S2 Ep. 45 - Hell or High Father
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Welcome to Pasta Pundit, heaven's number one podcast about piping hot pasta and traditional family values. I'm your host, Frank, aka the Fettuccine Federalist, aka the Penne Patriot. DBA is the Cannelloni Conservative. And as always, we start with what I have in front of me, which today is an absolutely gorgeous cacio e pepe, and you best believe this was done the proper traditional way. No cream, no garlic, no butter, just four ingredients exactly the way the Romans do it. Oh, oh, oh yeah. ♪

Today we're going to be talking about the break into heaven by a group of Antifa teens who infiltrated our borders for God knows what. These days, folks, I'll just say it, it's an open gate. Anyone can walk in here and come into contact with friends, lovers, former principals who they wrongfully killed in their lives to try and seek some kind of closure. Is that what heaven is? Just a place where you can come and go as you please? What happened to you? Oh, I don't know.

upholding traditional family values and the glory of God in your time on earth and receiving your ultimate reward. I ask you, what does a life spent performing virtuous deeds and dictating the legal rights of specific groups of people even mean if radical Antifa teenagers can walk into this afterlife completely uncontested? Anyway, citizens of heaven, we can rest easy for now. Flash reports place them in hell where they are currently obtaining daddy magic from their grandparents for what one must assume is some kind of a satanic ritual.

We're going to take a quick break. I'm going to take a quick slurp. So stay tuned. And when we come back, have our angelic guardians become too soft on crime? Oh, yeah. Oh, possible. Oh, yeah.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. What the heck is it, though? This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. This season, about four teens from our world sent to fix the mess their grandparents made and fix the world and bring things back the way it was. To balance the force. To unity, to harmony. What is this? The fourth...

that keep our world in check from the falses of darkness and chaos. Anthony, where was the weird wizard? We haven't talked about the chaos orbs yet. When are we going to get to the chaos orbs, Anthony? Yeah, when's the chaos orb arc going to happen, Anthony?

What is this from? I don't know what they're doing. It's the lore from the show. In the ancient time, the immortal one created the four chaos orbs to counterbalance the forces of the stasis. This is BCO, the four chaos orbs. The chaos orbs were created to battle the stasis, the force of stagnation. Is this a Dragon Ball Z thing? No, Beth. I think Will's just having a stroke. I'm just cooking, dude. I'm just doing Kuri-style lore for our show. Holy shit, by the way, let them cooks from Breaking Bad?

Is it? Wait, can we use our teen facts to just add lore to the show? Link's teen fact is there's three chaos orbs that control Willy and he has one of them. Wait, slow down. So you're saying there's now a total of seven chaos orbs? Yeah.

Link has one of the three of the seven. Did he get it from Elgort? Link is from that ancient society. The three of the seven is what they're called. The keepers of the three. The keepers of the three. They took it from the description on a printout. A lot of fans have been theorizing that Link was one of the keepers of the three.

God. All right. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the rock and roll. No, the mastermind rogue mastermind rogue is the whole thing. It's all subclass. You said that like, we don't know Dungeons and Dragons. So why don't you tell us? I only know this because you were asking me questions about this. What is mastermind? Is that perhaps a subclass mastermind? Actually looking forward to is a subclass. So I'm looking forward to with mastermind on the rogue track.

is that he has a... Taylor has like the most insufferable ability I've ever seen. Yeah, we knew that. No, no, no, no, no. At level three, he gets insufferable. Wait, is this a mastermind of Taylor Swift's song? It is. Oh, I see what happened here. But hold on really quick. This is just great. You ready for this? You ready for this one getting dropped? This one's called Insightful Manipulator. If I spend at least one minute observing... Wait, you already told us this!

Is this that you get to, if you look at them, you can tell if they compete you in a fight? Yeah. I'm sorry, you sound so upset, but you literally did it on the last episode. I cannot remember that because it's been a while. We're back. He's remastering his facts. This is the Taylor's version. This is the Taylor's version of the fact. This week's Taylor fact. Taylor may no longer be a ranger, but I'll tell you the one thing Taylor misses the most about being a ranger, which is disguising himself as a trash can and then getting pushed onto stage. Sound familiar, folks? I'll let you figure that one out yourself.

I'm really hoping that Freddie changes his class again in like two episodes. His three facts have been, I'm going to change my class. Then the next week it was, my new class is this. And then this week, I missed the class I used to be. It misses the imagination of Link's favorite seven senses are. Sorry, sorry. This is so rich coming from five senses Matt.

last week who managed to string out two and a half months of episodes with his five senses. I regret nothing. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play... Keeper of the three. Keeper of the three of the seven. I play Mr. Boss Kicks, the schooled in prison, free from homeschool, now spouse and paladin to his best friend, teenager friends. Little fact about Lincoln. I realized that just a little blast from the past because I know one of the most

fan favorite facts of Daryl is his bathroom regimen. So I thought I'd talk about Lincoln's for a second. When Lincoln goes to the bathroom, he takes off all of his clothes and puts them in the laundry because they get dirty. Every time he goes to the bathroom, he puts on a new pair of clothes. Wait, wait, wait. I think we have the same question. When you say they get dirty...

Why is that? Because when you take, if you were to put your pants down to your ankle, they touch the bathroom floor. The bathroom's just a dirty place. So you figure, look, he figures if you go in there and you go wash your hands and everything, just wash your whole, just get the thing. So Link's up to take your pants off all the way down to your ankles to pee kind of boy. Yes, but then get on a new pair of pants afterwards. When you say Link takes off all his clothes then goes to the bathroom.

So I need a little like egg mess, like order of operations explanation. Well, I mean, it's his own home. Does he get naked and then go pee and then put his clothes back on? You know what? It's his own home sometimes.

