S2 Ep. 41 - We Need to Talk About Heaven
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Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Animehab. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons of new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kind of...

It's all kinds of stuff, dude. I was thinking solely anime. From Family Guy to American Dad, they've got it all. Solar Opposites, Hit Monkey, American Dad. Plus, watch some of the freshest animated series around, like The Great North, Grimsburg, Crapopolis, and so many more. If you're looking for a favorite animated show, there's only one destination you need to remember. Hulu Anime Hem. Your animation destination now streaming on Hulu. Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

The jobs of tomorrow are here, thousands of them, waiting to be filled. Entrepreneurial. But you have to know the fields they're in, and you have to have what it takes to master those fields. Because you can't get the jobs of tomorrow until you respect your classes today. Program. Start by going to Teen High Career Day in the cafeteria. Visit our informative booths on tomorrow's careers and what it takes to get them. So.

I always thought I would be an anime voice actor like my mom until Teen High Career Day showed me the way of the blade. With my new degree in Samurai Studies, I'm ready for every- - -athlete. Teen High Career Day gave me the confidence I need to succeed both on and off the field. Now my mayoral minion- - -

Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure Teen High Career Day is a trap or a scam, but they do have a mascot booth, so I'm gonna roll the phones. Surprise! It was a trap and a scam! Get down on the ground! Teen High Career Day. It's not a trap. It's not a scam. Start your new career today.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies on the BDSM podcast. This is a D&D podcast about four teens from our world sent into another world to fix the mess that their grandparents made all those years ago. Seems like a raw deal. That was good. I already found it. I found the heat, baby. Sum 41.

one. He found it. Got the fastball locked in. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the Ranger. Maybe not the Ranger, although now I'm wondering if that was just a fucking ruse this whole time. No, you can. You can still change your class if you want. Okay. The Ranger team, but maybe not for long, but he still loves anime and he still loves surviving on his own wits.

his own way his own way with a pocket knife this week's teen fact for taylor as you saw in the last episode taylor made a beeline for that samurai booth on career day this in retrospect that doesn't feel like a modern career it's felt like a pretty obvious trap now that i'm like looking back at it did you really not think it was a trap when you went i was so excited i was so excited

We would have fallen for Ice Cream Taster, clearly. Now I think about we're really dumb. Rollercoaster designer. Taylor's teen fact, the reason why he loves the samurai so much is because this is something that he... Because it's Japanese? Is that why? All we boys, they consider this, which is, am I more ninja or am I more samurai? Oh, it's true. Which is he? He was so stealthy last episode. I know. So clearly ninja, but he has started to come around on the idea of wearing more than one sword. Mm.

Which is what the samurais do. But ninjas get more than one thingy, don't they? Yeah, they have a little dagger and a little sword. They got a kukiri. No, but the samurai's got like two swords, dog. And also a code of honor that Taylor clearly does not have. Yeah. Nah, that'd be Ronin, dog. You know, without a master. Samurai don't have to tuck their balls up like ninja do. That's a thing, right? Yeah. Well, that's in the ninja movies. Ninja's gotta like suck it back into their cavity. Yeah, ninjas and drag queens. They don't suck them back and they tuck them in. They can't go crazy. Wait,

Wait, you can't? What have I been doing this whole time? Oh, who's next? That was me. Anthony's laughing, but I think it's Beth and Anthony. Beth and Anthony are doing something. Not on the podcast. You put your laughs on the podcast. My laugh was dead silent. You would have never known if you hadn't pointed it out.

She sent me a very funny text. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Well, three of us will send texts to each other. For my dad's fact, I'll tell you what the text was. It's the same text I sent Freddie a few days ago. Oh, okay. Well, that's cool. Well, fuck me and Matt then, I guess. We'll get to know. I'm creating a tier system of my friends. Beth, what do I have to do to be tier three, not tier four? That's all I want to know. I can't be at the bottom.

Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln M. Kix, the school in prison soccer kid who's a protective paladin of the group, only cares about this group. Nobody else. This is a new family now. A little known fact about Lincoln back in the good old days before he knew he was living in a prison is I think I said before that social media network of choice was next door, but I never explained how he used it, which is

he would always just give the neighbors a warning that he was going to be practicing soccer because it might get a little rowdy because I've been scoring a lot today. So that's why every morning he'd just be like, hey guys, on next door, if you hear some noises in my house, it's just because I'm scoring a lot of goals. Wait, he's only running. Noises in my house? He's not even going to the backyard. No, outdoor. I can hear a lot of noises over the fence. That's just, don't worry, nothing crazy going on, just me scoring some goals. I've been doing good. Did you say he's posting that on next door? Yeah, next door. Yeah, that's his favorite social media network. Oh, okay. Yeah. Because the way that he kicks balls is he goes...

If you're on Nextdoor, you know that a lot of people just do things like, hey, did anybody hear that noise across the street? That's true. Nextdoor is just for narcs. The problem is when he shoots goals, he goes, HELP! HELP! Perfect murder.

Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normal oak kicks. I think I changed my name to last episode. Thank you. It's all dirty. Normal oak. He's a perky peppy chipper cherry school spirit mascot kid. I think we said normal oak kicks. Normal oak kicks. Normal oak kicks. I don't know.

I'd like to do, if I may, one more cat fact for Normal in honor of Freddie's adorable cat. Yeah, please go ahead. That was so much mustard on that. You're so excited for this. I was, yeah. When Normal O'Kicks was a wee lad, the family had a cat and the cat got pregnant and Normal was like, that cat has eight nipples. Ergo, there will be eight kittens because it's one nipple for each kitten. And everyone was like, that's not how it works, Normal. Don't think there's going to be eight cats. But Mom, you have two kids. And then there were eight kittens.

And normal to this day still thinks that's how it works. And Mrs. Oak had two kids. She had two kids? Two nipples. Two nipples checks out. So I only have two kids. It's just how it works. You saw an episode of Octomom and it was like, oh no. They had to censor the rest of her boobs out. I just Googled how many nipples do cats have and now I'm on some list. Hi.

My name is Beth May and I play scary Marlo. I got a funk seeker of darkness. He just hit a soccer ball. A goth funk seeker of darkness who doesn't want to care anymore. Fun career day fact about scary is that when scary grows up, she wants to open a French bread shop. Oh,

Because it's all about the pain. Yes! Hell yeah, Beth! Yeah. I think your honorary dad sticker's coming in the mail. That's fucking good. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hi, dad! So the tweet that Beth sent me was this one.

It was a tweet. Yeah, I'm not that funny. I rely on tweets. So this is a tweet by somebody named Kiefer, parentheses suspended. The tweet is, me, you call that a blowjob? I didn't even come. The samurai who sucked me off. Are you sure? Me, what? Suddenly starts blasting everywhere. So fucking good. So when we last left you, you had heard that- Yo, Jizbo, that's it. Yo, Jizbo!

You found that the person that had sent you the message from heaven had actually sent it from the San Dimas High School, from Teen High, somewhere in the cafeteria. You snuck into Teen High after a dude murdered two of the guards. You managed to convince a couple of them to chase you, led them into a multiverse of madness and left them there to die of old age. Meanwhile, they're fine. We're going to go get them after this. It's fine. It's on the list. If you ask people how they want to die, every single person on the planet says dies of old age. So they're pretty good. Hey,

I didn't hear that first and last second part. As Freddie mentioned, they were surrounded by people who hated them. That was funny. Meanwhile, thanks to Scary, Dude is now in a Teenie the Teen costume that they managed to get from a surprisingly helpful bully. Taylor launched a revolution in the school.

Yes, yes. So that everybody is wearing masks of both Link and normal. The last episode was really the Empire Strikes Back of our podcast. Yeah, for sure. It was just good stuff. Really a last job. I was really divisive. Then you went into the cafeteria. You saw that it was career day. You saw many booths for career day and you managed to find the exact three booby traps I laid for you.

Not at all subtly. Those were the only booby traps. Oh, God. And you sprang all three of them. Every single other one was just... Every single other one was real. Every single other one was just going to be normal, like, hey, you can change your class here. I feel so dumb. I just thought wherever we went, something would happen. No. We really just fell for traps. Truly, athlete, school mascot, and samurai were the only three that were very obviously, like, for you. How could that go to those three, though? Dude, it's just like the Stanley Parable, bro. It's a perfect trap. He fucking played us like a...

