S2 Ep. 39 - Hey, Dude!
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the description.

My wedding day is right around the corner, and I'm looking for a special ring for my special lady. Come on down to the Shaman Company, Willy. Our buyers scour the darkest corners of the realm for the best deals on enchanted rings of unimaginable power. And unlike other peddlers of accursed trinkets, at the Shaman Company, we buy straight from the source, errers who forged them. Oh! Shackle her fate to yours with our new Cursed Companion Wedding Rings.

Each beautifully engraved platinum band is imbued with evil magics that will turn your blushing bride into a human shield. Oh, she'll love that. Nothing says till death do us part like an unbreakable curse that inflicts whatever harm befalls you onto the one you love most. Her family members will think twice before moving against you knowing that her innocent blood will be shed in equal measure to yours. That'll come in handy when her idiot son tries to thwart my plans to enslave the doodler.

And when my in-laws are in town. Now you have a friend in the villainy business, the Shaman Company. Just off Brondar's Way at Solmore Street, open Lathandar through Tempest till dusk, Kalemvor and Soon till 5.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four teens from our world sent back as a whole mishmash. Oh, I thought you were going to do it. I was like, he's in the he's finally in the groove. He's going the distance. And then you did your thing with it. Four teens from our world. It's beginning to believe. And the Freddie know when it's gonna be the last episode so we can finally get a pitch. Let me give you the real one. Four teens from our world sent back to our world to fix the mess that their grandparents made.

I wouldn't listen to that podcast. What if I told you one of the teens was a Garfield fan? My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift. Yeah, name that too. The ranger survivalist teen really, I gotta say, Anthony, really regretting the relationship

ranger i tried to tell you early on i know but like boy oh boy is a lot of shit that just does not can we do a career day episode where we get to respect that'd be tight do you know what i mean like we go to career day and it's like i'm really into being a druid or whatever do you know what i mean because warlock looks cool and then you realize you just like come out all of your spell slots like immediately and you're just like i can't go again until you take a nap so you take a nap

Get a little snack in the nap and then you're good. Oh, God. Taylor's teen fact this week. Taylor has been quietly doing little remixes of the MP3s on his computer. He's his Winamp still. Taylor's still his Winamp. And then he's just been going through, you know, his anime theme songs and the various RPG, OSTs, and just being like, EQ could use a little mix here. He's like, you know, just kind of getting into the amateur music sort of thing because, you know.

You're setting up a DJ arc, aren't you? All it is. This is a regression to the mean if I've ever seen one. Is Taylor a SoundCloud rapper? Oh, my God. Oh, that's a good one, Beth. I think he may be, but it may be just like anime raps. And it's like how he's like, I got my hair up. I'm got my hair up. I'm going to tear up this club. Yeah, that's the fact. Taylor is a SoundCloud rapper. And I think I have some work to do this week. And all the songs have Taylor's version at the end of

That's good. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson. Still Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled at home soccer kid who's the productive paladin of the group. I want to point out that Matt's reading something right now. No, I'm just like, oh, did you cook?

I'm just zoning out at my D&D Beyond page. I thought you had a whole thing ready to go. I think it's just because my hit points are 64, and just 64, I just can't look at that number without fucking... It's like Ratatouille taking a bite. It's just like every video game I've ever loved. A little known fact about Lincoln, so...

You all know Lincoln as the very soft spoken, polite to authority figure at school. Little do you know, at his old school, he was quite the bad boy. Oh, my God. Back at the Lee Wilson family school for cool kids. He got detention all

All the time. And that's because the first time he got in trouble, Marco said, when a kid gets attention, what they really need is attention. So whenever he gets attention, he just has to go to lunch with his dads and they just have to pay attention to him and they talk to him and be like, what's going on with you, Link? Like, why were you acting out? So now Link got a crush on anybody at school. So Link essentially just gets detention every day because he just wants to go out and get lunch with his dads.

So, yeah. Wow. Can I ask you then when he got to, you know, sort of normie school, the

The first day he got detention, because remember he peed on, we had detention, Freddie. That was the first episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He thought it was going to be lunchtime with the principal, but it was not. It was with all you five, and now he's fucked. Now we're in this, now he's in this hellhole. Now we're here. Now we're here. Hi everyone, I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oak. Perky, pepper, chipper, cheery, school spirit, mascot, kid, who's also a cleric. My fact about Normal this week is that the Oak Swallows Garcia household is a strictly normal,

shoes on in the house. Oh my gosh. You have to wear shoes. You can get in trouble if you don't put shoes on. They'll be like, are you going to take your shoes off in my house? That's a sign of disrespect. Will, you are attacking me, my people, my culture. What the fuck? I told Cherish this fact. She was like, stop Asian hate. What are you doing?

So where it comes from goes all the way back to Oakvale, where in Oakvale, everyone walks around barefoot and they never clean up. So their feet get so dirty and stinky that they're like, you can't get those dirty feet inside this house. So they would put on sandals and slippers and stuff back in Oakville. And then this became a core and grain thing for Henry. And it's just gone down the road ever since. You know, one of the really nuanced ways we tackle the theme of intergenerational trauma. Wow.

And just like cultural diversity. Like this podcast got it all. Yeah. So fucked. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Scary Marlo. She's back. A goth punk seeker of darkness who doesn't want to care anymore. Nice. Fun fact about Scary is that...

After Scary first sort of became a goth punk seeker of darkness, her mom was concerned, startled even, and wanted to take her to a therapist that specialized in depression. To which Scary said, I don't have depression. Are there any therapists who specialize in normal reactions to a fucked up world? And Veronica kind of dropped it after that.

But fun fact, there are therapists in this universe that specialize in normal reactions to fucked up worlds. I was hoping you were going to say that there are goth therapists that only treat gods. That'd be pretty tight. There kind of are. Yeah. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. And my dad's back because I have a goth therapist. Hey, dad. Wait, really? No. Oh. I don't know.

I don't know how to do dad facts. It's hard. When it's about you, when it's when it's you exposed to the universe to just fucking bury your soul to a bunch of strangers. I started masturbating when I was 12. And stopped. And stopped. One and done. I was like, never again. I don't like how that made me feel. I don't get it. I don't see the appeal. I don't get it. Last episode. We beat the game.

You made it to a quasi-N-Boss scenario in which Willy was standing next to the chair that allows you to commune with the doodler. He wanted Scary to be in the chair communing with the doodler so that he can control the doodler, use a cast zone of truth on him so he cannot lie to you currently, and you want him to be nowhere near the chair when that happens.

As it stands, he is standing right next to the chair. He shoved Scary in. The doodler's voice entered Scary and came out and said, I love you guys. So did we hear that too? Yeah, it came out of Scary's mouth using the doodler's voice. That voice sounds like she just drank one of those purple Girmis milkshakes. Nice.

