The angel is just staring at you. For nine minutes and 59 seconds.

So Willie is trying to get people that he feels threatened by to heaven. Yeah. I guess Taylor can see this from where he is. Taylor, you see a big TV of the throne room. It's like in the operas or like plays, they have the TV in the lobby. They probably have a throne. If you're a guy, you have a big throne. Yeah, he wants everybody to see what he's doing. So you can see that he's got Grant Wilson, Terry Jr.,

Now Sparrow. And then your mom, who's separate from them. But you can see him saying some stuff he can't make out. It's definitely smarmy. It's shitty. And he... Taylor looks to the right at the sign language interpreter who is doing the feed of the video. So the sign language interpreter says... So here's what he's saying. You guys almost got me. And your parents almost got me. So...

I'm just going to make sure that you can't ever do that ever again. So I'm going to be nice about it, though, because I could just send you straight to hell. I could turn you into nothing. I could do whatever the fuck I want with dude here by my side. I could turn you into Adams. But instead, I'm going to do for you what you and your parents did for me. Several doors appear behind your parents, just like the doors that people's personal heavens are made out of.

And they open up and inside there is just a little four by four cell, almost exactly like the demiplane that Willie was thrown into. And Willie nods at dude and dude lashes out with his tentacles and slaps them all into their respective demiplane prison cells and closes the doors and locks them. And then the doors go back down into the clouds and disappear. I want to roll just real quick insight on what's my mom. Okay, go ahead and roll insight. I squint hard at my mom. Natural one.

I squint so hard that I give myself astigmatism. Sure. Yeah, you squint so hard that the sign language interpreter dies and now you can't tell what else is happening in the conversation. Wow. Shit.

That does mean you kill people by squinting at them. No. If you ever want to look at number somebody and you get a natural one, you will be able to kill them. I'll say that for the rest of the fucking campaign. Okay. All right. Good. Okay. So back on. This is just like the end of Phantom Menace, dude. Just leaping around from one plot. What is Taylor going to do? Let's go back to Henry and Beth real quick. Okay. All right. Young lady. So I think what we should do is because we don't know where. Well, actually, you know what? Could you? Yeah. Yeah. This could work.

I think you should go talk to this Willie guy because then we can figure out what he's doing and where everybody's going. And then we'll know if we're walking in. I don't know. Like, you know what I mean? Scary puts on the sleeping cap. You fall asleep and instantly see Willie Stampler with his back to you. And he like turns around like, what?

Oh, you heard about what I'm doing and you're going to try to talk me out of it or blah, blah, blah. What's up? No, I would never do that. I just feel kind of like left out of the master plan. You know, I know we had our differences in the past, but I'm ready to be truly evil and get this thing started. And and, you know, what's what's weird is if.

If you really considered me a good henchman, I think you would have had me up there with you. So I just feel like, damn, I really let you down and I want to prove myself. Roll deception with, I'm going to say disadvantage, because you've done a lot to show that you were against Willie by this point. Ten. Yes, with a ten. He saunters up to you and kneels and he goes, you really were something special, Scary. You reminded me a lot of myself when I was younger. You know, you were driven, you didn't care about other people, and you were smart, but...

That came to an end the second you decided to stand against me and with your dumbass friends. And you were a real, real disappointment. You broke my heart, kid. But let me just say, with all the love in my heart, you are never getting to heaven. Willie Stampler forever. All the love in your heart. Fucking peace out. You know, it's weird because you're talking about the love in your heart, but I don't think you love anyone. So, like, how come you're so obsessed with love?

Like with people loving you, like Ron, Terry, me, like all you want is someone to worship you. And like, I would know because I've been there, you know, but I think if I remind you of, you know, you, maybe you just want some attention. I mean, yeah, love or whatever. And I'm sorry that you want that attention. I'm sorry you thought you could get it, you know, because you're

Truly despicable and ghoulish and a worthless piece of fried garbage. And I can't wait for my friends and I to kill you. Good luck.

