S2 Ep. 43 - Attack on Titanic
01:02:52 Share

This podcast is brought to you by eHarmony, the dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. Why doesn't eHarmony allow copy and paste in first messages? Because you are unique and your conversations should reflect that.

eHarmony wants you to find someone who will get you. How are you going to know who gets you? If people send you the same generic conversation starters, they message everyone else. Conversations that actually help you get to know each other. Imagine that. Get who gets you on eHarmony. Sign up today.

Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Anime Ham. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kinds of

kinds of stuff dude I was thinking solely anime from Family Guy to American Dad they've got it all solar opposites hit monkey American Dad plus watch some of the freshest animated series around like the Great North Grimsburg crapopolis and so many more if you're looking for a favorite anime shows there's only one destination you need to remember Hulu and the mayhem your animation destination now streaming on Hulu sounds freaking sweet Lois

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Hmm.

That might make breaking everyone into heaven and meeting my grandpa Darrell Wilson and getting his memory daddy magic to save the doodler from Willie a little bit more challenging. Link, do you know Dr. Arnold Kegel? Are you referring to the American gynecologist Arnold Henry Kegel, the assistant professor of gynecology at the Keck School of Medicine at USC? Correct. But beyond teaching medical students in Southern California, do you know what he's known for? No, I don't.

Three years after Emperor Hirohito surrendered to the Allies at the end of World War II, ending Japan's involvement in the war in the Pacific, Arnold Kegel invented a series of exercises designed to strengthen the muscles in the pelvic floor. He called them Kegels.

That does sound useful, but what does that have to do with the mission? Dr. Kegel was studying how pelvic floor exercises could help prevent systocele, rectocele, and urinary stress incontinence. However, he also found numerous benefits to working out the muscles in your pelvic floor, including an above-average ability to regulate urine flow.

So you're saying with Kegels, I'll be able to start peeing, but able to continue peeing, so I don't have to tell an angel I need to pee, and then I won't be lying. That way I'll be able to operate in heaven without being impeded. Heh, exactly, Link. Impeded. Ugh. What's going on, Link? Hmm. Link, is everything alright? Hmm, everything's fine. I'm just doing Kegels now, and it's working. Excellent, Link. We'll see you on the other side. Piss boy out. Ugh.

Oh.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. What is it then? This is a podcast about teenage problems. Well, we just lost half of our viewers. That's the best one yet. If you're having teen problems, I feel bad for you, son. I got 100,000 other podcasts you should listen to. Am I right? Pretty good. Yeah, that's pretty good. This is a story of four teens.

Who got married and then have to fix all the problems that their grandparents did. What an unfair burden on these teens. Truly. God gives his greatest battles to his mightiest teens. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the ranger teen of the group. Who's maybe respeccing. Once he looks at some help documentation on dndbeyond.com. Something the writers are fighting for right now is there's too much respect work going on in Hollywood. Terrible. This week's teen fact, Taylor Swift.

the Titanic like the back of his fucking hand because the Titanic, all of its details were detailed in a Pixar animated film that Taylor's a huge fan of. Okay. It's called Boats. It's called Boats.

Pixar's boats. And it's about the Titanic. Well, it's the hero boat. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. No, I can't. So it'd be about the Carpathia, who is the boat that came and rescued the people from the Titanic. But it's like everybody's down on the Carpathia. And then finally, the biggest, mightiest boat sinks. And who needs to step up but the Carpathia? Yeah, yeah. Oh.

That's it. Pixar's boats. Pixar's boats. Pixar's boats. No, no, but it was like boats. I'm just imagining a movie about like a little like Titanic Junior, but like being like a classic Disney orphan. You know what I mean? Oh, Titanic Junior is like a little tow boat. And my dad's a Titanic. I can pull my dad. It's like your dad's at the bottom of the ocean. Guess what? Now you have to live with your mean uncle. Oh, the mean uncle's just like a schooner.

Like from the age of sale. Anyway. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. Pixar's quality really dropped off. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play the future soccer star, Lincoln Boss Kicks, schooled in a prison, mind freed by his friends, and now a paladin to his spouses. Can we get a free your mind clip from the Matrix in there just as an audio drop? Free your mind. Can we also get a money? Yeah.

Lincoln M. Kicks, mind freak. Little known fact about Lincoln when he's stuck in his homeschooled prison. One thing he never learned anything about, either the feature film or the historical event, is the Titanic for some reason. He knows nothing. He knows nothing about the Titanic. The only thing he knows about the Titanic is that it is a synonym for large.

So, like, he just thinks, yeah, it's a big. He took Latin. He took Latin. I mean, people use the term, like, that was a Titanic success. He's like, yeah, I get it. I thought this was the biggest Quiznos subsize. By the way, interesting little thing about that. Titan, right? A titan. Titanic. Like a titan. Yeah. Anyway.

Yeah. Okay. Is that interesting? I thought it was really interesting. That's pretty basic. That's just saying what the Titanic is. Well, yeah, but like, but like instead, well, like. Does ick mean like a? Matt in Latin class must have been. That's the original Latin of that Madonna song is ick a virgin. Okay.

Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oak, perky, peppy, chipper, cheery, school spirit, mascot, kid. Titanic-themed fact about Normal this week is that Normal does not know anything about the Titanic either because he can never tell the Titanic and the RMS Lusitania apart. Shut

He's like, the Titanic, that was the one that was sunk by U-boats on May 7th, 1915, right? And it's like, no, that's the Lusitanian normal. Classic normal goof. There you go. So silly. My name is Beth May, and I play Scary Marley, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. She doesn't want to care anymore. Fun fact about Scary this week is that Scary...

Is unknowingly. No, I think she must know. Wait, I don't know if she knows or not. Let's see. You're the God of scary. I really am. No, she doesn't know. She doesn't know that she's the benefactor of extreme generational wealth. That's right. Her self,

step-grandfather, Ron Stampler, went into business with his friend, Beth May, on a great object. And people bought it. They bought his objects. And this object is the unsinkable love float for two. That's right. It's a door-shaped pool float with just enough room for you and your heart of the ocean. There's plenty of room. Nobody has to get in the water. What does it look like? Beth is literally reading the copy of

I'm not. I'm staring at Will. She's reading the press announcement directly into camera. There's a camera here filming an infomercial. It's shaped like the door from the major motion picture Titanic, which is actually based on a bit of side paneling. That's a real sort of object from the Titanic itself. But, you know, James Cameron in his infinite wisdom changed it to a door. Great on him.

big fan. And so, yeah, Ron went into business with Beth May to make these pool floats and he made millions and millions of dollars. That's how he could afford that tour to the Titanic. Yeah. Did he fuck over Beth May and the business partnership and she's left penniless? Like, where'd all that money go? No, Beth is really, really rich. Beth is rich and happy too.

Wait, so why does the scary know that she should be rich? Is it because Beth's hoarding all the money now that Ron's dead? Yes. Beth went to Ron and said, like, I'll be your business manager. We have to do a fucking one shot where the teens have to spend a night in Beth May's haunted mansion. Oh, shit. Called the Immortal Soul Salvage Yard because there's a bunch of spooky ghosts in there.

Wow. I'm a big fan of our NPC, Beth May, having millions of dollars that are rightfully scary that she's hanging on to after Ron Stamper died. Beth has created a mansion like the Winchester house this fall. These crazy doors to keep ghosts from bothering her. Love it. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hey, Papa. Daddy's sick. If I sound different, it's yeah, it's because I got the Rona. So I'm separate and I'm

One of the not known symptoms of COVID is not being funny. So that's what I'm going to rely on as my excuse for this episode. Guys, I didn't know it, but I have long COVID since before the podcast started.

Can we all say we have COVID then? Nope, it's just me and Beth. That's stolen valor, Matthew. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're sick, Anthony. I am too. I think I got sick doing a charity thing, which is evidence from God that I should never step outside my lane. That's not right, God. Yeah. Yeah.

