S2 Ep. 4 - Barf Bum Movie Men (Ft. Elyse Willems)
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. Hey, Normal, can we go to the piss shop? What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what? I'm gonna prod some glam, so I got two digits in your rectum. I'm huntin', lookin' for a polyp, this is Jack in the Box.

Piss.

I got a

Veno Badger's been off. Time to bring the thunder. Uh-oh, uh-oh, the Roni's on patrol. Tony ain't got nothing on my school pride, hell no. Sneaking back at lunch, hit the cool kids table. Margarita pizza's like, hey, where'd my finger go? I'm gonna prod some plans. Oh, I got two digits in your rectum. I'm hunting, looking for a home. This is Jacket.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is the story of 14 searching for their lost dads in a world forever changed after their granddads accidentally unleashed an eldritch god. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift. Covenant Ranger.

the cool anime loving prepper teen of the group. I don't even know why I need to say cool. Everyone knows that's implicit in those adjectives. Excuse me, Matt? What? Nothing. Taylor's teen fact, rad fact for this week. Taylor is...

a hero because one time when he was a child he's a cool hero let me tell the story Will let me tell the story when he was 16 damn so here's what happened by the way if you don't know this this is actually a really cool little YouTube rabbit hole there's YouTube videos where you can be like spot the drowning kid like spot someone who's drowning oh yeah yeah no it's for like lifeguards to try oh wow it's not to get off to it's like for lifeguards no one was listening that don't be like literally just tell us a fact

the fact about Taylor. So Taylor got really into these videos because he was like, I need to spot, you know, the drowning kid in the YouTube video. So he got really good at it because he spent a whole summer just like staring at YouTube and trying to identify because it's not the usual markers, right? It's not someone screaming and splashing around. It's actually a lot subtler than that. The silent death. You have to know what to look for. That's what they call it. Or leptin. Leptin.

Oh boy, oh boy. Me and Anthony come in humor. So he got really into these videos and then he's at the local pool and he spotted a kid

who was drowning. What he did as a hero is he stood up and pointed over there and said, hey, that kid's drowning! And then the lifeguard, you know, like, stopped looking at their phone playing Wardle 2000 because, you know, in the future there's a cool, crazy Wardle and dived and saved him. Only 2,000 letter words. No one has solved it. It's like one of those ancient codexes that still has yet to be deciphered. And it leads to Jim Wardle's secret treasure! Ha ha ha!

The kid's still alive, thanks to Taylor's eagle eyes. He died like two days later. Yeah, sure did hit him. It's a file destination shit, dude. Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled at home sports kid who's tall and tougher than he sounds.

And is a paladin. Everybody's just aspirational in all the descriptions of yourselves. Rad fact about Lincoln is that he wakes up very early because he's got to get that workout going. He's got to get his body primed for the soccer field. And the first 90 minutes, the length of a soccer game, once he wakes up, it's a no handball zone. No handball time. So he cannot use his hands for anything. He can't use his hands.

He uses his foot. He only uses his feet to dress himself, which means half the time he's just like in his underwear and like half a shirt on. He's wearing those cleats to bed. He's the kind of responsible for breakfast because both of his dad's work. So like he often like, you know, they put up with a lot of like spilled orange juice and stuff like that. But he's trying to get good. He's definitely working on his left foot. But yeah, no, he's gotten pretty good with his feet. I'm sorry, Matt. If somebody every day for 90 minutes tried to do things with their feet.

They would be so adept with their feet. Yeah. Then how did he not get on varsity? We'll find out in another fact. There's more to soccer than just being good with your feet, Freddie. But there's not more to sex. Yeah. Lincoln would tell you that it's because the varsity team is mean to him. Man, what if he had a mug that was like, don't talk to me until I've had my coffee and then play with my feet for a third. Don't talk to me. Can we make a coffee mug that says don't talk to me until I've had my feet? Not yet.

Not yet. No. Almost. We should just go full on just like pervert shit on our store. There's two options you can take for merch. You can either do like cool show themed merch or just pervert shit. And like I bet you when I go to Target they say categories and they say pervo shit or groceries. 2023 we're going to do pervo shit only and we're going to compare how the two stores do. We got an A B. A B test. Hey everyone. B stands for

butthole everyone I will camp us sorry wow Matt good one

So A.B. is anal butthole fat. You're going to learn anything from that. We need to clean up this room. I'm Will Campos. I played Normal Oak. Perky, peppy, chipper, cheery, school spirit, mascot kid slash cleric. Rad fact about Normal this week is that Normal can't swim. In point of fact, he was the kid. But we didn't know it, dude. That is so true.

sweet. He was both the kid that drowned but he was also the kid in one of the videos that Taylor watched. It's happened to him multiple times. That's why Taylor was able to do it. It's that kid who was drowning. He didn't actually understand the signs of drowning. He just goes, oh, it's that kid. That kid's prone to drown. The giant mascot head probably would be another.

Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about Scary, this episode, is that last episode she found Terry Jr.'s note to self that said, what do you do when your arm itches and thought it was some sort of cool like code or something. So she's been working on it. And so far she's plugged it into like several different anagram generators and

And they don't allow that many characters. But she's got like a few guesses, like ha neurochemistry, munchy seaworther. Let's see what else. Munchy seaworthers. There's a bunch of like,

Hoot, Wood, Chorus Whitney, Sherwin Touchy. That's just our classmates. It's me, Chorus Whitney. It's all of our classmates. Oh my God, yes. Sherman Touchy? What does he have to do with this? Stay away from Sherman Touchy. It's like the evil Forrest Whitaker. Oh my God, yes.

Chimer Unseaworthy is like personally my favorite. But yes, nothing concrete jumping out to solve what she perceives as a riddle or whatever. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. I was so psyched to just go straight into it. I forgot I have to do dad facts. My favorite movie when I was in high school was, no. Boondock Saints.

And now Reservoir Dogs. RuneDogs 2 All Saints Day. Yep, it was RuneDogs 2 All Saints Day. Which didn't come out until you were in college. Yeah, well, he wrote it. I compared it to my fanfic that I wrote when I was in high school. Say no more, say no more. Beth, because Scary is left-handed, go ahead and roll a d100 and see if Scary dies.

I got a 94. Wow. You were six away from dying. No. Immortality is a hundred. And if I roll a one, I die. No, you roll a zero. Okay, fine. But also roll a wisdom save to see if you've masturbated in the last week for the Kellogg knife. What is that? At least it looks uncomfortable. I just saw some fan art of me as a furry. Oh!

- I mean so obviously-- - I can handle anything. - I think Beth should have to roll disadvantage with that information. - Nine plus three. - It's 12, okay so you did not masturbate this last week, so your Kellogg Knife is now 2d4 damage. - Nice.

Okay, so as you may have heard before the break, we've got a guest on the show today. Hope it's not a woman. Ooh, I've got bad news for you, Beth. Oh, no. What if she's hot? Uh-oh. Homina, homina. A wuga, a wuga. Oh, no. Beth is doing the Tex Avery Wolf thing. Beth, put your tongue back in your mouth. Oh, I can't. What is this? A show of...

Yes. So as all of you, my four regular teens, notice that Margarita, the popular girl, is clawing at her suddenly missing finger and panicking, you see behind you another female student, one that you hadn't noticed before, has been looking at the goings on with a bit of fear, but also a bit of familiarity, a bit of recognition in her eyes.

You want some too? You got a problem? So Elise Willems, our guest, thank you for coming, Elise. Yay, Elise. What do they see when they turn around and see your character? They turn and they see maybe the most popular girl in school. God damn it.

Even Taylor's sweating a little bit. She should be because Erica Drippins is... She is an angel on earth. We're talking chestnut waist-length hair, sparkling green eyes, a body that Beth would kill for.

Just take over. I'm going to go to the gym, guys. No, I didn't mean to have. I meant to hold. Oh, okay. Yeah. If you're leering at me. Yeah. You know I am.

I'm always. Then you would not believe Erica Dripens. Our friendship is at risk. Really Harry Met Sally vibes going on. And I mean, she's just the total package. Great. This girl. Academically, how is she? And I mean, that's the thing. You think, how could she have it all? How could she have it all? She does. She is the class valedictorian.

She's currently running for class president. She's in pre-med, in high school. What? Okay, how? How is this possible? Well, I mean, we do have a urology class. But she's also the captain of the cheer team, and my God, she is a horse girl. It's so funny.

Oh my God. Is being a horse girl like really cool in the future? It is Beth. It is. And now? Horses will clock her from a hundred yards away and they will come running. Yeah.