You know, why not? But what about when he's not in his own home? Yeah, but what if he's at a kind of McDonald's? He doesn't go to the bathroom. Yeah, he only eats at home. Yeah, this adventure's been hard for him. I mean, he goes to the bathroom now, but he's feeling... That's why he was able to, you know, in heaven. This is canon, though, because, yeah, it's you've been trying to... Okay, were you buck-ass naked in heaven the entire time? No, I mean, he's not like... Haven't you, like, peed into a jar or something? He has. Look, look, look. It's not complicated. He has... Right, where the fuck...

You all understand the idea that there's things you do at home that you don't do out in public, right? Like this is what he prefers to do. He understands that when he's in a public restroom, he can't do his laundry. So he doesn't do this. I'm just saying in the perfect universe, in his perfect little safe home, when he goes to the bathroom, he puts on a new change of clothes as well. Like, why not? Like keep it all clean. If heaven's not your perfect safe place, I don't know where it would be. Um, does he do his own laundry? No, absolutely not.

Now he's a teenager. That's one of the many chores he does not do. Hello, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oak, perky, peppy, chipper, cheery, school spirit, mascot, kid. Normal fact about Normal this week is that Normal is the founder of the school's yearbook club.

which is not the club that makes the yearbook. It's the yearbook club, which is a book club where every month some teens meet to discuss a new yearbook that the school published from its long and story history. That's so fucked. Oh my God. How many people are in this club? Last month they brought

back. They had an alumni guest, the designer of the 2004 San Dimas High School Senior Yearbook, came in to give a talk on the theme, New Beginnings, which was the theme of the book that year. Normal was the only one there, so it was a very short Q&A. Usually his audience winds up being people who think that it's the normal yearbook club that makes the yearbook, and then they generally don't stick around. I would totally be in a book club about the yearbook. Does that make me an absolute freak? Maybe. Well, this is your best fact. This is

This is your Ron. This is Kurosawa's Ron. Maybe this might be the end of your career. Ron, is it already in the movie? It's not Ron Stampler. No, no. This is his best fact. I love everything about this fact. Thank you so much. If Kurosawa made Ron, R-O-N, I'd watch that. Matt just exploded his Coke Zero all over himself and the microphones.

But I would watch that, right? Ron going in and be like, these people want one kind of business and these other people want another kind. But really, they're really similar. I'll manipulate them both. Ron Jimbo. Ron Jimbo. Ron Jimbo. My name is Beth May and I play Scary Marlowe, a goth punk seeker of darkness who doesn't want to freaking care anymore. I hear that. Gosh darn it. Fun fact about Scary.

is that uh scary's been in science classes and because of that has developed a favorite planet as you know some people do okay um scary's favorite planet at least in our solar system is mercury because mercury has the longest day which means it also has the longest night that's right the longest

time period to write poetry to focus on regrets and be sad. Venus has the longest day of any planet in our solar system. How about night? Because that's what matters. Venus, which completes one rotation every 243 Earth days, has the longest day of any planet, which I assume also means longest night.

A Night of Mercury lasts 176 days. Whoa. That could be the name of your sci-fi poetry album by Scary Marlowe, 176 days. 176 days of night. Don't you love it when three men tell one woman what her fact is? No, it's fine. No, it's like, we were agreeing with that. You know, what's interesting is that there are 176 chaos shards that make up the three lost orbs. Oh, yes. How come?

I thought there were four Lost Orbs. There's three Lost Orbs and four normal Orbs. And there's three of the seven. How hard is this to understand? He's a keeper of the three. Normal is a seeker of the three. Oh, I think Freddy looked up the longest year. No, I'm looking at... It's actually really interesting here. It's not. Let's move on. Yeah. I'm Anthony Burge. I'm your dad.

The atmosphere is two orders of magnitude denser. Sorry, go on. My Hermie fact is that Hermie didn't have a childhood. Scam likely conjured him into existence as a high schooler because he thought that was the funniest time of life that a human being could exist. That's awful. Did he implant memories into him? Yeah.

He just appeared as a freshman with memories of being a child. Has he only been alive for a couple years or has he been alive for many years as a high schooler? He's only been alive for a couple years as a high schooler. Oh my God, he's like Don. Wow. He looks fucking crazy. He's like Don. Yeah, he's like Don from, again, D-A-W-N, not D-O-N, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That was Akira Kurosawa's Donald Trump movie. Guys, if you keep making Kurosawa jokes, let me know because I can't be drinking Coca-Cola while everybody else is bangers.

So the last time we left you, you were on a quest to get a bunch of daddy and granddaddy magic to fill up a magic jar with which you could send the doodler back to the doodler's home dimension. You had just recently gotten a bunch of daddy magic from Daryl Wilson and his lineage, and you are now heading to hell. We milked that sucker dry, dog. Yeah. Yeah.

No amateur states here. You went down to hell and prostates. You went down to hell and found Terry because he had died and not shown up in heaven. And you found Terry Stampler having a fight with Glenn Close, a cool sword fight on a dais of skulls suspended above a sea of fire. Hell yeah. And there's skulls in the fire too. Yeah. It's like a tower of skulls. And then on the top of the tower is a dais. And then the skulls are getting like charred by the flames around them and shit. Shit, dude. It's pretty metal.

