S2 Ep. 38 - Main Chairacter Syndrome
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Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Animehab. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons of new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kind of...

It's all kinds of stuff, dude. I was thinking solely anime. From Family Guy to American Dad, they've got it all. Solar Opposites, Hit Monkey, American Dad. Plus, watch some of the freshest animated series around, like The Great North, Grimsburg, Crapopolis, and so many more. If you're looking for a favorite animated show, there's only one destination you need to remember. Hulu Anime Hem. Your animation destination now streaming on Hulu. Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

On a clear morning in Summertide, all of Faerun focused its attention on the city for the most solemn of pizza parties, the state funeral of His Majesty, Papa John. Within Westminster Abbey, the leaders of many pizza chains came together to pay their respects. Caesar from Little Caesars. Pizza, pizza. The Noid from Domino's. The Noid. Charles Entertainment Cheese. It's where the dead can be the dead.

They join anthropomorphized pizza entities from across the Papa John's family to watch as the supreme pizza leader was hand-tossed, wood-fired, and topped with better ingredients for a better world.

Pepperoni for remembrance, sausage, symbol of hope and renewal, and black olive, symbolizing the eternal darkness that awaits his assassins, the four shitty teens and their dads who ripped out his garlic knot heart and destroyed it to free the doodler.

Amen.

With a cry of "Order up!" a calzone brigade delivered the late Papa John to Pineappleham Palace in 30 minutes or less. There, in the family's nylon insulated mausoleum, he was laid to rest, along with a little plastic table to keep him from sticking to the lid of his coffin. If anyone else suffered the loss of a father figure last episode, it simply wasn't as heartbreaking as this. For the PZZ, I'm Deep Dish Debbie.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four teens from our world sent to clean up after their grandparents jacked it all up. All those jacked off. Interesting. Interesting. Sent to clean up after their parents jacked off. It's pretty long. Freddie, you have the cum. No, he has the cum. Freddie, you have the cum. Take over. Roger, I have the cum. Uh.

My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the anime-loving ranger teen of the group, a survivalist, a killer at heart, and he's got a good smile and a cool hat. This week's Taylor fact... A killer at heart. Taylor's very conflicted after the events of the past two episodes because on one hand...

He witnessed one of his, you know, what he considers a close friend going through some real hard emotional turmoil and trauma. On the other hand, he got to use a sword against people and he got to spin around and slice people with a samurai sword, which anybody who owns a samurai sword knows. That's like the whole point of getting the sword. It's like you buy when you pray for an intruder to come in at night. You pray for the ability to use it. They picked the wrong house. That's what Taylor's got going on. That's what Taylor's got going on. He's feeling great.

Having a good time. He just said he was conflicted. Taylor's feeling great. He's feeling great, but he also feels bad for Scarra. Is this the first time he's felt conflicted in his life? Two emotions Taylor's going through. Wow. He is now a two-dimensional character. Who knows? This episode, you might even see a third emotion show. Hitherto unknown Taylor dimension. I'm hungry.

Nope. No, that's actually the third one. You got it. He's hungy. He wants snacks. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play the schooled-at-home soccer kid, Lincoln Lee Wilson. I did that backwards, but that's okay. This is just a backwards world we're in today. And a little fact about Lincoln is that he still has...

a baby monitor. Now, to be fair, he has grown. Like, it's no longer like the video one. It's no longer a video one, but then his dad's like, you should get rid of that. He's like, well, then how can I say goodnight if I wake up in the middle of the night or check in with you guys? So he still has, so he still has, he still, now it's a walkie talkie. So it's two ways. So he can talk to them and they can talk back and everything. But you know,

Sometimes Lincoln, after he said goodnight, he needs to throw in that extra goodnight. Oh, not anymore. Now that he's cut ties. What's he doing with that walkie-talkie when he gets home? Oh, if he gets home, he's going to throw that thing away. We'll see. Oh, no! But that's what he has. No, no, he's going to take it to the electronics recycling that the library does every month. Oh, yeah, e-waste. Big e-waste recycler. What is it in Dungeons & Dragons? A speaking stone? Is that what he has? Yeah. Yeah, he's got two speaking stones.

Oh, so he had a magical speaker. I'm just saying I want to use. I'm just saying that in case we need them for items later that we can bullshit that I have. Yeah, sounds good. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normal. Berkey, Pepe, Chipper, Cherry School Spirit, mascot kid slash cleric. Normal fact this week. Normal. All of his shoes are Healy's.

But he's too scared to ride the tiger. Do you know what I mean? That's great. One day he's going to finally get work up the guts to bust those Heelys out. But until that day, that is Chekhov's Heely. If I've ever heard, he's been waiting. He's like, I just don't know if I've got what it takes to Heely. Like Heely tricks are like big on YouTube in the future. So he's been watching Heely stunts. He wants to work Heelys into his mascot routine, but he just doesn't have the juice. Can I ask who here has actually ridden Heelys?

I have adult Heelys in my closet at home right now. I use them a lot during the pandemic and

And you can drive by cough on people. Say during the pandemic is if that like puts it into context that I would then into one. Why are you using them more in the pandemic? We try to get good at it around the neighborhood and stuff like that. And then just like knowing that nobody was in like stores. So I would go into Home Depot. Yeah. Also, we'll strip really quick. Take us back. Actually, that's exactly what that means. We'd never have to explain anything we did during the pandemic.

That's literally the point of saying I did this during the pandemic. Look, like my mind wasn't at peak performance, but my heels were. Nice. Beth, let me just say as a fellow Healy user and a man. I have.

I had Heelys way earlier. There's YouTube videos of me and Brandon rolling Heelys. Oh, that's right. We were on that train before everyone else got on it. I mean, they were around when we were kids. No, but the adult sizes. Yeah, but that's pathetic. I was there as a kid. I remember when I was in third grade, I wore Heelys. Here's what I'm saying. I understand the plight of people who wear high heels.

I don't think you do, Freddie. I don't think you do. Because the Heelys elevate your heels and boy, that's uncomfortable. Anyway. Oh, poor Freddie. On our Discord, let us know if you think on the live tour, Beth should wear Heelys and Freddie should wear high heels. And then we'll see if Freddie really knows what high heels feels like. So let us know on Discord if you think that's what we should do. And if you don't, you're not an ally. Speaking of women who don't need to age gracefully at all, they just need to age. I'm Beth.

I'm Beth May and I play Scary Marlo, a goth punk seeker of darkness who doesn't want to care anymore. And bittersweet fun fact about Scary this week is that when Terry Jr. first moved into Scary and her mom's house, he introduced a little recipe of his for potatoes au gratin.

Is it Algraten? I think that's Algraten, yeah. Algraten, yeah. Algraten. Algraten? Algraten? Means grateful for potatoes. When Terry Jr. moved in, he brought a recipe for potatoes Algraten, and if you know Sierra, you know she doesn't like any type of potato. Called them potatoes Algraten. Mmm. Refused to eat them. Mmm.

But at night, she snuck down and tried one once, and it was delicious. So there. Wow. I like the idea of tried one. Like, I'll have a potato au gratin, please. I'll have a slice of gratin, please. I've actually never had potato au gratin. Just a slice of cheesy potato. Oh, yeah. That's the reason why I've never tried it. It would end your life. Yeah, it's not for you. It would explode your colon. I know. Speaking of exploded colons, I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hey, dad. My dad fact today is more of just a housekeeping one.

You probably heard that we're touring. Yeah. And the tickets are actually selling out a lot faster than we expected. So if you were like, I'll get to those tickets eventually, you may want to do it now. You may want to walk, run, don't walk to your closest ticket thing. Dungeonsanddads.com slash live. Thank you. There we go. It may be literally sold out by the time. Yeah, it might be gone. I may have just sent you to sadness.com.

Last episode, you managed to find and destroy the last anchor. But the main thing I think that we ended the episode on was the fact that Link took the anchor, said, I love you, Dad, broke it in half, and then said, I never want to see you again. So what is that? That's a real complicated cocktail. So when you break it with either love or fear slash hate,

Depending on which one you break it with. Light side, dark side emotions. Yeah, yeah. For the KOTOR heads out there, it's a real light side, dark side kind of a thing. It's almost just like you can't explain emotions and morality with just binary. No, video games prove that's not true. Video games are true. I don't know if you've seen video games, but... Christopher Nolan proved it.

In Interstellar that love is the fifth dimension. That's all I'm going to say. I don't know where I was going with that, but that's out there. So what we're going to do is you're going to roll, Matt, to see whether it's more love or more fear that has influenced you to break this down. Love or hate? One of my favorite books, Steven Pressfield's Thermopylae, Gates of Fire, says that the opposite of love is fear. So I support this. Okay. So 11 through 20 is love. One through 10 is fear slash hate. Before I roll, it's a really important question about all this. Does he get advantage?

Are we still married? You are still married. Okay. I'm just remembering that. We're all still married. Wait, what? Yeah, we're still married. Oh, yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Oh, hey. Okay, here we go. A natural 20. Whoa. Whoa.