Yeah, no plants. The other ones, remember, were accountant, soldier, chef, entrepreneur, newer, contractor, and programmer. I wish we had gone to soldier. He didn't say, like, U.S. Army recruit, but he just said soldier. Blackwater's here. Yeah, straight up fucking private military. Would you, hey, kid, would you like to join the French Foreign Legion? He's got anyone can join and conclude any national

You just got to pass the test. When you went to talk to the samurai CIA agent, Schmegan ripped off a mask and revealed it was him. And a bunch of CIA guys dropped into the room. When you went to talk to the athlete, it turned out to be the mayor. And the mayor dropped a bunch of people in the room. And when you went to talk to the sports mascot, it turned out to be Scam Likely. A bunch of scam soldiers. A bunch of scam soldiers, which I now realize. What are scam soldiers? I had 24 hours to decide that. And it's the cast of Family Guy. No! The cast of Family Guy is rushing in with ill intent.

Oh, so these are three different parties. We're not getting kidnapped by the same people. No, you now have managed to set off basically a triad of pain from three directions. Fuck. Three French bakeries? Yeah. I think the first thing might be rolling initiative. There's so much combat. We didn't have any combat last episode. No, but we did. We did a lot of sneaking. Hey, have we leveled up at all? No. But we got the doodler. Yeah, we leveled up. Oh, you didn't get the doodler. That's fair. Oh, yeah. I feel like you should level up for that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think you should. Oh, yeah.

So we're all level 11 now, right? Level 11. Yes, all of you are now. I'm going to add some other stuff to my character while I'm here. I think I speak Minotaur now. Three plus one. Because I can't.

I never chose my link. My initiative roll is three plus one, four. Now I'm changing my background from sage to noble. Actually, no, I'm haunted. I'm a haunted one now. Oh, God. Here we go. I got a 17, Anthony. Okay. Oh, there's some suggested characteristics for my character. And then what do I do? I live for the thrill of the hunt. Yeah, a 20. That's the personality Link has. He lives.

I fucking love one. Make sure to look that into your fucking new Lincoln M kicks fucking intro. Man, I'm level 11 again. I'm making some different choices this time. Oh, yeah. Because that's

because now you are you already live level 11 i've already lived this so now you know what you got the fucking benefit of experience yeah i'm getting rid of mass suggestion and i'm adding something else really that suggestion was super useful but i found one that i think might be useful too wow okay might be useful this is like your eat pray love starting over yeah you're 13 going on 30 i got 12 initiatives 13 going on level 30 looks around he's like you know what's the problem with this

They came to me, but I live for the thrill of the hunt. No, the thrill of the hunter. There's something new about you. There's something new about you, Link. Right now, you have three different groups of people. You have 10 doodlerized people. You have 10 CIA agents with machine guns, and you have 10 cast members of Family Guy coming at you. Which 10? There's Joe...

Cleveland. I quagmire. Anthony. Peter. Meg. Okay. Please be anything else. Ryan.

Stewie. Wait, Stewie was there? Yeah, Stewie's there. Okay. He's the boss. He's the boss. He's the leader. You ever get the most famous one? Lois. Peter. He said Peter. I said Peter. Peter. No, not like that. Oh, that was good, Beth. The chicken. The chicken. That's nine. That's nine. I need one more. How about American Dad? Yeah, American Dad. An American Dad. An American Dad. Yeah, Tefquen is American Dad. A little crossover event. Okay, perfect. Peter, help me kill these teas.

Shit. That's really good. Scary, it is your turn first. Okay. Scary just bashes off. And you were surrounded by those other kiosks for the other careers as well, in case that matters to you. But we're surrounded by bad guys, right? Yeah, there are bad guys rushing you from three angles. Kind of on all sides? Yeah. Okay, I cast Circle of Death. What?

Whoa. A sphere of negative energy ripples out in a 60-foot radius sphere from a point within range. Each creature in that area must take a constitution saving throw. A target takes 8d6 necrotic damage on a failed save. 8d6? You can't make a circle around us that goes outward. This is like a circle. Yeah, so you're not going to hit everybody. You're going to hit a fair number of people. You can probably nuke like one group of them.

Yeah, I'll find a quick little circle of them. Aren't the three of us all a little bit away from each other? Yeah, we all split up to go to the different booths. Yeah, but I'm carefully casting this, obviously. Do you want to do it where you cast a really big circle that's kind of nonspecific so you'll get like, you know, a couple from each group? Or do you want to cast a circle around one specifically? The mayor people are on us, right? Yeah, I'm going to try to get all the mayor people because those are genuinely creepy. Okay, so they're having to do saving throws, was it? Yes, a constitution saving throw. Okay.

So this is the mayor. She gets a natural one. Nice. Her 10 dudes. All right. So half of them take how much? 31. 31 damage. Okay. Just barely enough. Half of the Deuterized people are incinerated by this dark energy. Mamma mia. From the circle of death. And dude is like, it's bad when I do it, but when she, that's cool. That's what we're doing. It is.

cool, but it's, um, I'm kind of a bad girl. I want to be a bad girl. No, no, no. It's self-defense. I'm gonna be a bad girl. That's my main motivation now. Dude. Oh, no, we've lost you. Well, there are different types of bad girls. Some bad girls are actually good girls.

Yeah. Right? Yeah, like Taylor Swift. Yeah. Or is she the other way around? She's the other one. She's the other one. She's a good girl who's actually a bad girl. Wait, but deep down. Depends on the album. Deep down, she's a bad girl. Depends on the album. Yeah, we all got different ways of being in the world, and you got to find your own way. You got to do it your style, dude. Wait until my turn comes up. I'll do it my own way. Okay. Oh, boy. Just defend yourself from bad people. Or maybe just, you know, when do you go? Last. Okay.

That was scary's turn. Very well done. It is now normal. So the mayor is not dead, but she takes a great deal of damage from it as the harm goes to the skin is burned off of her face, revealing just the skull underneath. When you looked at her first, it was like it must be something about her skin that makes her skull and her cheekbones feel bigger than they are. But when her skin melts and sloughs off her face, you can see like, no, the bones are just wrong. The bones are just misshapen. Wrong bones. And we've decided that she's not like human, right? No, she is.

I mean, is she? She is. I can't remember what you decided. I mean, I'm asking you. I'm pretty sure you never found out definitively. Okay. But she's like melting right now. The skin of her face just melted off and she seems to still be alive and functioning. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to take it as like, I'm just trying to give myself some moral rationality. Go for it. All right. It is normal's turn. You know what? I'm worried about this harmful influence Scary is having over Dude. So I'm going to try to help out the battle and, you know, maybe inspire Dude with a new positive role model.

So I'm going to cast one of my new spells, Planar Ally. You beseech an otherworldly entity for aid. The being must be known to you a god, primordial, demon prince, or some other being of cosmic power. Or just a bro. Or just a bro. That entity sends to you a celestial, an elemental, or a fiend. Dude, don't you understand? You don't have to be a bad girl. You can be a powerful cosmic entity that brings joy to people, that helps people in their time of need. Like... Santa Claus.

We did it again! I was like, Santa Claus! I call on Santa Claus for aid. Okay. And then he can maybe send me a fun elf to help in the battle. I can send you a gift. Okay, so do you have to roll for my lapoon? Sorry, are you rolling for Santa? Okay, this is a little... All right. When the creature appears, it is in no way under compulsion to behave in any particular way. I can ask it to perform a service in exchange for a

payment, but it isn't obliged to do so. That doesn't sound like Santa's MO at all. But this is a cafeteria, so there's gotta be milk and cookies here. Yeah, perfect! So I ask Santa for aid in exchange for all the milk and cookies in the cafeteria. Okay, so Santa appears before you in the form of a little green gremlin with a red hat, a hunched back, and templed fingers. He goes, What's up?

Oh, you're Santa? Yes, once Glenn Close brought Christianity and Christmas to hell, the job of Santa Claus was taken up by a lesser demon, me. Oh, are you like, okay, well, in the spirit of Santa Claus, I call on you to help the children of the earth, i.e. us, in this battle against those guys. What will you give me? Oh, how about these milk and cookies? How about your soul? Oh. How about your soul and milk? I.

I feel like I'm going to... That's awful. My soul isn't really for sale because I'm married to a bunch of other people and that would mean I'd have to... Ooh, a 10 for one deal. I can't give you all our souls in exchange for this fight. You can't barter our souls, please. Is there anything else you'd like? I've got some gum in my pocket.