So you overhear Terry Jr. say, don't forget why we're doing this. LAUGHTER

Just in case you forgot. Yes, no. No, my memory is not what it used to be. It's very good to be occasionally reminded. I'm the one who shot Nick's arm off and almost got him killed and fucked him over and screwed him over to the fuzz. That's completely unacceptable. And therefore, you must die per your request. Wait, you wanted this? What are you doing here? Glenn's going to draw his Sephiroth blade. He's going to redraw his sword? Well, he has two.

you remember in the star wars right when darth maul had the second saber he's got his second masa mune blade on top of his first one is the exact darth maul pose and he's like he whirls it around him a couple times and he's like you know the consequences of death in this realm my man when you die you die forever your soul just parks in limbo and you're dead again you're dead there he goes that

That's what I'm counting on. Okay, well then let's get back to it. All right, Terry, she's just going to continue to sword fight you, I guess. Crazy how we're evenly matched. Your time spent studying the blade has been serving you well. Your time in hell has been serving you well as well. Thank you, I have my pick of the greatest swordsmasters down here. Wow, it's like a compliment for...

fight, but also a regular fight. I just watched YouTube videos of you doing Kung Fu in your room alone. That's how I learned the blade. Son, why don't you stop fighting and Glenn, you too, and let's chalk this out. Terry says, no, I deserve this. Yes, he deserves this. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Well, I get nothing. You can't cry during the middle of the match. Come on, man. I deserve it. I deserve it. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I tried to kill your son. This is going weird. I'm a bad person. No, no, you're not a bad person. Come here, my sweet baby boy. Come here. Oh.

Oh, Ron, daddy. Oh, Ron goes and hugs Terry Jr. He sobs into your chest. I did not think that was how this fight was going to go. So epic. Glenn is like leaned over, like getting like toweled off by imps. Dude.

He's like, got one arm draped. Little imp cut man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got him on the ropes, dude. Yeah, come on, impy. Wait, wait, wait. Look at that. It's starting to sound like Rocky now. You know what I mean?

But I picture Glenn's got like one arm draped. The other one, he's smoking. He's just straight up smoking tobacco cigarettes while I lean back and he's coming. He's like, ow, ow, ow. I think I almost got him. Yeah, I'm just going to be like, yeah, you do, you do, you do. All you got to do is cut his head off and then shit down his neck and then throw his body into the fire and then go find his family and then go kill his family. Don't tell me I do a fucking job sport.

You're right, sir. You're right. You're right. I'm so sorry. Hey, squirt some water in my mouth. Oh, God. I mean, they have a water bottle. It comes from a water bottle. It's normal. Hey, somebody get that jar thing. Don't we need tears to like fill up the thing? Or is that something else? Good idea, Scary. Scary, he's talking to us. Normal. Oh, sorry. He's talking to us. Yeah. Yeah, I'm talking. Yeah. I just talked to you guys. I was sleeping. No, it's just good. It's good. We're good. Yeah. Remember?

I'm sleeping. You were actually taking a nap. Normal takes off his helmet and wipes the snot from his face at the same time. So you guys don't see how much he was crying in there. Can I roll perception? Yeah. Perception too. Can I roll slight of hand, Anthony? If it was slight of face, maybe. Slight of face. You rolled deception. Deception. Like disadvantage since you got snot. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, no. I got a natural one. Okay, they know exactly how much you've been crying. And not only that, they know why you've been crying. That's cool. I just, you know, I yawn and my nose gets stuffy and my eyes get red when I'm tired. And that's why I look like this. Yeah, we know, Norm. You're allergic to the mascot outfit. Yeah, it's a pain that I wear every day for the love of the school. Here's the jar. Here you go. I give you the jar. Are you sure you don't want to, you know, since you're, you know. Since I'm what?

Since you've got liquid coming out of your face, maybe you want to put it in... First of all, this is... Sorry, I'm still stuffed up. This is... Like I said, I'm just sleepy, so this is my eyes are watering. This is in tears. That's fair. Maybe there will be other opportunities to get your face liquid. Scary, it's memories we need, not...

Oh, yeah. Otherwise, we could all just cry into that nonstop. Yeah, you're right. Normal's crying enough for all of us. I'm not crying right now. Yeah, but you are. Okay, I'm back, guys. I'm back. That's good. Let's go. Scary sees Terry and kind of does that thing where you like...

step to the side like you're stepping casually but she like does that all the way over towards him so like it looks like she looks like she's like full-on galloping but and then she kind of sidles up to terry jr is like hi so it's been a while yeah

Yeah. You okay? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I always have. I mean, I'm glad you got out of the situation with the black parade and all that. I was worried, but you handled it. You're I knew you would, but I'm glad to see. Okay. Maybe it was just a phase, you know, maybe. Oh, wow. Okay. I mean, I'm still like, I'm still like really like sad and dark and dark and me too. I mean,

why why are you doing this because i i made a mistake and i'm the only person who can punish me well glenn can i guess that's why i came to glenn yes i am your judge jury and your executioner that's what being an adult's all about taking responsibility now i'm good yeah i don't i don't deserve to go to the the other place yet i don't think wherever maybe and uh yeah you weren't supposed to see this part this was supposed to be

Sort of just for me. Well, I'm glad I am seeing it. I mean, it's like, it's good to see you. It's really good to see you. You mean that? Yeah, of course I mean that. I've always liked you a lot. You're a really, really smart kid who loves your mom a lot and, you know, you clearly cared about your dad. Enough about this and me and stuff like that. Taylor's nudging the memory jar towards you. I just don't believe that you really...

want it to go down like this. You know what I mean? So if you screwed up that bad or whatever, prove it. She holds the memory jar out. This podcast is brought to you by eHarmony, the dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. Why doesn't eHarmony allow copy and paste in first messages? Because you are unique and your conversations should reflect that.

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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo. Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand to be like, kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? I love you, dad.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com promo code daddies. Terry takes the jar from you and his eyes begin to glow bright purple and tears roll down his cheeks and you zoom into his memory and you see Terry is on the phone with Ron and Terry says,

Yeah, Ron, I just need you to stay there in that field. And if somebody comes up, just talk to him. Just keep him talking. I'll be by. What should I talk about? Because I'm getting a haircut later and I thought I could use some input from bystanders of what it should look like. You know what? That's great. That's great. Just talk about your haircut. It's just well, I guess I could just tell you it's Nick. Nick hasn't been wanting to talk to us in a really long time. He's actually been trying to stay away from us.