- I see it, I see it, wow! - So which one is that? - Love, I love my dad so much. - That's love, that's good. - He's gonna kill me. - You've broken three anchors with love and only one has been broken with hate. That was the one that Willy broke for you. So you have now broken it. The garlic knot turns to ashes in your hands.

And you are now surrounded by... I was hungry. You're surrounded by Lark, Sparrow, and Grant. Grant, who now looks completely crestfallen and is trying to find the words to say something. I turn... I mean, I've said everything I'm going to say. Link turns around and just walks away from him. Looks at Taylor and says, like, sorry about the garlic knots. That's...

that's all right. I'm on your side. Fuck you guys. And Taylor does a cool turnaround and like starts, are we walking away or what? I don't understand. Grant says, hold on a second. And Lark's like, wait, wait a second. And Sparrow goes, no, no, both of you. Kids, teens, sons, son, my son and son's friend. I am. And scary and friends, son and friends. We messed up.

And I think, I think you're right. And I think maybe it's not time for us to tell you what to do. Maybe it's time for you to be the adults here. We will follow your lead if you want, if we can stick around with you. So we've, we've got these cuffs and he pulls up his sleeve. You can see on his arm, another cuff that he hadn't shown you before that says you cannot hurt Willie. And he says, we all have these, but we don't have any cuffs that say we can't help you out. What did the cuffs say prior? The first one said, stop them. Oh, stop them.

So they got two callers. They got one around their necks as they stop him. But they didn't stop us. Yeah. How come he didn't stop Link when he broke the garlic knot? Larks goes, you were just too quick. And he has his gun out and was pointed at you the whole time and he was ready to shoot you in the head. Oh, dude, it misfired. It misfired. His bullet jammed. Like a man on fire. What the fuck? You were going to kill Link on

Yeah, I didn't want to. It was just I had to stop him. I mean, but OK, well, I'm sorry. Is the only reason you're not shooting at us right now because your gun still jammed? It's because they've already failed because you already did it. We was to stop you from getting the anchor and you got the anchor already. So useless. These are done. Sparrow says, if you want us to leave you alone, we can leave you alone. I think you should let us get you back to the Forgotten Realms if you want, because we have a way of doing that. That doesn't involve. Wait a second. Wait a second. We broke all the anchors, right? Yeah. So the doodlers like is the dude like free?

Like, what's going on with the doodler? I run out and look at the sky. So the sky is vibrating. The sky seems to be, like, full of energy, like it wants to go somewhere, but it's not moving yet. And Sparrow says, I think what has to happen is there's some sort of ritual to commune with the doodler, do something with the doodler. Like, it's like you've removed the anchors, but it's still standing there. It's like if you remove the anchor on a boat, the boat's still where it is. It's just like in God of War Ragnarok when that sad whale is chained up to the bridge and then you gotta free the whale, but then you gotta tell the whale to go. Yeah, I wrote that. Ha ha ha.

That's me, Anthony. Hi, I saw Sparrow. Sparrow. Oh, you know, that was like one of my favorite little side quests in that game. I brought it up. Oh, gee, thanks. This is the only way I can compliment Anthony on anything. He's not complimenting me. He's complimenting Sparrow so I can handle it.

Wait a minute. I think they need one of us to talk to the doodler. Okay. I mean, they don't need us. Like, we need us. Like, we can do it ourselves, Gary. We don't need them. No, that's what I'm saying. It's like, why are they sticking around? I don't know. They should leave. Like, you guys are in timeout. Or you can either do that here. Hit the brain. You can also ask for usual insight if you want to see, you know, if they're lying to you. I'm going to roll insight. I don't need a roll insight. I got 17. I got a natural 20. Wow.

So perceptive. So with a 17 and a natural 20, you can respectively figure out that A, Sparrow is telling the truth. They do want to help you. And with a 20, you can see that Sparrow has so little faith in Larkin Grant's emotional stability right now and their ability to think clearly that he thinks the smartest thing to do is to put you kids in charge because you've accomplished more than they have. You broke three of the anchors the right way. You managed to keep most of the people in your lives safe. Whereas Larkin,

Sparrow and to a much greater extent, Grant and Lark feel like they are fuck ups. And you can tell that Sparrow is trying to put on a happy face and trying to be a very proactive. Let's go do this. But he is suffering from a pretty significant sense of worthlessness slash shititude and thinks that you are probably better suited to this job.

Taylor whips his sword and puts it right up against the neck against the most vulnerable looking of the dads. I mean, definitely Sparrow. Sparrow. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you want? I hold a hand up to wait. I'm like, no, what? Wait. No. Don't move.

I need to get this. I won't move because I'm afraid you're so bad with your sword. You cut my dad's throat, dude. I'll do it. I'll fucking do it. You! Sparrow! I would call me Mr. Oak. No! Okay. What's going on with my ma'am? Your mom is... Your mom's been seduced. I mean, I don't know, been seduced. They actually seem to have pretty good chemistry, but she... She and Willie are dating now. But he kicked all your asses.

This guy sounds like a fucking real piece of shit. Like, who cares? It's up to you guys. But like, I guess if we keep these fucking adults with us, then we'll have less chance of really influencing them. I don't know what you want to do with your dads, but somebody should tell Grant that like, he should just go back to Marco and fix that shit. Like, so we don't need him. So I turn around because I've been staring pensively out at the city.

she's like batman before we let them go you guys need to tell us everything that happened with willie you guys got to tell us everything you know no more secrets no more half truths if we're gonna go defeat him and you guys can help us you can start by telling us the truth as far as says that's the he gently puts his hand up to the blade and tries to like force it down from his neck okay can you not though like he's not what do you think kneel dad no i'm not gonna kneel i think it's a

I don't think it's a good idea. You know what? I'll, you know what? In the sake of peacemaking, I will kneel. No, no dad, you stay up. All right, here's the rule. Here's the rule. We're all mad at our dads. Everyone gets to bully their dad. We don't bully each other's dads. Okay. We're all in charge of our own fathers. Hmm.

And I call Uncle Ark, too. So just back off, okay? I don't want to see my dad kneel to a teenager. I've had enough shitty stuff happen to me today, Taylor. Hey, stop talking about other people's dads when somebody just lost their dad. Oh, I mean, you know, I mean, I mean, you know, I mean. It's fine. Like, she doesn't have a dad to bully anymore, so it's only nice if she can bully other people's dads. You want to bully? You can bully. All right. Scary's in charge of Lark. You're in charge of Lark. No, I don't want, I don't want a dad. Okay. Okay. Yeah, but you can bully people. All right. Okay. Okay.

Taylor? So Sparrow is frozen in a half kneel, half stand position. You could stand up. All right. He stands up fully. Taylor goes, no, you cannot. God damn it. He scratches a little bit. Just tell us what's going on. I don't care. This is why your selfish mother and I get along so well. Yeah. So since the end of that story that you read about all the things that happened when we were kids, he was just sitting in limbo, essentially. When you broke him out, he spent, you know, who knows how many years plotting while time doesn't actually affect him, which is why he's the same age.

and he wants to get the doodler's power for himself. He seemingly took control of the mayor. He's used magic to doodlerize people and make it seem like the mayor's a separate entity when in reality they're working together. He needs the anchors gone and he needs to commune with the riddler, with the riddler. He needs to commune with the riddler. He needs,

He needs to commune with the doodler using a ritual that's going to allow him to basically... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're telling me that the moment the anchors are gone, he can commune with the doodler? How do we know he's not running over to commune with the doodler right now? We've done everything according to his plan. We don't. That's why I was suggesting we all go back. Back where to earth? Where does he go? Do you know where he's going? The church of the doodler is probably where he's going to commune with it because there's that chair that allows you to speak with the doodler. Yeah, I know. We went there. Yeah. Yeah.

I did it. So like, well, there you go. That's everything I know is I think if you can commune with the doodler. Cool. Well, we need to stop him from doing that. Obviously. Yeah. Let's get going. Let's just get let's do this. Let's stop the doodler and, you know, stop these two worlds from dying. OK, teen huddle, teen huddle real quick. Married teen huddle. Bring it. Bring it. Everybody married huddle. Yeah. What? Yeah, we're all married now. Yeah. Married. Yeah. Who? Larkspur and Gringo. Wait, what? We'll talk. We'll explain it later. No, you're not involved in this. This is none of your business. Any of you.

Okay. This is your business. That's scary. Go stand over there and kick bricks. It's hard to explain, but in order to survive falling from space, we all had to become one soul. So we like, we got married. We did a pretty good job explaining it. Yeah. So we're all married. We're going to get an annulment or whatever once we get back home. But you know, for now, the rules are pretty loose in this marriage. So like, don't worry about it. Like you can do whatever. What?

As in like, don't really think. It's like, I know you told me not to listen in, but what does that mean? Oh, like you're the one to judge, Jack. Okay, fair enough. As in like, we're technically married for whatever reason, but we're not married. As in, if we didn't tell you, then we wouldn't be married. Like, it's not real. Look, I know you and Link have a big crush on each other. There's nothing wrong with you guys can like, but you're already married. So I don't know why I brought that up. We're all married. Yeah. This is going to be a real. But we're not married. It doesn't matter. We need to get this annulled before the tax season. So you hear. And.