Yeah, Scary nutted so hard she saw the shape of the doodler and spoke to you. Is that the thing with the grimace shakes? No. Do they make you nut? No. No. Anthony, boy, oh, boy, did you miss this trend? Sounds like someone who stopped jerking off when they were 12 this year. Everything makes me cum now.

Life is so hard. Can you imagine if McDonald's was the new product that made you nut? That's how they get vegans back. That's how they get millennials back. Listen, listen, listen, listen. Have you had your cum today? Listen, the ice cream machine is going to be broken, but we have a new machine. Just fucking, just fucking.

Unsatisfied wives just driving their seven-year-old husbands to the drive-thru. We have the cum machine at home. All I know is that's on a whiteboard at McDonald's somewhere after the Grimace milkshake. They're like, I don't know, Mayor McCheese chicken nuggets make you a cum. That's what I'm talking about.

It's Mayor McCheese's re-election campaign and he's promising to make every McDonald's citizen come. McDonald's would have lines like Chick-fil-A and In-N-Out and they'd have to have people standing out like on the lines like, hey, what can I get you today? And then you'd have to be in your car being like, yeah, I'll take the nuggets that make you come, please. I haven't seen lines like this in Szechuan sauce. It's so embarrassing. Now when I go to McDonald's, I don't want them to know that I'm just there to come so I also buy some magazines. I'll get some fries too. I'll pick up some water, some soda. You know what?

Those McNuggets that make you cum. I'll just toss those on. Oh, the machine's broken? That's fine. That's fine. That's cool. I'll take two apple pies. Oh, is the cum machine working? Oh, crazy. Crazy. Why not? You know what? Let's just throw that in there. I would be like faking phone calls. Like, yeah, honey, I'll be home with the fries. And then what else did you want? Yeah, it's not for me. It's not for me. It's for my partner who I can't sleep.

Dude, imagine Fridays. It's just like the filet of fish and... Today's my cheat day.

Okay, so you had the doodler speaking out of your mouth. He said, I love you guys because of the four anchors that you destroyed. One was destroyed with hate. Three were destroyed with love. I rolled the dice. It came up three. So that means love, unfortunately, for drama. And yeah. And credits roll? No. Oh. It could be a fake out. Dungeons and Dice is Matt Arnold's

I just have a stupid question. Could you just reiterate, the doodler is easier to control through love? The doodler was going to be easier for Willy to convince through hate. Willy was going to play on a tatred to get him on its side because he's now loving. It's going to be harder for Willy to convince the doodler to join him. As you can see, as Willy is going to try to roll a persuasion check against the doodler. Okay, so yeah, he got a three. Well,

Oh, boy. So he goes, oh, hey, hey, hey, what's up? So here's the thing. What a simp. The thing about love is I love you. I'm such a big fan of the dude. They're such a big fan. And I think we can work together. Taylor's making jerk off motions in the background. Just every hand, every angle, every conceivable direction. Link thinks you're like shaking a soda can or a paint can. He doesn't know what that action means. So he's just like shaking a paint can. Is that the thing I did once when I was 12? Yeah.

Hey, Willie. Yeah? Nobody's going to listen to you anymore. So you see panic set into his eyes for the first time ever. You see him beginning to realize that this plan is actually not going according to what he hoped would happen. So really quick, he's looking towards scary, right? Yes. So he turned away from us. Yeah, he has turned away from you. He's looking towards me. Taylor would like to just fucking move stealthily on his knees. I think we're going to stay in initiative order. Oh, okay. So I don't remember what the initiatives were before, so let's go ahead and re-roll now that everything is different. Two episodes of combat. Three plus one, four. Eleven.

I got a five. Normal got a 12. And just to clarify, the doodler's like not here. Is the doodler here with us now? No. The doodler's consciousness is inside. Is the doodler here with us now? So yeah, you can see... It was like up above us. You can see outside the windows of the Church of the Doodler that the sky is still undulating as the doodler's body is over you still. The doodler is speaking through scary, but it's not like it has possessed scary.

No, not yet. It hasn't transferred to like her. Correct. Corpus. So Gary just has a doula on speaker and the speaker is her mouth. Yes, exactly. So first up, it is normal. I got to run over to him, right? If I want to. OK, I remember where you were last episode. You're right next to him. No, I remember you were the only people next to him were scary because I took a whole turn to run. Oh, yeah. You normal has seen a fair number of alien movies and he knows that first contact is essential, that it goes well. You don't want to be the guy

pointing the gun at the alien and then he zorches you because he misunderstands something. So, um, normal is just gonna, uh, normal's gonna, uh,

Give him the old grimace shake. All right. I've panicked too long. Normal doesn't know what to do, so he's going to hold his turn. Lincoln. Looking at normal to see what normal is going to do. And I'm like. And Lincoln goes. And Lincoln holds his turn. Okay. It's Willie's turn. No. So Willie's going to try again. And he's going to go. You know, if you loved these people that you say you love, these teens, these kids, you would let Scary go. You would get out of Scary's body.

You know, you leave her beat. So why don't you do that? No, it's good. Now we can respond to this. Okay. So he gets a 16. The voice of the dude that goes, oh, that's a good point. I like scary. I love scary. I don't want scary to be scared. Scary. Are you scared with me here in you and with me? I don't know if I should be honest. Oh, no. Oh, no. I mean, scary doesn't love me. No, I'm not. I'm not scared at all. Is that true? I think she's scared. All right, then go ahead and roll deception.

Oh, fuck. That's a natural 20. Oh, shit. Wow. Wow. Okay. So scary is good at lying about her feelings. The doodler goes like, no, no, no. Doodler safe in here. I'm safe with scary. Scary. And I are best friends. Scary. Yeah.

Yeah. I love you. Oh, thanks. Fuck you, Willie. Yeah, fuck you, Willie. Fuck you, Willie. I don't like you. It's so weird hearing this come out of one person. I just got to say everyone. Okay, so that was Willie's. I'm going to take my turn then. Okay, go ahead. I'm going to use my last spell slot. I'm going to cast Beacon of Hope specifically just for, I mean, we already all have it, I believe, but just in case we don't, I'll cast it on everybody other than Willie.

So that gives us advantage on any sort of wisdom. Saving girls? Yeah, or yeah, wisdom checks. And I'm just going to go, oh, buddy, right here, buddy, right here, man. We all love you too. And I'm going to walk up and give Scary a big hug. This is for you, big guy. Scary's always, always loved you. We love you too. Do you feel fully honest in the way you are doing this? Do you feel like you love the doodler and...

I feel like I have love for scary and I have love for all of us. Okay. I don't think I know this creature well enough to love it, but I definitely wanted to feel loved. Okay. So let's roll persuasion instead of deception then. Okay.