So when we last left you, you had gone into the memory of Grant and Daryl Wilson as part of your ongoing quest to collect enough daddy magic to send Dude, your eldritch friend, back to the dimension from whence they came. The memory that you saw was Grant on his wedding night. Oh, God! Talking to Daryl about how he was too scared to be with somebody and that he didn't quite know if he wanted to marry Marco because Marco was too good for him.

In that moment, Scam actually appeared and gifted everybody in the scene with an all-expense-paid trip to the Titanic on its maiden voyage. Scam actually goes, Yes, yes, you're welcome. It's the most famous ship in all the world. In your world, anyway, and I thought you would love it. A little early honeymoon. Wait, what are you four doing here? And he looks and sees. What? When you look at each other, the teens, you see yourselves dressed like old-timey, like, 1910s teens. Oh.

I've got no drip. Oh my God. I should go to the hospital. Oh my God. I think I'm pulling off this newsboy cap. What do you guys think? Actually, yeah, it looks pretty good. I mean, yeah, I guess. Oh wow. What's dude dressed as? Dude is dressed in a very tasteful newsboy outfit or news baby outfit that covers up all the curves, but it leaves a lot to the imagination. The dream. I'm looking at pictures of 1910s teenage fashion and, uh,

It's just 1940s old man fashion. No, no, straight up. It looks like three ad men, but they're supposedly teenagers. So I guess that's what we look like. I think Link looks straight up like he's been like shoveling coal into the ship. He's already got dirt on his sheets. You think he's wearing a black shirt, but he's actually shirtless, but just covered in soot. He's just got torn up pants. He's just sweating and his hair is like singed.

He's like, oh God. One last detail though, because Taylor coming a little bit from the Asian perspective. No, he does not look the way you think that he looks. Whatever you're imagining, it's not that. I'm just looking.

looking at some photos. Let's just say there's some sleeves and interesting hairdo. Yeah. To paint us a picture. How does Taylor look? I think Taylor looks like straight up. If you don't mind me saying I

A Chinaman of the period, as they say. According to Getty Images, this is a typical look. Freddie, I don't know what would be more offensive, me supporting you in this or me saying you can't do this. I'm just going to stay quiet. Chinese people existed at the turn of the century. There's nothing offensive about it. I'll tell you what, though. I don't think any of them were on the Titanic. It's not offensive. It's offensive that you find it funny, Matt. That's what it is. Hold on. Let me just check if there are any Chinese people on the Titanic.

Freddie, grant us white people forgiveness. Six! Literally, there were six Chinese people on Titanic. And to be fair, the pictures of them, they are in some dapper suits. So you have tailors in a dapper suit as the seventh of the six people who are on the Titanic.

Wow. I didn't know this. Well, okay. Um, Mr. Likely. So like, wait, is this the memory? What happened? Why are, how are we here? Like we can't be here. So Grant grabs scam actually by his multicolored collar and he goes, what did you do? Why are we, where are we? And scam goes, it's a honeymoon present. The Titanic. It's the most famous human ship. I thought you'd love it. The Titanic is famous for a reason. Where's Marco? I don't know. He's on here somewhere. I guess you should find him. Do you need me to take you back? Yes, of course. I need you to take me back. Okay.

well, I guess if you can find something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue, then I can use those to bring you back to your own time. Off you go. And Grant goes, where the fuck Marco? Marco. And he starts running. Oh, Grant, dad. Grant looks back with confusion in his eyes at the child saying dad and scam goes, oh, no, no, no, no, no. So you all are from the future. I'm assuming you were looking at his memory or something.

Yeah. We're kind of from the present. I mean, yeah, we're from the present. You know us. You've met us. Well, not yet. Time doesn't quite work that way for me. So here's the thing. You can't create a paradox. This is just a memory of somebody to you. So you can't go and change anything too crazily. Oh, okay. So like, we're fine. Like, we're not really here. Like, we're not here, right? We're like, no, you're here for sure. You're here for realsies and you'll drown if you don't get off the Titanic. What?

How does that work? But he looks at Daryl and he goes, I mean, you're feeling good though, right? Yeah. Well, okay. Well, Scam, hey, bud, this is kind of coming back to me. I don't think I was here. Like, can you bring us back? Like, I really appreciate my grandkid not dying on the Titanic before I even met. Yeah, buddy. I'll make a deal with you. Don't worry, kiddos. I got this covered. As Daryl and Ron say this, they begin to fade away and you hear an angelic voice. Go. Go.

Oh, no. Oh, God. Which you interpret as they found out that you're trying to leave heaven by jumping into a memory and you're being pulled back. I yell back to, I'm like, hey, we didn't do it on purpose. We're coming back to calm down.

I put my name on the out list, and then I'll put it on the in list when I'm back in. Ron, I think you got to play it cool because you already got in trouble for actually escaping last time. I'm just such a bad boy. You are. I mean, you can't be that bad. You made it up there. Mr. Ron, if they let bad boys in heaven, I guess there still is hope for a guy like me. Absolutely not, kiddo. And with that, Ron fades away. Oh!

You should just get on a lifeboat. Hold your breath a really long time. Oh, no, I don't want to tell you anything. I watched that primer. Ignore everything I said. I shouldn't change the timeline. Maybe you're supposed to die. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Daryl is. I think Daryl said it was maybe you're supposed to die. Oh, God. Okay. So we're here. So we're on the Titanic. We can die. Which means any minute now, you boats are going to show up and torpedo the ship. No. Norm, that's not how it works. We run into an iceberg, and then it's like. Scary. You're thinking of the Lusitania. As you say iceberg, you hear in the distance a voice cry out, iceberg, run ahead. And then there's a. Oh, my God.

There's a rumble beneath your feet as the ship bounces up against something. And it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. It just feels like there's a little rock under your feet. Shut up. That's not a big deal. I'm sure they bumped into stuff on the Lusitania before the U-boat. We got to get out of here, though. No, wait. We can't. Stop. Don't move. Don't touch anything. Don't step on any butterflies. Don't do anything. This is a memory, right? Yeah. Grant, my dads, they made it. Okay. I think we just have to accept we're supposed to die here. What? What?

If we do anything, we might stop. Like, right? Like, we can't do anything. Because if we do something, it might change what happened. And Grant and Marco, they did make it. No, no, no, no, no, man. What if they made it because of stuff that we did? Oh, God. That's the part that...

How do we know what happened? What is death but the ending of consciousness? So if we die in these bodies, our consciousness might end. Yeah, I think that's what death is, Gary. Well, hold on. You're like super goth though, right? And like you should kind of like, is this the first time you've realized that death means that like you die? I mean, it'd be super metal if we did, but I'm just saying that like it doesn't have to be like the end of everything, you know? It would actually be more metal if like we continued living.

living, but wanting death. Well, listen up, folks. Listen up, folks. You happen to be in the employ of one of the greatest Titanic trivia historians this world has ever seen. Just follow my lead and we'll be fine. Wait, ScamLugly said something about Grant's going to go... Mr. Wilson is going to go get...

a bunch of like something new, something borrowed, something blue or whatever. So like, I guess you're right. We don't know if we did help in the past or whatnot. I guess the best thing we can do is do our best to make sure that my dad stay alive.

Okay, so... How many people died? Wait. You guys seem to know what you're talking about. Correct. Like this boat. Yeah, like 1,700 people died on this boat. 1,496 people died. Like you guys just know about their engagement wedding or whatever. No, no. Why would we know about your dad's engagement wedding? Why do you know about this boat? I assume my dad must have told you about it or something. Oh, no. Dude. Wait, you've never seen Titanic? I mean, I've seen things that are Titanic. Come on.

Okay. I mean, like, the story of timeless love. Oh, yeah, go ahead if you're going to do that. Next to the Joker, the ultimate story of timeless love. That's true. That's true. That's very true. Okay, so. Yeah, Titanic's frequently on the top ten list of all movies of all time right next to the Joker. Here's what you need to know. The Titanic was an ocean liner that was launched by the Cunard line in 1906 and held the Blue Ribbon Appalachian for the fastest Atlantic crossing in 1908. No, that's the Lusitania. No, I'm pretty sure I get it.