And in that moment, Hermie and Nick come up the stairs and Hermie goes, the entire building is primed to burn down. Now we gotta go. Oh, everybody's already dead. And Nick immediately fucking fumes with anger and his hand goes to his sword as he sees Lark, Sparrow and Grant. Hold that sword, Dad. I have this under control. Yes, son.

But he narrows his fucking eyes and we do the like, like close up on his eyes. Like widescreen. I'm esteemed at our dads as all you are. Now my dad's cool. It's just like, son, but I do kind of feel like this is the most dangerous guy out there. We should all work together. And like link, I, you don't have to talk to your dad. You can talk to me and I'll talk to your dad or you can slip him notes or whatever. But I feel like they've gone up against this guy before. I feel like we should stay together as a team. They have callers.

They say they can't, but it's like my dad said, like they don't, they can't. They have collars that can't hurt Willie. Well, they can't hurt Willie. That's going to be a real problem. It's like the, it's like, all I'm just saying is like, I get that you're pissed at your dad, but I don't think we should throw away four dudes that like can throw down and know what they're doing. We don't know if they can throw down. They almost killed us right now. Like they almost just killed us. How about this? We got Nick. We got Demon. Nick. Yeah. Dad. Yeah. Do you have a collar? No, I've been with you the whole time. Guess what? What?

I think I put you in command of these other dads. What do you think about that? I think that sounds pretty fucking good to me. These little shitheads who blasted my arm off way back when using magical bullets that make it impossible for me to grow my arm back. That's...

These little traitorous shitheads who wanted to invade hell and take our grandpa. Yeah, I think I can fucking handle that. Kneel. And he takes out his sword and puts it to Sparrow's throat again. Make them swear fealty to both you and me. They swear fealty to me and my son. And Sparrow's like, I'm not going to do that. Looks like I'm also not going to do that. See, they're already not following directions. Normal.

look wherever you guys want if they want to come along that's fine i don't know i don't i don't want to fight as we got fight enough stuff with willie whatever if you if you want to bring your dad's along so you can deal with dad stuff that's fine i'm just worried that's not like whatever i'm cool no what yeah whatever i'm fine i'm fine i sit down i'm fine okay i said that now i'm actually gonna sit down i just said i'm gonna sit down but now i'm sitting down

All right. So it sounds like Willie's most likely next step is to try and commune with the doodler now that the anchors are gone. We'll see how well he'll be able to do it because we broke him real good. But...

We think we know where he's going to be, right? Right? Yeah. All right. Well, we got a team. We got Scary, right? And Scary real tough. And we got Link. And Link's, like, very brave. And Taylor, you're, like, you're fun. And we got these dads. And we got your dad. And I know that there's, like, some pain here. But maybe if we all just put our energies together, we could just, like, all that bad stuff, like, all that stuff, we can just pretend, like, we can just get past it. And we can all be good again. Norm, wait, Norm. Yeah, what's up?

I'm only tough because of him. What do you mean? Like, all the power that I have or whatever. It's like, if Willie knows that we're going to kill him, like, he'll just, like, just put me...

God, he'll make me a normie like a like a level like 10 like you guys. I grab scary by her collar, I guess. I'm like, scary, you listen to me. You're not a normie. You're a weird, mean goth girl. And you can't take that away from you. I think he absolutely can. Yeah. You think you need spell slots to beat somebody? I don't know. Well, I'm really not. I'm not going to say it. Not going to say what?

Say it. Come on. This is a safe space. Well, I guess I'm like, I'm sorry.

Sorry for what? Let's not get into it, really. I mean, well, I mean, generally, sorry. Just for, you know, I don't want to snuff the candle out before it's had a chance to burn. So let that just stay there. Huh? Let the candle stay there. We'll let the candle stay. Come check on the candle. We'll see if there's more to that. Sorry. When you're feeling ready for it. Also scary. Like, I think, I don't know, maybe it's stupid, but like, I feel like, I feel like you made him tough because like he needed you.

Not the other way around. Like, he needed you for some reason. So like, did he say anything to you when you put that cap on? I think he said something about me communing with the doodler. But wouldn't that be you, Norm? Because like, you got the like noble blood or whatever. Look, I think we got a lot of questions. I think the only way we're going to get answers is if we go back to the church of the doodler.

Lark says, that sounds good to me, but we could do it with transport. And he puts his fucking fingers in his mouth and he does the whistle thing. Okay. And a portal opens and the cat bus that we forgot about for 20 episodes jumps back in. Does it have a cool eye patch? Yeah, why not? It has a cool eye patch. Some shit went down, dog. What happened to your eye? The pussy wagon's been through stuff. Cat bus?

Link just like leaps onto its face and like hugs its nose and he can't see what's happening. But clearly the fur underneath it, Link's face is just soaking with tears. He's just like, he's just hugging the cat. You can also see big drops of drool coming from the cat's mouth because it's happy to see you again. That's a thing that cats do. Do cats drool? They do. Oh. So yeah, Lark says, all right, everybody get on the cat bus, I guess, and we'll go. Already here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

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In the cat bus, Nick is holding his sword out at the throats of the other three dads in the back. Oh, it's such like it's like a Sephiroth sword and they're all just sitting there. It's really, really long. And they're all just resting their chins on it. On a bench, yeah. Getting burned because it's on fire all the time. And as you drive through this forgotten and fucked up world, the closer you get to the church of the doodler, the more the doodler's sky above you begins to spasm. The more unnerved you begin to get. And there's a loud, almost like,

humming in your mind that seems to get louder and louder and turn into almost a quiet scream that you can hear from the distance. Hey, do you guys hear that? Yeah. Sounds... Someone turn that up. Yeah. I whisper to the cat bus because I'm still on the front and I say... You're still clutching the front? I say, hey buddy, where do you go when this is all done? Like, where do you go live? And he goes... Yawns. Oh, you got like a place to stay? Like, where do you... Like, got like a cave or something? It sees a bird so it goes...

All right. It's a cat. What? It's a cat. Yeah, I know. I'm talking to it. I kind of got like an idea or like, you know, part of an idea or whatever. Okay. So Willie still thinks that like, you know, for the most part, I'm on his side.

So I was wondering if we could maybe use that to our advantage. Okay. What were you thinking? If I act like I've broken the anchor in hatred or whatever, maybe he won't know that we broke it with love and maybe it'll give us a chance for the rest of us to sneak up on him or something. So we send you in first.

You scout out the situation and then like we have like a signal like, oh, I wish one of us had a walkie talkie or something. Some kind of walkie talkie or some kind of monitor of some kind to communicate, to hear everything. I have one back in my house. Woo!

Not anymore, though. And even my dad wouldn't use it. Grant. And I stare, not at Grant, but like, I just stare around. Grant's looking at you as he takes out the two walkie-talkies from his pocket that he brought from home. And he goes, if somebody wants to give these to Link. Scary, can you toss me the mic? The walkie? Oh, yeah. Here. Okay. I go. Oh, sorry. Just the lullabies are on. One second. Let me get...

wrong button lullabies why are there lullabies on a walk so it's a teen monitor it's a cool grown-up kid monitor is that what they're telling you that's what they said it was look it's a normal thing for teens to have it's normal and cool yeah it's like winking hard at everybody sometimes it's hard to go to sleep okay and baby mind reminds me i'm always a baby

And I'm theirs. Anyways. So really quickly, do we even know if Willie's there? Sparrow says it's even better if Willie's not there, because if you're the ones who want to commune with the doodler, then we can just get in and you can put scary on the throne and we can get out. And Willie doesn't have to know anything if he's not there. And if he is there, then we can pretend like they got us. And then I guess we'll just all attack Willie. And I don't know. I guess we'll figure out if the dad's not fighting.

counts as hurting him or not and we'll see what happens I guess there. But like I mean how the fuck are we gonna beat him? Hmm. Well yeah these four weren't able to do it and they've got all kinds of skills dealing with this guy. Well I mean we're gonna we're just gonna have to figure that out. The element of surprise Sun Tzu says the element of surprise can beat anyone higher level than you. We got the big like dark yeah. Okay.

Okay, so as you're talking about this, you drive closer to the Church of the Doodler and you can see in the distance two lines leading from the Church of the Doodler towards you along the side of the road like that. As you get closer, sort of resolve themselves into people. You can see two large lines of doodlerized people just sitting there standing, waiting and looking at you. And once the cat bus comes in view, they start clapping.

and you can see a single dot in the center of the road and that looks to be the mayor with a big smile on her face and she's clapping too. Back up. We've got some bigger problems, yeah. And they're beckoning you forward. They're doing the come hither gesture. Saying come on, come on. Oh, I think we'll go around.

Nice to see you. All the doodlerized people, they have weapons and you see them hold their weapons out, their guns, their knives, their sticks, and they dropped them to the floor and they clapped their hands behind their head. And the mayor walks to the side and she like gestures you forward like, I pray you towards the church of the doodler. And then she starts clapping again. I tell the kitty cat to stop for a moment. Kitty cat stops and purrs. I climb in. All right. Well, that's pretty weird.