A 12? All right. A 12. He senses that chaotic. Hey, love is messy sometimes, man. Yeah. So with a 12, he can tell that you care about Scary. You're not sure about him. But the doodler does not outright reject your hug. It doesn't take control of Scary's body to do anything. So it accepts the hug. And he goes, oh, it's warm. Good.

Normal is going to cast spirit guardians. They are going to take the form of like a teen to the teen kick line. Okay. And then I'm going to sing a song, like a Broadway song and dance to welcome the doodler to our world and to our group of awesome friends. Okay. Roll performance. Do I get advantage, daddy? I can't imagine why you would. I,

I mean, like, I used a spell to tell him. Do I get a bonus for... Ah, shit. Yeah, I'll give you a bonus. I'll give you a plus five bonus. Well, I got an eight then. Okay. So what is it about this kickline musical number that sucks so bad that it's not even a ten? I think normal's too close to it. And so we start, and it's like a perfect, like, hello, hello, hello. And it's like a ten way. The dude's like, ah-ha-ha. It makes Gary clap her hands unconsciously. And then I say, what?

and then they start kicking and they kick me in the ass and I fall over and I go, ow! He goes, oh no, normal got hurt. I don't like it when normal gets hurt. And tears begin to stream down Scary's face uncontrollably. Oh, he's fine. All right, now it is Scary's turn. I'm going to attack Willy with Eldritch Blast. Okay. That's plus seven to hit.

Three plus seven. That's not gonna do it. He's got a 13 AC. So he dodges out of the way of your elder splash. He goes, hey, I'm the one who gave you that, dick. That's the last time it's gonna happen. So enjoy that. Oh, you're gonna de-level her? What? Taylor's turn. Fuck. Taylor's going to walk with his open arms towards Scary being like, doodler.

Welcome to our as he passes by will he's gonna try to uppercut him in the balls. Okay, go ahead and roll and drop to his knees I'm saying like Johnny Cage like just straight up like really torque his whole body into uppercutting Willie's balls, dude Okay, go ahead and make an attack roll Just gotta be the 13

Four plus five, nine. How the fuck can I not be the fucking 13? I was the same way. I was really hurt emotionally by my dice. By the way, really quick, I accidentally cut this out from the previous episode, but people were like, well, he's AC, he's only 13. Anthony gave us that last episode because we were rolling and continued to roll so badly. I mean, it was true that on his character, she was 13. I was artificially going to inflate it to make him more of a boss character, but you kept rolling so badly. I was like, I might as well just be honest with you and say that it is a 13. Okay, so yeah, you try to punch him in the balls and he just...

his hand rushes out and just grabs you by the wrist and fucking twist your wrist really hard. So he's controlling your wrist now. Like Kung Fu. But I need to understand the physicality of this because Taylor, of course, took like three Brazilian jujitsu classes and it's going to be relevant to what's going to happen. Yeah, it's not so bad that you can't easily get out of my wrist. He's putting me in a wrist lock between his own legs. He's trying to. Yeah. OK, cool, cool, cool. Just making sure. Cool. But not so bad that you can't get out of on your turn. Will he still? What makes you think I want to get out?

willie got pantsed last episode right yes is he still like in a like pants around his ankles potential movement obstruction situation correct okay is your turn normal my turn again normal is going to uh um and i'm the castle person on willie again because we still don't want him to talk to the doodler right yeah

All right, I'm going to shoot my shot. Wisdom saving throw of 15. Hell yeah. That's a three. Yes! All right, so he is paralyzed. Paralyzed creature cannot move or speak. Okay. Can we decide to make him speak so he can speak? No, because then he might say something that is hurtful. We can just ask him the hard questions to the doodler with Zone of Truth.

Like, do you love the doodler? Oh, but we're in the zone of truth. Yeah. So then we shouldn't be able to lie to the doodler. Shit. I forgot that you put the zone of truth on his balls. Yeah. You're right. I mean, I've been on it so far. That realization, let's just play it out in real time as if the doodler realizes it's being lied to. The zone of truth takes effect. So the doodler, he can feel within your own mind the fact that retroactively what you said to him was not entirely true. You do not love the doodler. You don't really know the doodler well enough.

If anything, you're really just fucking petrified of it. And he goes, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to scare. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I didn't either. I totally apologize. No, you lied to me. No, I. You lied to me. You don't lie to people you love. You lied. You lied. And you feel anger. God damn it, that was so quick. Rising up in your chest. I was so excited. I thought this was going to be our. It's going to be our.

It's going to be good. So you can feel that he is ambivalent about you. He's not quite sure what to feel. He's not fully hateful or loving right now. One of the first things that happened to him upon entering the human world is that he was lied to by somebody that he loved. And he doesn't feel great about that. It is your turn, Link. I'm afraid of killing Willy in front of the doodler. I'm like, we don't want to be seen as like the violent ones in this battle for his soul consciousness. Just us murdering someone while they can't fight back. Yeah. Anthony's rolling dice. You haven't done anything yet, Anthony. Feel the weight of it.

Just feeling the weight of it. For when Willy gets to do his saving throw at the end of his turn. You haven't even taken the safety off that dice. Forgotten the feel of polyhedral dice in your dice bag. You've been rolling on D&D Beyond too long. You've forgotten the weight of dice. Our dads are all here too, right? They are. Oh shit, they are. Yeah, Lark and Mr. And Grant. Uh oh, because Lark's like Mr. Take out the doodler. What's Lark up to? Lark is holding his turn until he sees one way or the other what direction this doodler thing is going to go.

But his hand is on his waistband. And what's Grant doing? Why is he touching him? There's a gun there. There's a McNugget. Grant is waiting for you to do something. They're all just watching us. Yes. All right. Seeing that the doodler is freaking out, Link's still just like hugging Scary. I'm just gonna say, hey, buddy, like you just, I mean, we don't know you yet. I mean, I'm happy that your first thought was love. We came here to help you out. Like, that is why we're here. Like, why?

normal there he's one of scary's friends he said we have to help them and that's what we're doing and willie that guy's like literally trying to control you or wanted us to like meet you with hate we're just four scared kids trying to fix this man like that's all uh real persuasion do i get advantage for persuasion since he knows i'm telling the truth because it's zone of truth no yeah okay i like that idea 12 again

Ooh, 11. Okay. So yeah, he's still basically ambivalent about you. He knows that Willy is not somebody he should necessarily trust, but as far as he's concerned, he just sees a bunch of creatures he doesn't recognize all trying to control him when he just showed up, and he's a little bit scared of all of you. Okay, fair enough. All right, so it's Willy's turn, so he's going to take his turn being paralyzed, and at the end, he's going to roll a saving throw. He got a 15, so he saves. God damn it. That's his whole turn, though, right? It's the end of his turn, but he can take a free action, which is to go...