There's a Royal Navy blockade going on. It's the evil World War I. Don't listen to these nerds. Here's what you need to know. Don't listen to these nerds. Here's what you need to know. And then Taylor raises his voice so everyone hears. 67% of everyone will be dead in just a few

Okay, but what you really need to know is like the hottest girl ever meets the hottest boy ever. And she's in first class. And he is right here. Right here. No, not you. Wait, does Hermie look exactly like Jack Toxel? Yes. Oh, he's got like a sketchbook and everything, dude. And scary. Yeah, scary to just like stop talking. Okay.

Oh, okay, scary. Okay, so scam. Oh, this feels like scam. So my dads are on a boat that sinks in the past is what you're saying? Yes. Yes, because my shitty dad is a stupid idiot. And we're on that boat too. Oh, okay. Yeah, that is... Oh, fuck. Yeah, Hermie, what's up with your dad? He sucks is what's up with him. That's why I wanted to kill him and you guys narked on me and decided not to kill him. Oh, that's true. Well, I'm kind of regretting that choice right now. Hey, Hermie, I just want to say your anger at your dad is valid. And I'm

I'm sorry that I was like, don't kill your dad because now it seems like we're all going to die. But you guys know what happens. So let's just go talk to the captain. It's simple. All we have to do is go find the captain and get him a notice about the U-boats that are coming to sink the ship. Right? No. I mean, okay. No. The captain already saw all these iceberg warnings, right? But he's like, nah, I want to set a record. Oh, that's right. We're on the Lusitania. Okay. I got it. I'm up to speed. All right. So we need an audience with the captain. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go tell them to not sink. Okay.

It feels like the sooner he knows, that's bad. But remember, we can't alter the timeline. We can't alter history. You just said that we could, though, because I suggested we do nothing, and you said we can't do that. So let's go. What about this? Hear me out. What if we just go follow your dad from a safe distance? Okay. He's going to go do the stuff, and if it seems like he's not going to be able to do any of the things, then we step in discreetly to do the thing, and then it gets done. And we can't save the other people? They're gone. Oh, yeah, man. The bulkhead doors only go up to E-Deck, man. Oh, God.

Okay. The water spills over. It's really like there's no, like, you guys know your history because you seem conflicted, the two of you. Now that I know we're on the Lusitania, not the Titanic, it's all clear to me. The Lusitania hit an iceberg and it's all good to go. So we're all on the same page. So we're fine. Okay, we won't save them now. Wink. But for now, let's follow my dad. Okay. Okay.

Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market. The best in class event is packed with sales on organic seedless grapes, organic honey crisp apples, Applegate deli meat, and more. Start your mornings with 365 by Whole Foods Market organic frozen waffles and better than cage-free eggs. Then put dinner on the table with breaded chicken nuggets, savory swordfish fillets, and fresh salad kits. Make Whole Foods Market your back-to-school destination.

Dungest Dice is brought to you this week by Chime. Ding dong. It's expensive. Ding dong, motherfucker. Chime's in your fucking door. We're here. Open the fuck up. This is Chime. Open up. I'm getting swatted by Chime. Swatted with savings. The Chime checking account helps you reach your financial goals while still enjoying your summer. Take back your finances with features like fee-free overdraft with up to $200 with SpotMe or getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit.

Chime is the one that financial institutions, a little sense of community because they got a lot of referral features. So you can get temporarily increased overdraft limits with boosts from friends. You can give your friends boosts. You get fee free overdraft of the $200. Your next deposit applies to your balance. Get spotted with debit card purchases and cash withdrawals. No monthly fees or maintenance fees. Over 60,000 fee free ATMs. To date, Chime has spotted members over $20 billion. Eligible members get complimentary boosts to temporarily increase a friend's spot me limit.

And when you give a boost, they could boost you back. It's just like mutual boosting, dog. It's called docking. Set up direct deposit into your Chime account. After a qualifying direct deposit of $200 or more, Chime will notify you to enroll in SpotMe. And then when you get an activated debit card, Chime will spot you up to your limit when you exceed your balance. Chime never charges fees or interest for using SpotMe. And your next direct deposit is applied to your negative balance.

Live it up this summer and make progress towards your financial goals with Chime. Open up your account in minutes at Chime.com slash daddies. That's Chime.com slash daddies. Chime feels like progress. Here we go. Freddie Wong coming down the pipe with the bank and a fucking whatever, the little thing, the disclaimer. Here he goes.

Banking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp Bank NA or Strive Bank NA members FDIC. SpotMe eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Boosts are available to eligible Chime members enrolled in SpotMe and are subject to monthly limits. Terms and conditions apply. Go to chime.com slash disclosures for details.

Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo. Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, way, way, way. Kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? Yeah, what is that? I love you, Dad.

You are doing a good job. I know it's hard to be a parent, but you're hanging in there. Not guaranteed. Thanks so much for this wonderful KiwiCo you got me. Your kid's got a deep voice. With KiwiCo, there's always something new for kids to discover, like engineering robots or learning about the science of ice cream. It's cold. It's just cold. That's all it is. What was the project you've been doing, Matt? There's other stuff, too. Yeah, there's more about it. Yeah, what have you been doing? It's got to freeze fat in there. That's why you can't just use olive oil all willy-nilly. What have you been doing, Matt? What have I been doing? With your kid, not, you know, with KiwiCo.

We did a hydraulics thing, so I kept the mechanic vibe going. We got this little... You golf, Freddy. You know how they pick up golf balls on the ground? You know, at the driving range? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built this little... It's not a sweeper, but it's kind of like a little chompy. It's shaped like a little whale, not like a golf cart. Not like an armored killdozer golf cart. No, no, no. But it was fun to build, and you could decorate afterwards, so my daughter had a good time. But it teaches something about mechanics and how gears work and stuff, and it's just fun to run around and pick up stuff off the floor.

and tidying up. It can be hard to find creative ways to keep children engaged, challenged, and off those screens. KiwiCo does that legwork for you so you can spend quality time tackling projects together. Something, by the way, for kids of all ages. No commitment. You can pause or cancel any time. Redefine learning with play. Explore projects that build confidence and problem-solving skills with KiwiCo. Get 50% off your first month on any crate line at KiwiCo.com with promo code DADDIES.

That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. Maybe we should tell people that it's sinking though, right as we go, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Hey, everyone in here, just to be clear, you're going to want to be... Who's in this room, Anthony? Who's in the room with us? You're on the deck, so it's a bunch of people out enjoying the sea air. It's cold!

all this shit out here. There's two fucking guys playing soccer with the chunk of the ice. I was literally about to say the soccer thing was going to happen. Link starts running after his dad. Then he sees a soccer game going on. He's like, the boat's sinking, the boat's sinking or not, whatever you think I said back then, it happened. Just go near the lifeboats. Whoa. And then I see the ice.

And I fucking like do a cool, like I try to do like a rainbow with it. Like I want to join the game. As you head towards the two deckhands playing soccer with a big chunk of ice, you see that one of them has in his hand what looks to be a bottle of some very old aged whiskey. And it seems to be glowing a light purple color. Bro, the ship's sinking and you deckhands are playing soccer with whiskey? And drinking on the job. That's wild, bro. But this is pre-OSHA.

I can't do an Irish accent, but imagine this is a non-offensive Irish accent that I'm speaking in. Actually, in Ireland, it's O'Shea. With my 18 athletics, I kick the ice up and I hold it on my foot and say, I don't play. I play hard. I play. I won't play. I won't play soccer. Faith and Bakari, I really lost that sentence, didn't you? I'd like to do an Arcana roll on this glove because I'm just like,

purple is like you know the thing the purple vibes are purple in this show so I'm gonna go ahead and roll arcana I'm gonna roll purpleness I got a nine you're so purple coated so purple dude yeah maroon pilled and purple coated and with a nine you can tell that there is some magic associated with this particular bottle that he is holding the bottles like this is the skin of a killer Bella

Sorry. Actually, you know what? I think that people will listen. Okay. Wait, don't, don't cut it from the episode. I think that people will enjoy it. So there, I'm just going to leave it at that. Can we enjoy it? Can you tell us what it was? Do you know how many fucking stupid gamer references Beth has to put up with on this show? We cannot understand something Beth said for once. Okay. It's fine. I'll Google it. I want to know. No, then we can have the experience of having a bunch of people explain it to us online afterwards. Okay.

