S2 Ep. 48 - Next to Normal
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. Ration, the cold never bothered me anyway. Thanks, everyone. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That's a candle for everybody. No booze. Come on. It's karaoke night. Have a good time here. I got a song. And this one's for all of you, all right? This one's for all of you. Here comes the sun. Do, do, do, do. Here comes the... I'll make...

It's all mine. That's a lot of it everybody. You know it, you spent it. Stinky hip. I was so dumb and crazy. Now who's crazy? You want my shades. I must get paid. $200 a pair everybody, deal with it. Here comes the... Already here folks. Here comes the money I'll make. And it's so much. It's so... Don't boo because I was right. So much money.

Why is nobody dancing? Whatever. Fuck you, Jake Wicks! Little children, it seems my specs are finally selling. I got a markup. Little children, the sun is back. I'm making stacks. Here comes the sun. Do-do-do-do! The fun!

I'm making so much, everybody. Thank you so much. I hope you all had a good time. I'm having a great time. Fuck this town. Shit, watch out.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a D&D podcast. That's right. That's what you signed up for. This one about four teens from our world sent from our world to another world. And now they got America. They befriended an eldritch horror. And now they got said everything right. All by their own state in America.

The whole show takes place in the Netherlands. Yep. Europe. It's a European show. Dude, the Netherlands is a pretty good name for a fantasy movie. That is true. The Netherlands. Also a good name for, you know what, down there. That's what Matt calls it. He has it all. That's what I call it. That's what Matt calls his gooch. All right. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift. Freddie, we can pull out here your cat going sicko mode on some fucking tissue paper. Is that all right? That's fine. Is it getting picked up? It's fine.

Some people know this episode's raw. She's getting picked up for her own sitcom because she's funnier than all of us. You know when those people on TikTok and stuff do magic tricks or punch blocks really fast? They have somebody with a clock behind them so the show's like, oh, we're not manipulating time? Uh-huh. That's what this cat's doing for us. There's no editing in this podcast.

You can hear the cat nonstop. That's my cat. We're just this funny constantly. That's my cat, Moku. Taylor Swift, though, is a ranger teen. Not a ranger anymore. A druid. No, no. What was he? He's a druid now? He's a rogue. He's whatever he wants to be. He's a rogue. He's a rogue. A rogue, which means he could be a druid. You of all people should know your class. You've changed it. I know. He's a rogue. You sound so disappointed in that. I was expecting...

expecting well you know what it is there's just been no opportunities to sneak attack lately and that's like kind of the rogues whole thing no there never are i know if only you were if only you were like if only you were in like a cage fight where there's multiple people fighting each other at any moment you could have like hidden and try to sneak attack like no i'm just gonna make his voice real loud uh this week's taylor fact since we're in the land of oakvale taylor has once constructed for himself a bow and arrow

And he was like, I need a yew tree, Y-E-W, which is like what all the English bows were made out of. So it grows in America, the yew tree, but nowhere near San Dimas, California, where they all are. So instead, he substituted with the common, what's a California tree? I'm not doing your heavy lifting for you. Oak. Oak.

That's not confusing at all. A redwood. Yeah, he cut down a... He cut down a redwood tree? He peeled off the bark of a redwood tree and took a bow-sized...

chunk of wood. I can't pay attention to anything else going on in the house. He's got a little dice. He's got a little D10. Someone throw a dice into the other room. I think also you just get rid of all his tissue paper. No, he loves it though, Doc. Check this out. Check this out. Throw this dice. I don't play Call of Duty. I don't do it when we're recording a podcast. You'd be not cat either, Will. Yeah, so you just take away the toy. Why don't we just put the cat stuff in another room? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, put the cat stuff in Jimmy's room. She didn't follow the dice, Freddie. What do I do? Look, where's the dice? I threw it in the room. You gotta get her attention before you throw it. You can't just throw things and expect the cat to know exactly where it is. Are you crazy? Freddie, I cannot stress how much this is your problem and not our problem. Taylor defaced a redwood tree, which is a felony.

But he made a bow out of it, which snapped immediately because the redwood tree does not give you good wood for a bow. He even tied like a high gauge fishing line. So Taylor has never gone back to the bow. He's never gone back to the bow because of that one bad experience. Because of that one bad experience, he hurt his thumb real bad. Sounds like Taylor's a quitter. Yeah.

It's very Taylor to cut down the largest tree in the world. He didn't cut down the whole tree. He's carved it out. Taylor cut down General Sherman's. You know what it is? You know what it is? No, no, no. I like this. I like this. You know how they talk about how there's like there's one redwood that's the oldest tree in America and everyone's like we have to keep its location secret because if anyone knows there's a danger of people coming and seeing it, we have to let this majestic, beautiful tree just live out its life on its own somewhere in the forest. Taylor found it.

He was using Google Maps. He was like, that tree looks huge. And then he was like, I'm going to go over there. And he got it. And then he fucked it up by building a bow that didn't work. I feel like... Taylor Swift, eco-terrorist, just like the real one.

Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Boss Kicks, schooled at home soccer kid who's now a productive paladin and spouse to his best friends from elementary school. Wait, middle school? High school. You're in high school. High school, that's where we're at, that's right.

Sorry, Lincoln doesn't really know school. He's been homeschooled. Speaking of which. Good save. There was a moment. This is probably the this is the worst thing Lincoln's ever done. Oh, boy. So there was a moment where Marco and Grant were like, you know, we should get him a little bit more socialized. He should start talking to people. But we're a little scared of them going to our school. So they decided that they would open up their homeschool to be part of like a homeschool group where you can like get other kids. So they didn't have a discord for homeschool.

Yeah, it was pretty common. Sometimes homeschools will be like multiple kids, like multiple people will go to one person's home. Yeah, it's like my Minecraft server. It's like a real-life Minecraft server. Sure, that helps you guys, it's a real-life Minecraft server. So the three other kids came to the school, to the house, and the very first day, Marco laughed at one of the kids' jokes.

Oh, that's fucking funny. That's pretty funny that my dad thinks that joke's pretty funny. And another time he saw his dad help out the kid, like open up his pudding pack. He's like, well, that's supposed to open my pudding pack. Now another kid's putting back. So let's just say Lincoln started adding laxatives to all the kids drinks. And then Marco realized it was Lincoln and he got in trouble and he said, no, it's just better off if we just leave Lincoln like Lincoln can't be with other kids. This is dark. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know,

I thought it was going to be like you start telling jokes and pretending he couldn't open his pudding. No way. Just like the cat. He was like literally like the bad seed. Like, like it was like, I liked it better when I was the only child. Don't bring other children into this. Talented Mr. M kicks. So don't fuck with him. Hi everyone. I'm. Do you want me to move it? Yes. Yes. All right, Moe.

If Freddie had kids, they'd be the ones that are like running around the restaurant and spraying water at people. And I'd be the one body blocking and being like, maybe we don't run in a restaurant. Body blocking is definitely the phrase that makes that a banger to me. I know. I was like, yes.

I don't know quite what she means. Block the dog or the kid. Like, did she, it's like, it's a little too close to body checked. Yeah. It's like I stepped in front of the dog. It's a funny phrase that opens it up to all sorts of misinterpretation is terrific. Yeah. Oh,

Where'd your toys go? My name is Will Campos. I play Nor... Did we get to me? Were we on me? Yeah, then you got frustrated at Tomoku because of hate cats. Leave that part in. My name is Will Campos. I play Normal Oak. He's a perky, peppy, chipper, cheery school spirit mascot kid learning things about his own past right now. Yeah. So I thought I'd do a little fact about Normal related to the events of last week's episode. Normal has no recollection of his small arms training that he apparently received at daddy's age too. I thought you were going to say of his small arms.

Smaller arms. Smaller arms than you would expect. So he does not remember ever getting trained in the use of the deadly art of the gun. However, his whole life he's had fantastic trigger discipline and he never knew where it came from. He'd be like, you know, hot glue gunning like a Halloween costume. And that finger's always like numb, not until you're ready to glue something. Do you pull the trigger? He's never done like a spray can, like spray paint and accidentally sprayed it back on his finger. No, you know what? He's never even like, he's used a power drill beforehand.

and he didn't even go, what are the four rules of hot glue gun safety? Well, there's the always check to make sure there's glue in the chamber. Yeah. No, no, no, no. You always assume there's a glue stick Always assume there's glue in the chamber. You never point the glue at anything other than the felt you want to glue with it. If the tip is hot, don't touch it. Nice, okay. And if the government comes for your glue, protest, protest, protest. Yeah.