Whether she wants them to or not. There is nothing this girl cannot do or have or be. Name again? So I have it right here. Erica Dripens. Jesus Christ. Oh, the Sandemus Dripens. When he leans over to Taylor, dude, dude, you should cover up Erica's name on your backpack that you draw all the time. Oh my God. Dude, she's going to see it. Oh, you're right. You're right. And I just, it's E-R-I-C-A and I like add an S in front and then I turn R-I-C-A into a big X. So

So it just says sex. It just says sex dripping. It says sex dripping. I'm like, this will work. Scary sees the word sex dripping. She's like, fuck, I should have used that. That's a good one. So there's still a screaming girl with her finger that just got severed, right? Oh, my God. Margarita pizza. Oh, what happened? What happened to your finger? I don't know.

Is it anybody? Okay. Just calm down. Just calm down. And I grab like, as I said, I'm sorry. I just grabbed like a wad of napkins and I like put them on the stump to like, here, just do this. I'm on look for the finger. Okay. Go ahead and give me a perception roll. Don't worry, Erica. I'll find it. I'll find your finger. It's not Erica.

Margarita lost the finger. Margarita, sorry. I like the Taylor side. I'm so flabbergasted. Your finger, she's going, can I find it? That girl's pretty, she's got no finger. That other girl's pretty, she does have a finger. Which one do I choose? I got an 11. God, once again with the parade of ones. You don't see the finger. I mistake the finger for a chicken nugget. Yeah, you scan the ground of the lunchroom. Yeah, all you find is a chicken nugget. Can I scan for the finger? Go for it.

That's a 19. Damn. So a 19, your finger sense fucking pings intensely, and you can tell that that finger is nowhere in this room. Guys, the finger's off this world. What are you talking about? I didn't say that. I'm saying it. I'm saying it's gone. I don't know where it is. The finger's gone. That makes no sense. It's not anywhere. Look, if it had fallen, I would have been able to kick it up straight to my hand.

It's gone. It's not here. It's not in this room. That's pretty metal, actually. Can we investigate the source of the horn sound? Roll another perception because it happened really quickly. So you'd have to be able to remember where you heard it from. Three. I got a 19. So you could tell that when you heard that horn noise, it came from the less popular corner of the lunchroom. Like where a lot of the nerds, a lot of the computer kids, a lot of the band geeks, all that stuff. Wait, can this be the sound? Sure.

No, it can't. Okay. I lock eyes with Erica Dripens and I say, Erica, my cheer team colleague, you're pre-pre-med. Can you help out here? Erica looks over and she just kind of shakes her head really briskly. What's, Erica, what's wrong? What's wrong? Cat got your tongue? Mm.

She just kind of shakes her head and turns away. I'm going to guess that like one of the people that's even less popular than you, Freakos, killed Margarita Pizza or whatever. Margarita, are you okay? R.I.P. for having our hearts so metal. I'm not dead. I'm bleeding. It's almost like she's still here sometimes. Anyways.

What? Did you feel something? Like what happened? Well, like I can tell that from like the other corner, you know, there's people like me that are like cool, but like nobody recognizes it yet. And then there's people that are like less cool. I think one of them did it. Well, we got to check it out. Yeah, I'm going to go shake him down. While she's doing that, I'm going to do a medicine check to try to staunch the bleeding of this severed finger. Go for it.

Oh, I got a 20. Okay. So yeah, you put the correct amount of pressure on the correct amount of paper napkins. Yeah. The exact number of paper napkins recommended by the FDA and the bleeding stops. So she goes, I'm going to go to the nurse. I'm going to go to the nurse. This is fucking gross. This is so gross. And then she gets up and just hits the nurse with her other popular friends. If someone finds my finger, just like bring it to the nurse's office. Put it on ice. She's really popular. She's really popular. So there's a bunch of really pretty people.

Is she on like the soccer team? She does varsity soccer. She's Tony Pepperoni's daughter, right? Yeah, she's Tony Pepperoni's daughter. Pepperoni Tony's daughter. Pepperoni Tony's daughter. The vice principal. What is this show? It's bad. In answer to your question, it's bad. This is a bad show for bad people.

One of the worst. She generally is the star in most of the theater productions. And she like actually is pretty good at acting. Like people don't go out of pity. They go because like she's actually good and makes like the yellow boat watchable. I said last episode that we've had dinners at Pepperoni Tony's house. Yeah, with the vice principal. I feel like I've seen Margarita. The Pepperonitorium. I feel like Margarita gets like pulled into these dinners. So I've seen her every once in a while. I kind of slip over to her as she's walking out and say, hey, Margarita, we're quick. And I look around and make sure nobody sees what I'm going to do. I think you just do it with stealth.

I think you roll stealth to do it and see if people notice it. Okay, well, I got a one. I'm still going to do it. I put my hand over her hand and I'm going to do lay on hands. The paladin spell. I'm going to heal her. Okay. You make your finger come back. Oh, wow. Wow. So everyone, everyone in the lunchroom sees this happen. Hey, Marguerite, just don't don't. This is really weird. Stuff's going on with me right now, but I just I don't want you to lose a finger because, you know, you're such a good soccer player. And I know fingers are the most important thing, but like, you know, you should have a finger.

Here, check this out. You touch her. Let me use all five of my HP, I'm assuming. I don't know how much hurt that finger was. I'd say it's exactly five HP. Nice, I did it. You grow her finger back. Scary is in the middle of berating the uncool kids. Like, what do you mean she's got all ten fingers? Look at her! And then it turns around and like... Yeah, everybody in the lunchroom turns and sees Lincoln touch her, which is just a weird thing to do. He just puts his hand on her and then her finger comes back. And immediately Margarita goes like...

Gross. He like took my finger and then put it back on. What did you? Dad. Dad. And she calls for Pepperoni Tony, the vice principal, to come in. She screams it, in fact. In my head, Pepperoni Tony is coming in with the same energy as like Vince McMahon. You know, that saunter, you know, like right before he tore both his quads. Yeah, he kicks up the door sauntering like he did before the Royal Rumble when he tore his quads.

And he sees Erica because all vice principals are familiar with the most popular and cool and intelligent kids in school. He goes, Erica, what's going on? He sounds like Vincent McMahon now. Something's going on. What's happening with your mouth? Something's wrong with Erica. What's going on, Erica?

Can I roll perception to see if there's something wrong with Erica? Yes. Can this episode be called We Need to Talk About Erica? 19. Whoa! Hey, I got one just a second ago. Erica is missing something. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. In her face area. Uh-oh. Is it her tongue? Something is awry in the land of Erica's face. She does see you and beckons you over to her. Okay. All of us? Beckons you all to come talk to her. Guys, there's something awry with

with Erica's face. Erica, be aggressive. Be in. Oh my God, her tongue's been cut out. When he said that, we all go, aggressive. We just have to do it. Aggressive. I'm staring at like this stupid anagram generator and I see one that says Hermie Unworthy, which is definitely a student name. And I stare at Hermie Unworthy, the student, and I'm like, I know you did something. I didn't.

Erica cannot believe that she is beckoning the kid over with the anagram generator. But she does. She's kind of hanging back in the shadows. And really, for this girl that usually is a social butterfly, she does not want attention on her, but she's trying to discreetly call you all over to her.

I run away from Tony because he looks scared. I guess we're just going to run over to Erica. Yeah, Erica and Tony are basically... I love that Tony Pepperoni came in, saw his daughter screaming over like a puddle of her own blood, presumably, and was like, oh my God, Erica. That's her reputation. She's the most important person in school. She's dramatic. I mean, he sees a girl with 10 fingers who's got some red on her who is screaming and he's like, ah, girls be girls.

But he's standing next to Erica. What, a teenage girl who's not talking? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk, talk, talk. Don't you know girls? So he goes, hold on, Erica. I'll be back to talk to you more later. I'm going to go talk to my daughter. Margarita pizza. And then he does this man's shred over to margarita pizza and leaves the scene briefly while you guys talk. I hand Erica a piece of paper and a pen to write with.

Erica takes the pen and the pad and she thinks she's being so cool and mysterious. God damn it. Scary quiet Erica's talking. She writes, I need your help and holds it up to you. She needs our help. Taylor takes this like Cupid's arrow through his fucking heart. And he like rushes over and like bends the knee. It's like, what do you need? She goes to write again. Use my back to write.

I put the paper on Taylor's back and do the panic cat. And Taylor flexes to make sure that's a good sturdy surface. And Link tries to like give Taylor like a knee, you know, so like to cut because he can tell he's kind of struggling in the position he is in. Like it's an uncomfortable kneeling position. He's definitely like shaking. So he's leaning for her right on and then you put your knee out so that he can like lean on you. Yeah, so he can kind of lean on me. I'm trying to help him out here. So you're both kneeling.

I'm very tall, so I got like my leg. Only leg-based solutions to problems for a leg. Yeah, actually, I was so strong, I just lift my leg up and he's, he's running, so I'm like, this is like a good workout anyway. Scary, are you involved in this? I, scary is mine is racing. She's like, I can't believe she's getting more attention than me. I,

You say that, but Hermie Unworthy is staring only at you. She talked to me. I think she likes me. I feel like Hermie's so worthy. Hermie's literally kneeling behind you. Yeah, Hermie's kneeling behind a lunch table just staring at you. He's working on the anagram too, hoping it gets solid for you. He's trying to see if there's an anagram that has Scary plus Hermie in it that he can show you. Scary's like, my stomach hurts.