I think that sounds great. Anybody else want to roll Arcana? I will. If we were dogs, you'd be rolling Barkana. Oh, wow. Yeah.

That's an 11. All right. With an 11. Jesus Christ, Frederick. With an 11. Rule Arcana to save us. You get disadvantage on your next roll for that joke. Don't worry. I know exactly where we are. That's an 18 plus 220. Freddie's like, do you know that if a cat was a doctor, it would practice meowdison and then expect us to be like, ha, ha, ha, ha.

No, I don't expect anything from anybody at this point. It's just that we weren't talking about dogs. That's what made it so... So with an 18, you can tell that this is the something old in the spell that this game likely requires to send everyone back. Now, is it the bottle or is it the booze? Is it the bottle or is it the booze? It is the...

Interesting. It is the booze. And they're drinking it? Hey, stop drinking! Oh, wait. It's the 1910s. I don't think you're going to have much luck with that, my friend. Oh, I'm so cold. If only I had a little...

to warm me up. All right, roll persuasion. Okay. Try and look as consumptive as possible, Beth. Okay, so that's a 13 plus five, which is 18. I say, oh, normally daddy won't let me have a drink, but he said if I was a good girl and my fever was down, I'd be able to have a little sip because it's so cold outside. Eh, eh, eh.

Scary? Where did that come from? Scary? Holy cow! You're a thespian. Hermes is taking a back at your acting skills. Oh, wow. Yeah, I mean, I took, like, you know, beginner drama. Oh, wow. What the fuck is going on? The deckhand says, ah, this will bring a bit of color back to your cheeks, won't it? And gives you a sip of...

And I hold it in my mouth. I don't swallow it. For the rest of the show. Okay. I look for a cup or something. Beth has taken a sip of liquid death and is currently holding it in her mouth. Inside, there's the saloon deck. The whole deck? Damn, these motherfuckers partied. D-Deck was the saloon deck on the real Titanic. I'm not making that up. Whoa.

And yes, there are many glasses and things. Porter is like, excuse me, I believe the children are meant to be on the lower decks. You must be lost. Oh, yeah, we are. We need a cup, sir. We need a cup for our friend. Her tooth is broken and she needs to spit her tooth into something. And certainly not the child of the Chinese ambassador. And I stare the guy down. Roll deception. Three plus five, eight. It's a shame you didn't roll better because I could have done some really fun racist stuff. Ha ha ha!

China has no ambassador to the Titanic. Surely not. To the Titanic. To the Titanic. Yeah, we do. We want to see how good the boats are. Your people are working on trains, not the Titanic. You stay in your lane and I'll stay in mine. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Sir, sir, he's not... They said the train tannic could never be derailed. Look, my friend here, she's going to throw up, so either she can throw up here on the nice carpet or just give us some sort of bucket or... Not the carpet. Yeah, just give us something for her to throw up in. Roll persuasion. With advantage, that's good, right? They don't want to throw up. Well, I mean, it feels like the most logical thing they would do would be like, okay, then vomit over the side. That's what everybody else does. No. No.

Okay, I had to swallow it. Yeah, that's so exhausting to hold liquid in your mouth for that long. With a 12, he just puts his arms out and tries to usher you back onto the deck. I'm going to try and sleight of hand off of a lady with a big hat. I want to steal the glass from her table. But, Matt, she needs to be a lady with a big hat so that I can doof the hat and cause a bit of a kerfluffle to cover my sleight of hand. We shifty Orientals know.

how to get things done. Don't make me laugh at that word. 4 plus 1, 5. 4 plus 1, 5. You shove this woman in

And she spills her drink all over her chest. And she gets up. She goes, how dare you? And she takes out her clutch. Like the lady from Rocco's Modern Life? Yes, exactly. She takes out her clutch and she smacks you across the face with it. And she goes, get these children back under decks. What are they doing up here where people of means can see them? Anthony, I also did a slight hand roll and I got a 16.

While she's saying all that, you do something. What did you want to do? So I wanted to do one of those moves where the waiter is walking around with like all the champagne flutes and then like as he's looking, I just kind of like casually like James Bond, just like grab a champagne flute and just chug the whole thing down and then I just kind of like twirl it in my hand and like I hand it over to Scary and I'm like, if you're going to spew, spew into this. Okay, so this is also presumably the first alcohol normal he's ever had? I had Henry's Hard Booch, but it has been a while. Okay. Should I make a constitution roll or something like that? Yeah, give me a constitution roll and see if we're drawn

I got a 13. Okay, so you're not drunk. You handle your liquor like a champ. Wow. And you're fucking partying, baby. You're buzzed as hell, dog. Scary spits out the whiskey into the, or brandy rather, into the glass. Into the glass. Okay. Okay, we gotta hold on to this. Great, that's one down. Okay, well. We need to cover it. Grant wasn't even close to that. So like.

Yeah, those guys were going to drink all of that for sure by the time he got up there. Your dad needs to get his act together. I know. Well, he must, but he did make it. And he's about to let a catch like Marco slip through his fingers? I know. Like, seriously. Your dad's so husband-filled. Wait a second. Link. Yeah. Do you realize what this means? What? If we had to intervene to do this, what if your dad calls it off with Marco tonight? What if this is too much? Then you'll start fading out of existence. What if you don't exist anymore? Yeah, the memory he was expressing doubts. I don't know. Marco's got some game. Like...

Oh my God. Don't worry about Jack and Mac and my other dad. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that once Grant goes to, oh God, I don't know, I'm looking around like, am I changing? You hard cut to the deck with all the cars in it and there's just a hand slamming against the deck. Oh no! Link's like, I feel it in my bones that they're still together. Oh no!

are going okay. Their love is strong. I feel like they'll be okay. But we should find them because we do need to make sure they get off the Titanic and everybody else. Every other person on this boat. For sure. As they're throwing me out the rich people deck because they didn't believe me, I go, good thing this ship is unsinkable. No need to get into any life

boats it's all ignore the lifeboat announcements shoot it makes me feel that makes me feel bad but that maybe i even sabotage them you never know everybody is terrified except for unsinkable molly brown was like i don't trust those orientals i think i'm gonna make sure i get on a lifeboat as soon as i can so it's like just so i understand because i didn't know the history like there was enough lifeboats and like everybody's allowed on oh no that

That's not. What's wrong with the sentences I said? Well, again, the lifeboats really don't come into play because after the torpedo hits. Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. We're on the Lusitania. Listen, Scary, we can double team this. Not only were there not enough lifeboats. Not enough by half. Oh, God. They didn't even load them up efficiently. Yeah. But they left loving dads on first, right? No, that's not what they did. They didn't even get on. No dads allowed. They straight up had to know dads. Who deserves to go on more than dads? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Who do they put on first then? Well, kids. Okay, but you're not a kid if you don't have a dad. Okay. What? I mean, how could there be kids without dads? So dads should go first and then the kids can come on afterwards and be like, thanks, dad, for letting me on. That's not how it worked back then. That's just history. I'm not saying I agree with it. I'm just saying that that's what happened. And then who else? Women and children went on to the bus. Okay, I mean, women are just like dads, but women. So that's good. That makes sense. But kids should be last is my point. You think children should be the last ones? We can handle ourselves.