Maybe you Second Amendment people can glue something together. They'll take this glue gun from my hot, sticky hands. The fourth rule is that only a good guy with a glue gun can stop a bad guy with a glue gun. Yeah. If we outlaw glue guns on the alcohol, so how have glue guns, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. What's with all these glue guns in schools? I'm going to glue myself in a second if this goes on. My name is Beth May.

Hi, Beth. Hi, Beth. Yeah, thanks. Happy to be here. Hero of the podcast. That's, yeah, sure. Yeah, okay. And then I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who doesn't want to care anymore. Fun fact about Scary this week. So Hermes' funeral was actually the first funeral that Scary has ever been to. Wow. If you don't count...

the AI reunion arcade fire concert she went to a few years ago using robot sims of the old band whose album Funeral was released in 2004. Holy shit. Wait, really quick. I would give so much, Beth, for you to narrate a sci-fi story because the fucking lore that you just spun up there...

was so intense. What was it? It was an AI what? Robots? Fucking robots, man! Yeah, AI robots. If your tiny mind can process something. Also, like, of all bands, you have to do, like, robots for it. You're like, wait, how many? Arcade Fire? God, there's like 20 people in Arcade Fire. How many robots do we have to make? Ironically, they all died in 2036 when they played a concert at Dave & Buster's and it burned down.

Oh, man. So, what? Arcade Fire. Arcade Fire, yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah. That's funny. It's the good kind of jokes where you just look at it and go, yes, yes, what a good joke. Yes. Some jokes go for your brain rather than your funny bone. I'll write a sci-fi novella. Yeah. And I'll be like, and then their processors couldn't handle it.

the amount of processing that they had to do slow down gibson do you ever wonder what it's really like to be human my name is anthony birch i'm your dad hi interlinked my dad interlinked is that what is that it's from 2024 oh this is just a scene where they have to like oh not 2024 kill me yeah 2024 well they should have

Yeah, they're really cowardly. Just a bunch of replicants that don't wear masks. Yeah. My new IPO, Weyland-Yutani. So what the fuck am I talking about? My dad fact. My dad fact. So you know that shit was called like Weyli. Like when it was an IPO. Yeah, Weyland-Yutani before they turned into like the cyberpunk fucking company. Anyway, I'm sorry, Anthony. Go ahead. It doesn't matter. No, no, no. Anthony. If you live in Canada, I was on a show that you can watch called The Take Back.

What? So, yeah, I told you about this. It was a charity thing. There was a kid who was sick kid, fucking sick kid. And they were like, hey, you sick, too. They were like, hey, he hasn't had a birthday party his whole life because he's so sick. So he loves Dungeons and Daddies. So why don't we take him to like a theme park and then have the guy from Dungeons and Daddies write a little adventure for him?

And I was like, you have to pay me to do that. And then they did. And I have to say, this is one of the most incredible photos I've ever seen of Anthony in a collared shirt and a wizard's robe. They gave me a wizard's robe. And they appears to be somewhere in Canada. It's Canada's Wonderland. They're equivalent of Disneyland. Oh, wow.

If you live in Canada, I think it's on CTV. I think you can watch it. I just think it's so brave to have a charity show called The Take Back. Because what does that mean? Are they taking back what they give you? I'll read you the press release here. Hosted by Etox, Tyrone Edwards, the new one-hour special turns canceled events into extraordinary celebrations for two deserving heroes. Now, here's my favorite part about this press release. Guest appearances include a bunch of names. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Eight names.

and more Anthony I think you're part of the and more and more it's actually pretty funny in the show because they're like and then there's a secret character who's somewhere in the park literally they had me come out of a best western but they pixelated my whole body so you can't tell that it's me as if anybody would know who I am anyway yeah like would that possibly be WNBA all-star Cheyenne Parker TSN anchor Kayla Gray the Raptors official mascot was there he was wow not at my thing but at the other thing he was at the other show wow

Anyway, that's a thing you can do. Check it out. When we last left our heroes, you had just finished the funeral for Hermie. You were in Oakvale. You went to see Henry Oak, old man Henry Oak, who still looks fuckable because he's an elf.

I found out, by the way, the name of that perk is Timeless Body, which... No way, dude. That's the name of your GQ cover, dude. That's an ass you can set your watch to? Yeah, man. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. It works in all time zones. What does that mean? It works in all time zones, man. That's what it means. Oh, okay. Moonlight Savings Time. That's...

God. Moon's a butt, so it's moonlight savings time. God. Harry's ass. Looks good. Anthony, why don't you go ahead? Yeah, go ahead. You also went to the flashback. That is the daddy magic flashback you've been looking for with all the Okoboes involved. And the flashback took you to Daddy's HQ before something bad happened. We saw a normal accidentally open a door from which a flood of flesh exited and started attacking Daddy's HQ. And we

Ended just as Larkin Sparrow with Hero in tow rounded the corner and said, what did you do? What did you do? And shouted at Normal. So you all in present time are here, but you're invisible and you can affect the world if you want to. But it's in the past. But you're all invisible and you see past Larkin Sparrow saying, what the fuck did you do to Normal? Hey, Hero, what's up?

Taylor goes for a tap. So Hiro immediately goes, and hears somebody saying her name and looks around and doesn't see you, but she's in a panic and she goes, that voice sounds really unattractive. Well, that goes for 99% of my interactions with Hiro, so. The klaxons are blaring. You just saw the flesh mound climb slurping itself into one of the air ducts and it disappears.

So Lark and Sparrow grab Hero and Normal. Wait, we're incorporeal, right? You're not incorporeal, just invisible. Are we ghosts? Like, what are we? You're you, but invisible. Okay, so then Taylor's going to go after this flesh monster. Can we touch things? Yeah, you can do stuff. You're in the past and you're invisible. Yeah, so I'm going to chase everyone. I'll keep tabs on the monster. Okay, so you're just going to jump in the air duct after it? Yeah. Okay, cool. Why don't you roll? This feels like a ranger thing to do because you're tracking a creature. Ooh.

I'm not a ranger anymore. You're not a ranger anymore. Maybe I have a little sense memory of it, you know? You could roll survival or nature. I have a pretty good survival, so I'll do 12 plus 5, 17. 17, okay. So you track this thing pretty adequately. It's got a really slimy trail. You see as it splits up into five different parts of itself and you see those parts split up five more times and then five more times. You see it begin to multiply into many smaller versions of itself with horrible, horrible proportions that make it look like a ranger.

make your mind spin just to think about them. And that's not me getting out of describing them because I'll describe them later. Okay. Taylor backs out of the vet. I lost track of it, but it multiplied into 25 or more versions of itself. Maybe we can like shut off the heating or whatever and close all the vents. Oh yeah, yeah. It's in the HVAC. So,

So you hear screaming from the floor above you. Oh, they're fucked. Past Larkin Sparrow run upstairs holding past Hero and Normal in tow. Normal is just going to follow them because more than wanting to stop anything, Normal has shocked that he was ever at Daddy's HQ and wants to see what's happening. So suddenly... Link will follow Normal. Great. Scary will follow Link. Buddy system, Taylor decides to go his own way and follow Normal. Okay, great.

Suddenly you find yourselves in familiar environs. You're on the office floor of Daddy's HQ, but it looks far cleaner and more maintained than when you last saw it. We need a word with May Hales. And the floor you're on is bustling with activity, clerks, and office workers hurriedly rushing about and grabbing weapons as if their lives depended on it, which they do. So Sparrow approaches a staff member and he goes, how bad is it?

And the voice says, they're in the ventilation. The staff member you now recognize as a younger May Hales. And even as she says it, you can hear the scuttling of many legs and many claws in the air conditioning vents overhead. Clark speaks into his wrist and he says, dad, where are you? And you can't make out the exact response, but you hear Henry Oak's voice. Yeah, and you hear the words top floor somewhere. Top floor!

