S2 Ep. 47 - Inside the Actor's Funeral
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Isn't it rich? Are we a joke? You with your mustache burnt off. Me bout to croak. Where are the clowns? Isn't it strange? Love we despise. One of us four chaparral.

114 hot Where are the clowns? There ought to be clowns Now I can see It was a scam Hating my father instead of just holding your hand Making my exit so tragic as all great actors do My final line I like you too

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. A podcast about Dungeons and Dragons, and specifically for kids, for teens, for young adults from our world. Let's be clear, this podcast is not specifically for teens. It's also not specifically about Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah. Boys, you want it? Fine, you do it.

Fine. Okay. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies. Not a BDSM podcast. It's a podcast. You get them, Will. We do every two weeks and we have fun here and we get to know each other and learn about each other and learn a little bit more about ourselves in the process. I'm pretty long. It's an interview podcast. Yeah. What's the show about? The show is about four teenagers who, through a series of unfortunate events,

I've been entrusted with fixing the world that their grandparents messed up back in season one of this same podcast, Dungeons and Dragons. Our podcast cast, Dungeons and Dragons, Will! No! Again, Will! Again! I tried so hard, I got so far. But in the end, it was a BDSM podcast. It was a BDSM podcast! My name's Freddie Wong, I play Taylor Swift.

The no longer ranger, rogue teen, gone rogue. The darkness casting. The darkness casting rogue teen. Taylor's a teen fact. Last episode, he faced down normal in the ring. It got me thinking about the octagon. Did that count as a face off? No blows were traded between normal and. You two are on the same team. There's no contest to that. But let's get here's the thing, though. Made me think about Taylor's first fight.

Ooh. Yeah. This actually goes into why he got into mall karate in the first place. Taylor got into a fight when he was like in the math here. Let's say like fourth grade. Okay. Because I buy it. Like he was kind of playing around with it. And what happened was he was getting bullied.

at school for his collectible card game, you know? Which was? Which was, let's see, we're talking about the future, so it's no longer magic. It's just the Disney 100 shit. Isn't that a thing that's happening with Disney right now? Locana? Locana. What is that? That's a Disney card game. It's Disney's Magic Academy. You briefly heard me talking about it just a moment ago. Dog. Yeah. He made eye contact with you while you were talking about it.

Yeah, apparently it was just do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do in your brain while Matt was talking. Yep. Yeah, so he was playing Lord Khan. He got bullied for it. The bully, Steve, took his shit. It's a real journey we're going on with this. Took his shit. Took his shit. And then his response was to kick Steve in the nards. Freddie, you're delivering this like the kid that has to stand up and give a book report on a book that he read. Oh, yes. Yeah. Real, we went to the moon in 1969 energy. Yeah.

Since the dawn of civilization, there have been fights. He kicked Steve in the nards, dude. Which caused, of course, parent-teacher conference, the whole thing. And then his whole thing was, he won the fight. And then he went to his mom and he was like, but I need to defeat him without marking him somehow. I must learn the arts of martial arts. So that's why he got into Christ, so that he could beat up kids better. Without getting in trouble. Without getting in trouble for it. Okay. Yep.

He wanted to learn about pressure points. Interesting. You remember pressure point discourse was so huge. Pressure points were such a huge part of my mind share growing up. Just thinking about like, you're telling me if I punch someone just right. I always get out of my school that would always, like after school, they'd pull out like a knife and be like, you know that any knife over two inches is illegal. This knife's illegal. You also know that

I'm so good at pressure points. I have to try to do them on you. I won't show you because if I tried to do them on you, it counts as a weapon and it's also illegal. Everything he saw would just be, it's illegal. This guy fucking rules. Yeah, every school has the kid that's like, did you know that my fists are technically weapons? And you're always like, should you be here? Shouldn't somebody say something about this? It's also one of those things, I don't know if it's true, but he'd always be like, you know, a noose.

is legally a weapon if it has 13 wraparounds on it that's such a specifically weird thing that can't be true because like one rapper like does that make the news more effective your honor was only 12 wraparounds so my client is responsible hey everybody my name is matthew arnold i play lincoln boss kicks uh lee wilson arnold nothing go ahead oh you know you said your name weird i said my name weird i'm sorry

Well, now it's sad. Yeah, I'll do mine weird again to make you feel better. Anyways, he's a schooled at home soccer kid who's become a spouse and friend and protective paladin to his classmates. Little fact about Lincoln. This is the worst time he's ever lied to his two beautiful parents is actually how he got into school finally.

They had a big fight. Lincoln wanted to finally go to school. He didn't want to be homeschooled anymore because he wanted to join the soccer team. Marco was kind of okay with it. Grant was a firm no. So Lincoln declared. A firm no to actual schooling. Yeah, Grant. Yeah. He's like, no, you're staying at homeschool. It's dangerous out there. Like, you got to stay home. So Lincoln decided because they were on there. This is a new part of the fact that I just thought of on the fly, just like Freddie was thinking his whole fact on the fly. Here's a little. Where's this shit coming from?

Guys, it's an improv podcast. You don't have to be mad about coming up with stuff. Their Monday night movie was Hunger. So he was like, you know what? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So you know what? Which Hunger? The Hunger Strike one. The Steve McQueen Hunger? The Steve McQueen. They watched Steve McQueen's Hunger. What? What? He's like, you know what? The whole McQueen movie month. It was Papillon the month before.

before. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. The month before. Different Steve McQueen. Yeah, it's a different Steve McQueen. Oh, I thought we were talking about the other Steve. I thought we were talking about Bullet Steve. Director Steve McQueen. Director Steve McQueen. Anyways, it was like, you know what? Hunger Strike sounds like a good idea. So he decided to go on a hunger strike until Grant agreed. But here was the lie. He was eating the whole time. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

He stayed outside and said, I'm not eating. But he had hidden a bunch of treats and snacks all throughout the yard. So he would walk around and look all skinny and look all sad. And then get behind a tree and go, Can I intercept this? Can I intercept this? This overlaps with one Taylor fact, which is one of the stashes had a bunch of really good Japanese snacks. You're like, I don't remember putting this stash out here. And then Cutto Taylor would be like, hey, where'd all my Pocky go?

Very good. Squirrels must have gotten to it. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normal, oak, perky, peppy, chipper, skipper, skipper.

Well, take a breath. Perky, peppy, chipper's cherry, skull spirit, mascot kid. You should let us touch your knees before the recording. Matt is obsessed with this concept. Just leave that in with no context. I'm nervous about this episode. It's going to be a lot of normal stuff. And Matt was like, I could make that energy weird by touching your knees. And I was like, please don't. And then I started to walk over with my hands out lasciviously. And then Will was the most scared I've ever heard him. I thought a fun thing to do for the normal fact this week would be to reveal

that every morning, Normal does a one-card tarot reading just to see what the energy going into the day is. So I have here a tarot deck and a book called The Complete Guide to the Tarot, which I just bought at a local bookstore. So we're going to do a little tarot reading for Normal. So you're just going to draw a card? One card, though. It's a one-card reading. We're just going to see how this goes. Orientation's important. All right. Fuck, I'm so jealous. I got the lovers. Oh!