Speaking of handling ourselves, there's two more things to get. Okay. So, Scary grabs a life vest off the wall or whatever and uses it to, like, cover the glass and, like, protect the glass. Ooh, that's a good idea. Nice. Yeah, we're going to have to make sure. We've got to make sure we don't spill this thing. Yeah, I just want to make it, like, as spill-proof as possible. Let's follow. How are we going to find Grant? Where would...

So you see on the wall of the deck, you see a diagram of the ship. There are many decks on the ship. There is the promenade deck, which is only for first class passengers, which has a lounge, a smoke room, and a reading room. The bridge deck beneath that where the people go to sleep. The sea deck is the shelter deck for crew cabins. The D deck where you're on now is the saloon deck. I run to the first porter and I say, sir, excuse me, I lost my dad's. Where would two men who love each other greatly and are on a honeymoon together? Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely.

What part of the boat would they be on? They'd be in G-Deck for sure. Okay, great. Thanks. Hey, thanks. Okay, guys, I think my dad's on D-Deck. I tip the guy. Oh, thank you. With what?

So here you go. What is this? It's a piece of gum. It's a... Here's a tip. Gum's delicious. And then we run off. And then as we run off, I say, make sure to tell all the other porters that... Dude, but fucking... That thing's probably got, like, spearmint crystals, the likes of which his 1900s brain has never even... Dude, if you gave someone five gum in the Titanic...

Can you imagine if you hit them with a fucking juicy fruit? I'm actually shocked that there's not a five gum commercial with the Titanic hitting the iceberg. It's like, what it's like to chew five gum. The inside of your mouth is 98 degrees, but the Titanic is much, much better.

So you remember that ad? Winter fresh gum? He cuts to the porter like 30 seconds later after he's chewing. He goes like, oh, it's no more flavor, huh? My life has changed. Aw. So you head down to G-Deck and you see your fathers dressing themselves. Yeah.

Next to a steamy car. And there's a sketch that's incredible. Yes, there's an incredible sketch. Oh, there's squash down here. Marco is folding up a pudding into his. Hey, sirs. Hi, kid. We were just, we'd lost a dog. We're looking for our dog. Yes, Marco says, a dog. We are looking for our dog. Marco, you never could lie. Sirs, we've just been informed. We shouldn't even be here, like.

The boat's sinking. I'm sorry. The boat's sinking. Just go. Yeah. I've been sent by my father, the ambassador to China. Here to tell everyone, for your own safety, please make your way to the lifeboats now. Okay.

That's right. You can't disagree with the ambassador of China. No, no, the son. The son of the ambassador of China. But you were just passing the word on because you're a good son. You're a good son. And a citizen of the world, indeed. Okay. So you two just go up and get on a boat. I know it's sinking. I just didn't have a lot of hope for us to get out of this alive, frankly. Wow, that is so metal. Oh, no, that's sad. What do you mean? Yeah, just go up. Marco's like, I can't go up. Wait, we're on the Titanic and you stop to do that? And Grant goes, I'm

I'm sorry. I just, I don't, I don't know. I'm feeling so many feelings and it's, we're about to get married and there's a Titanic and I feel like I fucked up and Marco goes, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Kids, make sure you get yourself to light boats as quick as you can. We will be right behind you. Thank you so much for telling us that we are on the Titanic. He says, giving a distinct eye to Grant.

Oh, dad's in trouble. This is the rowdiest thing we've ever heard about Grant is that he was like, I'm not a little girl person. By the way. Now that I'm in my refractory period. Look, I get my dad. He's probably so bummed out that he was like, oh, I don't deserve to take the spot of somebody else who was supposed to live. Like, I get it. I would feel that way maybe if I felt bad about myself. So like, yeah, just lay off of me. Just feel bad. So you're saying your dad feels bad about himself? Yeah. Oh.

So he doesn't, he thinks he should die in the Titanic, which I guess he does or doesn't. I don't know. I don't know what the, what's supposed to happen. You don't care? No, of course I care. What do you mean? I just said, I don't know what happens. Of course I carry. We do the back to the future thing where the blue screen hand is in front of your face and it begins to like fade away a little bit.

I mean, um... I poke his hand. Does it go through? Yes. Oh, good. That's not good. What happened? You both definitely have to get to the lifeboats, and we gotta find... Hey, we're strangers. Francis, yes, Marco, you have to get to the lifeboat. Marco goes, no, you're coming too. You don't get to make this decision for me. You're wondering why us four teens are down here, and we're down here to make sure that couples like you don't... We got...

Whoa, you're cool with this? Well, populations... Yeah, you know. The world only works if we have wonderful couples like you two. So we're just making sure that couples stay together when they go on the lifeboat. So it's either both of you or none of you. You hear me? Yeah. I put my stern voice on. Think of it as like future generations depend on it, maybe. Okay.

Okay. So Mr. Grant, I believe your name was, if Marco's going to go on the left boat, you have to too. That's the rules. That's what the captain said. Roll persuasion or deception. Because we do have a policy here at the Titanic with the fully loaded nachos. Okay. I got a 11. Kid, who are you? What is your problem? I told you. Says Grant.

He's the ambassador to China, and I'm the captain's right-hand man. You're way too cool with queer people for this time period. What's going on? We can't alter anything. I say, and I run away. We're not cool. I want both of you off the boat. You both make me sick. I want you to...

- Off the boat right now. You hear me? Cause I'm all timey like that. - I'm just dragging Lincoln away. Just trying to desperately- - Dad, I don't want you to die! - Shut the fuck up, Lincoln! - Oh no. - As you shout, dad, I don't want you to die. That is drowned out by the sound of water.

bursting in through one of the portals. Oh no. It begins to pool around your feet as it rushes in from the sides and you see Grant and Marco run out of the storage area and start running up towards the top of the boat. Okay. Come on, kids. Come on. We got to go. We're

going to go this way. I have more people to inform. Don't worry about it. You get to the boats. We run up another set of stairs. I do. I think we want to run and look for those purple things. As we're running, I turn to everyone and say, okay, look, we cannot trust those two himbo's to figure this out on their own. We need to collect as many of these things as we can. They're not going to get onto a lifeboat. We got to get the spell figured out so Scamlike can

and get us all out of here. Yeah, we got to get out too. So, okay. Well, they're running up there, so that's good. That's good. That's good. Maybe we'll find something. Okay, so what was it? Something old, right? We got the something old. Check on, wait, whiskey check. Okay, I checked for the whiskey. You're fine. I'm fine. Okay, good, good, good, good, good. Okay, that's one. So the E deck. We'll go to the E deck. What else do we need? What were the other three things? Something new, something borrowed, something blue. Something blue, yeah. Okay, this is kind of random. I don't know what that's all about, but like, okay. We just got to run as fast as we can. Freezing water buffets you as you run up and down the decks. Ooh, okay. Okay, ha, ha, ha, cool.

Which deck would you like to go to? The saloon deck, the shelter deck, the bridge deck, the middle deck with the swimming pool. I think we go bottom up, right? As it's sinking. Yeah. So you were on the G deck. So we're just running. Yeah. We're just running as quickly as possible. So you run up to F deck. You see there is a swimming pool with a bunch of people just hurrying to try to get out of the swimming pool as the water begins to. Ah, I get it. You're practicing. There's also a Turkish bass. You see a bunch of dudes with just towels around their waist running. You see kennels with dogs barking, uh,

locked inside their cages. I want to open up the kennels. Yeah, go open up the kennels. Okay, the dogs get out. And I say, shoot. That's not going to help. Maybe we should shoot them all in the back of the head. Oh my god! I don't know! This is dark thoughts! But they're going to drown, right? Okay, well, let's just put little life vests on them. Oh, they're going to freeze. I can't look at them anymore. This is the saddest thing that's ever happened. Go back in the kennel, little buddies. Go to sleep. I don't know what to do!

to figure it out in seven ways. Give him a shot. Just give him a shot. Give him a fighting chance, Link. I want to try to make this real quick. But really quick, as I open up the doors, I want to try and make a psychic connection with the dog. Oh,

