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Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Animehab. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons of new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kind of...
It's all kinds of stuff, dude. I was thinking solely anime. From Family Guy to American Dad, they've got it all. Solar Opposites, Hit Monkey, American Dad. Plus, watch some of the freshest animated series around, like The Great North, Grimsburg, Crapopolis, and so many more. If you're looking for a favorite animated show, there's only one destination you need to remember. Hulu Anime Hem. Your animation destination now streaming on Hulu. Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.
Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. She sure is holding this pool. Hey, babe, let me hop on that pool float with you before I freeze to death. Babe? Oh, no. You're thinking about it again, aren't you? James Cameron's 1997 international blockbuster feature film, Titanic. It won't stop happening. Whenever I get on a pool float that can't fit my boyfriend, I...
Haunted by James Cameron's 1997 international blockbuster feature film Titanic? Tired of losing your new soulmates to shoddy improvised flotation devices? Is your summer fun being sunk by constant visions of your lover's corpse in the icy North Atlantic? Hi, I'm
I'm Ron Stampler. And I'm his friend, Beth May. And we have just the thing for you. Introducing the Unsinkable Love Float for Two, a sophisticated two-person pool float engineered to stay afloat even when your love is overflowing.
The unsinkable love float will ensure both you and your third class lover have enough room to survive until a lifeboat comes to save you. A lifeboat of love, that is. Nice. Oh, and it's shaped like the door from Titanic because we thought that would be cute. That's right. Near, far, wherever you are, the unsinkable love float for two has just enough room for you and your heart of the ocean. In fact, the only hard part may be finding someone to share it with. Oh.
Ron, what are we? I don't know, Beth. I just don't know. Disclaimer, please don't sue us if you worked on Titanic the movie or Titanic the boat, and please don't steal our idea. This is gold. I'm telling you, it's gold, and it's not unsinkable. The float is not unsinkable. It can definitely sink, and it's just part of the name. Limits apply. Bye.
Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. A loose one, but a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. Regardless, this is a story of four teens from our world who all got married, summoned an eldritch god, maybe got married to the eldritch god. Anyway, we're trying to fix all the problems that our grandparents started. No, we definitely did not get married to the doodler. They were not involved in that. Dot, dot, dot. Yes! Yes!
My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift. Hey, now. The tiefling rogue. Oh, okay. Oh, so you did go rogue. I did go rogue. I'm just saying that that's like exactly what Ron was. But if you're going to go over there and call yourself an original, that's fine. I'm not calling myself an original. Taylor was influenced by the presence of one Ron Stampler. And...
I think, picked up on his stealthy energies. And you'll note in these last couple episodes, I've been carefully seeding the... No, yes. Two seconds ago, you said you were going to be a barbarian. Because that would have been funny. What are you excited about most for Taylor's class switch to Rogue? I think Taylor has discovered over the course of the adventure his love of hiding.
as things expect some more stealthy stuff you know less samurai more ninja watch this space under construction wow and also they're coming at you also i have min maxed my character sheet to some truly goofy numbers here so i can't wait to see everyone's responses to my great roles
It is so like on brand for a teen to like not like class and switch classes. Here's my favorite. Here's my favorite other sort of like move that he has. I now have a move called insightful manipulator. If you spend at least one minute observing or interacting with another creature outside combat, you can learn whether it is your equal
superior, or inferior in A2 of its IntWiz charisma scores or class levels. So you have the scouter from fucking Dragon Ball Z? Is that what you're saying? You can tell what level people are? Taylor has an innate sense of who he will be able to beat in a debate. Oh.
Taylor is also joining the big club. Taylor is reclassed as a Reddit atheist. Yeah. Taylor's going down the rabbit hole. Hey, guys, have you heard about this? Hey, guys, check out this funny lay me rage comic I found. I've just been watching a lot of YouTube videos while doing my own research. Hey, Lincoln, can I just touch your skull and see?
Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Boss Kicks. Wait, I don't even know. Lincoln M. Kicks, that's what it was. Lincoln M. Kicks. Yeah, Boss Lincoln M. Kicks. Lincoln the Boss M. Kicks. Lincoln the Boss M. Kicks. Schooled in prison, rescued by his friends, and now paladin for his spouse's... Survivor! Survivor of the Titanic. Unsinkable Lincoln M. Kicks. Wow. Lincoln is M. Kicks in this version of the podcast, but in the original Japanese, he's actually Vega. Vega.
Jesus Christ. Another one just for you, Anthony. Delightful. Quick fact about Lincoln back in his homeschool days. His favorite time of the year is that in order to kind of give a little bit of normalcy. Sorry, did you say my name? What's up? Yes. Hey, Lincoln, what's up? You said you called me? Yes.
What are we doing in the intro credits, Link? Hey, what's up? I don't know. I was just talking about how my dads would, even though I was homeschooled, one of my favorite days is they would do parent-teacher conferences, which were great because it was just Marco and Grant having dinner together while I could go do whatever I wanted. Wow! I heard you say my name, though. Oh. What a thrill. All right, I'm going to go. Man, we're a sister dynamic duo, you and I. Regular Laurel and Hardy over here. Woo!
Everyone, it's Will Campos. No! The piano's off! Everybody, it's Will Campos. The blues man. Back with a new chord I learned. This one is a G7. Here's a new chord. That's not A, dude. That's fucking G major 7. You nerd. You can't tell a G major 7 chord, Freddie. What do you get when you drop a piano down a... A flat minor? We get it. We know that one. We know that joke already.
Go fuck yourself. We're just warming up, baby. We're just warming up. I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oak. He's a perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky
Essential oils for hair growth, like lavender and peppermint, a little bit of lemongrass on there. And it's doubled in strand count from eight to 16. Ooh. God. Okay. And it's dinky, too. It's slightly longer, and it smells like lavender. Okay.
Okay. That's normal mustache. Everybody. You got a pair of tiny little scissors to trim it. He's going for like a Hercule Poirot thing right now is the plan. Working towards it. Yeah. Working towards. So for the little grass cells are like the two, like farthest, most little strands of the 16. Are those just getting grown out to get that little curl on purpose, but they have gotten curlier because of all of the weird stuff he's putting on. God. God.
Um, hi. I hate normal. Hi, my name is Beth May. Hi, Beth. Hi, could I get a cord, too? Oh, yeah, sure. Beth gets a... Ooh, Beth gets a...
Like a little G major 7. Or a D major 7. Okay, that's fine. A little bit of dissonance, but there's something poignant about it. Did you guys hear about this? I've heard there was a secret chord who... David played it. Please, please the Lord. My name is Beth May and I play Scary Marlow. Gothmung, Seeker of Darkness. Don't use a scary voice. Scary is scary. Oh, okay. Gothmung, Seeker of Darkness. He's a warlock. Doesn't want to care anymore. Oh!
also a survivor of the Titanic, wouldn't you know? Just found out that she's actually supposed to be level 12. Oh.
Oh, that's right. Hi, Anthony. You hear this? You hear this, Anthony? And I forget why. A fan told us not to because one of your levels you got was from winning in the Among Us episode. It had nothing to do with Willie. Yes. So you wouldn't have lost that level. Yes. So that's good. So she's back. And I wish I could remember who told me that so that I could credit them. But I am just going to run away with the credit myself because
Because I'm a bad person. Fun fact about Scary this week. Scary doesn't run errands. She walks them. She's got time, bitch.