Upside down. Reversed lovers. Let's read. How prophetic. Fake. I'm saying it's fake. He pulled that card on purpose. It is weird that right after Hermie died, I would draw the lovers, but I did just, you guys all saw it. I drew it randomly out of the deck. So the reversed lovers means quarrels, infidelity, dangers of a broken marriage. Oh no! Our marriage? Need to stabilize the emotions, possibility of a wrong choice.

Damn. And you pulled that as your character, right? Well, I don't want to worry about you. No, I'm good. I'm good to go. Should I do one for myself real quick? Yeah, but I mean, be careful. I'm just going to put the lovers back in the deck so that it is a true random. Right side up. Right side up. There you go. What do you mean right side up? Don't mess with the fucking. They're supposed to be because you can read it upside down or not. These are arcane energies that you are so casually dealing about. I got it.

I got another reverse card. This is an ill omen for me this episode. The Four of Wands. The upside down 12 foot dick. 12 foot hog. Oh, is it like one of those like minor arcana six of pentacles? Yeah, this is like a fucking, these are the trash cards. The trash tier cards. Hey, hey, tarot deck makers, idiots. Hey, fucking here's a free idea for you. All banger cards.

Like, yeah, okay, cool. The priestess fucking sick. Oh, here we go. Here we go. The pentacles? Who cares? Replace that with, like, the mysterious cat. Here we go. Four of wands. Bouquets of flowers are held high by blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Divinatory meaning. Upside down. Upside down. Hold on. Perfected work. Rest after labor. Peace, prosperity, harmony, romance, a coming marriage.

reversed, though the meaning remains the same, there will not quite be the same fullness of peace, prosperity, and success. It's going to be a mid-episode, y'all. I can't wait. I think actually for a marriage to be legal, it all has to be a coming marriage. That's pretty good. Thank you. Hi, my name is Bath May. I did it, Matt. I did it for you. He sounds stupid, just like me.

Your words, not mine. I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who's not like the other warlocks. She doesn't want to care anymore. Fun fact about Scary, and maybe a precursor to a forthcoming album, Scary actually plays the piano. Now it might sound

seem like a little like a soft instrument for a hardcore goth girl you know it's not exactly the bass guitar or anything like that but you know it's played on a piano at the beginning of welcome to the black parade yeah that's that's very fair and it's also the fact that if you you rearrange the letters it's pain oh so that's why that's why she chose to play the piano i'm anthony birch i'm your dad i

My dead fact for today is that we haven't done a lot of good work for our vendors and the sponsors of this show. We haven't thrown to the sponsors very often. And I'm going to see if I can try to find like an elegant way during this episode. Oh, like to just kind of like kick it over. Just throw it to the fine products and services that are offered by the people that make this podcast possible. Oh,

What about now let's go to the money zone? Oh, okay. I'm really nervous about what Anthony's going to do. Or it's like, oh no, we're in peril. Somebody better help. The problem is these are all funnier than what I was planning on doing. So you know what? I'm not going to do it anymore. No, fuck you. Damage is done.

Okay, so when we last left you, you escaped hell, ending up in the FBI headquarters. But at what cost? At the cost of leaving behind all the dads except for Larkin Sparrow. And also in the fracas in the melee where the army was shooting, trying to start a war in hell. Hermie the Unworthy was fatally wounded and normal Oak died.

swallows, Garcia, was knocked out. So was not actually conscious when Hermie kicked the bucket, as it were. Is Hermie's body with us? Hermie's body is with you. Am I still unconscious? What's going on? Have I regained consciousness? So I don't believe anybody's tried to heal or stabilize you. So I believe you are still unconscious. Does anybody have anything that will hit him with that death? You can just roll a medical just out of character. I feel like Lincoln says, should we just like hide Hermie's body and not let normal know what happened? Hermie had to go home.

Don't touch him. Don't touch him. Yes. If anybody would like to roll a medicine check, stabilize normal link runs over to normal and trips and punches him in the nuts. Cause he rolled a two. Oh God. Normal. Okay. I got this. I got this. I know everything. And it comes about stabilizing a patient. Taylor rolls a natural one. So he trips over a link and then punches the hole in the other nut. All right. So now normal has two death fails. Oh,

One more death fail and normal is dead. Okay, okay. I'm going to... Wait, wait, this is... Hold on, slow down, slow down. I'm laughing too hard. I'm laughing too hard. Oh, now you care. Oh, now we're suddenly being thoughtful about our actions. I know those are the rules. Okay, in case normal dies, I need to get serious. Okay, go Beth, what were you going to say? Well, I was going to roll a medicine check, but now I'm so afraid. No pressure, guys. I have inspiration because I said something funny last episode. Oh. I mean, I... No, you're always funny, Scary. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, yeah, right?

Yes. What did I say? You did. Okay. I made a Ronald Reagan joke. Okay. Yes. I'm going to use my inspiration on this medicine roll. From your Ronald Reagan joke. You don't have to use it until you've already rolled it once if you don't want to. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. You could just be cool. Ronald Reagan. I don't remember. Okay, so that's an 11. So I'm going to- That's enough. That's enough. That's enough? It just needed to be over a 10. Okay. Normal is very barely stabilized.

Did we make it? Yeah. What happened? Hey, normal. Yeah, we're out of hell. Your dad's so much. I'm not in the ring anymore. Who won? Did I win? Now there's someone else. An alarm starts blaring and Larkin Sparrow try to grab you under your shoulders. We have to go. Got to go now. Kids, we're going. All right. All right. Let's go. Where's Hermie? Well, because we got to go and we can't just leave him there. Where is he? What happened?

Um, I look around. I got a three in the fracas. You don't manage to see Hermes body. How are the rest of the employees? We convinced them that we were temps, so they're fine. But the alarm is going off. Yeah, an alarm is going off because there has been an incursion in the FBI and they have automatic security measures in place for such an event. Like one guy's cubicle, just like suddenly a bunch of rolling shutters come down and it's just like a pretty much while somebody gets up to go turn off the alarm because it's just temps after all.

Lark and Sparrow are like, normal, we have to go. Okay, but we can't go without everybody. Where's Hermie? Wait, let him say goodbye. What do you mean? You don't have time for this. I step aside so that normal can see Hermie. And I go, what? He got shot, man. There's a gunfight when you're passed out. Oh, no. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, let's go. Let's get him. Let's go. We'll fix it. Come on. We

We can't fix it, man. What do you mean? What do you mean? We can't fix it. Come on, let's go. Okay, okay. Normal goes to grab Hermie and pick him up. Link just goes with Normal also and just helps him and picks up the body also. Okay. Like, grabs the feet. You can already feel his body growing stiff from rigor mortis. Oh, man. Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck. He's lighter than he should be. Wait, wait, wait. It's okay, Normal. We'll get him out of here. Is it exactly how many grams lighter than he should be? Yes. Thank you. Normal is going to cast. Normal's freaking out right now, but he does have the presence of mind to cast. Hold on. Where is it?

This marriage has one less spouse, but heaven's gone. We're all widows. It's a good question. We're all widows. What a unique experience that like we can be widows in the same marriage. It is so clear. You did not like this kid. That's why I'm saying. And now I was looking because I really wanted to say that, but I was like, no.