So if you could maybe keep around. That reminds me of when you didn't like me very much and then you did and now we talk all the time like we are talking on the phone right now. Exactly. That's what I'm looking for is for us and Nick to be friends again the way that you and I became friends. So if you can just stand there and sort of keep him talking until I can show up, then that would be super great, Ron.

Sure. Yeah, absolutely. I love you so much, Kito. I'll talk to you soon. Yeah, I love you too. And he hangs up. And a few moments later, Nick Close walks out of the brush into the clearing. So I know there are a lot of cuts in style now, but I actually don't have a lot of hair to work with. So I was thinking just shorter on the sides and then kind of keeping it the same on the top because there's nothing really there.

Is that why you called me here, Nick says? You wanted to talk about a haircut? I heard you might not be getting along with people. And I happen to be a little bit of an expert in that myself, in going from enemies to lovers, so to speak, but not in a bad way or in a sexy way. I just meant just kind of like, you know, finding out that your friends love you again. I'm sure my friends do love me, but we've had a lot of disagreements, Nick says.

they seem to want to take everybody from your world and take them into hell where I live. And I know that's going to displace a lot of my people and it's going to hurt a lot of cool demons and cool dead people that have been taking up a lot of residence in hell. And I don't think that's the answer, but they keep nagging me about it. And it's really beginning to, to cheese me off a little bit, if I'm being completely honest. Well,

We don't always get to choose who enters our lives and who leaves our lives. And sometimes you can be like, oh, wow, I got that really good friend in my life. Or sometimes it's like, oh, I got that mean person to go away. You become the person you choose to be around, you know? And I always say we're stuck with ourselves longer than we're stuck with anyone else. So just be somebody that you'd want to be stuck with.

Well, you just said there about we are who we choose to be around. I think that you might have a good point there. Maybe it's worth reexamining what they were sort of demanding of me. I got really heated. I got really pissed. I told them to fuck off the last time I saw your son. But like, I don't know. Maybe there's a point. Maybe there's a way we can make it work. Maybe. And as he says that, figures start moving in the underbrush around you. And he goes, whoop! And he turns around and puts his hand on the hilt of his sword that he always keeps with him. And Lark and Sparrow come out of the underbrush holding crossbows.

To his right, Terry Jr. comes out. Hey, son. So, yep, I'm thinking about getting a little off the side. Dad, step back. Okay, sure. What's going on? Terry takes out what looks to be a shotgun, but the end of it is glowing blue. And he points it at Nick and he says, Nick, I'm really sorry, but we need to get into hell.

The doodler is going to destroy everybody on this planet on maybe on every plane of existence, but hell is safe and we need to get. And Nick says, Oh, and this is how you're, this is how you're asking me at gunpoint. We, we, we've gotten here. Have we, this is, this is where we are now. That's incredible. Lark's barrier. Cool with this. Where's Grant? And then Grant stands up one inch away from all of them. Just completely invisible. He's like, I'm a bro. Yeah, exactly. He's a sniper. He's a sniper. He's five feet away. He stands up point blank sniping. And he goes, Oh,

Oh, that's how it is. Yeah, Ron, you should probably run for this part. And he takes out his sword and a fucking badass fight ensues. It's also sad. As Nick single-handedly fights off Lark and Sparrow and Grant and Terry, his sword flashes through the air with infernal rage.

He manages to cut the crossbow out of Lark's hand. He kicks Sparrow back into the underbrush. He catches a crossbow bolt in midair and throws it at the other crossbow bolt and explodes. Yeah, that happens. And then he grabs Grant's sniper rifle and clubs him across the head with him knocking him out. And he brings up the sword to Grant's neck as if he's about to kill him and he hesitates. And in the moment that he hesitates, a

blast comes off from behind him. Terry's shotgun belches blue flame and it blows Nick's arm off at the elbow and it screams in agony and falls to the ground. It says, this is your plan? You thought killing me would get you into hell? Terry says, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I thought maybe if you were in danger you would try to escape to hell so just go to hell and we'll fall. Nick says, fuck you. And

stabs Terry through the leg. Terry screams out in pain, falls to the ground, and... Terry! He sheathes his sword, once again plunging the clearing into darkness as he runs back into the woods and disappears. You are left with the vision of Terry on the ground, his leg with a large cauterized gash in it,

As Ron rushes over to tell them. Okay, let's see. First aid, I've got to have a spell for this or something. I probably don't. Let me just wrap it up with my shirt for now. Thanks, Dad. You lied to me, kiddo. You said I was here to talk about my haircut. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did. I'm going to tell you something that I just told a friend.

We don't always choose who comes into our lives and who leaves it. And sometimes it can be like, hell yeah, I got a new friend or hell yeah, I got a mean person to go away. But it makes the people that we choose to be around and the people that stick with us all the more important. Yeah, and we're still here and we're stuck with ourselves for longer than anyone else is. So...

I don't think you've been somebody you'd choose to be around lately. I know that what I said just doesn't make any sense, but... No, it makes a lot of sense. And you're right. I fucked up. I fucked up. And then the memory ends. Terry is once again crying into Ron's shirt, his body heaving with regret at what he did to his friend. Scary goes up to Terry Jr.,

And it's like, hey, man, I mean, like, it's like metal that you are in hell, but that doesn't mean that you, like, deserve to be here or whatever. I mean, did you see what I did to, like, my best friend? Of course I deserve to be here. Well, yeah, like, everybody makes mistakes, though. Everybody makes big mistakes, and you showed up, you know? Like, you weren't perfect, but you showed up, and that's more than a lot of people would do. Terry reaches an arm around you and pulls you in for a hug. Scary hugs back.

She says, I saw you, you know, at my soccer game. I felt so stupid always looking over, you know, to the stands because like my dad, my biological father, you know, he was never there. But I always looked at the stands and I know I pretended not to see you, but I saw you there.

