S2 Ep. 42 - Spirit Hallow Peen
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Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Animehab. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons of new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kind of...

It's all kinds of stuff, dude. I was thinking solely anime. From Family Guy to American Dad, they've got it all. Solar Opposites, Hit Monkey, American Dad. Plus, watch some of the freshest animated series around, like The Great North, Grimsburg, Crapopolis, and so many more. If you're looking for a favorite animated show, there's only one destination you need to remember. Hulu Anime Hem. Your animation destination now streaming on Hulu. Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Hey, Peter, you coming to the clam tonight? Eh, I don't know, guys. You gotta come, Peter. Brown ales are due for one tonight. And so are blonde co-heads. All right.

Peter, tonight's our anniversary, Peter! Ah, crap. This is even worse than that time we were on Dungeons and Daddies. No! Peter! Don't crack me open and eat my flesh!

What's up ladies and gentlemen, you're watching another episode of Dungeons and Daddies. You're also not watching it. You're watching it. You are, with your third eye. We're now going to get into the top ten classes in Dungeons and Dragons. What's the season three meta?

Dungeons and Daddies is not a BDSM. The season two meta is going on red and being like, does season two get better? That's the season two meta. Dungeons and Daddies is not a BDSM podcast. This is a story of four teens married with themselves and with their dads. And now it's time for them to confront the other dads in the

quest to fix things you had it like two episodes ago no but things change yeah this season's just wow it keeps changing my name is freddie wong i play taylor swift not that one the ranger teen who's been trying to figure out how to respec on dnd beyond but i couldn't figure it out so i think next time taylor may be coming with a new class do you have anything you're leaning towards are you you know the two were artificer but you're gonna change your whole class yeah dude that's my right as a teenager yes anthony was the one who led

I gave you the permission to do it with career day. But it's not career day anymore. Freddie missed the window as far as I'm concerned. He's in heaven, so you get to determine what you are in heaven. You get to pick what you are in heaven. That's the rule. The seven classes you meet in heaven. Oh my God. What's the other one? Maybe rogue. Yeah, you would, but I'm the most famous best rogue that's ever existed, so you can't do it. You're a coward. I got dibs. I got dibs. You can't do it because I got dibs. Just be Will's class. Just become a clerk.

Do it. I'm the best boy rogue ever. So you can't even trot on my stuff. I've come to claim my tits. I've come to claim my crits. Those are my crits. Those are my crits. Taylor's busy. Hold on.

Taylor's teen fact for this week. Taylor's business fact. Taylor's business fact for this week. Yeah, business fact, yeah. He's just Ron now. He's a business rogue. Yeah, what if I just came in as a business rogue? What if Taylor's just super into Ron's whole flavor right now, and he's just like, I'm going to be the new Ron. Listen, we'll see how this episode goes. This week's Taylor fact. Taylor, not a fan of a flying...

dog, mostly because he had put all his heart into his walking up the walls cat. And he's like, flying dog is objectively better on sort of multiple fronts. And this is not fair. So therefore, I'm making this my whole personality. This dog sucks. Hey, Mr. Mr. Ron, this dog is mid. Your dog is mid. All right. Hey, everybody. My

I don't know where to go from that one. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln M. Kix, the schooled-in prison fucking broke free. Now he's a paladin with his fucking thruple, quadruple spouses, whatever he is. He's just fucking living his life. And...

What does he live for? Oh, he lives for the hunt. Thrill of the hunt. Thrill of the hunt is the only thing that fucking makes him get up in the morning now. Don't talk to me until I've had my hunt. So actually a business fact about Lincoln is that Lincoln's going through a lot and he's completely changed his entire outlook of what he wants for the rest of his life. Like what his future is. Like he's always been like, I want to be a soccer player. But now he's like, boss kicks doesn't play soccer.

boss kicks fucking own soccer teams oh no so he's like i gotta own a soccer team like that's his this is real game plans like i want so he's looking at like how do you start how do you own a soccer team and the first thing you gotta do is get really really rich and so he's realized that in order to get really really rich he's gotta become one of the best soccer players in the entire world so that's his game plan he's gonna be one of the best soccer players in the world it's the old i

want to be a screenwriter, but no one makes original screenplays, so I'm going to write a hit novel first kind of moves. Wait, how many soccer players end up being on team owners? Beckham is co-owner of the team that was Bob Messy. Oh, okay. The Miami team. Yeah, I mean, you have to be a really good soccer player to own a team. But he doesn't need to own a Premier League team. He just wants to own a soccer team.

Like what level will it's not a good plan. It's more that Lincoln doesn't literally know any other way to make money. I'll kick your ball real good. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos, a.k.a. the blues. No, no. Just because we'll get to say the piano. That's right. I'm sitting at the Ivory's tonight, everybody. And I know the C major dominant chord, which is a little bluesy one. It sounds like this.

He rearranges place and Will is sitting behind the piano for this recording. No! And he's a perky, pepper, chippy, cheery school spirit mascot kid. Business fact about Normal tonight. In honor of Ron, all business facts tonight. Normal's first foray into the world of business was also his first hobby that he's very hard in the paint for, which is selling essential oils. No! Oh my God.

Normal loves an essential oil. He got his first taste of them because they would do like, you know, like his little taste of the beauty of essential oils because they would use some of them at the vegan ice cream place that have like peppermint extract and stuff like that. And he got really into it. And, you know, he started selling them. He uses them all the time to like relieve anxiety and reduce nausea, like a little bit of.

essential ginger, but he does the, he just, it's way too much. He really has, I think maybe burned out his sinuses and that's why he's a stinky boy. Cause he really like, they're like put one drop diluted 10 X, whatever. And he's just like, yeah,

Huh? He's like using his supply. He's getting stress relief on his own supply. 24 seven. But if anyone needs any essential oils that have normal, he's, you know, that might be useful. He's also working on some of his own brews, his own OC oils. He's trying to find the next great oil. The next great patchouli. Yes. What's the next one? Love it. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play scary Marlo, a goth punk seeker of darkness who doesn't want to care anymore. Um,

Fun heaven-related fact about Scary is that Scary never really believed in heaven. Actually, Scary believes only in the great polytheistic religion of Rome, ancient Rome. Oh, the essential oils of religions. Yes, truly. Because all of the gods and goddesses were just as fucked up as she is, and they were really hot.

Should I also do a Ron fact? Oh, damn. Wow. I mean, now that you said it. I mean, you have to now. Well, I had one leftover. You're just serving us your leftovers reheated. I know. It's bad. I also play Ron Sampler. Good. Emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Who cares? Fun business fact about Ron is that Ron could never be polyamorous.

Because he only met one girl named Polly and she wasn't very nice. God, uh.

I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hey, dad. I'm going to try to do facts about NPCs. Oh! Because somebody in the Teen Talk suggested that, so I'm going to try to do that. Teen Talk, which you can listen to on our Patreon. For only $5, what a deal. It's like double the content. That's a dollar an hour. Hermione and Worthy, his version of heaven would be every night he gets to perform a Midsummer Night's Dream for an audience of one. Is it normal? His dad. Oh.

His dad. I hated his dad. Wow. This is complex. This is heavy. This is heavy. Wait, is it a solo Midsummer Night's Dream performance? Yeah, one man Midsummer Night's Dream. She's doing all the parts. Wow. Didn't Cher do that for West Side Story? West Side Story. Damn. Actually, you know what? Never mind. He just wants to do Cher's West Side Story for his dad. He wants the audience to be his dad and Cher.

So when we last left you, you were in a big line outside of heaven. You've been brought there by Ron. And you realized upon watching the doodler begin to dissolve that you needed to get them back to their home dimension. And that the only way to do that was to get a whole lot of daddy magic. And the only way to get a whole lot of daddy magic was to find the dads from season one. Daryl Wilson, Ron Stampler, Glenn Close, and the other one. Excuse me?

You're going to have to find them. Get you and your dads together and then jump into their minds and get some daddy magic. Love it. And you found that the gates guarding heaven have machine gun emplacements and flying biblically accurate angels floating around surveilling the whole place. And there seems to be somebody in front of the gates with a big old book. And what are you going to do? How are you going to get inside? Angels weren't very useful, if I remember. Well,

Well, they didn't help you. You asked for help. One of them went over and put your face in its pupil and then blinked on you. Okay. And got you wet. Okay. Yeah, baby. Wait, normal examines the goo leftover on. Oh, what are you doing? Hold on, Lincoln. I'm trying something. He's trying to extract the essential oils from it. Roll Arcana. Arcana.

That's a five. I taste it. What does it taste like? Ew. Ew. It tastes like mucus. I think that was just my mucus, bud. That's a lot of mucus. What happened in there? I was scared. I was drooling in there. But you're covered in this. Yeah, well, the sum of it's, I don't know what is mine and which is his. I'm going to write this up as results. Our bodies became one. What? Angel Bud, that's the first words you said to me.

What? No, that wasn't the angel. I was saying it in your voice. Like sometimes you say what somebody else is saying. You know, jokes. Sometimes you're like, what if I said this? Dang dog. Normal is going to scrape off a little bit of the angel secretion and put in a little thing later to put into a centrifuge. Oh,

How awful. Okay. Lincoln, you seem really stressed. Do you want some lavender? What? I've been putting it on your pillow every night to help you sleep a little better, but it's also good for de-stressing. So here you go. No, that's why it hasn't helped me. I'm already... What's wrong? Well, I've been using lavender my whole life. I'm just like, it doesn't do nothing for me anymore. I need a harder stuff. Ha!