Normals just grabs him and I guess we just run, right? Yeah, let's just get him out of here. It's all right. We'll fix it. We'll fix it. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. Let's go. We'll fix him. Lark and Sparrow run ahead of you looking for the vehicle dock bays. What did you call them? Garages? Garages.

That's not what I would call them. Vehicle dock bay. That's fine. That is cooler. Vehicle docking bay. That's like a level in Metal Gear Solid. Look at your vehicle dock bay. Do I literally have a Reddit to the Metal Gear Solid subreddit link open on my computer right now? Maybe. I do. So yeah, you run to the vehicle dock bays and you find Humvee. Wow. Lark and Sparrow are going to try to break into it while some guards are going to question why you're here because you convince all the people in the office that you were Temps, but they're

But there are guards barring the closed garage door out of the building that wants to know why you're here. One of them puts his hand up and says, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This Humvee needs an oil change. And Jiffy Lube is closing in like 20 minutes. So we got to get it in. What are the temps here to oil change it? Got to get sent to the oil change. Okay, roll deception with disadvantage. Because they were carrying a... Because you're carrying a corpse with you. Two plus 11, 13. Not good enough. The guards draw their guns.

into their shoulder mounted radios. They say, Hey, we, we, we have a code six at the garage bay door, dock truck, dock bay, normal casts command. You speak a one word command to a creature. You can see they have to make a wisdom saving throw. Okay. So I just say, leave. They get a two. So they are going to go.

All right. And very quickly, they're back straightened and they find themselves opening the garage door and walking out just into the night. But then over the radio, they're like, hey, it was kind of not chill. So we're going to peace out. But anyway, those guys are like there. No, the radios are like, wait, what was that? Well, you said something important, but you cut yourself off. Hey, what's what's going on? Hey, we're setting back up. We got to move. Yeah. Lin wants to run to the Humvee. Load them up. I'll get on the technical. Do any of you guys know how to pick locks? Here, I cast Eldritch Blast into one of the doors. Yeah. Oh, cool. Go ahead and roll damage for it.

You blast the driver's side window inwards and Lark goes, okay, good enough. And reaches inside and unlocks the door from the inside. Anthony, can you roll a D4 for me? Sure. A four. Okay, so this Humvee has an M240 7.62 mounted machine gun, which Taylor hops on. Okay. What would have happened if I rolled a one? That would be the Mark 19 Mod 3 automatic grenade launcher. Okay. That's fair. Can you roll if there's ammo in there? Yeah, roll, roll, roll. Okay.

I love this competitive team. Roll perception to see if there's ammo, ding dong. Perception. Let me just take a look under 14.

Yeah, there's ammo. There's ammo. Taylor cracks them and cracks them. It's like, hit it. Let's get out of here. Lark and Sparrow are going to start hot wiring the car together. They're not even talking. They're just dexterously, their hands are moving almost as one unit, one being ripping the plastic off of the steering column and putting wires together and doing all kinds of cool stuff. Behind you, the doors pop open and a group of guards with body armor and machine guns sort of come out and they aim their guns at you. Well...

Taylor from his mounted position, like in Terminator two, there's like, well, time to sweep them. And he pulls the trigger and goes to the right. Okay. Go ahead and give me an attack. Roll range attack. Roll for that.

Let's say with disadvantage because it's so big in comparison to you that your entire body is like... But it's mounted, though. Oh, it is mounted. You're right. Can anybody just shoot that thing? I mean, you know, like, you know. You'll probably have to push Taylor out of the way because it sounds like he's married to her. We gotta go into training. Now it's my turn. I'm having this cutscene.

Natural one. Natural one? Natural one plus eight, nine. The gun explodes in your hand, doing 2d12 damage to you and knocking you prone in the flatbed of the Humvee. I forgot to take the barrel plug out. Oh, God. I eat.

13 damage. That's probably not so bad, right? How much do you have left? I have 75 left. Yeah, just be happy you're not in hell. Yeah. If anybody would like to do something to stop the guards, some of them are aiming at you with rifles and a couple of them are heading towards another Humvee. Scary's going to say, everybody cover your ears. Oh, but I guess...

That means the bad guys can do it too. Well, no, but you're telling it to everyone in the car. Yeah, just whispering in the car. Yeah, that's fine. I cast Thunderclap. You create a burst of thunderous sound that can be heard up to 100 feet away. Each creature within Rage must succeed on a constitution saving throw or take 1d6 thunder damage. Wait, what level am I? 14. So that's actually 3d6. Wow.

Wow. Okay. I'm just going to say for expediency's sake that there are five soldiers. Four of them failed their constitution saving throw. So they take eight damage and they are deafened temporarily. And they sort of stop and shudder and put their hands to their heads in pain. Do we have to do a saving throw or anything? Because we're in the car. I mean, like, I know we closed our, like, maybe like an advantage saving throw or something like that. Yeah. Since she told you to close your ears, go ahead and give me an advantage saving throw. What should we roll? Constitution. Now here's the question. 19. The gun just blew up in my hands.

I feel like I'm sitting there like Three King style going like, and I'm like, and so I don't hear anything. No, I think it can still hit you. Okay. Five plus three, eight. Nope. You take eight Thunderclap damage. I got an 11. That means you do not take the damage. How much damage is it? Eight.

Can Lincoln look for, I'm assuming in the back of the zombie where he's lying with normal and Hermes body. And I guess it's scary. Also, is there like any grenades or anything in the back here? Armament roll investigation or perception to see if you can find something. 15, 15. If you could get one of the things that you just described, what would you like? I don't want like one of those boxes that have like those eight cartons, but instead of eggs, there's a bunch of grenades. Okay, great. Yeah. You find it. Is that heavy? Uh,

I mean, it's kind of heavy. If it's expensive, put it back. Wow. Oh, my God. Will, you've been waiting to hear that one. Inspiration to William. Normal didn't say that. Normal's too in shock. It doesn't matter. William has inspiration. He can give it to Normal. Is the back of the Humvee exposed? Yes. It's like a pickup truck kind of thing where there's an enclosed. Generally, no, though. The passenger compartment is usually closed up. Yeah, but the back has a machine gun on it. Yeah, you're going through a little hole in

the top. Oh, okay. I guess you could say it's like a jeep style. Okay, yeah. Lincoln's going to pull one of the grenades. Okay, so you get six grenades. You get a little... I want to pull the pin off of one of them and then throw the whole box over. Okay, cool. Just like a full-time killer! Full-time killer, baby!

baby. All right. Roll. I could justify just the time to pull one pin. Yeah, that's fine. That makes perfect sense. Do you want me to roll the dexterity? I'm trying to think of what would make the most sense for hurling a thing. And it feels like athletics. Athletics makes strong. Yeah. Okay. In which case I'm saying

I'll do it from there. That was a 15. A 15? Okay, great. So you managed to hurl. I get plus seven acrobatics, so. Cool. A 14, 14. 14, oh, well then. We die. Yeah. With a 14, you managed to throw the grenades pretty much in the dead center of the group.

They go off, exploding outward and covering the entire interior of the garage in shrapnel and mess. So you're going to have to make a saving throw to duck and not get hit by the shrapnel because there is a lip of the flatbed of the Humvee, I think, that you could conceivably duck under. And everybody else is already either Knox prone or inside the Humvee itself. I got to test you.