What kind of gum? It's spearmint. No! Fuck off, and he leaves. Oh, shit. Well, that's my turn. No, no, roll persuasion. Roll persuasion on him. Hey, Santa, what happened to all your reindeer? No, you don't want to know. You killed them. What would you do? What would you do if you got a soul? If I got a soul, I would eat it. That's like when there's no commercials. Oh, you don't get $100.

100 grand. How would he help normal? How would I help normal? I'll grab little Stewie Griffin and I'll crack his head open like a ripe egg and pour his brains into my mouth. Oh, you get a Stewie Griffin soul. With just Stewie or would you get rid of all 10 of them? Well, that's for family guy. They don't have souls. I wouldn't get rid of all 10 of them, but I would definitely kill a couple of them. I got a 16. Best I can do is two pieces of warm spearmint gum. And Stewie Griffin, whatever's inside that. You know what?

You got a deal for 16 just for you, kid. But we'll be meeting again. Oh, just you wait. If not in this season, then in fan canon afterwards. He goes, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle. And he jumps over and tries to lunge at Stewie.

And he fails. But instead, he ends up grabbing Peter and Peter goes, oh, no. And he grabs him and cracks Peter open down the center, like perfectly bisects him vertically and then just crawls inside of Peter and starts wearing him like a little man suit. And you hear a slurping sound and Peter gets skinnier and skinnier as he eats his organs from the inside out. I'm going to use a free action to cover dude's eyes so he doesn't see this. And I say Santa Claus is not real. He's a bad girl, too. So Peter is dead.

Every turn you have normal, he will continue to do stuff. Do I have to keep giving him stuff in order for him to do stuff? Now that you've said so, yes. Yeah. Now it's the mayor's turn along with the doodlerized people. So the remaining five doodlerized people, the mayor goes, that won't do, that won't do at all. That won't do at all. Oh, oh. And she leans over and picks up her face, her melted face, and sort of tries to plaster back onto her face, but it's so hot from the heat of the dark energy that it just kind of like melts back in. Oh, been there, girlfriend. When the foundation just won't stay on. Yeah.

It's like when you like have a slice of pizza. Yes, exactly. He's trying to put the cheese back on a slice of pizza. That's literally what I was about to say. And she goes, grab them. The first two are going to try to grab scary. The last three are going to try to grab Link. For a reaction, I'm going to give scary protection. So,

So they will have disadvantage on attack for any target other than me within five feet. OK, so that's three. So they miss scary. That's a three. Again, they miss scary. So now they're going to try to grab you. These three fellas. So the first one got a 12. He misses you. Second one got a 16. He grabs onto you. And the third one got a two. So.

All of them dogpile onto you, and only one of them manages to get his arms around your shoulders and sort of pin them to your sides. Is that grappled, or do they have to roll something for a grapple, or can I attack? You're going to have to roll something to break free of what they do before. But at the beginning of your turn, rather than at the end, I want to get a full grapple because that feels unfair. Okay. Now it is your turn, Link. I could attack if I get out of this. Yes. Okay, what did I roll to get out of it? Roll dexterity. 18. You easily flex your fucking shoulders, and this guy bounces off like he was just barely hanging on. Even though Link's tall, he's very skinny. He's a noodle, so he just kind of like...

slips like through kind of like yeah drops the ground and then he's gonna fucking do a scissor kick into the mayor's head okay and I'm going to use divine smite improved improved divine smite since I've improved it same very stronger so here we go oh I got one third level spell slot so it's gonna be two extra so that's 4d8 5d8 and then improved smite whenever you hit with a melee attack the target takes an extra 1d8 of radiant damage

So that's going to be a 1d8 and then 5d8 of radiant damage. Jesus. Okay. 22. Yeah, that definitely hits. Go ahead and roll your 68 now.

Three non-radiant and then radiant damage. I'm going to do 22. So 25 overall to the mayor. I'm not supposed to tell you this, but she's definitely bloodied. Cool. You can tell that she is more than halfway to death as you manage to pop one of her eyeballs in her skull. And Link gets to do an extra attack. You can attack twice instead of once when you attack. Okay. So I'm just going to land and go. No, no. Spreading.

There's only one thing that boss kicks needs

You're kicking someone. 31. You rolled a 31? Yeah, can't run away from me, little rabbit. What? What? Your two hit was a 31? Holy shit. Yeah, my second one was a 31. Okay, so yeah, roll damage again. Oh, sorry. That was my damage. Shit, let me roll DC. Okay. Oh, shit, my hit DC was only a nine. Oh, okay. I do 31 damage to the table next to you. Yeah, you obliterate that fucking table. Next time, that'll be you. You hunted that table to death. The contractor's like,

Oh, God. Save me. Okay. Now it is Hermes' turn. He is going to maintain his cover as a normal teenage boy that nobody is looking for, and he's going to search about the room for maybe who you're looking for. So I'm going to roll a d6 and...

depending on what number he gets, he's going to go to that. I thought we were looking for heaven. We're looking for Ron, dude. Yeah, you're looking for home for we're all looking for. I thought Ron was in heaven. He did the text in heaven, but he sent it down here. OK, one, two, three, five. OK, OK. So very first turn, he goes, guys, I found something. Thanks.

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What did he find? He's currently near the entrepreneur desk. Checks out. Yeah. It was spelled like O-N-T-R-A-P-R-A space newer. N-E-W-E-R. It took him six seconds to find the person and then say that thing. Now it's Agent Schmegen and CIA's turn. Agent Schmegen and the CIA are going to pull out their guns and put them on Taylor. And they say, down on the ground, down on the ground, Taylor. Use the death of his son against him. What were they pointing at?

You mean that garbage can over there? It takes a minute to become a garbage can. No, it doesn't, Matthew. You went up to them and said, hey, what's this samurai stuff about? You're going to have to roll absurdly well to just turn back into a garbage can right in front of them. I was in what appeared to be a garbage can outfit. My head was sticking out and my arms were sticking out and my legs were sticking out and it allowed me to

You didn't roll away. The cover's pretty well blown if you went up to them in a garbage can. Let me ask you this question. If not this, what would be a situation in which he would be able to see you? Let me ask another one. Hold on. Hold on.

A situation where three traps got sprung at the exact same time and the chaos caused a kerfluffle of confusion. But they're looking straight at you. Yeah, you're the trap. You just bring a trap on them. Okay, but here's the thing, Anthony. It's not like when five guys come out and start kicking my ass, I go, gotcha. Okay, Anthony, hear me out, though. Hear me out.

They see a garbage can. What they thought was Taylor, but Taylor has rolled out of it. I want to execute a stealth check because... Roll stealth with disadvantage. Okay, no, no, here's the thing, though. Check this shit out. And you don't get your plus 10 anymore. Check this shit out, my man. I get a free use of etherealness. Okay. Etherealness, which is a failed Rob Dyrdek show.

All those deer deck heads out there. Man. RIP. You step into the border regions of the ethereal plane. The borderlands, if you will. The borderlands, too. You remain in the second borderlands for the duration or until I use my action to dismiss the spell. In this time, I can move around. So my thought is this.

They see me. The trap is sprung. And I go, and I jump up and I suck my legs and my arms in and my head in. So the garbage can goes and just stops there. Meanwhile, while inside the garbage can, I have cast etherealness, which allows me to move between planes. So they think I'm still in the garbage can. But instead, Anthony, I'm naked in another garbage can.

All right. You still have to roll stealth for that. We got him. We chased him into that hall of garbage cans. I'm getting rid of your disadvantage. They think he just disappeared in the garbage can he's in, but he disappeared. 11 plus 5, 16. God damn it. Taylor's like, death is nothing. I have only slipped into the next garbage can. Can I roll perspective? Can I roll perception? Roll perspective to realize how stupid what we're doing is. Roll perception.

Since we know how Taylor works and, you know, we're really, you know, ever since I do, you know, I feel it works. Ever since me and him have been foot buddies. Yeah, we kind of have our toes. I just want real perception to see if I can like see what trash can he warped into. Yeah, sure. Go for it. Like, you know, there's a rattle a little bit.

Ooh, that's a 19 perception. Wow. So you definitely see that he went into another trash can. Here's how you know. Here's how you know. Smart kid. If I hear hair one more time, I'm going to die. You see, you could hide from them, but you can't hide from the hunter. Well, guys, it's been fun, but I think this is the end of the journey for me.