Can't really use lavender. Yeah. Say no more, fam, and I rub a little eucalyptus under your nose. Oh, now this is the stuff. You're only supposed to have this when you're sick, but let's just say daddy's always sick. Look at that from your mucus. It's very green. Anyways, okay, so we just got good. Guys, eyes on the prize.

Oh, no, Beth. Beth's not here, by the way. I mean, she's here, but she's not in the room. I'm actually sick, so. She's actually sick. It's just four boys playing D&D and a girl remoting it right now, dude. At 8.30 on a Thursday, dude. This is the most D&D we've ever gotten. Yeah, I think it's Beth's dream is to not be in the room. I'm still hung up on Anthony saying that jokes are just like, what if I said a thing? Like, that really rocked me. Yeah.

All right, guys, if we're going to get into heaven, we need to do some reconnaissance. Okay. Hit the deck. And I plop down onto the cumulonimbus cloud underneath my feet, dog. And a little puff of smoke comes up. Well, I'm just going to go ask the front gate first to see, like... Observe! Observe first! Okay. I'd like to roll perception. I just squint my eyes. I'm just looking at the gate. Who does he get bonus for squinting his eyes? No, stupid. 15 perception. 15 perception? Okay, you can tell that the person in front of the gate has a big old book and...

and a scale next to them. - Okay. - And people are coming up and talking. - Like a snake scale? Oh, you mean like a, nevermind. - Like a weighing scale, like a balance scale. And you can see people come up and talk to him. And as they talk, pieces of gold drop down onto one end of the scale. And then the person keeps talking and then pieces of like what looks to be rotting meat drop down on the other side of the scale. - Can I see, does the person that has the scale, do they have like a name tag or something? Can I know what their name is? - They're not facing you. - Oh, okay.

Let's say they turn around for a second because they hear something behind them and you can see that their name is Joey Lunch Money. That was given to us by Matthew M. Thank you, Matthew. Okay, I'm going to walk up to Joey Lunch Money. You're just going to walk up, bro. You're cutting the entire line. So everybody's giving you the fucking Ultimo stink eye. No, no, no, no. I know the move you're doing. It's a move I do in Costco all the time when I go to the bathroom and I don't even wait in line. Yeah, exactly. Hey, what's the code to the bathroom sort of like coming up?

Okay. Yeah, I come up and I say, excuse me, sir. Sorry. Just quick, quick question. Joey, Mr. Oh, you're talking to me, Joey. Yes. Hey, so we're not dead or anything. We just need to like quickly. Is there like a guest services to like visitor pass? Yeah. This is Joey's voice. We need to use the bathroom in heaven. It's a number two. So we really need to sit on those golden gates.

Roll deception with disadvantage. Because angels can see into your guts, dude. They can tell if you're holding some fucking turtle heads. Yeah, lying is going to be difficult in heaven. Oh, but I got a 17, so... With disadvantage, you got a 17? Oh, I forgot about the disadvantage. So... So...

Please. With this dimension, you got a 16, so. Nice. All right. So he goes, yeah, one of you could go in and use the bathroom, I guess. It's a long line, after all. Oh, that's great. Actually, I could really go. It's like Brooklyn Dracula. It's me, Joey Lunch Money. Who wants to go in and do a number one? You can't do number two in heaven. There's no number twos in heaven. How is it?

is it heaven then? Wait, in heaven do you never have to go number two? Yeah, unless you want to, in which case you do it in your own room. Oh,

Do you have bathrooms in heaven? No. Who are we looking for again? I mean, Grandpa Daryl's in here. And then who else is one of you guys, right? Was one of your grandpas in here, too? Well, I mean, Nick's in hell, right? Nick is in hell. And my grandpa is, you know, he's back on Earth, sort of, you know, just he's doing it up his style. So Daryl's the real one. He's the only one that got into the pearly gates. Well, I mean, you know, my grandpa's not dead yet. Well, okay. Well, we'll see, you know, then we'll see what happens. Ha ha!

For now, Darryl's going to go to heaven. I bet my grandpa would get way more into heaven than your grandpa. Okay, well, maybe. Well, he can't get more into heaven. Well, I bet there's a better heaven, and that's where my grandpa would go. Whoa, whoa, whoa. How do you know about the better heaven? Who told you? Who squealed? Joey, lunch money don't take too kindly to squealers. So, okay, well, I guess we could go to the bathroom, but also my question, do you have...

Visitor passes, no. You can only get in if you're dead and we judge you. Or if you have to use the bathroom. Or if you have to use the bathroom. This is a one-time situation where one of you gets to use the bathroom. I'll be right back. We're going to check which one of us wants to use the bathroom. What? What?

Well, we all have to go, but you're only letting one of us, and we're all going to decide. We're just really jacked up, man. Yeah, so we're just going to decide which one of us needs to go the most. Yeah, if you're going to have an open bathroom policy, you got to make it open. It's not open. I'm doing you a favor. Maybe I take the favor back. Maybe none of you get to go to the bathroom. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're going to find out which one of us needs to use the bathroom. We'll find out. Hang tight, Joey. All right, who's going in? I mean, I could really use, I do need to go to the bathroom.

But we need you to do reconnaissance when you're in there. Okay. Well, okay, so you need to go see your grandpa, probably. And Grant needs to go so that... Mr. Lee Wilson has to go also to see his grandpa. Mr. Lee Wilson has... Yes, so the point is, the point is we got to recon through and figure out a way to get all of us in there. But we have an opportunity to case the joint right now. Grant says...

boss kicks, do you think there's a way to maybe unlock the gates when you're on the other side or something? Or could you like open it? How would I know that? I don't know. I'm just saying, is that something you could maybe think about? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I'm just trying to have a plan with my business partner. Hey, Hey, you keep coming up with ideas like that.

you might work your way up to the top to be boss kicks as well. No, not be boss kicks, but I am thinking about acquiring a certain football team and maybe I could use a general manager. All right. Yeah. Okay. I can see if there's like a way to unlock the door. I mean, there might be other, they might be other doors too. I just, I feel like,

Excuse me. I swallowed a bug. I feel like, I mean, Mr. Stampler, you've been to heaven. You know, I mean, what's it like on the other side? Can you draw something? Oh, yeah. Can you just go back in there? Can't you go in and, like, let us in? Like, it seems like they'll let you in because you're dead, right? So, Ron, you remember that one of the rules of heaven is that you cannot leave and that if you did leave...

You would be in a lot of trouble if they ever found out. Just like North Korea, dawg. Guys, I'm remembering something. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's not heaven that I'm remembering, so I can't remember that for you. But I wish you the best of luck, and I'll be here to support you emotionally. And then also, if you wanted to pretend to be one person...

but just stacked on top of each other, you know, to take a big pee, like a really tall person. Maybe I could assist you with that. That's not bad. Yeah. I can go back to lunch money and tell him that our friend, our friend,

tall boy tall boy billy tall boy billy tall boy wants to take a pee because he's got the biggest biggest oh yeah he's a big boy he's got a lot of pee so i don't make sense for him and look if everybody equally had to go he's one of those really tall guys who died young do you know what i mean like andre the giant oh that's really sad yeah gosh i didn't think about that it was mr stampler mr stampler yes a question for you

Seeing as this is heaven and there appear to be biblically accurate angels everywhere and mounted machine gun nests,

Won't they see through our plan of just putting a piece of cloth between a stack of what appears to be eight of us or more? When in doubt, I just say, when you gotta go, you gotta go. Okay, so that's the backup plan. Can we take a quick look around just also while he's just here? Can I just do a perception roll? Sure. For what? I'm trying to see if there's like, I don't know, like any big whales that go over the walls of heaven or anything like that. Any fun stuff from Story Break?

I only got 13. Like what's the worst that could happen? We all die and then we just don't get in here. Like I feel like dying while you try to get into heaven is probably like the surest way not to get into heaven. Right. You're right. Like I know there's only 10 commandments, but that's probably because they didn't want that 11th one to confuse people being like, well, you can get into heaven and not get into heaven. But like, I feel like that's actually probably number one on the commandments is like, don't break into heaven. Yeah.

That's bad. That is a fucking exclusive. It's a commandment zero, if you will. Exclusive club. All right. Well, okay. So it sounds like, Link, you got to pee. I got to pee anyway. So how am I just going? And that's good because they're probably going to- I'm allowed to go. They got truth rays, right? Probably. They can see if you're lying. You're not lying. You have to pee. So why don't you go in- We have to see their security apparatus. You can see if there's anything you can use to maybe throw a ladder rope over. Baby monitor. Baby monitor. Baby monitor.

We can talk to him. Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. I'm going to do everything. Mount the baby monitor so we can have a situation room-ass view like Obama. And I feel like when they killed Bin Laden. Yeah. I feel like to be stealth, it's just about being a good person. That's how you're going to fit in there. So I'm going to do everything I can not to lie. So I'm not going to ask where the bathroom is. So I'm not lying when I say I don't know where the bathroom is. And I'm just going to walk around.

Sincerely looking for the bathroom. I'm just going to tell myself that. I am looking for the bathroom. And we're going to gather data. But I'm also looking for a way to open the door. And whether or not you guys are going to break in when I do that, I don't know. Because I have to be a good person when I'm in heaven. Otherwise, they're going to suss me out, right? I'm getting nervous. Okay, I'm just going to go in. I'm a good person. Don't be nervous, kiddo. You're going to do great. Oh, thanks. It's okay. Close your eyes. Okay.