Help! And he shouts out the front door. Shit! To make switching to the new Boost Mobile risk-free, we're offering a 30-day money-back guarantee. So why wouldn't you switch from Verizon or T-Mobile? Because you have nothing to lose. Boost Mobile is offering a 30-day money-back guarantee. No, I asked why wouldn't you switch from Verizon or T-Mobile. Oh. Wouldn't. Because you love wasting money as a way to punish yourself because your mother never showed you enough love as a child? Whoa, easy there. Yeah.

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Mayor McSnarkles with a cadre of at least 10 doodlerized people bust open the front door. All the normies are going to sprint 30 feet towards you. This is where they actually ended up in the initiative order. And I know, I know for certain they are at least, if not double it, 60 feet away because we had a whole argument last time. No, yeah. So they got a lot of turns to get to us. I was not going to cheese you on that. Don't worry. We got about four turns. You had two sprint turns. Mayor McSnarkles is going to raise her hand. I can't believe her name is Mayor McSnarkles.

It's better than the mayor, in my opinion. It's like finding out Slenderman is named like Bill. Yeah.

a little Slenderman and fleshy aperture is going to open up in the center of her palm and she's going to shoot out black and purple blood at you ranged. She's going to attack normal with this range attack and it is going to do 2d10 damage to normal as the goop gets onto you and immediately hardens and you feel like bonding with your skin and beginning to siphon nutrients out of your skin. You can feel yourself getting tired like it's like a horrible hard leech. How much damage are we talking here? 2d10.

Nine. Everybody get close to me. I got protection. So now all the minions, the 10 minions are now 30 feet away from you, which means next turn they will be able to sprint and get close to you. So they're closest, they're 30 feet away from normal? Like the farthest person from the chair? No, they're like close to you now. Okay, so they're at where I am. Yeah. Got it. Okay.

I'll get to the chair. Okay, so now it is Scary's turn. How many baddies just came through the door? 11. Plus the mayor? That is including the mayor. 10 and the mayor. Out of character, if we got out of this church, where would we go? Oh, to see the doodler? We kind of don't have anywhere to go. That's a good point because we're trying to free the doodler. So we need to convince the doodler to leave our realm. That's kind of the goal right now.

is to be like, you know, we're trying to say goodbye and set him free. But if the dealer's just in scary, can't we just like go wherever and talk to him? Yeah, if she gets up from the chair, will the connection be severed? We could take the chair with us. We could take the chair with us. We don't know if it's like a whole like contraption, but we could take the chair. Do we still have the tape measure? You do. You still have the tape measure and the sun. What if we shrink scary on the chair down and then we put her in our little pocket and we run away? I think she's going to teleport us all.

But you can shrink her two more times. Damn, that was a good idea. Yeah. Okay, I'm just going to keep it simple, and I hope I can do this. I'm going to cast mass suggestion on the 11 people who have just come in. You can just do it on 11 people? I can do it on 12, actually. Jesus Christ. Ha ha!

That's what happens at church when you go and they tell you that it's the blood of Christ and you're a mass and they're suggesting that you, you know. Mass suggestions when you go to the airport and you put your bag on the thing and they say you should probably lose like five pounds of it. God. Hey,

I think there's a building like a few clicks back that might have some explosives and be dangerous. You like to like the community. Yeah. Oh no. Can you go check it out? Oh, okay. They have to make a wisdom saving throw. That's reasonable. Wisdom saving throw 11 times. Fail. Succeed. One. Fail. Succeed. Two. Succeed. Three. Fail.

Succeed. Four. Succeed. Five. Fail. Ten. This is the mayor's roll. This one's the mayor. This one's for the mayor. That is a fail. Nice. So the mayor goes, oh no, six of you, come with me. We have to go to this other building. Fucking D&D mechanics. Okay, let's go. Here we go. And they are going to leave the building. They are going to, on their turn, try to leave the building. Nice. Hell yeah. So yeah. Now it is Catlus' turn. Six people.

The cat bus is going to campus can't touch the doodler right because it like floats away from you as you get closer to it Yeah, I can't leave up and touch the box like nothing more loving than Scary yeah, we can have the cat come up and snuggle. Oh, yeah, it's true. It can be like a little security blanket Yeah, scary roll animal handling for the cat bus to see if you as a group can do that I got a 12 12 11 11. This is an 11 plus 2 13. Okay, so the cat is

walks up to Scary, sort of shoving past some of the confused, doodlerized people that are beginning to walk in the opposite direction. And it's sort of like...

just stands there and looks at scary it's not close enough to be loving it's looking at you suspiciously it is a cat it's not easy to yeah it's just a very very large cat just looking at the doodler and scary at the same time occasionally just looks at something and whips his head right back to scary looking at scary yeah then looks away and looks at something whips his head right back yes it is not your eyes taylor's turn taylor is still being held right by his arm is held yeah but it's not official in order for that to work willie needs to be reaching between his legs right

Yeah. So I think Taylor's going to be like, why are you stopped? Nothing yourself. And then just stand up hard. Okay. He brings Willie's own arm into contact with his balls. Okay. We'll say that's a normal melee attack. I don't know if it's normal, but it's amazing. 10 plus five, 15. Okay. So 15 will hit him. So he nuts himself by you standing up his own like thumb part of his hand, I guess.

Yeah, hits himself in the taint. So he's going to take 2d8 damage. 8,000 damage. So he takes 3 damage. It grazed one of his testes. It doesn't feel great. First balls a warning. Does he let go of me in shock? He does. He does let go of you. And I try to do a back handspring. Okay, go ahead and roll acrobatics. 12 plus 1, 13. Okay, so you do it and land exactly where you were. I'm like...

Wait a minute. Okay, now it's Nick and Hermie's turn. What do you want them to do? We still have a few followers. Yeah, there's the rest of the mayor's squad. Still five doodlerized people. I think Nick and Hermie, mostly Nick, honestly, I don't want to be violent in front of our new guest, our new Eldritch guest. We can just ask the doodler, like, yo, would you be upset if we hurt these bad guys? Do you have the mental capacity for some violence?

right now. So I'm just wondering if Nick has anything on his character sheet that would let him like blow his wings really hard and everyone falls out in a gust of wind or he asks them real hard and they go, ah, we're out of here. You know what I mean? So in terms of things that Nicky can do that are nonviolent, he can't.