What a fucking shame. You know what you see, Matt? You look over at the row of garbage cans, because there's always a row of garbage cans in these, and then there's one of them. You hear this. You hear, yeah, and a retainer pops out. I just nod at it. And you sense it. You know what's really, like, the way, like, kids this age will just be like, this is my whole new personality now, and, like, the drop of a dime, like, that actually kind of makes sense. Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, so Schmagan and those guys are going to see the garbage can move and they're going to blast the first garbage can that doesn't have you in it to shreds. Oh, shit. So they weren't going to kill you. Yeah, they fucking lay waste to it and they waste their entire turn blasting that garbage can apart and then seeing that you're not in there. They're like, what? Wait, they see bread oozing out, but then it's just ketchup. It's just ketchup. I look at Taylor and I say, don't worry. He's not in there. Just in case you guys are worried because neither of you reacted to the trash can being shot. Taylor, no! Yeah, out of my face.

of my three, three, quote unquote, friends. It's not my turn yet. I'm not going to react till my turn. I'm holding my acting turn till my turn. It's the cast of Family Guy's turn. I need to remember what Link sounds like because now I just, I'm imagining him as this hunter. That's his new voice. I don't remember. That's his new voice, man. I don't know who Link is anymore.

I've fallen too far into this. So Cleveland is going to attack Scary Marlo and go, don't now, don't you worry about a thing. This won't hurt a bit. And he's going to grab you and try to snap your neck. He rolled an eight. What's your AC? Twelve. So don't even worry about that. Yeah. So you managed to dexterously avoid his animated hands as they attempt to wrap themselves around your skull. As a woman, I'm used to dexterously avoiding animated hands. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. All right. Now a couple of them are going to see another eight others. What do I do with these eight others? One of the straight bullets from the CIA guys is going to bounce off and hit Joe. I thought you were going to say JFK. It's going to hit Joe in the head. He's going to go. He's played by Patrick Warburton. And he's going to go. And so now the family guy cast is at war with the CIA. So.

As they have always been from the beginning. American dad must be so conflicted. Yeah. Yeah. American dad works for the government.

Anthony, American dad works for the government. Give me a second. Anthony, Anthony, Anthony, Anthony, Anthony, American dad. He works for the CIA. Yeah. So what is the American dad going to do? Yeah. Okay. Well, the first thing you need to know is that everybody misses their attacks except for Lois. It goes, no, Peter, and jumps and leaps onto one of the CIA agents and starts clawing his fucking face off. Say no, Peter, before doing that.

She's in love. Then quagmire goes, Oh no. And then jumps onto another CIA agent and starts bashing him to death with his chin. And then the rooster just wordlessly runs up, starts to have a really long, the chicken retracted the chicken. Yeah. Thank you. I started to have a protracted fight scene with one of the CIA guys. God damn. That's funny. And then we should focus the rest of the episode on that. Yeah. I should just spend the next 20 minutes describing it. Um,

The dad from American Dad goes, which one do I shoot? Pointing his gun at the CIA guys. And then it's Stewie. And then it's Stewie. It's kind of insane that Anthony has like every Seth MacFarlane voice. Honestly, you knowing all these voices is more embarrassing than anything you've ever revealed. Anything you've ever revealed on this podcast.

Fucking insane. So he's going to hold his turn in complete nervousness about not knowing what to do with his loyalty so divided. Taylor, it is now your turn. Okay, so I'm in the trash can. Wait, how's it Taylor? Did Taylor just have his...

That was a reaction. Apparently you got one shitty thing to do and that's it. And we're moving on without your reaction to them. Fucking. Oh, I see. Okay. Okay. So he teleported for his reaction. Yeah. If you're, this is a bonus action, according to the things. Okay. Then do a regular action. I'll just do a regular action to sort of balance it out.

Give me the lay of the land here. Who's in the most trouble? I would say that currently Lincoln Scarier. The mayor. Yeah, the mayor's not in a great spot. Lincoln Scarier about to get grabbed by a bunch of doodlerized people. Oh, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go and I'm going to tip the trash can over and I'm going to roll barrel roll style into these bowling pins. You're saying there's 10 of them. Coincidentally, there are also 10 pins on the bowling. There's only five of them because scary. Well, then I guess I'll try it.

All right. Go ahead. Roll acrobatics or athletics. Roll.

14 plus 1, 15. Okay, so you managed to knock them prone, and they're each going to take 2d10 of damage. And a wild bowling animation shows... So I got all five of them. Yeah, you managed to get all five of them in that roll. They get knocked prone. Straight up. Since this is a spare and a spare is a slash, the bowling animation is just a video of Slash being like, hey, good job on that. Hey, it's me, Slash from Guns N' Roses. Pretty good.

Okay, so they're knocked down. You get a spare. If I was a billionaire, I would have a bowling alley and every time he did a spare, it would be a clip from a two-day-long shoot session with Slash. If you were a billionaire, it would just be Slash. He would be there on the stage waiting for somebody to get a spare in real life and come out and go, hey, man, great spare. Yeah.

It's pretty good. Now it is dude's turn. So dude is going to turn and he's going to grab one of the doodler eyes people and go bad girl time. And he's going to roll. So he gets an eight, which means he's going to stick his thumbs into their eyeballs and he's going to try to crack them open like an egg, but it's not quite going to happen. He's going to go stupid. Thumbs are all stuck.

And he's gonna roll again because he has advantage because he's a god and he somehow still manages to not crack the doodler eyes thing open like an egg I guess it's got something to do with the fact that it's partially a thing that he created almost his child in a way Good save, good save DM Yeah So he's got one grappled essentially and blinded on his turn Should we do anything about our parents? Yeah, if you want to go back and do really quickly each of your parents So Scary doesn't have one Normal No, Scary's got Lark Scary's got Lark Do you want Lark to do anything? No

All right. Normally, you want to do anything. They should all just fight the family guy people and just kill them so we don't have to hear anymore. The three dads all fight the family. That sounds fine. OK, with you. Well, you got two dads. Can they just fight the family guy people? Nick is going to be the one in the chicken fight and we'll cut back to that. OK, that's great. You know, can't wait to see where that one goes.

Probably outside somewhere. Yeah, probably goes outside somewhere. They might land on a train. Down a mountain. Okay, so yeah, the dads fight. Brian sees them coming and goes, I can't do a Brian voice. That's the one I can't do. Brian? Isn't Brian just a deep, normal voice? Oh, no, sorry. Brian's the dog, right? I was thinking of the Seth Green character. I can't remember his son. Chris. Yeah, I can't do Chris's voice. Yeah, Brian is like, oh, dear. I'm Seth MacFarlane. I think I'm really cool. Good thing I didn't get on that plane that one time. Oh!

Yeah, that's what he says. And then your dad's... That's the one! You said one per episode. That's the one!

Your dads all attack the family guy characters. And frankly, I think that's the kind of joke that he would appreciate. So now we're back up to the top of initiative and it's Gary's turn. With the other tables that are set out for a career day, what's the table that's nearest to me? The table that's nearest to you is the one that you went up to, which was sports athlete. Sports. Go to the soldier table. That's the one that was a trap. Dude, the soldier table probably got weapons, dog. I'm going to go to the sports table and I'm like,

Like, oh, it's cool that they let high schoolers do archery. And I'm going to get a bow and arrow off of the table. All right. Considering that the athlete table was a trap, go ahead and roll investigation to see if you can find a bow and arrow.

Eleven. Okay, so with eleven, you find a bow, but no arrow. Just like that Alanis Morissette song. It's okay. Fucking Katniss can just use just a bow. You just whack them like a staff. I try to strangle the two people nearest to me with the string of the bow. Oh, that's fun. Give me an attack roll. Okay. Can I just say that in movies, always at some point, the character takes the bow in both hands and swings like a baseball bat to hit someone. I always am like, nah, don't buy it. Little piece of flimsy wood ain't gonna work. Hate it.

Legolas did it. Fucking hated it. Katniss did it. Fucking hated it. At our live show, if he's going to wear high heels, I'm going to hit him with a bow. And we can just start testing all the things he said. I got 13. Okay, so with 13, yes, they are now grappled by you and are not in a position to do much of anything and you were strangling them and it looks pretty cool. Nice. Now it is normal's turn.