Open your nostrils. Oh, they're always open if I know what you're about to put in front of me. Ben, take a whiff of this. And normal cracks open his OC brew. Normal secret stuff. I can smell that from over here, man. Do you feel more relaxed? No. Yeah, roll. You gotta roll and see what it is. Yeah, roll nature. There's danger roll? I've played all this. I heard nature. He said nature. Nature.

Roll danger. That's a four. Okay, so it's one of the worst. It's the fourth worst thing you've ever smelled. Okay, but I got a 21 when I rolled nature. Oh, so you like it. Breathe it in.

Smell that? That's fungus. Oh my God, I got a 19. I'm like, okay. Kind of like black licorice. It's not great at first, but just the more you dig in. Yeah, it's a sharp scent. It's a sharp scent. It's been in my pocket for a while. Taylor gets a 10. That's got a little bit of a funk to it. It feels like it's matured slightly in the time that you've had it. Yes, it has. The adults in Hermia are horrified by it, and they're all covering their noses. Okay, guys. So you all have

You all have advantage on your next roll for doing so good smelling my essential oil. And I cap it back up. That's great. So you're going to do great. Yeah, that doesn't happen. Oh,

They got plus one or something on their skill check? What does an essential oil have to do with anything? Look, I just, I read an article in Scientific American before I came over and they said that the science on essential oils is inconclusive. Okay. So it's inconclusive as to whether or not it'll help. So a die roll feels pretty inconclusive about whether or not

We'll see what happens on your next dive. Hey, uh, normal. You mind if I just take that with me? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's, it's, I was weird, but I kind of like the smell. Then I'll know maybe if I get stuck there or whatever. I don't know. It's just, you know, I like that you did that for me. Oh, well, yeah. Okay, great. Okay. All right. Tie this baby monitor to your chest. I got it.

Underneath your shirt. Yeah, of course. I've been so nervous about sharing the essential oils with you guys because, frankly, most of them are made out of really dangerous stuff and I don't want to embarrass myself and admit that I don't know what I'm doing, but if this is like... This could become a whole part of my personality. That's, you know...

This could be a ticket to owning a football team. If you can't sell soils like this, maybe I don't have to be a football player. You've got quite the sharp business sense, young man. I think you'll go far. Are you talking, who are you talking to? Everybody. Oh, okay. Oh, wait, hold on, hold on. Is it going to be okay for dude to just be here, just like standing in line though? Look at all these people. We're in heaven, aren't we? Yeah. This is the line into heaven. That is a distinction.

oh yeah so the thing is the line into heaven is still like accessible to anybody who can't get into heaven i mean people try you heard from jerry earlier but yeah people always stand in line who aren't actually good people so dude isn't you know safe here i guess we gotta like break dude in with us i guess the only way out is through does that work for you dude

Yeah. Yeah, it works for me. Okay, so you've got the baby monitor strapped to your chest. Yep. What are you going to do? I walk up to him. I go, sir, we've decided that I have to pee the most. Okay. So I will take this very kind gesture of yours, despite why you're in heaven, because you are so kind to people like me. You're in heaven, get it? Oh, my God. Yeah, so I'm just going to go. Oh, my God. Don't worry about me. You seem like a busy man. I'm just going to go straight in and find the bathrooms by myself, and I start walking. Yeah, just go. No. Oh, wow. That's overwhelming.

Wow, even the gates are bigger than I thought they'd be. And I try to walk through. So Joey says, yeah, just go ahead. Oh, whoa. Hey, Joey, are gates, are they always this big? Are they like bigger depending on what sort of people are coming here?

These gates, they're always pretty big. But like, are there like, it just makes me think these gates are too big for humans. Are there other, are there aliens? Are there tall aliens? You know what? I want to be surprised. Don't tell me. I hate it. I hate it.

And I tried to walk through the door before. He says, okay, just go in. Joey! What? I'm going to try to back up to the door so I can zip away before he tells me. He's trying to slowly fade away before Joey can tell him where to go. Roll stealth then. Because I don't want to lie when I say I don't know where the bathroom is. All right, roll stealth to see if you can get away from him while he's trying to talk to you. Okay.

I want to get in there.

My family and my dog are waiting for me. So Taylor, roll intimidation. Matt, you roll. I got three deception. Okay. Wait. Taylor, roll intimidation. Inspiration. No. Taylor, roll intimidation. Seven plus one, eight. Okay, so that's not going to work. Essential oil gives you a plus one, so you got an eight. Yeah, dude, I was standing next in line to a guy with no family and a guy who hates dogs. I don't care.

Sure. So Joey says, yeah, just go ahead and go in and step under the angel and it'll tell you where to go, basically. Okay. Damn it. I walk and can I roll just to forget what I just heard? Ha ha ha!

roll a wisdom saving throw that you want to fail. Yeah, dude, fucking slam and sniff that thing, dude, and try and clear out your short-term memory. The mummy tells me I turn the corner and I take a sniff of the essential oil. Roll a wisdom saving throw and you want to fail. God, I got 16. Ooh, you succeeded. You remembered too well. Oh, dude, it's like my favorite line in fucking Inception. Let's say I tell you not to think about elephants. What are you thinking about? Elephants. Ah, I love it. All right, I walk in.

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You are doing a good job. I know it's hard to be a parent, but you're hanging in there. Thanks so much for this wonderful KiwiCo. Your kid's got a deep voice. With KiwiCo, there's always something new for kids to discover, like engineering robots or learning about the science of ice cream. It's cold. It's just cold. That's all it is. What was the project you've been doing, Matt? There's other stuff, too. Yeah, there's more about it. Yeah, what have you been doing? It's got to freeze fat in there. That's why you can't just use olive oil all willy-nilly. What have you been doing, Matt? What have I been doing? With your kid, not, you know, with KiwiCo.

We did the hydraulics thing, so I kept the mechanic vibe going. We got this little... You golf, Freddy. You know how they pick up golf balls on the ground? You know, at the driving range? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built this little... It's not a sweeper, but it's kind of like a little chompy. It's shaped like a little whale, not like a golf cart. Not like an armored killdozer golf cart. No, no, no. But it was fun to build, and you could decorate afterwards, so my daughter had a good time. But it teaches something about mechanics and how gears work and stuff, and it's just fun to run around and pick up stuff off the floor.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. So inside you see another one of those biblically accurate angels is floating around and its pupil focuses on you and it wafts over to you and pauses above you and you see water begin to form at the edges of its eyeball and the water pools at the bottom of it and a big teardrop is about to drop onto you. Hold your breath! Hold your breath, Link! I dodge it. Okay, roll a dexterity saving throw.

17. Okay. So you effortlessly dodge out of the way of the teardrop, which hits the cloud just next to you. And the angel narrows its eyes. Oh, sorry, buddy. I didn't know you were already going here. I'll find another place to go back. What a save. Come on. Roll deception. Shit.

Dude, and somewhere on Earth, a hurricane forms. That's how it happens. That's how it happens, dude. Ooh, 16 deception. Jesus, okay. So the 16 deception, you manage to convince the angel. The angel narrows its eyes, which is to say narrows its whole body at you, and looks over to the side and kind of cocks its head a little bit as if to say, like, bathroom is that way. Okay.

And you understand it, even though it said nothing. Nothing. It spoke directly to the very fiber of your being. I feel a little bit of my soul disappear, too, as I lied straight to an angel. I'm already worried. Can I just, like, get an overall, like, what do I see? Sure. So you come across. You're on the other side of the door. Okay. So you basically see a crossroads. Are there clouds above? Is it just open sky? It's open sky. Oh, okay.

Do you see the chicken that crossed the road in here? No, but you do see the family guy chicken who fights his way through the background. Like, yeah, maybe still fighting. Jesus watches like, Oh, that's sick. To the left. You can see a bunch of doors to the right. You see what looks to be an ocean of papers.

And in front of you, you see a big empty throne. So you can go left, right, or forward. So wait, what kind of throne? I want to double check. Is there anything else to know about the gate? There's no door. How do I get back? Do I just open the door of the gate again? You're going to go and knock on the gate, presumably. A voice crackles over. Link, it's normal.

Oh, hey. Hey, guys. So an angel tried to pee on me. And then there's like a big sea of letters, papers or something. Maybe not letters, papers. I don't know what they are. I haven't gone close enough to see what's on them. But paper, definitely paper I can see from here. And there's doors, a lot of doors. And there's like, I think God's chair up here. But he's gone. Wow.

Which I just realized he's gone? Is that God's chair? Can I see any sign that it's whose chair it is? You gotta go forward to investigate it if you want to. I mean, it's just a gate here. I don't think we're gonna be able to sneak past him. Maybe you should pee first. Do what? Maybe you should pee first? Because if you go to pee, they're not gonna think anything's up. You can keep looking around, and then after you pee, you just, you know, get a little fake lost on your way back to the gate.