Okay. Some of the shrapnel is going to hit you as well. You can go ahead and take 3d 12 of damage. Whoa. It was a lot of grenades. Yeah. Yeah. If I take that much damage, can I say that like one of the shop does like a cool, like right over my eyebrow? Yeah, sure. You know, cool scar, you know,

Yeah. Yeah, another thing that occupied my teenage boy mind. How can I get a cool scar over my eye? No, I rolled straight threes. I know it doesn't matter, but it just looks cool to roll three threes. Wow. Okay, so you take nine damage. That's not so bad. And I got a cool scar. And you got a cool scar. Not yet. It's bleeding now. The FBI agent's taking... It'll be a scar later. Oh, God.

Each take 37 damage. So they are in not a good space to continue following you. The guy who was about to get into the truck gets blasted across the room and his back hits the interior wall of the garage and you hear a loud crack and he falls over. Lincoln stares at yet more blood he has created and just slowly drops back down into the back of the Humvee. And dude puts a hand on your shoulder and says, it's okay. Yeah, it's good to do.

Lark Sparrow, just hurry up. Are you guys done yet? They got the manual out. They're like, okay, well, according to this. So you hear the shock of two wires hitting each other and then suddenly the engine turns over. Normal is not paying any attention to any of this and he just scrambles into the front seat and starts rifling through the, is there like one of those little change doors? Yeah. I'm looking for pennies. Go ahead and roll investigation or perception to see how many pennies you can find.

God damn it. It's a natural one. What the fuck? They don't make pennies anymore. You find a negative penny. I need to...

I need two pennies. I need pennies. Does anyone have two pennies? I need two pennies. Why, they haven't made pennies in over a hundred years. Shit, fuck. Okay, okay, okay. Is there any, like, copper? Does anyone have coins? I need just something. I need, just please. Copper in the wires? Copper is going to be in the, probably in the tips of the bullets. So the gun may have jammed, but the ammunition probably has copper. What about here in CRE1?

wipes like a tissue or something on Link's head. Like, what about like blood, like copper? Great, great, great, great, great, great. And then so I grabbed the tissue. Oh, I thought you meant you sneezed into a tissue and wiped it on Link's head. It's like, why is Gary bullying Link right now? Oh, you know what? And I also wipe some sweat off of Lark's head. And then I take my components back to Hermes' body. I rip that tissue in half and place it over his eyes. And then I dab his forehead with the sweat and I cast Gentle Repose. What does that do?

So you touch a corpse or other remains for the duration the target is protected from decay and can't become undead.

The spell also effectively extends the time limit on raising the target from the dead since days spent under the influence of this spell don't count against the time limit of a spell such as Raise Dead. The components that it calls for are a pinch of salt and one copper piece placed on each of the corpse's eyes, which must remain there for the duration. And how soon do you have to do it? Just whenever you can. It doesn't say. It's unspecific, but... Give me a d20 roll with disadvantage because it's not actually two copper pennies. Please work, please work, please work, please work.

All right, I got, uh, ooh, this is not good. I got two 10s. That's not going to do it. Fuck. Fuck. Just hurry, just hurry, just hurry. Go, go, go, go, go. Lark puts his pedal to the metal and the car lurches forward, smashes through the barricade that's blocking the exit to the garage, and you are now heading away from the FBI. When you look behind you, it doesn't look like anybody's following you because they're still dealing with the aftermath of the grenades that you threw. Now you basically can choose where you would like to go. The last thing that you remember regarding Henry, at least. Great Harrison Ford movie.

If I could give you double advantage, I would. Is that he is somewhere in San Dimas. You don't know where he is, but it's possible Lark and Sparrow do. Or you can go to anybody else's home if you want to. I mean, normally you need copper. It's too late for that. My grandpa, he can probably remember. He's really he's magic. He knows what he's doing. Let's just take him there. OK, and I stick my head back into the front. See, I'm like, we got to go find Grandpa Henry. OK, yeah, no problem. That's good. I can fix this, right?

Sparrow says, sure he can. And Lark says, just get your head down in case they start shooting. I get my head down. Lark looks over at Sparrow and is just like, and Sparrow looks at Lark and he's like, I'm going to do a sense motive to see if I can, or an insight, I guess. Yeah. We see sense motive. That's like 3.5. That was a lot of systems ago. I got another natural one. Wow. What? So you fully. It's okay, guys. It's okay. It's okay. He's fine. It's okay. My grandpa Henry, he's going to fix him. It's going to be fine. Hey, do you guys know where this grandpa Henry is? Lark says, yeah,

Yeah, I've got a pretty good idea. Hold on. And he like turns the car hard for 90 degrees and starts heading back towards San Dimas. And what's this world look like now? It's been a bit since we've gone back home.

back home. It's been a bit. Is it daytime or nighttime out? It is nighttime out right now. So you can see dark. It's dark, first of all, but you can see fires burning all around the city. It looks like there's been a lot of chaos since you've last been around. The doodler eyes people have still been running wild. Willie's been basically on a post since you've been here. So you see a lot of campaign posters for like vote Willie. So important to vote in local elections. Yeah. Vote Willie. He's he's our man, which doesn't even make sense because he's not running for office. He

He was a write-in. That's what the posters say. They're very confusing. Just like Willy. Willy's cool, right? Say the posters. You see a lot of corpses. You see a lot of do the right people wandering the streets, kind of like zombies. And eventually the chaos of the city gives way to the peaceful, quiet of nature as you drive towards the forest outside San Dimas and you reach a tree that looks like any other tree. Nothing seemingly special about it. But Lark says he's here. Are you guys ready to see him?

Yeah. Do you want to do anything first? You want to rest? I'm going to cast non-detection on dude so that nobody can see that dude is there. What does non-detection do? You hide a target that you touch from divination magic. Oh, cool. So you see if there's any good Indian bakeries around. Yeah. Wow. Wow. He's on it today, Jen. Ladies and gentlemen. The target can't be targeted by any divination magic or perceived through magical scrying sensors. Yes.

So hopefully fuck Willy. So Willy cannot see him, though he is aware at least, a lot of people are aware seemingly that you have one place left to go, presuming they can track the places you've been to before. Normal is holding Hermes and he's like, okay, Hermes, I'm going to take you in now, okay? We're going to just hang on, okay? Help me out, Kayla, help me with it. Okay, I got it. Hermes' rigor mortis body is growing lighter and lighter in your arms by the second. His limbs move stiffly as you attempt to walk in towards the tree that Larkin Sparrow pointed out.

And the only thing keeping you together is the absolute ignorance you have of the fact that maybe the only person who ever showed you any real affection in the last couple of years of your life is dead. And the fact that you don't know that is all that keeps you going. But the only thing that keeps me going is a lot of the products and services offered by some of our wonderful sponsors, which you should listen to right now. So we'll be right after that. Oh my God! Oh my God!

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. Okay. So, Larkin Sparrow... Speechless. Holy shit. I forgot about it. Yeah, I had a feeling you would. Larkin Sparrow knock on the tree in a very specific way. Can you do it for us?