What's Santa Claus up to? Santa Claus just bursts through Peter like he's sloughing off a skin suit, because he is, and now he's looking around for somebody else to kill. But he holds out his hand and rubs his first two fingers together as if to say, payment. Oh, yeah, here's your gum. And I throw him the gum. He goes, nice, nice, thank you. That's all I got. You can go. No more? I feel bad about bringing you here. I was trying to set a positive example for my friend, and honestly, you're kind of scaring me. So I think maybe, do you want to leave? No.

I thought we had a moment. Did we? I thought we were having a real connection here about murdering people. Oh, well, no, I think you should go. Fine, fuck off. And he disappears. No.

Bro, you're not gonna get any gifts this year, dude. Yeah, no, I saw normal kissing Santa Claus. I turned to, and I'm like, you see, dude, some people you don't wanna, and I guess Tudor's gone because he's over with Scary doing whatever Scary's doing and trying to murder someone. Oh, hell! Oh, you know what? I'm gonna cast about to what Hermie saw. I heard Hermie, right? You don't even have to roll for that because you're just looking at that direction. So I'm gonna go head over to Hermie to see what Hermie found. Okay. Am I being attacked or anything like that right now? I think right now everybody's busy fighting each other, uh,

Because you specifically were going to get attacked by the scam people, and the scam people are now fighting the CIA. So I think you're okay walking over there. So you managed to dodge the fights that are happening. The chicken and Nick fight and fly over you like an anime fight, and you managed to get to where Hermie is.

Hermie points towards the table that says entrepreneur on it, all misspelled and weird. And there you see a small balding man with a mustache, gray hair, who turns to look at you. He actually turns to look at camera and says, yep, that's me, Ron Stampler. I bet you're wondering how I got in this crazy situation. And then like in that Simpsons joke, we pull out and reveal that the camera was normal and the normal is like, yeah, I am. You're Ron Stampler? Oh, what a cool cinematographer.

Oh my gosh. There you go. Oh my gosh, you're Ron. You're the guy who sent us the text message? It's me. Ron Stampler. If you want to hear all about my adventure, you can go back to season one. Anyways, I bet you're also wondering why I stood here this entire time and didn't help you out with this combat. I'll explain later. There's no time now. Okay.

Yeah, well, it's nice to meet you, Mr. Stampler. There's a lot of violence going on. I would love to get out of here. You're from heaven, right? Did you come from heaven? Are you alive? Are you dead? Can you take us maybe to heaven so we can get out of this fight? It seems like we're a little overwhelmed here. I'm a little overwhelmed personally. I don't know. Like, who called this meeting? Ha ha ha ha!

Go to the spin email. Ron is distracted during this monologue from... Ron doesn't care. Get his ass. Damn. Get him. Damn. Ron's on his phone. Ron's on his phone. No, Ron just looks at dude behind everybody and kind of narrows his eyes and then whistles. Not like in a song sort of way, like in a kind of like... Like a sexy... In a really sexy way. Whistle way? And...

From seemingly out of nowhere, but really it's like the double doors into the cafeteria. There's a giant Falkor-like dog that flies in majestically. And then Ron's like, hey, Rogue, could you help us out? And the dog kills all the bad guys. Let me roll for the dog real quick.

Wait, what item is that? Oh, that's just, you know. Oh my God, I literally rolled a natural 20 for the doll. I'm not joking. Holy shit. So yeah, Rogue, with the exception of baby Stewie who escapes because he needs to be in the timeline in the past. Wait, Stewie's the baby? Yeah. Wait, what? No, fuck off. Yeah, wait, what? What do you think Stewie was?

I mean, I knew Stewie was a baby. I didn't realize it was a baby from like episode two. I think they explicitly said it was the season one baby. I don't listen to Anthony. I only listen to Beth. Because he believes women. What a horrible mistake. I thought for a second Matt was like, Stewie's the baby and family guy? I thought he was a 40-year-old small man. No, like episode two or one, wherever we met the baby. Yeah, you pissed off Stewie so much in the family guy that he unstuck himself from time.

To harass you in all different parts of the timeline. I love it. So yeah, he escapes. DM, can you describe how he escapes? He goes, oh dear, looks like it's time to escape to one of my sexy parties. He puts on a little captain hat and a captain suit and then runs away like a Benny Hill theme, like where the frame rate's all weird. He's like, off screen. And he's followed by a bunch of like hot women who like are doing the conga line behind him.

It's a very specific Family Guy reference. I'm so glad he's gone. And then Rogue kills everyone else? So I was going to ask, what do you want Rogue to do? You have a natural 20, so whatever you want Rogue to do, he can do. Keeping in mind also that Agent Schmeggin is here. A lot of the deuterized people, you don't know if you can cure them yet. And there are other CIA agents here as well. Like, how would you like this to go down? Okay, so...

First, Rogue dons a lab coat and does tests to see whether or not the doodlerized people can be undoodled. Jesus Christ. All right. And he puts on glasses. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Does he adjust them with his wing? No, with his little paw. Oh, his little paw. All right, I'll roll. Does he have wings? Wait. No, he doesn't have wings. He just flies because he can. Okay, that's cool. He's not paying us his dog. So he only rolled a five. So unfortunately, he's like that dog from the meme that's like, I have no idea what I'm doing. He's dressed like a lab assistant. Like almost exactly what you described. He's a lab assistant.

But yeah, he rolled a five, so he's... Or does he pretend he knows? He goes, like all scientists. Like all fucking climate change scientists.

Rogue does his own research. I painted my entire house with aerosol spray cans. You get a role for his own research. So Ron turns to the group and he's like, that means he's pretty sure he knows, but between you and me... But between you and me, he's not always reliable. I mean, you're pawesome, Rogue. Like awesome, but with a paw. So keep going, buddy. He leaves those people alone for a second. Okay.

And then flies around to who are the remaining family guy bad guys? I think Cleveland. Just some of them, Beth. Don't make Anthony say their names. Just give like an idea. I believe American dad is still around.

I believe the chicken is still around. Surely that's enough. For American dad guy, Rogue does like a fucking matador and holds up the American flag. He's like, come on, come on. And he makes him fly out a window. Don't you disrespect the flag? Andy, that's really good too, dude. I know. There's so many other parts of my life I wish I was as good at as I am at Family Guy impressions. Rogue eats Cleveland. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

The American dad guy is holding out a flag as like a red thing for the bull. Yeah. But Rogue is just the right amount of patriotic. Just the right amount. Listen, we owe some of those dogs. There's a correct amount. There's some of those dogs a little too much. Don't ask where Snoopy was on January 6th. He eats both the American dad and the flag. Disrespecting both. Disrespecting both equally. Yeah.

The mayor people? Yeah, Rogue kills the mayor. I'm only letting you do that because the mayor was already pretty low on health. Describe, describe, describe. What a good little puppy. Here, puppy. Rogue sits down and gives her puppy dog eyes and goes like...

And Mare's like, you would be such a good part of my little army for really and for the doodler. And he tilts his head. Oh, no. Oh, he's so beautiful. May I pet your dog? May I pet the dog? Oh, please do. Oh, OK. Here we go. Here comes the pet. And he bites her arm off. Oh, no. Black bile spews from the wound. Rogue starts lapping it up and becomes more and more powerful. This is what I did. This is what I did.

His soulful brown eyes turn red. The more you do this, the more likely it is I'm going to have somebody kill him later. Yeah, careful, Beth. You're sowing the seeds of your own destruction. I love it. Careful, Icarus. You might like sowing, Beth, but wait till the reaping comes. Shit, maybe the mayor possesses Rogue and we don't know it. No, that doesn't happen. Do it! Do it!

And then Ron appears suddenly behind the mayor because he's so sneaky and then punches her head off. What does he say? He says, did you see that? I just punched that lady's head off. He says that before he punches her head off. Yep. Yeah, she goes, what? And turns around and watches him punch her head off. But the doodlerized people are closing in and Ron doesn't know morally where he stands with his own...

So he's like, we need to get out of here. Hop on. And Ron does a back handspring into a backflip and then lands on Rogue. Rogue is really long, by the way. Like just a long. Long enough for six to seven people. Yeah, definitely. Yes. And so he's like, don't worry, he's friendly. I don't believe in leashes. Yeah.

Hermione does a hood slide across the nose of Rogue and then climbs up. Shit. Leaps onto Rogue's butt like the Pikmin that climb onto Ochi and just hangs on. Normal is likewise going to frantically sprint and cling onto the underside of this dog's fur like Harrison Ford clinging to the helicopter skid at the end of Cleary Present Danger. And then he's like, come on, let's go!