And it meant a lot. Terry holds even closer and cries even harder. Do I get extra memory points for a scary memory going into the jar? Yeah, absolutely. Fuck yes. As...

Ron and Terry and Scary all hold one another. You see a purple glow begin to emanate from all three of them. And you sense this daddy magic, this glow, get stronger and stronger, and it leaves their bodies and zooms into the jar, filling it up a little bit more. And you are now seeing that the jar is halfway full. Or half empty. Or half empty. Or half empty. Scary's like, it's cooler that way. The family close and the family oak.

are the remaining families who need to get their memories into that jar to give you the daddy magic you need to send the doodler back to its home dimension. Terry kisses you on the forehead and he says, thanks kid, kiddo. That genuinely means a lot to me. And I'm, I love you like a, I love, I love you very much. I love you too.

Terry drops his sword. Glenn sees the sword down and he kicks the sword into Terry's hand again. I thought we were fighting, loser! En garde! And he's now, but he's defensive. Defensive! He just blocks, dude. He's just blocking. It's like Matrix Resurrections. Fight back, goddammit! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, everyone! Whoa, whoa, Mr. Close, what are you doing? Yeah, finishing what I started. Why?!

well he he asked me to kill him okay but he kind of doesn't want that now i'm good now oh you're good well the fight's off yeah what am i doing here unless you're still angry at me for taking your son's arm but i don't want to be fighting anymore my son's arm well i guess i was checking with my son are you still angry about your arm being gunned yeah but not not like murder angry about it he looks at terry jr and he says i mean i hit him no i mean you want to hit him

Kinda. Okay. But I'm not gonna. Oh, he looks at Terry and he says like, I don't forgive you or any of you. He says, looking at Larkin Sparrow and Grant, I don't forgive you guys for what you did, but I, I get it. I understand.

So there's that. Mr. Close or Nick Close. Mr. Nick, what's up? I mean, can you talk to your dad and like help him with some memories? Like we need like an important memory or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Dad is Glenn guy. Seems like the coolest motherfucker who's ever lived. He's got it all figured out. What a great guy.

This should be no problem. You must got loads of memories with this cool chap here. Just take the jar and just like, you know, fill it up. Just give me, we probably just need like one incredibly important foundational memory that just sticks out, just sticks out like a, in your head, like a rock in your shoe. Uh, yeah. Nick says, and he takes the jar from you. I have a memory that you weren't around for, which was the birth of your grandson. Whoa. Okay. We had little Taylor here and you were kind of,

Nowhere to be found. You were in hell playing a rock concert with Johnny Cash and Elvis and all the other biggest celebrities in hell instead of being with us when my kid was born. Well, let's take a look. Can we go to that memory? Yeah, sure. Let's go to that memory. Sure.

You go into the memory, dude. He and Cassandra Swift in the delivery room at the hospital. She's pushing, she's pushing, and he keeps looking at his arms. He has both of his arms at this point in time. And he's looking at his... He keeps looking at his arms. He's looking at his watch. He's sorry, he's looking at his watch trying to see like, has he gotten any calls from you, anything? And he hasn't gotten anything from Glenn recently. And he is just...

Sitting there holding his wife's hand. No, no, no, no, no. That's inaccurate. He has one text message from Glenn, which is a shot from backstage onto the assembled crowd. And it's just like a fucking crowd shot. And it's just underneath the couch. It's just sick. And Nick goes, that is pretty sick. And then in that moment, Taylor Swift is born. I've always thought Taylor came out completely silent, like a real stoic ninja. Nope.

Came out crying like a baby, dude. Wait, when does Mac get to say what? No, no, that's fair. That's fair. He's a baby. He's a baby. Yeah, he's a baby. Came out crying. And the doctor goes up to Nick and is like, so you want to cut this umbilical cord, dog? I'm not going to do the teeth thing. You can just cut it normally. No, no, no. Check this out. And he gives you a pair of scissors. Who's this doctor? This is a cool doctor. Chill doctor. You want me to? I guess I can do it. Yeah, sure. The dad. Sorry, I'm so out of my depth here. Who cuts the umbilical cord? Shit.

The doctors, I think? They offer the dad all the time, yeah. All the time? Yeah. Did you guys get to... Yeah, I cut my son's umbilical cord. Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, he takes out... I ripped it. He takes the scissors. Well,

Welcome to the world, little Taylor. As he snips the umbilical cord, we cut forward two days. Nick and Cassandra are back at their home and the door opens like a sitcom. It kicks open like in a sitcom and you hear the audience going like, yay, when it's like their favorite neighbor character shows up. And it's Glenn. Glenn takes three steps forward and then just falls face down onto the ground.

passed out from his drug bender after his incredible concert. So Nick rushes up to your prone self and goes, hey, are you okay? Dad, dad, what's... And then he sees the all too familiar glaze of E and...

other cool drugs that aren't like really fucked up ones. Yeah, it's a good as he wasn't doing any fucked up drugs in the sea where he passed out and has a drug problem. It was a hell party, right? It was fun drugs. Was it a party in hell? Yeah. Yeah. So you just make fun drugs by doing it. It was like demon juice. Yeah. He was doing soul smorgasbord. What a relief. Dude, he was getting high on soul killer. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, okay, dad. The concert was so good. I took Soulkiller. I'm glad. For three hours, my soul was gone. Then it came back. Oh, good. Anyway, how have you been? I've been good.