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And he snaps his fingers and you wake up. Quick question. There he's gone. He got sucked up by the enough. Now here I am by myself talking to myself. Quick question. Quick question. During that, what did I see? What is happening in this side? His eyes rolled back into his head. Okay. So he just stands there and like kind of is like, okay. He goes into a trance state. Okay. So he's like actually still then. Oh, so we know a crucial piece of information. So just keep the hat on at all times. Is that what you're saying, Anthony? I'm saying he can,

probably choose whether or not, you know, he wants to go see scary. Still good to know. But yeah, it's definitely an option if you could find a way to do something in the dream world. Cool, cool, cool. So protection from good and evil wears off. The angel who's been very patiently waiting by you goes over to Henry. It's like drooling, but it's like tears, dude.

Yeah. Fucking foaming at the mouth, ready to absorb this boy. Henry, I can't say the conversation went really well. Oh, that's too bad. That's okay. You tried your best, though. The angel absorbs Henry into its iris and starts moving upward. Scary's hand is, I'm going to say with the 10 minutes that you had, you don't even have to roll for it. Like you really did zap yourself to his.

feet and the boots of levitation shoes henry's feet you don't want to get anywhere yeah i probably know some damage for that no glue can actually adhere to it you know what i'm saying uh so yeah you you ascend up into heaven and duck everywhere so as i i made up on it like rainaxe on a windshield

As I made Taylor do, once the angel goes back through a portal to heaven, it's going to maybe notice that it has a boogie on itself and it's going to roll. Got a natural one, so it has no idea that it has a boogie attached to it. It was so thrown off by the fact that I had to wait 10 human minutes for this guy. Yeah. And also the person holding onto him is completely weightless because of the boots of levitation. So the angel heads over heaven. Scary. Scary.

Yes, you can now see them all. Taylor made it to the other side. Scary! Yeah, I'm here. We're out of here! I'm here. I start waving. Do I see them? Yeah. Yeah, I see you. Are you going to come down? Are you going in?

You going in? What are you doing? We're down here. We're on the other side. You gonna go? If you go over there, that's where Taylor is and he's doing something and if you come down here, we don't have any ideas. Which way, Western Golf? Grab onto me and we can try to get into the gates. You're currently too high up for them to like easily jump at you. I tried to shake off one of the boots of levitation. Oh.

Okay, so that'll make you get heavier and pull the eye down a little bit. But you're still half, you know, supported by the boots and you're not heavy enough to completely... Like, these eyes are big, so you'd have to be even heavier than just your normal self to drag this thing down to the ground. Because I said that previously it could hold Lark and Sparrow and Taylor and it wasn't, like, dragging itself along the ground or anything. Can we catch it? You could drop both boots. Oh, I could.

And if you remember, wait, who back in the day in Papa John's land, was it a Lincoln normal that was zooming around? A cool rocket boot. That's right. So we have, we know, we know. You're compatible, dude. Muscle memory.

So League wants to grab the boots. Okay. So the boot falls on the outside of that. I shake both boats off. Can I roll to see if I do something cool when I get the boots? Yeah, go ahead. Acrobatics. Can I do athletics? Sure. That's a 14. That's pretty cool. Yeah. I grabbed something pretty cool. Way to go, Matt. I grabbed them and I put them on. I don't even have to like do that thing where I fix the back of them. They just really slipped on nice and easy.

Oh, that's good. That's pretty cool. The rush. The rush. Incredible. Okay. Normal, hang on. Just like before. You think of what I'm thinking? Yeah, just like that place with all that cheese. That was crazy. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Isn't that when you started your mustache? Don't remind me. Why? It's gone. It can come back. It's gone. That's what they do. No, it's gone. Okay. All right, let's go. Okay.

Wait, Lark's here too. Yeah, well, whatever. No, he's my uncle, you bitch. Come on. We can't get all of us. You go straight to hell. No. No, we're levitating, Anthony. We're on levitation boots now. Those are rules in hell. Anytime someone says the word bitch, like they just yeet to hell. No, they don't really. Um,

But if you're in hell already. If you thought that was sufficiently funny, then it would have happened, but nobody seemed to laugh that hard. It was just too sad. I was like, we've gone so far and yet so not far. But in the end. All right, I guess, Mr. Lark, is there a way you can... Just hop on, uncle. All right, I'll do my best. And then he holds on to you guys. Should we give him one boot and then we can travel with the other boot? No, I'm not giving him a boot.

What if Link puts on the boots and the normal and the Lark hold on to the bottoms of the boots? And then he got his other foot and put on the other boot.