Bring snacks! So Lark and Sparrow pull out matching revolvers from their shoulder holsters. Bro, it's matching? Lark and Sparrow pull out matching revolvers from their shoulder holsters. Lark and Sparrow pull out matching revolvers from their shoulder holsters. You've played the game Devil May Cry.

They're not matching. You know what I'm saying? One's ebony and one's ivory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're paired. They're paired. Yeah, they work best together. Sick, okay. They start off at a dead sprint toward the stairwell upstairs. In that moment, the walls explode in a flood of articulating limbs and smiling faces. You see creatures not unlike the doodled zombies you've met in the past, but somehow more feral and bestial. Naked humans with their limbs bent in incorrect angles as if they were more spider than person.

Their heads twist at around 180 degrees so you can see their upside down grimaces as they scuttle towards you on elongated, pulsing crab legs. Their flesh melts off their bones like cold icing off a hot cake. But no matter how much the pink ichor drips to the floor of Daddy's HQ, there always seems to be more of it. More flesh, more flesh, more flesh.

their bones hidden under a perpetual stream of melting skin. They scream in unison, a high-pitched cackle that soon mixes with bellows of terror from the implories of daddies. Are we, like, safe here, even though we're invisible? I think so. That's a really good question. This seems pretty heavy-duty. Well, if we died in the past, we wouldn't... We would know about it. Yeah, we would know about it. Yeah. Unless, like... No, we can die in the past.

because your present selves can die here yeah our present selves can die in the past but our past selves will live to be our present selves which will then die in the past link like slams his hand into the corner of a table just to see like if it like hurts yeah it hurts roll the d4 i think we could die oh i'm really strong that hurt but yeah okay um yeah i think we can die yeah so um

Don't. Stick together, guys. Who's with us? We're with dude. You're with dude, Lark, and Sparrow. I took four damage. Okay. Mr. Lark and Sparrow. Yeah. What happened? What is this? What is this monster? Lark says, this is the day we enacted Code Purple. Oh. And as he says that, you see your past Sparrow throw his pistol to Hero. And he says, hold them off for as long as you can. I'm going for Code Purple. And past Lark says, you know Dad will never go for it. And past Sparrow says, yeah, I know. And he grabs young Normal's hand and he heads for the stairwell at the dead sprint.

Oh, okay. Dad, why did you bring us here if we can die? I didn't bring us here. You fucking, I guess, great-grandfather? Your great-grandfather fucking Barry brought us here. I didn't want to go here again. Oh my God. Okay. All right. Well, I guess, how do we do? Just ride this out? You stay with me. We'll keep it safe. Don't touch anything. Don't do anything. As long as we can stay with our older selves, I know we end up being okay. So we just got to not get...

eaten by these or absorbed by these things you know where it's safe you've lived through this yes exactly so yeah just stay right after you guys stick together but not like that stick together hands together like in a pocket like everybody's close hands together I put my hands out everybody hold hands I can't see your hand oh not you I'm in my spouses yeah

So we're all invisible to each other. Okay. Just start feeling around everybody and tell you, Oh, that's me. No, just, just stay with who you can see. Okay. But we can't see each other. Well, no, but you, we can see Larkin. Okay. Okay. But if I feel something, I'm going to hug. I'm hugging somebody. Who am I hugging? Oh, that's me. Okay. I got your hand. Okay, great. This is Matt and Will going through a haunted house.

You go in front. I don't want, I guess it doesn't matter because I had see-through. It looks like I'm going in front even if you're in front. Creatures spill from every vent and window on this floor, grabbing daddy's staff and dripping their hot flesh into the screaming gobs of their victims, drowning them in unnatural skin. I don't want to die like that. May hails hides under her desk, hand clamped over her mouth. Lark and Hero blast away at the creatures with pistols that seemingly never run out of ammo. Every shot splattering one of the creatures only to be replaced by three more crawling over the corpse of their fallen brethren. So you follow Sparrow.

You said up the stairwell. You run up the stairwell feeling a familiar surge of psychic intelligence as you pass by the room with the hyper intelligent whale. You

You follow Sparrow Normal out to the dungeon, the huge collection of magical artifacts and weaponry that you remember from your time in Daddy's HQ. You remember it being in the basement, however, and not the top, because apparently this pyramid is actually above ground in this world and not inverted and underground like it was when you saw it earlier in your lives. You are in the dungeon with all the cool items and all the stuff, so you can spend as many turns as you like collecting items from Daddy's HQ. But every time you do, more of the creatures are going to crawl through the stairway and the ventilation to attack you.

So you also see. And let me ask you this. Will these items, can we take these with us? Yes. These will be with you for the rest of the game. You can also see creatures attacking members of daddies, slicing them to ribbons with their claws and smothering them in skin. Yeah, who cares about that? You can also save those people, but this too will take time. So would you like to follow Normal and Sparrow upstairs or do you want to spend some time collecting some items here because it might be your last chance to do so to get some of these powerful items?

So Sparrow, how long would you say, if you could remember, like did we have before this floor kind of got eaten? This floor is going to get eaten in about two turns, I would say. Mr. Sparrow, what is the dopest shit? We have 12 seconds. Link's looking for an item. I'm asking Sparrow where the dopest shit is. Okay. How would you define dopest shit? You know, how you define it.

What can we kill Willy with? Like the strongest shit you got. What can we kill this big flesh monster with? Yeah, well, I mean... This is the area that's mostly not so much weapons, just magical items that can help you in other ways that aren't direct damage. So there's a lot of good stuff here. There's the Boots of Levitation. There's the Zine of Truth, the Xbox.

The face-off, the one ring to repulse them all, the slap bracelet of befriending. Any of those sound interesting to you? Wait, wait, wait. What did you say about the one before face-off? The Xbox? The Xbox? Wait, which one? I want the Xbox! So you run into a room that is locked with a big X on it, but it's open now because Lark and Sparrow still have the keys. So pass Lark and Sparrow, open it up for you. You guys never rekeyed these locks? Shut up.

And inside you find a postage stamp with an X on it. This was sent to us by Ben Dent. When you figure out what it does, you can thank Ben Dent for sending it in. What does this thing do? I got an 11. Six, just a six. With 11, you can tell that throwing it down on the ground is how you activate it. And you can tell that using it

is a even-ish chance to be helpful or hurtful. So I'll just take it and I'll pocket it. Size of a poster stamp, you said? Size of a poster stamp. It'll fit right in my little pocket. So yes, you would like to... Yeah, I wouldn't have come with Taylor. Link would have just ran into... Yeah, Taylor would have been like, get your own room full of one item. So Link would have just gone into the closest room, just cash and grab. Cash and grab? What is it called? Cash and grab. Cash and grab. Cash and grab.

All right. I'm going to roll a dice to see which of these items you get. That's called paying for something. You drop some cash, then you grab it. Inside this room that you found, Link, you see what looks to be like a lightsaber from a Lego set. It is called the Brick Sword, and it was sent to us by Logan. Again, you can roll Arcana to see what it does. Link picks it up. Okay, so you immediately turn into a Lego version of yourself. Oh!

Hey, guys. All of your fingers fused together and your head becomes a cylinder like a Lego person. Is he small now? Is he Lego sized? He's human sized. He is now a cylindrical head and his fingers are fused together. Wait, where are you? I can't see you. Guys, I feel a little different, but you can't see what I look like. You feel your body.

He feels all plasticky. You're hugging me. Remember? You're not touching me anymore. What do you mean? I don't feel anything. Oh my God. Oh God. That's dark. Wait, do you not feel anything of your Lego too? I'm just plastic. I just feel, I poke in the air behind me to where I think link is. You touch him and he's definitely smooth plastic. I just started like hitting my hands together. This, I don't feel anything when I hit my hands together.

Link, we're going to fix this. Don't you worry. What happened? Don't you worry, Link. Okay. Wait, wait. You know that Lego plastic is like insanely powerful plastic, right? It's very good. And the fucking quality control is like, it's like microns. Like a fucking, like, yeah, it's a fuzz. That's why, that's why a Lego piece from like 30 years ago will still snap in place today with a Lego piece of today. Incredible. Um, scary is going to just reach out and try to grab something that might help Link.