Love it. Dang, dude. Really capturing that teenage energy in a way that we have not been able to. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hey, dad. Daddy's sick. Still got COVID. Dude, it's going to be wild because people listening to this are going to be like, wow, it's been COVID for two weeks. It hasn't been. So my dad fact, and I don't like to get too honest on here, but this is something I honestly, like with my whole heart, I believe this to be true. And I know it's not popular.
It's going to lose us a couple fans, but I'm just going to say it because I want to share my truth. And that is... I'm sweating. I know that I can fix Lauren Boebert. Oh!
I know that I could do it. Like with 100% certainty, I could fix that woman. And I know that to be true. Sick, twisted take. She was giving an over the pants hand job in a Beetlejuice musical. The woman is made for me. I know that two dates in, I could get her to be fucking a trans rights advocate. I'd get her to put away the guns and pick up flowers. I know I could do it. I just know I could.
And I'll never get the chance to. Not with that attitude. I'm putting it out of the universe. I'm fucking the secreting it. There are plenty of wonderful musicals in LA that I can take her to and get a pants handjob in. Yeah, Pantages won't kick you out for that. No, Pantages is like mandatory. It's in the name. It's in the name. Yo, did you get a Pantages at the Pantages last night? You know what I'm saying, bro? You got a pants for the ages, bro.
When we last left the group, you had managed to escape the memory of Grant and Marco's wedding day. The memory was of Scam Likely either intentionally or not intentionally getting Marco and Grant onto the Titanic.
to teach them a little bit something about love. In the process of doing so, they found a young child who they raised, who is Lincoln. As the Titanic went down, Grant vowed that he would take the chance and choose life and be with Marco, despite all of his fears about being a husband, and that he would make sure that his son, this new child that's entered their life, would never, ever, ever have to be exposed to the kinds of horrors that he has been exposed to. And then literally, by the way, he was exposed to not only horrors in general, but like literally the actual horrors.
Of the Titanic. Yes. Like how badly did Graham fuck up? Yeah. Like somehow the path took a fully back in time. He somehow went all the way back to the beginning and fucked up the thing that he couldn't have fucked up because of your age. Yeah. But in that moment, you were all ejected from the memory. A bunch of colored liquid seeps from the eyes of Daryl into the jar and you get a little bit more daddy magic in your daddy magic collection jar.
You also come back to see that a cadre of angels is staring over you, glaring angrily at you. Uh-oh. How can we tell, though? Because do they have... They have one eye and the eye is narrowed. Hey, hey. Hey there, guys. Come on, we agree. You're not supposed to just walk in. You didn't even knock. Yeah, we could have been doing our spaghetti pleasure. Yeah. It's like one of the rules in heaven. It's like...
Whatever happens in the rooms. Whatever happens in heaven stays in heaven. The eyelashes begin to unfurl and Daryl would know that the eyelashes are often how they, like a Venus flytrap, how they kind of capture things and move them from place to place. So Daryl would know. What are they reaching towards? They're reaching towards all of the kids. Hey, get back! I grab one of the big strands of spaghetti in my spaghetti pool and start waving around like a whip.
Like Indiana Jones, like, ah, not in my house, misters. Get out of here. You whip it too hard and you get a scar on your chin that explains where your scar in the later movies comes from. This is the scar I got in heaven. So the angels, they don't speak, obviously, but one of them comes over you, Daryl, and basically absorbs you into its pupil and closes its eye. This is the way I go. Oh, no, but Daryl. I love you, son. Love you, grandson. Grandson.
Don't worry, this place will be put together by the time you... It sort of raises itself up and throws itself back as if it's like swallowing a pill and vibrates a little bit. What? Oh my God. He swallowed Daryl? Oh no. Well, thank God I'm still here. Another one does the exact same thing to him. Oh my God! Oh.
What? But where did they go? They're already dead. They're already in heaven. Oh, God. I'm fading away. But don't worry because I have a feeling that I will return in your hour of need.
I'm going to cast locate creature. Describe a creature that is familiar to you. You sense the direction of the creature's location as long as it is within 1,000 feet, and I know the direction it's moving if it is moving. So I describe Daryl. I'm like, he's like this nice kind of older...
Burly-ish gentleman. He sort of looks like Grant, but, you know, like sort of like a kind of more rugged virgin. He's a real zaddy. Yeah, I guess he's got zaddy energy. Okay. Grand zaddy energy. He's a daddy. Beth, okay, thank you, Beth. He's a daddy. He's not a zaddy. Oh. I'm sorry. You just got to be realistic here. Who's saying that? This is Link. I'm just saying that I always heard he was a zaddy. Okay. Well, that's... Yeah. Okay.
Okay, maybe you remember. Beth May in heaven is saying all this. Yes. Okay, he's more of a daddy. Okay, so with your locate creature spell, do you have to roll for anything or it just happens? I think it just happens. Okay. But the components are a bit of fur from a bloodhound. You probably had a little bit of dander from Rogue. Yeah, that's true. I used some of Rogue's hair for the component of the spell for the only time we've ever done a component on this show. Dang, nice, dude. Fucking crunch. Love it. Fuck yeah. Okay, so the dander goes up in flames in your hand and you can tell that both Daryl and Ron
are still in heaven, but they are in a far-off zone known as the time-out room. Oh, no!
Oh, man. You guys realize like heaven kind of sucks. Yeah. A lot of people down on Earth work really hard to get up here. It's like not. I got to say, I was like, heaven can wait. You know? Yeah. I had a better time in the other place. I mean, the other place was sad for different reasons. Yeah. Do you think heaven has listening devices? Do you think they're spying on everyone? I mean, clearly those angels just showed up. So the angels are still here. They approach you all with their eyelashes outstretched.
And they are looking to encircle your bodies with them, like scoop you up with their big old eyelashes. So roll dexterity. Taylor does a back handspring. Five plus nine, 14. Okay.
Okay. Oh, I got a 16. I got a nine. 12. Okay, so everybody except for Scary manages to escape the tendrils of the eyelashes that are coming at you. Too bad, leave her behind. No! No! No! We can't! My scene partner! And he's going to run back and try to pull you through the eyelashes. He's going to roll.
And he is not strong enough to pull you through the eyelashes. My future life partner! And I chase after Hermie and grab him by the feet. Okay. I'm going to cast Disguise Self and make myself look like a big meatball. Okay. Because we're in the spaghetti room. Oh.
How do they know that they've got me and not just a big meatball? Interesting. Gary's got the right idea. After they grabbed you. After they grabbed you, though, you're grabbed. And the eye is literally looking at you as you do this because it's an eye. Well, is the eye hungry? Is the eye a hungry boy? Here comes the airplane. You can roll deception with disadvantage. Okay. I'll roll that. I'll take that chance.
All right, so that's 11 plus five. Jesus. Jesus, all right. So the eye panics and you feel its grip loosen on you. The eyelashes open up and you fall back down onto the ground and immediately Grant with tears still coating his eyes goes, run, we have to run. We gotta get out of here. And he kicks open the door out of Daryl's heaven and starts running.
And I go, and I got to throw down my smoke bombs, casting darkness. So darkness spreads around us for a 15 foot radius sphere to hide and cover our escape. I follow Grant out the door. I run. I use one with shadows. What is going on? Is that a demo thing? I thought, I was like, I thought Beth did that. I thought, I'm like, yeah, the way that you looked at me, I was like, what are you doing, bro?