So yeah, they're each holding on to one of your boots. Now, remember the boots of levitation. I would encourage you to look at the description. No, because then they won't work the way I want them to work. No, they don't because they're not, they don't allow you to keep moving. You have to be able to like anchor yourself to something. It's like being in the middle of a space station like we were talking about. Yes, how high can they go? Yes, they levitate. They're not flying. So they levitate some amount over something. Scary's like holding out her hands like, come on, grab on. Yes, once we find out how high these go, I swear these are like...

Here's what we need. It's going to be like six feet high. I know it. I know these boots are like six feet high. I fucking remember. They're not that good. Up to 20 feet. In your head, you want an Iron Man, dog. You got Copper Boy.

How high up is scary? Scary is like... 20 feet. Scary is like 100 feet in the air at least. Okay, okay. I go up 20 feet. Through the winds! Ah!

I'm sorry. I thought I could go higher. Oh, God. Let me try harder. Wait a second. I can't do this. I can't even fly these boots right. No, you can. Wait a second. I have an idea. What? Okay, hear me out. If Link is wearing the boots and then I climb up Link and Link hands me a boot...

Do you see what I mean? I see what you're trying to do. Yes. Can we like do a ladder into the sky by trading the boots? Yes. You're going to have to do a bunch of rolls for it. Okay. Okay. All right, Link, we've got a chance. There's no chance. We can't do anything, man. No, Link. I'm a fan. What's wrong? What's your plan? You're just like, hey, look, Link, give me an L.

What? Give me an L, bro. An L? You've had enough L's. I'll give you one of mine. L. Give me an I. I. Give me an N. N. K. Say your name. Yeah, that's my... I'm Link. Are you inspired now, Link? Come on. You're the number one star striker on our team. I know it's been tough lately, but you got to get your head in the game. Do whatever you want to do. Just what do you want to do? I roll to inspire Link. Okay. Persuasion. I roll not to be inspired.

I got a 19. What do I roll? I feel like it's a wisdom saving throw. Okay. I got a 23. Ooh, okay. So yeah, you do not inspire Link. You're almost like, Link, don't you realize this is like... You don't need me to care. You're the foot king, Link. Yeah. You're the foot king. You know who's been buying all your foot art? It's me. You know who's been sending you those messages telling you you should keep it up and you're really great at foot art and I love it so much? You sent those messages? I sent those messages because I believe in you. You sent those messages? Yeah.

The ones that were telling me to keep it up? Yeah! The ones that were like, hey, you should put...

feet and stuff and you should like maybe like I don't know put feet in ice cream look okay fine I don't know ice cream is really fun online and people let's go to gate like sheet cakes normal I'll do just don't try to make me like it's fine like I can't like let's just do your plan okay but let's check in on this later okay I'm gonna see if I can like weigh myself down more by casting mage armor on myself um

And like bring down the eye a little bit to maybe 20 feet. It's like the wildest like physics equation question. It's like your friend is flying 100 feet in the air at a rate of... Give me a straight D20 roll. Okay. A 13. So you rolled a 13, which means you're going to go down to 50 feet, let's say. Okay.

So we have to close 30 feet. You have to close 30 feet by alternately... And how many rounds do we have to do this? Because Scary's coming towards us, right? Yeah, Scary's going towards you and he's going to go past you into heaven, essentially. So I'm going to say... So this is like a skyhook situation. It's very much like a skyhook, yeah. Essentially it feels like you won... Sorry, I don't care. You should make it divisible by 20. And then it should just be how many times we have to do... Because each time we do, we can essentially go up 20 more feet. So it should just be some number of times we have to...

flip-flop each other. So, scary roll to 13, which means she's going to descend all the way from 100 feet down to 60 feet. So, if you can successfully do your levitation chain three times, you will be able to grab on her. Okay. All right. So, normal's up for us because he's... I'm going to tell you what the rolls are so you don't think I'm bullshitting anything from now on. So, what you're going to have to do is, first...

The person who's giving the boot to the other person has to roll an acrobatic check to keep their balance on just one levitation boot. Okay. Then the person taking the boot has to roll athletics or acrobatics to climb up the other person, right? Yeah. And then you're going to also have to then make a dexterity check to grab the other person. Three rolls per flippy flop. Per flippy flop, three rolls, yes. And what number are we trying to hit each time? You're trying to hit, let's say, 13. Right.