You're a granddad now. What? Yeah. I don't think I want you to see him in this. Let's go put you in the bathtub and just sort of run the shower for a little while and sort of see what happens. All right, do it. Let you cool off. Do it. Wow, look at the thing squirt water at me. Taylor, as a baby, looks in the direction of the commotion and Nick tries to position himself between the baby and the grandfather so that his first...

of his grandfather won't be this. And he takes Grandpa Glenn upstairs and runs the shower for him on cold. They say the day after you do Soulkiller is the worst. LAUGHTER

we cut forward a couple days after his bender finally wears off and he's cogent enough to uh to know what's going on is sitting sagely in the garden reading a small book so taylor comes up so so so nick comes up and goes so did you want to meet the kid or oh yes yes please bring the child you don't want he's sleeping right now do you want to come in and see him

I guess so. Let me just find a good stopping point. Oh my God. I'm almost close. Hold on. Just finishing up this chapter. Nick stands there waiting for the end. Ah, I thought that was the end of the book too. Okay.

I don't want to go back to that. Glenn just throws the book over the fucking garden wall. Whatever. All right, let's see this kid. So he takes you back to see your grandson. What is Glenn's reaction to seeing his grandson for the first time? I think Glenn's reaction to seeing his grandson is... Nick also mentions, like, Jody's been here, like, five times. Ha ha ha ha!

Since he was born. Well, yeah. Why do you think I'm fucking avoiding this fucking narc headquarters? Oh, that's oh, that's why you don't want to see your kid while a guy you don't like is around. You're not willing to put that behind you.

He did take my wife for a while. It got real complicated. Let me see this kid. Well, this is your grandson. This is Taylor. I think Glenn's reaction is that Glenn leans in real close and just examines this child deeply. And he's like, hell yeah, bro. What a cool kid. I remember. I remember. Well, was that you? Yes. I remember when you were born.

This is about half the feeling that I had when you were born. What do you got? What's his name? I just told you his name is Taylor. Taylor. Sorry. My soul was dead for three days. No, yeah, you told me. Dude, you missed your grandson's birth? Glenn sees this memory. And I think it's the first time that he's seen himself from like sort of that third eye, like actually looking back in that way, because I assume the flashback is like kind of like the unaltered memory.

like, true version of the events. Yes, the objective version. Because I'll tell you what it was in Glenn's head. In Glenn's head, he kicks the door and everyone's like, hey, what's up? He's like, ah, just in time. And he gives a big hug in his head. That's kind of how it played out. But now he's seeing kind of the reality of it. And he goes, dang, I don't know if I like that guy. The guy who kicked the door down. Not everyone knows. He was stumbling around. He was like, he was not even there. And this seems like a pretty...

Well, pretty big deal for you and, you know, Nick. Yeah, it was. Yeah, but like, you know, he's here now. So like, what's the big deal? And Nick says, yeah, I mean, I guess I'm saying it like it's a really negative memory, but like, whatever. I mean, he's on eventually. And like, you know, I didn't see a lot of Taylors growing up. And that was like, we're cool now, right, Taylor? Fuck yeah, dawg. Yeah, see? Well...

Look, I'm back now and I'm super tight and we hang out and we can do samurai shit together and we're fucking, we're tight as fuck. If I'm going to be honest, dad, I've kind of been hoping and keeping an eye out for time travel magic so that we could go back in time and you could be there for me. Nick falls to the ground supporting himself with his one remaining arm and he goes, oh, um,

I didn't know you felt that way. Yeah, you know, it's just when I was practicing my jutsus, I could have used some pointers. Yeah, but like... As a result, I've developed a number of very bad habits that I'm told are very hard to break. And you know, just watching YouTube videos is not the same as having a dad who can fight. Well, I mean, if it's training you want, we can train you. Like, you see your grandpa there. It's too late. I needed to start when I was three to five years old, like true ninja warriors.

Oh, well, I'm already trying to play catch up a little bit. But, you know, I guess it's water under the bridge. But, you know, if there is time travel magic, then, you know, maybe or if you find it, you can maybe pick me up on the way back to the past. And, you know, maybe we could do childhood and all of that.

Nick is now crying significant tears and remembering like, yeah, I guess there was another reality where you were my dad and we didn't get to spend that much time together. I remember you going to Disneyland without me a lot. And I would just sort of stay at home alone because mom wasn't around. Yeah, but I brought your bag Dole Whip and it was melted, but you could always just throw it back in the freezer. Yeah, that was good. And it was good, right? Yeah, no, I love Dole Whip. Yeah, yeah.

So we're cool. So we're cool. Yeah, we're cool. We're just three cool guys. Well, well, I'm just saying, you know, I could have, you know, not to put too fine a point on it, but dad, I would have appreciated, you know, I didn't even know where you were.

I was 23 and made my ass and they just sent you a picture of fire. They sent me a picture of fire and the cops showed up. There was a white van parked outside of our house for three years. So Nick gets on the one knee and puts his hand on your shoulder and says, I guess I never got to properly apologize to you, did I? Well, the apology won't really turn back time. And I don't know how I feel. I would rather have the time travel. Well, I didn't even get to explain. I was it was in hell. I was I was worried that these fuckers, he says, point to get Larkin Sparrow and Grant. Yeah, those fuckers.

Would have chased after me if I had gotten out of hell. So you're telling me that these fuckers kept you away from me all these years? I'm going to have him roll to see if he's going to take this out. Feels like a wisdom roll. Yeah, real life lesson wisdom roll here. And morally, a fairly consequential one. He got a natural 20. So I'm going to say that means he's going to take the absolute wrong interpretation of that. And he's going to go, yeah, you know what?

- It was these motherfuckers, and he says, pointing at the other dads, he goes, "They are the reason I didn't get to spend time with you because they betrayed me." - That makes sense. I just saw the memory. With your incredible role, you've convinced me. Yeah, yeah. - So Taylor, as you say that, we sort of zoom into your eyes, into your brain, and we are now in your memories 14 years later.

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What do you think would be an important moment in Taylor's life that he would have liked a dad around for? Oh, Taylor definitely took like any martial arts he gets hands on at that time in San Dimas, California is probably not exactly a hotbed of Brazilian jujitsu. So he took like mall karate, like, you know, the stuff where it's clearly kind of not sanctioned by any sort of real organization. There's a lot of I won't take this mall karate slander. Yeah.