Looks up to see if any of her friends are. Well, scary. We'll take care of that later. Barry needs our help. Fuck. Hermica runs forward holding Pepto-Bismol in his hands that he has from his backpack. I have an upset. I'm prone to die

If your stomach hurts, you can have some of this. That's such a bold teen move to be able to say the word diarrhea amongst your peers. I'm not scared about my own body. I have no shame. Yeah, thanks, Hermie. Glad to see some people still care about other people. He immediately blushes and turns away. He goes, she loves me.

The next day you see him and Goth sitting underneath a tree and Iguana just talking. She'll come around. She'll come around. You're my rival, but I respect you. May the best man, Iguana, win.

Erica's writing something. I think. Well, after all. She got what she wanted. She got all the attention. Uh-oh. Using Beth instead of scary? Not the move, Matt. Not the move. That was the joke.

Anyways. Erica sees Scary with the attention grab and she nods because game respects game. But after all this preamble and presentation, she takes the pen to write and realizes it's out of ink. So she throws it over her shoulder and just frustrated, she talks. I need your help. Oh.

Okay. What's up? What's going on? Can't you tell? Do you have a brain freeze? Can't you even notice? Now we're talking. Your tongue's gone. Oh, you idiot. Shit. Did you not realize I'm missing my entire front teeth? The three boys all look at her face when the first time.

You piece of shit. Sorry. You absolute piece of shit. Sorry. You garbage man. I'm bad. I'm sorry. You trash goblin. Excuse me. My teeth are up here. My teeth are up here. Or they were. Oh my God. What happened to your teeth? Where are they? Great fucking

question, Einstein. Well, okay, I mean, what do you want us to do about it? Yeah, this is like for orthodontists or something, Erica. I mean, I could give you some referrals. This is a yes or no question, and you can nod. Are the forces of evil involved?

I'm supposed to know that. Yeah, I don't know if we can help. Yeah. Taylor is like still turned around offering his back. He's like pulled out his phone and it's like, what's future Yelp? Give me another Yelp. It's not real Yelp. It's a... Yowl? Jowl. Jowl. He's on Jowl looking for dentist reviews to be like, well, I'll recommend a really good dentist for her. Well, Fry, my dad is a dentist. We have a really nice house and two...

Two pools. God damn it. Two pools? Yeah. Do you guys like to swim? Because if you can help me, there's a lot of swimming in your future. I fucking love Erica. I've been wanting to do an aquatic routine for Teeny the Teen, but I need the rehearsal space. Norm, you can't swim. I know, but I want to learn. I can't swim, but Teeny the Teen can. He must. Oh, God. We'll do whatever we can to help you. When did you last see your teeth?

Well, it's a few days ago. Jesus. A few days ago. My teeth were here, and then all of a sudden, they just weren't. And oh my God, it's been awful. I've been living like all of you, rejected, a pariah of society. Well, I don't know about that, Erica. I think that my social standing is pretty well secure with me and the cool kids, but you know. What's your name again? Take a D6 of damage. Eww, eww, eww.

Real quick, I'm just gonna roll how much that really shattered fucking Taylor's world. That really sucks. Normal's minus racing is... Full six. Full six. Are you in death saves? I'm at half health now. Good. Erica, now this is very important. Before your teeth disappeared, did you hear a crazy trumpet sound like the one we just heard? Can you play it for me again? Yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah.

It's not the air hornbath. It's the skeleton with the hornbath. We established that, Beth. It's not that, Beth. Yeah, that's the one. That's the one. Motherfucker. I'd recognize it anywhere. That's weird. That's how I heard it. Guys, guys, guys. I think there's more than one villain. No, there's just one.

There's just one. Maybe girls hear things differently than guys do. That would explain a lot. Yanny. Oh, Yanny. I'm sorry. Yanny. Yanny. Barrel. Yeah, I heard her say that. God damn it. Can I try? Hey, this is going to sound weird, but I just, Margarita's finger, I just like re-grew it. Can I try fixing her teeth? Oh, yeah. He's good at growing stuff back. Do you want him to, what do you have to do, like poke her in the mouth? Like, I don't. Maybe I just have to like touch you somewhere. I'll touch you on the shoulder, obviously. Or like maybe on your teeth, where your teeth would be. Open your mouth up with my hand.

Maybe you backed out on my fingers. I know it's weird. I'm just trying to help you. How about a handshake? Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah. You want to shake my hand?

I guess so. I have a really big class president speech coming up in the next few days. It's okay, Erica. We'll cover this. And then Taylor opens up his coat to shield this handshake from view. It's like, God, be careful about your campaign and who you're associating with. Are you the school flasher? No, that's not me. Ew, I heard about you. Hermione Worthy goes, yes, my secret identity is...

They'll never find me out. Herbie Unworthy looks over at Scary and is like, do you think that makes him cool, Scary? Do you think it's cool that he's the foster? Would that be cool or uncool? Quick question for our friend. Oh, now you want my opinion. Yeah, so we should shake hands. Well, from what I've seen, Scary is clearly the most popular of all of you. So I'll take her advice. Scary take a D6 of damage. Yeah.

I take three damage. Okay, cool. She can't help but like Erica now. Yeah, it's devastating. You know, my stomach, it doesn't hurt so much anymore. I guess I've somehow been strong enough to really press through. I'm pretty brave. Bob said, was your stomach upset? Oh, yeah. I think she's, she shake my hand or not. Yeah, no. Yeah, sure. I mean, I could do it. Oh, okay. I could shake your hand. Wait, you can throw fingers back too? No.

Yeah, just do it. Okay. Okay, fine. I'll shake your hand. Just bring back my teeth. Okay. I stare at Erica and I shake her hand. I keep shaking her hand and nothing happens. Yeah, because you've already used your lay on hand. It works like once a day. It's once a day and I can only do it five times. Wait. I do think it has to be near your teeth. I touched her finger. I really think you should bite down on my hand. It seems like it doesn't. I mean, all right. Tell you what, I'll just poke one of your gums.

Okay. Nobody's going to see. Come on. I'm shielding everything from public view. So it's, you know, I guess I'm desperate. Okay. I touch her gum with what in the hell is going on here? Pepperoni Tony sees that you have your hand in Erica's mouth and he goes, what perversions are you enacting upon our valedictorian? It's not what it looks like. Yeah.

I don't care what it looks like. Sir, Sir, Normal Oak here. Hello. We're just trying to grow this young lady's teeth back. We request a little bit of distance and space as this involves special properties that my faith healing friend here has. So if you could just relax for a second, sir. Sir, it's okay. I can handle anything. Riding a horse broke my hymen. Pepperoni Tony immediately turns on his heel and leaves. You don't even have to roll for that.

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We cut to you all in detention. And for some reason, Marguerite is also in detention with you. As you were walking to detention, you turned around and you saw Pepperoni Tony talking to his daughter and being like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he points to detention. So she's there now to him being like, this is bullshit. This is gross. And then she's going through her backpack trying to get something to like dab on her finger. Hey Margie, how's your finger? Oh, let me show you. And she flips you off. I repeat.

I know you did this, you weirdo. You probably gave me this too. And she pulls out a letter from her backpack. It's all crumpled that says, do you like me? And a big box for yes and a big box for no. And it's all crumpled up. And she goes, did you give this to me, you pervert? Because of the dance coming up on Friday? Is that what you wanted? No. And then you somehow did some weird like magician trick with your finger. Everybody knows you're a freak now. You're a weird finger pervert now, by the way. So congratulations on that. Wait a second. Marguerite.

You're making sense here. I got one of those letters too. What? Do you think it's this perv ball gum toucher? Wait, I didn't write anybody a letter. Sent it too? I think he must have. Oh my God, are you trying to play the field? Are you asking a bunch of girls, you little gum touching pervert? Oh my God, you touched my gums, got me into tension, and I find out you sent me this creepy note? What?

I slowly get closer and closer to Scary, the only female friend in this group. I'm like farther and farther away. I reached out and put an arm around Scary and pull her closer to Marguerite and I stay away from her. Okay, it's clear that I'm making you feel really threatening. I was just trying to help. I'm really sorry. Okay, why don't you guys... I'm just going to sit down. No, I'm in detention because I deserve it. So I'm going to sit down right here. Did I get a note?

Did you get a note? Not yet. Dang, brutal. You didn't lose a body part yet. You haven't lost a body part either. She takes out her journal. She's like detained in the darkness once more. Scary cuts off her own fingers. Like, guys, I lost a note. I got a note also. Erica, Margarita, can I take a look at those notes for a handwriting analysis for just one moment, please? Normie and you, I cannot believe it. I cannot believe it. What did I do? I let you hold me from the bottom in a triple.