Okay. I don't know. I just like, I don't feel anything. Did you want to roll Arcana to see what this Lego sword does? Oh yeah, I did. I rolled a five. So you have no idea. I think it just killed me. I think whatever I grabbed just killed me. I can feel your corporeal form. I don't feel you touching me. I'm going to use something to try to fix you. I reach out. Is there just a regular roll I can...

Yeah, give me an investigation roll. That's a natural one. Oh, no. Oh, no. So the natural one, you find an item that undoes specifically Legofication and you break it in your hands on accident when you try to pick it up. Oh, I didn't find anything. There's nothing in here. I don't have knees. No, don't worry about that. I can't play soccer if I don't have knees. I want to get out of here. I can't see anybody or feel anybody.

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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo! Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? I love you, Dad.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com, promo code daddies. Can I pick up something that he can see? Yeah, sure. I pick up like a flashlight or something. I'm like, Link, fuck! You find the nearest thing, which we'll say is the zine of truth. Okay. Which was sent to us by K to DMock, and I will explain what it does if you succeed in an arcana roll. If not, at the very least, you will- I feel like that one just means she has no idea what it does. I actually just got a natural 20 on the arcana roll. On the arcana roll, okay. So when you pick up the zine of truth, you can tell that it does the following.

Whoa.

I'm not going to fuck with this right now, but Link, just follow. Can you see this book? Follow this book. Okay, yeah. And then you're following me, and then we're going to get out of here because we've kind of run out of turns to get stuff. I think whatever I took also took my fingers. Oh, no, that's okay. Just keep walking. So you can keep looking for stuff. You'll just have to fight some of these creatures.

in order to do so normal would like to also search for something while all this is going on can we say that all four of these things happen at the same time i see no reason not to okay and i got a sword just to be clear you got a brick sword that you are currently holding and i don't know what it does you don't know what it does i can't see myself i know we can see me correct so there's a floating was a lightsaber is what you said it looks like a lightsaber from a lego set so it's a blocky little lightsaber type thing give me an investigation roll

That's a two minus one. So a non-natural one. Great. I'm going to roll twice and pick the least useful thing of the two things that I roll for. Okay. This actually feels in keeping with normal.

This item was sent to us by Ross McKay. Thank you, Ross McKay. This is the one ring to repulse them all. It is the most dazzling, beautiful, and captivating ring you've ever laid eyes upon. If you want to roll Arcana to see what it does, feel free. I got a 16, or 15 rather. 15 is great. So this is a ring that once worn will give off an aura of pure and utter repulsiveness to the wearer. No one wants to be near you or even look at you, and the wearer will always feel like the people around them can smell their BO, which will make anyone close to the wearer want to get as far away as physically possible. He was wearing this the whole time.

Yeah, Normal is like, hey, Normal. Yeah, Normal puts it on in the past, dog, and then he looks at his own hand and he realizes it's been there the whole time. That's great. Yeah, Normal's been wearing this the entire time. Yeah, you literally, Normal, you literally watch. Guys, my ring is in here. What's that about? All right, well, I guess I didn't really find anything other than the ring I'm already wearing. Okay.

Yeah, I guess that's what you get for a non-natural one. So again, you can continue to look for items here. There's still some more items. You'll just have to roll to see if any of the creatures notice you. And if so, you'll have to fight them or you can keep running. What do you guys want to do? Let's just keep going. I think everybody stay behind me. I'm pretty sure I can't die anymore. Yeah, I don't. Use this large block. I think I'm dead. No, I don't think that. Or I'm not a person. No, it's okay, Link. I think you could probably die. Scary, you're not feeling what I'm feeling. Ha ha ha.

Which is nothing? Dude reaches out and touches you. Mr. I feel nothing. I feel nothing, too. I feel nothing all the time. Oh, God. Did you grab the sword, too? Yeah. No. I mean, no. No, I didn't. But I just feel nothingness because that's what's cool about me. That's pretty. Okay. Dude goes, you can probably die. Okay. Yeah. Listen to dude. Well, within reason. Okay.

You can die and I want to kill everything in the world. Not everything, not us, dude. No, not you. You guys are my friends. Normal's about to leave, but then a dark psychic presence calls to him from somewhere in this fucking chamber of secrets, if you will. This giant room full of magical items. I rolled an 11. What is calling to normal? So 11 is like a 50-50. So I'm going to roll a 50-50 to see if it's something good or something bad. Oh, 19. Okay, so it's something good. You feel the call of food. So this is your second turn.

Yes. You feel a call of the slap bracelet of befriending, which was sent to us by Natalie Boyd. Thank you, Natalie. It seems like it is a useful item, just objectively useful and has no ill effects that can be discerned from the feeling that you get. I'm going to roll an arcana.

I got a 10. With a 10, you can tell that it's a slap bracelet that comes with the ability to naturally cast charm person. Once you can beat a character's AC with it, you can slap the bracelet around a character's wrist and cast charm person automatically on them and the spell lasts forever until the bracelet is removed. So it's like the opposite of the ring of repulsion, basically. Yes, exactly. Interesting.

Interesting. Interesting. Just resets you to a baseline. Yeah. Yeah, now you're just kind of like, meh, you're just mid. The worst thing anyone from Gen Z could be. He is neither cringed nor based. He is only mid. I sentence you to a lifetime of misery.

You've grabbed an item. So I'm going to roll to see if any of the creatures notice you. I'm going to say anything above a 10 is they don't notice you and anything below a 10 is they notice you. So I rolled a 15. So they managed to completely ignore the fact that you grabbed a snap bracelet. So what would everybody else like to do? Could we just get out of this memory? We got to get out of here. I need to see what happened. I need to see what I am. We'll figure that out later. For now, you are our human shield. Well, you might not be human. I'm telling you I'm dead. You hear Barry Oak's voice.

rumbling through this memory and he goes, I can make you visible if that's what you want. Wait, Link, no. I don't think so, no. What about just Link? Yeah, I can do that. Can you do that for like a split second? Sure. So for a split second, you see a human-sized Lego man. I don't see it, obviously. You don't see it. What if he puts you in front of a mirror? No, I don't want to know.

Let me close his eyes though. You see a human sized Lego man. His clothes are just drawn onto his square torso. His fingers are all locked together. He has no knees. I want to have a backpack though. I specifically want one of those things that you have to take the head off in order to. Yes, you have a backpack.

In order to put on an accessory. You see his face is like basically drawn on, but it's changing with his expressions and that he's holding still this sword. I think I'm going to be sick. Okay. And then he disappears. Quick teen huddle. Don't. Not you. Nobody say, if you say it's good, like say nothing. Okay. Well, here's what you're going to do. Cover your ears real quick. We need to have a quick discussion. Okay.

I don't know where they are. I don't think I have ears anymore. And dude puts his hands over where your ears should be, but they aren't. All right, quick teen huddle. You can't hear us, right? Hey, what the fuck? He can't... I don't know. We'll fix it later. We gotta go. Here's what we're gonna do. He looks like a Lego guy.

We need him in front, clearing up. You know what I'm saying? He's our human shield. You understand? He leads. Oh, wait. What if we see somebody coming, we tell Link to, like, go on the ground because there's nothing worse than stepping on a Lego. Oh, that's true. If we ride into a really big guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'll have him put his hands up, his yellow, strange, plastic claw hands to try and puncture. Okay, okay, okay. All right. Okay. Okay. Um, Link.

because you're such a good oh yeah yeah dude removes their hands okay i'm gonna do my best not to infer what happened to me based off of yeah don't think about it don't think about it just we're gonna we're gonna make you our leader cool and you're just am i strong now yeah you're so strong yes okay um yeah and um so we're just gonna follow you great okay okay i'm gonna walk forward is everybody done looking for items

Normal's really wondering what dark psychic force was calling him to pick up his charm bracelet. Maybe a dark psychic force that was like, maybe try showering. Scary also feels a dark psychic force. And I rolled a 14 for dark psychic force. Okay, so you once again get a friendly dark psychic force that directs you towards...