No, don't pee first. Sorry. This is Ron Sampler. What's up, Ron? Don't pee first because the moment that you pee, they'll know that your objective is over. Oh, that's a good idea. Wait, wait. Have you been keeping up with your Kegels? My what? Taylor here. Hey, listen. Listen to me. What is that? You're going to need a start. He jumped into a Metal Gear Solid-Ass Cut. He was like, Kegels or an exercise. Kegels. With real footage of people doing Kegels like human beings. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stop footage that Hideo Kojima found. Press the action button to clench your butthole, Link. Yeah, the entire podcast pauses as a disc loads and goes like, the American gynecologist Arnold Kegel first published a description of subject exercises in 1948. It's like the torture scene where he's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

After World War II. Okay. The world was split into two. That's the worst line in any video game. Okay. Okay. And then, listen, what you need to do is this. Okay. Listen to me good. Are you just telling me how not to pee myself? No, listen to me. You're going to start a stream, and then you're going to cut it off mid-stream. That way, you'll have plausible deniability. You'll always have pee in the bladder. That way, if anyone is carrying- I have pee in my bladder right now. But you have to start the piss, and then stop the piss. Okay. He's right. There's no choice. Sure. Okay. Oh.

Oh, there I did it. I'm just humoring him so he'll stop telling me about you. So you didn't actually piss yourself? No, I didn't actually piss myself. All right, roll deception. Just for Taylor? Taylor, roll insight. Cut to Taylor on the other side of the gates with like fucking both headphones on. Like the fucking, you remember that? The conversation? Like Bruno Gans, the fucking lies of others. Like straight up, he's sitting there. Like he's in the lies of others like listening so intensely, dude. I got a deception. Okay, roll insight, Taylor.

13 plus 4, 17. You can tell he's lying to you. Lincoln. What? We need to trust each other here. It's not that I don't trust you, I'm just confused. All I'm saying is this. When you go into the paper, which is where you need to go piss, you cannot let go of your paper.

How do you know? You said you described the area around you. Yeah. You cannot. The doors could be bathrooms. You could not release. You cannot release your payload entirely. Do you understand? That's a mission critical objective. You must retain part of your payload. That way it gives you possible deniability. The angels will know if you're out of pee. Ron just told us that. So, but what if I just don't pee now? Yeah.

Why do I have to pee a little bit now? They're going to make you if they don't see you going to the restroom. They said the restroom is by the paper. Okay. Oh, God. I peed a little. Did you really pee a little? I did. Okay. So roll constitution to see if you can stop the flow. Matt, did you really pee a little in real life? No, not me. You can be honest, Matt. You can't prove it, Matt. They're not here. I know. Guys, don't tell her anything. Don't tell her anything. Roll constitution. The girl can't know I peed. Okay.

Imagine if boys were like, girls can't know that we peed. I mean, that's kind of what being a girl is like. What do boys do when they go in the bath? Nothing. We wash our hands. We talk. We talk and wash our hands a lot. That's why we're so clean. That's why you always notice us boys being so clean. I got 17. Okay, with 17, you managed to kegel real good and...

Cut off the flow. He's beginning to believe. I just got a little P. You got a little dot in your crotch. That's literally what Taylor does. He's beginning to believe. Okay, well, thanks, guys. I peed my pants a little bit. All right, just like that. Okay, great. Okay, well, I guess I'll walk towards the papers. I'm going to walk towards the papers. So the ocean of papers, you can see that. You guys are still with me, right? Yes. Okay, just checking. You can see that it goes. You're still with me, right? Yes. I'm scared. Okay, keep going. Wait, who's that? That was me, Hermie. Oh, what's up, Hermie? Hey, what's up?

Are you guys all just like listening? Yeah. What else are we doing? We're just waiting in line. We're all sharing a single set of AirPods. Just don't make it too obvious because they might be like, okay, just like act casual while you're listening though because I don't want to.

I don't want to. No, you can go ahead of us. We're just waiting for our friend. Go on. We're waiting for our friend to die. No, we're not lying. No, we're not lying. He's a podcaster. We're waiting for him to, you know, do the thing. Okay. Podcasters do not go to heaven. No. You think Ira Glass is rolling up to heaven? They're going to take one look at him and be like, God, this American life, free stories from hell. The end of this American life. Okay. Okay. I walked towards the paper. So you see what seems to be an almost, are there aliens by the way?

You don't know yet. Okay, I'm not seeing anything around here. You haven't seen anybody yet. It's empty. You can see an ocean of individual sheaths of paper extending as far as the eye can see toward the horizon. And amongst the papers, you see dolphins like jumping and diving into the paper, picking up paper with their beaks, beaks? Their noses. Snouts? Snouts? What do dolphins have? They're more snout-coated than beak pills.

No. God, you piece of shit. It's called a rostrum. Guys, there's dolphins swimming in these papers. I can't pee in here. And they are trying to put them into what you see look like large filing cabinets, and they are pulling open the filing cabinets and trying to shuffle through a bunch of different papers and place papers down. But more papers keep coming in, falling from the sky as they do so. It's nice that all those dolphins have a porpoise up there. Mm-mm-mm.

You go to hell. No! Wait, wait. And this is where you're supposed to pee? No, you assumed that. No, he said this is where you're supposed to pee. He said this is the direction you're supposed to go to pee. Oh, okay. I want to look up on the paper. Yeah, you've just got to find the right echo location. Okay, you both get advantage for dad stuff. I don't think we should. I think you should. I don't know if I want to touch the paper. I want to get real close to one so I can see what are on the papers. Okay. I'm moving in. I'm going to look at what the papers are. Okay.

You're still holding on to your pee, right? Yeah. God, yes. Also, it's moist up here. I don't think it's ever going to dry. It's moist? What? You know how sometimes you get a little wet? It's like a hot day. You're on top of the pools. You don't even need a towel. It's dry right away. But my pee, I don't know. It's just moist up here. Roll perception. I got a 14. All right. So with a 14, you can see that...

The 14th, you can see that one piece of paper has a name on it. The name is Freddy Spaghetti. And beneath it are a series of numbers. It says row 15,280, column 9,865,302. Oh, hey. So it's a name and like a bunch of numbers. It's like the Excel sheet from hell.

And then on the other side, you only rolled a 14. Yeah. So you don't know what's on the other side. I look harder. You flip it over. You can flip it over with your hand if you want to. Okay, I'm going to touch it and flip it over with my hand. All right, roll stealth. Look harder. Nine?

A dolphin beak clamps around your hand as you reach for it. Link, what's going on in there? Is this toilet paper? Look, I got pee on. I'm not lying. I got pee on my pants. The dolphin looks down at your pants, sees the pee spot, narrows its eyes, and then nods, and a portal opens up to your right that looks like it enters into hell. Oh, thanks a lot. Hell? Oh, what? Wait, are you saying I'm in a hell bud? Okay, okay, okay.

No, I gotta go pee. I gotta clean up. It nods. Oh. Like, it's normal. Yeah, I'm in a situation. Piss into hell. Yeah, okay. You gotta piss into hell. Okay, yeah, I'm gonna, uh, can I read the back of the paper? Well, the dolphin caught you and now it's looking at you, so. Yeah. Hey, I'm just gonna look at the back of this paper, bud. I'm just really curious. That's like not a sin. Curiosity is not one of the seven ones. So. Yeah, they definitely didn't get in trouble for doing something curious in the Garden of Eden. Oh, you got me. Ha!

You got me. Okay, you're right. I'm just going to go pee. Hey, hey, bud, you're doing a good job. I'm glad. I'm glad you guys got a porpoise up here. They disobeyed. I gave him a little wink. Roll persuasion. Also, just as a theology role here, Anthony, it's technically because they disobeyed the direct order from God. I got it.

off i got because they were curious about what the thing was i know but the direct order was don't look at the thing yeah fair enough i mean i got three all right so with the three it goes like it's heard that joke before all right guys i guess i guess i'm gonna walk up can i get it for free okay i'm gonna walk to that door all right the portal into hell i'm not going in it yet no you don't have to i'm gonna get real close you're gonna go in it oh yeah

Am I supposed to... Wait. I turn back to what was I... Do you guys pee into hell? The dolphin nods. That doesn't seem nice. The dolphin shrugs. I mean, but like, I guess that seems like a thing they would do in hell is like pee on people. It feels like up here where you shouldn't do that. The dolphin rolls its eyes. Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I guess you don't get judged once you're in here. Dolphin shakes its head. Well, you know what? I got in here because I'm a good person. So I think I'm going to go find a nicer place to pee and I walk away. Dolphin shrugs and goes, it's a living and jumps back into the papers. Okay, so there's definitely a portal in hell we can pee in, but that doesn't really help us find Daryl. Wait, wait, the portal through hell? Yeah. What did it look like? I mean, what did it look like? You can see that it opened onto the topmost layer of hell, which you have been to before. Yeah. And that it basically was just going to make it rain pee there. Yeah.

So that's what it was. Wait, does that mean that the best way to sneak into heaven is through hell? Whoa! You guys are smart. You're right. We don't need it. Yeah, okay, let's go in that way. Okay, Link. You're going to need... You're going to know. What? You're our man on the inside. Listen, Link, this is going to be the hardest thing. Hold on to that pee. This is going to be the hardest thing you've ever done. This is what you need to do. If you're going to pee, stay in line. You need to start peeing, Link. However, hear me out. Yeah. You must...

Drip feed the pee. You have to ration your piss while we get in position. Okay. That's a good idea. I'm just going to act really morally like. Conflicted. Yeah, conflicted about doing it. So I'm just going to stay here. Lincoln, I believe in you. I believe in your kudos. Now watch the Dolphins schedule to see like, you know, what their motions are. Like, when's the best time for you guys to like pop out or whatever. That's great. Okay.