Yeah, so I use one with shadows. When you're in an area of dim light or darkness, you can use your action to become invisible until you move or take an action or a reaction. Oh, until you move. Once you start writing, you'll... Yeah, but it seemed cool at the time. Oh, so what you want to do is we're going to all leave and you're going to just be inside the smoke bomb. Yeah, and then I'll just be with you.
Suddenly. You'll just stay in the noodle room. I'll bamf into existence like Nightcrawler. All right, so we're running out of beer? Yeah, you run out of Daryl's heaven room. All right, remind us what's right outside of this room again. It's basically a labyrinth of doors, a shitbuckload of doors for every resident in heaven. Open all the doors as we pass them! Okay. Okay, as we run, we're opening all the doors. And we're inside and then Taylor's yelling like, I'll fire
Fire alarm. Fire alarm. Everyone out. Everyone out. Fire alarm. Fire alarm. Tragically, this would be a really opportune time for a ranger to roll a nature roll so that they could see their way back to the original lobby that they came from. Oh, no. Taylor's left that life behind, dog. So really quick, as we're running, since where we are running will matter, the other grandparents, are any of them in hell? Nick's in hell, and theoretically, Terry Jr. might be in hell. Okay.
Okay, so should we just run back to the hell portal where I was being out of? Like, that would bring us to the next spot that we have to get to. That's true. That's a good idea. And we should know where that is. I want to fill up the hallway with a crowd so that the angels can, you know, probably get confused by everyone running around. Okay, roll deception because you're saying there's a fire. You're in heaven.
Two plus nine, 11. The people turn briefly away from their noodle-centric fantasies and see you running back, saying, fire, fire, fire, and they go, ugh, and they just shut the doors behind you and resume their moaning. Link screams. He goes, the big dog's back. God's back in the house, everybody. Come check out God. All right, now you roll deception. Musical guest, God. And Chris Kattan. You can't have it a mango. Ha ha ha.
Ladies and gentlemen, God. That's a five. So with a five, one guy steps out, cover it in olive oil, and then he goes, ugh, again.
shakes his head and goes back inside his room. This is not the first time he's been burned. He's been God boozled. At least we do know that God's not here, though. I want to roll Arcana to see if I can kind of sense what the angels are going to do with us if they capture us, because they may be just yeeting us into heaven or I mean, we're going to go to the timeout room. You already found out. I think I said this is the timeout room. I'm assuming so. This is they're going to do the same. We're not in heaven, right? Just because some guys in jail doesn't mean they're going to put you in jail. We're just visiting. I got a nine.
With a nine, you can't tell what it is, but you know it's not going to be the timeout room and it's not going to be good. Okay. Oh, all right. This might not work, but I cast Unseen Servant. The spell creates an invisible, which is boring. I think it should look like a little baby angel. A mindless, shapeless, medium force that performs simple tasks at your command. So I'm going to be like, show us where the hell portal is. Okay.
Okay. Don't we know where the hell portal is? Oh, I thought we didn't. You know vaguely where it is, but you probably got lost within the maze of doors and stuff. I'd be like, lead us to the hell portal. Okay. Okay. There's nothing you have to roll for? It just happens? Looks like, yeah, it just happens. Okay. Your little angel buddy goes, no problem. Follow me. And starts zooming through the halls of heaven. As we're running, and I'm going to try another thing for a distraction, is I'm going to cast...
divine sense because Lincoln's like you know what there's always people that slip through the cracks and divine sense lets me detect good and evil I want to see if there's anybody that shouldn't be in heaven so I can tattle on them what because the angels will go after them like maybe there's a bad guy in here I feel like tattling as an act immediately drops you into hell they love tattling in heaven though wasn't the bible's most famous snitch
Like, kind of vilified for that. Who? Pontius Pilate? Judas, dude. Judas, my man. My man, Judas. Wait, well, Judas wasn't a snitch, per se. Yeah, he was bad. He just turned into a betrayer. He was a betrayer. He was a businessman. What?
30 pieces of silver in that economy could go a long way. They're right, Freddie. What did he snitch? Like, hey, that's Jesus. They knew who Jesus was. Did you think the Last Supper was Jesus being like, guys, all right, don't tell anybody. Don't tell anybody. But we got to fucking move 10 kilos of this, okay? Just don't tell the authorities. This is my body. Let me see your body. You're wearing a wire. Oh, my God. Like, the Last Supper was like a table for like 13, but then like more people like found out about it and they're like, yeah, I had a birthday.
party, the sweet 33, but you weren't invited. And Judas was like, are you Roman? If you're Roman, you have to tell me.
So as Lincoln runs, he just wants to see if he can see if there's any evil here in heaven. Okay. There's no roll on detect good and evil? No, it's not roll, but that doesn't mean there is something evil. Maybe it's just so you can create a random chance of whether or not I find something evil. Let me roll something on my end. It just happens. I can sense anything within 60 feet and I can use this. Well, that's not that far. Yeah, but we're running down the hallway. So I'm assuming like I'm sensing left and right. Yeah. So it's just like for like a minute long, like, or whatever. Like, do I sense anybody? Uh, yeah. Yeah.
You sense a couple of evil people within running distance of you in this turn. You can see that there is a door on the left and a door on the right that will certainly lead to somebody who you would consider to be evil. Okay, so already I'm going to open up the door on the right.
to see what the evil eye sense in there. So you open the door on the right and you see, you see a podcaster. Oh God. Oh, at the setup. And he's fucking eating spaghetti on Mike. Oh God. He's a men's rights activist. Here we go. He doesn't believe that any people that we think are cool should be allowed to like vote. He's a really, really bad podcast is about spaghetti.
Yeah, the podcast. Listen, you got to separate the art and the artist. His podcast is a great spaghetti podcast, but he's... He cannot keep his opinions out of it. Kind of like when you're listening to a Dungeons & Dragons podcast, the guys won't stop talking about how leftist they are. Did you know that spaghetti came from ancient Rome? Do you know what else came from ancient Rome? Masculinity. That's right. The Olive Garden. This is what they took from you. When you're there, you are not family. Family with like a fucking V in it somehow. But he was hit by a car...
And was marked as an organ donor. And every single one of his organs went to somebody that saved a life. So he technically. And also those people were all great people. Yeah. Those people were all great. Shit. The cruel irony of his life is that every, every minority that he did not like, he saved one of their lives by the fact that he got each one of them invented a cure for a different kind of cancer, dude. Yeah. All right. Lincoln opens the door and he sees the guy and just knows right away. He doesn't belong here. And he's like, Hey,
Hey, this guy, this guy shouldn't be. This guy's evil. And the guy sees us and like, maybe you don't belong. And then I, and then I'm like, oh shit, it's too late. I already said he's evil. That's all I do. That's all I do. All right. Roll persuasion to see if you can convince the angels that they made a mistake. Freddie popped Taylor's head in. What? Cause he's Asian. Oh, Taylor walks by and looks at him Asianly. Roll intimidation.
It's intimidation. Ah, and Lincoln sees what they're throwing down. He goes, Hey buddy, they, they, they're all like that outside the doors here. We're all here.
And there's a lot of us. Eight plus nine, 17. Oh, my God. Okay. So you know how in a Christmas story they have them say fudge so you don't have to hear the F word? Yeah. Okay. Where are you going with this, bro? Careful, my friend. He's going to say, oh, darn, it's a person. And he's going to say a slur, a horrible slur. Yeah.
the angels are going to go and their pupils are going to dilate very, very, very big and they are going to bash their way into his room and start attacking him. Great. Hold on. Freddy's cooking over here. Would you say a slur if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and say some words I'll regret later on.