Boots of levitation. These are a normal Dungeons and Dragons ass item that do exactly what they sound like. Well, like how high can you levitate? Yeah, but you gotta pump them up like Reebok pumps first. Oh, yeah, dude. It's how many pumps. That's the mechanic. You have to pump it up a certain number of times, but it's up to you. I have to pump the jam? Levitate allows you to rise vertically up to 20 feet. Oh, wow. And then you can walk forward? The target can only move by pushing or pulling against a fixed object or surface within reach. So you can't just like naturally walk. You'll have to like

Use momentum and gravity. Like a gondola pole. It's like that prank that they do on people on the ISS. Sorry? There's like a prank that they've done. I've seen a video of this where they just put someone in the middle of the room and then they pull away everything and they're like, guess what, idiot, you're stuck. And they're like, oh, and they just got flew around. For the love of God, Montresor.

Cool. I got some cute boots. All right, let's go. Anybody else? I'm good with my Xbox. Let's just get out of this memory, right? We probably got the juice, right? We got out of the memory now when we get the juice. No. Who said that? So you can't see Lark's face, but he goes, no. Okay. This is not the important part of the memory. Oh, okay. Let's just keep going. Well, I'll follow you. No, no, no. You're the leader now. Yeah, I know. I'm the leader. So I say I'm following Lark. No. No.

I don't know where to go. Largo's fine, sure. Okay, fine, follow me. And Largo leads you upstairs. How do we follow? Do we tie something around? Are y'all holding onto me? Yeah, like, you know what? Oh, yeah, I look for like a curtain string, something to tie like a big leash around all of us. Here, I take the laces out of the boots. Oh, perfect. All right, everyone take a lace. What a useful item. You follow Sparrow in the past as he's holding Normal around. And on the way up,

through the dungeon, you see Sparrow grab a ring that you recognize as the ring of swapping from way back when, and a memory syringe, which you also recognize from way back when. Upon reaching the top floor, you see a slightly younger Henry Oak. Alarms are going off. Henry is in his office. What is Henry doing when the alarms are going off as creatures are crawling through the air ducts trying to get at him? I feel like, can Mercedes be here too? Yeah, why not? I feel like Mercedes and Henry are just like back to back, like the boys are killer. Enjoying their last night of passion. Just fucking...

Right before they die? No, they're blasting guys and they're like handing each other crystals. Matthew Arnold. Matthew Arnold. Henry and Mercedes do other stuff besides have sex. They also fight evil. And Daddy's HQ, right now they're like handing each other scrolls and firing off spells and just like trying to hold down the fort while Henry is like looking at, there's like a big control monitor showing like the levels of Daddy's HQ and he's like,

Command group three, get to section J of the, you know, that corridor, the one with the soda pop machine in it. They told us to get rid of, get down there. There's more guys coming in. So you see those guys get to that, that hallway on the screen. You see that Henry is doing a great job of, of sort of directing traffic from up here in the office.

So Sparrow bursts into the room, blasts a creature in the face, steps over its corpse and asks, where's the dimensional amplifier, dad? The what? The dimensional amplifier. It's an item. You have it in this office somewhere, right? You kept it from us. What do you need it for? So he says...

I found a way to send the doodler back to its home dimension. I can fix all this. Like I found a way to do it. I'm not going to do code purple. It's something else. I found a thing. Henry's going to do an insight check on his son. That's advantage. Yeah. It's your son. Does that mean the other daddies are here too? No, they're not here. Oh, Daryl and Ron. And they're off doing other adventures. Cool.

They're all on the CIA in memoriam wall because they've all died by this point. Oh my God. I got a 15. So the 15, you can tell that he is definitely lying. He is trying to enact a code purple. Sparrow, no, we can't. What are you talking about? Get down there. We got to contain this. He said, there's no containing it. As you see on the screen, almost every guard station is being overrun. The office workers are being overrun by the flesh horde that is tearing people to shreds.

The entirety of Daddy's looks like it has been compromised and looks like it's not going to really have any way of saving itself outside of divine intervention. And he says, Dad, look, I know you don't like the idea of Code Purple, but it's all we have left. It's going to. We are not going to doom another world to deal with this thing. Sparrow, get your head in the game. Sparrow goes, fine, I'll find it myself. And he starts searching the room. He rules a 15 investigation. So he finds that there is a safe underneath Henry's desk.

And Sparrow goes, combo. I need the combo. I cast Wall of Stone around the safe. Okay. Wall of Stone just does, I assume, exactly what it sounds like. I mean, technically, I'm supposed to play jazz ball to do this. It's fine. Oh, it's fine. That's interesting. I just don't want to shame you by how easily Will would beat the first level of jazz ball. Okay. Well, okay. Okay. That hurts my feelings. Anything else to say, gamer?

I'll do it right now. Yeah, do it, Will. I'm doing it. Let's see. You have to read the instructions first and see that they don't make much sense. How to play. Easy. Easy. That's not easy. It just says... Arcade. Here we go. Here we go. And then you go arcade. But you can't just do the left or right. Any percentage. Speed run. Okay, well, I'm just saying... All right, level one completed. How many do I need to do, Anthony? You've done it. You've done it.

You've done it and you've heard best feelings. It's a win-win. Win-win scenario. Okay, so a big wall of stone erupts around Sparrow, separating him from the safe. So Sparrow reaches into his pocket to try to find something. And in that moment, you hear a hissing noise. And as you turn to find the source of a hissing noise, you see that one of these creatures is looking directly at you. It doesn't look like it's looking through you. It somehow looks like it's looking at your group and it sees you. And one of the... It sees us. It sees us. It sees us. It sees us.

So you have one moment to do something before... I'm going to throw the X-Box at its feet. Okay. Ooh, risky. You see the stamp, the postage stamp, turns into a coffin-sized wooden box that contains an X of whoever threw it. So what is... Do you think that Taylor has an X? That's fucked. So you have to get a body pillow in there? It's a body pillow. So...

So you must give a command before you open the box. To my body pillow? You don't know it's your body pillow yet. Okay, so I see the box and I'm like, it must be some kind of fierce warrior. Attack! Okay, so now make a charisma throw. My Riz throw, baby.

It's a good opportunity to reveal like him and hero dated once. Natural one. Natural one. So the Xbox opens and from it, a floating body pillow, anime waifu body pillow comes up, but its eyes are red and it's fangs.

are bared on the body pillow and the fangs are actually like physical 3D fangs that are coming out of the body pillow and it goes and it just comes straight at you flies straight at you Taylor what Yumiko no and bites you directly on the face not like this rolling a DH Taylor's like what

I have to know, how is this your ex? Did your mom throw away his pillow? Yeah. Did you throw it away? I just developed feelings for a different body pillow, dude. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Taylor got another body pillow. Damn, dude. Oh, man. That was a little better stuffed. No.

It was more absorbent. Two. Not the memory foam. This memory foam remembers all the contours. So currently, if an objective viewer were to look at the scene, they see basically a body pillow just tackling something that's wriggling on the ground but invisible. Henry back in the memory is like, God damn it, we need to, what the?

Okay, so that was what you did to try to deal with the monster. Normal has a play for the flesh monster that's running at us. Okay, go for it. Which is I'm going to wrap the charm purslane bracelet around the ring to see if they create some sort of like negative energy bomb and throw it at it. Because they're kind of like a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I'm trying to overload the magic circuitry here. Give me a luck roll of d20. If it's more than a 10, then it'll work exactly the way you want it to. That's an 11. Okay, so with an 11...

It does exactly what you want. The aura of pure and utter repulsiveness combines with the aura of utter friendship, and it pops off, and the creature is knocked backwards in a wave of ambivalence. And then I want to swing at it with my sword. How did the creature react to the body pillow, though? The creature did not react at all. It's too busy salivating. It's seen it all before. It's seen it all. It's too scary to react to things like that. Same way your cat would, which is just, I watched you do it.

So you swing the sword. Go ahead and give me an attack roll link. That's a 22. Wow. Okay. Whoa. So it's going to do 1d8 slashing damage. And then 1d8 Lego bricks are going to shatter from the impact and hit the ground. Oh, it's going to be two 1d8 rolls.

I got a seven for damage. Okay, good damage. Five Lego bricks. Okay, so five Lego bricks hit the ground. The creature tries to move towards you and absorb the blow, but when it does, it stands on one of the Lego bricks and takes 2D12 piercing damage. Oh my God. So any creature that tries to step on you or the Lego bricks that come out of it take 2D12 piercing damage. So should I roll as piercing damage? Yes, please.