Okay. Do you have to speak with animals? Trust me, we're going to need this later. All right? Trust me, dude. Are you going to send them all to look for purple things? Ooh. Do I have speak with animals? No, absolutely not. You're a ranger without speak with animals? I thought that was like a ranger thing. Seems like something remotely useful, so fucking of course a ranger doesn't have to. Hold on, let me just manage my spells and note that I have an extra spell slot. Guess what? Who has speak with animals now?

now okay you do get it okay canines who amongst you wishes to create a psychic bond with me the son of the ambassador to china they all cock their heads like all of you i deputize all of you to be taylor's dogs dude comes up and starts petting them and goes good they're good dogs these are good dogs they are they are very good be near so that if i need you you may come but also

try and survive. Do your best. Taylor, ask the dogs if they can find this purple stuff for us. Oh, and keep an eye out for purple glowing. Can they see the color purple? Dogs are colorblind. They can see glowing. Yeah, they can see like light. And they can see glow, yeah. Bring me glowing objects. Purple, ideally. Blue,

blue glowing objects. Yeah. Like this color. Oh, oh, hold on. Show them the... We show the dogs the whiskey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So somebody roll animal handling. I will roll animal handling. Yeah, you should do it. My boys. Four plus zero, four. They jump out the window into the freezing water. Oh, no! Oh, God. Oh, God, you hear what they're saying as they jump out the window, dude, because you can speak with them now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are they saying, Anthony? The moon is glowing. I'm going to get the moon. Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, that's really awful. Dude, one of the weird things about being a human is that everybody's going to feel worse about these animals dying than the 1,600 people, human beings, human beings that actually died. Dude is already weeping. Everybody listening to this podcast is going to be more sad.

So, oh, okay. The dogs. I know, I know. I feel the way, too. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm saying I feel that way, too. I feel worse about these dogs. Link thinks to himself, this can't be happening. I know my dads live, and I'm here. And I start getting a divine sense, and I'm going to cast divine sense, which let me know if you think this is relevant, which is as an action, you can detect good and evil, but also until the end of the turn, you can sense anything affected by

By a hollow spell, the known location of Celestial Fiend undead. I don't know, it feels like I should just be able to sense within 60 feet or something. That makes a lot of sense. You can tell that on the e-deck above you, something soon to be borrowed awaits you. E-deck, let's go. I sense something. Okay. I hope it's not my dad's having sex again. Wow, you're even better at it.

Is that what they were doing? That's what they were doing, which is cool. I thought they just were like they wanted to see a cool car. Yeah. Well, they are classic car enthusiasts, though, right? Yeah, no, they always said that, you know, however I want to express my sexuality is fine. And like, you can have sex before or after marriage, however you want to wait. And they told me they had sex before marriage. I didn't realize it was like right before marriage. On the Titanic. On the Titanic. But yeah, that's definitely what they were doing. I'm sure this was the first time they've had sex, though. You're probably right. Oh, yeah.

Could be. It's a pretty cool place to have... So you head to the mail room of the Titanic and you see Grant and Marco arguing with the mail person there and behind the mail person, they're basically locked inside of a room with a little window with iron bars bisecting it. And behind them is a package that seems to be glowing purple. And Marco's like,

We just need the package for some reason, I guess. And Grant's like, yes, no, please. That's mine. It's for me. It's me. I'm what's what does it say on it? And the guy's like, no, go back to your rooms. Taylor struts up with all the confidence. I do believe, sir, you have correspondence for me, the son of the ambassador to China.

All right. Roll deception. I swear to God, the amount of times I've tried this fucking gamut. Four plus five, nine. God damn it. Oh my gosh. No, it doesn't look like we have anything. Scary. Hermie, guys, use your acting stuff. You're really good at acting. Why don't the two of you just, you know? Okay, okay. As much as it pains me to admit it, you guys have great chemistry together. Hermie leans up against the wall and goes, I know.

I know. Yeah. Male room. When's there going to be a female room, huh? Yeah. Yeah. For equal rights in 1912. Let's see how that plays out for them. Link starts snapping his fingers like he just heard something. That's right. You tell him, Gary. Yeah. I wonder if that guy I was seeing finally sent me that object that I...

was gonna borrow. Oh, yes, madam. He's always sending you objects as a way of showing how much he loves you because you're so high class and real.

I know, Jack. I mean, I mean. Hermie looks to the side and he's like, if only she knew that me, a lowly valet, would actually be the one who holds her in my heart so deeply that she never can, for it would be too inappropriate for her. Scary looks to the side. If only he knew I didn't really want objects. Ah, this looks like it might be the right place. Hello, mail. Ha ha ha!

How'd you know my name? Can I have that package, please? I believe it's addressed to me. Oh, no. Okay, so that's ten. I'm afraid you're going to have to show me some evidence that the package is yours, my lady. Well, let me just look at it really quick. What's that sound also? The boat's sinking, sir.

this ship's unsinkable. Yeah, well, turns out you can't really believe the things that you thought that you could. You can find new things. Um...

I try to sneak a look at the package. Okay. Go ahead and roll perception. Okay. Nine plus one. Wow, you should start a podcast. You can really get people to wake up. Okay, so with the 10, you can see it actually is for the son of the ambassador from China. Okay.

Oh, I find myself growing faint. If only there was a strong family lineage to keep me afloat. You, sir, you're an ambassador, aren't you? I am. Keep distracting him. Oh. Distract me from what? From this! Well, um...

Gary, just distract him. I have a spelling cast. Just cast a spell. Okay, so I do believe this ship may sink. And then I pull out a bullet and I'm putting it on a desk and it's rolling down as the ship is tilting to the side. And I'm like, uh, yes.

And then I punch Hermie and I'm like, you weren't the man I thought you were. No. Does this performance work? Because I'm going to cast Misty Step, which allows me to teleport 30 feet to an unoccupied space. I'm just going to teleport in there and grab it. Great. That works perfectly. He's too busy being swept up in the drama of these two will they won't days. So I teleport in, which is I think it's just like I just slip on in quietly. I grab the envelope like, hey, hey, hey.

Here, take it. Yeah, okay, great. I slip it through the bars and I go, how did I get here? Oh, can you only do it once? Are you stuck in there now? Release him at once. That's the son of the ambassador to China. What are you doing here, boy? Get out, get out. And he opens the door for you and tries to grab the package from you. You don't ever come along to China.

I'll have words for you. I knew you Chinese could go through walls. They told me that was a specific form of racism I had, but I always knew. Good day, sir. I say to you, good day. He's too busy being racist to stop you from leaving with the package.

Toys and Sides is brought to you this week by MeUndies. Yarr! It's that time of year again when you want breathable, quick-dry, moisture-wicking, anti-odor technology around your cooch. Love it. You want it bad, and MeUndies has got it for you. Something for every guy this summer. Their fabric is breathable and comfortable, especially the ball caddy with its special pouch to help you avoid bat-winging. Bat-winging is when your testicles spread out across your sweaty thighs, by the way.

Any funny ball stories? They're asking us to tell everyone about our ball stories. I mean, one time I adjusted my pants and my balls squeezed together and hurt a lot. And I don't think that would have happened if I had a ball caddy. I've been packing a 100% me on these rig in my EDC. You carry your balls. Your balls are your everyday carry. That's right. I guess that's true. I am carrying them around every day. It's been great. On the tour bus, I haven't had to change my underwear once. No, that's not true.