Let's get out of here! Kayla's gonna roll in the garbage can towards that direction. And I guess, does the dog paw away stuff if it rolls at them? He'd probably paws at it, like, playfully, kind of like a cat would. Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig. And what happens? You probably get shaken out of it, I guess, unless you want to try to stay in with an acrobatics roll. This trash can's really doing some work for me. I mean, we're about to leave. I know, but what...

You can bring your items with you, Matt. I want to retain the trash can. There's two handles. Aren't you guys going to help? No! No! Fuck off! Get on the dog!

Wherever we go, there's probably going to be a trash can, buddy. I'm sure they have trash cans in heaven. I don't know why they'd have garbage in heaven, but maybe they do. No, it's all recycling. Recycling and compost. It's like if you forget underwear when you're going on an airplane, you don't turn back to buy more underwear. You just buy underwear wherever you go. Okay, so Taylor's hands pop out of the top of the garbage can and he grabs onto the leg fur.

The rest of his body is still in. Okay, so you're just dangling from the side still in your trash can? Well, I'll pull myself up. Don't worry, baby. Ron reaches his hand out to Scary, and Scary's like, man, you sure this dog's friendly? And Ron gives her a wink. Of course, he hasn't killed that many people. Hi, I'm Ron. I'm in a band. I'm also your step-grandfather. Ron helps Scary up, and Scary's sitting right next to Ron, eyeing him suspiciously.

Okay. Ron is like, where's the doodler thing? We need to get them up on YouTube. It's really important. I reach my hand out for dude. Up here. I'm going to hold your hand now. Okay. He reaches out and holds Link's hand. Okay. I pull him up and then just grab onto the dog's fur. This dog is soft. Yeah, it's awesome. I love this dog. Welcome aboard, dude. I'm something of a cool dude myself. Okay. So the CIA, who are still alive,

pull their guns and say, get on the ground, sit, stay, stay, stay, stay. They're trying to get the dog to stay there. So what do you do? Rogue, you don't have to listen to them. We've gotten through worse than this, buddy. All right. Just and then Ron tries to whistle. Right. Roll animal handling. Yeah.

I hold up the American flag as a shield, knowing that the CIA would never shoot through the American flag. Ron got an 11. All right, so with an 11, that's enough to get Rogue to listen to you. But just barely. Just barely. Just barely. You can see the Rogue is about to sit. Its butt is beginning to lower at the commands of Agent Schmeggin and the CIA. But then you say, get out of here. Oh, it's like, you know how like those cop dogs like only speak German? Yeah. Like Rogue only speaks some German.

made up language. The dogs don't speak German. The dogs don't speak German. You're correct. They're dogs. They hear German. So like the Millennium Falcon lifting off with the stormtrooper shooting? Yes, exactly like that. Bullets are flying. They're impacting against Rogue's coat, but Rogue's coat is a little bit too tough and they're bouncing off and...

Do I get hit? I'm hanging off the back of that trash can. Well, you're wearing a trash can, so even if you did get hit, it would just ping off of it. No, I think it would go off. Because it's a good Sesame Street-style metal trash can. I think it's going through that. You know, Sesame Street, where they block bullets with trash cans. Sesame Street, the reboot on Max. Yeah, it's a clean up the streets kind of movie, you know? It's like Rumble in the Bronx, but Big Bird does Kung Fu. What are you talking about? What's happening?

In AK-47? Elmo deserves a right to protect his family. Elmo says it's not in my house. Have you heard of castle doctrine? Not in Elmo's house. Elmo says castle doctrine. If you come to Elmo's house, he can legally murder you with no... Even if you're running away. Okay, so the dog lifts off and goes up and up and up and up and up.

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And up. And you get above the planet. And he's like, oh! Link and Dude are trying to climb to the back so we're not like, hang on to the planet anymore. We're like thousands feet away. Yeah, I feel like you're on him. You don't have to worry about him. Okay, we're just on him. Cool. And goes above the clouds, goes above the planet, and then somehow you feel yourself going above

space, which you did not even think was physically possible. You feel yourself go through a gray layer of fog and haze, and when you emerge, you emerge in a place that is completely white. You see a very, very, very long line of people. Mr. Stampler, I'm not ready to die. Well, everybody dies, kiddo. Are we dead now? I'm dead, yeah. Oh. What? Are we dead? Did we die? Actually...

nah you're alive all right i was just screwing with you no but this is heaven there's heaven yeah i mean grandpa daryl was right grandpa daryl grandma daryl and gran would always argue about that but i guess oh wait our dad's here oh your dad's oh yeah yeah sorry so sorry they were in the fight right yeah they're hiding in coach which is the underside of the yeah so at this moment your dads climb up from underneath the dog and join you on the top of the dog and they go what

What is going... What is this? And... Hey, you know this guy, right? Oh, yeah. You guys know Ron, right? Yeah, we know Ron. What are you doing here? Hi, it's me, Ron. Hey, kiddos. We heard you died in the ocean. Yeah, well, I got this incredible opportunity to go see the wreck of the Titanic. And then what happened? I died. Oh, okay.

Yeah, that's on me. Dumb question, Grant says. This looks like it's the entrance where there's a big line and then there's some pearly gates and then above it are these big massive eyes with wings all around the circumference of the eye that are just peering back and forth. They're biblically correct angels that are just gazing over everybody. There's machine gun emplacements on the gates of heaven. Also biblically accurate. Yeah, also biblically accurate. Biblically accurate mounted machine gun technicals. Sorry, we had to beef up security ever since a Catholic priest got into heaven. Whoa! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Thanks, man. I can't be dead now. Are we dead? We're not dead. I'm mad at my dad, but like, I knew I was going to like, you know, you're mad, but then you always say stuff before you die to like make things better. But now we're dead. Grant says, yeah, you're not, we're not, it's okay. We're both dead now, dad. So I can't even say the things I wanted to say before I died. Hey, you said something to me. Stop. We're not dead though. So I don't want to talk to you.

This is hard, I don't understand what's going on. One step forward, two steps back with this kid. You're not dead. Helvin, not Helvin. That was silly. Heaven is just kind of another realm. You know, I got here- Wait, so there's nowhere we go after we die? Well, I got here by faking my own death, but I faked it so good that I actually died. Where do we go when we die then? Why don't you roll Perception? If only it were that easy. If only! You guys solved a lot of problems with that roll, buddy. Woo!

15. So ahead of you in line, about 100 people up, you see about 200 trees standing in line. And atop one of them, you see an old crone that you recognize as the woman that you stole the sun from under the ground. Trees go to heaven? Mm-hmm. They all got baptized. What?

Well, they didn't happen in our show. It happened off screen. There's a rich tapestry of things that happen off screen. So Aaron O'Neill turns around and sees you and narrows her eyes and squints with irritation. And she taps the tree and the tree starts walking over to you and then sort of bends over so she can look you guys in the eye.

And she goes, so what are you doing here? Did you finally die? See, we're dead. Scary takes Ron aside. Is there like a place there that is like more private? Yeah, you can walk to the private cloud that's on the side. Oh, yes, the private cloud. There's all these little clouds. There's people having really difficult conversations. Before Scary can say anything, Ron is like, Terry Jr. told me so much about you and how good you are at fencing.

And Scary's like, I don't do fencing. I play soccer. And Ron's like, oh, offense. Offense. Yes. Apparently you're a big star. So thank you for that. And Scary's like, I have something. This is so hard, Anthony. I don't know how you do this. Scary's like, I have something to tell you about your son, your stepson, I guess. And Ron's like,

Yeah, I know. I know. I'm sorry for your loss, Gary. Gary says, well, I mean, it's not really my loss, so I'm sorry for your loss. I mean, it's not my loss. And Ron says, well, in that case, I'm sorry you don't realize that it is your loss. Wow. I...

Came to Earth. Oh, yeah, I guess I should say this in front of everybody so we could walk back to everybody. But I came to Earth when I realized that Terry Jr., well, he died, but he wasn't here. And he's such a good boy. He went to hell. Yeah.

Oh, sorry. Link, what the hell, Link? Holy shit, dog. What the fuck? You said that out loud, buddy. I was like, you know. Yeah. Okay. Hey, sorry. I didn't mean to listen in. Well, speaking of dads, I guess, I brought you all here.