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We did the hydraulics thing, so I kept the mechanic vibe going. We got this, like, little, you golf, Freddy. You know how they pick up golf balls on the ground? You know, at the driving range? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built this, like, little, like, it's not a sweeper, but it's kind of like a little chompy. It looks like a little whale, not like a golf cart. Not like an armored killdozer golf cart. No, no, no. But it was fun to build, and you could decorate afterwards, so my daughter had a good time. But it's just, you know, it teaches something about mechanics and how gears work and stuff, and it's just fun to run around and, you know, play around.
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That's 50% off your first month at K I W I C O.com promo code daddies. Wow. You got a natural, I rolled a natural 20 to see if they would be distracted or not. And they, they are. Hell yeah, dude, they're just fucking eating. There's like passing them back and forth. Like those two T-Rex's and fucking lost the world. Like just like toss his body back and forth. And we just start running away. Yeah. So, uh, you managed to distract all the angels that were following you by just having that guy say a slur. So congratulations. Uh,
Guys, heaven's fucking crazy. Heaven's crazy. Yeah, one of them fucking blinks down on his arm and the arm just isn't there anymore. Another one blinks down on his leg and the leg just isn't there anymore. No blood, no nothing. But the guy's just like screaming. Okay, so yeah, I think we're just running to the hell portal, right? Are we running to the pee-pee room? Yeah, we're running to the pee-pee room. Hold on, one second, guys. Before we go there, as we're running. What's up, Taylor? We are in heaven.
Yeah. We should just like have a look around just in case there's some cool shit up here. I mean, you know, how many chances do you have? I do have one. There's so much spaghetti though. There's so much spaghetti. I mean, can we go into a room and then just close the door and see if the angels pass by us and then we can like explore freely? Just right now we're like getting chased. What would you like to do? Do you want to explore one of these rooms or do you want to go straight to the piss portal? Well, you said what? Will was saying that he had two things. So it's the peeing, but what's the other part? Okay, if we're going to try to lay low and hide from these angels because they could make us, they could, whatever's going to happen,
There's one person up here who is honor bound to protect any student of teen high. Okay. Who?
His name is Tony Pepperoni. Oh, man. I mean, like, that guy sucks. I don't think that guy's up here. Is that guy up here? He was baptized. I cast locate person. I cast locate creature again. Let that poor man sleep normal. All right, so Tony Pepperoni, you can see, is about a mile to the south of you. Okay. So far away, guys. Okay. There's got to be people movers or something, right? Do you want to go talk to him? I don't know. I thought maybe somebody. Who? Who?
Might have something to say to him. Why are you looking at scary? You remember what... Yeah, I know, but we've moved past that. It's all cool. Water under the bridge. I don't know if I call it. I'm just saying. He's in heaven, then. That's pretty good for him. That's great for him. Honestly, straight up, I'm sad he died, but I didn't think he deserved to get into heaven. To be fair, heaven's not that cool, so I guess he does deserve to be here. It seems like, Scary, you've turned over a new leaf a little bit, and if there was anything...
I don't know, anything you wanted to say to our beloved dearly departed vice principal, this would probably be the only time you'll ever get in your entire life to do it.
so i'm just put that out there i'm just putting out there we're on the run i get it there's a lot of pressure we're getting chased by angels we gotta go to hell but uh if we got a couple minutes uh maybe that's something we could do that's all i'm gonna say and then i yield the remainder of my time narc normal like this you want scary to go apologize to a teacher like yeah it's like kind of not metal it's not metal but okay what did um
Ease any, you know, would it ease your tummy ache? I mean, I... Would it ease your tummy? Gosh, darn it. Well, I guess when you put it like that...
I mean, yeah, it's like if it's just a couple minutes of our time, it's like, you know, it's no big deal. You know, just scary. I'm very proud of you. I just want to say that. And we're with you every step of the way. Whatever you need. You got this. We're proud of you and we support you. He kind of peer pressured her into it. Yeah, I know. It's like I feel weird about. But OK, it's fine. I want to do it. I want to. I want to. I want to do it. OK, give two big thumbs up to the guys like this. Yeah.
And we kind of narrow our eyes like, this is a new level of narc, heretofore unseen level of narc I haven't experienced before. I'm narcing on Scary to her own conscience. Dog. The adults are like, did Scary kill the guy? I mean, she didn't.
No, shut up. Let who is without fucking sin throw rocks. Fair enough. All right. Fair enough. Lark says he got me there. Let's just go. Let's just go. Let's do this. People movers in heaven. Come on. Give me something. Moving sidewalk. Little cool pods. All right. We're trying to save everybody. Let's do this. Fine. Let's run. Let's run fast. As you run with purpose, the cloud beneath you does like the if Bugs Bunny's on like a red carpet, he goes like.
And like the carpet like sort of like piles up behind him or whatever. And then you head off. You can feel the clouds underneath you piling up behind you. That's good because none of us take gym seriously. So if we had to run a mile, we'd be here. Lincoln's a fucking soccer player. Lincoln's running like a 430 mile. Lincoln's like 430.
That's insane. You're right. It's only like a 530 mile. No, no, no. Actually, new team fact. Lincoln should be a professional sprinter and his track star, but he loves soccer too much. I will say, there is a YouTube video that says, how can I run a sub 430 mile on my first attempt in this school? I mean, sub four is insane because that's professional. 430 is very fast, though. It's professional.
I'd say Lincoln could run in sub five though. He's very in shape. Lincoln's fucking there. Almost immediately the rest of us are wheezing and cat. Well, actually, no, I guess it's probably Lincoln then scary and then we know who's bringing up the rear. Okay. Normal and Taylor. No, no, no. You, you, you've done like handsprings and stuff. I think
It's me and Herman. We also decided that all the teams are out of shape. I forgot that you were, somehow I forgot that you were a soccer guy. So dude says, wait, do we need to go fast? Yeah, go fast. We do need to go fast, dude. Can you like touch my hand? I touched. Okay. I touched dude's hand. He goes, uh,
and stretches his arm forward like Michael Jordan at the end of Space Jam and then just very quickly grabs the ground and just yoinks you all forward so that you're pretty much where you want to be right outside Tony Pepperoni's house. Oh, hell yeah. Wow! Your stomach churns within you. You immediately feel intense nausea, but you are there in the snap. Everybody's on the ground. Link's going to roll Perception just to, I want to make sure nobody's following us, you know? Like, just are we clear? Good idea. Watch our six. Yeah, roll Perception. And is this wing any appreciably different than the rest of Heaven? No, it looks pretty much the same.
The exact same thing. More spaghetti, I told you. Do you think he's happy here? Because he was a pizza guy. I got four. Guys, it's clear. I hope so. There's no angels anywhere, as I can see. Okay. Excellent. Hey, Link. You're doing a good job. Okay.
Scary. Do you want to knock? I just want to, it feels like morale is a little weird right now. So I just want to, we should all go into this with positivity. Okay. Yeah. I just want to move on with, you know, okay. Okay. Do you really want to give me positivity or do you want me to say thank you so that you feel good about yourself?