I don't know if we should go in there. I guess we should pick up some of these weapons. Oh, yeah. That's not a bad idea. They got a lot of guns. Okay. I'll go out and see what's going on. Well, let's have her come here. What do you mean? Hey! Yes? Miss Mayor, can you come here for a second? Yeah, of course. I would love to. We're 500 yards away. What?

When she whispers, you hear her clear as a bell inside. I want her to walk 500 yards is my point. Yeah, she's walking 500 yards. Okay, cool. She goes, this will take a bit. That's fine. She walks 500 yards. Spin around and show us your dominant weapons. I will walk 500 yards. She does the...

thing from like the negotiator where she like pulls up her shirt and turns around so you can see she doesn't have a gun tucked in the waistband of her pants. Nice. And she walks, even though she's walking at what looks to be a normal speed, she reaches you far, far sooner than you would hope. Don't like that. And she goes, welcome. You've done such a good job. It's almost time. It's almost time to finish it for good. Thank you so much for coming. Of course. Yeah. Anything for our best charity customer. That's right. That's right. That's right. Yeah. Yeah.

That didn't work, remember? Oh, that's right. Yeah, remember, she knows. I know everything. Yeah, about the ice cream and yeah. Well, we're just happy to be here. So, Miss Mayor, Mrs., Miss, I don't know why I'm asking like I'm interested. Is there a Mr. Mayor? What are you doing here? Give me a sec. I want to finally give her a name. You may call me Mayor McSnarkles. My name is Margaret McSnarkles.

And that was sent to us by Allison. Thank you so much, Allison. But she goes, Mayor McSnarkles will suffice. But yes, what was your question again? Uh, what? You're a little far out of your jurisdiction. Just wondering what you're doing here. We're here to protect you. To make sure that no one stops you from speaking to the doodler.

Why do you want us to do that? Because that's the only way to save the worlds is to get the doodler's power into one vessel and to make him no longer controlling the multiple worlds that he does, the multiple realms. Cool. Who sent you? Willy, obviously. Of course, Willy. Oh, well, yeah. So we're like against. Yeah, we're against Willy. So. No, I mean. You think you are. You think you are my little one. Speak for yourself, asshole. Oh, that's right. Idiot. Roll deception. Yeah.

With disadvantage? Five. So Mayor McSnarkles goes, I know that you hate Willie. He could be abrasive to some, but he has the best interests of the worlds, of the worlds in mind. So if you would just go in, I think all will be revealed and you are in no danger. Take all the weapons you wish. You're in no danger at all. Is Willie in there? Of course. Okay. Aww.

Oh, I don't like this guy's normal lies down on the cat bus. It just seems like one of those. It's like a mousetrap, but we got to go into the mousetrap. Do you know what I mean? But dads, what do you think? It looks like there's enough guys to kill us if we run away. And it looks like there's enough guys to kill us if we go in. This is Lark talking. I would much rather be inside an ambush than trying to run away from it. The best way to deal with an ambush is to run straight into it. No, that's not. Even I know that's not true. Have you played Half-Life? That's how you survive in Half-Life.

I don't know what, no, what? Actually, actually, actually, I will actually corroborate that. That is true. Thank you, Taylor.

That is true. If you have no choice, the only way is violence of action through. We just start blasting on three. The only way out is through, Link. All the horrible stuff that's happened to us, all the mistakes we've made, all of the pain we've felt, it all leads to this place again. And we've got to go deal with it one way or the other, so might as well be now. I forget, do I still have the human gun? Yes, you do still have the human gun. Okay, um...

Hold on. Metagame really quick. Talking about character. Talking about character really quick. Oh, this feels like it feels like we should just start blasting immediately. That's kind of like start blasting. Yeah. Like all the doodler people. It feels like we get in a fight right now. That's not gonna be good for us. Wait, actually, that's not. Wait, wait. We could test this.

by like just like shooting a few people from here yeah see what the reaction is like really test like how much like because then I'm just saying if this was like a destiny boss we would hide in the corner and just slowly shoot all every single person as a 500 yard distance before they could get to us what do you think they're gonna attack us is that what you're

I just say we might as well get rid of that scenario. We're trying to take options off the table here. These aren't real human beings, right? These are like zombies. Sparrow says, I mean, I don't know for sure. They've been taken over by the Duther, but we don't know if it's reversible or not. That would make me feel bad. After a few shots, I'd probably start losing the essence that is me, and I would never return to my former self if I kept killing people. Graham breathes a sigh of relief when you say that. Okay, this might be like crazy, but like...

I've got this spell, right? Called Plane Shift. And you can use the spell to banish an unwilling creature to another plane. Like, all we have to do is link hands around him. So, like, if we get close enough to Willy, we could just send him somewhere else. It buys us some time, that's for sure. Feels risky. Yeah. Who's the biggest? Who's the biggest person here? Pure Mass. Pure Mass Grant.

Hey, don't look at me. And I go and I just start taking a bunch of Grant's hair and I start putting in the human gun. Ow, ow. What are you doing? Son, what? Ow. Just loading my gun. That's all this is. Grant looks to the other teens for confirmation that his son has not lost it. Don't worry about it. Just don't worry about it. Don't think about it. How many Grant bullets do I have? Let's say you have a full revolver's worth of six, even though it's a clip.

Okay. Six shots. So I have a spell called Magic Circle, which you create a 10 foot radius, 20 foot tall cylinder of magical energy centered on a point in the ground that you can see within range for the purposes of our show. Since we've done this before, I'd like to say that the cat bus is the ground on which I am casting. It is a moving magic circle. And it says choose one or more of the following types of creatures. Celestials, elemental, fey, fiends, or undead. Do these doodlerized people count as one of those? Let's see.

Let's say... Fiends, I don't know. Let's say that they count as fiends. So then basically, that type of creature can't willingly enter the cylinder by non-magical means. I'm also going to cast Protection from Evil and Good on the cat bus, which is same thing. Fiends, creatures have disadvantage on attack rolls, and the target, the cat bus, can't be charmed, frightened, or possessed. Also, the way the magic circle manifests, it's kind of like a bunch of laser pointers right next to each other, and so immediately the cat's like...

Like, like, clawing at them and stuff. All right, well, this should at least get us to the front door. This will protect us all the way around. All right. Also, worst case scenario, we can always just, like, make that big sphere of darkness that we have. Yeah. Any moment. Because we've already established that that works exactly like we want it to. For exactly two people and no more. Yeah. That's, yeah, that was super cool how you guys did that. Yeah.

No, but it's more than like only I will be able to see it. Yeah, it's fine. It's cool. Yeah, it was cool. It was cool. It was cool. You look really cool. Thank you. I thought we looked pretty cool too. Yeah, just, I mean, you know, I could see him. You guys were not being quiet. You could hear the cackling. How much fun you were having and it sounded like it was pretty cool. So it's just fun, man. We were trying to kill. All right. Well, be that as it may. I hold a shoulder on the normal show. I'm like normal. I need to assure you.

please don't listen to Link. It was fun as hell. It was the most fun I've had in years. All right, let's do this. Normal Neuros' eyes are just balls as piss. He's like, onward.

I tickle the cat's side so that it knows to go forward. Okay. So the cat walks forward as Mayor McSnarkles walks to the side and once again does the after you kind of gesture with her hands and starts to applaud you as you go past her. And then all the other doodlerized people, the dozens and dozens of them are all applauding you as the cat sashays down this runway leading to the church of the doodler. I've never had this many people applaud me before.

They're just smiling with big, big smiles that won't go down and eyes that won't blink. Heads on a swivel, folks. We don't know where anything could come from. And you reach the foot of the Church of the Doodler. You reach the doors, and the doors are small enough that the cat bus will not be able to get in easily. So what would you like to do now? It's like those Halo levels when there's little, like, things flying. Yeah, those little cars. Damn. Wait, what? What, you think he's going to let us have the cat bus in there? Is there another entrance? Ha ha ha!

they're like a roll skylight maybe there's a big like stained glass window searching investigation i roll 11 plus 6 17 big stained glass window maybe yeah there's a big stained glass window that's got the four dads on it and the odyssey it's like a cool the kind of thing we put on a shirt it's like a stained glass thing with your gun i mean it doesn't really okay aim higher let me give it a shot okay i'm gonna aim up towards the skylight okay

Now, this doesn't whoever's listening. This doesn't count as talking to the real one. This is just what we. OK, yeah. And I shoot. And as the grant flies, I go, OK, no time to explain. But you've been shot out of a gun. And what you need to do is the moment you get through that skylight, scream really loud at what you see. All right. Roll. Roll persuasion.

I got 19. Jesus Christ. I do think that there's a chance he just blows through the stained glass. I'm going to roll a d20 to see if he blows through or not. I like to hear him fall and go, this is what I see.

Okay, so he rolled a seven to like dexterously like himself onto the window without shattering it. So as he's going through the air, as you shout all that at fucking hyper speed, he's like, of course, I love you, son. I love you so much. I'll do anything for you, son. And he punches through the glass and fucking in slow motion as he goes through. You hear him go, oh, I see a guy standing next to a chair. And then you hear the sound of a man exploding into his hair.