Okay. Good, good, good. Okay, good, good, good. All right, here I go. You know what, Mr. Dolphin? And don't forget, you can contact us on baby monitor code 140.85. Okay. I mean, I'll just talk. It's just like babies don't have the ability. Like, they got to just work. Imagine babies had to, like, tweak the fucking...

Honey, can you just check the codec code? Daddy's codec code is written on the instruction manual for the baby monitor. The baby's trying to save and it doesn't remember which codec code. Don't worry, we'll be on channel on.

Okay, so I guess I'm just going to do it, but boy, I feel bad about peeing, and I lower my pants all the way because that's how Lincoln pees. No, Link, you guys spent 20 minutes undoing your belt, dude. Fiddling with your belt is delay tactic. Go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go. All right, how do we get to hell? Mr. Stampler. Gary. Someone. What do we do? Nick. All right, Nick's with you. Nick goes, I mean...

You say, bitch, he falls down back into hell. But that takes us to the deepest. That takes you to the deepest part of how you're right. I think it's too late for him. He's already down. He's in turbo hell. He crawls back up. Nick says, I mean, you have to die. But remember last time you were in hell, they said you can only come one. So we have to sneak in if we're going to sneak in. That's the real hell. That's the real hell. He can only come once. You get one.

The second you enter, the king's belly, you get one. Dude, there's going to be one guy in hell who's just like, I haven't burned it yet. It's been a thousand years. I'm saving it. Saving it. Saving it for a special occasion. Wait for the right lady to come down finally. So you're saying in order to sneak into heaven, we have to sneak through hell. But just the top layer of hell where they pee. Oh, here's the plan. Okay, dad. Here's the plan. We dress up as... I don't know how much longer it could take.

We can't just take you by... That's right, okay. I'm going to keep drinking my spit to fill up. Okay, I'll be quiet. We should pretend to be... Hear me out. We should pretend to be like...

AC repairmen and come in big. You got a leak up here. You know, and then we repair people. And then that way we can come in with ladders and tools and then use the ladder to go into heaven. Yeah, we can be like hail plumbers. Yeah. Okay, you can take... This guy gets it. You currently have Rogue who can move between the realms. Great. Rogue is from heaven. So you can take Rogue to wherever you would like. We need to stop by like a Grainer's. We could also pretend to be angels.

on like a cultural ambassadorship you know like when there's an election in a country that doesn't have great elections and then they have election observers we just be some angels they're like hey we're here to observe hell we want to take notes interesting and then we go around oh and we ask for a tour of hell and in exchange we'll give you guys one of your guys a tour of heaven we don't need to do a tour we just need to get to the top layer of hell because we can fly straight up with uh road care

okay so it sounds like no matter what we're gonna do we need to go to a separate realm the spirit halloween realm where we get all of our costumes yeah we need to get rogue like dressed up like an angel so that we can do the cultural ambassadorship okay to be clear we're angel plumbers or something i don't know we'll see what costumes are good at spirit halloween okay so you go to the spirit halloween realm spirit halloween realm used to be the uh what's another plane what's a famous plane it's actually another plane but like they're not

using it right now, so that seasonally it's the spirit Halloween. Seasonally the ethereal plane turns into the spirit Halloween. Oh my god, wait, I have a... Okay, that's fucking rules, because you've established that now canonically, you can't no-tixie-baxies. I have etherealness, which allows me to walk into the ethereal plane. Oh right, you did that pretty recently, so you would have seen a spirit Halloween the last time you were in the school and you went into the ethereal plane, you saw a spirit Halloween in the distance and it confused you. But I was only in the bathroom.

Yeah, you were only in the bathroom of the Spirit Halloween. Which was a best buy. You get on Rogue's back and Rogue zooms downward and then zooms to the left and then zooms like fifth dimensionally and you feel the entire world warp around you. The entire universe sort of shift around you weirdly and you don't feel like you're moving at all. But when everything resolves back into something that you can recognize, you are in what appears to be the parking lot of a very typical Spirit Halloween superstore. Holy shit, they still got Quiznos here.

Yeah, and there's a Quiznos and nothing else. And yeah, you can head inside the Spirit Halloween and they have all the exact things you expect from Spirit Halloween, but weird magical versions of them. So go ahead and roll perception or investigation. I'm going to pick up a toasty torpedo sub at Quiznos first.

And then I'll be joining everybody else. I got a six. All right. With the six, you don't see anything out of the ordinary. I see an 18. I see an 18. I got an 18. You see an 18. You see the hottest woman you have ever seen in your life. She's like as hot as two very hot women. Yeah. Just two supermodels stacked on top of each other. Trying to get into an R-rated movie. No, I've seen two 10s that look better. No.

Your guy on Reddit. Go straight to hell. So within the Spirit Halloween realm, there are a bunch of costumes that will permanently change you into looking like something different, but you can tell that they are permanent. They have big labels on them that say permanent change. Now, sorry, sorry, just a quick question.

It says permanent change. The picture on the costumes. Is it the stock model photo? Yes. Okay. And they all have like really non trademark infringing names of the things that you're looking for. Child wizard. Exactly. Child wizard. Robot assassin. Apocalypse man. Fantasy plumber. Threatening businessman. The Matrix. Okay.

Oh, I thought that was American Psycho. I was like, Slender Man? Yeah, you know, hey. It works for all of them. That's why it's one of the best sellers. You see Guardian of Heaven. You see... Guardian of Galaxy. Guardian of Galaxy. You see Amazing Woman. Sentinel of the Inferno. You see a lot of different things. So what are you looking for? Yeah, where are your non-permanent costumes? Oh.

The clerk, who is a cute goth guy who's on his phone, goes, I don't we don't. Yeah, he doesn't. He ignores you almost entirely. Move over, Ron. Excuse me. Hi. Where are your. Oh, what's it called? Your non-permanent costumes. How old are you? You can talk to my stepdad, Ron. OK, cool.

Because I'm a goth guy, so if you're underage, I'm probably into this. I'm really, really nice to women in public. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Biblically, actor angels, big eyeball, bunch of feathers, right? We need to turn rogue into a big eyeball, and then we got to drape a bunch of feathers over him to make him look like an angel. And the people in hell won't know because they're in hell.

But it needs to look like a passable angel from heaven. Do you know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. Okay. Oh! Or we just get a can of... Oh, God, that's some of it! Or we get a can of black spray paint. Hear me out. We get a can of marking paint, and we just paint on Rogue, new angel type. Okay. Do you understand? Okay. Quick update, guys. That's about... I'm about 25% gone. Okay. All right, we gotta hurry. We gotta... Hold on. Hold on. It's okay. You know what? Take your time. I got a plan.

He may shift into second gear, if you know what I mean. I don't know what you mean. There may be a turtle about to poke its head out of and see its own shadow. So you were saying about the non-permanent costumes? Yeah, they don't exist. That freaking sucks, man. Yeah, what kind of story is this? I mean, come on. What are you doing? It's not Halloween. We fucking sit around and count all our money. We disappear into the ethereal plane.

And become nothingness with a void. And then we come back to make people change their appearances once every season. What do you do? Well, I'm a teenager, sir. That's the situation. We just need to figure out. All right. All right. This situation. All right. I guess I'm just going to have to turn into something weird so that, and then I'll just be stuck that way for the rest of my life so that we can get it. Hold on. It's important, Taylor. We're trying to turn the dog.

into an angel to get us into the heaven pee hole in hell. I understand that. Okay. Weren't we going to be like heaven plumbers or something? By the time they see this dog. You're kind of the only one who's throwing the heaven plumber idea out. I think we can get through this without changing our faces. Yes. The point is by the time Rogue here parks up next to the

P-hole will be in through there. It'll be too late. Wait, I have an idea. Okay. I have an idea. Hear me out. Yeah. Sir, I'm sorry. We got off on the wrong foot. We're representatives from hell and we're here to deliver a bunch of spirit Halloween costumes to hell.

And then our cover, guys, will be that we're delivering costumes to hell for everybody in the first row of hell. I love how convoluted this guy is. Role deception. And then Taylor wants to help by, like, taking out a pen and, like, pretending to do inventory. How many pallets you got? You guys got any pallets? I got a 10. My deception was an 18 plus 5, 23. All right, 23. So that means you get advantage on your role normal. Oh, okay, great. Hey!

Did you check the palettes? That's a 16. Okay, so with a 16, he goes, again, you want to do a Halloween thing? Sure. What do you want? We love Halloween down in hell, and we'll take, you know, what do we like down there? Devil costumes. We like your Freddy Kruegers. We'll take, you know, maybe a- All your non-IP infringing- Politicians. Politicians, yeah. Big head mode. Big head mode costumes. We just need a lot, and-

That was a huge one every year, I tell you. He's called Block Man. No, he's called Steve. Steve is copyright infringing. He's called Block Man. You're right, you're right, you're right. So you want Block Man, you want Nightmare? If you make me laugh, I won't be able to hold on.

Sounds like you want Block Man, you want Nightmare Pervert, you want Red Pitchfork Dude. I think you could just say The Devil. I don't think that one's... Arizona's got that one copyrighted on sports teams. Yeah, we want Red Pitchfork Man. We want 50 Purple Magic Man. We want 55 Purple Magic Man. And give us some Yellow Skateboard Kids. Okay.