Normal tries not to cry. Oh, shit. Get him, get him, get him. Sparrow opens his arms for a hug in case Normal needs one. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Sorry. Sorry. I didn't mean it. It's just like this is. Okay. I'm sorry. No, it's like Tony Pepperoni opens the door. He's wearing a kiss the cook apron. He has a couple of mittens on his hands and there's a giant brick oven pizza behind him. And he goes, Margarita, you're here. Oh, oh, it's you. It's you. It's you.
What do you want? Hi. I'm not sure if you remember me. Oh, you're the last thing I remember. Yeah, I was a student of your. I mean, I went to the school that you were a principal at. Yeah. And then you killed me or you let a guy kill me. Oh, yeah. There was that as well. And so I was just wondering, can I come in? Roll persuasion.
That is nine plus five. So 14. He goes, whatever you have to say to me, you can say here. Okay. Smells great in there, Mr. P. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, we miss you, Mr. P. Thank you. I love your apron. I think it's pretty cool that despite everything, you got into heaven. Well, no, you know, we're all not perfect. Anyways, I'm glad you're here. What a weird underhanded compliment. What the fuck was that?
I said what I meant. I can't blink as hard as I can in a light. Guys, wait. I have something to say. Okay, sorry. Mr. Pepperoni, when I killed you, I wasn't myself or I wasn't thinking or I... Actually, I was myself and...
I was thinking pretty clear, but there was a couple things I didn't know yet that I know now. And I killed you, and I didn't think about, you know, like, you know, what it would do to your family. And I didn't realize they would leave this, like, this, like, hole, like, around, like, where your life had been, where people were, like...
holy shit, like that guy was annoying, but then he's gone and there's nothing and there's no place to put everything that I felt about him. And so when I thought about it like that, I thought that was a pretty shitty thing that I did to you. And so I realize now that I had no right to do that to you.
your family and you, and I had no right to, to act that way to my friends. And I know that it doesn't actually make anything better because you're still dead and, and there's nothing I can do. And, um, and, uh, I know you don't want to hear about how, like, you know, how I feel bad or whatever, but I, I just, I just want you to know that, um, um, that, um,
I didn't realize how much you mattered until you weren't there. And so I just want to tell you that you did matter. And I'm so sorry. His brow is furrowed and his jaw is set. Roll persuasion one more time.
Ooh, I got a good one, unfortunately. I did get a 19 plus 5. Shit. Which I think is not the moral to take away from, you know? Well, he says, I guess it took some amount of courage to come here knowing that you killed me and knowing that that almost certainly guarantees you're not going up here later in life.
So I assume this is not just for you. This is for this is a genuine apology. So thanks. Oh, you don't have to say thanks or whatever. But I mean, that's all you're getting. I don't forgive you for murdering me and leaving my daughter without a dad. You know what? That's fair. She started a pretty cool podcast, though, about your murder.
I'm just saying she's doing anyways. No, I'm just saying like Margarita is like she's really sad, but I just thought you should know that your daughter and your wife are doing. If you have anything you want to say to them, we're going back to her. That's probably better. You want to if you have anything you want to give them or say to them, we can get them
the message to them yeah because actually i was going to say that like she's doing well but actually she's not doing well because she's spending her whole time doing the podcast okay i'm sorry i'm sorry for saying these things i'm not like anyways i'm sorry for that that's not that's a smaller apology compared to killing you i'm sorry apart from the very brief period of time where we were all watching anime together and i felt like i had a friend group my man you guys have been the worst thing that ever happened to me
Okay, well... Sorry, sorry, just real quick. Can I ask you something? What? Did it hurt? Like, not like when you were actively dying, but then after, and actually, yeah, the whole, did it, how bad did it hurt? It didn't feel great. Okay. But then it felt like nothing, so it was fine. It was like walking into another room. Okay. Okay.
Cool. Well, thanks. Thanks for your time. Thanks for not making that a pickup line. I wouldn't try to pick you up. That's entirely inappropriate. Can I ask a question? Fine. Since you've been up here, have you changed any of your opinions about certain people and things? Since we last heard about you. What? He's a bad person. You don't remember this?
And they literally said he was racist right before he died. Oh, yeah. I don't give a shit about this guy. Yeah. He's dead and he's in heaven. Good for him. Heaven really fucks up stories, right? Because it's like, yeah, then he died and he's in heaven. You're like, well, that's literally the best possible ending. Heaven's fucking lax. Link looks that scary and he does not care about this guy, but Link's just happy that scary feels a little better. No, I'm still racist. No.
Yep, I thought so. I'm only up here because I got baptized and because I thought about my kids as I died. Apparently that's all it takes, so. And you love Italian food. And I love Italian food, so there's a little cheat code for you there, kids. Heaven's fucked up. Can I ask you like another question? Oh my God, what? Knock, knock. Who's there? I eat mop. I eat my who? No, it's I eat mop. I eat mop?
You gotta say it. I eat my poo. No, goddammit, no! So that's what you do in there all day. I got him. Mission accomplished. What?
Mr. Pepperoni, it seems like we've pretty much, this seems like this conversation's running its course. I just want to say as a student of the school that we miss you and it's been an honor and a privilege, sir. And again, if you do have anything you want to pass on to your wife and kid, I as a steward of Teen High will deliver the message to them and I kneel. I think the best gift I could give to my wife and child is to ensure that you never speak to them again. So no. Okay, fair enough. All right, well,
Goodbye, sir. Link leans over his car. He's like, I think the best gift he could give his wife is die. Because remember, she was not a fan of his at all. Yeah. That's just for scary. That's just for scary. And Tony Barberoni slams the door. And all the cool items and stuff that he had in there go unused. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Do you leave a key under the mat? No. Oh. Can Link roll perception to see if he saw the items as he was closing the door? Yeah.
You got 13. All right. With 13, you'll see one item. Let me see. Hey, guys, I know that was a kind of weird conversation, but he did have useful items in there. Do you want to get anything in there? No. I want to respect the man's privacy. I was just coming over here. What's he going to do though? A nice little character growth moment for us. Maybe our friend could unburden some of her demons. Well, she did. But then you guys ruined it.
by being big jerks. Well, no, but she still got what she needs. Scary, did you get what you came for? I don't know. I guess. Dang, you know, sometimes it be like that. No, it feels like you don't get what you came for. Because I did what I wanted to do with there, but it seems like you wanted to get something from telling Scary to go get an apology and you're mad that we didn't do this. Oh my God. It's like when Grant would always like- Fine, fine, fine. Guys, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to all of you. I know there's nothing I can do that can make it better, but I'm going to try to not be such an ass, and I'm going to try to be nicer, I guess. And I just know that I was just beyond shitty, and I know that the reason doesn't matter, but I just didn't know really who I...
And it turns out, actually, I was pretty clearly just a piece of shit. And now I'm trying to not do that. And I know that I really hurt you. And I'm so sorry. Oh, thanks, Gary. Thanks, Gary. You've been pretty awesome. You happy with that normal? Damn, Taylor. I mean, even I was mad, but like.
That felt like. Thank you, Scary. I appreciate that. I'm sorry, Norm. I got upset. I just feel. Dude says, you seem nice. I haven't known you for very long, but you seem nice. So that's good. No, dude, I'm a bad girl. And it's not cool to be a bad girl. No, I know, but it's not.