That's pretty good. I go, Kappas, through the window up there! How big is the window? It looks up through the window and it goes, Kappas, I've never asked anything from you. You don't need to go in, just get us up there. Please, buddy, just for us. Roll animal handling. For the first time, actually, for its actual use.

I got a four. I got two. Six. So it flops onto its belly. Cats are stubborn, man. I got an 18. Oh, okay. So with an 18, what are you going to do to convince this cat to jump through those shards of glass? Listen, cat bus, I'm sorry we forgot about you for so long, but I hear there's a big tasty rat on the other side of this glass. Leaps through the fucking glass without even a single...

strand of its fur touching the glass as it jumps through it's fucking nothing but net as it goes right as it goes through i'm like i'm so sorry i lied to you kappa there's no matter i don't think there's a rat on the side it fucking hates you now it's like you can feel that you can feel the hair under your feet like like just fucking go completely straight up on it's on a tackles but just under where you are and it lands perfectly on its feet and immediately looks around hoping that there is some hope and there is a rat there but all it sees is you and it looks for a rat

I am the rat. I'm the rat who lied to you. So you are now inside the church of the doodler. Willie is clapping too. Willie is going, Oh, I hate that. Willie is going, Hey, you made it. All right. All right. What an entrance. Can I say what an entrance? Ooh, boy. Why don't you roll just Taylor? Why don't you roll perception? Five.

Everything looks on the up and up. He's clear. The moment I see him, though, can I cast Zone of Truth? Sure. You cast a magical zone that guards against deception, a 15-foot radius sphere centered on a point of your choice within range until the spell ends. The creature that enters the zone's area for the first time on a turn or starts its turn there makes a charisma saving throw on a failed save. The creature can't speak a deliberate lie while on the radius. He fails. So, yes, and that stays 10 minutes. Okay, so I'm assuming it's around the chair or something, the radius, right?

for this i just cast it on him because on his turn there yeah okay on his ball so wherever his balls go so none of us are in the zone yes it's just him and then it's 10 minutes and he's aware of it so he can avoid answering questions um but he can't be evasive but he can't lie he cannot lie okay so he goes like oh yeah all right yeah that's fine that's fine come on in scary come on it's time to lying to us beforehand

I don't know. Dependent on what you would have asked, I guess. I don't know. Okay. That's a yes. So it's time. We've destroyed the anchors. Hopefully, fingers crossed, you managed to destroy those last few with some more aggression rather than namby-pamby, huggy-wuggy bullshit. And we can get the doodler out of our lives for good. So you're welcome that I set all this up. But Scary, I think it's down to you to do the honors to talk with the doodler. Why Scary?

because she's the only one who can survive it. What do you mean? I talked to the doodler. I survived it. You talked to the doodler. The doodler didn't talk back to you. What we're about to do is a conversation. And to do that, the doodler is going to have to get a little bit more involved with you than just showing you some memories of itself. If you want to try it, go ahead. You'll die. Why do you want the power of the doodler?

Maybe to make the world whatever I want it to be. Then what a scary community. Why would we help you do this? Because if you help me, I'll make the world great for you. I'll make you an entire realm just to yourselves. I'll make you a realm that is just like everything that happened before the doodler came into existence. That'll be nothing but white picket fences and lemonade stands and all the shit that you want to and it'll be separate. You'll never have to see me again. It'll be great. That's not what I want though.

Well, tell me whatever you want. I'll make it. It's just a fake, but you're just making a fake world. I'll make a soccer world for you or something. Go on. Wait a second. Like, but like, will I be on a team? Yeah, of course you'll be on the team. If you want to be on a team. Explain why Scary needs to commune. Why can't you do it? How does her. It would kill me too. Will it kill her? Will it kill her? No.

Why? It shouldn't. But you're stronger than her. That's very kind of you to say, but not necessarily in the ways that matter. So his hands begin to glow very, very faintly purple, very faintly. And he goes, so the thing about daddy magic is it's a combination of blue and red. It's a combination of fear and love. And I'm really heavy on one of those and not so much on the other. So the doodler won't have a lot to say to me. I won't be able to actually commune with it in any real way. But scary is,

When I look at her, I see one of the most terrified and also one of the most loving people. And I had that clocked from the get-go. So...

Honestly, if normal, if I could also put my Juju into normal and made him more powerful and able to survive this stuff. So it was a toss of the coin, but I chose scary and I think I did the right thing. Well, tell me. I just, what the fuck are you talking about? I don't have like a loving bone in my fucking body. I've betrayed my friends multiple times. I've killed people. I've done so many shitty things. I, I'm,

I'm all fear, man. I'm just scared. Then why were you so sad when Terry died? I don't... I mean... Case in point.

Case in point what? New plan. We fucking kill this guy. Yeah. Fucking why would we let him do this? So he's going to roll. Huh? He's going to roll perception to see if he can hear you. Okay. We're using pig Latin. He cannot hear you. He failed his roll. Okay. Nice. Yeah, let's fucking kill him. Let's go. If he's right and we Scaries can talk to the do-gooder, we don't need him at all. So let's get rid of him. No, we absolutely don't want him. And we can't trust him to do anything. So let's go. Scary? Scary, you with us? He killed Terry, man. Yeah. Yeah.

And, um... Why are you doing this while he's on his phone? Worst of all, motherfucker's kind of a poser. Yeah, so let's fuck him up. Let's go. Roll initiative. And I jump out of the bus and I'm going to cast fucking flamestrike on him. Okay. A vertical column of divine fire roars down from the heavens on a location you specify. So a pillar of flame blasts down through the fucking stained glass window and it centers on him. It's 10 foot radius, 45 high. He has to make a dexterity saving throw.

You got a 19. So what he's going to do is he's going to... He still takes damage. He takes half damage? Yes. So it's 29 divided in half. So... 14? 14. Okay. He takes a little hop to the right and then extends his arm back into where the flame strike is going to hit intentionally. And he goes, as it hits him.

And then with his other hand, which has a phone in it, he presses a button. He turns it to face all of you and it's on FaceTime. And he shows you the image of your mom, Taylor. What? Cassandra Swift. He goes...

Hey, hon. And she goes, ah, ah, are you okay? I burned myself on the, on something. I don't even know. Mom! Eating, I don't know, maybe the food was too, ah, my hand, my hand. Willie goes, I was just checking in to make sure my, uh, my new wife was okay. What? And you could see that on the hand that is holding the phone, there is a ring around the left ring finger.

And she goes, yeah, I'm doing okay. He goes, actually, could you do me a favor? I just want to make sure I got the ring size just right. Could you just put that on camera real quick for me? Just as really close, as close as you could. And she does. She goes, okay, that's weird. Well, sure, why not? And she puts the ring really close to the camera and it says, whatever happens to Willie happens to me. Oh!

I like the idea that the wedding ring has like a, they got it like engraved at the mall. So it's like whatever happens to avatar font. Yeah. It's like happens to me. And it's like, so sweet. Yeah. It's like, how did you two meet? It's incursive, you know, from the FaceTime. Cause I tell her this ring is like bound via magical means. Oh yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like if you cut off her finger,

Natural 12. I got a 19. So with a 19, you can see at least through the phone that it is definitely magical in nature. You don't know what cutting it off of her finger will do, but you do remember reading in the stories of your dad's dads that one time they took a collar off of somebody and it made somebody else die. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's right. Oh, oh.

Oh, this is bad. Hon, I'm going to have to call you back. And she goes, okay. He goes, you should get to the urgent care though. Get that looked at because he hangs up on her. Willie has the smuggest piece of shit look on his face. He's got his fucking arm folded. He's just leaning up against the chair. Shit, shit, shit. If I kick him in the balls, but my mom, you know what I'm saying? Anything we can do to him. That's like, well, your mom doesn't have balls. Yeah. If we target all of her balls, we can kill him and it won't hurt her. It still hurts if you kick them there.

What are you talking about? Scary. Does it hurt girls if you kick them there or does it not hurt them because they don't have balls? Oh, did you really just ask me that question? You,

You have a spell to send people? Can we send the dads to Taylor's mom? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We could send them maybe like Operation, get them to get that ring off, and then we can unload on Willy. That's true. We can do that. Who has the plane spell? Is that you, Beth? Yeah. Plane Shift. You and up to eight willing creatures who link hands in a circle are transported to a different plane of existence. You can also use this spell to banish an unwilling creature to another plane. She's a creature within your reach and make a melee spell attack against it. So we just got to be like, okay. You only need one person? Lark.

Lark. It's gotta be Lark. I got to go like, Lark, dad, uncle, uncle, dad, dad, uncle, Lark, Lark, you got to go and you got to cut her hand off. Or take the ring off. They can't take the stuff off, remember? Not a problem. He takes out a fucking butcher knife from behind his head. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

Hold on. Hold on. He goes, hit me. Hit me. I can do this. Send me. Now. Look, if there's a way to get it off without cutting her hand off, then do that. Right. But like, come on, Taylor. This is pretty rowdy. I grab the other baby monitor and I give it to Lark. Lark. Yeah. I go, just go get that ring. Taylor, you want to go with him? You can go with him. I know you can only manage one person. What if the only way to get a ring is to seduce your mom? We don't need to know how he does it. No, no, no.