Because of them and Ron's pointing at dude. Me? What did I do? Oh, nothing wrong or anything. It's just I got to find some place to hide you, buddy. Yeah, you all you all wanted to hide me somewhere, right? Yeah, there's no way my dad's getting up here. I mean, I don't think. Oh, yeah. I guess if I was in heaven and if Willie can't get to heaven.

Then that's where I could stay away from him. Yeah. Don't want you to get in the wrong hands, my dude. And see, dude, only good people can get into heaven, I think. Right. So like that means you're good. Well, yeah, we're trying to. Yeah. Yeah. So like.

I'm sure you can find fun stuff here. As you all are talking, dude goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, what's up, dude? Dude doubles over and their body starts to glitch out. Their top half and bottom half separate for a second and they come back together in a frame later. That looks like that hurt. Their eyes get really, really big and really, really small and glitchy and they're staticking out in front of you.

And, dude, I don't feel very... Dude, what's up? Can I roll something like an Arcana investigation? Angels, aren't you supposed to do something? You're supposed to be good. Angels, hello, we got a man down here, angels. And they just make the motion from angels in the outfield and they don't actually do anything? Yeah. Oh, this looks bad. It looks bad. Let me roll Arcana. I'm something of a knowledgeable man. I got an 11. Okay. Oh, wait, an 11 plus seven.

Oh, wow. OK. And then I go to hell. So with an 18, you can tell Ron that the doodler's physical form is beginning to degrade. You're not meant to have that much emotion and fear and love and confusion in a package that small, because remember, you saw the entire sky basically go into scary and then get vomited out in the form of the doodler. And that given enough time, they are going to completely degrade and potentially

potentially when that happens something very bad could happen to the world because that's a lot of power being released very suddenly like a ticking bomb yeah kind of like a bomb kind of like a ticking clock oh no that would lead to an explosion ron conveys all this in a really great way fantastic well thanks ron thanks really good shit this ron guy can fucking spin a tail huh dude just all your crazy feelings just stuff them deep down yeah that's

what I do. It helps. It really helps. Okay, you just gotta find the right song and then just keep looping that, listening to that and just stay in your room and it's like, that's all you need to do. Okay. Or you binge through many, many seasons of an anime you've already seen. Or you make a custom soccer team in FIFA and then name it after all the friends you wish you had and then make yourself the star player. And you don't even need to play the games. You can just like sit around on the side of the field and just talk. Or you punch a hole in the drywall and blame it on your stepdad's plan. Oh yeah, do all those things. And then write about them.

in this and I hand dude a Moleskine journal. Hemingway used one and so did Picasso. Lark and Sparrow and Grant look at each other like, what did we... We need to be taking a more active role in our children's lives. Yeah, no shit. Grant almost considers going for a hug and then stops himself because he didn't roll very well on stealth. He was going to stealth hug you. Well, so here's the best part about that is because you open the hug, you got your arms out

But now you're got your arms out, so now what? Now he has to do a shrug to make it seem like that's why his arms are out. He's like, what? You don't take any responsibility. And then one of the angels is like, no imitating Christ! That's the one rule. You can see this bad impression coming. And then I was like, drink of mud. Oh, shit.

He went straight to hell. So Aaron goes, oh, yeah, it looks like he's going to degrade and probably explode. That seems like a you problem. Okay, what do we do? What do we do? You're in here too, lady. Oh, God. Even after death, I can't be saved from having to help you ding-dongs, you ninnies, figure out very basic information. That's a lot of creature to be put into one little box.

So I think if you don't send that thing back to its home dimension, it's going to go boom. Okay. How big of a boat? I thought it was like always here. Where's your home? Aren't you like God, dude? Dude, where are you from, bro? I remember a box in Tennessee. Uh-huh.

And then I remember coming out of a guy in San Dimas. Okay. And that's kind of it. Beforehand, there was just a lot of like black chaos. Okay, great. So maybe I'm from that. Can we send him to the black chaos? How do we do that? Yeah, black chaos dimension. That's not going to be specific enough. You need coordinates. You need all kinds of information. It should be. God.

Yes! Whoa! Yeah! Hey! Stop! Hi. Hello! Are you... Where is this guy from? I got so many questions. Are you just one of you? Aaron goes, Jerry, stop it. Jerry goes, okay. Ha ha ha!

I wasn't God? Is Jerry the God of our universe? No, Jerry's just a guy who likes to stand in line and make people think that he's God. I do it to everybody who shows up. It kills. Because he's a big white guy with a big old bushy beard. I figured I would just lean into it.

I'm really tall. I got a big white beard. I felt like, get out of here, Jerry. All right. I'll go back to earth and be Santa again. Jerry would probably get into heaven if he stopped impersonating God. That's why they keep kicking him into the back. That's why they keep kicking him into the back line. Yeah, that's what it is. The false idols. They went back and put that in the Ten Commandments just because of Jerry. Jerry's been around for thousands of years. It's the same bit every time. He never gets old. That's me in the Sistine Chapel painting.

Yeah, they modeled us as idiots. Yeah, I posted that one. Oh, Jerry. Alright, anyway, how do we find out where they're from? What do we do? Well, it's

It's going to take a lot of power to do that because they're not from hell. They're not from the goof realm. They're not from earth and they're not from heaven. So they're from some outside planes, one of the chaotic planes. So in order to do that, you need an awful lot of what we call daddy magic. Oh, well, how's daddy magic going to help? Basically, I could make you a potion for a price that would allow you to give it to them. They could drink it and then they would unlock some old memories of where they're initially from and they could

sort of trying to get a dad. Yeah, I suppose so. If they have a dad. Do you have a dad? You don't know. I don't know. Okay, well, all right. So you have like a career. I mean, daddy magic isn't like, that's what you call it, but it's just like creator magic. What? Like, does that have to be dads? Yes. Oh, so why was the dealer doesn't have a dad? I mean, everything has a progenitor. A creator. Okay. So like I said, like, yeah.

I just like calling it Daddy Magic. Yeah, that's what I was saying. I was saying, like... Yes, a creator, yes. Okay, okay. But yeah, Daddy Magic is definitely, like, a catcher. So what do we do? How do we make this potion? I know a couple of social media creators. You have to find powerful moments, powerful memories between fathers and their children. And you can take some of the Daddy Magic from those moments, from those memories, and then store it in, like, a jug. Okay. Like a milk jug or whatever you want. Okay. And then once you've got enough of that, I can...

make the potion. Dad, give me a memory. Sparrow goes, well, it's got to be a memory that's important to both of us. So I guess what about the time that I first let you try pizza when you're not, no, it's not very good. What about, what about,

what about the time you said you were not proud of me? I remember that. That was a big memory for me. Why don't we put that one in here? If I put it in there, will I not remember it anymore because the memory's in there? Do they have to be happy memories? That wasn't a happy memory. I mean, I didn't really feel that way about it. No, that's why I

I was wondering. They don't have to be happy now. Okay, so like cool, goth, dark memories can make it into the pot. Is there a jug here? A jug. I got one right here. Oh, no, that's a trash can. I want my memories in a trash can. Well, yes, I had a little. I pick it up and I put my lips over it. And I go.

I remember me and Marco played FIFA. And I remember when I got the newest FIFA and me and Marco played FIFA a lot. And then, oh, oh, there's this one time where Grant was going to be home really late. And I said, it's past my bedtime, but can I still play FIFA with you, dad? And Marco said, yeah, we played FIFA really late. And I woke up and Grant, he was still playing FIFA because he was trying to get to the end of the tournament.

tournament and here you guys go and I hold the bottle up to you as you say this stuff into the bottle that Aaron O'Neill has presented to you you feel yourself going into your own memory your consciousness goes to that memory you can remember yourself playing FIFA with Marco you can remember the look on vivid huh it's very very vivid you feel like you're reliving it again for the first time and

And once you go to bed in the memory, you wake back up in your own body and a little bit of this rainbow colored liquid has leaked out of your eyes and into the bottle. But it only fills it up like a couple millimeters. Okay. Is that it?

No, it's all right. There's a new FIFA every year. Oh, yeah. And it's okay if I just do memories with one dad, right? Like, I'm cyanide, Grant. Grant's like, Jesus, Grant. I told you, we're just like, we're just professional friends now. Work colleagues. Or work colleagues. Yes, we're work colleagues. There's no work colleague magic, is there, Aaron? No, that's not a thing. Oh, that's a shame. Aw, guys, I feel like

We have work hauling magic. We only have it because we don't have an HR department. That's there to protect Freddie.