Okay. Okay. So I got to do acrobatics first. Well, first, since I'm touching both Lark and Link, the names are similar. Hey, you guys have similar names. You ever think about that? Sorry. I've never. Nope. Um,

I'm going to cast Guidance on Lark and Link so that they can add a D4 roll to one ability check of their choice. Okay. So I will go first. Actually, no, you need to go first. I have to do Acrobatics, yeah. I got a 13. Okay. Great. I awkwardly pull off my shoe, one shoe, and I hand it to you. Okay. And now I have to climb up him, right? Okay. Whew.

That's a four. So you fall off of a link. You've still got one boot on, right? No, because you said I put the boot on at the end. Right, I did. Can I make a mid-air acrobatics roll to put the boot on? Yeah, go ahead. Okay. So we're just flying next to each other at 20 feet.

All right, that's a 10. Okay, so with a 10, I'll say that, yeah, you were now just both next to each other, 20 feet, balancing on one foot. Meanwhile, Lark is like going to have to hold on while all this bullshit is happening. Normal, if you just wanted a boot, you could just ask for a boot. You got a 10, which I'm going to say is not good enough. So he goes, well, and lets go of you and falls the way back down to the ground outside heaven. All right. So he goes, you know what? Just go, go. You can do this. Go. I believe. Hey, normal. Yeah. I believe in you.

Wow, thanks. Okay. How tall are the walls to heaven? Okay, so the walls to heaven are 90 feet tall. Okay, I have an idea. I have an idea. Well, Link's going to just fly towards the walls of heaven and he's going to like... So again, because they're levitation based, you can't actually fly 20 feet above the ground towards the walls. Okay. And then when I get to the walls, Anthony, as a Destiny player, should know I'm going to do some jank platforming shit. I'm essentially just going to fucking like scoot up against the walls.

and just like find every like micro little ledge and just like fucking just like a goat on the side of a cliff. I'm skating up the edge of this fucking wall. I'm just doing, I'm just fucking bouncing. I'm hitting, I'm grabbing every little ledge. I'm like, there's 20 feet in here somewhere. Come on, come on, come on, you can fucking do it. God damn it. You fuck up everything. I just try to get up. I'm scooting up and back. Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, do you have a bonus because you've glitched out FIFA? You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm just like putting my feet at like 45 degree angles. I'm like finding little wedges. I'm just like...

like, I'm just trying to like climb up this wall with these boots. Okay. That makes sense. That, that makes sense. Yeah. So go ahead and roll acrobatics for me. 19 plus three. Oh shit. Okay. So yeah, you successfully managed to destiny to your way up the, um,

The fucking wall. And as you crest over the top of the wall, you can see... Going normal is not hard. Just get up here. As I crest over what I see. As you crest over the top of the wall, you can now see basically the same thing that Taylor can see, which is Willie on his throne. And then you also see your dad, your granddad rather, get thrown into another demiplane as well. So Daryl Wilson has been taken, put on his knees, and then tossed into a demiplane without the chance to say anything cool because Willie is in control. How...

far in line from the... Daryl doesn't say anything cool, but he catches his fucking link off in the distance, somehow knowing he's looking at the TV, and Daryl just like fucking takes his baseball cap and just gives a little wave. And points it like, this one's like, you can't... And locks it.

Another angel comes in from hell and is holding Jodie Foster and Glenn close. And they get to also do one cool thing before they get thrown into demiplanes. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. They definitely get thrown into a demiplane together, by the way. That feels like they deserve each other. In this moment, Anthony, I know this is outside the rules a little bit, but can I use kind of like my scout rogue kind of like archetype to like look at Glenn and try and get a little bit of his like persuasion riz? Yeah.

Yes. Like I've absorbed, you know, like maybe the time that I've spent, you know, here, I can like get a little bonus in my persuasion. Maybe. Yes. Let's say if you succeed on a nature role, then you will be able to get, because he's Glenn double advantage on one persuasion check for the rest of the game. Okay.

Okay. Since Link just saw just one of the most confident men that have ever walked the earth, can Link just like from that pure confidence just get like a bunch of stat bonuses too from watching? Daryl, that's what we're doing. Well, I mean, is that the thing that makes Link finally like believe in himself and give a shit? 4 plus 12, 16?