It's just, yeah. Look, we've all done bad things and there's some pretty bad people in heaven even. So like, I don't even know of like what we understand as morality is even like, like why we're trying to save the world right now. So that's pretty good and scary right now. You're trying to save the world with us. So that's pretty good. Right. And I consider you a friend and like, I think that's pretty cool. So, you know, it's just like, you know, it's weird as I keep thinking about how, like, you know, Terry always said he was proud of me, but he never knew me when I was somebody to be proud of.
So I think we're going to see him again. We might find him. Yeah. So the item that you saw inside Tony Peroni's house was the fuck you dad great sword, which was sent to us by the Raven King. Thank you. The Raven King. It is a plus one great sword that has advantage on all attacks when it strikes a figure of authority.
The blade itself is incredibly dark, gothic, and unbelievably edgy. Within it lies a spirit of pure teenage rebellion. Well, it's not over yet. So guys, I know this is a little awkward because this is a lot of feelings right now, but I do have to say what I saw in there was like a pretty cool sword that specifically fought authority. Well, I have a question for you. Do you think we could get in there? Speaking of your relationship with authority, how you doing, man?
Who are you talking to? You. Me? Yeah. Oh, you know. I don't know. My dad's loving me. That's cool, I guess. Yeah. It's pretty crazy that there's already a movie made. Everyone's getting nice little... Yeah, all right. I knock on the door. As Grant and Sparrow are about to say something, you knock on the door and Tony Pepperoni opens it. And he goes, what? What?
Mr. Pepperoni, look, I can read the room. I know that we're, again, the last people you want to see, but we're on a mission of grave importance for the fate of the universe. And as much as it pains me to say it, the lives of your daughter and your wife may hang in the balance, along with everything and everyone else that you hold dear in your racist heart, and even the races you don't like. But some of them you probably still like, you know? People are complicated that way. Yeah, I sexualized some of them. Oh my God. Oh my God.
We need that sword, sir. For the good of the land. Roll persuasion.
That's a 15. All right, with a 15, he goes, as long as it means I don't ever have to see you kids again, I will do whatever it takes. By my troth and by my honor as a teen, I give you my word. Fucking fine. So he goes and he grabs the great sword. He goes, I was using this to fight a dragon because I wanted to fight dragons. It was fucking awesome. So yeah, I guess you could have it. I guess I'm bored fighting dragons now. I'm on to new shit, like making pizza. Okay.
That's what really heaven is, just a lot of time for hobbies and shit. All right. Well, that sounds healthy. And I hope you find what you're looking for up here. And I take this word. So, so far, seems like heaven is nothing but a bunch of solitary men doing hobbies. Wow. The dream. Let's go, guys. Let's get out of here. Okay. Normal dejectedly drags the sword away as he walks off towards their next objective.
Okay. It's like kind of scraping along the ground. Is it kicking up cool sparks, though? It's kicking up the coolest of sparks. Cool sparks from the clouds. Can Doodler fast travel us to the portal? Awesome. Doodler with all the power of Starfield, the latest Bethesda game. Hey, Doodler, it appears that we're 250 meters away from the door. Can we just... Yeah, no problem.
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So he takes you back to the dolphin area and the dolphins all see their favorite guy, piss boy gum toucher. And one of them goes, okay. Yeah. And a bunch of dolphins come over and go, okay. And they're flippers together waiting for you to whip it out. You're somewhat of a celebrity. I'm going to miss you guys. You really helped me during a hard time. Um, you didn't see me at my best, but, uh,
Whatever I do for the rest of my life will make you proud when I get back up here. If I get back up here. Oh, God. Oh, I'm so lucky. You know what? I wasn't sure if I believed in heaven or not, but now I know I got some friends up here if I do make it. So there's something worth fighting for. Thanks a lot. Oh, thank you.
Thanks, guys. Oh, man. Hey, you guys. One of them lowers its head to you as if asking to be Pat. Oh, ask him if he wanted me to knight it. Oh, knight him. Knight him really quick with the new sword. Oh, yeah. I grabbed the sword. Excuse me. I'm holding that. Oh, can I knight this dolphin? Whatever. Okay. I'll be right back. I go to you, Flippy, the greatest of my friends. I knight you a friend to all humankind forever.
And just a good boy. You're a good one. And I knight him. I go, here's your sword back. Normal's already jumped into the portal right now. Oh, shit. Okay, guys, let's go. Let's go. Okay. Flippy starts pissing. Oh. Wow. Because you taught him. I taught Dolphins how to piss. Yeah.
These dolphins lived in heaven. They didn't have to piss. It's like a dead poet society, but they're all sitting up and pissing on the desk. Oh my God. All right. Lincoln Falls is normal. You zoom down towards hell. Even plummeting from the heights of heaven, you can see down in hell there are some flashing lights beneath red and blue. And you see what looks to be a sort of ambulance next to the gates of hell. Somebody is loading up a demon with a big...
hiss punched hole through its skull into a gurney and they're putting the gurney into an ambulance. Wow. Yo, is he going to be okay? And Link checks his pants for any piss stains. Make sure there's no blood on the hands. Gunpowder residue, baby. You gotta give. I think you were probably for pissing for long enough that the stains have dried up. So I think you're good. Like,
I'm going to hit you with a black light. You all land outside the gates of hell. No fall damage. No fall damage. Not in hell. And there's a bunch of hell cops and hell ambulances sort of posted up outside the gates of hell. Hell cops. Hey, that guy, that demon that died, he was bad, right? I talked to the ambulance driver. The ambulance driver goes, the demon? Yeah, he's bad. I figured. This is hell, so yes. I know, but we went to heaven and some people in heaven were bad too. Oh yeah, heaven's got some crazy bad rules about who gets to go in and who doesn't. What?
Oh my god, I love this guy. He's bad. He's a bad guy. I'm assuming that means there's also good people in hell too, right? Oh, many good people in hell, yes, for sure. Oh, okay. Oh, man. Well, then what's the point of the dichotomy? I don't know. Nothing matters anymore. I didn't make the rules. You just blindly enforced them. That's what I thought. He's not a cop. He's a living. Oh my god, he sounds like Bartok.
From Anastasia. Beth, you're so Bartok pill. I know. I'm a Bartok cell. Hey, buddy, you can just... I'm assuming since you have this ambulance, you got free pass through hell, right? Is that how ambulances work in other worlds? Once you're driving an ambulance, you can just do whatever you want? I mean, if you're in an ambulance and you got the sirens on, I think most places will let you through is my point. Okay, yeah, I guess that's true. That's fair. I'm just wondering. Guys, I'm just wondering if this is a good... We get in the ambulance and then we can drive however we want through hell.
Yeah. I guess we could do that. I don't know. I'm just trying to think of a way to get through this. So just to be clear, you want to steal the wheels from this paramedic who is actively caring for the person you shot through the head. I was just thinking D&D game style is how this thing actually works. Scary doubles over. Ow, my stomach. It hurts really bad. I think I need to go to the doctor.
to a hell hospital or something and I need to get there in a hurry. Roll deception. But remember, hell has privatized healthcare so that they're uniquely financially incentivized to give people ambulance rides. Oh no, my rich friend is passed out. I got 16. Yeah.
He goes, oh, you got a bad belly thing. I can charge you a great deal for the ride in the ambulance if you want. I'm coughing up blood too. And she turns out her pockets where like some red sauce falls out and then also a giant meatball.