I, you know, I tried to make a ball caddy for my non-MeUndies underwear, and now my nuts just hang out of my underwear. Oh, no. Fabric is breathable, stretchy, and comfy, making it ideal for all-day wear. And then, by the way, if you want even more breathable and summer-proof stuff, they got the Move Me line with Breathe Fabric. Whoa, new, whoa, burying the lead. New MeUndies fabric drop, moisture-wicking, anti-odor technologies, the Breathe Fabric.

responsibly sourced from sustainably sourced materials and with partners that care for their workers. Most people don't know that you breathe through your dick, so it's important to be able to breathe through your underwear. If you're not happy with your first pair of MeUndies, it's on them. The little hole down there sucks up air. That's why I pass out every time I have sex. Every time, this is like when David Blaine was in that box and they were like, how's he breathing in there? He's breathing

They didn't notice his dick was peeking out of the box. Just a little mushroom tipped up against the top of the box. There was a little hole they cut for his dick to breathe. It's a secret Kegel technique you have to learn to be able to draw in air through the tip of your penis. Summer's coming. Be prepared with MeUndies. Get 20% off your first order, plus free shipping at MeUndies.com slash dungeons. That's MeUndies.com slash dungeons for 20% off, plus free shipping MeUndies. Comfort from the outside. In...

I look at grandma. I was like, oh, okay. So we got the pat. Why, why did you two, I told you guys to get out of here. Why, why, why were you trying to get this package? Yeah. Thanks. This is going to be super useful. Thanks. Mind if I borrow it? I'm sorry. And he takes the package from you. Yeah. You two are strong men. You can hold onto it. Like that's fine. We'll get the next two. Thanks kid. What a specific thing to say. All right.

I don't know. You're looking for things. We're just going to help you out. I told you to get to the lifeboats anyway. I told you to get to the lifeboats. Get out of here. You get out of here. You two are going to have a great marriage and it's worth protecting. So leave. Link, stop it. You're going to destroy the timeline. Let's go. I don't like you guys. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Right out of there. Don't die, dads. Just give me a luck roll. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's going to be like that scene in Looper when potty parts are disappearing. Oh, God.

An 18. All right. Everything stays as it is. Sorry. I'm getting really emotional. I'll stop yelling at my dad. Shut the fuck up. I'm talking to you. We're running away. We're away from them now. Okay. What's next? You head up to the top deck and you see that it is absolute pandemonium. The ship is beginning to lilt to one side.

Chairs, cutlery, furniture is all beginning to list in directions. People are getting crushed underfoot. Has the orchestra started playing yet? The orchestra is playing near my god today. Gentlemen, it's just been a privilege. Why are those guys playing music even though the boat's going down? Yeah, why are they playing? It's just like a kind of beautiful metaphor for the poignancy of, you know, mankind. Did it actually happen? Yeah.

That really happened. Those guys did that. We're here. We're literally here. What do you mean? Did it actually happen? Pay attention. That's a crazy story. They should make a movie out of it. Yes. About the four musicians who played until they got too cold. Do they make a movie about the four of them? No.

Yeah, Link, they do. They do. They sure do, buddy. Okay. You got your something old. You got your something borrowed. We're looking around for purple stuff on the deck. Please roll a perception. Well, you've got your little spell up, don't you? Like your guiding. Oh, yeah. Don't you have your guiding principles? Oh, is it still active? It is. Okay, great. Which is going to be a great roll one on perception. Then you follow your nose, so to speak, and you can hear the sound of a douchey guy saying, please, please let me aboard. She's all I have in the world. Oh,

Wait, wait, sorry. The line is, I'm all she has in the world. Oh, sorry, yeah. Please, please let me aboard. I'm all she has in the world. And you see a man with very intense eyebrows trying to get aboard. Oh my God. I have to roll not to fall in love. The guy who's trying to steal a baby? Yeah, the difference between being a girl and being a woman is like being into Jack Dawson. When you're a woman, you realize that Billy Zane is where it's at in Titanic. That's the craziest fucking thing I've ever heard.

My favorite thing about Billy Zane in Titanic is his ignorance of future historical people. Like when he's like, who's this Freud? One of the passengers. Oh, wait. Picasso. He won't amount to a thing. Beautiful. I just fucking, I love that shit so much. Actually, it's Aster who says this Freud. Oh, that's right. Is he a passenger?

Love it. So you can see that he's next to an empty baby carriage. And there's a woman who has a hand still on the handle of the baby carriage who seems to have been trampled, unfortunately. Is she alive? No, she is dead. Oh, God. And Marco and Grant come out.

and they don't see what's going on. They're looking around for something purple, but you've seen them before they did. What's the purple thing? The baby that he is holding is purple. The baby is? The baby is purple. Wait, is it like... It's glowing purple. It's magically glowing a purple glow. It is not literally a purple baby. It's like a video game where it's highlighted. It's not Grimace, guys.

Get the baby grimaces on the Titanic. Oh, no. That was milkshake right ahead. That's got to be one on TikTok, right? Like a big grimace shake sinks the Titanic. That's pretty good. That's like four months ago on TikTok. Pretty out there, my man. So Billy Zane is trying to get aboard the lifeboat. What are you going to do? I'm screaming, that man stole that baby. That's a Chinese baby. That's a Chinese baby.

That's our baby. That's our Chinese baby. Step aside. Step aside. You can tell the baby is not Chinese, first of all. Secondly, roll persuasion. But can they tell? Oh, okay. Fair enough. There is a thing. That people think babies are Chinese. 12 plus 1, 13. What thing? What thing? There's a thing where it's like every Asian baby is born with a big old blue spot.

You know about this? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where? On their body. Okay. It's just a weird Mongolian, like, blue spot thing. And so, you know, they say baby's growing purple, you know, who knows? I could use it, but it doesn't matter. Because I rolled a 13. Okay. So with a 13, they go, ho, ho, ho, you stole that baby? And he goes, no, of course not. This is my child. Her, his, his name is... Lewis! And they go...

You named that baby Lewis? I'm afraid you're going to have to prove that that baby was stolen, kids, because he's a grown man and you're children. Can I do slide of hand and I want to draw a blue dot on the baby? Okay. So that Taylor can tell them about this fact. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Roll slide of hand. 14.

You draw a blue circle onto it, and immediately Billy Zane looks down and goes, ooh, an Asian baby, I would rather drown. And he hands you the baby back, and he gets back aboard the ship and wipes his hands. Dermal melanocytosis, formerly called Mongolian blue spots, as you may know them, are the hallmark of Asian babies, such as this one, who belongs to my father, the ambassador to China. Ha ha ha!

So Grant and Marco come up and they see that the baby's glowing and they go, what's going on? Whose kid is that? Mine. Okay. My dad's. No, it's not. My brother. Give it to them and then they can go on the boat. Yes. Sir, this baby, the only thing it has left in the world is these two fine gentlemen. We're friends. One of whom is Asian. We're friends. Yeah. And one of us is Asian. Yeah.

So can you let them on the boat, sirs? That's me and Matt at every coffee shop. We won't tell you which one. One of us tells the truth and one of us only lies.

So he goes, fine. Yeah, sure. Get aboard the boat, I guess, the two of you. And he goes, and my friends, these kids here, they're all with me. They're all my kids, Grant says. All of them. Come on. Come aboard, kids. Wow, you do that for us, mister? Wow. Yeah. Can we hop on? Yeah. Oh, great. Okay. You're all children. Yeah, we're on. Okay. Wait.

Can we save any of these people before we get on or is it too late, guys? You tell me. Anthony, give me one minute on the clock to see if I can find a spell that I have that will stop the Titanic from sinking, please? Come on, normal. All right, timer, one minute. Go. Okay, guidance, light, resistance, sacred flame, spare the dying, spare the dying. Oh.

No, that's not going to work. How about just like a warmth spell? You know what I mean? Like keep people warm. Healing, healing, purifying. Can you put them all to a new plane? That way it doesn't mess up the history because they all did disappear, but they're all alive somewhere else. Just like MH370. Ah, yes. The great mystery of the Titanic. Where did those people go to? That's right. I guess they did find the bodies. Shit. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I've got it. I've got it. I'm going to cast...

Okay. For one hour, the spell grants the ability to move across any liquid surface. Up to 10 willing creatures can see within range gain this ability for the duration. But which 10, normal? Which 10? Oh my God. I will. I will.