There are plenty of hardworking mall karate instructors out there. Yeah, what the fuck, Freddie? I'm just saying that this is where Taylor gets his mall mint love of mall mint juice. It's like Kroger brand karate. Yeah, this is the safe way brand. Karate is his first like belt ceremony. It's him getting his yellow belt.

And it's like, yes, you have your jiu-jitsu, your forms you have to memorize. So he's like performing it and doing like all the kiaz and stuff like real loud. He's so focused, dude. He's not even looking to the crowd. He's like, I can't, can't wait. He does all things. He finalizes the form. He breaks like three boards. I don't know if they break boards. I'm just in my head. This is part of it. And he finishes up and bows. He bows to the left. He bows forward and looks up and he looks at the crowd.

And the crowd is applauding, but like polite applause. Like, I don't give a shit about this kid. He's not mine kind of applause. And you don't see anybody. That's how I go to every show. My kid's not here. I'm just politely applauding. I don't actually give a shit. I'm not Hamilton. That's how I treat every movie I go to. Taylor did a 16 plus 10 acrobatics on that.

Yeah, he got... They bumped you all the way up to a green belt? No, he just skipped yellow. He went straight to the next color belt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Taylor finishes up and he looks at the crowd and...

There's people, you know, cheering, but there's no one there. His mother's there, though. He's like sniffling a little bit. Mom's like, honey, are you OK? Like you've skipped the whole best. I know, mom. He looks at his green belt and he looks to the left at the kid that he superseded because there's only a limited number of green belts. So a kid who was going to get the green belt now doesn't because Taylor rolled a 26 on his performance roll. And this little fucking snot nose kid is sitting there being like, but I trained all summer for this. And his dad comes in and gives him a green belt.

and gives him a big old hug. And he goes like, it's okay, son. I saw how hard you worked. And in my eyes, you're a black belt. Come on, let's get ice cream together. Thanks, dad. And they fucking hug. And then the whole nuclear family fucking piles into their traditional, heteronormative, Christian nuclear family piles into their toy own.

And they drive away. And then the last glimpse that Taylor gets through the through the window, they're just leaving, I guess, because the kid didn't get it through the window of the karate place is a smiling kid and a smiling dad and mom as they drive off and blow through a red light because that's how hard they're fucking going out there. And Taylor looks down at the green belt.

And he just throws it away. And he's like, I think I'm done with karate. Oh, that's cool. The moment that Taylor throws the belt away, we zoom back. And like straight up, the sensei's like, you may never come back here again, dude. He gets kicked out. He straight up gets kicked out. So we zoom out of that memory back to the present day. Nick says,

I'm really sorry. I'm kind of sensing a pattern here. Yeah, I'm thinking that maybe the things that your granddad did, I do now. I'm thinking maybe I fucked up in the exact same way. I totally is a hand on Nick. I think you fucked up in the same way, too. OK, well, that's good. That's good for me. It's just daring daggers at Glenn Close, like astonished. And what? I mean, what did you feel about what you just saw?

I'm pretty jacked up. Hey, where were you, Nick? Jesus Christ. As he says that, Taylor, come here. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What's up? Yeah. Sorry. I was just learning how to be a cut man from that imp over there. Turns out there's not a lot to it. You just cut him. Nick.

Do you know what happened after that day? I mean, a lot of things happened. What do you mean? Well, I guess at some level I felt guilty about all of that, even though the concert was great, by the way. You never asked, but it was. It was fantastic. People loved it. Yeah, you told me. Okay, I don't remember that. But anyway, you know where I went after that? That's when I took up a permanent residency as a DJ in hell. Yeah, I never really asked why you did that.

I assumed you were just, were having a great time, spending more time with your cool hell musician friends and all that. Now, to be clear, that part is also true, but there's another thing that was also sort of influencing my decision to kind of let you raise your kid on your own, which is that like, I guess on some level, I felt kind of guilty about missing out on that. And I thought if I'm in hell and I kept my distance from you, then I wouldn't,

Be a negative influence. It wouldn't be a bad influence on you and your family. And maybe you would have a shot at raising your kid all right. You know, because I'm not, to be honest, I'm not sure how well I did. And seeing this now, I think it's actually pretty clear how well I did, which is not very well at all. And there are many things in a life that you can regret. Some things you don't. I don't regret putting on a great concert, but I do also regret missing the birth of my grandson.

So I've been in hell because I've been trying to stay away from you and try to give you a fighting chance. But now... Well, it didn't work. Yeah. What the hell? I had a thought. I think we got to acknowledge what happened back there. Some people were shitty. Some people were, you know, maybe not there for the birth of important family members in their life. Some people, you know, maybe didn't offer congratulations for one of the best concerts that hell's ever put on. This is all behind us. What if we... I don't know, man. What if we started over?

What if we tried to kind of give it a little bit of a reset and try to make some new memories together as this sort of team of three? I don't know. What do you think about that? Is that stupid? I don't know. What kind of memories are you talking about? Well, I was thinking we all go to Disneyland, the happiest place on earth, and start everything off on the right foot.

It's been so long since I've been to Disneyland, and I was just... I don't know. Let me show you all the secrets. Let me show you all the hidden mickeys. I never got to show Taylor how to get over 900,000 points on the Buzz Lightyear ride. And you, Nick, I never showed you the secret entrance into Club 33 that only I know about, and it requires you to go through the sewers a little bit. I mean, you know...

Oh, wow. What do you say? Maybe we could do something about this all fucked up close family. Maybe we could bring it on back a little bit. What do you guys think? Nick says, yeah, sure. I mean, I like Disneyland as much as the next guy. What do you think, Taylor? What's Disneyland?