I'm going to say a 16 is good enough. Okay, thank you. So you see the charisma that just radiates off of Glenn Close, amplified by the fact that he's next to Jodie Foster, who has no Riz, who has no charisma. Oh, is that what Riz, charisma? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, the kids are really with it. Once, for the rest of the game, you have the opportunity to double advantage a single persuasion roll. Okay, cool, cool, cool.

Or deception rule. How far away is scary in the angel and Henry from the threshold of the gate? I'm going to say you have one action left before you are over the gate. Oh, you like you want to drop on the top of like where Link's going to be.

No. No. You want to team up again? I have Mask of Many Faces, which allows me to cast Disguise Self at will without expending a spell slot. So I'm going to cast Disguise Self on myself. What do you disguise yourself as? I disguise myself as a different student from Teen High.

Margarita pizza? Larry. Larry, okay. Yeah, and Larry is a science guy, and he wears glasses. Larry the science guy. Yep, classic, and just very innocuous, designed to blend in. Okay, great. Yeah, you look like the human equivalent of vanilla. Yay. You're like the Christmas prince. Is that Larry? Yeah.

So now, Will and Freddie, is there anything you would like to do? Yes. Okay. Okay. So normal still on the other side of the wall. Yes. You have one. You just saw a master get up. It's just saw link cheeses way up the wall. So what is that? I have to roll acrobatics. Acrobatics. Okay. All right. Normal's like, yeah, that's the spirit link. Yeah, you got it. I knew my speech worked. I knew you'd believe in yourself again. You're going to get over all sorts of walls in this life. You have ours, my friend. And then normal is going to try to do what link did because link has inspired him.

that's a 15. So 15 is good enough. You imitating your best pal link. Maybe you destiny to your way up the walls of heaven and managed to get onto the lip of heaven, which I assume you guys are like holding onto the lip before you like go over the top kind of, if you want to, or how are you? Does the wall have like, you know, what do they call it? No, there's no parrot pad or anything. Okay. Yeah. I guess we're just hanging on it. Okay.

And then we swing our feet over and we're like sitting on it, you know, cool, like a cover of an anime. Yeah, we're like those construction workers. Yeah. Lunch pails. Awesome. Like skaters, like the lip of a bull dropping in on heaven. Yes. Okay, so now. We can cut to Taylor. We can cut to Taylor. Taylor is in the field of paper, a gentle rustling as the paper makes cool sounds. And he's just like meditating. And then he's like suddenly quiet, no movement. But then suddenly his eyes bolt open. He's like, wait a minute.

And he grabs the first piece of paper to reach. Okay. What's on it? So you find the name Vincent Spellfeather, which was sent to us by Brian Holt. Thank you, Brian. So Vincent Spellfeather's information is on this piece of paper that you've grabbed. Hear me out. I don't have to find my piece of paper to change my name. I just need to change Vincent's name to Willie Stampler. And then we persuade him to do all this stuff. I have a double persuasion bonus that I can use on this guy. And we can find anybody. Shit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know what you're saying. Yeah. So it's like, aha.

Now I just need a pen. And we need to find Vincent now. Yeah, but we can find that. There's a directory. Yeah, there's a directory. That's how you found Daryl the first time. Yeah, let's just know where it is. It has a filing. It's like a Dewey Decimal System of a human's dog. So let's say you've got a pen. You probably always have a pen on you. So I'm like, all right, well, I'll just cross out this name and this guy's...

Willie Stampler. And then I'll initial the change. The ink is going to immediately evaporate. And go ahead and roll Arcana. 19 plus 2, 21. So with a 21, you can tell that only Vincent Spellfeather can rewrite his own name. Plus, now you know where Vincent Spellfeather is in the Labyrinth of Doors. Okay, great. Who lives, who dies, who spells your feathers? I love Vincent Spellfeather in the Labyrinth of Doors. One of my favorite YA books. I think the author's a little problematic. Ha ha ha!

Henry is getting dropped, right? Yes. How does this work? Henry gets dropped in front of Willie. Okay, so wait, what does that mean? The angel just like opened his yam-yaw? What happens? Yes, the angel opens its yam-yaw, as you said, and Henry gets squirted out onto the ground. Except when the angel opens his mouth, nothing comes out.