And yeah, it says don't take my cow on the labels. So yeah, he's like a farmer. So yeah, that's load them up, my man. 50. What he says. Slingshot guys, 50 Steve's 50 block bands, 50 of Mr. Red Pokey head. And okay, that's fine. That'll be one soul. Oh, you know, I left it in my other pants. Hold on. I don't see any of your employees in the back. Who's going to load this up?

Me. What? You? Just you? Yeah. You're the only one working here?

All right, guys. Take him out. I want everyone to jump him at the exact same time. Okay. Everybody roll an attack because you got a surprise round. Hey, he was gross. It's okay. You can kill him. 16 plus 5, 21. All right. Roll damage. Are we fucking him up? I just want to take him down. In D&D, you can decide that it's non-lethal damage. I was going to roll Eldritch Blast. Yeah, you can Eldritch Blast him non-lethally with

as little sense as that makes. Okay, well, my first move will be just a hard karate chop at the back of the head. Eight damage. That's an 18. Okay. You Eldritch Blast him, you karate chop him, all the dads jump on him and just start kicking the shit out of him. Hermes just like, yeah, yeah, get him, get him, yeah, yeah. He's just hype manning and he gets knocked unconscious. No, I want to kill him now. Okay, he's dead. No, I'm kidding.

That's why you don't tell everyone how many people are working at your store. All right, guys, let's go. All right, so you run out of the spirit of Halloween. Loaded with costumes. Hey, guys, guys. Rogue loaded for bear. Sorry, I finally have a moment. I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in a couple days. Oh, no. Link...

How long have you been out there? What do you mean? It's been a couple days. No, it hasn't. Oh, because the realms are all different, dude. It's okay. I figured it out. I got a good plan going. Have you been holding your B this whole time? I've been recycling. Oh, my God. They're kind of getting used to me now. Okay. I'm kind of polite, just like the whole, like, I'm conflicted, and, like, they're talking to me. They're pretty busy. I don't think time matters so much here. A series of dolphins have just sort of lined up to just watch you. Yeah.

Check out this guy drinking his beer. Yeah, one of them's like, and another one goes, and then it swims over and then every so often you get another dolphin watching you until there's like 20 dolphins watching you. Yeah, they essentially just watch me go like, oh right, they deserve it. They're in hell. That's why they do it. And then right when I start being like, oh, I can't do it, I cluck my pee in a cup and I go, well, I don't want to throw this out. Better in than out.

But I gotta say, the color is getting pretty rowdy. So, just however fast it's going, I don't know how much longer I can do this. And this looks like a frothy Guinness coming out. Oh, God. You truly are a piss boy. Wow. Just, I'm sure you guys are doing great. Hopefully, see you soon. We'll see you in the city. Hang on, we will come back for you. We ride Rogue into hell.

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Dude, look at me in the eyes. I'm looking. We are going to be embarking upon a stealth mission. Stealth, yeah. Dude seems very impressionable. I'm a little worried about bringing dude into hell. So let's just all try to be on our best behavior on the rest of this mission, okay? And dude, just if you see something weird, just close your eyes and look away, okay? Close my eyes, look away. Uh-huh. Just focus on us and look away and don't worry about anything, any of the horrible shit you're going to see down there, okay? No problem. You get to the gates of hell. Evil St. Peter is there.

Lion Hell is actually pretty short because they just pretty much let everybody in pretty easily. It's Jimmy Dinnerbucks. Yes. Jimmy Dinnerbucks goes, What are you doing here? Who are you guys? We're from Spirit Halloween, my good man, for running a promotion.

Looks here on my list, looks like you four have already been here. Well, yeah. We're not here to stay. We're here to deliver these Spirit Halloween costumes. Why don't you give them to me and I'll bring them in. Sure, no problem. Jesus. You see, when you handle business as important as I do, it's kind of a do-it-yourself job. So we would... Yeah, we need to speak to your supervisor. This is a big order and delivery. We already called it through. And before we speak to your supervisor, we need to change. Yeah.

Okay. Roll intimidation, Taylor. Well, I'm deceiving him, aren't I? Because by saying that, I called it ahead already. You're basically saying, let me talk to your boss. You're going Karen on that. So that's intimidation.

Oh, natural one. He goes, no, you guys are trying to sneak in. Link, open the door! Yeah, you got us. Isn't that such a naughty, hellish thing to do? Can I cause a distraction by unleashing the most foul Guinness fucking urine possible? Can I, like, look at where that guy is from above? Can you snipe? It's like fucking squirting down jello shots, dude. Oh, God. All right, give me a...

Give me a constitution roll and then a ranged attack roll. I'm not proud of what we've done today. No, I am. I am. It's a six. It hurts. Okay. It hurts a lot. You're going to take three D20 of damage. Oh, no. You've been holding this for days. Yeah. Oh, my God. It's been like another three days since you guys talked to me.

Oh, God. That's 35 damage. Oh, my God. I'm bloodied. Blood. Oh, shit. Blood adds. Blood's also part of it. You don't want blood in the urine. Now roll the ranged attack roll. Lord, forgive me for what I'm doing. Just cut it.

Dude, recite the Lord's Prayer, my man. I hold one of my hands out, so, like, hoping that a dolphin will, like, grab. Like, I just need support. Yeah, a dolphin goes, and it grows out and gives you its fin. Okay, I'm rolling a rage attack roll. As you fucking blast hell with fucking...

Stale urine, dude. This podcast, man. They're going to play this when we die. Do you understand, Anthony? You're going to be dead. You're going to be seen for a second. They're going to play this as justification for executing us. That's true. And I'm going to stand there in front of the fucking gallows and I'll say, ah, yes, I regret nothing. Ooh. That's a 16 plus 4, 19. Okay, so you...

With the precision of a U.S. Ranger sniper... Chris Kyle! With the precision of Chris Kyle, American sniper, you manage to send a jet of yellow liquid. I go, this isn't Lincoln, Chris boy.

This is boss kicks. Piss man. Piss man. And the power of your piss. So you've been dripping one drop at a time onto one specific spot in hell this entire time. And every time he hits the ground. He's just like, I guess this is mine. I guess this is my hell. Yeah, this is my torture. But he's a human guy. But this demon...

You pee on him with water straight from heaven. Oh shit. That you've been praying about. Oh shit! So when it hits him, it is holy water and it like melts a hole straight through his fucking skull and he falls to the ground dead dead and goes nowhere. Punch it!

Get on Rogue! So I was just like, we should just ride Rogue up into the piss hole, right? Yeah, we should ride Rogue into heaven, yeah. Alright, you ride Rogue through the hole. He's riding through my urine like fucking Millennium Falcon through asteroids, just dodging fucking piss drops left and right. Yeah, because now it's starting, you can't stop it. Yeah, I'm still going. I can't turn it off, guys. My kegels aren't strong enough. This is days. It doesn't even feel like pee anymore. It's like a smoothie. It's like a fucking smoothie coming out of me.

Just end the episode. Just end the fucking episode. So you zoom back in through the portal from hell back into heaven and you are now on the other side of heaven. A bunch of dolphins are looking at you with confused looks on their faces. Question, question, question, question. Theological question. Okay. Because very few in the Bible have transitioned from heaven to hell, heaven to hell back. Right? You know what I'm saying? What does it feel like? It's,

It's us, Lucifer. Who else has done this? Well, Lucifer only went the one way. Yeah, but he was on the highway. I don't think in Paradise Lost, Milton gets into the part where God peed and then Lucifer dived through a hole into hell. I feel like it's walking into a Whole Foods. It's hot outside, and then we go through...

It's like a little gust of air. And then it's like a nice, like 64 degrees. And you're like, this place is too nice for me. Now question. Does Matt have to roll a dexterity roll for a link to dive out of the way of rogue hurtling up towards this sort of piss hole that he's made? No, I think that you obviously avoided me because if you came straight at me, you're getting hit by that fucking super P that is like melting people.

It's a big hole, right, Anthony? It's like portal. It's big enough. I thought that it was going to be like Rogue's going to park alongside of it like an airplane at a terminal. I know you're not the DM, but I'll do a dexterity save just for you, Will. Also, I got two plus three. Rogue plows into your fucking ass and knocks you back onto the ground.

Anthony, I've also gone ahead and made a dexterity roll for Normal to try to bottle a little bit of this celestial pee essence to potentially reduce to another essential oil. What? He's a scientist, okay? Normal? That's weird.

Since when? Look, normal is ready to go beyond the bounds of what is, you know, accepted in the world of essential oils. And, you know, it's like this could be like the next ambergris, you know? Yeah, it could be the next like anthrax, too. So just be careful here. If someone looked at ambergris and said, that's gross, that's like whale barf, I'm not going to get anywhere. We wouldn't have any perfume industry. Like this hideous substance could be like, you know, it could be useful. Whatever. What was your role?

I got a stuffy. All right. You just get piss in your mouth. Oh, God. No. This whole episode has been. That's what happens. It's my fault. I don't know what to tell you. We should just do another piss shot parody. Okay. So what happens? So, yes, you have been through hell and back and have barely avoided getting pissed on except for normal. And then we went to real hell. Hey-o. What? Because we were in a spirit Halloween. Oh, fuck.

Sorry, Anthony, please continue. I apologize. It's so rare you get to hear Freddy truly crestfallen. You got to enjoy those moments where you can get him. Punished Freddy. The dolphins are going, and they're jumping back and forth, like not quite knowing what to do. Whoa, dolphins. I turn around and say, hey, hey guys, we've been through a lot this past week. Can you just trust me? Like, this is cool. Don't worry, we're not going to ruin anything.