Oh, God. Look what she just coughed up. And she smears the sauce on her mouth. She's like, please help me and this giant meatball get into this ambulance. Hey, buddy, can some of your friends help pick her up? And I look around thinking we could do the same scam as last time. See if he has anybody working with him. I mean, yeah, I got my other guy that's driving the ambulance with me. Hey, come here. Hey. And he's going to call out the name of his partner.
Actually, these guys seem pretty money motivated. We could probably just pay them for the end of this. Hey, come over here, Titty Rogers Jr. Titty Rogers Jr.? Yeah, that was sent to us by somebody calling themselves Titty Rogers Jr., so thank you for that. Wow.
They put their own name in? Hell yeah. So, yeah, come over here. We need to load in this girl who's got the bad stomach ache. We can put her on top of the guy because he's not coming back. He got some holy water through the head. That's a DLA if I ever have seen one. Okay, well, my spouses need to come with me. Yes, we are next of kin. That's true. We have power of attorney. Yeah. Oh,
All of us. If she has a fatal tummy ache. And then my in-laws. And then this eldritch cod. And our friend from school. Yeah, we can't leave her. Roll persuasion. That's a lot of people to go in one ambulance. I don't know. 16 plus 5. Okay, come on in. Hey, while we got you guys here, it would be honestly...
It'd be most useful to us if we could just have that. Yeah, since we're mostly in here, we outnumber you, so. What are you, going to go to threats now? I was just going to drive you to the hospital. No. So I was thinking, I was thinking you guys seem like stand-up guys, hell speaking wise, like compared to a lot of people in hell. So I just thought I'd be honest with you, like,
Look, we got to do some stuff in hell. You don't want to know about it. If it's in hell, it's probably not good, right? Well, I mean, okay, sorry. Oh, what's up, Scary? Okay, so if... One second, I need to talk to my wife. What's up? Oh, yeah. My husband is talking. Okay. So, okay, dude can use their speed thing to like get us around. So why do we need... Well, dude could also use the speed thing to just yeet these guys somewhere else. Oh, no, it's a good idea. Sometimes I feel like I just like, I just like march ahead and I don't tell you guys what I'm thinking. So here's what I was thinking.
is like, if we're in the ambulance, we just go up to the gates and we say, oh, hey, we got a heart attack call for Terry. Right? They'll just point us to the direction of who we're looking for. And we turn on the sirens and they'll just let us like drive through. I have a question. Yeah. I turned to Nick.
the prince demon of hell that's with us right yeah hey thanks guys for asking for my help yeah i um you're from here right yeah oh hey hey mr nick don't give a sass you've been here this whole time and haven't said a single thing i've been waiting for you guys to talk to me i didn't want to take over the story no no that's just my dad playing on his phone okay
So you like my ambulance idea? It's just been on fucking Marvel Snap. Marvel Snap the whole time? Yeah. How you doing the Marvel Snap, Dad? Real good. I got a Mr. Negative deck that's fucking killing, bro. Wow. So if you drive an ambulance, will they just let an ambulance drive around if it's got the alarms and says it's going towards somebody? Yeah, it's pretty much like Earth. Yeah, okay. But can't you just say that we're with you and then we can just get in here? Well, no. You guys aren't allowed to go back in. But you're a demon. Aren't there special rules for you? There's special rules for me, but not for you. I can't sneak you in again without provoking my- Your dad has no juice in hell. Normal. Hey.
Guys, normal. We went to go... No, stop! Hey! You got shit to say about my dad. You got shit to say to me, my man. You want to throw down right here, right now? We can do it. I mean...
Taylor's already like rolling his sleeves up. Okay. I don't, I mean, you know, I'm just, I'm just saying it seems like your dad, you know, it doesn't, doesn't really like, he seems like kind of a wuss down here. Whoa. What? I just, I hold Taylor. Hold me back. I just say it like he's from, he's a Prince from hell. Like you'd think you'd be able to get somebody in, right? And Nick start free vegan ice cream at the vegan ice cream shop. That my dad has so many cool decks in Marvel snap. He could defeat anybody. Honestly,
phone and any of these phone games. So if you want your teeth still in your mouth, I can kick the shit out of your dad. And I did. Yeah. My dad can beat up your dad. I mean, okay. Yeah. Like, Hey, fuck you. Don't talk to my son that way. Oh, they both accidentally say that simultaneously.
And they stand in front of you and they get in Nick's face and it goes, oh, do we fucking have a problem again? And Lark goes, I don't know. Are we going to have a problem again? And Spirit goes, guys, guys, guys, let's calm down. But yeah, I think we might have a problem again. Don't say shit to normal. You don't talk to normal, OK? He's ours. I'm talking to normal. Normal's what started it. Don't talk to my son. Well, you know, maybe I'm sick of you pushing me around, Taylor. I haven't pushed you around once. Yeah, you have. Yeah, you have.
Probably, like, when I'm not looking, you're probably pushing me around when you talk to Lincoln, scaring all that crap. Just because you're jealous of the cool relationship I have with everybody, the cool dynamics I have with everybody, doesn't mean you can take it out on me. I ain't jealous. I don't have the cool dynamics with anybody. That's your problem, my man. Don't take it out on me, the coolest guy.
All right, fine. That's what I thought. Walk away. Walk away. Okay, guys, look. Well, normal, maybe we have a cool dynamic when I came up with a cool plan to do an ambulance. After we did your plan to force Gary to say sorry to a racist asshole, I was like, I came up with a cool plan, and you didn't like... Taylor, he would be like, let's do it. That sounds cool. And you were just like, oh. Yes, I go along with him. And then even after his dad was like, that's a good idea, you were like, oh. So, you know, I don't know.
You're my friend and my husband and everything. But like, I just wish like sometimes you support like cool plans. Dude's like they're arguing. Where are they arguing? I thought they liked each other. They do. They're arguing because like this is like a really important thing that we're trying to do. And so there's a lot of different ways it could go. And I think that makes people nervous. And so I think when people are nervous, they act in ways that are kind of like dark and twisty and kind of metal, to be frank, but mostly unfriendly.
Okay, do I kill one of them or no? No, no, no, no, no, no. Normal is just like his eyes are welling with tears and something's like clearly eating him up inside, but he doesn't know how to express it. And he's just like, I just, you know, I just, you know, you know, just...
You guys go. I'll stay out here. You guys go. You guys go. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. Yeah, you guys go have fun. You guys go have fun. I'm done. It's just, it's fine. It's fine. What you're saying is crazy. You gotta come with us, man. Yeah, you gotta come with us. Let's talk about it in the ambulance after we've either paid these guys or beamed them up. It's up to them. Hey, what is this about beating me up? Come on, man. What? Beating?
you up with these dollars. Dad, dad, dad. I'll pull out my hell box shirt. No problem. Nick takes out a couple of flaming coins. He goes, surely this will allow you to look the other way for an afternoon of joyriding. How much damage could they really do, kids? Come on. He's going to roll persuasion. And we'll bring the ambulance back to you. And we'll bring the ambulance back. You rolled a 17. Wow. The paramedic is like,
all right, but just make sure it's in the same condition that you brought it in when I gave it to you. Yeah, we promise. Okay, well, wait, wait. If you're going to say that, let's be clear about this. And Link pulls out a little pad of paper and he draws a little car, like two sides of the car. He's like, let's go through and check all the dents. We'll walk around, check, walk around. How many dents are there on this thing? I don't want to pay for this. I roll perception to do the rental car walk around. All right. That's a 19. You do a perfect recreation of the car drawn in three dimensions on Link's notepad.