So Aaron O'Neill says like, there's only so much daddy magic you can give up per person. So that's all you're going to get from that kid. That's all the magic I have? Yeah. I mean, you got a lot of nice memories, but that's all the magic you got. Let me think of one with, you know, the other person. Okay. Playing FIFA with Grant. Yes. Remember when we played FIFA together and then I passed to you and you got the winning goal over

over uh frederico the incredibly popular soccer player in our time sort of the pele of our time i lean and i whisper i remember playing fifa and i fell asleep but i didn't really fall asleep i was having too hard of a time and then grant thought i was asleep and he put a blanket to tuck me in and he said i love you every day i knew you weren't really sleeping

You're not supposed to be listening to this. Right. Sorry, colleague. Yeah. Cool. Okay. So yeah, I remember that. So again, nothing happens. Oh man, a dream. You gotta wait 15 minutes. Guys,

Okay. Okay. Normal. You give up as much daddy magic as you can give per person and it's just that you're one and done. So that's as much as you can give. Dad, this is all you got. I'm mad at Grant about this for some reason. I don't know why that's my fault. Because it's your daddy magic. It's just because you're young. No, no, no. It's because you're young. No, no. Let's say it was your dad as daddy magic. I toss it to you. Um, um.

Uh, okay. Well, I remember going to the zoo with you, Dad, on my fifth birthday, and we had a really good time. It was just you and me, and I felt like I didn't get to spend all that much time with you. We went to a rescue zoo with ethically put-there animals.

It would have died out in the wild because that's who we love. It's just insects. It's just, yeah, there was like this. We saw a squirrel and we saw some birds, but they were just in a tree and they flew by. But it was really nice. We went to the park and I told you it was a zoo. Yeah.

Because your friends at school told you how fun zoos were, but I was morally opposed to them. Grandpa Henry always said that his favorite zoo was Mother Earth because the whole zoo that we're all in. The important thing was it's just you and me. And it felt like we just had this really nice day together. We got sandwiches afterwards and that was really fun and nice.

That was it. Okay. As you say that again, just like Link, you zoom back into the memory. You feel like you're at the park again with your dad. You're eating the sandwiches. You're looking at the squirrels. Everything's nice. Everything's simple. Your whole life is ahead of you. You don't have to pay taxes yet. And again, rainbow fluid comes down out of your eyes into the jar. Exact same amount as Link. It looks like a little bit more. No, if anything, if anything, it might be less because you got two dads. Although, well, the way.

Nothing. What does that mean? Don't worry about it. Don't worry about what? You know who your dad is. I do. I do know who my dad is. Yeah, don't worry about it. Okay. Anybody else want to add anything into this jug? All right, well. It seems like there's not a lot to be extracted from us. No, because you're really, really young and you only got the daddies. You know what you would really want, hypothetically, to fill this thing all the way to the brim? Yeah. Would be daddy magic from daddies about their daddies. Granddaddy magic, if you will. Whoa. What?

Okay. So how do we... Because it's like an exponential amount of dad in the memory? Yeah, it's dads all the way down. It's dads on dads on dads. Wow. So we need some dad on dad memories is what you're telling me. It's double the amount of daddy magic. Yeah, if you... Well, we're too young for that. And we'll never fill this thing at this rate. Like, what, are we going to go to school and do this one drop at a time? Dude's about to explode. If you could find your granddads, wherever they are, and unite them with their sons, your dads...

then having both of them together would create a whole lot of daddy magic that you could then slurp up into the bottle. Oh, do we got to slurp it up? No, you don't have to drink it. Okay. I mean, dude has to drink it. Dude has to drink it. Oh, no. It looks like a Lisa Frank cover. No, it'll taste good, I'm sure, dude. Yeah. Wait, do you know who Lisa Frank is? Everybody knows who Lisa Frank is. Tell me.

me there's at least a friend please there has to be you don't want to know why would i want i want to know he gets a distant look in his eyes and then you can hear in the background the screams of horns and explosions screams of dolphins yeah dolphins don't belong in space yeah dolphins like machine guns seems like your next goal is to find your granddads wherever the heck they are reunite them with your dads and then collect all the daddy magic

Or you could send the doodler back to where the doodler came from. And then everything is solved and Willie can't do nothing. Well, Grandpa Daryl's dead. Well, good thing we're next to heaven then, huh? Oh. Well, wait, do you know if your granddad went to heaven? I mean, obviously, he's like the coolest dude ever. Ron says, well, we have to go to hell anyway so I can see Terry Jr. again. Oh, yeah, your dad. That's where my granddad is, I think. So we're going to make a couple of trips anyway.

Where's your granddad? I mean, Dad, I know you and Grandpa Henry haven't spoken in a while, but he's still alive. Like, he's on Earth. He's back in San Dimas. Yeah. Yeah, he is. Oh. It's been a while since we talked, though. Yeah. So, well, that could be, like, you know, maybe... Yeah. So, hey, Angel. Wait, is that Jerry again? Yes. So the angel comes by, zooms up next to you, and blinks at you, and you immediately feel like you are being...

Watched harder than you've ever been watching. Yeah. Hey, your thoughts, your very thoughts, your very emotions are being analyzed by this person. Oh, okay. It feels weird. Hey, so my granddad's in there. He's got like talk to him. So we're trying to do a good deed. You guys all like that, right? So we're just trying to go talk to my grandpa. We're not trying to take him out. We'll bring him out. Just talk to my grandpa. As you're talking, slowly lowering itself towards you. Oh, cool. Hey, uh,

And we'll just talk to him, and then he just needs to talk. And it takes its pupil, which is just a big hole, you know? Uh-huh. And it just puts the hole over your head. Oh. And now it's, like, entirely encircling your head, and it's just... It's the darkest dark you've ever experienced inside the pupil of this thing. I...

Where am I? And then it blinks and you feel like big wet eyelashes like hit you in the back and the stomach. And then it goes back up. Oh. And you're sobbing wet now. Okay. And then it flies away. Is there a man in there? Okay. Hey, Link, what did you see in there? Did you see your dad? Did you see your granddad? I saw nothing. It was just complete darkness. They don't want people to just get in without jumping the line. Well, we don't have time to wait in this line. Dude's like a ticking, you know, B-O-M-B right now. Well, then it sounds like.

What you need to do is plan a heaven heist. Our days whisked away, but is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. Used to tell myself it'll be a lie, slept and sleep at night, and no one knows me better. I sound this right, it's just a matter of time till we make

We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today For tomorrow makes the day can't change We gotta pick ourselves up today No, not today Just sorrow, act tomorrow

James Roy, Taylor Jade Kirby, James, no last name, Charlie V, Emma Trough,

Riley and Jacob Bush, Andy O'Neill, Sarah Gorman, Luke Kinn, Mackenzie Durkin, Daniel Bennett, Rebecca Sinisvet, Sakin Medekar, Carolyn Redman, Ray Bertoldi, Alec Tempesta, Brandon Bart, Gabriel Newbern, and Jordan French. Is my voice a little bit raw? Do I sound a little bit tired? Well, that's probably because we just got back from our first ever West Coast live tour. So a huge shout out and thank you to all of you out there who came out to support us. Some of the people working at the venues were telling us that we had...

the loudest shows that they had ever had in there. They had decibel meters going through the roof, absolute madness. And right now we're sorting through all of our shows and our footage. And if you missed out, you want a little bit of taste of what that tour was like, there's going to be only one place to wet your beak. And that's going to be as a Patreon supporter. We're cutting together a little mini behind the scenes documentary of our tour. We have footage from those live shows, both the one shots we played and the live music we performed. Oh, what could that mean? Find out by going to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads, where you'll get mountains of exclusive videos.

We will see you then.

We gotta pick ourselves today, no not today Before tomorrow makes me can't change Not today, no not today Need to sorrow act tomorrow

Can you give an example of some reasons that you think are okay for killing lots of people? Yes, of course. I mean, I'm not the one in charge of heaven, so I can't say for sure. But in my opinion, self-defense, protective one's family, for example, trees, for example, the sun that was used to give the trees life that somebody then stole and they all died. Okay, all right. Oh, it's boo? I'm boo for you killing all my family?