And these are the kind of people that you can start with? Yeah, but you got the wrong idea. We're all San Dimas high school teens here, okay? We're all trying to figure out what happened to your teeth and her finger. And, you know, if anything, the fact that you and I have done so many cheer routines means you should give me a little bit of trust. Frankly, I feel the same way. I trust you, you know? Boys, let me take care of this. Okay, Erica.

Normally, I would not be anywhere near these like school spirit, you know, sort of thing, which means I wouldn't be near you either. Anyways, anyways, oh, fuck. I'm asking you to trust me.

Can I see your handwriting? It'll make you feel comfortable to look at my handwriting. You can see this is how I would write it. Producing exhibit A. Oh, I have the note that I gave Scary asking if she was going to join the soccer team. Yes, we have, in point of fact, another note. And I snap my fingers at you to give me the note. Okay, Normie, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt on this one. But if there's any funny business, I'm talking to Coach Brown about removing you as a bottom. Boom!

But Teeny the Teen. Teeny the Teen's the base of the pyramid. He's the base of the pyramid. There's no pyramid without Teeny the Teen. We'll see about that. Okay, guys, this really needs to go well, okay? I cannot have this taken from me. Not like sign spinning. Not like capoeira. This one's going to stick. Capoeira. Capoeira.

He's the dance writing. It's so cool, guys. I'm not very good at it, though. Okay, look, I show Link's handwriting and I compare it to the handwriting in the notes. It is not even remotely similar. Okay, so is that good? I don't know. I'm getting really frustrated. Like, I just like, I healed you, Bargy, and then like you, I tried. I'm sorry. I'm not a pervert.

I'd like to investigate the handwriting for clues. Okay. I'd like to just take a closer Sherlock Holmes look. Roll investigation. I got a 13. Okay, so with a 13, you can tell that it was ripped from a booklet of some sort. College ruled or regular ruled? It is not ruled at all. It is a white piece of paper. A white piece of paper. It was torn. It's like one edge. What color? This is very important. What color is the pen?

Does it look like a sparkly gel pen or does it look like a number two pencil? It is a black pen. Are we talking curly letters? Are we talking like, what's the quality of the handwriting? It's slightly serial killer-ish. It's a little like scraggly handwriting. It's got Beverly with an E in it. Oh my God, yes. Beverly Misspell. That's a Jinx reference. Scary, you went to that table. You went to the table, the table of losers. What?

Why did you go there? To investigate who had taken Margarita's finger. What sort of kids were there? Real freakos, I'll tell you what. Were any of them, we all have different opinions of what the horn sounded like, but were any of them- You know you would have a trumpet that could cut someone's thumb off. Scary, can you roll either perception or investigation?

Yeah, 13. Okay, so with 13, you could tell that, yeah, there were band people in the nerdy area where you heard that sound from, for sure. And quick question, how many kids were in that area? In that area, there were about 15 kids. It was teaming with them. It was everywhere. And five of them were in the band. There's a bunch of band guys? Well, yeah, and not like the cool guys that I was asking to be in my band, and not like the band, like my band, Butthole Ricochet. No, like Clarinet. Ha ha ha!

The coolest instrument there is. Wait, you have a band? Yeah, it's kind of like a little bit of this, a little bit of this. It's really punk. We've been working on a few songs. We just finished one called...

the cowboy's acquaintance, but that's like, and then she waits to see what their immediate reaction to the cowboy's acquaintance is. And so Normal just says, so about the marching band, it feels like we should- Oh, my stomach. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Odds are this note came from within the school. And we do have everyone's handwriting. We just need to break into the ledger books and get everyone's homework. And that way we can find the definitive handwriting trace sample. You're on to something, Norm. Well, maybe we start with the band school because it's a trumpet. So, like, that makes sense, right? Is there a stack of permission slips somewhere for the band trip they took last year? Wait a second. I have the solution right here. And Norm rushes over to his backpack and pulls out last year's...

high school yearbook from his freshman year. Oh! Which, because normal is the one who walks between the worlds, the one who walks between cheer team and marching band as the school mascot. He has deep ties in both communities. Every member of the marching band community signed this yearbook and you can see most of them say like, go fuck yourself. Ha ha ha!

You don't have that much. They nothing use. They all drew dicks in there. Hags all the way down. Yeah. Yeah. Have a great day. Just a bunch of have a great summer. It's just a bunch of eggs. Yes. So the note says, do you like me? Oh shit. Hold on.

Wait, none of which has none of the letters. We need to cross-reference the letters. Do you like me? Yes, no. And then the other one says, have a great summer. So you have E, you have A. Well, no, except it just says hags because that's the acronym. So we've got the ads to go on. Why don't we just send out like a pamphlet to everybody that says like, hey, after school, there's free pizza. Do you want it? Write yes or no. And everybody's going to write yes. Either way, we'll get them all to write yes or no. We'll get everybody's, you know, we can compare the yes and no. In the meantime, I would like to do an investigation check on this.

matching the handwriting to the yearbook. Give me a roll. It's going to have to be pretty good considering you only have S to go off. God damn, I got a three. Yeah, no dice. I just plugged do you like me into my anagram machine.

I knew. And the name of the girl is Erica Dribble. The name of the girl was Dookie Mo Oil. Scary. That's amazing. I'm looking for a new campaign manager. But wait, I was your campaign manager. Exactly. Exactly.

Take another d4 of damage. Three damage. I'm down to three. Do you think you'd be up to the challenge? You awaken a lightness in me, Erica, but I prefer to stay in the dark. I understand. I'm going to pass. But... What was that, Taylor? But I don't think that Taylor should do it either. Well, you can move on from me as campaign manager, but I think, Norm, you are on to something. Erica, you are by far the coolest and most popular girl in school. We'll say that you had to leave lunch today because...

because of injuries. And we'll send around a card for a Get Well Soon poster, and now everyone will sign it. And then we can use that to compare the handwriting that we have here from this note. Hell yeah. Let's beat up Erica. What?

I mean, I guess that's a good idea. But the only problem is if anybody finds out about my teeth, my popularity is going to plummet. Well, what's the most popular injury you can have? Look, Erica, I will make you feel better, and I already feel bad about, like, touching your gum.

Why don't we just get a piece of paper and give this to the 12, the varsity team and write a piece of paper that says, is Lincoln a perv? And then you write your name and you write yes or no. And he said it around the school and everybody will write yes or no on it. And we can settle this once and for all. But most importantly, we'll figure out whose handwriting it is. That is an amazing.

I feel like that's a good one. Okay, great. In the meantime, I go to the chiclets dispenser at school. Yes, yes. You go to the sponsored chiclets vending machine. No, no, no. There's that one kid who is running like a bootleg shop out of his locker, right? That's Dickey Moe.

oil. Dookie Mo oil. Dookie's three kids. It's like Ed, Edd, and Eddie. I'm Dookie. I'm Mo, and I'm oil. What do you want? You want chiclets? I go to Mo, who's the chiclets connection of Dookie Mo and oil, and I ask him for two of the whitest chiclets he has. What? You don't want any flavors? No cinnamon? No peppermint? What are you, a virgin? Yes, I'm a virgin. I want white chiclets because I'm a virgin. Dookie, get a load of this virgin. Uh,

So Mo gives you two chiclets. And then I say, Erica, here. Whoa, whoa, whoa, we haven't talked. Pay me. Listen, Mo, do you have any idea how much juice I have with the student council? I could get this whole operation shut down tomorrow. So how about you just kick the chiclets over and I look the other way? Roll intimidation.

16. Mo goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't need to bring the fuzz into this. Oil, oil. What was I saying again? And oil goes, what you were saying was, let's just be smooth and cool and let this one go. Let it just stay on its slate, right? I'm oil, the slick one. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. All right. Yeah, those chiclets...

They're on the house. They're a gift from me. Just remember the favor that me, Moe, did for you. And Doogie goes, Doogie. All right, now back to your scene. Okay, I hand Erica the two chiclets. I say, now these are just temporary. This is just in case you need to flash your iconic Erica smile to inspire the team before the big game, and we will get your normal teeth, and then until then, maybe...

I've got it. You're taking a vow of silence until girls' field hockey goes all the way to state finals. Actually, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. Erica takes the chiclets and she wedges them up into her little gummy ruts. Oh, no. And then she turns and she... Did somebody say my name? Said gummy ruts. Get out of here, gummy. No. She flashes you all a...

$3 smile. That's great. Very underpinked smile. How does it look? It's so good. You look amazing. Really? Minty fresh. Yeah. Looks like two chiclets in your mouth, honestly. It's really good. What? I'm just being honest with you. I guess it's helping with my speech a little bit. Well, there you go. Yeah.