So you can only cast it on one person or how does it work? So if I'm going, me and eight people can go. But if I'm just trying to get like, if I'm trying to stay, it can only be one person. I see. I see. I see. I guess we could all go. You hear footsteps behind you and the group of do the right. Sorry, what? I'm modding.

All of the doodler people around you still applauding are blocking the door now. Willie takes out a knife and he puts it to his own heart. And he goes, the second you guys disappear, I know how time works. It'll happen really quickly. But I think I can probably manage to get this sucker in here before you manage to get the ring off her. Bullshit. You would never do that to yourself. Yeah, you'll kill yourself then. I can't lie to you. But you'll die. Do you know what it was like being completely alone?

After I got banished into that other realm, I was in solitary confinement for what felt like fucking centuries. And all I had time to think of was how I was going to die. My point is I'm willing to die. Here's the one thing you don't understand. Is that Mrs. Swift is heading towards San Dimas ER. One of the best medical...

The most allegations in the world. You didn't hear me. I would be willing to bet that you'll kill yourself before those doctors can't put her back together. You didn't hear me. I send her to urgent care. There's at best a part-time guy there from a clown college who is authorized to hand out Band-Aids and nothing else. He'll get you a flu shot and a Band-Aid. Willie's still like in zone of truth, right? Yes. Hey, Willie.

Master, if that makes you happy or whatever. Kind of. Cool, cool, cool. I was just like wondering, like, what are you afraid of? And he just looks at you silent. He doesn't have to answer and he chooses not to. I'm going to ask Willie this. What is going to happen when she communes with the doodler? Willie says, I'm not entirely sure. What do you think is going to happen? What I'm hoping is going to happen. I'm going to talk to the doodler through her.

convince the doodler to give me its power. Wait, you said she was going to talk to the doodler. Now you're talking to the doodler. Yeah, the doodler's within her, so she can talk to it as well, but I'm pretty convincing, so. Oh, we can not let Willie talk to the doodler. Yeah. We're not going to let you talk to the doodler, dude. Well, I'm not going to let you leave this room without killing Taylor's mom, so. I mean, okay, well, we'll fight you if you do that. But then he wouldn't kill his mom. What are you going to do? But once he kills his mother, there's nothing he has on us. No!

I'll fight you before you kill my mom. So Willie walks down with the knife still at his hand and with his other hand, he extends it to scary. And he goes, your best chance of stopping me is to talk with the doodler and convince it otherwise. I'm going to try to grapple Willie. Oh yeah. That's a good idea. Oh,

Okay. He's right here now. I got an eight though on hit DC, so. Yeah, no, you missed. And he also rolled a 19 for a dexterity dodging. So he just palms your face and just pushes you to the side. And Greg goes, don't you fucking touch my kid. I'm going to cast hold person on Willie. So hold person just prevents him from moving, right? They're paralyzed for the duration. Ooh, okay. Up for a minute. He has to make a wisdom 15 saving throw. 18. God damn it. Sorry. Who has the Heelys? Me. Hey, Norm.

Can I borrow your shoes real quick? My shoes? Okay. I kick my shoes off and throw them to you. Yeah, here's some Doc Martens. Okay. I put your Doc Martens on. We're the same size. I have tiny feet. I guess I should let you guys all know now that I've got these cool Heelys that I've made my decision.

I'm going to go with Willie. And she reaches out her hands towards Willie. And he takes it. No, she actually swipes through her hair very coolly and races towards the chair. Taylor's also going to race towards the chair. I'm going to attack Willie. I'm going to cast whole person on Willie. Let's all roll initiative. Okay.

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20 for initiative. 17. I got 15. Natural one. Taylor's just too flabbergasted about his mom. And then each of you on your turn can also basically use your dads for a free action. Except for Beth, sorry. That's okay. No, Beth gets lark. Beth gets lark. That's right, because you all get to bully our dads. Yes, you all get to bully your dads. So Link, you get to go first. Ooh, I got an extra attack. So instead of once, you can take an extra attack your turn. Okay, yeah. I'm just going to try to grapple him. So I'm going to attack him. Okay. That's an eight.

That is not going to do it. He once again palms your face the exact, you went at him the exact same way and he palms your face and pushes you away the exact same way that you tried. And I get a third time's a charm. And I get a nine.

I can attack twice. So you do it, but you do the exact same thing, but you try to juke him out first and then you go back for the exact same try to like approach him. You won't be expecting it a third time the same way. And then he said, I can have Grant do something. Yeah. I'm not talking to him still, but he sees what I'm throwing down and he tries to grapple him too. So you have that character sheet. Like son, like father. Can I roll a 20? Can I roll a 20? Sure. Because he's grappling Willie and not hurting him, he's going to still try to attack him. Why?

Why don't you roll for that? I mean, considering my luck, I got to get a better one this time. God damn it, an eight. He does the exact same thing that his son did. The exact same step to the left, step to the right, go for the grapple. It happens four times in a row. And every single time, Willie palms the exact same part of the air and shoves it back. All right, it is Scary's turn. Well, he's like, every single time, also, both Grant and Emily are like, there was no way he'll expect the same move.

Can I roll to see if there's a part of my memory that has access to like something Willie said about like what he's afraid of or anything like that? Anything about his past? I don't believe he literally ever said he was afraid of anything when he was talking to you. But go ahead and roll insight because there's something I feel like you would be able to like intuit, you know, if you get a good enough insight roll. Okay. 19. Okay. So with a 19, you can tell that he is terrified of...

Having to take care of somebody. He's terrified of death. He's terrified of being embarrassed, of feeling lesser than anyone. He's terrified of having a lack of control. He's terrified of having it confirmed that he's not as smart as he thinks he is. What about water? Oh, like literally. Yeah. He's definitely terrified of drowning. Okay. I cast Hallucinatory Terrain. Okay.

You make a natural terrain in a 150-foot cube and range look, sound, and smell like some other sort of natural terrain. Thus, open fields or a road can be made to resemble swamp, hill, crevasse, or some other difficult, impassable terrain. Okay. If the difference isn't obvious by touch, a creature carefully examining the illusion can attempt an intelligence check against your spell save DC to disbelieve it.

So by touch. So if he feels not wet, he can roll an intelligence save and see if he can see through it. Yes. Okay. I'm going to make this look like a lake. Great. Yeah, you would have read about that in the journal, the original that he's left. That's great. Okay, so suddenly a pond with fish swimming around and it appears. Do you want it like around Willy, near Willy? Like he's in the middle of it kind of? Like he's on the edge about to fall in. Okay, awesome. He looks down and back and he is going to roll a wisdom saving throw. See if he freaks out or not.

He fails and he goes, fuck. And he steps forward a couple of steps to be even closer in range to the Wilson boys. He did not touch it. So I don't think he is justified in rolling an intelligence check to disbelieve it. So he's going to have to avoid that if he wants to move toward the chair. And then I'm using my movement to just move closer to the chair, I guess. Okay, great. Are you healing? Yeah, healing. Oh, it's like a bonus to movement. Yeah. Why don't you roll dexterity to see if you can stay upright with the healings? Okay.

Oh, no. It's a one. Oh, no. Oh, man. They look so much cooler than they actually are. Oh, wait, wait, wait. No, it's only a seven. It's only a seven. Oh, okay. Okay. It's not great. It's still not good. Like, you still like, ooh, and sort of fall prone because you're not ready for this. Wait a second. Does that break the illusion because she doesn't fall through the water? I'm actually going to use Dark One's own luck. Once per short rest, when you make an ability check, use this feature to add a detent to your roll. Great. Ooh.

Ooh, that one is a one. Fuck me. Oh my God. So yeah, you fall onto your hands and knees into the illusory pond and there are no ripples or anything and you don't fall in the water. I'm going to see, because Willie's definitely facing you, so he will see that. Sorry, he was first guarding against the Wilson boy, so let me roll to see if he turns around to see what happens. He's avoiding some pretty damaging attacks.

punches coming at him he's avoiding one punch four times yeah so yeah he's gonna turn around and see that something is awry which is going to give him license to make an intelligence check something's awry so he's gonna make an intelligence check to see if he can tell got an 18

So he can tell that that is not real. They're harder than they look, Scary. I should have warned you. God damn it. All right. It is Normal's turn. Normal is going to fucking like the goal here is to just delay Willie so that we can fucking. Scary was running to the chair. The chair. Yeah. And I'm assuming that means if like she's in the chair and Willie's not there, Willie can't speak to the doodler. Yeah. I mean, that's what I assumed. Let's try and hold him. Yeah. Yeah. We're trying to hold him.

Okay, I am going to... I'm going to just try hold person again. Okay. That's another 15 wisdom saving throw. 17. Boom!