I knew it. I fucking knew it. Uh, and they did it with their dicks. Yeah. Yeah. They have to push their mushroom powers and they touch tips and they knock on the door like that. Um, uh,

A knot in the tree begins to become an opening and the opening gets larger and larger, stretching the size of the tree outwards and outwards and outwards until it becomes a pathway that you can step through. And you can sense that on the other side of this is another area, is another plane of existence. One that you are familiar with, but it is not this plane. It's not Sandimus, the place you grew up. A portal. It is probably going to take you back to the old earth where the doodler recently ran...

everything such an opportunity to have that tree open up and there's a red book inside with a single page outside of it and when you put it in it goes it is what i don't get the misreference just for me and just for just for real heads the channel would dog my brain is still spinning from them yeah

Uncle Art, Dad, where are we? We're going to where Grandpa Henry set up shop. We had an argument and he decided to leave and this is where he went. Okay. Should we, like, I don't know, not suggesting anything, but should we, like, bring some weapons or something? How dangerous is it? I mean, but we're fine. We're fine. It's my plan. We can trust my grandpa. Let's go. Let's just get in before the door closes. I don't want to see that happen again when they open it.

Someone have a wrench. I'm trying to unscrew this mounted M2497. No time to. Come on. It's broken. It's irrevocably broken with your natural one. Oh, fine. Just real quick, so I understand in terms of context, how old were the kids when Code Purple happened? Was it before they were born or was it? It was after they were born. Okay. But we don't remember Code Purple because we don't remember the sky before the sky, right?

Right. Because they did a thing when Code Purple happened that took everybody's memories of Code Purple happening at all. That's right. Okay. Yeah. The timeline was so screwy for me. In theory, we would have grown up before Code Purple at least a little bit, but we forgot that. But you forgot everything. Got it. Okay. Normal walks into the tree portal with Hermie. You find yourself falling upward to a familiar plane, the plane where... Somebody say something? I said jumping. That's what jumping is.

Man, it really makes you think. And you wind up where the sidewalk ends. Thank you. So you find yourself falling upward and when you land... Head first. Yeah, you take 5d6 damage.

No, no, no. Taylor, of course, expertly twists midair and lands on his feet. Yeah, in blade pose, I'm assuming. So you land back in the realm known as Old Earth, the realm that your parents, but not you, grew up in before the doodler went all fuzzy and everything went code purpley and you transposed yourselves onto Faerun. So you grew up in Faerun. This is Earth. You're back on Earth.

This is like where Papa John's was and everything. This is where Papa John's was. This is where the doodler's sky butt was before you made the doodler go into the form of a T-H. But we've got the sun with us now, so we could probably, we should figure out how to put that back. You do have the sun with you. You look around and you see worn down people of every species, shape, and size, all taking shelter from the cold under identical leaves of identical trees. A man with a white beard down to his ankles sits in the town square muttering to himself, playing with a bracelet on his wrist. Ooh.

Yo, it feels like we just walked into an adventure game, dog. Yeah. Is your grandpa Santa? No, I don't. That's not my grandpa. No, I don't. And Santa Claus isn't real, Nick. I mean, Link. Whoa, hold on. Okay. What? I'm going to look around to see if I can see Henry because I've never been here before, right? Sure. Yeah. All right. I got a four. So with a four, you don't see Henry, but the man with the white beard sees you and he goes, Oh,

Oh, things are about to get spicy. Oh, Henry. Henry. Who the fuck is that? Who's that? And as he says that, a figure appears from a hut that is one of many huts within this copse of trees. What does Henry look like at this point in his life? Henry looks surprisingly young.

Due to a healthy vegan lifestyle and due to lots of butthole sunning and due to no exposure to UV radiation for the last however many years. Yeah, but he's got his own ways of dealing with that. Well, he goes back to Earth to sun his butthole, but just a butthole. So his butthole is aged.

but the rest of it. I was really hoping we weren't going to get into a whole bunch of butthole discourse this episode. You brought it up! Two Birkenstocked feet emerge from the hut followed by exposed pasty white legs and a pair of hiking shorts and a belt buckle with a peace symbol on it and just an old ratty t-shirt. But this guy though

Wow. Okay. That's not bad. So he looks 60.

Shut up. He emerges from the hut and he says, what do you want, dad? He goes, your kids are here. Your kids are here. What? And your kids' kids are here. Somebody's got to talk to the kids and the kids' kids. And Larkin Sparrow wave at you and they say, hi, dad. Hi, dad. Hi.

Come in. So they walk towards your hut. We want to sit down. Can we sit down? Yeah. What are you doing here? What's it look like inside real quick? Inside the hut. I'm assuming just a lot of like sex furniture. When you look at it, you're like, I don't know what I'm looking at. What is it? There's a swing. It's a standard fantasy hut with a juicer in it. You know what I mean? He's got like...

That's what they call it. This is the juicer and this is the juice. This is where I make the juice. And he's got a Vitamix. There's a jar with Mercedes Garcia's ashes in it next to a photo of her. And he's got a couple books and he just lives a simple, humble life in this place. Peloton, yes or no?

No Peloton, no. Henry's favorite method of bicycling is just kicking his legs out in the air. Just when he's sunning his butt. What about the Apple Vision Pro just gathering dust in the corner? He's like, come here. Actually, can we? Let's. Sure. Okay. Yeah. So Larkin Sparrow usher all the kids inside as well. Henry sees normal and normal sees Henry. He looks up at his grandpa and he's like,

Grandpa Henry, I know it's been a while, but you got to help my friend. Henry like looks to Larkin Sparrow being like, what the fuck is this? Like, what is happening right now? Larkin Sparrow look at you and they say, a friend of ours, something happened to him. And we were wondering if you could bring him back. Oh, yeah.

Okay, um, okay. Hey, normal. Hey, buddy. How's it going? I haven't seen you in so long. Yeah, I know. I'm okay. I'm okay. We can catch up later, Grandpa. I just, I miss you a lot. But, um, my friend Hermie, he's really hurt, okay? And you gotta help him. Okay, kid, let me, um, let me see what I can do. Can you go wait outside? No, man. Just do it. Yeah, we need copper or something. I don't know. Just do your magic.

Okay, let me... Yeah, they've got pennies in this world, right? Oh, you guys were... You guys trying to... Well... Or Moscow mules. Moscow... What? No. This is a straight edge community, young man. Oh, okay. Yeah, Henry has X's on his hands. Okay, slow down. Why don't you guys start by telling me what happened? He got shot. Henry's going to do like an arcana on Hermie. Okay. He's just trying to like understand what Hermie is. So I know Hermie's got like kind of an unusual backstory vis-a-vis his creation. Yes. Arcana's great. All right.

All right, I got three. So with a three, you can tell that this kid is not a normal kid and the rules of bringing him back do not apply. If your arcana roll had been better, there might be a way to salvage what remains of his life. But as it stands, he is a creature made of goof matter. You're just looking at a corpse that nothing can be done for. Normal, I'm so sorry, kiddo. There's nothing I can do for this kid.

I can't help your friend. Normal just closed his eyes. I, no, I don't accept that. I don't accept that. You can fix him. You're this, you're, you're, you're old. You can fix him. Normal. I think he's gone, man. I'm so sorry.