Wow. Crazy how much of your speech goes through your two front teeth. Okay, so while you were doing all the checklists and stuff, I'm assuming Link, you secretly managed to disperse the is Link a pervert? Well, we should probably start with you all. It'd be really helpful if you wrote no instead of yes on this, but like... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is each person going to write on this is Link a pervert? Is Link a pervert? And then in order to start a rant, it says that you write your name and then you write yes or no. It starts with Link and then he writes no.

And then I hand it to normal. Here you go. Just write your name and write yes or no. Normal writes, no, he's a really cool guy, actually, exclamation mark. Taking up two lines. Thanks. Scary writes, no. And we have to put our real names on this? Taylor writes, no, but then puts in a different name. And then, Erica, if you do, they'll really give this whole sheet of paper the credit it needs to go around the school. John Hancock.

I write in a third column of maybe, and then I pull a portable laminator out of my bag, and then I laminate it on the fly. Oh, my God. What color gel pen did you deploy? Pink. Oh, yeah. Great.

It's basically in the future, all technology stops being your smartphone for everything. It just goes back to like, you've got an anagram generator. It's like in Battlestar Galactica, how like the future paper is just with the corners. Well, it's because all the NFT monkeys became self-aware and they had to like go to more low tech means to keep things away from them. So if you just send this to the varsity team, they'll definitely just get it going. I'm also texting my dad, Marco, be like, dad, you might hear some things about this.

Don't believe it. I love you. Taylor goes like, I got it in with those kids. I'll take that. And I'll grab it. I'll grab the paper. I forgot the varsity soccer team loves the anime kids. Don't worry. In the meantime, if this thing goes south, you and I can, we can generate a nice statement for you. Okay. If this was a show, the camera would stay with the remaining four people and you see Taylor leave screen and then way in the distance off camera, you're like,

12 times. And I hand it to him and I go like, get this as many people as you can. I want everyone's signature by the end of the day. We're going to ruin Lincoln's social life. That is essentially the Hutt Sucker proxy montage, but instead of the hula hoop, it's just this piece of paper and everybody's like signing it. Have you heard the stoop? A lot of people picking up it and going, and then nodding and then writing yes and writing the name and then, yeah. Whispers in the lunchroom, who is the kid? He's the kid that touched that girl's gums. Yeah, people, what do you think? It's the gum boy. He's the one who peed on the teacher. He's the one who peed on the teacher. The gum toucher proxy.

Guys I got it stop the presses principal pepperoni catch wind of this campaign. Yes, he does And he goes

and he writes yes and writes pepperoni Tony on it. That's the one that's going to hurt the most. He comes to dinner. He knows me. What I think is great about this is that the school newspaper functions essentially as a tabloid. Yeah. Yeah. The idea of having school tabloids. Insane. What's it called? What's our school tabloid called?

Newsies the musical. Tabloid. Tabloid. It works really fast because they publish it digitally. It's just a Twitter account. On all of your anagram generators you get an update. Which is a picture of Lincoln shrugging like...

Is this boy a pervert? It says, gum touch or piss foot, pervert? And then there's also a picture in the Newsies the Musical article that has a picture of the pole itself, and you can see all the signatures and everything. So why doesn't everybody roll investigation or perception?

I'm not going to roll. I'm actually just rolling knowledge to see if I can count what the actual success is. Yeah, what the breakdown was. I have from my go bag one of those magnifying glasses that used to start fires. Okay. It's like a magnifying glass so I can examine closer. So I light it on fire. Are you looking at the handwriting? I'm looking at the handwriting. Okay.

I got 13. You got a 13? Do I get a sense of what the percentages are? With a 13, you can definitely tell that the majority of the votes are in favor of yes, you are a pervert. But because of the 13, you can also tell that a lot of these people don't even know you and just think it's kind of funny to write yes to a question like that. Like no is obviously not the funnier answer. So of the people that know you, majority of them have said no. Not all of them. The newspaper put out their own skewed push poll that is just is Gumtucker Bizfoot a pervert?

Erica feels bad. So she leans over to you and says, you can count the maybe as a no. Wow. It's the only maybe also everybody else is pretty sure.

And I get 22. All right. So with your 22, you can see that a band member named Abe, he just put his first name down. He writes yes. And it is an almost perfect match for the notes that both Erica and Margarita received. Killed them all, of course. And did the same S symbol for his S in both answers. You know from looking at your yearbook normal that he is in band and he plays the trumpet. Abe, G-O-U-L. Abe Gould.

Abe Gould. Man. Abe Gould. This is our guy, I think. Right? Yeah. Sounds like a dick too. Sounds like we should give Abe a little visit to see what he did with your teeth. And your finger. What if it's an anagram? Yeah.

What if he's not really Abe Gould? Let me log it. I mean, there's a student named Abe Gould. Yeah, it's his name. No, Eric, I don't want to discount. Maybe there's another kid that is the anagram of Abe Gould, though. Abel what? Abel Hugo. Is there Abel Hugo in the school? No. Damn, it must be Abe Gould. Well, hurry, because my teeth are starting to melt. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.

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See store for details. The door kicks open and Pepperoni Tony comes in and is like, you're staying in detention for a long time, you pervert, pissfoot, gum-toucher. Margarita, you're out, obviously. I don't even know why I put you in detention. I'm sorry. It was a lapse in judgment. But you five. What about me? I'm very disappointed in you for hanging out with these perverts. You were going to be class valedictorian. Well, I guess you are class valedictorian. I can't take that away from you. Hey, Tony.

I'm the only pervert here. Don't say that about my friends. Okay, so you want to just you stay and then everybody else goes? Yeah, I mean, I probably, that makes sense. Hey, Baroni Tony, look, I know that you and I have not always seen eye to eye vis-a-vis the budget for the mascot outfit and for the cheer team and my various initiatives to clean graffiti and improve the school and I don't respect you at all and I think you're bad and a bad influence on everything, but

I do acknowledge that you're in a position of authority and I think you'd be interested in this. And I show him the evidence we found about the notes. Roll persuasion with disadvantage. Because the evidence is we heard a trumpet and this kid wrote a note to a girl. We heard a trumpet and this kid wrote a note to them. I got a natural one. Okay. So he says, okay, both of you are staying. Everybody else can go.

And he sits down and is not asleep and is the detention officer who is going to look over. So he allows Erica, Scary, and Taylor to leave and just stares you two remaining, Normal and Lincoln, down. And he goes, you're going to sit out the rest of the day in detention and you're not going to be perverts. I cast blindness on... Okay, great. On...

Pepperoni Tony. Okay. Make a constitution saving throw. If it fails, the target is blinded or deafened. Your choice for the duration. At the end of each of its turns, the target can make a constitution saving throw on a success. The spell ends. He got a natural one for his constitution saving throw. So immediately he is blinded and he goes, what the hell? You see nothing, Tony. Okay.

Okay, guys. All right, let's go. Let's go. Let's get out of here. What's going on? Hey, hey. Is this allowed? Yes, it is. Let's get out of here. I'm going to close the door behind us. As we leave, I leave behind my phone and press play on one of the many voice memos I've left of me workshopping new cheer ideas. So he thinks that I'm still in the room and just thinking up cheers. And then all of a sudden your mom comes in the recording and is like, honey, hey, it's dinner time.

Oh, no. My plumber's blown. My normal mom is here. I was dying to tell her.

Get yourself together, Tony. My wife's not the only one who gets in text messages. It's time to get revenge on my wife. He spits in his palm and like slicks back his hair. So where are you going to go now? You have the one guy who was on the lookout for you is now trapped and blind inside the detention room. So you have your run of the school. I think we should go find Abe Vigoda. Let's find Abe. Does anyone have class with Abe? I mean, we can just go to the band room. Let's go to the band room. Somebody just give me a straight D20 roll just for luck.

Natural 20. Natural 20? Wow. Fuck, okay. So with a natural 20, you've come in during...

What is both the private time? Literally, yes. The free period for the band room where nobody's using it and Abe Gould's free period, his study period, essentially. So you can do whatever he wants. So as you approach the band room, the band room, like all of the main buildings in this school, is a portable building, which is to say that basically it's supposed to be temporary, but because the school was poor, it's just like, oh, it's permanent now. So the actual campus of this high school is mostly outdoors and you just go from portable to portable. So the band room has its own portable unto itself.

and there are a couple of different entrances into that portal. You feel something change in the air. There's an energy, there's an electricity. You feel the sauce coming from the band room. Something is awry. And the lights in the band room are dark and you hear one, two, three, four, five.

Careful. Someone's fucking around with 5-4 time in there. Uh-oh. It's the marching band's curse. The cursed time signature. There was a 12-trombone pileup at last year's marching band regional challenge because of a 5-4 time signature goof-up. It was a disaster. Before we go in there, and we're going in loaded for bear, right? Loaded for what?