He's throwing rocks. Wait, then I get to use Sparrow to do something, right? You sure do. What is classed as Sparrow? Sparrow is a druid. What manner of spells does Sparrow have? Sparrow used to be able to turn into a love wolf, but he's lost that confidence in himself. Oh, no. Does Sparrow have hold person? Yeah, well, Sparrow tried hold. Like father, like son all across the board. Statistically.

All right, so he got a 13. So he's going to use one of his legendary resistances to resist the whole person. You don't know how many he has. Oh, fuck. He has used one of them. All right, well, it's been Whiff City over here. Who's next? Willie is next. So Willie is going to walk away from the Whiff and Sons, Wilson and Oak, and is going to just very calmly walk behind Scarab. He's going to grab her by the shoulder and help her to her feet. Can I roll to dodge his hand? Yeah, you can absolutely roll to resist. Okay.

Seven again. Got a natural one. Yeah. All right. So you managed to duck out of the way of his hand. You do the hair thing again. Yep. Psych. I can't believe you fell for it again. As he goes, God, fuck. Fuck.

And you can see it really gets to him that he falls for something so childish so quickly. But he's going to go ahead and keep moving and walk towards the chair. So he's once again leaning against the chair waiting for you. Willie is next to the chair. Scary is a full move away from the chair. So on her next turn, if she move moves, she'll be able to sit in the chair. If she moves and takes an action, she would be next to the chair. So now it is Taylor's turn. Taylor knows that there's really not much we can do against Willie without hurting his mom. And...

I'm going to cast silence on Willie. Duration, no sound can be created within or pass through a 20 foot radius sphere centered on a point you choose. I think it's going to be his belt buckle. Okay. Any creature object entirely inside the sphere is immune to thunder damage and creatures are deafened while entirely inside of it. Casting a spell that includes verbal component is impossible. So anybody inside silence is deafened. Yes. So that means anybody sitting at the chair will also be deafened. Deafened, yes, but he also can't say anything. Correct. Yeah.

Okay, good to know. And I think the way that this spell forms is it's just a very, very obnoxious, loud, like Japanese toy that plays an anime theme song and I throw it at his feet. It magnetizes onto his belt buckle and goes like, you know, like a Hatsune Miku song. Who's deafened right now? So right now, just Willy and anybody who gets near the chair will be deafened. But I'm going to say because you did put it on his belt buckle, he'll see that and he'll be able to move the belt buckle on his turn if he wants to. It's fine.

It's fair. It's fair. It's fair. Okay, so it is now Hermie and Nick's turn at the end of the initiative. Oh, that's right. Those characters that we love so much and always have at the very front of our minds. So Hermie goes, what do I do? And he looks to you all for suggestions.

grapple. Same thing we're all doing, Hermie, get in there. Get in there, bud. So he's going to sprint, he's going to use his full move to sprint towards the throne. So he's now next to Willy. He's the only one next to Willy right now. And he goes, what? Because he's deafened by the noise of the enemy. We already said it before you ran. And he nods and he's like, right.

I'm grappling. Well, he can't do that until his next turn, but he will try. It's now Nick's turn. And he goes, what do I do, son? What do you want? Get back to mom and try and get that ring off of her. I'll do my best. Drag her to hell. She's also busy being like, she fucking married this guy. Dad, dad. Slap him. Dad, you got to stop fucking getting in your own head. And you got to save the woman you love.

Can you do it? Can you save the woman you love? And Willy's deaf, so he's not hearing any of this. No, he's not. Roll a persuasion. This is a line from Mononoke. I feel like that's an advantage. Great. You both love Mononoke so much. Because it's three plus one, you know, so I want to throw a roll with advantage. Yeah, go ahead and do another roll. Twelve plus one. Thirteen. Thirteen. He goes, I don't think your mom wants to see me that much anymore, chief. Then do it anyway!

That's a fair point. I should want to save her life no matter what. Here I go. Yeah, what the hell, Dan? Well, I did lose the ability to make portals. What? Remember I mentioned that the other day? I do not recall.

I kind of remember. Yeah. Fuck. Well, we'll get you there. Don't worry about it. I'm the king of sending you places. Remember? All right. I'll hold my turn until after one of you does something to send me back. If you will die in hell. He's a regular FedEx. If you will die in hell, they go nowhere. If she was in hell, what would happen? If she was in hell and she died, she would go nowhere. So she'd just be there. No, she would go nowhere. Her soul would leave that plane of existence and go to we know not where. Oh, real hell. Real hell. Super hell.

There's already a super L because this podcast is stupid as fuck. It's for people who say the B word, remember? Yeah, there's already a super L, Matt. All right. So we're back at the top of the initiative. He is going to hold his turn. Nick is. Is it is your turn, Link?

I guess like grapple. You know, he is a sprint away. So in order to get to him, you have to spend your full turn moving to him. Beth, what's your plan with Scary? What are you trying to do? Out of character, I'm trying to make sure that Willie is away from the chair and then sit in it. And we don't really know how the whole like him wanting to commune with Scary works exactly right. You have not been told specifics because he's never done it before. All right. I yell at him and he's still in the zone of truth.

He can't hear you. Cool. I guess I'll just grapple him again. You'd have to sprint to him. Oh, that's... God damn it. Fine. You know what? I fucking...

You and your stupid mom, Taylor. You take that back. I'm going to take a full move and I'm going to cast the... Okay, so you are halfway to the chair. I'm halfway to the chair. So next turn I can do a normal move and attack because there's no reason to double move and not do anything. I'm going to run. I'm going to cast Beacon of Hope on Scary. I use one of my spell slots that does hope and vitality. And for the duration, each target has an advantage on wisdom saving throws, which feels important for if Scary's going to go in that chair. Great.

That is Scary's turn now. I'm just going to hit Willy back with my Eldritch Blast cantrip, but... I'm a tailor's mom. Please.

Please remember my mom, Gary. I'm actually sorry. I'm going to hold my turn. Okay. It's now normal turn. Normal seeing Taylor slap his dad and try to get him in the game and realize what's going on. Steps up and like, guys, don't you see? That's it. That's how we're going to get the ring off of her. I put my hands on Nick's shoulders. I say, she loved you once. You've got to convince her to take that ring off, bro. And I cast banishment on him. He's like, what? You banish him. And so now,

Oh, shit. No, he goes back to his home portal if I ban his home. If I ban it. Yeah, he goes to hell. Oh, fuck. Well, then I can't banish him. Well, let's fuck it. Let's say it's more fun if he goes back to the same realm as hell's got like elevators and shit. Yeah. Hell's got elevators. Yeah. So everything is moving super slow in the other realms.

So the next six seconds are going to be like a day for him. So he's going to do his best to seduce Cassandra Swift into getting rid of her new husband and going back to the old shitty one. Dad, listen to me. You have one day to make her fall back in love with you. Assuming she can just take off the ring if she falls in love with him. Assuming that's how it works, yes. Assuming that's how it works. And Will has one day to write this screenplay. Okay, so he goes, I'll do my best.

Like an old sex comedy song starts playing. And he disappears. And Willie gets it. He's going to try to roll. The CVC is it. So Willie gets a call on his phone that he unfortunately can't hear, but he feels the vibrate and he pulls it out and he's like, and he turns to you guys and he shows you the phone and it's Nick locked outside of Cassandra's house going knocking on the doors. It's like a ring cam. It's a ring cam. It's a ring cam. He's like, okay.

Cassandra's like, she looks like freaked out that he's there. And he's like, it seems to be, it seems that he rolled a five in his attempt to seduce her and get her to love him again. Oh man, I thought you said your dad was cool. He is cool. Look at him. Let him cook. Let him cook. All right. Just the first go. That's just his opening gambit. You don't win a chess game in three moves. No way.

He's playing the long game like he always taught me. Wait a minute. He didn't teach me shit. It is Willie's turn now. He's going to cast verbally. Oh, good off. Yes. Willie's finger. Right. So he can't cast anything unless he gets rid of that thing happens to her. Oh, so he is going to try to look down at his belt at the thing that is irritating him with its Hatsune Miku pop song, and he's going to try to remove it.

His pants fell down. His pants will fall down. All right. So the 14, I feel like it's a bonus action. Removing his belt. Absolutely. Yeah. So he's going to remove his belt and toss it aside. And so how long is he showing Dungeons and Dragons? Six seconds. Are you wearing a belt? No. And I have a belt. You, you, you, he's ripping the thing off of his belt.

I will say. His tearaway pants. Okay, he rips the thing off his pelt, but it takes his buckle with it and his pants fall down. Are you happy now? You feel like you've done something? Yeah. And now he's going to try to cast whole person on all of you. He's going to use it a fifth level spell slot. Uh-oh.

So each of you is going to individually have to roll a wisdom saving throw of 19 or higher. What? You got advantage though, Beth. Okay. 15. He's not using it on Beth. Sorry. He's using it on everybody except for Scary. 15. 15. Not good enough. Shut up. Rolled a 19, bitch. 26. Wow. Okay. Good enough for you.