This is bullshit. I'm sorry, guys. I just, I'm really mad right now, okay? No, I know, I know, yeah. Sparrow says, it's okay to be mad. I understand. Well, I don't fucking care what you think, Dad. I really don't. I genuinely don't. We can, it's just, no. Mark puts a hand on Sparrow's chest to be like, maybe step back from this. Look, if you guys can't help me, if you guys can't fix this, then I'll freaking do it myself, okay? And Normal just grabs Harmy and starts dragging him out of the hut. Wow.

Scary steps in his way. Scary, get out of the way. Either help me or get out of the way. I'm not going to leave, man. Okay. Fine. Do your worst. Do whatever you want. Okay. Okay. I will. I'm going to do something. It's pretty stupid, but I'm going to do it. Go ahead. If none of you guys can help him, if none of you guys understand how this works, then we gotta

Go to the one guy who can. And I cast Plane Shift. Link is still holding onto the legs. Okay. You and eight willing creatures who link hands in a circle are transported to a different plane of existence. You can specify a target destination in general terms, and you will appear in or near that area. And then the GM has discretion as to where specifically. So Normal wants to bring Hermie to Scam Likely. Okay. In the goof realm.

So who's going to join hands to be a part of this? Well, I'm holding on to, I'm just still hoping I'm just holding onto the legs. Okay. Hermie was there for us every single step of the way and he backed our play. And even when we forgot about him, he was there. And so we owe him what we owe him everything right now. We owe it to try to help him. And if you guys don't want to come, you don't have to, but I'm going, I'm with you. I'm holding his. Yeah. We'll do what we need to do. So where are you going to Taylor and scary, but what are you doing? We're taking them to scam. Likely.

I just don't think this is going to work, man. Okay, fine. I cast a spell. The planes shift around you and you find yourself... You've done a lot of plane traveling before, but this is the one that nauseates you the most. Nothing is more offensive to the body than plane shifting through a spell. It's like you're feeling your insides get turned outside and then back inside again. You're hot and cold at the same time. You're getting nauseous in ways that you didn't think you'd get nauseous before. And when you come to, you find yourself in the Simpsons living room. And you hear a voice say...

I'm here when it's sad. I'm here when it's fun. Did somebody do something to my son? And Scam shows up and he sees... Can't hate this guy. What happened to Hermie? He goes, what happened? He got killed. He got shot. We need you to help him. And he's going to roll for something.

Okay, so he tries to hide the fact that he is actually emotionally affected by this, but he only got a six. So you can see that he is genuinely upset at the fact that something happened to this child. He goes, I didn't.

I didn't even think of him as something that could die. I thought he was just a goof. Goose never die. That's like, you know, all jokes are always funny forever. Mr. Likely, look, you're our only hope. He's my best friend in the whole world. You've got to help him. He's your son. There's got to be something you can do. You created him, right? I did. I did. But I don't know if I can bring him back from the undiscovered country, as it were.

but where is he is he in hell is he in heaven i don't know he doesn't have a soul he's not like you or me well not like you but i can try something okay okay please just please hurry i'll do my best and i'm sorry in advance for this you forgive me for whatever is about to happen i'm gonna try i'm truly gonna try i look at link uh yeah yeah look if yes if it'll help whatever you're gonna try to do i'm truly going to try i'm truly trying

That's not funny. It didn't work. What did you do? What was that? That was me farting. I tried to fart so hard that he would come back to life because it would be funny. But I just farted. And my son is gone.

I'm so sorry. I didn't think it would happen like this. I didn't think that he would actually develop a personality. He was just supposed to be a goof machine. No one was supposed to be sad if something happened to him. You fix this right now. I can't. I don't know what else to do. You made him. So like you have to fix him. That's why you created him. That's your dad. So like that's your job. I can make you another one. No. I don't want another one. I want this one. I punch him in the face. He takes it like a champ.

your fist impacts into his face and it's like you hit punched a marshmallow his face just like deforms a little bit but then slowly starts going back to the form it was in and he goes that's fair I deserve that oh my god I just there's nothing I could do I'm so sorry it's like you can't put a glass back together after it's broken not the same way I can bring it back you could be like fucked up and stuff I don't think you would enjoy that no just you've done enough you know he wanted to kill you I know well do you have anything to say about that

I think he deserves to get his wish. Frankly, I think it was pretty bad. I can't deal with another adult who thinks they deserve to die. Let's get out of here. Should we stay here with him, though? Like, should Hermie stay here? No. I know. Hermie hated this guy. Yeah. I could give him a proper burial. You don't fucking come near him. Fair enough. Thanks for nothing, asshole. Let's go home. Okay. Once again, you feel your insides become your outsides become your insides and you lurch back into Henry's hut.

With the corpse still with you. How much time is past? Just the same amount of time there. I would say it's been about 20 minutes for you in the past. So we come back 20 minutes earlier. Yeah. And you have to hide. Timey wimey. So I assume in the 20 minute interim, like Larkin, what's been going on for Larkin Sparrow explained everything that happened off screen to Henry. So Henry is now abreast of what is going on.

Henry knows that you're looking for daddy magic to send dude back to their own dimension. Dude has introduced themselves to Henry. How do you think Henry reacted to knowing that dude is now in the form of this? Just to play that moment out, when Henry realizes what dude is, Henry goes just even paler than his pasty white skin normally is. Like, he's like, you, that's, that's the, that's the doodler? And you're, you're here? Yeah.

Yeah, and sometimes she's kind of a bad girl. I mean, they're kind of a bad girl. What do you mean a bad girl? Sometimes a bad girl. I'm a bad girl. Okay, okay. Sometimes people fuck with my friends and I fuck with them back. Henry is going to do an insight check on the doodler. I got another bad roll because that's all that I can get today.

So I got an eight. So with an eight, you cannot tell what the doodler's true intentions are. Okay, well, it's fair. I'm glad you're not a big scary ball in the sky now, young person. Why don't we sit down here and, you know, maybe some... Well, just let's just... Okay, let me see. Would you like some tea? And Henry, whose hands are trembling, goes to pour tea for the doodler. The dude goes, you feel like home for some reason. Oh!

Wow, what a nice thing to say. Oh, let's get you some chamomile. How about that? Okay. I'm going to roll insight on Henry. Okay. That's a six. No idea. No idea what he's putting out there. What we do see is like his hands shaking and stuff, right? Yeah. You hear the saucer clinking against the cup. Scary.

This guy seems pretty scared of dude. Yeah, I don't think we should drink anything that thinks. Yeah, he's been steeping that shakily for the last 20 minutes. It's going to be bitter as hell. So Normal and Link come back with Hermes' body. What happened? There's nothing we can do. He's gone. Yeah. Normal, there's something. He said something to you, but you couldn't hear it. Okay. Okay.

He said he really liked you. You know, like you liked him. So... Okay. That's a little late for that, I guess. But he wanted you to know that. Okay. Okay. Well, I know. Now I know. Um...

All right, so I need a second, guys. What do we do now? What do we do? Do we need to... How do you bury someone? I don't know how you do that. I've never had to deal with that before. Should we call a funeral home? What do we do? I can't look at him, so just somebody tell me. Somebody else figure it out, okay? I'm just going to put a blanket over him like this. And then... I'm just going to walk the body out if Norma will let it go. Yeah.

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Henry and Larkin Sparrow probably have the ability to do like ground earth entanglement magic to like give them a sort of magical burial without if you don't want to, you know, have the whole scene of digging a grave and stuff. I think we should. I think I don't want him to just disappear. I think we should bury him someplace nice. I think that would be that would be best. Yeah. Yeah, that's what we'll do.