You see the two of them be like, damn, I was going to try and get that dent fixed from them. Yeah. They're upset at how good the drawing is. Okay. We'll wait for you here, I guess. Can you dad's drive and maybe us teens, we can have a little couple talk in the back because it feels like. Yeah. Is that cool? Is that okay? Normal. So normal has gone around the corner and he's come back dressed in the teeny, the teen outfit. You can't see. He's just an impenetrable, gritting, rictus mask of teeny, the teen. No, we're good. We're good.
good. We're great. Let's go, guys. Let's have a fun adventure. This is going to be great. Me and my three best friends and my future boyfriend and our non-Euclidean friend over here. We're going to have a fun time with my dads. It's going to be so fun, guys. It's going to be great. Let's go. And he pushes past you all to climb into the ambulance. And there's the body still in the ambulance.
Yeah. We're all, I follow. Oh, that's fun. You hear it from normal as he opens and sees the mangled corpse of this fucking demon. I walk in and even though it's a demon, like stares at the hole in the demon's head that he created with his piss. Grant immediately tries to put his hands over your eyes. He goes, don't look, son. It's okay. It's okay. You don't have to look. It's impossible not to look in a mirror. And I just stare.
Oh no, son. Oh no, my boy. I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. Oh no. Dad, you're supposed to be driving. Get in the front. All right, I'll get in the front. This is only for people who are married. I try to grapple Norm. Okay, roll athletics. I got a 15. I got a 19. That's fucked. And so Normal clearly knows what's going on, but he plays it off like you're trying to hug. And he's like, hey, yeah, I love you too, Scary. Yeah, it's great. Hey, yeah, all right. Yeah, I am trying to hug you. Yeah, I'm trying to hug you too. So good hug, good hug. We're great. I really appreciate the hug. That's great. And I sit in the corner.
Cool. Staring at the wall. Normal turns the head around so that he's sitting forward, but the head is staring at the corner. I'm a little sleepy, guys, so I'm just going to sleep. I'm just going to sleep until we get to where we're going, okay? Okay. Scary, what's up? Was I too mean to Normal? No, I just...
I just think Norm's going through like his own thing, you know? Well, I mean, it's unfortunate because we can't do this without him. Yeah, man. If he was awake, I would tell him that he's pretty awesome. But he's asleep. He's asleep. You really? That's right. I'm asleep. You really hate to see it. Oh, I'm so asleep. Yeah.
Can you guys roll perception, please? What? Excuse me? Just like everybody in the ambulance. The dads roll a 19. Natural one. Six. I got six, by the way. What don't I see? I got an 18. So next is scary. The large meatball unfolds and says, what?
Wow. What a journey. What? Wait, how big was that meatball in your pocket? Big enough, bucko. What? Hi. I have returned in your hour of need. Just like I said. Wasn't it good that I said that? But anyways, I'm here and you need me for the daddy magic anyway. So what's going on, kiddos? Wait, is Daryl in the other pocket? Grandpa? Yeah, I got some bad news about your grandpa. Oh, no. Oh, my God.
You just left him? He's still in the timeout room. Is the timeout room bad in heaven? It's great, kiddo. And I rolled deception. And I get a 14. I'm going to roll wisdom. This is what's known as the Santa Claus check. I got a natural 20. Oh, no. So what other timeout would I do? Oh, okay. Okay, I've never been there, right? Okay, yeah. Yeah, as soon as I saw those angels and I chickened out and I just...
I, they're all strong. He'll figure it out. No, this is, Oh yeah. We're going to go find Terry Ron. That's great. My beautiful boy. Yeah. He's in hell. Yo, which is a matter of fact, I wasn't trying to say that was a judgment thing. I'm just saying we're here. As established, you could be a good guy in hell. So Nick jumps onto the CB radio and asks, does anybody have eyes on a recent entrant into hell? His name is Terry sampler, Jr.
And then after a bit of static that you can't really make out, he goes, oh yeah, he's in the Plains of Misery. He went straight there after arriving. Nick goes, yeah, I know where that is. Yeah, all right, everybody buckle up. And he presses a button on the dashboard and the ambulance goes, bitch! And the entire ambulance gets sucked down. It's like a novelty horn. Yeah, gets sucked down into the worst hell. Whoa!
Okay, great. Ron looks really excited and Scary looks really not excited and is like, okay, great. So I'll just, we'll see him soon then. Ron clocks this and is like, hey, Kudo, you scared to see your old stepman or something? Stepman? Scary's like, I just don't know what to say to him. Like, you know, like,
Here's the thing. Like, Terry used to do all this shit that, like, annoyed the shit out of me, you know? Like, he'd say, do you want to come to dinner? And I'd be like, no. And he'd be like, are you sure? You know, like, doubting what I wanted, you know? And it was so annoying because then I'd kind of be like, damn, am I sure? And now it's like nobody's asking me. So, like, I've never been more, like...
like unsure and you know I I think he saw like a really bad side of me you know well maybe he saw who you could be plus uh not everyone's as good at scoring goals as you are kiddo so he had a lot to be proud of even if you don't think that leans over to normal he's like hey normal but buddy
I know you're sad, but I just need to talk to another spouse. Okay, I'm just going to assume you're listening. I'm just not, I'm not going to remember. We should be better. We should be making dinner more often. And asking Scary if she wants dinner. Okay, cool. Good talk. Hey, Taylor. Yeah, hold on. I'm looking for rowdy injectables. Roll investigation.
I rolled a four plus two six. I can't find shit. Hey, Link, have a look. Okay. Look for things with long, scientific-sounding names. Can you check on... And cross-reference these on WebMD. I'll look for that, and you check in with Normal to see if he's asleep or just mad. Okay, all right, all right. Well, you search the drawers for injectables. I got an eight.
You can't find any either. There's nothing. It's just gauze and shit. Well, I guess I'll just load my pockets up with whatever the fucking... What can I get? What can I get? It's a hell of an ambulance. They don't fix people. They just take them and say, you're going to hell. They just drive them to the hospital. I go up to normal, the teen in teen costume, and I give him a big, strong pat on the back. Normal. Now he's asleep. He's asleep, Link. No, that's not sleep. That's the silent treatment.
So the hell ambulance comes screeching to a halt on the plains of misery. Hey, we're here, bud. A large, flat surface. The ground is nothing but skulls and bones inlaid with each other. Oh.
Missouri. Best barbecue I've ever had. There's St. Louis and Kansas City. I don't get it. Missouri. Missouri. Oh, Missouri. Wow, man. That was good. One of the 50 states jokes. Holy shit. Check that one off the old list. 49 to go. Wow, I'm better than Super John. You can see the silhouettes of two people locked in combat.
- Combat! - Oh. - As the ambulance gets closer, you can see that one of them is Terry Jr. holding a flaming sword. And you can see that the other is Glenn Close holding a flaming guitar. You can overhear one of the shadows, the Terry Jr. shaped one, say, "Now finish it!" And the two of them run screaming at each other, their weapons held high, and they bring them down in a horrible clash.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
We can't change. We gotta pick ourselves today. No, not today. Just start back tomorrow.
Dungeons and Daggers is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlowe. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Taylor Swift. And special thanks this week to The Raven King and Titty Rogers Jr. for providing names that we used in this episode. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicola is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This podcast is directly supported by our Patreon people with fine names like Alan Devlin, Eric Huffle, Mac N.,
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