Like, right. I haven't done anything while I'm here. What is cool? Let's just be cool. Right. Dolphins. Let's just be cool. Hey, you and I look at, you have a good name. You definitely have. Hey, Flippy. I didn't say anything. Why are you taking those extra lunch breaks? Right.

I didn't knock on you. Squeak, squeak. Okay, so just like stay cool. All right, roll persuasion or intimidation. I'll do persuasion. I don't want to intimidate my fellow. Yeah, is it gentle parenting? Natural 20. Wow. I think Matt's on his way to starting a new folk religion in heaven amongst the dolphins about Lincoln. This infinite pea boy. Yeah. The man from Gallipy. The man from Gallipy. Is anything there? Sure. Is anything there? It's no real hell spirit Halloween, but we'll take it.

So, yes, the dolphins all nod to you slowly and then they turn and look the other way very intentionally as if to allow you to do whatever you need to do to get around. Great. Let's escape. I mean, not escape. No, no, we're not going to escape. Yeah. Well, during this past week and a half where I've clearly become friends with these dolphins, eventually they did find the piece of paper that said Daryl Wilson on it. And I got the number. Yeah.

Right? Yeah, I feel like you certainly had the time. Hell yeah. I want to hear, though. I just do want to hear the quick snippet of you throwing that over your shoulder as you're fucking squeezing out piss like Go-Gurt. Hey, guys, so, like, you probably get this all the time because, obviously, like, I'm alive. So, like, obviously, I have people that I knew that are dead.

And I don't know if I wanted to visit one of them. Like, no big deal. Not an important person. If you guys happen to find a name that says Daryl Wilson, that'd be cool. Squeak, squeak. If you could do that for me, yeah. It's not a big deal. It's not... Because if Daryl hasn't introduced himself with a handshake to everybody in heaven... Yeah, well, that's why they found the paper. They all knew him right away. They go, oh. They bring you a piece of paper and they hold it in front of you while you piss in their snout. And it reads, Daryl Wilson, 4582 North...

575 million south. And on the back, you can see all the things that he did in life. A combination of all of his greatest moments of both success and failure, his greatest loves and his greatest rivalries, and also the way he died. The only thing that kept me going through these two weeks is just how awesome this guy was. Like, clearly, this was truly an awesome man. I loved reading about my grandpa's life. What a great character.

What a great character he was. Well, let me take a look at that piece of paper, Link. Sure. Why did he die? Go ahead, tell them. Well, he died in one of the most common ways people die. A pit bull. What? Oh, my God. Let me finish. Let me finish. No, no, I guess. Mr. Worldwide. No, it's not a pit bull. I just kind of blame the pit bull. I kind of blame the pit bull. It wasn't a pit bull. If he was here, he'd be mad before saying that. No, he fell off a ladder. He was a pit bull.

He was taking down the Christmas lights and I like the neighbors and he was just happy. It was just, it was, you know, it was like, it was after he just felt it's one of the most common ways for people to die. He split his head open wide open. Like it was very bad. No, you know, he was just taking down the Christmas lights. Good thing though, is that my, well, not that my business partner or not. We're not partners. My partners. Okay. My business partner and grandma Carol, neither of them found him. It was like one of his friends called like Darnell or whatever, found him on the ground. But yeah, he just died. You know, it just happened. Just slipped. Hey man, that's why you gotta be careful. Look,

Guys, be careful when you're using ladders in the house. Sorry, question. Question from the floor. Where's this pit? I don't see a pit bull in this story. Oh, it was good. It was grandpa. He was up there high on the- It was Pitbull's house? No, no. Okay. I know your grandpa knew Mr. Worldwide. No, he doesn't. I don't know who that is. Is that a dog? What are you talking about? Yeah, he's my dog. I blast his shit all day. Look, it's very important. I care about all of you. If you're on a ladder doing something in the house, do not get distracted. Do not-

Play with a neighbor dog down at the bottom of the ladder, per se, or do anything. Or listen to Pitbull because you get too pumped up listening to Fireball and then something bad could happen. I get it now. Yeah. Okay. So if your grandpa was such good friends with Taylor's grandpa, then, like, why was he taking down the Christmas lights? Because isn't that, like, Christmas, like, you know...

a big thing? Well, he waited until like... Did they have like a feud or something? Well, no. I mean, he took the... I mean, he's respectful. He waits until like February to take down the Christmas lights. Okay, that's fair. Yeah. And he puts them back up in March. I was just looking for some more policy. I mean...

Because Taylor's grandma would get mad and be like, hey, what's up? Okay, well, we know where he is. That's great. Feels like you and your dad need to go find your grandpa. Yeah. I kind of don't know what the rest of us are doing here. We're running interference. If something happens, we need to move to cause distraction so that he can have... Yeah, we're a group. It's kind of so horrible being here by myself. I mean, you guys were cool. I look at the dolphins. Seriously, you got me through a lot. I can't get her.

Or I could spend the whole time giving you a tour of heaven. We have an entire room where you can use Q-tips in your ears with no consequences. Oh, so do I. That's called my bathroom. Oh.

I think we just go find Grandpa Daryl and we get some of that memory juice or whatever. And then we go to whoever's grandpa's next. We just got it. You're all here because we're a team. So it's like, let's just do this and then we'll get out of here. Well, lead the way, Ron. You seem to know your way around here. Yeah. And we're on the coordinates. Sure. Okay. So as we're going here, we're going to turn left.

And then if you look out, you'll see a lovely view of the sky. After all, this is heaven. We're at a cruising altitude of millions and millions of miles above wherever anybody who isn't here is. Make sure to tip your tour guide on the way out. Are you our tour guide, Ron? Tour guide, Ron.

And so in this next building, you'll see a bunch of people who look like the regular angels that you might, well, I mean, average angels that you might see at Christmas time with the wings and the halos. They're actually like kind of the meanest, you know, B words ever. I wouldn't, I wouldn't go hang out with them. Why not? What's wrong with them? Hey, Mary. Hey. Hey. Hey.

What's up, Ronnie? Both Marys say hey to you. Hey, Marys. I'm just passing through. I'm the Mary who tells the truth. I know. I'm the Mary who lies. Yeah, I know. But that means you just told the truth. Or did I? I'm the Mary that says or is it at the end of every sentence. Sowing confusion and doubt riddled me this idiot. Ronnie, are you looking forward?

where Mr. Darrell Wilson is. That's true. And then if you could let me pass without a judgment on my business practices, that would be appreciated. It's been a little bullying in the past. I'll have to admit it. But your business didn't do very well. I know, but I'm a strong, capable man, capable of doing any business I set my mind to. But you tried to make beer that tasted like feet. Yeah, and you know what? It gave me a ground to stand on.

Literally. And I would do it again. Mr. Stampler? With hands. Mr. Stampler? Yeah. Do you know where we're going? It's okay if you don't. I kind of just gave you this sheet because I assumed. I didn't mean to assume. Yeah, when you assume you make it, you make an ass out of you and some guy named Soon.

So I don't know where we're going. I'm sorry. Okay. All right. So with the coordinates on the piece of paper you got from the ocean of paper, you can pretty easily find where Daryl Wilson is. Well, not that easily. Yeah. You require a little bit of Ron's help. What are some of the myriad sites of heaven? Do we walk by like some like public courtyards or they're like. No. So what you find is that basically there is a seemingly infinite number of doors that all have different names on them.

And not in alphabetical order. That's got to be a name there. Any funny names? Funny names. Oh, yeah. Let me look up the funny names that I've got. You see a door that says Freddy Spaghetti. I want to crack open Freddy Spaghetti. Okay. I just want to get a sense of what's in there. First of all, Freddy Spaghetti was sent to us by Jake. Thank you, Jake. Second of all, you open the door and you find a man nude in a pool of noodles like from Patch Adams, just moaning in absolute ecstasy, writhing back and forth, covered in spaghetti sauce. Oh, sorry. And I close the door.

Guys, it's okay if I just check. I just want to know if that is heaven or like that's his heaven. So I'm just going to open up. You need to check two doors. You need to check two doors to verify. It's like that light bulb riddle where you got to turn them on, switch on, and you got to leave it off. Was that like custom heaven or is that just what heaven is? Everyone gets a spaghetti room. So I open up the next door. All right. This one belongs to Cherry Cheesecake. That was sent to us by Chelsea. Thank you, Chelsea. Thank you, Chelsea.

She's riding around in a big pool of noodles as well. Oh, no. I guess.

It must feel good if like if that is what heaven is, they wouldn't make it if people are like two is a trend. Three is a pattern. I open another door. Let's not do one right next to it. Let's do a little bit farther. Maybe this is like the wing. There we go. We walk like half a mile. You walk a little bit further and the smell of marinara slowly begins to dissipate. We should have known something was up when it sounded like a puka de bemos. You find a door that says Fufa Welder Flam, which was sent to us by Ben Holman. Thank you, Ben. All right, Norma, you open this one up first. I don't want to the last two kind of rock

my world a little bit. I open the door. You see a loving father playing in a field with his two daughters. They are playing catch.

And then he opens a door to go into his home and there is a big pool of noodles inside. Let's get out of here. Let's go find out. No, we'll see what Grandpa Daryl's up to. There's an objective wonder to being nude in a pile of noodles. I'm glad you're figuring that out now when you've still got some life to live. Don't do anything you'll regret.