You look around and this world has not been in a very good spot for a very long time. So places that are nice are going to be kind of hard to come by. But in this grove, everything looks, you know, pretty much identically beautiful. All the trees look exactly the same. You could pick one. Well, fuck, we can make it look nice. I mean, like we could we could get that one. OK. Normal points to a tree. It's like the one.

Kind of fucked up tree. It's been struck by lightning. So like half of it is burned. Like two face. Yeah. You know? Yeah. No shit. No shit. You know, it's, it's kind of dark, but you know, he was kind of like that. So yeah, I think this is as good a spot as any. We can't keep hearing him around. We got stuff to do. Yeah. Henry just watching his grandson just fucking go through it. Puts a hand on his shoulder.

And he says, I'm really proud of you, kiddo. Thanks, Grandpa. Excited to hear that. You did everything you could, and that's all we can do. Here, why don't you sit down and rest? We'll get everything ready, and then you can say some words. And this is one of the hardest things you can go through. I remember when your grandma died, and that was, you know,

And it tore me in two. And we're never ready for it. You know, we're never ready when it happens to someone we love, whether it's sudden or whether it's a long time coming. Just I'm so sorry, kiddo. Henry gives him a big hug and kisses him on the forehead. I feel like as far as arrangements go, you know, Henry uses mold earth to like dig the earth pretty quickly. He gathers some flowers from the woods if any of the kids want to

Find like, you know, he points out some super dark orchids growing to scary, you know, just clocking her goth vibe that that might be something that she would want. Yeah, whatever you point out or whatever you say, Link just kind of quietly just does whatever you're saying for him to do. Larkin Sparrow do it as well, not having been asked, but just wanting to add more flowers to the pile. As they're getting everything ready, it's still pitch dark and Henry's gathered a couple of candles, but it's pretty tough to see.

And normal who's been absent the last couple hours comes up to him and says, Grandpa Henry I am. I don't know if you could help with this but kids our age we never saw the sun, you know, and he never got to see it either but we, we have it. Weirdly enough, and I wonder if maybe we could do this like kind of, you know, there hasn't been a sunrise here in a really long time but maybe we could let the sunrise.

And, you know, I just thought that might be nice. You know, these candles look like they were for sex stuff, honestly. So I don't know that that's very appropriate. And Henry's like, oh, these are the sex candles. So I put these away. I think that's a great idea. Yeah. Boy, you guys had that's right. Yeah. Well, we haven't had that around here for a while. Let me just let everybody know that that's going to happen so that they don't freak out and lose their minds. Excuse me, everyone.

you see like a whole bunch of people who have been living in this village kind of emerge and it's a bunch of

wayward refugees from this disrupted plane. And Henry was like, you guys are never going to believe this, but these kids have an old friend of ours that we'd like to reintroduce. Just, you might want to cover your eyes. You might not want to look directly. We got the sun back, everybody. I don't know what the crap does anymore. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. One guy runs screaming off into the darkness. Oh, no, Candlestore, come back.

I know that this is bad for your candle business, but you know, it's just everyone's got to be able to enjoy it. Like, you know what? In a lot of ways, this is my favorite TV show. I know we don't have TV here, but you know how that good feeling you get when your favorite TV show comes back and like the studio brought it back after 20 years and it's just as good as it always was? This is just like that. You all called me an idiot, but who's the idiot now? This old lady comes out, you all thought I was bad.

And she opens up her sunglasses. You're all set. What a tough thing to invest in. But look who's laughing now. $200.

a pair. Oh my God. Oh yeah, the shade witch. That's right. I forgot that you've been planning this. I'm really happy that you're having a big moment here. But hey, you know, my grandson's going through a lot right now, so maybe... They ain't free. Maybe we could just like, you know, not sell stuff at the funeral. Maybe just like, just this once we could let everyone try them on and then choose to buy them. I'm here as the market demands it. Don't get mad at me if people want these sunglasses.

All right, look, how much for the whole lot? And Henry pulls out like a hefty bag of gold. I just get to watch Dungeons and Daddies. Well, well, well. Let me feel the weight of those silver over there. She takes the silver and goes, is she blind? You and I have such a complicated history together. Is Shade Witch blind? No, she wants to feel the weight.

Now, these cords legit, right? Sure are. Well, then the store's yours. And she hops onto a unicorn. And then before Shade Witch rides away. And she turns around and she goes, but this one's for me. And she puts cool sunglasses on and rides away. And then I need your boots, your sunglasses, and your unicorn.

And then Rexum the welder is like, but Shade Witch, what will I use to weld me goggles with? I ain't the Shade Witch no more. I just sold my Shade Witch. She goes back to Galloping. Stop interrupting.

I'm trying to get out of town. She rides away. Henry passes out sunglasses to everybody. How do I put the sun back in the sky? You just hurl it up really hard. Okay. Who wants to do the honors? Henry says, holding the sun in his hand. What? You got a weak arm or something? I do. I've never been good at throwing stuff. You know, I'm all about bringing things closer, not pushing them away. Okay.

Norm, do you want to do it? How about, like, can we all hold it and throw it up in the air together? Like one of those parachutes. Yeah, like the parachute game. Yeah, okay, sure. All right, so Normal holds the sun out. Okay, guys. All right. Just this once. Yeah. Just this once. Whatever you want. Chaparral on three. Okay. One, two, three. Chaparral. I can't do it!

The sun soars up and up and up and up and up into the sky, bringing with it the quickest sunrise you've ever seen. And it finally stops in the dead center and it becomes high noon. And for the first time, a lot of these people in the wayward refugee camp that Henry has set up get to clamp eyes on sunlight.

And their joy is incalculable. They start weeping tears of joy. Some of them are running around just holding their hands out to get as much of the sun on their body as possible. Some of them are sending their buttholes because they saw that's what Henry does. But they seem to be overjoyed with the situation. Way out from the distance you hear the Shade Witch go, Wow! I hope we hear a lot more from the Shade Witch as this series goes on. Shade Witch. Her sunglasses are hot.

She's also really good at like insulting people by passive aggressively. Yeah. She was not contributing to that community with the sun blazing down. Normal goes to the sort of fresh Mount Earth where Hermie is buried and he kneels and he says, I liked you too. He puts his hand on the dirt and says, good night, sweet prince.

You guys want to say something nice to Hermie? Sure. I bet you all got something. I don't know. Listen, I just, you know, I think he would probably wherever he is, you know, he could probably hear it. So if you guys want to say something, well, that's one of his best friends. I think it's only right that I say a few words. Hermie, you definitely were one of us. Sorry, you got shot. Sorry for all the times we forgot you were around. Hermie, I know you think that I didn't notice you, but I did notice you.

Thanks for everything. Okay. You did a really good job, Normal. Sure. Thanks, man. Happy. Nothing, Link, huh? Nothing? I just said Normal did a good job. Okay. All right.

Look, his eye's cold, dog. Hello, Taylor. As you turn away from the grave, you can see Lark and Sparrow talking to Henry, gesturing, and one of them is holding up the jar. They basically explain to Henry, like, this is the last thing we need, and then we can send the doodler home, and then this can all be over. But, you know, it's going to need all the Oak boys together to do it. Henry says, okay, that's a lot, and, you know, you guys did it. Everything is different now. Or rather, I should say Normal did it, and his friends.