Oh, whatever. I'm going to cast Thaumaturgy. Okay. I don't think we go into the front door. I think we go check the windows. So with your natural 20, I'm going to say you don't even have to roll stealth for this. He's just obsessed with what he's doing. So go ahead and roll perception. 16 plus four. Wow. Okay. So you can perceive that there are four piles of something in a sort of a pentagram kind of arrangement. And there's one empty spot. You can see a single finger.

You can see a couple of teeth. You can see a lock of hair. And you can see some fingernails. Uh-oh. He's walking around them saying, one, two, three, four, five. And as he gets to five, he's getting frustrated. And this guy wrote, I'm a pervert. This takes one to know him, I guess. Erica, are those your teeth? Can you tell from here? I recognize them anywhere. I don't even know them.

We have to hurry. I think this might be some sort of weird science situation going on. I think he's trying to create a dance girlfriend or something. Let's get in there. I think the move is simultaneous entry for multiple entry points. I'll take the secret door that only the popular kids are made aware of. Wait, what? What?

It's like those apartment buildings in cities that have like the entrance for the rich people. The VIP entrance. The VIP entrance. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Yeah, so then Erica disappears off to her entrance. Okay, great. Where'd she go? You literally can't see if you're not popular.

Can I cast Divine Sense? Sure, what does that do? I can detect good and evil. I just want to know if they're evil. You can definitely detect that this person is evil. Really mad person is chaotic evil. Look, the level one spells for clerics and paladins are like, is there a thing there? Okay. Tell me. The world's a little more gray than your animes, okay? It's not just good and evil. We just killed people last time. I just wanted to double check. Maybe the animes you want.

I just want to double check. I just want to know what we're getting into. So anyways, it's very evil in there. It's bad. Also, I'm so sorry. I didn't mention this, but when he's walking around going one, two, three, four, five, he's holding a trumpet in his right hand. What does it sound like? He's not playing it, but he is holding it. Wait, the trumpet. I point at the trumpet and it makes that sound. I point at the trumpet. I'm like, wait, that was the trumpet we heard, right? That was the trumpet they heard. I'll bust in through the window. I'll do the second window. Okay, we're out the windows. Link, you take the emergency exit. Okay.

And I run around the school in order to get to the emergency exit of this building. Okay, so it sounds like we're going into initiative and that you're all going to get a surprise round. So why doesn't everybody roll initiative? And that'll determine the order that you start. And then he'll go at the very end. Fourteen. Five. Five initiative. I got a sixteen. I got a one plus two. That's three. Okay. Taylor, go first. All right. So Taylor.

Making entry through the windows. Like you open it or you shatter them? I have thaumaturgy. I'm going to throw thaumaturgy to just open things up. Oh, that's cool. The window flies open as I do like a parkour kong. Do you know what those are? No. It's like when you do like you leap over a thing. So a kong is when you jump and you put both of your hands on it like a cat.

And then you leap off of the ledge into the thing. So like a video game where I'm like getting over my cover? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I do a fucking, just the dopest pose. I do like a roll. Sounds like an acrobatic roll. Yeah, that's definitely an acrobatic check. I know. Let me just continue describing. You're really calling your shot here with how well this goes. First you roll and then you see how well it does. No, no, no. First I roll, then I roll. You know what I'm saying?

Psychopath. The plan is to Kong into a forward shoulder roll. And as I do so, I draw my sword cane out. Oh, God. Okay. Make your acrobatics roll. Uh-oh.

three plus one four all right you eat shit so do you impale yourself on your sword cane that's the real natural one he would have but no he just he's gonna eat shit you're not prone after you try to kong in by the way i didn't draw the sword out that's what it is it's the sword games got stuck on the way through my timing off yes so you were inside the room you were not within melee distance of abe and you just ate shit and you're knocked prone uh is there anything you can do while you're down there you know in samurai movies when they like

use their thumb and they just flick open their sword and you just see the blade a little bit. I do that. Okay, great. Athletics roll. Athletics roll. Sum roll. I'm going to do sum roll.

If you don't get a natural one, you won't cut yourself. You cut your thumb. Sleight of hand. Yeah, sleight of hand, just don't get a natural one. 15 plus one. It makes a cool shing. Pretty cool. And the sun hits it just right and it blinds you. Halfway across the world, your arch rival turns over his shoulders like it's begun. An ill-invited. It's still tasted air. Normal. Normal opens the door and walks in and says, Hey, what's going on, man?

between worlds. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

And he goes, oh, normal. What are you doing here? What are you doing? What's all this stuff? What do you got? What's with the teeth, man? Get out of here. Get out of here. No. Okay. He starts lifting the trumpet to his lips. Oh, I have the wand of wonder from last time. All right. I'm going to just wave the wand of wonder at him and see what happens. Remind listeners. It's basically a wand that has seven charges. You cast it and it does a random effect. It's like the beans. Okay. It's a little bit like it's a big fat D100 roll. Okay. So yes, I'm going to cast my wand of wonder.

So I rolled a 28, which on the chart means... I'm sorry, guys, I cast Stinking Cloud. Just like an oak. Of course, that's such an oak move. That's what I said, 26 to 30, you cast Stinking Cloud. So what does that do? This is a third-level conjuration, a 20-foot radius sphere centered on a point within range, which would be Pagoda. You create a 20-foot sphere of yellow, nauseating gas surrounding a point within range.

The cloud spreads around corners and its areas heavily obscured. Each creature that is completely within the cloud at the start of its turn must make a constitution saving throw against poison. On a failed throw, the creature spends its action that turn retching and reeling. Creatures that don't need to breathe are immune to poison. It's in a moderate wind will disperse the cloud after four rounds. So at the start of his turn, he will have to save to make sure he's not nauseated.

Norm was like, oh, oh, all right. Well, yeah, just cut it out. Get out of here. Okay, it is Erica's turn. Is Erica affected by the stench? She smells fantastic. When you head in, you will see the stench and you can choose to move into it or not move into it. I think 30 feet is not enough to automatically hit you in the popular kid's entrance. Okay, yeah. She doesn't use deodorant, right? No, she doesn't need to. She doesn't need to. She has an aura that actually dispels bad scents.

Erica enters the room from where we're not sure. But everything goes slow motion like in fucking Can't Hardly Wait when Jennifer Love Hewitt comes down the stairs. Yes. And despite her just slack-jawed appearance, she still looks radiant. She pulls from her bag a horseshoe. Oh. Whoa. Okay. And she poises as if to throw the horseshoe. Ooh, an eight. Then it hits, but because you didn't beat his AC, you only do half damage. So 1d4. Okay.

Three. That's how it's done. That's how it's fucking done. So the horseshoe hits him in the shoulder and it goes and it does exactly three damage to him which is like not a whole lot but enough to piss him off. Do you want to do anything else on your turn, Erika?

Look at you, little pervert. There's more where that came from. Yeah, berate him. Berate him. Give me back my teeth. She reveals three other horseshoes. But where's the horse? And he goes, no, they're mine now. You didn't need them and you didn't deserve them. Just like you don't deserve me. Ugh. Ugh.

I mean, none of us deserve this. I mean, yeah, you're kind of right. Oh, yeah, but like, fuck off. All right, Link, it's your turn. So Link blasts through the emergency exit door. What's the thing, the trumpets, the balloon, the ball in front of the... A mute. A mute? It's kind of like a ball, right? I mean, are you doing like, there's the plunger mute, there's like a silver mute, there's a cup mute. What's the closest thing to a soccer ball?

Just the regular mute. He sees it right away and he goes, no handballs today, bitch. I'm going to kick the mute into the trumpet. It's just like aiming for the corner of a goal. You know what I'm saying? Give me a dexterity check with disadvantage. Okay. Disadvantage. The first one, 16 plus three, 19. Okay. Oh, the long pause just tells us everything. Fucking natural one. So you kick, I just kick a desk.

No. Very hard. You kick the mute up into your own fucking face. You kick it in your open mouth. It goes straight into your mouth and now when you talk, it's like... Yeah, so roll a d6 of damage. That's how much damage it does to your face and pride. I got a strong kick. That's a five. So you take five damage as you mute yourself and you're not going to be able to talk unless you... Are you in death saves? I'm not in death saves, but that's about half my health. Scarion, it is your turn. My plan is to hop in and then...

across his little shrine on the floor because I feel like that would disrupt it or whatever. Oh, you're going to slide and try to kick everything aside? Yeah. Okay, slide tackle. A dirty slide tackle. A dirty slide tackle. Okay. And then I'm also just going to have my knife on me in case anything comes up. Okay, go ahead and make me either an athletics or an acrobatics check to slide into that stuff and fuck it up. Okay.

I got a natural 20 and I have plus four acrobatics. Wow. Okay, so you get to determine what that means. What do you think happens with your natural 20? I slit his throat. Okay, I take it back. I take it back.

In regards to sliding and tackling these four items on the ground, what do you think happens? I just look like really cool. Okay. So you successfully managed to kick everything aside. Did you kick her teeth back into her mouth? Yes. Okay, great. That's good math. Damn math. The stinking cloud doesn't affect you. And yes. Yes, you slide under the stinking cloud. Oh, it's like when the slow-mo axe flies over someone's face in an action movie.