Yeah, we all could have just been living in heaven down on earth at any moment, I guess. Heaven was within our grasp this whole time. All we had to do was go to an old spaghetti factory and make some demands. So you find Daryl Wilson's door. What's his door look like? Did he put a whiteboard on it? He's got a fat head on it of fucking Tom Brady, dude. I think it's up to Matt what would be on his door. Sure. I mean, I don't think he changed the front of the door. I think the door looks the same as all the other doors. That hinge, though? No squeaks. Sure, there's no squeaks on that door.

I'm going to barely crack the door open and go, Grandpa, just are you decent? We've seen a lot of stuff. So what do you think, Matt? Uh-huh. If we were coming in on Daryl during one of his happiest moments, what do you think we would see? Probably be... Pile of spaghetti. Pile of spaghetti. Yeah.

He's eating a big pile of spaghetti, but he's fully clothed. He's at a dinner table and he's with, I don't know how heaven works because I guess, you know, Carol's not dead. So Carol's not there and neither is Grant. But like, can he be with like them? Is that how that works? So I feel like the way that it works is that before they get there, you can be with simulacrums of them that you get from your memories. So it's not the real them. So they're like,

kind of like outlines of them or a little bit or like hologram type versions now he'd be waiting for them so then he's no he's not eating spaghetti he is in their home but it's perfectly cleaned and he's just working out and you see like there's like all over the kitchen there's just a lot of like cookbooks and stuff and he's just like humming to himself and he goes hey

bud get on in here and it's like oh grandpa what are you doing it's like oh you know just getting ready for when it's time for you know great oh hey grant yeah you know i mean i know i know you're not dead but like once you get here or carol gets here let's just say like the food in the wilson household is gonna be fucking top notch sorry i'm still cursed gonna be top notch and i'm gonna be fit check this out down 20 pounds i know it doesn't matter i'm not gonna show you but like when carol lifts the shirt up oh it's gonna be heaven let's just tell you that much um yeah i'm just getting ready for when you guys get here i just want heaven to be as good as possible

Yeah, there's not much when you get here, but I'm making this night. Sir, are you cooking spaghetti? Yeah, of course I'm cooking spaghetti. You don't just cook spaghetti, you perfect spaghetti. And that's what I'm doing right now, son. Grant, with tears in his eyes, pushes past everybody and embraces his father, Daryl. Oh, bud, hey, how's it going? He says, I'm so glad you're not in a swimming pool with spaghetti. Oh, yeah, no, that's like the first week or so. And like, it was, like, I admit, it was pretty nice, but...

I knew you were not a big spaghetti fan. So, you know, I started being like, well, what else? What other food could like you live in? And then I was like, why am I living in food? I know it's heaven, but like I can make house. So anyways, hey, I'm getting ready. But you're not you're not dead, right? No, no, no, I'm not dead. We're here to basically get into your memories and get some daddy magic off of you. And I was wondering if.

there are any memories that you had. I was actually kind of thinking maybe that time right before I was going to get married where you and I had that talk on sort of the eve of my wedding. Hey, how's Marky? Is he crushing it still? Yeah, he's crushing it. How are you two doing? Man, I mean, you guys were great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a really good dad. He's taking care of my,

business partner. Mm-hmm. Really well. And Link steps out. He goes, Hey, Grandpa. I'm actually, you know, no disrespect to you, but my name is Mr. Kix now. And he puts the hand out and then Daryl's like, Oh, he glances over at Grant. Like, what's going on here? Grant's like, he's going through a phase. I hope. I hope.

I know those phases. Hey. It's not a phase. It's who he is. Oh, yeah. Okay. Well, come on, Grant, buddy. You were through a couple phases yourself. Yeah, I'm trying to be patient. Okay. Well, hey, put it right there, business partner. I'm sure you and your business partner here, Mr. Grant, are going to come up with some great ideas. What sort of businesses? What are you doing? Did somebody say business? Hey, Coach Wilson. Hey, buddy. I didn't let you back in here. Ha!

What happened? I didn't think they would either, but we kind of snuck in. You know how sneaky this is my speciality, but I got to say, it was all these kids. Couldn't have got here without them. Don't ask how we got here. Okay. Well, I guess, I mean, I got all the time in the world. So yeah, we could go. What do you need from me? Do you need me to spit in a jar or something? Yeah, we need to basically access a really important daddy memory of yours, and then we can leech the daddy magic out of your brain.

So if Boss Kicks could hand me the jar that we've been collecting the Daddy Magic in. Yeah, Linga gives Grant the jar. Okay. Then we can proceed with the extraction. Grant puts the jar up to your face and we zoom into your memories and everybody else comes along for the ride. You feel as if you were within Daryl Wilson's memories and you see that you are on a beautiful beach on the coast of Florida.

You can see that there are a bunch of decorations. It looks like there's an altar. There's a little trellis, a bunch of chairs being set up. And Grant is nervously pacing back and forth inside a hotel room, overlooking all of that while his father sits on the bed next to him. And Grant says, like, I just don't I don't know if I can. I don't know. He wants a kid. And I know I can't I can't.

Hey, hey, hey, dad, I can't be like you were so good at it. Hey, but I can't match up to that. Hey, hey, hey. OK. Hey, before you worry about it, let's just let's just worry about your tie right there. You're pacing around. You're moving that thing. Come on. I come over and I start tightening his tie. I know what a tie a tie. Well, I mean, you know, evidence to the contrary. It's look, look. Hey, hey, look at me. You love him, right? Of course I do.

Okay, so then that's all you need for right now, right? Tomorrow will be another day that you decide to love him. And you guys will figure out what you want that day. And the next day will be the same thing. And maybe right now you're, you got a lot going on. Maybe you don't want a kid right now. And maybe tomorrow you don't. Maybe the next day you don't. But what if I'm just wasting his time? What if he should be with somebody who's sure that they can be a good dad? Do you trust him? Yeah.

Has he chosen you? I don't trust his judgment all the time because he chose me. So there must be something a little bit off with him, right? Look, I've been told, and you know, I don't know if I stand by this, but I've been told that every relationship has got the overachiever and the settler. And me and you, let's be honest, we're the overachievers. Our partners are the settlers. And it can be hard. It can be hard to accept that. But the worst thing you do is question their judgment about it because they're already settling for you.

They're already doing it. The only thing you can do is just share is give back that love and you have to be confident yourself. And that's the hardest thing of all the things you're going to have to do. The hardest thing you have to do is love yourself as much as Marco loves you, because that's what he wants. And that's what he deserves. And you know, he's amazing. And I know he's amazing. So just give that to him. You know, you're, you're right.

I think that I do need to love myself to be in a relationship. And I don't think I'm capable of that. So I think I'm just going to tell him that it's off. I'm going to, you know what? I'm going to tell him that it's off. Cause I can't, I don't know if I can do this. And in that moment, scam likely appears out of the ether and says, I've got a wedding present for you. Uh, Joe's like scam. What the? Nope. Nope. Nevermind. I don't want to know. I don't want to know. It's my son's wedding. Just, just, you can leave. I got you an all expenses paid cruise.

"On the Titanic!" And he hands you a couple of tickets and very suddenly you and Daryl and the entire wedding party find yourselves back in the 19- - What? - Early 1900s on the ship Titanic heading straight towards an iceberg. ♪ Our days whisked away ♪ ♪ But is there something more to say ♪ ♪ You know that no one knows us better than ourselves ♪

♪ You should tell myself it'll be lies ♪ ♪ Let me sleep at night ♪ ♪ I know that no one knows me better ♪ ♪ Sell this right ♪ ♪ It's just a matter of time till we make ♪ ♪ We gotta pick up and say ♪ ♪ Not today, no, not today ♪ ♪ Before tomorrow makes the can't change ♪ ♪ We gotta pick ourselves, not today ♪ ♪ Just sorrow, act tomorrow ♪

Bye.

by people like Thanks to everybody who came out to see us on our West Coast tour. We had a blast. The crowds were rowdy, horny, and according to the venues we were at, remarkably clean and well-behaved.

So good job. We'll be putting up content from those live shows on our Patreon, so if you missed out and want a piece of the action, you can get that at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. I'm sitting here editing those live shows as we speak. There you will find ad-free episodes, our after show, Teen Talk slash Talking Dad, where in our most recent episode, we regale you with stories from the road and the tour bus. Also, new on Patreon this past week, Matt and Beth sat down and piled out a new mini podcast called The Christerion Collection. Welcome to The Christerion Collection, a podcast where a recovering Catholic, that's Matt, and an ex-epiphany.

That's me. Take a dive into the ever-growing ocean of religious movies. We're also a couple of, you know, like leftists who work in the film industry. So we're kind of curious about the history of the audience and the goals of these movies. Love that. For the first episode, they watched the Christian movie classic, God's Not Dead.

In addition to that, final touches are going on for And Dad There Were None, The Daddith of Christy Who Dadded, which is going to be a mystery mini-series available to patrons at every level. Get all of that and more and support this podcast directly at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Our Twitter's Dungeons and Dads, our website's dungeonsanddaddies.com, our merch is store.dungeonsanddaddies.com, our subreddit is Dungeons and Daddies, and our next episode's coming at you September 25th. We will see you then. Not today, no, not today. Before tomorrow makes the air change. Not today, no, not today.

Oh, all right. Well, fuck it then. The guy in line is named Peter and the guy who's doing the scales is named Joey lunch money. Wait, wait, is it pay that? No, no. There's more than one Peter.