He has a long sword. He's built to kill. He has a long sword, a whip, a multi-attack, a teleport. Remember, he's based on the Balor demon. Are these five remaining lackeys like dressed in any way that like you could just really roast the hell out of them and they'd want to leave? I mean, they're all dressed like normal people who got like fucked up at work or on their way to, you know, home.

or just normal people. So it's, you know, people in suits, it's people wearing t-shirts who got fucked up at the grocery store. 401k core. Couple of screenwriters and fucking blazers and a graphic team. One guy with a leather. Converse sneakers. Deny that they're smart, but they're not so stuffed up like some executive, you know what I mean? One's a 12 year old boy. You know, we have to tell the truth, right? Herbie can tell the truth, yeah. Yeah.

have Hermie tell the other five that those people are walking towards their death and they should go and help them air them. And then he can use his performance to make that really convincing. Yeah, and then they're going to run after them. And then Nick can just flex on them. And they'll be exactly 60 feet behind the other until they won't meet each other until they get all the way to the other building. And then Nick can do one of those moves where it's like he's got his back turned and you're like, who's this guy? And then he looks over his shoulder real quick behind him

Oh, I like that. And it's like, oh, this guy doesn't even need to look all the way at me for me to be scared of him. Anthony, I'm noticing you're not writing any of this down. Yeah, no, I'm not. Okay, weird. Okay, so Hermie is going to roll persuasion to say, those guys behind you are going to their deaths. You gotta stop them. You gotta save your fellow friends. You got a natural 20. Yeah, baby! The greatest actor who's ever lived! So with the gravitas of Daniel Day-Lewis, the...

the timing of J.K. Simmons and the sex appeal of J.K. Simmons. He tells all the remaining doodler eyes people like, you got to go. They're going to die without you. And so they all immediately turn tail and start heading out of the building. And then Nick does his turnaround to be cool. And no one's. You got away easy. OK, so Willie, because he's a legendary creature, is going to take a legendary turn.

He is going to, once again, shout, more of you, help! And he's going to call in, I'm going to roll a D12, and that many people will come in. Hermes has got to get outside his own truth and act as the mayor. Six more are going to push past these guys, sort of zombified, sort of not knowing what's going on. So with Willy's turn, having spent his free action to call in more people, he's going to spend his primary action, and he says, I didn't want to have to do it this way, but here we go. And he's going to use dominate monster.

You attempt to be a creature that you can see within range. You must succeed on a wisdom saving throw. It will be charmed by you for the duration. While the creature is charmed, you have a telepathic link with it. As long as the two of you are on the same plane of existence, you can use this link to issue commands to the creature while you are conscious, which it does its best to obey. So the doodler rolled a wisdom saving throw. It had to be a 19, and it got an 18. He has an advantage. What are you talking about? He has an advantage. I gave him a beacon of hope. Oh, okay. So I rolled with advantage. It got a six the second time. So Willy goes, Obey my commands only.

And the dude goes, yeah, yeah, okay. Okay. Dude, they're not out!

Now it is normal's turn. Okay. If I do an impassioned plea about the power of friendship, will he get a chance to resist the fucking mind control? How does the mind control thing work? Each time the target takes damage, it makes a new wisdom saving throw against the spell. Every time it takes damage? Yeah. Oh, no! I think we just gotta kill Willy. And we can't damage it without damaging fucking... It's scary. Shit. Yeah. I'm no longer concerned about showing violence in front of this thing since now it is controlled by Willy. Yeah, that's true. That's true. The situation's changed. Fair enough.

Seeing Willy use his abuser bullshit to fucking dominate this poor misunderstood being known as the doodler. Fucking something snaps in Normandy, fucking roars out and casts another guiding bolt fucking straight at Willy's heart. So that is 66 radiant damage. I rolled a 24. He's AC 13, so that definitely hits. 16 radiant damage. 16 radiant damage. Perfect.

So the guiding bolt smashes into his chest and shoots blood out of the back of him. And you see that he is still standing, but it's like you basically punched the blood out of his fucking body with this magical spell. He convulses and he doubles over in pain. And the dude goes, oh, oh, what was that?

What was that? That was awful. He's trying to use you. That was awful. What was that? Now it is Link's turn. How much damage did you do on Willy? 16. This is not an imaginary HP. I am keeping track of his HP. So we could kill him? You could kill him. Ooh, this is tricky. I've got an idea, but it's kind of stupid. That's great. Welcome to the podcast. Welcome to the podcast, pal. Similar to normal Link...

seeing this father figure just yelling and controlling this poor creature snaps. And it's like, stop telling us what to do. And I'm going to cast the spell magic, which is choose one creature object or magical effect within range. Any spell a third level or lower on the target ends. Oh, yes. It's an eight level spell for each spell of fourth level or higher. Make an ability check using your spell casting ability. So that would be a check that Matt rolls.

Okay. And the DC is 10 plus the spells level. So the DC is 18. 18. So you got to beat an 18 with your roll. All right. I got to get an 18, 19, or 20. Let's go. 18. All right, cool.

Oh, Anthony's actually upset. Yeah, I am. Cool. So this thing I did that was dramatically interesting, you just undo. And so, yeah, the control he has over the doodlers is spelled now. I mean, you can, I'm sure, do it again. Okay, so it's Willie's turn. So he is going to spend a free action breaking the patron's bond he has with Scary. So Scary, you get de-leveled four levels. Whoa! Whoa!

Then he is going to say, look, they're trying to tell you what to do. I'm trying to tell you what to do. The thing that we both want you to do that we can all agree on is you need to leave the planes that you're on. You need to take physical form in front of us. You need to take everything that you are. You're scaring everybody. You're damaging all the worlds. You're driving everyone insane. You just need to be right in front of us right here, right now. Can you make yourself corporeal in a way that is less terrifying and horrible and awful? And he's going to roll persuasion. I think

He gets a natural 20. So the dude goes, I'm scared. I'm scaring people. I'm hurting people. I didn't mean to hurt anybody. I'm so stupid. I'm stupid. I'm stupid. And scary starts hitting her own head. And he goes, I'll change it. I'll change it. I'll be different. I'll fix it. I'll fix it. I'll fix it. I'll fix it. And in that moment, the sky begins to suck inward. The undulating dark body of the doodler

collapsing inward on itself into the church itself. You see all of the sky beginning to coalesce over the church atop you. Its fleshy tendrils beginning to suck and they pierce through the roof of the church.

and they pierce through Scary's skull, and you see the entire sky pouring itself into the vessel that is Scary. What? And you can see on the phone that Willy had dropped that was showing Earth, you see the great eye that was looking over Earth is now staring directly at you. You can see the black sun focusing on you, and then it begins, too, to get sucked through the dimensions. You see the red of the sky that you grew up under, this is the only sky you've ever known, begin to be replaced with a blue that is...

Ew, gross and weird. Practically alien to you. Gross and weird. Don't like it. All of the sky pours itself into Scary, and Scary has no choice but to scream in pain as everything enters Scary, and then she vomits, and she vomits, and she vomits, and she vomits, and chunky violet bile spills onto the cold, rocky ground, and slowly the chunks begin to move together to absorb one another.