Yeah. One of her hairs goes into the cloud and it sizzles like a acid. You slide under the cloud. You slide tackle all of the assorted bits of woman across the floor out of the formation that he put them in. Bits of woman. That's going to be my new single.

You just got the title for your next poetry book, I think. It's a woman. You're cross-post with Mitt Romney. Abe looks and sees the pieces scattered and goes, no! What are you doing? It becomes his turn. I'm going to roll to see if he saves from stinking cloud. He does, and he goes, oh, I collect pieces of women. You think I'm not used to some weird smells? I'm disgusting. No, not from women, because I'm disgusting. I don't shower. Okay. It's a me being gross thing. Don't worry about it. Got it, got it. And he goes...

One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five. And he points at the hair and he goes, a little bit of Monica. And he points at the teeth, a little bit of Erica. A little bit of Rita was all I needed. A little bit of Tina was all I see'd.

A little bit of Sandra the Sun. And then your anagram device in your pocket goes, alert, alert, you misspelled Abe Gould. They didn't have an H in it. Reconfiguring. Lou Bega. No! And he goes, and he goes, he said, Lou, Jessica, here I am. And he points at Yusuke, and he goes, a little bit of you makes me your man. And he puts the trumpet to his mouth, and he goes, the trumpet! No! No! No!

And he blows into the trumpet and he disappears. And there's a pop. Just like Glupiga, he vanishes from sight. So everybody roll perception or investigation. I got 18. 18. Seven. I'm still reeling from taking my... I'm still really annoyed that I didn't do my cool. I got a seven as well. 14. Erica and Scary, you hear the trumpet and then you hear a pop.

Scary specifically with your 18, you can tell that that pop is from the sound of air very suddenly rushing into a space that is lacking air, like a vacuum was just created there and the air went back in and that's what made that pop. And with your 13 and your 18, both of you can hear that he is outside the building now trying to run away. Hey, that perv is

He's outside. Did he get the teeth? Did he take the stuff with him? No, he's just running. Oh, okay. All right. Well, we got the teeth back. That's the important thing, right? Is it? Erica, I have your teeth right here. And I'm like. No, she kicked them into her mouth. Yeah, she's already had his teeth in her mouth. Yeah. Whose teeth are those? What the hell is this? Oh my God. Do you just go around collecting women's teeth? No.

No, no, no. You're as bad as him. No, Erica. No, that's not what, that's not at all what's happening. You got a lot of explaining to do, buddy. Is combat still going? Combat is still going. So it's Freddy and then Will. Well, I tried giving back Erica's teeth, but it turns out that teeth are in that head. Turn complete. Turn complete. Everybody stand back. I'm going to try to fire this thing off one more time. And I aim the wand at Lubega as he's running away. Okay. And we'll do another dice roll. I can't believe you got us with this one, Eric.

It was almost stinking cloud again. I'm not joking. Oh, okay. I cast detect thoughts on the target you chose. Let's not. I hear what's going on in Lubega's head. Take a d12 of psychic damage. Ha ha ha!

I guess he's like a monster guy now, right? He's got the sauce. So you take a lot of psychic damage because inside his head, you have to deal with simultaneously the horribly catchy song Mambo No. 5, his incredibly gross womanizing thoughts. Mambo No. 5, parenthetical, a little bit of, dot, dot, dot.

Damn it. Was that the full name of the song? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know that. That's great. Give it the full name. I have to ask, is it a little bit of or is it a little bit of? A little bit of. Okay. All right. That's okay. That's something. Okay. You hear the song. You hear his horrible womanizing, gross thoughts. And you were correct as you came in. He was trying to make a girlfriend for himself to go to the dance with. A perfect girlfriend. Out of the pieces. A perfect girlfriend who already exists and her name is Erica of the Drippins. You also feel the poke of the dude. Like somebody was urging him towards these thoughts. Some horrible, chaotic moment.

being was urging him to take these thoughts further and further and do the horrible thing that he did with this magic. Something was giving him that information and that magic and you know that it is probably the nefarious power of either the doodler or one of his acolytes. So that knowledge beaming directly in your head causes you to take a d12 of psychic damage. Okay, so I take six damage. I'm bloodied so my nose starts bleeding and...

I jump up and down and move it all around. I shake my head to an eldritch sound. I put my hand on the ground and take one step left and one step right. One to the front and one to the side. That's all your movement right there. Yeah, that's all your movement. And that's all my move action. So next turn, I will clap my hand once and clap it twice. And if it looks like that, then I'm doing it right. Does he also maybe hear, is he like thinking about where he's running to? Yeah, he's thinking. Yeah, do me a solid. Yes, sorry. He is thinking he's going to run. He's going to run home essentially and figure things out.

He goes, as long as I've got this trumpet, you can feel the way the trumpet works. Basically, as long as he can hold a note in it, time stops around him. The way he was taking all the fingers and everything. He stopped time and ripped her teeth out? Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. So that's what he did. Stunned silence from the moon. So now it is Erica's turn.

make for the popular kids door because I'm going to try to get out and chase them. Okay, cool. And you run through the snack room and the extra bathroom. And a horse is just there waiting. Yeah, there's a horse waiting for you. There's a beautiful white stallion. Do you stop at the stables? Because if so, you'll be able to catch him in one turn. He has been my friend through many dangers. I do. Okay, so yeah, your horse is in the stable. You can catch up to him in one turn.

You can catch up to him in one turn if you mount the horse. But your horse will now be in some sort of danger, potentially. Oh, jeez. Well, you know what they say, you know, a ship in the harbors. Yeah. Yes, that is what they say, Frederick. A ship in the harbors. What do they say? Red skies at night, horses delight. That's what they say about horses, the ships in the harbor. Fair horse and following seas. One horse if by land.

I take the popular kid passage to the stables, which also the regular kids cannot see the stables. And I mount my horse. And then I say, run, fax shadow. And I pull out another horseshoe because I'm going to try to bean him. Make an attack roll. 11. So an 11 will hit him. I am now rolling my 2d4 of damage. I got

I got a six. Okay, so he stumbles as you appear behind him with a horse. He goes, oh no, it's the most beautiful horse and the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Oh no, what am I going to do? Lincoln, it is your turn. Lincoln, as he ran and Scary yelled that he was running, Lincoln just starts sprinting after him. Yeah, he's got them legs. Yeah, he's got them soccer legs. He's tall. He's 6'3", so he's got big stride.

And he stumbled, right? He did stumble. So you make it up to him. I just pin him to the ground. Make a strength check. Kick his trumpet away. 15. Oh, that's a good idea. Take his weapon and then take his weapon. Oh, wait. No, 15. Oh, my God. 16. Oh, my God. That's a trumpet. A Sin City reference? In 2022? In this economy? In this economy?

So you got a what now? 16. Okay, so with a 16. Yeah, I want to run. I want to kick the trumpet away from him and then just collapse on him. You do one of those things. I'll kick the trumpet away from him as far as I can. Cool. You do a running kick and you expertly that trumpet right out of his hands and it clatters to the ground and starts to slide across the pavement. And he goes, no, my whole thing. Oh, it fell in. No, it's ahead of him. And

And Scary has a turn to do something before Abe can try to... Oh, no, the trumpet acid. Yeah, a couple of kids are coming from the science lab with a big tub that says trumpet acid on it. Oh, the new construction yard is going to fall down the pit. They drop it, and the trumpet acid starts slowly spreading towards the trumpet. And so Abe has one turn to get to his trumpet before the acid gets to it. Scary, your turn is next. Okay, for my turn, I'm going to put the trumpet in the trumpet acid. The trumpet acid is falling.

Far away from you. You'd have to sprint. I'm going to sprint. You can reach him. You can't reach the trumpet physically. Could she throw the trumpet at the trumpet? Okay, that's something. Go ahead and roll the slit as Achilles. Oh.

How did he go from the trumpet to trumpet to slice of continues? Fuck, I got a five. Okay, so with a five, you do a little bit of damage. You're going to do 1d4 of damage to him. I do a little bit. A little bit of damage to his butt. A little bit of tendon gonna cut. All right, so you did three damage. So he is, he looks...

fucked up. Like you hit him on the butt and like it bleeds way more than it should. He's like, oh God, oh no. But he hasn't fallen over. And on his turn, he's going to run and he's going to try to do an acrobatics roll to dive and see if he can grab the trumpet before the trumpet acid hits it. What if he does that like Charlie Chaplin thing where he goes to grab the hat, but he kicks

That's always funny. He would if he hadn't gotten a 19. God damn it. So he grabs the trumpet and he goes, the trumpet! And he puts it in his mouth and he blares into it and suddenly...