Except have whoever you want, Anthony, make a perception roll with probably pretty high DC. I think on the tower got a 19 plus two. Oh, well, then Link sees that a tiny little bug came out. Turned himself into a fly. It was inside the angel's belly. I hope that I hope that works for him.

So Willie on the throne of God is going to roll to see if he can notice that the person that he could sense specifically in another plane has come to him in the form of a bug.

So I gave him a roll with advantage and he got a 14, which I'm going to say is good enough. So we can tell that the bug is the guy's doing the rolling and checking the roles of the same person. Oh, they found out the problem with D&D. Willie goes, get him, dude. And so dude is going to lash out with one of its tentacles. And as a demiplane door opens behind Henry, dude is going to.

hit Henry very hard. Do I get a chance to block? Yes, you get a chance to do something. Okay, I'm going to... Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Hold on. What's the name of that spell? If Daryl knew he could have fought, he would have done something more. Could have! Could have! It's probably not going to work. Don't worry. I had it. That'd be pretty awesome if fucking just Henry killed Willie right now. That's the end. That'd be so nice. The inverse might happen. Willie's currently fighting a guy who's a bug.

Well, I mean, but that's his, you know, that's his. No, but you take the stats of the animal. No, we did it wrong all of season one after I lose my HP of the animal I'm supposed to turn back into. Yeah, it's bad design in my opinion. That's not cool. It's too powerful. There's no trees around her there. No.

That's Henry's last words. He pops out. He pops out of his uniform, says there's no trees around, is there? And then gets slapped into the demiglide. Here's what I'm going to do. Here's what I'm going to do. Sensing that the jig is up, and I cannot believe after all of this, I had this spell the entire time. Henry has a spell called Investiture of Wind, which I'm going to cast. Wow.

That normally you gain a flying speed of 60 feet. So gotta fucking cut this episode in half. Wait, you had a flying spell the whole time? I am not proud of what I've done. But you can only fly 60 feet? Will, tackle him in with you. Oh, will he? Tackle him in with you. So the way that you're set up is kind of the opposite. So, oh.

There's like the door and then there's Henry and then there's Willie. So he would have to like grab Willie, turn him around and throw him into the thing. While he's also being looked at by a bunch of angels and dude who are going to get a moment to react to whatever Henry does. And he's gone. Oh yeah. And he's gone. This is easy. This is easy. I get one thing to do. Yeah. I cast reverse gravity on dude. Okay. Like to beat dude into the air so that I can block the move.

Do you know what I mean? Dude already did it. Yeah. So I'm going to cast Investiture of Wind and I'm going to use its other ability. Is this like a ranged attack, you would say? What is Dude hitting me with? Dude is hitting you with a melee attack. It's one of their tendrils just comes out. Can I cut? It's okay to just let Henry go away. Oh, well, okay. It's okay to make the story Dungeons of Daddy Season 2 about the grandparents of the kids from Dungeons of Daddy Season 1. So Larry, Stella,

steps in front of Henry and is like, don't worry, I'll kill this bug. I'm Larry, that's what I do. And I'm going to try to step on Henry, but not to kill, but just to show, hey, I'm on Willie's side. You don't have to put him in that big plane thing. I'll just kill him right now. Bethany, are you trying to get another teen to be on his side?

Is this the master plan? Don't kill scary. Does the disguise yourself as another teen? 26. Oh. So your deception is 26. So he sees a kid he's never seen before in his life. Larry, the science kid, approach him and say,

What did he say? Let me step on this roach? No, Larry says force equals mass times acceleration. Don't even worry about sending it into that plane. I'm just going to kill this bug right now. Willie is going to believe that you are truly Larry, the science guy. The science kid. The science kid.

But I feel like that's not going to change his opinion that he wants to put Henry in the demi-prince. Okay, up to you. Just saying, could have killed this bug right now. Larry's sick, dog. Just experiment. Whether it works or doesn't, he still learned something. Yo, what a chill guy. Henry's just going to try to dodge this tentacle attack. Let's get it done with. Let's get it over with.