And the doodler...

takes a humanoid form in front of you and the sky clears and it is a dark night above you. You can see for the first time the moon shining down, moonlight on you. And now, before all of you, is the doodler humanoid, vulnerable, and very, very scared. Man, if I threw up something like that, I would call all my friends. I would be like, look at what I just threw up.

What does it look like? It's just shifting. Oh, it's just like shifting constantly. It's just the idea of teenager. Like a holographic Pokemon. It's a holographic Pokemon, or it's like the suits they wear in a scanner darkly. Normal sniffs the air and says, It's like Magnus. It smells like some kind of teen spirit. Yes. Ha ha ha.

Exactly that. Or the emperor. It looks like what you think it should be as a teenager. When you look at it, you see your own anxieties reflected back at you. When normal looks at it, he sees teen to teen being mocked by school children. When scary looks at it, she sees Terry. When you look at it, Link, you see... No more detention. You see nothing because you're... The concept of no detention. When Terry looks at it, he sees himself because he's perfect and nothing needs to change. Yeah, baby!

Wow. Cool. New friend. Okay. So it's the mayor's turn next. Mayor's going to keep leaving along with her 11 soldiers. And then six more are going to walk in. They're going to spend their turn sprinting to the middle of the room. So,

So Lark, his hand's going to move to the gun and his waistband and he's going to pull it out and he's going to aim at the doodler. But right now, normal standing between the doodler and him. He can't get a clean shot and he says normal get out of the way. I get to do stuff on my turn. OK, he's holding his turn until normal does something. Now it is. Oh, shit. Now it is scary. Hey, I think I just want to say I'm having a good time. This is fucking wild. It's some wild shit on protect this baby.

Real juggle, real juggle of a combat. I want to protect this baby doodler. Scary tries to lock eyes with the doodler. And I guess I'll roll for that because the doodler's all weird looking. Why not? 12. Okay, so you can't quite look him in the eyes. You look in his general direction, but at his feet. He can tell you're looking at his forehead. And Scary's like, hey, man, what's your name? And he goes, I don't know. I don't have, I don't know.

I don't know. Well, you want to do something cool? And scary cast spider climb on the doodler. Make him a spider boy! Spider boy! Link's like, what? So the doodler goes, what?

What? Why did my feet feel weird? Oh, it's part of a cool spell. I just wanted you to feel like you could fly, man. I know you've been kind of above all of us for a while now, but this is like a cool middle ground between what you were doing and what you're doing as a teen on Earth. Oh, okay. That's fun. So go ahead and roll persuasion. That's a one plus five. Okay. You've made our enemy more powerful. Okay.

He immediately tries to take a step up onto the wall and he goes, this makes me nauseous. I don't like this. I don't like this. The world is good sideways. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. And he steps back down onto the ground. Oh, poor buddy. Well, it's not for everybody.

So the cat bus is turned. I had such a good idea with the cat bus and now it doesn't make any sense. Well, what is it? What was the idea? I was going to have him break the curse by sitting on me and then scratching me. We could still have the cat bus like maybe pet him or something. Oh, do we want the cat bus to like nuzzle the doodler? Yeah, we just want the doodler to show up. You said that could go either way. It is a cat. Yeah. If you've ever tried to pet a cat, it is not 100% guaranteed. But at the same time, where lie danger and

It's a high risk, high reward. Yeah, let's do it. I want the kitty cat to go up and nuzzle this doodler teen age thing. The cat also knows what it's like to be a feral chaos monster that no one understands. So they have an affinity for each other. So somebody roll animal handling to try to direct the cat to doing this. Plus two, whatever we have.

I have plus three, but I have something I want to do on my turn. Minus one. Oh, it's just a... This is a free action. You don't have to... All right, then I'll do it. Oh, that's a 21. Wow, a 21. Okay, so the 21, the cat walks up towards the doodler and the doodler's like, oh, oh, oh.

and freezes in fear and the cat kind of walks past just like a toddler meeting a cat for the first time yeah cat kind of walks past him and then walks around him takes a brief second to sort of sniff around the butt just for a second and then walks all the way back around in front of him and then bumps the duther with his head and the duther goes oh oh that's nice

That's nice. And it reaches out and it starts petting the cat and the cat bus. You can hear all the engines inside of it start to purr. You know, I learned that when a cat's doing that, it is stating dominance over you. That's why it's like alpha. It's like, yo, you're mine. Like head bump. I look down upon you. Yeah. Like I look down upon you. Yeah. I can see that. Yeah. Cats are fun.

So that was the cat bus's turn. He's got the doodler very happy. Now Willie is going to take his legendary action of the turn. Fucking Willie. He's going to take out a collar that says, follow only Willie's instructions. Oh no. He's going to walk up behind the doodler and he is going to try to put it around the doodler's neck.

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Can we reaction? Can Lark do anything? Lark's Lark was holding his turn. Yeah, Lark's got a gun. Okay, do you want him to do something? No, but you can't because he can't damage Willy. Shit. You can't stop Willy. How about, is this an attack roll that he's going to do? If it helps you do whatever you're trying to do, yes. I just want to do protection because I'm definitely right. I'm next to the doodler, obviously, within five feet. Okay, well, if you're next to the doodler within five feet, that means you also get an opportunity attack.

Oh, okay. Well, I have a reaction, which is free, right? Yeah. A reaction is protection, which is while wielding a shield, which we decide are my shin guards. A creature who attacks a target other than you within five feet, you can use your reaction to impose disadvantage on their attack roll. Okay, cool. So I'm going to do that. So he's going to walk past you. So first, let's go ahead and do an opportunity attack. I want the attack...

To look like a hug to the chitler. Because I still want to be... So you're going to roll deception, and then you're going to roll your attack. Yeah, because I'm going to do a grapple. Okay. So it's like a big hug. So go ahead and roll your attack. And go, oh, you kind man. You can't lie. You're in the zone of truth. Oh, you.

16? 16 will beat him. Okay. So his arms are pinned to his sides. Nice. And he cannot move because you are, despite being a kid, very big and very strong. Yes. So you've got his arms down to his sides and he feels like he wasted his fucking turn. And he's like, fuck, fuck, fuck. God damn it, I'm so close. I'm so close. And his hand tightens around the collar. Shit, what if he puts the collar on Lee? Shh, don't say that. Don't want Anthony to think of that. I'm not that too at that exact moment. Taylor, it's your turn. Taylor is going to cast Silence on...