Seven to seven. Okay, so seven. Its feet splay out. It loses its footing and hits the ground and its chin knocks on like a Lego Empire State Building and it impales it through its lower jaw. Link just stares at the Lego pieces and he's just slowly he's just like, oh no.

Let's get out of here. Do you think someone's ever died stepping on Legos? I don't think so. No. Probably not from the Lego. Maybe somebody died because they tripped. No, that's what I mean. They stepped on the Lego, which caused them to stumble and then... Yeah, probably. Absolutely. And die? Yeah. Somebody probably fell down the stairs or something. Yeah, people fall down the stairs all the time. People fall down the stairs all the time. You killed him. The Legos in the fall killed him. I wouldn't be surprised if somebody cut their foot on a Lego and got sepsis because shit's crazy. People have died from tiny little cuts before. That's right.

It happens. I think about it a lot. People die. Scary sees what just happened with the Legos and it's just like, see Link, you're greater than the sum of your parts. Oh God, sorry, I'm a Lego? Well, I mean, yeah, yeah, that's, yeah, you're a Lego. Okay.

Cool. Let's go. Yeah, let's keep going. Like Lego, like let's go. Oh, God. I can't wait to hear that for the rest of my life. You see a past sparrow pull out what looks to be a screwdriver. He jams it into the mortar between two of the stones and he smacks it with the heel of his hand and the stones pop away. Not because it's a screwdriver, because it's magical. Just so you don't think that that's how I think screwdrivers work. I know that's not how they work.

Anthony Burke, screwdriver user. And he's going to try to paw at the safe, the combo safe, and see if he can lock picket. So I'm going to have him roll. Henry's going to confront Sparrow. Okay. Like, Sparrow, I know you're scared right now, mister, but we need to be brave. Like, we can't give up on our most sacred principles just because things are looking a little tough, okay? You know what? We'll abandon Daddy's HQ. We'll regroup. We'll build a new Daddy's HQ, and we'll figure it out.

We can't let this turn us into something this horrible. Sparrow says, Mom, can you talk to him? And Mercedes looks to you and looks back at Sparrow. And she goes, your father's right. We can't take the easy way out. And he goes, Jesus Christ. And he is going to pull out a gun, his gun, and shoot the lock on the safe. So he gets a five. So it doesn't penetrate the lock, but it's now very clear what he is trying to do. He's going to blast his way into the safe. And within a turn, he's going to be able to get inside.

Sparrow, I don't have time to have a rational conversation with you right now about this, okay? But I am the director of Daddy's HQ and you work for Daddy's HQ. So, you know, I don't want to put my foot down and be Mr. Authority about this, but we really are not going to do this, okay? So as you say, we're really not going to do this. One of those flesh creatures tackles Henry from behind and pins him to the desk by his wrists.

and looks like it's about to try to start bleeding flesh onto you. Mercedes jumps on back of it and starts stabbing away with a knife, but it doesn't seem to be doing a lot. Sparrow and Henry are like eye to eye as Sparrow sort of has a moment where you can decide to try to save you or go after the safe. And he looks at you, Henry. He looks at Mercedes. He looks at the security camera footage that shows the entirety of Daddy's HQ being overrun. And he sees one of the creature's

turn on normal and leap through the air towards toddler normal, the past normal, the adorable one. Not the gross one now. Before everything changed. Before the puberty. And he's going to see all this happening. And he looks at you, Henry, and he looks at normal and you can't really tell who he's saying this to, but he just says, I'm sorry. And he blasts the safe open. The lock comes off. He dies.

wrenches it open and inside finds the amplifier that you've used previously the dimensional amplifier and some other fucked up shit some other real fucked up shit real fucked up weird crazy cia like level shit oh if you look in there you'll know who really killed jfk yes thank you yes the fucking the rock ass shit fuck yeah just jfk is sitting in there uh well uh secret sweetheart finally let me out

I'm free. And he leaps out of the safe and immediately gets tackled and mauled by one of the flesh monsters. Ah, yeah, right.

Something about asking not. We chose to swap with the moon in this decade. So Sparrow plugs the ring into it, plugs the syringe into it, and Code Purple activates. There's no drama behind it. There's no moment of buildup. There's no big, loud noise. Suddenly, there's just a bunch of people there. And then the next second, there are a bunch of very confused gnomes and elves and dwarves who are, in short order, torn to pieces by the doodlerized flesh horde.

It's just human beings? Are we still in here? You feel yourself getting pulled along in the memory, along with all the humans that were inside Daddy's HQ, to Faerun, now that Code Purple has happened. Very suddenly, Daddy's HQ inverts. The pyramid is now a pyramid that goes underground rather than one that comes out of the top of the ground. And the room is now upside down, and everybody falls to basically what is the ceiling now. And there are no creatures left. It's just...

Normal and Mercedes and Henry and now Sparrow. And Lark comes rushing down the stairs into the room. So Henry rolls off. He's on the ground now, right? Yeah. So he gets up. What did you do? Did it work? What?

Oh my God. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Is there a, like a monitor or anything? Like what is the room look like? So there were basically a bunch of monitors that you could see all the, you know, people you were directing. You could see every inch of daddy's HQ through the monitors and the security camera footage. Okay. But it's all upside down. It's all upside down now. So the whole building came with us. Yeah. All the humans came with you. None of the monsters came with you. And daddy's HQ came with you. Henry rushes to, is there like a window? Are we underground? You are underground. So when you rush to the window, you just see a bunch of soil. Oh my God. You...

I turn back to Sparrow and I just stare at him in shock. And he says, I'm sorry. Do you realize, Hassan, what you just did? I know exactly what I did. And...

I know you're angry, but I saved you and I saved mom and I saved my son and I saved my daughter. And we'll find a way to get back and fix things. Tell that to Walter. Tell that to Aaron. Tell that to everyone we knew who is dealing with what we were just dealing with it because you just visited it upon all of them. So Sparrow kind of just nods and looks at your feet because he can't bear to look you in the eye. I love you, son, but I will never forgive you for this.

And then Henry turns away and walks over to the wall and just breaks down. Mercedes goes towards Sparrow and hugs him. She says, I know you did the best that you could, but you needed to be a lot better. And she walks over to Henry, takes him by the hand, and then tries to lead him back up the stairs out of the building.

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and sees his dad standing there. What does he see? He sees his dad standing there. Tears beginning to well up in his eyes. He sees Lark coming over to Sparrow and put a hand on his shoulder. Lark says, you did the right thing. Sparrow shakes his head and he looks at Normal and he goes, Normal, you're about to forget everything that you saw here. But I, in this last moment before it's all gone, I want you to know that

I did it for you. I did it to keep you safe. One day you're going to find out what I did and I don't think you'll ever forgive me for it. And I don't think maybe I should be forgiven, but I did it for you and I love you more than anything. And I'm sorry, you're not going to remember this.

Young Normal's eyes roll back into his head and he falls over, as does everybody, every human on Earth, with the exception of high-ranking Diabetes members. And they forget that they were ever in another plane of existence. And as far as they know, they were always in Faerun. They were always in this weird world that you know as Faerun, but we know as his home. You feel gravity pull you back towards the present time. You feel Barry yanking you back into the present, and you...

You see the Oak Boys all assembled before you, a purple cloud of daddy magic emanating from them like a miasma. It smells of regret and of mistakes that cannot be taken back. The purple magic swirls in the air and then flows into the jar that you've been collecting all the daddy magic in, and the jar is now full. You now have everything you need to send the dude back to their home dimension. You notice that dude is staring into the middle distance with a...

Horrified look on their face. Oh, no. Oh, no. We shouldn't have brought you to this. I killed all those people. Well, you didn't. The flesh thing. I made that thing.

I did that one day for funsies. We've all killed people at this point, I guess. Yes, that's true. Wait, sorry. Is Link still a Lego guy? Yeah. So now that you're back in time, you see that Link is a Lego guy. And I'm going to just go ahead and say it because now you've used it. As long as you're holding onto the sword, you will be a Lego guy. Oh, that's all it is? Yeah. If you put the sword down or put it in your pocket or whatever, you'll stop being a Lego guy. Link just tips straight over. He goes to fall to his knees, but he has no knees. He just like falls flat and...