I know it was really hard and really big of you guys to have to come here. It couldn't have been easy. So I respect you for that. And he puts out his hand to shake their hands. Lark shakes your hand. Sparrow goes in for a hug. Henry like kind of lets him hug him for a second and then sort of gives him like a light hug back. Okay, let's do this. He should know. He should know what happened. So the man with the white beard cackles. He goes, I can help with that.

Dad. You want to understand each other? You want to learn from the past? I can help. All right. So what you're going to do is you're going to go and act cold purple. You're going to go see the decisions that you can't take back.

Ready? Here we go! And he spread, the man with the white beard palms the warm dirt in front of him and a dull purple glow emanates from his fingers spreading across the ground towards you. As the purple touches your feet, you feel a tingling sensation and then you're falling, falling down, down, down into a black pit and then suddenly up, up, up towards a white light, your stomach churning from the sudden inversion. When your eyes adjust, everybody, you, Lark Sparrow, Henry, Link, all the kids, find yourselves in what looks to be a firing range.

At that moment, you see the same man twice. They look like younger versions of Lark and Sparrow. Their eyes not nearly as sunken and their posture just a little bit straighter. Sparrow is teaching Hero how to shoot while Lark teaches a six-year-old normal. Hero is hitting every shot. Normal is not.

past lark says why don't you uh take a break norm why don't you get something from the snack machines okay and as uh normal walks off he hears normal just still has the gun in his hand he's with his finger on the trigger all right trigger discipline i remember and then he presses a button and drops the clip out and there's one there's still one in the spout and they fire the gun under the ground sorry sorry sorry sorry is this like a is this like a shooting range yes it's a shooting range and the guys behind the camera say hey what the

fuck guys yeah the 20th time so you look around each other and you see that you can see each other but you get the sense that you are invisible you can touch and manipulate the environment but you are invisible and the other people around you in this in this past memory cannot see you normal heads off his own towards the snack room and you can see that we are almost gonna clock snacks i got a 12 finally a mid roll any good snacks what do i enjoy some paydays the mid yeah

I can't have any of those. Those are processed. Are there any carrots? I go up to the guy at, I assume, the counter of this gun store, this fire range. As you walk through the hallway, you see that you're actually in Daddy's HQ back before everything was different. Well, then in that case, I go straight to the Oak family's vegan-friendly snack vending machine, which I assume is outside. And I press the secret code, and then I take a little cup to the hummus dispenser, which squirts out a hummus-like soft serve.

And as you were getting ready to... A seaweed cone, and he just... As you're ready to suck that hummus down, just straight up, no frails hummus, young Normal hears a voice whispering, help me.

Help me, Normal. Who's there? Only you can save me, Normal. And Normal's feet carry him to one of the closed doors in the dungeon, the enormous dungeon that you've seen before. Previously, when you saw it, it was in the ground. It was like an inverted pyramid. It's not inverted right now. Now it's just a straight up pyramid. And you look up and you can see cells upon cells upon cells upon cells of people and things and objects that were too dangerous to keep in normal society. Normal's feet sort of carry him towards one door that is closed closed.

Other doors that normal walks by are closed by copper, silver, and gold padlocks, but this one seems unprotected. If you want to, if you're following normal, you can roll Arcana. Does normal remember any of this? No. No, because this is before Code Purple happened. Dude, normal, what the fuck? Stop yourself. Hey, I'm invisible. I can't. Dad, what's up? What is this? What am I? What's happening? Lark and Sparrow say, you don't need to watch this part. You're just going to, you know what? Let's go back. When adults say that, that's normal.

Tell me the part you want to watch. Go away. And I follow my six-year-old self up the stairs. Roll Arcana when you get near the door.

Hold on, you weren't near the door yet. Huh? You weren't near the door yet. You found the new loophole! Oh, yes. You were just checking the arcana of that stair. Okay, so you have no idea what is going on with his door, so you cannot stop yourself, so that works for me. Damn, he always just ignores me. It's the past, so you can just say it. It's the past. A voice from inside this dark chamber just whispers again, Normal, you're the only one that can help me, please. Please, you're so special. You're the only one. You're the chosen one who can help me out. And little

Little normal feels his hand moving towards the door and he touches the door and

Breathe.

Jesus. I'm sorry! I opened the door and there was a voice. He said that it was, she said that she needed my help. I thought someone was hurt. Oh my God. Normal, what did you do?

Not today, no, not today

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlowe. And myself, Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

This podcast is directly supported by Patreon. And here's some shout outs of these patrons. People like Ronnie Morris, Schmoodle, Jansen Wee, Eric Jensen, Zar Zappy, Jake Vianne, Tyler Kinon, Danton Bryans, Ethan Britton, TJ Donnery, ES,

Didrick Andrew Torres apparently did learn everything from Alan Dershowitz, Alan effect, Matthew Cobb, Virginia Thorpe, Nick Lindenberger, tickle me, trouble one, Claire K share and Jolene Taylor. Our Patrion is the number one place on the entire internet to get the latest and greatest bits of dungeons and daddy's content. We just released a monthly bonus of indeterminate content where Glenn close runs the season one dads and Peyton through his half remembered weed baked recollection of tomb of horrors, the classic dad,

D&D module. Why talk about it when we can listen to it? Here, let me listen. Check it out. Choose left, center, or right. Left. Left. Give me a strength roll on this. Let's say 16. With one mighty swoop, you clang this stick against the wall and the debris falls away. There's like a door there, dude. Oh!

You're welcome. Perhaps this is the entrance to Ace's tomb. It could be a trap, guys. Because again, this module created by Gary Gygax is full of dark and disturbing secrets and ruses and gambits and deceptions within deceptions. So I think we should make sure I pull out, and I have this written down, a second 10-foot pole. Wait, really? Really?

That right there is available at the EXL supporter level and higher, but you can support the podcast directly and get ad-free episodes and tons and tons of bonus content. And by the way, new feature Spotify playlists of all of our audio content for easier consumption. All that at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Pop that into a browser. Click around. See if you like it enough to do something about it.

Thank you to everybody who jumped onto those Black Friday sales. We still have a bit of the tour merch available, so please peruse to your heart's content at store.dungeonsanddags.com. And finally, if you're in the LA area, Matt and I are doing a little free screening at the South Pasadena Community Center on Monday, December 11th of the movie we shot. It's called We're All Gonna Die. It's like a lighthearted apocalypse road trip romantic comedy. And we're doing it at the South Pasadena Community Room in the South Pasadena Library, Monday, December 11th, 7 p.m. It's free. We're trying out some stuff out as we scheme to release this indie film we shot during the pandemic. And we're doing it at the South Pasadena Community Room

Stars Ashley Burch and Jordan Rodriguez. Come on out. Free screening. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads to see what we have on our Patreon, our social media links and more at our website, DungeonsandDaddies.com. Merch is at store at DungeonsandDaddies.com. And another episode, the last one of the year, coming at you December 18th. We will see you then.

Six-year-old normal quietly closes the door, locks it, and then just quietly walks back downstairs eating his hummus and carrots.