Willie. Okay. He's going to be like, where's my Hasune Miku magnetic toy? Bingo. Ah, there it is. And throw it at Willie's... Well, he doesn't have a belt buckle anymore. He's got his pants wrapped around his ankle still, right? He must have pulled his pants up at some point. I think he stepped out of them. I think he, like his son, is pantsless. Except his boxers say bad guy on them. Ooh, I would get boxers to say bad guy. No. No.

It says business up front and party in the back is what it says. I don't think Willie has the confidence to be pegged. Like a mullet. Here's a question. For your butt. Matt, what's your question? Sorry, just I was...

I was so blown away by Matt's... That's what they say about mullets, right? It is. Business front, party in the back. It just means something drastically different when it's on your boxers. Begging really is like a mullet if you think about it. I'm more curious as to what the business of front part means. You know, like peeing. Like peeing. Oh, peeing is business. That's a good one, actually. Peeing is business, but poop is for pleasure. The days may be made for peeing, but the nights, the nights are made for pooping.

Yeah, you guys, do you think I should cast silence? I could also cast silence on the doodler. Silence won't matter because he's just trying to put the collar on. He doesn't need to say anything. He just needs to do the collar. So there's some way you can get the collar away from him. I got this. I got this. Where is Willie in relation to where the doodler is? He's right behind him. Yeah. He's close enough that he could almost touch him if it weren't for the fact that Link is constraining his arms. Well, I'm going to help Link then. Nice. Okay, here's what it is. Link is holding his arms back, right? Yeah. And then I'm going to just...

sprint full speed because remember I did a really cool back tuck so I got real head of steam from my acro bags. I'm going to sprint full speed and then just bear hug him his face. Like just a jump. You know what I'm saying? Full mass. Full mass. Just jump and I go and I try to wrap my arms and my legs around just the entire upper body just to try and bowl him backwards. Willy or the doodler? Willy. Okay. So we're on attack and I'm hoping that my boy She's double grappling him. 3 plus 5, 8.

Okay. So that's not gonna be enough. You're going to jump onto his head and he's going to go and shake you off like a Tom and Jerry cartoon. Um,

Yeah, and you're going to get shaken off of his head. Can I try and do a cool backhand spring as I land? Yeah, go for it. How about he lands on my face and now he's back on my shoulders? Yeah, yeah, that's what happens. Okay, yeah, yeah, no, no, I like that, I like that. So I'm going to try and redirect in the air to make air recovery. Air recovery, air recovery. I'm going to do, what is it in Super Smash Brothers when you do a dodge in the air? Oh, yeah, air cancel or air dodge. Air cancel, air dodge. I'm going to try an air dodge and then land back on Link's shoulders. Great. So that's an acrobatics roll. And it makes like...

No, it's five plus one, six. Okay, so you completely fall off and land straight on your fucking, you land on your face and your ass is in the air. Yeah, the moment he lands on me, I go, heh, back to oh. Yeah, and then you face plant your butt in the air. You just get a brush of like, heh. It's Nick and Hermie's turn. What do you want Nick and Hermie to do? They should still be doing crowd control on all these dudes. Yeah, you're going to have them take care of the doodler guys. Yeah, I didn't take care of the doodles. Is that what they're called? Yeah, the doodles. So Nick goes, body count, zero or higher than zero?

Can I kill him? Oh, it's just like in fucking Terminator, dude. Yeah. Just like we told Miss Hale, just, you know, do what you need to do and just don't tell us about it. Hey, hey, don't tell me. Hold on, hold on. Taylor's hand comes up. Dad, dad, over here. Over here. Dad. What's up, son? We don't know if they're mind controlled or not. So zero body count, but you can do anything else. You can fuck them up any other way as long as they're alive. Like, do you remember Terminator 2, dad? Of course I remember Terminator 2. The part where he unloads a minigun into a crowd of cops.

And he doesn't kill anyone. He doesn't kill anyone. But you're going to tell me no one got injured? Yeah, most disappointing part of that movie. Yeah, exactly. That. Just do that. Here we go. And he fucking lowers his head and he takes out his sword and he's going to multi-attack. Ooh. Ooh. He missed the first guy. Ha!

And he hit the last two. He goes, he moves. And then two people, suddenly their leg pops off and blood shoots from it. Actually, blood doesn't even shoot from it because it gets cauterized by the flame wound. And then one guy, he gets a little nick on his leg and he goes, ow, because he just missed that guy. And then they fall over and they are alive, spraying arterial blood everywhere. So they're not going to bleed to death. That's how it works in real life is if the sword is hot enough, you basically just clean. It's in the documentary. Star Wars taught you that. Yeah.

Okay, now it is Normal's turn. Okay, Normal... And your dad is holding your turn until after you do something. Okay. Normal's aiming at the doodler. You were standing between him and the doodler. Okay, all right. Normal's gonna look at Lark and I say, Uncle Lark, I read in that journal about what happened with you and your dad with Grandpa Henry. And I know...

That you hate him so much. And I can't imagine what it's like to carry that amount of hate towards someone and how hard and painful that must be for you. And so I'm asking you, don't make me hate you as much as you hate him. Ooh, that's good. Love it. Roll persuasion with advantage.

24. Oh, wow. I got a five first. So it was very nice of you. Your face didn't look like a 24 there for a second. So the gun quivers in his hand. He goes, you have to promise me you know how to deal with this thing because I don't know what to do. If not that, that's all I know how to do. I put my hand on his hand. I said, I promise.

And boy, he slowly lowers the gun. Oh, and then I guess I feel like that's a whole turn. I don't think I get to cast a spell after that. Yeah, I feel like that was a turn. And he goes, what about Willie? Can I kill Willie? Oh, fuck yeah. He goes, all right. He raises his gun. No, but he can't. So he's going to raise his gun and pull the trigger. And he goes, ah!

And he can't get his finger to go, fuck, fuck, fuck. And his hand seizes up and he goes, ah, shit. Which then causes the bullet to go off because it spasms his trigger finger too, I bet. No, it's not a hair trigger. It's a very safe trigger. One of those safe triggers. One of those safe triggers for the safety zone. He found himself unconsciously turning the safety on when he pulls the trigger. There we go. So he goes, fuck you, fuck you, Willie, fuck you. And Willie's like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. All right, now it is Link's turn. What's Sparrow doing? Oh, Sparrow's also there.

And what does Grant do? So Sparrow's there going, what should I do, Norman? You're in charge here. He's got his gun with him. Excuse us.

That's right. I am in church, Dad. That was the deal I made. We fucked the world up. We got to help Link. OK, so Sparrow is going to run up and try to tackle Willy around the legs. Like, you know what this is like? It's like the end of Space Jam when all the monsters are trying to stop Michael Jordan from making the dunk. Yeah. Except Michael Jordan's the bad guy here. Like, it's a lot like that Marvel movie with the big purple guy and they all try to stop him. Yeah, kind of. But we also don't want to do the axe stuff.