And face down and he starts talking to your mom. And then his head just rotates one 80. So that his face is facing up again. He goes, whatever. Like, yeah, that's what happened. But,

You know, what are we going to do? Just keep fighting off and I don't care anymore. I just throw away the sword. Your neck is dry. Your head's on backwards. You immediately die. Wait, am I human now? Yes, you were human. Okay. All right. I'm human. What a roller coaster of emotion. I don't know what to tell you. Like, you didn't know what you were doing.

You know? You're just a kid. We didn't know that either, you know? We didn't know you were just a kid like us. So, you know? Yeah, you don't gotta blame yourself. Although, it was jacked up. No one's saying it wasn't jacked up. But...

I don't think you would have done it if you had known, right? Right. No. No, I don't think I would have. Unless I was in bad girl mode because they deserved it or something. But I don't think the people in there deserved a bad girl. So normal seeing all of his friends immediately console dude after this whole memory. Just kind of he's just watching them and just being like they're not talking to me because they know it's my fault, not dude's fault. And so while they're talking to him, he just walks off into the woods.

Well, can I roll perception to? Yeah, go ahead. It's only because dude talked right away. Yeah, yeah. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. So with 11, you notice this happen. Normal. What? Normal just keeps walking. Fuck. Normal, come back. No, just go on without me. Just go. Just go. It's just go. Go on without you? Oh, man.

Oh, man. It's not funny, scary. Then what is it? What do you mean? What is it? It's all my fault. So what do you want? What do you want from me? Because I let the fucking thing out and then my dad did the thing. And so this is all my fault. So I shouldn't be involved in this. I'm probably going to make it worse. That's all my family ever does. So you guys just go on and I'll just I will stay out of it. That's probably the best thing I can do.

Normal. Listen, did you hear what I just said to dude? Did you hear? It's not dude's fault because dude is just a thing. Dude was just a kid, right? Dude was just a kid. And so are you. So are you. You still are. We're all just kids.

You know, and yes, we've done bad things. I've done bad things, right? I've done terrible, terrible things. I fucking tried to kill you. I tried to kill you. And you hugged me, you know? Why would I ever think that this was all your fault? This was just this fucked up situation. Yeah, you gotta stay with us. Otherwise...

I mean, you say otherwise, what? My dad doomed two worlds for me and he doesn't even like me. So what am I supposed to do with that? Well, I don't I just like you. Yeah, there's nothing to do with that. That's you. You're right. Everything you just said is right. OK, so what do you want to do next? You want to just walk away?

I mean, at least we have each other. I mean, like the scary said, we forgave her. We've all killed. We've all done things like you guys stayed with me even after like the firefighters and everything else that's happened. Like, yeah, I know. It's funny now, I guess. I guess on the scale of everything that's happened. I mean, everybody died. I don't know. There's just so much death. It's just like, I mean, I know what I think I could forgive that. I just think if you just walked away from us just because that's something I couldn't forgive.

So the past is the past normal. And there are many things we accept that I am. Why? I don't. I guys, I didn't think about the future. We're close to. I mean, if not fixing, we're close to doing the only thing that we know that we can do. So I just like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm, I'm, I'm, we are on a path to try and fix all this. And if you walk away from it now, what does that make you, man?

I don't know. You can mope after you try to fix it. All right, fine. I'll just shut up and we'll just keep going. You're right. Fuck it. Whatever. No, whatever. It's fine. It's fine, right? Fuck me. So let's just go. Let's just go. I'm being stupid. So forget it. You're not being stupid. Normal. The thing is, yeah, we're all trying to fix this, but we might not be able to. Okay. It might just be that we've just got to, you know,

find a way to like live with this but together and I'm just saying that yeah we've all been through all this you know bad bad bad shit but sometimes I had fun and when I think about it it was because I was with you guys so I don't want to be without you guys and I think that we could we could just try to make things better and know that you know if nothing else we tried

I just feel like I, you know, you guys, you know, I'm really good at being safe with the hot glue guns. Yeah. You know, all four of the, the rules, you know, I was always kind of like, how do I know that stuff? You know, even though I, I never, you know, what, how do I know, how do I know all these things about guns? How do I know? And I see this and I'm like, you know, maybe that's why, but I'm also like, I get why,

Why my dad looks at me the way he does, because he did all this. He fucked over everyone he knew and he destroyed his relationship with his dad and his mom.

For me and my sister and I'm not even in I'm not even I don't I don't know. I just I feel like every time he looks at me, I know that and there's a part of me still knew it. And that's why I don't even like myself that much. And like, you know, because what is there? What ultimately is there? Right.

like you know you guys all have your stuff that you're good at and you have your stuff that you're proud of yourselves for but i don't have anything i don't fucking anything i just had this white stupid fucking costume because i can't i don't i don't have it right all i have is a fucking dad who sees me as somebody who fucking grew up to be a disappointment after he did all this stuff for me yeah that sounds like a him problem yeah that's that sounds like it's his fault that doesn't sound like

Let me put it this way, Norm. I didn't grow up into someone you can be proud of. I did all that. Norm, we are proud of you. And you know what? Why? Why? Because you're the glue, Norm. You're the fucking hot glue that keeps us together, man. You keep this whole school together. Oh, shit. We would be nowhere without you, man. So we're not going to let you walk into the forest by yourself.

Because where would we be without our hot glue, huh? Teen high may be one of the most mediocre teams in terms of football and athletics, but we're in the middle of the pack because of you, Norm. Without you, without the school spirit keeping those football teams and the basketball teams together, we would be dead last. Look, I think the biggest problem is your dad still hasn't grown up into somebody that you should be proud of. It's not on you. Okay. I don't know. At least you're feeling something. Like, that's...

That's good. And at the end of the day, I can't tell you what you should do, but I don't know. I just think we have to keep doing what it is that we got here to do and hopefully we can make things better. And if not, then we tried. I don't know. I don't know, Norm. I wish I could help you, but I, I, I really, I, I appreciate you guys saying that. I, I,

I don't know if I could believe it yet. But if you guys believe it, and I look up to you guys, so I'll try. Yeah, no. I don't think I believe it. I mean, I don't think I believe it. Okay, well, fuck me then, I guess. No, I don't know. It's not on you. I'm just letting you guys know. I don't feel... I don't know. I don't really care. I don't really feel about it. I just know that I would be sad if you got out of here. Because, yeah. I don't know. That'd be harder for me, I guess. But I don't know. I'm just...

I hope you feel better. Okay. I guess I do feel a little better. I'm sorry. You don't feel well either. And I'm not trying to monopolize the whole moment here, you know? So if you want to, you know, talk about your stuff, link. Oh, no. We can do that. Just, you know, whenever you want. Cause you know, that's okay. Let's just finish this. Dude puts a hand on your shoulder. Normal. And it goes, you're, you're good. Thanks, dude. You're good too. You're a good dude. And I, I tap dude's hand. Dude nods. Let's send you home.

At that moment, Sparrow sort of comes from the campfire and sort of intentionally steps a little heavy so you can hear that he's coming. And he goes, Who goes there? It's me, it's Sparrow. Just walk normally. What are you doing? Yeah. Clopping around. I just wanted you to know that it was coming. Why? You think I couldn't detect your hearing from two miles away? Fair enough. I was just wondering if you wanted to, I was hoping to,

Talk to my son. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you don't want us here for that? No, I was just hoping to talk to just him and dude, actually. You're okay with that normal? Yeah, I'm okay with that. Thanks, Gary. Okay. All right, bye. You guys head back to the camp. I flip him off as he walks by me. And behind him, I give the jerking off motion, like, check this guy out. Sparrow sits down between you and dude.

And he puts a hand on your shoulder and then he thinks better of it. He removes his hand and he goes, this isn't your fault. This is my fault. The relationship you and I have. When I looked at you, I saw my own failure and that was me blaming myself and I was taking it out on you. And that wasn't fair. And you're a good kid.