I got a four. So Link and Taylor get paralyzed. What does normal do that it doesn't work on him? He just pees his pants and it works for some reason. You know what? Willie's reaching out with his psychic hand to stop everyone. He's like, ew, that kid peed his pants. Link sees this and tries to pee his pants. The title of piss boy has been passed on now. Okay, so that was his turn. He's not going to move. So now it is Taylor's turn. Taylor, you are paralyzed.

Help your dad out. Call your mom. Siri, call my mom. I tell Siri to call my mom. Paralyzed creature can't move or speak. I'm so sorry. At the end of each of its turns, the player can make another wisdom saving throw. So unfortunately, I think you're pretty much fucked here on this turn, but you can make a wisdom saving throw now to try to break the hold. I got...

18 Taylor like for a second you know it's like sleep paralysis where you're like you're trying to all I need to do is wiggle my toe and then I'll unlock my brain to allow me to move the rest and I just sit there like concentrating

And I pee my pants. Just three piss boys now. Well, that was your turn. So, Scary, you held your turn. Are you going to take it? What if I was, like, casting a spell that would otherwise affect his whole body, but I used the belt like a tourniquet to, like, only target one part of his body? I would say that would take...

Your full turn to pull off, but you're like moving towards him now. What are you trying to do? So what are you trying to do? I would cast like vampiric touch on him, like a necrotic spell, like trying to make his finger essentially die. But I would tourniquet his arm. Oh, so that the poison doesn't spread to the rest of his body. I'm going to say that's cool as hell. I like that idea, but I'm going to say to make it a more difficult dramatic choice that because you didn't start your turn next to him,

You have to take half of your turn getting to him and then you can cast that spell this turn if you want to, but you're not going to be able to put the tourniquet on because you don't have enough time. So you might take the whole arm. Yeah, I'd be killing. Or kill her. Yeah. Or you could do the tourniquet first and then do it the next turn. That's true. You could do the tourniquet first this time and then next turn and do him. And you do go before him. Yes, you do. Yeah, because she held her turn. Cool. I'm kicking the Heelys off, running barefoot over to him and I grab his belt that he's just thrown off and I wrap it around his arm.

Okay. I don't think you have to roll for that. I think that's reasonable. I think he is confused as to what you're doing, but I don't think he's going to try too hard to stop you. So now we're back up to the top. It is Link's turn again. Link, you are paralyzed. You can't do anything, but you can go ahead and give me a wisdom saving throw to see if you can get out of it. Got a 17. Ooh, sorry. Grant does a thing that makes it so I'm no longer paralyzed. Okay. You're not paralyzed anymore. Congratulations. Wait, really? No.

What can Grant do? Grant's, I think, a ranger. Which ones are the best snipers? I think you did mention he was a ranger. Yeah, he's a ranger. A fellow ranger! So he, too, is learned in all the different environments that one can be in. So if you need him to tell you how best to move forward in a lava-like environment, he can help you. I'm going to hold Grant's turn. Okay.

Freddie, you tell me if there's anything cool that Grant can do since he's a ranger. I'll tell you right now, unless we're in the Arctic, a forest, or some kind of desert. Under the influence of Beacon of Hope, Scary hears a voice in her head that's like, It's okay, just take it a step at a time. Just do things slow, and then maybe you can make everything change for the better. She's beginning to believe.

I cast Vampiric Touch, aiming at Willy's hands, specifically his ring finger. Okay. So I've got plus seven to hit on this. On a hit, the target takes 3d6 necrotic damage. Okay. Fuck yeah, 19 plus seven. All right.

So you touch his ring finger and it turns to ash almost instantly. All the moisture sucking away from his finger into the air and turning into a red mist. It crumbles to ash and falls off. And not only that, but the rest of his hand does as well. So actually go ahead and roll damage. Oh no. Sorry, Taylor. No! Wait, we got like regrow limbs though. Yeah. I mean, it's, you know. She'll be fine. No! 5d6, okay. 5d6, okay. Go ahead and roll that.

20. So yeah, with 20 damage, I'm going to go ahead and say that it takes his full hand. His hand goes sallow and you can see in his other hand that was still holding the phone. You see Cassandra lift up her arm and go, ah, and her hand does the exact same thing happens to her, but the ring falls off.

And the ring falls off of his hand as well. So now it is going to be, I believe, William's turn. Yes, it's Normal's turn. I am going to cast Guiding Bolt at Willie. Okay. A flash of light streaks towards him from my hand. So this is a ranged spell attack. Does a 14 hit? It does. AC's 13. Ooh. All right, so that's 8d6. Okay.

Oh, all right. So a fucking lightning bolt blasts from normal fingertips and like a sort of sure you can move and hits Willie and it does 35 damage. 35 damage. OK, that's good. This is a bolt of light. You're saying of lightning, a bolt of lightning, a bolt of lightning comes down and strikes him from through the church's roof. It came from my hands. Oh, did you know? Let's do that. It comes through the church. Allah God.

Okay, yeah. So God looks down and goes, no. And a big bolt of lightning hits Willie and it singes him pretty fucking bad. So in a very short period of time, he lost a hand and electric voltage just runs through his fucking body and his hair's all standing on end and stuff now.

is going to be his turn. He's going to push Scary into the chair. Can you roll opposed dexterity? Why does she have to be... I won't tell you. It's exciting. Or drama. Fuck, yeah. 19 plus 3. I got so many 19s this episode. It's wild. You got an 18 plus 4. So you tied. Fuck. Which means that he just barely pushes you onto the chair. And as your butt hits the seat...

you see the shape of the universe. Oh. Weird. All the knowledge of ages and all the emotions and pain of childhood and adulthood and being a father and being a son and being a daughter, all that runs through your body instantly. Everybody else can see as your body slowly begins to turn this bright purple color as it glows, as you begin to convulse in the chair, your jaw agape and your eyes turning white in their sockets.

And in this moment, you can feel the presence of the doodler and you can feel that his anchors are broken and that he is free and that the dominant emotion that he is feeling, there's a one in four chance that it's going to be hate. And there's a three out of four chance that is going to be love. I have a D4 in my hands. I'm going to roll that. And then we are going to end the episode. Which one's hate? One is hate. Anything else is love.

Your eyes turn purple, entirely purple. Your mouth opens and using your voice, you hear an eldritch, unknowable creature say, I love you guys. Our days whisked away, but is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. You should tell myself it'll be all right.

♪ Pretty large, let me sleep at night ♪ ♪ I know that no one knows me better ♪ ♪ It's all this right ♪ ♪ It's just a matter of time till we're made ♪ ♪ We gotta pick ourselves up and say ♪ ♪ Not today, no, not today ♪ ♪ Before tomorrow makes fear we can't change ♪ ♪ We gotta pick ourselves up and say ♪ ♪ Not today, no, not today ♪ ♪ Need your sorrow, come back tomorrow ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlowe. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolai is our community manager.

Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing and Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks to Allison who provided the name we used in this episode. This podcast is directly supported by our Patreon. These are people like Max Harding, Hunter Ditzler, Ryukyu Dogs, Dustin Moore, Katie McGillicuddy, James Brown, Hype Family, Bjorn, Moth, Alpas, Tyler, Speedy Chicken.

Spike, Nicole Nevin, McKenna Roberts, Joseph Richardson, Jacob, Emil J, Hastur Song, and Amanda Martin. You too can support this podcast at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. And if you're on the West Coast, come see us live for the Do or Die 2003 tour. That's a five city West Coast tour. We're doing Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and San Diego.

That's happening the week of August 21st. More info at dungeonsanddads.com slash live. And don't worry, by the way, we here are the rest of you out there in the other parts of the country in the world. This is going to be our first ever foray into doing a live show in front of actual people. And we are beyond excited. We have some surprises in store. We're doing this as a bit of a test run, too, because some of the dads on the show, it turns out they're fresh, actual dads in real life. So we're not quite there to do like a big, huge, long multi-city tour. But if this tour goes well, a lot of good data there. Who knows?

Tickets are going fast. I believe some of the cities are already sold out as I record this, but check it out. Dungeonsanddaddies.com slash live. Speaking of our Patreon, that's where you want to go for tons of bonus content, our after show, access to our fun Discord community where we do live listens for every episode. He's supported the show starting at just five bucks a month. And this is a will turn a phrase that he particularly enjoys. The first five bucks gets you ad free episodes. The rest of that bonus content,

It's free. We also got a murder mystery mini series. We're in the process of finishing up with a stacked cast. You know, some familiar voices in there and some new ones as well. That's going to be called Dad Then There Were None, a dad of the Christy who dadded. That's going to be coming out very soon as we put the finishing touches on those episodes. That's going to be on the Patreon. So be there when it drops. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Our Twitter is Dungeons and Dads. Our website is DungeonsandDaddies.com. Our merch is at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our subreddit is Dungeons and Daddies. And our next episode is coming out August 1st.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. We live for tomorrow, baked steel and borrowed, but we can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. Don't need your sorrow, come back tomorrow.

You are down. God damn it. Stop vibrating. He's referring to his phone, ladies and gentlemen. Put that down. He's referring to his phone. That's the only way I can get into the zone, guys. I'm sorry. My P-zone.