You can still see the dogs are doggy paddling in the cold. Here's the choice. You can save all the dogs or all 1,600 people, Will. Who do you choose? The 1,600 people. I don't fucking. Yeah. It's only for 10 people. 10 people. Well, we'll see. How many dogs? 10 people or all the dogs. I can live with you saving 10 people. Normal. That's something. That's something. You know, normal. They say this vote.

is cursed. They say that aboard it, there was this Egyptian mummy princess that was like stowed away and that that's why the Titanic sank. Whoa. Is that real? Maybe. Maybe.

I am going to cast Water Walk. It's casting time is one action, and it's a third-level spell slot. Now, I have three third-level spell slots, three fourth-level spell slots, two fifth, and one sixth. So I can save 90 people. Wow. Because if I dump all my spell slots, that'll do it, I believe. But you can't save the musicians because you said they died and they make a movie about them, right? Ha ha ha!

I just want to make sure normal that we're sticking to. No, that's true. That would blow up the timeline. I feel bad for them. I can't look at them anymore. I see them playing so heroic. Okay. Well, I can only do people that I can see, right? So there's like what? There's a throng of people in front of the boat. And the dogs. You can see the doggy battling through the water.

Slowly. The people can pick up the dogs. Oh, one of the dogs is getting really tired. Oh, God. He sees the line going below the water, Will. Oh, my God. Normal is going to cast. Here's the fucked up thing I'm thinking in my head. Do I cast it on the biggest people, like the biggest guys, so they can hold other people? Mm-hmm. Right? Big boy representation. Just. Just.

All the beefiest boys line up. Normal shots. All the beefy boys to the front. So we flash forward 100 years and it turns out beefy boys have now been naturally selected for us. Everybody's just like 30 pounds beefier. Wow.

All right. I cast an order of beefiness and tell people you can walk on water now. Hold up the other people. People are confused. They're crying. They're trying their best. Some people are managing to climb up into the arms of the beefiest boys, the guys who are probably down in the hole, shoveling coal and stuff. Just like they held up the economy. You know, America was what it was because of the work of these workers standing union strong together. They do only have an hour. So they got rescued within an hour, right? Yeah.

Right? There weren't enough beefy boys. Not the better half. There's a beefy boy with five shivering dogs on him and everyone immediately falls in love with him. Yeah, after the Titanic, they made sure that you had to at least have 200 beefy boys on every ship.

Scary is like, don't worry, I got the rest of them. And she touches the ship and casts remove curse and nothing happens. And that's how you find out that the Egyptian mummy was just a myth. It wasn't actually cursed. The Titanic just hit an iceberg and sank. There wasn't a mystical reason for it. It will be several hours for the ship arrives to save these people. It's fine. An hour of not being in the water is going to help.

Yeah, it will help. It will help. God, what a story, though. As the lifeboat descends to the water with all of you in it, you overhear Marco and Grant having a conversation where Grant's like, this poor kid, he's got nobody. And Marco says, this poor kid, I don't, we got to keep him warm. Stay close to me. Let's keep him warm. And they huddle closer together to each other. And they cuddle this kid. Link looks at the thing. Link roll perception. Oh, no.

17. Okay, so with a 17, Scam likely appears as a ghost and he embraces his eyebrows and he points at you and then he points at the baby and then he points back at you and he points at the baby. Is that... I'm an Asian baby? Ha ha ha!

Link looks down and realizes there's been a blue spot on his own butt for years that he himself painted there. Wait, I was, I look at Scam, that's, that's me? He turns to Grant and Mark and he goes, happy anniversary. I saw that you were having a bad time and so I decided to fix your marriage. Hooray. And Grant's like, what? I didn't actually mean for something all borrowed, blue, old, any of that stuff. I just wanted you to find each other. What? What?

Classic scam. And he goes, it sounded like you were having second thoughts. And I wanted you to remember how important you are to each other. Remember, you thought you were going to die and the first thought was to deep dick your boyfriend. Oh, God.

I told you guys, I said that. See, you didn't believe me, but they did. I believed that they were having sex. Okay. Marco kisses Grant really deeply and Grant kisses him back. And he goes, I'm sorry. I was so scared. I was just really scared of living a life with you as much as I was without you, because I don't know if I can, I just don't know. And Marco just shuts him up and goes, it's fine. It's okay. We're going to be okay together because you've got my back and I've got your back. And now both of us are going to have this. If you're okay with it, I think.

We're going to have this kid's back. And the four of us are always going to have your back too. Hey, can you two keep it down?

Oh, God. Grant gets a distant look in his eyes as he sees, other than the people trying to crawl onto the Burley Boys, a lot of people drowning and dying in the water. Molly Brown would be so pissed if this many people actually survived the Titanic. Yeah, she loses her whole risk. Because they'd be all writing books, too. Yeah, they would literally be unsinkable. Yeah. Yeah, she's just okay Molly Brown. Grant says, with Scam Likely and the doodler and all these people dying around me, and I just...

I just want to make sure that he doesn't have to deal with any of this shit. I just know kid deserves to live through the bullshit that we're living. I'm sure I'll be fine. Yeah. Oh, I can't say anything. You can, but maybe just like, just don't fucking just be cool for once. You can say something cool to him. Just don't tell him you're his son, you know, but if you got something to say to him, you know, say it, dude. Oh, Hey, you two gentlemen. I'm sure. I'm sure that baby's going to be really happy to have you as, as their dad.

I'm going to, hey guys, let's just close our eyes and ears because there's a lot of dying going on around us. I'm just a little scared. Yeah, Link kind of tries to look away from the dream. Do you have anything you want to say to your baby self? No, dude. That's the first lesson of all this. Don't do anything. What do you mean? I'm pretty happy with the way. I'm pretty happy with, no, don't tell me anything. I go to the baby and I whisper to the baby, I say,

Hey, baby Link. And I stroke his cheek and I say, it's going to be all right. And then Grant and Marco both embrace you and they hold you as the Titanic sinks behind you. And...

As more than 1,500 people die in the single deadliest sinking of a single ship up to that time happens around us. But that's love, right? Yeah. And the 700 people in the boats wait to die, wait to live, wait for an absolution that will never come.

Not today, no, not today

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlow. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Taylor Swift. Theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

This podcast is directly supported by our Patreon. Our Patreon is full of people with names like Teresa Alexa. Cuddlism is a religious belief about being sincerely held. Lauren Donahue, Abu Waifu, Eric Bateman, Nicholas Olson, Leah, Xander Bryce, Brett Peterson, Operandi, MJ Damson, Kellen Holbrook,

Carson, Jason Bingham, Christopher Burgess, Carson Lisbier Mogensen, Emil Grunbach, Bryce McSherry, Panda Blackstar, and Daniel Hidalgo. Episode 1 of Dad with a Christy is now available, with Episode 2 coming out later on this week. This three-part Murder Mystery Minute series is with special guest Amanda Schuckman, who you may remember from Sons of Sensibility, as well as Riley Rose Critchlow, who does Real Housewives of D&D and also is the lead detective in the Crimes Division, and Elise Williams, who has also appeared on this season, as well as on Funhaus.

It's starting to come out now. This mini-series is a total blast and you can get it as well as all of our other standalone mini-series at patreon.com/dungeonsanddads. You can also buy digital downloads of our bonus mini-series on that Patreon as well. But if you're a patron, you always just, you just get it. You get that as well as ongoing content, ad-free episodes, as well as access to tons of bonuses. But you know, if you don't like subscribing to things, you can just buy these now. It's an option. Always was an option.

This past month, our monthly bonus for our mid-tier subscribers was a video where we introduce you to everyone's pets. It was a pet video. Who has the best pet? It's me, but you can watch the video to verify that. Do your own research at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Our Twitter is dungeonsanddads. Our website is dungeonsanddads.com. Our merch is at store.dungeonsanddads.com. Our subreddit is dungeonsanddads. And our next episode is coming out October 10th. We will see you then. We gotta pick ourselves and say, not today, no, not today. For tomorrow, make steel.

Yes, I do have sneak with animals. Sneak with animals. That's a pretty good one. That's like Shaggy has that when he and Scooby tiptoeing around.