You're really, really good. You're the best son of guy could ask for you. You don't hurt people. You're kind. You're giving. You're always loyal to your friends and to your school, even when it gives you every reason not to be. And you do. You're similar. You're trying your best. And, you know, sorry, I'm bad at talking about my feelings and stuff, but it's OK. I just want you to know that I I love you very much and I am proud of you. Normal is going to roll an insight on that. And I got a seven. No way of knowing for sure.

Okay. I'm glad that you're now proud of me after... Never mind, Dad. Never mind. Well, I mean, there's one more thing, which is important. And it's that one of these days, your family is going to stop falling for this trick. And in that moment, a hand comes up with a collar around the dude's neck.

and the image of Sparrow dissipates and becomes Willy Stampler. What? He puts the collar on Dude, and he goes... He wants to run towards Willy. Yeah, everybody can run towards Willy. You all get one turn to do something. I think Taylor doesn't. Taylor was already fucking doing s'mores, dude. Lark looks around in a panic, looking for his brother. The collar just reminded me was... It says, follow all of Willy's instructions to the letter. I'm going to attack. Okay. I'm going to do Improved Divine Smite.

An 11 hit DC. That's not going to hit him, I don't think. Oh, no, it does. He has an AC of 10 because he's a sorcerer. So it does hit him. So go ahead and roll damage. All right, I'm going to do radiant. We said he's an undead or a fiend. He's not. He is a fiend. He's a little fiend. He's a fiend for mojitos. Fiend for mojitos. Goddamn. It's going to be 4d8, I believe. Dang, dog, 4d8? 18. So you do 18 damage to him.

What does everybody else do? I cast Finger of Death. Okay, what is that? You send negative energy coursing through a creature that you can see within range, causing it searing pain. Target must make a constitution saving throw. Takes 7d8 plus 30 necrotic damage on a failed save. So he fails the save, but he's going to use one of his legendary resistances to make himself save. Fuck off. What a coward. So what happens on a successful save? You take half that damage. Okay, so go ahead and roll the damage and I will have it for you.

69. Nice. Nice. 69 damage was half? No, that would be full. Wow. Okay, so it's 35 damage. Normal and Taylor, your turns are left. You go and then I'll go. Taylor's going to draw his bow. No. Does Taylor have a ranged weapon? I feel like I do. You just said you were eating s'mores. You've always got your ninja stars. Okay.

Okay. Every time Taylor eats a graham cracker, he eats it in the shape of a sugar. Cast darkness. Stick. I use the marshmallow. Cast darkness.

Castometer, Gene. Taylor's gonna have the dads come. Taylor's gonna be like, realizes. The skewer. He sees on one hand a skewer with a little flaming marshmallow on it. And then over there, it's a strip of wood. And then over there, the shoelace. And Taylor's like, I've been waiting my whole life for this moment. And he expertly strings the bow, knocks the fucking arrow, draws it, and does sneak attack.

On to Willy from all the way over by the fire. Yeah. That's the most plausible thing about this. I'll give it to you. Why not? Here's why. Here's why. Because you didn't see you specifically because the fire is backlighting me, therefore hiding me from his sight. OK, things less the sneak attack than the creating a bow from three disparate things. Shut the fuck up, Matt.

11 plus 8. 19. That hits his armor class. And I do an extra 76 damage. 76? Sneak attack, dog. I know when we're not going to win a fight. 29. 29. That'd be totally sick. And that's on top of the normal damage. So 29 plus...

Five. 34 damage. It is done? And he's on fire, I bet. No, his armor's made of chocolate. No, because the fucking marshmallow is on fire. I technically get two attacks per action. Can I do my second attack? Yeah, go for it. Andy's so blasé about this because these numbers mean nothing because this is a cutscene. I'm going to grapple, which is if I make another grapple check. I'm just going to say that I held half my action for Taylor's thing, so I'm going to use...

the skewer that he shot. I'm going to try to pull it. I'm going to like grab him like around his neck, you know, like a spy. You're going to choke him with it. Choke him with it. Go ahead. 25. Okay. Well, that definitely works. So he is now grappled. Hell yeah. Normal seeing all of this go down is going to touch dude. And do we have the jar with us? Yes. I'm going to touch dude and the jar. Do we don't know how to use the jar yet? Do we? Not yet. What happens if I drink it? Yo, dog. You certainly can. Oh,

That seems risky. We're about to lose our eldritch horror friend. So here's what I'd like to do. I have a spell called Plane Shift. You and up to eight willing creatures who link hands in a circle are transported to a different plane of existence. So I was like, okay, great. I can touch dude and teleport dude away from Willy. But I'm like, where do I want to teleport them? I'm like, oh, to their home. And I'm wondering if there's any way I can vibe out what the secret to using the daddy magic is. If you get a natural 20 arcana.

That's an 11. Okay, so in that case, I'm going to grab Dude, and I'm going to try to teleport Dude back to Heaven, since we know Willy can't go to Heaven. Okay. And I say the gates of Heaven. Okay. Or I say Heaven. Interior Heaven Day. Is there anything? It just happens? In theory, it just happens. Is Willy touching? Yes. Okay, so... Oh, you're going to go to Heaven with Willy, dog? Well...

shooting from the hip here. Do it, dude. And then I guess Link is grappling Willy. Yeah. So I don't know what happens to Link. Link goes with you. Okay. Okay, so Link, Willy, Dude, and Normal all go to heaven. They find themselves at the gates of heaven at the end of the line, once again, with Jerry, the guy who pretends to be God. And Willy looks around in absolute wonderment of what's going on. And he goes...

I cannot thank you enough. Uh-oh. Oh, this is even better than I thought.

Back home, undo! And then he's going to... Control Z, Control Z, Control Z! I cast Control Z, Anthony. That would be a sick spell, by the way. Like an item that lets you just undo one thing. The last action that you took, that is a fun spell. Yeah, that'd be sick. Link wants to scream at one of the angels. Angels just kill all of us! Judge me! Judge me! Willy is going to cast Dimension Door on himself and Dude. And they are going to suddenly...

500 feet ahead of themselves beyond the gates of heaven. Willie is going to grab the gates of heaven with his arms and he goes, normal, thanks. This was all you. And he slams the gates of heaven closed and heaven goes dark. Our days whisked away but is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. You should tell myself it'll be okay.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪

Boom!

This is Esther, the editor, here with a special thanks for the patrons who contributed the many magic items to this episode. Ben Dent, Logan, Kada Demock, Ross McKay, and Natalie Boy. Thank you so much. Back to Freddy.

This podcast is directed and supported by our Patreon. And our Patreon has the names of people like Andrea Davidson, Emma Dalzell, Andrew J. Mendez, Bailey Minnie. I'm not going to get this one right. Epah, ClearSile, GoldenFourth, Daniel Joseph, Dakota Drown, Swagmaster420, Andrew Marrero, Daniel Rivas, Sarah Harris, Brian Whitfield, Vincent Phineas Warnock, Chris Howell, Dylan Esposito, Kennedy, Black Ice, Shelby Swanson,

This will be our last episode of 2023. We'll be coming back at you January 2nd with a live show and then back to season two, two weeks later, starting January 16th. I also want to let you know that there appears to be like...

some kind of merch emergency happening right now as the third party fulfillment company we have been using has like gotten belly up without warning. It's been a wild day for sure. Needless to say, it is a real surprise to us. So right now there's a lot of questions. What happens to orders that already went through? What happens to the inventory? We're pushing for answers. We'll be updating you all when we hear. The best way to keep up with updates is follow us on Twitter or follow our Patreon and we'll be letting you all know what's going on with the merch the moment we know.

If you have any specific questions, we're standing by at community at dungeonsanddaddies.com as well. So rest assured, we're either going to get you a refund or we're going to fulfill it ourselves. So stay tuned. It's a lot of stuff happening right now. It's been a crazy day for me. You can find our social media links at moredungeonsanddaddies.com. Happy holidays, everyone. And we'll see you next year. Thanks for listening. We gotta pick our shot today. No, not today. For tomorrow makes we can change. Not today. No, not today.

You know what's wild, by the way, is that that explains why elevators don't work. Because if the building inverted, if you think about it, stairs still work. Stairs still work. But elevator not work. Elevator not work. Elevator not work upside down. Why elevator not work? Elevator not work upside down, but stairs upside down work.