Your horse, its front two legs, their tendons get sliced. Oh my God. And it tips forward and its head hits the ground and you get thrown off of the horse. Wait, do I land face first? You go ahead and roll acrobatics. To break your teeth again? Or yeah, but it could be a cheer front handspring. A seven. Okay, so with a seven, yeah, you land onto your head, onto your face. So go ahead, take a D6 of damage. Oh.

Can I do like a dexterity response? Depending on how far she's flying through the air. Oh, yeah. Can I try to catch her or stop her from hitting her head? Okay, sure. Go ahead and make an acrobatics or an athletics check. Yeah. Okay, well, I got a seven. Okay, so yeah, you almost grab her. So you're really close when she falls and hits the ground. She's like, why am I touching her gums again? I kick you in the gums. Yeah, on the way down, you kick her in the gums. So now your foot has been in her mouth too. I've been trying to give you the benefit of the doubt on this. Okay.

I rolled a four. Okay, so you take four damage and you see Abe reappear actually pretty close to you. So he's within range of all of you now and he's breathing too hard. He's like, oh fuck, my breath is, if I could hold that note for longer, shit. He's still in range of everybody. I'm assuming that Trumpet Acid

more than just trumpets, right? No, no, no. It's just for trumpets. It's very particular acid. If it wasn't that, they would call it just acid. It would have said acid on the tub, but they have a tub specifically of trumpet dissolving acid. Don't get me wrong. You can fuck up a trombone, but... Yeah, yeah, the whole brass section. I'm just saying that if somebody told me that they fell into a vat of trumpet acid, I would be like, are you okay? Yeah, and they would be like, oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Oh, okay. Battery acid does more damage than just batteries. Batteries, yeah. Battery acid is not for dissolving batteries. Battery acid is what powers the batteries. Do not drink the trumpet acid. Battery acid is for making villains. Yeah, if you fall into the acid, you'll come back as Trump of a man. It'll be the killing joke origin story for you. Wow. And it goes, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. All right, Freddie, it is your turn. So I'm now here, and I'm going to slow walk towards an out-of-breath Abe.

And I'm going to be like, taste my Hanzo steel. Okay. And I'm going to draw my sword cane and then single expert Zato Ichi ass move and try and like slice the trumpet. Okay, cool. Just give me an attack roll. Natural. A fucking 20. Wow.

Which means not only do I cry, I also get to put it back in one fell swoop and then nothing changes and then you just hear it. And then, you know what I'm saying? It's so fast. You're like, oh my God, did he just cut his own trombone? I just got a reason. Yeah, actually, nobody even saw you unsheathe your sword. Nobody would believe that you did. Here's what you saw. Here's what you, here's what everyone else saw. They just saw my hand at the hilt of my cane sword and they just came out and back in. Just like, and then,

a line shows up on the trumpet and it slides and slides away how ironic his trumpet exploded scary did you cut the trumpet when you sliced it no I guess I must have done it when I casted that wizard spell it must have been another thing that my staff did my hat's covering my eyes and I hear everyone else saying crap for it and then just I get a little smirk and I go

He did. That's very good. That's cool. That's cool. He doesn't see credit. That's cool. Sorry, everyone. The second he destroys Trumpet Abe, he just screams, no!

And black tendrils begin to like bleed from his eyes down his face. He goes, ah! And he's shaking his head. He's just like thrashing around on the ground in anger and anger and anger. And he finally just collapses and stops moving. And you're out of combat. And he's still breathing. But he's furious. And this item that could have been extremely useful to you is now destroyed.

Oh, shit, that would have been a glad half-frizzing time. Yeah, this time-stopping item I was going to give you is now completely destroyed, and you can see it melt into black. Who cares? We're teenagers. There's no such thing as time. Fax Shadow lies dying on the ground. Yeah, Fax Shadow, his legs are fucked up, and he's on the ground. Somebody call a vet! I say, stand back! Normal steps up to the horse and casts Cure Wounds on the horse. Oh, great. Your teammate Taylor's sitting here at 3 out of 12 health, but sure, go hit the horse. Fax Shadow gets back up to its feet, grateful, and as is...

Does he bow? He does a bow to you specifically. You hear harp music. Yeah, you've been blessed. Some of your psychic damage is healed by knowing that a horse loves you and respects you, which is all any of us could really ask for. This horse truly loves this school. That is why the school spirit was able to heal it.

I bow to you, Fax Shadow. That's its name, right? He bows and he nods a little bit, too. He recognizes. Man, I wish that we had an episode where we could just be horses. I'm pretty good at horse noises, too. Call me. Yeah, let's call you.

You should just do a horse girl podcast. Elise and I are going to have our own podcast. Yeah, I was going to say, let's make a horse girl podcast. Horse girls. Your ID badges vibrate. May Hale shows up and she says, it looks like you fixed the incursion. Okay, cool. Great. Good job. What should we do with Ape here? He's like, he got all like weird tendrily and he's...

crying on the floor. Abe, you good, buddy? Not bad. He's evil. He's unconscious. Maybe just put him in storage with some of the old instruments. Yeah, can we put him in one of those cells? I feel it's illegal. May says, I mean, we've got a bunch of free cells if you want to. Yeah, let's do that. Is he still going to be evil when he wakes up? Or did it go out of him? Do we have to tell his parents? You're the bosses. These are questions for you to answer. I don't know. I cast my detect magic spell on him.

So you can tell that there is a little bit of lawful evil still inside of him. Not enough to be sure that when he wakes up, he's going to want to start collecting parts of women again, but certainly if he's not taking care of in the right way, that toxicity collecting parts of women is lawful evil. Uh,

I would say so. His law is that he's entitled to parts of women. He's not chaotic. He's not doing it randomly. I get it. How evil was this kid before the doodler took over him? Does this seem like background level for Abe or is this like... You get the sense from this that the doodler can't connect to somebody unless they're already heading down kind of a fucked up path that the doodler can latch onto and make a thousand times worse. Oh, that's interesting. He probably wouldn't have been going around collecting parts of women, but he was definitely gonna be like, not a cool boyfriend.

He was going to be like a creepy dude. That was going to be the worst part. What about

Oh, did she get them knocked out again? Is there an orthodontist in the house? Well, her parents are, right? Oh, yeah. My teeth got knocked out when I flew. Let's get in the minivan, Scary. Let's bring you to your parents so that they can fix your teeth. And we should probably bring Abe to his parents. And we'll sit down and explain to, what's his last name? Ghoul. Ghoul will explain to his parents what he did. And, you know, we'll let them take care of it. Yeah, it seems like people really don't, like,

listen to us when we say the crazy stuff that happened. Okay, well, we're not going to kidnap a kid. That's true. That also feels rowdy. I'm a little lost on what to do with this kid right now. Well, there is a secret dungeon in the school that only the popular kids know. Motherfucker! No, but we have a secret dungeon too. A lot of people got secret dungeons. We got a secret dungeon too. I just think we should give them back to his parents. Abe Gould starts thrashing around on the ground.

And he goes, the dance, the dance. You have to stop it. It's happening. Yes. The dance. The bigger problem is who's going to go to the dance with me when my teeth are like this? And then Taylor, and then Taylor docks his poor pie hat up and he goes, m'lady. Oh,

All our days whisked away, but is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. You should tell myself it'll be a lie, set me asleep at night. I know that no one knows me better. I saw this right, it's just a matter of time till we make. We gotta pick ourselves up and say not today, no not today.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlowe. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Taylor Swift. Special guest this week, Elyse Willems, who played Erica Dribbins. Elyse, what are you up to? Where can people find you? You can find me hanging with my friends at Dungeons and Daddies.

Yeah. Or you can find me on Funhaus and Rooster Teeth every day. And you can also find me now appearing in Kolok, the new RPG from Hyper RPG. How do you spell that? K-O-L-L-O-K. You can watch it on Twitch at Fear HQ. We're also going to be doing more RPG stuff at Funhaus too. That's cool. Thank you all so much for having me. I love doing stuff with all of you.

Oh, I love you, Elise. I love you, too. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. It's available on his band, Can't Pay What You Want. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks this week to our Patreon supporters. We thank them every week. But this week, I'm specifically thanking Chris Herrod, Trevor R., Garrett, Pip Price,

And that's not all. There is a mountain of bonus content, bonus one-shots.

videos we have a discord community you could also get anthony's dm notes listen to uncut episodes we put a lot of effort in making sure that the juice from our patreon is worth that squeeze so if you want more daddy's content you can have it all at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads our merch is store.dungeonsanddaddies.com the deck of many things is still in stock for how long who knows head on over there store.dungeonsanddaddies.com we got enamel pins you got t-shirts we

All kinds of good stuff. Website, dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our Twitter, Dungeons and Dads. Our subreddit, Dungeons and Daddies. Our next episode comes out March 22nd, so we will see you then. Well, what is the natural villain of the trumpet? Rust. Oh, the rusty trombone. The old rusty trombone.