So I feel like it's more like Space Jam personally, but you can have your Marvel thing. Sure. When they're all trying to stop. What's his name? Grimace. Grimace. From Nutting. When they're all trying to stop Grimace from Nutting. From that Marvel movie. So we'll do a Grimace.

He's like, you can't get kicked out of here again. All Thanos has ever wanted to do was nut so hard that half the universe disappeared. He's like, you fool, I can do... With a single snap of his fingers, he can nut. With my mind only, you know. All right, so Sparrow is going to run at him. He's going to roll not very well. And Willy's going to elbow him in the fucking head really hard and send Sparrow collapsing to the ground. Right next to me. Yeah, right next to you. What is Grant doing now? Grant has a gun in his hands and he looks...

scared and he's not quite sure what to do but you can see he was beginning to do what lark did but then lark got talked down from it and now grant realizes the responsibility is his if this is going to happen at all but he hasn't he doesn't have the gun up he's not sure because he knows that if he does this you're going to hate him but you can tell he's going to take action after you you're just not sure what that action is okay

How do I just keep hugging? I want to keep hugging. He has to save on his turn, so you don't have to do anything to remain hugging. Okay. I want to kind of like I'm, you know, the leader on the dance floor. I'm trying to shift our bodies. Try to get me and Willie between the doodler and Grant. Okay. So if he does raise his gun, we're in between. Okay, great. Yeah, that's all I'm doing. Cool. So Grant sees what you're doing. He tries to raise his gun, but it's too late. You're already in the way of his shot. Okay.

and he goes god damn it fuck fuck fuck and he's gonna move to the side i'm following him i'm just like i'm just gonna keep i'm just gonna do it baby yeah you're the interior of a clock dancing and they always look over the shoulder at each other yeah that's me with grant right now instead of it being romantic it's like don't fucking shoot the doodler so it's

it's Willie's turn now. He is going to say, okay, fuck it. He looks around and he sees how completely outnumbered he is, how his little army that he wanted to come in got turned away and is currently getting their limbs sliced off. And he goes, yeah, you, you win this one. But just so you know, there is nowhere you can hide this doodler that I won't find it. And all it takes is one moment. All it takes is one moment for me to get this fucking thing around his neck. And then he's mine. So I will see you fuckers later. I promise you. And scary, scary,

You really disappointed me. And he's going to teleport away. He's just bamfing out? Yeah, he has the teleport ability. He's going to use teleport and he is gone. And suddenly Link is hugging nothing but air. I'm hugging myself. And so now you find yourselves in a scenario where he has sworn to track you down and track the doodler down and get his due control over the doodler at some point.

And you don't know when or where that might be. But we're here now with this dude. But you're here now with the doodler. So what do you want to do? We've got to make our own collars. For who? For what? For all of us. What are the collars? We've got to make things that, like, Willy won't be able to, like, fuck up. So if we all have collars saying, don't listen to Willy, whatever he says or something like that. Wow. Hold on. You're right. Scary. Are you telling me you want to make rhinestone bracelets together? Oh, my God. I mean, no. You don't.

You don't need a collar not to listen to Willie. Like, you've done a good job of that. I mean, like, he's going to put this collar on the doodler no matter what. So if we put a collar on the doodler... Oh, on the doodler. Well, do we want to do that or do we want to...

I don't want to do what our parents and Willie... Let's hang with this guy. If we do what Willie does, that makes us as bad as him, maybe. How? I mean, like, we're preemptively trying to, like, cancel out his control. No, I get that. I mean, we could give him a collar that says, you do you, like, believe in yourself. Right? Or maybe, like, listen to us, collar. Yeah, I'm not saying we don't put a collar on, but, like, I don't know. It just feels weird that we're talking about it. Hey, what's up? Yeah, well, he's right there. Why don't we just ask...

Dude. What should we call you? What's your name, bud? I don't have. I don't know what that is. How about we call him dude? Dude. Dude. Can we call you dude? It's just a way for us to know we're talking to you. Dude. Dude. Yeah. I like dude. I'm dude. Dude.

That guy who left. Dude, nice to meet you. Dude. Handshake. Handshake. Dude. Handshake. Dude. Dude. Handshake. Hey, you know, we're a hugging family here. I hug them. But you can go at your own pace, you know? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. I should ask. Can I hug you? I'm more comfortable with handshakes. Something about handshake feels familiar to dude. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. I put my hand out. They shake your hand. I'm Lincoln. Dude. Dude. Cool. You want to, like, hang with us? Like, Grant says...

Look, we need to... Whoa, do you guys hear some farting noises? Just a bunch of shit coming out of nowhere? You guys did great. I'm really proud of you. I'm amazed that you didn't kill this thing. Thing! They're our bot! Yes. Dude. Hi, dude. Hi. But Willy's gonna find Dude...

No matter how long it takes. Willy's got control of Daddy's, which means he's got control of being able to move between the realms whenever he wants to. An 18 CIA spy satellite. Yes, he's got the CIA behind him. He's got all the resources back on our world that he can possibly muster. And I can't move through planes anymore because I'm level 10 now. Yeah, sorry about that. You're still level 14 to us. No, it's okay. I mean, like, I know I can do this on my own anyway. Well, not like on my own, but like without...

Fucko Willie. Yeah. We're also married, I guess. That's what I'll call him. You guys want to have like a, come up with a new last name? Before you get to that.

We'll talk about that later. But we need to find a place to hide the doodler somewhere that's not somewhere he can find in any of the realms. And I don't know what that is, but it's that or kill him. And I know you don't. We're not doing that. We're not doing that. OK, we're not doing that. I know I'm breaking my rule of not talking to you, but that's how serious I am about not killing this this dude that we just met. I agree. Dude, it seems like you got stuck here. You got pulled here. So I'm kind of wondering, like, do you have a home to go back to? Like, where's home for you? This goes, um.

There was darkness and then there was a movie and then there was a forest. And then so I guess dark. I don't know. And then at that moment, all your phones chirp with a text message. I thought I set this on silent from May Hales. And it says received messages for Terry. Many messages. Should I forward them to you? Why? And yeah, I guess. Yeah.

Dear Terry, I'm sorry I could not say this letter to you in person, but as you know, I am very much better writer than speaker, though I excel at both.

Anyways, I've been thinking about the concept of time lately, parentheses, is it even real? And I know I can't make up for the time I've lost with you, but I can let you know that every moment I think of you makes me very happy. I am in heaven and the business prospects are dire. Everybody seems to want everything for free.

Oh, well, the only thing I could never put a number on is how much I love you and how proud I am of you. This is day 9,855. I'm telling you I love you and I mean it every time, even if time is not real. Sincerely, Ron Stampler, your stepfather.

Not today, no, not today.

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