Because he's never had Disneyland, right? Oh, yeah. No, I guess he never has. Well, I don't understand. What's Disneyland? Oh, yeah. Good point. I guess it's on a previously doodlerized world now with a bunch of really fucked up shit in it. I'm just saying that, like, give me a chance. Give me a chance to try and make up for all the... Well, I don't... You know what? No, no, no, no, no. I can't make up for any of that stuff. As you're saying this without even wanting it to, tears are rolling down your cheeks. And in that moment...

You and Taylor and Nick all realize that there is no fixing this. Yeah. That this is as good as it's going to get. That you are stuck with each other in the forms that you are now. You see daddy magic, that same daddy magic that exited Ron and Terry's body emanate from their bodies like a fine mist coalesce into the air and then zip into the jar and fill it up a little bit more because that's what your relationship is. You ever fill up your car with gas and like you

Pull it and it gets lotto locks. But then for some reason, it just immediately stops. You know what I mean? You go, and it clicks and it stops. Like, that's not my whole tank. That's exactly how much. Yes. Turns out this relationship you have is your whole tank of your family's relationship. I'm sorry, man. That's probably not enough. And it doesn't make up for anything. Yeah, I guess not. But we're here now, right? Yeah, we're here now. We're all, you know, we're relatively...

and doing fine. And that's, that's something. And in that moment, you hear gunfire coming from a level above you in hell. Yeah, don't worry. That's just the gunfire level.

Oh wait, nope, nope, nope. It's slightly more gunfire than usual. Nope, that's way too much gunfire. The entire force and might of the U.S. military begin to stream through this portal on, what do you call them, like little strings that they come down out of a helicopter? Go, go, go. Like they get on little strings. Oh, the little strings. They're fun little strings. Yeah. You see them coming off those fun little strings? Fun fetish. Like everything. Like jets, tanks. And a dozen. Ospreys. And a dozen. An entire fucking carrier. Oh.

The whole carrier group somehow. They got a tiger cruise. They just got a bunch of like military brats. You soon find yourselves looking at a crowd of dozens upon dozens of U.S. military and FBI agents and all kinds of feds and suits and all kinds of shit coming down. Suits? Yeah. Creepy suits. Creepy like men in black type guys. And Agent Schmagan is there with them, ahead of them. He walks up to Agent Schmagan. Mr. Schmagan. Mr. Kix. He was a good kid.

I just give him a hug. It's been a while.

Yeah, thanks again, he says patting you on the back for getting us in here. So the invasion of hell went off perfectly without a hitch. We have full control of hell. Oh. What do you mean you have full control of hell? Not if I have anything to do with it. Glenn pulls out his home automation iPad, his hell pad, to check on his security systems. Hell is in shambles. What the fuck? I turn push notifications on. Plumes of smoke, fiery wreckage of demons and demon vehicles. Holy shit. I had on sound this whole time.

disappeared souls. Jody, Morgan, all of your cool hell friends, they are in handcuffs. Hell unbreakable handcuffs and being watched over by members of the military. You can also see that the guns that they all have, the ends of their barrels are glowing blue just like you saw in the memory of the shotgun that can actually hurt demons. What the fuck? Glenn remotely controls the camera that he's looking at and he zooms in for more information. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, Glenn's gonna roll like... Yeah, enhancing. Perception.

Or investigation. Is Jody so locked in knowing that you have security cameras? Does he have like a little... He knows. Jody knows. Is he like flashing a little message? Yeah, Jody's probably sending me hands. He's blinking you in Morse code. I want to see you say Morse code. So in Morse code, he says, get Taylor and Nick out. Fuck, he's blinking a lot. His eyes might be watery.

Glenn zooms back out and says, I see you have taken command of this kingdom, but you're going to have to go through me. Yeah, that works. And he points at you. All the military raises their rifles and prepares to fire. I'd like to see you try. Is Glenn immune to bullets? Agent Spangin says,

So, yeah, what we need is one of you has to be the new king of hell because we have to do sort of a thing that we do is we come into a country and we reinstall a new leader. Blink, I think I feel like it should be you. I didn't. What do you mean? I didn't get you guys in here. Yeah. And he's not a good like king. I mean, yeah, it kind of hurts, but you're right. I mean, yeah, I mean, scary as our leader. I mean, not that I'm a good leader or that I would be a good leader of hell. Normal steps forward and says, I'll do it.

I'll be your king of hell. No, he won't. Taylor says, as you know, when it comes to taking over, it's important to keep the family line for continuity of rule. Ooh, that's an interesting, why don't you two, why don't you two fight it out? Both of us look at each other, fear, fear in Taylor's eyes. Like, what the fuck are we getting into? Why did I open my mouth? Oh,

Does a hell cage rises between the two of them? Why are we in the Noctagon? What happens if we just, can we be co-leaders of hell? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm okay with that. We only can control one person at a time in a country. It's a lot easier for us. You can control both of us. Well, let me put it this way. Hell is locked down, he says, looking at his watch. And he goes, none of you are leaving this place until we have a new leader for hell. Bring up the cage and a big lava cage. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Bars made of lava. He tries to run to get them. He's grabbing on. I was just saying stuff. I'm just getting my own way with my feelings. That was all that was.

Megan, what would your son think? It emerges and encircles both Normal and Taylor. Agent Schmagan says, yes, so only one of you gets to leave alive. Oh my God, boys are so stupid. Our days whisked away, but is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. You should tell myself it'll be all right. Life's like a sleeping dog.

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Either way, you're still supporting this podcast, so I'm like, I'm not going to get in your way if you want to, you know, pick up a digital download. I'm just saying one of these is a super great deal and the easiest way to get access to everything in one place. That's patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Have a look. Head on over there. See what we have on offer. You can find our social media links and more at dungeonsanddads.com. Our merch is at store.dungeonsanddads.com. And our next episode is coming at you November 21st. We will see you then. Pick up something and say, today, no, not today. Before tomorrow, bake something.

I think scary sees them crying and is like, pussy?