Roll a dexterity saving throw. 17. Dude got a 19. No! Henry gets whapped back into the demiplane, turning into himself just as the door closes and you share a hateful look at Willie as the door begins to close. And if you want to say something cool, now would be the time. I'm going to say... The door closes. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Anthony's had enough of my shenanigans. Fine by me. I didn't care either way. Larry, you see as Ron is summoned from heaven, elsewhere in heaven, Willie goes, I don't even bring him close to me, just fucking demi-plane. I got nothing to say to this one. And

the angel is going to open a door behind Ron and is going to try to spit Ron into the demiplane. See you later. I mean, if Willie wants that. So Ron goes in again. The door is pointed at Willie. So if you want to say something or look at him or do anything as Ron before the door slams shut, you're free to.

Okay, so I think that Ron like looks at Larry and immediately recognizes scary. Like there's just like this vibe, you know, the D&D vibe. And so Ron whistles. And at that moment, because I have Pact of the Chain, I have the Find Familiar spell. I'm not going to use it, but I have a familiar now. Okay, so yes, I'll say that Ron gives you in his final moment before the door closes the ability to summon a familiar.

And the door slams shut. Willie goes, that is that. Everybody that actually poses a threat to me is done with. They are in a demiplane. And now I get to do whatever the fuck I want. Hell yeah. Honey badger waits for nobody, right? You rock, man. So Willie, Willie cast an eye towards you.

I'm going to shut up now. I get it. So roll deception again. So Willie goes, I like you, kid. So he goes, I'm going to. The lawyer's like, what are you going to do next, my king? Willie says, I think I'm going to turn everybody into something like you.

I think having everybody worship me as God, which I am, feels like the reasonable thing to do. So, angels, why don't you go ahead and go into every single realm, and if somebody was willing to fall on their knees and pay homage to me as their God, as their savior, you're going to go ahead and let them live. And if they don't, you're going to slice them in half, or you're going to fucking take your people, and you're going to go and you're going to bisect them and send them straight to hell. Oh, word? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, that's for one thing. And then obviously I'm going to get one of these rooms and try the weird spaghetti thing everybody's been going on about. I'm going to fuck Marilyn Monroe. I'm going to make Cassandra watch the whole thing. Cassandra, obviously make me a sandwich. And also, you'd be a lot prettier if you smiled, Cassandra. So yeah, I've won. I finally fucking... It's been so long.

finally a W for old Willy. And in this moment, you come to realize that everything you need, you have. You have no allies. You have no super powerful magic spells. You have no amazing weapons. But you four have one another. And that is all you need to stop Willy Stample.

Not today, no, not today

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold, as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlowe and myself. Freddie Wong is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolai is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. SRL is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks this week to Brian Holt for providing a name we use in this episode. And also...

Thank you.

Big new year. Big news. Scary Marlowe's band, Butthole Ricochet, just released their album, Sophomore Slump. Stay tuned after the credits for a sneak peek at the first track of the album. And if you're on Patreon, you already know this. You've already maybe even heard it. You have the album in your possession right now. We dropped it over the holidays. But if you're not on Patreon, two options for you, just like Barack's Rock,

from season one. You can go to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads and buy it from our online store or you can just join our Patreon at any level to get access to the album in addition to the previous aforementioned edutainment rap album Rocks Rock in addition to hours of bonus video and audio content shows, one shots, discord access, a whole lot more. It's all there. And by the way, it's cheaper to get the album just by being a patron too. But sure.

Don't tell anybody. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Also, big news for Matt and myself. The feature film we shot over the pandemic starring Ashley Burch and Jordan Rodriguez is called We're All Gonna Die. Got accepted in the South by Southwest 2024. It's gonna be having its world premiere over there. Also, we're gonna throw it up for digital download after the festival, so stay tuned. We're still in the middle of resolving our third-party fulfillment company shutting down without warning right before Christmas. Good news is we got all of our inventory back in our possession, and we're setting it up with DFTBA, who we've used in the past as our fulfillment company.

So more news when we have it, but expect Dice and the Deck of Daddy things to be back in stock when we're finally up and running. Check out all of our links at dungeonsanddaddies.com. Stay tuned to hear some Scary Marlowe music. And our next episode is January 30th. We will see you then. Scary immediately falls asleep and once again sees...

Thank you, Siri. I wasn't talking to you, though. Hey, Siri, she's playing music. Yes, she's the one. No way.